pg01-1 -- At last. My gravity neutralizer is complete. I will be the envy of the entire engineering department. - EEEE! - Raise your paw if you could see that coming.
pg01-2 -- No! I told you -- dogs can't drink coffee. It's too much for your little system. - Last time you drank coffee I was picking fur out of the ceiling for a week. Okay, okay. Just some decaf. - With lick, this will trigger a flashback.
pg02-1 -- What the heck is "JEQUIRITY"? - You know - the poisonous, red and black seed of the Indian licorice plant. Want to challenge? - No. At least this has vowels. That's 7,045 for me and 65 for you.
pg02-2 -- To his horror, Dilbert discovers that his white socks all have holes. "My goodness!" he cries, "I shall be forced to wear black socks to work!" - "If only my pants reached the top of my shoes, then the other engineers might not notice.",
pg02-2 -- Dilbert despaired. What are you writing? - It's a geek tragedy.
pg03-1 -- So, Dilbert, I understand this is the prototype you have been working on for the last six months. Yes, Sir. - This little baby can convert worthless pocket lint into a valuable parsley substitute! - Well ,this looks absolutely brilliant,
pg03-1 -- and completely unmarketable. Thank you Sir. I'm technology driven.
pg03-2 -- Did you ever get to thinking that maybe you are just an android, placed on Earth by an advanced civilization of huge radish-like aliens who are studying your every move? - No - Me neither.
pg04-1 -- Welcome to Electrode Hut. I'm half your age and I know more about electronics than you ever will. May I help you? - Yes. I would like a half dozen niad pulse converters and an anza brush. - (I'm bluffing) This guy is *good*. Back to mowing
pg04-1 -- lawns, junior.
pg04-2 ** Please read these brochures carefully. It could save your life. What the heck is "Electronics Anonymous"? - Let's take the enclose quiz. Number one. How many functions do you have on your toaster? Does that include the toaster disk drive
pg04-2 ** and **** ? - I think we can directly move to the "Emergency Application Form."
pg05-1 -- - POW! - Regrettably, you violated my air space.
pg05-2 -- You're kidding. - It's true. Nature compensates for weaknesses. That's why blind people have good hearing. - I guess that's also why dumb people have big mouths.
pg06-1 -- Hmm... This looks interesting. - "Build your own Star Wars missile defense system from common household appliances. Send $25 for complete plans." - Sounds great... Uh, here's the catch, "Guaranteed to be as effective as the real thing."
pg06-2 -- Low's Drugs And what can I get for you little fellow? - I want it all! Ha Ha Ha! Give me mouthwash, Gum, deodorant, lipstick, crazy glue. Yes; Yes, and some Rolaids, and - I panicked.
pg07-1 -- I'm looking for a fine wool suit, in the $700 range. Something fashionable yet timeless. - Try this It's a $35 polyester beauty. You can use it for dining out or swimming. It's half your size. Gee, and ballbottoms too! - Sure, there's risk
pg07-1 -- in being a fashion pioneer, but I guess I was just born for the spotlight.
pg07-2 -- FONG'S No Pets! Remember to act human. - Egg rolls, hot and sour soup, curry chicken, and steamed rice. And a cat. - That's "catsup", my friend would like some *catsup*. Maybe something Siamese...
pg08-1 -- Hey! Dilbert! Look at this. I discovered a hat that makes you talk funny. Try it! - Now say something. Okay, okay. - Ah feel like the North end of a Southbond prairie dawg. See? Gibberish.
pg08-2 -- Whoa! Looks like we got a Pippin Hawk, a Prickly Beak Mountain Swatow, and a Yellow-tail quail. There's that robin again. - How is that you have spotted 1,300 exotic birds this morning and all I have seen is one robin? - Look! A
pg08-2 -- Monkey-faced Disco Hawk!! Where?!
pg09-1 -- Okay, I have one. A man has a goatee and a beret. Does he also like ice cream? Yes, if he smokes a pipe. - A man has light brown curly hair, wire-rimmed glasses, neat mustache and a nice sweater. Is he gay? Yes, or a law student. - Okay. A
pg09-1 -- man has four pocket-protectors and one clip-on necktie. Is he paralyzed by attention to detail? What kind of pocket-protectors are they?
pg09-2 -- I don't understand how you can become a certified Swemi by mail in three weeks. Oh, I'm just a trainee. - In the beginning you just keep it general. That way you build the confidence of your clientele. Let us begin. - Eventually, you will
pg09-2 -- die...
pg10-1 -- Ah-hah! Just as I suspected. - Here it is! Mathematical proof that attractive women exist only in aerobics classes and whit Volkswagen Rabbits! How do you explain Vianna White? - I wonder if Isaac Newton had a dog. Or a girlfriend.
pg10-2 -- What do you think of this new Soviet policy of "openness"? - Actually, I'm not even sure that Gorbachev exists. - Guess I'm just kinda "Glasnostic."
pg11-1 -- I've decided that I need to make some dog friends. But I don't even know what regular dogs do when they get together. - Well, I suppose they would bark like idiots, run around in circles, then sniff each other's butts. - You're kidding,
pg11-1 -- right? Did I mention chewing on old bones?
pg11-2 -- Do you think I look more like Rin Tin Tin or Lassie? Maybe Benji? - I dunno. Maybe a big furry egg. - Thank you for that little inspirational boost.
pg12-1 -- You're in luck, Dogbert. We're going skiing! But I hate snow. - C'mon! Stop being a gloomy Gus. You're gonna love it It's great exercise and the view is spectacular! - Spectacular view. If you move around you won't turn into a furry chunk
pg12-1 -- of ice.
pg12-2 -- There. It's perfect. - What's that you've been working on? It's a stick-on Velcro shirt pocket. You can attach it to your chest hairs while swimming or showering. - Hmm...This just might work. 'course you may also be interested in my new
pg12-2 -- Velcro chest hair.
pg13-1 -- It's my first cake. Go on, give it a taste. Yum. - Mmm, great cake. But shouldn't this have some frosting? Oh no! Frosting is bad for you. A great cake should *not* have frosting! - Gee, I never knew that frosting was bad for me. That's
pg13-1 -- why I licked it all off.
pg13-2 -- Then after my hernia operation my allergies just made the arthritis that much worse. But this trick knee... I was coughing so hard that I thought my ulcer was gonna send me straight back to the emergency room... - HEART ATTACK - I win.
pg14-1 -- And, like snowflakes, no two are exactly alike. I saw two snowflakes that were exactly alike. - - Uh...that's not the point. I didn't bring it up.
pg14-2 -- Sometimes I think that the great unused portion of the brain holds strange powers, waiting to be discovered. - It's almost as if I can make this ball levitate off the ground with pure mind power. Let's see. MMMMMMM - Dang. Nothing. WUMP!
pg15-1 -- - 9-7-6-P-U-D-L * click Hello! zees ees Fifi. Zank you for calling Dial-a-poodle... - ssssssssss
pg15-2 -- TWELVE THOUSAND DOLLARS?!! This is impossible. My phone bill can't be twelve thousand dollars. Dogbert! - By any chance, would you know anything about these six thousand calls to Dial-a-poodle? - ...but with the chicken bone stuck in my
pg15-2 -- throat, each time I tried to dial 911 for help, my little paw went into spasm and... And this went on for two weeks?
pg16-1 -- This is ridiculous. You can't just create your own religion. - I got it all figured out. First I make a list of all the things people like. Then I tell them they can't do anything on the list. Then they give me money. - Well, that is the
pg16-1 -- most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. You're really hurting your chances for Apostle.
pg16-2 -- Okay, let's assume you go ahead with your crazy idea to start a religion. How are you going to recruit disciples? - I took out an ad in the paper. I'm asking for people who are willing to give up all of their worldly goods and dedicate
pg16-2 ** their lives to a little dog with glasses. Well, that should be the end of this silly fantasy. - And when you get over the embarrassment I hope you learn your lesson; that humans are not the simple, gullible creatures you thought they were! knock knock knock
pg16-2 ** rrrring Would you like to answer the phone? I'll see who's at the door.
pg17-1 -- Welcome, my children, to the first-ever congregation of the Church of the Dog. Hey, what do we believe in anyway? - Believe? ... Uh, well, we got a supreme being I think, and a list of things we feel bad about doing.....and, uh... But who
pg17-1 -- do we hate? - Hate? Uh, well, how about car salesmen? I'm in. Get my checkbook.
pg17-2 -- Master Dogbert, I have studied the Holy Book of Dog as you ordered, but I still don't understand. - How can I help you my son? This seems to be a plain old dictionary. - Granted, some interpretation will be necessary. I figured that out at
pg17-2 -- "M".
pg18-1 -- U.S. Mail Excuse me. - I noticed that your letter has insufficient postage. In exchange for your immortal soul I can ensure that it gets through without a hitch. Slow day.
pg18-2 -- I am the Prince of Darkness, Lucifer, Mephistopheles!! Worship me you insignificant mortal! Got any I.D.? - rrrr.... - It's blank. Can't be photographed. Get it?
pg19-1 -- For some reason I always thought you would be, uh..., I guess, more... Impressive? - Actually, this Satan job used to be a lot more important. - But now, most of the world's evil has been franchised out on a percentage basis. That explains
pg19-1 -- Chicken McNuggets.
pg19-2 -- Satan, I'd like you to meet my little sidekick, Dogbert. Charmed. - Relax Dogbert. I've been treated worse at the corner bank. Oh, *THAT* makes me feel better. -Eventually, Dogbert did relax, as he, Dilbert, and Stan talked well into the
pg19-2 -- night. Well what about "New Coke"? That must have been one of yours. Ha, Ha...No. That was just luck.
pg20-1 -- Well, I had a great time talking to you, but I gotta go. Where is your nearest portal to hell? My what? - What makes you think this house has one of those "Portals to Hell"? Every house has one! Usually two. Ah...here's one. - Erg! Umph!
pg20-1 -- Well now, this is one good argument against getting a large screen projection unit.
pg20-2 -- Hey, look, what Satan forgot when he left through the T.V.! - Foosh! - Be careful. You could put somebody's eye out with that thing. Right.
pg21-1 -- Gosh. According to this survey, a single woman over the age of 35 has the same odds of getting married as being killed by terrorists. - Of the women over 35 who do eventually get married, how many marry terrorists? - One in four.
pg21-2 -- Well, here it is: my first ever issue of Generic News. I can sell millions of these babies! - Let's see, Pope denounces war...Iran attacks Iraq...Iraq attacks Iran...Economic indicators mixed...Survey results show that people want more
pg21-2 -- money... - I think you're on to something here. How much is it? A thousand dollars. You only need one.
pg22-1 -- What do you mean you built a robot dog?!! You can't replace me!! Calm down, Dogbert. - Awf AAAGHH!! The devil dog! Help! Help! - I was created to serve your every need, Master Dogbert. Okay, he can stay. But you owe me one.
pg22-2 -- Ta-dah! My artificial intelligence program is complete. Now for a test run... - Good work is more important than good looks... - Hmm... Must have transposed a digit here somewhere. click click click
pg23-1 -- Are you going to eat Chinese food with that pushy guy again? Ralph isn't pushy - he's assertive. Ding dong - Yo Dilbo! What took ya so long? Hey, would you mind watering your lawn and shaving the dog before we go? Uh, okay... - He's tough,
pg23-1 -- but he's fair. Mind if I change the furniture?
pg23-2 -- Smoking or non-smoking? Non-smoking! And non-baby, non-wimp, non-idiot, and non-Republican. - Gosh Ralph, I really admire the way you get exactly what you want. - It's easy, really. The secret is realizing that people enjoy being told what
pg23-2 -- to do. People hate wimps. - We'll have the lobster. Then I would like you to go outside and wax my car. And have these other customers removed. Very good, Sir! Thank you! Thank you!
pg24-1 -- - Greetings Earth dog. We have traveled four beldines to find out why Earth pets are forced to eat from dirty little bowls, white Earth humans use fine chins. - Well, basically, it's political. It all began after the unsuccessful poodle
pg24-1 -- rebellion in France around 1723... Better use pencil...
pg24-2 -- Oh, please, please, please... - Yay! It is here! - The quality of life certainly has improved since I signed up for the Toast of the Month Club.
pg25-1 -- Making soup? No. Studying astronomy. - Smells like soup. No, astronomy. - Buoillons and bouillions...
pg25-2 -- Look Dilbert, if you want to meet women you have to take positive action. - Like what? Look in the Yellow Pages under "Desperate"? - It says, "See listing under Pathetic Nerd." Try looking under "Floozy."
sh006a -- Dogbert, see who's at the door. DING DONG - Hi. I'm from the "Big Ball Wrecking Company." I have a work order to destroy this house. - Looks like you have the wrong address. This is Walnut *Avenue*. Walnut *Street* is clear across town. - Oh
sh006a -- Phlegm! I don't have time to drive way over there. - Would it be a bother if I just leveled this house instead. - That would be a tad inconvenient. Try the Johnsons, next door. - What was that loud noise? Apparently the Johnsons aren't home.
sh007a -- You've been watching this video tape over and over for days. - These Tennis instruction tapes are great. I can just feel my game improving as I watch. - In fact, I see no need to physically play the game ever again.
sh007b -- Maybe I should write a book. - Nah... Maybe I should just read a book. - Maybe I'll just read the TV guide... Maybe I'll just watch whatever's on and turn into pudding...
sh007c -- Sometimes I feel like a kid in an adult's body, hoping nobody notices. - It's as if I stopped maturing and just started faking it after age fourteen. - I'll bet women never feel that way. Cooties
sh008a -- Hold it right here, Fella! - Uh-oh...you must have seen me eat that grape in aisle "B". I just want to make sure you pay for it. - Looks like 192 pounds. What where you before you came in? Happy.
sh008b -- It's just man against fish out here, my friend. - Although it's a bit of a mismatch, with my superior brain, equipment and strength. - Boy, all that and he can water-ski, too.
sh008c -- Scientists have discovered the gene that makes some people love golf. - How can they tell it's the golf gene? - It's plaid and it lies. I probably shouldn't rely on you for my science updates.
sh009a -- They were rude to me on the bank again, Dogbert - I've had enough... Sic 'em, boy!! - 6 month CDs 3% OPEN - Hi. I'm David Packard; billionaire founder of Hewlett-Packard. - I'd like to put all of my money into one of your non-interest bearing
sh009a -- accounts. - You're not David Packard. You're just a dreadful little dog with glasses. - Then again...I've never seen a picture of David Packard... I'd better open the account. - Very good. Now give me fifty push-ups or I'll take my business
sh009a -- elsewhere.
sh010a -- WHAP!! Why is it okay to kill flies but not okay to kill dolphins? - Is the poor fly any less deserving of our respect and protection? - Hold still...there's a dolphin on your forehead. I've added the A.S.P.C.A. to our speed dialer.
sh010b -- Helen just canceled our date. What excuse this time? - Apparently she discovered tiny frozen cavemen in her ice cube trays and she's trying to revive them for science. - Are you the least bit suspicious of that story? Yeah... How do I know they
sh010b -- aren't just actors pretending to be cavemen?
sh010c -- Tonight Siskel and Ebert review Dilbert's life. - ...boring and stupid... look out, gene; I'm gonna have to spit to get the taste out of my mouth... - I hate when they do these theme shows. Oops. Sorry, gene. click
sh011a -- And another of life's mysteries is, why do they call it the "Great Wall of China"? - It never really kept any invading armies out...kind of dismal flop from an engineering perspective. - I don't think "The Dismal Flop of China" would have the
sh011a -- same tourist appeal. I wouldn't pay to see it.
sh011b -- My terrarium experiment is a failure. - By now it should have started its own self-contained weather patterns. - After all this waiting, it's just so... so... Anti-climatic?
sh011c -- Isn't it stupid that the world economy is based on gold? - Yeah...no matter how advanced civilization gets, we still use rocks for money. - The dumb part is using a rock that's so hard to find.
sh012a -- Hi, Dilbert. Hi, Frank. - My name is Eddy, not Frank. - Oh...right. Sorry, Eddy. This is so embarrassing. - Forgetting somebody's name is the worst insult in the world. - Now my self-esteem has been damaged. My job performance will drop
sh012a -- accordingly, and I'll be fired. - The stress is starting to affect my immune system. I'm getting a cold. I'm Dogbert. Nice to meet you, Frank.
sh013a -- I'm writing a poem for a woman I just met. Women love poems. - Your Legs How wonderful your legs are, You can even ask my mutt, - 'Cause if you didn't have 'em, the ground would hit your butt.
sh013b -- Yo, Dilbert, give me your lunch money or I'll erase your data diskettes. - Touch my data and I'll erase any mention of you from the main payroll computer. No...please, I'm sorry. - Nothing is more pathetic than an aging school bully. I
sh013b -- took shop; I can make you some nice bookends.
sh013c -- I've decided it's time to stop talking about world hunger and start *doing* something! - Let others debate policies. My time is to act now. - You're going to buy a smarmy bumper sticker, aren't you? Darn straight.
sh014a -- I wish this guy wouldn't try to be polite and hold the door. - I'm at that awkward distance where I should lunge forward so he doesn't have to hold the door too long. Oh, thank you. - Great. Now I'm late. I lunged as fast as I could. Sorry.
sh014b -- Hey, how are you, What's happenin'? - Good to see you. I'm fine. Great, great. Take care. - I guess there was no real need for me to participate in that.
sh014c -- All of us cosmopolitan guys use credit cards to pay for dinner. - Uh-oh. I never know which part of the paperwork to keep. I know something gets ripped up... - ...and by the time I noticed the tablecloth was tangled up with the carbon
sh014c -- paper, I had ripped both of them to bits. And that's wrong?
sh015a -- AAACHOO! - Great. Now I've got your cold. Sniffle - I'll get some medicine from the store. - Hi, Dogbert. AACHOO - AACHOO! Sorry...Dilbert's cold. - ...and seven nations are paralyzed by what is being called "Dilbert's Cold." Gosh. I might
sh015a -- have that, too. sniff
sh016a -- I was mugged, but I got a good look at him. I'll get a police artist. - ...a big head, and kind of a frightened expression... - Perfect. Looks just like me. Now let's do the mugger. He was sort of off to the left here.
sh016b -- What's all the writing for? It's called "affirmations." - The theory is that if you write down your objective fifteen times a day, the objective will be achieved, no matter how unlikely. - But you've written "Dilbert will be eaten by a
sh016b -- garden slug." It's all I could think of.
sh016c -- Dogbert continues his reckless experiment with the powerful force of "affirmations." ...what if this actually works? - Can you really cause me to be eaten by a garden slug just by writing it down over and over? - What am I saying?
sh016c -- Logically, there's no way this could work. Don't get too far from salt.
sh017a -- Uh oh...double doors. One side is always locked and I make a fool of myself trying to open it. - Which side is it? Left? Right? People are watching. Think, think... - That's when I noticed that the ventilation ducts were big enough for a
sh017a -- human to crawl through. Too bad they didn't lead outside.
sh017b -- All mammals have hair. - Whales are mammals... Therefore, whales have hair. - Shave the whales.
sh017c -- Dilbert, let me introduce you to our new engineer. - I hate introductions. I always forget their names. Maybe I can use a word association memory trick. - Hi, I'm Dee Alamo. Darn...nothing.
sh018a -- Puff puff puf - How was your run? Great...I feel awful. - Pardon a simple dog for asking, but why do you run if it feels awful? - Well, If I do it every day, I'll live a longer life. - So, life will feel awful, but at least it will last a
sh018a -- long time. Unless I get hit by a truck...
sh019a -- Here's an interesting editorial... - This guy says we should increase the pay of congressmen to remove incentive for them to engage in illegal acts. - By that theory, criminals aren't bad, just underpaid.
sh019b -- Okay then, suppose you had everything you wanted. What would you do? - Gloat. Make everybody else feel like failures. Live a garish and decadent life. - And when that gets boring? Maybe start my own perfume company.
sh019c -- YIKES! What are you?! Do not panic. I am your ego. - My ego?? ...Shouldn't you be inside me someplace? Well, yes, normally we egos feed within the body. - So what the heck are you doing out here? You're starving me, man, I'm going to try
sh019c -- out for a play or something.
sh020a -- Well, if you're my ego, I order you to get back inside me. - You don't seem to understand who's in charge here. Without me, you're *nothing*! - I do feel a bit insecure... Now dance for me, *HA HA HA*, dance!
sh020b -- Maybe just one donut before bed. He takes the bait. - zing SPLOIT!! - Didn't I ask you to stop playing "wild kingdom" in the house? Now angered, the engineer turns to charge.
sh020c -- I've been considering acupuncture as a way to relieve stress. - The theory her is that sticking large needles into your body will help you relax? - It sounds silly when *you* say it. Sometines sarcasm helps us think more clearly.
sh021a -- Did I even tell you what dogs think about the universe? - We believe in infinite parallel universes, all slightly different. - For example, in our universe, Vincent van Gogh cut his ear off to demonstrate his love for a woman. - But, in a
sh021a -- parallel universe, van Gogh loses the ear in a tragic toenail clipping accident... - ...Vinnie clips the nail, and it just goes flyin' up and rips his ear clean off. - In yet another universe, maybe he had a dog who talked his ear off.
sh021c -- This is why dogs rarely discuss their beliefs.
sh022a -- QUICK, QUICK! GIVE ME YOUR HAND!!! - AAACHOOO - Thanks...I always put a hand over my mouth when I sneeze.
sh022b -- I'm enjoying the new informal approach at the white house. - I just hope it doesn't embarrass us in the international community. - Doggone it, I told you to set up a meeting with *Gorby*! What's a Gorby?
sh022c -- I have a stupid question... There are no stupid questions. - That's ridiculous...if there are no stupid questions then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions? - Were you going to ask me
sh022c -- something? See... Now there's a stupid question.
sh023a -- What does a dog school have in common with the TV show "sixty minutes"? - They both have "hairy reasoners." Uh...right. - And people wonder why dogs sometimes turn on their owners...
sh023b -- Well...I would date you... - But frankly I think of you as a boring and unattractive blob of organic matter... - So let's just be friends.
sh023c -- Well, Dilbert, will our idea work from a technical perspective? - I wasn't listening... Now I'll have to babble about irrelevant technical things until they lose consciousness. - And in conclusion, never underestimate the power of
sh023c -- technology. zzz zzz zzz
sh024a -- Dilbert, the boss would like to talk to you. - You wanted me? Ah, Dilbert, come in. - I'm taking two weeks of vacation and I need competent leadership while I'm gone. - At last he's giving me an assignment with responsibility. - That's why
sh024a -- I got this talking sock monkey. Pull the string twice a day and do what he says.
sh025a -- Hmm...says there that Michael Jackson is considering even more plastic surgery. - That explains why he wanted to buy the remains of the "Elephant Man." - For spare parts? Well, it wasn't for the ivory.
sh025b -- Pardon me, Sir, but I couldn't help noticing these equations in your garbage. - I took the liberty of correcting a few quantum calculations. - Gosh. Why are you a garbage man? I think the question is "Why are *you* an engineer?"
sh025c -- I understand that you're the world's smartest garbage man. - I'm Dogbert, the world's smartest dog; according to me, anyway. - I just wondered why you choose to be a garbage man. I think it was the glamour which first intrigued me.
sh026a -- Do you ever feel like doing something really strange? - Sometimes I get the urge to break into the post office at night and lick all the stamps. - Well...that's not *too* strange. Then I would see how long I can stick to the wall by my tongue.
sh026b -- Sometimes I feel like I'm just an actor on the cosmic stage of life. - Maybe I'm Dustin Hoffman in a doggie costume. - I better find a mirror and check my fur for a zipper.
sh026c -- God spoke to me today. He appointed me ruler of all creatures on earth. - God did *not* speak to you. - It was worth a shot.
sh027a -- Be honest, Dogbert, Do you think I'm a gifted inventor... - ...or just a pathetic dweeb who contributes nothing to humanity? - Well...uh...I think... - In my mind, you are the "tube sock of inventors.! - Really? Gosh...thank you...wait, that's
sh027a -- good, right? Of course, it must be good. - Ambiguity succeeds where honesty dares not venture.
sh028a -- This is the new "Hot Line" phone to the Kremlin. My company won the bid to engineer the new model. - That's a fully functional prototype, so don't mess with it. - So, Gorby, I understand you've been finger-painting with your forehead...
sh028b -- Dogbert play a reckless prank with Dilbert's prototype "Hot-Line" to the Kremlin Hey, Gorby, did you hear this quote... - "Communism is the most painful path between capitalism and capitalism." - "Fire one"? Ha ha ha...what a kidder you are.
sh028c -- Some say it is man's ability to reason which separates him from mere animals. Yeah, but... - Surely you realize that in the animal kingdom there is no equivalent to "all-star wrestling." - Ooh-we're missing it right now. Stomp your foot twice
sh028c -- if you're following any of this at all.
sh029a -- YIKES!!! A SKUNK IN THE HOUSE!!! - Oh, don't worry; we skunks only spray when we're scared...I certainly wouldn't use my threatening power to force you to do my bidding. - Then why is your tail twitching?! I'm scared you might not offer me a
sh029a -- big bowl of strawberry ice cream.
sh029b -- Dilbert is threatened by an abusive skunk. That's right: A big bowl of ice cream could keep me from being afraid and reflexively spraying your living room. - This blackmail! My goodness, no. It's just that I can't control my fear response. -
sh029b -- Now I'm afraid that you won't sing the songs from "Cats" while I eat.
sh029c -- Dust. Where does it come from? How does it get under your bed? - Is it a natural phenomenon or a message to ancient astronauts? - Tomorrow on "Geraldo," "Dust: What's it all mean?" It means you're pretty much out of topics.
sh030a -- I bought a phone answering machine. Was the phone asking you questions you couldn't answer on your own? - The hard part is thinking of a greeting message. - "Hi. This is Dilbert. I'm not here right now." - "Well, technically I am here 'now'..."
sh030a -- - "But 'now' is a relative term, so use your best judgment in deciding whether I'm here." - Hmm...that was actually a creative little message. Demonstrating, once again, that subtle difference between creativity and complex stupidity.
sh031a -- That's right...cough-cough! ...I won't be in to work...cough-wheeze-cough... - Bad cold? Well, no, actually I have a bad headache... - But I don't know how to make a headache sound over the phone.
sh031b -- I got hit by a rented car. - Hertz? Not any more, but thanks for asking. - That's about all the sympathy I can muster for one day.
sh031c -- I'm afraid I'll never figure out how to make my invention work. You are too logical. Use the right side of your brain. - Hmm...Yes, I must call on my creative side... - Now it doesn't work *and* I want to cry.
sh032a -- My computer has determined the funniest words in the world... - They include chainsaw, weasel, prune and any reference to "Gilligan's Island." Now I can make my own jokes! - ...so then the skipper gets attacked by this prune-eating weasel
sh032a -- with a chainsaw... Heh-heh...
sh032b -- Dogbert, I can't sleep...do you know any folk-remedies? - I recommend spreading grape jelly on your torso and slapping your forehead against an overripe cantaloupe. - This must be how all folk remedies get started. Slap slap slap
sh032c -- Uh-oh...toll booth ahead. Turn down the radio...get exact change ready. - Good morning. - I wonder if it's normal to want the toll-taker to like me.
sh033a -- Santa! Merry Christmas, Dogbert! - I'm glad you're up... I'm having a little trouble with your Christmas list. - In your letter you say you want to be named supreme ruler of earth. Is that a problem? - frankly, my workshop is more oriented
sh033a -- toward small consumer goods... Can I have all elf? - Has G.I. Joe taken up ballet, or is this something I don't want to know about?
sh034a -- Free Hypnosis Lessons! Hmm... - There's probably some catch, but it's worth a look. - ...a wonderful class... I must tell my friends.
sh034b -- I'm thinking of getting a tattoo. - On my shoulder...something tasteful yet timeless. I don't want to regret it later. - Any suggestions? How about "Kick Me"?
sh034c -- Doing a little cleaning? Let me give you a hand... - Wait...I can't lend a hand; all I have are these little paws. - You'd make a good lawyer. Charming...I offer to help and he insults me.
sh035a -- Oh, sure, Dan Quayle may be Vice President of the United States... - ...but he still puts his pants on one leg at a time. - Oh, Lord, not this again...
sh035b -- I was rewarded today for perfect attendance at work. What do you get? - A day off with pay. - It's a miracle your species has survived this long.
sh035c -- Let me get this straight...you say that *bad* grammar can become *good* grammar over time? - Yes. If a bunch of intellectuals start using a word wrong, the it becomes proper in common usage. - Grammar would be a lot less confusing if we had
sh035c -- smarter intellectuals.
sh036a -- Put on your party hat, Dogbert. It's almost 1990. - Do you have any new year's resolutions? - A few... - I resolve to show no tolerance for those less fortunate... - Redefine morality to suit my short term objectives... - And conquer the
sh036a -- planet Earth and make all the inhabitants my slaves. - I don't think you've captured the spirit of this resolution thing. You're just jealous because I took all the good ones.
sh037a -- I'm grumpy today, so don't even try to talk to me. - And don't try to flatter me or give me chocolate cake to make me feel better. - And I guess I shouldn't scratch you behind the ears until you have little leg spasms. Right. None of that.
sh037b -- I'm starting to write an unauthorized biography about you. - It's kind of a "pet and tell" expose full of startling revelations. - Who would be startled by *my* life? - I think *you* will be.
sh037c -- Are you really going through with the unauthorized biography of me? Yes. - I'm up to the part where Jackie "O" and Liz Taylor fight a duel for your love. - Tragically, neither are aware that you're carrying Steve Garvey's baby! tap tap tap
sh038a -- Welcome to another meeting of the "Skeptic's Society." - Tonight we will use scientific methods to debunk Edna Griffin's claim that she can turn an audience into a flock of chickens. We'll need some volunteers... - Motion to adjourn...
sh038a -- Whoa, look at the time!
sh038b -- Good news: The "all-you-can-eat" salad bar joint just decided to stay open twenty-four hours a day! - We can get a table by the window and live there for the rest of our lives-for only $5.95 apiece! - How would we bathe? They have little
sh038b -- "moist towlettes."
sh038c -- Do you have something for a headache? - I'm pretty sure this will do the trick. - Thanks. I wonder if meant something to *get rid* of a headache. Nah...
sh039a -- Bob's Classy Clothes OPEN - ...And you're quite certain these will shrink to fit? You have my word as a retail salesman. - - You were taken. No, they shrink in the wash. - Will they fit now? Like a glove... - Like a glove with two fingers.
sh040a -- I've got to get out of this bad mood somehow. - I'll have to find somebody innocent to blame...and make him plead for my forgiveness. - Hi, Dogbert. Is that some kind of an insult?
sh040b -- I can feel the static electricity building... shuffle shuffle shuffle shuffle - shuffle shuffle - shuffle shuffle I most certainly will *not* call you "Thor, Dog of Thunder." Prepare to die.
sh040c -- Maybe since you're full of static electricity, you should say "It is useless to be a resistor." Hee-hee-hee. - ZAP!! - Nothing annoys the "Dog of Thunder" quite as much as nerd puns.
sh041a -- Let's go...it's time to renew your dog license. - Department of Dogs - I wonder what happens if I fail the written test?
sh041b -- I'm sorry, but it seems you've failed the written portion of the dog license test. Impossible! - For example, this question on "natural enemies": The correct answer is "Mailman." You wrote-in "Fax-Machine." - How'd it go? The "Department
sh041b -- of Dogs" does not keep up with emerging trends.
sh041c -- I think it's my fuel pump. Your what? - What I mean is I think it's my @#!#* fuel pump. - Well, why didn't you just #$@* say so? Sorry...I forgot where I was.
sh042a -- You know, many great men kept diaries. Not to mention the entire Kirk Cameron Fan Club. - Monday: Woke up. Went to work. Came home. Ate. Watched T.V. and went to bed. - Well, this was both therapeutic and satisfying. - Sometimes it's good
sh042a -- to bare your soul like that. - Who the heck is Kirk Cameron? Tuesday: See "Monday."
sh043a -- You what?!! I got a job a a substitute school teacher. - You aren't qualified to be a teacher. You're a dog. Little kids won't know the difference. - You do remind me a bit of my fourth grade teacher. Just a coincidence?
sh043b -- Can't I talk you out of becoming a substitute teacher? Don't worry. - I won't damage the little tykes. - Day one Good morning, children. I'm Mr. Dogbert. Are you flammable?
sh043c -- Day one as a substitute teacher Jennifer! Put that flame-thrower away right this minute! - Eugene! Release those hostages or I shall be forced to fling this chalk eraser at your head! - Is that a "stinger" missile launcher? Well, I hope
sh043c -- you brought enough for everybody! I did.
sh044a -- Okay, class...put your weapons away and open your TV guides. - Timmy, please read aloud the passage from "Falcon Crest" under the Friday listings. - There's got to be a better way to teach sex education.
sh044b -- How was your first day as a substitute school teacher? - Imagine feeling completely powerless...like a marble statue... - Gosh...that sounds pretty bad. Now imagine the biggest flock of pigeons you ever saw...
sh044c -- I think I'm losing my hair. - Don't be silly. You aren't losing your hair. - I'm not? Oh, good. How could you possibly lose these huge clumps...
sh045a -- KNOCK KNOCK - Hi. I'm from the "Organization for the protection of ugly people." - We are dedicated to eliminating the stereotype of ugly people as "smart" and "nice." - Okay, I'll make a donation. - Thanks, but this is a membership
sh045a -- drive... - I'm never going to answer the door again. Didn't he recognize you as his god?
sh046a -- ...and women have always played hard to get... - Dilbert and Eve Then how about a date next year? I'd love to, but I don't have a thing to wear.
sh046b -- Normally I'd give you six months to live. - But we're having a "50% off sale" today, so I'll give you a full year for the same price. - And you get an extra ten days if you pay cash!
sh046c -- ...and the doctor gave me just a year to live. - I'm sorry, little guy... I don't know how you'll manage without me. - Would it be too much trouble to paint the house before you go?
sh047a -- It seem s we had a mix-up with your test results. Then I'm not dying? - We doctors are amazingly smart, but occasionally we make a little error. - Well...I understand. By the way, your pap smear was normal.
sh047b -- By my calculations, we can make millions by combining a mortuary business and a garbage collection business. - Our customers souls simply leave the dearly departed by the curb for pick-up. - Maybe we could add Pizza delivery, too. - Let's
sh047b -- not a good idea too far.
sh047c -- I hate fancy hotels like this... - Am I expected to tip the maid when I leave? - I could ask that concierge guy... Can I trust a guy with a french-sounding job? ...and do I have to tip *him*?
sh048a -- Ha ha ha! My scheme to conquer Earth is right on track! - I've been approved for a Macys credit card! - I'll use this credit history to apply for Visa and Mastercard. - Soon I'll have credit cards from every bank in the world. - Then I'll
sh048a -- do a cash advance on every card, netting billions to form a worldwide lottery prize. - And everybody who supports me as supreme ruler of earth gets one free lottery ticket. You know, most dogs would be delighted just to get a nice
sh048a -- chew-toy.
sh049a -- I've decided to write down all the so-called "unwritten rules." - So far I have "don't phone after them P.M." and...uh... - That's it? How about "don't throw porcupines in a balloon store"?
sh049b -- While you were wasting your time at work I came up with a million dollar idea. - It's the "Madonna Sun Tan Lotion Applicator" for lonely guys!! - I'll take one. It looks like Barbie on a stick, but it's Madonna.
sh049c -- No, you may *not* borrow the car to go cruising. I think we should vote on it. - Heh-heh...Okay, but a tie means no change in the decision. - I'm glad he didn't demand a recount.
sh050a -- According to my research, dogs are exempt from human laws. - The great part is that I can commit any crime and my owner will be held fully responsible. - I'm hoping you won't take a selfish view on this.
sh050b -- Thanks for asking me out. Would you like to see my operating manual? - Operating manual? It's an aid to men. It covers everything from "buying flowers" to "opening doors." - Looks like you're due to have your jewelry rotated.
sh050c -- What's all the racket? I'm singing the "greens." - Is that like the "Blues"? - Same beat, just not so darned depressing. - Oooh...my car needs a tune up and I overslept ten minutes baaabee...
sh051a -- Sorry, I don't date guys from work. - I'll resign... Sorry, I don't date unemployed guys. - I...I'll get a new job...one you approve of. - Sorry, I don't date guys with your social security number. - So, it turns out her unlucky number has
sh051a -- nine digits in it... But she knows my social security number, so I think there's some interest in it...
sh052a -- Ugh...what time is it? ...where am I? ...Who am I? - Must be morning...is it a work day? Do I have a job?... Is it worth getting up for? - "Morning amnesia": Nature's way of keeping you from walking up screaming.
sh052b -- Dogbert, we can't stand hiding around the house anymore. - We dinosaurs ruled this planet once. Now we just hide in people's houses, pretending to be extinct. - Dawn, it's time for our comeback tour. I think some of Elvis' jumpsuits will fit.
sh052c -- We'll kick off the dinosaur comeback tour by singing "My Way." - Then we'll break the instruments, wade into the crowd and bite the head off somebody in the front row! - "Ozzy Osborne" already did that.
sh053a -- Ice cream - LOOK OUT! - Sorry. I've been really jumpy ever since the ice age caught me off guard.
sh053b -- Dogbert performs a scientific test of so-called "Women's intuition." I'm thinking of a number between one and ten. - 5.1362894...no, I'll say three. - Wrong! The answer is 5.1362894...I'm beginning to wonder if you're really a woman.
sh053c -- You've heard the *other* tire company imply that our child's safety depends on its product... - That's nothing. If you don't buy *our* tires your whole stinkin' extended family will croak!!! - And don't get too attached to the family dog,
sh053c -- either. HA HA HA HA HA!!
sh054a -- Be candid, Dilbert. We have a corporate philosophy that says we "don't shoot the messenger." Good. - Had you consulted with the engineering department, you never would have launched such an ill-conceived product. - It is doomed to fail. You will
sh054a -- all be humiliated and and probably fired. - CAN'T I JUST WIG HIM?!! No, Eileen, that's not our philosophy. - It turns out the corporate philosophy is a very flexible document. You're getting tar on the carpet.
sh055a -- Dogbert...napping again? - Don't you know that many famous people functioned with very little sleep...? There were Jackie Gleason, Ben Franklin, Napoleon... - I like to think I'm more attractive than any of those guys.
sh055b -- ...so to do our part for east-west relations... - I've decided to host a dog from the Soviet exchange program. WHAT? - Dogbert, I'd like you to meet Nikita... Nikita Dorgachev. Charmed.
sh055c -- Dogbert meets the Soviet-exchange program dog. He seems harmless. Greetings, comrade Dogbert. - I have come to learn capitalist system from dog's perspective. - ...and your god is Donald Trump? I don't think it's official yet.
sh056a -- You see, Dorgy, under our capitalist system anybody can become rich. How? - Inheritance and crime are the most popular methods. - Which is preferred method? It's best to have your parents do the crime and let you inherit it.
sh056b -- Dorgy, why are you dressed like a maid? Dogbert is teaching me capitalism. - Today I am lowly maid. But with hard work I will be promoted to job as major industrialist. Right? - Apparently there is flaw in the system. Yeah, but we blame it on
sh056b -- the Japanese.
sh056c -- The great thing about dogs is their loyalty. - I flushed all of your sweaters down the john, because it is fun. - Dogs are honest, too. And I'll do it again HA HA HA!
sh057a -- I read that dinosaurs evolved into the bird family. That's exactly correct, Dogbert. - But most people don't realize that there was a very difficult period when some dinosaurs started evolving into birds. - "Learning to fly was the hardest
sh057a -- part." - "And living in trees was a real nuisance." - Boy, that sounds tough. The tragic part is that we did it just for the "bonus miles."
sh058a -- Hello, is this the library reference desk? Yes. - What's the average running speed of the Tazmanian boola-boola dog? 8.3 miles per hour. - I can't believe she knew that. And you have something stuck in your teeth.
sh058b -- I've got a blind date with the lady who works at the library reference desk. What if she's ugly? - Looks aren't important. She sounded very smart over the phone, and I'm attracted to intelligent women. Oh...right. - Uh...should I talk, or will
sh058b -- you be reading my thoughts directly?
sh058c -- So, um...how do you like working at the library reference desk? - It's pretty good, now that I've memorized all the books. No more flipping through pages... - I'm feeling a bit inadequate at the moment. - Don't worry. I'll just think about
sh058c -- other things while you're talking.
sh059a -- Gosh, Brainella, I've never dated a woman as smart as you before... - Let's just start right in talking about all kinds of smart stuff. C'mon, give me your best shot. I'm not intimidated. - Not here. If your brain explodes, it'll ruin my
sh059a -- outfit.
sh059b -- Pssst! Dogbert. - I brought my date home for some coffee. Please don't make any comments about her...uh...looks. - Brainella, this is Dogbert. The queen of Light bulbs?
sh059c -- Doesn't "fast" mean not eating? - So how can you have "Fast Food"? - And how much would I have to eat before I starved to death?
sh060a -- I programmed the computer to predict what people will be like in 200 years. - What assumptions are you making? - It's based on trends in today's youth. - For example, we know that science skills are declining, more kids are overweight, and
sh060a -- selfishness is rising. - A.D. 2190 I heard that Bobby exploded. I wonder why that keeps happening. Who cares? More for us.
sh061a -- This is Uncle Phil before he died hang gliding. - Did he hit a tree? Let's just say he didn't read the hang glider manual very carefully. - I wonder if there's another reason it's called hang gliding. Nah...
sh061b -- I decided to recognize you for your performance. - So I named one of my pencils after you. - Gosh. Is that it right there? no. That's my good pencil.
sh061c -- This is so nice... Just a man and his mutt out for a walk. "Mutt"?! - I think of it more as a "canine and a clod" or a "dog and a dummy"... Maybe a pooch and a pinhead" or a "bowser and a blockhead." - I think that's enough. A "hound and a
sh061c -- honey."
sh062a -- Here's a picture of my uncle just before he was drafted. He was awarded eleven purple hearts. - He was wounded eleven times? Uncle William insisted that his friends call him "Will"... - OKAY, MEN, FIRE AT WILL!!
sh062b -- Hello? This is your bank. - We're having trouble meeting payroll... Could you come down and make some deposits right away? - Will you take a check? From *you*?
sh062c -- "Urgent memo to all employees:" Uh-oh. Looks important. - "If we are to remain competitive, you must proactively improve quality on all actionable items!" - Wow! That was inspiring. My heart is pounding. I'm all tingly... - I'd better take the
sh062c -- rest of the day off...
sh063a -- I like your dress. Women are flattery. - It reminds me of my favorite dish cloth. Uh-oh... wrong thing to say. - Of course, I'm not talking about an *ordinary* dish cloth. Dig, dig... - I'm talking about a truly fashionable dish cloth here...
sh063a -- In fact, if I dropped jello on my shoes I'd leave it there all day rather than use your dress to wipe it up. - Some women just don't know how to accept a compliment gracefully.
sh064a -- Look what I won, Dogbert! It's a trophy for perfect attendance! - Since *you*'ve never won a trophy, I thought you might get some vicarious joy by dusting and waxing *my* trophy every day. Here. - I hope that trophy doesn't go to my head.
sh064b -- Mister garbage man, what is life? Well, Dogbert... - Life is like old cantaloupe rinds wrapped in a faded newspaper and sprinkled with wet coffee grounds. - Life is garbage? Call me a romantic.
sh064c -- Sometimes I think gravity is only an illusion. - Maybe other great thinkers realized gravity is mental and were thus freed of its restrictions. - Which would explain why all the smart people have apparently been flung into space. It's time for
sh064c -- "Wheel of Fortune."
sh065a -- I can tell what my date is thinking by her body language. - Her body is telling me "let's cuddle by a fireplace..." - "I'll get some firewood," she says...
sh065b -- I really enjoy these quiet times we have. - Just delicious silence. No annoying noise. No inane chatter. - Apparently you don't  listen to you, either.
sh065c -- Yo! Dilbert and Dogbert! Oh no... Hi, Vernon. Yo. - The most boring person I know... Gotta get out of here but I'm too polite. Did I ever tell you about my favorite episode of "Kojak"? - Whoa! Vern, we gotta go before you turn our brains into
sh065c -- tapioca! There's always the direct method.
sh066a -- Yes? I'm demanding a new wage and benefits package. - I already give you everything you want... - And in return you give me disloyalty, verbal abuse and occasional legal problems. - Okay, it's a good job, but I'm putting in twenty-four hours a
sh066a -- day! - I think I deserve some sort of special recognition for my good work. - Employee of the month. I'm positively giddy. You edged out the toaster by two votes.
sh067a -- Riding elevators is so awkward. - Stare straight ahead...don't breathe...don't fidget...don't blink...arms hang like limp weights... - I think he's dead. Above all, act naturally.
sh067b -- It's amazing that dogs never seem to sweat. - That's because I sneak into your bedroom every morning and use your deodorant before you can wake up - Oh...well, it's amazing that dogs don't need to brush their teeth. That reminds me - our
sh067b -- tooth-brush is getting spongy.
sh067c -- Men don't whistle at me anymore. - I credit the women's movement for making men more sensitive to how whistling degrades women. - What's the climate like on your planet?
sh068a -- Dogbert, I have come for you. YOW! - Wait wait! Don't I get to challenge you to some contest to play for my life!!? - Okay...I throw this Frisbee - you try to catch it in your mouth. Did you have anything more degrading?
sh068b -- Dogbert tries to cheat death ...so, if you catch the Frisbee you can live. Wait! - I've never been much of an athlete...let's play "Scrabble" for my life instead. - How much time are you allowed for your turn? I'll see you in August, bone boy.
sh068c -- Let's go see the new Alfred Hitchcock movie. How could there be a "new" Hitchcock movie? It's some kind of a sequel. - ALFRED HITCHCOCK presents THE FISH
sh069a -- A home video? "Dogbert versus Godzilla." We'll use Bob the dinosaur as Godzilla and you can be Raymond Burr! - Shouldn't Godzilla get top billing? Quiet on the set!! Dogbert is letting me be the "key grip." Darn! All I got was the Raymond Burr
sh069a -- role. - In this first scene, Bob, you rip the arms off the "Ken" doll while Barbie and Skipper watch in horror. - Dilbert, you'll be eating a cheeseburger and the shock waves will cause you to smoosh it into your face. - Then I come in and
sh069a -- waste both of you with a fire extinguisher. Raymond Burr dies? What, no sequel?
sh070a -- Happy Airline I'm sorry, Sir, but you've been "bumped." WHAT?! - I've got a ticket! I demand satisfaction! I'll call the president of your stupid company!! - I wonder if there's really such a thing as the "duct tape section."
sh070b -- DING DONG Must be your blind date. I'll let her in. - How's she look? Well, you could say she's a full-bodied individual. - You mean she's a little overweight? I mean sherpas have established a base camp on her ankles.
sh070c -- You're saying my blind date is a tad on the large side...? - I'm saying her family portrait was taken by "Voyager II." Funny. - I'd better not keep her waiting at the door. Do not anger "Jabba the Date."
sh071a -- Dilbert greets his blind date This is the biggest woman I've ever seen. Uh...hi. - I have only one chance of financially surviving dinner. Hi - Say...why don't we go to the "All-You-Can-Eat House of Starch and Pasta"? Can't...banned for life.
sh071b -- I will *never* go on another blind date. - So, Jabba...er...I mean, Janety, have you dated many other men? - Yes, but they all disappeared without a trace. Incidentally, you look delicious tonight.
sh071c -- Y-y--ou m-m-mean *all* of your ex-boyfriends disappeared without a trace? - Yeah. It's the strangest thing... Good lord, she must have eaten them!! - ...so while she was sucking the cheese-cake off the dessert cart, I dove out the window.
sh072a -- Sometimes I dream of a kinder world... Trouble... - A world where all creatures live in peace and harmony... - Where nobody pursues retribution for some tiny little misdeed. Big trouble. - Where bygones are bygones...forgive and forget... -
sh072a -- STOP IT! STOP IT! PLEASE JUST TELL ME WHAT HORRIBLE THING YOU'VE DONE! - You know, studies have shown that people with pets live happier, less stressful lives. AAAAAEEE!!
sh073a -- Excuse me...Sir? - I'm trying to paint this view. Would you mind not walking right in front of me? - Oops. Sorry. It's already too late.
sh073b -- Remember, one of your duties as dog is to guard the house. - That might entail ripping intruders to bits with your teeth...or taking a bullet for me. - Boy, all that and I get to drink out of the toilet too.
sh073c -- I've got to make the engineering newsletter more interesting. - It needs pathos and human drama. - "How to cope with the loss of the loved data..." Wait...I better get some tissues.
sh074a -- When I was a kid I threw spitballs at girls to show I liked them. - Now I just grovel and beg for dates. - Frankly, the old way was more satisfying.
sh074b -- Burger Queen 99c Special Only 99c?!! Ha ha ha!! Give me ten thousand of them! For *here*!! -These lottery winners are really starting to bug me.
sh074c -- What I look for first in a man is honesty. - Okay...I'd like to skip this boring conversation and go smooch. - I didn't mean honesty about relevant things.
sh075a -- The secrets of the universe will be revealed if you meditate. - Can't you just tell me the secrets? - To meditate you must clear your mind of all thoughts. If I have no thoughts how will I know if I'm meditating? - And how do I come out of it?
sh075a -- I won't be able to think about stopping. - And shouldn't stupid people be the best mediators of all? - Perhaps you are not ready. Perhaps you should spend more time with some thoughts.
sh076a -- Did you hear that the tiny east European country of Elbonia has abandoned communism? Whoa! Big changes ahead. - Elbonia: Monday Mud Farm - Elbonia: Tuesday My Mud Farm My Tree My Pig My Feet
sh076b -- Dilbert, I'm sending you to Elbonia to open our new subsidiary. Elbonia? - But they only renounced communism last week!! They don't understand capitalism or economics. They have no appreciation of the real life. - ...he thinks they'll make fine
sh076b -- engineers.
sh076c -- Dilbert arrives at the ex-communist country of Elbonia. I need a flight to your capital. - For a moment I was worried that this backward little country wouldn't have a commuter flight. - I hate living near the airport.
sh077a -- Dilbert takes a slingshot ride to Elbonia's capital. There it is... - SPLUNK It's a good thing this whole country is made of mud. - I have come to teach you capitalism. Did you bring blue jeans?
sh077b -- How do we know you came to Elbonia just to teach us capitalism? - Yeah...maybe you came to steal our secret process for making mud!! Dirt and water? - He knows... We'll have to kill him.
sh077c -- The basic problem with your economy is that the only product you make is mud... So? - Nobody needs mud. Who the heck is in charge of planning this economy, anyway? -
sh078a -- Oh no, it's Helena. I had a bizarre dream about her last night. Hi, Dilbert. - I'm always afraid that somehow people know when they've been in my dream. Gee...seeing you reminds me of something...but I can't quite put my finger on it... -
sh078a -- Hmm...it was something bizarre. She knows. - Stop it! Stop it! I'm sorry I made you wear a cheerleading outfit and glue miniature horses to the couch!! - There - it's out. The pressure is lifted...I can live again... Oh no, I remember--I was
sh078a -- wondering why you've never been married. But now I understand.
sh079a -- The first thing you Elbonians must understand about capitalism is the incentive system. - If you're willing to work twelve hours a day, eventually the guy who owns your factory will get rich. - Am I missing something here? Then you guys get to
sh079a -- watch great TV shows based on the millionaire's life!
sh079b -- My trip to Elbonia was a complete success. - I opened our subsidiary, taught capitalism to the locals and showed them how to make computer chips out of sand. - Oh great...now they will become an industrial giant and compete against us. Don't
sh079b -- worry. I also taught them other management techniques.
sh079c -- What's wrong, Bob? I can't deny my feelings anymore. - Not the roof again! I have to tell people. - I CAN'T TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN TOM BROKAW AND PETER JENNINGS!!!
sh080a -- What's this business of you climbing on the roof and shouting when I'm at work? - Sorry. We dinosaurs have always been bad at concealing our feelings...in fact... - "Honesty caused the extinction of many early species." Don't let the spines
sh080a -- fool you; I'm great eating!
sh080b -- Are you saying dinosaurs are incapable of lying? Almost. - Dawn and I taught ourselves some simple lies for survival...we'll show you... - "I've never been tempted to eat the *National Enquirer*." "I only watch the news and some educational
sh080b -- programs."
sh080c -- Look, a lucky penny in the street... - SPLOOSH - A penny doesn't go as far as it used to.
sh081a -- I always get a warm, satisfied feeling right after paying my taxes. - Sure, it's a sacrifice... But my money goes to support vital public services. KNOCK KNOCK - We're the IRS mop-up crew. - We came to take your socks and shave sixty percent of
sh081a -- your dog. bzzzz - Remind me to adjust my withholdings for next year.
sh082a -- Loose thread. - I can't remember if it's better to cut these or just yank on them. - THOOP!
sh082b -- Dogbert, could you give me a hand? "Paw" - I pulled a loose thread on my shirt and my head got sucked into my torso. - What should we do? This might be a good time for a family portrait.
sh082c -- After tugging a loose thread on his shirt... Do something. Hmm...head got sucked into torso, huh? - I'll try flattery... Your head will expand and pop right out... - Later ...and you are superior to mollusks in every way but looks... I felt
sh082c -- something that time.
sh083a -- Every single tissue box has a female design. - Men have noses too. This is sexist. I can't support this practice. - Sandpaper? I had to make a statement.
sh083b -- About 400 women turned me down for dates this year. - I can only conclude one thing... - Not enough quality women. Sadly.
sh083c -- It's one of those days my brain feels lazy. - I'd better avoid any mental stimulation. - It's times like this I really appreciate knowing you. Thank you.
sh084a -- The great thing about adult males is that they've become immune to verbal abuse. Adult females may have something to do with it. - Hey, you grotesque pile of petrified cat spittle... Hi, Dogbert. - Is that your head, or has some kind of zucchini
sh084a -- sprouted from your torso? - Would you like to join me for some chocolate cake? - If brains were beans, you wouldn't have enough to make a bee burp. - Hey! We don't insult bees in this house!
sh085a -- ...So then I sez to my boss, "you can just stuff this stupid project..." - Then I sez, "let's see *you* do this job." And I sez, "I should get a raise." I gotta go. - The more they sez "Isez," the less likely it is they really said what they
sh085a -- sez they said.
sh085b -- Ahem... I think I'll call my stock broker... I'm an investor, you know. Ooh...I'm impressed. - What? No profits yet? I'll call back in an hour. - I wonder if this is a bad time to be in chocolate coins.
sh085c -- You dinosaurs have probably never seen a computer. - This makes me so efficient I can save hours every day. What do you do with all the spare time? - I work on the computer. Wow! Then you can save even more time!
sh086a -- You know, Bob, I always pictured you dinosaurs as...uh...much bigger. - Ah, well, you see, practical jokes were very popular in the mesozoic era... - Wroopee cushions in stock Ooh-ooh! Give me the giant plastic bone and one fake vomit! Shall I
sh086a -- wrap them or just toss them in the tar pits?
sh086b -- Tired of being teased because of thinning nose hair? - Get the "Rivco Nose Toupee" for only $9.95! - It's totally undetectable.
sh086c -- Here's a picture of uncle Tim before he got lost and froze to death camping. - Didn't he have a compass? His diary said it got jammed. - Just great... I need south and all I get is north, north, north.
sh087a -- My credit card has been cancelled. The stupid bank's computer thinks I died. - This is an opportunity for some righteous indignation. I love that. - Hello, credit card department, an underpaid employee speaking. - Well, yes, apparently you are
sh087a -- alive. But it would be very difficult to reprogram the computer... - I'm sure you'll find a solution. - Kill him? Unless you'd *rather* read this computer manual.
sh088a -- Uh-oh! I'm being sucked into my own computer program! - I've always feared this... - Hi, I'm Michael--Michael Chip. Cover charge is two bits. ...get it?
sh088b -- Dilbert gets sucked into his computer You...you're a microchip... I am. C'mon in and have some coffee. - Chips drink coffee? Gallons. It keeps us fast. - Doesn't that make you irritable with the other microchips? Not since I killed them all.
sh088c -- Let me show you around the inside of your computer. Neat! - Here's where we generate the hypnotic signals for your display screen. Why? - To make you think you need more computers. Good Lord, you've learned to reproduce!
sh089a -- A microchip gives Dilbert the tour inside his computer ...so you see, it's mostly a trick... - We've been sending you subliminal hypnotic suggestions through the video display for years. Like what? - Goofy stuff, like "computers are fun" and
sh089a -- "put all of your pens in your shirt pocket."
sh089b -- ...after you leave you will not remember being inside your computer talking to a microchip. - You will purchase worthless computer upgrades and argue that it saves money in the long run. - It's a static byte dwinkelizer...a necessity really.
sh089c -- Hear about the new guy? He's from *New York*. Gulp HERE HE COMES! - AAGH! AAAEEEE!! - Well, I suppose I could hunt them down and kill them one by one.
sh090a -- Hey dog! What's the quickest way to go to the hospital? - Drive as fast as you can into that tree. - What's the second quickest way? - Hmm...well, go left, then right, right, left, left, left, right, left, left, left, left. - Thanks! -
sh090a -- Actually, I have no idea how to get to the hospital... - But I didn't want him to think I'm a jerk.
sh091a -- in out Hey! Big guy, how are ya! - out HOW'S THE FAMILY? YOU LOOK GREAT... NICE WEATHER, HUH? - I hate outgoing mail. DO YOU FISH?
sh091b -- I've noticed that all the cool guys use gentle kidding with women. Women must like it - Excuse me, Miss, does your face hurt? It's killing me! Giggle Giggle Snort - The cool guys must hate it when this happens to them.
sh091c -- Apparently you ignored my advice and got no exercise. - But you're in perfect health, which really annoys me professionally. - I'm prescribing two packs of cigarettes per day...don't cross me again.
sh092a -- I read that half of all teenagers can't locate this country on a map. - One frustrated teacher handed out maps labeled "you are here." - She spent the rest of the year trying to explain why the "X" doesn't move when you drive around.
sh092b -- Dogbert, have you been bored lately? Yeah, why? - I found this teeny-tiny little sweater knitted out of dental floss. Oh. - This is very bizarre. I didn't use a pattern.
sh092c -- Dilbert presents BAD HABITS FROM A PARALLEL UNIVERSE! - Table for phleem? Yes. In the "no slapping yourself with a sea bass" section. - slap slap slap slap Great, one table away... Do you ever wonder about the first person to try that habit?
sh093a -- DILBERT SPECIAL! Bob the dinosaur will rip the underpants off guys we hate! Example rrrip! - Case#1 ...bought my first house for 74 cents. Sold it a year later for $400,000... - AAEEEE!! Now he drives a "beemer." - Case #2 It's a great movie.
sh093a -- You'll be surprised when you find out the parakeet is the murderer. - AAAEEE!! I love surprises! - Case #3 Wait here and I'll try to convince my boss to sell the car at your price. - AAAEEE!! He's on your side! - Finally... Only an idiot would
sh093a -- think computers are confusing.
sh094a -- I've decided to become an ambush reporter, like Mike Wallace. - Is it true you made all of your money unethically and you're having an affair? - YES!! YES!! HOW DID YOU FIND ME?! You were chosen randomly.
sh094b -- Dogbert the ambush reporter looks for another victim. - Is it true you have often fantasized about marrying a rich guy and ditching your career? - YES!!! YES!!! AND I...I...SECRETLY LEARNED TO *COOK*!! Is that *yarn* sticking out of your
sh094b -- briefcase?!!
sh094c -- I never realized that being an "ambush reporter" could be so much fun. - Is it true you used steroids to gain your massive size? - NO! I SWEAR! I JUST USE THIS LITTLE AM RADIO. I DON'T EVEN OWN A STEROID SYSTEM!
sh095a -- Just a moment, little girl. I'm Dogbert, the ambush reporter. - Is it true that you *pretend* to be cute in order to *manipulate* adults!! - sniff sniff Oh, hey, wait... I'm just kidding. Can I buy you something expensive?
sh095b -- Excuse me, young man. May I ask you some probing and embarrassing questions? - Is it true that you spend a great deal of time contemplating the effects of firecrackers on investigative reporters?!! - I'll bet this hasn't happened to Mike
sh095b -- Wallace even once.
sh095c -- I wonder if Dogbert is enjoying his sky diving lessons. CRASH WHUMP!! - Boy...no wonder they only charge six bucks.
sh096a -- How's it look, Doc? You came in just in tie. - I'm way behind in my alimony payments. I'll have to do some unnecessary surgery on you. - You have a fair number of redundant organs. - Two lungs...two kidneys...large *and* small intestines... -
sh096a -- And I'm sure you aren't taking full advantage of you pancreas. - I find that humor helps my patients relax.
sh097a -- ...So, would you like to meet after work and go to dinner? What kind of car do you drive? - Ugh! You women are all so shallow!! It should not make any difference what kind of car I drive!! - Except that it will help me find you in the parking
sh097a -- lot... But you could just stand on top of it and thump your mighty chest.
sh097b -- I can't believe she agreed to have dinner with me. - I'm afraid to say anything to spoil this moment... - I guess I should say something to break the ice. Did I mention that I'm a witch?
sh097c -- Thanks for asking me out. Most guys get scared when they find out I'm a practicing witch. - Then they say something I don't like and I end up turning them into lawn ornaments. - That's awful! Tell me about it...you can't believe how tacky my
sh097c -- lawn is now.
sh098a -- So...uh...why did you decide to take up witchcraft? It comes in handy. - For example, suppose I want to get rid of this annoying fly here. - Now be a luv...
sh098b -- You're back early. How was your date? - Not so good...she's a witch...turned me into a frog. - Oooh! When I think about it I just get so...so... Hopping mad?
sh098c -- Dogbert, I need you help. Check my computer to see if there is any way to reverse the spell and make me human! - Hmm... "The only way to reverse a 'Frog Spell' is a kiss from a dog or a princess..." - What'd it say?!! Gargle. You're gonna visit
sh098c -- Lady Di.
sh099a -- Plans for the corporate takeover are complete. What corporate takeover? - It's a hostile bid for control of the Meowco Cat Food Company. - When I become CEO, I'll order them to add a hairball to every can of cat food. heh heh - That is cruel
sh099a -- and senseless. I'm thoroughly ashamed of you. - Gee...it seems so much more efficient than hassling one cat at a time.
sh100a -- Hello...Buckingham Palace? I was wondering if the princess would be willing to kiss a frog and remove a witch's curse for us. - Oh...Lady Di does not kiss little hideous creatures... - That must be mighty awkward at family reunions...Hello?
sh100b -- Dilbert needs a kiss from a princess to remove the frog curse. It's hopeless... - There's one chance, but we'll need some props. - You seriously think this will fool Lady Di? I'd wait until she's had a few Margaritas
sh100c -- Note: Some new readers of this strip may be confused by the presence of a character who looks very much like a potato. The following comparison should clear things up: - Dilbert (turned into a frog and disguised as Price Charles). A potato - A
sh100c -- handy rule for the telling which one is a potato is the look for the presence of glasses. Although potatoes do have eyes, they are known to be vain and generally prefer contact lenses. Keep this reference guide with you.
sh101a -- By now Dilbert should have infiltrated Buckingham Palace. - One kiss from the princess and his "frog curse" will be lifted... I just hope his disguise works... - Charlie, why does your breath smell like flies? Uh...I had lunch with a common
sh101a -- person today...
sh101b -- I'm just a one-woman kind of guy. - Some guys like to play the field. Not me. I'm happy with just one woman. - Just one. Uno. That's best for me. You can take her for rides in the Space Shuttle you'll never have either.
sh101c -- Your new project will be *vital* to the performance of the company! Uh-oh - The more he talks it up the stupider the project must be. ...high visibility, a chance to excel and be noticed! - In fact, I stand to salute you for the job you will be
sh101c -- doing! You're what makes this country great!! Does this have anything to do with the janitors' strike?
sh102a -- Why do people collect stamps? Because they're valuable. - Why are they valuable? - Because people collect up all the good ones. - So, you collect stamps because they're valuable, and they're valuable because you collect them. Right. Sounds
sh102a -- pretty fulfilling. To be honest, I just do it for the adrenaline rush.
sh103a -- I'm going to form a personality cult to honor me. - I'll take everybody's money and make them wear bathrobes with my picture on the back. - Wouldn't it be cheaper to brand them and let them run naked? As a rule, we're not talking about
sh103a -- attractive people here.
sh103b -- I'm hoping you will accept me in the Dogbert cult. You do have a strong resume... - Looks like you've been fleeced by several spiritual leaders already. - I think that demonstrates a complete absence of independent thought. Can you chant?
sh103c -- We heard you're forming a cult. Can we join? Hmm... - Yeah... I could use some enforcers to help me conceal the hideous and cynical nature of my organization. You're in... - YES! WE MADE IT! Bob, should we ask about the hideous part?
sh104a -- Bob and Dawn join Dogbert's cult. You two are in charge of security. - Your job is to neutralize anybody who questions my motives. Actually, we have some questions of our own... - Or should we just neutralize ourselves? Make it look like an
sh104a -- accident.
sh104b -- Um...Dilbert, could we get your advice? - We just Dogbert's new cult. And he ordered us to kill each other for questioning him. - Hmm...maybe you could shove each other in front of trucks.
sh104c -- How did we ever allow ourselves to be drawn into Dogbert's evil cult? - Maybe he has strange hypnotic powers. Maybe we were mesmerized by his oratorical skill. - It says here you have brains the size of a walnut What's your point?
sh105a -- This is a very interesting employee question. Thank you, Sir. - If I read this correctly... - You observed that everybody is smarter than his boss... - Exactly... So we all just switch jobs with our bosses and boost productivity by 200%!! -
sh105a -- I've decided to do a limited trial... Something died in the stairwell. Take care of it.
sh106a -- I have a plan to deprogram you from the control of Dogbert's cult. - My theory is that the brain reflexively embraces the most ridiculous explanation of reality. - So, we just have to think of something more ridiculous than following a dog's
sh106a -- commands. Like listening to you?
sh106b -- Dogbert, we've come to resign from your cult. You can't push us around anymore. - Resign?!! Ha! You're unworthy! I kick you out. The cult doesn't need your type! - NOOO!!! TAKE US BACK!!! PLEASE!!! - I think this explains why dinosaurs don't
sh106b -- rule the earth.
sh106c -- I think you've taken your cult idea too far. Who says it's a cult? - *You* said it's a cult! That word has a bad connotation. - I prefer to think of it as a bunch of morons who have nothing better to do with their lives.
sh107a -- Today on "Geraldo" our entire show is about a dog who started his own cult! - Actually, Geraldo, I don't know what you're talking about. - I love live television.
sh107b -- I'm dissolving the cult. You two are free to do as you please. - WE'RE FREE! WE'RE FREE! - Boy...you don't know ugly 'til you've seen dinosaurs dance.
sh107c -- One more clever move and I will have written the perfect computer program. - YES! Spike it in the end zone! - Another failure of the sports metaphor.
sh108a -- I programmed my computer to analyze any situation and predict the female response. - I should clarify a few things. - I'll type in "watch sad movie." - Result: crying. - Now I'll try "receive flowers." Result: crying. - Let's try "date with
sh108a -- Dilbert." Result: crying. Boy, the truth gets vicious when you corner it.
sh109a -- FREEZE!!! I'M A DOG CATCHER! - What, no collar? You're going to the puppy penitentiary, pal! - Your human turned you in? He didn't think a pit bull should wear his hair this way.
sh109b -- No stupid dog pound can hold me for long. - Hey, Screq! Don't I get one phone call?! - Hello, is this the Big Ball Demolition Company? ...good, I have a rush job for you...
sh109c -- Don't worry, killer, I'll get us out of this pound by nightfall. How? - I used my one phone call to call a wrecking company to destroy this place. That sounds dangerous to me. - Coming up: A near-death experience or possibly just a stupid dream
sh109c -- sequence.
sh110a -- Uh-oh. That looks like my body on the ground. - I must be dead. And that light... It's beautiful... It must be *god*!! - Next: A really big let down. zzzzzz
sh110b -- Dogbert dreams of death I'm coming toward the light... - The light...it's so pure...so perfect...it could only be light of *god himself*!! - No. just new batteries. God does have a sense of humor? Of course! It explains everything.
sh110c -- I'm so embarrassed...I dreamed I died and saw the light of god... - I trust you will just let this incident pass without comment. - I COMMAND YOU TO BUILD AN ARK... grrrr...
sh111a -- Would you like to hold hands? We'd better not...my dog is around here someplace. - What's your dog got to do with everything? He's a bit prudish. He won't allow it in his house. - *His* house?! Ha ha ha! He's *your* dog! *You're* the master! -
sh111a -- Your dog is just a stupid hairball! And it must be a first-class wimp! Ha ha! - Ha ha ha! With my blessings.
sh112a -- This could be my most important technical achievement yet. I'll call it the "sonic obliterator." Hmm...catchy. - This baby can blast a buffalo into random particles in about half a nanosecond. - Of course, it might have limited application
sh112a -- around the house. At least the buffaloes will show us some respect.
sh112b -- May I play with your "Sonic Obliterator" invention? Sure. - Just be careful. It has a hair trigger and can blow a truck to bits. - You have to show them that you trust them. I'll be down at the post office truck yard.
sh112c -- On one hand, I know it's wrong to use Dilbert's invention to blow up these empty mail trucks. - On the other paw, this is gonna be more fun than sneezing on strangers. - It's a moral dilemma...but I like to think that difficult choices like
sh112c -- this build character. click
sh113a -- Our top story: a dog with glasses was seen blowing up empty mail trucks with some type of "sonic obliterator." - Much of the city is in ruins, as the dog blasted through buildings to escape police and national pursuit. - On the plus side, we
sh113a -- have a much better shortcut to the post office.
sh113b -- Just great...you've destroyed half of the city with my "sonic obliterator" invention... - You're being pursued by the police, FBI and national guard... I *trusted* you. Is there anything you'd like to say to me? - Oh, yeah, thank you very much
sh113b -- for letting me borrow the obliterator...it's been great...can I use it again tomorrow?
sh113c -- Looks like the police found your trail, Dogbert. You'd better hide. - We're looking for a dog who destroyed half of the city. Does this sketch look familiar? - Yeah...it's "Mister Potato Head"...or maybe "Ziggy." We gotta get a better artist.
sh114a -- We're so glad you guys could stop by. thanks for inviting us. We hardly know them. - I'd offer some coffee, but that would be a bother. Uh. None for me. Thanks. - I noticed you didn't bring any food as a courtesy to your hosts. I guess we'll eat
sh114a -- when you leave. - We usually watch television now, but I'll try not to appear bitter about your visit. - Why haven't we done this sooner? We thought you were scum?
sh115a -- Here's a "help wanted" ad for a babysitter. - I could do that. Kids love dinosaurs. One problem. - Your species is known to be carnivorous. I'll put "strict disciplinarian" on my resume.
sh115b -- Hi. I'm Bob. I called earlier about the babysitting job. - To be honest, we didn't know you were a dinosaur when you called... - That's okay. I didn't know you were yuppie bigots.
sh115c -- ...we should at least interview him. Nobody else even answered our ad for a babysitter. - Frankly, Bob, we're concerned that you might try to eat the children. - Well, of course, in that case there would be no charge for the evening. He's more
sh115c -- than fair.
sh116a -- Before we hire you as our babysitter, we want to test how a dinosaur like you would respond to a variety of emergency scenarios. - What if there's a fire? Dial 911. Burglary? Dial 911. Injury? Dial 911. Poisoning? Dial 911. - Giant asteroid
sh116a -- collides with earth and triggers an ice age? Oh, wow...I'm drawing a complete blank here...
sh116b --  - Boo! EEEK! - The good news is you'll handle better on corners...
sh116c -- ...and the doctor says it's all in your mind. - Your ears will return to normal when you forgive me for scaring you yesterday. - Nothing inspires forgiveness quite like revenge.
sh117a -- WHAT IF PEOPLE HAD TAILS? - First of all, it would look darned silly. - Only the unobservant would loose at poker. He's bluffing. Control...don't wag... - Jury trials would be simpler. ...then I found my husband dead. - And parties would be
sh117a -- even more awkward. - That's when I learned that if you drive a Porsche, you should never make fun of a man on a steamroller. Tragic...really.
sh118a -- Hi. You must be the new secretary. Well, yes and no... - Granted, I'm temporarily being paid for performing secretary-like duties. But I'm really an author, a Jazz pianist and a thespian. I have a Ph.D. in psychology. - Sounds like a little
sh118a -- crisis with the ol' self-image. And a gourmet chef...
sh118b -- Dilbert, I'm putting you in charge of the department secretary. - See if you can get him to cut down on the personal phone calls. - ...just be a little more discreet...for example, try *not* wearing the traditional costume of the countries
sh118b -- you're calling.
sh118c -- As your new supervisor, I want to discuss your career path. - You're a secretary now, but what do you want do be in two years? A famous actor... or maybe a doctor. - Uh...I don't think I can help you here... Oh, right, but you'll expect me to
sh118c -- work hard for you.
sh119a -- My boss asked me to supervise the department secretary. I don't really know how to manage people... - Try positive reinforcement. Praise the things he does right. Trust him to make the right choices. - I forgot to write down your messages, so I
sh119a -- just put a bunch of gibberish on little pieces of paper.
sh119b -- How's the new secretary for the department working out? - I think he's having a self-image problem. - Sure, I'm a secretary, but watch me crush this paper clip!!
sh119c -- Auto Service Just a quick question: is it necessary to change my oil... - ...or can I just keep letting it run dry and then add new oil? - AAAEEEEOO I think the answer is going to be "no" to that second option.
sh120a -- Thank you all for coming to IRV Klepfurd's Retirement Celebration. - Many of you know that IRV has been pilfering office supplies for his entire career. - In fact, he's only retiring now because he finished construction of his garage made
sh120a -- entirely of paper clips. - This bill is for $87,000 of personal phone calls made from the office. - Instead of a gold watch, I'm going to write the current time on this yellow sticky pad and slap it on his forehead. - SLAP! - Now...I understand
sh120a -- we have some birthdays today...
sh121a -- Prehistoric Dilbert... What is it? - I call it "The Wheel." -
sh121b -- I'm feeling timid today... I felt timid yesterday too... - Holy cheese! I may be a timid person. - I've decided to build a blanket fort with the living room furniture and live in it forever. I'm so proud of you.
sh121c -- I like a man who makes eye contact. - Oh no...uncontrollable urge to look away... I've got to blink about twenty times. Why did she have to bring that up? - AAEEEEII!! GASP* blink blink blink blink blink blink I love doing that.
sh122a -- We can no longer compete against the Japanese with their technology advantages. - So we're sending you to Japan on an employee exchange program. - To learn their technology and bring it back here? Just do for them what you've done for us.
sh122b -- People catch worms to go fishing. - People eat fish that just ate worms. - There is definitely a wasted step here.
sh122c -- I've taken the liberty of calculating a twenty-percent tip. - It's written on the back next to a picture of a smiling diner...a fifteen percent tip is shown by the picture of a guilty-looking diner. - Below that is a picture of a diner and his
sh122c -- dog with salad forks in their backs...
sh123a --  - HOLY HAIRBALLS! WHAT ARE YOU?!! - I am the "dust bunny," an emerging cultural icon. - Once a year I come to every home and hide clumps of dust under furniture and major appliances. - You must honor me by decorating closet doors and singing
sh123a -- dust hymns. - What about gifts? Do I get any gifts out of this? - No. The dust bunny symbolizes only love, goodwill and very poor housekeeping. - I know, it seems harsh, but you have to nip these things in the bud. Okay, gifts!
sh124a -- Here we have a lab rat, specially bred to be susceptible to peer pressure. - How about a Brewski? I don't drink. All the cool rats drink beer. Okay. - Of course, there's more to science than just hurting animals, but frankly it's the part I
sh124a -- like best.
sh124b -- Doc, we have to talk. - Everyday you feed me over a hundred pounds of macaroni and cheese...at first I thought you were just being a good host. - But lately I've been thinking it could be something far more sinister. Macaroni and cheese causes
sh124b -- paranoia...
sh124c -- Lab I hate my life. - If I eat one more ton of macaroni and cheese I think I'll die... Of course, that may be the point. - Tonight I'm going "over the wall." Wait...I'm a rat...I'll go *through* the wall.
sh125a -- What's that noise? skritch skritch skritch - It sounds like a rat, escaped from a nearby laboratory, chewing a hole through our front door to avoid sure death from a hideous macaroni-and-cheese experiment. - That's amazing. These babies aren't
sh125a -- just for good looks, you know.
sh125b -- Greetings, dog. I've come to live in your house and escape from my job at the laboratory. - You could think of me as a political exile seeking sanctuary in a friendly embassy. - I could think of you as a rat. Okay, but I don't expect any
sh125b -- special treatment.
sh125c -- I wasn't getting any respect at the lab...I felt used. - Sure...the food was good - and *lots* of it...but I don't think the professor valued me as an individual. - And a rat without respect is like...like... Like you.
sh126a -- - Greetings, Dogbert, I am the god of thunder. Yip! - I am Thor!! - Take some Aspirin. - We're looking for some new norse gods to update our image. Your name came up. - It's the same way I got started. I worked my way up from God of static
sh126a -- cling. - Hmm..."God of Velcro" looks interesting. - Don't laugh. I put your name in for god of mayonnaise.
sh127a -- Dilbert, this is a rat. Rat, this is Dilbert. I've come to live here! - How lucky for us. We were just saying how much we needed a plague-carrying vermin to round out the household. - He doesn't have much of a personality... I usually drown him
sh127a -- out with the television.
sh127b -- I you're going to live here, you need a name. How about "Mickey"? - No...big trouble. How about "Rodney the Rodent"? How about "Bill the Rat"? - "Vernon the Vermin"? "Ratbert"
sh127c -- Let me introduce you to our dinosaurs, Bob and Dawn. Cool! - EEEEK!! A MOUSE! Not a mouse, a rat!! - Ooops. Sorry. You look kinda like a mouse. No offense taken.
sh128a -- Yes? I'm looking for my escaped lab rat. The trail leads to this house. - Can't you use just another rat? No. I'm on a very limited budget. - What will you do if he dies? CPR
sh128b -- Ahaa! There's my runaway lab rat! I'd recognize little XP-39C� anywhere! - All is forgiven. Come back to your job at the lab. I love you. - He was specially bred to have no will power. Hold me.
sh128c -- Goodbye, Dogbert. I must return to the lab with the professor. sniff That's stupid. - He says he loves me. That must be why he fed me so much. You're getting stupider. - I have to follow my heart. Mmm...love causes stupidity in lab rats.
921207 -- I've decided to use more humor in the workplace - experts say humor eases tension which is important in times when the workforce is being trimmed. - knock-knock Who's there? Not you anymore.
940105 -- We're flattening organization to eliminate levels and put everybody in a wide salary band. - Now instead of not getting a promotion you'll only not get a raise.- So, what job title do we use? You'll all be named Beverly.
940106 -- The boss's brain Hummm - Theoretically, if I cut costs enough we'll be profitable without selling any products. - How do they get the ink into these things?
951026 -- Wally and I have bet about why you assigned me to the same task as three other people. - I believe it's a clever ploy to create healthy internal competition. Wally thinks you're just dumber than the average cauliflower. - May I point
951026 -- out that cauliflower is the brain of the fruit kingdom. Yes!
951027 -- Three other people asked for that same information. You must be on redundant projects. - Here's a big binder which at first glance seems useful, but you'll realize later it's not. - I've got a few more useless binders. Do you want 'em?
951027 -- Sure. I'm using them to build an addition to my cubicle.
951028 -- It looks somebody is using binders to illegally increase the size of his cubicle. - You think status will increase with your cubicle size, don't you! Well it won't work! - Here's a raise. I don't know why. Psst. Is he seeing anybody? rrrr
951029 -- Helen, do you have any staples in the supply cabinet? - No, I only stock the basics: cheap pens with green ink, big jars of glue and ribbons for obsolete printers. - Could you order some staples? You need to give me the order number.
951029 -- Okay. Can I see your supply catalog? Wally borrowed it. - rrring I'd better get that; it might be personal. sob - Wally, do you have the... I need your help with this. Pull up a chair. - I need both of you to come talk to a vendor that
951029 -- we'll never use. - Thanks to technology, I almost stapled something today. I'm so proud to know you.
951030 -- Headquarters: Hey, Chuck's looking unhappy today. What's the problem, big guy? - All of my bad decisions are catching up on me. Could we do another reorg to cover my tracks? Yeah, I've got some bodies to bury, too. - "..These changes will
951030 -- allow us to focus on our core business." Whoa! Let me get my reorg boots.
951031 -- I don't understand how the new reorganization will help us "focus on our core business." Did our core business change? Or are you saying that *every* reorg prior to this was a misdirected failure? - Wally, when a car gets a flat tire,
951031 -- do you do? Well, if I'm you, I rotate the tires and drive home.
951101 -- Guess what, Wally. What sadistic plot has H.R. come up with now, Catbert? - We're giving you a real plus a "dotted line" to another boss who has different objectives. - The status reports alone will take forty hours a week. I'm gonna
951101 -- staple myself to death.
951102 -- I heard you got assigned on a "dotted line" to out boss' archival. Groan - Look on the bright side. Think of yourself as leading the exciting life of a secret double-agent! - Don't most double-agents get captured and executed immediately?
951102 -- They *wish* it was immediate.
951103 -- The "Dogbert Corporate Art Source" will provide low-cost paintings for your walls. - Our motto is "if it's in a frame, it will look like art of you." - How much do the paintings cost? Six dollars a pound.
951104 -- How did you get the contract to supply our company with wall art? Low bid. - As we speak, my assistant is scouring the earth in search of low-cost art. - "School-o-Art" I'll take it!!
951105 -- I worked all night but I finished the presentation package you wanted. - Put the presentation date on each page. - Those are color transparencies. It would take hours and cost hundreds of dollars to reprint them. - There's no reason to date
951105 -- them.  In fact, it would limit future use and clutter the page. - But since you're incapable of admitting error... - I eagerly await your bizarre, other-worldly explanation for putting the date on each page. - Some people might not have
951105 -- calendars, and we have to make sure it's not holiday. BAM! - Ouch. My brain exploded. The first presentation is February 30th...
951106 -- I've come to be your personal digital assistant. - Use the little pen to write messages on my stomach. I'll use state-of-the-rat technology to interpret your handwriting. - Weave...me...a...cone...yoo...cupid...bat...
951107 -- Why are you putting a sign on the coffee maker? - It's an ISO9000 requirement. Everything must be clearly labeled. There can be no exceptions. That's stupid. - Believe me, I don't like it any more than you do. (stupid label guy)
951108 -- The project status is "yellow light." - In user tests we found that the product locks up every twelve seconds. The interface is incomprehensible and the manual is pure fiction. - I think it's clear what we need to do... Ship it and hope
951108 -- somebody writes a "dummies" book about it?
951109 -- Saint Dogbert enters the land of cubicles searching for the demons of stupidity. - Suddenly he finds an over-promoted computer guru spouting useless database concepts. You'd be fools to ignore the boolean anti-binary-least-square approach -
951109 -- The monster is dispatched to the dark world by the sight of its most feared object.  Look! Actual code! sssssss Cool!
951110 -- How long will it take to fix any problems we find in our beta product? - It is logically impossible to schedule for the unknown. - Try to think as a manager, not as an engineer. In that case, we'll fix the problems before we find them.
951111 -- The next transparency is an incomprehensible jumble of complexity and undefined acronyms. - You might wonder why I'm going to show it to you since the only possible result is to lower your opinion of my communication skills. - Frankly, it's
951111 -- because I like making complex pictures more than I like you.
951112 -- Mister Catbert will explain our new "total compensation plan" for excellence. - We no longer view compensation in the narrow terms of salary alone. - Danger! Danger! - If employee benefits go up, then salaries can go down and it all balances
951112 -- out. - For example, did you know you could lower your blood pressure by rubbing my soft, furry belly? - It might be a trick! What's the worst thing that could happen? - HA HA HA!!! Its a health benefit! Now I'll cut everybody's salary! - I've
951112 -- noticed the more health benefits I get, the worse I feel.
951113 -- Our goal is to write bug-free software. I'll pay a ten-dollar bonus for every bug you find and fix. - YAHOO! We're rich! Yes!!! Yes!!! Yes!!! - I hope this drives the right behavior. I'm gonna write me a new minivan this afternoon!
951114 -- The company pays me ten dollars for every bug I fix in my code, Ratbert. - I want you to do your little rat dance on my keyboard so I'll have lots of bugs to fix. - How am I doing? Not so good. You just authored a web browser.
951115 -- My accomplishments this week is that I've become an agent of change. - I foster and reward those behaviors that contribute to a culture of teamwork. - I've become slightly more cynical. Keep up the good work, buddy. (Pat Pat)
951116 -- I used to write programs using punch cards...but I'd be rather be fishing... - Look, you bearded road apple, if you answer one more of my questions with an irrelevant story I'll snap you into next week! - Sometime next week... Looks like a hole
951116 -- in the space-time continuum. Did you hear a snap?
951117 -- I think we should build an SQL database. Uh-Oh - Does he understand what he said or is it something he saw in a trade magazine ad? - What color do you want that database? I think mauve has the most RAM.
951118 -- From now on I'm going to be more proactive. - YOU'RE FIRED!! - For what?? I don't know yet. That's the problem with being proactive.
951119 -- We need to ship the V-1 product tomorrow. I promised our CEO he can say it at the shareholder meeting. - That's two months early!! We haven't added any features yet!! - What would we ship? Our lab prototype is the only V-1 in in existence!
951119 -- NO...YOU WOULDN'T! - I've scheduled press tours so you can do demos all next week. OH WHAT!! - We'll need twenty thousand dollars to build another prototype! - That reminds me; I froze the budget for the rest of the year. - If there's anything
951119 -- you'd like me to do, don't hesitate to ask. Yeah, I'd like you to do something... - Ooh...I think I should have hesitated to ask that.
951120 -- Dogbert the consultant: I recommend that you reorganize to strengthen the core competency of your company. - As luck would have it, your core competency is "giving money to consultants." - I don't think that's the *only* thing we're good
951120 -- at. - It depends on if you count "whining."
951121 -- My consulting partner, Ratbert, will demonstrate how to inform employees that their jobs will be outsourced. - You're history, scram. - How do I get them all stooped over? I recommend a program of very bad ergonomics.
951122 -- This new policy of keeping our keyboards on the floor is ridiculous! - The only possible explanation is to make us all stooped over so it's easier for management to kick our behinds! Ha Ha Ha!! Ha Ha Ha! - Wait a minute...that is the *only*
951122 -- explanation. Cover me; I'm going to the printer.
951123 -- The company has decided to outsource all of the functions that we're not any good at. - Yipee! Yay! - When's your last day? Uh-oh...They're not good at knowing what they're not good at...
951124 -- I don't understand why some people wash their bath towels. - When I get out of the shower I'm the cleanest object in house. In theory, those towels should be getting cleaner every time they touch me. - Maybe I could hug you every day so I
951124 -- don't need to take showers. Are towels supposed to bend?
951125 -- I've gotta run to the post office. - You go to the post office every day. Are you aware that you can buy more than one stamp at a time? - Apparently you don't understand the concept of "float."
951126 -- The clever Salesman evaluates his prey. Badge (Visitors sign in) - I hope he's an important decision-maker. - Take any seat. I call the good chair. Warning! Cubicle! Low-Ranking employee! - Here's our organization chart: President...Senior
951126 -- Vice President...Vice President... - Okay, lift your foot. Do you see that coffee stain on the carpet? That's you? - No That's my boss. I would be under the carpet. - Do I have any hope of talking to somebody who can make a decision? Let me
951126 -- check. - Hey, Wally. What's a "decision"? It sounds like something our competitors do. (Sob)
951127 -- My password for the network isn't working. Fill out a help request online. - I can't get online because my password doesn't work... Send me an E-Mail message about it. - I CAN'T SEND E-MAIL BECAUSE I CAN'T GET ON THE STINKIN' NETWORK!!!
951127 -- Geez, you're worthless...
951128 -- does human resources offer any treatment programs for people with dysfunctional internet connections? - I recommend the "yarn therapy." You'll be wrapped in a huge ball of yarn and used as furniture in my office. - Is this like the famous
951128 -- "ropes" course where I learn to solve problems as part of a team? Exactly, except here you learn to be my couch.
951129 -- Alice, did you hear that Dilbert's network connection isn't working? Uh-oh - He is what we call a technology "have not." His competitiveness in the global economy will last as long as this french fry. So sad. - After lunch, I'm going to use
951129 -- something called "electronic mail." You can watch if you promise not to touch anything- Snork! Gulp
951130 -- We've been dating for a year now, Liz. There's something I'd like to do tonight... - There are some needs that I can't fulfill at work. I understand. - YES! YES! How long has your internet connection at work been broken?
951201 -- We just shipped our newest product. You folks in tech support will need to be trained so you can avoid any embarrassments. - We had a monk write the training material on a grain of rice. We could only afford one, so you'll have to share it. -
951201 -- To be honest, I'm not sure we had a real monk. He wrote everything in pig latin.
951202 -- Does your boss give you orders and later deny it? Do you get in trouble for doing what you're told? Yes - The "Dogbert Detective Agency" will videotape it all and embarrass your boss with proof! - What??! Why did you do this??! This is the
951202 -- happiest moment of my career. Lights!
951203 -- Working late again, huh, Alice? - Seventy hours a week... - Me too. Thank goodness for overtime pay! - Overtime pay? Allow me to explain. - Unlike you so-called "exempt" employees, my income increases if I work additional hours. - I'm
951203 -- pulling in seventy-five thousand a year, and half the time I just hide in the basement reading "fishing" magazine. - The only down side is that I don't get to enjoy the intellectual stimulation of my co-workers the way you do. - I don't
951203 -- know what I like better - deep sea fishing or cubicle fishing.
951204 -- On one hand, my company does use inferior technology in our products... - But on the other hand, I'm the most attractive female who has paid attention to you this year. - What kind of engineers do you think we are??! - Do you have pictures
951204 -- of your field support people?
951205 -- I can't believe you're recommending this lousy vendor just because the sales rep is gorgeous. - Here's a picture of Thor, their field engineer. - Does he really work without a shirt? Only if you buy the "Indian Chief" maintenance package.
951206 -- Your employees have recommended a vendor who has an attractive salesperson. - But the "Dogbert Technology Company" can provide you with a hardware solution for *half* the cost! I'll save the money! - What if I need to upgrade later? Is it
951206 -- expensive? I must have left that price sheet in my other fur.
951207 -- So, you ignored my recommendation and bought a low-cost system that's totally inadequate... - You compensated this blunder by making it part of *my* objectives to make the system work... - You'll get a bonus for saving money. I'll get fired,
951207 -- thus saving more money and earning you *another* bonus. I'm on a roll.
951208 -- It's funny - Before your company bought that critical system from me, *you* had all the power... - BUT NOW, ONLY *I* CAN PROVIDE ESSENTIAL UPGRADES!! *I* CALL THE SHOTS, YOU SIMPLE FOOL!! - Send in the next employee. At least we don't have any
951208 -- multi-vendor compatibility issues.
951209 -- It's inexplicable, but the low-cost system I sold you seems to be woefully underpowered. - You could replace it with another vendor's system, thus showing everybody you made a mistake. Or you can pay my outrageous upgrade fees. - How big a fool
951209 -- do you think I am? I won't know until I see if you go for the lease option.
951210 -- Hello, is this the "Help Desk"? - No, that group got reengineered out of existence. - I'm the new "No help whatsoever desk." My job is to make sure you never call again. - Can you tell me how to make a pie chart? - Crush your computer into
951210 -- small chunks, add flour and bake one hour. - While you're waiting, read the free novel we sent you. It's a Spanish story about a guy named "Manual." - Repeat the process until you get the desired result. - This has lost a *lot* in the
951210 -- translation.
951211 -- Send this by E-Mail. - Fax it, too, in case he doesn't check his E-Mail. And mail the original so he has a clean copy. - Goodbye "paperless," hello "clueless."
951212 -- It's status report time where each of you gets to prove what poor communicators you are while I act interested! - Remember to use lots of acronyms that only you understand. And speak in a whiny monotone that makes us all want to slap you! -
951212 -- I'm starting to lose my idealism.
951213 -- No, you fool. That modem will never fit your need. - The specs look okay. You're an idiot compared to me! Put that down! It's the wrong interface! The *wrong* interface!!! - Is he on commission? Yeah, he pays us a dollar per customer. rrrr
951214 -- Wait-a-minute... I'm starting to realize something. - My job is senior associate, yet I spend my time doing clerical work...and unless I'm mistaken, I'm the lowest paid employee. - Is this a bad time? AAAGH!! I'M A SECRETARY!
951215 -- I read somewhere that certain religions require their initiates to perform pointless never-ending tasks to rid them out of their egos. - - What now?
951216 -- When I conquer the world I'll have a secret handshake to identify the people who will be part of my new ruling class. - Cross your eyes and stick out your tongue. Good, now vigorously slap your face. - The people who aren't doing that will be
951216 -- identified as my new ruling class. SLAP!
951217 -- Alice, our records show that you haven't taken a vacation all year. - Company policy requires you to use your vacation days. - How?? You told me to work seven days a week to prepare the project for your boss's year-end review. - Do you want
951217 -- me to meet the artificial project target or the artificial vacation target? - HELLO!!! THESE ARE MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE GOALS!!! HELLOO!!! - Ooh...sorry. I usually just think that last part in silent frustration. - Moving right along... Kudos to
951217 -- Wally for using all of his vacation days ahead of schedule. - Get over it, Alice. We can't all be superstars.
951218 -- Our new slogan is "Everybody is in Sales." - Imagine all employees convinced their friends to buy our product, eventually... - ...We'd have no friends? What's this "friend" thing I keep hearing about?
951219 -- My company asked all employees to act as salespeople to friends and family. I think you could use this, Mom. - Why would I need a primary rate circuit? I've already got a frame relay drop to my web server in the sewing room. - This is going to
951219 -- be a tough sale. - Hello-o-o! Earth to Dilbert! This is packet data...
951220 -- Hey, what's Dogbert doing here? - This is "bring your dog to world day." - There's no such thing. - I'm through the security firewall and into the personnel records. We need to talk.
951221 -- It isn't ethical to hack into the payroll computer and give me a raise, Dogbert. - Not ethical?? Is it ethical for them to make you work seventy hours a week and only pay your for forty??!! - How about a five percent raise? Well, there's the
951221 -- issue of the quality of your work...
951222 -- Most business plans fail. Obviously, success is not a realistic goal. - But the people who manage most spectacular failures get promoted first because of their experience. - That is the most cynical thing I've ever heard in my life! Thanks. I'm
951222 -- blushing.
951223 -- On the advice of my dog, I'm asking for an additional ten million dollars for my project. - That will make a more spectacular failure, thus guaranteeing a promotion for me. As your boss, I'd get recognition too...okay. - Wow! Do you have any
951223 -- advice for me?! Breath mints.
951224 -- Happy Airlines - Vacation, here we come! click click click click - Why do they have to enter so much stuff in the computer? click click click click - They already have our reservation and seat assignment in there. What else do they need? click
951224 -- click click click - I'm developing a sudden fear of flying. Step aside. click click click click - WHAT'S GOING ON UP HERE??!! - Gate 13. Have a nice flight. Okay. - "They never saw their beloved luggage again. The misfits always regretted
951224 -- offending Tantra, the goddess of flight. The end."
951225 -- I got myself one of those "900" phone numbers. I make money every time somebody calls for my valuable advice. - RING RING RING RING RING RING - Do you ever answer it? Voice mail...get with the nineties.
951226 -- This is a living document. - AAAAH!! - Next time, just say you plan to update it. Mine's dead.
951227 -- Okay! This is one tidy little cubicle now! - The cleanliness one's work place is a sign of how much one enjoys one's job. - Give me the cleaner; It's my turn to fantasize that I'm a maid. Five more minutes...please.
951228 -- I declare myself "King Dogbert," the first ruler of the Internet!! - BOW BEFORE ME OR BE EXPELLED FROM THE KINGDOM FOREVER!!! - Are you aware that the Internet is comprised of millions of individuals and organizations that operate independently?
951228 -- Until now!
951229 -- Your new software is successfully installed. Do you want to send your registration info by modem? Yes - The software has found your credit card number and is placing orders for new products it thinks you need...please wait. - Making room on
951229 -- your hard drive... I can't tell if it's a virus or just excellent marketing. Either way...
951230 -- Correction A recent Dilbert strip used the words "Ant Farm" to describe a habitat for ants. - Lawyers have informed me that "Ant Farm" is a trademark of "Uncle Million Industries, Inc." They demand a public clarification. - What *should* we
951230 -- call a habitat for worthless and disgusting little creatures? Law school.
951231 -- I've got an idea! We're doomed. - Why can't we run our inventory database over our E-Mail system? - Fact: That is the stupidest Idea in the universe. - Fact: His comprehension is so limited that debate is futile. - Fact: We could spend hours
951231 -- unsuccessfully explaining why it's a stupid idea. - Fact: He would never know if we used his idea or not. - No problem. We'll get right on it. My work is done. Stupidity is like nuclear power; it can be used for good or evil. And you don't want
951231 -- to get any on you.
960101 -- A while back I asked for options about this new character, "Tina the brittle tech writer." - Results Most people, including nearly all self-described feminists, said keep her. But there were many requests to add "non-stereotypical" female
960101 -- characters for balance. - In the interest of balance I give you "Antina." Is anybody up for some math?
960102 -- Hi, I'm Antina the non-stereotypical woman. - That computer monitor you're using is supposed to be 17 inches. But it's more like 16.5 inches. - I took the coffee machine apart just for fun - want to see?
960103 -- I've decided to mask my boyish looks by growing a beard. - I didn't think Ted was smart enough to know how to grow a beard. Hee Hee - Two weeks later How do you like my beard? My search for a new manager is over.
960104 -- I promoted Ted to be your new manager- I used to think he looked boyish, but his new beard changed that. - Are either of you the least bit concerned that Ted's beard is growing from his forehead? - She made it sound as if it's wrong. You can
960104 -- punish them for having bad options.
960105 -- As your new boss I have yet to select my "pet" employee. I shall do this by closing my eyes and pointing the beard on my forehead. - To make it fair, I'll close my eyes while one of you spins my chair! - Alice...um...technically this isn't
960105 -- "spinning." Stairs
960106 -- How do you like being a manager, Ted? - Yesterday my staff pushed me down then flights of stairs. My soul left my body and now I'm a lifeless evil entity. - Just in time to perform reviews! I couldn't have planned it better.
960107 -- Why do I have a feeling of impending doom? - Good news! Uh-oh. - You won't have to spend another lonely day in this tiny cubicle. - I'm getting an office? Better! You're getting a roommate! - Why!!! We've got plenty of empty cubicles! Our
960107 -- company owns the whole building! - The finance department charges my budget for the square footage we use. - It's a false savings! You're hurting the company! All I hear is a faint buzzing. - Oh well. How bad could it be? I hope you like baked
960107 -- beans and square-dancing as much as I do!
960108 -- Performance Review Your engineering work was excellent. But there was the little incident where you... - SHOVED ME DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS AND KILLED ME, THUS INVITING THE FORCES OF DARKNESS TO POSSESS MY BODY!!! BACK! - How'd it go? I swear,
960108 -- this job is all politics.
960109 -- My new boss is possessed by an evil force. We need your advice, Dogbert. - There is only one solution. You must drive a stake through his heart. - There's no way we could be so cruel!! Can I borrow your pen? All I have is this wimpy retractable.
960110 -- Alice is ready to drive a stake through the heart of our demon-possessed boss. - WHACK WHACK WHACK - It's times like these when I'm glad my heart is the size of a raisin! I need all of your pens, including "Blue Betty."
960111 -- I would never buy something over the Internet. I'd hate to have my credit card number floating around out there. - There are a lot of unscrupulous people on the net. - Later ...Bottom line, it just isn't common sense.
960112 -- It's time for a visit from "Camping Girl." - There goes my entire morning. I'd like to begin with a monologue entitled "Woe is Carl." - I'm working every minute! They all laughed when I built the escape tunnel.
960113 -- Gotta hurry. One...Two...Three... click - I have twelve seconds to get to the shared laser printer. - Guess who saved the Apollo 13 mission. Did you know that Wally invented the cursor?
960114 -- We need to have a little talk... - You told me to finish my project in a week but it's taken two months. - This doesn't look good for your ability to estimate resource requirements. - Frankly, it's not much of an endorsement of your leadership
960114 -- either. I was uninspired the whole time. - And don't even get me started about your incompetence at budgeting. I spent *way* more than you predicted! - Your incessant demands for status reports were like a rope that strangled my productivity! -
960114 -- Bottom line, your performance did *not* meet my expectations. - So, Wally, do you still think the best defense is offense? It seemed like such a good idea.
960115 -- I call my new operating system the "Dogbert 2000." - Soon I will dominate the entire PC industry! Heh-heh... It looks like "Windows 95." - I use some of the graphical metaphors, but I pronounce them differently. - How do you pronounce the
960115 -- "Microsoft" logo ?
960116 -- After I become a billionaire from my software company I'll do a little dance. - I'm so rich its me you hail if I'm obnoxious kiss my tail - Do you plan to do any charity work? Let me put it this way - you just saw my contribution to the fine
960116 -- arts.
960117 -- If you plan to remain in the computer business you'd better bundle the "Dogbert 2000" operating system with every unit you sell. - Otherwise, after I dominate the market you'll be last on my list to receive new products! - You remind me of
960117 -- somebody... It's the glasses, isn't it?
960118 -- Dogbert meets with the software developers Note the huge market for software that runs on the "Dogbert 2000" operating system. - But who cares? The important thing is that I brought a bag of toys. - Some say that the computer industry is built
960118 -- on silicon. I think foam and plastic are equally important.
960119 -- Thanks to my software empire, my net wealth is twenty million dollars. - Contrary to popular opinion, it does seem to make them happy. - Money can't buy a sunset, Dogbert. No, but I was able to license the digital rights.
960120 -- I heard you were doing some baby-sitting. Bob. - Yeah! I did the Morton triplets last night. - It's not easy to juggle three screaming toddlers. - When you say "juggle"... It's the Mortons with a question about their ceiling fan.
960121 -- Hee hee! This is my most diabolical work yet as director of human resources. - Thanks to E-Mail I can play with hundreds of employees at once! - Uh-oh... A message from the evil mister Catbert. - "In order to reduce our janitorial expenses..."
960121 -- That's a phrase you don't want to see. - "Every engineer will be required to strap a broom to his or her..." - "...buttocks." - - On the positive side, marketing invites us to a lot more meetings now. Five minutes, we're still eating cookies.
960122 -- The company announced a new compensation plan today. Bonuses will be paid only to the top ten percent of the employees. - In related news, 89% of the employees resigned in bitter disgust. The top ten percent also left, realizing they could
960122 -- get better jobs elsewhere. - This could have an impact on those of you who remain. We get the bonuses?
960123 -- I'm inventing a new technology to prevent kids from seeing smut on the Internet. - So, you're pitting your intelligence against the collective sex drive of all the teenagers who own computers? - What is your point? Did you know that if you put
960123 -- a little hat on a snowball it can last a long time in hell?
....
960131 -- Wally writes the critical code for a our nation's new air traffic control system. The crowd is silent. - Suddenly the gifted programmer employs a rarely seen strategy of "code reuse." - The crowd goes wild. - So you used the code from the
960131 -- payroll system? Here's a tip: Don't fly on pay day.
960201 -- Thanks to my leadership, the new air traffic control system is designed on time and under budget. - I had to cut a few corners. This big radar-looking thing is a wall clock. And most of the buttons are glued on. - It looks like it might be
960201 -- um...dangerous. Great...I finish early and what do I get: "Feature Creep."
960202 -- I need everybody to help in the shipping department. - Every product that ships before the end of the month gets counted as revenue for the fiscal year. Unfortunately, we don't have inventory. - So we'll ship whatever is lying around, book it
960202 -- as revenue and sort it out later. This one's getting gum.
960203 -- Hey, Wally! The boss sent his first E-Mail message! - And you said he wasn't bright enough to figure out how to use E-Mail! What's his message? - "I forgot my watch. Does anybody know what time it is?" Time to change jobs.
960204 -- I'll never understand what you do for a living. I told you I'm an engineer, Mom. - So you say. But you also say you spend all day in meetings. When do you do your engineering? - Good point. Let's just say I'm what the experts call a
960204 -- "Knowledge Worker." - Which experts call it that? I don't know. - What's the name of the product you're working on? I don't know what the acronym stands for... - What kind of market penetration and return on investment do you expect?
960204 -- Um...I don't know... - Oh, dear... Well, I'm sure you're very punctual. - Ask me another question!! C'mon... Why do they call you a "Knowledge Worker" ?
960205 -- I have discovered the cause of your project delays. - Somebody in this room is a piece of deadwood pretending to be a contributor! - IT IS YOU! Hey, I made some calls and I'm waiting for information!
960206 -- Alice, you've got to lock up these proprietary documents you have in your cubicle. - If our competitors see our plans, it could be very dangerous. For us or for them? - The competitors Ooh! Ooh! They're planning to "utilize synergy." We're
960206 -- in trouble now! HA HA HA Stop! You're killing me!!
960207 -- Why it it that the people with the  least need for storage space have the biggest offices? - I know! You're using your office as kind of a living monument of inefficiency! - Is this because I wouldn't let you get a file cabinet? Where
960207 -- would I put it? My cubicle is full of stacks of proprietary documents.
960208 -- I told you this project would take a year. But on my objectives you say I must have it done in three months. - Which of these reasons best describes why: A. You have great confidence in me. B. You think I padded my estimate. C. You have my
960208 -- guts. - We don't really need the project. It's just a way to keep raises low. I just felt a little dip in my motivation.
960209 -- Wally, I've decided to move your project due date up a month. - Every time it looks like I'll reach an objective, you move it! What does this prove about my performance? - It proves I'm better at setting objectives than you are at
960209 -- achieving them.
960210 -- I have too many passwords in my life. What if I forget them? - You'd lose your job! You wouldn't be able to withdraw money or check phone messages! You'd be dead in a week!! - That would have been a good time to be quietly supportive,
960210 -- Dogbert. Oh, yeah, that's a lot of fun.
960211 -- Simple Molecules combine to make powerful chemicals... - Simple cells combine to make powerful lifeforms. - Simple electronics combine to make powerful computers. - Logically, all things are created by a combination of simpler, less
960211 -- capable components. - Therefore, a supreme being must be our *future*, not our origin! - What if "God" is the consciousness that will be created when enough of us are connected by the Internet?!! - That would certainly limit the types of
960211 -- files I download- I wonder what it would do to response times. - It's so nice to spend time alone with my thoughts. My web browser would *fly*!
960212 -- Catbert the evil human resources director The employees have too much time off. It must be stopped. - I SUMMON THE DEMONS OF DARKNESS TO ASSIST ME!!! - ...eliminate sick days. Make them use vacation days when they're ill. Call it a "Time
960212 -- Bank." It's playful... It's cruel... I like it.
960213 -- I know I should be off tormenting people... - But I can pry myself away from this most excellent butt-warming device. - It's probably because of the hype, but I'm thinking this would be even better with "Windows 95."
960214 -- As a co-op employee, you can't expect the same lush cubicle environment that the regular employees enjoy. - You'll be sharing this cubicle with our other co-ops. - I heard that the new new co-op only lasted one day. He didn't fit in.
960215 -- Here's the revised standard employment agreement. Sign it or be fired. - "This agreement is between the company (hereafter referred to as 'the only company that would ever hire you') and you (hereafter called 'pudding head')." - It seems
960215 -- to have a bit of attitude. Our lawyers turned on us. I suspect rabies.
....
960217 -- Look at the agreement my company is forcing us to sign. They claim the rights to any idea an employee ever has. - No problem. Just retype it with a few strategic omissions and sign it. They can't proofread every one. - Wouldn't that be
960217 -- dishonest? Maybe you could just show them some of your ideas and they'd grant a waiver.
960218 -- Here's my project time line. - The "work" portion will take one week. (Work 1 week) - I'll spend three weeks meeting with people whom you send to me because you don't feel like talking to them yourself (3 weeks) - I'll spend eight weeks
960218 -- getting competitive bids from companies that I know I won't select. - ...six weeks to get the wisdom and approval of executives who are too busy to understand the issues. - During that time you will randomly reorganize the department and
960218 -- cut out my funding. - In the final phase I leap to my death, a bitter and broken shell of a man. EEEE!!! - Is there some sort of manager thing I should be doing now? If I time my leap right you'll just be leaving the building.
960219 -- This 3-D colored pie chart shows an unexplained rise in expenses. ? You each get a binder of colored pie charts so you can help find the cause of our rising expenses. - How much do color copies cost? - I think I see it! - It's not the
960219 -- "magic eye," doofus.
960220 -- I moved our software development work to the impoverished nation of Elbonia. - I'm brilliant. They write high-quality code for six cents a dime! There's no risk! Red Alert! - Elbonia Tomorrow, *you* be the computer.
960221 -- I heard that our software development work has been moved to the tiny nation of Elbonia. Things can't get worse than that. - Dilbert, you're in charge of integrating the Elbonian's software with our existing systems. - Okay, *now* it can't
960221 -- get any worse. You might want to get a tuberculosis vaccination.
960222 -- Somewhere in Elbonia I've been assigned to check the software you're writing for us under contract. - The documentation is written in our own Elbonian language. Is that a problem? - That's better than I hoped. I was afraid nobody here knew
960222 -- how to write. Writing is easy. Someday we hope to read, too.
960223 -- Before I accept the software you wrote under contract, tell me what development methology you use. - We hold village meetings to boast of our skills and curse the devil-spawned end-users. Sometimes we juggle. - At the last minute we slam
960223 -- out some code and go roller skating. - I would find this humorous if not for the pig on my back.
960224 -- You saved one million dollars by having programmers in Elbonia write software for us. - But we wasted four million dollars trying to debug the software. - And the entire staff of our quality assurance group quit to become mimes. - Let's
960224 -- blame the mimes; they won't talk.
960225 -- I'm embarrassed to work at my company, Dogbert. - We can't even pay a simple invoice in less than six months. - "First it comes to our mail room for aging." Do we like Dilbert? Bad haircut. Penalty box. - "Months later it gets to our
960225 -- department secretary." It's urgent. I'll start ignoring it immediately. - "Eventually my boss gets it. He uses it to demonstrate his inability to grasp the concept of time." Let's get some more bids. That was the *past*. This is the
960225 -- *present*. "If it makes it to the accounts payable group, it will be eaten by trolls." No, thanks I'm full. Just a taste. - How would you protect your reputation if you were associated with something so pathetic? - I'd tell everybody that
960225 -- the doofy guy is my butler. Hypothetically.
960226 -- I hate my shirts. Each one has either a stain or a missing button. - They say engineers are not concerned with fashion, but that's not fair. - Which stain goes with this tie? Definitely the marinara.
960227 -- I just got our consultant's report. He's identified our biggest problem. - I recommend that we build a tracking database. We can put it on the network. - Would you like to hear what the problem is first? I hate to dwell on the negative. We like
960227 -- databases.
960228 -- You haven't heard what the problem is yet; how can you recommend building a database to solve it? - We always build a database. And we'll need coffee mugs for the project team. - The *problem* is that we have poor processes. That could be the
960228 -- slogan on our mugs!
960229 -- Dogbert, I need you to facilitate some meetings. What kind of meetings? - We're creating a process to fix our product development process. But first we're having some preplanning meetings... - ...to decide a project name. How about "Death
960229 -- Spiral"?
960301 -- I've been asked to facilitate this meeting. I alone will determine who can speak. - I'd like to begin with a raw display of my power. You may not speak. - Hey, Wally... Did you ever hear of a thing called exercise?
960302 -- I think you'll agree that this meeting went smoothly with me as facilitator. - The breakthrough was when I realized I was the only one here with anything valuable to say. - Let's have a moment of silence to honor me for my brilliant work
960302 -- despite being surrounded by dolts.
960303 -- I want you to interview the new candidate for engineering. Don't reveal any ugly truths. - At this company we're dedicated to the principle of employee empowerment, Jennifer. - The "Principle of employee empowerment"? - Uh-oh. Why would you
960303 -- have a special phrase for something like that? - If you could really make decisions on your own it would never occur to you to invent a phrase for it. - My shields are down...a hull breach is imminent... - Just don't tell me you have "Quality
960303 -- Teams". RUN FOR IT, JENNIFER!!! IT'S TOO LATE FOR ME BUT YOU CAN SAVE YOURSELF!!! RUN!!! Whoa! Hull breach. Any survivors? One. I had to jettison my dignity but she made it to the escape pod.
960304 -- Add an executive summary to the approval page. - Keep it simple. Our executives don't understand as much about technology as I do. - How could they know less than you do? You haven't figured out how to make your car go uphill. Wrong; I got AAA
960304 -- road service.
960305 -- I have to turn this fifty-page proposal into a one-paragraph executive summary for our CEO.- It's impossible. Simple. - How about "Give us three million dollars so we can buy cool technology, pump up our resumes and escape this festering boil
960305 -- you call a company"? - I feel obligated to say something about our customers. How about "I'm glad I'm not one of them."
960306 -- Could you do a demo of the new product for our VP next week? - Well...that would delay the ship date, lower morale and create an unending demand for more unproductive demos... - Logically, since your objective is to show that we're doing
960306 -- valuable work... And we'll need a banner that says "Quality."
960307 -- We had to cut some corners to get the demo ready this soon. - Wally is under the table. He'll pretend to be the 3-D interface that we could build if we weren't doing useless demos. - He's a little fuzzy. Can you adjust it? Try the electric
960307 -- shaver.
960308 -- Our new VP is coming. Is the demo of our holographic interface ready? - Everything should be fine...unless we're suddenly visited by the dark angel of product demos... - Hello-o-o Wally. Did somebody say "Demo"? I'm Dilbert; loyal peon.
960309 -- We planned a dazzling demo for you, but as you can see we're visited by the dark angel of demos. - The demo is a sham. Their product is doomed. Cut their funding before your name is associated with it. - The worst is over. Look at some of the
960309 -- pictures the "boys" store on the file server ..
960310 -- Mysteries revealed How do ceiling tiles damaged? - It begins with a lowly engineer who makes a technology decision. - Th engineer writes up his recommendation. Ten pages. - The boss summarizes it for the executive director. One-page summary. -
960310 -- The executive director summarizes it for the vice president. Three bullet points... - The VP summarizes it for the president. Nice necktie. Thanks. Have some stock options. - The president sees a CNN report and makes a technology decision.
960310 -- Interactive holograms are hot! Get me some of that! - The engineer is assigned to justify the president's technology decision. He took that well. Ouch!
960311 -- Wally and I came up with a great new product idea! - Inspiration alert in effect!! DANGER! NEW IDEA! - State your idea now Crush-o-matic Um, you tell him.
960312 -- If this company won't use our product idea let's quit and start our own business! - Why quit? We can run our new company from our cubicles and get paid too. - Wouldn't that be immoral? That's only an issue for people who aren't already in hell.
960313 -- It has come to my attention that some employees are running side businesses from their cubicles. Really?? - I don't want to see any signs of that in my department. Fair enough. What about "Yellow Pages" ads? Software outlet Sale Palms read $25
960313 -- Shoe world Walbert Inc.
960314 -- Ratbert, we'd like you to to be the director of marketing for the company we're starting. Okay! What do I do? - Be as annoying and illogical as you can. We'll whack you in the head with balled-up socks to make you shut up. - It's definitely
960314 -- better to be an owner than an employee. Let's link his salary to earnings! Hee hee!
960315 -- The business plan for your start-up is idiotic but I'm going to provide the venture capital funding anyway. - We'll generate lots of media hype, go public and make millions by shafting greedy and ignorant investors. - The latin word for "Close
960315 -- your eyes and open your mouth" is "prospectus." This is exactly why I'm afraid of dogs.
960316 -- Wally and I started our own company. We're selling the product that you said nobody wants. Soon we will be rich. - We do our victory jig in your face. Ba-bum - When he showed you your employment agreement - where you gave all patent rights to
960316 -- this company - what part of the jig were you doing? Turbo mooning. Sob
960317 -- I have an ethical question, Dogbert. I'm here to help. - Is it better to give customers a low quality product in a timely fashion... - Or is it better to lie about product availability until the bugs are fixed? - I will need my assistant,
960317 -- Ratbert, to address your ethical question. Snap - Let's say Ratbert is a trusting and innocent customer. - Suppose somebody abuses his trust like this... Smack - - How does this relate to my situation? To be honest, I wasn't listening to you.
960318 -- Hey, everybody. Meet our new intern, Asok. - I hope this one's sturdier than the last one. - My staple remover is broken. Somebody toss that intern to me!
960319 -- Asok the intern As an intern, your assignments won't be as glamorous as mine, but you'll gain experience. - Dilbert, I need a status report on the mouse pad inventory. - See? My assignment has the word "status" built right in. Danger! Alert!
960320 -- Asok the intern Asok, come quickly! It's an emergency! - You must crawl through the jeffries tube and shut down the furnace before it fries us all! - Today young Asok learns that life is *not* like "Star Trek." I'm stuck. Spank the intern 50
960320 -- cent
960321 -- I want everyone to prepare a presentation for the executive review board. Urgent. - What's that smell? Yes!!! ... It's the scent of unnecessary work for a meeting that will be cancelled. Sniff Sniff - Did you smell the unnecessary work? We can
960321 -- ignore it! It's like popcorn for the soul. Urgent
960322 -- Why aren't you slaving away, preparing for the executive review board meeting? - I have the male "work avoidance chromosome." I can detect unnecessary work, thereby avoiding it. - We *all* have to be ready to present something! Could you hold
960322 -- it down? I'm trying to sleep.
960323 -- I don't believe man have a special chromosome to tell them which assignments are a waste of time. We do. - I will test the theory on young Asok the intern. Mmm...the sweet smell of unnecessary work. - Maybe men are more perceptive than you'd
960323 -- think. She's aroused. I'll make my move.
960324 -- Here's the analysis you asked for... I worked all night. - But you said this was vital for your meeting today so I know it was worth the effort. - This is excellent work, Alice. - A rare compliment; it was all worthwhile. MMM - I'll use it
960324 -- as backup material. - Backup?!! Nobody looks at backup material! - I'm going to grab your pointy hair, yank you out of that cheap suit and fling your naked body down the hall. - She's always irritable the week before her performance review
960324 -- cycle. Her distance improved this year. Ow
960325 -- At long last our product is complete. It ships tomorrow. - That's terrific. I only have a few additional features to add and the marketing department will be happy. Okay - I believe that our customers want hardware, not software. It's
960325 -- times like these when I wish I were a psychopath. You're not?
960326 -- I want you three to write the department newsletter. It's an important, high-profile assignment. - I am an experienced technical writer. You have placed me on a project with an intern and a rodent. - *My* next raise will depend on *their*
960326 -- performance. I'll do the sports page! I'll be the topless model on page two.
960327 -- Let's get one thing straight before we start writing the department newsletter... - I'm an experienced technical writer. You are an intern and a rat, respectively. Therefore I will be the editor. - I have no skills whatsoever. Therefore
960327 -- I'll be the executive editor. Is "publisher" taken?
960328 -- At the risk of dying from boredom, I must interview you for the department newsletter. - Let me give you some background before I talk about my project... - "The project is good." quipped the engineer. ...so there I am in my mom's
960328 -- fallopian tube...
960329 -- Wally, I'm hoping you'll agree to write about your project for the newsletter... - And in the grand tradition of engineering, I expect you'll give this the lowest priority, thus making me despise you. - So...are you saying you don't
960329 -- despise me *now*? WE ARE *NOT* HAVING A "MOMENT" HERE!
960330 -- Performance Review Your main accomplishment was the department newsletter which was both uninteresting and unimportant. You get no raise. - The newsletter was *your* idea, and it's boring because most of the articles are contributed by my
960330 -- idiotic coworkers. - You don't seem to understand the value of teamwork. I understand its value; it just cost me a two-percent raise.
960331 -- It's my honor to present this special bonus check to Barry. - That's you. *My* name is Barry?? - This is for working hundreds of hours of overtime. - While you quitters were going home by 9pm every night... - Barry remained at work staring at
960331 -- his computer for hours. - It's important to recognize extra effort. - Burp Sadly, that's the end of the special bonus budget for the year. - In retrospect, I shouldn't have told Barry that his screen saver is an epic miniseries.
960401 -- In an effort to boost sales, laptop computers have been given to every member in the sales force. - That could be a problem, given the recent cuts in the training budget. - Meanwhile, in the field And if you order today, I'll throw in this
960401 -- rectangular plastic thing.
960402 -- I wish I had an ivy league degree so I could be promoted to vice president. You don't need one. - It's impossible to be a vice president without one. I'll bet $100 I can turn a rat into a vice president. - That was good, but try saying it as
960402 -- though your soul just abandoned your body. - "We've reorganized to focus on our core competency."
960403 -- Remember everything t taught you, Ratbert. - If you can pass yourself off as a corporate vice president, I'll win my bet. - Yo, headcount! If you have any issues, put together an action plan. Our people are the best. Don't spend money. - Do you
960403 -- think he's really a vice president? Maybe. But I'm not ready to rule out "annoying rodent" yet. Quality.
960404 -- Mister Ratbert, I don't think I can hire a rat to be our vice president of marketing. - You need experience in the technology industry. - I spent a week in a dumpster at Procter and Gamble. - Close enough! Welcome to the team! I'll bring some
960404 -- cronies with me. They're flies.
960405 -- I had years of valuable experience as a rodent before I became vice president of marketing. - My marketing plan is simple. Each of you will cling to the leg of a technology columnist until we get some good press. - It looks like yours is full.
960405 -- You can cling to the cat until a space opens.
960406 -- I quit my job as vice president of marketing... - I was losing my scruples...becoming unscrupulous. Yes, I learned a valuable lesson about scruples. - And that lesson would be? It's fun to say "scruples."
960407 -- Go home, Dilbert. Relax! You're working too hard! - You told me to finish this by tomorrow. You said it's urgent. - Relax! Go home! Shoo! - Suddenly Dilbert is sucked into the "Boss Zone" where time and logic do not apply. - How can I relax
960407 -- *and* do urgent work at the same time? - Work smarter, not harder. AAEEII!! - Mercifully, the angel of cynicism appears. Slap something together in the morning. He won't look at it anyway. - The inspirational moral... Freedom's just another
960407 -- word for not caring about the quality of your work!
960408 -- The executive review board meeting is canceled. I hope you didn't work too hard preparing for it. - Must..control fist...of...death... Unlike Alice, I saw it coming and did not work whatsoever. - Did you see *that* coming? What does this do to
960408 -- headcount?
960409 -- Stupid machine, you've taken my coins and with them my sunny disposition. Soda - THERE'S NOTHING LEFT TO GIVE!!! YOU'VE TAKEN IT ALL!!! - Okay, you got my dignity and my career, too...but I am drawing the line *here*, buster!
960410 -- Catbert the H.R. director This report says you went nuts at a vending machine because it took your money. - The company used to offer counseling in these cases. But we found it was more economical to apply the death penalty. - WHAT?! HOW IS
960410 -- THAT POSSIBLE? I'm not sure yet. You're too big for the microwave oven...
960411 -- Today was a bad day. First the vending machine stole my money... - ...and by the end of the day I have been sentenced to death by the director of human resources... - I've become totally desensitized to tragic news! The execution is scheduled
960411 -- for tomorrow. I should call in sick.
960412 -- Dogbert versus Catbert I understand you've sentenced Dilbert to death. Is that a problem? - My assistant, Bob the dinosaur, will now demonstrate how to give a cat a "fur wedgie." - I've been pardoned. Somehow they lost the paperwork ordering my
960412 -- execution. It probably fell into a crack.
960413 -- The internal job postings are out. Here's a job I love. - "Experience required: The candidate must be a guy named Eric, potbellied, nearsighted, must drive a red Ford Bronco." - They might have someone in mind already. If I squint...and leave
960413 -- my "control top" pantyhose at home...
960414 -- Dogbert would like to speak with you about the changes you made to my engineering proposal. - While Dogbert was getting his masters degree in electrical engineering... - You were majoring in art history so you could look at pictures of naked
960414 -- statues. - Dilbert often contributes articles to technology publications. - You, on the other hand, rub those same publications with a nickel, looking for hidden "Scratch and Sniff" panels. - In summary... - NEVER QUESTION AN ENGINEER'S
960414 -- OPINION, YOU THUNDERING MORON! - Nicely done, but I wouldn't have said "thundering." What were you drinking when you wrote this piece of crud?!!
960415 -- Alice, you've been working eighteen hours a day. I realized I must add a person to the effort. - So I hired a night shift manager. After I go home at five o'clock he'll take over and ask why you're behind schedule. - I like my status reports
960415 -- rendered in 3-D, but don't spend a lot of time on it-
960416 -- This dog is specially trained to detect wasted resources. - He'll help me find out why your project is behind schedule even after adding me as manager. sniff sniff - We'll begin as soon as he's done playing around.
960417 -- Oh my! This is shocking! What? - 40% of all sick days taken by your staff are Fridays and Mondays! - What kind of idiot do they think I am? Not an idiot savant. They can do math.
960418 -- It has come to my attention that 40% of all sick days are on Fridays and Mondays. This is unacceptable. HA HA HA!!! THAT'S A GOOD ONE!!! - Please tell me he was kidding. Welcome to hell, kid.
960419 -- I can make your employees more creative and spiritually fulfilled. - I use my special blend of poetry and dance to touch their souls. Okay. You're hired. - There once was a dog with a hat... Who got paid to dance like that... Hey! My soul just
960419 -- healed!
960420 -- Have my poems and dances healed your soul yet, Alice? The company cares about your total well being. Excuse me. - WE WANT MORE MONEY, NOT DANCING DOGS!!! M-O-N-E-Y!! - So you're saying those primal screams are healthy? Can you teach me to do
960420 -- it? Here's my invoice - Go wild.
960421 -- Yo, Dil-man! Uh-oh, it's Ken from sales. - I told our biggest customers how great our next product will be. - Now nobody will buy our current product. - When will the new version be available? In a year or two. - - Hmm... I seem to have
960421 -- single-handedly destroyed an entire product line. - Luckily our biggest competitor is hiring sales people. And I'm betting *they'll* have brisk sales this year! Commissions galore! - If there's justice in the world, the idiots will be
960421 -- punished... - ...before they get promoted. Um...we need the new version by Tuesday.
960422 -- Catbert, H.R. Director Wally, it might not seem fair that new employees are paid more than you... - But you could always quit and then reapply for your old job at a higher salary. - I just might do that!! Would you mind rubbing this catnip all
960422 -- over your body first?
960423 -- So I'm thinking I'll resign, then I'll reapply for my current job at a higher salary. - That's a good plan except for the fact that you're thoroughly unqualified for your current job. - I need to share some unrealistic plans with a friend who
960423 -- isn't an engineer. I'm more of a co-worker than a friend, per se.
960424 -- And that's the marketing plan. Any comments? - It appears to be a bunch of obvious generalities and wishful thinking with no apparent business value. - Marketing didn't turn out to be the glamour career I expected. - I circled all the words you
960424 -- won't find in any dictionary.
960425 -- Experiment #1: I am exposing a rat to my company's marketing plan. - He seems to have no adverse response to the introduction and background. - This is already far more exposure than humans could tolerate. Sales Projections... Brain Tumor...
960425 -- Get Tylenol...
960426 -- Here's my time sheet, including guesses for the next two days so I can meet your arbitrary clerical deadline. - If anything important comes up, I'll ignore it to preserve the integrity of the time-reporting system. - Are you finished annoying
960426 -- me yet? According to my timesheet I'll be here for another 14 minutes.
960427 -- I got myself a little work-avoidance device. - If I want to leave a meeting early, I just look down and say "Uh-oh" and scurry away. - What's the pager number in case I need you? You're not quite grasping the concept here, Alice.
960428 -- Great news! The company set a new record for profits! - That means T-Shirts for everyone! - You can choose from sizes "small," "petite" or "elfin." - Shouldn't these have the company name or logo on them? Hey, that's an idea for next year!! -
960428 -- It's 1% cotton, 99% "miscellaneous" and all hand-made by authentic slave laborers. - That's great! With slave labor you don't have the problem that the shirts made on Fridays aren't as good! - Do you ever worry that our career expectations have
960428 -- gotten too low? - Don't go there, Alice. "Casual day," here I come!
960429 -- Catbert, H. R. Director I've come to give you "employee orientation," Wally. - You still have a glimmer of hope. You'll have to watch this mandatory training video. - So, you still have hope... Relax...let it go.
960430 -- I'm pleased to announce another banner week of accomplishments! - I streamlined the business processes while honing my participatory style and my proactive attitude, all while valuing diversity! - You watched the mandatory training videos? And
960430 -- I lost my free will!
960501 -- I just watched the mandatory video on sexual harassment. It worked! - In only thirty minutes, that video corrected a billion years of evolution. Do something sexy and watch me ignore it! - I probably shouldn't have fast-forwarded through the
960501 -- boring parts.
960502 -- Here's your problem. The connection to the network is broken. - Uh-oh. It's a "Token Ring" LAN. That means the token fell out and it's in this room someplace. - You are the wind beneath my wings. I'll wait a week then tell him the token must be
960502 -- in the "Ethernet."
960503 -- We have to eliminate a few steps in order to hit the marketing window. - I think we can get rid of market research an technical testing. They're basically "overhead." - Gone! Now we'll hit the market window! ...Like a bird.
960504 -- Here are my budget estimates for the year. - Thanks to management bungling and indecision, I plan to use no capital for several months followed by a reckless year-end orgy of acquisition. - Is that what you were looking for? Tell me again what
960504 -- "capital" is.
960505 -- I need to move you one cubicle down. Why? - That way people will be in a square pattern. - You're in a random pattern now. The symmetry is bad. - You want me to waste two days of work to move... - I'll have no phone and no network
960505 -- connection for a week... - I'll have to order new business cards and update my cubicle address on dozens of records. - And you still won't have a *square* because there are *five* of us. - I got downsized. Apparently somebody complained
960505 -- that I formed a pentagon. That can happen.
960506 -- This week I kicked off the "Wally Compensation Equilibrium Project." - My goal is to lower the quality of my work until it is consistent with my salary. - I hate the first month after they see their raises. I'd go on, but I just achieved
960506 -- equilibrium.
960507 -- Catbert, the evil director of human resources We're moving to "Cafeteria Style" benefits. - Under this system, if you need health care, you wander through the cafeteria asking "Does anybody know what this red lump is?" - What if it's a
960507 -- life-threatening problem? That reminds me, the cafeteria won't be labeling the entrees anymore.
960508 -- I'm going to try my paw at being a career counselor. - Insecure people will seek my advice and I'll tell them to be more self-reliant. - That sounds lazy and unhelpful. Would you want career advice from somebody who has to work hard?
960509 -- Dogbert, Career Counselor You can't expect your employer to take care of you forever, Wally. - Don't expect raises, don't expect to be trained and don't expect a pension. - That's depressing. I need a sourball. Those are marbles wrapped
960509 -- in cellophane.
960510 -- Dogbert, Career Counselor According to your occupational preference test, you like to remove vital organs from helpless people. - That narrows the career choices to doctor or serial killer. Do you get along with other people? - Other
960510 -- people are insignificant insects. - We'll have to go a to a tie-breaker question.
960511 -- Dogbert, Career Counselor I'm a low technical writer now, but my goal is to become a famous novelist. - My plan is to write witty and scathing E-Mail messages about co-workers until a publisher gives me an advice. - They might expect you
960511 -- to write a book at some point. BLOOD SUCKERS!
960512 -- I'd like you all to meet our new vice president in charge of cost containment. - My first priority is to reduce our spiraling expenses for office supplies. - From now on, your supply cabinet will be locked. - The only key will be under
960512 -- the control of your bitter an inefficient secretary. Questions? - I am only an intern so please excuse this naive question... - I've noticed that the employees are all dispirited hollow shells, management is random and our products are
960512 -- shoddy. - How are you going to solve that by making it hard to get supplies? - I thought you said they like honesty. Ask how much he's paid. It shows you care.
960513 -- The company announced we're being bought by our long-time rival. - Don't worry about layoffs. They like engineers. In fact, they already have a division that does what we do! - Except they're younger and the aren't paid as much as we
960513 -- are... Spin
960514 -- After the merger, we'll reduce staff in areas that are redundant. - I hope the employees of this company will be evaluated fairly compared to those in the buying company. - We already have a bald guy. Does yours steal office furniture,
960514 -- too?
960515 -- I'm paralyzed with fear because of the pending merger. - Thanks to your leadership I've gone from being unmotivated to being inert. - I think I'm advancing to the next phase. Hello, Rigor Mortis!! Take me, I'm ready!! It might be time for
960515 -- a morale-boosting potluck lunch.
960516 -- In the "due diligence" phase of our merger you will give us access to all of your proprietary information. - Wouldn't that let you know how to crush us completely? Couldn't you cancel the merger and take our customers without paying a
960516 -- cent? - Must...contain...maniacal...laugh...
960517 -- "Due Diligence" before the merger You must reveal your secrets so my company knows what it's buying. - All of our projects are doomed. Most of the good employees left. Our customers are starting a class action suit... - At least the
960517 -- building is worth something. If you feel a tickle, that's asbestos.
960518 -- With all this talk of "diversity" there's no mention of the pain we smart creatures endure while surrounded by dolts.  -Good point. I don't know how we do. - It looks like I'll have to hold secret meetings. Yeah, our lives are a constant
960518 -- struggle.
960519 -- Dogbert's Dream Analysis - I was in a big field full of Tofu and Carburetors. - It means you're a gullible moron. That's $25 please. - Then I was running, running, running against the wind. That means you're ugly. - Then the butterfly
960519 -- turned into an opera singer. That means you're bald. - Suddenly I saw a new algorithm for data compression. It means you're boring. - Then I told the car dealer I wanted the anti-rust sealant, the extended warranty and the lease option. -
960519 -- What do you think it means? It means I'm going to make some serious money today.
960520 -- It has always been my goal to become supreme ruler of earth... - But lately, I've been wondering if you dolts are worthy of my leadership. - Do you think maybe is your ego out of control, Dogbert? I like it that way.
960521 -- Our new policy forbids the use of weapons or any violence in the workplace. - Ummm...what was the policy before this? - I'm not sure... Maybe if you had a permit and it was season. There goes another company benefit.
960522 -- Alice, these unsightly stacks of papers are a violation of my "clean desk" policy. Alice - - ...And don't even get me started about the ergonomics of *this* situation. Wally
960523 -- Yesterday I was lying in a sun spot thinking about how you work, work, work but your net worth remains constant. - HA HA HA HA HA HA!! - Well... I guess you had to be there.
960524 -- I had a cat once... Soda - I petted that thing for two hours but I didn't feel any better. - Petting is for the benefit of the cat, not your hand. They're so selfish.
960525 -- A TWO PERCENT ANNUAL RAISE?!! WOWEE!! - Ha ha! You tried to disappoint me but I compensated by drastically lowering my expectations! - Yeah, it *might* be a good sign, but I'm thinking not. WEEEE!!
960526 -- BUSINESS LANGUAGE EXPLAINED - "We have to be more competitive" Meaning: Say goodbye to salary increases. Nice barrel. This old thing? - "We must focus on our core business." Meaning: We can't find our butts with both hands. Hello. - "You
960526 -- are empowered." Meaning: You're the monarch of unimportant decisions. I proclaim this to be "green ink day." - "We're reengineering your function." Meaning: Adios, Tonto, and the horses you rode in on. - "Training is essential." Meaning:
960526 -- We're trying to hire some trained people. You were a cannibal? I'm a people person. - "We're market driven." Meaning: We blame customers for our lack of innovation. What's your favorite odor? Research - "We value employee input." Meaning:
960526 -- We think humor is important. Thanks for listening. HA HA HA!
960527 -- He slips in like a panther to take the last cup of coffee and not make more. - I AM PHIL, THE PRINCE OF INSUFFICIENT LIGHT! I DARN YOU TO HECK!!! Phil? - You were always Mom's golden boy. Somebody brought potato salad. Give me your spoon.
960528 -- Mom wanted me to be a manager like you. But I chose my own path. - I became Phil, the ruler of heck, the punisher of minor sins! How do you make money? - Corporate sponsorship. "Procter and Gamble" pays me to stay away from them. You
960528 -- should sell a line of home-exercise spoons.
960529 -- This is Phil, ruler of heck, with a special offer for my patented "Exerspoon." - You can do over seven million exercises with the "Exerspoon." It even trims problem areas! - And thanks to the innovative spoon shape, storage is a breeze!
960529 -- MMM...
960530 -- I need this information today. Plus a complete analysis of the alternatives. - CRINKLE CRINKLE STUFF - That wasn't nice. - In today's lesson, you learn that you're my co-worker, not my boss.
960531 -- Wally, I need your input on this by the end of the day. - Please drop your request here, in "Wally's pile of perpetual ignorage." - Can' I just give it to you? I don't like to touch that stuff with my hands.
960601 -- When Dilbert comes by, tell him to add "walk the talk" to his presentation. - He wants you to use a "Walkie-Talkie" to do the presentation. - Um...Did he say why? - Hey, look at my paycheck! I just realized *I* don't get paid the big
960601 -- bucks!
960602 -- My next victim. - I am Phil, the prince of insufficient light and supreme ruler of heck!! Hi, Phil. - You must choose one of these two hideous fates to pay for your sins. - You can choose eternal high pay, but all of your work will be burned
960602 -- in front of you at the end of each day... - Or you can choose eternal poverty, but your work will be useful and appreciated. - WOW! They're *both* better than my current job! - Hey, Wally, you might want to get on this! - I watch TV when
960602 -- I'm supposed to be telecommuting. DO me first! I hate the nineties.
960603 -- Halt and submit the the mind scan of "Brainitor, the guardian of security." - The bag contains one computer..."Pentium" processor...One gig hard drive...Highly fragmented... - Please wait while I optimize your hard disk... This is vaguely
960603 -- unsettling.
960604 -- Do you see "Time" as a sequence of discrete events or simply as a line of perception through infinite possibilities? - I see "Time" as more of a magazine. - You know these moments we have together. We really must have them less often. Ask
960604 -- me about "Life."
960605 -- Although we are nothing but pond scum in this company... - It's nice to know we can still find someone of lower status to torment. - You call these brochures? How can I even consider buying products from a "Ven-Duh" such as you? Tell me if
960605 -- it hurts.
960606 -- Tormenting the vendor You must do our bidding, vendor. We control your economic future. - Of course, our buying will be based solely on quantifiable performance measurements. - Your competitor completed the "Vendor challenge course" in 37
960606 -- seconds. And he gave us *very* nice T-Shirts!
960607 -- Dilbert, I found your father. He's been at the "All you can eat" restaurant in the mall since 1989. - He's so literal - He doesn't want to leave until it was "All he could eat." - When's he coming home? I'm thinking of joining him. He got
960607 -- a booth.
960608 -- I can't believe your father has been living in the "All you can eat" restaurant since 1989! - You have the oddest family. What did he look like when you saw him after all these years? - I haven't seen him yet. I'm waiting for "Burrito
960608 -- Night." - Now is when you should be saying "just kidding."
960609 -- Where's Dogbert? - Uh-oh. - Are you gullible? Do you spend money on stupid stuff? - Call the "Dogbert gullible friends hotline" for help. Only four dollars per minute. - Hello, Dogbert. I bought an exercise machine and I'm still lazy. -
960609 -- Please hold. Okay! - Call now, and I'll replace  your old television with a new one that looks just like it, while you sleep! - If you don't have a touch tone phone, stay on the line...until you get one.
960610 -- These are some of the advanced materials I'm designing at work. That jar holds a pyrophoric substance. Let's see. - FLASH - Yep, that's a good batch. - A person from a smarter gender might have said "What does 'pyrophoric' mean?"
960611 -- The Dogbert Consulting Company will help us design a new company logo. - Glug Glug Glug - When will you start? I just finished. I call it the brown ring of quality.
960612 -- Your new logo might look like a simple coffee stain, but what does the image say about you? - We're sloppy and unimaginative? We give lots of money to consultants and get little in return? - Wow. This is almost *TOO* good. - Ooh Ooh! How
960612 -- about "our opinions don't matter"?
960613 -- Our objectives are unclear and our mission statement is gibberish... - but thanks to an artificial sense of urgency, I'm working harder then ever! - What's the good news you said you have? Apparently I'm insane. But I'm one of the happy
960613 -- kinds!
960614 -- This company makes perfect sense, now that I'm insane. - For example, it might seem as though we're woefully understaffed, but I can compensate by working smarter not harder. - Hey, if I'm capable of working smarter, the why do I work
960614 -- *here*? The healing has begun.
960615 -- Dilbert, I notice you've been looking depressed lately. - Here's a prescription for an antidepressant drug. Be sure to exercise regularly and don't skip meals. - What makes you think you're qualified to diagnose my mental health?!! I'd
960615 -- better double it.
960616 -- Dilbert, I've decided to downsize you. - It's nothing personal, just an economic necessity. - I calculated how much your salary was dragging down the value of my stock options. - Without you, I can afford to go to the movies one additional
960616 -- time per year. - And let's face it: recreation is important when one has a stressful job. - Hey, why don't you downsize Wally instead. You'll save enough in office supplies to buy popcorn too. Sheesh! - Mmm. - How'd it go? You know that
960616 -- team-building exercise we did last week? I didn't take.
960617 -- The status of my action is 50% done. - Specifically, I finished the item part but not the action. - Do you have an estimate for when the action will be done? Yes, and that estimate is 100% complete!
960618 -- 10 injury free days - BAM! AAAEEII!! R-R-ROLL THUD - This is very ironic. No, it was ironic when it happened eleven days ago.
960619 -- Some idiot stood on a chair and fell off. - Now we all have to take twelve hours of chair safety training. - Is that a "Do" or "Not Do"?
960620 -- Carol, I asked you to enroll me in the quality college, but the confirmation says clown college. - It's a prerequisite course. - This is gonna cost me on secretaries day. I hope it's okay to be an angry clown.
960621 -- I was going to get the "bus of steel" video but I'm making excellent progress without it. - When they say steel, it refers to hardness, not weight. - I *knew* it seemed to easy. Stay away from large magnets.
960622 -- The only employee suggestions that get accepted are the ones that are harmless and stupid. - I submitted some stupid ideas to test my theory. - Suggestion: Replace all #2 pencils with #4 pencils. The hard lead lasts longer yet costs the
960622 -- same. That could work.
960623 -- I won't always be around to be your mentor, Asok, . So I've captured all of my career wisdom in this software, which I call the "Automentor." - Automentor, how can I achieve job satisfaction? - Try giving yourself a massage is your cubicle. -
960623 -- Automentor, how can I make sure my accomplishments get noticed? - That's not a problem at this company; nobody accomplishes anything. - Should I look for a new job? - Too late. They don't call this place the "resume stain" for nothing. - How do
960623 -- you handle all the hopelessness? - I give it to the new guy.
960624 -- Here's a draft of my new objectives. I tried to make them achievable. - "No matter how stupid my co-workers are, I will not punch a hole into anyone's torso, rip out a vital organ and keep it in my cubicle as a warning to others." - I hope she
960624 -- gets those objectives approved. YES! IT'S MEASURABLE!
960625 -- I could sit here doing nothing. - Or I could implement a bold quality initiative with the help of my talented and energetic coworkers. - I crack me up.
960626 -- What exactly is the Dogbert Day Care Concept? - Progressive companies can provide day care without spending a bundle. - Wouldn't we spend a fortune on duct tape? It's reusable unless it gets slobbered on.
960627 -- Alice, I need to gather some requirements before designing the company child care facility. - Do you mind if your children spend the day sewing garments in a windowless room full of illegal aliens? I mind. - I'll put you down as maybe. Would I
960627 -- get discounts on those garments?
960628 -- Here's my final plan for the company's day care facility. - I call it free range day care. The children are allowed to roam free among the cubicles. It's very economical. - I don't believe he's really an evil troll. Look at the "Powerpoint"
960628 -- slides he's making. It's not human.
960629 -- The results of the employee satisfaction survey are in. Scores for my department are dismal. - I'm assigning you to the satisfaction task force until the problem is solved. - Please...anything but that... How satisfied are you *now*?
960630 -- I call my invention the D-Chip Television Filter. I feel safer already. - It screens out any show with violence. - There goes the news, sports and dramas. - It also gets rid of shows that feature dishonesty or sexual innuendos. - Goodbye comedy
960630 -- and commercials. Let's hook it up. - All we're getting is weather reports. - A huge tornado ripped through the Beep ssssssssss - It works! The evil can't get to us now, Dogbert. Unhook that #!*% thing or I'll rip off your leg and beat you to
960630 -- death with it.
.....
960704 -- In the short time you've worked in quality assurance, you've found a huge number of flaws in out prototype. That's my job! - You're jeopardizing our schedule. The entire project will fail and it's all *your* fault. Why is it *my* fault? - If a
960704 -- tree falls in the forest...and we've already sold the tree...does it have quality? How many angels can dance on your hand?
960705 -- Let's have a little premeeting to prepare for the meeting tomorrow. - Whoa! Do you think it's safe to jump right into the premeeting without planning it? - Okay, let's get this preliminary premeeting meeting going. You think you're funny, but
960705 -- you're not.
960706 -- I couldn't help noticing the bugs in the program on this old diskette you threw away. - I fixed the bugs and tightened the code from twelve thousand lines to sixteen. - It took me three months to write that program. I took the liberty of
960706 -- updating your resume. I'm guessing you'll need it soon.
960707 -- I'll be writing your performance review this afternoon. - But this morning  I'm helping my daughter sell cub girl cookies. - For your shopping convenience, I have assigned a name to each volume level. - Zero to four boxes is the "downsizer"
960707 -- volume... - Five to eight boxes is the "low performer" level. - Let's say six hundred boxes Ahh... The "fast tracker." An excellent choice. - What's your daughter's name? Ooh...gotta go. - I only bought twelve boxes. - Now I'm the "united way"
960707 -- chairperson. I just signed your name for six hundred more..
960708 -- Someday when I become the supreme ruler of earth... - I'll order everybody to go outside once a day and run around with their mouths open. - Because you support fresh air and exercise? Because I hate flies.
960709 -- Thanks for making that product mock-up last week. The customer liked it so much that he ordered a thousand! - That was a *mockup*! We don't make that product yet. It would take three years to make one. - Just give me a thousand mock-ups. The
960709 -- first one was terrific! The mock-up was our competitor's product with duct tape over the logo.
960710 -- I'll need your full management support in this meeting with sales. Just watch the master work. - I promised a customer a product that we don't make. You need to engineer-up a thousand units by early next week. Is Thursday okay? - Wait until he
960710 -- finds out that Thursday isn't "early next week." Hee hee!
960711 -- I'm assigning each of you to a separate "quality" initiative. - Is there any risk this will devour our productive hours, lower our morale and have an impact on our profitability? - And we'll have a contest with a name for the overall
960711 -- initiative. How about "Qualicide"?
960712 -- He's with the other managers in an employee ranking and rating session. - Your salary depends on how well your boss can defend your proposed raise to the other managers. SOB - I'm fairly sure this Dilbert guy works for you. Doesn't ring a bell.
960713 -- Catbert, the evil director of human resources Wally, it's time for your mandatory blood test. - I don't take drugs. I'm testing to see if you're stealing time from the company. - Time? How can you test for that? We test your general health. If
960713 -- it's good, you're not working enough hours. You thief.
960714 ** According to this phone bill, you've been making personal calls. - That's like stealing from the company, Alice. - Must..control..fist...of...death... - I spent eighty cents to tell my family I was working late. - Here's a dollar, the extra
960714 ** twenty cents is for the personal thought that I'm about to have on company time. - MMM - And here's my bill for $40,000 in unpaid overtime that the company stole from me. - That's not stealing; that's being competitive. I think I'll be
960714 ** competitive with a few bushels of office supplies later today.
960715 -- Catbert, the evil director of human resources. According to my sources, you've been enjoying your job, Wally. - It was temporary. I don't know what got into me... Please refer to page one of the employee manual. - "Job satisfaction is the same
960715 -- as stealing from the company." I'll have to charge you for admission unless I start hearing some shrieks of pain.
960716 -- In the year that we've dated, Liz, you've mentioned various problems in your life. - I have compiled those problems into a list of requirements and developed a comprehensive set of solutions. - How thoughtful. I didn't even know I was broken.
960716 -- No, no, not broken... just a bit buggy.
960717 -- Um...when I've shared my feelings with you, I wasn't hoping you'd design an action plan to solve all my problems. - Why else would you tell me all of your problems...unless it's some demented plot to make yourself feel better at my expense? -
960717 -- You were right. It was all a demented plot. I'm trying to gradually lift your veil of ignorance.
960718 -- Our new "recognition program" assigns the names of precious gems to your levels of performance. - The highest level is diamond. You get a new ring at each level. - Are you sure talc is a precious gem? I think I saw it sparkle.
960719 -- As you can see from my ring, I'm a member of the "Talc Club" at work. - With hard work and a bit of luck I will rise to the next level: Shale. - I can honestly say my respect for you has never been higher. Someday, god willing, I'll make it to
960719 -- aluminium.
960720 -- It's time for me to update your objectives, Alice - We need targets that can only be achieved by amazingly hard work plus the constant support of management. - I'm busy, so you'll have to write them yourself. What's wrong with this picture?
960721 -- Dogbert, do you think love is the strongest force in the universe? - No, I'd have to go with stupidity. - Followed closely by its cousin ignorance. - Morning breath is number three. Thanks for reminding me. - Then you've got selfishness, lust,
960721 -- fear, money and luck. - But love is in the top ten, right? - It's fourteenth, right after foolish optimism. - Someone needs his little round back scratched. Do not. - Where's love now? It's down and to the left... LEFT!! LEFT!! LEFT!! Oowahh...
960722 -- Now that job security is a thing of the past, I've noticed that my company loyalty has vanished, too. - And when you made my bonus primarily depend on the blunders of senior management, my motivation fluttered away like a lonely sparrow. - So
960722 -- your point is? - No point. I just didn't have any reason to be working.
960723 -- I may be an ignorant rat, but that's okay because ignorance is...um...um... - *Bliss*...Ignorance is *bliss* - Oh, great. Now it's gone. Oops.
960724 -- I admit I was skeptical when you said I would be empowered to make my own decisions... - But I give you credit. You've let me work indepently for three months... What's that look on your face? - Please tell me that it was empowerment I was
960724 -- experiencing. Did I ever mention that your project was canceled?
960725 -- It looks like we'll release our new product on time, despite its many defects. - We've minimized the economic impact of the defects via an advanced business process called "hoping nobody notices." - And we've doubles our projected income by
960725 -- modifying our assumptions! A lot of this job is mental.
960726 -- Here in the "Dogbert Institute for Advanced Thinking," I have devised a plan for ending poverty. - My plan is to wait until there are so many talk shows on television that all the people with wretched lives can be paid guests. - What about the
960726 -- poor people who don't want to be on talk shows? We'll get the stragglers on "Cops."
960727 -- From now on, I will not try to reason with the idiots I encounter. I will dismiss them by waving my paw and saying "Bah." - Just because someone thinks differently from you doesn't mean he's an idiot, Dogbert. - Bah.
960728 -- The budget trap I need a quick estimate for how much your next project will cost, Wally. - How should I know? You haven't even told me what my next project is. - That's okay. I only need a rough estimate for planning purposes. - I see where
960728 -- this is going. You're going to turn my wild guess into a budget. Later I'll be blamed when it's wrong. - No, no. I won't hold you to these numbers. - Well...Okay, let's say two million dollars. - Oooh...can't afford that. I'll put you down for
960728 -- twenty thousand dollars. - One year later... You're way over budget. Can you show me the cause? It depends. Can mirrors reflect your image?
960729 -- Larry, I'm here to announce my candidacy for supreme ruler of the earth. - That's funny! Tell us about your next movie, Sharon. I'm not Sharon Stone. I said that to get on the show. - So...when I embraced you before the show... I think we're
960729 -- both glad I have no visible mouth.
960730 -- Vote for me and I will reform the tax code so that only idiots have to pay taxes! - YAHOO!! DOGBERT DOGBERT DOGBERT - I hope nobody asks me to define "idiots." ...So, under your plan I wouldn't pay *any* taxes, right?
960731 -- I'm from the association for products that are bad for you. Here's a generous contribution to your campaign. - This is cool! I'll use your money to get elected, then I'll put your entire industry in prison to cover my tracks! - This probably
960731 -- wrecks my chances of being named briber of the month.
960801 -- The votes are in. I've been elected to the position of supreme ruler of earth. - I won in a landslide, thanks to low voter turnout and the fact that I voted for myself many times. - I hope you'll be a benevolent ruler. I think I'll make caning
960801 -- an Olympic event.
960802 -- My dominion over the planet is not widely recognized by the dolts who are breathing my air. - SO I've declared total sovereignty over a small, ever-widening zone surrounding my body. - How big is the zone? You have just entered Dogbert-Land.
960802 -- Pleas show your passport and leave the oxygen alone!
960803 -- If we are to succeed, you must become change masters in an ever-changing, change-adaptive environment. - Let me get this straight...Every change seems to increase our workload while decreasing our job security and real earnings after
960803 -- inflation... - And the problem is *our* lack of flexibility? - Not entirely. There's also your bad morale.
960804 -- Carol, from now on I'd like you to type up all my incoming voice mail so I can just read it. - And print out all of my E-Mail every day so I don't have to log on to the network. - And get me a sandwich from the cafeteria. Ooh, no cash. I'll pay
960804 -- you back. - Do you want me to prechew the sandwich or can you handle that on your own? - Listen up, you overpaid engineers... - By order of our reclusive boss, the new dress code for engineers is bumblebee costumes. - If you don't believe me,
960804 -- send him voice mail and ask for yourself. Oh, and he wants you to buy him a sandwich. - Still no messages this week? Is everybody out sick? I heard they have hives.
960805 -- Tom, you delicious hunk of burning love: if you were in my cubicle right now I'd... - It looks as if I'm working. Nobody can tell that I'm sending steamy E-Mail to my new boyfriend. - Tina, two things: Watch out for the "send to all" address,
960805 -- and thank you very much.
960806 -- I accidentally send my torrid love letter to every person on our E-Mail system. - Should I hide forever or can I count on the professionalism of my co-workers? - We'll complete our "career day" tour with an exhibit that I call "Tina, the
960806 -- red-faced monkey of love." It's hiding.
960807 -- Catbert: Evil HR Director It has come to my attention that you use company resources to send E-Mail to your boyfriend. - I'm willing to overlook this ugly incident in exchange for five minutes of quality petting my soft, furry belly. - This
960807 -- seems so wrong. Try using both hands.
960808 -- It's time to do peer-performance reviews! - Remember, there's a limited budget for raises. Your best strategy is to slander your co-workers so there's more money for you! - I plan to say very nice things about *you*. Nice try, weasel-boy.
960808 -- Managing is easy when you hate the employees.
960809 -- Wally, these peer reviews are like the famous "prisoner's dilemma." - If you rat on me but I say good things about you, you get the biggest raise. But if we praise each other we can *both* get a small raise. - Wally, if you rat him out, I'll
960809 -- let you look at my "Victoria's Secret" catalog. This is exactly why there are no coed prisons.
960810 -- You employees are the key to our success. - Anytime we need a little stock-price boost, we just fire another batch of you. It's like printing money! - In fact, "incompetence" has become our most profitable product. Wow. It beat out "lying to
960810 -- customers."
960811 ** This voice-mail message is for the whole department. - Every morning from now on you'll get my "quality thought of the day." - Today's thought is...um... - Let's see...according to Webster's Dictionary... - Aardwark is a burrowing African
960811 ** mammal that eats ants. What if we were more like that? - I mean like the aardvark, not the ants... - That's weird. Every time I leave my quality thought of the day, the shared printer starts spewing resumes.
960812 -- Catbert: Evil HR director Hey, Wally... Big layoffs coming. - I've seen the list. I know more about your future than you do. But it's a secret. - Sadly, cats don't keep secret very well. Nice chair.
960813 -- We don't do "layoffs" at this company. But *you* have been selected to participate in our mobility pool! - As the name implies, you get to scurry around trying to find a nonexistant internal job before the ax falls. - How's this different from
960813 -- a layoff? With layoffs you get to keep your dignity.
960814 -- I hear you're on the layoff list, Wally. Has anyone claimed your chair, yet? - I claimed it a few minutes ago. LIAR! - I guess it's true what they say about layoffs being hard on the survivors.
960815 -- Dogbert: Career Counselor I was fired once, but I came back as a contract employee. Later I was rehired at a higher salary. - Now I'm being downsized again. Do you think they'll be dumb enough to hire me a third time? - Your story reminds me
960815 -- of the parable of the and and the spider. Really? How? - They're both boring.
960816 -- Dogbert: Career Counselor The company won't lay you off if enough people quit first. - Your best strategy is to convince your co-workers that their jobs are intolerable. - We do this for all the young employees, Asok. I'll capture on video the
960816 -- exact moment that your life force leaves your body.
960817 -- Good news, Wally. Most of our smart employees quit to get much better jobs elsewhere. Now we don't have to do any downsizing. - your job is safe. We need you to do the work of all the people who left. - Is it just me...or is the quality of
960817 -- "good news" really going downhill lately? I'd have to say you're both going downhill.
960818 -- People are getting stupider every day, relatively speaking. - The complexity of the world is increasing geometrically. - But your ability to learn is at the same slow trickle it has allay been. - Information is gushing toward your brain
960818 -- like a firehose aimed at a teacup. - You're at a crossroads in history. Even the smartest among you has become "functionally stupid." - Your only hope is to choose a leader whose vision can penetrate the thick fog of human incompetence. -
960818 -- DOGBERT FOR SUPREME RULER OF EARTH!! - Do you want my opinion? What are the odds of that?
960819 -- I've hit the glass ceiling. I'll never be promoted again. - That's because you're not willing to "play the game." You have to look and act like the person who can promote you. - Ooo-la la! This had better work.
960820 -- My idea is that everyone should be required to use smaller fonts. That way we'll save disk space. - And I've noticed that many people use entire colons in situations where a semicolon would do just fine. - You're right. That was fun. The
960820 -- real fun starts when he describes his new ideas at the next staff meeting.
960821 -- I invented a new data encryption program called P.H.B. which stands for pointy-haired boss. - It converts E-Mail into manager babble. Nobody can intercept and decode my private messages without the key. Who would want to read *your*
960821 -- messages? - Somebody *might* want to read my messages. It could happen! And maybe you should carry pepper spray in case supermodels try to kiss you.
960822 -- I am only a lowly intern, but I see an obvious solution to your problem. - Just click here...Clear your buffers and initialize the link...Now use this code patch for the memory leak. - This is funny if I consider that your salary is twice
960822 -- as much as mine. - I'm laughing on the inside.
960823 -- Asok the intern I came over the weekend and looked at the design you've been working with all year. - It turn out you could have built the unit at half the cost with just one minor change. - Is it true I can win awards for this sort of
960823 -- thing? Fetch the internapult.
960824 -- I'm going to use bad grammar more often. - My leadership will change the language through the principle of common usage. - And I won't stop until the entire language is reduced to a grunting and pointing! BUWAHAHA-HA!! I really got ripped
960824 -- off by that dog obedience school.
960825 -- Our senior vice president will be dropping in today. - Remember to increase your lies accordingly. - And decrease the details you provide. - If I think you're being too informative, I'll signal by fidgeting. - Just say everything is fine,
960825 -- but we need more funding. Here he comes. - Sorry I'm late. How is everyone? - I'm not saying. I'm fine, but I need more funding. I have a wide variety of super powers. - I feel a sudden, urgent need to unload my stock option. Fidget fidget.
960826 -- Catbert the HR director Morale is low because the employees are underpaid. - You can compensate by having more frequent performance reviews. They love feedback. - The hardest part is keeping a straight face. Tell me again why I'd want
960826 -- morale to be high?
960827 -- Good news, Alice. I'm going to have quarterly performance reviews to boost morale. - Wow! In addition to working sixteen hours a day in this big box, now I'll get 300% more criticism! - I'll have a chance to hear employee concerns four
960827 -- times a year. I assume comprehension will remain on the bicentennial plan.
960828 -- At first I thought you committed me to an impossible deadline. But I have a theoretical solution. - It involves flying around the earth so fast I can travel back into the past. - And then you'll have enough time? No, then I'll give you
960828 -- parents this pamphlet on contraception.
960829 -- ...So the salesperson made an idiotic promise to our customer. Now it's *my* job to fix it. The brain is an amazing thing. - Are you saying that if I use the untapped power of my brain, there's a solution? - No, I'm saying my amazing brain
960829 -- filtered out your boring story so I could enjoy my walk.
960830 -- I've become one of those people who misinterprets everything you say. Why? - Why? Are you saying that nothing should ever change? Maybe you shouldn't be so rigid. - This could be very annoying. Maybe you should see a therapist for your
960830 -- emotional problem.
960831 -- I hear you're becoming an annoying person who misinterprets everything. Yes, I'm more assertive. - I said annoying, not assertive. Apology accepted. - Whatever you do, don't climb in this clothes dryer. Yeah, it does look cozy in there.
960901 -- In this two day workshop, you will learn to embrace our company's mission and vision. - At first glance it will appear to be a bunch of useless jargon created bay functionally illiterate executives. - But after we do some mind-numbing
960901 -- group exercises... - ...you'll forget that you're underpaid and you have no job security. - We'll begin by writing down all the things that "ethical behavior" means to you. - I've got a better idea: If you let us leave now, we'll give you
960901 -- high marks on the class evaluation. - Ethical Behavior - Good job. You touched me. You wish.
960902 -- Why do you want a job as our network administrator, Mister Dogbert? - I don't like people. This is a good opportunity to annoy idiots such as yourself for my own entertainment. - Wow. You're perfect. Can you star tomorrow? Sure, as far as
960902 -- you know. I'll give you my pager number.
960903 -- I got hired as the network administrator for your company. - Here's my card. You can only reach me by E-Mail or by pager. - When the network breaks, no E-Mail. I'll just sit around and wag my tail. - Your pager number has a tilde... How do
960903 -- I dial a tilde?
960904 -- Network administrator I have total access to every employee's E-Mail messages. - With a few strategic edits I will transform the office into "Melrose Place." - Yes, Alice... I *will* be your "monkey of love."
960905 -- Network administrator I have forgotten my password. I humbly beg for assistance. - I have no time for boring administrative tasks, you fool! I'm busy upgrading the network! - You could have given me a new password in the time it took to
960905 -- belittle me. Yes, but which option would give me job satisfaction?
960906 -- As network administrator I can take down the network with a keystroke. - AAGH!! WAAA!!! AEEE!! EEEK!! MY WORK!! - It's just like being a doctor but without getting gooky stuff on my paws.
960907 -- The Network administrator Can you program the routers to block employees from all fun web sites? - Why stop here? I can program the routers to block *all* useless activities. How long will that take? - Done. I've seen your business plan.
960907 -- Poink
960908 -- Tina, we need a few minor edits on our product brochure. Minor? Uh-oh... - We've discovered that our product causes hallucinations and sterility. - See if you can put a positive spin on that. - This will be my greatest writing challenge
960908 -- yet. - "Are you tired of the same old sights? We've got you covered." - "...makes a great gift for those people who - in your opinion - should not reproduce." - Ooh.. I feel a tiny pang of conscience. That's one. - So the brochure was only
960908 -- a three-pager? Yeah, and I think I faked the third one.
960909 -- I've hired the "Dogbert Touchy-Feely Institute" to teach us about teamwork. - We'll start with an exercise about trust. I want each of you to sign blank checks and give them to me. - What will this teach us about trust?  It will teach you
960909 -- that trust is an excellent quality for other people to have.
960910 -- Teambuilding exercisee This exercise will build trust. The partner in front will fall. The partner behind will break the fall. - - Okay, maybe trust isn't your biggest problem here. %*#!!*
960911 -- Teambuilding exercise This next exercise will challenge your ability to solve problems as a team. - Build a working sundial using only a pencil and a donut. - Four hours later... One more bite isn't going to make any difference. SOB
960912 -- Teambuilding exercise It's hopeless! You're losers! We'll never make a sundial out of a pencil and an eaten donut! - Hee Hee! All you had to do was stick the pencil in the donut. - We just broke all kinds of union rules. But hey! Look at
960912 -- the shadow from the pencil!
........
960914 -- In today's news, our company has decided to buy another dying company in a business we don't fully understand. - Our stock rose five points on the announcement. - Why does our stock go up every time we do something boneheaded? I like to
960914 -- think of it as our competitive advantage.
960915 -- Mr Catbert, our evil director of human resources, will describe our new cubicle plan. - Last year we reduced the size of cubicles in the densification project. - We didn't save much money, but we did lower morale. - This year we'll build on
960915 -- that success... - With the patented "Head Cubicle." - Hold still, Wally. - And the head cubicle can be recycled after you're downsized! - We really need to draw the line at some point. While we still have our dignity.
960916 -- On weekends I'll feel my pager vibrate...but when I go to check it, I realize I'm not wearing it. - It's a classic case of phantom-pager syndrome. It's common among technology workers. - There's no treatment for it. I don't want to treat
960916 -- it. I want to relocate it.
960917 -- When the year 2000 comes, your computers will think it's the year "00" and cause major problems. - The Dogbert consulting company can fix the problem for only ten million dollars. Our work is guaranteed for one full year, starting today. -
960917 -- But why should I care? The year "00" is before I'm born. Amazing...you'd actually have to be *smarter* to do something *stupid*.
960918 -- Ratbert, your job is to review eighty million lines of computer code in the company's systems. - You're looking for any reference to the current year. Those pieces of code will be a problem when the year is 2000. Gotcha - Six months later
960918 -- I'm happy to report that the date did not show up once. In fact, it was all just zeros and ones! Oops.
960919 -- Here's my invoice for fixing your "Year 2000" computer problems. - AAAEE!!! - ...So his head spun, but *didn't* explode? Yeah. I guess I left some money on the table.
960920 -- Tina the technical writer To insert a column, click the insert column menu. - But let's be honest, userboy, if you need to be told *that*, you're too stupid to use this product. - Have you reviewed the draft yet? I'm up to the chapter
960920 -- titled "Duh."
960921 -- I've got an idea. Let's add a battery backup to our product. - One...Two...Three - I've got an idea. Why don't we add a battery backup to our product? Because our product doesn't use electricity.
960922 -- It's time to use my speakerphone to do voice mail. - I can't remember if I use the speakerphone because I'm inconsiderate or I'm too stupid to know how annoying it is. - I'll leave that question to the philosophers. - HI. THANKS FOR THE
960922 -- INFORMATION. TALK TO YOU LATER!!! - DID I TELL YOU ABOUT MY CYST? Dogbert, send Bob the dinosaur quickly! E-Mail sent - I'm here to deliver a wedgie. Use the service elevator. - Yank! AAEEE!! - What's the best part -- The look on their
960922 -- faces or the way they yell? I'll leave that question to the philosophers.
960923 -- I don't know how to fix any of the problems in this company. Maybe I'll just sit here quietly. - No, that wouldn't look managerly... I'll have to do something idiotic and hope it looks like leadership. - We're going to have an "iron man"
960923 -- team-building competition. What a bunch of leadership...
960924 -- My boss is making the engineers compete in an "iron man" event. It's supposed to improve teamwork. - I'm glad I take the stairs sometimes instead of using the elevator. I'm in pretty good shape. - Yes, you are, to the extent potato is a
960924 -- pretty good shape. I just wrenched a muscle.
960925 -- The first leg of the "iron man" team-building exercise is a ten-mile swim, I think. - I won't be participating because my teamwork skills are already excellent. - Two phrases you don't expect to hear in the same day are "iron man" and
960925 -- "doggie paddle." Hey! No splashing!
960926 -- The team-building exercise Uh-oh...I'm a mile from shore and too exhausted to swim back. - My only hope is that an intelligent dolphin will se my plight and rescue me. - I'm in luck! Two words: Tuna...Net.
960927 -- Some dolphins in my situation would help you get to shore safely. - Others might try to distract you while an accomplice played a cruel joke. - COME BACK WITH MY TRUNKS!!! Let's ask the humming fish to do the "jaws" theme song.
960928 -- ...There I was, naked and exhausted, miles from shore. Dolphins taunted me for hours. - Suddenly a deep sea sport fishing boat happened by. I grabbed the line and held on for my life. Wow! That's lucky. - That's what I thought...until the
960928 -- second time they threw me back in. I meant lucky for them.
960929 -- Groan. Accounting - I saved $500 in airfare by extending my business trip to  Saturday. - Why won't you reimburse me for the Saturday hotel costs? - Saturday was not a business-related activity. - Hmm...let me see if I understand this... - It's
960929 -- not business-related to make sensible economic choices... - But it is business-related to waste money like an ugly, brain-dead troll... - Then he beat me up and took my lunch money. Are you saying I can get free lunch money by beating you up?
960930 -- Catbert, evil HR director I need to hire a programmer for my project team. - Our policy is to first seek candidates from within the company. If none is qualified, you must use a sock puppet. - How many of your policies are designed for the sole
960930 -- purpose of satisfying your sadistic tendencies? All of them. Some are just more obvious.
961001 -- We'll be having an ISO9000 audit soon. They'll check to see if we follow our own documented procedures for everything we do. - I've divided our preparation tasks into two groups: unethical and unproductive. - I'll train our department to lie to
961001 -- the auditor. You can document our inane procedures. No fair. You did unethical last time too!
961002 -- Carol, I need to document your procedure for ordering office supplies. It's an ISO9000 requirement. - If someone asks for something, I check the supply cabinet first. Then I say, "there's one left. You can't have it because then we'd be all
961002 -- out." - Then I spend the rest of the day complaining about the person who asked. Uh-oh... I'm out of ink.
961003 -- I need to document your job processes to satisfy our ISO9000 requirements. Okay. - I try to anticipate the shifting political winds. Then I wrap myself in the relevant buzzwords and try to achieve importance without adding value. - What's your
961003 -- job title? Director of ISO9000 quality process design.
961004 -- Your product looks good, but you can't be our supplier unless your company is ISO9000 certified. - So... You don't care how bad our internal processes are, as long as they're well-documented and used consistently? - That's right. Our documented
961004 -- process says I must now laugh in your face and double our price.
961005 -- You know what's funny? I'll tell you. - You're working hard. I'm doing nothing. In a hundred years we'll both be dead. - You might not have to wait that long. I think I'll spread some joy over this way.
961006 -- Nobody has nominated a co-worker for a special achievement award. - Someone in this group must have done *something* good this year. - No...I don't think so. We'd remember something like that. - This looks bad. All the other departments are
961006 -- giving themselves awards. - We might have to lower our standards a bit. I've been proactive in that area. - Why are we standing in the hallway? - We think the room is locked. We don't have the key. - Later that month This award goes to Alice
961006 -- for boldly trying the door knob. When I find out who nominated me...
961007 -- You'll head our technology alliance with a small Silicon Valley start-up. - Their corporate culture is a bit different from ours. Try to be flexible. - I've never seen a pierced brain before. I think I'll call you "Mister Conservative."
961008 -- Strategic Alliance These are the procedures my company uses to approve projects. - I guess a small company such as yours is used to flying by the seat of the pants. Not necessarily. - You mean you're flexible? I mean I'm not wearing pants.
961009 -- Our strategic alliance is working well. My company provides amazing technical skill and your company... - ...has a seemingly endless supply of three-ring binders. - Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated. It it true that if your name is
961009 -- written in a binder you loose your soul?
961010 -- Issue one: Our two companies have very different corporate cultures. Strategic Alliance Issues - While you were droning I slammed out some beta code and put it on the Internet for comments. - My company prefers to have that kind of decision
961010 -- made by uninformed executives. We call it "Empowerment." I'll mention that in the press release.
961011 -- The status of our strategic alliance is "doomed." doomed - Our ponderous and inefficient management style caused their best people to quit and create a competing company. - We must find a way to destroy that new company. I'll se if they're
961011 -- interested in a strategic alliance.
