pg01-1 -- At last. My gravity neutralizer is complete. I will be the envy of the entire engineering department. - EEEE! - Raise your paw if you could see that coming.
pg01-2 -- No! I told you -- dogs can't drink coffee. It's too much for your little system. - Last time you drank coffee I was picking fur out of the ceiling for a week. Okay, okay. Just some decaf. - With lick, this will trigger a flashback.
pg02-1 -- What the heck is "JEQUIRITY"? - You know - the poisonous, red and black seed of the Indian licorice plant. Want to challenge? - No. At least this has vowels. That's 7,045 for me and 65 for you.
pg02-2 -- To his horror, Dilbert discovers that his white socks all have holes. "My goodness!" he cries, "I shall be forced to wear black socks to work!" - "If only my pants reached the top of my shoes, then the other engineers might not notice.",
pg02-2 -- Dilbert despaired. What are you writing? - It's a geek tragedy.
pg03-1 -- So, Dilbert, I understand this is the prototype you have been working on for the last six months. Yes, Sir. - This little baby can convert worthless pocket lint into a valuable parsley substitute! - Well ,this looks absolutely brilliant,
pg03-1 -- and completely unmarketable. Thank you Sir. I'm technology driven.
pg03-2 -- Did you ever get to thinking that maybe you are just an android, placed on Earth by an advanced civilization of huge radish-like aliens who are studying your every move? - No - Me neither.
pg04-1 -- Welcome to Electrode Hut. I'm half your age and I know more about electronics than you ever will. May I help you? - Yes. I would like a half dozen niad pulse converters and an anza brush. - (I'm bluffing) This guy is *good*. Back to mowing
pg04-1 -- lawns, junior.
pg04-2 ** Please read these brochures carefully. It could save your life. What the heck is "Electronics Anonymous"? - Let's take the enclose quiz. Number one. How many functions do you have on your toaster? Does that include the toaster disk drive
pg04-2 ** and **** ? - I think we can directly move to the "Emergency Application Form."
pg05-1 -- - POW! - Regrettably, you violated my air space.
pg05-2 -- You're kidding. - It's true. Nature compensates for weaknesses. That's why blind people have good hearing. - I guess that's also why dumb people have big mouths.
pg06-1 -- Hmm... This looks interesting. - "Build your own Star Wars missile defense system from common household appliances. Send $25 for complete plans." - Sounds great... Uh, here's the catch, "Guaranteed to be as effective as the real thing."
pg06-2 -- Low's Drugs And what can I get for you little fellow? - I want it all! Ha Ha Ha! Give me mouthwash, Gum, deodorant, lipstick, crazy glue. Yes; Yes, and some Rolaids, and - I panicked.
pg07-1 -- I'm looking for a fine wool suit, in the $700 range. Something fashionable yet timeless. - Try this It's a $35 polyester beauty. You can use it for dining out or swimming. It's half your size. Gee, and ballbottoms too! - Sure, there's risk
pg07-1 -- in being a fashion pioneer, but I guess I was just born for the spotlight.
pg07-2 -- FONG'S No Pets! Remember to act human. - Egg rolls, hot and sour soup, curry chicken, and steamed rice. And a cat. - That's "catsup", my friend would like some *catsup*. Maybe something Siamese...
pg08-1 -- Hey! Dilbert! Look at this. I discovered a hat that makes you talk funny. Try it! - Now say something. Okay, okay. - Ah feel like the North end of a Southbond prairie dawg. See? Gibberish.
pg08-2 -- Whoa! Looks like we got a Pippin Hawk, a Prickly Beak Mountain Swatow, and a Yellow-tail quail. There's that robin again. - How is that you have spotted 1,300 exotic birds this morning and all I have seen is one robin? - Look! A
pg08-2 -- Monkey-faced Disco Hawk!! Where?!
pg09-1 -- Okay, I have one. A man has a goatee and a beret. Does he also like ice cream? Yes, if he smokes a pipe. - A man has light brown curly hair, wire-rimmed glasses, neat mustache and a nice sweater. Is he gay? Yes, or a law student. - Okay. A
pg09-1 -- man has four pocket-protectors and one clip-on necktie. Is he paralyzed by attention to detail? What kind of pocket-protectors are they?
pg09-2 -- I don't understand how you can become a certified Swemi by mail in three weeks. Oh, I'm just a trainee. - In the beginning you just keep it general. That way you build the confidence of your clientele. Let us begin. - Eventually, you will
pg09-2 -- die...
pg10-1 -- Ah-hah! Just as I suspected. - Here it is! Mathematical proof that attractive women exist only in aerobics classes and whit Volkswagen Rabbits! How do you explain Vianna White? - I wonder if Isaac Newton had a dog. Or a girlfriend.
pg10-2 -- What do you think of this new Soviet policy of "openness"? - Actually, I'm not even sure that Gorbachev exists. - Guess I'm just kinda "Glasnostic."
pg11-1 -- I've decided that I need to make some dog friends. But I don't even know what regular dogs do when they get together. - Well, I suppose they would bark like idiots, run around in circles, then sniff each other's butts. - You're kidding,
pg11-1 -- right? Did I mention chewing on old bones?
pg11-2 -- Do you think I look more like Rin Tin Tin or Lassie? Maybe Benji? - I dunno. Maybe a big furry egg. - Thank you for that little inspirational boost.
pg12-1 -- You're in luck, Dogbert. We're going skiing! But I hate snow. - C'mon! Stop being a gloomy Gus. You're gonna love it It's great exercise and the view is spectacular! - Spectacular view. If you move around you won't turn into a furry chunk
pg12-1 -- of ice.
pg12-2 -- There. It's perfect. - What's that you've been working on? It's a stick-on Velcro shirt pocket. You can attach it to your chest hairs while swimming or showering. - Hmm...This just might work. 'course you may also be interested in my new
pg12-2 -- Velcro chest hair.
pg13-1 -- It's my first cake. Go on, give it a taste. Yum. - Mmm, great cake. But shouldn't this have some frosting? Oh no! Frosting is bad for you. A great cake should *not* have frosting! - Gee, I never knew that frosting was bad for me. That's
pg13-1 -- why I licked it all off.
pg13-2 -- Then after my hernia operation my allergies just made the arthritis that much worse. But this trick knee... I was coughing so hard that I thought my ulcer was gonna send me straight back to the emergency room... - HEART ATTACK - I win.
pg14-1 -- And, like snowflakes, no two are exactly alike. I saw two snowflakes that were exactly alike. - - Uh...that's not the point. I didn't bring it up.
pg14-2 -- Sometimes I think that the great unused portion of the brain holds strange powers, waiting to be discovered. - It's almost as if I can make this ball levitate off the ground with pure mind power. Let's see. MMMMMMM - Dang. Nothing. WUMP!
pg15-1 -- - 9-7-6-P-U-D-L * click Hello! zees ees Fifi. Zank you for calling Dial-a-poodle... - ssssssssss
pg15-2 -- TWELVE THOUSAND DOLLARS?!! This is impossible. My phone bill can't be twelve thousand dollars. Dogbert! - By any chance, would you know anything about these six thousand calls to Dial-a-poodle? - ...but with the chicken bone stuck in my
pg15-2 -- throat, each time I tried to dial 911 for help, my little paw went into spasm and... And this went on for two weeks?
pg16-1 -- This is ridiculous. You can't just create your own religion. - I got it all figured out. First I make a list of all the things people like. Then I tell them they can't do anything on the list. Then they give me money. - Well, that is the
pg16-1 -- most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. You're really hurting your chances for Apostle.
pg16-2 -- Okay, let's assume you go ahead with your crazy idea to start a religion. How are you going to recruit disciples? - I took out an ad in the paper. I'm asking for people who are willing to give up all of their worldly goods and dedicate
pg16-2 ** their lives to a little dog with glasses. Well, that should be the end of this silly fantasy. - And when you get over the embarrassment I hope you learn your lesson; that humans are not the simple, gullible creatures you thought they were! knock knock knock
pg16-2 ** rrrring Would you like to answer the phone? I'll see who's at the door.
pg17-1 -- Welcome, my children, to the first-ever congregation of the Church of the Dog. Hey, what do we believe in anyway? - Believe? ... Uh, well, we got a supreme being I think, and a list of things we feel bad about doing.....and, uh... But who
pg17-1 -- do we hate? - Hate? Uh, well, how about car salesmen? I'm in. Get my checkbook.
pg17-2 -- Master Dogbert, I have studied the Holy Book of Dog as you ordered, but I still don't understand. - How can I help you my son? This seems to be a plain old dictionary. - Granted, some interpretation will be necessary. I figured that out at
pg17-2 -- "M".
pg18-1 -- U.S. Mail Excuse me. - I noticed that your letter has insufficient postage. In exchange for your immortal soul I can ensure that it gets through without a hitch. Slow day.
pg18-2 -- I am the Prince of Darkness, Lucifer, Mephistopheles!! Worship me you insignificant mortal! Got any I.D.? - rrrr.... - It's blank. Can't be photographed. Get it?
pg19-1 -- For some reason I always thought you would be, uh..., I guess, more... Impressive? - Actually, this Satan job used to be a lot more important. - But now, most of the world's evil has been franchised out on a percentage basis. That explains
pg19-1 -- Chicken McNuggets.
pg19-2 -- Satan, I'd like you to meet my little sidekick, Dogbert. Charmed. - Relax Dogbert. I've been treated worse at the corner bank. Oh, *THAT* makes me feel better. -Eventually, Dogbert did relax, as he, Dilbert, and Stan talked well into the
pg19-2 -- night. Well what about "New Coke"? That must have been one of yours. Ha, Ha...No. That was just luck.
pg20-1 -- Well, I had a great time talking to you, but I gotta go. Where is your nearest portal to hell? My what? - What makes you think this house has one of those "Portals to Hell"? Every house has one! Usually two. Ah...here's one. - Erg! Umph!
pg20-1 -- Well now, this is one good argument against getting a large screen projection unit.
pg20-2 -- Hey, look, what Satan forgot when he left through the T.V.! - Foosh! - Be careful. You could put somebody's eye out with that thing. Right.
pg21-1 -- Gosh. According to this survey, a single woman over the age of 35 has the same odds of getting married as being killed by terrorists. - Of the women over 35 who do eventually get married, how many marry terrorists? - One in four.
pg21-2 -- Well, here it is: my first ever issue of Generic News. I can sell millions of these babies! - Let's see, Pope denounces war...Iran attacks Iraq...Iraq attacks Iran...Economic indicators mixed...Survey results show that people want more
pg21-2 -- money... - I think you're on to something here. How much is it? A thousand dollars. You only need one.
pg22-1 -- What do you mean you built a robot dog?!! You can't replace me!! Calm down, Dogbert. - Awf AAAGHH!! The devil dog! Help! Help! - I was created to serve your every need, Master Dogbert. Okay, he can stay. But you owe me one.
pg22-2 -- Ta-dah! My artificial intelligence program is complete. Now for a test run... - Good work is more important than good looks... - Hmm... Must have transposed a digit here somewhere. click click click
pg23-1 -- Are you going to eat Chinese food with that pushy guy again? Ralph isn't pushy - he's assertive. Ding dong - Yo Dilbo! What took ya so long? Hey, would you mind watering your lawn and shaving the dog before we go? Uh, okay... - He's tough,
pg23-1 -- but he's fair. Mind if I change the furniture?
pg23-2 -- Smoking or non-smoking? Non-smoking! And non-baby, non-wimp, non-idiot, and non-Republican. - Gosh Ralph, I really admire the way you get exactly what you want. - It's easy, really. The secret is realizing that people enjoy being told what
pg23-2 -- to do. People hate wimps. - We'll have the lobster. Then I would like you to go outside and wax my car. And have these other customers removed. Very good, Sir! Thank you! Thank you!
pg24-1 -- - Greetings Earth dog. We have traveled four beldines to find out why Earth pets are forced to eat from dirty little bowls, white Earth humans use fine chins. - Well, basically, it's political. It all began after the unsuccessful poodle
pg24-1 -- rebellion in France around 1723... Better use pencil...
pg24-2 -- Oh, please, please, please... - Yay! It is here! - The quality of life certainly has improved since I signed up for the Toast of the Month Club.
pg25-1 -- Making soup? No. Studying astronomy. - Smells like soup. No, astronomy. - Buoillons and bouillions...
pg25-2 -- Look Dilbert, if you want to meet women you have to take positive action. - Like what? Look in the Yellow Pages under "Desperate"? - It says, "See listing under Pathetic Nerd." Try looking under "Floozy."
sh006a -- Dogbert, see who's at the door. DING DONG - Hi. I'm from the "Big Ball Wrecking Company." I have a work order to destroy this house. - Looks like you have the wrong address. This is Walnut *Avenue*. Walnut *Street* is clear across town. - Oh
sh006a -- Phlegm! I don't have time to drive way over there. - Would it be a bother if I just leveled this house instead. - That would be a tad inconvenient. Try the Johnsons, next door. - What was that loud noise? Apparently the Johnsons aren't home.
sh007a -- You've been watching this video tape over and over for days. - These Tennis instruction tapes are great. I can just feel my game improving as I watch. - In fact, I see no need to physically play the game ever again.
sh007b -- Maybe I should write a book. - Nah... Maybe I should just read a book. - Maybe I'll just read the TV guide... Maybe I'll just watch whatever's on and turn into pudding...
sh007c -- Sometimes I feel like a kid in an adult's body, hoping nobody notices. - It's as if I stopped maturing and just started faking it after age fourteen. - I'll bet women never feel that way. Cooties
sh008a -- Hold it right here, Fella! - Uh-oh...you must have seen me eat that grape in aisle "B". I just want to make sure you pay for it. - Looks like 192 pounds. What where you before you came in? Happy.
sh008b -- It's just man against fish out here, my friend. - Although it's a bit of a mismatch, with my superior brain, equipment and strength. - Boy, all that and he can water-ski, too.
sh008c -- Scientists have discovered the gene that makes some people love golf. - How can they tell it's the golf gene? - It's plaid and it lies. I probably shouldn't rely on you for my science updates.
sh009a -- They were rude to me on the bank again, Dogbert - I've had enough... Sic 'em, boy!! - 6 month CDs 3% OPEN - Hi. I'm David Packard; billionaire founder of Hewlett-Packard. - I'd like to put all of my money into one of your non-interest bearing
sh009a -- accounts. - You're not David Packard. You're just a dreadful little dog with glasses. - Then again...I've never seen a picture of David Packard... I'd better open the account. - Very good. Now give me fifty push-ups or I'll take my business
sh009a -- elsewhere.
sh010a -- WHAP!! Why is it okay to kill flies but not okay to kill dolphins? - Is the poor fly any less deserving of our respect and protection? - Hold still...there's a dolphin on your forehead. I've added the A.S.P.C.A. to our speed dialer.
sh010b -- Helen just canceled our date. What excuse this time? - Apparently she discovered tiny frozen cavemen in her ice cube trays and she's trying to revive them for science. - Are you the least bit suspicious of that story? Yeah... How do I know they
sh010b -- aren't just actors pretending to be cavemen?
sh010c -- Tonight Siskel and Ebert review Dilbert's life. - ...boring and stupid... look out, gene; I'm gonna have to spit to get the taste out of my mouth... - I hate when they do these theme shows. Oops. Sorry, gene. click
sh011a -- And another of life's mysteries is, why do they call it the "Great Wall of China"? - It never really kept any invading armies out...kind of dismal flop from an engineering perspective. - I don't think "The Dismal Flop of China" would have the
sh011a -- same tourist appeal. I wouldn't pay to see it.
sh011b -- My terrarium experiment is a failure. - By now it should have started its own self-contained weather patterns. - After all this waiting, it's just so... so... Anti-climatic?
sh011c -- Isn't it stupid that the world economy is based on gold? - Yeah...no matter how advanced civilization gets, we still use rocks for money. - The dumb part is using a rock that's so hard to find.
sh012a -- Hi, Dilbert. Hi, Frank. - My name is Eddy, not Frank. - Oh...right. Sorry, Eddy. This is so embarrassing. - Forgetting somebody's name is the worst insult in the world. - Now my self-esteem has been damaged. My job performance will drop
sh012a -- accordingly, and I'll be fired. - The stress is starting to affect my immune system. I'm getting a cold. I'm Dogbert. Nice to meet you, Frank.
sh013a -- I'm writing a poem for a woman I just met. Women love poems. - Your Legs How wonderful your legs are, You can even ask my mutt, - 'Cause if you didn't have 'em, the ground would hit your butt.
sh013b -- Yo, Dilbert, give me your lunch money or I'll erase your data diskettes. - Touch my data and I'll erase any mention of you from the main payroll computer. No...please, I'm sorry. - Nothing is more pathetic than an aging school bully. I
sh013b -- took shop; I can make you some nice bookends.
sh013c -- I've decided it's time to stop talking about world hunger and start *doing* something! - Let others debate policies. My time is to act now. - You're going to buy a smarmy bumper sticker, aren't you? Darn straight.
sh014a -- I wish this guy wouldn't try to be polite and hold the door. - I'm at that awkward distance where I should lunge forward so he doesn't have to hold the door too long. Oh, thank you. - Great. Now I'm late. I lunged as fast as I could. Sorry.
sh014b -- Hey, how are you, What's happenin'? - Good to see you. I'm fine. Great, great. Take care. - I guess there was no real need for me to participate in that.
sh014c -- All of us cosmopolitan guys use credit cards to pay for dinner. - Uh-oh. I never know which part of the paperwork to keep. I know something gets ripped up... - ...and by the time I noticed the tablecloth was tangled up with the carbon
sh014c -- paper, I had ripped both of them to bits. And that's wrong?
sh015a -- AAACHOO! - Great. Now I've got your cold. Sniffle - I'll get some medicine from the store. - Hi, Dogbert. AACHOO - AACHOO! Sorry...Dilbert's cold. - ...and seven nations are paralyzed by what is being called "Dilbert's Cold." Gosh. I might
sh015a -- have that, too. sniff
sh016a -- I was mugged, but I got a good look at him. I'll get a police artist. - ...a big head, and kind of a frightened expression... - Perfect. Looks just like me. Now let's do the mugger. He was sort of off to the left here.
sh016b -- What's all the writing for? It's called "affirmations." - The theory is that if you write down your objective fifteen times a day, the objective will be achieved, no matter how unlikely. - But you've written "Dilbert will be eaten by a
sh016b -- garden slug." It's all I could think of.
sh016c -- Dogbert continues his reckless experiment with the powerful force of "affirmations." ...what if this actually works? - Can you really cause me to be eaten by a garden slug just by writing it down over and over? - What am I saying?
sh016c -- Logically, there's no way this could work. Don't get too far from salt.
sh017a -- Uh oh...double doors. One side is always locked and I make a fool of myself trying to open it. - Which side is it? Left? Right? People are watching. Think, think... - That's when I noticed that the ventilation ducts were big enough for a
sh017a -- human to crawl through. Too bad they didn't lead outside.
sh017b -- All mammals have hair. - Whales are mammals... Therefore, whales have hair. - Shave the whales.
sh017c -- Dilbert, let me introduce you to our new engineer. - I hate introductions. I always forget their names. Maybe I can use a word association memory trick. - Hi, I'm Dee Alamo. Darn...nothing.
sh018a -- Puff puff puf - How was your run? Great...I feel awful. - Pardon a simple dog for asking, but why do you run if it feels awful? - Well, If I do it every day, I'll live a longer life. - So, life will feel awful, but at least it will last a
sh018a -- long time. Unless I get hit by a truck...
sh019a -- Here's an interesting editorial... - This guy says we should increase the pay of congressmen to remove incentive for them to engage in illegal acts. - By that theory, criminals aren't bad, just underpaid.
sh019b -- Okay then, suppose you had everything you wanted. What would you do? - Gloat. Make everybody else feel like failures. Live a garish and decadent life. - And when that gets boring? Maybe start my own perfume company.
sh019c -- YIKES! What are you?! Do not panic. I am your ego. - My ego?? ...Shouldn't you be inside me someplace? Well, yes, normally we egos feed within the body. - So what the heck are you doing out here? You're starving me, man, I'm going to try
sh019c -- out for a play or something.
sh020a -- Well, if you're my ego, I order you to get back inside me. - You don't seem to understand who's in charge here. Without me, you're *nothing*! - I do feel a bit insecure... Now dance for me, *HA HA HA*, dance!
sh020b -- Maybe just one donut before bed. He takes the bait. - zing SPLOIT!! - Didn't I ask you to stop playing "wild kingdom" in the house? Now angered, the engineer turns to charge.
sh020c -- I've been considering acupuncture as a way to relieve stress. - The theory her is that sticking large needles into your body will help you relax? - It sounds silly when *you* say it. Sometines sarcasm helps us think more clearly.
sh021a -- Did I even tell you what dogs think about the universe? - We believe in infinite parallel universes, all slightly different. - For example, in our universe, Vincent van Gogh cut his ear off to demonstrate his love for a woman. - But, in a
sh021a -- parallel universe, van Gogh loses the ear in a tragic toenail clipping accident... - ...Vinnie clips the nail, and it just goes flyin' up and rips his ear clean off. - In yet another universe, maybe he had a dog who talked his ear off.
sh021c -- This is why dogs rarely discuss their beliefs.
sh022a -- QUICK, QUICK! GIVE ME YOUR HAND!!! - AAACHOOO - Thanks...I always put a hand over my mouth when I sneeze.
sh022b -- I'm enjoying the new informal approach at the white house. - I just hope it doesn't embarrass us in the international community. - Doggone it, I told you to set up a meeting with *Gorby*! What's a Gorby?
sh022c -- I have a stupid question... There are no stupid questions. - That's ridiculous...if there are no stupid questions then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions? - Were you going to ask me
sh022c -- something? See... Now there's a stupid question.
sh023a -- What does a dog school have in common with the TV show "sixty minutes"? - They both have "hairy reasoners." Uh...right. - And people wonder why dogs sometimes turn on their owners...
sh023b -- Well...I would date you... - But frankly I think of you as a boring and unattractive blob of organic matter... - So let's just be friends.
sh023c -- Well, Dilbert, will our idea work from a technical perspective? - I wasn't listening... Now I'll have to babble about irrelevant technical things until they lose consciousness. - And in conclusion, never underestimate the power of
sh023c -- technology. zzz zzz zzz
sh024a -- Dilbert, the boss would like to talk to you. - You wanted me? Ah, Dilbert, come in. - I'm taking two weeks of vacation and I need competent leadership while I'm gone. - At last he's giving me an assignment with responsibility. - That's why
sh024a -- I got this talking sock monkey. Pull the string twice a day and do what he says.
sh025a -- Hmm...says there that Michael Jackson is considering even more plastic surgery. - That explains why he wanted to buy the remains of the "Elephant Man." - For spare parts? Well, it wasn't for the ivory.
sh025b -- Pardon me, Sir, but I couldn't help noticing these equations in your garbage. - I took the liberty of correcting a few quantum calculations. - Gosh. Why are you a garbage man? I think the question is "Why are *you* an engineer?"
sh025c -- I understand that you're the world's smartest garbage man. - I'm Dogbert, the world's smartest dog; according to me, anyway. - I just wondered why you choose to be a garbage man. I think it was the glamour which first intrigued me.
sh026a -- Do you ever feel like doing something really strange? - Sometimes I get the urge to break into the post office at night and lick all the stamps. - Well...that's not *too* strange. Then I would see how long I can stick to the wall by my tongue.
sh026b -- Sometimes I feel like I'm just an actor on the cosmic stage of life. - Maybe I'm Dustin Hoffman in a doggie costume. - I better find a mirror and check my fur for a zipper.
sh026c -- God spoke to me today. He appointed me ruler of all creatures on earth. - God did *not* speak to you. - It was worth a shot.
sh027a -- Be honest, Dogbert, Do you think I'm a gifted inventor... - ...or just a pathetic dweeb who contributes nothing to humanity? - Well...uh...I think... - In my mind, you are the "tube sock of inventors.! - Really? Gosh...thank you...wait, that's
sh027a -- good, right? Of course, it must be good. - Ambiguity succeeds where honesty dares not venture.
sh028a -- This is the new "Hot Line" phone to the Kremlin. My company won the bid to engineer the new model. - That's a fully functional prototype, so don't mess with it. - So, Gorby, I understand you've been finger-painting with your forehead...
sh028b -- Dogbert play a reckless prank with Dilbert's prototype "Hot-Line" to the Kremlin Hey, Gorby, did you hear this quote... - "Communism is the most painful path between capitalism and capitalism." - "Fire one"? Ha ha ha...what a kidder you are.
sh028c -- Some say it is man's ability to reason which separates him from mere animals. Yeah, but... - Surely you realize that in the animal kingdom there is no equivalent to "all-star wrestling." - Ooh-we're missing it right now. Stomp your foot twice
sh028c -- if you're following any of this at all.
sh029a -- YIKES!!! A SKUNK IN THE HOUSE!!! - Oh, don't worry; we skunks only spray when we're scared...I certainly wouldn't use my threatening power to force you to do my bidding. - Then why is your tail twitching?! I'm scared you might not offer me a
sh029a -- big bowl of strawberry ice cream.
sh029b -- Dilbert is threatened by an abusive skunk. That's right: A big bowl of ice cream could keep me from being afraid and reflexively spraying your living room. - This blackmail! My goodness, no. It's just that I can't control my fear response. -
sh029b -- Now I'm afraid that you won't sing the songs from "Cats" while I eat.
sh029c -- Dust. Where does it come from? How does it get under your bed? - Is it a natural phenomenon or a message to ancient astronauts? - Tomorrow on "Geraldo," "Dust: What's it all mean?" It means you're pretty much out of topics.
sh030a -- I bought a phone answering machine. Was the phone asking you questions you couldn't answer on your own? - The hard part is thinking of a greeting message. - "Hi. This is Dilbert. I'm not here right now." - "Well, technically I am here 'now'..."
sh030a -- - "But 'now' is a relative term, so use your best judgment in deciding whether I'm here." - Hmm...that was actually a creative little message. Demonstrating, once again, that subtle difference between creativity and complex stupidity.
sh031a -- That's right...cough-cough! ...I won't be in to work...cough-wheeze-cough... - Bad cold? Well, no, actually I have a bad headache... - But I don't know how to make a headache sound over the phone.
sh031b -- I got hit by a rented car. - Hertz? Not any more, but thanks for asking. - That's about all the sympathy I can muster for one day.
sh031c -- I'm afraid I'll never figure out how to make my invention work. You are too logical. Use the right side of your brain. - Hmm...Yes, I must call on my creative side... - Now it doesn't work *and* I want to cry.
sh032a -- My computer has determined the funniest words in the world... - They include chainsaw, weasel, prune and any reference to "Gilligan's Island." Now I can make my own jokes! - ...so then the skipper gets attacked by this prune-eating weasel
sh032a -- with a chainsaw... Heh-heh...
sh032b -- Dogbert, I can't sleep...do you know any folk-remedies? - I recommend spreading grape jelly on your torso and slapping your forehead against an overripe cantaloupe. - This must be how all folk remedies get started. Slap slap slap
sh032c -- Uh-oh...toll booth ahead. Turn down the radio...get exact change ready. - Good morning. - I wonder if it's normal to want the toll-taker to like me.
sh033a -- Santa! Merry Christmas, Dogbert! - I'm glad you're up... I'm having a little trouble with your Christmas list. - In your letter you say you want to be named supreme ruler of earth. Is that a problem? - frankly, my workshop is more oriented
sh033a -- toward small consumer goods... Can I have all elf? - Has G.I. Joe taken up ballet, or is this something I don't want to know about?
sh034a -- Free Hypnosis Lessons! Hmm... - There's probably some catch, but it's worth a look. - ...a wonderful class... I must tell my friends.
sh034b -- I'm thinking of getting a tattoo. - On my shoulder...something tasteful yet timeless. I don't want to regret it later. - Any suggestions? How about "Kick Me"?
sh034c -- Doing a little cleaning? Let me give you a hand... - Wait...I can't lend a hand; all I have are these little paws. - You'd make a good lawyer. Charming...I offer to help and he insults me.
sh035a -- Oh, sure, Dan Quayle may be Vice President of the United States... - ...but he still puts his pants on one leg at a time. - Oh, Lord, not this again...
sh035b -- I was rewarded today for perfect attendance at work. What do you get? - A day off with pay. - It's a miracle your species has survived this long.
sh035c -- Let me get this straight...you say that *bad* grammar can become *good* grammar over time? - Yes. If a bunch of intellectuals start using a word wrong, the it becomes proper in common usage. - Grammar would be a lot less confusing if we had
sh035c -- smarter intellectuals.
sh036a -- Put on your party hat, Dogbert. It's almost 1990. - Do you have any new year's resolutions? - A few... - I resolve to show no tolerance for those less fortunate... - Redefine morality to suit my short term objectives... - And conquer the
sh036a -- planet Earth and make all the inhabitants my slaves. - I don't think you've captured the spirit of this resolution thing. You're just jealous because I took all the good ones.
sh037a -- I'm grumpy today, so don't even try to talk to me. - And don't try to flatter me or give me chocolate cake to make me feel better. - And I guess I shouldn't scratch you behind the ears until you have little leg spasms. Right. None of that.
sh037b -- I'm starting to write an unauthorized biography about you. - It's kind of a "pet and tell" expose full of startling revelations. - Who would be startled by *my* life? - I think *you* will be.
sh037c -- Are you really going through with the unauthorized biography of me? Yes. - I'm up to the part where Jackie "O" and Liz Taylor fight a duel for your love. - Tragically, neither are aware that you're carrying Steve Garvey's baby! tap tap tap
sh038a -- Welcome to another meeting of the "Skeptic's Society." - Tonight we will use scientific methods to debunk Edna Griffin's claim that she can turn an audience into a flock of chickens. We'll need some volunteers... - Motion to adjourn...
sh038a -- Whoa, look at the time!
sh038b -- Good news: The "all-you-can-eat" salad bar joint just decided to stay open twenty-four hours a day! - We can get a table by the window and live there for the rest of our lives-for only $5.95 apiece! - How would we bathe? They have little
sh038b -- "moist towlettes."
sh038c -- Do you have something for a headache? - I'm pretty sure this will do the trick. - Thanks. I wonder if meant something to *get rid* of a headache. Nah...
sh039a -- Bob's Classy Clothes OPEN - ...And you're quite certain these will shrink to fit? You have my word as a retail salesman. - - You were taken. No, they shrink in the wash. - Will they fit now? Like a glove... - Like a glove with two fingers.
sh040a -- I've got to get out of this bad mood somehow. - I'll have to find somebody innocent to blame...and make him plead for my forgiveness. - Hi, Dogbert. Is that some kind of an insult?
sh040b -- I can feel the static electricity building... shuffle shuffle shuffle shuffle - shuffle shuffle - shuffle shuffle I most certainly will *not* call you "Thor, Dog of Thunder." Prepare to die.
sh040c -- Maybe since you're full of static electricity, you should say "It is useless to be a resistor." Hee-hee-hee. - ZAP!! - Nothing annoys the "Dog of Thunder" quite as much as nerd puns.
sh041a -- Let's go...it's time to renew your dog license. - Department of Dogs - I wonder what happens if I fail the written test?
sh041b -- I'm sorry, but it seems you've failed the written portion of the dog license test. Impossible! - For example, this question on "natural enemies": The correct answer is "Mailman." You wrote-in "Fax-Machine." - How'd it go? The "Department
sh041b -- of Dogs" does not keep up with emerging trends.
sh041c -- I think it's my fuel pump. Your what? - What I mean is I think it's my @#!#* fuel pump. - Well, why didn't you just #$@* say so? Sorry...I forgot where I was.
sh042a -- You know, many great men kept diaries. Not to mention the entire Kirk Cameron Fan Club. - Monday: Woke up. Went to work. Came home. Ate. Watched T.V. and went to bed. - Well, this was both therapeutic and satisfying. - Sometimes it's good
sh042a -- to bare your soul like that. - Who the heck is Kirk Cameron? Tuesday: See "Monday."
sh043a -- You what?!! I got a job a a substitute school teacher. - You aren't qualified to be a teacher. You're a dog. Little kids won't know the difference. - You do remind me a bit of my fourth grade teacher. Just a coincidence?
sh043b -- Can't I talk you out of becoming a substitute teacher? Don't worry. - I won't damage the little tykes. - Day one Good morning, children. I'm Mr. Dogbert. Are you flammable?
sh043c -- Day one as a substitute teacher Jennifer! Put that flame-thrower away right this minute! - Eugene! Release those hostages or I shall be forced to fling this chalk eraser at your head! - Is that a "stinger" missile launcher? Well, I hope
sh043c -- you brought enough for everybody! I did.
sh044a -- Okay, class...put your weapons away and open your TV guides. - Timmy, please read aloud the passage from "Falcon Crest" under the Friday listings. - There's got to be a better way to teach sex education.
sh044b -- How was your first day as a substitute school teacher? - Imagine feeling completely powerless...like a marble statue... - Gosh...that sounds pretty bad. Now imagine the biggest flock of pigeons you ever saw...
sh044c -- I think I'm losing my hair. - Don't be silly. You aren't losing your hair. - I'm not? Oh, good. How could you possibly lose these huge clumps...
sh045a -- KNOCK KNOCK - Hi. I'm from the "Organization for the protection of ugly people." - We are dedicated to eliminating the stereotype of ugly people as "smart" and "nice." - Okay, I'll make a donation. - Thanks, but this is a membership
sh045a -- drive... - I'm never going to answer the door again. Didn't he recognize you as his god?
sh046a -- ...and women have always played hard to get... - Dilbert and Eve Then how about a date next year? I'd love to, but I don't have a thing to wear.
sh046b -- Normally I'd give you six months to live. - But we're having a "50% off sale" today, so I'll give you a full year for the same price. - And you get an extra ten days if you pay cash!
sh046c -- ...and the doctor gave me just a year to live. - I'm sorry, little guy... I don't know how you'll manage without me. - Would it be too much trouble to paint the house before you go?
sh047a -- It seem s we had a mix-up with your test results. Then I'm not dying? - We doctors are amazingly smart, but occasionally we make a little error. - Well...I understand. By the way, your pap smear was normal.
sh047b -- By my calculations, we can make millions by combining a mortuary business and a garbage collection business. - Our customers souls simply leave the dearly departed by the curb for pick-up. - Maybe we could add Pizza delivery, too. - Let's
sh047b -- not a good idea too far.
sh047c -- I hate fancy hotels like this... - Am I expected to tip the maid when I leave? - I could ask that concierge guy... Can I trust a guy with a french-sounding job? ...and do I have to tip *him*?
sh048a -- Ha ha ha! My scheme to conquer Earth is right on track! - I've been approved for a Macys credit card! - I'll use this credit history to apply for Visa and Mastercard. - Soon I'll have credit cards from every bank in the world. - Then I'll
sh048a -- do a cash advance on every card, netting billions to form a worldwide lottery prize. - And everybody who supports me as supreme ruler of earth gets one free lottery ticket. You know, most dogs would be delighted just to get a nice
sh048a -- chew-toy.
sh049a -- I've decided to write down all the so-called "unwritten rules." - So far I have "don't phone after them P.M." and...uh... - That's it? How about "don't throw porcupines in a balloon store"?
sh049b -- While you were wasting your time at work I came up with a million dollar idea. - It's the "Madonna Sun Tan Lotion Applicator" for lonely guys!! - I'll take one. It looks like Barbie on a stick, but it's Madonna.
sh049c -- No, you may *not* borrow the car to go cruising. I think we should vote on it. - Heh-heh...Okay, but a tie means no change in the decision. - I'm glad he didn't demand a recount.
sh050a -- According to my research, dogs are exempt from human laws. - The great part is that I can commit any crime and my owner will be held fully responsible. - I'm hoping you won't take a selfish view on this.
sh050b -- Thanks for asking me out. Would you like to see my operating manual? - Operating manual? It's an aid to men. It covers everything from "buying flowers" to "opening doors." - Looks like you're due to have your jewelry rotated.
sh050c -- What's all the racket? I'm singing the "greens." - Is that like the "Blues"? - Same beat, just not so darned depressing. - Oooh...my car needs a tune up and I overslept ten minutes baaabee...
sh051a -- Sorry, I don't date guys from work. - I'll resign... Sorry, I don't date unemployed guys. - I...I'll get a new job...one you approve of. - Sorry, I don't date guys with your social security number. - So, it turns out her unlucky number has
sh051a -- nine digits in it... But she knows my social security number, so I think there's some interest in it...
sh052a -- Ugh...what time is it? ...where am I? ...Who am I? - Must be morning...is it a work day? Do I have a job?... Is it worth getting up for? - "Morning amnesia": Nature's way of keeping you from walking up screaming.
sh052b -- Dogbert, we can't stand hiding around the house anymore. - We dinosaurs ruled this planet once. Now we just hide in people's houses, pretending to be extinct. - Dawn, it's time for our comeback tour. I think some of Elvis' jumpsuits will fit.
sh052c -- We'll kick off the dinosaur comeback tour by singing "My Way." - Then we'll break the instruments, wade into the crowd and bite the head off somebody in the front row! - "Ozzy Osborne" already did that.
sh053a -- Ice cream - LOOK OUT! - Sorry. I've been really jumpy ever since the ice age caught me off guard.
sh053b -- Dogbert performs a scientific test of so-called "Women's intuition." I'm thinking of a number between one and ten. - 5.1362894...no, I'll say three. - Wrong! The answer is 5.1362894...I'm beginning to wonder if you're really a woman.
sh053c -- You've heard the *other* tire company imply that our child's safety depends on its product... - That's nothing. If you don't buy *our* tires your whole stinkin' extended family will croak!!! - And don't get too attached to the family dog,
sh053c -- either. HA HA HA HA HA!!
sh054a -- Be candid, Dilbert. We have a corporate philosophy that says we "don't shoot the messenger." Good. - Had you consulted with the engineering department, you never would have launched such an ill-conceived product. - It is doomed to fail. You will
sh054a -- all be humiliated and and probably fired. - CAN'T I JUST WIG HIM?!! No, Eileen, that's not our philosophy. - It turns out the corporate philosophy is a very flexible document. You're getting tar on the carpet.
sh055a -- Dogbert...napping again? - Don't you know that many famous people functioned with very little sleep...? There were Jackie Gleason, Ben Franklin, Napoleon... - I like to think I'm more attractive than any of those guys.
sh055b -- ...so to do our part for east-west relations... - I've decided to host a dog from the Soviet exchange program. WHAT? - Dogbert, I'd like you to meet Nikita... Nikita Dorgachev. Charmed.
sh055c -- Dogbert meets the Soviet-exchange program dog. He seems harmless. Greetings, comrade Dogbert. - I have come to learn capitalist system from dog's perspective. - ...and your god is Donald Trump? I don't think it's official yet.
sh056a -- You see, Dorgy, under our capitalist system anybody can become rich. How? - Inheritance and crime are the most popular methods. - Which is preferred method? It's best to have your parents do the crime and let you inherit it.
sh056b -- Dorgy, why are you dressed like a maid? Dogbert is teaching me capitalism. - Today I am lowly maid. But with hard work I will be promoted to job as major industrialist. Right? - Apparently there is flaw in the system. Yeah, but we blame it on
sh056b -- the Japanese.
sh056c -- The great thing about dogs is their loyalty. - I flushed all of your sweaters down the john, because it is fun. - Dogs are honest, too. And I'll do it again HA HA HA!
sh057a -- I read that dinosaurs evolved into the bird family. That's exactly correct, Dogbert. - But most people don't realize that there was a very difficult period when some dinosaurs started evolving into birds. - "Learning to fly was the hardest
sh057a -- part." - "And living in trees was a real nuisance." - Boy, that sounds tough. The tragic part is that we did it just for the "bonus miles."
sh058a -- Hello, is this the library reference desk? Yes. - What's the average running speed of the Tazmanian boola-boola dog? 8.3 miles per hour. - I can't believe she knew that. And you have something stuck in your teeth.
sh058b -- I've got a blind date with the lady who works at the library reference desk. What if she's ugly? - Looks aren't important. She sounded very smart over the phone, and I'm attracted to intelligent women. Oh...right. - Uh...should I talk, or will
sh058b -- you be reading my thoughts directly?
sh058c -- So, um...how do you like working at the library reference desk? - It's pretty good, now that I've memorized all the books. No more flipping through pages... - I'm feeling a bit inadequate at the moment. - Don't worry. I'll just think about
sh058c -- other things while you're talking.
sh059a -- Gosh, Brainella, I've never dated a woman as smart as you before... - Let's just start right in talking about all kinds of smart stuff. C'mon, give me your best shot. I'm not intimidated. - Not here. If your brain explodes, it'll ruin my
sh059a -- outfit.
sh059b -- Pssst! Dogbert. - I brought my date home for some coffee. Please don't make any comments about her...uh...looks. - Brainella, this is Dogbert. The queen of Light bulbs?
sh059c -- Doesn't "fast" mean not eating? - So how can you have "Fast Food"? - And how much would I have to eat before I starved to death?
sh060a -- I programmed the computer to predict what people will be like in 200 years. - What assumptions are you making? - It's based on trends in today's youth. - For example, we know that science skills are declining, more kids are overweight, and
sh060a -- selfishness is rising. - A.D. 2190 I heard that Bobby exploded. I wonder why that keeps happening. Who cares? More for us.
sh061a -- This is Uncle Phil before he died hang gliding. - Did he hit a tree? Let's just say he didn't read the hang glider manual very carefully. - I wonder if there's another reason it's called hang gliding. Nah...
sh061b -- I decided to recognize you for your performance. - So I named one of my pencils after you. - Gosh. Is that it right there? no. That's my good pencil.
sh061c -- This is so nice... Just a man and his mutt out for a walk. "Mutt"?! - I think of it more as a "canine and a clod" or a "dog and a dummy"... Maybe a pooch and a pinhead" or a "bowser and a blockhead." - I think that's enough. A "hound and a
sh061c -- honey."
sh062a -- Here's a picture of my uncle just before he was drafted. He was awarded eleven purple hearts. - He was wounded eleven times? Uncle William insisted that his friends call him "Will"... - OKAY, MEN, FIRE AT WILL!!
sh062b -- Hello? This is your bank. - We're having trouble meeting payroll... Could you come down and make some deposits right away? - Will you take a check? From *you*?
sh062c -- "Urgent memo to all employees:" Uh-oh. Looks important. - "If we are to remain competitive, you must proactively improve quality on all actionable items!" - Wow! That was inspiring. My heart is pounding. I'm all tingly... - I'd better take the
sh062c -- rest of the day off...
sh063a -- I like your dress. Women are flattery. - It reminds me of my favorite dish cloth. Uh-oh... wrong thing to say. - Of course, I'm not talking about an *ordinary* dish cloth. Dig, dig... - I'm talking about a truly fashionable dish cloth here...
sh063a -- In fact, if I dropped jello on my shoes I'd leave it there all day rather than use your dress to wipe it up. - Some women just don't know how to accept a compliment gracefully.
sh064a -- Look what I won, Dogbert! It's a trophy for perfect attendance! - Since *you*'ve never won a trophy, I thought you might get some vicarious joy by dusting and waxing *my* trophy every day. Here. - I hope that trophy doesn't go to my head.
sh064b -- Mister garbage man, what is life? Well, Dogbert... - Life is like old cantaloupe rinds wrapped in a faded newspaper and sprinkled with wet coffee grounds. - Life is garbage? Call me a romantic.
sh064c -- Sometimes I think gravity is only an illusion. - Maybe other great thinkers realized gravity is mental and were thus freed of its restrictions. - Which would explain why all the smart people have apparently been flung into space. It's time for
sh064c -- "Wheel of Fortune."
sh065a -- I can tell what my date is thinking by her body language. - Her body is telling me "let's cuddle by a fireplace..." - "I'll get some firewood," she says...
sh065b -- I really enjoy these quiet times we have. - Just delicious silence. No annoying noise. No inane chatter. - Apparently you don't  listen to you, either.
sh065c -- Yo! Dilbert and Dogbert! Oh no... Hi, Vernon. Yo. - The most boring person I know... Gotta get out of here but I'm too polite. Did I ever tell you about my favorite episode of "Kojak"? - Whoa! Vern, we gotta go before you turn our brains into
sh065c -- tapioca! There's always the direct method.
sh066a -- Yes? I'm demanding a new wage and benefits package. - I already give you everything you want... - And in return you give me disloyalty, verbal abuse and occasional legal problems. - Okay, it's a good job, but I'm putting in twenty-four hours a
sh066a -- day! - I think I deserve some sort of special recognition for my good work. - Employee of the month. I'm positively giddy. You edged out the toaster by two votes.
sh067a -- Riding elevators is so awkward. - Stare straight ahead...don't breathe...don't fidget...don't blink...arms hang like limp weights... - I think he's dead. Above all, act naturally.
sh067b -- It's amazing that dogs never seem to sweat. - That's because I sneak into your bedroom every morning and use your deodorant before you can wake up - Oh...well, it's amazing that dogs don't need to brush their teeth. That reminds me - our
sh067b -- tooth-brush is getting spongy.
sh067c -- Men don't whistle at me anymore. - I credit the women's movement for making men more sensitive to how whistling degrades women. - What's the climate like on your planet?
sh068a -- Dogbert, I have come for you. YOW! - Wait wait! Don't I get to challenge you to some contest to play for my life!!? - Okay...I throw this Frisbee - you try to catch it in your mouth. Did you have anything more degrading?
sh068b -- Dogbert tries to cheat death ...so, if you catch the Frisbee you can live. Wait! - I've never been much of an athlete...let's play "Scrabble" for my life instead. - How much time are you allowed for your turn? I'll see you in August, bone boy.
sh068c -- Let's go see the new Alfred Hitchcock movie. How could there be a "new" Hitchcock movie? It's some kind of a sequel. - ALFRED HITCHCOCK presents THE FISH
sh069a -- A home video? "Dogbert versus Godzilla." We'll use Bob the dinosaur as Godzilla and you can be Raymond Burr! - Shouldn't Godzilla get top billing? Quiet on the set!! Dogbert is letting me be the "key grip." Darn! All I got was the Raymond Burr
sh069a -- role. - In this first scene, Bob, you rip the arms off the "Ken" doll while Barbie and Skipper watch in horror. - Dilbert, you'll be eating a cheeseburger and the shock waves will cause you to smoosh it into your face. - Then I come in and
sh069a -- waste both of you with a fire extinguisher. Raymond Burr dies? What, no sequel?
sh070a -- Happy Airline I'm sorry, Sir, but you've been "bumped." WHAT?! - I've got a ticket! I demand satisfaction! I'll call the president of your stupid company!! - I wonder if there's really such a thing as the "duct tape section."
sh070b -- DING DONG Must be your blind date. I'll let her in. - How's she look? Well, you could say she's a full-bodied individual. - You mean she's a little overweight? I mean sherpas have established a base camp on her ankles.
sh070c -- You're saying my blind date is a tad on the large side...? - I'm saying her family portrait was taken by "Voyager II." Funny. - I'd better not keep her waiting at the door. Do not anger "Jabba the Date."
sh071a -- Dilbert greets his blind date This is the biggest woman I've ever seen. Uh...hi. - I have only one chance of financially surviving dinner. Hi - Say...why don't we go to the "All-You-Can-Eat House of Starch and Pasta"? Can't...banned for life.
sh071b -- I will *never* go on another blind date. - So, Jabba...er...I mean, Janety, have you dated many other men? - Yes, but they all disappeared without a trace. Incidentally, you look delicious tonight.
sh071c -- Y-y--ou m-m-mean *all* of your ex-boyfriends disappeared without a trace? - Yeah. It's the strangest thing... Good lord, she must have eaten them!! - ...so while she was sucking the cheese-cake off the dessert cart, I dove out the window.
sh072a -- Sometimes I dream of a kinder world... Trouble... - A world where all creatures live in peace and harmony... - Where nobody pursues retribution for some tiny little misdeed. Big trouble. - Where bygones are bygones...forgive and forget... -
sh072a -- STOP IT! STOP IT! PLEASE JUST TELL ME WHAT HORRIBLE THING YOU'VE DONE! - You know, studies have shown that people with pets live happier, less stressful lives. AAAAAEEE!!
sh073a -- Excuse me...Sir? - I'm trying to paint this view. Would you mind not walking right in front of me? - Oops. Sorry. It's already too late.
sh073b -- Remember, one of your duties as dog is to guard the house. - That might entail ripping intruders to bits with your teeth...or taking a bullet for me. - Boy, all that and I get to drink out of the toilet too.
sh073c -- I've got to make the engineering newsletter more interesting. - It needs pathos and human drama. - "How to cope with the loss of the loved data..." Wait...I better get some tissues.
sh074a -- When I was a kid I threw spitballs at girls to show I liked them. - Now I just grovel and beg for dates. - Frankly, the old way was more satisfying.
sh074b -- Burger Queen 99c Special Only 99c?!! Ha ha ha!! Give me ten thousand of them! For *here*!! -These lottery winners are really starting to bug me.
sh074c -- What I look for first in a man is honesty. - Okay...I'd like to skip this boring conversation and go smooch. - I didn't mean honesty about relevant things.
sh075a -- The secrets of the universe will be revealed if you meditate. - Can't you just tell me the secrets? - To meditate you must clear your mind of all thoughts. If I have no thoughts how will I know if I'm meditating? - And how do I come out of it?
sh075a -- I won't be able to think about stopping. - And shouldn't stupid people be the best mediators of all? - Perhaps you are not ready. Perhaps you should spend more time with some thoughts.
sh076a -- Did you hear that the tiny east European country of Elbonia has abandoned communism? Whoa! Big changes ahead. - Elbonia: Monday Mud Farm - Elbonia: Tuesday My Mud Farm My Tree My Pig My Feet
sh076b -- Dilbert, I'm sending you to Elbonia to open our new subsidiary. Elbonia? - But they only renounced communism last week!! They don't understand capitalism or economics. They have no appreciation of the real life. - ...he thinks they'll make fine
sh076b -- engineers.
sh076c -- Dilbert arrives at the ex-communist country of Elbonia. I need a flight to your capital. - For a moment I was worried that this backward little country wouldn't have a commuter flight. - I hate living near the airport.
sh077a -- Dilbert takes a slingshot ride to Elbonia's capital. There it is... - SPLUNK It's a good thing this whole country is made of mud. - I have come to teach you capitalism. Did you bring blue jeans?
sh077b -- How do we know you came to Elbonia just to teach us capitalism? - Yeah...maybe you came to steal our secret process for making mud!! Dirt and water? - He knows... We'll have to kill him.
sh077c -- The basic problem with your economy is that the only product you make is mud... So? - Nobody needs mud. Who the heck is in charge of planning this economy, anyway? -
sh078a -- Oh no, it's Helena. I had a bizarre dream about her last night. Hi, Dilbert. - I'm always afraid that somehow people know when they've been in my dream. Gee...seeing you reminds me of something...but I can't quite put my finger on it... -
sh078a -- Hmm...it was something bizarre. She knows. - Stop it! Stop it! I'm sorry I made you wear a cheerleading outfit and glue miniature horses to the couch!! - There - it's out. The pressure is lifted...I can live again... Oh no, I remember--I was
sh078a -- wondering why you've never been married. But now I understand.
sh079a -- The first thing you Elbonians must understand about capitalism is the incentive system. - If you're willing to work twelve hours a day, eventually the guy who owns your factory will get rich. - Am I missing something here? Then you guys get to
sh079a -- watch great TV shows based on the millionaire's life!
sh079b -- My trip to Elbonia was a complete success. - I opened our subsidiary, taught capitalism to the locals and showed them how to make computer chips out of sand. - Oh great...now they will become an industrial giant and compete against us. Don't
sh079b -- worry. I also taught them other management techniques.
sh079c -- What's wrong, Bob? I can't deny my feelings anymore. - Not the roof again! I have to tell people. - I CAN'T TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN TOM BROKAW AND PETER JENNINGS!!!
sh080a -- What's this business of you climbing on the roof and shouting when I'm at work? - Sorry. We dinosaurs have always been bad at concealing our feelings...in fact... - "Honesty caused the extinction of many early species." Don't let the spines
sh080a -- fool you; I'm great eating!
sh080b -- Are you saying dinosaurs are incapable of lying? Almost. - Dawn and I taught ourselves some simple lies for survival...we'll show you... - "I've never been tempted to eat the *National Enquirer*." "I only watch the news and some educational
sh080b -- programs."
sh080c -- Look, a lucky penny in the street... - SPLOOSH - A penny doesn't go as far as it used to.
sh081a -- I always get a warm, satisfied feeling right after paying my taxes. - Sure, it's a sacrifice... But my money goes to support vital public services. KNOCK KNOCK - We're the IRS mop-up crew. - We came to take your socks and shave sixty percent of
sh081a -- your dog. bzzzz - Remind me to adjust my withholdings for next year.
sh082a -- Loose thread. - I can't remember if it's better to cut these or just yank on them. - THOOP!
sh082b -- Dogbert, could you give me a hand? "Paw" - I pulled a loose thread on my shirt and my head got sucked into my torso. - What should we do? This might be a good time for a family portrait.
sh082c -- After tugging a loose thread on his shirt... Do something. Hmm...head got sucked into torso, huh? - I'll try flattery... Your head will expand and pop right out... - Later ...and you are superior to mollusks in every way but looks... I felt
sh082c -- something that time.
sh083a -- Every single tissue box has a female design. - Men have noses too. This is sexist. I can't support this practice. - Sandpaper? I had to make a statement.
sh083b -- About 400 women turned me down for dates this year. - I can only conclude one thing... - Not enough quality women. Sadly.
sh083c -- It's one of those days my brain feels lazy. - I'd better avoid any mental stimulation. - It's times like this I really appreciate knowing you. Thank you.
sh084a -- The great thing about adult males is that they've become immune to verbal abuse. Adult females may have something to do with it. - Hey, you grotesque pile of petrified cat spittle... Hi, Dogbert. - Is that your head, or has some kind of zucchini
sh084a -- sprouted from your torso? - Would you like to join me for some chocolate cake? - If brains were beans, you wouldn't have enough to make a bee burp. - Hey! We don't insult bees in this house!
sh085a -- ...So then I sez to my boss, "you can just stuff this stupid project..." - Then I sez, "let's see *you* do this job." And I sez, "I should get a raise." I gotta go. - The more they sez "Isez," the less likely it is they really said what they
sh085a -- sez they said.
sh085b -- Ahem... I think I'll call my stock broker... I'm an investor, you know. Ooh...I'm impressed. - What? No profits yet? I'll call back in an hour. - I wonder if this is a bad time to be in chocolate coins.
sh085c -- You dinosaurs have probably never seen a computer. - This makes me so efficient I can save hours every day. What do you do with all the spare time? - I work on the computer. Wow! Then you can save even more time!
sh086a -- You know, Bob, I always pictured you dinosaurs as...uh...much bigger. - Ah, well, you see, practical jokes were very popular in the mesozoic era... - Wroopee cushions in stock Ooh-ooh! Give me the giant plastic bone and one fake vomit! Shall I
sh086a -- wrap them or just toss them in the tar pits?
sh086b -- Tired of being teased because of thinning nose hair? - Get the "Rivco Nose Toupee" for only $9.95! - It's totally undetectable.
sh086c -- Here's a picture of uncle Tim before he got lost and froze to death camping. - Didn't he have a compass? His diary said it got jammed. - Just great... I need south and all I get is north, north, north.
sh087a -- My credit card has been cancelled. The stupid bank's computer thinks I died. - This is an opportunity for some righteous indignation. I love that. - Hello, credit card department, an underpaid employee speaking. - Well, yes, apparently you are
sh087a -- alive. But it would be very difficult to reprogram the computer... - I'm sure you'll find a solution. - Kill him? Unless you'd *rather* read this computer manual.
sh088a -- Uh-oh! I'm being sucked into my own computer program! - I've always feared this... - Hi, I'm Michael--Michael Chip. Cover charge is two bits. ...get it?
sh088b -- Dilbert gets sucked into his computer You...you're a microchip... I am. C'mon in and have some coffee. - Chips drink coffee? Gallons. It keeps us fast. - Doesn't that make you irritable with the other microchips? Not since I killed them all.
sh088c -- Let me show you around the inside of your computer. Neat! - Here's where we generate the hypnotic signals for your display screen. Why? - To make you think you need more computers. Good Lord, you've learned to reproduce!
sh089a -- A microchip gives Dilbert the tour inside his computer ...so you see, it's mostly a trick... - We've been sending you subliminal hypnotic suggestions through the video display for years. Like what? - Goofy stuff, like "computers are fun" and
sh089a -- "put all of your pens in your shirt pocket."
sh089b -- ...after you leave you will not remember being inside your computer talking to a microchip. - You will purchase worthless computer upgrades and argue that it saves money in the long run. - It's a static byte dwinkelizer...a necessity really.
sh089c -- Hear about the new guy? He's from *New York*. Gulp HERE HE COMES! - AAGH! AAAEEEE!! - Well, I suppose I could hunt them down and kill them one by one.
sh090a -- Hey dog! What's the quickest way to go to the hospital? - Drive as fast as you can into that tree. - What's the second quickest way? - Hmm...well, go left, then right, right, left, left, left, right, left, left, left, left. - Thanks! -
sh090a -- Actually, I have no idea how to get to the hospital... - But I didn't want him to think I'm a jerk.
sh091a -- in out Hey! Big guy, how are ya! - out HOW'S THE FAMILY? YOU LOOK GREAT... NICE WEATHER, HUH? - I hate outgoing mail. DO YOU FISH?
sh091b -- I've noticed that all the cool guys use gentle kidding with women. Women must like it - Excuse me, Miss, does your face hurt? It's killing me! Giggle Giggle Snort - The cool guys must hate it when this happens to them.
sh091c -- Apparently you ignored my advice and got no exercise. - But you're in perfect health, which really annoys me professionally. - I'm prescribing two packs of cigarettes per day...don't cross me again.
sh092a -- I read that half of all teenagers can't locate this country on a map. - One frustrated teacher handed out maps labeled "you are here." - She spent the rest of the year trying to explain why the "X" doesn't move when you drive around.
sh092b -- Dogbert, have you been bored lately? Yeah, why? - I found this teeny-tiny little sweater knitted out of dental floss. Oh. - This is very bizarre. I didn't use a pattern.
sh092c -- Dilbert presents BAD HABITS FROM A PARALLEL UNIVERSE! - Table for phleem? Yes. In the "no slapping yourself with a sea bass" section. - slap slap slap slap Great, one table away... Do you ever wonder about the first person to try that habit?
sh093a -- DILBERT SPECIAL! Bob the dinosaur will rip the underpants off guys we hate! Example rrrip! - Case#1 ...bought my first house for 74 cents. Sold it a year later for $400,000... - AAEEEE!! Now he drives a "beemer." - Case #2 It's a great movie.
sh093a -- You'll be surprised when you find out the parakeet is the murderer. - AAAEEE!! I love surprises! - Case #3 Wait here and I'll try to convince my boss to sell the car at your price. - AAAEEE!! He's on your side! - Finally... Only an idiot would
sh093a -- think computers are confusing.
sh094a -- I've decided to become an ambush reporter, like Mike Wallace. - Is it true you made all of your money unethically and you're having an affair? - YES!! YES!! HOW DID YOU FIND ME?! You were chosen randomly.
sh094b -- Dogbert the ambush reporter looks for another victim. - Is it true you have often fantasized about marrying a rich guy and ditching your career? - YES!!! YES!!! AND I...I...SECRETLY LEARNED TO *COOK*!! Is that *yarn* sticking out of your
sh094b -- briefcase?!!
sh094c -- I never realized that being an "ambush reporter" could be so much fun. - Is it true you used steroids to gain your massive size? - NO! I SWEAR! I JUST USE THIS LITTLE AM RADIO. I DON'T EVEN OWN A STEROID SYSTEM!
sh095a -- Just a moment, little girl. I'm Dogbert, the ambush reporter. - Is it true that you *pretend* to be cute in order to *manipulate* adults!! - sniff sniff Oh, hey, wait... I'm just kidding. Can I buy you something expensive?
sh095b -- Excuse me, young man. May I ask you some probing and embarrassing questions? - Is it true that you spend a great deal of time contemplating the effects of firecrackers on investigative reporters?!! - I'll bet this hasn't happened to Mike
sh095b -- Wallace even once.
sh095c -- I wonder if Dogbert is enjoying his sky diving lessons. CRASH WHUMP!! - Boy...no wonder they only charge six bucks.
sh096a -- How's it look, Doc? You came in just in tie. - I'm way behind in my alimony payments. I'll have to do some unnecessary surgery on you. - You have a fair number of redundant organs. - Two lungs...two kidneys...large *and* small intestines... -
sh096a -- And I'm sure you aren't taking full advantage of you pancreas. - I find that humor helps my patients relax.
sh097a -- ...So, would you like to meet after work and go to dinner? What kind of car do you drive? - Ugh! You women are all so shallow!! It should not make any difference what kind of car I drive!! - Except that it will help me find you in the parking
sh097a -- lot... But you could just stand on top of it and thump your mighty chest.
sh097b -- I can't believe she agreed to have dinner with me. - I'm afraid to say anything to spoil this moment... - I guess I should say something to break the ice. Did I mention that I'm a witch?
sh097c -- Thanks for asking me out. Most guys get scared when they find out I'm a practicing witch. - Then they say something I don't like and I end up turning them into lawn ornaments. - That's awful! Tell me about it...you can't believe how tacky my
sh097c -- lawn is now.
sh098a -- So...uh...why did you decide to take up witchcraft? It comes in handy. - For example, suppose I want to get rid of this annoying fly here. - Now be a luv...
sh098b -- You're back early. How was your date? - Not so good...she's a witch...turned me into a frog. - Oooh! When I think about it I just get so...so... Hopping mad?
sh098c -- Dogbert, I need you help. Check my computer to see if there is any way to reverse the spell and make me human! - Hmm... "The only way to reverse a 'Frog Spell' is a kiss from a dog or a princess..." - What'd it say?!! Gargle. You're gonna visit
sh098c -- Lady Di.
sh099a -- Plans for the corporate takeover are complete. What corporate takeover? - It's a hostile bid for control of the Meowco Cat Food Company. - When I become CEO, I'll order them to add a hairball to every can of cat food. heh heh - That is cruel
sh099a -- and senseless. I'm thoroughly ashamed of you. - Gee...it seems so much more efficient than hassling one cat at a time.
sh100a -- Hello...Buckingham Palace? I was wondering if the princess would be willing to kiss a frog and remove a witch's curse for us. - Oh...Lady Di does not kiss little hideous creatures... - That must be mighty awkward at family reunions...Hello?
sh100b -- Dilbert needs a kiss from a princess to remove the frog curse. It's hopeless... - There's one chance, but we'll need some props. - You seriously think this will fool Lady Di? I'd wait until she's had a few Margaritas
sh100c -- Note: Some new readers of this strip may be confused by the presence of a character who looks very much like a potato. The following comparison should clear things up: - Dilbert (turned into a frog and disguised as Price Charles). A potato - A
sh100c -- handy rule for the telling which one is a potato is the look for the presence of glasses. Although potatoes do have eyes, they are known to be vain and generally prefer contact lenses. Keep this reference guide with you.
sh101a -- By now Dilbert should have infiltrated Buckingham Palace. - One kiss from the princess and his "frog curse" will be lifted... I just hope his disguise works... - Charlie, why does your breath smell like flies? Uh...I had lunch with a common
sh101a -- person today...
sh101b -- I'm just a one-woman kind of guy. - Some guys like to play the field. Not me. I'm happy with just one woman. - Just one. Uno. That's best for me. You can take her for rides in the Space Shuttle you'll never have either.
sh101c -- Your new project will be *vital* to the performance of the company! Uh-oh - The more he talks it up the stupider the project must be. ...high visibility, a chance to excel and be noticed! - In fact, I stand to salute you for the job you will be
sh101c -- doing! You're what makes this country great!! Does this have anything to do with the janitors' strike?
sh102a -- Why do people collect stamps? Because they're valuable. - Why are they valuable? - Because people collect up all the good ones. - So, you collect stamps because they're valuable, and they're valuable because you collect them. Right. Sounds
sh102a -- pretty fulfilling. To be honest, I just do it for the adrenaline rush.
sh103a -- I'm going to form a personality cult to honor me. - I'll take everybody's money and make them wear bathrobes with my picture on the back. - Wouldn't it be cheaper to brand them and let them run naked? As a rule, we're not talking about
sh103a -- attractive people here.
sh103b -- I'm hoping you will accept me in the Dogbert cult. You do have a strong resume... - Looks like you've been fleeced by several spiritual leaders already. - I think that demonstrates a complete absence of independent thought. Can you chant?
sh103c -- We heard you're forming a cult. Can we join? Hmm... - Yeah... I could use some enforcers to help me conceal the hideous and cynical nature of my organization. You're in... - YES! WE MADE IT! Bob, should we ask about the hideous part?
sh104a -- Bob and Dawn join Dogbert's cult. You two are in charge of security. - Your job is to neutralize anybody who questions my motives. Actually, we have some questions of our own... - Or should we just neutralize ourselves? Make it look like an
sh104a -- accident.
sh104b -- Um...Dilbert, could we get your advice? - We just Dogbert's new cult. And he ordered us to kill each other for questioning him. - Hmm...maybe you could shove each other in front of trucks.
sh104c -- How did we ever allow ourselves to be drawn into Dogbert's evil cult? - Maybe he has strange hypnotic powers. Maybe we were mesmerized by his oratorical skill. - It says here you have brains the size of a walnut What's your point?
sh105a -- This is a very interesting employee question. Thank you, Sir. - If I read this correctly... - You observed that everybody is smarter than his boss... - Exactly... So we all just switch jobs with our bosses and boost productivity by 200%!! -
sh105a -- I've decided to do a limited trial... Something died in the stairwell. Take care of it.
sh106a -- I have a plan to deprogram you from the control of Dogbert's cult. - My theory is that the brain reflexively embraces the most ridiculous explanation of reality. - So, we just have to think of something more ridiculous than following a dog's
sh106a -- commands. Like listening to you?
sh106b -- Dogbert, we've come to resign from your cult. You can't push us around anymore. - Resign?!! Ha! You're unworthy! I kick you out. The cult doesn't need your type! - NOOO!!! TAKE US BACK!!! PLEASE!!! - I think this explains why dinosaurs don't
sh106b -- rule the earth.
sh106c -- I think you've taken your cult idea too far. Who says it's a cult? - *You* said it's a cult! That word has a bad connotation. - I prefer to think of it as a bunch of morons who have nothing better to do with their lives.
sh107a -- Today on "Geraldo" our entire show is about a dog who started his own cult! - Actually, Geraldo, I don't know what you're talking about. - I love live television.
sh107b -- I'm dissolving the cult. You two are free to do as you please. - WE'RE FREE! WE'RE FREE! - Boy...you don't know ugly 'til you've seen dinosaurs dance.
sh107c -- One more clever move and I will have written the perfect computer program. - YES! Spike it in the end zone! - Another failure of the sports metaphor.
sh108a -- I programmed my computer to analyze any situation and predict the female response. - I should clarify a few things. - I'll type in "watch sad movie." - Result: crying. - Now I'll try "receive flowers." Result: crying. - Let's try "date with
sh108a -- Dilbert." Result: crying. Boy, the truth gets vicious when you corner it.
sh109a -- FREEZE!!! I'M A DOG CATCHER! - What, no collar? You're going to the puppy penitentiary, pal! - Your human turned you in? He didn't think a pit bull should wear his hair this way.
sh109b -- No stupid dog pound can hold me for long. - Hey, Screq! Don't I get one phone call?! - Hello, is this the Big Ball Demolition Company? ...good, I have a rush job for you...
sh109c -- Don't worry, killer, I'll get us out of this pound by nightfall. How? - I used my one phone call to call a wrecking company to destroy this place. That sounds dangerous to me. - Coming up: A near-death experience or possibly just a stupid dream
sh109c -- sequence.
sh110a -- Uh-oh. That looks like my body on the ground. - I must be dead. And that light... It's beautiful... It must be *god*!! - Next: A really big let down. zzzzzz
sh110b -- Dogbert dreams of death I'm coming toward the light... - The light...it's so pure...so perfect...it could only be light of *god himself*!! - No. just new batteries. God does have a sense of humor? Of course! It explains everything.
sh110c -- I'm so embarrassed...I dreamed I died and saw the light of god... - I trust you will just let this incident pass without comment. - I COMMAND YOU TO BUILD AN ARK... grrrr...
sh111a -- Would you like to hold hands? We'd better not...my dog is around here someplace. - What's your dog got to do with everything? He's a bit prudish. He won't allow it in his house. - *His* house?! Ha ha ha! He's *your* dog! *You're* the master! -
sh111a -- Your dog is just a stupid hairball! And it must be a first-class wimp! Ha ha! - Ha ha ha! With my blessings.
sh112a -- This could be my most important technical achievement yet. I'll call it the "sonic obliterator." Hmm...catchy. - This baby can blast a buffalo into random particles in about half a nanosecond. - Of course, it might have limited application
sh112a -- around the house. At least the buffaloes will show us some respect.
sh112b -- May I play with your "Sonic Obliterator" invention? Sure. - Just be careful. It has a hair trigger and can blow a truck to bits. - You have to show them that you trust them. I'll be down at the post office truck yard.
sh112c -- On one hand, I know it's wrong to use Dilbert's invention to blow up these empty mail trucks. - On the other paw, this is gonna be more fun than sneezing on strangers. - It's a moral dilemma...but I like to think that difficult choices like
sh112c -- this build character. click
sh113a -- Our top story: a dog with glasses was seen blowing up empty mail trucks with some type of "sonic obliterator." - Much of the city is in ruins, as the dog blasted through buildings to escape police and national pursuit. - On the plus side, we
sh113a -- have a much better shortcut to the post office.
sh113b -- Just great...you've destroyed half of the city with my "sonic obliterator" invention... - You're being pursued by the police, FBI and national guard... I *trusted* you. Is there anything you'd like to say to me? - Oh, yeah, thank you very much
sh113b -- for letting me borrow the obliterator...it's been great...can I use it again tomorrow?
sh113c -- Looks like the police found your trail, Dogbert. You'd better hide. - We're looking for a dog who destroyed half of the city. Does this sketch look familiar? - Yeah...it's "Mister Potato Head"...or maybe "Ziggy." We gotta get a better artist.
sh114a -- We're so glad you guys could stop by. thanks for inviting us. We hardly know them. - I'd offer some coffee, but that would be a bother. Uh. None for me. Thanks. - I noticed you didn't bring any food as a courtesy to your hosts. I guess we'll eat
sh114a -- when you leave. - We usually watch television now, but I'll try not to appear bitter about your visit. - Why haven't we done this sooner? We thought you were scum?
sh115a -- Here's a "help wanted" ad for a babysitter. - I could do that. Kids love dinosaurs. One problem. - Your species is known to be carnivorous. I'll put "strict disciplinarian" on my resume.
sh115b -- Hi. I'm Bob. I called earlier about the babysitting job. - To be honest, we didn't know you were a dinosaur when you called... - That's okay. I didn't know you were yuppie bigots.
sh115c -- ...we should at least interview him. Nobody else even answered our ad for a babysitter. - Frankly, Bob, we're concerned that you might try to eat the children. - Well, of course, in that case there would be no charge for the evening. He's more
sh115c -- than fair.
sh116a -- Before we hire you as our babysitter, we want to test how a dinosaur like you would respond to a variety of emergency scenarios. - What if there's a fire? Dial 911. Burglary? Dial 911. Injury? Dial 911. Poisoning? Dial 911. - Giant asteroid
sh116a -- collides with earth and triggers an ice age? Oh, wow...I'm drawing a complete blank here...
sh116b --  - Boo! EEEK! - The good news is you'll handle better on corners...
sh116c -- ...and the doctor says it's all in your mind. - Your ears will return to normal when you forgive me for scaring you yesterday. - Nothing inspires forgiveness quite like revenge.
sh117a -- WHAT IF PEOPLE HAD TAILS? - First of all, it would look darned silly. - Only the unobservant would loose at poker. He's bluffing. Control...don't wag... - Jury trials would be simpler. ...then I found my husband dead. - And parties would be
sh117a -- even more awkward. - That's when I learned that if you drive a Porsche, you should never make fun of a man on a steamroller. Tragic...really.
sh118a -- Hi. You must be the new secretary. Well, yes and no... - Granted, I'm temporarily being paid for performing secretary-like duties. But I'm really an author, a Jazz pianist and a thespian. I have a Ph.D. in psychology. - Sounds like a little
sh118a -- crisis with the ol' self-image. And a gourmet chef...
sh118b -- Dilbert, I'm putting you in charge of the department secretary. - See if you can get him to cut down on the personal phone calls. - ...just be a little more discreet...for example, try *not* wearing the traditional costume of the countries
sh118b -- you're calling.
sh118c -- As your new supervisor, I want to discuss your career path. - You're a secretary now, but what do you want do be in two years? A famous actor... or maybe a doctor. - Uh...I don't think I can help you here... Oh, right, but you'll expect me to
sh118c -- work hard for you.
sh119a -- My boss asked me to supervise the department secretary. I don't really know how to manage people... - Try positive reinforcement. Praise the things he does right. Trust him to make the right choices. - I forgot to write down your messages, so I
sh119a -- just put a bunch of gibberish on little pieces of paper.
sh119b -- How's the new secretary for the department working out? - I think he's having a self-image problem. - Sure, I'm a secretary, but watch me crush this paper clip!!
sh119c -- Auto Service Just a quick question: is it necessary to change my oil... - ...or can I just keep letting it run dry and then add new oil? - AAAEEEEOO I think the answer is going to be "no" to that second option.
sh120a -- Thank you all for coming to IRV Klepfurd's Retirement Celebration. - Many of you know that IRV has been pilfering office supplies for his entire career. - In fact, he's only retiring now because he finished construction of his garage made
sh120a -- entirely of paper clips. - This bill is for $87,000 of personal phone calls made from the office. - Instead of a gold watch, I'm going to write the current time on this yellow sticky pad and slap it on his forehead. - SLAP! - Now...I understand
sh120a -- we have some birthdays today...
sh121a -- Prehistoric Dilbert... What is it? - I call it "The Wheel." -
sh121b -- I'm feeling timid today... I felt timid yesterday too... - Holy cheese! I may be a timid person. - I've decided to build a blanket fort with the living room furniture and live in it forever. I'm so proud of you.
sh121c -- I like a man who makes eye contact. - Oh no...uncontrollable urge to look away... I've got to blink about twenty times. Why did she have to bring that up? - AAEEEEII!! GASP* blink blink blink blink blink blink I love doing that.
sh122a -- We can no longer compete against the Japanese with their technology advantages. - So we're sending you to Japan on an employee exchange program. - To learn their technology and bring it back here? Just do for them what you've done for us.
sh122b -- People catch worms to go fishing. - People eat fish that just ate worms. - There is definitely a wasted step here.
sh122c -- I've taken the liberty of calculating a twenty-percent tip. - It's written on the back next to a picture of a smiling diner...a fifteen percent tip is shown by the picture of a guilty-looking diner. - Below that is a picture of a diner and his
sh122c -- dog with salad forks in their backs...
sh123a --  - HOLY HAIRBALLS! WHAT ARE YOU?!! - I am the "dust bunny," an emerging cultural icon. - Once a year I come to every home and hide clumps of dust under furniture and major appliances. - You must honor me by decorating closet doors and singing
sh123a -- dust hymns. - What about gifts? Do I get any gifts out of this? - No. The dust bunny symbolizes only love, goodwill and very poor housekeeping. - I know, it seems harsh, but you have to nip these things in the bud. Okay, gifts!
sh124a -- Here we have a lab rat, specially bred to be susceptible to peer pressure. - How about a Brewski? I don't drink. All the cool rats drink beer. Okay. - Of course, there's more to science than just hurting animals, but frankly it's the part I
sh124a -- like best.
sh124b -- Doc, we have to talk. - Everyday you feed me over a hundred pounds of macaroni and cheese...at first I thought you were just being a good host. - But lately I've been thinking it could be something far more sinister. Macaroni and cheese causes
sh124b -- paranoia...
sh124c -- Lab I hate my life. - If I eat one more ton of macaroni and cheese I think I'll die... Of course, that may be the point. - Tonight I'm going "over the wall." Wait...I'm a rat...I'll go *through* the wall.
sh125a -- What's that noise? skritch skritch skritch - It sounds like a rat, escaped from a nearby laboratory, chewing a hole through our front door to avoid sure death from a hideous macaroni-and-cheese experiment. - That's amazing. These babies aren't
sh125a -- just for good looks, you know.
sh125b -- Greetings, dog. I've come to live in your house and escape from my job at the laboratory. - You could think of me as a political exile seeking sanctuary in a friendly embassy. - I could think of you as a rat. Okay, but I don't expect any
sh125b -- special treatment.
sh125c -- I wasn't getting any respect at the lab...I felt used. - Sure...the food was good - and *lots* of it...but I don't think the professor valued me as an individual. - And a rat without respect is like...like... Like you.
sh126a -- - Greetings, Dogbert, I am the god of thunder. Yip! - I am Thor!! - Take some Aspirin. - We're looking for some new norse gods to update our image. Your name came up. - It's the same way I got started. I worked my way up from God of static
sh126a -- cling. - Hmm..."God of Velcro" looks interesting. - Don't laugh. I put your name in for god of mayonnaise.
sh127a -- Dilbert, this is a rat. Rat, this is Dilbert. I've come to live here! - How lucky for us. We were just saying how much we needed a plague-carrying vermin to round out the household. - He doesn't have much of a personality... I usually drown him
sh127a -- out with the television.
sh127b -- I you're going to live here, you need a name. How about "Mickey"? - No...big trouble. How about "Rodney the Rodent"? How about "Bill the Rat"? - "Vernon the Vermin"? "Ratbert"
sh127c -- Let me introduce you to our dinosaurs, Bob and Dawn. Cool! - EEEEK!! A MOUSE! Not a mouse, a rat!! - Ooops. Sorry. You look kinda like a mouse. No offense taken.
sh128a -- Yes? I'm looking for my escaped lab rat. The trail leads to this house. - Can't you use just another rat? No. I'm on a very limited budget. - What will you do if he dies? CPR
sh128b -- Ahaa! There's my runaway lab rat! I'd recognize little XP-39C² anywhere! - All is forgiven. Come back to your job at the lab. I love you. - He was specially bred to have no will power. Hold me.
sh128c -- Goodbye, Dogbert. I must return to the lab with the professor. sniff That's stupid. - He says he loves me. That must be why he fed me so much. You're getting stupider. - I have to follow my heart. Mmm...love causes stupidity in lab rats.
921207 -- I've decided to use more humor in the workplace - experts say humor eases tension which is important in times when the workforce is being trimmed. - knock-knock Who's there? Not you anymore.
940105 -- We're flattening organization to eliminate levels and put everybody in a wide salary band. - Now instead of not getting a promotion you'll only not get a raise.- So, what job title do we use? You'll all be named Beverly.
940106 -- The boss's brain Hummm - Theoretically, if I cut costs enough we'll be profitable without selling any products. - How do they get the ink into these things?
951026 -- Wally and I have bet about why you assigned me to the same task as three other people. - I believe it's a clever ploy to create healthy internal competition. Wally thinks you're just dumber than the average cauliflower. - May I point
951026 -- out that cauliflower is the brain of the fruit kingdom. Yes!
951027 -- Three other people asked for that same information. You must be on redundant projects. - Here's a big binder which at first glance seems useful, but you'll realize later it's not. - I've got a few more useless binders. Do you want 'em?
951027 -- Sure. I'm using them to build an addition to my cubicle.
951028 -- It looks somebody is using binders to illegally increase the size of his cubicle. - You think status will increase with your cubicle size, don't you! Well it won't work! - Here's a raise. I don't know why. Psst. Is he seeing anybody? rrrr
951029 -- Helen, do you have any staples in the supply cabinet? - No, I only stock the basics: cheap pens with green ink, big jars of glue and ribbons for obsolete printers. - Could you order some staples? You need to give me the order number.
951029 -- Okay. Can I see your supply catalog? Wally borrowed it. - rrring I'd better get that; it might be personal. sob - Wally, do you have the... I need your help with this. Pull up a chair. - I need both of you to come talk to a vendor that
951029 -- we'll never use. - Thanks to technology, I almost stapled something today. I'm so proud to know you.
951030 -- Headquarters: Hey, Chuck's looking unhappy today. What's the problem, big guy? - All of my bad decisions are catching up on me. Could we do another reorg to cover my tracks? Yeah, I've got some bodies to bury, too. - "..These changes will
951030 -- allow us to focus on our core business." Whoa! Let me get my reorg boots.
951031 -- I don't understand how the new reorganization will help us "focus on our core business." Did our core business change? Or are you saying that *every* reorg prior to this was a misdirected failure? - Wally, when a car gets a flat tire,
951031 -- do you do? Well, if I'm you, I rotate the tires and drive home.
951101 -- Guess what, Wally. What sadistic plot has H.R. come up with now, Catbert? - We're giving you a real plus a "dotted line" to another boss who has different objectives. - The status reports alone will take forty hours a week. I'm gonna
951101 -- staple myself to death.
951102 -- I heard you got assigned on a "dotted line" to out boss' archival. Groan - Look on the bright side. Think of yourself as leading the exciting life of a secret double-agent! - Don't most double-agents get captured and executed immediately?
951102 -- They *wish* it was immediate.
951103 -- The "Dogbert Corporate Art Source" will provide low-cost paintings for your walls. - Our motto is "if it's in a frame, it will look like art of you." - How much do the paintings cost? Six dollars a pound.
951104 -- How did you get the contract to supply our company with wall art? Low bid. - As we speak, my assistant is scouring the earth in search of low-cost art. - "School-o-Art" I'll take it!!
951105 -- I worked all night but I finished the presentation package you wanted. - Put the presentation date on each page. - Those are color transparencies. It would take hours and cost hundreds of dollars to reprint them. - There's no reason to date
951105 -- them.  In fact, it would limit future use and clutter the page. - But since you're incapable of admitting error... - I eagerly await your bizarre, other-worldly explanation for putting the date on each page. - Some people might not have
951105 -- calendars, and we have to make sure it's not holiday. BAM! - Ouch. My brain exploded. The first presentation is February 30th...
951106 -- I've come to be your personal digital assistant. - Use the little pen to write messages on my stomach. I'll use state-of-the-rat technology to interpret your handwriting. - Weave...me...a...cone...yoo...cupid...bat...
951107 -- Why are you putting a sign on the coffee maker? - It's an ISO9000 requirement. Everything must be clearly labeled. There can be no exceptions. That's stupid. - Believe me, I don't like it any more than you do. (stupid label guy)
951108 -- The project status is "yellow light." - In user tests we found that the product locks up every twelve seconds. The interface is incomprehensible and the manual is pure fiction. - I think it's clear what we need to do... Ship it and hope
951108 -- somebody writes a "dummies" book about it?
951109 -- Saint Dogbert enters the land of cubicles searching for the demons of stupidity. - Suddenly he finds an over-promoted computer guru spouting useless database concepts. You'd be fools to ignore the boolean anti-binary-least-square approach -
951109 -- The monster is dispatched to the dark world by the sight of its most feared object.  Look! Actual code! sssssss Cool!
951110 -- How long will it take to fix any problems we find in our beta product? - It is logically impossible to schedule for the unknown. - Try to think as a manager, not as an engineer. In that case, we'll fix the problems before we find them.
951111 -- The next transparency is an incomprehensible jumble of complexity and undefined acronyms. - You might wonder why I'm going to show it to you since the only possible result is to lower your opinion of my communication skills. - Frankly, it's
951111 -- because I like making complex pictures more than I like you.
951112 -- Mister Catbert will explain our new "total compensation plan" for excellence. - We no longer view compensation in the narrow terms of salary alone. - Danger! Danger! - If employee benefits go up, then salaries can go down and it all balances
951112 -- out. - For example, did you know you could lower your blood pressure by rubbing my soft, furry belly? - It might be a trick! What's the worst thing that could happen? - HA HA HA!!! Its a health benefit! Now I'll cut everybody's salary! - I've
951112 -- noticed the more health benefits I get, the worse I feel.
951113 -- Our goal is to write bug-free software. I'll pay a ten-dollar bonus for every bug you find and fix. - YAHOO! We're rich! Yes!!! Yes!!! Yes!!! - I hope this drives the right behavior. I'm gonna write me a new minivan this afternoon!
951114 -- The company pays me ten dollars for every bug I fix in my code, Ratbert. - I want you to do your little rat dance on my keyboard so I'll have lots of bugs to fix. - How am I doing? Not so good. You just authored a web browser.
951115 -- My accomplishments this week is that I've become an agent of change. - I foster and reward those behaviors that contribute to a culture of teamwork. - I've become slightly more cynical. Keep up the good work, buddy. (Pat Pat)
951116 -- I used to write programs using punch cards...but I'd be rather be fishing... - Look, you bearded road apple, if you answer one more of my questions with an irrelevant story I'll snap you into next week! - Sometime next week... Looks like a hole
951116 -- in the space-time continuum. Did you hear a snap?
951117 -- I think we should build an SQL database. Uh-Oh - Does he understand what he said or is it something he saw in a trade magazine ad? - What color do you want that database? I think mauve has the most RAM.
951118 -- From now on I'm going to be more proactive. - YOU'RE FIRED!! - For what?? I don't know yet. That's the problem with being proactive.
951119 -- We need to ship the V-1 product tomorrow. I promised our CEO he can say it at the shareholder meeting. - That's two months early!! We haven't added any features yet!! - What would we ship? Our lab prototype is the only V-1 in in existence!
951119 -- NO...YOU WOULDN'T! - I've scheduled press tours so you can do demos all next week. OH WHAT!! - We'll need twenty thousand dollars to build another prototype! - That reminds me; I froze the budget for the rest of the year. - If there's anything
951119 -- you'd like me to do, don't hesitate to ask. Yeah, I'd like you to do something... - Ooh...I think I should have hesitated to ask that.
951120 -- Dogbert the consultant: I recommend that you reorganize to strengthen the core competency of your company. - As luck would have it, your core competency is "giving money to consultants." - I don't think that's the *only* thing we're good
951120 -- at. - It depends on if you count "whining."
951121 -- My consulting partner, Ratbert, will demonstrate how to inform employees that their jobs will be outsourced. - You're history, scram. - How do I get them all stooped over? I recommend a program of very bad ergonomics.
951122 -- This new policy of keeping our keyboards on the floor is ridiculous! - The only possible explanation is to make us all stooped over so it's easier for management to kick our behinds! Ha Ha Ha!! Ha Ha Ha! - Wait a minute...that is the *only*
951122 -- explanation. Cover me; I'm going to the printer.
951123 -- The company has decided to outsource all of the functions that we're not any good at. - Yipee! Yay! - When's your last day? Uh-oh...They're not good at knowing what they're not good at...
951124 -- I don't understand why some people wash their bath towels. - When I get out of the shower I'm the cleanest object in house. In theory, those towels should be getting cleaner every time they touch me. - Maybe I could hug you every day so I
951124 -- don't need to take showers. Are towels supposed to bend?
951125 -- I've gotta run to the post office. - You go to the post office every day. Are you aware that you can buy more than one stamp at a time? - Apparently you don't understand the concept of "float."
951126 -- The clever Salesman evaluates his prey. Badge (Visitors sign in) - I hope he's an important decision-maker. - Take any seat. I call the good chair. Warning! Cubicle! Low-Ranking employee! - Here's our organization chart: President...Senior
951126 -- Vice President...Vice President... - Okay, lift your foot. Do you see that coffee stain on the carpet? That's you? - No That's my boss. I would be under the carpet. - Do I have any hope of talking to somebody who can make a decision? Let me
951126 -- check. - Hey, Wally. What's a "decision"? It sounds like something our competitors do. (Sob)
951127 -- My password for the network isn't working. Fill out a help request online. - I can't get online because my password doesn't work... Send me an E-Mail message about it. - I CAN'T SEND E-MAIL BECAUSE I CAN'T GET ON THE STINKIN' NETWORK!!!
951127 -- Geez, you're worthless...
951128 -- does human resources offer any treatment programs for people with dysfunctional internet connections? - I recommend the "yarn therapy." You'll be wrapped in a huge ball of yarn and used as furniture in my office. - Is this like the famous
951128 -- "ropes" course where I learn to solve problems as part of a team? Exactly, except here you learn to be my couch.
951129 -- Alice, did you hear that Dilbert's network connection isn't working? Uh-oh - He is what we call a technology "have not." His competitiveness in the global economy will last as long as this french fry. So sad. - After lunch, I'm going to use
951129 -- something called "electronic mail." You can watch if you promise not to touch anything- Snork! Gulp
951130 -- We've been dating for a year now, Liz. There's something I'd like to do tonight... - There are some needs that I can't fulfill at work. I understand. - YES! YES! How long has your internet connection at work been broken?
951201 -- We just shipped our newest product. You folks in tech support will need to be trained so you can avoid any embarrassments. - We had a monk write the training material on a grain of rice. We could only afford one, so you'll have to share it. -
951201 -- To be honest, I'm not sure we had a real monk. He wrote everything in pig latin.
951202 -- Does your boss give you orders and later deny it? Do you get in trouble for doing what you're told? Yes - The "Dogbert Detective Agency" will videotape it all and embarrass your boss with proof! - What??! Why did you do this??! This is the
951202 -- happiest moment of my career. Lights!
951203 -- Working late again, huh, Alice? - Seventy hours a week... - Me too. Thank goodness for overtime pay! - Overtime pay? Allow me to explain. - Unlike you so-called "exempt" employees, my income increases if I work additional hours. - I'm
951203 -- pulling in seventy-five thousand a year, and half the time I just hide in the basement reading "fishing" magazine. - The only down side is that I don't get to enjoy the intellectual stimulation of my co-workers the way you do. - I don't
951203 -- know what I like better - deep sea fishing or cubicle fishing.
951204 -- On one hand, my company does use inferior technology in our products... - But on the other hand, I'm the most attractive female who has paid attention to you this year. - What kind of engineers do you think we are??! - Do you have pictures
951204 -- of your field support people?
951205 -- I can't believe you're recommending this lousy vendor just because the sales rep is gorgeous. - Here's a picture of Thor, their field engineer. - Does he really work without a shirt? Only if you buy the "Indian Chief" maintenance package.
951206 -- Your employees have recommended a vendor who has an attractive salesperson. - But the "Dogbert Technology Company" can provide you with a hardware solution for *half* the cost! I'll save the money! - What if I need to upgrade later? Is it
951206 -- expensive? I must have left that price sheet in my other fur.
951207 -- So, you ignored my recommendation and bought a low-cost system that's totally inadequate... - You compensated this blunder by making it part of *my* objectives to make the system work... - You'll get a bonus for saving money. I'll get fired,
951207 -- thus saving more money and earning you *another* bonus. I'm on a roll.
951208 -- It's funny - Before your company bought that critical system from me, *you* had all the power... - BUT NOW, ONLY *I* CAN PROVIDE ESSENTIAL UPGRADES!! *I* CALL THE SHOTS, YOU SIMPLE FOOL!! - Send in the next employee. At least we don't have any
951208 -- multi-vendor compatibility issues.
951209 -- It's inexplicable, but the low-cost system I sold you seems to be woefully underpowered. - You could replace it with another vendor's system, thus showing everybody you made a mistake. Or you can pay my outrageous upgrade fees. - How big a fool
951209 -- do you think I am? I won't know until I see if you go for the lease option.
951210 -- Hello, is this the "Help Desk"? - No, that group got reengineered out of existence. - I'm the new "No help whatsoever desk." My job is to make sure you never call again. - Can you tell me how to make a pie chart? - Crush your computer into
951210 -- small chunks, add flour and bake one hour. - While you're waiting, read the free novel we sent you. It's a Spanish story about a guy named "Manual." - Repeat the process until you get the desired result. - This has lost a *lot* in the
951210 -- translation.
951211 -- Send this by E-Mail. - Fax it, too, in case he doesn't check his E-Mail. And mail the original so he has a clean copy. - Goodbye "paperless," hello "clueless."
951212 -- It's status report time where each of you gets to prove what poor communicators you are while I act interested! - Remember to use lots of acronyms that only you understand. And speak in a whiny monotone that makes us all want to slap you! -
951212 -- I'm starting to lose my idealism.
951213 -- No, you fool. That modem will never fit your need. - The specs look okay. You're an idiot compared to me! Put that down! It's the wrong interface! The *wrong* interface!!! - Is he on commission? Yeah, he pays us a dollar per customer. rrrr
951214 -- Wait-a-minute... I'm starting to realize something. - My job is senior associate, yet I spend my time doing clerical work...and unless I'm mistaken, I'm the lowest paid employee. - Is this a bad time? AAAGH!! I'M A SECRETARY!
951215 -- I read somewhere that certain religions require their initiates to perform pointless never-ending tasks to rid them out of their egos. - - What now?
951216 -- When I conquer the world I'll have a secret handshake to identify the people who will be part of my new ruling class. - Cross your eyes and stick out your tongue. Good, now vigorously slap your face. - The people who aren't doing that will be
951216 -- identified as my new ruling class. SLAP!
951217 -- Alice, our records show that you haven't taken a vacation all year. - Company policy requires you to use your vacation days. - How?? You told me to work seven days a week to prepare the project for your boss's year-end review. - Do you want
951217 -- me to meet the artificial project target or the artificial vacation target? - HELLO!!! THESE ARE MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE GOALS!!! HELLOO!!! - Ooh...sorry. I usually just think that last part in silent frustration. - Moving right along... Kudos to
951217 -- Wally for using all of his vacation days ahead of schedule. - Get over it, Alice. We can't all be superstars.
951218 -- Our new slogan is "Everybody is in Sales." - Imagine all employees convinced their friends to buy our product, eventually... - ...We'd have no friends? What's this "friend" thing I keep hearing about?
951219 -- My company asked all employees to act as salespeople to friends and family. I think you could use this, Mom. - Why would I need a primary rate circuit? I've already got a frame relay drop to my web server in the sewing room. - This is going to
951219 -- be a tough sale. - Hello-o-o! Earth to Dilbert! This is packet data...
951220 -- Hey, what's Dogbert doing here? - This is "bring your dog to world day." - There's no such thing. - I'm through the security firewall and into the personnel records. We need to talk.
951221 -- It isn't ethical to hack into the payroll computer and give me a raise, Dogbert. - Not ethical?? Is it ethical for them to make you work seventy hours a week and only pay your for forty??!! - How about a five percent raise? Well, there's the
951221 -- issue of the quality of your work...
951222 -- Most business plans fail. Obviously, success is not a realistic goal. - But the people who manage most spectacular failures get promoted first because of their experience. - That is the most cynical thing I've ever heard in my life! Thanks. I'm
951222 -- blushing.
951223 -- On the advice of my dog, I'm asking for an additional ten million dollars for my project. - That will make a more spectacular failure, thus guaranteeing a promotion for me. As your boss, I'd get recognition too...okay. - Wow! Do you have any
951223 -- advice for me?! Breath mints.
951224 -- Happy Airlines - Vacation, here we come! click click click click - Why do they have to enter so much stuff in the computer? click click click click - They already have our reservation and seat assignment in there. What else do they need? click
951224 -- click click click - I'm developing a sudden fear of flying. Step aside. click click click click - WHAT'S GOING ON UP HERE??!! - Gate 13. Have a nice flight. Okay. - "They never saw their beloved luggage again. The misfits always regretted
951224 -- offending Tantra, the goddess of flight. The end."
951225 -- I got myself one of those "900" phone numbers. I make money every time somebody calls for my valuable advice. - RING RING RING RING RING RING - Do you ever answer it? Voice mail...get with the nineties.
951226 -- This is a living document. - AAAAH!! - Next time, just say you plan to update it. Mine's dead.
951227 -- Okay! This is one tidy little cubicle now! - The cleanliness one's work place is a sign of how much one enjoys one's job. - Give me the cleaner; It's my turn to fantasize that I'm a maid. Five more minutes...please.
951228 -- I declare myself "King Dogbert," the first ruler of the Internet!! - BOW BEFORE ME OR BE EXPELLED FROM THE KINGDOM FOREVER!!! - Are you aware that the Internet is comprised of millions of individuals and organizations that operate independently?
951228 -- Until now!
951229 -- Your new software is successfully installed. Do you want to send your registration info by modem? Yes - The software has found your credit card number and is placing orders for new products it thinks you need...please wait. - Making room on
951229 -- your hard drive... I can't tell if it's a virus or just excellent marketing. Either way...
951230 -- Correction A recent Dilbert strip used the words "Ant Farm" to describe a habitat for ants. - Lawyers have informed me that "Ant Farm" is a trademark of "Uncle Million Industries, Inc." They demand a public clarification. - What *should* we
951230 -- call a habitat for worthless and disgusting little creatures? Law school.
951231 -- I've got an idea! We're doomed. - Why can't we run our inventory database over our E-Mail system? - Fact: That is the stupidest Idea in the universe. - Fact: His comprehension is so limited that debate is futile. - Fact: We could spend hours
951231 -- unsuccessfully explaining why it's a stupid idea. - Fact: He would never know if we used his idea or not. - No problem. We'll get right on it. My work is done. Stupidity is like nuclear power; it can be used for good or evil. And you don't want
951231 -- to get any on you.
960101 -- A while back I asked for options about this new character, "Tina the brittle tech writer." - Results Most people, including nearly all self-described feminists, said keep her. But there were many requests to add "non-stereotypical" female
960101 -- characters for balance. - In the interest of balance I give you "Antina." Is anybody up for some math?
960102 -- Hi, I'm Antina the non-stereotypical woman. - That computer monitor you're using is supposed to be 17 inches. But it's more like 16.5 inches. - I took the coffee machine apart just for fun - want to see?
960103 -- I've decided to mask my boyish looks by growing a beard. - I didn't think Ted was smart enough to know how to grow a beard. Hee Hee - Two weeks later How do you like my beard? My search for a new manager is over.
960104 -- I promoted Ted to be your new manager- I used to think he looked boyish, but his new beard changed that. - Are either of you the least bit concerned that Ted's beard is growing from his forehead? - She made it sound as if it's wrong. You can
960104 -- punish them for having bad options.
960105 -- As your new boss I have yet to select my "pet" employee. I shall do this by closing my eyes and pointing the beard on my forehead. - To make it fair, I'll close my eyes while one of you spins my chair! - Alice...um...technically this isn't
960105 -- "spinning." Stairs
960106 -- How do you like being a manager, Ted? - Yesterday my staff pushed me down then flights of stairs. My soul left my body and now I'm a lifeless evil entity. - Just in time to perform reviews! I couldn't have planned it better.
960107 -- Why do I have a feeling of impending doom? - Good news! Uh-oh. - You won't have to spend another lonely day in this tiny cubicle. - I'm getting an office? Better! You're getting a roommate! - Why!!! We've got plenty of empty cubicles! Our
960107 -- company owns the whole building! - The finance department charges my budget for the square footage we use. - It's a false savings! You're hurting the company! All I hear is a faint buzzing. - Oh well. How bad could it be? I hope you like baked
960107 -- beans and square-dancing as much as I do!
960108 -- Performance Review Your engineering work was excellent. But there was the little incident where you... - SHOVED ME DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS AND KILLED ME, THUS INVITING THE FORCES OF DARKNESS TO POSSESS MY BODY!!! BACK! - How'd it go? I swear,
960108 -- this job is all politics.
960109 -- My new boss is possessed by an evil force. We need your advice, Dogbert. - There is only one solution. You must drive a stake through his heart. - There's no way we could be so cruel!! Can I borrow your pen? All I have is this wimpy retractable.
960110 -- Alice is ready to drive a stake through the heart of our demon-possessed boss. - WHACK WHACK WHACK - It's times like these when I'm glad my heart is the size of a raisin! I need all of your pens, including "Blue Betty."
960111 -- I would never buy something over the Internet. I'd hate to have my credit card number floating around out there. - There are a lot of unscrupulous people on the net. - Later ...Bottom line, it just isn't common sense.
960112 -- It's time for a visit from "Camping Girl." - There goes my entire morning. I'd like to begin with a monologue entitled "Woe is Carl." - I'm working every minute! They all laughed when I built the escape tunnel.
960113 -- Gotta hurry. One...Two...Three... click - I have twelve seconds to get to the shared laser printer. - Guess who saved the Apollo 13 mission. Did you know that Wally invented the cursor?
960114 -- We need to have a little talk... - You told me to finish my project in a week but it's taken two months. - This doesn't look good for your ability to estimate resource requirements. - Frankly, it's not much of an endorsement of your leadership
960114 -- either. I was uninspired the whole time. - And don't even get me started about your incompetence at budgeting. I spent *way* more than you predicted! - Your incessant demands for status reports were like a rope that strangled my productivity! -
960114 -- Bottom line, your performance did *not* meet my expectations. - So, Wally, do you still think the best defense is offense? It seemed like such a good idea.
960115 -- I call my new operating system the "Dogbert 2000." - Soon I will dominate the entire PC industry! Heh-heh... It looks like "Windows 95." - I use some of the graphical metaphors, but I pronounce them differently. - How do you pronounce the
960115 -- "Microsoft" logo ?
960116 -- After I become a billionaire from my software company I'll do a little dance. - I'm so rich its me you hail if I'm obnoxious kiss my tail - Do you plan to do any charity work? Let me put it this way - you just saw my contribution to the fine
960116 -- arts.
960117 -- If you plan to remain in the computer business you'd better bundle the "Dogbert 2000" operating system with every unit you sell. - Otherwise, after I dominate the market you'll be last on my list to receive new products! - You remind me of
960117 -- somebody... It's the glasses, isn't it?
960118 -- Dogbert meets with the software developers Note the huge market for software that runs on the "Dogbert 2000" operating system. - But who cares? The important thing is that I brought a bag of toys. - Some say that the computer industry is built
960118 -- on silicon. I think foam and plastic are equally important.
960119 -- Thanks to my software empire, my net wealth is twenty million dollars. - Contrary to popular opinion, it does seem to make them happy. - Money can't buy a sunset, Dogbert. No, but I was able to license the digital rights.
960120 -- I heard you were doing some baby-sitting. Bob. - Yeah! I did the Morton triplets last night. - It's not easy to juggle three screaming toddlers. - When you say "juggle"... It's the Mortons with a question about their ceiling fan.
960121 -- Hee hee! This is my most diabolical work yet as director of human resources. - Thanks to E-Mail I can play with hundreds of employees at once! - Uh-oh... A message from the evil mister Catbert. - "In order to reduce our janitorial expenses..."
960121 -- That's a phrase you don't want to see. - "Every engineer will be required to strap a broom to his or her..." - "...buttocks." - - On the positive side, marketing invites us to a lot more meetings now. Five minutes, we're still eating cookies.
960122 -- The company announced a new compensation plan today. Bonuses will be paid only to the top ten percent of the employees. - In related news, 89% of the employees resigned in bitter disgust. The top ten percent also left, realizing they could
960122 -- get better jobs elsewhere. - This could have an impact on those of you who remain. We get the bonuses?
960123 -- I'm inventing a new technology to prevent kids from seeing smut on the Internet. - So, you're pitting your intelligence against the collective sex drive of all the teenagers who own computers? - What is your point? Did you know that if you put
960123 -- a little hat on a snowball it can last a long time in hell?
....
960131 -- Wally writes the critical code for a our nation's new air traffic control system. The crowd is silent. - Suddenly the gifted programmer employs a rarely seen strategy of "code reuse." - The crowd goes wild. - So you used the code from the
960131 -- payroll system? Here's a tip: Don't fly on pay day.
960201 -- Thanks to my leadership, the new air traffic control system is designed on time and under budget. - I had to cut a few corners. This big radar-looking thing is a wall clock. And most of the buttons are glued on. - It looks like it might be
960201 -- um...dangerous. Great...I finish early and what do I get: "Feature Creep."
960202 -- I need everybody to help in the shipping department. - Every product that ships before the end of the month gets counted as revenue for the fiscal year. Unfortunately, we don't have inventory. - So we'll ship whatever is lying around, book it
960202 -- as revenue and sort it out later. This one's getting gum.
960203 -- Hey, Wally! The boss sent his first E-Mail message! - And you said he wasn't bright enough to figure out how to use E-Mail! What's his message? - "I forgot my watch. Does anybody know what time it is?" Time to change jobs.
960204 -- I'll never understand what you do for a living. I told you I'm an engineer, Mom. - So you say. But you also say you spend all day in meetings. When do you do your engineering? - Good point. Let's just say I'm what the experts call a
960204 -- "Knowledge Worker." - Which experts call it that? I don't know. - What's the name of the product you're working on? I don't know what the acronym stands for... - What kind of market penetration and return on investment do you expect?
960204 -- Um...I don't know... - Oh, dear... Well, I'm sure you're very punctual. - Ask me another question!! C'mon... Why do they call you a "Knowledge Worker" ?
960205 -- I have discovered the cause of your project delays. - Somebody in this room is a piece of deadwood pretending to be a contributor! - IT IS YOU! Hey, I made some calls and I'm waiting for information!
960206 -- Alice, you've got to lock up these proprietary documents you have in your cubicle. - If our competitors see our plans, it could be very dangerous. For us or for them? - The competitors Ooh! Ooh! They're planning to "utilize synergy." We're
960206 -- in trouble now! HA HA HA Stop! You're killing me!!
960207 -- Why it it that the people with the  least need for storage space have the biggest offices? - I know! You're using your office as kind of a living monument of inefficiency! - Is this because I wouldn't let you get a file cabinet? Where
960207 -- would I put it? My cubicle is full of stacks of proprietary documents.
960208 -- I told you this project would take a year. But on my objectives you say I must have it done in three months. - Which of these reasons best describes why: A. You have great confidence in me. B. You think I padded my estimate. C. You have my
960208 -- guts. - We don't really need the project. It's just a way to keep raises low. I just felt a little dip in my motivation.
960209 -- Wally, I've decided to move your project due date up a month. - Every time it looks like I'll reach an objective, you move it! What does this prove about my performance? - It proves I'm better at setting objectives than you are at
960209 -- achieving them.
960210 -- I have too many passwords in my life. What if I forget them? - You'd lose your job! You wouldn't be able to withdraw money or check phone messages! You'd be dead in a week!! - That would have been a good time to be quietly supportive,
960210 -- Dogbert. Oh, yeah, that's a lot of fun.
960211 -- Simple Molecules combine to make powerful chemicals... - Simple cells combine to make powerful lifeforms. - Simple electronics combine to make powerful computers. - Logically, all things are created by a combination of simpler, less
960211 -- capable components. - Therefore, a supreme being must be our *future*, not our origin! - What if "God" is the consciousness that will be created when enough of us are connected by the Internet?!! - That would certainly limit the types of
960211 -- files I download- I wonder what it would do to response times. - It's so nice to spend time alone with my thoughts. My web browser would *fly*!
960212 -- Catbert the evil human resources director The employees have too much time off. It must be stopped. - I SUMMON THE DEMONS OF DARKNESS TO ASSIST ME!!! - ...eliminate sick days. Make them use vacation days when they're ill. Call it a "Time
960212 -- Bank." It's playful... It's cruel... I like it.
960213 -- I know I should be off tormenting people... - But I can pry myself away from this most excellent butt-warming device. - It's probably because of the hype, but I'm thinking this would be even better with "Windows 95."
960214 -- As a co-op employee, you can't expect the same lush cubicle environment that the regular employees enjoy. - You'll be sharing this cubicle with our other co-ops. - I heard that the new new co-op only lasted one day. He didn't fit in.
960215 -- Here's the revised standard employment agreement. Sign it or be fired. - "This agreement is between the company (hereafter referred to as 'the only company that would ever hire you') and you (hereafter called 'pudding head')." - It seems
960215 -- to have a bit of attitude. Our lawyers turned on us. I suspect rabies.
....
960217 -- Look at the agreement my company is forcing us to sign. They claim the rights to any idea an employee ever has. - No problem. Just retype it with a few strategic omissions and sign it. They can't proofread every one. - Wouldn't that be
960217 -- dishonest? Maybe you could just show them some of your ideas and they'd grant a waiver.
960218 -- Here's my project time line. - The "work" portion will take one week. (Work 1 week) - I'll spend three weeks meeting with people whom you send to me because you don't feel like talking to them yourself (3 weeks) - I'll spend eight weeks
960218 -- getting competitive bids from companies that I know I won't select. - ...six weeks to get the wisdom and approval of executives who are too busy to understand the issues. - During that time you will randomly reorganize the department and
960218 -- cut out my funding. - In the final phase I leap to my death, a bitter and broken shell of a man. EEEE!!! - Is there some sort of manager thing I should be doing now? If I time my leap right you'll just be leaving the building.
960219 -- This 3-D colored pie chart shows an unexplained rise in expenses. ? You each get a binder of colored pie charts so you can help find the cause of our rising expenses. - How much do color copies cost? - I think I see it! - It's not the
960219 -- "magic eye," doofus.
960220 -- I moved our software development work to the impoverished nation of Elbonia. - I'm brilliant. They write high-quality code for six cents a dime! There's no risk! Red Alert! - Elbonia Tomorrow, *you* be the computer.
960221 -- I heard that our software development work has been moved to the tiny nation of Elbonia. Things can't get worse than that. - Dilbert, you're in charge of integrating the Elbonian's software with our existing systems. - Okay, *now* it can't
960221 -- get any worse. You might want to get a tuberculosis vaccination.
960222 -- Somewhere in Elbonia I've been assigned to check the software you're writing for us under contract. - The documentation is written in our own Elbonian language. Is that a problem? - That's better than I hoped. I was afraid nobody here knew
960222 -- how to write. Writing is easy. Someday we hope to read, too.
960223 -- Before I accept the software you wrote under contract, tell me what development methology you use. - We hold village meetings to boast of our skills and curse the devil-spawned end-users. Sometimes we juggle. - At the last minute we slam
960223 -- out some code and go roller skating. - I would find this humorous if not for the pig on my back.
960224 -- You saved one million dollars by having programmers in Elbonia write software for us. - But we wasted four million dollars trying to debug the software. - And the entire staff of our quality assurance group quit to become mimes. - Let's
960224 -- blame the mimes; they won't talk.
960225 -- I'm embarrassed to work at my company, Dogbert. - We can't even pay a simple invoice in less than six months. - "First it comes to our mail room for aging." Do we like Dilbert? Bad haircut. Penalty box. - "Months later it gets to our
960225 -- department secretary." It's urgent. I'll start ignoring it immediately. - "Eventually my boss gets it. He uses it to demonstrate his inability to grasp the concept of time." Let's get some more bids. That was the *past*. This is the
960225 -- *present*. "If it makes it to the accounts payable group, it will be eaten by trolls." No, thanks I'm full. Just a taste. - How would you protect your reputation if you were associated with something so pathetic? - I'd tell everybody that
960225 -- the doofy guy is my butler. Hypothetically.
960226 -- I hate my shirts. Each one has either a stain or a missing button. - They say engineers are not concerned with fashion, but that's not fair. - Which stain goes with this tie? Definitely the marinara.
960227 -- I just got our consultant's report. He's identified our biggest problem. - I recommend that we build a tracking database. We can put it on the network. - Would you like to hear what the problem is first? I hate to dwell on the negative. We like
960227 -- databases.
960228 -- You haven't heard what the problem is yet; how can you recommend building a database to solve it? - We always build a database. And we'll need coffee mugs for the project team. - The *problem* is that we have poor processes. That could be the
960228 -- slogan on our mugs!
960229 -- Dogbert, I need you to facilitate some meetings. What kind of meetings? - We're creating a process to fix our product development process. But first we're having some preplanning meetings... - ...to decide a project name. How about "Death
960229 -- Spiral"?
960301 -- I've been asked to facilitate this meeting. I alone will determine who can speak. - I'd like to begin with a raw display of my power. You may not speak. - Hey, Wally... Did you ever hear of a thing called exercise?
960302 -- I think you'll agree that this meeting went smoothly with me as facilitator. - The breakthrough was when I realized I was the only one here with anything valuable to say. - Let's have a moment of silence to honor me for my brilliant work
960302 -- despite being surrounded by dolts.
960303 -- I want you to interview the new candidate for engineering. Don't reveal any ugly truths. - At this company we're dedicated to the principle of employee empowerment, Jennifer. - The "Principle of employee empowerment"? - Uh-oh. Why would you
960303 -- have a special phrase for something like that? - If you could really make decisions on your own it would never occur to you to invent a phrase for it. - My shields are down...a hull breach is imminent... - Just don't tell me you have "Quality
960303 -- Teams". RUN FOR IT, JENNIFER!!! IT'S TOO LATE FOR ME BUT YOU CAN SAVE YOURSELF!!! RUN!!! Whoa! Hull breach. Any survivors? One. I had to jettison my dignity but she made it to the escape pod.
960304 -- Add an executive summary to the approval page. - Keep it simple. Our executives don't understand as much about technology as I do. - How could they know less than you do? You haven't figured out how to make your car go uphill. Wrong; I got AAA
960304 -- road service.
960305 -- I have to turn this fifty-page proposal into a one-paragraph executive summary for our CEO.- It's impossible. Simple. - How about "Give us three million dollars so we can buy cool technology, pump up our resumes and escape this festering boil
960305 -- you call a company"? - I feel obligated to say something about our customers. How about "I'm glad I'm not one of them."