961012 -- Catbert, evil H.R. director When I'm in a bad mood, I like to think of ways to humiliate the employees. - Hmm...how about an employee recognition program with a thoroughly worthless award. purrr purrr purrr - It's pocket lint from a vice
961012 -- president's trousers. He was wearing them on the day he left for a better job.
961013 -- Alice, your performance this year is "meets expectations." You get a two percent raise. - MEETS EXPECTATIONS?! I worked eighty hours every week! - Yeah...Well, I expected that. - I earned three patents this year! The company will make
961013 -- millions!! - Really? Wow. I mean... I expected that too. - I donated bone marrow to our biggest customer!!! TWICE!!! - I noted that under "attendance problem." - I told you the bone marrow thing would haunt you. I'm starting to think the time I
961013 -- worked through lunch was for nothing.
961014 -- Alice, I'm putting you in charge of developing our booth for the big trade show. - I picked you because the males in the department have disqualified themselves through a process of strategic incompetence. - What is strategic incompetence? I had
961014 -- written down someplace, but I lost it.
961015 -- If you plan to have a booth at the trade show, you need the "Dogbert Trade-Show Consulting Company" to design it. - I recommend the deluxe booth. It's guaranteed to generate the most revenue. - How would the deluxe booth generate more revenue
961015 -- for my company? Oh, suddenly this is about *your* company?
961016 -- Your booth at the trade show must be attention-grabbing. You have several option. - 1. Magic tricks 2. Special effects 3. Raffles 4. Booth babes - For the best result, combine all four: Create the illusion that you're raffling off the booth
961016 -- babes. Booth babes?
961017 -- Our consultant suggested putting attractive women in our booth at the trade show. - I rejected that idea. It is sexist and demeaning. I have a better idea to increase traffic to our booth. - What's the dental floss for? It's your thong bikini.
961017 -- You'll stand in front of our competitor's booth.
961018 -- At the trade show What kind of free stuff do you have? - Cheap pens? That's original. Okay, fill 'er up. But I'm afraid I can't give you any eye contact. - That's enough industry research for today. It's time to hit the buffet.
961019 -- At the trade show What can you tell me about your products? - Our products are defective, much like yourself. - I probably shouldn't have stayed up all night setting up the booth. What are you doing later?
961020 -- My project is right on plan. - It began last week as a bad idea from somebody in senior management. - Thanks to my leadership, it is already an object of widespread mockery and derision. - As I speak, our lawyers are purging every last trace of
961020 -- value it might have had. - With luck, the project will be a gigantic failure in a month. - People will forget my failure and remember that I'm experienced. Promotions will follow. YES!! - In six months I'll be dating an executive secretary
961020 -- named Yvonne. Good plan. - Wally, have you ever read our mission statement? Yeah, but I don't subscribe to a literal interpretation.
961021 -- On the surface, you seem to make some good points about technology... Click Click Click - But your E-Mail address reveals your newbie identity. You're probably a goat herder or a cartoonist. Click Click Click - How does it feel to be an elitist
961021 -- technology bigot? I prefer to think of myself as a technology "have."
961022 -- Thanks for the meeting. Here's my card. - You call that an E-Mail address? It's eighty characters long and mostly meaningless. - People with embarrassing E-Mail systems... I tell people, the reply function doesn't work. You have to type in my
961022 -- address." Loser.
961023 -- Catbert: Evil H.R. director I feel like committing random acts of catness. - Woman in suit approaching...activate purring and shedding. Purr Purr Purr - So, Alice, how long does it take to curl and style a suit like that? Do you dry-clean it or
961023 -- just give it a perm?
961024 -- The cubicle warrior prepares for a battle. - Fighting, fighting against the overwhelming boredom! - When my grandchildren ask me what I did for a living, I'm going to lie. I usually tell people you're a hobo.
961025 -- Catbert: Evil H.R. director Wally, you've been too busy to get the required forty hours of training this year. - So I hired a contract employee to help you out. When does it start? - Yesterday. He already finished eighty hours of your training.
961026 -- I'm a manager, so I don't do actual work... - And all the decisions are made above me... - Carole, tell me again what I produce. Carbon dioxide. Our plants would need that if they weren't plastic.
961027 -- Alice, I'd like you to meet the newest member of my management team. - Keith is highly qualified, he has a masters in business administration. - Very impressive. They must have taught you a lot about motivating employees. Not really. -
961027 -- Well.. You probably learned how to identify and hire good people, right? That might have been optional reading. - Did you learn negotiation skills? No. Strategic Thinking? No. Business writing? No. - It was mostly finance and accounting.
961027 -- and economics. - So, you're a highly qualified leader because... you're good at math? - What should I do here? In these situations I like to use swearing.
961028 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director Hey, Wally, is there anything you still like about working here? - Um... I like making popcorn in the microwave and eating it while I pretend to work. - Your body language tells me that something evil is going
961028 -- to happen to my popcorn privileges. I love my job.
961029 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director *To: all employees* The smell of popcorn in the office is unprofessional... - He's banning popcorn! First it was tobacco, then perfume, now this... There's only one pollutant left. - ...This brings me to the
961029 -- unpleasant subject of Wally...
961030 -- This award goes to Tim for his incredible accomplishment. - After two days of stonewalling all progress, Tim finally agreed to do the work for which he was hired. - We look forward to working with Tim in the coming year. As if I'd have
961030 -- time for that.
961031 -- This next award goes to Kim for her exceptional work. - Kim worked evenings and weekends to fix the problems that were caused by her own incompetence. - And it looks like Kim has a full plate for the coming year, too. Which side faces the
961031 -- wall?
961101 -- Clip Clip Clip Clip Clip Clip Oh, no...It's the maddening sound of Wally clipping his nails. - The sound makes me crazy, but I can't complain because it would sound silly. Must... Must... Clip Clip Clip Clip Clip Clip - You made your own
961101 -- screensaver? It's called "Wally's 101 annoying cubicle sounds." Slurp! Mmm...
961102 -- What are you doing in the marketing department. It's an experiment. - I sneak down here once a week and move this guy's cubicle wall in by a quarter-inch. - What's this experiment going to prove? I forget. It's been a long time.
961103 -- Mmm...soon you will be mine, little chocolate bar. I think I have exact change. - I can smell it through the wrapper. Here's a nickel. - I rub it on my arm to get the total body experience. No, that's breath mint. - I am transformed to
961103 -- another dimension. Ooh, a roll of pennies...No, lipstick. - I'll give you a check. Where's that checkbook? - SNATCH - STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP - What a funny day to forget my wallet.
961104 -- The Dogbert Consulting Company will add credibility to your own selfish and idiotic opinions. - For example, your current budget should be...um... Doubled Doubled. It should be doubled. - Hey, what's that tingle I feel all over my body?!!
961104 -- Credibility. If you want another hit, it'll cost you.
961105 -- I hired the Dogbert Consulting Company to add credibility to my decisions. - As my analysis shows, it's much better to give your money to me than to waste it on future downsizees such as yourselves. - What analysis? This is a page ripped out
961105 -- of the magazine in our lobby. Perhaps you should upgrade to my deluxe service.
961106 -- I've decided to date other men. - NOOO!!! DON'T BREAK UP WITH ME! I'm not. I just want to date other men at the same time. - I am *not* happy right now. That's exactly why I need a spare.
961107 -- Liz started dating other men. Two can play at that game. - I will use the power of the Internet to find a hot babe. Ah! There's one. - She wants your credit card number. Ooh! She's inquisitive. I like that.
961108 -- Men who understand technology are the new sex symbols. Your online personals ad should emphasize your technical prowess. - How about "looking for woman who likes moonlit walks so I'll have more time alone with my computer"? - And "must
961108 -- like to dance." That's so I won't get a flabby, u ncoordinated applicant. Don't call them "applicants" on the first date.
961109 -- You have to move slowly with these online relationships. I'll ask her what she likes to do for fun. - YIPE! - You'd think that a woman named Madame Cruella would compensate by being extra nice.
961110 -- I've been offered a promotion in another department. - Fantasy I'm outta here, you worthless piece of snail crud!! HA HA HA HA HA HA !!! - Reality I meekly request to be released from my current assignment. - Fantasy I would never stand in
961110 -- your way. Congratulations! - Reality I can't release you. You're too valuable. - Fantasy If I'm so valuable, explain my last raise!!! - Reality In fact, I have *another* valuable assignment for you. Stunned silence - I'm doing a survey to
961110 -- find out why morale is so low. I think it's your breath.
961111 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director There are two ways to get an extra engineer for your project. - You can transfer some unqualified loser from within the company... Or? - Not so fast. I like to savor the moment before I crush your misplaced
961111 -- optimism.
961112 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director Here are the resumes of highly qualified applicants for your opening. - It's too bad we don't pay enough to hire qualified applicants. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!! ZIP -- Let's see...we've got resumes in
961112 -- pencil...crayon...pencil...eyeliner... Hey! Dot matrix!
961113 -- We like to ask our applicants some questions that will allow us to see how you think. - If you have a five-gallon bucket and a fifty-gallon bucket, how can you tell which one holds more water? - When I said, "see how you think," what I
961113 -- meant was... Ow! Ow! Ow!
961114 -- Your resume looks good, but we could only pay half of what you're making now. Are you interested? - So...you're looking for a brilliant engineer who is actively seeking a pay cut? - Well, you have to consider the many intangibles. Such as
961114 -- my savings account if I worked here?
961115 -- If you were hired, what would be your long-range career goal? - I'd have your job in six months- In a year you'd be working for me, you big pile of dinosaur dung. - I see you attended an all women's college. Does that experience really
961115 -- make you more confident and assertive? Either arm. Let's go.
961116 -- So tell me...Brian...why do you want to work for this company? - Well, to be honest, I don't. I'm using this as a practice interview. - I guess we're done here. Hello-o-o!!! It's lunch time and I don't see sandwiches.
961117 -- The powerful leader enters cubeville to inspire the wretched underlings. - He spots one of the little people in desperate need of a morale boost. - The leader carefully assesses the situation. Every solution is unique. - Try identifying
961117 -- the problem and the solving it. - The leader waits while the brilliance of his contribution sinks in. - That's a much better idea than what I was doing. - I've been sitting here all day randomly pressing keys, but you've shown me a better
961117 -- way. - Suddenly the leader remembers why he really visits cubeville. My morale is soaring.
961118 -- Catbert, evil H.R. director Are you stressed out, Wally? I have a solution. - Start smoking. That way you'll have frequent company-sanctioned breaks throughout the day. - This is your strategy for downsizing, isn't it? Try it, you big
961118 -- wuss.
961119 -- I've decided to start smoking. I'll be able to take more breaks that way. - And frankly, I'm hoping it will add an interesting edge to my personality and help me socially. - Not that I need any help. I can only hope that your personal
961119 -- magnetism won't erase my hard drive.
961120 -- Here's my first cigarette ever. I'm looking forward to the many smoking breaks I'm entitled to. - I'll probably see you three times a day, just smoking and chatting and enjoying the fresh air! - I assume you light the color-coded end,
961120 -- right? I quit.
961121 -- According to the ads, this brand of cigarette will be like mountain biking past a sparkling waterfall. - Puff Puff Puff - Are you getting that weird "smokers' cognitive dissonance" yet? - Man, this mountain biking is overrated.
961122 -- How do you like your new smoking habit? - My teeth turned yellow, my breath is putrid, I'm a social outcast, I'm going broke, and my house burned down. - So you're going to quit? No, I'm trying to take a long term view of it.
961123 -- I never noticed this warning label on my cigarettes before. - "If this product doesn't kill you right away, the executives of our company will drive over to your house and finish the job. We know where you live, Wally. Quit now!" - Why am
961123 -- I paying for a color printer? - It's also an air freshener if you know how to use it.
961124 -- Last week our consultants warned us about a serious threat. - They said our competitors would "eat our lunch." Eat our lunch - I'm happy to tell the executive committee that I leapt into action. - I hired a security guard to protect the
961124 -- cafeteria. - Our lunches are safe. - I always thought that was just a figure of speech. Fool! Give me your department! - Let go of my hair!! SLAP OUCH!! This is going better than usual. - Why is the cafeteria closed? Someone ate all the
961124 -- lunches. Burp
961125 -- When will my raise be effective? - The same time you are. - The evil Mr. Catbert, director of H.R., is feeling "in the zone." It's as if all the employees are moving in slow motion.
961126 -- Whenever we disagree, I always end up yelling. - That's an indication that you have poor interpersonal skills. I'm sending you to a class to improve them. - It looks like you've gained weight. Would it help if I started jogging? This is
961126 -- exactly what I'm talking about.
961127 -- Dogbert's school for interpersonal skills The secret to good relationships is to be a huge phony. - Let's practice the three fundamentals. Loud Simple Smiley - HEY, HOW ABOUT THAT LOW-PRESSURE SYSTEM, HUH?!! Again, but this time say
961127 -- "weather."
961128 -- This lesson in interpersonal skills involves listening to a stupid person without rolling your eyes. - My computer screen says, "Press any key to continue." Can I borrow your keys? Mine are locked in my Yugo. - Must focus...must...focus...
961128 -- I could break the driver's side window...but it's bad enough that the windshield is gone.
961129 -- Here's my presentation package. I worked twelve straight hours on it. - That includes three hours of creativity followed by nine hours of stupor, senseless twiddling and outright dementia. - I suppose there's only one thing that could make
961129 -- this presentation worse. Send it around for comments.
961130 -- I found many areas for improvement in your document, Alice. - I'm only an intern, but these errors stand out like huge, red, blinking lights. - You could put this on top of an ambulance as a warning. I was thinking the same thing about
961130 -- you.
961201 -- Catbert the evil director of human resources My tail is twitching... - That can only mean it's time to write some more evil policies. - To: all employees: new policy - Employees must wear shoes that are one size smaller than their feet. - This
961201 -- will reduce wear and tear on carpets by 5% - This is may favorite part. We must do this to be competitive. - I'm a reporter for "evil hr politics weekly." Do you have any success stories? purr purr - This is how industry practices are born Has
961201 -- anyone complained about the "footsizing" program? I haven't listened to a single complaint.
961202 -- This metric shows an excellent trend in the number of days since the beginning of my project. - That growth rate compare favorably with the best companies in our time zone. - I'm working smarter, not harder. It's a whole new paradigm.
961203 -- I'm going to enter a profession that will make a huge difference in my self-esteem. - I'll be a corporate trainer in a company that's downsizing. - Are you sure that will raise your self-esteem? Why would I want to *raise* it?
961204 -- I'm looking for a new corporate trainer to help me teach classes in stress reduction, conflict resolution, and teamwork. - I'LL BURN IN HELL BEFORE I'LL DO YOUR WORK PLUS MY OWN, YOU FILTHY WEASEL!!! - And they hired you? A good trainer doesn't
961204 -- have to be a subject matter expert.
961205 -- Ratbert, corporate trainer Pssst! - I'm the grim downsizer. Trainers are the first to go. I'll just hang around here until the next budget cuts. - Do you mind if I sit in your stress-reduction class? I don't think I'll read the class evaluation
961205 -- forms from this one.
961206 -- Ratbert, corporate trainer Let's go around the room and say who we are and what we hope to get out of the class. - I'm the grim downsizer. I'm here to decruit the entire training department plus all of the people who have time to attend the
961206 -- classes. - My name is Dilbert. I'm here in place of Wally who is working hard to build a better tomorrow. Nice try. I'm somebody else to.
961207 -- You're being downsized, Ratbert. Fortunately, there's a generous retirement plan. - Let's see.. For your length of employment, at your grade level...you get a wall calendar. - When do I get it? As soon as I'm done with it.
961208 -- Our pointy-haired boss will be joining us by speakerphone. - This is an important part of your engineering training, Asok. What do I do? - When Alice presses the mute button, you make witty and sarcastic remarks. ring ring - Hello, everyone.
961208 -- I'd like to talk about the new company plan. - Tell us some lies, you ugly, two-faced, hypocritical troll! - I am Asok the intern and I spit on your feeble compensation plan! - I've found stuff on the bottom of my shoe that was smarter than
961208 -- you!! HA HA HA!!! - Next time, a bit wittier...and make sure Alice really presses the mute button.
961209 -- Catbert, evil h.r. director The mandatory unpaid overtime is immoral. It's destroying the quality of my life. - Alice, Alice, Alice... Companies are designed to maximize stockholder value, not employee happiness. - Maybe the head of human
961209 -- resources should be a human. Privately I refer to myself as the director of disgruntled cat toys.
961210 -- Dogbert the consultant Let me do the talking when we meet with your boss. - As you know, any idea from the pointy-haired wonder is crud, but when you add my ability, what do you have? - Crudability? And good looks too!
961211 -- Your first draft was boring, so I added a bunch of exclamation points. - Wow! Those exclamation points make this technical document come alive! - This might be that sarcasm thing I keep hearing about. I'm in the presence of genius! I beg you to
961211 -- father of my children!
961212 -- I'm flattered. But I can't date you because we're different religions. - I'm flexible. I'd change my religion to get a date. It wouldn't work in this case. - Did you know there's a religion based on not dating me? Where do you think I go every
961212 -- Sunday?
961213 -- We must change our culture of cynism and negativism. - You two will be the "happiness committee." Come up with some ideas to improve morale. - So far we've got: 1) raises, 2) slap-the-boss day and 3) nude Fridays. I feel the cynism melting away
961213 -- already.
961214 -- After I graduate from "quality school" I'll be a quality blackbelt master. - Is the title metaphoric, or is there a chance you'll be beaten senseless during a breakout session? Zip zip zip zip. - Was that necessary? I'm not sure. I haven't done
961214 -- the pre-course reading yet.
961215 -- I made an upgrade to your product design. - This would make the product overheat. - Let's try to look at the big picture. - Okay... let's see... Your upgrade has no benefits and it costs more. - The overheating would start office fires and put
961215 -- all of our customers out of business. - If our sales are strong, we could create economic chaos and a global firestorm. - Your "upgrade" would destroy civilization as we know it. Keep me informed. - So you're going to end civilization as we
961215 -- know it? I don't think I'll miss it, frankly.
961216 -- Our Elbonian database product can replace every one of your current systems. No thanks. - It can do payroll, accounts receivable, inventory, sales... No thanks. - And I'll throw in some golf balls. It's a deal! Just toss them in the lake with
961216 -- all my other ones.
961217 -- We're going to replace our computer support systems with the Elbonian database. - It's risky, but don't worry. I've hired an outrageously expensive consultant who has never done this before. - I earned five hundred dollars just coming to this
961217 -- meeting. How's *your* day going? It won't make my top ten.
961218 -- Ratbert the consultant I don't know much about computers so I compensate by being extremely exuberant. - YES!! YES!! COMPUTERS!! WAHOO!!! - Hey look! It's not my fault! It's some guy named "general protection." It's time for your flying
961218 -- lessons.
961219 -- As a consultant, I earn $150 per hour even when I'm unproductive. - I can earn 42 cents by wiggling my furry little behind for ten seconds. - C'mon, count with me!!! When I imagine my ideal career, It's never like this.
961220 -- Ratbert the consultant ...then we'll turn off the existing computer systems and fire up the new one. - What if the new system doesn't work on the first try? Won't the economic impact be devastating? - Let me check my contract... Nope. I get
961220 -- paid exactly the same. Yeah, same here.
961221 -- I am only an intern, but may I make a suggestion? - The Elbonian database system you're installing for our company will never work... unless I rewrite the entire thing with just six keystrokes...done - I thought this was only possible in bad
961221 -- movies. Hey, let's hack into NATO's system. I can guess their password in three tries.
961222 -- Today is your ten-year service anniversary, Wally. - Pick a gift from the service anniversary catalog. - Is there a ceremony? Yeah. We just had it. - May I say a few words? Anywhere but here. - The selection of gifts at the ten-year level is
961222 -- somewhat meager. - The golf ball is nice. I'm leaning toward the "I'm with stupid" shirt. - All I see is a blank shirt. It comes with a fabric pen. - I can almost feel the love our company has for us. What do you mean "us"?
961223 -- I'd like a direct flight...aisle seat...and an upgrade to first class if possible. - The best I can do is to put you in an overhead luggage bin...with one stop in North Korea. - Is it non-smoking? That depends on how accurate the anti-aircraft
961223 -- fire is.
961224 -- This is Marily Vos Savant, the smartest human alive. - She will help you understand your airline "often flier" program. I'm stumped. - After this, could you tell me which phone company saves me most money? My brain's trying to escape; you
961224 -- scared it.
961225 -- This suitcase is the decoy. - While the airline is distracted trying to loose the decoy, I'll sneak aboard with this emergency carry-on bag. - What if they try to make you eat their food? Fake vomit. They'll think I already ate.
961226 -- This bag contains all the mail you've sent me about my "often flier" status. Happy Airlines - I'll trade everything in the bag for a seat upgrade. I'm currently assigned to an overhead bin. Okay - Whew! Disaster has been averted. Are you guys
961226 -- going to the colicky baby convention too?
961227 -- Welcome to the hotel. Allow me to touch your bag so you'll feel obligated to tip me. - I've got to make it through the gauntlet of bag-losing hotel zombies. $ $ - No room?!! I have a reservation!! Oh, that's original.
961228 -- This taxi is yours. Here's a description of how he'll cheat you. - It says you'll be running the meter despite the flat rate. Then you'll feign poor language skills when I question you. - I can't fault your efficiency, though. Whump Whump Whump
961229 -- Dogbert's tech support This is Dogbert. How may I abuse you? - I need to move my cursor to the right but my mouse is at the edge of the mousepad. - Have you tried rebooting without saving your files? - Yeah, several times. - Have you tried
961229 -- moving your desk? - - It didn't work. You need my $800 mousepad upgrade. - What account does this get charged to? "Idiot expense," just like everything else.
961230 -- No rooms?? If the pope showed up, would you have a room for *him*? Yes. - Okay, then give me *his* room! I am so clever. - Let's see how you squirm out of *that* logic, weasel-girl.
961231 -- The business traveler - - When I bought the suit, it said "wrinkle-free" on the wrapper. The wrapper?
970101 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director Hey Wally, I pulled some strings to get you moved to a window cubicle. - It's for my own benefit. I plan to take naps while lying in the sun on top of your head. - Every day this job teaches me that I can get used to
970101 -- anything. zzzzzzz
970102 -- You need a million dollars but I only have authority to sign up for up to ten thousand. - Break it into a hundred separate business cases. - Thank you for your value-added management support. It was nothing.
970103 -- Per your request, my request for a million dollars has been broken into one hundred business cases. - Each one is for ten thousand dollars, which is your exact level of approval authority. - I meant I can approve for anything *under* ten
970103 -- thousand dollars...so if you wouldn't mind... Killing you? No, I wouldn't mind a bit.
970104 -- Our new corporate policy is that all employees must use the products we sell. - AAARGH!!!! WHAT HAVE WE DONE TO DESERVE THIS??!!! - So you're saying that many of these policies are *not* intended to be punishments? You get used to it after you
970104 -- lose your will to live.
970105 -- Alice, I'd like your input on something. - Uh-oh...my intuition is activating the fist of death. Must...control... - Our corporate culture is bad. - I'm trying to find the cause. - Well, obviously the problem isn't caused by managers who have
970105 -- no self-awareness...so what could it be? - The culture problem must be coming from the other direction. Some *employee* must be causing the problem! - I think it's the guy in the mail room. His bad culture is infecting the rest of us. - If it
970105 -- is about that conference room full of mail, I don't know how it got there.
970106 -- I've decided to end my loneliness by getting a mail-order bride from Elbonia. - The photos were grainy, but the advertisement guarantees that she's cute. - Elbonia Blonde. wigs
970107 -- My Elbonian mail-order bride will arrive any day now. Why don't you know the exact date? - Because they're sending her by mail. I wasn't willing to pay for overnight delivery. - She's one lucky gal. I'll probably keep her in the garage. It has
970107 -- a sink.
970108 -- Hey, Wally. I hear you're getting an Elbonian mail-order bride! - It's so sad and pathetic, yet so funny! I feel sorry for her already!  HU-HAHAHA HA HA HA HA HA And people ask why I gave up on local girls.
970109 -- My Elbonian mail-order bride has arrived. - I must keep my expectations low to avoid any disappointment. - Where's the ladies sty? I desperately need to powder my snout.
970110 -- ...so my Elbonian mail-order bride turns out to be a pig with a wig. What a rip-off. - You're taking this well. I'd be mad if I paid for a bride and then I had to send her back. - You did send her back.. B.L.T. ?
970111 -- Wish me lick. I'm off to get my performance review. - Have you been napping? You've got a bad case of keyboard face. - What's wrong with your face? I have quertytis. It's from working too hard.
970112 -- Buying a car You're one tough negotiator. Thanks. - It only took you four hours to get me all the way down to the manufacturer's suggested retail price. - THERE'S NO PROFIT LEFT!!! MY FAMILY WILL GO HUNGRY!! BWAA! BWAA! - Sorry. I assume
970112 -- you want the rust inhibitor coating for only $500. Um...yeah. Rust is bad. - YES!! KA-CHING KA-CHING - Sorry. We also have an invisible spray that protects against scurvy and tax audits. Well...okay. - Initial here if you want your airbag
970112 -- to be full of fresh aspen air instead of gravel. Only $600 - And the lease terms are engraved on this free hood ornament! Be glad they didn't install it.
970113 -- This week I did equal amounts of work and anti-work. For every unit of work I did, I generated an equal amount of unnecessary work for co-workers. I figure I broke even. - Wally, come see me after the staff meeting. Oh, great. You're
970113 -- driving me into negative territory!
970114 -- I didn't read all of the shrink-wrap license agreement on my new software until after I opened it. - Apparently I agreed to spend the rest of my life as a towel boy in Bill Gates' new mansion. Call your lawyer. - Too late. He opened
970114 -- software yesterday. Now he's Bill's laundry boy. It must be dangerous for lawyers to iron pants; they'd always have one hand in a pocket.
970115 -- ...so you didn't read the software license and you inadvertently agreed to be Bill Gates' towel boy in his huge new house. When do we move? - RRRUMBLE! - PREPARE FOR ASSIMILATION. The house has come for me.
970116 -- You have been chosen as Bill Gates' towel boy. But first you must answer this quiz. - You're in a room with three monkeys. One has a banana, one has a stick, one has nothing. Which primate is the smartest? Um... - I guess the successful
970116 -- towel boy knows that humans are primates too. Stupid trick question.
970117 -- Here's your annual performance review, Tina. - I focused on your performance for the past two weeks because I don't remember anything farther back. - I WAS ON *VACATION* FOR THE PAST TWO WEEKS!!! No time to chat. I need to spread some
970117 -- motivation over here.
970118 -- Business used to be like Christianity; if you were faithful and obedient, you could obtain bliss in the afterlife of retirement. - Now it's more of a reincarnation model. If the worker learns enough in his current job, he can progress to a
970118 -- higher level of employment elsewhere. - These analogies aren't working for you, are they, Bob? My hope is that one day I will biodegrade and become "WD-40" oil.
970119 -- Office obstacle course Uh-oh, it's Phil. I never returned his call. Walk faster. - YES!! - Uh-oh, it's an unpleasant co-worker who wants to be my friend. - The crafty engineer blends with the herd to avoid detection. - Uh-oh, I owe Alice
970119 -- some information. RING - Hello YES!! - There's only one more obstacle between me and blissful productivity. - AAGH!!! MY HOLE DAY IS RUINED!!! It looks like you need a one-in-one coaching session.
970120 -- Bad news on your performance review, Wally. - Everyone performed the same. But I'm required to rank the group on a bell curve. - I had to make up some flaws to move you down the curve. Here's a pen. Sign it. "Employee does not wash hands
970120 -- after using the restroom".
970121 -- I can't sign this performance review! It's full of alleged misdeeds that you invented to lower my rating! - Yes, but I think it reflects things you *might* do. I had to make all reviews fit the bell curve. - I AM NOT SELLING CRACK FROM MY
970121 -- CUBICLE!!!
970122 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director Effective immediately, the company will no longer allow time off for the death of a family member. - This "family friendly" policy will remove your incentive to extend vacations by killing relatives. - And more
970122 -- good news: We're cancelling your life insurance so your family won't try to snuff you out either.
970123 -- Don't mention any problems when you do your presentation to senior management, Alice. - They might try to solve the problems during the meeting. That would be a disaster. - As far as I can tell, every layer of management exists for the
970123 -- sole purpose of warning us about the layer above. Are you saying they have a purpose?
970124 -- I put you in for a compliment, Alice. - It's not automatic. The application must be approved by the executive review committee. - Executive review committee I don't think so. We don't want them to think compliments are an entitlement.
970125 -- The results of the employee survey have been tabulated. - As always, employees say they are underpaid, blah, blah, blah, and management is incompetent. - And your bizarre, unworldly response will be? Everyone gets a travel alarm clock with
970125 -- the company logo!
970126 -- What do you want for your birthday this year, Mom? - Oh, nothing. I have everything I need. - Oh, c'mon. There must be something you want. Well one thing. But it's silly. - You just name it. Okay. - I'd like a home entertainment theatre
970126 -- with a fifty-inch screen, "THX" surround sound and a 600 kbps satellite link to the net so I can view adult pictures during the commercials. - I was thinking more along the lines of a new toaster oven. - Oh, that's exciting. I'll put it
970126 -- next to the other one and watch them fight it out. - There's a real dark side to the information age. - Oh, and about the gift of life I gave you: you're welcome.
970127 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director We've decided to lower your base salary, Wally. - I realize this will be a hardship. But if you hand me your necktie I'll show you why this is being done. - What did he say was the reason? "Because I can."
970128 -- The network went down and I lost my work. The server crashed. - From now on, I want advanced notice of any unplanned outages. - And I need it yesterday. I used to think that was just a figure of speech.
970129 -- As you requested, here is a schedule of all future unplanned network outages. - I took the initiative to include a schedule of all future sick days, volcanic eruptions, earthquakes and hurricanes. - This is the point when you realize how
970129 -- stupid your request was and we have a good laugh. Does CNN know about this?
970130 -- A pessimist says the glass is half empty. An optimist says it's half full. - Did you put your lips on my glass again? - And the engineer says... It's a good thing I put half of my water in a redundant glass.
970131 -- Asok the intern I installed calendar software on our network. - Now you can see everyone's schedule and easily set up meetings. - I say we grab him and apply some cubicle justice. Good idea, but I'm in meetings until the year 3006.
970201 -- The more work I do, the more I'm given. - It doesn't pay to be a talented and hard-working employee. - How's it pay to be *you*? Not bad on an hourly basis.
970202 -- Carol, could you check our pointy-haired boss's calendar? Grumble. - We'd like to schedule a celebration for the engineers who got patents. Grumble. - We're all available on the sixth, ninth, twentieth and the twenty-first. - I'll schedule
970202 -- it for the tenth. That's the only day he can do it. - Um... None of the engineers can make it on the tenth. - It's not a perfect world. - When's the patent celebration? Shut up. - On the tenth We should do this more often. Yeah, I like
970202 -- cake.
970203 -- Every department is required to create a web page for our internal network. - It should include enough information to be difficult to maintain, but not so much that it's useful. - As a security precaution, we'll make it too dull and
970203 -- unorganized to read. Is pornography in or out?
970204 -- I spent all week tweaking HTML for my intranet web page. You should see it, Mom. - I converted the video of my birth into an MPEG file. Anyone behind the firewall can view it. - You should hear the nickname they have for you at work! You
970204 -- should hear the one I have for you right now.
970205 -- Alice, I gave you a low performance ranking because you haven't bothered me all year. - Logically, if your job were difficult and important, you would have brought me many issues to resolve. - Can you think of *any* other reason I might
970205 -- not bring you issues? Yeah, laziness. But I gave you the benefit of a doubt.
970206 -- Catbert: Evil H.R. director I was so good at my job that I never needed to bother my boss. But he gave me a low rating because he didn't see me struggling. - I must refer to my human resources binders to see how to deal with this. -
970206 -- Downsize Downsize Hire losers Downsize Downsize Downsize ....
970207 -- Don't mind the stopwatch. I'm testing my theory that people get dumber every minute. - It's not so simple, Dogbert. You also have to consider my "emotional intelligence," which is defined in a book I haven't read. - Twelve seconds. click
970207 -- Give me that watch, you hog!
970208 -- My old slogan was, "work smarter not harder." - But people kept leaving for companies that pay more for less work. - Work like a frightened idiot! Catchy.
970209 -- Job interview We're looking for a special kind of employee, Wally. - Specifically, we like people with low self-esteem. - That way we can bully them into working unpaid overtime. - Do you think you're insecure enough to work here? Let me put it
970209 -- this way. - Sometimes I pretend to choke in the cafeteria... - Then when someone performs the Heimlich maneuver on me I spin around suddenly... - Just to get a hug. - Did he really say you're over-qualified? Aak! Mmph!
970210 -- I need a bullet point for your monthly accomplishments, Wally. - Put me down for "leveraged synergy across all technology platforms." - That was your accomplishment last month. It's more of a journey than a destination.
970211 -- Today I'll find out how big my bonus will be. - After the work I did on that project, I'm thinking four digits, maybe five. - Later How many digits? I used one on each hand.
970212 -- I need my own secretary. I'm too busy to help you unless I get some support. - Too busy? You haven't done any work for me in six months. - Oh, suddenly this is about *you*?
970213 -- Carol, do you know why my raise hasn't showed up in my pay yet? I haven't submitted the paperwork. - I'm too busy to do it. Maybe you should talk to my boss about getting me a secretary. - Carol, *you* are the secretary. That'll cost you
970213 -- another month.
970214 -- My raise didn't get through because your secretary didn't do the paperwork. - I demand that you initiate disciplinary actions against her! I'll try, but... - Carol, could you get me one of those disciplinary action forms? Sure, right after my
970214 -- Ski trip to hell.
970215 -- This is Wendy, my new secretary. I didn't know secretaries could have secretaries. - Now will you have time to process my pay increase? It's been on your desk for three months. - HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA Here's another case where more is not
970215 -- better.
970216 -- Leadership Seminar Grumble Grumble - What would you call a manager who motivates employees to work fourteen hours a day? - A filthy sadist. Pointy-haired imbecile. - Umm.. No... That's not what I'm looking for. - I think he means what do we call
970216 -- him to his face. - Leader. - Right! And what do you call someone who can make unpopular decisions again and again? - A filthy sadist? Wait, it might be another trick question. I hate training engineers.
970217 -- You didn't give me your five-year budget forecast. You didn't ask for one. - It was discussed at the project review meeting. You didn't invite me to that meeting. - Did you accomplish *anything* this week? I trained the bats who live in
970217 -- my cubicle to juggle mushrooms.
970218 -- I'd like to start the meeting with a whiny, unanswerable question. - WHY CAN'T ANYONE MAKE A DECISION AROUND HERE?! - That was good. My little intern is all grown up. Sniff
970219 -- Hey, that's a union job. Put it down or I'll file a grievance. - I'm only moving it ten feet. If I wait for a union person, I'll be unable to do my job for a week. Watch me not care. - If anyone sees you move the PC tonight, try saying you're
970219 -- Johnny Cash. Maybe I should just use the elevator.
970220 -- The bold commando stealthily relocates his PC at night, thus thwarting burdensome union rules. - Freeze, miscreant. - I hope this works. You don't look like Johnny Cash to me.
970221 -- You're accused of stealing a computer. We'll reduce the charge to "lewd conduct with appliances" if you'll plead guilty. - That sounds fair. People will understand it's just a plea bargain. - Would you like a minute alone with "Mr. Coffee"?
970222 -- I've decided to abandon logic and manage by cliches. - It won't be easy, but I'll take it one bird at a time. - And remember, the customer is always right-handed. This is actually an improvement.
970223 -- I dread this part of the staff meeting. - Let's go around the table and describe our accomplishments for the week. Wally? - It was another week of amazing success in Wallyville. - On Monday I realized that my left bun had fallen asleep. - I was
970223 -- shocked. The "boys" had always worked as a team before. - Thinking quickly, I shifted my weight to my right bun and hoped for the best. - That's your left side, not your right. - That's the other thing; apparently the boys switched sides
970223 -- sometime during the night.
970224 -- I had to promise the customer we could build the thing in a month even though you said it was impossible. - I'll solve the timing problem by shifting blame to engineering while spending the huge bonus I got for the sale. - Your planning has
970224 -- improved. Beginning blame transfer now... rrr rrr
970225 -- I'm totally frazzled. There simply isn't enough time in the day to meet my upcoming deadlines. - Let's have an all-day meeting off-site so I can explain why the deadlines are so important. - So, your theory is that I'll have more time in the
970225 -- day if you explain something I already know? I don't have a lot of tools here.
970226 -- Have you set up our off-site meeting so we can talk about how overworked you are? - I was thinking we should invite the rest of the staff, too. We can discuss our mission statement, maybe have a sack race. - Did you know that if you're a state
970226 -- trooper, you can shoot any animal that's been hit by a car?
970227 -- I've heard that some primitive cultures had no mathematical concept of "zero." - Sometimes I think you're like that when I tell you I have zero time left for additional work. - The conversation went downhill from there. NO, THAT'S "ZORRO."
970227 -- YOU'RE *NOT* LIKE ZORRO!!
970228 -- Dilbert asked me to speak to you about the project plan you created without his input. - IT'S IMPOSSIBLE, YOU ARROGANT BABOON!!! - Lean over here so I can slap you. I'm having flashbacks to my honeymoon.
970301 -- As you requested, I have learned to "do more with less." - I'm doing more unnecessary work, with less planning, less intelligence, and less guilt. - I hate the first staff meeting after budget cuts. And less career aspiration, too!
970302 -- Our new CEO will be announced today, Dogbert. Rumor has it that they picked a tall Caucasian male with no experience in our industry. - I can't wait to hear the bizarre logic behind this choice. - I like your necktie. Is it new? Shut up. - Our
970302 -- new CEO has never worked in our industry, but that's exactly what we're looking for... - ...because we wanted a CEO who who doesn't know what can't be done! - Other hand... Other hand. Why? - He looks a bit overqualified. I really took the
970302 -- wrong approach on my resume.
970303 -- Ratbert, I'm going back into the consulting business and I need you to be my engagement manager. - You'll seem very smart if you randomly combine the words on this list and make many references to "Wal-Mart."  It's like "Wal-Mart." Migrate your
970303 -- value into the white spaces of the ecosystem. Wow! That's one smart rat!
970304 -- Ratbert the consultant "Wal-Marts" business strategy was very successful. You can learn from their example. - Does their strategy involve sitting around and making irrelevant comparisons to other companies? - All I know for sure is that they
970304 -- don't let rats try on all the pantyhose in the store. Good strategy.
970305 -- Ratbert the consultant Your strategy options can be shown in this matrix. - The four boxes are "something... something... some other thing and whatever." - In phase two I hope to turn this matrix into concentric circles with labels and arrows.
970305 -- I'm under the consultant's spell.
970306 -- Ratbert the consultant I am under your consulting spell. Really? - Your overly complicated matrices and diagrams have convinced me of your intellectual superiority. - I am afraid to act without your approval. Did I say you could put your arms
970306 -- up like that?
970307 -- Our boss has fallen under the spell of a consultant. Must...make assumptions. - Must...write...large checks to consultant...because...employees...are...morons. - Just because we pay inexperienced strangers to tell us how to do our jobs, that
970307 -- doesn't mean we're morons! Yeah! It's a coincidence.
970308 -- Ratbert the consultant Now that you're under my spell, I'd like to sit on your head and play bulldozer. - Make some engine noises with your lips! HA HA!! Brbrbr brbrbr - Do you think our consultant has to much power? Hah, he's barely moving
970308 -- that file cabinet. Brbr brbr brbr
970309 -- You're probably wondering how my day was. - It was terrible...until I did *this*! - It all started when I deluded myself into thinking my opinions mattered. - I sprang into action like a cheetah on a trampoline! - I drew lines and boxes
970309 -- and arrows for hours. It was pure adrenaline.. - SUDDENLY, TROUBLE STRUCK! IT WOULDN'T FIT ON ONE PAGE!! - So I shrunk everything until it was totally unreadable. AND IT FIT!! - The moral of the story is that you don't have to feel bad
970309 -- just because you're totally worthless. I'd mock you but the challenge is gone.
970310 -- And now for the most absurd activity of the week: the timecard. - There's no project code for "staring at the wall and fretting about the reorganization." I'll call it "Training." - Before I worked here I wasn't a thief or liar. You can't
970310 -- get that kind of training in school.
970311 -- I am young and unexperienced, so please excuse this naive question, Alice... - You spend hours every day "doing E-Mail." How does this contribute to net after-tax earnings? - Day I learned that Alice can stuff my entire body into the shirt
970311 -- sleeve.
970312 -- I can't let you telecommute because then I wouldn't be able to manage you. - You're managing me right now, and all it's doing is preventing me from working. - And your point would be...? Just beyond your grasp.
970313 -- I need your help to negotiate with my boss for more telecommuting days. - I'm too logical to be a good negotiator. You need someone who is relentlessly irrational. - Dogbert says you're an excellent negotiator, Ratbert. I'M INSULTED!!
970314 -- I'm here to negotiate for more telecommuting days. - My negotiating strategy is to have Ratbert say such illogical things that it drains your will to argue. - You can't work at home because you might do unproductive things there. I've lost
970314 -- my will to argue.
970315 -- I convinced my boss to let me telecommute. How? - Well, technically, I called in sick, which comes out of my time bank for total days off. - So, technically, I'm working for nothing, but I'm ahead in principle. *Way* ahead, now that
970315 -- stupidity is a principle.
970316 -- You'll love your new assignment, Alice. Uh-oh. - You're going to redesign all of our brochures. - I'm an electrical engineer, not a graphic artist. - We can discuss your huge inadequacies during your annual review. - I'm not inadequate.
970316 -- I'm a highly skilled engineer. And yet you can't make brochures. - Okay, let me try to explain this in the simplest possible way... - You...are...an...idiot. - The simplest possible explanation isn't always the best. Hey, it looks like a
970316 -- brochure, only uglier!
970317 -- It's noon. Let's grab a sandwich at the cafeteria. - Okay, but make sure that's *all* you grab. I'd like to keep this on a professional basis. - And I'll need to borrow five dollars. - He's like a beautiful, untamed beast. Sigh.
970318 -- I always fall for the wrong guys. I'm a jerk magnet. - Tina, the turkey in your sandwich is already deceased. You don't have to talk it to death. - I must disguise my arousal. Hey, look! We're eating exactly the same quantities for lunch!
970319 -- Alice, I think I'm developing a crush on Dilbert. - Is that so wrong? - Apparently it is. I have a report of a tech writer desiring an engineer.
970320 -- You are guilty of being a technical writer with an unnatural attraction to an engineer. - It's not a major sin, so you only go to heck. I'm Phil, the prince of insufficient light. Sit down and type, "I proactively leverage my synergies," a
970320 -- hundred times. NO-O-O!!!
970321 -- It's called a "smart card," and we should build our next product to handle this sort of payment technology. - Aaagh!! - I've never seen that happen. His body rejected the "smart card."
970322 -- I've invented a quantum computer, capable of interacting with matter from other universes to solve complex equations. - According to chaos theory, your tiny change to another universe will shift its destiny, possibly killing every
970322 -- inhabitant. - Shift happens. Fire it up.
970323 -- Whoa... I found a huge bug in our new software product. - I could alert the development team and work many hours of unpaid overtime to fix it... - Or I could surf over to my online brokerage service and buy stock in our competition. - Are you
970323 -- going to lunch? No, I have to do an analysis. - When Wally works though lunch... it's time to buy stock in our competition. - Wally's working through lunch! Quick! To my online brokerage service! - Our competitor is up ten points on no news.
970323 -- We're up two, maybe from the industry halo effect. - ...or maybe our new compensation plan is motivating smarter behavior. I think you nailed it.
970324 -- I studied your technical recommendation and decided it's impossible. I already did it. - It will never work. It's working perfectly. - You spelled this word wrong. That's a number.
970325 -- Avoid the pointy-haired boss today. I proved him wrong about something. - Oh, terrific. Now he's in a state of boss disequilibrium until he proves he's *right* about something. - They're *PHOTOCOPIES*! You don't need to proofread *EACH ONE*!
970325 -- We'll see about that.
970326 -- We plan too much. From now on we'll have a bias for action. - I want posters that proclaim our commitment to action. And I want them soon! - "Measure once. Cut twice." I like it. Told you.
970327 -- When I was your age, we had things called "promotions" and "raises." - These days you can only get ahead by leaving the company for a year then coming back as a high-level manager. - So the theory must be that anyone who would return to this
970327 -- company is... A moron. Correct.
970328 -- Profits are down. Morale is low. What is the root problem? - It's got to be those anti-management cartoons the employees hang on their cubicle walls! - And they aren't funny. This one has our mission statement.
970329 -- I'm banning the posting of anti-management cartoons in the office. They hurt morale. - You're banning humor to raise morale? Is there something wrong with that? - It's the subject of today's cartoon. And you see how it's not funny?
970330 -- This security system cost a fortune but it's worth it. - I put a camera in every room to deter any criminal activity. - We may now go to the park knowing our fortress is protected. - - - I can't wait to show my kids what I do at work. - I can
970330 -- only think of one thing worse than having all of my stuff stolen. - And that is having some of it returned. This thing is hideous in good light.
970331 -- Wally, I forgot to tell you that all of the project requirements changed. - WHAT?!! ALL MY WORK WAS FOR NOTHING?!! - He actually believes you did work? I think I'll get some homemade cookies out of this!
970401 -- HEY, DILBERT! YOU'LL NEVER BE HUNGRY AS LONG AS YOU'RE WORKING IN THIS STRIP... - ...'CAUSE YOU'RE SURE OF *THREE SQUARES* EVERY DAY! - SOME OF US HAFTA KEEP GOIN' AROUND IN CIRCLES! Security?
970402 -- In order to reduce expenses, only the employees in essential jobs may have business cards. - I'd better order some business cards to find out if I'm "essential." - Carol, order some new business cards for me. Ooh. No can do. But you can borrow
970402 -- some of mine.
970403 -- I hate to interrupt your loud conversation outside my cubicle... - But if you don't go away, I'll pound your inconsiderate head so far into your torso that you have to drop your pants to say hello. - Did you just hear a strange noise? It
970403 -- sounded like, "Melp! Melp!"
970404 -- I'm sending you to a training course. That runs at night so you won't miss any work. - It might seem like an immoral abuse of my power, but I like to call it "a mutual investment in your career." - Must...control...fist...of...death... And
970404 -- they have vending machines if you get hungry!
970405 -- Company training Let's go around the room and we'll each say what we hope to learn. - I hope to learn whether that thing on your head is a bad toupee, a dead animal, or a hideous freak of nature. - Can I call that "general"?
970406 -- Dogbert presents The Life Cycle of a Business Idea - The brain creates an idea. mmm - The mouth-operating indepently of the brain-creates words. Let's form proactive synergy restructuring teams. - The words are written on large paper. Idiot. -
970406 -- The large paper is delivered to a bitter secretary. Please? Grrrr - The secretary types it. "Let's...form...protein...symphony reactionary...teens." Close enough. - The typed notes are delivered to the staff. Drop it into the "to do basket." -
970406 -- Repeat. Mmm
970407 -- Alice, your performance is good, but you must learn to deal with ambiguity. - Did I just get blamed for your indecisive leadership? - I'm not indecisive; I'm flexible. That would explain how your head got where it is.
970408 -- Here's the new org chart. I had to rearrange the layout to make it fit. - Why is my box lower than Alice and Wally's It means nothing...nothing at all. - Okay, who told you that every year I fish your secretaries' day card out of your trash and
970408 -- save it for next time? What?
970409 -- The new org chart has my name lower than yours, but it doesn't mean anything. - See? It wouldn't all fit across the page. It's just a graphical layout thing, that's all. - Hey, Dil-boy, put a head on this and fetch my mail. Are you asking me to
970409 -- be your mentor?
970410 -- I notice that the new org chart has your box lower than before. It means nothing. - Perhaps. But your box seems smallish. And your reporting line line brushes against my box. It means nothing. - No, I'm sure this means I'm your new boss. I
970410 -- wonder if I killed someone in your previous life.
970411 -- I don't care what it "looks" like on the org chart! You're an intern, not my boss! - I just saw the new org chart. Congratulations on your promotion, Asok! - Let's make some strategies and pretend it's work! Not so loud. The l-u-s-e-r might
970411 -- hear. Bonk Bonk
970412 -- Carol, I don't mean to be critical about the department phone list you put together... - But it's traditional to list people alphabetically, not by phone number. - Because what possible use...? Incoming call from... let's see... it's Wally... I
970412 -- can ignore it. Ring
970413 -- Here's my project plan as you requested. - Our team is already working day and night on other projects. - I assumed we'd give up eating, sleeping and bathing to fit this in. - By the second week we'll be starving, delirious and stinking. -
970413 -- We'll be like wild, unpredictable animals. - Specifically, we'd be like wild chipmunks. Non of us are very aggressive. - This clip-art represents us in week three as a pile of dead chipmunks. - Now he wants it in two weeks? Never mix sarcasm
970413 -- with good clip-art.
970414 -- Alice, I need this ASAP. - ASAP? Does that stand for *a* *s*tupid-*a*cting *p*erson, i.e., someone who ignores tasks until the deadline? - That was embarrassing. I hope the other things I say don't mean anything.
970415 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director The company has taken out a life insurance policy on you, Wally. - We pay the premiums and we collect the insurance when you die.  Is this because I'm so valuable to the company? - It's because we think you'll be
970415 -- more valuable dead. This is exactly why I don't like cats.
970416 -- There's been a lot of joking and grumbling since the company took out life insurance policies on all of you. - So we're having these catered lunch meetings to discuss your feelings. - Do you want the mad cow burger or the chicken bone surprise?
970417 -- I found another dead employee in the conference room. - I don't know what got him - the boredom or the hard work. But headcount is down one and the company has life insurance on him! - It looks like I found my "employee of the week."
970418 -- Catbert: evil H.R: director. Wally , the company bought a life insurance policy on you. - Our plan is to raise your blood pressure to dangerous levels. - Did you know that out CEO makes fifty times your salary even though our stock is down? Ow!
970418 -- Ow! Ow!
970419 -- Your success at work depends on what you have in your hands when you walk around. - A coffee cup is bad. A document is good. A cigarette is bad. A binder is good. But the very worst thing... - It doesn't look like you're heading for the fast
970419 -- track, Wally. Actually, I am, unless it's occupied.
970420 -- Here are some money-saving tips from headquarters. - "When calling long distance, use short words." - "If everyone did this, out fifty-billion dollar company could save nine hundred dollars per year." - "Tip two: For faxes, use sans serif
970420 -- fonts. They transmit faster. Annual savings could exceed three hundred dollars." - Next on the agenda, remember I'll be in Switzerland next week on a fact-finding trip. - If you need to call me at my four star hotel, be sure to use short words.
970420 -- - You might want to save those short words until he's on his clue-finding trip. - Switzerland #!%**!! Those are *not* all short words.
970421 -- My study shows that the companies with "family friendly" policies have higher profits. - Question: Do family friendly policies cause high profits or do high profits simply camouflage the true costs of the policies? - We'll take a five-minute
970421 -- break so the married people can slap you for asking that.
970422 -- This so-called "family friendly" policy is like a tax on childless people. - *You* get child-care; *I* get lower profit-sharing. *You* get time off for family; *I* get to pick up your slack... - I'm a victim, but in some strange way I'm
970422 -- enjoying it. Then you'll love this.
970423 -- I'm going home early because my kid i sick. - Remember, we have a new "family friendly" policy. We do? - So that is why my family seems so friendly? Maybe, but I'd test them for drugs.
970424 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director I'm being discriminated because I take time off for family emergencies. - I'll handle this by telling your boss that you ratted him out to the director of human resources. - I thought we had a "family friendly"
970424 -- policy. The key word is *friendly*. You've been acting as is you *love* your family.
970425 -- Good news! Our business plan is in complete disarray! - FREE TIME!! NO DELIVERABLES!!! AND IT'S NOT *OUR* FAULT! Yippee!! - Do you realize that all our joy comes from perverse sources? I didn't know there was an alternative.
970426 -- Alice, our business plan is in complete disarray so we're taking a three-hour lunch. Want to join us? - No, I've got to work harder than ever to turn this situation around! - Sometimes it's hard to distinguish between dedication and insanity.
970426 -- Which one are we?
970427 -- Here's your list of fake acronyms for the staff meeting. - Try to keep a straight face when you use them. - I've got a few action items. Who isn't busy? - I'd be all over it but I need to prepare a btr for the cpd meeting. - I'd love to help
970427 -- but this is xrp week for the entire lbq. - my spoo has to much fleem. - What? rrrrr - That was smooth. Hey, if I could lie I'd be in marketing.
970428 -- It's time now for the Wally report, a weekly status update. - My income is 80% of industry average, enthusiasm is at 63% of capacity and my ego shield is holding at 15%. - Your enthusiasm is up from last week. Someone left the supply cabinet
970428 -- unlocked!
970429 -- Good news about your compensation plan... I hate good news about my compensation plan. - Twenty percent of your pay will now be in the form of stock options instead of cash! - To get your stock options, simply sign this updated employment
970429 -- agreement. Why does good news feel like a mugging?
970430 -- My company won't give me my stock options unless I sign this new employment agreement. Here. - Yada, Yada, Yada, Yada, Yada, Yada, Yada, Yada, Yada, Yada. - What do you think? I'm not reading it. I just like to look at documents and go Yada,
970430 -- Yada, Yada.
970501 -- You want me to sign an agreement that I won't work for a competitor for five years if I leave here? - No problem. Here you go. This is too easy. - I haven't done any work *here* for five years, so how hard could it be? New game?
970502 -- I want you to work with our marketing people to design a product brochure. Groan Remember, what we do here might seem like criminal fraud but it's not. It's marketing! - Okay, as long as it's not wrong... Here's a jar to keep your conscience
970502 -- in. I'll put it in the closet with mine.
970503 -- Designing a brochure We'll want to emphasize the things that make our product unique. Good good - Let's see... We have higher prices...stale technology...fewer features...and it's hard to use. - Can you work with that? Suddenly I don't feel so
970503 -- bad that we won't be using 100% recycled paper.
970504 -- Who was the world's first salesperson, Dogbert? - Some people say it was a guy named Noah. - Noah's last name was Content. I have a big, curly stick and I don't even know why. - His job was to sell an ark cruise to animals. Did I say ark? I meant
970504 -- yacht. - He invented something called sales-babble to disguise his motives. We'll partner to leverage our value-adds in a win-win proposition. ? - He pioneered the lame joke. How's the weather up there? Hee Hee! - When he couldn't reach quota,
970504 -- he got creative. Strap this to your head and don't ask questions. - But his greatest innovation he called "blaming engineering." I can't find the honey spa. Think fast.
970505 -- I calculated the total time that humans have waited for Web pages to load... - It cancels out all the productivity gains of the information age. - Sometimes I think the Web is a big plot to keep people like me away from normal society. Uh-oh,
970505 -- he's on to me.
970506 -- Are you telling me that *you* invented the first Web browser? Not alone, I worked with our garbage man. - Flashback I wonder how long people would sit in front of a computer waiting for nothing. Let's find out. - What if this thing gets out of
970506 -- hand? We'll blame it on some drunken college kid.
970507 -- Flashback to the invention of the first Web browser What should we call our prank, Dogbert? - Well, it's designed to make millions of people sit around waiting for nothing to happen... - A few years later Hey, I can almost see a recognizable
970507 -- blotch! This is awesome! Note
970508 -- Flashback: Dogbert and the world's smartest garbageman invent the first Web browser as a practical joke. It's out of control. - I wonder what will happen to that college kid we framed. He'll be okay. - Where would you like this bushel of money?
970508 -- Stack it next to the photographers.
970509 -- Wally, we don't have time to gather the product requirements ahead of time. - I want you to start designing the product anyway. Otherwise it will look like we aren't accomplishing anything. - Of all my projects, I like the doomed ones best.
970510 -- We did an industry survey to see how your salaries compared to the average. - We didn't get the numbers we hoped for, so we broadened the definition of "our industry." - I'm so happy to be in the industry of "high technology, textile workers,
970510 -- teen-agers, and dead people." I feel overpaid.
970511 -- I am Carl, the cubicle dweller's friend. - I travel from cubicle to cubicle to tell people how hard I'm working. - I am working so-o-o-o hard. Work, work, work. It's all I do. - How is that possible? - You walk around all day with that
970511 -- coffee cup resting on your belly. - Does your job description say "transport coffee cup on belly"? - He's a terrible conversationalist. How many miles per gallon do you get? - Hypothetically, if you were downsized, how would the cup get
970511 -- around? What's wrong with these people?
970512 -- It's freezing in here. - I'll just give the thermostat a little bump. - Can we at least agree that when my cactus shrieks in agony, it's too warm? Aaagh!! It wasn't shrieking *before* you took your shirt off.
970513 -- Thermostat wars Be reasonable, Alice. When it's warm enough for you, it's too hot for normal humans. - Logically, you could wear a sweater. But there's nothing **I** can do to be less warm. Therefore, you must compromise. - Did she buy the
970513 -- argument? No. But I'm going to shave my back and take another run at it.
970514 -- My invention can detect human stupidity. - It has a very simple interface. All I do is point it at people. - Then what does it do? Why would it need to do anything else?
970515 -- Oh, no! I overslept...no time to apply makeup before my big meeting! - Okay, does everyone understand their tasks? I'll get right on it. Absolutely. - I wonder why they were so respectful today. IT'S NEWT GINGRICH!
970516 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director New policy: All company documents *must* use the official company font... - Let's see...what would be the most obscure and impractical font imaginable? purr purr purr - Somewhere in Elbonia I understand I can
970516 -- get the Elbonian font software from you. Yep. Unless you need consonants for some reason.
970517 -- Alice, here's the agenda for the next project meeting. - TWO HOURS?!! AAAGH!!! THERE'S ONLY TEN MINUTES WORTH OF TASKS!! - Uh-oh. I think I'm temporarily sane. Try breathing into a paper bag and repeating  our mission statement.
970518 -- Thank you. Please come again. - After I'm dead. - If we each put in twelve dollars, that will give her a healthy fourteen percent tip. - The service was excellent. I'll put in a little extra. Me too. Me too. - That gives us...um...only
970518 -- thirty-four dollars. - One of us is a cheap, lying, unscrupulous weasel. - - Or maybe the service was bad. She didn't smile enough. Same as last week.
970519 -- Wally, two things... - Number one, I want you to chair the "fun committee" to improve employee morale. - Two, according to this report, you've been using the Internet for personal reasons.
970520 -- I was trying to decide whether you're stupid or just very ignorant. - Then I thought "Whoa, Dogbert, you're being narrow-minded about this." - You could easily be both. It only *looks* easy.
970521 -- It is physically impossible for me to finish both of my projects on time. Which one is more important? - Hmm... If I absolutely *had* to choose between them, I'd say... Do them both on time. - Wow. When you do that with your arms, it
970521 -- creates the illusion that you're thinking. What you need is a third project.
970522 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director Any employee who uses the Internet for non-business purposes will be fired. - And any employee who sits in a company chair while having a personal thought will be executed by security. - The great thing about
970522 -- senseless, sadistic policies is that they don't require a lot of explanation.
970523 -- I wrote this labor-saving software. Watch it do its thing. - - How can you tell if it's working? You don't see any labor happening around here, do you?
970524 -- I've decided to become a consultant in the field of obvious generalities. - I'll work for small businesses that are run by artists. They'll think I'm brilliant, which I am. - Whoa! Are you saying we need *revenue* to make profit?? Ouch!
970524 -- I've got a headache on one side.
970525 -- Lately I've been feeling discouraged about my job. - You should talk to our pointy-haired boss. That'll cheer you up. - Maybe you're right. All I need is a little pep talk from our leader. - HA HA HA! HEE HEE! - You think you're
970525 -- discouraged... - I've been stuck in this dead-end job for years, grinding away, day after day. - And all I have to show for it is high blood pressure and worthless stock options. - It's so gratifying watch them grow up. - I need the number
970525 -- for doctor Kevorkian.
970526 -- I'd feel a lot more comfortable on this project if you'd tell me everything you know about it. - I've already told you more than I know. - I feel like I'm being followed. Doom
970527 -- I'll need everyone's help on this project. I hope you can overlook the cloud of doom that hovers nearby. Doom - BOOM! Doom crack - Doom Wow. It's luck that wasn't someone we like.
970528 -- Doom I notice you have a cloud of doom. I must admit it makes you seem dangerous and sexy. - Doom ZAP - Sorry. That happens to everyone who gets near me. No problem. I'm one of those women who never learn.
970529 -- I have a cloud of doom that zaps everyone near me once a minute. Doom - I'm looking for a woman who doesn't think past behavior is an indication of the future. Doom ZAP! - ...a woman with absolutely no sense of pattern recognition. Doom
970529 -- Ouch. I'm glad that won't happen again.
970530 -- The only way to get rid of your cloud of doom is to transfer it to a new host body. Doom - I will accomplish this with the help of our pointy-haired boss and a clueless co-worker named Tim. - We're secure. Begin transfer. Tim, your new job
970530 -- will be director of special projects. Doom
970531 -- Alice, I understand you had a conversation with my boss without my approval. - We don't want to give mixed messages. It would be very bad if she got any mixed messages. - I just gave her an honest status report. AAARGH!!! MIXED MESSAGES!
970601 -- I forgot my umbrella. I'm soaked. - Why don't you toss your clothes in the microwave and dry them off? - Would that work? - - Sixty minutes ought to do it. - We'll guard the door to the break room. - You know, ever since the downsizing began,
970601 -- I've felt much less company loyalty. Me too. - Why are you two so happy? There are free goodies in the break room.
970602 -- I put together some guiding principles for our network architecture. - I sure hope this isn't a bunch of obvious ideas disguised with techno-jargon and unclear writing. - Let the games begin. So tell me, do suspenders cause muddled thinking, or
970602 -- is it the other way around?
970603 -- I'm going into business as a professional bearer of bad news. - I'll try to find the humor that is inherent in every tragic situation. - I give up. What *is* the difference between my husband and the seventies pop group "Village People"?
970603 -- They're coming back.
970604 -- Dogbert: professional bearer of bad news We cannot offer you a position at this time, but you are obviously qualified. - Unfortunately, the other six billion people on earth are more qualified. - We'll keep your resume on file.
970605 -- Dogbert: professional bearer of bad news Your doctor asked me to tell that you have six months to live. - There must be a mistake. I'm here for a nose job. - Oh, you're right... I wondered why that last guy was so happy when I told him he'd
970605 -- have one huge nostril for the next forty years.
970606 -- Dogbert: professional bearer of bad news Wally, your boss asked me to tell you... - YOU'RE FIRED!!! AND THEY HAVE SECRET VIDEOS OF YOU STEALING STUFF!! - This can't be true. It's not. But watch how happy you are when I tell you about your
970606 -- one-percent raise.
970607 -- *Software license:* By opening this package, you agree... - ...you will not make copies or export to despotic nations. You will submit to strip searches in your home... - rrrip Frankly, both of us would have been happier if you had just walked
970607 -- away.
970608 -- I'm happy to award the "clean cubicle award" to Matthew. - It's a ten-dollar "Travelers check." Where's Matthew? - He was cruelly downsized last month. - His cubicle was clean because he shredded his important documents out of spite. - All of
970608 -- his furniture and equipment were scavenged by bitter employees who have to do his work now. - This is not having the motivational impact I hoped for. - Okay...the "Travelers check" will go to whoever knows what number I'm thinking. - They sure
970608 -- were sore losers.
970609 -- I teach kids that these things are right and those things are wrong. Period. End of story. - Wouldn't that teach them to believe anything they're told without applying any critical thinking? - I don't think about that. Duh
970610 -- Dilbert, you'll work with "Kenny the sales-weasel" on our biggest project. - Tell me all of our product's technical specs on the way. I like to be prepared. - Our product is beige. It uses electricity. Whoa! Brain overload!
970611 -- Visiting the customer When I introduce you to the customer, smile and give him a hearty slap on the back. - Get ready. Here he comes. I'd better take some practice swings. - Next time, less follow-through, aim higher, and if he turns around
970611 -- suddenly, hold off. Sorry ow ow ow ow ow
970612 -- Visiting the customer I brought Dilbert to explain what makes our product special. - It's exactly like our competitor's product except we charge more to cover the cost of our deceptive advertising. - While you're up, could you get me a cup of
970612 -- coffee?
970613 -- Visiting the customer No one has ever been fired for buying our product! That's true. - There *is* the occasional savage beating... and more than our share of suicides... - But that has "statistical cluttering" written all over it.
970614 -- Someday it will be possible to clone our boss. But the clone would have no experience and no knowledge. - I just sent an e-mail message to Japan. I don't know the language so I took your advice and typed it all in caps. - Wow. That put it all
970614 -- in perspective.
970615 -- Asok the intern explains the new rules of body language Fake happiness - This means: I am not motivated by the size of my paycheck. AHH!! WAHH! WAHH! - This means. I am slightly concerned about the impending reorganization. - This means: I have
970615 -- decided to work in the marketing field. Counter-clockwise spin - This means: I am being sarcastic. Oh, *there's* a good plan. - This means: The recent employee satisfaction survey has not captured the extent of my feelings. - This means: I
970615 -- think you are attractive but it would be very improfessional to show it. - This means: my lottery investment paid off. YANK!
970616 -- I scheduled a T.h.n.p.l. meeting for seven o'clock on Friday night. - T.h.n.p.l. stands for "Tina has no personal life." I'm scheduling useless meeting to fill the void in my life. - Tina, this is insane. Are you suggesting we have a meeting to
970616 -- discuss this? Is Saturday okay?
970617 -- You're invited to a four-hour meeting, Asok. - Tina, it would seem that all of your meetings have no purpose other than to provide you with a surrogate social life. - Can you bring chips? I wish, I wish, I wish I had a spine.
970618 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director People are complaining that you schedule unnecessary meetings as a substitute for a family. - That's ridiculous! Come to my next meeting and see for yourself! Okay, I will. - I got us a family cat. How was your day,
970618 -- Dilbert? SOB
970619 -- Dogbert, I need your help. I keep getting invited to worthless meetings and I can't say no. - *You* can say no to anything. You have such a clearly defined sense of self-interest. - Will you teach me to be like you? Nope... Can't be bothered.
970620 -- Give me a final design for project Caribou by Tuesday. That's Wally's project. - I know, but I'm thinking about it now and Wally isn't in the room. Tell Wally it's your project now. Do you see this thimble? I keep my morale in it.
970621 -- ...So our pointy-haired boss put me in charge of your project... - ...because I was standing in his office when he thought about the project. - If it makes you feel better, you can keep your morale in this thimble with mine. I keep mine in a
970621 -- "Tic Tac" container with my ego.
970622 -- I have a great idea to save money. - We can make the photocopier ink last longer by adding water to it. - Wouldn't that make the copies too light? - Ordinarily, yes. But we can compensate by setting the copier to "darken." - You'll need someone
970622 -- to implement this idea...let's see. - Hey, what about Dilbert? He isn't doing much work lately. - I'd do it myself but there's no reason to waste a creative thinker on an implementation task. - Are you still mad that I got a bigger raise than
970622 -- you did? No, I found a creative way to deal with it.
970623 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director New policy: key employees must travel on separate flights to reduce risk. - Other employees, such as Wally, are encouraged to take up dangerous hobbies. - I've noticed that when a new policy mentions me by name, it's
970623 -- never a good thing.
970624 -- Alice, here's a bonus for good work. On what? - I can't be specific, because the you might do it again and expect another bonus. - Congratulations; you've motivated me to act randomly. I'm going over here and I don't know why.
970625 -- I did less work than usual this quarter and I got a bonus. - The implications are staggering. The entire system of capitalism has a flawed premise. - There's only *one* thing that could make the bonus more frightening. I got one, too.
970626 -- I'm writing a book that debunks the effectiveness of business consultants. - But common sense would say that you're being a consultant yourself, so your opinion is logically flawed. - Only people with no common sense will buy your book. I
970626 -- prefer to call them the mass market.
970627 -- From now on, we'll nurture the passion of our rebellious employees and for strategies around them. - We don't have any rebellious employees. The last one got fired for wearing culottes on casual day. - It was such a good idea in my head. We
970627 -- still have some sarcastic employees. Can you work with that?
970628 -- We've identified the people who will create the system to develop a product process. - While we were doing that, our competitor created a new Internet product that added a billion dollars to their stock value. - Experts attribute the company's
970628 -- success to the "employee of the week" program. Quick! Hire those experts!
970629 -- I want a ten-percent raise. There's no budget for raises. - I have an offer from another company that will pay fifteen percent more. - I'll give you twenty percent if you stay. - I thought you said there's no budget for raises. Well...it's
970629 -- supposed to be a secret but... - our policy is to give big raises to people who spend their time interviewing for other jobs. - Good news! The secret company policy is to reward disloyalty! - YIPEE! YES! WOO-WOO-WOO - What's the reward for
970629 -- leaving work early? He wouldn't show me the price sheet.
970630 -- I'm putting you on a "need to know" basis. - Here's a complete list of the things I need to know. if it's not on the list, I probably don't need to hear it. - Number one: "Run for it, Dogbert! The volcano is erupting!" Plurals will also be
970630 -- allowed.
970701 -- If the goal of all creatures is to be happy...and I'm happier than you are... - We can conclude that I'm more successful than you are. Isn't that right? - You are *really* starting to annoy me now. The gap widens. Yes!
970702 -- I finally figured out why everyone talks so funny in this company. - We're not morons incapable of clear communication. We're rebels like to "think outside the box." - It's always fascinating to watch an ego just before it dies. I'm a rebel!
970702 -- Task me with a "do it."
970703 -- Hi, Mom! Guess what. - I'm the process owner for our benchmarking initiative! - She's crying with joy... I used to think that too.
970704 -- beep beep boop beep - I am Dogbert, your lord and master! Submit to my will, you worthless cretin! - Does telemarketing work for that sort of thing? You'll know tomorrow; that was your voice mail.
970705 -- You two will be my telemarketers. Here's a list of known idiots to call. - I'll go first, Bob. Let's see... I dial the number. And wait for an idiot to answer... - ring ring ring C'mon, you loser. Pick up the phone.
970706 -- Hey, pointy-hair! - Thanks for your brilliant advice that I should, "work smarter not harder." - I didn't realize people could become smarter just by wanting to. - Watch me add a few IQ points right now! grrr grrr - Wow! Suddenly I can speak
970706 -- Latin! - Let's crank it up a few more points. grrr grrr - Why am I working in this dump? I should be a consultant. - When I woke up, my pillow was gone. Oh, wow. You woke up in the wrong joke.
970707 -- I hate it when the title of a book gives away the whole plot. - Take Hemingway's "Old Man and the Sea." Geez, talk about leaving nothing to the imagination. - I guess the odds were very low that you would leap in the air and catch that. I'm only
970707 -- here to be a chick magnet.
970708 -- If you're such a chick magnet, let's see you do your stuff. - Okay. I'll wag. They love that. - It's working. You broke one out of the herd. She's coming this way. Be careful. I don't know how powerful this is. - Grumble. I'll be you work out a
970708 -- lot. I'm a dancer. Uh-oh
970709 -- Until I met you, Dogbert, I always fell for engineers. - But I'm tired of pretty boys. I want a guy who will appreciate my exotic dancing as much as my passion for physics. - Sob Scratch under this ear for a minute. Sure. I can't get enough
970709 -- touching.
970710 -- Wow. You're an incredibly sexy man. It's too bad I met this little fuzzy guy first. - But looks aren't everything. Studies show that women want a man who is in touch with his feelings. - AAGH!! I HATE MY LIFE!! Gee. That's enough to make me
970710 -- doubt the scientific method.
970711 -- As much as I like the petting, I still have to break up with you, Roxanne. Why?! - Humans are kind, intelligent, well-adjusted creatures. Until you get to know them. MAY THE HORNED DEMONS OF IXPAH SMITE YOU LIKE THE LAST SIX!!! This is what I'm
970711 -- talking about.
970712 -- It's done. I thought I asked for that to be in color. - Black and white are both colors. So technically... Oh, wait, I see what you mean. - Is that all it took to satisfy his need for irrelevant changes? And I did it while the color copies were
970712 -- printing.
970713 -- You're on the radio with Dogbert's "bad advice show." How may I hurt you? - My boss asked me for a date. We're both married. What should I do? - Divorce your husband. He sounds like a looser to me. - Yes, yes, it all makes sense when you
970713 -- explain it that way. - Then mail a dead woodchuck to your boss with a note that says... - "Unlike this woodchuck, my love for you will never die." Thanks, I love your show. - Moving on to household tips, did you know that black paint is an
970713 -- excellent stain remover? - Can we talk? ...and those are just *some* of the benefits of an all-cheese diet.
970714 -- I've been asked to give a presentation at the trade show. - I'd like you to put that together for me, Alice. What's your topic? - Technology. They didn't say if I'm for it or against it. I'll leave some wiggle room.
970715 -- I've prepared your pointless presentation for the trade show. - It's got the usual time-wasting filler: a graphic of Moore's law, a "Netscape" comparison, and ironically... - ...it ends with an impassioned reminder to think in new ways. Maybe I
970715 -- should give out some awards, too.
970716 -- I only have thirty minutes and he's babbled for twenty-eight. Blah blah blah - It took three weeks to get on his calendar. My only hope is to send ESP messages for him to shut up. - Shut up shut up shut up shut up Nice try, but it's time for
970716 -- his next filibuster. Blah blah blah
970717 -- Which version appeared in your newspaper?
970717 -- Ten of our fines executives got together and created a statement of our core values. - "We help the community and the world by producing state-of-the-art business solutions." - I'm glad we didn't skimp and try to do that with only nine
970717 -- executives. Yeah. It might have sucked.
970717 -- Ten of our fines executives got together and created a statement of our core values. - "We help the community and the world by producing state-of-the-art business solutions." - I'm glad we didn't skimp and try to do that with only nine
970717 -- executives. Yeah. It might have been useless.
970717 -- Last week an alternate Dilbert strip ran in some newspapers. Guess which one was controversial...
970718 -- Can you explain how the company's new "statement of core values" will change my behavior? - I was planning to poison the town's water supply. But wait! It's against out core values! - Is your sarcasm absolutely necessary? Let me check.
970718 -- Hmm...it's not addressed.
970719 -- Give me the name of any famous person. Sandra Bullock. - Sandra Bullock was in a movie with Kevin Spacey...and Kevin spacey eats bacon. - See that? Everyone on earth is only one degree away from someone named Kevin who eats bacon! That is *so*
970719 -- close to being fascinating.
970720 -- As usual, I worked until midnight last night, Mom. - Well, at least you made some extra money. I don't get paid for overtime. - Well, at least it was important work. Not really. - My boss made me change my "Powerpoint" slides, but the
970720 -- changes made them worse. - Well, at least you're prepared for your meeting. It was cancelled. - But that's okay, because the project isn't funded anyway. - So...you worked for free to worsen a presentation for a meeting that won't happen
970720 -- for a project that doesn't exist? Yup. - Well...at least you could travel back in time without having any impact on history. Yeah, my glass is half full.
970721 -- Here's the agenda. The first hour will be u.b.r., as usually. - This reminds me of my first job, before crash dummies were popular. Man, I spent a fortune in Aspirin. - What exactly is u.b.r.? Unfocused boss rambling. Only 58 minutes to
970721 -- go.
970722 -- ...And that's your performance review. Any questions? One. - You talked about yourself for the full hour. Can we talk about me? - Okay. *You* don't seem to know that *your* meeting is over when *you* see me stand up. Ooh.
970723 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director I can't abuse people if they quit the company. I'd better find a way to reduce turnover. - All job titles will be changed as follows... - My new title is... "convicted felon." That'll look good on the ol'
970723 -- resume.
970724 -- Our new job titles from human resources are demeaning and insulting! - You've got to use your managerial influence to do something! My new card... - How'd it go? I don't expect much help from the "director of learned helplessness."
970725 -- Wish me lick. For what? - I'm going to find people who laugh nervously every time they talk. Then I'll smack them with my flyswatter. - And the reason would be? It wouldn't be a hobby if it had a reason.
970726 -- Alice, I found this article in a magazine. - I highlighted the most important stuff to save you time. - You highlighted the page numbers. It takes forever if you don't notice those.
970727 -- WHAT IF... Albert Einstein had been in marketing? - I have a great idea for increasing sales. - Nope. This will never work. - Um... is it possible that you don't fully understand the idea? - That's quite an ego you have there, Allan.
970727 -- Albert. - Experience managers know how to identify bad ideas... - Bad ideas come from other people. Now go work smarter, not harder. - I worry that a guy like that will go off and build a huge bomb.
970728 -- Great news! Our strongest competitor offered to sell us their entire product line. - Obviously they think their products are not viable. We'd have to be amazingly stupid... - And you'll be in charge of integrating their product line with
970728 -- ours. ...to work here.
970729 -- Tell me the truth. Use the engineer's secret code if you must. - Are there any little problems with the technology that my managers agreed to buy from your company? - HA HA SNORT SNORT HA HA HA!!! 1100111... Good. Go on.
970730 -- It's my job to integrate the bad technology that our idiot boss bought with the good technology we already own. Your advice? - Throw away the bad technology. Goof off until the next planned upgrade of the good technology. Tell your boss
970730 -- the improvements are a result of his brilliant buying decision. - Wow. That's almost pure evil. You're welcome.
970731 -- Due to space constraints, some people will have to share cubicles. - According to the list, your new roommate will be...the copy machine. - Is it claustrophobic in here or is it just me?
970801 -- I hope we get more office space soon. Otherwise, I'll have to share my cubicle. - If they send someone here, I'll arrange the usual "accident." Hi! - Sproing! Wow. She got the box too.
970802 -- You'll need to share your cubicle with the Elbonian audit team until we get more space. - This is their holy week so I expect you to be open-minded and flexible. - So, how do you celebrate the holy week? - Wedgies, mostly.
970803 -- Welcome to employee rock-climbing seminar. - You'll learn valuable teamwork skills by doing dangerous things unrelated to your jobs. - Isn't rock climbing a solo activity? I'll help identify your body. - It seems like you'd need a strong
970803 -- grip to climb rocks. - I can't even open jars unless I use special tools. - OW! OW! CRAMP!! - I'M DISORIENTED BY THE PAIN! HEY! - Here are your diplomas. Now get out. Go team!
970804 -- I'm in charge of the office relocation. Where do you want your cubicle? - What's this huge structure? Wallyville. It's two floors of luxury housing, shopping, and gambling. - Do you think you might be abusing your power? What would be the
970804 -- other reasons to have power?
970805 -- According to the blueprints, your cubicle has a support beam in it. - At least I have a window view. - It's 108� by the window. But at least there's a breeze from the people who walk by and laugh. Don't let me slow your search for someone
970805 -- who's interested.
970806 -- We're going to try something called "open book management." - We'll teach you to read the financial statements of this company. It's all very motivating. - ...and our CEO got paid more the the entire capital budget... Is this what
970806 -- motivation feels like?
970807 -- Open book management So you see, if you got a raise, our earnings growth wouldn't be smooth. - And smooth earnings are good for who? Stock market analysts? - Specifically, the lazy ones. I'm fine, now that I understand.
970808 -- I appreciate your new "open book management" philosophy... - For example, I've learned that we're repurchasing stock while I'm working unpaid overtime. - Yet I remain highly motivated because I understand that income and equity are
970808 -- distinct concepts. Who said ignorance is bliss? Ha!
970809 -- Open book management ...then I sez, "hey our debt to equity ration is increasing." - I leapt into action and started sweeping like I've never swept before! - Then I sez, "hey, why am I using a broom on carpets?"
970810 -- Announcing project "Sparkle," the clean desk policy. - This is a company-wide effort to keep our work spaces clean. - Tiny question. I'm curious about one thing. - I'm picturing our top executives in the "war room." - They talk about the
970810 -- competitive threat and our lack of resources. Suddenly, panic sets in!! - A lone voice of reason penetrates the confusion. Two words: "paper towels." - Is that pretty much how it went? - Moving along, you each get a laminated card with our
970810 -- mission statement. Let me do this one.
970811 -- I have a new method for blowing off the idiots who ask questions. - I say, "that information is on my web page. Shoo, shoo." - What happens if they find out it isn't? I'll say, "you must have misunderstood your question."
970812 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director Here's the "clean desk" policy, Wally. - "Employees must lick their workplaces clean at the end of each business day." - Do they seriously think we're this spineless and stupid? Ahm nah chanting it.
970813 -- There's a rumor the company is moving to South Dakota for tax reasons. - Do you seriously think they would disrupt the lives of thousands of employees just to save money on taxes? - I think they'd kill us in our sleep and sell our organs
970813 -- if the return on investment was good. Stop it. I'll be afraid to sleep in my cubicle now.
970814 -- There's a rumor that my company will move to South Dakota. But I don't believe it. - South Dakota...isn't that where your CEO grew up? Maybe he wants to be near his parents to get free baby-sitting. - That is the most cynical thought I
970814 -- have ever heard in my life. Thanks. I'm blushing under my fur.
970815 -- I've asked Bob the dinosaur to call your CEO and give him a telewedgie. - Will that stop him from relocating the company? ...now hold the phone behind you at belt level. - Stranger things have happened, albeit not often. YANK Aaiee!!
970816 -- I notice you only have one trash container with you... - Whereas I have two containers - one for trash and one for recyclable materials. - My theory is that you make two separate trips to each cubicle... Could you turn around for a second?
970817 -- I have a vague feeling of uncertainty. - It gets stronger at the office - The uncertainty saps my strength. My briefcase is getting heavier. - Must...get...to...cubicle. - The uncertainty feels like a piano upon my chest. - I decided to
970817 -- reorganize. Or maybe downsize. Unless there's a merger. - I summon the unholy demons of apathy, sarcasm and cynism!!! - Good thinking! Reorganizations always increase profits! Wow. Third time today.
970818 -- You'll be on the task force to recruit the smartest college seniors to work here. - Remember to lie often. And don't mock them for their lack of real life experience. - So you're saying meetings are just like parties? Well, I'm not allowed
970818 -- to say the "o-word"...
970819 -- Recruiting on campus I have better offers from twelve companies. Why should I work at yours? - - I'll se what I can do for you. Do you have enough copies of my resume?
970820 -- Recruiting on campus Nice to meet you... - CRUSH AAEEII! - I have to be honest: your company isn't my first choice.
970821 -- Recruiting on campus It's funny that *you*'re judging *me*. My engineering knowledge is current and yours is ancient. - I think I impressed him with my confidence. - Ooh! People skills! I forgot! bonk bonk bonk
970822 -- Ratbert, I want you to wear this pager at all times. I'll set it to vibrate. - YEEHAA!! - No one has actually paged you yet. IT GETS BETTER?!!
970823 -- Envy me, Bob. I have a digital pager and you don't. - I don't need one. My digital PCS phone has a built-in pager function. Oh, wow. - But the worst part is that he only uses it to clean his ears. I taught him that. The vibrating action is
970823 -- excellent.
970824 -- We have the results of the employee communications survey. The number one problem is "fear of giving negative news to managers." Negative News - What?! Why haven't I heard this before? - Well...maybe because it's negative news? - Do you
970824 -- have a solution or did you just come to insult me? Don't get involved. - Ooh. Um...maybe if we wait a few days it will take care of itself. - Happily, there are no other communication problems whatsoever. Heh heh. - I wonder why so many
970824 -- problems go away on their own. I have no comment at this time.
970825 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director Alice you have to use your vacation time or you'll lose it. - But if you take time off, you'll lose your business. HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! - This is embarrassing. I laughed myself fuzzy.
970826 -- It's a shame you have to work during your vacation. The same thing happened to me. Really? - Actually, in my case I went on vacation when I was supposed to be working. But the concept is the same. - Apparently she wasn't looking for
970826 -- empathy.
970827 -- I admire your work ethic, Alice. You're even working during your vacation. - It must be hard to remain motivated when you know you can never break through the glass ceiling. - So, it looks it's just tile after all.
970828 -- I'm going back to my old job as a systems administrator. Why? - I'm attracted by the potential for reckless abuse of power. - This new Ethernet card could solve your problem. Would you like a sniff before I throw it in a big pile in my
970828 -- office?
970829 -- Dogbert the network systems administrator The software manuals are locked i this room. - I don't let users have manuals, for reasons that could only be described as mean-spirited. - Is there any way we can meet halfway on this? Hey, that
970829 -- door didn't always have a window.
970830 -- Dogbert the network systems administrator Wally, did you know your E-Mail system isn't private? - I've compiled a binder with all of your off-color humor, unkind references to co-workers, naughty propositions, and admissions of theft. -
970830 -- Where is this heading? I'd like to sing that question while hopping on one foot.
970831 -- I'll make a quick copy, then we can discuss it. - No, no, I'll have my secretary do that. - That will take longer. It's more cost-effective. - We're highly paid professionals. Carol is...well...I don't know if we pay her at all. - Now
970831 -- we're free to do high-level planning. - Um...we kinda need that document. - Ooh, time for lunch. - So... do you fish?
970901 -- "This is Dogbert the network systems administrator, to all ignorant employees." - He who controls your information controls you. *I* control your information. - "The board of directors has appointed me emperor for life. Bring the
970901 -- pointy-haired boss to me." - Uh-oh! The escape key isn't working!
970902 -- Dogbert: company emperor Tell the employees to get wheelbarrows to carry my salary out here. - Turn out the lights when you're done. You're all downsized. Shoo! - The media loved him. Can we call you "Buzz Saw Dogbert"? I bought your
970902 -- parent company today. You're downsized. Shoo!
970903 -- Dogbert: company emperor I don't like to call what I'm doing "downsizing." It sounds to negative. - I like to call it "wedgiesizing." Now clean out your desk and Shoo! YANK! - He didn't take that very well. You can't please everyone, Bob.
970904 -- I've downsized this company and plundered its equity by exercising my massive stock options. - Yet my victory seems hollow. Something is missing. - Maybe you're missing a sense of meaningful contribution to society. Maybe...but I'm
970904 -- thinking book deal and trophy white.
970905 -- Since I'm the major breadwinner here, I decided to name the house "Dogbert's Manor." - And I've decided to name you Jennifer because I like the name. - I don't know why I bought this. It's just a box full of electronics that you can look
970905 -- at. Shut up, Jennifer.
970906 -- We can handle your investments so you can retire and live off the earnings. - Just sign this incomprehensible contract, hand all your money to total strangers and relax! - We'll need to know what your tolerance to risk is. I think I just
970906 -- maxed out.
970907 -- This is Dogbert's technical support. How may I disconnect you? - What are my choices? - I recommend the abrupt disconnect: simple, gets the job done. - I had that last time, What else do you have? - You might like our "please hold,"
970907 -- followed by the "wrong button." - Too predictable. Do you have anything new? - Try our "Kevorkian disconnect." I put you on hold and play an annoying message until you disconnect yourself. - Your call is important. Please hold while we
970907 -- ignore it... Your call is important... Not bad.
970908 -- It's been a stressful day. Luckily I have this little balloon full of sand to squeeze to reduce my stress. - Oops Piff - You need a new kybard? What's a kybard? JUST SIGN THE STUPID THING!!!
970909 -- I'm thinking of growing a beard to disguise the fact that I have no chin. - Then I'll get some loose seaters to disguise the fact that I have no waist. - Maybe you should get a Sherlock Holmes outfit to disguise the fact that you have no clue.
970909 -- - Maybe some mannequins as friends...
970910 -- Have a nice flight. Remember to turn on your laptop computer during takeoff. - I thought they tell you to turn it *off*. - Off?!! How would they transfer control to you if they had trouble? - TURN OFF THAT !*#% LAPTOP!! No way! I have to land
970910 -- this baby! ...can I do that in "Excel"?
970911 -- I just heard that our pointy-haired boss's plane crashed. - I must admit I have mixed feelings. You don't know if you should mourn or celebrate, right? - No, I mean celebrate or leave early. Hurry if you want some cake.
970912 -- Now that our boss is presumed dead, I found out I *like* to work. I finished three projects today! - I lost five pounds, gave up coffee, and applied for seven patents! Go, Alice! - Life without management is like paradise! Who wants to
970912 -- spoon-hug?
970913 -- Work has been great since our boss went down on the jet! Uh-oh - I survived with only minor hair injuries. I was lucky to be on a flight that had a hundred nuns onboard! - You were saved by prayer? No, padding. They don't do a lot of Aerobics
970913 -- at the nunnery.
970914 -- Carol, I forget... How do I address an envelope? I'll do it. - I'm training him to be helpless. - It's part of my master plan to eliminate him. - I do everything for him. Soon he'll lose his ability to solve small problems alone. - Then I'll
970914 -- "accidentally" book him on a one-way trip to south korea. - Before he goes, I'll tell him they have a death penalty for speaking English. - We'll never see him again. BUWAHAHA!!! - It's worth a shot. Carol, what do I dial for an outside line?
970914 -- I'll do it.
970915 -- I am Mordac the Refuser. I am here to discuss your request for a computer upgrade. - Crinkle! Mmphh! Chomp Chomp Chomp - We lotht thuh pahperwurk. That's a huge surprise. Luckily I made seventy-five extra copies.
970916 -- I am Mordac the Preventer, your liaison from the information technology department. - I come with tales of resource shortages. Your request for our services is denied. - I didn't request any of your services. Don't try your reverse psychology on
970916 -- me.
970917 -- I'm not using reverse psychology! I really don't need anything from the information technology department. - Curse you! You know our goal is to give you the opposite of what you want. If you want nothing we must give you everything! - Please
970917 -- tell me how you got them to do this. Watch me launch the space shuttle!
970918 -- For those who joined us late, this is Bob the dinosaur. He lives with Dilbert and me. Hi - Dinosaurs aren't extinct. They're just hiding behind furniture. This is Dawn, my mate, and little rex. - You'll notice that they use a lot of space and
970918 -- they aren't very relevant. I think Rex has my eyes.
970919 -- There's not enough room for all of you dinosaurs. One of you must be downsized. - If it helps, these spikey things are a safety hazard. And little rex ate your ficus tree. - Thanks for being professional about this, Bob. When you put him in
970919 -- good light, how cute is he really?
970920 -- Should the dinosaurs be downsized? You decide their fate. - Vote by E-Mail: dinosaurs@unitedmedia.com A. I love the dinosaurs! B. Stick to office jokes! C. No talking animals! D. I don't have any opinions but I like to vote! E. Get rid of
970920 -- everyone so I can use the blank space for notes. - There's a Jimmy Carter here to monitor the voting. Uh-oh.
970921 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director Another evil policy. I'm a happy cat. purr purr - "Casual clothes will not be allowed this Friday..." - "...because we had Hawaiian shirt day on Wednesday." ? ? ? - Um...can you explain the logic here? - We're only
970921 -- allowed on casual day per week. Why? - If we had *two* casual days, obviously it would have an impact on earnings. - Does stupidity have an impact on our earnings, too, or is it just bad clothes? - We're only sure about bad clothes. Alice,
970921 -- you're killing us with that outfit.
970922 -- Look at the "Rolex" watch I got from a vendor. Do you know there's a corporate limit of fifty dollars for vendor gifts? Sure. - And you know that's a maximum not a minimum. Ooh. Maybe that's why he whined when I took it off his arm.
970923 -- Do you realize this is our third date? We're not dating. I'm a vendor and you're my client. - You always say the only time we can meet is during lunch. That way I'm obligated to pay for it. - You're feisty. I'd better get the oysters. Make sale
970923 -- first. Then kill customer.
970924 -- I'm putting you in charge of ISO 14000 certification. - What's the difference between that and ISO 9000? Oh, about 6000. Ha ha ha ha!! - Hey, I think I'll use that one at the stockholder meeting. Yeah, that'll wake them up.
970925 -- I understand it's your job to make sure your company can pass an ISO 14000 inspection. - And I understand that your company *pays* the inspector for *each* inspection. So? - Dogbert: ISO 14000 inspector You fail again. That's $10,000 please.
970925 -- Next time, could you actually walk around and look at stuff?
970926 -- I didn't use my brain this week. - I listened to things I already knew; I waited for people who were late; I was a passenger in my car pool. - Let's start the staff meeting. YES!! KEEPING THE STREAK ALIVE!
970927 -- We have to improve our image in the Internet community. Let's do a mass unsolicited E-Mail campaign to tell people how nice we are. - You have the look of a man who was just put in charge of implementing his own sarcastic suggestion.
970928 -- Get my approval at each phase. Finish in one month. - Let's see... You're on vacation next week. Then you're traveling. Then there's your executive retreat... - ...It takes three weeks to get on your calendar...and the project has six phases...
970928 -- - What we have here is guaranteed failure. - You've left nothing to chance on this one. - I mean, normally there's a bit of uncertainty, but you've...oh. - You've slipped into the "boss zone" where you can't see or hear employee input. - It's
970928 -- weird, I lost ten minutes, and when I woke up, my doughnuts were gone.
970929 -- I have a question about this document marked "proprietary." - If I spent my entire life searching, do you think I could find *anyone* who would care about this? - As you gain experience, you'll realize that all logical questions are considered
970929 -- insubordination.
970930 -- I have a personal crusade. - I'm going to hunt down the people who have strong opinions on subjects they don't understand. Then I'll bop them with this cardboard tube. - That would include everyone on earth except you and me. Lean over here.
971001 -- People with bad opinions The Internet should be free. Why should I have to pay some greedy corporation or look at ads??!! - I will now use this cardboard tube to explain the intricacies of capitalism. - Lesson one: *This* was something that
971001 -- should be free.
971002 -- Uh-oh. All of the stupid people you've insulted have formed a mob and surrounded our house. - We don't have to take that abuse. Let's see how long he can survive without water! Down with Dogbert - They're taking turns putting our hose in their
971002 -- mouths. I think they're trying to drink all of our water.
971003 -- A mob of stupid people attack Dogbert's house. Our plan to drink all of his hose water isn't working. Down with Dogbert - Hey, careful! You're getting water all over the grass... Down with Dogbert Wait, that gives me an idea!! - How's the
971003 -- attack going? They tried to ruin our lawn by spraying water on it. But now it's turned into a hose fight.
971004 -- Ahhh...it's going to be a glorious day of telecommuting. - There's nothing here to distract me. It's just me... - ...and my talking refrigerator. I'll bet you can't eat a whole jar of pickles.
971005 -- Mom, guess what...I got promoted! - You're talking to the new "executive engineer." - No...nobody reports to me. No...it's the same pay as before. - But I do get a *lot* more responsibility! - She's going to throw a party for me! - No...no
971005 -- gifts. No...no music. No...no food. No...no guests. - I guess it's just you and me. I'm busy that day. - I'm not allowed to get new business cards, but I can write my new title on the old ones! zzzz
971006 -- I like men who know how to communicate... - But not a man who only talks about sports, or computers, or his job, or TV, or sexx, or jokes, or his accomplishments... - That would leave...Greek mythology...and...you. No Greek stuff.
971007 -- I had fun talking to you tonight, Gilbert. - It got a little boring when you tried to steer the conversation away from me. But I managed to shut you down by looking uninterested. - It's Dilbert, not Gilbert. YAWN!
971008 -- How do you like telecommuting, Alice? It's good, except I've developed a tendency to snack. - Glug glug glug glug glug glug glug glug glug - I'm sure you'll keep your discipline. I *love* "zesty Italian" dressing Burp
971009 -- Telecommuters can eat any time they want, just like wild animals. - There's only one way they'll ever get me back in the cubicle. - Here's the plan. You'll need tranquilizer darts, a flatbed truck and a giant shoehorn. No harpoon?
971010 -- Come out of there, Alice! We know you're telecommuting! - NEVER! I'M FREE! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME GO BACK TO A CUBICLE!! - Dang
971011 -- I ask for so little - - And boy do I get it.
971012 -- I have to make a quick phone call. - Do you want to make small talk? No. - I brought a magazine. - Could you tear out a few pages for me to read? That wouldn't be right. - Give me some pages or I'll ask Alice about panty hose. You wouldn't
971012 -- dare. - So, Alice, what do you think about the concept of panty hose? - AARGH!! WHAT MORON INVENTED LEG COVERS THAT CAN BE DESTROYED BY TOUCHING A TWIG?! - Here! Make it stop!! To late. KOOK AT THIS!!!
971013 -- I'm starting a mutual fund for investors who aren't bright enough to know their alternatives. - It must be a huge market. Otherwise most people would invest in index funds. - What's an index fund? Ouch, ouch! You're making me wag too hard!
971014 -- The Dogbert mutual fund As you know, past performance is no indication of future performance. - So my strategy is to use your entire investment for my personal expenses and see what happens. - Has that strategy ever worked before? Geez, it's
971014 -- like I'm talking to a wall here.
971015 -- Studies have shown that monkeys can pick stocks better than most professionals. - That's why the Dogbert mutual fund employs only monkeys. - Yes, our fees are high, but I don't apologize for hiring the best.
971016 -- Dogbert mutual fund I don't understand why any intelligent investor would put money in a fund that has no track record. - I try to steer clear of intelligent investors. Here's my life savings. - Do you want my name and address? No, I trust you.
971017 -- Dogbert mutual fund Is it hard to write an earnings report after you steal the investors' money? - I'll just compare my fund's performance to the S&P 500 under a common set of assumptions. Oh. - How did our Dogbert fund do? "Ten percent better
971017 -- than the S&P 500 if it were also managed by an unscrupulous dog!"
971018 -- My guest today on "money chatter" is the head of the "Dogbert mutual fund." - It's reported that your fund is the highest performer of the decade. Tell us how you made it happen. Okay. - Apparently, this guy will read anything you hand him.
971019 -- Catbert: the evil director of human resources You're next. - Wally, you've been randomly selected for an employee drug test. / Randomly? Why am I the only one who gets picked every week? - You're very unlucky at work. But I'm sure you
971019 -- compensate by being lucky in love. - HA HA HA HA HA HA - Anyway...our new drug test uses hair samples... - To be safe, give me six hairs...and one whole eyebrow. - I'll come back in an hour and say I lost the box. purr purr purr
971020 -- I'm going in the sports memorabilia business. - I've heard that most autographers are forgeries, so my initial investment will be low. - Can I interest you in a baseball signed by Moses? - Wow! That's going to be worth something.
971021 -- Sports memorabilia This is the best price I've seen for a baseball autographed by Babe Ruth. - But I don't see where the autograph is. - It gets autographed later tonight. I'll take this and three of the honus wagner cards.
971022 -- You say this football was autographed by Jesus... - But I'm no fool. This isn't a football. It has stitches. They healed. - Wow! And I think I heard it oink.
971023 -- Autographs for sale Wow...A softball signed by Martin Luther, leader of the protestant reformation. - I'm impressed, but what I'm looking for is something signed by Martin Luther *King Jr.* - Too bad you don't have anything from him. -
971023 -- Check back in ten minutes.
971024 -- If you want to be promoted, you have to be highly visible. - Ask questions at meetings. But make them easy so you don't embarrass your boss. - ...so if there's an accident in a company car, where should we bury the survivors? I usually put
971024 -- them in the trunk.
971025 -- I've been seeing a beautiful woman. But something came between us. - Her curtains? - Venetian blinds. Totally unforgiving. Maybe she got spooked when you put the lawn chair in her yard.
971026 -- It has come to my attention that one of you has a social life. - There must be some mistake. - We can't be successful until our social lives are worse than the industry average. - Our competitors spend the nights in their cubicles. They
971026 -- eat from vending machines. - Someone here has *not* shown the same level of competitive spirit. - Someone had a social activity last night! - I'M SORRY! I THOUGHT THEY WERE FRIENDS... BUT THEY WERE ONLY RECRUITING FOR A MULTI-LEVEL
971026 -- MARKETING NETWORK!!! - What were they selling? Edible wax fruit...brochure?
971027 -- Alice, I've noticed a disturbing pattern. Your solutions to problems are always the things you try *last*. - With all due respect, are you using your skull to store old rags or what? - It's a good thing you said "with all due respect."
971028 -- I discovered that our pointy-haired boss doesn't know he's being insulted if you say "with all due respect" first. - I love the intangible benefits of this job. - With all due respect, is that your face or is a monkey climbing down your
971028 -- collar headfirst?
971029 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director I can't raise your salary level because you don't have ten years experience with "Java" coding. - Nobody has ten years experience with new technology! You're just being evil. Admit it. - And could yo *please*
971029 -- shake your head back and forth instead of spinning it around?
971030 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director There are several mandatory classes for managers. - *Avoiding contact with subordinates. *Misplacing important documents. *The joy of listening to your own voice. - Have you taken the prerequisite class in time
971030 -- management? Twice.
971031 -- Manager training Never be in the same room as a decision. - I'll illustrate my point with a puppet show that I call... - "Journey to Blameville," starring "Suggestion Sam" and "Manager Meg."
971101 -- Manager training You will often be asked to comment on things you don't understand. ? - These handouts contain nonsense phrases that can be used in any situation. - ...so, let's dominate our industry...with quality implementation of
971101 -- methodologies. I'll get right on it.
971102 -- Marketing department Hey! It's a magazine! - Engineering department Danger! A magazine has been discovered in marketing! - Marketing has a magazine! Gasp - Gather the other engineers. We must get that magazine. War Room Check - We think it
971102 -- was a careless mistake by someone in the mail department. - As you know, there is nothing more dangerous than a marketing person with a little bit of knowledge. - We know where the magazine will be read. We need nets, rope and tranquilizer
971102 -- darts. I'll have to ask engineering to build one of these space stations... Phoot Men
971103 -- I'm starting my own business as a masseur. - My specialty will be in-office chair massages for cubicle dwellers. - Were you planning to touch my *back* at any point? It's a *chair* massage, pervert.
971104 -- We need Cobol programmers for our mainframe millennium problem. - If you see anyone who looks like a Cobol programmer, let me know. Turn around. - Are you a Cobol programmer? No, but I'm often told I look like one. You're hired.
971105 -- You two will be in charge of rewriting our Cobol code to fix the millennium problem. - I realize you've never worked with Cobol before, Asok. That's why I'm teaming you with Bob, so you can learn from his vast experience. - So, you
971105 -- recommend waiting for a meteor to kill us all. The glaciers are way too slow.
971106 -- Most problems go away if you wait long enough, Asok. - It might look like I'm standing motionless, but I'm actively waiting for our problem to go away. - There's been a reorganization... I don't know why this works, but it does.
971107 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director You don't need to reward employees. - Just torture them less. It will feel the same as reward. - You may skip my staff meeting this week, Alice. Thank you thank you thank you.
971108 -- We'll need a risk analysis on this project before I can approve it. - Risk 1: Indecisiveness Risk 2: Overanalysis Risk 3: Cluelessness Risk 4: Micromanagement... click click click - I don't understand these risks. That's number thirty-six.
971109 -- The theme of our engineering conference is... - "Employees are our most valuable asset." - And like most assets, you decline in value over time. - I know what you're thinking: not all assets decline in value. - For example, fine art is
971109 -- worth more every year. - But I don't think the Louvre will be asking for one of these anytime soon. - On your way out, Mister Catbert will give each of you a certificate of depreciation. - It's till better than last year's theme, "Have you
971109 -- earned your air today?"
971110 -- I'm with the cubicle police. This is a safety violation. - It's perfectly valid unless you tap it with a flashlight or a dog jumps on it. - This plays right into my theory that cubicles are living organisms.
971111 -- I heard that a stack of paper fell over and killed a cubicle cop. - What did you do with the body? I enrolled it in the quality workshop next door. - It's a temporary solution. The workshop is only three days.
971112 -- ...Well, that depends on many factors involving features and usage.  - Do you engineers have a secret pact to withhold all useful information? You haven't answered one question and it's already...um... Two o'clock. - We hear you gave
971112 -- information to marketing. Just the time of day. He would have found out anyway!
971113 -- Dogbert's dating advice Women like men who have accomplishments. But they hate men who boast. - I will be your designated bragger, allowing you to appear humble. - One potential plan with this is that I have no accomplishments. If she
971113 -- isn't wearing makeup, we'll be honest too.
971114 -- Hi, Dilbert! Hi, Dogbert! Uh-oh. - She's a hugger on the first date. I never know where my arms should go. - I hope this doesn't seem awkward, but my watch is snagged on your bra strap.
971115 -- I loved it when you hugged your date and your arm got snagged on her blouse... - And it was hilarious when you tried to free your arm and accidentally ripped her top off. - But the best part was when you yelled, "I'm an engineer, not a
971115 -- diamond cutter, dang it!" Shut up.
971116 -- This is urgent, stop what you're doing and work on it right now. - Is this more urgent than what I was doing? - I don't know what you were doing. - Exactly. So how could you know if this is more urgent? - You could work late and do both. -
971116 -- Work late? Is this more important than my health? - Forget it! I'll have Alice do it. - Just out of curiosity, what *are* you doing? Playing "Quake."
971117 -- Tina, we're changing the job titles of all non-technical people. - Collectively, you'll be known as our S.C.C. group. - I like the sound of it - very dignified. We were beginning to feel like second-class citizens. What's S.C.C. stand for?
971118 -- All great ideas look like bad ideas to people who are losers. - It's always good to test a new idea with known losers to make sure they don't like it. - Dogbert's research Co. What a coincidence. We*both* lost three homes in flood zones.
971119 -- Let's begin.
971120 -- Dogbert research Co. First question: What would you losers do if a small dog with glasses took advantage of you? - We would complain to the...um...whoever handles that sort of thing! Yeah! - Bureau of Dogs It costs fifty bucks to file a
971120 -- complaint? And ten bucks to borrow a pen.
971121 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director The company has no implied contract to keep you employed, Wally. - But we expect total loyalty out of you. - I really, REALLY wish you wouldn't do your face-stretching exercises here every morning! 1-2-3...
971122 -- The new fog is rolling in. - This can only mean one thing. - Carol, schedule a staff meeting. It's time to reorganize the department.
971123 -- When you show this to our VP, put in some revenue figures. - There's no revenue. All we're doing is upgrading our network. - I might have told him the project has revenues. - Let's not confuse him by changing the story now. Yi-yi-yi -
971123 -- O-o-o-okay. How much revenue do you want. A million dollars? - I might have told him it was more. - JUST TELL ME WHAT LIE TO USE!!! - Can't you calculate it on the spreadsheet? Must...control...fist...of...death...
971124 -- I'm here to install you ISDN phone line. - This will only take twenty minutes...unless something unexpected happens. - Great, because I need it tomorrow. Uh-oh...your wire goes into a little hole in the wall.
971125 -- Installing an ISDN line First we need to make sure your phone line is connected to our network. - I'll yank the wire while you listen for a "whump" sound at the central office. - I heard something.
971126 -- Installing an ISDN line These digital phone lines require a very different installation process. - You'll have to show me your spids now. - What happened after the slap fight? Then it got awkward.
971127 -- The installation is successful. I have 128 kilobits per second of digital access to the Internet. - As tradition requires, I do the engineer's victory dance. - ...So if I ever have to kill him, the jury will realize it's justified. Could
971127 -- you hurry?
971128 -- This is an authentic baby, less than one week old. - As I feed this authentic baby in front of you, recall how big my stomach was last week. - So, do I still need a note from my doctor to explain my absence? Yes, unless you can prove where
971128 -- Mickey Rooney is right now.
971129 -- From now on, we'll only hire people with masters degrees from the top colleges. - I don't have a master's degree from a top college. I'm insulted by this new policy. - And new hires must be this tall to work here. HEY!!
971130 -- Ken, may we have a word with you? - We heard that you gave an interesting presentation at the sales staff meeting. Thanks. - Our spies gave us copies of your slides. - You told them that our new product kills mold and mildew. Won't it. -
971130 -- WE MAKE SOFTWARE! - SO? HAVEN'T YOU EVER HEARD OF THE PLACEBO EFFECT?!!! - Stunned silence. - ...In company news, our entire sales force shriveled up and died for no apparent reason.
971201 -- Asok, at this company, we think our interns are as important as minks to a mink coat. - Um... Minks do not enjoy any of the benefits of the mink coat. - And they're good eatin', too! I must report you to the analogy police.
971202 -- Analogy police Open - My boss said I was as important as a mink is to a mink coat. That sounds fine to me. - But the mink dies. I guess you won't be leaving a full fifteen percent tip.
971203 -- Are you sure this is where I report the misuse of analogies? You're dressed very odd. - It's casual day. - That's the most frightening outfit I've ever seen. You haven't seen my bicycle pants.
971204 -- I used to be Phil, the ruler of heck. My pitchspoon was feared by all who committed minor sins. - Then I made the mistake of merging with a company that makes non-alcoholic beer. I was ousted. - THEY SAID WE'D HAVE SYNERGY!!! Maybe it was
971204 -- just a bad pun.
971205 -- Can you help me write a resume? Yes, for a large fee. - How do I know you're qualified? Check my resume. - I'm having trouble believing that you invented coffee. Check my patent.
971206 -- Career counseling I'd be good at any job involving sin. - Perhaps something in the Bingo field...or maybe budget work. How about marketing? - I *HAVE* a soul. It's just a small one. Gotcha. No marketing...no auditing...no garment
971206 -- manufacturing.
971207 -- It is my pleasure to present the weekly "Wally Status Report" - This week I developed what I call "process pride." - It all started when I realized I have no impact on earnings. - Obviously I can't take pride in the *results* of my work.
971207 -- Obviously. - But I need pride. Otherwise, how could I maintain my high level of morale? - So I learned to take pride in my processes instead of my results. - Everything I do is still pointless, but I'm very proud of the way I do it. - Is
971207 -- that all you did this week? Hey, I'm only one person.
971208 -- When you're with a woman, everything you say will lower her opinion of you. - But I can give her compliments, right? NO! That's the worst thing! - Women keep a log of all compliments. They analyze the pattern to identify negative trends.
971208 -- Should I use my real name?
971209 -- Grunt grunt. You're absolutely right. Grunt grunt grunt. - Grunt grunt grunt Someone coached you well for this date. You haven't said anything I object to yet. - Date-Analyzer Grunt I see cubicle fibers...you have an office job.
971210 -- Grunt grunt. You're right. Grunt. All you do is grunt and agree with me. - I'd be lying if I said I didn't like it. You're an excellent conversationalist... It's a trap. - Aw, shucks. I'm not excellent at anything. You're *too* perfect.
971210 -- You've been COACHED!
971211 -- Sooner or later you'll say something that will lower my opinion of you. Grunt. - Men are like time bombs. At any moment you'll say something that will ruin the magic. I'm an engineer. - AAARGH!! KILL ME!! KILL ME!! I'll give you one kiss,
971211 -- no tongue.
971212 -- I finished all of my work. Can I go home early? No. - You're an 'exempt' employee. That means you're exempt from having a live. - I guess I could clench an unimportant document and shuffle around in quiet desperation. That's the spirit!
971213 -- We'll probably have to work all night on this presentation, Asok. - That's brilliant! You plan to use your inefficiency to make your procrastination look like martyrdom! - Now I have to kill you. Please do. Reincarnation is my only hope.
971214 -- We don't have a cubicle available for you yet, Bruce. - So I'm declaring this part of the carpet to be your office. - If someone goes to a meeting, you can sneak into his cubicle and use his phone. - Our computer budget is gone, but we
971214 -- have an old monitor that you could put on top of your briefcase. - Can I put tape on the carpet to mark my boundary? - That won't be necessary, thanks to this hi-tech device. A dog collar? - It will give you a mild shock if you cross your
971214 -- invisible boundary. - The new guy hasn't left that spot for a week. - Wally taught him to beg for food.
971215 -- Dilbert, I hired some contract employees from North Elbonia to help your project. - North Elbonia is an evil totalitarian regime. My project will create top secret military technology to use against them. - Sure, but you have to weigh that
971215 -- against the fact that they're willing to work for free.
971216 -- I'm a *little* concerned about your hiring communist north Elbonian contractors to help on my top secret military project. - Don't worry. What's the worst thing that could happen? I could be executed for treason. - Talk to our legal
971216 -- department. Could I opt for the execution instead?
971217 -- The company lawyer I'm working on a top secret military project. My boss hired some North Elbonians to help me. - They're communists. If I give them any information, I could be guilty of treason. I could be *executed* - Can you help? Sure.
971217 -- What would I have to do - pull a lever?
971218 -- Don't worry that we'll take any military technology secrets back to North Elbonia. - We signed these little agreements that say we won't. - HA HA HA HA HA!! Moving on...
971219 -- My project has hit a little snag. - Our north Elbonian contractors stole our military technology for their belligerent homeland. They're building a huge laser to vaporize us. - Next year, remind me to include contract employees in the
971219 -- team-building workshop. The floor is warm!
971220 -- ...The North Elbonians stole our military technology. We think they're building a huge laser to use against us. - Ask Tina the tech writer to create a user manual for them. Remind Tina how the North Elbonians treat women. - Later in North
971220 -- Elbonia Okay...the timer is set...we're lined up in single file...now we sing a Helen Reddy song.
971221 -- I'm back from training. - I got a big binder. - The training is already forgotten, but the binder will last forever. - A living monument to temporary knowledge! - I'll put it in my cubicle with the others. - Speaking of my cubicle, which
971221 -- direction is it? - Okay, thanks. That information should be in a binder. - Did he approve funding our project? Not yet. Step one was to free up funds from the training budget.
971222 -- Hi, I'm the illogical scientist. - I'm much smarter than you because scientists have invented many things. - But those are *other* scientist, not you. - Apparently you don't understand science.
971223 -- Hi. I'm Dan, the illogical scientist. - That idea won't work. I know because I've read many reports about ideas that didn't work. - You haven't even looked at my idea. Oh, I get it: you're one of those religious nuts.
971224 -- Hi. I'm Dan, the illogical scientist. That software you're writing will never work, and I can prove it. - I don't mean to be rude, but it's not logically possible to prove something *can't* be done. - It's impossible for most people, but
971224 -- *I'm* a trained scientist. Did the training involve electric shocks?
971225 -- You're my role model, Wally. - Despite all the pressure and frustration, you press on. You bend but you do not break. - My motto is "they can't break you if you don't have a spine." Wow. You're like a philosopher!
971226 -- My role model is using deception to improve his time management. Wally is dead. Sorry. - And now the daily planning session. zzzz - Asok, I don't think you've picked an ideal role model. Asok is dead.
971227 -- Wally the role model There's an art to sarcasm, Asok. - If you use your boss's own words, you can't be disciplined for insubordination. And do this with your lips. - Today I focused my resources on adding value to the product process. Our
971227 -- shareholders would be delighted to know that.
971228 -- Making soup is easy for a highly trained engineer. - I don't seem to have any "coarse sea salt." - I'll just mix regular salt with water. - Corn starch...hmm...that's basically flour. - Marjoram...I think that's french for butter. - "five
971228 -- inches of parmigiano-reggiano cheese rind." Uh-oh. - Eggs are basically cheese that comes from chickens. - Is this supposed to be served hot? You're thinking of Gazpacho.
971229 -- So, I'm thinking: What if every photon is just a densely packed universe, and to them, our universe looks like a photon? - If I'm right, I might be the first rat to win a Nobel Prize. - Stranger things have happened. Name one.
971230 -- So...each photon is a universe...then mass is just a probability cluster? That's how I see it. - Wow! I think my tiny skull is so full it's going to explode. Let me get a tarpaulin. - Have you been talking to our garbage man again? Don't
971230 -- get too close.
971231 -- ...As your consciousness passes through each universe, you tend to follow a line of probability. Got it. - And since it's more probable than matter is near other matter, you have the illusion of gravity as your consciousness moves toward
971231 -- the norm. - Did you get all that, Ratbert? - Hey, I'm not stupid. Does this Norm guy have a last name?
980101 -- I submitted our garbage man's philosophy to the Nobel Prize Committee. - I hope I wrote the theory right. I don't know shorthand so I used pig latin to save time. - Nobel Prize Committee What's an "Otonphay"? I love what you're doing wit
980101 -- your hair.
980102 -- Nobel Prize Committee Okay, we've narrowed it down to the theories we don't understand. - In science, the simplest solution is usually the best. Which of these theories is the simplest solution? - Well...that would be whatever is on top of
980102 -- the pile. Are we *sure* we can't vote for ourselves?
980103 -- Now that you've won the Nobel Prize, I guess you'll leave the garbage industry. No. - I'd miss the action. I'd miss the smells...the sights...the people... ...the rats. - I accidentally threw out a paper plate last week. Would you look for
980103 -- it? I'm kidding about the people part.
980104 -- I'll never get drunk. I don't want to be out of control. - Are you in control at work? - Well...no - Are you in control when you're on a date? - I can't get a date. - And whose idea was it to go on this walk? Yours. - Are you saying I
980104 -- should get drunk? No, no. - I'm saying the decision will be made by the beer companies. I hope they say it's okay.
980105 -- Did you go for a walk at lunch? Not exactly. - I got a bomb threat. I didn't tell anyone else, just in case it was a hoax. - It was only yesterday that I was saying my morale couldn't be lower. I bought a lottery ticket to increase the
980105 -- potential irony.
980106 -- Performance review Alice, I had to ding you for not keeping me informed about your project. - May I take a peek at your computer? - You have twelve thousand unread messages. Well, it's a little late for that now.
980107 -- Let's see...it looks like you haven't signed Ted's card yet. - STAMP - Do you thin "Congratulations" is appropriate for a death in his family? You never know.
980108 -- Are you free on Friday for Ted's surprise party? - Party? You don't give a party for someone who has a death in his family. Well...we got him a card, then flowers. It just snowballed. - I assume this will all be in good taste. I can't
980108 -- promise that. Karaoke is really hit or miss.
980109 -- Ted's brother was a mobster. Last week he was killed by a rival family's hit team. - We got Ted a sympathy card, then it snowballed into a surprise party for tomorrow. My job is to write a funny song. - For *he's* a buried good fellow...
980109 -- for he's a buried good fellow... which nobody can deny. Good.
980110 -- You'll have to write this in less technical terms for me... - Make it even less technical for my boss... even less for our VP... even less for for our EVP... much less for our CEO. - ...and compared to all the other technologies, there's a
980110 -- big difference in the mouth area.
980111 -- Wally, this is Rex Tangle, our newest employee. - Rex was specifically bred to work in a cubicle. - He looks like he'll fit right in. - Ask him about his personal life. - Rex, how's your personal life going? - I don't have one. That would
980111 -- be like stealing from the company. - Do you eat lunch? I would enjoy a good square meal. - Meet the future. Hello, you round pegs!
980112 -- Blind people often have excellent hearing. The brain compensates for any lost function by bolstering others. - In all likelihood, Ratbert, you're so dumb that you have telekinetic power. Wow! - I have the power to watch Television!
980113 -- I will debunk your ludicrous claim of psychic ability with one hundred flips of this coin. - Call it. Edge. - That is just a coincidence. I call edge for the next 99 too.
980114 -- Just because you guesses a hundred coin flips in a row doesn't mean you're psychic. Coincidences do happen. - I call seven rotations followed by an inexplicable hovering and hen noises. - That is luck... luck, luck, luck, luck, lick! Are
980114 -- we done now?
980115 -- Is this the "Skeptics Association"? I need your help to prove my rat isn't psychic. - My name is Dilbert. Yes, I can prove it: I have a passport and a driver's license. Well, yeah, it's easy to get fake id, but... - Hours later... ...okay,
980115 -- what if I take a DNA test? NO, I CAN'T PROVE I'VE NEVER BEEN CLONED!!
980116 -- I'm glad the "Skeptics Association" sent you to debunk my rat's claim of ESP. - The others don't go out much since their bad experiences as jurors on the O.J.Simpson trial. - Well, I'm glad you could make it. Let's hurry. I have to debunk
980116 -- the so-called Hubble Telescope later today.
980117 -- Ken the Skeptic... I alone know the contents of this envelope. - It's a charcoal drawing of a woodchuck eating a small orange. - Nice try, you little fraud, but that's a long way from an ink drawing of a beaver eating a tangerine.
980118 -- Here's my bill. - It's for all the time we've spent together when I didn't enjoy it. - If it wasn't fun, it must have been work. - Dogbert, let me explain what friendship is all about. - Friendship is about giving freely of oneself. It's
980118 -- about trust and sharing. - Now, I expect you'll want this back. Yes. - I need to round it up to the next hour. - No checks. You have the face of a deadbeat. I don't think I'm reaching you.
980119 -- I've used the scientific method to debunk 100% of the people who claim that they have mental powers. - Are you saying that every test you perform turns out the the way you predict it will? - What's your point? YOU'VE PROVEN THAT YOU'RE
980119 -- PSYCHIC!
980120 -- Dogbert and the Skeptic If your controlled tests have *never* found psychic powers, how do you know the test works for that sort of thing? - Isn't that like using a metal detector to find out if there are unicorns in your sock drawer? NO!
980120 -- - Later that night A Skeptic checks *all* the drawers.
980121 -- The sales force was offered a retirement buyout package of fifty dollars. - One hundred percent of the sales force elected to take the offer. - I wonder what they know that I don't know. *There's* a hole with no bottom.
980122 -- I'd quit and become an entrepreneur, but I don't know how to handle such huge risks. Denial, probably. - We got bought by our archrival this morning. - Their CEO says he plans to be as "humane" as possible. He sounds nice. Maybe we'll get
980122 -- bonuses!
980123 -- Don't worry about my flu, Alice. Germs don't fly through the air. - ACHOOO! - Remember, germs don't fly through the air. Yours are gonna.
980124 -- I finished my work despite having a slight flu. Here's your copy. - Um...you should give that copy to Wally. Wally isn't on this project. - I know. I just figure he has the least reason to live.
980125 -- It's time to go home. That means... - Hi. Right on schedule. - Wait, let me guess why you're here. - You want to discuss a document that's been on your desk for a month. - It's something that could easily wait until tomorrow. - But you'll
980125 -- insist that I handle it now because you're a sociopath. - Wrong. I majored in Anthropology. - But that was a spookily accurate guess about the document.
980126 -- I appointed myself  "deputy of common sense." - I will apply swift justice to those who exhibit a lack of common sense. - So, it's swift justice for people who aren't too swift? And I'm using a chocolate gun for irony.
980127 -- Deputy of common sense FREEZE! - You scheduled a four-hour meeting to find out why people are behind schedule! - No, look at the agenda! The fourth hour is a discussion about why morale is low! Shoot him.
980128 -- Deputy of common sense You are accused of trying to motivate your employees with insulting gifts. - You're missing the symbolism. I gave them chess pieces to show that we're all on the same team. - Specifically, you gave them pawns. I'm
980128 -- saving the rooks for bonus day.
980129 -- Deputy of common sense Are you the government safety inspector? Yup. I love my job. - Watch your step! HEY! - How does your boss determine your pay? It's based on the decrease in accidents after my inspection.
980130 -- Maybe I should quit and work for myself at home. - I would miss all the human contact. - Same as now. I'm testing my E-Mail. Did you get the "E" I sent?
980131 -- I'm thinking of quitting and working for myself. Come work for me. - Doing what? You'll invent valuable things and I'll exploit you...I mean them. - I'm not sure you'd be the best boss, Dogbert. Don't give me that input, you "resource."
980201 -- Let's start by introducing ourselves. - I'm Susan Block from I.T.G. I work for Emily Wooten. - I'm Max Blumf, I work for Susan. - I'm Alice, I work for...uh...I... - AAAGH!!! I'M FILLED WITH SHAME BY ASSOCIATION!!! - WHY ME? WHY WHY WHY -
980201 -- PLEASE TAKE ME INTO YOUR GROUP! I'M NOT TAINTED!!! - Can we start over? I forgot who the first three people are. SOB
980202 -- WARNING!! Author Norman Solomon has determined that the Dilbert comic strip is harmful to workers. - I will demonstrate the danger with this carefully controlled experiment. - Have your plans for rebellion been replaced by sarcasm and
980202 -- complacency? And I think I'm going bald!
980203 -- My new policy is to discriminate against single people. It's totally legal! - Write your marital status on this list, so I know who has no reason to go home at night. - Dang! What are the odds you'd all be polygamists?
980204 -- I'd like to talk about my career path. Okay. - My plan is to work you until your health deteriorates and your skills are obsolete. Then I'll downsize you. - I'm ill. Really? I've never had a plan work this fast before.
980205 -- I'm wearing my work clothes while I telecommute, to maintain discipline. Is it working? - I'll test the theory by seeing if my clothes stop me from going to the kitchen. - Apparently my clothes are defective. Haven't I been saying that?
980206 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director The company knows about you, Wally. - We have logs of all your phone calls, Web hits and E-Mail. We have your urine test, college grades, salary and family contacts... - It's against our policy to kill employees
980206 -- and replace them with low-paid impersonators, but I wanted you to know it's feasible.
980207 -- Our new E-Mail monitoring system shows that you sent a personal message last week. - Coincidentally, the new Alice monitoring system detects twenty hours of unpaid overtime. - According to the manual, productivity will soar now.
980208 -- Beep...beep...boop...now detecting cluelessness in the vicinity.
980209 -- I suggest that you deal with the issue on a going forward basis. - Thanks for ruling out time travel. You're usually not that helpful. - Are you saying he understands the concept of "time" now? Or he just got lucky on this one.
980210 -- Is it my imagination or am I getting sexier every day? - The mirror doesn't lie. I*am* getting sexier. - I've decided to be a supermodel. Okay, but stay away from Kryptonite.
980211 -- Do you have any "silly putty" I can use as a fake beauty mark? - Maybe you should use less. There's no such thing as too much beauty. - Meanwhile, at fashion headquarters... We got away with "heroin chic." What's next? How about dogs with
980211 -- tumors?
980212 -- Fashion headquarters You could be our next supermodel. I love the tumor. It's a beauty mark. - We prefer our supermodels to look unhealthy, in a sexy way. Okay, it's a tumor. - I can add a few more. It's just "silly putty." No, it would be
980212 -- easy to overdo that sort of thing.
980213 -- Dogbert the supermodel Your first assignment is a lingerie shoot. You'll be wearing black socks. - There's nothing sexier than a short, round guy in black socks. - Wow! It works! QUICK! GET ME A BIG BLOCK OF ICE TO SIT ON!
980214 -- How does it feel to be a sex symbol? Good. Playgirl In socks! - I realized that what's inside a person doesn't count because no one can see it. - I didn't realize you were such a philosopher. That's my point!
980215 -- I finished the technical recommendation you requested. - At first I was miffed that you told me what recommendation you wanted. - It made me feel useless and weak. - But rather than dwell on my powerlessness... - I decided to find joy
980215 -- in the one decision I *can* make. - I chose a Helvetica type font. And I never looked back. - Oh, so that's what's wrong with it. - I coach and I coach, but they still walk out of here all rubber-legged.
980216 -- I've been chosen for the industrial espionage program. - The plan is that I quit this job and work for our competitor. Every week I'll send back secret reports. - Bob, this is how we fire dumb people. That's why it's the perfect cover.
980217 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director The company's goal is to double the efficiency of all employees. - Question: If we double our efficiency, won't you downsize half of us? - Don't talk to anyone in marketing; they aren't so good at math.
980218 -- I'm going to make an infomercial. - I'm targeting the people who want to invest their savings but don't know how. - I hope you plan to sell educational information about how to avoid scams. Good idea for phase two!
980219 -- Would you like to make $1,000 per month for a whole year? - Send $13,000 for complete information about Dogbert No-load funds. - I'll include my free pamphlet explaining how to lose weight by eating less food. Show the number.
980220 -- Dogbert the consultant From now on, refer to your employees as "knowledge assets." - That will send an unmistakable message. - He calls us "knowledge assets" now. He must think we're complete morons. It's an unmistakable message.
980221 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director Your personal lifes reflect on this company. - From now on, a strict dress code will be enforced in your homes. - On the plus side, it's one less decision I have to make every day.
980222 -- Happy birthday, Alice! - I was planning to get a gift... - But then I thought... - Why not give the money to charity an Alice's name? - Really? Which charity? - Um..."The united society of poor people with major health problems." - ...and
980222 -- Dilbert got me an ashtray, even though I don't smoke. You don't? - They say this sort of thing builds team spirit. It must be gradual.
980223 -- I believe it's what's inside a person that counts. How can you get respect for hidden qualities? - You have to act humble while generating as many clues as possible. - So, you recommend being a deceitful, manipulative, hypocritical, braggart?
980223 -- It's a funny world.
980224 -- I've been hired to find the gullible fool who continues to send anonymous chain letters to everyone. - I place the "curse of Dogbert" on all past and future senders of chain letters. - I think I saw Wally flinch.
980225 -- Oh-no! I got an E-Mail chain letter. It says I'll die if I don't send it to ten more people. - But if forward the message, the "curse of Dogbert" will be upon me. - ...So, I figured a curse is better than certain death, right? Spank you very
980225 -- much.
980226 -- ...And the "Dogbert curse" strikes anyone who sends a chain letter. But the letter said I'd die if I didn't. - You're the world's smartest garbage man; how would you handle this? - Did you know there's also a "garbage man's curse" for people
980226 -- who send chain letters?
980227 -- Are you a victim of a curse? Yes, I am. - Next on "20/20," John Stossel shows you the cure. - Ha! After the commercial I will get valuable information for people like me! Well, well. It seems my old nemesis, John Stossel, has been busy.
980228 -- Our new slogan is, "pressure makes diamonds." - How about, "pressure makes garbage more compact"? I wonder if that one is that taken. - I hate this strong job market for engineers. - "Irritation makes pearls." Or maybe "pressure makes whine."
980301 -- Good news on our budget. I made some recalculations last night. - I found a way to give more money to every project without increasing the total budget for projects! - Question: Does your new way involve poor math skills? - Ignore the skeptic.
980301 -- Hey, I have a suggestion! ? - Maybe you could recalculate our salary budget next. - And when was the last time you recalculated our vacation days? - I calculate that we have an hour left for this meeting. But I'm interested in *your*
980301 -- calculation. - I think we got greedy when we asked if he had change for a five.
980302 -- I need help on the assignment that you said is a "no brainer." - It's easy. Just skip the "interface design" phase and make everything beige. You can't go wrong with beige. - I always know where to go for no-brainer decisions.
980303 -- Project status Due to budget cuts, our new project will have no user interface. - Our target market is people who are too shy to return products. - Is it a bad sign if you spend the day wondering why there are no laws against what you do for
980303 -- a living?
980304 -- Sales conference Here's the product you'll be selling next quarter. It has *no* user interface! - That means no bulky user manual. And no loss of function during a power outage! - You were right. Our sales people can't distinguish good from
980304 -- evil. I strained a smile muscle. Clap clap clap clap
980305 -- From now on, I'll be using the chaos theory of management. - ? ? ? - And this will be different how? Now there's a name for it.
980306 -- It takes a certain type of personality to telecommute, Dogbert. What? - Just because other people have personalities doesn't mean *you* should try to develop one. - I *have* a personality! Let's not get into that "is zero a number" debate
980306 -- again.
980307 -- I estimated the hours it would take to do an excellent job on all the projects you've assigned. - That would be fifty hours a day. So I recalculated for "adequate" results. That would be forty hours per day. - Well, to make a long story short,
980307 -- let's skip down to "complete fiduciary misconduct." Blah blah blah blah blah
980308 -- Tina, we need to set measurable objects for you. - I'm a technical writer. How can you measure good writing? - Everything is measurable if you try hard enough. - Is that your well-reasoned opinion? - Or is it the dogmatic babbling of a manager
980308 -- in total cognitive surrender? - For example, we could measure the number of words you type. - We'll have to subtract the words you delete. That way we won't motivate the wrong behavior. - In this edition of Tina's hourly newsletter, I compare
980308 -- our projects to various types of wood.
980309 -- This is very technical. I'll explain... - SNAP - Gallery of googly-eyed marketeers Drool! Good one.
980310 -- Alice, I'm sending you to Elbonia to inspect our factory. - Fill out a trip justification form for my approval. - So, I need your approval to do what you told me to do? It will not be unreasonably withheld.
980311 -- I'm off to Elbonia, the land of waist-deep mud and misogyny. - On the plus side, you can kick people and blame if on the mud weasels. - What's wrong, Yugi? One second you are complimenting this chick, next second screaming. Mud weasel.
980312 -- Elbonian factory tour This is the sweat shop where we make our company's product. - We attach huge clamps to each employee's head. Why? - We tried cubicles but it damaged morale.
980313 -- Here's my report on the hideous treatment of employees in our Elbonian factory. - The employees are forced to wear huge clamps on their heads. - Then I said, "the employees can't complain because they have no union." Swift.
980314 -- I'll call you back in one hour, Irene. - You're in a different time zone, so you'll get the call in...um...three hours. - Really? You're three hours *ahead*? Then that means...whoa! You're freaking me out here!
980315 -- While you toil in utter futility, I'm building my personal "brand equity." - I'm increasing my skills and my contacts every day. - My dream is to become the "Kleenex" of engineers! - 'Scuse me. I have real work to do. - Ooh...sneeze coming. -
980315 -- AAAAH... - CHOO! - I think of Wally as the "Kleenex" of engineers. Me too.
980316 -- I just read that the average woman is paid 75 cents for every dollar that men make. It's an outrage! - I'm the highest paid engineer in the company. - That's impossible. The article says "average women" earn less. Suddenly, the problem comes
980316 -- into focus.
980317 -- This article says men are paid 25% more than women. How do you explain that? - Actually, it says women make 75 cents for every dollar that men make. That's *33%* more for men. - I suppose there's almost no chance you'll praise me for my math
980317 -- skills right now.
980318 -- Alice, one day I hope we can be judged by our accomplishments and not our gender. - I got my fourteenth patent today. I'm on my way to a lunch banquet in my honor. - And you wore *that*?
980319 -- Our user manual has a typo. Our technical support calls are going to a phone sex place. - Complaints are way down. - Customer's house Well, okay, but...has that ever worked? No complaints yet.
980320 -- I'll need a letter of reference to apply for a job in another division. No problem. - ...For a man of his hygiene, he doesn't steal as much as you think. I suspect he's on drugs. - And then he says you're prone to anger and denial. Is that
980320 -- true? NO!!
980321 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director My boss is preventing me from transferring to a great job. - That's outrageous! There shouldn't be any great jobs in this company. - Once again, you've made a bad situation worse. That's the human resources promise.
980322 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director - There's been a slight change in the vacation policy. - Are we getting more vacation days? - You must be new here. - As you know, all vacation time must be used in the year it is earned. - I realize this is not
980322 -- always convenient. So I've decided to be flexible. - From now on, any time you spend in the restroom will count as vacation. - We should complain. If you need me, I'll be taking a porcelain cruise.
980323 -- My new product is a database of famous serial killers. - You can search the database by name, weapon or tattoo. - Let me guess, Wally: Six months ago our young intern asked you what the term "killer application" meant.
980324 -- I can replace your cubicles with "personal habitats." - They look exactly like cubicles, but we've made huge advances in what they're called. Is it expensive? - If money is an issue, you could start with the "hellhole junior" model and
980324 -- upgrade later. Do you have pictures?
980325 -- Your cubicle has been replaced by a "personal habitat." - It's exactly like your cubicle but much less cluttered. - Hey, all my stuff is in the trash can! That's a funny thing to call your personal storage unit.
980326 -- I'm the rag man from project luser. - Budget cuts have hit our project hard. I'm forced to beg for resources. - I can spare some pencil shavings. Excellent! We make coffee out of that.
980327 -- Can you spare any office supplies? I'm on an underfunded project. - How about a three-ring binder with one ring? Score! - I'll melt into the background and let you get back to your palace and your fancy coffee. It's a mocha.
980328 -- I hate being on an underfunded project. - Can you spare some resources, lady? How about that intern? Are you using him? - First you have to learn how to give yourself a sponge bath at the water fountain.
980329 -- I can only give you a two percent raise this year, Alice. - Because your job was not very challenging. - How could you possibly think it wasn't challenging? - You exceeded all your goals without complaining. - Compare that to Wally's
980329 -- performance. He complained all year. - And he missed every goal! Now *that's* a challenging job! - WALLY IS A FILTHY WEASEL! - Maybe his hygiene isn't the best, but he was right when he said you would stab him in the back.
980330 -- I can't give you a raise because you're above the salary midpoint. But at least your stock options are doing great! - I don't have any stock options. Oh. I'm probably thinking of me. - Next, it says I should coach you on your interpersonal
980330 -- skills.
980331 -- Is it my imagination, or is your necktie getting shorter every day? Heh heh... - I'm gradually moving toward casual clothes. In six months this necktie will be gone and no one will notice. - Everyone noticed when you went bald. I'm bald?
980401 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director I'm not enjoying my job. - Take this powerful anti-depressant drug for the rest of your life. I didn't know H.R. could prescribe drugs. - I'd hate a world where that was illegal. "Boss-proof cap."
980402 -- Human resources is prescribing powerful antidepressants to improve morale. - The label says it may cause "unwarranted optimism about your dead-end job." - I gotta get me some of that.
980403 -- Look at the warning label on Alice's anti-depressants. - It can cause fatigue, disorientation, memory loss, and lack of sex. - I wonder how long we've been taking them. There's no way to know.
980404 -- Alice is overdosing on antidepressants. We must induce vomiting. - Look at our mission statement, Alice. The people who wrote it earn ten times your salary. - The plan worked perfectly, up to the point where all three of us were heaving
980404 -- and Alice was punching on us.
980405 -- ...Now let's look at our year-to-date variance in depreciation. - Only five minutes left of our four-hour meeting. zzzzzz - If he keeps droning, there won't be any time for *my* presentation. zzzzz - I spent a whole week preparing my
980405 -- presentation. zzzz zzz - Everyone else is already asleep. - My only hope is to stun the presenter with a stale donut. - As you can see, there's nothing to report. - I wasted a donut. zzzz zzzz
980406 -- I am Mordac, the preventer of information services. I bring new guidelines for passwords. - "All passwords must be at least six characters long...include numbers and letters...include a mix of upper and lower case..." - "Use different
980406 -- passwords for each system. Change once a month. Do not write anything down." Squeal like a pig!!!
980407 -- I am Mordac, the preventer of information services. I come to confiscate your non-standard computer. - You'll give me a new one, right? This is heavier than it looks. - I'll have to disable it and leave it here. The new one is already on
980407 -- its way, right?
980408 -- Request denied. The information services department does not upgrade non-standard computers. - It's not a upgrade. It's a replacement. Our policy is that it's an upgrade unless you discard the old one. - Your trash is declined. Our policy
980408 -- is "no computers."
980409 -- I'm not allowed to get a new computer until I get rid of this old one. - The janitor won't allow it in the trash; union rules won't let me carry it to storage. So I built this catapult. - Like I always say, every problem has an engineering
980409 -- solution.
980410 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director There will be no layoffs after the merger. - However, many of you will be transferred to jobs on a frozen asteroid. - Will we have protective space suits? I label you "not a team player."
980411 -- If I don't accept the transfer to a frozen asteroid, I'll be surplussed. - Ted, let me show you something on this map. - See this tiny island? Yes. That's where the people who care live.
980412 -- I criticize my co-workers to make myself look smart. - Apparently it isn't working. - What do you mean by that? - Nothing. Ooh, that reminds me to add nuts to my grocery list. - I recommend that we have weekly sessions until you run out of
980412 -- money. - Can you cure me? - No, I'm paid by the hour. I'll give you problems you've never even heard of. - We have a few minutes today. Would you like a false memory? Maybe something with aliens?
980413 -- I just gave my two-week notice. - YES! YES! THE ARROGANT, OBSTRUCTIONIST BORE IS HISTORY! - Everyone seems to be taking this rather well. Count me in for the goodbye lunch!
980414 -- I'm glad he quit. He was such an obnoxious, useless co-worker. - We had to be nice to him because we needed his his cooperation. The jerk! - He should check expiration date on his cologne! Next time, I will *not* give two weeks' notice.
980415 -- I'm collecting for Ed's farewell gift. - Ed, you treated me like dirt. I find you guilty and I fine you five dollars. - I just put that in here. Come back if you get more.
980416 -- Heh heh. Ed is barely out the door and I got his old computer. The scavenging was good today. - Alice is going to be miffed that she's too late for the good stuff. - You got his pants? It wasn't easy. He'd already made it to the bus.
980417 -- I fought to get your project classified as our top priority. - Did you get my E-Mail saying the project isn't feasible? - I'll wait until tomorrow to tell him he's chairman of the "quality festival."
980418 -- Alice, I'm the new guy. I look smarter than the people who already work here. - As you get to know me, I'll look dumber and dumber. - That was fast. Ooga.
980419 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director You look stressed out, Alice. - I could fix that by becoming a champion for improvements in the workplace. - Or I could give you a little booklet called "stress no more." - Hmm...I wonder which way is best. - -
980419 -- "Stress is your body's way of saying..." - "...you haven't worked enough unpaid overtime."  - I've never seen a woman's forehead ignite her hair before.
980420 -- I'm going to a very important conference. What's it for? - The brochure says the goal is to "create interaction around local and global issues of the coming century." - You're being sarcastic with your ears again. It sounds so exciting!
980421 -- At the airport Hey, Dilbert! We must be taking the same flight! - I'll change my seat assignment so we can talk for six hours. Oh, no! That's okay! - These flights can be very long if you don't have someone to listen to your golf stories.
980422 -- Before I check you in, let me explain something... - You're here for a technology conference. I am the only attractive woman who will talk to you for days. I am not free for coffee later. - Can I brush your hand when you give me the key?
980422 -- I'll toss it to you.
980423 -- At the conference They have some great keynote speakers here. - There's a CEO... A politician... Another CEO... And a cartoonist. - In this cartoon, Gilbert goes to a conference that has no useful content. I know guys like that.
980424 -- At the conference I liked your talk about your comic strip. Do you ever feel burned out? - You have to be funny every day. Then there are the books, the media, the speaking. So much stress... - Oops. #!*@*
980425 -- Ahh...sweet cubicle, I have returned from my trip. - It's just like being in a womb. - I just wanted to poke my head in and say hi.
980426 -- Our special guest is Tod, from the research department. - We recently did a study to assess the value of our previous research. - Sadly, all of our past work was either ignored or totally misinterpreted by idiots... - ...such as yourselves.
980426 -- So from now on, rather than do research, we'll just lie. - Play along and we'll make sure the "industry salaries" study goes your way. - Well, it's two o'clock, and that's quitting time in the research department. - You're not my role
980426 -- model anymore...I've found a new one.
980427 -- Dogbert the consultant I can give you excellent advice for $50,000 per month... - If budget is a problem, I also offer *bad* advice for the low price of $45,000 per month. - That's not a good sign.
980428 -- I saved a lot of money by hiring a low-priced consultant. - These aren't the best recommendations in the world, but the price was very reasonable. - I don't like this one about rolling on unwashed hamburger patties. Keep an open mind.
980429 -- Although your company is very profitable, I wouldn't be much of a consultant if I didn't recommend changes. - You recommend jailing our ombudsman and declaring martial law...makes sense. - Then could I shoot employees who make personal
980429 -- phone calls? It's okay with me.
980430 -- As a consultant, I am overpaid even if I do bad work. - Whereas you're underpaid even if you do good work. It's funny if you think about it. - I might have a terrible job, but at least I don't have any job security.
980501 -- Alice, I checked with the other managers; they don't know you well enough to promote you. - So we've decided to hire someone from outside the company. - At least the other managers have heard my name now. I didn't use your real name.
980502 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director I'm having trouble finding qualified external applicants. - All I have are a headless man, a mime, and a frozen Cro-Magnon guy we found in a glacier. - Does the mime bring his own invisible cubicle? I love
980502 -- those! Only if we pay his relocation costs.
980503 -- Dilbert, this is our newest employee, Matt. - Would you mind... Crushing his spirit? Right. - This little box will be your home for sixty hours a week. - It comes with an obsolete computer and a binder about safety hazards. - Your
980503 -- challenge is to look busy until someone gives you a meaningful assignment. - How long will that take? - I'm still waiting for mine. - *Safety tip 1*: Don't sit near any obsolete computers.
980504 -- I had a strange dream last night. - Research has shown that nothing is less interesting than hearing about someone else's dream. - ...But this was no ordinary grape. It was a *seedless*! My brain is gnawing its way out!
980505 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director Alice, the experts say you need to balance work and home life. - You worked 80 hours last week. That's less than half of the hours in a week. - Give us some balance, you selfish hag. This conversation took a
980505 -- nasty turn.
980506 -- The marketing department saves the day! Check out these brochures I made. - This new product will allow us to dominate the market! - But we don't make this product. That hasn't hurt our sales so far.
980507 -- Maybe it was wrong to promise our customers a product that hasn't been designed yet. - But our motto in marketing is, "it's better to ask for forgiveness than to seek permission." - Your motto needs some design work too.
980508 -- I donated a million dollars to the United Nations today. That's nice of you. - My only condition is that they name something after me. - United Nations For the millionth time: Yes, I'm *sure* we want to keep calling it France!
980509 -- Alice, you'd get more accomplished if you were less of a perfectionist. - I've asked Wally to work with you - to teach you how to be less perfect. - When did apathy and low standards become positive traits? I call it the intrapreneurial
980509 -- spirit.
980510 -- What the...? - Alice, you know we don't allow anything on cubicle walls. - It destroys the acoustic absorption of the fabric. - OUCH!! MY EARS! DON' SHOUT!! - You're right! I've ruined the acoustic absorption. - It seemed so harmless. I'll
980510 -- remove it immediately. - - Why is it worse when they agree with me? What? Eh?
980511 -- Someday I'd like to see your office. It's a cubicle, Mom. - What's a cubicle? Imagine the most beautiful place on earth... - Okay, I've got it. Now imagine you can never go there because you work in a box.
980512 -- It's so exciting to visit my son's cubicle! - I worked hard to put you in college. Now I'll se the results of my investment! - Um...you did attend classes, right?
980513 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director When you dumped more work on Wally, did he moan? Or did he scream? - It sounded like this... Aaoo-muw aahh-ow-ow!! - The staffing levels sound about right.
980514 -- The company is giving free flu shots, Wally. - The shots will be delivered by wealthy stockholders who will hunt you down and shoot you with flu darts. - At least I won't get the flu, right? You're probably thinking of the flu *prevention*
980514 -- shots.
980515 -- No one likes being hunted down and shot with flu darts, Wally. - But remember: companies are managed for the benefit of stockholders, not employees. - *I* own stock. It's in my 401(K) account. I'm not supposed to tell you, but none of that
980515 -- is real.
980516 -- I had to make some optimistic assumptions to meet the revenue target. - In week three, we're visited by an alien named D'utox Inag who offers to share his advanced technology. - Then we use his technology to design our new product? No, we
980516 -- kill him and sell the autopsy video.
980517 -- Are you the pompous airbag of the office? - Indeed. - I've been asked to deflate you. - My source tell me that you combine arrogance with trivia and try to pass it off as intelligence. - That's because I'm surrounded by fools who don't
980517 -- even know the capital of Elbonia! - I have a signed statement from your wife... - ...that you put wet laundry in the oven last night. - That explains the chewy casserole she served me this morning.
980518 -- I'm creating a comic strip called "Pipy the Ziphead." - I'm cramming as much artwork in there as possible, so no one will notice there's only one joke. - The joke is on the reader, isn't it? I'd better cram some more art in there.
980519 -- Your comic strip seems to be nothing but a clown with a small head who says random things. That's Pippy. - I'm maintaining my artistic integrity by creating a comic that no one will enjoy. - The important thing is that *you* enjoy it. The
980519 -- first two were okay, but now I'm just bitter.
980520 -- Dilbert, this is Allen, my new sycophant. - His head nods whenever I talk. But that's not the best part... - Very impressive. Is that great or what?
980521 -- So, Allen, what's it like to be a hideous sycophant? It's okay. - What's it like to have no hope of career advancement? Not bad. - Were you born that way or is it a lifestyle choice? I'll ask Mom, but I think it was bad parenting.
980522 -- That's my plan. What does everyone think? - THAT IS THE BEST PLAN EVER MADE!! WOW! OOH-WAH! YOU DA MAN!! - That's the type of hones feedback we need. I love it when you exhale in my direction.
980523 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director My eyes are sore from using the computer. - Try typing with your fingers, the way everyone else does. - Personally, I find computers very restful on my eyes.
980524 -- I'd like you to meet our newest customer. - You won't be sorry; we're one of the top five companies in this field. - I thought you said no one else makes this kind of product. - No one else makes one with so few features. - So...your
980524 -- strategy is low price, right? - No, high margins! - YOU! - I'd better ask someone what a "margin" is.
980525 -- I will now test my theory that people like to be told what to do. - QUIT YOUR JOB AND BUILD ME A PYRAMID, YOU HOMELY DOLT!!! - I liked it until the dolt part. I've noticed that honesty doesn't mix well with anything.
980526 -- What's the crown for? - There aren't any charismatic leaders in the world lately. I'm going to fill the void. - Don't charismatic leaders usually turn out to be egomaniacal, philandering sociopaths? And they look good in hats!
980527 -- Why are there no charismatic leaders anymore? Cable TV. - Scandal is the most economical way to fill new programs. They'll go after you, too. I'll need a diversion. - I don't care if it's a great news story; I will *not* take any fertility
980527 -- drugs! They're in your coffee.
980528 -- My dog put fertility drugs in my coffee. - At first I was mad. Then the tabloids offered me a million dollars for my story. - Have you seen a doctor? My agent advises against that.
980529 -- I've been eating like crazy since Dogbert put the fertility drug in my coffee. - I'm guessing I have ten of fifteen babies in there. It's hard to keep them fed. - And your only evidence of pregnancy is weight gain? Here comes another
980529 -- hoagie, kids!
980530 -- My dog slipped me a fertility drug. How soon before I give birth? - Um... It's impossible to have babies unless a woman is involved in some way. - Ooh, right, for the diapers. I'm going to give you a prescription for painful shots.
980531 -- PHARMACY - Is this one line or two? - I'll hedge my bets by standing in the middle. - This guy is confused too. - Get behind me... Get behind me... Get behind me... Get behind me... - Oh-no! He's forming a new line behind the fast cashier!
980531 -- #!%* - He's distracted! I take the angle! I win! - Stress medications are the other line.
980601 -- I'm having a severe case of telephone shyness. - I'm afraid to pick up the phone and make business calls. - I'll duck into a restroom stall until the shyness passes.
980602 -- I've been having severe shyness attacks at work. I can help. - I'll send nude photos of you to everyone on the Internet. - Will that work? All of my previous clients are dating "M�tley Cr�e" band members.
980603 -- I'll cure your shyness by putting nude photos of you on the Internet. - AAEEII!! COUGH COUGH UNH* - I didn't know the Internet could reject a body. I didn't know it could scream.
980604 -- STUPID SOFTWARE! WON'T COMPILE; EH?? - #%!** - We call it "code rage." I'm seeing a lot of it lately.
980605 -- How much budget do you have for my project? I can't tell you. - If you knew what your budget was, you'd spend it all. - Can you at least tell me what our company strategy is? No, I don't want you to lose hope.
980606 -- Our pointy-haired boss won't tell me our company's strategy. - So I spend my days wandering from cubicle to cubicle, trying to deduce the strategy. - So far I've outruled "first to market." and "premiere" anything.
980607 -- I need coffee. - But I'm too tired to go get it. - I'm in a downward spiral! - My arms go limp. The antidote is only yards away but I am immobile. - Maybe someone will notice and bring coffee. - My co-workers found me. I'm saved! - - As
980607 -- the frenzied mob yanked off my trousers, someone spilled coffee on me. Wow, lucky.
980608 -- Catbert: evil H.R: director Bad news: the employees are reading a newspaper. - If they see the low unemployment rate, they'll know the balance of power has swung their way. - I plan to use the cat as a gargoyle on my cubicle roof. If you
980608 -- run a current through him you can zap bugs.
980609 -- This week I discovered that the demand for engineers exceeds the supply. - I responded by increasing my insolence and decreasing my productivity. - I will never hire another engineer as long as I'm alive. Equilibrium has been restored.
980610 -- Your cubicle roof is looking good. Yep. - I love being a skilled worker in a period of low unemployment. I can get anything I demand. - Hey, Poindexter, fetch me a lemonade. Poink Ouch
980611 -- Unlike you people in marketing, I have highly sought technical skills. - I'm too valuable to fire. So from no won, I'll deliver my project status on a balled-up piece of paper. - Is the cheerleader squad ready? Grrr
980612 -- I'd like to reopen the question of what vendor we'll use, even though it's too late to change anything. - I darn you to heck! You will spend an eternity with other indecisive dullards! - WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME??! Here is fine.
980613 -- Dangerous asbestos has been found in every room in our building. - The problem will be addressed using a...scientific process. - Something called attrition.
980614 -- DOGBERT'S FIRST LAW OF BUSINESS Reality is always controlled by the people who are most insane. - Example Thanks for agreeing to work on my project. - I never agreed to work on your project. - You can't change your mind now! It's too late
980614 -- to get someone else! Um...I'm not changing my mind. I clearly said I would *not* work on your project. - YOU LYING WEASEL! I'LL RUIN YOU!! - OKAY! OKAY! I'LL WORK ON YOUR PROJECT! - Wally, thanks for agreeing to donate your computer to my
980614 -- project. What?
980615 -- No one in my division is using the company drug treatment program. This is very embarrassing. - My boss will think I'm not managing the drug problem. Don't *any* of you have a drug problem? - #!*%* CHILDPROOF "MIDOL" CONTAINER!! Hmm...
980616 -- Drug treatment program The first step is to admit you have a drug problem. I don't - My pointy-haired boss forced me to be here because he thinks it makes him look proactive. - Hallucinations are common during withdrawal. Let's do an
980616 -- inkblotch test. AAAGH!!
980617 -- Drug treatment program Alice, I'd like to talk to you about your registration form. - Under "objective", you said you want to use my "turnip-shaped head as a battering ram to break out of here." - Alice, drop the duct tape. Stay tense;
980617 -- that will help.
980618 -- Out top executives are in a special strategy lockup meeting, . The meeting won't end until they agree on a new strategy, so it might be a while. - Maybe if I wedge my broom here I won't forget where I put it.
980619 -- I just heard that all our top executives got locked in a conference room and starved to death. - Why didn't they use the phone to call for help? - One wee ago... It's agreed: we dial 8.3 to get an outside line. Uh-oh. This one doesn't do
980619 -- decimals.
980620 -- An executive search firm is trying to find a new C.E.O. for us. It'll be tough. - No ethical person would board a sinking ship just to plunder its treasure. - Are you ready to take the challenge? Oh, I'll take more than that!
980621 -- What the...? - You responded to quickly to my E-Mail. - Obviously you aren't focusing on priorities. - I do E-Mail while my program is compiling. - You can't weasel out of this with you technical Mumbo Jumbo. - You win. I'll ignore your
980621 -- E-Mail from now on. - The important thing is that I win. - I wonder if *my* programs ever compile.
980622 -- Mister Dogbert has returned as our C.E.O. because no one else wants the job. - I can't tell you my plan for the assets of the company...but it rhymes with "village." - I hope it's "fillage."
980623 -- Dogbert the C.E.O. I need a personal "gopher." Are you interested? Sure! - Good. You'll wear a special uniform and have a special office to show your status. - Sheesh. I haven't made a bank shot yet.
980624 -- Dogbert the C.E.O. I've decided to manipulate our stock price for personal gain. - I'll spin off a few divisions, buy back some of our stock and announce massive budget cuts. - Um...do you even know what products we make? How would that be
980624 -- relevant?
980625 -- Dogbert the C.E.O. I make a motion that the board of directors double my pay. - All in favor, bleat like sheep. - Ba-a-a Ba-a-a Ba-a-a I think we're missing a check or a balance somewhere.
980626 -- Dogbert the C.E.O. The "United Charities" would like you to be chairman this year. - I'd be honored. Oh, and while you're up, cancel the company health plan. - One week later Under his leadership, our free clinics have handled *twice* as
980626 -- many people. Thanks United Charities
980627 -- Dogbert the C.E.O. I'm an investment banker. I can help you loot this place and escape. - You'll merge with my other client company. Your golden parachute kicks in. Then you exercise your stock options on the uptick. - You rarely see a
980627 -- merger announcement with the phrase, "so long, suckers." Ouch.
980628 -- Our next product will determine the future of our company! $ - I need a project leader who has a passion for success! - Would that leader get extra pay? - It's not about money, Wally. It's about passion for success! - All I have is a vague
980628 -- preference. How about you? - Yes, I'm feeling something...maybe it's... - No, it's just my allergy medication. - What was it like? It tingled.
980629 -- Where's that budget forecast I asked for? - I put it on your chair this morning. - I'd better look again.
980630 -- Dogbert's tech support I don't know how to use my E-Mail. - You need to upgrade your I.Q. a few points. Try listening to classical music. - My old nemesis, Mister Radio, we meet again.
980701 -- Dogbert's tech support Our software is perfect. The problem must be with you. - Go to the cat scan machine in the break room and insert your head. I'll monitor you from here. - DO YOU SEE THE PROBLEM? I blame it on the tight labor market.
980702 -- Dogbert's tech support How may I abuse you? The Internet is slow. What causes that? - That can only be caused by you looking at porn. - I'll need your name for our records. click
980703 -- I like men who have a sense of humor. - ...but not the joke-telling kind - the spontaneous kind - like when you spill something and we both laugh. - Maybe I'm trying too hard.
980704 -- I don't understand why you like the things you like. - I'm forced to conclude that you're socially defective. - Isn't it normal for people to have unique preferences? Do you have to argue wit *everything* I say?!
980705 -- My posterior is growing to fit the size of my chair. - Is that possible? - Posteriors are like goldfish. They grow to the limit of their environment. - That's ridiculous. I have the biggest chair. That would mean... - Forget that I brought
980705 -- it up. Well, back to work. - Mission report. Success. - The glue on his chair should be set by now. - I guess this is why goldfishes don't use chairs.
980706 -- Catbert: H.R. director "Consistent with our effort to eliminate privacy and dignity... - "...employees must share hotel rooms on all business trips." - After they get used to this, I'll introduce the tandem showering policy.
980707 -- Wally, as you know, employees must share hotel rooms at the conference... - So I was wondering if you'd like to...you know...be my roomie. Sure. - We'll have to agree on some rules. I can only spoon on my right.
980708 -- I hate sharing a hotel room on business trips. - I need to do my exercises before I go sleep. Do you mind? - There are so many ways this could be bad. I'm still a bit winded from yesterday.
980709 -- Sharing a hotel room I forgot to pack my exercise shorts. - I guess I can do my jumping jacks without clothes. It's just us guys. - Single occupancy isn't so hard to get.
980710 -- I don't see why our web pages need URLs. Get rid of them. - Did that make sense at all? Yes, it's brilliant. - Give me a month and I'll replace our URLs with uniform resource locators. Perfect.
980711 -- I'm pleased to report another week of stellar accomplishments! - I moved more than 800,000 bits of data to a disaster recovery back-up facility! - Did you just take credit for copying a file to a diskette? It was my resume.
980712 -- I can't believe I get paid for this. Blah Blah - This thing lasts two more hours. - Maybe I should fidget with my pen. - I'm too late. Now I'd look uncreative. Fidget. - I wonder how long I can hold my breath. Fidget. - Fidget. - WHUMP! -
980712 -- Ooh, *two* pens. What would *that* be like?
980713 -- I hired my son to manage our technology development group. - He's young, but I'm almost positive he went to college. - Where did you go to college? Actually, I hid in our attic for four years.
980714 -- My Dad taught me everything I know. - He used to say "don't drink the pickle juice until the pickles are gone." - Was this a big problem at your house? Have you ever been hit in the eye with a pickle?
980715 -- Son-of-a-boss You have to make our product so simple that even my Mom could use it. - It's already so simple a hamster could use it. How much dumber is your Mom? - Maybe we should leave my Mom out of this. *My* Mom is a physicist.
980716 -- Son-of-a-boss My complete lack of knowledge has not gone unnoticed. - I've been promoted to vice president of marketing! - If you feel the need to buy me a gift, I'd love a piano.
980717 -- Is your project plan done? I can't do a plan until you tell me the strategy. - My strategy is to make you do the plan. - Sometimes the leadership just radiates from my body.
980718 -- My name is Myron, not Moron! - Next time that you run spell check, don't automatically take its suggestions. - What's "spell check"?
980719 -- Here's the goal that will motivate you for the next year. - "Build a global satellite network. Budget: $12,000." - Motivation feels much different from what I imagined. - I was expecting a light, energetic feeling. - But it's more like
980719 -- being pinned under a burning couch. - Whoo! I'm getting dizzy. - I'd better lie down until the motivation wears off. - He's going to be trouble during the next round of budget cuts.
980720 -- Excuse me. I couldn't avoid hearing your conversation outside my cubicle. - I think I speak for a lot of cubicle dwellers when I say... - SHUT UP!!
980721 -- You haven't interfered with my project in weeks. Something must be wrong. - I believe in empowering my employees and staying out of the way. - Am I going to find my real boss's body in a dumpster? There's extra money in the budget. Would
980721 -- you like a bonus?
980722 -- I think the earthlings are getting suspicious. - Keep acting competent and caring. Our prisoner says that's how leaders act on their world. - Carol, let me do the org chart on my PC. You have too much work already. AAAGH!
980723 -- No one suspects that the real boss is in a prison tube on my spaceship. - Is it okay if I wear shorts? Sure. I only care about the quality of your work. - If our boss were replaced by an alien, would that be a bad thing? It depends on the
980723 -- alien.
980724 -- Apparently my boss has been replaced by a highly intelligent alien. - That means my real boss is being held captive in some sort of hideous alien prison. - What do you to plan to do about it? It was just an observation.
980725 -- Tell us your management secrets, earthling. - You have too many full-time aliens flying this UFO. Downsize half of them, then roll out the ISO9001 process. - ...But despite all of my help, they still plowed into a snow-covered alp.
980726 -- I need some management fire power. - The VP of marketing says we can't use the vendor we selected... - Let me write this down. - Do you want some paper? No, I'll use this tissue...oops. - Anyway, the other vendor can't deliver. Oops. - I
980726 -- have some note paper. No, this is fine. Oops. - All you have is a blotch on a scrap. - It's more of a reminder than a detailed note. - Hmm...it's not so useful when I put it with the others.
980727 -- My boss told me to buy a bunch of equipment we don't need. - That way our budget won't get cut next year. I'm so proud of you, son. - How do you say this with a straight face? I try to imagine you as a Navy seal.
980728 -- ...And we'll buy a dozen of these. We're trying to spend our budget so it doesn't get cut next year. - This is great! You guys are so dumb that I don't even have to use my fake personality to make the sale! - ...and nine of these blue
980728 -- things. There's a full moon on the horizon!
980729 -- I haven't talked yet, but all the good points have been taken. Blah blah Blah blah - We must make sure our momentum aligns with our value-added distribution! - That was just babble, right? All the good points were taken.
980730 -- I have no useful skills or knowledge. I compensate by "raising issues." - Our salespeople haven't been trained for the new product!! - Someone should have a meeting about that. Wow, I can actually hear oxygen being wasted.
980731 -- I'm a worthless employee who cuts out newspaper articles and routed them around. - I used to make sure the articles were relevant, but that was more work than it was worth. - I saw this already. It's from your paper. You always leave it in the
980731 -- third stall.
980801 -- Do you mind I jump on the garbage? - I don't even know why, but when I see a fresh pile of garbage, I just want to jump up and down on it. - The best things in life are silly. YEE-HA!!
980802 -- Performance review Let's see how many of your objectives you met. What objectives? - Didn't you know you had objectives? - I don't see how I would have any time to work on objectives. - My schedule was packed. - Doing what? - Every morning you
980802 -- leave things on my chair with notes that say "urgent: handle this." - No I don't - Wally, can I see a sample of your handwriting? Uh-oh.
980803 -- Let's see what's on my schedule today. - "Give vigorous wedgie to myself." - You're right - he *will* do whatever is on his schedule. Ow! Vigorously?
980804 -- Meeting with a vendor - I'm Larry. - And these people are my vast array of unnecessary tag-alongs. - What does your product do? We didn't bring the guy who knows that.
980805 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director I'm grossly underpaid for the type of work I do now. - Write a description of your current duties. I'll be happy to do a compensation review. - Based on a true story Sadly, it appears you're not qualified for your
980805 -- own job. But one of your subordinates is.
980806 -- We won the bid to create a digital archive of the world's greatest art. - This will give us a chance to fix any errors made by the artists. Errors? - For example, there was a guy who used too much blue for a whole period.
980807 -- We've digitized and indexed the world's greatest art.  This is "The Last Supper." Nice, but... - The composition is cluttered. Delete a few of those guys. Do you have any clip art of bagels? - Do they look happy? Compared to me, yes.
980808 -- I'm creating a digital archive of the world's greatest art. But my boss insists on "fixing" the artist's mistakes. Hee hee - This is such a funny story for the newsletter. It's a funny story, but change "fixing" to "dramatically
980808 -- improving."
980809 -- We're discontinuing technical support of all our products. - A recorded message will explain it to the caller this way... - "In order to serve customers better, we've discontinued technical support." - How does that serve customers better?
980809 -- - We'll redirect those resources to other areas. What other areas? - Profits. - That makes your bonus larger. Any other questions? - Apparently I'm engulfed in evil. That's the spirit!
980810 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director Are you able to work while being constantly interrupted? - No. I would be totally inefficient, just like anyone else. - We were done with the section you had to answer honestly. Oj. In that case, interruptions
980810 -- make me stronger.
980811 -- Initiate launch sequence. - We have liftoff. - I keep waiting for this to seem like a bad ides.
980812 -- We're the first cubicle to land on the moon. - The temperature and oxygen levels are fine. Apparently the space program is a hoax. NASA must be hiding something here. - Hi. We're the women who love engineers.
980813 -- NASA put all the women who love engineers on the moon. They say it's an important experiment. - Every weekend they send a shuttle full of male NASA engineers to check on our status. - Uh-oh. We have company.
980814 -- Somewhere on the moon So, you discovered where NASA hides the women who love male engineers. - How about a little drinking contest, tough guy? The loser can never return. - We probably shouldn't have insisted on entering the contest. I'll
980814 -- miss them.
980815 -- I need this vital information by one o'clock. - If I do a shoddy job, I can finish this and still make it to the lunch! - Today I traded my work ethic for a banana. I ate that banana years ago.
980816 -- The evil director of human resources spots his prey. - Wally, you haven't filled out a vacation request form yet. - If we don't get it by tomorrow, you lose your your vacation. - Where do I get a form? We're all out. - DID THEY EVER EXIST?
980816 -- - Wally, does anything really exist, or is it all just shadows on a cubicle wall? - I leave you with that thought. - Who says philosophy is useless? Bonk bonk
980817 -- This is today's motivational message for all employees. - Today is the first day of the rest of the week. - Or is it?
980818 -- Wally, did you review my draft of the user manual yet? - The characters in the examples gave me no reason to care about them. It left me empty. - Sadly, User "B" could never love user "A" because he was a bald engineer.
980819 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director You've been a good contract employee.  We'd like to make you a regular employee. - You mean you want to pay me less? - We want you to be motivated by something other than money. Like... Stupidity?
980820 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director Yes, regular employees are paid less than contract employees such as yourself. - But if you join the company, you'll get many intangible benefits. - Maybe your stockholders would like some intangible benefits.
980820 -- They can have mine.
980821 -- The employees aren't falling for the old "intangible benefits" story anymore. - Uh-oh. We don't earn enough money to give tangible benefits to employees *and* stockholders. - Stockholder meeting Stock ...now let's discuss your intangible
980821 -- benefits... %#!*#
980822 -- Here's my time sheet, in exquisite detail. - Crinkle Crinkle Wad - It's easier to input the numbers if I make them as I go.
980823 -- Happy combined birthdays. - Today we honor the employees who had birthdays within the past year. - That's Dilbert...Alice...Asok...Did I miss anyone? - Um...You missed me. - You too? That's spooky. - I'd cut the cake but it's a plastic
980823 -- prop. - Let's sing. Does anyone know the words to "Happy Birthday"? - I'll bet those weren't the real words.
980824 -- I like to con people. And I like to insult people. - If you combine con and insult, you get "Consult." - I'm here to consult you. It sounds expensive and demeaning. ...okay.
980825 -- Dogbert consults My recommendations are based on an analysis of accountability. Ooh. - As a consultant, I'm not accountable to your stockholders. So I can recommend anything that amuses me. - I recommend that you convert all of your U.S.
980825 -- Dollars to Elbonian currency...whatever that is. The Eyecrud.
980626 -- Your performance was excellent, but there's no bonus this year - Why not? - The company lost a fortune in the Elbonian currency collapse. - But in a way, it's your own fault for working here. - Thanks. - That takes the sting out.
980827 -- At this phase, the project will be reviewed by a worthless manager. - Hee-hee! I wonder if he knows what people say about him. - Why are you marking it "done"? Did you decide to skip that phase?
980828 -- Our department mascot will be the industrious beaver. - That's a picture of a woodchuck. - He looks perky. That's close enough. He could be a beaver who lives in a hole.
980829 -- Don't think of yourself as a powerless peon in a box. - You're an agent of change in a dynamic, natural work group! - Can I put that on my business cards? I'd rather not leave a paper trail.
980830 -- I need to document your procedures. It's an ISO 9000 requirement. - So...the engineers submit their time cards and then you do what? - I put them in a pile until I'm sure they're all here. - Then I move them to the magic cylinder. The trash
980830 -- can? - No, it's a magic cylinder. I put my work in there and by morning it's gone. - I've been giving you my time cards for five years. - No one has complained yet. - After today, I am *not* rounding to the nearest fifteen minutes.
980831 -- It's nice, but the weasel down the street is selling it for less. - You should never settle for the lesser of two weasels. - Now that you mention it, it *did* seem too convenient.
980901 -- This project needs your complete attention. - Wally's right. Forget the other projects and focus on that one. - Did I miss anything at the meeting? We got you a little helper for your project.
980902 -- We can only succeed if each of you works nights and and weekends for a year. - I quit. Me too. I'll clear out my desk. - Or was that supposed to inspire us? Like I'd know.
980903 -- I can't process your voucher because these receipts look fake to me. - They aren't fake. Then why aren't they notarized? - BECAUSE THEY'RE JUST RECEIPTS! And now you'll tell me there's no DNA evidence either.
980904 -- How long will it take to process my voucher? - I assign a priority to everyone. I'm happy to say you're a "one." - One chance in a million.
980905 -- Alice, thank you for your twelve-page response to my E-Mail last week. - But I was only sending it to you as an "FYI." Those decisions are already made. - If I read your reaction right, you're wondering why I didn't say FYI on my E-Mail.
980906 -- Why did the I.S. department deny my request for a PC upgrade? - BECAUSE WE ARE EVIL INCARNATE!! BUWAHAHAHA!! - I was looking for something more specific. - You didn't provide a dollar estimate of the benefits. - That's ridiculous. I can't put a
980906 -- value on every tool I need to do my job. - If you can't quantify it, then it must not be necessary. - Then why does the company give me a chair? I can't quantify that either? - Here's one more reason why it stinks to be me.
980907 -- Ring - Hello, I'm a rat. This is a consulting company. We'll pay you $200,000 per year to work for us. - I'm more interested in investment banking. *#!* Job market.
980908 -- Come work for our consulting firm and you will get this bushel of money. - All we want in return is twenty hours of work each day... - ...with clients who hate you for a variety of good reasons. At least there's no travel, right?
980909 -- Ratbert the consultant As our newest partner, you'll get the least desirable assignments. - We'll load you in the consultant cannon, shoot you to the client's site and monitor your progress. - The window is more to the left. The client is more
980909 -- to the right.
980910 -- Ratbert the consultant I'm making $200,000 per year! - - Apparently that's all I know.
980911 -- Thanks to my consulting job, I'm wealthier than you. - And I'm cuter, obviously. The only thing left is personality. - Shouldn't you be spreading disease somewhere? Three for three! Yes!!
980912 -- I built a ring with a tiny computer i it. - It only displays one character at a time. Then what good is it? - No time for chit-chat. I'm surfin' the net! Don't make me come over there.
980913 -- It's time for my annual inspirational talk! - We must work twice as hard, or the competition will crush us! - I want you to feel afraid twenty-four hours a day! - Question: Wouldn't that lower the quality of out lives? Seems like it might. -
980913 -- I'm too afraid to work here now. I wonder if our competitors are hiring. - Question: Should we continue to be afraid of our own management's incompetence? - Let's compromise. I'll cut the meeting short if you'll all agree to feel worse in some
980913 -- way. Now I remember why I only inspire them once a year.
980914 -- I got caught in traffic. - Let me recap what you missed. - We spent the past hour deciding not to change the name of our department. - You just inadvertently trained me to be late to all meetings. Oops.
980915 -- I've been building up my forearm so I'll have a bone-crushing handshake. - Why? Hey, what's this - some sort of hen party? - That was very witty, Wally. Congratulations! Oh.
980916 -- The safety award goes to Ted for his five years of injury-free work. - Thanks for this award. Without awards, there would be no incentive to avoid injuries. -
980917 -- If I work too hard, I get stressed out. But if I don't work hard, I get bored. - I recommend submerging your head in icy water twice a day. - Wouldn't that hurt? Is there no end to your list of complaints?
980918 -- I'm finding it a burden to remember your name. - From now on, I'll refer to you as either "Buddy" or "Big Guy." - How about if I get a name tag? Then you just could read it. Do I look like I have that kind of time?
980919 -- I don't have any meetings today. - I'll change all my software settings until something doesn't work. - Keep up the good work. Keep up the good managing.
980920 -- I'm going to do some personal business during my lunch hour. - Normally I would work through lunch. - But this will take a full hour. - It would only take two minutes if I used the Internet. - But the Internet is for business use only! -
980920 -- Our company has a limited number of zeroes and ones. - When they're gone, they're gone! Furthermore... - You mocked him for a full hour. Now it's time to eat.
980921 -- You're under arrest for stealing empty cardboard boxes! - The company needs those boxes to meet its recycling goals. But reuse is better than recycling. - There's got to be a way out of this cell.
980922 -- Catbert: H.R. director You can improve an employee's performance by making him feel bad about himself. - So, although that wouldn't work on me, it works fine on other people? Exactly. - I'll read your faults one at a time. Tell me when
980922 -- your performance improves.
980923 -- My source tells me that you're not meeting your objectives. - That's not true. Who are these sources? Name one objective I haven't met. - I don't even know what your objectives are. Must...control...fists.
980924 -- Who said I wasn't meeting my objectives? I can't remember. - Therefore, I have no reason to doubt the accuracy of the information. - Check the facts! That sounds like something a guilty person would say.
980925 -- I've decided to be one of those guys who says whatever is on his mind. - - Still nothing? Boy, this is a real eye-opener.
980926 -- Do you mind if I fill the gaps in our conversation with random observations? No. - So, you got a little pillow there, eh? Eh? - When I say, "Eh?", that's your cue to answer.
980927 -- Based on a true story I'm drowning in work! - You have to do something. - I could build a partition right here. - How will a partition help? - Carol, you shouldn't be afraid of new things. - If it doesn't work, we'll try something else! - - Are
980928 -- you over there? It works!
980928 -- Asok, you're the winner of the prestigious "broken binder award." - It's a once-in-a-lifetime award that is voted on by our peers. - How long have you been dumping your trash here? Since my can got full.
980929 -- We're having an all-employee talent show for charity. Tickets are three dollars! - We'll give you three dollars apiece to forget the whole thing. It works out the same. - Deal. Ironically, math is my only talent.
980930 -- This is urgent. I need it by tomorrow. - You've known about this for weeks. Now I'll have to work all night! - Could you at least say something that sounds grateful? I'm glad I'm me!
981001 -- I am Mordac, the preventer of information services! I summon the Y2K demon! - roar roar You're not as big as I imagined. I wonder why everyone is so afraid. - Cute!
981002 --
981003 -- You've been a great temporary employee. Would you like to be a permanent one? Yes! - HA HA HA!!! YOU SIMPLE FOOL!!! - What was that? That was your employee orientation program.
981004 -- This bell will improve your morale. - You ring the bell whenever you achieve a goal. - THEN YELL YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENT TO THE REST OF THE OFFICE - I know it sounds corny, but the bell has worked at other companies. - Does your information
981004 -- come from the *bosses* of other companies? - No. It comes from a magazine who interviewed those bosses. - I'll go first. CLANG CLANG - I RESISTED KILLING MY BOSS WITH A STUPID BELL!!
981005 -- From now on, anyone who misses a staff meeting must buy donuts for the next meeting. - - Did I just sell them their freedom for donuts?
981006 -- Here's another shovel full of assignments. - How am I supposed to get all of that done? Only do the most important ones. - "Identify all the acronyms that have never been used." That's an important one.
981007 -- I have time to do *one* of these two assignments. - One is essential to the business. The other one is not. Which *one* do you want me to do? Both! - I know you *want* both. But if you can only *get* one... Combine them and just do the
981007 -- one.
981008 -- It's not my policy to fire morons, Donald. Firing is expensive. - It's my policy to make your job so unpleasant that you quit. - So, your project involves being bitten by coyotes? Only two more years and I'm vested.
981009 -- Put this strip on your nose to get more oxygen to your brain. - I'm hoping it will make you a more interesting conversationalist. - How 'bout that? I'm no longer optimistic.
981010 -- I can no longer hold this inside. - YOU CALL THAT BREATHING??! GET THE OTHER NOSTRIL INVOLVED!  - I wonder if he'll ever realize that I just enjoy yelling.
981011 -- It's not enough to "serve" our customers... - We must *delight* them! - You mean we have to stop price-gouging? - No, I think we can still do that. - Ooh ooh! I know! - We could stop selling products with known defects. - I'M TALKING ABOUT
981011 -- CUSTOMERS, NOT PRODUCTS!! - Do you feel like delighting customers? I barely have the empathy to pity them.
981012 -- I'm sending you to teach a class in Cobol. I don't know Cobol. - Maybe you can learn it in the plane. - Maybe I'll take some Scuba lessons up there too. I'm making my getaway.
981013 -- Why are you sending *me* to teach Cobol th the Elbonians? Wally is the one who knows Cobol, not me. - Wally said he's busy that day. Can't you reschedule the class? - Okay... Does tomorrow work for you? YOU'RE SOLVING THE WRONG PROBLEM!
981014 -- Somewhere in Elbonia I've been sent to teach you Cobol. - We don't have any computers. That's okay. I don't know Cobol. - ...and if you had a keyboard, you would do this. Oops...how do I delete?
981015 -- Dilbert teaches Cobol in Elbonia ...and that's how you fix your "Year 2000" problem. - This concludes my four-day class. Are there any questions? What's a year? - And is Cobol a kind of cabbage or what? Class dismissed.
981016 -- Catbert the H.R. director Asok, it's time to groom you for management. - I don't see too many bugs in your fur. Can you lick the top of your own head? No, I can't. Then you can't be a manager.
981017 -- We'll take away the cubicle walls and force employees to work in an "open plan" office. - Surveillance cameras will record their every move. We'll monitor phone calls and Web use. We'll even test their blood! - Can we flog them? Whoa,
981017 -- Cowboy! Wait for phase two.
981018 -- It's time to delegate. - Dilbert, I want you to give me a new cash flow estimate for your project. Okay, fine. - When will I get it? When do you need it? - As soon as possible! Okay! - And when do you think that will be? - I usually wait a
981018 -- few days to see if you change your mind. - Then I'll give you last year's cash flow as a test to see if you read it. - The more experience they get, the worse they are.
981019 -- Catbert: H.R. director New policy: Employees are not allowed to eat at their desks. - Because why? I need a semi-plausible reason. - Because I hate you.
981020 -- Alice, meet the newest member of our team. - I hired him myself. That means I can never fire him; it would look like I made a bad decision. - Microsoft hired his head. It's in a jar in Redmond. And we got the part that goes to meetings.
981021 -- If we're going to work together, I should know your name. - Let's see if you have a wallet with some identification. - Geez, Alice, could you let the new guy settle in first?
981022 -- According to his driver's license, the new guy's name is Edward Mann. - Is his middle name Lester? How did you know that? - What we have here is an Ed Less Mann.
981023 -- The new guy isn't working out. Why not? - Maybe because he has no head. So, you think I made a mistake hiring him? - Um...no. But the new guy thinks so. Then he's fired for insubordination!
981024 -- Dogbert the consultant You must brainwash your customers to prefer your brand for no reason. - The long-term goal is to train your customers to mail you money every time they see your advertisements. - Would we send them our product?
981024 -- Hello-o-o, brain stem.
981025 -- In order to improve communications... Please don't. - Every morning I'll give you two pennies. - Every afternoon, you return them and "give me your two cents worth." - Get it? It's cute. - So, I get to keep the money if I avoid seeing you?
981025 -- - - How much will you pay me to ignore your voice mail too? - I'll pretend you're dead for a nickel. I hate them all.
981026 -- Thank you all for coming to the meeting that has no real purpose. - Maybe we could raise issues and then form action plans. - I have an urge to stomp you to death. That's not very professional of you.
981027 -- That's the plan. Now I will pretend to listen to your irrational concerns. - Go! - This is another situation where ambiguity would be better.
981028 -- Dogbert the consultant Our target market is the gullible moron segment. - Our commercials will feature an actor who seems sincere. I care about the rain forest...and you - I like kittens...and you. Wow...we made it into his top two.
981029 -- Dogbert the consultant Our ad campaign featuring phony sincerity is working. - In phase two, we'll introduce our newest product, the invisible robot. - We don't know how to make an invisible robot. Do you know how to make an empty box?
981030 -- Dogbert the consultant Some customers might complain that the invisible robot they bought from us... - ...is nothing but an empty box. I will train our support staff to handle those calls. - Customer's house According to our sensors, he's
981030 -- in your house...and he's watching you.
981031 -- Cubicle walls will be removed "in order to improve communication." - Why do the worst ideas always have the noblest sounding reasons? - Employees will be leashed and branded "in order to improve morale."
981101 -- I have a solution to our morale problem. - We need a nickname for our group. - Can it be something scatological? - Um...no. - How about something that involves monkeys? - I don't think so. - Ooh... But could it be something that's both
981101 -- scatological *and* involves monkeys? - It's hard to be optimistic while he's so grumpy.
981102 -- I must warn you. I'm one of those women who like to curse at work. - %#**!!* - That was a warmup. MY EARS FELL OFF!!
981103 -- If you anger me, I will curse at you until your eyebrows burn off. - I will demonstrate my power by burning Wally's left eyebrow. - %#**!!* OW! OW! THAT'S NOT AN EYEBROW!
981104 -- Get out of my way, weaklings! - This closed door can't stop me!  I'll curse it off its %#**!!* hinges! - You could have knocked. I'm a barger, not a knocker.
981105 -- Ann, I made a bet with Ted that you could ignite this match by swearing at it. - HOW DARE YOU BET AGAINST ME, TED, YOU #%*!!*! - Dang! How about double or nothing? I want my dollar.
981106 -- Dilbert, I'd like you to meet the humorless blob I hired. - Blob is our new creative director. His job is to foster innovation. - I have some ideas. Whoa, loose cannon.
981107 -- The presentation This cartoon says it all! Hee hee! - Uh-oh. I just realized you're all humorless blobs. - Join us, Dilbert. Be a blob. Yes...humor is uncalled for.
981108 -- Wally, you haven't done any actual work for years, yet we continue to pay you. - Have I said thanks? - I'd fire you, but your performance reviews are all "excellents." - So, my plan is to make your job a living hell until you quit. -
981108 -- You'll never win! My standards are lower than you can imagine! - I'll start by moving you to a smaller cubicle. - IS THAT THE BEST YOU GOT? HA HA HA!!! - Mom, guess who got an office wit a door!
981109 -- Catbert: H.R. director I work hard, but all I get is tiny raises. - If we gave you everything you wanted, then you would have nothing to motivate you. - I don't want to be motivated. That's why I enjoy doing it!
981110 -- I'll need a project plan to justify the resources we need to change our software. - I can make those software changes in ten seconds. Done. - Good work. Now all we need is that plan.
981111 -- I don't understand your technical recommendation, Alice. - I will rely on my keen insights about you as an engineer. - That too would require knowledge on your part. Shush!
981112 -- I AM YOUR KING! BOW BEFORE ME, PEASANT! - This was a test of the emergency monarch system. - If this were a real monarchy, you would already be wretched.
981113 -- You need to sign the non-employee certification form before I process your raise. - But this would be a lie. I'm not a non-employee. I'm only the messenger. - Where did it come from? The file cabinet.
981114 -- Why should I fill out this form? It would take an hour and it doesn't even apply to me. - I don't make the rules. I just apply them with a helpless and defeated attitude. - You're doing an excellent job. Seven more hours until quitting time.
981115 -- From now on, the organization chart will not be distributed. - And the internal phone lists will be shredded. crumple - This will prevent headhunters from easily picking us clean. - Why would headhunters call *us*? - They want to steal you away
981115 -- and double your pay at another company. - What makes you think we won't leave on our own anyway? - Because working here drains all of your initiative. - Let's prove him wrong! Yeah! I'm *not* going to shred my phone list!
981116 -- You expect me to sign this? The legalese is totally incomprehensible. You will. - Do you expect me to give up legal rights just because it's too hard to figure out what any of it means? Yes. - And initial the "involuntary biological testing"
981116 -- box. Okay, okay!
981117 -- Our new line of business is testing experimental medical procedures on employees. - Today's test is called the unicorn antidepressant therapy. - According to the instructions, in a few minutes, I'll see something that will make me laugh.
981118 -- Lately, I've been growing a unicorn horn. - In some cultures, this would be a sign of great virility. - It's time to admit that I don't know what women want.
981119 -- Don't complain to me. You signed the form giving us permission to alter your DNA. - No one reads legal documents before signing them. It makes you look stupid. - You have a point. That is *so* not funny.
981120 -- At least I can count on my Mom to love me, despite my horn. - Yes, of course, albeit not as much as before. - How much less? Don't worry. My love of unicorns practically covers the gap.
981121 -- Looks like someone has a bad case of unicornitis. - I've got a pre-horn sample of your DNA in the truck. I could fix you up with my cell normalizer. - Why do you have my DNA in your truck? It's for exactly this sort of situation.
981122 -- Our goal in this year is zero disabling injuries. - Last year, our goal was twenty-six disabling injuries. - In retrospect, that was a mistake. - We had to injure nine employees to meet the goal. - If you have an injury, fill out these forms
981122 -- immediately. - These are resignation forms. - If you cover the word "resignation" with your thumb, it's an injury report. - This place makes me sick. We'll miss you.
981123 -- I'd love my job if not for my slow-witted co-workers. - - Am not. You're drinking my soda again!
981124 -- I'm feeling much healthier since I strapped all of these magnets to my body. - That's fascinating you show them to Wally. It would have a big impact on him. Okay. - YOU ERASED MY #%!!* HARD DRIVE!!
981125 -- I'm going to teach morons how to get high-level jobs. - Why? - I'm addicted to wagging. Carry on. - Now turn your ear clockwise to get your tongue back in.
981126 -- Job counseling We'll need to disguise the fact that you're a moron. - Ironically, the best way is to become an expert in something called "knowledge management." - We must develop knowledge optimization initiatives to leverage our key
981126 -- learnings. Smart.
981127 -- Then we need to PV the DCF and get the ROI to the EOC ASAP. - Are you our new CFO or a babbling idiot who just happened to wander by? - Which one pays more? The mystery deepens.
981128 -- Chief financial officer I need one-sentence descriptions of each of your projects. - You're planning to make critical budget decisions based on *that*? Yes. - Wow. Five pages without using a period. Thank god for semi-colons.
981129 -- Welcome to the mandatory Windows NT(TM) class. - Personally, I've only been using a computer for... How long? Anyone? - But a good trainer can teach any subject. - Okay, everyone stand up and stretch! - Or sit there and glare at me. - That's
981129 -- good too. - I forgot to reserve the room with the computers, so I'll use this box. - ...and let's say this eraser is the mouse. - I left when he told us to use our teeth as a keyboard. Ooh-yah.
981130 -- Alice, you're the first recipient of the motivational "Stone of Quality." - It cost a thousand dollars to have it engraved. It's my way of saying "thanks." - There's no weapon, but I found this cool motivational rock.
981201 -- The accident left him with no brain function whatsoever. - But that hasn't stopped him from talking. I'll drive him back to work. - If I double the length of our staff meetings, we'll accomplish twice as much!
981202 -- Microsoft Headquarters We misspelled a word in our spell-checking software. You know what to do. - Um...use our market power to make the new word an industry standard? And...? - Kill myself as an example to others? In our booth at "Comdex."
981203 -- What the...? I've been sabotaged! - No, I am not part of a global conspiracy to plant a misspelled word in your "spell checker." - GASP! THEY GOT TO WEBSTER TOO!!!
981204 -- If you want to get promoted, you need lots of "face time" with your V.P. - I recommend sending photos of yourself every week. - More photos...he must be a relative. I'll start the promotion paperwork.
981205 -- This report shows how much your raise would be if raises hadn't been canceled. - Wow! My imaginary life is doing great! - Now back to pretending to work.
981206 -- Wally, may I tap in to your vast wisdom? - Okay, but make sure you pull out before your head explodes. - I've noticed that many employees are evil, sadistic obstructionists. - Do all the nuts work *here* by some strange coincidence? - Or are
981206 -- most employees evil? Don't focus on the evil, Asok. - Focus on the few employees who seem good. - *They're* the ones who will stab you when you're sleeping! Trust no one but the lazy! - Ow! Ow! Ow! I warned you to pull out!
981207 -- From now on, Asok, you'll report to Alice instead of me. - You can never directly speak to me again. Everything must go through Alice. - Tell him I understand. Submit your request by E-mail.
981208 -- Alice, you never responded to my E-mail. - Maybe I could ask my question now. In person? Send me a voice mail. - Will you respond to voice mail? Sometimes the phone company loses them.
981209 -- No one returns my phone calls... No one reads the E-mail I send. - I find myself hanging around with other pathetic, defeated losers. - No offense. None taken.
981210 -- I created a complex financial model for our company. Let's see. - It's dangerous if you don't understand it. That's what they told Lindbergh... - But that didn't stop him from inventing the lightbulb.
981211 -- I did some financial modeling on my own. - But you don't know any of the assumptions that went into the original spreadsheet. - That didn't stop me from developing a strategy. Our pay is based on the tax rate now.
981212 -- Nothing is more dangerous than a boss with a spreadsheet. - If I increase the page number, our sales go up. I'm onto something. - On page 843 the sales would be higher, but I was exhausted.
981213 -- So... Justin, tell me why you want to work here. - I want to find a cure for Asthma! - We don't do medical research here. Oh - Then I want to build the biggest hydroelectric dam in the world! - We don't do that either. What do you do? - We sit
981213 -- in fabric-covered boxes. - Shrivel Crinkle Ack! - That was the sound of your idealism dying. Show me to my box.
981214 -- I discovered I'm much cuter when I put my ears up. - It seems impossible that I could be any cuter than I was. Maybe you aren't. - I could kill you and no jury would believe I did it. Okay, *that* was cute.
981215 -- I will now use my power of cute ears to abuse the banking industry. - I'd like to make a large withdrawal from other peoples' accounts. - It was funny when I made her count it twice.
981216 -- I wonder if my ear-related cuteness will let me get away with crimes. - You passed an ambulance...on the right. - And your license is a blank piece of cardboard. I have to give you a verbal warning. I'll cry if you do.
981217 -- Hey, Alice, I brought my radio to work. You can hear it from your cubicle too. - Is there anything in particular that you want to hear? Yes, there is. - BAM BAM BAM HEY!
981218 -- I'm strongly opposed to your plan. You haven't read it. - Oh, right, but now I'm emotionally invested in my opinion. - THIS PLAN WILL NEVER WORK!! That's the meeting agenda.
981219 -- WE HATE YOUR PLAN!!! - Good, because the *real* plan is the opposite of what I just showed you. Real plan - Who wants a nice worm?
981220 -- We have a problem. - I ordered direction signs for our conference tomorrow. - But they all point to the right. I need left arrows. - Is it too late to change the site of the conference to match the arrows? - Well, that would put us in the
981220 -- middle of the lake. - I suppose we could use helicopters to build a deep-water platform hotel...by tomorrow. - Okay, but get two bids...What? - Spooky.
981221 -- I'm chatting with a supermodel who has trouble finding dates. - She says men are intimidated by her beauty and her computer skills. - Dang! The system administrator is making a move on her. TYPE FASTER!
981222 -- I set up a date with the supermodel I met on the Internet. - Supermodels don't look good in person. That's silly. - I don't know how to use a vase. Do you mind if I throw those in the trash?
981223 -- Dating a supermodel I hear the camera adds...um...eighty pounds? - Yes. And if you use black and white film, the camera adds makeup too. - Does the camera add hair? Why would it need to?
981224 -- I'll have the jumbo spaghetti meal with a loaf of garlic bread. - I'll absorb moisture from the air and sniff the mints on the way out. - Is it fun to be a supermodel? It was until now.
981225 -- I realize we're from different worlds, Bonita. - You're a famous supermodel and I'm just a sexy engineer... - But when I gaze into your...um...eye sockets... Good night.
981226 -- We must maintain a sense of urgency. Speed is the key, we must be faster than the competition. - Does that mean you'll sign the stuff that's been on your desk for a month? - Logical questions don't mix with motivational messages.
981227 -- Alice, we have a new corporate policy. - And I quote... - "initiate the description of the criteria for requirements... - "...by developing a framework for the application architecture... - "...consistent with the planning corridor specified in
981227 -- our strategic initiative." so tired - zzzz Did you get all that - Wally, come here for a minute. - Read this and tell mes if she's doing any of it right now. zzzzz
981228 -- Every work group has one sadistic nut who makes the job unbearable for everyone else. - That's why I hired Dennis. - He already seems indispensable. YOU'LL ALL DIE IN YOUR OWN VOMIT!
981229 -- The sadistic nut Are there any questions? - WHY DOES YOUR BODY LOTION SMELL LIKE THE ROTTING FLESH OF A THOUSAND DEAD CAMELS? - I assume he has valuable skills. No, you're thinking of a prima donna.
981230 -- The sadistic nut HEY, IT'S A LITTLE INTERN! Please spare me, Mister Nut. - I'M NOT CRUEL, I'M HONEST! No-o-o-o - Let me tell you why you'll never be married. No-o-o! You have to admit, it's fun to watch.
981231 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director Wally, I'm sending you home. Shorts are not acceptable dress. - These are not shorts! - Tomorrow I'll accuse him of being a skinhead. purr purr
990101 -- For the tenth year in a row, the employee satisfaction survey says morale is low. - Manager's bonuses are linked to these results. You can be sure we'll make big changes... - ...to the survey.
990102 -- The company will no longer pay for newspaper subscriptions. - I pay for this myself. This news is highly relevant to my job. - Is there anything I can do to make it less enjoyable? Just keep jabbering.
990103 -- Catbert the director of human resources So, you want a job here, Tubby? It's "Toby." - Did you just correct me? Um... - I ALONE WILL DETERMINE YOUR NAME!! - Now, what is your name? Tubby. - Tubby, is it true that you're so dumb that you... -
990103 --- ...sent your resume to the human resources department? - Do you think that's what this department does? Let me show you what I do. - I think I just became an entrepreneur.
990104 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director Your co-workers say that you're a sadistic nut. - GIMME FIVE, YOU BIG NUT! AND KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK! - Hey, I'm having a party on Saturday. Can you make it? Sure! I'll bring my spinach dip.
990105 -- Don't use the shredder today. - I rigged it to kill our new sadistic nut co-worker. Woa! Whoa! - Doesn't that void the warranty? I'll switch shredders with marketing tomorrow.
990106 -- From now on, we will celebrate our service reps who give exceptional customer service. - Question: Why would we celebrate employees who do extra work without getting extra pay? - It will make them happy. Can we celebrate the smart employees
990106 -- someday?
990107 -- We must be like eagles, not ducks. - For the eggs? - I didn't do the pre-reading.
990108 -- Alice, I need you to attend a meeting with me to handle the technical questions. - If they ask me a question, I'll move my lips while you do ventriloquism. - ...and that's why I suggest putting your IP router in a suppository configuration.
990109 -- Alice, your performance exceeded all expectations this year. - But I'm not giving you the top rating because I want you to have something to shoot for. - It's always good to have something to shoot for. Stay here while I get my harpoon.
990110 -- I'm writing a comprehensive "how to" book. - In chapter one, I teach people how to pick winning lottery numbers. - Chapter two: How to find free real estate in very nice-neighborhoods. - Chapter three: How to lose weight by eating huge tubs of
990110 -- ice cream. - Chapter four: How to build strong ABS by joining a gym and never going. - Finally, how to see angels by giving yourself a near death experience. - That last one is just to get rid of all these witnesses. - ON the plus side, I don't
990110 -- feel so bad about not recycling.
990111 -- In this week's "Wally Report," I've decided to let my hair grow long in the back. - Eventually, I'll put it in a ponytail to show I have an artistic side. - What's your artistic side? I collect coffee mugs.
990112 -- Watch this, Asok. I start out looking like a middle-aged guy with bad hair... - But simply by putting my hair in a ponytail, I transform into... - the coolest guy in the office. Curse you for raising the bar for us all!
990113 -- Wally, we're venture capitalists. We want to invest in your Web-based business. - I don't own a Web-based business. I'm just an engineer with a cool ponytail. - That's good enough for us. We like to get in early.
990114 -- Venture capitalists gave me money to start a Web-based business. - Do they know you're lazy and dishonest? I didn't come up. - What'll you create...besides accounting irregularities? That's all I have the energy for.
990115 -- Venture capitalists Despite your cool ponytail, you seem to have squandered our investment. - You'll get no more funding unless you mutter empty Internet words that make us swoon! - E-Commerce. gurgle
990116 -- How's your Internet start-up company coming? Good. - My plan is to be the dominant Internet source for tuna sandwiches. - So, if I buy one, you ship it overnight? No. You have to come pick it up.
990117 -- Security Stop. - Show me your "equipment removal authorization form." - This requires the signature of *two* employees. - Good catch. You'd better sign it so it's legal. - This seems wrong...but I don't know why. - And I'll need to see your
990117 -- birth certificate. - I don't have one. Then how do you know you were born? - I have baby pictures, but they could have been doctored by my alleged Mom.
990118 -- I used company resources to build my own Internet company. - Apparently my low job satisfaction bred disloyalty, which drifted into outright theft. - Sabotage can't be far away.
990119 -- Wally, tell our viewers how your Internet start-up got so hot. - Beats me. I was wondering how *you* got so hot. I'm burning up over here! - It says here you were an engineer. Is my ponytail doing anything for you?
990120 -- I sold my Internet business and married Roxie. - Don't worry about my money. Roxie insisted that we sign prenuptial agreements. - Now for our honeymoon. - Whoa! That's not in our agreement. He didn't read it.
990121 -- I lost my fortune and my trophy wife today. But I learned a valuable session. - munch munch munch - I hope I wrote it down somewhere.
990122 -- Our profits were good until a manager... - ...used his credit card to make a 900 call from an airplane phone. - Hey, I'm allowed to call my wife when I'm traveling!
990123 -- Do you mind if I floss? - Yes. I would be thoroughly disgusted and hate you forever. - Well, I can't please everyone.
990124 -- You spilled red wine on your shirt. - You should dilute it with white wine. - You'll thank me for this later. - I think that helped. You need salt to absorb it. - Try my Margarita. - Salt didn't work. Let's try pepper spray. Perhaps lighter
990124 -- fluid... - No harm in trying. I have one more idea. - Just once, I'd like to go to a party and not be set on fire. There's a stain on your rag.
990125 -- ...and one box of those big binder clips... ring ring - TIMMY, UNTIE THE NEIGHBOURS AND DO YOUR HOMEWORK - Maybe I'll come back later. DO *NOT* LIGHT THAT GASOLINE!
990126 -- As usual, Carol is on the phone yelling at her kids. - I wait, like a cheetah, for a chance to ask her for the key to the supply cabinet. - Are you waiting like a cheetah? I'm more of a Panda.
990127 -- Bob, have you ever noticed that the people with the people with the most experience are the ones who die? No. - My plan is to spend the rest of my life in an old coffee can, experiencing nothing. Hence, immortality. - How was your first week of
990127 -- immortality? So far, it's overrated.
990128 -- I stayed awake for two days to finish this R.F.Q. by the deadline. - But it will all be for nothing if you don't send it out today. - I'll put it in the middle of this stack so I won't forget it.
990129 -- I'm taking your urgent document to the overnight drop box, with nine minutes to spare. - The box is only eight minutes away. I'll stop for coffee first. - Don't worry. If the truck is pulling away from the box, I'll wedge this in the back
990129 -- bumper.
990130 -- Alice, we lost our biggest customer because you missed the R.F.Q. deadline. - That's because *you* said all overnight mail must go through your evil and lazy secretary. - So you're probably going to apologize and give me a bonus for my effort.
990130 -- What's your second guess?
990131 -- Make your report consistent with our strategic plan. - What's our strategic plan? It's a secret. - Are you saying you don't trust me? - I don't think it's a coincidence that most employee sabotage is done by employees. - How can I do my report
990131 -- if I don't know the strategy? - Okay, okay. I'll let you glance at it. - TIME'S UP! THAT'S LONG ENOUGH! - That's the warranty for your chair. Really? I've been managing to this for years.
990201 -- Carol, I'd like to reserve the conference room. - HA HA HA HA! I laugh at your request without even explaining why. - Someday I will be so powerful that secretaries will *have* to explain why they laugh at me.
990202 -- We didn't include engineers in the product planning sessions because...um...because... - Because we were art history majors in college. Pa-r-r-rty! - How soon can you build the cloak of invisibility? Let the man think, Clover.
990203 -- Bob, from now on, I will refer to myself in the third person. - Dogbert does this to emphasize his special brand of greatness. - Bob thinks that is a good idea. Hey! You're spoiling it!
990204 -- I need a job where my immense ego seems normal. - I've decided to be a doctor. I will determine who lives and who dies! - What? I can't die from an ulcer! Maybe not, but I enjoy the challenge.
990205 -- Doctor Dogbert I'm putting you on an extreme herbal therapy. - Come to my house once a week and eat my lawn down to one inch. - After six months, if your hair doesn't grow back, I have more herbs in my storm gutters.
990206 -- Doctor Dogbert I hurt my elbow, doctor. Let me see it. - - I recommend a career in marketing. And it's not a good idea to vote.
990207 -- I an Mordac, the preventer of information services! - I'll take your computer and your little P.D.A. too! - Do you recognize *this*? AAAGH! THAT'S MY NETWORK CABLE! - WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?! - Mordac, it is I, Catbert, the evil director of
990207 -- human resources! - YOU MADE MY PERSONAL PRINTER A SHARED DEVICE! - GRRRR!! AAAGH!! - Two wrongs make a right. Welcome to my reality.
990208 -- The "Meeting Moth" is attracted to all meetings. - Excuse me. I can't resist the urge to beat myself senseless on your table. - You have to envy his sense of purpose.
990209 -- #!** - #!** - A "meeting moth" should never go to a meeting on an empty stomach.
990210 -- My moth sense has detected a meeting. - Hi, guys! What are you talking about? Is this a meeting? I can't resist joining in. - RUN FOR IT! I'LL HOLD HIM OFF WITH THIS CEDAR-FLAVORED DONUT!!!
990211 -- Dogbert's tech support First, I need to ask you many questions. - Then I will transfer you to someone who will ask the same questions again. - We do this to remove any hope you might have had that we understand technology.
990212 -- Dogbert's tech support I'll need your serial number, which is conveniently located inside the unit. - The sticker says my warranty will be void if I open the case. - Well, call me if anything changes.
990213 -- Do you think I have too much false humility? - Try going a week without using any false humility, so I can see the difference. - Wake up, you piece of fetid carp, and experience the joy of knowing Dogbert!! This could be a long week.
990214 -- Catbert: H.R. director The ceiling in my work area collapsed. - No one else has complained. - A steel beam hit me in the head! - How can I be sure it didn't happen in your home? - There aren't any steel beams in my house!! - Maybe you removed
990214 -- them with your head. - Uh-oh...losing consciousness. - If you can hear me, don't worry! I'll write your suicide note!!
990215 -- I'd like to spend the first hour defining what "Information Technology" means. - Ooh ooh! Can I help pass out the materials? - It's not a good idea to mix enthusiasm with stupidity, Asok. Oh. Sorry.
990216 -- Catbert: H.R. director I value the input of all employees... - ...including the morons. Although in those cases, I cover my ears and sing loudly. - So I was thinking maybe... HE'S A PINBALL WIZARD
990217 -- I didn't know how to design a power supply, so I put a nail in a piece of wood. - I'm on vacation tomorrow, so I'll give you my files in case you need to make changes. - Once I had the idea, it all came together pretty quickly.
990218 -- Anyone who takes more than thirty minutes for lunch is unprofessional. - That's still too long! I say you're unprofessional after *six* minutes! - That's a little *too* professional, Wally. - DEATH TO THOSE WHO EAT!
990219 -- Would you like to see my pierced bellybutton? Um... - AAAH! AAAH! OW! OW! OW! - I still have a chance of a kiss if I keep this to dry heaves.
990220 -- This one has been on my desk for a month. It's critical. - I'll stick it back in the pile and see if it helps. - Yes, I feel better already.
990221 -- It's time now for the weekly Wally report. - By Tuesday the pointy-haired troll had dumped record levels of work on poor Wally. - Wally's happiness was in extreme jeopardy. - It was a moral dilemma too. - Would Wally disappoint the stockholders
990221 -- to save his own skin? - Or would he fight with his last ounce of happiness to complete all the assignments? - In the end there was only one choice. - You wrote the Wally report instead of working? STOP READING AHEAD!
990222 -- Dilbert, meet our new sacrificial lamb. - I filled our headcount vacancy so we have someone to dump after the next budget cut. - Should we shake hands? I don't want to get attached.
990223 -- Allen, I have to cut the salary budget. I probably shouldn't have hired you yesterday. - Luckily, I have extra money in the furniture budget. - As God is my witness, someday I will be a credenza.
990224 -- Catbert: H.R. director My boss treats me like furniture! - I'd help you, but it might set a dangerous precedent. - I need a new position. Have you tried couching?
990225 -- Our executives have started their annual strategic planning sessions - This involves sitting in a room with inadequate data until an illusion of knowledge is attained. - Then we'll reorganize, because that's all we know how to do! Have you
990225 -- tried it with a magazine?
990226 -- ...so Tina, you should have... I'm in trouble. Must use secret weapon. - WAAH!! WAAH!! EVERYONE HATES ME NO MATTER WHAT I DO!! - Thanks, that lowered the glass ceiling about a foot. I plan to marry a rich guy.
990227 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director "...new policy on reimbursement for travel..." - "do not tip more than ten percent for meals..." - "if the meal costs more than six dollars, bring back a fork." purrr
990228 -- Asok, I can't give raises to young employees. - Because as soon as you get a few dollars in your pocket... - you buy small motorcycles and disappear in the night. - I know that's generalization. - Some of you prefer the crack cocaine. - The
990228 -- good news is that I'm willing to be your mentor. - AAAGH! I GOT DOUBLE EIGHT HUNDREDS ON MY SAT!!! FOR WHAT?!! - Sometimes when I'm in a bad mood I tickle my own feet.
990301 -- ...and we know mass creates gravity because dense planets have more gravity. - How do we know which planets are more dense? They have more gravity. - That's circular reasoning. I prefer to think of it as having no loose ends.
990302 -- Prepare a presentation for our foreign visitors. On what topic? - It doesn't matter. I'm told they're from Austria and they only understand their own language. - Or was it Australia?
990303 -- They say people fear public speaking more than they fear death. - So technically, if you kill a guy who's scheduled to speak, you're doing him a favor. - When are you going to sleep? Never.
990304 -- I'd like to start with a cartoon. - It's about a guy who shows a cartoon before giving a boring presentation. - But it doesn't work because the cartoon has no punchline.
990305 -- This concludes my presentation. Are there any questions? - HOW DO I GET THE BOREDOM OUT OF MY HEAD?!! - The funny thing is that I'll list this on my annual accomplishments. AIR! I NEED AIR!!!
990306 -- I believe god created the earth because he hates people. - And I believe coffee tastes better if you stir it with your finger. - It sounds like a lonely religion. They all start that way.
990307 -- ...so our morale...umm... - What's that on your desk? It's a family picture. - I might be wrong, but I think it's only a picture of you. - The rest of the family is hard to look at. - I see no reason why I should suffer. - Now what was your
990307 -- question about morale? - Alice? - We're surrounded by freaks.
990308 -- Mwa fwa fwa ooh mah fuh. I can't understand a word you say. - And you're poorly dressed. You must be some sort of technology export. Or a rodeo clown. - There's a fifty percent chance I hired a data network engineer. I smell hay.
990309 -- WAH-WAH! WOO-WOO! - snort YEE-HA! - Just as I suspected, the new guy is a rodeo clown. He's fast.
990310 -- You must use the stars as your management guide. Does that work? - If you believe it works, then you're not bright enough to make your own decisions anyway. - So randomness is probably an improvement. Q.E.D.
990311 -- My astrologer told me to approve your project plan as is. - What? That's the correct decision. What's going on here? - My theory is that his ignorance clouded his poor judgment.
990312 -- My astrologer tells me that someone here is plotting to rip me off. - How much is your astrologer charging you? - Are you plotting to rip me off? I prefer to call it hourly billing.
990313 -- Yesterday you told me to do the exact opposite of what you told me today. - It's my way of holding you accountable. - I have a vague feeling that I am not being all that I can be.
990314 -- I'm from the Dogbert wrecking company. - I'm running a special on crushing your boss's new car in the parking lot. - What does it cost? - The first one is free. - If you're satisfied, I hope you'll consider my monthly plan. - It's the red one.
990314 -- He brags about it every day. - And when you spend that much, the dealer gives you a free model of your car! beep beep beep - And next month can you crush that little one on his desk too?
990315 -- Who are you? - I'm a scapegoat. BANG! - Oops. I was aiming for the messenger. It's his own fault for being here.
990316 -- I'm sorry you got shot, scapegoat. I'm used to it. - The worst was the day I blundered across the National Rifle Association's chili cook-off. - At first, everyone wanted to stand near me. Then the accusations started...
990317 -- I'm transferring you to the sales department, scapegoat. - Then we can make useless products and blame you for our low sales. - Wouldn't it be better to make good products? In a perfect world.
990318 -- And then I said, "How am I supposed to do all that?" Then I glared at her. - Do you have that woman's phone number? She sounds nicer than you. - I don't see why it's *my* fault she can't tell a decent story.
990319 -- Wally, did you finish the analysis for tomorrow? No. - I'm waiting until the last minute so you won't have time to ask for unnecessary changes. - I'm a step ahead of him - the analysis itself is unnecessary.
990320 -- I have to disagree with you, Alice. - Have you noticed that every time we disagree, I'm eventually proved correct? - EVERY SINGLE TIME!! Yes, but I'm always right initially.
990321 -- Alice, I'd like you to work with this big dumb guy. - He doesn't know he's dumb, so he'll tell people *you're* dumb if you ever disagree. - He's also lazy and a habitual liar. - THEN WHY DO YOU LET HIM WORK HERE?! - He has an excellent track
990321 -- record. No one knows why. - - Look what I just did. Excellent work. - Remember, Alice, you're never too old to learn.
990322 -- You're getting a visit from Hammerhead Bob! - I can't tell when I'm boring now and I don't even know it. - There's no way to end a conversation with me; I'll follow you to the bathroom. I'm nailed.
990323 -- You can't escape the relentless conversation of Hammerhead Bob. - Buwhaha! Your body language can't stop me! - WHERE'S YOUR PERSONAL SPACE NOW?! SOB EAR PLUGS, ASOK! EAR PLUGS!
990324 -- Wally, what's your project budget code? E473. - I'm switching you to E947, effective immediately. Why? - That's my new code for bald engineers. - It will grow back!
990325 -- My wife had a baby! - I hope it's not a moron. Have you looked into Foster Care? - Maybe we shouldn't have gone with our first instinct. We meant well.
990326 -- I wish we could wear Jeans at work. I'm wearing Jeans right now. - I wear my work pants over the Jeans so no one will know how comfortable I am. - Why does Wally's butt look so good today? I'm sworn to secrecy.
990327 -- I use art as a way of finding myself. - You're over there, Ratbert, in front of a bad painting! - And I did it without using any art.
990328 -- I'm trying a little experiment tonight. - I'll attribute a stupid opinion to you... - Then I'll aggressively mock you while you sit there saying nothing. - So, according to you, the Internet is a passing fad. - YOU MORON! LOOK AROUND YOU! THE
990328 -- INTERNET IS EVERYWHERE! - AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT! NOTHING!! - How did that feel? Quite satisfying. - I needed a back-up plan in case you ever get laryngitis.
990329 -- ...I'm going infrared from the keyboard to my "Linux" box. Nice, Mom. - I just sent a flaming E-Mail to Bill Gates, saying, "Linux rules!" You what? - Launch the competitionkeeper missiles.
990330 -- Dogbert, Mom told Bill Gates she uses the "Linux" operating system! - I'm tracking four incoming missiles. I'll launch our anti-Microsoft weapons to intercept. - I wondered why a press conference was being held on a huge catapult.
990331 -- Dogbert's Tech Support You'll need to do a hard reboot. Listen carefully. - Rent a van and fill it with stolen Dynamite. Park it near the power company's main relay station. - Can we talk? ...now aim the Bazooka at the van.
990401 -- Wally, I've been calling you for two hours! Why don't you answer your phone? - Is that a trick question? - Wally, unless you're in a meeting... Hold on. I'd better get this. ring ring ring
990402 -- You're suggesting a process that will fail even if we do everything right. When can you start? - Listen carefully. No amount of skill or effort can make this plan work. no pain, no gain. - You're not working with many tools here, do you? We
990402 -- need some sort of conference call.
990403 -- I never told my last boyfriend what a despicable creep he was. - BUT YOU'LL PAY FOR HIS CRIMES, AND PAY DEARLY!!! - Why don't you call him and tell him how you feel? I have a date with him at ten o'clock tonight.
990404 -- Dilbert, this is Peggy the P.R. director. - I want you to review her press release for technical accuracy. - Who wrote this? A trained squirrel? - I don't know where to begin. - I'll cross out the run-on sentences and transparent lies first. -
990404 -- Then the failed attempts at cuteness...the spelling errors...grammar. - There you go. Remember, criticism makes you stronger. - It was a mistake to make her stronger.
990405 -- Our annual ISO9000 audit is next week. - We can pass the audit if we put all of our non-conforming documents in the trunks of our cars. - Doesn't that defeat the purpose of a voluntary audit? And then torch the cars.
990406 -- Asok, I've chosen you to put our budget forecast together. - It's a hard job, but you'll get the satisfaction of making everyone hate your tiny guts. - My guts are not tiny.
990407 -- The budget cycle And I'll need a helicopter, double rotor. - If you have any respect for me or the budget process, you will not ask for such obvious budget padding. - And I'll need that chopper filled with albino tiger cubs.
990408 -- Do you have the budget calculated yet, Asok? I need to double-check the numbers. - Give me a copy now. I'll mentally adjust for the possibility the numbers are wrong. - Am I making a hug e mistake? This six is probably an upside-down nine.
990409 -- It's a funny thing about budgets... - No matter how hard you try, there's always a spreadsheet error that makes it all an exercise in futility. - Do you mind if I hum?
990410 -- I downsized the "ease of use" lab because there's no budget for a staff. - They *have* a budget. I put it on the back of these two-sided photocopies! - Well, they lived by the sword, and they died by the sword.
990411 -- There's Ted. He never sent me the information he promised. - Why have you ignored my request, Ted? - I was killed by a squadron of giant military squirrels. - He doesn't respect you enough to tell a plausible lie. - I DEMAND A *PLAUSIBLE* LIE!
990411 -- Okay, maybe I *wasn't* killed by giant military squirrels. - But I *was* imprisoned in their secret lair at the center of the earth. - You can't prove that one either way. He did say it was a "secret" lair.
990412 -- Introducing the new bonus plan. - Yes!!! I'm already working at peak performance, so that bonus is as good as mine! - Asok, Mr. Reality wanted to visit you, but his car won't start. I'm Phil.
990413 -- Asok, come to my secret lair and I will teach you about reality. - Your secret lair is a dumpster? Get in. - It's like my cubicle, but with much better lumbar support! French fry?
990414 -- Asok, life is like this dumpster. - On one hand, it stinks... - Both of my hands stink now. And you reincarnate.
990415 -- Phil, you have taught me so much about life. How can I repay you? - You can wax my huge spoon. - Why do you have a huge spoon? I'm just lucky, I guess.
990416 -- Hello. May I speak to the moron who designed my computer? - My computer locks up five times a day. I'm going to drive over to your house and kick your white, pimply... - Hi, Mom. Oh, I'll *find* it!
990417 -- We have a report that you threatened to kill a computer manufacturer. - It freezes up five times a day. I have to unplug it to turn it off. - Okay, we're with you. When's it going down? Is Tuesday good?
990418 -- Patty is our new "Process Manager." - Patty doesn't know how to *do* anything. - She only knows how to do things *better*! Process! - For example, this meeting is poorly managed because you have no process. - And this intern obviously had no
990418 -- process for deciding whether to attend. - Okay, Patty is annoying. All in favor of getting rid of her. - - You lasted longer than Timmy the "Facilitator."
990419 -- GOOD MORNING! - I said, good morning. - If I convince them they don't exist, I won't have to pay them.
990420 -- As requested, I did a "risk management" assessment. - I concluded there was no risk of any management. - Do you have anything to add? I'll get back to you.
990421 -- Dogbert Consults Eliminate phone support for your product. Provide help only via the Internet. - Then discourage people by making them answer an ominous list of personal questions. - 1. What is your home address? 2. When do you shower?
990422 -- I just realized that if my project is a success, my job will be eliminated. - The smartest thing I could do is fail miserably and blame it all on your indecisiveness. - I'm happy because I have a clear strategy! I haven't nodded in a while.
990423 -- Tell me what morale issues you have. I'll summarize them under the appropriate categories. - My managers are incompetent, arrogant, micromanaging misogynists. - That's one under "Time of Month."
990424 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director Alice, you blame others for your low morale. - BUT THE REAL PROBLEM IS YOUR TIGHT PANTYHOSE! - I don't think so. Then how do you explain your oversized head?
990425 -- Dogbert presents Managing by Analogies It's easy! - We'll solve our distribution problem the Eskimo way. Hu? - The Eskimos gather ice all winter long. - Later, during the lean summer months, the Eskimos eat the ice they stored. - We'll do the
990425 -- same thing! - But...the Eskimos would starve if they only ate ice. - Maybe they eat penguins too. They're delicious. - Did you know that the zoo can ban you for life if they catch you using a hibachi?
990426 -- I lost two pounds! I'm happy. Guess why. - Because you're supportive? Because there's less of you. - I was hoping for a scrap of encouragement. I'm all trapped out. Try back tomorrow.
990427 -- Do you have those budget numbers from last month? They're totally inaccurate. - I know, but those are the only numbers we have. Actually, we have infinite inaccurate numbers to choose from. - Let's keep those in our back pocket in case we need
990427 -- them. I'll encrypt them so no one else can use them.
990428 -- Asok, I've been calling and calling, but you don't pick up your phone. - I'd like you to meet a little something I call the "fist of death." - It looks like he gnawed through the wall to escape.
990429 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director I'm starting an employee skills database. - Question: is this the first step in moving everyone to jobs they don't want? - No, no, no...the *first* step was when I laughed myself fuzzy thinking about it.
990430 -- There's been a rash of thefts from cubicles. - The suspect is described as fat and slow-witted, with pointy hair. - The bulletin stops short of actually naming her Alice.
990501 -- I used a hidden camera to capture the thief who's been raiding our cubicles. - - The picture is grainy but I can almost make out a human form...or maybe a cat...
990502 -- The project will take six months... Time line - Unless there are unforeseen problems. - Question. - Your leadership has made me unmotivated. - Is that considered foreseen or unforeseen? - And Wally is dysfunctional on many levels. I really am. - Was that
990502 -- foreseen? Or are you saying the schedule is random? - He looks mad. I didn't see that coming.
990503 -- The boss is away. - An unscrupulous employee could send E-Mail from his account. - The following employees have odd-looking nostrils.
990504 -- Continue with your presentation while I take this quick call. Ring Ring - Go ahead and ignore me, you vice presidential pile of stinkin' money... Okay, bye. - Capital spending. Look how small my phone is.
990505 -- Asok, when I was your age I'd eat a huge breakfast, so I wouldn't have to stop working for lunch. - Then I'd eat a huge lunch, so I could work all night, or until dinner, whichever came first. - That's how I got to be the man I am today. Fat?
990506 -- This is our most reliable computer, unless you try< to use software. - It'll freeze several times a day. But you can restart it by poking a spoon into a hole in the back. - Has that ever worked? We think people are doing it wrong.
990507 -- Chest pains... My heart... - I INVENTED AN ANTIGRAVITY BELT, BUT IT'S HIDDEN!! - Do you think it's true? It's what engineers say to increase the odds of getting CPR.
990508 -- Tina, I want you to write the Chinese version of our product's instructions. - Can you tell the difference between Chinese words and random scribbles? - No. I'll be done in five minutes.
990509 -- I made a few upgrades to your design, Alice. - Do you realize you're not an engineer? - I'm better! I'm a well-rounded graduate of a liberal arts college. - The broad exposure to diverse topics made me what I am today. - A modern renaissance
990509 -- man. - You scribbled out my timing circuit and wrote in, "Moby Dick by Charles Dickens." - Exactly. I'll bet you didn't learn *that* in your engineering classes! - Poor engineers; their world is so small.
990510 -- We've reduced the volume of technical support calls... - by replacing our "on hold" music with the sound that balloons make when you rub them. - Do you ever feel like we're driving the getaway car?
990511 -- I've finished all of my objectives for the rest of the year. - What happens now? Do you double my salary, or do I take the rest of the year off? - You were wrong, Wally: there *is* harm in asking. Oops.
990512 -- I fear I am not meeting my personal goal of self-actualization. - I put all of our outdated binders in alphabetical order as you requested, yet I feel unfulfilled. - I assume that in phase two of this project I will find meaning. Now ship the
990512 -- binders to the dump.
990513 -- Wally, what is the quickest way to send these old binders to the dump? - I usually use "Fedex." Charge it to marketing; they never look at their expense reports. - Here's one more thing I can never tell anyone about my job.
990514 -- We'll redesign our processes to enable enterprise integration of knowledge resources and tools. - Question: Is it okay if I do nothing? - No. Well excuse me for making a suggestion.
990515 -- This completes my portion of the project. - This project is so well-engineered it would take a squadron of idiots to ruin it. - Meanwhile in marketing And when I'm napping, it is *not* okay to use my ears as coasters.
990516 -- Blah blah blah I'll have to be proactive to escape this boring meeting. - I'll fake my own death and hope someone drags me into the hallway. - AACK!! MY COFFEE IS POISONED! - Maybe we should drag him into the hallway. No. - Let's wait for him
990516 -- to stiffen. Then he'll be easier to drag. - We should pose him before he stiffens. - Something obscene? Or spread eagle, so he won't fit into a casket. - It never pays to be the proactive one.
990517 -- Look at this great alphanumeric pager I bought. - Wow! It's the kind that clips to your ear instead of your belt. Is it? - You're going to hell Ow! Ow!
990518 -- Wally, are you sure this kind of pager is supposed to clip to my ear? - It hurts. Maybe you can call someone to double-check. Good idea. beep beep beep - Bzzz bzzz bzzz Is there anything else I can do for you?
990519 -- Aaagh! I'm having a recovered memory of ritual abuse! - You had your annual performance review this morning. - Do the memories ever fade? It takes about twelve months.
990520 -- Well, we're almost back to my place. - Thanks for the date. I can make it from here. - I'd better attach the tracking device. I'll run down that alley and hide until he leaves.
990521 -- My date tried to run away, but I attached a tracking device to her coat. - Now I'll just compromise a spy satellite and a radio network. - ...so, if next weekend is good, nod once.
990522 -- Alice, I expect you to work all night to finish that project. It's vital! - Aagh!! I'm a victim of a random act of management! - I was sure the arm-pumping would make it seem less random.
990523 -- Can I ask a quick question? - I doubt it. - Oh, sure, it'll start as an innocent, work-related question. - Then you'll try to impress me with your knowledge of engineering... - ...in the pathetic hope that I value intelligence over physical
990523 -- appearance. WELL, I DON'T!!! I ONLY CARE ABOUT LOOKS! - Do you drive a red BMW? The lights are on. - And you still tried to ask her out? She's hard to read.
990524 -- I'll give you a million dollars if you go to work like that. - I'll call your bluff. I'm doing it. I'm going right now! Go ahead! - Tonight I expect a long debate over the exact definition of "Go to work like that."
990525 -- A bathrobe! This can only mean he found out how much market power an engineer has. - I'LL GIVE YOU a 30% RAISE IF YOU DON'T QUIT!! - Um..okay. Take me, you terry-cloth rebel.
990526 -- When I saw you wear a bathrobe to work, I knew you were a rebel. - From now on, when you come upon a group of us cool rebels, we won't suddenly stop talking. - But if *I'm* right, and yellow *is* a flavor, I get to hammer a nail into *your*
990526 -- skull.
990527 -- You must be the new office rebel we heard about. Nice bathrobe. - We're called rebels because we're easily manipulated into doing stupid things. Give it up for us! Whoo whoo! - I dare you to use branding irons on each other right now. Start the
990527 -- fire!
990528 -- You say you'd give me a million bucks if I went to work like this. Pay up. - I'll bet you double of nothing that you won't go to work totally naked. - Wait...what were his exact words.
990529 -- Carol, give everyone a copy of my reorg announcement. - They're already organized this way because I never distributed your last reorg announcement. - LET'S SEE YOUR "EMPLOYEE OF THE WEEK" DO *THAT*!
990530 -- Alice, make a few changes to this contract. - Changes? This contract was signed six months ago. It doesn't hurt to ask. - You want me to ask for a sixty percent discount? - No one said it would be easy. - You're asking me to be a clueless jerk
990530 -- in front of our primary vendor. - Please don't ask me to do this. - And ask if they'll change the part about "acts of god" to include poltergeists. - That's why our vendors never try to steal our best employees.
990531 -- But then I... Excuse me. - Does your story *ever* end? Or must I purchase your silence with my fist of death? - I might have to go to a two-warning system.
990601 -- Alice, it's okay to for men to be assertive, but when a woman acts that way... - Well, it's the "B" word. - Boxer? O-o-okay.
990602 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director Alice, did you kill another co-worker? Yes. - But you did not discriminate, sexually harass, steal or take drugs. Hmm... employee manual - It looks like I have to give you an award for your cost-saving idea. Thank
990602 -- you.
990603 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director Asok, you have taken too many training classes. Too many? - You're too skilled now. There's a risk you'll leave for a better job. - Does the "secret untraining method" work every time? I've never tried it before.
990604 -- Dogbert Consults Spray this Teflon(tm) on your body to better ignore the input of your subordinates. - SPLOIT! - Next time, shake well before using. Who cares what you say?
990605 -- That's my opinion. - That's my opinion. - Nice try, but I can wipe it off with a damp sponge!!
990606 -- E-Mail two copies to me when you're done. - Two copies? It's *E*-Mail. So? - Never mind. I'll e-mail two copies. - And fax a copy on green paper for my files. - Green? It's a *Fax*! - And bring me a hard copy of the Internet so I can do some
990606 -- serious surfing. - Motivation...gone...losing...consciousness... - How did I end up with all the lazy employees?
990607 -- I can't talk now, Wally. I'm rushing to meet my deadline. - Sounds like poor planning. Why must I suffer? - Do you mind if I stay here and think up new nicknames for coffee? Java-wava... Bean-brew...
990608 -- Will you *please* go hang around in someone else's cubicle? I need to finish my project. - Hey, I see Wally is helping on the project. Good teamwork, Wally! - I hope you do good work. I have a reputation to maintain.
990609 -- Dilbert, I'd like you to testify in the lawsuit against our company. - Tell the truth, but do it in your usual engineering way so that no one understands you. - Actually, I've decided to be a whistle-blower. Whatever. It'll all sound the same!
990610 -- The corporate lawyer Let's prepare for your court testimony. I'll pretend to be the other side. - LIAR! WHY IS YOUR ATTORNEY SO HANDSOME? WHAP? - They can hit me? I don't see why not.
990611 -- Can you explain the meaning of this internal E-Mail message? - It says we'll "use integration tools to leverage the utility of our enterprise-wide processes." - It appears to be something we call communication. PERJURY!
990612 -- Okay, whistle-blower, explain to the jury the alleged crimes of your employer. - ...then our applets were designed to corrupt cookie data from all competing portals. - Nice jury selection. So far you've made them hungry.
990613 -- So, that's my idea. What do you think? - Dilbert, you are so naive. - There are many things you don't understand. - That's because you never tell me anything! - LIKE NOW, FOR EXAMPLE! Dilbert, Dilbert, Dilbert... - Jeepers cripes! Just tell me
990613 -- what's wrong with my idea. - Lean over here so I can pat your head in a condescending way. - So you took the pat? I didn't want to leave empty-handed.
990614 -- Heh-hen...I'm using company resources to E-Mail my resume to a headhunter. - It's the perfect crime. - I've got mail!
990615 -- I just got this resume from a headhunter. - Evaluate her engineering skills and let me know if I should interview her. - Well, Alice, you're almost qualified to work here, but I'm concerned about your loyalty.
990616 -- I'll wear a clever disguise then interview for the engineering job here. - If he offers me more money than I make now, I'll take the job. Heh-heh. - You're suspiciously fashionable for an engineer. I store tools up there.
990617 -- I'm prepared to offer you $120,000 per year plus a parking space for your gigantic head. - Ha ha! It is I, Alice! I accept your offer for a higher-paying job! - Ha ha! It is I, Catbert! I'm not authorized to hire anyone! #!**ing cat!
990618 -- She's hiding her name tag so I won't get friendly with her. - I'll toss these fake babies in the air. When she catches them, I'll see her name and start flirting. - Dang! I knew I should have brought a third fake baby.
990619 -- These fake rubber babies will make me a chick magnet. bzzzzzzz - WHAP! Stupid fly. - It's tough love.
990620 -- Catbert: Evil director of human resources. I hired a new engineer for your project. - He's never been an engineer before. - But *you're* an engineer, so how hard could it be? - And he's cheap! I'll get a huge raise for being under budget. - AND
990620 -- YOUR PROJECT WILL FAIL! HA HA HA HA! - Uh-oh. I laughed myself full of static electricity. Fuzzy. Cute. - ZAP! - He's dead. Now what? I guess you'll have to drag him to meetings.
990621 -- Now move the thing next to the other thing and label it "RAM Cache." - I'm your boss, so it stands to reason that I'm a better engineer than you. - I'm telling you I'm working on my timeline chart. No, I'm sure that's a circuit design.
990622 -- Asok, I'm moving you to my "Quality Assurance" group. Gasp* - I realize this is bad for you... and bad for the company... but it solves my headcount problem. - Will that be my contribution to the world: "He solved a headcount problem"? That tops
990622 -- me.
990623 -- They're transferring me to "Quality Assurance," Wally. - BUT I'LL BE BACK, NO MATTER HOW LONG IT TAKES, OR HOW HARD! JUST STAY ALIVE!! - Wow. There must be a million web sites about Wiener Dogs.
990624 -- I'm exiled to the quality assurance department. My career is doomed. - I can't let my old department forget me. They're my only hope of returning to engineering. - It must be break time in the Q.A. department. I'll get the fire hose.
990625 -- Asok! Did you escape your job at quality assurance? - Yes. I had to take a job as a secretary's assistant. I'll work my way back up to intern. - It's four o'clock. Call my kids and yell at them. Cursing or not cursing?
990626 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director I will now use the science of face-reading to determine your potential. - I see your face riding proudly atop a mighty thoroughbred horse. - Jockey? Saddle.
990627 -- Someone should take care of that problem! - *You* could take care of it. - I can't do everything. - You don't do anything. Not a single thing. - It's my job to angrily identify problems. Wally... - That is *not* your job! What? - Everything is
990627 -- so ambiguous here! Someone should take care of that problem! - Is it just me, or is this meeting taking forever?
990628 -- Cube farming Weed. - Got it. - Suddenly there's more light...and I feel more nourished.
990629 -- Cube farming He outgrew his container. - I'll replant him in a big container with a door. - Why do tall guys always get picked? I'm sure there's a good reason.
990630 -- My cube farm has an excellent crop this year. - Here you go, fella. This will fatten you up. - If you ever need salt, just lick this pretzel stick. Mmm...ooh!
990701 -- My cube farm has an excellent yield this year. - I reckon I'll have to put this one down so he won't reproduce. - Sorry. No problem; I hear that a lot.
990702 -- Do you want to see a technical trick I taught myself? - If I shuffle my feet, I can make a tiny spark with my finger. - She's right; this thing does make an excellent doorstop.
990703 -- Dogbert's tech support If you upgrade your software, all of your data will be lost. - But if you don't upgrade, the old software will corrupt your data one bit at a time. - And if you try to back up your data, our software will hunt you down
990703 -- and bit-slap you until you delete it yourself.
990704 -- If you don't finish the project on time, I'll probably lose my job. - What would happen to us? - We would get a better boss. - We might get a better project too! - There could be weeks of confusion with no work at all! - YAY!! - It's all ours
990704 -- if we simply do less work! - Whoo! I've never felt my morale go up before. I'm dizzy. *!%*#
990705 -- It has come to my attention that some of you believe there are hidden cameras in the ceiling. - How did that come to your attention? - Hey, aren't you the one we call "Mister Itchy"?
990706 -- I DID IT! - It's a strategic technology plan that everyone supports. - If only there were a way to copy images from one piece of paper onto many.
990707 -- Your analysis disagrees with my intuition. - Your intuition also told you the Internet would be replaced by modems...whatever that means. - I'm misunderstood, just like...um...what's-his-face. Satan?
990708 -- Before I eat a sandwich, I always remove the useless edges of the bread. - That tells you what kind of manager I am. - You're the anti-crust?
990709 -- I'm here to perform an exorcism. - YOUR MOTHER IMPLEMENTS MULTI_VENDOR PROCESSES WITHOUT SYNERGY!! - Here's the problem. Someone gave you this oversized coffee mug. REORG!!
990710 -- Meet with our vendor and come up with a plan. I'll do the same with their executives. - Can you see any reason why *my* meeting might be a complete waste of time? - Sure, lots of them, but I'm planning to spring those on you during your
990710 -- performance review.
990711 -- I need your budget estimate today. - We won't have useful numbers until next week. - It doesn't work that way, Asok. No? - As soon as he asked the question, he went into "Boss Hibernation." - He can't see or hear anything until we say a number.
990711 -- Watch. - Three million dollars. Uhn! - Three million. Good work. - The first time I saw it, I panicked and ended up with a budget of $911.
990712 -- What's your new management book about? - It's a bunch of obvious advice packaged with quotes from famous dead people. - Did Ghandi really say "get that #!*% dessert cart off of my foot!"? He might have.
990713 -- Dogbert gets a loan. I plan to buy all the copies of a book I authored, thus making it a bestseller. - And I'd like to use your house as collateral. Unless it's a dump. - How are you planning to pay us back? Do you take books?
990714 -- Dogbert in Hollywood I'd like to turn your book into a movie. - We have to keep it real, so any normal person can relate to it. Do you know any normal people? - No, but I'm willing to watch movies to learn about them.
990715 -- Mister Dogbert, would you autograph my book? - Sure, kid. But I'll need to use your back as flat surface. - He's got parents. "Matthew" won't fit, so I'll call him "Allen."
990716 -- Did you know you can buy your own island nation? - They even sell a kit that helps you conquer and oppress the indigent people! - I'd like to buy Rhode Island...and one "evil tyrant" conquest kit. Would you like a flag with that?
990717 -- In tape one, I'll teach you how to conquer a small island for no money down. - First, you must travel to the place you plan to conquer. - I'm designed to sitting. That's why my butt is covered with soft fur. I think that's happening to me too.
990718 -- The Feng Shui consultant This office is swarming with evil spirits. It is? - There's one in your vent! Ooh - he ducked back in before you saw him. - Put rubber bands around your pant legs to keep the spirits out of your trousers. - I figure the
990718 -- evil spirits will mount a rear assault through that window. - AAAGH! - WHAT DID YOU SEE?!! It's gone now. - Your only hope is to turn your secretary's cubicle into a Koi pond. - Do you feel any luckier? **!*%*
990719 -- May I have a tissue? NO! - Why should the low-paid secretary provide free tissues to engineers? - Hey, free tissues! Gaaa!
990720 -- Reorganizing didn't work. We're going to try something new. - Synergistic realignment! - What did I tell you about doing "The Wave"? I got swept up in the emotion.
990721 -- Tina the tech writer My derogatory and condescending E-Mail will set things right. - Send! click - Every time I send E-Mail, I get a stomachache and an urge to flee the country.
990722 -- Why do you seek Mordac - the preventer of information services? - I regret sending an insulting E-Mail message to our  CIO. I need to delete it from the server. - The server was in that closet, right? That's the CIO's office.
990723 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director Tina, you are accused of shooting the CIO's credenza five times. - I'm writing "Tina was bad" on this cardboard. I order you to attach it to a special hat for two weeks. - How did it go? I got a suspended sentence.
990724 -- Our new software will gently warm  your keyboard so the keys are easier to press. - We'll bundle it with our software that makes your laptop lighter. - In a word, we have become "market driven." Create a diversion. I'll run for help.
990725 -- Welcome... - ...to our annual employee meeting. - Our theme this year is "The Hindenburg." - ...which I'm told was a famous cigar-shaped balloon. - Let's all thank Alice for choosing the theme and planning the event. - Now please enjoy this
990725 -- film clip of the Hindenburg. - Aaagh! The humanity! - He's coming on you. Detonate the costume. One, two...
990726 -- You gave me a project that can't get funded because it's not in the strategic plan. - And you won't let me make waves by asking for a change to the strategic plan. - So I'll be in my cubicle creating "Powerpoint" slides and praying for a
990726 -- reorganization.
990727 -- Wally, your performance is slipping again. - This calls for my most severe disciplinary action. - HE MADE YOU WATCH HIM EAT? MONSTER!
990728 -- My name is Juan Delegator. I bring you an assignment. - This is *your* assignment. You're trying to get me to do your work. Teamwork! - Well, I guess I could do you a favor. And I wouldn't say no to a haircut.
990729 -- Juan Delegator ...and this one also requires your decision before I can work on it. - Do you have any more assignments for me that I can turn into work for you? No. - And have you learned your lesson? Yes: Give all work to Alice.
990730 -- Overtime is no longer mandatory. - It's required. - I manage and I manage, but nothing seems to make them happy. grrrr
990731 -- We need six weeks to make a good product design. You gave us three. - Thanks to your leadership, the product is bad, our stock will plunge, and our lives are totally meaningless. - Oh, and happy birthday. We all signed a card.
990801 -- The new policy from our CEO bans coffee from cubicles. - Because he says, "it causes a distraction" and can "mess up desks." - How did... Hold it, Dilbert. - It's Alice's turn. You get the next easy one. - Make us proud. Ahem, ahem. - How did
990801 -- he become a CEO... - ...if he's too stupid to drink coffee and work at the same time? clap clap - Our CEO also discussed unnecessary expenses. Lucky! Ahem.
990802 -- It took me three days to enter all of my appointments into this PDA. - I'll enter our next meeting. TUESDAY... TWO O'CLOCK. - Is it voice-controlled? I sure hope so.
990803 -- Finally! I've been in the tech support queue for an hour! - Loser. - Can I speak to your superior? There's some religious debate on that question.
990804 -- Dogbert's tech support Hello, I... Shut up and reboot. - Hey, it work... Shut up and hang up. - My average call time is improving.
990805 -- Computers aren't for everyone. I love my trusty manual typewriter. - Oops. - I hope I can correct that before all my friends evolve into birds.
990806 -- I feel sick every morning. - All day long, I feel like either crying or punching people. - You've got a bad case of mahjobis crappus.
990807 -- You're a tough negotiator, but I think we have a deal. - Just sign the contract and we'll deliver the equipment. - This contract is totally different from what we agreed. - Must act surprised. Really? - Why are you springing all these
990808 -- conditions on me at the last minute? - No one has ever complained before. - May I borrow your briefcase for a minute? Um...okay. - That wasn't nice. NO one has complained before.
990809 -- Your requirements document is the biggest I've ever seen. - It's to big to read, but I can guess from its weight what must be in there. - You know it's a multi-user, global system, right? No, I'm not getting that.
990810 -- One of us will have to read this gigantic product requirements document. - Unless it gets destroyed in a freak accident. - It's like watching Thomas Edison work. I have some oily rags in my cube.
990811 -- The huge product requirements document was destroyed in a freak accident. - I'll ask marketing to send you a new copy. - I told you we can't stop the one-bee-at-a-time. We have to go for the queen.
990812 -- I'm going to capture the queen bee of marketing. - No matter what she says, don't be seduced by her marketing buzz. - A man with a rope is here to see you. I wasn't loyal enough to stop him.
990813 -- Queen Be of Marketing See if you can create a buzz over this. Yes, my queen. - Is that a free rope? Give it to me, you worthless engineer! - Look, everyone! There's enough to go around my neck and over that beam!
990814 -- It seems a bit dark in my office today. - I think you employees are hogging all the electricity. - You just double-clicked! I heard it!
990815 -- The pointy-haired boss wants to see you. - He tried to reach you by phone, E-Mail and pager. - But you resisted his electronic attempts to ruin your productivity. - So he decided to send in the ground troops. - DON'T MAKE ME USE THIS! - Could
990815 -- you wait outside while I return some phone calls? - Get to the back of the line. - Does anyone want to have a conversation? I have a magazine.
990816 -- Hammerhead Bob Are you going to lunch? I'll join you! - ...and that's why it's called a "clean room." But how clean is it really? - I'll speak louder in case the other tables want in on this.
990817 -- My spring-loaded butt will help me join nearby conversations faster. - So then I... SPROING - Did you know I'm an authority on whatever you're discussing?
990818 -- Your invention will earn the billion dollars for this company. - By the way, you're not allowed to have decorations above the walls of your cubicle. - We both did something important today. Give me five.
990819 -- Asok, you've been chosen to head our customer appreciation celebration. - The theme is "Thank goodness there are so many idiots." - When do you plan to tell him it's a joke? Let's see how the posters turn out.
990820 -- Catbert: Evil H.R. Director So you think you're leaving for a better job? Yes. - Your agreement with us bans you from working in this industry if you quit. Ha! - Holy cripes! It *does* say you can dance on my head. Hold still.
990821 -- Catbert: Evil H.R. Director In order to eliminate all traces of individuality... - All computer wallpaper must be the same. What next? - In theory, with enough helium, the employees would all sound alike.
990822 -- There's no reason to be stressed, Alice. - Allow me to be your role model. - I remain calm despite the pressure of impossible deadlines. - That's because you have no pride and no ambition! - I've worked day and night to make this deadline! -
990822 -- And when I succeed, the glory will be mine! - Our new VP just canceled the project so the last VP would look bad. - They say that when the student is ready, the master will appear.
990823 -- Dilbert, I'm putting you on a team. - You'll be working with other intelligent, highly motivated people plus... - a stubborn dumb guy with a V-neck sweater.
990824 -- You've all been chosen for this team because of your talent and professionalism. - Except for Dan, who is a big stubborn guy who will prevent our success. - Shall we commence failing? I can't do work without a vision statement.
990825 -- Big Stubborn Dumb Guy We should remove the contract employees from our E-Mail bulletin list. - Um..they need that information to do their jobs, and there's no incremental cost. - This is when you agree with me and we move on with our lives. I
990825 -- will fight you to the end of the earth!
990826 -- I'd like you to meet the little stubborn dumb guy. - If for any reason I cannot fulfill my duty to thwart your project, the L.S.D.G. will take over for me. No, I won't - YES YOU WILL!!
990827 -- We can save money by cutting used paper into little squares to use as note pads. I made these in less than one hour. - Not counting the time it took me to print the blank pages.
990828 -- Then if you... ...analyze the data... - It's a hostile takeover of my presentation! ...you'll see a pattern... - And you let him do it? He had a laser pointer the size of your head.
990829 -- Remove that last bullet point. It's stupid. Gasp. - Yesterday you told me to add that bullet point. - So either you were wrong today or you were wrong yesterday. - Everyone come quickly! He has to admit he's wrong!
990829 -- - - Say it. - Alice heard me wrong yesterday. - It takes a big man to admit Alice is wrong. CAN YOU HER AU, ALICE?
990830 -- Catbert: Evil H.R. Director We like to promote from within the company, Asok. - But what we like even more is yanking your chain and then hiring from the outside! - Explain why you work here if you're so smart. I'm timid.
990831 -- In order to save money, I made a checklist of your most common mental errors. - It'll be a hot day in hell before you need that, my friend. - I need to add a new category.
990901 -- I'm off to a meeting about your project. Is there anything I should know? - Yes. You should know how dumb it is to have a meeting about my project without inviting me. - Every time I learn something it makes me unhappy.
990902 -- Every employee gets a lovely mug with our new motto, "I made a difference." - Question: May I have the cash equivalent of the mug instead? - No. May I have a mug that says, "I didn't make a difference"?
990903 -- Mordac denies your request to add memory to your laptop! - But you would replace it if it were damaged, right? That is my policy. - Maybe I should rethink that policy.
990904 -- Catbert: Evil H.R. Director "To reduce airline travel expenses..." - "sprint across the runway and cling to the plane during takeoff." - That'll weed out the dumb ones.
990905 -- Good idea, Dilbert. I made a few changes and sent out. - GAAA! - You removed the parts that made it a visionary idea! - Now it's just an unimaginative retreat of an idea that has been widely discredited. - GAAA! AND IT HAS MY NAME ON IT! - That
990905 -- idea was the energizing force that gave me strength to work. - NOW IT'S DEAD! YOU KILLED IT! - I'd love to chat but I have to manage someone else now. gurgle
990906 -- Move out our budget system onto the under-utilized mainframe. - It's under-utilized because it's obsolete. - Reality versus management; who shall be the victor?
990907 -- Cost Everything went wrong in exactly the way I told you it would. - In the next phase you will experience something I call "reverse amnesia for managers." - Wait a minute; *I'm* the one who told *you* that the project wouldn't succeed.
990908 -- If your numbers are correct, my strategic plan is irrational. - SPOINK Cognitive dissonance takes over - You sure are bad with numbers. What was that noise?
990909 -- I found some numbers that support your strategic plan. - I had to take the square root of a negative number to do it. - The timeline is on the mobius strip. Good work.
990910 -- A prospective client will be touring our marketing department in an hour. - We need you to sit in a vacant cubicle so it looks as if work is done there. - Hey! That one is only *pretending* to work!
990911 -- Carol, come here! All of my words have squiggles under them! - The software is telling you that every sentence you wrote has bad grammar. - Press F1 for help and...it's a third grade enrollment form.
990912 -- I'm relocating to a better cubicle. - Tonight a team of movers will take my boxed possessions to an undisclosed location. - They're also going to laminate my company I.D. - I'm supposed to leave it with the guard on the way out. - And I got paid
990912 -- two days early! - It's all because management appreciated the constructive criticism I posted on the message board. - As I hoped, my condescending tone helped then to see their folly. - Do you mind if I rifle through your boxes and take office
990912 -- supplies?
990913 -- This is the bare minimum budget I need for my project. - What could you do with half this amount? Fail. - When can you start? I think I just did.
990914 -- I'm working on a project that is too under-funded to succeed. - Every day is a slow but unevitable slide toward failure and humiliation. - At least I'll always have my mom's unconditional love. Are you going to hold me to that?
990915 -- I see some water damage on your ceiling, Mom. - That's usually the first sign that the roof will collapse. What should I do? - Well, if you hear any strange sounds, you might want to leap to a window.
990916 -- Your wall is warm, Mom. Is that bad? - There's no way to be sure unless you remove the sheetrock and look. - Please stop finding defects in my house. I smell propane.
990917 -- Thanks for dropping in. Too bad you have to leave so soon. - Your sidewalk is cracking. You need to build a drainage trench, with sump pumps. - When I told her she was living in a powder keg she made a weird yelping sound.
990918 -- As you recommended, I canceled the software upgrade project. - That's the exact opposite of what I recommended. You only hear what you want to hear. - Yes, I do look thinner. It must be because of the sit-up I did yesterday.
990919 -- The boss asked me to give his presentation. - I'll start with his irrelevant comparisons. - Our budget is lower than last year... - ...when we had completely different projects. - Our average product development time is less... - ...than the
990919 -- average for companies who make different products. - Let's move on to his list of blindingly obvious insights. - If it's okay with you, I won't read them aloud. Computers are getting faster!
990920 -- Asok, the boss wants to see you in his office. - He must want to thank me for all of my hard work. Am I right? - I'm supposed to measure your torso. Is he knitting me a sweater?
990921 -- I have been summoned to the boss's office. - He probably wants to give me some sort of award for my good work as an intern. - Why do you need to know where that air duct ends? It's been bugging me.
990922 -- I have never been summoned to your office before. It is a great honor for an intern. - I need you to crawl through this air duct and find out where air comes from. - Air comes from outdoors. No, I think it's coming from our building.
990923 -- Hello, Mother. I called to tell you I get your joke. - You don't know what I'm talking about? Ha ha! You're really playing this one all the way. - It turns out that this is my actual life. It's the good part.
990924 -- The wavy pattern on the carpet is making me dizzy. - I'd better go home and sleep it off. - I'll be back tomorrow unless all the sleep makes me groggy.
990925 -- Catbert: Evil H.R. Director Wally, you've taken sick days for unusual reasons. - For example, one day you got sick because you "...accidentally imagined what it would be like if you were a fly." - And today it's your hair? I lathered and rinsed
990925 -- but I don't remember repeating.
990926 -- Dogbert the Consultant This is my final report. - I'm recommending big, big changes... - Because I know you're too cowardly to implement them. - So...it will be our fault if nothing improves. Exactly. - AAAGH!!! We can't do all of this! -
990926 -- Couldn't we just change the names of all our departments? - THOSE IMBECILES! HOW DARE THEY IGNORE MY ADVICE! - You're supposed to say that behind our backs later. I'm in a hurry.
990927 -- Our safety department has tested our drinking water and found no problem. - Then why do you only drink bottled water? - Because that's what the security department drinks.
990928 -- I'm going for a fifty-mile run. Would you like to join me? No. - I signed up for two triathlons this weekend. Do you want the entry forms? No. - Next week a few of us will be leaping into geosynchronous orbit... GAA!
990929 -- All new laptop computers will be Osbornes. - They come with something called a floppy drive. - Something tells me we're not operating on "Internet Time."
990930 -- I like your Internet business idea. Let's do it. - I sent you that idea a year ago. Since then, five companies have gone IPO in that space. - Can we buy one of them? If by "one" you mean one share of stock, yes.
991001 -- Here's what I don't understand... - You just asked me to follow a proceed that has failed thirty times in a row and you know it. - At what point can this no longer be called "optimism"? When it succeeds?
991002 -- So, what do you do for a living? - I slavishly obey the insane commands of a pointy-haired baboon. - The sad thing is that you're the best catch at the party. I work in a big box.
991003 -- I am Mordac, the preventer of information services!! - You have exceeded your allocation of disk space on the server! - I sentence you to one week without E-Mail. - No problem. - No problem? How can an engineer survive without E-Mail? - UP
991003 -- AGAINST THE WALL!! - WHERE IS IT? - He found the modem taped to my ankle but he missed my wireless pen modem.
991004 -- Wally, technology is a young man's game. - That's why I'm replacing you with this low-paid embryo. - Teach him to do what you do. He's already doing it.
991005 -- I hear you're being replaced by a low-paid embryo. May I see it? - He is so-oo cute! I'm teaching him to drink coffee. - Is that healthy? It must be. I drink six quarts a day, and look at me.
991006 -- How's the new guy doing? Not bad for an embryo in a jar. - I hate the fact that he only got fertilized a week ago and he gets paid more than I do. - In all fairness, he does obstruct progress less than you do. Everyone sides with the cute one.
991007 -- I'd better ruin then career of this upstart embryo before he replaces me. - I need volunteers to give constructive criticism to human resources. - O don't like your attitude.
991008 -- As a leader, I must listen to my customers. - What are you hearing from our customers? Not a peep. - Our customers are defective.
991009 -- A good leader listens to his employees... - No matter how much he is laughing on the inside. - Maybe this isn't a good time.
991010 -- It's "positive attitude week," Alice. - If you see a co-worker with a positive attitude... - ...give him the positive attitude paperweight. - There's one! - - It worked. He's back to normal. #*!!** - HA HA HA!! Uh-oh. **!!** - ONE MORE! QUICK!!
991011 -- Your project is twenty percent over budget and two months late. - That's because you bungled the allocation of resources. - Bosses hate the word "bungled."
991012 -- Wally, you're invited to my new "After-5 Club." - A select group of employees will meet after work to think of creative ideas. - Is there a club for people who know how to think during business hours?
991013 -- Tina the tech writer I grew tired of writing the same old stories for the newsletter. - So I started inventing stories of bizzare workplace crimes. - Sometimes we in the media have to give the copycat criminals a little kick-start.
991014 -- Our company newsletter has reports of bizarre workplace crimes. - I've never thought of these crimes before, but now I have the urge to be a copycat. - Thank goodness my parents raised me to be lazy. They were very wise.
991015 -- Your compensation is related to the number of people you manage. - Likewise, my career as director of human resources depends on the quantity of employees. - It's as if there were a conspiracy to hire hordes of incompetent employees.
991016 -- If I eliminate the training budget, I can afford to hire two more people. - Then I'll have enough direct reports to get a vice president title. - Shouldn't we have a strategy? I have one. Thanks for asking.
991017 -- My boss is so dumb, he brought a tape measure to a distance learning class. - HA HA HA HA HA! - My boss is so dumb... - He puts postage stamps on his E-Mail. Now he can't see his PC screen. - HA HA HA HA HA! - How about you, Dilbert? Do you
991017 -- have any dumb boss jokes? - Dilbert, my PC is warm. I think our fire wall is acting up. - We're sorry. We didn't know.
991018 -- Write on a scrap of paper the names of employees who do great work and put them in the hat in my office. - And then do you select one name to receive valuable rewards? - No, the scraps of paper make my hat more comfortable.
991019 -- Every department was asked how it could reduce its budget ten percent. - Your project is vital to the future of the company, so I cleverly offered to eliminate it, knowing they couldn't accept. - Now this is the funny part...
991020 -- Photography is my new hobby. - Click - Do you want a picture of me? No, I like to look at them later.
991021 -- My long-term plan is to drift into a job where I have no impact on anything. - - He was to uninspired to finish swallowing.
991022 -- I decided to try motivating you. - ...if you do a great job, you get to go on a golfing day with co-workers. - Question: Can I take a pay cut instead. zzzz
991023 -- Lately, I've been feeling a lot of pressure to do work.  Wally, do you realize this is your job? - There - that's exactly what I'm talking about.
991024 -- Dogbert's ad agency. According to my research... - ...people don't use your products when they are outdoors. - Somehow we must keep people indoors. - I recommend an intensive ad campaign... - Featuring this slogan... Outdoors is for losers -
991024 -- The TV spot will show hummingbirds attacking a man in his garden. - Question: Wouldn't that destroy the happiness of gullible people? - We'll them it doesn't.
991025 -- We'll be destroying another healthy company via a process we call merging. - NO engineers will be downsized after the merger. - And tech writers... Yes?! Should write that down.
991026 -- Tina the tech writer Why must the tech writers be downsized after the merger? - If you prick us, do we not bleed like engineers? - What kind of experiment?
991027 -- Alice, I need a career that has job security. - Teach me to be an engineer. I don't care if it takes all day. - But don't tell anyone; they'll all try to get in on this scam.
991028 -- It takes years of training to be an engineer. - But you don't need any training whatsoever to be an engineer's boss. - It's unskilled labor without the labor. I could do that.
991029 -- I'd like to enroll in Dogbert's accelerated management course. - Take out your checkbook and begin your final exam now. - Question one: what is today's date?
991030 -- I can't give you a raise because you came to work on one of your vacation days. - Employees are not allowed to change vacation days without permission.  -On an unrelated note, try to be more empowered.
991031 -- Here are the strategies from our seven silo teams. . your job is to merge them into a coherent company plan. - These are all mutually exclusive. - I'd have to totally change them to make them coherent. - In effect, I would be deciding the
991031 -- strategy for the entire company. - That's okay. Is it? - No one ever reads it anyway. - I feel sorry for those losers on the silo teams.
991101 -- Your project is to build a call center to handle customer questions. - Keep the costs down by making the working conditions inhumane. - My conscience won't allow me to harm innocent employees. We won't be paying enough to hire any innocent
991101 -- employees.
991102 -- I've been ordered to build a company call center with inhumane working conditions for the employees. - But I don't feel guilty because I'm only acting under orders. And maybe they did something to deserve it. - I might need your help to demonize
991102 -- them. I'm all over it.
991103 -- Designing a call center Give the employees six minutes of bathroom breaks per shift. - Tiny cubicles...and we'll monitor calls and have incompatible objectives, such as speed and customer service. - How's the project going? I'm still collecting
991103 -- the abuser requirements.
991104 -- Designing a call center If the employees get this volume of calls per day they will wish they were dead. - But they won't be dead, just too beaten-down to look for better jobs. - I don't know how to make it any more inhumane. We can punish them
991104 -- for not being cheerful.
991105 -- So Mister Ratbert, why should I hire you to work in my call center? - I thrive on the challenge of inhumane working conditions. - Watch me go without a restroom break for four hours! You're hired.
991106 -- Call center Here's where you'll be working, Ratbert. - This must be where people leave their shoes. - Is it okay if I hang things on my wall?
991107 -- I'm the newly designated fire warden for this floor. - You might expect me to be bitter about this assignment. - Granted, It tells the world I wasn't productive at my regular job. - And if the building burns, I'm expected to be the last one
991107 -- out. - But my only concern is your safety. - In the event of a fire, don't be too proud to panic. - If the windows won't open, try flushing yourself to safety. - And never, *ever* get between me and the exit door. Wally...
991108 -- The attendance award goes to Judy for missing the most days. - I think we all agree that morale is higher when Judy isn't there. clap clap clap - We took turns coughing on the certificate.
991109 -- ...and since our bonuses depend on things we can't control... - ...can mine be based on the performance of some other company? - You ask one question and suddenly you're not a team player.
991110 -- I'll reduce turnover by showing I care about you. - Tell me about your kids, Asok. - I don't have any. - Let's say you do for the sake of this exercise.
991111 -- Alice, I care about you... - Bunt only enough to improve your morale, not enough to be illegal in any way. - So, tell me about your health in the least specific way possible.
991112 -- Do you mind if I pretend to like you? I hear it increases productivity. - - I need to go back to my cubicle now. It's working!
991113 -- I'll come around the desk so it appears that I consider you an equal. - - So, what's on your little mind?
991114 -- Sale - Do you have any questions? - What's your best running shoe? - They're all the same. Sneakers are sneakers. - Alan, may I have a word with you? - - The expensive sneakers are far superior. I'll take them. - I feel like I'm clubbing a baby
991114 -- seal. - Will these work with my old socks?
991115 -- Alice, your name was accidentally omitted from the reorganization paperwork. - You're in a place known only as org-limbo. - Stop making it sound scary! Where did Alice go?
991116 -- Forgotten in the reorganization plan, I exist in org-limbo. - The normal people can't see me or hear me. - Sometimes the unassigned have unfinished business. I can see them.
991117 -- I can contact employees who are in org-limbo. - Hello-o-o! Why doesn't anyone return my calls? - COME TOWARD THE REVISED ORG CHART, ALICE! It's so beautiful!
991118 -- The company will not buy PDA's for employees. - Question: will you still pay for business trips of no discernable value? Of course. - A lot of people are traveling to Palm Pilot California lately.
991119 -- rrring - I've been watching you through your Web Cam and I don't think you're working hard enough. - Well, it wasn't *much* of a fire wall. I'm using your mail server to spam my Mahjongg club.
991120 -- A hacker broke into our system and found our corporate strategy. - Did he post it on the Internet? I'd like to read it. - I'm also curious about my objectives for this year. Do you have the guy's E-Mail address?
991121 -- Young Dilbert Mom, can I go skateboarding at the construction site? No. - Why not? Everyone else does it. - If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you do that? - Well, that would depend on many factors, including height, training and equipment.
991121 -- - But if 100% of the people who jumped off cliffs said they enjoyed it, as in my skateboard example... - ...then I would conclude that it was safe. - A better question might have been, "if everyone wore clothes, would you do that?" - Her
991121 -- credibility gets worse every day.
991122 -- This is our new CEO. He has a reputation as a turnaround expert. - It is a pleasure to meet you. Do you favor TQM or more of a business process approach? - I'm partial to the value-based management method. I'm not familiar with that one.
991123 -- Everyone says you're a grad turnaround CEO. - What does it take to turn around a company like this one? - I guess it's better not to be noticed the first month.
991124 -- The turnaround CEO ...from a value-based management perspective it's clear... - ...that the training department's return exceeds the cost of capital... So please don't kill me. - Okay, you're next...and begging doesn't work.
991125 -- The turnaround CEO If you let me keep my job, I'll do the work of ten people. - Specifically, it would be the ten people in our strategic planning group. - They don't do much. I'd like you to be my traitorous mole.
991126 -- The turnaround CEO Tell me, mole. Who can I fire without affecting revenue? - In theory, you could outsource everything and run the company with one smart employee. - And at the risk of sounding rude, only one of us knew that.
991127 -- The turnaround CEO The turnaround is complete. I'm off to my new job. - It's a meat packing house that needs to reduce overhead. - I figure I can switch a few room signs and finish in an afternoon.
991128 -- Catbert: evil director of human resources I love my job. - Hello, hapless employee - I've renamed the four levels of employee performance... - ...to accurately reflect the views of management. - The category of "exceeds expectations" is renamed
991128 -- to... - ..."at least he or she doesn't drool on himself or herself. - "meets expectations" will be called "loser". "does not meet expectations" will now be called "die! die! die!" - I could send it out by E-Mail but I enjoy seeing the looks on
991128 -- their faces.
991129 -- In addition to ISO9000, we will strive to be QS-9000 compliant. - That means falsifying the following documents: QSR, APQP, FMEA, MSA, SPC, PPAP and QSA. - Remember, you can't spell compliance without "liance".
991130 -- I brought my kids to work because day care is closed. - Tess is a yeller and Smokey is a biter. - Why is day care closed? The towns-people torched it.
991201 -- I thought you were telecommuting today. I'm sick. - So I came into the office to get some rest and be pampered. - Fortunately, my pajamas look exactly like work clothes.
991202 -- I can't send you to this class, Alice. We need you here. - And after we use you up, we'll need you to be someplace else. - What will I do when my skills are obsolete? Try walking around with a coffee cup.
991203 -- The Web site needs to be more webbish. - But not too webbish. - How long will that take?
991204 -- I found a book about astral projection. - I'm gonna try this during our meeting. - Does anyone want to switch chairs?
991205 -- Congratulations to my secretary Carol for getting her MBA. - At this company we believe hard work should be rewarded. - The next time you fetch my coffee, get some coffee for yourself too! - You should be promoting me, you pompous baboon! - How
991205 -- can I explain this in the most sensitive way? - The secretarial stigma will cover you like a mountain of wet carpets until the day you die. - I'm glad we had this talk.  I think it helped. - The next time you ask for coffee, we'd like to watch.
991206 -- I speak English but I think in french. - Someday I'll take french lessons to find out what the heck I'm thinking. - Croissant.
991207 -- You're all idiots. I quit! - There...I found a higher paying job two miles away. Adios, suckers. - I'm the new web designer. I hear you're idiots. Where's the Ethernet jack ?
991208 -- Webmistress Ming Our web site needs some dancing skeletons. - Normally I suggest dinosaur pictures but they're too big for our disk drives. - Are you getting this down, Ming? How do you spell "#%**!"?
991209 -- I linked our web site to various sponsors who pay us for eyeballs. - Those sponsors link to other web sites who link to us. - The net-net at the end of the day is we owe ourselves a billion dollars. Eyeballs?
991210 -- Webmistress Ming You have a broken link. I know, I know. - You have a broken link. I know, I know. - The men are getting perverse pleasure from reporting my broken links. - Your graphics are slow, too.
991211 -- Webmistress Ming Ming, I think the Internet might catch on. - I rushed over her so I could be the first to say it's a new paradigm. - Did anyone beat me? I wish someone would.
991212 -- Dilbert, come meet the two new employees. - This is Sophie, one of the best engineers in the business. - The other one is her incompetent husband. - We had to hire him so Sophie would agree to relocate. - Are you saying I didn't get hired for
991212 -- my talent? - You don't have any talent, honey. Oh, that's right. - Dilbert, your job is to do his job in addition to your own. - Do you want to see my collection of squirrel heads?
991213 -- I rescheduled the pre-meeting. - Now the pre-meeting is after the meeting. - I'll schedule some time for me to pre-care.
991214 -- Being a manager means never having to be less condescending just because you're wrong. HA HA HA HA HA - Did he finish my performance evaluation? I heard him working on it.
991215 -- I heard your project got cancelled. What? - NO! NO! WHY ME? I'LL NEVER LOVE AGAIN!! - I renounce my religion. Ouch.
991216 -- Free blood pressure screening today 135 over 88. - You're below the company average. Here's some more work. - How long did you think you could get away with that?
991217 -- We have the best employees in the world... - ...not counting the people who refuse to work here because the pay is so low. - Improve morale...done.
991218 -- Alice, I've been asked to counsel you about your abuse of co-workers. - The theory is that I can alter your personality by talking to you. - If you feel a tingle, that's probably your DNA changing.
991219 -- May I get a laptop computer? - No, but you can order one for me. - May I go to this technical seminar in Hawaii? - No, but can sign me up for it. - May I take this Friday off so I have a four day weekend? - No, but I can sit in for me while I
991219 -- take that Friday off. - May I eat this caterpillar? Give me that. - I hope they never recognize the pattern.
991220 -- Asok, I want you to observe our VP so we can figure out what our priorities are. - We've built a duck blind in his office using cubicle material. - 10:28AM, the subject is flossing.
991221 -- 2:19P.M., the VP reads a document. - The subject tries to lose the document to avoid making a decision. - 2:21P.M., the subject learns to use tools.
991222 -- Wally, don't do anything until we get the market research data. - - No longer must I put my hand on the mouse when I hear footsteps. Yes!!
991223 -- I'm creating a Web site of free medical advice. - GET SOME EXERCISE, YOU LAZY HOG!! - That's it? Nothing to do now but wait for the IPO.
991224 -- DogbertMD.com had a successful IPO today, netting billions for Dogbert. - The company has no profit now and expects no profit later. - The company issued a press release that says, "neener neener. Profits are for losers." Succinct.
991225 -- Now I'll use my hype-inflated stock to buy companies that have real value. - The lesson is that hype always triumphs over substance. - How's your moral compass doing? Spinning, just like you said it would!
991226 -- You were totally correct. - We *can* develop the product on time and under budget. - All we have to do is give up some features. - For example, the original design called for a scalable wide area network switch... - ...with multiprotocol
991226 -- support and full network diagnostics. - The new design calls for a shoebox full of yarn. - So we're in good shape..assuming yarn is free. - You're a serious threat to my open door policy.
991227 -- Our strategy is to detect any trends and react accordingly. - Isn't that exactly the same as not having a strategy? - Hey, this slide didn't make itself.
991228 -- I signed up for an executive MBA program. - It's one-hour long and I get a degree from a prestigious university. - I'd better run. I'm already a half-hour late.
991229 -- Welcome to the Dogbert one-hour executive MBA course. - Notice that I took your money and I'm giving you almost nothing in return. - That was a case study. We have time for one more.
991230 -- This concludes your one-hour executive MBA course. be boring $=good remember to embazzle! - On your way out. Pick up a diploma from the laser printer and fill in your name. - Remember, your degree can be prestigious if none of you ever discuss
991230 -- what happened here.
991231 -- I scheduled the meeting for 6:00 A.M. so everyone can make it. - I assume you'll show up at eight o'clock and blame traffic. - The great thing about being a sociopath is that I always get enough sleep.
000101 -- I hired the "Bait and Switch" consulting group because they're so smart. - I'm assigning Eddie to work on your account. You will never see me again. - So, what is it that you do here?
000102 -- CEO says... The research supports my strategy. - You can read the research but don't make copies. - Senior VP says... I can tell you about it but you can't read it. - VP says... I don't remember the reason but I'm sure there is one. - Assistant
000102 -- VP says... There's no reason. - Our strategy is a huge mistake but we have to do it anyway. - After I fall asleep tonight, please smother me with a pillow. - My people love me because I manage with data.
000103 -- Dogbert Consults You need to do data mining to uncover hidden sales trends. - If you mine the data hard enough, you can also find messages from god. - ...sales to left-handed squirrels are up...and god says your tie doesn't go with that shirt.
000104 -- Dogbert Consults My data-mining software has found another message from God. - It says you've been stealing lunches from the refrigerator in the break room. - Then it says, "Ha ha, that wasn't pudding!"
000105 -- Our consultant has been mining all the day. - The results are quite shocking. - According to the data, sales are always highest when I do this... -
000106 -- The Data Miner Eureka! I found another correlation. - When you're on vacation, all your employees telecommute. They do? - And 100% of all expense vouchers are signed when you're out sick. We have vouchers?
000107 -- Asok, your bonus is only 5% this year. Don't fell bad; I only got 5% too. - But 5% of your salary is four times more than 5% of my salary. - May I feel bad about *that*? Sure. Go wild!
000108 -- I've got a good crop of lint in my belly button today. - I'll leave it on Dilbert's keyboard. - I wonder if there's such a thing as managing too much by instinct.
000109 -- I quantified our marketing strategy because you insisted. - I listed the pros and cons on this sheet. - Then I added up the columns. - The pros outnumber the cons, so we're going forward. - Let's see. Your cons include...unhealthy and
000109 -- unprofitable. - Your pros are...waffles, eggs, bananas and milk. - Oops. That might be my grocery list. - YOU FOOL! I TOLD YOU QUANTIFICATION NEVER WORKS!!
000110 -- I completed all my assignments. How may I be of service now? - I think I have something in here. - My other assignments were on wrinkled paper, too.
000111 -- Mister Catbert, could you help me see the relevance of my work to the well-being of society? - Your shuffling of unimportant documents helps the air circulate. - All of my documents are E-Mail.
000112 -- Carol, you parked in my reserved space. - I scheduled you to drive to meetings all day. Oh. - Tomorrow I move my stuff into his office and the coup is complete.
000113 -- When you finish this, I have more assignments for you. - Carol, you're the boss's secretary, not my boss. And this is a page from a magazine. - Keep up the good work. You didn't listen. That can only mean you're my new boss.
000114 -- Look who's back early from his business trip. How did it go? - Excellent! I won every meeting by default. The other side never showed up. - Did you know your secretary uses your office when you're gone? For what?
000115 -- Hey Alice. What are you eating? Let me have a sniff. - SNIFF! - MY LETTUCE IS GONE!
000116 -- Asok, can you help me install an Ethernet card? - Tina, I am not your personal tech support. - But you know how to do it and I don't. - Well...that is true. - Could you carry the PC to my new cubicle? It's too heavy for me. - Someday I'll repay
000116 -- you by teaching you about semicolons. - How come I have many useful skills and you have none? - I guess I'm just lucky.
000117 -- Mister Dogbert will be CEO of our financial subsidiary. - My goal is one million victims in the first year. - Then I'll do some cross-selling, which I prefer to call "bayonetting the survivors."
000118 -- This investment combines the best features of an annuity plus a twenty-year car lease. - How can I tell if there are hidden fees? You can pay me 1% per year to advise you. - Wouldn't that be like paying a burglar to guard my house? Excuse me
000118 -- while I wag.
000119 -- Wow! The Dogbert Investment Fund has higher fees than any other! It's true! - That's how you can tell it's the best fund. I'm in. - Are you diversified? Yes, I have suckers of all types.
000120 -- Dogbert Investments For a 1% annual fee I will invest your money with a certified financial planner. - He'll charge 1% per year to put your money in mutual funds that charge 1% per year. - Will I make any money? I don't see you doing any of the
000120 -- work.
000121 -- Dogbert Investments So, you charge a fee every year even if you do nothing? - It takes years of training to know when to do nothing. - I guess that makes sense. Here's my bill for not removing your tonsils.
000122 -- Dogbert Investments Before I invest in a stock, I talk to the management in person. - What good is that? They're all huge liars. - You believe I really talk to them, right?
000123 -- We're changing to a cash balance pension plan. - It will make the company much more competitive. - Yippee!!! A cash balance plan is good for young employees! - Oh, yeah? Well it's not so good for me! - I demand that you change it back! NO! -
000123 -- I'LL SNAP YOU LIKE A DRIED TWIG, YOU LITTLE ZYGOTE! - OUCH! STOP CLUBBING ME WITH YOUR ARTIFICIAL HIP!! - On the plus side, they do seem more competitive.
000124 -- From now on, all teams will be formed on the basis of Myers-Briggs personality types. - If you do not have a personality, one will be assigned to you by human resources. - We need a quiet dumb guy to pair with an extroverted thinker.
000125 -- I have the results of your Myers-Briggs personality test. - You've been classified as a "PHB." - There's a fourth letter, but that was for an expletive.
000126 -- In this week's Wally report, I'll discuss a serious threat to my productivity. - By Tuesday my brain was so full that I had to forget things to make room for new things. - Wally, I have some information for you. Great, I'll just forget the
000126 -- fifth grade.
000127 -- Ed, the experts say managers should over-communicate during times of uncertainty. - YOU'RE FIRED, YOU'RE FIRED, YOU'RE FIRED, YOU'RE FIRED, YOU'RE FIRED! - I'll come back in ten minutes to do that again.
000128 -- I'm stuck in an assignment that has no hope of succeeding. - HA HA HA HA HA - Can I have the first bite of our sandwich?
000129 -- I'm stressed out about work. Maybe I'd feel better if I verbally abused a co-worker. - YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF MONKEY SPIT! - Dang. I was going to use that one. Aah...
000130 -- My anti spam software is complete. - It checks my incoming E-Mail for key words. - Then it deletes anything that looks like an advertisement. - Suppose a beautiful woman sends you a message saying... - "I am a model for Victoria's Secret. I
000130 -- want to date you on my sailboat." - But she spells sail S-A-L-E. What then - - What's she wearing?
000131 -- Another company offered me twenty percent more. Will you match it? - No, I prefer to hire someone who is loyal, even if I have to pay forty percent more. - Managing is supposed to be a science! My mime wall blocks your sound.
000201 -- I know I could earn more money at another company. So why do I stay? - Maybe the coffee is good and you enjoy watching the anthics of feeble, unaware losers. - No, I don't think that's... This coffee is good.
000202 -- Should I stay at my current job where the commute is easy? - Or should I risk everything and join a fast-paced start-up company? - I joined a fast-paced start-up company while you were yanking. Mine went IPO.
000203 -- If I quit I'll lose some unvested stock. That's why I'm willing to suffer my job. - A normal brain irrationally puts more weight on a small loss than a huge opportunity. - But now that you explained it... Now you're just stupid.
000204 -- I can't do anything because I'm always waiting for someone else. - And you can't quit because  your stock isn't vested. - Am I in heck? No, I'm just working the overflow from Limbo.
000205 -- Limbo A Division of Heck Step inside. - You'll be sitting in the career limbo section. Goodbye. - Jeepers! The service here is terrible!
000206 -- My tests prove our product is defective. - Customers expect delivery tomorrow. - Our corporate philosophy is "quality is our primary goal." - So...you want me to delay shipment until we fix the problems? No. - I want you to ship now so we can
000206 -- book the revenue. - GAAA! THAT'S THE OPPOSITE OF OUR PHILOSOPHY!!! - Now you know why there aren't any rich philosophers. - There used to be one, but he believed I was a swiss bank.
000207 -- I need to see a web site that's blocked by our I.S. group. - Submit a business case to the Web Productivity and Security Committee. - Hey, bro, where's your shell? This ain't casual day.
000208 -- Wow! You've developed eight patentable ideas, Asok. - We'll have to bury them or else it will look like we have too much free time. - Then I said, "Literally?" and then he said...
000209 -- Come to the VP's office with me. You need to get some face time. - What is face time? It's very important. - And this is you asking for a raise.
000210 -- I'll get this information for you. - No you won't. You'll wait until I hunt you down and then you'll say you were too busy. - Today I started hating people in advance. It saves time.
000211 -- Dilbert, you've become too aware of reality. I'm sending you to "cynics anonymous." - A higher power will help you to regain the naive optimism that once made you a perfect employee. - Why can't the higher power change me while I'm sitting
000211 -- here? Fluorescent lights block his power.
000212 -- Cynics Anonymous My company sent me here to regain my naive sense of trust. - All in favor of using Dilbert's company-paid dues on beer, say Aye. - Make sure you sign up for our gambling cruise.
000213 -- Don't invite marketing to the planning meeting. - If I don't, they'll sabotage the implementation. - Yes, but if you *do* include them in the planning... - ...they'll hose the plan? Exactly. - And they'll still botch the implementation. - If we
000214 -- know it's doomed, why do we bother? - It's the same reason I had kids. - At least there's a reason.
000214 -- The new policy says you must drive carefully while using cell phones. - This policy is just in time.  I had planned to drive into a tree. - Is there anything there about handling poisonous snakes?
000215 -- Yikes! Our CEO is selling his stock! - Don't worry. It's routine diversification of his portfolio. - Oh...I guess that's okay. Sell, Sell, Sell.
000216 -- Dogbert Consults Management is like an organism that needs to survive and grow. - Employees are your fertilizer. - So I'm like a well-fertilized plant? No, and sadly, weasels don't need fertilizer.
000217 -- Let me do all the talking to the customer. Check! - You'd better make up your mind fast. We plan to discontinue that product any day. - Well, excuse me for trying to fill all lull in the conversation.
000218 -- He's on the phone. You'll have to stand here and wait. - Don't leave. Don't make noise. Don't try talking to me. - Arm hair LX-943 is growing nicely.
000219 -- I created a prison Morse code so we can communicate during the day. - Tap your secret messages on the cubicle wall. - tap tap tap I  S E N T  Y O U  E M A I L
000220 -- Our division is unusually profitable this year. - That means our targets for next year will be set impossibly high. - Our only hope of reaching our profit target next year... - ...is to sabotage profits for the rest of this year. - It's too
000220 -- late to stop customers from buying our products. - So we'll focus on increasing our wasteful spending. - Wally, I'm sending you to a leadership training class. - Did you ever stick out your coffee mug and just follow where it took you?
000221 -- My name is Paul Tergeist. error - I have a way with technology. system failure - Have you met your new lab partner? My pen is hovering!
000222 -- This technology will work or my name isn't Paul Tergeist. - - I wish I had a nickel for every time that happened to a co-worker. ow
000223 -- Put together a demo of our new product. Our CEO wants to see it. - My partner is channeling the angry energy of a thousand dead souls. - Why can't you be more like that?
000224 -- The technology demo The software isn't 100% complete. - If it had a user interface you would see something here...here...and sometimes here. - And then you'd be saying, "I gotta get me some of that." Any questions?
000225 -- I', planning to give worthless awards to famous people. - If enough celebrities come to the award ceremony, it will become prestigious. - I've never heard of the Dogbert Gullibility Award, but it's an honor to be nominated.
000226 -- The Lifetime Gullibility Award goes to Bob Flabeau. - I would read Bob's biography but it's comprised entirely of false memories planted by his herbal therapist. - It looks like a stick but it's solid gold. Wow!
000227 -- I'd like to start with a diagram. - It's a bunch of shapes connected by lines. - Now I will say some impressive words. - Synchronized incremental digital integrated dynamic e-commerce space. - Any questions? - May I have a copy of your
000227 -- presentation? - - The results of my experiment are disturbing.
000228 -- I can't meet next Tuesday because that's a B.V. day. B.V.? - Boss vacation. I don't need to pretend I'm working that day. - And on Wednesday I'll be walking around all day with a binder.
000229 -- Did you do any action items this week? - I gathered costs for a strategy we had already decided not to use. - That helps the ol' GNP. I'm not giving back your tuition money.
000301 -- Ted resigned. Your job is to find out where he hid his file. - Our only clue is that he was disgruntled. - Negatory on porcelain patty.
000302 -- I have found where Ted hid his files before he quit. - A skeleton! I know what I must do. - Who's the babe? Stay away, home-wrecker.
000303 -- Asok, it's against company policy to date a skeleton you found in a closet. - We're just fiends! I swear! Eh! Eh! - It's just as well; I think I chipped a tooth.
000304 -- We can't make enough of our product to meet demand. - Our new strategy is to be more arrogant. We hope that will lower demand. - Can you teach me to be arrogant? Bah!
000305 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director We've decided to give you a new personality. - What? Why? - Your current personality is non-standard. - You must choose one of the approved corporate personalities. - The choices are sycophant, gladhander, sadist,
000305 -- quantoid, prima donna, empty suit or whining misfit. - Empty suit sounds interesting. - Excellent choice. Here's the spec sheet. - How did it go? Same ol' Same ol'. You got that right.
000306 -- This will be your cubicle. - In six weeks our I.T. people will connect you to the network so you can do your job. - I'll stop by every few minutes to see what you're doing.
000307 -- We don't pay enough to hire brilliant people for our Web team. - I need webiot savants who know they should have better jobs. - I'd expect stock options, of course. NEXT!!
000308 -- One out of ten research and development projects will succeed. - I recommend cancelling the other nine. - I wonder where he gets all these crazy ideas.
000309 -- Can you turn your one-page report into a two-page executive summary? - I was planning to spend the day snapping myself with the elastic band of my underwear. - But your idea is good, too.
000310 -- The employee appreciation luncheon will be potluck. - Drop off your dish at my house on your way to work. - If this works, I'll never need to buy groceries again.
000311 -- I've been asked to quantify the benefits of our knowledge management systems. - I measured our intern's head to see if it got bigger. - The higher drag coefficient means we lost a little in the sandwich-fetching department.
000312 -- Alice - Stirrup pants are not professional attire. - I just filed a patent that will earn fifty million in license fees for the company. - Really? Wow. - But it's no excuse for bad pants. - Whatever. Did you sign the budget request I gave you
000312 -- last week? - No...I've been busy with various pant-related crises. - Here's another.
000313 -- My idea is to change our department name from engineering to... - e-engineering. - I'm working on a similar idea for marketing but it's not done yet.
000314 -- ...so my head swelled up like a beach ball and the I.R.S. wants to put me in jail. - In summary, you're a basket case. - Women hate it when you summarize.
000315 -- I hired a psychologist to help you handle stress. - We need another engineer, not some freakin' quack!! - Is there a pill for that? I took it.
000316 -- The psychologist It's normal to have stress when a merger is pending. - Merger? What merger? - There I go again!
000317 -- Should I be trying to discover a shared vision that will foster enrollment rather than compliance? - Or should I modify my conceptual map to focus on organizational complexity? - Is any of that the same as work? It pays the same.
000318 -- I performed many tasks, but I can not claim any accomplishments. - Because things might have turned out better had I never been born. - Technically, it's true. Remind me to slap you later.
000319 -- We found a dozen bugs in the software you sold us. - We can fix these bugs for $20,000. What? - You can't charge us to fix your own defective product! - BUWAHAHA!! - Sorry...I was overcome by an evil euphoria. - I guess we have to pay. We have
000319 -- no choice! Excuse me. - Put more bugs in the software! I'm making a fortune out here! - Phblllt! I'm starting to question our single source strategy.
000320 -- As requested, I came up with a plan for doing more work with fewer people. - A future version of me will arrive via time machine to help on the project... - ...unless you say something now that makes me unmotivated.
000321 -- ZZOOP! - I am you from the future. Your time machine invention works. - How does may head get like that? Stick a finger in this hole.
000322 -- A future me built a time machine and came to help on my project. - Hello, you miserable pile of solid sewerage. - You always got bad assignments after today.
000323 -- Alice, this is me from the future. Hi. - At the next holiday party, she's all over you. - Is that true? No, but after today she never drank again.
000324 -- I know every tragedy that will happen in the future. - HERE IT COMES!!! - I'll never forget the day I spilled hot coffee on my crotch.
000325 -- I must return to the future now, your majesty. - They don't call me majesty, yet. You'll make it retroactive... - ...so you could boss around the time travelers. In that case, dance for me.
000326 -- Tina, move that title... - ...over here. - AAAGH!! - YOUR FINGER OIL IS ON MY SCREEN!!! - Now I have to spend ten minutes cleaning it... - ...because you don't understand how to hover your finger. - See?! This isn't hard. You hover the finger!
000326 -- Don's touch! - I hope I'm not losing my aura of infallibility.
000327 -- Here's my CD-ROM business card. - It has a film archive of all my character flaws. - Including this one? It's number 34.
000328 -- I reviewed your CD-ROM business card last night. - I browsed your personal web page. - Maybe we should do some conversation. I already had one in my head.
000329 -- Anne, I need you to review my first draft. - TYPO! AAAGH! MY WORLD IS FLYING APART!!! - You killed Anne L. Retentive with a typo? - No, she's in a comma.
000330 -- I did the analysis using your bad assumptions. - Then I applied your flawed logic and arrived at your predetermined answer. - Shall I begin disillusioning the team? This needs a pie chart.
000331 -- I cancelled our dumpster service to save money. - I discovered an alternative that costs nothing. - Everyone tear off a piece and put it in your pocket.
000401 -- I want you to perform a gap analysis for our department. - Be completely honest. - The gap is located between two pointy tufts of hair that move about the office.
000402 -- Can you sing or dance? - Ted? I thought you resigned in disgust two weeks ago. - Well...I wrote a huge resignation manifesto that I planned to E-mail to the entire company. - But I thought it needed pictures. - Before long I was adding video
000402 -- clips an humorous sound files. - Then I thought, hey, why not put it all on a Web site? - Now I'm turning the whole thing into an off Broadway theatre production. - I saw my first motivated employee today.
000403 -- I'm thinking about going out on a fake disability claim. - Do you think anyone will believe I'm disabled? It's hard to believe you're not. - Do you need a note from my doctor? No, it's been obvious for a long time.
000404 -- Wally is out on disability. I want you to spy on him. - We need video evidence of Wally doing a vigorous activity. - Can you think of anything that Wally does vigorously? I'd rather not.
000405 -- Wally's claim of disability will be put to the test. - Here we go...oh, yeah...come on Asok...go baby, go! - Does he ever move? It looks that way when I jiggle the camera.
000406 -- I came back from my fake disability leave. - I missed the camaraderie and the stimulating conversation. - I didn't know you were gone. Not bad for a Tuesday.
000407 -- Always ask yourself, what would Dogbert do? - This bumper sticker will help remind you. Gimme. - Umm...I wouldn't do that. You really should try it.
000408 -- At all times I ask myself, what would Dogbert do? - Then it doesn't matter that my brain is the size of a tiny dried peanut. - That thought would make Dogbert hungry.
000409 -- Fly to Austin and answer some questions for a big customer. - Doesn't this customer have a telephone? - You don't *call* big customers! - Um...why not? - You have to go in person to show that you care. - Actually, that would show that I don't
000409 -- understand the concept of the telephone. - Just go. - Do they have these where you come from?
000410 -- Remember the time you went skydiving? No. - You will. I'm planting false memories in your subconscious. - It won't work. But you believe you went to college, right?
000411 -- Did I ever tell you about the time I went skydiving? - That sounds like a false memory planted by Dogbert. Bah! - My parachute didn't open.  Luckily, I landed on a trampoline and bounced back into the plane.
000412 -- Take this to the technology buddha for enlightenment. - He's busy meditating. - He must be very wise. Huge bowl of vanilla ice cream.
000413 -- Technology Buddha How did you become so enlightened? - I just eat a lot and tell people their ideas stink. - Whose shoe did you scrape this off of?
000414 -- I'd quit this job, but next year I'll get an extra week of vacation. - If you get an extra week for every ten years of service... - ...you'll be happy in 480 years. Good plan. Shut up.
000415 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director Would you work harder if we offered stock incentives? Yes. - So you admit you're not working hard enough now. Umm... - Lastly, are you still beating up customers?
000416 -- ring ring Again? That thing rang last week, too. - Hello. May I interest you in long-distance phone service? - How long is it? - Umm...it's very long. Extremely long. - I need to know exactly how long it is! - If it's too short I'll have to
000416 -- shout the last mile! I hate that. - Okay...it's fifty miles long. - No, thanks. I don't know anyone fifty miles away.
000417 -- I got huge severance packages from my last four employers. - If I get fired one more time I can retire. - Ken, we need to talk. KA-CHING!
000418 -- I've been taking a self-paced online training course to "sharpen my saw." - What's the subject? I don't know. - How could you not know?! What part of "self-paced" is confusing you?
000419 -- I'll make your life miserable! I'll thwart your every move! - Hi. I'm the new sadist. What happened to the old one? - He went to sadist paradise. The auditing department?
000420 -- The company sadist You're invited to my four-hour meeting. - There's no agenda. It's just supposed to hurt. Any donuts? - Yes, but I'll drop one on the floor and hide it with the others. I like those odds.
000421 -- The company sadist I forwarded your E-Mail to everyone. - Gaaa! That E-Mail insulted half the people on our project!! - That's an interesting theory about why my hair is brown.
000422 -- The company sadist Okay, sadist, it's time to meet the fist of death. - Note from the author If you are the sort of person who is influenced by comic strips, I assure you nothing bad or violent happens next. Alice and the sadist discuss their
000422 -- differences and become lifelong friends. - What was in that big bag I helped you drag to the dumpster?
000423 -- ZZZZZ beep beep beep - It's time to complain about my workload. - An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of assignments. - I'm working day and night! - I've got projects, assignments, deliverables, tasks... - ...must-do items, action items,
000423 -- fire drills, and dog and pony shoes. - Wally, I have an assignment for you. ! - I solved my glare problem.
000424 -- I finished the project plan without your input. - You would have lied to me anyway, so I just skipped that step. - I've already assigned blame for failure, but don't worry, it's just preliminary.
000425 -- Dilbert is one of our social misfits. - Your job is to keep him away from normal people. - Hello! I'm right here! Your title will be "engineering liaison."
000426 -- Engineering liaison Tell me your project status and I'll translate for our clients. - The project will never be completed because our idiot clients change the requirements every other day. - I'll just say you're drunk.
000427 -- I understand you're the new engineering liaison. - Does that mean what I think it means? - She claims it doesn't mean that. Ohhh.
000428 -- Demons have possessed my PC. They force me to view web sites of unspeakable abominations. - The only solution is for you to approve the purchase of a new PC for me. - How are the unspeakable abominations today? Much faster!
000429 -- I'm Bucky, the project manager. - Your assignment is painfully difficult and probably unnecessary. - If you need me, I'll be complaining about you to your boss.
000430 -- Dogbert consults Your software product is riddled with bugs. - I recommend repackaging it as rust inhibitor for computers. - The ads will say "you know it's working because of all the error messages." - People aren't stupid. - According to my
000430 -- research, they are. - Dumb Ignorant Stupid Ear Wax - I need that rust inhibitor, I spit when I type. - I think the rust turned my exclamation upside down. That's the letter "I".
000501 -- Asok, this will be the most important assignment in your entire career. - You must affix the asset tags in this folder to our office equipment. - BWAA-WAH-AH!! He must be having problems at home.
000502 -- My assignment is to put asset tags on all equipment. - Did you know that staplers are not considered equipment? - No one likes to make conversation with the asset tag man.
000503 -- As CEO, I thank you for making me obscenely wealthy. - Yesterday I built a guest house using bundles of cash as bricks. - I need a new speech writer.
000504 -- I've been asked to summarize my project into three bullet points. - I had to invent some new words. - Believe me, you don't want to be any of these things. splurby noobah pizkwat
000505 -- I'm starting to get an inferiority complex. - If it makes you feel better, that isn't a complex. - Now if you excuse me, I gotta take that wicked wag.
000506 -- I need to take a class to learn the new technology. - Our vendor's sales person will teach you everything he knows. - You only need three "moist towlettes" to give yourself a sponge bath.
000507 -- Which presidential candidate do you like? - I strongly favor the one with the funny hair. I forgot his name. - His social policies are the exact opposite of your views. Really? - Well, I like his tax plan. - Every credible economist thinks it's
000507 -- a bad plan. Oh. - It's a good thing we talked before you polluted the system with your vote. - Do you want to make out? - She claimed to like intelligent men but she lied.
000508 -- I've decided to become a generic self-help consultant. - I'll tell people to keep a journal of all their thoughts. Then I'll bill them. - How would that help anyone? I lead by example, my friend.
000509 -- You can lose weight if you write down all of your meals in a journal. - That's all I need to do? Yes, if you use our patented weight-loss pencil. -
000510 -- This product would melt the polar ice caps and doom humanity. That's okay. - You're part of humanity. No, I'm in marketing. - I won't help you destroy the planet. That's what I said until I saw the free t-shirts.
000511 -- My marketing plan calls for the annihilation of all life on earth. - Our only serious competitor is a company that sells tobacco and junk food. I'd like volunteers. - I need some accomplishments for my quarterly review.
000512 -- To the untrained eye it might look as if I do no work. - But inside here is a raging sea of knowledge management and strategic thinking. - Did you hear that gurgling sound?
000513 -- Dogbert consults My team can build an E-commerce site for you. - It will be so well-documented that your I.S. group can easily maintain it. - But the coolest part is that the documentation will be delivered by flying pigs!
000514 -- Carol, from now on, I want a live person answering my phone. - What attracted you to that idea? - Was it the inefficiency or the drain of morale? - Important executives don't use voice mail. - I have some information for you. Call me. - beep
000514 -- beep beep beep beep beep beep - He's not here. Do you want to leave a detailed message? Yes. - WELL, YOU CANT!!!
000515 -- I scheduled a meeting with your boss. - He'll probably ask me to speak frankly about any problems in the department. - This couldn't get any worse. He's cute. I might ask him out.
000516 -- Um...how was your meeting with my boss? - We each told our favorite stories about you. Then we laughed and laughed. - He has stories about me? He thought they were urban legends.
000517 -- Alice, maybe we shouldn't date. I'm a VP and you're an engineer in my division. - Sheesh. Get over yourself. I'm just using you to drive my boss nuts. - Your indifference arouses me! I will make you mine! VPs
000518 -- I brought you a bouquet, Alice. - That's a bunch of pencils, not a flower bouquet. Really? - May I use your phone? I need to fire my secretary.
000519 -- Performance review You didn't show any initiative this year. - That's your fault for creating an atmosphere of fear and distrust. You, you, you. - Note to self: increase fear.
000520 -- Performance review Do you have any weaknesses that need improvement? - Sometimes I work so fast I become invisible. - If I seem blurry right now, it's because I'm multitasking. Once a year is way too often for this.
000521 -- Can you explain why your project is behind schedule? - Yes, a schedule is an artificial device created without knowledge of the future. - Wild guesses are used as surrogates for knowledge. - Project deadlines are tied to trade show dates
000521 -- instead of reality. - Then management cuts the budget until failure is assured. - I assume you called me here so you can apologize for your role in all this - - Would you like to hear how budgets are created?
000522 -- Your new CEO is the most powerful woman in the high-tech industry. - I recommend exploiting  her fame in your advertisements. - Why do I have to be the one to suggest this? CEOs love this sort of thing.
000523 -- My consultant thinks you should be featured in our ad campaign. - Is that because I'm your new CEO and the most powerful woman in our industry? - Um...yes, that's why. Remember to ask about tan lines.
000524 -- CEO as spokesperson Shouldn't I hold up our product instead of leaning on a chair? - NO! - That helped your hair but you're still dressed like a nun.
000525 -- CEO as spokesperson What does this pose have to do with our product? - I'll use blue screen technology to add important elements later. - My blouse is blue. Five minutes.
000526 -- At ten you'll be firing Ted. I'll organize his goodbye party. - Do you know what would be more efficient? - What happens after we yell "surprise"?
000527 -- We know these random drug tests are unpleasant for employees. - That's why we offer free cashews. - Suddenly I thought about Charlie Brown but I don't know why.
000528 -- Pssst - Yes? Come in and shut the door. - I bought a fake video surveillance camera. - Install it in the break room tonight. - It's cheaper than a real camera and it will discourage thefts. - If you treat employees like criminals, they'll
000528 -- leave. - Good point. You'd better hide the camera so no one knows it's there. - Trash
000529 -- My socks use an antimicrobial polymer to bond chlorine atoms to cotton. - I can wear these babies for days before they start to stink. - What was that other pick-up line we talked about? It was "Hi."
000530 -- My patent for no-click shopping was granted. - I'm sure some whiners will say it's an obvious idea. - You'd better click something or I have to ship you some books.
000531 -- I'm documenting everything you do so I can easily fire you someday. - - Maybe you could call me if you do anything. Leave it here and I'll fill it out for you.
000601 -- The five hundred dollar morale improvement award goes to Ed. - GAA!! IT'S ONLY $240 AFTER TAXES!!! - So that's what good morale looks like. Apparently we've had it the whole time.
000602 -- Ming, everyone says our Web site is ugly. - Really? Every person on earth said that? Even Tibetan monks? - Maybe it was just one person. And you confused him with the entire planet?
000603 -- If I could turn invisible, I wouldn't need to make decisions. - Invisible...invisible...you can't see me. - I guess we're done. Run silent.
000604 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director Wally, our auditors found 40 Gigabits of bikini pictures on your PC. - That is grounds for dismissal. How do you plead? - Innocent. Technically, they didn't find any pictures. - What they found were zeroes and ones
000604 -- resting harmlessly on magnetic media. - It was the auditors themselves who activated those harmless bits to form pictures on the screen! - I demand that those godless auditors be fired! - And if it's not too much trouble, I'd like to have my
000604 -- zeroes and ones back. Was justice served? It's a grey area.
000605 -- I am Mordac, the preventer of information services! I am Web mistress Ming! - Your firewall is inadequate. You must be punished! Your HTML is weak! You must be punished. - I must have you! Talk Cobol to me, baby.
000606 -- Ming, I'm moving your Web mistress function to I.S. You'll report to Mordac. - NO-O-O-O-O - We can still date but I feel obliged to hate your guts now. It works for me.
000607 -- Dearest Ming, my love for you is boundless. Mordac. - P.S. If you don't stop putting food garbage in the recycling bin you will be terminated. - Never date your boss. Okay.
000608 -- Hi, I'm Edfred, the two-faced employee. - If you tell you boss his new plan is stupid I'll back you up. Really? - I don't like the looks of this.
000609 -- I disagree with Dilbert. The boss's plan is brilliant. - Your other face agreed with me two minutes ago! What other face? - No...I still just see the one.
000610 -- I've decided to manage like a sadistic game show host. - Because it would be insane if I kept doing what didn't work. - Would you rather have a performance review or be pecked to death by trained birds?
000611 -- I cut you budget in half. - How can I do a technology installation without an adequate budget?! - Try being unethical with our vendors. - What= It's easy. - Tell them we might make a huge purchase later... - ...if they give us a bunch of free
000611 -- stuff now. - If it makes you feel better, wait until *they* lie first. - And there are no hidden costs. Um...we might make a huge purchase later.
000612 -- Dogbert Consults All of your employees are ignorant. - I can fix that by selling you intranet collaboration tools. - But if they're sharing their ignorance... sign it sign it sign it
000613 -- Who wants to share knowledge with me via our new intranet collaboration software? - You don't have any knowledge to share. Ouch. It hurts because it's true. - I'm hoarding my knowledge in case I ever need it.
000614 -- Dogbert Consults No one uses the intranet collaboration software you sold us. - Your employees are defective. I recommend cat scans. - This one is defective too. Next in line!
000615 -- My accomplishment this week was scheduling fifty people to discuss the bug in our product. - I fixed the bug this morning. - And thanks for not inviting me to the meeting.
000616 -- Our server named "Pointy" is overloaded. - So we're moving some of the load to "Haired" and "Idiot." But we still need a new server. - He signed the purchase order for "Clueless".
000617 -- Uh-oh...suddenly this meeting and all the strange words make sense. - POW!! - It's your turn to buy the card.
000618 -- Welcome to workplace violence prevention training. - How can we identify potentially violent employees? - Ooh! Ooh! - Wally? - Do they have beards? - Um...no. That was a stupid answer. - Violent employees are usually creepy, ineffective males
000618 -- who are widely disrespected. - May I change seats?
000619 -- Ming, our Web site needs a FAQ section. - I find your suggestion ignorant and without merit. Away with you. - So...are you doing anything this weekend? GAAA!!
000620 -- Help me understand the male brain, Dilbert. - I treat you like dirt and you ask me out on a date? - Good personalities are overrated. You're getting me all hot over here.
000621 -- Frankly, I'm insulted that you asked me out. - It means you think we're about the same level of attractiveness. - You'd better have a heckuva sexy car. It's electric.
000622 -- I don't like to talk on dates. Do you mind if I hum? - That's okay. I'll pretend you're the radio. Hmm mm-mm mm-m-m mmmm I need a new radio.
000623 -- Do you mind if I chatter about people you don't know? No. - Do you mind if I gawk at every woman who walks by? Yes. - In fact, I would appreciate it if you displayed no male traits whatsoever. Can do.
000624 -- Yeah, I'm having the worst date ever. I'll check. - What's that on the ground? It looks interesting. Not so good.
000625 -- I'm grossly underpaid. I want a raise. - Oh, Dilbert, Dilbert, Dilbert. - What? What? What? - People don't work here for the money. - They work here for the challenge! - If challenges are more valuable than money... - Why don't you give me your
000625 -- money and I'll give you my challenges? - Well? I must kill him before he infects the others.
000626 -- ...and that's the plan. YIPIEE! WOOHA!! - I'm very inspiring lately. - How did people survive meetings before these things? Webvan split!
000627 -- You've got to work eighteen hours a day to compete in this industry! - Let's just *say* we work eighteen hours a day. Maybe our competitors will die trying to match us. - Would that work? It almost worked on us.
000628 -- Ratbert is our new company concierge. - I will perform any errand, no matter how personal or degrading it is. - I need a loofah. Lather me up!
000629 -- Ratbert the concierge I'd like a date with a woman who thinks I'm hot. - Remember, you promised you would do any errand for employees. - Tell me again how hot I am.
000630 -- Company concierge I don't have time for my doctor appointment. - Go in my place and tell him you're having trouble sleeping at your desk. - And don't let him sweet-talk you about diet and exercise. I want pills!
000701 -- Company concierge I need an alibi. - The police will try to beat truth out of you, but don't let them break you! - I also need lye... and a barrel... better yet, make that two barrels.
000702 -- We had fifteen system failures with the previous software. - Your data aren't actionable. - What? - Your presentation has no practical value. - Well, if that's suddenly a crime then call me guilty! - Now the meeting feels awkward. Can we go
000702 -- back to acting interested? I guess. - Fine. Let's put this ugly incident behind us. - And if you multiply the digits you get five.
000703 -- Dilbert, you'll be working with Lulu. She's almost normal. - But she has no sense of proportion for problems. - Did you notice that he looked at you funny? WHAT?!
000704 -- THE ADVENTURES OF LULU the woman who has no sense of proportion - GAAA! DOES THIS MEAN YOU HATE ME?!! - It's called an assignment. This is war!
000705 -- Come help me on this assignment. It's a huge crisis! - Lulu, do you ever wonder why your life is a series of crises? - I assume god is softening me up before smitting me. Excuse me while I put on my static guard.
000706 -- My project was in a death spiral. - I leapt into action and reorganized my filing system. - Did that help? My stress is gone!
000707 -- The employee of the month is Lulu. - Lulu overcame long odds to win this award. I.e., her name was randomly picked. - I'd protest but I don't want to taint my victory of last month.
000708 -- Lulu, you've stalled my project for long enough. I want your input... - NOW!! - I found out my jaw unhinges when I'm mad. You frighten my hoagie.
000709 -- My software will create human simulations from DNA samples. - What's the market application? - Well...there are many various applications. Name one. - Well...someday the entire human genome will be mapped and decoded. - You could take a hair
000709 -- sample from a woman who refuses to date you... - and create a software simulation of her to keep in your computer watch. - You could have one button to feed her and one button to punish her. - I'd buy it. Can you add a button?
000710 -- Write a performance evaluation for yourself. - Shoot for about a 3% raise...because that's what you're getting. - Dilbert's inventions will earn a billion dollars. But we think he steals almost as much.
000711 -- Dogbert Consults Here's a free sample of my work. - So company "A" was managed by idiots with no Web strategy. - What would you recommend for my company? First, change its name to "A".
000712 -- Dogbert Consults I saved some money by buying a used consulting report. - We're going to give the exclusive rights for something called DOS to something called Microsoft. - I have a good feeling about this.
000713 -- Dogbert Consults I golf with your CEO. - For a million dollars I can accidentally bean him with a golf ball. - He always wears a helmet. Not in the clubhouse.
000714 -- This week I was rendered useless by the stress of bad management. - That's something we only say in the cafeteria. - You're doing a terrific job! Try to find a middle range.
000715 -- I got the stress everyone talks about. What should I do? - Try using it as an excuse for not exercising. - So...it's a good thing? It made me the man I am today.
000716 -- This plan is impractical. - My philosophy is that if it isn't hard, it isn't worth doing. - That's easy to say. - So according to your philosophy, you shouldn't have said it. - And it's easy to walk around. Maybe you should hop on one foot. -
000716 -- Or would it be better to recant your absurd philosophy... - ...and bow before my superior reasoning capabilities? - ...
000717 -- I heard that you won't give marketing the information they need. - I respectfully decline the invitation to join your hallucination. - Your system works. Next time try shortening it to "bah".
000718 -- This special T-Shirt is awarded to Ted for all of his achievements. - Next on the agenda... - We're planning some staff cuts.
000719 -- We'll be shutting down our global communications business and de-orbiting our satellites. - Question: wouldn't that create dozens of deadly flame balls speeding toward earth? - That's why we're aiming for cities that have lots of swimming
000719 -- pools.
000720 -- Our investigative reporter has identified the company behind the deadly falling satellites. - WHUMP! - Your plan worked. What plan?
000721 -- I'm tired of getting no respect at work. - I'm going to send my resume to a company that's located in a place I'd never want to live. - I wonder why they don't respect you. That's what I want to know!
000722 -- Have you met the new CIO? No. - I hear he's young. - Hello. - We need to integrate our enterprise resource planning with our existing E-commerce platform. - How if you'll excuse me. Nature calls. - Aaahhh... - Then we'll decentralize the
000723 -- procurement function and...hold on a second. - Gramps, could you do me a huge favor?
000724 -- And we finished ahead of schedule. Question - Are you referring to the original schedule or the eighth revision? - Schedules can change. That would be called a "calendar".
000725 -- Step aside. I'm from I.S. - I didn't ask for any upgrades. That's what they all say until... - It's reformatting my hard drive! That's ten in a row. Maybe it's me.
000726 -- How long has he been under your desk? Three days. - Did you feed him? Just some licorice. - You should never feed the I.S. people. More licorice.
000727 -- Well, I upgraded three things an I accidentally broke three things. - In I.S. terms, I came out ahead. Does my computer work? - No, but if it did, it would be much faster. snap
000728 -- I finished upgrading the sales support network. - Is that why I can't unlock my Lexus?!! - You don't own a Lexus. You only look like a guy down the hall who owns one. I hate that guy.
000729 -- Thanks to you, my computer screen is all fuzzy now! ? - You're always fiddling with something that makes something else stop working. - Don't clean your screen with your handkerchief during flu session. Stop changing the subject.
000730 -- Help me interview a candidate for engineering. - I think he's terrific! Uh-oh - According to your resume, Paul, you invented E-commerce. Wow! - I'm going to hire him right now! Hold on. - Paul, you didn't really invent E-commerce, did you?
000730 -- Well... - Maybe I was...um...part of the team that invented it. - No one invented E-commerce! When can you start? - Why am I here? Maybe Paul can teach you how to invent things.
000731 -- Catbert: evil H.R: director You need my approval for any outside jobs. - Oh, my...I have the sudden realization that you control my entire life. - But you can't control what I *think*!. employee will say "you can't control what I *think*!"
000801 -- I plan to spend the next year adding automatic registration  to our product. - It already has that feature. - Oh.
000802 -- Ted, I'm giving you a promotion in title. Wow! - Now you're the Senior Vice Duke and Imperial Majesty of all Engineering. - Can I have business cards now? No, you're only a vice duke.
000803 -- We're going to start tracking our time spent with internal clients. - I will cleverly send fake bills to other departments to show how helpful we are. - I can't help you. I'm busy with my time sheet.
000804 -- Someone stole my purse. - So I used my Navy Seal training to booby-trap my cubicle. - AAIEE!!! The mail is early today.
000805 -- Alice, did you booby-trap your cublicle? - The question is, why are you in my cubicle? - What if I promise to never again borrow your guest chair?
000806 -- Catbert: evil H.R: director Video cameras have been installed in all work areas. - Employees must wear I.D. badges around their necks. - Your Internet and telephone usage will be monitored. - Everyone will undergo mandatory drug testing. -
000806 -- They're not resisting. They're ready for phase two. - Prepare to be permanently marked by hot irons. - Will that hurt? I'll be fine. Thanks for asking. - Wally is about to experience brand awareness.
000807 -- I work harder than you. Why do I get paid a fifth of what you make? - That's because there are many people like you but few people like me. - Maybe that's because the people like me eventually kill the people like you.
000808 -- I should create my own little Internet start-up. - All I need is a business plan. - The V.C. are sick of B to B. The Vietcong are sick of breakfast in bed?
000809 -- I'm not allowed to poach employees if I leave this company. - But there's no law against you asking me for a job...wink wink. - I'M NOT GOING TO WINK ALL DAY, YOU MORON!
000810 -- Have you finished my billion dollar business plan yet? Almost. - I'm up to the part where the S.E.C. investigates you for securities fraud. - I can't decide what the employees will be singing when you get handcuffed.
000811 -- I had planned to hire another engineer. - At the last minute I remembered I could just make you work twice as hard. - Maybe you could nominate me for one of those cost-saving awards.
000812 -- Ted, your ten year service party will be on Tuesday. - I'm having surgery Tuesday. - Maybe you could drop off a casserole on your way.
000813 -- This is Rasputin, our new consultant. - He stopped my paper cut from bleeding. - He has charisma. - I'd like to see a demonstration on Asok. - Ack...can't...breathe... - That's called the evil eye process. Now do Wally. -
000813 -- Ack...can't...breathe... - He never had a chance. Your anti-charisma is string today.
000814 -- I was so motivated by your pep talk yesterday that I came to work ten minutes early! - Wally, we start at eight, not at nine. - That's gonna cost you ten minutes.
000815 -- Our disaster recovery plan goes something like this... - HELP! HELP! - Someday we hope to have a budget.
000816 -- As you can clearly see in slide 397... - GAAAAH! - "Powerpoint" poisoning.
000817 -- Your salary is 115% of the midpoint for your range. Isn't that exciting? - Why don't you say it's 115% below the top of the range which can never be achieved under our system? - No peeking at the supervisor's page.
000818 -- Due to worsening storm conditions, all "non-essential" personnel may go home early. - - This will be the easiest round of layoffs ever.
000819 -- I know our E-Mail addresses are supposed to be our first initial plus our last name. - But could you make an exception? No. - That Brenda Utthead is quite a whiner.
000820 -- A good manager hires people who are smarter than he is. - So...your boss is dumber than you? - And your boss's boss is dumber yet? - According to your theory, our CEO is the dumbest person in the company. - Unless all of you are bad managers. -
000820 -- Truly we are doomed either way. - This concludes the motivational part of the meeting. - I'd give you a high five but I don't like to move.
000821 -- If I hired you, how would you respond to something like this? - I usually ignore chain letters. Let's try another. - Did you finish your in basket? No, I'll need a few more applicants.
000822 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director Employees waste too much time at funerals. - On a related note, our heating costs are too high. - As a matter of fact, I *would* mind being cremated in the company furnace.
000823 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director We increased the complexity of your pay slip. - NOW YOU'LL NEVER KNOW WHEN WE RIP YOU OFF! YEEHA! YEEHA! - The only part that really bugs me is the yeehas.
000824 -- Would it be okay if I worked part times? That depends. - Would you be willing to come in on your days off to finish urgent projects? Yes. - So, basically you negotiated a fifty percent pay cut?
000825 -- I'm sittin' in a box and checkin' my stocks. - I must use all my willpower to resist checking every ten seconds. - I'm sittin' in a box and checkin' my stocks.
000826 -- Our new corporate slogan is... - "The power of the Internet lies in converging the future with the here and now." - Goose-bumps? Psoriasis.
000827 -- So they replaced our computers and never trained us. - I told them we needed a training class but they ignored my requests. - So our computers sit there unused while we do our work the slow way. - Why don't you read the computer manual? - I
000827 -- don't have time for that! - But you have time for a class? It doesn't add up. - I'm cold. - You should try wearing a coat. They're terrific.
000828 -- I now offer self-service consulting. - Write down your strategy and I'll send you massive bills. - Do you have a card? I was hoping you'd print some for me.
000829 -- Self-service consulting I was hired because you're all dumber than a crate of anvils. - Now, can anyone tell me if your operations are centralized or decentralized? - Ooh! Ooh! I just thought of a strategy!
000830 -- I'm going to follow Tom Peter's advice and become my own brand. - The phrase you're least likely to hear is, "I gotta get me some of that." - Day one: not so good.
000831 -- Step away from that network server! I'm certified! - I SUMMON THE VAST POWER OF CERTIFICATION! - Well, this is embarrassing: that's all I remember from the classes.
000901 -- Ha ha! You never should have let me get a technical certification. - I used my new power to get a better job at a different company. - Tell me again why I hired you?
000902 -- As a manager, it's my job to reduce the turnover of our most valuable employees... - ...and to increase turnover of our least valuable employees. - Ow! For the jillionth time, who keeps kicking me?
000903 -- Is it okay if I take naps during the day? - Or would you prefer that I make important decisions while groggy and delusional? - Either way is okay with me. It's your call. - He looks funny all purple. - Must...stay...awake.
000903 -- Make...important...decisions. - Must replace optical switches with dancing lemurs. - GAAA! FRENCH PEOPLE ARE TOUCHING ME WITH CIGARETTES! - I hope that's how engineers design missile defense networks.
000904 -- Your resume says you're a multi-celled life form. - That's exactly what we're looking for! - I'm trying to shake hands. If you feel harassed in any way just let out a yelp.
000905 -- Dilbert, meet the new guy. You hired a giant amoeba? - You can't go around judging people by their looks. - Would you mind... Training him? Keeping him moist?
000906 -- So, I hear you're a single-cell organism. - What's up with that? - The new guy is rolling into a ball and shedding water. Been there.
000907 -- This isn't working out. I have to let you go. - Maybe you can get your old job back at Farworks. - Great. Now he's going to secrete.
000908 -- Today I will know the joy of uninterrupted productivity. - We're forming a posse to find out who leaves crumbs in the sink. - I assume it's you. - We need more black sheep around here.
000909 -- Work is for losers. - A winner says, "that's on my list" and never commits to a deadline. - Wouldn't people respect me less? I don't see how.
000910 -- I mapped your genome, Wally. - I didn't know the human resources department had that technology. - I used a pencil. - Your genes predict that you will be a bitter, lazy, Caucasian guy with hairs and poor vision. - You'll hate cubicles,
000910 -- measurable objectives, and cats who map your genome. - This is a violation of my right to privacy! I'll fight it all the way to the supreme court! - No, according to my map, you'll lose interest and fall asleep. - I wonder if this technology
000910 -- will ever fall into the wrong hands. zzzzz
000911 -- Now sign this and this and this. - This is a murder confession. It's for the file. - Someday I'm going to take a good look at that file.
000912 -- I hid the emergency flashlights so no one can play with them. - Who plays with flashlights? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. - The short Jedi will die first.
000913 -- Send ooh! - I get a tiny feeling of self-worth when I send E-Mail to my boss. - Looks like someone has an E-Mail monkey on his back. I can quit whenever I want!
000914 -- I have an E-Mail monkey on my back, but I can quit whenever I want. - I don't need to check it every minute. I can resist. - But look! The stupid monkey hit my keyboard with his foot!
000915 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director Asok, you have a bad case of E-Mail monkey-on-the-back. - The only cure is to deactivate your Internet connection. - No problem. Heh, heh. heh heh I know you have a Palm VII strapped to your ankle.
000916 -- I used to have an E-Mail monkey on my back, but I went cold turkey. - I still do little chatting but that's not addictive. Is it? - I'm Rofl. Oh, just shut up and hop on.
000917 -- I decided to become a business manager for celebrities. Why? - Because banks have locks. - Everything you own has been put in my name..for...um..tax purposes. - You're such a good friend. How can I ever repay you? - You can sign this. It gives
000917 -- me the rights to your life story. - In the unlikely event that someone steals your fortune and you become a pathetic drug addict... - ...I can sell your story to the "biography" channel. - They start filming on Thursday.
000918 -- From now on, this is going to be a fun organization. - When are you leaving? - I had no idea that a rubber chicken could hurt so much.
000919 -- What the work-at-home person says Don't disturb me unless the house is on fire. - What the rest of the family hears I am your servant. My specialty is killing spiders. - What the spiders hear The house is full of wounded flies.
000920 -- The marketing guys are stalling. You need to escalate. - Must escalate. - I'll never understand how this helps. Sale
000921 -- Can you test the software today? No, I'm making major changes Tuesday. - You could test the current version. - I wish people wouldn't slap their foreheads and say "aye-yi-yi-yi" everytime I talk.
000922 -- This to-do list will make me more efficient. - I have three fake emergencies, two doomed projects, four unnecessary meetings... - I figured out why you never ask me how my day went. Off you go.
000923 -- Speed is the key to success. - Is it okay to do things wrong if we're really, really fast? - Um...no. Now I'm all confused, thank you very much.
000924 -- Halt! - You moved your computer without approval from the Central Cubicle Committee. - I was simply adjusting the angle gasp - Fool! It will cost $200 for a team of technicians to move it back! - It's better this way so my plant won't fall off.
000924 -- - WE HAVE GUIDELINES!! - I know. I stapled them to my wall. - You'd be surprised at what isn't allowed.
000925 -- Dogbert consults Here's my report full of obvious generalities. - My fee is $90,000. What are you recommending? - I recommend telling everyone it was free.
000926 -- Dogbert consults You can revive the entrepreneurial spirit by reminding people of the early years. - Your founders were two bums who began in a cardboard box. - One bum misdialed his bookie and accidentally bought Cisco stock at the IPO.
000927 -- This needs your approval. - The company will save forty million dollars but you'll be ten thousand over budget. - And before you ask, no it won't work the other way around. Whose side are you on?
000928 -- I'm sure your boss will increase the budget if you show him my plan. - I just asked him for something else. I can't keep asking him for resources! - So...you think that doing your job is a sign of weakness? Look what it did to you.
000929 -- Ted, there's a huge demand for employees like you. - But not you specifically. ...which is funny if you think about it. - Hey, if you can't laugh at yourself, who can you laugh at?
000930 -- My stock options are worth a fortune now, you miserable bag of crud! - Oh, look, they're back down to worthless. - Try telling him that bags of crud are highly valued in some societies. Shut up.
001001 -- Wally, what's the status of our vital records protection plan? ? - Think fast. - I...uh...did extensive interviews with key shareholders. - Then I...uh...formed a plan... - Now all the records are digitized and stored with 512 bit encryption...
001001 -- - ...at the center of the earth...on natural magnets. - I meant you should read the project team's status report. - They claim to have a plan. Liars.
001002 -- The evil h.r. director What evil do you bring me, union steward stuart? - Employees should not be allowed to move company computers. That's union work. That's old evil. - It's new we include PDAs and laptops. - I like the cut of your giblets.
001003 -- Our new office building will be an architectural masterpiece! - The voices in my head are shouting "no storage space! no storage space!" - WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME? It's called experience.
001004 -- Dogbert consults You need to reorganize by customer type. - One division would focus on selling to feeble-minded people. - Are you gesturing at me because I would work in that division? What's your second guess?
001005 -- My philosophy is: measure twice... - then cut twice, then uh... - Give the tape measure a bad performance review? Hee hee! Ooh.
001006 -- Your office is too far from the executive offices. It is? - They are actively forgetting your name even as we speak. It's going...going...GONE! - Carol, we have to move my office! Have we met?
001007 -- Performance Review Lastly, what have you done to improve the morale of your co-workers? - I didn't give them the beatings they so richly deserved. - I'll shorten that to "team player"?
001008 -- The Inspirational CEO Our Company is too good to have results this poor. - Question. - %#!* Engineers. What? - Are you saying the laws of cause and effect do not apply? - Logically, if we were good, we would generate good results. - Is it not
001008 -- more likely that we are pathetic losers who get exactly what we deserve? - Yes, individually you're all losers. But together we're a great company. Thanks to my leadership. - I feel like squirming but I don't have the energy.
001009 -- We can't pay you this week because your position code is misaligned with your module. - Worse yet, no one knows what that means or whose responsibility it is to fix it. - Who told you about the problem? It was an anonymous note with
001009 -- disappearing ink.
001010 -- I'm trying to find someone who can help me with a payroll problem. - You're close. I'm the guy who forwards your call to the wrong person. - I'd like to speak with your supervisor. I'll forward your call.
001011 -- Helen, I'm transferring you to the temporary zombie division. - You will be with other people who are planning weddings, raising babies and divorcing. - She took my dog. All good places are booked.
001012 -- Do you want a stock tip? - Are you asking me to believe you're a loser at every aspect of life except picking stock? - That's not what I'm asking. It's implied.
001013 -- Here's the new guy. I don't know his name. - He's either rude or shy. No one knows for sure. - If you figure it out, name him either Shilo or Rudy.
001014 -- Why don't you have a little coffee with your sugar, Alice? - Heh, heh. It's because it's usually the other way around. - I don't see how something can be funny 300 times but not 301 times.
001015 -- How do I get rid of my old computer? - Why don't you give it to a school? - Well, it would take me a week to find someone to take it. - The hard drive is broken and it has no software. - And it would cause a tax accounting nightmare. - Maybe
001015 -- you should leave it on the school playground at night. - That's what I did with my old refrigerator. - What I hate most is that I didn't have a better idea.
001016 -- I just met with with the birdabon society. I had to promise we won't hurt any birds. - Our caterer served chicken sandwiches for lunch. - I pretended to give mine CPR but I was really eating it.
001017 -- Did Dilbert do something terrible or am I hallucinating? - I'd better play it safe and punish him in ways that are ambiguous and untraceable. - I had to change your network password to "die-dilbert-die" and I can't say why.
001018 -- You need "Dogbert's Dysfunctional Employee Recruitment Services." - I only recruit employees who were raised in dysfunctional families. They don't mind being mistreated! - How soon can you get me some? I have a dozen in the trunk of my car.
001019 -- I understand that you were raised in a dysfunctional family. Yes - YOU'RE GONNA WORK SEVENTY HOURS A WEEK OR YOU'RE WORTHLESS!! - You love me. Are there any more like you at home?
001020 -- You're working me too hard! I want to get home in time to kiss my daughter goodnight! - And I'm the only one who feels this way. - I've seen your daughter and I'm fairly certain you're the only one.
001021 -- Catbert: Evil H.R. Director You think you're satisfied with your job. - IN REALITY YOU'RE JUST AFRAID OF CHANGE! - That was some of my best work. purrr purrr
001022 -- Sometimes a manager must deliver bad news. - Luckily I enjoy it. - Our sales force failed to meet their goals. - So I have to fire an engineer to reduce expenses. What? - You should fire the incompetent sales people! - It's immoral to punish
001022 -- innocent engineers for the sins of people! I will fight this all the way! - I'm firing Ted, not you. - Fair enough. Can you wait until I borrow his hole puncher.
001023 -- What the...? - You still work here? -  That's gonna take a bite out of my productivity.
001024 -- Your personal use of the Internet is like stealing from the company! - You work for human resources; that's like stealing from the company, too. - Maybe we should form a gang.
001025 -- Our records show that you used the Internet for personal reasons. You're fired. - Please, I merely ordered groceries online so that I might have more time for working. - My motto is, you can't spell "who cares?" without h.r. It's evil, but it's
001025 -- true.
001026 -- I...must...resist...using...the Internet for personal reasons. - Gaa! There's a whole world of knowledge and entertainment at my fingertips...teasing me! - Ice cream! I'm so hungry! No eating in your cubicle.
001027 -- I fired everyone who used the Internet for personal stuff. - The only wrinkle in that policy is that you and I are the only employees left. - And frankly, I use the Web for personal stuff too. Can you teach me how?
001028 -- And what's your reason for leaving your previous job? - You fired me yesterday for non-business use of the Internet. - Crime doesn't pay. Wait until you hear my minimum acceptable salary.
001029 -- Thank you. Have a nice day. - She's flirting with me. - Um...would you like to go out with me on Saturday? - I wasn't flirting. This is my phony customer service smile. - Employees are required to smile. - Okay, but *now* you're flirting,
001029 -- aren't you? No, still phony. - Wally has to see this. - Hey, it looks like she's flirting with me! Is this great or what?
001030 -- My son is flunking all his classes. I'm hoping he can get a job involving computers. - Carrying them? - People don't like it when you fill in the blanks in their stories.
001031 -- Ted, your thirty-day dance of death begins today. - You must find a new job within the company during that time. - Is the spray-paint absolutely necessary? That's an "L."
001101 -- I need a new job within the company before the window shuts. - Catbert is already up to "O." Next week he gets an "S." - He wouldn't say but it starts with an "L."
001102 -- Catbert says I have to get a new job within the company. - Could you find it within your heart... I'll check. - Nope. No jobs in there.
001103 -- Today is my last day. I'm saying my farewells. - We've never talked, but I was working my way down the row and here you are. - So...let's stay in touch. Don't be a stranger.
001104 -- I've always been an incurable romantic. - Do you mind if I take off my shoe? I've got some sort of fungus that needs air. - I'M CURED! I like to scratch it on the table leg. Oops. Is that you?
001105 -- Am I fired? - Of course not, Ted. I enjoy e-mailed jokes as much as anyone. - I'm still laughing about your "Top Ten Signs that Your Boss is a Hairless Rodent". - I asked you here to discuss the reclassification of your job. - Starting today,
001105 -- the job required a PhD. Feel free to apply for your own job. - Whew! Luckily I have a PhD. - You do? Well, the job also requires an Olympia gold medal. - Synchronized swimming, 1992. And a post-humous congressional medal of honor.
001106 -- This sign is my passport to cubicle tranquility. DO not Disturb - I wonder why no one ever thought of it before. - Nice sign. Does it keep away the undesirables?
001107 -- You should put an "E-" in front of your title. - It's too boring just being the director of information, operations and technology. - From now on, call me the E-diot. If only there were an easy way to remember that.
001108 -- You can compensate for your lack of knowledge by talking too much. - And don't be limited by society's expectation that you be interesting. - Sometimes I like to sit quietly and think up ideas. Nothing good can come from that.
001109 -- I'm learning to golf. - Now I won't be excluded from all the male-dominated golf events. - Have you been dominating golf events? Sometimes I can make them miss putts on TV.
001110 -- Thanks, hun. HON?! - YOU SEXIST %!*%! I WILL BURN YOUR VILLAGE AND MAKE SLAVES OF YOUR CHILDREN! - It's short for Attila the Hun. Everyone calls you that. That seems harsh.
001111 -- I declare next Friday to be "Hawaiian Shirt Day." - Hey, you're disguising punishments as perks! - They're on us. Did you try the fake smile?
001112 -- I signed you up for a trip to the south pole. - Um...why? - You'll love it. You leave tomorrow. - I AN *NOT* GOING TO THE SOUTH POLE! - Oh, I get it, you're a control freak. - GAAA! CAN'T YOU SEE IT'S *YOU* WHO IS TRYING TO CONTROL *ME*?!! -
001112 -- All I see is you trying to manipulate me into not sending you to the south pole. - It seemed easier.
001113 -- We have a gigantic database full of customer behavior information. - Excellent. We can use non-linear math and data mining technology to optimize our retail channels! - If that's the same thing as spam, we're having a good meeting here.
001114 -- Catbert: evil H.R. director What's the most evil way to use our database of customer information? - Should we sell our mailing lists, spam without mercy, or just blackmail customers? - Um...do you have *me* in that database? We know all about
001114 -- your clumping problems.
001115 -- The Dogbert Temp Agency uses genetic engineering to grow our own workers. - Isn't that dangerous? I wear safety goggles. - I'm the new temp. Um...I'm Alice.
001116 -- It's a pleasure to meet you, Alice. - - Ooowee! That was a good hand shake.
001117 -- I'm from the Dogbert Temp Agency. Do you need a hand? - I get it. Hee hee! Get what? - Then I said, "Don't get mad; try counting to fifteen." Ouch.
001118 -- These copies you made for me are blank. - That's because all the originals were blank. - Maybe you could have checked the other sides. Talk to the hand.
001119 -- I'm writing a business book called "Change happens. Get over it." - The title says it all. Yeah. It needs filler. - How about a parable? Good idea. - Two bulls were talking. - One bull says, "I'm afraid of change." - The other bull says, "Get
001119 -- over it." - Later that day they were both ground into hamburgers and served a picnic. - The hard part will be finding someone to write the foreword.
001120 -- All music on the Internet should be free. Artists could make money from tips. - Great idea. We'll do the same thing here with the engineers. - Have you ever noticed that my ideas are only brilliant when applied to other people?
001121 -- My name is Wally and I'll be your engineer. - Our special today is incomprehensible mumbling in an acronym sauce with a snide of attitude. - I'll just have a technical review. Do you want sarcasm with that?
001122 -- I hate working for tips. No, I ordered the R.F.P. - Maybe you were THINKING R.F.P. but you SAID spec binder, you arrogant cow! - With any luck, she'll say, "You had me at cow."
001123 -- How much did you make in tips today? - Three breath mints and one death thread scrawled on a napkin. - I hope I don't forget which breath mint came from the napkin guy.
001124 -- Dilbert, my man, you're stayin' real and keepin' to the core. - Is that good? I don't even know what it means. - Why do you say things that have no meaning? DU-U-U-DE!
001125 -- I used not to care about my subordinates. - But that's all changed. - Now I delegate the not-caring function to what's-her-face over here.
001126 -- My analysis shows that your pet project isn't feasible. - Try working the numbers. - That wouldn't change the underlying reality. - What if we massaged the numbers? - Massaging the numbers means the same thing as working the numbers. - You
001126 -- can't make the impossible possible by hallucinating new numbers. - Do you have any other ideas? - That depends what the phrase "fiddle with the numbers" means.
001127 -- Wally, we can't find our CPR dummy. I need your help. - Finding it? - Yes, assuming you can do that while lying on your back with your mouth open.
001128 -- The company will be holding mandatory CPR training for all employees. GAA!! - I am surrounded by pear-shaped, beef-eating, middle-aged men who I prefer not to touch. - Uh-oh...I hope that's just stress.
001129 -- Asok is down. Does anyone know CPR? - Is CPR the one where we take his kidney and leave him in a tub of ice? - Um...I don't think so. We'd better strip him and shave him just in case.
001130 -- Okay, we have one vote for using CPR, one vote for the Heimlich maneuver... - and two votes for sneaking up behind him and yelling "Boo." - I don't see how we can get behind him. What if we drill a hole from below?
001201 -- I'll see if the guys in marketing know first aid. - Really? I picked that intern in our engineering dead pool! - Apparently our team.building potluck lunch didn't take.
001202 -- I'm alive! - Which one of you angels administered the live-saving CPR? - Speaking of "lifesavers," I could sure use one right now.
001203 -- I'd like to work flex time. - I'll work for five hours before anyone else gets into the office... - Then I'll tale a break for ten hours... - Then I'll work five more hours after the witnesses...er...co-workers go home. - You'll know I'm working
001203 -- hard because my cublicle will be filthy. - But I have to be perfectly honest: there's a down side to this plan. - I would miss your staff meetings that I cherish so much. - I'm having trouble keeping my clever schemes separate from my sarcasm.
001204 -- Jury room Aahh, one sweet week away from my job. - I'll have hours of quiet time to read my new book. - yadda yadda blah blah yadda There's a guy here with a book. blah blah blah yack yack
001205 -- Jury duty What excuse are you planning to use? - I'm happy to serve. It's my civic responsibility. - Insanity, good one.
001206 -- Jury selection Juror eight, do you have any medical problems that would prevent you from serving? - No, I need jury duty. - Would it be fair to say you don't know what you need? Why does everyone ask me that?
001207 -- Jury selection Your honor, it is against my religion to judge others. Only god may judge. - You're excused. - Ooh ooh! I just changed my religion! Jerk.
001208 -- My clients life now rests in your capable hands. ZZZZZZZZZZZZ - Jury deliberations Did anything happen after "please rise"?
001209 -- The jury verdict We find the defendant guilty... - ...of this crime and maybe a few others that didn't come up. - Lastly, do you have any brochures for the witness protection program?
001210 -- And we'll have sub-second response time. - Actually, it's already two seconds and your change will add two more. - Why do you always have to be right? - Just once can't you admit I', right? - Okay, I admit that two plus two equals less than one.
001210 -- I don't mean now, jerk. I mean in general. - Okay. In general, I admit that the rules of physics are optional. - YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG!! You're right. My fault again.
001211 -- We don't have enough engineers to handle all the requests for sales support. - Build an online database to log all the requests. - It might look as if I'm staring at you with a mixture of contempt and disbelief, but I'm actually meditating.
001212 -- Is that what you wanted? I'm not saying. - If I tell you it's good, you'll rub it in my face at your performance review. - I'm sorry. See how you are?
001213 -- Dogbert Consults I've been told to make a succession plan. - The plan should say what to do if I die. I can help. - And if Satan makes you stand in flaming worms up to your nose, try standing on your tiptoes for eternity.
001214 -- The Succession Plan If anything happens to me, Wally will be your leader. - I HAVE A MULTI-VITAMIN! QUICK, TAKE IT! - We're safe for now.  This turns out to be a mixed blessing.
001215 -- Why did you cross-charge your time to my budget? I attended your meeting. - All you did was sit there like a drunken monkey.  I want a refund. Talk to my boss. - ...so it doesn't seem fair. KA-CHING!
001216 -- Are there any questions? - - Do you ever feel alone when you're with people? I try to.
001217 -- Everything is ready. We just need the budget. - You did the funding...didn't you? - I've been very busy. - This project has been your top priority for over a year!!! - You only had one task: get funding. - What have you been doing for the past
001217 -- year?! - I remember attending meetings... - AAYIIIYIIIYIII!! If you need anything, just holler.
001218 -- I worry that casual dress days encourage flirtatious behavior. - I mean, look how adorable I am in my turtleneck sweater. How are the ladies supposed to concentrate? - Do you think I should put warning cones around my cubicle?
001219 -- casual dress day is hurting our productivity. We need to cancel it. - Is it possible that our real problems are caused by irrational management? - NO, I think comfortable pants are the problem. Sounds right.
001220 -- There will be no more casual dress days. - We believe that employees work harder when they are wearing uncomfortable clothing. - I feel all motivated but I can't lift my arms.
001221 -- I'm thinking of adopting an incomprehensible accent so people won't ask me questions. - Um...are you leaving that coffee pot empty right in front of me? - Meeyerna derna furna algnkin buhjoorna.
001222 -- Wally, are you free for lunch? - I need to remind myself how lucky I am that I don't have your laziness or personality or looks. - Would you say I'm kind of a renaissance loser?
001223 -- As you know, I'm the only employee who is not exceeding expectations. - You should punish the others for unscrupulously padding their objectives! Those lying weasles!! - Can I get a whistle-blower award for this?
001224 -- I've been thinking about your birthday, Mom. How sweet. - It seems so inefficient to wrap up your present. - You'll just rip up the wrapping paper an hour later. - So I was thinking of throwing a towel over it instead. - You'd get all of the
001224 -- element of surprise without wasting paper. - Maybe I can use one of your towels so I don't have to lug one from my house. - Of course, dear. I wouldn't want you to lug a big heavy towel just for me. - Good. It's settled. Those aren't for you.
001225 -- I must clear my mind of all thoughts. - At the end of the day We'll be in a market space on a going forward basis. - Om...om...page... I'll come back when you're done practicing being useless.
001226 -- I think he tried to meditate. That's the problem. - You shouldn't mix meditation with management. The mind gets too empty. - What can we do? I plan to rifle through his pockets.
001227 -- He might be faking a coma to avoid work. - The only way to find out is to punch him repeatedly. - Maybe we should get Alice. Do you remember if I'm right- of left-handed?
001228 -- I'll tape a pencil to his hand and use it to sign a raise for me. - That would be so unethical...hiccup May I have ten percent? - That hiccup damaged my moral compass.
001229 -- A manager's brain is like a pump. If it becomes empty you must prime it. - Whatever he learns first will form the foundation for all of his future perceptions. - This guy has been talking smack about you. Unh...
001230 -- I asked for more E-Mail storage space and you deleted all of my files! - You complain when I ignore your requests and you complain when I delete your files. - THOSE AREN'T YOUR ONLY CHOICES!! I can't please everyone.
001231 -- Any advice? - Try to be less like you. - That might work. - Less like me...less like me. - I collect crystals. Uh-oh. - I don't know of any scientific evidence that they can heal. Whew. - But it's my point of view that they do. - When did
001231 -- ignorance become a point of view? - Too much like me.
010101 -- Dilbert, meet Topper. He's amazing. - No matter what you say about yourself, he'll top it. - How are you? I can't go first. It ruins my system.
010102 -- I'm getting a mouse cramp. - I spent seven years chained upside down to an Elbonian prison wall. - At the risk of sounding too competitive, I believe I'm winning this conversation.
010103 -- My project will save the company a million dollars. Mine save twenty million. - My project will take a year to complete. Mine takes a week. - Topper, I have half a mind... I have one percent of a mind.
010104 -- My headache is doozy. Ha! That's nothing. - BAM! BAM! BAM! - Um...you win. I'm just getting started!
010105 -- I created software that makes all copyrighted work on the net available for free! - Wouldn't that destroy all forms of creativity and plunge us into a depression? - Yes...but it is very neat.
010106 -- My plan is to give away our product for free. - We'll only bill customers who ask us to deinstall it. - For once, those reports of consumer decapitations will work in our favor.
010107 -- No known battery technology can handle this load and be this size. - That's not what you wanted to hear. - So your mind will erase what I said... - ...and replace the memory with something totally ridiculous so you can question my motives. -
010107 -- GAAH! The transformation is complete. - How can you say there's no such thing as a battery?! - You're lying to avoid work! I'm going to talk to your boss! - Lately, the only thing keeping me from being a serial killer is my distaste for manual
010107 -- labor. - You're preaching to the choir.
010108 -- Do you have a plan for retaining the best employees? - I whittle at their confidence until they believe no one else would ever hire them. - Doesn't that make them sluggish? Yes, but if they're *all* sluggish, it looks right.
010109 -- Hello, employee, I'm the motivation fairy. - My magic wand will make you enjoy working despite the utter futility. - Knock yourself out. Wally?! Gaa! I thought you were a myth!
010110 -- The Motivation Fairy You will be my greatest challenge. - I'll bet you get paid less than minimum wage and they don't reimburse you for travel. - Wings...so...heavy... So, what kind of career path you got going?
010111 -- The Motivation Fairy If you work hard, you will gain respect of your peers. - If I avoid the stress of hard work, I will outlive my peers. - Hard work can kill me? If you're lucky.
010112 -- The Motivation Fairy It seems like your job isn't very rewarding. Vision getting blurry. - Long hours. No raises. No cubicles. Hair coming out in clumps. - He's good. He's very good.
010113 -- If you work hard, you can achieve great things! - And then you die. - It never pays to mix reality with inspirational speeches.
010114 -- I have the results of the employee personality type preferences. - Remind me again why we're doing this. - Your teamwork will be better when you understand that you have different styles of thinking. - For example, Dilbert prefers to use logic
010114 -- to solve problems. - But Randy relies more heavily on morals and values to solve problems. - That sounds like a fancy way of saying Randy is an idiot. - Oh, yeah? Well, I might be an idiot but you're illogical. - That didn't sound as menacing
010114 -- as I had hoped. It's okay. We understand.
010115 -- I'd like you to meet our ad agency's creative team. - Pete Peters, Robert Roberts, and Holly Hollister. - Witty remark, anyone? I've got nothing.
010116 -- The Ad Agency This cat will say something. - Then this other cat will say, Yeah, right." It's like sarcasm. - HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! This explains so much.
010117 -- The Ad Agency The stick man runs through a tire fire and gets eaten by a giant wolverine. - Will that make people like us? - It's not an exact science.
010118 -- The Ad Agency Is it wise to insult all of these minority groups in our commercial? - What's the worst thing that could happen? - Does our company have to spit on a flag? That's it; you're on my "difficult client" list now.
010119 -- The "Exactly" Man Your idea won't work. No one would by this kind of product. - We already sell ten million of these per year. My idea just makes them better. - EXACTLY!! ?
010120 -- The "Exactly" Man Everything you said in the meeting was wrong. Here's the exact proof. - EXACTLY!! - Okay, I'm not even sure that was a humanoid response.
010121 -- Professional Liar - What kind of lie do you need? It's...it's embarrassing. - Are you a producer who needs a good review for a lousy movie? No. - Are you an author who needs a slobbering quote for the cover of your lousy book? - It's worse than
010121 -- that. Much worse. - Worse? That could only be... Aaack! - FIND SOMEONE ELSE, YOU FILTHY DOT-COM FOUNDER! I HAVE MY LIMITS! - ...and since your firm underwrote our IPO... Would I get to be on TV?
010122 -- Um...Mordac, my new PC arrived without a monitor. - Bah! Only interns with weak memories need monitors! - Please. I am having enough difficulty memorizing my calendar. Did you want any cheese with that whine?
010123 -- I'm going to start up a discount brokerage firm. - I'll offer my lowest commissions to customers who don't mind bad advice and verbal abuse. - Did I mention that I won't be keeping any records? You didn't need to.
010124 -- Discount Brokerage You can only open an account if you meet my stringent requirements. - True or false money evaporates because of photosynthesis. True? - You're in. Don't yell yee-haw!
010125 -- Discount Brokerage I need an estate plan for after I pass away. - Here's a plan: Stay dead. No one likes a Zombie. - What about gifts? Zombies make bad gifts.
010126 -- Discount Brokerage When you open an account, you'll get a free dart board and make money. - If your balance drops below five hundred dollars, we'll order the monkey to kill you. - Well, think about it and get back to me.
010127 -- Discount Brokerage Can you give me free investment advice? Sure - GIVE ME ALL OF YOUR MONEY NOW NOW NOW!! - What if I paid for some advice? It's the same except my ears don't flip up in a threatening manner.
010128 -- We've got to figure out why all our projects fail. - What do all our projects have in common? - It might not be obvious. - But if we're honest with ourselves... - We  can find the source of the problem. Ah-ah-ah- scratch scratch - ACH-ITZ-YOU!!
010128 -- Gesundheit - So, does anyone know what the problem is? - I've noticed that Dilbert doesn't work as hard as I think he should.
010129 -- Your stock will rise if a stock analyst says good things about your company. - How is that even possible? One word: weasels. - I just found my new pick-and-shovel core holding.
010130 -- Equity Analyst I'll rate your stock a "must buy now" if you give us your investment banking business. - Aren't you supposed to have a Chinese wall between those two businesses? - Am I too early? Use the door, idiot.
010131 -- We outsourced our sales and fulfillment functions to an Elbonian company. - Um...are you sure that's the best way to sell complex technology? - Could you call back? We have a bad string.
010201 -- This is the Elbonian fulfillment service. How may I thwart you? - Grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt - Okay, it wasn't funny the first 300 times either.
010202 -- The results of our customer satisfaction survey are in. - 83% spat at their telephones until they died of dehydration. - We're calling that group "the lucky ones."
010203 -- Hello, is this the sales department? - May you die a thousand deaths by choking on your own bile! - A supervisor may be monitoring this call for quality control. It's good.