960306 -- Could you do a demo of the new product for our VP next week? - Well...that would delay the ship date, lower morale and create an unending demand for more unproductive demos... - Logically, since your objective is to show that we're doing
960306 -- valuable work... And we'll need a banner that says "Quality."
960307 -- We had to cut some corners to get the demo ready this soon. - Wally is under the table. He'll pretend to be the 3-D interface that we could build if we weren't doing useless demos. - He's a little fuzzy. Can you adjust it? Try the electric
960307 -- shaver.
960308 -- Our new VP is coming. Is the demo of our holographic interface ready? - Everything should be fine...unless we're suddenly visited by the dark angel of product demos... - Hello-o-o Wally. Did somebody say "Demo"? I'm Dilbert; loyal peon.
960309 -- We planned a dazzling demo for you, but as you can see we're visited by the dark angel of demos. - The demo is a sham. Their product is doomed. Cut their funding before your name is associated with it. - The worst is over. Look at some of the
960309 -- pictures the "boys" store on the file server ..
960310 -- Mysteries revealed How do ceiling tiles damaged? - It begins with a lowly engineer who makes a technology decision. - Th engineer writes up his recommendation. Ten pages. - The boss summarizes it for the executive director. One-page summary. -
960310 -- The executive director summarizes it for the vice president. Three bullet points... - The VP summarizes it for the president. Nice necktie. Thanks. Have some stock options. - The president sees a CNN report and makes a technology decision.
960310 -- Interactive holograms are hot! Get me some of that! - The engineer is assigned to justify the president's technology decision. He took that well. Ouch!
960311 -- Wally and I came up with a great new product idea! - Inspiration alert in effect!! DANGER! NEW IDEA! - State your idea now Crush-o-matic Um, you tell him.
960312 -- If this company won't use our product idea let's quit and start our own business! - Why quit? We can run our new company from our cubicles and get paid too. - Wouldn't that be immoral? That's only an issue for people who aren't already in hell.
960313 -- It has come to my attention that some employees are running side businesses from their cubicles. Really?? - I don't want to see any signs of that in my department. Fair enough. What about "Yellow Pages" ads? Software outlet Sale Palms read $25
960313 -- Shoe world Walbert Inc.
960314 -- Ratbert, we'd like you to to be the director of marketing for the company we're starting. Okay! What do I do? - Be as annoying and illogical as you can. We'll whack you in the head with balled-up socks to make you shut up. - It's definitely
960314 -- better to be an owner than an employee. Let's link his salary to earnings! Hee hee!
960315 -- The business plan for your start-up is idiotic but I'm going to provide the venture capital funding anyway. - We'll generate lots of media hype, go public and make millions by shafting greedy and ignorant investors. - The latin word for "Close
960315 -- your eyes and open your mouth" is "prospectus." This is exactly why I'm afraid of dogs.
960316 -- Wally and I started our own company. We're selling the product that you said nobody wants. Soon we will be rich. - We do our victory jig in your face. Ba-bum - When he showed you your employment agreement - where you gave all patent rights to
960316 -- this company - what part of the jig were you doing? Turbo mooning. Sob
960317 -- I have an ethical question, Dogbert. I'm here to help. - Is it better to give customers a low quality product in a timely fashion... - Or is it better to lie about product availability until the bugs are fixed? - I will need my assistant,
960317 -- Ratbert, to address your ethical question. Snap - Let's say Ratbert is a trusting and innocent customer. - Suppose somebody abuses his trust like this... Smack - - How does this relate to my situation? To be honest, I wasn't listening to you.
960318 -- Hey, everybody. Meet our new intern, Asok. - I hope this one's sturdier than the last one. - My staple remover is broken. Somebody toss that intern to me!
960319 -- Asok the intern As an intern, your assignments won't be as glamorous as mine, but you'll gain experience. - Dilbert, I need a status report on the mouse pad inventory. - See? My assignment has the word "status" built right in. Danger! Alert!
960320 -- Asok the intern Asok, come quickly! It's an emergency! - You must crawl through the jeffries tube and shut down the furnace before it fries us all! - Today young Asok learns that life is *not* like "Star Trek." I'm stuck. Spank the intern 50
960320 -- cent
960321 -- I want everyone to prepare a presentation for the executive review board. Urgent. - What's that smell? Yes!!! ... It's the scent of unnecessary work for a meeting that will be cancelled. Sniff Sniff - Did you smell the unnecessary work? We can
960321 -- ignore it! It's like popcorn for the soul. Urgent
960322 -- Why aren't you slaving away, preparing for the executive review board meeting? - I have the male "work avoidance chromosome." I can detect unnecessary work, thereby avoiding it. - We *all* have to be ready to present something! Could you hold
960322 -- it down? I'm trying to sleep.
960323 -- I don't believe man have a special chromosome to tell them which assignments are a waste of time. We do. - I will test the theory on young Asok the intern. Mmm...the sweet smell of unnecessary work. - Maybe men are more perceptive than you'd
960323 -- think. She's aroused. I'll make my move.
960324 -- Here's the analysis you asked for... I worked all night. - But you said this was vital for your meeting today so I know it was worth the effort. - This is excellent work, Alice. - A rare compliment; it was all worthwhile. MMM - I'll use it
960324 -- as backup material. - Backup?!! Nobody looks at backup material! - I'm going to grab your pointy hair, yank you out of that cheap suit and fling your naked body down the hall. - She's always irritable the week before her performance review
960324 -- cycle. Her distance improved this year. Ow
960325 -- At long last our product is complete. It ships tomorrow. - That's terrific. I only have a few additional features to add and the marketing department will be happy. Okay - I believe that our customers want hardware, not software. It's
960325 -- times like these when I wish I were a psychopath. You're not?
960326 -- I want you three to write the department newsletter. It's an important, high-profile assignment. - I am an experienced technical writer. You have placed me on a project with an intern and a rodent. - *My* next raise will depend on *their*
960326 -- performance. I'll do the sports page! I'll be the topless model on page two.
960327 -- Let's get one thing straight before we start writing the department newsletter... - I'm an experienced technical writer. You are an intern and a rat, respectively. Therefore I will be the editor. - I have no skills whatsoever. Therefore
960327 -- I'll be the executive editor. Is "publisher" taken?
960328 -- At the risk of dying from boredom, I must interview you for the department newsletter. - Let me give you some background before I talk about my project... - "The project is good." quipped the engineer. ...so there I am in my mom's
960328 -- fallopian tube...
960329 -- Wally, I'm hoping you'll agree to write about your project for the newsletter... - And in the grand tradition of engineering, I expect you'll give this the lowest priority, thus making me despise you. - So...are you saying you don't
960329 -- despise me *now*? WE ARE *NOT* HAVING A "MOMENT" HERE!
960330 -- Performance Review Your main accomplishment was the department newsletter which was both uninteresting and unimportant. You get no raise. - The newsletter was *your* idea, and it's boring because most of the articles are contributed by my
960330 -- idiotic coworkers. - You don't seem to understand the value of teamwork. I understand its value; it just cost me a two-percent raise.
960331 -- It's my honor to present this special bonus check to Barry. - That's you. *My* name is Barry?? - This is for working hundreds of hours of overtime. - While you quitters were going home by 9pm every night... - Barry remained at work staring at
960331 -- his computer for hours. - It's important to recognize extra effort. - Burp Sadly, that's the end of the special bonus budget for the year. - In retrospect, I shouldn't have told Barry that his screen saver is an epic miniseries.
960401 -- In an effort to boost sales, laptop computers have been given to every member in the sales force. - That could be a problem, given the recent cuts in the training budget. - Meanwhile, in the field And if you order today, I'll throw in this
960401 -- rectangular plastic thing.
960402 -- I wish I had an ivy league degree so I could be promoted to vice president. You don't need one. - It's impossible to be a vice president without one. I'll bet $100 I can turn a rat into a vice president. - That was good, but try saying it as
960402 -- though your soul just abandoned your body. - "We've reorganized to focus on our core competency."
960403 -- Remember everything t taught you, Ratbert. - If you can pass yourself off as a corporate vice president, I'll win my bet. - Yo, headcount! If you have any issues, put together an action plan. Our people are the best. Don't spend money. - Do you
960403 -- think he's really a vice president? Maybe. But I'm not ready to rule out "annoying rodent" yet. Quality.
960404 -- Mister Ratbert, I don't think I can hire a rat to be our vice president of marketing. - You need experience in the technology industry. - I spent a week in a dumpster at Procter and Gamble. - Close enough! Welcome to the team! I'll bring some
960404 -- cronies with me. They're flies.
960405 -- I had years of valuable experience as a rodent before I became vice president of marketing. - My marketing plan is simple. Each of you will cling to the leg of a technology columnist until we get some good press. - It looks like yours is full.
960405 -- You can cling to the cat until a space opens.
960406 -- I quit my job as vice president of marketing... - I was losing my scruples...becoming unscrupulous. Yes, I learned a valuable lesson about scruples. - And that lesson would be? It's fun to say "scruples."
960407 -- Go home, Dilbert. Relax! You're working too hard! - You told me to finish this by tomorrow. You said it's urgent. - Relax! Go home! Shoo! - Suddenly Dilbert is sucked into the "Boss Zone" where time and logic do not apply. - How can I relax
960407 -- *and* do urgent work at the same time? - Work smarter, not harder. AAEEII!! - Mercifully, the angel of cynicism appears. Slap something together in the morning. He won't look at it anyway. - The inspirational moral... Freedom's just another
960407 -- word for not caring about the quality of your work!
960408 -- The executive review board meeting is canceled. I hope you didn't work too hard preparing for it. - Must..control fist...of...death... Unlike Alice, I saw it coming and did not work whatsoever. - Did you see *that* coming? What does this do to
960408 -- headcount?
960409 -- Stupid machine, you've taken my coins and with them my sunny disposition. Soda - THERE'S NOTHING LEFT TO GIVE!!! YOU'VE TAKEN IT ALL!!! - Okay, you got my dignity and my career, too...but I am drawing the line *here*, buster!
960410 -- Catbert the H.R. director This report says you went nuts at a vending machine because it took your money. - The company used to offer counseling in these cases. But we found it was more economical to apply the death penalty. - WHAT?! HOW IS
960410 -- THAT POSSIBLE? I'm not sure yet. You're too big for the microwave oven...
960411 -- Today was a bad day. First the vending machine stole my money... - ...and by the end of the day I have been sentenced to death by the director of human resources... - I've become totally desensitized to tragic news! The execution is scheduled
960411 -- for tomorrow. I should call in sick.
960412 -- Dogbert versus Catbert I understand you've sentenced Dilbert to death. Is that a problem? - My assistant, Bob the dinosaur, will now demonstrate how to give a cat a "fur wedgie." - I've been pardoned. Somehow they lost the paperwork ordering my
960412 -- execution. It probably fell into a crack.
960413 -- The internal job postings are out. Here's a job I love. - "Experience required: The candidate must be a guy named Eric, potbellied, nearsighted, must drive a red Ford Bronco." - They might have someone in mind already. If I squint...and leave
960413 -- my "control top" pantyhose at home...
960414 -- Dogbert would like to speak with you about the changes you made to my engineering proposal. - While Dogbert was getting his masters degree in electrical engineering... - You were majoring in art history so you could look at pictures of naked
960414 -- statues. - Dilbert often contributes articles to technology publications. - You, on the other hand, rub those same publications with a nickel, looking for hidden "Scratch and Sniff" panels. - In summary... - NEVER QUESTION AN ENGINEER'S
960414 -- OPINION, YOU THUNDERING MORON! - Nicely done, but I wouldn't have said "thundering." What were you drinking when you wrote this piece of crud?!!
960415 -- Alice, you've been working eighteen hours a day. I realized I must add a person to the effort. - So I hired a night shift manager. After I go home at five o'clock he'll take over and ask why you're behind schedule. - I like my status reports
960415 -- rendered in 3-D, but don't spend a lot of time on it-
960416 -- This dog is specially trained to detect wasted resources. - He'll help me find out why your project is behind schedule even after adding me as manager. sniff sniff - We'll begin as soon as he's done playing around.
960417 -- Oh my! This is shocking! What? - 40% of all sick days taken by your staff are Fridays and Mondays! - What kind of idiot do they think I am? Not an idiot savant. They can do math.
960418 -- It has come to my attention that 40% of all sick days are on Fridays and Mondays. This is unacceptable. HA HA HA!!! THAT'S A GOOD ONE!!! - Please tell me he was kidding. Welcome to hell, kid.
960419 -- I can make your employees more creative and spiritually fulfilled. - I use my special blend of poetry and dance to touch their souls. Okay. You're hired. - There once was a dog with a hat... Who got paid to dance like that... Hey! My soul just
960419 -- healed!
960420 -- Have my poems and dances healed your soul yet, Alice? The company cares about your total well being. Excuse me. - WE WANT MORE MONEY, NOT DANCING DOGS!!! M-O-N-E-Y!! - So you're saying those primal screams are healthy? Can you teach me to do
960420 -- it? Here's my invoice - Go wild.
960421 -- Yo, Dil-man! Uh-oh, it's Ken from sales. - I told our biggest customers how great our next product will be. - Now nobody will buy our current product. - When will the new version be available? In a year or two. - - Hmm... I seem to have
960421 -- single-handedly destroyed an entire product line. - Luckily our biggest competitor is hiring sales people. And I'm betting *they'll* have brisk sales this year! Commissions galore! - If there's justice in the world, the idiots will be
960421 -- punished... - ...before they get promoted. Um...we need the new version by Tuesday.
960422 -- Catbert, H.R. Director Wally, it might not seem fair that new employees are paid more than you... - But you could always quit and then reapply for your old job at a higher salary. - I just might do that!! Would you mind rubbing this catnip all
960422 -- over your body first?
960423 -- So I'm thinking I'll resign, then I'll reapply for my current job at a higher salary. - That's a good plan except for the fact that you're thoroughly unqualified for your current job. - I need to share some unrealistic plans with a friend who
960423 -- isn't an engineer. I'm more of a co-worker than a friend, per se.
960424 -- And that's the marketing plan. Any comments? - It appears to be a bunch of obvious generalities and wishful thinking with no apparent business value. - Marketing didn't turn out to be the glamour career I expected. - I circled all the words you
960424 -- won't find in any dictionary.
960425 -- Experiment #1: I am exposing a rat to my company's marketing plan. - He seems to have no adverse response to the introduction and background. - This is already far more exposure than humans could tolerate. Sales Projections... Brain Tumor...
960425 -- Get Tylenol...
960426 -- Here's my time sheet, including guesses for the next two days so I can meet your arbitrary clerical deadline. - If anything important comes up, I'll ignore it to preserve the integrity of the time-reporting system. - Are you finished annoying
960426 -- me yet? According to my timesheet I'll be here for another 14 minutes.
960427 -- I got myself a little work-avoidance device. - If I want to leave a meeting early, I just look down and say "Uh-oh" and scurry away. - What's the pager number in case I need you? You're not quite grasping the concept here, Alice.
960428 -- Great news! The company set a new record for profits! - That means T-Shirts for everyone! - You can choose from sizes "small," "petite" or "elfin." - Shouldn't these have the company name or logo on them? Hey, that's an idea for next year!! -
960428 -- It's 1% cotton, 99% "miscellaneous" and all hand-made by authentic slave laborers. - That's great! With slave labor you don't have the problem that the shirts made on Fridays aren't as good! - Do you ever worry that our career expectations have
960428 -- gotten too low? - Don't go there, Alice. "Casual day," here I come!
960429 -- Catbert, H. R. Director I've come to give you "employee orientation," Wally. - You still have a glimmer of hope. You'll have to watch this mandatory training video. - So, you still have hope... Relax...let it go.
960430 -- I'm pleased to announce another banner week of accomplishments! - I streamlined the business processes while honing my participatory style and my proactive attitude, all while valuing diversity! - You watched the mandatory training videos? And
960430 -- I lost my free will!
960501 -- I just watched the mandatory video on sexual harassment. It worked! - In only thirty minutes, that video corrected a billion years of evolution. Do something sexy and watch me ignore it! - I probably shouldn't have fast-forwarded through the
960501 -- boring parts.
960502 -- Here's your problem. The connection to the network is broken. - Uh-oh. It's a "Token Ring" LAN. That means the token fell out and it's in this room someplace. - You are the wind beneath my wings. I'll wait a week then tell him the token must be
960502 -- in the "Ethernet."
960503 -- We have to eliminate a few steps in order to hit the marketing window. - I think we can get rid of market research an technical testing. They're basically "overhead." - Gone! Now we'll hit the market window! ...Like a bird.
960504 -- Here are my budget estimates for the year. - Thanks to management bungling and indecision, I plan to use no capital for several months followed by a reckless year-end orgy of acquisition. - Is that what you were looking for? Tell me again what
960504 -- "capital" is.
960505 -- I need to move you one cubicle down. Why? - That way people will be in a square pattern. - You're in a random pattern now. The symmetry is bad. - You want me to waste two days of work to move... - I'll have no phone and no network
960505 -- connection for a week... - I'll have to order new business cards and update my cubicle address on dozens of records. - And you still won't have a *square* because there are *five* of us. - I got downsized. Apparently somebody complained
960505 -- that I formed a pentagon. That can happen.
960506 -- This week I kicked off the "Wally Compensation Equilibrium Project." - My goal is to lower the quality of my work until it is consistent with my salary. - I hate the first month after they see their raises. I'd go on, but I just achieved
960506 -- equilibrium.
960507 -- Catbert, the evil director of human resources We're moving to "Cafeteria Style" benefits. - Under this system, if you need health care, you wander through the cafeteria asking "Does anybody know what this red lump is?" - What if it's a
960507 -- life-threatening problem? That reminds me, the cafeteria won't be labeling the entrees anymore.
960508 -- I'm going to try my paw at being a career counselor. - Insecure people will seek my advice and I'll tell them to be more self-reliant. - That sounds lazy and unhelpful. Would you want career advice from somebody who has to work hard?
960509 -- Dogbert, Career Counselor You can't expect your employer to take care of you forever, Wally. - Don't expect raises, don't expect to be trained and don't expect a pension. - That's depressing. I need a sourball. Those are marbles wrapped
960509 -- in cellophane.
960510 -- Dogbert, Career Counselor According to your occupational preference test, you like to remove vital organs from helpless people. - That narrows the career choices to doctor or serial killer. Do you get along with other people? - Other
960510 -- people are insignificant insects. - We'll have to go a to a tie-breaker question.
960511 -- Dogbert, Career Counselor I'm a low technical writer now, but my goal is to become a famous novelist. - My plan is to write witty and scathing E-Mail messages about co-workers until a publisher gives me an advice. - They might expect you
960511 -- to write a book at some point. BLOOD SUCKERS!
960512 -- I'd like you all to meet our new vice president in charge of cost containment. - My first priority is to reduce our spiraling expenses for office supplies. - From now on, your supply cabinet will be locked. - The only key will be under
960512 -- the control of your bitter an inefficient secretary. Questions? - I am only an intern so please excuse this naive question... - I've noticed that the employees are all dispirited hollow shells, management is random and our products are
960512 -- shoddy. - How are you going to solve that by making it hard to get supplies? - I thought you said they like honesty. Ask how much he's paid. It shows you care.
960513 -- The company announced we're being bought by our long-time rival. - Don't worry about layoffs. They like engineers. In fact, they already have a division that does what we do! - Except they're younger and the aren't paid as much as we
960513 -- are... Spin
960514 -- After the merger, we'll reduce staff in areas that are redundant. - I hope the employees of this company will be evaluated fairly compared to those in the buying company. - We already have a bald guy. Does yours steal office furniture,
960514 -- too?
960515 -- I'm paralyzed with fear because of the pending merger. - Thanks to your leadership I've gone from being unmotivated to being inert. - I think I'm advancing to the next phase. Hello, Rigor Mortis!! Take me, I'm ready!! It might be time for
960515 -- a morale-boosting potluck lunch.
960516 -- In the "due diligence" phase of our merger you will give us access to all of your proprietary information. - Wouldn't that let you know how to crush us completely? Couldn't you cancel the merger and take our customers without paying a
960516 -- cent? - Must...contain...maniacal...laugh...
960517 -- "Due Diligence" before the merger You must reveal your secrets so my company knows what it's buying. - All of our projects are doomed. Most of the good employees left. Our customers are starting a class action suit... - At least the
960517 -- building is worth something. If you feel a tickle, that's asbestos.
960518 -- With all this talk of "diversity" there's no mention of the pain we smart creatures endure while surrounded by dolts.  -Good point. I don't know how we do. - It looks like I'll have to hold secret meetings. Yeah, our lives are a constant
960518 -- struggle.
960519 -- Dogbert's Dream Analysis - I was in a big field full of Tofu and Carburetors. - It means you're a gullible moron. That's $25 please. - Then I was running, running, running against the wind. That means you're ugly. - Then the butterfly
960519 -- turned into an opera singer. That means you're bald. - Suddenly I saw a new algorithm for data compression. It means you're boring. - Then I told the car dealer I wanted the anti-rust sealant, the extended warranty and the lease option. -
960519 -- What do you think it means? It means I'm going to make some serious money today.
960520 -- It has always been my goal to become supreme ruler of earth... - But lately, I've been wondering if you dolts are worthy of my leadership. - Do you think maybe is your ego out of control, Dogbert? I like it that way.
960521 -- Our new policy forbids the use of weapons or any violence in the workplace. - Ummm...what was the policy before this? - I'm not sure... Maybe if you had a permit and it was season. There goes another company benefit.
960522 -- Alice, these unsightly stacks of papers are a violation of my "clean desk" policy. Alice - - ...And don't even get me started about the ergonomics of *this* situation. Wally
960523 -- Yesterday I was lying in a sun spot thinking about how you work, work, work but your net worth remains constant. - HA HA HA HA HA HA!! - Well... I guess you had to be there.
960524 -- I had a cat once... Soda - I petted that thing for two hours but I didn't feel any better. - Petting is for the benefit of the cat, not your hand. They're so selfish.
960525 -- A TWO PERCENT ANNUAL RAISE?!! WOWEE!! - Ha ha! You tried to disappoint me but I compensated by drastically lowering my expectations! - Yeah, it *might* be a good sign, but I'm thinking not. WEEEE!!
960526 -- BUSINESS LANGUAGE EXPLAINED - "We have to be more competitive" Meaning: Say goodbye to salary increases. Nice barrel. This old thing? - "We must focus on our core business." Meaning: We can't find our butts with both hands. Hello. - "You
960526 -- are empowered." Meaning: You're the monarch of unimportant decisions. I proclaim this to be "green ink day." - "We're reengineering your function." Meaning: Adios, Tonto, and the horses you rode in on. - "Training is essential." Meaning:
960526 -- We're trying to hire some trained people. You were a cannibal? I'm a people person. - "We're market driven." Meaning: We blame customers for our lack of innovation. What's your favorite odor? Research - "We value employee input." Meaning:
960526 -- We think humor is important. Thanks for listening. HA HA HA!
960527 -- He slips in like a panther to take the last cup of coffee and not make more. - I AM PHIL, THE PRINCE OF INSUFFICIENT LIGHT! I DARN YOU TO HECK!!! Phil? - You were always Mom's golden boy. Somebody brought potato salad. Give me your spoon.
960528 -- Mom wanted me to be a manager like you. But I chose my own path. - I became Phil, the ruler of heck, the punisher of minor sins! How do you make money? - Corporate sponsorship. "Procter and Gamble" pays me to stay away from them. You
960528 -- should sell a line of home-exercise spoons.
960529 -- This is Phil, ruler of heck, with a special offer for my patented "Exerspoon." - You can do over seven million exercises with the "Exerspoon." It even trims problem areas! - And thanks to the innovative spoon shape, storage is a breeze!
960529 -- MMM...
960530 -- I need this information today. Plus a complete analysis of the alternatives. - CRINKLE CRINKLE STUFF - That wasn't nice. - In today's lesson, you learn that you're my co-worker, not my boss.
960531 -- Wally, I need your input on this by the end of the day. - Please drop your request here, in "Wally's pile of perpetual ignorage." - Can' I just give it to you? I don't like to touch that stuff with my hands.
960601 -- When Dilbert comes by, tell him to add "walk the talk" to his presentation. - He wants you to use a "Walkie-Talkie" to do the presentation. - Um...Did he say why? - Hey, look at my paycheck! I just realized *I* don't get paid the big
960601 -- bucks!
960602 -- My next victim. - I am Phil, the prince of insufficient light and supreme ruler of heck!! Hi, Phil. - You must choose one of these two hideous fates to pay for your sins. - You can choose eternal high pay, but all of your work will be burned
960602 -- in front of you at the end of each day... - Or you can choose eternal poverty, but your work will be useful and appreciated. - WOW! They're *both* better than my current job! - Hey, Wally, you might want to get on this! - I watch TV when
960602 -- I'm supposed to be telecommuting. DO me first! I hate the nineties.
960603 -- Halt and submit the the mind scan of "Brainitor, the guardian of security." - The bag contains one computer..."Pentium" processor...One gig hard drive...Highly fragmented... - Please wait while I optimize your hard disk... This is vaguely
960603 -- unsettling.
960604 -- Do you see "Time" as a sequence of discrete events or simply as a line of perception through infinite possibilities? - I see "Time" as more of a magazine. - You know these moments we have together. We really must have them less often. Ask
960604 -- me about "Life."
960605 -- Although we are nothing but pond scum in this company... - It's nice to know we can still find someone of lower status to torment. - You call these brochures? How can I even consider buying products from a "Ven-Duh" such as you? Tell me if
960605 -- it hurts.
960606 -- Tormenting the vendor You must do our bidding, vendor. We control your economic future. - Of course, our buying will be based solely on quantifiable performance measurements. - Your competitor completed the "Vendor challenge course" in 37
960606 -- seconds. And he gave us *very* nice T-Shirts!
960607 -- Dilbert, I found your father. He's been at the "All you can eat" restaurant in the mall since 1989. - He's so literal - He doesn't want to leave until it was "All he could eat." - When's he coming home? I'm thinking of joining him. He got
960607 -- a booth.
960608 -- I can't believe your father has been living in the "All you can eat" restaurant since 1989! - You have the oddest family. What did he look like when you saw him after all these years? - I haven't seen him yet. I'm waiting for "Burrito
960608 -- Night." - Now is when you should be saying "just kidding."
960609 -- Where's Dogbert? - Uh-oh. - Are you gullible? Do you spend money on stupid stuff? - Call the "Dogbert gullible friends hotline" for help. Only four dollars per minute. - Hello, Dogbert. I bought an exercise machine and I'm still lazy. -
960609 -- Please hold. Okay! - Call now, and I'll replace  your old television with a new one that looks just like it, while you sleep! - If you don't have a touch tone phone, stay on the line...until you get one.
960610 -- These are some of the advanced materials I'm designing at work. That jar holds a pyrophoric substance. Let's see. - FLASH - Yep, that's a good batch. - A person from a smarter gender might have said "What does 'pyrophoric' mean?"
960611 -- The Dogbert Consulting Company will help us design a new company logo. - Glug Glug Glug - When will you start? I just finished. I call it the brown ring of quality.
960612 -- Your new logo might look like a simple coffee stain, but what does the image say about you? - We're sloppy and unimaginative? We give lots of money to consultants and get little in return? - Wow. This is almost *TOO* good. - Ooh Ooh! How
960612 -- about "our opinions don't matter"?
960613 -- Our objectives are unclear and our mission statement is gibberish... - but thanks to an artificial sense of urgency, I'm working harder then ever! - What's the good news you said you have? Apparently I'm insane. But I'm one of the happy
960613 -- kinds!
960614 -- This company makes perfect sense, now that I'm insane. - For example, it might seem as though we're woefully understaffed, but I can compensate by working smarter not harder. - Hey, if I'm capable of working smarter, the why do I work
960614 -- *here*? The healing has begun.
960615 -- Dilbert, I notice you've been looking depressed lately. - Here's a prescription for an antidepressant drug. Be sure to exercise regularly and don't skip meals. - What makes you think you're qualified to diagnose my mental health?!! I'd
960615 -- better double it.
960616 -- Dilbert, I've decided to downsize you. - It's nothing personal, just an economic necessity. - I calculated how much your salary was dragging down the value of my stock options. - Without you, I can afford to go to the movies one additional
960616 -- time per year. - And let's face it: recreation is important when one has a stressful job. - Hey, why don't you downsize Wally instead. You'll save enough in office supplies to buy popcorn too. Sheesh! - Mmm. - How'd it go? You know that
960616 -- team-building exercise we did last week? I didn't take.
960617 -- The status of my action is 50% done. - Specifically, I finished the item part but not the action. - Do you have an estimate for when the action will be done? Yes, and that estimate is 100% complete!
960618 -- 10 injury free days - BAM! AAAEEII!! R-R-ROLL THUD - This is very ironic. No, it was ironic when it happened eleven days ago.
960619 -- Some idiot stood on a chair and fell off. - Now we all have to take twelve hours of chair safety training. - Is that a "Do" or "Not Do"?
960620 -- Carol, I asked you to enroll me in the quality college, but the confirmation says clown college. - It's a prerequisite course. - This is gonna cost me on secretaries day. I hope it's okay to be an angry clown.
960621 -- I was going to get the "bus of steel" video but I'm making excellent progress without it. - When they say steel, it refers to hardness, not weight. - I *knew* it seemed to easy. Stay away from large magnets.
960622 -- The only employee suggestions that get accepted are the ones that are harmless and stupid. - I submitted some stupid ideas to test my theory. - Suggestion: Replace all #2 pencils with #4 pencils. The hard lead lasts longer yet costs the
960622 -- same. That could work.
960623 -- I won't always be around to be your mentor, Asok, . So I've captured all of my career wisdom in this software, which I call the "Automentor." - Automentor, how can I achieve job satisfaction? - Try giving yourself a massage is your cubicle. -
960623 -- Automentor, how can I make sure my accomplishments get noticed? - That's not a problem at this company; nobody accomplishes anything. - Should I look for a new job? - Too late. They don't call this place the "resume stain" for nothing. - How do
960623 -- you handle all the hopelessness? - I give it to the new guy.
960624 -- Here's a draft of my new objectives. I tried to make them achievable. - "No matter how stupid my co-workers are, I will not punch a hole into anyone's torso, rip out a vital organ and keep it in my cubicle as a warning to others." - I hope she
960624 -- gets those objectives approved. YES! IT'S MEASURABLE!
960625 -- I could sit here doing nothing. - Or I could implement a bold quality initiative with the help of my talented and energetic coworkers. - I crack me up.
960626 -- What exactly is the Dogbert Day Care Concept? - Progressive companies can provide day care without spending a bundle. - Wouldn't we spend a fortune on duct tape? It's reusable unless it gets slobbered on.
960627 -- Alice, I need to gather some requirements before designing the company child care facility. - Do you mind if your children spend the day sewing garments in a windowless room full of illegal aliens? I mind. - I'll put you down as maybe. Would I
960627 -- get discounts on those garments?
960628 -- Here's my final plan for the company's day care facility. - I call it free range day care. The children are allowed to roam free among the cubicles. It's very economical. - I don't believe he's really an evil troll. Look at the "Powerpoint"
960628 -- slides he's making. It's not human.
960629 -- The results of the employee satisfaction survey are in. Scores for my department are dismal. - I'm assigning you to the satisfaction task force until the problem is solved. - Please...anything but that... How satisfied are you *now*?
960630 -- I call my invention the D-Chip Television Filter. I feel safer already. - It screens out any show with violence. - There goes the news, sports and dramas. - It also gets rid of shows that feature dishonesty or sexual innuendos. - Goodbye comedy
960630 -- and commercials. Let's hook it up. - All we're getting is weather reports. - A huge tornado ripped through the Beep ssssssssss - It works! The evil can't get to us now, Dogbert. Unhook that #!*% thing or I'll rip off your leg and beat you to
960630 -- death with it.
.....
960704 -- In the short time you've worked in quality assurance, you've found a huge number of flaws in out prototype. That's my job! - You're jeopardizing our schedule. The entire project will fail and it's all *your* fault. Why is it *my* fault? - If a
960704 -- tree falls in the forest...and we've already sold the tree...does it have quality? How many angels can dance on your hand?
960705 -- Let's have a little premeeting to prepare for the meeting tomorrow. - Whoa! Do you think it's safe to jump right into the premeeting without planning it? - Okay, let's get this preliminary premeeting meeting going. You think you're funny, but
960705 -- you're not.
960706 -- I couldn't help noticing the bugs in the program on this old diskette you threw away. - I fixed the bugs and tightened the code from twelve thousand lines to sixteen. - It took me three months to write that program. I took the liberty of
960706 -- updating your resume. I'm guessing you'll need it soon.
960707 -- I'll be writing your performance review this afternoon. - But this morning  I'm helping my daughter sell cub girl cookies. - For your shopping convenience, I have assigned a name to each volume level. - Zero to four boxes is the "downsizer"
960707 -- volume... - Five to eight boxes is the "low performer" level. - Let's say six hundred boxes Ahh... The "fast tracker." An excellent choice. - What's your daughter's name? Ooh...gotta go. - I only bought twelve boxes. - Now I'm the "united way"
960707 -- chairperson. I just signed your name for six hundred more..
960708 -- Someday when I become the supreme ruler of earth... - I'll order everybody to go outside once a day and run around with their mouths open. - Because you support fresh air and exercise? Because I hate flies.
960709 -- Thanks for making that product mock-up last week. The customer liked it so much that he ordered a thousand! - That was a *mockup*! We don't make that product yet. It would take three years to make one. - Just give me a thousand mock-ups. The
960709 -- first one was terrific! The mock-up was our competitor's product with duct tape over the logo.
960710 -- I'll need your full management support in this meeting with sales. Just watch the master work. - I promised a customer a product that we don't make. You need to engineer-up a thousand units by early next week. Is Thursday okay? - Wait until he
960710 -- finds out that Thursday isn't "early next week." Hee hee!
960711 -- I'm assigning each of you to a separate "quality" initiative. - Is there any risk this will devour our productive hours, lower our morale and have an impact on our profitability? - And we'll have a contest with a name for the overall
960711 -- initiative. How about "Qualicide"?
960712 -- He's with the other managers in an employee ranking and rating session. - Your salary depends on how well your boss can defend your proposed raise to the other managers. SOB - I'm fairly sure this Dilbert guy works for you. Doesn't ring a bell.
960713 -- Catbert, the evil director of human resources Wally, it's time for your mandatory blood test. - I don't take drugs. I'm testing to see if you're stealing time from the company. - Time? How can you test for that? We test your general health. If
960713 -- it's good, you're not working enough hours. You thief.
960714 ** According to this phone bill, you've been making personal calls. - That's like stealing from the company, Alice. - Must..control..fist...of...death... - I spent eighty cents to tell my family I was working late. - Here's a dollar, the extra
960714 ** twenty cents is for the personal thought that I'm about to have on company time. - MMM - And here's my bill for $40,000 in unpaid overtime that the company stole from me. - That's not stealing; that's being competitive. I think I'll be
960714 ** competitive with a few bushels of office supplies later today.
960715 -- Catbert, the evil director of human resources. According to my sources, you've been enjoying your job, Wally. - It was temporary. I don't know what got into me... Please refer to page one of the employee manual. - "Job satisfaction is the same
960715 -- as stealing from the company." I'll have to charge you for admission unless I start hearing some shrieks of pain.
960716 -- In the year that we've dated, Liz, you've mentioned various problems in your life. - I have compiled those problems into a list of requirements and developed a comprehensive set of solutions. - How thoughtful. I didn't even know I was broken.
960716 -- No, no, not broken... just a bit buggy.
960717 -- Um...when I've shared my feelings with you, I wasn't hoping you'd design an action plan to solve all my problems. - Why else would you tell me all of your problems...unless it's some demented plot to make yourself feel better at my expense? -
960717 -- You were right. It was all a demented plot. I'm trying to gradually lift your veil of ignorance.
960718 -- Our new "recognition program" assigns the names of precious gems to your levels of performance. - The highest level is diamond. You get a new ring at each level. - Are you sure talc is a precious gem? I think I saw it sparkle.
960719 -- As you can see from my ring, I'm a member of the "Talc Club" at work. - With hard work and a bit of luck I will rise to the next level: Shale. - I can honestly say my respect for you has never been higher. Someday, god willing, I'll make it to
960719 -- aluminium.
960720 -- It's time for me to update your objectives, Alice - We need targets that can only be achieved by amazingly hard work plus the constant support of management. - I'm busy, so you'll have to write them yourself. What's wrong with this picture?
960721 -- Dogbert, do you think love is the strongest force in the universe? - No, I'd have to go with stupidity. - Followed closely by its cousin ignorance. - Morning breath is number three. Thanks for reminding me. - Then you've got selfishness, lust,
960721 -- fear, money and luck. - But love is in the top ten, right? - It's fourteenth, right after foolish optimism. - Someone needs his little round back scratched. Do not. - Where's love now? It's down and to the left... LEFT!! LEFT!! LEFT!! Oowahh...
960722 -- Now that job security is a thing of the past, I've noticed that my company loyalty has vanished, too. - And when you made my bonus primarily depend on the blunders of senior management, my motivation fluttered away like a lonely sparrow. - So
960722 -- your point is? - No point. I just didn't have any reason to be working.
960723 -- I may be an ignorant rat, but that's okay because ignorance is...um...um... - *Bliss*...Ignorance is *bliss* - Oh, great. Now it's gone. Oops.
960724 -- I admit I was skeptical when you said I would be empowered to make my own decisions... - But I give you credit. You've let me work indepently for three months... What's that look on your face? - Please tell me that it was empowerment I was
960724 -- experiencing. Did I ever mention that your project was canceled?
960725 -- It looks like we'll release our new product on time, despite its many defects. - We've minimized the economic impact of the defects via an advanced business process called "hoping nobody notices." - And we've doubles our projected income by
960725 -- modifying our assumptions! A lot of this job is mental.
960726 -- Here in the "Dogbert Institute for Advanced Thinking," I have devised a plan for ending poverty. - My plan is to wait until there are so many talk shows on television that all the people with wretched lives can be paid guests. - What about the
960726 -- poor people who don't want to be on talk shows? We'll get the stragglers on "Cops."
960727 -- From now on, I will not try to reason with the idiots I encounter. I will dismiss them by waving my paw and saying "Bah." - Just because someone thinks differently from you doesn't mean he's an idiot, Dogbert. - Bah.
960728 -- The budget trap I need a quick estimate for how much your next project will cost, Wally. - How should I know? You haven't even told me what my next project is. - That's okay. I only need a rough estimate for planning purposes. - I see where
960728 -- this is going. You're going to turn my wild guess into a budget. Later I'll be blamed when it's wrong. - No, no. I won't hold you to these numbers. - Well...Okay, let's say two million dollars. - Oooh...can't afford that. I'll put you down for
960728 -- twenty thousand dollars. - One year later... You're way over budget. Can you show me the cause? It depends. Can mirrors reflect your image?
960729 -- Larry, I'm here to announce my candidacy for supreme ruler of the earth. - That's funny! Tell us about your next movie, Sharon. I'm not Sharon Stone. I said that to get on the show. - So...when I embraced you before the show... I think we're
960729 -- both glad I have no visible mouth.
960730 -- Vote for me and I will reform the tax code so that only idiots have to pay taxes! - YAHOO!! DOGBERT DOGBERT DOGBERT - I hope nobody asks me to define "idiots." ...So, under your plan I wouldn't pay *any* taxes, right?
960731 -- I'm from the association for products that are bad for you. Here's a generous contribution to your campaign. - This is cool! I'll use your money to get elected, then I'll put your entire industry in prison to cover my tracks! - This probably
960731 -- wrecks my chances of being named briber of the month.
960801 -- The votes are in. I've been elected to the position of supreme ruler of earth. - I won in a landslide, thanks to low voter turnout and the fact that I voted for myself many times. - I hope you'll be a benevolent ruler. I think I'll make caning
960801 -- an Olympic event.
960802 -- My dominion over the planet is not widely recognized by the dolts who are breathing my air. - SO I've declared total sovereignty over a small, ever-widening zone surrounding my body. - How big is the zone? You have just entered Dogbert-Land.
960802 -- Pleas show your passport and leave the oxygen alone!
960803 -- If we are to succeed, you must become change masters in an ever-changing, change-adaptive environment. - Let me get this straight...Every change seems to increase our workload while decreasing our job security and real earnings after
960803 -- inflation... - And the problem is *our* lack of flexibility? - Not entirely. There's also your bad morale.
960804 -- Carol, from now on I'd like you to type up all my incoming voice mail so I can just read it. - And print out all of my E-Mail every day so I don't have to log on to the network. - And get me a sandwich from the cafeteria. Ooh, no cash. I'll pay
960804 -- you back. - Do you want me to prechew the sandwich or can you handle that on your own? - Listen up, you overpaid engineers... - By order of our reclusive boss, the new dress code for engineers is bumblebee costumes. - If you don't believe me,
960804 -- send him voice mail and ask for yourself. Oh, and he wants you to buy him a sandwich. - Still no messages this week? Is everybody out sick? I heard they have hives.
960805 -- Tom, you delicious hunk of burning love: if you were in my cubicle right now I'd... - It looks as if I'm working. Nobody can tell that I'm sending steamy E-Mail to my new boyfriend. - Tina, two things: Watch out for the "send to all" address,
960805 -- and thank you very much.
960806 -- I accidentally send my torrid love letter to every person on our E-Mail system. - Should I hide forever or can I count on the professionalism of my co-workers? - We'll complete our "career day" tour with an exhibit that I call "Tina, the
960806 -- red-faced monkey of love." It's hiding.
960807 -- Catbert: Evil HR Director It has come to my attention that you use company resources to send E-Mail to your boyfriend. - I'm willing to overlook this ugly incident in exchange for five minutes of quality petting my soft, furry belly. - This
960807 -- seems so wrong. Try using both hands.
960808 -- It's time to do peer-performance reviews! - Remember, there's a limited budget for raises. Your best strategy is to slander your co-workers so there's more money for you! - I plan to say very nice things about *you*. Nice try, weasel-boy.
960808 -- Managing is easy when you hate the employees.
960809 -- Wally, these peer reviews are like the famous "prisoner's dilemma." - If you rat on me but I say good things about you, you get the biggest raise. But if we praise each other we can *both* get a small raise. - Wally, if you rat him out, I'll
960809 -- let you look at my "Victoria's Secret" catalog. This is exactly why there are no coed prisons.
960810 -- You employees are the key to our success. - Anytime we need a little stock-price boost, we just fire another batch of you. It's like printing money! - In fact, "incompetence" has become our most profitable product. Wow. It beat out "lying to
960810 -- customers."
960811 ** This voice-mail message is for the whole department. - Every morning from now on you'll get my "quality thought of the day." - Today's thought is...um... - Let's see...according to Webster's Dictionary... - Aardwark is a burrowing African
960811 ** mammal that eats ants. What if we were more like that? - I mean like the aardvark, not the ants... - That's weird. Every time I leave my quality thought of the day, the shared printer starts spewing resumes.
960812 -- Catbert: Evil HR director Hey, Wally... Big layoffs coming. - I've seen the list. I know more about your future than you do. But it's a secret. - Sadly, cats don't keep secret very well. Nice chair.
960813 -- We don't do "layoffs" at this company. But *you* have been selected to participate in our mobility pool! - As the name implies, you get to scurry around trying to find a nonexistant internal job before the ax falls. - How's this different from
960813 -- a layoff? With layoffs you get to keep your dignity.
960814 -- I hear you're on the layoff list, Wally. Has anyone claimed your chair, yet? - I claimed it a few minutes ago. LIAR! - I guess it's true what they say about layoffs being hard on the survivors.
960815 -- Dogbert: Career Counselor I was fired once, but I came back as a contract employee. Later I was rehired at a higher salary. - Now I'm being downsized again. Do you think they'll be dumb enough to hire me a third time? - Your story reminds me
960815 -- of the parable of the and and the spider. Really? How? - They're both boring.
960816 -- Dogbert: Career Counselor The company won't lay you off if enough people quit first. - Your best strategy is to convince your co-workers that their jobs are intolerable. - We do this for all the young employees, Asok. I'll capture on video the
960816 -- exact moment that your life force leaves your body.
960817 -- Good news, Wally. Most of our smart employees quit to get much better jobs elsewhere. Now we don't have to do any downsizing. - your job is safe. We need you to do the work of all the people who left. - Is it just me...or is the quality of
960817 -- "good news" really going downhill lately? I'd have to say you're both going downhill.
960818 -- People are getting stupider every day, relatively speaking. - The complexity of the world is increasing geometrically. - But your ability to learn is at the same slow trickle it has allay been. - Information is gushing toward your brain
960818 -- like a firehose aimed at a teacup. - You're at a crossroads in history. Even the smartest among you has become "functionally stupid." - Your only hope is to choose a leader whose vision can penetrate the thick fog of human incompetence. -
960818 -- DOGBERT FOR SUPREME RULER OF EARTH!! - Do you want my opinion? What are the odds of that?
960819 -- I've hit the glass ceiling. I'll never be promoted again. - That's because you're not willing to "play the game." You have to look and act like the person who can promote you. - Ooo-la la! This had better work.
960820 -- My idea is that everyone should be required to use smaller fonts. That way we'll save disk space. - And I've noticed that many people use entire colons in situations where a semicolon would do just fine. - You're right. That was fun. The
960820 -- real fun starts when he describes his new ideas at the next staff meeting.
960821 -- I invented a new data encryption program called P.H.B. which stands for pointy-haired boss. - It converts E-Mail into manager babble. Nobody can intercept and decode my private messages without the key. Who would want to read *your*
960821 -- messages? - Somebody *might* want to read my messages. It could happen! And maybe you should carry pepper spray in case supermodels try to kiss you.
960822 -- I am only a lowly intern, but I see an obvious solution to your problem. - Just click here...Clear your buffers and initialize the link...Now use this code patch for the memory leak. - This is funny if I consider that your salary is twice
960822 -- as much as mine. - I'm laughing on the inside.
960823 -- Asok the intern I came over the weekend and looked at the design you've been working with all year. - It turn out you could have built the unit at half the cost with just one minor change. - Is it true I can win awards for this sort of
960823 -- thing? Fetch the internapult.
960824 -- I'm going to use bad grammar more often. - My leadership will change the language through the principle of common usage. - And I won't stop until the entire language is reduced to a grunting and pointing! BUWAHAHA-HA!! I really got ripped
960824 -- off by that dog obedience school.
960825 -- Our senior vice president will be dropping in today. - Remember to increase your lies accordingly. - And decrease the details you provide. - If I think you're being too informative, I'll signal by fidgeting. - Just say everything is fine,
960825 -- but we need more funding. Here he comes. - Sorry I'm late. How is everyone? - I'm not saying. I'm fine, but I need more funding. I have a wide variety of super powers. - I feel a sudden, urgent need to unload my stock option. Fidget fidget.
960826 -- Catbert the HR director Morale is low because the employees are underpaid. - You can compensate by having more frequent performance reviews. They love feedback. - The hardest part is keeping a straight face. Tell me again why I'd want
960826 -- morale to be high?
960827 -- Good news, Alice. I'm going to have quarterly performance reviews to boost morale. - Wow! In addition to working sixteen hours a day in this big box, now I'll get 300% more criticism! - I'll have a chance to hear employee concerns four
960827 -- times a year. I assume comprehension will remain on the bicentennial plan.
960828 -- At first I thought you committed me to an impossible deadline. But I have a theoretical solution. - It involves flying around the earth so fast I can travel back into the past. - And then you'll have enough time? No, then I'll give you
960828 -- parents this pamphlet on contraception.
960829 -- ...So the salesperson made an idiotic promise to our customer. Now it's *my* job to fix it. The brain is an amazing thing. - Are you saying that if I use the untapped power of my brain, there's a solution? - No, I'm saying my amazing brain
960829 -- filtered out your boring story so I could enjoy my walk.
960830 -- I've become one of those people who misinterprets everything you say. Why? - Why? Are you saying that nothing should ever change? Maybe you shouldn't be so rigid. - This could be very annoying. Maybe you should see a therapist for your
960830 -- emotional problem.
960831 -- I hear you're becoming an annoying person who misinterprets everything. Yes, I'm more assertive. - I said annoying, not assertive. Apology accepted. - Whatever you do, don't climb in this clothes dryer. Yeah, it does look cozy in there.
960901 -- In this two day workshop, you will learn to embrace our company's mission and vision. - At first glance it will appear to be a bunch of useless jargon created bay functionally illiterate executives. - But after we do some mind-numbing
960901 -- group exercises... - ...you'll forget that you're underpaid and you have no job security. - We'll begin by writing down all the things that "ethical behavior" means to you. - I've got a better idea: If you let us leave now, we'll give you
960901 -- high marks on the class evaluation. - Ethical Behavior - Good job. You touched me. You wish.
960902 -- Why do you want a job as our network administrator, Mister Dogbert? - I don't like people. This is a good opportunity to annoy idiots such as yourself for my own entertainment. - Wow. You're perfect. Can you star tomorrow? Sure, as far as
960902 -- you know. I'll give you my pager number.
960903 -- I got hired as the network administrator for your company. - Here's my card. You can only reach me by E-Mail or by pager. - When the network breaks, no E-Mail. I'll just sit around and wag my tail. - Your pager number has a tilde... How do
960903 -- I dial a tilde?
960904 -- Network administrator I have total access to every employee's E-Mail messages. - With a few strategic edits I will transform the office into "Melrose Place." - Yes, Alice... I *will* be your "monkey of love."
960905 -- Network administrator I have forgotten my password. I humbly beg for assistance. - I have no time for boring administrative tasks, you fool! I'm busy upgrading the network! - You could have given me a new password in the time it took to
960905 -- belittle me. Yes, but which option would give me job satisfaction?
960906 -- As network administrator I can take down the network with a keystroke. - AAGH!! WAAA!!! AEEE!! EEEK!! MY WORK!! - It's just like being a doctor but without getting gooky stuff on my paws.
960907 -- The Network administrator Can you program the routers to block employees from all fun web sites? - Why stop here? I can program the routers to block *all* useless activities. How long will that take? - Done. I've seen your business plan.
960907 -- Poink
960908 -- Tina, we need a few minor edits on our product brochure. Minor? Uh-oh... - We've discovered that our product causes hallucinations and sterility. - See if you can put a positive spin on that. - This will be my greatest writing challenge
960908 -- yet. - "Are you tired of the same old sights? We've got you covered." - "...makes a great gift for those people who - in your opinion - should not reproduce." - Ooh.. I feel a tiny pang of conscience. That's one. - So the brochure was only
960908 -- a three-pager? Yeah, and I think I faked the third one.
960909 -- I've hired the "Dogbert Touchy-Feely Institute" to teach us about teamwork. - We'll start with an exercise about trust. I want each of you to sign blank checks and give them to me. - What will this teach us about trust?  It will teach you
960909 -- that trust is an excellent quality for other people to have.
960910 -- Teambuilding exercisee This exercise will build trust. The partner in front will fall. The partner behind will break the fall. - - Okay, maybe trust isn't your biggest problem here. %*#!!*
960911 -- Teambuilding exercise This next exercise will challenge your ability to solve problems as a team. - Build a working sundial using only a pencil and a donut. - Four hours later... One more bite isn't going to make any difference. SOB
960912 -- Teambuilding exercise It's hopeless! You're losers! We'll never make a sundial out of a pencil and an eaten donut! - Hee Hee! All you had to do was stick the pencil in the donut. - We just broke all kinds of union rules. But hey! Look at
960912 -- the shadow from the pencil!
........
960914 -- In today's news, our company has decided to buy another dying company in a business we don't fully understand. - Our stock rose five points on the announcement. - Why does our stock go up every time we do something boneheaded? I like to
960914 -- think of it as our competitive advantage.
960915 -- Mr Catbert, our evil director of human resources, will describe our new cubicle plan. - Last year we reduced the size of cubicles in the densification project. - We didn't save much money, but we did lower morale. - This year we'll build on
960915 -- that success... - With the patented "Head Cubicle." - Hold still, Wally. - And the head cubicle can be recycled after you're downsized! - We really need to draw the line at some point. While we still have our dignity.
960916 -- On weekends I'll feel my pager vibrate...but when I go to check it, I realize I'm not wearing it. - It's a classic case of phantom-pager syndrome. It's common among technology workers. - There's no treatment for it. I don't want to treat
960916 -- it. I want to relocate it.
960917 -- When the year 2000 comes, your computers will think it's the year "00" and cause major problems. - The Dogbert consulting company can fix the problem for only ten million dollars. Our work is guaranteed for one full year, starting today. -
960917 -- But why should I care? The year "00" is before I'm born. Amazing...you'd actually have to be *smarter* to do something *stupid*.
960918 -- Ratbert, your job is to review eighty million lines of computer code in the company's systems. - You're looking for any reference to the current year. Those pieces of code will be a problem when the year is 2000. Gotcha - Six months later
960918 -- I'm happy to report that the date did not show up once. In fact, it was all just zeros and ones! Oops.
960919 -- Here's my invoice for fixing your "Year 2000" computer problems. - AAAEE!!! - ...So his head spun, but *didn't* explode? Yeah. I guess I left some money on the table.
960920 -- Tina the technical writer To insert a column, click the insert column menu. - But let's be honest, userboy, if you need to be told *that*, you're too stupid to use this product. - Have you reviewed the draft yet? I'm up to the chapter
960920 -- titled "Duh."
960921 -- I've got an idea. Let's add a battery backup to our product. - One...Two...Three - I've got an idea. Why don't we add a battery backup to our product? Because our product doesn't use electricity.
960922 -- It's time to use my speakerphone to do voice mail. - I can't remember if I use the speakerphone because I'm inconsiderate or I'm too stupid to know how annoying it is. - I'll leave that question to the philosophers. - HI. THANKS FOR THE
960922 -- INFORMATION. TALK TO YOU LATER!!! - DID I TELL YOU ABOUT MY CYST? Dogbert, send Bob the dinosaur quickly! E-Mail sent - I'm here to deliver a wedgie. Use the service elevator. - Yank! AAEEE!! - What's the best part -- The look on their
960922 -- faces or the way they yell? I'll leave that question to the philosophers.
960923 -- I don't know how to fix any of the problems in this company. Maybe I'll just sit here quietly. - No, that wouldn't look managerly... I'll have to do something idiotic and hope it looks like leadership. - We're going to have an "iron man"
960923 -- team-building competition. What a bunch of leadership...
960924 -- My boss is making the engineers compete in an "iron man" event. It's supposed to improve teamwork. - I'm glad I take the stairs sometimes instead of using the elevator. I'm in pretty good shape. - Yes, you are, to the extent potato is a
960924 -- pretty good shape. I just wrenched a muscle.
960925 -- The first leg of the "iron man" team-building exercise is a ten-mile swim, I think. - I won't be participating because my teamwork skills are already excellent. - Two phrases you don't expect to hear in the same day are "iron man" and
960925 -- "doggie paddle." Hey! No splashing!
960926 -- The team-building exercise Uh-oh...I'm a mile from shore and too exhausted to swim back. - My only hope is that an intelligent dolphin will se my plight and rescue me. - I'm in luck! Two words: Tuna...Net.
960927 -- Some dolphins in my situation would help you get to shore safely. - Others might try to distract you while an accomplice played a cruel joke. - COME BACK WITH MY TRUNKS!!! Let's ask the humming fish to do the "jaws" theme song.
960928 -- ...There I was, naked and exhausted, miles from shore. Dolphins taunted me for hours. - Suddenly a deep sea sport fishing boat happened by. I grabbed the line and held on for my life. Wow! That's lucky. - That's what I thought...until the
960928 -- second time they threw me back in. I meant lucky for them.
960929 -- Groan. Accounting - I saved $500 in airfare by extending my business trip to  Saturday. - Why won't you reimburse me for the Saturday hotel costs? - Saturday was not a business-related activity. - Hmm...let me see if I understand this... - It's
960929 -- not business-related to make sensible economic choices... - But it is business-related to waste money like an ugly, brain-dead troll... - Then he beat me up and took my lunch money. Are you saying I can get free lunch money by beating you up?
960930 -- Catbert, evil HR director I need to hire a programmer for my project team. - Our policy is to first seek candidates from within the company. If none is qualified, you must use a sock puppet. - How many of your policies are designed for the sole
960930 -- purpose of satisfying your sadistic tendencies? All of them. Some are just more obvious.
961001 -- We'll be having an ISO9000 audit soon. They'll check to see if we follow our own documented procedures for everything we do. - I've divided our preparation tasks into two groups: unethical and unproductive. - I'll train our department to lie to
961001 -- the auditor. You can document our inane procedures. No fair. You did unethical last time too!
961002 -- Carol, I need to document your procedure for ordering office supplies. It's an ISO9000 requirement. - If someone asks for something, I check the supply cabinet first. Then I say, "there's one left. You can't have it because then we'd be all
961002 -- out." - Then I spend the rest of the day complaining about the person who asked. Uh-oh... I'm out of ink.
961003 -- I need to document your job processes to satisfy our ISO9000 requirements. Okay. - I try to anticipate the shifting political winds. Then I wrap myself in the relevant buzzwords and try to achieve importance without adding value. - What's your
961003 -- job title? Director of ISO9000 quality process design.
961004 -- Your product looks good, but you can't be our supplier unless your company is ISO9000 certified. - So... You don't care how bad our internal processes are, as long as they're well-documented and used consistently? - That's right. Our documented
961004 -- process says I must now laugh in your face and double our price.
961005 -- You know what's funny? I'll tell you. - You're working hard. I'm doing nothing. In a hundred years we'll both be dead. - You might not have to wait that long. I think I'll spread some joy over this way.
961006 -- Nobody has nominated a co-worker for a special achievement award. - Someone in this group must have done *something* good this year. - No...I don't think so. We'd remember something like that. - This looks bad. All the other departments are
961006 -- giving themselves awards. - We might have to lower our standards a bit. I've been proactive in that area. - Why are we standing in the hallway? - We think the room is locked. We don't have the key. - Later that month This award goes to Alice
961006 -- for boldly trying the door knob. When I find out who nominated me...
961007 -- You'll head our technology alliance with a small Silicon Valley start-up. - Their corporate culture is a bit different from ours. Try to be flexible. - I've never seen a pierced brain before. I think I'll call you "Mister Conservative."
961008 -- Strategic Alliance These are the procedures my company uses to approve projects. - I guess a small company such as yours is used to flying by the seat of the pants. Not necessarily. - You mean you're flexible? I mean I'm not wearing pants.
961009 -- Our strategic alliance is working well. My company provides amazing technical skill and your company... - ...has a seemingly endless supply of three-ring binders. - Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated. It it true that if your name is
961009 -- written in a binder you loose your soul?
961010 -- Issue one: Our two companies have very different corporate cultures. Strategic Alliance Issues - While you were droning I slammed out some beta code and put it on the Internet for comments. - My company prefers to have that kind of decision
961010 -- made by uninformed executives. We call it "Empowerment." I'll mention that in the press release.
961011 -- The status of our strategic alliance is "doomed." doomed - Our ponderous and inefficient management style caused their best people to quit and create a competing company. - We must find a way to destroy that new company. I'll se if they're
961011 -- interested in a strategic alliance.
961012 -- Catbert, evil H.R. director When I'm in a bad mood, I like to think of ways to humiliate the employees. - Hmm...how about an employee recognition program with a thoroughly worthless award. purrr purrr purrr - It's pocket lint from a vice
961012 -- president's trousers. He was wearing them on the day he left for a better job.
961013 -- Alice, your performance this year is "meets expectations." You get a two percent raise. - MEETS EXPECTATIONS?! I worked eighty hours every week! - Yeah...Well, I expected that. - I earned three patents this year! The company will make
961013 -- millions!! - Really? Wow. I mean... I expected that too. - I donated bone marrow to our biggest customer!!! TWICE!!! - I noted that under "attendance problem." - I told you the bone marrow thing would haunt you. I'm starting to think the time I
961013 -- worked through lunch was for nothing.
961014 -- Alice, I'm putting you in charge of developing our booth for the big trade show. - I picked you because the males in the department have disqualified themselves through a process of strategic incompetence. - What is strategic incompetence? I had
961014 -- written down someplace, but I lost it.
961015 -- If you plan to have a booth at the trade show, you need the "Dogbert Trade-Show Consulting Company" to design it. - I recommend the deluxe booth. It's guaranteed to generate the most revenue. - How would the deluxe booth generate more revenue
961015 -- for my company? Oh, suddenly this is about *your* company?
961016 -- Your booth at the trade show must be attention-grabbing. You have several option. - 1. Magic tricks 2. Special effects 3. Raffles 4. Booth babes - For the best result, combine all four: Create the illusion that you're raffling off the booth
961016 -- babes. Booth babes?
961017 -- Our consultant suggested putting attractive women in our booth at the trade show. - I rejected that idea. It is sexist and demeaning. I have a better idea to increase traffic to our booth. - What's the dental floss for? It's your thong bikini.
961017 -- You'll stand in front of our competitor's booth.
961018 -- At the trade show What kind of free stuff do you have? - Cheap pens? That's original. Okay, fill 'er up. But I'm afraid I can't give you any eye contact. - That's enough industry research for today. It's time to hit the buffet.
961019 -- At the trade show What can you tell me about your products? - Our products are defective, much like yourself. - I probably shouldn't have stayed up all night setting up the booth. What are you doing later?
961020 -- My project is right on plan. - It began last week as a bad idea from somebody in senior management. - Thanks to my leadership, it is already an object of widespread mockery and derision. - As I speak, our lawyers are purging every last trace of
961020 -- value it might have had. - With luck, the project will be a gigantic failure in a month. - People will forget my failure and remember that I'm experienced. Promotions will follow. YES!! - In six months I'll be dating an executive secretary
961020 -- named Yvonne. Good plan. - Wally, have you ever read our mission statement? Yeah, but I don't subscribe to a literal interpretation.
961021 -- On the surface, you seem to make some good points about technology... Click Click Click - But your E-Mail address reveals your newbie identity. You're probably a goat herder or a cartoonist. Click Click Click - How does it feel to be an elitist
961021 -- technology bigot? I prefer to think of myself as a technology "have."
961022 -- Thanks for the meeting. Here's my card. - You call that an E-Mail address? It's eighty characters long and mostly meaningless. - People with embarrassing E-Mail systems... I tell people, the reply function doesn't work. You have to type in my
961022 -- address." Loser.
961023 -- Catbert: Evil H.R. director I feel like committing random acts of catness. - Woman in suit approaching...activate purring and shedding. Purr Purr Purr - So, Alice, how long does it take to curl and style a suit like that? Do you dry-clean it or
961023 -- just give it a perm?
961024 -- The cubicle warrior prepares for a battle. - Fighting, fighting against the overwhelming boredom! - When my grandchildren ask me what I did for a living, I'm going to lie. I usually tell people you're a hobo.
961025 -- Catbert: Evil H.R. director Wally, you've been too busy to get the required forty hours of training this year. - So I hired a contract employee to help you out. When does it start? - Yesterday. He already finished eighty hours of your training.
961026 -- I'm a manager, so I don't do actual work... - And all the decisions are made above me... - Carole, tell me again what I produce. Carbon dioxide. Our plants would need that if they weren't plastic.
961027 -- Alice, I'd like you to meet the newest member of my management team. - Keith is highly qualified, he has a masters in business administration. - Very impressive. They must have taught you a lot about motivating employees. Not really. -
961027 -- Well.. You probably learned how to identify and hire good people, right? That might have been optional reading. - Did you learn negotiation skills? No. Strategic Thinking? No. Business writing? No. - It was mostly finance and accounting.
961027 -- and economics. - So, you're a highly qualified leader because... you're good at math? - What should I do here? In these situations I like to use swearing.
961028 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director Hey, Wally, is there anything you still like about working here? - Um... I like making popcorn in the microwave and eating it while I pretend to work. - Your body language tells me that something evil is going
961028 -- to happen to my popcorn privileges. I love my job.
961029 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director *To: all employees* The smell of popcorn in the office is unprofessional... - He's banning popcorn! First it was tobacco, then perfume, now this... There's only one pollutant left. - ...This brings me to the
961029 -- unpleasant subject of Wally...
961030 -- This award goes to Tim for his incredible accomplishment. - After two days of stonewalling all progress, Tim finally agreed to do the work for which he was hired. - We look forward to working with Tim in the coming year. As if I'd have
961030 -- time for that.
961031 -- This next award goes to Kim for her exceptional work. - Kim worked evenings and weekends to fix the problems that were caused by her own incompetence. - And it looks like Kim has a full plate for the coming year, too. Which side faces the
961031 -- wall?
961101 -- Clip Clip Clip Clip Clip Clip Oh, no...It's the maddening sound of Wally clipping his nails. - The sound makes me crazy, but I can't complain because it would sound silly. Must... Must... Clip Clip Clip Clip Clip Clip - You made your own
961101 -- screensaver? It's called "Wally's 101 annoying cubicle sounds." Slurp! Mmm...
961102 -- What are you doing in the marketing department. It's an experiment. - I sneak down here once a week and move this guy's cubicle wall in by a quarter-inch. - What's this experiment going to prove? I forget. It's been a long time.
961103 -- Mmm...soon you will be mine, little chocolate bar. I think I have exact change. - I can smell it through the wrapper. Here's a nickel. - I rub it on my arm to get the total body experience. No, that's breath mint. - I am transformed to
961103 -- another dimension. Ooh, a roll of pennies...No, lipstick. - I'll give you a check. Where's that checkbook? - SNATCH - STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP - What a funny day to forget my wallet.
961104 -- The Dogbert Consulting Company will add credibility to your own selfish and idiotic opinions. - For example, your current budget should be...um... Doubled Doubled. It should be doubled. - Hey, what's that tingle I feel all over my body?!!
961104 -- Credibility. If you want another hit, it'll cost you.
961105 -- I hired the Dogbert Consulting Company to add credibility to my decisions. - As my analysis shows, it's much better to give your money to me than to waste it on future downsizees such as yourselves. - What analysis? This is a page ripped out
961105 -- of the magazine in our lobby. Perhaps you should upgrade to my deluxe service.
961106 -- I've decided to date other men. - NOOO!!! DON'T BREAK UP WITH ME! I'm not. I just want to date other men at the same time. - I am *not* happy right now. That's exactly why I need a spare.
961107 -- Liz started dating other men. Two can play at that game. - I will use the power of the Internet to find a hot babe. Ah! There's one. - She wants your credit card number. Ooh! She's inquisitive. I like that.
961108 -- Men who understand technology are the new sex symbols. Your online personals ad should emphasize your technical prowess. - How about "looking for woman who likes moonlit walks so I'll have more time alone with my computer"? - And "must
961108 -- like to dance." That's so I won't get a flabby, u ncoordinated applicant. Don't call them "applicants" on the first date.
961109 -- You have to move slowly with these online relationships. I'll ask her what she likes to do for fun. - YIPE! - You'd think that a woman named Madame Cruella would compensate by being extra nice.
961110 -- I've been offered a promotion in another department. - Fantasy I'm outta here, you worthless piece of snail crud!! HA HA HA HA HA HA !!! - Reality I meekly request to be released from my current assignment. - Fantasy I would never stand in
961110 -- your way. Congratulations! - Reality I can't release you. You're too valuable. - Fantasy If I'm so valuable, explain my last raise!!! - Reality In fact, I have *another* valuable assignment for you. Stunned silence - I'm doing a survey to
961110 -- find out why morale is so low. I think it's your breath.
961111 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director There are two ways to get an extra engineer for your project. - You can transfer some unqualified loser from within the company... Or? - Not so fast. I like to savor the moment before I crush your misplaced
961111 -- optimism.
961112 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director Here are the resumes of highly qualified applicants for your opening. - It's too bad we don't pay enough to hire qualified applicants. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!! ZIP -- Let's see...we've got resumes in
961112 -- pencil...crayon...pencil...eyeliner... Hey! Dot matrix!
961113 -- We like to ask our applicants some questions that will allow us to see how you think. - If you have a five-gallon bucket and a fifty-gallon bucket, how can you tell which one holds more water? - When I said, "see how you think," what I
961113 -- meant was... Ow! Ow! Ow!
961114 -- Your resume looks good, but we could only pay half of what you're making now. Are you interested? - So...you're looking for a brilliant engineer who is actively seeking a pay cut? - Well, you have to consider the many intangibles. Such as
961114 -- my savings account if I worked here?
961115 -- If you were hired, what would be your long-range career goal? - I'd have your job in six months- In a year you'd be working for me, you big pile of dinosaur dung. - I see you attended an all women's college. Does that experience really
961115 -- make you more confident and assertive? Either arm. Let's go.
961116 -- So tell me...Brian...why do you want to work for this company? - Well, to be honest, I don't. I'm using this as a practice interview. - I guess we're done here. Hello-o-o!!! It's lunch time and I don't see sandwiches.
961117 -- The powerful leader enters cubeville to inspire the wretched underlings. - He spots one of the little people in desperate need of a morale boost. - The leader carefully assesses the situation. Every solution is unique. - Try identifying
961117 -- the problem and the solving it. - The leader waits while the brilliance of his contribution sinks in. - That's a much better idea than what I was doing. - I've been sitting here all day randomly pressing keys, but you've shown me a better
961117 -- way. - Suddenly the leader remembers why he really visits cubeville. My morale is soaring.
961118 -- Catbert, evil H.R. director Are you stressed out, Wally? I have a solution. - Start smoking. That way you'll have frequent company-sanctioned breaks throughout the day. - This is your strategy for downsizing, isn't it? Try it, you big
961118 -- wuss.
961119 -- I've decided to start smoking. I'll be able to take more breaks that way. - And frankly, I'm hoping it will add an interesting edge to my personality and help me socially. - Not that I need any help. I can only hope that your personal
961119 -- magnetism won't erase my hard drive.
961120 -- Here's my first cigarette ever. I'm looking forward to the many smoking breaks I'm entitled to. - I'll probably see you three times a day, just smoking and chatting and enjoying the fresh air! - I assume you light the color-coded end,
961120 -- right? I quit.
961121 -- According to the ads, this brand of cigarette will be like mountain biking past a sparkling waterfall. - Puff Puff Puff - Are you getting that weird "smokers' cognitive dissonance" yet? - Man, this mountain biking is overrated.
961122 -- How do you like your new smoking habit? - My teeth turned yellow, my breath is putrid, I'm a social outcast, I'm going broke, and my house burned down. - So you're going to quit? No, I'm trying to take a long term view of it.
961123 -- I never noticed this warning label on my cigarettes before. - "If this product doesn't kill you right away, the executives of our company will drive over to your house and finish the job. We know where you live, Wally. Quit now!" - Why am
961123 -- I paying for a color printer? - It's also an air freshener if you know how to use it.
961124 -- Last week our consultants warned us about a serious threat. - They said our competitors would "eat our lunch." Eat our lunch - I'm happy to tell the executive committee that I leapt into action. - I hired a security guard to protect the
961124 -- cafeteria. - Our lunches are safe. - I always thought that was just a figure of speech. Fool! Give me your department! - Let go of my hair!! SLAP OUCH!! This is going better than usual. - Why is the cafeteria closed? Someone ate all the
961124 -- lunches. Burp
961125 -- When will my raise be effective? - The same time you are. - The evil Mr. Catbert, director of H.R., is feeling "in the zone." It's as if all the employees are moving in slow motion.
961126 -- Whenever we disagree, I always end up yelling. - That's an indication that you have poor interpersonal skills. I'm sending you to a class to improve them. - It looks like you've gained weight. Would it help if I started jogging? This is
961126 -- exactly what I'm talking about.
961127 -- Dogbert's school for interpersonal skills The secret to good relationships is to be a huge phony. - Let's practice the three fundamentals. Loud Simple Smiley - HEY, HOW ABOUT THAT LOW-PRESSURE SYSTEM, HUH?!! Again, but this time say
961127 -- "weather."
961128 -- This lesson in interpersonal skills involves listening to a stupid person without rolling your eyes. - My computer screen says, "Press any key to continue." Can I borrow your keys? Mine are locked in my Yugo. - Must focus...must...focus...
961128 -- I could break the driver's side window...but it's bad enough that the windshield is gone.
961129 -- Here's my presentation package. I worked twelve straight hours on it. - That includes three hours of creativity followed by nine hours of stupor, senseless twiddling and outright dementia. - I suppose there's only one thing that could make
961129 -- this presentation worse. Send it around for comments.
961130 -- I found many areas for improvement in your document, Alice. - I'm only an intern, but these errors stand out like huge, red, blinking lights. - You could put this on top of an ambulance as a warning. I was thinking the same thing about
961130 -- you.
961201 -- Catbert the evil director of human resources My tail is twitching... - That can only mean it's time to write some more evil policies. - To: all employees: new policy - Employees must wear shoes that are one size smaller than their feet. - This
961201 -- will reduce wear and tear on carpets by 5% - This is may favorite part. We must do this to be competitive. - I'm a reporter for "evil hr politics weekly." Do you have any success stories? purr purr - This is how industry practices are born Has
961201 -- anyone complained about the "footsizing" program? I haven't listened to a single complaint.
961202 -- This metric shows an excellent trend in the number of days since the beginning of my project. - That growth rate compare favorably with the best companies in our time zone. - I'm working smarter, not harder. It's a whole new paradigm.
961203 -- I'm going to enter a profession that will make a huge difference in my self-esteem. - I'll be a corporate trainer in a company that's downsizing. - Are you sure that will raise your self-esteem? Why would I want to *raise* it?
961204 -- I'm looking for a new corporate trainer to help me teach classes in stress reduction, conflict resolution, and teamwork. - I'LL BURN IN HELL BEFORE I'LL DO YOUR WORK PLUS MY OWN, YOU FILTHY WEASEL!!! - And they hired you? A good trainer doesn't
961204 -- have to be a subject matter expert.
961205 -- Ratbert, corporate trainer Pssst! - I'm the grim downsizer. Trainers are the first to go. I'll just hang around here until the next budget cuts. - Do you mind if I sit in your stress-reduction class? I don't think I'll read the class evaluation
961205 -- forms from this one.
961206 -- Ratbert, corporate trainer Let's go around the room and say who we are and what we hope to get out of the class. - I'm the grim downsizer. I'm here to decruit the entire training department plus all of the people who have time to attend the
961206 -- classes. - My name is Dilbert. I'm here in place of Wally who is working hard to build a better tomorrow. Nice try. I'm somebody else to.
961207 -- You're being downsized, Ratbert. Fortunately, there's a generous retirement plan. - Let's see.. For your length of employment, at your grade level...you get a wall calendar. - When do I get it? As soon as I'm done with it.
961208 -- Our pointy-haired boss will be joining us by speakerphone. - This is an important part of your engineering training, Asok. What do I do? - When Alice presses the mute button, you make witty and sarcastic remarks. ring ring - Hello, everyone.
961208 -- I'd like to talk about the new company plan. - Tell us some lies, you ugly, two-faced, hypocritical troll! - I am Asok the intern and I spit on your feeble compensation plan! - I've found stuff on the bottom of my shoe that was smarter than
961208 -- you!! HA HA HA!!! - Next time, a bit wittier...and make sure Alice really presses the mute button.
961209 -- Catbert, evil h.r. director The mandatory unpaid overtime is immoral. It's destroying the quality of my life. - Alice, Alice, Alice... Companies are designed to maximize stockholder value, not employee happiness. - Maybe the head of human
961209 -- resources should be a human. Privately I refer to myself as the director of disgruntled cat toys.
961210 -- Dogbert the consultant Let me do the talking when we meet with your boss. - As you know, any idea from the pointy-haired wonder is crud, but when you add my ability, what do you have? - Crudability? And good looks too!
961211 -- Your first draft was boring, so I added a bunch of exclamation points. - Wow! Those exclamation points make this technical document come alive! - This might be that sarcasm thing I keep hearing about. I'm in the presence of genius! I beg you to
961211 -- father of my children!
961212 -- I'm flattered. But I can't date you because we're different religions. - I'm flexible. I'd change my religion to get a date. It wouldn't work in this case. - Did you know there's a religion based on not dating me? Where do you think I go every
961212 -- Sunday?
961213 -- We must change our culture of cynism and negativism. - You two will be the "happiness committee." Come up with some ideas to improve morale. - So far we've got: 1) raises, 2) slap-the-boss day and 3) nude Fridays. I feel the cynism melting away
961213 -- already.
961214 -- After I graduate from "quality school" I'll be a quality blackbelt master. - Is the title metaphoric, or is there a chance you'll be beaten senseless during a breakout session? Zip zip zip zip. - Was that necessary? I'm not sure. I haven't done
961214 -- the pre-course reading yet.
961215 -- I made an upgrade to your product design. - This would make the product overheat. - Let's try to look at the big picture. - Okay... let's see... Your upgrade has no benefits and it costs more. - The overheating would start office fires and put
961215 -- all of our customers out of business. - If our sales are strong, we could create economic chaos and a global firestorm. - Your "upgrade" would destroy civilization as we know it. Keep me informed. - So you're going to end civilization as we
961215 -- know it? I don't think I'll miss it, frankly.
961216 -- Our Elbonian database product can replace every one of your current systems. No thanks. - It can do payroll, accounts receivable, inventory, sales... No thanks. - And I'll throw in some golf balls. It's a deal! Just toss them in the lake with
961216 -- all my other ones.
961217 -- We're going to replace our computer support systems with the Elbonian database. - It's risky, but don't worry. I've hired an outrageously expensive consultant who has never done this before. - I earned five hundred dollars just coming to this
961217 -- meeting. How's *your* day going? It won't make my top ten.
961218 -- Ratbert the consultant I don't know much about computers so I compensate by being extremely exuberant. - YES!! YES!! COMPUTERS!! WAHOO!!! - Hey look! It's not my fault! It's some guy named "general protection." It's time for your flying
961218 -- lessons.
961219 -- As a consultant, I earn $150 per hour even when I'm unproductive. - I can earn 42 cents by wiggling my furry little behind for ten seconds. - C'mon, count with me!!! When I imagine my ideal career, It's never like this.
961220 -- Ratbert the consultant ...then we'll turn off the existing computer systems and fire up the new one. - What if the new system doesn't work on the first try? Won't the economic impact be devastating? - Let me check my contract... Nope. I get
961220 -- paid exactly the same. Yeah, same here.
961221 -- I am only an intern, but may I make a suggestion? - The Elbonian database system you're installing for our company will never work... unless I rewrite the entire thing with just six keystrokes...done - I thought this was only possible in bad
961221 -- movies. Hey, let's hack into NATO's system. I can guess their password in three tries.
961222 -- Today is your ten-year service anniversary, Wally. - Pick a gift from the service anniversary catalog. - Is there a ceremony? Yeah. We just had it. - May I say a few words? Anywhere but here. - The selection of gifts at the ten-year level is
961222 -- somewhat meager. - The golf ball is nice. I'm leaning toward the "I'm with stupid" shirt. - All I see is a blank shirt. It comes with a fabric pen. - I can almost feel the love our company has for us. What do you mean "us"?
961223 -- I'd like a direct flight...aisle seat...and an upgrade to first class if possible. - The best I can do is to put you in an overhead luggage bin...with one stop in North Korea. - Is it non-smoking? That depends on how accurate the anti-aircraft
961223 -- fire is.
961224 -- This is Marily Vos Savant, the smartest human alive. - She will help you understand your airline "often flier" program. I'm stumped. - After this, could you tell me which phone company saves me most money? My brain's trying to escape; you
961224 -- scared it.
961225 -- This suitcase is the decoy. - While the airline is distracted trying to loose the decoy, I'll sneak aboard with this emergency carry-on bag. - What if they try to make you eat their food? Fake vomit. They'll think I already ate.
961226 -- This bag contains all the mail you've sent me about my "often flier" status. Happy Airlines - I'll trade everything in the bag for a seat upgrade. I'm currently assigned to an overhead bin. Okay - Whew! Disaster has been averted. Are you guys
961226 -- going to the colicky baby convention too?
961227 -- Welcome to the hotel. Allow me to touch your bag so you'll feel obligated to tip me. - I've got to make it through the gauntlet of bag-losing hotel zombies. $ $ - No room?!! I have a reservation!! Oh, that's original.
961228 -- This taxi is yours. Here's a description of how he'll cheat you. - It says you'll be running the meter despite the flat rate. Then you'll feign poor language skills when I question you. - I can't fault your efficiency, though. Whump Whump Whump
961229 -- Dogbert's tech support This is Dogbert. How may I abuse you? - I need to move my cursor to the right but my mouse is at the edge of the mousepad. - Have you tried rebooting without saving your files? - Yeah, several times. - Have you tried
961229 -- moving your desk? - - It didn't work. You need my $800 mousepad upgrade. - What account does this get charged to? "Idiot expense," just like everything else.
961230 -- No rooms?? If the pope showed up, would you have a room for *him*? Yes. - Okay, then give me *his* room! I am so clever. - Let's see how you squirm out of *that* logic, weasel-girl.
961231 -- The business traveler - - When I bought the suit, it said "wrinkle-free" on the wrapper. The wrapper?
970101 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director Hey Wally, I pulled some strings to get you moved to a window cubicle. - It's for my own benefit. I plan to take naps while lying in the sun on top of your head. - Every day this job teaches me that I can get used to
970101 -- anything. zzzzzzz
970102 -- You need a million dollars but I only have authority to sign up for up to ten thousand. - Break it into a hundred separate business cases. - Thank you for your value-added management support. It was nothing.
970103 -- Per your request, my request for a million dollars has been broken into one hundred business cases. - Each one is for ten thousand dollars, which is your exact level of approval authority. - I meant I can approve for anything *under* ten
970103 -- thousand dollars...so if you wouldn't mind... Killing you? No, I wouldn't mind a bit.
970104 -- Our new corporate policy is that all employees must use the products we sell. - AAARGH!!!! WHAT HAVE WE DONE TO DESERVE THIS??!!! - So you're saying that many of these policies are *not* intended to be punishments? You get used to it after you
970104 -- lose your will to live.
970105 -- Alice, I'd like your input on something. - Uh-oh...my intuition is activating the fist of death. Must...control... - Our corporate culture is bad. - I'm trying to find the cause. - Well, obviously the problem isn't caused by managers who have
970105 -- no self-awareness...so what could it be? - The culture problem must be coming from the other direction. Some *employee* must be causing the problem! - I think it's the guy in the mail room. His bad culture is infecting the rest of us. - If it
970105 -- is about that conference room full of mail, I don't know how it got there.
970106 -- I've decided to end my loneliness by getting a mail-order bride from Elbonia. - The photos were grainy, but the advertisement guarantees that she's cute. - Elbonia Blonde. wigs
970107 -- My Elbonian mail-order bride will arrive any day now. Why don't you know the exact date? - Because they're sending her by mail. I wasn't willing to pay for overnight delivery. - She's one lucky gal. I'll probably keep her in the garage. It has
970107 -- a sink.
970108 -- Hey, Wally. I hear you're getting an Elbonian mail-order bride! - It's so sad and pathetic, yet so funny! I feel sorry for her already!  HU-HAHAHA HA HA HA HA HA And people ask why I gave up on local girls.
970109 -- My Elbonian mail-order bride has arrived. - I must keep my expectations low to avoid any disappointment. - Where's the ladies sty? I desperately need to powder my snout.
970110 -- ...so my Elbonian mail-order bride turns out to be a pig with a wig. What a rip-off. - You're taking this well. I'd be mad if I paid for a bride and then I had to send her back. - You did send her back.. B.L.T. ?
970111 -- Wish me lick. I'm off to get my performance review. - Have you been napping? You've got a bad case of keyboard face. - What's wrong with your face? I have quertytis. It's from working too hard.
970112 -- Buying a car You're one tough negotiator. Thanks. - It only took you four hours to get me all the way down to the manufacturer's suggested retail price. - THERE'S NO PROFIT LEFT!!! MY FAMILY WILL GO HUNGRY!! BWAA! BWAA! - Sorry. I assume
970112 -- you want the rust inhibitor coating for only $500. Um...yeah. Rust is bad. - YES!! KA-CHING KA-CHING - Sorry. We also have an invisible spray that protects against scurvy and tax audits. Well...okay. - Initial here if you want your airbag
970112 -- to be full of fresh aspen air instead of gravel. Only $600 - And the lease terms are engraved on this free hood ornament! Be glad they didn't install it.
970113 -- This week I did equal amounts of work and anti-work. For every unit of work I did, I generated an equal amount of unnecessary work for co-workers. I figure I broke even. - Wally, come see me after the staff meeting. Oh, great. You're
970113 -- driving me into negative territory!
970114 -- I didn't read all of the shrink-wrap license agreement on my new software until after I opened it. - Apparently I agreed to spend the rest of my life as a towel boy in Bill Gates' new mansion. Call your lawyer. - Too late. He opened
970114 -- software yesterday. Now he's Bill's laundry boy. It must be dangerous for lawyers to iron pants; they'd always have one hand in a pocket.
970115 -- ...so you didn't read the software license and you inadvertently agreed to be Bill Gates' towel boy in his huge new house. When do we move? - RRRUMBLE! - PREPARE FOR ASSIMILATION. The house has come for me.
970116 -- You have been chosen as Bill Gates' towel boy. But first you must answer this quiz. - You're in a room with three monkeys. One has a banana, one has a stick, one has nothing. Which primate is the smartest? Um... - I guess the successful
970116 -- towel boy knows that humans are primates too. Stupid trick question.
970117 -- Here's your annual performance review, Tina. - I focused on your performance for the past two weeks because I don't remember anything farther back. - I WAS ON *VACATION* FOR THE PAST TWO WEEKS!!! No time to chat. I need to spread some
970117 -- motivation over here.
970118 -- Business used to be like Christianity; if you were faithful and obedient, you could obtain bliss in the afterlife of retirement. - Now it's more of a reincarnation model. If the worker learns enough in his current job, he can progress to a
970118 -- higher level of employment elsewhere. - These analogies aren't working for you, are they, Bob? My hope is that one day I will biodegrade and become "WD-40" oil.
970119 -- Office obstacle course Uh-oh, it's Phil. I never returned his call. Walk faster. - YES!! - Uh-oh, it's an unpleasant co-worker who wants to be my friend. - The crafty engineer blends with the herd to avoid detection. - Uh-oh, I owe Alice
970119 -- some information. RING - Hello YES!! - There's only one more obstacle between me and blissful productivity. - AAGH!!! MY HOLE DAY IS RUINED!!! It looks like you need a one-in-one coaching session.
970120 -- Bad news on your performance review, Wally. - Everyone performed the same. But I'm required to rank the group on a bell curve. - I had to make up some flaws to move you down the curve. Here's a pen. Sign it. "Employee does not wash hands
970120 -- after using the restroom".
970121 -- I can't sign this performance review! It's full of alleged misdeeds that you invented to lower my rating! - Yes, but I think it reflects things you *might* do. I had to make all reviews fit the bell curve. - I AM NOT SELLING CRACK FROM MY
970121 -- CUBICLE!!!
970122 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director Effective immediately, the company will no longer allow time off for the death of a family member. - This "family friendly" policy will remove your incentive to extend vacations by killing relatives. - And more
970122 -- good news: We're cancelling your life insurance so your family won't try to snuff you out either.
970123 -- Don't mention any problems when you do your presentation to senior management, Alice. - They might try to solve the problems during the meeting. That would be a disaster. - As far as I can tell, every layer of management exists for the
970123 -- sole purpose of warning us about the layer above. Are you saying they have a purpose?
970124 -- I put you in for a compliment, Alice. - It's not automatic. The application must be approved by the executive review committee. - Executive review committee I don't think so. We don't want them to think compliments are an entitlement.
970125 -- The results of the employee survey have been tabulated. - As always, employees say they are underpaid, blah, blah, blah, and management is incompetent. - And your bizarre, unworldly response will be? Everyone gets a travel alarm clock with
970125 -- the company logo!
970126 -- What do you want for your birthday this year, Mom? - Oh, nothing. I have everything I need. - Oh, c'mon. There must be something you want. Well one thing. But it's silly. - You just name it. Okay. - I'd like a home entertainment theatre
970126 -- with a fifty-inch screen, "THX" surround sound and a 600 kbps satellite link to the net so I can view adult pictures during the commercials. - I was thinking more along the lines of a new toaster oven. - Oh, that's exciting. I'll put it
970126 -- next to the other one and watch them fight it out. - There's a real dark side to the information age. - Oh, and about the gift of life I gave you: you're welcome.
970127 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director We've decided to lower your base salary, Wally. - I realize this will be a hardship. But if you hand me your necktie I'll show you why this is being done. - What did he say was the reason? "Because I can."
970128 -- The network went down and I lost my work. The server crashed. - From now on, I want advanced notice of any unplanned outages. - And I need it yesterday. I used to think that was just a figure of speech.
970129 -- As you requested, here is a schedule of all future unplanned network outages. - I took the initiative to include a schedule of all future sick days, volcanic eruptions, earthquakes and hurricanes. - This is the point when you realize how
970129 -- stupid your request was and we have a good laugh. Does CNN know about this?
970130 -- A pessimist says the glass is half empty. An optimist says it's half full. - Did you put your lips on my glass again? - And the engineer says... It's a good thing I put half of my water in a redundant glass.
970131 -- Asok the intern I installed calendar software on our network. - Now you can see everyone's schedule and easily set up meetings. - I say we grab him and apply some cubicle justice. Good idea, but I'm in meetings until the year 3006.
970201 -- The more work I do, the more I'm given. - It doesn't pay to be a talented and hard-working employee. - How's it pay to be *you*? Not bad on an hourly basis.
970202 -- Carol, could you check our pointy-haired boss's calendar? Grumble. - We'd like to schedule a celebration for the engineers who got patents. Grumble. - We're all available on the sixth, ninth, twentieth and the twenty-first. - I'll schedule
970202 -- it for the tenth. That's the only day he can do it. - Um... None of the engineers can make it on the tenth. - It's not a perfect world. - When's the patent celebration? Shut up. - On the tenth We should do this more often. Yeah, I like
970202 -- cake.
970203 -- Every department is required to create a web page for our internal network. - It should include enough information to be difficult to maintain, but not so much that it's useful. - As a security precaution, we'll make it too dull and
970203 -- unorganized to read. Is pornography in or out?
970204 -- I spent all week tweaking HTML for my intranet web page. You should see it, Mom. - I converted the video of my birth into an MPEG file. Anyone behind the firewall can view it. - You should hear the nickname they have for you at work! You
970204 -- should hear the one I have for you right now.
970205 -- Alice, I gave you a low performance ranking because you haven't bothered me all year. - Logically, if your job were difficult and important, you would have brought me many issues to resolve. - Can you think of *any* other reason I might
970205 -- not bring you issues? Yeah, laziness. But I gave you the benefit of a doubt.
970206 -- Catbert: Evil H.R. director I was so good at my job that I never needed to bother my boss. But he gave me a low rating because he didn't see me struggling. - I must refer to my human resources binders to see how to deal with this. -
970206 -- Downsize Downsize Hire losers Downsize Downsize Downsize ....
970207 -- Don't mind the stopwatch. I'm testing my theory that people get dumber every minute. - It's not so simple, Dogbert. You also have to consider my "emotional intelligence," which is defined in a book I haven't read. - Twelve seconds. click
970207 -- Give me that watch, you hog!
970208 -- My old slogan was, "work smarter not harder." - But people kept leaving for companies that pay more for less work. - Work like a frightened idiot! Catchy.
970209 -- Job interview We're looking for a special kind of employee, Wally. - Specifically, we like people with low self-esteem. - That way we can bully them into working unpaid overtime. - Do you think you're insecure enough to work here? Let me put it
970209 -- this way. - Sometimes I pretend to choke in the cafeteria... - Then when someone performs the Heimlich maneuver on me I spin around suddenly... - Just to get a hug. - Did he really say you're over-qualified? Aak! Mmph!
970210 -- I need a bullet point for your monthly accomplishments, Wally. - Put me down for "leveraged synergy across all technology platforms." - That was your accomplishment last month. It's more of a journey than a destination.
970211 -- Today I'll find out how big my bonus will be. - After the work I did on that project, I'm thinking four digits, maybe five. - Later How many digits? I used one on each hand.
970212 -- I need my own secretary. I'm too busy to help you unless I get some support. - Too busy? You haven't done any work for me in six months. - Oh, suddenly this is about *you*?
970213 -- Carol, do you know why my raise hasn't showed up in my pay yet? I haven't submitted the paperwork. - I'm too busy to do it. Maybe you should talk to my boss about getting me a secretary. - Carol, *you* are the secretary. That'll cost you
970213 -- another month.
970214 -- My raise didn't get through because your secretary didn't do the paperwork. - I demand that you initiate disciplinary actions against her! I'll try, but... - Carol, could you get me one of those disciplinary action forms? Sure, right after my
970214 -- Ski trip to hell.
970215 -- This is Wendy, my new secretary. I didn't know secretaries could have secretaries. - Now will you have time to process my pay increase? It's been on your desk for three months. - HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA Here's another case where more is not
970215 -- better.
970216 -- Leadership Seminar Grumble Grumble - What would you call a manager who motivates employees to work fourteen hours a day? - A filthy sadist. Pointy-haired imbecile. - Umm.. No... That's not what I'm looking for. - I think he means what do we call
970216 -- him to his face. - Leader. - Right! And what do you call someone who can make unpopular decisions again and again? - A filthy sadist? Wait, it might be another trick question. I hate training engineers.
970217 -- You didn't give me your five-year budget forecast. You didn't ask for one. - It was discussed at the project review meeting. You didn't invite me to that meeting. - Did you accomplish *anything* this week? I trained the bats who live in
970217 -- my cubicle to juggle mushrooms.
970218 -- I'd like to start the meeting with a whiny, unanswerable question. - WHY CAN'T ANYONE MAKE A DECISION AROUND HERE?! - That was good. My little intern is all grown up. Sniff
970219 -- Hey, that's a union job. Put it down or I'll file a grievance. - I'm only moving it ten feet. If I wait for a union person, I'll be unable to do my job for a week. Watch me not care. - If anyone sees you move the PC tonight, try saying you're
970219 -- Johnny Cash. Maybe I should just use the elevator.
970220 -- The bold commando stealthily relocates his PC at night, thus thwarting burdensome union rules. - Freeze, miscreant. - I hope this works. You don't look like Johnny Cash to me.
970221 -- You're accused of stealing a computer. We'll reduce the charge to "lewd conduct with appliances" if you'll plead guilty. - That sounds fair. People will understand it's just a plea bargain. - Would you like a minute alone with "Mr. Coffee"?
970222 -- I've decided to abandon logic and manage by cliches. - It won't be easy, but I'll take it one bird at a time. - And remember, the customer is always right-handed. This is actually an improvement.
970223 -- I dread this part of the staff meeting. - Let's go around the table and describe our accomplishments for the week. Wally? - It was another week of amazing success in Wallyville. - On Monday I realized that my left bun had fallen asleep. - I was
970223 -- shocked. The "boys" had always worked as a team before. - Thinking quickly, I shifted my weight to my right bun and hoped for the best. - That's your left side, not your right. - That's the other thing; apparently the boys switched sides
970223 -- sometime during the night.
970224 -- I had to promise the customer we could build the thing in a month even though you said it was impossible. - I'll solve the timing problem by shifting blame to engineering while spending the huge bonus I got for the sale. - Your planning has
970224 -- improved. Beginning blame transfer now... rrr rrr
970225 -- I'm totally frazzled. There simply isn't enough time in the day to meet my upcoming deadlines. - Let's have an all-day meeting off-site so I can explain why the deadlines are so important. - So, your theory is that I'll have more time in the
970225 -- day if you explain something I already know? I don't have a lot of tools here.
970226 -- Have you set up our off-site meeting so we can talk about how overworked you are? - I was thinking we should invite the rest of the staff, too. We can discuss our mission statement, maybe have a sack race. - Did you know that if you're a state
970226 -- trooper, you can shoot any animal that's been hit by a car?
970227 -- I've heard that some primitive cultures had no mathematical concept of "zero." - Sometimes I think you're like that when I tell you I have zero time left for additional work. - The conversation went downhill from there. NO, THAT'S "ZORRO."
970227 -- YOU'RE *NOT* LIKE ZORRO!!
970228 -- Dilbert asked me to speak to you about the project plan you created without his input. - IT'S IMPOSSIBLE, YOU ARROGANT BABOON!!! - Lean over here so I can slap you. I'm having flashbacks to my honeymoon.
970301 -- As you requested, I have learned to "do more with less." - I'm doing more unnecessary work, with less planning, less intelligence, and less guilt. - I hate the first staff meeting after budget cuts. And less career aspiration, too!
970302 -- Our new CEO will be announced today, Dogbert. Rumor has it that they picked a tall Caucasian male with no experience in our industry. - I can't wait to hear the bizarre logic behind this choice. - I like your necktie. Is it new? Shut up. - Our
970302 -- new CEO has never worked in our industry, but that's exactly what we're looking for... - ...because we wanted a CEO who who doesn't know what can't be done! - Other hand... Other hand. Why? - He looks a bit overqualified. I really took the
970302 -- wrong approach on my resume.
970303 -- Ratbert, I'm going back into the consulting business and I need you to be my engagement manager. - You'll seem very smart if you randomly combine the words on this list and make many references to "Wal-Mart."  It's like "Wal-Mart." Migrate your
970303 -- value into the white spaces of the ecosystem. Wow! That's one smart rat!
970304 -- Ratbert the consultant "Wal-Marts" business strategy was very successful. You can learn from their example. - Does their strategy involve sitting around and making irrelevant comparisons to other companies? - All I know for sure is that they
970304 -- don't let rats try on all the pantyhose in the store. Good strategy.
970305 -- Ratbert the consultant Your strategy options can be shown in this matrix. - The four boxes are "something... something... some other thing and whatever." - In phase two I hope to turn this matrix into concentric circles with labels and arrows.
970305 -- I'm under the consultant's spell.
970306 -- Ratbert the consultant I am under your consulting spell. Really? - Your overly complicated matrices and diagrams have convinced me of your intellectual superiority. - I am afraid to act without your approval. Did I say you could put your arms
970306 -- up like that?
970307 -- Our boss has fallen under the spell of a consultant. Must...make assumptions. - Must...write...large checks to consultant...because...employees...are...morons. - Just because we pay inexperienced strangers to tell us how to do our jobs, that
970307 -- doesn't mean we're morons! Yeah! It's a coincidence.
970308 -- Ratbert the consultant Now that you're under my spell, I'd like to sit on your head and play bulldozer. - Make some engine noises with your lips! HA HA!! Brbrbr brbrbr - Do you think our consultant has to much power? Hah, he's barely moving
970308 -- that file cabinet. Brbr brbr brbr
970309 -- You're probably wondering how my day was. - It was terrible...until I did *this*! - It all started when I deluded myself into thinking my opinions mattered. - I sprang into action like a cheetah on a trampoline! - I drew lines and boxes
970309 -- and arrows for hours. It was pure adrenaline.. - SUDDENLY, TROUBLE STRUCK! IT WOULDN'T FIT ON ONE PAGE!! - So I shrunk everything until it was totally unreadable. AND IT FIT!! - The moral of the story is that you don't have to feel bad
970309 -- just because you're totally worthless. I'd mock you but the challenge is gone.
970310 -- And now for the most absurd activity of the week: the timecard. - There's no project code for "staring at the wall and fretting about the reorganization." I'll call it "Training." - Before I worked here I wasn't a thief or liar. You can't
970310 -- get that kind of training in school.
970311 -- I am young and unexperienced, so please excuse this naive question, Alice... - You spend hours every day "doing E-Mail." How does this contribute to net after-tax earnings? - Day I learned that Alice can stuff my entire body into the shirt
970311 -- sleeve.
970312 -- I can't let you telecommute because then I wouldn't be able to manage you. - You're managing me right now, and all it's doing is preventing me from working. - And your point would be...? Just beyond your grasp.
970313 -- I need your help to negotiate with my boss for more telecommuting days. - I'm too logical to be a good negotiator. You need someone who is relentlessly irrational. - Dogbert says you're an excellent negotiator, Ratbert. I'M INSULTED!!
970314 -- I'm here to negotiate for more telecommuting days. - My negotiating strategy is to have Ratbert say such illogical things that it drains your will to argue. - You can't work at home because you might do unproductive things there. I've lost
970314 -- my will to argue.
970315 -- I convinced my boss to let me telecommute. How? - Well, technically, I called in sick, which comes out of my time bank for total days off. - So, technically, I'm working for nothing, but I'm ahead in principle. *Way* ahead, now that
970315 -- stupidity is a principle.
970316 -- You'll love your new assignment, Alice. Uh-oh. - You're going to redesign all of our brochures. - I'm an electrical engineer, not a graphic artist. - We can discuss your huge inadequacies during your annual review. - I'm not inadequate.
970316 -- I'm a highly skilled engineer. And yet you can't make brochures. - Okay, let me try to explain this in the simplest possible way... - You...are...an...idiot. - The simplest possible explanation isn't always the best. Hey, it looks like a
970316 -- brochure, only uglier!
970317 -- It's noon. Let's grab a sandwich at the cafeteria. - Okay, but make sure that's *all* you grab. I'd like to keep this on a professional basis. - And I'll need to borrow five dollars. - He's like a beautiful, untamed beast. Sigh.
970318 -- I always fall for the wrong guys. I'm a jerk magnet. - Tina, the turkey in your sandwich is already deceased. You don't have to talk it to death. - I must disguise my arousal. Hey, look! We're eating exactly the same quantities for lunch!
970319 -- Alice, I think I'm developing a crush on Dilbert. - Is that so wrong? - Apparently it is. I have a report of a tech writer desiring an engineer.
970320 -- You are guilty of being a technical writer with an unnatural attraction to an engineer. - It's not a major sin, so you only go to heck. I'm Phil, the prince of insufficient light. Sit down and type, "I proactively leverage my synergies," a
970320 -- hundred times. NO-O-O!!!
970321 -- It's called a "smart card," and we should build our next product to handle this sort of payment technology. - Aaagh!! - I've never seen that happen. His body rejected the "smart card."
970322 -- I've invented a quantum computer, capable of interacting with matter from other universes to solve complex equations. - According to chaos theory, your tiny change to another universe will shift its destiny, possibly killing every
970322 -- inhabitant. - Shift happens. Fire it up.
970323 -- Whoa... I found a huge bug in our new software product. - I could alert the development team and work many hours of unpaid overtime to fix it... - Or I could surf over to my online brokerage service and buy stock in our competition. - Are you
970323 -- going to lunch? No, I have to do an analysis. - When Wally works though lunch... it's time to buy stock in our competition. - Wally's working through lunch! Quick! To my online brokerage service! - Our competitor is up ten points on no news.
970323 -- We're up two, maybe from the industry halo effect. - ...or maybe our new compensation plan is motivating smarter behavior. I think you nailed it.
970324 -- I studied your technical recommendation and decided it's impossible. I already did it. - It will never work. It's working perfectly. - You spelled this word wrong. That's a number.
970325 -- Avoid the pointy-haired boss today. I proved him wrong about something. - Oh, terrific. Now he's in a state of boss disequilibrium until he proves he's *right* about something. - They're *PHOTOCOPIES*! You don't need to proofread *EACH ONE*!
970325 -- We'll see about that.
970326 -- We plan too much. From now on we'll have a bias for action. - I want posters that proclaim our commitment to action. And I want them soon! - "Measure once. Cut twice." I like it. Told you.
970327 -- When I was your age, we had things called "promotions" and "raises." - These days you can only get ahead by leaving the company for a year then coming back as a high-level manager. - So the theory must be that anyone who would return to this
970327 -- company is... A moron. Correct.
970328 -- Profits are down. Morale is low. What is the root problem? - It's got to be those anti-management cartoons the employees hang on their cubicle walls! - And they aren't funny. This one has our mission statement.
970329 -- I'm banning the posting of anti-management cartoons in the office. They hurt morale. - You're banning humor to raise morale? Is there something wrong with that? - It's the subject of today's cartoon. And you see how it's not funny?
970330 -- This security system cost a fortune but it's worth it. - I put a camera in every room to deter any criminal activity. - We may now go to the park knowing our fortress is protected. - - - I can't wait to show my kids what I do at work. - I can
970330 -- only think of one thing worse than having all of my stuff stolen. - And that is having some of it returned. This thing is hideous in good light.
970331 -- Wally, I forgot to tell you that all of the project requirements changed. - WHAT?!! ALL MY WORK WAS FOR NOTHING?!! - He actually believes you did work? I think I'll get some homemade cookies out of this!
970401 -- HEY, DILBERT! YOU'LL NEVER BE HUNGRY AS LONG AS YOU'RE WORKING IN THIS STRIP... - ...'CAUSE YOU'RE SURE OF *THREE SQUARES* EVERY DAY! - SOME OF US HAFTA KEEP GOIN' AROUND IN CIRCLES! Security?
970402 -- In order to reduce expenses, only the employees in essential jobs may have business cards. - I'd better order some business cards to find out if I'm "essential." - Carol, order some new business cards for me. Ooh. No can do. But you can borrow
970402 -- some of mine.
970403 -- I hate to interrupt your loud conversation outside my cubicle... - But if you don't go away, I'll pound your inconsiderate head so far into your torso that you have to drop your pants to say hello. - Did you just hear a strange noise? It
970403 -- sounded like, "Melp! Melp!"
970404 -- I'm sending you to a training course. That runs at night so you won't miss any work. - It might seem like an immoral abuse of my power, but I like to call it "a mutual investment in your career." - Must...control...fist...of...death... And
970404 -- they have vending machines if you get hungry!
970405 -- Company training Let's go around the room and we'll each say what we hope to learn. - I hope to learn whether that thing on your head is a bad toupee, a dead animal, or a hideous freak of nature. - Can I call that "general"?
970406 -- Dogbert presents The Life Cycle of a Business Idea - The brain creates an idea. mmm - The mouth-operating indepently of the brain-creates words. Let's form proactive synergy restructuring teams. - The words are written on large paper. Idiot. -
970406 -- The large paper is delivered to a bitter secretary. Please? Grrrr - The secretary types it. "Let's...form...protein...symphony reactionary...teens." Close enough. - The typed notes are delivered to the staff. Drop it into the "to do basket." -
970406 -- Repeat. Mmm
970407 -- Alice, your performance is good, but you must learn to deal with ambiguity. - Did I just get blamed for your indecisive leadership? - I'm not indecisive; I'm flexible. That would explain how your head got where it is.
970408 -- Here's the new org chart. I had to rearrange the layout to make it fit. - Why is my box lower than Alice and Wally's It means nothing...nothing at all. - Okay, who told you that every year I fish your secretaries' day card out of your trash and
970408 -- save it for next time? What?
970409 -- The new org chart has my name lower than yours, but it doesn't mean anything. - See? It wouldn't all fit across the page. It's just a graphical layout thing, that's all. - Hey, Dil-boy, put a head on this and fetch my mail. Are you asking me to
970409 -- be your mentor?
970410 -- I notice that the new org chart has your box lower than before. It means nothing. - Perhaps. But your box seems smallish. And your reporting line line brushes against my box. It means nothing. - No, I'm sure this means I'm your new boss. I
970410 -- wonder if I killed someone in your previous life.
970411 -- I don't care what it "looks" like on the org chart! You're an intern, not my boss! - I just saw the new org chart. Congratulations on your promotion, Asok! - Let's make some strategies and pretend it's work! Not so loud. The l-u-s-e-r might
970411 -- hear. Bonk Bonk
970412 -- Carol, I don't mean to be critical about the department phone list you put together... - But it's traditional to list people alphabetically, not by phone number. - Because what possible use...? Incoming call from... let's see... it's Wally... I
970412 -- can ignore it. Ring
970413 -- Here's my project plan as you requested. - Our team is already working day and night on other projects. - I assumed we'd give up eating, sleeping and bathing to fit this in. - By the second week we'll be starving, delirious and stinking. -
970413 -- We'll be like wild, unpredictable animals. - Specifically, we'd be like wild chipmunks. Non of us are very aggressive. - This clip-art represents us in week three as a pile of dead chipmunks. - Now he wants it in two weeks? Never mix sarcasm
970413 -- with good clip-art.
970414 -- Alice, I need this ASAP. - ASAP? Does that stand for *a* *s*tupid-*a*cting *p*erson, i.e., someone who ignores tasks until the deadline? - That was embarrassing. I hope the other things I say don't mean anything.
970415 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director The company has taken out a life insurance policy on you, Wally. - We pay the premiums and we collect the insurance when you die.  Is this because I'm so valuable to the company? - It's because we think you'll be
970415 -- more valuable dead. This is exactly why I don't like cats.
970416 -- There's been a lot of joking and grumbling since the company took out life insurance policies on all of you. - So we're having these catered lunch meetings to discuss your feelings. - Do you want the mad cow burger or the chicken bone surprise?
970417 -- I found another dead employee in the conference room. - I don't know what got him - the boredom or the hard work. But headcount is down one and the company has life insurance on him! - It looks like I found my "employee of the week."
970418 -- Catbert: evil H.R: director. Wally , the company bought a life insurance policy on you. - Our plan is to raise your blood pressure to dangerous levels. - Did you know that out CEO makes fifty times your salary even though our stock is down? Ow!
970418 -- Ow! Ow!
970419 -- Your success at work depends on what you have in your hands when you walk around. - A coffee cup is bad. A document is good. A cigarette is bad. A binder is good. But the very worst thing... - It doesn't look like you're heading for the fast
970419 -- track, Wally. Actually, I am, unless it's occupied.
970420 -- Here are some money-saving tips from headquarters. - "When calling long distance, use short words." - "If everyone did this, out fifty-billion dollar company could save nine hundred dollars per year." - "Tip two: For faxes, use sans serif
970420 -- fonts. They transmit faster. Annual savings could exceed three hundred dollars." - Next on the agenda, remember I'll be in Switzerland next week on a fact-finding trip. - If you need to call me at my four star hotel, be sure to use short words.
970420 -- - You might want to save those short words until he's on his clue-finding trip. - Switzerland #!%**!! Those are *not* all short words.
970421 -- My study shows that the companies with "family friendly" policies have higher profits. - Question: Do family friendly policies cause high profits or do high profits simply camouflage the true costs of the policies? - We'll take a five-minute
970421 -- break so the married people can slap you for asking that.
970422 -- This so-called "family friendly" policy is like a tax on childless people. - *You* get child-care; *I* get lower profit-sharing. *You* get time off for family; *I* get to pick up your slack... - I'm a victim, but in some strange way I'm
970422 -- enjoying it. Then you'll love this.
970423 -- I'm going home early because my kid i sick. - Remember, we have a new "family friendly" policy. We do? - So that is why my family seems so friendly? Maybe, but I'd test them for drugs.
970424 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director I'm being discriminated because I take time off for family emergencies. - I'll handle this by telling your boss that you ratted him out to the director of human resources. - I thought we had a "family friendly"
970424 -- policy. The key word is *friendly*. You've been acting as is you *love* your family.
970425 -- Good news! Our business plan is in complete disarray! - FREE TIME!! NO DELIVERABLES!!! AND IT'S NOT *OUR* FAULT! Yippee!! - Do you realize that all our joy comes from perverse sources? I didn't know there was an alternative.
970426 -- Alice, our business plan is in complete disarray so we're taking a three-hour lunch. Want to join us? - No, I've got to work harder than ever to turn this situation around! - Sometimes it's hard to distinguish between dedication and insanity.
970426 -- Which one are we?
970427 -- Here's your list of fake acronyms for the staff meeting. - Try to keep a straight face when you use them. - I've got a few action items. Who isn't busy? - I'd be all over it but I need to prepare a btr for the cpd meeting. - I'd love to help
970427 -- but this is xrp week for the entire lbq. - my spoo has to much fleem. - What? rrrrr - That was smooth. Hey, if I could lie I'd be in marketing.
970428 -- It's time now for the Wally report, a weekly status update. - My income is 80% of industry average, enthusiasm is at 63% of capacity and my ego shield is holding at 15%. - Your enthusiasm is up from last week. Someone left the supply cabinet
970428 -- unlocked!
970429 -- Good news about your compensation plan... I hate good news about my compensation plan. - Twenty percent of your pay will now be in the form of stock options instead of cash! - To get your stock options, simply sign this updated employment
970429 -- agreement. Why does good news feel like a mugging?
970430 -- My company won't give me my stock options unless I sign this new employment agreement. Here. - Yada, Yada, Yada, Yada, Yada, Yada, Yada, Yada, Yada, Yada. - What do you think? I'm not reading it. I just like to look at documents and go Yada,
970430 -- Yada, Yada.
970501 -- You want me to sign an agreement that I won't work for a competitor for five years if I leave here? - No problem. Here you go. This is too easy. - I haven't done any work *here* for five years, so how hard could it be? New game?
970502 -- I want you to work with our marketing people to design a product brochure. Groan Remember, what we do here might seem like criminal fraud but it's not. It's marketing! - Okay, as long as it's not wrong... Here's a jar to keep your conscience
970502 -- in. I'll put it in the closet with mine.
970503 -- Designing a brochure We'll want to emphasize the things that make our product unique. Good good - Let's see... We have higher prices...stale technology...fewer features...and it's hard to use. - Can you work with that? Suddenly I don't feel so
970503 -- bad that we won't be using 100% recycled paper.
970504 -- Who was the world's first salesperson, Dogbert? - Some people say it was a guy named Noah. - Noah's last name was Content. I have a big, curly stick and I don't even know why. - His job was to sell an ark cruise to animals. Did I say ark? I meant
970504 -- yacht. - He invented something called sales-babble to disguise his motives. We'll partner to leverage our value-adds in a win-win proposition. ? - He pioneered the lame joke. How's the weather up there? Hee Hee! - When he couldn't reach quota,
970504 -- he got creative. Strap this to your head and don't ask questions. - But his greatest innovation he called "blaming engineering." I can't find the honey spa. Think fast.