010204 -- I'm a reporter for "Dogbert's Technology Magazine." - I'm writing a totally objective review of your newest product. - First question: Will you advertise in my magazine or is your new product a piece of junk? - Um...we'll advertise. - Will it
010204 -- be a multi page ad or is your new product a piece of junk? - It'll be a ten-page ad. - Can you stand on your head for an our or is your new product a piece of junk? - Would you like to subscribe to my magazine? It's ten pages of ads.
010205 -- I hired a creep to help determine our product features. - You need more features. Good work. - When can you have that done? GAAA!!
010206 -- The Feature Creep Is it too late to give our product a low-battery indicator? - I'd have to work night and day for a month! My health would decline and I'd miss all my objectives! - I just realized that other people's problems make me all warm
010206 -- inside.
010207 -- The Feature Creep Being a feature creep is like having a super power. - That's what makes me so sexy. oomp - That oomp sound just bought you a new feature, Missy.
010208 -- You have failed to meet a goal set by our CEO. - Do you mean the impossible goal, the ill-advised one, or the one you didn't tell me about? - I figured out what's wrong with life: it's other people.
010209 -- My flight didn't get in until three this morning. - Would you mind slapping the back of my head until my eyes uncross? - Pour all of your coffee in here and no one gets hurt.
010210 -- My flight took all night but I still came to work on time as usual. - I didn't want to jeopardize the company by missing work. - You're not allowed to park in the lobby. SINCE WHEN?!
010211 -- My nephew wants a job. Interview him and tell me what you think. - Let's see...your work experience is...bowling. - Are you a professional bowler? I only bowled once. - But the balls were heavy. It seemed like work to me. - That experience taught
010211 -- me everything I know. - Unfortunately, I don't remember most of it. - But I remember you're not supposed to bowl in the snack bar. - I recommend having him whacked. - He's your new boss.
010212 -- Our CEO says we are poised for huge growth in earnings. - In an unrelated move, he announced that he will leave the company before any of his stock options vest. - The poor guy will miss all of our growth.
010213 -- Is that work? I can't see what's on the screen. - If he sees me I'll pretend I'm in mid-stride, just passing by. - The small font is working. good. Muscles cramping.
010214 -- Smile, Alice. It won't hurt. - GAAAK!! - I found out I can kill people by looking at them. I wondered why you were smiling.
010215 -- The key to happiness is self-delusion. - Don't think of yourself as an organic pain collector racing towards oblivion. - I've never had that thought...until now. Don't blame me; I said don't.
010216 -- I'm a nature lover. When I fish, I only do catch-and-release. - In other words, you torture fish for fun. - I wonder why everything I do sounds bad when it's put in other words.
010217 -- Good news: the deadline got pushed back a week. - Good news?! I've been working for forty hours straight to finish on time! - I just realized I don't know the difference between good news and bad news.
010218 -- The Call Center Carl. Reduce your average call time or you're history. - beep beep beep beep - WHAT?! - I have a question about your product. - FASTER! FASTER! FASTER! - Um...it's about the interface. Great. Thanks. click - Your average call
010218 -- time is way down. You get a bonus. - Maybe it's a mistake to do this job while I study for the priesthood.
010219 -- What is this strange and beautiful feeling inside of me?! - Waves of ecstasy are pulsing through my soul. - This is why I only give positive reinforcement once a year. I'm all tingly!
010220 -- I experienced something called positive reinforcement today. - I'm addicted to it now...but it's wearing off...must get more... - Say something nice about me! For a crazy woman you don't drool to much.
010221 -- I'm addicted to positive reinforcement. - I need some deliverables so I can be praised again. - results
010222 -- I inadvertently gave Alice verbal praise. Is she addicted? - She's been lying and stealing to get more. She leaves us no choice. - I have to promote you to management.
010223 -- Hello, Alice. I'm your soul. - You're a manager now, you won't be needing me. - Here's a claim ticket in case you get demoted or learn to play Sax.
010224 -- Alice the Manager How do I cope with the emptiness of having no soul? - Try doing this with your teeth while you dance. - Is there another way? I can teach you to play air guitar.
010225 -- I have an idea! - We'll automate our online tech support. - Our software will analyze incoming E-Mail and send responses based on key words! - That's an excellent plan. I know. - But what about the one percent of our customers who actually get
010225 -- a useful response? - Maybe we could wear ski masks and throw rocks at their houses. - Then we could achieve our goal of 100% customer dissatisfaction! Woo hoo! - Maybe I should work someplace where sarcasm and supportiveness are different
010225 -- things.
010226 -- No one knows the secret location of the management training facility. - If no one knows where it is, how do we get there? - This part can get loud.
010227 -- Management Training What would you do if you made a huge, incredibly stupid mistake? - I would try to learn from it. - Did you learn anything from your answer?
010228 -- Management Training There are two essential rules of management. - One: the customer is always right. - Two: they must be punished for their arrogance!
010301 -- Management Training You twist the ears to unlock the skull. - Find the moral compass and deactivate it. - The result is something called leadership. You're working weekends!
010302 -- Management Training Tim will demonstrate the management cloak of invisibility. - I admit it doesn't seem very special when you know how it's done.
010303 -- How do you like being a manager, Alice? - Do me a favor; sneak into my house tonight and smother me with a pillow. - I think she was kidding. I'll see if she puts up a struggle.
010304 -- Fred, you're an incompetent VP. You're fired. - May I ask for one favor? Sure. I could use a laugh. - Please don't make my resignation announcement terse. - If it's terse, everyone will know I was fired for incompetence. - Does that smile mean
010304 -- you'll do what I ask? - I'm sorry if that was ambiguous.  Let me try again. - I'm still not getting your meaning. - Re: Fred Career dead.
010305 -- Souls I'd like my soul back. Here's my claim ticket. You've been demoted back to non-management. Very well. - Get back in the cubicle. No-o-o-o!!
010306 -- I use my huge bottle of water to avoid work. GLUG GLUG GLUG GLUG GLUG GLUG GLUG - Wally, would you...um...Wally? Uh...Wally... GLUG GLUG GLUG GLUG
010307 -- I'll take this one. No, no, no. Huge mistake. - You need the security and reliability of the XQ-7 - Okay, I'll take the XQ-7 Shoot! I wish my company made that one.
010308 -- Wally, you have to see this vendor. Why? - I think he's telling the truth. NO WAY! - When the focus groups saw this product they were afraid  to eat our sandwiches.
010309 -- The Honest Vendor Five minutes after you buy it you'll want to throw it through a window. - We sell these at a loss but we make it up with our window repair business. - It fell off. - Sometimes the components actually die from shame.
010310 -- The Honest Vendor It wan't nice to meet you. - You didn't buy enough; I'll probably spank my hamster for no reason. - Repeat business is overrated.
010311 -- The master of delegation hears the footsteps of his prey. - Hi GAAA!! - Call this vendor and tell him I want the third thing he told me about. - Okay, that will save two minutes of your valuable time. - When the vendor asks me dozens of
010311 -- questions should I just guess at the answers? - Or would you prefer to spend an hour giving me enough background so you can avoid a two-minute call? - You know what's funny? This conversation lasted a minute...and there are two of us. - Are you
010311 -- done? I think you wrote down your own phone number.
010312 -- Don't be afraid of change. - You're right! I'm going to get a gender change operation and move to China! - I've always wondered what would happen if someone listened to you.
010313 -- I'm a bit suspicious about you calling in sick yesterday on a Monday, Alice. - GLAH! - Luckily I had lots of optional guts.
010314 -- I'm safe from your germs, Alice. You can sneeze all you want. - AHH... -
010315 -- I'm promoting you to president of our dot-com subsidiary. - Your job is to fire everyone. - Would I get a raise? How does a billion shares of stock sound?
010316 -- Dilbert: Dot-Com CEO We have no profit now and we never will. You're all laid off. - Does anyone know what laid off means? It must be a compliment. - You're pretty laid off yourself, dude. Want a hit of this?
010317 -- Dogbert's Tech Support Your mousepad is incompatible with your operating system. - Try rebooting the mousepad. If that doesn't work, I'll call you back. - How will you know? I'll watch you through your monitor.
010318 -- Get approval from marketing. - doom - I REJECT YOUR PATHETIC PLAN - Do you have any interest in knowing what the plan is? doom - Not unless you're proposing to smite my enemies. - I prefer to call them customers. And yes, they'll take it in the
010318 -- shorts. doom - As an added inducement I will give you this cool little cloud of doom. doom - I'm going to staple you to my sales projections. doom
010319 -- We need to reduce staff by twenty. - Here's a list of people you've a-l-m-o-s-t worked to death. - I have another project for you...uh...Ted.
010320 -- I hope she's home. beep boop beep - If you'd like to take me to Paris, press one. If you are inviting me to a lousy movie, press two. - I've got a bad feeling about this. beep
010321 -- I like take-charge men who just say, "c'mon, we're going someplace." - C'mon, we're going to the bowling alley! - That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard. I think I see how this works.
010322 -- You don't give your opinion on anything. Are you spineless? - Maybe you create an environment in which giving an opinion is an invitation to unnecessary pain. - GREAT! YOU'RE MAKING ME CRY IN PUBLIC!!
010323 -- We can't show these numbers to our VP. They make us look like loosers. - Find something we're doing well and give him those numbers instead. - Wow! Our internal subterfuge is up eighty percent!
010324 -- We try to retain our best employees by giving them "golden handcuffs." - The rest of you will experience our other program, the one I call "prickly panties." - Then he gave me a huge bowl of candy. Hey, they cut our dental plan again!
010325 -- Tina, I have to give you a performance review of "poor" because you did no work this year. - NO WORK? - I wrote hundreds of technical documents this year! - I worked seventy hours a week! - I e-mailed every one of the documents to you... -
010325 -- ...with instructions to forward them with your approval to the end users. - That reminds me: I don't know how to open attachments. - Why didn't you tell me you never got my documents? Who are you?
010326 -- Do you have any advice for my job interview? - Try juggling the items on the desk. It will make you seem confident. - Sorry
010327 -- Ratbert, I have good and bad news. - The good news is I'm starting up a power utility company and you're my new VP of operations! - The bad news is that your office is inside a wheel attached to a generator.
010328 -- Bob, I'm starting a power utility company. - You'll be my director of marketing. Your job is to increase revenue. - Normally I'm an herbivore, Billy, but when the lights go off...
010329 -- Buy your electricity from the Dogbert Power Company. - We generate all of our power with the help of California Environmentalists. - These are getting harder to find lately.
010330 -- ...and so you agree that the delays are your fault? yeh. - I WON THE MEETING!! - Only a sore looser would trip someone on his victory lap. He is so-o-o immature.
010331 -- Catbert: Evil H.R. Director ...and I have five years experience as a dot-com president. - You're in luck. We need someone who can burn though twenty million dollars without making a profit. - Really? The last nine interviewers said the same
010331 -- thing but they were joking.
010401 -- Would you like to join me for a hardening? What's that? - A hardening is when an employee is given more work than his central nervous system can handle. - His whole body suddenly goes stiff. I'm in. - I've been ripening Asok all month. purr
010401 -- purr - So much work...no time. - Asok, I have another assignment for you. GAAA!!! - I heard a hardening. Get the apathy cream. - He'll be okay when the apathy sinks in. We forgot the air hole.
010402 -- Why aren't you signed up for the 401K? - I'd never be able to run that far. - I did a 10K wheelchair race once. The guy who pushed me still has whip marks.
010403 -- Which assignment is the highest priority? - Is it the totally worthless one or the other totally worthless one? - I hope I'm empowered to make that decision. Hope is a double-edged sword.
010404 -- They can make me work in a little box, but they can't crush my spirit. - Our ISO9000 coordinator died of boredom. You'll have to do his job plus yours. - And one of the quality assurance guys is looking pale...
010405 -- Wow! I've been selected for the "Who's Incredible" list! - For seventy-five dollars I can buy  a leather-bound book with my name in it! - Ha! And people said I was to gullible to be a success! "Dear Occupant"
010406 -- I'm bringing my copy of "Who's Incredible" to my high school reunion. - If anyone asks how I'm doing, I'll casually open the book and point to my name. - I got rich selling a book called "Who's Incredible" to gullible people.
010407 -- High School Reunion I started with nothing. Now I have my own cubicle. - Say, now that we're both adults, would you like to...you know? Yes. - I've got to be more specific.
010408 -- Did you call me here to punish me? - No, no, Asok. I want you to manage our annual business plan process. - How do I do that? - First, you beg your co-workers for information about their budget needs. - Half of them will give you lies. The
010408 -- other half will ignore you, thus underscoring your unimportance. - Then you'll combine the lies and guesses into a worthless ball of data for senior management. - Then our CEO will make budget decisions based on magazine articles. - How bad was
010408 -- the punishment? Worse than I expected.
010409 -- We've discovered oil in the Elbonian Wildlife Preserve. - Don't worry about the endangered species.  Our drilling will have no impact. - Oops
010410 -- I'm sad to report that our oil drilling has caused the extinction of the Elbonian unicorn. - Save a sample of the animal's DNA so we can clone a new one. - Don't finish that.
010411 -- Our oil wells in the Elbonian Wildlife Preserve have caused the extinction of seven species. - Luckily, they were useless species who did nothing but eat and grunt. - mm...mm...mm...
010412 -- You're ruining the pristine beauty of Elbonia! - This is a picture of pristine Elbonia. - ...and then you said, "it doesn't matter if we see it first." Then I said...
010413 -- Due to a tight labor market and increasingly complicated tasks... - Harder and harder jobs will be staffed with dumber and dumber employees until the logical limit. - This meeting.
010414 -- Your user requirements include four hundred features. - Do you realize that no human would be able to use a product with that level of complexity? - Good point. I'd better add "ease to use" to the list.
010415 -- What is your most valuable asset? - Employees? HEE! - Your most valuable asset is rampant ignorance. - For example, you would never start a project if you knew how much it would really cost. - Employees stay here because they don't know there
010415 -- are better jobs across the street. What? - Customers buy your products because they don't know about all the bugs. Good point. - I recommend wearing trash cans on your heads to avoid any accidental exposure to knowledge. - Did he tell you he
010415 -- was a consultant? He said he was selling trash cans.
010416 -- How about mandatory lunchtime meetings? On the subject of worktime balance! - HIGH FIVE!!! - Uh-oh. He's been high-fiving Catbert again.
010417 -- My cubicle is sucking the life force out of me. - I mean, it always has, but it seems like it's happening faster now. - They noticed. LifeSuck 3000
010418 -- What's the worst thing that could happen? - Our beta product could turn into an evil robot that annihilates the galaxy. - Apparently I don't know what "worst" means.
010419 -- I believe there is one true soul mate for every person. - He must be very busy. I meant one per erson. - Your way would be stupid. Can your soul mate be a monkey?
010420 -- Our company values are trust, integrity and teamwork. - For the first time in my life I feel the warm glow of unconditional love! - You're under a heating vent. Oh...well. That's good too.
010421 -- I must keep in mind our company's core values of trust, integrity and teamwork. - May I borrow your chair? Okay. - What are you selling on E-Bay?
010422 -- Why don't you try using a wireless fiber multipage? - Well, first of all, no such thing exists. - If it did exist, it would surely be the wrong solution for a software bug. - And there's no extra money in our budget for hardware. - yawn It
010422 -- would take six months to write a business case and get funding. - Then our I.T. people would refuse to install it because it's not an approved vendor. - Do you have a better idea? Yes. I just fixed it. - Do you think you can hold the fort while
010422 -- I go coach someone else?
010423 -- Now for the weekly Wally report. - Wally struggled to maintain his morale despite the ninety percent drop in his stock options. - Then he remembered that someone lost much, much more than he did.
010424 -- The key to success is to remain optimistic even when you fail. - What's the point of succeeding if failing feels good? - I'll read another page of that magazine article tomorrow and get back to you.
010425 -- Maybe I can stave off the boredom by imagining my co-workers naked, - AAAGH! NO-O-O-O! - No more donuts for you. Hey, don't even kid about that.
010426 -- I downsized Ted and outsourced his important job functions. - I'd like you to do all of his unimportant job functions. - Why do we do unimportant things? Because we can!
010427 -- It feels like everyone in the world is lying to me. - Congress is lying about the budget, stock analysts are lying about their recommendations, my boss is lying... - This therapy stuff is scientifically proven to work, right? It's 100%
010427 -- effective.
010428 -- Do you have a good job? It depends on what you mean by good. - If you consider the decline of my stock options, I work sixty hours a week for nothing. - Hey, look at the time. My boss thinks I work eighty hours. Hee hee hee!
010429 -- Our industry is in a slump. We need to make changes. - Our current management style could be described as paternal. - Our new management style doesn't have a name yet. - Ooh ooh! I have a suggestion. - The new management style could be called
010429 -- "We hate our employees." - Not bad. - I need a volunteer with our "back to the nineties" kick-off. - How is this like the nineties? Stop wiggling.
010430 -- My next generation Internet project is right on schedule. - It'll be done sometime in the next generation. - If you know any cute single women with low standards, it would really help
010501 -- A happy Dilbert prepares to go home after a long day in the cubicle. - Too late! The six o'clock horror is upon him! GAAA!!! - In your workspace no one can hear you scream. What was that. Just keep walking.
010502 -- A Nigerian banker needs my help getting thirty million dollars out of his country! - All I need to do is give him my bank information by E-Mail and I'll get a ten percent commission! - Dear Gustava, my bank is a tube sock that fell behind the
010502 -- dryer.
010503 -- I think we have snails in the office. - There's a slime trail on everything. - That might be the second sign that I'm addicted to hand lotion HAND LOTION
010504 -- Why are our software expenses higher than marketing's software expenses? - For the same reason that monkeys don't wear watches. - An hour later Does it involve fur in any way?
010505 -- Try rebooting your computer. - - Thanks. I feel much better now.
010506 -- The Too Helpful Guy Dilbert, meet the new guy. - Do you like cheese, Dilbert? Um...yes, I guess so. - I'll send two truckloads of parmesan cheese to your house! - Thanks...but I don't need that much cheese. - Message received! I'll send you
010506 -- some bread and a fondue set too. - Here are two tickets to the "world-o-cheese" exhibition in Wisconsin. - Your new nickname will be "Cheeseboy" to reflect your weird obsession. - Hi, I'm Wally. Wally, do you like leather products?
010507 -- Someone threw a computer off the roof and killed our biggest customer. - We plan to replace him with a lookalike who will continue buying from us. - Hey, that's Willy from the club of people who look exact like me.
010508 -- You'll impersonate our dead customer and make large purchases from us. - I've never done anything like this before. - It's called "work." Am I doing it right?
010509 -- Wally's in jail for impersonating a dead person. - He'll have to use all of his street smarts to survive. - I'll need some temporary tattoos? Which way is the gift shop?
010510 -- Wally's in jail. Can you help get him out? - Tell him to try the door. The guards only pretend to lock them. - But I'd have to say it was the lifers who were the most embarrassed.
010511 -- Wally, now that you have a criminal record, I can't let you work on anything important. - I don't have a criminal record. I gave the police a fake name. - You might notice a change in the quality of your assignments.
010512 -- There aren't enough friendly people to fill our call center jobs. - All we can find are angry people who refuse to put their telephone headset microphones near their mouths. - No, I'm sure the problem is on your end.
010513 -- Carol, your overall performance rating is "good." - Aaag! Good is bad! What did I do to deserve this humiliation. - Well, you gave me six hundred phone messages that said, "It might have been Bob." - You can't tell me that none of them were
010513 -- from a Bob! - You arranged for all of my flights to have connections in war zones. - Excuse me for trying to save the company some money. - You held a press conference to announce that I was the parkside strangler. - And he refuses to take any
010513 -- responsibility for giving me vague objectives.
010514 -- Carol, screen my calls and don't let any salespeople through. - Hello, I'm a huge customer or perhaps a childhood friend of your boss. - Give me some flirting and you're in. Is it hot here or is it just you?
010515 -- Carol, why do you keep putting sales people through to me? - I'm taking bribes to supplement my income. It's a natural extension of empowerment. - I sense some micromanagement brewing.
010516 -- Carol, you can't keep accepting bribes from sales people who want access to me. Bad! - Didn't a vendor recently take you on a golf trip to Vegas? - That is so-o-o different. Let's compare price sheets.
010517 -- Do you feel guilty about taking bribes from vendors? - No. Do you feel guilty getting paid to walk around with a coffee cup? - I need to get a bigger cup so it looks harder.
010518 -- Thanks for taking me to dinner. You're a terrific conversationalist. - With you it's so easy. - I discovered that I can write code in my head while you complain about your job all night.
010519 -- My date complained about her life all night long! - But I complain about just *one* thing and she calls *me* a looser. - Did you complain about her personality? That's *one* thing!
010520 -- This is Jittery Jeff. He needs counseling. - I put him in a cubicle at the end of abusy aisle near a doorway. - Now he's jittery because he thinks people are always looking over his shoulder. - Leave him here. I'll counsel him up. - Relax.
010520 -- Jittery Jeff...it's okay now. - RELAX relax relax relax - AAAGH!! SOMEONE IS BEHIND THE DOOR!! - Counseling is mostly instinct.
010521 -- I'm meeting a vendor for drinks tonight. He says it's the only time he has to answer my questions. - If that works, please let us know. - What do you mean "works"? And who is "us"? It's already working!
010522 -- A vendor invited me for drinks. It's the only time he has to talk about his product. - He's the old bait-lube-and-switch trick. That's how I got my first and third wives. - I don't understand. That's why it's works.
010523 -- This is strictly business, right? We're going to talk about  your company's product. - I'll bet I can chug more Chardonnay than you can. - You're a hanshum man and so ish your twin bruver. BURP
010524 -- I'm dating an unattractive man. What should I do? - Every man is ugly until a woman fixes him up. Think of it as a project. - Next, lose the combover, or at least stay out of the wind. How'd you know about the combover?
010525 -- The Boyfriend Project I'm putting you in turtlenecks and jeans. - You don't like to fish anymore. Now you're training for marathons. - WHAA! WHAA! You can only cry at movies.
010526 -- The Boyfriend Project You're making good progress. - I'm ready to be seen with you in public. But don't do any talking. - ...and that's why I think there should be a Nobel prize for wrestling. I said...
010527 -- ...and that's why I recommend using this vendor. - Why don't we use our internal developers? - Let me explain how this will play out. - Step one: we select an outside vendor because our internal developers are clueless weasels. - Step two: We
010527 -- sign a contract and begin work. - Step three: Our internal weasels complain to our VP and she orders us to use them. - Step four: The outside vendor sues us while our weasels grunt out steaming mounds of worthless code. - Do I plan too much? Is
010527 -- this the conversation we practiced yesterday?
010528 -- Dilbert, I'd like you to meet incredulous Ed. - No matter what question you ask him, he'll react as if you're inventing words. - Do you have a family? Do I have a WHAT??
010529 -- Incredulous Ed Ed, do you have the latest budget numbers? - Budget??? What is a "budget"? and why in the world would I have one? - Because you're the budget manager. Here you go.
010530 -- I found the ultimate tool for the mobile professional. - It's a combination PDA, phone, pager, digital camera, fax, e-mail, laptop and shredder. - It clips right into my belt!
010531 -- Carol, order an extra battery for my mobile technology platform. - Do you want the one that straps to your back or the one with its own wheelbarrow? - I think I just lost a lung.
010601 -- I can't give you a raise because you don't ask enough questions in meetings. - Questions show that you care about your job and have a thirst for knowledge. - Who else likes wood?
010602 -- We should read the set-up instructions. - Alice, a true engineer never reads the set-up instructions. - It says to keep it away from any slurping sounds. GAAA!!
010603 -- I'm sorry, Brian. I need to fire all my consultants to save money. - Who will do your highly technical work? - You can transfer your knowledge to Flossie. Hi. - What's with the hand? Do you want to borrow my pencil? - Um...no. This is an
010603 -- invitation to shake hands. It's a greeting ritual. - OUCH!! BRAIN OVERLOAD!! IT'S TOO MUCH INFORMATION!! - PURGE! PURGE! PURGE! - Where am I? I need to raise my rates.
010604 -- What's the lowest ratio of work-to-gabbing that is still considered "work"? - I'd have to say one-in-eight, maybe one-in-nine. Sounds right. - Does talking about work count as work? Well...I'm not enjoying it.
010605 -- We're cutting back on advertising to boost earnings. - Um...excuse me. I'll be right back. Me too. - We got another mass exodus doorway jam.
010606 -- This will be your new motto... - Dance like it hurts. Love like you need money. - Work when people are watching. - You can't assign mottos to me. You'd better read our contract.
010607 -- Our contract clearly states that I can give you nicknames, mottos and political preferences. - I demand a new contract based on the fact that I didn't read this one before I signed it. - Too bad. Skippy. You're a communist now.
010608 -- Did you look an my travel request? Not yet. - Assume it's approved unless I tell you otherwise. - It's too bad that being useless isn't an Olympic sport.
010609 -- Blah blah blah blah I'm trapped in my own cubicle. - Maybe I can gnaw off my arm to escape. - And that worked? People don't stick around when you gnaw on your arm.
010610 -- Defective Co-Workers Hall of Fame  Parrot Man - Your idea won't work. The components are too close. They will overheat. - Let me explain something to you, Dilbert. - These components will overheat. They are much too close. - The reasons involve
010610 -- heat and something I call "proximity." - GAAA!!! I don't have time to explain all the details. - You take everything I say and explain it back to me like I'm a moron! - Excuse me, but I hear a clicking sound and feel compelled to eat a
010610 -- sunflower seed.
010611 -- I expect everyone to work sixteen hours a day. - It seems like that would make us tired. - Wouldn't that make you tired? I wasn't listening.
010612 -- Leaving at seven? - All of my work is done. Then get some more work. - That would make my life an exercise in futility. Exercise is good for you.
010613 -- It looks like someone is leaving early. - I started at 5 A.M. and I've already worked eighty hours this week. So? - I have a doctor appointment for...female... NO DETAILS! GO GO GO!!!
010614 -- I'm running out of new things to say. - I'll have to start repeating myself just to fill the airtime. - You could let other people talk. So, anyway, I'm running out of new things to say.
010615 -- ...and incrementally develop a time-to-market benchmark framework... spoink - THIS MEETING STOLE TWO HOURS OF MY LIFE!!! - Did that help? Yeah, I'm good for another hour.
010616 -- I designed a product that could fill a gaping hole in the market. - But thanks to the miracle of teamwork it turned into a product with no actual features. - In phase three I fantasized about my co-workers being eaten by squirrels.
010617 -- We found a bug in our software. - It searches your E-Mail address book for your mother's name. - Every Sunday it uses your E-Mail to send her a message... - ...comparing her face with various parts of animals. - Do you have any hard data that
010617 -- proves we should fix the bug? - We can't throw money at every problem. It's your mom. - YOU MISERABLE **%#@!!! - see what I mean? No. I get this call every day. *#%!*
010618 -- I told them you would be at the meeting on Monday morning. - What??? That means I have to travel all day Sunday. You're stealing my life! - Then he said he'd reschedule if I had social plans. Ouch
010619 -- We overbooked. But I can give you the co-pilot's seat if you know how to fly a 747. - Um...yeah, okay. I can fly a 747. - Should I do something? Beats me. I'm a chiropractor.
010620 -- The room costs five dollars per night. - The mini-bar has a a motion detector; you'll be charged three hundred dollars every time you get within eight feet of it. - It's going to be a long night.
010621 -- I'm not a loser who can't get a date. I'm a business traveler. - What's your girl-friend's name? I'll call her and check out your story. - Maybe I should order. Maybe you should.
010622 -- Give me $35 worth of food, including your 15% tip. - If I bring you a penne pasta, will you promise to not build a log cabin on your plate? - I can't promise that. Well then, we have a situation here.
010623 -- DOGBERT! I'M HO-O-OME! - I'll be right there. I have to sign the temp's sheet. - If you're ever interested in a permanent position, give me a call.
010624 -- GAAA! E-Mail is down! - Don't panic...think...how would the ancients handle this? - I've got combustible materials...I can start some sort of fire. - E-Mail is down...hold me. - I'll keep my arms straight out so I don't seem to eager. - This
010624 -- might be the least satisfying hug of my entire life. - E-Mail is working again. - So, do you want to have some coffee? Sure! I'll be doing my E-Mail. Just drop it off.
010625 -- Per marketing request, I did an O.R.D. for the B.G.G. that resulted in a O.R.B. - Then I discovered that marketing uses those acronyms for different things. Their version doesn't require nudity, just to pick one example.
010626 -- I've decided to become a perfectionist. - That way I'll have more reasons to hate people. - Your rock is eroding wrong.
010627 -- We're having a meeting to discuss employee retention. - Tell them that employees quit because there are too many useless meetings. - We won't be getting into reasons at the first meeting.
010628 -- We need to do more with less. - I propose that we work smarter while broadening our focus. - Wally, that doesn't mean anything. Well, excuse my leadership.
010629 -- Carol, I need you to fill in for our receptionist today. - Remember, you will be the face of our company, the first impression for visitors. - If anyone offers you food, don't eat it.
010630 -- Hey, come to this meeting, I need some bodies. - I don't want to be outnumbered by marketing. - Hi. He's on our side.
010701 -- I need your approval to buy a computer. Eh! Eh! - There's a freeze on the capital budget. Only our CEO can approve it. - Could you ask him to... Eh! Eh! - I don't want to be known as the guy who always asks for things. - Maybe you could assemble
010701 -- a computer from components that are each within my approval limit. - What's your approval limit? Ten dollars. - If you need me, I'll be in my cubicle, banging my head against the wall. - This is why I keep them in soft-walled containers. THUD
010701 -- THUD THUD
010702 -- I spend all day writing code for another company while it looks like I'm doing my job here. - Crime pays and it also has an excellent benefits package. - Are you eating my sandwich? I'm saving mine for dinner.
010703 -- Here's my cost estimate. I'll start the job on Monday. - When I say "Monday," I am referring to the service industry's space-time continuum. - I'm not supposed to show you this, but check out our calendar. No Mondays.
010704 -- My invention will let me search the service industry's space-time continuum. - Plumber, roofer, carpenter, electrician. - Weren't you supposed to fix my furnace in 1991? You're my next house.
010705 -- I got the roof off. I'll be back next week to finish. - What if it rains? Then I'll work indoors. - My house will be ruined. I can't control the weather.
010706 -- I hope it doesn't rain until my roof gets shingled. - Why don't you use your personal chaos-driven climate control apparatus to control the rain? - I...uh...don't have one. - You can use mine. Just reset the randomizer when you're done.
010707 -- I'm thinking about growing a unibrow. - - Maybe we should rethink our ban on work-related conversation during lunch. please
010708 -- They must be talking about the layoffs. - I'd like to be a fly on that wall. - POOF! - Great...the one time I get my wish... - Let's focus on our priorities and make rational budget decisions. - HA HA HA HA HA - Back to reality. I'll fire Ted;
010708 -- he creeps me out. Who else do we hate? - Hey, my donut is getting eaten by the world's ugliest fly! bonanza!
010709 -- You're understaffed and overworked. - So I hired a stress counselor and another manager to glare at you. - Relax...deep breaths...there...
010710 -- From now on I'll be managing by exception. - If I don't talk to you for months, assume you're doing a good job. - ...or that your project isn't important...or I don't remember your name.
010711 -- It needs to be so easy that your mother could use it. - My mother isn't a moron. Maybe we could use your mother as the test. - What makes you think my mother is a moron. She fed you.
010712 -- Frankly, the job is a real no-brainer. - Your resume is a blank piece of paper; I like a man who can be brief. - You're ruining my donut experience.
010713 -- I heard a rumor that there might be layoffs on Friday? Is this true? - Absolutely not. No way. Nope. Negatory. No, no, no, no, no. - Great. Can I take off Friday? Monday would be better.
010714 -- Layoff Planning Let's fire all the people who give us the creeps... - ...all the people with excessive nose hair and anyone who insists on being called "doctor." - You've got a five-minute meeting on Friday, Doctor Wolfington.
010715 -- ...and that way we'll save money on each unit we build. - Let's try that idea with our VP. - Wow. Great idea. Who thought of it. - Well, I have to admit... - It's one of my better ideas. - Must...control...fist of death. Sometimes I'll just be
010715 -- standing there... - Gaaa!! And pow! Something hits me. - Thank you. I tried to control it, but I couldn't.
010716 -- My life has no purpose. Scratch my back. - Are you saying the purpose of life is service to others? Okay. - It does make me feel useful. I think we both found something that works.
010717 -- Our lives are pathetic. We do nothing but eat, work and sleep. - Eat, work, sleep...eat, work, sleep...eat, work, sleep. - Great - I just finished lunch and you're making me hungry!
010718 -- If I use the speakerphone it will annoy my co-workers. - Luckily for me, I'm a sociopath. - Two things: You're a bit loud...and you're eating my lunch. It's delicious.
010719 -- PRESS ONE TO HEAR... Why are you using your speakerphone for voice-mail? - I mean, seriously, what is going through that socially defective brain of yours? - Would you like to have dinner? Yeah, why not.
010720 -- The Sociopath Tipping is optional so I never do it. - Um...have you eaten here before? - Here's some bread.
010721 -- You're a total sociopath, Ron. I like that in a man. - OH YES, RIFLE THROUGH MY PURSE! YES! YES! YES! - Call me? Sure. But you'd better wait by the phone; I only ring once.
010722 -- Yesterday I needed to ask Dilbert a question but I couldn't find him. - From now on, each of you must inform Carol of your whereabouts at all times. - I'll be wandering around with my coffee cup. - If I find a newspaper I'll take a break in
010722 -- marketing's luxurious  rest facilities. - Then I'll stop by the cute intern's cubicle to do some flirting. - I stand in her doorway so she can't escape. I think I'm making progress. - I'm becoming immune to pepper spray. - I cancelled your
010722 -- stupid policy.
010723 -- Mony, you're not growing into your job as quickly as I hoped. - So I signed you up for an accelerated evolution program. They pack a million years into a two-day class. - Hurry up! We've already lost the opposable thumbs module; let's not loose
010723 -- fire too.
010724 -- Evolution Training Some of you will not make it through the class. - May I move to a different seat? - Sure...ops. Problem solved. Carl, don't leave that where someone will slip on it.
010725 -- Evolution Training Zoltar is a graduate of this class. He will demonstrate speed evolving. - Unh...errr...hoo...ahh... - I hope you're staring at my new sideburns.
010726 -- By the end of my two-day evolution class I had one surviving student. - He's probably the cockies squirrel I've ever seen. Toward the end he weighed three thousand pounds. - If you asked me who's the unluckiest person in the world, I'd have to
010726 -- say it was the janitor.
010727 -- The company did well so you get a bonus despite the fact that you did no work all year. - I'd fire you but I can't replace you because there's a hiring freeze and I don't want to shrink my empire. - This might be a hand-shaking situation but I
010727 -- don't know where your hand has been. Off you go.
010728 -- I've been trapped in my office for three days! Didn't you hear me scream? - I used my staple remover to claw through the side wall! - Your door is a pull, not a push. Get me bigger staple remover just to be safe.
010729 -- The power supply in our product overheats. - I think they might burst into flames. - I'm no engineer but obviously it could level a whole city. - The military application is obvious. POW!! - How much do they cost? - Does ten million dollars
010729 -- sound too much? - For that kind of money I expect a free hammer! And a consulting job when I retire. - If an uninhabitated atoll doesn't blow up tomorrow you're in big trouble.
010730 -- The Angry Dumb Guy If anyone wants my opinion... - ...I'll beat it out of me! - I want your opinion. Oh yeah? Let's see if I have one!
010731 -- The exit Interview What would you say is your main reason for leaving? - I can't stand working for an unethical weasel. - Yep, personal problems. I'm glad that we collect this helpful data.
010801 -- Carol, order a new chair for me. The old one lost its new chair smell. - Can I have your old chair? My chair doesn't roll anymore. - I'll try to say this tactfully: you're not important enough to sit in my smelly chair.
010802 -- Teamwork is nature's way of identifying the weak. - The strong, such as myself, put all of our energy into perpetuating our genes. - Now this is when you usually try to put a negative spin on everything.
010803 -- Okay...I think we're done here. Lots of work to do. Busy, busy, busy. - I'll talk to you later. Have a nice day. Bye-bye. Thanks. - Looks like someone took root in your cubicle. Bye-bye.
010804 -- We've had a rash of thefts. Be on the lookout for anyone who acts suspicious. - Can we cut this meeting short? The posters in the break room got me all motivated! - THEN WHY ARE THEY THERE?!!
010805 -- Carol, take this list of key employees to Catbert. - I don't see my name on here. Should I write it in? - Um...no. You're not a key employee. - WHAT?! ARE YOU INSANE?!! IF *I'M* NOT KEY, WHO IS? - Do you think this list can walk to the
010805 -- H.R. department on its own? - Well, I could put it in an interoffice envelope and mail it. - Basically, you have the same job as an envelope. - Why do I need to downsize these employees? Because they're fun*key*, just like it says.
010806 -- How can you write reviews of movies you haven't seen? Easily. - "Throw away your Picasso paintings. 'Night of the Living Squirrel' is the only art you'll ever need." - How much is the studio paying you? Dang...too obvious.
010807 -- Hello...yes, I'd like to buy a rave review for my new movie. - Can you afford "suspenseful thrill ride" or would you like something more in the "delightful" price range. - I'm releasing it on New Year's day; can you give me a price for
010807 -- "Best comedy so far this year"?
010808 -- The Clean Desk Award goes to Wally. - Maybe Wally can share some tips on keeping our desks clutter-free. - I usually throw away this sort of thing in the men's room on the way back to the cubicle.
010809 -- Introducing "Morale Money." Now you can earn play money for doing good work. - You can use it at the company store to buy products that have our logo. - The coffee mug costs ten million morale dollars.
010810 -- May I have an ergonomic evaluation of my chair and keyboard? - Asok, work is supposed to hurt. That's how you know you're doing it right. - I can't feel my hands! My whole body is numb!
010811 -- The cure for carpal tunnel is to eat six bananas a day. - That's what I do and I have the hands of a teenager. - Do you have any data to support your medical advice? Does a huge pimple count?
010812 -- You need to give me a decision. - You need to give me more information. - You need to give me funding to do a study to get the information. - You need to give me a business case to justify the funding. - You need to give me relief from my
010812 -- other deadlines so I can work on the funding request. - You need to give me everything to infinity. - I WIN! YES!! - We might be losing our laser-like focus on the customer. On the who?
010813 -- Bob was working for you when he died. The family wants you to say something at his funeral. - I barely knew him. Maybe I can read something from his last performance review. - Bob needs to work on his communication skills...and attendance.
010814 -- Customer Service Find the serial number by pulverizing the case with a hammer. - Are you sure this won't void my warranty? - It's not always about you.
010815 -- I can analyze your employees' handwriting to find out who might steal. - Has handwriting analysis been tested in double-blind scientific studies? - Yes, but the scientists dotted their I's with smiley faces so I know they're liars. Wow!
010816 -- Handwriting Analysis Your handwriting proves that you're a disturbed loner who steals. What? - TAKE THIS THIEF AWAY! - Is this part absolutely necessary? Liberal.
010817 -- Catbert: Evil H.R. Director The average performance evaluation for your group is too high. - Do you want me to lower their ratings or their actual performance? Whatever. - This is starting to to affect my performance. Why? I'm not touching
010817 -- you.
010818 -- My powers of communication will inspire them to be better employees. - Gaaa!! He's using his powers of of communication against us! - Must work harder for no good reason. We're too late.
010819 -- I can't sleep. Would you tell me a story. - Once upon a time there was a pointy-haired monster. - He promised riches to the villagers if they could achieve his random objectives. - The villagers worked long but they were happy and
010819 -- optimistic. - Suddenly the evil monster cut their funding and hired the village idiot to be project manager. - And that is how the villagers got trapped in meetings for all eternity. The End. - WAAA!! WAAA!! WAAA!! - Rats cry when they
010819 -- hear about my life. It never pays to listen.
010820 -- Each of us must do his part to save energy. - ZZZZZ - I could build a tiny hydrogenerator for his drool.
010821 -- I'm tired of dating attractive men who are dumb and self-centered. - Maybe I can find an intelligent homely guy and clean him up. No!!! - Do you mind if I work in a set with those five-pounders? DON'T DO IT, AMBER!
010822 -- I made a list of all the ways you need to improve in order to keep dating me. - Lose forty pounds, new wardrobe, new haircut, new car, new odor... - But your dog is perfect. How'd that happen? When can you move in?
010823 -- We're such a mismatch that I doubt you'll ever improve yourself all the way to my level. - Maybe I could meet you in the middle by gaining thirty pounds and getting a terrible haircut. - ...knock out a few teeth, wear stained clothes, chew
010823 -- tobacco...
010824 -- I'm dating a beautiful woman. Do you have advice? - A beautiful woman is like a heap of fresh garbage: exciting, mysterious and delightful. - Do you have any advice that doesn't compare my girl-friend to garbage? How about compost?
010825 -- Do you mind if I turn off the lights to...um...save energy? I'm green with that. - Mmm...smooch smooch smooch smooch - I came down to meet your new girlfriend but now I think it'll be awkward.
010826 -- Ooh! Ooh! I know how to solve our problem! Not so fast, Asok. - This isn't the solution meeting. This is the process meeting. - Our goal is to develop a process for generating ideas how to solve the problem. - We don't know how to develop
010826 -- processes. Someone should have a meeting about that. - Someone like...a cross-disciplinary swat team in an offsite lockup meeting. - Hmm...good idea. I guess this meeting is over. - You see, Asok. You can only thwart a meeting by inventing
010826 -- other meetings to act as a firewall.. - Asok, I'm putting you on a cross-disciplinary swat team.
010827 -- My performance exceeds expectations but my pay is based on market averages. - I figure some underachievers are getting the extra money that I earn. - Give me their names so I can go get my money. It's Wally.
010828 -- First, we'll lower costs by offering a retirement package that induces all the smart employees to leave. - Then we'll rewrite our mission statement to make it fit better. - Our new mission statement is, "if you can read this you should
010828 -- have retired by now." Ouch.
010829 -- I've agreed to be in the dunking tank for this year's united charity day. - BONK!! - I don't like lines.
010830 -- I was here all night. Is it okay if I take tomorrow as a comp day? - According to our security video you slept all night on a pile of debris in your cubicle. - Is it just me or is this conversation jumping all over the place?
010831 -- PARTS We don't give out parts anymore. - We're trying to end the vicious circle of reordering. - Would you mind filling out a brief survey of customer satisfaction?
010901 -- I'd like t make a gradual shift out of engineering and into something more administrative. - For example, I could write reports that tell other people how to do their jobs better. - Then I could gradually shift out of writing reports and into
010901 -- something more vegetative.
010902 -- Alice, meet our new sales manager. - He's a pigboy who makes inappropriate comments every five minutes. - Somehow he slipped through our rigorous employment screening process. - Whoa! His five minutes are up. So, Alice. - Inappropriate comment
010902 -- deleted - That was very clever. Now let me try one. - Inappropriate comment deleted - How did you learn to swear like that? I used to date a one-eyed carpenter.
010903 -- ...effective immediately. YES! - AH-OOGA! WOO-HOO! - We can male the severance packages less generous.
010904 -- Profits are down. Our senior management blames the weak economy. - So they're saying that projects went*up* because of great management and *down* because of a weak economy? - These meetings will go faster if you stop putting things in context.
010904 -- sorry.
010905 -- I'm pleased to report that I had no problems this week. - I only had issues, opportunities, challenges and valuable learning experiences. - Did you do any work? It didn't seem necessary.
010906 -- My keyboard is broken. It only types asterisks for passwords. - Dogbert's Tech Support - Try changing your password to five asterisks. - I hope I can remember it.
010907 -- Is there more to life than just working? - Yes, there's also the complaining about work. The nightly periods of unconsciousness and sweet, sweet death. - Maybe I should have kids. To share the joy?
010908 -- Alice, you have to learn how to to take risks. - You mean like quitting this putrid company and going to work someplace better? - Why doesn't anyone understand anything I say? Three o'clock.
010909 -- Do you want to join the lottery pool? No. - No rational person would put money on a billion-to-one longshot. - You will. No, I won't. - I'll bet a hundred dollar that you will. - You're on. - If you don't join the pool, and we win, I will come
010909 -- to your putrid cubicle and do this dance... - Ay-yi-yi, hoo-wah-hoo! I'm filthy rich and you're a loser! HOO-AH HOO-AH!! - Who won the $100 Dilbert pool? Whoever picked thirty seconds.
010910 -- All of our data is grossly inaccurate...but I need data in order to manage. - If I concentrate hard enough I can forget that the data is bad, then I can use it. - I have to give him credit; managing is harder than it looks.
010911 -- I'm being moved to the magic portal, cubicle 45750R! - Everyone who sits in the magic portal gets a better job within six months! - There isn't a cubicle 45750R, is there? The first of layoffs are always the cruelest.
010912 -- Ed, I want you to crosstrain Asok on the accounting system. - And don't worry that you'll lose respect and job security if Asok learns your whole job in one day. - I don't think "accounts receivable" is an expense. No one has complained yet.
010913 -- Your accounting system is so dysfunctional that the results are meaningless. - How is it possible that no one has noticed? I've always wondered about that. - My payroll expenses are zero again. I'm a management genius.
010914 -- We've negotiated this contract for six weeks and today you double your delivery time? - I can't tell if you're an incredibly devious weasel or simply incompetent. Here's a clue. - poink
010915 -- Hey, we negotiated this deal in English but your contract is incomprehensible weaseleze! - My only choices are to sign something I don't understand or get my lawyer involved and miss my deadline! - Ha! Now you're going to heck! Are you hassling
010915 -- my frat brother?
010916 -- Do you want to hear what I'm doing at work? Not so much. - You're supposed to act interested because you're my mother. Well... - I'm not saying you're boring, it's just that everything you talk about is boring. - That's the same as saying I'm
010916 -- boring. Only when you talk. - But you care about me, right? When I hurt, you hurt? - Actually, the electrical impulses in your brain don't fly across the air gap to my brain. - You could be writhing in agony and I wouldn't feel a thing. - Ouch.
010916 -- Air gap.
010917 -- The job market is getting worse every day! Excellent! - Employees will be afraid. Our power to abuse them grows stronger by the minute! - HA HA! STOP DOING THE "EVIL DANCE"! YOU'RE KILLING ME!
010918 -- How's the ol' job market lately? It's pretty bad, isn't it? - So no matter how hard I make you work it's still better than being unemployed. - Who's your leader? Go on, say it. you are.
010919 -- Dogbert Consults It's easy to create a strategy. - Write down everything you do, preceded by the phrase, "increase our market share by..." - What if we change what we do? Call me and I'll sell you some more valuable advice.
010920 -- Could you turn off the music? I can't concentrate. - How about if I turn it down to a level where it still drives you nuts but you're too shy to complain a second time? - Thank you. It might creep up over time.
010921 -- Asok, you're coming with me to an important meeting across the bridge. Important! - My hard work as an intern is paying off. Already I am invited to an important meeting! - Hey, we get the carpool lane!
010922 -- What do you guys think about my new haircut? - It's a gargantuan mistake that will ruin your life. Frighten children and bruise fruit. - I'm all froze up! No one ever asked for my opinion before!
010923 -- I've created a schematic of office politics in my company. Nicely done. - Let's say I want to ruin Ted's career... - I could say bad things to Tina about Ted. Tina carpools with Ming and Ming takes yoga classes with Carol. - And Carol is a
010923 -- secretary for Ted's boss, so Ted would be history. - Of course it wouldn't be ethical to test the system. Unless... - ...you use the Phil-Alice-Larry circuit to get Ted rehired. Yup yup. - ...and that's why Ted is worthless. Hey, where's Phil?
010923 -- He quit. - Why do I listen to you? Because of a little thing I call charisma.
010924 -- Look, I have three computers in the house. All three simultaneously lost E-Mail but not Web function. - That means the problem is in your E-Mail service. Can you grasp that concept? - Okay, I'm re-entering my account information...hey, guess
010924 -- what? That didn't work either.
010925 -- I need a brilliant employee to be my assistant manager. - That's why I came to you. - That's the first nice thing... Your job is to clone me.
010926 -- Our pointy-haired boss asked me to clone him. - What if his clone has no soul? - If? If?
010927 -- Yes, the technology to clone you exists, but it's illegal to clone humans. - If the cops find out, we can frame my clone for the crime. - That is so wrong. - Why? He'd do the same thing to me!
010928 -- My boss asked me to clone him. Is that ethical? - You'll either create a soulless abomination or, if the clone is normal, you will have shown that souls are irrelevant. - What if the original is already a soulless abomination? You can borrow my
010928 -- cloner. It's in the truck.
010929 -- Cloning the Boss Will this hurt? - I hope so. - We heard it might hurt. May I push the button?
010930 -- Uh-oh...slow-walking women. - I can't squeeze around. - I'll make footstep noise so they'll notice and move. stomp stomp stomp - It didn't work. They're oblivious slow-walking women! - Time stands still as I wait to take my next step. - Oh
010930 -- no...it's a pair of oblivious slow-walking women. - I'll throw you over the top- Then you open the side door so I can go around. - Third one today. Weird.
011001 -- Cloning the Boss? There's a problem with your clone. - Wally spilled soda on the DNA module. Your clone is one-half horse posterior. - And one half that isn't like you.
011002 -- I'm a clone of your boss? - The procedure didn't exactly work. So you're not so much a human being as you are a... - God? Knickknack.
011003 -- You've got to implement a six sigma program or else you're doomed. - Aren't you the same consultant who sold us the worthless TQM program a few years ago? - I assure you that those program has a totally, totally different name. When can we
011003 -- start?
011004 -- Six Sigma Consult Every company that used my six sigma program increased profits. - ...except for the ones that were in industry downturns... - ...or flat growth industries...or industries that only upturned a little bit.
011005 -- Six Sigma Consult All of you are selfish and diwitted but don't worry. - I'll teach you a process that will bog you down in meetings so you can't hurt anything. - I can't move my arms! zzz zzz zzz zzz
011006 -- Six Sigma Consult The first step is to identify your problems. - We don't have any problems. What's the second step? - Mus...control...fist. I hope someone gives me a belt.
011007 -- Happy service anniversary, Alice. - We're out of twenty-year pins so I got twenty of the one-year pins. - You can pin these babies all over you blouse...or fishing hat if you prefer. - The card says, "to Kathy" but it was never opened. For some
011007 -- reason she quit the day she got her twenty pins. - Incidentally, I have to charge you $262 for the pins. The company doesn't pay for them. - First of all, I've only worked here for about six years... - Wow, you look older. Anyway, just give me
011007 -- the $262 and throw away eight pins and we'll call it good. - Why are you rolling up your sleeve? Are you going to pin them to your arm?
011008 -- Our CEO has voluntarily slashed his pay from six million per year to four. - In a written statement he said he wants to, "share the pain." - Do you feel better now? I make my own underpants from sandwich bags.
011009 -- Maybe I should become a teacher so I can educate the leaders of tomorrow. - Maybe you should educate the morons of tomorrow so they'll stop believing the leaders of tomorrow. - Maybe I'll just eat this donut and go to work. Do you have any more
011009 --dreams I can crush?
011010 -- Catbert: Evil H.R. Director Contractors are not allowed to breathe company air, Carl. - This air is for employees only. You need to supply your own air. - Mmmb bmf rmn Hmr! Does anyone understand Carl? Hey! He's using our light!
011011 -- Carl, you're only a contractor. You have to stop using company resources. - Mmn nph hbm mrm! Yes, I know you bring your own air, but you still use our gravity. - Fbm gmp rkr! If it's not too much to ask, could you hover?
011012 -- Anne L. Retentive Anne, I'm going to task you with a deliverable. - GAAA!! TASK IS NOT A VERB!! MY WORLD IS FALLING APART! - Tomorrow I'll ask her to timeline her project.
011013 -- We have discovered the cause of our network outages. LAN - Some idiot is using our network room for meetings and unplugging the server because it is too noisy. - A server is like a waitress, right? Yeah, a noisy one.
011014 -- Carol, if anyone calls, say I'm in a meeting. - What meeting? It doesn't matter. - RRRING #*!*/ vague instructions. - He's at his weekly meeting of "morons anonymous." - It's a long meeting, they usually get into an argument about the
011014 -- definition of "anonymous." - Half of them think it means "angry." then someone throws a chair and its pandemonium. - The whole thing usually ends with a shoe-sniffing contest. - Your mom called.
011015 -- I'd be a good stock market expert. - I'd buy  stocks and then go on TV and recommend them so they go up. - What about the fundamentals? It doesn't get more fundamental than that!
011016 -- Stock Market Expert Clip this microphone to your fur. We're live in two. - Make sure my tail is off camera. I'll be recommending stocks I own and that sort of thing makes me wag. - Someday I gotta get honest work.
011017 -- Stock Market Expert ...everyone should buy stock in that company. Sell your house if necessary. - Should we worry that the P/E is 900, your track record is terrible and you only recommend stocks you own? - Well, Ron, as you can see from the
011017 -- one-week chart, this stock only goes up. BUY! BUY!
011018 -- Stock Market Expert If your core holding is a falling knife, you can dollar cost average through the dead cat bounce. - My secret economic model says you should change your cash allocation from 12.4% to 12.3% - My new book is, "if you aren't
011018 -- churning, you aren't learning.  Don't come back.
011019 -- We need to have an all-company meeting to talk about the layoffs. - You might get some hostile questions owing to the fact that they found out about the layoffs by reading the newspaper. - No, I've never noticed that I leave a trail of reeking
011019 -- slime wherever I slither.
011020 -- I'll take two more questions about the layoffs...yes, you in the back. - And I'd appreciate it if this question didn't involve my odor, my DNA, or any comparisons to rodents, snakes or weasels. - Never mind.
011021 -- Bad news. - The employees figured out that they won't get raises next year because profits are in the dumps. - And they're being rational about it. - We are free from the tyranny of having to work hard for raises. Ooh-yah! - But there's a
011021 -- delicate balance because we don't want to be downsized. - I figure we can either have attitudes or bad performance but not both. - I think I'll try having a bad attitude. I'm a bad performance man myself. - I just realized that my entire job
011021 -- can be done by guessing. Hey, dip-weed.
011022 -- Ask the trolls in accounting to explain this charge. GAA! - Please don't make me talk to the trolls during budget season! - Next
011023 -- Accounting Trolls I need an explanation for these numbers. - This is budget season so I will spit on your data and send you away. - That doesn't sound too bad. Our bodies are 95% made of spit.
011024 -- Accounting Trolls Go ahead, Larry. Spit on his data. - PTOO!! - Can I give you a little tour of our department?
011025 -- Tour of accounting Over here we have our random number generator. - Nine nine nine nine nine nine - Are you sure that's random? That's the problem with randomness: you can never be sure.
011026 -- Were you always a troll? No, this happened when I came to accounting. - First my hair fell out. Then I stopped going to the gym. - You have horns and a tail. When I realized I had a look going I just went for for it.
011027 -- So, if all trolls were once people, that means some people are already changing and don't know it. Exactly. - This is the list of people we're waiting for. - I KNOW SOMETHING YOU DON'T KNOW. I think I'm getting pimples on my head.
011028 -- I'm a director of human resources. - So naturally I have to keep up the appearance of being evil. - But if you find it difficult to do evil things? - No, I like that part of the job. Stop jumping ahead, Hag. - My problem is that anytime I see a
011029 -- tiny object fall on the floor, I jump on it and eat it. - Sometime I'm not even hungry and I know it's just a piece of debris but I can't stop myself. - Oops...I misspelled psycho. NO! NOT ERASER DEBRIS! - Who's a hag? #*!! @$& quack
011030 -- Then I noticed that the circuit design looked like a bug. I was going to mention it but then I didn't. - I'M PSYCHIC! - Unless you're saying out loud every thought that crosses your mind. It's called conversation.
011031 -- Asok, I want you to work for the evil director of human resources until his assistant recovers. - From what is he recovering? Is it a cold or perhaps a flu? - He saw so much evil that his soul dissolved and he became a winged demon.
011101 -- Catbert: Evil H.R. Director We're almost out of kitty litter. - Gather all the resumes we got this week and run them through the shredder. - Shouldn't we be matching these with our openings? - That's what we're doing.
011102 -- Asok Works in H.R. Asok, I want you to handle all the  harassment complaints. - And as I left the room I could feel Alice's eyes checking out my caboose. - So...you have psychic powers? My eyes are up here, pal.
011103 -- Asok Works in H.R. If we eliminate vacation days and increase sick days... - Would the employees fall for our trap and make themselves sick to get days off? What?!! - You're in h.r. now. It's okay to be evil.  Evil, right.
011104 -- Alice, may I have a word with you? - You're not spending enough time in your cubicle. - It looks as if our department isn't productive. - But...I can't do my job from my cubicle. - You have to set priorities. Looking productive is very
011104 -- important to this department. - Will I get a big raise for looking busy while my projects flounder? - You won't get a big raise either way. - GAAA!!! Here's a blank piece to carry back to your cubicle.
011105 -- We should add this feature to our product to make it more useful. - Are you telling me that not ONE person on earth will use our product without that feature?!! - You changed what I said into a bizarre absolute. Oh, I change EVERYTHING you
011105 -- say?!
011106 -- I signed up for a yoga class. - They say it will help me achieve harmony and balance. - Failing at that, I plan to stare at stretchy women.
011107 -- I've lost two pounds since I signed up for yoga class. - And I never get sick anymore. You haven't had a class yet. - Maybe I'm some sort of yoga prodigy.
011108 -- Wally looks different. - He changed when he started yoga classes. - All I'm saying is that it might not be a "yoga" class. Suspicious you are.
011109 -- We're going to have a "town hall" meeting to improve communication. - But it's not in an actual town hall. And I'll have questions in advance, so it's not a meeting per se. - Who do we give our questions to? I think you'll find that it doesn't
011109 -- matter.
011110 -- Asok, you are the winner of a prestigious award for attendance. - My name is misspelled...as an obscenity. - Typo. Typo? You added four letters!!
011111 -- Ted, I have to downsize you. - Was I doing a bad job? - No, it's more complicated than that. - Is my essential function being eliminated. - No, the problem is that someone in marketing spent too much for a trade show booth. - So every manager
011111 -- had to submit a list of potential cost reductions. - I might have accidentally sent the department phone list as an E-Mail attachment. - There are lots of whiners in "A" through "M." *%!!*@
011112 -- Our CEO's goal is to improve our revenue per employee. So I'm going to fire you and bring you back as a contractor. - Last week his goal was to reduce the number of contractors. So you cancelled my contract and hired me as an employee. - Well,
011112 -- it looks like someone doesn't like having his cheese moved.
011113 -- Your psychological profile test results are excellent. Can you start Monday? - Monday is fine. I'll read the employee handbook over the weekend. Thank you very much. - The "gentle biker" look is overdone. I'm going for "psycho hillbilly."
011114 -- GAAA!! Hi. It's a pleasure to meet you. - You look like a psycho hillbilly. Thank you very much. - We network design engineers like to dress with a theme. May I call you crazy old coot?
011115 -- I used to be preppy. Then I was a dangerous-looking biker with a heart of gold. - I call my current look the "psycho hillbilly." What's your theme. - This isn't a theme. Oh...sorry, man, I had no way of knowing.
011116 -- I plan to use my raise to move from my home in the handicapped stall to a storage facility. - If you are trying to think of a housewarming gift, I wouldn't say no to a flashlight. - If you need help moving, don't hesitate to call Alice. You are
011116 -- too kind.
011117 -- May I have a day off to move my home? One hour. - What? Why only one hour? I like to negotiate. - I guess I can try doing it in one hour. And you can't use a vehicle.
011118 -- Tina, you didn't use the approved corporate font. - Our corporate communications department says we have to use the Danville font. - No problem. I'll buy the Danville font software today. - There's a budget freeze on software purchases. -
011118 -- So...the Danville font is both mandatory and prohibited? - Remind me to ding you for negativity on your next evaluation. - I think I'll do some binge eating and non-stop sobbing at my cubicle now. - Unless that's prohibited too. No eating in
011118 -- cubicles.
011119 -- Dilbert, you're going to Elbonia to shut down our Elbonian mud delivery business. - Meanwhile, I'll tell our stockholders that we expect the mud delivery business to make huge profits. - Um...is this illegal? There's no law against optimism! I
011119 -- checked.
011120 -- I'm supposed to shut down our Elbonian mud delivery business. - But I'm a highly trained engineer so I will analyze their business model and fix it. - They deliver mud to people who live in mud. You have my attention.
011121 -- In Elbonia Can anyone tell me why your mud delivery business is failing? Anyone? - Is it because of the general economic slowdown? Dot-com meltdown? - And maybe because you sell mud to people who live in mud? What if we call it fudge?
011122 -- In Elbonia Our business plan was to sell mud to people who live in mud. - Later we shrewdly expanded our offerings to include pet grooming and lingerie. - Frankly, I blame our ad agency for what happened next.
011123 -- In Elbonia We manufacture our mud using bottled water and bags of fertile soil. - There's a huge demand in my country for bottled water and bags of soil. - Is anyone selling bottled air to you morons yet?
011124 -- In Elbonia I'm authorized to give each of you one dollar of severance pay. - WE'RE RICH!!! - How much were we paying you? Nothing. We were entirely motivated by slogans.
011125 -- I'm happy to announce that we're being acquired by a foreign company. - Don't worry that they'll dominate us. This will be a merger of equals. - Expect that they make money and we don't. - And their CEO will lead the combined company. - And
011125 -- every one of them is a giant. - And they've developed their latent psychic abilities so they can cause pain from a distance. - GAAA!! I'M SORRY I SAID TOO MUCH! YOU ARE MY MASTER!! - Are you worried? Nah. If they read my mind, they'll all go
011125 -- blind.
011126 -- I'm going to start an airline that has no planes. - I'll take people's money and make them sit in a crowded room while ex-cons steal from their luggage. - What happens when your customers realize you have no airplanes? I call that "mechanical
011126 -- difficulties."
011127 -- Dogbert Airlines I've been waiting for 35 hours. Are you sure my flight exists? - According to my computer your flight is delayed by weather. - What kind of weather? Our planes can't handle direct sunlight.
011128 -- Dogbert Airlines Attention travelers! Our hub at the south pole is experiencing permafrost. - Please form a primitive society and live in the terminal forever. - The good news is that you'll earn six "Dogbert Miles" that can be used on the
011128 -- 35th of every month.
011129 -- Congressional Hearings Your airline is accused of providing inhumane service. How do you respond? - Sometimes I wag and sometimes I hold up my paw and say, "Bah!" BAH! - You're not allowed to say Bah. Take it back. hab
011130 -- Okay, let me think aloud for a minute. - The cost will be $3000...loosing focus...monkeys are funny...my tongue is digesting in my mouth. - That didn't help as much as I had hoped.
011201 -- I'm fired?!! Now I can't pay my rent! - Would it be okay if I lived here in my cubicle? I don't see why not. - Can I have fires and become a cannibal? Well, I might regret this later...
011202 -- When should we do the layoffs? - Experts say that Friday is the cruelest day of the week to fire people. - So let's do it Friday. - Friday is our employee appreciation day. - AH-AH AH-WOOO!!! - What was that? You don't want to know. -
011202 -- Congratulations on being named employee of the month. - Now...you know how some months are shorter than others? AH-AH WOOO!!
011203 -- My accomplishments for the week include scheduling a meeting. - But some people were using the conference room so we milled around and gave up. - You could have used another room. What part of "gave up" is confusing you?
011204 -- Carol, reserve the conference room every day for the next year in case I need it. - You're too late. Some other sociopath had the idea and beat you to it. - I hate being the slowest sociopath.
011205 -- I can teach you to manage your time more efficiently. - Put all of your high priorities on one list and your low priorities on another. - Then do everything on both lists even if it kills you, otherwise you're a freakin' loser.
011206 -- Thank you, but I can only accept gifts under $25. How much is this? $26. - Well, thanks anyway. Rules are rules. - You're very nice for a salesperson. But how much is this worth? $26. Why?
011207 -- The great thing about free speech is that I can criticize the government. I'd fire you. - I mean outside of work. I'd fire you for that too. - May I express enjoyment of my pastry? Sure. It's a free country.
011208 -- You need to hire people who won't be a threat to you. - The Dogbert Recruitment Agency specializes  in the placement of clueless people with bad hair. - I don't know...they still look threatening. Perhaps I can interest you in our cadaver
011208 -- program.
011209 -- I call it the teamwork football. - Each of you will carry the ball with you for one day to symbolize your commitment to teamwork. - Who wants to be first? - Not me. I have a meeting with customers today. - I'm on vacation. I only came in for
011209 -- coffee. - Not in a trillion years. - Maybe you could keep it in your desk drawer to symbolize our commitment to teamwork. - I should have used a golf ball.
011210 -- We've hired the world's most innovative design firm. - We'll observe their successful methods and steal them for our own. Heh heh heh. - Maybe their secret is hiring smart people. I'm hoping it involves easels.
011211 -- Creativity Exercise Team one made a device that converts air to electricity. - Team two used their hour to create a missile defense layer. clap clap - Team three, do you need more time? It's a scissors holder!
011212 -- Everyone grab an odd-shaped piece of foam and sit down. - We'll continue the design process by pointing to these brainstorm notes and making insightful observations. - The notes are all yellow. Sweet jeepers!!! You're all engineers!
011213 -- Creative Design Each team has one hour and build a mock-up using these common materials. - Question: doesn't this sort of exercise usually get dominated by the worst team member? - Don't worry. We can just ignore Alice's suggestions.
011214 -- Our copier is broken. May I use yours? Only if you use our own paper. - I just need one copy and my office is about a mile away. Don't make me unleash the hound. - That's a hound? Technically he's a web designer in a tight labor market.
011215 -- Who called this meeting? We thought you did. - I think we should discuss issues and assign tasks so it's not a complete waste of time. - Maybe meetings have become a lifeform capable of calling themselves and thus reproducing via human hosts.
011215 -- good issue. wow!
011216 -- Is it okay if I work from home one day a week? - How would I know you were working? - How do you know I'm working when I'm *here*? - When you're here I know you're unhappy and that's the same thing as work. - What if I invent a hideously
011216 -- uncomfortable hat to wear when I'm working at home? - Well...that might be okay. - But it has to be extremely uncomfortable or else it isn't work. - Hee hee! The joke's on him - it isn't that uncomfortable.
011217 -- I'm signing up volunteers to serve food on the homeless on Christmas day. - How do you know in advance that they'll be extra hungry on that one day? - Our P.R. firm makes sure they don't get fed for two days before the news crews arrive.
011218 -- According to this survey the compensation here is "competitive." - Competitive means not the highest. So we could get paid more if we worked at another company? - Should we continue working as hard as we can or should we back off to a more
011218 -- competitive level?
011219 -- Wally, you have failed to achieve any of your written objectives. - But by pure chance you achieved all of my hidden objectives. - Here's another project I need smothered with defectiveness. I'm all over it.
011220 -- I want to move you another cubicle but my office moving budget is shot. - So I'm going to transfer you to Elbonia and then back so I can use the relocation budget. - He says the relocation budget is shot you can mail yourself home.
011221 -- I'm starting a petition to end war. Do you want in on this. - Who are you going to give it to? Say what? - I was hoping to sell it. I'll sign it for a dollar.
011222 -- Bob, I hold in my hands the most important document ever created. - It's a signed petition to end war. I expect to win the Nobel peace prize for this. - May I have a sip of that? Trade ya.
011223 -- Alice, you need to use your vacation time before the end of the year. - I don't have time. I need to finish my project. - I'm sure that a highly trained engineer like you can find a solution. - Well...I could say I'm on vacation and come to
011223 -- work as usual. - No. I can't count it as vacation unless you're not in the building. - Okay...I could take home my computer and work there. - No...you're not allowed to access our network remotely. - *!f#% worst vacation ever...
011224 -- Sometimes I feel guilty that I'm not doing enough  to enhance stockholder value. - Do you ever feel that way? GLUG GLUG GLUG - I'll take that as a no.
011225 -- Dude, why haven't you answered my E-Mail? - Your message was so poorly written that I didn't understand it and I didn't dare to start a dialogue. - Maybe I should have a talk with your boss. Maybe you should E-Mail him.
011226 -- I need your approval for this expense. The equipment is already here and installed. - I left out the description because you wouldn't understand it anyway. - There's a fine line between managing and being totally useless. Luckily it looks the
011226 -- same.
011227 -- If you give a man a fish he will eat for a day. - But if you teach a man to fish he will buy an ugly hat. - And if you talk about fish to a starving man then you're a consultant.
011228 -- Alice, I just sent you an e-mail. - Here's a copy of my message but I'll just tell you what it says. - It says I sent you a voice mail telling you to look for a fax that says I want to talk to you.
011229 -- Alice. All of your hard work-the nights and the weekends - are finally paying off. - We increased our five-year forecast of demand by ten percent! - You changed a wild guess by ten percent? Thanks to you!
011230 -- Dilbert, take care of this. It's urgent. - I can't read your handwriting. What does it say? - I don't have time to answer your questions. - Don't try to call me. I don't return calls. - If you come to my office, I'll be away - And then, like a bad odor on a windy day, the phantom manager vanished. - I think it says. "Floog smort olak munta hawthnort." - What does it mean? I think it involves monkeys and duct tape.
011231 -- Carol, I want you to help me put together a morale boosting event. - Great idea. And after that maybe I can do CPR on a mummy and see if I can save it's life. - Do you hear what I'm saying? Our first meeting will be Tuesdays.
020101 -- Dilbert, I want you to put together the winning bid for this contract. - No problem. I'll just read the minds of our competitors and bid lower. - I'm picking up something now...but it's partly blocked by a dense mass.
020102 -- I need your close estimates for my bid proposal.  A billion dollars. - That sounds high for administrative overhead. If you already know the cost, why ask me? - You'll make us lose the bid. I like to think of it as winning less work.
020103 -- I gathered all the padded cost estimates from the liars and scoundrels I'm ashamed to call co-workers. - That's okay. I usually ignore our cost estimates and make bid proposals that I think will win. - I gather inaccurate data for a living.
020103 -- Luckily no one uses it. Your glass is half full.
020104 -- The winner of our "Name the Restrooms" contest is Alice... - ...for her suggestion of "goddesses" and "morons." - You're right; I was the only one who would enter that ridiculous contest.
020105 -- Sorry I'm late. - I left my mission statement paperweight in the sun and it set my cubicle on fire. - I tried to douse it using my "We are Quality" mug but the handle broke and I got shards.
020106 -- The project got off to a slow start. - First we had the reorganization. - Then the merger. And the layoffs. - Budget freeze. Office relocation. - New CEO. New consultants. New strategy. - Eventually the whole industry changed and the
020106 -- opportunity evaporated. - So we classified our unused budget as "savings" and gave everyone a shirt. - You said you'd show us your "best practices." What are you implying?
020107 -- Your project is cancelled. You'll be downsized in ninety days. - Until then, feel free to wander around like a zombie. - I walk among them but I am not one of them.
020108 -- Here are some projects to finish before your last day. - But...I'll have to interact with people who know I've been downsized. Hee hee! - I'll get this information to you right away. Is ninety days soon enough?
020109 -- I'm unemployed and I drive an electric car. - These are my abs. I talk too much about myself and I'm not romantic. - I realize it's a long shot but does any of that turn you on?
020110 -- Do you think I should grow a beard while I'm unemployed? - That's a great idea. A beard sends a message about who you are. - Um...okay. I assume you already have a shopping cart and filthy rags.
020111 -- Maybe I'll take a job as a waiter until I can get a job as an engineer. - You're not qualified to wait on tables. how hard could it be? - The manager is over there slapping a drunk.
020112 -- Hi. I came to apply for a server job. - Okay. Tell me how you would handle an abusive drunken customer like this guy. - Um...with kindness? You might want to shield yourself with a tablecloth.
020113 -- Alice, I'm naming you to our company's "Engineer of the Year." - You'll fly to New York and receive a trophy with the winners from other companies. - I'm too busy. Name someone else. - That's a critical time for my project. - I'm flattered but I
020113 -- already have no time for sleeping or bathing. - I have a sick day scheduled for that Friday. - Carol, I need you to go to New York and pretend to be an engineer. - Why yes, most of us *are* really from marketing. How can you tell?
020114 -- I'll be your server tonight...whoa, you're beautiful. - Would your grandfather mind if I asked you out? He's my husband. - Moving right along, would you like to hear about our specials?
020115 -- I got fired from my job at the restaurant. - Every time I carried hot soup my thumb would slip in and I'd scream and spray the whole dining room. - I blame the soup. Stupid soup.
020116 -- We can hire you back but not at your old job. - That's okay. I'll do anything but sales. I would be the worst salesperson on earth. It's sales. - Did I just say worst when I meant best? We'll have to train you to lie better.
020117 -- Sales Training A trained salesperson can sell anything to anyone. - I will prove it by selling this roadkill to one of you for a thousand dollars. - Um...how was your class? I got a hat!
020118 -- Sales Training Don't act like you're selling something. - A good sale is like a good wedgie: your victim shouldn't see it coming. - For this demonstration I need a volunteer who can't see what's coming.
020119 -- Sales Training Never sell to your customer. Make your customer sell to you. - Our products are only for those who dare to be great! Make the customer explain why he is worthy. - What did you just call me? You hear me, goober. Now beg for our
020119 -- product.
020120 -- I'm moving to a new house next week. - I have lots of heavy objects that need to be moved. - I wonder who will help me. - Maybe it will be someone who cares about his career. - Did you know that professional moving companies exist? - It's
020120 -- true. You give them money and they move your heavy things. - It's a wonderful system. You should look into it. - And maybe you can bring your trailer. IT'S A MOBILE HOME!
020121 -- Dilbert the Sales Guy I'll talk to you every day to see if you change your mind. - Don't talk to me every day. You might change your mind. - Did you know that if you cross "sales" with "talk" you get "stalk"?
020122 -- Dilbert the Sales Guy I wouldn't buy this @*#!%!!$ with *your* money. - It's overpriced, hard to use, full of bugs and it solves no problem. - I spit on your packaging! Um...Mom...
020123 -- Dilbert the Sales Guy Here's my card. None of the information is correct. - Why don't you get new ones? That costs money. - You must have a lot of clout in your company. Shut up and buy something.
020124 -- Please, I beg you, transfer me back to engineering. - I'll take a pay cut. No, I'll work for free. No, I'll pay *you*. - I should make all of my engineers work in sales for a while. You come back more appreciative.
020125 -- Hi. My name is Michael T. Suit. All my friends call me M.T. - I enhance core competencies by leveraging platforms. - Did we shake yet? Sometimes I can't tell.
020126 -- Hi, I'm M.T. Suit. I'm a man without substance. - I compensate by using buzzwords and attending meetings. - I like his style. We need to sell solutions, not products!
020127 -- The ad campaign was a huge, huge success! Wow! - Define "huge, huge success." How much did sales increase? - We don't track those numbers.  But I know the ad created a huge buzz because of all the E-Mail I got the next day. - How many messages
020127 -- did you get? - Six. But that's a lot for one topic. Wow! Six! - How many of the six were from your own employees? - Who invited the engineer? I thought he was with you.
020128 -- Wally, I have to downsize you as soon as you finish your project. - I trust that your professionalism will prevent you from delaying unnecessary. - I promise that my timeliness will be surpassed only by my passion for quality.
020129 -- I hired a manhater to be your supervisor. Why? - Frankly, I'm kinda turned on by angry women in pantsuits. - She's decisive. I like that.
020130 -- Man-Hating Supervisor I'm putting Alice in charge of the project. - And Willy or Walther here can drink coffee until he grows into a fly. - I can't figure out why she's being so nice to me.
020131 -- Man-Hating Supervisor Have any of you men done anything to justify your pay? - I attended an all-day meeting but later found out I was in the wrong one. - Actually, you're not supposed to be in this meeting either. The door was open.
020201 -- Man-Hating Supervisor You're fired for being a man. - No one has ever called me a man before! This is the happiest day of my life! - STOP ENJOYING LIFE!! I'M A *MAN*!
020202 -- Man-Hating Supervisor The men here are oblivious to my abuse. What did you do to them? - I siphoned off their self-respect and keep it in vials in a storage room. - This is no fun. I quit. Do you want to yell at the vials with me?
020203 -- Due to budget constraints, the company will no longer provide free soda. - What free soda? We never had free soda. - Sure we did. It was in the refrigerator in the break room. - Every day I'd go in there and get a refreshing beverage. - The
020203 -- next morning, as if by magic, the soda would be replenished. - I brought a soda to work every day for five years only to have it stolen from the refrigerator every time. - - Why didn't you just drink the free ones?
020204 -- Dogbert Tech Support Your software is worn out. You must be typing too hard. - Switch to decaf, paint your walls pink and stop going to the gym. - I've never heard of holistic tech support. Maybe you should read more.
020205 -- Hello, this is Dogbert's all-natural and holistic tech support. - Try stuffing tree bark in the CD drive and meditating. - No, of course it won't damage anything; it's all natural!
020206 -- What can I do to avoid getting computer viruses? - Give your power cord a spinal adjustment once a week to prevent disease. - I was skeptical until he said there's anecdotal evidence that it works!
020207 -- I worked all weekend to get the bugs out of the database. - But now the data make us look bad. Put back the bugs. - Can you teach me to be apathetic like you? Only if you have a strong desire not to learn.
020208 -- I just had a good meeting. - Maybe it just didn't last long enough to reveal the incompetence of the attendees. - That's what I call a good meeting. I'm having a bad meeting.
020209 -- Evil H.R. Director The bad news is that I had to get rid of our marketing department. - The good news is that we have tons of nondairy creamer! - Do you think those two things are related? If they are, I'm cutting back to five cups a day.
020210 -- I don't think our network can handle the extra network traffic. - Opinions don't matter to me. I base my decisions on hard data. - How about logic? Our network is already too slow and we plan to quadruple usage. - Bah! Watch how science works
020210 -- and maybe you'll learn something. - Doug, come here for a minute. - The data proves that our network has infinite capacity, so your budget should be diverted to my project. - That's not science! That's a weasel misinterpreting data to get extra
020210 -- funding! - There are days when you really hate to hear the phrase "po-tay-to, po-tay-to."
020211 -- Carol, I need to reserve the glass-walled conference room by the main lobby. - The "fish bowl" is only available to attractive employees. We don't want to scare visitors. - I want a second opinion. Very well. I'll convene the tribunal of admin
020211 -- assistants.
020212 -- The tribunal of admin assistants will hear the case of... - The man who is too unattractive to use the glass-walled conference room versus humanity. - You put the verdict in the name of the case! We're efficient.
020213 -- The tribunal of admin assistants has reached a decision. - Dilbert is not attractive enough to use the glass-walled conference room near the lobby. - Can I appeal? Apparently not.
020214 -- I've reduced our development costs by outsourcing the project. - Does the proposal have a huge hourly rate for any work not specified in the contract? - Stay out of it. Why do you ask?
020215 -- Wow! you finished the project below your estimate and on time. Hold...hold... - All I need are a few changes at your hourly fee, which was never specified in our contract. hold...hold...hold. - WAG!
020216 -- Your trip is cancelled. - We used up the travel budget renaming our call centers to "Contact Centers." - But I need this training. Isn't that another way of saying you're ignorant?
020217 -- Wally, may I ask you for advice? Huh? - My name is Ted. I'm planning to take the voluntary layoff package. - Then I plan to use my retirement money to start a business that makes kites out of waffles! - In five years I hope to be the world's
020217 -- largest maker of edible kites. - So, what do you think? I value your opinion. - Ted, who told you that I'd be a good person to ask for an opinion on your idea? - Alice said it reminded her of the quality of your...ideas. Oh. -  ALICE SHOOTS FOR
020217 -- THE DOUBLE!!! SHE SCORES!!!
020218 -- Dilbert, you have been chosen to design the world's safest nuclear power plant. - This is the greatest assignment that any engineer could hope for. I'm flattered by the trust you have in me. - By "safe" I mean "not near my house."
020219 -- Our assignment is to design a totally safe nuclear power plant. - Let's put it in Elbonia. That seems safe to me. - Our offer of cheerful slave labor paid off! WOO-HOO!!
020220 -- none of us has designed a nuclear power plant before but we can figure it out by using our process. - In phase one we will gather customer requirements. - So...you want free electricity, without mutating, unless the mutation gives you x-ray
020220 -- vision. Yep.
020221 -- How do we get the electricity from our nuclear plant in Elbonia to the toasters over here? - Let's brainstorm, and remember not to judge any ideas at this stage. - I'm thinking huge barges and trained porpoises-lots of them. Must...not...judge.
020222 -- I built a working model to test my nuclear power plant design. - How big will the real one be? About half this size. And it will cost $23 to build. - I'd give you an attaboy certificate but my printer is out of paper.
020223 -- In Elbonia I'm here to oversee construction of the nuclear power plant. - The first order of business is security for the uranium. A pig ate it. - What?! I demand to see your director of security! You'll have to wait; the pig ate him too.
020224 -- Upgrade all of our network servers by Tuesday. - That's impossible. I need at least a month. - Oh, it's impossible, is it? Watch this. - I SUMMON KRONOS, THE GOD OF MANAGEMENT TIME!! - I, Kronos, will manipulate your perception of time. - I
020224 -- don't see how this helps... - When he wakes up he will believe there is plenty of time and that you are a weasel. - Any side effects? Just an insatiable appetite for status reports.
020225 -- I found a coffee stain on my carpet that looks like a man's face. - It might be a miracle...or maybe a sign of the end of time. - I hope not. I added coffee and gave him a squirrel body.
020226 -- Is this number accurate? It seems low. - Why are you attacking me? Stop attacking me! - I think the number is low. It's too late to apologize. Now I hate your guts.
020227 -- The first week after getting an assignment is called "The Wally Period." - Never do work during the Wally Period because most tasks become unnecessary within seven days. - I want a period named after me! Whoa, Asok. That takes many years of
020227 -- non-work.
020228 -- Asok, I'm putting you on our special self-monitoring program. - If you have any questions whatsoever, feel free to talk to yourself. - I'm the master of non-monetary rewards.
020301 -- I'd like to demonstrate some things we can't do. - I don't care about things you can't do. - I know, but it makes a better demonstration this way. - I want my life to have a meaning! You came to the wrong place. Can't do that.
020302 -- I'm in a bad mood. Maybe I'll feel better if I criticize some employees. - I'm doing some recreational criticizing. What do you have for me? E-Mail. - YOU READ E-MAIL LIKE A CHIMP! Alice said she needs to talk to you.
020303 -- I need career advice. You came to the right place. - Should I keep my comfortable job that has no growth potential? - Or should I take a better job with longer hours and a hideous commute? - The first choice is a sure path to self-loathing and
020303 -- unhappiness. - The second choice will squeeze the life out of you like a vise on a peach. - You can't win. So I recommend the choice that keeps you away from home more. - Because frankly-and I'll try to say this delicately-a little bit of
020303 -- you goes a long way. - That's the problem with good advice: no one wants to hear it.
020304 -- Can anyone tell me why everyone is always late for my staff meetings? - Because the first ten minutes are always stupid stuff like "why are people late?" - Alice, that was some of your finest work. Thank you for noticing.
020305 -- What's our current severance package? - I transfer you to a bad job and you quit without giving notice. - I hate your package. I hear that a lot.
020306 -- Tina, we've gotten some complaints about your hostile behavior. - At a recent meeting you crossed your arms. That is unacceptable body language. - Maybe I was cold. EYEBROWS! EYEBROWS!
020307 -- Someone accused me of having a hostile body language. - I'm not allowed to cross my arms or move my eyebrows or frown. - Have a nice day. Too late.
020308 -- Carol, this is urgent. - I'll add it to the compost drawer. - I hope that means the same thing as "urgent."
020309 -- Every employee will wear a button that says "I'm empowered." - I don't want to. You have to. - That was everything you need to know about life in one package.
020310 -- You're an ignorant maggot. You disgust me. - You should get a face transplant from a baboon. What?! - I'm not talking to you. I'm using my hands-free phone. - Oh...for a minute I thought...well, never mind. - Ha ha! You might be the most
020310 -- gullible moron in the galaxy! - YOU POINTY-HAIRED, GRAY-SUITED PILE OF CRUD!!! - Mon, can you hold? My excellent boss wants to talk to me. - What? No personal phone calls on company time!
020311 -- In a perfect world the project would take eight months. Schedule 8 Months - But based on past projects in this company, I applied a 1.5 incompetence multiplier. 1.5 x 8 = 12 Months - And then I applied an L.W.F. of 6.3. L.W.F.? Lying weasel
020311 -- factor.
020312 -- I'd like permission to hold daily prayer services in a conference room. - I'll do it before work and of course I'll clean up any blood. - So far I'm the only member of my religion but I have ambitious plans for brainwashing.
020313 -- Meet your new cubicle neighbor. His name is Medical Mel. - Mel will be making loud personal phone calls all day. - Is it supposed to make a squishy sound? Listen to this...
020314 -- Medical Mel ...the needle was four feet long and thick as a pencil. - I tried to run but the doctor had been an Olympic javelin champion. - My new nickname at the hospital is Bob-short for shishkabob.
020315 -- Have you completed your skills inventory? I'm submitting it now. click - They use that information to transfer you to jobs you don't want. - You'll be be okay as long as you didn't check any of the boxes in the hazmat section. stupid stupid
020315 -- stupid
020316 -- Our numbers are way down. What should we do? - Reorganize the department so there's no valid history for comparison. - Then we'll fire a few people and give ourselves awards for saving money. El Diablo
020317 -- My open door policy is ruining my happiness. - People stop by all day long and complain. - how can I maintain the morale inspiring illusion of an open door policy without actually having one? - Use your body language to create a protective
020317 -- bubble of unwelcomeness. - Try this stressed-out scowl. - Can I poke in my head? Sure, he has an open door policy. - It's a pleasure to see you. We value your input. - Stop by any time.  AY-YI-YI-YI-YI!!
020318 -- Carol, put together a survey to find out why morale is so low. - Survey?!! You could ask any monkey at the zoo what the problem is. - Do *not* fling that. I repeat...
020319 -- My theory is that consciousness is the ability to predict and then observe the results of actions. - So I think you could build a computer that would be fully conscious. zzzzz - Obviously you'd need an array of sensors to collect the data.
020320 -- I'm putting you on a strict "need to know" basis. - And stay out of the crawl space under the house. - And don't believe anything you see in the news for about six months.
020321 -- We saw your classified ad for a nuclear warhead. - It's genuine Russian craftsmanship. Ideal for menacing other third-world countries. sweet - Our slingshot can fling this a hundred yards. Is that enough? That's plenty.
020322 -- The impoverished nation of Elbonia became a nuclear power today. - They plan to test their one and only warhead to frighten their enemies in Kneebonia. - *I'm* not going to ask him for a match. *You* ask him!
020323 -- Trie to be moor prophesional in your commundicashuns. - Let's forward it ti all our friends so they can see what an idiot we work for. hee hee! - But you're my only friend. Don't flatter yourself.
020324 -- Our company is dying...but not because of bad management. - It's because we're not... Customer Centric. - Well, I for one feel better knowing we have correctly identified the problem. - That was a little thing I call participation; you should
020324 -- try it. - Now let's break into four small working groups... - and develop skits based on our new focus of customer centricity. - Um...there are only four of us. Wait...never mind. - I'll call my skit "The Electricity of Customer Centricity."
020325 -- Ted, you have ten seconds to decide if you want to be restructured, repurposed or reassigned. - Repurposed! No, wait...restructured...no, reassigned! No, repurposed! - How many people volunteered to quit and didn't know? Two out of three!
020326 -- If the water company can pipe water to my house, why can't the toothpaste company do the same? - The toothpaste factory should have a pipe to every home so you can turn a faucet... - And don't even get me started about pudding. meteor meteor
020326 -- meteor meteor
020327 -- We're the least expensive vendor unless your requirements change mid-project. - So...I'll get fired if I don't select the lowest bid, or I'll be fired later when the bills for change orders pour in. - I prefer to be fired mid-project. We offer
020327 -- outplacement service with every sale.
020328 -- From now on, everything we do must be justified by R.O.I. - What's the R.O.I. for this new policy about calculating the R.O.I.? - I said, "from now on." What about your answer? No R.O.I.
020329 -- You can take 20% pay cuts or I'll have to downsize one of you. - I know you're like a family but... Yes, Wally? - Tell us more about the pay cut. That sounds promising.
020330 -- Dorie, send an E-Mail: Employees are leaving work too early. - I want to see more cars in the parking lot after 6 P.PM. Otherwise, heads will roll! - You type your own E-Mail. I can't do that *and* do this menacing pose at the same time.
020331 -- Alice, your performance this year was superior. I'm giving you a 20% raise. - But it's not effective right now. - It kicks in as soon as my budget increase gets approved. - When will that be? - As soon as the economy improves and profits go up!
020331 -- - But my raise will be retroactive to today, right? No. - You should be happy. Some people aren't getting any raises at all. must...control fist...of...death. - I got a 14% future raise just for showing up. GAAA!!!
020401 -- Business is way down. You know what you need to do. - Avoid finishing anything so we never appear to be surplus employees? - Maybe this would be a good time to admit that you were wrong about us knowing.
020402 -- Wally, your status report is just a bunch of buzzwords strung together. - I've been giving you that same status report every week for eleven years. - Five years ago you adopted it as our mission statement.
020403 -- Our next speaker was a famous athlete until drugs and booze ruined his life. - Shank hew vewy mush. - It's not inspirational until he stops doing those things. What?
020404 -- Today is the three-year anniversary of our first meeting to discuss the project requirements. - And we're still discussing requirements. Does anyone else see a problem here? - When you're done, can we talk about requirements?
020405 -- Dogbert's Tech Support It works fine on my machine. - Yes, but this call is about *my* PC. May we talk about *my* problem now? - Okay. Your PC is defective and you're selfish. That's an attractive package you've got going there.
020406 -- Safety tip of the day: - Always bend your knees when banging your head against a wall. - I can't remember if managing is an art or science.
020407 -- This is Dogbert's Tech Support. How may I abuse you? - My printer prints a blank page after every document. - Why would you complain about getting free paper? - Free? Isn't it just giving me my own paper? - Egad, man! Look at the quality of the
020407 -- free paper compared to your lousy regular paper! - Only a fool or a liar would say they look the same! - Now that you mention it, it does seem silkier. - What are you doing? I'm helping people accept the things they can't change.
020408 -- Good news, Dilbert. I'm promoting you to more work! - It's the same pay and title. But it must be good because I called it a promotion and I'm smiling! - Still...smiling...good...news... You're scaring me.
020409 -- I worked sixty hours last week. That's nothing. I worked seventy hours. - That's nothing... - Oh, wait...I just recognized the pattern.
020410 -- Send a copier repair guy. And make sure he's good-looking. - Because I live in a big tin can and I work in an egg carton. Flirting is the only joy I have. - Nothing's wrong with the copier yet, but I feel a fierce paper jam coming on.
020411 -- And I'd like the copier repair guy to be a tall guy to be a tall non-smoker with well-defined abs. - Oh, you're not a dating service, eh? Well if I give you money and you send me a guy then it's just semantics. - And could you shave his back
020411 -- and oil him up before you send him?
020412 -- I can't complete the online self-assessment survey. It asks where I need improvement and I don't need any. - The program won't let me leave that question blank. Just check the box that says you steal. - And people will understand that I don't
020412 -- mean it? Sure.
020413 -- Are you a manager? - No, I'm an individual contributor. - So, basically, you have the same job description as an ant? - I'd like to see an ant try to wear huge glasses like these!
020414 -- All the important decision-makers in the company are in this room. - No little people are allowed because we'll be making important strategy decisions. - First, let's make decisions about project Opal. - Does anyone know what the project is or
020414 -- what we need to decide? - My executive intuition tells me we should cut the budget by 10%. - I think Opal is one of your projects. It's named after your daughter. - Wait...a new intuition is coming in now...it says to increase the budget. - Why
020414 -- are those meetings secret? You don't want to know.
020415 -- This weekend I cleaned out my tool shed. - What's that for? I keep a running tally of how much of my time you waste. - ...and I thought it was a frozen snake but it was actually a shovel! Five years, one day.
020416 -- The Sentence Finisher I think I should take... Money from orphans? - No, I mean I need... A large sack and an alibi? - You're finishing my sentences with... Uncanny accuracy?
020417 -- GAAA! Don't be afraid. - I made a camouflage suit out of cubicle wall fabric. Heh, heh. - You need a mask too. I ran out of material. It was a mistake to make a tie.
020418 -- Um...you gave me an assignment that isn't my job and doesn't need to be done. - I'm trying to take over another department by doing their work. Later I'll say their manager should report to me. - Could we at least pretend my job is useful?
020418 -- Don't I always?
020419 -- Can you get this done in thirty days? Yes, absolutely. - We'll just travel faster than light to a black hole and discover a doorway in time. - That sounds iffy. Excuse me for being flexible.
020420 -- How about any Tuesday this year? No, I'm booked. - You have the highest ratio of unavailability to usefulness I've ever seen. - Does that sound like an insult? If I could do math I wouldn't be working in human resources.
020421 -- ...and the most critical part of your objective is... - mumble mumble mumble - What? - mumble mumble mumble - I'll be right back. I need an interpreter who speaks mumble. - This is Allen. He speaks fifty management languages including jargon,
020421 -- weaselese and mumble. - mumble mumble mumble mumble. mumble mumble mumble mumble. - I'm a bit rusty with the pointy-haired dialect but I think he wants you to line dance in a gazebo.
020422 -- The training budget got slashed. You have to cancel your class. - We already paid for the class. We'll look bad if you go. - So, your plan is to appear smart while secretly being stupid? You can make anything sound bad.
020423 -- It's critical that you finish this engineering analysis by Tuesday. - Aahh...it has the sweet smell of an unnecessary assignment. Yes, I can smell it from here. - Stop being you. Feasibility of using non-existant software. Hee hee!
020424 -- It's a new reality. If you don't like it, you can leave! - Question: How can we leave reality? Aren't we always in it by definition? - Never mind....apparently everyone else knew what you meant. zzzz zzzz zzzzz
020425 -- What a day I'm having. First my key card doesn't work, so I have to tailgate into the building. - Then my network password doesn't work. Now my voicemail doesn't work. - Is it possible for anything else to stop working today?!
020426 -- Do you have a second? Walk and talk. - So, the supplier won't... Hi, Pete. Hey, Tim. Hi, Barb. How are you? Not bad. Hi. - Um...those aren't their names. My way is easier. Hi, Ted.
020427 -- ...and that's why I need a management decision. Hi, Bill. - But you are to distracted to make an informed decision, so this will be random. Bob! - And here it comes. Would "no" be an answer to anything you said?
020428 -- Hey, it's a meeting with our favorite customers! - It's lucky I was passing by. - I don't know what this meeting is about but I'm sure it needs some management perspective. - Out top priority is quality. Our other top priority is price...and
020428 -- service...and... - One Hour Later And that's why circles are round. - We flew here for this meeting and you used up all of our time saying nothing. - YOU STOLE A DAY OF MY LIFE! I WILL HUNT YOU TO THE END OF TIME! REVENGE WILL BE MINE! - Is it
020428 -- just me or is that phrase starting to be overused?
020429 -- I found out that the committee across the hall is doing the same thing we are. - All we can do now is hum "West Side Story" and have a dance-fight. - Can you teach me how to hum?
020430 -- Alice, write a performance evaluation of yourself for me to sign. - What will our seven layers of management be doing while I manage myself? - Sorry. I'll ding myself for that on my evaluation. If you can't find me, have Carol sign my name.
020501 -- Don't E-Mail your answer to my boss until I've reviewed it. Um...okay. - May I walk to my cubicle now or would you like to review the route first? - Now that you mentioned it, I can't release.
020502 -- Asok is the winner of the $25 "Clean Desk Award." - Yesterday the facilities people took my desk because it appeared to be unused. - I hope this doesn't bump me into a higher tax bracket.
020503 -- Write on Alice's performance review, "needs too much supervision." - When she goes to your office to protest, say, "see what I mean?" - Ooh! That was so evil I need to purr with my lips! P-P-P-URRR P-P-P-URRR P-P-P-URR
020504 -- My review says I "need too much supervision." Are you insane?! - Most days I can't get your time-wasting, lard-filled suit out of my cubicle with a freakin' crane!! - GAAA!! It's a trap! You're supervising me too much right now! I win.
020505 -- You need to socialize your idea with the rest of the department. - Socialize? Is that the same as getting buy-in? - It's one step below buy-in. It's more like dialoging for feedback. - Wait...I thought that building a consensus was one step
020505 -- below buy-in. - Just run it up a flagpole and see who salutes. - Wouldn't it be better to do a temperature check using a straw man? - Maybe...but is that going to inoculate the stakeholders? - Dear reader, if you or anyone you love understands
020505 -- the preceding conversation you have my deepest sympathy. S.A.
020506 -- Alice, would you read the minutes from our last meeting? - People said irrelevant things. Bad decisions were made. Men are idiots. - I don't remember that last part. It was implied.
020507 -- I'm giving everyone on my staff this inspirational book about a successful fish market! - I want you to be like the characters in this book. - The title character gets captured, tossed around and eaten. Depressing.
020508 -- I would like to improve my interpersonal skills. - Take this training CD back to your cube and go wild. - Humans are weak. Computers are strong. Come, join our side.
020509 -- My training CD has gone bad. It is brainwashing me to become a cyborg. - Don't worry. Smart people such as you can't be brainwashed to do stupid things. - Guess who doesn't know the first thing about brainwashing.
020510 -- My training CD went bad and brainwashed me to become a cyborg. - Your insurance doesn't cover cosmetic surgery but you can game the system by jumping off the roof. - I hear that the follow-up visits don't get any easier.
020511 -- We can fix our incomprehensible user interface for a million dollars. - Or we can close our eyes and wish real hard that our users won't care. - He's saving a million dollars. What did you do today?
020512 -- This is an outrage! What? - The so-called "Working Lunch" tomorrow! - They're stealing the only free time I have during the day! - They give us some lousy sandwiches and expect us to work during lunch! Bah!
020512 -- IS NOTHING SACRED?!!! - Why doesn't this bother you? - I plan to eat their sandwiches and go to lunch after the meeting. - I...I can actually feel the wind beneath my wings! Sorry.
020513 -- Our CEO is visiting next week. Discontinue all real work immediately. - We have five days to create the illusion of productivity. - Here's the diversity sign-up sheet. We still have a few open slots that only require a hat.
020514 -- Wally, our CEO is visiting next week. I want you to hide in the restroom. - - It's too soon. It's never too soon to start a dream assignment.
020515 -- Have you finished your "Powerpoint" slides for the CEO's visit? - Yes, I'm focusing on all the things we do wrong, because that's what he needs to fix. - Just kidding. There's no useful information. Don't joke!
020516 -- The CEO Visit Would you like a tour of our cubicles? - Why would I want to see a bunch of boxes filled with people pretending to work? - Unless that's the only thing you planned for the first thirty minutes of my visit.
020517 -- The CEO Visit And now Dilbert and Alice will give you a presentation. - I'm curious to hear why that requires two people. - Our department made impressive improvements in...efficiency! +.01%
020518 -- The CEO Visit Thanks for the presentation. Your department seems bloated. - I'll eliminate half of your group in the next budget meeting. Thank you. - What are you going to do? Nothing.  I told him we're the marketing department.
020519 -- If you buy our system it will pay for itself in three years. - Approximately how much does it cost? - It's hard to say. It depends on many factors. - Fine. Just tell me how much money it will save annually. - You'll save $10,000 per year. -
020519 -- Well then, if it pays off for itself in three years, it must cost about $30,000. - That was a little trick called "math." - Ooops. Now I'm not emotionally invested. Your vendor tauntage is quite excellent today.
020520 -- I'd like to you meet our new Senior Vice President, Cyrus the Virus. - Like an infection, he will soon attack the managers in this company and replace us with his old colonies. - Tell Pointy-Haired Pete to get over here right away.
020521 -- I'm demoting you to engineer so I can give your current job to one of my cronies. - I won't survive. I don't know how to do real work! - Wally , can you teach me how to pretend to be working? Whoa! There can only be one Wally.
020522 -- Demoted A cubicle isn't so bad. I can get used to it. - It's perfectly respectable. There's no reason to cry. - How do you like your new "Loser Cruiser"?
020523 -- Demoted Hey Buddy, can you teach me to be one of the little people? - Buddy? My name is Dilbert. I worked for you for years. - Okay, now I'll try. Am I doing the eyebrows right?
020524 -- Demoted I plan to spread rumors about our new boss until I get him fired. - I'll tell everyone that he's the most clueless human that ever lived Hee hee! - Believe me, that doesn't work. I have no idea what you're talking about.
020525 -- Maybe It's a good thing that I was demoted to work among you noble little people. - I have gained a valuable empathy that will serve me well if I ever become a manager again. - You've been promoted. YEE-HA!! I'M NOT A LOSER!!
020526 -- I quit. I got a better job with our competitor. - Okay, but remember the employment agreement you signed. - You agreed to not take away knowledge or skills you acquired at this job. - That's crazy. How can I stop knowing what I learned? Come
020526 -- with me. - Will this hurt? I hope so. - CLAMP suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck - Ha ha!! I got your technical knowledge! And there go your verbal skills! - Great. Now what do I do? I'd stay away from the golf course.
020527 -- Let's ping the Director of Marketing and double-click on the budget. - Then we can interface in batch mode and put a scope on his bandwidth. - Please stop doing that! Have I mentioned that I was an engineer for a week?
020528 -- Ted, your performance is excellent but I have to downsize you. Why?! - Our billing system is so defective that we haven't made any revenue in three months. - Why don't you fire the billing department? I did...three months ago.
020529 -- Wally, what do you expect to find here with a metal detector? - My first choice is some sort of priceless treasure. But I wouldn't say no to a bottle cap. - I finally find my calling in life and I waste all day explaining it.
020530 -- How's the treasure hunt going? Have you found any loot? - It's not about the "loot," as you say. We detectors are motivated by the thrill of the hunt. - I could seed the carpet with nickels. I tried that but I can't find them.
020531 -- Alice, according to this book, people can choose their attitudes! - So you decided to go with a dopey and gullible theme? - And that's another interesting choice. Now I see how this works.
020601 -- I read this motivational book and yet the employees still have low morale. - Maybe you have a defective copy. You should compare it to another one and see what's different. - What if the second one is defective too? Sheesh...it's like I'm doing
020601 -- all of your thinking here.
020602 -- Would you like to join me on a daring commando raid? Sure. - Do you want to know why? Not really. - My Internet provider won't let me cancel by phone or by E-Mail. - The service agreement says I have to stage a daring commando raid on their
020602 -- headquarters. - Does this mask make me look fat? - That joke is overused, Bob. ZAP - The stun gun is in good working order. - Maybe I should carry the stun gun. Don't worry, I'll do you last.
020603 -- If you need me, just page me. - I'll call you right back unless solar flares stop your page from getting through. - And of course you'll have some blockage during high tide, low tide, humidity, and most of your equinoxes.
020604 -- We sure have a lot of vacant offices since the layoffs. - I wouldn't mind having a nice office with an actual door. Why don't you let me have one? - Okay, take one. STOP TOYING WITH ME!
020605 -- I'm moving into a vacant private office. I got the last one. - I hope this doesn't cause ill-will in the cubicle-bound co-workers I'm leaving behind. - All I ask is that when you enter Diltopia, you bow in reference and take off your shoes.
020606 -- Aah...even the desk feels better when you have your own office. - The fluorescent lights are warmer and brighter. - Remind me to teach him when to close the door.
020607 -- The other engineers are complaining because you have a private office. - Maybe you should explain to each of them that life isn't fair. - Yeah, I guess it *is* easier to explain it to one person.
020608 -- I am Mordac the Preventor of Information Services. You have exceeded your server storage limit. - Here's 25 cents so you can afford to double my storage space. - I think my mystique just took a hit.
020609 -- The merger has been approved. - Our evil director of human resources will blend the acquired company's benefits program with our own. - WAAA! WAAA! WAAA! - Apparently, they know what blending means. - The Blending Let's see...my company offers
020609 -- six months of maternity leave for mothers. - We treat 'em like smokers. They have to squat in the parking lot for ten minutes then go back to work. - That's very evil Thanks. We'll adopt your program. - What is "draining"? Our company called it
020609 -- training.
020610 -- To: Employees From: Catbert All non-work conversations are banned. - From now on you're only allowed to talk about work. - I think it only applies during work hours. I can't take that chance. zzz zzz zzz
020611 -- Our new version is a step backward in quality and reliability. - We're counting on your irrational need to have the latest version of every software product. - I hate your weasel guts...but I'll take one for home and one for the office.
020612 -- I'm a new guy with no assignment. I'm looking for a project to horn into. - But don't be threatened by me. I'm exceptionally ineffectual. - I'm trying to build a career based on good attendance and head-nodding.
020613 -- I've learned to appear smarter than I am. - I agree with whatever people say then I reword it to sound more wise. - Please leave my cubicle. Because sometimes less is more!
020614 -- I needed to make an engineering decision about your project this morning. - You'll need to act like you agree with it so I don't look stupid. - Explain to us how fiber capacity can be increased by serial input at breakfast.
020615 -- This is Roboboss. He'll handle all of my trivial tasks. - I'm totally insulted that you think you can manage us with a machine. - Handle that. I'll delegate it to my assistant, Plywoodboss.
020616 -- Wally, I need advice from the master. zzz Huh? - How do you remain so carefree while everyone else seems overworked? - Asok, you are ready to learn my most powerful secret. - Always volunteer to do lots of tasks. That will make you appear very
020616 -- busy. - Later, when someone complains that you didn't do a task... - Say you remember discussing the topic but you don't recall agreeing to do anything. - Offer a glimmer of hope that you might yet do the task if no one yells at you. Then
020616 -- repeat. Wow. - He is like a Ghandi that eats.
020617 -- Stockholders are worried that our profits are nothing but accounting gimmicks. - I'm putting you in charge of destroying all of our accounting records. - That's illegal. Oh. Then just make them more confusing.
020618 -- My boss ordered me to make our accounting records more confusing. Is this ethical? - It's as ethical as the massive shortsell order I'm going to place in the next ten seconds. - Maybe you're the wrong one to ask. NOW! NOW!
020619 -- I need you to be a subject matter expert on my accounting system project. - Will it make the world a worse place to live? I think so. I'm in. - What's it like to be an accounting troll? To be honest, I'm only in it for the groupies.
020620 -- Our assignment is to make our accounting system less transparent. What? - We don't want investors to know what we're doing. Are we bad people? - We're good people who have been influenced by a corrupt corporate culture. Oh, okay. Carry on.
020621 -- As requested, my project team has added impenetrable complications to our accounting records. - And an outside firm is erasing all memories from senior management. How do they do that? - Okay, you're ready to talk to congress. Thank you.
020622 -- I had my cell phone at one ear and my regular phone at the other. - I'm reading E-Mail, sending instant messages, my pager is vibrating, and my boss comes in! - You know what makes your work stories fascinating? What? Nothing.
020623 -- Dilbert, I'd like you to interview Matt for our department. - There's a three-year gap in your work history. What were you doing? - One day I was balancing my checkbook and noticed a bank error. - So I embarked on a three-year mission to make
020623 -- the bank admit its mistake! - I worked the phones day and night, rarely eating and bathing. - Then came the sit-ins, the media frenzy and the landmark court case. - The bank claimed that seven minus four is three. And I'm like, "Since when?" -
020623 -- Would he fit in? Unfortunately, yes.
020624 -- I am Roboboss. You are a valuable asset. Keep up the good work. - That is the most shallow compliment I have ever heard. But it still made me feel good. - So...are you seeing anyone? High five!
020625 -- Roboboss, can this relationship work? After all, I'm a human... - And you're a soulless machine designed to give shallow compliments to employees. - You're giving 110%. Stop...don't make me love you.
020626 -- This survey will help us improve morale. - I misjudged you. I thought you were an evil director of H.R., but you care about morale. - When we fire this disgruntled guy, my morale will go way up. Hee hee!
020627 -- Hey, guy, cheer up. You can choose to have a good attitude! - I just found out I have six months to live. - Maybe I'm saying it wrong. Try reading the book yourself.
020628 -- I'm in a battle of wills with a guy who lets all of his calls roll over my voicemail. - I do that too. So all day long we trade messages saying "call me," and then we ignore the incoming calls. - Maybe he's out of the office. No, I can hear
020628 -- him. He's one cube over me.
020629 -- Alice, you should act as if you're your own boss. Okay. - My hair is pointy and I'm confused. Suddenly I have no respect for myself. - Must...golf...now. That is so-o-o not funny.
020630 -- Dilbert, can you come with me to a meeting? - Actually, no. I'm running this meeting and it took three weeks to get everyone together. - If I leave now, sixteen people will be wasting their time. - I'll cover for you. - You will? Sure. Just
020630 -- leave your notes and I'll take care of it. - What's the meeting about? It's not exactly a meeting. - I need someone to drink the crud on the bottom and then brew a fresh pot. - All in favor of leaving before he gets back. - It looks like I'll
020630 -- be exaggerating my accomplishments again this year.
020701 -- Procurement I need to order a special cable for my computer. - No, that's a piece of rope. Yes, I know it's cheaper. Ooh hoo hoo hoo! - Well, maybe it was a mistake to sign an exclusive contract with a rope distributor. Ooh hoo hoo jerk.
020702 -- My technology test was a huge failure because I had to use rope as my electronic cable. - Our procurement manager is a monkey who signed an exclusive contract with a rope vendor. - I'd rather not take sides until I hear the monkey's version.
020703 -- I call my idea "coffee with the boss." Each employee will get one hour of quality time with me. - I'd rather staple a skunk to my forehead and go to a trade show for banjo makers. - And yet, it's still better than working, so count me in.
020703 -- That's the spirit!
020704 -- You're the first employee for my "coffee with the boss" program. - Feel free to say whatever is on your mind. Don't hold back. Give it to me straight. - My chair has a squeak. YOU UNGRATEFUL WHINY WRETCH!!!
020705 -- I'm having these coffee meetings to find out how I can improve morale. - My only problem was that I wasn't drinking enough coffee with you. So now I'm good, thanks. - Promise me you'll never leave this table. I can't go back to the way things
020705 -- were.
020706 -- I can't tell you how much your budget is. Because if I did, you'd try to spend all of it. - Can you tell me when I'm over budget? No, because than you'd know what the budget is. - Can you tell me what our company strategy is? Sure. It's...Ha ha
020706 -- ha! Just kidding.
020707 -- Does anyone have any ideas for boosting morale? - OOOH! OOOH! OOOH! - This employee potluck lunch that we had last year was almost perfect. - But we only did it once and some people had schedule conflicts. - I call my idea the "permanent
020707 -- virtual individual employee potluck" or P.V.I.E.P. for short. - Every day, each employee brings a small meal in a bag and eats it whenever he gets hungry. - You already do that. And look how happy I am! - Okay. Who is going to organize the
020707 -- P.V.I.E.P.? Alice hasn't helped yet.
020708 -- I'll be taking my vacation in Africa so I can enjoy nature's wonders. - And shoot as much of it as possible from the window in an SUV. - Have you ever seen monkey brains? Once, when you flared your nostrils.
020709 -- Wally, it's your turn to be in charge while I'm on vacation. - But whatever you do, do *not* sit in my chair. It wouldn't be right. - Ooh-baby! You want some of this. Yes, you do.
020710 -- Carol, I'm filling in for the pointy-haired boss, so that makes you my secretary. - I'M AN ADMINISTRATIVE ASSISTANT, YOU STINKIN' BABOON! - I will make you pay dearly for your arrogance! Could you put a head on this?
020711 -- How do you like sitting in for the boss? It's easy. - All I do is walk around and make people loathe me while I avoid making decisions. - That's all you ever did before. Apparently I was grossly underpaid.
020712 -- My first act as temporary boss is revamping our project status color codes. - Red, yellow and green will be replaced by white, off-white and eggshell. - I have to confess, it was embarrassing to realize I only have one idea.
020713 -- I'm refreshed from my vacation. - I am calm and relaxed. Wally sat in your chair. - Cooty Squad We'll have to burn your clothes too.
020714 -- I'll get to your application as soon as I have nothing more important to do. - Okay...thank you very much. - I just thanked someone for doing nothing. - My project is being thwarted by a woman who gets satisfaction from being unhelpful. - Have
020714 -- you tried using your charm? - I guess I can try. Ha ha ha! Just kidding. - But seriously, try hounding her until she recoils in pain at the sound of your voice. - Will that work? Sometimes the best you can do is make other people feel bad.
020715 -- Tina, our records show that you forward an average of nineteen E-Mail jokes per week. - Each joke goes to 30,000 employees, costing us ten million per year in lost productivity. - We plan to blame you when we file for bankruptcy next week.
020716 -- Ha ha! We're filing for chapter 11 because all of our so-called profits are fake. - I'm laughing because I sold all of my stock the same day I heard that our CFO did. - You said he was just diversifying his investments! It sounds funny now.
020717 -- You made a fortune selling your stock options last month, and now we're bankrupt. - My 401K is worthless. So, in effect, you've stolen my life savings. - This would be a bad time to make quote marks in the air while saying, "In effect." Ooh
020718 -- I'm broke. The company declared bankruptcy and my 401K savings are worthless. - No, I've been impersonating you and diversifying your investments into tobacco, sweat shops, and diamond mines. - Really?! How am I doing? It's mixed. You have a
020718 -- 37% return but your soul will burn for eternity.
020719 -- How could our accounting firm not notice that we were heading for bankruptcy? - Maybe there was a conflict of interest with their T-shirt design business. - This one says, "I'm with bankrupt" and it has an arrow. Hee hee!
020720 -- Our accountants are weasels. They let us go bankrupt so they could sell T-shirts that say, "I'm with bankrupt." - Didn't your company make all of its money selling products you knew were defective? - Just stir your cauldron, Mom.  Ironically,
020720 -- we're having weasel soup.
020721 -- Now for the highlight of the staff meeting: the wally report. - Yesterday I was getting my hair styled as usual. - But this time I forgot to remove my glasses, and what I saw was disturbing. - My stylist was using a nose-hair trimmer to cut my
020721 -- hair! - I protested, but she said she's been doing my hair that way for years. - She said it just "seemed right." - Tempers flared. I threw some hair gel. A salon brawl broke out! - Don't we use the same stylist? That would explain why she has
020721 -- a plunger.
020722 -- Wally, what are we going to do now that we're bankrupt and our 401K money is gone? - No problem. I've been investing all my money in our competitor's stock. Now I'm rich. - Why do you still come to work? I don't know how to make coffee.
020723 -- This is a list of our executives who sold their stock before announcing bankruptcy. - My plan is to bring each executive to the roof, hold him by the ankles, and shake. - Ooh, a cat comb!
020724 -- The government is giving us a bailout loan because we have excellent lobbyists! - Ha ha! Taxpayers will give us money so we can build overpriced products to sell to taxpayers! - Remind me again why any of this is legal. Wuss.
020725 -- The Feng Shui in your office is terrible. It is? - That hum...it's the sound of your energy being drained into the Internet. - Who told him that his computer fan is killing him?
020726 -- Did you finish the vendor comparison that you promised you'd give me today? - I'm one of those people that needs to be threatened every day or I won't do anything. - You're very defective. Good start. I'm beginning to feel something.
020727 -- I need your help yelling at a guy to make him do his job. Yay! - YOU WORTHLESS, INCOMPETENT BUG!!! I'LL HAVE YOUR HEAD!!! - How much work did that buy? Two phone calls and a meeting.
020728 -- Are you a member of our frequent grocery club? - No. What is it? - You get a membership card that entitles you to discounts. - Let's see if I have this straight... - I'll be inconvenienced by having to fill out a form and carry your stupid card
020728 -- around... - And in return, you'll put me on a junk mail list, and charge me the same as the grocery store across the street? - AND YOU'LL EXPECT ME TO BE HAPPY ABOUT IT?!! - But it's free! Cleanup on register two...it's engineer spittle.
020729 -- Do you think I should inject a deadly poison in my face to hide wrinkles? - It's only fair that you poison your face, because your face is killing me. Hee hee hee! - The correct answer is "you don't need to." Was your mother a shar-pei?
020730 -- Over the past year, most of my co-workers have managed extensive projects that failed. - I've done nothing but drink coffee. So on an economic basis, that makes me your top performer. - Watch and learn.
020731 -- How's your new baby? - Wonderful, but the lack of sleep is taking a toll on my body. - How's Becky doing? I *am* Becky. Bob looks worse.
020801 -- Starting today, our goals will be replaced by stretch goals. Stretch goals? - Stretch goals are like stretch pants. It's a way of signaling surrender. - Speaking of which, I wouldn't say no to a doughnut.
020802 -- Our budget cuts are affecting customer service. How much? - Our customer service center spends all day making prank calls to the elderly. - According to our records, your neighbor has treasure buried under his lawn.
020803 -- I can't stop dreaming about work. - And I usually sleep at work. So I'm dreaming about sleeping and it's freaking me out. - Have you considered doing work? I want pills, you quack.
020804 -- If there are no objections, I'd like to start the meeting with a prayer. I'm a... - Yea, though I walk through the valley of idiots, I shall fear no downsizing. But I'm... - For I have a fist of death, and highly marketable job skills. - But my
020804 -- investment portfolio isn't doing as well as I'd hoped. - So, if it's not too much to ask... - I need a higher return so I can escape these clowns... - And live in splendor while they stew in their own bile! - Maybe we won't do this again.
020804 -- Whatever you say, heathen.
020805 -- I'm tired of calling the employees "resources". It's too complimentary. - I'm thinking of something along the lines of livestock or human capital. - I don't want them demanding hay. Good point. We'll go with human capital.
020806 -- May I use your three-hole punch? Whoa whoa whoa! - You can't come waltzing into this department, using our stuff and leaving your holes. - I'll clean up the holes. I want you to whack the people on this list.
020807 -- Alice, employees are not allowed to eat in cubicles. - GULP CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP - I'm going to see that every time I close my eyes! - You started it.
020808 -- We have too many empty cubicles. It frightens our customers. - Each of you will adopt an empty cubicle and decorate it to appear occupied. - My imaginary employee will be a Frenchman named Phil De Cube. Nice.
020809 -- Who are you? I'm Allen. I've been telecommuting for four years. - Allen? I fired you four years ago. Didn't you get my E-Mail? - This is exactly why I stopped coming to the office.
020810 -- I telecommuted for four years without knowing until today that I'd been fired. - Apparently unemployment feels exactly like empowerment. - This is just like that movie, "The Sixth Sense." Did you like that movie, Wally?...Wally?
020811 -- Both plans are technically impossible. - Which one costs less? - Um...I don't see how that matters, but plan one is much cheaper. - Plan one is the best. I'll take it to our VP. - I like plan two. Great minds think alike! - Excellent. Ask one
020811 -- of our engineers to present plan two to the board. - Guess what. - Every day I make the world a little bit worse. What's it like to make a difference?
020812 -- I will study the culture in your company and make detailed recommendations. - "The one I call Wally is a docile outcast who eats bananas and drinks brown water." - Do you mind if I staple this tracking device to your ear? Not really.
020813 -- "The females of the group do all the hunting. The one I call Alice stalks her prey." - "She pounces. Her razor-sharp words tear the prey to shreds." grrrr - "The results are gruesome. Only the hyenas are laughing."
020814 -- I've analyzed your corporate culture and put my findings in this report. - "The employees are a bunch of unmotivated weasels. I look good in this hat." - I would have mentioned my knapsack but it's only a summary.
020815 -- I hired the "Amorphous Ad Company" to do our campaign. - I see gaseous cloud and some music...no, just a noise. Excellent. - and then we say the name of our company? Sure, if you want to ruin the ad.
020816 -- Your print ads would look like this. It's a shape with no text. - I did some checking and found out that all the good ideas have been used. This is all that's left. - Can it be green? Whoa! Who's the creative person here?
020817 -- Mom, here's our new commercial. - It gives no information about your products. Are you ashamed or just massively incompetent? - Why can't it be both? I was just making conversation.
020818 -- My pet peeve is when people use cell phones in restaurants. - Why? Do they talk louder than the other people in the restaurant? - No. It's just rude. - Who decides what is rude? Is there a committee? - It's common sense. You're not supposed to
020818 -- talk into electronic gadgets at a restaurant. - What about a drive-through place? Is it okay to order your food using the microphone? Yello. - Hi, Ratbert...yeh, he made the mistake of talking...the goodnight kiss is a definite no-go. - No,
020818 -- it's not awkward, but thanks for asking.
020819 -- Sweet mother of potatoes! I just thought of a billion-dollar idea!! - The company owns all of your ideas. Cough it up or I'll fire you and then sue you. - WAAA! Your first billion-dollar idea is always the hardest.
020820 -- Carol, I'm sending you to an executive bodyguard class. - You'll learn how to pounce on a kidnapper and sacrifice yourself to keep me safe. - I'm talking a class called "Inside Help." I can't reimburse for that.
020821 -- I have mail! I've never had mail in twelve years here. - It's not addressed to me but it was in my box so I'm keeping it. - No mail for twelve years? If I hold it just right it glistens.
020822 -- I've never seen anyone get this excited over a piece of junk mail. - I've never been on a mailing list before. This letter is validation of my existence. - It's not addressed to you. I'll grant you that it's not a clear win.
020823 -- My morale skyrocketed when I received my first-ever item of bulk mail. - I have designated it "WM1" for "Wally's Mail One" and it shall remain forever unopened. - Bulk mail is the same as junk mail. Don't listen to his lies, WM1.
020824 -- And I need the software in a week. Cheryl is the only one who knows the ordering system. - She's on her honeymoon for two weeks. You need CFO approval to buy software outside the system. - Fine. I'll talk to the CFO. When will he be available?
020824 -- Depends on the parole board.
020825 -- Make the blue box bluer. - A little more...a little more...a little more...THAT'S IT!! - When you get tired of micromanaging me... - Put this sample of my blood under a microscope so you can manage me on a cellular level. - And here's a book by
020825 -- Erwin Schr�dinger in case you'd like to manage me on a quantum level! - DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING? - Free gifts. - Now I want all of you white blood cells to spell "Hi."
020826 -- What's this? It's our old five-year plan! - I wonder how we did compared to the plan. - Have we relegated Microsoft to the dust heap of history? Shhh! They might hear!
020827 -- I found our five-year plan from five years ago. - The last page says, "at the end of the fifth year, the entire management team will be..." - "...investigated for accounting irregularities." Spooky.
020828 -- Ha ha! I quit, you stinkin' pile of rubbish! - I'm going to work for myself. I won't need to deal with morons like you again! - On an unrelated note, if you need a freelance web designer, pleas call me.
020829 -- H, Bob. I haven't seen you lately. I was doing some evolving. - I noticed I have a zit that's sensitive to sunlight. I'm hoping it becomes an eye. - I like your attitude. Try to sneak up on me.
020830 -- I plan to use punctuated equilibrium to turn this zit into a third eye. - That's not a natural advantage. You'd you'd better stay away from the fitter dinosaurs. - Ha ha! My only enemies are bullysaurs and they... Hey, zit eye!
020831 -- Hello, Bob. I hear you're evolving a zit into a third eye, trying to get an advantage. - Gaaa!! No, it's only for cosmetic reasons, I swear!! Hmm... - Wanna watch a dinosaur be forced to use topical antibiotics? No, I have "TiVo." Gaaa!!
020901 -- Welcome to my quarterly employee feedback meeting. - Who wants to get the ball rolling? - It would be helpful if you told us our company's long term strategy. - OH, would it? - Why? So you can leak it to our competitors? - HERE'S YOUR STUPID
020901 -- SUGGESTION IN MY HAND! I'M CRUSHING IT! CRUSH, CRUSH, CRUSH!!! - NOW I'LL CHEW IT UP SO I CAN SPIT IT IN YOUR CUBICLE-DWELLING FACE!!! - You fell in that trap last quarter too. An optimist's life is never easy.
020902 -- And I need a code for charging my project expenses. No. I hate your project. - It doesn't matter if you hate it. You're the guy who assigns codes. Get out of here. - Why is everything in this company so freakin' hard. Because of people like
020902 -- you.
020903 -- Today I realized I hate everyone in the entire world. - I used to thin I might like some people I hadn't met. But now I think they're weasels too. - How about a wide-eyed and innocent child who loves you unconditionally? Tiny weasels.
020904 -- I'm signing up people for the mandatory mouse training class. - I see you're using a western grip. That's just begging for carpal tunnel. - Weak muscles...I'll put you in the two-handed mouse class. Ouch
020905 -- Mouse Training Who wants to share an opinion on why mouse training is important? - OOH-OOH! PICK ME! - Yes, Wally. No one?
020906 -- Mouse Training Today ou will learn how to avoid premature clickage. - Contort your face and visualize what you look like with a contorted face. - Now pair off and we'll do some finger exercises that I call "The Three Stooges."
020907 -- Our survey of customer satisfaction shows improvement. - The focus group spontaneously attacked our researchers using number two pencils as shivs. - That's an improvement? Last year the attack was premeditated.
020908 -- Carol, cancel all of my meetings forever. - From now on, I plan to stay in my office and manage by E-Mail. - You still need to communicate some things in person. - No, I don't. I can do it all by E-Mail. - Carol, e-mail me the budget. SEND -
020908 -- And now, like magic... DING you have a message - Auto-Reply: Carol is out of the office. - We have a situation here.
020909 -- This is our new CEO, Rufus T. Skwerrel. His first job was trailer park burglar. - But thanks to a series of mergers and acquisitions, not to mention suspicious accounting, here we are. - Would you like to saw a few words? Wallet and watch.
020910 -- I like our new CEO. He has charisma. - The man sure knows how to rob. He's a miracle worker with duct tape. - He even gave me back my emptied wallet. Classy move.
020911 -- Then our new CEO backed up a moving van to the building and robbed us. - At first we thought he was breaking the law, but he had  a written opinion from his tax lawyer saying it was probably okay. - What did the board of directors do? After
020911 -- loading the van?
020912 -- To remind us all of our need to reduce expenses, the new dress code is barrels. - Expect for Friday, which will be casual barrel day. - Has anyone else noticed that the barrel rides up on when you sit?
020913 -- Set up a meeting with the customer so we can demonstrate our technology. - It's humiliating because we're so poor now. What will I feed him? - If you think the food is great, wait until you see our technology?
020914 -- I'm sending you to Elbonia for a meeting, but we're on a tight budget. - So there will be no limo service to the airport. Go there in the cheapest possible way. - And then I started Brownie's Barrel Service. He's a talker.
020915 -- I completed the feasibility analysis. - It would take us two years to build a product that will be obsolete one year from now. - Okay, let's get started. - Um...no, the point is that the project can't succeed. - We want people to think we're
020915 -- developing this sort of product, so we'll be credible in the market. - So our plan is to do stupid things until we appear credible? Exactly. - GAAA!! MY LIFE IS A COMPLETE WASTE!! - Tomorrow I'll ask him why he's behind schedule. Very evil.
020915 -- Nicely done.
020916 -- Elbonia Air I don't see your reservation. - Maybe it's because all of our computers are cardboard props that we stole from a furniture store. - For security purposes, would you care to frisk me? Yes.
020917 -- In Elbonia Excuse me. My boss is cheap; can you direct me to a bad hotel? - I recommend the Bubonic Inn. It is so bad they will pay you to stay there. - What kind of fleas do you want in your mattress? Lazy ones.
020918 -- In Elbonia Yes, my company is so broke that our dress code is barrels... - But what we lack in fashion we make up for in...umm... - Did I already say lack of fashion?
020919 -- Our dress code policy will go back to business attire. - And I will keep changing the dress code until I find the clothing style that makes our profit go up! - Later, At the Sartorial Alchemy Lab Watch out. This might spark.
020920 -- Dilbert, meet a woman who acts peeved at any sort of question. - How are you? poink - HOW AM I??? Wow. I gotta show this to Wally.
020921 -- Grab your dental floss and follow me. I'll explain on the way. Okay. - The newly hired mutant is named "Peeved Eve." Wait until you see her peeved expression hee hee! - GAAA! PUBLIC FLOSSING!
020922 -- Full Service Broker - I'm Bob Weaselton, your full-service stockbroker. - There are two ways we can go here. - Option one: I act as if brokers know which stocks are better than others. - Then I'll earn your trust by comparing your portfolio to
020922 -- misleading benchmarks. - But I prefer a more direct approach. - Option two: I sell you whatever garbage earns me the biggest commission. - Would you do me a favor and lie to me? Nice haircut.
020923 -- I designed the user interface myself. How do you like the colors? - PUKE - Flu? Interface design.
020924 -- You have chronic Mahjobbis Crappus but that's not why you puked. - Have you been exposed to any user interfaces designed by engineers? Yes. - You have interface poisoning. You'll be dead in a week.
020925 -- I have one week to live. I've been poisoned by looking at a bad user interface design. - I see a lot of this. The only cure is to crowd out the ugly memory with images of staggering beauty. - Where would I... Drink it in, baby. And don't forget
020925 -- it.
020926 -- Norma's son finished three projects last year. You only did one. - His cubicle is a double-wide. And his CEO once said Hi to him in the elevator. - Thanks to you, my "Scrabble" night is a living hell. Do you still use counterfeit vowels?
020927 -- Why have you only finished one project at work this year? Norma's son did three. - You can't measure someone's worth by counting the number of projects he does. - Maybe we should track Roi instead. Why, because you're losing?
020928 -- In school, I was always the last kid picked to be on a team. - I need two people right now. I'll take Asok and...I'll keep looking. - So it's like a super power? Pretty much.
020929 -- Tell everyone I'll be there in a minute. sniff - What's all that sniffing about? Do you have a cold? Little one. - mmph - COUCH - GAAA!!! I TOOK A DIRECT HIT! - The cooties are burrowing into my skin. - I'M UNCLEAN!! - I hope that's what
020929 -- motivation looks like. Close enough.
020930 -- Dilbert, I want you to integrate our sales database with our inventory and finance systems. - The managers of those systems are a nitwit, an ogre, and a $#!|%, respectively. - And they know that two of them will be fired when this is complete.
020930 -- I can get that done in thirty years.
021001 -- Our project team is composed of a nitwit, an ogre, and a #$|%! - Which one of them is the nitwit? - You didn't bring donuts. May I eat the nitwit? Yes. Poor guy.
021002 -- My project is stalled because my nitwit hates my ogre, and my #$|%! won't do any work. - My ogre ate my nitwit and my #$|%! is trying to blame me for it. - Do you want to borrow my nitwit? No, I have a requisition in.
021003 -- We provide win-win scenarios and customer-focused solutions. - Uh...okay...but what is the actual product or service you sell? - We don't sell; we partner. I don't buy; I shovel.
021004 -- The Vendor that Couldn't Describe his Company's Product It integrates the resources... - to optimize the performance of technology. Yeah, but what is it. - Hey, if you don't want your resources to be integrated, just say so.
021005 -- Dilbert, put together a team to decide who'll be on the strategy council. - You want me to form a committee to create a committee that will produce a document that will be ignored? - No, it's a team to create a council. Can I be on the team
021005 -- that ignores the document?
021006 -- Wally, it's time for your annual performance review. - None of my usual words fit your situation. - So I had to hit the thesaurus pretty hard. - Your overall rating is "feral." - Your leadership skills are rated "squirrely." - And your teamwork
021006 -- is a solid "coot." - Your long-term potential is to die in the landscaping and become compost. - How'd it go? I wasn't really listening.
021007 -- A survey of your TV ad effectiveness shows that no one has heard of your company. - Your ad only says your name once, at the end of a boring commercial when viewers have drifted off. - I recommend throwing your ad money into a special kind of
021007 -- hole. When can we start?
021008 -- Ratbert, I need you to dig a huge rat hole, so companies can throw money in it. YES!!! - I might share some of the money with you. You had me at "hole." - When should I stop digging? When you smell feet.
021009 -- RAT HOLE May I throw money down the rat hole? Show me your business plan. - You plan pay huge investment banking fees to buy a low-margin, money-losing business... - For an extra fee, I'll push you in the hole and take your money. Oooh, sounds
021009 -- good.
021010 -- RAT HOLE I can't decide if I should throw 25 million dollars down a rat hole or... - ...buy a ride into space on a Russian rocket ship. - What about the poor? Do they have a rocket?
021011 -- Does anyone have a suggestion for reducing our inventory? - Let's sell it to our customers. - Would that work? Feel free to tell the board that it's your idea.
021012 -- My vacation starts in ten minutes. - I tied up all of my loose ends. I only need to walk out the door. - I told a reporter that we designed a computer made entirely of recycled paper.
021013 -- The three pillars of our pyramid are communication, integrity, and teamwork. - Question: Since when do pyramids have pillars? - Answer: Shut up. - Problem: All of my team members are idiots. - If I communicate my honest opinion of their ideas,
021013 -- I won't be a team player. - But if I pretend to agree with their bad ideas, I won't have integrity. - So instead of being a pyramid, can I be a two-legged stool like you? - Wow! That was much better than my pillar question. Aren't I on your
021013 -- team?
021014 -- If we can put a man on the moon, we can build a computer made entirely of recycled paper. - Your flawed analogy shows that other people can do other things. - Maybe you should call other people and ask how they do it. - Maybe they use good
021014 -- analogies.
021015 -- I asked Dilbert to lead the team in making a computer entirely from recycled paper. - HA HA HA!! YOU ARE TOTALLY DOOMED TO FAIL!! - Wally is teaching me to find joy in the misery of others. You're on my project team.
021016 -- zzzzz click click * send - Marketing Someone named Wally is telling us to launch the new product. - Or it might say to eat lunch with a penguin. It has a few typos. I already ate, so let's do the other thing.
021017 -- Can you come to the product-launch party next week? - No, I'll be working day and night for five years to build the product you think you're launching. - Something tells me you don't add much to a party. You haven't seen my mime impression.
021018 -- Does my latest assignment look impossible? - Let's see...you'd need to slow the speed of light, and perfect the art of human clothing... - So there's hope? Eliminate gravity, stop the sun, reanimate the dead...
021019 -- Can you help me weasel out of an impossible assignment? You came to the right place. - Gradually reword the objectives of the project until one day they match what you've already done. - Six Months Later I successfully analyzed the feasibility
021019 -- of discontinuing the project. Success!
021020 -- I did what? - You talked to my boss without my permission. - I don't remember reading a rule against that. - That's because it's an unwritten rule. - Unwritten you say? Hmm...isn't that interesting? I wonder why it's unwritten. - I would think
021020 -- you'd be proud to write down an excellent rule such as that. - But if you prefer to keep transmitting rules by ESP, your skull seems to be blocking the outgoing signals. If you're sending a new rule now, turn your head so it can come out your
021020 -- ear hole.
021021 -- Dogbert the Investment Banker Here's a deal sheet for a company you should buy. - They're defending against a trillion-dollar asbestos lawsuit, and they have no earnings. - But that's okay, because stock analysts don't dig that far into the
021021 -- minutiae.
021022 -- Dogbert the Investment Banker We have all of the elements to make the merger a success. - ...corrupt auditors, corrupt CFO, corrupt stock analysts, greedy bankers and clueless board members. - And you? What are you implying?
021023 -- Dogbert the Investment Banker I hired a weasel to teach you how to answer media questions. - No matter what the reporters ask, always give the same answer: "It will be good for stockholders." - Is it true that you ran over a stockholder in the
021023 -- parking lot? It'll be good for him.
021024 -- I worry that our upcoming merger is nothing but a huge scam on our stockholders. - BUWAHAHA-HAHAHA!! - I mean...it's accretive to earnings.
021025 -- This stockholder is suing us to stop the merger. Go rough her up. - This assignment disturbs me on may levels. Name one. - It will make the holidays tense. blah, blah blah.
021026 -- Mom, you have to drop your lawsuit against my company. They fight dirty. - Bring 'em on! I've been watching my "Tae Bo" videos! I'll dispatch their goons to hell! - They sent me. I'm their goon. After dinner, I'm going Billy Blanks on your
021026 -- butt!
021027 -- Thanks to an epic year of unethical behavior... - We need to do some rebranding  so that no one knows who we are. - I hired the Dogbert Consulting Company to help. - You can't fix your image all at once. I recommend starting with small
021027 -- improvements. - First, rename the company to Stinkingweasels Inc. - The new slogan will be "We Steal in Ways You've Never Even Heard Of." - For your spokesman, I recommend hiring a pirate with a diseased parrot. - No? We have standards. cough *
021028 -- Mom, I'll get fired unless you drop your lawsuit against my company, - Why do you work for a company that's managed by despicable weasels? - They tell me it's because I enjoy the challenge. I demand a DNA test.
021029 -- Dogbert the Attorney Your best defense is to say you were ignorant of your company's stock manipulation. - We need to convince a judge that you're dumber than chocolate pants at an outdoor Las Vegas Photography Convention. - I don't get that.
021029 -- E-e-excellent.
021030 -- I will prove that my client is too dumb to embezzle. - Or, failing that, I'll prove that you're too dumb to know he did it. - Mister Dogbert... Don't get me started about you.
021031 -- We find the defendant guilty and we sentence him to death. - Umm...we haven't deliberated. We haven't even heard any evidence yet. - Okay, so, what I'm hearing is that Leno's monologue is *not* evidence?
021101 -- Dogbert the Attorney Your honor, is it too late to change sides? - After hearing the evidence, I want to punish my client. No? - I expect some awkward silences during the next break.
021102 -- The court finds you guilty of defrauding stockholders. - You will serve your time in a place so horrible that it has no name. - Here's your roomie. burp
021103 -- We need to show more corporate social responsibility. - Okay, I'll cut your salary and give the extra money to poor people. - I was hoping we could hose the stockholders, not me. - That would hurt my stock options. What if we pollute less? -
021103 -- Yes, yes! That's what I'm talking about. We could pollute less! - Okay, take a bucket to the river and see how much of our sludge you can get out. - Where would I put it? - Is it just me or has the coffee improved? Zesty!
021104 -- Pointy-Haired Convict I've got to find a way to bust out out of this joint. - Try walking backward.  -Well, that didn't work...oh, I get it: This is a little joke you play on all the fresh meat.
021105 -- What happened while I was in jail? - Morale skyrocketed, profits soared, and for the first time, life had meaning. - It's just my lick that I'd miss those two days.
021106 -- Here's the temp you requested. - GAAA!!! NO HANDSHAKE! I'M AFRAID OF COMMITMENT!! - I won't need a chair. I like to stand in this position.
021107 -- I'm a temp with a fear of commitment. I keep one foot out the door. - Whatever. Just take care of this for me. It'll take ten minutes. - zip
021108 -- I've developed a new theory of intelligence that I call "Drop-By I.Q." - It's a measure of how long a drop-by visitor will stay in your cubicle when you're trying to work. - One hour and counting. ...and that's why I'm afraid of bananas.
021109 -- Don't give performance reviews on time. - Wait until an employee screws up something big, then pounce! - ...I forgot to unplug the demo unit and it burned down our customer's headquarters. Do you have a minute?
021110 -- And then I would end the presentation with this. - Whoa! I don't like the look of that background color. - Red says danger. We don't want to scare our customers. - Um...okay. How about yellow? - Yellow? Are we saying we're cowards? - What we
021110 -- need  is a committee to set some standards for background colors. - What we need is a meteor to pulverize you three pointy-haired, micromanaging nitwits. - If you didn't move your mouth, how did you get out? It came out of my ear hole.
021111 -- ...and I need it this afternoon. - Forget it! I'm a shorttimer. - I plan to sit in this chair and not move my arms or legs for a week. After that, I'll never work another day! - I hesitate to ask this, but I have an itch in an awkward place.
021112 -- Asok, go get the short-timer and push his chair to my office. Is he injured? - No, he refuses to move his arms or legs until retirement. - Are you a good example of what is called a "piece of work"? Except for the "work" part.
021113 -- The Short-Timer You're retiring soon, so you can give me honest feedback. - Wouldn't that be harder than doing absolutely nothing? - How about if I create the illusion of listening while I fantasize about fishing? Good enough.
021114 -- The Short-Timer How will you leave if you refuse to any major muscle groups until retirement? - I'm hoping someone will buy me a motorized wheelchair and lift me into it. - I would be willing to drag you to the curb. Face up?
021115 -- There's an emergency strategy meeting in five minutes. - I was all warm and cozy in my cubicle paradise. Why must you ruin it? - Can you hear the sound of me not caring?
021116 -- We need a clear strategy. Does anyone have a suggestion? - Let's figure out what makes us the most profit, and then do more of it. - It need to be less clear than that. Can it be illegal?
021117 -- The original schedule looked like this... - One month for a management decision and one year to do the project. decide->do - The revised schedule is this... - One year of indecision followed by intense pressure to do the impossible before the
021117 -- deadline indecision->no way - Now if you'll each take a pair of 3-D glasses... - You can see the layers of management incompetence practically jump out at you. - Now scratch one of these scented cards to sniff the unmistakable odor of doom. - I
021117 -- don't smell anything. Is mine broken?
021118 -- The marketing department wants you to build a device that turns customers into sheep. - Why? So they'll buy whatever we tell them to buy? - To be hones, we haven't given it much thought beyond free wool.
021119 -- My invention will turn people into mindless sheep. - I'm curious how you'll know it works I assume it's mostly a cosmetic change. - Dogbert, did you unplug it as I asked? Couldn't be bothered.
021120 -- A lab accident turned me into a sheep. - It's not all bad. In addition to being soft and warm, I never need to form opinions. - If you want some wool, just grab me and start shaving. I'll barely struggle. Cool!
021121 -- Before we start the meeting, I should explain how I turned into a sheep. - Why do people think their problems are interesting to other people? - I stepped in a puddle. I'M A FRICKEN SHEEP!!!
021122 -- ...and the next thing I knew, I'd be turned into a sheep. - On the bright side, I won't need to remind you to wear a sweater. - I was hoping for advice, not ridicule. No one likes a pushy sheep.
021123 -- You can reverse the sheep effect by signing up for a kickboxing class. - The change will happen quickly, so be prepared.  Umm...okay. - Suddenly I realize he meant "wear pants."
021124 -- I hate today...I hate today. - Wally's annual performance review. - Let's compare your objectives with...what the...? - Apparently your objectives are "play Computer Solitaire and drink coffee." - I hope you're learning a valuable lesson about
021124 -- reading documents before signing them. - Okay, we'll use what we have. How many games of Solitaire did you win? - Win? I didn't know you could win. Is that something new? - He made you the employee of the month? He thinks he signed a warning
021124 -- for my file.
021125 -- From now on, I plan to wear headphones in the office. - I'll be drumming my fingers and humming all day. I might even whistle. - I can't hear you. but I assume you're wishing me luck. Inconsiderate #%*!$
021126 -- OOPS, I DID IT AGAIN... - With headphones I sound exactly like Britney Spears. oops - I'd slap him but I don't want to touch him.
021127 -- The lower left part of my computer screen is defective. May I order a replacement? - That part of the screen is overrated. Try ignoring it. - May I vigorously bang my head on your desk? Sure. knock yourself out.
021128 -- Each of you will get a shirt as part of my war on waste program! - I wouldn't wear that shirt at home or in the office, so what good is... - HONK! Oh. Never mind.
021129 -- I sprained my arm using the TV remote control. - I tried to change the channel and the volume at the same time. - That's why you should always stretch first. Wally, who's your doctor?
021130 -- This is a guess, but I think your doctor is a vet. - I don't know about his military service. I just know he has great cookies. - And I like it when he rubs my belly. I know something you don't know.
021201 -- Dilbert, research this expense and find out what it's for. - It's only $2.37 . - It could take all day to track it down! - I'm a highly trained engineer, not a clerk. - How can you justify wasting a valuable employee like me on a trivial task
021201 -- like this?!! - That reminds me: your project got cancelled. This is your only assignment. - WOO-HOO! IN YOUR FACE!!! - I wonder if he'll find out I spent $2.37 on his "kudos" award.
021202 -- Human Resources is sending a designated firer to do layoffs. - If a stranger approaches your cubicle, it means you're toast! GAAA!!! - Hell-o-o-o, Carol. Can you show me where Ted sits? GAAA!!
021203 -- Hell-o-o-o, Ted. I'm the weasel of layoffs. - If there's any way I can make this experience more humiliating, don't hesitate to ask. - WHY, WHY ME??!! I'll tape a list of your defects to your old chair.
021204 -- Asok, take these project summaries and summarize them into one summary. - And when you're done, take that summary and summarize it. - What is a shorter word for doomed?
021205 -- So I told him to stop making motor noises with his lips. - Get the Scorpion King action figure away from your sister's Barbie!!! - Now she's also typing a personal message with her nose! It's a trifecta!
021206 -- I need you to do Ted's job and your own job until we hire someone. - If I do well, you'll make me do two jobs forever. If I do poorly, I'll get no raise. - I can't promise anything, but there might be some verbal praise down the road.
021207 -- Carol, tell those kids they can't skateboard in our parking lot. - Should I give them a reason, or is this part of your master plan to remove all joy from the universe? - They know about the plan. Fool! I told you to blame your insurance
021207 -- carrier!
021208 -- My vacation was great! - The sunsets were beautiful. The food was amazing. - Descriptions of your vacation serve no purpose. - I can neither see the sunsets nor taste the food. - It appears to be a selfish attempt to trigger happy memories for
021208 -- yourself at my expense. - Okay, Buster! When my seven rolls of film get developed... - YOU'RE OUT OF THE LOOP!!! - That worked out better than I hoped.
021209 -- My magnetic-cancellation wheel will create unlimited free energy. - BUWAHAHA!!! I will use this technology to rule the world!!! - Um...it's not yours. What time are you going to bed?
021210 -- My dream was to someday decompose and become fossil fuel. - But Dilbert's cruel invention will make fuel unnecessary. Now my life has no purpose! - You can be my disposable evil lackey. I-I-I can?
021211 -- We'll artificially boost revenues by selling to our own offshore subsidiary. - Then we'll book our expenses as capital, lie to the media about our prospects, bribe an industry analyst, and cash out! - I know I'm doing something right when my
021211 -- business practices gag a rat. aak aak aak
021212 -- The reporter from moneybags magazine is here. Send him in. - Are you planning to ask my employees if my claims are true? Nah, too lazy. - I credit my success to the foot massages I personally give to each employee. Cover story!
021213 -- I sold my stock and made billions before driving my company into bankruptcy. - Now I do the weasel dance. Hoo-ah! Yee-ha! Woo-woo-woo! - Would it kill you to clap and sing along?
021214 -- Then they rip out your ego and put you in a box until you rot!! GAAA!! - You'll never know if you're dead or if you've simply  envying the dead!! - How was "Career Day"? Kids these days are afraid of work.
021215 -- Dilbert, I want you to write a letter to our new customer. - I'll tell you what to say, then you'll go write it and I'll sign it. - This way I won't waste my valuable executive time. It's efficient. - Yes, that's one possible outcome. Here's
021215 -- another. - You'll keep forgetting to mention important things that should be in the letter. - I'll be trapped in an endless loop of writing, tracking you down, getting criticized and starting over. - Or you could simply write the letter
021215 -- yourself and save us both a huge hassle. - I paragraph one, say something like "Hi."
021216 -- I calculated the impact of work on my health and life expectancy. - At my current workload, do ing two people's jobs, I have...six months to live. - Remind me in five and a half months so I can shop for a card.
021217 -- Estate Planning I expect to work myself to death in six months, so I need a will. - Are you mentally incompetent? - I don't think so. Okay then, I'll remove my name from the list of beneficiaries.
021218 -- Estate Planning You can avoid probate costs by creating a living trust. - So...I can use an inconvenient system created by lawyers to avoid a worse system created by lawyers? - According to my watch, that witty observation cost you four
021218 -- dollars.
021219 -- I'm well on my way to an early death from overworking. - I expect a visit from the grim reaper any day now. - You don't look grim. Unlike you, I love my job.
021220 -- I was a grim reaper until I started taking antidepressants. - I still reap, because I like the work, but I'm not grim. Deat - Am I dead? No, I'm over my limit today, so I'm doing catch-and-release.
021221 -- Technically, I was dead for eight minutes. - I don't know why I wasn't afraid. - Oh.
021222 -- THE ADVENTURES OF PAUL OOSHEN* (*say it fast) - Aaah...the scent of a hog farm in a rainstorm. - Oil for fingers. - Onion sandwich. - Annoying nasal sounds. sniff snort - Leaky coffee mug. I'm ready for my meeting. - YES! YES! I AGREE TO
021222 -- EVERYTHING! PLEASE LEAVE!! - I didn't even need to lean over her keyboard with my sugar doughnut.
021223 -- Come work out with me. We don't have a company gym. - Try having a conversation with Jim the security guard; it's totally exhausting! - ...but a cow is not entirely full of milk; some of it is Hamburgers!
021224 -- I plan to sell an anti-itch lotion that's really just honey. - I'll put a tiny disclaimer on the bottle that says, "might cause itching." - That's not nice. And then I'll sell my customer list to bears.
021225 -- I got a award! - "The 'Family-Haters Association' is proud to give you this award for your anti-family practices." - I hope no one reads it.
021226 -- Quit staring. I overslept and now I have a bad case of bed hair. - I'm confused. Surely it would have gone back to normal after your shower. - Please do not unleash the unhygienic fist of death!
021227 -- Performance Review You did two jobs for a year and did them well. - I have no budget for raises, so all I can offer is an attaboy. - The problem is: I don't want to cheapen the whole attaboy system.
021228 -- I can monitor all employee E-Mail from here. - I'm looking for recently estranged lovers so I can promote one of them over the other. - Why is my new job title a long string of curse words? I win.
021229 -- Carol, call the police. My car has been stolen. - Is it like the last three times that you thought it had been stolen? - And later you realized that you just forgot where you parked it? - No, this time is different. My car is totally gone. -
021229 -- Watch me use my magic powers to make your car reappear in the parking lot. - PRESTO AUTO REAPPEARO!!! - After all the other cars leave the parking lot, your car will reappear. - Freaky.
021230 -- Make your "Power-Point" presentation so boring that our CEO will slip into a trance. - Then I'll whisper to him subliminal suggestions to increase our budget. - More budget. Kill the pointy-haired monster.
021231 -- Bob will demonstrate our new biometric security system. - The system checks for pulse, heat and fingerprints to identify each employee. - It says I don't have any of those things. Are you the one they call Wally?
030101 -- For thousands of generations the males in my family practiced selective breeding. - The goal was to produce offspring that leave no biometric impression: no pulse, no fingerprints, no DNA. - Why? We like to ask "Why not?"
030102 -- My plan is to sell low-cost videophones to dimwitted identical twins. - I'll even throw in free long-distance calling because that's the kind of guy I am. - Gaaa!!! What are you doing at my girlfriend's house???
030103 -- A reporter wants to see you. - He claims we've been delivering all of our garbage to the local park for twenty years. - How is that even possible? The secret is in the spreading.
030104 -- Investigative Reporter Explain why your company dumps garbage in the park. - And why do you drive such a huge, wasteful vehicle? - I need you to scrape something off my tires and take it to the park.
030105 -- Dilbert, I got a new member for your project team. - My name is Ron but everyone calls me Mo. I don't know why. - Mo, why is your shirt on backward? - WHAT??! AGAIN??! - Stand back. I'll try to fix it by quickly turning around. - AAAGH! HU-AAH!
030105 -- - Oh, great. Now Dilbert is gone. I must have entered another dimension. - Please tell me that his pay is lower than mine. I love this part.
030106 -- I need your self-evaluation so I can write your performance review. - Remember to rate yourself on our core values of honesty and integrity. - Wally claims he did no work this year. But he's dishonest, so you can't be sure.
030107 -- All shredders are being centralized at our corporate headquarters. - If you need something shredded, give it to Asok. - Dude, I think he meant you would take it to the shredders. mouth...so...dry
030108 -- How do I make this software schedule one person to two tasks at the same time? - I can write a patch that inserts new months in the timeline. - And the second task is due on the fifteenth of Floopuary.
030109 -- We're going to try something called extreme programming. - First, pick a partner. The two of you will work at one computer for forty hours a week. - The new system is a minute old and I already hate everyone.
030110 -- Extreme Programming I can't give you all of these features in the first version. - And each feature needs to have what we call a "user story." - Okay, here's a story: you give me all of my features or I'll ruin your life.
030111 -- Extreme Programming The two of you will be a code-writing team. - Studies prove that two programmers on one computer is the most productive arrangement. - Sometimes I can whistle through both nostrils. I've saved a fortune in harmonicas.
030112 -- I thought of a great idea. - You could let the project managers manage their own budgets...what? - You're giving me a look. I must try to guess what it means. - We don't do things that way? If it were a good idea you'd already be doing it? - My
030113 -- ideas are poorly conceived? I can't see the big picture?! - GAAA!!! I AM IGNORANT AND WORTHLESS!! - I MUST PUMMEL MYSELF WITH MY OWN TINY FISTS!! ow! ow! - They're kinda self-managed now. - Very evil; I purr in your general direction.
030114 -- The Consultick He'll do more than give us bad advice... - He'll also make sure we can't implement it without him. - Ha ha! Now he's burrowing into my torso, and I've convinced myself it's okay.
030115 -- It looks like you need "Dogbert's Consultant Removal Service." - He's in there good. You must be losing a lot of cash. - It already spread to your wallet. I'll have to operate immediately.
030116 -- I can either save your life or the consultant's life, but one of you will die. - Give us a moment to discuss it. - He recommends that you kill me.
030117 -- The consultectomy was successful, but you lost a lot of cash. - We're giving your wallet a transfusion, bur we had to sedate an unwilling donor. - Whoever thought of happy hour at a hospital ish a geniush.
030118 -- Wally, would you... - Oh...never mind. I see that you're radiating an aura of extreme incompetence. - You forgot to turn off your aura. It takes a minute to cool down.
030119 -- Can your department do this for us? No problem. - Really? It's outside of your normal scope of work and I know you're overloaded. - We're a flexible, client-driven organization! - Wally, how can I avoid projects that are outside of my scope and
030119 -- responsibility? - Cheerfully accept the assignments and then never work on them. - It bolsters your claims of being overloaded while leaving you free for work that matters. - Work matters? Well, not to us. - I'm not even sure what they want.
030119 -- I'll start ignoring it immediately.
030120 -- I work for an unethical company. Does that make me a bad person? - You're a loathsome and despicable. If crud wore shoes, you would be the crud in the crud's shoes. - Why did that seem rehearsed? That's all I think about when we go for walks.
030121 -- I'm putting you in charge of building our new technology lab. - Pick the contractor with the lowest bid. I don't foresee any problems with that strategy. - So, your bid says you'll do the job for "...a chance to gnaw on wood." Too high?
030122 -- Your construction bid is the lowest, so I have to award you the job. - When can your team of highly skilled craftsmen begin? I'll call you. - Day one: My ex-wife set my truck on fire.
030123 -- The project is behind schedule because our contractor is a lazy beaver. - For a while he was making up excuses. Now, he doesn't return calls. What's your plan? - I hope to get him back to making up excuses by promising him more jobs in the
030123 -- future.
030124 -- We need to upgrade our PC operating systems, so we have a stable environment for applications. - Think of it as a form of taxation by an evil shadow government. - Shadow government? That's ridiculous. Shut up and pay me.
030125 -- For only a million dollars, you can upgrade to our newest software version. - Of you can slowly decompose in the miasma of our planned obsolescence. - We can't afford to upgrade now. Say goodbye to the digits three and nine.
030126 -- Dilbert, come here for a minute. - I need to talk to you about...ring ring - He's giving me the "wait" signal. - I have nothing to look at, nothing to fiddle with, nothing to do. - I'll try thinking about how my mind controls my muscles. -
030126 -- Uh-oh...I'm getting too conscious of my muscles and it's freaking me out. - GAAA!!! I'VE LOST MY MIND-BODY CONNECTION!! - The problem with engineers is that they don't idle well.
030127 -- I'm bailing out of your project; it has the scent of failure. - I will attach myself to a more successful host to ensure my survival. - Do you have a pill for someone who gets rejected by Wally? Q loser pill?
030128 -- In response to your continuous harping about not having enough funding... - I hired an expensive consultant to analyze your budget. - I'll have to run some chaos and complexity simulations, but it looks as if you need more money.
030129 -- I call my invention the "Visibuddy." - It's a mindless replica that can attend meetings and increase my visibility. - Am I working hard or hardly working? Do you golf? Nice guy.
030130 -- Your visibility has been excellent lately. What's your secret? - I created a mindless replica to attend meeting. He has no personality whatsoever. - Wow! You look totally real. Hee hee! Burn, dude.
030131 -- Would it be okay if I asked your mindless replica for a date? - I'm full of uninteresting stories and I need a guy who's a good listener. - Now I'll describe the clothing of each person at the cat show. THUNK!
030201 -- We saved money by hiring a guy who's had many personal problems. - But we're sure he was just unlucky; no one would invite that many problems into his life. - Yes, of course your ex-boyfriend can stay with us until the choppers leave and he
030201 -- sobers up.
030202 -- Your budget is wrong. You forgot maintenance. - Why do you engineers always think you're right? - I anticipated your reaction and I came prepared. - Here's a list of every disagreement we've had. - And here are the audio clips of the outcomes,
030202 -- in your own voice. - you're right, Dilbert...you're right...I guess you're right...I'm wrong...you're right...you're right. - Let me see that for a second. - To an engineer, everyone looks like a chimp. oo!! oo!! oo!!
030203 -- It's a mild rash. I'll scribble an indecipherable prescription for you. - What if your bad handwriting causes the pharmacy to give me a harmful medication? - That's a little thing I call marketing.
030204 -- I can't read your doctor's handwriting. - I'll give you this mood-altering drug to make you happy. - I have a skin rash! And it's making you unhappy, right?
030205 -- I'm taking a mood-altering prescription drug to treat a skin rash. - I still itch, but I don't care. In fact, I don't even think you're a huge, stinkin' weasel. - I love you! You da man! Remind me to cancel your health benefits.
030206 -- My project is a flaming death spiral, thanks to you lazy, selfish weasels. - But I'm feeling terrific because I'm taking mood-altering prescription drugs! - I can see by your expressions that my doctor is much better than yours! Hoo-wah!
030207 -- My prescription drugs make me happy, but I worry that it's not genuine happiness. - Ask your doctor for a drug that cures worrying. Then you'll have it all. - It might make you grow an exoskeleton, but you won't care. Cool.
030208 -- My medication makes me carefree and happy, but the side effect is an exoskeleton. - Remember the old saying - "beauty is only bone deep." Hee Hee - But enough about me. I don't want to look shellfish. You had a chance until the pun.
030209 -- My new design will meet all of our customers' current and future needs. - That's no good; they'll never need to upgrade. - Please don't ask me to put flaws in my design. - Flaws would work. We need flaws. Flaws, flaws, flaws. - Please...no... -
030209 -- Make it freeze every hour. The interface needs to be more confounding. And.. - Later Please...no more. ...and crippling electric shocks. - Much, much later The help screen could recommend marrying an unemployed, shirtless guy with a mullet. *That's*
030209 -- marketing!
030210 -- My medication makes me happy despite my Exoskeleton, bad job, and social life. - If chemicals can change the way I think and what I enjoy, then free will must be an illusion. - What about your soul? I'm an engineer.
030211 -- I heard you had a cold. It wasn't a cold. - I was addicted to prescription drugs and I grew an Exoskeleton. I've been in Rehab and surgery for six months. - Just to be clear: Can I catch any of that by touching the coffeemaker after you?
030212 -- Evil H.R. Director I need to check a few things before we hire you. - Give me blood, hair, and urine samples, fingerprints, social-security number, past employers, and past lovers. - Before we started doing all of this checking, did you know
030212 -- that everyone in the world was despicable?
030213 -- Evil H.R. Director Evil ring - I'm sorry, I can't give references for ex-employees. - But if I did, it would rhyme with "mazy loron."
030214 -- From now on, I want you to stagger your lunch hours so someone is always here. - Gaaa! As the lowest person in the pecking order, I will never know in advance when I can eat!! - Sheesh, take a pill. It is the end of errands as I know them!!
030215 -- The good news is that half of you will get huge raises. - The bad news is that half of you will be downsized tomorrow. - Is it the same people? Yeah, we ran the numbers.
030216 -- Do you want to watch a numbing? You know I do! - Where is it? Cubicle 1S950. - Are you going to the numbing? You know we are! - What is a numbing? - It's the moment that an employee's brain numbs to the pain of working here. - It's actually
030216 -- quite beautiful. No two are alike. - I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!! GAA!! GAA!! OOH What the...? - It's okay - he's in a happy place now.
030217 -- ring Excuse me while I take this call. Okay. - Excuse me while I hate your inconsiderate guts. - No, nothing important. Excuse me while I imagine crushing your head.
030218 -- Catbert: Evil H.R. Director From now on, the company will allow flex time. - You can work any hours you like, as long as you're here from eight to five. - That's called unpaid overtime. And you need to be flexible to do that to yourself, right?
030219 -- If you hire me, I'll work a hundred hours a week and never ask for a raise! - I went to school at a top-secret facility for super geniuses; that's why it's not on my resume. - And I'm sure it's all true because he says he's honest! Apparently
030219 -- it doesn't take one to know one.
030220 -- My fantasy is to own a luxury motor coach. - I'd drive it to work and sleep all day in the parking lot. It would be like paradise. - That's your best fantasy? It would also have a TV, in case I woke up.
030221 -- Do you have any customer references i could call? Right here. - beep beep boop beep R-R-RING  - No answer. r-r-ring Try again when I'm in the parking lot.
030222 -- We'll save money by outsourcing our I.T. function. - Then we'll save more money by replacing our outsourcing with full-time employees! - When it's time for us to panic, will there be a warning sound, or was that it?
030223 -- Carol, come to my strategy meeting. - You're only a secretary, but I value your input. - I'M AN ADMINISTRATIVE ASSISTANT!!! - Chip. Bad secretary. - Does anyone have any strategic ideas for global domination? - The engineers keep using our
030223 -- coffee filters as popcorn bags. That has to stop. - If you ordered enough filters, I wouldn't need to use the foot of my pantyhose to make coffee every day! - I'm adding that to the list of thing I don't want to talk about.
030224 -- I have an assignment for you that has no value whatsoever to the company. - For reasons of company politics, I need to pretend I'm doing something in this area. - So, you're doing *actual* work. What's that all about?
030225 -- I have an appointment to see a demo of your new product. - And the unit will be in a case like this, but completely different, and it will have software, once we write it. - You let me travel four hours to see an empty case? Are you forgetting
030225 -- the blank CD?
030226 -- How often would would you charge us this "annual fee"? - Is that a joke? Sadly, no. - Once a month. Sounds fair.
030227 -- Dilbert, meet your new co-worker, Toxic Tom. - He complained about his last job all through his interview. But he'll be happy here. - He says he thinks you're stupid because you ask too many questions.
030228 -- The Toxic Co-Worker You wouldn't believe what people are saying about you. - I tried to defend you. I said you look slow only because you're bloated. - But what ticks me off id that everyone in the department earns more than you do.
030301 -- We demand that you fire our toxic co-worker. - You aren't talking about me, are you? - No, you're intellectual with an overlay of selfish. And I hate the toxic guy?
030302 -- This is Dogbert's Tech Support. How may I abuse you? - Finally!! It took me an hour to penetrate your inscrutable audio menu system! - Then I waited in queue for forty minutes! - My problem is that my computer keeps freezing...not so fast. - I
030302 -- need to know your name, address, phone number, operating system, E-Mail address, serial numbers, software versions and video drivers. - Then I'll put you in queue for the low-level technician who can only tell you to reboot. - He'll ask you the
030302 -- same questions for reasons that will baffle you. - But eventually you'll solve my problem, right? Sure, if your problem is too much optimism.
030303 -- You don't respond to my E-Mail anymore. - When I reply to E-Mail, it attracts more E-Mail. I'm trying to break the vicious cycle. - Well...I'll leave you voice-mails. Let me know how that works out for you.
030304 -- Our facilities management says the new statue by the front entrance isn't a statue. - It's an unlucky guy named Karl who had been warned many times not to feed the birds. - Then it talks about statistical clustering...blah, blah, blah...and
030304 -- serving as an example.
030305 -- I've decided to add chronic lateness to my repertoire. - I'll start with the classic excuses: car problems, traffic, and misplaced items. Then I'll branch out. - You're the mayor of Loserville. Don't jinx it.
030306 -- A man from "Loser Magazine" wants to see you. - He said something about featuring you on the cover. Send him over. - I tried, but he keeps going into the break room and napping. I hate show-offs.
030307 -- Wally, I'd like to interview you for "Loser Magazine." Okay. - Do you have a pen? Wow. These are easy questions. - I mean, may I borrow your pen? No, you look like a chewer.
030308 -- Your story is perfect for "Loser Magazine." - It makes me wish I'd written it down because I'm already forgetting...oops, it's gone. - I'll just make up something that sounds good. And I'll use photos of a model. Thanks, Willy. I'm famous!
030309 -- I call my invention the "Eargarette." - It's a cigarette for your ear! - It allows non-smokers to take smoking breaks. - Is there any downside? What? - Never mind. - We've been working for fifteen minutes straight. I need an eargarette break. -
030309 -- What? What? What? - Ear mint? Two, please.
030310 -- Would you like to buy some life insurance? - Exclusions: self-inflicted wounds, pre-existing illness, criminal acts, war, dangerous sports, smoking... - Much Later That Day ...and pistol duels resulting from quilting bees. No one reads it,
030310 -- freak!
030311 -- Carol, where's my ten o'clock? - He said he'd be late because you're a moron and he doesn't respect you. - Did you tell him I was stuck in traffic? It's not always about you.
030312 -- Why isn't my cell phone working? - That's a short-range cell phone. You need to be in the same room with the person you call. - Answer the stinkin' phone, Alice. Why are you listening to a TV remote control?
030313 -- Wally has been researching Greek words to name our new product. - All I have is Zeus, and Parthenon, and the word "Greek" itself. - I understand they have a word for a sports event, too. I'm trying to track that down.
030314 -- My company is moving to a "Just In Time" inventory strategy. You'll deliver when we need it. - So...your success depends on my company doing what it promises? You have my deepest sympathy. - I feel a sharp, stabbing pain in my chest. And so it
030314 -- begins.
030315 -- A customer keeps asking when we'll deliver the stuff they bought. When will we? - Never. You lied to them to get their business. - You took their money and gave them nothing. Do you know what that makes you? The winner!
030316 -- I see some new faces. Let's go around the table and introduce ourselves. - I am Asok, the intern. - I report to you. - But I also report to Alice on a dotted line. - And I report to Carol on a fuzzy, thin line. - I have a blinking, irregular
030316 -- line to Wally, and a wavy, brown line to Dilbert. - Pleas...make this stop. - And a disturbing, imaginary line to a food-service cashier who touched my hand while giving change.
030317 -- Let's brainstorm ideas for "Employee Morale-Enhancement Day." - We could play "Pin The Tail On The Pointy-Haired Weasel Whose Breath Smells Like Feet." - We might need more morale-enhancement days. How about this weekend when I'm not here?
030318 -- Marketing Genius We designed a rebate program that won't cost a penny. - The rebate process is an impenetrable fortress of unclear instructions and physical impossibilities. - Next we have to find the hidden 300-digit serial number and write it
030318 -- in a box that's half an inch long. Stinkin' weasels.
030319 -- The department that cuts costs the most will get our CEO as its secretary for a day. - I'm deeply offended by the implication that my job is so trivial that it can be used as a prize. - Maybe you can train him to phone your kids and yell at
030319 -- them. NOT FUNNY!!
030320 -- Our department won the cost-cutting contest, so our CEO will yo your job for a day. - I feel like a failure...darkness fills my days...I dream of the grave. - This is less motivating than I'd hoped. I'll never be loved again!!
030321 -- I'll design the system as soon as you give me the user requirements. - Better yet, you could build the system, then I'll tell your boss that it doesn't meet my needs. - I don't mean to frighten you, but you'll have to do some actual work.
030321 -- That's crazy talk.
030322 -- I can't start the project because the user won't give me his requirements. - Start making something anyway. Otherwise we'll look unhelpful. - So, our plan is to cleverly hide our competence. You think too much.
030323 -- Jimmy will explain our new marketing strategy. - A study of past customers shows that 96% of them have flu symptoms. - Apparently, sick people are the most likely to buy from us. We don't know why. - So we redesigned our ad campaign to appeal
030323 -- to sick people. - You're confusing cause and effect. Your study shows that our products *mak* people sick. - Alice, let's not reinvent a dead horse. - Suddenly nothing makes sense...I must have slipped into the meeting duh-mension! - This
030323 -- usually lasts about ten minutes. Floating...scared...darkness...
030324 -- There's no budget for your project; you need to tin-cup it. What? - Be like a beggar and aske ach department to give you a bit of their budget. - Well, now that you've laughed your guts out, do you feel better? ERK!
030325 -- They believe in Feng Shui. They believe in the pet psychic. - This suggests an excellent new career for me. - The furniture psychic is here. He says my wastebasket is in love with my desk.
030326 -- Furniture Psychic Your old chair has passed to the other side. - He says you'll know what this means: "squeak, squeak." YES - Your desk says, "thanks for the gum." I need closure!
030327 -- You have to stop telling people that you can talk to furniture. It's not right. - You work for a company that actively misleads customers. How's that different? - We call it marketing, and we don't wear hats. The table says you're a hypocrite.
030328 -- I took the initiative and made a list of people you could downsize. - This is just the department phone list with your name covered up. - That's the sort of efficiency that kept me off the list.
030329 -- You fool! How could you be so stupid? - You fool! How could you be so stupid? - You stupid coffee mug!!
030330 -- Our CEO will be joining us in a minute. - As usual, he'll be making an awkward attempt to seem like "just plain folk." - Excuse me - is this ordinary chair available for an average guy like me? - I'll roll up my sleeves and get to work. I'm not
030330 -- too good for real work. - I have a secretary, but it's almost as if *I* work for *her*. Ha ha! It's ironic. - Last weekend I wore blue jeans and drove a tractor! - Sir, your helicopter is here to take you to your island fortress for the fox
030330 -- hunt. - Itty bitty fortress. The interns are already in full fox costumes.
030331 -- Dogbert the Headhunter Let me tell you how good my CEO placements have been. - An astonishing fifty percent of them have performed better than the other half! - If you're on a budget, I recommend one of our stuffed CEO units with a "Magic 8
030331 -- Ball Head".
030401 -- Dilbert, meet your new team member, Peri Noid. - Why haven't you invited me to a meeting? Who's filing your head with lies? - Your hand is soft and clammy! Are you the undead?!! Engineer.
030402 -- Peri Noid We'll have the data by Tuesday. How do you know that? - You must be getting invited to meetings and then saying, "don't invite Peri." - Would it be wrong to enjoy this opportunity? PLOTTING!! RIGHT THERE!!!
030403 -- Repair defective co-workers. - She's paranoid about not being invited to meetings. Can you fix her? Nope. - Can I trade her in? Would you like a liar, a moron, or a whistler?
030404 -- You can't repair a defective co-worker. - The best you can do is trade for a co-worker whose defects you haven't yet discovered. - What's wrong with this one? He parts his hair in the middle; that's just wrong.
030405 -- Carol, this is our new guy, Harry Middlepart. - I don't approve of your hairstyle. I forbid you to be near my workspace. - She's not good people.  THE SEVENTIES CALLED. THEY WANT THEIR HAIR BACK!!
030406 -- Who left their pen at my desk? - I'd better send a companywide E-Mail to find out. - It's blue, with black ink. It's approximately a year old. send* - I can't believe you're wasting everyone's time with this! - Stop using the "reply to all"
030406 -- feature, you morons! - Wait...I think this might be my pen. I'd better send a correction. - We missed a bid deadline because our E-Mail system was overloaded. Layoffs. - Send this list to human resources. Do I look like I'm made of time?!!
030407 -- This is Dogbert the Headhunter. I noticed that your company's stock is up today. - As CEO, you can take credit for random upturns and make millions by changing jobs. - Ha, ha! Yes, it's legal. In fact, if you write a book, your victims will buy
030407 -- it!
030408 -- Dogbert the Headhunter We'll need to reword the CEO section of your resume. - For example, there's never a right time to use the word "plundered." - And instead of "suckers ignored our P/E ratio," say you "enhanced stockholder value." Wow.
030408 -- You're good.