970505 -- I calculated the total time that humans have waited for Web pages to load... - It cancels out all the productivity gains of the information age. - Sometimes I think the Web is a big plot to keep people like me away from normal society. Uh-oh,
970505 -- he's on to me.
970506 -- Are you telling me that *you* invented the first Web browser? Not alone, I worked with our garbage man. - Flashback I wonder how long people would sit in front of a computer waiting for nothing. Let's find out. - What if this thing gets out of
970506 -- hand? We'll blame it on some drunken college kid.
970507 -- Flashback to the invention of the first Web browser What should we call our prank, Dogbert? - Well, it's designed to make millions of people sit around waiting for nothing to happen... - A few years later Hey, I can almost see a recognizable
970507 -- blotch! This is awesome! Note
970508 -- Flashback: Dogbert and the world's smartest garbageman invent the first Web browser as a practical joke. It's out of control. - I wonder what will happen to that college kid we framed. He'll be okay. - Where would you like this bushel of money?
970508 -- Stack it next to the photographers.
970509 -- Wally, we don't have time to gather the product requirements ahead of time. - I want you to start designing the product anyway. Otherwise it will look like we aren't accomplishing anything. - Of all my projects, I like the doomed ones best.
970510 -- We did an industry survey to see how your salaries compared to the average. - We didn't get the numbers we hoped for, so we broadened the definition of "our industry." - I'm so happy to be in the industry of "high technology, textile workers,
970510 -- teen-agers, and dead people." I feel overpaid.
970511 -- I am Carl, the cubicle dweller's friend. - I travel from cubicle to cubicle to tell people how hard I'm working. - I am working so-o-o-o hard. Work, work, work. It's all I do. - How is that possible? - You walk around all day with that
970511 -- coffee cup resting on your belly. - Does your job description say "transport coffee cup on belly"? - He's a terrible conversationalist. How many miles per gallon do you get? - Hypothetically, if you were downsized, how would the cup get
970511 -- around? What's wrong with these people?
970512 -- It's freezing in here. - I'll just give the thermostat a little bump. - Can we at least agree that when my cactus shrieks in agony, it's too warm? Aaagh!! It wasn't shrieking *before* you took your shirt off.
970513 -- Thermostat wars Be reasonable, Alice. When it's warm enough for you, it's too hot for normal humans. - Logically, you could wear a sweater. But there's nothing **I** can do to be less warm. Therefore, you must compromise. - Did she buy the
970513 -- argument? No. But I'm going to shave my back and take another run at it.
970514 -- My invention can detect human stupidity. - It has a very simple interface. All I do is point it at people. - Then what does it do? Why would it need to do anything else?
970515 -- Oh, no! I overslept...no time to apply makeup before my big meeting! - Okay, does everyone understand their tasks? I'll get right on it. Absolutely. - I wonder why they were so respectful today. IT'S NEWT GINGRICH!
970516 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director New policy: All company documents *must* use the official company font... - Let's see...what would be the most obscure and impractical font imaginable? purr purr purr - Somewhere in Elbonia I understand I can
970516 -- get the Elbonian font software from you. Yep. Unless you need consonants for some reason.
970517 -- Alice, here's the agenda for the next project meeting. - TWO HOURS?!! AAAGH!!! THERE'S ONLY TEN MINUTES WORTH OF TASKS!! - Uh-oh. I think I'm temporarily sane. Try breathing into a paper bag and repeating  our mission statement.
970518 -- Thank you. Please come again. - After I'm dead. - If we each put in twelve dollars, that will give her a healthy fourteen percent tip. - The service was excellent. I'll put in a little extra. Me too. Me too. - That gives us...um...only
970518 -- thirty-four dollars. - One of us is a cheap, lying, unscrupulous weasel. - - Or maybe the service was bad. She didn't smile enough. Same as last week.
970519 -- Wally, two things... - Number one, I want you to chair the "fun committee" to improve employee morale. - Two, according to this report, you've been using the Internet for personal reasons.
970520 -- I was trying to decide whether you're stupid or just very ignorant. - Then I thought "Whoa, Dogbert, you're being narrow-minded about this." - You could easily be both. It only *looks* easy.
970521 -- It is physically impossible for me to finish both of my projects on time. Which one is more important? - Hmm... If I absolutely *had* to choose between them, I'd say... Do them both on time. - Wow. When you do that with your arms, it
970521 -- creates the illusion that you're thinking. What you need is a third project.
970522 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director Any employee who uses the Internet for non-business purposes will be fired. - And any employee who sits in a company chair while having a personal thought will be executed by security. - The great thing about
970522 -- senseless, sadistic policies is that they don't require a lot of explanation.
970523 -- I wrote this labor-saving software. Watch it do its thing. - - How can you tell if it's working? You don't see any labor happening around here, do you?
970524 -- I've decided to become a consultant in the field of obvious generalities. - I'll work for small businesses that are run by artists. They'll think I'm brilliant, which I am. - Whoa! Are you saying we need *revenue* to make profit?? Ouch!
970524 -- I've got a headache on one side.
970525 -- Lately I've been feeling discouraged about my job. - You should talk to our pointy-haired boss. That'll cheer you up. - Maybe you're right. All I need is a little pep talk from our leader. - HA HA HA! HEE HEE! - You think you're
970525 -- discouraged... - I've been stuck in this dead-end job for years, grinding away, day after day. - And all I have to show for it is high blood pressure and worthless stock options. - It's so gratifying watch them grow up. - I need the number
970525 -- for doctor Kevorkian.
970526 -- I'd feel a lot more comfortable on this project if you'd tell me everything you know about it. - I've already told you more than I know. - I feel like I'm being followed. Doom
970527 -- I'll need everyone's help on this project. I hope you can overlook the cloud of doom that hovers nearby. Doom - BOOM! Doom crack - Doom Wow. It's luck that wasn't someone we like.
970528 -- Doom I notice you have a cloud of doom. I must admit it makes you seem dangerous and sexy. - Doom ZAP - Sorry. That happens to everyone who gets near me. No problem. I'm one of those women who never learn.
970529 -- I have a cloud of doom that zaps everyone near me once a minute. Doom - I'm looking for a woman who doesn't think past behavior is an indication of the future. Doom ZAP! - ...a woman with absolutely no sense of pattern recognition. Doom
970529 -- Ouch. I'm glad that won't happen again.
970530 -- The only way to get rid of your cloud of doom is to transfer it to a new host body. Doom - I will accomplish this with the help of our pointy-haired boss and a clueless co-worker named Tim. - We're secure. Begin transfer. Tim, your new job
970530 -- will be director of special projects. Doom
970531 -- Alice, I understand you had a conversation with my boss without my approval. - We don't want to give mixed messages. It would be very bad if she got any mixed messages. - I just gave her an honest status report. AAARGH!!! MIXED MESSAGES!
970601 -- I forgot my umbrella. I'm soaked. - Why don't you toss your clothes in the microwave and dry them off? - Would that work? - - Sixty minutes ought to do it. - We'll guard the door to the break room. - You know, ever since the downsizing began,
970601 -- I've felt much less company loyalty. Me too. - Why are you two so happy? There are free goodies in the break room.
970602 -- I put together some guiding principles for our network architecture. - I sure hope this isn't a bunch of obvious ideas disguised with techno-jargon and unclear writing. - Let the games begin. So tell me, do suspenders cause muddled thinking, or
970602 -- is it the other way around?
970603 -- I'm going into business as a professional bearer of bad news. - I'll try to find the humor that is inherent in every tragic situation. - I give up. What *is* the difference between my husband and the seventies pop group "Village People"?
970603 -- They're coming back.
970604 -- Dogbert: professional bearer of bad news We cannot offer you a position at this time, but you are obviously qualified. - Unfortunately, the other six billion people on earth are more qualified. - We'll keep your resume on file.
970605 -- Dogbert: professional bearer of bad news Your doctor asked me to tell that you have six months to live. - There must be a mistake. I'm here for a nose job. - Oh, you're right... I wondered why that last guy was so happy when I told him he'd
970605 -- have one huge nostril for the next forty years.
970606 -- Dogbert: professional bearer of bad news Wally, your boss asked me to tell you... - YOU'RE FIRED!!! AND THEY HAVE SECRET VIDEOS OF YOU STEALING STUFF!! - This can't be true. It's not. But watch how happy you are when I tell you about your
970606 -- one-percent raise.
970607 -- *Software license:* By opening this package, you agree... - ...you will not make copies or export to despotic nations. You will submit to strip searches in your home... - rrrip Frankly, both of us would have been happier if you had just walked
970607 -- away.
970608 -- I'm happy to award the "clean cubicle award" to Matthew. - It's a ten-dollar "Travelers check." Where's Matthew? - He was cruelly downsized last month. - His cubicle was clean because he shredded his important documents out of spite. - All of
970608 -- his furniture and equipment were scavenged by bitter employees who have to do his work now. - This is not having the motivational impact I hoped for. - Okay...the "Travelers check" will go to whoever knows what number I'm thinking. - They sure
970608 -- were sore losers.
970609 -- I teach kids that these things are right and those things are wrong. Period. End of story. - Wouldn't that teach them to believe anything they're told without applying any critical thinking? - I don't think about that. Duh
970610 -- Dilbert, you'll work with "Kenny the sales-weasel" on our biggest project. - Tell me all of our product's technical specs on the way. I like to be prepared. - Our product is beige. It uses electricity. Whoa! Brain overload!
970611 -- Visiting the customer When I introduce you to the customer, smile and give him a hearty slap on the back. - Get ready. Here he comes. I'd better take some practice swings. - Next time, less follow-through, aim higher, and if he turns around
970611 -- suddenly, hold off. Sorry ow ow ow ow ow
970612 -- Visiting the customer I brought Dilbert to explain what makes our product special. - It's exactly like our competitor's product except we charge more to cover the cost of our deceptive advertising. - While you're up, could you get me a cup of
970612 -- coffee?
970613 -- Visiting the customer No one has ever been fired for buying our product! That's true. - There *is* the occasional savage beating... and more than our share of suicides... - But that has "statistical cluttering" written all over it.
970614 -- Someday it will be possible to clone our boss. But the clone would have no experience and no knowledge. - I just sent an e-mail message to Japan. I don't know the language so I took your advice and typed it all in caps. - Wow. That put it all
970614 -- in perspective.
970615 -- Asok the intern explains the new rules of body language Fake happiness - This means: I am not motivated by the size of my paycheck. AHH!! WAHH! WAHH! - This means. I am slightly concerned about the impending reorganization. - This means: I have
970615 -- decided to work in the marketing field. Counter-clockwise spin - This means: I am being sarcastic. Oh, *there's* a good plan. - This means: The recent employee satisfaction survey has not captured the extent of my feelings. - This means: I
970615 -- think you are attractive but it would be very improfessional to show it. - This means: my lottery investment paid off. YANK!
970616 -- I scheduled a T.h.n.p.l. meeting for seven o'clock on Friday night. - T.h.n.p.l. stands for "Tina has no personal life." I'm scheduling useless meeting to fill the void in my life. - Tina, this is insane. Are you suggesting we have a meeting to
970616 -- discuss this? Is Saturday okay?
970617 -- You're invited to a four-hour meeting, Asok. - Tina, it would seem that all of your meetings have no purpose other than to provide you with a surrogate social life. - Can you bring chips? I wish, I wish, I wish I had a spine.
970618 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director People are complaining that you schedule unnecessary meetings as a substitute for a family. - That's ridiculous! Come to my next meeting and see for yourself! Okay, I will. - I got us a family cat. How was your day,
970618 -- Dilbert? SOB
970619 -- Dogbert, I need your help. I keep getting invited to worthless meetings and I can't say no. - *You* can say no to anything. You have such a clearly defined sense of self-interest. - Will you teach me to be like you? Nope... Can't be bothered.
970620 -- Give me a final design for project Caribou by Tuesday. That's Wally's project. - I know, but I'm thinking about it now and Wally isn't in the room. Tell Wally it's your project now. Do you see this thimble? I keep my morale in it.
970621 -- ...So our pointy-haired boss put me in charge of your project... - ...because I was standing in his office when he thought about the project. - If it makes you feel better, you can keep your morale in this thimble with mine. I keep mine in a
970621 -- "Tic Tac" container with my ego.
970622 -- I have a great idea to save money. - We can make the photocopier ink last longer by adding water to it. - Wouldn't that make the copies too light? - Ordinarily, yes. But we can compensate by setting the copier to "darken." - You'll need someone
970622 -- to implement this idea...let's see. - Hey, what about Dilbert? He isn't doing much work lately. - I'd do it myself but there's no reason to waste a creative thinker on an implementation task. - Are you still mad that I got a bigger raise than
970622 -- you did? No, I found a creative way to deal with it.
970623 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director New policy: key employees must travel on separate flights to reduce risk. - Other employees, such as Wally, are encouraged to take up dangerous hobbies. - I've noticed that when a new policy mentions me by name, it's
970623 -- never a good thing.
970624 -- Alice, here's a bonus for good work. On what? - I can't be specific, because the you might do it again and expect another bonus. - Congratulations; you've motivated me to act randomly. I'm going over here and I don't know why.
970625 -- I did less work than usual this quarter and I got a bonus. - The implications are staggering. The entire system of capitalism has a flawed premise. - There's only *one* thing that could make the bonus more frightening. I got one, too.
970626 -- I'm writing a book that debunks the effectiveness of business consultants. - But common sense would say that you're being a consultant yourself, so your opinion is logically flawed. - Only people with no common sense will buy your book. I
970626 -- prefer to call them the mass market.
970627 -- From now on, we'll nurture the passion of our rebellious employees and for strategies around them. - We don't have any rebellious employees. The last one got fired for wearing culottes on casual day. - It was such a good idea in my head. We
970627 -- still have some sarcastic employees. Can you work with that?
970628 -- We've identified the people who will create the system to develop a product process. - While we were doing that, our competitor created a new Internet product that added a billion dollars to their stock value. - Experts attribute the company's
970628 -- success to the "employee of the week" program. Quick! Hire those experts!
970629 -- I want a ten-percent raise. There's no budget for raises. - I have an offer from another company that will pay fifteen percent more. - I'll give you twenty percent if you stay. - I thought you said there's no budget for raises. Well...it's
970629 -- supposed to be a secret but... - our policy is to give big raises to people who spend their time interviewing for other jobs. - Good news! The secret company policy is to reward disloyalty! - YIPEE! YES! WOO-WOO-WOO - What's the reward for
970629 -- leaving work early? He wouldn't show me the price sheet.
970630 -- I'm putting you on a "need to know" basis. - Here's a complete list of the things I need to know. if it's not on the list, I probably don't need to hear it. - Number one: "Run for it, Dogbert! The volcano is erupting!" Plurals will also be
970630 -- allowed.
970701 -- If the goal of all creatures is to be happy...and I'm happier than you are... - We can conclude that I'm more successful than you are. Isn't that right? - You are *really* starting to annoy me now. The gap widens. Yes!
970702 -- I finally figured out why everyone talks so funny in this company. - We're not morons incapable of clear communication. We're rebels like to "think outside the box." - It's always fascinating to watch an ego just before it dies. I'm a rebel!
970702 -- Task me with a "do it."
970703 -- Hi, Mom! Guess what. - I'm the process owner for our benchmarking initiative! - She's crying with joy... I used to think that too.
970704 -- beep beep boop beep - I am Dogbert, your lord and master! Submit to my will, you worthless cretin! - Does telemarketing work for that sort of thing? You'll know tomorrow; that was your voice mail.
970705 -- You two will be my telemarketers. Here's a list of known idiots to call. - I'll go first, Bob. Let's see... I dial the number. And wait for an idiot to answer... - ring ring ring C'mon, you loser. Pick up the phone.
970706 -- Hey, pointy-hair! - Thanks for your brilliant advice that I should, "work smarter not harder." - I didn't realize people could become smarter just by wanting to. - Watch me add a few IQ points right now! grrr grrr - Wow! Suddenly I can speak
970706 -- Latin! - Let's crank it up a few more points. grrr grrr - Why am I working in this dump? I should be a consultant. - When I woke up, my pillow was gone. Oh, wow. You woke up in the wrong joke.
970707 -- I hate it when the title of a book gives away the whole plot. - Take Hemingway's "Old Man and the Sea." Geez, talk about leaving nothing to the imagination. - I guess the odds were very low that you would leap in the air and catch that. I'm only
970707 -- here to be a chick magnet.
970708 -- If you're such a chick magnet, let's see you do your stuff. - Okay. I'll wag. They love that. - It's working. You broke one out of the herd. She's coming this way. Be careful. I don't know how powerful this is. - Grumble. I'll be you work out a
970708 -- lot. I'm a dancer. Uh-oh
970709 -- Until I met you, Dogbert, I always fell for engineers. - But I'm tired of pretty boys. I want a guy who will appreciate my exotic dancing as much as my passion for physics. - Sob Scratch under this ear for a minute. Sure. I can't get enough
970709 -- touching.
970710 -- Wow. You're an incredibly sexy man. It's too bad I met this little fuzzy guy first. - But looks aren't everything. Studies show that women want a man who is in touch with his feelings. - AAGH!! I HATE MY LIFE!! Gee. That's enough to make me
970710 -- doubt the scientific method.
970711 -- As much as I like the petting, I still have to break up with you, Roxanne. Why?! - Humans are kind, intelligent, well-adjusted creatures. Until you get to know them. MAY THE HORNED DEMONS OF IXPAH SMITE YOU LIKE THE LAST SIX!!! This is what I'm
970711 -- talking about.
970712 -- It's done. I thought I asked for that to be in color. - Black and white are both colors. So technically... Oh, wait, I see what you mean. - Is that all it took to satisfy his need for irrelevant changes? And I did it while the color copies were
970712 -- printing.
970713 -- You're on the radio with Dogbert's "bad advice show." How may I hurt you? - My boss asked me for a date. We're both married. What should I do? - Divorce your husband. He sounds like a looser to me. - Yes, yes, it all makes sense when you
970713 -- explain it that way. - Then mail a dead woodchuck to your boss with a note that says... - "Unlike this woodchuck, my love for you will never die." Thanks, I love your show. - Moving on to household tips, did you know that black paint is an
970713 -- excellent stain remover? - Can we talk? ...and those are just *some* of the benefits of an all-cheese diet.
970714 -- I've been asked to give a presentation at the trade show. - I'd like you to put that together for me, Alice. What's your topic? - Technology. They didn't say if I'm for it or against it. I'll leave some wiggle room.
970715 -- I've prepared your pointless presentation for the trade show. - It's got the usual time-wasting filler: a graphic of Moore's law, a "Netscape" comparison, and ironically... - ...it ends with an impassioned reminder to think in new ways. Maybe I
970715 -- should give out some awards, too.
970716 -- I only have thirty minutes and he's babbled for twenty-eight. Blah blah blah - It took three weeks to get on his calendar. My only hope is to send ESP messages for him to shut up. - Shut up shut up shut up shut up Nice try, but it's time for
970716 -- his next filibuster. Blah blah blah
970717 -- Which version appeared in your newspaper?
970717 -- Ten of our fines executives got together and created a statement of our core values. - "We help the community and the world by producing state-of-the-art business solutions." - I'm glad we didn't skimp and try to do that with only nine
970717 -- executives. Yeah. It might have sucked.
970717 -- Ten of our fines executives got together and created a statement of our core values. - "We help the community and the world by producing state-of-the-art business solutions." - I'm glad we didn't skimp and try to do that with only nine
970717 -- executives. Yeah. It might have been useless.
970717 -- Last week an alternate Dilbert strip ran in some newspapers. Guess which one was controversial...
970718 -- Can you explain how the company's new "statement of core values" will change my behavior? - I was planning to poison the town's water supply. But wait! It's against out core values! - Is your sarcasm absolutely necessary? Let me check.
970718 -- Hmm...it's not addressed.
970719 -- Give me the name of any famous person. Sandra Bullock. - Sandra Bullock was in a movie with Kevin Spacey...and Kevin spacey eats bacon. - See that? Everyone on earth is only one degree away from someone named Kevin who eats bacon! That is *so*
970719 -- close to being fascinating.
970720 -- As usual, I worked until midnight last night, Mom. - Well, at least you made some extra money. I don't get paid for overtime. - Well, at least it was important work. Not really. - My boss made me change my "Powerpoint" slides, but the
970720 -- changes made them worse. - Well, at least you're prepared for your meeting. It was cancelled. - But that's okay, because the project isn't funded anyway. - So...you worked for free to worsen a presentation for a meeting that won't happen
970720 -- for a project that doesn't exist? Yup. - Well...at least you could travel back in time without having any impact on history. Yeah, my glass is half full.
970721 -- Here's the agenda. The first hour will be u.b.r., as usually. - This reminds me of my first job, before crash dummies were popular. Man, I spent a fortune in Aspirin. - What exactly is u.b.r.? Unfocused boss rambling. Only 58 minutes to
970721 -- go.
970722 -- ...And that's your performance review. Any questions? One. - You talked about yourself for the full hour. Can we talk about me? - Okay. *You* don't seem to know that *your* meeting is over when *you* see me stand up. Ooh.
970723 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director I can't abuse people if they quit the company. I'd better find a way to reduce turnover. - All job titles will be changed as follows... - My new title is... "convicted felon." That'll look good on the ol'
970723 -- resume.
970724 -- Our new job titles from human resources are demeaning and insulting! - You've got to use your managerial influence to do something! My new card... - How'd it go? I don't expect much help from the "director of learned helplessness."
970725 -- Wish me lick. For what? - I'm going to find people who laugh nervously every time they talk. Then I'll smack them with my flyswatter. - And the reason would be? It wouldn't be a hobby if it had a reason.
970726 -- Alice, I found this article in a magazine. - I highlighted the most important stuff to save you time. - You highlighted the page numbers. It takes forever if you don't notice those.
970727 -- WHAT IF... Albert Einstein had been in marketing? - I have a great idea for increasing sales. - Nope. This will never work. - Um... is it possible that you don't fully understand the idea? - That's quite an ego you have there, Allan.
970727 -- Albert. - Experience managers know how to identify bad ideas... - Bad ideas come from other people. Now go work smarter, not harder. - I worry that a guy like that will go off and build a huge bomb.
970728 -- Great news! Our strongest competitor offered to sell us their entire product line. - Obviously they think their products are not viable. We'd have to be amazingly stupid... - And you'll be in charge of integrating their product line with
970728 -- ours. ...to work here.
970729 -- Tell me the truth. Use the engineer's secret code if you must. - Are there any little problems with the technology that my managers agreed to buy from your company? - HA HA SNORT SNORT HA HA HA!!! 1100111... Good. Go on.
970730 -- It's my job to integrate the bad technology that our idiot boss bought with the good technology we already own. Your advice? - Throw away the bad technology. Goof off until the next planned upgrade of the good technology. Tell your boss
970730 -- the improvements are a result of his brilliant buying decision. - Wow. That's almost pure evil. You're welcome.
970731 -- Due to space constraints, some people will have to share cubicles. - According to the list, your new roommate will be...the copy machine. - Is it claustrophobic in here or is it just me?
970801 -- I hope we get more office space soon. Otherwise, I'll have to share my cubicle. - If they send someone here, I'll arrange the usual "accident." Hi! - Sproing! Wow. She got the box too.
970802 -- You'll need to share your cubicle with the Elbonian audit team until we get more space. - This is their holy week so I expect you to be open-minded and flexible. - So, how do you celebrate the holy week? - Wedgies, mostly.
970803 -- Welcome to employee rock-climbing seminar. - You'll learn valuable teamwork skills by doing dangerous things unrelated to your jobs. - Isn't rock climbing a solo activity? I'll help identify your body. - It seems like you'd need a strong
970803 -- grip to climb rocks. - I can't even open jars unless I use special tools. - OW! OW! CRAMP!! - I'M DISORIENTED BY THE PAIN! HEY! - Here are your diplomas. Now get out. Go team!
970804 -- I'm in charge of the office relocation. Where do you want your cubicle? - What's this huge structure? Wallyville. It's two floors of luxury housing, shopping, and gambling. - Do you think you might be abusing your power? What would be the
970804 -- other reasons to have power?
970805 -- According to the blueprints, your cubicle has a support beam in it. - At least I have a window view. - It's 108° by the window. But at least there's a breeze from the people who walk by and laugh. Don't let me slow your search for someone
970805 -- who's interested.
970806 -- We're going to try something called "open book management." - We'll teach you to read the financial statements of this company. It's all very motivating. - ...and our CEO got paid more the the entire capital budget... Is this what
970806 -- motivation feels like?
970807 -- Open book management So you see, if you got a raise, our earnings growth wouldn't be smooth. - And smooth earnings are good for who? Stock market analysts? - Specifically, the lazy ones. I'm fine, now that I understand.
970808 -- I appreciate your new "open book management" philosophy... - For example, I've learned that we're repurchasing stock while I'm working unpaid overtime. - Yet I remain highly motivated because I understand that income and equity are
970808 -- distinct concepts. Who said ignorance is bliss? Ha!
970809 -- Open book management ...then I sez, "hey our debt to equity ration is increasing." - I leapt into action and started sweeping like I've never swept before! - Then I sez, "hey, why am I using a broom on carpets?"
970810 -- Announcing project "Sparkle," the clean desk policy. - This is a company-wide effort to keep our work spaces clean. - Tiny question. I'm curious about one thing. - I'm picturing our top executives in the "war room." - They talk about the
970810 -- competitive threat and our lack of resources. Suddenly, panic sets in!! - A lone voice of reason penetrates the confusion. Two words: "paper towels." - Is that pretty much how it went? - Moving along, you each get a laminated card with our
970810 -- mission statement. Let me do this one.
970811 -- I have a new method for blowing off the idiots who ask questions. - I say, "that information is on my web page. Shoo, shoo." - What happens if they find out it isn't? I'll say, "you must have misunderstood your question."
970812 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director Here's the "clean desk" policy, Wally. - "Employees must lick their workplaces clean at the end of each business day." - Do they seriously think we're this spineless and stupid? Ahm nah chanting it.
970813 -- There's a rumor the company is moving to South Dakota for tax reasons. - Do you seriously think they would disrupt the lives of thousands of employees just to save money on taxes? - I think they'd kill us in our sleep and sell our organs
970813 -- if the return on investment was good. Stop it. I'll be afraid to sleep in my cubicle now.
970814 -- There's a rumor that my company will move to South Dakota. But I don't believe it. - South Dakota...isn't that where your CEO grew up? Maybe he wants to be near his parents to get free baby-sitting. - That is the most cynical thought I
970814 -- have ever heard in my life. Thanks. I'm blushing under my fur.
970815 -- I've asked Bob the dinosaur to call your CEO and give him a telewedgie. - Will that stop him from relocating the company? ...now hold the phone behind you at belt level. - Stranger things have happened, albeit not often. YANK Aaiee!!
970816 -- I notice you only have one trash container with you... - Whereas I have two containers - one for trash and one for recyclable materials. - My theory is that you make two separate trips to each cubicle... Could you turn around for a second?
970817 -- I have a vague feeling of uncertainty. - It gets stronger at the office - The uncertainty saps my strength. My briefcase is getting heavier. - Must...get...to...cubicle. - The uncertainty feels like a piano upon my chest. - I decided to
970817 -- reorganize. Or maybe downsize. Unless there's a merger. - I summon the unholy demons of apathy, sarcasm and cynism!!! - Good thinking! Reorganizations always increase profits! Wow. Third time today.
970818 -- You'll be on the task force to recruit the smartest college seniors to work here. - Remember to lie often. And don't mock them for their lack of real life experience. - So you're saying meetings are just like parties? Well, I'm not allowed
970818 -- to say the "o-word"...
970819 -- Recruiting on campus I have better offers from twelve companies. Why should I work at yours? - - I'll se what I can do for you. Do you have enough copies of my resume?
970820 -- Recruiting on campus Nice to meet you... - CRUSH AAEEII! - I have to be honest: your company isn't my first choice.
970821 -- Recruiting on campus It's funny that *you*'re judging *me*. My engineering knowledge is current and yours is ancient. - I think I impressed him with my confidence. - Ooh! People skills! I forgot! bonk bonk bonk
970822 -- Ratbert, I want you to wear this pager at all times. I'll set it to vibrate. - YEEHAA!! - No one has actually paged you yet. IT GETS BETTER?!!
970823 -- Envy me, Bob. I have a digital pager and you don't. - I don't need one. My digital PCS phone has a built-in pager function. Oh, wow. - But the worst part is that he only uses it to clean his ears. I taught him that. The vibrating action is
970823 -- excellent.
970824 -- We have the results of the employee communications survey. The number one problem is "fear of giving negative news to managers." Negative News - What?! Why haven't I heard this before? - Well...maybe because it's negative news? - Do you
970824 -- have a solution or did you just come to insult me? Don't get involved. - Ooh. Um...maybe if we wait a few days it will take care of itself. - Happily, there are no other communication problems whatsoever. Heh heh. - I wonder why so many
970824 -- problems go away on their own. I have no comment at this time.
970825 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director Alice you have to use your vacation time or you'll lose it. - But if you take time off, you'll lose your business. HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! - This is embarrassing. I laughed myself fuzzy.
970826 -- It's a shame you have to work during your vacation. The same thing happened to me. Really? - Actually, in my case I went on vacation when I was supposed to be working. But the concept is the same. - Apparently she wasn't looking for
970826 -- empathy.
970827 -- I admire your work ethic, Alice. You're even working during your vacation. - It must be hard to remain motivated when you know you can never break through the glass ceiling. - So, it looks it's just tile after all.
970828 -- I'm going back to my old job as a systems administrator. Why? - I'm attracted by the potential for reckless abuse of power. - This new Ethernet card could solve your problem. Would you like a sniff before I throw it in a big pile in my
970828 -- office?
970829 -- Dogbert the network systems administrator The software manuals are locked i this room. - I don't let users have manuals, for reasons that could only be described as mean-spirited. - Is there any way we can meet halfway on this? Hey, that
970829 -- door didn't always have a window.
970830 -- Dogbert the network systems administrator Wally, did you know your E-Mail system isn't private? - I've compiled a binder with all of your off-color humor, unkind references to co-workers, naughty propositions, and admissions of theft. -
970830 -- Where is this heading? I'd like to sing that question while hopping on one foot.
970831 -- I'll make a quick copy, then we can discuss it. - No, no, I'll have my secretary do that. - That will take longer. It's more cost-effective. - We're highly paid professionals. Carol is...well...I don't know if we pay her at all. - Now
970831 -- we're free to do high-level planning. - Um...we kinda need that document. - Ooh, time for lunch. - So... do you fish?
970901 -- "This is Dogbert the network systems administrator, to all ignorant employees." - He who controls your information controls you. *I* control your information. - "The board of directors has appointed me emperor for life. Bring the
970901 -- pointy-haired boss to me." - Uh-oh! The escape key isn't working!
970902 -- Dogbert: company emperor Tell the employees to get wheelbarrows to carry my salary out here. - Turn out the lights when you're done. You're all downsized. Shoo! - The media loved him. Can we call you "Buzz Saw Dogbert"? I bought your
970902 -- parent company today. You're downsized. Shoo!
970903 -- Dogbert: company emperor I don't like to call what I'm doing "downsizing." It sounds to negative. - I like to call it "wedgiesizing." Now clean out your desk and Shoo! YANK! - He didn't take that very well. You can't please everyone, Bob.
970904 -- I've downsized this company and plundered its equity by exercising my massive stock options. - Yet my victory seems hollow. Something is missing. - Maybe you're missing a sense of meaningful contribution to society. Maybe...but I'm
970904 -- thinking book deal and trophy white.
970905 -- Since I'm the major breadwinner here, I decided to name the house "Dogbert's Manor." - And I've decided to name you Jennifer because I like the name. - I don't know why I bought this. It's just a box full of electronics that you can look
970905 -- at. Shut up, Jennifer.
970906 -- We can handle your investments so you can retire and live off the earnings. - Just sign this incomprehensible contract, hand all your money to total strangers and relax! - We'll need to know what your tolerance to risk is. I think I just
970906 -- maxed out.
970907 -- This is Dogbert's technical support. How may I disconnect you? - What are my choices? - I recommend the abrupt disconnect: simple, gets the job done. - I had that last time, What else do you have? - You might like our "please hold,"
970907 -- followed by the "wrong button." - Too predictable. Do you have anything new? - Try our "Kevorkian disconnect." I put you on hold and play an annoying message until you disconnect yourself. - Your call is important. Please hold while we
970907 -- ignore it... Your call is important... Not bad.
970908 -- It's been a stressful day. Luckily I have this little balloon full of sand to squeeze to reduce my stress. - Oops Piff - You need a new kybard? What's a kybard? JUST SIGN THE STUPID THING!!!
970909 -- I'm thinking of growing a beard to disguise the fact that I have no chin. - Then I'll get some loose seaters to disguise the fact that I have no waist. - Maybe you should get a Sherlock Holmes outfit to disguise the fact that you have no clue.
970909 -- - Maybe some mannequins as friends...
970910 -- Have a nice flight. Remember to turn on your laptop computer during takeoff. - I thought they tell you to turn it *off*. - Off?!! How would they transfer control to you if they had trouble? - TURN OFF THAT !*#% LAPTOP!! No way! I have to land
970910 -- this baby! ...can I do that in "Excel"?
970911 -- I just heard that our pointy-haired boss's plane crashed. - I must admit I have mixed feelings. You don't know if you should mourn or celebrate, right? - No, I mean celebrate or leave early. Hurry if you want some cake.
970912 -- Now that our boss is presumed dead, I found out I *like* to work. I finished three projects today! - I lost five pounds, gave up coffee, and applied for seven patents! Go, Alice! - Life without management is like paradise! Who wants to
970912 -- spoon-hug?
970913 -- Work has been great since our boss went down on the jet! Uh-oh - I survived with only minor hair injuries. I was lucky to be on a flight that had a hundred nuns onboard! - You were saved by prayer? No, padding. They don't do a lot of Aerobics
970913 -- at the nunnery.
970914 -- Carol, I forget... How do I address an envelope? I'll do it. - I'm training him to be helpless. - It's part of my master plan to eliminate him. - I do everything for him. Soon he'll lose his ability to solve small problems alone. - Then I'll
970914 -- "accidentally" book him on a one-way trip to south korea. - Before he goes, I'll tell him they have a death penalty for speaking English. - We'll never see him again. BUWAHAHA!!! - It's worth a shot. Carol, what do I dial for an outside line?
970914 -- I'll do it.
970915 -- I am Mordac the Refuser. I am here to discuss your request for a computer upgrade. - Crinkle! Mmphh! Chomp Chomp Chomp - We lotht thuh pahperwurk. That's a huge surprise. Luckily I made seventy-five extra copies.
970916 -- I am Mordac the Preventer, your liaison from the information technology department. - I come with tales of resource shortages. Your request for our services is denied. - I didn't request any of your services. Don't try your reverse psychology on
970916 -- me.
970917 -- I'm not using reverse psychology! I really don't need anything from the information technology department. - Curse you! You know our goal is to give you the opposite of what you want. If you want nothing we must give you everything! - Please
970917 -- tell me how you got them to do this. Watch me launch the space shuttle!
970918 -- For those who joined us late, this is Bob the dinosaur. He lives with Dilbert and me. Hi - Dinosaurs aren't extinct. They're just hiding behind furniture. This is Dawn, my mate, and little rex. - You'll notice that they use a lot of space and
970918 -- they aren't very relevant. I think Rex has my eyes.
970919 -- There's not enough room for all of you dinosaurs. One of you must be downsized. - If it helps, these spikey things are a safety hazard. And little rex ate your ficus tree. - Thanks for being professional about this, Bob. When you put him in
970919 -- good light, how cute is he really?
970920 -- Should the dinosaurs be downsized? You decide their fate. - Vote by E-Mail: dinosaurs@unitedmedia.com A. I love the dinosaurs! B. Stick to office jokes! C. No talking animals! D. I don't have any opinions but I like to vote! E. Get rid of
970920 -- everyone so I can use the blank space for notes. - There's a Jimmy Carter here to monitor the voting. Uh-oh.
970921 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director Another evil policy. I'm a happy cat. purr purr - "Casual clothes will not be allowed this Friday..." - "...because we had Hawaiian shirt day on Wednesday." ? ? ? - Um...can you explain the logic here? - We're only
970921 -- allowed on casual day per week. Why? - If we had *two* casual days, obviously it would have an impact on earnings. - Does stupidity have an impact on our earnings, too, or is it just bad clothes? - We're only sure about bad clothes. Alice,
970921 -- you're killing us with that outfit.
970922 -- Look at the "Rolex" watch I got from a vendor. Do you know there's a corporate limit of fifty dollars for vendor gifts? Sure. - And you know that's a maximum not a minimum. Ooh. Maybe that's why he whined when I took it off his arm.
970923 -- Do you realize this is our third date? We're not dating. I'm a vendor and you're my client. - You always say the only time we can meet is during lunch. That way I'm obligated to pay for it. - You're feisty. I'd better get the oysters. Make sale
970923 -- first. Then kill customer.
970924 -- I'm putting you in charge of ISO 14000 certification. - What's the difference between that and ISO 9000? Oh, about 6000. Ha ha ha ha!! - Hey, I think I'll use that one at the stockholder meeting. Yeah, that'll wake them up.
970925 -- I understand it's your job to make sure your company can pass an ISO 14000 inspection. - And I understand that your company *pays* the inspector for *each* inspection. So? - Dogbert: ISO 14000 inspector You fail again. That's $10,000 please.
970925 -- Next time, could you actually walk around and look at stuff?
970926 -- I didn't use my brain this week. - I listened to things I already knew; I waited for people who were late; I was a passenger in my car pool. - Let's start the staff meeting. YES!! KEEPING THE STREAK ALIVE!
970927 -- We have to improve our image in the Internet community. Let's do a mass unsolicited E-Mail campaign to tell people how nice we are. - You have the look of a man who was just put in charge of implementing his own sarcastic suggestion.
970928 -- Get my approval at each phase. Finish in one month. - Let's see... You're on vacation next week. Then you're traveling. Then there's your executive retreat... - ...It takes three weeks to get on your calendar...and the project has six phases...
970928 -- - What we have here is guaranteed failure. - You've left nothing to chance on this one. - I mean, normally there's a bit of uncertainty, but you've...oh. - You've slipped into the "boss zone" where you can't see or hear employee input. - It's
970928 -- weird, I lost ten minutes, and when I woke up, my doughnuts were gone.
970929 -- I have a question about this document marked "proprietary." - If I spent my entire life searching, do you think I could find *anyone* who would care about this? - As you gain experience, you'll realize that all logical questions are considered
970929 -- insubordination.
970930 -- I have a personal crusade. - I'm going to hunt down the people who have strong opinions on subjects they don't understand. Then I'll bop them with this cardboard tube. - That would include everyone on earth except you and me. Lean over here.
971001 -- People with bad opinions The Internet should be free. Why should I have to pay some greedy corporation or look at ads??!! - I will now use this cardboard tube to explain the intricacies of capitalism. - Lesson one: *This* was something that
971001 -- should be free.
971002 -- Uh-oh. All of the stupid people you've insulted have formed a mob and surrounded our house. - We don't have to take that abuse. Let's see how long he can survive without water! Down with Dogbert - They're taking turns putting our hose in their
971002 -- mouths. I think they're trying to drink all of our water.
971003 -- A mob of stupid people attack Dogbert's house. Our plan to drink all of his hose water isn't working. Down with Dogbert - Hey, careful! You're getting water all over the grass... Down with Dogbert Wait, that gives me an idea!! - How's the
971003 -- attack going? They tried to ruin our lawn by spraying water on it. But now it's turned into a hose fight.
971004 -- Ahhh...it's going to be a glorious day of telecommuting. - There's nothing here to distract me. It's just me... - ...and my talking refrigerator. I'll bet you can't eat a whole jar of pickles.
971005 -- Mom, guess what...I got promoted! - You're talking to the new "executive engineer." - No...nobody reports to me. No...it's the same pay as before. - But I do get a *lot* more responsibility! - She's going to throw a party for me! - No...no
971005 -- gifts. No...no music. No...no food. No...no guests. - I guess it's just you and me. I'm busy that day. - I'm not allowed to get new business cards, but I can write my new title on the old ones! zzzz
971006 -- I like men who know how to communicate... - But not a man who only talks about sports, or computers, or his job, or TV, or sexx, or jokes, or his accomplishments... - That would leave...Greek mythology...and...you. No Greek stuff.
971007 -- I had fun talking to you tonight, Gilbert. - It got a little boring when you tried to steer the conversation away from me. But I managed to shut you down by looking uninterested. - It's Dilbert, not Gilbert. YAWN!
971008 -- How do you like telecommuting, Alice? It's good, except I've developed a tendency to snack. - Glug glug glug glug glug glug glug glug glug - I'm sure you'll keep your discipline. I *love* "zesty Italian" dressing Burp
971009 -- Telecommuters can eat any time they want, just like wild animals. - There's only one way they'll ever get me back in the cubicle. - Here's the plan. You'll need tranquilizer darts, a flatbed truck and a giant shoehorn. No harpoon?
971010 -- Come out of there, Alice! We know you're telecommuting! - NEVER! I'M FREE! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME GO BACK TO A CUBICLE!! - Dang
971011 -- I ask for so little - - And boy do I get it.
971012 -- I have to make a quick phone call. - Do you want to make small talk? No. - I brought a magazine. - Could you tear out a few pages for me to read? That wouldn't be right. - Give me some pages or I'll ask Alice about panty hose. You wouldn't
971012 -- dare. - So, Alice, what do you think about the concept of panty hose? - AARGH!! WHAT MORON INVENTED LEG COVERS THAT CAN BE DESTROYED BY TOUCHING A TWIG?! - Here! Make it stop!! To late. KOOK AT THIS!!!
971013 -- I'm starting a mutual fund for investors who aren't bright enough to know their alternatives. - It must be a huge market. Otherwise most people would invest in index funds. - What's an index fund? Ouch, ouch! You're making me wag too hard!
971014 -- The Dogbert mutual fund As you know, past performance is no indication of future performance. - So my strategy is to use your entire investment for my personal expenses and see what happens. - Has that strategy ever worked before? Geez, it's
971014 -- like I'm talking to a wall here.
971015 -- Studies have shown that monkeys can pick stocks better than most professionals. - That's why the Dogbert mutual fund employs only monkeys. - Yes, our fees are high, but I don't apologize for hiring the best.
971016 -- Dogbert mutual fund I don't understand why any intelligent investor would put money in a fund that has no track record. - I try to steer clear of intelligent investors. Here's my life savings. - Do you want my name and address? No, I trust you.
971017 -- Dogbert mutual fund Is it hard to write an earnings report after you steal the investors' money? - I'll just compare my fund's performance to the S&P 500 under a common set of assumptions. Oh. - How did our Dogbert fund do? "Ten percent better
971017 -- than the S&P 500 if it were also managed by an unscrupulous dog!"
971018 -- My guest today on "money chatter" is the head of the "Dogbert mutual fund." - It's reported that your fund is the highest performer of the decade. Tell us how you made it happen. Okay. - Apparently, this guy will read anything you hand him.
971019 -- Catbert: the evil director of human resources You're next. - Wally, you've been randomly selected for an employee drug test. / Randomly? Why am I the only one who gets picked every week? - You're very unlucky at work. But I'm sure you
971019 -- compensate by being lucky in love. - HA HA HA HA HA HA - Anyway...our new drug test uses hair samples... - To be safe, give me six hairs...and one whole eyebrow. - I'll come back in an hour and say I lost the box. purr purr purr
971020 -- I'm going in the sports memorabilia business. - I've heard that most autographers are forgeries, so my initial investment will be low. - Can I interest you in a baseball signed by Moses? - Wow! That's going to be worth something.
971021 -- Sports memorabilia This is the best price I've seen for a baseball autographed by Babe Ruth. - But I don't see where the autograph is. - It gets autographed later tonight. I'll take this and three of the honus wagner cards.
971022 -- You say this football was autographed by Jesus... - But I'm no fool. This isn't a football. It has stitches. They healed. - Wow! And I think I heard it oink.
971023 -- Autographs for sale Wow...A softball signed by Martin Luther, leader of the protestant reformation. - I'm impressed, but what I'm looking for is something signed by Martin Luther *King Jr.* - Too bad you don't have anything from him. -
971023 -- Check back in ten minutes.
971024 -- If you want to be promoted, you have to be highly visible. - Ask questions at meetings. But make them easy so you don't embarrass your boss. - ...so if there's an accident in a company car, where should we bury the survivors? I usually put
971024 -- them in the trunk.
971025 -- I've been seeing a beautiful woman. But something came between us. - Her curtains? - Venetian blinds. Totally unforgiving. Maybe she got spooked when you put the lawn chair in her yard.
971026 -- It has come to my attention that one of you has a social life. - There must be some mistake. - We can't be successful until our social lives are worse than the industry average. - Our competitors spend the nights in their cubicles. They
971026 -- eat from vending machines. - Someone here has *not* shown the same level of competitive spirit. - Someone had a social activity last night! - I'M SORRY! I THOUGHT THEY WERE FRIENDS... BUT THEY WERE ONLY RECRUITING FOR A MULTI-LEVEL
971026 -- MARKETING NETWORK!!! - What were they selling? Edible wax fruit...brochure?
971027 -- Alice, I've noticed a disturbing pattern. Your solutions to problems are always the things you try *last*. - With all due respect, are you using your skull to store old rags or what? - It's a good thing you said "with all due respect."
971028 -- I discovered that our pointy-haired boss doesn't know he's being insulted if you say "with all due respect" first. - I love the intangible benefits of this job. - With all due respect, is that your face or is a monkey climbing down your
971028 -- collar headfirst?
971029 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director I can't raise your salary level because you don't have ten years experience with "Java" coding. - Nobody has ten years experience with new technology! You're just being evil. Admit it. - And could yo *please*
971029 -- shake your head back and forth instead of spinning it around?
971030 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director There are several mandatory classes for managers. - *Avoiding contact with subordinates. *Misplacing important documents. *The joy of listening to your own voice. - Have you taken the prerequisite class in time
971030 -- management? Twice.
971031 -- Manager training Never be in the same room as a decision. - I'll illustrate my point with a puppet show that I call... - "Journey to Blameville," starring "Suggestion Sam" and "Manager Meg."
971101 -- Manager training You will often be asked to comment on things you don't understand. ? - These handouts contain nonsense phrases that can be used in any situation. - ...so, let's dominate our industry...with quality implementation of
971101 -- methodologies. I'll get right on it.
971102 -- Marketing department Hey! It's a magazine! - Engineering department Danger! A magazine has been discovered in marketing! - Marketing has a magazine! Gasp - Gather the other engineers. We must get that magazine. War Room Check - We think it
971102 -- was a careless mistake by someone in the mail department. - As you know, there is nothing more dangerous than a marketing person with a little bit of knowledge. - We know where the magazine will be read. We need nets, rope and tranquilizer
971102 -- darts. I'll have to ask engineering to build one of these space stations... Phoot Men
971103 -- I'm starting my own business as a masseur. - My specialty will be in-office chair massages for cubicle dwellers. - Were you planning to touch my *back* at any point? It's a *chair* massage, pervert.
971104 -- We need Cobol programmers for our mainframe millennium problem. - If you see anyone who looks like a Cobol programmer, let me know. Turn around. - Are you a Cobol programmer? No, but I'm often told I look like one. You're hired.
971105 -- You two will be in charge of rewriting our Cobol code to fix the millennium problem. - I realize you've never worked with Cobol before, Asok. That's why I'm teaming you with Bob, so you can learn from his vast experience. - So, you
971105 -- recommend waiting for a meteor to kill us all. The glaciers are way too slow.
971106 -- Most problems go away if you wait long enough, Asok. - It might look like I'm standing motionless, but I'm actively waiting for our problem to go away. - There's been a reorganization... I don't know why this works, but it does.
971107 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director You don't need to reward employees. - Just torture them less. It will feel the same as reward. - You may skip my staff meeting this week, Alice. Thank you thank you thank you.
971108 -- We'll need a risk analysis on this project before I can approve it. - Risk 1: Indecisiveness Risk 2: Overanalysis Risk 3: Cluelessness Risk 4: Micromanagement... click click click - I don't understand these risks. That's number thirty-six.
971109 -- The theme of our engineering conference is... - "Employees are our most valuable asset." - And like most assets, you decline in value over time. - I know what you're thinking: not all assets decline in value. - For example, fine art is
971109 -- worth more every year. - But I don't think the Louvre will be asking for one of these anytime soon. - On your way out, Mister Catbert will give each of you a certificate of depreciation. - It's till better than last year's theme, "Have you
971109 -- earned your air today?"
971110 -- I'm with the cubicle police. This is a safety violation. - It's perfectly valid unless you tap it with a flashlight or a dog jumps on it. - This plays right into my theory that cubicles are living organisms.
971111 -- I heard that a stack of paper fell over and killed a cubicle cop. - What did you do with the body? I enrolled it in the quality workshop next door. - It's a temporary solution. The workshop is only three days.
971112 -- ...Well, that depends on many factors involving features and usage.  - Do you engineers have a secret pact to withhold all useful information? You haven't answered one question and it's already...um... Two o'clock. - We hear you gave
971112 -- information to marketing. Just the time of day. He would have found out anyway!
971113 -- Dogbert's dating advice Women like men who have accomplishments. But they hate men who boast. - I will be your designated bragger, allowing you to appear humble. - One potential plan with this is that I have no accomplishments. If she
971113 -- isn't wearing makeup, we'll be honest too.
971114 -- Hi, Dilbert! Hi, Dogbert! Uh-oh. - She's a hugger on the first date. I never know where my arms should go. - I hope this doesn't seem awkward, but my watch is snagged on your bra strap.
971115 -- I loved it when you hugged your date and your arm got snagged on her blouse... - And it was hilarious when you tried to free your arm and accidentally ripped her top off. - But the best part was when you yelled, "I'm an engineer, not a
971115 -- diamond cutter, dang it!" Shut up.
971116 -- This is urgent, stop what you're doing and work on it right now. - Is this more urgent than what I was doing? - I don't know what you were doing. - Exactly. So how could you know if this is more urgent? - You could work late and do both. -
971116 -- Work late? Is this more important than my health? - Forget it! I'll have Alice do it. - Just out of curiosity, what *are* you doing? Playing "Quake."
971117 -- Tina, we're changing the job titles of all non-technical people. - Collectively, you'll be known as our S.C.C. group. - I like the sound of it - very dignified. We were beginning to feel like second-class citizens. What's S.C.C. stand for?
971118 -- All great ideas look like bad ideas to people who are losers. - It's always good to test a new idea with known losers to make sure they don't like it. - Dogbert's research Co. What a coincidence. We*both* lost three homes in flood zones.
971119 -- Let's begin.
971120 -- Dogbert research Co. First question: What would you losers do if a small dog with glasses took advantage of you? - We would complain to the...um...whoever handles that sort of thing! Yeah! - Bureau of Dogs It costs fifty bucks to file a
971120 -- complaint? And ten bucks to borrow a pen.
971121 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director The company has no implied contract to keep you employed, Wally. - But we expect total loyalty out of you. - I really, REALLY wish you wouldn't do your face-stretching exercises here every morning! 1-2-3...
971122 -- The new fog is rolling in. - This can only mean one thing. - Carol, schedule a staff meeting. It's time to reorganize the department.
971123 -- When you show this to our VP, put in some revenue figures. - There's no revenue. All we're doing is upgrading our network. - I might have told him the project has revenues. - Let's not confuse him by changing the story now. Yi-yi-yi -
971123 -- O-o-o-okay. How much revenue do you want. A million dollars? - I might have told him it was more. - JUST TELL ME WHAT LIE TO USE!!! - Can't you calculate it on the spreadsheet? Must...control...fist...of...death...
971124 -- I'm here to install you ISDN phone line. - This will only take twenty minutes...unless something unexpected happens. - Great, because I need it tomorrow. Uh-oh...your wire goes into a little hole in the wall.
971125 -- Installing an ISDN line First we need to make sure your phone line is connected to our network. - I'll yank the wire while you listen for a "whump" sound at the central office. - I heard something.
971126 -- Installing an ISDN line These digital phone lines require a very different installation process. - You'll have to show me your spids now. - What happened after the slap fight? Then it got awkward.
971127 -- The installation is successful. I have 128 kilobits per second of digital access to the Internet. - As tradition requires, I do the engineer's victory dance. - ...So if I ever have to kill him, the jury will realize it's justified. Could
971127 -- you hurry?
971128 -- This is an authentic baby, less than one week old. - As I feed this authentic baby in front of you, recall how big my stomach was last week. - So, do I still need a note from my doctor to explain my absence? Yes, unless you can prove where
971128 -- Mickey Rooney is right now.
971129 -- From now on, we'll only hire people with masters degrees from the top colleges. - I don't have a master's degree from a top college. I'm insulted by this new policy. - And new hires must be this tall to work here. HEY!!
971130 -- Ken, may we have a word with you? - We heard that you gave an interesting presentation at the sales staff meeting. Thanks. - Our spies gave us copies of your slides. - You told them that our new product kills mold and mildew. Won't it. -
971130 -- WE MAKE SOFTWARE! - SO? HAVEN'T YOU EVER HEARD OF THE PLACEBO EFFECT?!!! - Stunned silence. - ...In company news, our entire sales force shriveled up and died for no apparent reason.
971201 -- Asok, at this company, we think our interns are as important as minks to a mink coat. - Um... Minks do not enjoy any of the benefits of the mink coat. - And they're good eatin', too! I must report you to the analogy police.
971202 -- Analogy police Open - My boss said I was as important as a mink is to a mink coat. That sounds fine to me. - But the mink dies. I guess you won't be leaving a full fifteen percent tip.
971203 -- Are you sure this is where I report the misuse of analogies? You're dressed very odd. - It's casual day. - That's the most frightening outfit I've ever seen. You haven't seen my bicycle pants.
971204 -- I used to be Phil, the ruler of heck. My pitchspoon was feared by all who committed minor sins. - Then I made the mistake of merging with a company that makes non-alcoholic beer. I was ousted. - THEY SAID WE'D HAVE SYNERGY!!! Maybe it was
971204 -- just a bad pun.
971205 -- Can you help me write a resume? Yes, for a large fee. - How do I know you're qualified? Check my resume. - I'm having trouble believing that you invented coffee. Check my patent.
971206 -- Career counseling I'd be good at any job involving sin. - Perhaps something in the Bingo field...or maybe budget work. How about marketing? - I *HAVE* a soul. It's just a small one. Gotcha. No marketing...no auditing...no garment
971206 -- manufacturing.
971207 -- It is my pleasure to present the weekly "Wally Status Report" - This week I developed what I call "process pride." - It all started when I realized I have no impact on earnings. - Obviously I can't take pride in the *results* of my work.
971207 -- Obviously. - But I need pride. Otherwise, how could I maintain my high level of morale? - So I learned to take pride in my processes instead of my results. - Everything I do is still pointless, but I'm very proud of the way I do it. - Is
971207 -- that all you did this week? Hey, I'm only one person.
971208 -- When you're with a woman, everything you say will lower her opinion of you. - But I can give her compliments, right? NO! That's the worst thing! - Women keep a log of all compliments. They analyze the pattern to identify negative trends.
971208 -- Should I use my real name?
971209 -- Grunt grunt. You're absolutely right. Grunt grunt grunt. - Grunt grunt grunt Someone coached you well for this date. You haven't said anything I object to yet. - Date-Analyzer Grunt I see cubicle fibers...you have an office job.
971210 -- Grunt grunt. You're right. Grunt. All you do is grunt and agree with me. - I'd be lying if I said I didn't like it. You're an excellent conversationalist... It's a trap. - Aw, shucks. I'm not excellent at anything. You're *too* perfect.
971210 -- You've been COACHED!
971211 -- Sooner or later you'll say something that will lower my opinion of you. Grunt. - Men are like time bombs. At any moment you'll say something that will ruin the magic. I'm an engineer. - AAARGH!! KILL ME!! KILL ME!! I'll give you one kiss,
971211 -- no tongue.
971212 -- I finished all of my work. Can I go home early? No. - You're an 'exempt' employee. That means you're exempt from having a live. - I guess I could clench an unimportant document and shuffle around in quiet desperation. That's the spirit!
971213 -- We'll probably have to work all night on this presentation, Asok. - That's brilliant! You plan to use your inefficiency to make your procrastination look like martyrdom! - Now I have to kill you. Please do. Reincarnation is my only hope.
971214 -- We don't have a cubicle available for you yet, Bruce. - So I'm declaring this part of the carpet to be your office. - If someone goes to a meeting, you can sneak into his cubicle and use his phone. - Our computer budget is gone, but we
971214 -- have an old monitor that you could put on top of your briefcase. - Can I put tape on the carpet to mark my boundary? - That won't be necessary, thanks to this hi-tech device. A dog collar? - It will give you a mild shock if you cross your
971214 -- invisible boundary. - The new guy hasn't left that spot for a week. - Wally taught him to beg for food.
971215 -- Dilbert, I hired some contract employees from North Elbonia to help your project. - North Elbonia is an evil totalitarian regime. My project will create top secret military technology to use against them. - Sure, but you have to weigh that
971215 -- against the fact that they're willing to work for free.
971216 -- I'm a *little* concerned about your hiring communist north Elbonian contractors to help on my top secret military project. - Don't worry. What's the worst thing that could happen? I could be executed for treason. - Talk to our legal
971216 -- department. Could I opt for the execution instead?
971217 -- The company lawyer I'm working on a top secret military project. My boss hired some North Elbonians to help me. - They're communists. If I give them any information, I could be guilty of treason. I could be *executed* - Can you help? Sure.
971217 -- What would I have to do - pull a lever?
971218 -- Don't worry that we'll take any military technology secrets back to North Elbonia. - We signed these little agreements that say we won't. - HA HA HA HA HA!! Moving on...
971219 -- My project has hit a little snag. - Our north Elbonian contractors stole our military technology for their belligerent homeland. They're building a huge laser to vaporize us. - Next year, remind me to include contract employees in the
971219 -- team-building workshop. The floor is warm!
971220 -- ...The North Elbonians stole our military technology. We think they're building a huge laser to use against us. - Ask Tina the tech writer to create a user manual for them. Remind Tina how the North Elbonians treat women. - Later in North
971220 -- Elbonia Okay...the timer is set...we're lined up in single file...now we sing a Helen Reddy song.
971221 -- I'm back from training. - I got a big binder. - The training is already forgotten, but the binder will last forever. - A living monument to temporary knowledge! - I'll put it in my cubicle with the others. - Speaking of my cubicle, which
971221 -- direction is it? - Okay, thanks. That information should be in a binder. - Did he approve funding our project? Not yet. Step one was to free up funds from the training budget.
971222 -- Hi, I'm the illogical scientist. - I'm much smarter than you because scientists have invented many things. - But those are *other* scientist, not you. - Apparently you don't understand science.
971223 -- Hi. I'm Dan, the illogical scientist. - That idea won't work. I know because I've read many reports about ideas that didn't work. - You haven't even looked at my idea. Oh, I get it: you're one of those religious nuts.
971224 -- Hi. I'm Dan, the illogical scientist. That software you're writing will never work, and I can prove it. - I don't mean to be rude, but it's not logically possible to prove something *can't* be done. - It's impossible for most people, but
971224 -- *I'm* a trained scientist. Did the training involve electric shocks?
971225 -- You're my role model, Wally. - Despite all the pressure and frustration, you press on. You bend but you do not break. - My motto is "they can't break you if you don't have a spine." Wow. You're like a philosopher!
971226 -- My role model is using deception to improve his time management. Wally is dead. Sorry. - And now the daily planning session. zzzz - Asok, I don't think you've picked an ideal role model. Asok is dead.
971227 -- Wally the role model There's an art to sarcasm, Asok. - If you use your boss's own words, you can't be disciplined for insubordination. And do this with your lips. - Today I focused my resources on adding value to the product process. Our
971227 -- shareholders would be delighted to know that.
971228 -- Making soup is easy for a highly trained engineer. - I don't seem to have any "coarse sea salt." - I'll just mix regular salt with water. - Corn starch...hmm...that's basically flour. - Marjoram...I think that's french for butter. - "five
971228 -- inches of parmigiano-reggiano cheese rind." Uh-oh. - Eggs are basically cheese that comes from chickens. - Is this supposed to be served hot? You're thinking of Gazpacho.
971229 -- So, I'm thinking: What if every photon is just a densely packed universe, and to them, our universe looks like a photon? - If I'm right, I might be the first rat to win a Nobel Prize. - Stranger things have happened. Name one.
971230 -- So...each photon is a universe...then mass is just a probability cluster? That's how I see it. - Wow! I think my tiny skull is so full it's going to explode. Let me get a tarpaulin. - Have you been talking to our garbage man again? Don't
971230 -- get too close.
971231 -- ...As your consciousness passes through each universe, you tend to follow a line of probability. Got it. - And since it's more probable than matter is near other matter, you have the illusion of gravity as your consciousness moves toward
971231 -- the norm. - Did you get all that, Ratbert? - Hey, I'm not stupid. Does this Norm guy have a last name?
980101 -- I submitted our garbage man's philosophy to the Nobel Prize Committee. - I hope I wrote the theory right. I don't know shorthand so I used pig latin to save time. - Nobel Prize Committee What's an "Otonphay"? I love what you're doing wit
980101 -- your hair.
980102 -- Nobel Prize Committee Okay, we've narrowed it down to the theories we don't understand. - In science, the simplest solution is usually the best. Which of these theories is the simplest solution? - Well...that would be whatever is on top of
980102 -- the pile. Are we *sure* we can't vote for ourselves?
980103 -- Now that you've won the Nobel Prize, I guess you'll leave the garbage industry. No. - I'd miss the action. I'd miss the smells...the sights...the people... ...the rats. - I accidentally threw out a paper plate last week. Would you look for
980103 -- it? I'm kidding about the people part.
980104 -- I'll never get drunk. I don't want to be out of control. - Are you in control at work? - Well...no - Are you in control when you're on a date? - I can't get a date. - And whose idea was it to go on this walk? Yours. - Are you saying I
980104 -- should get drunk? No, no. - I'm saying the decision will be made by the beer companies. I hope they say it's okay.
980105 -- Did you go for a walk at lunch? Not exactly. - I got a bomb threat. I didn't tell anyone else, just in case it was a hoax. - It was only yesterday that I was saying my morale couldn't be lower. I bought a lottery ticket to increase the
980105 -- potential irony.
980106 -- Performance review Alice, I had to ding you for not keeping me informed about your project. - May I take a peek at your computer? - You have twelve thousand unread messages. Well, it's a little late for that now.
980107 -- Let's see...it looks like you haven't signed Ted's card yet. - STAMP - Do you thin "Congratulations" is appropriate for a death in his family? You never know.
980108 -- Are you free on Friday for Ted's surprise party? - Party? You don't give a party for someone who has a death in his family. Well...we got him a card, then flowers. It just snowballed. - I assume this will all be in good taste. I can't
980108 -- promise that. Karaoke is really hit or miss.
980109 -- Ted's brother was a mobster. Last week he was killed by a rival family's hit team. - We got Ted a sympathy card, then it snowballed into a surprise party for tomorrow. My job is to write a funny song. - For *he's* a buried good fellow...
980109 -- for he's a buried good fellow... which nobody can deny. Good.
980110 -- You'll have to write this in less technical terms for me... - Make it even less technical for my boss... even less for our VP... even less for for our EVP... much less for our CEO. - ...and compared to all the other technologies, there's a
980110 -- big difference in the mouth area.
980111 -- Wally, this is Rex Tangle, our newest employee. - Rex was specifically bred to work in a cubicle. - He looks like he'll fit right in. - Ask him about his personal life. - Rex, how's your personal life going? - I don't have one. That would
980111 -- be like stealing from the company. - Do you eat lunch? I would enjoy a good square meal. - Meet the future. Hello, you round pegs!
980112 -- Blind people often have excellent hearing. The brain compensates for any lost function by bolstering others. - In all likelihood, Ratbert, you're so dumb that you have telekinetic power. Wow! - I have the power to watch Television!
980113 -- I will debunk your ludicrous claim of psychic ability with one hundred flips of this coin. - Call it. Edge. - That is just a coincidence. I call edge for the next 99 too.
980114 -- Just because you guesses a hundred coin flips in a row doesn't mean you're psychic. Coincidences do happen. - I call seven rotations followed by an inexplicable hovering and hen noises. - That is luck... luck, luck, luck, luck, lick! Are
980114 -- we done now?
980115 -- Is this the "Skeptics Association"? I need your help to prove my rat isn't psychic. - My name is Dilbert. Yes, I can prove it: I have a passport and a driver's license. Well, yeah, it's easy to get fake id, but... - Hours later... ...okay,
980115 -- what if I take a DNA test? NO, I CAN'T PROVE I'VE NEVER BEEN CLONED!!
980116 -- I'm glad the "Skeptics Association" sent you to debunk my rat's claim of ESP. - The others don't go out much since their bad experiences as jurors on the O.J.Simpson trial. - Well, I'm glad you could make it. Let's hurry. I have to debunk
980116 -- the so-called Hubble Telescope later today.
980117 -- Ken the Skeptic... I alone know the contents of this envelope. - It's a charcoal drawing of a woodchuck eating a small orange. - Nice try, you little fraud, but that's a long way from an ink drawing of a beaver eating a tangerine.
980118 -- Here's my bill. - It's for all the time we've spent together when I didn't enjoy it. - If it wasn't fun, it must have been work. - Dogbert, let me explain what friendship is all about. - Friendship is about giving freely of oneself. It's
980118 -- about trust and sharing. - Now, I expect you'll want this back. Yes. - I need to round it up to the next hour. - No checks. You have the face of a deadbeat. I don't think I'm reaching you.
980119 -- I've used the scientific method to debunk 100% of the people who claim that they have mental powers. - Are you saying that every test you perform turns out the the way you predict it will? - What's your point? YOU'VE PROVEN THAT YOU'RE
980119 -- PSYCHIC!
980120 -- Dogbert and the Skeptic If your controlled tests have *never* found psychic powers, how do you know the test works for that sort of thing? - Isn't that like using a metal detector to find out if there are unicorns in your sock drawer? NO!
980120 -- - Later that night A Skeptic checks *all* the drawers.
980121 -- The sales force was offered a retirement buyout package of fifty dollars. - One hundred percent of the sales force elected to take the offer. - I wonder what they know that I don't know. *There's* a hole with no bottom.
980122 -- I'd quit and become an entrepreneur, but I don't know how to handle such huge risks. Denial, probably. - We got bought by our archrival this morning. - Their CEO says he plans to be as "humane" as possible. He sounds nice. Maybe we'll get
980122 -- bonuses!
980123 -- Don't worry about my flu, Alice. Germs don't fly through the air. - ACHOOO! - Remember, germs don't fly through the air. Yours are gonna.
980124 -- I finished my work despite having a slight flu. Here's your copy. - Um...you should give that copy to Wally. Wally isn't on this project. - I know. I just figure he has the least reason to live.
980125 -- It's time to go home. That means... - Hi. Right on schedule. - Wait, let me guess why you're here. - You want to discuss a document that's been on your desk for a month. - It's something that could easily wait until tomorrow. - But you'll
980125 -- insist that I handle it now because you're a sociopath. - Wrong. I majored in Anthropology. - But that was a spookily accurate guess about the document.
980126 -- I appointed myself  "deputy of common sense." - I will apply swift justice to those who exhibit a lack of common sense. - So, it's swift justice for people who aren't too swift? And I'm using a chocolate gun for irony.
980127 -- Deputy of common sense FREEZE! - You scheduled a four-hour meeting to find out why people are behind schedule! - No, look at the agenda! The fourth hour is a discussion about why morale is low! Shoot him.
980128 -- Deputy of common sense You are accused of trying to motivate your employees with insulting gifts. - You're missing the symbolism. I gave them chess pieces to show that we're all on the same team. - Specifically, you gave them pawns. I'm
980128 -- saving the rooks for bonus day.
980129 -- Deputy of common sense Are you the government safety inspector? Yup. I love my job. - Watch your step! HEY! - How does your boss determine your pay? It's based on the decrease in accidents after my inspection.
980130 -- Maybe I should quit and work for myself at home. - I would miss all the human contact. - Same as now. I'm testing my E-Mail. Did you get the "E" I sent?
980131 -- I'm thinking of quitting and working for myself. Come work for me. - Doing what? You'll invent valuable things and I'll exploit you...I mean them. - I'm not sure you'd be the best boss, Dogbert. Don't give me that input, you "resource."
980201 -- Let's start by introducing ourselves. - I'm Susan Block from I.T.G. I work for Emily Wooten. - I'm Max Blumf, I work for Susan. - I'm Alice, I work for...uh...I... - AAAGH!!! I'M FILLED WITH SHAME BY ASSOCIATION!!! - WHY ME? WHY WHY WHY -
980201 -- PLEASE TAKE ME INTO YOUR GROUP! I'M NOT TAINTED!!! - Can we start over? I forgot who the first three people are. SOB
980202 -- WARNING!! Author Norman Solomon has determined that the Dilbert comic strip is harmful to workers. - I will demonstrate the danger with this carefully controlled experiment. - Have your plans for rebellion been replaced by sarcasm and
980202 -- complacency? And I think I'm going bald!
980203 -- My new policy is to discriminate against single people. It's totally legal! - Write your marital status on this list, so I know who has no reason to go home at night. - Dang! What are the odds you'd all be polygamists?
980204 -- I'd like to talk about my career path. Okay. - My plan is to work you until your health deteriorates and your skills are obsolete. Then I'll downsize you. - I'm ill. Really? I've never had a plan work this fast before.
980205 -- I'm wearing my work clothes while I telecommute, to maintain discipline. Is it working? - I'll test the theory by seeing if my clothes stop me from going to the kitchen. - Apparently my clothes are defective. Haven't I been saying that?
980206 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director The company knows about you, Wally. - We have logs of all your phone calls, Web hits and E-Mail. We have your urine test, college grades, salary and family contacts... - It's against our policy to kill employees
980206 -- and replace them with low-paid impersonators, but I wanted you to know it's feasible.
980207 -- Our new E-Mail monitoring system shows that you sent a personal message last week. - Coincidentally, the new Alice monitoring system detects twenty hours of unpaid overtime. - According to the manual, productivity will soar now.
980208 -- Beep...beep...boop...now detecting cluelessness in the vicinity.
980209 -- I suggest that you deal with the issue on a going forward basis. - Thanks for ruling out time travel. You're usually not that helpful. - Are you saying he understands the concept of "time" now? Or he just got lucky on this one.
980210 -- Is it my imagination or am I getting sexier every day? - The mirror doesn't lie. I*am* getting sexier. - I've decided to be a supermodel. Okay, but stay away from Kryptonite.
980211 -- Do you have any "silly putty" I can use as a fake beauty mark? - Maybe you should use less. There's no such thing as too much beauty. - Meanwhile, at fashion headquarters... We got away with "heroin chic." What's next? How about dogs with
980211 -- tumors?
980212 -- Fashion headquarters You could be our next supermodel. I love the tumor. It's a beauty mark. - We prefer our supermodels to look unhealthy, in a sexy way. Okay, it's a tumor. - I can add a few more. It's just "silly putty." No, it would be
980212 -- easy to overdo that sort of thing.
980213 -- Dogbert the supermodel Your first assignment is a lingerie shoot. You'll be wearing black socks. - There's nothing sexier than a short, round guy in black socks. - Wow! It works! QUICK! GET ME A BIG BLOCK OF ICE TO SIT ON!
980214 -- How does it feel to be a sex symbol? Good. Playgirl In socks! - I realized that what's inside a person doesn't count because no one can see it. - I didn't realize you were such a philosopher. That's my point!
980215 -- I finished the technical recommendation you requested. - At first I was miffed that you told me what recommendation you wanted. - It made me feel useless and weak. - But rather than dwell on my powerlessness... - I decided to find joy
980215 -- in the one decision I *can* make. - I chose a Helvetica type font. And I never looked back. - Oh, so that's what's wrong with it. - I coach and I coach, but they still walk out of here all rubber-legged.
980216 -- I've been chosen for the industrial espionage program. - The plan is that I quit this job and work for our competitor. Every week I'll send back secret reports. - Bob, this is how we fire dumb people. That's why it's the perfect cover.
980217 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director The company's goal is to double the efficiency of all employees. - Question: If we double our efficiency, won't you downsize half of us? - Don't talk to anyone in marketing; they aren't so good at math.
980218 -- I'm going to make an infomercial. - I'm targeting the people who want to invest their savings but don't know how. - I hope you plan to sell educational information about how to avoid scams. Good idea for phase two!
980219 -- Would you like to make $1,000 per month for a whole year? - Send $13,000 for complete information about Dogbert No-load funds. - I'll include my free pamphlet explaining how to lose weight by eating less food. Show the number.
980220 -- Dogbert the consultant From now on, refer to your employees as "knowledge assets." - That will send an unmistakable message. - He calls us "knowledge assets" now. He must think we're complete morons. It's an unmistakable message.
980221 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director Your personal lifes reflect on this company. - From now on, a strict dress code will be enforced in your homes. - On the plus side, it's one less decision I have to make every day.
980222 -- Happy birthday, Alice! - I was planning to get a gift... - But then I thought... - Why not give the money to charity an Alice's name? - Really? Which charity? - Um..."The united society of poor people with major health problems." - ...and
980222 -- Dilbert got me an ashtray, even though I don't smoke. You don't? - They say this sort of thing builds team spirit. It must be gradual.
980223 -- I believe it's what's inside a person that counts. How can you get respect for hidden qualities? - You have to act humble while generating as many clues as possible. - So, you recommend being a deceitful, manipulative, hypocritical, braggart?
980223 -- It's a funny world.
980224 -- I've been hired to find the gullible fool who continues to send anonymous chain letters to everyone. - I place the "curse of Dogbert" on all past and future senders of chain letters. - I think I saw Wally flinch.
980225 -- Oh-no! I got an E-Mail chain letter. It says I'll die if I don't send it to ten more people. - But if forward the message, the "curse of Dogbert" will be upon me. - ...So, I figured a curse is better than certain death, right? Spank you very
980225 -- much.
980226 -- ...And the "Dogbert curse" strikes anyone who sends a chain letter. But the letter said I'd die if I didn't. - You're the world's smartest garbage man; how would you handle this? - Did you know there's also a "garbage man's curse" for people
980226 -- who send chain letters?
980227 -- Are you a victim of a curse? Yes, I am. - Next on "20/20," John Stossel shows you the cure. - Ha! After the commercial I will get valuable information for people like me! Well, well. It seems my old nemesis, John Stossel, has been busy.
980228 -- Our new slogan is, "pressure makes diamonds." - How about, "pressure makes garbage more compact"? I wonder if that one is that taken. - I hate this strong job market for engineers. - "Irritation makes pearls." Or maybe "pressure makes whine."
980301 -- Good news on our budget. I made some recalculations last night. - I found a way to give more money to every project without increasing the total budget for projects! - Question: Does your new way involve poor math skills? - Ignore the skeptic.
980301 -- Hey, I have a suggestion! ? - Maybe you could recalculate our salary budget next. - And when was the last time you recalculated our vacation days? - I calculate that we have an hour left for this meeting. But I'm interested in *your*
980301 -- calculation. - I think we got greedy when we asked if he had change for a five.
980302 -- I need help on the assignment that you said is a "no brainer." - It's easy. Just skip the "interface design" phase and make everything beige. You can't go wrong with beige. - I always know where to go for no-brainer decisions.
980303 -- Project status Due to budget cuts, our new project will have no user interface. - Our target market is people who are too shy to return products. - Is it a bad sign if you spend the day wondering why there are no laws against what you do for
980303 -- a living?
980304 -- Sales conference Here's the product you'll be selling next quarter. It has *no* user interface! - That means no bulky user manual. And no loss of function during a power outage! - You were right. Our sales people can't distinguish good from
980304 -- evil. I strained a smile muscle. Clap clap clap clap
980305 -- From now on, I'll be using the chaos theory of management. - ? ? ? - And this will be different how? Now there's a name for it.
980306 -- It takes a certain type of personality to telecommute, Dogbert. What? - Just because other people have personalities doesn't mean *you* should try to develop one. - I *have* a personality! Let's not get into that "is zero a number" debate
980306 -- again.
980307 -- I estimated the hours it would take to do an excellent job on all the projects you've assigned. - That would be fifty hours a day. So I recalculated for "adequate" results. That would be forty hours per day. - Well, to make a long story short,
980307 -- let's skip down to "complete fiduciary misconduct." Blah blah blah blah blah
980308 -- Tina, we need to set measurable objects for you. - I'm a technical writer. How can you measure good writing? - Everything is measurable if you try hard enough. - Is that your well-reasoned opinion? - Or is it the dogmatic babbling of a manager
980308 -- in total cognitive surrender? - For example, we could measure the number of words you type. - We'll have to subtract the words you delete. That way we won't motivate the wrong behavior. - In this edition of Tina's hourly newsletter, I compare
980308 -- our projects to various types of wood.
980309 -- This is very technical. I'll explain... - SNAP - Gallery of googly-eyed marketeers Drool! Good one.
980310 -- Alice, I'm sending you to Elbonia to inspect our factory. - Fill out a trip justification form for my approval. - So, I need your approval to do what you told me to do? It will not be unreasonably withheld.
980311 -- I'm off to Elbonia, the land of waist-deep mud and misogyny. - On the plus side, you can kick people and blame if on the mud weasels. - What's wrong, Yugi? One second you are complimenting this chick, next second screaming. Mud weasel.
980312 -- Elbonian factory tour This is the sweat shop where we make our company's product. - We attach huge clamps to each employee's head. Why? - We tried cubicles but it damaged morale.
980313 -- Here's my report on the hideous treatment of employees in our Elbonian factory. - The employees are forced to wear huge clamps on their heads. - Then I said, "the employees can't complain because they have no union." Swift.
980314 -- I'll call you back in one hour, Irene. - You're in a different time zone, so you'll get the call in...um...three hours. - Really? You're three hours *ahead*? Then that means...whoa! You're freaking me out here!
980315 -- While you toil in utter futility, I'm building my personal "brand equity." - I'm increasing my skills and my contacts every day. - My dream is to become the "Kleenex" of engineers! - 'Scuse me. I have real work to do. - Ooh...sneeze coming. -
980315 -- AAAAH... - CHOO! - I think of Wally as the "Kleenex" of engineers. Me too.
980316 -- I just read that the average woman is paid 75 cents for every dollar that men make. It's an outrage! - I'm the highest paid engineer in the company. - That's impossible. The article says "average women" earn less. Suddenly, the problem comes
980316 -- into focus.
980317 -- This article says men are paid 25% more than women. How do you explain that? - Actually, it says women make 75 cents for every dollar that men make. That's *33%* more for men. - I suppose there's almost no chance you'll praise me for my math
980317 -- skills right now.
980318 -- Alice, one day I hope we can be judged by our accomplishments and not our gender. - I got my fourteenth patent today. I'm on my way to a lunch banquet in my honor. - And you wore *that*?
980319 -- Our user manual has a typo. Our technical support calls are going to a phone sex place. - Complaints are way down. - Customer's house Well, okay, but...has that ever worked? No complaints yet.
980320 -- I'll need a letter of reference to apply for a job in another division. No problem. - ...For a man of his hygiene, he doesn't steal as much as you think. I suspect he's on drugs. - And then he says you're prone to anger and denial. Is that
980320 -- true? NO!!
980321 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director My boss is preventing me from transferring to a great job. - That's outrageous! There shouldn't be any great jobs in this company. - Once again, you've made a bad situation worse. That's the human resources promise.
980322 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director - There's been a slight change in the vacation policy. - Are we getting more vacation days? - You must be new here. - As you know, all vacation time must be used in the year it is earned. - I realize this is not
980322 -- always convenient. So I've decided to be flexible. - From now on, any time you spend in the restroom will count as vacation. - We should complain. If you need me, I'll be taking a porcelain cruise.
980323 -- My new product is a database of famous serial killers. - You can search the database by name, weapon or tattoo. - Let me guess, Wally: Six months ago our young intern asked you what the term "killer application" meant.
980324 -- I can replace your cubicles with "personal habitats." - They look exactly like cubicles, but we've made huge advances in what they're called. Is it expensive? - If money is an issue, you could start with the "hellhole junior" model and
980324 -- upgrade later. Do you have pictures?
980325 -- Your cubicle has been replaced by a "personal habitat." - It's exactly like your cubicle but much less cluttered. - Hey, all my stuff is in the trash can! That's a funny thing to call your personal storage unit.
980326 -- I'm the rag man from project luser. - Budget cuts have hit our project hard. I'm forced to beg for resources. - I can spare some pencil shavings. Excellent! We make coffee out of that.
980327 -- Can you spare any office supplies? I'm on an underfunded project. - How about a three-ring binder with one ring? Score! - I'll melt into the background and let you get back to your palace and your fancy coffee. It's a mocha.
980328 -- I hate being on an underfunded project. - Can you spare some resources, lady? How about that intern? Are you using him? - First you have to learn how to give yourself a sponge bath at the water fountain.
980329 -- I can only give you a two percent raise this year, Alice. - Because your job was not very challenging. - How could you possibly think it wasn't challenging? - You exceeded all your goals without complaining. - Compare that to Wally's
980329 -- performance. He complained all year. - And he missed every goal! Now *that's* a challenging job! - WALLY IS A FILTHY WEASEL! - Maybe his hygiene isn't the best, but he was right when he said you would stab him in the back.
980330 -- I can't give you a raise because you're above the salary midpoint. But at least your stock options are doing great! - I don't have any stock options. Oh. I'm probably thinking of me. - Next, it says I should coach you on your interpersonal
980330 -- skills.
980331 -- Is it my imagination, or is your necktie getting shorter every day? Heh heh... - I'm gradually moving toward casual clothes. In six months this necktie will be gone and no one will notice. - Everyone noticed when you went bald. I'm bald?
980401 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director I'm not enjoying my job. - Take this powerful anti-depressant drug for the rest of your life. I didn't know H.R. could prescribe drugs. - I'd hate a world where that was illegal. "Boss-proof cap."
980402 -- Human resources is prescribing powerful antidepressants to improve morale. - The label says it may cause "unwarranted optimism about your dead-end job." - I gotta get me some of that.
980403 -- Look at the warning label on Alice's anti-depressants. - It can cause fatigue, disorientation, memory loss, and lack of sex. - I wonder how long we've been taking them. There's no way to know.
980404 -- Alice is overdosing on antidepressants. We must induce vomiting. - Look at our mission statement, Alice. The people who wrote it earn ten times your salary. - The plan worked perfectly, up to the point where all three of us were heaving
980404 -- and Alice was punching on us.
980405 -- ...Now let's look at our year-to-date variance in depreciation. - Only five minutes left of our four-hour meeting. zzzzzz - If he keeps droning, there won't be any time for *my* presentation. zzzzz - I spent a whole week preparing my
980405 -- presentation. zzzz zzz - Everyone else is already asleep. - My only hope is to stun the presenter with a stale donut. - As you can see, there's nothing to report. - I wasted a donut. zzzz zzzz
980406 -- I am Mordac, the preventer of information services. I bring new guidelines for passwords. - "All passwords must be at least six characters long...include numbers and letters...include a mix of upper and lower case..." - "Use different
980406 -- passwords for each system. Change once a month. Do not write anything down." Squeal like a pig!!!
980407 -- I am Mordac, the preventer of information services. I come to confiscate your non-standard computer. - You'll give me a new one, right? This is heavier than it looks. - I'll have to disable it and leave it here. The new one is already on
980407 -- its way, right?
980408 -- Request denied. The information services department does not upgrade non-standard computers. - It's not a upgrade. It's a replacement. Our policy is that it's an upgrade unless you discard the old one. - Your trash is declined. Our policy
980408 -- is "no computers."
980409 -- I'm not allowed to get a new computer until I get rid of this old one. - The janitor won't allow it in the trash; union rules won't let me carry it to storage. So I built this catapult. - Like I always say, every problem has an engineering
980409 -- solution.
980410 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director There will be no layoffs after the merger. - However, many of you will be transferred to jobs on a frozen asteroid. - Will we have protective space suits? I label you "not a team player."
980411 -- If I don't accept the transfer to a frozen asteroid, I'll be surplussed. - Ted, let me show you something on this map. - See this tiny island? Yes. That's where the people who care live.
980412 -- I criticize my co-workers to make myself look smart. - Apparently it isn't working. - What do you mean by that? - Nothing. Ooh, that reminds me to add nuts to my grocery list. - I recommend that we have weekly sessions until you run out of
980412 -- money. - Can you cure me? - No, I'm paid by the hour. I'll give you problems you've never even heard of. - We have a few minutes today. Would you like a false memory? Maybe something with aliens?
980413 -- I just gave my two-week notice. - YES! YES! THE ARROGANT, OBSTRUCTIONIST BORE IS HISTORY! - Everyone seems to be taking this rather well. Count me in for the goodbye lunch!
980414 -- I'm glad he quit. He was such an obnoxious, useless co-worker. - We had to be nice to him because we needed his his cooperation. The jerk! - He should check expiration date on his cologne! Next time, I will *not* give two weeks' notice.
980415 -- I'm collecting for Ed's farewell gift. - Ed, you treated me like dirt. I find you guilty and I fine you five dollars. - I just put that in here. Come back if you get more.
980416 -- Heh heh. Ed is barely out the door and I got his old computer. The scavenging was good today. - Alice is going to be miffed that she's too late for the good stuff. - You got his pants? It wasn't easy. He'd already made it to the bus.
980417 -- I fought to get your project classified as our top priority. - Did you get my E-Mail saying the project isn't feasible? - I'll wait until tomorrow to tell him he's chairman of the "quality festival."
980418 -- Alice, I'm the new guy. I look smarter than the people who already work here. - As you get to know me, I'll look dumber and dumber. - That was fast. Ooga.
980419 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director You look stressed out, Alice. - I could fix that by becoming a champion for improvements in the workplace. - Or I could give you a little booklet called "stress no more." - Hmm...I wonder which way is best. - -
980419 -- "Stress is your body's way of saying..." - "...you haven't worked enough unpaid overtime."  - I've never seen a woman's forehead ignite her hair before.
980420 -- I'm going to a very important conference. What's it for? - The brochure says the goal is to "create interaction around local and global issues of the coming century." - You're being sarcastic with your ears again. It sounds so exciting!
980421 -- At the airport Hey, Dilbert! We must be taking the same flight! - I'll change my seat assignment so we can talk for six hours. Oh, no! That's okay! - These flights can be very long if you don't have someone to listen to your golf stories.
980422 -- Before I check you in, let me explain something... - You're here for a technology conference. I am the only attractive woman who will talk to you for days. I am not free for coffee later. - Can I brush your hand when you give me the key?
980422 -- I'll toss it to you.
980423 -- At the conference They have some great keynote speakers here. - There's a CEO... A politician... Another CEO... And a cartoonist. - In this cartoon, Gilbert goes to a conference that has no useful content. I know guys like that.
980424 -- At the conference I liked your talk about your comic strip. Do you ever feel burned out? - You have to be funny every day. Then there are the books, the media, the speaking. So much stress... - Oops. #!*@*
980425 -- Ahh...sweet cubicle, I have returned from my trip. - It's just like being in a womb. - I just wanted to poke my head in and say hi.
980426 -- Our special guest is Tod, from the research department. - We recently did a study to assess the value of our previous research. - Sadly, all of our past work was either ignored or totally misinterpreted by idiots... - ...such as yourselves.
980426 -- So from now on, rather than do research, we'll just lie. - Play along and we'll make sure the "industry salaries" study goes your way. - Well, it's two o'clock, and that's quitting time in the research department. - You're not my role
980426 -- model anymore...I've found a new one.
980427 -- Dogbert the consultant I can give you excellent advice for $50,000 per month... - If budget is a problem, I also offer *bad* advice for the low price of $45,000 per month. - That's not a good sign.
980428 -- I saved a lot of money by hiring a low-priced consultant. - These aren't the best recommendations in the world, but the price was very reasonable. - I don't like this one about rolling on unwashed hamburger patties. Keep an open mind.
980429 -- Although your company is very profitable, I wouldn't be much of a consultant if I didn't recommend changes. - You recommend jailing our ombudsman and declaring martial law...makes sense. - Then could I shoot employees who make personal
980429 -- phone calls? It's okay with me.
980430 -- As a consultant, I am overpaid even if I do bad work. - Whereas you're underpaid even if you do good work. It's funny if you think about it. - I might have a terrible job, but at least I don't have any job security.
980501 -- Alice, I checked with the other managers; they don't know you well enough to promote you. - So we've decided to hire someone from outside the company. - At least the other managers have heard my name now. I didn't use your real name.
980502 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director I'm having trouble finding qualified external applicants. - All I have are a headless man, a mime, and a frozen Cro-Magnon guy we found in a glacier. - Does the mime bring his own invisible cubicle? I love
980502 -- those! Only if we pay his relocation costs.
980503 -- Dilbert, this is our newest employee, Matt. - Would you mind... Crushing his spirit? Right. - This little box will be your home for sixty hours a week. - It comes with an obsolete computer and a binder about safety hazards. - Your
980503 -- challenge is to look busy until someone gives you a meaningful assignment. - How long will that take? - I'm still waiting for mine. - *Safety tip 1*: Don't sit near any obsolete computers.
980504 -- I had a strange dream last night. - Research has shown that nothing is less interesting than hearing about someone else's dream. - ...But this was no ordinary grape. It was a *seedless*! My brain is gnawing its way out!
980505 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director Alice, the experts say you need to balance work and home life. - You worked 80 hours last week. That's less than half of the hours in a week. - Give us some balance, you selfish hag. This conversation took a
980505 -- nasty turn.
980506 -- The marketing department saves the day! Check out these brochures I made. - This new product will allow us to dominate the market! - But we don't make this product. That hasn't hurt our sales so far.
980507 -- Maybe it was wrong to promise our customers a product that hasn't been designed yet. - But our motto in marketing is, "it's better to ask for forgiveness than to seek permission." - Your motto needs some design work too.
980508 -- I donated a million dollars to the United Nations today. That's nice of you. - My only condition is that they name something after me. - United Nations For the millionth time: Yes, I'm *sure* we want to keep calling it France!
980509 -- Alice, you'd get more accomplished if you were less of a perfectionist. - I've asked Wally to work with you - to teach you how to be less perfect. - When did apathy and low standards become positive traits? I call it the intrapreneurial
980509 -- spirit.
980510 -- What the...? - Alice, you know we don't allow anything on cubicle walls. - It destroys the acoustic absorption of the fabric. - OUCH!! MY EARS! DON' SHOUT!! - You're right! I've ruined the acoustic absorption. - It seemed so harmless. I'll
980510 -- remove it immediately. - - Why is it worse when they agree with me? What? Eh?
980511 -- Someday I'd like to see your office. It's a cubicle, Mom. - What's a cubicle? Imagine the most beautiful place on earth... - Okay, I've got it. Now imagine you can never go there because you work in a box.
980512 -- It's so exciting to visit my son's cubicle! - I worked hard to put you in college. Now I'll se the results of my investment! - Um...you did attend classes, right?
980513 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director When you dumped more work on Wally, did he moan? Or did he scream? - It sounded like this... Aaoo-muw aahh-ow-ow!! - The staffing levels sound about right.
980514 -- The company is giving free flu shots, Wally. - The shots will be delivered by wealthy stockholders who will hunt you down and shoot you with flu darts. - At least I won't get the flu, right? You're probably thinking of the flu *prevention*
980514 -- shots.
980515 -- No one likes being hunted down and shot with flu darts, Wally. - But remember: companies are managed for the benefit of stockholders, not employees. - *I* own stock. It's in my 401(K) account. I'm not supposed to tell you, but none of that
980515 -- is real.
980516 -- I had to make some optimistic assumptions to meet the revenue target. - In week three, we're visited by an alien named D'utox Inag who offers to share his advanced technology. - Then we use his technology to design our new product? No, we
980516 -- kill him and sell the autopsy video.
980517 -- Are you the pompous airbag of the office? - Indeed. - I've been asked to deflate you. - My source tell me that you combine arrogance with trivia and try to pass it off as intelligence. - That's because I'm surrounded by fools who don't
980517 -- even know the capital of Elbonia! - I have a signed statement from your wife... - ...that you put wet laundry in the oven last night. - That explains the chewy casserole she served me this morning.
980518 -- I'm creating a comic strip called "Pipy the Ziphead." - I'm cramming as much artwork in there as possible, so no one will notice there's only one joke. - The joke is on the reader, isn't it? I'd better cram some more art in there.
980519 -- Your comic strip seems to be nothing but a clown with a small head who says random things. That's Pippy. - I'm maintaining my artistic integrity by creating a comic that no one will enjoy. - The important thing is that *you* enjoy it. The
980519 -- first two were okay, but now I'm just bitter.
980520 -- Dilbert, this is Allen, my new sycophant. - His head nods whenever I talk. But that's not the best part... - Very impressive. Is that great or what?
980521 -- So, Allen, what's it like to be a hideous sycophant? It's okay. - What's it like to have no hope of career advancement? Not bad. - Were you born that way or is it a lifestyle choice? I'll ask Mom, but I think it was bad parenting.
980522 -- That's my plan. What does everyone think? - THAT IS THE BEST PLAN EVER MADE!! WOW! OOH-WAH! YOU DA MAN!! - That's the type of hones feedback we need. I love it when you exhale in my direction.
980523 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director My eyes are sore from using the computer. - Try typing with your fingers, the way everyone else does. - Personally, I find computers very restful on my eyes.
980524 -- I'd like you to meet our newest customer. - You won't be sorry; we're one of the top five companies in this field. - I thought you said no one else makes this kind of product. - No one else makes one with so few features. - So...your
980524 -- strategy is low price, right? - No, high margins! - YOU! - I'd better ask someone what a "margin" is.
980525 -- I will now test my theory that people like to be told what to do. - QUIT YOUR JOB AND BUILD ME A PYRAMID, YOU HOMELY DOLT!!! - I liked it until the dolt part. I've noticed that honesty doesn't mix well with anything.
980526 -- What's the crown for? - There aren't any charismatic leaders in the world lately. I'm going to fill the void. - Don't charismatic leaders usually turn out to be egomaniacal, philandering sociopaths? And they look good in hats!
980527 -- Why are there no charismatic leaders anymore? Cable TV. - Scandal is the most economical way to fill new programs. They'll go after you, too. I'll need a diversion. - I don't care if it's a great news story; I will *not* take any fertility
980527 -- drugs! They're in your coffee.
980528 -- My dog put fertility drugs in my coffee. - At first I was mad. Then the tabloids offered me a million dollars for my story. - Have you seen a doctor? My agent advises against that.
980529 -- I've been eating like crazy since Dogbert put the fertility drug in my coffee. - I'm guessing I have ten of fifteen babies in there. It's hard to keep them fed. - And your only evidence of pregnancy is weight gain? Here comes another
980529 -- hoagie, kids!
980530 -- My dog slipped me a fertility drug. How soon before I give birth? - Um... It's impossible to have babies unless a woman is involved in some way. - Ooh, right, for the diapers. I'm going to give you a prescription for painful shots.
980531 -- PHARMACY - Is this one line or two? - I'll hedge my bets by standing in the middle. - This guy is confused too. - Get behind me... Get behind me... Get behind me... Get behind me... - Oh-no! He's forming a new line behind the fast cashier!
980531 -- #!%* - He's distracted! I take the angle! I win! - Stress medications are the other line.
980601 -- I'm having a severe case of telephone shyness. - I'm afraid to pick up the phone and make business calls. - I'll duck into a restroom stall until the shyness passes.
980602 -- I've been having severe shyness attacks at work. I can help. - I'll send nude photos of you to everyone on the Internet. - Will that work? All of my previous clients are dating "M”tley Cr�e" band members.
980603 -- I'll cure your shyness by putting nude photos of you on the Internet. - AAEEII!! COUGH COUGH UNH* - I didn't know the Internet could reject a body. I didn't know it could scream.
980604 -- STUPID SOFTWARE! WON'T COMPILE; EH?? - #%!** - We call it "code rage." I'm seeing a lot of it lately.
980605 -- How much budget do you have for my project? I can't tell you. - If you knew what your budget was, you'd spend it all. - Can you at least tell me what our company strategy is? No, I don't want you to lose hope.
980606 -- Our pointy-haired boss won't tell me our company's strategy. - So I spend my days wandering from cubicle to cubicle, trying to deduce the strategy. - So far I've outruled "first to market." and "premiere" anything.
980607 -- I need coffee. - But I'm too tired to go get it. - I'm in a downward spiral! - My arms go limp. The antidote is only yards away but I am immobile. - Maybe someone will notice and bring coffee. - My co-workers found me. I'm saved! - - As
980607 -- the frenzied mob yanked off my trousers, someone spilled coffee on me. Wow, lucky.
980608 -- Catbert: evil H.R: director Bad news: the employees are reading a newspaper. - If they see the low unemployment rate, they'll know the balance of power has swung their way. - I plan to use the cat as a gargoyle on my cubicle roof. If you
980608 -- run a current through him you can zap bugs.
980609 -- This week I discovered that the demand for engineers exceeds the supply. - I responded by increasing my insolence and decreasing my productivity. - I will never hire another engineer as long as I'm alive. Equilibrium has been restored.
980610 -- Your cubicle roof is looking good. Yep. - I love being a skilled worker in a period of low unemployment. I can get anything I demand. - Hey, Poindexter, fetch me a lemonade. Poink Ouch
980611 -- Unlike you people in marketing, I have highly sought technical skills. - I'm too valuable to fire. So from no won, I'll deliver my project status on a balled-up piece of paper. - Is the cheerleader squad ready? Grrr
980612 -- I'd like to reopen the question of what vendor we'll use, even though it's too late to change anything. - I darn you to heck! You will spend an eternity with other indecisive dullards! - WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME??! Here is fine.
980613 -- Dangerous asbestos has been found in every room in our building. - The problem will be addressed using a...scientific process. - Something called attrition.
980614 -- DOGBERT'S FIRST LAW OF BUSINESS Reality is always controlled by the people who are most insane. - Example Thanks for agreeing to work on my project. - I never agreed to work on your project. - You can't change your mind now! It's too late
980614 -- to get someone else! Um...I'm not changing my mind. I clearly said I would *not* work on your project. - YOU LYING WEASEL! I'LL RUIN YOU!! - OKAY! OKAY! I'LL WORK ON YOUR PROJECT! - Wally, thanks for agreeing to donate your computer to my
980614 -- project. What?
980615 -- No one in my division is using the company drug treatment program. This is very embarrassing. - My boss will think I'm not managing the drug problem. Don't *any* of you have a drug problem? - #!*%* CHILDPROOF "MIDOL" CONTAINER!! Hmm...
980616 -- Drug treatment program The first step is to admit you have a drug problem. I don't - My pointy-haired boss forced me to be here because he thinks it makes him look proactive. - Hallucinations are common during withdrawal. Let's do an
980616 -- inkblotch test. AAAGH!!
980617 -- Drug treatment program Alice, I'd like to talk to you about your registration form. - Under "objective", you said you want to use my "turnip-shaped head as a battering ram to break out of here." - Alice, drop the duct tape. Stay tense;
980617 -- that will help.
980618 -- Out top executives are in a special strategy lockup meeting, . The meeting won't end until they agree on a new strategy, so it might be a while. - Maybe if I wedge my broom here I won't forget where I put it.
980619 -- I just heard that all our top executives got locked in a conference room and starved to death. - Why didn't they use the phone to call for help? - One wee ago... It's agreed: we dial 8.3 to get an outside line. Uh-oh. This one doesn't do
980619 -- decimals.
980620 -- An executive search firm is trying to find a new C.E.O. for us. It'll be tough. - No ethical person would board a sinking ship just to plunder its treasure. - Are you ready to take the challenge? Oh, I'll take more than that!
980621 -- What the...? - You responded to quickly to my E-Mail. - Obviously you aren't focusing on priorities. - I do E-Mail while my program is compiling. - You can't weasel out of this with you technical Mumbo Jumbo. - You win. I'll ignore your
980621 -- E-Mail from now on. - The important thing is that I win. - I wonder if *my* programs ever compile.
980622 -- Mister Dogbert has returned as our C.E.O. because no one else wants the job. - I can't tell you my plan for the assets of the company...but it rhymes with "village." - I hope it's "fillage."
980623 -- Dogbert the C.E.O. I need a personal "gopher." Are you interested? Sure! - Good. You'll wear a special uniform and have a special office to show your status. - Sheesh. I haven't made a bank shot yet.
980624 -- Dogbert the C.E.O. I've decided to manipulate our stock price for personal gain. - I'll spin off a few divisions, buy back some of our stock and announce massive budget cuts. - Um...do you even know what products we make? How would that be
980624 -- relevant?
980625 -- Dogbert the C.E.O. I make a motion that the board of directors double my pay. - All in favor, bleat like sheep. - Ba-a-a Ba-a-a Ba-a-a I think we're missing a check or a balance somewhere.
980626 -- Dogbert the C.E.O. The "United Charities" would like you to be chairman this year. - I'd be honored. Oh, and while you're up, cancel the company health plan. - One week later Under his leadership, our free clinics have handled *twice* as
980626 -- many people. Thanks United Charities
980627 -- Dogbert the C.E.O. I'm an investment banker. I can help you loot this place and escape. - You'll merge with my other client company. Your golden parachute kicks in. Then you exercise your stock options on the uptick. - You rarely see a
980627 -- merger announcement with the phrase, "so long, suckers." Ouch.
980628 -- Our next product will determine the future of our company! $ - I need a project leader who has a passion for success! - Would that leader get extra pay? - It's not about money, Wally. It's about passion for success! - All I have is a vague
980628 -- preference. How about you? - Yes, I'm feeling something...maybe it's... - No, it's just my allergy medication. - What was it like? It tingled.
980629 -- Where's that budget forecast I asked for? - I put it on your chair this morning. - I'd better look again.
980630 -- Dogbert's tech support I don't know how to use my E-Mail. - You need to upgrade your I.Q. a few points. Try listening to classical music. - My old nemesis, Mister Radio, we meet again.
980701 -- Dogbert's tech support Our software is perfect. The problem must be with you. - Go to the cat scan machine in the break room and insert your head. I'll monitor you from here. - DO YOU SEE THE PROBLEM? I blame it on the tight labor market.
980702 -- Dogbert's tech support How may I abuse you? The Internet is slow. What causes that? - That can only be caused by you looking at porn. - I'll need your name for our records. click
980703 -- I like men who have a sense of humor. - ...but not the joke-telling kind - the spontaneous kind - like when you spill something and we both laugh. - Maybe I'm trying too hard.
980704 -- I don't understand why you like the things you like. - I'm forced to conclude that you're socially defective. - Isn't it normal for people to have unique preferences? Do you have to argue wit *everything* I say?!
980705 -- My posterior is growing to fit the size of my chair. - Is that possible? - Posteriors are like goldfish. They grow to the limit of their environment. - That's ridiculous. I have the biggest chair. That would mean... - Forget that I brought
980705 -- it up. Well, back to work. - Mission report. Success. - The glue on his chair should be set by now. - I guess this is why goldfishes don't use chairs.
980706 -- Catbert: H.R. director "Consistent with our effort to eliminate privacy and dignity... - "...employees must share hotel rooms on all business trips." - After they get used to this, I'll introduce the tandem showering policy.
980707 -- Wally, as you know, employees must share hotel rooms at the conference... - So I was wondering if you'd like to...you know...be my roomie. Sure. - We'll have to agree on some rules. I can only spoon on my right.
980708 -- I hate sharing a hotel room on business trips. - I need to do my exercises before I go sleep. Do you mind? - There are so many ways this could be bad. I'm still a bit winded from yesterday.
980709 -- Sharing a hotel room I forgot to pack my exercise shorts. - I guess I can do my jumping jacks without clothes. It's just us guys. - Single occupancy isn't so hard to get.
980710 -- I don't see why our web pages need URLs. Get rid of them. - Did that make sense at all? Yes, it's brilliant. - Give me a month and I'll replace our URLs with uniform resource locators. Perfect.
980711 -- I'm pleased to report another week of stellar accomplishments! - I moved more than 800,000 bits of data to a disaster recovery back-up facility! - Did you just take credit for copying a file to a diskette? It was my resume.
980712 -- I can't believe I get paid for this. Blah Blah - This thing lasts two more hours. - Maybe I should fidget with my pen. - I'm too late. Now I'd look uncreative. Fidget. - I wonder how long I can hold my breath. Fidget. - Fidget. - WHUMP! -
980712 -- Ooh, *two* pens. What would *that* be like?
980713 -- I hired my son to manage our technology development group. - He's young, but I'm almost positive he went to college. - Where did you go to college? Actually, I hid in our attic for four years.
980714 -- My Dad taught me everything I know. - He used to say "don't drink the pickle juice until the pickles are gone." - Was this a big problem at your house? Have you ever been hit in the eye with a pickle?
980715 -- Son-of-a-boss You have to make our product so simple that even my Mom could use it. - It's already so simple a hamster could use it. How much dumber is your Mom? - Maybe we should leave my Mom out of this. *My* Mom is a physicist.
980716 -- Son-of-a-boss My complete lack of knowledge has not gone unnoticed. - I've been promoted to vice president of marketing! - If you feel the need to buy me a gift, I'd love a piano.
980717 -- Is your project plan done? I can't do a plan until you tell me the strategy. - My strategy is to make you do the plan. - Sometimes the leadership just radiates from my body.
980718 -- My name is Myron, not Moron! - Next time that you run spell check, don't automatically take its suggestions. - What's "spell check"?
980719 -- Here's the goal that will motivate you for the next year. - "Build a global satellite network. Budget: $12,000." - Motivation feels much different from what I imagined. - I was expecting a light, energetic feeling. - But it's more like
980719 -- being pinned under a burning couch. - Whoo! I'm getting dizzy. - I'd better lie down until the motivation wears off. - He's going to be trouble during the next round of budget cuts.
980720 -- Excuse me. I couldn't avoid hearing your conversation outside my cubicle. - I think I speak for a lot of cubicle dwellers when I say... - SHUT UP!!
980721 -- You haven't interfered with my project in weeks. Something must be wrong. - I believe in empowering my employees and staying out of the way. - Am I going to find my real boss's body in a dumpster? There's extra money in the budget. Would
980721 -- you like a bonus?
980722 -- I think the earthlings are getting suspicious. - Keep acting competent and caring. Our prisoner says that's how leaders act on their world. - Carol, let me do the org chart on my PC. You have too much work already. AAAGH!
980723 -- No one suspects that the real boss is in a prison tube on my spaceship. - Is it okay if I wear shorts? Sure. I only care about the quality of your work. - If our boss were replaced by an alien, would that be a bad thing? It depends on the
980723 -- alien.
980724 -- Apparently my boss has been replaced by a highly intelligent alien. - That means my real boss is being held captive in some sort of hideous alien prison. - What do you to plan to do about it? It was just an observation.
980725 -- Tell us your management secrets, earthling. - You have too many full-time aliens flying this UFO. Downsize half of them, then roll out the ISO9001 process. - ...But despite all of my help, they still plowed into a snow-covered alp.
980726 -- I need some management fire power. - The VP of marketing says we can't use the vendor we selected... - Let me write this down. - Do you want some paper? No, I'll use this tissue...oops. - Anyway, the other vendor can't deliver. Oops. - I
980726 -- have some note paper. No, this is fine. Oops. - All you have is a blotch on a scrap. - It's more of a reminder than a detailed note. - Hmm...it's not so useful when I put it with the others.
980727 -- My boss told me to buy a bunch of equipment we don't need. - That way our budget won't get cut next year. I'm so proud of you, son. - How do you say this with a straight face? I try to imagine you as a Navy seal.
980728 -- ...And we'll buy a dozen of these. We're trying to spend our budget so it doesn't get cut next year. - This is great! You guys are so dumb that I don't even have to use my fake personality to make the sale! - ...and nine of these blue
980728 -- things. There's a full moon on the horizon!
980729 -- I haven't talked yet, but all the good points have been taken. Blah blah Blah blah - We must make sure our momentum aligns with our value-added distribution! - That was just babble, right? All the good points were taken.
980730 -- I have no useful skills or knowledge. I compensate by "raising issues." - Our salespeople haven't been trained for the new product!! - Someone should have a meeting about that. Wow, I can actually hear oxygen being wasted.
980731 -- I'm a worthless employee who cuts out newspaper articles and routed them around. - I used to make sure the articles were relevant, but that was more work than it was worth. - I saw this already. It's from your paper. You always leave it in the
980731 -- third stall.
980801 -- Do you mind I jump on the garbage? - I don't even know why, but when I see a fresh pile of garbage, I just want to jump up and down on it. - The best things in life are silly. YEE-HA!!
980802 -- Performance review Let's see how many of your objectives you met. What objectives? - Didn't you know you had objectives? - I don't see how I would have any time to work on objectives. - My schedule was packed. - Doing what? - Every morning you
980802 -- leave things on my chair with notes that say "urgent: handle this." - No I don't - Wally, can I see a sample of your handwriting? Uh-oh.
980803 -- Let's see what's on my schedule today. - "Give vigorous wedgie to myself." - You're right - he *will* do whatever is on his schedule. Ow! Vigorously?
980804 -- Meeting with a vendor - I'm Larry. - And these people are my vast array of unnecessary tag-alongs. - What does your product do? We didn't bring the guy who knows that.
980805 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director I'm grossly underpaid for the type of work I do now. - Write a description of your current duties. I'll be happy to do a compensation review. - Based on a true story Sadly, it appears you're not qualified for your
980805 -- own job. But one of your subordinates is.
980806 -- We won the bid to create a digital archive of the world's greatest art. - This will give us a chance to fix any errors made by the artists. Errors? - For example, there was a guy who used too much blue for a whole period.
980807 -- We've digitized and indexed the world's greatest art.  This is "The Last Supper." Nice, but... - The composition is cluttered. Delete a few of those guys. Do you have any clip art of bagels? - Do they look happy? Compared to me, yes.
980808 -- I'm creating a digital archive of the world's greatest art. But my boss insists on "fixing" the artist's mistakes. Hee hee - This is such a funny story for the newsletter. It's a funny story, but change "fixing" to "dramatically
980808 -- improving."
980809 -- We're discontinuing technical support of all our products. - A recorded message will explain it to the caller this way... - "In order to serve customers better, we've discontinued technical support." - How does that serve customers better?
980809 -- - We'll redirect those resources to other areas. What other areas? - Profits. - That makes your bonus larger. Any other questions? - Apparently I'm engulfed in evil. That's the spirit!
980810 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director Are you able to work while being constantly interrupted? - No. I would be totally inefficient, just like anyone else. - We were done with the section you had to answer honestly. Oj. In that case, interruptions
980810 -- make me stronger.
980811 -- Initiate launch sequence. - We have liftoff. - I keep waiting for this to seem like a bad ides.
980812 -- We're the first cubicle to land on the moon. - The temperature and oxygen levels are fine. Apparently the space program is a hoax. NASA must be hiding something here. - Hi. We're the women who love engineers.
980813 -- NASA put all the women who love engineers on the moon. They say it's an important experiment. - Every weekend they send a shuttle full of male NASA engineers to check on our status. - Uh-oh. We have company.
980814 -- Somewhere on the moon So, you discovered where NASA hides the women who love male engineers. - How about a little drinking contest, tough guy? The loser can never return. - We probably shouldn't have insisted on entering the contest. I'll
980814 -- miss them.
980815 -- I need this vital information by one o'clock. - If I do a shoddy job, I can finish this and still make it to the lunch! - Today I traded my work ethic for a banana. I ate that banana years ago.
980816 -- The evil director of human resources spots his prey. - Wally, you haven't filled out a vacation request form yet. - If we don't get it by tomorrow, you lose your your vacation. - Where do I get a form? We're all out. - DID THEY EVER EXIST?
980816 -- - Wally, does anything really exist, or is it all just shadows on a cubicle wall? - I leave you with that thought. - Who says philosophy is useless? Bonk bonk
980817 -- This is today's motivational message for all employees. - Today is the first day of the rest of the week. - Or is it?
980818 -- Wally, did you review my draft of the user manual yet? - The characters in the examples gave me no reason to care about them. It left me empty. - Sadly, User "B" could never love user "A" because he was a bald engineer.
980819 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director You've been a good contract employee.  We'd like to make you a regular employee. - You mean you want to pay me less? - We want you to be motivated by something other than money. Like... Stupidity?
980820 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director Yes, regular employees are paid less than contract employees such as yourself. - But if you join the company, you'll get many intangible benefits. - Maybe your stockholders would like some intangible benefits.
980820 -- They can have mine.
980821 -- The employees aren't falling for the old "intangible benefits" story anymore. - Uh-oh. We don't earn enough money to give tangible benefits to employees *and* stockholders. - Stockholder meeting Stock ...now let's discuss your intangible
980821 -- benefits... %#!*#
980822 -- Here's my time sheet, in exquisite detail. - Crinkle Crinkle Wad - It's easier to input the numbers if I make them as I go.
980823 -- Happy combined birthdays. - Today we honor the employees who had birthdays within the past year. - That's Dilbert...Alice...Asok...Did I miss anyone? - Um...You missed me. - You too? That's spooky. - I'd cut the cake but it's a plastic
980823 -- prop. - Let's sing. Does anyone know the words to "Happy Birthday"? - I'll bet those weren't the real words.
980824 -- I like to con people. And I like to insult people. - If you combine con and insult, you get "Consult." - I'm here to consult you. It sounds expensive and demeaning. ...okay.
980825 -- Dogbert consults My recommendations are based on an analysis of accountability. Ooh. - As a consultant, I'm not accountable to your stockholders. So I can recommend anything that amuses me. - I recommend that you convert all of your U.S.
980825 -- Dollars to Elbonian currency...whatever that is. The Eyecrud.
980626 -- Your performance was excellent, but there's no bonus this year - Why not? - The company lost a fortune in the Elbonian currency collapse. - But in a way, it's your own fault for working here. - Thanks. - That takes the sting out.
980827 -- At this phase, the project will be reviewed by a worthless manager. - Hee-hee! I wonder if he knows what people say about him. - Why are you marking it "done"? Did you decide to skip that phase?
980828 -- Our department mascot will be the industrious beaver. - That's a picture of a woodchuck. - He looks perky. That's close enough. He could be a beaver who lives in a hole.
980829 -- Don't think of yourself as a powerless peon in a box. - You're an agent of change in a dynamic, natural work group! - Can I put that on my business cards? I'd rather not leave a paper trail.
980830 -- I need to document your procedures. It's an ISO 9000 requirement. - So...the engineers submit their time cards and then you do what? - I put them in a pile until I'm sure they're all here. - Then I move them to the magic cylinder. The trash
980830 -- can? - No, it's a magic cylinder. I put my work in there and by morning it's gone. - I've been giving you my time cards for five years. - No one has complained yet. - After today, I am *not* rounding to the nearest fifteen minutes.
980831 -- It's nice, but the weasel down the street is selling it for less. - You should never settle for the lesser of two weasels. - Now that you mention it, it *did* seem too convenient.
980901 -- This project needs your complete attention. - Wally's right. Forget the other projects and focus on that one. - Did I miss anything at the meeting? We got you a little helper for your project.
980902 -- We can only succeed if each of you works nights and and weekends for a year. - I quit. Me too. I'll clear out my desk. - Or was that supposed to inspire us? Like I'd know.
980903 -- I can't process your voucher because these receipts look fake to me. - They aren't fake. Then why aren't they notarized? - BECAUSE THEY'RE JUST RECEIPTS! And now you'll tell me there's no DNA evidence either.
980904 -- How long will it take to process my voucher? - I assign a priority to everyone. I'm happy to say you're a "one." - One chance in a million.
980905 -- Alice, thank you for your twelve-page response to my E-Mail last week. - But I was only sending it to you as an "FYI." Those decisions are already made. - If I read your reaction right, you're wondering why I didn't say FYI on my E-Mail.
980906 -- Why did the I.S. department deny my request for a PC upgrade? - BECAUSE WE ARE EVIL INCARNATE!! BUWAHAHAHA!! - I was looking for something more specific. - You didn't provide a dollar estimate of the benefits. - That's ridiculous. I can't put a
980906 -- value on every tool I need to do my job. - If you can't quantify it, then it must not be necessary. - Then why does the company give me a chair? I can't quantify that either? - Here's one more reason why it stinks to be me.
980907 -- Ring - Hello, I'm a rat. This is a consulting company. We'll pay you $200,000 per year to work for us. - I'm more interested in investment banking. *#!* Job market.
980908 -- Come work for our consulting firm and you will get this bushel of money. - All we want in return is twenty hours of work each day... - ...with clients who hate you for a variety of good reasons. At least there's no travel, right?
980909 -- Ratbert the consultant As our newest partner, you'll get the least desirable assignments. - We'll load you in the consultant cannon, shoot you to the client's site and monitor your progress. - The window is more to the left. The client is more
980909 -- to the right.
980910 -- Ratbert the consultant I'm making $200,000 per year! - - Apparently that's all I know.
980911 -- Thanks to my consulting job, I'm wealthier than you. - And I'm cuter, obviously. The only thing left is personality. - Shouldn't you be spreading disease somewhere? Three for three! Yes!!
980912 -- I built a ring with a tiny computer i it. - It only displays one character at a time. Then what good is it? - No time for chit-chat. I'm surfin' the net! Don't make me come over there.
980913 -- It's time for my annual inspirational talk! - We must work twice as hard, or the competition will crush us! - I want you to feel afraid twenty-four hours a day! - Question: Wouldn't that lower the quality of out lives? Seems like it might. -
980913 -- I'm too afraid to work here now. I wonder if our competitors are hiring. - Question: Should we continue to be afraid of our own management's incompetence? - Let's compromise. I'll cut the meeting short if you'll all agree to feel worse in some
980913 -- way. Now I remember why I only inspire them once a year.
980914 -- I got caught in traffic. - Let me recap what you missed. - We spent the past hour deciding not to change the name of our department. - You just inadvertently trained me to be late to all meetings. Oops.
980915 -- I've been building up my forearm so I'll have a bone-crushing handshake. - Why? Hey, what's this - some sort of hen party? - That was very witty, Wally. Congratulations! Oh.
980916 -- The safety award goes to Ted for his five years of injury-free work. - Thanks for this award. Without awards, there would be no incentive to avoid injuries. -
980917 -- If I work too hard, I get stressed out. But if I don't work hard, I get bored. - I recommend submerging your head in icy water twice a day. - Wouldn't that hurt? Is there no end to your list of complaints?
980918 -- I'm finding it a burden to remember your name. - From now on, I'll refer to you as either "Buddy" or "Big Guy." - How about if I get a name tag? Then you just could read it. Do I look like I have that kind of time?
980919 -- I don't have any meetings today. - I'll change all my software settings until something doesn't work. - Keep up the good work. Keep up the good managing.
980920 -- I'm going to do some personal business during my lunch hour. - Normally I would work through lunch. - But this will take a full hour. - It would only take two minutes if I used the Internet. - But the Internet is for business use only! -
980920 -- Our company has a limited number of zeroes and ones. - When they're gone, they're gone! Furthermore... - You mocked him for a full hour. Now it's time to eat.
980921 -- You're under arrest for stealing empty cardboard boxes! - The company needs those boxes to meet its recycling goals. But reuse is better than recycling. - There's got to be a way out of this cell.
980922 -- Catbert: H.R. director You can improve an employee's performance by making him feel bad about himself. - So, although that wouldn't work on me, it works fine on other people? Exactly. - I'll read your faults one at a time. Tell me when
980922 -- your performance improves.
980923 -- My source tells me that you're not meeting your objectives. - That's not true. Who are these sources? Name one objective I haven't met. - I don't even know what your objectives are. Must...control...fists.
980924 -- Who said I wasn't meeting my objectives? I can't remember. - Therefore, I have no reason to doubt the accuracy of the information. - Check the facts! That sounds like something a guilty person would say.
980925 -- I've decided to be one of those guys who says whatever is on his mind. - - Still nothing? Boy, this is a real eye-opener.
980926 -- Do you mind if I fill the gaps in our conversation with random observations? No. - So, you got a little pillow there, eh? Eh? - When I say, "Eh?", that's your cue to answer.
980927 -- Based on a true story I'm drowning in work! - You have to do something. - I could build a partition right here. - How will a partition help? - Carol, you shouldn't be afraid of new things. - If it doesn't work, we'll try something else! - - Are
980928 -- you over there? It works!
980928 -- Asok, you're the winner of the prestigious "broken binder award." - It's a once-in-a-lifetime award that is voted on by our peers. - How long have you been dumping your trash here? Since my can got full.
980929 -- We're having an all-employee talent show for charity. Tickets are three dollars! - We'll give you three dollars apiece to forget the whole thing. It works out the same. - Deal. Ironically, math is my only talent.
980930 -- This is urgent. I need it by tomorrow. - You've known about this for weeks. Now I'll have to work all night! - Could you at least say something that sounds grateful? I'm glad I'm me!
981001 -- I am Mordac, the preventer of information services! I summon the Y2K demon! - roar roar You're not as big as I imagined. I wonder why everyone is so afraid. - Cute!
981002 --
981003 -- You've been a great temporary employee. Would you like to be a permanent one? Yes! - HA HA HA!!! YOU SIMPLE FOOL!!! - What was that? That was your employee orientation program.
981004 -- This bell will improve your morale. - You ring the bell whenever you achieve a goal. - THEN YELL YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENT TO THE REST OF THE OFFICE - I know it sounds corny, but the bell has worked at other companies. - Does your information
981004 -- come from the *bosses* of other companies? - No. It comes from a magazine who interviewed those bosses. - I'll go first. CLANG CLANG - I RESISTED KILLING MY BOSS WITH A STUPID BELL!!
981005 -- From now on, anyone who misses a staff meeting must buy donuts for the next meeting. - - Did I just sell them their freedom for donuts?
981006 -- Here's another shovel full of assignments. - How am I supposed to get all of that done? Only do the most important ones. - "Identify all the acronyms that have never been used." That's an important one.
981007 -- I have time to do *one* of these two assignments. - One is essential to the business. The other one is not. Which *one* do you want me to do? Both! - I know you *want* both. But if you can only *get* one... Combine them and just do the
981007 -- one.
981008 -- It's not my policy to fire morons, Donald. Firing is expensive. - It's my policy to make your job so unpleasant that you quit. - So, your project involves being bitten by coyotes? Only two more years and I'm vested.
981009 -- Put this strip on your nose to get more oxygen to your brain. - I'm hoping it will make you a more interesting conversationalist. - How 'bout that? I'm no longer optimistic.
981010 -- I can no longer hold this inside. - YOU CALL THAT BREATHING??! GET THE OTHER NOSTRIL INVOLVED!  - I wonder if he'll ever realize that I just enjoy yelling.
981011 -- It's not enough to "serve" our customers... - We must *delight* them! - You mean we have to stop price-gouging? - No, I think we can still do that. - Ooh ooh! I know! - We could stop selling products with known defects. - I'M TALKING ABOUT
981011 -- CUSTOMERS, NOT PRODUCTS!! - Do you feel like delighting customers? I barely have the empathy to pity them.
981012 -- I'm sending you to teach a class in Cobol. I don't know Cobol. - Maybe you can learn it in the plane. - Maybe I'll take some Scuba lessons up there too. I'm making my getaway.
981013 -- Why are you sending *me* to teach Cobol th the Elbonians? Wally is the one who knows Cobol, not me. - Wally said he's busy that day. Can't you reschedule the class? - Okay... Does tomorrow work for you? YOU'RE SOLVING THE WRONG PROBLEM!
981014 -- Somewhere in Elbonia I've been sent to teach you Cobol. - We don't have any computers. That's okay. I don't know Cobol. - ...and if you had a keyboard, you would do this. Oops...how do I delete?
981015 -- Dilbert teaches Cobol in Elbonia ...and that's how you fix your "Year 2000" problem. - This concludes my four-day class. Are there any questions? What's a year? - And is Cobol a kind of cabbage or what? Class dismissed.
981016 -- Catbert the H.R. director Asok, it's time to groom you for management. - I don't see too many bugs in your fur. Can you lick the top of your own head? No, I can't. Then you can't be a manager.
981017 -- We'll take away the cubicle walls and force employees to work in an "open plan" office. - Surveillance cameras will record their every move. We'll monitor phone calls and Web use. We'll even test their blood! - Can we flog them? Whoa,
981017 -- Cowboy! Wait for phase two.
981018 -- It's time to delegate. - Dilbert, I want you to give me a new cash flow estimate for your project. Okay, fine. - When will I get it? When do you need it? - As soon as possible! Okay! - And when do you think that will be? - I usually wait a
981018 -- few days to see if you change your mind. - Then I'll give you last year's cash flow as a test to see if you read it. - The more experience they get, the worse they are.
981019 -- Catbert: H.R. director New policy: Employees are not allowed to eat at their desks. - Because why? I need a semi-plausible reason. - Because I hate you.
981020 -- Alice, meet the newest member of our team. - I hired him myself. That means I can never fire him; it would look like I made a bad decision. - Microsoft hired his head. It's in a jar in Redmond. And we got the part that goes to meetings.
981021 -- If we're going to work together, I should know your name. - Let's see if you have a wallet with some identification. - Geez, Alice, could you let the new guy settle in first?
981022 -- According to his driver's license, the new guy's name is Edward Mann. - Is his middle name Lester? How did you know that? - What we have here is an Ed Less Mann.
981023 -- The new guy isn't working out. Why not? - Maybe because he has no head. So, you think I made a mistake hiring him? - Um...no. But the new guy thinks so. Then he's fired for insubordination!
981024 -- Dogbert the consultant You must brainwash your customers to prefer your brand for no reason. - The long-term goal is to train your customers to mail you money every time they see your advertisements. - Would we send them our product?
981024 -- Hello-o-o, brain stem.
981025 -- In order to improve communications... Please don't. - Every morning I'll give you two pennies. - Every afternoon, you return them and "give me your two cents worth." - Get it? It's cute. - So, I get to keep the money if I avoid seeing you?
981025 -- - - How much will you pay me to ignore your voice mail too? - I'll pretend you're dead for a nickel. I hate them all.
981026 -- Thank you all for coming to the meeting that has no real purpose. - Maybe we could raise issues and then form action plans. - I have an urge to stomp you to death. That's not very professional of you.
981027 -- That's the plan. Now I will pretend to listen to your irrational concerns. - Go! - This is another situation where ambiguity would be better.
981028 -- Dogbert the consultant Our target market is the gullible moron segment. - Our commercials will feature an actor who seems sincere. I care about the rain forest...and you - I like kittens...and you. Wow...we made it into his top two.
981029 -- Dogbert the consultant Our ad campaign featuring phony sincerity is working. - In phase two, we'll introduce our newest product, the invisible robot. - We don't know how to make an invisible robot. Do you know how to make an empty box?
981030 -- Dogbert the consultant Some customers might complain that the invisible robot they bought from us... - ...is nothing but an empty box. I will train our support staff to handle those calls. - Customer's house According to our sensors, he's
981030 -- in your house...and he's watching you.
981031 -- Cubicle walls will be removed "in order to improve communication." - Why do the worst ideas always have the noblest sounding reasons? - Employees will be leashed and branded "in order to improve morale."
981101 -- I have a solution to our morale problem. - We need a nickname for our group. - Can it be something scatological? - Um...no. - How about something that involves monkeys? - I don't think so. - Ooh... But could it be something that's both
981101 -- scatological *and* involves monkeys? - It's hard to be optimistic while he's so grumpy.
981102 -- I must warn you. I'm one of those women who like to curse at work. - %#**!!* - That was a warmup. MY EARS FELL OFF!!
981103 -- If you anger me, I will curse at you until your eyebrows burn off. - I will demonstrate my power by burning Wally's left eyebrow. - %#**!!* OW! OW! THAT'S NOT AN EYEBROW!
981104 -- Get out of my way, weaklings! - This closed door can't stop me!  I'll curse it off its %#**!!* hinges! - You could have knocked. I'm a barger, not a knocker.
981105 -- Ann, I made a bet with Ted that you could ignite this match by swearing at it. - HOW DARE YOU BET AGAINST ME, TED, YOU #%*!!*! - Dang! How about double or nothing? I want my dollar.
981106 -- Dilbert, I'd like you to meet the humorless blob I hired. - Blob is our new creative director. His job is to foster innovation. - I have some ideas. Whoa, loose cannon.
981107 -- The presentation This cartoon says it all! Hee hee! - Uh-oh. I just realized you're all humorless blobs. - Join us, Dilbert. Be a blob. Yes...humor is uncalled for.
981108 -- Wally, you haven't done any actual work for years, yet we continue to pay you. - Have I said thanks? - I'd fire you, but your performance reviews are all "excellents." - So, my plan is to make your job a living hell until you quit. -
981108 -- You'll never win! My standards are lower than you can imagine! - I'll start by moving you to a smaller cubicle. - IS THAT THE BEST YOU GOT? HA HA HA!!! - Mom, guess who got an office wit a door!
981109 -- Catbert: H.R. director I work hard, but all I get is tiny raises. - If we gave you everything you wanted, then you would have nothing to motivate you. - I don't want to be motivated. That's why I enjoy doing it!
981110 -- I'll need a project plan to justify the resources we need to change our software. - I can make those software changes in ten seconds. Done. - Good work. Now all we need is that plan.
981111 -- I don't understand your technical recommendation, Alice. - I will rely on my keen insights about you as an engineer. - That too would require knowledge on your part. Shush!
981112 -- I AM YOUR KING! BOW BEFORE ME, PEASANT! - This was a test of the emergency monarch system. - If this were a real monarchy, you would already be wretched.
981113 -- You need to sign the non-employee certification form before I process your raise. - But this would be a lie. I'm not a non-employee. I'm only the messenger. - Where did it come from? The file cabinet.
981114 -- Why should I fill out this form? It would take an hour and it doesn't even apply to me. - I don't make the rules. I just apply them with a helpless and defeated attitude. - You're doing an excellent job. Seven more hours until quitting time.
981115 -- From now on, the organization chart will not be distributed. - And the internal phone lists will be shredded. crumple - This will prevent headhunters from easily picking us clean. - Why would headhunters call *us*? - They want to steal you away
981115 -- and double your pay at another company. - What makes you think we won't leave on our own anyway? - Because working here drains all of your initiative. - Let's prove him wrong! Yeah! I'm *not* going to shred my phone list!
981116 -- You expect me to sign this? The legalese is totally incomprehensible. You will. - Do you expect me to give up legal rights just because it's too hard to figure out what any of it means? Yes. - And initial the "involuntary biological testing"
981116 -- box. Okay, okay!
981117 -- Our new line of business is testing experimental medical procedures on employees. - Today's test is called the unicorn antidepressant therapy. - According to the instructions, in a few minutes, I'll see something that will make me laugh.
981118 -- Lately, I've been growing a unicorn horn. - In some cultures, this would be a sign of great virility. - It's time to admit that I don't know what women want.
981119 -- Don't complain to me. You signed the form giving us permission to alter your DNA. - No one reads legal documents before signing them. It makes you look stupid. - You have a point. That is *so* not funny.
981120 -- At least I can count on my Mom to love me, despite my horn. - Yes, of course, albeit not as much as before. - How much less? Don't worry. My love of unicorns practically covers the gap.
981121 -- Looks like someone has a bad case of unicornitis. - I've got a pre-horn sample of your DNA in the truck. I could fix you up with my cell normalizer. - Why do you have my DNA in your truck? It's for exactly this sort of situation.
981122 -- Our goal in this year is zero disabling injuries. - Last year, our goal was twenty-six disabling injuries. - In retrospect, that was a mistake. - We had to injure nine employees to meet the goal. - If you have an injury, fill out these forms
981122 -- immediately. - These are resignation forms. - If you cover the word "resignation" with your thumb, it's an injury report. - This place makes me sick. We'll miss you.
981123 -- I'd love my job if not for my slow-witted co-workers. - - Am not. You're drinking my soda again!
981124 -- I'm feeling much healthier since I strapped all of these magnets to my body. - That's fascinating you show them to Wally. It would have a big impact on him. Okay. - YOU ERASED MY #%!!* HARD DRIVE!!
981125 -- I'm going to teach morons how to get high-level jobs. - Why? - I'm addicted to wagging. Carry on. - Now turn your ear clockwise to get your tongue back in.
981126 -- Job counseling We'll need to disguise the fact that you're a moron. - Ironically, the best way is to become an expert in something called "knowledge management." - We must develop knowledge optimization initiatives to leverage our key
981126 -- learnings. Smart.
981127 -- Then we need to PV the DCF and get the ROI to the EOC ASAP. - Are you our new CFO or a babbling idiot who just happened to wander by? - Which one pays more? The mystery deepens.
981128 -- Chief financial officer I need one-sentence descriptions of each of your projects. - You're planning to make critical budget decisions based on *that*? Yes. - Wow. Five pages without using a period. Thank god for semi-colons.
981129 -- Welcome to the mandatory Windows NT(TM) class. - Personally, I've only been using a computer for... How long? Anyone? - But a good trainer can teach any subject. - Okay, everyone stand up and stretch! - Or sit there and glare at me. - That's
981129 -- good too. - I forgot to reserve the room with the computers, so I'll use this box. - ...and let's say this eraser is the mouse. - I left when he told us to use our teeth as a keyboard. Ooh-yah.
981130 -- Alice, you're the first recipient of the motivational "Stone of Quality." - It cost a thousand dollars to have it engraved. It's my way of saying "thanks." - There's no weapon, but I found this cool motivational rock.
981201 -- The accident left him with no brain function whatsoever. - But that hasn't stopped him from talking. I'll drive him back to work. - If I double the length of our staff meetings, we'll accomplish twice as much!
981202 -- Microsoft Headquarters We misspelled a word in our spell-checking software. You know what to do. - Um...use our market power to make the new word an industry standard? And...? - Kill myself as an example to others? In our booth at "Comdex."
981203 -- What the...? I've been sabotaged! - No, I am not part of a global conspiracy to plant a misspelled word in your "spell checker." - GASP! THEY GOT TO WEBSTER TOO!!!
981204 -- If you want to get promoted, you need lots of "face time" with your V.P. - I recommend sending photos of yourself every week. - More photos...he must be a relative. I'll start the promotion paperwork.
981205 -- This report shows how much your raise would be if raises hadn't been canceled. - Wow! My imaginary life is doing great! - Now back to pretending to work.
981206 -- Wally, may I tap in to your vast wisdom? - Okay, but make sure you pull out before your head explodes. - I've noticed that many employees are evil, sadistic obstructionists. - Do all the nuts work *here* by some strange coincidence? - Or are
981206 -- most employees evil? Don't focus on the evil, Asok. - Focus on the few employees who seem good. - *They're* the ones who will stab you when you're sleeping! Trust no one but the lazy! - Ow! Ow! Ow! I warned you to pull out!
981207 -- From now on, Asok, you'll report to Alice instead of me. - You can never directly speak to me again. Everything must go through Alice. - Tell him I understand. Submit your request by E-mail.
981208 -- Alice, you never responded to my E-mail. - Maybe I could ask my question now. In person? Send me a voice mail. - Will you respond to voice mail? Sometimes the phone company loses them.
981209 -- No one returns my phone calls... No one reads the E-mail I send. - I find myself hanging around with other pathetic, defeated losers. - No offense. None taken.
981210 -- I created a complex financial model for our company. Let's see. - It's dangerous if you don't understand it. That's what they told Lindbergh... - But that didn't stop him from inventing the lightbulb.
981211 -- I did some financial modeling on my own. - But you don't know any of the assumptions that went into the original spreadsheet. - That didn't stop me from developing a strategy. Our pay is based on the tax rate now.
981212 -- Nothing is more dangerous than a boss with a spreadsheet. - If I increase the page number, our sales go up. I'm onto something. - On page 843 the sales would be higher, but I was exhausted.
981213 -- So... Justin, tell me why you want to work here. - I want to find a cure for Asthma! - We don't do medical research here. Oh - Then I want to build the biggest hydroelectric dam in the world! - We don't do that either. What do you do? - We sit
981213 -- in fabric-covered boxes. - Shrivel Crinkle Ack! - That was the sound of your idealism dying. Show me to my box.
981214 -- I discovered I'm much cuter when I put my ears up. - It seems impossible that I could be any cuter than I was. Maybe you aren't. - I could kill you and no jury would believe I did it. Okay, *that* was cute.
981215 -- I will now use my power of cute ears to abuse the banking industry. - I'd like to make a large withdrawal from other peoples' accounts. - It was funny when I made her count it twice.
981216 -- I wonder if my ear-related cuteness will let me get away with crimes. - You passed an ambulance...on the right. - And your license is a blank piece of cardboard. I have to give you a verbal warning. I'll cry if you do.
981217 -- Hey, Alice, I brought my radio to work. You can hear it from your cubicle too. - Is there anything in particular that you want to hear? Yes, there is. - BAM BAM BAM HEY!
981218 -- I'm strongly opposed to your plan. You haven't read it. - Oh, right, but now I'm emotionally invested in my opinion. - THIS PLAN WILL NEVER WORK!! That's the meeting agenda.
981219 -- WE HATE YOUR PLAN!!! - Good, because the *real* plan is the opposite of what I just showed you. Real plan - Who wants a nice worm?
981220 -- We have a problem. - I ordered direction signs for our conference tomorrow. - But they all point to the right. I need left arrows. - Is it too late to change the site of the conference to match the arrows? - Well, that would put us in the
981220 -- middle of the lake. - I suppose we could use helicopters to build a deep-water platform hotel...by tomorrow. - Okay, but get two bids...What? - Spooky.
981221 -- I'm chatting with a supermodel who has trouble finding dates. - She says men are intimidated by her beauty and her computer skills. - Dang! The system administrator is making a move on her. TYPE FASTER!
981222 -- I set up a date with the supermodel I met on the Internet. - Supermodels don't look good in person. That's silly. - I don't know how to use a vase. Do you mind if I throw those in the trash?
981223 -- Dating a supermodel I hear the camera adds...um...eighty pounds? - Yes. And if you use black and white film, the camera adds makeup too. - Does the camera add hair? Why would it need to?
981224 -- I'll have the jumbo spaghetti meal with a loaf of garlic bread. - I'll absorb moisture from the air and sniff the mints on the way out. - Is it fun to be a supermodel? It was until now.
981225 -- I realize we're from different worlds, Bonita. - You're a famous supermodel and I'm just a sexy engineer... - But when I gaze into your...um...eye sockets... Good night.
981226 -- We must maintain a sense of urgency. Speed is the key, we must be faster than the competition. - Does that mean you'll sign the stuff that's been on your desk for a month? - Logical questions don't mix with motivational messages.
981227 -- Alice, we have a new corporate policy. - And I quote... - "initiate the description of the criteria for requirements... - "...by developing a framework for the application architecture... - "...consistent with the planning corridor specified in
981227 -- our strategic initiative." so tired - zzzz Did you get all that - Wally, come here for a minute. - Read this and tell mes if she's doing any of it right now. zzzzz
981228 -- Every work group has one sadistic nut who makes the job unbearable for everyone else. - That's why I hired Dennis. - He already seems indispensable. YOU'LL ALL DIE IN YOUR OWN VOMIT!
981229 -- The sadistic nut Are there any questions? - WHY DOES YOUR BODY LOTION SMELL LIKE THE ROTTING FLESH OF A THOUSAND DEAD CAMELS? - I assume he has valuable skills. No, you're thinking of a prima donna.
981230 -- The sadistic nut HEY, IT'S A LITTLE INTERN! Please spare me, Mister Nut. - I'M NOT CRUEL, I'M HONEST! No-o-o-o - Let me tell you why you'll never be married. No-o-o! You have to admit, it's fun to watch.
981231 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director Wally, I'm sending you home. Shorts are not acceptable dress. - These are not shorts! - Tomorrow I'll accuse him of being a skinhead. purr purr
990101 -- For the tenth year in a row, the employee satisfaction survey says morale is low. - Manager's bonuses are linked to these results. You can be sure we'll make big changes... - ...to the survey.
990102 -- The company will no longer pay for newspaper subscriptions. - I pay for this myself. This news is highly relevant to my job. - Is there anything I can do to make it less enjoyable? Just keep jabbering.
990103 -- Catbert the director of human resources So, you want a job here, Tubby? It's "Toby." - Did you just correct me? Um... - I ALONE WILL DETERMINE YOUR NAME!! - Now, what is your name? Tubby. - Tubby, is it true that you're so dumb that you... -
990103 --- ...sent your resume to the human resources department? - Do you think that's what this department does? Let me show you what I do. - I think I just became an entrepreneur.
990104 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director Your co-workers say that you're a sadistic nut. - GIMME FIVE, YOU BIG NUT! AND KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK! - Hey, I'm having a party on Saturday. Can you make it? Sure! I'll bring my spinach dip.
990105 -- Don't use the shredder today. - I rigged it to kill our new sadistic nut co-worker. Woa! Whoa! - Doesn't that void the warranty? I'll switch shredders with marketing tomorrow.
990106 -- From now on, we will celebrate our service reps who give exceptional customer service. - Question: Why would we celebrate employees who do extra work without getting extra pay? - It will make them happy. Can we celebrate the smart employees
990106 -- someday?
990107 -- We must be like eagles, not ducks. - For the eggs? - I didn't do the pre-reading.
990108 -- Alice, I need you to attend a meeting with me to handle the technical questions. - If they ask me a question, I'll move my lips while you do ventriloquism. - ...and that's why I suggest putting your IP router in a suppository configuration.
990109 -- Alice, your performance exceeded all expectations this year. - But I'm not giving you the top rating because I want you to have something to shoot for. - It's always good to have something to shoot for. Stay here while I get my harpoon.
990110 -- I'm writing a comprehensive "how to" book. - In chapter one, I teach people how to pick winning lottery numbers. - Chapter two: How to find free real estate in very nice-neighborhoods. - Chapter three: How to lose weight by eating huge tubs of
990110 -- ice cream. - Chapter four: How to build strong ABS by joining a gym and never going. - Finally, how to see angels by giving yourself a near death experience. - That last one is just to get rid of all these witnesses. - ON the plus side, I don't
990110 -- feel so bad about not recycling.
990111 -- In this week's "Wally Report," I've decided to let my hair grow long in the back. - Eventually, I'll put it in a ponytail to show I have an artistic side. - What's your artistic side? I collect coffee mugs.
990112 -- Watch this, Asok. I start out looking like a middle-aged guy with bad hair... - But simply by putting my hair in a ponytail, I transform into... - the coolest guy in the office. Curse you for raising the bar for us all!
990113 -- Wally, we're venture capitalists. We want to invest in your Web-based business. - I don't own a Web-based business. I'm just an engineer with a cool ponytail. - That's good enough for us. We like to get in early.
990114 -- Venture capitalists gave me money to start a Web-based business. - Do they know you're lazy and dishonest? I didn't come up. - What'll you create...besides accounting irregularities? That's all I have the energy for.
990115 -- Venture capitalists Despite your cool ponytail, you seem to have squandered our investment. - You'll get no more funding unless you mutter empty Internet words that make us swoon! - E-Commerce. gurgle
990116 -- How's your Internet start-up company coming? Good. - My plan is to be the dominant Internet source for tuna sandwiches. - So, if I buy one, you ship it overnight? No. You have to come pick it up.
990117 -- Security Stop. - Show me your "equipment removal authorization form." - This requires the signature of *two* employees. - Good catch. You'd better sign it so it's legal. - This seems wrong...but I don't know why. - And I'll need to see your
990117 -- birth certificate. - I don't have one. Then how do you know you were born? - I have baby pictures, but they could have been doctored by my alleged Mom.
990118 -- I used company resources to build my own Internet company. - Apparently my low job satisfaction bred disloyalty, which drifted into outright theft. - Sabotage can't be far away.
990119 -- Wally, tell our viewers how your Internet start-up got so hot. - Beats me. I was wondering how *you* got so hot. I'm burning up over here! - It says here you were an engineer. Is my ponytail doing anything for you?
990120 -- I sold my Internet business and married Roxie. - Don't worry about my money. Roxie insisted that we sign prenuptial agreements. - Now for our honeymoon. - Whoa! That's not in our agreement. He didn't read it.
990121 -- I lost my fortune and my trophy wife today. But I learned a valuable session. - munch munch munch - I hope I wrote it down somewhere.
990122 -- Our profits were good until a manager... - ...used his credit card to make a 900 call from an airplane phone. - Hey, I'm allowed to call my wife when I'm traveling!
990123 -- Do you mind if I floss? - Yes. I would be thoroughly disgusted and hate you forever. - Well, I can't please everyone.
990124 -- You spilled red wine on your shirt. - You should dilute it with white wine. - You'll thank me for this later. - I think that helped. You need salt to absorb it. - Try my Margarita. - Salt didn't work. Let's try pepper spray. Perhaps lighter
990124 -- fluid... - No harm in trying. I have one more idea. - Just once, I'd like to go to a party and not be set on fire. There's a stain on your rag.
990125 -- ...and one box of those big binder clips... ring ring - TIMMY, UNTIE THE NEIGHBOURS AND DO YOUR HOMEWORK - Maybe I'll come back later. DO *NOT* LIGHT THAT GASOLINE!
990126 -- As usual, Carol is on the phone yelling at her kids. - I wait, like a cheetah, for a chance to ask her for the key to the supply cabinet. - Are you waiting like a cheetah? I'm more of a Panda.
990127 -- Bob, have you ever noticed that the people with the people with the most experience are the ones who die? No. - My plan is to spend the rest of my life in an old coffee can, experiencing nothing. Hence, immortality. - How was your first week of
990127 -- immortality? So far, it's overrated.
990128 -- I stayed awake for two days to finish this R.F.Q. by the deadline. - But it will all be for nothing if you don't send it out today. - I'll put it in the middle of this stack so I won't forget it.
990129 -- I'm taking your urgent document to the overnight drop box, with nine minutes to spare. - The box is only eight minutes away. I'll stop for coffee first. - Don't worry. If the truck is pulling away from the box, I'll wedge this in the back
990129 -- bumper.
990130 -- Alice, we lost our biggest customer because you missed the R.F.Q. deadline. - That's because *you* said all overnight mail must go through your evil and lazy secretary. - So you're probably going to apologize and give me a bonus for my effort.
990130 -- What's your second guess?
990131 -- Make your report consistent with our strategic plan. - What's our strategic plan? It's a secret. - Are you saying you don't trust me? - I don't think it's a coincidence that most employee sabotage is done by employees. - How can I do my report
990131 -- if I don't know the strategy? - Okay, okay. I'll let you glance at it. - TIME'S UP! THAT'S LONG ENOUGH! - That's the warranty for your chair. Really? I've been managing to this for years.
990201 -- Carol, I'd like to reserve the conference room. - HA HA HA HA! I laugh at your request without even explaining why. - Someday I will be so powerful that secretaries will *have* to explain why they laugh at me.
990202 -- We didn't include engineers in the product planning sessions because...um...because... - Because we were art history majors in college. Pa-r-r-rty! - How soon can you build the cloak of invisibility? Let the man think, Clover.
990203 -- Bob, from now on, I will refer to myself in the third person. - Dogbert does this to emphasize his special brand of greatness. - Bob thinks that is a good idea. Hey! You're spoiling it!
990204 -- I need a job where my immense ego seems normal. - I've decided to be a doctor. I will determine who lives and who dies! - What? I can't die from an ulcer! Maybe not, but I enjoy the challenge.
990205 -- Doctor Dogbert I'm putting you on an extreme herbal therapy. - Come to my house once a week and eat my lawn down to one inch. - After six months, if your hair doesn't grow back, I have more herbs in my storm gutters.
990206 -- Doctor Dogbert I hurt my elbow, doctor. Let me see it. - - I recommend a career in marketing. And it's not a good idea to vote.
990207 -- I an Mordac, the preventer of information services! - I'll take your computer and your little P.D.A. too! - Do you recognize *this*? AAAGH! THAT'S MY NETWORK CABLE! - WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?! - Mordac, it is I, Catbert, the evil director of
990207 -- human resources! - YOU MADE MY PERSONAL PRINTER A SHARED DEVICE! - GRRRR!! AAAGH!! - Two wrongs make a right. Welcome to my reality.
990208 -- The "Meeting Moth" is attracted to all meetings. - Excuse me. I can't resist the urge to beat myself senseless on your table. - You have to envy his sense of purpose.
990209 -- #!** - #!** - A "meeting moth" should never go to a meeting on an empty stomach.
990210 -- My moth sense has detected a meeting. - Hi, guys! What are you talking about? Is this a meeting? I can't resist joining in. - RUN FOR IT! I'LL HOLD HIM OFF WITH THIS CEDAR-FLAVORED DONUT!!!
990211 -- Dogbert's tech support First, I need to ask you many questions. - Then I will transfer you to someone who will ask the same questions again. - We do this to remove any hope you might have had that we understand technology.
990212 -- Dogbert's tech support I'll need your serial number, which is conveniently located inside the unit. - The sticker says my warranty will be void if I open the case. - Well, call me if anything changes.
990213 -- Do you think I have too much false humility? - Try going a week without using any false humility, so I can see the difference. - Wake up, you piece of fetid carp, and experience the joy of knowing Dogbert!! This could be a long week.
990214 -- Catbert: H.R. director The ceiling in my work area collapsed. - No one else has complained. - A steel beam hit me in the head! - How can I be sure it didn't happen in your home? - There aren't any steel beams in my house!! - Maybe you removed
990214 -- them with your head. - Uh-oh...losing consciousness. - If you can hear me, don't worry! I'll write your suicide note!!
990215 -- I'd like to spend the first hour defining what "Information Technology" means. - Ooh ooh! Can I help pass out the materials? - It's not a good idea to mix enthusiasm with stupidity, Asok. Oh. Sorry.
990216 -- Catbert: H.R. director I value the input of all employees... - ...including the morons. Although in those cases, I cover my ears and sing loudly. - So I was thinking maybe... HE'S A PINBALL WIZARD
990217 -- I didn't know how to design a power supply, so I put a nail in a piece of wood. - I'm on vacation tomorrow, so I'll give you my files in case you need to make changes. - Once I had the idea, it all came together pretty quickly.
990218 -- Anyone who takes more than thirty minutes for lunch is unprofessional. - That's still too long! I say you're unprofessional after *six* minutes! - That's a little *too* professional, Wally. - DEATH TO THOSE WHO EAT!
990219 -- Would you like to see my pierced bellybutton? Um... - AAAH! AAAH! OW! OW! OW! - I still have a chance of a kiss if I keep this to dry heaves.
990220 -- This one has been on my desk for a month. It's critical. - I'll stick it back in the pile and see if it helps. - Yes, I feel better already.
990221 -- It's time now for the weekly Wally report. - By Tuesday the pointy-haired troll had dumped record levels of work on poor Wally. - Wally's happiness was in extreme jeopardy. - It was a moral dilemma too. - Would Wally disappoint the stockholders
990221 -- to save his own skin? - Or would he fight with his last ounce of happiness to complete all the assignments? - In the end there was only one choice. - You wrote the Wally report instead of working? STOP READING AHEAD!
990222 -- Dilbert, meet our new sacrificial lamb. - I filled our headcount vacancy so we have someone to dump after the next budget cut. - Should we shake hands? I don't want to get attached.
990223 -- Allen, I have to cut the salary budget. I probably shouldn't have hired you yesterday. - Luckily, I have extra money in the furniture budget. - As God is my witness, someday I will be a credenza.
990224 -- Catbert: H.R. director My boss treats me like furniture! - I'd help you, but it might set a dangerous precedent. - I need a new position. Have you tried couching?
990225 -- Our executives have started their annual strategic planning sessions - This involves sitting in a room with inadequate data until an illusion of knowledge is attained. - Then we'll reorganize, because that's all we know how to do! Have you
990225 -- tried it with a magazine?
990226 -- ...so Tina, you should have... I'm in trouble. Must use secret weapon. - WAAH!! WAAH!! EVERYONE HATES ME NO MATTER WHAT I DO!! - Thanks, that lowered the glass ceiling about a foot. I plan to marry a rich guy.
990227 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director "...new policy on reimbursement for travel..." - "do not tip more than ten percent for meals..." - "if the meal costs more than six dollars, bring back a fork." purrr
990228 -- Asok, I can't give raises to young employees. - Because as soon as you get a few dollars in your pocket... - you buy small motorcycles and disappear in the night. - I know that's generalization. - Some of you prefer the crack cocaine. - The
990228 -- good news is that I'm willing to be your mentor. - AAAGH! I GOT DOUBLE EIGHT HUNDREDS ON MY SAT!!! FOR WHAT?!! - Sometimes when I'm in a bad mood I tickle my own feet.
990301 -- ...and we know mass creates gravity because dense planets have more gravity. - How do we know which planets are more dense? They have more gravity. - That's circular reasoning. I prefer to think of it as having no loose ends.
990302 -- Prepare a presentation for our foreign visitors. On what topic? - It doesn't matter. I'm told they're from Austria and they only understand their own language. - Or was it Australia?
990303 -- They say people fear public speaking more than they fear death. - So technically, if you kill a guy who's scheduled to speak, you're doing him a favor. - When are you going to sleep? Never.
990304 -- I'd like to start with a cartoon. - It's about a guy who shows a cartoon before giving a boring presentation. - But it doesn't work because the cartoon has no punchline.
990305 -- This concludes my presentation. Are there any questions? - HOW DO I GET THE BOREDOM OUT OF MY HEAD?!! - The funny thing is that I'll list this on my annual accomplishments. AIR! I NEED AIR!!!
990306 -- I believe god created the earth because he hates people. - And I believe coffee tastes better if you stir it with your finger. - It sounds like a lonely religion. They all start that way.
990307 -- ...so our morale...umm... - What's that on your desk? It's a family picture. - I might be wrong, but I think it's only a picture of you. - The rest of the family is hard to look at. - I see no reason why I should suffer. - Now what was your
990307 -- question about morale? - Alice? - We're surrounded by freaks.
990308 -- Mwa fwa fwa ooh mah fuh. I can't understand a word you say. - And you're poorly dressed. You must be some sort of technology export. Or a rodeo clown. - There's a fifty percent chance I hired a data network engineer. I smell hay.
990309 -- WAH-WAH! WOO-WOO! - snort YEE-HA! - Just as I suspected, the new guy is a rodeo clown. He's fast.
990310 -- You must use the stars as your management guide. Does that work? - If you believe it works, then you're not bright enough to make your own decisions anyway. - So randomness is probably an improvement. Q.E.D.
990311 -- My astrologer told me to approve your project plan as is. - What? That's the correct decision. What's going on here? - My theory is that his ignorance clouded his poor judgment.
990312 -- My astrologer tells me that someone here is plotting to rip me off. - How much is your astrologer charging you? - Are you plotting to rip me off? I prefer to call it hourly billing.
990313 -- Yesterday you told me to do the exact opposite of what you told me today. - It's my way of holding you accountable. - I have a vague feeling that I am not being all that I can be.
990314 -- I'm from the Dogbert wrecking company. - I'm running a special on crushing your boss's new car in the parking lot. - What does it cost? - The first one is free. - If you're satisfied, I hope you'll consider my monthly plan. - It's the red one.
990314 -- He brags about it every day. - And when you spend that much, the dealer gives you a free model of your car! beep beep beep - And next month can you crush that little one on his desk too?
990315 -- Who are you? - I'm a scapegoat. BANG! - Oops. I was aiming for the messenger. It's his own fault for being here.
990316 -- I'm sorry you got shot, scapegoat. I'm used to it. - The worst was the day I blundered across the National Rifle Association's chili cook-off. - At first, everyone wanted to stand near me. Then the accusations started...
990317 -- I'm transferring you to the sales department, scapegoat. - Then we can make useless products and blame you for our low sales. - Wouldn't it be better to make good products? In a perfect world.
990318 -- And then I said, "How am I supposed to do all that?" Then I glared at her. - Do you have that woman's phone number? She sounds nicer than you. - I don't see why it's *my* fault she can't tell a decent story.
990319 -- Wally, did you finish the analysis for tomorrow? No. - I'm waiting until the last minute so you won't have time to ask for unnecessary changes. - I'm a step ahead of him - the analysis itself is unnecessary.
990320 -- I have to disagree with you, Alice. - Have you noticed that every time we disagree, I'm eventually proved correct? - EVERY SINGLE TIME!! Yes, but I'm always right initially.
990321 -- Alice, I'd like you to work with this big dumb guy. - He doesn't know he's dumb, so he'll tell people *you're* dumb if you ever disagree. - He's also lazy and a habitual liar. - THEN WHY DO YOU LET HIM WORK HERE?! - He has an excellent track
990321 -- record. No one knows why. - - Look what I just did. Excellent work. - Remember, Alice, you're never too old to learn.
990322 -- You're getting a visit from Hammerhead Bob! - I can't tell when I'm boring now and I don't even know it. - There's no way to end a conversation with me; I'll follow you to the bathroom. I'm nailed.
990323 -- You can't escape the relentless conversation of Hammerhead Bob. - Buwhaha! Your body language can't stop me! - WHERE'S YOUR PERSONAL SPACE NOW?! SOB EAR PLUGS, ASOK! EAR PLUGS!
990324 -- Wally, what's your project budget code? E473. - I'm switching you to E947, effective immediately. Why? - That's my new code for bald engineers. - It will grow back!
990325 -- My wife had a baby! - I hope it's not a moron. Have you looked into Foster Care? - Maybe we shouldn't have gone with our first instinct. We meant well.
990326 -- I wish we could wear Jeans at work. I'm wearing Jeans right now. - I wear my work pants over the Jeans so no one will know how comfortable I am. - Why does Wally's butt look so good today? I'm sworn to secrecy.
990327 -- I use art as a way of finding myself. - You're over there, Ratbert, in front of a bad painting! - And I did it without using any art.
990328 -- I'm trying a little experiment tonight. - I'll attribute a stupid opinion to you... - Then I'll aggressively mock you while you sit there saying nothing. - So, according to you, the Internet is a passing fad. - YOU MORON! LOOK AROUND YOU! THE
990328 -- INTERNET IS EVERYWHERE! - AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT! NOTHING!! - How did that feel? Quite satisfying. - I needed a back-up plan in case you ever get laryngitis.
990329 -- ...I'm going infrared from the keyboard to my "Linux" box. Nice, Mom. - I just sent a flaming E-Mail to Bill Gates, saying, "Linux rules!" You what? - Launch the competitionkeeper missiles.
990330 -- Dogbert, Mom told Bill Gates she uses the "Linux" operating system! - I'm tracking four incoming missiles. I'll launch our anti-Microsoft weapons to intercept. - I wondered why a press conference was being held on a huge catapult.
990331 -- Dogbert's Tech Support You'll need to do a hard reboot. Listen carefully. - Rent a van and fill it with stolen Dynamite. Park it near the power company's main relay station. - Can we talk? ...now aim the Bazooka at the van.
990401 -- Wally, I've been calling you for two hours! Why don't you answer your phone? - Is that a trick question? - Wally, unless you're in a meeting... Hold on. I'd better get this. ring ring ring
990402 -- You're suggesting a process that will fail even if we do everything right. When can you start? - Listen carefully. No amount of skill or effort can make this plan work. no pain, no gain. - You're not working with many tools here, do you? We
990402 -- need some sort of conference call.
990403 -- I never told my last boyfriend what a despicable creep he was. - BUT YOU'LL PAY FOR HIS CRIMES, AND PAY DEARLY!!! - Why don't you call him and tell him how you feel? I have a date with him at ten o'clock tonight.
990404 -- Dilbert, this is Peggy the P.R. director. - I want you to review her press release for technical accuracy. - Who wrote this? A trained squirrel? - I don't know where to begin. - I'll cross out the run-on sentences and transparent lies first. -
990404 -- Then the failed attempts at cuteness...the spelling errors...grammar. - There you go. Remember, criticism makes you stronger. - It was a mistake to make her stronger.
990405 -- Our annual ISO9000 audit is next week. - We can pass the audit if we put all of our non-conforming documents in the trunks of our cars. - Doesn't that defeat the purpose of a voluntary audit? And then torch the cars.
990406 -- Asok, I've chosen you to put our budget forecast together. - It's a hard job, but you'll get the satisfaction of making everyone hate your tiny guts. - My guts are not tiny.
990407 -- The budget cycle And I'll need a helicopter, double rotor. - If you have any respect for me or the budget process, you will not ask for such obvious budget padding. - And I'll need that chopper filled with albino tiger cubs.
990408 -- Do you have the budget calculated yet, Asok? I need to double-check the numbers. - Give me a copy now. I'll mentally adjust for the possibility the numbers are wrong. - Am I making a hug e mistake? This six is probably an upside-down nine.
990409 -- It's a funny thing about budgets... - No matter how hard you try, there's always a spreadsheet error that makes it all an exercise in futility. - Do you mind if I hum?
990410 -- I downsized the "ease of use" lab because there's no budget for a staff. - They *have* a budget. I put it on the back of these two-sided photocopies! - Well, they lived by the sword, and they died by the sword.
990411 -- There's Ted. He never sent me the information he promised. - Why have you ignored my request, Ted? - I was killed by a squadron of giant military squirrels. - He doesn't respect you enough to tell a plausible lie. - I DEMAND A *PLAUSIBLE* LIE!
990411 -- Okay, maybe I *wasn't* killed by giant military squirrels. - But I *was* imprisoned in their secret lair at the center of the earth. - You can't prove that one either way. He did say it was a "secret" lair.
990412 -- Introducing the new bonus plan. - Yes!!! I'm already working at peak performance, so that bonus is as good as mine! - Asok, Mr. Reality wanted to visit you, but his car won't start. I'm Phil.
990413 -- Asok, come to my secret lair and I will teach you about reality. - Your secret lair is a dumpster? Get in. - It's like my cubicle, but with much better lumbar support! French fry?
990414 -- Asok, life is like this dumpster. - On one hand, it stinks... - Both of my hands stink now. And you reincarnate.
990415 -- Phil, you have taught me so much about life. How can I repay you? - You can wax my huge spoon. - Why do you have a huge spoon? I'm just lucky, I guess.
990416 -- Hello. May I speak to the moron who designed my computer? - My computer locks up five times a day. I'm going to drive over to your house and kick your white, pimply... - Hi, Mom. Oh, I'll *find* it!
990417 -- We have a report that you threatened to kill a computer manufacturer. - It freezes up five times a day. I have to unplug it to turn it off. - Okay, we're with you. When's it going down? Is Tuesday good?
990418 -- Patty is our new "Process Manager." - Patty doesn't know how to *do* anything. - She only knows how to do things *better*! Process! - For example, this meeting is poorly managed because you have no process. - And this intern obviously had no
990418 -- process for deciding whether to attend. - Okay, Patty is annoying. All in favor of getting rid of her. - - You lasted longer than Timmy the "Facilitator."
990419 -- GOOD MORNING! - I said, good morning. - If I convince them they don't exist, I won't have to pay them.
990420 -- As requested, I did a "risk management" assessment. - I concluded there was no risk of any management. - Do you have anything to add? I'll get back to you.
990421 -- Dogbert Consults Eliminate phone support for your product. Provide help only via the Internet. - Then discourage people by making them answer an ominous list of personal questions. - 1. What is your home address? 2. When do you shower?
990422 -- I just realized that if my project is a success, my job will be eliminated. - The smartest thing I could do is fail miserably and blame it all on your indecisiveness. - I'm happy because I have a clear strategy! I haven't nodded in a while.
990423 -- Tell me what morale issues you have. I'll summarize them under the appropriate categories. - My managers are incompetent, arrogant, micromanaging misogynists. - That's one under "Time of Month."
990424 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director Alice, you blame others for your low morale. - BUT THE REAL PROBLEM IS YOUR TIGHT PANTYHOSE! - I don't think so. Then how do you explain your oversized head?
990425 -- Dogbert presents Managing by Analogies It's easy! - We'll solve our distribution problem the Eskimo way. Hu? - The Eskimos gather ice all winter long. - Later, during the lean summer months, the Eskimos eat the ice they stored. - We'll do the
990425 -- same thing! - But...the Eskimos would starve if they only ate ice. - Maybe they eat penguins too. They're delicious. - Did you know that the zoo can ban you for life if they catch you using a hibachi?
990426 -- I lost two pounds! I'm happy. Guess why. - Because you're supportive? Because there's less of you. - I was hoping for a scrap of encouragement. I'm all trapped out. Try back tomorrow.
990427 -- Do you have those budget numbers from last month? They're totally inaccurate. - I know, but those are the only numbers we have. Actually, we have infinite inaccurate numbers to choose from. - Let's keep those in our back pocket in case we need
990427 -- them. I'll encrypt them so no one else can use them.
990428 -- Asok, I've been calling and calling, but you don't pick up your phone. - I'd like you to meet a little something I call the "fist of death." - It looks like he gnawed through the wall to escape.
990429 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director I'm starting an employee skills database. - Question: is this the first step in moving everyone to jobs they don't want? - No, no, no...the *first* step was when I laughed myself fuzzy thinking about it.
990430 -- There's been a rash of thefts from cubicles. - The suspect is described as fat and slow-witted, with pointy hair. - The bulletin stops short of actually naming her Alice.
990501 -- I used a hidden camera to capture the thief who's been raiding our cubicles. - - The picture is grainy but I can almost make out a human form...or maybe a cat...
990502 -- The project will take six months... Time line - Unless there are unforeseen problems. - Question. - Your leadership has made me unmotivated. - Is that considered foreseen or unforeseen? - And Wally is dysfunctional on many levels. I really am. - Was that
990502 -- foreseen? Or are you saying the schedule is random? - He looks mad. I didn't see that coming.
990503 -- The boss is away. - An unscrupulous employee could send E-Mail from his account. - The following employees have odd-looking nostrils.
990504 -- Continue with your presentation while I take this quick call. Ring Ring - Go ahead and ignore me, you vice presidential pile of stinkin' money... Okay, bye. - Capital spending. Look how small my phone is.
990505 -- Asok, when I was your age I'd eat a huge breakfast, so I wouldn't have to stop working for lunch. - Then I'd eat a huge lunch, so I could work all night, or until dinner, whichever came first. - That's how I got to be the man I am today. Fat?
990506 -- This is our most reliable computer, unless you try< to use software. - It'll freeze several times a day. But you can restart it by poking a spoon into a hole in the back. - Has that ever worked? We think people are doing it wrong.
990507 -- Chest pains... My heart... - I INVENTED AN ANTIGRAVITY BELT, BUT IT'S HIDDEN!! - Do you think it's true? It's what engineers say to increase the odds of getting CPR.
990508 -- Tina, I want you to write the Chinese version of our product's instructions. - Can you tell the difference between Chinese words and random scribbles? - No. I'll be done in five minutes.
990509 -- I made a few upgrades to your design, Alice. - Do you realize you're not an engineer? - I'm better! I'm a well-rounded graduate of a liberal arts college. - The broad exposure to diverse topics made me what I am today. - A modern renaissance
990509 -- man. - You scribbled out my timing circuit and wrote in, "Moby Dick by Charles Dickens." - Exactly. I'll bet you didn't learn *that* in your engineering classes! - Poor engineers; their world is so small.
990510 -- We've reduced the volume of technical support calls... - by replacing our "on hold" music with the sound that balloons make when you rub them. - Do you ever feel like we're driving the getaway car?
990511 -- I've finished all of my objectives for the rest of the year. - What happens now? Do you double my salary, or do I take the rest of the year off? - You were wrong, Wally: there *is* harm in asking. Oops.
990512 -- I fear I am not meeting my personal goal of self-actualization. - I put all of our outdated binders in alphabetical order as you requested, yet I feel unfulfilled. - I assume that in phase two of this project I will find meaning. Now ship the
990512 -- binders to the dump.
990513 -- Wally, what is the quickest way to send these old binders to the dump? - I usually use "Fedex." Charge it to marketing; they never look at their expense reports. - Here's one more thing I can never tell anyone about my job.
990514 -- We'll redesign our processes to enable enterprise integration of knowledge resources and tools. - Question: Is it okay if I do nothing? - No. Well excuse me for making a suggestion.
990515 -- This completes my portion of the project. - This project is so well-engineered it would take a squadron of idiots to ruin it. - Meanwhile in marketing And when I'm napping, it is *not* okay to use my ears as coasters.
990516 -- Blah blah blah I'll have to be proactive to escape this boring meeting. - I'll fake my own death and hope someone drags me into the hallway. - AACK!! MY COFFEE IS POISONED! - Maybe we should drag him into the hallway. No. - Let's wait for him
990516 -- to stiffen. Then he'll be easier to drag. - We should pose him before he stiffens. - Something obscene? Or spread eagle, so he won't fit into a casket. - It never pays to be the proactive one.
990517 -- Look at this great alphanumeric pager I bought. - Wow! It's the kind that clips to your ear instead of your belt. Is it? - You're going to hell Ow! Ow!
990518 -- Wally, are you sure this kind of pager is supposed to clip to my ear? - It hurts. Maybe you can call someone to double-check. Good idea. beep beep beep - Bzzz bzzz bzzz Is there anything else I can do for you?
990519 -- Aaagh! I'm having a recovered memory of ritual abuse! - You had your annual performance review this morning. - Do the memories ever fade? It takes about twelve months.
990520 -- Well, we're almost back to my place. - Thanks for the date. I can make it from here. - I'd better attach the tracking device. I'll run down that alley and hide until he leaves.
990521 -- My date tried to run away, but I attached a tracking device to her coat. - Now I'll just compromise a spy satellite and a radio network. - ...so, if next weekend is good, nod once.
990522 -- Alice, I expect you to work all night to finish that project. It's vital! - Aagh!! I'm a victim of a random act of management! - I was sure the arm-pumping would make it seem less random.
990523 -- Can I ask a quick question? - I doubt it. - Oh, sure, it'll start as an innocent, work-related question. - Then you'll try to impress me with your knowledge of engineering... - ...in the pathetic hope that I value intelligence over physical
990523 -- appearance. WELL, I DON'T!!! I ONLY CARE ABOUT LOOKS! - Do you drive a red BMW? The lights are on. - And you still tried to ask her out? She's hard to read.
990524 -- I'll give you a million dollars if you go to work like that. - I'll call your bluff. I'm doing it. I'm going right now! Go ahead! - Tonight I expect a long debate over the exact definition of "Go to work like that."
990525 -- A bathrobe! This can only mean he found out how much market power an engineer has. - I'LL GIVE YOU a 30% RAISE IF YOU DON'T QUIT!! - Um..okay. Take me, you terry-cloth rebel.
990526 -- When I saw you wear a bathrobe to work, I knew you were a rebel. - From now on, when you come upon a group of us cool rebels, we won't suddenly stop talking. - But if *I'm* right, and yellow *is* a flavor, I get to hammer a nail into *your*
990526 -- skull.
990527 -- You must be the new office rebel we heard about. Nice bathrobe. - We're called rebels because we're easily manipulated into doing stupid things. Give it up for us! Whoo whoo! - I dare you to use branding irons on each other right now. Start the
990527 -- fire!
990528 -- You say you'd give me a million bucks if I went to work like this. Pay up. - I'll bet you double of nothing that you won't go to work totally naked. - Wait...what were his exact words.
990529 -- Carol, give everyone a copy of my reorg announcement. - They're already organized this way because I never distributed your last reorg announcement. - LET'S SEE YOUR "EMPLOYEE OF THE WEEK" DO *THAT*!
990530 -- Alice, make a few changes to this contract. - Changes? This contract was signed six months ago. It doesn't hurt to ask. - You want me to ask for a sixty percent discount? - No one said it would be easy. - You're asking me to be a clueless jerk
990530 -- in front of our primary vendor. - Please don't ask me to do this. - And ask if they'll change the part about "acts of god" to include poltergeists. - That's why our vendors never try to steal our best employees.
990531 -- But then I... Excuse me. - Does your story *ever* end? Or must I purchase your silence with my fist of death? - I might have to go to a two-warning system.
990601 -- Alice, it's okay to for men to be assertive, but when a woman acts that way... - Well, it's the "B" word. - Boxer? O-o-okay.
990602 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director Alice, did you kill another co-worker? Yes. - But you did not discriminate, sexually harass, steal or take drugs. Hmm... employee manual - It looks like I have to give you an award for your cost-saving idea. Thank
990602 -- you.
990603 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director Asok, you have taken too many training classes. Too many? - You're too skilled now. There's a risk you'll leave for a better job. - Does the "secret untraining method" work every time? I've never tried it before.
990604 -- Dogbert Consults Spray this Teflon(tm) on your body to better ignore the input of your subordinates. - SPLOIT! - Next time, shake well before using. Who cares what you say?
990605 -- That's my opinion. - That's my opinion. - Nice try, but I can wipe it off with a damp sponge!!
990606 -- E-Mail two copies to me when you're done. - Two copies? It's *E*-Mail. So? - Never mind. I'll e-mail two copies. - And fax a copy on green paper for my files. - Green? It's a *Fax*! - And bring me a hard copy of the Internet so I can do some
990606 -- serious surfing. - Motivation...gone...losing...consciousness... - How did I end up with all the lazy employees?
990607 -- I can't talk now, Wally. I'm rushing to meet my deadline. - Sounds like poor planning. Why must I suffer? - Do you mind if I stay here and think up new nicknames for coffee? Java-wava... Bean-brew...
990608 -- Will you *please* go hang around in someone else's cubicle? I need to finish my project. - Hey, I see Wally is helping on the project. Good teamwork, Wally! - I hope you do good work. I have a reputation to maintain.
990609 -- Dilbert, I'd like you to testify in the lawsuit against our company. - Tell the truth, but do it in your usual engineering way so that no one understands you. - Actually, I've decided to be a whistle-blower. Whatever. It'll all sound the same!
990610 -- The corporate lawyer Let's prepare for your court testimony. I'll pretend to be the other side. - LIAR! WHY IS YOUR ATTORNEY SO HANDSOME? WHAP? - They can hit me? I don't see why not.
990611 -- Can you explain the meaning of this internal E-Mail message? - It says we'll "use integration tools to leverage the utility of our enterprise-wide processes." - It appears to be something we call communication. PERJURY!
990612 -- Okay, whistle-blower, explain to the jury the alleged crimes of your employer. - ...then our applets were designed to corrupt cookie data from all competing portals. - Nice jury selection. So far you've made them hungry.
990613 -- So, that's my idea. What do you think? - Dilbert, you are so naive. - There are many things you don't understand. - That's because you never tell me anything! - LIKE NOW, FOR EXAMPLE! Dilbert, Dilbert, Dilbert... - Jeepers cripes! Just tell me
990613 -- what's wrong with my idea. - Lean over here so I can pat your head in a condescending way. - So you took the pat? I didn't want to leave empty-handed.
990614 -- Heh-hen...I'm using company resources to E-Mail my resume to a headhunter. - It's the perfect crime. - I've got mail!
990615 -- I just got this resume from a headhunter. - Evaluate her engineering skills and let me know if I should interview her. - Well, Alice, you're almost qualified to work here, but I'm concerned about your loyalty.
990616 -- I'll wear a clever disguise then interview for the engineering job here. - If he offers me more money than I make now, I'll take the job. Heh-heh. - You're suspiciously fashionable for an engineer. I store tools up there.
990617 -- I'm prepared to offer you $120,000 per year plus a parking space for your gigantic head. - Ha ha! It is I, Alice! I accept your offer for a higher-paying job! - Ha ha! It is I, Catbert! I'm not authorized to hire anyone! #!**ing cat!
990618 -- She's hiding her name tag so I won't get friendly with her. - I'll toss these fake babies in the air. When she catches them, I'll see her name and start flirting. - Dang! I knew I should have brought a third fake baby.
990619 -- These fake rubber babies will make me a chick magnet. bzzzzzzz - WHAP! Stupid fly. - It's tough love.
990620 -- Catbert: Evil director of human resources. I hired a new engineer for your project. - He's never been an engineer before. - But *you're* an engineer, so how hard could it be? - And he's cheap! I'll get a huge raise for being under budget. - AND
990620 -- YOUR PROJECT WILL FAIL! HA HA HA HA! - Uh-oh. I laughed myself full of static electricity. Fuzzy. Cute. - ZAP! - He's dead. Now what? I guess you'll have to drag him to meetings.
990621 -- Now move the thing next to the other thing and label it "RAM Cache." - I'm your boss, so it stands to reason that I'm a better engineer than you. - I'm telling you I'm working on my timeline chart. No, I'm sure that's a circuit design.
990622 -- Asok, I'm moving you to my "Quality Assurance" group. Gasp* - I realize this is bad for you... and bad for the company... but it solves my headcount problem. - Will that be my contribution to the world: "He solved a headcount problem"? That tops
990622 -- me.
990623 -- They're transferring me to "Quality Assurance," Wally. - BUT I'LL BE BACK, NO MATTER HOW LONG IT TAKES, OR HOW HARD! JUST STAY ALIVE!! - Wow. There must be a million web sites about Wiener Dogs.
990624 -- I'm exiled to the quality assurance department. My career is doomed. - I can't let my old department forget me. They're my only hope of returning to engineering. - It must be break time in the Q.A. department. I'll get the fire hose.
990625 -- Asok! Did you escape your job at quality assurance? - Yes. I had to take a job as a secretary's assistant. I'll work my way back up to intern. - It's four o'clock. Call my kids and yell at them. Cursing or not cursing?
990626 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director I will now use the science of face-reading to determine your potential. - I see your face riding proudly atop a mighty thoroughbred horse. - Jockey? Saddle.
990627 -- Someone should take care of that problem! - *You* could take care of it. - I can't do everything. - You don't do anything. Not a single thing. - It's my job to angrily identify problems. Wally... - That is *not* your job! What? - Everything is
990627 -- so ambiguous here! Someone should take care of that problem! - Is it just me, or is this meeting taking forever?
990628 -- Cube farming Weed. - Got it. - Suddenly there's more light...and I feel more nourished.
990629 -- Cube farming He outgrew his container. - I'll replant him in a big container with a door. - Why do tall guys always get picked? I'm sure there's a good reason.
990630 -- My cube farm has an excellent crop this year. - Here you go, fella. This will fatten you up. - If you ever need salt, just lick this pretzel stick. Mmm...ooh!
990701 -- My cube farm has an excellent yield this year. - I reckon I'll have to put this one down so he won't reproduce. - Sorry. No problem; I hear that a lot.
990702 -- Do you want to see a technical trick I taught myself? - If I shuffle my feet, I can make a tiny spark with my finger. - She's right; this thing does make an excellent doorstop.
990703 -- Dogbert's tech support If you upgrade your software, all of your data will be lost. - But if you don't upgrade, the old software will corrupt your data one bit at a time. - And if you try to back up your data, our software will hunt you down
990703 -- and bit-slap you until you delete it yourself.
990704 -- If you don't finish the project on time, I'll probably lose my job. - What would happen to us? - We would get a better boss. - We might get a better project too! - There could be weeks of confusion with no work at all! - YAY!! - It's all ours
990704 -- if we simply do less work! - Whoo! I've never felt my morale go up before. I'm dizzy. *!%*#
990705 -- It has come to my attention that some of you believe there are hidden cameras in the ceiling. - How did that come to your attention? - Hey, aren't you the one we call "Mister Itchy"?
990706 -- I DID IT! - It's a strategic technology plan that everyone supports. - If only there were a way to copy images from one piece of paper onto many.
990707 -- Your analysis disagrees with my intuition. - Your intuition also told you the Internet would be replaced by modems...whatever that means. - I'm misunderstood, just like...um...what's-his-face. Satan?
990708 -- Before I eat a sandwich, I always remove the useless edges of the bread. - That tells you what kind of manager I am. - You're the anti-crust?
990709 -- I'm here to perform an exorcism. - YOUR MOTHER IMPLEMENTS MULTI_VENDOR PROCESSES WITHOUT SYNERGY!! - Here's the problem. Someone gave you this oversized coffee mug. REORG!!
990710 -- Meet with our vendor and come up with a plan. I'll do the same with their executives. - Can you see any reason why *my* meeting might be a complete waste of time? - Sure, lots of them, but I'm planning to spring those on you during your
990710 -- performance review.
990711 -- I need your budget estimate today. - We won't have useful numbers until next week. - It doesn't work that way, Asok. No? - As soon as he asked the question, he went into "Boss Hibernation." - He can't see or hear anything until we say a number.
990711 -- Watch. - Three million dollars. Uhn! - Three million. Good work. - The first time I saw it, I panicked and ended up with a budget of $911.
990712 -- What's your new management book about? - It's a bunch of obvious advice packaged with quotes from famous dead people. - Did Ghandi really say "get that #!*% dessert cart off of my foot!"? He might have.
990713 -- Dogbert gets a loan. I plan to buy all the copies of a book I authored, thus making it a bestseller. - And I'd like to use your house as collateral. Unless it's a dump. - How are you planning to pay us back? Do you take books?
990714 -- Dogbert in Hollywood I'd like to turn your book into a movie. - We have to keep it real, so any normal person can relate to it. Do you know any normal people? - No, but I'm willing to watch movies to learn about them.
990715 -- Mister Dogbert, would you autograph my book? - Sure, kid. But I'll need to use your back as flat surface. - He's got parents. "Matthew" won't fit, so I'll call him "Allen."
990716 -- Did you know you can buy your own island nation? - They even sell a kit that helps you conquer and oppress the indigent people! - I'd like to buy Rhode Island...and one "evil tyrant" conquest kit. Would you like a flag with that?
990717 -- In tape one, I'll teach you how to conquer a small island for no money down. - First, you must travel to the place you plan to conquer. - I'm designed to sitting. That's why my butt is covered with soft fur. I think that's happening to me too.
990718 -- The Feng Shui consultant This office is swarming with evil spirits. It is? - There's one in your vent! Ooh - he ducked back in before you saw him. - Put rubber bands around your pant legs to keep the spirits out of your trousers. - I figure the
990718 -- evil spirits will mount a rear assault through that window. - AAAGH! - WHAT DID YOU SEE?!! It's gone now. - Your only hope is to turn your secretary's cubicle into a Koi pond. - Do you feel any luckier? **!*%*
990719 -- May I have a tissue? NO! - Why should the low-paid secretary provide free tissues to engineers? - Hey, free tissues! Gaaa!
990720 -- Reorganizing didn't work. We're going to try something new. - Synergistic realignment! - What did I tell you about doing "The Wave"? I got swept up in the emotion.
990721 -- Tina the tech writer My derogatory and condescending E-Mail will set things right. - Send! click - Every time I send E-Mail, I get a stomachache and an urge to flee the country.
990722 -- Why do you seek Mordac - the preventer of information services? - I regret sending an insulting E-Mail message to our  CIO. I need to delete it from the server. - The server was in that closet, right? That's the CIO's office.
990723 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director Tina, you are accused of shooting the CIO's credenza five times. - I'm writing "Tina was bad" on this cardboard. I order you to attach it to a special hat for two weeks. - How did it go? I got a suspended sentence.
990724 -- Our new software will gently warm  your keyboard so the keys are easier to press. - We'll bundle it with our software that makes your laptop lighter. - In a word, we have become "market driven." Create a diversion. I'll run for help.
990725 -- Welcome... - ...to our annual employee meeting. - Our theme this year is "The Hindenburg." - ...which I'm told was a famous cigar-shaped balloon. - Let's all thank Alice for choosing the theme and planning the event. - Now please enjoy this
990725 -- film clip of the Hindenburg. - Aaagh! The humanity! - He's coming on you. Detonate the costume. One, two...
990726 -- You gave me a project that can't get funded because it's not in the strategic plan. - And you won't let me make waves by asking for a change to the strategic plan. - So I'll be in my cubicle creating "Powerpoint" slides and praying for a
990726 -- reorganization.
990727 -- Wally, your performance is slipping again. - This calls for my most severe disciplinary action. - HE MADE YOU WATCH HIM EAT? MONSTER!
990728 -- My name is Juan Delegator. I bring you an assignment. - This is *your* assignment. You're trying to get me to do your work. Teamwork! - Well, I guess I could do you a favor. And I wouldn't say no to a haircut.
990729 -- Juan Delegator ...and this one also requires your decision before I can work on it. - Do you have any more assignments for me that I can turn into work for you? No. - And have you learned your lesson? Yes: Give all work to Alice.
990730 -- Overtime is no longer mandatory. - It's required. - I manage and I manage, but nothing seems to make them happy. grrrr
990731 -- We need six weeks to make a good product design. You gave us three. - Thanks to your leadership, the product is bad, our stock will plunge, and our lives are totally meaningless. - Oh, and happy birthday. We all signed a card.
990801 -- The new policy from our CEO bans coffee from cubicles. - Because he says, "it causes a distraction" and can "mess up desks." - How did... Hold it, Dilbert. - It's Alice's turn. You get the next easy one. - Make us proud. Ahem, ahem. - How did
990801 -- he become a CEO... - ...if he's too stupid to drink coffee and work at the same time? clap clap - Our CEO also discussed unnecessary expenses. Lucky! Ahem.
990802 -- It took me three days to enter all of my appointments into this PDA. - I'll enter our next meeting. TUESDAY... TWO O'CLOCK. - Is it voice-controlled? I sure hope so.
990803 -- Finally! I've been in the tech support queue for an hour! - Loser. - Can I speak to your superior? There's some religious debate on that question.
990804 -- Dogbert's tech support Hello, I... Shut up and reboot. - Hey, it work... Shut up and hang up. - My average call time is improving.
990805 -- Computers aren't for everyone. I love my trusty manual typewriter. - Oops. - I hope I can correct that before all my friends evolve into birds.
990806 -- I feel sick every morning. - All day long, I feel like either crying or punching people. - You've got a bad case of mahjobis crappus.
990807 -- You're a tough negotiator, but I think we have a deal. - Just sign the contract and we'll deliver the equipment. - This contract is totally different from what we agreed. - Must act surprised. Really? - Why are you springing all these
990808 -- conditions on me at the last minute? - No one has ever complained before. - May I borrow your briefcase for a minute? Um...okay. - That wasn't nice. NO one has complained before.
990809 -- Your requirements document is the biggest I've ever seen. - It's to big to read, but I can guess from its weight what must be in there. - You know it's a multi-user, global system, right? No, I'm not getting that.
990810 -- One of us will have to read this gigantic product requirements document. - Unless it gets destroyed in a freak accident. - It's like watching Thomas Edison work. I have some oily rags in my cube.
990811 -- The huge product requirements document was destroyed in a freak accident. - I'll ask marketing to send you a new copy. - I told you we can't stop the one-bee-at-a-time. We have to go for the queen.
990812 -- I'm going to capture the queen bee of marketing. - No matter what she says, don't be seduced by her marketing buzz. - A man with a rope is here to see you. I wasn't loyal enough to stop him.
990813 -- Queen Be of Marketing See if you can create a buzz over this. Yes, my queen. - Is that a free rope? Give it to me, you worthless engineer! - Look, everyone! There's enough to go around my neck and over that beam!
990814 -- It seems a bit dark in my office today. - I think you employees are hogging all the electricity. - You just double-clicked! I heard it!
990815 -- The pointy-haired boss wants to see you. - He tried to reach you by phone, E-Mail and pager. - But you resisted his electronic attempts to ruin your productivity. - So he decided to send in the ground troops. - DON'T MAKE ME USE THIS! - Could
990815 -- you wait outside while I return some phone calls? - Get to the back of the line. - Does anyone want to have a conversation? I have a magazine.
990816 -- Hammerhead Bob Are you going to lunch? I'll join you! - ...and that's why it's called a "clean room." But how clean is it really? - I'll speak louder in case the other tables want in on this.
990817 -- My spring-loaded butt will help me join nearby conversations faster. - So then I... SPROING - Did you know I'm an authority on whatever you're discussing?
990818 -- Your invention will earn the billion dollars for this company. - By the way, you're not allowed to have decorations above the walls of your cubicle. - We both did something important today. Give me five.
990819 -- Asok, you've been chosen to head our customer appreciation celebration. - The theme is "Thank goodness there are so many idiots." - When do you plan to tell him it's a joke? Let's see how the posters turn out.
990820 -- Catbert: Evil H.R. Director So you think you're leaving for a better job? Yes. - Your agreement with us bans you from working in this industry if you quit. Ha! - Holy cripes! It *does* say you can dance on my head. Hold still.
990821 -- Catbert: Evil H.R. Director In order to eliminate all traces of individuality... - All computer wallpaper must be the same. What next? - In theory, with enough helium, the employees would all sound alike.
990822 -- There's no reason to be stressed, Alice. - Allow me to be your role model. - I remain calm despite the pressure of impossible deadlines. - That's because you have no pride and no ambition! - I've worked day and night to make this deadline! -
990822 -- And when I succeed, the glory will be mine! - Our new VP just canceled the project so the last VP would look bad. - They say that when the student is ready, the master will appear.
990823 -- Dilbert, I'm putting you on a team. - You'll be working with other intelligent, highly motivated people plus... - a stubborn dumb guy with a V-neck sweater.
990824 -- You've all been chosen for this team because of your talent and professionalism. - Except for Dan, who is a big stubborn guy who will prevent our success. - Shall we commence failing? I can't do work without a vision statement.
990825 -- Big Stubborn Dumb Guy We should remove the contract employees from our E-Mail bulletin list. - Um..they need that information to do their jobs, and there's no incremental cost. - This is when you agree with me and we move on with our lives. I
990825 -- will fight you to the end of the earth!
990826 -- I'd like you to meet the little stubborn dumb guy. - If for any reason I cannot fulfill my duty to thwart your project, the L.S.D.G. will take over for me. No, I won't - YES YOU WILL!!
990827 -- We can save money by cutting used paper into little squares to use as note pads. I made these in less than one hour. - Not counting the time it took me to print the blank pages.
990828 -- Then if you... ...analyze the data... - It's a hostile takeover of my presentation! ...you'll see a pattern... - And you let him do it? He had a laser pointer the size of your head.
990829 -- Remove that last bullet point. It's stupid. Gasp. - Yesterday you told me to add that bullet point. - So either you were wrong today or you were wrong yesterday. - Everyone come quickly! He has to admit he's wrong!
990829 -- - - Say it. - Alice heard me wrong yesterday. - It takes a big man to admit Alice is wrong. CAN YOU HER AU, ALICE?
990830 -- Catbert: Evil H.R. Director We like to promote from within the company, Asok. - But what we like even more is yanking your chain and then hiring from the outside! - Explain why you work here if you're so smart. I'm timid.
990831 -- In order to save money, I made a checklist of your most common mental errors. - It'll be a hot day in hell before you need that, my friend. - I need to add a new category.
990901 -- I'm off to a meeting about your project. Is there anything I should know? - Yes. You should know how dumb it is to have a meeting about my project without inviting me. - Every time I learn something it makes me unhappy.
990902 -- Every employee gets a lovely mug with our new motto, "I made a difference." - Question: May I have the cash equivalent of the mug instead? - No. May I have a mug that says, "I didn't make a difference"?
990903 -- Mordac denies your request to add memory to your laptop! - But you would replace it if it were damaged, right? That is my policy. - Maybe I should rethink that policy.
990904 -- Catbert: Evil H.R. Director "To reduce airline travel expenses..." - "sprint across the runway and cling to the plane during takeoff." - That'll weed out the dumb ones.
990905 -- Good idea, Dilbert. I made a few changes and sent out. - GAAA! - You removed the parts that made it a visionary idea! - Now it's just an unimaginative retreat of an idea that has been widely discredited. - GAAA! AND IT HAS MY NAME ON IT! - That
990905 -- idea was the energizing force that gave me strength to work. - NOW IT'S DEAD! YOU KILLED IT! - I'd love to chat but I have to manage someone else now. gurgle
990906 -- Move out our budget system onto the under-utilized mainframe. - It's under-utilized because it's obsolete. - Reality versus management; who shall be the victor?
990907 -- Cost Everything went wrong in exactly the way I told you it would. - In the next phase you will experience something I call "reverse amnesia for managers." - Wait a minute; *I'm* the one who told *you* that the project wouldn't succeed.
990908 -- If your numbers are correct, my strategic plan is irrational. - SPOINK Cognitive dissonance takes over - You sure are bad with numbers. What was that noise?
990909 -- I found some numbers that support your strategic plan. - I had to take the square root of a negative number to do it. - The timeline is on the mobius strip. Good work.
990910 -- A prospective client will be touring our marketing department in an hour. - We need you to sit in a vacant cubicle so it looks as if work is done there. - Hey! That one is only *pretending* to work!
990911 -- Carol, come here! All of my words have squiggles under them! - The software is telling you that every sentence you wrote has bad grammar. - Press F1 for help and...it's a third grade enrollment form.
990912 -- I'm relocating to a better cubicle. - Tonight a team of movers will take my boxed possessions to an undisclosed location. - They're also going to laminate my company I.D. - I'm supposed to leave it with the guard on the way out. - And I got paid
990912 -- two days early! - It's all because management appreciated the constructive criticism I posted on the message board. - As I hoped, my condescending tone helped then to see their folly. - Do you mind if I rifle through your boxes and take office
990912 -- supplies?
990913 -- This is the bare minimum budget I need for my project. - What could you do with half this amount? Fail. - When can you start? I think I just did.
990914 -- I'm working on a project that is too under-funded to succeed. - Every day is a slow but unevitable slide toward failure and humiliation. - At least I'll always have my mom's unconditional love. Are you going to hold me to that?
990915 -- I see some water damage on your ceiling, Mom. - That's usually the first sign that the roof will collapse. What should I do? - Well, if you hear any strange sounds, you might want to leap to a window.
990916 -- Your wall is warm, Mom. Is that bad? - There's no way to be sure unless you remove the sheetrock and look. - Please stop finding defects in my house. I smell propane.
990917 -- Thanks for dropping in. Too bad you have to leave so soon. - Your sidewalk is cracking. You need to build a drainage trench, with sump pumps. - When I told her she was living in a powder keg she made a weird yelping sound.
990918 -- As you recommended, I canceled the software upgrade project. - That's the exact opposite of what I recommended. You only hear what you want to hear. - Yes, I do look thinner. It must be because of the sit-up I did yesterday.
990919 -- The boss asked me to give his presentation. - I'll start with his irrelevant comparisons. - Our budget is lower than last year... - ...when we had completely different projects. - Our average product development time is less... - ...than the
990919 -- average for companies who make different products. - Let's move on to his list of blindingly obvious insights. - If it's okay with you, I won't read them aloud. Computers are getting faster!
990920 -- Asok, the boss wants to see you in his office. - He must want to thank me for all of my hard work. Am I right? - I'm supposed to measure your torso. Is he knitting me a sweater?
990921 -- I have been summoned to the boss's office. - He probably wants to give me some sort of award for my good work as an intern. - Why do you need to know where that air duct ends? It's been bugging me.
990922 -- I have never been summoned to your office before. It is a great honor for an intern. - I need you to crawl through this air duct and find out where air comes from. - Air comes from outdoors. No, I think it's coming from our building.
990923 -- Hello, Mother. I called to tell you I get your joke. - You don't know what I'm talking about? Ha ha! You're really playing this one all the way. - It turns out that this is my actual life. It's the good part.
990924 -- The wavy pattern on the carpet is making me dizzy. - I'd better go home and sleep it off. - I'll be back tomorrow unless all the sleep makes me groggy.
990925 -- Catbert: Evil H.R. Director Wally, you've taken sick days for unusual reasons. - For example, one day you got sick because you "...accidentally imagined what it would be like if you were a fly." - And today it's your hair? I lathered and rinsed
990925 -- but I don't remember repeating.
990926 -- Dogbert the Consultant This is my final report. - I'm recommending big, big changes... - Because I know you're too cowardly to implement them. - So...it will be our fault if nothing improves. Exactly. - AAAGH!!! We can't do all of this! -
990926 -- Couldn't we just change the names of all our departments? - THOSE IMBECILES! HOW DARE THEY IGNORE MY ADVICE! - You're supposed to say that behind our backs later. I'm in a hurry.
990927 -- Our safety department has tested our drinking water and found no problem. - Then why do you only drink bottled water? - Because that's what the security department drinks.
990928 -- I'm going for a fifty-mile run. Would you like to join me? No. - I signed up for two triathlons this weekend. Do you want the entry forms? No. - Next week a few of us will be leaping into geosynchronous orbit... GAA!
990929 -- All new laptop computers will be Osbornes. - They come with something called a floppy drive. - Something tells me we're not operating on "Internet Time."
990930 -- I like your Internet business idea. Let's do it. - I sent you that idea a year ago. Since then, five companies have gone IPO in that space. - Can we buy one of them? If by "one" you mean one share of stock, yes.
991001 -- Here's what I don't understand... - You just asked me to follow a proceed that has failed thirty times in a row and you know it. - At what point can this no longer be called "optimism"? When it succeeds?
991002 -- So, what do you do for a living? - I slavishly obey the insane commands of a pointy-haired baboon. - The sad thing is that you're the best catch at the party. I work in a big box.
991003 -- I am Mordac, the preventer of information services!! - You have exceeded your allocation of disk space on the server! - I sentence you to one week without E-Mail. - No problem. - No problem? How can an engineer survive without E-Mail? - UP
991003 -- AGAINST THE WALL!! - WHERE IS IT? - He found the modem taped to my ankle but he missed my wireless pen modem.
991004 -- Wally, technology is a young man's game. - That's why I'm replacing you with this low-paid embryo. - Teach him to do what you do. He's already doing it.
991005 -- I hear you're being replaced by a low-paid embryo. May I see it? - He is so-oo cute! I'm teaching him to drink coffee. - Is that healthy? It must be. I drink six quarts a day, and look at me.
991006 -- How's the new guy doing? Not bad for an embryo in a jar. - I hate the fact that he only got fertilized a week ago and he gets paid more than I do. - In all fairness, he does obstruct progress less than you do. Everyone sides with the cute one.
991007 -- I'd better ruin then career of this upstart embryo before he replaces me. - I need volunteers to give constructive criticism to human resources. - O don't like your attitude.
991008 -- As a leader, I must listen to my customers. - What are you hearing from our customers? Not a peep. - Our customers are defective.
991009 -- A good leader listens to his employees... - No matter how much he is laughing on the inside. - Maybe this isn't a good time.
991010 -- It's "positive attitude week," Alice. - If you see a co-worker with a positive attitude... - ...give him the positive attitude paperweight. - There's one! - - It worked. He's back to normal. #*!!** - HA HA HA!! Uh-oh. **!!** - ONE MORE! QUICK!!
991011 -- Your project is twenty percent over budget and two months late. - That's because you bungled the allocation of resources. - Bosses hate the word "bungled."
991012 -- Wally, you're invited to my new "After-5 Club." - A select group of employees will meet after work to think of creative ideas. - Is there a club for people who know how to think during business hours?
991013 -- Tina the tech writer I grew tired of writing the same old stories for the newsletter. - So I started inventing stories of bizzare workplace crimes. - Sometimes we in the media have to give the copycat criminals a little kick-start.
991014 -- Our company newsletter has reports of bizarre workplace crimes. - I've never thought of these crimes before, but now I have the urge to be a copycat. - Thank goodness my parents raised me to be lazy. They were very wise.
991015 -- Your compensation is related to the number of people you manage. - Likewise, my career as director of human resources depends on the quantity of employees. - It's as if there were a conspiracy to hire hordes of incompetent employees.
991016 -- If I eliminate the training budget, I can afford to hire two more people. - Then I'll have enough direct reports to get a vice president title. - Shouldn't we have a strategy? I have one. Thanks for asking.
991017 -- My boss is so dumb, he brought a tape measure to a distance learning class. - HA HA HA HA HA! - My boss is so dumb... - He puts postage stamps on his E-Mail. Now he can't see his PC screen. - HA HA HA HA HA! - How about you, Dilbert? Do you
991017 -- have any dumb boss jokes? - Dilbert, my PC is warm. I think our fire wall is acting up. - We're sorry. We didn't know.
991018 -- Write on a scrap of paper the names of employees who do great work and put them in the hat in my office. - And then do you select one name to receive valuable rewards? - No, the scraps of paper make my hat more comfortable.
991019 -- Every department was asked how it could reduce its budget ten percent. - Your project is vital to the future of the company, so I cleverly offered to eliminate it, knowing they couldn't accept. - Now this is the funny part...
991020 -- Photography is my new hobby. - Click - Do you want a picture of me? No, I like to look at them later.
991021 -- My long-term plan is to drift into a job where I have no impact on anything. - - He was to uninspired to finish swallowing.
991022 -- I decided to try motivating you. - ...if you do a great job, you get to go on a golfing day with co-workers. - Question: Can I take a pay cut instead. zzzz
991023 -- Lately, I've been feeling a lot of pressure to do work.  Wally, do you realize this is your job? - There - that's exactly what I'm talking about.
991024 -- Dogbert's ad agency. According to my research... - ...people don't use your products when they are outdoors. - Somehow we must keep people indoors. - I recommend an intensive ad campaign... - Featuring this slogan... Outdoors is for losers -
991024 -- The TV spot will show hummingbirds attacking a man in his garden. - Question: Wouldn't that destroy the happiness of gullible people? - We'll them it doesn't.
991025 -- We'll be destroying another healthy company via a process we call merging. - NO engineers will be downsized after the merger. - And tech writers... Yes?! Should write that down.
991026 -- Tina the tech writer Why must the tech writers be downsized after the merger? - If you prick us, do we not bleed like engineers? - What kind of experiment?
991027 -- Alice, I need a career that has job security. - Teach me to be an engineer. I don't care if it takes all day. - But don't tell anyone; they'll all try to get in on this scam.
991028 -- It takes years of training to be an engineer. - But you don't need any training whatsoever to be an engineer's boss. - It's unskilled labor without the labor. I could do that.
991029 -- I'd like to enroll in Dogbert's accelerated management course. - Take out your checkbook and begin your final exam now. - Question one: what is today's date?
991030 -- I can't give you a raise because you came to work on one of your vacation days. - Employees are not allowed to change vacation days without permission.  -On an unrelated note, try to be more empowered.
991031 -- Here are the strategies from our seven silo teams. . your job is to merge them into a coherent company plan. - These are all mutually exclusive. - I'd have to totally change them to make them coherent. - In effect, I would be deciding the
991031 -- strategy for the entire company. - That's okay. Is it? - No one ever reads it anyway. - I feel sorry for those losers on the silo teams.
991101 -- Your project is to build a call center to handle customer questions. - Keep the costs down by making the working conditions inhumane. - My conscience won't allow me to harm innocent employees. We won't be paying enough to hire any innocent
991101 -- employees.
991102 -- I've been ordered to build a company call center with inhumane working conditions for the employees. - But I don't feel guilty because I'm only acting under orders. And maybe they did something to deserve it. - I might need your help to demonize
991102 -- them. I'm all over it.
991103 -- Designing a call center Give the employees six minutes of bathroom breaks per shift. - Tiny cubicles...and we'll monitor calls and have incompatible objectives, such as speed and customer service. - How's the project going? I'm still collecting
991103 -- the abuser requirements.
991104 -- Designing a call center If the employees get this volume of calls per day they will wish they were dead. - But they won't be dead, just too beaten-down to look for better jobs. - I don't know how to make it any more inhumane. We can punish them
991104 -- for not being cheerful.
991105 -- So Mister Ratbert, why should I hire you to work in my call center? - I thrive on the challenge of inhumane working conditions. - Watch me go without a restroom break for four hours! You're hired.
991106 -- Call center Here's where you'll be working, Ratbert. - This must be where people leave their shoes. - Is it okay if I hang things on my wall?
991107 -- I'm the newly designated fire warden for this floor. - You might expect me to be bitter about this assignment. - Granted, It tells the world I wasn't productive at my regular job. - And if the building burns, I'm expected to be the last one
991107 -- out. - But my only concern is your safety. - In the event of a fire, don't be too proud to panic. - If the windows won't open, try flushing yourself to safety. - And never, *ever* get between me and the exit door. Wally...
991108 -- The attendance award goes to Judy for missing the most days. - I think we all agree that morale is higher when Judy isn't there. clap clap clap - We took turns coughing on the certificate.
991109 -- ...and since our bonuses depend on things we can't control... - ...can mine be based on the performance of some other company? - You ask one question and suddenly you're not a team player.
991110 -- I'll reduce turnover by showing I care about you. - Tell me about your kids, Asok. - I don't have any. - Let's say you do for the sake of this exercise.
991111 -- Alice, I care about you... - Bunt only enough to improve your morale, not enough to be illegal in any way. - So, tell me about your health in the least specific way possible.
991112 -- Do you mind if I pretend to like you? I hear it increases productivity. - - I need to go back to my cubicle now. It's working!
991113 -- I'll come around the desk so it appears that I consider you an equal. - - So, what's on your little mind?
991114 -- Sale - Do you have any questions? - What's your best running shoe? - They're all the same. Sneakers are sneakers. - Alan, may I have a word with you? - - The expensive sneakers are far superior. I'll take them. - I feel like I'm clubbing a baby
991114 -- seal. - Will these work with my old socks?
991115 -- Alice, your name was accidentally omitted from the reorganization paperwork. - You're in a place known only as org-limbo. - Stop making it sound scary! Where did Alice go?
991116 -- Forgotten in the reorganization plan, I exist in org-limbo. - The normal people can't see me or hear me. - Sometimes the unassigned have unfinished business. I can see them.
991117 -- I can contact employees who are in org-limbo. - Hello-o-o! Why doesn't anyone return my calls? - COME TOWARD THE REVISED ORG CHART, ALICE! It's so beautiful!
991118 -- The company will not buy PDA's for employees. - Question: will you still pay for business trips of no discernable value? Of course. - A lot of people are traveling to Palm Pilot California lately.
991119 -- rrring - I've been watching you through your Web Cam and I don't think you're working hard enough. - Well, it wasn't *much* of a fire wall. I'm using your mail server to spam my Mahjongg club.
991120 -- A hacker broke into our system and found our corporate strategy. - Did he post it on the Internet? I'd like to read it. - I'm also curious about my objectives for this year. Do you have the guy's E-Mail address?
991121 -- Young Dilbert Mom, can I go skateboarding at the construction site? No. - Why not? Everyone else does it. - If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you do that? - Well, that would depend on many factors, including height, training and equipment.
991121 -- - But if 100% of the people who jumped off cliffs said they enjoyed it, as in my skateboard example... - ...then I would conclude that it was safe. - A better question might have been, "if everyone wore clothes, would you do that?" - Her
991121 -- credibility gets worse every day.
991122 -- This is our new CEO. He has a reputation as a turnaround expert. - It is a pleasure to meet you. Do you favor TQM or more of a business process approach? - I'm partial to the value-based management method. I'm not familiar with that one.
991123 -- Everyone says you're a grad turnaround CEO. - What does it take to turn around a company like this one? - I guess it's better not to be noticed the first month.
991124 -- The turnaround CEO ...from a value-based management perspective it's clear... - ...that the training department's return exceeds the cost of capital... So please don't kill me. - Okay, you're next...and begging doesn't work.
991125 -- The turnaround CEO If you let me keep my job, I'll do the work of ten people. - Specifically, it would be the ten people in our strategic planning group. - They don't do much. I'd like you to be my traitorous mole.
991126 -- The turnaround CEO Tell me, mole. Who can I fire without affecting revenue? - In theory, you could outsource everything and run the company with one smart employee. - And at the risk of sounding rude, only one of us knew that.
991127 -- The turnaround CEO The turnaround is complete. I'm off to my new job. - It's a meat packing house that needs to reduce overhead. - I figure I can switch a few room signs and finish in an afternoon.
991128 -- Catbert: evil director of human resources I love my job. - Hello, hapless employee - I've renamed the four levels of employee performance... - ...to accurately reflect the views of management. - The category of "exceeds expectations" is renamed
991128 -- to... - ..."at least he or she doesn't drool on himself or herself. - "meets expectations" will be called "loser". "does not meet expectations" will now be called "die! die! die!" - I could send it out by E-Mail but I enjoy seeing the looks on
991128 -- their faces.
991129 -- In addition to ISO9000, we will strive to be QS-9000 compliant. - That means falsifying the following documents: QSR, APQP, FMEA, MSA, SPC, PPAP and QSA. - Remember, you can't spell compliance without "liance".
991130 -- I brought my kids to work because day care is closed. - Tess is a yeller and Smokey is a biter. - Why is day care closed? The towns-people torched it.
991201 -- I thought you were telecommuting today. I'm sick. - So I came into the office to get some rest and be pampered. - Fortunately, my pajamas look exactly like work clothes.
991202 -- I can't send you to this class, Alice. We need you here. - And after we use you up, we'll need you to be someplace else. - What will I do when my skills are obsolete? Try walking around with a coffee cup.
991203 -- The Web site needs to be more webbish. - But not too webbish. - How long will that take?
991204 -- I found a book about astral projection. - I'm gonna try this during our meeting. - Does anyone want to switch chairs?
991205 -- Congratulations to my secretary Carol for getting her MBA. - At this company we believe hard work should be rewarded. - The next time you fetch my coffee, get some coffee for yourself too! - You should be promoting me, you pompous baboon! - How
991205 -- can I explain this in the most sensitive way? - The secretarial stigma will cover you like a mountain of wet carpets until the day you die. - I'm glad we had this talk.  I think it helped. - The next time you ask for coffee, we'd like to watch.
991206 -- I speak English but I think in french. - Someday I'll take french lessons to find out what the heck I'm thinking. - Croissant.
991207 -- You're all idiots. I quit! - There...I found a higher paying job two miles away. Adios, suckers. - I'm the new web designer. I hear you're idiots. Where's the Ethernet jack ?
991208 -- Webmistress Ming Our web site needs some dancing skeletons. - Normally I suggest dinosaur pictures but they're too big for our disk drives. - Are you getting this down, Ming? How do you spell "#%**!"?
991209 -- I linked our web site to various sponsors who pay us for eyeballs. - Those sponsors link to other web sites who link to us. - The net-net at the end of the day is we owe ourselves a billion dollars. Eyeballs?
991210 -- Webmistress Ming You have a broken link. I know, I know. - You have a broken link. I know, I know. - The men are getting perverse pleasure from reporting my broken links. - Your graphics are slow, too.
991211 -- Webmistress Ming Ming, I think the Internet might catch on. - I rushed over her so I could be the first to say it's a new paradigm. - Did anyone beat me? I wish someone would.
991212 -- Dilbert, come meet the two new employees. - This is Sophie, one of the best engineers in the business. - The other one is her incompetent husband. - We had to hire him so Sophie would agree to relocate. - Are you saying I didn't get hired for
991212 -- my talent? - You don't have any talent, honey. Oh, that's right. - Dilbert, your job is to do his job in addition to your own. - Do you want to see my collection of squirrel heads?
991213 -- I rescheduled the pre-meeting. - Now the pre-meeting is after the meeting. - I'll schedule some time for me to pre-care.
991214 -- Being a manager means never having to be less condescending just because you're wrong. HA HA HA HA HA - Did he finish my performance evaluation? I heard him working on it.
991215 -- I heard your project got cancelled. What? - NO! NO! WHY ME? I'LL NEVER LOVE AGAIN!! - I renounce my religion. Ouch.
991216 -- Free blood pressure screening today 135 over 88. - You're below the company average. Here's some more work. - How long did you think you could get away with that?
991217 -- We have the best employees in the world... - ...not counting the people who refuse to work here because the pay is so low. - Improve morale...done.
991218 -- Alice, I've been asked to counsel you about your abuse of co-workers. - The theory is that I can alter your personality by talking to you. - If you feel a tingle, that's probably your DNA changing.
991219 -- May I get a laptop computer? - No, but you can order one for me. - May I go to this technical seminar in Hawaii? - No, but can sign me up for it. - May I take this Friday off so I have a four day weekend? - No, but I can sit in for me while I
991219 -- take that Friday off. - May I eat this caterpillar? Give me that. - I hope they never recognize the pattern.
991220 -- Asok, I want you to observe our VP so we can figure out what our priorities are. - We've built a duck blind in his office using cubicle material. - 10:28AM, the subject is flossing.
991221 -- 2:19P.M., the VP reads a document. - The subject tries to lose the document to avoid making a decision. - 2:21P.M., the subject learns to use tools.
991222 -- Wally, don't do anything until we get the market research data. - - No longer must I put my hand on the mouse when I hear footsteps. Yes!!
991223 -- I'm creating a Web site of free medical advice. - GET SOME EXERCISE, YOU LAZY HOG!! - That's it? Nothing to do now but wait for the IPO.
991224 -- DogbertMD.com had a successful IPO today, netting billions for Dogbert. - The company has no profit now and expects no profit later. - The company issued a press release that says, "neener neener. Profits are for losers." Succinct.
991225 -- Now I'll use my hype-inflated stock to buy companies that have real value. - The lesson is that hype always triumphs over substance. - How's your moral compass doing? Spinning, just like you said it would!
991226 -- You were totally correct. - We *can* develop the product on time and under budget. - All we have to do is give up some features. - For example, the original design called for a scalable wide area network switch... - ...with multiprotocol
991226 -- support and full network diagnostics. - The new design calls for a shoebox full of yarn. - So we're in good shape..assuming yarn is free. - You're a serious threat to my open door policy.
991227 -- Our strategy is to detect any trends and react accordingly. - Isn't that exactly the same as not having a strategy? - Hey, this slide didn't make itself.
991228 -- I signed up for an executive MBA program. - It's one-hour long and I get a degree from a prestigious university. - I'd better run. I'm already a half-hour late.
991229 -- Welcome to the Dogbert one-hour executive MBA course. - Notice that I took your money and I'm giving you almost nothing in return. - That was a case study. We have time for one more.
991230 -- This concludes your one-hour executive MBA course. be boring $=good remember to embazzle! - On your way out. Pick up a diploma from the laser printer and fill in your name. - Remember, your degree can be prestigious if none of you ever discuss
991230 -- what happened here.
991231 -- I scheduled the meeting for 6:00 A.M. so everyone can make it. - I assume you'll show up at eight o'clock and blame traffic. - The great thing about being a sociopath is that I always get enough sleep.
000101 -- I hired the "Bait and Switch" consulting group because they're so smart. - I'm assigning Eddie to work on your account. You will never see me again. - So, what is it that you do here?
000102 -- CEO says... The research supports my strategy. - You can read the research but don't make copies. - Senior VP says... I can tell you about it but you can't read it. - VP says... I don't remember the reason but I'm sure there is one. - Assistant
000102 -- VP says... There's no reason. - Our strategy is a huge mistake but we have to do it anyway. - After I fall asleep tonight, please smother me with a pillow. - My people love me because I manage with data.
000103 -- Dogbert Consults You need to do data mining to uncover hidden sales trends. - If you mine the data hard enough, you can also find messages from god. - ...sales to left-handed squirrels are up...and god says your tie doesn't go with that shirt.
000104 -- Dogbert Consults My data-mining software has found another message from God. - It says you've been stealing lunches from the refrigerator in the break room. - Then it says, "Ha ha, that wasn't pudding!"
000105 -- Our consultant has been mining all the day. - The results are quite shocking. - According to the data, sales are always highest when I do this... -
000106 -- The Data Miner Eureka! I found another correlation. - When you're on vacation, all your employees telecommute. They do? - And 100% of all expense vouchers are signed when you're out sick. We have vouchers?
000107 -- Asok, your bonus is only 5% this year. Don't fell bad; I only got 5% too. - But 5% of your salary is four times more than 5% of my salary. - May I feel bad about *that*? Sure. Go wild!
000108 -- I've got a good crop of lint in my belly button today. - I'll leave it on Dilbert's keyboard. - I wonder if there's such a thing as managing too much by instinct.
000109 -- I quantified our marketing strategy because you insisted. - I listed the pros and cons on this sheet. - Then I added up the columns. - The pros outnumber the cons, so we're going forward. - Let's see. Your cons include...unhealthy and
000109 -- unprofitable. - Your pros are...waffles, eggs, bananas and milk. - Oops. That might be my grocery list. - YOU FOOL! I TOLD YOU QUANTIFICATION NEVER WORKS!!
000110 -- I completed all my assignments. How may I be of service now? - I think I have something in here. - My other assignments were on wrinkled paper, too.
000111 -- Mister Catbert, could you help me see the relevance of my work to the well-being of society? - Your shuffling of unimportant documents helps the air circulate. - All of my documents are E-Mail.
000112 -- Carol, you parked in my reserved space. - I scheduled you to drive to meetings all day. Oh. - Tomorrow I move my stuff into his office and the coup is complete.
000113 -- When you finish this, I have more assignments for you. - Carol, you're the boss's secretary, not my boss. And this is a page from a magazine. - Keep up the good work. You didn't listen. That can only mean you're my new boss.
000114 -- Look who's back early from his business trip. How did it go? - Excellent! I won every meeting by default. The other side never showed up. - Did you know your secretary uses your office when you're gone? For what?
000115 -- Hey Alice. What are you eating? Let me have a sniff. - SNIFF! - MY LETTUCE IS GONE!
000116 -- Asok, can you help me install an Ethernet card? - Tina, I am not your personal tech support. - But you know how to do it and I don't. - Well...that is true. - Could you carry the PC to my new cubicle? It's too heavy for me. - Someday I'll repay
000116 -- you by teaching you about semicolons. - How come I have many useful skills and you have none? - I guess I'm just lucky.
000117 -- Mister Dogbert will be CEO of our financial subsidiary. - My goal is one million victims in the first year. - Then I'll do some cross-selling, which I prefer to call "bayonetting the survivors."
000118 -- This investment combines the best features of an annuity plus a twenty-year car lease. - How can I tell if there are hidden fees? You can pay me 1% per year to advise you. - Wouldn't that be like paying a burglar to guard my house? Excuse me
000118 -- while I wag.
000119 -- Wow! The Dogbert Investment Fund has higher fees than any other! It's true! - That's how you can tell it's the best fund. I'm in. - Are you diversified? Yes, I have suckers of all types.
000120 -- Dogbert Investments For a 1% annual fee I will invest your money with a certified financial planner. - He'll charge 1% per year to put your money in mutual funds that charge 1% per year. - Will I make any money? I don't see you doing any of the
000120 -- work.
000121 -- Dogbert Investments So, you charge a fee every year even if you do nothing? - It takes years of training to know when to do nothing. - I guess that makes sense. Here's my bill for not removing your tonsils.
000122 -- Dogbert Investments Before I invest in a stock, I talk to the management in person. - What good is that? They're all huge liars. - You believe I really talk to them, right?
000123 -- We're changing to a cash balance pension plan. - It will make the company much more competitive. - Yippee!!! A cash balance plan is good for young employees! - Oh, yeah? Well it's not so good for me! - I demand that you change it back! NO! -
000123 -- I'LL SNAP YOU LIKE A DRIED TWIG, YOU LITTLE ZYGOTE! - OUCH! STOP CLUBBING ME WITH YOUR ARTIFICIAL HIP!! - On the plus side, they do seem more competitive.
000124 -- From now on, all teams will be formed on the basis of Myers-Briggs personality types. - If you do not have a personality, one will be assigned to you by human resources. - We need a quiet dumb guy to pair with an extroverted thinker.
000125 -- I have the results of your Myers-Briggs personality test. - You've been classified as a "PHB." - There's a fourth letter, but that was for an expletive.
000126 -- In this week's Wally report, I'll discuss a serious threat to my productivity. - By Tuesday my brain was so full that I had to forget things to make room for new things. - Wally, I have some information for you. Great, I'll just forget the
000126 -- fifth grade.
000127 -- Ed, the experts say managers should over-communicate during times of uncertainty. - YOU'RE FIRED, YOU'RE FIRED, YOU'RE FIRED, YOU'RE FIRED, YOU'RE FIRED! - I'll come back in ten minutes to do that again.
000128 -- I'm stuck in an assignment that has no hope of succeeding. - HA HA HA HA HA - Can I have the first bite of our sandwich?
000129 -- I'm stressed out about work. Maybe I'd feel better if I verbally abused a co-worker. - YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF MONKEY SPIT! - Dang. I was going to use that one. Aah...
000130 -- My anti spam software is complete. - It checks my incoming E-Mail for key words. - Then it deletes anything that looks like an advertisement. - Suppose a beautiful woman sends you a message saying... - "I am a model for Victoria's Secret. I
000130 -- want to date you on my sailboat." - But she spells sail S-A-L-E. What then - - What's she wearing?
000131 -- Another company offered me twenty percent more. Will you match it? - No, I prefer to hire someone who is loyal, even if I have to pay forty percent more. - Managing is supposed to be a science! My mime wall blocks your sound.
000201 -- I know I could earn more money at another company. So why do I stay? - Maybe the coffee is good and you enjoy watching the anthics of feeble, unaware losers. - No, I don't think that's... This coffee is good.
000202 -- Should I stay at my current job where the commute is easy? - Or should I risk everything and join a fast-paced start-up company? - I joined a fast-paced start-up company while you were yanking. Mine went IPO.
000203 -- If I quit I'll lose some unvested stock. That's why I'm willing to suffer my job. - A normal brain irrationally puts more weight on a small loss than a huge opportunity. - But now that you explained it... Now you're just stupid.
000204 -- I can't do anything because I'm always waiting for someone else. - And you can't quit because  your stock isn't vested. - Am I in heck? No, I'm just working the overflow from Limbo.
000205 -- Limbo A Division of Heck Step inside. - You'll be sitting in the career limbo section. Goodbye. - Jeepers! The service here is terrible!
000206 -- My tests prove our product is defective. - Customers expect delivery tomorrow. - Our corporate philosophy is "quality is our primary goal." - So...you want me to delay shipment until we fix the problems? No. - I want you to ship now so we can
000206 -- book the revenue. - GAAA! THAT'S THE OPPOSITE OF OUR PHILOSOPHY!!! - Now you know why there aren't any rich philosophers. - There used to be one, but he believed I was a swiss bank.
000207 -- I need to see a web site that's blocked by our I.S. group. - Submit a business case to the Web Productivity and Security Committee. - Hey, bro, where's your shell? This ain't casual day.
000208 -- Wow! You've developed eight patentable ideas, Asok. - We'll have to bury them or else it will look like we have too much free time. - Then I said, "Literally?" and then he said...
000209 -- Come to the VP's office with me. You need to get some face time. - What is face time? It's very important. - And this is you asking for a raise.
000210 -- I'll get this information for you. - No you won't. You'll wait until I hunt you down and then you'll say you were too busy. - Today I started hating people in advance. It saves time.
000211 -- Dilbert, you've become too aware of reality. I'm sending you to "cynics anonymous." - A higher power will help you to regain the naive optimism that once made you a perfect employee. - Why can't the higher power change me while I'm sitting
000211 -- here? Fluorescent lights block his power.
000212 -- Cynics Anonymous My company sent me here to regain my naive sense of trust. - All in favor of using Dilbert's company-paid dues on beer, say Aye. - Make sure you sign up for our gambling cruise.
000213 -- Don't invite marketing to the planning meeting. - If I don't, they'll sabotage the implementation. - Yes, but if you *do* include them in the planning... - ...they'll hose the plan? Exactly. - And they'll still botch the implementation. - If we
000214 -- know it's doomed, why do we bother? - It's the same reason I had kids. - At least there's a reason.
000214 -- The new policy says you must drive carefully while using cell phones. - This policy is just in time.  I had planned to drive into a tree. - Is there anything there about handling poisonous snakes?
000215 -- Yikes! Our CEO is selling his stock! - Don't worry. It's routine diversification of his portfolio. - Oh...I guess that's okay. Sell, Sell, Sell.
000216 -- Dogbert Consults Management is like an organism that needs to survive and grow. - Employees are your fertilizer. - So I'm like a well-fertilized plant? No, and sadly, weasels don't need fertilizer.
000217 -- Let me do all the talking to the customer. Check! - You'd better make up your mind fast. We plan to discontinue that product any day. - Well, excuse me for trying to fill all lull in the conversation.
000218 -- He's on the phone. You'll have to stand here and wait. - Don't leave. Don't make noise. Don't try talking to me. - Arm hair LX-943 is growing nicely.
000219 -- I created a prison Morse code so we can communicate during the day. - Tap your secret messages on the cubicle wall. - tap tap tap I  S E N T  Y O U  E M A I L
000220 -- Our division is unusually profitable this year. - That means our targets for next year will be set impossibly high. - Our only hope of reaching our profit target next year... - ...is to sabotage profits for the rest of this year. - It's too
000220 -- late to stop customers from buying our products. - So we'll focus on increasing our wasteful spending. - Wally, I'm sending you to a leadership training class. - Did you ever stick out your coffee mug and just follow where it took you?
000221 -- My name is Paul Tergeist. error - I have a way with technology. system failure - Have you met your new lab partner? My pen is hovering!
000222 -- This technology will work or my name isn't Paul Tergeist. - - I wish I had a nickel for every time that happened to a co-worker. ow
000223 -- Put together a demo of our new product. Our CEO wants to see it. - My partner is channeling the angry energy of a thousand dead souls. - Why can't you be more like that?
000224 -- The technology demo The software isn't 100% complete. - If it had a user interface you would see something here...here...and sometimes here. - And then you'd be saying, "I gotta get me some of that." Any questions?
000225 -- I', planning to give worthless awards to famous people. - If enough celebrities come to the award ceremony, it will become prestigious. - I've never heard of the Dogbert Gullibility Award, but it's an honor to be nominated.
000226 -- The Lifetime Gullibility Award goes to Bob Flabeau. - I would read Bob's biography but it's comprised entirely of false memories planted by his herbal therapist. - It looks like a stick but it's solid gold. Wow!
000227 -- I'd like to start with a diagram. - It's a bunch of shapes connected by lines. - Now I will say some impressive words. - Synchronized incremental digital integrated dynamic e-commerce space. - Any questions? - May I have a copy of your
000227 -- presentation? - - The results of my experiment are disturbing.
000228 -- I can't meet next Tuesday because that's a B.V. day. B.V.? - Boss vacation. I don't need to pretend I'm working that day. - And on Wednesday I'll be walking around all day with a binder.
000229 -- Did you do any action items this week? - I gathered costs for a strategy we had already decided not to use. - That helps the ol' GNP. I'm not giving back your tuition money.
000301 -- Ted resigned. Your job is to find out where he hid his file. - Our only clue is that he was disgruntled. - Negatory on porcelain patty.
000302 -- I have found where Ted hid his files before he quit. - A skeleton! I know what I must do. - Who's the babe? Stay away, home-wrecker.