030409 -- You need a body double. They're popular with the most successful despots. - If someone tries to ambush you into making a decision, the double will take the hit. - I want you to think of this as your own personal dress code.
030410 -- Asok, as my new body double, your job is to walk into ambushes. - If someone tries to trap you into being helpful, do what I would do. - What would you do? I'd get a body double.
030411 -- I'm leaving early, in case I have a dental appointment or whatnot. - Walk amongst the cubicles until 7 P.M. and scowl at anyone who isn't working. - Nice scowl. I feel slightly menaced.
030412 -- We named the product "Generous Mistro" because it conducts an orchestra of data. - Can you believe the domain name "Geneousmistro" wasn't already been taken? - Is the spelling meant to be ironic? Why do you ask?
030413 -- I'm taking my business case to some venture capitalists. - I'm hoping that their wisdom and resources will make it a billion-dollar company. - Would you like some free stock? BAH! - What would I do without the support of my loved ones? - What
030413 -- would the cash flow look like if... - ...revenue was zero, Microsoft and IBM entered the market, your factory burned down and a piano fell on your head? - And what about civil unrest, lawsuits, natural disasters and locusts? - ...then the little
030413 -- one slapped me. Now re-e-el them in.
030414 -- Our VP is mad because people are leaving work too early. - If you need to leave early, don't walk past his office. Go to the roof and leap into the "dumpster" in the alley. - Leadership triumphs again.
030415 -- A co-worker who shall remain nameless has accused you of unspecified shortcomings. - Your accuser has been placed in the witness protection program. - You have a program for that? Actually, I just forget who says that.
030416 -- Asok, your work has been excellent all year. - I'm rating you "poor" so I'll have a paper trail in case I ever need to fire you. - You'll probably feel a a little surge of motivation because you got feedback.
030417 -- Dilbert, this is Irene. I don't yet know what her defect is. - STOP BEING RUDE TO ME, YOU PIECE OF DIRT!!! - I'm thinking: mood swings. - We're like family now.
030418 -- You're an engineer; maybe you can tell me what kind of digital camera I should buy. - Would you ask a doctor for free advice? - I got a complete physical by the appetizer. Yeah, I'm never off duty.
030419 -- So Ted has been training you for the past six months. - Based on your work, I'd say he's playing the world's longest practical joke on you. - Sometimes there's a fine line between criminally abusive behavior and fun.
030420 -- Here's your script for the meeting. Script? - My boss sees me only twice a year. I want everything to go smoothly. - In act one, scene two, when I proclaim my admiration for your leadership... - What's my motivation? - Employment. Good, good. -
030420 -- And it would help if your eyes were moist when you deliver the line. - I'll put a sliced onion in my shirt pocket. - Hello, underling, how is your morale?
030421 -- You're creating a hostile work environment. - It's like there's continuous pressure on me to work. - But I'm only one person; I can't work and drink coffee! I'm cutting you back to forty cups a day.
030422 -- Wally, I'm sending you to a coffee rehab program. GAAA!!! - They'll get you down to forty cups a day. Not double digits!!! - YOU MONSTER!!! I WON'T SURVIVE!!! If you're lucky.
030423 -- Coffee Rehab No soda, no tea, no chocolate. - You're allowed one piece of luggage and you have to carry it yourself. - I might want to take a look inside that bag.
030424 -- Coffee Rehab State your name and how long you've been without coffee. - I am going to rip off your little beard and beat you to death with it. - Don't panic...wait...wait... And then I'll...um...zzzzzzz zzzzz zzz.
030425 -- Wally, congratulations on finishing the coffee rehab program. - Our recidivism rate isn't too hot. Our critics blame our location. - Starbucks World Headquarters Who's swimming in our vat?
030426 -- Our breakthrough came when we distributed the processor load. - It's about time that you took my advice! Hallelujah! Good for you! - If laser pointers were light sabers, you'd be looking for your torso. Ha ha! You're using my joke! Good one!
030427 -- We've expanded our customer disservice program. - ...doubled our unhelpful technical support advice. - ...stretched our telephone hold times to lethal dimensions... - ...and cleansed our online support database of all useful articles. - Our
030427 -- goal is to force customers to form support groups. - Over time, with luck, we'll train customers to do our manufacturing and shipping, too. - May I train a customer to do my job? Sure. - So...what do I do? You're doing it.
030428 -- How many business cards should I order? It depends. - I use a complex formula based on your burn rate and your likelihood of getting downsized. - I use about three per week. You'll need three cards.
030429 -- I'm seeing signs that I might get laid off. - It's probably your imagination. Just ignore them. I have to admit that I like it when they're jumpy. --->You might be next.
030430 -- You can survive the next round of layoffs by sacrificing a co-worker. - You must make your boss believe that someone is a worse employee than you. - Ted, let me explain revenue: it's like your embezzlement, but it's directed at customers.
030501 -- I have an unimportant project, so I thought of you. - Find a bunch of inspirational quotes that we can put on the lobby walls. - "If being an eagle is such a good idea, why are there so few of them?"
030502 -- I've been asked to collect inspirational quotes for the lobby wall. - Get out of my cubicle, you freakish waste of carbon. - That'll look good over the elevators.
030503 -- As requested, I pulled together some inspirational quotes for our lobby wall. - Hannibal Lecter...The Donner Party...uh...Wally, most of these people are cannibals. - It was probably a mistake to do this assignment on an empty stomach.
030504 -- Wally, can you teach me to work smarter, not harder? - Grab an important-looking document and follow me. - Walk briskly and pretend to be angry about what you're reading. grrrr... - Hey, Asok, would you help me...? grrr grrr Never mind. - As a
030504 -- rule, people try to avoid anyone who has more problems than they do. - Lesson two: make sure your shirt and your toothpaste are the same color. - This baby is covered with toothpaste stains, but you'd never know it. Wow! - And how often do you
030504 -- need to launder a shirt that smells minty? NEVER!
030505 -- I think my head is getting heavier from all the new thoughts. - I plan to compensate by propping it up with my arm during meetings. - Some people think you have no goals. - Long term, I hope to be a stamp.
030506 -- Elbonia has gotten a bad reputation. We need your help to rebuild our image. - The problem began when we discovered a civilization of leprechauns living under the mud. - Now they're our primary export. But we underestimated the vegetarian
030506 -- backlash.
030507 -- P.R. for Elbonia The media give you a bad rap for exporting leprechaun meat. - Our ad campaign will feature a leprechaun explaining that they enjoy being eaten. - Elbonians are our best friends. Now excuse me while I tenderize myself.
030508 -- P.R. for Elbonia You need to buy some influence in Washington. - It sounds expensive, but it's a lot more affordable than you'd think. - Gum? You got *my* vote!
030509 -- Double the revenue estimates and make sure the research supports it. - But...but...it's too late! The research is done, and it won't support higher revenue! - Your stress is from a combination of drive-by management and a flashlight in your
030509 -- eyes.
030510 -- I'm a victim of drive-by management. - He sprayed my cubicle with irrational orders and waddled away. - Heh-heh, waddle is a funny word. I feel your empathy slipping away.
030511 -- Uh-oh...don't make eye contact with that guy. Why not? - Ernie is an unpackageable. - Last year, the company offered a generous severance package to people who volunteered to leave. - Ernie volunteered. He imagined a life of retired bliss
030511 -- outside this company. - But too many people volunteered. In a cruel twist of fate, Ernie was forced to keep his job. - Now he's nothing but an organic vessel for transporting self-pity. - I COULD HAVE BEEN FISHING!!! WAAA!!! - You looked? I
030511 -- tried to warn him.
030512 -- Write a rebuttal to this technical recommendation so I can reject it. - I can't write a rebuttal to my own recommendation! - ...the I  had to write myself up for insubordination. Mock yourself and go to bed.
030513 -- I've hired Phil, the ruler of heck, to act as devil's advocate. - I'm not certified to do devil's work. The best I can do is roll my eyes and be sarcastic. - Okay...moving on... Oh yeah, this is a good time to move on.
030514 -- The corner cubicle opened up. I plan to make it mine. - That's right: I'll be sitting in the most prestigious cubicle in the entire row! Fear me! - Buwaha!! From there I will control the window shades and harness the sun! Please...no screen
030514 -- glare.
030515 -- Alice moved into the corner cubicle and claimed control over the window shades! GAAA!! - Our life support systems will be in the hand of a mad-woman! Maybe she'll be kind. -
030516 -- Alice, I understand you've been using a giant magnifying glass as a death ray in the office. - It's not a death ray. I use it only to burn off toupees. Oh...that's okay. - Is your head too warm? My head is too warm.
030517 -- Question: How do you know which management techniques work best? - Logically, doesn't the existence of thousands of management books show that no one knows what works best? - The trick is knowing which one to read. Now you're just making me
030517 -- mad.
030518 -- CATBERT The Evil Director of Human Resources Hello, headcount. - Am I fired? No, no, no... - I'd never fire you for making unflattering comments to the press about the company. - Really? Everyone said you're evil. - Heh, heh, thank you. But all
030518 -- I'm doing is transferring you to a new job. - Gee, that doesn't sound so bad. What is it? - Our new assembly line is seven inches too low. You job is to fix it. - I'm living for the weekend.
030519 -- I just realized that my career primarily consists of asking you for stuff... - ...and wondering how long I should wait before I remind you. - Do you know how that makes me feel? How what makes you feel?
030520 -- We can't afford to hire qualified employees. - My plan is to hire dumb people and be angry at them. - I forget - what's the word for pretending that people can change their basic nature? Motivation?
030521 -- Long term, I hope to convince our boss that I have the power to become invisible. - Then I can just sit home and get paid. Oh, it will be sweet. - Wally? Is that you? Right in front of you.
030522 -- My job is not stimulating my mind. - If you want to have tigers, you must feed them tiger meat. - But that is only an analogy. Please do not make me eat a zebra.
030523 -- I fired our plant-watering service and hired a less expensive one. - That's the sort of leadership that will turn this company around. - Were we doing well? Our plants are plastic.
030524 -- You've got to focus on execution! ? - I think he wants me to execute people. Make it look like an accident. - From now on, my staff meetings will be two hours long.
030525 -- I have some good news for you! - The paperwork for your promotion just came through. - There were fifty good candidates for this job. - It's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. - Most people in our specialty are destined to be low level lackeys
030525 -- forever. But not you! - Um...my name is Tim. This promotion is for Tom. - Oh...well...being a low-level lackey forever is good, too. - Could you tell Tm I have some good news?
030526 -- Can you summarize this on one age for our CEO? - Yes, but it will obliterate the persuasiveness of the document and cost us billions in lost opportunity. - I see you point, but being wordy is bad, too.
030527 -- Let's offer employees unpaid vacation time, as long as their managers approve it. - Then we'll downsize any work group that uses it, because it proves they're overstaffed. - Excuse me while I hug myself and purr. Take your time.
030528 -- Our products got reviewed in the new issue of "Extortion Magazine." - "If they had bought more ad space in this magazine, we would not compare their products to week-old spit." - It's better than last month. I'll bet we can get to "day-old" with
030528 -- another half-page ad.
030529 -- Ring Ring Ring - Emergency, you say? Crisis? - I'm losing my faith in coincidences.
030530 -- The new product brochures have already won design awards! - That's great, but our product won't do any of the things you claim here. - Well, who should we believe - The award-winning designer or the guy who can't stop complaining?
030531 -- We might want to scale back some of the claims in our new product brochure. Which ones? - For example, where it says, "provides diplomatic immunity against all current and future felonies." - That's just poetic license.  - "Turn used motor oil
030531 -- into root beer."
030601 -- Bob, can I have your revenue projections? - No, I'm reading my E-Mail. I can't do two things at once. - But I offer you this song instead. - Ohh-waa-waa! I'm single-task Bob I'm single-task Bob - I CAN'T MULTITASK I ONLY DO ONE JOB - JUST GIVE
030601 -- ME THE STUPID BINDER THAT'S ON YOUR DESK!! - Sue, and I guess my E-Mail can just read itself, right? - Reading goes quickly when you don't slow down to comprehend.
030602 -- The trap door will work with your "Open Door Policy" to eliminate the whiners. - Disgruntled employees will be safely dropped into rush hour traffic. - I need to remember that's there.
030603 -- I plan to open a gambling casino for people who have extraordinarily bad luck. - How can you tell who has extraordinarily bad luck? - They would be the ones that go to my casino.
030604 -- Gaming Commission - My concept is a casino exclusively for morons. - Imagine a room full of oblivious dolts, and I'm taking advantage of them for personal gain. - When would that concept begin? About a minute ago.
030605 -- Catbert: Evil H.R. Director I'm reminding everyone that layoffs can improve morale. - Layoffs prove that management is capable of making tough decisions to turn things around! - You're right! I do feel more optimistic now! Secondly, you're
030605 -- fired.
030606 -- Senior management knows they need to retain key employees during hard times. - That's why they're giving themselves huge retention bonuses. - So, they're blackmailing themselves? You can make anything sound bad.
030607 -- The future of the company depends on new product revenue. - Question: is that why you slashed the research and development budget? - If you're so smart, let's see *you* describe our future without using the word "doomed."
030608 -- Career Counseling I love to hear myself talk. - But I don't like it when people roll their eyes and go "phhht." - I'd like a job where people are forced to nod and smile while I babble. - And I'd like to punish people for my own mistakes. - I
030608 -- recommend a career in management. - Just to be sure, I'm going to give you a management aptitude test. - Hey, I have an idea. Maybe I should pursue a career in management! - Congratulations! You just have passed the management aptitude test.
030608 -- Yes!
030609 -- We have the highest profit margin in our entire industry! - - Apparently I'm not supposed to say that in front of our customers.
030610 -- I want a husband who cooks and cleans and raises the kids while I pursue my career. - To me, that sort of man would be a total turn-on. - Yoo-hoo! Who likes lemon wedges?
030611 -- Bobby, I'm looking for a stay-at-home husband to support my career. - I'm sorry - I was thinking about chocolate, and I didn't hear a word you just said. - This will take some work. Br-r-r-r. I'm cold. Now I'm hot. Now I'm cold!
030612 -- If we married, would you mind being a stay-at-home father? - I love children. That would be a very rewarding lifestyle. - Okay, now imagine that there aren't any kids and you're basically my unpaid servant. Could I iron?
030613 -- Would it be wrong to marry a man for his homemaking skills? - Do a present-value cash-flow comparison of marriage versus the equivalent service from trained monkeys. - It's not you...it's me...and a world-wide oversupply of monkeys.
030614 -- Let's see...your defects are discussed in chapter 23. - I'll give you a photocopy so you can see how to fix yourself. - Books are full of information.
030615 -- It's not just my desk; it's the chair, too! - Dilbert, come here! - Everything in my office feels clammy. - I first noticed when I touched my phone...then my mouse. - All clammy. What could that mean? - It could mean that your hands are clammy.
030615 -- - You must never speak of this. - Have you ever noticed that everything you sit on feels like underpants?
030616 -- I need you to go on an international sales call. How should I dress? - Salespeople should dress one level above the customer. - What's better - the cherub or the lightning bolt? Take both. You can't overdress at the Vatican.
030617 -- It's because I'm making a sales call to the Vatican. - I'm told that salespeople should dress one level above their customers. - Aren't you worried? About what?
030618 -- Folks, please stay in your seats, we've been grabbed by a huge hand. - I hope this has nothing to do with how I dressed for my sales meeting at the Vatican. - But it turned out to be a guy with a huge hand who said he "thought it would be
030618 -- funny." Hee hee! Huge hand.
030619 -- Switch to decaf for a while. That should help. - I'll replace all of the office coffee with decaf for my convenience. - must...find...antidote
030620 -- How can we eliminate $200,000 of worthless fat? - Wow! Every hand went up. I like it when everyone participates! - So it turns out that it's better when no one participates.
030621 -- The "Employee of the Year" award goes to ...no one. - Thanks for coming. Better luck next year. - It's not as bad as the time that you won it. Jealousy is unattractive.
030622 -- Seven Stages of a Performance Review It's time. - Denial What the...? These aren't even my objectives! - Anger Who said these things about me?! - Bargaining What if I make someone write a glowing E-Mail about me? - Depression Morale slipping
030622 -- away...hair...so...limp. - Acceptance Whatever. There's no budget for raises anyway. - Trash-Talking ...wool-covered pile of ignorant monkey spit. - Lunch A falafel would hit the spot.
030623 -- The company will be taking a one-time charge to write down the value of the merger. - The number is so large that it has no name.  Our marketing department is on it. - Let's see a show of hands for "frooglepoopillion."
030624 -- We need to announce our record losses in a way that doesn't make management look like... - inebriated simian miscreants? Right. - Graphics Department They want to go in a whole other direction.
030625 -- A good manager needs to smell like a manager. - Your breath should be a fiery concoction that says, "agree with me or die." - Try "Dogbert's Management Breath Enhancer," made from ground-up cigarettes, farm shovels and coffee.
030626 -- Accounting Trolls What would happen to our profits if we wrote off these bone-headed mistakes? - POW - And how about the worst-case scenario?
030627 -- Here's the press release about our record loss. - "The CEO stepped down after earning $100 million more than the company itself during his tenure." - "In a message to shareholders, he said, 'Ha ha! Maybe you should have bought stock in *me*!!
030627 -- Who's your Daddy?!!'"
030628 -- My company lost a frooglepoopillion dollars. I'm embarrassed to tell people where I work. - Never be afraid to tell the truth about yourself. - Because honesty is the best policy? Because no one pays any attention to what you say.
030629 -- You're coming to work at nine-thirty? - By the time you get your coffee and get your bagel, it'll be ten o'clock! - I started at six! I've already worked for four hours, and I'll probably stay late! - Over the course of a lifetime, I'll work
030629 -- twice as much as you! - But...we'll be paid the same...and we'll both die anyway. - So...I guess what you're saying is that you're smarter than I am. - I CURSE THE CASUAL BRILLIANCE OF YOUR LIFE STRATEGY!!! - My bagel will be extra tasty today.
030630 -- I called this meeting to do a sanity check on my project. - FLAMING SQUIRRELS ARE EATING MY TONGUE!!! - What?
030701 -- If you want to be a great leader, read the books that have inspired leaders for centuries. - For example, the first pyramids were built after a twelve-year-old pharaoh. Read this book. - "Things that look naughty from miles away."
030702 -- Don't touch the prototype or you'll get a shock. Must touch. - ZAP!! - Don't touch it a second time. Must...touch...second...time.
030703 -- Our strategy is to grow revenue from new products. - How obvious does an idea need to be before we'll stop calling it a strategy? - And we plan to estimate waste. We'll miss you.
030704 -- Beep-beep-a-beep beep-a-beep Every two minutes - - Have you seen my cell phone? Was it metallic, noisy and flushable?
030705 -- Meanwhile in Heck... You're on a winning streak, Snowball. - But let's see what happens to your chances when I turn up the heat! - That's right - the furnace is broken *again*! Four queens.
030706 -- Thanks for testing my new invention. - If this thing works, it will change forever the way that mothers use the telephone. - We've been on the phone for half a minute. The noise should start at any moment. - Here it comes. HEY! WHAT ARE YOU
030706 -- DOING AT THE PHONE?! - CAN I EAT TEN COOKIES? I THINK MY ARM IS BROKEN! WHERE'S MY TOY?!! - WAAA AAAAA AAAA!! - Now press the toddler noise cancellation button. - It stopped the noise, but you need to do something about the visual.
030707 -- Carol, print out our company web site and put it in a binder for easier reference. - Okay, and I'll also translate it into Klingon to make it even easier. - And I'll alert the dictionary makers that "easier" means stupider. Keep them out of
030707 -- this.
030708 -- A Bad Day Maybe it's time to look for a new job online. - A Worse Day Hey, that's *my* job they're trying to fill. - A Much Worse Day And I'm unqualified.
030709 -- If you see anyone violating the new corporate code of ethics, report it immediately. - I'd like to report our senior management for telling us to ship products that we know are defective. - Yes, I will take care of that. OOOH! OOOH! LYING!!! I
030709 -- REPORT YOU!!!
030710 -- Ringy thingy. ring - While you were working, your children grew up and moved away. - I've never had a plan that worked so well.
030711 -- A Few Years Ago The company will no longer provide free soft drinks. - This Year No more free coffee, and no more free bottled water. - In The Future Don't swallow your saliva.
030712 -- Our E-Mail spam blocker is stopping all incoming and outgoing messages. - Apparently the software decided that everything we do is a bunch of worthless #$!|*. - I fear that it's becoming a sentient being. Our only hope is for you to demoralize
030712 -- it to death. Tell it to get on my calendar.
030713 -- Dilbert, write up our technology strategy. - Okay. What's our strategy? - How should I know? It's not written yet. Duh! - How can I write about something that doesn't exist? Duh! - It *will* exist, as soon as you write it. DUH! - Duh! Duh! Duh!
030713 -- Duh! Duh! Duh! - Just do it. Double duh. - Whatever. Duh to infinity. - If my company had any stock value, I'd be selling it now.
030714 -- The Cluttermeleon Lines His Nest With Printed Debris. - A Predator Comes Out Of His Lair. - The quick-Thinking Cluttermeleon Uses His Power To Disguise.
030715 -- Tina, would you...? Hold on while I finish writing this E-Mail. - It's a twelve-page description of my carpal tunnel issue, and the fact that there's never enough time to do my work. - Are all of your problems self-inflicted? That's it! I'm
030715 -- adding a chapter about you. Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch!
030716 -- Hi, this is Dilbert. Hi, I'm a business reporter for the Wall Times Post Gazette. - I'm doing a story about how dumb...I mean dynamic...your new product line is. - Then he promised not to print the amusing nickname I have for our CEO. You are
030716 -- so dynamic.
030717 -- Look what one of our engineers said to a reporter! - "Our technology is putrid, but we compensate by ignoring complaints." - You know what would be more fun than fixing these problems? WITCH-HUNT!!!
030718 -- Corporate Witch-Hunt Alice, did you tell a reporter that our products stink? - I promise on the honor of my family, and on all that is holy, that I did *not*. - So I guess you're calling my divining rod a liar.
030719 -- Corporate Witch-Hunt I've narrowed the list to seventeen suspects who might have talked to that reporter. - Now we'll check their E-Mail archives, phone records and linguistic patterns until we identify the offender. - And then we can punish
030719 -- all of them just for being on the list. I like the way you stink.
030720 -- As requested, I put together a list of functions we should outsource. - I limited my list to things we don't do well. - Management, sales, marketing, quality control, engineering, finance, human resources, and customer support. - That leaves us
030720 -- with our core competence... - ...sitting around a brown table. - And, of course, our ability to speak honestly without fear of retribution. - You will never get another raise as long as I'm alive. - Well, that puts a lot of pressure on the
030720 -- brown table strategy.
030721 -- I've noticed that dead people know a lot. They're always yapping to psychics on television. - We could kill the entire software-testing staff and replace them with one medium. - Do you see any problem with that? If the dead people lie, how
030721 -- would we punish them?
030722 -- You're the only one who hasn't finished the mandatory online six sigma training. - I finished it, but the system crashed before it stored the data. - This is when you say, "there's no need to retake the training, I'll just check off your name."
030722 -- Are you new on this planet?
030723 -- I need to find a way to bend this steel rod into a "U." I'll take care of it. - I won the prestigious "Steel Spike Award" for engineering excellence. What??!! - I guess it's validation for being the highest paid in the department...and for
030723 -- being male.
030724 -- I went to a movie with an unemployed guy. I call that an unfunded man date. - - The unemployed guy didn't laugh either. Maybe it's my delivery.
030725 -- I made a few suggestions. - I'll be happy to make these unnecessary changes to this irrelevant document. - Stop acting happy. Can I whistle and dance while I work?
030726 -- For five dollars, I'll name a subatomic particle after you. - Some of my satisfied customers include Arthur C. Quark, and George Meson. - It comes with an unsigned certificate! I like 'em clean.
030727 -- I surplussed Ted. You'll need to absorb his function. - Absorb his function? - Are you telling me to do two jobs for one salary? - No, I'm telling you to absorb his function...in an absorptive fashion. - ...using osmosis, symbiosis, and
030727 -- synergy. - Can you change reality by inventing new names for ordinary things? - I sure hope so. Otherwise my entire career has been a...a... - Tragic series of monkey-brained mistakes? Key learning.
030728 -- Our new ad campaign will use familiar music from artists who are willing to sell out. - Due to budget cuts, we'll limit our search to musicians who are dead but not yet totally decomposed. - MAKEUP!!!
030729 -- As you requested, this price quote includes absolutely every expense you'll incur! - If that's true, you won't mind signing the "Alice Side Agreement." - "In the event of hidden costs, customer will repeatedly punch vendor wile yelling "You
030729 -- freaking weasel!"" Pen?
030730 -- You laugh at everything, whether it's funny or not. Ha ha ha! It's true. - You're hired. You'll have a big impact on morale! Ha ha ha!! Yes, I will! - Must stay alive. - Ha ha ha!! Computers are funny! Ha ha!!
030731 -- I've decided to spend more time criticizing things I don't understand. - I say we should flat-tax the Kyoto Treaty all the way back to the security council! - Wouldn't that be unfair to stem cells? Bah!
030801 -- This is my nemesis, Pointy-Haired Carl. He manages our software division. - Write up some reasons why he should report to me. I'll secretly give it to our vice president. - Start by saying there's no real difference between hardware and
030801 -- software. I'm unclean!
030802 -- Our goal is nothing less than a complete takeover of Pointy-Haired Carl's software division. - We'll start secretly doing their jobs in addition to our own, Then I'll argue that they should report to me. - Hypothetically, if the secret got out,
030802 -- would we stop working twice as hard for no extra money?
030803 -- I have some disturbing news. - We outsourced our customer-service function to India a few years ago. So? - Apparently, they subcontracted the job to Mexico. - Then Mexico subcontracted to Vietnam, who subcontracted to the Philippines... - who
030803 -- subcontracted to us. - It turns out that we're the lowest-cost provider, because we lie about our hold times. - I summary, we pay ourselves to hose ourselves. - Are you thinking what I'm thinking? We should raise our prices?
030804 -- Tina, we need some customer success stories for the Web site. - The closest thins we have are these complaint letters. Just change a few words. - Change "kick" to "kiss" and this one is done, albeit disturbingly.
030805 -- I'm trying to make him lose his language skills. - I've been using words in the wrong context and waiting for him to adopt them. - Carol, could you truculent this doctrinable to the obelisk? Cervically.
030806 -- I need a description of your project and it's projected cost. That's impossible. - The project uncertainty principle says that if you understand the project, you won't know its cost, and vice versa. - You just made that up. That doesn't make it
030806 -- wrong.
030807 -- Tell me why you need a new server. - And don't give me the condescending simple version for managers. I want a full technical explanation. - Early civilizations had no concept of zero. Go on.
030808 -- The weather is getting worse. Maybe we should close the office. No. - The forecast is for blizzards, freezing rain, tsunamis, deadly lava flows, and precision-guided ball lightning. - And radiation-enlarged swarms of killer bees. Get some snow
030808 -- tires, you big baby.
030809 -- That concludes my two-hour presentation. Any questions? - Did you intend the presentation to be incomprehensible, or do you have some sort of rare "Powerpoint" disability? - Are there any questions about the content? There was content?
030810 -- Wally, why have you been charging all of your hours to my project? - I invited you to one meeting. It lasted one hour. - Do you think I would go to a meeting without extensive preparation? - Okay...that's another hour. How many more do you need
030810 -- explained? - Fifty-eight. - After the meeting, I sat quietly and evaluated what what everyone said. That took fifty-seven hours. - Ha! You're still an hour short. Explain *that*! - Do you mind if I sit quietly and think about that question for
030810 -- a while?
030811 -- Now I'd like to recognize Walter for his five years of work for this company. - Thanks, but I've been here for thirty years...oh, I get it now. - I feel a sick day coming on.
030812 -- What is the priority of your budget request? Highest of the high. - Everyone rated their own budget needs "highest priority." It is a mockery of the priority system! - Name *one* thing that everyone would agree is a *low* priority. Whatever
030812 -- you're doing.
030813 -- Our legal department advises us to destroy any documents that show we know our products are hugely defective. - CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP CHEW CHEW GULP - Do you have room in there for the user specifications?
030814 -- Alice, this year you single-handedly designed and launched a billion dollar line of new products. - For that accomplishment, I give you the highly coveted "meets expectations" designation! - Alice, if having high expectations of you is wrong,
030814 -- then I don't want to be right.
030815 -- We can either wait three months for the software committee to approve our plan... - Or we can soar like eagles, and act without approval, saving millions of dollars! - Please don't be sidetracked by the analogy. Since when do eagles use
030815 -- software?
030816 -- The Man Who Couldn't Give Direct Answers Did you ask your boss for approval? - Now i will explain the process for getting approval. - Do you want to do this the hard way? First, you ask for a meeting.
030817 -- Dogbert Consults Your network-security product is buggy and complicated. - Your user guide is an inspired work of pure evil. - And your techsupport department is an inebriated chimpanzee with a typewriter. - One strategy would be to fix all of
030817 -- those problems. What's the other strategy? - Sell consulting services to your victims...I mean customers! - I'm so happy, it's making my hair quiver! - But what do we do when our consultants can't make our products work either? - They're paid by
030817 -- the hour. QUIVER!!
030818 -- I'm trying to  fire a guy who has multiple personalities. - I'm exhausted. I fired the cowboy, the little girl, and the astronaut this morning. I'll do the twins later this afternoon. - I'm tired, but it's a good tired. Can I do the mime?
030819 -- After months of work, I finished our bid for the huge Galaktikus project. I'll deliver to them. - If it's one minute late, we'll be disqualified. The future of our company depends on us winning the bid. - He must think I'm a...whoa, what's
030819 -- this? Irish Line Dancing Sessions 10% off
030820 -- And you failed at your primary objective of winning a bid for the Galaktikus job. - That's because you said you'd deliver the bid on time, but you got seduced by Irish line-dancing lessons and forgot to mail it! - I can't believe you're trying
030820 -- to pin the blame on the Irish.
030821 -- Someone named Tiffany sent me E-Mail. - YAGGA WAGGA!! - Someone turned off the spam filter.
030822 -- Lately, every person I deal with seems to disappoint me. - Every meeting starts late, every answer is misleading, every deadline is ignored, and all work is shoddily done. - I guess what I'm saying is that today I need some empathy. You are
030822 -- totally blocking my view of the wall.
030823 -- Alice, I notice that you always click something when I approach. - Obviously you've been using company time to look at indescribably filthy images. - And why does that seem obvious to you? Let's leave me out of this.
030824 -- When I'm not helping team members, I like to feed the poor or read to blind people. - I don't care about money. All I want is a chance to help humanity reach its fullest potential. - You're so wonderful, it's making me cry! You're hired. -
030824 -- Excellent. Come meet the team. - I have a special skill for identifying good people. - It's part instinct, part experience. - And yes, maybe just a little ESP. Watch this. - Alice, your favorite color is...mitten?
030825 -- I'll get everyone's opinion, and then I'll make a decision. - Translation: You'll take the advice of whoever does the bes job of trash-talking everyone else. - Where do you get these crazy things? She's mental.
030826 -- Our new product has half a million lines of code! - Translation: there's nothing good about this product, so you hope I'm impressed by irrelevant data. - Now available in ecru! You leave me no choice but to key your car on the way out.
030827 -- Wow! You have three masters degrees and a PhD! - Yes ,it's all very impressive, but interestingly, I have no common sense whatsoever. - That's not the sort of thing you should say during a job interview. I don't see why not.
030828 -- I have a PhD, so obviously you should do what I say. - Instead of negotiating with vendors, let's just tell them how much money we have and ask them to do the right thing. - You're probably feeling embarrassed for not thinking of the idea
030828 -- yourself. Must...not...shave...PhD.
030829 -- tinkle tinkle tinkle Boss approaching. click* - Thanks for the magic management necklace! I have to admit that I doubted its powers. - But since I've been wearing it, I haven't seen a single employee who wasn't hard at work.
030830 -- My keyboard looks exactly like everyone else's. - I need more of a management keyboard, with special keys that sort of thing. - And the "[" becomes the newly discovered letter "%&%&."
030831 -- Hi, I'm Matt. It's my first day here. - I'm Dilbert. - And this is... I'd rather not say. - I prefer to remain anonymous, so you won't feel comfortable asking me for anything later. - Here's my card. It's blank. - The phrase that you're least
030831 -- likely to hear today is, "we're just like family." - Are you worried that he'll turn over the card and see your name? No. - Was that *my* card? I've been handing them out for years.
030901 -- Alice, I know that times are tough. But you need to show more optimism. - Try to find the one good thing about any bad bad situation. - Our entire sales force has been eaten by wild pigs. Pigs are cute!
030902 -- The technical solution is simple and inexpensive. - But it would cost a fortune to get internal approvals because vast herds of management dolts would get involved. - So I should just do it, right? - Did you call me a vast herd?
030903 -- Where do you want to eat? Anyplace. - Suddenly, Mike the Vegan pounced. Do you mind if I join you? - Soon, hunger started to set in. No, I can't eat at any of those fifty choices. What else do you have?
030904 -- Mike the Vegan I use no animal products whatsoever! - Your clothes were created on sewing machines that used electricity from coal and oil, and those come from dead dinosaurs. - I need to start making exceptions.
030905 -- Wally, how do I handle the psychological pressure of a stalled career? - Remember that when you reach for the stars, they're too far away, so it's hopeless. - But sometimes you can reach a star...can't you? That would burn your hand clean off
030906 -- Dilbert, take care of this. It's our top priority. - Sure. I'll just let my other top priorities slip until my career is a smoldering mound of rubble. - So what is it? I don't know...I just didn't like it on my desk.
030907 -- You never responded to my urgent request for engineering resources. What? - I told Alice to to ask you! She must have forgotten. - I sent you three E-Mail messages. - You know I don't have time to read my E-Mail. And I sent you a voice-mail -
030907 -- You know I don't have time for voice mails. That's why I also... - TATTOOED IT ON YOUR STINKIN' CHEST!!! - - As if i have time to read my torso.
030908 -- Our competitors found a way to send broadband Internet traffic over the power grid. - I want you to find a way to send data over the sewer system. - I thought I was already doing it.
030909 -- Asok, would you like to join a doomed project for sending Internet traffic over the sewer system? - Absolutely! I might be young and unexperienced, but I know a good thing when I see it! - I need you to work under the sewage and breathe through
030909 -- a straw. I get a straw!!
030910 -- I've never been a project manager before. - I understand I'm supposed to  direct your natural talents and energies toward a common goal. - Carol, did you make copies of the agenda? No, it sounded hard.
030911 -- In only one week my project team has created a time line and identified the resources we need. - Next week, we plan to revise the time line and re-examine our resource needs. Good work. - There must be a thousand ways to say I haven't dome
030911 -- anything. Wait...
030912 -- You need to slither away from your doomed project before you get blamed. - My assistant will teach you how to shed your project manager skin. Yello! - Ow! Ow! Ow! How's this so far? Impressive, but we were speaking metaphorically.
030913 -- I've put my heart and soul into the high-speed-data-by-sewer project. - But I believe in developing our talent pool. So I recommend putting Asok in charge of the project. I will be his mentor. - Wow! What should I do first? I wouldn't rule out
030913 -- panicking.
030914 -- Asok, I designate you the keeper of the giant binder. - It contains our secret technology plans. - It can never leave this office. - It won't fit in any drawer. - And the "Clean Desk Policy" forbids me from leaving it on my desktop. - Gaaa!! I
030914 -- can't take it home, and I can't leave it here! - I must use it as a tiny bed and spend the rest of my days guarding it. - What did you do with the giant binder prop that you got at the trade show?
030915 -- Since I became project manager, no one has returned my calls or responded to my E-Mails. - Luckily, I'm an I.I.T. graduate, mentally superior to most people on earth, so I finished the project myself. - Are you tired? I am trained to only
030915 -- sleep during national holidays.
030916 -- At the India Institute of Technology, I learned to use my huge brain. - but I try not to frighten ordinary people with any gratuitous displays of mental superiority. - For example, I no longer reheat my tea by holding it to my forehead and
030916 -- imagining fire.
030917 -- Would you like to make a hundred million dollars for just showing up at work? Yes! - My audio lessons teach you how to become an underperforming CEO. - Step one: Become a CEO. Step two: Be the sort of person who would by these audio lessons.
030918 -- Did you order the plastic casings I need? They take two weeks for delivery. - I see that you've cleverly avoided my actual question in favor of an imaginary one involving delivery times. - Now I'm fantasizing about ripping off your mustache
030918 -- and using it to shine your head. I hear that a lot.
030919 -- I recommend that we look at the big picture and view it from 20,000 feet. - Drifting...floating above the earth...wait...a plane is coming right at me! No-o-o-o!!! - Maybe you should imagine you're in the plane. Gaaaa!! I'm in coach!
030920 -- Bob, remember that money can't buy happiness. - But it can buy expensive possessions that make other people envious, and that feels just as good. - And you can pay to have people whacked. Can I trade my happiness for some money?
030921 -- I don't have time to work on the Nanobit project. - No problem. Tell Dilbert I said he should take over. - Two Minutes Later I'm way, way too busy. Fine. Tell Wally to do it. - Two Minutes Later I'm up to your face in alligators! Okay,
030921 -- okay...hand it off to Asok. - Two Minutes Later But already I only have time to eat one cracker a day. Tell Ted I said... - Sure, I'll do it. No problem. - Mmm...cracker time. I'm quitting tomorrow. - I solved four problems today!
030922 -- Remember, if you're not the lead dog, the view never changes. - I'm not the lead dog, and I have to look at your face all day. - What are you implying? I was admiring your insightful analogy.
030923 -- Every morning I rank my tasks as A, B, or C priorities. - And then you work on the "A" priorities first? - TO be honest, after I update the list, there isn't much left in the tank.
030924 -- I got your three-page E-Mail, and I brought you a gift. - It's a clump of blank space. You can use it to separate long rambling, unrelated sentences. - Next week I'll introduce you to a little curvy thing that I call a comma.
030925 -- We're outsourcing half of our programming work to Elbonia to take advantage of the time difference. - We'll hand off our requirements at the end of our work day and get back the finished code the next morning. - Once again, I have no idea what
030925 -- they want. Let's pretend we died.
030926 -- I was an engineer before I moved to marketing. - Now I don't even remember how to turn on my Lisa. - You have an old Lisa computer from Apple? Old wife.
030927 -- I was an engineer before I got into marketing, so I have a few suggestions for your network design. - Get rid of this "Cisco" doohickey, whatever it is, and put it into a catapult made from local trees. - Has it been a while? At least I have
030927 -- good social skills now, you dipweed.
030928 -- I have the results of the employee morale survey. - The number one issue is "not enough open and honest communication from management." - Well, okay, I'm willing to give that a try. - Management is looting the company while hiding the fact that
030928 -- we're in a death spiral. - Whenever you talk, I think about my fishing lures until the noise stops. - When I see an employee suffer, it excites me in ways I don't understand. - On nine separate occasions I've fires bald guys because I thought
030928 -- they were you. - If this doesn't work for you, let me know on the next employee morale survey.
030929 -- I can't give you the salary that you deserve because then there'd be no room for a raise next year. - I wouldn't want you to be all disincentivized, you know, just moping around. - Neck...muscles...so...weak. I think motivation causes that.
030930 -- Evil H.R. Director - New policy: you must inform your boss before applying for an internal job opening. - PURRR RRRRR - Well, good luck, you disloyal, back-stabbing ingrate.
031001 -- Hey, big guy, how's your golf game lately? - I've only known you for three seconds and already I have a deep desire to punch you. - But no one ever does. Have you met Alice?
031002 -- I love golf. Golfing is fun. It's a good day to golf. Do you want to go golfing in the rain tomorrow at 6 A.M.? - No, thanks. I have plans to sandpaper my entire body and roll around in salt. - I hope no one ever creates a scoring system for
031002 -- that.
031003 -- Would it be okay if I worked three hours a week? - Any more than three and my quality of life takes a steep dive. - Secondly, is this a good time to talk about a gigantic raise?
031004 -- I've notice that every decision you make is different from what I would have done. - My IQ is 240. Your IQ aspires to the three-digit range. I assume that you intuition and experience are guiding you. - Please be that. Chinese astrology!
031005 -- Catbert, the Evil Director of Human Resources Your 401K retirement plan will be replaced with a 401A plan. - The "A" stands for afterlife. - You'll get no money in this life, but the company will reward you in the afterlife. - The odds of that
031005 -- happening seem low. - Yes, but on an expected-value basis, a high potential reward compensates for low odds. - For example, how many free software upgrades would I need to promise you in the afterlife to make you work yourself to death this
031005 -- year? - Seventy versions. - I resisted his charisma, but he got me with his math.
031006 -- My consulting firm specializes in fixing business strategies. - Have you ever figured out why your own industry is in the toilet? - I'll give you a thousand dollars never to mention that again. OK.
031007 -- I absolutely need your input by Tuesday. OK. - Considering that you're massively unreliable, I'd like to save time by yelling at you now. - YOU SAID YOU'D DO IT BY TUESDAY!!! Ummm...I was too busy.
031008 -- As requested, I wrote the business plan to show profitability by year three. - The key revenue assumption is that an armored car crashes through that wall and spills its contents. - And don't stand where the comet is assumed to strike oil.
031009 -- The management retreat in Hawaii was productive. - We calculated how many employees we needed to downsize to pay for the trip. - Don't blame me, Ted. I voted against the third helicopter ride.
031010 -- At long last, I finalized the budget. - This is the budget for last year. - Stop making it sound annual.
031011 -- I averaged the top-down budget with the bottom-up budget. - As you can see, the ignorance and cruelty canceled out the lying and optimism. - Do you have anything to cancel out feelings of a wasted hour? Have you tried despair?
031012 -- Hey, it's a customer! - You're in luck; our next version has every feature you'll ever want! It does? - I was ready to buy your current version...but I guess I'll wait. - When will our new version be ready? In a year. - The new version will
031012 -- leapfrog our competition. - Leapfrog? That implies that they have better products right now. - BUY OUR PRODUCT, YOU STINKIN' PILE OF CRUD!! SLAP! - I have to run. Try not to blow the sale.
031013 -- The vendor is sending their best negotiator. - You must use all of your engineering power training to resist her tricks and and look only at the facts. - And if you agree to infinite liability, you get a 0.00001% chance of dating me, plus a
031013 -- minute to play with an unidentified gizmo.
031014 -- I plan to make bumper stickers for pedestrians that say, "How am I walking? Call 1-800 Blah, Blah, Blah." - If you call the number and report people, they'll never again be allowed to purchase shoes! - The best part about hating people is that
031014 -- I never run out of great ideas.
031015 -- Hey! You left a used coffee stirrer on the counter!!! - The wastebasket was only one foot away! I am an associate, not your maid!!! - Behold the power of laziness. So, I'll throw it away for you *this time*.
031016 -- I can't imagine what you told everyone at the management retreat... - But our marketing department issued a press release saying we're designing a tunnel linking Europe to Denver. - Flashback I'm installing a new sprinkler system in my lawn.
031016 -- Must top.
031017 -- I call it the "tunnel shark." It converts dirt and rock into energy and can dig forever. - So whatever  you do, don't ignore what I'm saying and push the red button. Button! - Now what's gotten into you?
031018 -- My tunnel-digging prototyped escaped the lab and burrowed into a picknicker in Perth, Australia. - The combined entity is a cyborg that has proven to be surprisingly popular at parties. - Ha ha! Do the trick with the dirt!
031019 -- Ted, what's the budget for research and development? - It's confidential. I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you. Hee hee! - - I've never heard that one. It's very witty. - Allow me to show my appreciation with the following fake laugh.
031019 -- - HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA !!! - HA HA HA HA HA !!!  -Those are my real teeth. I need them back.
031020 -- Who's Today's Guest Cartoonist? At great expense, I've just hired Nildo Orbfutz as a consultant. He will increase our productivity hereby calculating how much times is actually wasted! - Well, Nildo, how did you acquire your credentials? Degree
031020 -- in business management? H.R.? P.R.? Psychology? On-the-job training. - Let me guess: You've been fired from every job you ever had...for wasting time? Welcome to the wonderful world of consulting.
031021 -- Who's Today's Guest Cartoonist? Hi! Rob the Dinosaur here! Today I want to- CUT!!! Your name is *BOB*! - Sir, it's like a million degrees in here. Can't we take a two minute break? No! You'll do it until you get it right, you idiot! You have
031021 -- displeased me. No pay for you! - I *hate* Dilbert. Ssh! He'll hear you!
031022 -- Who's Today's Guest Cartoonist? I'm so happy in my new spacious office with an ocean view. - Finally I have the workplace I've always dreamed of. - The personalized environment headset works, Sir. Brad Pitt! Shouldn't you put a shirt on?
031023 -- Who's Today's Guest Cartoonist? This isn't my cubicle. Your horoscope says you'll have a "mind-altering" day. - I feel oddly drawn to watch "Days of our Lives." You *look* oddly drawn. - I'm going to go to the mall and try on black shoes! Wow!
031023 -- Your life finally has a purpose.
031024 -- Who's Today's Guest Cartoonist? ...when I first heard Dilbert had died while running with scissors, I, too, was stunned. I, too, asked, "what's it all mean?" - ...That 2,247 newspaper slots are now wiiiiiide open, baby! ...Ka-ching! Ka-ching! -
031024 -- ...sorry about the ka-chings.
031025 -- All week I felt like I was drifting through alternative universes. I was me, but I was different. - Have you been near any dense objects that would make the fabric of space-time fold onto itself? - One Week Ago Will there be any unforeseen
031025 -- problems? What's happening to me?!!
031026 -- I have an idea for boosting my performance. - You wisely coached us to use all of our vacation days every year. - Because we come back recharged! - Our renewed motivation is more than enough to compensate for the missed days. - My plan is to
031026 -- leverage that competitive advantage. - I'll take a fifteen year vacation and return ten minutes before retirement. - THEN I'LL BE SO RECHARGED THAT I'LL POUNCE AND AND DO TWENTY YEARS OF WORK IN MINUTES!! - Unless it's near a holiday, in which
031026 -- case, do you mind if I leave?
031027 -- Are you going to lunch? Lunch already? - Sheesh! I barely had time to come late to work, eat breakfast, use the plumbing and read the paper. - You take your non.work seriously. I'm trying to develop a sense of non-urgency.
031028 -- Asok, you've been named "Employee of the Week"! - The title gives you access to the executive helicopter landing pad on the roof. - And by "access" I mean you hose off the bird droppings every morning. I get to use the company hose!!!
031029 -- Catbert: Evil H.R. Director The company will provide free cholesterol screening on Tuesday. - At the same time, we're providing free bacon and cheese hoagies across the hall. It's your choice. - I hate him, but I also love him.
031030 -- I e-mailed you the expense breakdown. I need you to fix the format and send it out. - I will now read your mind to get the unspoken, ever-shifting preferences for the format. - I see nothing emptiness...the abyss.. Add a chart.
031031 -- Hey, Rick. Allow me to explain why your specifications are mutually exclusive. must transform. - If we make the package ultra light, there won't be enough material to absorb impact when... - I don't think I'm getting through.
031101 -- Alice, your problem is that you take on too much work. - The problem is that you *give* me too much work! - Your second problem is that you blame others, and your third problem is that you're always angry. GAAA!!! IT'S ALL YOU!!
031102 -- Wally, what's the status of your project? - Deep breath...clear my mind... - I've been focusing my bandwidth on organic growth. - I'm getting lots of push-back, so I'm taking the discussions offline. - But sometimes I table an issue or handle
031102 -- it in a sidebar. - Now i have my ducks in a row, the deal-breakers are on the back burner, and I'm managing expectations. - Okay...keep up the good work. - Wally, you don't have a project. What? Then why am I so tired?
031103 -- Wally, there have been complaints that you take conference calls from the Men's room. - OK, perhaps I have a few idiosyncrasies, but it's only because I care so much about the work. - No one invited you to those conference calls. What if I've
031103 -- already finished the newspaper?
031104 -- We're not '"level-conscious" here. - You could walk up to any vice president's office and talk to his secretary as if you were an equal. - Which, by the way, you're not. So don't try to make direct eye-contact.
031105 -- I can't do any more work on my project until you give your input, but you're too busy. - There's no polite way to say this: Bill, you're a bottleneck. - Your document is now saying hi to the bottom of the pile.
031106 -- Bottleneck Bill All purchase orders must be approved by me. - I'll be too busy to approve anything, but at least we have a system. - GRRRR It's titanium. Nice try.
031107 -- Don't sell your new product for $29. Offer it at $1,000,029 with a rebate of $1,000,000. - People will think it's a great bargain when in fact it's just a huge inconvenience. - And all we need is one person to forget to mail in the rebate
031107 -- forms. We'll target the lazy rich.
031108 -- I'm having problems at home, so I'll be taking it out on you today. - I'll begin by hallucinating that you said something bad. Then I'll yell at you for saying it. - I AM NOT A SADISTIC NUT!!! If I got to my cubicle, can you hallucinate that
031108 -- I'm here?
031109 -- Everyone gets a company shirt! It's good for morale. - Oops! Not for temps. - None for contractors. - Not for vendors. - Nothing in your size. - Not for people who might get downsized on Friday. - I'll use the leftovers as garage rags. - Did
031109 -- the shirts improve morale? Sure did! I feel great!
031110 -- Ted is being rude and unhelpful. Can you ask his boss to remove him from the project? send* - I'll forward this to Ted. That should help. - I wonder how people solved problems before E-Mail.
031111 -- We'll be seeing a lot of each other. I'm a boss stalker. - I wait by his office, unscheduled, ready to suck up to him whenever his phone call ends. - Please don't go...it's still out there.
031112 -- Later we'll be joined by the director of the only division that's making a profit. - Behold my greatness!! Bathe ye all in the pleasure of my general proximity!! - I can only stay if you give me an award.
031113 -- Where can I put my most important files so I won't lose them? - I'll balance them on top of the trash can so the janitor knows it's not part of the actual trash. - These items must be what's most urgently in need of discardation.
031114 -- Wally, can you show me how to make changes to the skills database? - I can't risk being known as the guy who knows how to edit the database. - Because? I barely have time to avoid the work I already have.
031115 -- My project has no progress and no hope for progress. - I scheduled a meeting so I can fantasize that it will produce a breakthrough. - I recommend that we have a meeting next week so you can fantasize that you'll coach me to higher levels of
031115 -- performance. Sounds good.
031116 -- Wally, I'm glad we work in the same department. - Because your performance is so bad that you'll be downsized first. - You're like a buffer. As long as you're still here, my job is safe. - And there's nothing you can do to change this
031116 -- situation. - Wally, do you mind giving my family a ride to church again this week. No problem. - It's nice that you joined my church even though you live an hour away. - And I wouldn't say no to those tasty bagels you always bring for the ride.
031116 -- GAAA!! - Oh...I didn't see you sneak up on me, Heathen...I mean Alice. zzzz
031117 -- My vacation was so relaxing that I'm still floating. - Hey, Alice, you know how I promised to cover all of your meetings for two weeks? I forgot until right now. - From floating to furious in 27 seconds. It's a personal best.
031118 -- This might be the greatest innovation in annoying cubicle noises. - Chewing crushed ice. crunch crunch crunch - Must...destroy all refrigeration facilities...on earth.
031119 -- Welcome to the competitive strategies seminar. - First, some house-keeping. In the event of an emergency, stay seated so I'll have a clear path to the exit. - And...there is no men's room in the building as far as you know.
031120 -- I desperately need to take this training. - We can't spare you. Send Wally and have him tell you what he learned. - I'm awed by the sheer artistry of your management skills. Thank you.
031121 -- Lately I am Lately I am overcome with doubt that you read my status reports. - Asok, the biggest value of a status report is that it makes you consider all the costs of your project. - Actually, that is the biggest value of a business plan or a
031121 -- budget.. Whatever. Throw it on the pile.
031122 -- Our goal is to do more with less. - Less motivation? - I can't be any more specific. Less communication?
031123 -- The new batch of job applicants is more desperate than usual. Excellent. - Five hundred qualified people applied for this position. - But who wants this job the most? - I plan to pummel each applicant with a variety of objects, beginning with
031123 -- very soft items. - Then I'll gradually move toward harder materials until only one person is left. - I'll begin with this soft sugar doughnut. - ZING PIFF! Thank you. - How are their attitudes? Refreshingly upbeat!
031124 -- Catbert: Evil H.R. Director  In order to cut costs, some of you will be relocated to the bottom of the ocean. - Wouldn't we be crushed by the pressure? Every job has some pressure. - And then there's the breathing problem. I label you a
031124 -- whiner.
031125 -- I'm planning to replace myself with cheap Elbonian labor. - Watch this: turn around and describe my appearance. - I see glasses...a coffee mug...and that's all. This will work.
031126 -- Hello. This is your lawyer. - Do you mind if I think about you for a few minutes? Um...no. - Mmm...$400 an hour. Wait...dear lord...noooo!!!
031127 -- I ask all prospective employees this question to test their reasoning. - You have one fox and two chickens that you need to get across a river. You can only take one at a time in the rowboat. The fox will eat the chickens if left alone. - I'd
031127 -- buy livestock insurance, then barbecue the chickens and blame the fox. Can you start today?
031128 -- I edited you document for clarity and sent it out. - Wow. It's amazing how clear it is when you take out all of the accuracy and relevance. - I stopped listening after "wow." I'll get busy spending the rest of my career fixing this.
031129 -- Our company is going to make antivirus software. What's that tell you? - It tells me we'll secretly create viruses that can only be detected by our software. - Am I close? You're spooky.
031130 -- I'd like you to meet Bradley, our new manager of executive compensation. - Bradley's job is to recommend to our board how much to pay company executives as me. - Bradley is totally objective. Totally. - That was a world-class observation, so
031130 -- I'll recommend that the company buy you a pony. - ...a *strong* pony to carry the huge bags of cash I recommend for you. - Good work, Bradley. I'll recommend to the board that you get a huge raise! - Gaaa!!! Stop pretending to have reasons!!
031130 -- Just steal the stupid money!!! - See what I have to deal with every day? Would an extra month of vacation reduce the sting?
031201 -- Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources We need to tell our employees about the merger. - They'll read it in the news. Why should we do extra work? - Other companies do it. There must be a reason. Maybe it's a tax thing.
031202 -- What?!! According to the paper, we're merging with an evil company that plans to downsize us. - - Did they run my quote about how valuable you are?
031203 -- I recommend that we break into subgroups to create a process for choosing our next meeting time. - Or we could just meet next week at our usual time. You're a loose cannon. - Stop labeling me with hackneyed phrases! You're a "cut now, measure
031203 -- later" type.
031204 -- This apple will remind us of our *core' values: respect, customer service, and teamwork. - The apple's core is the part you throw away. - Not always. Sometimes I accidentally eat it. Maybe the stem can represent our loyalty to the company.
031205 -- You've got a bad case of carpal punchel syndrome. - Don't use your "fist of death" for a few weeks. GAAA!!! - The "foot of death" is not the same. It is only slightly menacing.
031206 -- I've never done this before, but may I have your phone number? - home phone...cell phone...work phone...home E-Mail - work E-Mail...other home E-Mail...personal web site. - ...and if that fax machine is out of paper, try the one down the hall,
031206 -- but leave me a voice mail if you do.
031207 -- May I move to one of the empty cubicles? - Those are full-size cubicles; interns get half-size cubicles. - Yes...ordinarily, but there are hundreds of vacant cubicles because of downsizing. - I'm not following you. - They're *empty*! They will
031207 -- never be occupied. I want to use one. - We don't have the budget to turn a full-size cubicle into a half-size cubicle just for you. - GAAA!!! THAT'S NOT WHAT I...NEVER MIND! FORGET IT! - Furthermore, I do not believe this is a half-sized
031207 -- cubicle.
031208 -- Wake up and trudge to work! - Earn money so I can leave on the lights in every room. - Your shower is ready. I turned it on last night.
031209 -- It's nice to be retired. I'll do a-a-anything I want to do all day long. - I guess you'll be banging your head against a wall today, trying to earn money for the social infrastructure. - Do you ever feel guilty? It is a warm, tingly sensation
031209 -- that makes you wag?
031210 -- It's workers like me that make the global economy so vibrant. - The pointy-haired fly-bait wants this reformatted to disguise his true objective. - When you're done, don't show it to anyone. No one cares. Zesty!
031211 -- I'm developing an insincere optimism to complement my artificial sense of urgency. - I hope to top it off with a delusion that I work for the challenge and not the money. - How can you make good ideas sound so bad? I'm an engineer.
031212 -- Product Training You work for a company that takes pride in its product line. - Only half of our users experience painful boils. yes no - We call that group the "relatively satisfied" customers. What the?!
031213 -- Take your feet off the desk. - Is this an example of random management or do you think it will make our stock rise? - It's up .02%. Heh-heh-heh, not so random after all.
031214 -- It's totally brilliant. - I must show this to our creative department. - I designed a new logo for the company. See what you can do with it. - Well, well, well, an engineering manager becomes an artist. - Apparently I wasted my time getting a
031214 -- master's degree in graphic arts and design. - All I needed was a dull pencil an a scrap of paper. - ART IS NOT THAT EASY, YOU ARROGANT PILE OF PERFECTLY SYMMETRICAL CRUD!!! - What if the logo is inside a rectangle?
031215 -- Researchers have proven that working with evil or stupid people causes heart disease. - Ha ha! I wonder if the amount of stupidousness makes a difference. - Your witty banter stinks today.
031216 -- The woods are full of people who want your job. - These days you can't shake a tree without three or four engineers falling out. - I'd love to stay and chat but I need to go motivate the other headcounts.
031217 -- The merger will obliterate the connection between my performance and my rewards. - My arms hang like wet ropes. There is no reason to move again. - From 9 to 9:30 I rotated 3-dimensional objects in my mind. My ears hang like wet ropes.
031218 -- My strategy is to work like a paranoid beaver during the merger. - Surely my productivity will be noticed and rewarded when the downsizing begins. - And who is Alice? I'm pretty sure that's the bald guy with the glasses.
031219 -- Alice, I don't know the best way to say this but I'll try. - Oog-nah wahgoo yagga bliphnow elga nooey fip wah! - That's a language I'm inventing in my spare time. It has no words for "you're downsized."
031220 -- Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources What kind of severance package do I get? I can't decide if I should laugh or purr, but there's definitely spittle in your future. - This is a bad package. PURRR-HA-HA HA-PURRR-HA HA-PURRR!!!
031221 -- I'm collecting for miscellaneous gag gifts. - We've got upcoming birthdays, baby showers, retirements, promotions, blah, blah, blah. - I'm collecting all of the gag gift money in advance. - Then I'll take the bag of money and flush it down the
031221 -- toilet. - That will be the gag. It's funny because a toilet is involved. - So you can either give me $100 now or I'll be back twenty times at $5 a pop. - You can't resist the siren call of a more efficient process. Give it up, engineer-boy! -
031221 -- Hello, sectional sofa!
031222 -- Career Counseling - Apparently you're still mad about being downsized. - According to your resume, you're seeking a job that involves "punching a short, stocky guy with pointy hair." - Is that the only job you'd consider? I also like kicking.
031223 -- Alice Gets Downsized Maybe your next career could be marrying a rich guy. - There must be a guy out there who wouldn't care about your personality. - If she offers you a goodbye hug, don't take it.
031224 -- I scheduled your goodbye lunch for Tuesday. I can't make it on Tuesday. - It's too late to change it. Everyone already bought gag gifts. - Gag gifts?? I'm not retiring; I got downsized! Congratulations, Alice! Hee-hee!! wrinkle cream
031225 -- The good thing about being downsized is that I don't need to shave my legs. - It grows fast, but who's going to notice? - Police surrounded a convenience store where Sasquatch attempted to buy "H�agen Dazs(r)".
031226 -- Business is picking up. We need to rehire some of the people that we downsized. - I hope the time off from work hasn't dulled their engineering instincts. - The first day back is always the hardest.
031227 -- I signed you up for a product awareness class. GAAA!!! - They'll give you hands-on training for every product we sell ple-e-ease... - We're hoping to fix this problem in the next version.
031228 -- I hired my wife to be our new receptionist. - I foresee no problems whatsoever. - Hey, dipweed! - Go buy me a bagel and a cappuccino. - Then wash my car and fill the gas tank. - NOW DANCE FOR ME, LITTLE MAN+ HA HA+ DANCE OR I'LL HAVE YOU
031228 -- FIRED!!! ring - How may I help you? Have a nice day! - Stop dancing in the lobby. My wife is trying to work.
031229 -- Our company is relocating headquarters to be nearer our CEO's home. - When asked about the justification for the huge expense, our CEO quipped, "Ha ha ha! Eat mud and die!" - Then he gave himself some stock options and went to buy a Hummer.
031230 -- I am in charge of the office relocation project, also known as O.R.P. - I have never managed anything, but I have studied our boss to learn his methods. - Let's see...step one, I corner you. Step two, I talk until you scream about seeing a
031230 -- bright light.
031231 -- The office relocation project is proceeding without any problems whatsoever. - GAAA!!! IT'S A LIE!!! OUR POSSESSIONS WILL BE LOST AND WE WILL HAVE NO PHONE SERVICE!!! - I don't mean to worry anyone, but you should look for new jobs right away.
040101 -- Office Relocation You are not allowed to move your own computer. - It must be left in an easily stealable condition for three days until the movers take it to the wrong cubicle. - Then untrained I.T. professionals will shove an Ethernet cable
040101 -- into your stapler and call it good. Get out of my way.
040102 -- Office Relocation Some cubicles are slightly less desirable than others. - For example, your new cubicle is below an air duct so it is sometimes cooler than the area around it. - I asked the facilities people to chip out the penguin as soon as
040102 -- possible.
040103 -- Office Relocation Your new cubicle is less roomy than the old one. You will need this butter. - Apply it liberally to your torso area and you can slide right in. - But don't stay in there for more than 10 minutes at a time because it attracts
040103 -- rats.
040104 -- As VP of marketing, I am proud to introduce the new version of our product. - BEHOLD!!! - This is a testament to what can happen when you listen to customers. - We asked customers what they wanted the new version to do. - Six months ago I gave
040104 -- that raw data to you engineers. Today we see the result. - It's the first time I've seen it myself. What's it do? - BAM!! - Our customers said they hate us. spit
040105 -- It looks like an ordinary piece of paper, but I added this finger holder. - Now when I wander the hallways looking busy I can totally rest my hand. - Working hard? Not any more!
040106 -- The expense cutters award goes to Wally for drastically lowering his cell phone bill. - Wally, would you like to say a few words to the group? - I lost my phone last month. Hey, thanks for the hundred dollars!
040107 -- It's time to go power shopping. - Nice computer. Did you just get it. GAAA!!! - Shopping always puts me in a good mood.
040108 -- Ted, you're going to experience an involuntary separation from payroll. I'm fired. - No-o-o-o. It's just that you won't be part of the payroll system. - And you're not allowed to touch anything.
040109 -- The smokers in this building take hundreds of trips outside to smoke every day. - We can harness that kinetic energy to create electricity to power their unused computers. - pant * pant Too much slope.
040110 -- Our CEO is giving a speech at the conference you're attending. - Ask his secretary if you can save money by riding together on the corporate jet. - He doesn't want to inhale anything you've exhaled.
040111 -- I discovered a hole in our Internet security. What?!! - Good grief, man! How could you put a hole in our Internet? - I didn't *put* it there I *found* it...and it's not... - It's your job to fix that hole. I want you to work 24-7! - Actually,
040111 -- that's *not* my job. But I'll inform our network management group. - PASSING THE BUCK!!! YOU'RE A BUCK PASSER!!! - Forget it! There's no hole! It got better! That's more like it. - I fixed the Internet.
040112 -- I need your approval to... - ...be exhausted, bored, stiff, headachey, annoyed and constipated for the next three days. - Also known as "business travel." I must be traveling right now!
040113 -- You should smuggle a weapon on the plane. - And never, ever return your seat to its upright position! Stand up for your rights! - I've noticed that all of your advice would put me in jail. Why must you be so complainy?
040114 -- Airport Security Please remove your jackets and shoes. - Please remove your epidermal layer and put it in a plastic bag. - It is a federal crime to mention the movies "Ishtar," "Glitter" or "Gigli".
040115 -- Gaaa!!! I'm having overhead storage anxiety!! - It doesn't fit! Everyone will hate me for delaying the flight! - We were scheduled to fly to New York, but thanks to the bag that didn't fit, we have to leave you in Iowa.
040116 -- Six-hour flight; I can get lots of work done. - Six-hour flight; I can get lots of sleep. - I can't feel my hands!!!
040117 -- Welcome to the Metrogarden Hotel! How may I make your stay incredible? - I would be delighted to iron your socks, examine your suspicious moles or take a second job and give you my pay. - I think they overtrained you. I'm shaved and prepared to
040117 -- donate a kidney.
040118 -- Ask the vendor to take 20% off the price. Now??? - You already signed the contract. The price is set in stone. - It doesn't hurt to ask. - It doesn't? - So...although we just signed the contract, would you please lower the price 20%? - HA HA
040118 -- HA!!! GET A TIME MACHINE, YOU BUMPKIN!!! - Gaaa""" I feel stupid and filled with self-loathing...futility tugs at my soul...my guts are clenched! Good. - Ask if they'll go for 19% IT HURTS TO ASK!!!
040119 -- Everyone, this is Dilbert. He flew half-way around the world to give us this presentation. - What? I thought I flew here so *you* could give *me* a presentation. Oh - Maybe I could show you some proprietary documents. I'd like that.
040120 -- What were your key learnings from the trip? - I learned that there are people you shouldn't call from a plane. - Earlier That Day Hi, Jack!
040121 -- I told Matthew that there was no way we could make those changes. ring - Hi, Matthew! ...yes, of course we can make these changes; we're no idiots! Ha ha!! - He says you have no credibility.
040122 -- And that's why we can't put any more resources on your project. Sure we can. - Gaaa!!! Why do you keep ruining my credibility?!!! Good cop, bad cop. - IF THERE IS A GOD, PLEASE KILL ME NOW!!! Gum?
040123 -- Profits are down, so we fired the sales department to reduce costs. - This strategy heavily depends on people driving to our warehouse and begging for our products. - Do you think I should write a book? I'd try reading one first.
040124 -- Have you ever noticed the contrast between my greatness and...you? - My philosophy is that everyone has an intrinsic value that is the same. - Let's call your philosophy "I didn't notice."
040125 -- Our CEO will be happy to answer any questions. - Why does the company pay you 40 million dollars a year? - I ask because it's 400 times more than I make. And I work 70 hours a week. - Do you work 28,000 hours per week? - Or do you have some
040125 -- sort of special ability that isn't obvious? - GRRRR RRRRR AAAH-OOGAH!!! - - Golden egg. One every ten minutes. Good answer.
040126 -- You need to change the company's name to create the illusion of progress. - The name should be high-tech sounding with a hint of onomatopoeia that signals your total lack of awareness. - Maybe something like "Duhflushtech, Inc." I like it!
040127 -- Wally, I discovered a deadly safety flaw in our product. Who should I inform? - No one. The stock would plunge and we'd have massive layoffs. Your career would be ruined. - But my negligence could cause the death of a dozen customers. The first
040127 -- dozen is always the hardest.
040128 -- Alice, I fail, if I fail to blow the whistle on our product's safety problem, I will be like a murderer! - No, technically you'd be more like a killer, you wuss. - My guts feel like I swallowed a squirrel. You have totally sucked the flavor
040128 -- out of this scone.
040129 -- If you refuse to do something about your product's safety flaw, I will be forced to contact our CEO! Try it. - This E-Mail will make him drop everything and call me. - Hundreds will die...blah, blah, blah...whatever. Forward the message to that
040129 -- pointy-haired guy.
040130 -- Dogbert Goes P.R. You knew your product was deadly but you did nothing until you were sued. - The goal of public relations is to taint the jury pool. We'll show that the victims had it coming. - Maybe we should discuss the moral implications
040130 -- of that strategy. Bah!
040131 -- Dogbert Goes P.R. There's some risk that the P.R. plan will cause you bad kharma. Ooh - For an extra fee, I can do some P.R. work aimed at the infinite fabric of the universe to inoculate you. - And I think I can get Britney Spears to wear
040131 -- your hairstyle. Can you get her to grow hair on her back, too?
040201 -- Dilbert, come in here. - I keep clicking on this link and nothing happens. - click click click click click click See? - Try something else. Why would I do that? click click click click - click click click click click click click - The
040201 -- definition of insanity is: doing the same thing and expecting a different result. click click click click click click - Hey, it worked this time! - What we have here is a bad precedent. They called ma "crazy."
040202 -- Your project is my top priority. Tell me everything that I need to know. - I'm so bored...can't...stay...awake. I haven't started talking yet. - IT GETS WORSE??! o-o-okay
040203 -- It's been a few hours since I've done anything managerish. - I could criticize someone...nah. I could have a meeting...nah. - I'm reorganizing the department! Excuse me while I beat myself with the keyboard.
040204 -- Our new chip is slower than our competitor's products. - We'll claim we're the fastest. If anyone does benchmark tests, we'll say they used old drivers. - Whenever I talk to you, I feel like I should be wearing a wire. Since when is marketing a
040204 -- crime?
040205 -- Dogbert Consults Never listen to your customers. - They were dumb enough to buy your product, so they have no credibility. - That reminds me: Thanks for buying my services. Don't talk. Shhhh. ooh.
040206 -- Dogbert Consults Your company has become synonymous with incompetence and crime. - Stop trying to be all things to all people. Focus on either the incompetence *or* the crime. - For your new logo, I used computer graphics to create a composite
040206 -- face that looks totally incompetent.
040207 -- Alice, I want you to train Ned to do everything you do. - Don't worry that it will make you redundant and more easily downsizeable. - I like to start each day by sending threatening E-Mail to the board of directors.
040208 -- Dilbert, meet you new coworker, Buff Bufferman. - Tell Dilbert what you do for fun. - I like to go rock climbing during blizzards. Escape. - At the top, I wait for a pair of eagles to fly by. Then I leap off and grab them by the legs. - The
040208 -- eagles slow my descent to the raging river below. - I try to land on a floating log and surf the white water all the way home. - I use a keyboard. Isn't that dangerous? - Sometimes I type all hunched over. Ow! Ow! It hurts to hear it!
040209 -- I discovered a typo in the market forecast that is driving our company strategy. - Where it says, "Everyone would want one," it should have said, "Avery Wong would want one." - Worse yet, I called Mr. Wong and he said he was joking. What if we
040209 -- gave him free delivery?
040210 -- I finished the prototype for the wireless hassock-buddy. - It uses GPS navigation to stalk its owner and demand that he rest his feet. STOP! AAAGH!!! - Today I learned to avoid the words "stalk" and "aaagh" in my Powerpoint presentations.
040211 -- We haven't sold a single unit of our new wireless hassock product. - Our plan is to make the sales people work in teams and take turns wearing electroshock pants. - Now close the deal, Cliffy, or it's payback time. BUY IT!!! BUY IT!!!
040212 -- I'm a writer for "Morons on Parade" magazine. Do you mind if I ask you some questions? - Okay...but only if you promise to not make me look bad. - COVER STORY!!! WOO-HOO!!! Really?
040213 -- You made the cover of "Morons on Parade." - I hope they didn't misquote me so I'd look like a moron. Writers do that sometimes. - Phew!! All the quotes are accurate.
040214 -- Did you ever think about selling our confidential database of customer information? - It would be massively profitable while virtually undetectable. But highly unethical. - I don't know you anymore. - I'm yanking your chain. When do we start?
040215 -- Now Dilbert will explain what went wrong with our projects this year. - All of our problems were caused by a woman named Lisa. - Lisa never learned how to act aloof and unapproachable. Sometimes she smiles at men she doesn't even know. gasp
040215 -- gasp - As you know, 90% of engineers are lonely men. - A permanent line formed outside her cubicle. - The engineers brought her food, gifts and poems that weren't as funny as they'd hoped. Food Gifts Poems (bad) - I recommend replacing Lisa
040215 -- with someone more like this. - What's *that* supposed to mean? My poems aren't funny?
040216 -- Dogbert Consults To survive, you must create disruptive innovations that redefine the market. - Does that mean the same thing as "Sell things that people want"? There's one big difference. - You only get paid if you say it in a funky way? I
040216 -- like to think I'm disruptively innovative.
040217 -- Dogbert Consults I recommend forming a separate group to pursue disruptive innovations. - It will be a glorious place: fully funded, amazing ambiance, brilliant people, free from bureaucracy! - Bet of all, once in a year they'll let you losers
040217 -- tour their work space and sit in their bean bag chairs.
040218 -- My new home theater is amazing. - It's got a DVD, HD, DVR, FM, satellite dish, MP3, widescreen TV, seven speakers and a universal remote. - It's fun to invite people over so they can show me how to turn it on.
040219 -- Welcome to Dogbert's school for worthless sycophants. - Our first lesson is "Head Nodding for Beginners." - Good, good...now get ready to snap it forward.
040220 -- Sycophant School You must learn to agree with your superiors no matter what they say. - For practice, I'll make statements and you agree. Remember to use your fake smiles. - Statement one: I should be paid 400 times more than you because I have
040220 -- to look at your faces.
040221 -- I hate Ted. How can I make him quit? That's easy. - Hire an aggressive replacement for Ted who will share his resources and make his job unbearable. - THESE ARE *MY* PANTS!!! Are you still here?
040222 -- I heard that you got approval to hire a new senior engineer. - As an intern, I have performed all the functions of a senior engineer for the past five years. I am now ready for promotion. - I plan to hire someone from outside the company. -
040222 -- Must...control...tiny...fists..of intern fury. - I have approval to fill the senior engineer position but there's a ban on hiring new interns. - So if I promote you, my empire...oops...I mean my department won't grow. - GAAA!!! MY DESPAIR HAS
040222 -- TURNED INTO A SEARING PSYCHOLOGICAL PAIN!!! OW OW! OW! - That reminds me; I need you to train the new guy.
040223 -- I can make your competitors tired and unfocused. - I'll pester them with an endless series of charity requests, employee birthday parties and blood drives. - I know it works because they paid me to do it for you. So...tired. Can't...focus.
040224 -- According to this report, our employees are afraid to take risks. - We can train them to take risks by giving them stretch goals and punishing them for failing! - We did that to raise morale. It stopped all the complaining, didn't it?
040225 -- Every time our pointy-haired boss leaves his office, I sneak in and seal an air hole. - I'm trying to see if he'll suffocate when he closes his door. - I've never had a hobby before. I can see why people like them.
040226 -- Well, look who came back to dance with death. - Once again you will try to work me to an early grave and I will book you on dangerous business trips. - Who will be the first to drop? Who? What ever happened to "Good Morning"?
040227 -- I think my employees are trying to kill me. Am I paranoid? - Put your answer in an E-Mail. I don't want to be paying for the pauses between your words. - I've ruled out paranoia. Phew! That's a relief.
040228 -- Dogbert Consults You should offer your customers easy financing. - That disguises the true cost of your products so you can price-gouge and people will thank you. - How much are we paying you? I'm leasing my advice to you. Thank you!
040229 -- Gaaa!!! Our boss's boss is coming! Where? - zoop! Uh-oh. Hello, head-count. - I need to run tons of work. Why? Are you poorly managed? - No! We have everything we need! Everything is perfect! - So...was your boss confused, lying or misinformed
040229 -- when he asked me for more funding for your budget? . NOOO!!! IGNORE ME! I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING!!! Hmm. - Dilbert says you don't communicate with the staff, and you don't need money. - Phew! I'm glad that's over.
040301 -- We have too many managers so I'm making you an aspect manager. - You'll be in charge of one aspect of a corporate objective. - Please just fire me. Your aspect will be morale.
040302 -- I've been named the aspect manager of morale. Effective today, you no longer report to me. - YIPPEEE!!! WOO-HOO!! YES!! - How did you improve the morale so quickly? I'm a genius?
040303 -- Carol, two things: First, I got transferred to a new job, and that means your job here is eliminated. - Why must I suffer from your massive incompetence? Your worthless pile of stinkin' crud!!! - And the second thing? I'll need a secretary at
040303 -- the new job.
040304 -- I'm Zenox, the new manager of this coven...I mean department. - When I am displeased I make this face and growl like the undead. GRROW-EEAHH! - The new dress code is "winged monkey." If a man acted like you, he'd be called tough.
040305 -- The New Boss Maybe you'll be more motivated with a goat head. - The spell won't go away until you finish your project. - She's a big improvement over our last boss. She's sadistic but she's fair.
040306 -- When I found out that the manager who replaced me was a witch, I set a fire in the break room. - The automatic sprinkler system came on and melted her. Witches don't like water. - Are you glad to have me back? I've been doing CPR on this blob
040306 -- for two days!!!
040307 -- I worked nights and weekends to finish my project ahead of schedule. - God. Here's more work. - I don't understand. Am I being punished for working hard? - No, you're being rewarded with exciting new challenges. spronig! - Why does the plant
040307 -- grow faster when you say things like that? No reason. - STOP THAT! - Anyway, your annual performance review will reward your hard work. - That is one well-fertilized plant.
040308 -- This week I achieved unprecedented levels of unverifiable productivity. - I made phone calls, built consensus, displayed leadership, attended meetings and set priorities. - And then we have this meeting.
040309 -- How can I make my job more enjoyable? - Get a spouse who complains a lot and then have a few kids. - That sounds awful. You won't believe how much you enjoy being at work.
040310 -- I can't put this banana peel in my trash; it will stink all day. - toss - Apparently my teamwork speech wore off.
040311 -- We only have a 10% repeat customer rate whereas prisons have a 70% rate of recidivism. - We need to focus our marketing on criminals because they don't learn from experience. - Order now and get a free knuckle tattoo plus our free book "1,001
040311 -- Nicknames for Women."
040312 -- It's called a 360-degree review. You get to evaluate me at no risk of retribution. - No matter what you say about me, you will only be judged on the quality of your work. - Sometimes you are lazy, evil and manipulative. The quality of your work
040312 -- just went way down.
040313 -- You can manipulate people by lying about what other people said. - If your victim goes to the source and discovers your treachery, say, "of course he tells *you* that." - Your advice doesn't sound healthy. That's not what the Mayo clinic said.
040314 -- I need a day off to attend my twin sister's funeral. - A whole day?? How well did you know her? - She...was...my...*twin*. But not identical! - How does that matter? Well...she didn't even look like you. - And yet you want a whole day for a
040314 -- service that takes fifteen minutes. - GAAA!!! IT WOULD BE IMPOSSIBLE TO BE MORE INSENSITIVE!!!! - I'll compromise. My per gerbil is on his last legs. I'll give you the day off if you toss him in the casket so I don't have to bury him myself. -
040314 -- When do you think it will die? Depends. How much does your sister weigh?
040315 -- Out target market is people who don't shop carefully. - Our product is designed to attack the user and force him to reorder. - We only have on customer but we've sold 10,000 units.
040316 -- There is an error on my tiny paycheck. it is four dollars too much. gasp - Now you must travel to the bowels of the bureaucracy to correct this injustice. - Or I could just keep it as a reward for my honesty. BOWELS I SAY!
040317 -- I don't like the looks of this. Bureaucracy - I only want to correct a small payroll error. - Can you help me? Does it help if I glare at you for disturbing my lunch?
040318 -- Are you the troll that handles the payroll system? I have a problem. - Problems are handled by our automated sadistic phone system. - For tech support, press the exact value of 22 divided by 7.
040319 -- I move the meeting to Tuesday. I can't make it on Tuesday. - Somehow I think the marketing team can survive one meeting without engineering support. - We'll include a pet gerbil in every box. We just need to make sure it's in a sealed plastic
040319 -- bag so it won't chew on the cables.
040320 -- Hey, do you have the reliability specs for the X4Hb? - 20 Seconds later Uh-oh, he's a slow responder. The stare is creeping me out. - Gaaa!!! Say something! Please acknowledge my existence!!! reset
040321 -- Our director of marketing will give us an update. - We spent our entire marketing budget buying a racehorse. - We named the horse after our flagship product because they're both fast. Get it? - Unfortunately we didn't have enough budget for a
040321 -- thoroughbred. - Our horse broke its leg walking to the starting gate, so we shot it. - Next year we plan to sponsor a sailboat. - Anyway...your lunch today is brought to you by the marketing department. Enjoy! - Hey, my roast beef sandwich has a
040321 -- piece of lead in it.
040322 -- To defend against lawsuits, our records retention policy has been updated to include this... - BAM! - What was I talking about? The records retention policy.
040323 -- Would you consider speaking at my son's school on "Carreer Day"? - I'd do it myself but I can't disguise the bitterness and despair that gnaw at my soul. - Plus my son has been bad and I told him I'd punish him. I'd be honored to speak.
040324 -- Carreer Day When you grow you'll be put in a container called a cubicle. - The bleak oppressiveness will warp your spine and destroy your capacity to feel joy. - Luckily, you'll have a boss like me to motivate you with something called fear.
040324 -- May I see a brochure?
040325 -- Carreer Day ...and that's why you should have a pre-meeting before every meeting. Any questions? - How long will my generation need to work? A month? Sixty years. - I see that you've connected all the dots.
040326 -- Wally is in the men's room. I've accepted a position as his seat filler. - This is the proudest day of my life. I never imagined that my career would work out so well. - I want to scream at the world, "look at me now!" False alarm. You're
040326 -- fired.
040327 -- Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources Your position has been excessed, or as I prefer to say... - I WILL TEAR THE FLESH FROM YOUR BONES!!! - Phew! I love that yoga move! There is like, no hope for a hug, right?
040328 -- Remember, quality is our top priority. Quality - Question: is it more important than safety? - Ooh...I forgot about that one. - Question: is quality more important than obeying the law? - Well, probably not. - If we could maximize shareholder
040328 -- value by selling lower quality items... - ...wouldn't we have a fiduciary responsibility to do it? Hmm - Quality I'm sure it's in the top four. What if we had to die to achieve quality?
040329 -- I plan to start my own television talk show. - I'll change my name to "Doctor Dogbert" so people think I'm qualified to call them lazy, immoral, fat morons. - You already call people those names. Yeah, but I want them to thank me for it.
040330 -- Doctor Dogbert Show Your problem is that you're a lazy, selfish, immoral moron. - Shouldn't you listen to my story before passing judgment? - I'm adding "time-waster" to the list. You're like a miracle worker!
040331 -- Doctor Dogbert Show My next guest is addicted to plastic surgery. - I've always liked the whole dinosaur look, so I just went for it. - Do you have some plainspoken advice for me? Shut up, you freak.
040401 -- Doctor Dogbert Show Today we'll meet a couple who have a common problem. - I make him sleep in a gigantic hot dog bun. Can I see it? no...please. - And the problem is that he snores.
040402 -- What's that thing? It's my son. He couldn't go to school today. - Taylor, go shake hands with the pointy-haired man. - What does he have? I don't think it has a name yet. chomp
040403 -- Do you mind if I put your picture on my stapler? - Well, I don't allow personal items on desktops, but I'll make an exception. - Eat paper, you ignorate parasite! Ha ha ha!!!
040404 -- This was a productive four-hour leadership meeting. - I'd like one of you to type up your notes and send an E-Mail to the entire company. - - No one took notes? I didn't have a pen. - Okay, no problem. Does anyone remember what we decided? - We
040404 -- agreed to increase...something. No, decrease something. - Never mind. Let's try it again on Thursday at 8 A.M. - When is the next leadership meeting? I should have written that down.
040405 -- Job Applicant How do you reward your top performers? - I keep increasing their workloads until their performances become average. - So...why would anyone try to excel? I use only the finest motivation posters.
040406 -- I plan to start my own no-frills airline. - For only $23, I'll let people hold out their arms and run to their destinations. - And they won't be allowed to eat or swallow their own saliva.
040407 -- I've added mumbling and peevishness to my work-avoidance arsenal. - I get the benefits of appearing knowledgeable without the burden of sharing. - Um...I didn't hear what you said. SHEEEESH!!!
040408 -- May I borrow your chair for a meeting? - Okay, but leave your wallet, keys, company I.D. and one shoe with me. - I'm your chief financial officer. Then I also need your PDA and one sock.
040409 -- Our accounting system is so inaccurate that we don't know how profitable anything is. - It's so bad that you could manage randomly and claim success no matter what happens. - I was looking for funding, not a hug.
040410 -- Wally, do you have the approved vendor list? It's on the net. The password is "Wally." - Hm...you always say information is on the net when I know it's not. Yet, by mentioning a password, it sounds plausible. - So...first I'll find out that the
040410 -- password has changed. Then I'll find out that the list is out of date. What am I forgetting? user name
040411 -- You pay will be calculated a new way. Then I said, "Teal isn't a color." - Shhh! No side conversations. - ...multiplied by the base salary... I think it's a spice. - NO SIDE CONVERSATIONS!!! It's like cilantro. - I can't help it. I'm the kind
040411 -- of guy who needs to talk or else it feels like my head will explode. - Let's test that theory. mmph! - Wow! That worked out better than I'd hoped.
040412 -- I'm starting a company that specializes in doing tainted research. - The association of doughnut makers asked me to prove that skinny people can't go to heaven. - Did you see a bright light before the doctors revived you? No, why?
040413 -- This is the Dogbert Research Company. Have you ever been killed by a poorly designed product? ...no? - My tainted research shows that your products haven't killed anyone. - For an extra $50,000, I can call a second person. I don't want to jinx
040413 -- it.
040414 -- We need to get you on TV to publicize the tainted research I did. - The media like celebrities, blood, environmental issues and humor. - Someone pushed a pointy-haired man in front of Larry David's hybrid card today.
040415 -- Have you made your mother proud by becoming a manager? No. - Have you made your son proud by hosting a cooking show on television? - You could call the show "Cooking with too much salt." How did you get this way?
040416 -- The status of my project is that you ignored five of my e-mails and seven of my voicemails. - I tried to corner you in the hallway, but you filled all the air space with stories about your sinuses and scampered away. - Speaking of which,
040416 -- hoo-boy! I'd like to hear those stories.
040417 -- Sales are dropping like a rock. sales - Our plan is to invent some sort of doohickey that everyone wants to buy. future - The visionary leadership work is done. How long will your part take?
040418 -- I'm going into the extreme makeover business. - I'm planning to take it to the next level. - You'd look good with antlers. - And the nose has to go. Go? - Your tiny ears are out of proportion. THESE are ears. - I'll also rearrange your fat so
040418 -- you can't see it. - I'll toss in a few extras after you're unconscious. - Guess how old I am!
040419 -- Maybe I should sell this house and get a newer one. I'll be the real estate agent. - I said maybe. A good real estate agent doesn't know the meaning of that word. - Things are moving too fast! I've lost control of the process! Pack your stuff,
040419 -- waffler. Escrow closes in ten days.
040420 -- Dogbert The Real Estate Agent When it rains, the sewer backs up and covers the driveway. Lake view. - Every spring, rabid squirrels rip off huge chunks of the roof to look for food. Seasonal skylight. - The dry brush behind the house is a fire
040420 -- hazard. Potential...fire...place.
040421 -- The Real Estate Agent Initial every page of this steaming mound of documents. - This says that if I insist on overpricing my house then my agent can run over me with an SUV and... - ...sell my clothes to a scarecrow manufacturer. It's rarely
040421 -- enforced.
040422 -- The Real Estate Agent The first property costs $10 million. - It's covered with endangered frogs, and it's next to a banshee farm. - The access road is a narrow path across a boiling cesspool of tormented souls.
040423 -- The Real Estate Agent If you don't buy the house I showed you, someone else will. - And every time it appreciates another million dollars you will cry out, "Why was I so stupid?! Why?! Why?!" - And I'll be all, "Lo-o-o-ser!" Are you really not
040423 -- allowed to show me more than one house?
040424 -- It feels unmanly to hire movers. I should be able to do this with a few friends and a pickup truck. - The movers just pulled up. I don't like feeling weak. - I can walk by myself! On those little legs?
040425 -- Your last job was...international pop star? Right. - Hey, I recognize you! I bought your last CD! No, you didn't. - When I said "bought," I mean downloaded. - Exactly, I didn't sell one CD. Everyone downloaded it. - Weren't you already rich? My
040425 -- business manager stole everything. - You could perform live. Too many musicians, not enough venues. - Now do you make music for the love of it? I burned my guitar for heat. - I bought your new CD! NO YOU DIDN'T
040426 -- Why does the new engineer get paid more than I do? How do you justify that??! - Unlike you, he doesn't have a bad attitude. - I have a good attitude! Look at this smile! Look! MY EYES!!!
040427 -- Here are all the suggestions from the suggestions box. - Give us more money. Give us more money. Give us more money. Give us more money. Hey, there's one with a little diagram. - The wavy lines mean it's hot there. Is that why the pointy-haired
040427 -- guy is sad?
040428 -- Catbert the Evil Director of H.R. Married employees cost us more because spouses get benefits. - If we can get our employees to marry each other, we'll save money. - Have you ever noticed how the fluorescent light glistens off of Wally's head?
040429 -- I'm addicted to spam. I can't resist it. - Last week I bought every pill that was offered and took them at the same time. - Let me tell you, there are a few pills you don't want to mix with the Ginkgo Biloba.
040430 -- I recommend that we eliminate the least popular features because they cost us more than they generate in revenue. - I have an idea. Let's eliminate the least popular features to save money. - I suggest that we eliminate the least popular
040430 -- features. I steal that idea to infinity.
040501 -- You can rob your small suppliers by making unauthorized deductions from their invoices. - When they complain, say it's a standard industry practice and threaten to take your business elsewhere! - Then make them dance like chickens! Ha ha!
040501 -- Chickens are funny!
040502 -- Dogbert Explains Stock Investing Pay attention. - First, employees provide valuable data. Is your project on schedule? I didn't know I had a project. - A manager refines the data. We're on schedule. - The CEO gives "visibility" to analysis. No
040502 -- problems whatsoever. - Accountants publish bad news in footnotes using a combination of nanotechnology and gibberish. Still too obvious. - Discount brokerage firms tell you that you're smart. Use your own ideas! - Investors do their own
040502 -- research. Buy it because I did. Thank you, unbiased stranger! - A secret society of Donald Trump lookalikes end up with all your money. You're fired. You are!
040503 -- Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources I'm working 80 hours a week. I barely have time to bathe. - Try using your tongue during meetings. It's like a bath and a loofah all in one. - Or I could do less work. - That's crazy talk.
040504 -- We still have too many software faults. We'll miss our ship date. - Move the list of faults to the "future development" column and ship it. - 90% of this job is figuring out what to call stuff.
040505 -- I'm going to a meeting with my boss. Did you stretch first? - You need to limber up your lying muscles or you'll strain something. - Really? Things are going that well??! Didn't stretch.
040506 -- We've moved our call centers to Elbonia but we don't think anyone will notice. - Hello, how may I help you? My name is Kruphnehdahpheweundikaniswalyniaphorganopop. - I mean...Carl.
040507 -- Elbonian Call Center We don't have that software in stock. - But may I interest you in a set of porcelain unicorn figurines that wear pants? - Really? Wow. your country has way too much money.
040508 -- Elbonian Call Center Remember to use your American accents! - Yee-haa!! Let's put the dawg in the Chevy! Look at the size of my missiles!! - We only do it that way in the cafeteria. Oops. Sorry.
040509 -- Can I talk to you after the mandatory meeting? - Whoa! Whoa! I didn't give you approval to attend that meeting. - The meeting is mandatory. Approval is mandatory, too. - Okay, whatever. May I go to the *mandatory* meeting? - All requests must
040509 -- be in writing. - IT'S MANDATORY!!! MAN-DUH-TORY!!! - If people start bending the rules, before long, murder will be legal. - That was the finest mandatory meeting I've ever attended! They handed out cash! Shut up.
040510 -- So I was dancing with Madonna and went "Vogue" like this. She liked the idea and made a video. - You've either had a fascinating life or you're a huge liar. I'm still undecided. - Ghandi said the same thing. So I said, "I'm not eating until you
040510 -- take it back."
040511 -- The Non-Credible Guy And that's how I invented "Reality TV." - Why don't you keep telling me preposterous stories while I stare at you with a mixture of hostility and curiosity? - And then Einstein asked me to entertain his relatives while he
040511 -- thought of a name for his new theory. Good, good.
040512 -- The Non-Credible Guy Did you get approval for these expenses? What? Oh, yes, I did. - Why does everything you say sound so suspicious? Because I just had a heart transplant. - I'd like to see a note from your surgeon. He's illiterate.
040513 -- Wally, I want you to update the safety manual and distribute it. - I don't have much of a budget for binders, so use the cheapest ones you can find. - Hello, this is "Deadly Binders, Inc." How may I injure you?
040514 -- I need your approval on the new safety manual. - GAAA!!! SHARP EDGES!!! GAAA!!! IT GRABBED MY HAND!!! - Chapter one: wear protective gloves and safety goggles at all times. AAAIIEEE!!!
040515 -- Workplace injuries are up ten thousand percent since I distributed the new safety manuals. - The binders have sharp edges and, apparently, a curse. I asked Asok to help put it on our web site. - Hands...so numb. Eyes...strained. Blood
040515 -- pressure rising...
040516 -- Would you review my celebrity business plan? Sure. - First, I'll commit a sensational crime that the media can't ignore. - Then I'll hire celebrity lawyer Johnny "Red" Galipigos to help me beat the rap. - I'll use my fame to land a part on a
040516 -- reality TV show where I will win by cheating. - Then I'll gain a massive amount of weight so the tabloids will fixate on me. burp - Then I'll become a spokesperson for a weight loss product. It works! - Lastly, I'll write children's books. What
040516 -- about rehab? - Good catch. I totally forgot the part where I get addicted to painkillers. Otherwise, it looks good.
040517 -- Today is the day that the Secret Society of Executive Secretaries takes over the world. - Carol, what's on my schedule this morning? - Subjugation, humiliation and misery! Ha ha ha! How's the afternoon.
040518 -- Welcome to the  Secret Society of Executive Secretaries. - Today we will wrest power from our evil overlords! Tomorrow we'll rule the world! - Then Connie pointed out that we'd need our own secretaries, and the whole thing went apart.
040519 -- Our CEO says he wants to change the DNA of this company. What's that mean? - I don't know. It sounds medical. I'm frightened. - Hold me. Keep your stale DNA away from me.
040520 -- There seems to be more stupidity than usual at work. - Borrow my anti-stupidious gun. It annihilates the stupid part of a person and leaves the rest intacts. cool - I should have read the directions more carefully.
040521 -- You've exceeded your E-Mail storage allocation on the server again. - That's because I do real work as opposed to walking around with a piece of paper. - It's not a piece of paper; it's a *document*! I can't hear you over the sound of my real
040521 -- work.
040522 -- Hey, Dilby, Dil-Boy, Dilly-Dally, Dilbo Baggins, Dill Pickle! - I need a favor. Does it involve spitting on your grave? - I'm not dead. Well then, I guess we both need a favor.
040523 -- Performance Review People say you're too negative in meetings. - Negative? When? - According to the marketing department, you poopooed a number of their ideas... - ...the cold fusion scooter, perpetual motion clothes dryer, antigravity pants,
040523 -- MRI vending machine, and the list goes on. - Those are terrible ideas! - NEGATIVE ATTITUDE!!! GOTCHA!!! - Okay, you're right. From now on, I will support all terrible ideas. Good. - It's a tongue scraper *and* a frozen flagpole! Can it be
040523 -- electrified?
040524 -- Visiting a Customer Our office was designed with the science of Feng Shui. - Should I describe the technical merits of our product or will you be consulting with a witch doctor? - Ooops, sorry. That one stuck up on me. He's an astrologer, not a
040524 -- witch doctor.
040525 -- Customer Visit I can see from your zombie stare that you don't understand technical talk. - Let me try it in a language I call "Liberal Arts Major." - It's blue. It has a color??!
040526 -- His name is Kudos, the bear-er of good morale! - He's our new mascot. He'll attend all of our meetings until morale improves. - Today is Asok's turn in the suit.
040527 -- I'll escape the horror of this meeting by taking my mind to a happy place. - Aaah...a pool of warm coffee; what could be better? -
040528 -- If I cut your product development budget by 25%, what could you develop? - Ulcers, heart disease and maybe mysterious pustules. - How about the product itself? It will envy me.
040529 -- Project Meeting I'll have to cut a few corners because of the budget process. - If we skip design, prototype, testing and manufacturing, we can afford the product recall. - We'll save on shipping, too. Is bungle the same as juggle?
040530 -- Yesterday, someone in this room gave me a document with a yellow paper clip. - I know that multi-colored paper clips look "pretty." - But I remind you that we are on a tight budget! - We can't be throwing away all our money on colorful paper
040530 -- clips. - DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?!! - I salvaged that paper clip from incoming mail. - Now excuse me while I stare at my watch and wonder how much you're paid per hour. - I'm sure you've done inefficient things that I don't know about. Two
040530 -- minutes is...$5.
040531 -- Gaaa!!! How could you do this without first checking with me??!! - My philosophy is that it's better to seek forgiveness than to ask for permission. - Did he say you could rip out his heart and sell it on the Internet? Kinda.
040601 -- Evil Director of H.R. It's illegal for me to ask about age, sex, martial status, weight, ethnicity or disabilities. - But I can see that you're a fifty-year-old, 145-pound, mongrel spinster with some coordination issues. - Do you have any
040601 -- problem working on Christmas?
040602 -- I got a bad case of ergophobia. It's an abnormal and persistent fear of work. - Isn't everything about you a little abnormal and persistent? - Yeah, but I'm still delighted when I discover new words for me.
040603 -- Asok, let's go to lunch. I'll buy. Really? - We'll have some wine, maybe talk about people that we both know. Fun! - And what does Dilbert call me? The Fertiliar! Ha ha!
040604 -- Uh-oh, someone wants me to make a decision. - I summon the dark demon of ineffective management to smite the person who wants this decision!!! - Maybe I could help you make the decision. I requested smiting.
040605 -- My pointy-haired overlord sent me to smite you for requesting that he make a decision. - HEY! WHAT THE...? EAT DRYWALL, DEMON!!! - Hey, it's a fresh one!
040606 -- Did you see all of the typos in Dilbert's E-Mail? - Were you confused about its meaning? - No, that's not the point. - Then I don't know what your point is. - I think he should be more professional, that's all. - So, instead of sending clear,
040606 -- efficient messages, he should follow your example and... - ...be a gossipy, critical, time-waster who values appearance over function? - Are you done hurting me now? I'm saving a scoffing sound for you when you turn to leave.
040607 -- I hired a new prima donna. I already hate his guts, but he's indispensable. - He'll be dividing his time between being obnoxious and and undermining my authority. - And the rules don't apply to him. I declare this a pants-optional zone.
040608 -- The Prima Donna Behold my indispensable greatness! No technical problem can thwart me! - I wear no pants, as proof that I am above the rules. I am the Alpha and the Omega! - Would you like to see a scoff, jeer, gibe, mock, sneer, fleer or flout?
040608 -- Fleer, I guess.
040609 -- Pantless Prima Donna May I ask you a question? Silence, fool! - Alert the patent office that I am about to begin. They might want to increase staff. - Maybe you should turn on your computer. I don't do hardware.
040610 -- Pantless Prima Donna I demand an assistant to document my miracles. - That which I touch will be tagged for the Smithonian. That which I create will be framed for the Louvre. - Really? An exciting assignment? What is it?
040611 -- Asok, I want you to work for the prima donna. Do whatever he tells you. - May I point out that he has never produced anything except arrogance and noise? - You will stand behind me, and when I end a sentence, you will either say, "Ta-da" or
040611 -- "Case closed." Ta-da
040612 -- Tina, why did you call me a flaming #$%!!? I'm so sorry. - That was my E-Mail personality. My real-time personality is kind an gentle. - Oh okay. Never speak to me again, you miserable clump of decaying compost!
040613 -- ? - Excuse me. May I ask a question? - You're blasting your music while your window is open, so I'm wondering... - Are you thinking that the people around you are enjoying your musical choices? - Or are you a psychopath, prone to egocentric,
040613 -- antisocial behavior? - Or is it a desperate, misguided attempt to improve your odds of finding a mate? - It's actually a simple case of peer imitation and cognitive dissonance that causes me to selectively filter my perceptions. - I like that
040613 -- song. - Great! Now I suddenly hate it! You ruined everything!
040614 -- I own a small business. - It's imperative that you pay us on time or else we'll go out of business. - And then you wouldn't ever need to pay...oh, dear, lord, what have I said?!!
040615 -- I may be a small businessman but i can provide a quality product to your company. - I'll ask Alice to show you how to get into our preferred vendor system. - He can already invoice! He has your scowl.
040616 -- Hey Dilbert, what are you doing for the Editda today? The what? - Ebitda means the earnings before interest, taxes, deprecation, and um...ammonia. - Are you sure about ammonia? Why must you be so accretive?
040617 -- When you ask me questions, I usually wave my hand and say, "Bah!" - But from now on, I'll say "why do you want to know?" and then I'll say, "bah!" over your answer. - How often do you hear the phrase "it's been nice talking to you?" Not so
040617 -- much.
040618 -- Now that our profits are improving, can I have a raise? - If I start giving people raises, then profits will plummet and we'll be nowhere. - Does your bonus depend on how effectively you oppress me? If you don't like it, try communism.
040619 -- The leadership team can't decide where to make the deepest budget cuts. - But don't worry. I offered to bring a systematic, data-driven focus to the process. - A death spiral goes clockwise north of the equator. Budget Cuts research design
040619 -- sales mapcom
040620 -- Dilbert, you'll absorb Bill's project when he transfers. - Don't worry; he'll tell you everything you need to know. - The watchamacallit has to be whatever or else the who sits will go hey-hey. - Now this is either the budget total or a fax
040620 -- number. - It's absolutely critical that you...um...I lost my train of thought. - Do you have a list of key contacts? That would have been a good idea. - Can I call you if I have questions? You can try. - I love my co-workers, until they talk.
040621 -- You know what I admire about you, Alice? - You obviously value performance over appearance. Thank you. - Wait...if that was a compliment, why is my fist of death tingling?
040622 -- I'm about halfway finished with the online study class on sexual harassment. - Wally, we don't have an online study course on sexual harassment. - That would explain why all the actors seemed so happy.
040623 -- Why did you leave your last job? - They told me that I have incredibly poor judgment. - So I sued them.
040624 -- According to your resume, you left your last job because you "allegedly stole lots of great stuff." - Technically, if they catch you in the parking lot, and you give it back, that's not stealin'. - And you buried a German tourist in your
040624 -- cellar. *ONE* TIME!
040625 -- You're an hour late for an interview. - You're working me to death! I'm only one person! I need a vacation! - You're supposed to say that stuff *after* I hire you. - O-o-oh...suddenly I can't do anything right?
040626 -- I can't find any highly trained job applicants who want an unpleasant work environment and low pay. - I miss the old days where a man would build a skyscraper with his bare hands just to make you stop hitting him with a shovel - Did they have a
040626 -- dental plan? Yes. They called it "Duck!!!"
040627 -- Why It's Great To Be An Engineer - Hi, Dilbert! Hi...there. - He doesn't remember my name. - Say it! Say my name! Hey, Dilbert. - Now he'll be forced to introduce me. Hee-hee! Am I interrupting anything? - It's awkward for you now. Ha ha!
040627 -- Squirm, you name forgetter. - The pressure to introduce me must be killing you. Ha ha! - Do you have the new hardware specs? Follow me. - Who was that guy? What guy?
040628 -- My life is a rolling disaster. - I'm a magnet for all problems legal, financial, medical and romantic. - Uh-oh...I sense another disaster brewing. She's cute. I think I'll stalk her every day.
040629 -- I'm bored, it's time to stalk the new hire. - How long is the wait? About forty-five minutes. - When romance is involved, it's good to have a plan "B."
040630 -- Your life is a rolling disaster, so I figure I should ask you for a date. - I'm hoping that the source of your problems is that you consistently make poor choices. - Maybe you could buy some groceries and make me a nice dinner. Would you like
040630 -- to move in with me?
040701 -- How's your stalking of the new hire going? We have a date for tomorrow. - She's in an employee orientation meeting. Uh-oh. - Module four is about identifying workplace hazards.
040702 -- I'll arrange my papers to signal that I want this meeting to end. tap tap tap  - C'MON, TAKE A HINT! TAP TAP TAP So, as I was saying... - The man would *not* take a hint. I *said* it's *all gone*!
040703 -- We only have two people on the third floor. Let's move them to our empty cubes and sublet the space. - Write a business case with all the risks and business drivers and I'll consider it. - I changed my mind. We shouldn't do anything. I need a
040703 -- business case for that, too.
040704 -- Carol, I need ten minutes on the pointy-haired boss' schedule. - I don't let him have meetings anymore. - What? - Every time he had a meeting it just created more work for me. - It was always "Carol, get me a file," and "Carol, schedule another
040704 -- meeting." - Obviously I had to put an end to the madness. - I guess I could E-Mail him. You could try. -
040705 -- Shut the door. We need to talk about what you've done. What?! RING - Gaaa!!! Please don't leave me hanging! What have I done??! Hello. - My watch stopped. No, wait, I think time itself stopped!!! Note: time-frozen people look exactly like this.
040706 -- Time has stopped until my boss gives me the bad news that he hinted was coming. - Maybe I'll use the time to invent a new language and grow a beard. - An Eternity Later Ee-yo nebab wanponi grep. I forgot why I wanted to talk to you.
040707 -- I grew the beard while waiting for my boss to get off the phone. - Then I realized I don't need to exercise because no one expects bearded guys to have any discipline. - I'll have everything on the even-numbered pages, a cigar and...do you sell
040707 -- suspenders?
040708 -- I save so much time by not shaving that I'm considering giving up all forms of hygiene. - I'd phase into it by having a few unwashed telecommuting days per week. - And if you wear clown shoes, you never need to clip your toenails. I should be
040708 -- writing this down.
040709 -- I decided to shave off the beard I grew when I was waiting for my boss to get off the phone. Beard? I hadn't noticed. - This will take awhile, so I'll wait until time slows down to a crawl and do it then. - Did I ever tell you about my first
040709 -- job as an envelope licker? click
040710 -- Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources - We're planning a goodbye party for downsizers. - I'm making T-Shirts so it's easy to tell who the special guests are. - I'm special I got the last of the cake.
040711 -- Dilbert, this is Proxis. I recruited him from the Gullible Nebula. - I convinced him to relocate his family. Hello. - My spaceship was destroyed during the landing, but that's no problem. - I expect to work here for the rest of my 300-year
040711 -- lifespan. - That reminds me: we need to talk. - Your job function has been outsourced. I have to let you go.  Your severance package is: I grab you by the snout and fling you onto the sidewalk. - May I use you as a reference?
040712 -- I'm crushing into my fifth month with no written objectives. - Some philosophers would say that having no objectives means I'm free to help any team that asks. - My personal philosophy is more along the lines of hiding.
040713 -- I want you to negotiate the sale of our voice activated hassock business. - You're not allowed to lie, but I expect plenty of omissions, misdirections, exaggerations... - ...unjustified optimism, lost documents, unclear explanations, gay areas
040713 -- and tactical ignorance. Oh, and say we have other offers.
040714 -- Negotiating I've been authorized to tell you that we have other offers. - I can tell you from your phraseology that you've been ordered to lie and you're not good at it. - What makes you think something like that? There it is again!
040715 -- Negotiating My opening offer is... - Thank you, thank you, thank you.  We accept your offer!!! I haven't said the offer. - I mean, we have lots of other offers that are better. You're ruining everything.
040716 -- Negotiating So far we've agreed that my company will take all the expenses and legal liabilities. - Your company will take all of the revenue, patents and public credit. - But where it says I'll dig you a swimming pool with my bare hands, I
040716 -- will *not* do that.  You win! You can use a spoon.
040717 -- Your stock just plunged on the news that you're going to acquire another company. - Have you noticed that your stock goes down whenever you do anything? - I'll buy a few shares if you'll agree to sit motionlessly in your cubicle.
040718 -- I need help motivating the staff. - What have you already tried? - Threats, belittling, humiliation, empty promises, berating, slogans, posters and bullying. - Hmm...we can't praise them or else they'd ask for raises.
040718 -- Maybe they can be motivated by the importance of their work. - Their work is making second-rate products to sell to idiots so our executives can afford trophy wives. - Have you tried yelling until your face turns purple? - MAKE THREE COPIES,
040718 -- PLEASE!!! This is new.
040719 -- Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources Stock options will be replaced with a bonus system. - So...now my happiness depends on the kindness of management instead of the gullibility of our customers? - Allow me to respond by hacking a hairball
040719 -- in your direction.
040720 -- We can't afford to hire any trained employees. Hire feral employees. - Where do I find feral employees? I saw some in the alley. - Who wants a creamer?
040721 -- I hired a feral employee. - He's inexpensive because he's totally untrained. CHOMP Ouch! - So far he knows how to eat food and run away.
040722 -- The Feral Employee I'm taking a chance by hiring you. Don't make me regret it. - Today, some of my seasoned professionals will teach you to use indoor plumbing. - Look! Look at me! The newspaper tucks under the arm!
040723 -- The Feral Employee Hi, little fella. What's your name? Will - You look totally untamed. I like a challenge. - Give me one month and I'll have you wearing bicycle pants while you mow my lawn. hissss
040724 -- The Feral Employee Marketing wouldn't give me the product specs. - So I made this face and rifled through their dumpster. - And you found the product specs? French fry.
040725 -- Our VP of Marketing is here to describe our new bet-the-company strategy. - We'll saturate the airwaves with an ad campaign featuring a talking squirrel. - He'll have a fake Norwegian accent like, "Geeve me zee nuts." Ha ha! - Any questions?
040725 -- Yes, you with the strange head. - How will a talking squirrel make people buy our products? - - I just realized I'm a complete fraud. I'll pack up my desk and leave immediately. - Can we get through *one* meeting without you ruining everything?
040726 -- I forgot how many quarters are in a year. Two. - Unless it's a leap year; then you have two quarters plus a penny. - Maybe I'll say that at the board meeting to sound smart. I'M FREE!!
040727 -- Hey, Dilbert! How would you like to go to lunch? Alone. - Alone! Ha ha! But then you'd miss out on this great opportunity! - It's multi-level marketing plus a diet plan suggested by the bible! Shoot me.
040728 -- We dug up the founder of our company and wrapped him in copper wire. - Then we replaced his tombstone with a huge magnet. - With any luck, our business practices will make him spin in his grave and generate electricity.
040729 -- I got a hefty bonus for being way under budget. - Effort is no longer rewarded. It's all about results, which means mostly luck. - It's kinda funny; the only reason I was under budget is that my project was delayed. GAAAA!!!
040730 -- I'm late because my car wouldn't start in the cold. It's warm outside. - There's a little thing called the wind-chill factor. Hello-o-o-o!!! - That was wrong on so many levels. Someday I gotta get me a car.
040731 -- This is Dogbert's Tech Support. Your problem is caused by another company's product or services. - Shouldn't I tell you my problem before you determine the cause? - Okay, let's pretend that will change my answer.
040801 -- I lost my I.D. badge. - Report to the security office and get a new one. - Hold it! Where do you think you're going? To the security office? - No one is allowed past this desk without an I.D. badge. - Okay...how do I go to the security office if
040801 -- I can't go to the security office? - Good question. I guess you'll have to sneak past me. - Look over there! It's an angel, and she's giving away free bacon! - Well, well; it seems I've found a worthy adversary.
040802 -- We've had a bad year but management is committed to staying the course. - Question: Did you just say our leaders are receiving huge compensation packages to keep doing what doesn't work? - No. The way I said it, they're visionaries. So...they
040802 -- keep doing what doesn't work...and they see visions?
040803 -- I've decided to become an optometrist for near-sighted visionaries. - They're ideal customers because they never expect the worst. - Which price am I most likely to charge you? The low one!
040804 -- Optometrist For Visionary Executives Look through this solid block of wood. - Is this better or worse? Better. - I foresee forty quarters of growth. Hey, new glasses?
040805 -- My voice mailbox is full, and my spam filter rejects all incoming E-Mail. - As soon as I build up a good load of ear wax, I'll be off the grid. - Wally, we need to talk. EH?
040806 -- Hey, mullet-head, this is for you. What did you call me? - Oops. I used the nickname that everyone in the office has for you. - My work is done. It's just a little long in the back!
040807 -- Our corporate goal is to become one of Fortune Magazine's top 100 companies to work for. - We hope to do it without giving you any additional money, benefits or freedom. - Then how could you possibly motivate us to say we're happy to
040807 -- work...uh-oh.
040808 -- I'm starting a credit reporting company. - I'll be the low-cost provider because all of my data will be wrong. - What will you do when people call and complain that you ruined their lives? - I'll put them on hold until their frustrations turn
040808 -- into debilitating health problems. - Their last words will be "Aaagh!!! I only wanted to buy a minivan!" - Death will accomplish what customer service could not. - I'm just curious: do you have any qualms about your business plan? Any at all? -
040808 -- I'm not sure. Do qualms make you wag?
040809 -- We have a bad connection, so listen carefully. - Throw...my...desk...off...building... Okay. - I hope that sounded like "go through my desk and office and find the building codes."
040810 -- Are you sure that our pointy-haired boss said to throw his desk off the building? - Well, his cell phone had a really bad connection. - Do you care? Not so much.
040811 -- Send the salary spreadsheet to human resources. - Don't let anyone else see it. That sort of information could sow the seeds of discontent. - We'd have massive disloyalty, fights, vandalism, maybe even riots.
040812 -- Look...Carol accidentally sent the salary spreadsheet to everyone in the department! - What??! Your pay is higher than mine??! But you*'re like a...a... - Wizard? Swollen appendix.
040813 -- I just saw a list of everyone's salary. - I thought the glass ceiling was holding me down, but you have the highest pay here. - There's no one left to blame for my low pay except...ooh, wait...how about illegal aliens?
040814 -- I demand a raise or else I will quit today. Goodbye. - Noooo!!! Please let me stay! I'll work every weekend for free!!! Okay. - Were you correct that your superior intelligence makes you a superb negotiator? Please shut up.
040815 -- We're outsourcing our satellite launch program to Elbonia. - We built the billion-dollar satellite here; the Elbonians will put it into orbit. - Dilbert, I want you to be our liaison. AAAAGH!!! - That's our insurance company. They've been jumpy
040815 -- lately. - In Elbonia Our plan is to tease a pig until he kicks the satellite into orbit. - The risk is that our pig might prefer fisticuffs. - SLEDGEHAMMER! ABORT! ABORT! - It was hollow. Don't mention that to our insurance company.
040816 -- I called this meeting so I could tell you the division's goals for next year. - That's a good idea because we're all so dumb that we couldn't possibly read this in E-Mail. - Goal one: improve communication. I can't; I'm too dumb.
040817 -- Product Designer Function means nothing. Design is everything. - Quality is yesterday's news. Today we focus on emotional impact of the product. - But it still needs quality, right? You are so-o-o-o hard to look at.
040818 -- Product Designer Good design is essential to your success. - That's why I only employ the best artists and design professionals. - Who ate all the crayons again?! Intruders?
040819 -- Product Designer I bring you the future of product design for consumer electronics. - Behold nature's perfect shape! Your customers will form an emotional bond. - Do you think your ego influenced the design process? BAH! It's wagging.
040820 -- Product Designer The new product is selling like crazy, thanks to its great design. Sales - It's so attractive that people overlook its minor flaws in functionality. - For example, it accuses the user of sex crimes whenever company comes over.
040820 -- And it's cute!
040821 -- Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources How do I tell people that there won't be any annual raises? - If someone tries to raise the topic, guide the conversation away. - ...and that's why my outfit is made of cafeteria napkins. Do you think
040821 -- we'll ever colonize Mars?
040822 -- Why can't I find a girlfriend? - You have two problems: your looks and your personality. - Hmm..two isn't bad. - I can fix my looks by getting an extreme makeover. - You'll still need to improve your M.T.T.S.F. What? - Mean time to story
040822 -- failure: It's a measure of how long you can be fascinating to a new person. - I've been counting, and you only have nine good stories. After you use them up, you're a social liability. - I saw a horse kick a woodchuck over a fence. Still only
040822 -- nine.
040823 -- Alice, I've been told that you ignore your team's assignments and work on things that aren't your job. - That's true. I do important things instead of useless things assigned by clueless nimrods. - You totally ruined this meeting.
040824 -- Return of Topper I found a rock that's shaped like an egg. That's nothing! - I have a rock that's shaped like Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson. - My rock just hatched! It's a fully clothed alien from a distant galaxy! That's nothing!
040825 -- Greetings, earthling. I bring you either wisdom of planetary annihilation. The choice is yours. - Stay in the break room. I'll go get my leader. Very well. - The new coffee stirrers are great, but I got the last one.
040826 -- I removed all the chairs to encourage more efficient meetings. - The first item on the agenda is...ow, ow! legs so tired...MEETING ADJOURNED!!! - I always wondered what efficiency looked like.
040827 -- Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources I can't decide what's cheaper... - ...an employee wellness program to reduce sick days or incentivizing the older, highly paid workers to die. - Maybe you could use math to figure it out. When I said
040827 -- cheaper, I meant more fun.
040828 -- Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources Have you heard about the employee wellness program? - If you call in sick on a Monday or Friday, your boss says, "Well, well, well - that's very suspicious." - Now if you excuse me, I feel a nap coming
040828 -- on.
040829 -- Our bonuses will depend on the results of the employee attitude survey. - If we boost our morale rank, we'll get bigger bonuses. - Get it? All you have to *say* you're happy and you get money. wink wink wink - You want us to lie? - No-o-o-o!
040829 -- Heaven forbid. Absolutely no lying. - But if you did lie, imagine the things you could buy with that money. - I'll hand out the surveys and you can let your conscience guide you. - Is "paradise" too over to the top? I'm going to lie me up a new
040829 -- couch!
040830 -- Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources Cubicles are too expensive. We're moving to an open plan. - You'll attend a special class to ease your transition. - It's like he's in a cubicle with invisible walls!
040831 -- I'm going into the false hope business. - All I need is a semi-plausible message about how to lose weight while getting rich. - Don't eat your money.
040901 -- My wealth-building system has been verified by actual scientists. - Where can I find an unethical scientist? - And if I'm too busy, my human clone can do your infomercial. Good prices.
040902 -- I need a name for my company. Then I can film the infomercial. - I assume you want a name that will help disguise your treachery. Not so much. - And now a word from the CEO of Krap2idiots. Catchy. shhh...
040903 -- Hello? This is Alice. beeep beeep - YOU ARE FAXING TO MY VOICE LINE AGAIN, YOU #!!%* - How often do you fax to her voice line? It depends if she's been bad.
040904 -- To what project would I charge my time in the following situation? - Let's say that a pair of corrective lenses falls in a urinal, and the owner freaks out and calls 911... - It hasn't happened yet but I can feel it building up.
040905 -- Our budget won't cover all of the product development. - We can only do two-thirds of the features for that amount. - Reduce the scope of the project by one-third. Okay. - But...theoretically... - No...dear lord, no. - If I later give you a
040905 -- change request to add one feature, could you do it for the same budget. One? Sure. - Data Goes In; Management Comes Out. One? Sure. Changes are free. - Where do I put the change requests?
040906 -- If you recommend my company's product to your board, there might be a little something for you later. - Before you decide, look at this DVD titled, "Is Bribery Right for You?" - The narrator might refer to you by name when she dances.
040907 -- I decided to buy all of our server upgrades through Bribertek, Inc. - Question: Are we buying overpriced hardware because they offered you a job? - Because if we're paying extra to get rid of you, it's money well spent. IT'S A COINCIDENCE!
040908 -- Okay, I convinced my company to make you our single-source vendor. - I assume you'll be making me a job offer now. Any VP title will be fine. - I'll just take an empty office. There...is...a...WAITING PERIOD!!
040909 -- I've been forced to update the dress code. - Effective today, tank tops and belly shirts are not allowed in the office. - Once again, you ruined it for everyone.
040910 -- Uh-oh, it's a gray area social situation. - DO I know this guy well enough to say hi, or do I look away? - So I went with an ambiguous tight-lipped smile that could be confused with a stomach ache. Your stories suck.
040911 -- Whoa! Whoa! Where do you think you're going? - You look bloated today, as if you have company-owned assets under your clothes. - I need to stop relying on my instincts.
040912 -- Tina, would you like to go to lunch with me? - As a coworker or as a date? - As a respected colleague. Sounds fishy. - I know you're up to something; I just don't know what. - You're getting the better deal. I'll be looking at *your* face but
040912 -- you get to look at *me*. - Maybe you could hike up your jacket to cover your face. Fair enough. - This is not a date. I insist on paying fifty percent. Okay. - I'll have the miser salad and water. I'll have three half-priced New York Steaks.
040913 -- My daughter sneezed so the school is sending her home. - I'll work from home for the rest of the day. How will you answer my phone? - I probably shouldn't tell you this, but none of your phone messages are real.
040914 -- My secretary is off, and I need to make copies of this... - Oh, I get it! You immediately ask the only woman in the department to do it. #!%**$!! . LAZY #!%*$*!!# I was going to ask where the copy machine is, but this works, too.
040915 -- Is it okay if I take on five new projects and ten deliverables? Um...okay. - My motivational E-Mail messages are working. - Can you help... Whoa! Don't you know how many projects I have?
040916 -- If you hire me, I will use my enormous brain to develop world-changing products. - I require no pay and no cubicle. I will eat used paper, and cling to the ceiling. - In my defense, he interviews very well. zzzz
040917 -- Something's been bugging me. - I've been an executive assistant for five years. When do I get promoted to executive? - I've got leadership coming out of my ears! That's wax.
040918 -- Have you ever noticed that people continuously bother you when you're trying to work? - That's why I come here - to get away from those morons. - I'm having an unpleasant realization. They're all like that.
040919 -- Do you have the market demand numbers? - I'm in the middle of something. Can I get back to you later? - How much later? When do you need it? - As soon as possible. I'll do it as soon as I am done. - When will that be? As soon as possible. -
040919 -- When will it be possible? Cut me some slack. - - How much slack do you need?
040920 -- I have a question for the ethics hotline. - Is it okay to retype the directions on my boss's prescription medication? - I know I can't do this next thing because I've tried.
040921 -- The company will hold a series of brown bag seminars on corporate ethics. - Is it ethical to steal our lunch hour and pretend that the ethics problems don't come from our executives? - I wouldn't know because I haven't taken the seminar.
040922 -- The company has hired an ethics manager. - If you have any ethics questions, call the hotline. - That's fine, as long as you get rid of the denial evidence.
040923 -- Ethics Hotline This is Dogbert. Please state your conundrum. - Sometimes I have naughty thoughts during work hours. Should I reimburse the company for lost productivity? - Dang! This is costing me a fortune!
040924 -- I have a plan to avoid paying division performance bonuses. - I'll merge our group with the worst division so our average performance is lower. Hee-hee! - It should be easy because every division manager is already begging to merge with me.
040925 -- I'm reading the leadership secrets of the famous roman General Dogbertious. - Here's a good one: "Put your friends in private offices and your wretched slaves in cubicles." - Here's another: "Don't read this book to your wretched slaves."
040926 -- Heck We're out of space, boss. - We've had a big upswing in people who use cell phones in bathrooms. - Dang. I've got a new guy coming in today. Where will I put him? - Maybe you could ask your brother. Hmm... - Well, I suppose you could put
040926 -- him in a cubicle. - His crime wasn't that heinous. - Well, if you blindfold him, he won't know he's in a cubicle. - So then I find out that it's not okay to eat carbs.
040927 -- I'm thinking about getting liposuction to remove my fat. - Your head would collapse. - It would? If I'm lucky.
040928 -- How did the liposuction go? Good. - People say I look younger. And thanks to my self-discipline, I'll keep off the weight. - One more.
040929 -- Do you have a price sheet for removing unnecessary body parts? - I wouldn't mind a few days away from work, being waited on, watching TV and napping. - You have an inflamed coccyx? Yeah, it's gotta go.
040930 -- Where were you last week? I had my coccyx removed. - I'm having all of my unnecessary body parts removed so I can get time off from work. - How about the part of your brain that makes you care about others? It's on my list after tonsils.
041001 -- Tomorrow I'll tell the stockholders that we earned $100 million! - Will you tell them that you gave all of their profits to senior management in the form of unexpensed stock options? - We had to be incentivized. - So you wouldn't take their
041001 -- furniture, too?
041002 -- The shareholder meeting turned ugly when I said we used all the profits to give ourselves stock options. - They don't understand that I wouldn't work as hard if all I got was my million-dollar base salary. - I'd barely have the energy to spank
041002 -- my secretary. Too much info.
041003 -- Do you want to watch when the new employee looks at her first paycheck? Ooh-ya! - What doe we know about her? - She's straight out of college. All of her prior jobs paid her in cash. Perfect. - Ear guards on. My first paycheck! - Deductions???
041003 -- Hmmmm...how bad could it be? - WHAT THE - - Next time, no coffee. Eh?
041004 -- I need clarification on my assignment. - Should I use my own judgment and be forever damned if things go badly? - O should I use your advice and invite certain calamity? Both plans have good parts.
041005 -- I hired a buck-passer. - He's cheaper than a regular employee because he gets other people to do his work. - Could you shale his hand for me, sport? I don't have that kind of time.
041006 -- The Buck-Passer Alice, this task is right up your alley. - Why should I do your work, you filthy buck-passer? - Because it's right up your alley. It's gonna be right up *your* alley.
041007 -- The Buck-Passer I have a Do-It for you... - Here. GAAA!!! - The one day that I don't wear my tear-away shirt, and *this* happens!
041008 -- I see a problem with your plan. Oh, do you, Mr. Negativity? - Why is it that you're the o-o-o-only person in this meeting to see a problem? Huh? Huh? - My theory is that the rest of you are either morons or drunk. I am totally sober!
041009 -- It's time for some drive-y management. - Don't forget to do the thing for what's-is-name or else we're dead. - Must...outrun cries for...clarification.
041010 -- Our enterprise software comes in two flavors. - The premium package boasts a friendly user-interface. - The economy option does the same stuff but the interface is designed to ruin your life. - We'll take the cheap one. - I can tell by the way
041010 -- you hold the mouse that you've never had a girl-friend. HEY! - I'll send romantic invitations to all the people on your E-Mail address list. NO!!! - Don't worry - I'll use the text that I found on a great adult web site. GAAA! - When I said
041010 -- that you need to give a hundred percent, I should have been more specific.
041011 -- What's that I'm hearing? Is someone on this conference call using the restroom? - Had to Oops Me too Sorry I am - Now tap the speakerphone button to "off" and burn the ruler.
041012 -- Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources Good news about employee turnover... - I'm postponing my plan to bury poor performers in scented kitty litter. - Is it just me or has the quality of good news gone downhill?
041013 -- Your P/U ratio is sky-rocketing again. My what? - Productivity-to-usefulness. It means you produce a lot, but everything you produce is a mistake or a distraction. - I told you last time to do *less* work! Oooh...I did that backwards.
041014 -- The Highly Productive But Useless Guy Here's a copy of my white paper. - It's a statistical analysis of the correlation between disk storage and employee absenteeism. - I don't know how to do statistics but it doesn't matter because I didn't
041014 -- have data.
041015 -- Out new vice president of ethics will help you decide what's right and wrong. - When we talk to him, what customer's project should we charge for our time? - Whichever one we hate the most.
041016 -- Kudos to Ted for his suggestion to put motion sensors on the lights in the break room. - Hold it! I calculate that the energy savings are offset by the lost productivity of this meeting. - We have to burn the plaque for heat just to break even.
041017 -- What? You have no accomplishments this month??? - What did you *do* for the past three months? - Well, I spent much of that time correcting misconceptions that you gave to our customers. - And I attended meetings with you to keep you from
041017 -- creating additional misconceptions. - I spent a month working on an objective that you forgot to tell me didn't matter. - I flew to the wrong city for a meeting because you confuse Houston with Austin. - And I upgraded your home computer so you
041017 -- wouldn't have to pay someone to do it. - Allow me to paraphrase: blah, blah, blah, you didn't accomplish anything.
041018 -- Why does a runny nose stop running when you fall asleep? - The nose fairy sneaks in at night and oinches your nostrils shut. - This is exactly why I don't like knowledge.
041019 -- I've noticed that all of my problems are caused by other people. - Yet it seems so unlikely that other people would cause me so much discomfort while I never bother anyone. - Is it possible that I'm oblivious to my effect on others? zzzzz
041020 -- Welcome to Dogbert's school for the socially oblivious. - Today I'll pair you with someone whose social defect will cancel out your own. - Gaaa!!! I keep trying to talk about my kids and you keep changing the topic to yourself!! Because I'm
041020 -- fascinating.
041021 -- Dogbert's School for the Socially Oblivious Today I'll teach you to recognize when you're boring. - This is called a yawn. When you see one, stop talking about yourself. - Breakout Session And then I chipped it right into the green! Look, look!
041022 -- It's been a great three-hour meeting but I have one question. - Can a business-led project management process optimize our strategic core issues? - Was that gibberish? I thought that's what we were doing.
041023 -- You're still alive?? How can this be? What? - Nothing! Never mind! I don't know anything about a deadly plot! - It's his own fault for not paying me enough to afford entertainment. Good one.
041024 -- Wally, how can you be so stress-free? - It's quite simple. - Stress is caused by an unrealistic belief that people care about you. - I, on the other hand, expect people to be like me. - Let's visit Ted and I'll show you how this works. - Ted,
041024 -- do you have the budget numbers you promised me? That's next on my to-do list. - While he was lying to me, I stole his stapler, so I came out ahead. - He forgot his mug. I'm going to slip that puppy into my briefcase.
041025 -- Accounting Can you explain these expense figures? - It's a base ten counting system with a full range of odd and even digits. - This isn't helping. Tastes like HP paper ink...high gloss paper, four hours old.
041026 -- Do you mind if I leave early to spend some time with my kids? - I never spent time with my kids and they just turned out fine! - How many do you have? Three ish.
041027 -- Tell me again what the issue is. - Do you want the simple and misleading explanation or the one you won't understand? - Either one is good; I wasn't planning on listening.
041028 -- I know I keep asking you but could you explain the issue again? - Well, something that you could never comprehend conflicts with something that you'd never understand. - Oh.
041029 -- There will be no vacations until the project is finished. - It feels as if I am being punished for your inability to properly plan and staff. - I will contact my 800 wedding guests and tell them that my marriage is cancelled. Thanks.
041030 -- You cancelled all vacations but I have non-refundable plane tickets to Tahiti. - So I should be an exception to...the...um...you look skeptical. - I don't think Tahiti would let you in. Why does everyone say that?
041031 -- The new senior vice president will be at my meeting. - I hope to impress him with my leadership skills. - Uh-oh. Underling alert. - I can't be seen getting chummy with an intern. - Please don't try to make conversation. Don't, don't, don't,
041031 -- don't, don't. - Did you do anything fun this weekend? Here he comes! - GET BACK TO WORK, YOU SLACKING SLACKER!!! - WAAA!!! Good motivating! If he blows his nose with his necktie, you're my new vice president.
041101 -- I need to be managing a sexier project to boost my career. - It only has to sound good and not fail until I get a better job. - How about a nano-technology stem cell for fighting terrorists? O-o-okay.
041102 -- My boss wants me to invent nanotechnology stem cells because it sounds good. - Try pointing to your empty hand and saying, "You can't see them but they're almost done!" - Then trick him into giving you a high-five and yell, "You crushed them!
041102 -- Aaag!!!"
041103 -- Bottleneck Bill Perhaps you're wondering why I haven't answered your E-Mails. - My philosophy is that anything worth doing is worth delaying. - Plus you look like that. Like what?
041104 -- I need your help forcing Bottleneck Bill to do his job so I can do my job. - I'll be all over that...as soon as I finished two things. - What other things? Well, for example, miscellaneous.
041105 -- I have uncontrollable urges to show people better ways to do things. - Do you think the real issue might be my insecurity? - Well, I wouldn't date you, but that's mostly because of your looks. Not helping.
041106 -- The number one complaint from employees is "unclear objectives." - *My* number one complaint is that it takes too much effort for me to be clear. - Let's call it a tie. Why are they so selfish?
041107 -- Go with our sales rep and answer the customer's technical questions. - Whoa! You can't go looking like that. - This is a nice suit! Exactly. - A well-dressed engineer has no credibility! - I'll call my reverse makeover consultant. - I'm Bob,
041107 -- the straight eye for the queer-looking guy. - Let's see...I'll give you my clothes...add ear hair...eyebrow extensions. - You seem highly credible and I don't know why. Genius.
041108 -- Dogbert Consults Once you embrace the idea that your customers deserve to die... - ...it frees your mind to invent splendidly profitable products. - It's called the Ultra-Donut: forty-thousand calories and filled with sharp objects.
041109 -- The government says we have to put warning labels on our forty-thousand calorie, sharp-filled doughnuts product. - How about: "Warning! This product will kill you but that's okay because it tastes great!" - It look like he choked on some sort
041109 -- of warning label.
041110 -- Our revenue is now double the number of people that our product has killed...recently. - Our product costs $80. Are you saying that each one kills 40 people? - Our customers know the health risks, so technically they're killing themselves. So
041110 -- technically we aren't scum?
041111 -- My company is selling gigantic, shard-filled doughnuts with forty thousand calories apiece. - It's based on Dogbert's theory that people are pleasure-seeking morons. - How does it taste? Delicious! I have one for you strapped to my car
041112 -- You can't resist the shard-filled ultra-doughnuts even though you know the hazards. mmph - Free will is an illusion. People always choose the perceived path of greatest pleasure. - Now rationalize your decision, you mindless pink robot! I'm
041112 -- only having one.
041113 -- Is it immoral for my company to sell forty-thousand calorie, shard-filled doughnuts? - You're not forcing anyone to eat them; you're just making them irresistibly delicious. - How's that different? BAH!
041114 -- Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources Excellent idea. Evil H.R. Digest - Cell phones with cameras are banned from the workplace. Why? - We don't want you taking pictures of proprietary information. - Most of our information is in digital
041114 -- form and can be E-Mailed anywhere. - The rest is on paper that can be copied, scanned or tucked down one's trousers - My new cell phone will be rendered useless for no good reason! - AND YOU AREN'T EVEN BANNING REGULAR CAMERAS!! - This one goes
041114 -- in the scrapbook.
041115 -- Product Development First we'll cover the walls with brainstorm ideas. - How about something that turns boredom into chocolate cake? - I should have done this after lunch. Roast beef mittens?
041116 -- Our new product is either wildly successful or underwater... - Depending on how you want to allocate management overhead expenses. - Apparently you don't want to think about it and get back to me.
041117 -- The Vendor Who Couldn't Say No I need fifteen units by Tuesday. You got it. - I want them customized for our needs, assembled, and installed by Wednesday. You got it! - I'm loathing you in advance for making promises you won't keep.
041117 -- Preloathing: I get that a lot.
041118 -- Blah, blah, blah, blah blah. - I wasn't listening. I'll try some optimism. That works in every situation. - I hope we'll see record growth! In my prostate?
041119 -- There must be more to managing than giving vague directions and punishing people for not reading my mind. - But I like to play within my game. - It's a form of genius. Wake me up when some of this is about me.
041120 -- Your biggest defect continues to be your inability to handle criticism. - I can't argue with his stupid misperception without proving it true. - And you argue with people who are much smarter than yourself. GAAA!!!
041121 -- Here's the technical analysis you asked for. - I don't understand any of it. - I can't tell if it's right or if it would embarrass me. - I can't ask for a second opinion without looking stupid. - And I can't distribute it because it might be
041121 -- wrong. - I'll put it on this pile and hope something changes. - I wonder if it's called whistling when only air comes out. - Should I shred your pile of indecision? Make it look like an accident.
041122 -- When I was your age, Asok, I too sought the thrill of victory and the pleasures of the flesh. - But after twenty years of not getting either one, I made convenience with my new mistress. - You know why I like talking to you? Because I am a good
041122 -- listener? No, because you're here.
041123 -- My progress has been thwarted by a huge obstacle. - I.e. everything I need to do is inconvenient. - You can take my soul but not my lack of enthusiasm.
041124 -- Alice, you've been accused of forwarding off-color jokes by E-Mail. - Do you object to the increase in morale or the nickel it cost the company so far? - I object to my face being photoshopped to a cow's butt. You object to art?
041125 -- Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources I understand that you forwarded an off-color E-Mail to many people. - Seventy-five people thought it was funny but one person complained, so you must be punished. - Wouldn't it make more sense to punish
041125 -- the freak who complained? Do I look sensible?
041126 -- Can you tell me who complained about my off-color E-Mail joke? No, no, no. - All conversation with human resources are strictly confidential. - Catnip Super Strength Wally, Wally, Wally, Wally, Wally, Wally, Wally.
041127 -- Wally, did you complain to human resources about my off-color E-Mail joke? - Yes. I was psychologically damaged by your mirth. Now I'm an empty shell of a man. - You've ALWAYS been an empty shell of a man!!! This is making me hungry.
041128 -- When your pointy-haired boss asks about your project, what should you say? - I would inform him about any problems. - Big mistake. If he hears that you have a problem, he might try to help. - How can help be bad? Asok, how's your project? -
041128 -- Good, but I need to upgrade my disk drive to store all of the image data. - Forget that. Just E-Mail pieces of the database to employees who have extra disk space. - - Please pull on this until I lose consciousness.
041129 -- Our main product is coming off patent. - Profits will plunge and so will my bonus. It's not fair. - Call me shallow, but I enjoy getting paid for other people's inventions. SHALLOW!
041130 -- Meet with our huge retail distributor, Walgetco, and find out what they want now. - Say yes, no matter how unreasonable they are, because we need them more than they need us. - ...special packaging, RFID tags, and grind your bones to make store
041130 -- brand foot powder. Yes!
041201 -- Sixty-percent of our distribution goes through Walgetco. - For all practical purposes, they now own us, except for the legal liabilities. - They'd like us to wear orange vests and bow toward their headquarters. But no touching?
041202 -- Every time we cut costs, our distributor, Walgetco, takes the gain by demanding lower prices. - THANK YOUR FOR SHOPPING AT WALGETCO! HAVE A NICE DAY! - Maybe it's too late. TROLL ACCESSORIES ARE ON AISLE SIX!
041203 -- I need to become irreplaceable so I can't be fired for my behavior. - I'll gain the trust of our biggest customer so they'll only deal with me. - I probably shouldn't say this, but everyone in my company except me is an escaped felon.
041204 -- Wally, did you tell our biggest customer that everyone here except you is an escaped felon? Maybe. - Now I can't fire you because they don't trust anyone else. - The key learning here is that alleged crime doesn't pay. I'VE NEVER BEEN CAUGHT!
041205 -- Now what? - Create a password that's at least six characters long with a mix of letters and numbers. - How about 123? Uh, no. - It has to include letters and be at least six characters long. - How about ABC? - LETTERS AND NUMBERS AND AT LEAST
041205 -- SIX CHARACTERS LONG!!! - - Foursome? GAAA!!!
041206 -- Try working around the problem. - Thank you for that valuable advice. I had planned to stare at my screen until I starved to death. - Gather data before making a decision. GAAA!!! I'VE BEEN BLINDED BY THE OBVIOUS!
041207 -- It's temporary blindness caused by your boss's flashes of the obvious. - Let Dogbert guide you for a few days. And here's a prescription to make you dopey. - Now? Whatever.
041208 -- Your blinding flashes of the obvious made me sightless for three days. - I hope you didn't drive your car. You're not supposed to do that when you're blind. - GAAA!!! I'm upsetting you.
041209 -- Let me explain what video compression is... - Would you stop if I pointed out that everyone in this room except you is an electrical engineer? - Zeros are round and fat compared to ones... I'm begging you...
041210 -- I've decided to become indispensable to the company. - Indispensable employees can get away with outrageously annoying behavior. - You're already pretty annoying. I've been reading up on crushed ice chomping.
041211 -- Remember: Knowledge is power. - So never tell people anything because they might use it to crush you. - Do you understand? I'm not saying.
041212 -- Job Interview What's your biggest weakness? - I'm a cublicle vampire. - I wander the cubicles in search of happy coworkers. - THEN I POUNCE!!! - Then you suck their blood? That was the old way. - I talk about work-related issues until the life
041212 -- is drained from their bodies. - I'm going to trust my gut instinct on this. You're hired. - Have you met the new hire yet?
041213 -- I don't know who you are, but I don't like all of the questions you're asking. - I'm going to ram my fist down your throat, grab your pants and turn your inside out. - EAT DEATH, STRANGER! I see you've met our stock analyst.
041214 -- I didn't like the way he was looking at me. This isn't good. - He was the only stock analyst who had a "buy" recommendation on our company. - I think we're a "hold" now. Where will we find another one with so much conflict of interest??!
041215 -- I'll recommend your stock to the public, but first I need some conflicts of interest to make it worthwhile. - For example, I'll need your investment banking business. Okay. - And you need to merge with my other client that makes poison waffles.
041215 -- Okay.
041216 -- TV Stock Analyst Do you own stock in the company you recommended? - No. I used my Blackberry to dump my shares as soon as they spiked from my recommendation. - This is very wrong. Now I'm using the profit to buy a helicopter.
041217 -- Your cousin Lauren just got her degree in English. Can you give her some career advice? - Would you enjoy scratching out a meager living in a frustrating work environment? - I've never thought about it. Obviously.
041218 -- Click "Submit" to post your resume on the jobs web site. - Now sit back and enjoy the the misguided optimism that someday a human being will see it. - Be sure to tell your parents that you looked for a job today. I'll E-Mail them.
041219 -- I have a job interview. Wish me luck. No. - If you get extra luck then there might be less available for me. - I don't think it works that way. I can't take that chance. - Tell me, Dilbert, who would you consider a hero? - Albert Einstein. That
041219 -- should be safe. - Oh, really? He was an outspoken critic of war. We design missile guidance systems. - How about Jeffrey Dahmer? No? - I won the lottery!
041220 -- I wasn't getting any responses to my online resume until I inserted some key words. - I said I'm strangely attracted to older, chubby, married men with coffee-stained teeth. - That is wrong on so many levels. Explain that to my six thousand job
041220 -- offers.
041221 -- Try to get through this meeting without telling our customers how stupid you think they're being. I'll try. - But sometimes the pressure builds up in my head and it's unbearable. Tough it out. - Is he okay? He's fine. Ignore him. mmm mmm
041222 -- I am concerned because my objectives are vague and unmeasurable. - As a result, I am not inspired to achieve my full potential...and...um... - Did I just say I'm doing a bad job and ask you to punish me? That's what I heard.
041223 -- I combined an online dating service with an online job site and an auction site. date job auction - You tell the system everything about yourself and see if anyone wants anything of it. - "I wouldn't date you or hire you, but I'll bid a dollar
041223 -- for your refrigerator."
041224 -- Marketing needs volunteers for a study about how our ads stimulate people's brains. - Who among us would like to get a cat scan? - Okay, seriously, who didn't see this coming?
041225 -- Dilbert, do you have the benchmark results? - Do you want the ten-minute of why the data are useless, or a simple "here you go"? - I'm in sales. Here you go.
041226 -- Can you check my spreadsheet for accuracy? - It's an impenetrable jumble of poorly organized data with cryptic labels. - I only need you to check it for accuracy. - I don't think accurracy matters if no one can tell what it's for. - Sheesh! Let
041226 -- me explain this simple document! - This column is the ratio of product returns to gross revenue excluding sales taxes, annualized. - It's clearly labeled "ROPRTGRESTA." What about the other 80 columns? - What the #*%!? And Dilbert found no
041226 -- inaccuracies.
041227 -- Wally, did you review the spreadsheet that I E-Mailed? I didn't want to be inconvenienced. - My philosophy is that anything worth doing is too hard. - A character flaw isn't a philosophy. I like to combine things.
041228 -- You'll want our new server software after your reorganization. Reorganization? - Next week you're having massive layoffs and eliminating three divisions. - Your "I haven't heard anything" face needs work.
041229 -- How could you tell a vendor about our reorganization before you tell your own staff?!! Scoot. - Come into my office and we discuss it. - Gaaaa!!! It's a trick! C'mon phone, ring!!!
041230 -- Why would my boss tell a vendor our strategy and not tell me? - It's probably a combination of your lack of importance and your total insignificance. - Do you have any more questions like that one?
041231 -- This department has nothing to fear about the reorganization but fear itself. - Don't think about it...don't think about it. - Okay, I'm pretty sure that that doesn't mean anything. Maybe less. dang
050101 -- Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources Don't worry about being downsized after the reorganization. - Downsized employees will get my free DVD that teaches you how to live off the land. - The key to successful shoplifting is running very
050101 -- fast.
050102 -- The Weekly Wally Report is bristling with tales of success. - I gave worthless input to marketing because they weren't specific about what they wanted. - i missed Alice's project meeting because she never confirmed the location. - I gave
050102 -- harmful advice to the sales team because they rushed me. - I ignored my E-Mail for a week because you said to focus on priorities. - And I didn't submit my budget estimates because Asok never told me what format to use. - HOW CAN YOU CALL ANY
050102 -- OF THAT SUCCESS??!! - Well, I'd compare it to my written objectives, but you never gave me any.
050103 -- Carol, I'm making you our new Director of First Impressions Pro Tem! - My years of hard work have finally paid off! I'm a director! - Why is my office in the lobby? Can you direct me to the nearest growler?
050104 -- I might appear to be a receptionist, but I'm actually the Director of First Impressions. - I might appear to be a salesman of printer cartridges, but I'm really the CEO of HP. - Carly? You look like a 57.
050105 -- I might appear to be a receptionist, but I'm not. - Believe me, I know that. Companies generally put attractive people in those positions. - I don't like where this is heading. I'll wait until she gets back. Yum-yum.
050106 -- I'm starting to think that the Director of First Impressions is... - GAAA!!! I'M A RECEPTIONIST!! - BEAT IT, YOU WALRUS! Maybe I'll just send an E-Mail.
050107 -- Our new strategy is to sell fewer units at higher margins. - Question: How's that different from saying our sales stink, so we're cutting costs? - I call it a strategy so you won't lose hope. It's working great.
050108 -- Our differentiating value-added strategy is transformational change. - How was that? Does anyone feel different? - My urge to hurl has increased a little bit. That's what change feels like.
050109 -- I asked the I.T. department to upgrade my computer. - THEY'RE COMING HERE??! WE MUST HIDE OUR NON-STANDARD EQUIPMENT! - ZIP!! Uh-oh. - So-o-o...this den of non-standardization must be your cubicle. - This non-standard printer is coming with me.
050109 -- And I don't remember that monitor on our list. - I must cleanse your cubicle of non-conformance so the healing can begin. - Surely my upgraded computer will arrive soon. - Months Later Abacus? Please shut up.
050110 -- I'm creating software that will help small investors pick stocks. - It combines past trends that are not indicative of the future with the user's hubris and ignorance. - Now all I need are testimonials from people whose results are not typical!
050110 -- So it works?
050111 -- My stock-picking software needs more features. - I think I'll add a module that claims to make hair grow on bald guys. I'll first test it on a rat. - I feel a new one on my buttocks! That's all the proof I need.
050112 -- Do you ever feel guilty for scamming innocent people out of their money? No. - I only scam the people who would do the same thing to me if they were smarter. - So you use arrogance to cancel guilt? It's a good system.
051113 -- I must mark my territory by insisting on a change to the prototype. - Give it a wireless Internet option. It already has one. - What doesn't it have? An idiot designing it.
050114 -- I did a statistical analysis and found no correlation between my efforts and my rewards. - I felt adrift in a sea of randomness, desperate and absurd, devoid of purpose, lost. - And then I got paid and I purchased some unnecessary merchandise
050114 -- and now I feel fine. Lactation can't be far behind.
050115 -- My computer is too slow. I need to upgrade it. - I need a cost-benefit analysis including the cost of all alternatives, and vice president approval. - It was easier to get a second job and pay for the upgrade myself.
050116 -- Certified Massage Therapist Fill out this lengthy medical questionnaire. - That'll save me a few minutes of touching him. - I wonder if he'd know if I only used one hand. - Actually, how would he even know if it's a hand? - Maybe I have an
050116 -- object in here that feels like a hand. - This ballpoint pen will work. - I'm finding some tension here. Okay, it's gone now. click click click - She says I should come back every week until my muscles stop clicking. Sounds like you found a pen
050116 -- pal.
050117 -- Hey, Dilbert, can you update the yield numbers for our discontinued chips? - Well, if I have to choose between being rude and doing something useless... - Consider my crazy glare. I guess I'll start being useless.
050118 -- I'd like to promote you, but the lowest salary band for the next level is 20% higher than your current pay. - Raises are capped at 5%, so there's no way to give you a promotion. - So I plan to hire someone from the outside that you can train to
050118 -- be your supervisor.
050119 -- Tina, this is your new supervisor, Nelson. You'll be training him to be your boss. - There won't be any bonuses this year because I gave it all to Nelson. He's a man, so he needs to support a family. I'm gay. - Um...civil union and adoption,
050119 -- right? I'm dating a rugby team.
050120 -- Tina Trains Her Boss You'll find me in this chair, doing real work. - Your job, as i understand it, is to make uninformed decisions and act like a sociopathic egomaniac. - you'll usually stand like this. I also like to fidget and harrumph.
050121 -- I plan to open an art gallery with a full bar. - I'll specialize in putrid art that's unreasonably priced. - Synergy THASH SHO BEE-OO-TIFUL!!!
050122 -- Dogbert's Art Bar That painting is dreadful. It looks as if a rat created it. - Lucky guess. I'll ask you again at midnight. - Later That Night Ah wan shix of ose an shum bar nuts!!!
050123 -- You must learn that change is good. Change Is - Any Questions? - Who wants this one? I got it. - Question: why don't you triple our pay? That would be a change. - That would not be in the best interest of shareholders. - Okay, why don't you
050123 -- work for free? That's a change that is good for shareholders. - Or would it be better to admit that change can be very bad? - My favorite part was when he yelled, "stop ruining my slogans with your logic!" SNORT HEE-HEE!!!
050124 -- Alice, I hear that your project is stressful. - Sometimes it helps if you ask yourself: What's the worst thing that could happen? - How'd the pep talk go?
050125 -- Alice, what's the status of your project? - The astonishing incompetence of others caused me to jump through a window and land in a dumpster. - So then, no issues?
050126 -- Gaaa!!! This writer misused the technical term "dongle." That idiot! - I'm E-mailing this loser to tell him I plan to boycott the newspaper! - DIE, LOSER, DIE!!! I'll come back later.
050127 -- I just fired off a scathing letter to a columnist for misusing the word "dongle." - I'm intoxicated with the feeling of verbal superiority. My sad life has a meaning. I feel alive! - The Columnist Dear Nutbag, thanks for the input. Here's a
050127 -- link to a dictionary. I await your apology.
050128 -- Hey, I got a response from the newspaper columnist I reamed for misusing the word "dongle." - "Dear Nutbag...link to a dictionary...oops...it appears that I was wrong. - How do you apologize? Plan B: I accuse him of hating minorities.
050129 -- We'll build your software with all the features you want plus a few extras. - Or maybe you'll start late and claim there's no way to do everything by the deadline. - Then you'll say that the unfinished features aren't important and you're
050129 -- losing money on the deal. I can't hear you.
050130 -- Here's my vacation schedule. Good. - Whoa! You're planning to take more vacation days than you've accrued. - It's okay because I'll accrue the days before the actual vacation. - No can do. What if you quit before then? - I'm literally afraid to
050130 -- hear the answer to that question. - Think, man! If you quit and have a vacation at the same time... - I'LL BE DOWN *TWO* PEOPLE!!! - It's hard to remain upbeat. Do you still live here?
050131 -- Eating at your desk is like stealing from the company, Alice. - I'm working through my lunch hour, you furry log. - Furry log? It's a term of endearment.
050201 -- Alice, did you call the director of human resources a "furry log"? Yes. - I can't tell if you're promoting teamwork with a cute nickname or creating a hostile environment. - Which is it? It's teamwork, you squirrel-infested stump.
050202 -- This award goes to Asok for his hard work on...whatever. - My medication has been rewarded! This is the happiest moment of my life! - Wow! It's lucky that I got a new chair on the same day that mine was stolen.
050203 -- I keep getting bad service at stores. Do what I do. - I say I'm the CEO of their company and then I fire them all. - You don't look like a CEO. Too sexy?
050204 -- Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources I might change my department's name. - To "Workplace Services." BU-WHA-HA-HA-HA!!! - When things don't sound evil enough on their own, I like to toss in a bu-wha-ha-ha-ha.
050205 -- Our new VP of Marketing has twenty years of experience in an unrelated industry. - But he assured me that technology is the same as shampoo. - I predict smooth sailing. Technology? I thought you said astrology.
050206 -- Carol, I want to be certain that everything is perfect for the CEO's visit. - Check the doughnuts to make sure that they're fresh and delicious. - Later Mmm...this this one is okay. - How can I be sure this isn't the one good doughnut in the
050206 -- batch - I'll have to taste every one of them. - CAROL!!! - Don't panic. I can fix this. - This is odd: most of my doughnut is delicious, but one part tastes like gum.
050207 -- Can you work well without supervision? - No. I need continuous supervision to keep me from stealin' and harassin'. - I think we're done here. Do you mind if I show myself out?
050208 -- Can you work well without supervision? - Yes! I thrive on vague objectives and a complete lack of recognition for my contribution! - Can you handle criticism? I'm not too proud to say it excites me!
050209 -- People think I'm worthless, but in fact I'm a subject-matter expert in a very narrow field. - It's so narrow that it requires no knowledge whatsoever. - What field is it? There's no way to know for sure.
050210 -- I need a Blackberry so I can be in E-Mail contact at all times. - I'll be able to do work all day and all night. My productivity will soar! - Trust me; it doesn't look good.
050211 -- I'm addicted to E-Mail. My endorphins spike when I get a message. - When there are no messages, loneliness and despair overcome me. - Have you tried sending E-Mail to yourself? We don't talk about that.
050212 -- Bob, I bought you a Blackberry so I can send you E-Mail day or night. WOW! - Thank you! I always wanted one of these! - De-e-elicious.
050213 -- La-la-la-la-la...oops. - I inadvertently erased our entire customer database and all of the backups. - How can I explain this to our pointy-haired boss? - Grab your laptop and follow me. - It's only a prototype, so whatever you do, don't touch
050213 -- anything. - touch touch touch GAAA!!! YOU ERASED THE CUSTOMER DATABASE!!! - ALL OF THE BACKUPS, TOO, YOU STUPID, STUPID #**!*! - I should have stopped before #**!*!
050214 -- FBI. We need to talk to you. - We've traced the source of all Internet spam to your house. - *All* of it? - ...the revolutionary new pill that turns your body fat into Rolex watches!
050215 -- FBI. We have reason to believe that you're the source of all Internet spam. - I'm the director of the FBI. And you're both fired. - I'd heard that he likes to dress up as other mammals. Creepy.
050216 -- I'm collecting money for Ted's baby shower. - My taxes already subsidize his other brats. I'm taking a refund. - I just put that five in there! I can't be responsible for your poor fiscal planning.
050217 -- The last election was incredibly close. That's why it is so important to vote. - Smart, well-informed people were evenly divided. Therefore, logically, that proves that intelligence is not a factor, so voting is absurd. - Then you have no
050217 -- right to complain about the result. I'm pretty sure I do.
050218 -- I'm going to work for the cable company. Why? - I enjoy giving people absurd service windows. Oh. - Well, if you can't be home from march to October, then say goodbye to Regis and Kelly!
050219 -- Dogbert Works For The Cable Company If your picture is fuzzy then get new glasses. - If my glasses is the problem, why does the couch look perfectly clear? - Good question. Please hold while I transfer you to couch tech support.
050220 -- Let's have a premeeting before your meeting with out vice president. - Don't mention any problems because he might try to fix them. - Don't say anything about budgets or deadlines because he might try to reduce them. - Leave out the technical
050220 -- stuff because it will only confuse him. - That leaves me nothing to talk about. Perfect! - Hello...and in summary, are there any questions? - Wow! That is the first presentation that hasn't made me feel nauseated or dizzy! Great job! - Why does
050220 -- success make me hate humanity? They deserve it.
050221 -- Did I leave my chapstick in here? Ooh, there it is. - Tastes different. - I lost a good glue stick, but I gained a few hours of quiet.
050222 -- I have to do a credit check on your company before we do any work. It's our policy. - I resent that! Just because I'm a small businessman, that doesn't mean I'm a deadbeat! - I didn't mean to imply... Do you know if the parking garage accepts
050222 -- acorns?
050223 -- The only way to meet our sales target is by selling to customers who have bad credit. - That's okay. We'll get our bonuses before anyone realizes that the accounts receivables are worthless. - The key to getting bonuses is acting surprised
050223 -- later. I feel unclean.
050224 -- Today I got a bonus for selling stuff to a customer who probably can't play. - Does your soda taste any less delicious? No. - Congratulations, you're a sociopath. It feels kinda good.
050225 -- He doesn't respect my work. I can tell by the way he's sitting. - Two can play this game. I will hate you with the fury of a thousand suns! - Die! Die! Die! Rats. I sat down wrong and gave myself a wedgie.
050226 -- I think we should talk and try to work out our problem. What problem? - I'm referring to your utter disrespect for me. I don't disrespect you. - Not even slightly? Wait. I feel a little bit coming on right now.
050227 -- Your project deadline is next month, and I can't imagine you finishing on time. - So I dinged you on your annual performance review. - But...I *will* finish on time. I *always* finish on time. - Well, let's agree to disagree. What?!! - You're
050227 -- basing my raise on what you *imagine* I won't do in the future! - Relax. If you do finish the project on time, I'll factor it into your next annual review. - Well...okay. I guess it all averages out. - One Year Later Remember the project hat I
050227 -- finished last year? No. But the new one looks like it will be late.
050228 -- Wally, I want you to attend a meeting for me...it's in Elbonia. - First, you'll need to take a class on their culture so you won't accidentally offend them. - This gesture either means "hello" or "I'd like to see your mittens on my bedroom
050228 -- floor, baby."
050301 -- Elbonian Culture Class When an Elbonian businessman gives you his card... - Crumple it up and put it in your mouth. Chew it slowly then spit it towards his forehead. - This leads me to my next topic: dueling with yak bones.
050302 -- Elbonia has no landing strips, so you'll have to jump out of the plane. - Try to flap your arms and aim for a plump Elbonian to cushion your fall. - Airplane. Dang
050303 -- I hate landing in Elbonia. WHUMP!!! - Hi. I'm from America and I'm here to help.
050304 -- In Elbonia I'm here from American and I'm here to fix all of your problems. - Your arrogance is offensive. We will form an armed resistence and fight you to the end of time! - Um...why? It's just something we do.
050305 -- My business trip to Elbonia was a big success. - If anyone tells you that I caused a civil war that plunged their society into darkness, it's a lie. - Did you loot me anything? I didn't know your size.
050306 -- Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources I need to hire an assistant manager. - I want someone similar to me, but slightly worse in every way. - Worse than *you*??? - Yes, but only slightly. mmm... - The ideal candidate wouldn't be a threat to
050306 -- replace me. - I'll check my database of applicants who are both hideous and criminally insane. - I said *slightly* worse. Exactly. I found one. - I can pretend to read in five languages. I hate cats.
050307 -- Wally, I want you to go help Alice on her project. - Have you tried working harder? Sometimes that works. - I hope she doesn't become dependent on my help.
050308 -- Wally, I asked you to help Alice on her project but all you did was tell her to work harder. - You can't just tell someone to work harder and expect it to happen! - Aren't you doing that right now? Shut up and go work harder.
050309 -- We're having a problem with rats in the office. - You might want to upgrade your level of hygiene from "rat bait" to "unwashed." - I think I first felt my first tingle of job satisfaction!
050310 -- Have you ever noticed that the things that don't kill you make you *weaker*? - And great minds 'don't* think alike. If they did, the patent office would only have about fifty inventions. - I started getting suspicious when I cried over split
050310 -- milk and the cashier took if off my bill.
050311 -- Our company will be relocating to a high-crime area for tax reasons. - Our CEO says, "Don't worry about your safety because your limo can pull right into the underground garage." - Then he added, "Or chain your bicycle to a wino. Whatever."
050312 -- Don't worry that the company is moving to a high-crime area. - My experts assure me that you'll have a 90% chance of survival every time you walk outside. - That estimate depends on the assumption that the gang members became exhausted from
050312 -- beating you up.
050313 -- We need more staff for project Caribou. Caribou? Is that the new chip? - No, you're thinking of project Caribbean. - Caribou is like project Muskrat but with a lower P.R.O.R.C. P.R.O.R.C.? - Projected Return on Research Capital. - I s Muskrat
050313 -- the enterprise software project? - Um...no...that would be project Meerkat. - Cancel project Musk Ox, move the staff over to project Zebra, delay Panda and Squirrel and give me a status report on Proboscis Monkey. - We don't have any projects
050313 -- with these names. How's that my fault?
050314 -- I hat walking to work in this high-crime area. - TAKE THIS, YOU FIDUCIARY MISCONDUCTING *#@!% - That was out C.F.O. I know.
050315 -- Senior management has decided to move our office out of this high-crime area. - Because every one of them was beaten up in front of the building by a guy with pyramid-shaped hair. - Police released this sketch. The guy like to yell something
050315 -- about a "fist of death."
050316 -- Asok, your pointy-haired boss wants you to set up a conference call with all the division managers. - Um...wouldn't that be the secretary's job? And aren't *you* his secretary? - Hey, I know. Why don't you try to get an appointment with him so
050316 -- you can ask that question?
050317 -- Hello, this is Asok the intern. I am trying to set up a conference call with your boss and 15 people. - Could you tell me all of the times he is available in the next six months? Only august sixth between 8:35 and 8:40. - So far, so good.
050318 -- The conference call was a huge success. - Three out of 15 people were available and only one of them forgot to call in. - So it was a phone call between two people? It would have been if they wouldn't have used the mute buttons.
050319 -- Alice, I need your forecast and I need it right now. - I predict that someday you'll wear your pants so high that you'll choke yourself to death with your belt. - And the towns-people will erect a statue to honor the belt. Stupid towns-people.
050320 -- I missed the introductions. - I'll use my manager instinct to figure out who's important. - Only a senior executive could get away with looking so disengaged. - I'll mirror his mannerisms so he'll like me. - Now for a witty side comment. Ha ha!
050320 -- That will happen when monkeys fly out of my nose. - No reaction! He must be so important that he has no sense of humor! - I PLEDGE MY LOYALTY TO YOU AND ONLY YOU!!! - I heard that you pledged your loyalty to a dead guy. At leas he won't ask
050320 -- for much.
050321 -- Ted, I don't know how to say this. - We need to lean up the process improvement process so I have to smartsize one resource. - Wow. Usually it's just a figure of speech when people say, "I don't know how to say this."
050322 -- From now on, all of my arguments will be based on definitions that are not in any dictionary. - For example, I could argue that you're a fascist because you're wearing pajamas. - I'm only wearing the top. Man, I wish I didn't know that.
050323 -- And so that's why... Excuse me, you're not entitled to your opinion. - I copyrighted all of the stupidest opinions in the universe so they can never be again uttered. - Hey! I just realized that I no longer need to drink!
050324 -- How can you think that the software integration project is a waste of time??! I don't. - But if history is my guide, you will abuse the next hour of my life by insisting that I defend your misunderstanding of what I think. - So *why* do you
050324 -- think it's a waste of time? Do you mind if I work while you hallucinate?
050325 -- I'm the victim of an ugly rumor at work. - Are you saying that the *rumor* is ugly or that the rumor is that *you're* ugly? - I'm saying the rumor itself is ugly. Well, then I have more bad news for you.
050326 -- What's this I hear about you hating the software integration project? - I don't hate it. I simply mentioned both the pros and cons. People are so conditioned to take sides that a balanced analysis looks to them like hatred. - How can you hate
050326 -- it so much??!! - This is one of those days when it's hard to be me.
050327 -- Carol, the new manager hasn't hired an admin, so I said he could share you. WHAT?!! - I'm drowning in work, and you want to double my load? - It's no big deal. Just prioritize your work. - And I need you to fax this. No can do. - My top
050327 -- priority is getting the new guy all set up. - Hmm...I guess that's fair. I'll send him over. - I can't order your business cards; I need to do a huge faxing project! - Hee hee! Marmaduke is sitting on something again!
050328 -- All of your problems are caused by emotionally unstable coworkers. - Try prescribing meds from the Internet to fix their defects. - Okay. That one was the wrong choice. Let's try something else. GRRRR!
050329 -- Wally, I've noticed that you seem bloated and lethargic. - I prescribe these pills. They come highly recommended. - I know they're safe because I bought them on the Internet.
050330 -- Karl, you're a habitual liar but these pills that I ordered over the Internet will cure you. - I've never lied in my life, but I can't resist free stuff. - Um...are you alive? Never felt better!
050331 -- The Habitual Liar I thought you died. No, I feel great! - I'm sure you're dead. Your head is a skull. I cut back on carbs. - Your head isn't even attached to your body. I take yoga.
050401 -- Habitual Liar Are you sticking with your story that you're still alive? I feel terrific! - I'm running a marathon later today. Lo Priced Cremations While You Wait! - I'm a genie in a bottle! Make a wish! GAAA!!!
050402 -- The Cremated Habitual Liar I'm learning to salsa dance in here. - YOU ARE *NOT* SALSA DANCING! YOU HAVE NO BODY - Tell that to my dance instructor. Focus!
050403 -- This is a prototype of the product I've been developing for the past year. - I modified a pair of standard noise-cancellation headphones to recognize stupidity and block it before it reaches your ears. Duh! - Put these on and you'll enjoy the
050403 -- total bliss that comes from avoiding the chatter of idiots. - Do they work? - What? - I SAID, DO THEY WORK?!! - Does anyone have any questions? - Those are ordinary headphones, aren't they? If you act like you can't hear, they're a prototype.
050404 -- I need a nickname to create the illusion of competence. - I was thinking along the lines of "The Wizard" or "Info-Guru." - I've never wanted to punch you more than at this very moment.
050405 -- From now on, my nickname will be "The Wizard." It speaks to my guru status. - I think I'll call you "The Lizard." It speaks of your small brain and lack of ambition. - Please don't. - Let's see which one catches on quicker.
050406 -- We need a new marketing campaign but we have no budget for it whatsoever. - Who among us is brave enough to lead such a bold and risky project? - Okay, you're doing the worst job of hiding under the table.
050407 -- Dogbert's Tech Support Please fill out the online customer satisfaction survey. - Um...but you even haven't tried to help me yet. - I like to base my help on how happy you expect to be.
050408 -- I hand-picked you two for my team because we have no budget. - Wally, your laziness helps to accomplish the most work with the least effort. Yvonne, your hotness gives you the power to make men do what you want for nothing. - So, then Yvonne
050408 -- convinced me to do her work and Wally went on disability leave. But, otherwise a good meeting?
050409 -- I might have no budget and no staff to help me on my project, but that doesn't matter. - Because all I need are my wits and my computer. My computer is too slow. I'm taking yours. - My wits and...this pencil. Hey, isn't that my pencil?
050410 -- Here are your regular goals and your stretch goals. - What's the difference? - The regular goals can be achieved by sacrificing your health and your personal life. - The stretch goals require all of that plus some sort of criminal conduct. - I'm
050410 -- guessing that your boss gave you the regular goals, and you came up with the stretch goals on your own. - That way, when I achieve the regular goals, you'll get a raise but I'll get none because I missed the stretch goals. - Then you'll get a
050410 -- bonus for keeping salaries below budget. - Maybe we should talk about the ultra-stretchy goals later.
050411 -- How can I create a marketing campaign if my boss doesn't want to give me any resources? - Try giving free samples to people who like celebrities. - And you would be? Donald Trump. Give me some free stuff.
050412 -- My marketing plan involved giving free samples of our cruddy product to celebrity lookalikes. sales - The fact that it worked caused a steep decline in my respect for the intelligence of people. - In conclusion, there's a fine line between
050412 -- marketing and hating.
050413 -- Alice, you are looking at the newest member of "The World's Greatest Interns." - That's a scam to convince gullible interns to buy overpriced wall plaques. - I'll be displaying you less prominently than we had discussed.
050414 -- Our marketing plan was to find a sports stadium to brand with our company's name. - The hard part was finding a team so juiced up that our reputation seemed good in comparison. - How do you feel about the new stadium name? Rage. Same as always.
050415 -- Carol, I decided to take the entire staff out to a five-star restaurant lunch. - The food is so good that it's almost intoxicating. When paired with the right wine, the experience is a once-in-a-life-time sensation. - While we're gone, you'll
050415 -- need to answer everyone's phone.
050416 -- The police say I'm the victim of identity theft. - Now I am doomed to wander the earth without knowing who I am. - That would mean you're wearing a stranger's underpants. GAAA!!
050417 -- Introducing LOOPY The Woman Who Couldn't End a Story - Did I tell you about my vacation? uh-oh. - We learned about coconuts. I'm trapped. - Coconuts are round and hairy, and they grow on trees. Must escape. - Coconut trees are found in many
050417 -- countries. Must use my ejector seat. - FOOMP! Ha ha! - They're brown. Gaaa!!! She has a pursuit chair!!! - I took lots of pictures. Must...aim for traffic.
050418 -- Our vendor's rep says they can't deliver the parts for three months. - That just means he promised the parts to some other customer who did a better job of threatening him. - How about if I say we'll never buy from you again? I'd say you're not
050418 -- exactly buying from us now.
050419 -- All you did this quarter is design *one* microchip. - In comparison, I found the time to attend *dozens* of meetings. - Now do you see what it takes to be a manager? Sadly, yes.
050420 -- You're healthy but I have to give you a prescription for Toxikill. - The drug company's rep is totally hot and she said she'd take me to lunch if I sell enough of this stuff. - Will there be any side effects? Depends on what I eat.
050421 -- Don't feel bad if you only got a 3% raise; I only got 2% myself. - Can we feel bad that 2% of *your* pay is bigger than 3% of *our* pay? - Don't get all mathy on me.
050422 -- Hello. My Crashinbox(tm) computer keeps freezing up. - There are 25 possible fixes but they must be tried in every possible combination. - That's 625 things I'd have to try with no guarantee that any of it will work. - So you're saying you're
050422 -- lazy?
050423 -- While you're here, be a dear and run some Cat-5 to my walk-in closet so I can watch my shows when I'm in there. - I've noticed that you only invite me over when you need a cable pulled. - I don't want to put a bug in your salad, but I will. I'm
050423 -- glad we had this talk.
050424 -- My accomplishment this month was opening a file that someone E-mailed. - That took an entire month? - It wasn't that easy. I didn't have the right software to open the file. - I tried to download the viewer from the Internet but the web site
050424 -- didn't support my browser. - And I couldn't upgrade my browser until I upgraded my operating system! - That required me to upgrade all of my applications software, too. - My hard disk got maxed out, so I had to upgrade my computer and transfer
050424 -- all of the files. - So, then you got to view the file? Yeah...it was a funny one about a cat.
050425 -- Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources Don't rate any employees "excellent" because then they'd expect raises. - Don't give any bad ratings either because it would reflect poorly on your ability to hire and motivate people. - How will I make
050425 -- the useless people feel bad if I'm rating them "good"? Try using this scrowl.
050426 -- Wally, I'm rating you "good" but not because you are. - Company policy says I have to fire anyone rated lower than good, and the hiring freeze means it would shrink my empire. - So you can get paid for doing nothing as long as you don't kill
050426 -- anyone. I can't promise that.
050427 -- Asok, I decided to give you a slight promotion! Gasp! A slight promotion! - The pay will be the same but you can make your cubicle slightly larger by shaving the ragged fabric on the inside walls. - You new title is spelled just like the old
050427 -- one but it's pronounced completely differently.
050428 -- Oh no. It's a technical glitch that I don't know how to fix. - Gaa!! Now I must humble myself to some condescending engineer and ask for help! - And how did I teach you to ask? I'm sorry that I spent my college years drinking beer and studying
050428 -- English literature.
050429 -- Just disable the local cache mode to fix the MAPI settings, and delete the duplicate messaging subsystem registry key. - What if I don't understand anything you said right then? good grief! I can't make it any simpler! - GAAA!!! It's funny
050429 -- because it's cruel.