000303 -- Asok, it's against company policy to date a skeleton you found in a closet. - We're just fiends! I swear! Eh! Eh! - It's just as well; I think I chipped a tooth.
000304 -- We can't make enough of our product to meet demand. - Our new strategy is to be more arrogant. We hope that will lower demand. - Can you teach me to be arrogant? Bah!
000305 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director We've decided to give you a new personality. - What? Why? - Your current personality is non-standard. - You must choose one of the approved corporate personalities. - The choices are sycophant, gladhander, sadist,
000305 -- quantoid, prima donna, empty suit or whining misfit. - Empty suit sounds interesting. - Excellent choice. Here's the spec sheet. - How did it go? Same ol' Same ol'. You got that right.
000306 -- This will be your cubicle. - In six weeks our I.T. people will connect you to the network so you can do your job. - I'll stop by every few minutes to see what you're doing.
000307 -- We don't pay enough to hire brilliant people for our Web team. - I need webiot savants who know they should have better jobs. - I'd expect stock options, of course. NEXT!!
000308 -- One out of ten research and development projects will succeed. - I recommend cancelling the other nine. - I wonder where he gets all these crazy ideas.
000309 -- Can you turn your one-page report into a two-page executive summary? - I was planning to spend the day snapping myself with the elastic band of my underwear. - But your idea is good, too.
000310 -- The employee appreciation luncheon will be potluck. - Drop off your dish at my house on your way to work. - If this works, I'll never need to buy groceries again.
000311 -- I've been asked to quantify the benefits of our knowledge management systems. - I measured our intern's head to see if it got bigger. - The higher drag coefficient means we lost a little in the sandwich-fetching department.
000312 -- Alice - Stirrup pants are not professional attire. - I just filed a patent that will earn fifty million in license fees for the company. - Really? Wow. - But it's no excuse for bad pants. - Whatever. Did you sign the budget request I gave you
000312 -- last week? - No...I've been busy with various pant-related crises. - Here's another.
000313 -- My idea is to change our department name from engineering to... - e-engineering. - I'm working on a similar idea for marketing but it's not done yet.
000314 -- ...so my head swelled up like a beach ball and the I.R.S. wants to put me in jail. - In summary, you're a basket case. - Women hate it when you summarize.
000315 -- I hired a psychologist to help you handle stress. - We need another engineer, not some freakin' quack!! - Is there a pill for that? I took it.
000316 -- The psychologist It's normal to have stress when a merger is pending. - Merger? What merger? - There I go again!
000317 -- Should I be trying to discover a shared vision that will foster enrollment rather than compliance? - Or should I modify my conceptual map to focus on organizational complexity? - Is any of that the same as work? It pays the same.
000318 -- I performed many tasks, but I can not claim any accomplishments. - Because things might have turned out better had I never been born. - Technically, it's true. Remind me to slap you later.
000319 -- We found a dozen bugs in the software you sold us. - We can fix these bugs for $20,000. What? - You can't charge us to fix your own defective product! - BUWAHAHA!! - Sorry...I was overcome by an evil euphoria. - I guess we have to pay. We have
000319 -- no choice! Excuse me. - Put more bugs in the software! I'm making a fortune out here! - Phblllt! I'm starting to question our single source strategy.
000320 -- As requested, I came up with a plan for doing more work with fewer people. - A future version of me will arrive via time machine to help on the project... - ...unless you say something now that makes me unmotivated.
000321 -- ZZOOP! - I am you from the future. Your time machine invention works. - How does may head get like that? Stick a finger in this hole.
000322 -- A future me built a time machine and came to help on my project. - Hello, you miserable pile of solid sewerage. - You always got bad assignments after today.
000323 -- Alice, this is me from the future. Hi. - At the next holiday party, she's all over you. - Is that true? No, but after today she never drank again.
000324 -- I know every tragedy that will happen in the future. - HERE IT COMES!!! - I'll never forget the day I spilled hot coffee on my crotch.
000325 -- I must return to the future now, your majesty. - They don't call me majesty, yet. You'll make it retroactive... - ...so you could boss around the time travelers. In that case, dance for me.
000326 -- Tina, move that title... - ...over here. - AAAGH!! - YOUR FINGER OIL IS ON MY SCREEN!!! - Now I have to spend ten minutes cleaning it... - ...because you don't understand how to hover your finger. - See?! This isn't hard. You hover the finger!
000326 -- Don's touch! - I hope I'm not losing my aura of infallibility.
000327 -- Here's my CD-ROM business card. - It has a film archive of all my character flaws. - Including this one? It's number 34.
000328 -- I reviewed your CD-ROM business card last night. - I browsed your personal web page. - Maybe we should do some conversation. I already had one in my head.
000329 -- Anne, I need you to review my first draft. - TYPO! AAAGH! MY WORLD IS FLYING APART!!! - You killed Anne L. Retentive with a typo? - No, she's in a comma.
000330 -- I did the analysis using your bad assumptions. - Then I applied your flawed logic and arrived at your predetermined answer. - Shall I begin disillusioning the team? This needs a pie chart.
000331 -- I cancelled our dumpster service to save money. - I discovered an alternative that costs nothing. - Everyone tear off a piece and put it in your pocket.
000401 -- I want you to perform a gap analysis for our department. - Be completely honest. - The gap is located between two pointy tufts of hair that move about the office.
000402 -- Can you sing or dance? - Ted? I thought you resigned in disgust two weeks ago. - Well...I wrote a huge resignation manifesto that I planned to E-mail to the entire company. - But I thought it needed pictures. - Before long I was adding video
000402 -- clips an humorous sound files. - Then I thought, hey, why not put it all on a Web site? - Now I'm turning the whole thing into an off Broadway theatre production. - I saw my first motivated employee today.
000403 -- I'm thinking about going out on a fake disability claim. - Do you think anyone will believe I'm disabled? It's hard to believe you're not. - Do you need a note from my doctor? No, it's been obvious for a long time.
000404 -- Wally is out on disability. I want you to spy on him. - We need video evidence of Wally doing a vigorous activity. - Can you think of anything that Wally does vigorously? I'd rather not.
000405 -- Wally's claim of disability will be put to the test. - Here we go...oh, yeah...come on Asok...go baby, go! - Does he ever move? It looks that way when I jiggle the camera.
000406 -- I came back from my fake disability leave. - I missed the camaraderie and the stimulating conversation. - I didn't know you were gone. Not bad for a Tuesday.
000407 -- Always ask yourself, what would Dogbert do? - This bumper sticker will help remind you. Gimme. - Umm...I wouldn't do that. You really should try it.
000408 -- At all times I ask myself, what would Dogbert do? - Then it doesn't matter that my brain is the size of a tiny dried peanut. - That thought would make Dogbert hungry.
000409 -- Fly to Austin and answer some questions for a big customer. - Doesn't this customer have a telephone? - You don't *call* big customers! - Um...why not? - You have to go in person to show that you care. - Actually, that would show that I don't
000409 -- understand the concept of the telephone. - Just go. - Do they have these where you come from?
000410 -- Remember the time you went skydiving? No. - You will. I'm planting false memories in your subconscious. - It won't work. But you believe you went to college, right?
000411 -- Did I ever tell you about the time I went skydiving? - That sounds like a false memory planted by Dogbert. Bah! - My parachute didn't open.  Luckily, I landed on a trampoline and bounced back into the plane.
000412 -- Take this to the technology buddha for enlightenment. - He's busy meditating. - He must be very wise. Huge bowl of vanilla ice cream.
000413 -- Technology Buddha How did you become so enlightened? - I just eat a lot and tell people their ideas stink. - Whose shoe did you scrape this off of?
000414 -- I'd quit this job, but next year I'll get an extra week of vacation. - If you get an extra week for every ten years of service... - ...you'll be happy in 480 years. Good plan. Shut up.
000415 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director Would you work harder if we offered stock incentives? Yes. - So you admit you're not working hard enough now. Umm... - Lastly, are you still beating up customers?
000416 -- ring ring Again? That thing rang last week, too. - Hello. May I interest you in long-distance phone service? - How long is it? - Umm...it's very long. Extremely long. - I need to know exactly how long it is! - If it's too short I'll have to
000416 -- shout the last mile! I hate that. - Okay...it's fifty miles long. - No, thanks. I don't know anyone fifty miles away.
000417 -- I got huge severance packages from my last four employers. - If I get fired one more time I can retire. - Ken, we need to talk. KA-CHING!
000418 -- I've been taking a self-paced online training course to "sharpen my saw." - What's the subject? I don't know. - How could you not know?! What part of "self-paced" is confusing you?
000419 -- I'll make your life miserable! I'll thwart your every move! - Hi. I'm the new sadist. What happened to the old one? - He went to sadist paradise. The auditing department?
000420 -- The company sadist You're invited to my four-hour meeting. - There's no agenda. It's just supposed to hurt. Any donuts? - Yes, but I'll drop one on the floor and hide it with the others. I like those odds.
000421 -- The company sadist I forwarded your E-Mail to everyone. - Gaaa! That E-Mail insulted half the people on our project!! - That's an interesting theory about why my hair is brown.
000422 -- The company sadist Okay, sadist, it's time to meet the fist of death. - Note from the author If you are the sort of person who is influenced by comic strips, I assure you nothing bad or violent happens next. Alice and the sadist discuss their
000422 -- differences and become lifelong friends. - What was in that big bag I helped you drag to the dumpster?
000423 -- ZZZZZ beep beep beep - It's time to complain about my workload. - An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of assignments. - I'm working day and night! - I've got projects, assignments, deliverables, tasks... - ...must-do items, action items,
000423 -- fire drills, and dog and pony shoes. - Wally, I have an assignment for you. ! - I solved my glare problem.
000424 -- I finished the project plan without your input. - You would have lied to me anyway, so I just skipped that step. - I've already assigned blame for failure, but don't worry, it's just preliminary.
000425 -- Dilbert is one of our social misfits. - Your job is to keep him away from normal people. - Hello! I'm right here! Your title will be "engineering liaison."
000426 -- Engineering liaison Tell me your project status and I'll translate for our clients. - The project will never be completed because our idiot clients change the requirements every other day. - I'll just say you're drunk.
000427 -- I understand you're the new engineering liaison. - Does that mean what I think it means? - She claims it doesn't mean that. Ohhh.
000428 -- Demons have possessed my PC. They force me to view web sites of unspeakable abominations. - The only solution is for you to approve the purchase of a new PC for me. - How are the unspeakable abominations today? Much faster!
000429 -- I'm Bucky, the project manager. - Your assignment is painfully difficult and probably unnecessary. - If you need me, I'll be complaining about you to your boss.
000430 -- Dogbert consults Your software product is riddled with bugs. - I recommend repackaging it as rust inhibitor for computers. - The ads will say "you know it's working because of all the error messages." - People aren't stupid. - According to my
000430 -- research, they are. - Dumb Ignorant Stupid Ear Wax - I need that rust inhibitor, I spit when I type. - I think the rust turned my exclamation upside down. That's the letter "I".
000501 -- Asok, this will be the most important assignment in your entire career. - You must affix the asset tags in this folder to our office equipment. - BWAA-WAH-AH!! He must be having problems at home.
000502 -- My assignment is to put asset tags on all equipment. - Did you know that staplers are not considered equipment? - No one likes to make conversation with the asset tag man.
000503 -- As CEO, I thank you for making me obscenely wealthy. - Yesterday I built a guest house using bundles of cash as bricks. - I need a new speech writer.
000504 -- I've been asked to summarize my project into three bullet points. - I had to invent some new words. - Believe me, you don't want to be any of these things. splurby noobah pizkwat
000505 -- I'm starting to get an inferiority complex. - If it makes you feel better, that isn't a complex. - Now if you excuse me, I gotta take that wicked wag.
000506 -- I need to take a class to learn the new technology. - Our vendor's sales person will teach you everything he knows. - You only need three "moist towlettes" to give yourself a sponge bath.
000507 -- Which presidential candidate do you like? - I strongly favor the one with the funny hair. I forgot his name. - His social policies are the exact opposite of your views. Really? - Well, I like his tax plan. - Every credible economist thinks it's
000507 -- a bad plan. Oh. - It's a good thing we talked before you polluted the system with your vote. - Do you want to make out? - She claimed to like intelligent men but she lied.
000508 -- I've decided to become a generic self-help consultant. - I'll tell people to keep a journal of all their thoughts. Then I'll bill them. - How would that help anyone? I lead by example, my friend.
000509 -- You can lose weight if you write down all of your meals in a journal. - That's all I need to do? Yes, if you use our patented weight-loss pencil. -
000510 -- This product would melt the polar ice caps and doom humanity. That's okay. - You're part of humanity. No, I'm in marketing. - I won't help you destroy the planet. That's what I said until I saw the free t-shirts.
000511 -- My marketing plan calls for the annihilation of all life on earth. - Our only serious competitor is a company that sells tobacco and junk food. I'd like volunteers. - I need some accomplishments for my quarterly review.
000512 -- To the untrained eye it might look as if I do no work. - But inside here is a raging sea of knowledge management and strategic thinking. - Did you hear that gurgling sound?
000513 -- Dogbert consults My team can build an E-commerce site for you. - It will be so well-documented that your I.S. group can easily maintain it. - But the coolest part is that the documentation will be delivered by flying pigs!
000514 -- Carol, from now on, I want a live person answering my phone. - What attracted you to that idea? - Was it the inefficiency or the drain of morale? - Important executives don't use voice mail. - I have some information for you. Call me. - beep
000514 -- beep beep beep beep beep beep - He's not here. Do you want to leave a detailed message? Yes. - WELL, YOU CANT!!!
000515 -- I scheduled a meeting with your boss. - He'll probably ask me to speak frankly about any problems in the department. - This couldn't get any worse. He's cute. I might ask him out.
000516 -- Um...how was your meeting with my boss? - We each told our favorite stories about you. Then we laughed and laughed. - He has stories about me? He thought they were urban legends.
000517 -- Alice, maybe we shouldn't date. I'm a VP and you're an engineer in my division. - Sheesh. Get over yourself. I'm just using you to drive my boss nuts. - Your indifference arouses me! I will make you mine! VPs
000518 -- I brought you a bouquet, Alice. - That's a bunch of pencils, not a flower bouquet. Really? - May I use your phone? I need to fire my secretary.
000519 -- Performance review You didn't show any initiative this year. - That's your fault for creating an atmosphere of fear and distrust. You, you, you. - Note to self: increase fear.
000520 -- Performance review Do you have any weaknesses that need improvement? - Sometimes I work so fast I become invisible. - If I seem blurry right now, it's because I'm multitasking. Once a year is way too often for this.
000521 -- Can you explain why your project is behind schedule? - Yes, a schedule is an artificial device created without knowledge of the future. - Wild guesses are used as surrogates for knowledge. - Project deadlines are tied to trade show dates
000521 -- instead of reality. - Then management cuts the budget until failure is assured. - I assume you called me here so you can apologize for your role in all this - - Would you like to hear how budgets are created?
000522 -- Your new CEO is the most powerful woman in the high-tech industry. - I recommend exploiting  her fame in your advertisements. - Why do I have to be the one to suggest this? CEOs love this sort of thing.
000523 -- My consultant thinks you should be featured in our ad campaign. - Is that because I'm your new CEO and the most powerful woman in our industry? - Um...yes, that's why. Remember to ask about tan lines.
000524 -- CEO as spokesperson Shouldn't I hold up our product instead of leaning on a chair? - NO! - That helped your hair but you're still dressed like a nun.
000525 -- CEO as spokesperson What does this pose have to do with our product? - I'll use blue screen technology to add important elements later. - My blouse is blue. Five minutes.
000526 -- At ten you'll be firing Ted. I'll organize his goodbye party. - Do you know what would be more efficient? - What happens after we yell "surprise"?
000527 -- We know these random drug tests are unpleasant for employees. - That's why we offer free cashews. - Suddenly I thought about Charlie Brown but I don't know why.
000528 -- Pssst - Yes? Come in and shut the door. - I bought a fake video surveillance camera. - Install it in the break room tonight. - It's cheaper than a real camera and it will discourage thefts. - If you treat employees like criminals, they'll
000528 -- leave. - Good point. You'd better hide the camera so no one knows it's there. - Trash
000529 -- My socks use an antimicrobial polymer to bond chlorine atoms to cotton. - I can wear these babies for days before they start to stink. - What was that other pick-up line we talked about? It was "Hi."
000530 -- My patent for no-click shopping was granted. - I'm sure some whiners will say it's an obvious idea. - You'd better click something or I have to ship you some books.
000531 -- I'm documenting everything you do so I can easily fire you someday. - - Maybe you could call me if you do anything. Leave it here and I'll fill it out for you.
000601 -- The five hundred dollar morale improvement award goes to Ed. - GAA!! IT'S ONLY $240 AFTER TAXES!!! - So that's what good morale looks like. Apparently we've had it the whole time.
000602 -- Ming, everyone says our Web site is ugly. - Really? Every person on earth said that? Even Tibetan monks? - Maybe it was just one person. And you confused him with the entire planet?
000603 -- If I could turn invisible, I wouldn't need to make decisions. - Invisible...invisible...you can't see me. - I guess we're done. Run silent.
000604 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director Wally, our auditors found 40 Gigabits of bikini pictures on your PC. - That is grounds for dismissal. How do you plead? - Innocent. Technically, they didn't find any pictures. - What they found were zeroes and ones
000604 -- resting harmlessly on magnetic media. - It was the auditors themselves who activated those harmless bits to form pictures on the screen! - I demand that those godless auditors be fired! - And if it's not too much trouble, I'd like to have my
000604 -- zeroes and ones back. Was justice served? It's a grey area.
000605 -- I am Mordac, the preventer of information services! I am Web mistress Ming! - Your firewall is inadequate. You must be punished! Your HTML is weak! You must be punished. - I must have you! Talk Cobol to me, baby.
000606 -- Ming, I'm moving your Web mistress function to I.S. You'll report to Mordac. - NO-O-O-O-O - We can still date but I feel obliged to hate your guts now. It works for me.
000607 -- Dearest Ming, my love for you is boundless. Mordac. - P.S. If you don't stop putting food garbage in the recycling bin you will be terminated. - Never date your boss. Okay.
000608 -- Hi, I'm Edfred, the two-faced employee. - If you tell you boss his new plan is stupid I'll back you up. Really? - I don't like the looks of this.
000609 -- I disagree with Dilbert. The boss's plan is brilliant. - Your other face agreed with me two minutes ago! What other face? - No...I still just see the one.
000610 -- I've decided to manage like a sadistic game show host. - Because it would be insane if I kept doing what didn't work. - Would you rather have a performance review or be pecked to death by trained birds?
000611 -- I cut you budget in half. - How can I do a technology installation without an adequate budget?! - Try being unethical with our vendors. - What= It's easy. - Tell them we might make a huge purchase later... - ...if they give us a bunch of free
000611 -- stuff now. - If it makes you feel better, wait until *they* lie first. - And there are no hidden costs. Um...we might make a huge purchase later.
000612 -- Dogbert Consults All of your employees are ignorant. - I can fix that by selling you intranet collaboration tools. - But if they're sharing their ignorance... sign it sign it sign it
000613 -- Who wants to share knowledge with me via our new intranet collaboration software? - You don't have any knowledge to share. Ouch. It hurts because it's true. - I'm hoarding my knowledge in case I ever need it.
000614 -- Dogbert Consults No one uses the intranet collaboration software you sold us. - Your employees are defective. I recommend cat scans. - This one is defective too. Next in line!
000615 -- My accomplishment this week was scheduling fifty people to discuss the bug in our product. - I fixed the bug this morning. - And thanks for not inviting me to the meeting.
000616 -- Our server named "Pointy" is overloaded. - So we're moving some of the load to "Haired" and "Idiot." But we still need a new server. - He signed the purchase order for "Clueless".
000617 -- Uh-oh...suddenly this meeting and all the strange words make sense. - POW!! - It's your turn to buy the card.
000618 -- Welcome to workplace violence prevention training. - How can we identify potentially violent employees? - Ooh! Ooh! - Wally? - Do they have beards? - Um...no. That was a stupid answer. - Violent employees are usually creepy, ineffective males
000618 -- who are widely disrespected. - May I change seats?
000619 -- Ming, our Web site needs a FAQ section. - I find your suggestion ignorant and without merit. Away with you. - So...are you doing anything this weekend? GAAA!!
000620 -- Help me understand the male brain, Dilbert. - I treat you like dirt and you ask me out on a date? - Good personalities are overrated. You're getting me all hot over here.
000621 -- Frankly, I'm insulted that you asked me out. - It means you think we're about the same level of attractiveness. - You'd better have a heckuva sexy car. It's electric.
000622 -- I don't like to talk on dates. Do you mind if I hum? - That's okay. I'll pretend you're the radio. Hmm mm-mm mm-m-m mmmm I need a new radio.
000623 -- Do you mind if I chatter about people you don't know? No. - Do you mind if I gawk at every woman who walks by? Yes. - In fact, I would appreciate it if you displayed no male traits whatsoever. Can do.
000624 -- Yeah, I'm having the worst date ever. I'll check. - What's that on the ground? It looks interesting. Not so good.
000625 -- I'm grossly underpaid. I want a raise. - Oh, Dilbert, Dilbert, Dilbert. - What? What? What? - People don't work here for the money. - They work here for the challenge! - If challenges are more valuable than money... - Why don't you give me your
000625 -- money and I'll give you my challenges? - Well? I must kill him before he infects the others.
000626 -- ...and that's the plan. YIPIEE! WOOHA!! - I'm very inspiring lately. - How did people survive meetings before these things? Webvan split!
000627 -- You've got to work eighteen hours a day to compete in this industry! - Let's just *say* we work eighteen hours a day. Maybe our competitors will die trying to match us. - Would that work? It almost worked on us.
000628 -- Ratbert is our new company concierge. - I will perform any errand, no matter how personal or degrading it is. - I need a loofah. Lather me up!
000629 -- Ratbert the concierge I'd like a date with a woman who thinks I'm hot. - Remember, you promised you would do any errand for employees. - Tell me again how hot I am.
000630 -- Company concierge I don't have time for my doctor appointment. - Go in my place and tell him you're having trouble sleeping at your desk. - And don't let him sweet-talk you about diet and exercise. I want pills!
000701 -- Company concierge I need an alibi. - The police will try to beat truth out of you, but don't let them break you! - I also need lye... and a barrel... better yet, make that two barrels.
000702 -- We had fifteen system failures with the previous software. - Your data aren't actionable. - What? - Your presentation has no practical value. - Well, if that's suddenly a crime then call me guilty! - Now the meeting feels awkward. Can we go
000702 -- back to acting interested? I guess. - Fine. Let's put this ugly incident behind us. - And if you multiply the digits you get five.
000703 -- Dilbert, you'll be working with Lulu. She's almost normal. - But she has no sense of proportion for problems. - Did you notice that he looked at you funny? WHAT?!
000704 -- THE ADVENTURES OF LULU the woman who has no sense of proportion - GAAA! DOES THIS MEAN YOU HATE ME?!! - It's called an assignment. This is war!
000705 -- Come help me on this assignment. It's a huge crisis! - Lulu, do you ever wonder why your life is a series of crises? - I assume god is softening me up before smitting me. Excuse me while I put on my static guard.
000706 -- My project was in a death spiral. - I leapt into action and reorganized my filing system. - Did that help? My stress is gone!
000707 -- The employee of the month is Lulu. - Lulu overcame long odds to win this award. I.e., her name was randomly picked. - I'd protest but I don't want to taint my victory of last month.
000708 -- Lulu, you've stalled my project for long enough. I want your input... - NOW!! - I found out my jaw unhinges when I'm mad. You frighten my hoagie.
000709 -- My software will create human simulations from DNA samples. - What's the market application? - Well...there are many various applications. Name one. - Well...someday the entire human genome will be mapped and decoded. - You could take a hair
000709 -- sample from a woman who refuses to date you... - and create a software simulation of her to keep in your computer watch. - You could have one button to feed her and one button to punish her. - I'd buy it. Can you add a button?
000710 -- Write a performance evaluation for yourself. - Shoot for about a 3% raise...because that's what you're getting. - Dilbert's inventions will earn a billion dollars. But we think he steals almost as much.
000711 -- Dogbert Consults Here's a free sample of my work. - So company "A" was managed by idiots with no Web strategy. - What would you recommend for my company? First, change its name to "A".
000712 -- Dogbert Consults I saved some money by buying a used consulting report. - We're going to give the exclusive rights for something called DOS to something called Microsoft. - I have a good feeling about this.
000713 -- Dogbert Consults I golf with your CEO. - For a million dollars I can accidentally bean him with a golf ball. - He always wears a helmet. Not in the clubhouse.
000714 -- This week I was rendered useless by the stress of bad management. - That's something we only say in the cafeteria. - You're doing a terrific job! Try to find a middle range.
000715 -- I got the stress everyone talks about. What should I do? - Try using it as an excuse for not exercising. - So...it's a good thing? It made me the man I am today.
000716 -- This plan is impractical. - My philosophy is that if it isn't hard, it isn't worth doing. - That's easy to say. - So according to your philosophy, you shouldn't have said it. - And it's easy to walk around. Maybe you should hop on one foot. -
000716 -- Or would it be better to recant your absurd philosophy... - ...and bow before my superior reasoning capabilities? - ...
000717 -- I heard that you won't give marketing the information they need. - I respectfully decline the invitation to join your hallucination. - Your system works. Next time try shortening it to "bah".
000718 -- This special T-Shirt is awarded to Ted for all of his achievements. - Next on the agenda... - We're planning some staff cuts.
000719 -- We'll be shutting down our global communications business and de-orbiting our satellites. - Question: wouldn't that create dozens of deadly flame balls speeding toward earth? - That's why we're aiming for cities that have lots of swimming
000719 -- pools.
000720 -- Our investigative reporter has identified the company behind the deadly falling satellites. - WHUMP! - Your plan worked. What plan?
000721 -- I'm tired of getting no respect at work. - I'm going to send my resume to a company that's located in a place I'd never want to live. - I wonder why they don't respect you. That's what I want to know!
000722 -- Have you met the new CIO? No. - I hear he's young. - Hello. - We need to integrate our enterprise resource planning with our existing E-commerce platform. - How if you'll excuse me. Nature calls. - Aaahhh... - Then we'll decentralize the
000723 -- procurement function and...hold on a second. - Gramps, could you do me a huge favor?
000724 -- And we finished ahead of schedule. Question - Are you referring to the original schedule or the eighth revision? - Schedules can change. That would be called a "calendar".
000725 -- Step aside. I'm from I.S. - I didn't ask for any upgrades. That's what they all say until... - It's reformatting my hard drive! That's ten in a row. Maybe it's me.
000726 -- How long has he been under your desk? Three days. - Did you feed him? Just some licorice. - You should never feed the I.S. people. More licorice.
000727 -- Well, I upgraded three things an I accidentally broke three things. - In I.S. terms, I came out ahead. Does my computer work? - No, but if it did, it would be much faster. snap
000728 -- I finished upgrading the sales support network. - Is that why I can't unlock my Lexus?!! - You don't own a Lexus. You only look like a guy down the hall who owns one. I hate that guy.
000729 -- Thanks to you, my computer screen is all fuzzy now! ? - You're always fiddling with something that makes something else stop working. - Don't clean your screen with your handkerchief during flu session. Stop changing the subject.
000730 -- Help me interview a candidate for engineering. - I think he's terrific! Uh-oh - According to your resume, Paul, you invented E-commerce. Wow! - I'm going to hire him right now! Hold on. - Paul, you didn't really invent E-commerce, did you?
000730 -- Well... - Maybe I was...um...part of the team that invented it. - No one invented E-commerce! When can you start? - Why am I here? Maybe Paul can teach you how to invent things.
000731 -- Catbert: evil H.R: director You need my approval for any outside jobs. - Oh, my...I have the sudden realization that you control my entire life. - But you can't control what I *think*!. employee will say "you can't control what I *think*!"
000801 -- I plan to spend the next year adding automatic registration  to our product. - It already has that feature. - Oh.
000802 -- Ted, I'm giving you a promotion in title. Wow! - Now you're the Senior Vice Duke and Imperial Majesty of all Engineering. - Can I have business cards now? No, you're only a vice duke.
000803 -- We're going to start tracking our time spent with internal clients. - I will cleverly send fake bills to other departments to show how helpful we are. - I can't help you. I'm busy with my time sheet.
000804 -- Someone stole my purse. - So I used my Navy Seal training to booby-trap my cubicle. - AAIEE!!! The mail is early today.
000805 -- Alice, did you booby-trap your cublicle? - The question is, why are you in my cubicle? - What if I promise to never again borrow your guest chair?
000806 -- Catbert: evil H.R: director Video cameras have been installed in all work areas. - Employees must wear I.D. badges around their necks. - Your Internet and telephone usage will be monitored. - Everyone will undergo mandatory drug testing. -
000806 -- They're not resisting. They're ready for phase two. - Prepare to be permanently marked by hot irons. - Will that hurt? I'll be fine. Thanks for asking. - Wally is about to experience brand awareness.
000807 -- I work harder than you. Why do I get paid a fifth of what you make? - That's because there are many people like you but few people like me. - Maybe that's because the people like me eventually kill the people like you.
000808 -- I should create my own little Internet start-up. - All I need is a business plan. - The V.C. are sick of B to B. The Vietcong are sick of breakfast in bed?
000809 -- I'm not allowed to poach employees if I leave this company. - But there's no law against you asking me for a job...wink wink. - I'M NOT GOING TO WINK ALL DAY, YOU MORON!
000810 -- Have you finished my billion dollar business plan yet? Almost. - I'm up to the part where the S.E.C. investigates you for securities fraud. - I can't decide what the employees will be singing when you get handcuffed.
000811 -- I had planned to hire another engineer. - At the last minute I remembered I could just make you work twice as hard. - Maybe you could nominate me for one of those cost-saving awards.
000812 -- Ted, your ten year service party will be on Tuesday. - I'm having surgery Tuesday. - Maybe you could drop off a casserole on your way.
000813 -- This is Rasputin, our new consultant. - He stopped my paper cut from bleeding. - He has charisma. - I'd like to see a demonstration on Asok. - Ack...can't...breathe... - That's called the evil eye process. Now do Wally. -
000813 -- Ack...can't...breathe... - He never had a chance. Your anti-charisma is string today.
000814 -- I was so motivated by your pep talk yesterday that I came to work ten minutes early! - Wally, we start at eight, not at nine. - That's gonna cost you ten minutes.
000815 -- Our disaster recovery plan goes something like this... - HELP! HELP! - Someday we hope to have a budget.
000816 -- As you can clearly see in slide 397... - GAAAAH! - "Powerpoint" poisoning.
000817 -- Your salary is 115% of the midpoint for your range. Isn't that exciting? - Why don't you say it's 115% below the top of the range which can never be achieved under our system? - No peeking at the supervisor's page.
000818 -- Due to worsening storm conditions, all "non-essential" personnel may go home early. - - This will be the easiest round of layoffs ever.
000819 -- I know our E-Mail addresses are supposed to be our first initial plus our last name. - But could you make an exception? No. - That Brenda Utthead is quite a whiner.
000820 -- A good manager hires people who are smarter than he is. - So...your boss is dumber than you? - And your boss's boss is dumber yet? - According to your theory, our CEO is the dumbest person in the company. - Unless all of you are bad managers. -
000820 -- Truly we are doomed either way. - This concludes the motivational part of the meeting. - I'd give you a high five but I don't like to move.
000821 -- If I hired you, how would you respond to something like this? - I usually ignore chain letters. Let's try another. - Did you finish your in basket? No, I'll need a few more applicants.
000822 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director Employees waste too much time at funerals. - On a related note, our heating costs are too high. - As a matter of fact, I *would* mind being cremated in the company furnace.
000823 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director We increased the complexity of your pay slip. - NOW YOU'LL NEVER KNOW WHEN WE RIP YOU OFF! YEEHA! YEEHA! - The only part that really bugs me is the yeehas.
000824 -- Would it be okay if I worked part times? That depends. - Would you be willing to come in on your days off to finish urgent projects? Yes. - So, basically you negotiated a fifty percent pay cut?
000825 -- I'm sittin' in a box and checkin' my stocks. - I must use all my willpower to resist checking every ten seconds. - I'm sittin' in a box and checkin' my stocks.
000826 -- Our new corporate slogan is... - "The power of the Internet lies in converging the future with the here and now." - Goose-bumps? Psoriasis.
000827 -- So they replaced our computers and never trained us. - I told them we needed a training class but they ignored my requests. - So our computers sit there unused while we do our work the slow way. - Why don't you read the computer manual? - I
000827 -- don't have time for that! - But you have time for a class? It doesn't add up. - I'm cold. - You should try wearing a coat. They're terrific.
000828 -- I now offer self-service consulting. - Write down your strategy and I'll send you massive bills. - Do you have a card? I was hoping you'd print some for me.
000829 -- Self-service consulting I was hired because you're all dumber than a crate of anvils. - Now, can anyone tell me if your operations are centralized or decentralized? - Ooh! Ooh! I just thought of a strategy!
000830 -- I'm going to follow Tom Peter's advice and become my own brand. - The phrase you're least likely to hear is, "I gotta get me some of that." - Day one: not so good.
000831 -- Step away from that network server! I'm certified! - I SUMMON THE VAST POWER OF CERTIFICATION! - Well, this is embarrassing: that's all I remember from the classes.
000901 -- Ha ha! You never should have let me get a technical certification. - I used my new power to get a better job at a different company. - Tell me again why I hired you?
000902 -- As a manager, it's my job to reduce the turnover of our most valuable employees... - ...and to increase turnover of our least valuable employees. - Ow! For the jillionth time, who keeps kicking me?
000903 -- Is it okay if I take naps during the day? - Or would you prefer that I make important decisions while groggy and delusional? - Either way is okay with me. It's your call. - He looks funny all purple. - Must...stay...awake.
000903 -- Make...important...decisions. - Must replace optical switches with dancing lemurs. - GAAA! FRENCH PEOPLE ARE TOUCHING ME WITH CIGARETTES! - I hope that's how engineers design missile defense networks.
000904 -- Your resume says you're a multi-celled life form. - That's exactly what we're looking for! - I'm trying to shake hands. If you feel harassed in any way just let out a yelp.
000905 -- Dilbert, meet the new guy. You hired a giant amoeba? - You can't go around judging people by their looks. - Would you mind... Training him? Keeping him moist?
000906 -- So, I hear you're a single-cell organism. - What's up with that? - The new guy is rolling into a ball and shedding water. Been there.
000907 -- This isn't working out. I have to let you go. - Maybe you can get your old job back at Farworks. - Great. Now he's going to secrete.
000908 -- Today I will know the joy of uninterrupted productivity. - We're forming a posse to find out who leaves crumbs in the sink. - I assume it's you. - We need more black sheep around here.
000909 -- Work is for losers. - A winner says, "that's on my list" and never commits to a deadline. - Wouldn't people respect me less? I don't see how.
000910 -- I mapped your genome, Wally. - I didn't know the human resources department had that technology. - I used a pencil. - Your genes predict that you will be a bitter, lazy, Caucasian guy with hairs and poor vision. - You'll hate cubicles,
000910 -- measurable objectives, and cats who map your genome. - This is a violation of my right to privacy! I'll fight it all the way to the supreme court! - No, according to my map, you'll lose interest and fall asleep. - I wonder if this technology
000910 -- will ever fall into the wrong hands. zzzzz
000911 -- Now sign this and this and this. - This is a murder confession. It's for the file. - Someday I'm going to take a good look at that file.
000912 -- I hid the emergency flashlights so no one can play with them. - Who plays with flashlights? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. - The short Jedi will die first.
000913 -- Send ooh! - I get a tiny feeling of self-worth when I send E-Mail to my boss. - Looks like someone has an E-Mail monkey on his back. I can quit whenever I want!
000914 -- I have an E-Mail monkey on my back, but I can quit whenever I want. - I don't need to check it every minute. I can resist. - But look! The stupid monkey hit my keyboard with his foot!
000915 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director Asok, you have a bad case of E-Mail monkey-on-the-back. - The only cure is to deactivate your Internet connection. - No problem. Heh, heh. heh heh I know you have a Palm VII strapped to your ankle.
000916 -- I used to have an E-Mail monkey on my back, but I went cold turkey. - I still do little chatting but that's not addictive. Is it? - I'm Rofl. Oh, just shut up and hop on.
000917 -- I decided to become a business manager for celebrities. Why? - Because banks have locks. - Everything you own has been put in my name..for...um..tax purposes. - You're such a good friend. How can I ever repay you? - You can sign this. It gives
000917 -- me the rights to your life story. - In the unlikely event that someone steals your fortune and you become a pathetic drug addict... - ...I can sell your story to the "biography" channel. - They start filming on Thursday.
000918 -- From now on, this is going to be a fun organization. - When are you leaving? - I had no idea that a rubber chicken could hurt so much.
000919 -- What the work-at-home person says Don't disturb me unless the house is on fire. - What the rest of the family hears I am your servant. My specialty is killing spiders. - What the spiders hear The house is full of wounded flies.
000920 -- The marketing guys are stalling. You need to escalate. - Must escalate. - I'll never understand how this helps. Sale
000921 -- Can you test the software today? No, I'm making major changes Tuesday. - You could test the current version. - I wish people wouldn't slap their foreheads and say "aye-yi-yi-yi" everytime I talk.
000922 -- This to-do list will make me more efficient. - I have three fake emergencies, two doomed projects, four unnecessary meetings... - I figured out why you never ask me how my day went. Off you go.
000923 -- Speed is the key to success. - Is it okay to do things wrong if we're really, really fast? - Um...no. Now I'm all confused, thank you very much.
000924 -- Halt! - You moved your computer without approval from the Central Cubicle Committee. - I was simply adjusting the angle gasp - Fool! It will cost $200 for a team of technicians to move it back! - It's better this way so my plant won't fall off.
000924 -- - WE HAVE GUIDELINES!! - I know. I stapled them to my wall. - You'd be surprised at what isn't allowed.
000925 -- Dogbert consults Here's my report full of obvious generalities. - My fee is $90,000. What are you recommending? - I recommend telling everyone it was free.
000926 -- Dogbert consults You can revive the entrepreneurial spirit by reminding people of the early years. - Your founders were two bums who began in a cardboard box. - One bum misdialed his bookie and accidentally bought Cisco stock at the IPO.
000927 -- This needs your approval. - The company will save forty million dollars but you'll be ten thousand over budget. - And before you ask, no it won't work the other way around. Whose side are you on?
000928 -- I'm sure your boss will increase the budget if you show him my plan. - I just asked him for something else. I can't keep asking him for resources! - So...you think that doing your job is a sign of weakness? Look what it did to you.
000929 -- Ted, there's a huge demand for employees like you. - But not you specifically. ...which is funny if you think about it. - Hey, if you can't laugh at yourself, who can you laugh at?
000930 -- My stock options are worth a fortune now, you miserable bag of crud! - Oh, look, they're back down to worthless. - Try telling him that bags of crud are highly valued in some societies. Shut up.
001001 -- Wally, what's the status of our vital records protection plan? ? - Think fast. - I...uh...did extensive interviews with key shareholders. - Then I...uh...formed a plan... - Now all the records are digitized and stored with 512 bit encryption...
001001 -- - ...at the center of the earth...on natural magnets. - I meant you should read the project team's status report. - They claim to have a plan. Liars.
001002 -- The evil h.r. director What evil do you bring me, union steward stuart? - Employees should not be allowed to move company computers. That's union work. That's old evil. - It's new we include PDAs and laptops. - I like the cut of your giblets.
001003 -- Our new office building will be an architectural masterpiece! - The voices in my head are shouting "no storage space! no storage space!" - WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME? It's called experience.
001004 -- Dogbert consults You need to reorganize by customer type. - One division would focus on selling to feeble-minded people. - Are you gesturing at me because I would work in that division? What's your second guess?
001005 -- My philosophy is: measure twice... - then cut twice, then uh... - Give the tape measure a bad performance review? Hee hee! Ooh.
001006 -- Your office is too far from the executive offices. It is? - They are actively forgetting your name even as we speak. It's going...going...GONE! - Carol, we have to move my office! Have we met?
001007 -- Performance Review Lastly, what have you done to improve the morale of your co-workers? - I didn't give them the beatings they so richly deserved. - I'll shorten that to "team player"?
001008 -- The Inspirational CEO Our Company is too good to have results this poor. - Question. - %#!* Engineers. What? - Are you saying the laws of cause and effect do not apply? - Logically, if we were good, we would generate good results. - Is it not
001008 -- more likely that we are pathetic losers who get exactly what we deserve? - Yes, individually you're all losers. But together we're a great company. Thanks to my leadership. - I feel like squirming but I don't have the energy.
001009 -- We can't pay you this week because your position code is misaligned with your module. - Worse yet, no one knows what that means or whose responsibility it is to fix it. - Who told you about the problem? It was an anonymous note with
001009 -- disappearing ink.
001010 -- I'm trying to find someone who can help me with a payroll problem. - You're close. I'm the guy who forwards your call to the wrong person. - I'd like to speak with your supervisor. I'll forward your call.
001011 -- Helen, I'm transferring you to the temporary zombie division. - You will be with other people who are planning weddings, raising babies and divorcing. - She took my dog. All good places are booked.
001012 -- Do you want a stock tip? - Are you asking me to believe you're a loser at every aspect of life except picking stock? - That's not what I'm asking. It's implied.
001013 -- Here's the new guy. I don't know his name. - He's either rude or shy. No one knows for sure. - If you figure it out, name him either Shilo or Rudy.
001014 -- Why don't you have a little coffee with your sugar, Alice? - Heh, heh. It's because it's usually the other way around. - I don't see how something can be funny 300 times but not 301 times.
001015 -- How do I get rid of my old computer? - Why don't you give it to a school? - Well, it would take me a week to find someone to take it. - The hard drive is broken and it has no software. - And it would cause a tax accounting nightmare. - Maybe
001015 -- you should leave it on the school playground at night. - That's what I did with my old refrigerator. - What I hate most is that I didn't have a better idea.
001016 -- I just met with with the birdabon society. I had to promise we won't hurt any birds. - Our caterer served chicken sandwiches for lunch. - I pretended to give mine CPR but I was really eating it.
001017 -- Did Dilbert do something terrible or am I hallucinating? - I'd better play it safe and punish him in ways that are ambiguous and untraceable. - I had to change your network password to "die-dilbert-die" and I can't say why.
001018 -- You need "Dogbert's Dysfunctional Employee Recruitment Services." - I only recruit employees who were raised in dysfunctional families. They don't mind being mistreated! - How soon can you get me some? I have a dozen in the trunk of my car.
001019 -- I understand that you were raised in a dysfunctional family. Yes - YOU'RE GONNA WORK SEVENTY HOURS A WEEK OR YOU'RE WORTHLESS!! - You love me. Are there any more like you at home?
001020 -- You're working me too hard! I want to get home in time to kiss my daughter goodnight! - And I'm the only one who feels this way. - I've seen your daughter and I'm fairly certain you're the only one.
001021 -- Catbert: Evil H.R. Director You think you're satisfied with your job. - IN REALITY YOU'RE JUST AFRAID OF CHANGE! - That was some of my best work. purrr purrr
001022 -- Sometimes a manager must deliver bad news. - Luckily I enjoy it. - Our sales force failed to meet their goals. - So I have to fire an engineer to reduce expenses. What? - You should fire the incompetent sales people! - It's immoral to punish
001022 -- innocent engineers for the sins of people! I will fight this all the way! - I'm firing Ted, not you. - Fair enough. Can you wait until I borrow his hole puncher.
001023 -- What the...? - You still work here? -  That's gonna take a bite out of my productivity.
001024 -- Your personal use of the Internet is like stealing from the company! - You work for human resources; that's like stealing from the company, too. - Maybe we should form a gang.
001025 -- Our records show that you used the Internet for personal reasons. You're fired. - Please, I merely ordered groceries online so that I might have more time for working. - My motto is, you can't spell "who cares?" without h.r. It's evil, but it's
001025 -- true.
001026 -- I...must...resist...using...the Internet for personal reasons. - Gaa! There's a whole world of knowledge and entertainment at my fingertips...teasing me! - Ice cream! I'm so hungry! No eating in your cubicle.
001027 -- I fired everyone who used the Internet for personal stuff. - The only wrinkle in that policy is that you and I are the only employees left. - And frankly, I use the Web for personal stuff too. Can you teach me how?
001028 -- And what's your reason for leaving your previous job? - You fired me yesterday for non-business use of the Internet. - Crime doesn't pay. Wait until you hear my minimum acceptable salary.
001029 -- Thank you. Have a nice day. - She's flirting with me. - Um...would you like to go out with me on Saturday? - I wasn't flirting. This is my phony customer service smile. - Employees are required to smile. - Okay, but *now* you're flirting,
001029 -- aren't you? No, still phony. - Wally has to see this. - Hey, it looks like she's flirting with me! Is this great or what?
001030 -- My son is flunking all his classes. I'm hoping he can get a job involving computers. - Carrying them? - People don't like it when you fill in the blanks in their stories.
001031 -- Ted, your thirty-day dance of death begins today. - You must find a new job within the company during that time. - Is the spray-paint absolutely necessary? That's an "L."
001101 -- I need a new job within the company before the window shuts. - Catbert is already up to "O." Next week he gets an "S." - He wouldn't say but it starts with an "L."
001102 -- Catbert says I have to get a new job within the company. - Could you find it within your heart... I'll check. - Nope. No jobs in there.
001103 -- Today is my last day. I'm saying my farewells. - We've never talked, but I was working my way down the row and here you are. - So...let's stay in touch. Don't be a stranger.
001104 -- I've always been an incurable romantic. - Do you mind if I take off my shoe? I've got some sort of fungus that needs air. - I'M CURED! I like to scratch it on the table leg. Oops. Is that you?
001105 -- Am I fired? - Of course not, Ted. I enjoy e-mailed jokes as much as anyone. - I'm still laughing about your "Top Ten Signs that Your Boss is a Hairless Rodent". - I asked you here to discuss the reclassification of your job. - Starting today,
001105 -- the job required a PhD. Feel free to apply for your own job. - Whew! Luckily I have a PhD. - You do? Well, the job also requires an Olympia gold medal. - Synchronized swimming, 1992. And a post-humous congressional medal of honor.
001106 -- This sign is my passport to cubicle tranquility. DO not Disturb - I wonder why no one ever thought of it before. - Nice sign. Does it keep away the undesirables?
001107 -- You should put an "E-" in front of your title. - It's too boring just being the director of information, operations and technology. - From now on, call me the E-diot. If only there were an easy way to remember that.
001108 -- You can compensate for your lack of knowledge by talking too much. - And don't be limited by society's expectation that you be interesting. - Sometimes I like to sit quietly and think up ideas. Nothing good can come from that.
001109 -- I'm learning to golf. - Now I won't be excluded from all the male-dominated golf events. - Have you been dominating golf events? Sometimes I can make them miss putts on TV.
001110 -- Thanks, hun. HON?! - YOU SEXIST %!*%! I WILL BURN YOUR VILLAGE AND MAKE SLAVES OF YOUR CHILDREN! - It's short for Attila the Hun. Everyone calls you that. That seems harsh.
001111 -- I declare next Friday to be "Hawaiian Shirt Day." - Hey, you're disguising punishments as perks! - They're on us. Did you try the fake smile?
001112 -- I signed you up for a trip to the south pole. - Um...why? - You'll love it. You leave tomorrow. - I AN *NOT* GOING TO THE SOUTH POLE! - Oh, I get it, you're a control freak. - GAAA! CAN'T YOU SEE IT'S *YOU* WHO IS TRYING TO CONTROL *ME*?!! -
001112 -- All I see is you trying to manipulate me into not sending you to the south pole. - It seemed easier.
001113 -- We have a gigantic database full of customer behavior information. - Excellent. We can use non-linear math and data mining technology to optimize our retail channels! - If that's the same thing as spam, we're having a good meeting here.
001114 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director What's the most evil way to use our database of customer information? - Should we sell our mailing lists, spam without mercy, or just blackmail customers? - Um...do you have *me* in that database? We know all about
001114 -- your clumping problems.
001115 -- The Dogbert Temp Agency uses genetic engineering to grow our own workers. - Isn't that dangerous? I wear safety goggles. - I'm the new temp. Um...I'm Alice.
001116 -- It's a pleasure to meet you, Alice. - - Ooowee! That was a good hand shake.
001117 -- I'm from the Dogbert Temp Agency. Do you need a hand? - I get it. Hee hee! Get what? - Then I said, "Don't get mad; try counting to fifteen." Ouch.
001118 -- These copies you made for me are blank. - That's because all the originals were blank. - Maybe you could have checked the other sides. Talk to the hand.
001119 -- I'm writing a business book called "Change happens. Get over it." - The title says it all. Yeah. It needs filler. - How about a parable? Good idea. - Two bulls were talking. - One bull says, "I'm afraid of change." - The other bull says, "Get
001119 -- over it." - Later that day they were both ground into hamburgers and served a picnic. - The hard part will be finding someone to write the foreword.
001120 -- All music on the Internet should be free. Artists could make money from tips. - Great idea. We'll do the same thing here with the engineers. - Have you ever noticed that my ideas are only brilliant when applied to other people?
001121 -- My name is Wally and I'll be your engineer. - Our special today is incomprehensible mumbling in an acronym sauce with a snide of attitude. - I'll just have a technical review. Do you want sarcasm with that?
001122 -- I hate working for tips. No, I ordered the R.F.P. - Maybe you were THINKING R.F.P. but you SAID spec binder, you arrogant cow! - With any luck, she'll say, "You had me at cow."
001123 -- How much did you make in tips today? - Three breath mints and one death thread scrawled on a napkin. - I hope I don't forget which breath mint came from the napkin guy.
001124 -- Dilbert, my man, you're stayin' real and keepin' to the core. - Is that good? I don't even know what it means. - Why do you say things that have no meaning? DU-U-U-DE!
001125 -- I used not to care about my subordinates. - But that's all changed. - Now I delegate the not-caring function to what's-her-face over here.
001126 -- My analysis shows that your pet project isn't feasible. - Try working the numbers. - That wouldn't change the underlying reality. - What if we massaged the numbers? - Massaging the numbers means the same thing as working the numbers. - You
001126 -- can't make the impossible possible by hallucinating new numbers. - Do you have any other ideas? - That depends what the phrase "fiddle with the numbers" means.
001127 -- Wally, we can't find our CPR dummy. I need your help. - Finding it? - Yes, assuming you can do that while lying on your back with your mouth open.
001128 -- The company will be holding mandatory CPR training for all employees. GAA!! - I am surrounded by pear-shaped, beef-eating, middle-aged men who I prefer not to touch. - Uh-oh...I hope that's just stress.
001129 -- Asok is down. Does anyone know CPR? - Is CPR the one where we take his kidney and leave him in a tub of ice? - Um...I don't think so. We'd better strip him and shave him just in case.
001130 -- Okay, we have one vote for using CPR, one vote for the Heimlich maneuver... - and two votes for sneaking up behind him and yelling "Boo." - I don't see how we can get behind him. What if we drill a hole from below?
001201 -- I'll see if the guys in marketing know first aid. - Really? I picked that intern in our engineering dead pool! - Apparently our team.building potluck lunch didn't take.
001202 -- I'm alive! - Which one of you angels administered the live-saving CPR? - Speaking of "lifesavers," I could sure use one right now.
001203 -- I'd like to work flex time. - I'll work for five hours before anyone else gets into the office... - Then I'll tale a break for ten hours... - Then I'll work five more hours after the witnesses...er...co-workers go home. - You'll know I'm working
001203 -- hard because my cublicle will be filthy. - But I have to be perfectly honest: there's a down side to this plan. - I would miss your staff meetings that I cherish so much. - I'm having trouble keeping my clever schemes separate from my sarcasm.
001204 -- Jury room Aahh, one sweet week away from my job. - I'll have hours of quiet time to read my new book. - yadda yadda blah blah yadda There's a guy here with a book. blah blah blah yack yack
001205 -- Jury duty What excuse are you planning to use? - I'm happy to serve. It's my civic responsibility. - Insanity, good one.
001206 -- Jury selection Juror eight, do you have any medical problems that would prevent you from serving? - No, I need jury duty. - Would it be fair to say you don't know what you need? Why does everyone ask me that?
001207 -- Jury selection Your honor, it is against my religion to judge others. Only god may judge. - You're excused. - Ooh ooh! I just changed my religion! Jerk.
001208 -- My clients life now rests in your capable hands. ZZZZZZZZZZZZ - Jury deliberations Did anything happen after "please rise"?
001209 -- The jury verdict We find the defendant guilty... - ...of this crime and maybe a few others that didn't come up. - Lastly, do you have any brochures for the witness protection program?
001210 -- And we'll have sub-second response time. - Actually, it's already two seconds and your change will add two more. - Why do you always have to be right? - Just once can't you admit I', right? - Okay, I admit that two plus two equals less than one.
001210 -- I don't mean now, jerk. I mean in general. - Okay. In general, I admit that the rules of physics are optional. - YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG!! You're right. My fault again.
001211 -- We don't have enough engineers to handle all the requests for sales support. - Build an online database to log all the requests. - It might look as if I'm staring at you with a mixture of contempt and disbelief, but I'm actually meditating.
001212 -- Is that what you wanted? I'm not saying. - If I tell you it's good, you'll rub it in my face at your performance review. - I'm sorry. See how you are?
001213 -- Dogbert Consults I've been told to make a succession plan. - The plan should say what to do if I die. I can help. - And if Satan makes you stand in flaming worms up to your nose, try standing on your tiptoes for eternity.
001214 -- The Succession Plan If anything happens to me, Wally will be your leader. - I HAVE A MULTI-VITAMIN! QUICK, TAKE IT! - We're safe for now.  This turns out to be a mixed blessing.
001215 -- Why did you cross-charge your time to my budget? I attended your meeting. - All you did was sit there like a drunken monkey.  I want a refund. Talk to my boss. - ...so it doesn't seem fair. KA-CHING!
001216 -- Are there any questions? - - Do you ever feel alone when you're with people? I try to.
001217 -- Everything is ready. We just need the budget. - You did the funding...didn't you? - I've been very busy. - This project has been your top priority for over a year!!! - You only had one task: get funding. - What have you been doing for the past
001217 -- year?! - I remember attending meetings... - AAYIIIYIIIYIII!! If you need anything, just holler.
001218 -- I worry that casual dress days encourage flirtatious behavior. - I mean, look how adorable I am in my turtleneck sweater. How are the ladies supposed to concentrate? - Do you think I should put warning cones around my cubicle?
001219 -- casual dress day is hurting our productivity. We need to cancel it. - Is it possible that our real problems are caused by irrational management? - NO, I think comfortable pants are the problem. Sounds right.
001220 -- There will be no more casual dress days. - We believe that employees work harder when they are wearing uncomfortable clothing. - I feel all motivated but I can't lift my arms.
001221 -- I'm thinking of adopting an incomprehensible accent so people won't ask me questions. - Um...are you leaving that coffee pot empty right in front of me? - Meeyerna derna furna algnkin buhjoorna.
001222 -- Wally, are you free for lunch? - I need to remind myself how lucky I am that I don't have your laziness or personality or looks. - Would you say I'm kind of a renaissance loser?
001223 -- As you know, I'm the only employee who is not exceeding expectations. - You should punish the others for unscrupulously padding their objectives! Those lying weasles!! - Can I get a whistle-blower award for this?
001224 -- I've been thinking about your birthday, Mom. How sweet. - It seems so inefficient to wrap up your present. - You'll just rip up the wrapping paper an hour later. - So I was thinking of throwing a towel over it instead. - You'd get all of the
001224 -- element of surprise without wasting paper. - Maybe I can use one of your towels so I don't have to lug one from my house. - Of course, dear. I wouldn't want you to lug a big heavy towel just for me. - Good. It's settled. Those aren't for you.
001225 -- I must clear my mind of all thoughts. - At the end of the day We'll be in a market space on a going forward basis. - Om...om...page... I'll come back when you're done practicing being useless.
001226 -- I think he tried to meditate. That's the problem. - You shouldn't mix meditation with management. The mind gets too empty. - What can we do? I plan to rifle through his pockets.
001227 -- He might be faking a coma to avoid work. - The only way to find out is to punch him repeatedly. - Maybe we should get Alice. Do you remember if I'm right- of left-handed?
001228 -- I'll tape a pencil to his hand and use it to sign a raise for me. - That would be so unethical...hiccup May I have ten percent? - That hiccup damaged my moral compass.
001229 -- A manager's brain is like a pump. If it becomes empty you must prime it. - Whatever he learns first will form the foundation for all of his future perceptions. - This guy has been talking smack about you. Unh...
001230 -- I asked for more E-Mail storage space and you deleted all of my files! - You complain when I ignore your requests and you complain when I delete your files. - THOSE AREN'T YOUR ONLY CHOICES!! I can't please everyone.
001231 -- Any advice? - Try to be less like you. - That might work. - Less like me...less like me. - I collect crystals. Uh-oh. - I don't know of any scientific evidence that they can heal. Whew. - But it's my point of view that they do. - When did
001231 -- ignorance become a point of view? - Too much like me.
010101 -- Dilbert, meet Topper. He's amazing. - No matter what you say about yourself, he'll top it. - How are you? I can't go first. It ruins my system.
010102 -- I'm getting a mouse cramp. - I spent seven years chained upside down to an Elbonian prison wall. - At the risk of sounding too competitive, I believe I'm winning this conversation.
010103 -- My project will save the company a million dollars. Mine save twenty million. - My project will take a year to complete. Mine takes a week. - Topper, I have half a mind... I have one percent of a mind.
010104 -- My headache is doozy. Ha! That's nothing. - BAM! BAM! BAM! - Um...you win. I'm just getting started!
010105 -- I created software that makes all copyrighted work on the net available for free! - Wouldn't that destroy all forms of creativity and plunge us into a depression? - Yes...but it is very neat.
010106 -- My plan is to give away our product for free. - We'll only bill customers who ask us to deinstall it. - For once, those reports of consumer decapitations will work in our favor.
010107 -- No known battery technology can handle this load and be this size. - That's not what you wanted to hear. - So your mind will erase what I said... - ...and replace the memory with something totally ridiculous so you can question my motives. -
010107 -- GAAH! The transformation is complete. - How can you say there's no such thing as a battery?! - You're lying to avoid work! I'm going to talk to your boss! - Lately, the only thing keeping me from being a serial killer is my distaste for manual
010107 -- labor. - You're preaching to the choir.
010108 -- Do you have a plan for retaining the best employees? - I whittle at their confidence until they believe no one else would ever hire them. - Doesn't that make them sluggish? Yes, but if they're *all* sluggish, it looks right.
010109 -- Hello, employee, I'm the motivation fairy. - My magic wand will make you enjoy working despite the utter futility. - Knock yourself out. Wally?! Gaa! I thought you were a myth!
010110 -- The Motivation Fairy You will be my greatest challenge. - I'll bet you get paid less than minimum wage and they don't reimburse you for travel. - Wings...so...heavy... So, what kind of career path you got going?
010111 -- The Motivation Fairy If you work hard, you will gain respect of your peers. - If I avoid the stress of hard work, I will outlive my peers. - Hard work can kill me? If you're lucky.
010112 -- The Motivation Fairy It seems like your job isn't very rewarding. Vision getting blurry. - Long hours. No raises. No cubicles. Hair coming out in clumps. - He's good. He's very good.
010113 -- If you work hard, you can achieve great things! - And then you die. - It never pays to mix reality with inspirational speeches.
010114 -- I have the results of the employee personality type preferences. - Remind me again why we're doing this. - Your teamwork will be better when you understand that you have different styles of thinking. - For example, Dilbert prefers to use logic
010114 -- to solve problems. - But Randy relies more heavily on morals and values to solve problems. - That sounds like a fancy way of saying Randy is an idiot. - Oh, yeah? Well, I might be an idiot but you're illogical. - That didn't sound as menacing
010114 -- as I had hoped. It's okay. We understand.
010115 -- I'd like you to meet our ad agency's creative team. - Pete Peters, Robert Roberts, and Holly Hollister. - Witty remark, anyone? I've got nothing.
010116 -- The Ad Agency This cat will say something. - Then this other cat will say, Yeah, right." It's like sarcasm. - HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! This explains so much.
010117 -- The Ad Agency The stick man runs through a tire fire and gets eaten by a giant wolverine. - Will that make people like us? - It's not an exact science.
010118 -- The Ad Agency Is it wise to insult all of these minority groups in our commercial? - What's the worst thing that could happen? - Does our company have to spit on a flag? That's it; you're on my "difficult client" list now.
010119 -- The "Exactly" Man Your idea won't work. No one would by this kind of product. - We already sell ten million of these per year. My idea just makes them better. - EXACTLY!! ?
010120 -- The "Exactly" Man Everything you said in the meeting was wrong. Here's the exact proof. - EXACTLY!! - Okay, I'm not even sure that was a humanoid response.
010121 -- Professional Liar - What kind of lie do you need? It's...it's embarrassing. - Are you a producer who needs a good review for a lousy movie? No. - Are you an author who needs a slobbering quote for the cover of your lousy book? - It's worse than
010121 -- that. Much worse. - Worse? That could only be... Aaack! - FIND SOMEONE ELSE, YOU FILTHY DOT-COM FOUNDER! I HAVE MY LIMITS! - ...and since your firm underwrote our IPO... Would I get to be on TV?
010122 -- Um...Mordac, my new PC arrived without a monitor. - Bah! Only interns with weak memories need monitors! - Please. I am having enough difficulty memorizing my calendar. Did you want any cheese with that whine?
010123 -- I'm going to start up a discount brokerage firm. - I'll offer my lowest commissions to customers who don't mind bad advice and verbal abuse. - Did I mention that I won't be keeping any records? You didn't need to.
010124 -- Discount Brokerage You can only open an account if you meet my stringent requirements. - True or false money evaporates because of photosynthesis. True? - You're in. Don't yell yee-haw!
010125 -- Discount Brokerage I need an estate plan for after I pass away. - Here's a plan: Stay dead. No one likes a Zombie. - What about gifts? Zombies make bad gifts.
010126 -- Discount Brokerage When you open an account, you'll get a free dart board and make money. - If your balance drops below five hundred dollars, we'll order the monkey to kill you. - Well, think about it and get back to me.
010127 -- Discount Brokerage Can you give me free investment advice? Sure - GIVE ME ALL OF YOUR MONEY NOW NOW NOW!! - What if I paid for some advice? It's the same except my ears don't flip up in a threatening manner.
010128 -- We've got to figure out why all our projects fail. - What do all our projects have in common? - It might not be obvious. - But if we're honest with ourselves... - We  can find the source of the problem. Ah-ah-ah- scratch scratch - ACH-ITZ-YOU!!
010128 -- Gesundheit - So, does anyone know what the problem is? - I've noticed that Dilbert doesn't work as hard as I think he should.
010129 -- Your stock will rise if a stock analyst says good things about your company. - How is that even possible? One word: weasels. - I just found my new pick-and-shovel core holding.
010130 -- Equity Analyst I'll rate your stock a "must buy now" if you give us your investment banking business. - Aren't you supposed to have a Chinese wall between those two businesses? - Am I too early? Use the door, idiot.
010131 -- We outsourced our sales and fulfillment functions to an Elbonian company. - Um...are you sure that's the best way to sell complex technology? - Could you call back? We have a bad string.
010201 -- This is the Elbonian fulfillment service. How may I thwart you? - Grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt - Okay, it wasn't funny the first 300 times either.
010202 -- The results of our customer satisfaction survey are in. - 83% spat at their telephones until they died of dehydration. - We're calling that group "the lucky ones."
010203 -- Hello, is this the sales department? - May you die a thousand deaths by choking on your own bile! - A supervisor may be monitoring this call for quality control. It's good.
010204 -- I'm a reporter for "Dogbert's Technology Magazine." - I'm writing a totally objective review of your newest product. - First question: Will you advertise in my magazine or is your new product a piece of junk? - Um...we'll advertise. - Will it
010204 -- be a multi page ad or is your new product a piece of junk? - It'll be a ten-page ad. - Can you stand on your head for an our or is your new product a piece of junk? - Would you like to subscribe to my magazine? It's ten pages of ads.
010205 -- I hired a creep to help determine our product features. - You need more features. Good work. - When can you have that done? GAAA!!
010206 -- The Feature Creep Is it too late to give our product a low-battery indicator? - I'd have to work night and day for a month! My health would decline and I'd miss all my objectives! - I just realized that other people's problems make me all warm
010206 -- inside.
010207 -- The Feature Creep Being a feature creep is like having a super power. - That's what makes me so sexy. oomp - That oomp sound just bought you a new feature, Missy.
010208 -- You have failed to meet a goal set by our CEO. - Do you mean the impossible goal, the ill-advised one, or the one you didn't tell me about? - I figured out what's wrong with life: it's other people.
010209 -- My flight didn't get in until three this morning. - Would you mind slapping the back of my head until my eyes uncross? - Pour all of your coffee in here and no one gets hurt.
010210 -- My flight took all night but I still came to work on time as usual. - I didn't want to jeopardize the company by missing work. - You're not allowed to park in the lobby. SINCE WHEN?!
010211 -- My nephew wants a job. Interview him and tell me what you think. - Let's see...your work experience is...bowling. - Are you a professional bowler? I only bowled once. - But the balls were heavy. It seemed like work to me. - That experience taught
010211 -- me everything I know. - Unfortunately, I don't remember most of it. - But I remember you're not supposed to bowl in the snack bar. - I recommend having him whacked. - He's your new boss.
010212 -- Our CEO says we are poised for huge growth in earnings. - In an unrelated move, he announced that he will leave the company before any of his stock options vest. - The poor guy will miss all of our growth.
010213 -- Is that work? I can't see what's on the screen. - If he sees me I'll pretend I'm in mid-stride, just passing by. - The small font is working. good. Muscles cramping.
010214 -- Smile, Alice. It won't hurt. - GAAAK!! - I found out I can kill people by looking at them. I wondered why you were smiling.
010215 -- The key to happiness is self-delusion. - Don't think of yourself as an organic pain collector racing towards oblivion. - I've never had that thought...until now. Don't blame me; I said don't.
010216 -- I'm a nature lover. When I fish, I only do catch-and-release. - In other words, you torture fish for fun. - I wonder why everything I do sounds bad when it's put in other words.
010217 -- Good news: the deadline got pushed back a week. - Good news?! I've been working for forty hours straight to finish on time! - I just realized I don't know the difference between good news and bad news.
010218 -- The Call Center Carl. Reduce your average call time or you're history. - beep beep beep beep - WHAT?! - I have a question about your product. - FASTER! FASTER! FASTER! - Um...it's about the interface. Great. Thanks. click - Your average call
010218 -- time is way down. You get a bonus. - Maybe it's a mistake to do this job while I study for the priesthood.
010219 -- What is this strange and beautiful feeling inside of me?! - Waves of ecstasy are pulsing through my soul. - This is why I only give positive reinforcement once a year. I'm all tingly!
010220 -- I experienced something called positive reinforcement today. - I'm addicted to it now...but it's wearing off...must get more... - Say something nice about me! For a crazy woman you don't drool to much.
010221 -- I'm addicted to positive reinforcement. - I need some deliverables so I can be praised again. - results
010222 -- I inadvertently gave Alice verbal praise. Is she addicted? - She's been lying and stealing to get more. She leaves us no choice. - I have to promote you to management.
010223 -- Hello, Alice. I'm your soul. - You're a manager now, you won't be needing me. - Here's a claim ticket in case you get demoted or learn to play Sax.
010224 -- Alice the Manager How do I cope with the emptiness of having no soul? - Try doing this with your teeth while you dance. - Is there another way? I can teach you to play air guitar.
010225 -- I have an idea! - We'll automate our online tech support. - Our software will analyze incoming E-Mail and send responses based on key words! - That's an excellent plan. I know. - But what about the one percent of our customers who actually get
010225 -- a useful response? - Maybe we could wear ski masks and throw rocks at their houses. - Then we could achieve our goal of 100% customer dissatisfaction! Woo hoo! - Maybe I should work someplace where sarcasm and supportiveness are different
010225 -- things.
010226 -- No one knows the secret location of the management training facility. - If no one knows where it is, how do we get there? - This part can get loud.
010227 -- Management Training What would you do if you made a huge, incredibly stupid mistake? - I would try to learn from it. - Did you learn anything from your answer?
010228 -- Management Training There are two essential rules of management. - One: the customer is always right. - Two: they must be punished for their arrogance!
010301 -- Management Training You twist the ears to unlock the skull. - Find the moral compass and deactivate it. - The result is something called leadership. You're working weekends!
010302 -- Management Training Tim will demonstrate the management cloak of invisibility. - I admit it doesn't seem very special when you know how it's done.
010303 -- How do you like being a manager, Alice? - Do me a favor; sneak into my house tonight and smother me with a pillow. - I think she was kidding. I'll see if she puts up a struggle.
010304 -- Fred, you're an incompetent VP. You're fired. - May I ask for one favor? Sure. I could use a laugh. - Please don't make my resignation announcement terse. - If it's terse, everyone will know I was fired for incompetence. - Does that smile mean
010304 -- you'll do what I ask? - I'm sorry if that was ambiguous.  Let me try again. - I'm still not getting your meaning. - Re: Fred Career dead.
010305 -- Souls I'd like my soul back. Here's my claim ticket. You've been demoted back to non-management. Very well. - Get back in the cubicle. No-o-o-o!!
010306 -- I use my huge bottle of water to avoid work. GLUG GLUG GLUG GLUG GLUG GLUG GLUG - Wally, would you...um...Wally? Uh...Wally... GLUG GLUG GLUG GLUG
010307 -- I'll take this one. No, no, no. Huge mistake. - You need the security and reliability of the XQ-7 - Okay, I'll take the XQ-7 Shoot! I wish my company made that one.
010308 -- Wally, you have to see this vendor. Why? - I think he's telling the truth. NO WAY! - When the focus groups saw this product they were afraid  to eat our sandwiches.
010309 -- The Honest Vendor Five minutes after you buy it you'll want to throw it through a window. - We sell these at a loss but we make it up with our window repair business. - It fell off. - Sometimes the components actually die from shame.
010310 -- The Honest Vendor It wan't nice to meet you. - You didn't buy enough; I'll probably spank my hamster for no reason. - Repeat business is overrated.
010311 -- The master of delegation hears the footsteps of his prey. - Hi GAAA!! - Call this vendor and tell him I want the third thing he told me about. - Okay, that will save two minutes of your valuable time. - When the vendor asks me dozens of
010311 -- questions should I just guess at the answers? - Or would you prefer to spend an hour giving me enough background so you can avoid a two-minute call? - You know what's funny? This conversation lasted a minute...and there are two of us. - Are you
010311 -- done? I think you wrote down your own phone number.
010312 -- Don't be afraid of change. - You're right! I'm going to get a gender change operation and move to China! - I've always wondered what would happen if someone listened to you.
010313 -- I'm a bit suspicious about you calling in sick yesterday on a Monday, Alice. - GLAH! - Luckily I had lots of optional guts.
010314 -- I'm safe from your germs, Alice. You can sneeze all you want. - AHH... -
010315 -- I'm promoting you to president of our dot-com subsidiary. - Your job is to fire everyone. - Would I get a raise? How does a billion shares of stock sound?
010316 -- Dilbert: Dot-Com CEO We have no profit now and we never will. You're all laid off. - Does anyone know what laid off means? It must be a compliment. - You're pretty laid off yourself, dude. Want a hit of this?
010317 -- Dogbert's Tech Support Your mousepad is incompatible with your operating system. - Try rebooting the mousepad. If that doesn't work, I'll call you back. - How will you know? I'll watch you through your monitor.
010318 -- Get approval from marketing. - doom - I REJECT YOUR PATHETIC PLAN - Do you have any interest in knowing what the plan is? doom - Not unless you're proposing to smite my enemies. - I prefer to call them customers. And yes, they'll take it in the
010318 -- shorts. doom - As an added inducement I will give you this cool little cloud of doom. doom - I'm going to staple you to my sales projections. doom
010319 -- We need to reduce staff by twenty. - Here's a list of people you've a-l-m-o-s-t worked to death. - I have another project for you...uh...Ted.
010320 -- I hope she's home. beep boop beep - If you'd like to take me to Paris, press one. If you are inviting me to a lousy movie, press two. - I've got a bad feeling about this. beep
010321 -- I like take-charge men who just say, "c'mon, we're going someplace." - C'mon, we're going to the bowling alley! - That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard. I think I see how this works.
010322 -- You don't give your opinion on anything. Are you spineless? - Maybe you create an environment in which giving an opinion is an invitation to unnecessary pain. - GREAT! YOU'RE MAKING ME CRY IN PUBLIC!!
010323 -- We can't show these numbers to our VP. They make us look like loosers. - Find something we're doing well and give him those numbers instead. - Wow! Our internal subterfuge is up eighty percent!
010324 -- We try to retain our best employees by giving them "golden handcuffs." - The rest of you will experience our other program, the one I call "prickly panties." - Then he gave me a huge bowl of candy. Hey, they cut our dental plan again!
010325 -- Tina, I have to give you a performance review of "poor" because you did no work this year. - NO WORK? - I wrote hundreds of technical documents this year! - I worked seventy hours a week! - I e-mailed every one of the documents to you... -
010325 -- ...with instructions to forward them with your approval to the end users. - That reminds me: I don't know how to open attachments. - Why didn't you tell me you never got my documents? Who are you?
010326 -- Do you have any advice for my job interview? - Try juggling the items on the desk. It will make you seem confident. - Sorry
010327 -- Ratbert, I have good and bad news. - The good news is I'm starting up a power utility company and you're my new VP of operations! - The bad news is that your office is inside a wheel attached to a generator.
010328 -- Bob, I'm starting a power utility company. - You'll be my director of marketing. Your job is to increase revenue. - Normally I'm an herbivore, Billy, but when the lights go off...
010329 -- Buy your electricity from the Dogbert Power Company. - We generate all of our power with the help of California Environmentalists. - These are getting harder to find lately.
010330 -- ...and so you agree that the delays are your fault? yeh. - I WON THE MEETING!! - Only a sore looser would trip someone on his victory lap. He is so-o-o immature.
010331 -- Catbert: Evil H.R. Director ...and I have five years experience as a dot-com president. - You're in luck. We need someone who can burn though twenty million dollars without making a profit. - Really? The last nine interviewers said the same
010331 -- thing but they were joking.
010401 -- Would you like to join me for a hardening? What's that? - A hardening is when an employee is given more work than his central nervous system can handle. - His whole body suddenly goes stiff. I'm in. - I've been ripening Asok all month. purr
010401 -- purr - So much work...no time. - Asok, I have another assignment for you. GAAA!!! - I heard a hardening. Get the apathy cream. - He'll be okay when the apathy sinks in. We forgot the air hole.
010402 -- Why aren't you signed up for the 401K? - I'd never be able to run that far. - I did a 10K wheelchair race once. The guy who pushed me still has whip marks.
010403 -- Which assignment is the highest priority? - Is it the totally worthless one or the other totally worthless one? - I hope I'm empowered to make that decision. Hope is a double-edged sword.
010404 -- They can make me work in a little box, but they can't crush my spirit. - Our ISO9000 coordinator died of boredom. You'll have to do his job plus yours. - And one of the quality assurance guys is looking pale...
010405 -- Wow! I've been selected for the "Who's Incredible" list! - For seventy-five dollars I can buy  a leather-bound book with my name in it! - Ha! And people said I was to gullible to be a success! "Dear Occupant"
010406 -- I'm bringing my copy of "Who's Incredible" to my high school reunion. - If anyone asks how I'm doing, I'll casually open the book and point to my name. - I got rich selling a book called "Who's Incredible" to gullible people.
010407 -- High School Reunion I started with nothing. Now I have my own cubicle. - Say, now that we're both adults, would you like to...you know? Yes. - I've got to be more specific.
010408 -- Did you call me here to punish me? - No, no, Asok. I want you to manage our annual business plan process. - How do I do that? - First, you beg your co-workers for information about their budget needs. - Half of them will give you lies. The
010408 -- other half will ignore you, thus underscoring your unimportance. - Then you'll combine the lies and guesses into a worthless ball of data for senior management. - Then our CEO will make budget decisions based on magazine articles. - How bad was
010408 -- the punishment? Worse than I expected.
010409 -- We've discovered oil in the Elbonian Wildlife Preserve. - Don't worry about the endangered species.  Our drilling will have no impact. - Oops
010410 -- I'm sad to report that our oil drilling has caused the extinction of the Elbonian unicorn. - Save a sample of the animal's DNA so we can clone a new one. - Don't finish that.
010411 -- Our oil wells in the Elbonian Wildlife Preserve have caused the extinction of seven species. - Luckily, they were useless species who did nothing but eat and grunt. - mm...mm...mm...
010412 -- You're ruining the pristine beauty of Elbonia! - This is a picture of pristine Elbonia. - ...and then you said, "it doesn't matter if we see it first." Then I said...
010413 -- Due to a tight labor market and increasingly complicated tasks... - Harder and harder jobs will be staffed with dumber and dumber employees until the logical limit. - This meeting.
010414 -- Your user requirements include four hundred features. - Do you realize that no human would be able to use a product with that level of complexity? - Good point. I'd better add "ease to use" to the list.
010415 -- What is your most valuable asset? - Employees? HEE! - Your most valuable asset is rampant ignorance. - For example, you would never start a project if you knew how much it would really cost. - Employees stay here because they don't know there
010415 -- are better jobs across the street. What? - Customers buy your products because they don't know about all the bugs. Good point. - I recommend wearing trash cans on your heads to avoid any accidental exposure to knowledge. - Did he tell you he
010415 -- was a consultant? He said he was selling trash cans.
010416 -- How about mandatory lunchtime meetings? On the subject of worktime balance! - HIGH FIVE!!! - Uh-oh. He's been high-fiving Catbert again.
010417 -- My cubicle is sucking the life force out of me. - I mean, it always has, but it seems like it's happening faster now. - They noticed. LifeSuck 3000
010418 -- What's the worst thing that could happen? - Our beta product could turn into an evil robot that annihilates the galaxy. - Apparently I don't know what "worst" means.
010419 -- I believe there is one true soul mate for every person. - He must be very busy. I meant one per erson. - Your way would be stupid. Can your soul mate be a monkey?
010420 -- Our company values are trust, integrity and teamwork. - For the first time in my life I feel the warm glow of unconditional love! - You're under a heating vent. Oh...well. That's good too.
010421 -- I must keep in mind our company's core values of trust, integrity and teamwork. - May I borrow your chair? Okay. - What are you selling on E-Bay?
010422 -- Why don't you try using a wireless fiber multipage? - Well, first of all, no such thing exists. - If it did exist, it would surely be the wrong solution for a software bug. - And there's no extra money in our budget for hardware. - yawn It
010422 -- would take six months to write a business case and get funding. - Then our I.T. people would refuse to install it because it's not an approved vendor. - Do you have a better idea? Yes. I just fixed it. - Do you think you can hold the fort while
010422 -- I go coach someone else?
010423 -- Now for the weekly Wally report. - Wally struggled to maintain his morale despite the ninety percent drop in his stock options. - Then he remembered that someone lost much, much more than he did.
010424 -- The key to success is to remain optimistic even when you fail. - What's the point of succeeding if failing feels good? - I'll read another page of that magazine article tomorrow and get back to you.
010425 -- Maybe I can stave off the boredom by imagining my co-workers naked, - AAAGH! NO-O-O-O! - No more donuts for you. Hey, don't even kid about that.
010426 -- I downsized Ted and outsourced his important job functions. - I'd like you to do all of his unimportant job functions. - Why do we do unimportant things? Because we can!
010427 -- It feels like everyone in the world is lying to me. - Congress is lying about the budget, stock analysts are lying about their recommendations, my boss is lying... - This therapy stuff is scientifically proven to work, right? It's 100%
010427 -- effective.
010428 -- Do you have a good job? It depends on what you mean by good. - If you consider the decline of my stock options, I work sixty hours a week for nothing. - Hey, look at the time. My boss thinks I work eighty hours. Hee hee hee!
010429 -- Our industry is in a slump. We need to make changes. - Our current management style could be described as paternal. - Our new management style doesn't have a name yet. - Ooh ooh! I have a suggestion. - The new management style could be called
010429 -- "We hate our employees." - Not bad. - I need a volunteer with our "back to the nineties" kick-off. - How is this like the nineties? Stop wiggling.
010430 -- My next generation Internet project is right on schedule. - It'll be done sometime in the next generation. - If you know any cute single women with low standards, it would really help
010501 -- A happy Dilbert prepares to go home after a long day in the cubicle. - Too late! The six o'clock horror is upon him! GAAA!!! - In your workspace no one can hear you scream. What was that. Just keep walking.
010502 -- A Nigerian banker needs my help getting thirty million dollars out of his country! - All I need to do is give him my bank information by E-Mail and I'll get a ten percent commission! - Dear Gustava, my bank is a tube sock that fell behind the
010502 -- dryer.
010503 -- I think we have snails in the office. - There's a slime trail on everything. - That might be the second sign that I'm addicted to hand lotion HAND LOTION
010504 -- Why are our software expenses higher than marketing's software expenses? - For the same reason that monkeys don't wear watches. - An hour later Does it involve fur in any way?
010505 -- Try rebooting your computer. - - Thanks. I feel much better now.
010506 -- The Too Helpful Guy Dilbert, meet the new guy. - Do you like cheese, Dilbert? Um...yes, I guess so. - I'll send two truckloads of parmesan cheese to your house! - Thanks...but I don't need that much cheese. - Message received! I'll send you
010506 -- some bread and a fondue set too. - Here are two tickets to the "world-o-cheese" exhibition in Wisconsin. - Your new nickname will be "Cheeseboy" to reflect your weird obsession. - Hi, I'm Wally. Wally, do you like leather products?
010507 -- Someone threw a computer off the roof and killed our biggest customer. - We plan to replace him with a lookalike who will continue buying from us. - Hey, that's Willy from the club of people who look exact like me.
010508 -- You'll impersonate our dead customer and make large purchases from us. - I've never done anything like this before. - It's called "work." Am I doing it right?
010509 -- Wally's in jail for impersonating a dead person. - He'll have to use all of his street smarts to survive. - I'll need some temporary tattoos? Which way is the gift shop?
010510 -- Wally's in jail. Can you help get him out? - Tell him to try the door. The guards only pretend to lock them. - But I'd have to say it was the lifers who were the most embarrassed.
010511 -- Wally, now that you have a criminal record, I can't let you work on anything important. - I don't have a criminal record. I gave the police a fake name. - You might notice a change in the quality of your assignments.
010512 -- There aren't enough friendly people to fill our call center jobs. - All we can find are angry people who refuse to put their telephone headset microphones near their mouths. - No, I'm sure the problem is on your end.
010513 -- Carol, your overall performance rating is "good." - Aaag! Good is bad! What did I do to deserve this humiliation. - Well, you gave me six hundred phone messages that said, "It might have been Bob." - You can't tell me that none of them were
010513 -- from a Bob! - You arranged for all of my flights to have connections in war zones. - Excuse me for trying to save the company some money. - You held a press conference to announce that I was the parkside strangler. - And he refuses to take any
010513 -- responsibility for giving me vague objectives.
010514 -- Carol, screen my calls and don't let any salespeople through. - Hello, I'm a huge customer or perhaps a childhood friend of your boss. - Give me some flirting and you're in. Is it hot here or is it just you?
010515 -- Carol, why do you keep putting sales people through to me? - I'm taking bribes to supplement my income. It's a natural extension of empowerment. - I sense some micromanagement brewing.
010516 -- Carol, you can't keep accepting bribes from sales people who want access to me. Bad! - Didn't a vendor recently take you on a golf trip to Vegas? - That is so-o-o different. Let's compare price sheets.
010517 -- Do you feel guilty about taking bribes from vendors? - No. Do you feel guilty getting paid to walk around with a coffee cup? - I need to get a bigger cup so it looks harder.
010518 -- Thanks for taking me to dinner. You're a terrific conversationalist. - With you it's so easy. - I discovered that I can write code in my head while you complain about your job all night.
010519 -- My date complained about her life all night long! - But I complain about just *one* thing and she calls *me* a looser. - Did you complain about her personality? That's *one* thing!
010520 -- This is Jittery Jeff. He needs counseling. - I put him in a cubicle at the end of abusy aisle near a doorway. - Now he's jittery because he thinks people are always looking over his shoulder. - Leave him here. I'll counsel him up. - Relax.
010520 -- Jittery Jeff...it's okay now. - RELAX relax relax relax - AAAGH!! SOMEONE IS BEHIND THE DOOR!! - Counseling is mostly instinct.
010521 -- I'm meeting a vendor for drinks tonight. He says it's the only time he has to answer my questions. - If that works, please let us know. - What do you mean "works"? And who is "us"? It's already working!
010522 -- A vendor invited me for drinks. It's the only time he has to talk about his product. - He's the old bait-lube-and-switch trick. That's how I got my first and third wives. - I don't understand. That's why it's works.
010523 -- This is strictly business, right? We're going to talk about  your company's product. - I'll bet I can chug more Chardonnay than you can. - You're a hanshum man and so ish your twin bruver. BURP
010524 -- I'm dating an unattractive man. What should I do? - Every man is ugly until a woman fixes him up. Think of it as a project. - Next, lose the combover, or at least stay out of the wind. How'd you know about the combover?
010525 -- The Boyfriend Project I'm putting you in turtlenecks and jeans. - You don't like to fish anymore. Now you're training for marathons. - WHAA! WHAA! You can only cry at movies.
010526 -- The Boyfriend Project You're making good progress. - I'm ready to be seen with you in public. But don't do any talking. - ...and that's why I think there should be a Nobel prize for wrestling. I said...
010527 -- ...and that's why I recommend using this vendor. - Why don't we use our internal developers? - Let me explain how this will play out. - Step one: we select an outside vendor because our internal developers are clueless weasels. - Step two: We
010527 -- sign a contract and begin work. - Step three: Our internal weasels complain to our VP and she orders us to use them. - Step four: The outside vendor sues us while our weasels grunt out steaming mounds of worthless code. - Do I plan too much? Is
010527 -- this the conversation we practiced yesterday?
010528 -- Dilbert, I'd like you to meet incredulous Ed. - No matter what question you ask him, he'll react as if you're inventing words. - Do you have a family? Do I have a WHAT??
010529 -- Incredulous Ed Ed, do you have the latest budget numbers? - Budget??? What is a "budget"? and why in the world would I have one? - Because you're the budget manager. Here you go.
010530 -- I found the ultimate tool for the mobile professional. - It's a combination PDA, phone, pager, digital camera, fax, e-mail, laptop and shredder. - It clips right into my belt!
010531 -- Carol, order an extra battery for my mobile technology platform. - Do you want the one that straps to your back or the one with its own wheelbarrow? - I think I just lost a lung.
010601 -- I can't give you a raise because you don't ask enough questions in meetings. - Questions show that you care about your job and have a thirst for knowledge. - Who else likes wood?
010602 -- We should read the set-up instructions. - Alice, a true engineer never reads the set-up instructions. - It says to keep it away from any slurping sounds. GAAA!!
010603 -- I'm sorry, Brian. I need to fire all my consultants to save money. - Who will do your highly technical work? - You can transfer your knowledge to Flossie. Hi. - What's with the hand? Do you want to borrow my pencil? - Um...no. This is an
010603 -- invitation to shake hands. It's a greeting ritual. - OUCH!! BRAIN OVERLOAD!! IT'S TOO MUCH INFORMATION!! - PURGE! PURGE! PURGE! - Where am I? I need to raise my rates.
010604 -- What's the lowest ratio of work-to-gabbing that is still considered "work"? - I'd have to say one-in-eight, maybe one-in-nine. Sounds right. - Does talking about work count as work? Well...I'm not enjoying it.
010605 -- We're cutting back on advertising to boost earnings. - Um...excuse me. I'll be right back. Me too. - We got another mass exodus doorway jam.
010606 -- This will be your new motto... - Dance like it hurts. Love like you need money. - Work when people are watching. - You can't assign mottos to me. You'd better read our contract.
010607 -- Our contract clearly states that I can give you nicknames, mottos and political preferences. - I demand a new contract based on the fact that I didn't read this one before I signed it. - Too bad. Skippy. You're a communist now.
010608 -- Did you look an my travel request? Not yet. - Assume it's approved unless I tell you otherwise. - It's too bad that being useless isn't an Olympic sport.
010609 -- Blah blah blah blah I'm trapped in my own cubicle. - Maybe I can gnaw off my arm to escape. - And that worked? People don't stick around when you gnaw on your arm.
010610 -- Defective Co-Workers Hall of Fame  Parrot Man - Your idea won't work. The components are too close. They will overheat. - Let me explain something to you, Dilbert. - These components will overheat. They are much too close. - The reasons involve
010610 -- heat and something I call "proximity." - GAAA!!! I don't have time to explain all the details. - You take everything I say and explain it back to me like I'm a moron! - Excuse me, but I hear a clicking sound and feel compelled to eat a
010610 -- sunflower seed.
010611 -- I expect everyone to work sixteen hours a day. - It seems like that would make us tired. - Wouldn't that make you tired? I wasn't listening.
010612 -- Leaving at seven? - All of my work is done. Then get some more work. - That would make my life an exercise in futility. Exercise is good for you.
010613 -- It looks like someone is leaving early. - I started at 5 A.M. and I've already worked eighty hours this week. So? - I have a doctor appointment for...female... NO DETAILS! GO GO GO!!!
010614 -- I'm running out of new things to say. - I'll have to start repeating myself just to fill the airtime. - You could let other people talk. So, anyway, I'm running out of new things to say.
010615 -- ...and incrementally develop a time-to-market benchmark framework... spoink - THIS MEETING STOLE TWO HOURS OF MY LIFE!!! - Did that help? Yeah, I'm good for another hour.
010616 -- I designed a product that could fill a gaping hole in the market. - But thanks to the miracle of teamwork it turned into a product with no actual features. - In phase three I fantasized about my co-workers being eaten by squirrels.
010617 -- We found a bug in our software. - It searches your E-Mail address book for your mother's name. - Every Sunday it uses your E-Mail to send her a message... - ...comparing her face with various parts of animals. - Do you have any hard data that
010617 -- proves we should fix the bug? - We can't throw money at every problem. It's your mom. - YOU MISERABLE **%#@!!! - see what I mean? No. I get this call every day. *#%!*
010618 -- I told them you would be at the meeting on Monday morning. - What??? That means I have to travel all day Sunday. You're stealing my life! - Then he said he'd reschedule if I had social plans. Ouch
010619 -- We overbooked. But I can give you the co-pilot's seat if you know how to fly a 747. - Um...yeah, okay. I can fly a 747. - Should I do something? Beats me. I'm a chiropractor.
010620 -- The room costs five dollars per night. - The mini-bar has a a motion detector; you'll be charged three hundred dollars every time you get within eight feet of it. - It's going to be a long night.
010621 -- I'm not a loser who can't get a date. I'm a business traveler. - What's your girl-friend's name? I'll call her and check out your story. - Maybe I should order. Maybe you should.
010622 -- Give me $35 worth of food, including your 15% tip. - If I bring you a penne pasta, will you promise to not build a log cabin on your plate? - I can't promise that. Well then, we have a situation here.
010623 -- DOGBERT! I'M HO-O-OME! - I'll be right there. I have to sign the temp's sheet. - If you're ever interested in a permanent position, give me a call.
010624 -- GAAA! E-Mail is down! - Don't panic...think...how would the ancients handle this? - I've got combustible materials...I can start some sort of fire. - E-Mail is down...hold me. - I'll keep my arms straight out so I don't seem to eager. - This
010624 -- might be the least satisfying hug of my entire life. - E-Mail is working again. - So, do you want to have some coffee? Sure! I'll be doing my E-Mail. Just drop it off.
010625 -- Per marketing request, I did an O.R.D. for the B.G.G. that resulted in a O.R.B. - Then I discovered that marketing uses those acronyms for different things. Their version doesn't require nudity, just to pick one example.
010626 -- I've decided to become a perfectionist. - That way I'll have more reasons to hate people. - Your rock is eroding wrong.
010627 -- We're having a meeting to discuss employee retention. - Tell them that employees quit because there are too many useless meetings. - We won't be getting into reasons at the first meeting.
010628 -- We need to do more with less. - I propose that we work smarter while broadening our focus. - Wally, that doesn't mean anything. Well, excuse my leadership.
010629 -- Carol, I need you to fill in for our receptionist today. - Remember, you will be the face of our company, the first impression for visitors. - If anyone offers you food, don't eat it.
010630 -- Hey, come to this meeting, I need some bodies. - I don't want to be outnumbered by marketing. - Hi. He's on our side.
010701 -- I need your approval to buy a computer. Eh! Eh! - There's a freeze on the capital budget. Only our CEO can approve it. - Could you ask him to... Eh! Eh! - I don't want to be known as the guy who always asks for things. - Maybe you could assemble
010701 -- a computer from components that are each within my approval limit. - What's your approval limit? Ten dollars. - If you need me, I'll be in my cubicle, banging my head against the wall. - This is why I keep them in soft-walled containers. THUD
010701 -- THUD THUD
010702 -- I spend all day writing code for another company while it looks like I'm doing my job here. - Crime pays and it also has an excellent benefits package. - Are you eating my sandwich? I'm saving mine for dinner.
010703 -- Here's my cost estimate. I'll start the job on Monday. - When I say "Monday," I am referring to the service industry's space-time continuum. - I'm not supposed to show you this, but check out our calendar. No Mondays.
010704 -- My invention will let me search the service industry's space-time continuum. - Plumber, roofer, carpenter, electrician. - Weren't you supposed to fix my furnace in 1991? You're my next house.
010705 -- I got the roof off. I'll be back next week to finish. - What if it rains? Then I'll work indoors. - My house will be ruined. I can't control the weather.
010706 -- I hope it doesn't rain until my roof gets shingled. - Why don't you use your personal chaos-driven climate control apparatus to control the rain? - I...uh...don't have one. - You can use mine. Just reset the randomizer when you're done.
010707 -- I'm thinking about growing a unibrow. - - Maybe we should rethink our ban on work-related conversation during lunch. please
010708 -- They must be talking about the layoffs. - I'd like to be a fly on that wall. - POOF! - Great...the one time I get my wish... - Let's focus on our priorities and make rational budget decisions. - HA HA HA HA HA - Back to reality. I'll fire Ted;
010708 -- he creeps me out. Who else do we hate? - Hey, my donut is getting eaten by the world's ugliest fly! bonanza!
010709 -- You're understaffed and overworked. - So I hired a stress counselor and another manager to glare at you. - Relax...deep breaths...there...
010710 -- From now on I'll be managing by exception. - If I don't talk to you for months, assume you're doing a good job. - ...or that your project isn't important...or I don't remember your name.
010711 -- It needs to be so easy that your mother could use it. - My mother isn't a moron. Maybe we could use your mother as the test. - What makes you think my mother is a moron. She fed you.
010712 -- Frankly, the job is a real no-brainer. - Your resume is a blank piece of paper; I like a man who can be brief. - You're ruining my donut experience.
010713 -- I heard a rumor that there might be layoffs on Friday? Is this true? - Absolutely not. No way. Nope. Negatory. No, no, no, no, no. - Great. Can I take off Friday? Monday would be better.
010714 -- Layoff Planning Let's fire all the people who give us the creeps... - ...all the people with excessive nose hair and anyone who insists on being called "doctor." - You've got a five-minute meeting on Friday, Doctor Wolfington.
010715 -- ...and that way we'll save money on each unit we build. - Let's try that idea with our VP. - Wow. Great idea. Who thought of it. - Well, I have to admit... - It's one of my better ideas. - Must...control...fist of death. Sometimes I'll just be
010715 -- standing there... - Gaaa!! And pow! Something hits me. - Thank you. I tried to control it, but I couldn't.
010716 -- My life has no purpose. Scratch my back. - Are you saying the purpose of life is service to others? Okay. - It does make me feel useful. I think we both found something that works.
010717 -- Our lives are pathetic. We do nothing but eat, work and sleep. - Eat, work, sleep...eat, work, sleep...eat, work, sleep. - Great - I just finished lunch and you're making me hungry!
010718 -- If I use the speakerphone it will annoy my co-workers. - Luckily for me, I'm a sociopath. - Two things: You're a bit loud...and you're eating my lunch. It's delicious.
010719 -- PRESS ONE TO HEAR... Why are you using your speakerphone for voice-mail? - I mean, seriously, what is going through that socially defective brain of yours? - Would you like to have dinner? Yeah, why not.
010720 -- The Sociopath Tipping is optional so I never do it. - Um...have you eaten here before? - Here's some bread.
010721 -- You're a total sociopath, Ron. I like that in a man. - OH YES, RIFLE THROUGH MY PURSE! YES! YES! YES! - Call me? Sure. But you'd better wait by the phone; I only ring once.
010722 -- Yesterday I needed to ask Dilbert a question but I couldn't find him. - From now on, each of you must inform Carol of your whereabouts at all times. - I'll be wandering around with my coffee cup. - If I find a newspaper I'll take a break in
010722 -- marketing's luxurious  rest facilities. - Then I'll stop by the cute intern's cubicle to do some flirting. - I stand in her doorway so she can't escape. I think I'm making progress. - I'm becoming immune to pepper spray. - I cancelled your
010722 -- stupid policy.
010723 -- Mony, you're not growing into your job as quickly as I hoped. - So I signed you up for an accelerated evolution program. They pack a million years into a two-day class. - Hurry up! We've already lost the opposable thumbs module; let's not loose
010723 -- fire too.
010724 -- Evolution Training Some of you will not make it through the class. - May I move to a different seat? - Sure...ops. Problem solved. Carl, don't leave that where someone will slip on it.
010725 -- Evolution Training Zoltar is a graduate of this class. He will demonstrate speed evolving. - Unh...errr...hoo...ahh... - I hope you're staring at my new sideburns.
010726 -- By the end of my two-day evolution class I had one surviving student. - He's probably the cockies squirrel I've ever seen. Toward the end he weighed three thousand pounds. - If you asked me who's the unluckiest person in the world, I'd have to
010726 -- say it was the janitor.
010727 -- The company did well so you get a bonus despite the fact that you did no work all year. - I'd fire you but I can't replace you because there's a hiring freeze and I don't want to shrink my empire. - This might be a hand-shaking situation but I
010727 -- don't know where your hand has been. Off you go.
010728 -- I've been trapped in my office for three days! Didn't you hear me scream? - I used my staple remover to claw through the side wall! - Your door is a pull, not a push. Get me bigger staple remover just to be safe.
010729 -- The power supply in our product overheats. - I think they might burst into flames. - I'm no engineer but obviously it could level a whole city. - The military application is obvious. POW!! - How much do they cost? - Does ten million dollars
010729 -- sound too much? - For that kind of money I expect a free hammer! And a consulting job when I retire. - If an uninhabitated atoll doesn't blow up tomorrow you're in big trouble.
010730 -- The Angry Dumb Guy If anyone wants my opinion... - ...I'll beat it out of me! - I want your opinion. Oh yeah? Let's see if I have one!
010731 -- The exit Interview What would you say is your main reason for leaving? - I can't stand working for an unethical weasel. - Yep, personal problems. I'm glad that we collect this helpful data.
010801 -- Carol, order a new chair for me. The old one lost its new chair smell. - Can I have your old chair? My chair doesn't roll anymore. - I'll try to say this tactfully: you're not important enough to sit in my smelly chair.
010802 -- Teamwork is nature's way of identifying the weak. - The strong, such as myself, put all of our energy into perpetuating our genes. - Now this is when you usually try to put a negative spin on everything.
010803 -- Okay...I think we're done here. Lots of work to do. Busy, busy, busy. - I'll talk to you later. Have a nice day. Bye-bye. Thanks. - Looks like someone took root in your cubicle. Bye-bye.
010804 -- We've had a rash of thefts. Be on the lookout for anyone who acts suspicious. - Can we cut this meeting short? The posters in the break room got me all motivated! - THEN WHY ARE THEY THERE?!!
010805 -- Carol, take this list of key employees to Catbert. - I don't see my name on here. Should I write it in? - Um...no. You're not a key employee. - WHAT?! ARE YOU INSANE?!! IF *I'M* NOT KEY, WHO IS? - Do you think this list can walk to the
010805 -- H.R. department on its own? - Well, I could put it in an interoffice envelope and mail it. - Basically, you have the same job as an envelope. - Why do I need to downsize these employees? Because they're fun*key*, just like it says.
010806 -- How can you write reviews of movies you haven't seen? Easily. - "Throw away your Picasso paintings. 'Night of the Living Squirrel' is the only art you'll ever need." - How much is the studio paying you? Dang...too obvious.
010807 -- Hello...yes, I'd like to buy a rave review for my new movie. - Can you afford "suspenseful thrill ride" or would you like something more in the "delightful" price range. - I'm releasing it on New Year's day; can you give me a price for
010807 -- "Best comedy so far this year"?
010808 -- The Clean Desk Award goes to Wally. - Maybe Wally can share some tips on keeping our desks clutter-free. - I usually throw away this sort of thing in the men's room on the way back to the cubicle.
010809 -- Introducing "Morale Money." Now you can earn play money for doing good work. - You can use it at the company store to buy products that have our logo. - The coffee mug costs ten million morale dollars.
010810 -- May I have an ergonomic evaluation of my chair and keyboard? - Asok, work is supposed to hurt. That's how you know you're doing it right. - I can't feel my hands! My whole body is numb!
010811 -- The cure for carpal tunnel is to eat six bananas a day. - That's what I do and I have the hands of a teenager. - Do you have any data to support your medical advice? Does a huge pimple count?
010812 -- You need to give me a decision. - You need to give me more information. - You need to give me funding to do a study to get the information. - You need to give me a business case to justify the funding. - You need to give me relief from my
010812 -- other deadlines so I can work on the funding request. - You need to give me everything to infinity. - I WIN! YES!! - We might be losing our laser-like focus on the customer. On the who?
010813 -- Bob was working for you when he died. The family wants you to say something at his funeral. - I barely knew him. Maybe I can read something from his last performance review. - Bob needs to work on his communication skills...and attendance.
010814 -- Customer Service Find the serial number by pulverizing the case with a hammer. - Are you sure this won't void my warranty? - It's not always about you.
010815 -- I can analyze your employees' handwriting to find out who might steal. - Has handwriting analysis been tested in double-blind scientific studies? - Yes, but the scientists dotted their I's with smiley faces so I know they're liars. Wow!
010816 -- Handwriting Analysis Your handwriting proves that you're a disturbed loner who steals. What? - TAKE THIS THIEF AWAY! - Is this part absolutely necessary? Liberal.
010817 -- Catbert: Evil H.R. Director The average performance evaluation for your group is too high. - Do you want me to lower their ratings or their actual performance? Whatever. - This is starting to to affect my performance. Why? I'm not touching
010817 -- you.
010818 -- My powers of communication will inspire them to be better employees. - Gaaa!! He's using his powers of of communication against us! - Must work harder for no good reason. We're too late.
010819 -- I can't sleep. Would you tell me a story. - Once upon a time there was a pointy-haired monster. - He promised riches to the villagers if they could achieve his random objectives. - The villagers worked long but they were happy and
010819 -- optimistic. - Suddenly the evil monster cut their funding and hired the village idiot to be project manager. - And that is how the villagers got trapped in meetings for all eternity. The End. - WAAA!! WAAA!! WAAA!! - Rats cry when they
010819 -- hear about my life. It never pays to listen.
010820 -- Each of us must do his part to save energy. - ZZZZZ - I could build a tiny hydrogenerator for his drool.
010821 -- I'm tired of dating attractive men who are dumb and self-centered. - Maybe I can find an intelligent homely guy and clean him up. No!!! - Do you mind if I work in a set with those five-pounders? DON'T DO IT, AMBER!
010822 -- I made a list of all the ways you need to improve in order to keep dating me. - Lose forty pounds, new wardrobe, new haircut, new car, new odor... - But your dog is perfect. How'd that happen? When can you move in?
010823 -- We're such a mismatch that I doubt you'll ever improve yourself all the way to my level. - Maybe I could meet you in the middle by gaining thirty pounds and getting a terrible haircut. - ...knock out a few teeth, wear stained clothes, chew
010823 -- tobacco...
010824 -- I'm dating a beautiful woman. Do you have advice? - A beautiful woman is like a heap of fresh garbage: exciting, mysterious and delightful. - Do you have any advice that doesn't compare my girl-friend to garbage? How about compost?
010825 -- Do you mind if I turn off the lights to...um...save energy? I'm green with that. - Mmm...smooch smooch smooch smooch - I came down to meet your new girlfriend but now I think it'll be awkward.
010826 -- Ooh! Ooh! I know how to solve our problem! Not so fast, Asok. - This isn't the solution meeting. This is the process meeting. - Our goal is to develop a process for generating ideas how to solve the problem. - We don't know how to develop
010826 -- processes. Someone should have a meeting about that. - Someone like...a cross-disciplinary swat team in an offsite lockup meeting. - Hmm...good idea. I guess this meeting is over. - You see, Asok. You can only thwart a meeting by inventing
010826 -- other meetings to act as a firewall.. - Asok, I'm putting you on a cross-disciplinary swat team.
010827 -- My performance exceeds expectations but my pay is based on market averages. - I figure some underachievers are getting the extra money that I earn. - Give me their names so I can go get my money. It's Wally.
010828 -- First, we'll lower costs by offering a retirement package that induces all the smart employees to leave. - Then we'll rewrite our mission statement to make it fit better. - Our new mission statement is, "if you can read this you should
010828 -- have retired by now." Ouch.
010829 -- I've agreed to be in the dunking tank for this year's united charity day. - BONK!! - I don't like lines.
010830 -- I was here all night. Is it okay if I take tomorrow as a comp day? - According to our security video you slept all night on a pile of debris in your cubicle. - Is it just me or is this conversation jumping all over the place?
010831 -- PARTS We don't give out parts anymore. - We're trying to end the vicious circle of reordering. - Would you mind filling out a brief survey of customer satisfaction?
010901 -- I'd like t make a gradual shift out of engineering and into something more administrative. - For example, I could write reports that tell other people how to do their jobs better. - Then I could gradually shift out of writing reports and into
010901 -- something more vegetative.
010902 -- Alice, meet our new sales manager. - He's a pigboy who makes inappropriate comments every five minutes. - Somehow he slipped through our rigorous employment screening process. - Whoa! His five minutes are up. So, Alice. - Inappropriate comment
010902 -- deleted - That was very clever. Now let me try one. - Inappropriate comment deleted - How did you learn to swear like that? I used to date a one-eyed carpenter.
010903 -- ...effective immediately. YES! - AH-OOGA! WOO-HOO! - We can male the severance packages less generous.
010904 -- Profits are down. Our senior management blames the weak economy. - So they're saying that projects went*up* because of great management and *down* because of a weak economy? - These meetings will go faster if you stop putting things in context.
010904 -- sorry.
010905 -- I'm pleased to report that I had no problems this week. - I only had issues, opportunities, challenges and valuable learning experiences. - Did you do any work? It didn't seem necessary.
010906 -- My keyboard is broken. It only types asterisks for passwords. - Dogbert's Tech Support - Try changing your password to five asterisks. - I hope I can remember it.
010907 -- Is there more to life than just working? - Yes, there's also the complaining about work. The nightly periods of unconsciousness and sweet, sweet death. - Maybe I should have kids. To share the joy?
010908 -- Alice, you have to learn how to to take risks. - You mean like quitting this putrid company and going to work someplace better? - Why doesn't anyone understand anything I say? Three o'clock.
010909 -- Do you want to join the lottery pool? No. - No rational person would put money on a billion-to-one longshot. - You will. No, I won't. - I'll bet a hundred dollar that you will. - You're on. - If you don't join the pool, and we win, I will come
010909 -- to your putrid cubicle and do this dance... - Ay-yi-yi, hoo-wah-hoo! I'm filthy rich and you're a loser! HOO-AH HOO-AH!! - Who won the $100 Dilbert pool? Whoever picked thirty seconds.
010910 -- All of our data is grossly inaccurate...but I need data in order to manage. - If I concentrate hard enough I can forget that the data is bad, then I can use it. - I have to give him credit; managing is harder than it looks.
010911 -- I'm being moved to the magic portal, cubicle 45750R! - Everyone who sits in the magic portal gets a better job within six months! - There isn't a cubicle 45750R, is there? The first of layoffs are always the cruelest.
010912 -- Ed, I want you to crosstrain Asok on the accounting system. - And don't worry that you'll lose respect and job security if Asok learns your whole job in one day. - I don't think "accounts receivable" is an expense. No one has complained yet.
010913 -- Your accounting system is so dysfunctional that the results are meaningless. - How is it possible that no one has noticed? I've always wondered about that. - My payroll expenses are zero again. I'm a management genius.
010914 -- We've negotiated this contract for six weeks and today you double your delivery time? - I can't tell if you're an incredibly devious weasel or simply incompetent. Here's a clue. - poink
010915 -- Hey, we negotiated this deal in English but your contract is incomprehensible weaseleze! - My only choices are to sign something I don't understand or get my lawyer involved and miss my deadline! - Ha! Now you're going to heck! Are you hassling
010915 -- my frat brother?
010916 -- Do you want to hear what I'm doing at work? Not so much. - You're supposed to act interested because you're my mother. Well... - I'm not saying you're boring, it's just that everything you talk about is boring. - That's the same as saying I'm
010916 -- boring. Only when you talk. - But you care about me, right? When I hurt, you hurt? - Actually, the electrical impulses in your brain don't fly across the air gap to my brain. - You could be writhing in agony and I wouldn't feel a thing. - Ouch.
010916 -- Air gap.
010917 -- The job market is getting worse every day! Excellent! - Employees will be afraid. Our power to abuse them grows stronger by the minute! - HA HA! STOP DOING THE "EVIL DANCE"! YOU'RE KILLING ME!
010918 -- How's the ol' job market lately? It's pretty bad, isn't it? - So no matter how hard I make you work it's still better than being unemployed. - Who's your leader? Go on, say it. you are.
010919 -- Dogbert Consults It's easy to create a strategy. - Write down everything you do, preceded by the phrase, "increase our market share by..." - What if we change what we do? Call me and I'll sell you some more valuable advice.
010920 -- Could you turn off the music? I can't concentrate. - How about if I turn it down to a level where it still drives you nuts but you're too shy to complain a second time? - Thank you. It might creep up over time.
010921 -- Asok, you're coming with me to an important meeting across the bridge. Important! - My hard work as an intern is paying off. Already I am invited to an important meeting! - Hey, we get the carpool lane!
010922 -- What do you guys think about my new haircut? - It's a gargantuan mistake that will ruin your life. Frighten children and bruise fruit. - I'm all froze up! No one ever asked for my opinion before!
010923 -- I've created a schematic of office politics in my company. Nicely done. - Let's say I want to ruin Ted's career... - I could say bad things to Tina about Ted. Tina carpools with Ming and Ming takes yoga classes with Carol. - And Carol is a
010923 -- secretary for Ted's boss, so Ted would be history. - Of course it wouldn't be ethical to test the system. Unless... - ...you use the Phil-Alice-Larry circuit to get Ted rehired. Yup yup. - ...and that's why Ted is worthless. Hey, where's Phil?
010923 -- He quit. - Why do I listen to you? Because of a little thing I call charisma.
010924 -- Look, I have three computers in the house. All three simultaneously lost E-Mail but not Web function. - That means the problem is in your E-Mail service. Can you grasp that concept? - Okay, I'm re-entering my account information...hey, guess
010924 -- what? That didn't work either.
010925 -- I need a brilliant employee to be my assistant manager. - That's why I came to you. - That's the first nice thing... Your job is to clone me.
010926 -- Our pointy-haired boss asked me to clone him. - What if his clone has no soul? - If? If?
010927 -- Yes, the technology to clone you exists, but it's illegal to clone humans. - If the cops find out, we can frame my clone for the crime. - That is so wrong. - Why? He'd do the same thing to me!
010928 -- My boss asked me to clone him. Is that ethical? - You'll either create a soulless abomination or, if the clone is normal, you will have shown that souls are irrelevant. - What if the original is already a soulless abomination? You can borrow my
010928 -- cloner. It's in the truck.
010929 -- Cloning the Boss Will this hurt? - I hope so. - We heard it might hurt. May I push the button?
010930 -- Uh-oh...slow-walking women. - I can't squeeze around. - I'll make footstep noise so they'll notice and move. stomp stomp stomp - It didn't work. They're oblivious slow-walking women! - Time stands still as I wait to take my next step. - Oh
010930 -- no...it's a pair of oblivious slow-walking women. - I'll throw you over the top- Then you open the side door so I can go around. - Third one today. Weird.
011001 -- Cloning the Boss? There's a problem with your clone. - Wally spilled soda on the DNA module. Your clone is one-half horse posterior. - And one half that isn't like you.
011002 -- I'm a clone of your boss? - The procedure didn't exactly work. So you're not so much a human being as you are a... - God? Knickknack.
011003 -- You've got to implement a six sigma program or else you're doomed. - Aren't you the same consultant who sold us the worthless TQM program a few years ago? - I assure you that those program has a totally, totally different name. When can we
011003 -- start?
011004 -- Six Sigma Consult Every company that used my six sigma program increased profits. - ...except for the ones that were in industry downturns... - ...or flat growth industries...or industries that only upturned a little bit.
011005 -- Six Sigma Consult All of you are selfish and diwitted but don't worry. - I'll teach you a process that will bog you down in meetings so you can't hurt anything. - I can't move my arms! zzz zzz zzz zzz
011006 -- Six Sigma Consult The first step is to identify your problems. - We don't have any problems. What's the second step? - Mus...control...fist. I hope someone gives me a belt.
011007 -- Happy service anniversary, Alice. - We're out of twenty-year pins so I got twenty of the one-year pins. - You can pin these babies all over you blouse...or fishing hat if you prefer. - The card says, "to Kathy" but it was never opened. For some
011007 -- reason she quit the day she got her twenty pins. - Incidentally, I have to charge you $262 for the pins. The company doesn't pay for them. - First of all, I've only worked here for about six years... - Wow, you look older. Anyway, just give me
011007 -- the $262 and throw away eight pins and we'll call it good. - Why are you rolling up your sleeve? Are you going to pin them to your arm?
011008 -- Our CEO has voluntarily slashed his pay from six million per year to four. - In a written statement he said he wants to, "share the pain." - Do you feel better now? I make my own underpants from sandwich bags.
011009 -- Maybe I should become a teacher so I can educate the leaders of tomorrow. - Maybe you should educate the morons of tomorrow so they'll stop believing the leaders of tomorrow. - Maybe I'll just eat this donut and go to work. Do you have any more
011009 --dreams I can crush?
011010 -- Catbert: Evil H.R. Director Contractors are not allowed to breathe company air, Carl. - This air is for employees only. You need to supply your own air. - Mmmb bmf rmn Hmr! Does anyone understand Carl? Hey! He's using our light!
011011 -- Carl, you're only a contractor. You have to stop using company resources. - Mmn nph hbm mrm! Yes, I know you bring your own air, but you still use our gravity. - Fbm gmp rkr! If it's not too much to ask, could you hover?
011012 -- Anne L. Retentive Anne, I'm going to task you with a deliverable. - GAAA!! TASK IS NOT A VERB!! MY WORLD IS FALLING APART! - Tomorrow I'll ask her to timeline her project.
011013 -- We have discovered the cause of our network outages. LAN - Some idiot is using our network room for meetings and unplugging the server because it is too noisy. - A server is like a waitress, right? Yeah, a noisy one.
011014 -- Carol, if anyone calls, say I'm in a meeting. - What meeting? It doesn't matter. - RRRING #*!*/ vague instructions. - He's at his weekly meeting of "morons anonymous." - It's a long meeting, they usually get into an argument about the
011014 -- definition of "anonymous." - Half of them think it means "angry." then someone throws a chair and its pandemonium. - The whole thing usually ends with a shoe-sniffing contest. - Your mom called.
011015 -- I'd be a good stock market expert. - I'd buy  stocks and then go on TV and recommend them so they go up. - What about the fundamentals? It doesn't get more fundamental than that!
011016 -- Stock Market Expert Clip this microphone to your fur. We're live in two. - Make sure my tail is off camera. I'll be recommending stocks I own and that sort of thing makes me wag. - Someday I gotta get honest work.
011017 -- Stock Market Expert ...everyone should buy stock in that company. Sell your house if necessary. - Should we worry that the P/E is 900, your track record is terrible and you only recommend stocks you own? - Well, Ron, as you can see from the
011017 -- one-week chart, this stock only goes up. BUY! BUY!
011018 -- Stock Market Expert If your core holding is a falling knife, you can dollar cost average through the dead cat bounce. - My secret economic model says you should change your cash allocation from 12.4% to 12.3% - My new book is, "if you aren't
011018 -- churning, you aren't learning.  Don't come back.
011019 -- We need to have an all-company meeting to talk about the layoffs. - You might get some hostile questions owing to the fact that they found out about the layoffs by reading the newspaper. - No, I've never noticed that I leave a trail of reeking
011019 -- slime wherever I slither.
011020 -- I'll take two more questions about the layoffs...yes, you in the back. - And I'd appreciate it if this question didn't involve my odor, my DNA, or any comparisons to rodents, snakes or weasels. - Never mind.
011021 -- Bad news. - The employees figured out that they won't get raises next year because profits are in the dumps. - And they're being rational about it. - We are free from the tyranny of having to work hard for raises. Ooh-yah! - But there's a
011021 -- delicate balance because we don't want to be downsized. - I figure we can either have attitudes or bad performance but not both. - I think I'll try having a bad attitude. I'm a bad performance man myself. - I just realized that my entire job
011021 -- can be done by guessing. Hey, dip-weed.
011022 -- Ask the trolls in accounting to explain this charge. GAA! - Please don't make me talk to the trolls during budget season! - Next
011023 -- Accounting Trolls I need an explanation for these numbers. - This is budget season so I will spit on your data and send you away. - That doesn't sound too bad. Our bodies are 95% made of spit.
011024 -- Accounting Trolls Go ahead, Larry. Spit on his data. - PTOO!! - Can I give you a little tour of our department?
011025 -- Tour of accounting Over here we have our random number generator. - Nine nine nine nine nine nine - Are you sure that's random? That's the problem with randomness: you can never be sure.
011026 -- Were you always a troll? No, this happened when I came to accounting. - First my hair fell out. Then I stopped going to the gym. - You have horns and a tail. When I realized I had a look going I just went for for it.
011027 -- So, if all trolls were once people, that means some people are already changing and don't know it. Exactly. - This is the list of people we're waiting for. - I KNOW SOMETHING YOU DON'T KNOW. I think I'm getting pimples on my head.
011028 -- I'm a director of human resources. - So naturally I have to keep up the appearance of being evil. - But if you find it difficult to do evil things? - No, I like that part of the job. Stop jumping ahead, Hag. - My problem is that anytime I see a
011029 -- tiny object fall on the floor, I jump on it and eat it. - Sometime I'm not even hungry and I know it's just a piece of debris but I can't stop myself. - Oops...I misspelled psycho. NO! NOT ERASER DEBRIS! - Who's a hag? #*!! @$& quack
011030 -- Then I noticed that the circuit design looked like a bug. I was going to mention it but then I didn't. - I'M PSYCHIC! - Unless you're saying out loud every thought that crosses your mind. It's called conversation.
011031 -- Asok, I want you to work for the evil director of human resources until his assistant recovers. - From what is he recovering? Is it a cold or perhaps a flu? - He saw so much evil that his soul dissolved and he became a winged demon.
011101 -- Catbert: Evil H.R. Director We're almost out of kitty litter. - Gather all the resumes we got this week and run them through the shredder. - Shouldn't we be matching these with our openings? - That's what we're doing.
011102 -- Asok Works in H.R. Asok, I want you to handle all the  harassment complaints. - And as I left the room I could feel Alice's eyes checking out my caboose. - So...you have psychic powers? My eyes are up here, pal.
011103 -- Asok Works in H.R. If we eliminate vacation days and increase sick days... - Would the employees fall for our trap and make themselves sick to get days off? What?!! - You're in h.r. now. It's okay to be evil.  Evil, right.
011104 -- Alice, may I have a word with you? - You're not spending enough time in your cubicle. - It looks as if our department isn't productive. - But...I can't do my job from my cubicle. - You have to set priorities. Looking productive is very
011104 -- important to this department. - Will I get a big raise for looking busy while my projects flounder? - You won't get a big raise either way. - GAAA!!! Here's a blank piece to carry back to your cubicle.
011105 -- We should add this feature to our product to make it more useful. - Are you telling me that not ONE person on earth will use our product without that feature?!! - You changed what I said into a bizarre absolute. Oh, I change EVERYTHING you
011105 -- say?!
011106 -- I signed up for a yoga class. - They say it will help me achieve harmony and balance. - Failing at that, I plan to stare at stretchy women.
011107 -- I've lost two pounds since I signed up for yoga class. - And I never get sick anymore. You haven't had a class yet. - Maybe I'm some sort of yoga prodigy.
011108 -- Wally looks different. - He changed when he started yoga classes. - All I'm saying is that it might not be a "yoga" class. Suspicious you are.
011109 -- We're going to have a "town hall" meeting to improve communication. - But it's not in an actual town hall. And I'll have questions in advance, so it's not a meeting per se. - Who do we give our questions to? I think you'll find that it doesn't
011109 -- matter.
011110 -- Asok, you are the winner of a prestigious award for attendance. - My name is misspelled...as an obscenity. - Typo. Typo? You added four letters!!
011111 -- Ted, I have to downsize you. - Was I doing a bad job? - No, it's more complicated than that. - Is my essential function being eliminated. - No, the problem is that someone in marketing spent too much for a trade show booth. - So every manager
011111 -- had to submit a list of potential cost reductions. - I might have accidentally sent the department phone list as an E-Mail attachment. - There are lots of whiners in "A" through "M." *%!!*@
011112 -- Our CEO's goal is to improve our revenue per employee. So I'm going to fire you and bring you back as a contractor. - Last week his goal was to reduce the number of contractors. So you cancelled my contract and hired me as an employee. - Well,
011112 -- it looks like someone doesn't like having his cheese moved.
011113 -- Your psychological profile test results are excellent. Can you start Monday? - Monday is fine. I'll read the employee handbook over the weekend. Thank you very much. - The "gentle biker" look is overdone. I'm going for "psycho hillbilly."
011114 -- GAAA!! Hi. It's a pleasure to meet you. - You look like a psycho hillbilly. Thank you very much. - We network design engineers like to dress with a theme. May I call you crazy old coot?
011115 -- I used to be preppy. Then I was a dangerous-looking biker with a heart of gold. - I call my current look the "psycho hillbilly." What's your theme. - This isn't a theme. Oh...sorry, man, I had no way of knowing.
011116 -- I plan to use my raise to move from my home in the handicapped stall to a storage facility. - If you are trying to think of a housewarming gift, I wouldn't say no to a flashlight. - If you need help moving, don't hesitate to call Alice. You are
011116 -- too kind.
011117 -- May I have a day off to move my home? One hour. - What? Why only one hour? I like to negotiate. - I guess I can try doing it in one hour. And you can't use a vehicle.
011118 -- Tina, you didn't use the approved corporate font. - Our corporate communications department says we have to use the Danville font. - No problem. I'll buy the Danville font software today. - There's a budget freeze on software purchases. -
011118 -- So...the Danville font is both mandatory and prohibited? - Remind me to ding you for negativity on your next evaluation. - I think I'll do some binge eating and non-stop sobbing at my cubicle now. - Unless that's prohibited too. No eating in
011118 -- cubicles.
011119 -- Dilbert, you're going to Elbonia to shut down our Elbonian mud delivery business. - Meanwhile, I'll tell our stockholders that we expect the mud delivery business to make huge profits. - Um...is this illegal? There's no law against optimism! I
011119 -- checked.
011120 -- I'm supposed to shut down our Elbonian mud delivery business. - But I'm a highly trained engineer so I will analyze their business model and fix it. - They deliver mud to people who live in mud. You have my attention.
011121 -- In Elbonia Can anyone tell me why your mud delivery business is failing? Anyone? - Is it because of the general economic slowdown? Dot-com meltdown? - And maybe because you sell mud to people who live in mud? What if we call it fudge?
011122 -- In Elbonia Our business plan was to sell mud to people who live in mud. - Later we shrewdly expanded our offerings to include pet grooming and lingerie. - Frankly, I blame our ad agency for what happened next.
011123 -- In Elbonia We manufacture our mud using bottled water and bags of fertile soil. - There's a huge demand in my country for bottled water and bags of soil. - Is anyone selling bottled air to you morons yet?
011124 -- In Elbonia I'm authorized to give each of you one dollar of severance pay. - WE'RE RICH!!! - How much were we paying you? Nothing. We were entirely motivated by slogans.
011125 -- I'm happy to announce that we're being acquired by a foreign company. - Don't worry that they'll dominate us. This will be a merger of equals. - Expect that they make money and we don't. - And their CEO will lead the combined company. - And
011125 -- every one of them is a giant. - And they've developed their latent psychic abilities so they can cause pain from a distance. - GAAA!! I'M SORRY I SAID TOO MUCH! YOU ARE MY MASTER!! - Are you worried? Nah. If they read my mind, they'll all go
011125 -- blind.
011126 -- I'm going to start an airline that has no planes. - I'll take people's money and make them sit in a crowded room while ex-cons steal from their luggage. - What happens when your customers realize you have no airplanes? I call that "mechanical
011126 -- difficulties."
011127 -- Dogbert Airlines I've been waiting for 35 hours. Are you sure my flight exists? - According to my computer your flight is delayed by weather. - What kind of weather? Our planes can't handle direct sunlight.
011128 -- Dogbert Airlines Attention travelers! Our hub at the south pole is experiencing permafrost. - Please form a primitive society and live in the terminal forever. - The good news is that you'll earn six "Dogbert Miles" that can be used on the
011128 -- 35th of every month.
011129 -- Congressional Hearings Your airline is accused of providing inhumane service. How do you respond? - Sometimes I wag and sometimes I hold up my paw and say, "Bah!" BAH! - You're not allowed to say Bah. Take it back. hab
011130 -- Okay, let me think aloud for a minute. - The cost will be $3000...loosing focus...monkeys are funny...my tongue is digesting in my mouth. - That didn't help as much as I had hoped.
011201 -- I'm fired?!! Now I can't pay my rent! - Would it be okay if I lived here in my cubicle? I don't see why not. - Can I have fires and become a cannibal? Well, I might regret this later...
011202 -- When should we do the layoffs? - Experts say that Friday is the cruelest day of the week to fire people. - So let's do it Friday. - Friday is our employee appreciation day. - AH-AH AH-WOOO!!! - What was that? You don't want to know. -
011202 -- Congratulations on being named employee of the month. - Now...you know how some months are shorter than others? AH-AH WOOO!!
011203 -- My accomplishments for the week include scheduling a meeting. - But some people were using the conference room so we milled around and gave up. - You could have used another room. What part of "gave up" is confusing you?
011204 -- Carol, reserve the conference room every day for the next year in case I need it. - You're too late. Some other sociopath had the idea and beat you to it. - I hate being the slowest sociopath.
011205 -- I can teach you to manage your time more efficiently. - Put all of your high priorities on one list and your low priorities on another. - Then do everything on both lists even if it kills you, otherwise you're a freakin' loser.
011206 -- Thank you, but I can only accept gifts under $25. How much is this? $26. - Well, thanks anyway. Rules are rules. - You're very nice for a salesperson. But how much is this worth? $26. Why?
011207 -- The great thing about free speech is that I can criticize the government. I'd fire you. - I mean outside of work. I'd fire you for that too. - May I express enjoyment of my pastry? Sure. It's a free country.
011208 -- You need to hire people who won't be a threat to you. - The Dogbert Recruitment Agency specializes  in the placement of clueless people with bad hair. - I don't know...they still look threatening. Perhaps I can interest you in our cadaver
011208 -- program.
011209 -- I call it the teamwork football. - Each of you will carry the ball with you for one day to symbolize your commitment to teamwork. - Who wants to be first? - Not me. I have a meeting with customers today. - I'm on vacation. I only came in for
011209 -- coffee. - Not in a trillion years. - Maybe you could keep it in your desk drawer to symbolize our commitment to teamwork. - I should have used a golf ball.
011210 -- We've hired the world's most innovative design firm. - We'll observe their successful methods and steal them for our own. Heh heh heh. - Maybe their secret is hiring smart people. I'm hoping it involves easels.
011211 -- Creativity Exercise Team one made a device that converts air to electricity. - Team two used their hour to create a missile defense layer. clap clap - Team three, do you need more time? It's a scissors holder!
011212 -- Everyone grab an odd-shaped piece of foam and sit down. - We'll continue the design process by pointing to these brainstorm notes and making insightful observations. - The notes are all yellow. Sweet jeepers!!! You're all engineers!
011213 -- Creative Design Each team has one hour and build a mock-up using these common materials. - Question: doesn't this sort of exercise usually get dominated by the worst team member? - Don't worry. We can just ignore Alice's suggestions.
011214 -- Our copier is broken. May I use yours? Only if you use our own paper. - I just need one copy and my office is about a mile away. Don't make me unleash the hound. - That's a hound? Technically he's a web designer in a tight labor market.
011215 -- Who called this meeting? We thought you did. - I think we should discuss issues and assign tasks so it's not a complete waste of time. - Maybe meetings have become a lifeform capable of calling themselves and thus reproducing via human hosts.
011215 -- good issue. wow!
011216 -- Is it okay if I work from home one day a week? - How would I know you were working? - How do you know I'm working when I'm *here*? - When you're here I know you're unhappy and that's the same thing as work. - What if I invent a hideously
011216 -- uncomfortable hat to wear when I'm working at home? - Well...that might be okay. - But it has to be extremely uncomfortable or else it isn't work. - Hee hee! The joke's on him - it isn't that uncomfortable.
011217 -- I'm signing up volunteers to serve food on the homeless on Christmas day. - How do you know in advance that they'll be extra hungry on that one day? - Our P.R. firm makes sure they don't get fed for two days before the news crews arrive.
011218 -- According to this survey the compensation here is "competitive." - Competitive means not the highest. So we could get paid more if we worked at another company? - Should we continue working as hard as we can or should we back off to a more
011218 -- competitive level?
011219 -- Wally, you have failed to achieve any of your written objectives. - But by pure chance you achieved all of my hidden objectives. - Here's another project I need smothered with defectiveness. I'm all over it.
011220 -- I want to move you another cubicle but my office moving budget is shot. - So I'm going to transfer you to Elbonia and then back so I can use the relocation budget. - He says the relocation budget is shot you can mail yourself home.
011221 -- I'm starting a petition to end war. Do you want in on this. - Who are you going to give it to? Say what? - I was hoping to sell it. I'll sign it for a dollar.
011222 -- Bob, I hold in my hands the most important document ever created. - It's a signed petition to end war. I expect to win the Nobel peace prize for this. - May I have a sip of that? Trade ya.
011223 -- Alice, you need to use your vacation time before the end of the year. - I don't have time. I need to finish my project. - I'm sure that a highly trained engineer like you can find a solution. - Well...I could say I'm on vacation and come to
011223 -- work as usual. - No. I can't count it as vacation unless you're not in the building. - Okay...I could take home my computer and work there. - No...you're not allowed to access our network remotely. - *!f#% worst vacation ever...
011224 -- Sometimes I feel guilty that I'm not doing enough  to enhance stockholder value. - Do you ever feel that way? GLUG GLUG GLUG - I'll take that as a no.
011225 -- Dude, why haven't you answered my E-Mail? - Your message was so poorly written that I didn't understand it and I didn't dare to start a dialogue. - Maybe I should have a talk with your boss. Maybe you should E-Mail him.
011226 -- I need your approval for this expense. The equipment is already here and installed. - I left out the description because you wouldn't understand it anyway. - There's a fine line between managing and being totally useless. Luckily it looks the
011226 -- same.
011227 -- If you give a man a fish he will eat for a day. - But if you teach a man to fish he will buy an ugly hat. - And if you talk about fish to a starving man then you're a consultant.
011228 -- Alice, I just sent you an e-mail. - Here's a copy of my message but I'll just tell you what it says. - It says I sent you a voice mail telling you to look for a fax that says I want to talk to you.
011229 -- Alice. All of your hard work-the nights and the weekends - are finally paying off. - We increased our five-year forecast of demand by ten percent! - You changed a wild guess by ten percent? Thanks to you!
011230 -- Dilbert, take care of this. It's urgent. - I can't read your handwriting. What does it say? - I don't have time to answer your questions. - Don't try to call me. I don't return calls. - If you come to my office, I'll be away - And then, like a bad odor on a windy day, the phantom manager vanished. - I think it says. "Floog smort olak munta hawthnort." - What does it mean? I think it involves monkeys and duct tape.
011231 -- Carol, I want you to help me put together a morale boosting event. - Great idea. And after that maybe I can do CPR on a mummy and see if I can save it's life. - Do you hear what I'm saying? Our first meeting will be Tuesdays.
020101 -- Dilbert, I want you to put together the winning bid for this contract. - No problem. I'll just read the minds of our competitors and bid lower. - I'm picking up something now...but it's partly blocked by a dense mass.
020102 -- I need your close estimates for my bid proposal.  A billion dollars. - That sounds high for administrative overhead. If you already know the cost, why ask me? - You'll make us lose the bid. I like to think of it as winning less work.
020103 -- I gathered all the padded cost estimates from the liars and scoundrels I'm ashamed to call co-workers. - That's okay. I usually ignore our cost estimates and make bid proposals that I think will win. - I gather inaccurate data for a living.
020103 -- Luckily no one uses it. Your glass is half full.
020104 -- The winner of our "Name the Restrooms" contest is Alice... - ...for her suggestion of "goddesses" and "morons." - You're right; I was the only one who would enter that ridiculous contest.
020105 -- Sorry I'm late. - I left my mission statement paperweight in the sun and it set my cubicle on fire. - I tried to douse it using my "We are Quality" mug but the handle broke and I got shards.
020106 -- The project got off to a slow start. - First we had the reorganization. - Then the merger. And the layoffs. - Budget freeze. Office relocation. - New CEO. New consultants. New strategy. - Eventually the whole industry changed and the
020106 -- opportunity evaporated. - So we classified our unused budget as "savings" and gave everyone a shirt. - You said you'd show us your "best practices." What are you implying?
020107 -- Your project is cancelled. You'll be downsized in ninety days. - Until then, feel free to wander around like a zombie. - I walk among them but I am not one of them.
020108 -- Here are some projects to finish before your last day. - But...I'll have to interact with people who know I've been downsized. Hee hee! - I'll get this information to you right away. Is ninety days soon enough?
020109 -- I'm unemployed and I drive an electric car. - These are my abs. I talk too much about myself and I'm not romantic. - I realize it's a long shot but does any of that turn you on?
020110 -- Do you think I should grow a beard while I'm unemployed? - That's a great idea. A beard sends a message about who you are. - Um...okay. I assume you already have a shopping cart and filthy rags.
020111 -- Maybe I'll take a job as a waiter until I can get a job as an engineer. - You're not qualified to wait on tables. how hard could it be? - The manager is over there slapping a drunk.
020112 -- Hi. I came to apply for a server job. - Okay. Tell me how you would handle an abusive drunken customer like this guy. - Um...with kindness? You might want to shield yourself with a tablecloth.
020113 -- Alice, I'm naming you to our company's "Engineer of the Year." - You'll fly to New York and receive a trophy with the winners from other companies. - I'm too busy. Name someone else. - That's a critical time for my project. - I'm flattered but I
020113 -- already have no time for sleeping or bathing. - I have a sick day scheduled for that Friday. - Carol, I need you to go to New York and pretend to be an engineer. - Why yes, most of us *are* really from marketing. How can you tell?
020114 -- I'll be your server tonight...whoa, you're beautiful. - Would your grandfather mind if I asked you out? He's my husband. - Moving right along, would you like to hear about our specials?
020115 -- I got fired from my job at the restaurant. - Every time I carried hot soup my thumb would slip in and I'd scream and spray the whole dining room. - I blame the soup. Stupid soup.
020116 -- We can hire you back but not at your old job. - That's okay. I'll do anything but sales. I would be the worst salesperson on earth. It's sales. - Did I just say worst when I meant best? We'll have to train you to lie better.
020117 -- Sales Training A trained salesperson can sell anything to anyone. - I will prove it by selling this roadkill to one of you for a thousand dollars. - Um...how was your class? I got a hat!
020118 -- Sales Training Don't act like you're selling something. - A good sale is like a good wedgie: your victim shouldn't see it coming. - For this demonstration I need a volunteer who can't see what's coming.
020119 -- Sales Training Never sell to your customer. Make your customer sell to you. - Our products are only for those who dare to be great! Make the customer explain why he is worthy. - What did you just call me? You hear me, goober. Now beg for our
020119 -- product.
020120 -- I'm moving to a new house next week. - I have lots of heavy objects that need to be moved. - I wonder who will help me. - Maybe it will be someone who cares about his career. - Did you know that professional moving companies exist? - It's
020120 -- true. You give them money and they move your heavy things. - It's a wonderful system. You should look into it. - And maybe you can bring your trailer. IT'S A MOBILE HOME!
020121 -- Dilbert the Sales Guy I'll talk to you every day to see if you change your mind. - Don't talk to me every day. You might change your mind. - Did you know that if you cross "sales" with "talk" you get "stalk"?
020122 -- Dilbert the Sales Guy I wouldn't buy this @*#!%!!$ with *your* money. - It's overpriced, hard to use, full of bugs and it solves no problem. - I spit on your packaging! Um...Mom...
020123 -- Dilbert the Sales Guy Here's my card. None of the information is correct. - Why don't you get new ones? That costs money. - You must have a lot of clout in your company. Shut up and buy something.
020124 -- Please, I beg you, transfer me back to engineering. - I'll take a pay cut. No, I'll work for free. No, I'll pay *you*. - I should make all of my engineers work in sales for a while. You come back more appreciative.
020125 -- Hi. My name is Michael T. Suit. All my friends call me M.T. - I enhance core competencies by leveraging platforms. - Did we shake yet? Sometimes I can't tell.
020126 -- Hi, I'm M.T. Suit. I'm a man without substance. - I compensate by using buzzwords and attending meetings. - I like his style. We need to sell solutions, not products!
020127 -- The ad campaign was a huge, huge success! Wow! - Define "huge, huge success." How much did sales increase? - We don't track those numbers.  But I know the ad created a huge buzz because of all the E-Mail I got the next day. - How many messages
020127 -- did you get? - Six. But that's a lot for one topic. Wow! Six! - How many of the six were from your own employees? - Who invited the engineer? I thought he was with you.
020128 -- Wally, I have to downsize you as soon as you finish your project. - I trust that your professionalism will prevent you from delaying unnecessary. - I promise that my timeliness will be surpassed only by my passion for quality.
020129 -- I hired a manhater to be your supervisor. Why? - Frankly, I'm kinda turned on by angry women in pantsuits. - She's decisive. I like that.
020130 -- Man-Hating Supervisor I'm putting Alice in charge of the project. - And Willy or Walther here can drink coffee until he grows into a fly. - I can't figure out why she's being so nice to me.
020131 -- Man-Hating Supervisor Have any of you men done anything to justify your pay? - I attended an all-day meeting but later found out I was in the wrong one. - Actually, you're not supposed to be in this meeting either. The door was open.
020201 -- Man-Hating Supervisor You're fired for being a man. - No one has ever called me a man before! This is the happiest day of my life! - STOP ENJOYING LIFE!! I'M A *MAN*!
020202 -- Man-Hating Supervisor The men here are oblivious to my abuse. What did you do to them? - I siphoned off their self-respect and keep it in vials in a storage room. - This is no fun. I quit. Do you want to yell at the vials with me?
020203 -- Due to budget constraints, the company will no longer provide free soda. - What free soda? We never had free soda. - Sure we did. It was in the refrigerator in the break room. - Every day I'd go in there and get a refreshing beverage. - The
020203 -- next morning, as if by magic, the soda would be replenished. - I brought a soda to work every day for five years only to have it stolen from the refrigerator every time. - - Why didn't you just drink the free ones?
020204 -- Dogbert Tech Support Your software is worn out. You must be typing too hard. - Switch to decaf, paint your walls pink and stop going to the gym. - I've never heard of holistic tech support. Maybe you should read more.
020205 -- Hello, this is Dogbert's all-natural and holistic tech support. - Try stuffing tree bark in the CD drive and meditating. - No, of course it won't damage anything; it's all natural!
020206 -- What can I do to avoid getting computer viruses? - Give your power cord a spinal adjustment once a week to prevent disease. - I was skeptical until he said there's anecdotal evidence that it works!
020207 -- I worked all weekend to get the bugs out of the database. - But now the data make us look bad. Put back the bugs. - Can you teach me to be apathetic like you? Only if you have a strong desire not to learn.
020208 -- I just had a good meeting. - Maybe it just didn't last long enough to reveal the incompetence of the attendees. - That's what I call a good meeting. I'm having a bad meeting.
020209 -- Evil H.R. Director The bad news is that I had to get rid of our marketing department. - The good news is that we have tons of nondairy creamer! - Do you think those two things are related? If they are, I'm cutting back to five cups a day.
020210 -- I don't think our network can handle the extra network traffic. - Opinions don't matter to me. I base my decisions on hard data. - How about logic? Our network is already too slow and we plan to quadruple usage. - Bah! Watch how science works
020210 -- and maybe you'll learn something. - Doug, come here for a minute. - The data proves that our network has infinite capacity, so your budget should be diverted to my project. - That's not science! That's a weasel misinterpreting data to get extra
020210 -- funding! - There are days when you really hate to hear the phrase "po-tay-to, po-tay-to."
020211 -- Carol, I need to reserve the glass-walled conference room by the main lobby. - The "fish bowl" is only available to attractive employees. We don't want to scare visitors. - I want a second opinion. Very well. I'll convene the tribunal of admin
020211 -- assistants.
020212 -- The tribunal of admin assistants will hear the case of... - The man who is too unattractive to use the glass-walled conference room versus humanity. - You put the verdict in the name of the case! We're efficient.
020213 -- The tribunal of admin assistants has reached a decision. - Dilbert is not attractive enough to use the glass-walled conference room near the lobby. - Can I appeal? Apparently not.
020214 -- I've reduced our development costs by outsourcing the project. - Does the proposal have a huge hourly rate for any work not specified in the contract? - Stay out of it. Why do you ask?
020215 -- Wow! you finished the project below your estimate and on time. Hold...hold... - All I need are a few changes at your hourly fee, which was never specified in our contract. hold...hold...hold. - WAG!
020216 -- Your trip is cancelled. - We used up the travel budget renaming our call centers to "Contact Centers." - But I need this training. Isn't that another way of saying you're ignorant?
020217 -- Wally, may I ask you for advice? Huh? - My name is Ted. I'm planning to take the voluntary layoff package. - Then I plan to use my retirement money to start a business that makes kites out of waffles! - In five years I hope to be the world's
020217 -- largest maker of edible kites. - So, what do you think? I value your opinion. - Ted, who told you that I'd be a good person to ask for an opinion on your idea? - Alice said it reminded her of the quality of your...ideas. Oh. -  ALICE SHOOTS FOR
020217 -- THE DOUBLE!!! SHE SCORES!!!
020218 -- Dilbert, you have been chosen to design the world's safest nuclear power plant. - This is the greatest assignment that any engineer could hope for. I'm flattered by the trust you have in me. - By "safe" I mean "not near my house."
020219 -- Our assignment is to design a totally safe nuclear power plant. - Let's put it in Elbonia. That seems safe to me. - Our offer of cheerful slave labor paid off! WOO-HOO!!
020220 -- none of us has designed a nuclear power plant before but we can figure it out by using our process. - In phase one we will gather customer requirements. - So...you want free electricity, without mutating, unless the mutation gives you x-ray
020220 -- vision. Yep.
020221 -- How do we get the electricity from our nuclear plant in Elbonia to the toasters over here? - Let's brainstorm, and remember not to judge any ideas at this stage. - I'm thinking huge barges and trained porpoises-lots of them. Must...not...judge.
020222 -- I built a working model to test my nuclear power plant design. - How big will the real one be? About half this size. And it will cost $23 to build. - I'd give you an attaboy certificate but my printer is out of paper.
020223 -- In Elbonia I'm here to oversee construction of the nuclear power plant. - The first order of business is security for the uranium. A pig ate it. - What?! I demand to see your director of security! You'll have to wait; the pig ate him too.
020224 -- Upgrade all of our network servers by Tuesday. - That's impossible. I need at least a month. - Oh, it's impossible, is it? Watch this. - I SUMMON KRONOS, THE GOD OF MANAGEMENT TIME!! - I, Kronos, will manipulate your perception of time. - I
020224 -- don't see how this helps... - When he wakes up he will believe there is plenty of time and that you are a weasel. - Any side effects? Just an insatiable appetite for status reports.
020225 -- I found a coffee stain on my carpet that looks like a man's face. - It might be a miracle...or maybe a sign of the end of time. - I hope not. I added coffee and gave him a squirrel body.
020226 -- Is this number accurate? It seems low. - Why are you attacking me? Stop attacking me! - I think the number is low. It's too late to apologize. Now I hate your guts.
020227 -- The first week after getting an assignment is called "The Wally Period." - Never do work during the Wally Period because most tasks become unnecessary within seven days. - I want a period named after me! Whoa, Asok. That takes many years of
020227 -- non-work.
020228 -- Asok, I'm putting you on our special self-monitoring program. - If you have any questions whatsoever, feel free to talk to yourself. - I'm the master of non-monetary rewards.
020301 -- I'd like to demonstrate some things we can't do. - I don't care about things you can't do. - I know, but it makes a better demonstration this way. - I want my life to have a meaning! You came to the wrong place. Can't do that.
020302 -- I'm in a bad mood. Maybe I'll feel better if I criticize some employees. - I'm doing some recreational criticizing. What do you have for me? E-Mail. - YOU READ E-MAIL LIKE A CHIMP! Alice said she needs to talk to you.
020303 -- I need career advice. You came to the right place. - Should I keep my comfortable job that has no growth potential? - Or should I take a better job with longer hours and a hideous commute? - The first choice is a sure path to self-loathing and
020303 -- unhappiness. - The second choice will squeeze the life out of you like a vise on a peach. - You can't win. So I recommend the choice that keeps you away from home more. - Because frankly-and I'll try to say this delicately-a little bit of
020303 -- you goes a long way. - That's the problem with good advice: no one wants to hear it.
020304 -- Can anyone tell me why everyone is always late for my staff meetings? - Because the first ten minutes are always stupid stuff like "why are people late?" - Alice, that was some of your finest work. Thank you for noticing.
020305 -- What's our current severance package? - I transfer you to a bad job and you quit without giving notice. - I hate your package. I hear that a lot.
020306 -- Tina, we've gotten some complaints about your hostile behavior. - At a recent meeting you crossed your arms. That is unacceptable body language. - Maybe I was cold. EYEBROWS! EYEBROWS!
020307 -- Someone accused me of having a hostile body language. - I'm not allowed to cross my arms or move my eyebrows or frown. - Have a nice day. Too late.
020308 -- Carol, this is urgent. - I'll add it to the compost drawer. - I hope that means the same thing as "urgent."
020309 -- Every employee will wear a button that says "I'm empowered." - I don't want to. You have to. - That was everything you need to know about life in one package.
020310 -- You're an ignorant maggot. You disgust me. - You should get a face transplant from a baboon. What?! - I'm not talking to you. I'm using my hands-free phone. - Oh...for a minute I thought...well, never mind. - Ha ha! You might be the most
020310 -- gullible moron in the galaxy! - YOU POINTY-HAIRED, GRAY-SUITED PILE OF CRUD!!! - Mon, can you hold? My excellent boss wants to talk to me. - What? No personal phone calls on company time!
020311 -- In a perfect world the project would take eight months. Schedule 8 Months - But based on past projects in this company, I applied a 1.5 incompetence multiplier. 1.5 x 8 = 12 Months - And then I applied an L.W.F. of 6.3. L.W.F.? Lying weasel
020311 -- factor.
020312 -- I'd like permission to hold daily prayer services in a conference room. - I'll do it before work and of course I'll clean up any blood. - So far I'm the only member of my religion but I have ambitious plans for brainwashing.
020313 -- Meet your new cubicle neighbor. His name is Medical Mel. - Mel will be making loud personal phone calls all day. - Is it supposed to make a squishy sound? Listen to this...
020314 -- Medical Mel ...the needle was four feet long and thick as a pencil. - I tried to run but the doctor had been an Olympic javelin champion. - My new nickname at the hospital is Bob-short for shishkabob.
020315 -- Have you completed your skills inventory? I'm submitting it now. click - They use that information to transfer you to jobs you don't want. - You'll be be okay as long as you didn't check any of the boxes in the hazmat section. stupid stupid
020315 -- stupid
020316 -- Our numbers are way down. What should we do? - Reorganize the department so there's no valid history for comparison. - Then we'll fire a few people and give ourselves awards for saving money. El Diablo
020317 -- My open door policy is ruining my happiness. - People stop by all day long and complain. - how can I maintain the morale inspiring illusion of an open door policy without actually having one? - Use your body language to create a protective
020317 -- bubble of unwelcomeness. - Try this stressed-out scowl. - Can I poke in my head? Sure, he has an open door policy. - It's a pleasure to see you. We value your input. - Stop by any time.  AY-YI-YI-YI-YI!!
020318 -- Carol, put together a survey to find out why morale is so low. - Survey?!! You could ask any monkey at the zoo what the problem is. - Do *not* fling that. I repeat...
020319 -- My theory is that consciousness is the ability to predict and then observe the results of actions. - So I think you could build a computer that would be fully conscious. zzzzz - Obviously you'd need an array of sensors to collect the data.
020320 -- I'm putting you on a strict "need to know" basis. - And stay out of the crawl space under the house. - And don't believe anything you see in the news for about six months.
020321 -- We saw your classified ad for a nuclear warhead. - It's genuine Russian craftsmanship. Ideal for menacing other third-world countries. sweet - Our slingshot can fling this a hundred yards. Is that enough? That's plenty.
020322 -- The impoverished nation of Elbonia became a nuclear power today. - They plan to test their one and only warhead to frighten their enemies in Kneebonia. - *I'm* not going to ask him for a match. *You* ask him!
020323 -- Trie to be moor prophesional in your commundicashuns. - Let's forward it ti all our friends so they can see what an idiot we work for. hee hee! - But you're my only friend. Don't flatter yourself.
020324 -- Our company is dying...but not because of bad management. - It's because we're not... Customer Centric. - Well, I for one feel better knowing we have correctly identified the problem. - That was a little thing I call participation; you should
020324 -- try it. - Now let's break into four small working groups... - and develop skits based on our new focus of customer centricity. - Um...there are only four of us. Wait...never mind. - I'll call my skit "The Electricity of Customer Centricity."
020325 -- Ted, you have ten seconds to decide if you want to be restructured, repurposed or reassigned. - Repurposed! No, wait...restructured...no, reassigned! No, repurposed! - How many people volunteered to quit and didn't know? Two out of three!
020326 -- If the water company can pipe water to my house, why can't the toothpaste company do the same? - The toothpaste factory should have a pipe to every home so you can turn a faucet... - And don't even get me started about pudding. meteor meteor
020326 -- meteor meteor
020327 -- We're the least expensive vendor unless your requirements change mid-project. - So...I'll get fired if I don't select the lowest bid, or I'll be fired later when the bills for change orders pour in. - I prefer to be fired mid-project. We offer
020327 -- outplacement service with every sale.
020328 -- From now on, everything we do must be justified by R.O.I. - What's the R.O.I. for this new policy about calculating the R.O.I.? - I said, "from now on." What about your answer? No R.O.I.
020329 -- You can take 20% pay cuts or I'll have to downsize one of you. - I know you're like a family but... Yes, Wally? - Tell us more about the pay cut. That sounds promising.
020330 -- Dorie, send an E-Mail: Employees are leaving work too early. - I want to see more cars in the parking lot after 6 P.PM. Otherwise, heads will roll! - You type your own E-Mail. I can't do that *and* do this menacing pose at the same time.
020331 -- Alice, your performance this year was superior. I'm giving you a 20% raise. - But it's not effective right now. - It kicks in as soon as my budget increase gets approved. - When will that be? - As soon as the economy improves and profits go up!
020331 -- - But my raise will be retroactive to today, right? No. - You should be happy. Some people aren't getting any raises at all. must...control fist...of...death. - I got a 14% future raise just for showing up. GAAA!!!
020401 -- Business is way down. You know what you need to do. - Avoid finishing anything so we never appear to be surplus employees? - Maybe this would be a good time to admit that you were wrong about us knowing.
020402 -- Wally, your status report is just a bunch of buzzwords strung together. - I've been giving you that same status report every week for eleven years. - Five years ago you adopted it as our mission statement.
020403 -- Our next speaker was a famous athlete until drugs and booze ruined his life. - Shank hew vewy mush. - It's not inspirational until he stops doing those things. What?
020404 -- Today is the three-year anniversary of our first meeting to discuss the project requirements. - And we're still discussing requirements. Does anyone else see a problem here? - When you're done, can we talk about requirements?
020405 -- Dogbert's Tech Support It works fine on my machine. - Yes, but this call is about *my* PC. May we talk about *my* problem now? - Okay. Your PC is defective and you're selfish. That's an attractive package you've got going there.
020406 -- Safety tip of the day: - Always bend your knees when banging your head against a wall. - I can't remember if managing is an art or science.
020407 -- This is Dogbert's Tech Support. How may I abuse you? - My printer prints a blank page after every document. - Why would you complain about getting free paper? - Free? Isn't it just giving me my own paper? - Egad, man! Look at the quality of the
020407 -- free paper compared to your lousy regular paper! - Only a fool or a liar would say they look the same! - Now that you mention it, it does seem silkier. - What are you doing? I'm helping people accept the things they can't change.
020408 -- Good news, Dilbert. I'm promoting you to more work! - It's the same pay and title. But it must be good because I called it a promotion and I'm smiling! - Still...smiling...good...news... You're scaring me.
020409 -- I worked sixty hours last week. That's nothing. I worked seventy hours. - That's nothing... - Oh, wait...I just recognized the pattern.
020410 -- Send a copier repair guy. And make sure he's good-looking. - Because I live in a big tin can and I work in an egg carton. Flirting is the only joy I have. - Nothing's wrong with the copier yet, but I feel a fierce paper jam coming on.
020411 -- And I'd like the copier repair guy to be a tall guy to be a tall non-smoker with well-defined abs. - Oh, you're not a dating service, eh? Well if I give you money and you send me a guy then it's just semantics. - And could you shave his back
020411 -- and oil him up before you send him?
020412 -- I can't complete the online self-assessment survey. It asks where I need improvement and I don't need any. - The program won't let me leave that question blank. Just check the box that says you steal. - And people will understand that I don't
020412 -- mean it? Sure.
020413 -- Are you a manager? - No, I'm an individual contributor. - So, basically, you have the same job description as an ant? - I'd like to see an ant try to wear huge glasses like these!
020414 -- All the important decision-makers in the company are in this room. - No little people are allowed because we'll be making important strategy decisions. - First, let's make decisions about project Opal. - Does anyone know what the project is or
020414 -- what we need to decide? - My executive intuition tells me we should cut the budget by 10%. - I think Opal is one of your projects. It's named after your daughter. - Wait...a new intuition is coming in now...it says to increase the budget. - Why
020414 -- are those meetings secret? You don't want to know.
020415 -- This weekend I cleaned out my tool shed. - What's that for? I keep a running tally of how much of my time you waste. - ...and I thought it was a frozen snake but it was actually a shovel! Five years, one day.
020416 -- The Sentence Finisher I think I should take... Money from orphans? - No, I mean I need... A large sack and an alibi? - You're finishing my sentences with... Uncanny accuracy?
020417 -- GAAA! Don't be afraid. - I made a camouflage suit out of cubicle wall fabric. Heh, heh. - You need a mask too. I ran out of material. It was a mistake to make a tie.
020418 -- Um...you gave me an assignment that isn't my job and doesn't need to be done. - I'm trying to take over another department by doing their work. Later I'll say their manager should report to me. - Could we at least pretend my job is useful?
020418 -- Don't I always?
020419 -- Can you get this done in thirty days? Yes, absolutely. - We'll just travel faster than light to a black hole and discover a doorway in time. - That sounds iffy. Excuse me for being flexible.
020420 -- How about any Tuesday this year? No, I'm booked. - You have the highest ratio of unavailability to usefulness I've ever seen. - Does that sound like an insult? If I could do math I wouldn't be working in human resources.
020421 -- ...and the most critical part of your objective is... - mumble mumble mumble - What? - mumble mumble mumble - I'll be right back. I need an interpreter who speaks mumble. - This is Allen. He speaks fifty management languages including jargon,
020421 -- weaselese and mumble. - mumble mumble mumble mumble. mumble mumble mumble mumble. - I'm a bit rusty with the pointy-haired dialect but I think he wants you to line dance in a gazebo.
020422 -- The training budget got slashed. You have to cancel your class. - We already paid for the class. We'll look bad if you go. - So, your plan is to appear smart while secretly being stupid? You can make anything sound bad.
020423 -- It's critical that you finish this engineering analysis by Tuesday. - Aahh...it has the sweet smell of an unnecessary assignment. Yes, I can smell it from here. - Stop being you. Feasibility of using non-existant software. Hee hee!
020424 -- It's a new reality. If you don't like it, you can leave! - Question: How can we leave reality? Aren't we always in it by definition? - Never mind....apparently everyone else knew what you meant. zzzz zzzz zzzzz
020425 -- What a day I'm having. First my key card doesn't work, so I have to tailgate into the building. - Then my network password doesn't work. Now my voicemail doesn't work. - Is it possible for anything else to stop working today?!
020426 -- Do you have a second? Walk and talk. - So, the supplier won't... Hi, Pete. Hey, Tim. Hi, Barb. How are you? Not bad. Hi. - Um...those aren't their names. My way is easier. Hi, Ted.
020427 -- ...and that's why I need a management decision. Hi, Bill. - But you are to distracted to make an informed decision, so this will be random. Bob! - And here it comes. Would "no" be an answer to anything you said?
020428 -- Hey, it's a meeting with our favorite customers! - It's lucky I was passing by. - I don't know what this meeting is about but I'm sure it needs some management perspective. - Out top priority is quality. Our other top priority is price...and
020428 -- service...and... - One Hour Later And that's why circles are round. - We flew here for this meeting and you used up all of our time saying nothing. - YOU STOLE A DAY OF MY LIFE! I WILL HUNT YOU TO THE END OF TIME! REVENGE WILL BE MINE! - Is it
020428 -- just me or is that phrase starting to be overused?
020429 -- I found out that the committee across the hall is doing the same thing we are. - All we can do now is hum "West Side Story" and have a dance-fight. - Can you teach me how to hum?
020430 -- Alice, write a performance evaluation of yourself for me to sign. - What will our seven layers of management be doing while I manage myself? - Sorry. I'll ding myself for that on my evaluation. If you can't find me, have Carol sign my name.
020501 -- Don't E-Mail your answer to my boss until I've reviewed it. Um...okay. - May I walk to my cubicle now or would you like to review the route first? - Now that you mentioned it, I can't release.
020502 -- Asok is the winner of the $25 "Clean Desk Award." - Yesterday the facilities people took my desk because it appeared to be unused. - I hope this doesn't bump me into a higher tax bracket.
020503 -- Write on Alice's performance review, "needs too much supervision." - When she goes to your office to protest, say, "see what I mean?" - Ooh! That was so evil I need to purr with my lips! P-P-P-URRR P-P-P-URRR P-P-P-URR
020504 -- My review says I "need too much supervision." Are you insane?! - Most days I can't get your time-wasting, lard-filled suit out of my cubicle with a freakin' crane!! - GAAA!! It's a trap! You're supervising me too much right now! I win.
020505 -- You need to socialize your idea with the rest of the department. - Socialize? Is that the same as getting buy-in? - It's one step below buy-in. It's more like dialoging for feedback. - Wait...I thought that building a consensus was one step
020505 -- below buy-in. - Just run it up a flagpole and see who salutes. - Wouldn't it be better to do a temperature check using a straw man? - Maybe...but is that going to inoculate the stakeholders? - Dear reader, if you or anyone you love understands
020505 -- the preceding conversation you have my deepest sympathy. S.A.
020506 -- Alice, would you read the minutes from our last meeting? - People said irrelevant things. Bad decisions were made. Men are idiots. - I don't remember that last part. It was implied.
020507 -- I'm giving everyone on my staff this inspirational book about a successful fish market! - I want you to be like the characters in this book. - The title character gets captured, tossed around and eaten. Depressing.
020508 -- I would like to improve my interpersonal skills. - Take this training CD back to your cube and go wild. - Humans are weak. Computers are strong. Come, join our side.
020509 -- My training CD has gone bad. It is brainwashing me to become a cyborg. - Don't worry. Smart people such as you can't be brainwashed to do stupid things. - Guess who doesn't know the first thing about brainwashing.
020510 -- My training CD went bad and brainwashed me to become a cyborg. - Your insurance doesn't cover cosmetic surgery but you can game the system by jumping off the roof. - I hear that the follow-up visits don't get any easier.
020511 -- We can fix our incomprehensible user interface for a million dollars. - Or we can close our eyes and wish real hard that our users won't care. - He's saving a million dollars. What did you do today?
020512 -- This is an outrage! What? - The so-called "Working Lunch" tomorrow! - They're stealing the only free time I have during the day! - They give us some lousy sandwiches and expect us to work during lunch! Bah!
020512 -- IS NOTHING SACRED?!!! - Why doesn't this bother you? - I plan to eat their sandwiches and go to lunch after the meeting. - I...I can actually feel the wind beneath my wings! Sorry.
020513 -- Our CEO is visiting next week. Discontinue all real work immediately. - We have five days to create the illusion of productivity. - Here's the diversity sign-up sheet. We still have a few open slots that only require a hat.
020514 -- Wally, our CEO is visiting next week. I want you to hide in the restroom. - - It's too soon. It's never too soon to start a dream assignment.
020515 -- Have you finished your "Powerpoint" slides for the CEO's visit? - Yes, I'm focusing on all the things we do wrong, because that's what he needs to fix. - Just kidding. There's no useful information. Don't joke!
020516 -- The CEO Visit Would you like a tour of our cubicles? - Why would I want to see a bunch of boxes filled with people pretending to work? - Unless that's the only thing you planned for the first thirty minutes of my visit.
020517 -- The CEO Visit And now Dilbert and Alice will give you a presentation. - I'm curious to hear why that requires two people. - Our department made impressive improvements in...efficiency! +.01%
020518 -- The CEO Visit Thanks for the presentation. Your department seems bloated. - I'll eliminate half of your group in the next budget meeting. Thank you. - What are you going to do? Nothing.  I told him we're the marketing department.
020519 -- If you buy our system it will pay for itself in three years. - Approximately how much does it cost? - It's hard to say. It depends on many factors. - Fine. Just tell me how much money it will save annually. - You'll save $10,000 per year. -
020519 -- Well then, if it pays off for itself in three years, it must cost about $30,000. - That was a little trick called "math." - Ooops. Now I'm not emotionally invested. Your vendor tauntage is quite excellent today.
020520 -- I'd like to you meet our new Senior Vice President, Cyrus the Virus. - Like an infection, he will soon attack the managers in this company and replace us with his old colonies. - Tell Pointy-Haired Pete to get over here right away.
020521 -- I'm demoting you to engineer so I can give your current job to one of my cronies. - I won't survive. I don't know how to do real work! - Wally , can you teach me how to pretend to be working? Whoa! There can only be one Wally.
020522 -- Demoted A cubicle isn't so bad. I can get used to it. - It's perfectly respectable. There's no reason to cry. - How do you like your new "Loser Cruiser"?
020523 -- Demoted Hey Buddy, can you teach me to be one of the little people? - Buddy? My name is Dilbert. I worked for you for years. - Okay, now I'll try. Am I doing the eyebrows right?
020524 -- Demoted I plan to spread rumors about our new boss until I get him fired. - I'll tell everyone that he's the most clueless human that ever lived Hee hee! - Believe me, that doesn't work. I have no idea what you're talking about.
020525 -- Maybe It's a good thing that I was demoted to work among you noble little people. - I have gained a valuable empathy that will serve me well if I ever become a manager again. - You've been promoted. YEE-HA!! I'M NOT A LOSER!!
020526 -- I quit. I got a better job with our competitor. - Okay, but remember the employment agreement you signed. - You agreed to not take away knowledge or skills you acquired at this job. - That's crazy. How can I stop knowing what I learned? Come
020526 -- with me. - Will this hurt? I hope so. - CLAMP suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck - Ha ha!! I got your technical knowledge! And there go your verbal skills! - Great. Now what do I do? I'd stay away from the golf course.
020527 -- Let's ping the Director of Marketing and double-click on the budget. - Then we can interface in batch mode and put a scope on his bandwidth. - Please stop doing that! Have I mentioned that I was an engineer for a week?
020528 -- Ted, your performance is excellent but I have to downsize you. Why?! - Our billing system is so defective that we haven't made any revenue in three months. - Why don't you fire the billing department? I did...three months ago.
020529 -- Wally, what do you expect to find here with a metal detector? - My first choice is some sort of priceless treasure. But I wouldn't say no to a bottle cap. - I finally find my calling in life and I waste all day explaining it.
020530 -- How's the treasure hunt going? Have you found any loot? - It's not about the "loot," as you say. We detectors are motivated by the thrill of the hunt. - I could seed the carpet with nickels. I tried that but I can't find them.
020531 -- Alice, according to this book, people can choose their attitudes! - So you decided to go with a dopey and gullible theme? - And that's another interesting choice. Now I see how this works.
020601 -- I read this motivational book and yet the employees still have low morale. - Maybe you have a defective copy. You should compare it to another one and see what's different. - What if the second one is defective too? Sheesh...it's like I'm doing
020601 -- all of your thinking here.
020602 -- Would you like to join me on a daring commando raid? Sure. - Do you want to know why? Not really. - My Internet provider won't let me cancel by phone or by E-Mail. - The service agreement says I have to stage a daring commando raid on their
020602 -- headquarters. - Does this mask make me look fat? - That joke is overused, Bob. ZAP - The stun gun is in good working order. - Maybe I should carry the stun gun. Don't worry, I'll do you last.
020603 -- If you need me, just page me. - I'll call you right back unless solar flares stop your page from getting through. - And of course you'll have some blockage during high tide, low tide, humidity, and most of your equinoxes.
020604 -- We sure have a lot of vacant offices since the layoffs. - I wouldn't mind having a nice office with an actual door. Why don't you let me have one? - Okay, take one. STOP TOYING WITH ME!
020605 -- I'm moving into a vacant private office. I got the last one. - I hope this doesn't cause ill-will in the cubicle-bound co-workers I'm leaving behind. - All I ask is that when you enter Diltopia, you bow in reference and take off your shoes.
020606 -- Aah...even the desk feels better when you have your own office. - The fluorescent lights are warmer and brighter. - Remind me to teach him when to close the door.
020607 -- The other engineers are complaining because you have a private office. - Maybe you should explain to each of them that life isn't fair. - Yeah, I guess it *is* easier to explain it to one person.
020608 -- I am Mordac the Preventor of Information Services. You have exceeded your server storage limit. - Here's 25 cents so you can afford to double my storage space. - I think my mystique just took a hit.
020609 -- The merger has been approved. - Our evil director of human resources will blend the acquired company's benefits program with our own. - WAAA! WAAA! WAAA! - Apparently, they know what blending means. - The Blending Let's see...my company offers
020609 -- six months of maternity leave for mothers. - We treat 'em like smokers. They have to squat in the parking lot for ten minutes then go back to work. - That's very evil Thanks. We'll adopt your program. - What is "draining"? Our company called it
020609 -- training.
020610 -- To: Employees From: Catbert All non-work conversations are banned. - From now on you're only allowed to talk about work. - I think it only applies during work hours. I can't take that chance. zzz zzz zzz
020611 -- Our new version is a step backward in quality and reliability. - We're counting on your irrational need to have the latest version of every software product. - I hate your weasel guts...but I'll take one for home and one for the office.
020612 -- I'm a new guy with no assignment. I'm looking for a project to horn into. - But don't be threatened by me. I'm exceptionally ineffectual. - I'm trying to build a career based on good attendance and head-nodding.
020613 -- I've learned to appear smarter than I am. - I agree with whatever people say then I reword it to sound more wise. - Please leave my cubicle. Because sometimes less is more!
020614 -- I needed to make an engineering decision about your project this morning. - You'll need to act like you agree with it so I don't look stupid. - Explain to us how fiber capacity can be increased by serial input at breakfast.
020615 -- This is Roboboss. He'll handle all of my trivial tasks. - I'm totally insulted that you think you can manage us with a machine. - Handle that. I'll delegate it to my assistant, Plywoodboss.
020616 -- Wally, I need advice from the master. zzz Huh? - How do you remain so carefree while everyone else seems overworked? - Asok, you are ready to learn my most powerful secret. - Always volunteer to do lots of tasks. That will make you appear very
020616 -- busy. - Later, when someone complains that you didn't do a task... - Say you remember discussing the topic but you don't recall agreeing to do anything. - Offer a glimmer of hope that you might yet do the task if no one yells at you. Then
020616 -- repeat. Wow. - He is like a Ghandi that eats.
020617 -- Stockholders are worried that our profits are nothing but accounting gimmicks. - I'm putting you in charge of destroying all of our accounting records. - That's illegal. Oh. Then just make them more confusing.
020618 -- My boss ordered me to make our accounting records more confusing. Is this ethical? - It's as ethical as the massive shortsell order I'm going to place in the next ten seconds. - Maybe you're the wrong one to ask. NOW! NOW!
020619 -- I need you to be a subject matter expert on my accounting system project. - Will it make the world a worse place to live? I think so. I'm in. - What's it like to be an accounting troll? To be honest, I'm only in it for the groupies.
020620 -- Our assignment is to make our accounting system less transparent. What? - We don't want investors to know what we're doing. Are we bad people? - We're good people who have been influenced by a corrupt corporate culture. Oh, okay. Carry on.
020621 -- As requested, my project team has added impenetrable complications to our accounting records. - And an outside firm is erasing all memories from senior management. How do they do that? - Okay, you're ready to talk to congress. Thank you.
020622 -- I had my cell phone at one ear and my regular phone at the other. - I'm reading E-Mail, sending instant messages, my pager is vibrating, and my boss comes in! - You know what makes your work stories fascinating? What? Nothing.
020623 -- Dilbert, I'd like you to interview Matt for our department. - There's a three-year gap in your work history. What were you doing? - One day I was balancing my checkbook and noticed a bank error. - So I embarked on a three-year mission to make
020623 -- the bank admit its mistake! - I worked the phones day and night, rarely eating and bathing. - Then came the sit-ins, the media frenzy and the landmark court case. - The bank claimed that seven minus four is three. And I'm like, "Since when?" -
020623 -- Would he fit in? Unfortunately, yes.
020624 -- I am Roboboss. You are a valuable asset. Keep up the good work. - That is the most shallow compliment I have ever heard. But it still made me feel good. - So...are you seeing anyone? High five!
020625 -- Roboboss, can this relationship work? After all, I'm a human... - And you're a soulless machine designed to give shallow compliments to employees. - You're giving 110%. Stop...don't make me love you.
020626 -- This survey will help us improve morale. - I misjudged you. I thought you were an evil director of H.R., but you care about morale. - When we fire this disgruntled guy, my morale will go way up. Hee hee!
020627 -- Hey, guy, cheer up. You can choose to have a good attitude! - I just found out I have six months to live. - Maybe I'm saying it wrong. Try reading the book yourself.
020628 -- I'm in a battle of wills with a guy who lets all of his calls roll over my voicemail. - I do that too. So all day long we trade messages saying "call me," and then we ignore the incoming calls. - Maybe he's out of the office. No, I can hear
020628 -- him. He's one cube over me.
020629 -- Alice, you should act as if you're your own boss. Okay. - My hair is pointy and I'm confused. Suddenly I have no respect for myself. - Must...golf...now. That is so-o-o not funny.
020630 -- Dilbert, can you come with me to a meeting? - Actually, no. I'm running this meeting and it took three weeks to get everyone together. - If I leave now, sixteen people will be wasting their time. - I'll cover for you. - You will? Sure. Just
020630 -- leave your notes and I'll take care of it. - What's the meeting about? It's not exactly a meeting. - I need someone to drink the crud on the bottom and then brew a fresh pot. - All in favor of leaving before he gets back. - It looks like I'll
020630 -- be exaggerating my accomplishments again this year.
020701 -- Procurement I need to order a special cable for my computer. - No, that's a piece of rope. Yes, I know it's cheaper. Ooh hoo hoo hoo! - Well, maybe it was a mistake to sign an exclusive contract with a rope distributor. Ooh hoo hoo jerk.
020702 -- My technology test was a huge failure because I had to use rope as my electronic cable. - Our procurement manager is a monkey who signed an exclusive contract with a rope vendor. - I'd rather not take sides until I hear the monkey's version.
020703 -- I call my idea "coffee with the boss." Each employee will get one hour of quality time with me. - I'd rather staple a skunk to my forehead and go to a trade show for banjo makers. - And yet, it's still better than working, so count me in.
020703 -- That's the spirit!
020704 -- You're the first employee for my "coffee with the boss" program. - Feel free to say whatever is on your mind. Don't hold back. Give it to me straight. - My chair has a squeak. YOU UNGRATEFUL WHINY WRETCH!!!
020705 -- I'm having these coffee meetings to find out how I can improve morale. - My only problem was that I wasn't drinking enough coffee with you. So now I'm good, thanks. - Promise me you'll never leave this table. I can't go back to the way things
020705 -- were.
020706 -- I can't tell you how much your budget is. Because if I did, you'd try to spend all of it. - Can you tell me when I'm over budget? No, because than you'd know what the budget is. - Can you tell me what our company strategy is? Sure. It's...Ha ha
020706 -- ha! Just kidding.
020707 -- Does anyone have any ideas for boosting morale? - OOOH! OOOH! OOOH! - This employee potluck lunch that we had last year was almost perfect. - But we only did it once and some people had schedule conflicts. - I call my idea the "permanent
020707 -- virtual individual employee potluck" or P.V.I.E.P. for short. - Every day, each employee brings a small meal in a bag and eats it whenever he gets hungry. - You already do that. And look how happy I am! - Okay. Who is going to organize the
020707 -- P.V.I.E.P.? Alice hasn't helped yet.
020708 -- I'll be taking my vacation in Africa so I can enjoy nature's wonders. - And shoot as much of it as possible from the window in an SUV. - Have you ever seen monkey brains? Once, when you flared your nostrils.
020709 -- Wally, it's your turn to be in charge while I'm on vacation. - But whatever you do, do *not* sit in my chair. It wouldn't be right. - Ooh-baby! You want some of this. Yes, you do.
020710 -- Carol, I'm filling in for the pointy-haired boss, so that makes you my secretary. - I'M AN ADMINISTRATIVE ASSISTANT, YOU STINKIN' BABOON! - I will make you pay dearly for your arrogance! Could you put a head on this?
020711 -- How do you like sitting in for the boss? It's easy. - All I do is walk around and make people loathe me while I avoid making decisions. - That's all you ever did before. Apparently I was grossly underpaid.
020712 -- My first act as temporary boss is revamping our project status color codes. - Red, yellow and green will be replaced by white, off-white and eggshell. - I have to confess, it was embarrassing to realize I only have one idea.
020713 -- I'm refreshed from my vacation. - I am calm and relaxed. Wally sat in your chair. - Cooty Squad We'll have to burn your clothes too.
020714 -- I'll get to your application as soon as I have nothing more important to do. - Okay...thank you very much. - I just thanked someone for doing nothing. - My project is being thwarted by a woman who gets satisfaction from being unhelpful. - Have
020714 -- you tried using your charm? - I guess I can try. Ha ha ha! Just kidding. - But seriously, try hounding her until she recoils in pain at the sound of your voice. - Will that work? Sometimes the best you can do is make other people feel bad.
020715 -- Tina, our records show that you forward an average of nineteen E-Mail jokes per week. - Each joke goes to 30,000 employees, costing us ten million per year in lost productivity. - We plan to blame you when we file for bankruptcy next week.
020716 -- Ha ha! We're filing for chapter 11 because all of our so-called profits are fake. - I'm laughing because I sold all of my stock the same day I heard that our CFO did. - You said he was just diversifying his investments! It sounds funny now.
020717 -- You made a fortune selling your stock options last month, and now we're bankrupt. - My 401K is worthless. So, in effect, you've stolen my life savings. - This would be a bad time to make quote marks in the air while saying, "In effect." Ooh
020718 -- I'm broke. The company declared bankruptcy and my 401K savings are worthless. - No, I've been impersonating you and diversifying your investments into tobacco, sweat shops, and diamond mines. - Really?! How am I doing? It's mixed. You have a
020718 -- 37% return but your soul will burn for eternity.
020719 -- How could our accounting firm not notice that we were heading for bankruptcy? - Maybe there was a conflict of interest with their T-shirt design business. - This one says, "I'm with bankrupt" and it has an arrow. Hee hee!
020720 -- Our accountants are weasels. They let us go bankrupt so they could sell T-shirts that say, "I'm with bankrupt." - Didn't your company make all of its money selling products you knew were defective? - Just stir your cauldron, Mom.  Ironically,
020720 -- we're having weasel soup.
020721 -- Now for the highlight of the staff meeting: the wally report. - Yesterday I was getting my hair styled as usual. - But this time I forgot to remove my glasses, and what I saw was disturbing. - My stylist was using a nose-hair trimmer to cut my
020721 -- hair! - I protested, but she said she's been doing my hair that way for years. - She said it just "seemed right." - Tempers flared. I threw some hair gel. A salon brawl broke out! - Don't we use the same stylist? That would explain why she has
020721 -- a plunger.
020722 -- Wally, what are we going to do now that we're bankrupt and our 401K money is gone? - No problem. I've been investing all my money in our competitor's stock. Now I'm rich. - Why do you still come to work? I don't know how to make coffee.
020723 -- This is a list of our executives who sold their stock before announcing bankruptcy. - My plan is to bring each executive to the roof, hold him by the ankles, and shake. - Ooh, a cat comb!
020724 -- The government is giving us a bailout loan because we have excellent lobbyists! - Ha ha! Taxpayers will give us money so we can build overpriced products to sell to taxpayers! - Remind me again why any of this is legal. Wuss.
020725 -- The Feng Shui in your office is terrible. It is? - That hum...it's the sound of your energy being drained into the Internet. - Who told him that his computer fan is killing him?
020726 -- Did you finish the vendor comparison that you promised you'd give me today? - I'm one of those people that needs to be threatened every day or I won't do anything. - You're very defective. Good start. I'm beginning to feel something.
020727 -- I need your help yelling at a guy to make him do his job. Yay! - YOU WORTHLESS, INCOMPETENT BUG!!! I'LL HAVE YOUR HEAD!!! - How much work did that buy? Two phone calls and a meeting.
020728 -- Are you a member of our frequent grocery club? - No. What is it? - You get a membership card that entitles you to discounts. - Let's see if I have this straight... - I'll be inconvenienced by having to fill out a form and carry your stupid card
020728 -- around... - And in return, you'll put me on a junk mail list, and charge me the same as the grocery store across the street? - AND YOU'LL EXPECT ME TO BE HAPPY ABOUT IT?!! - But it's free! Cleanup on register two...it's engineer spittle.
020729 -- Do you think I should inject a deadly poison in my face to hide wrinkles? - It's only fair that you poison your face, because your face is killing me. Hee hee hee! - The correct answer is "you don't need to." Was your mother a shar-pei?
020730 -- Over the past year, most of my co-workers have managed extensive projects that failed. - I've done nothing but drink coffee. So on an economic basis, that makes me your top performer. - Watch and learn.
020731 -- How's your new baby? - Wonderful, but the lack of sleep is taking a toll on my body. - How's Becky doing? I *am* Becky. Bob looks worse.
020801 -- Starting today, our goals will be replaced by stretch goals. Stretch goals? - Stretch goals are like stretch pants. It's a way of signaling surrender. - Speaking of which, I wouldn't say no to a doughnut.
020802 -- Our budget cuts are affecting customer service. How much? - Our customer service center spends all day making prank calls to the elderly. - According to our records, your neighbor has treasure buried under his lawn.
020803 -- I can't stop dreaming about work. - And I usually sleep at work. So I'm dreaming about sleeping and it's freaking me out. - Have you considered doing work? I want pills, you quack.
020804 -- If there are no objections, I'd like to start the meeting with a prayer. I'm a... - Yea, though I walk through the valley of idiots, I shall fear no downsizing. But I'm... - For I have a fist of death, and highly marketable job skills. - But my
020804 -- investment portfolio isn't doing as well as I'd hoped. - So, if it's not too much to ask... - I need a higher return so I can escape these clowns... - And live in splendor while they stew in their own bile! - Maybe we won't do this again.
020804 -- Whatever you say, heathen.
020805 -- I'm tired of calling the employees "resources". It's too complimentary. - I'm thinking of something along the lines of livestock or human capital. - I don't want them demanding hay. Good point. We'll go with human capital.
020806 -- May I use your three-hole punch? Whoa whoa whoa! - You can't come waltzing into this department, using our stuff and leaving your holes. - I'll clean up the holes. I want you to whack the people on this list.
020807 -- Alice, employees are not allowed to eat in cubicles. - GULP CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP - I'm going to see that every time I close my eyes! - You started it.
020808 -- We have too many empty cubicles. It frightens our customers. - Each of you will adopt an empty cubicle and decorate it to appear occupied. - My imaginary employee will be a Frenchman named Phil De Cube. Nice.
020809 -- Who are you? I'm Allen. I've been telecommuting for four years. - Allen? I fired you four years ago. Didn't you get my E-Mail? - This is exactly why I stopped coming to the office.
020810 -- I telecommuted for four years without knowing until today that I'd been fired. - Apparently unemployment feels exactly like empowerment. - This is just like that movie, "The Sixth Sense." Did you like that movie, Wally?...Wally?
020811 -- Both plans are technically impossible. - Which one costs less? - Um...I don't see how that matters, but plan one is much cheaper. - Plan one is the best. I'll take it to our VP. - I like plan two. Great minds think alike! - Excellent. Ask one
020811 -- of our engineers to present plan two to the board. - Guess what. - Every day I make the world a little bit worse. What's it like to make a difference?
020812 -- I will study the culture in your company and make detailed recommendations. - "The one I call Wally is a docile outcast who eats bananas and drinks brown water." - Do you mind if I staple this tracking device to your ear? Not really.
020813 -- "The females of the group do all the hunting. The one I call Alice stalks her prey." - "She pounces. Her razor-sharp words tear the prey to shreds." grrrr - "The results are gruesome. Only the hyenas are laughing."
020814 -- I've analyzed your corporate culture and put my findings in this report. - "The employees are a bunch of unmotivated weasels. I look good in this hat." - I would have mentioned my knapsack but it's only a summary.
020815 -- I hired the "Amorphous Ad Company" to do our campaign. - I see gaseous cloud and some music...no, just a noise. Excellent. - and then we say the name of our company? Sure, if you want to ruin the ad.
020816 -- Your print ads would look like this. It's a shape with no text. - I did some checking and found out that all the good ideas have been used. This is all that's left. - Can it be green? Whoa! Who's the creative person here?
020817 -- Mom, here's our new commercial. - It gives no information about your products. Are you ashamed or just massively incompetent? - Why can't it be both? I was just making conversation.
020818 -- My pet peeve is when people use cell phones in restaurants. - Why? Do they talk louder than the other people in the restaurant? - No. It's just rude. - Who decides what is rude? Is there a committee? - It's common sense. You're not supposed to
020818 -- talk into electronic gadgets at a restaurant. - What about a drive-through place? Is it okay to order your food using the microphone? Yello. - Hi, Ratbert...yeh, he made the mistake of talking...the goodnight kiss is a definite no-go. - No,
020818 -- it's not awkward, but thanks for asking.
020819 -- Sweet mother of potatoes! I just thought of a billion-dollar idea!! - The company owns all of your ideas. Cough it up or I'll fire you and then sue you. - WAAA! Your first billion-dollar idea is always the hardest.
020820 -- Carol, I'm sending you to an executive bodyguard class. - You'll learn how to pounce on a kidnapper and sacrifice yourself to keep me safe. - I'm talking a class called "Inside Help." I can't reimburse for that.
020821 -- I have mail! I've never had mail in twelve years here. - It's not addressed to me but it was in my box so I'm keeping it. - No mail for twelve years? If I hold it just right it glistens.
020822 -- I've never seen anyone get this excited over a piece of junk mail. - I've never been on a mailing list before. This letter is validation of my existence. - It's not addressed to you. I'll grant you that it's not a clear win.
020823 -- My morale skyrocketed when I received my first-ever item of bulk mail. - I have designated it "WM1" for "Wally's Mail One" and it shall remain forever unopened. - Bulk mail is the same as junk mail. Don't listen to his lies, WM1.
020824 -- And I need the software in a week. Cheryl is the only one who knows the ordering system. - She's on her honeymoon for two weeks. You need CFO approval to buy software outside the system. - Fine. I'll talk to the CFO. When will he be available?
020824 -- Depends on the parole board.
020825 -- Make the blue box bluer. - A little more...a little more...a little more...THAT'S IT!! - When you get tired of micromanaging me... - Put this sample of my blood under a microscope so you can manage me on a cellular level. - And here's a book by
020825 -- Erwin Schrödinger in case you'd like to manage me on a quantum level! - DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING? - Free gifts. - Now I want all of you white blood cells to spell "Hi."
020826 -- What's this? It's our old five-year plan! - I wonder how we did compared to the plan. - Have we relegated Microsoft to the dust heap of history? Shhh! They might hear!
020827 -- I found our five-year plan from five years ago. - The last page says, "at the end of the fifth year, the entire management team will be..." - "...investigated for accounting irregularities." Spooky.
020828 -- Ha ha! I quit, you stinkin' pile of rubbish! - I'm going to work for myself. I won't need to deal with morons like you again! - On an unrelated note, if you need a freelance web designer, pleas call me.
020829 -- H, Bob. I haven't seen you lately. I was doing some evolving. - I noticed I have a zit that's sensitive to sunlight. I'm hoping it becomes an eye. - I like your attitude. Try to sneak up on me.
020830 -- I plan to use punctuated equilibrium to turn this zit into a third eye. - That's not a natural advantage. You'd you'd better stay away from the fitter dinosaurs. - Ha ha! My only enemies are bullysaurs and they... Hey, zit eye!
020831 -- Hello, Bob. I hear you're evolving a zit into a third eye, trying to get an advantage. - Gaaa!! No, it's only for cosmetic reasons, I swear!! Hmm... - Wanna watch a dinosaur be forced to use topical antibiotics? No, I have "TiVo." Gaaa!!
020901 -- Welcome to my quarterly employee feedback meeting. - Who wants to get the ball rolling? - It would be helpful if you told us our company's long term strategy. - OH, would it? - Why? So you can leak it to our competitors? - HERE'S YOUR STUPID
020901 -- SUGGESTION IN MY HAND! I'M CRUSHING IT! CRUSH, CRUSH, CRUSH!!! - NOW I'LL CHEW IT UP SO I CAN SPIT IT IN YOUR CUBICLE-DWELLING FACE!!! - You fell in that trap last quarter too. An optimist's life is never easy.
020902 -- And I need a code for charging my project expenses. No. I hate your project. - It doesn't matter if you hate it. You're the guy who assigns codes. Get out of here. - Why is everything in this company so freakin' hard. Because of people like
020902 -- you.
020903 -- Today I realized I hate everyone in the entire world. - I used to thin I might like some people I hadn't met. But now I think they're weasels too. - How about a wide-eyed and innocent child who loves you unconditionally? Tiny weasels.
020904 -- I'm signing up people for the mandatory mouse training class. - I see you're using a western grip. That's just begging for carpal tunnel. - Weak muscles...I'll put you in the two-handed mouse class. Ouch
020905 -- Mouse Training Who wants to share an opinion on why mouse training is important? - OOH-OOH! PICK ME! - Yes, Wally. No one?
020906 -- Mouse Training Today ou will learn how to avoid premature clickage. - Contort your face and visualize what you look like with a contorted face. - Now pair off and we'll do some finger exercises that I call "The Three Stooges."
020907 -- Our survey of customer satisfaction shows improvement. - The focus group spontaneously attacked our researchers using number two pencils as shivs. - That's an improvement? Last year the attack was premeditated.
020908 -- Carol, cancel all of my meetings forever. - From now on, I plan to stay in my office and manage by E-Mail. - You still need to communicate some things in person. - No, I don't. I can do it all by E-Mail. - Carol, e-mail me the budget. SEND -
020908 -- And now, like magic... DING you have a message - Auto-Reply: Carol is out of the office. - We have a situation here.
020909 -- This is our new CEO, Rufus T. Skwerrel. His first job was trailer park burglar. - But thanks to a series of mergers and acquisitions, not to mention suspicious accounting, here we are. - Would you like to saw a few words? Wallet and watch.
020910 -- I like our new CEO. He has charisma. - The man sure knows how to rob. He's a miracle worker with duct tape. - He even gave me back my emptied wallet. Classy move.
020911 -- Then our new CEO backed up a moving van to the building and robbed us. - At first we thought he was breaking the law, but he had  a written opinion from his tax lawyer saying it was probably okay. - What did the board of directors do? After
020911 -- loading the van?
020912 -- To remind us all of our need to reduce expenses, the new dress code is barrels. - Expect for Friday, which will be casual barrel day. - Has anyone else noticed that the barrel rides up on when you sit?
020913 -- Set up a meeting with the customer so we can demonstrate our technology. - It's humiliating because we're so poor now. What will I feed him? - If you think the food is great, wait until you see our technology?
020914 -- I'm sending you to Elbonia for a meeting, but we're on a tight budget. - So there will be no limo service to the airport. Go there in the cheapest possible way. - And then I started Brownie's Barrel Service. He's a talker.
020915 -- I completed the feasibility analysis. - It would take us two years to build a product that will be obsolete one year from now. - Okay, let's get started. - Um...no, the point is that the project can't succeed. - We want people to think we're
020915 -- developing this sort of product, so we'll be credible in the market. - So our plan is to do stupid things until we appear credible? Exactly. - GAAA!! MY LIFE IS A COMPLETE WASTE!! - Tomorrow I'll ask him why he's behind schedule. Very evil.
020915 -- Nicely done.
020916 -- Elbonia Air I don't see your reservation. - Maybe it's because all of our computers are cardboard props that we stole from a furniture store. - For security purposes, would you care to frisk me? Yes.
020917 -- In Elbonia Excuse me. My boss is cheap; can you direct me to a bad hotel? - I recommend the Bubonic Inn. It is so bad they will pay you to stay there. - What kind of fleas do you want in your mattress? Lazy ones.
020918 -- In Elbonia Yes, my company is so broke that our dress code is barrels... - But what we lack in fashion we make up for in...umm... - Did I already say lack of fashion?
020919 -- Our dress code policy will go back to business attire. - And I will keep changing the dress code until I find the clothing style that makes our profit go up! - Later, At the Sartorial Alchemy Lab Watch out. This might spark.
020920 -- Dilbert, meet a woman who acts peeved at any sort of question. - How are you? poink - HOW AM I??? Wow. I gotta show this to Wally.
020921 -- Grab your dental floss and follow me. I'll explain on the way. Okay. - The newly hired mutant is named "Peeved Eve." Wait until you see her peeved expression hee hee! - GAAA! PUBLIC FLOSSING!
020922 -- Full Service Broker - I'm Bob Weaselton, your full-service stockbroker. - There are two ways we can go here. - Option one: I act as if brokers know which stocks are better than others. - Then I'll earn your trust by comparing your portfolio to
020922 -- misleading benchmarks. - But I prefer a more direct approach. - Option two: I sell you whatever garbage earns me the biggest commission. - Would you do me a favor and lie to me? Nice haircut.
020923 -- I designed the user interface myself. How do you like the colors? - PUKE - Flu? Interface design.
020924 -- You have chronic Mahjobbis Crappus but that's not why you puked. - Have you been exposed to any user interfaces designed by engineers? Yes. - You have interface poisoning. You'll be dead in a week.
020925 -- I have one week to live. I've been poisoned by looking at a bad user interface design. - I see a lot of this. The only cure is to crowd out the ugly memory with images of staggering beauty. - Where would I... Drink it in, baby. And don't forget
020925 -- it.
020926 -- Norma's son finished three projects last year. You only did one. - His cubicle is a double-wide. And his CEO once said Hi to him in the elevator. - Thanks to you, my "Scrabble" night is a living hell. Do you still use counterfeit vowels?
020927 -- Why have you only finished one project at work this year? Norma's son did three. - You can't measure someone's worth by counting the number of projects he does. - Maybe we should track Roi instead. Why, because you're losing?
020928 -- In school, I was always the last kid picked to be on a team. - I need two people right now. I'll take Asok and...I'll keep looking. - So it's like a super power? Pretty much.
020929 -- Tell everyone I'll be there in a minute. sniff - What's all that sniffing about? Do you have a cold? Little one. - mmph - COUCH - GAAA!!! I TOOK A DIRECT HIT! - The cooties are burrowing into my skin. - I'M UNCLEAN!! - I hope that's what
020929 -- motivation looks like. Close enough.
020930 -- Dilbert, I want you to integrate our sales database with our inventory and finance systems. - The managers of those systems are a nitwit, an ogre, and a $#!|%, respectively. - And they know that two of them will be fired when this is complete.
020930 -- I can get that done in thirty years.
021001 -- Our project team is composed of a nitwit, an ogre, and a #$|%! - Which one of them is the nitwit? - You didn't bring donuts. May I eat the nitwit? Yes. Poor guy.
021002 -- My project is stalled because my nitwit hates my ogre, and my #$|%! won't do any work. - My ogre ate my nitwit and my #$|%! is trying to blame me for it. - Do you want to borrow my nitwit? No, I have a requisition in.
021003 -- We provide win-win scenarios and customer-focused solutions. - Uh...okay...but what is the actual product or service you sell? - We don't sell; we partner. I don't buy; I shovel.
021004 -- The Vendor that Couldn't Describe his Company's Product It integrates the resources... - to optimize the performance of technology. Yeah, but what is it. - Hey, if you don't want your resources to be integrated, just say so.
021005 -- Dilbert, put together a team to decide who'll be on the strategy council. - You want me to form a committee to create a committee that will produce a document that will be ignored? - No, it's a team to create a council. Can I be on the team
021005 -- that ignores the document?
021006 -- Wally, it's time for your annual performance review. - None of my usual words fit your situation. - So I had to hit the thesaurus pretty hard. - Your overall rating is "feral." - Your leadership skills are rated "squirrely." - And your teamwork
021006 -- is a solid "coot." - Your long-term potential is to die in the landscaping and become compost. - How'd it go? I wasn't really listening.
021007 -- A survey of your TV ad effectiveness shows that no one has heard of your company. - Your ad only says your name once, at the end of a boring commercial when viewers have drifted off. - I recommend throwing your ad money into a special kind of
021007 -- hole. When can we start?
021008 -- Ratbert, I need you to dig a huge rat hole, so companies can throw money in it. YES!!! - I might share some of the money with you. You had me at "hole." - When should I stop digging? When you smell feet.
021009 -- RAT HOLE May I throw money down the rat hole? Show me your business plan. - You plan pay huge investment banking fees to buy a low-margin, money-losing business... - For an extra fee, I'll push you in the hole and take your money. Oooh, sounds
021009 -- good.
021010 -- RAT HOLE I can't decide if I should throw 25 million dollars down a rat hole or... - ...buy a ride into space on a Russian rocket ship. - What about the poor? Do they have a rocket?
021011 -- Does anyone have a suggestion for reducing our inventory? - Let's sell it to our customers. - Would that work? Feel free to tell the board that it's your idea.
021012 -- My vacation starts in ten minutes. - I tied up all of my loose ends. I only need to walk out the door. - I told a reporter that we designed a computer made entirely of recycled paper.
021013 -- The three pillars of our pyramid are communication, integrity, and teamwork. - Question: Since when do pyramids have pillars? - Answer: Shut up. - Problem: All of my team members are idiots. - If I communicate my honest opinion of their ideas,
021013 -- I won't be a team player. - But if I pretend to agree with their bad ideas, I won't have integrity. - So instead of being a pyramid, can I be a two-legged stool like you? - Wow! That was much better than my pillar question. Aren't I on your
021013 -- team?
021014 -- If we can put a man on the moon, we can build a computer made entirely of recycled paper. - Your flawed analogy shows that other people can do other things. - Maybe you should call other people and ask how they do it. - Maybe they use good
021014 -- analogies.
021015 -- I asked Dilbert to lead the team in making a computer entirely from recycled paper. - HA HA HA!! YOU ARE TOTALLY DOOMED TO FAIL!! - Wally is teaching me to find joy in the misery of others. You're on my project team.
021016 -- zzzzz click click * send - Marketing Someone named Wally is telling us to launch the new product. - Or it might say to eat lunch with a penguin. It has a few typos. I already ate, so let's do the other thing.
021017 -- Can you come to the product-launch party next week? - No, I'll be working day and night for five years to build the product you think you're launching. - Something tells me you don't add much to a party. You haven't seen my mime impression.
021018 -- Does my latest assignment look impossible? - Let's see...you'd need to slow the speed of light, and perfect the art of human clothing... - So there's hope? Eliminate gravity, stop the sun, reanimate the dead...
021019 -- Can you help me weasel out of an impossible assignment? You came to the right place. - Gradually reword the objectives of the project until one day they match what you've already done. - Six Months Later I successfully analyzed the feasibility
021019 -- of discontinuing the project. Success!
021020 -- I did what? - You talked to my boss without my permission. - I don't remember reading a rule against that. - That's because it's an unwritten rule. - Unwritten you say? Hmm...isn't that interesting? I wonder why it's unwritten. - I would think
021020 -- you'd be proud to write down an excellent rule such as that. - But if you prefer to keep transmitting rules by ESP, your skull seems to be blocking the outgoing signals. If you're sending a new rule now, turn your head so it can come out your
021020 -- ear hole.
021021 -- Dogbert the Investment Banker Here's a deal sheet for a company you should buy. - They're defending against a trillion-dollar asbestos lawsuit, and they have no earnings. - But that's okay, because stock analysts don't dig that far into the
021021 -- minutiae.
021022 -- Dogbert the Investment Banker We have all of the elements to make the merger a success. - ...corrupt auditors, corrupt CFO, corrupt stock analysts, greedy bankers and clueless board members. - And you? What are you implying?
021023 -- Dogbert the Investment Banker I hired a weasel to teach you how to answer media questions. - No matter what the reporters ask, always give the same answer: "It will be good for stockholders." - Is it true that you ran over a stockholder in the
021023 -- parking lot? It'll be good for him.
021024 -- I worry that our upcoming merger is nothing but a huge scam on our stockholders. - BUWAHAHA-HAHAHA!! - I mean...it's accretive to earnings.
021025 -- This stockholder is suing us to stop the merger. Go rough her up. - This assignment disturbs me on may levels. Name one. - It will make the holidays tense. blah, blah blah.
021026 -- Mom, you have to drop your lawsuit against my company. They fight dirty. - Bring 'em on! I've been watching my "Tae Bo" videos! I'll dispatch their goons to hell! - They sent me. I'm their goon. After dinner, I'm going Billy Blanks on your
021026 -- butt!
021027 -- Thanks to an epic year of unethical behavior... - We need to do some rebranding  so that no one knows who we are. - I hired the Dogbert Consulting Company to help. - You can't fix your image all at once. I recommend starting with small
021027 -- improvements. - First, rename the company to Stinkingweasels Inc. - The new slogan will be "We Steal in Ways You've Never Even Heard Of." - For your spokesman, I recommend hiring a pirate with a diseased parrot. - No? We have standards. cough *
021028 -- Mom, I'll get fired unless you drop your lawsuit against my company, - Why do you work for a company that's managed by despicable weasels? - They tell me it's because I enjoy the challenge. I demand a DNA test.
021029 -- Dogbert the Attorney Your best defense is to say you were ignorant of your company's stock manipulation. - We need to convince a judge that you're dumber than chocolate pants at an outdoor Las Vegas Photography Convention. - I don't get that.
021029 -- E-e-excellent.
021030 -- I will prove that my client is too dumb to embezzle. - Or, failing that, I'll prove that you're too dumb to know he did it. - Mister Dogbert... Don't get me started about you.
021031 -- We find the defendant guilty and we sentence him to death. - Umm...we haven't deliberated. We haven't even heard any evidence yet. - Okay, so, what I'm hearing is that Leno's monologue is *not* evidence?
021101 -- Dogbert the Attorney Your honor, is it too late to change sides? - After hearing the evidence, I want to punish my client. No? - I expect some awkward silences during the next break.
021102 -- The court finds you guilty of defrauding stockholders. - You will serve your time in a place so horrible that it has no name. - Here's your roomie. burp
021103 -- We need to show more corporate social responsibility. - Okay, I'll cut your salary and give the extra money to poor people. - I was hoping we could hose the stockholders, not me. - That would hurt my stock options. What if we pollute less? -
021103 -- Yes, yes! That's what I'm talking about. We could pollute less! - Okay, take a bucket to the river and see how much of our sludge you can get out. - Where would I put it? - Is it just me or has the coffee improved? Zesty!
021104 -- Pointy-Haired Convict I've got to find a way to bust out out of this joint. - Try walking backward.  -Well, that didn't work...oh, I get it: This is a little joke you play on all the fresh meat.
021105 -- What happened while I was in jail? - Morale skyrocketed, profits soared, and for the first time, life had meaning. - It's just my lick that I'd miss those two days.
021106 -- Here's the temp you requested. - GAAA!!! NO HANDSHAKE! I'M AFRAID OF COMMITMENT!! - I won't need a chair. I like to stand in this position.
021107 -- I'm a temp with a fear of commitment. I keep one foot out the door. - Whatever. Just take care of this for me. It'll take ten minutes. - zip
021108 -- I've developed a new theory of intelligence that I call "Drop-By I.Q." - It's a measure of how long a drop-by visitor will stay in your cubicle when you're trying to work. - One hour and counting. ...and that's why I'm afraid of bananas.
021109 -- Don't give performance reviews on time. - Wait until an employee screws up something big, then pounce! - ...I forgot to unplug the demo unit and it burned down our customer's headquarters. Do you have a minute?
021110 -- And then I would end the presentation with this. - Whoa! I don't like the look of that background color. - Red says danger. We don't want to scare our customers. - Um...okay. How about yellow? - Yellow? Are we saying we're cowards? - What we
021110 -- need  is a committee to set some standards for background colors. - What we need is a meteor to pulverize you three pointy-haired, micromanaging nitwits. - If you didn't move your mouth, how did you get out? It came out of my ear hole.
021111 -- ...and I need it this afternoon. - Forget it! I'm a shorttimer. - I plan to sit in this chair and not move my arms or legs for a week. After that, I'll never work another day! - I hesitate to ask this, but I have an itch in an awkward place.
021112 -- Asok, go get the short-timer and push his chair to my office. Is he injured? - No, he refuses to move his arms or legs until retirement. - Are you a good example of what is called a "piece of work"? Except for the "work" part.
021113 -- The Short-Timer You're retiring soon, so you can give me honest feedback. - Wouldn't that be harder than doing absolutely nothing? - How about if I create the illusion of listening while I fantasize about fishing? Good enough.
021114 -- The Short-Timer How will you leave if you refuse to any major muscle groups until retirement? - I'm hoping someone will buy me a motorized wheelchair and lift me into it. - I would be willing to drag you to the curb. Face up?
021115 -- There's an emergency strategy meeting in five minutes. - I was all warm and cozy in my cubicle paradise. Why must you ruin it? - Can you hear the sound of me not caring?
021116 -- We need a clear strategy. Does anyone have a suggestion? - Let's figure out what makes us the most profit, and then do more of it. - It need to be less clear than that. Can it be illegal?
021117 -- The original schedule looked like this... - One month for a management decision and one year to do the project. decide->do - The revised schedule is this... - One year of indecision followed by intense pressure to do the impossible before the
021117 -- deadline indecision->no way - Now if you'll each take a pair of 3-D glasses... - You can see the layers of management incompetence practically jump out at you. - Now scratch one of these scented cards to sniff the unmistakable odor of doom. - I
021117 -- don't smell anything. Is mine broken?
021118 -- The marketing department wants you to build a device that turns customers into sheep. - Why? So they'll buy whatever we tell them to buy? - To be hones, we haven't given it much thought beyond free wool.
021119 -- My invention will turn people into mindless sheep. - I'm curious how you'll know it works I assume it's mostly a cosmetic change. - Dogbert, did you unplug it as I asked? Couldn't be bothered.
021120 -- A lab accident turned me into a sheep. - It's not all bad. In addition to being soft and warm, I never need to form opinions. - If you want some wool, just grab me and start shaving. I'll barely struggle. Cool!
021121 -- Before we start the meeting, I should explain how I turned into a sheep. - Why do people think their problems are interesting to other people? - I stepped in a puddle. I'M A FRICKEN SHEEP!!!
021122 -- ...and the next thing I knew, I'd be turned into a sheep. - On the bright side, I won't need to remind you to wear a sweater. - I was hoping for advice, not ridicule. No one likes a pushy sheep.
021123 -- You can reverse the sheep effect by signing up for a kickboxing class. - The change will happen quickly, so be prepared.  Umm...okay. - Suddenly I realize he meant "wear pants."
021124 -- I hate today...I hate today. - Wally's annual performance review. - Let's compare your objectives with...what the...? - Apparently your objectives are "play Computer Solitaire and drink coffee." - I hope you're learning a valuable lesson about
021124 -- reading documents before signing them. - Okay, we'll use what we have. How many games of Solitaire did you win? - Win? I didn't know you could win. Is that something new? - He made you the employee of the month? He thinks he signed a warning
021124 -- for my file.
021125 -- From now on, I plan to wear headphones in the office. - I'll be drumming my fingers and humming all day. I might even whistle. - I can't hear you. but I assume you're wishing me luck. Inconsiderate #%*!$
021126 -- OOPS, I DID IT AGAIN... - With headphones I sound exactly like Britney Spears. oops - I'd slap him but I don't want to touch him.
021127 -- The lower left part of my computer screen is defective. May I order a replacement? - That part of the screen is overrated. Try ignoring it. - May I vigorously bang my head on your desk? Sure. knock yourself out.
021128 -- Each of you will get a shirt as part of my war on waste program! - I wouldn't wear that shirt at home or in the office, so what good is... - HONK! Oh. Never mind.
021129 -- I sprained my arm using the TV remote control. - I tried to change the channel and the volume at the same time. - That's why you should always stretch first. Wally, who's your doctor?
021130 -- This is a guess, but I think your doctor is a vet. - I don't know about his military service. I just know he has great cookies. - And I like it when he rubs my belly. I know something you don't know.
021201 -- Dilbert, research this expense and find out what it's for. - It's only $2.37 . - It could take all day to track it down! - I'm a highly trained engineer, not a clerk. - How can you justify wasting a valuable employee like me on a trivial task
021201 -- like this?!! - That reminds me: your project got cancelled. This is your only assignment. - WOO-HOO! IN YOUR FACE!!! - I wonder if he'll find out I spent $2.37 on his "kudos" award.
021202 -- Human Resources is sending a designated firer to do layoffs. - If a stranger approaches your cubicle, it means you're toast! GAAA!!! - Hell-o-o-o, Carol. Can you show me where Ted sits? GAAA!!
021203 -- Hell-o-o-o, Ted. I'm the weasel of layoffs. - If there's any way I can make this experience more humiliating, don't hesitate to ask. - WHY, WHY ME??!! I'll tape a list of your defects to your old chair.
021204 -- Asok, take these project summaries and summarize them into one summary. - And when you're done, take that summary and summarize it. - What is a shorter word for doomed?
021205 -- So I told him to stop making motor noises with his lips. - Get the Scorpion King action figure away from your sister's Barbie!!! - Now she's also typing a personal message with her nose! It's a trifecta!
021206 -- I need you to do Ted's job and your own job until we hire someone. - If I do well, you'll make me do two jobs forever. If I do poorly, I'll get no raise. - I can't promise anything, but there might be some verbal praise down the road.
021207 -- Carol, tell those kids they can't skateboard in our parking lot. - Should I give them a reason, or is this part of your master plan to remove all joy from the universe? - They know about the plan. Fool! I told you to blame your insurance
021207 -- carrier!
021208 -- My vacation was great! - The sunsets were beautiful. The food was amazing. - Descriptions of your vacation serve no purpose. - I can neither see the sunsets nor taste the food. - It appears to be a selfish attempt to trigger happy memories for
021208 -- yourself at my expense. - Okay, Buster! When my seven rolls of film get developed... - YOU'RE OUT OF THE LOOP!!! - That worked out better than I hoped.
021209 -- My magnetic-cancellation wheel will create unlimited free energy. - BUWAHAHA!!! I will use this technology to rule the world!!! - Um...it's not yours. What time are you going to bed?
021210 -- My dream was to someday decompose and become fossil fuel. - But Dilbert's cruel invention will make fuel unnecessary. Now my life has no purpose! - You can be my disposable evil lackey. I-I-I can?
021211 -- We'll artificially boost revenues by selling to our own offshore subsidiary. - Then we'll book our expenses as capital, lie to the media about our prospects, bribe an industry analyst, and cash out! - I know I'm doing something right when my
021211 -- business practices gag a rat. aak aak aak
021212 -- The reporter from moneybags magazine is here. Send him in. - Are you planning to ask my employees if my claims are true? Nah, too lazy. - I credit my success to the foot massages I personally give to each employee. Cover story!
021213 -- I sold my stock and made billions before driving my company into bankruptcy. - Now I do the weasel dance. Hoo-ah! Yee-ha! Woo-woo-woo! - Would it kill you to clap and sing along?
021214 -- Then they rip out your ego and put you in a box until you rot!! GAAA!! - You'll never know if you're dead or if you've simply  envying the dead!! - How was "Career Day"? Kids these days are afraid of work.
021215 -- Dilbert, I want you to write a letter to our new customer. - I'll tell you what to say, then you'll go write it and I'll sign it. - This way I won't waste my valuable executive time. It's efficient. - Yes, that's one possible outcome. Here's
021215 -- another. - You'll keep forgetting to mention important things that should be in the letter. - I'll be trapped in an endless loop of writing, tracking you down, getting criticized and starting over. - Or you could simply write the letter
021215 -- yourself and save us both a huge hassle. - I paragraph one, say something like "Hi."
021216 -- I calculated the impact of work on my health and life expectancy. - At my current workload, do ing two people's jobs, I have...six months to live. - Remind me in five and a half months so I can shop for a card.
021217 -- Estate Planning I expect to work myself to death in six months, so I need a will. - Are you mentally incompetent? - I don't think so. Okay then, I'll remove my name from the list of beneficiaries.
021218 -- Estate Planning You can avoid probate costs by creating a living trust. - So...I can use an inconvenient system created by lawyers to avoid a worse system created by lawyers? - According to my watch, that witty observation cost you four
021218 -- dollars.
021219 -- I'm well on my way to an early death from overworking. - I expect a visit from the grim reaper any day now. - You don't look grim. Unlike you, I love my job.
021220 -- I was a grim reaper until I started taking antidepressants. - I still reap, because I like the work, but I'm not grim. Deat - Am I dead? No, I'm over my limit today, so I'm doing catch-and-release.
021221 -- Technically, I was dead for eight minutes. - I don't know why I wasn't afraid. - Oh.
021222 -- THE ADVENTURES OF PAUL OOSHEN* (*say it fast) - Aaah...the scent of a hog farm in a rainstorm. - Oil for fingers. - Onion sandwich. - Annoying nasal sounds. sniff snort - Leaky coffee mug. I'm ready for my meeting. - YES! YES! I AGREE TO
021222 -- EVERYTHING! PLEASE LEAVE!! - I didn't even need to lean over her keyboard with my sugar doughnut.
021223 -- Come work out with me. We don't have a company gym. - Try having a conversation with Jim the security guard; it's totally exhausting! - ...but a cow is not entirely full of milk; some of it is Hamburgers!
021224 -- I plan to sell an anti-itch lotion that's really just honey. - I'll put a tiny disclaimer on the bottle that says, "might cause itching." - That's not nice. And then I'll sell my customer list to bears.
021225 -- I got a award! - "The 'Family-Haters Association' is proud to give you this award for your anti-family practices." - I hope no one reads it.
021226 -- Quit staring. I overslept and now I have a bad case of bed hair. - I'm confused. Surely it would have gone back to normal after your shower. - Please do not unleash the unhygienic fist of death!
021227 -- Performance Review You did two jobs for a year and did them well. - I have no budget for raises, so all I can offer is an attaboy. - The problem is: I don't want to cheapen the whole attaboy system.
021228 -- I can monitor all employee E-Mail from here. - I'm looking for recently estranged lovers so I can promote one of them over the other. - Why is my new job title a long string of curse words? I win.
021229 -- Carol, call the police. My car has been stolen. - Is it like the last three times that you thought it had been stolen? - And later you realized that you just forgot where you parked it? - No, this time is different. My car is totally gone. -
021229 -- Watch me use my magic powers to make your car reappear in the parking lot. - PRESTO AUTO REAPPEARO!!! - After all the other cars leave the parking lot, your car will reappear. - Freaky.
021230 -- Make your "Power-Point" presentation so boring that our CEO will slip into a trance. - Then I'll whisper to him subliminal suggestions to increase our budget. - More budget. Kill the pointy-haired monster.
021231 -- Bob will demonstrate our new biometric security system. - The system checks for pulse, heat and fingerprints to identify each employee. - It says I don't have any of those things. Are you the one they call Wally?
030101 -- For thousands of generations the males in my family practiced selective breeding. - The goal was to produce offspring that leave no biometric impression: no pulse, no fingerprints, no DNA. - Why? We like to ask "Why not?"
030102 -- My plan is to sell low-cost videophones to dimwitted identical twins. - I'll even throw in free long-distance calling because that's the kind of guy I am. - Gaaa!!! What are you doing at my girlfriend's house???
030103 -- A reporter wants to see you. - He claims we've been delivering all of our garbage to the local park for twenty years. - How is that even possible? The secret is in the spreading.
030104 -- Investigative Reporter Explain why your company dumps garbage in the park. - And why do you drive such a huge, wasteful vehicle? - I need you to scrape something off my tires and take it to the park.
030105 -- Dilbert, I got a new member for your project team. - My name is Ron but everyone calls me Mo. I don't know why. - Mo, why is your shirt on backward? - WHAT??! AGAIN??! - Stand back. I'll try to fix it by quickly turning around. - AAAGH! HU-AAH!
030105 -- - Oh, great. Now Dilbert is gone. I must have entered another dimension. - Please tell me that his pay is lower than mine. I love this part.
030106 -- I need your self-evaluation so I can write your performance review. - Remember to rate yourself on our core values of honesty and integrity. - Wally claims he did no work this year. But he's dishonest, so you can't be sure.
030107 -- All shredders are being centralized at our corporate headquarters. - If you need something shredded, give it to Asok. - Dude, I think he meant you would take it to the shredders. mouth...so...dry
030108 -- How do I make this software schedule one person to two tasks at the same time? - I can write a patch that inserts new months in the timeline. - And the second task is due on the fifteenth of Floopuary.
030109 -- We're going to try something called extreme programming. - First, pick a partner. The two of you will work at one computer for forty hours a week. - The new system is a minute old and I already hate everyone.
030110 -- Extreme Programming I can't give you all of these features in the first version. - And each feature needs to have what we call a "user story." - Okay, here's a story: you give me all of my features or I'll ruin your life.
030111 -- Extreme Programming The two of you will be a code-writing team. - Studies prove that two programmers on one computer is the most productive arrangement. - Sometimes I can whistle through both nostrils. I've saved a fortune in harmonicas.
030112 -- I thought of a great idea. - You could let the project managers manage their own budgets...what? - You're giving me a look. I must try to guess what it means. - We don't do things that way? If it were a good idea you'd already be doing it? - My
030113 -- ideas are poorly conceived? I can't see the big picture?! - GAAA!!! I AM IGNORANT AND WORTHLESS!! - I MUST PUMMEL MYSELF WITH MY OWN TINY FISTS!! ow! ow! - They're kinda self-managed now. - Very evil; I purr in your general direction.
030114 -- The Consultick He'll do more than give us bad advice... - He'll also make sure we can't implement it without him. - Ha ha! Now he's burrowing into my torso, and I've convinced myself it's okay.
030115 -- It looks like you need "Dogbert's Consultant Removal Service." - He's in there good. You must be losing a lot of cash. - It already spread to your wallet. I'll have to operate immediately.
030116 -- I can either save your life or the consultant's life, but one of you will die. - Give us a moment to discuss it. - He recommends that you kill me.
030117 -- The consultectomy was successful, but you lost a lot of cash. - We're giving your wallet a transfusion, bur we had to sedate an unwilling donor. - Whoever thought of happy hour at a hospital ish a geniush.
030118 -- Wally, would you... - Oh...never mind. I see that you're radiating an aura of extreme incompetence. - You forgot to turn off your aura. It takes a minute to cool down.
030119 -- Can your department do this for us? No problem. - Really? It's outside of your normal scope of work and I know you're overloaded. - We're a flexible, client-driven organization! - Wally, how can I avoid projects that are outside of my scope and
030119 -- responsibility? - Cheerfully accept the assignments and then never work on them. - It bolsters your claims of being overloaded while leaving you free for work that matters. - Work matters? Well, not to us. - I'm not even sure what they want.
030119 -- I'll start ignoring it immediately.
030120 -- I work for an unethical company. Does that make me a bad person? - You're a loathsome and despicable. If crud wore shoes, you would be the crud in the crud's shoes. - Why did that seem rehearsed? That's all I think about when we go for walks.
030121 -- I'm putting you in charge of building our new technology lab. - Pick the contractor with the lowest bid. I don't foresee any problems with that strategy. - So, your bid says you'll do the job for "...a chance to gnaw on wood." Too high?
030122 -- Your construction bid is the lowest, so I have to award you the job. - When can your team of highly skilled craftsmen begin? I'll call you. - Day one: My ex-wife set my truck on fire.
030123 -- The project is behind schedule because our contractor is a lazy beaver. - For a while he was making up excuses. Now, he doesn't return calls. What's your plan? - I hope to get him back to making up excuses by promising him more jobs in the
030123 -- future.
030124 -- We need to upgrade our PC operating systems, so we have a stable environment for applications. - Think of it as a form of taxation by an evil shadow government. - Shadow government? That's ridiculous. Shut up and pay me.
030125 -- For only a million dollars, you can upgrade to our newest software version. - Of you can slowly decompose in the miasma of our planned obsolescence. - We can't afford to upgrade now. Say goodbye to the digits three and nine.
030126 -- Dilbert, come here for a minute. - I need to talk to you about...ring ring - He's giving me the "wait" signal. - I have nothing to look at, nothing to fiddle with, nothing to do. - I'll try thinking about how my mind controls my muscles. -
030126 -- Uh-oh...I'm getting too conscious of my muscles and it's freaking me out. - GAAA!!! I'VE LOST MY MIND-BODY CONNECTION!! - The problem with engineers is that they don't idle well.
030127 -- I'm bailing out of your project; it has the scent of failure. - I will attach myself to a more successful host to ensure my survival. - Do you have a pill for someone who gets rejected by Wally? Q loser pill?
030128 -- In response to your continuous harping about not having enough funding... - I hired an expensive consultant to analyze your budget. - I'll have to run some chaos and complexity simulations, but it looks as if you need more money.
030129 -- I call my invention the "Visibuddy." - It's a mindless replica that can attend meetings and increase my visibility. - Am I working hard or hardly working? Do you golf? Nice guy.
030130 -- Your visibility has been excellent lately. What's your secret? - I created a mindless replica to attend meeting. He has no personality whatsoever. - Wow! You look totally real. Hee hee! Burn, dude.
030131 -- Would it be okay if I asked your mindless replica for a date? - I'm full of uninteresting stories and I need a guy who's a good listener. - Now I'll describe the clothing of each person at the cat show. THUNK!
030201 -- We saved money by hiring a guy who's had many personal problems. - But we're sure he was just unlucky; no one would invite that many problems into his life. - Yes, of course your ex-boyfriend can stay with us until the choppers leave and he
030201 -- sobers up.
030202 -- Your budget is wrong. You forgot maintenance. - Why do you engineers always think you're right? - I anticipated your reaction and I came prepared. - Here's a list of every disagreement we've had. - And here are the audio clips of the outcomes,
030202 -- in your own voice. - you're right, Dilbert...you're right...I guess you're right...I'm wrong...you're right...you're right. - Let me see that for a second. - To an engineer, everyone looks like a chimp. oo!! oo!! oo!!
030203 -- It's a mild rash. I'll scribble an indecipherable prescription for you. - What if your bad handwriting causes the pharmacy to give me a harmful medication? - That's a little thing I call marketing.
030204 -- I can't read your doctor's handwriting. - I'll give you this mood-altering drug to make you happy. - I have a skin rash! And it's making you unhappy, right?
030205 -- I'm taking a mood-altering prescription drug to treat a skin rash. - I still itch, but I don't care. In fact, I don't even think you're a huge, stinkin' weasel. - I love you! You da man! Remind me to cancel your health benefits.
030206 -- My project is a flaming death spiral, thanks to you lazy, selfish weasels. - But I'm feeling terrific because I'm taking mood-altering prescription drugs! - I can see by your expressions that my doctor is much better than yours! Hoo-wah!
030207 -- My prescription drugs make me happy, but I worry that it's not genuine happiness. - Ask your doctor for a drug that cures worrying. Then you'll have it all. - It might make you grow an exoskeleton, but you won't care. Cool.
030208 -- My medication makes me carefree and happy, but the side effect is an exoskeleton. - Remember the old saying - "beauty is only bone deep." Hee Hee - But enough about me. I don't want to look shellfish. You had a chance until the pun.
030209 -- My new design will meet all of our customers' current and future needs. - That's no good; they'll never need to upgrade. - Please don't ask me to put flaws in my design. - Flaws would work. We need flaws. Flaws, flaws, flaws. - Please...no... -
030209 -- Make it freeze every hour. The interface needs to be more confounding. And.. - Later Please...no more. ...and crippling electric shocks. - Much, much later The help screen could recommend marrying an unemployed, shirtless guy with a mullet. *That's*
030209 -- marketing!
030210 -- My medication makes me happy despite my Exoskeleton, bad job, and social life. - If chemicals can change the way I think and what I enjoy, then free will must be an illusion. - What about your soul? I'm an engineer.
030211 -- I heard you had a cold. It wasn't a cold. - I was addicted to prescription drugs and I grew an Exoskeleton. I've been in Rehab and surgery for six months. - Just to be clear: Can I catch any of that by touching the coffeemaker after you?
030212 -- Evil H.R. Director I need to check a few things before we hire you. - Give me blood, hair, and urine samples, fingerprints, social-security number, past employers, and past lovers. - Before we started doing all of this checking, did you know
030212 -- that everyone in the world was despicable?
030213 -- Evil H.R. Director Evil ring - I'm sorry, I can't give references for ex-employees. - But if I did, it would rhyme with "mazy loron."
030214 -- From now on, I want you to stagger your lunch hours so someone is always here. - Gaaa! As the lowest person in the pecking order, I will never know in advance when I can eat!! - Sheesh, take a pill. It is the end of errands as I know them!!
030215 -- The good news is that half of you will get huge raises. - The bad news is that half of you will be downsized tomorrow. - Is it the same people? Yeah, we ran the numbers.
030216 -- Do you want to watch a numbing? You know I do! - Where is it? Cubicle 1S950. - Are you going to the numbing? You know we are! - What is a numbing? - It's the moment that an employee's brain numbs to the pain of working here. - It's actually
030216 -- quite beautiful. No two are alike. - I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!! GAA!! GAA!! OOH What the...? - It's okay - he's in a happy place now.
030217 -- ring Excuse me while I take this call. Okay. - Excuse me while I hate your inconsiderate guts. - No, nothing important. Excuse me while I imagine crushing your head.
030218 -- Catbert: Evil H.R. Director From now on, the company will allow flex time. - You can work any hours you like, as long as you're here from eight to five. - That's called unpaid overtime. And you need to be flexible to do that to yourself, right?
030219 -- If you hire me, I'll work a hundred hours a week and never ask for a raise! - I went to school at a top-secret facility for super geniuses; that's why it's not on my resume. - And I'm sure it's all true because he says he's honest! Apparently
030219 -- it doesn't take one to know one.
030220 -- My fantasy is to own a luxury motor coach. - I'd drive it to work and sleep all day in the parking lot. It would be like paradise. - That's your best fantasy? It would also have a TV, in case I woke up.
030221 -- Do you have any customer references i could call? Right here. - beep beep boop beep R-R-RING  - No answer. r-r-ring Try again when I'm in the parking lot.
030222 -- We'll save money by outsourcing our I.T. function. - Then we'll save more money by replacing our outsourcing with full-time employees! - When it's time for us to panic, will there be a warning sound, or was that it?
030223 -- Carol, come to my strategy meeting. - You're only a secretary, but I value your input. - I'M AN ADMINISTRATIVE ASSISTANT!!! - Chip. Bad secretary. - Does anyone have any strategic ideas for global domination? - The engineers keep using our
030223 -- coffee filters as popcorn bags. That has to stop. - If you ordered enough filters, I wouldn't need to use the foot of my pantyhose to make coffee every day! - I'm adding that to the list of thing I don't want to talk about.
030224 -- I have an assignment for you that has no value whatsoever to the company. - For reasons of company politics, I need to pretend I'm doing something in this area. - So, you're doing *actual* work. What's that all about?
030225 -- I have an appointment to see a demo of your new product. - And the unit will be in a case like this, but completely different, and it will have software, once we write it. - You let me travel four hours to see an empty case? Are you forgetting
030225 -- the blank CD?
030226 -- How often would would you charge us this "annual fee"? - Is that a joke? Sadly, no. - Once a month. Sounds fair.
030227 -- Dilbert, meet your new co-worker, Toxic Tom. - He complained about his last job all through his interview. But he'll be happy here. - He says he thinks you're stupid because you ask too many questions.