050430 -- Once again you have failed to motivate me. - I don't want to become like my coworkers, always plotting ways to sabotage your career. - Now would be a good time for you to say something inspirational.
050501 -- I've received some complaints that you've been badgering managers. - Hm...badgering, you say. - Let me see if I understand this "badgering" concept. - Let's say that I need a manager's decision on a critical issue... - And the manager in
050501 -- question ignores my E-mails and phone calls... - Shouldn't I insist that this manager do the job for which he is overpaid?!!! - HUH? SHOULDN'T I? WHAT DO YOU SAY? HUH? HUH? HOW ABOUT IT? HUH? - I'll say I talked to her.
050502 -- Dilbert, we're low of space. You'll have to share your cubicle. - This is outrageous! I will fight this all the way to the board of directors! - Hola. My name is Lola. But then I remembered the importance of teamwork.
050503 -- I hope you don't mind that I'll be sharing your cubicle. Umm...I don't mind. - There's only one chair. Do you mind if I sit on your lap? Umm...I don't mind. - I can't imagine how this could be better. Which one of the Star Trek series did you
050503 -- like best?
050504 -- Should I date a coworker? - You should date anything that has a pulse, bad judgment and no restraining orders against you. - But she has to be hot. Settle for "still warm."
050505 -- It's too bad that we share a cubicle. Otherwise I'd date you. - If I didn't work out, we'd have to see each other every day. - ...always reminded of your incredible time together. WHERE's THE BAD?!! WHERE'S THE BAD?!
050506 -- Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources As part of my ongoing campaign against employee happiness... - Employees are not allowed to date each other. - Now you're forbidden fruit...yummy. Stay back, rule-breaker.
050507 -- A cubicle vacancy opened up, so I'll be moving out of here. - My attorney will contact you about dividing up our workspace property. - Next, can you prove that you had both eyebrows before you met my client?
050508 -- I completed the audit of your new $150 million software system. - I recommend that you scrap the entire thing. - WHAT?!! How could the entire thing be worthless? - Well, your normal software system would be a clever combination of ones and
050508 -- zeros. - Yours is all ones. - There must be some way to tweak it until it works. - My company can sell you all the zeros you need, but you'll have to arrange them yourself. - When you have a few minutes, I have a little assignment for you.
050509 -- First Day On The Job Employee orientation was great! Now where do you want me to start? - I'm kind of busy. Maybe you could look at our web site and guess what you should be doing. - GAAA!!! What happened to my back??? Stress; you get used to
050509 -- it.
050510 -- The New Employee No assignment...no computer...no friends to talk to... - It's just me and this huge stress hump. - Must...resist...urge...to name the hump...and talk to it. wazzup?
050511 -- The New Employee Maybe if I make a friend at work it will reduce my stress hump. - I must choose carefully because I will be judged by the people I choose to associate with. - Hi. I'm the new guy. The lazy people have found each other.
050512 -- The New Guy We have a strong culture of Teamwork here. - While you're doing those easy tasks, I'll be off doing assignments of unimaginable difficulty. - Did anyone warn you that we have a strong culture of getting suckers to do your work?
050513 -- The New Guy Hey, new guy, that's quite a stress hump you have there. Maybe I can fix it. - YAAA!! PUNCH - Wow!! It's gone! Does that always work? I dunno. To be honest, I just wanted to punch it.
050514 -- Could I have a few days off to see if my stress hump goes away? - Stress is all in your mind. I should fire you and your hump right now for even asking! - Just because he said no? It was the way he said it.
050515 -- Mister Dogbert has agreed to consult for $400 per hour. - I know it's expensive but you get what you pay for. - Let's get the ball rolling. - My first question is: what process will you be using to arrive at your recommendations? - - A... -
050515 -- very... - slow one.
050516 -- Sale I'm looking for a practical vehicle that's also good for the environment. - I recommend the Envirocrusher-4. It weighs 40 tons and it uses owls for fuel. - Where would I get that many owls? The engine noise stuns them. You just pick them
050516 -- up off the ground.
050517 -- My new SUV uses owls for fuel. It seemed like a good idea but now I can't find enough owls. - You'll have to start breeding your own owls. That's what I figured. - You said there would be rodents.
050518 -- The Accounting Department I can't process your travel expenses because you sent me copies of receipts. I need the originals. - I'm busy. Just fax them. -
050519 -- Don't blame me, but there's no budget to give you a raise this year. Why not? - My business trip to Las Vegas cost four million dollars because I passed out in the bathtub with the water running and flooded five floors. - The bartenders there
050519 -- are totally irresponsible.
050520 -- Asok, this is important, but you have a month to finish it. I'll start right away. - It's smarter to wait until the last minute and then make a big show of how hard you're working to meet the unreasonable deadline. - You said that right in
050520 -- front of him. It'll still work. That's the freaky part.
050521 -- You have to have a leadership succession plan. - There's a freeze on hiring, so you'll need to pick someone from your staff. - So, if something horrible happened to you, I'd get a promotion? This was a bad idea.
050522 -- Alice, company policy says that personal items can not be higher than the cubicle wall. - Just out of curiosity, what is the logic behind that bizarre policy? - We want to maintain a smooth line-of-sight for aesthetic reasons. - Let me see if I
050522 -- understand your point of view. - My Einstein doll makes the cubicle so hideous that our stock price will plunge. - Now if I take it down... - Gasp! It's so beautiful now! My soul is filled with music! My life has meaning! - Hey! I just notice
050522 -- that when I look at this doll and you at the same time, you look hideous.
050523 -- There's a medical procedure that will make you more attractive to the opposite sex. - The doctors would remove every part of your body and replace them with the parts from an attractive guy. - It sounds painful. Not if you do it all at once.
050524 -- Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources I need help balancing my career with my personal life. - I recommend a book called "No One Will Ever Love You." It'll crush your hope for a personal life and free up more time for work. - That sounds
050524 -- unhealthy. Take a pill, crybaby.
050525 -- I'm having trouble balancing my work life and my personal life. How do you do it? - I use job anger to destabilize my hormonal balance and crush any competing urges. - That reminds me: I need to punch something today or I'll want to have kids.
050526 -- No one has any good advice on how I can balance my work with my personal life. You didn't ask me. - I take the Zen approach of having no friends and doing no work. Hence, perfect balance. - Where did you get that definition of Zen? I used to
050526 -- read, but it's faster to make up stuff.
050527 -- Milt, you have a wife and kids. How do you find time to do everything you need to do? - I had to give up a few things, such as exercising and eating healthy food. - That sounds dangerous. Nah. The kids are trained to use the defibrilator.
050528 -- Dogbert's Tech Support - You have a bad case of computer rot. - Your computer is designed to become slower and more unreliable over time so you have to upgrade. - But if you'd like some false hope, I can tell you how to defragment your disk
050528 -- drive.
050529 -- Can I show you something I'm proud of? - I automated a task that used to take me three hours. - Well, well, well. Isn't that just like you? - Resourceful? Lazy. - - Did you just turn my brilliant accomplishment into a character flaw? -
050529 -- Complainer. - Let's just forget the whole thing. Quitter.
050530 -- We've just been informed that out product's name means something bad in the Elbonian language. - It means "the intense pleasure derived from giving yourself a wedgie." - Thus was hatched the greatest prank ever perpetrated by Elbonia. I gotta
050530 -- try that.
050531 -- I thought I hired a genius. - But he turned out to bean ordinary guy faking a British accent. - 'ello, bird. 'ow 'bout a spot o' tea? Whot do you say, Gov'nor? Who's making those sexy sounds?
050601 -- I think I'm in love with the new guy because of his fake British accent. He's mine! - You're married. I am? Wow! His British accent made me forget. - I say, old beans, did anyone see by brolly on the lift? swooh I'm single.
050602 -- Congratulations, Alice. You're one of my two candidates for a promotion to management. - The other candidate has no qualifications except for his manager-sounding voice. - And he doesn't make that face.
050603 -- I couldn't buy the software I need to do my job because of your freeze on expenses. - And your I.S. policy says I can't use the freeware version that is readily available. - So I used the week to develop some new coffee-sipping noises.
050604 -- What are you doing? Holding up the wall? - Zing! That was a good one. - Have you met the new structural engineer?
050605 -- Wally, the status report that you E-mailed is blank. - That's because eagles can't type. What? - The motivational poster in the break says I should be like an eagle. - The point of that poster is that your spirit should soar like an eagle while
050605 -- you continue to do mundane work. - Wouldn't I die if my spirit left my body to go soar? - You're confusing your spirit with your soul. - While your spirit is soaring, your soul should remain trapped in your body, slowly decaying while you
050605 -- create your status report. - Would it change anything if I got a poster that says, "You want it when?!!"
050606 -- The beta version looks great. Now ask if they'll toss in an archive option for no extra money. - That's a great idea. Or...maybe I could save time by realizing that they aren't raging morons who enjoy working for free. - It's all in the way
050606 -- they'll ask. I'll try yelling.
050607 -- I'm Dogbert, your life coach. I'm here because you're an unmotivated, drifting, unorganized dolt. - Life coach? I didn't ask for a life coach. - Which part of "unmotivated, drifting, unorganized dolt" is confusing you?
050608 -- Keep a journal of everything you do. That way you'll know where you need help. - Now I am writing in my journal. I am still writing in my journal. Now I am writing about writing in my journal. - Ooh, I think I felt a little personal growth
050608 -- there.
050609 -- Have you ever noticed that all of the good people quit? - There's no one left here but wretched, incompetent, lazy miscreants. - A-a-nyhoo.
050610 -- I don't have enough resources to do my job. - Isn't that like saying, "how now, brown cow"? - You think things can't get worse. But they can.
050611 -- I have to cut your project's budget by ten percent. Ten percent? - That's the sort of round number you would pick if you did no thinking whatsoever. - Anything can be cut by ten percent without affecting the result. Cool! I'm cutting back to 36
050611 -- hours per week!
050612 -- I need Tuesday off because my son is having his tonsils removed. - Since when do you know how to remove tonsils? - Um...I won't be performing the surgery myself. - Do you have a rare blood type to donate? - No. Actually, I was planning on
050612 -- sitting in the waiting room to give him moral support. - So your kid is immoral and sick? He sounds like a real winner. - What I mean is that I plan to have a cold o Tuesday. - Well, I can see where your kid gets it from.
050613 -- Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources In order to improve office efficiency, all birthdays will be celebrated on the same day. - Do you mean one celebration per year, or just once and then we're done forever? Just once. - Well, at least
050613 -- I'll feel special once. What day is the celebration? Yesterday.
050614 -- Here's my bill for the consulting work I've done for you over the past year. - What consulting? I haven't seen any reports. I did it all in my head. I don't like to waste paper. - What's your recommendation? Status quo. You're doing everything
050614 -- right.
050615 -- I keep paying you for consulting, but you never make any recommendations. I'm what you call a "Feel Good." - My job is to make you feel secure in the knowledge that someone brilliant is shaping your strategies. - This is weird; I hate you, but
050615 -- at the same time I feel good. You're welcome.
050616 -- Dogbert Consults Incentivize the resources to grow their bandwidth to your end-state vision. - Don't open the kimono until you ping the change agent for a brain dump and drill down to your core competencies. - Confused look...huge
050616 -- invoice...this man is a victim of consult and blabbery.
050617 -- I'm ready for a new batch of tiger meat. Grrr! - I want a project that will challenge my abilities, bring glory to the company and delight our stockholders! - How about this one? Nope. Not challenging enough. I'll give it to one of the less
050617 -- motivated employees.
050618 -- Our core values are service, integrity, respect, teamwork, responsibility, trust, diversity, value honesty, fun, passion, fairness and excellence. - How should we deal with the inherent conflicts? I mean, what if I want to be irresponsible in a
050618 -- fun and passionate way? - You have to do all of them. I notice that hygiene didn't make the list.
050619 -- This needs to be done right away. - According to the day, you've had this on your desk for three weeks. - Now I'll have to work all weekend to finish it by the deadline! - Sometimes you have to soar by the eagles. - Gaaa!!! You're reading that
050619 -- from the motivational poster behind me! - If I have any questions about this, can I call you over the weekend? - My cell phone doesn't work when I'm on my sixty-foot, luxury sailboat. - AY-YI-YI-YI-YI!!! Hey, if you can't take the heat, get out
050619 -- of the...uh...kitchen.
050620 -- Dogbert Consults Your CEO is the worst performer in the entire Fortune 500. - Your best bet is convince him to become a reckless adventurer. - Tell me again why I'd want to bungee jump into an active volcano? Because you can!
050621 -- It's good P.R. for the company when the CEO is a fearless adventurer. Sounds dangerous. - Don't worry. I've asked your chief financial officer to be in charge of safety. - Okay, who estimated the length of the bungee cord?
050622 -- Your CEO was underperforming, so I convinced him to bungee jump into a live volcano. Problem solved. - Well, he underperformed and he got punished. - Pumiced, actually. Evil, yet amusing.
050623 -- Dogbert's Executive Search Firm You need to hire a big name CEO to get some buzz. - You want someone with a reputation for toughness, who knows how to get the most out of people. - Come back later, I'm still getting the most out of this one.
050624 -- Dogbert's Executive Search Firm How would you like to be the CEO of a major corporation? - You'd be paid $100 million per year just for showing up. I'd have to see the dental plan. - He's not very effective during the day.
050625 -- Dogbert's Executive Search Firm Ratbert, would you like to be the CEO of a major corporation? - That had always been my dream...until I found this extension cord to gnaw on. Now I'm committed to seeing it through. - He's a risk-taker who won't
050625 -- stop until he achieves his goal.
050626 -- And that's my design plan. Are there any questions? - It reminds me of Egyptian hieroglyphics. Are you sure they didn't patent it? - Um...I don't think that's likely. - But there's still some risk? - First of all, I didn't use hieroglyphics.
050626 -- Secondly, the ancient Egyptians didn't have microchips. Thirdly, they didn't have patent laws. - Oh yeah? Then how did they build the pyramids? Good point. - Do some research on that question and get back to us next week. - Next on the agenda:
050626 -- why do our projects take so long? What?
050627 -- Ratbert The CEO Miss Pennington, have my diner. Fetch the limo. - My name isn't Miss Pennington. It's Harold. And? - Um...and...I'll have it legally changed to Miss Pennington so you won't be wrong. Plus the surgery.
050628 -- The best part about being CEO is that it made me smarter. Watch this. - The capital of Japan is Mitsubishi. That's right! You're a genius! - Yesterday I would have said nine.
050629 -- Ratbert The CEO I've only been CEO for two days and already losing my empathy. - For example, I'm pretty sure that decorating my office is more important than your healthcare.  -Which reminds me: I plan to have you varnished and used as my
050629 -- desk.
050630 -- Ratbert The CEO The board has learned that you've been dipping employees in varnish and using them as office furniture. - We voted to fire you. Your severance package includes $100 million, the corporate jet, perpetual benefits and a salary of
050630 -- $1 million per year. - BU-YA! He's taking it well.
050701 -- You're a successful engineer and I'm a failed CEO. It's kind of funny that I'm worth $100 million and you're not. - It's funny because it's all reverse of how it should be. - It's funny because your head wouldn't normally fit inside a glass.
050702 -- In order to avoid shoddy mistakes, everything we do from now on will be part of a documented process. - What documented process did you use to decide what documented process to use? - Or is this one of those shoddy mistakes I keep hearing
050702 -- about?
050703 -- Dilbert, come to my office for a minute. - What's in your office? - You and I will be there. - If you just want to talk, we can do it right here and save us both some time. - Maybe we need privacy. Did you ever think of that? Do we need it? -
050703 -- No. That was just an example. There are many, many reasons why we should talk in my office. - I'll be fascinated to find out what kind of information is geographically dependent. - Now, do you have the results from the benchmark tests? Yup. In
050703 -- my cubicle.
050704 -- All of my ex-boyfriends were sexy and handsome. - I finally realized that dating sexy, handsome men isn't for me. - I feel a mixed blessing coming my way. What are you doing for lunch.
050705 -- I'm tired of dating pretty boys where I need to look and act my best all the time. - I want a guy who knows he can't do better than me, no matter what I look like. - MORE BREAD!!!
050706 -- Company Lawyer This contract would be subject to a "reasonable man" interpretation. - Where is this guy? I'll squash him like a bug! - Okay, moving on... It's you! I knew it!
050707 -- When you do something I don't like, I'll let you know by cursing and then spitting on your forehead. - Maybe you could just tell me what I did wrong. - #*%*!
050708 -- Do you think it's fair that you keep spitting on me just because you disagree with what I say? - Why am I the one who always has to change to make other people happy? - Because you're the crazy one. Now you're all quiet. Why can't men learn to
050708 -- communicate?
050709 -- You've got a bad case of manager's elbow. - It's caused by patting yourself on the back and covering your butt at the same time. - I recommend that you join the Cirque de Soleil. I'm giving you a prescription for a leotard.
050710 -- Asok, the move that I am about to teach you is called the "Wally Reflector." - Throughout the day, bad people will try to make you do work for them. - At first, offer no resistance, as if you actually plan to do the work. - Then ask the
050710 -- offender to do a little bit of work himself. Allow me to demonstrate. - Wally, I need you to design a database for all of our product features and services. Glad to do it! - All I need from you is a comprehensive list of the data fields you
050710 -- need included. - Oh...wow. I'm really busy. I'll have to get back to you on that. - And I'll never see that idiot again. You inspire me, in a creepy kind of way.
050711 -- Asok, I'm flying to Los Angeles for a meeting and I want you to join me. GASP - I am honored. This feels like an important milestone in my burgeoning career! - We'll begin by preboarding anyone who...coming through!
050712 -- Your seat is next to mine, but I don't like to sit by people. - It's a full flight, so I don't see how I could...oh dear... - No, I will not "scooch over."
050713 -- Five-Star Hotel I'd like a wake-up call at 6 A.M. and a second one at 6:15 - Then I'd like a team of bellmen to lift the head of the bed while blind maids hold my pants so I can slide into them. - Why yes, as a matter of fact, I *am* a manager.
050714 -- Five-Star Hotel I'd like to order breakfast and schedule a massage. - Mmm...a nice massage and then breakfast. - Well, I *would* "get rubbing," but I'm only the breakfast guy.
050715 -- I hope you enjoyed your stay. I'll just check to see what movies you rented. - GAA!!! GAAA!!! GAAA!!! GAAA!!! GAAA!!! - An I recommend that we burn the furniture.
050716 -- I invented a cure for the common cold. - The possible side-effects are coughing, sore throat, runny nose, congestion and nausea. - So...It's a pill that makes you nauseous? Only if you have a cold.
050717 -- This budget would only work if the project encountered no problems whatsoever. So? - All projects have unexpected problems. Therefore, this budget is almost certainly wrong. - Leaders do not plan for failure. - Do leaders make deceptive
050717 -- forecasts and later act shocked when things don't work out? No. - A leader first makes himself believe the lie, thus turning deception into an inspiring form of optimism. Observe. - GAAA!!! BELIEVE! BELIEVE! - The swelling will go down in a few
050717 -- hours. Then we'll have a perfect budget. - What?
050718 -- Your bid to build our cell phone network is the lowest by far. - But I'd feel more comfortable if it had an illegal component. - Like a bribe? Or helping you build a nuclear weapon? Yes, just something to add flavor.
050719 -- The Elbonians are demanding bribes, or else they won't do business with us. - Hire them as overpaid consultants and don't ask them for anything. That way, it's all legal. - And by legal you mean won't get caught? Po-tay-to, po-tah-to.
050720 -- The Elbonians won't do business with my company unless we bribe them. - Offer to give them plans for building a nuclear weapon. Then give them plans to build microwave ovens instead. - Would that work? Why do you think our garage is full of
050720 -- Persian rugs?
050721 -- We won the Elbonia bid, but I had to promise we'd give them plans to build a nuclear warhead. - Don't worry. I got the plans off the Internet and I modified some things. - Now all we need is some highly enriched bread.
050722 -- The project has a 70% chance of minor success and a 30% chance of corporate ruination. - I like those odds. When can we start? - Start? I wish we had ten more projects like this one.
050723 -- The best way to make this decision is by calculating the expected value of each possible outcome. - You multiply the... Must pretend to be dead. - I sense that we're done here. I hope the dead sometimes cover their ears.
050724 -- I have a great idea. - I was chatting with the director of marketing and we... WHAT?!! - Never discuss ideas with the director of marketing! Never!  ! - You work for me! When you talk to other managers it undercuts my authority! - If I accept
050724 -- ideas from another manager, it's just like he's my boss! - Amazing! Did you know that you behavior is described on page 27 of the "putrid boss" book? It's the chapter on killing initiative and bullying! - That's fascinating. Now let me show you
050725 -- something that isn't in the book. - It looks like someone has been showing initiative. Please shut up.
050725 -- The company requires me to give failing performance reviews to 20% of my staff. - There are four of you, so that works out to...80% of a person. - Wally, your calf muscles and ankles are performing well, but the rest of you is monkey hurlage.
050726 -- Alice, where are the quality estimates that I asked you for an hour ago? - It's between your left arm and your stout torso, about elbow-high. - Stupid elbow.
050727 -- I keep forgetting where I put things. The problem is that you're stupid. - I recommend replacing your brain with a monkey brain. - Will that help? No, I just hate monkeys.
050728 -- I'm referring you to a specialist who can treat your absent-mindedness. - His method is untested, but I think it's worth a chance. - You'll replace my brain with a cauliflower? They're just like brains, but much cheaper.
050729 -- First I'll saw open your head. Then I'll replace your faulty brain with a fresh cauliflower. - How do I know you won't put me to sleep, eat the cauliflower and claim the operation worked? - That reminds me: your insurance doesn't cover
050729 -- anesthesia.
050730 -- How'd your brain transplant work out? Great. Ask me anything. - What roman general was famous for crossing the Rubicon river? Caesar. - Wow. That's right. Phew! I'm glad I didn't go with dijon vinaigrette.
050731 -- RRRING!! Now what? - This is Alice. Hi, it's your boss. - Oh, no. I hear traffic. Where are you? In my car. - Gaaa! It's a car call. He's using me to entertain himself while he's sitting in traffic. How's everything? - I'll lose an hour of my
050731 -- life if I don't get him off the phone. Nice weather today. - Do me a favor and look in your briefcase to see if my latest report is there. Okay. - And turn down your radio so I can hear you...and check your calendar on your PDA. - GAAA!!!
050731 -- CRASH! I'm going to hell.
050801 -- I am Mordac, the Preventer of Information Technology, and I have assigned you a new password. What is it? click click - It's the full text of "The Da Vinci Code," excluding the parts I don't believe. - I'm not touching you. Stupid scenery
050801 -- descriptions.
050802 -- I am Mordac, the Preventer of Information Technology. I have modified your screensaver security to lock up after two seconds of inactivity. - Ha ha! Unless you touch the keyboard every two seconds you will be forced to log-in again! - Dang! Your
050802 -- perpetually moving head-bobbing bird! Gaaa!!!
050803 -- I understand that you have an opening for a negotiator who deals with potential jumpers. - I can't see you because my hat is in the way, but you sound perfect for the job. - Your reverse psychology didn't work. What reverse psychology?
050804 -- Police Negotiator SURRENDER NOW, AND YOU WON'T GET HURT!!! - Here he comes BAM BAM BAM - I'll leave an evaluation form. Please let us know how we're doing! Done deal.
050805 -- My accomplishments this month include complying with our ISO 9000, Sarbanes-Oxley and SEI-5 policies. - And if you make a new policy, I will comply with it so fast it will make your head spin! - It it my imagination or is pretending to work
050805 -- getting easier?
050806 -- Sometimes I feel guilty because my company sells defective products. - I believe in karma. That means I can do bad things to people all day long and I assume they deserve it. - By the way, where are we? I think we wandered into a bad doodle.
050807 -- Please don't discuss your raise with co-workers. Whatever. - Let's see how the losers and morons did. - You only got 6%? I got 8%. - 9%. Why do you ask? - 7.5%. Anything less would be humiliating. - Well, let me see...I think it was... Brace
050807 -- for impact. - 8.5%. GAAA!! - Has she yet learned why it is a bad idea to discuss her raise with co-workers? Sounds like it.
050808 -- I have good news about the promotion you wanted: You didn't get it! - HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY CALL THAT GOOD NEWS? - They don't like positivity.
050809 -- I have some good news and some bad news. - The good news is that the company is going to sponsor a corporate marathon team. - The bad news is that one of you is going to run 26 miles tomorrow.
050810 -- Wally, I want you to represent our company in the corporate marathon. - Um...I can't run 26 miles. - Yes, you can. I've designed a special hat to help you. - What the...?
050811 -- The project post-mortem will only be helpful if each of you is honest about what went wrong. - Your colossal ineptitude as a leader suppressed our natural talents, leaving us listless and unfocused. - And by "honest," I mean blaming people who
050811 -- aren't here. Look! You're doing it again!
050812 -- I have a new hobby. It's called phishing. - I send fake banking E-Mails to gullible executives. Then I find out their financial information and use it to steal the money they don't deserve. - Dear Customer, This is your bank. We forgot your
050812 -- social security number and password. Why don't you send them to us so we can protect your money. Sincerely, I.B. Banker. Looks legit.
050813 -- No one ever wants to take more than half of what's left of the last doughnut. - That's why I call it the Xeno's Doughnut. Hee hee! - I heard some of that. Do you want to switch to hard liquor? Hurry.
050814 -- I fell an evil wind blowing my way. - My soul is filling with darkness...suddenly I am cold. - Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources Hello-o-o, Asok. - Gaaa!!! What are you doing here?!! It's time for the annual employee satisfaction survey.
050814 -- - Perhaps I overreacted. I don't see how this could possibly be bad. - It is evident from these questions that you care about my wellbeing! - I love the part where they think I'm here to help. purr purr - Two Weeks Later They're delighted with
050814 -- their benefits. It looks like we can save some money there.
050815 -- I was the world's fastest worker. - My big mistake was becoming a lawyer. - Flashback Do you think I need an estate plan? Here's your will and here's my bill for 9 cents.
050816 -- Topper Versus the Feature Creep We need to add a keyword search function. That's nothing! - It should also search in different languages including Friulian, Kataang, Horpa and Wagi. - I like your style. That's nothing! I want to marry you in a
050816 -- civil union.
050817 -- Topper Vs. Customer I competed in the Iditarod, and 1,150-mile dogsled race lasting 15 days, over the world's toughest terrain. - That's nothing. I completed the race while pretending to be one of your dogs. - Now I don't want to buy from your
050817 -- company. That's nothing. Now I plan to burn my company to the ground!
050818 -- Topper Vs. Alice I didn't get much sleep last night. That's nothing. - I'm part of a secret government test on sleep deprivation. I haven't slept since February. - I so want to punch you right now. That's nothing. I'll rip off my own head and
050818 -- make me eat it.
050819 -- Topper Vs. The Boos It was the biggest fish ever caught in that lake! That's nothing. - I once caught a dinosaur by using nothing but dental floss and a pull tab from a beer can. - I'd like to see this alleged dinosaur. To late. I also make the
050819 -- world's best barbecue sauce.
050820 -- A prestigious window-facing cubicle has just become available. - It'll be a perfect place to store all the printer paper I bought so I could win a free trip from the paper vendor. - And maybe the sunlight will bleach out the visible wood chips.
050821 -- Good evening. This is the Dogbert Easy News Channel. - We bring you all the news that's easy to gather. - Today's top story is about something that was first reported in a newspaper and later read by me. - People in other countries want to kill
050821 -- us. The rest of the article is mostly names I can't pronounce. - We thought about asking them why they want to kill us, but they don't have phones. - So here's the next best thing: a debate between two middle-aged guys who also don't know why
050821 -- people want to kill us. - They hate us because we are so wonderful. Buy my book or you will all die! - Next on easy news, our panelists will discuss dumb crooks who keep getting stuck in chimneys. Excellent.
050822 -- Aha! Just the person I need. - Meet with the LDC and make sure the MRT gets urped when the RFIT gets nerked to the orcat. - If you have any questions, I don't have time for that sort of thing.
050823 -- I've decided to standardize the department on a new programming language. - With all due respect, that sort of decision should be made by someone who knows his mass from a black hole. - The vendor warned me that you couldn't be objective.
050824 -- How's the coding coming along? No problems, unless... - ...some moron tries to standardize on a new programming methodology in the middle of the project. - What if it's me instead of some moron guy?
050825 -- The project was moving along well until management changed our coding language and methodology. - Now our timeline is represented by this M.C. Escher print of an endless stairway. - This deepsea submarine is looking for our morale. Would this
050825 -- be a bad time to add a few features?
050826 -- Subject: URGENT Dilbert, give me your budget numbers as soon as possible. - Technology is amazing. I type one message and within minutes I'll have my data. - First order of business: delete all spam E-Mail that has a subject of "urgent".
050827 -- Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources I call it a stealth layoff. - We move all of the worthless employees to the same project. When it's done, we tell them that their jobs no longer exist. - I don't like the look of this.
050828 -- My job could not be more meaningless. - I'm looking at my new Director of Post-Decision Support! - After I make a decision, your job is to figure out why it was the right one. - Save those tears of joy for later. We've got work to do! SOB - I
050828 -- decided to outsource our nuclear contracts to North Elbonia. - An in return, they'll give us food, if they ever figure out how to grow any. - I expect some fallout from this decision. Me too. - On the plus side, it won't be long before there's
050828 -- a government reward for killing him.
050829 -- I decided to start a discount religion. - The tithing would only be 5% and I'd let people sin as much as they wanted. - The only problem is that I don't want to spend time with anyone who would join that sort of religion.
050830 -- Per company policy, I got you the last expensive flight available. - Your trip will have 17 connecting flights and you're required to spend at least on night "in an Elbonian prison, dressed as a ballerina." - How much would I have to desecrate
050830 -- a national monument to get one night in jail?
050831 -- are there meals on this flight? Yes, if you're a cannibal. - That is not funny. After this flight, I'm going to complain to your supervisor. - Can you put me next to the plump guy? Sure. He's in B8.
050901 -- Why do I always get the seat next to the cannibal? - These guys are all the same. I know what's going to happen next. - My hairy skull isn't touching you. Right on schedule.
050902 -- I have completed all of my projects and I am ready for a new challenge. - You can help Tina write the department newsletter. - But the newsletter job is only given to the most worthless employee. And her assistant.
050903 -- I'm the editor of the department newsletter. That makes you my cub reporter. - Cub reporter??? I have an engineering degree from the India Institute of Technology - the most challenging university on the planet. - That'll come handy during the
050903 -- copying phase. We get some fierce paper jams.
050904 -- The trouble started when you insisted on giving inspirational names to the conference rooms. - I scheduled a project meeting for the "quality" room and noone knew where to go. - Some people ended up in the "teamwork" room while others went to
050904 -- the "excellence" room. - By the time we sorted it all out, someone else was scheduled to use our conference room. - Then it took three weeks to schedule another meeting when everyone could make it. - But half of the team went to the "action"
050904 -- room and sat there while we waited in the "good planning" room. - - I thought this was the budget meeting.
050905 -- I made a fortune by being an incompetent CEO. Everyone called me crazy when I put my entire personal wealth into pigs and garbage dumps. - You invested all of your money in pigs and dumps? - Invested? Now that would have been a good idea too.
050906 -- I heard that porpoises are smart, so I hired one. - Porpoises have been known to save humans by attacking sharks with their snouts. - He looks like our company lawyer, but more surprised.
050907 -- There's no law that says a porpoise can't kill a company lawyer, but it's still somewhat bad. - Officially, I have to give you a reprimand. - Unofficially, do you like mackerel? squeak!
050908 -- Carol, shred this. - The shredder is right behind you, next to the fax. - What if I do it wrong? Only a complete moron could do this wrong. - Um...I think I might have just faxed our strategy someplace. And that's why you never see a water
050908 -- fountain in a men's restroom.
050909 -- Having two computers is a violation of the company's 5S rules of standardized workspace. - I need two computers to test my software. There's no way to do my job with one. - I have a compromise solution. Put this little red tag on one of them
050909 -- and tell me later if anything bad happens.
050910 -- You will no longer have access to code on any server but your own. - Is it my imagination, or are all of our rules designed for the sole purpose of being huge inconveniences? - And starting today, all passwords must contain letters, numbers,
050910 -- doodles, sign language and squirrel noises.
050911 -- Welcome to Dogbert's Anger Management Seminar. - My goal is to transform you from angry nuts into... - angry nuts who have paid me. - I need a volunteer for our first demonstration. You, come here. - Put your head about here. - Now try to
050911 -- control your anger while I do this... - WHAP WHAP WHAP WHAP WHAP - Maybe you didn't get enough sleep last night.
050912 -- Elbonian hackers are trying to steal our source code. Send our goons to beat them up. - I was thinking more along the lines of improving our data security. Improve it or else I'll have our goons beat you up. - This is surprisingly motivational.
050912 -- Youse call dat a firewall?
050913 -- Do you have the list of invitees for the debriefing meeting? - Here. I like to blame people who won't be in the room. - Bad news for you: you're not on the list.
050914 -- The failure of my project can only be blamed on... beep beep beep - I'll be right there. - That guy.
050915 -- Wally, after I left the meeting yesterday, did you blame me for the failure of the project? - I'm getting a bad vibe from people today. That sort of rumor could stain my reputation and ruin my entire future. - How dare you accuse me... Well,
050915 -- well. Look who's impeding Wally again.
050916 -- I need you to pick up Ted's function. - No problem. I have infinite capacity to do more work as long as you don't mind that my quality reaches zero. - Or are you asking me to do something that's logically impossible? I think I hate you.
050917 -- I didn't think it was possible, but for the past month I've done my own job plus Ted's, and done them well. - I know that you're marveling at my accomplishment and wondering how you can reward me. - Maybe I can fire Carl and make this idiot do
050917 -- his job too. I'll bet we're thinking of the same bonus amount!
050918 -- I want to get a good base tan before I take my vacation. - That'll prevent me from getting a sunburn when I go to the beach. - I think it's a myth that a base tan can protect you from sunburns. - You are so wrong! Let's make a bet. The loser
050918 -- has to jump into that freezing pond. - Fine. I'll do a search on my wireless computer. Here you go: a base tan provides only a negligible SPF 4 protection. - I'm not jumping into that freezing pond. - push - You were already ignorant and
050918 -- contentious. I didn't want you to be a welcher too.
050919 -- We've narrowed our target market to this guy. - He's the only one rich enough and stupid enough to buy our high-end product. - Our diamond-encrusted time machine will take you one hour into the future in only sixty minutes!
050920 -- Question. if our new product takes you sixty minutes into the future in one hour... - Isn't that the same as doing nothing at all? - It also makes you lose weight if you stay in long enough...while not eating.
050921 -- Dogbert Consults Your time machine is a fraud, but noone needs to know. - With a few minor modifications, the user will vanish, and everyone will assume it worked. - This is in case you don't completely vanish.
050922 -- I'm an attorney. If my client is injured by this untested time machine, I will sue! - I think you should consult with your client before being so belligerent. -
050923 -- Wally, I've been watching you for half an hour and you've done no work. - I'm waiting for my program to compile while I design the next module in my head. - Could you grimace so I know you're working? Here you go.
050924 -- What's up with the face? I'm practicing my work grimace. - This face says, "I'm so overworked that I can't possibly do any more." - I'm also getting a message of intestinal discomfort. It's a subplot.
050925 -- HELLO! HELLO! - Let me see that. I'm an engineer. - Hmm...it might be a bad signal or maybe a bad phone. There's only one way to isolate the problem. - Go up on the roof and see if you have reception there. - Dang. Nothing. - Uh-oh. The door is
050925 -- locked. No other way to get down...no one can hear me yell and my phone doesn't work. - My only hope is to jump into that open garbage bin in the alley. - That'll teach him to keep his battery charged.
050926 -- Here's a list of gifts I received on National Boss Day. - Sort them by dollar value and assign annual raises based on who gave the most. - Now i get the Sculpture-o-gum.
050927 -- I've decided to test my market value by doing some interviews. - Would you like some interview tips?. Nah. I'll use my instincts. - You're an hour late! Your men's room is like a palace.
050928 -- Wally Interviews Do you mind if I eat a sandwich while we do this? - Yes, actually I... CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP MMM-MMM MPH-UH - What would you say is your biggest weakness? Cheese.
050929 -- Wally Interviews The job doesn't have a base salary. - You'll pay us $1,000 per month and work from home. If you make any money for us, we'll give you 10%. - You're not allowed to have business cards. And you can't use your name. Can I have a
050929 -- private office in my house?
050930 -- I have a job offer from another company, but I'll give you a chance to buy my loyalty. - Now I just sit back and let the loving begin. - And his opening offer is... That's right: whack him in the parking lot.
051001 -- The employee satisfaction survey says they don't trust management. - Don't worry. I'll find out who feels that way and fire them during the next retrenchment. - Purr? Who said purr?
051002 -- Ted, you've been saying negative things about the company in your personal blog. We have to fire you. - I have freedom of speech. It's my constitutional right to say whatever I want. - If you fire me for my opinions, you'll be spitting on the
051002 -- graves of your founding fathers. - I'll get the best lawyer that money can buy, and fight you all the way to the Supreme Court! - The only way you can legally fire me is if my work isn't good. - Ooh. I probably said too much here. - Your work
051002 -- isn't good. Here's your final paycheck. . Stupid founding fathers.
051003 -- I need five minutes on the pointy-haired boss's calendar. No can do. - If I give you an appointment, I'll just have to cancel it later when something more important comes up. - What's he doing now? Combing his knuckles.
051004 -- Carol, why don't I have any meetings today? - Your meetings create work for me, so I canceled them. - Maybe I could drop in on some people. Harpoon.
051005 -- It's a harpoon. I see a lot of this. - It's caused by a combination of doughnut-eating and agitating a secretary. - Can you remove it? Yes, but it will just come back at annual review time.
051006 -- I hired Mr. Dogbert to write the F.A.Q. for our web site. - The key is to anticipate our customers' most likely questions. - Question 1: Where does your CEO live? I need to know so I can throw your cruddy product through his biggest window.
051007 -- Dogbert Writes A F.A.Q. For The Company Web Site Question 8: Why won't my file open when I'm eating toast? - Answer 8: That is the stupidest question ever! Do not have children! - I sure hope someone asks this question.
051008 -- Hi. I'm calling to check the references of your ex-employee named Ted. - We have a company policy against giving references, but I'd be happy to discuss the weather with you. Okay. - The clouds are moving lazily across the sky, and everyone
051008 -- thinks they're stupid.
051009 -- And these are our company values. Bias for Action Passion for Results - Please don't ask any questions. Question! - Do the results have to be good ones? - Um...yes. - I'm not sure. I think it would say that. - Since action and results are both
051009 -- important, is it okay to have bad results so long as it takes twice as much action? - JUST DO EVERYTHING SOON AN PERFECTLY!!! - Is it my imagination or is hell all over the map on this? IO forget what we were talking about.
051010 -- Tina, I want you to write our annual report. - How should I explain our poor results? Just give it a positive spin. - If you have to ask why our stock keeps plummeting, you can't afford us.
051011 -- Tina Writes The Annual Report All trends are positive. - Foonote 5: unless you consider our crushing debt, moronic management, and aging product line. - What font is this? It's so tiny. Enron Beelzebub.
051012 -- Carol, you're the worst secretary ever. I have to let you go. - You can't fire me until you fill out the involuntary termination form 904-B. - Can you get me one of those? Yeah, I'll get right on that.
051013 -- I took the liberty of calculating how rich you'd have to be... - before I'd be willing to date you. The number is four trillion dollars. - You're happily married. That's all factored in.
051014 -- Our total sales to Elbonia are one package of software. - That can only mean they're engaged in massive software piracy. - When I toss the tiny Frisbee (tm), you leap in the air and catch it in your mouth. You first.
051015 -- I'd like to return this Frisbee(tm). It doesn't fly right. - This is a software CD. Only a total idiot would think it was a Frisbee (tm). - In my defense, the user's manual was poorly written. Plus you're a total idiot.
051016 -- Sale I'll take that chair. Excellent choice. - Now sit there quietly and try not to ask the one question that will kill this sale. - Is the chair in stock? GAAA!!! - The truth is that we don't sell chairs at all. We sell the hope that a chair
051016 -- will someday be made for you. - How long will that take? - If I could answer that question, it would be the same as selling you an actual chair. - How about if I tell you it will ship in two months, and you call and yell at me every three
051016 -- months for eternity? - Did you buy a chair? There's no way to know.
051017 -- Our shareholders are suing us for misleading them about our financial problems. - Since when is it illegal to shaft innocent people for personal gain? - Don't put that in the minutes. I'll see what I can do.
051018 -- Company Lawyer The court ordered us to turn over all of our E-Mail records. - Gosh. I sure hope they don't get deleted during regularly scheduled system maintenance. - Oh no. That would be bad! Wink! Wink! Good grief, man! How can you be
051018 -- flirting at a time like this?
051019 -- I need you to delete all of our incriminating E-Mails before the court sees them. - That plan is no good because I'd be a witness to the crime...unless you had me killed. - Phase two is none of your concern. It has a phase???
051020 -- I'm afraid that my boss will try to kill me because I know about his malfeasance. - I recommend that you ask to meet him alone at an abandoned warehouse. - It was a mistake to name you the beneficiary  on my life insurance policy. Remember to
051020 -- insult his goons.
051021 -- Bob, my boss might be planning to kill me. Would you be my bodyguard? - I can't because I'm all busy eating a carrot stick. - How about after you finish it? You mean nap time? Be serious!
051022 -- The trouble with hiring a hit man is that you have to have him killed to cover your tracks. - Then you need a hit man to hit the guy who killed the hit man. It's an endless cycle! - But ultimately, it's all free, right?
051023 -- Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources I have new guidelines on who can fly on the same plane. - We can't risk losing too many key employees. - The CEO and the president are not allowed to be on the same flight. - Not more than three vice
051023 -- presidents may be on the same flight. - What are the guidelines for interns? - Infinite interns are allowed on the same flight. You are also allowed to run with scissors and put plastic bags over your heads. - - How many interns are allowed per
051023 -- plastic bag?
051024 -- You know what two things are very similar? - Unpaid overtime and death. They both deny me the pleasures of being alive. - How about a good night kiss? Hey, you found a third thing!
051025 -- I am the specter of unpaid overtime. - I will guide you to the shadowy region that is neither life nor death. It is existence without meaning. - Where is this awful place? Right here. And if any sticky notes fall on the floor, I'll rake them
051025 -- up.
051026 -- Someday I hope to get into the grim reaping field. - I don't mind working these unpaid overtime cases, but just once I'd like to see one of you guys die. - Hey, I just realized that my rake is very blunt.
051027 -- Management is pleased to announce that is has a plan to make your pension fund solvent. - In unrelated news, the guidelines for workplace safety have been relaxed. - Our CEO reminds you that smoking is cool.
051028 -- Then I was visited by the specter of unpaid overtime. He hit me with his rake because he's trying to become a grim reaper. hee hee!! - I just realized that I only enjoy your stories when they involve you getting hit by a rake. - That only
051028 -- happened once. I plan to tell the gardener that you insulted his wife.
051029 -- Research has shown that happiness is not related to one's absolute level of wealth. - What matters is one's relative wealth compared to other people. - So, if I do a good job, could you cut this guy's pay?
051030 -- Tex, I'd like you to meet Asok, our intern. - Asok? What kind of name is that? Are you a taxi driver? Um...no. - I've produced bigger things than you by eating fiber! - Do they have schools where you came? - Actually, Asok graduated from the
051030 -- Indian Institute of Technology. So if I were you, I wouldn't make him angry. - Why? What's he gonna do? Gnaw on my ankle? Explode! Explode! - BOOM! - They taught you some good stuff. Nah. You can't even get in unless you can do that.
051031 -- How does my project fit into our company's overall strategy? - Beats me. I didn't even know we had a strategy. - Never ask a question if you don't want to hear the answer. That's why I never say "how are you?"
051101 -- Everyone meet our new team member, Flashy. - GAAA!!! SUDDENLY SO HOT!!! BURNING!!! - Flashy will be in the cubicle by the thermostat. c-c-c-cold!
051102 -- Flashy, do you mind if I turn up the thermostat a few degrees? Yes. It's boiling in here. - Would you mind if we built a device that would redirect the radiant heat from your body? Okay, fine. - I should have asked more questions.
051103 -- I see that you have lots of experience as a boss's pet. - Show me the face you'll use when you bully my staff behind my back. Okay. - grrr... Nice use of forehead wrinkles. You're hired.
051104 -- Don't worry that I might give all of the good projects to my pet employee. - Petricia, I'd like you to evaluate cutting-edge technologies in Hawaii. - Now, who's left to wax my back?
051105 -- For a boss's pet, you're nice. I see no reason to be unkind. - Buwhahaha! We're alone now, nerdling! Do my bidding or I will eat you alive!!! - They always forget to factor in your head size.
051106 -- GAAA!!! I'M CHANGING!!! - Suddenly I see you not as a quirky coworker, but as a colossal waste of resources! - Do you think you matter? No, you do not. *I* matter. - I invented this table! - I'd better call someone. - It's an emergency. Send
051106 -- the executive recruiter. What's your status?!! - Is it leadership or just regular crazy? Too soon to tell. - Hey! Leave my wallet alone! He's one of ours.
051107 -- I opened a dance club that's so exclusive I don't allow anyone in. - I personally screen every potential customer until I find a reason to exclude. - Have your dance moves ever incorporated the air guitar? yes
051108 -- I'd like to hire someone to do all of the unpleasant parts of my job. - That way I'll be free to concentrate on our strategy. Fair enough. - Secondly, I'd like to hire someone to do strategy.
051109 -- I'm working 80 hours per week and you hire someone to do *your* work??? - Leave him alone so he can think about groundbreaking strategies. - Such as? I changed your job title to "my underling's underling."
051110 -- Carol, don't let the underlings of my underling come into my office. - I can't learn anything useful by listening to the little people. - I renew my vow to lure you into a deadly accident!! Whoa! Whoa! Tell it to my underling.
051111 -- I found a way to double my management consulting fees. - I recommend outsourcing your job to India. - I'll double your fee if you never say that again. wag!
051112 -- Board Meeting I recommend outsourcing your CEO's job and saving the company $26 million per year. - For $4 per year you can hire an Elbonian CEO who is just as good as this guy. - Now do you understand why you should have renewed my consulting
051112 -- contract?
051113 -- Remember to include my name on the patent application. - Why? You didn't help. - That's ridiculous! I've been helping you design that thing for months! - I save all three of your E-Mails. Allow me to read them. - "Dude, is something wrong with
051113 -- your brain?" - Later: "Hey, Dilweed, maybe you should replace the backplane with a gizmo." - Then my personal favorite: "Dilbag, I'm glad you took my advice to leave the backplane alone." - That's my way of helping. It's great. You should
051113 -- patent it.
051114 -- Alice, this week you did the work of four people and made over $10 million for the company. - But according to our web monitoring software, you used company resources to look at a weather web site. - Thief.
051115 -- What fresh hell is this? I'm letting my eyebrows grow out. - If I comp them over my eyes, no one can tell that I'm asleep. - You're quiet today.
051116 -- We need three more programmers. Use agile programming methods. - Agile programming doesn't just mean doing more work with fewer people. - Find me some words that *do* mean that and ask again.
051117 -- My new magazine is called "Gullible World." - This month's cover story is "shed pounds by yelling at your children." - Next month will be "eat your way to being a better parent."
051118 -- Would you like to buy advertizing in my new magazine called "Gullible World"? - We have between one and two billion readers! Wow! - I figured out how to make three readers sound like a lot.
051119 -- May I take your picture for a feature story in "Gullible World" magazine? - It's about how engineering makes you sexier. Gosh, okay. - Perfect. Now all I need is someone to pose for the "after" picture.
051120 -- I'd like to return this scarf. - What's wrong with it? - It isn't um...scarfy enough. - I'll just run your card through the computer and... - Uh-oh...you're on our bad customer list. You've returned over a thousand items to this store. - In
051120 -- fact, you've purchased and returned this same scarf seventeen times. - Company policy says that I have to harvest your organs and sell them on Ebay. - It was good while it lasted.
051121 -- I hired an abusive, lying, back-stabbing, control freak. - But don't worry, because I'm sending you to a class on how to deal with difficult coworkers. - Wouldn't it have been better to... I've heard bad things about that guy.
051122 -- Welcome to my seminar on dealing with difficult coworkers. - Difficult coworkers generally fall into one of these groups. lazy mean smart crazy - The only way to deal with them is to quit your job and become a syndicated cartoonist. Thanks for
051122 -- coming.
051123 -- I'll be right back. I'm going to grab a Ted Sandwich before the meeting. A what? - The food people always leave one sandwich in the brake room fridge labeled Ted. It tastes like ham. - You're looking good, Ted. Have you lost weight?
051124 -- Why did you leave your last job? - They accused me of stealing four computers. - Did they make you confess? I took the fifth.
051125 -- Good morning, Alice! Uh-oh, a cubicle cockroach. - Are you working hard or hardly working? Ha ha! I must find a way to kill it. - Do you have a flame thrower? I can't complain; no one would listen!
051126 -- Ha ha! I'm the cubicle cockroach that cannot be destroyed. - Once hired, nothing can remove me from my cubicle. I am eternal! Ha ha! - I'm moving you to a special project. erk!!!
051127 -- Our new business strategy is... Hold on. - I made a list of all of our strategies for the past five years. - There have been seventeen of them. - What does that tell us? - That I'm not afraid of change. - And that I've been working hard and I
051127 -- deserve a huge bonus. - And that I'm kind and generous and good looking. - You have to give him credit. The man knows how to answer a rhetorical question.
051128 -- Why is it unethical for humans to clone themselves? - Morality is based on accepted norms. And accepted norms are based on morality. - It's self-causing? Ironically, yes.
051129 -- After the merger, we'll have two CEOs sharing the top job. - A spokesperson explained "if our stockholders don't mind paying one CEO 450 times the average employee's salary... - ...they shouldn't mind doing it twice."
051130 -- After the merger, we'll be sharing the job of CEO. - We get along great, just like an old married couple. Ha ha ha! - He's the wife.
051201 -- So, what's it like to be in a bad mood all of the time? - - Something tells me that showing interest isn't working.
051202 -- Great. The only seat is next to Hammerhead Bob. - I'm learning ESP so I can start butting into people's private thoughts. - I sense annoyance, yet there seems to be no cause.
051203 -- Hammerhead Bob Hey, what are you talking about? I'm an expert on many topics. - Try to get this through your thick head: you are not welcome in our conversation. - Irritable, eh? Try Cramp Bark and Dandelion Root.
051204 -- Your resume says you're a career criminal. Yup. - Um...why are you applying for a job here? - I'm getting tendonitis in my pistol-whipping arm. - I thought I'd try the slower paced life of white collar crime. - security. How much can I expect to
051204 -- embezzle in my first year? - Earl? Lefty! - Forget this job. Security is where the big money is. Can you get me in? - I should start locking my desk.
051205 -- Um...why are you here? - Originally I was seduced by the smell of your freshly brewed coffee and tempting pastries. - But now I'm all about cross-charging my time to your project.
051206 -- Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources Ed, you seem disgruntled. - You need 30 minutes in the employee rationalizer. - I...I...don't mind bad management because---the commute is easy. Better.
051207 -- Meet our new sourpuss - I heard that every office has one. And we didn't, so I went out and got one. - Does anything ever sound like a bad idea to you? Leadership is 90% optimism.
051208 -- Does anyone have an issue with the plan as I've outlined it? - KAH! KAH! KAH! - I'm with sourpuss.
051209 -- Sourpuss When life gives you lemons... - Choke on 'em and die. - You stupid lemon eater.
051210 -- Sourpuss Whatever you're doing there looks like a complete waste of time. - If you beat your head against the wall, that doesn't make it a drum. - People say the glass is half full. But they don't say of what.
051211 -- I told our CEO that the design could be done in a month. He's ecstatic! - That would be good except that I told you it won't be done for six months. Ooh. - So, I guess you'll have to tell him. It's too late. - He already issued a press release.
051211 -- You'll have to finish the design in a month. - The only way to do it in a month is to accept massive design flaws that will destroy a billion dollar line of business. - That's okay. My stock options are so underwater that it won't make any
051211 -- difference. - I'll just blame all of the problems on the Chinese company that manufactures our products. - Ultimately, it's the CEO's fault for failing to give me proper incentives.
051212 -- Topper I ran six miles even though I was sore. That's nothing. - I broke my leg and hopped all the way to work this morning. - You hopped 40 miles on your one good leg? On the broken one.
051213 -- I'm starting Dogbert's Selfish Cell Phone Company. - It has no phone number. You can call people and bother them when they're busy, but they can't do the same to you. - Hi, Mom. Oh, nothing. I'm just walking someplace. STOP BOTHERING ME!
051214 -- V.P. of Engineering Then I had the idea of saving money by combining our four databases. - Excuse me. That was Alice's idea. You said it was impossible, so she did it on her own time. - Carry on. I'll jump in if I notice any more errors.
051215 -- I'm Vitay, the world's most desperate venture capitalist. - The VC business is more competitive than ever. I'm going to stalk you until you come up with an idea worth funding. - No pressure, but all of my kids have crooked teeth.
051216 -- Vitay, the World's Most Desperate Venture Capitalist Does anyone need a napkin to write on? - What are you thinking right now? Could it be a business plan? - TAKE MY MONEY!!! TAKE IT!!! He's nice.
051217 -- Vitay, the World's Most Desperate Venture Capitalist You two have good math grades. - If you grow up and produce a little engineer baby, I want to invest in its first idea. - Please don't be too late! Dude, we're already looking for mezzanine
051217 -- funding.
051218 -- I'd like to buy some insurance, but I don't know much about it. - You need my special indemnity casualty whole life umbrella rider binder. - What does it cover? - I can't answer that directly. - Just read that list of exclusions. Anything not
051218 -- there is covered. - Does it cover acts of God? Yes, unless you pray to the wrong one. - How do I know if it's the wrong god? - If you buy this insurance, and lightning doesn't strike me, try another god.
051219 -- Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources The downsizing will be handled in the most humane way I could think of. - I hired a giant dung beetle to roll the poor performers into a ball and out the door. - I can't get the marketing ones to stick.
051219 -- They keep sliding off.
051220 -- Your resume says you're some kind of intermediate species. That's right. - I'm halfway between hominid and oyster. Someday I hope my light-sensitive blob will become an eye! - I don't think we can use you. Oh, man, you're giving me a serious
051220 -- pearl.
051221 -- Wally, you've been charging your time to several projects, but no one has ever seen you work. - You can't see the wind either, but surely you don't doubt that it exists. - I've also gotten complaints about the existence of your wind. I rest my
051221 -- case.
051222 -- Our new product is a cable that doesn't attach to anything. - We hope to create demand via a series of commercials showing young people dancing. - And then we'll all go straight to hell. He didn't take the last round of budget cuts well.
051223 -- This Powerpoint slide could change our entire company strategy. - The rest of the industry would have to copy us, and that could change the entire world! - Someone has been having delusions of effectiveness.
051224 -- I am entering the Powerpoint zone. - If no longer feel the need to change the real world as long as I can change these bullet points. - How much imaginary productivity did you have today? Eight slides!
051225 -- Can you come to a meeting at three? Why? - I want to tell everyone that project Acorn is canceled. - You just told me, so I don't need to go, right? - You might have questions. But I don't. - Maybe someone at the meeting will ask a question
051225 -- that you didn't think of. - Should I attend every meeting in the world just in case someone asks a good question? - - Save that one for the meeting.
051226 -- I need to use up my budget before the end of the year of else I'll get less next year. - So I'll be flexible about approving expenses for a few days. Wink, wink. - Nice coffee-holding Panda. You should see the one that isn't pregnant.
051227 -- Dogbert's Tech Support Try rebooting yourself. - Clone yourself, put the clone up for adoption, and hope intelligence can be influenced by the environment. - Evidently your parents slapped together version 1.0 of you and hoped no one would
051227 -- notice the bugs.
051228 -- Alice, can you show the new guy how to do a project status report? - He doesn't read them, so we all use a random phrase generator. I'll E-mail it to you. - You said that in front of him. He only listens when he's talking.
051229 -- The employee of the month is Tina, for all the um...various work that she does. - You have stripped this award of its meaning by showing that you don't even know what my job is. - It's as if you've never listened to anything I've ever said.
051229 -- You're welcome!
051230 -- Is that your resume? It's Ted's. - When the pointy-haired boss walks toward the shared printer, I print ten copies. - It turns out that I'm not a people pleaser. - Disloyal #!@*@!
051231 -- We should join the industry consortium that's promoting web service standards. - Run that past the consortium approval review board and get a sign-off from the executive board of review board reviewers. Do those exist? In a perfect world, yes.
060101 -- We're going to have an employee appreciation day on the 8th! - That's a Sunday. - That's the best day for a potluck lunch. You'll have all day Saturday to make a dish to share! - I'll need a volunteer to organize everything. Let's see...which
060101 -- one of you is the woman? - Bring jackets. It's supposed to be about 45 degrees in the park that day. - I won't be able to attend because I do personal stuff on weekends. - Take pictures! - I hope noone else brought a pine cone appetizer.
060102 -- Note from the Author Approximately one gazillion people have suggested I draw a comic based on the following idea. - As you will see, this idea is not funny. But I give it to you anyway because I can't resist peer pressure. - Unfunny comic If
060102 -- you can't connect to the network, send a trouble report by E-Mail Happy?
060103 -- Uh-oh. Why am I still here? What's happening to me? - I violated the third wall and now I can't get out! - Dogbert? Is that really you??? No, I'm Tot. We must follow this yellow sticky-note road.
060104 -- Will the yellow sticky-note road lead me home? Not directly. - We're off to see the wonderful wizard of landfill. He'll know how to get you home. - Holy #!%$, I hope this isn't him. coffee...cup...need...caffeine...
060105 -- Here's your coffee. Maybe the wizard can give you some ambition. aaah... - Aren't you afraid that the wicked witch will send her winged cat after us? Say what? - I need headcount for my project. Bring them to me!
060106 -- We're off to see the wizard of landfill. He'll give you some ambition and he'll show me how to get home. - Can we go too? I need experience...and he needs a brain, heart, soul, and a strategic vision. - No, I don't. You're fired! And a job...I
060106 -- need a job.
060107 -- Oh great wizard of landfill, can you show me how to go home? ...also, my pals need experience and ambition. - You're here because you ran out of good ideas...here are a few gems about the idiots who manage my company. - There's no place like my
060107 -- home office...there's no place like my home office... He was creepy.
060108 -- My allergies are kicking up again. GAAA!!!  Good Gravy, man! Do you have any idea what you've just done?!! - Since you brought up the topic of health... - When I was having my bones set, the doctor noticed that I have a detached colon. - My
060108 -- small intestines will eventually burrow up past my spleen and and try to leave my body. - GAAA!!! HERE IT COMES!!! - GURGLE - And don't get me started about my bunions.
060109 -- Your resume looks great. I see no reason why you wouldn't be an excellent phone center employee. - Mwab blah glob wobmah tob muh wah wah. - This job got a lot less stressful once I realized I hate our customers.
060110 -- Welcome to Dogbert's Retirement Planning Seminar. - Don't tell anyone that you retired. Just keep coming to work and collecting money for the weekly lottery pool. Then spend it on food. - I want my dollar back.
060111 -- Dogbert's Retirement Planning Seminar I'll show you how to spend your golden years on the golf course. - Get a job caddying for people who have better jobs than you. - Never pay rent again, thanks to the patented Dogbert Breathing Tube for sand
060111 -- traps!
060112 -- The new guy used to be a free-ranger. Let's go watch him get broken. I'm there. - They say he was a photographer. Never been cubicled. He'll be tough. - I'll lasso him with the necktie and you put the employee manual on his back.
060113 -- I used to be a photographer, wild and unsupervised. I tasted the sweet nectar of freedom. - Fill out your time report in 15-minute increments so we always know what you're doing. - Attempted self-strangulation is code 39. If you succeed, it's
060113 -- 40. rrrrr!!!
060114 -- The ex-photographer I hired isn't doing well in captivity. Is he dying? - Not yet. It's more of a panda situation. - Would you like to mate? I couldn't be less interested.
060115 -- I gave Tom his two-weeks' notice. You'll have to do his job until I replace him. - He's a bit disgruntled, but I'm sure he'll be a professional and train you before he leaves. - I was shocked and appalled to hear that you get fired. grrr grrr -
060115 -- He isn't buying my fake sympathy grrr grrr - Sooo...how about a little training? - Everything you need is in this irreplaceable binder. - CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP - I probably won't get you a card.
060116 -- I bought you a bumper sticker that says you give money to police charities. - Now you can ignore traffic laws with total impunity. - This is the greatest bumper sticker ever.
060117 -- CEO Visits We bought our competitor and we plan to integrate their product line into ours. - Did anyone tell you that their products are worthless pieces of garbage? Maybe that's why they sold the company. - I mean congratulations.
060118 -- Dilbert, come up with a plan to integrate our product with the one we acquired through the merger. - Okay, my plan is to throw away the competitor's product because it's just a cheap knock-off of our product. - How about a plan that doesn't
060118 -- make our CEO look like a moron? We could stop wearing sleeveless sweaters.
060119 -- My boss wants me to integrate a great product with a terrible one just to validate our merger. - Is it ethical for me to stall for a month until he forgets what he asked for? - Sure. You can even hit him with a rock to speed up the forgetting.
060119 -- Maybe I'm asking the wrong ethicist.
060120 -- Dogbert's Tech Support Before I can help you, I need your tech support product identification code. - You can find it by going to your local landfill and digging until you see your product's original packaging. - But don't disturb the seagulls
060120 -- or they'll peck off your face.
060121 -- Phew! That was a nice four-mile walk. Refreshing! - Want to watch some TV? After I finish this call. - Dogbert's Tech Support Thanks for holding. There's nothing in the database about your kind of problem. #@!%*
060122 -- We can't start designing the product until someone tells us what features it should have. - That's like saying you can't play on the beach unless you know how many grains of sand there are. - Um...I don't think it's very much like that. -
060122 -- Analogy Police. Come with me. - Are you taking me to jail for a bad analogy? - The analogy police don't use a real jail. We use something similar. - You'll be here with this beautiful woman. Really? That's not so bad. - She's the one being
060122 -- punished. Your necktie is like Hitler at an ice rink.
060123 -- Did you ever come to work on Monday and realize that you forgot how to do your job? - Only a total moron would forget over the weekend how to do this job. - O-o-okay. I'm starting to remember who you two are.
060124 -- Wally, what's the status of the RDP project? Am I working on that one? - You've been in charge of it for a year. OH. In that case, it's almost done. - Half of being a manager is living with a vague feeling of uneasiness.
060125 -- Hi everyone. Sorry I'm late. - I have the worst case of jet lag ever. I'm still a baby in this time zone. - I don't think it works that way. Hey, I just got a crazy idea.
060126 -- He wasn't wearing an I.D: badge. We think he's some sort of spy. - Don't look directly at him. His power of cuteness is too strong. - Aw, geez. I say *don't* look and you look right at it. Must serve baby.
060127 -- Your powers of cuteness are formidable indeed, but can you do... - THIS? - Oh crud. You win. Why do I even try?
060128 -- You're too cute to work in engineering. I'm transferring you to sales. - No one wants to hurt a baby. Use that to your advantage. - And if you buy the deluxe package I won't be emotionally scarred for life.
060129 -- I'll need to know your requirements before I start to design the software. - First of all, what are you trying to accomplish? - I'm trying to make you design my software. - I mean what are you trying to accomplish with the software? - I won't
060129 -- know what I can accomplish until you tell me what the software can do. - Try to get this concept through your thick skull: the software can do whatever I design it to do! - - Can you design it to tell you my requirements?
060130 -- What does MFU2 mean on your timeline? - That's Management Foul-Up Number Two. It usually happens around the third week. - We don't anticipate any management mistakes. That's MFU1.
060131 -- Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources Alice, you've been accused of making dismissive facial expressions. - You have also muttered the following sounds during meetings: piff, bah, ffff, and ssstop. - Did anyone complain about *this*
060131 -- expression? I like to use it in these situations. - No, that's still good.
060201 -- Hey, Dilbert, would you mind stopping by my house after work and seeing if you can fix my computer? - Sure. And while I do that you can be at my house cleaning the grout in my shower. - That's crazy talk. Hey, I'm not the one who majored in
060201 -- comparative literature.
060202 -- I was wondering if you could stop by this weekend and show me how to install my wireless network. - Under what theory are the competent obliged to help the incompetent? - Wow. This is awkward. Watch what happens when I just stare at you.
060203 -- Dilbert, I'd like you to accompany Alan on a sales call. - You'll explain how our product works with their current system. Alan will crack jokes and collect a huge commission. - It might sound unfair, but these are good jokes. Like "What can I
060203 -- do you for?"
060204 -- The Sales Call I brought my egghead to talk to your egghead while you and I make out. - mmm mmm mmm Our web services employ XML, SOAP and WSDL to achieve interoperable HTTP modules. - Do you ever think we might be in the wrong jobs? I'm not
060204 -- going to kiss you.
060205 -- Hi, handsome, are you free for lunch? - Are you selling something, or do you have a horrible defect that isn't apparent? - Is it so hard to believe that a hot, intelligent, sane woman would be attracted to a man like you? - Ga!!! It's worse than
060205 -- I thought! - Maybe we could just drink coffee and talk about the last episode of Battlestar Galactica. GAAA!!! - GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU PERFECT MONSTER! - There must be a guy in the engineering department who will date me. - Hi. What's wrong
060205 -- with you?
060206 -- Heh Heh! I'll turn my monitor so no passersby can see what I'm doing. - Is he working? Dang! I can't tell. zzzzz - I'm starting to think I can't read people. Dude, I wasn't kidding. Come back later!
060207 -- Asok, you're my fire warden for the floor. - If there's a fire, your job is to roll around on it until it's out. - What if the whole floor is on fire? No one will be timing you.
060208 -- I'm too busy to learn anything about the projects I'm managing. - I barely have enough time to make critical decisions about them. - Maybe you're lazy and stupid. Let's go down to the pond and throw rocks at the ducks.
060209 -- Welcome to Dogbert's School for Zombies and/or Certified Project Managers. - The training is the same for either profession. The main difference is that zombies get more sun. - Repeat after me: I want to calendar an on-site post cutover support
060209 -- review meeting.
060210 -- Certified Project Management Zombie Let's review our assumptions, risks, and constraints. - Your project management style is putting my joie de vivre at risk. - It's funny because I don't have any.
060211 -- I heard that you're a certified project management zombie. Is that true? - I'm an assertive, innovative professional, experienced in project and operations management methodology and process development. - He didn't seem dangerous. I just sat
060211 -- through a three-hour project review meeting.
060212 -- Our CEO appreciates pushback. - The last thing he wants is a bunch of yes men. - Don't be afraid to stand out your ground. He respects that. - My plan is to form business units around each product line. plan - Excuse me. We tried that once and
060212 -- it didn't work. - You're fired. Leave now. - - Cruelty or convenience? I needed a cubicle to store my extra binders.
060213 -- There's no good way to assign a bad project. - FWAP! DO IT! - That was a liberating thought.
060214 -- I'd better put some lipstick on this pig. - Behold the most exciting technical challenge since the dawn of the microprocessor! - I must rub my body before I assign it to you...oooh oooh! I'll need tongs.
060215 -- I can do this feasibility analysis in two minutes. - It's the worst idea in the world. Numbers don't lie. - Our CEO loves the idea. Luckily assumptions *do* lie.
060216 -- I need help making unrealistic assumptions to support a business case for a bad idea. Easy. - There's a hole in the back of our wardrobe closet that leads to a magical world of preposterous business assumptions. - We don't have a wardrobe
060216 -- closet. Assume we do.
060217 -- The Land Of Unrealistic Business Assumptions Suddenly I feel as if anything is possible. - Hello! We're customers who have extraordinarily bad judgment! - I need more than three of you. The hole's a thousand miles deep. The others thought it
060217 -- would be a good idea to come early. ow ow
060218 -- The Land Of Unrealistic Business Assumptions We need to find some assumptions about future sales. this way - Dang! There's only one way across and it's blocked by an inebriated hillbilly. huge sales - In the land of unrealistic assumptions,
060218 -- this is your only competitor. bzzt
060219 -- I'm thinking about buying a more fuel efficient car. Why? - It's my patriotic duty to reduce this country's dependence on foreign sources of oil. Why? - Because then the countries that hate us will have less money to fund terrorists. -
060219 -- Actually, developing countries would buy the oil you saved, thus adequately funding those same terrorists. - At least I wouldn't be funding them myself. - Oil is a fungible commodity. The capitalist system virtually guarantees that you'll end
060219 -- up buying the lowest cost oil from sources unknown to you. - Well, maybe, but I want my car to make a statement. - And the statement would be, "hey, everyone, I don't understand what fungible means!"
060220 -- This week I said I was telecommuting but I really just stayed home and watched TV in my pajamas. - I'll never know how the TV got into my pajamas. Ha ha! - Well, you had to be there.
060221 -- I got a stomach-ache during my vacation so I'm changing it to a sick day. - Apparently there's a biological limit on how many potato chips I can eat in a 24-hour period. - And I'm taking tomorrow as a sick day too. I still have eight bags left.
060222 -- Wally, why isn't my E-Mail working today? - The Internet is full. Great! Now what do I do? - I wonder if I'm supposed to see anything when it's draining.
060223 -- You know what's funny? I never studies engineering and I'm your boss. - In fact, I majored in...um...gosh, I don't remember. - You forgot your major? I don't bother remembering things I can write down.
060224 -- Welcome to Dogbert's Seminar on Work-Life Balance. - First, review this list of your priorities Family Job Exercise Vacation Must-Dos Medical Eating Hygiene Sleep Romance Holidays - You have time for three things. Work and holidays are two. You
060224 -- get to pick the third.
060225 -- Dogbert's Seminar on Work-Life Balance. This is Allen. He didn't balance his work and personal lives. - Allen did nothing but work, work, work. And now look at him. - I'm the one who tried to balance everything. That's Allen. He's a %$**! CEO
060225 -- now!
060226 -- Why is your project four months behind? - I still don't have the user's requirements because she's a complete nut job. - It's your job to manage that process! - I complained to her boss, who promptly misinterpreted the problem and ordered her
060226 -- to work on the wrong stuff. - Then every member of her family got a serious illness. Then she got called to jury duty. - She promised to give me the requirements this afternoon. - It was too hard to come up with my own requirements, so I just
060226 -- copied the requirements from another product. - Is the other product similar to what you want? Where are you going with this?
060227 -- My fake arm is here! - Attach the fake arm to the real shoulder... - Ill come back when he's off the conference call. zzzz
060228 -- I enrolled in a distance learning class to get my master's degree. Uh-oh. - GAAA! GAAA! GAAA! - Is the online degree hard? Not so much. I'm taking my midterm exam as we speak.
060301 -- What?! You only got a "B" taking the online ethics course for me? - No one will believe you're me unless you get all perfect scores. - I...was..tired. Why? You only did 300 push-ups for my online gym class!!!
060302 -- I've been asked to design and build our center of excellence. - Which, as I understand it, is like a presidential library honoring my life's work. - In time, people learn to stop asking me questions.
060303 -- Bob will be leaving us after 17 years as vice president of marketing. - Bob's accomplishments include lowering both our margins and our sales while overseeing a series of confusing marketing campaigns. - I hope you'll all join me in wishing for
060303 -- a piano to fall on his head.
060304 -- We could do the project right for $100,000 or do it wrong for $25,000. - I believe that the wise king salmon would say to split the difference and do it for $50,000. - Fish are stupid.
060305 -- Alice, my laptop is slowing down. Can you take a look at it? - Here's the problem. There's too much smut on your hard drive. - I recommend deleting the film clips that have poor lighting. - And here's a whole category you haven't looked at in
060305 -- weeks. - I'll move those to an external drive in case you need 'em later. - Wall has all of this stuff on the server. You don't need it on your laptop. - What the...? You pinhead! You disabled your firewall! - If you work here long enough, your
060305 -- outrage ends up in all of the wrong places. WHO MOVED MY STAPLER?!!
060306 -- The legal department says your plan is illegal. Ask them again. - Maybe they'll change their minds. - I'll get on that as soon as I'm done  planning for gold in the water fountain. That's the spirit!
060307 -- There's no purpose for this meeting other than my boss told me to have it. - So, let's just sit here silently until our time is up. - Unless you have something better to do. Not really.
060308 -- And than we'll build a second prototype and... - IT'S NOT IN THE BUDGET - Oh, suddenly it's *my* fault for caring about the budget.
060309 -- We're supposed to have our budget approved by Tuesday but that's not written in stone. - Yes it is. I have it right here. - It was kind of lucky because this is the only one I brought to the meeting.
060310 -- My relatives want me to have an arranged marriage. - If they find someone who's totally hot and has low standards, ask if she has a sister. - What about love? How can you not love *that*?
060311 -- Yesterday I had a great meeting about project Wombat. What?! - I've been managing that project for six months! How can you have a meeting without inviting me?!! - Have you noticed that meetings go smoother without any knowledge or expertise?
060311 -- kinda.
060312 -- Welcome to Dogbert's Catch-And-Release CEO Seminar. - Catch-And-Release is more than a way to hurt fish for entertainment. - It's a philosophy that will inform your entire life. - For example, when you acquire a new company, wait a few years
060312 -- and then spin it off. - When you catch a new spouse, wait a few years and then set it free. - When you golf, hit that ball into a hole and then take it out. - Your ultimate goal is to look decisive without making any real decisions. - Good
060312 -- seminar. It makes fishing more fun when you know it hurts them!
060313 -- Erk! That look says you want to kill me for expressing my opinion! No, no. - Women have a thousand expressions that say they want you to die. That one says she wants you to die of natural causes, preferably soon. - budda budda budda She calls
060313 -- this one "the wood chipper."
060314 -- I invented an external anti-depressant. - When I'm in a bad mood I just apply it to other people. It used to be called pepper spray. GAAA!
060315 -- We cancelled our plant maintenance contract to save money. - Each employee will adopt a nearby plant and water it. - The Unluckiest Plant I The Whole World Now when I pour my coffee dregs on you, it will look like work! must...run...
060316 -- Wally, what are you feeding the plant outside your cubicle? - It's a mulch of coffee dregs and my shredded status reports. - You might want to switch to decaf.
060317 -- Would you like to be seated in the loud guy section or no loud guy? - They both sound good. We'll try the loud guy section. - I hope he has good stories. AND THEN
060318 -- Wally, do you ever wonder about your purpose in life? - My purpose is to transport huge quantities of coffee from the coffee maker to a urinal. - Suddenly I am filled with despair. Hey, while you're up...
060319 -- It's almost time for our 360 degree reviews. - That means your compensation is partly dependent on the input of your peers. - I'd hate to see something bad happen to you, like, I don't know...maybe a negative review. - I've taken the liberty of
060319 -- calculating the value of a good peer review in terms of your next raise. - Pay me half of that amount, and I'll guarantee a positive outcome. - How would I know you gave me a good one? Peer reviews are anonymous. - - What is it about me that
060319 -- makes people so distrusting?
060320 -- Hello, I need some tech support. What's your tech support password? - I don't have one. Well, then I can't help you. - Since when do you require a password? Usually right before lunch.
060321 -- Asok, I want you to attend the technology steering committee for me. - But they are all tall members of senior management. They won't even acknowledge my existence. Phfft. - Hey, Andy, this seat is free. I'll just move my coffee.
060322 -- Carol, I need some three-ring binders and a reservation for the conference room on Thursday. - I don't like the way you asked, so I'm going to make a phone call until you give up and leave. - Yeah, the big jerk is still standing there.
060323 -- Famous Artis Dogberto will tell us his plans for our lobby. - I plan to buy a drop cloth at home depot and drape it over the security desk. - Won't that be hard on the guard? Not until I douse it with gas and light it.
060324 -- My idea is to drape a huge tarp over the hideous sculpture in the courtyard. - My message will be that art is as much about the negative space as the positive. - Plus it's not really art unless someone is winning.
060325 -- My Elbonian factory can manufacture your product for pennies. - Is there any downside? Minor translation issues. - They either said "plastic or "the spleen of a pig-footed bandicoot." We don't have any plastic.
060326 -- What's that doing here? - This is my daughter, Traylor. - I brought her to the office so she can learn about working in a corporate environment. - Okay. Whatever. I have a new project for you. - Some idiot cut his finger. Now we have to do a
060326 -- safety awareness campaign. - Put on this dog costume. You're the mascot for our "spot" the safety hazard campaign. - Whenever anyone walks by, you say, "woof, woof, don't use scissors." - Can I get a tattoo? Sure.
060327 -- Here's our prototype from the Elbonian factory. - Well, I'm no expert, but this is obviously a good one of these. - It's an MP3 player. We used to call them Plumber's Helpers!
060328 -- After seeing the Elbonian MP3 player prototype I scheduled a conference call. - Because of the time difference, the call was at 3AM. I was groggy and they barely speak any English, but I think we got everything worked out. - He was right. It
060328 -- does look better with the speakers.
060329 -- We ship our new MP3 player in two days. How's the Elbonian factory coming along? - The prototype is the size of a small tractor and it will only play Elbonian polkas. - I'll budget a little extra for marketing. It's made of asbestos.
060330 -- We need to hire the best marketing expert we can find. - Your resume says you've won the Nobel prize in marketing, and five Olympic gold medals in the marketing biathlon. - What's a marketing biathlon? You ski up to people who won't buy your
060330 -- crap and you shoot them.
060331 -- The Marketing Guru Consumers will buy our tractor-sized MP3 players if we offer something free with each one. - So we'll offer a free iPod with each sale, and free towing to the landfill for our MP3 player. - The rest is just pricing.
060401 -- The Marketing Guru Your MP3 player is large and scary, but I can fix that. - All it needs is a set of Angelina Jolie lips and everyone will love it. - Six Months Later We must never speak of this.
060402 -- Interview this candidate and make sure he isn't too old. - It's illegal to ask his age. - Just stall until you see the telltale signs of E.E.H.G. - E.E.H.G.? Explosive Ear Hair Growth. - Hm. No wrinkles, but maybe he uses moisturizers and stays
060402 -- out the sun. - Wait...wait... Can't...hold out any...longer. - GAAA!!! LOOK AWAY! LOOK AWAY! sproing! sproing! HA! - Then I waited and waited...what?
060403 -- Company policy says that space heaters are not allowed in cubicles. - My heater doesn't heat space. It heats the air in my cubicle. That's okay, right? - Why would anyone heat "space"? It keeps Uranus warm.
060404 -- Ted, I'm sending you on a team-building exercise. - A security guard will drive you to the middle of the desert and leave you there! - And then the team will rescue me? Sure.
060405 -- I listened to your concerns about Ted's work, so I tricked him to being left in the middle of the desert. - He thinks it's a team-building exercise. Hee hee! We wanted you to transfer him, not kill him. - Really? This is awkward. And this is
060405 -- Ted. Where's Asok?
060406 -- I must use the survival methods I learned at the Indian Institute of Technology. - Step one: pretend to be a wounded rodent. - Now look for the highway and tickle the hawk with its own feather.
060407 -- You said it was a team-building exercise and you left me in the middle of the desert to die! - Shake it off. - You wouldn't think that would work, but it does!
060408 -- I'm back from my three-week vacation. I didn't know you were gone. - um...I meant I'm leaving tomorrow for my three-week vacation. - How was your vacation? Twice as good as I expected!
060409 -- I need you to accompany me on an important sales call. Me? - You're my secret weapon! Well, okay. - What's your name? I'm Ed, from sales. - Only two companies make this product. the prices are identical. - The difference is that our engineering
060409 -- staff brings genius and innovation to everything it touches. - Whereas my competitor employs this loser. - Really? I wondered why you didn't look familiar. Sold! - You helped make a sale? Why does everyone act all surprised?
060410 -- Alice, I need you to be less productive. - I'll get an automatic promotion if I can justify hiring one more direct report. - If I'm going to work like an idiot, I might as well look like one.
060411 -- I need to have one more direct report and it will trigger an automatic promotion for me. - Your job is to be that employee. - How's it feel to be part of the team? Not as special as I'd hoped.
060412 -- Dilmom Your security software is out of date... Uh-oh. - Would you like to spend the rest of your natural life trying to figure out how to upgrade it? ERK! - Or would you prefer to let hackers steal your identity, drain your bank accounts and
060412 -- destroy your hard drive? I NEED MORE CHOICES!
060413 -- I'll bring you on as a contract employee. - Then I'll keep you motivated by dangling the carrot of becoming a regular employee. - Your first mistake was assuming that he understands metaphors.
060414 -- The Contractor No pressure, but do you have any idea how easy it would be to get rid of you? - There isn't even any paperwork. I just point my finger and you're history. - Here comes the firing finger. Oooh...watch out!
060415 -- The Contractor My dream is to one day become a regular employee. - My dream is to eat candy and poop emeralds. - The difference is that I'm halfway successful.
060416 -- My chair is broken. May i use your extra one? - I don't have an extra chair. - Sure you do. It's right there. - That's not an extra chair. It's my guest chair. - Okay, whatever. The point is that the base broke off of my chair. - I can't sit on
060416 -- a chair that has no wheel base. It's unstable. - Stop being a baby. Just turn your chair upside-down and it will be totally stable. - When did your chair break? Last spring. You get used to it.
060417 -- I need your honest opinion about my project plan. Don't hold back. - Your plan looks like it was written by a drunken lemur as a practical joke on other drunken lemurs. - Today I learned that people don't like drunken lemur analogies.
060418 -- Dilbert says my plan won't work. I need a second opinion. - Hypothetically, if I say your plan is terrific, would I end up being the engineer who has to implement it? - Maybe. Your plan reeks of infeasibility.
060419 -- Dilbert and Wally refuse to support my project plan. Will you take a look at it? - GAAA!!! THE STUPIDITY IS LEAPING OFF THE PAGE AND BURROWING INTO MY BRAIN!!! - gurgle Does anyone around here know how to say a simple "this won't work"?
060420 -- Your engineers think my project plan won't work. - I'll assign Wally to your project. He's a perfect fit. - Because he's a problem solver? Because he won't work either.
060421 -- I just saw a study that says the dull appearance of my cubicle is probably inhibiting the growth of neurons in my brain! - Try sitting there for a few more hours and then tell me if you feel any different. - Now I can't remember what I was
060421 -- complaining about.
060422 -- Topper I had to carry over three weeks of vacation. That's nothing! - I carried over so much time that they had  to create a new month and name it after me! - Shut your pie hole! It looks as if someone if having a bad topperuary.
060423 -- Your management performance has been abysmal. I'm afraid I have to minimize you. - Minimize? Is that like downsize? - Downsizing is only for non-managers. - Abysmal managers get minimized. Follow me. - Your new office is the size of a
060423 -- refrigerator crisper. - You will have no direct reports and your job title will be "Director of Unnecessary and Special Projects." - Can I ever be maximized? Maybe if some other manager jumps off the roof. - You're right - the view up here is
060423 -- spectacular!
060424 -- I reserved a mid-sized car. Let's see what's left. - We don't have any cars left. But I can let you borrow a glove from the lost-and-found bin. - What good is one glove? You wouldn't ask that if you had a frozen hand.
060425 -- Sorry I'm late. The car rental place was out of cars. - All they had was this glove from their lost-and-found. So I put it on and ran here. - At least I got something. Hey, that's my glove!
060426 -- I plan to build my own country on the ocean using barges. - I shall rule with an iron paw, punishing citizens for no reason other than my own entertainment. Buwhaha!!! - I'm hoping people will put up with it because their homes are near the
060426 -- ocean.
060427 -- Vijay, The World's Most Desperate Venture Capitalist I need a hundred billion to build an ocean city on barges. - TAKE MY MONEY!!! TAKE IT, TAKE IT, TAKE IT! - Do I get stock or something? How about an insincere wag? insincere wag!
060428 -- "Dogbert's Barge City" is the affordable way to live by the ocean. - Your brochure says you will rule with an iron paw and throw dissidents to the sharks. - Well, I'm in. But this one is getting all dissident on you.
060429 -- Welcome to "Dogbert's Barge City," your floating paradise. - Please leave your cell phones behind, as well as anything else that might let you signal for help. - There's more garbage in paradise than you'd think.
060430 -- Wally, I have to let you go... - Well, this was bound to happen. - I guess someone told you that I e-mailed your CEO and said you think his daughter looks like a chimp. - Or is it because I built a guest house from stolen office supplies? -
060430 -- Maybe it's because you found out that I've been taking a dollar out of your desk every day for seven years. - Actually, I was trying to say I have to let you go to a training class. - - Is it someplace nice?
060501 -- I worked all year on a project that got canceled today because we got a new vice president who didn't like it. - I made a billion dollars by convincing suckers that a garbage barge was oceanfront real estate. - Would you lend me some money so I
060501 -- can open my own business? No, but I know some people on a barge that would.
060502 -- And that's how I made a billion dollars in shady real estate deals. - The moral of the story is that crime doesn't pay... - directly; it goes through escrow. Dogbert, don't ruin the rat.
060503 -- Hello Dogbert. I am here to persuade you to give your billions to third world countries. - If guilt does not work, I am prepared to wrestle you for it. - How's your decoy working out? He's got Bono in a headlock.
060504 -- You're always complaining about the management of your company so I decided to do something about it. - I used my billions to buy your company! You're going to fix management? - No, I just wanted to stop all the whining. You're fired.
060505 -- Unemployed No problem. I'll just go online  and find a great job. - Let's see...this one looks good. "No experience needed... - ...must be willing to relocate, then be put into a huge blender and packaged as a condiment."
060506 -- Job Interview We need someone who can solve the biggest engineering problem we have ever encountered. - Just distribute the power supply across both functions and double the fan size. - Thanks. If I need anything else, I'll interview you again.
060507 -- And then we'll send the draft for review... - BZZZZT! - Greetings. I am the Wally from the year 2040. - In the future, time travel will be possible but highly unethical. - But it's only unethical if you make the mistake of changing anything
060507 -- from the past. - I was out of coffee so I came here to get a fresh cup. Ah, here we go. - I have to run. Make sure nothing changes because of my visit or it will kill everyone in the future. - Let me be the first to say that this feels awkward.
060508 -- Now that I'm unemployed, I don't feel like a valuable member in society. - Consider this bag of garbage. It too is unemployed and yet it is worthy of love. - I don't love it. That's too bad because no one else will date you now.
060509 -- You said I'd never find an online date because I'm unemployed. But you were wrong! - have you seen her picture? Yes! She looks hot. - Do you have "Photoshop" software? Maybe.
060510 -- With your billions of dollars, I don't understand why you live here? - I don't. I live in an underground city of interconnected palaces. The elevator is in your linen closet. - We billionaires only come topside to take your coffee and your
060510 -- women. Oh. Hola, Dogbert.
060511 -- Career Counselor And why did you leave your last job? - My dog was tired of hearing me whine about my job, so he became a billionaire and bought my company and fired me. - I don't have a checkbox for that so I'll just write in "loser."
060512 -- I'm going to start a high tech company in the garage. - Some of the most successful companies started in garages. It must help somehow. - I wonder if those other guys had homeowner rules about not parking in the driveway.
060513 -- I invented a search engine that's also a singles matching service. - It automatically matches singles who search for the same keywords. - And then it threatens to E-Mail those keywords to their mothers if they don't agree to date. I have taught
060513 -- you well.
060514 -- I've had it with this place! I quit! No!!!! - We can't finish the project on time if you leave. - I'll give you a 20% raise if you stay. - Really= Okay. I'll stay. - Huh. - HEY, EVERYONE, DISLOYALTY IS BEING REWARDED! - - I'll probably get
060514 -- another raise for this.
060515 -- I need your help to patent my search engine algorithm. - Then I will become a billionaire and have attractive girlfriends. - Hold on...I have an emerging primate...and he's got wings! ooh! ooh! ooh!
060516 -- Aren't you afraid that Google will try to squash you for inventing a better search engine? - Their company motto is "Don't be evil." It's not as if they have a death ray or something. - Google Headquarters Now look in the big hole, Eric.
060517 -- Google Headquarters Isn't it a little bit evil to kill Dilbert with our death ray? - Good point...what if I just blast the space station out of orbit and make it land on this house? - I'll bet you ten million dollars you can't. And the loser
060517 -- has to introduce himself as "the dumb one."
060518 -- My space defense shield detects an incoming threat. I am launching intercept rockets. - Apparently the boys at Google used a death ray to blast the International Space Station out of orbit and toward our house. - Why do you have a space defense
060518 -- shield? Doesn't that seem like a stupid question now?
060519 -- Vijay, The World's Most Desperate Venture Capitalist I started in my garage... TAKE MY MONEY!!! - Don't you want to hear the rest? I don't see how it could get any better. - I have a product. I NEED A FORKLIFT AND MASSAGE OIL NOW!!!
060520 -- I got funding to start my own search engine company! Nothing can stop me now! - Meanwhile FIRE THE LAWYERPULT - I'd like to talk to you about your patent.
060521 -- The first item of business is... clicky clicky clicky clicky clicky clicky clicky - What's that sound? clicky clicky clicky clicky clicky clicky - Airplane Scooter Locusts - Why does it stop when you talk? - It landed. It parked. They're
060521 -- napping. - Okay...anyway, I wanted to thank you all for your attendance. clicky clicky clicky clicky - I know you were concerned that my meetings were using up all of the time you had for doing work. clicky clicky clicky clicky clicky clicky -
060521 -- Productivity is up, but apparently we have locusts.
060522 -- You thought up your search engine idea before we fired you. That means my company owns it. - That's why I used the lawyerpult to hurl our attorney onto you. - Now I'm using the holograph device you invented. That thing is making us billions.
060522 -- GAAA!!!
060523 -- When you worked here, you signed a non-compete agreement. - It clearly states that you are not allowed to earn money, sleep indoors, procreate or seek medical care. - Section 5B describes what you must now do with this ceremonial dagger.
060524 -- If your lawyers are going to claim all of my patents, I demand my old job back. - Okay. Really? - Yay.
060525 -- Good news, Carol: the new office supply catalog is here. - If you leaf through it and imagine that you can order things, you'll get a mild shopper's high. - Now...I know how much you hate the phrase "in lieu of a raise"...
060526 -- Alice, our budget is tight so I've been asked to reward you with non-monetary compensation. - Do you know Ken in marketing? You can punch him as hard as you want. - Does Ken know about this? People love surprises.
060527 -- Asok, you've done a good job this quarter so I'm going to toss a little non-monetary compensation your way. - Tell me some boring story about your life and I'll pretend to enjoy it. - And the story should involve pirates. Go.
060528 -- Here's a game card that gives you a chance to win groceries. - No thanks. Just take a penny off of my bill and we'll call it even. - Um...I can't do that. Why not? Isn't that game card worth a penny? - We don't have a procedure. How's that my
060528 -- problem? - Look, maybe you could eat something that's worth a penny and I'll look the other way. - How a bout a grape? I like grapes. - It would have to be one that's been on the floor. - It tasted like victory.
060529 -- Dilbert, meet your new coworker, Mister Serdecisionas. Call me Lou. - Can you cover for me tomorrow while I put shelf paper in my kitchen cabinets? - Tomorrow is our project kickoff meeting. Good lord, man! I can't put dishes on wood?
060530 -- Asok, I'm outsourcing your job to India. What? - I moved here from India to take this job! Now I'll have to go back! - Tell Sandeep I need some photocopies.
060531 -- Wally, my job has been outsourced to India. - That's interesting because you came here from India. - Did you already think of that? YES!
060601 -- I got a job at the Indian company where you outsourced my job. - Then I arranged to work from home, which, as you know, is my old cubicle. - Fine, here's your assignment. E-Mail it to me. My day starts in 10 hours.
060602 -- We need to add a $3 component to our product to comply with federal law. - The product review committee will need a cost-benefit study before we decide. - And you know it's accurate because I used math! DUH^100
060603 -- The product review board approved your business case for the government mandate. - Diversity is very important to this company. - What do you think "government mandate" means? I've seen the way the mailman looks at me.
060604 -- Blah, blah, blah, blah. Uh-oh. - It's 2 o'clock and my brain has shut down for the afternoon. - Blah, blah, blah, blah... I have no idea what he's talking about. - This calls for some generic leadership. - Do a cost-benefit analysis, get buy-in
060604 -- from all the  key stakeholders, and track the critical metrics. - Now if you'll excuse me, I have a conference call. - push - How did anyone manage before there were fake conference calls?
060605 -- Dogbert's Tech Support Yes, we do claim that our software is idiot-proof. - If you bought it, that's proof you're an idiot. - High, five!
060606 -- Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources What? You've been randomly selected for a drug test. - I have a shy bladder. I can't produce under pressure!!! Do it now or be fired. - Thanks for understanding. DO IT! DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!
060607 -- Human resources tells me that you refused to take a random drug test. - I didn't refuse. I literally can't do it. because I have a shy bladder. It's a medical condition that 7% of men have. - I hope you will understand. It's a side effect of
060607 -- the nose candy, right?
060608 -- If you don't give us a urine sample to test, I have to fire you. - How about a hair sample to test instead? - How do I know it's your hair? You can take the sample yourself. - Add this to the list of things you shouldn't trust human resources
060608 -- to do.
060609 -- Patty The Amplifier and Distorter We got a proposal from a new vendor today. - DILBERT LOVES THE NEW VENDOR HE THINKS THAT ANYONE WHO DISAGREES IS AN IDIOT! - That's not what... HE'S HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH THE SALES REP!
060610 -- Patty The Amplifier and Distorter Tell the project team that we're pushing back the schedule by a week. - I can't tell you the reason because you would amplify and distort it. - THE SCHEDULE IS CHANGING BECAUSE DILBERT HATES WOMEN!!!
060611 -- Would you like to by a candy bar for my daughter's school fundraiser? - No thanks, I'm not hungry. - That's not really the point. - Why would I buy an overpriced candy bar if I didn't plan on eating it right away? - You'd do it because your
060611 -- coworker asked you to. - That's a reason? Yes, it is. - In that case, I'll take one. - Five Minutes Later Hey, coworker, would you like to buy a half-eaten candy bar?
060612 -- I don't believe in using Blackberries. I prefer the old ways. click click click - The only effective way to communicate is person to person. click click click click click click click - What's he babbling about? click click click Something about
060612 -- being old. click click I'm a people person!
060613 -- Satan's Vendor You'll have many benefits after our technology is irrevocably implemented in your network. - For example, when one of our products stops working, we'll blame another vendor within 24 hours. - Do you have free T-Shirts? - Yes,
060613 -- they're made of the fines allergens.
060614 -- Satan's Vendor We'll send your engineers to our free training course. - The training is held on our own island retreat. - I'm going where? Fecalruba
060615 -- Satan's Vendor Ha ha ha! Now that you've implemented our product, you are at our mercy. - We shall raise the prices of upgrades and delay promised patches. There is nothing you can do about it. Nothing! - Wow. You're fast with those scissors. I
060615 -- scrap.
060616 -- Let's use our process to figure out why project Wolverine failed. - There was only one reason: Management discourages employees from voicing opinions. - Wanagewent duthcourages uth. Boo hoo!
060617 -- I think what we should do is... - Give me a minute to install my management listening catheter. - Tell me about your excellent suggestion.
060618 -- Annual Review Your project came in 10% over budget. - Actually, it came in in at exactly what I estimated. - You cut my budget by 10% because you wanted to feel like a leader. - I assume you'll give me a huge raise to reward my excellent
060618 -- estimating ability. - Why can't you be like Wally? His project budget was $10,000,000 and he only spent $147. - If you're so smart, explain that! - That's hard to explain without using the phrase "you gullible toad." - I'm next. What kind of
060618 -- mood is he in? Not so good.
060619 -- Smokin'Jim I'll see if the errors are coming from the compiler or...uh-oh. - Code Red! I'm losing him! Bring the containment suit, stat! - He'll be highly productive for another hour. Then we'll notify the widow.
060620 -- Smokin'Jim I've got a nicotine addiction, a tiny bladder, and attention deficit disorder. - So talk fast because I can't focus for more than ten seconds. - Gaa! I have to learn to give that warning faster!!!!
060621 -- You need to work this weekend. There's no work to do. I'm waiting for input. - That doesn't matter. Strong leaders make their people work on weekends. - Then he asked me what the clueless leaders do, as if I would know that.
060622 -- Before I begin my day, I'd like to see which of my thirty projects you still remember assigning to me. - 10 Minutes Later ...and thirty: rename the projects so it's not so easy to spot our overspending. - None of those ring a bell, but they all
060622 -- seem critical now. Ouch.
060623 -- Gaaa! You put your gum on this recyclable waste material!!! - How do you like it in your hair? Huh? Not so funny now it is, tree-killer! - The worst part is that I envy him for being passionate about his job.
060624 -- I'm Betty, the Bulldozer, and I always get what I want! - Drop everything and start doing my bidding now, intern! - shudder This was just a test. Wait here until I need something.
060625 -- Welcome to Dogbert's Accelerated Sales Training Course. - Today you will learn how a person can simultaneously drink and golf. - What will we learn tomorrow? - Tomorrow? What part of "accelerated" is confusing you? - As you know, the hard part
060625 -- about drinking and golfing is that they both require your hands. - That's why I invented the Sportsman's Beer Muzzle. - Give this to your client and the sale will practically make itself. Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - This ish the besht day of my life! I'll
060625 -- put you down for ten pallets of mouse pads.
060626 -- Can you bring me up to speed before we go to the meeting? - No. You can't fit two gallons in a thimble no matter how fast you pour. - Wait a minute...which one of us is the thimble?
060627 -- I've written a future best-selling book. - It's part fake autobiography and part plagiarism. - Publisher Pitch You were a large white whale? Wow! Until I married Mary Magdalene.
060628 -- Oprah invited me to appear on her show to talk about my book. But I'm too busy. Can you pretend you're me? - Gosh...normally I would never do something like that, but it's probably my only chance of being on Oprah. Thank you. - Ow! Ow! Ow!
060628 -- Oprah is a surprisingly good puncher.
060629 -- Exit Interview And what is your reason for leaving? - To be honest, I was spending way too much time thinking about creative ways to kill you. - Have you cleared out your desk? Why don't you go check.
060630 -- Our CEO got a $40,000,000 bonus this year. Can I get that too? - Wally, he got that much because he's a million times more important than you. - Fair enough. Can I have the $400 that you say I'm worth?
060701 -- Don't worry, Alice. Stinky pets is here to work closely with you on that technical problem. - I like to begin by releasing all of my negative energy. - BRRAAAP! aaeeii!!
060702 -- Dilbert, this is Amber Dextrous, your new co-worker. - Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. She's going for the hug. - Oh heck, I'll just go with the flow and for once not be the socially awkward one. - She wasn't going for the hug. She shakes
060702 -- with both hands. - She's the perfect employee. She can do two things at the same time! - Human resources surgically separated the two sides of her brain so she can multitask. - Two Days Later I'm sorry to report that Amber drowned while trying
060702 -- to talk and drink water at the same time. - Human resources would like to see you after the meeting.
060703 -- Stinky Pete I was jogging to work and eating my onion sandwich when I spotted a sewage spill. - So I did what anyone would do in that situation: I rolled around in it. - A penny for your thoughts. I must insert my head into my buttocks so I can
060703 -- breathe.
060704 -- I can no longer work with you because of what you said to someone about me. - What did I allegedly say to whom? - I can't tell you without violating the insane chick code of ethics.
060705 -- Welcome to the monthly meeting of insane chicks. - Our speaker today is Betty, and her topic is "all the people who are intentionally hurting us." - The breakout session is titled "How to turn your imaginary problems into real ones."
060706 -- The Society Of Insane Chicks I know he hates me because he likes to play racquetball. - Maybe he just likes racquetball. And wants to stay healthy. - Leave now.
060707 -- I did a background check and discovered that you embellished your resume. - For example, there's no college named "The Einstein One." - And I'm reasonably certain that "smartology" isn't a real major.
060708 -- Now that I know your resume was embellished, you need to talk to the VP of human resources. - Are you going to fire me? Nah. I'll let you in on a little secret. - I'm the ficus tree that used to be in the lobby.
060709 -- Dilbert, I have a little project for you to do in your spare time. - What exactly is my "spare time"? - Well, for example, there's the time that normal people would use for dating. - And since you're not dating, you can trim a few minutes from
060709 -- your hygiene schedule, too. - Then there's the time you spend daydreaming about a fulfilling life. - That's exactly like stealing from the company. - And your stupid questions - those have to take at least an hour a day. - Are my questions
060709 -- stupid? Not as bad as your answers.
060710 -- We discovered that the mud in Elbonia is caused by an abundance of oil and coal near the surface. - Our country will be prosperous and happy forever unless we do something incredibly stupid. - Are you building any weapons of mass destruction?
060710 -- Why? Is that a problem?
060711 -- I want you to write a business case for lobbying our government to attack Elbonia. - In the risk analysis section, do you want me to assume that hell is real or imaginary? - Real. But remember to discount the infinite future flows of agony to
060711 -- the present so it doesn't look so bad.
060712 -- If you hire me as your lobbyist I will convince Switzerland to attack Elbonia. - When the war begins, your sales of Kevlar Lederhosen will skyrocket! - It's not as bad as it sounds. Elbonians believe that if they die fighting a neutral country,
060712 -- their souls get candy.
060713 -- Dogbert The Lobbyist For a million dollars I can have the government include your industrial waste in the recommended food pyramid. - For another million I'll have congress authorize huge tax breaks for soulless, Blackberry-using weasels with
060713 -- coffee breath. - I just want to hug you! That's another million.
060714 -- Dogbert The Lobbyist Congressman, I will give you this bag of money if you vote for tax breaks for my client. - Try to be less obvious than last time. - YES! I VOTE YES! smooth.
060715 -- You're in luck. I've lobbied the governments of several countries to attack your country and liberate you and your oil. - We're already a democratic country! You're confusing us with North Elbonia! - For a nitpicker, you sure dress poorly.
060716 -- Wally, you've agreed to pull together all of the technical specifications by Thursday, right? - Yes, I'll look into pulling that stuff together. - I don't need you to "look into it." I need you to do it. I agree. - Are you agreeing that i need
060716 -- it or agreeing to do it? - You will have the list of who has the technical specifications by Thursday. - I don't need the list of who has them. I need the specifications! I agree. - Gaaa!!! Forget it! I'll get them myself! - Did you help Bob
060716 -- get what he needs? He'll have everything by Thursday.
060717 -- Sorry I'm late. I was behind a herd of slow walkers. - I couldn't jog around them at the wide spots because my coffee cup was too full. - It's all part of my Can't-Do approach to life.
060718 -- My pointy-haired boss couldn't make it so he asked me to take notes. - Then entire reason for this meeting is to get his input. How the %*$!* does taking notes help? - The...entire...
060719 -- What type of meeting-decision style will we be using today? - Will it be authoritative, consultative, voting or consensus? Shut your coffee hole. Well played.
060720 -- I find it rather demotivating that you never praise me for a job well done. - You've never done a job well. That's because I'm demotivated. - You have to go first. Wouldn't that make me the leader?
060721 -- Today I had a choice of doing something important that no one would ever realize... - ...or doing something useless that would look like an accomplishment. - So I attended meetings until I could no longer appreciate the difference. Keep up the
060721 -- good work.
060722 -- Do you know where Asok is? NO, I DO NOT! - Do you think it's my job to know the location of all employees? Do you? Do you? Do you? - Have you seen Alice? GAAA!!! MY HAIR IS ON FIRE!!
060723 -- What the...? How can you be relaxed with so much work to do? - Your mistake is taking pride in how much work you can complete. - You see, Alice, there's an infinite quantity of potential work. - But it's only possible to do a finite amount. -
060723 -- You have set yourself up for certain failure according to your own arbitrary standard. - By way of contrast, I take pride in *not* taking pride in my work. - I've already achieved my goal and it's not even lunch time yet. - Don't you need a new
060723 -- goal for after lunch? I'm aiming for a distended stomach.
060724 -- Wally, are you sure you should eat that burrito? You do not have ISO 9004-3 certification. - HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA - It is entirely possible that I have been working here for too long.
060725 -- Is it more important to follow our documented process or to meet the deadline? - I only ask because our deadline is arbitrary and our documented process was pulled out of someone's lower torso. - Where's your artificial sense of urgency?
060725 -- Teamwork killed it.
060726 -- Wally, I came to ask you for the new design specs. - But we both know you'll send me to someone who doesn't have them. And that person will refer me back to you. - When I return, you will have escaped to your secret hiding place. - Ted has the
060726 -- specs.
060727 -- There's a little thing i like to do before any meeting with a marketing guy. - BONK! - This way there's more congruence between the things you say and the way you look.
060728 -- Alice, I've received some complaints that you have been bonking the heads of marketing people on tables. - Where else should I bonk their heads? Tables are the best places!!! - I don't think I'm getting through. The chair is way too soft!
060729 -- Alice, interview the guy in our conference room and see what he can do for us. - I'm going to bonk your head on the table. If it sounds empty, you'll work in marketing. - How did it go? I bonked too hard. We just got a new sales guy.
060730 -- Did you fund the infrastructure project yet? Nope. - I'm playing budget chicken with the director of operations. - I'm hoping that his department needs the infrastructure more than we do. - If I can bluff him into funding the project with his
060730 -- budget instead of mine, I win. - He'll be reprimanded for exceeding his budget and I'll get a bonus for being under mine. - I'll use the bonus to buy a summer cabin by the lake. - Then I'll E-Mail him pictures of my cabin and say, "I hope
060730 -- you're enjoying your infrastructure as much as I'm enjoying my cabin!" - You've reached a new low. I've been thinking of firing you so I can get a fishing hat.
060731 -- You've had fifteen jobs in two months. How can I be sure you're not a job hopper? - Maybe i change jobs a lot. And maybe i have gigantic rabbit ears. But does that make me a job hopper? - Okay, okay, you're hired. I am so sick of this place!
060801 -- I hear you're a job hopper. I like to think I have high standards. - Are you aware that all jobs require you to do things you'd rather not do? That's why they have to pay you. - Perhaps your expectations are unrealistic. I Quit! I'm going
060801 -- someplace where my coworkers will never waste my time!!!
060802 -- My Powerpoint presentation is a vision of beauty and persuasion. - It will make engineers weep, and profits will rain down from the sky. - Jeepers, what kind of limping scrod is that? The good kind!
060803 -- Did you have a chance to review my Powerpoint presentation? - It's full of technical jargon and it's way too long. - Did you even look at it? Why would I look at something like that?
060804 -- Our CEO has five minutes. Is that enough time for your Powerpoint presentation? - No. An incomplete explanation of the situation will cause massively harmful strategic choices. - What can we get for four-and-a-half minutes?
060805 -- In order to make an informed decision, you would need to know as much as I know - That's impossible, so instead, by mutual, implied agreement, I will feed you some lies that point you to the right decision. - If we don't upgrade our servers, a
060805 -- herd of trolls will attack headquarters. No trolls!
060806 -- I'm like the story of the auto mechanic. - A woman has her car towed into the shop. The mechanic opens the hood and takes a look. - After about ten seconds he takes a hammer and taps the engine. It starts right up. - The mechanic says, "That
060806 -- will be $100, please." zzzz - The woman says, "$100??? All you did was tap the engine!" - The mechanic says, "it's $90 for knowing where to tap and $10 for the tap." zzzzz - TAP! - 20 years ago I wouldn't have known which one of you to tap.
060807 -- Hey, I'm having a Schadenfreude party. Would you like to come? - Sure! I don't know what Schadenfreude means, but it sounds fun. Too bad you're not invited, looser. - Ouch. Best party ever.
060808 -- Customers are complaining that our price stickers leave white crud on the product. - Our action plan is to include directions on how to lick it off. - What about fingernails? Why would you lick fingernails?
060809 -- Do you mind if I spout obvious generalities about information? - If you have too much information, and it's not organized in any useful way, then it can't help you to make decisions. - Are you a consultant or mildly retarded? I wish I knew.
060810 -- The Mildly Retarded Consultant You'll have to drink from the firehose unless... - ...you drill down and check the dashboard to see why the bloatware bubbled of from the bake-off. - Does that mean anything? Don't ping my cheese with your
060810 -- bandwidth.
060811 -- You know what's funny? I'm getting paid to consult, but you're the smartest and most experienced person in the room. - That must burn you like the heat of a thousand suns. - TWEEEET That's my favorite sound!
060812 -- Hi. I'm your new nemesis. - The nemesis function used to be handled informally. Now it's a profession, kind of like project management. - Stand by while I prepare my nemesis face and look for reasons to thwart you. sigh
060813 -- When do I need to give the specs to the programmers? - They don't need them. - Why? Is it because they already know what to do? - Yes, exactly. They know how to do that part. - Well, now I have a difficult choice. - I could call the
060813 -- programmers, prove you wrong, and suffer the consequences in a thousand subtle ways... - Or I could do nothing and wait to get hosed for not providing the specs on time. - Geez. You complain when I *don't* give you choices too.
060814 -- And that's why I recommend using this process. - The Office Nemesis Have you done a cost-benefit analysis for every conceivable option? - Safety violation! Safety violation!
060815 -- By now, you've noticed that your jobs are hideous nightmares of frustration and underpayment. - But what you don't know is that every other company is exactly the same. - Reduce employee turnover...check.
060816 -- blah blah blah Drop the cell phone. I darn you to heck. - blah blah blah Seriously, don't make me use the spoon. - I'm sorry it had to come to this.
060817 -- Mordac, The Preventor Of Information Services You have exceeded your E-Mail storage limit! - To increase you limit, you must get approval from you VP, the CIO, and one nonexistent person to be named later. - I'm thinking either a Yeti or a
060817 -- bikini model who is also an engineer.
060818 -- This week I tried to work, but pop-up messages kept telling me to update my computer's software. - I tried closing the pop-up windows, but they just kept coming back. There were too many of them! - Did you upgrade your software? Great. I see
060818 -- whose side you're on.
060819 -- Today I will keep a positive attitude about life. - I canceled your project so I can use the budget to remodel my office. - Yay, life!
060820 -- Dilbert, meet your new coworker, Phil O'Dendron. - Phil is a potted plant. He'll sit in your cubicle all day while you try to work. - Does it talk? - He has three stories that he repeats in an infinite loop. - He'll begin with his reasons for
060820 -- why you should use his tax guy. - Then he'll do a recap of recent reality TV shows. - And last but not least, "the way we did it at my last job." - How do you plan to cut expenses? Well, performance bonuses are under control.
060821 -- Maybe I'll quit this job and sell things on Ebay. What things? - Items. - People like items. Good plan.
060822 -- Wally, we've been monitoring your Internet usage. - You've been running a side business on Ebay, selling our office supplies. - Well, I guess empowerment turned out to be a bunch of blah, blah, blah.
060823 -- Wally, I've documented all of your disciplinary issues in your personnel file. - You have violations for every letter of the alphabet except z. For some reason you missed that one. - zzzzzz
060824 -- Wally has a laziness disability. If you fire him, I will sue you for violating labor laws. - Furthermore, he is part endangered butterfly, on his mother's side. - As we speak, he's looking for a workplace hazard to roll around in.
060825 -- Your lawyer threatened to sue if I fire you for gross incompetence. So I decided to let you stay. - And we've moved to an alphabetical system for awarding "employee of the month." This is your month. - Stupid alphabet.
060826 -- Alice, we're doing some construction and I have to move you to a slightly larger cubicle. - Muwhahaha! I will use the power of my slightly larger cubicle to rule my coworkers with an iron fist! - GET OUT OF MY WAY, YOU WORTHLESS MICROCUBER!!
060827 -- There's one thing you should know... Whoa, woa, Asok! - What? Never tell him anything when he's distracted. - He won't remember what you say. Later he'll blame you for not telling him. - Also avoid telling him anything when he's angry, late, or
060827 -- busy. - And don't tell him anything when he's tense or hungry. - That doesn't leave much. I usually wait for a yawn. - Yawn! My project is behind schedule because the vendor lied!!! - The next one is all yours.
060828 -- This is a picture of my cubicle. As you see, it's slightly larger than yours. - That means I'm slightly more important than you. - And yet you've worked here much longer. I GET IT!!!
060829 -- I couldn't do any work this week because you gave Alice a bigger cubicle. - Your favoritism had a corrosive effect on my morale, thus inhibiting my effectiveness. - I'm optimistic that you'll do a better job of motivating me next week.
060830 -- I'm a technology left-behind. - I don't know how to use a computer, cell phone, PDA, digital camera, iPod or TiVO. - I'd recommend a life of crime but you aren't qualified.
060831 -- The highlight of my workday is my ham sandwich. - From now until quitting time, nothing else will be as rewarding. - What do you do after work? I think about the sandwich.
060901 -- We can kick a field goal in the ninth inning if we use a full-court press. - Remember that you drive for show but pick up the spare for dough. - Have you been helping Alice with her sports metaphors? Perhaps.
060902 -- Executive Compensation Review Board How much should we pay our CEO if he just shows up for work? - FIFTY MILLION DOLLARS!!! honk honk - The clown makes a good argument. Aye!
060903 -- You exceeded all of your goals this year. - But I can't give you much of a raise because you didn't have the appearance of success. - Um...what? - I have to justify to management all large raises, and they don't know that you exist. - Who do
060903 -- they think accomplished all of my goals? - - I'll make it up to you next year. push - Who was that? Some vendor.
060904 -- If I buy this, how can I be sure you won't come out with a newer version next week? - I give you my word as a job-hopping commission junky with a gambling problem. - And even if we did have a newer version, it sure wouldn't fix any of the
060904 -- problems that this one has.
060905 -- Wow! You're a decorated army combat veteran. - That's the kind of toughness we need around here. You're hired! - Then we'll have a premeeting to discuss leveraging our synergies to productize our content. GAAA!!!
060906 -- Is it difficult to transition from leading troops in combat to the corporate life? - WHERE ARE THE PRODUCT SPECS?!! - The main difference is that it's harder to get good Intel.
060907 -- The enemy was less than fifty feet away and my only hope was to call for an air strike. - That reminds me of the time I ran out of staples and had to use glue. - And then a sniper spotted me. My glue was bad.
060908 -- Steve, ask everyone in the department to sign this birthday card for my secretary. - I've led menin combat and this is the sort of assignment you give me?? - Also, run down to the convenience store and buy her something fluffy or orange.
060909 -- What are you going to wear to Ted's wedding? - Whatever comes up in the rotation. - Then she shrieked some nonsense about spending six months shopping for shoes and started to punch me.
060910 -- How was your conference call? - Very successful. Bill said he'd find a new supplier for the casing. - Or it might have been Ron, Ted, or Bob. They all sound the same on the phone. - I hope it wasn't Bill. He never follows through. - Ron is too
060910 -- overworked, Ted is a liar and Bob's a moron. - I'd say the call was a waste of time. It might even be a huge step backward. - - Success is the happy feeling you get between the time you do something an the time you tell a woman what you did.
060911 -- You're in charge of installing the system that Lyin' John sold to our biggest customer. - Lyin' John neglected to include the network and server in his sale. This is a financial sinkhole. - You take the joy out of delegating.
060912 -- Here's the problem: our salesman, Lyin' John, sold you a system that we can't install without losing money. - I propose that you pay us 40% more than we quoted you in the contract, and everyone wins. - crack!!! Her body language says she's
060912 -- thinking about it.
060913 -- Per your suggestion, I asked our customer to voluntarily pay us more money to cover our bidding error. - It might surprise you to learn that our customer doesn't like that idea. - You probably made it sound like a bad thing.
060914 -- Our sales guy vastly underbid a job. now it's my project to install the system in a way that's profitable. - Blame your customer for underspecifying the features then charge her through the nose for change orders. - Three million dollars for an
060914 -- electrical plug? The base model uses a potato battery.
060915 -- I want employees who are passionate! - GIVE ME THIS JOB OR SO HELP ME GOD, I WILL CUT OFF MY EAR! - And I'm a people person.
060916 -- My new strategy is to hire passionate people instead of smart ones. - I curse the air conditioning system that blows such a cold wind! - I can already feel our stock price going up.
060917 -- We don't have enough chairs. - - Why do I always have to get the extra chair? - I need to borrow your guest chair. No way. - - PUNCH PUNCH PUNCH PUNCH PUNCH GAAA!!! PUNCH PUNCH PUNCH PUNCH - - If you aren't willing to punch a coworker for a
060917 -- chair, you don't belong in this business.
060918 -- Alice, I'm sending you to a communication class. - Because I've noticed that your words often say one thing while your body language says another. - Frankly, it's creepy. Thank you. I appreciate the useful feedback.
060919 -- Welcome to Dogbert's communication seminar. - Today you will learn how to use your Blackberry while pretending to listen. - Now repeat after me: Uh-huh, yeah, uh-huh. What was he thinking? Wow! click click click click
060920 -- Dogbert's Communication Seminar There's really no point in listening to other people. - They're either going to be agreeing with you or saying stupid stuff. - That should cut down on the questions.
060921 -- I got the latest numbers from Yvonne. - How's Yvonne doing with the Sextuplets now that her house burned down and she had shoulder surgery? - It didn't come up.
060922 -- So, Asok, what have you heard about Ted's project? - He seems to be in over his head and he's blaming you for cutting the whole budget. - I hope this doesn't come back to bite me. Not now, Carol. I'm working my new snitch.
060923 -- Please don't tell Ted I said bad things about his project. Okay. - Hey Ted, someone told me that your project is floundering!!! gurk! - Act cool.
060924 -- Welcome to Dogbert's School of Management. - In today's lesson you will learn how to get your employees to do the impossible. - I have issued to each of you one large rock for practice. - Throw your rock in the air and demand that it stay there
060924 -- without falling. - Offer some non-monetary compensation to your rock to incent it. - If your rock refuses to comply, try yelling at it. Go. - BONK!-OW! BONK!-OW! BONK!-OW! BONK!-OW! BONK!-OW! BONK!-OW! - For those of you who stood directly
060924 -- below your rock, congratulations. Pick up your diploma on the way out.
060925 -- I'm in trouble. Do we have a witness protection program for office snitches? - I have the perfect hiding place for employees. - I'm gonna go eat some asparagus. Try to blend in.
060926 -- You're so attractive that I'm blind to your complete lack of qualifications. - If I hire you, will you show up for work? Not often, you ignorant lump. - Ha ha! It's cute the way you say it. Ha ha! I want your office.
060927 -- Alice, this is Ellen, your new natural enemy. - You're highly skilled but mannish, whereas Ellen is unqualified and totally hot. - Now I will have to decide who will come with me to the trade show in Hawaii and who will do the furniture
060927 -- inventory.
060928 -- Did you hire Ellen just because she's hot? - Carol, hotness is an important skill. It's like a super power. - From now on, how much are you charging us for printer cartridges? FUH FUH FREE!
060929 -- That new employee is getting special treatment just because she's hot. It's unfair. - She's hot? Where is her cubicle? Maybe I should bring her some coffee. - Do you mind brewing an extra pot? I don't know how big her mug is.
060930 -- The new employee at work is hot, and she's getting special treatment. How can I get rid of her? - Water finds its own level. She'll leave within a week. - They say that most people meet their future spouses at work. ERK!
061001 -- According to my benchmark tests, our product is the worst one in the market. - Maybe you can tweak the numbers. - Fake them? - Fake is such an ugly word. - Just remember that your next raise depends on the sales of that product. - And mistakes
061001 -- happen. A decimal place can be here or there. - All I'm asking is that you do the tests again... while drinking. - I always wondered what job satisfaction felt like.
061002 -- I come from a place where we have many colorful folk sayings! - I'm happier than a wooden spoon at the spelling bee. - Most of 'em  don't mean nothin'.
061003 -- Did you start the benchmark tests? - I'm all over that like a caterpillar on my Sunday pants. - Does that mean...yes? Do birds eat beans to fly faster?
061004 -- I cannot decide if you are very wise or just a big stupid moron. - Well, I'll tell you, little cowpoke, when the snake falls in love with the spaghetti, it's time to buy a new hat. - You look more flustered than a barefoot squirrel at a tire
061004 -- store. GAAA!!! THEY ALMOST MAKE SENSE!!!
061005 -- Hello, tech support, my computer is frozen. - Try hanging up and slamming your hand in a drawer. - How's work? My average call time is down and my job satisfaction is up.
061006 -- This t-shirt goes to Ted for his work on the Alpha project. - Idiot Your work was terrible. You're fired. - It was frightening. Were you scared shirtless?
061007 -- I need to blame someone for the failure of project Alpha. - Use the plunger of blame. It's the latest technology for randomly distributing blame. - Please tell me that someone is patting me on the back right now.
061008 -- A business magazine is sending a reporter to interview me. You? - They want to learn my best management practices. - That's a little like milking a squirrel because you need butter. - I don't know what that meant, but I like the way it sounded.
061008 -- - Describe your typical day. - Well, let me tell you... - Sometimes you milk the squirrel, and sometimes the squirrel milks you. - "He is like a Zen master. His words are peppered with squirrel-related wisdom."
061009 -- Why did you attach the plunger of blame to me? - The short answer is "because I can." - What's the long answer? Because I-I-I-I CA-A-A-A.
061010 -- My boss marked me with the plunger of blame. How can I get rid of it? - Eventually your body will absorb the plunger of blame and turn it into the wrinkles of experience. - And then you die. It's starting to itch!
061011 -- A disturbing number of you have requested the return of Loud Howard. - Loud Howard is one-dimensional. There is nothing clever or insightful about him. He is simply loud. - It is a mystery why anyone would want more of this guy. THEY LOVE ME!!!
061012 -- Loud Howard Returns. Loud Howard, I'm planning a reorg and I need you to... - A REORG? - ...keep it for yourself. CAN DO!
061013 -- Loud Howard THERE's GOING TO BE A REORG! - I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO TELL ANYONE! - Reorg? DON'T MAKE ME SHUSH YOU!
061014 -- I need you to drop whatever you're doing and work all might to make this change to your system. - If you refuse to do my bidding, Here's the rumor I will spread about you. - Ha! I'll say I was only scratching an itch. Good luck with that.
061015 -- My project has been infected by attractive people. - As you know, attractive people are unproductive. - The problem is compounded when you put several of them in the same room. - They've already started to pair off. - I've got four love
061015 -- triangles and six divorces. - All of my status reports say, and I quote, "Dude, I can't concentrate now." - My plan is to replace each attractive person with something like this, or this. - He thinks I'm productive.
061016 -- I stayed up all night working on Mindy's software because she threatened me if I didn't. - Really? Threats make you work all night? - Um...no? Work on this all night or I'll punch you.
061017 -- Sometimes I feel as if my life is nothing but moving things from one place to another. - I've decided to seek a deeper connection with others to cure my emptiness. - Blah, blah, blah. Maybe I'm doing it wrong.
061018 -- Wally, how do you cope with the soul-crushing futility of this job? - One day I realized that sadness is just another word for not enough coffee. - What got into you?
061019 -- I finished all of my projects on one day. - I also reconfigured the network, wrote seven white papers and applied for nine patents. - Are you naked or am I developing X-ray vision? Give a thought to decaf.
061020 -- I wanted to discuss the... Whoa! Stop. - Large doses of caffeine allow me to see the future. I already know what both of us will say. - You're a freak. And then I say, "and then I say..."
061021 -- Thanks to coffee, I can levitate objects with my mind. - Bring...the...mouse...bring the...mouse. - It's not perfect yet. No problem. I appreciate the attention.
061022 -- Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources Our employee onboarding process will get you all mainstreamed in no time at all. - This will be your cubicle, if we can find another place to store this junk. - You'll get a phone and computer if the
061022 -- budget ever gets approved. - This is Alice. She will be your mentor. - I don't have time to babysit! I'm buried in work! - I do not like you. I...do...not...like you!!! - stand in the hallway and read these binders. If you learn anything,
061022 -- forget it, because knowledge isn't rewarded here. - Try giving up hope. It turns the bad feeling into emptiness.
061023 -- How can I tell if I'm drinking too much coffee? - What would you do if I told you to quit? - I'd jab you with a used needle. In that case, you're fine.
061024 -- You've been acting strangely lately. Maybe you should cut down on the coffee. - You have failed me. Feel the power of the force! erk! - Bad dream? I wouldn't call it bad!
061025 -- Alice, you did the work of three people this year and earned the highest raise in the department! - 3% FOOM! - What made you all cumulonimbus? 3%.
061026 -- I worry that all of my wisdom is derived from bad analogies. - Ratbert, sometimes a good wine has to age before it is perfect. - So...I'll get smarter over time? To the extent that you are like a grape.
061027 -- I wanted to debate with people on the Internet but I worry that I'm not smart enough. - Maybe I'll just read what the smart people are saying. - Okay, I'm in.
061028 -- I'm debating on the Internet! - Ha ha! I'm winning every argument by saying the same thing! What's that? - "How would you like if Hitler killed you?" Hey, I debated you last night!
061029 -- Welcome to Dogbert's Deeply Discounted Motivational Speakers Bureau. - I need a slightly motivational speaker and I don't have much budget. - I want to inspire my employees to work harder, without motivating them to seek better jobs. - I
061029 -- recommend Robbie, the frightening Hobo. - Does he talk about his difficult journey from the dumpster to success? - We're not sure. He mumbles. - But no one has ever become an entrepreneur after hearing him speak. - mumble mumble mumble
061029 -- Must...keeep...job.
061030 -- Wally, I can't work with the smell of popcorn in the air. It makes me insane! - I use it to mask the odors coming from my body. Choose your poison. - Refueling the Hindenburg? Why are people so mean?
061031 -- It's another day of useless work and no accomplishment. - Luckily I have a meaningful personal life. - Ratbert broke the X-Box. GAAA!!! I HAVE NOTHING!
061101 -- Wally, the marketing department requested your help. Me? - Our new product is worthless, much like yourself. They figured you'd have some insight. - All it does is occupy space and smell bad. Well, it's definitely a gift item.
061102 -- Wally in Marketing We'll need a product for this product. - What do you call something that just occupies space and smells bad? - What was your name again? I don't like where this is heading.
061103 -- Wally in Marketing According to my marketing research, ninety percent of your customers... - ..."fantasize about beating you to death with your stupid product." - What about the other ten percent? They asked for your company address but didn't
061103 -- say why.
061104 -- Wally in Marketing Wally, I want you to design our sales collateral. - The trick is to compare our product with things that are even worse. - "Prettier than a skunk sandwich and cooler than a hobo's mittens."
061105 -- Today I will teach you how to use your incompetence to achieve your goals. - Step 1: Be incompetent. (also known as "the easy part.") - Step 2: Volunteer for the most difficult and important projects - Step 3: Convince your boss that an enemy
061105 -- within the company is slowing you down. - Step 4: Insist that competent people be pulled off of other projects to help you. - Step 5: Declare yourself the leader of the competent people - Step 6: Claim credit for the work of the competent
061105 -- people. - Step 7: After you get promoted, fire the competent people to eliminate witnesses.
061106 -- Hey Mort, are you coming to the...uh-oh. - Are you dead? Hello! Hello! - I'm going to let that problem work itself out.
061107 -- I just saw Mort in his cubicle. I think he's...dead. I noticed that yesterday. - And you didn't say anything???! Were you thinking he's just as as dead tomorrow and someone else can do the paperwork? - Wait. That's pretty good thinking... I was
061107 -- proud of it.
061108 -- There's a rumor that you're dead. Is it true? - - He'll be missed.
061109 -- We've got a dead guy in cubicle D-32. Uh-oh. - Do you have any idea how much paperwork it causes when someone dies in one of my cubicles? - Ten more feet to the marketing department.
061110 -- Get the user data from Ed. That's impossible. - Ed is an unreachable. He doesn't answer his phone or return messages. He's never in his cubicle and he doesn't read E-Mail. - Does he use the restroom? No, we think he modified his briefcase.
061111 -- I need some data from an unreachable guy named Ed. What should I do? - Just make up a bunch of data like everyone else does. - Everyone else does that? Are you doubting my data?
061112 -- Before you energize my team with your proposal, let me introduce everyone. - This is Wally. He'll show no reaction because he hopes apathy will kill your idea before it creates work. - This is Alice. She'll leave halfway through your
061112 -- presentation to take a phone call. - This is Asok. He'll be enthusiastic because he doesn't understand how the real world works. - This is Dilbert. He'll tell you why your idea is impossible. - This is Carol. She'll spend the entire meeting
061112 -- wondering if that's your real hair. - And this is Ted. He gave his two-weeks' notice last week. - And I like to keep my eyes closed the entire time because of my allergies. Go.
061113 -- Return Of Topper Then we started taking RPG fire from a rooftop. That's nothing. - I strangled 900 insurgents with my bare hands. - That seems unlikely. That's what the first 600 said.
061114 -- Topper My first baby weighed 11 pounds. That's nothing. - I once passed a kidney stone that was the size of a small horse. - I find that hard to believe. That kidney stone went on to win the Kentucky Derby!
061115 -- They're filming a movie downtown. I just saw Brad Pitt! That's nothing. - I once used too much fake tanning spray and the next thing I knew, Brad and Angelina adopted me. - You're saying Angelina Jolie is your mom? Until I talked her out of
061115 -- bottle feeding.
061116 -- Tina, you were only supposed to document our project status, not to rewrite the entire scope. - Our CEO loves the new project scope. We'll expect you to do that without extra resources. - Is this a "neener-neener" situation or more of a "Who's
061116 -- your Daddy?"?
061117 -- Our project scope has vastly expanded, so we'll all need to pull together as a team. - Is it too late for me to bail out before this project becomes a blight on my career? - I already put the team photo on our coffee cups. GAAA!!!
061118 -- You haven't given me enough resources to do my project. - That's because your project isn't important neither are you. - This took an ugly turn. Would you mind not exhaling so much in my coffee?
061119 -- First Date Do you feel like doing some conversation? - Okay. I love talking. - Do you like politics? No. - Science an technology? Not really. - War? No. Sports? No. Current Events? No. - What's left? I like to talk about my hair. - Um...okay,
061119 -- we can try that. - This brown is a browner brown than I wanted? Right. Are we done with hair?
061120 -- I don't like to judge people by their looks, but I'm going to make an exception for you. - Something tells me that you and I will be butting heads. - I have a degree in marketing. Why aren't your lips moving?
061121 -- Does marketing have any data on customer preferences? - ERR GRUNT! - This is disturbing on so many levels.
061122 -- What happens if I add the lies from marketing to my boss's assumptions...than factor in some reality? - KABOOM! - Stupid reality.
061123 -- Dilbert, meet Albert. He's old, but I like to call him experienced. - I'm trying to win an award for being one of the best places to work if you have one foot in the grave. - I'm only 54. I ran a marathon yesterday. I asked the cafeteria to
061123 -- stock up  on food that's easy to gum.
061124 -- Asok, this is Albert. He's old but we need to call him mature. - Explain to him what the computers are, but don't let him touch anything. The elderly like to fiddle. - I was a chip designer in my last job. Really? Chocolate or poker?
061125 -- When I was a kid, we didn't have any cell phones, iPods, video games or computers. - I played outside. My only toy was tree bark. - Were you raised by squirrels? No, I'm just mature.
061126 -- Our company has decided to try something new. Six Sigma - New? Six Sigma was developed in the 80s. - It's new to us. - Why don't we jump on a fad that hasn't already been widely discredited? - That way the false hope might sustain us. - There's
061126 -- nothing wrong with Six Sigma. All it does is reduce defects! - Let's see...Fortune Magazine says...blah, blah...most companies that used Six Sigma have trailed the S&P 500. - Sorry I'm late. What did I miss while I was innovating?
061127 -- Did you tell Asok to get our client a "little bit pregnant"? Yes. - Well, he doesn't understand all of our American sayings. - I don't know what this is all about, but I'm in.
061128 -- I've been trying for six months to solve this engineering problem. It might be impossible. - Just turn it sideways and it will fit perfectly. - Okay...now I have to kill you.
061129 -- We might need to restate our earnings. - It turns out that we're not allowed to make up numbers. - Did you know that "frillion" isn't an actual number?
061130 -- Today the company restated its earnings from "a few frillion" to "a loss of 1.3 billion." - This would be humiliating if I had any friends. - Your strategy of being unattractive is paying off. I'm ugly like a fox.
061201 -- ...and I work there as an engineer. - Go away. I lost $3,000 when your company restated its earnings. - Tonight I was rejected for corporate malfeasance. I'll add it to the list.
061202 -- Our CEO is here to answer questions any of your about our restatement of earnings. - Will you return your $25,000,000 bonus from last year, mow that you acknowledge it was unearned? - And what's your name? Dilbert.
061203 -- Alice, you need to use up your vacation days before the end of the year. - You told me I had to finish my project before the and of the year. - I have 19 vacation days to use and there are 19 work days left in the year. - That leaves zero days
061203 -- to do 19 days worth of work. - You could work on weekends and use weekdays for vacation. - WHY THE *%*!# WOULD I DO THAT?!! - Because vacations reduce your stress. Duh. - You'd think that would be obvious. AAIEEE!!! PUNCH!!!
061204 -- It's stressful to be a contract employee. I only get paid for the hours I work. - I can't enjoy my time off because it feels as if it costs me a fortune! - Do you know what I mean? Yeah, I had a feeling once.
061205 -- Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources Every Absence counts as one "occurrence" whether it is one day or more. - I just got a headache. I'll se you in a year. Or as I like to call it, one occurrence. - If something is worth having, it's worth
061205 -- abusing.
061206 -- Hey, is that a new candy dish? Yes, it is. - GET YOUR HAND AWAY FROM MY #!%** CANDY! - I love the new candy dish.
061207 -- You work in a cubicle while your routers and servers have a private office with their own climate control. - The machines have taken over. Your job is to provide them with electricity. - And do you think those electronic voting machines care
061207 -- about your opinion?
061208 -- Carl quit. He's the only one who knows how to program the legacy system. - It can't be that hard. Go figure it out. - Frack.
061209 -- I found a family of squirrels living inside our legacy system. - They control our payroll database. They're making demands. - Leave the acorns and no one will get their deductions increased.
061210 -- This is Dogbert's Tech Support. How may I abuse you? - I get an error message every time I open an application. - Try giving me all of your personal information and then checking into rehab. - Then I'll have someone steal your identity and move
061210 -- in with your wife. - There's a good chance that the new guy will know how to fix your computer. - When you get out of rehab, talk your wife into taking you back. - Then never touch your computer again because it hurts the ones you love. - How's
061210 -- work? Everyone wants to talk to my supervisor.
061211 -- I need your comments on this before I submit it. - Just leave it here and hope I become the sort of boss who gets around to doing that sort of thing. - Did someone tell you that hope works?
061212 -- Flashback: Indian Institute Of Technology - Your telekinesis grades are very good, young Asok. - Always remember that you may not use your powers in front of the ungifted. - Present Day What the...? I just blinked and the last doughnut
061212 -- disappeared!
061213 -- I worked on my own time to invent a room-temperature superconductor that could eliminate our need for oil. - You were supposed to be finding a new vendor for toner cartridges. What happened to that? - Must...not use...telekinesis... Why does my
061213 -- necktie seem so...ERK!!!
061214 -- And the point of my presentation is that these titanium tubes will... - BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM!!! - It's for you.
061215 -- The director of Marketing need an engineering resource. - I'm giving you to him because I hate his stupid guts. - What did I do to deserve this? Sorry I'm late. I had to drown a burrito.
061216 -- Wally, if I give you an assignment, what are the odds that you will actually do it right? - If I put my mind to a task, I do it well. - Will you put your mind to it? Wow. Good follow-up question.
061217 -- You missed the meeting. What meeting? - The budget meeting that you told me to schedule. - You never told me when it was. - I sent you an E-Mail. - Well, obviously you choose an uninteresting subject line. - Otherwise I would have opened it. -
061217 -- You're a bad E-Mail sender. - I also told you in person. Boringly?
061218 -- I got your overly brief E-Mail, which obviously means you hate me and everything I stand for! - I was in a hurry and didn't want to make you wait for a replay. - Well, okay, but I still have a residual hatred that I'll need to transfer to some
061218 -- other aspect of your personality. Fair enough.
061219 -- Tina seems mad at you. What's that about? - She thought I did something rude, but when she found out I didn't, she still had residual anger. - I wonder what it's like to have squirrels living in your skull.
061220 -- Bob, The Unluckiest Insurance Agent. You're making a good decision. - GAAAK! -
061221 -- Bob, The Unluckiest Insurance Agent. Our hazard coverage is second to none! - - Don't flee down the stairwell. The steps are made of asbestos.
061222 -- There's an article in the paper about that guy you voted for. - He's having an affair with a squirrel. - Want to talk politics? Shut up.
061223 -- I heard that the guy you voted for just confessed to having an affair with a squirrel. - Shut up. The guy you voted for is being sued for choking his secretary. - In some countries they don't get a choice of who to vote for. I feel sorry for
061223 -- them.
061224 -- I'll be right back after I return these dishes to the cafeteria. Whoa, whoa! - Winners don't return dishes to the cafeteria. - Then how do the dishes get back? - You must use your powers of low standards. - Just place the dishes on the floor
061224 -- and wait for a loser with high standards. - Gaaa! Dishes on the floor! - Once again I have to clean up after slobs! - It is like a miracle. Now ask her to bring you back a yogurt.
061225 -- I found a way to save a million dollars by spending only $10,000. - The $10,000 would come out of my budget but the savings would go into someone else's budget. It's not feasible. - Our stockholders might disagree. That's why they aren't
061225 -- invited to meetings.
061226 -- We don't pay enough to attract qualified employees. - No problem. I'll hire unqualified people with good attitudes to train them. - Dilbert, when you get a second, train this guy. Yay!
061227 -- All attempts to train you have failed. - But I don't want to fire you because there's a hiring freeze and I can't backfill. - So I've decided to scale back your responsibilities. Where do you want these?
061228 -- Vlad is here to tell us why it's so important to donate blood. - Blood is totally delicious and I'm too lazy to bite necks. - You're not with the red cross, are you. - Competition is healthy too.
061229 -- Is it true that you allowed a vampire to run the blood drive? - Yes, and it takes a big man to admit he's wrong. - You admit you were wrong? I decided to loose weight instead.
061230 -- Women know all about diets. Which one should I use? - Should I go with the one that makes me miserable and doesn't work, or the one that might kill me? - If you do both, I won't ask for anything on National Secretary's Day.
061231 -- I'll ask the vendor for ballpark prices to see if the idea is feasible. - You can't talk with vendors until our change control board approves the project. - But that would require a cost-benefit analysis. - And I can't do that without ballpark
061231 -- prices from the vendor. - Just take your best guess. - So...I should make up a number so I can get approval to make a phone call and ask what the number should have been? - Right. But first you need to get my approval to do the cost-benefit
061231 -- analysis. - Will you approve it? I'd have to see the numbers.
070101 -- Our meat and potatoes is knowing how to sandwich in our product without causing the other vendors to beef. - We'll get our just desserts when they drink the kool-aid. Then we can have our cake and eat it too. - Are you on a diet? Shut your pie
070101 -- hole.
070102 -- I should warn you that I'm on a diet and might not have the sharp focus that you've come to expect from me. - HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA - I thought of something funny totally on my own.
070103 -- How's your diet coming along? - MM-GUWUNG-MMGUH-MUH - It's hard to pick the one best doughnut I've ever had, but this one is on my top five.
070104 -- My doctor says it will be easier if I diet with a buddy. Do you want in on this? - Good lord. I think I just developed an eating disorder! - They say the first 20 pounds are the easiest. NOT HELPING!
070105 -- My diet is making me too hungry to listen. I hope that doesn't affect the quality of my decisions. - Amortize the depreciation over the bandwidth of the discount rate. - Don't ask him for anything today. I brought am emergency hoagie.
070106 -- Dogbert: Diet Guru Try stuffing fewer groceries down your maw. - I was hoping you'd give me motivation. - Stop eating or I'll kill you. Would I get a last meal?
070107 -- Tina, I need you to edit this before I send it out. - Sure. I could use a good laugh. - Let's start with the words that aren't words. - Incentinemt...robustify...flexitate...and leadershipping. - I'll take those out and see what's left. - "If
070107 -- you're not onboard with quality excellence, you're underboard." - WA-HA-HA HA-HA-HA HA!!! - Why do I even bother trying to moralify these people.
070108 -- I'm making you a sales engineer. You'll be paid on commission. - When our sales reps lie, it will be your job to make it look like the truth. - Try to avoid facts.
070109 -- Sales Engineer Your sales rep told us that the product heals itself. Is that true? - It's totally true...that he said that. - Let me ask this another way... NOOO!!! ONE WAY PER QUESTION!
070110 -- I'm a sales support engineer now. Can you teach me to be a good liar? - Sure. Meet me on the porch, and don't wear a coat; The cold will help the learning. - The first lesson is always the cruelest.
070111 -- Sales Engineer I did the hard part of making the sale. All you have to do is install it. - I might have promised them a few extra features. -Did you bring your own massage table or should I just get naked an sprawl on a desk?
070112 -- Your network product appears to be a shoebox full of twigs and leaves. - Ho ho! Just wait until my engineer does his magic and integrates it with you network! - Make it look like another vendor's fault.
070113 -- Sales Engineer I've successfully integrated our product with your network. - It might look as if all I did was run a CAT5 cable through a shoebox full of twigs and leaves. - Is that all you did? A CAT6 cable would be overkill.
070114 -- Did you set up my pre-meeting for Wednesday? - Yes. It's on Thursday. - You scheduled my pre-meeting for the day after the meeting? - That was the only day everyone could make it. - There's no point in having a pre-meeting after the actual
070114 -- meeting. - Sure there is. You can talk about how much better the meeting would have been if you had been prepared. - Here comes the pointy-haired boss. You'd better scurry away before he gives you more work. - There's a fine line between evil
070114 -- and underpaid.
070115 -- - TRA-LA-LA LA-LA-LA-LA!!! - Why do I need a reason?
070116 -- Every week I order sugared doughnuts online and every week they deliver plain doughnuts. - Those aren't plain. Ratbert licks the sugar off of them when they arrive. - I work in a cubicle. I can get used to this too.
070117 -- Dogbert's Password Recovery Service For Morons I don't remember my password. - Is it "123"? - That's just spooky.
070118 -- Dogbert's Password Recovery Service For Morons I done forgot my password. What's your name? - My name is Ned, i think. Is your password "Ned"? - Sweet baby jeepers, you're like some sort of Nostrildogmas! Here's a brochure for my cult.
070119 -- Carol, schedule a staff meeting. What's the topic? - I plan to use Six Sigma with lean methods to eliminate the gap between our strategy and our objectives. - I'll just say "waste of time."
070120 -- We need to find a way to close the gap between our strategy and our capabilities. - Why don't we just pretend we're good at something and call it our strategy. - Sorry...didn't mean to jump ahead.
070121 -- From now on, all travel must be booked through the corporate travel web site. - Our travel web site is terrible. - It only lets you book the cheapest flight, and that's always on Elbonian Airlines. - Don't be such a snob. What's wrong with
070121 -- using a discount airline? - Well, they list their destination airports as "whatever looks soft." - The meals in first class are made of anyone who dies in coach. - Their entire security screening process involved shouting at each passenger
070121 -- "Are you Osama Bin Laden?!!!! - And once I saw a baggage handler wearing my dress. Whiner.
070122 -- Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources I am a scientist from the planet Zorp. I bring you technologies beyond your imagination. - All I ask is that you let me work with your engineers to transfer this knowledge. - They think "work" means
070122 -- sitting in a fabric-covered container.
070123 -- I am an alien with highly advanced intelligence. I have come to share my genius with this company. - Me too. But they don't like that sort of thing here. It's a quagmire.
070124 -- I came to this company to bring the technology of my advanced culture to you simpletons. - Has anyone ever told you that your snout is like the handle of a gavel? A what? - How's the new guy working out? ORDER IN THE COURT! BAM BAM BAM
070125 -- I came from a distant planet to bring you advanced technology, but no one here will listen! - I am a superior being, you moron! Listen to what I tell you and then do it! - I fired him before he started yammering about Linux. Easy come, easy go.
070126 -- Can you come to a meeting right now? No, it's almost lunch time. - If I miss lunch, my day will be 12 hours of uninterrupted misery. I will envy the dead. - That's stupid. The dead don't eat lunch either.
070127 -- Asok, your assignment is to buy a display case for our awards. - Then go to the awards store and buy a bunch of awards because we don't have any. - The next one is for "best unethical filling of an awards showcase."
070128 -- I enjoyed meeting your staff. Keep up the good work. - This isn't my staff. I report to the guy who reports to you. - Really? Which one of you reports to me? - - Well, that explains why you keep hanging around outside my office. - I've been
070128 -- going to your office for years, waiting for you to get off the phone so I could talk to you. - I've been making fake phone calls for years, hoping the weirdo outside my office would go away. - Keep up the good work.
070129 -- Dogbert Consults Your problem is that you have too many losers on the payroll. - Luckily I have developed a foolproof DNA test for identifying losers. - Well, I'm afraid your DNA doesn't match mine, loser.
070130 -- I analyzed the DNA of all of your applicants to find the best fit for the job. - The most qualified applicant who is willing to work for you has three ears, a snout, and a life expectancy of Thursday. - Dilbert, meet the new guy. And do it
070130 -- quickly. cough cough
070131 -- Our new philosophy is "a bias for action." - Are we eliminating our six-sigma program, the budget cycle, ISO certification, and our approval processes? - Can I get back to you on that? Sure. No rush.
070201 -- My day will start out great if I can make it to the cubicle without human contact. - AAYI-YI-YI-YI! - I hope that was the sound of teamwork.
Why did you add this button the the user interface? You told me to. - Why would I tell you that` You always suggest random changes to create the illusion of adding value. - Well, remove that button. It's only on your copy.
070203 -- There's a job opening for an engineer in research and development! - It's a chance to escape the mismanaged futility of my current job and live the dream! - Hey, there's an opening for a new manager of research and development!
070204 -- I'd like to kick off the project by assigning blame for its eventual failure. - Shouldn't we do this after the project is over? - I see no reason to wait. - Well...okay. - Our boss will make us use the wrong vendor. - Wally won't do any work.
070204 -- Alice will alienate the client, and Ted is generally worthless. - In summary, my excellent work will be rendered moot by nincompoops. - Do you even work here? NO, I was just in the neighborhood.
070205 -- Do you mind if I apply for the opening in R&D? Hey, I just applied for the manager job there. - Um...maybe I'll wait. T make sure I'll be your boss? - Ooo-kay... This must be what bonding feels like.
070206 -- Congratulations on 20 years of service. Here's a pen with the company's logo. - I have one just like it. At least I think this one is mine. I might have gotten them mixed up. - Which one looks like it spent the least time in my ear?
070207 -- You said to tell you if marketing wasn't cooperating. - You can't come running to me with every little problem. Go fix it. - Then why did you tell me to tell you?! It's just something I say.
070208 -- Wally, what are your goals for the coming year? - My goal is to replace my soul with coffee and become immortal. - I mean something about work. Oh, I thought you said *my* goals.
070209 -- I wrote out my goals for the coming year. - I set them higher than I can achieve because our boss said it's good to have stretch goals. - Well, more for us.
070210 -- I'm concerned that you might be low-balling your goals for the coming year. - For example, this one says you will "decompose in your chair." - That sounds easy. Not really. Half of the time I'm in a different chair.
070211 -- Our travel budget is shot. - We'll take money out of the training budget. - We need training to support our new product. - We'll use the software budget for training. - We need to do a mandatory software upgrade. - Fine. Move some money from
070211 -- the travel budget to the software budget. - Geez, you people do nothing but complain. Meanwhile I'm managing my brains out. - I wondered what happened to them. Happened to what?
070212 -- He is totally violating my personal space with his non-standard facial hair. Then I said... - HA! HA! HA! HA! Gaaa!!! His warm, moist breath is all over me! - Pleas stop touching my brain with your nose.
070213 -- He was violating my personal space and his head got stuck in my ear. - You need a huge yawn to open the ear canal so he can get out. - Yes, I do have lots of pictures of my porcelain frog collection. Why do you ask?
070214 -- Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources Employee appreciation day is next Tuesday. The cover charge is $25 apiece. - How do we know you won't buy cheap hot dogs and pocket the rest of your money? - Every day it gets harder to appreciate you.
070214 -- gulp gulp gulp
070215 -- How's your project coming along? It's a steaming pile of failure. - It's like fifteen drunken monkeys with a jigsaw puzzle. - How's your project coming along? Fine.
070216 -- Who needs a little management help on their project? - - You could almost feel the teamwork in the air.
070217 -- Alice, I have some good ideas about your project. GAAA! WHY ME? - WHY MUST I SUFFER YOUR IDEAS? WHY, WHY, WHY?! - You're not a good listener. SHOOT ME! SHOOT ME! SHOOT ME!
070218 -- Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources The new company health plan is Google. - From now on, employees must google to diagnose their own illnesses. - For example, this guy has a growth on his neck. I do? - A quick search on my Blackberry
070218 -- tells me it's... - WHAT IS IT? Ooh. Wow. - A pregnant termite crawled into your mouth and built a hive in your esophagus. - GAAA!!! Stop being a baby. The treatment for this is... - Do you have an arc welder and a barrel of kerosene?
070219 -- I hired the Dogbert Public Relations Firm to get us some free publicity. - I've already told the media that your products are deadly and we're voluntarily recalling everything. - But...they aren't deadly. Hey, I don't tell *you* how to be fat.
070219 -- *snork
070220 -- Dogbert Does Public Relations Our products are made by asthmatic dwarves. You should do a story on that. - Not enough? Okay, what if the dwarves are also polygamous serial killers? - When you talk to the reporter, try to slouch, wheeze, and act
070220 -- henpecked to the point of homicide.
070221 -- Dogbert Does Public Relations You can't get free publicity simply by doing something better. - You have to do something in a way that has never been done. - It's a Sir Richard Branson sort of thing. You wouldn't understand.
070222 -- I hope you don't expect me to write a favorable article about your company just because you bought me drinks. - No, I expect you to publish my press release and act like you wrote it. - You can work or you can get drunk, but the pay is exactly
070222 -- the same.
070223 -- Thanks to my P.R. campaign, your stock price is grossly over-inflated. - Now you can use your stock to buy companies that actually make money. - After you manage those companies into the toilet, give me a jingle.
070224 -- Someone left a dead horse in the hall. - I am going to punch that dead horse until it gallops away. - punch punch punch punch You were right. But where did you find a dead horse? There's a store for everything.
070225 -- You'll be in charge of this project. - What's my budget? I'll need to approve all expenses. - Who will report to me? - Your team will report to me and I'll tell them what to do. - So I'll start on the project plan. Um... - Skip that part. I
070225 -- already have a plan in my head. - Hypothetically, who would take the blame if this project failed? - Well, you're in charge...
070226 -- The facilities people tell me there's asbestos in the ceiling. - They say you don't need to worry about it unless it gets disturbed. - They plan to disturb it today.
070227 -- The employees are getting all whiney about the asbestos in the ceiling. - I told them it wasn't dangerous, but apparently I'm not credible in this hazmat suit. - I don't think it's fair that they judge me by my clothes.
070228 -- They found asbestos in our ceiling. We're all in danger. - I must use my telekinesis to remove the asbestos. GAAA! - The threat has been neutralized. You must never ask me how it was done. I'm not even curious.
070301 -- Do your estimates include tax and shipping? Relax, relax, calm down. - There's no need to get all nuts about the tax and shipping. It's under control. Take a deep breath. - Um...All I asked was...Gaaa! You're totally losing it now!
070302 -- Dilbert totally flipped out when I showed him the cost estimates. - Really? Or is this one of those cases where someone acts normally and you unexplicably tell the world that they totally flipped out? - Whoa! Don't flip out. I wonder if I can
070302 -- punch her sane.
070303 -- Alice, you've been accused of punching a crazy co-worker. - In my defense, it did make her less crazy. - I know. Here's a list of additional crazy employees I'd like you to punch.
070304 -- May I see the vacation schedule? - Why do you want it? No reason. - Well, Ted, I hope you're enjoying your vacation. - Wally, do you have the cost estimates? I'm waiting for Ted's input. He's on vacation. - How about the revised timeline? I'm
070304 -- waiting for Ted. - Do you need any office supplies? I'm going to the store. Maybe some pens. - Limited selection but excellent prices. - Thanks. So, I understand you have a vacation next week.
070305 -- Have you signed Ted's Get Well card yet? - Don't leave that here. Ted passed away two weeks ago. How long have you had the card on your desktop? - Have you signed Ted's Get Well card yet? Put it on the pile.
070306 -- I spent this entire week unscrewing the problems created by your ambiguous communication. - Next week I hope to unscrew the problems created by your hiring of morons. - Moving on, I've made some changes to the budget. There goes April.
070307 -- Wally, too many people are asking me for things. How can I set priorities? - Wait until everyone is yelling at you and then help whoever makes the scariest threat on any given day. - Is that what you do? No, I tell people to go ask you.
070308 -- Wally, did you finish the detailed analysis? No, I'm more of a big picture kind of guy. - Why didn't you tell me that a week ago when I asked? I don't like to disappoint people. - What the %$%! do you think I am *now*?! - Hey, I think I'm
070308 -- starting to like disappointing people!
070309 -- I disappoint people, but I'm learning to enjoy it. - The key to happiness is to love who you are, not who others want you to be. - Doesn't that make you a sociopath? Yeah. I love that about me.
070310 -- Dogbert's Speakers Bureau What topic would you be speaking about? - I would speak about the folly of trying to satisfy other people's unreasonable expectations. - Would you show up on time? No. I doubt I would even prepare a speech.
070311 -- Every company needs goals. ***GOALS*** - We have division goals, department goals, district goals and affiliate goals. - You will all attend a four-hour training session on how to write goals. - Every week you will report on how you are doing
070311 -- compared to your goals. - Those reports will be entered into a giant database. - Won't the size and complexity of the database make it impossible to know what's really happening? - Yes. That's why your raises will be based on what you look
070311 -- like. - Bummer for you.
070312 -- Dogbert's Speakers Bureau I booked you to do the keynote speech for a big company. - They need a speaker who is so boring and uninspiring that their CEO's humorous skit seems less soul-crushing. - How large is the audience? 1,500 victims.
070313 -- Wally's Keynote Speech The source of all unhappiness is other people. - The sooner you learn to think of other peoples as noisy furniture, the sooner you will be happy. - That's the stupidest advice I've ever heard! Hey, it's a talking ottoman!
070313 -- Hee-hee!
070314 -- Financial Advisor You've made a lot of money as a demotivational speaker. - I recommend allocating 2% of it to me, and 98% to things that sound good if you don't look into them too closely. - How about a managed stock fund with high churn and a
070314 -- big front-end load? Sounds good.
070315 -- Thanks to my outside income, I didn't feel any pressure to work this week. - So I spent my time drawing pictures of you in funny positions. - I might be losing my firm grip on things. Not according to this picture.
070316 -- We have a squatter problem. - We must make our empty cubicles appear occupied or else we'll lose them to other departments. - When we're done hosing our own company, can we start hosing the competition? Our customers are next.
070317 -- Did you finish the technical evaluation? First draft. - Um...this says nothing but literally "blah, blah, blah." - I like to nail the spacing first.
070318 -- Some batteries in the lab leaked. - I cleaned it up, but there was no place to put all of the hazardous waste. - I couldn't put it in the regular trash or the recycling bin. - It's not legal to pour it down the drain or flush it. - So I put it
070318 -- between two pieces of bread and left it in the break room refrigerator. - GAAA!!! - Not really. I just wanted to find out who's been eating my lunch. - You mean I'm not going to die? Not instantly.
070319 -- Did you know that loneliness can't be cured by listening to others? - You can only feel alive and whole when others are listening to *you*. - What do you think of that? Think of what?
070320 -- I have finished my projects. What's next? Make a spreadsheet and track something. - Track what? I think you'll find that it doesn't matter. -
070321 -- In order to boost productivity, the company has decided that employees can not use E-Mail on Fridays. - What if my highest priorities require E-Mail? Should I waste my day doing worthless stuff? - Geez, somehow you made a great idea seem
070321 -- ridiculous. Yeah, that's all me.
070322 -- How can I achieve my full potential? You already have. - What? Seriously. You already peaked. - I came to human resources for some guidance. That's what tipped me off.
070323 -- Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources I'd like to discuss my career plan. - The plan is that we'll keep you around until we find a starving Elbonian to do your job for less. - In other words, blah, blah, maybe someday you will get a
070323 -- promotion.
070324 -- Everything you do is different from the way I would do it. - That's how I know you're doing everything wrong. - I wouldn't be making that face.
070325 -- And now for another round of E-Mail judo. - Let's see...this guy wants me to attend a meeting. - Eee-yah! I'll tell him I'm booked. - This guy wants some information. - Ee-yah! I'll tell him my hard drive crashed. - This idiot wants my input on
070325 -- his document. - Eee-yah! I'll tell him the attachment won't open. - Who's winning today? Not the people who sent me E-Mail Eee-yah!.
070326 -- Hi, I'm Jeff, the human ashtray. - I like to lean in real close to people so they can enjoy my aroma! - OW! OW! OW! Sounds like someone is getting his ash kicked.
070327 -- Jeff, The Human Ashtray Watch out for that hole in the ground! - That's not a hole. It's just a dark spot on the floor from some of your ash falling there. Oh. - I can't tell the difference between my ash and a hole in the ground. Dilbert, did
070327 -- you meet your new boss?
070328 -- Just because my head is an ashtray, that doesn't mean I can't be a good manager. - Ask me any question and I will show you my managerial talent. - The answer is six bags of potatoes! May I ask the question first?
070329 -- There's more to being a manager than just having an ashtray for a head. There is? - Yes, and I am doing a lot of research to find out what those other things are. - Later, at the library Cat Fancy This is good stuff.
070330 -- When you're done researching new technology, I want you to inventory our furniture. - When do you think you'll be done? When will you forget you asked me, and assign the furniture project to someone else? - Two weeks. I'll be done in 15 days.
070331 -- I don't understand what your department does, so I decided to eliminate it. - What if I explain what we do? Would you change your mind? - I see you're not a big fan of decisiveness.
070401 -- Do you have a minute? No. I'm busy. - When would be a good time for me to come back? - Come back when I'm not busy. - Aren't you always busy? Heck, no. - Sometimes I'm in between doing one thing and doing another thing. - When will that happen?
070401 -- It's unpredictable. - Ask Carol, to call you when I'm not busy. - Carol, would you... I'M BUSY!
070402 -- Our CEO wants to eliminate the department because he doesn't know what we do. - I need someone to tell me what we do so I can tell him. - We explain things to morons. Should I be writing this down?
070403 -- Asok, I need you to create a Powerpoint presentation that will save our department from being eliminated. - You must quantify the unquantifiable. And that can only be done by a process called lying. - Lying is a process? It can be, if you use
070403 -- enough slides.
070404 -- I need to quantify the benefits of our department. Any ideas? - I recommend dishonesty. - Would that work? It made me the man I am today.
070405 -- I have the ability to quantify the unquantifiable. - That is why they call me Dogbert The Quantifier. - Who calls you that? Eight people.
070406 -- Dogbert The Quantifier How can I quantify the benefits of my department? - Try making absurd claims of value while hoping that no one asks questions. - Does that work? I hope so. Here's my invoice.
070407 -- Art Department I am Dogbert, The Quantifier Of Unquantifiable Things. - I declare you to be worth $85. - No one likes to be quantified. *#!**%*!
070408 -- If I invented something that would give me unlimited power... - ...would you kill me in my sleep so you could steal it? - Of course not. - Good. - I mean, why would I wait until you were asleep? - That's just burning daylight. - In fact. I'm
070408 -- thinking of killing you right now just in case you already invented it and you're trying to decide whether you should tell me. - It was a hypothetical question. Maybe, but it's not a chance I'm willing  to take.
070409 -- Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources I hired two people to work on your project. - One is a mumbler and the other one is hard of hearing but doesn't know it. - Mmmm, afterglow.
070410 -- - Your success diminishes me. -
070411 -- E-Mail me with your comments on the design. Can't I just tell you my comments now? - I need it in writing because you're a huge liar and You'll change your story later. - And I might punch you for not shaving the back of your neck. Well then,
070411 -- E-Mail it is.
070412 -- I never reviewed the design. Yes you did. Here's a copy of your E-Mail. - This is hardly conclusive. Did you get any DNA evidence? - What was all that screaming? A had to collect some DNA.
070413 -- I don't understand why technical writers get paid less than engineers. - If you were capable of understanding that sort of thing, you'd be an engineer. - This took an ugly turn. And your dress looks like a tube sock with aspirations.
070414 -- You wrote last year's date on this report. Ha ha! Swift. - I enjoy pointing out your mistakes because it makes me feel better about myself. - I wrote this last year. This will go faster if you say you didn't.
070415 -- Company Lawyer I did a trademark search on all of the excellent product names you suggested. - Every one of them is taken. - So I did a search on the names that weren't so great. - Those are taken too. - Then I checked on the names iCrud,
070415 -- iPuke, Eatdirtanddie, and Defectiveproduct. - All Taken. - So our new product name will be a combination of grunts and shrieks. - Like this? Grrrreeeyyaaa? That one is taken. Ours sounds more like a monkey passing a kidney stone.
070416 -- I spent my entire day planning and scheduling future work, and no time doing work. - Tomorrow I plan to spend the entire day explaining why I didn't have time to do work. - It hurts less if you call it a plan. What happens if you call it your
070416 -- purpose?
070417 -- According to my Soul-O-Meter, you still have 1% of your soul. - I'll give you a doughnut for it. Sold. - It's funny how quickly a good day can become a great day.
070418 -- Stop right there. I'm detecting a glimmer of hope. - I was hoping I would be appreciated for my hard work. - False hope is okay. Carry on.
070419 -- My Soul-O-Meter is picking up a reincarnated soul. It looks like you have had several previous lives. - I'll cauterize your head so your soul stays in your dead body next time. zzzt!!! - Because I can.
070420 -- This product will leapfrog the iPod and provide pleasure to all five of your senses. - The user can download pictures, smells, tastes, and celebrity tickling patterns. - The test group preferred it over eating. They're all dead. It has the
070420 -- coolness factor.
070421 -- Don't feel bad if you only got a 3% raise; I only got 2% myself. - Can we feel bad that 2% of *your* pay is bigger than 3% of *our* pay? - Don't get all mathy on me.
070422 -- We're planning to outsource half of the department. - You can't tell anyone. - Is it true that half of the department will be outsourced? - Before you answer, I should tell you that I've made a list... - ...of all the responses that mean the
070422 -- same as yes. - For example, if you say, "ignore the rumors," that means yes. - Also on the list are, "why do you ask" and, "who told you that?" - That list is stupid. Gaaa!!! That's number 8 on my list!!!
070423 -- Phew. This has been a long meeting. Does anyone have any other issues? I... - PUNCH - We have a motion to adjourn.
070424 -- You have bad case of chair buttocks. - You can still live a normal life. - Assuming it's normal for people to point and laugh at you.
070425 -- This is the posterior of a healthy, unemployed woman. - Prolonged exposure to employment will create more of a box shape. - I'd offer you a lollipop, but it would only make things worse.
070426 -- Tina The Tech Writer I'm starting my own blog! Dear god, no! - Every day I will record my personal thoughts about our business. - I need you to write the first one by noon. I can't wait to see what I'm thinking.
070427 -- This blog post you wrote for me isn't witty enough. - Try it again, but make it sound like Mark Twain. - "I reckon you'd be hankerin' for some quality. 'taint happein' but it orter."
070428 -- Your blog has become an embarrassment to the company. - You have failed me. Now you must pay the price. - snap Oh, crud. I need you to call the facilities department for me...and come back tomorrow.
070429 -- We're going to take a page from the automakers' playbooks. - Automakers prove their design skills by creating concept cars that will never go in production. - Then they prove their management skills by producing cars that are less attractive
070429 -- than corrective underpants. - Tomorrow we're holding a press conference to show the world our own concept product. - Our concept product can stop global warming and wax your back at the same time. - Can it actually do those things? Why do you
070429 -- care? - So...actually it's just a huge waste of time. - You might have a mighty low opinion of news.
070430 -- You might hear some noise from the basement tonight. - I got a big order for running shoes, so I'm making Elbonians work around the clock. - Here's some pepper spray in case any of them escape.
070501 -- Please help me. Your dog has enslaved my people in your basement and forced us to make running shoes! - PSSST GAAA!!! MY EYES!!! - I like to help people, but I also like inexpensive footwear.
070502 -- We have a report of a cartoonist in cubicle 45950. His comics may embarrass the company. - We can't fire him because it would look bad. You must give him absurd assignments until he quits. - Your new job is to evaluate technology that obviously
070502 -- has no economical application. Woo hoo!
070503 -- I heard that you started a comic strip on the side. - You're in my seat, fly bait. Move or I'll pound your head so hard you'll have to remove your pants to read. - Did I miss anything about teamwork? Where do you get your ideas?
070504 -- You can't have a side job of drawing a comic strip about the workplace. - I should fire you for mocking the management of this company in newspapers. - Because then I'd mock you less?
070505 -- My side job as cartoonist is doing well, so this is my resignation. - My new career involves sitting around in my pajamas and thinking of ways to ridicule you. - Actually, it's not so much a letter of resignation as it is a drawing of your
070505 -- body with a manure head.
070506 -- Can I ask you a question? Sure, new guy. - How long do I need to work here before... - ...the dark cloud of hopelessness and despair begins to lift? - I keep expecting the feeling to go away any minute. - I was hoping to achieve job
070506 -- satisfaction within a month. - Once that happens, I feel that total self-actualization can't be far behind. - I'd give you another day or two. - Any minute now.
070507 -- "Yes, do that right away." Do what? - Can I ignore E-Mail from people who don't include my original message in their reply? Yes, and you can hate them, too. - 90% of happiness is picking the right ethicist.
070508 -- Why don't you answer my E-Mails? Do I need to complain to your boss? - Your messages have too many topics and no paragraph breaks. They are a violation of all that is good and right about E-Mail. snork  - "Blah, blah, blah, Dilbert is rude..."
070508 -- Geez, I can't even read this mess. click* delete*
070509 -- Wally, you have attended thousands of meetings and never gotten an action item. What is your secret? - When the action items are handed out, I use a certain facial expression to ward them off. - ...and I'll need someone to...
070510 -- This completes my presentation. - Does anyone have a question designed to increase my workload for your entertainment? - How much money would the company save if you did the project by yourself? Hmmm...
070511 -- Dogbert's Tech Support Try turning off your router, your modem, and your computer. - Now turn off your air conditioning, your lights, and your water heater. Unplug your microwave and defrost your refrigerator. - You're very thorough. Cancel
070511 -- your garbage service, renounce your citizenship, and yank out your phone.
070512 -- Dogbert's Tech Support Give me a list of all the software and hardware you're using. - Now sit there like a sheep while I randomly select a product from the list and tell you it's the problem. - What if I know it isn't? - That will matter less
070512 -- than you'd imagine.
070513 -- I asked Disgruntled Doug to work on our pricing model. - The fate of the entire company rests in his tiny hands. - That reminds me: I gave your cubicle to an intern. - But don't worry. I have another workspace for you. - You can use this little
070513 -- cardboard box that the laser printer came in. - It's only temporary. - Until we can find you a larger cardboard box. - I have an urge to underestimate costs.
070514 -- Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources I've worked in a windowless cube for 25 years. Can I move to the vacant cube by the window? Sure. - GAAA!!! IT BURNS! - Too fast.
070515 -- They can take my soul but they can't take my name! - Visa called. Someone stole your identity. - I need a new battle cry. How about "Ouch"?
070516 -- Dogbert Consults You need a dashboard application  to track your key metrics. - That way you'll have more data to ignore when you make your decisions based on company politics. - Will the data be accurate? Okay, let's pretend that matters.
070517 -- I can monitor the company's key metrics from my executive dashboard. - Uh-oh. I need to do a better job of falsifying my data. - Allow me to set the stage for your next assignment by reminding you that stockholders have never done anything for
070517 -- you.
070518 -- Carol, you showed up for work almost every day this week. Here are some "Morale Dollars." - It's not real money, but you can redeem it for gifts and services that you don't want or need. - I also entered you into a raffle that you didn't win.
070518 -- HONK!
070519 -- Ted, I need you to work late every night until we catch up. - You'll also need to work every weekend. - What about my family? They had a good run.
070520 -- Every project you worked on this year got canceled after the reorganization. - It's as if you didn't exist. - That's not entirely true. - For example, I occupied space. - I'd like to see someone who doesn't exist to do that. - A dead person can
070520 -- occupy space. - But a dead person *exists*. - I won the argument, but it was a hollow victory.
070521 -- You have a pattern of raising no objections to plans and later acting as if you opposed them from the start. - I hope to thwart you by asking you to sign off on this plan in writing. - Ooh, if only you had asked me before my hands got stuck in
070521 -- these coffee mugs.
070522 -- Did you get all of the department heads to sign off on our business plan? - No, they prefer to see us fail so they look good in comparison and there's more money in the budget for them. - How can we speed up the process? I'm failing as fast as
070522 -- I can.
070523 -- I had a productive time at the management retreat. - We golfed as hard as we could until we came up with a new vision for the company!!! - But no one wrote it down, so we're going to try again next month.
070524 -- Asok, you need to have more of a winner's mentality. - If I had that sort of thing, why would I work here? - Ideally, we want you to be dumb and optimistic at the same time.
070525 -- I'm so busy it feels as if my head will explode. Ted, one more thing... - KABOOM! - Clean up on aisle three.
070526 -- Dilbert, do you have some time to help me with this technical analysis? - Sure, if you'll go to my house and mow my lawn so this doesn't become a lopsided relationship. - Why must you be so difficult to abuse? Go spit in your socks.
070527 -- The best choice for employee of the month is... - Congratulations to Alice for being our Employee Of The Month! - You get to use my parking spot near the entrance for the rest of the month. - I take public transit to work. - You also get to
070527 -- take the rest of today off. - It's already five o'clock, and you said I need to finish my project by tomorrow morning. - And you get to have pizza with me. I'M ON A #!**% LOW CARB DIET!!! - I nailed it. Pizza
070528 -- I represent the law firm of Dogbert, Dogbert, and more Dogbert. - Your company's web page steals people's cursors and puts them in your own search field. - And my suit is too tight. When you put it all together, I might have to kill you.
070529 -- Today you will wear clothes you don't want to wear. - You'll drive somewhere you don't want to be, and do things you don't want to do. - Have a nice day.
070530 -- Have fun working while I'm home chewing on your computer cables. - I'll probably start with a USB cable appetizer, then do the Ethernet cable with blue cheese dressing. - Then I'm going to warp my colon around some coax. I envy you, and it's
070530 -- disturbing.
070531 -- I got a text message from our boss. - "Keep up work" - What does that mean? You just got your annual performance review.
070601 -- Rebels have threatened to attack our Elbonian factory unless we give them a million dollars. - That's outrageous! Tell them their competition offered to not attack us for half that price. - Negotiations Begin That wouldn't even cover our costs
070601 -- of not attacking!
070602 -- Rebel Negotiations Your price to not attack our Elbonian factory is too high. - We can give you the Senior Citizen Discount. snort - That's just mean. Sorry. I'll switch to more observational humor.
070603 -- CEO Meeting I brought Dilbert in case you have any technical questions. - What's the status of the technology platform migration project? - Be completely hones. We have nothing to hide. - Well, okay. - The project is like a hundred drunken
070603 -- clowns with bees in their underpants. - I expect the decline in morale to lead to violence. - Most of us are only pretending to work while secretly hoping the project gets canceled after you get fired by the board. - It turns out that we did
070603 -- have a few things to hide.
070604 -- I reached an agreement with the rebels so they won't attack our factory in Elbonia. - It's a stock swap. Every time they collect a ransom, the value of our company will increase. - Doesn't that make us terrorists? Very indirectly.
070605 -- I heard your company is funding terrorists. Very indirectly. - And they aren't the bad kind of terrorists. They're more like rebels who sometimes do terrorist things. - How did they brainwash you so fast? Iran supplied them with Powerpoint.
070606 -- The new dress code is a thin film of oil. - We're consolidating offices and we need to fit twenty people in each cubicle. - They've pretty much given up on winning one of those awards for best places to work.