030228 -- The Toxic Co-Worker You wouldn't believe what people are saying about you. - I tried to defend you. I said you look slow only because you're bloated. - But what ticks me off id that everyone in the department earns more than you do.
030301 -- We demand that you fire our toxic co-worker. - You aren't talking about me, are you? - No, you're intellectual with an overlay of selfish. And I hate the toxic guy?
030302 -- This is Dogbert's Tech Support. How may I abuse you? - Finally!! It took me an hour to penetrate your inscrutable audio menu system! - Then I waited in queue for forty minutes! - My problem is that my computer keeps freezing...not so fast. - I
030302 -- need to know your name, address, phone number, operating system, E-Mail address, serial numbers, software versions and video drivers. - Then I'll put you in queue for the low-level technician who can only tell you to reboot. - He'll ask you the
030302 -- same questions for reasons that will baffle you. - But eventually you'll solve my problem, right? Sure, if your problem is too much optimism.
030303 -- You don't respond to my E-Mail anymore. - When I reply to E-Mail, it attracts more E-Mail. I'm trying to break the vicious cycle. - Well...I'll leave you voice-mails. Let me know how that works out for you.
030304 -- Our facilities management says the new statue by the front entrance isn't a statue. - It's an unlucky guy named Karl who had been warned many times not to feed the birds. - Then it talks about statistical clustering...blah, blah, blah...and
030304 -- serving as an example.
030305 -- I've decided to add chronic lateness to my repertoire. - I'll start with the classic excuses: car problems, traffic, and misplaced items. Then I'll branch out. - You're the mayor of Loserville. Don't jinx it.
030306 -- A man from "Loser Magazine" wants to see you. - He said something about featuring you on the cover. Send him over. - I tried, but he keeps going into the break room and napping. I hate show-offs.
030307 -- Wally, I'd like to interview you for "Loser Magazine." Okay. - Do you have a pen? Wow. These are easy questions. - I mean, may I borrow your pen? No, you look like a chewer.
030308 -- Your story is perfect for "Loser Magazine." - It makes me wish I'd written it down because I'm already forgetting...oops, it's gone. - I'll just make up something that sounds good. And I'll use photos of a model. Thanks, Willy. I'm famous!
030309 -- I call my invention the "Eargarette." - It's a cigarette for your ear! - It allows non-smokers to take smoking breaks. - Is there any downside? What? - Never mind. - We've been working for fifteen minutes straight. I need an eargarette break. -
030309 -- What? What? What? - Ear mint? Two, please.
030310 -- Would you like to buy some life insurance? - Exclusions: self-inflicted wounds, pre-existing illness, criminal acts, war, dangerous sports, smoking... - Much Later That Day ...and pistol duels resulting from quilting bees. No one reads it,
030310 -- freak!
030311 -- Carol, where's my ten o'clock? - He said he'd be late because you're a moron and he doesn't respect you. - Did you tell him I was stuck in traffic? It's not always about you.
030312 -- Why isn't my cell phone working? - That's a short-range cell phone. You need to be in the same room with the person you call. - Answer the stinkin' phone, Alice. Why are you listening to a TV remote control?
030313 -- Wally has been researching Greek words to name our new product. - All I have is Zeus, and Parthenon, and the word "Greek" itself. - I understand they have a word for a sports event, too. I'm trying to track that down.
030314 -- My company is moving to a "Just In Time" inventory strategy. You'll deliver when we need it. - So...your success depends on my company doing what it promises? You have my deepest sympathy. - I feel a sharp, stabbing pain in my chest. And so it
030314 -- begins.
030315 -- A customer keeps asking when we'll deliver the stuff they bought. When will we? - Never. You lied to them to get their business. - You took their money and gave them nothing. Do you know what that makes you? The winner!
030316 -- I see some new faces. Let's go around the table and introduce ourselves. - I am Asok, the intern. - I report to you. - But I also report to Alice on a dotted line. - And I report to Carol on a fuzzy, thin line. - I have a blinking, irregular
030316 -- line to Wally, and a wavy, brown line to Dilbert. - Pleas...make this stop. - And a disturbing, imaginary line to a food-service cashier who touched my hand while giving change.
030317 -- Let's brainstorm ideas for "Employee Morale-Enhancement Day." - We could play "Pin The Tail On The Pointy-Haired Weasel Whose Breath Smells Like Feet." - We might need more morale-enhancement days. How about this weekend when I'm not here?
030318 -- Marketing Genius We designed a rebate program that won't cost a penny. - The rebate process is an impenetrable fortress of unclear instructions and physical impossibilities. - Next we have to find the hidden 300-digit serial number and write it
030318 -- in a box that's half an inch long. Stinkin' weasels.
030319 -- The department that cuts costs the most will get our CEO as its secretary for a day. - I'm deeply offended by the implication that my job is so trivial that it can be used as a prize. - Maybe you can train him to phone your kids and yell at
030319 -- them. NOT FUNNY!!
030320 -- Our department won the cost-cutting contest, so our CEO will yo your job for a day. - I feel like a failure...darkness fills my days...I dream of the grave. - This is less motivating than I'd hoped. I'll never be loved again!!
030321 -- I'll design the system as soon as you give me the user requirements. - Better yet, you could build the system, then I'll tell your boss that it doesn't meet my needs. - I don't mean to frighten you, but you'll have to do some actual work.
030321 -- That's crazy talk.
030322 -- I can't start the project because the user won't give me his requirements. - Start making something anyway. Otherwise we'll look unhelpful. - So, our plan is to cleverly hide our competence. You think too much.
030323 -- Jimmy will explain our new marketing strategy. - A study of past customers shows that 96% of them have flu symptoms. - Apparently, sick people are the most likely to buy from us. We don't know why. - So we redesigned our ad campaign to appeal
030323 -- to sick people. - You're confusing cause and effect. Your study shows that our products *mak* people sick. - Alice, let's not reinvent a dead horse. - Suddenly nothing makes sense...I must have slipped into the meeting duh-mension! - This
030323 -- usually lasts about ten minutes. Floating...scared...darkness...
030324 -- There's no budget for your project; you need to tin-cup it. What? - Be like a beggar and aske ach department to give you a bit of their budget. - Well, now that you've laughed your guts out, do you feel better? ERK!
030325 -- They believe in Feng Shui. They believe in the pet psychic. - This suggests an excellent new career for me. - The furniture psychic is here. He says my wastebasket is in love with my desk.
030326 -- Furniture Psychic Your old chair has passed to the other side. - He says you'll know what this means: "squeak, squeak." YES - Your desk says, "thanks for the gum." I need closure!
030327 -- You have to stop telling people that you can talk to furniture. It's not right. - You work for a company that actively misleads customers. How's that different? - We call it marketing, and we don't wear hats. The table says you're a hypocrite.
030328 -- I took the initiative and made a list of people you could downsize. - This is just the department phone list with your name covered up. - That's the sort of efficiency that kept me off the list.
030329 -- You fool! How could you be so stupid? - You fool! How could you be so stupid? - You stupid coffee mug!!
030330 -- Our CEO will be joining us in a minute. - As usual, he'll be making an awkward attempt to seem like "just plain folk." - Excuse me - is this ordinary chair available for an average guy like me? - I'll roll up my sleeves and get to work. I'm not
030330 -- too good for real work. - I have a secretary, but it's almost as if *I* work for *her*. Ha ha! It's ironic. - Last weekend I wore blue jeans and drove a tractor! - Sir, your helicopter is here to take you to your island fortress for the fox
030330 -- hunt. - Itty bitty fortress. The interns are already in full fox costumes.
030331 -- Dogbert the Headhunter Let me tell you how good my CEO placements have been. - An astonishing fifty percent of them have performed better than the other half! - If you're on a budget, I recommend one of our stuffed CEO units with a "Magic 8
030331 -- Ball Head".
030401 -- Dilbert, meet your new team member, Peri Noid. - Why haven't you invited me to a meeting? Who's filing your head with lies? - Your hand is soft and clammy! Are you the undead?!! Engineer.
030402 -- Peri Noid We'll have the data by Tuesday. How do you know that? - You must be getting invited to meetings and then saying, "don't invite Peri." - Would it be wrong to enjoy this opportunity? PLOTTING!! RIGHT THERE!!!
030403 -- Repair defective co-workers. - She's paranoid about not being invited to meetings. Can you fix her? Nope. - Can I trade her in? Would you like a liar, a moron, or a whistler?
030404 -- You can't repair a defective co-worker. - The best you can do is trade for a co-worker whose defects you haven't yet discovered. - What's wrong with this one? He parts his hair in the middle; that's just wrong.
030405 -- Carol, this is our new guy, Harry Middlepart. - I don't approve of your hairstyle. I forbid you to be near my workspace. - She's not good people.  THE SEVENTIES CALLED. THEY WANT THEIR HAIR BACK!!
030406 -- Who left their pen at my desk? - I'd better send a companywide E-Mail to find out. - It's blue, with black ink. It's approximately a year old. send* - I can't believe you're wasting everyone's time with this! - Stop using the "reply to all"
030406 -- feature, you morons! - Wait...I think this might be my pen. I'd better send a correction. - We missed a bid deadline because our E-Mail system was overloaded. Layoffs. - Send this list to human resources. Do I look like I'm made of time?!!
030407 -- This is Dogbert the Headhunter. I noticed that your company's stock is up today. - As CEO, you can take credit for random upturns and make millions by changing jobs. - Ha, ha! Yes, it's legal. In fact, if you write a book, your victims will buy
030407 -- it!
030408 -- Dogbert the Headhunter We'll need to reword the CEO section of your resume. - For example, there's never a right time to use the word "plundered." - And instead of "suckers ignored our P/E ratio," say you "enhanced stockholder value." Wow.
030408 -- You're good.
030409 -- You need a body double. They're popular with the most successful despots. - If someone tries to ambush you into making a decision, the double will take the hit. - I want you to think of this as your own personal dress code.
030410 -- Asok, as my new body double, your job is to walk into ambushes. - If someone tries to trap you into being helpful, do what I would do. - What would you do? I'd get a body double.
030411 -- I'm leaving early, in case I have a dental appointment or whatnot. - Walk amongst the cubicles until 7 P.M. and scowl at anyone who isn't working. - Nice scowl. I feel slightly menaced.
030412 -- We named the product "Generous Mistro" because it conducts an orchestra of data. - Can you believe the domain name "Geneousmistro" wasn't already been taken? - Is the spelling meant to be ironic? Why do you ask?
030413 -- I'm taking my business case to some venture capitalists. - I'm hoping that their wisdom and resources will make it a billion-dollar company. - Would you like some free stock? BAH! - What would I do without the support of my loved ones? - What
030413 -- would the cash flow look like if... - ...revenue was zero, Microsoft and IBM entered the market, your factory burned down and a piano fell on your head? - And what about civil unrest, lawsuits, natural disasters and locusts? - ...then the little
030413 -- one slapped me. Now re-e-el them in.
030414 -- Our VP is mad because people are leaving work too early. - If you need to leave early, don't walk past his office. Go to the roof and leap into the "dumpster" in the alley. - Leadership triumphs again.
030415 -- A co-worker who shall remain nameless has accused you of unspecified shortcomings. - Your accuser has been placed in the witness protection program. - You have a program for that? Actually, I just forget who says that.
030416 -- Asok, your work has been excellent all year. - I'm rating you "poor" so I'll have a paper trail in case I ever need to fire you. - You'll probably feel a a little surge of motivation because you got feedback.
030417 -- Dilbert, this is Irene. I don't yet know what her defect is. - STOP BEING RUDE TO ME, YOU PIECE OF DIRT!!! - I'm thinking: mood swings. - We're like family now.
030418 -- You're an engineer; maybe you can tell me what kind of digital camera I should buy. - Would you ask a doctor for free advice? - I got a complete physical by the appetizer. Yeah, I'm never off duty.
030419 -- So Ted has been training you for the past six months. - Based on your work, I'd say he's playing the world's longest practical joke on you. - Sometimes there's a fine line between criminally abusive behavior and fun.
030420 -- Here's your script for the meeting. Script? - My boss sees me only twice a year. I want everything to go smoothly. - In act one, scene two, when I proclaim my admiration for your leadership... - What's my motivation? - Employment. Good, good. -
030420 -- And it would help if your eyes were moist when you deliver the line. - I'll put a sliced onion in my shirt pocket. - Hello, underling, how is your morale?
030421 -- You're creating a hostile work environment. - It's like there's continuous pressure on me to work. - But I'm only one person; I can't work and drink coffee! I'm cutting you back to forty cups a day.
030422 -- Wally, I'm sending you to a coffee rehab program. GAAA!!! - They'll get you down to forty cups a day. Not double digits!!! - YOU MONSTER!!! I WON'T SURVIVE!!! If you're lucky.
030423 -- Coffee Rehab No soda, no tea, no chocolate. - You're allowed one piece of luggage and you have to carry it yourself. - I might want to take a look inside that bag.
030424 -- Coffee Rehab State your name and how long you've been without coffee. - I am going to rip off your little beard and beat you to death with it. - Don't panic...wait...wait... And then I'll...um...zzzzzzz zzzzz zzz.
030425 -- Wally, congratulations on finishing the coffee rehab program. - Our recidivism rate isn't too hot. Our critics blame our location. - Starbucks World Headquarters Who's swimming in our vat?
030426 -- Our breakthrough came when we distributed the processor load. - It's about time that you took my advice! Hallelujah! Good for you! - If laser pointers were light sabers, you'd be looking for your torso. Ha ha! You're using my joke! Good one!
030427 -- We've expanded our customer disservice program. - ...doubled our unhelpful technical support advice. - ...stretched our telephone hold times to lethal dimensions... - ...and cleansed our online support database of all useful articles. - Our
030427 -- goal is to force customers to form support groups. - Over time, with luck, we'll train customers to do our manufacturing and shipping, too. - May I train a customer to do my job? Sure. - So...what do I do? You're doing it.
030428 -- How many business cards should I order? It depends. - I use a complex formula based on your burn rate and your likelihood of getting downsized. - I use about three per week. You'll need three cards.
030429 -- I'm seeing signs that I might get laid off. - It's probably your imagination. Just ignore them. I have to admit that I like it when they're jumpy. --->You might be next.
030430 -- You can survive the next round of layoffs by sacrificing a co-worker. - You must make your boss believe that someone is a worse employee than you. - Ted, let me explain revenue: it's like your embezzlement, but it's directed at customers.
030501 -- I have an unimportant project, so I thought of you. - Find a bunch of inspirational quotes that we can put on the lobby walls. - "If being an eagle is such a good idea, why are there so few of them?"
030502 -- I've been asked to collect inspirational quotes for the lobby wall. - Get out of my cubicle, you freakish waste of carbon. - That'll look good over the elevators.
030503 -- As requested, I pulled together some inspirational quotes for our lobby wall. - Hannibal Lecter...The Donner Party...uh...Wally, most of these people are cannibals. - It was probably a mistake to do this assignment on an empty stomach.
030504 -- Wally, can you teach me to work smarter, not harder? - Grab an important-looking document and follow me. - Walk briskly and pretend to be angry about what you're reading. grrrr... - Hey, Asok, would you help me...? grrr grrr Never mind. - As a
030504 -- rule, people try to avoid anyone who has more problems than they do. - Lesson two: make sure your shirt and your toothpaste are the same color. - This baby is covered with toothpaste stains, but you'd never know it. Wow! - And how often do you
030504 -- need to launder a shirt that smells minty? NEVER!
030505 -- I think my head is getting heavier from all the new thoughts. - I plan to compensate by propping it up with my arm during meetings. - Some people think you have no goals. - Long term, I hope to be a stamp.
030506 -- Elbonia has gotten a bad reputation. We need your help to rebuild our image. - The problem began when we discovered a civilization of leprechauns living under the mud. - Now they're our primary export. But we underestimated the vegetarian
030506 -- backlash.
030507 -- P.R. for Elbonia The media give you a bad rap for exporting leprechaun meat. - Our ad campaign will feature a leprechaun explaining that they enjoy being eaten. - Elbonians are our best friends. Now excuse me while I tenderize myself.
030508 -- P.R. for Elbonia You need to buy some influence in Washington. - It sounds expensive, but it's a lot more affordable than you'd think. - Gum? You got *my* vote!
030509 -- Double the revenue estimates and make sure the research supports it. - But...but...it's too late! The research is done, and it won't support higher revenue! - Your stress is from a combination of drive-by management and a flashlight in your
030509 -- eyes.
030510 -- I'm a victim of drive-by management. - He sprayed my cubicle with irrational orders and waddled away. - Heh-heh, waddle is a funny word. I feel your empathy slipping away.
030511 -- Uh-oh...don't make eye contact with that guy. Why not? - Ernie is an unpackageable. - Last year, the company offered a generous severance package to people who volunteered to leave. - Ernie volunteered. He imagined a life of retired bliss
030511 -- outside this company. - But too many people volunteered. In a cruel twist of fate, Ernie was forced to keep his job. - Now he's nothing but an organic vessel for transporting self-pity. - I COULD HAVE BEEN FISHING!!! WAAA!!! - You looked? I
030511 -- tried to warn him.
030512 -- Write a rebuttal to this technical recommendation so I can reject it. - I can't write a rebuttal to my own recommendation! - ...the I  had to write myself up for insubordination. Mock yourself and go to bed.
030513 -- I've hired Phil, the ruler of heck, to act as devil's advocate. - I'm not certified to do devil's work. The best I can do is roll my eyes and be sarcastic. - Okay...moving on... Oh yeah, this is a good time to move on.
030514 -- The corner cubicle opened up. I plan to make it mine. - That's right: I'll be sitting in the most prestigious cubicle in the entire row! Fear me! - Buwaha!! From there I will control the window shades and harness the sun! Please...no screen
030514 -- glare.
030515 -- Alice moved into the corner cubicle and claimed control over the window shades! GAAA!! - Our life support systems will be in the hand of a mad-woman! Maybe she'll be kind. -
030516 -- Alice, I understand you've been using a giant magnifying glass as a death ray in the office. - It's not a death ray. I use it only to burn off toupees. Oh...that's okay. - Is your head too warm? My head is too warm.
030517 -- Question: How do you know which management techniques work best? - Logically, doesn't the existence of thousands of management books show that no one knows what works best? - The trick is knowing which one to read. Now you're just making me
030517 -- mad.
030518 -- CATBERT The Evil Director of Human Resources Hello, headcount. - Am I fired? No, no, no... - I'd never fire you for making unflattering comments to the press about the company. - Really? Everyone said you're evil. - Heh, heh, thank you. But all
030518 -- I'm doing is transferring you to a new job. - Gee, that doesn't sound so bad. What is it? - Our new assembly line is seven inches too low. You job is to fix it. - I'm living for the weekend.
030519 -- I just realized that my career primarily consists of asking you for stuff... - ...and wondering how long I should wait before I remind you. - Do you know how that makes me feel? How what makes you feel?
030520 -- We can't afford to hire qualified employees. - My plan is to hire dumb people and be angry at them. - I forget - what's the word for pretending that people can change their basic nature? Motivation?
030521 -- Long term, I hope to convince our boss that I have the power to become invisible. - Then I can just sit home and get paid. Oh, it will be sweet. - Wally? Is that you? Right in front of you.
030522 -- My job is not stimulating my mind. - If you want to have tigers, you must feed them tiger meat. - But that is only an analogy. Please do not make me eat a zebra.
030523 -- I fired our plant-watering service and hired a less expensive one. - That's the sort of leadership that will turn this company around. - Were we doing well? Our plants are plastic.
030524 -- You've got to focus on execution! ? - I think he wants me to execute people. Make it look like an accident. - From now on, my staff meetings will be two hours long.
030525 -- I have some good news for you! - The paperwork for your promotion just came through. - There were fifty good candidates for this job. - It's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. - Most people in our specialty are destined to be low level lackeys
030525 -- forever. But not you! - Um...my name is Tim. This promotion is for Tom. - Oh...well...being a low-level lackey forever is good, too. - Could you tell Tm I have some good news?
030526 -- Can you summarize this on one age for our CEO? - Yes, but it will obliterate the persuasiveness of the document and cost us billions in lost opportunity. - I see you point, but being wordy is bad, too.
030527 -- Let's offer employees unpaid vacation time, as long as their managers approve it. - Then we'll downsize any work group that uses it, because it proves they're overstaffed. - Excuse me while I hug myself and purr. Take your time.
030528 -- Our products got reviewed in the new issue of "Extortion Magazine." - "If they had bought more ad space in this magazine, we would not compare their products to week-old spit." - It's better than last month. I'll bet we can get to "day-old" with
030528 -- another half-page ad.
030529 -- Ring Ring Ring - Emergency, you say? Crisis? - I'm losing my faith in coincidences.
030530 -- The new product brochures have already won design awards! - That's great, but our product won't do any of the things you claim here. - Well, who should we believe - The award-winning designer or the guy who can't stop complaining?
030531 -- We might want to scale back some of the claims in our new product brochure. Which ones? - For example, where it says, "provides diplomatic immunity against all current and future felonies." - That's just poetic license.  - "Turn used motor oil
030531 -- into root beer."
030601 -- Bob, can I have your revenue projections? - No, I'm reading my E-Mail. I can't do two things at once. - But I offer you this song instead. - Ohh-waa-waa! I'm single-task Bob I'm single-task Bob - I CAN'T MULTITASK I ONLY DO ONE JOB - JUST GIVE
030601 -- ME THE STUPID BINDER THAT'S ON YOUR DESK!! - Sue, and I guess my E-Mail can just read itself, right? - Reading goes quickly when you don't slow down to comprehend.
030602 -- The trap door will work with your "Open Door Policy" to eliminate the whiners. - Disgruntled employees will be safely dropped into rush hour traffic. - I need to remember that's there.
030603 -- I plan to open a gambling casino for people who have extraordinarily bad luck. - How can you tell who has extraordinarily bad luck? - They would be the ones that go to my casino.
030604 -- Gaming Commission - My concept is a casino exclusively for morons. - Imagine a room full of oblivious dolts, and I'm taking advantage of them for personal gain. - When would that concept begin? About a minute ago.
030605 -- Catbert: Evil H.R. Director I'm reminding everyone that layoffs can improve morale. - Layoffs prove that management is capable of making tough decisions to turn things around! - You're right! I do feel more optimistic now! Secondly, you're
030605 -- fired.
030606 -- Senior management knows they need to retain key employees during hard times. - That's why they're giving themselves huge retention bonuses. - So, they're blackmailing themselves? You can make anything sound bad.
030607 -- The future of the company depends on new product revenue. - Question: is that why you slashed the research and development budget? - If you're so smart, let's see *you* describe our future without using the word "doomed."
030608 -- Career Counseling I love to hear myself talk. - But I don't like it when people roll their eyes and go "phhht." - I'd like a job where people are forced to nod and smile while I babble. - And I'd like to punish people for my own mistakes. - I
030608 -- recommend a career in management. - Just to be sure, I'm going to give you a management aptitude test. - Hey, I have an idea. Maybe I should pursue a career in management! - Congratulations! You just have passed the management aptitude test.
030608 -- Yes!
030609 -- We have the highest profit margin in our entire industry! - - Apparently I'm not supposed to say that in front of our customers.
030610 -- I want a husband who cooks and cleans and raises the kids while I pursue my career. - To me, that sort of man would be a total turn-on. - Yoo-hoo! Who likes lemon wedges?
030611 -- Bobby, I'm looking for a stay-at-home husband to support my career. - I'm sorry - I was thinking about chocolate, and I didn't hear a word you just said. - This will take some work. Br-r-r-r. I'm cold. Now I'm hot. Now I'm cold!
030612 -- If we married, would you mind being a stay-at-home father? - I love children. That would be a very rewarding lifestyle. - Okay, now imagine that there aren't any kids and you're basically my unpaid servant. Could I iron?
030613 -- Would it be wrong to marry a man for his homemaking skills? - Do a present-value cash-flow comparison of marriage versus the equivalent service from trained monkeys. - It's not you...it's me...and a world-wide oversupply of monkeys.
030614 -- Let's see...your defects are discussed in chapter 23. - I'll give you a photocopy so you can see how to fix yourself. - Books are full of information.
030615 -- It's not just my desk; it's the chair, too! - Dilbert, come here! - Everything in my office feels clammy. - I first noticed when I touched my phone...then my mouse. - All clammy. What could that mean? - It could mean that your hands are clammy.
030615 -- - You must never speak of this. - Have you ever noticed that everything you sit on feels like underpants?
030616 -- I need you to go on an international sales call. How should I dress? - Salespeople should dress one level above the customer. - What's better - the cherub or the lightning bolt? Take both. You can't overdress at the Vatican.
030617 -- It's because I'm making a sales call to the Vatican. - I'm told that salespeople should dress one level above their customers. - Aren't you worried? About what?
030618 -- Folks, please stay in your seats, we've been grabbed by a huge hand. - I hope this has nothing to do with how I dressed for my sales meeting at the Vatican. - But it turned out to be a guy with a huge hand who said he "thought it would be
030618 -- funny." Hee hee! Huge hand.
030619 -- Switch to decaf for a while. That should help. - I'll replace all of the office coffee with decaf for my convenience. - must...find...antidote
030620 -- How can we eliminate $200,000 of worthless fat? - Wow! Every hand went up. I like it when everyone participates! - So it turns out that it's better when no one participates.
030621 -- The "Employee of the Year" award goes to ...no one. - Thanks for coming. Better luck next year. - It's not as bad as the time that you won it. Jealousy is unattractive.
030622 -- Seven Stages of a Performance Review It's time. - Denial What the...? These aren't even my objectives! - Anger Who said these things about me?! - Bargaining What if I make someone write a glowing E-Mail about me? - Depression Morale slipping
030622 -- away...hair...so...limp. - Acceptance Whatever. There's no budget for raises anyway. - Trash-Talking ...wool-covered pile of ignorant monkey spit. - Lunch A falafel would hit the spot.
030623 -- The company will be taking a one-time charge to write down the value of the merger. - The number is so large that it has no name.  Our marketing department is on it. - Let's see a show of hands for "frooglepoopillion."
030624 -- We need to announce our record losses in a way that doesn't make management look like... - inebriated simian miscreants? Right. - Graphics Department They want to go in a whole other direction.
030625 -- A good manager needs to smell like a manager. - Your breath should be a fiery concoction that says, "agree with me or die." - Try "Dogbert's Management Breath Enhancer," made from ground-up cigarettes, farm shovels and coffee.
030626 -- Accounting Trolls What would happen to our profits if we wrote off these bone-headed mistakes? - POW - And how about the worst-case scenario?
030627 -- Here's the press release about our record loss. - "The CEO stepped down after earning $100 million more than the company itself during his tenure." - "In a message to shareholders, he said, 'Ha ha! Maybe you should have bought stock in *me*!!
030627 -- Who's your Daddy?!!'"
030628 -- My company lost a frooglepoopillion dollars. I'm embarrassed to tell people where I work. - Never be afraid to tell the truth about yourself. - Because honesty is the best policy? Because no one pays any attention to what you say.
030629 -- You're coming to work at nine-thirty? - By the time you get your coffee and get your bagel, it'll be ten o'clock! - I started at six! I've already worked for four hours, and I'll probably stay late! - Over the course of a lifetime, I'll work
030629 -- twice as much as you! - But...we'll be paid the same...and we'll both die anyway. - So...I guess what you're saying is that you're smarter than I am. - I CURSE THE CASUAL BRILLIANCE OF YOUR LIFE STRATEGY!!! - My bagel will be extra tasty today.
030630 -- I called this meeting to do a sanity check on my project. - FLAMING SQUIRRELS ARE EATING MY TONGUE!!! - What?
030701 -- If you want to be a great leader, read the books that have inspired leaders for centuries. - For example, the first pyramids were built after a twelve-year-old pharaoh. Read this book. - "Things that look naughty from miles away."
030702 -- Don't touch the prototype or you'll get a shock. Must touch. - ZAP!! - Don't touch it a second time. Must...touch...second...time.
030703 -- Our strategy is to grow revenue from new products. - How obvious does an idea need to be before we'll stop calling it a strategy? - And we plan to estimate waste. We'll miss you.
030704 -- Beep-beep-a-beep beep-a-beep Every two minutes - - Have you seen my cell phone? Was it metallic, noisy and flushable?
030705 -- Meanwhile in Heck... You're on a winning streak, Snowball. - But let's see what happens to your chances when I turn up the heat! - That's right - the furnace is broken *again*! Four queens.
030706 -- Thanks for testing my new invention. - If this thing works, it will change forever the way that mothers use the telephone. - We've been on the phone for half a minute. The noise should start at any moment. - Here it comes. HEY! WHAT ARE YOU
030706 -- DOING AT THE PHONE?! - CAN I EAT TEN COOKIES? I THINK MY ARM IS BROKEN! WHERE'S MY TOY?!! - WAAA AAAAA AAAA!! - Now press the toddler noise cancellation button. - It stopped the noise, but you need to do something about the visual.
030707 -- Carol, print out our company web site and put it in a binder for easier reference. - Okay, and I'll also translate it into Klingon to make it even easier. - And I'll alert the dictionary makers that "easier" means stupider. Keep them out of
030707 -- this.
030708 -- A Bad Day Maybe it's time to look for a new job online. - A Worse Day Hey, that's *my* job they're trying to fill. - A Much Worse Day And I'm unqualified.
030709 -- If you see anyone violating the new corporate code of ethics, report it immediately. - I'd like to report our senior management for telling us to ship products that we know are defective. - Yes, I will take care of that. OOOH! OOOH! LYING!!! I
030709 -- REPORT YOU!!!
030710 -- Ringy thingy. ring - While you were working, your children grew up and moved away. - I've never had a plan that worked so well.
030711 -- A Few Years Ago The company will no longer provide free soft drinks. - This Year No more free coffee, and no more free bottled water. - In The Future Don't swallow your saliva.
030712 -- Our E-Mail spam blocker is stopping all incoming and outgoing messages. - Apparently the software decided that everything we do is a bunch of worthless #$!|*. - I fear that it's becoming a sentient being. Our only hope is for you to demoralize
030712 -- it to death. Tell it to get on my calendar.
030713 -- Dilbert, write up our technology strategy. - Okay. What's our strategy? - How should I know? It's not written yet. Duh! - How can I write about something that doesn't exist? Duh! - It *will* exist, as soon as you write it. DUH! - Duh! Duh! Duh!
030713 -- Duh! Duh! Duh! - Just do it. Double duh. - Whatever. Duh to infinity. - If my company had any stock value, I'd be selling it now.
030714 -- The Cluttermeleon Lines His Nest With Printed Debris. - A Predator Comes Out Of His Lair. - The quick-Thinking Cluttermeleon Uses His Power To Disguise.
030715 -- Tina, would you...? Hold on while I finish writing this E-Mail. - It's a twelve-page description of my carpal tunnel issue, and the fact that there's never enough time to do my work. - Are all of your problems self-inflicted? That's it! I'm
030715 -- adding a chapter about you. Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch!
030716 -- Hi, this is Dilbert. Hi, I'm a business reporter for the Wall Times Post Gazette. - I'm doing a story about how dumb...I mean dynamic...your new product line is. - Then he promised not to print the amusing nickname I have for our CEO. You are
030716 -- so dynamic.
030717 -- Look what one of our engineers said to a reporter! - "Our technology is putrid, but we compensate by ignoring complaints." - You know what would be more fun than fixing these problems? WITCH-HUNT!!!
030718 -- Corporate Witch-Hunt Alice, did you tell a reporter that our products stink? - I promise on the honor of my family, and on all that is holy, that I did *not*. - So I guess you're calling my divining rod a liar.
030719 -- Corporate Witch-Hunt I've narrowed the list to seventeen suspects who might have talked to that reporter. - Now we'll check their E-Mail archives, phone records and linguistic patterns until we identify the offender. - And then we can punish
030719 -- all of them just for being on the list. I like the way you stink.
030720 -- As requested, I put together a list of functions we should outsource. - I limited my list to things we don't do well. - Management, sales, marketing, quality control, engineering, finance, human resources, and customer support. - That leaves us
030720 -- with our core competence... - ...sitting around a brown table. - And, of course, our ability to speak honestly without fear of retribution. - You will never get another raise as long as I'm alive. - Well, that puts a lot of pressure on the
030720 -- brown table strategy.
030721 -- I've noticed that dead people know a lot. They're always yapping to psychics on television. - We could kill the entire software-testing staff and replace them with one medium. - Do you see any problem with that? If the dead people lie, how
030721 -- would we punish them?
030722 -- You're the only one who hasn't finished the mandatory online six sigma training. - I finished it, but the system crashed before it stored the data. - This is when you say, "there's no need to retake the training, I'll just check off your name."
030722 -- Are you new on this planet?
030723 -- I need to find a way to bend this steel rod into a "U." I'll take care of it. - I won the prestigious "Steel Spike Award" for engineering excellence. What??!! - I guess it's validation for being the highest paid in the department...and for
030723 -- being male.
030724 -- I went to a movie with an unemployed guy. I call that an unfunded man date. - - The unemployed guy didn't laugh either. Maybe it's my delivery.
030725 -- I made a few suggestions. - I'll be happy to make these unnecessary changes to this irrelevant document. - Stop acting happy. Can I whistle and dance while I work?
030726 -- For five dollars, I'll name a subatomic particle after you. - Some of my satisfied customers include Arthur C. Quark, and George Meson. - It comes with an unsigned certificate! I like 'em clean.
030727 -- I surplussed Ted. You'll need to absorb his function. - Absorb his function? - Are you telling me to do two jobs for one salary? - No, I'm telling you to absorb his function...in an absorptive fashion. - ...using osmosis, symbiosis, and
030727 -- synergy. - Can you change reality by inventing new names for ordinary things? - I sure hope so. Otherwise my entire career has been a...a... - Tragic series of monkey-brained mistakes? Key learning.
030728 -- Our new ad campaign will use familiar music from artists who are willing to sell out. - Due to budget cuts, we'll limit our search to musicians who are dead but not yet totally decomposed. - MAKEUP!!!
030729 -- As you requested, this price quote includes absolutely every expense you'll incur! - If that's true, you won't mind signing the "Alice Side Agreement." - "In the event of hidden costs, customer will repeatedly punch vendor wile yelling "You
030729 -- freaking weasel!"" Pen?
030730 -- You laugh at everything, whether it's funny or not. Ha ha ha! It's true. - You're hired. You'll have a big impact on morale! Ha ha ha!! Yes, I will! - Must stay alive. - Ha ha ha!! Computers are funny! Ha ha!!
030731 -- I've decided to spend more time criticizing things I don't understand. - I say we should flat-tax the Kyoto Treaty all the way back to the security council! - Wouldn't that be unfair to stem cells? Bah!
030801 -- This is my nemesis, Pointy-Haired Carl. He manages our software division. - Write up some reasons why he should report to me. I'll secretly give it to our vice president. - Start by saying there's no real difference between hardware and
030801 -- software. I'm unclean!
030802 -- Our goal is nothing less than a complete takeover of Pointy-Haired Carl's software division. - We'll start secretly doing their jobs in addition to our own, Then I'll argue that they should report to me. - Hypothetically, if the secret got out,
030802 -- would we stop working twice as hard for no extra money?
030803 -- I have some disturbing news. - We outsourced our customer-service function to India a few years ago. So? - Apparently, they subcontracted the job to Mexico. - Then Mexico subcontracted to Vietnam, who subcontracted to the Philippines... - who
030803 -- subcontracted to us. - It turns out that we're the lowest-cost provider, because we lie about our hold times. - I summary, we pay ourselves to hose ourselves. - Are you thinking what I'm thinking? We should raise our prices?
030804 -- Tina, we need some customer success stories for the Web site. - The closest thins we have are these complaint letters. Just change a few words. - Change "kick" to "kiss" and this one is done, albeit disturbingly.
030805 -- I'm trying to make him lose his language skills. - I've been using words in the wrong context and waiting for him to adopt them. - Carol, could you truculent this doctrinable to the obelisk? Cervically.
030806 -- I need a description of your project and it's projected cost. That's impossible. - The project uncertainty principle says that if you understand the project, you won't know its cost, and vice versa. - You just made that up. That doesn't make it
030806 -- wrong.
030807 -- Tell me why you need a new server. - And don't give me the condescending simple version for managers. I want a full technical explanation. - Early civilizations had no concept of zero. Go on.
030808 -- The weather is getting worse. Maybe we should close the office. No. - The forecast is for blizzards, freezing rain, tsunamis, deadly lava flows, and precision-guided ball lightning. - And radiation-enlarged swarms of killer bees. Get some snow
030808 -- tires, you big baby.
030809 -- That concludes my two-hour presentation. Any questions? - Did you intend the presentation to be incomprehensible, or do you have some sort of rare "Powerpoint" disability? - Are there any questions about the content? There was content?
030810 -- Wally, why have you been charging all of your hours to my project? - I invited you to one meeting. It lasted one hour. - Do you think I would go to a meeting without extensive preparation? - Okay...that's another hour. How many more do you need
030810 -- explained? - Fifty-eight. - After the meeting, I sat quietly and evaluated what what everyone said. That took fifty-seven hours. - Ha! You're still an hour short. Explain *that*! - Do you mind if I sit quietly and think about that question for
030810 -- a while?
030811 -- Now I'd like to recognize Walter for his five years of work for this company. - Thanks, but I've been here for thirty years...oh, I get it now. - I feel a sick day coming on.
030812 -- What is the priority of your budget request? Highest of the high. - Everyone rated their own budget needs "highest priority." It is a mockery of the priority system! - Name *one* thing that everyone would agree is a *low* priority. Whatever
030812 -- you're doing.
030813 -- Our legal department advises us to destroy any documents that show we know our products are hugely defective. - CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP CHEW CHEW GULP - Do you have room in there for the user specifications?
030814 -- Alice, this year you single-handedly designed and launched a billion dollar line of new products. - For that accomplishment, I give you the highly coveted "meets expectations" designation! - Alice, if having high expectations of you is wrong,
030814 -- then I don't want to be right.
030815 -- We can either wait three months for the software committee to approve our plan... - Or we can soar like eagles, and act without approval, saving millions of dollars! - Please don't be sidetracked by the analogy. Since when do eagles use
030815 -- software?
030816 -- The Man Who Couldn't Give Direct Answers Did you ask your boss for approval? - Now i will explain the process for getting approval. - Do you want to do this the hard way? First, you ask for a meeting.
030817 -- Dogbert Consults Your network-security product is buggy and complicated. - Your user guide is an inspired work of pure evil. - And your techsupport department is an inebriated chimpanzee with a typewriter. - One strategy would be to fix all of
030817 -- those problems. What's the other strategy? - Sell consulting services to your victims...I mean customers! - I'm so happy, it's making my hair quiver! - But what do we do when our consultants can't make our products work either? - They're paid by
030817 -- the hour. QUIVER!!
030818 -- I'm trying to  fire a guy who has multiple personalities. - I'm exhausted. I fired the cowboy, the little girl, and the astronaut this morning. I'll do the twins later this afternoon. - I'm tired, but it's a good tired. Can I do the mime?
030819 -- After months of work, I finished our bid for the huge Galaktikus project. I'll deliver to them. - If it's one minute late, we'll be disqualified. The future of our company depends on us winning the bid. - He must think I'm a...whoa, what's
030819 -- this? Irish Line Dancing Sessions 10% off
030820 -- And you failed at your primary objective of winning a bid for the Galaktikus job. - That's because you said you'd deliver the bid on time, but you got seduced by Irish line-dancing lessons and forgot to mail it! - I can't believe you're trying
030820 -- to pin the blame on the Irish.
030821 -- Someone named Tiffany sent me E-Mail. - YAGGA WAGGA!! - Someone turned off the spam filter.
030822 -- Lately, every person I deal with seems to disappoint me. - Every meeting starts late, every answer is misleading, every deadline is ignored, and all work is shoddily done. - I guess what I'm saying is that today I need some empathy. You are
030822 -- totally blocking my view of the wall.
030823 -- Alice, I notice that you always click something when I approach. - Obviously you've been using company time to look at indescribably filthy images. - And why does that seem obvious to you? Let's leave me out of this.
030824 -- When I'm not helping team members, I like to feed the poor or read to blind people. - I don't care about money. All I want is a chance to help humanity reach its fullest potential. - You're so wonderful, it's making me cry! You're hired. -
030824 -- Excellent. Come meet the team. - I have a special skill for identifying good people. - It's part instinct, part experience. - And yes, maybe just a little ESP. Watch this. - Alice, your favorite color is...mitten?
030825 -- I'll get everyone's opinion, and then I'll make a decision. - Translation: You'll take the advice of whoever does the bes job of trash-talking everyone else. - Where do you get these crazy things? She's mental.
030826 -- Our new product has half a million lines of code! - Translation: there's nothing good about this product, so you hope I'm impressed by irrelevant data. - Now available in ecru! You leave me no choice but to key your car on the way out.
030827 -- Wow! You have three masters degrees and a PhD! - Yes ,it's all very impressive, but interestingly, I have no common sense whatsoever. - That's not the sort of thing you should say during a job interview. I don't see why not.
030828 -- I have a PhD, so obviously you should do what I say. - Instead of negotiating with vendors, let's just tell them how much money we have and ask them to do the right thing. - You're probably feeling embarrassed for not thinking of the idea
030828 -- yourself. Must...not...shave...PhD.
030829 -- tinkle tinkle tinkle Boss approaching. click* - Thanks for the magic management necklace! I have to admit that I doubted its powers. - But since I've been wearing it, I haven't seen a single employee who wasn't hard at work.
030830 -- My keyboard looks exactly like everyone else's. - I need more of a management keyboard, with special keys that sort of thing. - And the "[" becomes the newly discovered letter "%&%&."
030831 -- Hi, I'm Matt. It's my first day here. - I'm Dilbert. - And this is... I'd rather not say. - I prefer to remain anonymous, so you won't feel comfortable asking me for anything later. - Here's my card. It's blank. - The phrase that you're least
030831 -- likely to hear today is, "we're just like family." - Are you worried that he'll turn over the card and see your name? No. - Was that *my* card? I've been handing them out for years.
030901 -- Alice, I know that times are tough. But you need to show more optimism. - Try to find the one good thing about any bad bad situation. - Our entire sales force has been eaten by wild pigs. Pigs are cute!
030902 -- The technical solution is simple and inexpensive. - But it would cost a fortune to get internal approvals because vast herds of management dolts would get involved. - So I should just do it, right? - Did you call me a vast herd?
030903 -- Where do you want to eat? Anyplace. - Suddenly, Mike the Vegan pounced. Do you mind if I join you? - Soon, hunger started to set in. No, I can't eat at any of those fifty choices. What else do you have?
030904 -- Mike the Vegan I use no animal products whatsoever! - Your clothes were created on sewing machines that used electricity from coal and oil, and those come from dead dinosaurs. - I need to start making exceptions.
030905 -- Wally, how do I handle the psychological pressure of a stalled career? - Remember that when you reach for the stars, they're too far away, so it's hopeless. - But sometimes you can reach a star...can't you? That would burn your hand clean off
030906 -- Dilbert, take care of this. It's our top priority. - Sure. I'll just let my other top priorities slip until my career is a smoldering mound of rubble. - So what is it? I don't know...I just didn't like it on my desk.
030907 -- You never responded to my urgent request for engineering resources. What? - I told Alice to to ask you! She must have forgotten. - I sent you three E-Mail messages. - You know I don't have time to read my E-Mail. And I sent you a voice-mail -
030907 -- You know I don't have time for voice mails. That's why I also... - TATTOOED IT ON YOUR STINKIN' CHEST!!! - - As if i have time to read my torso.
030908 -- Our competitors found a way to send broadband Internet traffic over the power grid. - I want you to find a way to send data over the sewer system. - I thought I was already doing it.
030909 -- Asok, would you like to join a doomed project for sending Internet traffic over the sewer system? - Absolutely! I might be young and unexperienced, but I know a good thing when I see it! - I need you to work under the sewage and breathe through
030909 -- a straw. I get a straw!!
030910 -- I've never been a project manager before. - I understand I'm supposed to  direct your natural talents and energies toward a common goal. - Carol, did you make copies of the agenda? No, it sounded hard.
030911 -- In only one week my project team has created a time line and identified the resources we need. - Next week, we plan to revise the time line and re-examine our resource needs. Good work. - There must be a thousand ways to say I haven't dome
030911 -- anything. Wait...
030912 -- You need to slither away from your doomed project before you get blamed. - My assistant will teach you how to shed your project manager skin. Yello! - Ow! Ow! Ow! How's this so far? Impressive, but we were speaking metaphorically.
030913 -- I've put my heart and soul into the high-speed-data-by-sewer project. - But I believe in developing our talent pool. So I recommend putting Asok in charge of the project. I will be his mentor. - Wow! What should I do first? I wouldn't rule out
030913 -- panicking.
030914 -- Asok, I designate you the keeper of the giant binder. - It contains our secret technology plans. - It can never leave this office. - It won't fit in any drawer. - And the "Clean Desk Policy" forbids me from leaving it on my desktop. - Gaaa!! I
030914 -- can't take it home, and I can't leave it here! - I must use it as a tiny bed and spend the rest of my days guarding it. - What did you do with the giant binder prop that you got at the trade show?
030915 -- Since I became project manager, no one has returned my calls or responded to my E-Mails. - Luckily, I'm an I.I.T. graduate, mentally superior to most people on earth, so I finished the project myself. - Are you tired? I am trained to only
030915 -- sleep during national holidays.
030916 -- At the India Institute of Technology, I learned to use my huge brain. - but I try not to frighten ordinary people with any gratuitous displays of mental superiority. - For example, I no longer reheat my tea by holding it to my forehead and
030916 -- imagining fire.
030917 -- Would you like to make a hundred million dollars for just showing up at work? Yes! - My audio lessons teach you how to become an underperforming CEO. - Step one: Become a CEO. Step two: Be the sort of person who would by these audio lessons.
030918 -- Did you order the plastic casings I need? They take two weeks for delivery. - I see that you've cleverly avoided my actual question in favor of an imaginary one involving delivery times. - Now I'm fantasizing about ripping off your mustache
030918 -- and using it to shine your head. I hear that a lot.
030919 -- I recommend that we look at the big picture and view it from 20,000 feet. - Drifting...floating above the earth...wait...a plane is coming right at me! No-o-o-o!!! - Maybe you should imagine you're in the plane. Gaaaa!! I'm in coach!
030920 -- Bob, remember that money can't buy happiness. - But it can buy expensive possessions that make other people envious, and that feels just as good. - And you can pay to have people whacked. Can I trade my happiness for some money?
030921 -- I don't have time to work on the Nanobit project. - No problem. Tell Dilbert I said he should take over. - Two Minutes Later I'm way, way too busy. Fine. Tell Wally to do it. - Two Minutes Later I'm up to your face in alligators! Okay,
030921 -- okay...hand it off to Asok. - Two Minutes Later But already I only have time to eat one cracker a day. Tell Ted I said... - Sure, I'll do it. No problem. - Mmm...cracker time. I'm quitting tomorrow. - I solved four problems today!
030922 -- Remember, if you're not the lead dog, the view never changes. - I'm not the lead dog, and I have to look at your face all day. - What are you implying? I was admiring your insightful analogy.
030923 -- Every morning I rank my tasks as A, B, or C priorities. - And then you work on the "A" priorities first? - TO be honest, after I update the list, there isn't much left in the tank.
030924 -- I got your three-page E-Mail, and I brought you a gift. - It's a clump of blank space. You can use it to separate long rambling, unrelated sentences. - Next week I'll introduce you to a little curvy thing that I call a comma.
030925 -- We're outsourcing half of our programming work to Elbonia to take advantage of the time difference. - We'll hand off our requirements at the end of our work day and get back the finished code the next morning. - Once again, I have no idea what
030925 -- they want. Let's pretend we died.
030926 -- I was an engineer before I moved to marketing. - Now I don't even remember how to turn on my Lisa. - You have an old Lisa computer from Apple? Old wife.
030927 -- I was an engineer before I got into marketing, so I have a few suggestions for your network design. - Get rid of this "Cisco" doohickey, whatever it is, and put it into a catapult made from local trees. - Has it been a while? At least I have
030927 -- good social skills now, you dipweed.
030928 -- I have the results of the employee morale survey. - The number one issue is "not enough open and honest communication from management." - Well, okay, I'm willing to give that a try. - Management is looting the company while hiding the fact that
030928 -- we're in a death spiral. - Whenever you talk, I think about my fishing lures until the noise stops. - When I see an employee suffer, it excites me in ways I don't understand. - On nine separate occasions I've fires bald guys because I thought
030928 -- they were you. - If this doesn't work for you, let me know on the next employee morale survey.
030929 -- I can't give you the salary that you deserve because then there'd be no room for a raise next year. - I wouldn't want you to be all disincentivized, you know, just moping around. - Neck...muscles...so...weak. I think motivation causes that.
030930 -- Evil H.R. Director - New policy: you must inform your boss before applying for an internal job opening. - PURRR RRRRR - Well, good luck, you disloyal, back-stabbing ingrate.
031001 -- Hey, big guy, how's your golf game lately? - I've only known you for three seconds and already I have a deep desire to punch you. - But no one ever does. Have you met Alice?
031002 -- I love golf. Golfing is fun. It's a good day to golf. Do you want to go golfing in the rain tomorrow at 6 A.M.? - No, thanks. I have plans to sandpaper my entire body and roll around in salt. - I hope no one ever creates a scoring system for
031002 -- that.
031003 -- Would it be okay if I worked three hours a week? - Any more than three and my quality of life takes a steep dive. - Secondly, is this a good time to talk about a gigantic raise?
031004 -- I've notice that every decision you make is different from what I would have done. - My IQ is 240. Your IQ aspires to the three-digit range. I assume that you intuition and experience are guiding you. - Please be that. Chinese astrology!
031005 -- Catbert, the Evil Director of Human Resources Your 401K retirement plan will be replaced with a 401A plan. - The "A" stands for afterlife. - You'll get no money in this life, but the company will reward you in the afterlife. - The odds of that
031005 -- happening seem low. - Yes, but on an expected-value basis, a high potential reward compensates for low odds. - For example, how many free software upgrades would I need to promise you in the afterlife to make you work yourself to death this
031005 -- year? - Seventy versions. - I resisted his charisma, but he got me with his math.
031006 -- My consulting firm specializes in fixing business strategies. - Have you ever figured out why your own industry is in the toilet? - I'll give you a thousand dollars never to mention that again. OK.
031007 -- I absolutely need your input by Tuesday. OK. - Considering that you're massively unreliable, I'd like to save time by yelling at you now. - YOU SAID YOU'D DO IT BY TUESDAY!!! Ummm...I was too busy.
031008 -- As requested, I wrote the business plan to show profitability by year three. - The key revenue assumption is that an armored car crashes through that wall and spills its contents. - And don't stand where the comet is assumed to strike oil.
031009 -- The management retreat in Hawaii was productive. - We calculated how many employees we needed to downsize to pay for the trip. - Don't blame me, Ted. I voted against the third helicopter ride.
031010 -- At long last, I finalized the budget. - This is the budget for last year. - Stop making it sound annual.
031011 -- I averaged the top-down budget with the bottom-up budget. - As you can see, the ignorance and cruelty canceled out the lying and optimism. - Do you have anything to cancel out feelings of a wasted hour? Have you tried despair?
031012 -- Hey, it's a customer! - You're in luck; our next version has every feature you'll ever want! It does? - I was ready to buy your current version...but I guess I'll wait. - When will our new version be ready? In a year. - The new version will
031012 -- leapfrog our competition. - Leapfrog? That implies that they have better products right now. - BUY OUR PRODUCT, YOU STINKIN' PILE OF CRUD!! SLAP! - I have to run. Try not to blow the sale.
031013 -- The vendor is sending their best negotiator. - You must use all of your engineering power training to resist her tricks and and look only at the facts. - And if you agree to infinite liability, you get a 0.00001% chance of dating me, plus a
031013 -- minute to play with an unidentified gizmo.
031014 -- I plan to make bumper stickers for pedestrians that say, "How am I walking? Call 1-800 Blah, Blah, Blah." - If you call the number and report people, they'll never again be allowed to purchase shoes! - The best part about hating people is that
031014 -- I never run out of great ideas.
031015 -- Hey! You left a used coffee stirrer on the counter!!! - The wastebasket was only one foot away! I am an associate, not your maid!!! - Behold the power of laziness. So, I'll throw it away for you *this time*.
031016 -- I can't imagine what you told everyone at the management retreat... - But our marketing department issued a press release saying we're designing a tunnel linking Europe to Denver. - Flashback I'm installing a new sprinkler system in my lawn.
031016 -- Must top.
031017 -- I call it the "tunnel shark." It converts dirt and rock into energy and can dig forever. - So whatever  you do, don't ignore what I'm saying and push the red button. Button! - Now what's gotten into you?
031018 -- My tunnel-digging prototyped escaped the lab and burrowed into a picknicker in Perth, Australia. - The combined entity is a cyborg that has proven to be surprisingly popular at parties. - Ha ha! Do the trick with the dirt!
031019 -- Ted, what's the budget for research and development? - It's confidential. I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you. Hee hee! - - I've never heard that one. It's very witty. - Allow me to show my appreciation with the following fake laugh.
031019 -- - HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA !!! - HA HA HA HA HA !!!  -Those are my real teeth. I need them back.
031020 -- Who's Today's Guest Cartoonist? At great expense, I've just hired Nildo Orbfutz as a consultant. He will increase our productivity hereby calculating how much times is actually wasted! - Well, Nildo, how did you acquire your credentials? Degree
031020 -- in business management? H.R.? P.R.? Psychology? On-the-job training. - Let me guess: You've been fired from every job you ever had...for wasting time? Welcome to the wonderful world of consulting.
031021 -- Who's Today's Guest Cartoonist? Hi! Rob the Dinosaur here! Today I want to- CUT!!! Your name is *BOB*! - Sir, it's like a million degrees in here. Can't we take a two minute break? No! You'll do it until you get it right, you idiot! You have
031021 -- displeased me. No pay for you! - I *hate* Dilbert. Ssh! He'll hear you!
031022 -- Who's Today's Guest Cartoonist? I'm so happy in my new spacious office with an ocean view. - Finally I have the workplace I've always dreamed of. - The personalized environment headset works, Sir. Brad Pitt! Shouldn't you put a shirt on?
031023 -- Who's Today's Guest Cartoonist? This isn't my cubicle. Your horoscope says you'll have a "mind-altering" day. - I feel oddly drawn to watch "Days of our Lives." You *look* oddly drawn. - I'm going to go to the mall and try on black shoes! Wow!
031023 -- Your life finally has a purpose.
031024 -- Who's Today's Guest Cartoonist? ...when I first heard Dilbert had died while running with scissors, I, too, was stunned. I, too, asked, "what's it all mean?" - ...That 2,247 newspaper slots are now wiiiiiide open, baby! ...Ka-ching! Ka-ching! -
031024 -- ...sorry about the ka-chings.
031025 -- All week I felt like I was drifting through alternative universes. I was me, but I was different. - Have you been near any dense objects that would make the fabric of space-time fold onto itself? - One Week Ago Will there be any unforeseen
031025 -- problems? What's happening to me?!!
031026 -- I have an idea for boosting my performance. - You wisely coached us to use all of our vacation days every year. - Because we come back recharged! - Our renewed motivation is more than enough to compensate for the missed days. - My plan is to
031026 -- leverage that competitive advantage. - I'll take a fifteen year vacation and return ten minutes before retirement. - THEN I'LL BE SO RECHARGED THAT I'LL POUNCE AND AND DO TWENTY YEARS OF WORK IN MINUTES!! - Unless it's near a holiday, in which
031026 -- case, do you mind if I leave?
031027 -- Are you going to lunch? Lunch already? - Sheesh! I barely had time to come late to work, eat breakfast, use the plumbing and read the paper. - You take your non.work seriously. I'm trying to develop a sense of non-urgency.
031028 -- Asok, you've been named "Employee of the Week"! - The title gives you access to the executive helicopter landing pad on the roof. - And by "access" I mean you hose off the bird droppings every morning. I get to use the company hose!!!
031029 -- Catbert: Evil H.R. Director The company will provide free cholesterol screening on Tuesday. - At the same time, we're providing free bacon and cheese hoagies across the hall. It's your choice. - I hate him, but I also love him.
031030 -- I e-mailed you the expense breakdown. I need you to fix the format and send it out. - I will now read your mind to get the unspoken, ever-shifting preferences for the format. - I see nothing emptiness...the abyss.. Add a chart.
031031 -- Hey, Rick. Allow me to explain why your specifications are mutually exclusive. must transform. - If we make the package ultra light, there won't be enough material to absorb impact when... - I don't think I'm getting through.
031101 -- Alice, your problem is that you take on too much work. - The problem is that you *give* me too much work! - Your second problem is that you blame others, and your third problem is that you're always angry. GAAA!!! IT'S ALL YOU!!
031102 -- Wally, what's the status of your project? - Deep breath...clear my mind... - I've been focusing my bandwidth on organic growth. - I'm getting lots of push-back, so I'm taking the discussions offline. - But sometimes I table an issue or handle
031102 -- it in a sidebar. - Now i have my ducks in a row, the deal-breakers are on the back burner, and I'm managing expectations. - Okay...keep up the good work. - Wally, you don't have a project. What? Then why am I so tired?
031103 -- Wally, there have been complaints that you take conference calls from the Men's room. - OK, perhaps I have a few idiosyncrasies, but it's only because I care so much about the work. - No one invited you to those conference calls. What if I've
031103 -- already finished the newspaper?
031104 -- We're not '"level-conscious" here. - You could walk up to any vice president's office and talk to his secretary as if you were an equal. - Which, by the way, you're not. So don't try to make direct eye-contact.
031105 -- I can't do any more work on my project until you give your input, but you're too busy. - There's no polite way to say this: Bill, you're a bottleneck. - Your document is now saying hi to the bottom of the pile.
031106 -- Bottleneck Bill All purchase orders must be approved by me. - I'll be too busy to approve anything, but at least we have a system. - GRRRR It's titanium. Nice try.
031107 -- Don't sell your new product for $29. Offer it at $1,000,029 with a rebate of $1,000,000. - People will think it's a great bargain when in fact it's just a huge inconvenience. - And all we need is one person to forget to mail in the rebate
031107 -- forms. We'll target the lazy rich.
031108 -- I'm having problems at home, so I'll be taking it out on you today. - I'll begin by hallucinating that you said something bad. Then I'll yell at you for saying it. - I AM NOT A SADISTIC NUT!!! If I got to my cubicle, can you hallucinate that
031108 -- I'm here?
031109 -- Everyone gets a company shirt! It's good for morale. - Oops! Not for temps. - None for contractors. - Not for vendors. - Nothing in your size. - Not for people who might get downsized on Friday. - I'll use the leftovers as garage rags. - Did
031109 -- the shirts improve morale? Sure did! I feel great!
031110 -- Ted is being rude and unhelpful. Can you ask his boss to remove him from the project? send* - I'll forward this to Ted. That should help. - I wonder how people solved problems before E-Mail.
031111 -- We'll be seeing a lot of each other. I'm a boss stalker. - I wait by his office, unscheduled, ready to suck up to him whenever his phone call ends. - Please don't go...it's still out there.
031112 -- Later we'll be joined by the director of the only division that's making a profit. - Behold my greatness!! Bathe ye all in the pleasure of my general proximity!! - I can only stay if you give me an award.
031113 -- Where can I put my most important files so I won't lose them? - I'll balance them on top of the trash can so the janitor knows it's not part of the actual trash. - These items must be what's most urgently in need of discardation.
031114 -- Wally, can you show me how to make changes to the skills database? - I can't risk being known as the guy who knows how to edit the database. - Because? I barely have time to avoid the work I already have.
031115 -- My project has no progress and no hope for progress. - I scheduled a meeting so I can fantasize that it will produce a breakthrough. - I recommend that we have a meeting next week so you can fantasize that you'll coach me to higher levels of
031115 -- performance. Sounds good.
031116 -- Wally, I'm glad we work in the same department. - Because your performance is so bad that you'll be downsized first. - You're like a buffer. As long as you're still here, my job is safe. - And there's nothing you can do to change this
031116 -- situation. - Wally, do you mind giving my family a ride to church again this week. No problem. - It's nice that you joined my church even though you live an hour away. - And I wouldn't say no to those tasty bagels you always bring for the ride.
031116 -- GAAA!! - Oh...I didn't see you sneak up on me, Heathen...I mean Alice. zzzz
031117 -- My vacation was so relaxing that I'm still floating. - Hey, Alice, you know how I promised to cover all of your meetings for two weeks? I forgot until right now. - From floating to furious in 27 seconds. It's a personal best.
031118 -- This might be the greatest innovation in annoying cubicle noises. - Chewing crushed ice. crunch crunch crunch - Must...destroy all refrigeration facilities...on earth.
031119 -- Welcome to the competitive strategies seminar. - First, some house-keeping. In the event of an emergency, stay seated so I'll have a clear path to the exit. - And...there is no men's room in the building as far as you know.
031120 -- I desperately need to take this training. - We can't spare you. Send Wally and have him tell you what he learned. - I'm awed by the sheer artistry of your management skills. Thank you.
031121 -- Lately I am Lately I am overcome with doubt that you read my status reports. - Asok, the biggest value of a status report is that it makes you consider all the costs of your project. - Actually, that is the biggest value of a business plan or a
031121 -- budget.. Whatever. Throw it on the pile.
031122 -- Our goal is to do more with less. - Less motivation? - I can't be any more specific. Less communication?
031123 -- The new batch of job applicants is more desperate than usual. Excellent. - Five hundred qualified people applied for this position. - But who wants this job the most? - I plan to pummel each applicant with a variety of objects, beginning with
031123 -- very soft items. - Then I'll gradually move toward harder materials until only one person is left. - I'll begin with this soft sugar doughnut. - ZING PIFF! Thank you. - How are their attitudes? Refreshingly upbeat!
031124 -- Catbert: Evil H.R. Director  In order to cut costs, some of you will be relocated to the bottom of the ocean. - Wouldn't we be crushed by the pressure? Every job has some pressure. - And then there's the breathing problem. I label you a
031124 -- whiner.
031125 -- I'm planning to replace myself with cheap Elbonian labor. - Watch this: turn around and describe my appearance. - I see glasses...a coffee mug...and that's all. This will work.
031126 -- Hello. This is your lawyer. - Do you mind if I think about you for a few minutes? Um...no. - Mmm...$400 an hour. Wait...dear lord...noooo!!!
031127 -- I ask all prospective employees this question to test their reasoning. - You have one fox and two chickens that you need to get across a river. You can only take one at a time in the rowboat. The fox will eat the chickens if left alone. - I'd
031127 -- buy livestock insurance, then barbecue the chickens and blame the fox. Can you start today?
031128 -- I edited you document for clarity and sent it out. - Wow. It's amazing how clear it is when you take out all of the accuracy and relevance. - I stopped listening after "wow." I'll get busy spending the rest of my career fixing this.
031129 -- Our company is going to make antivirus software. What's that tell you? - It tells me we'll secretly create viruses that can only be detected by our software. - Am I close? You're spooky.
031130 -- I'd like you to meet Bradley, our new manager of executive compensation. - Bradley's job is to recommend to our board how much to pay company executives as me. - Bradley is totally objective. Totally. - That was a world-class observation, so
031130 -- I'll recommend that the company buy you a pony. - ...a *strong* pony to carry the huge bags of cash I recommend for you. - Good work, Bradley. I'll recommend to the board that you get a huge raise! - Gaaa!!! Stop pretending to have reasons!!
031130 -- Just steal the stupid money!!! - See what I have to deal with every day? Would an extra month of vacation reduce the sting?
031201 -- Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources We need to tell our employees about the merger. - They'll read it in the news. Why should we do extra work? - Other companies do it. There must be a reason. Maybe it's a tax thing.
031202 -- What?!! According to the paper, we're merging with an evil company that plans to downsize us. - - Did they run my quote about how valuable you are?
031203 -- I recommend that we break into subgroups to create a process for choosing our next meeting time. - Or we could just meet next week at our usual time. You're a loose cannon. - Stop labeling me with hackneyed phrases! You're a "cut now, measure
031203 -- later" type.
031204 -- This apple will remind us of our *core' values: respect, customer service, and teamwork. - The apple's core is the part you throw away. - Not always. Sometimes I accidentally eat it. Maybe the stem can represent our loyalty to the company.
031205 -- You've got a bad case of carpal punchel syndrome. - Don't use your "fist of death" for a few weeks. GAAA!!! - The "foot of death" is not the same. It is only slightly menacing.
031206 -- I've never done this before, but may I have your phone number? - home phone...cell phone...work phone...home E-Mail - work E-Mail...other home E-Mail...personal web site. - ...and if that fax machine is out of paper, try the one down the hall,
031206 -- but leave me a voice mail if you do.
031207 -- May I move to one of the empty cubicles? - Those are full-size cubicles; interns get half-size cubicles. - Yes...ordinarily, but there are hundreds of vacant cubicles because of downsizing. - I'm not following you. - They're *empty*! They will
031207 -- never be occupied. I want to use one. - We don't have the budget to turn a full-size cubicle into a half-size cubicle just for you. - GAAA!!! THAT'S NOT WHAT I...NEVER MIND! FORGET IT! - Furthermore, I do not believe this is a half-sized
031207 -- cubicle.
031208 -- Wake up and trudge to work! - Earn money so I can leave on the lights in every room. - Your shower is ready. I turned it on last night.
031209 -- It's nice to be retired. I'll do a-a-anything I want to do all day long. - I guess you'll be banging your head against a wall today, trying to earn money for the social infrastructure. - Do you ever feel guilty? It is a warm, tingly sensation
031209 -- that makes you wag?
031210 -- It's workers like me that make the global economy so vibrant. - The pointy-haired fly-bait wants this reformatted to disguise his true objective. - When you're done, don't show it to anyone. No one cares. Zesty!
031211 -- I'm developing an insincere optimism to complement my artificial sense of urgency. - I hope to top it off with a delusion that I work for the challenge and not the money. - How can you make good ideas sound so bad? I'm an engineer.
031212 -- Product Training You work for a company that takes pride in its product line. - Only half of our users experience painful boils. yes no - We call that group the "relatively satisfied" customers. What the?!
031213 -- Take your feet off the desk. - Is this an example of random management or do you think it will make our stock rise? - It's up .02%. Heh-heh-heh, not so random after all.
031214 -- It's totally brilliant. - I must show this to our creative department. - I designed a new logo for the company. See what you can do with it. - Well, well, well, an engineering manager becomes an artist. - Apparently I wasted my time getting a
031214 -- master's degree in graphic arts and design. - All I needed was a dull pencil an a scrap of paper. - ART IS NOT THAT EASY, YOU ARROGANT PILE OF PERFECTLY SYMMETRICAL CRUD!!! - What if the logo is inside a rectangle?
031215 -- Researchers have proven that working with evil or stupid people causes heart disease. - Ha ha! I wonder if the amount of stupidousness makes a difference. - Your witty banter stinks today.
031216 -- The woods are full of people who want your job. - These days you can't shake a tree without three or four engineers falling out. - I'd love to stay and chat but I need to go motivate the other headcounts.
031217 -- The merger will obliterate the connection between my performance and my rewards. - My arms hang like wet ropes. There is no reason to move again. - From 9 to 9:30 I rotated 3-dimensional objects in my mind. My ears hang like wet ropes.
031218 -- My strategy is to work like a paranoid beaver during the merger. - Surely my productivity will be noticed and rewarded when the downsizing begins. - And who is Alice? I'm pretty sure that's the bald guy with the glasses.
031219 -- Alice, I don't know the best way to say this but I'll try. - Oog-nah wahgoo yagga bliphnow elga nooey fip wah! - That's a language I'm inventing in my spare time. It has no words for "you're downsized."
031220 -- Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources What kind of severance package do I get? I can't decide if I should laugh or purr, but there's definitely spittle in your future. - This is a bad package. PURRR-HA-HA HA-PURRR-HA HA-PURRR!!!
031221 -- I'm collecting for miscellaneous gag gifts. - We've got upcoming birthdays, baby showers, retirements, promotions, blah, blah, blah. - I'm collecting all of the gag gift money in advance. - Then I'll take the bag of money and flush it down the
031221 -- toilet. - That will be the gag. It's funny because a toilet is involved. - So you can either give me $100 now or I'll be back twenty times at $5 a pop. - You can't resist the siren call of a more efficient process. Give it up, engineer-boy! -
031221 -- Hello, sectional sofa!
031222 -- Career Counseling - Apparently you're still mad about being downsized. - According to your resume, you're seeking a job that involves "punching a short, stocky guy with pointy hair." - Is that the only job you'd consider? I also like kicking.
031223 -- Alice Gets Downsized Maybe your next career could be marrying a rich guy. - There must be a guy out there who wouldn't care about your personality. - If she offers you a goodbye hug, don't take it.
031224 -- I scheduled your goodbye lunch for Tuesday. I can't make it on Tuesday. - It's too late to change it. Everyone already bought gag gifts. - Gag gifts?? I'm not retiring; I got downsized! Congratulations, Alice! Hee-hee!! wrinkle cream
031225 -- The good thing about being downsized is that I don't need to shave my legs. - It grows fast, but who's going to notice? - Police surrounded a convenience store where Sasquatch attempted to buy "Häagen Dazs(r)".
031226 -- Business is picking up. We need to rehire some of the people that we downsized. - I hope the time off from work hasn't dulled their engineering instincts. - The first day back is always the hardest.
031227 -- I signed you up for a product awareness class. GAAA!!! - They'll give you hands-on training for every product we sell ple-e-ease... - We're hoping to fix this problem in the next version.
031228 -- I hired my wife to be our new receptionist. - I foresee no problems whatsoever. - Hey, dipweed! - Go buy me a bagel and a cappuccino. - Then wash my car and fill the gas tank. - NOW DANCE FOR ME, LITTLE MAN+ HA HA+ DANCE OR I'LL HAVE YOU
031228 -- FIRED!!! ring - How may I help you? Have a nice day! - Stop dancing in the lobby. My wife is trying to work.
031229 -- Our company is relocating headquarters to be nearer our CEO's home. - When asked about the justification for the huge expense, our CEO quipped, "Ha ha ha! Eat mud and die!" - Then he gave himself some stock options and went to buy a Hummer.
031230 -- I am in charge of the office relocation project, also known as O.R.P. - I have never managed anything, but I have studied our boss to learn his methods. - Let's see...step one, I corner you. Step two, I talk until you scream about seeing a
031230 -- bright light.
031231 -- The office relocation project is proceeding without any problems whatsoever. - GAAA!!! IT'S A LIE!!! OUR POSSESSIONS WILL BE LOST AND WE WILL HAVE NO PHONE SERVICE!!! - I don't mean to worry anyone, but you should look for new jobs right away.
040101 -- Office Relocation You are not allowed to move your own computer. - It must be left in an easily stealable condition for three days until the movers take it to the wrong cubicle. - Then untrained I.T. professionals will shove an Ethernet cable
040101 -- into your stapler and call it good. Get out of my way.
040102 -- Office Relocation Some cubicles are slightly less desirable than others. - For example, your new cubicle is below an air duct so it is sometimes cooler than the area around it. - I asked the facilities people to chip out the penguin as soon as
040102 -- possible.
040103 -- Office Relocation Your new cubicle is less roomy than the old one. You will need this butter. - Apply it liberally to your torso area and you can slide right in. - But don't stay in there for more than 10 minutes at a time because it attracts
040103 -- rats.
040104 -- As VP of marketing, I am proud to introduce the new version of our product. - BEHOLD!!! - This is a testament to what can happen when you listen to customers. - We asked customers what they wanted the new version to do. - Six months ago I gave
040104 -- that raw data to you engineers. Today we see the result. - It's the first time I've seen it myself. What's it do? - BAM!! - Our customers said they hate us. spit
040105 -- It looks like an ordinary piece of paper, but I added this finger holder. - Now when I wander the hallways looking busy I can totally rest my hand. - Working hard? Not any more!
040106 -- The expense cutters award goes to Wally for drastically lowering his cell phone bill. - Wally, would you like to say a few words to the group? - I lost my phone last month. Hey, thanks for the hundred dollars!
040107 -- It's time to go power shopping. - Nice computer. Did you just get it. GAAA!!! - Shopping always puts me in a good mood.
040108 -- Ted, you're going to experience an involuntary separation from payroll. I'm fired. - No-o-o-o. It's just that you won't be part of the payroll system. - And you're not allowed to touch anything.
040109 -- The smokers in this building take hundreds of trips outside to smoke every day. - We can harness that kinetic energy to create electricity to power their unused computers. - pant * pant Too much slope.
040110 -- Our CEO is giving a speech at the conference you're attending. - Ask his secretary if you can save money by riding together on the corporate jet. - He doesn't want to inhale anything you've exhaled.
040111 -- I discovered a hole in our Internet security. What?!! - Good grief, man! How could you put a hole in our Internet? - I didn't *put* it there I *found* it...and it's not... - It's your job to fix that hole. I want you to work 24-7! - Actually,
040111 -- that's *not* my job. But I'll inform our network management group. - PASSING THE BUCK!!! YOU'RE A BUCK PASSER!!! - Forget it! There's no hole! It got better! That's more like it. - I fixed the Internet.
040112 -- I need your approval to... - ...be exhausted, bored, stiff, headachey, annoyed and constipated for the next three days. - Also known as "business travel." I must be traveling right now!
040113 -- You should smuggle a weapon on the plane. - And never, ever return your seat to its upright position! Stand up for your rights! - I've noticed that all of your advice would put me in jail. Why must you be so complainy?
040114 -- Airport Security Please remove your jackets and shoes. - Please remove your epidermal layer and put it in a plastic bag. - It is a federal crime to mention the movies "Ishtar," "Glitter" or "Gigli".
040115 -- Gaaa!!! I'm having overhead storage anxiety!! - It doesn't fit! Everyone will hate me for delaying the flight! - We were scheduled to fly to New York, but thanks to the bag that didn't fit, we have to leave you in Iowa.
040116 -- Six-hour flight; I can get lots of work done. - Six-hour flight; I can get lots of sleep. - I can't feel my hands!!!
040117 -- Welcome to the Metrogarden Hotel! How may I make your stay incredible? - I would be delighted to iron your socks, examine your suspicious moles or take a second job and give you my pay. - I think they overtrained you. I'm shaved and prepared to
040117 -- donate a kidney.
040118 -- Ask the vendor to take 20% off the price. Now??? - You already signed the contract. The price is set in stone. - It doesn't hurt to ask. - It doesn't? - So...although we just signed the contract, would you please lower the price 20%? - HA HA
040118 -- HA!!! GET A TIME MACHINE, YOU BUMPKIN!!! - Gaaa""" I feel stupid and filled with self-loathing...futility tugs at my soul...my guts are clenched! Good. - Ask if they'll go for 19% IT HURTS TO ASK!!!
040119 -- Everyone, this is Dilbert. He flew half-way around the world to give us this presentation. - What? I thought I flew here so *you* could give *me* a presentation. Oh - Maybe I could show you some proprietary documents. I'd like that.
040120 -- What were your key learnings from the trip? - I learned that there are people you shouldn't call from a plane. - Earlier That Day Hi, Jack!
040121 -- I told Matthew that there was no way we could make those changes. ring - Hi, Matthew! ...yes, of course we can make these changes; we're no idiots! Ha ha!! - He says you have no credibility.
040122 -- And that's why we can't put any more resources on your project. Sure we can. - Gaaa!!! Why do you keep ruining my credibility?!!! Good cop, bad cop. - IF THERE IS A GOD, PLEASE KILL ME NOW!!! Gum?
040123 -- Profits are down, so we fired the sales department to reduce costs. - This strategy heavily depends on people driving to our warehouse and begging for our products. - Do you think I should write a book? I'd try reading one first.
040124 -- Have you ever noticed the contrast between my greatness and...you? - My philosophy is that everyone has an intrinsic value that is the same. - Let's call your philosophy "I didn't notice."
040125 -- Our CEO will be happy to answer any questions. - Why does the company pay you 40 million dollars a year? - I ask because it's 400 times more than I make. And I work 70 hours a week. - Do you work 28,000 hours per week? - Or do you have some
040125 -- sort of special ability that isn't obvious? - GRRRR RRRRR AAAH-OOGAH!!! - - Golden egg. One every ten minutes. Good answer.
040126 -- You need to change the company's name to create the illusion of progress. - The name should be high-tech sounding with a hint of onomatopoeia that signals your total lack of awareness. - Maybe something like "Duhflushtech, Inc." I like it!
040127 -- Wally, I discovered a deadly safety flaw in our product. Who should I inform? - No one. The stock would plunge and we'd have massive layoffs. Your career would be ruined. - But my negligence could cause the death of a dozen customers. The first
040127 -- dozen is always the hardest.
040128 -- Alice, I fail, if I fail to blow the whistle on our product's safety problem, I will be like a murderer! - No, technically you'd be more like a killer, you wuss. - My guts feel like I swallowed a squirrel. You have totally sucked the flavor
040128 -- out of this scone.
040129 -- If you refuse to do something about your product's safety flaw, I will be forced to contact our CEO! Try it. - This E-Mail will make him drop everything and call me. - Hundreds will die...blah, blah, blah...whatever. Forward the message to that
040129 -- pointy-haired guy.
040130 -- Dogbert Goes P.R. You knew your product was deadly but you did nothing until you were sued. - The goal of public relations is to taint the jury pool. We'll show that the victims had it coming. - Maybe we should discuss the moral implications
040130 -- of that strategy. Bah!
040131 -- Dogbert Goes P.R. There's some risk that the P.R. plan will cause you bad kharma. Ooh - For an extra fee, I can do some P.R. work aimed at the infinite fabric of the universe to inoculate you. - And I think I can get Britney Spears to wear
040131 -- your hairstyle. Can you get her to grow hair on her back, too?
040201 -- Dilbert, come in here. - I keep clicking on this link and nothing happens. - click click click click click click See? - Try something else. Why would I do that? click click click click - click click click click click click click - The
040201 -- definition of insanity is: doing the same thing and expecting a different result. click click click click click click - Hey, it worked this time! - What we have here is a bad precedent. They called ma "crazy."
040202 -- Your project is my top priority. Tell me everything that I need to know. - I'm so bored...can't...stay...awake. I haven't started talking yet. - IT GETS WORSE??! o-o-okay
040203 -- It's been a few hours since I've done anything managerish. - I could criticize someone...nah. I could have a meeting...nah. - I'm reorganizing the department! Excuse me while I beat myself with the keyboard.
040204 -- Our new chip is slower than our competitor's products. - We'll claim we're the fastest. If anyone does benchmark tests, we'll say they used old drivers. - Whenever I talk to you, I feel like I should be wearing a wire. Since when is marketing a
040204 -- crime?
040205 -- Dogbert Consults Never listen to your customers. - They were dumb enough to buy your product, so they have no credibility. - That reminds me: Thanks for buying my services. Don't talk. Shhhh. ooh.
040206 -- Dogbert Consults Your company has become synonymous with incompetence and crime. - Stop trying to be all things to all people. Focus on either the incompetence *or* the crime. - For your new logo, I used computer graphics to create a composite
040206 -- face that looks totally incompetent.
040207 -- Alice, I want you to train Ned to do everything you do. - Don't worry that it will make you redundant and more easily downsizeable. - I like to start each day by sending threatening E-Mail to the board of directors.
040208 -- Dilbert, meet you new coworker, Buff Bufferman. - Tell Dilbert what you do for fun. - I like to go rock climbing during blizzards. Escape. - At the top, I wait for a pair of eagles to fly by. Then I leap off and grab them by the legs. - The
040208 -- eagles slow my descent to the raging river below. - I try to land on a floating log and surf the white water all the way home. - I use a keyboard. Isn't that dangerous? - Sometimes I type all hunched over. Ow! Ow! It hurts to hear it!
040209 -- I discovered a typo in the market forecast that is driving our company strategy. - Where it says, "Everyone would want one," it should have said, "Avery Wong would want one." - Worse yet, I called Mr. Wong and he said he was joking. What if we
040209 -- gave him free delivery?
040210 -- I finished the prototype for the wireless hassock-buddy. - It uses GPS navigation to stalk its owner and demand that he rest his feet. STOP! AAAGH!!! - Today I learned to avoid the words "stalk" and "aaagh" in my Powerpoint presentations.
040211 -- We haven't sold a single unit of our new wireless hassock product. - Our plan is to make the sales people work in teams and take turns wearing electroshock pants. - Now close the deal, Cliffy, or it's payback time. BUY IT!!! BUY IT!!!
040212 -- I'm a writer for "Morons on Parade" magazine. Do you mind if I ask you some questions? - Okay...but only if you promise to not make me look bad. - COVER STORY!!! WOO-HOO!!! Really?
040213 -- You made the cover of "Morons on Parade." - I hope they didn't misquote me so I'd look like a moron. Writers do that sometimes. - Phew!! All the quotes are accurate.
040214 -- Did you ever think about selling our confidential database of customer information? - It would be massively profitable while virtually undetectable. But highly unethical. - I don't know you anymore. - I'm yanking your chain. When do we start?
040215 -- Now Dilbert will explain what went wrong with our projects this year. - All of our problems were caused by a woman named Lisa. - Lisa never learned how to act aloof and unapproachable. Sometimes she smiles at men she doesn't even know. gasp
040215 -- gasp - As you know, 90% of engineers are lonely men. - A permanent line formed outside her cubicle. - The engineers brought her food, gifts and poems that weren't as funny as they'd hoped. Food Gifts Poems (bad) - I recommend replacing Lisa
040215 -- with someone more like this. - What's *that* supposed to mean? My poems aren't funny?
040216 -- Dogbert Consults To survive, you must create disruptive innovations that redefine the market. - Does that mean the same thing as "Sell things that people want"? There's one big difference. - You only get paid if you say it in a funky way? I
040216 -- like to think I'm disruptively innovative.
040217 -- Dogbert Consults I recommend forming a separate group to pursue disruptive innovations. - It will be a glorious place: fully funded, amazing ambiance, brilliant people, free from bureaucracy! - Bet of all, once in a year they'll let you losers
040217 -- tour their work space and sit in their bean bag chairs.
040218 -- My new home theater is amazing. - It's got a DVD, HD, DVR, FM, satellite dish, MP3, widescreen TV, seven speakers and a universal remote. - It's fun to invite people over so they can show me how to turn it on.
040219 -- Welcome to Dogbert's school for worthless sycophants. - Our first lesson is "Head Nodding for Beginners." - Good, good...now get ready to snap it forward.
040220 -- Sycophant School You must learn to agree with your superiors no matter what they say. - For practice, I'll make statements and you agree. Remember to use your fake smiles. - Statement one: I should be paid 400 times more than you because I have
040220 -- to look at your faces.
040221 -- I hate Ted. How can I make him quit? That's easy. - Hire an aggressive replacement for Ted who will share his resources and make his job unbearable. - THESE ARE *MY* PANTS!!! Are you still here?
040222 -- I heard that you got approval to hire a new senior engineer. - As an intern, I have performed all the functions of a senior engineer for the past five years. I am now ready for promotion. - I plan to hire someone from outside the company. -
040222 -- Must...control...tiny...fists..of intern fury. - I have approval to fill the senior engineer position but there's a ban on hiring new interns. - So if I promote you, my empire...oops...I mean my department won't grow. - GAAA!!! MY DESPAIR HAS
040222 -- TURNED INTO A SEARING PSYCHOLOGICAL PAIN!!! OW OW! OW! - That reminds me; I need you to train the new guy.
040223 -- I can make your competitors tired and unfocused. - I'll pester them with an endless series of charity requests, employee birthday parties and blood drives. - I know it works because they paid me to do it for you. So...tired. Can't...focus.
040224 -- According to this report, our employees are afraid to take risks. - We can train them to take risks by giving them stretch goals and punishing them for failing! - We did that to raise morale. It stopped all the complaining, didn't it?
040225 -- Every time our pointy-haired boss leaves his office, I sneak in and seal an air hole. - I'm trying to see if he'll suffocate when he closes his door. - I've never had a hobby before. I can see why people like them.
040226 -- Well, look who came back to dance with death. - Once again you will try to work me to an early grave and I will book you on dangerous business trips. - Who will be the first to drop? Who? What ever happened to "Good Morning"?
040227 -- I think my employees are trying to kill me. Am I paranoid? - Put your answer in an E-Mail. I don't want to be paying for the pauses between your words. - I've ruled out paranoia. Phew! That's a relief.
040228 -- Dogbert Consults You should offer your customers easy financing. - That disguises the true cost of your products so you can price-gouge and people will thank you. - How much are we paying you? I'm leasing my advice to you. Thank you!
040229 -- Gaaa!!! Our boss's boss is coming! Where? - zoop! Uh-oh. Hello, head-count. - I need to run tons of work. Why? Are you poorly managed? - No! We have everything we need! Everything is perfect! - So...was your boss confused, lying or misinformed
040229 -- when he asked me for more funding for your budget? . NOOO!!! IGNORE ME! I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING!!! Hmm. - Dilbert says you don't communicate with the staff, and you don't need money. - Phew! I'm glad that's over.
040301 -- We have too many managers so I'm making you an aspect manager. - You'll be in charge of one aspect of a corporate objective. - Please just fire me. Your aspect will be morale.
040302 -- I've been named the aspect manager of morale. Effective today, you no longer report to me. - YIPPEEE!!! WOO-HOO!! YES!! - How did you improve the morale so quickly? I'm a genius?
040303 -- Carol, two things: First, I got transferred to a new job, and that means your job here is eliminated. - Why must I suffer from your massive incompetence? Your worthless pile of stinkin' crud!!! - And the second thing? I'll need a secretary at
040303 -- the new job.
040304 -- I'm Zenox, the new manager of this coven...I mean department. - When I am displeased I make this face and growl like the undead. GRROW-EEAHH! - The new dress code is "winged monkey." If a man acted like you, he'd be called tough.
040305 -- The New Boss Maybe you'll be more motivated with a goat head. - The spell won't go away until you finish your project. - She's a big improvement over our last boss. She's sadistic but she's fair.
040306 -- When I found out that the manager who replaced me was a witch, I set a fire in the break room. - The automatic sprinkler system came on and melted her. Witches don't like water. - Are you glad to have me back? I've been doing CPR on this blob
040306 -- for two days!!!
040307 -- I worked nights and weekends to finish my project ahead of schedule. - God. Here's more work. - I don't understand. Am I being punished for working hard? - No, you're being rewarded with exciting new challenges. spronig! - Why does the plant
040307 -- grow faster when you say things like that? No reason. - STOP THAT! - Anyway, your annual performance review will reward your hard work. - That is one well-fertilized plant.
040308 -- This week I achieved unprecedented levels of unverifiable productivity. - I made phone calls, built consensus, displayed leadership, attended meetings and set priorities. - And then we have this meeting.
040309 -- How can I make my job more enjoyable? - Get a spouse who complains a lot and then have a few kids. - That sounds awful. You won't believe how much you enjoy being at work.
040310 -- I can't put this banana peel in my trash; it will stink all day. - toss - Apparently my teamwork speech wore off.
040311 -- We only have a 10% repeat customer rate whereas prisons have a 70% rate of recidivism. - We need to focus our marketing on criminals because they don't learn from experience. - Order now and get a free knuckle tattoo plus our free book "1,001
040311 -- Nicknames for Women."
040312 -- It's called a 360-degree review. You get to evaluate me at no risk of retribution. - No matter what you say about me, you will only be judged on the quality of your work. - Sometimes you are lazy, evil and manipulative. The quality of your work
040312 -- just went way down.
040313 -- You can manipulate people by lying about what other people said. - If your victim goes to the source and discovers your treachery, say, "of course he tells *you* that." - Your advice doesn't sound healthy. That's not what the Mayo clinic said.
040314 -- I need a day off to attend my twin sister's funeral. - A whole day?? How well did you know her? - She...was...my...*twin*. But not identical! - How does that matter? Well...she didn't even look like you. - And yet you want a whole day for a
040314 -- service that takes fifteen minutes. - GAAA!!! IT WOULD BE IMPOSSIBLE TO BE MORE INSENSITIVE!!!! - I'll compromise. My per gerbil is on his last legs. I'll give you the day off if you toss him in the casket so I don't have to bury him myself. -
040314 -- When do you think it will die? Depends. How much does your sister weigh?
040315 -- Out target market is people who don't shop carefully. - Our product is designed to attack the user and force him to reorder. - We only have on customer but we've sold 10,000 units.
040316 -- There is an error on my tiny paycheck. it is four dollars too much. gasp - Now you must travel to the bowels of the bureaucracy to correct this injustice. - Or I could just keep it as a reward for my honesty. BOWELS I SAY!
040317 -- I don't like the looks of this. Bureaucracy - I only want to correct a small payroll error. - Can you help me? Does it help if I glare at you for disturbing my lunch?
040318 -- Are you the troll that handles the payroll system? I have a problem. - Problems are handled by our automated sadistic phone system. - For tech support, press the exact value of 22 divided by 7.
040319 -- I move the meeting to Tuesday. I can't make it on Tuesday. - Somehow I think the marketing team can survive one meeting without engineering support. - We'll include a pet gerbil in every box. We just need to make sure it's in a sealed plastic
040319 -- bag so it won't chew on the cables.
040320 -- Hey, do you have the reliability specs for the X4Hb? - 20 Seconds later Uh-oh, he's a slow responder. The stare is creeping me out. - Gaaa!!! Say something! Please acknowledge my existence!!! reset
040321 -- Our director of marketing will give us an update. - We spent our entire marketing budget buying a racehorse. - We named the horse after our flagship product because they're both fast. Get it? - Unfortunately we didn't have enough budget for a
040321 -- thoroughbred. - Our horse broke its leg walking to the starting gate, so we shot it. - Next year we plan to sponsor a sailboat. - Anyway...your lunch today is brought to you by the marketing department. Enjoy! - Hey, my roast beef sandwich has a
040321 -- piece of lead in it.
040322 -- To defend against lawsuits, our records retention policy has been updated to include this... - BAM! - What was I talking about? The records retention policy.
040323 -- Would you consider speaking at my son's school on "Carreer Day"? - I'd do it myself but I can't disguise the bitterness and despair that gnaw at my soul. - Plus my son has been bad and I told him I'd punish him. I'd be honored to speak.
040324 -- Carreer Day When you grow you'll be put in a container called a cubicle. - The bleak oppressiveness will warp your spine and destroy your capacity to feel joy. - Luckily, you'll have a boss like me to motivate you with something called fear.
040324 -- May I see a brochure?
040325 -- Carreer Day ...and that's why you should have a pre-meeting before every meeting. Any questions? - How long will my generation need to work? A month? Sixty years. - I see that you've connected all the dots.
040326 -- Wally is in the men's room. I've accepted a position as his seat filler. - This is the proudest day of my life. I never imagined that my career would work out so well. - I want to scream at the world, "look at me now!" False alarm. You're
040326 -- fired.
040327 -- Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources Your position has been excessed, or as I prefer to say... - I WILL TEAR THE FLESH FROM YOUR BONES!!! - Phew! I love that yoga move! There is like, no hope for a hug, right?
040328 -- Remember, quality is our top priority. Quality - Question: is it more important than safety? - Ooh...I forgot about that one. - Question: is quality more important than obeying the law? - Well, probably not. - If we could maximize shareholder
040328 -- value by selling lower quality items... - ...wouldn't we have a fiduciary responsibility to do it? Hmm - Quality I'm sure it's in the top four. What if we had to die to achieve quality?
040329 -- I plan to start my own television talk show. - I'll change my name to "Doctor Dogbert" so people think I'm qualified to call them lazy, immoral, fat morons. - You already call people those names. Yeah, but I want them to thank me for it.
040330 -- Doctor Dogbert Show Your problem is that you're a lazy, selfish, immoral moron. - Shouldn't you listen to my story before passing judgment? - I'm adding "time-waster" to the list. You're like a miracle worker!
040331 -- Doctor Dogbert Show My next guest is addicted to plastic surgery. - I've always liked the whole dinosaur look, so I just went for it. - Do you have some plainspoken advice for me? Shut up, you freak.
040401 -- Doctor Dogbert Show Today we'll meet a couple who have a common problem. - I make him sleep in a gigantic hot dog bun. Can I see it? no...please. - And the problem is that he snores.
040402 -- What's that thing? It's my son. He couldn't go to school today. - Taylor, go shake hands with the pointy-haired man. - What does he have? I don't think it has a name yet. chomp
040403 -- Do you mind if I put your picture on my stapler? - Well, I don't allow personal items on desktops, but I'll make an exception. - Eat paper, you ignorate parasite! Ha ha ha!!!
040404 -- This was a productive four-hour leadership meeting. - I'd like one of you to type up your notes and send an E-Mail to the entire company. - - No one took notes? I didn't have a pen. - Okay, no problem. Does anyone remember what we decided? - We
040404 -- agreed to increase...something. No, decrease something. - Never mind. Let's try it again on Thursday at 8 A.M. - When is the next leadership meeting? I should have written that down.
040405 -- Job Applicant How do you reward your top performers? - I keep increasing their workloads until their performances become average. - So...why would anyone try to excel? I use only the finest motivation posters.
040406 -- I plan to start my own no-frills airline. - For only $23, I'll let people hold out their arms and run to their destinations. - And they won't be allowed to eat or swallow their own saliva.
040407 -- I've added mumbling and peevishness to my work-avoidance arsenal. - I get the benefits of appearing knowledgeable without the burden of sharing. - Um...I didn't hear what you said. SHEEEESH!!!
040408 -- May I borrow your chair for a meeting? - Okay, but leave your wallet, keys, company I.D. and one shoe with me. - I'm your chief financial officer. Then I also need your PDA and one sock.
040409 -- Our accounting system is so inaccurate that we don't know how profitable anything is. - It's so bad that you could manage randomly and claim success no matter what happens. - I was looking for funding, not a hug.
040410 -- Wally, do you have the approved vendor list? It's on the net. The password is "Wally." - Hm...you always say information is on the net when I know it's not. Yet, by mentioning a password, it sounds plausible. - So...first I'll find out that the
040410 -- password has changed. Then I'll find out that the list is out of date. What am I forgetting? user name
040411 -- You pay will be calculated a new way. Then I said, "Teal isn't a color." - Shhh! No side conversations. - ...multiplied by the base salary... I think it's a spice. - NO SIDE CONVERSATIONS!!! It's like cilantro. - I can't help it. I'm the kind
040411 -- of guy who needs to talk or else it feels like my head will explode. - Let's test that theory. mmph! - Wow! That worked out better than I'd hoped.
040412 -- I'm starting a company that specializes in doing tainted research. - The association of doughnut makers asked me to prove that skinny people can't go to heaven. - Did you see a bright light before the doctors revived you? No, why?
040413 -- This is the Dogbert Research Company. Have you ever been killed by a poorly designed product? ...no? - My tainted research shows that your products haven't killed anyone. - For an extra $50,000, I can call a second person. I don't want to jinx
040413 -- it.
040414 -- We need to get you on TV to publicize the tainted research I did. - The media like celebrities, blood, environmental issues and humor. - Someone pushed a pointy-haired man in front of Larry David's hybrid card today.
040415 -- Have you made your mother proud by becoming a manager? No. - Have you made your son proud by hosting a cooking show on television? - You could call the show "Cooking with too much salt." How did you get this way?
040416 -- The status of my project is that you ignored five of my e-mails and seven of my voicemails. - I tried to corner you in the hallway, but you filled all the air space with stories about your sinuses and scampered away. - Speaking of which,
040416 -- hoo-boy! I'd like to hear those stories.
040417 -- Sales are dropping like a rock. sales - Our plan is to invent some sort of doohickey that everyone wants to buy. future - The visionary leadership work is done. How long will your part take?
040418 -- I'm going into the extreme makeover business. - I'm planning to take it to the next level. - You'd look good with antlers. - And the nose has to go. Go? - Your tiny ears are out of proportion. THESE are ears. - I'll also rearrange your fat so
040418 -- you can't see it. - I'll toss in a few extras after you're unconscious. - Guess how old I am!
040419 -- Maybe I should sell this house and get a newer one. I'll be the real estate agent. - I said maybe. A good real estate agent doesn't know the meaning of that word. - Things are moving too fast! I've lost control of the process! Pack your stuff,
040419 -- waffler. Escrow closes in ten days.
040420 -- Dogbert The Real Estate Agent When it rains, the sewer backs up and covers the driveway. Lake view. - Every spring, rabid squirrels rip off huge chunks of the roof to look for food. Seasonal skylight. - The dry brush behind the house is a fire
040420 -- hazard. Potential...fire...place.
040421 -- The Real Estate Agent Initial every page of this steaming mound of documents. - This says that if I insist on overpricing my house then my agent can run over me with an SUV and... - ...sell my clothes to a scarecrow manufacturer. It's rarely
040421 -- enforced.
040422 -- The Real Estate Agent The first property costs $10 million. - It's covered with endangered frogs, and it's next to a banshee farm. - The access road is a narrow path across a boiling cesspool of tormented souls.
040423 -- The Real Estate Agent If you don't buy the house I showed you, someone else will. - And every time it appreciates another million dollars you will cry out, "Why was I so stupid?! Why?! Why?!" - And I'll be all, "Lo-o-o-ser!" Are you really not
040423 -- allowed to show me more than one house?
040424 -- It feels unmanly to hire movers. I should be able to do this with a few friends and a pickup truck. - The movers just pulled up. I don't like feeling weak. - I can walk by myself! On those little legs?
040425 -- Your last job was...international pop star? Right. - Hey, I recognize you! I bought your last CD! No, you didn't. - When I said "bought," I mean downloaded. - Exactly, I didn't sell one CD. Everyone downloaded it. - Weren't you already rich? My
040425 -- business manager stole everything. - You could perform live. Too many musicians, not enough venues. - Now do you make music for the love of it? I burned my guitar for heat. - I bought your new CD! NO YOU DIDN'T
040426 -- Why does the new engineer get paid more than I do? How do you justify that??! - Unlike you, he doesn't have a bad attitude. - I have a good attitude! Look at this smile! Look! MY EYES!!!
040427 -- Here are all the suggestions from the suggestions box. - Give us more money. Give us more money. Give us more money. Give us more money. Hey, there's one with a little diagram. - The wavy lines mean it's hot there. Is that why the pointy-haired
040427 -- guy is sad?
040428 -- Catbert the Evil Director of H.R. Married employees cost us more because spouses get benefits. - If we can get our employees to marry each other, we'll save money. - Have you ever noticed how the fluorescent light glistens off of Wally's head?
040429 -- I'm addicted to spam. I can't resist it. - Last week I bought every pill that was offered and took them at the same time. - Let me tell you, there are a few pills you don't want to mix with the Ginkgo Biloba.
040430 -- I recommend that we eliminate the least popular features because they cost us more than they generate in revenue. - I have an idea. Let's eliminate the least popular features to save money. - I suggest that we eliminate the least popular
040430 -- features. I steal that idea to infinity.
040501 -- You can rob your small suppliers by making unauthorized deductions from their invoices. - When they complain, say it's a standard industry practice and threaten to take your business elsewhere! - Then make them dance like chickens! Ha ha!
040501 -- Chickens are funny!
040502 -- Dogbert Explains Stock Investing Pay attention. - First, employees provide valuable data. Is your project on schedule? I didn't know I had a project. - A manager refines the data. We're on schedule. - The CEO gives "visibility" to analysis. No
040502 -- problems whatsoever. - Accountants publish bad news in footnotes using a combination of nanotechnology and gibberish. Still too obvious. - Discount brokerage firms tell you that you're smart. Use your own ideas! - Investors do their own
040502 -- research. Buy it because I did. Thank you, unbiased stranger! - A secret society of Donald Trump lookalikes end up with all your money. You're fired. You are!
040503 -- Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources I'm working 80 hours a week. I barely have time to bathe. - Try using your tongue during meetings. It's like a bath and a loofah all in one. - Or I could do less work. - That's crazy talk.
040504 -- We still have too many software faults. We'll miss our ship date. - Move the list of faults to the "future development" column and ship it. - 90% of this job is figuring out what to call stuff.
040505 -- I'm going to a meeting with my boss. Did you stretch first? - You need to limber up your lying muscles or you'll strain something. - Really? Things are going that well??! Didn't stretch.
040506 -- We've moved our call centers to Elbonia but we don't think anyone will notice. - Hello, how may I help you? My name is Kruphnehdahpheweundikaniswalyniaphorganopop. - I mean...Carl.
040507 -- Elbonian Call Center We don't have that software in stock. - But may I interest you in a set of porcelain unicorn figurines that wear pants? - Really? Wow. your country has way too much money.
040508 -- Elbonian Call Center Remember to use your American accents! - Yee-haa!! Let's put the dawg in the Chevy! Look at the size of my missiles!! - We only do it that way in the cafeteria. Oops. Sorry.
040509 -- Can I talk to you after the mandatory meeting? - Whoa! Whoa! I didn't give you approval to attend that meeting. - The meeting is mandatory. Approval is mandatory, too. - Okay, whatever. May I go to the *mandatory* meeting? - All requests must
040509 -- be in writing. - IT'S MANDATORY!!! MAN-DUH-TORY!!! - If people start bending the rules, before long, murder will be legal. - That was the finest mandatory meeting I've ever attended! They handed out cash! Shut up.
040510 -- So I was dancing with Madonna and went "Vogue" like this. She liked the idea and made a video. - You've either had a fascinating life or you're a huge liar. I'm still undecided. - Ghandi said the same thing. So I said, "I'm not eating until you
040510 -- take it back."
040511 -- The Non-Credible Guy And that's how I invented "Reality TV." - Why don't you keep telling me preposterous stories while I stare at you with a mixture of hostility and curiosity? - And then Einstein asked me to entertain his relatives while he
040511 -- thought of a name for his new theory. Good, good.
040512 -- The Non-Credible Guy Did you get approval for these expenses? What? Oh, yes, I did. - Why does everything you say sound so suspicious? Because I just had a heart transplant. - I'd like to see a note from your surgeon. He's illiterate.
040513 -- Wally, I want you to update the safety manual and distribute it. - I don't have much of a budget for binders, so use the cheapest ones you can find. - Hello, this is "Deadly Binders, Inc." How may I injure you?
040514 -- I need your approval on the new safety manual. - GAAA!!! SHARP EDGES!!! GAAA!!! IT GRABBED MY HAND!!! - Chapter one: wear protective gloves and safety goggles at all times. AAAIIEEE!!!
040515 -- Workplace injuries are up ten thousand percent since I distributed the new safety manuals. - The binders have sharp edges and, apparently, a curse. I asked Asok to help put it on our web site. - Hands...so numb. Eyes...strained. Blood
040515 -- pressure rising...
040516 -- Would you review my celebrity business plan? Sure. - First, I'll commit a sensational crime that the media can't ignore. - Then I'll hire celebrity lawyer Johnny "Red" Galipigos to help me beat the rap. - I'll use my fame to land a part on a
040516 -- reality TV show where I will win by cheating. - Then I'll gain a massive amount of weight so the tabloids will fixate on me. burp - Then I'll become a spokesperson for a weight loss product. It works! - Lastly, I'll write children's books. What
040516 -- about rehab? - Good catch. I totally forgot the part where I get addicted to painkillers. Otherwise, it looks good.
040517 -- Today is the day that the Secret Society of Executive Secretaries takes over the world. - Carol, what's on my schedule this morning? - Subjugation, humiliation and misery! Ha ha ha! How's the afternoon.
040518 -- Welcome to the  Secret Society of Executive Secretaries. - Today we will wrest power from our evil overlords! Tomorrow we'll rule the world! - Then Connie pointed out that we'd need our own secretaries, and the whole thing went apart.
040519 -- Our CEO says he wants to change the DNA of this company. What's that mean? - I don't know. It sounds medical. I'm frightened. - Hold me. Keep your stale DNA away from me.
040520 -- There seems to be more stupidity than usual at work. - Borrow my anti-stupidious gun. It annihilates the stupid part of a person and leaves the rest intacts. cool - I should have read the directions more carefully.
040521 -- You've exceeded your E-Mail storage allocation on the server again. - That's because I do real work as opposed to walking around with a piece of paper. - It's not a piece of paper; it's a *document*! I can't hear you over the sound of my real
040521 -- work.
040522 -- Hey, Dilby, Dil-Boy, Dilly-Dally, Dilbo Baggins, Dill Pickle! - I need a favor. Does it involve spitting on your grave? - I'm not dead. Well then, I guess we both need a favor.
040523 -- Performance Review People say you're too negative in meetings. - Negative? When? - According to the marketing department, you poopooed a number of their ideas... - ...the cold fusion scooter, perpetual motion clothes dryer, antigravity pants,
040523 -- MRI vending machine, and the list goes on. - Those are terrible ideas! - NEGATIVE ATTITUDE!!! GOTCHA!!! - Okay, you're right. From now on, I will support all terrible ideas. Good. - It's a tongue scraper *and* a frozen flagpole! Can it be
040523 -- electrified?
040524 -- Visiting a Customer Our office was designed with the science of Feng Shui. - Should I describe the technical merits of our product or will you be consulting with a witch doctor? - Ooops, sorry. That one stuck up on me. He's an astrologer, not a
040524 -- witch doctor.
040525 -- Customer Visit I can see from your zombie stare that you don't understand technical talk. - Let me try it in a language I call "Liberal Arts Major." - It's blue. It has a color??!
040526 -- His name is Kudos, the bear-er of good morale! - He's our new mascot. He'll attend all of our meetings until morale improves. - Today is Asok's turn in the suit.
040527 -- I'll escape the horror of this meeting by taking my mind to a happy place. - Aaah...a pool of warm coffee; what could be better? -
040528 -- If I cut your product development budget by 25%, what could you develop? - Ulcers, heart disease and maybe mysterious pustules. - How about the product itself? It will envy me.
040529 -- Project Meeting I'll have to cut a few corners because of the budget process. - If we skip design, prototype, testing and manufacturing, we can afford the product recall. - We'll save on shipping, too. Is bungle the same as juggle?
040530 -- Yesterday, someone in this room gave me a document with a yellow paper clip. - I know that multi-colored paper clips look "pretty." - But I remind you that we are on a tight budget! - We can't be throwing away all our money on colorful paper
040530 -- clips. - DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?!! - I salvaged that paper clip from incoming mail. - Now excuse me while I stare at my watch and wonder how much you're paid per hour. - I'm sure you've done inefficient things that I don't know about. Two
040530 -- minutes is...$5.
040531 -- Gaaa!!! How could you do this without first checking with me??!! - My philosophy is that it's better to seek forgiveness than to ask for permission. - Did he say you could rip out his heart and sell it on the Internet? Kinda.
040601 -- Evil Director of H.R. It's illegal for me to ask about age, sex, martial status, weight, ethnicity or disabilities. - But I can see that you're a fifty-year-old, 145-pound, mongrel spinster with some coordination issues. - Do you have any
040601 -- problem working on Christmas?
040602 -- I got a bad case of ergophobia. It's an abnormal and persistent fear of work. - Isn't everything about you a little abnormal and persistent? - Yeah, but I'm still delighted when I discover new words for me.
040603 -- Asok, let's go to lunch. I'll buy. Really? - We'll have some wine, maybe talk about people that we both know. Fun! - And what does Dilbert call me? The Fertiliar! Ha ha!
040604 -- Uh-oh, someone wants me to make a decision. - I summon the dark demon of ineffective management to smite the person who wants this decision!!! - Maybe I could help you make the decision. I requested smiting.
040605 -- My pointy-haired overlord sent me to smite you for requesting that he make a decision. - HEY! WHAT THE...? EAT DRYWALL, DEMON!!! - Hey, it's a fresh one!
040606 -- Did you see all of the typos in Dilbert's E-Mail? - Were you confused about its meaning? - No, that's not the point. - Then I don't know what your point is. - I think he should be more professional, that's all. - So, instead of sending clear,
040606 -- efficient messages, he should follow your example and... - ...be a gossipy, critical, time-waster who values appearance over function? - Are you done hurting me now? I'm saving a scoffing sound for you when you turn to leave.
040607 -- I hired a new prima donna. I already hate his guts, but he's indispensable. - He'll be dividing his time between being obnoxious and and undermining my authority. - And the rules don't apply to him. I declare this a pants-optional zone.
040608 -- The Prima Donna Behold my indispensable greatness! No technical problem can thwart me! - I wear no pants, as proof that I am above the rules. I am the Alpha and the Omega! - Would you like to see a scoff, jeer, gibe, mock, sneer, fleer or flout?
040608 -- Fleer, I guess.
040609 -- Pantless Prima Donna May I ask you a question? Silence, fool! - Alert the patent office that I am about to begin. They might want to increase staff. - Maybe you should turn on your computer. I don't do hardware.
040610 -- Pantless Prima Donna I demand an assistant to document my miracles. - That which I touch will be tagged for the Smithonian. That which I create will be framed for the Louvre. - Really? An exciting assignment? What is it?
040611 -- Asok, I want you to work for the prima donna. Do whatever he tells you. - May I point out that he has never produced anything except arrogance and noise? - You will stand behind me, and when I end a sentence, you will either say, "Ta-da" or
040611 -- "Case closed." Ta-da
040612 -- Tina, why did you call me a flaming #$%!!? I'm so sorry. - That was my E-Mail personality. My real-time personality is kind an gentle. - Oh okay. Never speak to me again, you miserable clump of decaying compost!
040613 -- ? - Excuse me. May I ask a question? - You're blasting your music while your window is open, so I'm wondering... - Are you thinking that the people around you are enjoying your musical choices? - Or are you a psychopath, prone to egocentric,
040613 -- antisocial behavior? - Or is it a desperate, misguided attempt to improve your odds of finding a mate? - It's actually a simple case of peer imitation and cognitive dissonance that causes me to selectively filter my perceptions. - I like that
040613 -- song. - Great! Now I suddenly hate it! You ruined everything!
040614 -- I own a small business. - It's imperative that you pay us on time or else we'll go out of business. - And then you wouldn't ever need to pay...oh, dear, lord, what have I said?!!
040615 -- I may be a small businessman but i can provide a quality product to your company. - I'll ask Alice to show you how to get into our preferred vendor system. - He can already invoice! He has your scowl.
040616 -- Hey Dilbert, what are you doing for the Editda today? The what? - Ebitda means the earnings before interest, taxes, deprecation, and um...ammonia. - Are you sure about ammonia? Why must you be so accretive?
040617 -- When you ask me questions, I usually wave my hand and say, "Bah!" - But from now on, I'll say "why do you want to know?" and then I'll say, "bah!" over your answer. - How often do you hear the phrase "it's been nice talking to you?" Not so
040617 -- much.
040618 -- Now that our profits are improving, can I have a raise? - If I start giving people raises, then profits will plummet and we'll be nowhere. - Does your bonus depend on how effectively you oppress me? If you don't like it, try communism.
040619 -- The leadership team can't decide where to make the deepest budget cuts. - But don't worry. I offered to bring a systematic, data-driven focus to the process. - A death spiral goes clockwise north of the equator. Budget Cuts research design
040619 -- sales mapcom
040620 -- Dilbert, you'll absorb Bill's project when he transfers. - Don't worry; he'll tell you everything you need to know. - The watchamacallit has to be whatever or else the who sits will go hey-hey. - Now this is either the budget total or a fax
040620 -- number. - It's absolutely critical that you...um...I lost my train of thought. - Do you have a list of key contacts? That would have been a good idea. - Can I call you if I have questions? You can try. - I love my co-workers, until they talk.
040621 -- You know what I admire about you, Alice? - You obviously value performance over appearance. Thank you. - Wait...if that was a compliment, why is my fist of death tingling?
040622 -- I'm about halfway finished with the online study class on sexual harassment. - Wally, we don't have an online study course on sexual harassment. - That would explain why all the actors seemed so happy.
040623 -- Why did you leave your last job? - They told me that I have incredibly poor judgment. - So I sued them.
040624 -- According to your resume, you left your last job because you "allegedly stole lots of great stuff." - Technically, if they catch you in the parking lot, and you give it back, that's not stealin'. - And you buried a German tourist in your
040624 -- cellar. *ONE* TIME!
040625 -- You're an hour late for an interview. - You're working me to death! I'm only one person! I need a vacation! - You're supposed to say that stuff *after* I hire you. - O-o-oh...suddenly I can't do anything right?
040626 -- I can't find any highly trained job applicants who want an unpleasant work environment and low pay. - I miss the old days where a man would build a skyscraper with his bare hands just to make you stop hitting him with a shovel - Did they have a
040626 -- dental plan? Yes. They called it "Duck!!!"
040627 -- Why It's Great To Be An Engineer - Hi, Dilbert! Hi...there. - He doesn't remember my name. - Say it! Say my name! Hey, Dilbert. - Now he'll be forced to introduce me. Hee-hee! Am I interrupting anything? - It's awkward for you now. Ha ha!
040627 -- Squirm, you name forgetter. - The pressure to introduce me must be killing you. Ha ha! - Do you have the new hardware specs? Follow me. - Who was that guy? What guy?
040628 -- My life is a rolling disaster. - I'm a magnet for all problems legal, financial, medical and romantic. - Uh-oh...I sense another disaster brewing. She's cute. I think I'll stalk her every day.
040629 -- I'm bored, it's time to stalk the new hire. - How long is the wait? About forty-five minutes. - When romance is involved, it's good to have a plan "B."
040630 -- Your life is a rolling disaster, so I figure I should ask you for a date. - I'm hoping that the source of your problems is that you consistently make poor choices. - Maybe you could buy some groceries and make me a nice dinner. Would you like
040630 -- to move in with me?