070607 -- Managing is a lot easier now that we've given up on winning one of those "best places to work" awards. - Do you have a minute? Not for losers. - There was a time when I wouldn't have known how to handle that situation.
070608 -- Happy birthday. What's it feel like to be 50? - It's great! I've never felt better in my entire life! - So it's sort of a delusional thing? Yes, luckily.
070609 -- I need this software to do my job. - The software budget is spent. Just share a computer with someone who has this software. - Why don't you take your tiny mittens and a thermometer to hell and wait for a sign that it's your turn.
070610 -- Is your plan consistent with our corporate strategy? - How would I know? - Don't you know our strategy? No. Do you? - Of course I do. It's something about leveraging our platforms. - Does your plan leverage our platforms? - No, but I can rewrite
070610 -- my plan so it seems as if it does. - Good. Go back and do that. - There's no point in having a strategy if you aren't going to pretend to follow it.
070611 -- This week I mapped and gapped the requirements to consolidate everything into a program of work... - ...to maximize synergy capture and optimize our resource utilization. - If any of that sounded like work, I'll do some more of it next week.
070612 -- CEO Visit My meetings go faster when I set the tone. - Opinions are treason. - Do you have any opinions, Doofy?
070613 -- CEO Visit It's important that you have a passion for your job. - For example, my passion involves working you like rented mules so I can afford to purchase luxury items. - I bought a pingpong table with the raise you didn't get.
070614 -- What does my forehead say? - I keep forgetting my password, so I wrote it on my head. - Is your password 123? I just said I don't know.
070615 -- Run a simulation of our productivity if we lost half our workforce to a pandemic. - Should I assume we lose the productive people or the people who ask other people to run pandemic simulations? - Try both ways. Okay. I'm done.
070616 -- Remember to charge your time to the appropriate project code. - Unless your project is unfunded, in which case the time codes won't work and you'll need to falsify your time report. - Are any of our projects funded? This is the embarrassing
070616 -- part.
070617 -- Gaaa! That idiot is whistling in his cube again!!! - I would complain but I don't like confrontation. - I can't talk to his boss because I would appear whiney. - There's only one solution. - Alice, please stop by my cubicle when you get a
070617 -- second. - What's up? Wait. I'll be right back. - STOP WHISTLING, YOU FREAKIN' MORON!!! - What's up? Never mind. I found a work-around.
070618 -- One way to save the planet is to drive a fuel-efficient car. - Another way is to give bad career advice to some idiot so he gets fired and no longer commutes. - You should get a license to sell real estate. Really?
070619 -- Dogbert The Green Consultant Stop eating, breathing, driving, defecating, and procreating. - Sit in the dark and decompose on some garden seeds. - Or do you admit you hate earth? A little.
070620 -- Dogbert The Green Consultant Try ramming your SUV into hybrid cars. - That should stop them from using fuel altogether. - You can't save the earth unless you're willing to make other people sacrifice. I'm in.
070621 -- Dogbert The Green Consultant Your coworkers have identified you as a source of methane. - If we capture this free source of energy we can power a small office building. - I give and I give.
070622 -- Alice, may I ask you a question? Alice? Alice? - Gaaa! Am I so unimportant you feel no need to acknowledge my existence??? - Am I totally unimportant? Hey, it's a bunch of talking clothes!
070623 -- My job is an endless series of mind-numbingly unimportant tasks. - My central nervous system is starting to atrophy. - I'm kind of busy. Punch me in the head so I can feel something.
070624 -- Run this by our attorney. - May i vigorously hit myself with a hammer instead? - You have my attention. - Either way, it's a painful process that won't change the final result. - But the hammer is quicker and it will still make you feel as if
070624 -- you made me do something. - Okay, Try the hammer thing. - BAM! OUCH! BAM! OUCH! BAM! OUCH! - Now run it by our attorney so it feels as if I did TWO things.
070625 -- I hired Nancy because she's had so many personal problems in the past year. - I figure lightning can't strike the same place more than ten or twelve times in a row. - It's not as if she invites problems. I'm in love with a medical school
070625 -- cadaver!
070626 -- Nancy, the Employee With Serial Personal Problems I'm in love with a medical school cadaver. - Do you ever think that maybe your personal problems are caused by your own bad decisions? - How's it my fault that my boyfriend is acting cold?
070627 -- Nancy, the Employee With Serial Personal Problems The doctors say I need an operation. - They think my steady diet of licorice and diet soda turned my spleen into a C-4 explosive. - So I joined a support group. Have you heard of Al Qaeda? Gotta
070627 -- go...
070628 -- Dogbert, Career Counselor Do something with love. - I love not working. - Do you have any loves that are less loserish? I love to watch Bowling!
070629 -- Dogbert, Career Counselor You have no marketable talent. - You're totally unemployable and that's not going to change. - The important thing is to keep a positive attitude.
070630 -- Dogbert, Career Counselor What would you like to do with your degree in...flower arranging? - I'd like to be a billionaire. - Are you willing to work hard? That would sort of defeat the purpose.
070701 -- Wally, did you complete the benchmark tests? No. - slurp - Because? Global warming. - What? - Well, normally this would have been a pleasant week. - But thanks to you and your stupid SUV, it was too hot to work. - Remember, if you're not part
070701 -- of the solution, you're part of the problem. - You work indoors! Said the polluter.
070702 -- Human Resources is a company's most important strategic asset. - That means it's your fault we're losing market share. Maybe you should fire yourself. - Strategic assets don't like accountability.
070703 -- I decided to segment the compensation of different classes of employees. - You'll be in the segment that gets paid the same no matter what you do. - I call your segment the "relatively unimportant" segment. Catchy.
070704 -- Maybe I should invite some friends over for a barbecue. You don't have any friends. - Good point. Maybe I should make some friends first. Exactly. - Do you like meat?
070705 -- I finished planning the annual executive golf tournament. - I put all of the cigar smokers in your foursome in case your golf cart has a gas leak. - Lunch is baked beans and sauerkraut. And I bought you some golf balls made of flint.
070706 -- I'm off to the executive golf tournament. - It just struck me how much contrast there is between your job and mine. Gotta go. - Let me know if anything else strikes you.
070707 -- Give me a sand wedge. - This sandwich is all I have for lunch. You can take my pride but not my sandwich! - I think I'm losing the psychological advantage with my foursome. m-m-m-m chew-chew-chew! hee-hee!!
070708 -- You should hire me as your management consultant. - We're a management consulting firm. We don't need a management consultant to consult us. - Are you saying that management consulting is worthless? - No. I'm saying we already know everything
070708 -- about management consulting. - How can you be so sure I can't help you when you don't know what my advice will be? - - Okay, you're hired. What's your advice? - Beats me. I'll have to ask my management consultant.
070709 -- - - How was the all hands meeting? Creepy.
070710 -- Ted, I'm going to eliminate your function and outsource it to the Dogbert Outsourcing Company. - I need a job. You're hired. - I'M BA-A-ACK!
070711 -- Does anyone here have any knowledge or any authority to make decisions? - I'm only here to listen and misinterpret. - Let's try to build on that.
070712 -- Carol, set up a dinner for all key employees. Which ones are key? - That would be everyone except um...you. - I CURSE YOUR DINNER! I'll bring you some mints...if they have extras.
070713 -- You're not allowed to have internal phone lists on your wall. - There are excellent reasons for this policy, and I hope to someday know what they are. - They're getting suspicious about the random policy generator.
070714 -- Catbert, Evil Director of Human Resources Our new policy is no drinking coffee during work. - That should remove all doubt that our policies are designed for any reason other than evil. - Your honesty is refreshing. STOP RUINING THE MOMENT!!!
070715 -- No offense, but you're totally unqualified for this position. - That's okay. I already have a job. - I just need a job offer at a higher salary so I can use it to negotiate for a raise. - My boss is a irrational dipwad who is easily manipulated
070715 -- by bogus comparisons and the illusion of scarcity. - Your offer will make him think my value is much higher than it actually is. - Great. Now that I know I can't have you, I desperately want to hire you. - My mind is already forming
070715 -- rationalizations for your total lack of qualifications! - How do you turn this off?!! I'll tell you after you write the offer.
070716 -- I'll be managing the Elbonian branch office but I'll be based in my own country. - I'll never see you in person but I want you all to work long hours and wear dockers. - What is he doing? Sometimes we use mud to muffle laughter.
070717 -- My Elbonian division won't do any work unless someone is watching them every minute. - Tell them you have hidden cameras. - Then randomly fire one Elbonian per week. Hee-hee! Evil makes my buttocks tingle.
070718 -- I'd like your input on the idea of hiring a coordinator for our projects. - Terrible idea. Waste of money. Wouldn't help. - He starts Monday.
070719 -- Employee Orientation This job will leave you with no time for exercise. - You will work long hours and consume trans fats until you are shaped like this. - On a positive note, your payroll deduction service allows you to save money for dirt to
070719 -- turn your cubicle into a burial site.
070720 -- I'm promoting you from senior engineer to lead engineer. - The pay is the same but people will disrespect you less. - Including you? It's not magic.
070721 -- I got promoted to lead engineer. Me too. - Wow. Buzz kill. Right back at you. - If you think about it, all motivation is temporary.
070722 -- Out pointy-haired boss is insisting we use old technology because he thinks it will be easier to get it funded. - You should raise that issue at the meeting. - We'll back you up. Absolutely. - Are there any issues? - You're making us use old
070722 -- technology just to make your job easier. - Does anyone else think that? No. No. No. - The old technology works fine. New technology is too buggy. - WHAT WAS THAT?!! It's just something we do.
070723 -- Your snacks are too loud. - Only inconsiderate jerks eat crunchy food in cubicles. crunch crunch crunch - Maybe you should try to make me love you more than I love salt.
070724 -- I asks Wally to stop eating noisy snacks in his cubicle but he refuses. - That's because he likes salt more than he likes you. We all feel the same way. - What? You're somewhere between oatmeal and kelp.
070725 -- I can't stop punching people who deserve to be punched. - For example, your high rates and ridiculous combover make me want to punch your face in. - But you won't, right? Let's what happens when I regain the element of surprise.
070726 -- All of your E-Mails this week were marked as highest priority. - So I spent the entire week working on the first one. - Next week I plan to continue not feeding the squirrels by the east entrance.
070727 -- I hired the Dogbert Moving Company to handle your relocation. - It saves us money because they only send one huge guy. - After you load your couch on the truck, make me another sandwich or, again, I'll kill you.
070728 -- You eliminated the budget for automated test software. How are we going to test our new code? - Go write some automated test software, you big baby. I already pay you, so it's free. - Today I learned you can end any conversation by calling the
070728 -- other person a big baby. Waa-waa! Do you want your bottle?
070729 -- What would your system cost? We can deliver in two weeks. - But what would it cost? - A lot of vendors deliver in four weeks, but we can do it in two. - I'm asking about price, not delivery schedules. - Do you want it shipped by ground or air?
070729 -- Air is even faster. - What does it cost? Ground costs less than air. - GAAA!!! WHAT DOES THE *SYSTEM* COST?!! - For ground?
070730 -- I can't develop an automated testing system by the arbitrary deadline you set. - Try working smarter, not harder, with a sense of urgency, and a bias for action. - Or maybe *you* could do something differently. I'm not the one who can't get his
070730 -- work done.
070731 -- There are two kinds of management problems. - There's the kind you can solve by yelling and the kind you can solve by buying some sort of software. - That's why I created "some sort of software that yells." ooo!!
070801 -- Wally, I bought Dogbert's Management Software to yell at you so I don't have to. - I recommend track 3, "you're my least valuable asset." - Who wants to buy Dogbert's Noise Cancellation Headphones for Bad Employees? I need you less than my
070801 -- mousepad.
070802 -- Are you wearing noise cancellation headphones? What? I SAID, ARE YOU WEARING NOISE CANCELLATION HEADPHONES?! What? - This won't end well. I SAID...
070803 -- From now on, I want you to use open source software for everything we do. It's free. I'll be right back. - It's an emergency. I think he's been reading. - We know you have a trade publication in here. Hand it over and no one has to get hurt.
070804 -- I narrowed down the options to an alternative that costs too much another that won't work. - I didn't do any research. It's more of an experience sort of thing. - Next week I plan to think about the option of using technology that isn't yet
070804 -- available.
070805 -- When do you to come out with a new model? - In about two months. - I'll wait and buy the new model. - Did I say two months? I meant never. - Never? That must mean your company is going out of business and won't support this product. - What's a
070805 -- length of time between two months and never that would cause you to buy now? - One year. Our new model comes out in a year. - I'll wait until then. You're my worst customer ever.
070806 -- Did you get the note I left on your monitor? Yes - Did you get my voicemail? Yes Did you get my E-Mail? Yes - Should I tell you what the note and voicemail and E-Mail said? There's something wrong with you.
070807 -- I've decided to manage by spreadsheet. - I'll track things until all of our problems fix themselves. - Your optimism is cute. Thanks. You're pretty fuzzy yourself.
070808 -- Asok, according to my spreadsheet, you have been doing a terrible job. - Perhaps your spreadsheet is poorly conceived and does not capture the complexity of the real world. - And let's not forget the near certainty that your formulae are
070808 -- pointing to the wrong cells. Numbers don't lie.
070809 -- Cancel all of my meetings. I'm going to manage by making spreadsheets and sending E-Mails. - With any luck, I'll never again need to speak with unimportant subordinates such as yourself. - %*#**!* C23 is in a bad mood today.
070810 -- I'm wearing my tall pants and my old-fashioned hairpiece because I'm running for president. - I put a glove on my tail so I can shake 50% more hands. - My policy is to give all the money in the treasury to Iowans. But I might flip-flop after
070810 -- the first primary.
070811 -- Dogbert For President Vote for me or the terrorists will use your skulls for salad bowls. - I promise to take money from the people who don't vote for me and give it to the people who do. - Pollution has vitamins! I like how he makes me feel.
070812 -- Prepare a proposal for this customer. Why me? - You were walking by. I had it in my hand. - We can't win this business. We don't have the right product or expertise. - Just say we do. We'll figure it out later. - They know we don't. And we'd
070812 -- still be the most extensive bidder. - Bid low. We'll make it up with change orders and unexpected essential upgrades. - In other words, I've been randomly assigned to create lies for a proposal we can't win for a service we can't perform. - You
070812 -- make competing sound bad.
070813 -- If you are elected president, what will you do in the first hundred days? - I figure it will take me at least that long to carve my name in all the furniture. - Then it would be time to wipe that smug smile off of Switzerland's face.
070814 -- Ratbert, I want you to be my vice presidential running mate. - Your job is to be so unpopular that no one will want to assassinate me. I can do that! - Seriously. Stop campaigning on my shoe. grrr!!!
070815 -- Carol, set up a meeting with the technology review board to decide how we'll decide on new technologies. - Do you also need a meeting to decide how you will put together a meeting to decide how to decide things? - Maybe I should get some people
070815 -- together to help you answer that question. Maybe.
070816 -- I didn't understand anything you just said. Go away. - Our CEO doesn't like your idea. He didn't say why. - Do you ever feel like you're wallpapering fog? I don't get that invested.
070817 -- Carol, I give you far too much work. There's only one solution. - I hired a coffee swilling beaver to show you how to work faster. - When I watch you, it's as if time stands still.
070818 -- Coffee Swilling Beaver If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it... - I'd still chew the bejeezus out of it because I have no impulse control. - That reminds me: the pencil I borrowed from you isn't coming back.
070819 -- I called this meeting to discuss the changes in the pension plan. - We already saw the company-wide E-Mail about the changes. - And we're all engineers, so we understand the changes better than you do. - I'll bet you intend to waste our time by
070819 -- reading the E-Mail to us. - You can't stop yourself. It's some sort of compulsion. - If you read that E-Mail, it's proof that something is wrong with your brain. - Can't...resist...reading...E-Mail. - GAAA!!! Best meeting ever.
070820 -- Alice, you have the highest salary in the department. But don't tell anyone what it is. - Dilbert, you have the highest salary in the department. But don't tell anyone what it is. - I can't believe I never thought of that before. Yeah,
070820 -- especially since you're the highest paid manager.
070821 -- Then I found out there are two kinds of face-lifts. - I accidentally checked the box for the kind that lets you see over the top of your cubicle. - So I try to drink more, but  that isn't working out either.
070822 -- Stockholder Meeting Do we have any questions from gadflies? - You earned 72 million dollars while our stock price dropped nine percent. How can you sleep at night? . zzzzz
070823 -- When I was a boy, I dreamed of one day working in a fabric-covered box. - I'm lifting proof that dreams can come true. - Women don't like winners either.
070824 -- As you requested, I sorted the future product features into three priorities. - Let me know which group I should stop working on. Essential Critical Must-Have - This is the part where you pretend to add value.
070825 -- We have too much goodwill on the balance sheet. I decided to sell some of it. - A mysterious buyer offered a million dollars for the right to decrease our goodwill. - You might have a bit less job satisfaction next week.
070826 -- I can't give you a raise because you ask me too many questions. - That's a sign that you can't do your job. - I anticipated your misperception and prepared for it. - I saved all of my E-Mails and matched them to your policies and procedures. -
070826 -- For example, this is your E-Mail saying we need your permission to buy software. - And here's my E-Mail asking if I can buy some software. - Should I run through the other seven hundred documented examples? - There you go asking another
070826 -- question.
070827 -- Now that I have purchased your company's goodwill, I plan to make some changes. - I redesigned your headquarters building. - What's this part that looks like a horse's rump? That's the entrance to the executive suite.
070828 -- We financed our expansion by selling the goodwill on our balance sheet to a wealthy investor. - I made a list o the customers that I want your project to injure. - Your lawyer did a bad job on the contract. His name is on your list.
070829 -- Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources Some of you have been thinking about happy things when you should be working. - These sensors will alert management any time the pleasure areas of your brain have more blood flow. - I was happier not
070829 -- knowing. ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding
070830 -- According to our employee brain monitor, you have not been thinking about work. - All of your brain activity is in the zones that control love of coffee, digestive functions and...uh-oh. - I'M BLIND!!! Oh, that one.
070831 -- Ted, I have to let you go, but there's a good reason. - There's no money to pay your salary because I made a typo in my budget request. - Until then, I was totally planning to reward your hard work.
070901 -- I made a typo in my annual budget request, but don't worry. - There are only two things you can't buy for the test lab this year. - Hardware and software.
070902 -- Our CEO's son is joining the department as an intern. - I want you to be his mentor. - And by mentor, I mean don't let the little spy learn anything about us. - If he finds out what we do, he'll tell his dad we're doing it wrong. - Here's a
070902 -- list of compliments you can give him. - Tell him his assignment is to go someplace and study cool motorcycles. - If he asks more than three questions, kill him. - Where's my desk? That's one.
070903 -- I hired all of you because the project will take 300 man days to complete. - There are 300 of you, so I want you to finish by five o'clock and clean out your desks. You're all fired. - If it takes more than one meeting to manage a project, I
070903 -- loose interest.
070904 -- I finished all of my work, and now I'm available for another high profile assignment. - Create a document and route it around for approval. - On what topic? How to keep an intern busy.
070905 -- Which way is the microwave? - Thanks. - It's getting harder to be open-minded.
070906 -- Carl, I have to fire you. - You're totally incompetent at everything you do. - Before you go, I'd like you to teach Dilbert how to do your job.
070907 -- Although I've been fired for gross incompetence, I'm professional enough to train you before I leave. - Don't bother. I already coded a Java app to do everything you do. - Everything? Except for the incompetent parts.
070908 -- Everyone says your new circuit design is worse than the old one. - By "everyone", do you mean you heard it from one person who doesn't like me, and isn't familiar with either design? - I also spoke to the people who heard it from that one
070908 -- person.
070909 -- I didn't have time to finish my tasks for this meeting. No problem. - If you get cornered, read this powerful anti-meeting spell. - Asok, did you finish the traffic estimates? erk  - Um...I was wondering if our new service is Web 2.0 or Web
070909 -- 1.0. - Obviously it's a Web 2.0 application because of the tag-based folksonomies. - No it isn't- All of our technology existed before the Internet bubble. - "When" doesn't matter. It only matters that we use the Web as a platform! - EVERYTHING
070909 -- IS A PLATFORM! Freaky.
070910 -- I'll need more than tall pants and traditional looking hair to get elected president. - I'm hoping to form an unholy alliance with the military industrial complex. - You're willing to attack allies? It's the highest R.O.I.
070911 -- Alice, see me at the end of business today. - Ohmygod, ohmygod, what corpse floated up from the ocean floor? I can't wait seven hours. Gah! - Seven Hours Later What?! What?! What?! Can you come back tomorrow?
070912 -- People are complaining about how you use your security card. - We'd appreciate it if you didn't keep it in your front pocket and thrust it at the door sensor. - I didn't know the security card was why the door opened.
070913 -- We can't compete on price. - We also can't compete on quality, features or service. - That leaves fraud, which I'd like you to call marketing.
070914 -- Our new VP of marketing promises to improve our revenues by ten billion percent! - That is a ridiculous lie that only a gullible moron would believe. - Oh yeah? How do you explain the fact that *he* believed it? Touche
070915 -- Dogbert, The VP Of Marketing It's my job to spraypaint the roadkill. - I'll use a process the experts call "dishonesty." - My motto is "if it isn't immoral, it probably won't work."
070916 -- You didn't make any of the contract changes we agreed on last month. - That's how I negotiate. - I'm not authorizes to make any changes to the contract. - And the executives who have that power will think I'm not doing my job if I ask them to
070916 -- do it. - So I agree to everything you ask, then I don't put anything of it in the contract. - Over the course of several months, I hope to wear you down and make you sign the contract as is. - Can you change at least section three the way I
070916 -- asked? Sure. No problem. - I'll see you in a month.
070917 -- Dogbert, The VP Of Marketing Describe your product in technical terms and I'll turn it into marketing language. - Well, it tends to overheat. "Hottest product on the market!" - All the parts are known carcinogens. "Makes you appreciate life!"
070918 -- Dogbert, VP Of Marketing As head of public relations, it will be my job to explain your marketing claims. So? - You claim your product can turn tap water into unleaded gasoline and reanimate the dead. - Are you asking me to do a lousy job of
070918 -- marketing just so your job is easier? Um...
070919 -- Alice, did you hear I'm getting a cubicle by the window? - Although I wouldn't want that cubicle because of the glare, the fact that you want it makes me hate you for getting it. - We're like a family here. I HOPE IT COLLAPSES ON YOUR HEAD!
070920 -- I saw a fascinating documentary about bugs. - In other words, you like bugs more than you like me. - Yes, but I didn't realize it until just now.
070921 -- Wally, did you get those cost estimates I asked for last week? - No, I need constant supervision. - Can you do it now? Do you have time to watch?
070922 -- Carol, did you update the org chart yet? - No. I kept waiting for it to become more important than my personal problems, but it just never happened. - How about right now? Ouch! I think that's my appendix!
070923 -- I changed the product design. - It's worse than the old design. - You asked me to come up with a new design. - I meant a new design that's better then the old design. - Great. You could have told me that before I did all of this work. - How do
070923 -- you think this makes me feel? - No one would blame me for hating you. - I'm the only sane person in this company.
070924 -- Dogbert For President As President, I will not make decisions based on polls. - In fact, I won't give you a single thing that you want. That's called leadership. - I'll never understand why that works. YAY! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP!
070925 -- Donate to my campaign, and I'll let you drill for oil in my opponent's lawn. - And I'll appoint you to run the bureau of alcohol, tobacco and firearms. - Is that as fun as it sounds? Not for your neighbors.
070926 -- Today I completed my high priority tasks and launched them into the miasma. - There they will rot from neglect while I draw closer to the abyss of eternal Nothingness. - I have an idea: Let's never talk about you.
070927 -- It's time for some generic management. - Did you talk to What's-His-Name about the thing? Um...yes. - There should be some sort of award for avoiding minutiae.
070928 -- Wally, it's ten o'clock. You're supposed to start at eight. - That's because I plan to work for two unverifiable hours after you leave tonight. - My alleged loyalty to this company is second to none.
070929 -- Wally, your choice of words leads us to think you are only pretending to be loyal to the company. - Sorry. I'll try to appear more loyal in the future. - You did it again. Don't be silly, I couldn't be more loyal.
070930 -- What are you doing? Carpet fishing. - It's a sport I invented. - I divided the carpet in my cubicle into a numbered grid. - Then I wrote a computer program that randomly picks a carpet location and a type of fish about once an hour. - If it
070930 -- picks the carpet location where I happen to be dangling this string, it means I hooked a fish. - - Yesterday I caught a marlin. - Did you come here for some reason other than to spoil the salmon run?
071001 -- Why did it take six months to complete this simple task? - Because of your continuous changes, your unclear communication, and your short work days. - I'm looking for something more along the lines of you being lazy.
071002 -- I hired a sadist. Why? - I'll be using her to thin the herd. Herd? - That one looks slow.  They all look like that.
071003 -- The Sadist Vs. Wally You are worthless and overpaid! - Thank you. - He's immune to my sadism. So, what's it like being underpaid?
071004 -- Remember to use all of your vacation time before year end. I'm off next week. - WHAT! I curse you for taking time off when we have so much work to do! DIE, DIE, DIE!!! - Anyway, the point is that vacations help relieve your stress.
071005 -- I quadrupled my workload to finish projects before I go on vacation. - I'm going home early to watch Battlestar Galactica on my DVR. - I might eat a sandwich! Must...not...envy...the vacationless.
071006 -- Did you look at my Powerpoint presentation? - Yes, it's a confused jumble of useless information with a Wino's spittle of unsupported conclusions. - Wino's spittle? You heard me.
071007 -- Tomorrow is the mandatory meeting on employee health and well-being. - The meeting starts at 6 A.M., so it will interfere with your sleep and not your work. - Doesn't that send a message that work is more important than health? - I hope so.
071007 -- That's the theme of the meeting. - Healthy employees are unproductive. - They're always exercising or eating fruit when they should be working. - We prefer employees who work hard and die before their pensions start paying out. - Suddenly I
071007 -- feel sick. Right on schedule!
071008 -- Explain why you charge less of your time to projects than all other engineers. - I'm trying something new. It's called honesty. - Stop doing that. Okay. Brilliant suggestion.
071009 -- You treat every conversation like it's a contest where you have to be the one who is right! - It only seems that way because everything you say is wrong. - See? There it is! I'm pretty sure that was you again.
071010 -- The new guy is a huge weasel. Don't believe anything he says. - You say that about all the new hires so they won't seem credible when they complain about you. - I'll stop doing it when it stops working.
071011 -- I hired an unqualified crony to run our quality control group. - I value loyalty over competence. That's the sign of a great leader. - Do you see *any* problem with that? It makes you look extra disloyal?
071012 -- Your unqualified crony is causing a rebellion among the staff. - There's no need to blow this all out of proportion. - But I promise to monitor the situation.
071013 -- Hello, Keith. You're the next coworker I have targeted for elimination. - I'll be using a rumor campaign to convince everyone you are dishonest and incompetent. Why??? - Do I need a reason? We think she wasn't hugged enough.
071014 -- I found a clever way to write my application code in one hour! - Normally this sort of thing would take weeks. - I assume my high level of efficiency will be recognized and awarded. - Let me know how that works out for you. - You did all of
071014 -- that in one hour? Yes, I did. - From now on, I expect you to finish all of your projects in one hour. - Otherwise I'll assume you're ripping off the company. - You could have warned me. - That's not how experience works.
071015 -- Alice is spreading false rumors about me. She's trying to make me quit. - At this company, we don't get all anal about the difference between false rumors and actual facts. - That's not fair! Said the alleged poacher of endangered species.
071016 -- My pay is below market. Can I have a 20% raise? - No, but I'll let you use two flat screen monitors in your cubicle so it feels like you're an evil genius in a secret lair. - BU-WA-HAHA! Who got a second monitor?
071017 -- Why does Dilbert get two computer monitors while I only get one?! - Well, according to researchers, it's because men tend to negotiate and women don't. - So, what happens now? If I had to guess, I'd say more complaining.
071018 -- Make these changes and run it by me again. - History suggests I have entered an infinite loop of making changes with no hope of finishing. - My life is a furious ball of nothing. And I'm not wild about the font.
071019 -- This week I increased my productivity by improving my morale. - I watched funny YouTube videos from morning until dusk. - That's all you did? Don't worry. I'm almost halfway done.
071020 -- Dogbert The Security Consultant Be on the lookout for any suspicious behavior. - If you see a guy doing something that you wouldn't do, beat him to death with a trash can. - Can we use recycle bins? I wouldn't have asked that question.
071021 -- My accomplishment this week was helping Alice finish her project in a timely manner. - You didn't do anything to help me. - Sure I did. - Remember when I came to your cubicle to ask for some data I need for my project? - You said you were too
071021 -- busy, and shooed me away. - If I had insisted on doing my job, you would have had less time to do yours. - It's called teamwork. - Are we still big on that? Must...control...fist...of...death.
071022 -- Dogbert The Security Consultant If you see someone without an Id badge... - ...strip search him, confiscate his wallet, and lock him in the janitor's closet until he starves! - That seems a bit extreme. You're about a minute away from living on
071022 -- mop water.
071023 -- I can't do my work because the Internet is too fascinating. - The physical world no longer holds my interest. I find joy only on the Internet. - Can I take a hit on your iPhone before I go back to my cubicle? No.
071024 -- I'm addicted to the Internet. - I no longer care for direct human interaction. It's too shallow and predictable. - Maybe you should try some outdoor activities. I saw that coming.
071025 -- Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources From now on, all sick days must be scheduled in advance. - That's ridiculous. How are we supposed to know when we're going to be sick? - Tomorrow. I hired a guy who never washes his hands to help you
071025 -- with scheduling.
071026 -- Why does it seem as if most of the decisions in my workplace are made by drunken lemurs? - Decisions are made by people who have time, not people who have talent. - Why are talented people so busy? They're fixing the problems made by people who
071026 -- have time.
071027 -- Do you mind if I give you some advice? Not at all. - Do you mind if I roll my eyes, sigh deeply, and dismiss your advice as if it came from the village idiot? - I might mind. Well then, let me give you some advice...
071028 -- My brain is empty. - It feels great! - Stress is just another word for knowledge. - Wait a minute. How do I know that? - GAAA!!! Something got past the filters! - Mut...do...Mantra... - Lindsay Lohan...Britney Spears...Paris Hilton...Ommmmmm -
071028 -- Are you a all good now? Have we met?
071029 -- Why didn't you use any of my suggestions? - My theory is that your brain is the size of a marble, and twice as smooth. - The root cause probably involves slow learners mating for many generations.
071030 -- Dogbert Consults Every credible scientist on earth says your products harm the environment. - I recommend playing weasels to write articles casting doubt on the data. - Then eat the wrong kinds of foods and hope you die before the earth does.
071030 -- You're making me hungry!
071031 -- Rent-a-Weasel - I need three bitter and unsuccessful scientists and a hundred lazy journalists. Very good. - Did you know toddlers thrive on pollution?
071101 -- I'm always wrong about everything. What can I do to fix that? - I recommend shopping. The customer is always right. - Shopping makes me smart?!! You aren't shopping yet.
071102 -- I'd like to buy some tires for a refrigerator. - This is a lingerie store. Get lost before I stomp on your tail. - I think I debunked the theory that the customer is always right.
071103 -- Don't bring me problems, bring me solutions. - When I bring you solutions, you tell me they won't work and treat me like a moron. - What's the problem with that?
071104 -- Where do you think you're going? - I need to ask our VP of sales a question. - Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! - You can't speak directly with a vice president. - You need to talk to your boss, who talks to his boss, who talks to someone who is friends with
071104 -- the VP of sales, who then talks to him. - Wouldn't that virtually guarantee that the wrong question gets asked? - It's better to have the right person ask the wrong question than the wrong person ask the right question. - Do you have a minute?
071104 -- Do you have a minute? Talk to my secretary.
071105 -- That price quote includes *everything*! - What about taxes, shipping, cables, carts, software, memory upgrades, maintenance and insurance? - Has anyone ever called you needy?
071106 -- You should check with Ted to see if he knows about this sort of thing. - I'll add that to my list of marginally useful things that other people have suggested I do. - Apparently, agreeing isn't enough. You also need to say it a certain way.
071107 -- Our new strategy has never worked for anyone before. - That will give us the element of surprise. - Let's get started! Can I rebalance my 401(K) first?
071108 -- I need a $1,600 handheld bar code scanner to finish my lab tests. - Okay. Apply for a capital budget variance, prepare an RFP, get three bids, form a team to evaluate the bids, then prepare a purchase order. - Never mind. I'll just learn to
071108 -- read bar codes by sight. Quitter.
071109 -- When will I get your project status report? - You're asking for a status report on the status of the status report? - Right. When can I get that? It's starting to look like infinity.
071110 -- At my old job, we did everything better than we do it here. - They sound like a great company. It's no wonder they fired you. - They didn't fire me. I quit to come work here. So, your point is that you're a moron?
071111 -- Wally, can I get your comments on my article by tomorrow? Sure. - You say "sure," but we both know it's a lie. - You just want me to go away. - You plan to wait until tomorrow and make an excuse. - Then you'll I'll give up. - Yes, but remember,
071111 -- my comments are always worthless. They would cause you extra work and worsen the result. - So if I give you nothing, everyone wins. - In that case, thank you for ignoring my needs. It's the least I could do.
071112 -- Asok, I need you to fill in at tech support for a few days. - You'll be the guy who asks the customer for information, then transfers the call to another person who asks exactly the same questions. - Wouldn't that make me a barrier in progress?
071112 -- Only if the other guy actually helped.
071113 -- I don't understand anything you do, so I assume it's all useless. - Maybe you could go to M.I.T. and get a degree in engineering so you would understand what I do. - Would that be easier than not giving you a raise?
071114 -- I'm trying to develop a good attitude about my job. - Every morning I tell myself I am invigorated by busywork. - Asok, I need you to relabel the toner cartridged. WOO-HOO!
071115 -- Then we program the web site using a fast guy in tights and a movie about coffee. - Correct me if I'm wrong. We use Flash and Javascript. - I SAID, *"IF"*!!!
071116 -- Mordac, The Preventer Of Information Services Security is more important than usability. - In a perfect world, no one would be able to use anything. - To complete the log-in procedure, stare directly at the sun.
071117 -- I am Mordac, The Preventor Of Information Services, and I bring you my newest biometric scanner. - Instead of a password, I put this on your head and squeeze until you scream in a way that only you can scream. - GAAA! GAAA! GAAA! No, that's not
071117 -- you.
071118 -- Career Day Class, today Dilbert will tell us what a career in engineering is all about. - My job involves explaining things to idiots. - Then the idiots make decisions based on misinterpreting what I said. - Then it is my job to try to fix the
071118 -- massive problems caused by the bad decisions. - Eventually, rumors overwhelm facts, and I give up. - In the final phase, I assign blame to an unpopular coworker. - So whatever you do in life, don't be unpopular. Don't listen to him! Said the
071118 -- unpopular teacher.
071119 -- Dogbert Consults Do you want me to lie to you for $400 per hour or give you the truth for $200? I'll take the truth. - Okay. The problem is that having you try to manage engineers is like having an earthworm try to juggle. - How's my premium
071119 -- pricing option sound to you now?
071120 -- Can I order some pens? No. It's impossible. - You need a pen to fill out the pen request form, And if you have a pen, you're not allowed to order one. - Maybe I could borrow *your* pen. That sounds like some sort of parasitic arrangement.
071121 -- This document says a backup server is overkill. - Um, no, it says the opposite of that. I know it because I wrote it this morning. - No, I think you're misinterpreting it. I WROTE IT!!!
071122 -- We've decided to be more family friendly in our policies. - To compensate for the lost productivity, we'll be openly hostile to single people. - That doesn't seem fair. SHUT UP AND GET BACK TO WORK, EUNUCH!
071123 -- I'd like to take advantage of our new family friendly policy. - Three of my kids have bronchitis, two have dental appointments, one is on a school play, and one has a rugby game. - In all likelihood, you will never see me again. We didn't think
071123 -- this through.
071124 -- Your resume is riddled with spelling errors. Why should we hire a moron? - My poor performance would make you look good in comparison. You'll get a bigger raise if I work here. - What do you think of him? Well, his interview skills are crazy
071124 -- good.
071125 -- Dilbert, I need you to do something, but I don't have time to fully explain it. - I'll give you just enough information to send you down the wrong path. - Later, after you do it wrong, I'll treat you like you're some sort of idiot. - Then I'll
071125 -- put you through the embarrassment of undoing everything you did. - This might not sound like a good plan to you. - But it takes the task off of my plate and puts it on yours. - That's called progress! - Today I helped make progress. Better luck
071125 -- tomorrow.
071126 -- We're going to try something called Agile Programming. - That means no more planning and no more documentation. Just start writing code and complaining. - I'm glad it has a name. That was your training.
071127 -- Tina the Tech Writer I decided to base your salary on the number of pages you write. - Fine. I'll give you a high volume of low quality work. - Sometimes the best you can do is move the hairball to another pocket.
071128 -- Tina the Tech Writer As you requested, I increased the speed of my writing. - My breakthrough was realizing that accuracy and clarity are optional! - Would you like to micromanage me by reading it all and pointing out the errors?
071129 -- What's wrong with your face? It's a goatee. - I hate goatees, so I am using my powers of extreme uncoolness to make them go away. - That could work. GAAA!!!
071130 -- Dogbert's Tech Support No one else has ever reported that problem. - That means you are either crazy or a liar. - It's a little of both, but how did you know? I can see you through your computer.
071201 -- Never tell anyone we don't have enough resources to do a project. it makes us look lame. - Instead, say we have a fixed capacity that is already dedicated to higher priorities, That makes whoever asked us for help look lame. - Can I keep
071201 -- telling people I donated all of my blood to hurricane victims?
071202 -- Do you have a minute? No. - This will just take a second. No it won't. - It's real quick. Never is. - You have my word that it will take no longer than five seconds. - Okay. Go. - Oh, good. So I was walking by and I thought maybe I should stop
071202 -- and ask you something because... Time's up. - - Jerk. Liar.
071203 -- Our next project is building a private shuttle to the moon. - Now if you make any mistakes, innocent tourists will perish in the vacuum of space. - We need to work on our rationalizations. Is anyone really "innocent"?
071204 -- My company wants me to design a private moon shuttle in three months. Doom is inevitable. - What you need is a scapegoat to blame for the project never getting finished. I'll send one over. - I was almost done, and then this idiot comes along.
071205 -- Asok, I need an intern to test-pilot our new moon shuttle prototype. - Wouldn't it be wiser to send a monkey on the first flight? - You're thinking of the second flight.
071206 -- Don't worry, Asok. The prototype is perfectly safe. - I found you a co-pilot. He's a bit grim, but he works for free. - Hey, I wonder what this button does.
071207 -- I am sad to report that Asok the intern died during a test of our moon shuttle prototype. - Before he left, he put a sample of his DNA in a jar. His plan is to reincarnate into his own clone. - Where's the jar with Asok's DNA? I needed a second
071207 -- candy jar.
071208 -- Your prototype killed Asok. That means it is your job to clone him and hope he reincarnates into the clone. - Carol used his DNA container for a snack jar, so be careful. - Why do I feel nuts? You're part Snickers bar.
071209 -- I need a cost estimate on your project. - I have no idea. I haven't even gathered the user requirements. - Don't worry. I won't hold you for the estimate. - Yes you will. You will put it in the plan, forget we had this conversation, fire me
071209 -- when I go over budget. - Give me a number or I'll fire you right now. - Okay, it will cost ten million dollars. - That's too high. If you already know the cost, why are you asking ME? - So you'll feel like you had input. Is input supposed to
071209 -- feel this bad?
071210 -- Asok died in a work-related accident. His disaster recovery plan was to reincarnate into his own clone. - You are his clone, but your DNA got mixed up with a Snickers bar. You are doomed to walk the earth as half man, half snack. rrrrr - Phew!
071210 -- It is lucky I studied guided reincarnation and advanced shapeshifting at the Indian Institute of Technology.
071211 -- I was dead for a week, but I managed to reincarnate into my own clone and use my shapeshifting skills to look less like a Snickers bar. - I once waited four hours for a cable TV guy to show up at my house. Those stories are not equivalent. It's
071211 -- subjective.
071212 -- Don't you dare take another cup of coffee. - The more you drink, the more often I have to order coffee. You are destroying my quality of life! - GAAA!!! If this doesn't make the coffee taste better, I don't know what will.
071213 -- Mordac, The Preventer Of Information Services I made some changes to the network that I alone understand. - I didn't have time to test it, but if there is a problem, I'll be on vacation for three weeks in a Russian submarine below the arctic
071213 -- circle. - My screen just went blank. Let's chalk that up to coincidence.
071214 -- It was theoretically impossible to work this week. - Everything I needed to do required me to do something else first, until it all looped back on itself like a M�bius strip. - Maybe you could make a to-do list. As if I had a pencil.
071215 -- I don't know you. Why are you in this meeting? - I'm creating the illusion of work by conflating the concepts of attendance and productivity. - You should leave. And who should I say hates teamwork?
071216 -- I can't give you the highest raise because you didn't exceed expectations. - If you thought it was possible for me to exceed my expectations, you would have set the goals higher. - So there are only two possibilities here. - Either you are
071216 -- incompetent at setting goals... - or I attained the maximum possible achievement and I deserve the maximum raise. - Which is it? - - Can I hear those two choices again?
071217 -- You have good experience as a dead horse, but can you take a beating? - So, you think you can ignore my questions, do you? - Cancel all of my meetings. This could take a few more hours.
071218 -- I hired a dead horse. He doesn't look like much, but if you beat him long enough, he does good work. - Have you seen him do good work? I haven't beaten him long enough. - INTRODUCE YOURSELF TO THE OTHERS! whap!
071219 -- I'm not allowed to discuss the company politics that form a career minefield around your project. - And I can't tell you the company's new strategic direction, or anything about our upcoming reorg. - My plan is to criticize you until something
071219 -- good happens.
071220 -- Alice, I want you to move to a cubicle closer to the rest of the department. - Is there a reason that isn't apparent, or is this coming from the reptilian part of your brain? - How would I know? That's a surprisingly good point.
071221 -- Your staff meeting will take an hour of my life that I will never get back. - If you let me skip the meeting, I will agree to die an hour earlier to make up the difference. - He agreed? Yes, and I'm going to use that extra hour of death to
071221 -- haunt him.
071222 -- What have you done lately to enhance our strategy into the next adjacency? - I don't know what that means, so I'm going to say, "everything." - He's lucky there's no way to verify the claim.
071223 -- I'm off to the management retreat. - I won't be reachable because I'll be busy golfing, swimming, drinking, and getting massages. - And attending meetings? - I don't see how we'll have any time for that. - While I'm gone, I have a few tasks for
071223 -- you to do. - Open all the packages of printer paper and make sure they have the right number of sheets. - Then crawl into the heating ducts and see if you can find what died in there. - It's my last boss. Spray him with something lemony.
071224 -- This concludes the useful part of my presentation. - Now let's open the floor to suggestions from people who are unqualified to do their own jobs, much less mine. - Yes, you with the forehead. Can you make the software out of recycled paper?
071225 -- Bruce, you're totally incompetent at your job, so I'm moving you to another job. - I'm hoping your lack of training for your new job will make your incompetence seem normal. - Half of this job is knowing when to give up.
071226 -- And Wally, did you finish your project tasks for today? - No. I took a calculated risk that other people would not finish their tasks either, making my lateness totally irrelevant. - Um... That is the worst... I need another week.
071227 -- My new cubicle is too small. - It only seems so small because you were so spoiled before. - I didn't feel spoiled. Apparently it sneaks up on you.
071228 -- Alice, I got your two weeks' notice. - Will you stay if I give you a 20% raise? Okay. - Hey Dad, do you remember you said I should never be a quitter? You do? Well, it turns out that you're a moron.
071229 -- What kind of party are we having for New Year's Eve? - Why would I celebrate an arbitrary calendar event? - Suddenly i don't feel so bad about using your hairbrush as a loofah.
071230 -- Alice, your resume is impressive. - Tell me why you want to be promoted to management. - Well, obviously there's the money and prestige. - I'm also attracted by the prospect of doing much less work. - The opportunity to abuse subordinates is a
071230 -- big plus. - And I speak fluent managerese. Watch this.. - FUH FUH FUH FUH FUH - Did you really want that job? No, but I *love* interviewing!
071231 -- I hate it when people stop working just because it's the day before a holiday. Ha! Ha! Ha! - It cheapens the lack of work that I cultivate year-round. - I saw the funniest video clip! TOURIST!
080101 -- I had a great day at work. For some reason, no one interrupted me, so I got a lot done. - Today is a holiday. - All of my victories are tainted.
080102 -- What did you do for New Year's Day? - I forgot it was a holiday and I came to work for ten hours. - That's sort of loserish. Thanks for labeling it.
080103 -- Wally, did you finish the traffic estimates? I didn't have time. - I spent all week shopping on the company's online supply ordering site. - Hey, you can't blame the guy who just *uses* the attractive nuisance.
080104 -- Wally, I need you to attend a meeting on Friday morning. - But that is Bagel Friday. It's the only thing that separates us from the animals. - You could get a bagel to go. It's as if you don't *want* to understand.
080105 -- Someone said our pointy-haired boss hired a mole. Moles creep me out. - "Mole' is a figure of speech. It's not literally a mole. - Why do I feel tiny eyes on the back of my neck?
080106 -- Topper I didn't get much sleep last night. That's nothing. - I haven't slept in a month. - Wouldn't that kill you? It did, but that's nothing. - I spent a week in the afterlife, then I returned to this world as a zombie. - I taught myself
080106 -- homeopathy and discovered a cure for zombies. - Now I'm alive again. - Please be done...please be done...please be done... - I took pictures of heaven. GAAA!!!
080107 -- What have you learned this week working as my employee mole? - Some of the people in this building think you're a worthless, self-important gas bag. - What do the other people think? They don't know you.
080108 -- I'm the official department mole. I'll be reporting your every misstep to your pointy-haired boss. - Won't this have a chilling effect on our creativity and honesty? - That didn't take long.
080109 -- And those are the company priorities for the coming year. Any questions? - Should I be concerned that none of my projects relate to any of those priorities? - You're overthinking again. Sorry.
080110 -- Tina, put together a document showing how our budget aligns with our priorities. - It doesn't. Write it so it seems like it does. - Isn't that lying? I call it leadership by words.
080111 -- This design will never work in the real world. - That design is already widely used in the real world. - I can come back later if you need time to concoct additional uninformed criticisms.
080112 -- Catbert: Evil Director Of Human Resources I need a goal. What can I do to get a raise? - Try rewriting the law of supply and demand. - Harsh. I have to toss a purr your way.
080113 -- Dilbert, I need you to help Ted on his project. - If Ted's project succeeds, who will get the credit? - Ted will. It's his project. - What if it fails? - That would be your fault for not helping him enough. - If I spend my time helping Ted, my
080113 -- own projects will suffer. - The only way this makes sense is if my projects are unimportant and so am I. - If it makes you feel any better, Ted and his project are unimportant either.
080114 -- It's too hard to keep everyone informed about everything. - I've decided to take you out of the loop. Really?? - Now I know what fathers mean when they talk about witnessing the birth of their children. Lucky!
080115 -- Now that you're out of the loop, your new cubicle will be a giant mushroom. - It's a pleasant environment except when the mushroom gets its nutrients. - Nutrients?
080116 -- I finished my project and I'm ready to present it to the board of directors. - Interns don't speak to the board of directors, Asok. It would be considered an insult. - How is that an insult? You have the stink of unimportance.
080117 -- Who will present my findings to the board of directors? - They only listen to the CEO. And he only listens to the senior vice presidents, and they only listen to the... - Could you show this to the janitor for me? Whoa! Whoa! You don't talk to
080117 -- me directly!
080118 -- CEO Presents To The Board Of Directors An underling made these Powerpoint slides and I don't understand them. - But it doesn't matter because all of you are too preoccupied with your day jobs and mistresses to pay attention. - Who votes to give
080118 -- me a huge bonus just to end this meeting? Aye Aye Aye
080119 -- Our CEO didn't understand the PowerPoint slides you made for him, so he asked the board of directors for a bonus. - With any luck, the bonus will incent him to try harder to understand your slides. - I'm getting better at finding tenuous
081119 -- connections to hope.
080120 -- Catbert: Evil Director Of Human Resources Your boss says that you have a bad attitude. - That's because my project is a flailing corpse of misery, and my boss donated his brain to a gum museum. - If I had a good attitude in this situation, it
080120 -- would be a sign of mental imbalance. - My bad attitude is proof that I am thinking clearly. - Are you going to compliment me on my clarity or demand I be irrational? - I'm putting you in charge of the employee morale festival. - I have a sudden
080120 -- urge to grab you by the tail and beat myself to death. - That's how I know I won the meeting.
080121 -- This week I functioned as an incubator of innovations for contributions to the value chain. - To the observer, it looks as if I am doing nothing, but on the inside, I am incubating my brains out. - It doesn't count unless it hurts. It hurts
080121 -- plenty.
080122 -- Our vendor sent us a consultant to help configure the software. - We can tell how important we are by looking at the consultant they assigned to us. - The word that comes to mind is Doohickey.
080123 -- Ratbert The Software Consultant Don't let your lack of knowledge interfere with my brilliance. - Don't touch the keyboard, don't offer opinions and don't breathe so loudly that I can hear it. - There. I've either configured your software or
080123 -- erased something called a BIOS.
080124 -- The new software is a disaster. Then why did you recommend it? - This software is *your* idea. I recommended *against* it! - So whose fault is it? The person with the unpersuasive recommendations?
080125 -- My new chair can be adjusted to a jillion different positions. - That practically guarantees I'm using it in a suboptimal way. I think it might be disabling me. - Does that look normal to you?
080126 -- If you hire me, I will do all the jobs that the people born in this country are too fat and lazy to do. - IO don't require a safe working environment,and I thrive on abuse! - Do you complain much? I'll remove my own tongue and give it to you in
080126 -- a picke jar for boss's day.
080127 -- Okay, we have a good plan forward. This meeting is adjourned. - OOOH!!! - AAAAH!!! What is that? - AAAH!!! She's tasting the sweet nectar of the illusion of progress. - It's that euphoric feeling you get between the time you make a plan and the
080127 -- time some moron thwarts it. - It can last anywhere from less than a minute to as much as a minute. AAAH!!! - Ted won't meet with us because someone told him that you told someone else he was an obstacle. - GRRRRR!!! The landing is harsh.
080128 -- I need a decision, but it involves more than one variable, and I know you can't handle that. - I'll give you an hour to dither before I badger you into making the correct decision. - I'm going to dither for *two* hours just to show her who is
080128 -- in charge.
080129 -- I'll tell you my idea if you promise not to reject it before thinking about it. - I already rejected it because only putrid ideas come with warnings. - My time management is getting better. I can't pretend to care.
080130 -- Dogbert The Financial Planner With advances in health care, you could live to be 200. - If you have a good financial plan, only the last 120 years will be spent in squalor. - I recommend a diversified portfolio. And bacon.
080131 -- Dogbert The Financial Planner Investing is far too complicated for your tiny brain. - YOU ARE A FINANCIAL TROGLODYTE!!! - Do I get some advice now? No, our first meeting is just to soften you up.
080201 -- Do you have any hobbies? - I like to read obscure articles on the Internet and imagine having friends who are interested in the same things. - But you do have friends, right? Is it too late to change the subject?
080202 -- If I try to give you the raise you deserve, the people above me will just reduce it. - Maybe you could use some of your political capital to argue my case. - Maybe not.
080203 -- How is work, Dilbert? Well, Mom... - I'm like a fly stuck in a thick tar of despair. - Incompetence hangs in the air like the cold stench of death. - I'm drowning, and monkeys dressed as lifeguards are throwing me anvils. - My job has convinced
080203 -- me that life is a stale joke with no punch line. - I long for the comfort of the grave. - Next time, just say "it's fine." - I enjoy our talks. It's fine.
080204 -- Your travel expenses are rejected because all of your meal costs are round numbers. - Either you are a liar, or worse. - I decide what to order based on what totals to a round number after a 15% tip. That's worse.
080205 -- That thing is called a "boss." - His job is to identify systems that are inefficient and make them out new standards. - I do *way* more than that. Don't look directly at it.
080206 -- Is this "take your daughter to work day" again? No, I'm a freelancer. - I've narrowed my career choices to prison guard or monkey trainer. - I don't see how coming here will help. I'll give you a banana if you show me your cubicles.
080207 -- I'm here to go through the motions of trying to ask you a question. - But we both know your phone will ring, or you'll be late for a meeting, or the carpet will catch on fire before I ask the question. - It's a short question, so get ready to
080207 -- make your move.
080208 -- My new five-year plan looks like this. PLAN - How can you have a five-year plan when you don't know what will happen in the next five minutes? - We have this room now. Bad timing. Shoo! Shoo!
080209 -- Our competitors just made our new five-year plan moot. - While we were strategizing, they were doing something I believe they call "work." - On the plus side, I managed to salvage some joy by mocking you. Whatever you're doing, stop it.
080210 -- We'll be using the Dogbert Personality Predictor Index to judge your career potential. - Then we'll leave you in the dead-end job that most closely matches your lack of potential. - Here's a sample question... - How would other people describe
080210 -- you? a) angry loner b) embezzler c) lazy - That's not enough choices! - Says the angry loner. - You have thirty minutes to give yourself a label that will haunt you for the rest of your life. - Would you say I'm more of an unidentified hominid
080210 -- or an inappropriate toucher?
080211 -- Your most sensitive materials should always be sent in an interoffice envelope marked "Top Secret." - Are you a moron who works in our security department, or an industrial spy who is too lazy to look through lots of envelopes? - Our security
080211 -- guys don't slap that hard or run that fast.
080212 -- Our servers are using too much electricity. We need to virtualize. - I did my part by reading about virtualization in a trade journal. Mow you do the software part. - Why is your part taking so long?
080213 -- I hired a consultant to help with our virtualization project because I don't trust employees with anything important. - I will do the heavy thinking while each of you performs your usual duties as obstacles to progress. - You said this is *my*
080213 -- project! I'll let him unplug something.
080214 -- There's no need to worry about the server virtualization project. - In phase one, a team of blind monkeys will unplug unnecessary servers. - In phase two, the monkeys will hurl software at whatever is left. Voila!
080215 -- The server virtualization project is done, and there are no trouble tickets. - My rates might seem steep, but remember, there are no trouble tickets. - Our online trouble ticket system is broken.
080216 -- I heard a rumor that you're highly talented. - That means you'll leave this company any minute. I came to salvage whatever assets you leave behind. - Is he the talented guy? Back off! I'm already chasing this ambulance.
080217 -- Here's your assignment. DO IT! DO IT! DO IT, YOU IDIOT! - What kind of management is THAT? - That's called tough love. - Tough love only makes sense if I am doing something wrong and refuse to change. - Well, sometimes more is less. - The
080217 -- saying is "less is more," not "more is less." - If less equals more, then more must equal less. Duh. - This is the part where you usually refuse to admit you are wrong.
080218 -- Don't get too friendly with the new guy. His armpits are 66 inches off the ground. - He seems nice. I fail to see how the height of his armpits is relevant. You'll see. - Hey, little buddy. Let me tell you about my weekend.
080219 -- Dogbert's Electric Cubicle Walls. - I have a leaner. I want to stun him but not kill him. I recommend our Keith Richards model. - Maybe I should dial it back a little.
080220 -- Our surveillance cameras caught you posting this anti-management comic on the wall. - This comic compares managers to drunken lemurs. - Do you think drunken lemurs are like managers? No. Some lemurs can hold their liquor.
080221 -- Wally, I have to fire you for posting a comic comparing managers to drunken lemurs. - You won't be eligible for unemployment benefits unless you can prove you were stupid as opposed to malicious. - Can you prove you're stupid? Is there another
080221 -- explanation for working here?
080222 -- I don't hold any grudges about being fired for hanging a comic on the wall. - The company will be fine without my secret and exclusive knowledge of the critical systems. - If the framistan starts to gabol, just purge the cache within sixty
080222 -- seconds and the servers won't explode.
080223 -- The Dogbert Gazette is doing a story on your firing of an employee for posting a comic on the wall. - I need some quotes that support my thesis of you being a humorless stain on the soul of humanity. - Would you say you worship Satan, or do you
080223 -- simply respect his no-nonsense approach to discipline?
080224 -- I'm going to a single's mixer tonight. - Do you have any advice? - Don't I always? - I's all about knowing what a woman needs. - Find a woman who looks hot, carve her out from the herd and read this. - What is it? It's the ultimate pick up
080224 -- line. - Um...Hi. Excuse me. - "Criticism completes me." He's a keeper.
080225 -- I'm Bob The Esquire Dinosaur. Your ex-employee, Wally, hired me to slap you with a suit for firing him. - Take off your suit so  can slap you with it. - Not now. He's being slapped with a suit, and I don't want to ruin the rhythm. ouch!
080226 -- Bob The Esquire Dinosaur I slapped your ex-boss with his own suit until he agreed to rehire you. - It only took ten minutes to make him agree, and another hour to convince me that he liked it. - How much do I owe you for all the fun? This one
080226 -- is pro bono.
080227 -- Each department that signs off on the proposal adds a brick to the wall of approval. Approval Process - Question: What would happen if I flung one of those conceptual bricks at your conceptual, stupid head? - They warned me you were a tough
080227 -- audience. FLING! FLING!
080228 -- I realize you don't like the new information services approval policy. - But I would appreciate it if you didn't build effigies of me out of office supplies. Seriously. It's creeping me out. Heh heh heh!
080229 -- Catbert, The Evil Director Of Human Resources, Posts A Job Opening. Requirements: - Candidate must have an I.Q. of 300, two centuries of Unix experience and a track record of winning Nobel prizes. - 90% of my job is convincing people they
080229 -- don't deserve *theirs*.
080301 -- I have all of the job requirements you're looking for. - I have an I.Q. of 3600, several Nobel prizes, and two centuries of Unix experience, thanks to the time machine and the immortality drug I invented. - That's a lot of words for "too old."
080302 -- What do you think of my idea? - It won't work. Why not? - Do you want the long answer you won't understand because you possess neither the experience nor the education needed? - Or the dismissive and insulting answer that has the advantage of
080302 -- being quick? - Another advantage of the insulting answer is that you can tell people I rejected your idea because I didn't think of it myself. - I guess I'll take the insulting answer. - Fine. Your idea is dumber than snake mittens. - What do
080302 -- you have against snake mittens?
080303 -- This company is like a family.  Our culture is based on trust and respect. - Now sign this document that says we can test you for drugs and search your computer and office. - Can I borrow your pen? Do I look like Bill and Melinda Gates?
080304 -- Catbert, Evil Director Of Human Resources I'd like to change my job title to something with "Architect" in it. - My dream is to do less work while allegedly being more valuable. - The best I can do is "Code Monkey." How about "Software Simian"?
080305 -- I used to have a brother, but a piano fell on his head. - Hee hee! - Sometimes I laugh at the wrong times.
080306 -- Carol, I E-mailed you the department payroll report to reformat. - Don't let anyone see it because they might... - BAM! Exactly. They might do that.
080307 -- You'd be happier if you renounced your addiction to the Internet and lived for the moment. - Are you referring to the moment when there's a rat on my bed giving me advice? - How about now? Perfect. Don't chew on the Wi-Fi signal booster.
080308 -- Wally, this is your new team leader. He spells his name like Jesus but it's pronounced Hay-soos. - If you do what Jesus would do, you can enjoy your retirement. - I have a coffee stain that looks just like you. I get that a lot.
080309 -- Our online budget approval system isn't working. - There's a process for making changes to the system, but I don't know it. - I could take a class to learn the process, but there's also a process for approving classes. - I could learn the
080309 -- process for approving classes, but I'd still need approval for a budget variance to take the class. - And I can't get that because the online budget approval system is broken. - I can't even have this conversation because it will make me charge
080309 -- too much of my engineering time to administrative overhead. - So I'll go sit in my cubicle and pretend to be thinking about a billable project. - It looks like I'll be exaggerating my accomplishments again this year.
080310 -- Pronounced Hay-Soos With a name like Jesus, I can't promise I won't mock you. - Baldness be gone. FOOP! - I'm not lazy...and I can see! Don't spill your wine.
080311 -- It's Pronounced Hay-Soos My name is Jesus, and I seek twelve people to work on my project. - I am the saver of databases. Join me to upgrade our systems. - First, we're all going to lunch. I have a bad feeling about this.
080312 -- Pronounced Hay-Soos The new team leader, Jesus, is gaining quite a following. - He fixed my eyesight and made my hair regrow. I think he wants your job as CEO. - For forty shares of stock, I could point him out at lunch. I'll punch his pilot
080312 -- light out!
080313 -- Pronounced Hay-Soos Did you find out who ratted you out, Jesus? - FZEEET! - Maybe you have a way of finding out that sort of thing.
080314 -- Pronounced Hay-Soos Jesus, I thought you got downsized. I came back. - Tell the others I was downsized so I could return as a consultant and save their pensions. - He should have written that down.
080315 -- Dilbert asked me a question in front of the entire group that I already answered last week. - What kind of game is he playing? Maybe he forgot your answer. - That's crazy talk.
080316 -- My management philosophy is "measure twice, cut once." - That only makes sense in a narrow, and generally archaic, set of conditions. - In software development, the item being cut, metaphorically speaking, is often plentiful and inexpensive. -
080316 -- In many cases, the cost of measuring incorrectly is low compared to the time wasted doing two measurements before every action. - Your philosophy is better suited for rock carving than web design. - Do you have any wise sayings that involve
080316 -- churning your own butter, or putting saddles on dinosaurs? - Don't bite the hand that feeds you. - I have direct deposit.
080317 -- That's my plan. Now I'd like to open the floor to your soul-crushing negativity. - You have written humanity's final chapter! Darkness stalks us! I'll never know love! - Anticipating it didn't help.
080318 -- My pessimistic coworkers have crushed my soul. Now i am nothing but meat with clothes. - You can regain your soul by volunteering to help the less fortunate. - Who is less fortunate than me? Anyone you date.
080319 -- I look different from my online picture because it was taken before my coworkers crushed my soul. - Would you like to hear an endless series of stories about a coworker you don't know? Okay. - Really? Gee, you must have some huge defects on
080319 -- your own. - I DON'T DESERVE TO BE HAPPY!
080320 -- The world's smartest garbage man says I need to help someone less fortunate to regain my soul. - Don't look at me. I'm happier than a tickled clam. - I brought you some flowers, dead man. I don't need them. I'm good.
080321 -- Catbert: Evil Director Of Human Resources Is there a company sponsored program for regrowing my lost soul? - No, but I'd be happy to bat your dried-up head until it snaps off. - I have trouble saying no to free stuff.
080322 -- I hear your soul was crushed and Catbert slapped off your dried-up head. - Try this juice I've been selling on the side. It's made from actual berries. - SPOIT! Oh, crud. That was the placebo.
080323 -- I need a doctor's note for the two days of work I missed. - You look healthy to me. I got better. - How do I know you were sick? The note just needs to *say* I was sick. - So you want me to lie? It's not a lie. I really was sick. - If your
080323 -- company doesn't trust you, why should I? Good point. - What if I let the people in your waiting room cough on me? Then you can write a note saying I have what they have. - As long as I didn't recommend it, I think that passes ethical muster. -
080323 -- You have nine diseases? That have names.
080324 -- Where can I put this important document so it won't get lost in your desk clutter? - I'll flatten my hair so you can leave it on top of my head. - Are you happy? I didn't know happy was an option.
080325 -- Carol, I hired famed archaeologist Dogbert to find the budget report in the clutter of your desk. - This appears to be a copier repairman skull, possibly a Ricoh or Kyocera. - I think he used tools. Not fast enough.
080326 -- You're late, as always. - You mean twice, if you include the time you forgot to set your watch back by an hour. - And this time when you E-mailed the wrong start time? Oh, look how you try to flip it around!
080327 -- My cable system wasn't working last night. I didn't have TV or Internet. - So I stared at the wall until it was time for bed. - I considered carving a canoe out of a tree trunk, but it seemed like a lot of work. CHECK!
080328 -- It's obvious what I need to do next. - But I'll let you tell me so you can maintain the illusion of value. - Stop being this way. I saw that coming a mile away.
080329 -- Dilbert says I'm predictable. Am I predictable? Gesundheit in advance. - Must...control sneeze. Must...not be...predictable. - MROOMPH! Yesterday I drew a picture of what this would look like.
080330 -- The security audit accidentally locked all of the developers out of the system. - Well, it is what it is. - How does that help? - You don't know what you don't know. - Congratulation. You're the first human to fail the Turing Test. - What does
080330 -- that mean. - Um... - It is what it is? Why didn't you say that in the first place?
080331 -- I'd like to give you a raise but I used the entire budget on a new coffee maker. - It's a nice one. - There's a talk that I paid too much for you.
080401 -- You must be the new coffee machine. - THOOP! - It's aggressive, but I like that in my coffee makers.
080402 -- Alice, I want you to interview a job candidate. Let me know what you think. - Why did you leave your last job? I punched my boss. - He's exactly what we need.
080403 -- My project is on hold. Do you need any help on yours? - Sure. Call these customers and tell them we can't deliver on time or with the features they need. - Do you have any tasks that *don't* feel like getting waterboarded on your birthday? And
080403 -- tell them the price went up.
080404 -- Mordac, The Preventer Of Information Resources Do you know how the system distinguishes between authorized and illegal access? - ZAP! - It doesn't.
080405 -- My boss sent me to represent him at this meeting. - Fuh-Fuh-Fuh Everything costs too much. Fuh-Fuh-Fuh We don't have enough resources! - That doesn't help us. Hey, I'm not the one who invited him.
080406 -- I planned to be productive this week. - I sent you an E-Mail with 25 questions I need answered before I can start on my project. - I waited patiently while your non-responsiveness crushed my hopes and dreams. - I don't have time to answer 25
080406 -- questions! - Well then, it appears we are at a standoff. - Okay, okay! I'll work all weekend answering your stupid questions!!! - That's great, unless you can't find the E-Mail I sent. - Did you really send an E-Mail? That's not how I roll.
080407 -- Wally, do you have the capital cost estimates I asked for last week? - No. I always ask you to clarify what you need, You say you'll get back to me but you never do. - Maybe I could clarify it now. That would ruin my system.
080408 -- YOU'RE FIRED! GAAA!!! - Not really. But now this 2% raise won't seem so bad. - This job is all about managing expectations.
080409 -- Greetings, Troglodytes. I am from the Millennium Generation. - I was forged in the digital age. I will use my knowledge of Myspace.Com and YouTube and E-Mail to rule this planet. BUWHA-HAHA!!! - Trash Wow, you're right. He doesn't have much
080409 -- upper body strength.
080410 -- Did you make the changes I asked for? That depends. - Do you remember what you asked me to change? - No. Yup, I made the changes.
080411 -- Heed my advice, Young Asok. Only an idiot finishes a project before the deadline. - The less time you give people to nitpick, the more time you have to pretend you are overworked. - Freedom is just another word for people finding out you're
080411 -- useless.
080412 -- Matt The Temp Our parking lot flooded after the big storm. - I need you to wade out there and find our drowned power cables. - He seems to fully embrace the temp concept. FZEET!
080413 -- Alice, I'm hoping we can work together on this project in the spirit of cooperation. - I'll have some ideas, and you'll have some ideas, and together we can pick the best ones. - Sure, that's one approach. - But I prefer to exhale deeply and
080413 -- roll my eyes while you prattle. - Then I will verbally demolish your ludicrous ideas, and dismantle your mistaken self-image as a competent man. - The carnage will create a striking contrast for the warm, clear glow of *my* brilliant ideas. -
080413 -- Later, I will round out the package by spreading amusing stories about how ignorant you are. - Is there any chance of doing it my way? Now watch the eyes.
080414 -- Loud Howard insists i�on using his speakerphone in his cubicle. You have to do something about it. - I'll move him to a private office that just became available. Problem solved. - GAAA!!! I need to punch you until we both forget what happened
080414 -- here. Spare the glasses.
080415 -- I want the entire staff to meet at 10 A.M. every day for a five-minute huddle. - We'll use this high-energy stand-up meeting to solve problems and share successes. - Who has a problem that can be solved in a minute? I'm tired. Can I sit on you?
080416 -- Who has some successes to share at our 5-minute daily huddle? - - Okay...are there any obstacles? Everything.
080417 -- You let Dilbert have two flat screen monitors in his cubicle. - I'm not the least bit envious, but I should point out that a worker with two monitors should be able to do twice as much work. - Did you know there are some advantages to having
080417 -- only one monitor?
080418 -- I want you to have the same emotional investment in this company as you have with your families. - I'm divorced. I'm single. I have never been kissed. - Mission accomplished.
080419 -- Thanks to marketing, sales have increased 100%! - Question: Are you asking a room full of engineers to be excited about a big percentage increase over a trivial base? - You leave me no choice but to give you the stink eye. Ow! Ow! Make it stop!
080420 -- I have an issue. Lordy lord. - No one in the department wants to be left out of the decision making. - But no one is willing to make a decision. - As a result, all of my problems are perpetual. - Can you do something about that? - I can appear
080420 -- to be concerned. How's this expression? - Can you combine that with some impractical advice and unwarranted optimism? - I'm frequently thwarted, but rarely disappointed.
080421 -- Beware of the power of Stink Eye, intern. I will make you bow to my will! GAAA!!! - Must...use...banned telekinetic powers to neutralize threat. grrrr!!! - You have a call from the Indian Institute Of Technology. It's someone from the Department
080421 -- Of Things You Shouldn't Do.
080422 -- Asok, you must return to the Indian Institute Of Technology to explain your illegal use of telekinesis. But, but... - POOF!! - Vijay, pants.
080423 -- Asok, you have violated the Indian Institute Of Technology's ban on the use of telekinesis in the ungifted world. - Your punishment is 30 years in the box. - Where were you this morning? grrrr
080424 -- The company has decided to explore strategic alternatives. - Is that another way to say the company is for sale and we'll all be fired by our new corporate overlords? - What answer will spark the least employee vandalism?
080425 -- We could only find one company in the galaxy willing to form a strategic alliance with us. - Admiral B'Tang-B'Tang is here to describe how we can help each other. FOOP! - Stop saying "foop," Ted.
080426 -- Dilbert, I need you to handle the due diligence for our alliance with the Galactic Protein Corporation. - Find out if they have any hidden issues we should know about. - Is this a bad time? Human Buns
080427 -- Who Thought of this idea? I came up with it all by myself. - My subordinates who have a healthy fear of losing their jobs, had nothing to do with it. Right? - We're not worth the oxygen we breathe. I don't even known why I'm here. - I asked
080427 -- because it's an awful idea. - You said I was stealing credit for a *good* idea, you lying liar!!! - Oh, wait. I read it wrong. This is actually a good idea. - Thanks. I knew I was a winner when I thought of it. - You gave him a good idea? Not
080427 -- intentionally. It must have been a typo.
080428 -- I recommend we cancel our planned merger. - They plan to open a chain of fast food restaurants using our employees as a source of protein. - If we always waited for the perfect situation, we'd never get anything done.
080429 -- Deus Ex Machina Services I need an improbable solution to a work problem. - Sure. I charge one million dollars for each improbable solution. - Okay, then I also need an improbable way to get things from you for free. Stop breaking my business
080429 -- model.
080430 -- You can thwart this unfriendly takeover by using something called a poison pill. - I keep one in my watch. I'll take it immediately. That's not... - I suppose I could feed your tainted CEO carcass to the executives of the other company. gurgle*
080501 -- I thwarted the hostile takeover bid, but your CEO died in the process. - I'll find you someone else to blather about quality while being grossly overpaid. - I like your look, but can you blather? Quality is my global added value!
080502 -- Our Alternative Fuel Division has found a way to turn fresh water into fuel! Water -> Fuel - Wouldn't that turn the world into an uninhabitable wasteland in the long run? - Not if someone finds a way to turn oil into water.
080503 -- You must be Dilbert. I'm the new guy on your project team. - What's that foul stench? It's the stink of failure. It follows me from project to project. - HOW DO I GET IT OFF?!! You can dilute it by shaking hands.
080504 -- Dilbert, I want you to be the lead developer on this project. - Don't check the other developers' work because it will make them angry. - That's okay, as long a s they do good work. - Actually, they do bad work. Very very bad work. - You are
080504 -- setting me up for certain failure. - If work were easy, no one would pay you to do it. - Okay. I'll go through the motions while hoping the project gets canceled for other reasons. - Keep up the bad work, Carl. Who told you?
080505 -- Can I count on your cooperation for the next phase of the project? No. - You emit the musky scent of failure. Women can detect that sort of thing. - Would a bath fix it? How long are you willing to stay submerged?
080506 -- I acquired the musky scent of failure. Do you have anything that can get rid of it? - Try being successful at something important. - I work in a fabric-covered box. Okay, then try rubbing this behind both ears.
080507 -- Use the CRS database to size the market. That data is wrong. - Then use the SIBS database. That data is also wrong. - Can you average them? Sure. I can multiply them too.
080508 -- I didn't have any accurate numbers so I just made up this one. $4,629,873 - Studies have shown that accurate numbers aren't any more useful than the ones you make up. - How many studies showed that? Eightyseven.
080509 -- The company decided to invest a billion dollars based on your stupid, made-up numbers. - You've crushed my dreams of a better tomorrow. Now my life is a cold, wet slide of oblivion. - I finally made a difference at work. How many victims?
080510 -- I cut the quality control budget to free up funds to increase our sales force. - So your strategy is to sell a larger quantity of defective products? - The quality will be fine. The tests will just take longer. So...it's an antique thing?
080511 -- Wally, I can't open that file you mailed. - Sounds like you need to upgrade your viewer application. - Which means you'll probably have to upgrade your operating system. - You'd better add some RAM while you're at it. - But it probably makes
080511 -- no sense to upgrade your old computer. This is a good time to get a new one. - How do I get a new computer? - It's easy. I'll send you a file that explains it. - Are you sending corrupted files to people again? Only if I think they deserve it.
080512 -- I need someone to make ten copies of this document. - Is there any risk that performing this task will make me appear less valuable? - I need someone to tell Copy Boy to get to work. erk *
080513 -- Our boss asked me to make some copies. - But I fear doing such a menial task will brand me as unimportant. - I was hoping you could make the copies for me since your career is already a bloated cadaver. - If I am reading your body language
080513 -- correctly, you are wondering "staple or not staple?"
080514 -- Where are those copies I asked you to make? I delegated that task to Carol. - This seems like a good time to take a personal half-day. - I have a good feeling about this.
080515 -- We just discovered that you assigned the same project to both of us a month ago. - Sometimes I do that when I think neither of you has more than a 50% chance of doing something right. - Hey, I just discovered something. Or 33.3%
080516 -- Do you have the approved vendor list? Hmmm, Alice and Asok asked for that list too. - Are you one of three people assigned to the same project because your boss believes none of you are reliable? - Maybe. Hmmm, and you're the last one to ask
080516 -- for the list.
080517 -- Before I get too invested in this conversation, tell me what you do for a living. - I'm one of three people my boss asked to do the same assignment because he deems all of us unreliable. - This is why I ask. The other two people are total
080517 -- losers.
080518 -- Alice, I can't give you the maximum raise because you don't respect other people's differences. - Why are you discriminating me for my intolerance? - If I am intolerant for some genetic reason, then I can't help it. - And if I'm intolerant
080518 -- because I can't learn to be otherwise, then obviously I have a learning problem. - Why is it acceptable for you to be an idiot but not acceptable for me to notice it? - You need to start appreciating me for my intolerance! - And while I'm at
080518 -- it, allow me to mention that a monkey's seat cushion has better views than what I'm looking at right now. - I'm not quite sure where to go with this. Ooh! Ooh! I have a suggestion.
080519 -- I worked all night to finish the assignment on time. - Toss it on the pile. - I'd feel better if you used a different choice of words. Plop it on the top.
080520 -- I'm not attracted to you, but I'd like to date you for one month. - That should be long enough to resolve any tech support issues on my home computer, cell phone and home theater. - Would there be any kissing? What kind of girl do you think I
080520 -- am?
080521 -- dilbert, when you come over tonight, wear your toolbelt. - Because it's sexy? - That would be between you and the squirrel that keep chewing the cable from my satellite dish.
080522 -- I fixed your satellite dish connection and tuned your surround sound system. Now can we go on our date? - That *was* our date. In ten minutes I'm dating a guy who will replace the water filter in my refrigerator. - I can do that. You're welcome
080522 -- to stay and fight him for it.
080523 -- I think my girlfriend is only dating me to get free tech support. I'm very surprised you think that. - Because it's unlikely? Because it shows self-awareness. - She might grow to love me. And...back to normal.
080524 -- My computer is broken. Indeed a new one. We don't have the budget. - Do things that don't require a computer until the next budget cycle. - Like churning my own butter? You make it sound creepy.
080525 -- Go to human resources for a psychological evaluation. - Why??? Have i said anything that is abnormal? - You're an engineer, everything you say is abnormal. - Question one: How many bodies are hidden in the crawl space under your house? - If
080525 -- they are hidden, how would I know? - Well, maybe you would smell them. - Not if they were wrapped in heavy plastic and sealed in concrete. - How'd it go? Not so good.
080526 -- Maybe I could use your laptop until we have the budget to get me a computer that works. - I might need my laptop. I *already* need it. - I need you to stop needing it. Well played.
080527 -- I didn't work on your request this week because my computer is broken and my company is too cheap to replace it. - I tried to borrow one, but the people I work with are a bunch of selfish tools. - Maybe I shouldn't take you on sales calls. So I
080527 -- built a tiny fort out of coffee stirrers.
080528 -- My only hope for productivity is to smuggle in my home laptop. - CLAMP CLAMP CLAMP - Now hand over the non-standard cell phone you keep in the elastic of your underpants.
080529 -- Catbert: Evil Director Of Human Resources I like to use role play to evaluate job applicants. - Pretend you're an unqualified loser. - Wow. You're totally nailing it.
080530 -- I will use role play to evaluate your management potential. - Imagine you are a turtle and you are being attacked by a hawk. - That's better than I expected. Thanks.
080531 -- Wally, are you busy? Yes, I'm reading the "in memoriam" section of our company newsletter. - When you're done, can you compile the beta test results? - Sure, Just as soon as I get the data from...Larry.
080601 -- I can't give you a raise because your project is behind schedule. - That's because the vendor delivered defective equipment. - It is your job to anticipate that  sort of problem and head it off. - It isn't possible to anticipate and head off
080601 -- every improbable event. - Well, you could have picked a more reliable vendor. - You told me to use this vendor because the sales guy took you golfing and bought you a hat. - Well, you should have seen that coming and burned down all hat
080601 -- factories a year ago. - He would have bribed you another way. That's what lazy people say.
080602 -- Wally, in the past month you've blamed your lack of productivity on seven dead people and three who never existed. - I used to blame living coworkers but it made the meetings awkward. - Whose fault is that? Here comes the awkward part.
080603 -- Wally, I enrolled you in a program to cure uselessness. - Your classmates will be a glass hammer and a bag of nothing. - Can I borrow a pen? Dude, no arms.
080604 -- I took a class to learn how to be less useless. - Now I carry twice as many coffee cups wherever I go. - Does that make you work faster? I only have two hands.
080605 -- I took a class on being less useless. Now I see the world in a different light. - For example, I recognize these staff meetings as colossal wastes of time, but there's nothing I can do about them. - Now my helplessness makes my uselessness seem
080605 -- unimportant.
080606 -- You won't read my technical report so I summarized it in this complicated slide. - If you stare at it long enough you will either experience the illusion of understanding it or be too embarrassed to admit you don't. - Do you have any questions
080606 -- to betray your ignorance? Is the triangle thing mad at the tube?
080607 -- The executive steering group took your recommendation to cancel all design projects. What?!! I didn't recommend that! - Uh-oh. Your poor communication skills have sowed the seeds of our destruction. Gaaa!!! - Am I an unclear communicator? Sic
080607 -- o'clock.
080608 -- I decided to produce a reality show about your life. What? - The cameras will follow you around and capture all of your failures humiliations. - Why would I agree to that? - Because you suffer from the dull ache of insignificance. - You can
080608 -- only fill the horrible void in your soul by fathering children or being famous. - Maybe I prefer to have children. - And maybe you prefer to flap your ears and fly to Mars. - Do you see where I'm going with this? bop Sorry.
080609 -- Asok, you never mentioned any issues this quarter, so I assume you didn't do any work. - OOOOH, LORDY LORD! OUR VENDORS ARE INCOMPETENT AND OUR CUSTOMERS ARE SUING US!!!! - Why can't you be more like that guy? SOMEONE PLEASE KILL ME!
080610 -- We've decided to write off 47 billion dollars in bad loans. - You might think this is my fault, but in actuality it is all cause by poor regulatory oversight. - Who is in favor of those guys taking a big pay cut? Anyone?
080611 -- Dogbert The Media Trainer Carefully choose your words when talking about the company's future. - For example, avoid comparisons to Abe Lincoln at Ford's Theatre, "Circling the drain," and anything involving flies. - And never, ever refer to the
080611 -- company as any kind of sandwich you wouldn't want to eat. That's my favorite one!
080612 -- Dogbert The Media Trainer Let's try a mock interview to see how you respond under pressure. - ARE YOU A STINKING WEASEL TRYING TO PASS AS HUMAN?!!! - What gave it away? Honestly, it was a lucky guess.
080613 -- I've decided that your tiny company will give us an interest-free loan. - There's no paperwork to sign. We'll just pay your invoices late while snortling. - This is the part where you realize your negotiating leverage is limited. I demand no
080613 -- snortling!
080614 -- My tiny company can't survive if you insist on paying our invoices late. - You should have thought of that before you decided to become a small company. - Come here for a second. Please...not the flyswatter.
080615 -- Ted, I have a funny story for you! - Why am I filled with a sense of foreboding? - So I was trying to print a long document, hee-hee! - But when I went to the printer, the document wasn't there! - For the next three days I kept trying and
080615 -- trying, but the document never showed up at the printer! - It turns out that I was checking the wrong printer. The right printer used $80,000 worth of paper that week. - And how does this affect me? - You and paper just became an either-or
080615 -- situation.
080616 -- Ted, I've decided to gossipsize you. - I'm spreading vicious rumors about you until you feel compelled to quit. - People are too smart to... PIPE DOWN, BABY EATER!
080617 -- I heard a rumor that you think a monkey could do my job. - DO YOU THINK A MONKEY COULD FLING THIS CORPORATE NEWSLETTER AT YOUR HEAD? - UNH!!! Is this a trick question?
080618 -- Dogbert's Rumor Control I need to squash a workplace rumor that I'm an idiot. - I charge $10 for each false rumor and $1,000 for any rumor I decide is true. - Sounds fair. Really? That just cost you $1,000.
080619 -- I'm from the Dogbert Rumor Control service. - People are saying Ted is an exotic male dancer on weekends. I know it isn't true because he spends all of his free time in a terrorist training camp. - Isn't that worse? I get paid per rumor. It's
080619 -- not a perfect system.
080620 -- Catbert: Evil Director Of Human Resources We've installed surveillance cameras to monitor your work. - It might seem like an unconscionable assault on your privacy, but you'll get used to it. - I'm already a little bit used to it. Used to what?
080621 -- We monitor all of your actions, but we suspect you are still doing non-work related thinking. - My lab assistant Trixie will attach sensors to your head and track all of your thoughts. - Mmm...Trixie, wear this while you wash my car. Engineers.
080622 -- Wally, what do you plan to do after you retire? - Retirement is for losers, Asok. - Winners keep their job but stop caring about the quality of their work. - I have no stress, free coffee, and I get paid, too. - Watch how this works. - Wally,
080622 -- can you give me some cost estimates for my project? I'm too busy. Ask Dilbert. - Doesn't this make you a worthless leech on society? - I'm pretty sure that the winner in that example is the leech.
080623 -- I'm off for two relaxing weeks of well-earned vacation. - ATTENTION TO ALL EMPLOYEES. THE STAIN IS ON THE MOVE. I REPEAT, THE STAIN IS ON THE MOVE. YIPPEE! WOOHOO! YES! Relaxing just got harder.
080624 -- I'm in charge while our boss is on vacation. When can you format some reports for me? - I'll send you a link to a widget that shows the temperature in Satan's fireplace. When it hits 32� Fahrenheit, I'll get right on it. - And I was worried
080624 -- that the power would go to my head. Not as fast as this stapler will.
080625 -- I'm in charge while our pointy-haired boss is on vacation. - I expect each of you to be professional and productive during this time. - Nice lying. I practiced in front of a mirror.
080626 -- Is everything okay since I left for vacation? Better than ever. - Counterproductive policies have been eliminated, and we are no longer victims of ignorance. - Man, I don't like the sound of that.
080627 -- I need you to attend a meeting for your boss while he's on vacation. - I plan to bully you into making decisions that are bad for your department. - It's almost as if you have no respect for me. Yeah, almost.
080628 -- Filling In For The Pointy-Haired Boss Does your department need its entire budget this year? - No, we'll waste most of it on empire building and appearing to work on trendy things. - All in favor of cutting this guy's budget in half? I CALL
080628 -- DO-OVER! DO OVER!
080629 -- Our CEO decided to eliminate employee bonuses. - The savings will be used to produce an in-house movie to inspire you. - Inspire us to what? - For starters, we'd like you to be happy about being underpaid. - Our fun-loving executives will wear
080629 -- festive costumes and sing about the virtues of poverty. - The movie is called "The sound of no money." - The premiere is on our CEO's yacht. He wants all of you to be there. - We're invited to his yacht? - The yacht runs on whale oil, so bring
080629 -- a harpoon.
080630 -- Whatcha got going there? It's a particle accelerator. - I'm looking for evidence of the antiworld that physicist Paul Dirac predicted in 1930. - Hello, handsome!
080701 -- I created an Anti-Dilbert, but I don't know how to prevent him from being annihilated by matter when he leaves the vacuum. - If *you* don't know how to do it, and he's the Anti-You, that means *he* knows how. - Matterscreen, SPF 50. Duh.
080702 -- My particle accelerator brought an antimatter Dilbert into this world. - Everything he thinks is opposite of what I think. - Why did you bring him here? You're like his Oprah. Hold me.
080703 -- In my alternate universe, the one we call Wally is a billionaire entrepreneur and adventurer. - No one has seen him since he tried to swim to the south pole. - In my universe, evolution kills the strong. Sounds like he had it coming.
080704 -- I'm the Antimatter Dilbert. If my thin film of matterscreen washed off, I would come in contact with matter and be annihilated. - SLOOSH! KABOOM! - Once again, my first instinct wasn't the best.
080705 -- You know that antimatter version of yourself that you brought to work? - I killed him with a cup of coffee. I think he enjoyed it. Because he's, like, opposite. - But enough about me. How's *your* day going?
080706 -- Some of us are going for a drink after work. Would you like to join us? - Nice try, but I know how this scam works. - You're trying to lull me into a false sense of safety with a group activity. - But we both know the other people will
080706 -- mysteriously never show up. - Then it's just you and me on what looks like a date. - How many people do I have to invite before you believe some of them will show up? - Well, given the disparity in our levels of attractiveness, I'd say
080706 -- thirty-five. Can do. - Not *one* other person showed? I only invited women who are more suspicious than you.
080707 -- Alice, did you make those code changes yet? - No. I find your specifications to be vague and uncompelling, they are a breeding ground for ennui. - Is there any way I can cheer you up? Maybe if something awful happened to you.
080708 -- Welcome to Dogbert's Seminar On Time Management And Evolution. - The key to good time management is skipping unimportant tasks. - In module two, I will show you that everything you do is unimportant because your genes are a dead end.
080709 -- Dogbert The Time Management Expert Never put time into an activity that has no potential benefit. - For example, why bother putting on makeup if you're going to wear that hideous outfit? - That's like knitting a sweater for a dead squirrel.
080710 -- Dogbert The Time Management Expert I can tell by looking at you that it doesn't matter what you do with your time. - I don't think you'll be curing cancer if I give you a few extra hours per week. - In fact, it would probably increase your
080710 -- chances of *getting* it. - Are we done? I need a smoke.
080711 -- Your salary is already above the midpoint for your pay range. - Excuse me while I remove a sock to explain what will happen to your pay going forward. - Let's say the sock is inflation and my hand is your paycheck.
080712 -- I'm thinking about getting a master's degree in business so I can get promoted to management. - How long does it take to learn to be less useful? - Three years of night classes. Hold still and I'll save you three years.
080713 -- Wally, how do you keep up with all the changes in technology? - Chasing knowledge is a fool's game, Asok. - I use experience to answer questions without the burden of knowledge. Observe. - Wally, if we upgrade our servers, would that solve our
080713 -- network problem? - If the problem is the servers, yes. - - I'll ask someone else. - There goes another satisfied customer.
080714 -- Where am I? What happened? - Someone hit you with a rock. - The swelling in your prefrontal cortex will make you care less about hurting people, thus making you a natural leader. - There's also a bump on the *back* of my head. That's so you
080714 -- don't remember who threw the rocks.
080715 -- My doctor says everything is fine except for the part of my brain that controls morality. - GASP! The management prophesies are true. You must be the one they call... - THE NATURAL?!! He glows from within.
080716 -- I can't put you on the management fast track until I confirm that your moral compass is broken. - A nun, a CEO and a scientist are in a burning building. You can only save one of them. Which one do you save? - Is there time for a bidding war?
080716 -- Oh, you're good.
080717 -- I hear your moral compass is damaged and you're being groomed for upper management. - SPLASH! - Was that wrong? Because I can't tell.
080718 -- It has come to my attention that your moral compass is damaged. - I'm promoting you to vice president of making employees feel miserable and helpless. - That's a actual job? It doesn't happen on its own.
080719 -- Dilbert's Moral Compass Is Damaged My new job is to make employees feel miserable and helpless. - Here's a chart that shows the sort of women that are attracted to men at various salary ranges. - Trophy wives are the top, obviously, and down in
080719 -- your range we have the carnival skanks.
080720 -- Why have you failed to accomplish any of your objectives this quarter? - Well, I took the objectives you gave me and put them into three categories. - The first group includes physical impossibilities, such as being in two places at the same
080720 -- time. - The second group includes logical impossibilities, such as anticipating unforeseen problems. - Last, we have the illegal objectives, including industrial spying and consumer fraud. - So I spent my time doing things that are both
080720 -- important and legal, while hoping you wouldn't fire me for it. - Whoa, what just happened? Is it my imagination, or did I just win this conversation? - It was my imagination.
080721 -- My moral compass has healed. Can I keep my new job in management? - I'd like to use my position of power to narrow the gap between executive and worker pay. -
080722 -- My CEO threw me through a fifth-floor window. I'd like to press charges. - Your CEO? Do you think he would hire me to do security on his yacht? No. - Would he hire me if I club you with this stick-thing? Maybe.
080723 -- Maybe later you can give me a back rub with your good hand. - I don't have a good hand. But one of my elbows doesn't hurt too much. - I feel like you're not even trying to make me happy.
080724 -- I need some sympathy. - I'm so sorry your face looks like that. - My face isn't injured. Well, excuse me for being thorough.
080725 -- I need to find a support group for people who have my same problem. - Type "thrown out of a fifth floor window by a CEO who will escape justice." - Look who doesn't have a broken leg. Do you think you're better than us?
080726 -- Did you deliver those legal papers to my CEO? No, I served him. - It means the same thing. How could it?. No, really, it does. Now I feel bad about double faulting.
080727 -- Asok, I won't have time to hold your hands on this project. - You need to work indepently. - And by that I mean you should imagine what I would tell you to do, then do it. - But...I can only imagine you telling me stupid things. - Holy shiva!
080727 -- This is a trap! - My choices are failure or insubordination. - My only hope is that I'm in one of those hidden camera shows and this is all a big joke on me. - Find anything? Can't...stop...looking.
080728 -- Will you represent me in my lawsuit against my CEO? Under one condition. - You must do everything I ask, without question or hesitation. What if you tell me to do painful things for your amusement? If?
080729 -- Jury Selection You with the big eyebrows, are you as dumb as you look? - I'm not sure. I don't remember what I look like. - Okay, you're in. And on an unrelated note, I'm the only person who ever loved you.
080730 -- Where were you on the day that Dilbert was pushed out of your office window? - I was directly behind him, in this position, yelling "Die, die, die!" - The first question is just practice, right?
080731 -- We find in favor of the plaintiff dude. - There was some discussion about which one is the plaintiff - the company guy or the weasel. - But we were unanimous in not wanting to be here any longer. Aye!
080801 -- How much do I owe you in legal fees for helping me win my lawsuit? - My fee is 100% of the jury award plus I get to call you names that sound worse than they are. - That doesn't seem fair. You're an analog.
080802 -- I've been away from work so long. I wonder if anything has changed. - You weren't here when we moved to new cubicles so your coworkers picked one for you. -
080803 -- Ted, your position is being eliminated. - What? You never told me there was anything wrong with my performance! - It's not about your performance. Your *position* is being eliminated. - Well, that seem s mighty convenient. - This way you can
080803 -- replace me without explaining why I never got a bad performance review. - Is this just a trick to make you feel less awkward while firing me? - I thought you said he'd be gone by now. - Is there any comfort in knowing your replacement is
080803 -- totally hot?
080804 -- Health problems and absenteeism are a huge cost to this business. So? - So give me a raise, or I'll eat unhealthy food and avoid all forms of exercise. - You already do those things. How could you possibly know that?
080805 -- Employee wellness programs save money in the long run, but that does you no good. - You need a program that can save you money now, when it makes a difference. - a hellness program? I don't like the sound of that. Try to see the big picture for
080805 -- once.
080806 -- Catbert: Evil Director Of Human Resources Our concern for your wellness is related to your job performance. - Obviously you won't be getting an ergonomically correct chair any time soon. - And feel free to type as hard as you want.
080807 -- Welcome to "Dogbert's Financial Bakery." How may I abuse you? - We shipped zero units this quarter. Can you cook our books? Of course. - Will anyone know? Sometimes the footnotes smell like actual feet.
080808 -- I cooked all the books by assuming your pension fund will earn 15% per year. Pension Fund 15% - Technically you aren't crooks, just optimists. - If you hear a whistling noise, that would be your soul escaping through your nose. tweet! mmph!
080808 -- tweet!
080809 -- My security software kept insisting that I download critical updates. - I didn't have time to do all that, and I couldn't risk using my computer without critical updates. It was a no-win situation. - Did you accomplish anything this week? What
080809 -- part of "no-win" is confusing you?
080810 -- We can't move forward until you get input from Allen. - And that won't be easy. Allen is an amorphous cloud of gas. - He once was human like us. - Allen was afraid to give his opinion or to make a decision. - He put so much effort into avoiding
080810 -- commitment that his molecules stopped binding together. - Now he exists as nothing but a subtle odor near the copier room. - How can I get his input? Don't make me micromanage you. - Allen? Is that you? Sorry.
080811 -- My smartest employees keep disagreeing with me. - Which is weird because great minds usually think alike. They must be slipping. - Sometimes I think I'm not arrogant enough.
080812 -- I'm addicted to our online job posting system. - It helps me fantasize about having a job I could enjoy. - oooh! This can't be good.
080813 -- How long have you been addicted to ogling online job positions? - It started when I realized my current job is like a dung beetle trying to mate with an epileptic cow. - That imagery is disturbing. I know, right?
080814 -- I don't need to know the details. Just give me the high altitude view. - From a high altitude we're all a bunch of termites trying to eat the same log. - Maybe drill down a little more. The termites hate each other.
080815 -- I never have enough information to make an informed decision. - But that's okay because I'm a good judge of people. - Can you approve this? Baby puncher.
080816 -- The company will be using less air conditioning to reduce expenses. - To compensate, we're loosening up the dress code. Shorts will now be allowed. - I'm not going to update my shorts wardrobe until I know this will last.
080817 -- Find out what the users want before you build it. - Why are you explaining my job to me as if I'm an idiot? - It's called managing. - I assume you're dumb because you work harder than I do and earn less money. - And my boss would fire me if I
080817 -- just sat in my office and did nothing. - So I wander around and say obvious things to you idiots until quitting time. - Then I go home and eat until my underpants don't fit. - Thanks for asking.
080818 -- We're rethinking our policy of allowing shorts during the heat wave. - Until we sort that out, I've been asked to cover you with a tarp. - I should have fought for eye holes.
080819 -- I want to improve our reputation in the community by donating money to the needy. - Find me a photogenic hobo who could use a million dollars. - I'm looking for a hobo who could use a million dollars. - Sorry, we're tramps.
080820 -- My company sent me to give money to a hobo. It's our way of helping the local community. - I'm authorized to give a million dollars to one of you. How do you decide which one? - Maybe you could fight for it. Say "Go."
080821 -- Our charitable giving has caused some unintended consequences. - It sparked a hobo war. The east side of the city is in flames. - Well, it could be worse. They tasted human flesh, and they like it.
080822 -- As requested, I fit my presentation on one Powerpoint slide. - I had to use all of the white space, but I think it was worth it to fit everything on one page. - It's actually only one bullet point, but it's a long one.
080823 -- Elbonian spies stole my laptop and all of our confidential data. - But don't worry, because I placed a virus in there that will destroy their morale and their hope. - I believe you call it your "business plan."
080824 -- I'm going to a seminar that will teach me how to make a million dollars! - It's a scam. How could you know that? - I haven't even told you the name of the seminar! - You can't be sure it is a scam if you know none of the details. - You just
080824 -- want to crush my hopes so I become like you. - But it won't work because I have dreams! I won't be a bitter and broken cynic like you two! - I'll have the last laugh after I pay my nominal fee and learn how to "turn a hundred dollars into a
080824 -- million." - Invest $100 at 5% interest and wait 190 years. Thanks for coming.
080825 -- Elbonia Our spies stole this laptop from an employee named Dilbert. - Ha ha! We will find his company's secrets and use them! heh-heh. - Six Months Later Do you remember mittens? I loved having mittens. Shut up!
080826 -- Leaning? What's that got to do with sitting? - I remember, when *sitting there* meant something. I'm going to give them a piece of my mind. - Frankly, we ran out of things to say about sitting. I FIND THAT HARD TO BELIEVE!
080827 -- This week I focused on ergonomics. - I kept my guts moist so they wouldn't bunch up. - I don't think that is ergonomics. Tell that to my dried-up spleen.
080828 -- Company Lawyer Can you turn a simple agreement into impenetrable gibberish? - Absolutely. I can also leave a sour taste in everyone's mouth and make you want to choke me with my suspenders. - If you exercise and eat right, you might still be
080828 -- alive when I finish it. Good enough.
080829 -- I just finished a contract I started during the Miocene epoch. - ...assuming this hoof fossil is a signature. - These things can't be rushed.
080830 -- Today is Shelly's birthday. We should make her feel special. - Do you still have that random stack of birthday cards you got on sale last year? I'm all over it. - She likes pets. The closest thing you have is an elf. Draw whiskers on it.
080831 -- Wally, where do you think you're going? - It's only four o'clock. - What a strange thing to say. Did anyone care how many hours a week Beethoven worked? - Genius can't be scheduled. - Judge me by accomplishments, not the number of hours i spend
080831 -- at the office. - Okay, fine. What did you accomplish today? - I just taught you how to become a better manager. - What? Did you think it was going to happen on its own?
080901 -- Job Interview Would you tell me bad news even if you knew it would upset me? - Yes, I would. - Why would I hire someone who hates me?
080902 -- Alice, there's no budget to give you a raise, but I'll give you something that is just as good. - I promise that if you quit on me I will give you a bad job reference and you will never work again. - HOW IS THAT JUST AS GOOD AS A RAISE? Try to
080902 -- see it from my point of view.
080903 -- We will be adopting the best practices in our industry, just like everyone else. Bes Practices - If everyone is doing it, best practices is the same as mediocre. - STOP MAKING MEDIOCRITY SOUND BAD! Sorry.
080904 -- Hello, Alice. I'm the ghost of the popular employee who once did your function. - My body has gone to a better job, but my spirit remains to remind everyone how mean you are in comparison. - GAAA! GAAA! GAAA! Nice try, but you can only kill me
080904 -- with kindness.
080905 -- Alice, when will I get your cost estimates? When will your one eyebrow turn into two? - Is that the ghost of the guy who used to have your job? He makes you look bad because he was *always* helpful. - If you're so helpful, tell me how to kill
080905 -- you. Dang... Try garlic and a shop-VAC.
080906 -- Catbert: Evil Director Of Human Resources We're instituting a mandatory stretch period every day. - This is surprising because human resources usually doesn't care about employee wellness. - Phase One is just to get you good and flexible. Phase
080906 -- Two involves a new place to tuck your head.
080907 -- I reject your proposal. - Is there any particular reason this time? - At my level of management I don't have the authority to approve anything important. - But I do have the authority to reject things. - If I don't reject proposals, there's
080907 -- nothing for me to do. - If I do nothing I'll get fired. I might never get another job. I could starve to death. - So I have to reject everything you propose or else I might die. - What am I supposed to do now? Can you rephrase that question in
080907 -- the form of a proposal?
080908 -- Ted got promoted, so I'm collecting money for a cake. - He'll be grossly overpaid compared to us. Buying him cake will exacerbate the unfairness. - He has high cholesterol. Here's a Dollar.
080909 -- I have saved a fortune by personally negotiating the contract for our new ERP system. - You bought outdated hardware and forgot several components that are required. - And I like software with my hardware, but that's just me.
080910 -- We inadvertently bought an entire ERP system without any software. Now we're out of money. - Why do I suddenly feel as if my boat is sinking and someone nailed an anchor to my head? - If only someone on my staff could write the software in his
080910 -- spare time... glub glub glub
080911 -- My task is impossible unless I use my forbidden powers. - Would anyone notice if I had a third arm for a few hours? - I lost my intellectual curiosity just in time.
080912 -- I worked around the clock and finished a project that would normally require ten programmers. - Um...did I just establish a new baseline expectation that will turn my job into a tragic death march? - It's time to set some stretch goals. STUPID!
080912 -- STUPID! STUPID!
080913 -- I seem to have left my purse at home. I won't be able to pay you. - I PUT THE CURSE OF COMPETENCE ON YOUR FIRSTBORN SON! That doesn't sound so bad. - Years later I need a little help. GAAA! WHY ALWAYS ME?!
080914 -- We have a little problem with our new cell phone product. - It gives off a form of radiation that has a negative effect on the user. - How bad is it? - Well, it makes your head turn red, and you lose weight. - Hey, what is up with our new cell
080914 -- phone? I feel different. - Can I borrow your friend? I don't see why not. - AAAIII!!! GLUB GLUB GLUB . Anyway, see if you can put a positive spin on it.
080915 -- The inflation rate in Elbonia climbed to a billion percent. - Quickly hand me the potato and I'll tell my cousin in Philmsk to let go of the other end of my money. - Make it snappy. BRADLEY! I HAVE THE POTATO!
080916 -- Elbonian Inflation Reaches A Billion Percent, Daily Fetid Water! Is this enough for a small? - A minute ago, yes. Now it costs a hundred times more. Problem solved.
080917 -- And then she acted as if I have no right to my opinion! - Is the point of this conversation to convey useful information, or just to make yourself feel better at my expense? Maybe we're bonding. Maybe not.
080918 -- Ted, I know you said your head would explode if I ask you to do one more thing, but... - POW! - Cleanup on aisle three.
080919 -- Wally, can you eat quieter? crunch crunch mmmph grunch gulp - You sound like an asthmatic rhinoceros rampaging a cracker festival. mmmph erm crunch crunch - GAAA!!! NOT THE BEVERAGE! Prepare slurper! Boop!
080920 -- We're out of coffee. - Can you give me a false sense of urgency and some unnecessary stress to compensate? - Finish our project before our CEO stops by on Tuesday. - Perfect. I'll see you this afternoon for a second cup.
080921 -- Please introduce yourself by saying your name and who you work for. - My name is Erin and I work for Sue Boysenberry. - Wow, lucky. I hear she's great. Can you give her my resume? - One minute later I'm so sorry. You must cry a lot. - If you
080921 -- ever need to talk to someone, I know a good shrink. - He can prescribe pills that will make you feel self-employed. - Be strong. We'll all pray for you. - Next.
080922 -- Dogbert's Tech Support Please hold while I escalate your complaint about my service. - Hallow. Dis ees Dogbert's sooperbiser. You are a stupid, stupid looser. - Okay. Pleeze hoold while I escooolade eben furder.
080923 -- How can you say my trouble ticket is resolved when I still have the problem??! - Resolved is a catch-all term that can mean a shift change, escalation, or even an accidental disconnect. - So...you escalated it? *click
080924 -- Andy has been appointed our Director of Green. - Director of Green? How do you get a job like that? - You start by being the director of something else and screwing it up.
080925 -- Director Of Green Turn off your computer while you're thinking. - That's stupid. - If it weren't stupid, you wouldn't need me to tell you to do it.
080926 -- Director Of Green We should rethink our product packaging. What's wrong with it? - We're using endangered species. Only the unpopular ones. - Still, it's a lot of packaging for a DVD.
080927 -- Director Of Green We've been pumping toxic waste into the water supply for years. - Yesterday, a giant, mutated alligator destroyed out only competitor's factory. - Now that karma has been discredited, what else can we pollute? The sky's the
080927 -- limit.
080928 -- Hi, I'm a customer of your commercial sales division. - I heard you would be the best person to answer a technical question... - I don't work in that division. - I know. It's just a quick question. - If I tell you something different from what
080928 -- the commercial division tells you, I'll get in trouble. - But I'll also get in trouble for not helping a customer. - My safest course of action is to fake my own death. - You're a bad actor. It isn't polite to insult the dead.
080929 -- An Elbonian company bought our company yesterday. What? - They promise they won't discriminate against non-Elbonians. - Hey, hatless spawn of Satan's bowels, put a head on this.
080930 -- I assure you that your new Elbonian management will not discriminate against non-Elbonians. - Doesn't your belief system hold that all non-Elbonians are on the same level as livestock? - Someone is starting off on the wrong hoof with his new
080930 -- supervisor.
081001 -- The Cow Supervisor I overcame a lot of bias against cows to get this job. - People think that a cow with strong leadership skills is just a jerk. - Is that what *you* think, Baldy? Huh? Do you? Do you? Um...I'll say no.
081002 -- Cow Supervisor Try not to think of me as a cow who happens to be your supervisor. - Think of me as your bovine overlord, the ursurper of your position in the food chain. - I'd be lying if I said that didn't make it feel kind of cool. SAY YOU'D
081002 -- DIE FOR ME!
081003 -- I got an Elbonian makeover, now no one can tell I'm bald and chinless. - The hat even makes me look taller. I think this will help my career. - Take a minute to drink this in. I just found my new VP of finance!
081004 -- Wally Is The New VP Of Finance I moved all of our cash to a secret offshore bank. - But I forgot to write down the account number. Or the password. Or the name of the country. - And...I'm not entirely sure it was a bank. First day, not so good.
081005 -- Dogbert Consultant I've been identified to hire the most important goals of your organization. - How will you do that? - I'll ask you what they are, and you'll tell me. - Then I'll put your answers on a Powerpoint slide. - Next week I'll show
081005 -- you the slide and tell you to focus on your most important goals. - Then I'll get paid. Because that's *my* most important goal. - WOO-HOO! CHA-CHING! CHA-CHING! CHA-CHING! - I lead by example.
081006 -- A corporate raider has offered to buy our company for nine dollars. - We should ask for more. He's a tough negotiator. - Now it's only eight dollars? And I want you to do something in your hat.
081007 -- A corporate raider bought the company and sold off all the assets. - Well, he can sell our assets but we still have our brains and our spirits! - And the brains go to Mutobu the Impaler. Our next auction is for their spirits.
081008 -- There is an ugly rumor that I sold your brains to cannibals and your spirits to demons. - BU-WA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!! - Did you? You seem a bit unclear on the whole bu-wa-ha-ha concept.
081009 -- Vijay The Venture Capitalist We're going into the solar panel business. - CHA-CHING! CHA-CHING! - Pretend you didn't see that when I negotiate my equity.
081010 -- Our investors want to see the solar panel you invented. I didn't invent any solar panels. - Show them something else. They won't know the difference. - It looks like a ham sandwich. I was assured that you're stupid.
081011 -- We invested $100 million in your solar technology and all you developed was this ham sandwich. - If you feed that ham sandwich to a rickshaw driver, he can pedal you all over town. - You call that *solar* power? Try growing a pig without the
081011 -- sun.
081012 -- Would it be okay if I talked to a potential customer? - No. You're not in sales. I need you to focus on your project. - I already talked to them. Is it okay if I arrange a demo? - No. Only the sales teams arrange demos. - I already gave the
081012 -- demo. - Is it okay if I convince them to buy $40 million of our product? - No, because you won't succeed. - Here's their letter of intent. - You shouldn't slap yourself now. Yes, I...wait. Nice try.
081013 -- Dogbert The CEO My salary is 400 times more than yours. - My goal is to jack that up to 410, maybe 420. - I hate you for this. So you admit you're selfish?
081014 -- Dogbert The CEO I earn 420 times what you make. That means I'm 420 times smarter. - Actually, it means the system is deeply flawed. - If you were 420 times smarter, you wouldn't be contradicting your boss right now.
081015 -- Dogbert The CEO Our investors are not happy that you bought a helicopter. - Or that you only use it to keep birds off the building. - Or that the parking lot is filling up with beaks and feathers. I can't please everyone.
081016 -- Dogbert The CEO Start some rumors, spread some lies... - Wait for the stock to pop up...exercise my stock options...*bang*! - How did people steal before computers?
081017 -- I am stepping down as CEO so I can spend more time with the money I stole from this hellhole. - I need you and you to carry big bags of cash to my helicopter. - The worst part is that if he ever writes a book, I'll probably buy it.
081018 -- Dogbert The Philanthropist If I give a man a fish, he will eat for one day. - But if I inspire him by my opulent lifestyle and my squiring of supermodels, he might try harder. - You can't stop giving. It's like a curse.
081019 -- Anyway, that's what I think should be done. - IDEA SQUIRREL! - WHAT? WHAT? - The idea squirrel steals your ideas and treats you like a nut for saying they were yours! - What do I do now? - Your only hope is to tackle him before he gets to our
081019 -- boss's office. - GAAA!!! grrr... - Why is the squirrel that always has great ideas fighting with that nut? ow! ow! ow!
081020 -- Can your phone do this? Let me see. - BAM! BAM! BAM! - Can your hammer do that?
081021 -- And I need you to design a logo for our prototype. - We don't do that. We're the graphics support department. Talk to the graphics production department. - They create logos? No, they tell people we do it.
081022 -- Our graphics department is too busy to help me and won't  approve outside services. - They're forcing me to fail so they can justify a bigger budget next year. - If you need me, I'll be in my cubicle trying to imagine what futility doesn't feel
081022 -- like.
081023 -- Our graphics department made this logo for my project. - In retrospect, I shouldn't have badgered them to finish quickly. - Please don't judge my competence by my logo. Too late.
081024 -- The quality of your graphics casts a dark shadow across all of your work. - Your logo stimulates the parts of my brain responsible for revulsion and dread. - ONLY DEATH CAN RELEASE ME! So...bad graphics...what else?
081025 -- Can you give me some comments on my business plan? Sure. - Your plan is a hodgepodge of unwarranted optimism encased in an impenetrable fortress of buzzwords. - Would you like to read it? There's that unwarranted optimism again.
081026 -- I call my invention a carbicle. - It's 50% car, 50% cubicle, and 100% awesome. - It's the ultimate expression of human efficiency. - Rarely does an engineer get to create something so perfect that it can never be improved. - I hesitate to use
081026 -- the word "genius," but I won't protest if others do. - You should cram a bed in there. - - Shut up. You shut up.
081027 -- Your project is not sexy. - I'm transferring all of your funding to a project that totally arouses me. - That's something they don't cover in business school.
081028 -- We need a plan for making our plan. - then wen need to plan the plan's planny plan. - Have you seen this man? Sigh. There goes another employee of the month.
081029 -- Some people see me as a loser who achieves nothing. - In reality I am a winner who knows how to set realistic goals. - So you're sort of a genius. And yet my only goal was to have a pulse.
081030 -- Ted, you can keep your job but your office is being moved 50 miles away. - Gosh, I guess I could drive another 50 miles each way. - How about a hundred?
081031 -- I'd like to thank our CEO for coming to our meeting. - You said everyone would be wearing costumes today. I'm unreliable. - I kind of hate you now. Geez, who moved *your* cheese?
081101 -- Change is good. - Then why do most startups fail? - I only take questions at the end. There's *more*?
081102 -- Where are you going with that fish? - I'm going to microwave it. - That will stink up the office and make it impossible for anyone else to enjoy life. - Isn't there something else you could eat? - I'm not going to eat it. I just like to
081102 -- microwave things that smell bad. - After I stopped caring about my job performance, it was a slippery slope to complete sociopathy. - It's a liberating feeling. I can't remember the last time I felt bad. - Do you have an extra fish?
081103 -- Your resume is lame, but you're tall, so you must be competent. - You're hired. Let me show you around. - I'm what you call a good judge of people.
081104 -- Does anyone know the root cause of our project's failure? - I'm a determinist, so I'd have to say the problem goes back to the origin of the universe. - Why are you like this? My cubicle destroyed my illusion of free will.
081105 -- I'm here for an interview in a conference room named... - "where hope goes to die" - It's the first one past "the rectangle of futility."
081106 -- Catbert: Evil Director Of Human Resources I've seen your resume and I sense desperation. - Our janitor recently passed away, so I have a job for you. - You want me to clean toilets? No, I want you to bury the janitor.
081107 -- I saw this shirt and I had to get it for you. - We've had one date and you're buying me a shirt? That's kind of creepy. - What? Is it made from your ex-boyfriend's skin?
081108 -- Our plan is to beg for a government bailout. - It's good for everyone because otherwise our bloated carcass will blot the sun. - We have cookies and lemonade in the back.
081109 -- Our project plan will follow the usual arc. - Phase one will be unwarranted optimism supported by delusions of competence. mmm - In phase two, the obstructionists will slither out of their liars and try to smother our dreams. - Ignorance and
081109 -- envy will fuel rumors that get repeated until they morph into common knowledge. - Resources will be allocated based on misinformation and favoritism. - And requirements will drift until the project is both undesirable and impossible. - That
081109 -- brings us to the second week. - I want my unwarranted optimism back.
081110 -- Our spam filter has become self-aware. - It's managing the company by deciding which messages to allow through. - All I'm getting is E-Mail about hair growth and...ooh, another lucky guess.
081111 -- Our spam filter became self-aware. It rewrote our business plan. - It wants us to build an army of indestructible robots. - And the new org chart is out. It looks like you report to...the microwave.
081112 -- Do you really think it's a good idea to build killer robots just because your spam filter ordered you? - FZEEET! - What's the worst thing that could happen?
081113 -- Our robots have gone on a murderous rampage. - I'll put that issue on the agenda for our next meeting. - Ha ha! You're an issue!
081114 -- Our robots went bad. They're on a murderous rampage. I'll take care of it. - Hey, Alice. Guess who says your hair is unfashionable and you're overpaid? Robots. - Little help, please. My fist of death is stuck.
081115 -- Tell me an interesting story. - Our spam filter became self-aware and ordered us to build an army of killer robots. My coworker, Alice, punched them all to death. - I'm not even *in* that story.
081116 -- Is it my imagination or am I doing your job, plus mine? - That's not your imagination, Asok. - It's a little thing I call experience. - Once a week, I E-mail our pointy-haired boss and ask him a question. - I make the question so complicated
081116 -- that it hurts his brain. ow! ow! ow! - He'll spend the rest of the week avoiding me so he doesn't need to think about it. - Meanwhile he seeks out team players and hammers them with new projects. - So...experience is a form of evil? Not always.
081116 -- Some people squander it.
081117 -- I modified the dress code to require wearing company shirts on casual Fridays. - That should lower our employees' self-esteem until they stop complaining about earning less than the industry average. - Why do I feel overpaid today?
081118 -- I don't think I have your full attention. - It's Asok's turn to listen. If you say anything useful, he'll send us an instant message. - He's asleep. He's employing heuristics.
081119 -- Catbert: Evil Director Of Human Resources Laptops are banned from all meetings. - The only that should be in your mind during meetings are soul-crushing boredom and a futility headache. - That's more like it.
081120 -- I want to be productive, but the Internet is calling to me. psst! - Hey, buddy. I've got pictures of gadgets. - Cool ones? Sure, let's pretend that matters.
081121 -- I'm addicted to the Internet because it's more interesting than people. - Is there a pill you can give to everyone else to make them more interesting? - Doctors never want to treat the underlying problem.
081122 -- This conversation has a low entertainment value. - Let's just use our phones to surf the Internet, and call it a date. - I don't use the phrase "perfect woman" often... shhh
081123 -- Let's figure out a timeline for deployment. - Ted is the only one who knows anything about that, and he's on vacation. - Let's see how far we can get without Ted. - You mean without knowledge or insight? - We can make reasonable assumptions. -
081123 -- Or we could wait for Ted to come back tomorrow and ask him. - I CALLED THIS MEETING AND IT'S NOT A MEETING UNTIL SOMEONE'S TIME GETS WASTED! - I apologize for my efficiency. Apology accepted.
081124 -- As I gazed at my bacon and eggs this morning, I realized... - ...the chicken contributed, but the pig was committed. I am so clever. - If I promise to work like a dead pig, can I go home early?
081125 -- Who are we waiting for? Alice. She has poor time managing skills. - But she'll try to dress it up by saying she's in high demand. - Why do I suddenly feel the coldness of the grave?
081126 -- Catbert: Evil Director Of Human Resources Alice beat me up. You have to do something. - Here's a book on how to deal with difficult coworkers. - This isn't quite what... Try holding it in front of your face.
081127 -- We need to make drastic budget cuts. - Let's not get all dramatic. Just tell me how much to cut and I'll make it happen. - On the plus side, the buzzards seem selective.
081128 -- I realize things look bleak after the budget cuts. - But remember, it's always the darkest before the undead feast on your flesh. - Because they don't like light. WE GET IT!!!
081129 -- After Budget Cuts It might seem bleak now, but things will turn around... - As soon as the public starts loving poorly made products that are relevant to a bygone era. - In the meantime, who has organs that are still healthy enough to sell on
081129 -- the black market?
081130 -- Uh-oh. I don't understand a word of this. - What did other people say about it? - A few people quibbled about the methodology. - Right, well, yes, the methodology does have a few issues. - Can you be more specific? - I bought some crickets to
081130 -- keep me company while I wait for your answer. - chirp chirp chirp chirp chirp chirp chirp chirp - I'm up next. Can I borrow the crickets? They're a little tired.
081201 -- We were saved from the abyss by a last-minute injection of capital from an overseas investor. - They're some sort of cartel. We weren't in a position to ask a lot of questions. - They want each of you to fly to Colombia and bring back a
081201 -- package. ...and you can't use your hands.
081202 -- Carol, I want you to take any conference room chairs that are in cubicles and put them back where they belong. - People are going to steal the chairs back as soon as I leave. - Maybe, but do it anyway. So...we agree that there's no way to tell
081202 -- if I already did it?
081203 -- Okay, the bill for employee appreciation lunch comes out to $35 apiece. - That only adds up if one of us isn't paying. - The employees figured out why I appreciate taking them to lunch.
081204 -- I have a great idea. Would you like to hear it? - Well, considering your low status in the company and how busy I am, I would not enjoy it one bit. - I like speaking truth to power, but I don't like when it speaks back.
081205 -- I got a canary to warn us when our meetings are too boring. - Canaries die of boredom before humans, so... - I guess he knew that.
081206 -- We need to be twice as smart to survive in this economy. - Good plan. I look forward to spontaneously developing an I.Q. of 400. - This pep talk totally worked in marketing. Will I be able to see the future?
081207 -- This workstation is still logged in to the network. - It's time to teach someone a lesson about security. - I'll just go in here and... - WARNING! WARNING! IDIOT ALERT! - GAAA!!! - ACTIVATING DEFENSE WEDGIE SYSTEM. - I have to go. Some idiot
081207 -- violated my perimeter. beep beep - Please make it stop. Then how would you learn?
081208 -- Dogbert's Tech Support May I remotely take over your computer to diagnose the problem? Okay. - Now hold while I snoop into your personal files, pilfer your bank accounts and turn your computer into a spam server. - THAT'S ILLEGAL! So are 75% of
081208 -- your personal files, but you don't se *me* getting all huffy.
081209 -- You will get a survey asking you how satisfied you were with my service today. - If you don't rate my service superior in all categories, I will lose my job and my wife will leave for a more successful man. - Is she cute? Why do you ask?
081210 -- We surveyed a thousand people who still have landline phones and no caller I.D. - We asked for their opinion on our new technology. 34% said, "fiddlesticks," and 23% couldn't hear the question. 23% "Huh"? - 43% thought we were in the room with
081210 -- them and offered us a hard candy.
081211 -- We need your new computer for the empty office in the executive suite. - We don't want any visitors to see vacant offices. They might think we're having financial troubles. - Why don't we put my *old* computer in the vacant office? That's crazy
081211 -- talk.
081212 -- The CEO Visits We're going to change our focus... - from pretending to make good products, to pretending to be solvent. bzzzt - On a related note, I've always been a hologram.
081213 -- Dogbert The Financial Advisor You should invest all of your money in diseased livestock. - It would be unwise to invest in just one sick cow, but if you aggregate a bunch of them together, the risk goes away. - It's called math. Suddenly I feel
081213 -- all savvy.
081214 -- Do you have a minute to look at my terrible idea? - It's the worst idea ever. Totally impractical, and bordering on irresponsible. - Why are you saying that about your own idea? - Because you're one of those jerks who automatically disagrees
081214 -- with everyone. - I'm telling you my idea is awful so you will feel compelled to say it is great. - Now that I know how you plan to manipulate me, it won't work. - I'm so surprised to hear that you disagree. Now look at my terrible, terrible
081214 -- idea. - Dance, puppet, dance. THIS IS A GREAT IDEA!
081215 -- How would you like to be in charge of the legacy systems? - That's like being the biggest rind in the compost heap. - Do it anyway. I surrender to the bacteria.
081216 -- I worry that being assigned to work on the legacy systems will make me appear less valuable in the future. - You have my word that you could never appear less valuable than you are now. - Why do your assurances make me feel worse? Your dress
081216 -- code is "troll."
081217 -- I got reassigned to manage our legacy systems. The dress code is "troll." - My cubicle is under the walkway. My side job is scaring vendors. Is that hard? - Only the first day. After you eat one vendor, word gets around.
081218 -- My new assignment is "troll in charge of the legacy systems." - I guess I shouldn't complain. I'm lucky to have a job in this economy. - Would a free bag of garbage make you feel better? A little.
081219 -- I'm promoting you from legacy systems troll to scapegoat. - Your job is to dress in a goat costume and take the blame for all of our projects failing. - We missed another deadline. All in favor of slapping the goat...
081220 -- Dilbert The Scapegoat I need you for a meeting with my boss. - About five minutes, into the meeting I'm going to start punching you. With any luck, my boss will join in. - Maybe that shouldn't be called luck. Okay...*skill*. Whatever.
081221 -- Catbert: Evil Director Of Human Resources My consultants can transform human resources. - We'll start with a diagnostic review. - Then you'll form centers of excellence around areas of expertise. - Next, you'll consolidate shared services and
081221 -- drive continuous improvement. - Business units will translate operational imperatives into HR actions. - Does any of that mean the same as firing idiots and cutting the budget? - Which answer gets us hired? Try yes. - YES! Great. Put a bow on
081221 -- it and send me the invoice.
081222 -- I didn't have time to change out of my work clothes. - I'm working as a scapegoat for my department. Someday I hope to be a scapegoat for the entire company. - You told me women like men in uniform. I say things.
081223 -- Topper Returns I dreamed I was wearing a goat costume. That's nothing! - I donated all of my organs to sick people. Now I use my hollow torso like a backpack. - And I tried to go on a date. See my zipper? I took i a family of squirrels!
081224 -- Mordac, The Preventer Of Information Services You have exceeded your allocation for I.T. support. - The penalty is forcible relocation to an agrarian society. - Seriously, even a cow knows you should try rebooting before calling the tech
081224 -- support.
081225 -- The best things in life are free, so I got you this. - This looks like trash from my garbage can. You're welcome. - I only chewed on the delicious parts! Spank you very much.
081226 -- Carol, book an executive retreat so we can figure out which one of you to downsize. - Find us someplace warm. - Do you have a pool? You could call it that.
081227 -- Where's our pointy-haired boss? He's at an offsite meeting to decide who to lay off. - Don't worry. I booked the meeting at the *Beelzebub Inn*.  No one has ever returned from there. - If you don't like the accommodations, next time have your
081227 -- own disgruntled underling book a place.
081228 -- It's our vice president of engineering. - Hello. I am Asok the intern. May I tell you about an idea I have? - - Vice presidents can't hear us, Asok. T them, our voices sound like the faint buzzing of flies. - If you want to give him your idea,
081228 -- you have to do it indirectly. - Tell someone who knows someone, who knows someone else, who knows the vice president. - Or do what I do and channel your irrational impulse to be useful into an unquenchable thirst for coffee. - So...why are you
081228 -- helping me? The coffee machine is broken.
081229 -- That hotel you booked for the management offsite meeting wasn't actually a hotel. - I'm sure it was the foyer to hell. - What gave you that idea? OUR CONCIERGE WAS A SWARM OF LOCUSTS!!!
081230 -- I have assigned a secret insulting nickname to each of you. - It's my way of dehumanizing the enemy so it will be easier to downsize you. - The enemy? That's enough out of you, Osama.
081231 -- Ted, profits are falling. I have to downsize you. - You worthless sack of monkey spit! I hope the birds that ate your brain regurgitate pellets down your neck! - I have lots more, but I don't want to burn any bridges.
090101 -- You still work here? I thought I downsized you last week. Um...I don't think so. - Check your span folder after the meeting. - First recession?
090102 -- This is my first recession. How worried should I be? - You'll be fine as long as you don't have any hopes and dreams. - But I still have them. It's time to yank off that band-aid.
090103 -- Topper This recession frightens me. That's nothing! - During the Crimean War, all I had to eat was the cold stench of death! - You don't seem old enough to... I use moisturizer!
090104 -- You need to sign the corporate code of conduct. - Wow! You're totally hot! - Um...that's inappropriate, and you need to sign the code of conduct. - I don't have a pen. Can you take it back to your cubicle and sign it for me? - No, and I think
090104 -- you're lying about not having a pen. But maybe we can find one for you. - See if Dilbert is in his cubicle. I usually take his stuff and blame the cleaners. - JUST SIGN THE #%!**! CODE OF CONDUCT OR I WILL CRUSH YOUR STUPID, BALD HEAD! - Do I
090104 -- need to read this? No, just say you did.
090105 -- This office is freezing. Why aren't you cold? - My brain is much larger than yours. It heats my entire body when I think. - But whatever you're doing now seems to be working too. #!**$*!%
090106 -- It's only 68 degrees in here. Why aren't you cold? - I'm a mammal, but I don't like to brag about it. - What's that supposed to mean? Stop pinging me with your sonar.
090107 -- Thanks to a new law, every customer in my sales territory needed to upgrade. - Now I wear a hat made of money. The funny thing is that I'm not even a good salesman. - Next week, the donuts are on me. DIE! DIE! DIE!
090108 -- The Lucky Sales Guy My sales quotas were set too low. I plan to buy a yacht with my commissions. - Would you mind programming the navigation system so I can get drunk while my boat takes me places? - Why are you researching where all the
090108 -- pirates attack? It's better if you don't know.
090109 -- Carol, send an E-Mail to the department with my leadership thought of the day. - What is it? I'm busy. Make up something. - "That which doesn't kill you makes you stronger. So please slap me in my fat, bald head."
090110 -- We'll be shutting down our aerospace division because it hasn't won any contracts in two years. - Rumor has it that the admin assistant was faxing all of our bids with the blank side facing up. - The blank side isn't supposed to face up? Uh-oh.
090111 -- Once again, Wally, you have accomplished nothing this quarter. - What about that billion-dollar cost saving idea I had? - Your idea would only save one dollar per year. - Exactly. In a billion years, that's a billion dollars. - The company
090111 -- won't be in business that long. - Why not? Do you know something I don't know? - So, what kind of raise are we looking at here? - He gave you a billion dollar raise? It's not as good as it sounds.
090112 -- We don't have enough money to fund your project, but I don't want to downsize you and shrink my empire. - I hired an acting coach to teach you how to hang around the office pretending to be useful. - Are you dead or just non-expressive? It's
090112 -- called a "job."
090113 -- Office Acting Coach This exercise is called "The Overworked Headcount." - AYOWAA-AIEEEOW! - Can you do that? Are you kidding? I only *stop* doing it to be polite.
090114 -- I'm tense because the company is downsizing and I have no project. - Being worthless at work is only hard for the first then years. After that, it's a lifestyle. - I didn't say I was worthless. Now you're making me nostalgic for my old denial
090114 -- phase.
090115 -- In my spare time I came up with an idea for your project. - Your idea is so good that it makes all the work I did for the past year a miserable mistake. - You're welcome. I can't let you leave this cubicle alive.
090116 -- I have no project of my own, so I wander the cubicles offering unsolicited advice. - Speaking of which, you should put a little extra thought into your cooling system design. It looks monkey-made. - I'm discovering that honest and helpful are a
090116 -- bad combination.
090117 -- I have no project. Do you need any help with yours? - No. If I finish my project too soon, I might become like you. - Can you make a different face when you imagine being like me? I'm trying, but I can't.
090118 -- You're watering a plastic plant. Yes, I am. - Why? Funny story. - Your boss replaced the live plants with plastic ones to save money. - My company has the contract to water your office plants. - No one ever cancelled our contract. - Now my
090118 -- career is less important than a gnat's toot in a hurricane. - But it's still way better than sitting in a fabric-covered box all day. - I need to stop talking to people.
090119 -- It's slow at work so I created my own Internet business called dilbertfiles.com. - So you're stealing company resources? - I call myself a CEO. I think I saw someone who isn't a miscreant.
090120 -- Vijay, The World's Worst Venture Capitalist A hundred million people need this type of service. - I already built the web site and people are signing up. FOOP! - When we negotiate my equity stake, focus on my poker face and not my optimistic
090120 -- hair. yee-ha!!!
090121 -- My side business, dilbertfiles.com, is getting lots of attention. - I have a feeling I will soon be leaving my cubicle behind. Yep. - All in favor of firing this idiot for using company resources...
090122 -- I don't care that you fired me for using work time to start my own Internet business. - My new company will be a huge success! Yes, and we own it because you created it during work. - Then I barfed in my box full of junk. You may have lost that
090122 -- round.
090123 -- Company Lawyer The company owns dilbertfiles.com and all of its I.P. because you created it at work. - So you'll need to pay us a royalty every time you use the name "Dilbert." - How did you get into my house? There's a loophole in your door.
090124 -- I lost an intellectual property case with my ex-employer. Now they own my name. - It costs me five Dollars each time I introduce myself. I already forgot your name. What was it? - Can I tell you next month? I'm on a budget. Sure, if you think
090124 -- you can find me.
090125 -- I want suggestions on how we can win one of those "Best Places To Work" awards. - You could stop treating us like diseased lifestock. - Stop being like that! OW! - If you were lifestock, you'd be eating grass. - My donut is made from wheat
090125 -- flour. Wheat is a grass. - And you'd be living in a pen. Also known as a cubicle. - Lifestock have no freedom. Can I go home now? - No. Moo.
090126 -- I'm not stressed about being out of work because I have my investments. Let's see how they... - GAAAA!!! - Maybe some warlords are hiring.
090127 -- I can't afford to pay the mortgage this month. There's no reason to worry. - I doubt your bank can afford postage to send you an eviction notice. - That didn't make me worry less. How are we set for firearms?
090128 -- What's the worst part about you being unemployed? - Is it the risk of starvation, the inability to date, of the feeling of being utterly worthless? - So far the worst part is this conversation. Wait 'til you hear my tough love speech.
090129 -- Job Interview I detect the flop sweat of desperation. - I base my hiring decisions on who would make a good mate, and I would never want to give life to your sweaty baby. - Do you see what I'm saying? crumple Can I try when I'm dehydrated?
090130 -- Your stock fell to a penny a share so I bought 51% of the company. - I'll double my investment just by firing you. - Thanks for not being totally worthless. You're welcome.
090131 -- I bought the company that fired you. Now you can interview with me for your old job. - You already know everything about me. An interview would have no purpose other than to humiliate me. - Since when do things need two purposes? Is Tuesday
090131 -- good?
090201 -- Asok, we're getting killed by bad customer reviews online. - I need you to pretend you're several different customers and write positive reviews. - Doesn't that break some sort of law? - Heck no. It only crosses some ethical boundaries and
090201 -- violates the terms of service for the web site. - And depending on your religious views, it might be a hiccup on your way to paradise. - But I'm almost positive there won't be any jail time or eternal damnation. - Well...okay. - And be sure to
090201 -- defame our competitors.
090202 -- Job Interview Would you take a bullet for the team? Um...sure. - Good. The team is already at the firing range waiting for you. - zing zing zing Stupid weak economy!
090203 -- In your first round of interviews we tested your reaction to humiliation and small arms fire. - In round two I will test your ability to test company secrets. - When are you going to tell him this is a courtesy interview? What?
090204 -- You survived the rigorous interview process, but there are no openings in engineering. - However, I am prepared to offer you a position in sales. You mean a job? - No, just a position. This took an ugly turn.
090205 -- Dilbert in Sales We had to be more creative because of the soft economy. - Now we kill our customers and replace them with body doubles who place big orders. - Who's the handsome new sales guy? He's you in about ten minutes.
090206 -- Catbert: Evil Director Of Human Resources Your boss says you refuse to do your job. - He told me to kill a customer, assume her identity, and place a huge order with our company. - I'll transfer you to the collections department until you're
090206 -- willing to kill.
090207 -- Dilbert Works in Collections Please listen while I read this threatening script. - I have hidden poisonous spiders in your home. If you pay us now by credit card I will give you the antidote. - Okay, fine. But if you feel a tickle on your leg,
090207 -- give me a call.
090208 -- Dilbert, I need you to take over Carl's function. - He's already gone, but Ted can train you. - Ted was sometimes in the general vicinity when Carl did the function. doom - Try clicking on the red...no, blue...no, red button. - beep Ooh. Okay,
090208 -- I didn't expect that. - Now you either have to erase all of the servers or activate the fire suppression system in the clean room. - What if I click "Cancel"? That's what killed Carl. - Anyway, that's all I know. The rest is just common sense.
090209 -- Dilbert Works In Collections My wife hates me and I live between an archery range and a nest of badgers. - Is that a reason for not paying your bills? - I'm just saying you called at a bad time.
090210 -- Dilbert Works In Collections My wife left me, my truck caught on fire, and all of my organs are failing. - I work in a collections department. You win. - Winning isn't what it used to be. YOUR FIVE-MINUTE BREAK IS OVER!
090211 -- Dilbert Works In Collections How am I supposed to collect money from people who don't have any? - Tell them to rob someone you don't like. - ...and that's my supervisor's home address. But you'd better hurry before all the good stuff is gone.
090212 -- There's an opening in my old department. Is it okay if I apply? - Sure I'd be happy to toss that dead cat into someone else's backyard. - I was worried that I might be too valuable... WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?
090213 -- You can have your old job back, but your compensation will reflect the new market reality. - You'll get a small base salary plus anything you can sneak past the guard in the lobby. - These aren't the droids you're looking for.
090214 -- I hired Dilbert for a payment much lower than his previous pay. - That makes the rest of you overpaid and expendable. Please welcome him back. How about a hug? - Today you learned that hugging has a dark side. Ow.
090215 -- Wally, we'd like to transition your role in this project. - During the first week, you were the lead engineer. - Going forward, you'll be more of an advisory role. - And by that I mean we have a restraining order against you. - You're not
090215 -- allowed within 100 yards of the conference room. - We've changed our cell phone numbers and E-Mail addresses. - And we're all having reconstructive surgery so you won't recognize us in the hallway. - Did you accomplish anything this week? Mary,
090215 -- is that you?
090216 -- I'm sending you on a trip. Remember that our per diem isn't as extravagant as it was in our golden years. - You'll need to use the hotel iron to make grilled cheese sandwiches. Will you pay for the bread and cheese? - We'll pay for the bread.
090216 -- But cheese and free soap are practically the same thing.
090217 -- Finance Trolls Your request for airline travel is denied. We don't have the budget for that. - Company policy requires you to hitchhike with alleged killers and not offer to pay for gas. - Well, at least things can't get worse. Apparently you
090217 -- don't know what "alleged" means.
090218 -- Thanks for the ride. My company cut back on the travel budget. - Do you mind if we stop at an abandoned slaughterhouse that's miles from civilization? - A little. ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME ANGRY?
090219 -- Sorry I'm late. My company cut the travel budget so I had to hitch a ride with a serial killer. - He took me to an abandoned slaughterhouse. I knocked him out with a hambone, stole his truck and drove directly here. - All I heard was "blah,
090219 -- blah, blah, I'm late. Don't make me get my hambone.
090220 -- The economy is circling the drain. I need each of you to take a 10% cut in pay. - I don't have that much cushion in my budget. Yesterday I boiled my shoelaces for dinner. - Remind me not to accept any dinner invitations to your house. DON'T
090220 -- WORRY!
090221 -- The economy scared me so bad that I turned into a tree. What? - It's the same principle as a blind person developing better hearing. - When you're stealing cat food from convenience stores, I'll be living large on rainwater.
090222 -- YIKES! - Don't be frightened by my clothing. - I'll be working at home today, thus reducing carbon emissions. - My telepresence meetings will only display me from here up. - By reducing the amount of material in my garment I can use less soap
090222 -- and water on laundry day. - And the extra freedom of movement will allow me to mouse more efficiently. - This has to stop. I'll be back in a few minutes. - Did you use my shaver? Yes, and I will trim myself daily until you start dressing right.
090223 -- Thanks for coming on short notice. I called this meeting because... - ...company policy allows me to order donuts for any meeting that includes customers. - I don't work on commission.
090224 -- Your generation is leaving my generation a dying planet and a crippling debt. Hee hee! - BUT WE SHALL INVENT LIFE_EXTENDING DRUGS SO YOU WILL SUFFER ALONG WITH US! HA! Uh-oh. - We will connect you to machines and keep you alive until the poor
090224 -- demand to eat you. Well played.
090225 -- Bailout Hearings Mr. Dogbert, did you fly here in a corporate jet? - Yes, the same jet that took you on a fact-finding trip to Aruba, you wool-coated glob of fat. - Bring it on! I can do this all day. I yield my time to the hypocrite from
090225 -- another state.
090226 -- Dogbert The CEO I'm happy to announce that the government gave us a bailout loan of $25 billion. - I'm even happier to announce that I kept the entire amount for my bonus.  - Who wants to see my picture of my island fortress?
090227 -- Until the economy improves, we are instituting a mandatory week off every quarter. - At least you'll have more time with your families. NOOO!!! NOT MY FAMILY!!! - Problems at home? May I please work without pay?
090228 -- Dilbert, meet our new Director of Marketecture. - He's in charge of preventing customers from realizing what they're buying. - It's legal because we're only violating the intent of the law. I can do a thousand push-ups when noone is looking.
090301 -- We're changing the name of our staffing group to "Talent Acquisition." - This reflects our new focus on hiring only highly talented people. - Doesn't that imply that your current employees are inferior to the ones you plan to hire? - Sort of. -
090301 -- And since you routinely fire the worst performing employees... - You have just sealed our doom while expecting us to remain loyal in the company. - Now all I can think about are ways to vandalize the servers before I become homeless. - I
090301 -- overcommunicated again.
090302 -- Director Of Marketecture It is better to seem good than to be good. Being Good (Overrated) - A misleading benchmark test can accomplish in minutes what years of good engineering can never do. - Is it our maturity that makes that concept sound
090302 -- okay? I hope so.
090303 -- At the value stream stand up meeting, all status reports must be in the form of red, yellow, or green. - Mauve Puce Cerulean Ecru - Sometimes the only point of a meeting is to remind me how much I hate them.
090304 -- I'll be right back after I inoculate our CEO. - If you ever decide to reduce our layers of management, Carl is worthless and he thinks your kids look like the Director Of Sales. - That should buy me a few months.
090305 -- What the...? Don't be surprised. - In any large company there is at least one employee who is your exact replica and has the same assignment. - Why didn't I know that? I'm not your replica. I'm a look-alike that is much smarter.
090306 -- I gave the same assignment to all the employees who look like you. - A blind squirrel is more likely to find a nut if there are a lot of blind squirrels. - That sounded cruel. Allow me to rephrase it. I meant vision-impaired squirrels.
090307 -- I don't have anything useful to say so I made this pie chart. - Oooh! Oooh! It must be true because it's pie. - That worked to well. I PLEDGE MY LIFE AND MY FORTUNE TO THE PIE!
090308 -- The Dogbert Outsourcing Company has a solution for every budget. - At the deluxe level you get highly educated Indians who speak perfect English. - Sounds pricey. - Let me see...at my budget level we can get... - ...one illiterate Elbonian with
090308 -- poor attendance and an anger management problem. - Stupid economy. I'll take him. - I should warn you that he handles several accounts...and he doesn't know that he has a job. - WHY DOES EVERYONE KEEP CALLING ME AND COMPLAINING?! I HATE YOUR
090308 -- GUTS!
090309 -- Your Powerpoint slides impressed the executives so much that they're changing our entire strategy. - Those slides were nothing but a bunch of garbage dressed up to look good. - And that's what our new product line will be! Oh.
090310 -- I've fallen in love with my phone. - It entertains me. It knows where I am. It responds to my touch. It never judges me. - So it's like a woman to you. Way better. Are you even *listening*?
090311 -- I'm one of those people who can't explain things without a whiteboard, but I'll try. - The...uh...fuh...fuh...wah...um...thingamajig...fuh...fuh...eh? - Worst case I've seen. YEE...WOO...EE-YI-EE-YI-MOO...
090312 -- Do you have time to talk today? Sure. Call me next week. - - Do you have a minute to hear about my day? Sure. Call me yesterday.
090313 -- Pssst! I'm doing black market I.T. support to make up for my recent cut in pay. - Isn't this illegal? Not according to my black market company lawyer. - So it's legal to punch vendors? Sure, if they deserve it. That's $100, please.
090314 -- Asok, we need to cut your pay again. But maybe you could get a second job. Second??? - I am already doing freelance I.T. support...and donating blood...and working as a male escort. - I don't need the details. Running guns...robbing
090314 -- graves...starting a hedge fund...
090315 -- Customers can't figure out our user interface. - They should read the manual. - Our manual is more confusing than our user interface. - They can use our online support database. That's more confusing than our manual. - We have no money to fix
090315 -- any of that. - In situations like this, I like to go to my special place. - Someday I hope to have a special place that's big enough for my entire body. - Problem solved.
090316 -- Get us some risk management software. - What can risk management software tell you that my common sense and experience can't? - Data. STOP FAILING THE TURING TEST!
090317 -- Our risk management software says your idea is too risky. - Try reducing one of the inputs. Which one? - Honesty. I just threw up in my mouth.
090318 -- The biggest risk to the project is our own thundering incompetence. Duh! - It is a known fact that every project has at least one irredeemable imbecile. - I have a vague, uneasy feeling about your clip art.
090319 -- Today I got in trouble for not doing something that I wasn't aware needed to be done. - Yesterday I got in trouble for doing something that no one asked me to do, but needed to be done. - Tomorrow I plan to sit in my cubicle like a frozen
090319 -- you-know-what and avoid all human contact. Does it rhyme with "bird"?
090320 -- Thanks for the suggestion. I will think about it and get back to you. - Why do I have the feeling that you are actively forgetting my suggestion as I stand here? - You head is where ideas go to die. I like pie.
090321 -- This is Phil, our new vice president of marginally legal activities. - He'll be leading the effort to make our user interfaces so confusing that people have to pay us for training. - We already do that unintentionally. Sure, but we can't always
090321 -- rely on luck.
090322 -- I need ideas on how we can cut spending. - Bring back free coffee. - That's the *opposite* of cutting spending. It seems that way if you're short-sighted. - When I buy my own coffee, I don't drink as much. - That makes me less alert and about
090322 -- half as productive. - If you give me free coffee, you can fire Ted and come out ahead. - I rest my case. - I'm sorry, Ted. Wally makes a compelling argument. zzz
090323 -- Dogbert The CEO You want a raise? I have one word for you. - GOINK! - I love having a new favorite word.
090324 -- Dogbert The CEO Until the company returns to profitability I will only fly coach. - I'll book three coach seats in a row so I can stretch out. One of you will be a Sherpa for my bedding. - I'll bring my own air marshal to punch anyone who talks
090324 -- while I'm napping. And a videographer so I can see the playback when I wake up.
090325 -- Dogbert The CEO Now that you've run your bank into the ground, I plan to buy it for a dollar. - In phase two I'll use common business words to insult you for a job poorly done. - What do you think of that, you big fiduciary bag?
090326 -- Dogbert The CEO Our new financial product is a hybrid of risky mortgage loans and a Ponzi scheme. - We'll cover our bad loan losses with our profits from making even worse loans. - I'll need some wagging room while I tell you how this ties into
090326 -- my bonus structure.
090327 -- Dogbert The CEO Does anyone have any questions about my strategies? Yes, I... - BONK! zing! - This isn't the dotcom era.
090328 -- Dogbert The CEO The union will agree to deep cuts if you agree to work for one Dollar per year. - I agree, as long as I get my pay in advance and the mandatory retirement age is waived. Fine. - Call payroll and tell them to cut a check for my
090328 -- next ten billion years of service.
090329 -- Ted, I want to thank you for your 14 years of loyal service in this fabric-covered box. - On a related note, the company has decided to right-size. And keeping you would be the wrong size. - Clear out your debris in an hour so I can use your
090329 -- cubicle to store my old binders. - Who will do my job? No one. - So...for all practical purposes I am being replaced by a pile of old binders? - If it makes you feel better, the binders are useless. Everything is online now. - So...I'm better
090329 -- than old binders? - Maybe this would be a good time to change the subject.
090330 -- You're hired, but company policy requires me to post the job opening internally before it's official. - Are you saying your company policy requires you to lie to employees and give them false hope? Exactly. - That's cruel. In six months you'll
090330 -- wish you had some false hope too.
090331 -- I hired a woman who laughs too much. HA HA HA HA HA! - She'll be in the cubicle next to yours. WA-HA HA HA HA! - I no longer worry about life passing too quickly.
090401 -- I hired a temp to cover your job while you're on vacation. - She's far more qualified than you, and her started goal is to replace you. But don't worry. - HOW AM I SUPPOSED *NOT* TO WORRY ABOUT THAT? Yoga?
090402 -- Overqualified Temp My last job was ambassador to Brunei. Before that I was undersecretary of commerce. - Maybe the other admins can watch how you make copies and learn something. - She's a talker.
090403 -- Overqualified Temp I have completed all of my mental assignments. - Do you have any more trivial tasks to crush my sense of self-worth? - I've always wondered how many ceiling tiles are in the men's restroom. DIE! DIE! DIE!
090404 -- Overqualified Temp It's funny that you are a rhodes scholar yet you can only find work as a temp. - I am only an intern and yet I enjoy the power and prestige of being your superior. - In retrospect I shouldn't have challenged her to a cage
090404 -- fight.
090405 -- Finish this project in two weeks. - And make sure you get input from all the executive stakeholders. - That's impossible. Why? - Let's call one of the ten stakeholders and I'll show you. - This is Ed Bigston's voice mail. I'm not
090405 -- available...ever. - I am either on vacation, or sick, or traveling, or in a meeting. - I do not check E-Mail or return phone calls. Like the horizon, I am more of a concept than a corporal being. - Despair is your only option. Try faxing him.
090406 -- I had to lay off many of your coworkers today, but *your* jobs are safe. - YES! WAHOO! HA HA HA! - Cancel the workshop on survivor guilt.
090407 -- Do you want to lay off the highly skilled, whiny jerk who is toxic to the workplace or... - ...the pleasant but incompetent guy who will lead us to ruination? - This got harder after we fired all of the unskilled, whiny jerks. Which one is
090407 -- uglier?
090408 -- Dogbert The CEO The new motivational posters are in. - As you requested, I bought the least expensive ones. Excuse me while I stretch my wagger. - If All Else Fails...Your Coworkers Are Edible
090409 -- My project is unfunded, just the way I like it. - I spend my entire day forwarding funny E-Mails and lubricating my bowels with coffee. - Allow me to explain something... Better make it fast!
090410 -- I have an actual job and I don't live at home. - My offspring would probably be smart. My palms are getting sweaty and my heart is pounding, what is going on? - It's a Darwinian thing. MAKE IT STOP!
090411 -- You're not my type. Why am I attracted to you? How did you do this, you monster! - In troubling economic times, my financial stability appeals to your survival instincts. It's basic evolution. - Gaaa!!! That made me bored and aroused at the
090411 -- same time! Science!
090412 -- I'm thinking of investing in the Dogbert Hedge Fund. - Can you explain how it works? - It's simple. I take your money and then use math to turn it into my money while destroying the overall economy. - Is that legal? More so than you'd think. -
090412 -- What's in it for me? - My inflated claims will give you false hope. - That way you won't stress out until after you retire and discover you're penniless. But I... - BONK! unh! - I don't remember the last five minutes. I was telling you that my
090412 -- hedge fund will earn you 520% per year.
090413 -- The employees are scared shirtless about losing their jobs. - This is a good time to cut their benefits and roll out some draconian corporate policies. - "In the event of a bomb threat, the employees are expected to shield the servers with
090413 -- their bodies." I miss my shirt.
090414 -- I'm recalibrating my hopes and dreams to be consistent with the state of the economy. - My new goal is to not be smothered to death by an old mattress that falls of a salvage truck. - And I am saving money by drinking nothing but mugs of stale
090414 -- air. You're scaring my coffee!
090415 -- I'm hiring you because you're huge and scary. - Our economic forecast calls for the emergence of warlords in 2010. - Have you ever pillaged? No, I just go on fake interviews to scope out targets.
090416 -- Company Economist In 2010 the economy will collapse and the world will plunge into darkness. - You will all be eaten by cannibals who will, in turn, die from the diseases that riddle your bodies. - Please never talk again. I get that a lot
090416 -- lately.
090417 -- Company Economist The economy will either recover or not. - Unless time itself is an illusion, in which case all matter is either stationary or imagined. - I'd take questions, but I'm not entirely sure you're real.
090418 -- Catbert: Evil Director Of Human Resources Being evil used to mean something. - These days I can cut salaries by 10% and people will thank me for not firing them! - DO you want to help me eat employee lunches from the break room fridge? I'd like
090418 -- that.
090419 -- I bought a new phone. It was only $50 after rebate. Uh-oh. - Let's see what the terms of the rebate... - FOOM! - I am Rebaterus. You must pass five tests before your rebate will be authorized. - You must wait 30 days without losing or
090419 -- accidentally discharging the rebate forms, the receipt, and the box. - You must figure out which of the several unlabeled codes on the box is the real rebate code. - You must write that code into a space designed for a code half as long. Some
090419 -- numbers look like letters. - JUST KEEP MY MONEY!!! Dude, we spent it before you left the store.
090420 -- Job Tension Is Running High I...I...forgot to total the cost estimates. - GAAA!!! YOU'RE GOING TO FIRE ME! I'M THE NEXT CASUALTY OF THE FRAIL ECONOMY!!! - Maybe we could finish this by E-Mail. MUST IMPROVE STREET-MIME SKILLS!!!
090421 -- The big countries are having economic problems. Experts say it will soon affect Elbonia. - We'll need to cut back on some luxury expenses. - You can stop practicing your fetching. Should I ask why?
090422 -- Does my vast wealth make you feel inadequate and sad? - No, not really. - How about now?
090423 -- I made some improvements to your drawings and sent them for fabrication. GAAA!!! - But don't worry-I left your name on them so you'll get all the credit. WAAAA!!! - You don't handle good news very well. SHOOT ME! SHOOT ME! SHOOT ME!
090424 -- My boss just told me that he changed my drawings for the smart phone before he sent them to you for prototyping. - I was wondering if you're having any problems with it? - The camera's flash is a bit aggressive.
090425 -- The flash on our smart phone prototype is so strong that it's dangerous. - I'd better show this to our CEO. Is that really a good idea? - Now pose with Ted so I can get a group shot.
090426 -- Hi, I'm Tom Jackson. I have a meeting with your boss. - He has no one by that name on his calendar. - The only people he's meeting today are Fob Meterfon, Gom Axfon, and Dade Aggams. - Maybe when your boss said he was meeting with "Tom Jackson"
090426 -- you heard it as "Gom Axfon." - Is that how you want to play this? Really? - SECURITY, COME ARREST THIS MAN!!! - I'M GOM AXFON! I'M GOM AXFON! - Where's Tom Jackson? Don't you start with me.
090427 -- I worry that the Boltzmann Brain Hypothesis is true and my reality is entirely imagined. - But if I'm imagining my life, why don't I imagine better things happening to me? - I'll probably regret this practical joke. mmmm
090428 -- What's on your back? It's a battery. - I recharge it at work with company electricity, then I use it at night to power my home appliances. - It they cut my benefits one more time, I'll make a play for their water, too.
090429 -- The company cut my pay so I'm going to date a co-worker to make up the difference. - From now on, one of you will be buying all of my meals and gifts. - I'm oddly aroused by your offer. In that case it's not you.
090430 -- I crunched the numbers, and it makes sense for us to get married. - I can maintain my lifestyle if you live in the closet and your only hobby is cleaning the house when I'm gone. - It that doesn't work, I can insure the Bejeezus out of you and
090430 -- hope for the best. The best?
090501 -- Welcome to another round of "If We Had Money." I'll go first. - If we had money, we could design and test new products. - We could go to training. You forgot to say, "if we had money""
090502 -- To all staff: We had to let our cleaning crew go for budget reasons. - In a separate E-Mail, I will explain our new "Adopt A Toilet" program. - I have to be hones, Timmy. I don't see college in your future.
090503 -- Sorry I'm late. A truck turned over on the highway. What did I miss? - We don't wan't to rehash the entire meeting. - How about a quick summary? - No, if we leave out any details, you'll think we made the wrong decisions. - I's best for us if
090503 -- we keep you ignorant and angry. - IF YOU MARGINALIZE ME, I WILL BECOME A NEMESIS TO YOUR PROJECT! - I'm cool with that. Sort of like a mascot? - A NEMESIS IS NOT LIKE A MASCOT! Maybe you could wear a giant squirrel costume.
090504 -- I live in a rented trailer, and all of my money is in my checking account. - Your investments are worthless and your mortgage is underwater. My net worth is higher than yours now. - I guess promiscuity and a G.E.D. was a pretty good strategy
090504 -- for me after all.
090505 -- I'm collecting money for our pointy-haired boss' birthday. - PUNCH! - How much did we get so far? Well, nothing you could send by FedEx.
090506 -- Topper Gaaa! My stocks are down 70%! That's nothing! - Today I discovered that my house is insulated with cheese. - Gouda? Grated.
090507 -- Topper I'm painting my own house to save money. That's nothing! - I had spider glands transplanted into my body so I can make my own silk garments. - That doesn't seem... WHO WANTS MITTENS?!
090508 -- Topper My first baby weighed 12 pounds. I gave birth in the cab of a stolen backhoe. That's nothing! - I once passed a gallstone so big that it became secretary of labor in the Clinton administration. - I find that hard to believe. Give me ten
090508 -- minutes and then check Wikipedia.
090509 -- Your stockbroker is in the news today. Uh-oh. - Please be because he won a humanitarian award...or he was killed by a celebrity. - Ironically, several celebrity humanitarians do want to kill him now. GAAA!!!
090510 -- If we lease a machine from you, how can we be sure you'll stay in business to service it? - How can *we* be sure you'll have enough money to pay the lease? - You could check our financials. - I'm pretty sure your financials are as fraudulent as
090510 -- ours. - Good point. Maybe we could ask trusted third parties to vouch for us. - Do you trust any third parties? - Not since my financial advisor put my retirement savings in a Ponzi scheme and had an affair with my wife. - And Thus Ended
090510 -- Capitalism Well, we tried. Maybe I could grow food in my car.
090511 -- Catbert: Evil Director Of Human Resources According to the news, everyone in power is corrupt. So? - If you give me a 20% raise, I'll kick back half to you. Done. - How did you afford a new vest in this economy? Crime? I'm dabbling.
090512 -- I've decided to dabble in crime. I need some henchmen. Are you in? What does a henchman do? - A henchman's job is to be gunned down in reverse order to his importance. - How important am I? I wouldn't pack a lunch for orientation day.
090513 -- Wally Dabbles I Crime A lot of people think crime is a bad thing. - But it all depends on how you pick your role models. - I lean toward governors, bankers, athletes and sith lords. I feel a coldness.
090514 -- This week I sold company secrets, did some insider trading, and took kickbacks from vendors. - I'll give you a taste if you look the other way. - ZIP! That's unsettling.
090515 -- I retired from my life of corporate crime and put all of my illicit earnings into a mutual fund. - How do you know the mutual fund is legitimate? What? - We got all of the money back? We?
090516 -- We can save the most money by downsizing the unhealthiest workers first. - How do we know who they are? We'll close the parking lot that's nearest the building. - Should we help them? It's too late for broccoli.
090517 -- I didn't do any work this week because my project will probably be cancelled in the next budget cuts. - Wally, I don't pay you to do nothing. - I'm pretty sure you do. - But I understand your confusion. - I too was surprised by the first few
090517 -- years of getting paid for doing nothing. - In time, doing nothing became its own sort of challenge. - I'm like a ninja with no hopes and dreams. - Wally, set up a meeting with me later. I'll get right on that.
090518 -- I just got my MBA, and I'm here to solve all of your problems. - Our products are junk and we're completely out of capital. - Have you tried jargon?
090519 -- I have an MBA from a top business school. - I'm a management expert because I read case studies about businesses that were in completely different situations. - Wait a minute. Why does that suddenly seem ridiculous? Will this take much longer?
090520 -- I hear you have an MBA, just like the jerks who ruined economy. - I'm going to punch you so hard that it hurts everyone who has the same degree. - OW!!! What was that hideous noise?
090521 -- The MBA Guy I put together a spreadsheet that might interest you. - OW! OW! IT'S SO BORING, IT HURTS MY HEAD! - MY BRAIN IS TRYING TO ESCAPE THOUGH MY EAR! I get this a lot.
090522 -- The MBA Versus The Crazy Old Witch I don't know who to believe. - Spreadsheets don't lie, but neither does bat excrement. - Remind me again who ruined the economy. Was it witches?
090523 -- Dogbert The CEO Versus The MBA My analysis doesn't support your strategy. - My analysis says I can hire three high school dropouts to slap you until it does. - No...please, not dropouts! They will kick your assumptions.
090524 -- And obviously I can't do anything until our floom vendor updates the glimrods. - I'll bitspew a protopatch to your glimrod array and you can get right to work. - Sometimes A Young Engineer Challenges The Dominant Work-Avoider In The Herd Oh,
090524 -- really? - Too bad the router isn't configured to handle protopatch server traffic. - I'll remotely reconfigure the router to think the protopatch server is a hexadulian data compressor. - IF YOU DO THAT, YOUL'LL CRASH THE FIREWALL AND EXPOSE
090524 -- EVERYONE AT THIS TABLE TO IDENTITY THEFT! - STOP THAT! I HAVE ENOUGH PROBLEMS! PUNCH! - Never go network on me, kid.
090525 -- I'll never be able to finish my project in time. You need to take ownership. - Can I hire more programmers? No. Can I reduce the number of features? No. - So...I'm just taking ownership of the failure? Don't be greedy.
090526 -- Agenda items four through seven don't involve me. - I'll use that time to take a refreshing nap. Experts say it's good for productivity. - I need to talk to those experts.
090527 -- Topper I went for a long walk yesterday. That's nothing. - My thighs are so strong that I'm afraid to jump rope when the sun is directly overhead. - You're full of beans. Exactly. That's how I achieve escape velocity.
090528 -- Find out how many engineers our competitors have so we can justify having that many. - Sure, I'll spend a few hours comparing our apples to their oranges. - Why does your cooperation sound like insubordination? Aye-aye, captain!
090529 -- In phase one, we'll tell our customer that the system failure won't happen again. Not us! - In phase two, when it happens again, we'll act surprised. - Then we'll say a software patch is being installed. GAAA!!! WE'RE BAD PEOPLE!
090530 -- Asok, I want you to scrub the CPS database. No one uses that data. - But you are incapable of admitting error. So I must dedicate my time to a thoroughly useless task. - This job got easier when I stopped listening. IT'S LIKE DEATH, BUT WITHOUT
090530 -- THE GLAMOUR!
090531 -- Dilmom How's work, Dilbert? - I'm doing the work of three people and my pay has been cut 20%. - My investments are worthless and my odds of finding a suitable mate are nearly zero. - My life has no meaning, no joy and no hope. - Do you have any
090531 -- motherly advice? - Shake it off, you big wuss. - And you can pass that wisdom to the grandchildren you won't be having. - You're no good at this. Eat broccoli. Whatever.
090601 -- I couldn't do any work this week because my project doesn't have a charge code. - The chagreback group won't answer my E-Mails, and our ethics rules forbid me from using a false code. - It's another failure of management, but I know you can do
090601 -- it better next week.
090602 -- Book some one-on-one meetings for me so I can practice my new dismissive scoffing sound. - ...and then I think we should... PHHHT! - I like what you've done with your dismissive scoffing sound. 20% more spittle!
090603 -- Dogbert The CEO Ratbert, you're my new VP of sales. - Your job is to set impossible goals for the salespeople and punish them for failing. - Yay! I always wanted to be a sadist! Dreams do come true.
090604 -- Ratbert: VP of Sales Humphrey, you're scaring all of our customers. - Try to be less pitchforkable. - Seriously. Can you do that? WHO WANTS A HUG?!
090605 -- Ratbert: VP of Sales I'm accompanying Humphrey on his sales call so he can learn from the master. - I'll begin by giving you something, thus triggering your need to reciprocate. - Who wants to hit Humphrey with a shovel?
090606 -- Ratbert: VP of Sales Humphrey, some might say you're below your sales quota because the economy is soft. - But I say it's because I haven't beaten you enough with this wooden spoon. - You know what I'm tired of hearing? "Not my good eye! Not my
090606 -- good eye!"
090607 -- I can't understand why... - - Why did you suddenly stop talking? - Oh no...this can't be good. - GAAA!!! Now you're making eye contact with me! - Layoffs are coming! I must be on the list! - My only hope is to injure myself and go on disability
090607 -- so he can't legally fire me. - Ow! Ow! Ow! Anyway, as I was saying, I can't figure out why so many employees are injured.
090608 -- I'm collecting money for Scott's birthday present. You're Scott. - So? Is there some rule against collecting money for your own birthday? Well...no. - I'm buying myself some paper towels and cereal. Stop making it worse!
090609 -- Last Week I attended the 'circle of excellence' conference for managers. - So, while we were doing actual work, you sat in a circle with a bunch of managers? - It wasn't like that. Oh, I think it was.
090610 -- Ted, business is slow, and I have to let you go. - But I already did your performance review so I thought you might benefit from constructive feedback. - "You're like a blister on a skunk's colon." A tiny one.
090611 -- Dogbert The CEO We'll execute our strategy in the usual way. - The powerful will delegate to the untalented until failure is achieved. - How long will that take? We just finished.
090612 -- Dogbert The CEO My base pay will be one Dollar per year. The rest will be stock incentives. - That guarantees you will reap obscene profits when the overall stock market improves, no matter what you do. - Pretend you don't know that.
090613 -- Dogbert The CEO You two are my executive compensation committee. - I LIVE TO SERVER YOU, MY LORD AND MASTER! - Dial it back just a little. Are we allowed to kneel?
090614 -- Job Interview Do you have any sales experience? - No, but I... Okay. Whatever. - There's no base pay. You only get paid on commission. - And you'll need a special laptop for this job. - You can buy it from our company with a 5% employee
090614 -- discount. You're hired. - YES! AND MY FRIENDS TOLD ME I WOULD NEVER FIND A SALES JOB IN THIS WEAK ECONOMY! - By the way, what does the company sell? - We sell laptops to idiots.
090615 -- Dogbert The CEO I'm thinking of becoming a Somalian pirate. - I'd still get to steal from stockholders, but my booty wouldn't be taxed. - And who doesn't like grenade launchers? KA-POW! Mom? Cancel your cruise.
090616 -- Dogbert The CEO I'm taking a side job as a pirate. - I'll kidnap employees and authorize huge ransom payments to myself for their return. - Then you'll return them safely? That's a different business model.
090617 -- It's a conflict of interest for you to be our CEO and also a pirate who kidnaps our employees. - The executive compensation committee approved this arrangement. It's all spelled out in my employment agreement. - so it is. Wait here while I call
090617 -- myself and ransom you back to your office.
090618 -- Hi. My name is... Whoa! Whoa! Not in person! - I only meet men through online dating sites. That way I can filter out the losers. - Too crazy too fast. I know. I'm working on that.
090619 -- You'd actually be attractive if you didn't have crazy eyes. What? - The eyes are the mirror of the soul. Your soul appears to be mostly spiders and bas news. - Any minute now... YOU CAUSE THE RAIN!
090620 -- My dream is to someday be like you. - I hope to advance from being totally worthless to being totally worthless and overpaid. - How's your role model? Grumpy.
090621 -- Alice, you'll be acting manager next week while I'm on vacation. - I can't I'll be in a training class all week. - Dilbert, you'll... I'll be at a customer site all week. - Carol... I'll be getting my tubes tied. - Asok... I'm going to my
090621 -- grandmother's funeral in India. - Yes? Is there something you need me to do? - Attend a funeral in India. Tell everyone you're Asok and you had a horrible accident. - Tell them  the acid destroyed your hair and your personality. That took an
090621 -- ugly turn.
090622 -- We can only afford to fix the high-priority bugs. - If we don't fix 100% of the bugs, the software will be 100% useless. - So our plan is to fail? More slowly.
090623 -- Dogbert The CEO We're paying too much taxes. Bring me a physicist and a tax attorney. - I want to incorporate in another dimension. Make it happen. - Somewhere in the multiverse it's already done. I like you. The lawyer guy is fired.
090624 -- Dogbert The CEO I'm here to do a tax audit of your company. How's that work? - I look for reasons to transfer money from small, disreputable entities to a larger one. - I call my salary vigorish, but it's not as ironic as it once was.
090625 -- Income Tax Autitor You claim your company is exempt from taxes because you're incorporated in...heaven? Exactly. - I'm not as allowed to question that claim because of the separation of church and state. - I AM THE ANGEL WALLY! Hold on, Wally.
090625 -- We're selling past the close.
090626 -- I can't afford my mortgage because of my pay cut. The bank will take my house. - I saved a bundle by being a renter. I should buy your house for next to nothing.  - Too soon?
090627 -- Catbert: Evil Director Of Human Resources You shouldn't come to work just for money. - You should come to work to avoid not having any money. - I'm only in it for these meetings. Settle down, Baldy.
090628 -- We're going into the executive recruiting business. - But the economy is so weak that there aren't any job offerings. - That's why we're also going into the executive coaching business. - We'll give our clients bad advice, and get them fired. -
090628 -- Then our recruiting division will offer to fill those jobs. - Wally, you'll be our executive coach. - Your receptionist is cute. Have you considered stalking her? - Um...a little. You can borrow my binoculars.
090629 -- Sales are tanking because our online reviews are awful. - Cripple a feature and change the model number so the online reviews look stale. - Woe, That was a lot of evil packed into one sentence. Thank you.
090630 -- I programmed my instant-messaging software to send random questions to our boss every hour. - They're all yes or no questions so he'll have the illusion of managing me. - Should I rotate the domain protocols so they wear out evenly? Yes.
090701 -- The results of our beta testing are in. - Our user interface triggered widespread despondency and self-mutilation. - Obviously we'll need to delay our launch for the public good. When did you become a communist?
090702 -- Marketing How do we market a product that is known to trigger despondency and self-mutilation? - So...it has a military application? - I thought it was just software, but before I knew it I was stabbing myself. Get me a trillion of these.
090703 -- Our product is so unsafe that the military wants to use it as a weapon. - Now the only way to satisfy our fiduciary duty is to foment war to boost our sales. - HEY, WHY'D YOU PUNCH A HOLE IN MY HAT!! That's a little thing we call marketing.
090704 -- The imperialists punched a hole in my hat!!! Revenge will be ours! - WALLA-WALLA WALLA-WALLA WALLA!!! - We don't do that. Mitten bump?
090705 -- I'm worried that I won't get a raise this year. - You shouldn't worry about that. - You should worry that you might lose your job in the next round of layoffs. - I should worry about that??? Well...probably not. - It makes more sense to worry
090705 -- about the entire company going out of business. - And that's nothing if the global economy collapses. - Maybe you should worry that the only viable livelihood of the future involves cannibalism. - Are you still worried about not getting a
090705 -- raise? Not so much.
090706 -- Dogbert The CEO We'll build a factory in every state. - Politicians will vote to throw huge pork projects our way to benefit their home states. - You're turning capitalism against democracy. You say weiner, I say winner.
090707 -- We won a huge government contract. - Now we need to follow all of our company policies plus every government procurement rule. - I feel like I'm being smothered by a damp mattress! That's what victory feels like!
090708 -- Catbert: Evil Director Of Human Resources Before I counsel you... - You might want to clench your various sphincters so your soul doesn't escape. - Is okay if I release a accounting party?
090709 -- I can't give you a bonus because another division had huge losses. - Remind me again why my bonus is tied to the performance of strangers? - I shouldn't tell you this, but we model our employee compensation program after practical jokes.
090710 -- Asok, the company isn't growing, and no one is quitting in this economy. - Your only hope for promotion is if a senior engineer dies. - I joined a gym! NO-OOO!
090711 -- Hi Graybeard. I brought you a brochure for a great retirement home. - I'm only 52. I'm not going to retire just so you can get promoted into my job. - Risky adventure?
090712 -- Dilbert, I want you to audit the software we have on our systems. - Why? So we know what we have. - Who will use the information? - It's just important to have. - It will be out of date before I'm even done. - Do your best. - The best way to
090712 -- compile inaccurate information that no one wants is to make it up. - I hope no one ever comes here to learn our best practices.
090713 -- Our company has replaced styrofoam cups with paper cups to save the planet. - They work just as well if you use a dead squirrel as an oven mitten. - This one has some fight left in him.
090714 -- We replaced our styrofoam cups with paper cups, but it's not so clear that it helps the planet. - We didn't do it to help the planet. We did it to look like the sort of company that cares about that sort of thing. - Oh. In that case it's
090714 -- working great. As soon as you stop whining.
090715 -- I've been asked to chronicle your rise to management for the company newsletter. - So far, I have the story of how your father was a barrel-shaped moron who married a blind woman. - But it could have been the other way around. I'm mostly
090715 -- guessing. Lucky guess.
090716 -- For the company newsletter profile, I need to know how you rose from being an ignorant baboon to an overpaid speed bump. - And make it not boring. I'M NOT AN OVERPAID SPEED BUMP! - My fact-checker will need to see your pay stub.
090717 -- Mordac, The Preventer Of Information Services. May I use this laptop that no one else is using? - Np, but you can have my old pizza box while you waterboard yourself in your own tears. - I guess that's better than nothing. Really? In that case
090717 -- you can't have it.
090718 -- I need you to do product testing for our new release. - How could I possibly have time for all the work you keep giving me? - Have you tried sacrificing your health? DO I LOOK LIKE I CAN RUN MARATHONS?
090719 -- Did you see my suggestions for your presentation? - Yes, I rejected them. They aren't optional. - Then why do you call them suggestions? - Sometimes I call things the wrong names to improve morale. - You should say what you're thinking. I can
090719 -- handle the truth. - Fine. Make all of the changes I want, you ignorant hump. - And do it now while I mock you with sheep noises. Baaaa! Baaaa! Baaaa! - Maybe your first way was better. NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE YOU!
090720 -- I'm sending you to an anger management class because of your recent outburst against your boss. - When one is being abused by a figure of authority, anger is a healthy and appropriate response. - Right. We want less of that.