040701 -- How's your stalking of the new hire going? We have a date for tomorrow. - She's in an employee orientation meeting. Uh-oh. - Module four is about identifying workplace hazards.
040702 -- I'll arrange my papers to signal that I want this meeting to end. tap tap tap  - C'MON, TAKE A HINT! TAP TAP TAP So, as I was saying... - The man would *not* take a hint. I *said* it's *all gone*!
040703 -- We only have two people on the third floor. Let's move them to our empty cubes and sublet the space. - Write a business case with all the risks and business drivers and I'll consider it. - I changed my mind. We shouldn't do anything. I need a
040703 -- business case for that, too.
040704 -- Carol, I need ten minutes on the pointy-haired boss' schedule. - I don't let him have meetings anymore. - What? - Every time he had a meeting it just created more work for me. - It was always "Carol, get me a file," and "Carol, schedule another
040704 -- meeting." - Obviously I had to put an end to the madness. - I guess I could E-Mail him. You could try. -
040705 -- Shut the door. We need to talk about what you've done. What?! RING - Gaaa!!! Please don't leave me hanging! What have I done??! Hello. - My watch stopped. No, wait, I think time itself stopped!!! Note: time-frozen people look exactly like this.
040706 -- Time has stopped until my boss gives me the bad news that he hinted was coming. - Maybe I'll use the time to invent a new language and grow a beard. - An Eternity Later Ee-yo nebab wanponi grep. I forgot why I wanted to talk to you.
040707 -- I grew the beard while waiting for my boss to get off the phone. - Then I realized I don't need to exercise because no one expects bearded guys to have any discipline. - I'll have everything on the even-numbered pages, a cigar and...do you sell
040707 -- suspenders?
040708 -- I save so much time by not shaving that I'm considering giving up all forms of hygiene. - I'd phase into it by having a few unwashed telecommuting days per week. - And if you wear clown shoes, you never need to clip your toenails. I should be
040708 -- writing this down.
040709 -- I decided to shave off the beard I grew when I was waiting for my boss to get off the phone. Beard? I hadn't noticed. - This will take awhile, so I'll wait until time slows down to a crawl and do it then. - Did I ever tell you about my first
040709 -- job as an envelope licker? click
040710 -- Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources - We're planning a goodbye party for downsizers. - I'm making T-Shirts so it's easy to tell who the special guests are. - I'm special I got the last of the cake.
040711 -- Dilbert, this is Proxis. I recruited him from the Gullible Nebula. - I convinced him to relocate his family. Hello. - My spaceship was destroyed during the landing, but that's no problem. - I expect to work here for the rest of my 300-year
040711 -- lifespan. - That reminds me: we need to talk. - Your job function has been outsourced. I have to let you go.  Your severance package is: I grab you by the snout and fling you onto the sidewalk. - May I use you as a reference?
040712 -- I'm crushing into my fifth month with no written objectives. - Some philosophers would say that having no objectives means I'm free to help any team that asks. - My personal philosophy is more along the lines of hiding.
040713 -- I want you to negotiate the sale of our voice activated hassock business. - You're not allowed to lie, but I expect plenty of omissions, misdirections, exaggerations... - ...unjustified optimism, lost documents, unclear explanations, gay areas
040713 -- and tactical ignorance. Oh, and say we have other offers.
040714 -- Negotiating I've been authorized to tell you that we have other offers. - I can tell you from your phraseology that you've been ordered to lie and you're not good at it. - What makes you think something like that? There it is again!
040715 -- Negotiating My opening offer is... - Thank you, thank you, thank you.  We accept your offer!!! I haven't said the offer. - I mean, we have lots of other offers that are better. You're ruining everything.
040716 -- Negotiating So far we've agreed that my company will take all the expenses and legal liabilities. - Your company will take all of the revenue, patents and public credit. - But where it says I'll dig you a swimming pool with my bare hands, I
040716 -- will *not* do that.  You win! You can use a spoon.
040717 -- Your stock just plunged on the news that you're going to acquire another company. - Have you noticed that your stock goes down whenever you do anything? - I'll buy a few shares if you'll agree to sit motionlessly in your cubicle.
040718 -- I need help motivating the staff. - What have you already tried? - Threats, belittling, humiliation, empty promises, berating, slogans, posters and bullying. - Hmm...we can't praise them or else they'd ask for raises.
040718 -- Maybe they can be motivated by the importance of their work. - Their work is making second-rate products to sell to idiots so our executives can afford trophy wives. - Have you tried yelling until your face turns purple? - MAKE THREE COPIES,
040718 -- PLEASE!!! This is new.
040719 -- Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources Stock options will be replaced with a bonus system. - So...now my happiness depends on the kindness of management instead of the gullibility of our customers? - Allow me to respond by hacking a hairball
040719 -- in your direction.
040720 -- We can't afford to hire any trained employees. Hire feral employees. - Where do I find feral employees? I saw some in the alley. - Who wants a creamer?
040721 -- I hired a feral employee. - He's inexpensive because he's totally untrained. CHOMP Ouch! - So far he knows how to eat food and run away.
040722 -- The Feral Employee I'm taking a chance by hiring you. Don't make me regret it. - Today, some of my seasoned professionals will teach you to use indoor plumbing. - Look! Look at me! The newspaper tucks under the arm!
040723 -- The Feral Employee Hi, little fella. What's your name? Will - You look totally untamed. I like a challenge. - Give me one month and I'll have you wearing bicycle pants while you mow my lawn. hissss
040724 -- The Feral Employee Marketing wouldn't give me the product specs. - So I made this face and rifled through their dumpster. - And you found the product specs? French fry.
040725 -- Our VP of Marketing is here to describe our new bet-the-company strategy. - We'll saturate the airwaves with an ad campaign featuring a talking squirrel. - He'll have a fake Norwegian accent like, "Geeve me zee nuts." Ha ha! - Any questions?
040725 -- Yes, you with the strange head. - How will a talking squirrel make people buy our products? - - I just realized I'm a complete fraud. I'll pack up my desk and leave immediately. - Can we get through *one* meeting without you ruining everything?
040726 -- I forgot how many quarters are in a year. Two. - Unless it's a leap year; then you have two quarters plus a penny. - Maybe I'll say that at the board meeting to sound smart. I'M FREE!!
040727 -- Hey, Dilbert! How would you like to go to lunch? Alone. - Alone! Ha ha! But then you'd miss out on this great opportunity! - It's multi-level marketing plus a diet plan suggested by the bible! Shoot me.
040728 -- We dug up the founder of our company and wrapped him in copper wire. - Then we replaced his tombstone with a huge magnet. - With any luck, our business practices will make him spin in his grave and generate electricity.
040729 -- I got a hefty bonus for being way under budget. - Effort is no longer rewarded. It's all about results, which means mostly luck. - It's kinda funny; the only reason I was under budget is that my project was delayed. GAAAA!!!
040730 -- I'm late because my car wouldn't start in the cold. It's warm outside. - There's a little thing called the wind-chill factor. Hello-o-o-o!!! - That was wrong on so many levels. Someday I gotta get me a car.
040731 -- This is Dogbert's Tech Support. Your problem is caused by another company's product or services. - Shouldn't I tell you my problem before you determine the cause? - Okay, let's pretend that will change my answer.
040801 -- I lost my I.D. badge. - Report to the security office and get a new one. - Hold it! Where do you think you're going? To the security office? - No one is allowed past this desk without an I.D. badge. - Okay...how do I go to the security office if
040801 -- I can't go to the security office? - Good question. I guess you'll have to sneak past me. - Look over there! It's an angel, and she's giving away free bacon! - Well, well; it seems I've found a worthy adversary.
040802 -- We've had a bad year but management is committed to staying the course. - Question: Did you just say our leaders are receiving huge compensation packages to keep doing what doesn't work? - No. The way I said it, they're visionaries. So...they
040802 -- keep doing what doesn't work...and they see visions?
040803 -- I've decided to become an optometrist for near-sighted visionaries. - They're ideal customers because they never expect the worst. - Which price am I most likely to charge you? The low one!
040804 -- Optometrist For Visionary Executives Look through this solid block of wood. - Is this better or worse? Better. - I foresee forty quarters of growth. Hey, new glasses?
040805 -- My voice mailbox is full, and my spam filter rejects all incoming E-Mail. - As soon as I build up a good load of ear wax, I'll be off the grid. - Wally, we need to talk. EH?
040806 -- Hey, mullet-head, this is for you. What did you call me? - Oops. I used the nickname that everyone in the office has for you. - My work is done. It's just a little long in the back!
040807 -- Our corporate goal is to become one of Fortune Magazine's top 100 companies to work for. - We hope to do it without giving you any additional money, benefits or freedom. - Then how could you possibly motivate us to say we're happy to
040807 -- work...uh-oh.
040808 -- I'm starting a credit reporting company. - I'll be the low-cost provider because all of my data will be wrong. - What will you do when people call and complain that you ruined their lives? - I'll put them on hold until their frustrations turn
040808 -- into debilitating health problems. - Their last words will be "Aaagh!!! I only wanted to buy a minivan!" - Death will accomplish what customer service could not. - I'm just curious: do you have any qualms about your business plan? Any at all? -
040808 -- I'm not sure. Do qualms make you wag?
040809 -- We have a bad connection, so listen carefully. - Throw...my...desk...off...building... Okay. - I hope that sounded like "go through my desk and office and find the building codes."
040810 -- Are you sure that our pointy-haired boss said to throw his desk off the building? - Well, his cell phone had a really bad connection. - Do you care? Not so much.
040811 -- Send the salary spreadsheet to human resources. - Don't let anyone else see it. That sort of information could sow the seeds of discontent. - We'd have massive disloyalty, fights, vandalism, maybe even riots.
040812 -- Look...Carol accidentally sent the salary spreadsheet to everyone in the department! - What??! Your pay is higher than mine??! But you*'re like a...a... - Wizard? Swollen appendix.
040813 -- I just saw a list of everyone's salary. - I thought the glass ceiling was holding me down, but you have the highest pay here. - There's no one left to blame for my low pay except...ooh, wait...how about illegal aliens?
040814 -- I demand a raise or else I will quit today. Goodbye. - Noooo!!! Please let me stay! I'll work every weekend for free!!! Okay. - Were you correct that your superior intelligence makes you a superb negotiator? Please shut up.
040815 -- We're outsourcing our satellite launch program to Elbonia. - We built the billion-dollar satellite here; the Elbonians will put it into orbit. - Dilbert, I want you to be our liaison. AAAAGH!!! - That's our insurance company. They've been jumpy
040815 -- lately. - In Elbonia Our plan is to tease a pig until he kicks the satellite into orbit. - The risk is that our pig might prefer fisticuffs. - SLEDGEHAMMER! ABORT! ABORT! - It was hollow. Don't mention that to our insurance company.
040816 -- I called this meeting so I could tell you the division's goals for next year. - That's a good idea because we're all so dumb that we couldn't possibly read this in E-Mail. - Goal one: improve communication. I can't; I'm too dumb.
040817 -- Product Designer Function means nothing. Design is everything. - Quality is yesterday's news. Today we focus on emotional impact of the product. - But it still needs quality, right? You are so-o-o-o hard to look at.
040818 -- Product Designer Good design is essential to your success. - That's why I only employ the best artists and design professionals. - Who ate all the crayons again?! Intruders?
040819 -- Product Designer I bring you the future of product design for consumer electronics. - Behold nature's perfect shape! Your customers will form an emotional bond. - Do you think your ego influenced the design process? BAH! It's wagging.
040820 -- Product Designer The new product is selling like crazy, thanks to its great design. Sales - It's so attractive that people overlook its minor flaws in functionality. - For example, it accuses the user of sex crimes whenever company comes over.
040820 -- And it's cute!
040821 -- Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources How do I tell people that there won't be any annual raises? - If someone tries to raise the topic, guide the conversation away. - ...and that's why my outfit is made of cafeteria napkins. Do you think
040821 -- we'll ever colonize Mars?
040822 -- Why can't I find a girlfriend? - You have two problems: your looks and your personality. - Hmm..two isn't bad. - I can fix my looks by getting an extreme makeover. - You'll still need to improve your M.T.T.S.F. What? - Mean time to story
040822 -- failure: It's a measure of how long you can be fascinating to a new person. - I've been counting, and you only have nine good stories. After you use them up, you're a social liability. - I saw a horse kick a woodchuck over a fence. Still only
040822 -- nine.
040823 -- Alice, I've been told that you ignore your team's assignments and work on things that aren't your job. - That's true. I do important things instead of useless things assigned by clueless nimrods. - You totally ruined this meeting.
040824 -- Return of Topper I found a rock that's shaped like an egg. That's nothing! - I have a rock that's shaped like Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson. - My rock just hatched! It's a fully clothed alien from a distant galaxy! That's nothing!
040825 -- Greetings, earthling. I bring you either wisdom of planetary annihilation. The choice is yours. - Stay in the break room. I'll go get my leader. Very well. - The new coffee stirrers are great, but I got the last one.
040826 -- I removed all the chairs to encourage more efficient meetings. - The first item on the agenda is...ow, ow! legs so tired...MEETING ADJOURNED!!! - I always wondered what efficiency looked like.
040827 -- Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources I can't decide what's cheaper... - ...an employee wellness program to reduce sick days or incentivizing the older, highly paid workers to die. - Maybe you could use math to figure it out. When I said
040827 -- cheaper, I meant more fun.
040828 -- Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources Have you heard about the employee wellness program? - If you call in sick on a Monday or Friday, your boss says, "Well, well, well - that's very suspicious." - Now if you excuse me, I feel a nap coming
040828 -- on.
040829 -- Our bonuses will depend on the results of the employee attitude survey. - If we boost our morale rank, we'll get bigger bonuses. - Get it? All you have to *say* you're happy and you get money. wink wink wink - You want us to lie? - No-o-o-o!
040829 -- Heaven forbid. Absolutely no lying. - But if you did lie, imagine the things you could buy with that money. - I'll hand out the surveys and you can let your conscience guide you. - Is "paradise" too over to the top? I'm going to lie me up a new
040829 -- couch!
040830 -- Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources Cubicles are too expensive. We're moving to an open plan. - You'll attend a special class to ease your transition. - It's like he's in a cubicle with invisible walls!
040831 -- I'm going into the false hope business. - All I need is a semi-plausible message about how to lose weight while getting rich. - Don't eat your money.
040901 -- My wealth-building system has been verified by actual scientists. - Where can I find an unethical scientist? - And if I'm too busy, my human clone can do your infomercial. Good prices.
040902 -- I need a name for my company. Then I can film the infomercial. - I assume you want a name that will help disguise your treachery. Not so much. - And now a word from the CEO of Krap2idiots. Catchy. shhh...
040903 -- Hello? This is Alice. beeep beeep - YOU ARE FAXING TO MY VOICE LINE AGAIN, YOU #!!%* - How often do you fax to her voice line? It depends if she's been bad.
040904 -- To what project would I charge my time in the following situation? - Let's say that a pair of corrective lenses falls in a urinal, and the owner freaks out and calls 911... - It hasn't happened yet but I can feel it building up.
040905 -- Our budget won't cover all of the product development. - We can only do two-thirds of the features for that amount. - Reduce the scope of the project by one-third. Okay. - But...theoretically... - No...dear lord, no. - If I later give you a
040905 -- change request to add one feature, could you do it for the same budget. One? Sure. - Data Goes In; Management Comes Out. One? Sure. Changes are free. - Where do I put the change requests?
040906 -- If you recommend my company's product to your board, there might be a little something for you later. - Before you decide, look at this DVD titled, "Is Bribery Right for You?" - The narrator might refer to you by name when she dances.
040907 -- I decided to buy all of our server upgrades through Bribertek, Inc. - Question: Are we buying overpriced hardware because they offered you a job? - Because if we're paying extra to get rid of you, it's money well spent. IT'S A COINCIDENCE!
040908 -- Okay, I convinced my company to make you our single-source vendor. - I assume you'll be making me a job offer now. Any VP title will be fine. - I'll just take an empty office. There...is...a...WAITING PERIOD!!
040909 -- I've been forced to update the dress code. - Effective today, tank tops and belly shirts are not allowed in the office. - Once again, you ruined it for everyone.
040910 -- Uh-oh, it's a gray area social situation. - DO I know this guy well enough to say hi, or do I look away? - So I went with an ambiguous tight-lipped smile that could be confused with a stomach ache. Your stories suck.
040911 -- Whoa! Whoa! Where do you think you're going? - You look bloated today, as if you have company-owned assets under your clothes. - I need to stop relying on my instincts.
040912 -- Tina, would you like to go to lunch with me? - As a coworker or as a date? - As a respected colleague. Sounds fishy. - I know you're up to something; I just don't know what. - You're getting the better deal. I'll be looking at *your* face but
040912 -- you get to look at *me*. - Maybe you could hike up your jacket to cover your face. Fair enough. - This is not a date. I insist on paying fifty percent. Okay. - I'll have the miser salad and water. I'll have three half-priced New York Steaks.
040913 -- My daughter sneezed so the school is sending her home. - I'll work from home for the rest of the day. How will you answer my phone? - I probably shouldn't tell you this, but none of your phone messages are real.
040914 -- My secretary is off, and I need to make copies of this... - Oh, I get it! You immediately ask the only woman in the department to do it. #!%**$!! . LAZY #!%*$*!!# I was going to ask where the copy machine is, but this works, too.
040915 -- Is it okay if I take on five new projects and ten deliverables? Um...okay. - My motivational E-Mail messages are working. - Can you help... Whoa! Don't you know how many projects I have?
040916 -- If you hire me, I will use my enormous brain to develop world-changing products. - I require no pay and no cubicle. I will eat used paper, and cling to the ceiling. - In my defense, he interviews very well. zzzz
040917 -- Something's been bugging me. - I've been an executive assistant for five years. When do I get promoted to executive? - I've got leadership coming out of my ears! That's wax.
040918 -- Have you ever noticed that people continuously bother you when you're trying to work? - That's why I come here - to get away from those morons. - I'm having an unpleasant realization. They're all like that.
040919 -- Do you have the market demand numbers? - I'm in the middle of something. Can I get back to you later? - How much later? When do you need it? - As soon as possible. I'll do it as soon as I am done. - When will that be? As soon as possible. -
040919 -- When will it be possible? Cut me some slack. - - How much slack do you need?
040920 -- I have a question for the ethics hotline. - Is it okay to retype the directions on my boss's prescription medication? - I know I can't do this next thing because I've tried.
040921 -- The company will hold a series of brown bag seminars on corporate ethics. - Is it ethical to steal our lunch hour and pretend that the ethics problems don't come from our executives? - I wouldn't know because I haven't taken the seminar.
040922 -- The company has hired an ethics manager. - If you have any ethics questions, call the hotline. - That's fine, as long as you get rid of the denial evidence.
040923 -- Ethics Hotline This is Dogbert. Please state your conundrum. - Sometimes I have naughty thoughts during work hours. Should I reimburse the company for lost productivity? - Dang! This is costing me a fortune!
040924 -- I have a plan to avoid paying division performance bonuses. - I'll merge our group with the worst division so our average performance is lower. Hee-hee! - It should be easy because every division manager is already begging to merge with me.
040925 -- I'm reading the leadership secrets of the famous roman General Dogbertious. - Here's a good one: "Put your friends in private offices and your wretched slaves in cubicles." - Here's another: "Don't read this book to your wretched slaves."
040926 -- Heck We're out of space, boss. - We've had a big upswing in people who use cell phones in bathrooms. - Dang. I've got a new guy coming in today. Where will I put him? - Maybe you could ask your brother. Hmm... - Well, I suppose you could put
040926 -- him in a cubicle. - His crime wasn't that heinous. - Well, if you blindfold him, he won't know he's in a cubicle. - So then I find out that it's not okay to eat carbs.
040927 -- I'm thinking about getting liposuction to remove my fat. - Your head would collapse. - It would? If I'm lucky.
040928 -- How did the liposuction go? Good. - People say I look younger. And thanks to my self-discipline, I'll keep off the weight. - One more.
040929 -- Do you have a price sheet for removing unnecessary body parts? - I wouldn't mind a few days away from work, being waited on, watching TV and napping. - You have an inflamed coccyx? Yeah, it's gotta go.
040930 -- Where were you last week? I had my coccyx removed. - I'm having all of my unnecessary body parts removed so I can get time off from work. - How about the part of your brain that makes you care about others? It's on my list after tonsils.
041001 -- Tomorrow I'll tell the stockholders that we earned $100 million! - Will you tell them that you gave all of their profits to senior management in the form of unexpensed stock options? - We had to be incentivized. - So you wouldn't take their
041001 -- furniture, too?
041002 -- The shareholder meeting turned ugly when I said we used all the profits to give ourselves stock options. - They don't understand that I wouldn't work as hard if all I got was my million-dollar base salary. - I'd barely have the energy to spank
041002 -- my secretary. Too much info.
041003 -- Do you want to watch when the new employee looks at her first paycheck? Ooh-ya! - What doe we know about her? - She's straight out of college. All of her prior jobs paid her in cash. Perfect. - Ear guards on. My first paycheck! - Deductions???
041003 -- Hmmmm...how bad could it be? - WHAT THE - - Next time, no coffee. Eh?
041004 -- I need clarification on my assignment. - Should I use my own judgment and be forever damned if things go badly? - O should I use your advice and invite certain calamity? Both plans have good parts.
041005 -- I hired a buck-passer. - He's cheaper than a regular employee because he gets other people to do his work. - Could you shale his hand for me, sport? I don't have that kind of time.
041006 -- The Buck-Passer Alice, this task is right up your alley. - Why should I do your work, you filthy buck-passer? - Because it's right up your alley. It's gonna be right up *your* alley.
041007 -- The Buck-Passer I have a Do-It for you... - Here. GAAA!!! - The one day that I don't wear my tear-away shirt, and *this* happens!
041008 -- I see a problem with your plan. Oh, do you, Mr. Negativity? - Why is it that you're the o-o-o-only person in this meeting to see a problem? Huh? Huh? - My theory is that the rest of you are either morons or drunk. I am totally sober!
041009 -- It's time for some drive-y management. - Don't forget to do the thing for what's-is-name or else we're dead. - Must...outrun cries for...clarification.
041010 -- Our enterprise software comes in two flavors. - The premium package boasts a friendly user-interface. - The economy option does the same stuff but the interface is designed to ruin your life. - We'll take the cheap one. - I can tell by the way
041010 -- you hold the mouse that you've never had a girl-friend. HEY! - I'll send romantic invitations to all the people on your E-Mail address list. NO!!! - Don't worry - I'll use the text that I found on a great adult web site. GAAA! - When I said
041010 -- that you need to give a hundred percent, I should have been more specific.
041011 -- What's that I'm hearing? Is someone on this conference call using the restroom? - Had to Oops Me too Sorry I am - Now tap the speakerphone button to "off" and burn the ruler.
041012 -- Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources Good news about employee turnover... - I'm postponing my plan to bury poor performers in scented kitty litter. - Is it just me or has the quality of good news gone downhill?
041013 -- Your P/U ratio is sky-rocketing again. My what? - Productivity-to-usefulness. It means you produce a lot, but everything you produce is a mistake or a distraction. - I told you last time to do *less* work! Oooh...I did that backwards.
041014 -- The Highly Productive But Useless Guy Here's a copy of my white paper. - It's a statistical analysis of the correlation between disk storage and employee absenteeism. - I don't know how to do statistics but it doesn't matter because I didn't
041014 -- have data.
041015 -- Out new vice president of ethics will help you decide what's right and wrong. - When we talk to him, what customer's project should we charge for our time? - Whichever one we hate the most.
041016 -- Kudos to Ted for his suggestion to put motion sensors on the lights in the break room. - Hold it! I calculate that the energy savings are offset by the lost productivity of this meeting. - We have to burn the plaque for heat just to break even.
041017 -- What? You have no accomplishments this month??? - What did you *do* for the past three months? - Well, I spent much of that time correcting misconceptions that you gave to our customers. - And I attended meetings with you to keep you from
041017 -- creating additional misconceptions. - I spent a month working on an objective that you forgot to tell me didn't matter. - I flew to the wrong city for a meeting because you confuse Houston with Austin. - And I upgraded your home computer so you
041017 -- wouldn't have to pay someone to do it. - Allow me to paraphrase: blah, blah, blah, you didn't accomplish anything.
041018 -- Why does a runny nose stop running when you fall asleep? - The nose fairy sneaks in at night and oinches your nostrils shut. - This is exactly why I don't like knowledge.
041019 -- I've noticed that all of my problems are caused by other people. - Yet it seems so unlikely that other people would cause me so much discomfort while I never bother anyone. - Is it possible that I'm oblivious to my effect on others? zzzzz
041020 -- Welcome to Dogbert's school for the socially oblivious. - Today I'll pair you with someone whose social defect will cancel out your own. - Gaaa!!! I keep trying to talk about my kids and you keep changing the topic to yourself!! Because I'm
041020 -- fascinating.
041021 -- Dogbert's School for the Socially Oblivious Today I'll teach you to recognize when you're boring. - This is called a yawn. When you see one, stop talking about yourself. - Breakout Session And then I chipped it right into the green! Look, look!
041022 -- It's been a great three-hour meeting but I have one question. - Can a business-led project management process optimize our strategic core issues? - Was that gibberish? I thought that's what we were doing.
041023 -- You're still alive?? How can this be? What? - Nothing! Never mind! I don't know anything about a deadly plot! - It's his own fault for not paying me enough to afford entertainment. Good one.
041024 -- Wally, how can you be so stress-free? - It's quite simple. - Stress is caused by an unrealistic belief that people care about you. - I, on the other hand, expect people to be like me. - Let's visit Ted and I'll show you how this works. - Ted,
041024 -- do you have the budget numbers you promised me? That's next on my to-do list. - While he was lying to me, I stole his stapler, so I came out ahead. - He forgot his mug. I'm going to slip that puppy into my briefcase.
041025 -- Accounting Can you explain these expense figures? - It's a base ten counting system with a full range of odd and even digits. - This isn't helping. Tastes like HP paper ink...high gloss paper, four hours old.
041026 -- Do you mind if I leave early to spend some time with my kids? - I never spent time with my kids and they just turned out fine! - How many do you have? Three ish.
041027 -- Tell me again what the issue is. - Do you want the simple and misleading explanation or the one you won't understand? - Either one is good; I wasn't planning on listening.
041028 -- I know I keep asking you but could you explain the issue again? - Well, something that you could never comprehend conflicts with something that you'd never understand. - Oh.
041029 -- There will be no vacations until the project is finished. - It feels as if I am being punished for your inability to properly plan and staff. - I will contact my 800 wedding guests and tell them that my marriage is cancelled. Thanks.
041030 -- You cancelled all vacations but I have non-refundable plane tickets to Tahiti. - So I should be an exception to...the...um...you look skeptical. - I don't think Tahiti would let you in. Why does everyone say that?
041031 -- The new senior vice president will be at my meeting. - I hope to impress him with my leadership skills. - Uh-oh. Underling alert. - I can't be seen getting chummy with an intern. - Please don't try to make conversation. Don't, don't, don't,
041031 -- don't, don't. - Did you do anything fun this weekend? Here he comes! - GET BACK TO WORK, YOU SLACKING SLACKER!!! - WAAA!!! Good motivating! If he blows his nose with his necktie, you're my new vice president.
041101 -- I need to be managing a sexier project to boost my career. - It only has to sound good and not fail until I get a better job. - How about a nano-technology stem cell for fighting terrorists? O-o-okay.
041102 -- My boss wants me to invent nanotechnology stem cells because it sounds good. - Try pointing to your empty hand and saying, "You can't see them but they're almost done!" - Then trick him into giving you a high-five and yell, "You crushed them!
041102 -- Aaag!!!"
041103 -- Bottleneck Bill Perhaps you're wondering why I haven't answered your E-Mails. - My philosophy is that anything worth doing is worth delaying. - Plus you look like that. Like what?
041104 -- I need your help forcing Bottleneck Bill to do his job so I can do my job. - I'll be all over that...as soon as I finished two things. - What other things? Well, for example, miscellaneous.
041105 -- I have uncontrollable urges to show people better ways to do things. - Do you think the real issue might be my insecurity? - Well, I wouldn't date you, but that's mostly because of your looks. Not helping.
041106 -- The number one complaint from employees is "unclear objectives." - *My* number one complaint is that it takes too much effort for me to be clear. - Let's call it a tie. Why are they so selfish?
041107 -- Go with our sales rep and answer the customer's technical questions. - Whoa! You can't go looking like that. - This is a nice suit! Exactly. - A well-dressed engineer has no credibility! - I'll call my reverse makeover consultant. - I'm Bob,
041107 -- the straight eye for the queer-looking guy. - Let's see...I'll give you my clothes...add ear hair...eyebrow extensions. - You seem highly credible and I don't know why. Genius.
041108 -- Dogbert Consults Once you embrace the idea that your customers deserve to die... - ...it frees your mind to invent splendidly profitable products. - It's called the Ultra-Donut: forty-thousand calories and filled with sharp objects.
041109 -- The government says we have to put warning labels on our forty-thousand calorie, sharp-filled doughnuts product. - How about: "Warning! This product will kill you but that's okay because it tastes great!" - It look like he choked on some sort
041109 -- of warning label.
041110 -- Our revenue is now double the number of people that our product has killed...recently. - Our product costs $80. Are you saying that each one kills 40 people? - Our customers know the health risks, so technically they're killing themselves. So
041110 -- technically we aren't scum?
041111 -- My company is selling gigantic, shard-filled doughnuts with forty thousand calories apiece. - It's based on Dogbert's theory that people are pleasure-seeking morons. - How does it taste? Delicious! I have one for you strapped to my car
041112 -- You can't resist the shard-filled ultra-doughnuts even though you know the hazards. mmph - Free will is an illusion. People always choose the perceived path of greatest pleasure. - Now rationalize your decision, you mindless pink robot! I'm
041112 -- only having one.
041113 -- Is it immoral for my company to sell forty-thousand calorie, shard-filled doughnuts? - You're not forcing anyone to eat them; you're just making them irresistibly delicious. - How's that different? BAH!
041114 -- Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources Excellent idea. Evil H.R. Digest - Cell phones with cameras are banned from the workplace. Why? - We don't want you taking pictures of proprietary information. - Most of our information is in digital
041114 -- form and can be E-Mailed anywhere. - The rest is on paper that can be copied, scanned or tucked down one's trousers - My new cell phone will be rendered useless for no good reason! - AND YOU AREN'T EVEN BANNING REGULAR CAMERAS!! - This one goes
041114 -- in the scrapbook.
041115 -- Product Development First we'll cover the walls with brainstorm ideas. - How about something that turns boredom into chocolate cake? - I should have done this after lunch. Roast beef mittens?
041116 -- Our new product is either wildly successful or underwater... - Depending on how you want to allocate management overhead expenses. - Apparently you don't want to think about it and get back to me.
041117 -- The Vendor Who Couldn't Say No I need fifteen units by Tuesday. You got it. - I want them customized for our needs, assembled, and installed by Wednesday. You got it! - I'm loathing you in advance for making promises you won't keep.
041117 -- Preloathing: I get that a lot.
041118 -- Blah, blah, blah, blah blah. - I wasn't listening. I'll try some optimism. That works in every situation. - I hope we'll see record growth! In my prostate?
041119 -- There must be more to managing than giving vague directions and punishing people for not reading my mind. - But I like to play within my game. - It's a form of genius. Wake me up when some of this is about me.
041120 -- Your biggest defect continues to be your inability to handle criticism. - I can't argue with his stupid misperception without proving it true. - And you argue with people who are much smarter than yourself. GAAA!!!
041121 -- Here's the technical analysis you asked for. - I don't understand any of it. - I can't tell if it's right or if it would embarrass me. - I can't ask for a second opinion without looking stupid. - And I can't distribute it because it might be
041121 -- wrong. - I'll put it on this pile and hope something changes. - I wonder if it's called whistling when only air comes out. - Should I shred your pile of indecision? Make it look like an accident.
041122 -- When I was your age, Asok, I too sought the thrill of victory and the pleasures of the flesh. - But after twenty years of not getting either one, I made convenience with my new mistress. - You know why I like talking to you? Because I am a good
041122 -- listener? No, because you're here.
041123 -- My progress has been thwarted by a huge obstacle. - I.e. everything I need to do is inconvenient. - You can take my soul but not my lack of enthusiasm.
041124 -- Alice, you've been accused of forwarding off-color jokes by E-Mail. - Do you object to the increase in morale or the nickel it cost the company so far? - I object to my face being photoshopped to a cow's butt. You object to art?
041125 -- Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources I understand that you forwarded an off-color E-Mail to many people. - Seventy-five people thought it was funny but one person complained, so you must be punished. - Wouldn't it make more sense to punish
041125 -- the freak who complained? Do I look sensible?
041126 -- Can you tell me who complained about my off-color E-Mail joke? No, no, no. - All conversation with human resources are strictly confidential. - Catnip Super Strength Wally, Wally, Wally, Wally, Wally, Wally, Wally.
041127 -- Wally, did you complain to human resources about my off-color E-Mail joke? - Yes. I was psychologically damaged by your mirth. Now I'm an empty shell of a man. - You've ALWAYS been an empty shell of a man!!! This is making me hungry.
041128 -- When your pointy-haired boss asks about your project, what should you say? - I would inform him about any problems. - Big mistake. If he hears that you have a problem, he might try to help. - How can help be bad? Asok, how's your project? -
041128 -- Good, but I need to upgrade my disk drive to store all of the image data. - Forget that. Just E-Mail pieces of the database to employees who have extra disk space. - - Please pull on this until I lose consciousness.
041129 -- Our main product is coming off patent. - Profits will plunge and so will my bonus. It's not fair. - Call me shallow, but I enjoy getting paid for other people's inventions. SHALLOW!
041130 -- Meet with our huge retail distributor, Walgetco, and find out what they want now. - Say yes, no matter how unreasonable they are, because we need them more than they need us. - ...special packaging, RFID tags, and grind your bones to make store
041130 -- brand foot powder. Yes!
041201 -- Sixty-percent of our distribution goes through Walgetco. - For all practical purposes, they now own us, except for the legal liabilities. - They'd like us to wear orange vests and bow toward their headquarters. But no touching?
041202 -- Every time we cut costs, our distributor, Walgetco, takes the gain by demanding lower prices. - THANK YOUR FOR SHOPPING AT WALGETCO! HAVE A NICE DAY! - Maybe it's too late. TROLL ACCESSORIES ARE ON AISLE SIX!
041203 -- I need to become irreplaceable so I can't be fired for my behavior. - I'll gain the trust of our biggest customer so they'll only deal with me. - I probably shouldn't say this, but everyone in my company except me is an escaped felon.
041204 -- Wally, did you tell our biggest customer that everyone here except you is an escaped felon? Maybe. - Now I can't fire you because they don't trust anyone else. - The key learning here is that alleged crime doesn't pay. I'VE NEVER BEEN CAUGHT!
041205 -- Now what? - Create a password that's at least six characters long with a mix of letters and numbers. - How about 123? Uh, no. - It has to include letters and be at least six characters long. - How about ABC? - LETTERS AND NUMBERS AND AT LEAST
041205 -- SIX CHARACTERS LONG!!! - - Foursome? GAAA!!!
041206 -- Try working around the problem. - Thank you for that valuable advice. I had planned to stare at my screen until I starved to death. - Gather data before making a decision. GAAA!!! I'VE BEEN BLINDED BY THE OBVIOUS!
041207 -- It's temporary blindness caused by your boss's flashes of the obvious. - Let Dogbert guide you for a few days. And here's a prescription to make you dopey. - Now? Whatever.
041208 -- Your blinding flashes of the obvious made me sightless for three days. - I hope you didn't drive your car. You're not supposed to do that when you're blind. - GAAA!!! I'm upsetting you.
041209 -- Let me explain what video compression is... - Would you stop if I pointed out that everyone in this room except you is an electrical engineer? - Zeros are round and fat compared to ones... I'm begging you...
041210 -- I've decided to become indispensable to the company. - Indispensable employees can get away with outrageously annoying behavior. - You're already pretty annoying. I've been reading up on crushed ice chomping.
041211 -- Remember: Knowledge is power. - So never tell people anything because they might use it to crush you. - Do you understand? I'm not saying.
041212 -- Job Interview What's your biggest weakness? - I'm a cublicle vampire. - I wander the cubicles in search of happy coworkers. - THEN I POUNCE!!! - Then you suck their blood? That was the old way. - I talk about work-related issues until the life
041212 -- is drained from their bodies. - I'm going to trust my gut instinct on this. You're hired. - Have you met the new hire yet?
041213 -- I don't know who you are, but I don't like all of the questions you're asking. - I'm going to ram my fist down your throat, grab your pants and turn your inside out. - EAT DEATH, STRANGER! I see you've met our stock analyst.
041214 -- I didn't like the way he was looking at me. This isn't good. - He was the only stock analyst who had a "buy" recommendation on our company. - I think we're a "hold" now. Where will we find another one with so much conflict of interest??!
041215 -- I'll recommend your stock to the public, but first I need some conflicts of interest to make it worthwhile. - For example, I'll need your investment banking business. Okay. - And you need to merge with my other client that makes poison waffles.
041215 -- Okay.
041216 -- TV Stock Analyst Do you own stock in the company you recommended? - No. I used my Blackberry to dump my shares as soon as they spiked from my recommendation. - This is very wrong. Now I'm using the profit to buy a helicopter.
041217 -- Your cousin Lauren just got her degree in English. Can you give her some career advice? - Would you enjoy scratching out a meager living in a frustrating work environment? - I've never thought about it. Obviously.
041218 -- Click "Submit" to post your resume on the jobs web site. - Now sit back and enjoy the the misguided optimism that someday a human being will see it. - Be sure to tell your parents that you looked for a job today. I'll E-Mail them.
041219 -- I have a job interview. Wish me luck. No. - If you get extra luck then there might be less available for me. - I don't think it works that way. I can't take that chance. - Tell me, Dilbert, who would you consider a hero? - Albert Einstein. That
041219 -- should be safe. - Oh, really? He was an outspoken critic of war. We design missile guidance systems. - How about Jeffrey Dahmer? No? - I won the lottery!
041220 -- I wasn't getting any responses to my online resume until I inserted some key words. - I said I'm strangely attracted to older, chubby, married men with coffee-stained teeth. - That is wrong on so many levels. Explain that to my six thousand job
041220 -- offers.
041221 -- Try to get through this meeting without telling our customers how stupid you think they're being. I'll try. - But sometimes the pressure builds up in my head and it's unbearable. Tough it out. - Is he okay? He's fine. Ignore him. mmm mmm
041222 -- I am concerned because my objectives are vague and unmeasurable. - As a result, I am not inspired to achieve my full potential...and...um... - Did I just say I'm doing a bad job and ask you to punish me? That's what I heard.
041223 -- I combined an online dating service with an online job site and an auction site. date job auction - You tell the system everything about yourself and see if anyone wants anything of it. - "I wouldn't date you or hire you, but I'll bid a dollar
041223 -- for your refrigerator."
041224 -- Marketing needs volunteers for a study about how our ads stimulate people's brains. - Who among us would like to get a cat scan? - Okay, seriously, who didn't see this coming?
041225 -- Dilbert, do you have the benchmark results? - Do you want the ten-minute of why the data are useless, or a simple "here you go"? - I'm in sales. Here you go.
041226 -- Can you check my spreadsheet for accuracy? - It's an impenetrable jumble of poorly organized data with cryptic labels. - I only need you to check it for accuracy. - I don't think accurracy matters if no one can tell what it's for. - Sheesh! Let
041226 -- me explain this simple document! - This column is the ratio of product returns to gross revenue excluding sales taxes, annualized. - It's clearly labeled "ROPRTGRESTA." What about the other 80 columns? - What the #*%!? And Dilbert found no
041226 -- inaccuracies.
041227 -- Wally, did you review the spreadsheet that I E-Mailed? I didn't want to be inconvenienced. - My philosophy is that anything worth doing is too hard. - A character flaw isn't a philosophy. I like to combine things.
041228 -- You'll want our new server software after your reorganization. Reorganization? - Next week you're having massive layoffs and eliminating three divisions. - Your "I haven't heard anything" face needs work.
041229 -- How could you tell a vendor about our reorganization before you tell your own staff?!! Scoot. - Come into my office and we discuss it. - Gaaaa!!! It's a trick! C'mon phone, ring!!!
041230 -- Why would my boss tell a vendor our strategy and not tell me? - It's probably a combination of your lack of importance and your total insignificance. - Do you have any more questions like that one?
041231 -- This department has nothing to fear about the reorganization but fear itself. - Don't think about it...don't think about it. - Okay, I'm pretty sure that that doesn't mean anything. Maybe less. dang
050101 -- Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources Don't worry about being downsized after the reorganization. - Downsized employees will get my free DVD that teaches you how to live off the land. - The key to successful shoplifting is running very
050101 -- fast.
050102 -- The Weekly Wally Report is bristling with tales of success. - I gave worthless input to marketing because they weren't specific about what they wanted. - i missed Alice's project meeting because she never confirmed the location. - I gave
050102 -- harmful advice to the sales team because they rushed me. - I ignored my E-Mail for a week because you said to focus on priorities. - And I didn't submit my budget estimates because Asok never told me what format to use. - HOW CAN YOU CALL ANY
050102 -- OF THAT SUCCESS??!! - Well, I'd compare it to my written objectives, but you never gave me any.
050103 -- Carol, I'm making you our new Director of First Impressions Pro Tem! - My years of hard work have finally paid off! I'm a director! - Why is my office in the lobby? Can you direct me to the nearest growler?
050104 -- I might appear to be a receptionist, but I'm actually the Director of First Impressions. - I might appear to be a salesman of printer cartridges, but I'm really the CEO of HP. - Carly? You look like a 57.
050105 -- I might appear to be a receptionist, but I'm not. - Believe me, I know that. Companies generally put attractive people in those positions. - I don't like where this is heading. I'll wait until she gets back. Yum-yum.
050106 -- I'm starting to think that the Director of First Impressions is... - GAAA!!! I'M A RECEPTIONIST!! - BEAT IT, YOU WALRUS! Maybe I'll just send an E-Mail.
050107 -- Our new strategy is to sell fewer units at higher margins. - Question: How's that different from saying our sales stink, so we're cutting costs? - I call it a strategy so you won't lose hope. It's working great.
050108 -- Our differentiating value-added strategy is transformational change. - How was that? Does anyone feel different? - My urge to hurl has increased a little bit. That's what change feels like.
050109 -- I asked the I.T. department to upgrade my computer. - THEY'RE COMING HERE??! WE MUST HIDE OUR NON-STANDARD EQUIPMENT! - ZIP!! Uh-oh. - So-o-o...this den of non-standardization must be your cubicle. - This non-standard printer is coming with me.
050109 -- And I don't remember that monitor on our list. - I must cleanse your cubicle of non-conformance so the healing can begin. - Surely my upgraded computer will arrive soon. - Months Later Abacus? Please shut up.
050110 -- I'm creating software that will help small investors pick stocks. - It combines past trends that are not indicative of the future with the user's hubris and ignorance. - Now all I need are testimonials from people whose results are not typical!
050110 -- So it works?
050111 -- My stock-picking software needs more features. - I think I'll add a module that claims to make hair grow on bald guys. I'll first test it on a rat. - I feel a new one on my buttocks! That's all the proof I need.
050112 -- Do you ever feel guilty for scamming innocent people out of their money? No. - I only scam the people who would do the same thing to me if they were smarter. - So you use arrogance to cancel guilt? It's a good system.
051113 -- I must mark my territory by insisting on a change to the prototype. - Give it a wireless Internet option. It already has one. - What doesn't it have? An idiot designing it.
050114 -- I did a statistical analysis and found no correlation between my efforts and my rewards. - I felt adrift in a sea of randomness, desperate and absurd, devoid of purpose, lost. - And then I got paid and I purchased some unnecessary merchandise
050114 -- and now I feel fine. Lactation can't be far behind.
050115 -- My computer is too slow. I need to upgrade it. - I need a cost-benefit analysis including the cost of all alternatives, and vice president approval. - It was easier to get a second job and pay for the upgrade myself.
050116 -- Certified Massage Therapist Fill out this lengthy medical questionnaire. - That'll save me a few minutes of touching him. - I wonder if he'd know if I only used one hand. - Actually, how would he even know if it's a hand? - Maybe I have an
050116 -- object in here that feels like a hand. - This ballpoint pen will work. - I'm finding some tension here. Okay, it's gone now. click click click - She says I should come back every week until my muscles stop clicking. Sounds like you found a pen
050116 -- pal.
050117 -- Hey, Dilbert, can you update the yield numbers for our discontinued chips? - Well, if I have to choose between being rude and doing something useless... - Consider my crazy glare. I guess I'll start being useless.
050118 -- I'd like to promote you, but the lowest salary band for the next level is 20% higher than your current pay. - Raises are capped at 5%, so there's no way to give you a promotion. - So I plan to hire someone from the outside that you can train to
050118 -- be your supervisor.
050119 -- Tina, this is your new supervisor, Nelson. You'll be training him to be your boss. - There won't be any bonuses this year because I gave it all to Nelson. He's a man, so he needs to support a family. I'm gay. - Um...civil union and adoption,
050119 -- right? I'm dating a rugby team.
050120 -- Tina Trains Her Boss You'll find me in this chair, doing real work. - Your job, as i understand it, is to make uninformed decisions and act like a sociopathic egomaniac. - you'll usually stand like this. I also like to fidget and harrumph.
050121 -- I plan to open an art gallery with a full bar. - I'll specialize in putrid art that's unreasonably priced. - Synergy THASH SHO BEE-OO-TIFUL!!!
050122 -- Dogbert's Art Bar That painting is dreadful. It looks as if a rat created it. - Lucky guess. I'll ask you again at midnight. - Later That Night Ah wan shix of ose an shum bar nuts!!!
050123 -- You must learn that change is good. Change Is - Any Questions? - Who wants this one? I got it. - Question: why don't you triple our pay? That would be a change. - That would not be in the best interest of shareholders. - Okay, why don't you
050123 -- work for free? That's a change that is good for shareholders. - Or would it be better to admit that change can be very bad? - My favorite part was when he yelled, "stop ruining my slogans with your logic!" SNORT HEE-HEE!!!
050124 -- Alice, I hear that your project is stressful. - Sometimes it helps if you ask yourself: What's the worst thing that could happen? - How'd the pep talk go?
050125 -- Alice, what's the status of your project? - The astonishing incompetence of others caused me to jump through a window and land in a dumpster. - So then, no issues?
050126 -- Gaaa!!! This writer misused the technical term "dongle." That idiot! - I'm E-mailing this loser to tell him I plan to boycott the newspaper! - DIE, LOSER, DIE!!! I'll come back later.
050127 -- I just fired off a scathing letter to a columnist for misusing the word "dongle." - I'm intoxicated with the feeling of verbal superiority. My sad life has a meaning. I feel alive! - The Columnist Dear Nutbag, thanks for the input. Here's a
050127 -- link to a dictionary. I await your apology.
050128 -- Hey, I got a response from the newspaper columnist I reamed for misusing the word "dongle." - "Dear Nutbag...link to a dictionary...oops...it appears that I was wrong. - How do you apologize? Plan B: I accuse him of hating minorities.
050129 -- We'll build your software with all the features you want plus a few extras. - Or maybe you'll start late and claim there's no way to do everything by the deadline. - Then you'll say that the unfinished features aren't important and you're
050129 -- losing money on the deal. I can't hear you.
050130 -- Here's my vacation schedule. Good. - Whoa! You're planning to take more vacation days than you've accrued. - It's okay because I'll accrue the days before the actual vacation. - No can do. What if you quit before then? - I'm literally afraid to
050130 -- hear the answer to that question. - Think, man! If you quit and have a vacation at the same time... - I'LL BE DOWN *TWO* PEOPLE!!! - It's hard to remain upbeat. Do you still live here?
050131 -- Eating at your desk is like stealing from the company, Alice. - I'm working through my lunch hour, you furry log. - Furry log? It's a term of endearment.
050201 -- Alice, did you call the director of human resources a "furry log"? Yes. - I can't tell if you're promoting teamwork with a cute nickname or creating a hostile environment. - Which is it? It's teamwork, you squirrel-infested stump.
050202 -- This award goes to Asok for his hard work on...whatever. - My medication has been rewarded! This is the happiest moment of my life! - Wow! It's lucky that I got a new chair on the same day that mine was stolen.
050203 -- I keep getting bad service at stores. Do what I do. - I say I'm the CEO of their company and then I fire them all. - You don't look like a CEO. Too sexy?
050204 -- Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources I might change my department's name. - To "Workplace Services." BU-WHA-HA-HA-HA!!! - When things don't sound evil enough on their own, I like to toss in a bu-wha-ha-ha-ha.
050205 -- Our new VP of Marketing has twenty years of experience in an unrelated industry. - But he assured me that technology is the same as shampoo. - I predict smooth sailing. Technology? I thought you said astrology.
050206 -- Carol, I want to be certain that everything is perfect for the CEO's visit. - Check the doughnuts to make sure that they're fresh and delicious. - Later Mmm...this this one is okay. - How can I be sure this isn't the one good doughnut in the
050206 -- batch - I'll have to taste every one of them. - CAROL!!! - Don't panic. I can fix this. - This is odd: most of my doughnut is delicious, but one part tastes like gum.
050207 -- Can you work well without supervision? - No. I need continuous supervision to keep me from stealin' and harassin'. - I think we're done here. Do you mind if I show myself out?
050208 -- Can you work well without supervision? - Yes! I thrive on vague objectives and a complete lack of recognition for my contribution! - Can you handle criticism? I'm not too proud to say it excites me!
050209 -- People think I'm worthless, but in fact I'm a subject-matter expert in a very narrow field. - It's so narrow that it requires no knowledge whatsoever. - What field is it? There's no way to know for sure.
050210 -- I need a Blackberry so I can be in E-Mail contact at all times. - I'll be able to do work all day and all night. My productivity will soar! - Trust me; it doesn't look good.
050211 -- I'm addicted to E-Mail. My endorphins spike when I get a message. - When there are no messages, loneliness and despair overcome me. - Have you tried sending E-Mail to yourself? We don't talk about that.
050212 -- Bob, I bought you a Blackberry so I can send you E-Mail day or night. WOW! - Thank you! I always wanted one of these! - De-e-elicious.
050213 -- La-la-la-la-la...oops. - I inadvertently erased our entire customer database and all of the backups. - How can I explain this to our pointy-haired boss? - Grab your laptop and follow me. - It's only a prototype, so whatever you do, don't touch
050213 -- anything. - touch touch touch GAAA!!! YOU ERASED THE CUSTOMER DATABASE!!! - ALL OF THE BACKUPS, TOO, YOU STUPID, STUPID #**!*! - I should have stopped before #**!*!
050214 -- FBI. We need to talk to you. - We've traced the source of all Internet spam to your house. - *All* of it? - ...the revolutionary new pill that turns your body fat into Rolex watches!
050215 -- FBI. We have reason to believe that you're the source of all Internet spam. - I'm the director of the FBI. And you're both fired. - I'd heard that he likes to dress up as other mammals. Creepy.
050216 -- I'm collecting money for Ted's baby shower. - My taxes already subsidize his other brats. I'm taking a refund. - I just put that five in there! I can't be responsible for your poor fiscal planning.
050217 -- The last election was incredibly close. That's why it is so important to vote. - Smart, well-informed people were evenly divided. Therefore, logically, that proves that intelligence is not a factor, so voting is absurd. - Then you have no
050217 -- right to complain about the result. I'm pretty sure I do.
050218 -- I'm going to work for the cable company. Why? - I enjoy giving people absurd service windows. Oh. - Well, if you can't be home from march to October, then say goodbye to Regis and Kelly!
050219 -- Dogbert Works For The Cable Company If your picture is fuzzy then get new glasses. - If my glasses is the problem, why does the couch look perfectly clear? - Good question. Please hold while I transfer you to couch tech support.
050220 -- Let's have a premeeting before your meeting with out vice president. - Don't mention any problems because he might try to fix them. - Don't say anything about budgets or deadlines because he might try to reduce them. - Leave out the technical
050220 -- stuff because it will only confuse him. - That leaves me nothing to talk about. Perfect! - Hello...and in summary, are there any questions? - Wow! That is the first presentation that hasn't made me feel nauseated or dizzy! Great job! - Why does
050220 -- success make me hate humanity? They deserve it.
050221 -- Did I leave my chapstick in here? Ooh, there it is. - Tastes different. - I lost a good glue stick, but I gained a few hours of quiet.
050222 -- I have to do a credit check on your company before we do any work. It's our policy. - I resent that! Just because I'm a small businessman, that doesn't mean I'm a deadbeat! - I didn't mean to imply... Do you know if the parking garage accepts
050222 -- acorns?
050223 -- The only way to meet our sales target is by selling to customers who have bad credit. - That's okay. We'll get our bonuses before anyone realizes that the accounts receivables are worthless. - The key to getting bonuses is acting surprised
050223 -- later. I feel unclean.
050224 -- Today I got a bonus for selling stuff to a customer who probably can't play. - Does your soda taste any less delicious? No. - Congratulations, you're a sociopath. It feels kinda good.
050225 -- He doesn't respect my work. I can tell by the way he's sitting. - Two can play this game. I will hate you with the fury of a thousand suns! - Die! Die! Die! Rats. I sat down wrong and gave myself a wedgie.
050226 -- I think we should talk and try to work out our problem. What problem? - I'm referring to your utter disrespect for me. I don't disrespect you. - Not even slightly? Wait. I feel a little bit coming on right now.
050227 -- Your project deadline is next month, and I can't imagine you finishing on time. - So I dinged you on your annual performance review. - But...I *will* finish on time. I *always* finish on time. - Well, let's agree to disagree. What?!! - You're
050227 -- basing my raise on what you *imagine* I won't do in the future! - Relax. If you do finish the project on time, I'll factor it into your next annual review. - Well...okay. I guess it all averages out. - One Year Later Remember the project hat I
050227 -- finished last year? No. But the new one looks like it will be late.
050228 -- Wally, I want you to attend a meeting for me...it's in Elbonia. - First, you'll need to take a class on their culture so you won't accidentally offend them. - This gesture either means "hello" or "I'd like to see your mittens on my bedroom
050228 -- floor, baby."
050301 -- Elbonian Culture Class When an Elbonian businessman gives you his card... - Crumple it up and put it in your mouth. Chew it slowly then spit it towards his forehead. - This leads me to my next topic: dueling with yak bones.
050302 -- Elbonia has no landing strips, so you'll have to jump out of the plane. - Try to flap your arms and aim for a plump Elbonian to cushion your fall. - Airplane. Dang
050303 -- I hate landing in Elbonia. WHUMP!!! - Hi. I'm from America and I'm here to help.
050304 -- In Elbonia I'm here from American and I'm here to fix all of your problems. - Your arrogance is offensive. We will form an armed resistence and fight you to the end of time! - Um...why? It's just something we do.
050305 -- My business trip to Elbonia was a big success. - If anyone tells you that I caused a civil war that plunged their society into darkness, it's a lie. - Did you loot me anything? I didn't know your size.
050306 -- Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources I need to hire an assistant manager. - I want someone similar to me, but slightly worse in every way. - Worse than *you*??? - Yes, but only slightly. mmm... - The ideal candidate wouldn't be a threat to
050306 -- replace me. - I'll check my database of applicants who are both hideous and criminally insane. - I said *slightly* worse. Exactly. I found one. - I can pretend to read in five languages. I hate cats.
050307 -- Wally, I want you to go help Alice on her project. - Have you tried working harder? Sometimes that works. - I hope she doesn't become dependent on my help.
050308 -- Wally, I asked you to help Alice on her project but all you did was tell her to work harder. - You can't just tell someone to work harder and expect it to happen! - Aren't you doing that right now? Shut up and go work harder.
050309 -- We're having a problem with rats in the office. - You might want to upgrade your level of hygiene from "rat bait" to "unwashed." - I think I first felt my first tingle of job satisfaction!
050310 -- Have you ever noticed that the things that don't kill you make you *weaker*? - And great minds 'don't* think alike. If they did, the patent office would only have about fifty inventions. - I started getting suspicious when I cried over split
050310 -- milk and the cashier took if off my bill.
050311 -- Our company will be relocating to a high-crime area for tax reasons. - Our CEO says, "Don't worry about your safety because your limo can pull right into the underground garage." - Then he added, "Or chain your bicycle to a wino. Whatever."
050312 -- Don't worry that the company is moving to a high-crime area. - My experts assure me that you'll have a 90% chance of survival every time you walk outside. - That estimate depends on the assumption that the gang members became exhausted from
050312 -- beating you up.
050313 -- We need more staff for project Caribou. Caribou? Is that the new chip? - No, you're thinking of project Caribbean. - Caribou is like project Muskrat but with a lower P.R.O.R.C. P.R.O.R.C.? - Projected Return on Research Capital. - I s Muskrat
050313 -- the enterprise software project? - Um...no...that would be project Meerkat. - Cancel project Musk Ox, move the staff over to project Zebra, delay Panda and Squirrel and give me a status report on Proboscis Monkey. - We don't have any projects
050313 -- with these names. How's that my fault?
050314 -- I hat walking to work in this high-crime area. - TAKE THIS, YOU FIDUCIARY MISCONDUCTING *#@!% - That was out C.F.O. I know.
050315 -- Senior management has decided to move our office out of this high-crime area. - Because every one of them was beaten up in front of the building by a guy with pyramid-shaped hair. - Police released this sketch. The guy like to yell something
050315 -- about a "fist of death."
050316 -- Asok, your pointy-haired boss wants you to set up a conference call with all the division managers. - Um...wouldn't that be the secretary's job? And aren't *you* his secretary? - Hey, I know. Why don't you try to get an appointment with him so
050316 -- you can ask that question?
050317 -- Hello, this is Asok the intern. I am trying to set up a conference call with your boss and 15 people. - Could you tell me all of the times he is available in the next six months? Only august sixth between 8:35 and 8:40. - So far, so good.
050318 -- The conference call was a huge success. - Three out of 15 people were available and only one of them forgot to call in. - So it was a phone call between two people? It would have been if they wouldn't have used the mute buttons.
050319 -- Alice, I need your forecast and I need it right now. - I predict that someday you'll wear your pants so high that you'll choke yourself to death with your belt. - And the towns-people will erect a statue to honor the belt. Stupid towns-people.
050320 -- I missed the introductions. - I'll use my manager instinct to figure out who's important. - Only a senior executive could get away with looking so disengaged. - I'll mirror his mannerisms so he'll like me. - Now for a witty side comment. Ha ha!
050320 -- That will happen when monkeys fly out of my nose. - No reaction! He must be so important that he has no sense of humor! - I PLEDGE MY LOYALTY TO YOU AND ONLY YOU!!! - I heard that you pledged your loyalty to a dead guy. At leas he won't ask
050320 -- for much.
050321 -- Ted, I don't know how to say this. - We need to lean up the process improvement process so I have to smartsize one resource. - Wow. Usually it's just a figure of speech when people say, "I don't know how to say this."
050322 -- From now on, all of my arguments will be based on definitions that are not in any dictionary. - For example, I could argue that you're a fascist because you're wearing pajamas. - I'm only wearing the top. Man, I wish I didn't know that.
050323 -- And so that's why... Excuse me, you're not entitled to your opinion. - I copyrighted all of the stupidest opinions in the universe so they can never be again uttered. - Hey! I just realized that I no longer need to drink!
050324 -- How can you think that the software integration project is a waste of time??! I don't. - But if history is my guide, you will abuse the next hour of my life by insisting that I defend your misunderstanding of what I think. - So *why* do you
050324 -- think it's a waste of time? Do you mind if I work while you hallucinate?
050325 -- I'm the victim of an ugly rumor at work. - Are you saying that the *rumor* is ugly or that the rumor is that *you're* ugly? - I'm saying the rumor itself is ugly. Well, then I have more bad news for you.
050326 -- What's this I hear about you hating the software integration project? - I don't hate it. I simply mentioned both the pros and cons. People are so conditioned to take sides that a balanced analysis looks to them like hatred. - How can you hate
050326 -- it so much??!! - This is one of those days when it's hard to be me.
050327 -- Carol, the new manager hasn't hired an admin, so I said he could share you. WHAT?!! - I'm drowning in work, and you want to double my load? - It's no big deal. Just prioritize your work. - And I need you to fax this. No can do. - My top
050327 -- priority is getting the new guy all set up. - Hmm...I guess that's fair. I'll send him over. - I can't order your business cards; I need to do a huge faxing project! - Hee hee! Marmaduke is sitting on something again!
050328 -- All of your problems are caused by emotionally unstable coworkers. - Try prescribing meds from the Internet to fix their defects. - Okay. That one was the wrong choice. Let's try something else. GRRRR!
050329 -- Wally, I've noticed that you seem bloated and lethargic. - I prescribe these pills. They come highly recommended. - I know they're safe because I bought them on the Internet.
050330 -- Karl, you're a habitual liar but these pills that I ordered over the Internet will cure you. - I've never lied in my life, but I can't resist free stuff. - Um...are you alive? Never felt better!
050331 -- The Habitual Liar I thought you died. No, I feel great! - I'm sure you're dead. Your head is a skull. I cut back on carbs. - Your head isn't even attached to your body. I take yoga.
050401 -- Habitual Liar Are you sticking with your story that you're still alive? I feel terrific! - I'm running a marathon later today. Lo Priced Cremations While You Wait! - I'm a genie in a bottle! Make a wish! GAAA!!!
050402 -- The Cremated Habitual Liar I'm learning to salsa dance in here. - YOU ARE *NOT* SALSA DANCING! YOU HAVE NO BODY - Tell that to my dance instructor. Focus!
050403 -- This is a prototype of the product I've been developing for the past year. - I modified a pair of standard noise-cancellation headphones to recognize stupidity and block it before it reaches your ears. Duh! - Put these on and you'll enjoy the
050403 -- total bliss that comes from avoiding the chatter of idiots. - Do they work? - What? - I SAID, DO THEY WORK?!! - Does anyone have any questions? - Those are ordinary headphones, aren't they? If you act like you can't hear, they're a prototype.
050404 -- I need a nickname to create the illusion of competence. - I was thinking along the lines of "The Wizard" or "Info-Guru." - I've never wanted to punch you more than at this very moment.
050405 -- From now on, my nickname will be "The Wizard." It speaks to my guru status. - I think I'll call you "The Lizard." It speaks of your small brain and lack of ambition. - Please don't. - Let's see which one catches on quicker.
050406 -- We need a new marketing campaign but we have no budget for it whatsoever. - Who among us is brave enough to lead such a bold and risky project? - Okay, you're doing the worst job of hiding under the table.
050407 -- Dogbert's Tech Support Please fill out the online customer satisfaction survey. - Um...but you even haven't tried to help me yet. - I like to base my help on how happy you expect to be.
050408 -- I hand-picked you two for my team because we have no budget. - Wally, your laziness helps to accomplish the most work with the least effort. Yvonne, your hotness gives you the power to make men do what you want for nothing. - So, then Yvonne
050408 -- convinced me to do her work and Wally went on disability leave. But, otherwise a good meeting?
050409 -- I might have no budget and no staff to help me on my project, but that doesn't matter. - Because all I need are my wits and my computer. My computer is too slow. I'm taking yours. - My wits and...this pencil. Hey, isn't that my pencil?
050410 -- Here are your regular goals and your stretch goals. - What's the difference? - The regular goals can be achieved by sacrificing your health and your personal life. - The stretch goals require all of that plus some sort of criminal conduct. - I'm
050410 -- guessing that your boss gave you the regular goals, and you came up with the stretch goals on your own. - That way, when I achieve the regular goals, you'll get a raise but I'll get none because I missed the stretch goals. - Then you'll get a
050410 -- bonus for keeping salaries below budget. - Maybe we should talk about the ultra-stretchy goals later.
050411 -- How can I create a marketing campaign if my boss doesn't want to give me any resources? - Try giving free samples to people who like celebrities. - And you would be? Donald Trump. Give me some free stuff.
050412 -- My marketing plan involved giving free samples of our cruddy product to celebrity lookalikes. sales - The fact that it worked caused a steep decline in my respect for the intelligence of people. - In conclusion, there's a fine line between
050412 -- marketing and hating.
050413 -- Alice, you are looking at the newest member of "The World's Greatest Interns." - That's a scam to convince gullible interns to buy overpriced wall plaques. - I'll be displaying you less prominently than we had discussed.
050414 -- Our marketing plan was to find a sports stadium to brand with our company's name. - The hard part was finding a team so juiced up that our reputation seemed good in comparison. - How do you feel about the new stadium name? Rage. Same as always.
050415 -- Carol, I decided to take the entire staff out to a five-star restaurant lunch. - The food is so good that it's almost intoxicating. When paired with the right wine, the experience is a once-in-a-life-time sensation. - While we're gone, you'll
050415 -- need to answer everyone's phone.
050416 -- The police say I'm the victim of identity theft. - Now I am doomed to wander the earth without knowing who I am. - That would mean you're wearing a stranger's underpants. GAAA!!
050417 -- Introducing LOOPY The Woman Who Couldn't End a Story - Did I tell you about my vacation? uh-oh. - We learned about coconuts. I'm trapped. - Coconuts are round and hairy, and they grow on trees. Must escape. - Coconut trees are found in many
050417 -- countries. Must use my ejector seat. - FOOMP! Ha ha! - They're brown. Gaaa!!! She has a pursuit chair!!! - I took lots of pictures. Must...aim for traffic.
050418 -- Our vendor's rep says they can't deliver the parts for three months. - That just means he promised the parts to some other customer who did a better job of threatening him. - How about if I say we'll never buy from you again? I'd say you're not
050418 -- exactly buying from us now.
050419 -- All you did this quarter is design *one* microchip. - In comparison, I found the time to attend *dozens* of meetings. - Now do you see what it takes to be a manager? Sadly, yes.
050420 -- You're healthy but I have to give you a prescription for Toxikill. - The drug company's rep is totally hot and she said she'd take me to lunch if I sell enough of this stuff. - Will there be any side effects? Depends on what I eat.
050421 -- Don't feel bad if you only got a 3% raise; I only got 2% myself. - Can we feel bad that 2% of *your* pay is bigger than 3% of *our* pay? - Don't get all mathy on me.
050422 -- Hello. My Crashinbox(tm) computer keeps freezing up. - There are 25 possible fixes but they must be tried in every possible combination. - That's 625 things I'd have to try with no guarantee that any of it will work. - So you're saying you're
050422 -- lazy?
050423 -- While you're here, be a dear and run some Cat-5 to my walk-in closet so I can watch my shows when I'm in there. - I've noticed that you only invite me over when you need a cable pulled. - I don't want to put a bug in your salad, but I will. I'm
050423 -- glad we had this talk.
050424 -- My accomplishment this month was opening a file that someone E-mailed. - That took an entire month? - It wasn't that easy. I didn't have the right software to open the file. - I tried to download the viewer from the Internet but the web site
050424 -- didn't support my browser. - And I couldn't upgrade my browser until I upgraded my operating system! - That required me to upgrade all of my applications software, too. - My hard disk got maxed out, so I had to upgrade my computer and transfer
050424 -- all of the files. - So, then you got to view the file? Yeah...it was a funny one about a cat.
050425 -- Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources Don't rate any employees "excellent" because then they'd expect raises. - Don't give any bad ratings either because it would reflect poorly on your ability to hire and motivate people. - How will I make
050425 -- the useless people feel bad if I'm rating them "good"? Try using this scrowl.
050426 -- Wally, I'm rating you "good" but not because you are. - Company policy says I have to fire anyone rated lower than good, and the hiring freeze means it would shrink my empire. - So you can get paid for doing nothing as long as you don't kill
050426 -- anyone. I can't promise that.
050427 -- Asok, I decided to give you a slight promotion! Gasp! A slight promotion! - The pay will be the same but you can make your cubicle slightly larger by shaving the ragged fabric on the inside walls. - You new title is spelled just like the old
050427 -- one but it's pronounced completely differently.
050428 -- Oh no. It's a technical glitch that I don't know how to fix. - Gaa!! Now I must humble myself to some condescending engineer and ask for help! - And how did I teach you to ask? I'm sorry that I spent my college years drinking beer and studying
050428 -- English literature.
050429 -- Just disable the local cache mode to fix the MAPI settings, and delete the duplicate messaging subsystem registry key. - What if I don't understand anything you said right then? good grief! I can't make it any simpler! - GAAA!!! It's funny
050429 -- because it's cruel.
050430 -- Once again you have failed to motivate me. - I don't want to become like my coworkers, always plotting ways to sabotage your career. - Now would be a good time for you to say something inspirational.
050501 -- I've received some complaints that you've been badgering managers. - Hm...badgering, you say. - Let me see if I understand this "badgering" concept. - Let's say that I need a manager's decision on a critical issue... - And the manager in
050501 -- question ignores my E-mails and phone calls... - Shouldn't I insist that this manager do the job for which he is overpaid?!!! - HUH? SHOULDN'T I? WHAT DO YOU SAY? HUH? HUH? HOW ABOUT IT? HUH? - I'll say I talked to her.
050502 -- Dilbert, we're low of space. You'll have to share your cubicle. - This is outrageous! I will fight this all the way to the board of directors! - Hola. My name is Lola. But then I remembered the importance of teamwork.
050503 -- I hope you don't mind that I'll be sharing your cubicle. Umm...I don't mind. - There's only one chair. Do you mind if I sit on your lap? Umm...I don't mind. - I can't imagine how this could be better. Which one of the Star Trek series did you
050503 -- like best?
050504 -- Should I date a coworker? - You should date anything that has a pulse, bad judgment and no restraining orders against you. - But she has to be hot. Settle for "still warm."
050505 -- It's too bad that we share a cubicle. Otherwise I'd date you. - If I didn't work out, we'd have to see each other every day. - ...always reminded of your incredible time together. WHERE's THE BAD?!! WHERE'S THE BAD?!
050506 -- Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources As part of my ongoing campaign against employee happiness... - Employees are not allowed to date each other. - Now you're forbidden fruit...yummy. Stay back, rule-breaker.
050507 -- A cubicle vacancy opened up, so I'll be moving out of here. - My attorney will contact you about dividing up our workspace property. - Next, can you prove that you had both eyebrows before you met my client?
050508 -- I completed the audit of your new $150 million software system. - I recommend that you scrap the entire thing. - WHAT?!! How could the entire thing be worthless? - Well, your normal software system would be a clever combination of ones and
050508 -- zeros. - Yours is all ones. - There must be some way to tweak it until it works. - My company can sell you all the zeros you need, but you'll have to arrange them yourself. - When you have a few minutes, I have a little assignment for you.
050509 -- First Day On The Job Employee orientation was great! Now where do you want me to start? - I'm kind of busy. Maybe you could look at our web site and guess what you should be doing. - GAAA!!! What happened to my back??? Stress; you get used to
050509 -- it.
050510 -- The New Employee No assignment...no computer...no friends to talk to... - It's just me and this huge stress hump. - Must...resist...urge...to name the hump...and talk to it. wazzup?
050511 -- The New Employee Maybe if I make a friend at work it will reduce my stress hump. - I must choose carefully because I will be judged by the people I choose to associate with. - Hi. I'm the new guy. The lazy people have found each other.
050512 -- The New Guy We have a strong culture of Teamwork here. - While you're doing those easy tasks, I'll be off doing assignments of unimaginable difficulty. - Did anyone warn you that we have a strong culture of getting suckers to do your work?
050513 -- The New Guy Hey, new guy, that's quite a stress hump you have there. Maybe I can fix it. - YAAA!! PUNCH - Wow!! It's gone! Does that always work? I dunno. To be honest, I just wanted to punch it.
050514 -- Could I have a few days off to see if my stress hump goes away? - Stress is all in your mind. I should fire you and your hump right now for even asking! - Just because he said no? It was the way he said it.
050515 -- Mister Dogbert has agreed to consult for $400 per hour. - I know it's expensive but you get what you pay for. - Let's get the ball rolling. - My first question is: what process will you be using to arrive at your recommendations? - - A... -
050515 -- very... - slow one.
050516 -- Sale I'm looking for a practical vehicle that's also good for the environment. - I recommend the Envirocrusher-4. It weighs 40 tons and it uses owls for fuel. - Where would I get that many owls? The engine noise stuns them. You just pick them
050516 -- up off the ground.
050517 -- My new SUV uses owls for fuel. It seemed like a good idea but now I can't find enough owls. - You'll have to start breeding your own owls. That's what I figured. - You said there would be rodents.
050518 -- The Accounting Department I can't process your travel expenses because you sent me copies of receipts. I need the originals. - I'm busy. Just fax them. -
050519 -- Don't blame me, but there's no budget to give you a raise this year. Why not? - My business trip to Las Vegas cost four million dollars because I passed out in the bathtub with the water running and flooded five floors. - The bartenders there
050519 -- are totally irresponsible.
050520 -- Asok, this is important, but you have a month to finish it. I'll start right away. - It's smarter to wait until the last minute and then make a big show of how hard you're working to meet the unreasonable deadline. - You said that right in
050520 -- front of him. It'll still work. That's the freaky part.
050521 -- You have to have a leadership succession plan. - There's a freeze on hiring, so you'll need to pick someone from your staff. - So, if something horrible happened to you, I'd get a promotion? This was a bad idea.
050522 -- Alice, company policy says that personal items can not be higher than the cubicle wall. - Just out of curiosity, what is the logic behind that bizarre policy? - We want to maintain a smooth line-of-sight for aesthetic reasons. - Let me see if I
050522 -- understand your point of view. - My Einstein doll makes the cubicle so hideous that our stock price will plunge. - Now if I take it down... - Gasp! It's so beautiful now! My soul is filled with music! My life has meaning! - Hey! I just notice
050522 -- that when I look at this doll and you at the same time, you look hideous.
050523 -- There's a medical procedure that will make you more attractive to the opposite sex. - The doctors would remove every part of your body and replace them with the parts from an attractive guy. - It sounds painful. Not if you do it all at once.
050524 -- Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources I need help balancing my career with my personal life. - I recommend a book called "No One Will Ever Love You." It'll crush your hope for a personal life and free up more time for work. - That sounds
050524 -- unhealthy. Take a pill, crybaby.
050525 -- I'm having trouble balancing my work life and my personal life. How do you do it? - I use job anger to destabilize my hormonal balance and crush any competing urges. - That reminds me: I need to punch something today or I'll want to have kids.
050526 -- No one has any good advice on how I can balance my work with my personal life. You didn't ask me. - I take the Zen approach of having no friends and doing no work. Hence, perfect balance. - Where did you get that definition of Zen? I used to
050526 -- read, but it's faster to make up stuff.
050527 -- Milt, you have a wife and kids. How do you find time to do everything you need to do? - I had to give up a few things, such as exercising and eating healthy food. - That sounds dangerous. Nah. The kids are trained to use the defibrilator.
050528 -- Dogbert's Tech Support - You have a bad case of computer rot. - Your computer is designed to become slower and more unreliable over time so you have to upgrade. - But if you'd like some false hope, I can tell you how to defragment your disk
050528 -- drive.
050529 -- Can I show you something I'm proud of? - I automated a task that used to take me three hours. - Well, well, well. Isn't that just like you? - Resourceful? Lazy. - - Did you just turn my brilliant accomplishment into a character flaw? -
050529 -- Complainer. - Let's just forget the whole thing. Quitter.
050530 -- We've just been informed that out product's name means something bad in the Elbonian language. - It means "the intense pleasure derived from giving yourself a wedgie." - Thus was hatched the greatest prank ever perpetrated by Elbonia. I gotta
050530 -- try that.
050531 -- I thought I hired a genius. - But he turned out to bean ordinary guy faking a British accent. - 'ello, bird. 'ow 'bout a spot o' tea? Whot do you say, Gov'nor? Who's making those sexy sounds?
050601 -- I think I'm in love with the new guy because of his fake British accent. He's mine! - You're married. I am? Wow! His British accent made me forget. - I say, old beans, did anyone see by brolly on the lift? swooh I'm single.
050602 -- Congratulations, Alice. You're one of my two candidates for a promotion to management. - The other candidate has no qualifications except for his manager-sounding voice. - And he doesn't make that face.
050603 -- I couldn't buy the software I need to do my job because of your freeze on expenses. - And your I.S. policy says I can't use the freeware version that is readily available. - So I used the week to develop some new coffee-sipping noises.
050604 -- What are you doing? Holding up the wall? - Zing! That was a good one. - Have you met the new structural engineer?
050605 -- Wally, the status report that you E-mailed is blank. - That's because eagles can't type. What? - The motivational poster in the break says I should be like an eagle. - The point of that poster is that your spirit should soar like an eagle while
050605 -- you continue to do mundane work. - Wouldn't I die if my spirit left my body to go soar? - You're confusing your spirit with your soul. - While your spirit is soaring, your soul should remain trapped in your body, slowly decaying while you
050605 -- create your status report. - Would it change anything if I got a poster that says, "You want it when?!!"
050606 -- The beta version looks great. Now ask if they'll toss in an archive option for no extra money. - That's a great idea. Or...maybe I could save time by realizing that they aren't raging morons who enjoy working for free. - It's all in the way
050606 -- they'll ask. I'll try yelling.
050607 -- I'm Dogbert, your life coach. I'm here because you're an unmotivated, drifting, unorganized dolt. - Life coach? I didn't ask for a life coach. - Which part of "unmotivated, drifting, unorganized dolt" is confusing you?
050608 -- Keep a journal of everything you do. That way you'll know where you need help. - Now I am writing in my journal. I am still writing in my journal. Now I am writing about writing in my journal. - Ooh, I think I felt a little personal growth
050608 -- there.
050609 -- Have you ever noticed that all of the good people quit? - There's no one left here but wretched, incompetent, lazy miscreants. - A-a-nyhoo.
050610 -- I don't have enough resources to do my job. - Isn't that like saying, "how now, brown cow"? - You think things can't get worse. But they can.
050611 -- I have to cut your project's budget by ten percent. Ten percent? - That's the sort of round number you would pick if you did no thinking whatsoever. - Anything can be cut by ten percent without affecting the result. Cool! I'm cutting back to 36
050611 -- hours per week!
050612 -- I need Tuesday off because my son is having his tonsils removed. - Since when do you know how to remove tonsils? - Um...I won't be performing the surgery myself. - Do you have a rare blood type to donate? - No. Actually, I was planning on
050612 -- sitting in the waiting room to give him moral support. - So your kid is immoral and sick? He sounds like a real winner. - What I mean is that I plan to have a cold o Tuesday. - Well, I can see where your kid gets it from.
050613 -- Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources In order to improve office efficiency, all birthdays will be celebrated on the same day. - Do you mean one celebration per year, or just once and then we're done forever? Just once. - Well, at least
050613 -- I'll feel special once. What day is the celebration? Yesterday.
050614 -- Here's my bill for the consulting work I've done for you over the past year. - What consulting? I haven't seen any reports. I did it all in my head. I don't like to waste paper. - What's your recommendation? Status quo. You're doing everything
050614 -- right.
050615 -- I keep paying you for consulting, but you never make any recommendations. I'm what you call a "Feel Good." - My job is to make you feel secure in the knowledge that someone brilliant is shaping your strategies. - This is weird; I hate you, but
050615 -- at the same time I feel good. You're welcome.
050616 -- Dogbert Consults Incentivize the resources to grow their bandwidth to your end-state vision. - Don't open the kimono until you ping the change agent for a brain dump and drill down to your core competencies. - Confused look...huge
050616 -- invoice...this man is a victim of consult and blabbery.
050617 -- I'm ready for a new batch of tiger meat. Grrr! - I want a project that will challenge my abilities, bring glory to the company and delight our stockholders! - How about this one? Nope. Not challenging enough. I'll give it to one of the less
050617 -- motivated employees.
050618 -- Our core values are service, integrity, respect, teamwork, responsibility, trust, diversity, value honesty, fun, passion, fairness and excellence. - How should we deal with the inherent conflicts? I mean, what if I want to be irresponsible in a
050618 -- fun and passionate way? - You have to do all of them. I notice that hygiene didn't make the list.
050619 -- This needs to be done right away. - According to the day, you've had this on your desk for three weeks. - Now I'll have to work all weekend to finish it by the deadline! - Sometimes you have to soar by the eagles. - Gaaa!!! You're reading that
050619 -- from the motivational poster behind me! - If I have any questions about this, can I call you over the weekend? - My cell phone doesn't work when I'm on my sixty-foot, luxury sailboat. - AY-YI-YI-YI-YI!!! Hey, if you can't take the heat, get out
050619 -- of the...uh...kitchen.
050620 -- Dogbert Consults Your CEO is the worst performer in the entire Fortune 500. - Your best bet is convince him to become a reckless adventurer. - Tell me again why I'd want to bungee jump into an active volcano? Because you can!
050621 -- It's good P.R. for the company when the CEO is a fearless adventurer. Sounds dangerous. - Don't worry. I've asked your chief financial officer to be in charge of safety. - Okay, who estimated the length of the bungee cord?
050622 -- Your CEO was underperforming, so I convinced him to bungee jump into a live volcano. Problem solved. - Well, he underperformed and he got punished. - Pumiced, actually. Evil, yet amusing.
050623 -- Dogbert's Executive Search Firm You need to hire a big name CEO to get some buzz. - You want someone with a reputation for toughness, who knows how to get the most out of people. - Come back later, I'm still getting the most out of this one.
050624 -- Dogbert's Executive Search Firm How would you like to be the CEO of a major corporation? - You'd be paid $100 million per year just for showing up. I'd have to see the dental plan. - He's not very effective during the day.
050625 -- Dogbert's Executive Search Firm Ratbert, would you like to be the CEO of a major corporation? - That had always been my dream...until I found this extension cord to gnaw on. Now I'm committed to seeing it through. - He's a risk-taker who won't
050625 -- stop until he achieves his goal.
050626 -- And that's my design plan. Are there any questions? - It reminds me of Egyptian hieroglyphics. Are you sure they didn't patent it? - Um...I don't think that's likely. - But there's still some risk? - First of all, I didn't use hieroglyphics.
050626 -- Secondly, the ancient Egyptians didn't have microchips. Thirdly, they didn't have patent laws. - Oh yeah? Then how did they build the pyramids? Good point. - Do some research on that question and get back to us next week. - Next on the agenda:
050626 -- why do our projects take so long? What?
050627 -- Ratbert The CEO Miss Pennington, have my diner. Fetch the limo. - My name isn't Miss Pennington. It's Harold. And? - Um...and...I'll have it legally changed to Miss Pennington so you won't be wrong. Plus the surgery.
050628 -- The best part about being CEO is that it made me smarter. Watch this. - The capital of Japan is Mitsubishi. That's right! You're a genius! - Yesterday I would have said nine.
050629 -- Ratbert The CEO I've only been CEO for two days and already losing my empathy. - For example, I'm pretty sure that decorating my office is more important than your healthcare.  -Which reminds me: I plan to have you varnished and used as my
050629 -- desk.
050630 -- Ratbert The CEO The board has learned that you've been dipping employees in varnish and using them as office furniture. - We voted to fire you. Your severance package includes $100 million, the corporate jet, perpetual benefits and a salary of
050630 -- $1 million per year. - BU-YA! He's taking it well.
050701 -- You're a successful engineer and I'm a failed CEO. It's kind of funny that I'm worth $100 million and you're not. - It's funny because it's all reverse of how it should be. - It's funny because your head wouldn't normally fit inside a glass.
050702 -- In order to avoid shoddy mistakes, everything we do from now on will be part of a documented process. - What documented process did you use to decide what documented process to use? - Or is this one of those shoddy mistakes I keep hearing
050702 -- about?
050703 -- Dilbert, come to my office for a minute. - What's in your office? - You and I will be there. - If you just want to talk, we can do it right here and save us both some time. - Maybe we need privacy. Did you ever think of that? Do we need it? -
050703 -- No. That was just an example. There are many, many reasons why we should talk in my office. - I'll be fascinated to find out what kind of information is geographically dependent. - Now, do you have the results from the benchmark tests? Yup. In
050703 -- my cubicle.
050704 -- All of my ex-boyfriends were sexy and handsome. - I finally realized that dating sexy, handsome men isn't for me. - I feel a mixed blessing coming my way. What are you doing for lunch.
050705 -- I'm tired of dating pretty boys where I need to look and act my best all the time. - I want a guy who knows he can't do better than me, no matter what I look like. - MORE BREAD!!!
050706 -- Company Lawyer This contract would be subject to a "reasonable man" interpretation. - Where is this guy? I'll squash him like a bug! - Okay, moving on... It's you! I knew it!
050707 -- When you do something I don't like, I'll let you know by cursing and then spitting on your forehead. - Maybe you could just tell me what I did wrong. - #*%*!
050708 -- Do you think it's fair that you keep spitting on me just because you disagree with what I say? - Why am I the one who always has to change to make other people happy? - Because you're the crazy one. Now you're all quiet. Why can't men learn to
050708 -- communicate?
050709 -- You've got a bad case of manager's elbow. - It's caused by patting yourself on the back and covering your butt at the same time. - I recommend that you join the Cirque de Soleil. I'm giving you a prescription for a leotard.
050710 -- Asok, the move that I am about to teach you is called the "Wally Reflector." - Throughout the day, bad people will try to make you do work for them. - At first, offer no resistance, as if you actually plan to do the work. - Then ask the
050710 -- offender to do a little bit of work himself. Allow me to demonstrate. - Wally, I need you to design a database for all of our product features and services. Glad to do it! - All I need from you is a comprehensive list of the data fields you
050710 -- need included. - Oh...wow. I'm really busy. I'll have to get back to you on that. - And I'll never see that idiot again. You inspire me, in a creepy kind of way.
050711 -- Asok, I'm flying to Los Angeles for a meeting and I want you to join me. GASP - I am honored. This feels like an important milestone in my burgeoning career! - We'll begin by preboarding anyone who...coming through!
050712 -- Your seat is next to mine, but I don't like to sit by people. - It's a full flight, so I don't see how I could...oh dear... - No, I will not "scooch over."
050713 -- Five-Star Hotel I'd like a wake-up call at 6 A.M. and a second one at 6:15 - Then I'd like a team of bellmen to lift the head of the bed while blind maids hold my pants so I can slide into them. - Why yes, as a matter of fact, I *am* a manager.
050714 -- Five-Star Hotel I'd like to order breakfast and schedule a massage. - Mmm...a nice massage and then breakfast. - Well, I *would* "get rubbing," but I'm only the breakfast guy.
050715 -- I hope you enjoyed your stay. I'll just check to see what movies you rented. - GAA!!! GAAA!!! GAAA!!! GAAA!!! GAAA!!! - An I recommend that we burn the furniture.
050716 -- I invented a cure for the common cold. - The possible side-effects are coughing, sore throat, runny nose, congestion and nausea. - So...It's a pill that makes you nauseous? Only if you have a cold.
050717 -- This budget would only work if the project encountered no problems whatsoever. So? - All projects have unexpected problems. Therefore, this budget is almost certainly wrong. - Leaders do not plan for failure. - Do leaders make deceptive
050717 -- forecasts and later act shocked when things don't work out? No. - A leader first makes himself believe the lie, thus turning deception into an inspiring form of optimism. Observe. - GAAA!!! BELIEVE! BELIEVE! - The swelling will go down in a few
050717 -- hours. Then we'll have a perfect budget. - What?
050718 -- Your bid to build our cell phone network is the lowest by far. - But I'd feel more comfortable if it had an illegal component. - Like a bribe? Or helping you build a nuclear weapon? Yes, just something to add flavor.
050719 -- The Elbonians are demanding bribes, or else they won't do business with us. - Hire them as overpaid consultants and don't ask them for anything. That way, it's all legal. - And by legal you mean won't get caught? Po-tay-to, po-tah-to.
050720 -- The Elbonians won't do business with my company unless we bribe them. - Offer to give them plans for building a nuclear weapon. Then give them plans to build microwave ovens instead. - Would that work? Why do you think our garage is full of
050720 -- Persian rugs?
050721 -- We won the Elbonia bid, but I had to promise we'd give them plans to build a nuclear warhead. - Don't worry. I got the plans off the Internet and I modified some things. - Now all we need is some highly enriched bread.
050722 -- The project has a 70% chance of minor success and a 30% chance of corporate ruination. - I like those odds. When can we start? - Start? I wish we had ten more projects like this one.
050723 -- The best way to make this decision is by calculating the expected value of each possible outcome. - You multiply the... Must pretend to be dead. - I sense that we're done here. I hope the dead sometimes cover their ears.
050724 -- I have a great idea. - I was chatting with the director of marketing and we... WHAT?!! - Never discuss ideas with the director of marketing! Never!  ! - You work for me! When you talk to other managers it undercuts my authority! - If I accept
050724 -- ideas from another manager, it's just like he's my boss! - Amazing! Did you know that you behavior is described on page 27 of the "putrid boss" book? It's the chapter on killing initiative and bullying! - That's fascinating. Now let me show you
050725 -- something that isn't in the book. - It looks like someone has been showing initiative. Please shut up.
050725 -- The company requires me to give failing performance reviews to 20% of my staff. - There are four of you, so that works out to...80% of a person. - Wally, your calf muscles and ankles are performing well, but the rest of you is monkey hurlage.
050726 -- Alice, where are the quality estimates that I asked you for an hour ago? - It's between your left arm and your stout torso, about elbow-high. - Stupid elbow.
050727 -- I keep forgetting where I put things. The problem is that you're stupid. - I recommend replacing your brain with a monkey brain. - Will that help? No, I just hate monkeys.
050728 -- I'm referring you to a specialist who can treat your absent-mindedness. - His method is untested, but I think it's worth a chance. - You'll replace my brain with a cauliflower? They're just like brains, but much cheaper.
050729 -- First I'll saw open your head. Then I'll replace your faulty brain with a fresh cauliflower. - How do I know you won't put me to sleep, eat the cauliflower and claim the operation worked? - That reminds me: your insurance doesn't cover
050729 -- anesthesia.
050730 -- How'd your brain transplant work out? Great. Ask me anything. - What roman general was famous for crossing the Rubicon river? Caesar. - Wow. That's right. Phew! I'm glad I didn't go with dijon vinaigrette.
050731 -- RRRING!! Now what? - This is Alice. Hi, it's your boss. - Oh, no. I hear traffic. Where are you? In my car. - Gaaa! It's a car call. He's using me to entertain himself while he's sitting in traffic. How's everything? - I'll lose an hour of my
050731 -- life if I don't get him off the phone. Nice weather today. - Do me a favor and look in your briefcase to see if my latest report is there. Okay. - And turn down your radio so I can hear you...and check your calendar on your PDA. - GAAA!!!
050731 -- CRASH! I'm going to hell.
050801 -- I am Mordac, the Preventer of Information Technology, and I have assigned you a new password. What is it? click click - It's the full text of "The Da Vinci Code," excluding the parts I don't believe. - I'm not touching you. Stupid scenery
050801 -- descriptions.
050802 -- I am Mordac, the Preventer of Information Technology. I have modified your screensaver security to lock up after two seconds of inactivity. - Ha ha! Unless you touch the keyboard every two seconds you will be forced to log-in again! - Dang! Your
050802 -- perpetually moving head-bobbing bird! Gaaa!!!
050803 -- I understand that you have an opening for a negotiator who deals with potential jumpers. - I can't see you because my hat is in the way, but you sound perfect for the job. - Your reverse psychology didn't work. What reverse psychology?
050804 -- Police Negotiator SURRENDER NOW, AND YOU WON'T GET HURT!!! - Here he comes BAM BAM BAM - I'll leave an evaluation form. Please let us know how we're doing! Done deal.
050805 -- My accomplishments this month include complying with our ISO 9000, Sarbanes-Oxley and SEI-5 policies. - And if you make a new policy, I will comply with it so fast it will make your head spin! - It it my imagination or is pretending to work
050805 -- getting easier?
050806 -- Sometimes I feel guilty because my company sells defective products. - I believe in karma. That means I can do bad things to people all day long and I assume they deserve it. - By the way, where are we? I think we wandered into a bad doodle.
050807 -- Please don't discuss your raise with co-workers. Whatever. - Let's see how the losers and morons did. - You only got 6%? I got 8%. - 9%. Why do you ask? - 7.5%. Anything less would be humiliating. - Well, let me see...I think it was... Brace
050807 -- for impact. - 8.5%. GAAA!! - Has she yet learned why it is a bad idea to discuss her raise with co-workers? Sounds like it.
050808 -- I have good news about the promotion you wanted: You didn't get it! - HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY CALL THAT GOOD NEWS? - They don't like positivity.
050809 -- I have some good news and some bad news. - The good news is that the company is going to sponsor a corporate marathon team. - The bad news is that one of you is going to run 26 miles tomorrow.
050810 -- Wally, I want you to represent our company in the corporate marathon. - Um...I can't run 26 miles. - Yes, you can. I've designed a special hat to help you. - What the...?
050811 -- The project post-mortem will only be helpful if each of you is honest about what went wrong. - Your colossal ineptitude as a leader suppressed our natural talents, leaving us listless and unfocused. - And by "honest," I mean blaming people who
050811 -- aren't here. Look! You're doing it again!
050812 -- I have a new hobby. It's called phishing. - I send fake banking E-Mails to gullible executives. Then I find out their financial information and use it to steal the money they don't deserve. - Dear Customer, This is your bank. We forgot your
050812 -- social security number and password. Why don't you send them to us so we can protect your money. Sincerely, I.B. Banker. Looks legit.
050813 -- No one ever wants to take more than half of what's left of the last doughnut. - That's why I call it the Xeno's Doughnut. Hee hee! - I heard some of that. Do you want to switch to hard liquor? Hurry.
050814 -- I fell an evil wind blowing my way. - My soul is filling with darkness...suddenly I am cold. - Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources Hello-o-o, Asok. - Gaaa!!! What are you doing here?!! It's time for the annual employee satisfaction survey.
050814 -- - Perhaps I overreacted. I don't see how this could possibly be bad. - It is evident from these questions that you care about my wellbeing! - I love the part where they think I'm here to help. purr purr - Two Weeks Later They're delighted with
050814 -- their benefits. It looks like we can save some money there.
050815 -- I was the world's fastest worker. - My big mistake was becoming a lawyer. - Flashback Do you think I need an estate plan? Here's your will and here's my bill for 9 cents.
050816 -- Topper Versus the Feature Creep We need to add a keyword search function. That's nothing! - It should also search in different languages including Friulian, Kataang, Horpa and Wagi. - I like your style. That's nothing! I want to marry you in a
050816 -- civil union.
050817 -- Topper Vs. Customer I competed in the Iditarod, and 1,150-mile dogsled race lasting 15 days, over the world's toughest terrain. - That's nothing. I completed the race while pretending to be one of your dogs. - Now I don't want to buy from your
050817 -- company. That's nothing. Now I plan to burn my company to the ground!
050818 -- Topper Vs. Alice I didn't get much sleep last night. That's nothing. - I'm part of a secret government test on sleep deprivation. I haven't slept since February. - I so want to punch you right now. That's nothing. I'll rip off my own head and
050818 -- make me eat it.
050819 -- Topper Vs. The Boos It was the biggest fish ever caught in that lake! That's nothing. - I once caught a dinosaur by using nothing but dental floss and a pull tab from a beer can. - I'd like to see this alleged dinosaur. To late. I also make the
050819 -- world's best barbecue sauce.
050820 -- A prestigious window-facing cubicle has just become available. - It'll be a perfect place to store all the printer paper I bought so I could win a free trip from the paper vendor. - And maybe the sunlight will bleach out the visible wood chips.
050821 -- Good evening. This is the Dogbert Easy News Channel. - We bring you all the news that's easy to gather. - Today's top story is about something that was first reported in a newspaper and later read by me. - People in other countries want to kill
050821 -- us. The rest of the article is mostly names I can't pronounce. - We thought about asking them why they want to kill us, but they don't have phones. - So here's the next best thing: a debate between two middle-aged guys who also don't know why
050821 -- people want to kill us. - They hate us because we are so wonderful. Buy my book or you will all die! - Next on easy news, our panelists will discuss dumb crooks who keep getting stuck in chimneys. Excellent.
050822 -- Aha! Just the person I need. - Meet with the LDC and make sure the MRT gets urped when the RFIT gets nerked to the orcat. - If you have any questions, I don't have time for that sort of thing.
050823 -- I've decided to standardize the department on a new programming language. - With all due respect, that sort of decision should be made by someone who knows his mass from a black hole. - The vendor warned me that you couldn't be objective.
050824 -- How's the coding coming along? No problems, unless... - ...some moron tries to standardize on a new programming methodology in the middle of the project. - What if it's me instead of some moron guy?
050825 -- The project was moving along well until management changed our coding language and methodology. - Now our timeline is represented by this M.C. Escher print of an endless stairway. - This deepsea submarine is looking for our morale. Would this
050825 -- be a bad time to add a few features?
050826 -- Subject: URGENT Dilbert, give me your budget numbers as soon as possible. - Technology is amazing. I type one message and within minutes I'll have my data. - First order of business: delete all spam E-Mail that has a subject of "urgent".
050827 -- Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources I call it a stealth layoff. - We move all of the worthless employees to the same project. When it's done, we tell them that their jobs no longer exist. - I don't like the look of this.
050828 -- My job could not be more meaningless. - I'm looking at my new Director of Post-Decision Support! - After I make a decision, your job is to figure out why it was the right one. - Save those tears of joy for later. We've got work to do! SOB - I
050828 -- decided to outsource our nuclear contracts to North Elbonia. - An in return, they'll give us food, if they ever figure out how to grow any. - I expect some fallout from this decision. Me too. - On the plus side, it won't be long before there's
050828 -- a government reward for killing him.
050829 -- I decided to start a discount religion. - The tithing would only be 5% and I'd let people sin as much as they wanted. - The only problem is that I don't want to spend time with anyone who would join that sort of religion.
050830 -- Per company policy, I got you the last expensive flight available. - Your trip will have 17 connecting flights and you're required to spend at least on night "in an Elbonian prison, dressed as a ballerina." - How much would I have to desecrate
050830 -- a national monument to get one night in jail?
050831 -- are there meals on this flight? Yes, if you're a cannibal. - That is not funny. After this flight, I'm going to complain to your supervisor. - Can you put me next to the plump guy? Sure. He's in B8.
050901 -- Why do I always get the seat next to the cannibal? - These guys are all the same. I know what's going to happen next. - My hairy skull isn't touching you. Right on schedule.
050902 -- I have completed all of my projects and I am ready for a new challenge. - You can help Tina write the department newsletter. - But the newsletter job is only given to the most worthless employee. And her assistant.
050903 -- I'm the editor of the department newsletter. That makes you my cub reporter. - Cub reporter??? I have an engineering degree from the India Institute of Technology - the most challenging university on the planet. - That'll come handy during the
050903 -- copying phase. We get some fierce paper jams.
050904 -- The trouble started when you insisted on giving inspirational names to the conference rooms. - I scheduled a project meeting for the "quality" room and noone knew where to go. - Some people ended up in the "teamwork" room while others went to
050904 -- the "excellence" room. - By the time we sorted it all out, someone else was scheduled to use our conference room. - Then it took three weeks to schedule another meeting when everyone could make it. - But half of the team went to the "action"
050904 -- room and sat there while we waited in the "good planning" room. - - I thought this was the budget meeting.
050905 -- I made a fortune by being an incompetent CEO. Everyone called me crazy when I put my entire personal wealth into pigs and garbage dumps. - You invested all of your money in pigs and dumps? - Invested? Now that would have been a good idea too.
050906 -- I heard that porpoises are smart, so I hired one. - Porpoises have been known to save humans by attacking sharks with their snouts. - He looks like our company lawyer, but more surprised.
050907 -- There's no law that says a porpoise can't kill a company lawyer, but it's still somewhat bad. - Officially, I have to give you a reprimand. - Unofficially, do you like mackerel? squeak!
050908 -- Carol, shred this. - The shredder is right behind you, next to the fax. - What if I do it wrong? Only a complete moron could do this wrong. - Um...I think I might have just faxed our strategy someplace. And that's why you never see a water
050908 -- fountain in a men's restroom.
050909 -- Having two computers is a violation of the company's 5S rules of standardized workspace. - I need two computers to test my software. There's no way to do my job with one. - I have a compromise solution. Put this little red tag on one of them
050909 -- and tell me later if anything bad happens.
050910 -- You will no longer have access to code on any server but your own. - Is it my imagination, or are all of our rules designed for the sole purpose of being huge inconveniences? - And starting today, all passwords must contain letters, numbers,
050910 -- doodles, sign language and squirrel noises.
050911 -- Welcome to Dogbert's Anger Management Seminar. - My goal is to transform you from angry nuts into... - angry nuts who have paid me. - I need a volunteer for our first demonstration. You, come here. - Put your head about here. - Now try to
050911 -- control your anger while I do this... - WHAP WHAP WHAP WHAP WHAP - Maybe you didn't get enough sleep last night.
050912 -- Elbonian hackers are trying to steal our source code. Send our goons to beat them up. - I was thinking more along the lines of improving our data security. Improve it or else I'll have our goons beat you up. - This is surprisingly motivational.
050912 -- Youse call dat a firewall?
050913 -- Do you have the list of invitees for the debriefing meeting? - Here. I like to blame people who won't be in the room. - Bad news for you: you're not on the list.
050914 -- The failure of my project can only be blamed on... beep beep beep - I'll be right there. - That guy.
050915 -- Wally, after I left the meeting yesterday, did you blame me for the failure of the project? - I'm getting a bad vibe from people today. That sort of rumor could stain my reputation and ruin my entire future. - How dare you accuse me... Well,
050915 -- well. Look who's impeding Wally again.
050916 -- I need you to pick up Ted's function. - No problem. I have infinite capacity to do more work as long as you don't mind that my quality reaches zero. - Or are you asking me to do something that's logically impossible? I think I hate you.
050917 -- I didn't think it was possible, but for the past month I've done my own job plus Ted's, and done them well. - I know that you're marveling at my accomplishment and wondering how you can reward me. - Maybe I can fire Carl and make this idiot do
050917 -- his job too. I'll bet we're thinking of the same bonus amount!
050918 -- I want to get a good base tan before I take my vacation. - That'll prevent me from getting a sunburn when I go to the beach. - I think it's a myth that a base tan can protect you from sunburns. - You are so wrong! Let's make a bet. The loser
050918 -- has to jump into that freezing pond. - Fine. I'll do a search on my wireless computer. Here you go: a base tan provides only a negligible SPF 4 protection. - I'm not jumping into that freezing pond. - push - You were already ignorant and
050918 -- contentious. I didn't want you to be a welcher too.
050919 -- We've narrowed our target market to this guy. - He's the only one rich enough and stupid enough to buy our high-end product. - Our diamond-encrusted time machine will take you one hour into the future in only sixty minutes!
050920 -- Question. if our new product takes you sixty minutes into the future in one hour... - Isn't that the same as doing nothing at all? - It also makes you lose weight if you stay in long enough...while not eating.
050921 -- Dogbert Consults Your time machine is a fraud, but noone needs to know. - With a few minor modifications, the user will vanish, and everyone will assume it worked. - This is in case you don't completely vanish.
050922 -- I'm an attorney. If my client is injured by this untested time machine, I will sue! - I think you should consult with your client before being so belligerent. -
050923 -- Wally, I've been watching you for half an hour and you've done no work. - I'm waiting for my program to compile while I design the next module in my head. - Could you grimace so I know you're working? Here you go.
050924 -- What's up with the face? I'm practicing my work grimace. - This face says, "I'm so overworked that I can't possibly do any more." - I'm also getting a message of intestinal discomfort. It's a subplot.
050925 -- HELLO! HELLO! - Let me see that. I'm an engineer. - Hmm...it might be a bad signal or maybe a bad phone. There's only one way to isolate the problem. - Go up on the roof and see if you have reception there. - Dang. Nothing. - Uh-oh. The door is
050925 -- locked. No other way to get down...no one can hear me yell and my phone doesn't work. - My only hope is to jump into that open garbage bin in the alley. - That'll teach him to keep his battery charged.
050926 -- Here's a list of gifts I received on National Boss Day. - Sort them by dollar value and assign annual raises based on who gave the most. - Now i get the Sculpture-o-gum.
050927 -- I've decided to test my market value by doing some interviews. - Would you like some interview tips?. Nah. I'll use my instincts. - You're an hour late! Your men's room is like a palace.
050928 -- Wally Interviews Do you mind if I eat a sandwich while we do this? - Yes, actually I... CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP MMM-MMM MPH-UH - What would you say is your biggest weakness? Cheese.
050929 -- Wally Interviews The job doesn't have a base salary. - You'll pay us $1,000 per month and work from home. If you make any money for us, we'll give you 10%. - You're not allowed to have business cards. And you can't use your name. Can I have a
050929 -- private office in my house?
050930 -- I have a job offer from another company, but I'll give you a chance to buy my loyalty. - Now I just sit back and let the loving begin. - And his opening offer is... That's right: whack him in the parking lot.
051001 -- The employee satisfaction survey says they don't trust management. - Don't worry. I'll find out who feels that way and fire them during the next retrenchment. - Purr? Who said purr?
051002 -- Ted, you've been saying negative things about the company in your personal blog. We have to fire you. - I have freedom of speech. It's my constitutional right to say whatever I want. - If you fire me for my opinions, you'll be spitting on the
051002 -- graves of your founding fathers. - I'll get the best lawyer that money can buy, and fight you all the way to the Supreme Court! - The only way you can legally fire me is if my work isn't good. - Ooh. I probably said too much here. - Your work
051002 -- isn't good. Here's your final paycheck. . Stupid founding fathers.
051003 -- I need five minutes on the pointy-haired boss's calendar. No can do. - If I give you an appointment, I'll just have to cancel it later when something more important comes up. - What's he doing now? Combing his knuckles.
051004 -- Carol, why don't I have any meetings today? - Your meetings create work for me, so I canceled them. - Maybe I could drop in on some people. Harpoon.
051005 -- It's a harpoon. I see a lot of this. - It's caused by a combination of doughnut-eating and agitating a secretary. - Can you remove it? Yes, but it will just come back at annual review time.
051006 -- I hired Mr. Dogbert to write the F.A.Q. for our web site. - The key is to anticipate our customers' most likely questions. - Question 1: Where does your CEO live? I need to know so I can throw your cruddy product through his biggest window.
051007 -- Dogbert Writes A F.A.Q. For The Company Web Site Question 8: Why won't my file open when I'm eating toast? - Answer 8: That is the stupidest question ever! Do not have children! - I sure hope someone asks this question.
051008 -- Hi. I'm calling to check the references of your ex-employee named Ted. - We have a company policy against giving references, but I'd be happy to discuss the weather with you. Okay. - The clouds are moving lazily across the sky, and everyone
051008 -- thinks they're stupid.
051009 -- And these are our company values. Bias for Action Passion for Results - Please don't ask any questions. Question! - Do the results have to be good ones? - Um...yes. - I'm not sure. I think it would say that. - Since action and results are both
051009 -- important, is it okay to have bad results so long as it takes twice as much action? - JUST DO EVERYTHING SOON AN PERFECTLY!!! - Is it my imagination or is hell all over the map on this? IO forget what we were talking about.
051010 -- Tina, I want you to write our annual report. - How should I explain our poor results? Just give it a positive spin. - If you have to ask why our stock keeps plummeting, you can't afford us.
051011 -- Tina Writes The Annual Report All trends are positive. - Foonote 5: unless you consider our crushing debt, moronic management, and aging product line. - What font is this? It's so tiny. Enron Beelzebub.
051012 -- Carol, you're the worst secretary ever. I have to let you go. - You can't fire me until you fill out the involuntary termination form 904-B. - Can you get me one of those? Yeah, I'll get right on that.
051013 -- I took the liberty of calculating how rich you'd have to be... - before I'd be willing to date you. The number is four trillion dollars. - You're happily married. That's all factored in.
051014 -- Our total sales to Elbonia are one package of software. - That can only mean they're engaged in massive software piracy. - When I toss the tiny Frisbee (tm), you leap in the air and catch it in your mouth. You first.
051015 -- I'd like to return this Frisbee(tm). It doesn't fly right. - This is a software CD. Only a total idiot would think it was a Frisbee (tm). - In my defense, the user's manual was poorly written. Plus you're a total idiot.
051016 -- Sale I'll take that chair. Excellent choice. - Now sit there quietly and try not to ask the one question that will kill this sale. - Is the chair in stock? GAAA!!! - The truth is that we don't sell chairs at all. We sell the hope that a chair
051016 -- will someday be made for you. - How long will that take? - If I could answer that question, it would be the same as selling you an actual chair. - How about if I tell you it will ship in two months, and you call and yell at me every three
051016 -- months for eternity? - Did you buy a chair? There's no way to know.
051017 -- Our shareholders are suing us for misleading them about our financial problems. - Since when is it illegal to shaft innocent people for personal gain? - Don't put that in the minutes. I'll see what I can do.
051018 -- Company Lawyer The court ordered us to turn over all of our E-Mail records. - Gosh. I sure hope they don't get deleted during regularly scheduled system maintenance. - Oh no. That would be bad! Wink! Wink! Good grief, man! How can you be
051018 -- flirting at a time like this?
051019 -- I need you to delete all of our incriminating E-Mails before the court sees them. - That plan is no good because I'd be a witness to the crime...unless you had me killed. - Phase two is none of your concern. It has a phase???
051020 -- I'm afraid that my boss will try to kill me because I know about his malfeasance. - I recommend that you ask to meet him alone at an abandoned warehouse. - It was a mistake to name you the beneficiary  on my life insurance policy. Remember to
051020 -- insult his goons.
051021 -- Bob, my boss might be planning to kill me. Would you be my bodyguard? - I can't because I'm all busy eating a carrot stick. - How about after you finish it? You mean nap time? Be serious!
051022 -- The trouble with hiring a hit man is that you have to have him killed to cover your tracks. - Then you need a hit man to hit the guy who killed the hit man. It's an endless cycle! - But ultimately, it's all free, right?
051023 -- Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources I have new guidelines on who can fly on the same plane. - We can't risk losing too many key employees. - The CEO and the president are not allowed to be on the same flight. - Not more than three vice
051023 -- presidents may be on the same flight. - What are the guidelines for interns? - Infinite interns are allowed on the same flight. You are also allowed to run with scissors and put plastic bags over your heads. - - How many interns are allowed per
051023 -- plastic bag?
051024 -- You know what two things are very similar? - Unpaid overtime and death. They both deny me the pleasures of being alive. - How about a good night kiss? Hey, you found a third thing!
051025 -- I am the specter of unpaid overtime. - I will guide you to the shadowy region that is neither life nor death. It is existence without meaning. - Where is this awful place? Right here. And if any sticky notes fall on the floor, I'll rake them
051025 -- up.
051026 -- Someday I hope to get into the grim reaping field. - I don't mind working these unpaid overtime cases, but just once I'd like to see one of you guys die. - Hey, I just realized that my rake is very blunt.
051027 -- Management is pleased to announce that is has a plan to make your pension fund solvent. - In unrelated news, the guidelines for workplace safety have been relaxed. - Our CEO reminds you that smoking is cool.
051028 -- Then I was visited by the specter of unpaid overtime. He hit me with his rake because he's trying to become a grim reaper. hee hee!! - I just realized that I only enjoy your stories when they involve you getting hit by a rake. - That only
051028 -- happened once. I plan to tell the gardener that you insulted his wife.
051029 -- Research has shown that happiness is not related to one's absolute level of wealth. - What matters is one's relative wealth compared to other people. - So, if I do a good job, could you cut this guy's pay?
051030 -- Tex, I'd like you to meet Asok, our intern. - Asok? What kind of name is that? Are you a taxi driver? Um...no. - I've produced bigger things than you by eating fiber! - Do they have schools where you came? - Actually, Asok graduated from the
051030 -- Indian Institute of Technology. So if I were you, I wouldn't make him angry. - Why? What's he gonna do? Gnaw on my ankle? Explode! Explode! - BOOM! - They taught you some good stuff. Nah. You can't even get in unless you can do that.
051031 -- How does my project fit into our company's overall strategy? - Beats me. I didn't even know we had a strategy. - Never ask a question if you don't want to hear the answer. That's why I never say "how are you?"
051101 -- Everyone meet our new team member, Flashy. - GAAA!!! SUDDENLY SO HOT!!! BURNING!!! - Flashy will be in the cubicle by the thermostat. c-c-c-cold!
051102 -- Flashy, do you mind if I turn up the thermostat a few degrees? Yes. It's boiling in here. - Would you mind if we built a device that would redirect the radiant heat from your body? Okay, fine. - I should have asked more questions.
051103 -- I see that you have lots of experience as a boss's pet. - Show me the face you'll use when you bully my staff behind my back. Okay. - grrr... Nice use of forehead wrinkles. You're hired.
051104 -- Don't worry that I might give all of the good projects to my pet employee. - Petricia, I'd like you to evaluate cutting-edge technologies in Hawaii. - Now, who's left to wax my back?
051105 -- For a boss's pet, you're nice. I see no reason to be unkind. - Buwhahaha! We're alone now, nerdling! Do my bidding or I will eat you alive!!! - They always forget to factor in your head size.
051106 -- GAAA!!! I'M CHANGING!!! - Suddenly I see you not as a quirky coworker, but as a colossal waste