090721 -- Welcome to Eddy's School of Anger Management. I'm Eddy. - I was once like you: Angry at every idiot in the world. How'd you stop being angry at idiots? - I created a school so they'd give me money while I insult them.
090722 -- The prototype is done. Take a look at the user interface. - It works great, but make sure this thing is totally idiot-proof. - Again?
090723 -- I've been asked to cut the fat out of this department. - If the department has fat in it, that's a symptom of bad management. Maybe you should fire yourself. - I wasn't asking for suggestions. Geez, way to be critical during the brainstorming.
090724 -- As usual, my coworkers have filled in every space on my Outlook calendar. - Now I am only a puppet hurtling toward failure. - Hey there, failure puppet! I hoped it wasn't so obvious.
090725 -- Tina, answer this customer complaint. And remember, the customer is always an idiot. - I think you mean the customer is always...um...oh my... - QUICK! POP YOUR EARS SO YOUR HEAD DOESN'T EXPLODE! GURK!
090726 -- How much will it cost to develop our next generation product? - It will cost whatever you put in the budget. - How much should I put in the budget? - Ask for the biggest number you think will get approved. - If we get a lot of money we can
090726 -- build something great. - If we don't get much money we can build something lame, and compensate for the lack of quality by lying more vigorously than usual. - I'll aim low so I don't get yelled at during the executive budget meeting. - I
090726 -- remember a time when this sort of thing would haunt me.
090727 -- Can you review my letter to this customer who complained? - "Tell the spiders living in your skull that we'll look into it." - Good writing should never be predictable. Then it's perfect.
090728 -- Dogbert The CEO I'm nearing retirement, so fire the research and development group. - The cost cutting will goose my stock options so I can cash out before the death spiral. - Please don't make the noise. Too late! CH-CHING!
090729 -- I hired an arrogant guy with a huge forehead. He's on your project. - Great. Everything this guy says will seem more annoying than usual because of his huge forehead! - I keep a wine glass with me all the time. I'm a foodie. Case in point!
090730 -- The Foodie With A Huge Forehead Mmmm a pomme de terre fritte with sea salt and just a hint of rosemary. - PUNCH! - That was a french fry. And much like yourself, it was a salted.
090731 -- Catbert: Evil Director Of Human Resources My old policy was to have security immediately escort out anyone I fired. - SPROING! - But that left too much time for weeping.
090801 -- Catbert: Evil Director Of Human Resources With your skills, you have a variety of career options. - For example, you could flap your arms and fly to a planet that places a high value on morons. - Etcetera.
090802 -- I want you three to out together a teamwork award program. - If we do a good job, can we give ourselves the award? - No. - Great. Now i have no incentive to do a good job on this award thing. - Keeping your job should be all the incentive you
090802 -- need. - Then why does *anyone* need a teamwork award? - Let's just slap something together and randomly nominate people. - I got a teamwork award and yet I feel no different. Yup.
090803 -- I multitask during conference calls. - Is it wrong to value my own productivity over the inane babbling of others? - Buy bread...pickles...light bulbs... Hello?
090804 -- Our VP of sales asks that you answer customer questions through the sales reps, not directly. - Is the goal to reduce the timeliness of my answers or just to filter out the accuracy? - Why are you like this? - Should I tell *you* or the sales
090804 -- reps?
090805 -- Hey, engineer, can I ask you a question? - I'm not allowed to talk to customers. We believe that honesty impedes sales. - I think you just impeded. Oops.
090806 -- Did you tell a customer that you're not allowed to talk to customers? Yes. - YOU FOOL! THAT MAKES US LOOK LAME! What was I supposed to do when she asked me a question? - Did you have access to scissors?
090807 -- According to the Book Of Wally, I should use something called "preemptive guilt" to avoid work. - Exactly. If you wait until after you get an assignment, it is already too late for guilt. - Stress killed both of my parents. The doctors said they
090807 -- worked too hard.
090808 -- The successful work-avoider combines a fake eagerness to help with just a hint of likely failure. - Wally, I need load calcs in an hour. No problem! Unless my computer keeps crashing like it did in the morning. - I'll ask someone else. I AM
090808 -- BEGGING YOU TO LET ME HELP! Wow!
090809 -- Our new data center is complete. - The only wrinkle is that the power company won't give us the kilowatts we need. - What are our options? - Well, we can run the servers without air conditioning. - Until they melt into a toxic blob. - Then we
090809 -- can turn the building into a museum that celebrates poor planning. - Or we could all quit our jobs and eat bugs to survive. - Let's go with the toxic blob, but we need to call it something else. Convergence!
090810 -- It takes an average of five people to approve any action in this company, and at any given time, three are on vacation. - Should I violate our company culture of consensus building, or just sit around and do nothing for lack of buy-in? - Did
090810 -- you mention flailing around in futility? I was hoping you forgot that option.
090811 -- I see my job as giving you the information you need to make the right decision. - I see your job as E-mailing me links to web sites full of stale and incomplete information. - Can we go back to pretending I'm useful? Sure. I'll give you a pity
090811 -- listen.
090812 -- If I don't have enough time to do things right, should I just do nothing? - Or do you prefer that I miss deadlines, or do shoddy work, or pray for divine intervention? - I want everything fast and perfect. Can I buy a prayer rug?
090813 -- Your order will only cost about $20,000. No, it won't. - We both know you're intentionally underestimating the true cost to get the sale, you lying sack of apit. - You're not supposed to say that out loud. Is it okay if I imagine a bear
090813 -- attacking you?
090814 -- Someone borrowed the unit you asked to see, so I'll show you pictures of models you aren't interested in. - There's one you don't want...and you sure don't want that one... - And how does this help? Would you like a CD of products we no longer
090814 -- carry?
090815 -- Dogbert The CEO Gas up the jet, Flunky. I'm going skiing in Aspen. - Using the corporate jet for a vacation sends the wrong message. - And you can't ski in the summer. What message do forty planeloads of snow send?
090816 -- It's time to stir the soup. - I think Ted is stealing. - You know how sometimes you can't find things in your office? - Um...yes. That only happens on days when Ted has been in the building. - And I think he was wearing a new sock the other
090816 -- day. Have you ever lost a sock? . HE'S BEEN IN MY HOUSE?! - Either that or your wife and Ted have some sort or arrangement. - Ted... It makes my lack of accomplishments seem unimportant.
090817 -- I just forgot what it's like to be one of the little people. - It's liberating because I have no empathy for your suffering. - And how is this different? Now I have a reason.
090818 -- I found a less expensive delivery service for our overseas packages. - Find someone who is traveling to the same country as the package, shoot him with a tranquilizer dart, and hide the package under his hat. - The first day of any new system
090818 -- is always a problem.
090819 -- We have new software for performance reviews. - It has a category for everything. - Fish-faced nincompoop! Bingo!
090820 -- I need you to keep this information to yourself. Can you do that? - Well, obviously I'd have to weigh the benefits of sharing it versus the risk of getting caught. - It's sort of a dumb question if you think about it.
090821 -- Dogbert The CEO We're getting into the financial services game. - That way all of our products can be imaginary. - Can you give me reliable investment advice? Yes, as far as you know.
090822 -- Dogbert The CEO  We'll start ten mutual funds, each with randomly chosen stocks. - Later we'll build our advertisements around whichever one does the best purely by chance. - My goal is to be the premier provider of imaginary expertise. WAG!
090822 -- WAG!
090823 -- Our next presenter is Dilbert. - I put together a slide show and video. - While it's running, I'll perform a humorous rap song about the benefits of our product. - Then each of you will wear a funny hat and participate in a skit. - Later we'll
090823 -- enjoy a ventriloquist who dresses in a beaver suit and threatens to eat his dummy. - We'll top it off with a trivia contest, prizes, and fireworks in the atrium. - What can you do in two minutes? We need to catch a plane. - I should have gone
090823 -- with the slide show. MMPH
090824 -- I spent the first part of the week installing our new productivity software. - Then I used the rest of the week trying to make it interface with our time reporting system. - So far all it can do is tell me how much time I'm wasting in this
090824 -- meeting.
090825 -- My productivity software turned on me. - It keep crashing my computer. But that's okay because I don't need a computer to do my job. - Do you have any assignments that are sort of pre-industrial?
090826 -- Performance Review You need to get better at anticipating problems. - If I could anticipate problems, I wouldn't have agreed to work for you. - You seem angry. I did not see that coming.
090827 -- And that was the last time I yanked a cable just to find out what would happen. - How many inane stories do I have to hear before I can speak to someone who knows something? - She's a story hater.
090828 -- I judge potential mates by their cell phone apps. Hand it over. - You have an app that does nothing but hurl pirate insults. That is so stupid. This date is over. - Don't let the door hit you in the booty. Aaaargh!
090829 -- Asok, rummage through the piles on my desk and find yourself something to do. - Afterward, chastise yourself for not doing it the way I would have. Even if you would have done it wrong? - Especially then. No one likes a show-off.
090830 -- Is there any risk the new software will erase our payroll data? - Um...no. Did you ask the vendor that question? - Well, no, I... Then you can't be sure, can you? - We outsource our payroll service. The payroll data isn't even on our servers. -
090830 -- Isn't everything connected to everything else by the Internet? - You want me to ask our vendor if his software will hunt down our payroll data from across the Internet and try to kill it? - And you think he might say yes? Better safe than
090830 -- sorry. - Later That Day Yes, sometimes it does that. You're the first to ask. Shoot me.
090831 -- I need you to attend a three-day industry standards meeting in Elbonia. Why Elbonia? - Because Elbonia is the worst place on earth. The member companies don't  want this to look like a boondoggle. - I guess three days won't be so bad. You're
090831 -- not allowed to eat.
090901 -- Industry Standards Meeting In Elbonia Let's adopt my company's specs as the industry standard. - YOUR SPECIFICATIONS ARE WEAK, AND SO IS YOUR KUNG FU. - From that day on, all standards meetings were held in the mud of Elbonia. can't...kick!
090901 -- Stupid...mud!
090902 -- How did the industry standards meeting go? - did you convince 83 companies to adopt standards that benefit only us while dooming the entire industry in the long run? - Or are you a complete failure? Can I hear those choices again?
090903 -- Can I work from home? There are too many distractions in the office. - Don't you have just as many distractions at your house? - Not unless my idiot couch starts questioning all of my great suggestions.
090904 -- How are your kids? I don't have any kids. - Are you sure? That's the sort of thing I'd remember. - Maybe they're hiding. BE WRONG! JUST BE WRONG!
090905 -- I hired my unemployed golf buddy to consult. What are his qualifications? - He has two qualifications: he's unemployed *and* he's a gold buddy. - I recommended firing the whistleblower and playing nine before it gets dark.
090906 -- Can you approve this change? - I'll have to run it by my corporate office. - And we're in merger talks. so they'll need to clear it with our future owners. - No one will know who should make the decision or what the right decision is. - When do
090906 -- you think you'll have an answer? - Sometime between next week and whenever the earth is devoured by a gravitational singularity. - Meanwhile I will avoid your calls and E-Mails by becoming a vapor. - You forgot the approval form.
090907 -- Welcome to your first day in the job. - Always lock your desk at night because many of your coworkers are crooks. - And the ones that have eyes like this got hired before we did drug testing.
090908 -- Employee theft is on the rise because of the economy. - FOOP! FOOP! - They finally figured out how to work as a team.
090909 -- According to my analysis, all future ideas are already covered by over-general patents. - Our best strategy is to get out of this business and become trademark infringement lawyers. - I don't know how to be a lawyer. That only matters if you
090909 -- take cases on a contingency basis.
090910 -- Ted, your new responsibility is to keep the pigeons from defiling our ledges. - Are you hoping this awful assignment will cause me to quit? Not at all. - Are you hoping I'll fall out a window? Maybe you should stop guessing now.
090911 -- Gabe was downsized when his last employer had financial troubles. I was lucky to hire him. - Because they always downsize their best employees first? - Sorry. I didn't mean to put it in context.
090912 -- I need more resources on my project. I'll give you someone from Alice's project. - Then Alice won't haver enough resources. I can only solve one problem at a time. - Did he solve your problem? I'm going to say yes.
090913 -- ...and those are the four things I need you to ask our VP of marketing. Got it. - Maybe you should write them down. I'll remember. - You have a lot on your mind. A little note might be a good idea. - How hard is it to remember three things?
090913 -- Sheesh! - FOUR things! There are FOUR questions! - Right, right. There's the one about the battery, and the other two. - THERE ARE FOUR QUESTIONS! FOUR, FOUR, FOUR!!! AND NONE OF THEM ARE ABOUT A BATTERY! - Later That Day Should the new
090913 -- software have a battery? How would I know?
090914 -- Dogbert The CEO We need to make our pricing plan more confusing. - And change our packaging to that hard plastic that always cuts the consumers' hands. - I've been in a bad mood since everyone started talking about capping my excessive pay.
090915 -- Dogbert The CEO I can't tell if my pay is excessive enough. - So I created a lab to test the reaction of hobos to my different pay scenarios. - It's your turn to find the next hobo.
090916 -- Alice, I thought it was time for us to have a little mentoring session. - How does this make sense when I'm more capable than you in every important way? - Maybe we can skip the part where I say you need to be more confident and speak out at
090916 -- meetings. Duh.
090917 -- I have invested all of my self-esteem in this PowerPoint presentation. - It is all that I am and all that I will be. It is a digital reckoning of my value. - Did they catch the chimp who made our slides? Ow. Ow. Ow.
090918 -- CEO Summit Obviously it's illegal for companies to rig bids. - But interestingly, the crime is nearly impossible to prove when nothing is written down. - I'd like you to meet Eddie. Pay close attention to how many times he stomps his hoof.
090919 -- CEO Summit Do you collude? Sometimes. - Are you colluding with anyone now, because I'd sure like to collude with you. - What are you into? Maybe a little price-fixing? This is all happening so fast.
090920 -- Strategy Meeting The weak economy is limiting our strategic options. - I won't sugarcoat anything. - Option one is a long slide to oblivion. - Option two is a death spiral. - Our new company logo is a man getting sucked into a toilet. - Our
090920 -- revised mission statement is "Forage During Daylight. Hide At Night." - I'll pass out clubs, and you can decide among yourselves how to downsize by fifty percent. - Is it just me or was it better when they sugarcoated?
090921 -- I did no work this week because I judged the user's specifications to be inadequate. - Should I continue to do nothing or do you prefer I use incomplete specs to produce useless designs? - The next thing to hear is something called leadership.
090922 -- Tina, you can't work at home anymore because the admins can't do it, and they're jealous. - I'm a technical writer. Why don't you explain to the admins that my job is different from theirs. - When you find a big kettle of crazy, it's best not
090922 -- to stir it.
090923 -- What kind of moot is he in? Tired and fussy. - Also confused, bumbling, clueless, arrogant, short, bald and pudgy. - He's right behind you. Add "angry." Good luck.
090924 -- From now on, we will refer to all of our problems as opportunities. - One of your idiot spawn was playing with the oven and burned down your house. - Camping opportunity?
090925 -- You're paying contractors to do work that I could do if I weren't always in unproductive meetings. - You could hire temps to attend the unproductive meetings for me, and fire the more expensive contractors. - Why don't I understand what you
090925 -- just said? Because it made sense?
090926 -- Moving forward, we'll go after the low-hanging fruit at the end of the day. Ha ha! - I like the way you used humor to mock the vacuous way managers speak. - snork* Which part was humor? I'll just be quiet now.
090927 -- Dilbert, I want you to develop a procedure for creating policies. - Do we have a policy on how to develop procedures? - I think someone wrote a white paper on that. - What's the procedure for finding white papers? - Maybe you could ask around.
090927 -- - Later That Night So, what do you do? - I ask around to see if anyone knows about a white paper that talks about a policy for developing procedures to create policies. - You find that sexy. STOP DOING THE JEDI MIND TRICK!
090928 -- Negotiating In A Bad Economy My company is so poor that we need a 20% price reduction or we'll go belly-up. - My company is so poor that our only chance of eating involves throwing office supplies at low-flying birds. - Shall we say 10%? Out
090928 -- health plan is "screaming."
090929 -- Retirement Planning I A Bad Economy Retirement planning is all about timing. - I'm planning to die from global warming on the same day I run out of money. - That's one more advantage of being frail. I figure an hour without sunscreen ought to
090929 -- do the trick.
090930 -- Vacationing In A Bad Economy I can't afford a big vacation this year. - So I bought some kitty litter and a 100-watt bulb. It's exactly like being at the beach. - This could turn ugly.
091001 -- Catbert: Evil Director Of Human Resources According to your skills inventory, the only thing you are good at is... - ...diverting attention from your own lack of value. - Is it just me, or is there a deadly gas leak in the building? ERK!
091002 -- I need you to got to Elbonia and do some hand-holding while they cut over to the new system. - Because they're incompetent? And lonely. - I'm not comfortable with this. Mud wine?
091003 -- Dogbert The CEO We need another economic bubble to drive up our stock value. - Assemble the Illuminati! - As usual, I'll create the media frenzy, Dogbert will manipulate prices, and Ixpu will vaporize the whistle-blowers.
091004 -- We find you fascinating. - You do? Oh, yes. Every little thing you do is interesting. - I didn't know that. Hey, I just had an idea. - Maybe you should use Twitter to leave us little messages about all of your daily activities. - It would make
091004 -- us feel connected to our leader, and dare I say, more motivated. - Well, gosh, I suppose I could try it. - I already feel an improvement in my quality of life. - Where's idiot boy now? In the parking lot. No need to look busy yet.
091005 -- It's funny that YOU'RE  evaluating ME. - Because I understand how to do YOUR job, but you have no idea how to do MY job. - For example, right now you're going to say something that doesn't help the stockholders.
091006 -- Asok, we're hosting a forum for human resources activities, and I need you to organize it. - Gaaa!!!That will be like trying to herd cats. What did you just say? - I'm not a racist. DENIAL IS PROOF!
091007 -- Tina, I just learned that your pay is 20% below the industry average for your job. - I will correct this injustice, no matter what it takes! - You would do that for me? You have my word that I will lower the industry average!
091008 -- Carol, I'd like to talk to you about your career goals. - My career goal is to take over the department by tricking you into a fatal accident, then telling everyone you're just working from home. - That's not right. So you're saying I should
091008 -- set my goals low?
091009 -- Did the executive steering committee approve my project? - We agreed on a predecisional draft framework for making the decision. - Does that mean anything? It depends on what you mean by "anything."
091010 -- Wally, I need you to do an inventory in our warehouses. It should take about a month. - Hypothetically, would anyone notice the difference if I just made up the numbers? - Well, no... DREAM JOB!
091011 -- Today we'll discuss ways to improve our workflow process. - As you know, a good process is a substitute for good employees. - The ultimate goal is to simplify our process so much... - That we can train chicken to do your jobs in return for
091011 -- pellets. - We'll begin by discussing our process for funding new projects. - Could any of our processes be replaced by, for example, ringing a bell with your beak? - Yes, but only the part you do. - There's a wrinkle in the plan. Pellet.
091012 -- Wally, are you done with your project yet? I'll be done next week. - You've said, "next week" for seven weeks in a row. What makes you think I'm going to believe it this time? - The first six times?
091013 -- The company urges all of you to E-Mail your congressman and support the bill that gives us pork projects. - If that bill becomes law, it will, in effect, transfer my tax money to you executives for your next obscene bonuses. - Don't you own
091013 -- company stock in your retirement account? No, I'm only dumb enough to work here.
091014 -- The CEO And The Senator It wouldn't be legal for me to bribe you. - So I hired your wife as a consultant despite the fact that she thinks "present value" is some sort of gift card. - And I wrote some legislation for you because you're a lazy
091014 -- thief. Ha ha! Let's call that "access."
091015 -- Now what do I do? Click some buttons and see what happens. You can't hurt anything. - FZZEET! - In my defense, that hardly ever happens.
091016 -- Alice, I'd like you to work with Ted on this project. - Ted's a drama queen. Working with him will just slow me down. - Hello? Human resources? Alice is being a bully. And o it begins.
091017 -- Ted The Drama Queen I can't attend the meeting Tuesday because Barry thinks I didn't return his flash drive. - I'm afraid of him because he's a liar and a drunk, and I heard he killed a cab driver. - I'd wear a disguise, bus prosthetic
091017 -- adhesives give me hives. Must...control...jack...hammer. buddabuddabudda
091018 -- I need you to write a white paper for an industry trade association. - Fine, but that will leave me with less time to work on my project. - Do the trade association stuff during your unproductive time. - What exactly is my "unproductive time"?
091018 -- - It goes by many names, including sleep. leisure and healthy lifestyle. - If I do less of these things it will reduce the quality of my life below the point at which good hygiene has any utility. - I don't want to make out with you. I just
091018 -- want you to work harder for no extra money. - I spend too much time explaining the obvious.
091019 -- Why didn't you get my input on the vendor selection? I tried, but... - You're so easily distracted that for all practical purposes you're nothing but furniture with coffee breath. - Where were we? You were praising me for my good attitude.
091020 -- Wally, you didn't E-Mail me your project status. Did you check your spam folder? - Maybe you should check there before besmirch my good name with your baseless accusations. - Did you send it? Okay, I see how you're trying to turn this all
091022 -- around.
091021 -- Dogbert The CEO Consumer confidence is up, and that means more people will buy our products. - I'm off to take random management changes so I can take credit for the improved economy. - It's working? Sales are up!
091022 -- Dogbert The CEO I want to win a humanitarian award. - But I don't want to touch anyone who is sick. Or poor. Or unattractive. - Do you want to donate your time or your money? I'm hoping to donate *your* time and the stockholders' money.
091023 -- It feels good when you volunteer to help others. - That's why I talked some poor Elbonians into mowing our lawn for free. I want them to feel the joy of giving. - All I'm feeling is tired. rrrrr Try doing it faster.
091024 -- Asok, I'm putting you in charge of pandemic contingency planning. - Calculate the impact on our business if 50% of our employees are unable to be productive. - That's twice as good as we're doing now. Just make some slides that say it would be
091024 -- bad.
091025 -- Dilbert, I need you to take care of...um... - ...whatever is on the top of my pile. - This is a job for marketing, not engineering. - Give it to the director of marketing and ask him to assign it to someone. - So...you're delegating to me to
091025 -- pass this off to someone else, who will delegate it to someone else. - With each handoff, the sense of urgency will diminish until the likelihood of completion approaches zero. - You could save the company money by crumpling up this document
091025 -- and throwing it away right now. - This feels wrong. Try using more wrist.
091026 -- Pandemic Planning In the worst-case scenario, the only survivors would be cockroaches and Alice. - POW! POW! POW! - Airborne virus. It's safe now. I broke its protein coat.
091027 -- If I do a great job with the pandemic contingency planning, can I have a bonus? - I won't know if you did a great job unless we actually have a pandemic emergency. - So...if there *is* a pandemic, I might get a bonus? I don't like where this is
091027 -- heading.
091028 -- Alice, remove the toys from your cubicle. It sends the wrong message. - You mean the message that says this company is a creative environment that values the individual? - Exactly. We're going for more of an egg carton vibe.
091029 -- I have a great stock tip for you, Alice. - And I should trust you because you're an expert on all things except your own ridiculous hair? - I also know a lot about old cars. Shocker.
091030 -- We're moving our data center to Elbonia to save money. - That seems a bit dangerous since every Elbonian is an identity thief. What? - It seemed like an exxageration, but it wasn't. Hi, I'm old man Podemkin. I was him this morning!
091031 -- What exactly is your Halloween costume supposed to be? - I'm going for a village idiot vibe, with a dash of Quasimodo. - Why does it seem so familiar? I'm someone's management style.
091101 -- Could you make these changes in the database? It will only take 5 minutes. - Oooh, I don't know... Wait! - Are you planning to spend ten minutes explaining why you don't have five minutes to do this task? - Or are you so incompetent that a
091101 -- five-minute task will take an hour? - Or are you limited by a company policy because you're a feckless wate of carbon? - Or are you the agreeable but unorganized type who will say yes, lose my note, and forget who asked? - I was planning to
091101 -- tell you this doesn't need to be done and refuse to change my position even after you give me good reasons. - Experience is just another word for losing hope.
091102 -- My prescription meds cause drowsiness. - So I got a second prescription that causes phantom-hand syndrome to slap me at random intervals. - Maybe you should use a doctor who has less-effective pharmaceutical reps in his territory. FIST!
091103 -- I need you to take these pills because the pharmaceutical rep is smoking hot. - It might have some side effects, but the "guy code" says you have to be my wingman if I ask. - Apparently he subscribes to a literal interpretation of the guy code.
091104 -- My prescription meds have a side effect that made me grow wings. - But I can turn it sexy by flying you over the city on this moonlit night. - Seriously, how many appetizers did you have?
091105 -- Catbert: Evil Director Of Human Resources My prescription meds caused me to grow wings. - I have a sudden urge to kill you because you're different. - But that would be wrong. "Wrong" is one of those concepts that depends on witnesses.
091106 -- These pills should get rid of the wings that the last pills gave you as a side effect. - It's an off-label use, but I have a good feeling about it. - What now? At this point, sinning is your best bet.
091107 -- Please ignore my wings and halo. They are side effects from my prescription meds. - Anyway, my pointy-haired boss asked me to tell you that we will finish the prototype on time and on budget. - POOF! POOF! That is one bad tell you got there.
091108 -- And then Ted said he'd... Ho ho! I've seen that a million times! - At my old job we used to make cricket noises whenever our manager was approaching. - But that doesn't mean you should cut corners when it comes to quality. - You're hijacking our
091108 -- conversation! I'm adding value. - You don't even know what we were talking about. - Apparently you have a social disorder that compels you to insert irrelevant stories and trite observations into other people's observations. - I assume part of
091108 -- the disorder involves not being able to recognize it in yourself. - I wonder if he can hear us. Did I tell you about my camping trip?
091109 -- Topper The value of my home is down about 40%. That's nothing! - I paid a homeless Elbonian family a million dollars to take my house. - A recession isn't a competition. Said the loser.
091110 -- My company typically takes about for months to negotiate this type of contract. - And during that time there's a 100% chance that we'll change our minds or you'll discontinue the product. - Shall we save some time by declaring failure and
091110 -- blaming each other? I gave up before I even handed you the contract.
091111 -- Your age group has destroyed the hopes of my entire generation. - Your parents were the so-called "Greatest Generation." I wonder what *your* age group will be known as. - I'll bet it includes the word "bag."
091112 -- Gaaa! I feel a sudden pang of caring about the quality of my work! - GLUG GLUG GLUG GLUG - Did you kill it? I think so, but I'd better roll a donut in front of the cave.
091113 -- Wally, when you don't give 100%, it's unfair to your co-workers who have to pick up the slack. - Actually, I'm pretty sure they like having less  competition for raises. - There's no budget for raises this year. Yeah, I wouldn't mention that to
091113 -- the others.
091114 -- Do you have many relatives? Yes, I have a huge family. - In any given week, how many of them are dying, graduating, going to jail, or getting married? Maybe...six. - When would you have time for work? I have to go. Someone fell out of a tree.
091115 -- Dilbert, I'd like you to meet one of our biggest customers. She has some technical questions. - WHOA! GET THAT DISEASE-INFESTED PAW AWAY FROM ME! - Don't you follow the news? Shaking hands is so 2008. - No offense, but you look more like a
091115 -- virus incubator than a vigorous hand washer. - So why don't you pull that death stick back up your sleeve and we can pretend this ugly incident never happened. - And if it's not too much, could you exhale towards things I'm unlikely to touch?
091115 -- - Okay, now that the pleasantries are out of the way, what can I tell you about our new product line? - We lost a customer, but I survived the meeting. Next time, do it the other way.
091116 -- Who need training to keep up with technology trends? Me. - You're fired. I only want people who already know how to do their jobs. - I did not see that coming. They don't have a class to fix that.
091117 -- Dogbert The CEO We're going into the Internet news business. - We're hiring reporters? No, we'll summarize stories from other sites and provide links. - So...we'll be parasites? Go buy a vinyl record, grandpa.
091118 -- Let's implement cloud computing so I have something to talk about at the executive meeting. - Tell them we're evaluating it. That way neither of us needs to do any real work. - I like it when you do real work. Sorry. I thought you were leading
091118 -- by example.
091119 -- Mordac, The Preventer Of Information Resources Cloud computing is no good because strangers would have access to our data. - I trust encryption way more than I trust Spock-eyed sociopaths. - When you mention a person's ears, he won't listen to
091119 -- the rest of your argument.
091120 -- Dogbert The CEO Floyd, I'm giving you a C-level title. - You'll be the chief janitorial officer, in charge of all dirt, germs, dead critters and problematic excretions. - Is it because I'm so important? What answer would make you clean up poop
091120 -- faster?
091121 -- Dogbert The CEO Employees are so important to me that our head of human resources will get a C-level title. - Edna will be out CPO, or chief people officer. - Take a seat over there by the chief artificial coffee creamer officer.
091122 -- My insolence safety zone has expanded. Your what? - It's a measure of how rude I can be without fear of consequences. - You have no budget to give me a raise, so I have no potential gain from acting professionally. - And it would be
091122 -- inconvenient for you to fire a highly experienced engineer and try to bring a new one up to speed. - So from now on, when you ask me to do something stupid, which is most of the time... - I'll roll my eyes, make a dismissive grunt and do this
091122 -- dance. phhht! - HEY WALLA-WALLA WALLA! BOOPITA BOOPITA BOOPITA! - You finally raised my morale. Good work on that.
091123 -- We have the best hidden costs of any vendor. - Our upgrade and maintenance fees won't kick in until you've already received a bonus for reducing costs. - Please, pleas, please be a sociopath. Sounds good. I'm not a big fan of our stockholders.
091124 -- I decided to twitter because everything that pops into my head is fascinating. - I don't have time to write entire sentences, so I'll just send out one word per day. - Riboflavin.
091125 -- We need more of what the management experts call "employee engagement." - I don't know the details, but it has something to do with you idiots working harder for that same pay. - Is anything different on *your* end? I think I'm supposed to be
091125 -- happier.
091126 -- Carol, I want you to feel emotionally invested in the vision and mission of the company. - My only emotion is anger. You can have as much of it as you want. - Maybe I can inspire you with my leadership. I feel like I'm wearing concrete
091126 -- underpants.
091127 -- I didn't understand anything you said for the past half an hour. - You shushed me every time I tried to interrupt with a question. - Now we're out of time, and my only memory of this meeting is that noise came out of your donut hole. THIS is
091127 -- why I don't let you talk.
091128 -- Ted, I just got the results of your security clearance background check. - Homeland security ordered me to beat you to death with our emergency preparedness binder. - BUT...I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING WRONG! I might have said some things about your
091128 -- new beard.
091129 -- Dilbert, this is Ellen, your new project manager. - If you do a bad job, Ellen will be on you like a ton of bricks. - And if you do a good job, she will feel threatened by your success and make it her mission to destroy you. - Wait...what? -
091129 -- Did you just tell me I'm going to lose no matter what I do? - If you can't stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen. - And by kitchen I mean the entire job market. And the gene pool. - I have a bad feeling about this. YOUR ANGIUSH NOURISHES ME!
091130 -- The director of our top secret research group wants to borrow me for six months. - During that time, you will not know where I am, or what I'm working on. - I need to hear this from the director. I'll ask him to E-mail you from his GMail
091130 -- account.
091201 -- Our model comes in 27 models with over 9,000 options. - Given my limited time to study the options, you have guaranteed that I will make a suboptimal choice. - Thanks for making me a failure.  Well, it's not really "selling" if we both win.
091202 -- I'm stepping down as CEO because I already milked all of the cash out of this dying cow. MOO! - My replacement is a dried-up corpse. But don't worry; he's just a placeholder until a new CEO can be found. - The faint breeze is blowing away his
091202 -- head. You should probably hurry.
091203 -- My cubicle is surrounded by loud idiots who make it impossible for me to concentrate on my work. - Did you create a presentation on why you couldn't do the presentation you're supposed to be doing? Yes. - Wouldn't it have been just as easy to
091203 -- create the actual presentation? I'm hoping to use this more than once.
091204 -- Here's the mountain of facts that support my recommended technology strategy. - And here's a tiny thimble that holds everything you know about technology. Maybe you could... - Leaders don't like it when you suggest they wear the thimble of
091204 -- knowledge like a little hat.
091205 -- Our new director of marketing is an angry demon of some sort. - He's in charge of making our prices impossible for customers to understand. - What the #%!** kind of price is "it depends"? He makes me say these things.
091206 -- Dogbert The CEO Sales have been lagging. - I want each of you to cold-call ten customers per day. - We're engineers. We don't know how to sell. - Just follow this script. It's guaranteed to close every sale. - Hello. I'm calling on behalf of
091206 -- the police. and fire-fighters' charity for for unattractive youths. - If you send us $500 we will send you a lovely piece of software as a thank you gift. - Otherwise, when your house catches fire, you might find yourself handcuffed in the
091206 -- refrigerator. - Dilbert? Is that you? Hi, mom. I'm in sales now.
091207 -- I need a project estimate for my project, but I don't have a scope or a design for it yet. - Okay, my estimate is $3,583,729. - You don't know anything about my project. That makes two of us.
091208 -- After eight months, senior management finally approved your project plan. - It's too late. All of the technology has changed and our competitors leapfrogged us. - Maybe you could write a new plan. Or we could get the same result by resubmitting
091208 -- this one.
091209 -- If we work day and night, we can match our competitor's features within twelve months. - Are we catching up to where they will be in a year, which is unknowable, or where are they now, which is stupid? - Well payed. I got the next one!
091210 -- Can I send our requirements to your fax? Absolutely. - I'll just travel back in time to 1995, when faxing was a good thing to handle this sort of thing. - You realize I'm a customer, right? Until you spend all of your money on new fax machines.
091211 -- Give me a call sometime. Maybe. - I'll need to do a complete forensic analysis of your business card. - Your home phone is a landline. That must come in handy when someone calls from 1993.
091212 -- There is a huge disconnect between my enormous technical knowledge and the trivial tasks you assign to me. - That's a temporary situation, Asok. Okay, good. - Eventually your technical skills will become outdated.
091213 -- Wally, can you take a look at this? - I'd be delighted. What's your project charge code? - It will only take a minute. Are you suggesting that I lie about my time? - It's only *one* minute. - By that line of reasoning, it's okay to steal, as
091213 -- long as you don't take too much. - Incidentally, I have to charge you for the time it just took to label you a thief. - FORGET IT! I'LL ASK SOMEONE ELSE! - Let's call that "overhead."
091214 -- My computer kept locking up, so I had to let off some steam. - You can't fix your computer by punching it! - Why would I punch *my* computer? That's crazy. Alice?
091215 -- After you punched that monitor, the broken printer started working. hummmm - They were on the same network. Word gets around. - And you won't need passwords for a while. Please don't hurt me.
091216 -- Do you prefer that I spend the day planning, which doesn't look like work? - Or should I plunge into my project with aggressive randomness? - He told you to not work? He doesn't know it yet.
091217 -- We haven't heard from engineering yet. What do you think, Alice? - I think several mediocre minds concocted an impractical plan. - Could you be more specific? Sure. You're one of them. And this guy is another...
091218 -- If I don't do what you ask me to do, it's because my hearing aid fell in the toilet. - I didn't know you had a hearing problem. EH? WHAT? EH? - You could try E-mailing me, but I have my spam filter cranked up to "Taliban."
091219 -- This invoice is for twice as much as your bid. - Duh. You wouldn't have given us the job if we told you how much it was really going to cost. - If it makes you feel any better, all of the other bidders lied too. We're just better at it.
091220 -- Please order a new stapler for me. Did your old one break? - Only in spirit. - Every person who came into my cubicle picked it up and fiddled with it. - At first I would wipe off the cooties and try to forget. - In time, my stapler became
091220 -- imbued with the sorrow and desperation of every dead-ender that fondled it. - I covered it with a plastic bowl, ant taped it to the desk so no fumes can escape. - If you're wondering why your chair is warm, it's because I borrowed it for a
091220 -- meeting. - What's the biggest bowl you can order?
091221 -- I work here to pay the bills, but I'm actually an artist. - Wow. You must be a terrible artist if you have to work here just to eat. - My work isn't commercial. It's not really art if no one likes it.
091222 -- Our customer is asking for features we can't possibly deliver. - Say we can. We'll disappoint them later when it's too late to back out. - Leaders don't like it when you compare things to their honeymoons.
091223 -- You've made a number of inaccurate statements during the course of this date. - I don't want to break the romantic mood, so I'll send you an E-mail with links that you can review on your own time. - It sounds like you two are over. Would it
091223 -- hurt my tip if I take a run at her?
091224 -- We pooled our bonus checks and got you this gift. - It's empty. - Oh. Better luck next year.
091225 -- Merry Christmas.  Here's a hundred bucks. And here's a hundred bucks for you. - We could save another step by setting up an electronic transfer with an annual recurring option. Excellent. - Or we could give no gifts. Hush your crazy talk.
091226 -- Well, we can watch a cooking show and imagine what delicious food tastes like... - Or an action movie so we can imagine killing people while cracking jokes. - Maybe I can reword those choices to make us feel less like psychopathic hobos. Please
091226 -- do.
091227 -- I invented Silent Gary to help us decide on a technology direction. - We think he's a genius because he has a beard and he never speaks. - Gary, do you think we should use open source software for our support platform? - Here it comes. He's
091227 -- rubbing his beard and giving me creepy eye contact. - I detected a slight hint of disgust. It means Gary hates the idea! - Yes, it's all so obvious now. This is the worst idea in the history of mankind. - The meeting is over. Silent Gary has
091227 -- spoken. - You're actually a moron, aren't you? Don't ruin this for me.
091228 -- Ask Morgan what types of materials he recommends we should use for the case. - Morgan has no communication skills. Everything he knows is locked in his skull and will never come out. - Is this going to look like MY fault? QUITTER!
091229 -- Morgan: The Man With No Communication Skills Did you get the results from the stress tests yet? - Stress tests have to be performed under controlled conditions. - Has anyone ever explained to you the yes-no form of questions? Is it my turn to
091229 -- talk?
091230 -- Morgan: The Man With No Communication Skills They decided to do option one. - Who is "they"? What is option one? And are they testing or implementing? - You just earned yourself a creepy stare until the topic changes. Okay, moving on...
091231 -- It's new year's eve. Do you want to stay up until midnight? - Only losers wait until midnight. The Dogbert New Year begins at 10 PM. - It's 10 PM now. And I like to celebrate by giving myself a hug. mmm...
100101 -- We agreed on about fifty things today. But you didn't take any notes. - Let's schedule out next meeting to rehash all the stuff you'll forget from today. - Do you have your calendar with you? No. Why do you ask?
100102 -- I'm forming a support group for people who always make bad choices. Count me in! - Ratbert, I want you to organize the whole thing for me. I'd like that, and I don't know why. - I want everyone to wear uniforms and chant my name. Is it just me,
100102 -- or does this keep getting better?
100103 -- Hello, Wally. Human resources assigned me to be your ergo buddy. My what? - I'll observe while you work, then give you suggestions on improving your ergonomics. - Your posture is all wrong, and your keyboard needs to be lower. - Your bad
100103 -- ergonomic practices have turned you into a golem. Golem? - It means a shapeless mass imbued with life. A lump, clod, or fool. - It's right here on my checklist, after "boneless chicken." - Does that say you're supposed to pour salt on me until
100103 -- I dry up and die? - Let's pretend you didn't see that.
100104 -- Welcome to Dogbert's society for people who always make bad decisions. - I'd like to thank each of you for choosing the platinum stain protection plan with your membership dues. - If your reputation gets stained by being in this group, the
100104 -- brochure will teach you how to grow a mustache disguise. What if I already have one?
100105 -- Maybe someone can help you quantify the value of your research and development work. - The only people who can quantify the value of research are liars and morons. - Maybe we could hire a consultant. That just turns a liar into a thief.
100106 -- I think my single point of contact died. - I haven't heard of him for three months. I don't know the name of his project or any other people on it. - What have you been doing for three months? Are you implying that patience is not a virtue?
100107 -- Wally, I need you to work with a greater sense of urgency. The bible says, "good things come to those who wait." - So it's basically you against god. Let me know when you two get it sorted out. - Really? There was thunder when he doubted you? I
100107 -- synchronize my excuses to weather forecasts.
100108 -- We've never worked together, so let me tell you how this will go down. - You'll expect me to contribute, and you will be disappointed at every turn. In the long run you will do everything yourself. - HOW DO YOU STAY EMPLOYED? Don't make me call
100108 -- myself a genius.
100109 -- Let's schedule a scenario-based roundtable discussion about our enterprise project management. - We'll use our infrastructure survey tool to architect a risk-based tiering system. - That almost meant something. I'm tempted to stop acting
100109 -- randomly.
100110 -- Accounting-> Groan - - I'd like to see someone about my rejected expense report. - The problem is that you didn't submit a receipt for your bridge toll. - Or maybe the problem is that you have a joyless, dead-end job. - And your boss doesn't
100110 -- allow you to use your own judgment because working here is proof that you don't make good decisions. - Rejecting my expense report gives you the illusion of power, and nourishes your shriveled and dying ego. - Actually, I was going to approve
100110 -- it. You don't have to get an attitude about it.
100111 -- A salesman borrowed the demo unit that you flew across the country too se. - Can I show you something totally irrelevant so this doesn't feel so awkward? - Give me a minute to get out of th splatter zone.
100112 -- I don't like to say bad things about my competitors, but they're all vampires. - And not the sexy kind either. They're more the bitey kind. - Our product doesn't even work, and you're still better off buying from us. They said you eat babies.
100113 -- We need to get our customers more involved in the product design cycle. - We only have two customers who are too dumb to check product reviews online. Do it anyway. - Can it wear a hat like a monkey? For the millionth time, software can't wear
100113 -- clothes.
100114 -- How's the focus group coming along? - They don't like us. They're plotting to storm our observation room. - Release the sleeping gas. CHAIR!
100115 --  Do you have a minute? Absolutely. - I allocated one minute today for talks that are a complete waste of time. - This isn't a complete waste of time. Bummer. I only allocated time for things that are.
100116 -- I'm no longer content to be useless at work. - I decided to take up golf so I can be useless on weekends too. - Are you going to take lessons? You get to hit the ball more if you don't.
100117 -- And Russel will act as the WDG for our project. - WDG? Worthless Dumb Guy. Every project has one. - In a different context, Russell might seem totally competent. - But in any small group, the dumbest person always seems extra worthless.
100117 -- Everyone else on the project is brilliant. That makes Russell seem like a chimp. - It's helpful to identify the WDG so we can discourage him from trying to contribute. - Does it hurt his feelings? - ME WANT BANANA! It's hard to know.
100118 -- If we migrate our enterprise applications to the web, and outsource our sales and product development... - The entire company can be managed by a trained monkey. - Plus a second monkey to look at the Powerpoint slides from the first monkey.
100119 -- Futurists say that when baby boomers start retiring in big numbers, you won't be able to fill critical job openings. - If you agree to slack me off now, I'll give you a few good years when I'm sixty. - What if you renege? That's a risk I'm
100119 -- willing to take.
100120 -- Your e-mail was rather brusque. You mean concise. - You owe me an apology. I'm sorry that you don't know what brevity looks like. - YOU'RE MAKING IT WORSE! Then why am I so happy?
100121 -- Alice, I'm sending you to cultural sensitivity training before we meet with the Elbonians. - Last time you almost started a war. I made one little mistake. - Flashback And here's another way the women in my country are different. POW!!!
100122 -- Cultural Sensitivity Training Elbonians believe that if you yawn in their direction, you steel their soul. - In other words, we can use it as a negotiating tool. No, that's not... - Later Okay, my intern has your soul. Give us a 20% discount or
100122 -- he swallows.
100123 -- Catbert: Evil Director Of Human Resources According to the employee survey, you want fewer benefits. - I don't remember doing a survey. We polled a random sample. - That seems a bit suspicious. In other findings, you want more verbal abuse.
100124 -- Our CEO asked each manager to describe his group's function on one slide. - I don't see how I can fit all of our various functions on one Powerpoint slide. - You could say, "We spend all of our time trying to convince others that we have
100124 -- value." - That's not all we do. Sometimes we also argue about what we do. - That's just what we're doing right *now*. Tomorrow we'll be doing something totally useful. - Maybe you could add a footnote to the slide that says, "We dream of
100124 -- someday being productive." - Or, you could exaggerate our accomplishments to create a misleading sense of our potential. Yes! - What have we accomplished lately? We got paid for planning to lie to our CEO.
100125 -- Another division needs your help for a six-month project. Who will do my work? - You'll keep doing this job too, but only the things that matter. - How long have I been doing things that don't matter? Oops.
100126 -- Catbert: Evil Director Of Human Resources Ted, I'm transferring you to a job with a higher risk of industrial accidents. - Your job will involve reaching over a vat of acid while wearing no safety harness. - Why do we have a vat of acid?
100126 -- Because toxic fumes take forever.
100127 -- The urgent E-mail you forwarded to the entire company is a hoax. - People don't really burst into flames if they use their cell phones during an eclipse. - And more bad news: the /witless protection program/ isn't a real thing.
100128 -- I can't tell the difference between urban legends and reality. - I'll need your social security number so I can tell the government not to count any votes you cast. - You can do that? Here's some pills that look exactly like Tic Tacs.
100129 -- Oh no. If I don't forward this E-mail to fifty friends, I'll die within a week. - I don't have that many friends! I need to make more friends, and fast!!! - What are you sending him now? I'm upping it to sixty friends.
100130 -- You're an incompetent CEO, but the Dogbert Investment Bank can help you pretend to unlock shareholder value. - I'll arrange an unwise merger so you can cash out while I collect an obscene commission. - It's like a bribe, but instead of going to
100130 -- jail, a stranger will write a bestselling book with your name on it. Can I read it?
100131 -- Wally, will you do me a favor? - Absolutely. What are friends for? - After all, you'd do a favor for ME if I asked, right? Um...sure. - Of course you would. - So do me a favor and don't ask me to do any favors. - Wow. Okay. I did not see that
100131 -- coming. - You're like a wizard who uses the rules of social convention as if they are magic. - You're *Hairless Potter*! Don't tell Baldemort.
100201 -- I hired a consultant to raise your morale by making you glad you're not him. - No one loves me. My life is pointless. I eat old soap. - Mow let the magic begin. I feel good about not eating old soap. Cha!
100202 -- Our CEO wants to share his good fortune with all employees. - He invites all of you to visit his winery and buy his non-award-winning wine at nearly retail prices. - He asks that you not park your helicopters near his human chess board because
100202 -- it frightens the dwarves.
100203 -- Carol, you filled out Ted's termination documents wrong. You put my name in the box as the fired employee. - My security access has been revoked. My phone is shut off, and my passwords are deactivated. - You need to fix this. Security, I found
100203 -- the fugitive.
100204 -- My security access was accidentally canceled and now I'm a fugitive. - Can you teach me to be as useless as you are so I'm invisible for all practical purposes? - I hear breathing but it must be the HVAC system. Be the cubicle.
100205 -- Asok, my security clearance was accidentally canceled. I need your help. - Maybe you could live in the ductwork, and forage for stale donuts after dark. - How can I fit in there? Try foraging as effectively as you manage.
100206 -- Where's your pointy-haired boss? Dead. - I cancelled his security clearance, so he went into hiding in the ductwork. By now he's probably gotten stuck and starved to death. - I plan to cremate his remains, but it might take a while; the
100206 -- thermostat only goes up to 85.
100207 -- I need you to assign one of your engineers to my project. - Follow me and I'll show you your choices. - This one is highly capable, but she's in such high demand that you'll be lucky if she ever returns a call. - This one is aggressively
100207 -- unhelpful. - This one will tell you that all of your plans are impractical and doomed. - That one is an intern, so no one takes him seriously. - My management theory is that nature makes everyone useless in their own way. - I'M not useless.
100207 -- Said the man who can't find a good engineer.
100208 -- Our pointy-haired boss is stuck in our building's ductwork and presumed dead. - We can alert the proper authorities, or we can design a totally cool device to increase the duct pressure and propel his carcass into the stratosphere. - You had me
100208 -- at "carcass."
100209 -- Boss is Stuck in the Ductwork The turbo blower kicks in after the lubricant cycle. - We're sure he's already dead, right? HELP! - Arguably, the real crime here would be building a machine this cool and *not* using it. CAN ANYONE HELP ME?
100210 -- Our device will create enough pressure to gently push our boss's carcass out of the ductwork. - FOOM! - This is captain Sullenberger. Don't worry about the wing; I see a Kio pond down there.
100211 -- He survived because his pointy hair cushioned the impact. - Please resist the urge to fiddle wit the coll machines that keep him alive. - Maybe we can make him smarter. What's this do?
100212 -- I think I died. Am I in heaven or hell? You're in *heaven*. My name is Raj. - Heaven and hell have been outsourcing souls to us since the demons and angels unionized. - So...is this place good or bad? Well, you get a harp, buy you won't like
100212 -- how we give it to you.
100213 -- Do you think he's really dead? I bought a wooden stake just in case. - Me too, just in case the afterlife rejects him. It's legal, right? Uh-oh. - Spouse? Did anyone think to bring a mallet?
100214 -- The marketing department has asked us to make our products more robust. - None of us knows what that means. - So we can either cancel this meeting and go ask them... - Or we can pretend that arguing with each other about the true meaning of
100214 -- "robust" is just as good. - While that option is stupid, it would give us the illusion of doing something useful right now. - Would it be ethical to ignore the longterm interests of stockholders just to feel good about ourselves for a few
100214 -- minutes? - - I think robust means it has lots of features. IT MEANS STURDY!
100215 -- Technically, I was dead for a week. But I was evicted from the afterlife and had to come back. - The afterlife has a lot to teach us about management. I brought home a consultant. - I might be late with my status report. Do you know what
100215 -- locusts taste like?
100216 -- Helen, we're looking for a new ombudsman. Your experience in the afterlife makes you an ideal candidate. - I'll take the job. But call me Mrs. Fry. - I have an issue with management. Go to Helen Fry. Yes, I know it's an old joke.
100217 -- The New Ombudsman How can you be impartial in my dispute with management when they are the ones paying you? - Perhaps you have something of value that would allow me to see your side. - He's creepy without your soul, but I envy his carefree
100217 -- attitude.
100218 -- Our ombudsman took my soul in exchange for a favorable view. - I'd like a transfer to marketing, where having no soul is widely considered an asset. - I need someone who can make our product sound competitive without vomitting on his own copy.
100218 -- Ooh! Ooh!
100219 -- Asok Lost His Soul We can improve our Google search ranking with key words, inbound links and... - ...ritual sacrifice of a... - I think it's down to you or me. What are you implying?
100220 -- The word is on the street that you help me get my soul back. - Souls are totally fungible. Use this shamwow to absorb someone else's soul while you suck on the other end. - Why does this suddenly seem so wrong? SLURP
100221 -- Can I get a rough cost estimate for the design phase? - No, I don't trust you with numbers. - What? - You're the kind of guy who will remove useful qualifiers and distribute a figure as if it is true in all cases. - Decisions will be made.
100221 -- People will get hurt. - For everyone's sake, the safest thing I can do is make an annoying humming sound until you go away. - Hummmmm-mmmmmmmmm-mmmmm. - Half of life is making people go away. Humm-mmmm.
100222 -- I could have e-mailed you my PowerPoint deck, and you could have read it in five minutes. Project Emu - But I prefer making you sit here for an hour while I read each bullet point in slow motion. - P-O-I-N-T N-U-M-B-E-R O-N-E... Yank this as
100222 -- hard as you can.
100223 -- And I'll need that by the end of the day. - I will gladly rush to meet your arbitrary deadline so my work can sit in your E-mail inbox until next week. - I'm still within hearing distance. Oops. You usually scurry away faster.
100224 -- You added the savings from my project to the budget for Ted's project. - Ted is a serial failer. You've destroyed in advance any hope that I might do something useful. - Maybe you could help Ted on his project. Ow! Ow! MAKING IT WORSE!
100225 -- Dilbert, meet our new account manager. Hi. - His job is solving a hodgepodge of problems that would bore a normal person to death. - We think his parents didn't let him have toys. The first day is the easiest.
100226 -- Wally, I'll need your load calcs by Tuesday. Remind me on Monday. - You're hoping I won't remember to remind you. Then you'll say it's my fault. - But I *will* remember, and I *will* remind you. Good lick. Monday is my hiding day.
100227 -- Victor quit. I need you to take over his project. Did he leave any documentation? - No, but it's obviously some sort of glowing box. That should be enough to get you started. - Can you finish it by Monday? If it's a nightlight, I can finish it
100227 -- by today.
100228 -- Dilbert, what did you accomplish this week? - I doubled my sales and made the cover of Time Magazine. - What? Oh. Whoops. Sorry. - For a moment there I confused my entrepreneurialfantasy life with my real job. - I run a parallel career in my
100228 -- mind. In that world, I'm the founder of a hot start-up. - It keeps my brain from fully realizing the horror of my actual career and trying to kill the rest of my body. - But to answer your original question, this week I made some PowerPoint
100228 -- slides that have no particular use. - Moving on... GAAA!!! MY BRAIN IS TRYING TO KILL THE REST OF MY BODY!
100301 -- Victor didn't leave us much documentation on his project. - FZEEET! - I guess that's what he meant by "still working on the goat head issue."
100302 -- Are you having any problems taking over Victor's project? Nope. Smooth sailing so far. - SMOOTH??? It gave me a goat head!!! - He asked if *I* had any problems. Wait for your turn, Asok. Sorry.
100303 -- Alice, a horrible accident has given me a goat head. I need you to slap me so hard that I can change species from the neck up. - Hold still, Asok. This might take a few tries. - Two hours later Dolphin is close! One more should do it.
100304 -- The math clearly shows that our project won't work, even if we do everything right. - It's embarrassing to cancel a project in the middle. Let's act dumb and hope someone in upper management cancels it for budget reasons. - Should I stop buying
100304 -- stuff? You should buy twice as much.
100305 -- We realized our project can't work even if we execute it perfectly. - Our boss' plan is to go over budget, attract attention, and hope an executive cancels our project for his own political reasons. - Now do you agree that evil is the cure for
100305 -- incompetence? Don't make me say it.
100306 -- I'm going to cancel your project because my predecessor supported it. - And I'll need a list of any children he fathered with the staff. It's best if you don't ask why. - I don't think he... We all do. It's how we let off steam.
100307 -- Dilbert, I need you to help quality testing on version 2. - I'm an engineer, not a quality tester. - If I do quality testing, even temporarily, it will make me appear grossly overpaid. - That impression could work against me during my next
100307 -- performance review. - A one percent difference in pay, compounded over the rest of my life, is big money. - Obviously my best strategy here is to offer resistence that's just short of insubordination. - So move on. little man! Scat! Go! - Too
100307 -- much?
100308 -- Dogbert The Generic Manager We need more people on the project. - Figure it out. Work smarter not harder. Make a plan. Move some things around. Adjust priorities. Just get it done. Give me a status report. - That did nothing but make me hate
100308 -- you. - I can replace you with someone who will pretend to be inspired.
100309 -- Our scope needs to be calibrated. Do we have a budget for that? - We can save a few bucks by sending it to my friend, Elrod. He likes to tinker. - Everything about that idea is bad. You should see the car he made from a bathtub.
100310 -- Who's the idiot that put a mirror in the lobby? That's bad Feng Shui. - I keep trying to work, but all of our workplace energy is getting reflected right back out to the sidewalk. - And the way your desk is angled is totally flipping ne the Chi
100310 -- bird!
100311 -- It's good Feng Shui to stand next to you because you absorb the workflow energy. What? - I need someone to check all of these design specs before tomorrow morning. - Some people call it superstition, but I'm pretty sure it's a science.
100312 -- I couldn't work this week because my workspace has bad Feng Shui. - I know Feng Shui is a real thing because our CEO hired a Feng Shui  consultant to design his office. - Do you agree, or are you saying that our CEO is a superstitious
100312 -- simpleton?
100313 -- We're going to use CMMI. It's a model for developing a process to create a framework. - Or it might be a process for creating a framework to make a model. - There's no budget for training, so we'll be relying on guessing more than usual.
100314 -- We start shipping in two weeks. - That's not enough time to fix the known bugs. - When you say "bugs", that's sort of a gray area. Um...I don't think it is. - For example, a user might need several steps to do something that should take only
100314 -- one. - Or perhaps the interface is a bit unclear. - Or perhaps it can only be operated by a robot from the future who jacks into it and sends commands in zeros and ones. - I can't tell if you're agreeing with me or mocking me. - That's sort of
100314 -- a gray area.
100315 -- As lead software engineer, I give you the first unit of our ten thousand copy production run. - Wow! I wish we'd designed it with the features listed on the box. That would have been awesome. - What? I'll put this with the other reminders of
100315 -- how my life could have been excellent.
100316 -- Dilbert, explain to Logan the technical issue in terms he can understand. - Sure. What's his comprehension level? Are we talking human, squirrel or anvil? Which one am I? - Don't make this awkward. Did the squirrel go to a community college`
100317 -- I've been asked to explain our technical issue in terms you can understand. Good. - THE SOFTWARE, IT NO WORKY!!! - He was dense *and* touchy. It's a bad combination.
100318 -- I hired a new poltergeist for our copy machine. Our old one got promoted to the server farm. - Wouldn't it be better to not have any poltergeists? It's a union thing. - May I please have my original back? I can't hear you. Put your face up
100318 -- close.
100319 -- I can almost reach the paper jam, but a poltergeist is trying to drag me to the afterworld. - Maybe I can blind him with the toner cartridge. HA HA! TAKE THAT! AND THAT! - GAAA!! I CAN'T FEEL MY ARMS! I only have one.
100320 -- Alice, can you check this for technical accuracy? Nope. I don't have time. - And no one else is qualified, so you might as well give up and look for a new job. - That was a bit harsh. You'd be less worthless if you fetched me some coffee.
100321 -- TRY REBOOTING. - Who are you? - I'm Henry the Security Guard. I'm trying to evolve into a new career. - I'm ignoring my real job while loudly giving technical advice to coworkers. - Eventually, people will start to see me as a valuable
100321 -- technical resource. Promotions will follow. - Do you know anything about technology besides "try rebooting"? - Henry, who let the hobo take a sponge bath in the lobby fountain? - TRY REBOOTING! TRY REBOOTING! To fix a typo?
100322 -- It's a cell phone shaped like an old man's head. - It sits on your shoulder so you don't look as if you're talking to yourself. - People probably told Edison that his lightbulb was creepy too.
100323 -- It's a shoulder phone shaped like an old man's head. I invited it myself. - Let's make soup from her bones, just like the others! - I shouldn't have told Dogbert it has auto-answer. Kiss me! Now!
100324 -- This rope is attached to a crony from my last CEO job. - Give it a good yank and reel him in. He's your new boss. - Is he qualified for the job? Like a monkey with a hammer!
100325 -- Meet our new vice president of engineering. - We're lucky to have him despite his utter  lack of experience in our industry. - Some might call him unqualified, but I call him exotic. You're overselling.
100326 -- The New VP Don't worry that I wanted your job, or that you have no experience in this field. - I won't try to sabotage you. In fact, I'll send my best engineer to bring you up to speed. - So...it's called 4G because it's g-g-g-good. Something
100326 -- like that.
100327 -- Can you scan this document for me? Is it important? - If it isn't important, you shouldn't bother me. If it is, the scanner will malfunction. - Is there no room for hope? I keep mine in this empty candy jar.
100328 -- Your pants have a tiny hole. These are my favorite pants! - I'll have to go with Plan B. - Wear other pants? That's crazy talk. - I'll wear these and act as if the hole just happened. - Everyone knows you can't go home and change in the middle
100328 -- of the day. - I'll use a pant witness tracking application on my phone to keep track of who has seen the hole. - If I play my cards right, I can get two or three more wearings out of my favorite pants. - All of this just happened. click Same
100328 -- here. click
100329 -- Every time I update my software, it tells me I have to reboot. - And every time I reboot, I get another message to update something else. It's all I've been doing since October. - But you worked in September, right? I admire your optimism about
100329 -- the past.
100330 -- Catbert: Evil Director Of Human Resources I'm getting reports that your morale is too high. - Happiness is nature's way of informing human resources that you're overpaid. - Nature wants me to be unhappy? Don't blame me. Go yell at the clouds.
100331 -- Catbert: Evil Director Of Human Resources Leadership is the art of trading imaginary things in the future... - For real things today. - If you work at weekend, you might get promoted someday, if there's ever an opening...and no one else is more
100331 -- qualified.
100401 -- I need your honest feedback on our new website design. - The layout looks like a psychopath's photo wall. The colors remind me of toe fungus and despair. - I'll say, "needs work." IT FEELS LIKE SATAN IS LICKING MY BRAIN!
100402 -- I need training to use our new software. - Pretend we have a job opening for a technical expert in that field. Then ask applicants how they would do whatever it is that you need to do. - Does your company provide training? "Provide" is a strong
100402 -- word.
100403 -- I asked for a transfer to our missile guidance engineering division. - Once they get to know me, they'll only give me unimportant tasks so I won't accidentally destroy a fishing village. - The great thing about unimportant tasks is that no one
100403 -- really cares if you do them.
100404 -- How's the CPG project coming along? How would I know? - You're leading that project. I am? Since when? - I told everyone on the team two months ago. I'm not on the team. You never told me. - Whatever, go tell the them you've been in charge for
100404 -- the past two months and see what they've accomplished. - Who is on the team? - I forget. I think one had dark hair, and another one was sad. - Don't tell them there's a duplicate project in another division. - You'll be okay. Just release the
100404 -- caring. Let it go.
100405 -- I proofread your technical document despite not understanding a word of it. - I couldn't tell the acronyms from the typos, so I changed them all to whatever felt right. - You said we should migrate our lemon flutes to a hard flea? Not all at
100405 -- once.
100406 -- A technical writer misinterpreted the acronyms in my draft technical paper. - But that's okay because my pointy-haired boss will turn it into content-free bullet points and show it to idiots. - I like stories with lots of idiots in them. Glad
100406 -- to help.
100407 -- Our servers were about to crash, so I wrote a suite of scripts to keep them running. - Your accomplishments are suspiciously hard to verify. - So, recapping what we know for sure, you're an inadequate verifier, and you can't rule out the
100407 -- possibility that I', awesome.
100408 -- You have a wicked case of sympathetic PowerPoint probosics. - Your nose grows when anyone lies during a business presentation. - Sorry. The sales forecast seemed optimistic.
100409 -- It's a medical condition called sympathetic PowerPoint proboscis. My nose grows when other people lie. - I'm very concerned and interested in your condition, and not just because I'm trying to sell you something. Please stop. - It might sting
100409 -- when I pull it out.
100410 -- My nose grows when my co-workers tell lies. does it whistle? - Sometimes, a little bit. You're evolving into a corporate whistleblower. - You are lying? Yeah, I just wanted to see it.
100411 -- The beta test went well. Thank you, Dilbert. - Now I'll have Tina add an impractical maintenance requirement to the manual and we're ready to go. - What? It's standard procedure. - Say the user needs to lube the product ten times a day with the
100411 -- wax from a bear's ear. - And say the warranty is voided if the device isn't properly maintained. - Is that legal? It's better than legal. - We're using the law to keep justice away! - I feel sick. That's how you know it's working.
100412 -- Our health plan doesn't cover nose jobs, so I used the market system to bargain for a good deal. - I learned that a veterinarian is just like a doctor, but cheaper. - Do you smell a squirrel?
100413 -- I probably shouldn't have gone to a veterinarian for my nose job. - But as an engineer, I value function over form, and the airflow is actually quite good. - You might be rationalizing a little. I pity you with your inefficient nostrils.
100414 -- Our policy is to put people in careers that match their looks. I thought that was a coincidence. - Your botched nose job makes you too unconventional to be an engineer. No! - Welcome to the art department. Man, I wish I was brave enough to get
100414 -- a snout.
100415 -- Asok In The Art Department Is that a botched nose job, which would be tragic... - Or a bold artistic statement, which would be totally hot? - It started out as a mistake, but I'm keeping it for the improved airflow. How hot is that?
100416 -- Asok In The Art Department Maybe you could try homeopathy to fix your botched nose job. - Maybe you could try homeopathy to fix your irrational belief in things that have no scientific basis. - You sort of hurt my feelings there. Didn't your
100416 -- astrologer warn you about scorpios?
100417 -- I must have fallen asleep during your presentation. I dreamed I had an animal snout for a nose. It seemed so real. - If you can't tell your dreams from your reality, maybe /this/ is your dream and you really do have a snout. - Does anything
100417 -- seem strange or out of place in this reality? CAN WE PLEASE DO SOME WORK?
100418 -- Wally, did you finish the vendor comparison? - I'm proud to say I did not. - You told me to focus on my highest priorities, and that wasn't one of them. - So...when can I expect it? - Logically, that would be never. - If that task ever became
100418 -- the most important thing I was doing, you'd eliminate my position. - True. But at least you're getting the high priority stuff done, right? - So far, it's taking all my energy to avoid doing the low priorities.
100419 -- How long will it take to fix the bugs in our control management software? - Do you want a realistic estimate that will ruin your day, or a lie that will allow your ignorance and your happiness to lock arms and square dance to the next cubicle?
100419 -- - That second option sounds festive. I'm a pleaser.
100420 -- What's taking you so long to fix the control management system? - Your leadership has taught me to give you laughably unrealistic timelines, then blame others when I miss deadlines. - You're not even doing /that/ right. I guess I need more of
100420 -- your leadership.
100421 -- Did you review the document I emailed? I don't read attachments. - Attachments say you don't care enough about my time to summarize a document. - I brought my pay stub to prove that my time is worth more than yours. Well played.
100422 -- The company is happy to announce that compared to previous years, we improved our rate of revenue decline. - We've been doing great since we redefined success as a slowing of failure. - Moving on. Who has a status report? I improved my rate of
100422 -- doing nothing.
100423 -- Tina, I'm lending you to our executive offices to help write press releases. - Your job will be to tell investors we're sitting on coal and trying to make diamonds. - By clenching. I GOT IT!
100424 -- Good news! We won the bid to build a nationwide wireless network! - Bad news! We don't know how to build a nationwide wireless network! - It's wireless. How hard could it be to not install wires?
100425 -- I need to spend the next year optimizing the WDNW system. - I've never heard of the WDNW system. - You only hear about the systems that have problems. - If everything goes as planned, you'll never hear about WDNW again. - What does the WDNW
100425 -- system do? - It keeps our zeros and ones from accidentally forming tens. - Can that happen? Not on my watch. - How's the "Wally does no work" project? The acronym helped.
100426 -- I cannot meet your arbitrary deadline, so the engineer's code requires me to kill myself with a lightsaber. - But lightsabers haven't been invented yet. The best I can do is annoy myself with a flashlight. - Could you do this in the hall?
100426 -- ANNOYANCE BEFORE DISHONOR!
100427 -- I spent the entire week cleaning up the mess that Ted left after you fired him. - I didn't get fired. I'm right here. - I guess it's just his word against mine.
100428 -- It takes you two months to process my company credit card expense reimbursement. - So I get in trouble every month for incurring late fees. - Why must I be punished for your incompetence? Apparently I'm awesome.
100429 -- How long will your project take if I add two people? - Add one month for training, one month for the extra complexity, and one month month to deal with their drama. - But after all of that... They'll be as useful as this meeting.
100430 -- Dogbert's Tech Support Email me a list of the things you already tried. - I'll go down the list and make you try every single thing again, sometimes more than once. - And take your time because I'm reading a really good book online.
100501 -- Dogbert's Tech Support The problem is in the part of your brain that handles intelligence. - I can reboot you, but I won't lie: It's going to hurt. - We need to talk. Are you near stairs?
100502 -- I'm working at home today so I can concentrate without any distractions. - Please don't disturb me. Nothing is so important that it can't wait. - I TAKE THAT AS A CHALLENGE. No, please... - Do you smell that? It's nothing. I have to work now. -
100502 -- I'm pretty sure it is a gas leak. - Have you noticed that the lamp makes huge sparks every once in a while? - I wouldn't worry. What's the worst thing that could happen? - I think I hear a baby trapped in the wall! GET OUT OF MY HEAD!
100503 -- It's not right to use your tech support job to trick people into hurting themselves. - I help people take their minds off of hopeless technical problems. - How do you know a problem is hopeless? Great. So now pessimism is a crime?
100504 -- I hired the Dogbert Technology Hospice service to ease the suffering of our dying technology. - Dogert will use compassion and...what was the other thing? Bazooka. - STEP AWAY FROM THE WINDOWS XP!
100505 -- This is a magic button. - Any time you ask for cost estimates, I push the button and it guides me. - PULL THE NUMBERS OUT OF YOUR... It only says the one thing.
100506 -- Catbert: Evil Director Of Human Resources 100% of your email messages this month involved links to funny videos. - THE COMPANY IS VIOLATING MY RIGHT TO PRIVACY! THIS IS AN OUTRAGE! - Actually, I was just guessing. It still hurts.
100507 -- We can keep our payroll expenses low by giving employees bad reviews. - Use this list of employee defects so you don't repeat yourself. It's less obvious this way. - Awkward, bumbling, cowardly, dumb... - My faults are suspiciously
100507 -- alphabetical.
100508 -- Mordac, The Preventer Of Information Resources My software is so old that I can't open any files that people send me. - I can't upgrade your computer because that it will be non-standard. - And by non-standard, you mean useful? BE GONE;
100508 -- WORDSMITH!
100509 -- Amber, would you like to go to lunch with me? Sure! - Yes!! I'm in! - Do you mind if we bring Bob? I need to talk to him about his project. - Well, that would be... Hex, Bob. Meet us in the lobby. - Look at us! We're like the two musketeers,
100509 -- plus Dilbert. - There were three musketeers. I'm pretty sure there were two. - Wait...I just remembered I have a conference call at noon. You two go ahead without me. - We're like the one musketeer. Just eat.
100510 -- I hope you don't mind if I do E-Mail during the boring parts of your meeting. - I don't want to be dragged into your time suck hole. - You ARE kind of a time suck hole. I'M THOROUGH!
100511 -- Carol, form a tiger team to move the junk from the small conference room. - I'm glad you call it a tiger team so I don't fell sad that my job involves relocating junk. - COULD I BE LESS HAPPY RIGHT NOW?!!! I ordered tiger costumes.
100512 -- I told you to get a sign-off from marketing before you send this around. - How vivid is your false memory of that conversation? - It's s plenty vivid. Were unicorns involved?
100513 -- If I hire you, you'll get a minimum wage to attend meetings and pretend you're me. - My plan is to get hired for several jobs and replace myself with low-paid look-alikes in each one. - MY plan is to bury you in a shallow grave and assume your
100513 -- identity. You don't interview well.
100514 -- The world's greatest engineer prepares to do battle with the world's worst user interface. - click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click - I hope that did
100514 -- something. Your social security number has been sold.
100515 -- Ratbert's Customer Support You're speaking to a powerless rodent. - My job is to prevent you from getting to anyone who is authorized to give refunds. - I'd like to begin by asking you some creepy personal questions.
100516 -- I asked Wolfgang to join us. - He's a software genius, if not a legend. - He knows more than all of you put together. Plus his name is Wolfgang. - Some say his talent is a genetic mutation. Others say that god speaks to him in Unix. - All we
100516 -- know for sure is that he glows, and he never needs to eat. - I feel a chill. It means he's approaching. - PLEASE DON'T REPROGRAM MY DNA AND MAKE ME A MONKEY-MAN!!! - People make a lot of assumptions when you change your name to Wolfgang and stop
100516 -- shaving.
100517 -- Mordac The Preventer Of Information Services It's time for your operating system upgrade. GAAA! - Please don't! My CMS software won't work with the new operating system. I'll be a technology have-not! - It's never good when they wear costumes
100517 -- to complain. Ooga
100518 -- If you help bring in a new account, I'll give you a raise, unless there's no money in the budget then for raises. - Please don't say what I think you're going to say next. - It's better than nothing. NO, IT ISN'T!
100519 -- We're in merger talks, but it's business as usual until it goes through. - I'M FREE! MY EFFORTS WON'T INFLUENCE MY REWARDS! - I said business as usual. I was totally planning to do this today.
100520 -- Was it human error? I doubt it. - No human would be that stupid. My best guess is that a cabbage got access to your computer. - Cabbages can't use computers. Can they tell when they're being mocked?
100521 -- I collected optimistic data, put it in the context of bad analogies, seasoned it with saliency bias... - ...added herd instinct, a pinch of confirmation bias...and here's your strategy. - Just add leadership. Why do I always get the hard part?
100522 -- Alice, I called this meeting because you're the only person I trust to give me honest feedback on my strategy. - It's great. It's amazing. It's the best strategy in the universe. - I thought you were hones. That's a common misperception. I just
100522 -- hate people.
100523 -- I finished the business case. - You said you would try to get funding if the numbers look good. - I never said that. - I clearly remember it. I can describe our conversation word for word. - I probably said something like "I will get funding"
100523 -- and you heard it wrong. - What exactly sounds like "I will get funding"? - Landfill wet hunting. - THAT'S NOT EVEN A GOOD TRY!!! Shake it off.
100524 -- I invented a sink that attaches to my body. The faucet is activated by your voice. - Wally, what a possible use could this stupid thing have? I need you to do some real work. - WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU WHEN THE WATER IS RUNNING!
100525 -- Guess what, Ted? I volunteered to run a critical project while knowing I don't have enough resources. - When it becomes a crisis, I will declare martial law and order you to become my flunky. - IN YOUR FACE, PUPPET BOY! This day is turning out
100525 -- to be a little extra sucky.
100526 -- I learned to control men by exaggerating the importance of my projects and overextending myself. - OUR MOST IMPORTANT CUSTOMER IS COMING AND I WON'T BE READY ON TIME UNLESS YOU FETCH ME SOME COFFEE! - In phase two, I make you enjoy it.
100527 -- I cleaned out my desk. Would you be willing to give me a letter of reference? - How about the letter "L"? That seems about right. - Must...not...burn...bridges. Too soon?
100528 -- I'm exhausted from all of the basic research I'm doing. - It's too bad that the value of my work won't be quantifiable for another ten years. - I'd like to see your lab report. So...the new rule is that we write down stuff?
100529 -- I'm doing basic research to test my theory that donuts make other people stupid. - I expect you to do basic research that will increase our profits this quarter. - Wow. It works on the first bite.
100530 -- I accomplished nothing this week because I was going through certification. - Don't ask. Don't ask. Don't ask. - Certification for...what? - PLAN B: Mount a passionate defense against an argument that no one made. - HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT
100530 -- CERTIFICATION IS A WASTE OF TIME?! - WITHOUT CERTIFICATION, MANAGEMENT WOULD BE REDUCED TO RANDOMNESS! - DO YOU THINK YOU'D BE HAPPIER JUST *GUESSING* WHO IS QUALIFIED TO DO WHAT? DO YOU? DO YOU? - There's something wrong with you. Apology
100530 -- accepted. Next.
100531 -- How Engineers Duel Your data are weak. MAKE YOUR MOVE! - I'M SENDING YOU A LINK! I'M SENDING YOU THREE LINKS! - I don't have time for this. WINNER!
100601 -- After our first date, I pulled together some links to studies that debunk every belief you have. - I alphabetized them. For example, here's Feng Shui, then homeopathy, then horoscope. - That's okay. I always budget a little extra for second
100601 -- dates.
100602 -- This next slide shows all of the possible names for our product that are not already trademarked. - Are there any that don't remind people of this general area of the human body? - That narrows it down to the names of accused war criminals, and
100602 -- the funnier nicknames for partnerless loving.
100603 -- What's more important-our core systems or our key processes? - If there's no clear answer to that question, I'll continue to act randomly. - Get out of my office. The open door policy probably looked good on paper.
100604 -- Welcome to Dogbert's School of Time Management. - Today you will learn that rudeness and good time management are the same thing. - ANSWER MY #@*%! QUESTION! Keep typing, Beverly! He doesn't exist.
100605 -- Your quality metric for next year is to win 30% more bid proposals. - No problem. I'll use my magic powers to control how much our competitors bid. - I worry that you're not taking this seriously. If the muggles find out, I'll wipe their
100605 -- memories.
100606 -- I'm collecting money for Ted's birthday. - Pass. I can't stand that idiot. - His face looks like a ferret eating a lemon. - He makes my skin crawl. - He tells racist jokes, and I think he's embezzling. - I've been dating him for a month. - -
100606 -- I'd be lying if I said that wasn't worth a dollar.
100607 -- We've pieced together the fragments of your poor communication and believe we have deduced your strategy. - It appears that you are trying to get paid for doing little more than giving stupid labels to things. - It's called managing! Good one.
100608 -- We're having a birthday cake for Scott in the break room. - No thanks. I prefer cake that isn't frosted with the spit of recent candle-blowing. - Oooh, look at the queen of England who likes her cake without spit. What's it like to be fancy?
100609 -- This week I mapped our applications to our domains and defined the interface between our applications and our software environment. - Whatever /you/ did this week probably seems lame to all of that. - The stuff I'm doing is way up here in
100609 -- what's called the integration layer. What's he been reading?
100610 -- Employee satisfaction has doubled since last year! - The credit goes to our new program of firing smart people. - You're safe. YEFF!!!
100611 -- Wally, would you...? No. I'm doing something important for the brand integration manager. - Maybe after that you could... Then I'm doing a rush job for the director of sustainability. - Are those even real people? - Welcome to matrix
100611 -- management, Neo.
100612 -- This is where you jack into matrix management, Neo. - Insert these iPod ear buds and fire up PowerPoint. The reality you once knew is gone. - One more thing: if your computer dies during PowerPoint, your career dies in the real world.
100613 -- Dogbert Consults A good leader cultivates internal critics so all sides of an argument are heard. - For example, I cultivated Dilbert to argue the point I just made. - Your premise is that a leader is not qualified to make decisions without the
100613 -- help of critics. - But selecting the appropriate critic is *itself* a decision. - There is nor reason to assume a leader is any better at selecting a critic than he is at making any other decision. - Your overpaid consultant is recommending
100613 -- that you add randomness to an already flawed process. - In summary, this meeting is a waste of time, and your consultant is ripping you off. - How great was that? You owe me $400 for my time.
100614 -- I'd like to waste the better part of my afternoon trying to upgrade my phone. - I'll just set up my sport chair, and use my laptop while you mumble and stare at your monitor for whatever seems like forever. - Look at me! I'm beating your
100614 -- system! Quiet! I'm trying to stare.
100615 -- Look at this app! - Look at THIS app. POW! ZAP! POW! - You said the Dogbert app is supposed to make a funny noise. I'll bet it did.
100616 -- I propose an unholy alliance. You have my attention. - Reserve every meeting room under my name for the year. That way you won't need to do any scheduling, and I won't need to attend any meetings. - Don't panic; that strange feeling is you
100616 -- falling in love with me. IT FEELS LIKE I'M EATING CHEESE!
100617 -- Wally, you helped me avoid work, now I can't help loving you. - I show my love by a combination of insanity and stalking. - Aren't you married? You owe me an old carpet.
100618 -- I can't stop buying phone apps that I don't need. Am I crazy? - Yes, you are totally batspit crazy. You'll need many sessions. - Steve Jobs isn't the only one who can do marketing.
100619 -- I hired a confusopoly consultant to help us design an extended warranty plan. - Our goal is to scare people into buying insurance that doesn't cover anything. - I can't tell you where the contract was designed, but be careful because it's still
100619 -- hot.
100620 -- A good leader uses a process for making decisions. - May I take this one? Go. Make us proud. - Question: if making a decision is just a process, why can't a computer do it? - Because sometimes I have to rely on my gut. - Which part of your gut
100620 -- is the smart part? Is it the stomach lining, or maybe the colon? - I'm talking about instinct. It's an indefinable leadership quality. - Is the indefinable thing like a superstition? Or Cooties? IT'S A PROCESS! Is that your colon talking?
100621 -- ...and I'll need all of that by tomorrow. No problem, I'll get right on it. - This is a bad sign. If you were even a little bit competent you would be overloaded with work. - GAAA!!! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN A MORON! Wow. You got there fast.
100622 -- I like it when a man cooks for me. - I love it when a woman knows the difference between affection and free catering. - We wanted different things.
100623 -- Wally, did you review the client's specs like I asked you to? What?! - I thought you asked me to "preview the lion's pecs." - WHY WOULD I ASK YOU TO PREVIEW A LION'S PECS?!! So...now you want me to question everything you say?
100624 -- Rumor has it that you're pretending to hear things wrong to avoid work. - It works great. The secret is to have no mane whatsoever. - Wally, do you have the revised budget estimate? No,because you asked for a remized bugmet yestitet.
100625 -- Uh-hoh. My audience has fallen into a PowerPoint coma. - The only thing I can do now is put them in funny poses and leave. - It looks like his finger hit brain.
100626 -- Can you get me some failure estimates for our next gen product? - I can if you like numbers that are based on hallucinated assumptions. - I kind of do. I think we have an understanding.
100627 -- I need help with my computer. - IT'S A TRAP! - If I touch your computer, you'll think that every future problem is caused by something I did. - You'll tell everyone I ruined your computer! - I'll be obligated to solve every computer problem you
100627 -- have from this day on. - My own projects will be left to wither as I show you for the ninetieth time how to select a new font. - If I refuse to help, you'll tell my boss I'm not a team player. - Do you need a hug? Only if you can squeeze me
100627 -- hard enough to kill me.
100628 -- I based my estimate on the reliable input of people who just wanted me to leave them alone. - I decided against labeling it because I'll probably need some deniability later. - Are we done wit the dry run, or do you want me to use up all of my
100628 -- energy before our CEO gets here?
100629 -- My success depends on you doing your role in a timely and energetic manner. - People say you're a big, fat slug, but I have confidence in you. I'll stick this to your slimy face and hope for the best. - I like to think I'm a pretty good judge
100629 -- of character.
100630 -- Our product placed last in our own benchmark tests. - crumple crumple crumple - poink! I wish all of my problems were this easy to solve.
100701 -- Make sure you coordinate with the brand manager and the category manager. - And also the clients, the account execs, the project leaders, strategic planning, facilities management, product managers, marketing, and I.T. - All I heard was "give
100701 -- up". Let's meet again in a year.
100702 -- I've decided to move to a rolling forecast. - So, the problem is that forecasts are worthless, and your solution is to do more of them? - If my sarcasm is a problem, I can solve that by doing more of it. SNORK
100703 -- Studies show that a rat with a dartboard can manage your pension fund as well as experts. - I invested your entire pension fund in Garfield posters. - I'm bad at darts.
100704 -- Wally, can you respond to this RFQ by tomorrow? That depends. - I take a disciplined approach to allocating my limited resources. - First, I'll need to evaluate all of the alternative uses for my time. - If doing this RFQ thing comes out on
100704 -- top, then yes, I can do it. - When do you think you will know that? - Maybe next week. Unless something comes up. - So...you're useless. I don't see /you/ getting much done right now either. - Did you know that being disciplined is almost the
100704 -- same as being useless? Yoda? Is that you?
100705 -- I need to get some of that work-life balance I keep hearing about. - I thought about work all last night at home, so what do I do now? - It's not too late to get in on this.
100706 -- Whenever my browser asks me if I want to install a toolbar, I'm afraid to say no. - Now my browser window is only one inch tall. - If you see anything important on the Internet, could you write it down for me?
100707 -- I'm happy to report that none of our oil rigs exploded. - Our children's pharmaceuticals are not tainted with bacteria, and the government is not investigating our financial practices. - All we're doing is quietly losing shareholder value. I
100707 -- knew it would feel like success if we kept at it!
100708 -- Alice, I need you to give a presentation to the entire sales division. - Gaaa!!! The very thought of public speaking dehydrates me! - Maybe I should find someone moister.
100709 -- Asok, I need you to help Alice give a presentation to 500 sales reps. - GMPH!!! - Is that your stomach? Yeth.
100710 -- I'm sending all of you to a public speaking class. - They will rid you of your nervous habits...and, with any luck, your personalities too. You will become indistinguishable from robots. - Is that as fun as it sounds? Get out of my head!
100711 -- A successful transformation requires employees to feel ownership for the change. Change - Change? What change? Is there something we don't know? - It's important that everyone has clear roles and responsibilities. - What are you trying to tell
100711 -- us? Should we stop working on our projects? - I'll keep you engaged and energized with my clear communication. - And as your leader, I will role-model the desired change. - If he's our role model, I guess we need to act like morons who can't
100711 -- communicate. - I need new people. FUH FUH FUH FUH FUH FUH
100712 -- The opening is in sales. Do you like to travel? Yes. It's my favorite thing. - No one like business travel. You're either an idiot or you've never done business travel. - How dare you accuse me of not traveling.
100713 -- Car Rental I reserved a mid-sized Sedan. - We don't care what you reserved. We're in the business of selling car insurance and overpriced gas. - That's refreshingly honest. I can get you into a clown car or an ashtray on wheels.
100714 -- If my self-esteem seems low, that's because I drove here in a rented tuna can on wheels. - It was such a bad automotive experience that I can't even pretend you should care what I have to say. - I loathe myself and the company that pays me.
100714 -- Who's with me on this?
100715 -- I finally saved enough money to retire anytime I want. - Someone should invent a witty name for that amount of money. - $%@#** U Perfect! Can I use that?
100716 -- I found a way to keep our best talent from leaving. - Wow! You found a way to interface a human brain with a robot body to get the best of both! - Actually, it's jut a cool display case, but your thing would be good to.
100717 -- I'm on my way to a meeting with a prospective customer. - We have such a long sales gestation period that the value of my efforts won't be known for two years. - Just remember that optimism looks exactly like doing nothing.
100718 -- And that's our new marketing video. We hope it will go viral. - You'll have our comments by tomorrow. - I'm not asking for comments. The video is already finished. - The technology claims in the video are criminally inaccurate. - I SENT THE
100718 -- SCRIPT TO ENGINEERING FOR COMMENTS THREE MONTHS AGO! - I got an E-Mail back from someone named Wally who said it was great. - - I thought she was asking if it was funny.
100719 -- Would you like my opinion on how you should handle that? - Sure, I'll just try to ignore the fact that your entire career has been a colorful tapestry of bad decisions. - So...yes? I admire your consistency.
100720 -- I wouldn't worry about losing your job after the merger. - Because you put in a good word for me? - Not it's more of an observation that I don't worry about other people's jobs.
100721 -- The people buying our company don't know that your project exists. - And you're not allowed to talk to anyone over there. But don't lose hope. - I'm working hard to upgrade your status from nonexistent to unimportant.
100722 -- My invention can scan a person's brain and predict his buying decisions. - It says you plan to buy...a blunt object so you can kill me and claim credit for my invention. - I anticipated that, which is why I included a feature to microwave the
100722 -- offending part of your brain. FERT!
100723 -- CEO We're getting a lot of interest in your death ray invention. - It's not a death ray. It's a portable brain scanner with a popcorn microwave oven... - Uh-oh, that's a death ray. We have an RFQ from Korea.
100724 -- My company wants to turn my invention into a death ray. How can I stop them from succeeding? - There is one natural force that can stop any form of success. It goes by the name... - Wally? How may I be of disservice?
100725 -- I'm glad your project was transferred to my department, Ronald. - Your project is flashy! It's sexy! - But it's not worth funding because the revenue projections are puny. - Until something changes, you'll be in the limbo cube. - I'll trot you
100725 -- out whenever a customer or an executive visits. - You can show your sexy-flashy PowerPoint slides while dreaming of being relevant. - If you work hard, someday you'll be totally forgotten. - Did you know that honesty makes people sad?
100726 -- We're planning to introduceour new military product with a light show in New York harbor. - Wally, can you handle the weapon demo and the light show? Sure. What could go wrong? - One Week Later They're calling it "The Stump Of Liberty." No one
100726 -- is saying it was a boring show.
100727 -- The media is on our backs because we accidentally destroyed the Statue of Liberty. We need your P.R. advice. - Did you take full responsibility and promise to clean up th harbour? Ooh. - Earlier That Day Many of you don't know that the statue
100727 -- was very old...and made entirely of fish food.
100728 -- Dogbert The Public Relations Consultant So you accidentally destroyed the Statue of Liberty... - Her head is floating toward Cuba, and the president will probably order the Air Force to sink it. - I should watch that from my private jet. FOCUS!
100729 -- Dogbert The Public Relations Consultant The public won't forgive you until you fake some remorse. - These glasses have a hose that leads to a pumping station and a huge reservoir of fake tears. - If we have another press conference, we should
100729 -- crack open a window.
100730 -- Maybe we could take a pottery class together. - Sure. I love acquiring unattractive dishware in an expensive and inefficient way. - It's called art. Maybe we could whittle some art spoons too.
100731 -- There's no objective standard for measuring how much I should have accomplish in any given day. - Nor can we really know if things would have turned out better had I done things differently. - Do you have a point? I'm going home early. See if
100731 -- you can tell the difference.
100801 -- Dilbert, could you help me fill out this rebate form the next time you visit? Sure, mom. - Also, my laptop keeps crashing. I'll take a look at it. - My TV is acting up again too. - And maybe you could show me how to change my ringtone. - Do you
100801 -- really need all of that help? - Or is it an elaborate scheme to inoculate against me ever wanting to move back home? - WE HAVE A BAD CONNECTION! WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? - That should buy me another six months. click
100802 -- I made a script to write from the UFR SQL function to a log table I created for the DB so I can find the parameter errors. - I'm giving you this status update while the script is running, so I'm accomplishing /two/ things now. - How do I know
100802 -- you really did that thing you just said? I guess now I'm doing your job.
100803 -- Dogbert The Empire Consultant Make your employees less productive. That way your CEO will let you hire more of them. - Inefficiency is the same thing as leadership. A king needs an entire country just to wipe his... Brow? - I was going to say
100803 -- windshield. Brow is catchier.
100804 -- Dogbert The Empire Builder Consultant Success is just attendance plus luck. - You always want to be in the general vicinity when something good happens. - Wow. I just doubled the bit rate. PRESENT!
100805 -- I added my name to your patent application. What? - I could have stopped you from working on it, but I didn't. I'm like an artist who understands negative space. - Do you know what negative space is, Dilbert? I'M LIVING IN IT!!!
100806 -- ...and this is Ellen. She has no legitimate reason for attending this meeting. - I assume she's just nosey, or maybe it's a networking sort of thing. - And this guy is a total waste of protein. Maybe next time we should introduce ourselves.
100807 -- That's my plan. I'd like to thank all of you for your utter apathy. - A few of you stayed awake, and I think I got some accidental eye contact once when the A.C. made a noise. - In conclusion, I hate my job, I hate my coworkers, and I hope
100807 -- feral cats eat every one of you. Are you taking questions?
100808 -- Carol, would you... RRRING! - Here's an interesting experiment... RRRING! - Watch what happens to your blood pressure when I take this call and make you wait. - Yeah? What's the problem now? - Tell your brother I said to stop biting the heads
100808 -- off your dolls. - Uh-huh...well, if the man was wearing a postal uniform, he wasn't the bogeyman. - You did WHAT to him? - Listen carefully. I want you to tear up the carpet in the fancy bathroom... I can come back.
100809 -- I need you to work on a highly confidential project. - When you're done, I want you to dig your own shallow grave and beat yourself to death with the shovel. - Why does it feel as if my entire career has been preparation for this project?
100809 -- You're welcome.
100810 -- I need answers to these questions for a confidential project. I can't tell you more. - I'm a complete idiot and even *I* can deduce from your questions what the project must be. - I anticipated that, so some of you idiots are getting placebo
100810 -- questions. Well played.
100811 -- We added a new performance test, but learned that the test itself is flawed. - Now our product fails our own tests and our customers are asking to see the test results. - Do I have permission to fake the test data? I didn't even know data can
100811 -- be real.
100812 -- I asked my dentist to put vampire tips on my incisors so I'd be more intimidating. - Here comes Alice. Watch me put the fear into her. - You need to loose a few pounds to pull off the vampire look. This is more of a walrus vibe.
100813 -- You're a third-rate company in a dying industry. - I recommend consultant-assisted corporate suicide. - Will it hurt? It might sting a little when you announce you're going to be a web-only company.
100814 -- My company is going to a web-only business model. That's terrific. - What's phase three? Does it involve operating only in your own imagination? - Be nice. Maybe you can help me grow this plant back into a seed.
100815 -- We'll break into small groups to discuss options. - Why? Do you think we'll be smarter when we're in small groups? - That way everyone gets more time to talk. - According to your theory, the ideal group size would be one person talking to
100815 -- himself.  - No, you also need the knowledge and perspective that extra people bring. - That would argue for larger groups, not smaller ones. - Fine! Just break into whatever size groups you think make sense. - I like your style, Dilbert. Thank
100815 -- you for noticing.
100816 -- I invented a music device that reads your brain waves and only plays songs that fit your mood. - KUNG FU COFFEE CUP! BONK! - Hey, look what I invented!
100817 -- My new look is a black turtleneck and old man jeans. What do you think? - You look like a total juice bag. - That's good, right? What answer gets me back to watching my shows on Hulu?
100818 -- I can research that question with my phone's browser. - Much Time Passes - I found the Google!
100819 -- We're reincorporating in Dogbertland for tax reasons. Where? - It's a floating patch of garbage in the Pacific Ocean the size of Texas. - In Dogbertland How's the banking system? Business is booming, King Ratbert.
100820 -- Have you met the new head regulator for our industry? - At first is was inconvenient to feed him. - Luckily I started lactating. Have you tried kibble?
100821 -- This is Rodney. He's in charge of product fety testing. - Is our new product safe enough to start selling? $#%* - Did that sound like "ship" to you?
100822 -- The status of my project is that apparently I died and became a ghost. - I don't remember dying, but the evidence of my untimely demise is clear. - In the past week, no one has returned my phone calls or replied to my E-Mails. - When I try to
100822 -- print a document, I get nothing but error messages. - Now all of you are looking at your phones and reading materials as if no one is speaking to you. - I will now test my ghost theory by running through a living person. - BOOOO!!! - Good news:
100822 -- I'm alive but unworthy of attention. I'm trying to watch a show.
100823 -- We're having a baby shower for Kim on Friday. I barely know her. - She's having triplets. Try to bring an appropriate gift for once. - It's a...book on how to lower my carbon footprint? You're killing us all.
100824 -- I need you to delete all of the unnecessary data from our servers to make room. - Technically it's /all/ unnecessary because our decisions are always based on flawed logic anyway. - Can you pretend some of it necessary? Sure. Can you pretend I
100824 -- deleted the stuff. that isn't?
100825 -- For the past five years I've managed your calendar based solely on what would create the least work for me. - It all started when you told me to use my judgment to set priorities. - I retrospect, you should have hired someone with low
100825 -- self-esteem.
100826 -- I've already forgotten everything that was said at the beginning of this meeting. - slurp - I used to think I wasn't a morning person, but things never got better after lunch.
100827 -- I get sleepy in the afternoon. And I'm not a morning person. - I'm at my best for about an hour in between, which explains why I'm an exceptionally good lunch eater. - How's the workforce skills assessment going? I just sold all of my company
100827 -- stick.
100828 -- We're getting some heat from the media for using Elbonian slave labor to build our products. - I've been trying to tell the media that it's not as bad as it sounds. - Elbonia Now /I'll/ be the slave and /you/ be the oppressor! No!!! Not yet!
100829 -- Let's have lunch so I can tell you about our products. No thanks. - I don't like meeting new people. - Every person I meet chips away at my freedom. - If I have lunch with you, I'll feel an obligation to return your pestering phone calls. - My
100829 -- lunchtime is the only chance I get during the day to scrape off the leeches. - Nothing personal. - Do you want to have lunch and discuss our new product line? Sure! - Carl, you are totally in the wrong profession.
100830 -- Good news, Alice. You got the internal job you posted for. - YES!!! You'll need to keep doing your old job too. - Did you just make me celebrate a doubling of my workload? Thank you for acknowledging my awesomeness.
100831 -- Did I tell you I'm doing two jobs now? About a million times. - You've complained about it so much that it's like a song I can't get out of my head. - I only found out yesterday. - I'm trying to get ahead of it.
100901 -- According to the anonymous online employee survey, you don't trust management. What's up with that? - - Oh, right.
100902 -- Wally, we're concerned about the comments you made on your anonymous employee survey. - Your comments are disturbingly similar to the unabomber's manifesto. He was a good writer. - We have a problem. Is it a copyright thing?
100903 -- Company Lawyer We should consider doing a recall on our product. - When it warms up, it explodes and hurls poisonous spines in every direction. - Where's the Director of Quality Assurance? - Pinned to the test lab ceiling.
100904 -- I have a new job for you. Our product is defective and it's killing customers. - You want me to organize a recall? No. Engineer fix? No. - You'll need overalls, several barrels of bleach and some sort of scrubby brush.
100905 -- I need a minor change to our website. - Give me your business case for the change and I'll prioritize it for the queue. - I don't have time to write a business case for one little change. - I can't justify changing my priorities without one. -
100905 -- GAAAA!!! WHY CAN'T WE DO THE SIMPLEST THINGS IN THIS STUPID COMPANY???! - Try one of these corporate post-traumatic stress pills to dull your memory of these events. - What? Where am I? Who are you? You were just leaving. - They're placebos,
100905 -- but I find that they solve 20% of my problems.
100906 -- I got transferred to our crime scene cleanup subsidiary. - I have a competitive advantage because I have the customer lists from our other subsidiaries. - No, we haven't had any deadly explosions here. I'll check back in an hour.
100907 -- I love your tie-dyed overalls. That's a bold look. - Actually, my job is cleaning crime scenes. I didn't have time to change. - The singles scene is all about how you look.
100908 -- Ratbert, would you like to be my assistant in the crime scene cleaning profession? Me?! - You had me at "brains and squeegees." I didn't say any of those words. - Would it kill you to say them now? If it does, you can clean me up.
100909 -- Crime Scene Cleaning There's no budget for a mop or cleaning supplies. - All I have is this pole and you. - You could duct tape me to the pole. Yup. If we had duct tape.
100910 -- We need to shut down our crime scene cleaning division. - Apparently, your assistant, Ratbert, has been putting human remains in the recycling bins. - That's a harmless mistake. What's the worst thing that could happen?
100911 -- We need someone to run focus groups about our existing products. What is a focus group? - In our case, it's like a mob of angry villagers armed with sharp pens. - And you'd also be the fire marshal for the floor. Are you in? Yeah. It's a tough
100911 -- job market.
100912 -- I need this room for my meeting. - Wouldn't it make more sense for you to get a different room since we're already here? - All of the conference rooms are blocked. - Okay, then I guess we should compare the importance of your meeting versus
100912 -- this one. - That's not how it works. - Conference rooms go the highest ranked manager, . IT TOOK ME MONTHS TO SCHEDULE THIS MEETING! Scram. - The goal of this meeting is to figure out why nothing ever gets done around here.
100913 -- Beth is our new marketing manager for social media. - By the way, company policy forbids the use of Facebook and Twitter at work. And we don't trust you to work from home. - IF YOU BLOG ABOUT HOW LAME WE ARE, YOU'RE FIRED!!! First day, not so
100913 -- good.
100914 -- As the marketing manager for social media, my job is to use these two words a lot. Facebook Twitter - Marketing through social media is like herding cats. And just to make it interesting, many of the cats are drunk and stupid. - Burn. I am
100914 -- totally defriending that witch.
100915 -- Our highest priority is satisfying our customers...except when it is hard...or unprofitable...or we're busy. - click click click click click click click click click click - Are you tweeting my quotes? BOOK DEAL! CHA-CHING!!!
100916 -- Good news: I got a book deal based entirely on the dumb things you've said. - It's totally legal because the law only protects "INTELLECTUAL" property. - FRUGGA BUGGA!!! And so began the sequel. click click click
100917 -- Dogbert Publishing I'm assigning a ghost writer to tighten up your first draft. - Technically, he's not a ghost yet. He's just a guy who lost a knife fight. - How long do I have to wait? If you're in a hurry, steer him toward the window.
100918 -- Soon my book of pointy-haired boss quotes will be published and I will be rich. - It sounds great. I can't wait to get my pirated copy. - Or you could just buy it. I thought you said it was a book.
100919 -- I don't understand either of your technical proposals, and I need to pick one. - Normally I'd use favoritism, but I don't like either one of you. - So I'll give you an intelligence test, and I'll approve the proposal of whoever is the smartest.
100919 -- - If you shoot an arrow at a monkey from an airplane... - and the monkey throws a coconut at the incoming arrow to stop it, but he misses... - how can you tell what time it is? - There's not enough data. You look at your watch? - The correct
100919 -- answer is "ask the monkey and hope he doesn't hold a grudge."
100920 -- GAAA!!! IT HURTS SO BAD! - That artificial display of pain was a reminder that software is not created by magic. - The elves are getting uppity.
100921 -- Our new product is a useless block of wood. - When customers complain that it won't make phone calls, we'll blame the network. - Who would want...whoa, this is cool. You'd be lucky to have one.
100922 -- Your product is nothing but a piece of wood. You need a charismatic pitchman to make gullible consumers buy it. - Normally that would be your job as CEO. Unfortunately, you remind people of a giant... - Leader? Exactly.
100923 -- Dogbert The Pitchman Fire up the reality distortion field as soon as I'm introduced. - Our product is nothing but a block of wood, and you need /three/ of them. - I am a creative individual who does as he is told. I CAN'T FEEL MY ARM!
100924 -- I signed you up for a class to try and get rid of that thing you have. What thing? - The thing. You know. The thing that makes you the way you are. My personality? - Exactly. But we call it /COMMUNICATION SKILLS/ because it sounds less rude.
100925 -- Communication Skills Training Today you will learn how to listen to idiots without snorting. - Break into groups of two, with one idiot and one non-idiot in each pair. - Do you want to be my partner? Um...
100926 -- Interview this applicant and tell me if he's right for our company. - Tim, we don't set the bar as high as we used to. - In our golden days, we insisted on employees who could work tirelessly through the night. - As business slowed, we were
100926 -- happy with anyone who put in eight hours a day. - Then our best people left. - Now our cubicles are mostly used for napping. - So my question is this: would a ringing phone wake you up? Probably. - He comes across as a braggart.
100927 -- What's your take on this, Dilbert? - What? Sorry. I was using this time to think about something useful. - Maybe your boss can fill you in. I was braingolfing.
100928 -- Dilbert, meet my new boyfriend, Angry Jack. - People say my high level of engineering skill comes at the cost of good social judgment. - Alice, his /NAME/ is Angry Jack. I think he wants to hold my hand now.
100929 -- Carol, this is my new boyfriend, Angry Jack. - I met him in a restaurant after he beat up a busser for bringing a bent fork. - In the white trash community, we call that a red flag. You weren't there. That for was a mess.
100930 -- Don't be afraid of change, Asok. Okay. Wait. What? - Your subtle implication is that I should change to be more like you! - Bumpy start. I CHOOSE DEATH!
101001 -- Our marketing campaign depends on word of mouth. Unfortunately, our product is bad. - So we found a guy with poor judgment and a huge mouth to say good things. Present. - Marketing isn't a real thing, is it? It's mostly guessing.
101002 -- Our ad campaign will portray users of our competitor's product ad baby-eating hobos. - While /our/ users will be portrayed by the coolest guy in the entire world. - Soon The Meeting Turned Ugly Then why are you showing a slide of a giant
101002 -- @$$#*%*?
101003 -- ...and of course we'll assess our progress along the way. - Will you be using an enhanced assessment methodology? - I hope that means something. All I did was string together some words I heard in the hallway. - Um...I'll be assessing...by
101003 -- measuring...and um... - I'd better get in on this. - I can't support this project until I see your advanced assessment methodology plan. - I'll have it in ten minutes, assuming you don't know what it's supposed to look like. Very good. - I'll be
101003 -- in the shower trying to wash my soul.
101004 -- Alice broke my arm. You need to do something about this. - Okay. I'll compare Alice's economic value to yours and decide who to fire. - No fair! She's an engineer! You got beat up by someone who is also better at math?
101005 -- What do you get when you combine cognitive bias with inaccurate information? - OUR BUSINESS STRATEGY! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! - I guess I should keep my day job. Good luck with that.
101006 -- Mister Dogbert will describe our "poison pill" strategy for preventing an unfriendly takeover. - It turns out that no one wants to buy a criminally mismanaged quagmire. So you're all set. - Maybe next time you won't skip the pre-meeting.
101007 -- Carol, how can I make you feel more inspired by your work? - I'm an admin, you steaming log. The only thing that would inspire me is finding your corpse floating in my worst enemy's drinking water. - It's just something they make me ask. CAN I
101007 -- GET BACK TO MY MEANINGLESS WORK NOW?
101008 -- The customer is an attractive young woman. You'll need to bring a handsome man with you to translate. - The translator will repeat everything you say, word for word, but he'll say it more handsomely. - Hi. What's he jabbering about?
101009 -- Your mission is to assassinate the motivation of my rival. - I want you to attend a meeting with him and drain the optimism out of his body. - WHAT IS HAPPENING TO MY SENSE OF HOPE? Let it happen.
101010 -- Wally, have you made any progress coding your module? - Progress is difficult to measure in the software realm? - You could measure the lines of code I produce, but that would reward inefficiency. - The art of this job is binding the rare
101010 -- moments of inspiration to knowledge and machines. - In fact, just a minute ago I could feel the inspiration welling up inside me. - But then you interrupted me with your naive question and the moment was lost. - Maybe you should go back to your
101010 -- office and reflect on the damage you've done here today. - There goes the one person who has less of a real job than I do.
101011 -- My hunting trip was a huge success. I bagged an elk. Hmmm... - That's not like you. There's something missing in this story. - It had a saddle. And there it is.
101012 -- Dogbert Consults Your customer data is worth a fortune. - I'll find you some buyers if you give me 25%. What about privacy? - That's not a problem. I never use my real name.
101013 -- Dogbert Consults Customer data is an asset that you can sell. - It's totally ethical because our customers would do the same thing to us if they could. - Sounds fair. In phase one, we'll dehumanize the enemy by calling them "data."
101014 -- Customers are complaining that we sold their personal data. - And apparently all of the buyers were identity thieves. - That's impossible. We checked every buyer's ident...oh.
101015 -- How can we rebuild the trust of our customers? Let's brainstorm. - We could stop using misleading benchmark tests to sell shoddy products that have hidden costs. - I heard someone say "lie." Let's write that one down.
101016 -- Asok, I want you to make decisions as if you owned the company. - CLEAR OUT YOUR DESK, YOU WORTHLESS BAG OF MEAT! - Sorry. The fake power went to my head for a moment.
101017 -- We'll lose the Elbonian project unless we give their minister of mud some...incentive. - You mean a bribe? NO, a bribe would be illegal. - Take a bag of gold to Elbonia and leave it by the statue of the monkey god, Oobanooobah. - If Oobanooobah
101017 -- does not accept your offering, by Elbonian law it becomes unclaimed property. - Take the gold to the unclaimed property desk at the ministry of mud. - Ring the bell and ask for the minister of mud. Give him the unclaimed property and a copy of
101017 -- our bid. - What if the monkey god accepts the gold and I'm the only witness? - What? How much monkey god gold are we talking about?
101018 -- Ken, you've almost reached your sales bonus level with time to spare. - Obviously I set your bonus thresholds too low. I'll need to adjust it upward retroactively. - Maybe I'm just a great salesperson! That's the spirit! Stay hungry!
101019 -- Catbert: Evil Director Of Human Resources Every time I get near my sales bonus level, the pointy-haired boss raises the target! - HA HA HA! THAT'S THE FUNNIEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD! HE JUST YANKS IT AWAY! HA HA HA! - I was hoping for some
101019 -- support. - THEN BUY A CANE AND TALK TO THE TAIL! OOOGAH!
101020 -- I hate sales. Can you cross-train me to be an engineer? - Absolutely. All you need is a time machine and a brain with twice as many folds as you current model. - Maybe I could try marketing. That's just liquor and guessing.
101021 -- Walmart started selling a knockoff of our product for nine cents apiece. - I'm looking for ideas. Anyone? Anyone? - They'll need more greeters.
101022 -- I'm updating my friend resource matrix and I have a few gaps. - I already have a friend with a truck, a friend who gives me free tickets, and a friend with tools. - I've got openings for a computer expert friend and a frisky friend with low
101022 -- standards. I'll try the computer one.
101023 -- You write that your objective for the year is to... - "...obscurely toil to increase the unearned wealth of our parasitic stockholders." - I'll add "and managers."
101024 -- Our best sales guy asked for you to accompany him on a sales call. - What's the secret on being a good sales person? - You need to give customers the information they need... - ...without getting in their faces so often that you become a
101024 -- nuisance. - For example, a customer would get sick of /your/ face much sooner than mine. - So halfway through the sales call, you'll need to put this bag over your head while I close the deal. - It looks as if I win your bet. No...wait for
101024 -- it... - Whoa. How do you do that? It's called sales. Now you owe me a purchase order.
101025 -- Tradition requires that every meeting has one buzzword-babbling idiot. - We have no naturals today, so Asok has graciously agreed to fill the rule. - We need a multiplatform application strategy! Good job. You're totally selling it.
101026 -- Our project plan is so complicated that failure is asserted. - But complexity is too abstract for you to manage, so instead you will spray my energy into the vortex of failure. - Go. I need you to finish it six weeks sooner for a trade show.
101027 -- Maybe I can't offer as much as other guys. - I spend my days clinging to the walls of my fabric-covered box while being consumed by a vortex of failure. - But long term...Probably choke to death on an olive.
101028 -- I'm taking your advice to be more entrepreneurial at my job. - Failing 90% of the time is very similar to not trying at all. I'm pretty sure you won't be able to tell the difference. - Which one am I doing now?
101029 -- Asok, you've been such a good intern that I've decided to promote you. - Your new status is called limbo. You will exist in a plane between the living and the damned. - YES!!! I WILL EXIST! Great. It went right into his head.
101030 -- For the past six months you've done nothing but update your Facebook page. - Now we have an opening for a marketing manager for social networks and you're totally qualified. It's a huge raise and a promotion. - CRME PAYS! I KNEW IT!!! We're
101030 -- hoping you can lie as well as you steal.
101031 -- I need this class to update my skills. Will you approve the expense? - Where's the analysis of the alternatives? What? - When you ask for funding, you need to tell me what my options are. - Well, okay. That seems logical. - Option two: Do
101031 -- nothing while I become increasingly unqualified for my job. - Option three: replace me with someone younger who earns less than I do and already has the skills. - Oh. - Options are only good when other people don't have them.
101101 -- I'm getting a lot of complaints about you eating your lunch in the clean room. - And people don't like it when you use your loofah in there. - That's my french bread. And I can't help it if my back itches.
101102 -- Are you running into any problems? Only the kind that you make worse. - Name /one/ problem that I make worse! I have too many distractions. - Do you have any problems that aren't like that one? Only in my fantasies.
101103 -- What do you think of my plan, Alice? - I'll bet your left brain is so tiny that you stagger in a clockwise direction. - I'll ask someone else. Walk toward the credenza and you'll have a good chance of hitting the doorway.
101104 -- In the Land Of Cubicles, the man with two monitors is king. - I pity my uni-monitored subjects, but I cannot respect them. - Meanwhile, in another corner of the kingdom... The king is dead. Long live the queen.
101105 -- Can you put the PX9 system on the R3 network? Yes. - But just to be clear, what an engineer /can/ do is rarely what he /should/ do. - What /should/ you do? Apparently, your job.
101106 -- A Swedish study in 2009 showed that people with bad bosses had 40% more heart attacks. - AAAK!!! - I should warn you that I'll probably tell this story a few times.
101107 -- I'd like to thank all of the people who helped design the technology test parameters. - Thanks to your input, the test had nothing in common with how the things work in the real world. - So I wasted two weeks of my life on a test that is not
101107 -- only meaningless... - ...but also dangerously misleading. - This slide shows the gap between the rest results and reality. - We'll use the test results anyway because it's the only data we have. - Fine. I hope you all choke to death on your
101107 -- lunches. - Why's he so cranky? Something about data.
101108 -- You're doing a great job as a role model. - Half of your employees have already turned into pudgy sociopaths. - And they're quick to anger.
101109 -- I'm here to be your role model. - My actions speak louder than my words. Just drink me in. - I think you're doing your part wrong.
101110 -- Dogbert The Security Consultant Anyone without an I.D. badge is assumed to be an enemy combatant. - POUNCE ON THE INTRUDER AND SHAKE HIM UNTIL HIS FILLINGS FALL OUT! - How much did we pay for that advice? It's free. I work for the dentist
101110 -- across the street.
101111 -- My job is to create an environment where employees feel safe taking risks. - My other job is punishing employees who make any kind of mistake. - My point is that I'm glad I don't have *your* job.
101112 -- You're two hours late. I was doing E-Mail in the parking lot. - I like to bang out a few hours of work before some idiot starts asking me dumb questions. - It would be funny if the next thing you say is in the form of a question.
101113 -- Hi ho! I'm a common stockholder. I'm here to see how my investment is coming along. - Okay, first on the agenda, we need to blow our budget before end year so we don't get less money next year. - How many ten-dollar mouse pads can we get for
101113 -- $10,000? I hope this is a panic attack.
101114 -- You didn't answer my e-mail. I don't check e-mail very often. - The whole point of e-mail is that you check it often. - Are you an idiot or some sort of digital sociopath? - Sometimes i don't remember to check it. - You seem like a visual
101114 -- learner, so let me show you how to keep e-mail in the front of your mind. - Is this your smartphone? Yes. - BAM! Now it's in the front of your mind. Get it?
101115 -- Sorry, I didn't have time to get the information you asked for. - You're saying that for an /entire week/, every single thing you did was more important than /my/ ten-minute request? - Yes, but the way /I/ said it doesn't make me think of a
101115 -- broomstick.
101116 -- Are you leveraging our resources to optimize the client value stream? What? - I'm just messing with you. Nothing I say in meetings actually means anything. - Then why do you talk? I tried listening once. It was awful.
101117 -- The Man Who could Not Summarize It all started 4.53 billion years ago during the hadean eon. - I hope you don't mind if I skip over the part where the earth formed by accretion from the solar nebula. - Hours Later ...and that formed what we
101117 -- called the moon. Maybe I'll just ask someone else what time it is.
101118 -- I got your E-Mail. It almost made sense. - My plan is to act randomly and hope for the best. - Perhaps I can be more clear. Really? You can just turn it on and off like that?
101119 -- We launched our revamped website today. - All of the technology we used is already obsolete and every vendor we hired is out of business. - ...and it just crashed. I miss the days when we had brief windows of success.
101120 -- Once again, you have failed to motivate me. - You said we shouldn't be motivated by money, so I'm waiting for the new thing to kick in. - I'm not good at reading faces, but I think there's something happening over in /this/ region.
101121 -- Is it my imagination or is your pricing intentionally confusing? - It's intentionally confusing. - That way you can't compare our prices to our competitors' prices. - Our competitors do the same thing. It's called a confusopoly. - We all get
101121 -- our fair share of confused customers and we don't need to lower our prices to compete. - We use the profits from our anti-competitive behavior to fund innovation. - So don't ruin a good system by trying to understand what you're buying. - That
101121 -- almost sounds reasonable. NOW SPANK YOURSELF AND THANK ME!
101122 -- Wally, do you have a minute? Nope. I'm far to busy. - I'm blocking the only exit. You have no choice but to answer my question. - I blocked the air vent too. Well played.
101123 -- The request we got for a vote is vague, and the deadline for our response is tomorrow. - If I ask for clarity, we'll miss the deadline. If I don't, our bid will either be below our cost or too high to win. - Which path of certain failure do you
101123 -- prefer? I like the one that makes you work the hardest.
101124 -- Hello, this is the Dogbert Market Research Company. May I ask you some totally harmless questions? - What is your social security number, bank pin number and mother's maiden name? - What exactly are you researching? Poverty rates. I'm shooting
101124 -- for 100%.
101125 -- Bob, Director of Purchasing. I requested an Ethernet switch and you sent me a box of pencils. - Sometimes I tweak the non-standard orders so I can use our approved vendors. - You can't tell the difference between a switch and a pencil? I can
101125 -- tell the difference between your problem and mine.
101126 -- Bob is the Director of Purchasing. He's here to describe our new procurement process. - Our system divides products into two categories: things you don't want, and things you're not allowed to buy. - It's my way of saying thanks for lubing your
101126 -- SUV with my dead ancestors.
101127 -- Assemble the supreme leadership board. I am ready to name an heir to succeed me. - We don't have a supreme leadership board, and this isn't a hereditary dictatorship. -
101127 -- That's crazy talk. Ignore him, daddy.
101128 -- The CEO Pep Talk I WANT TO KNOW I CAN COUNT ON EVERY ONE OF YOU! - - What's wrong with these people? - Well...I fired that guy this morning. His last day is tomorrow. - That one retires at the end of the month. - Those three are contractors. I
101128 -- didn't renew their contracts. - The rest of them believe that motivation is how the powerful steal from the dumb. - Tell them I hate their guts. I did that in the pre-meeting.
101129 -- We have a problem. Our CEO is grooming a winged monkey as his successor. - When you say, "grooming," I hope you mean training. - I felt something move right here. Ho ho! Last one. I'm stuffed.
101130 -- Can you give me a quote by next week? - Your demeanor tells me that you will never buy our product. You only want the quote as a point of reference. - Or maybe I'm giving you false hope because it's less awkward to end the meeting that way.
101130 -- DIE! DIE! DIE!
101201 -- Amber, I'll pay you $500 a month to pretend to be my friend on Facebook. - All you need to do is leave me a public message every once in a while. - That would make me a... Frienditute. But it's better if we don't name it.
101202 -- Old Johannsen has kept his job all of these years because no one else has his critical knowledge. - pss pss pss pss pss - There's the worst-case scenario right there.
101203 -- What fantasy will I use today to stave off madness? - Maybe I'll be "The man who changed an industry with his PowerPoint slides." - I have a report of unauthorized happiness inside of a head.
101204 -- Phil, The Prince Of Insufficient Light You stand accused of being happy at work. - Your penalty is to attend a meeting so horrible that none may speak its name. - Photoshop Your Co-Workers Photo On The Torso Below. No...please,..anything but
101204 -- this.
101205 -- My design plan is obviously too complex for a manager to understand. - So I highlighted a few areas that are intentionally suboptimal. - Just point to the highlighted items and demand that I fix them. - That will give you the illusion of
101205 -- usefulness. - Pretend this is olden times when bosses knew what their employees did for a living. - To round out the fantasy, wear this hat made from a dead animal. - NOW MANAGE ME LIKE IT'S THE 1800'S! - Do you have a smaller hat? Imagine that
101205 -- we're out of candles.
101206 -- Am I interrupting anything important? - Oh no. I have seen this before. You are preparing to put your body language at odds with your words! - I always have time for my last important employee. MY ENDOCRINE SYSTEM IS SHUTTING DOWN!
101207 -- Who can define "values"? Anyone? - Values are a type of emotional illusion common to children, idiots and non-engineers. - Can we pretend values are real? Are we a cult now?
101208 -- I invented a drug that makes people do stupid things. Then I dipped this dart in it. - I don't know why I did it. There's no legitimate use for this sort of thing. - Ow. I'll need a gallon for the weekend. And remember to breathe the fumes
101208 -- again.
101209 -- TV Newsroom I invented a drug that switches off the brain's ability to make rational decisions. - I think it would make a good story for your science segment. - Or we could drugdart celebrities and film what happens. For science, right?
101210 -- Amber, would you like to see a movie that one of us will undoubtedly hate? - I only like movies with superheroes, geeks or robots. You probably only like movies with tears, diseases and weddings. - Does my honesty turn you on? I just stopped
101210 -- liking mammals.
101211 -- The only things that matter are social networks, games and phones. - You're not working on any of that, so I arranged for the dustbin of history to do curb pickup. - PLEASE! I TWITTER! Too little, too late.
101212 -- Wally, I need you to train the new mailroom guy. - Why me? - Because he's unimportant and you're worthless. - Okay. I was worried that it was the other way around. - All important messages are sent by E-Mail. - So your job is to shovel all of
101212 -- the regular mail into recycling bins. - We won't be paying you, but you can use packages and tape to build your own igloo. - Two Weeks Later Why is my desk so clean? You're welcome.
101213 -- What are you up to? I'm recalibrating my lack of faith in humanity. - Will this take long? No. I start by reading opinions on message boards and... - I can come back later. YOU IGNORANT JUICEBAG! BAM!
101214 -- Would you like to be part of a masters forum to share knowledge across disciplines? - No. The only people who will be there are the ones who don't have anything better to do. I try to avoid people like that. - I'm the chairperson. I'll get a
101214 -- lot done that day!
101215 -- Does my new goatee make me look manly and intellectual at the same time? - It makes you look too lazy to shave around your lips. - And I think I saw a flea. Yeah. That one is resistent to soup.
101216 -- GAAA!!! THE SECOND-UNCOOLEST PERSON IN THE WORLD HAS MY SAME FACIAL HAIR! - AND THE UNCOOLEST PERSON IN THE WORLD IS CLEAN-SHAVEN. YOU'RE LEAVING ME NO PLACE TO GO! - Later That Month I don't see it catching on. Give it time.
101217 -- Hi, my name is... click* Don't bother. - My app does facial recognition and searches all social media to give me your full biography. - How's that working out? You're either Bart Simpson or a huge dry-erase marker.
101218 -- Maybe it's not a good idea to eat a noisy bag of chips next to a speakerphone. - Uh-oh. My common sense has wounded your ego and made you defiant. CRUNCH! CRUNCH! CRUNCH! - Did you really think he would stop? No. I hate the guy who was on the
101218 -- speakerphone.
101219 -- I want all of you to feel empowered on this project. - You forgot to get our buy-in before you empowered us. - I'll get your buy-ins later. It's far too late for that. - I'm going to use my empowerment to destroy this poorly conceived project
101219 -- from the inside! - DON'T DO THAT! - So...now you're saying we're /not/ empowered to do what we think is best? - Can we go back to our old system where we're afraid to make decisions and you're never available? - Your eyes say, "yes."
101220 -- We've had reports of "meeting pirates," taking over agendas and pillaging credit. - YAAARG!!! I TAKE YER DOCUMENT, AND LEAVE YE SCRUVY RATS ADRIFT! - And then I invented server virtualization. Yaaarg! Wow! That was a good idea.
101221 -- Wally, can you attend my meeting Friday? I'm very busy, but I'll meet you halfway. - What does that mean in this context? They say half of life is just showing up. - So...you will be... Doing the other half.
101222 -- Excuse me. By my count, you've said the same thing 27 times, using different words. - If I can get sworn statements from everyone here that we understand you point, will you stop talking? - That's mighty rude of you. I don't get your point. Can
101222 -- you repeat it 26 more times?
101223 -- I KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. I HAVE THIRTY YEARS IN THIS INDUSTRY! - How does that help you understand technology that is six months old in a youth-oriented culture? - Grrr... PLEASE DON'T HIT ME WITH YOUR MODEM.
101224 -- I've decided to escalate my anti-social behavior from not listening, to actively talking over other people. - How can you enjoy the conversation of others if you don't listen? This could be one of the best ideas I've ever had. - It all came
101224 -- together when I realized that listening isn't the fun part.
101225 -- Are you ready to do mental gifting? You go first. - I imagine giving you a sweater that doesn't fit. - I imagine giving you a tool that I already have. - Merry Christmas, Dogbert. Stupid sweater.
101226 -- Did you read my long E-Mail? - Not yet. What's it about? - I can't say. - If I tell you what I wrote, the effort I put into writing the E-Mail will be transformed into a waste of time. - I just decided to delete your E-Mail before reading it.
101226 -- Therefore it is always wasted. - You are now free to tell me its contents without reducing your productivity. Oh, okay. - It was something about improving communication, but I worded it better. - Maybe you should read it. Maybe /you/ should.
101227 -- I feel like a failure. Say something to cheer me up? - Happiness comes from comparing yourself to a reference group that is relatively worse off. - You're a successful member of the reference group. And that's not nothing!
101228 -- I can lower your corporate taxes by using a strategy that tax attorneys call the "Dutch Sandwich." and I'm not even making that up. - So...that would transfer our tax burden to people who can't afford tax attorneys. - Yeah...their sandwich has
101228 -- a less appealing name.
101229 -- I've noticed that whenever I ask you a specific question by E-Mail, you avoid answering it. - You're either an unhelpful moron or a poorly designed robot sent from the future to terminate our company. - How did you know it was a robot? I didn't.
101230 -- A competitor from the future is sending robots back in time to terminate our company. - So far it's not much of an issue because their time travel technology is way ahead of their robot-building skills. - Is that as fun as it looks? Totally.
101230 -- They're like zombies, but crunchier.
101231 -- Amber, would you like to celebrate new year's eve with me? - I'll say maybe. That way you can't make other plans and I can wait for a better offer. - I can get away with it because of whatever is happening over there. Yup.
110101 -- I made a list of demands for your new year's resolutions. - Thou shalt not fill up the DVR with geeky science shows. ...thou shalt not snore like an asthmatic cow... - I didn't know other people could impose resolutions on me. It's a new thing.
110102 -- Dilbert, would, you like to join us for lunch? - Where are you going? We haven't decided. - In that case, no. - I can't stand watching a small group of people trying to make a trivial decision. - It makes me lose all faith in humanity. - Food
110102 -- doesn't taste as good when you have no hope. - I'll just get something from the vending machine and fantasize that my co-workers are competent. - Let's see...what goes well with an unrealistic worldview?
110103 -- Jim, our company is family-friendly and very green. - We're also good at setting priorities, so if I get a chance to sell your kids for a handful of carbon credits, I'll do it. - He was less green than I had hoped.
110104 -- Excuse me, but I can't concentrate when someone reminds me of a creature. What? - You've got some sort of Bilbo Baggins vibe going on here and it's throwing me off the game. - Give me a heads up if you see a walking stick coming my way.
110105 -- How much confidence have in your cost projections? - I trust them like I trust you. - Are the assumptions realistic? They're as real as your good judgment.
110106 -- There were eleven ways to interpret the vague assignment you gave me by voicemail. - Given the risks of choosing wrong, and my engineering oath to do no harm, it was my ethical duty to do nothing. - You could have asked for clarification.
110106 -- Sounds risky.
110107 -- I hired a consultant to help us evolve our products to cloud computing. - Blah blah cloud. Blah blah cloud. Blah blah cloud. Blah blah cloud. - IT'S AS IF YOU'RE A TECHNOLOGIST AND A PHILOSOPHER ALL IN ONE! Blah blah platform.
110108 -- I've decided to become more of a big picture guy. - Lesser minds can do the managing and implementing while I criticize them for not "getting it." - So...you want to get paid to be a jerk? Said the implementer.
110109 -- I have to disagree with you, Dilbert. -Actually, you DON'T disagree with me. I don't? - No. You think you disagree with me, but you're mistaken. - You're simply experiencing an illusion caused by the limits of your comprehension. - If you were
110109 -- able to fully comprehend both the problem and my recommended solution, you would agree with me. - So what appears to be a difference of opinion is just you wrestling with your own defective brain. - There's no reason to get the rest of us
110109 -- involved in that mess. - Have you ever noticed that clarity makes people angry?
110110 -- In this country, it is customary to respond to a question with something called an "answer". - Your approach is more like what I would expect to see if clothing were used as bags for meat. - Now I will ask my question a seventh time... stop
110110 -- saying what you're thinking.
110111 -- I can't stop voicing my honest opinions. It's causing problems at work. - According to your medical records, you're an engineer. We classify that as a disease now. - GAAA!!! YOU HAVEN'T HAD YOUR PON FARR VACCINATION. Is it warm here?
110112 -- My doctor says I have a wicked case of Pon Farr. It's when Vulcans and engineers go into heat every seven years. - I'm pretty sure I don't care, but let me check my calendar just in case... - SOMEONE KILL ME! NOW! NOW! NOW! continued...
110113 -- Did you hear that Dilbert and Alice are on the same Pon Farr cycle? What? - Every seven years, engineers have an irresistible urge to mate. Their spawn would be the product of two engineers. - There's a Reason It Rarely Happens YOUR PLAN HAS
110113 -- UNNECESSARY STEPS! YOUR SPECIFICATIONS ARE VAGUE!
110114 -- Your idea has already been tried by others and it failed miserably. - Were those others as skilled at implementing ideas as you are at evaluating them? - Of course they were! Can you tell him to stop insulting himself?
110115 -- How's everything going? It couldn't be worse. - I was the only person who said this project is a bad idea. Then you assigned it to me. - It's funnier when I make them say it. grrrr
110116 -- Our meeting room is being used by a vice president. - I need all of you to search for an unoccupied room Call my cell when you find one. - I'll stay here in case they finish soon. - Where are you going to look? - I'm going to take a nap inmy
110116 -- cubicle and hope the problem takes care of itself. - Good idea. I'll get some work done. - Perfect time to run some errands. - Optimism is a lot like disappointment.
110117 -- I have a /great/ idea! Why don't we make our product social? - Because when /you/ start to understand a concept, it marks the beginning of its decline. - On a related note, it's never a good idea to ask an engineer a question in the "why don't
110117 -- we" format.
110118 -- Dogbert's Sales Training Seminar Losers sell to customers. - Winners sell the idea of low quota levels to their bosses. low...low...low... - NOW EVERYONE DO THE CHA-CHING DANCE!
110119 -- Thanks for spending the day interviewing with us. I can now reveal the nature of the job and the salary range. - You know my current salary and yet you wasted my entire day interviewing me for a job that pays less. You are either evil or
110119 -- inconsiderate. - So...not as good as your current job? - It's a tie. I'll need to test the commute one more time.
110120 -- How did your interview go yesterday? GREAT! - They offered less money for a worse job. But for half a day I imagined it would be better. - HALF A DAY?! LUCKY! I know! I can't wait for my next useless interview!
110121 -- We're not creative enough to create whole new markets, the way Apple does. - And we're not powerful enough for a fast follower strategy. - What we need is a sexy, strategic-sounding name for crumb-snatching. Niche player?
110122 -- I just saw in the news that Google gave an engineer millions of dollars. I'm underpaid! - I'll speak to our director of human resources and see how I can fix this situation. Really? - How can we stop news?
110123 -- Dilbert, this is Alan. He's a frendor. - He's not just a friend, and not just a vendor. He's something in between. - He'll laugh at your jokes and invite you to golf. - Some people are bothered by his conditional type of "affection". - But it's
110123 -- better than the nothing you have now. - This is awkward because I already decided to buy from his competition. - Now you've done it. You turned your frendor into a stalkor. - I wonder if it's wrong to enjoy the attention. ** **
110124 -- Why did you reject my friend request on Facebook? - I'm not your friend. I'm a disgruntled wage slave who hopes you die in a freak industrial accident tomorrow at 3 PM. - That's disturbingly specific. Hey, look. You have a meeting at the
110124 -- warehouse tomorrow.
110125 -- The government announced tax incentives for new capital investments. - That's great. Now we can pursue marginally attractive opportunities with our overburdened staff. - Is he always like this? Yes. I'll just divert resources from out top
110125 -- priorities.
110126 -- We've decided to use the new tax incentives on the projects we were going to do anyway. - The tax savings will go toward executive bonuses, which stimulate the economy via the "tickle on your heads" theory. - It's call the "trickle down"
110126 -- theory. Not on Poker night.
110127 -- Asok, I need you to go to Elbonia. It's too cold for airplanes to operate there, so you'll need to use underground route. - Fly into Switzerland and follow the sewer systems from there. Stick to the side of the sewer where it's dryer. - It's a
110127 -- sewerside mission! You'll need a warn jacket and a rat hammer.
110128 -- Airport Security Step over here, sleeper cell. - Our new pat down procedures might be more invasive than you're used to. - Only terrorists act nervous in these situations.
110129 -- Elbonian leftists kidnapped Asok. They have ransom, demands. - They want a three-pack of tube socks, a carton of milk, and six yams. - Maybe you could buy that stuff on your way home. YOU'RE MAKING MY LIFE A NIGHTMARE! JUST KEEP HIM!
110130 -- Dilbert, your boss asked me to get your input on this. Absolutely, Ruth. - We have two options for wasting our time here. - Option one: I could tell you all of the things you should change, and you could ignore me as usual. - Option two: I
110130 -- could lie, and tell you that everything is perfect. - I prefer the lie. That way I can pin some blame on you if things go bad. - Excellent choice. It's faster, and I can later say I was misinterpreted. - Okay then, I declare that your document
110130 -- is perfect, under a certain set of assumptions that I won't list. - Did you help Ruth? I'll say yes, but it's sort of a gray area.
110131 -- I thought my Elbonian kidnappers would hold me forever because you refused to pay the ransom. - Then the Stockholm effect kicked in. I started identifying with my captors and beating myself. - And they let you go? Apparently I looked
110131 -- contagious.
110201 -- Is this how you really write, or did birds walk on your keyboard? - I only need your opinion on the technical part of it. - Okay, let's assume that your readers will know what you mean by "blobbing on the Ethernet."
110202 -- The experts say I should motivate you by displaying my own sense of passion and purpose. - I LOVE GETTING RICH AT YOUR EXPENSE...AND GOLFING!!! - Do you feel any different? Yup.
110203 -- If we build our software with no bugs, we can make a 10% return on our investment. - But if we do a poor job, we can make a 40% return by selling upgrades and service. - But don't worry. We only have the budget for a poor job. Phew! I can't
110203 -- remember if we're cheap or smart.
110204 -- The government's new unemployment statistics are out. crumple crumple - POINK! - It's still a bad time to look for a job. Yeah. I got that.
110205 -- There is a very simple solution to the problem that is stumping Dilbert. - I will gladly explain it to him after this meeting. - You're probably wrong, and yet you still made me look like an idiot. I win!
110206 -- Dilbert, work with Gustav to get our new product explained on our website. - Here's what I have so far. It's awful. - Excuse me? There's no information. It's all images and annoying music. - People make buying decisions based on what they read.
110206 -- This gives them nothing. - If I clutter the design with useful information, it will look ugly, and I won't be able to use it in my portfolio. - I need that portfolio to get a job at a better company. Please help me escape. - You'll probably
110206 -- work here until you die in your cubicle no matter what the website looks like. - Did you help Gustav? Yes, but it wasn't a good day for our stockholders.
110207 -- I'm an inch taller than you and my PowerPoint slides are in the Louvre. - Some say the earth is on the back of a giant. But who do you think is holding the turtle? You? - Wrong! It's turtles all the way down. But who do you think is holding the
110207 -- infinite turtles?
110208 -- Accounting You charged my project for expenses that aren't mine. Let me see that. - We accountants are arsenic-based life forms. That makes you my natural enemy. crumple crumple - That is not logical. Live long and phospher.
110209 -- I got your text message and I burped the grope plow armistice as you requested. - Maybe you should turn off the autocorrection feature on your phone. - If the weather holds, I'll flail the rude fresco tomorrow.
110210 -- Dogbert Consults Where does your company fit on this comprehensive list? Facebook China Irrelevant - - Now let's form breakout groups to fantasize about being relevant.
110211 -- Facebook has created a giant robot arm to steal talented employees from other companies. - IT'S HERE!!! - No. it looks like we got the giant condescending Facebook robot arm instead. pat pat
110212 -- It might look as if I'm in a dead-end job, but I'm developing an app in my spare time. - Here's a lottery ticket. I just doubled your odds of success. - I bought two for myself so I don't need to make an app.
110213 -- We have to learn to do more with less. - Less meetings? - No. We'll need /more/ meetings to figure out how to do more with less. - Less micromanagement? - No, I'll have to watch you more closely than ever to make sure you're doing more with
110213 -- less. - I'm talking about using less money. - Oh, like a death spiral. Why didn't you just say that in the first place? - It's as if you're talking more to say less. Should we be more like you or less?
110214 -- CEO The media is asking if you'll take the pledge to give your fortune to charity. - That pledge is for billionaires! I only have $200 million to leave to my heir! - On a semi-related note, find out who keeps putting monkey DNA in my clone's
110214 -- test tube.
110215 -- How hard would it be to program our website to collect browser history from our visitors? - Well, first I'd need to invent some sort of device that reverses my sense of right and wrong. - So...are we talking about a week...or a month?
110216 -- Tina, you'll be in charge of our move to the new building. - That means you think my regular job is so unimportant that I won't be missed if I work on something else for a month. - If it makes you feel any better, this will take longer than a
110216 -- month.
110217 -- Office Relocation You new cubicles will be a color called "Death Eater Gray." - The fabric is a soul sponge that will absorb your happiness if you stand near it. - How'd the meeting go? Well, you know, fear of the unknown.
110218 -- Office Relocation Your floor plan puts me between a loud talker and a chronic flatulator. - I could move you to a cubicle between a guy who clears his throat all day and a woman who laughs too much. - Is this because I once said you aren't
110218 -- smart enough to be an engineer? Look what I engineered.
110219 -- I can't help on your project this week because we're moving to a new office. - It sounds weird because it's true. I like to throw in a real one every now and then. - You might want to save that attitude for the next round.
110220 -- I have a budget meeting tomorrow with our CFO. - I'll be competing against all of the other departments for precious budget dollars. - This won't be easy because all of the other departments are staffed with professional liars. - That's a bit
110220 -- of an exaggeration, don't you think? - What do you call marketing? Okay, I'll give you that one. - Sales? Right, but... P.R.? Well, yes... - Finance? I forgot about that one. Legal? Wow. - Do the next one yourself. How about human resour...you
110220 -- win.
110221 -- You used the entire engineering portion of my project budget just learning the new technology. - I'm sorry things didn't work out for you. - Some say I'm a slow learner, but I like to think of myself as expensive.
110222 -- Company Lawyer I need your legal advice. - There's a risk that this could cause a chain reaction that results in a future visionary leader not being born. - It's just a maintenance agreement. It's like stabbing Ghandi.
110223 -- Your software services contract is too confusing for any normal human to comprehend. - And it wouldn't be cost-effective to involve our attorneys for a deal so small. - So I'll just take a chance and sign it. Doc...scrub in. I got the liver.
110224 -- There's a guy in the lobby who says he's here to harvest your organs. - Apparently, you signed a software services agreement without fully understanding it. - Well, at least I can save lives. He said something about his cat's birthday.
110225 -- I signed a software contract without getting your input because I was in a hurry. - Now the software company claims they can harvest my organs. - DO you see any holes in their contract? They mention holes...in the context of your torso.
110226 -- The contract that you ignorantly signed gives them the right to harvest your organs. - Your best legan strategy is to get sworn affidavits from attractive women saying you have cooties. - Hey yes, I'll sign it. I was hoping this would be harder.
110227 -- Build a new server to replace the one with the corrupt operating system. - That's what I'm doing right now. - Recover the data from the bad server and put it on the new one. That's the whole point. - Then see if you can reinstall the operating
110227 -- system on the old one and redeloy it. - Do you have any instructions that are not blindingly obvious? - This is called managing. The alternative is chaos. - How did you just make chaos sound like a good thing? - You should test the new server.
110227 -- Seriously, can we try the chaos thing?
110228 -- Our consultant will tell us how we can secure a long-term supply of rare earth metals for our products. - China has most of the rare earth metals. Try dying. And reincarnating. There's a 20% chance that you'll be born Chinese. - What's plan B?
110228 -- If the only part that goes wring is the Chinese part, you can try dying again.
110301 -- The government is nagging us to get rid of our dangerous radioactive waste. - On a totally different topic, I'm giving each of you a motivational paperweight that says, "nice going." - Try to avoid licking them.
110302 -- Should I continue to manage issues? - Or should I align organizational activities with stakeholder expectations? - Which answer would cause you to do real work? What is this, a farm?
110303 -- Ted, there's an app for you. - Waa-waa! Don't fire me! - How awesome is that?
110304 -- I see you have your giant-sized barf bag. You must be going to the Consumer Electronics Show. Yup. - Every time I see a new product that is cooler than anything we're working on, I'll go to the bag. - At The Sow And it only weighs one ounce!
110304 -- FOOMP!!!
110305 -- At the Trade Show Are you actually interested in this product or are you just trying to chat me up? - The show is too big to see everything, so I use a mammary filter to decide who I talk to. - You use a what? You you have any free stuff or job
110305 -- offers?
110306 -- You need to be more proactive. - I can only appear to be proactive if you stop telling me to do things I've already planned. - How am I supposed to know what you plan to do every minute? - I could send you an E-Mail every time I have a thought.
110306 -- I don't have time for that! - Apparently your bad time management is creating the illusion that I'm not proactive. - I'll take the liberty of signing you up for a time management class. - DON'T DO THAT! So...I should NOT be proactive? - JUST DO
110306 -- WHAT I WANT BEFORE I KNOW I WANT IT. I hope the next thing you want is sarcasm.
110307 -- What happened to you? I went to a technology trade show. - The event was so huge that it made me feel small. But it's just an illusion. - For an illusion, you make a great cup holder. Dude. Not cool.
110308 -- I considered getting an earring to make myself more fascinating. - But I send a lot of time sleeping in my chair, so I need my head to be center balanced. - You don't have normal problems. I almost died getting my hair cut.
110309 -- I need you to be open-minded about this idea. Oh, really? - That's the sort of thing people say before they describe the worst idea in the history of the world. - My idea is to NOT give me a raise. I'm hating you a little extra.
110310 -- Why do you keep closing the blinds? - Screen glare? - GAAA!!! Screen glare. Don't care.
110311 -- Your competitors are faster because they have meetings where everyone has to stand up. - We'll top that by having meetings where everyone does jumping jacks while I pelt them with office supplies. - IT'S WORKING!
110312 -- I can't help you because I'm busy working on a social network strategy for our global supply chain. - That sounds like something that no one wants and no one needs. - That's probably why it's taking so long.
110313 -- I can't sign off this plan. It's too expensive. - You heard me say that doing nothing will end up costing you twice as much, right? - Yes. And you understand that this is your only alternative? - I have another meeting. Maybe Dilbert can
110313 -- explain it to you. - Um...okay. I'll try. - My boss doesn't understand that costs should be compared to alternatives. - Oh. - Teamwork means you can't pick the side that's right.
110314 -- So...you e-mailed our CEO and asked for funds to build a social network for our global supply chain. - No one wants that. But it sounds good, so he moved all of our project funding to your dumb area. - And...you will produce nothing. Said the
110314 -- engineer with no budget.
110315 -- I thought of your idea a year ago and rejected it for being impractical. - Did you just take credit for my idea and diss it at the same time? Thanks for noticing. - He also cleverly implied that you're a moron. It feels good to be appreciated!
110316 -- Scientists say that exercise makes your brain work better. - I haven't exercised since the eighties. - That pretty much debunks science. It had a good run.
110317 -- My best friend from college keeps bugging me to visit her. The flight will cost a small fortune. - Try offering her a cash payment of half the estimated cost of the trip if she agrees to stop inviting you. - You don't have any friends, do you?
110317 -- I hear they're expensive.
110318 -- Why haven't you returned my calls? - I tried, but when I put the phone to my ear, it pressed my traguy over my ear hole and I couldn't hear a thing. - Do you research on your excuses before meetings? I'm not lazy, I'm useless. There's a big
110318 -- difference.
110319 -- Alice, I need you to fill in for me while I'm on vacation. Yay! - I can't wait to belittle my subordinates for not doing the things I only imagined telling them to do. - Why would you do that? Why would you ask that?
110320 -- Asok, get me the reliability stats for our previous model. - I am fairly certain the data does not exist. - Wally can show you how to get it. Come with me. - You start by typing random numbers into a spreadsheet. - Then what? Then you're don. -
110320 -- All business data is intentionally misleading. I just take it to the next level. - A deep understanding of reality is exactly the same thing as laziness. click click click click click - That can't be right. Have you ever seen a statue of Buddha
110320 -- jogging?
110321 -- Our pointy-haired boss put me in charge while he's gone. - That's proof that I'm better than you...and you...and you...and you...and you. Oh look: that's the only thing on my agenda!
110322 -- I'm filling in for your boss this week, and I need twenty copies. - That's not how it works. When he's out of the office I take a workstation vacation. - I don't like being in charge. I hear it's overrated.
110323 -- We're no longer using the term "work-life balance" because it implies that your life is important. - Now we call it "work-life integration" so it's easier to make you work when you would prefer being with loved ones. - And I'd like to give a
110323 -- big thanks to those of you who never had a life. You're welcome.
110324 -- I spent the week writing a test script for our product. - And I wrote a test script to test Dilbert's test script. - Your script was almost perfect. Keep up the good work, buddy.
110325 -- We can learn from our mistakes. Let's make a list of the things that each of you did wrong this year. - Is it just a coincidence that our annual performance reviews are due next week? - It would have been the stuff of management legends. Very
110325 -- nice try.
110326 -- Hey, Asok. I'm updating our employee profiles. Where'd you go to school? - I graduated from the Indian Institute of Technology in Lucknow with a double major in engineering and physics, and a minor in false humility. - For my combined thesis I
110326 -- terraformed a planet in another dimension and didn't tell anyone. I'll put "Indian."
110327 -- Wally, can you review this for any engineering issues? - What issues do you think it has? - I don't know. I'm not an engineer. - Your request is too vague. You need to tell me what issues I'm looking for! - Did you just ask ME to do what I
110327 -- just asked YOU to do? - I don't know. I'm an engineer, not a linguist. - I'VE SUDDENLY LOST ALL MY FAITH IN HUMANITY! - On the plus side, you found an issue.
110328 -- To answer your question faster, I'll need to use the two halves of my brain like dual code processors. - I'm only warning you because it might be disconcerting to watch. How bad could it be? - WAH-AH-GEEEE! Maybe you can E-mail me your answer.
110329 -- I'm writing fake press releases for imaginary new green energy technologies. - Scientists say that by 2040 you will be able to power your entire home with the breeze from your refrigerator door. - Now how will I know which green breakthroughs
110329 -- are real? Seriously? You think there are real ones?
110330 -- I'm ready to hold a press conference to introduce my cold fusion breakthrough. - All you did is put a lightbulb in a jar. I can see the wires plugged into the outlet. - You have a low opinion on people. I considered using a jar with frosted
110330 -- glass, but it seemed like overkill.
110331 -- Press Conference As you can clearly see, I have created cold fusion. - That's not cold fusion. It's just a jar with a lightbulb. - Here's some more news: no one cares what the camera guy thinks. IT'S FREE ENERGY!
110401 -- I was holding a virtual meeting using the cloud and... - You're already dead and you don't know it. Um...no, I'm an engineer. - And yet your soul had a meeting in a cloud. Interesting. My people call it an avatar.
110402 -- This isn't what I wanted. I know. - Your communication skills are so poor that I gave up trying to understand what you wanted and instead put some random numbers on a spreadsheet. - WHY DIDN'T YOU ASK ME TO CLARIFY?! Apparently your listening
110402 -- skills need work too.
110403 -- Dogbert's CEO Interview Series I don't like people. - What makes your company so profitable? - I give all of the credit to our fine employees. - Is that another way of saying that you're overpaid and useless? - Um...no. I'm their leader. I set
110403 -- the direction. - Because the employees are too dumb to set their own direction? - No! They're smart! But not a s smart as you? - Who's going to see this? No one, assuming you're the highest bidder.
110404 -- Now you've done it. He has brain overload from your unnecessarily detailed answer. - Great. Totally broken and we need a decision today. - Is he nodding yes? I'm sensing an opportunity here.
110405 -- I'd like a quote for taxidermy on this critter. - The law says I can't stuff humans, especially when they're still breathing. - But I believe in small government, so roll him to the back.
110406 -- His brain shut down from information overload, so I asked a libertarian taxidermist to stuff him. - There's a hand hole in the back so we can work him like a puppet. - It's sort of creepy. You'll get used to it.
110407 -- The engineering department is finishing all of their projects early and we don't know why. - Tell them to do a PowerPoint presentation at the next executive retreat to share their methods. - NOW IT'S MY TURN TO USE THE DEAD BOSS HAND PUPPET!
110407 -- Uh-oh.
110408 -- We have a report of a pointy-haired boss being stunned by data overload, stuffed, and used as a hand puppet. - That's ridiculous. It sounds like the plot of a poorly written story arc. - It sounds poorly drawn too. Case closed, right?
110409 -- I created a portal to a parallel universe. My success was possible because Alice killed our boss so we are all more productive. - Step aside. The cops have been sniffing around and I need something from the other universe. - Look on the bright
110409 -- side, Asok. Some other universe just got a lot more productive. Gaaa!
110410 -- MELTDOWN IN CUBICLE 4S9540! - That's Ted. He must have reached his T.W.L. His what? - Theoretical workload limit. In Layman's terms, his brain is full. - It starts when just one of your prospects becomes overdue. - You end up spending all of
110410 -- your time explaining why you didn't get it done. - That makes all of your other projects overdue. When every task becomes urgent, your brain can't decide what to do next. - Brains make a funny noise when they shut down. * POINK - Uh-oh. I just
110410 -- missed a deadline. And so it begins.
110411 -- You need to create a product that gives people the illusion of being friends with ghosts. - People only want real friends, not imaginary ones. Your idea is ridiculous. - How many friends do you have on Facebook? Seven hundred. Why?
110412 -- Our new product will be a social network for people who want to be friends with ghosts. - We'll post satellite pictures on each ghost's personal page and say the photos were taken from heaven. - Later Abraham Lincoln posted new pictures. I'm
110412 -- chatting with Ghandi!
110413 -- Our products only appeal to people who aren't good at comparison shopping. - But I justify it because our existence prevents competitors from raising prices. - Am I a bad person? I molt a little bit every time you talk.
110414 -- I plan to add seven more layers of management between you and me. - My goal is to lead the company without knowing anything about it. - That sounds like a bad idea. This sort of input is exactly what I'm trying to avoid.
110415 -- I'm adding a few layers of management below me. - The new layers are VP, AVP, director, dolphin, inanimate object, and chalky substance. - If you have any issues, I encourage you to talk to the chalky substance.
110416 -- I developed this app in my spare time. What do you think? - I think you made spare time look like an awful thing. - If you'd like a less honest answer, I can recommend someone in marketing. I might try that.
110417 -- And we plan to bestshore the production. What? - We say bestshore now instead of offshore. - Is that because we never tried to pick the best shore until now? - OF COURSE WE TRIED TO PICK THE BEST SHORE! - But we never succeeded because we're
110417 -- incompetent? - ALL I'M SAYING IS THAT SOME COUNTRIES ARE BETTER THAN OTHERS! - - We're racists?
110418 -- Low hanging fruit! - OW! - See? Wow.
110419 -- Which one of you asked for capital for testing handset radiation? - That was Stan. And you told him to find a less expensive way to do it. - Which one of you is Stan?
110420 -- I hope I'm not calling too late. What time is it in Elbonia? - We're seventy years in your future. I'm the great gandson of the guy you are trying to reach. - By the way, that Seti thing won't work out the way you're hoping.
110421 -- Do you mind if I ask Carol to help me schedule these meetings? Ooh... - That's not good. She'd use it as an excuse to do absolutely nothing else for a week. - Is it okay if I just stare at you in disbelief? Shouldn't you be scheduling some
110421 -- meetings?
110422 -- Asok, there's no nice way to say this... - Do this mindless task for me because you're nothing but an intern and your time has very little value. - There probably /was/ a nice way to say that. It didn't jump out.
110423 -- The committee decided that the file naming convention will start with the date, in the order of month, year, day... - ...then a space, then the temperature at the airport, and the hat size of the nearest squirrel. - To be perfectly honest, it
110423 -- was a long meeting and we probably didn't do our best work toward the end.
110424 -- The first thing on the agenda... - Hold on. I don't know anything about this guy. - What's the difference? - I need to know how important he is. - Should I pretend to like his jokes? Should I nod in agreement no matter what he says? - You can
110424 -- call me anything. Just don't call me late for dinner. - HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! - I hope I didn't waste that.
110425 -- Topper I'm in a bad mood. Maybe I need some sun to boost my vitamin D level. - That's nothing. Exposure to my inner glow will give you a full range of vitamins and minerals. - You're better than the sun? I don't quit just because it's night.
110426 -- The company is trying to reduce expenses, so you need to pay for your own radiation dosimeters. - We'll just stare at you until you understand the wrongness of that policy. - One Hour Later Still nothing.
110427 -- I started a task force to eliminate redundancies in our internal processes. - Really? I'm doing the same thing. -
110428 -- Dogbert's Password Recovery Service I have so many passwords and Email accounts that I don't know what goes what. - I'm lost. If you can't help me I think I might snap. - No problem. What's your password recovery PIN code? SNAP!
110429 -- Dogbert's Password Recovery Service Are you trying to recover a password, PIN code, user name, pass code or code word? - I HATE THIS STUPID COMPLICATED PLANET! I AM SO OUT OF HERE! - And that is how Floyd became the first person to hold his
110429 -- breath and jump into outer space.
110430 -- I researched how long your customers will stay on the phone trying to get tech support before giving up. - Then I designed an audio menu tree that will take them slightly longer then to reach your tech support. - I've seen your user manuals and
110430 -- I assume that you hate your customers' guts. It's more of an apathy thing.
110501 -- Who wants to see a picture of my new boat? - That's a very good question. - If we consider the fact that we work much harder than he does... - And we have valuable engineering skills, whereas he can't operate the GPS in his SUV... - And for
110501 -- some reason /we/ don't get paid enough to buy impressive boats. - And we have no nautical interests whatsoever. - I think your best bet is people who don't know you. - And you are? This only works if we don't get too familiar.
110502 -- My brain isn't working at its peak efficiency this afternoon. - Common sense says I should go home early to avoid making any mistakes that would be bad for the company. - Unless...nothing I...do is important. Sounds like your brain is back to
110502 -- its peak efficiency.
110503 -- Mordac Ted, the I.S. group monitors every website you visit. - Based on that information, we came up with a list of nicknames for you. - My job got a lot more fun after we stopped doing the client satisfaction survey.
110504 -- Once again, our only profitable line of business is "international billing errors." - It started as a series of honest mistakes. Now it's the only way we can maintain our bonuses. - Do we have anything better in the pipeline? R&D is testing
110504 -- some new errors for our pension algorithm.
110505 -- Congratulations on solving every important problem in the world. - I assume that's what happened. Otherwise, you wouldn't have time to create desk standardization policies. - High five?
110506 -- I'm toying with the idea of becoming a useful member of society. - Then I could enjoy the admiration and respect of my peers. - The way you respect and admire /me/? Great! Now you've talked me out of it!
110507 -- Bob in Procurement I need the signed original contract to process your order. Because we're in the middle ages? - Ouch! Your stinging sarcasm has embarrassed me into saying I will accept a faxed copy. - Are we good now? Absolutely, because the
110507 -- 1950s is a happy time.
110508 -- In my spare time I created some awesome new features for our product. - GAAAA!!!! SHUT THE DOOR! WHAT?!! - You fool! If my boss finds out you have spare time, he'll think we're overstaffed! - You can never speak of these awesome new features
110508 -- again. - I'm confused. You told me I need to go above and beyond my job description to get the highest performance rating. - That's just something I say to keep you from getting a healthy raise. - So...I lose no matter what I do? - For what
110508 -- it's worth, you're doing better than our customers.
110509 -- Here's the first draft of an advance health care directive I wrote for you. - "Kill me if I have a headache. Kill me if I'm itchy. Kill me if I complain too much." - I might have some edits. There's you complaining again!
110510 -- For competitive reasons, we've rebranded all of our 4G mobile products as 8G. - I'm curious that the marketing department thinks the "G" stands for. - Guess what doesn't mean "goodness."
110511 -- Wally, did you finish coding the paywall for our website? - I did something better. I wrote a script to delete any new content as soon as it's posted. - At bonus time, keep in mind that you're the one who had the idea to eliminate revenue, and
110511 -- I'm the one who lowered hosting costs.
110512 -- I'm sick of listening to whiny idiots. Do you have a pill for that? - I sure do! I took a handful of them this morning and I feel great in spite of your complaining! - How funny would it be if I make you run on a treadmill until you pass out?
110513 -- I estimated the project timeline by assuming that everyone involved will waste one week. - That's a stupid way to do a timeline. Set up a meeting and I'll show you how it's supposed to be done. - He's available in a week.
110514 -- I took the liberty of updating your estate plan. - This gives you a powerful incentive to kill me so you can inherit my stuff. - If it makes you feel any better, that option has always been on the table.
110515 -- Would you mind filling out this customer service so we know how we're doing? - I don't have time to fill out surveys about everything I do. - But you're making me feel guilty about not doing it. - Oh no! You turned a good customer experience
110515 -- into something ugly. - It's getting all awkward and I'm looking like a big jerk in front of my date. - Now I can never again eat here because I'm afraid of what you'll do to my food. - You've ruined my favorite restaurant, as well as my chance
110515 -- of romance with this woman. - ...favorite restaurant... What are you doing later?
110516 -- Did I remember to tell you before you finished the coding that the user's specification changed? - AAAIII-YIIII-YIIII-YIIII-YIIIIII!!!!!! - So, no-ish? BAM! BAM! BAM!
110517 -- You scheduled the end of the test phase after the start of the production phase. - We're feeling confident. - It's too bad that being smart doesn't come with some sort of good feeling like that.
110518 -- I'm considering becoming an idiot so I can get the health benefits of happiness. - It comes with a social stigma, but that's not a problem if I'm not aware that I'm an idiot. - I feel healthy today, so there's a good chance I already made the
110518 -- transition. Yep.
110519 -- The printer prowler spots activity. - It's time to see what the minions are working on. - They're on to me.
110520 -- I no longer understand anything employees say. - I must be so out of touch with technology that I don't even recognize the words. - I flushed the gravitons out of the warp drive and rebalanced the subspace responders.
110521 -- There was a consensus in the room than you're not important, so we started without you. - We hate you for disrespecting us with your lateness and we expect you'll be lost and confused by the rest of this meeting. - In summary, lateness is one
110521 -- of those things that doesn't work for everyone.
110522 -- This doesn't feel right. - It came straight from our lawyer. - It just feels wring. Can you research it a little more? - Sure. I can do that research in my head. - Let's see...our lawyer got his degree at Harvard and has twenty years in this
110522 -- exact field. - Whereas you have a "feeling" that is probably the result of an unholy combination of greasy food and ignorance. - The data clearly favors the Harvard law degree over the cheeseburger. - **! **# Good luck. He's in a bad mood.
110523 -- Mordac, I'm not getting the coupons by E-Mail that I signed up for. Can you dial back the firewall or something? - Absolutely. There's nothing I enjoy more than malicious compliance with your requests. - Is there any downside? UNLEASH THE DOGS
110523 -- OF HELL! grrrr
110524 -- Our firewall is down. Some bad stuff is getting through. How bad? - So far we've seen viruses, spyware, tuberculosis, zombies, a deposed dictator, and an iPhone 3GS. buzzzz - Update: an army of mole people from another dimension has tunneled
110524 -- through. Keep me informed.
110525 -- I used to compare all men to my ex-boyfriend. - Now I compare all men to the entertainment standard of my smartphone. - I only scored a two on the smartphone scale, but I was a solid five compared to someone named "Lying Larry."
110526 -- Today you'll learn how to work independently. - In this exercise, I want you to put your arms at your side, close your eyes, and fall backward. - And it's still better than working with other people. THUD THUD THUD
110527 -- Security says your employee locator device isn't turned on. - My what? I think you call it a SmartPhone. - I might have some questions. Put them in a text to yourself. I'll read them later.
110528 -- Hackers got through our firewall. LAUCH ESCAPE POD! - $ - Two questions: What is a firewall? And who designed my escape pod?
110529 -- This award goes to Dilbert for coming up with a major fix to our HTML. - I didn't do anything like that. You must be thinking of someone else. - DO you even know what HTML is? - It's like...a website? - So...you're giving an award for something
110529 -- you don't understand...to someone who wasn't involved? - What I meant to say is that I give this award to...Alice...for...what she did. - YES! ENVY ME, YOU STINKIN' LOSERS! - I don't know why people say this improves morale.
110530 -- I CAN'T WORK FOR A BOSS WHO DOESN'T TRUST ME TO WORK INDEPENDENTLY! - This is a preemptive strike so I won't ask why you didn't turn in a project update? - And more distrust. How do you live with yourself?
110531 -- The company is considering moving from cubicles to an open workspace environment. - Great idea. Can we add some crying babies and the sound of water dripping? - You're being stupid. Maybe I'll be smarter when I have more distractions.
110601 -- Do you remember six months ago when I told you you were wrong. - EEE-YORE! EEE-YORE! EEE-YORE! - I just realized I'm a bad winner.
110602 -- According to your absurdly complicated financial model, we can double revenue by increasing absenteeism. - To be fair, there might be an error or two in the Excel spreadsheet. - Maybe. But I think I owe it to our stockholders to poison the
110602 -- cafeteria just to be sure.
110603 -- How can you compare outsourcing to our restrooms? Are you a racist? - Um...I didn't say anything remotely like that. - Did you learn to debate on the Internet? How can you tell?
110604 -- Tina, all I want you to say in the press release is that our VP of Engineering is leaving for personal reasons. - You didn't need to speculate on the reasons. - Let's lose the part about "bieber fever." Everyone thinks it's easy to write
110604 -- fiction.
110605 -- Seriously? You're going to do email while I give my status update? - Don't worry. I can multitask. - Multitask? You can barely do /one/ task properly. - all you're doing is doubling your rate of failure.
110605 -- Congratulations on becoming the most useless blob of carbon in the universe. - What? Sorry. I missed that. - I said my project is on schedule. - Okay. Great. This totally works for me.
110606 -- I'll review your document and give you my comments this afternoon. - No you won't. You'll read one paragraph then tell me to go research something so you can postpone dealing with it. - They know about plan "A."
110607 -- My financial model in Excel is so complicated that I assume it's riddled with formula errors. - But that's okay because management only uses the results when the figures support their schemes for career advancement. - Uh-oh. I just realized
110607 -- that my life is ridiculous. Do you have handouts?
110608 -- I invented a shoulder holder for my phone. - I felt bad keeping my best friend in my pocket. - Jealousy is not attractive.
110609 -- This week I renamed all of the Unix servers to make them easier to remember. - In phase one, the new names only exist in my mind. I won't know if they're easy to remember until next week. - Next Week How are the new server names? I don't know
110609 -- what you're talking about.
110610 -- I'm just stopping by to say you're doing a great job, Alice. - YOU NEVER DO THAT! IT'S A TRICK! DIE, MONSTER, DIE! - I might have a credibility issue.
110611 -- I can't wait to finish this mind-numbing task... - So I  can start another mind-numbing task. - I really need to stop thinking.
110612 -- Did you ask the lab if they have a way to test traffic loads on our prototype? - I met with them for an hour and explained that we need traffic load tests. - But you didn't actually ask if they could do the tests? Well...no...but... - It's
110612 -- their job to do the tests, and they would have mentioned it if they didn't have a way to do it. - But you didn't ask. That was the context of the meeting. - If they couldn't do that sort of test they would have mentioned it sometime during our
110612 -- hour together.  - Maybe you should ask. GAAA!!! OKAY! I'LL ASK! - ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDING ME?!!! I wondered why you didn't ask.
110613 -- I am unfulfilled at my job. When does that feeling go away? - Asok, you shouldn't think you're totally worthless. - Um...I didn't say I was worthless. I'm trying to take your mind off the other thing.
110614 -- Your idea will never work. - At what point did you reject the hypothesis that you're too dumb to understand how good the idea is? - I'm becoming even less of a people person.
110615 -- Um...may I ask one... blah, blah, blah blah, blah, blah blah, blah, blah blah, blah, blah blah, blah... - I'm begging you. Let me ask... blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah... - You need to participate more in meetings.
110616 -- Wally, have you done anything to address the overlap of your project with Ted's project? - Yes. I've initiated discussions to create a framework that would allow us to adopt complementary architectures. - So...nothing. When did we stop calling
110616 -- it leadership?
110617 -- I noticed some inefficiencies in another department, so I formed a Kaizen team to find solutions. - I asked some of the people in that department to be on the team, but they were busy being inefficient. - With any luck, my ignorance of their
110617 -- function will be seen as an aggressive type of objectivity.
110618 -- Wally, should I try to become indispensible so I won't be fired? - No. indispensible people end up working too hard because they can't risk showing anyone else how to do what they do. - Being useless seems riskier. Have you seen the tie clip I
110618 -- got for 20 years of service?
110619 -- Do you have a minute? I'm on my way to a meeting. - Follow me. We'll walk and talk. - I don't see how this possibly can work. - You can barely concentrate when you're sitting perfectly still. - When you add the extra complexity of walking, it's
110619 -- like asking a squirrel to land a 747. - Must...prove underling...wring... - BONK! - I didn't know that being right could feel so good.
110620 -- If you won the lottery, would you quit working? - I quit working years ago. But I might start gloating if it isn't too hard. - Gloating doesn't sound hard. Can I do it without moving any facial muscles? I have weak eyebrows.
110621 -- You'll need approval from the cloud. The cloud? - It was once called matrix management. But it got so complicated that no one knows who does that. - Can you approve this? What did everyone else say?
110622 -- I can't get buy-in for my project because our CEO hasn't approved it. - And I can't get our CEO to approve it until I have buy-in from all of the divisions. - On the plus side, now I understand why the windows in out building don't open. It's
110622 -- cleaner.
110623 -- I want you to use "Black Hat" methods to raise our website's ranking on search engines. - What do you like best about that idea-the fact that it's unethical or the near certainty of getting caught? - That's sort of a loserish thing to say.
110623 -- Talking doesn't work for people like me.
110624 -- Google found out that we used fake links to boost our search rank. - Now our website only shows up when someone enters the search string "Dung for Brains." - THEY WON'T GET AWAY WITH THIS! Shut your pie hole.
110625 -- OH NO! EMPLOYEE JOB SATISFACTION IS AT AN ALL-TIME LOW AT THE SAME TIME UNEMPLOYMENT IS HIGH! - Ha ha! Good on. Now it's my turn to try saying it as if I care! - OH NO! HA HA! FIX YOUR LIPS!
110626 -- Steer clear of Darryl. He turned feral. Feral? - That's what happens when engineers don't get invited to meetings. - Darryl's only social life was meetings. - He didn't get to use his social skills for a few weeks, and apparently he lost them.
110626 -- - Is it like he turned into a wolfman? - Yes, except he's better at math. And he howls at the Internet, not the moon. - Can we watch? - HOW-OOOOO CAN YOU BLOG THAT?
110627 -- Employees keep whining that we don't have a clear direction. - So I've doubled the number of managers in each group to increase the clarity. - I thought we were doubling the direction. No, we're doubling the clarity.
110628 -- It's impossible to get anything doe this time of year because everyone who isn't totally worthless is on vacation. - - None taken.
110629 -- I need a new phone. Which one do you recommend? - Do you want to be angry about your dropped calls or angry about your poor battery life? - Don't hate the messenger. People similar to you build phones.
110630 -- Check out my new smartphone! - The voice reception is a bit weak, but I can usually make a call if I keep my tongue on a flagpole. - You might be a victim of good marketing. It has apps!
110701 -- I have been informed that it is politically incorrect to use my fist of death at work. - SO FEEL THE WRATH OF MY TOTALLY LEGAL EYE CANNONS! buddabudda!!! GAAA!!! - Oops! I didn't know you were single. Married guys can take a higher setting.
110702 -- Let's begin the meeting, but be aware that I am documenting all of your bullying behavior. - Um...I'm not even close to being a bully, but now your confirmation bias will make everything I say sound like bullying you. click click click click -
110702 -- Can you repeat the part after you implied that I'm a delusional witch?
110703 -- Can you look at this bid and let me know if I can order the hardware? - Yes. - Are you saying yes I can order the hardware, or yes you'll look at it? - mumble, mumble. What? - I need your input on my PowerPoint Deck. - So far, in response to my
110703 -- request, you've given me ambiguity, mumbling, and a change of subject. - Would you prefer that I badger you for an answer until you get angry, or should I return to my cubicle and resume being ineffective? - You ask too many questions.
110704 -- You're ignorant and ridiculous. I'm bored. Are we done here? - You're hired. You must have awesome technical skills or else someone would have killed you by now. - I can't tell if I'm a management genius or just lazy.
110705 -- Did you read my comments on the two alternatives? No. - I recommended option two because neither plan will work but option one is way more expensive. - I already approved option one. If you need any more help, just let me know.
110706 -- This can't be done. You aren't capable of doing it. - I'm not saying I'm incapable! I could do this in my sleep! Because it's easy. - WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE?! Ninja.
110707 -- I'd like to reward you for your hard work by giving you a lateral promotion. - I was going to hire from the outside, but I realized I can make you do the new job plus your old one. - Is money involved? Yes! I'm saving a ton of it!
110708 -- Our goal is to grow the top line by 20%. - How will we do that with products that aren't competitive in an industry that isn't growing? - Does it involve crime? If it does, blink once.
110709 -- Are your projections realistic or optimistic? - They're halfway between a lucid dream and a near-death hallucination. - I'll call them "most likely".
110710 -- Each of you has already mastered the art of being useless at work. - It's time to take it to the next level. - Today I will teach you how to be toxic. - Toxic people talk about two types of things. - One: bring up topics that are sure to cause
110710 -- others to fight. - Two: complain about your personal problems at every opportunity. - Your homework is to practice at work tomorrow. - I mentioned to Alice that you think her plan is kind of lame.
110711 -- You offended me when you said Ted did a great job. It implied that I'm unimportant. - Are you saying I can offend you by complimenting other people? Exactly. - Wally, you're very rational today. Thank you!
110712 -- You fascinate me. - I think I speak for all of your followers on Twitter when I say we want more, more, more. - You don't use Twitter. I just used it to keep my boss busy.
110713 -- You should build your own helicopter from a kit. I'll send you a link to the website. - It's only dangerous for people who are too dumb to know how dumb they are. - Is it as easy as it sounds? I have pliers. YES!
110714 -- Have you met the new engineer? He's a gigantic dork. You two would get along great. - I'll email him to set up a date with you. Is tomorrow good? - Being a dork is not a romantic preference. He says he'll bring his "Star Wars" chess set.
110715 -- It is time for the sacred dance of the cubicle. - HI-AW-AH-HEE-HU-HA-YA-YA-WA-HA-YA-YI - That should make everything I do today seem useful by comparison.
110716 -- The customer survey data is for marketing's eyes only. - Design the next release and we'll tell you if it's what everyone wanted. - How long will that take? That's an engineering secret.
110717 -- I'd like to talk about my career path. Are you sure? - Um...yes, I'm sure. Don't say i didn't warn you. - You're within 20% of your maximum career potential. - your future will be just like the present, except you'll be older and you might own
110717 -- a less-embarrassing car. - If you go to a new company, you'll like it at first, but in time you'll realize every place is the same. - GAAA!!! TAKE BACK THE TRUTH!!! LIE TO ME! LIE TO ME! - Maybe someday our CEO will make such a huge bonus that
110717 -- he'll want to share some of it with you. - I HATE YOU! Hey, I'm the guy who tried to spare you from this conversation.
110718 -- This class will make me more efficient. - I don't want you to be more efficient. You're working for a government contract and billing by the hour. - Now go bill them for the time you stood here and stared at me like a stuffed deer.
110719 -- Hi, I'm Dilbert. How many Twitter followers do you have? - None. The world has judged you. - IT'S AS IF I DON'T EXIST! For a ghost, you do a good job of blocking the TV.
110720 -- Is it okay if I spend the next week balancing traffic loads on our network? - I thought I told you that our hardware vendor already did that. - Worst wingman ever. SHAME IS MY NAME!
110721 -- ...and so, that's my question. - I try not to judge people by the quality of the technical questions they ask. - Is it working? Not even a little.
110722 -- I'm doing a study to find out which managers make dumb decisions. - Would you like to participate? - I don't see why not. And we're done.
110723 -- Your annual skiplevel meeting with my boss is next week. - Everything you say about me is confidential. - But just to be on the safe side, I scheduled my retribution for every day of the following year.
110724 -- The data center is evolving into a "lights out" operation. - Employees will no longer be allowed in the data center. - We hope to eliminate all of the problems that humans cause by moving cables, unplugging power cords, and ruining everything
110724 -- with their dirt and static. - He makes it sound as if the data center is alive and we humans are nothing but germs. - By the way, who called this meeting and who's on the speakerphone? - - Are you...the data center? *click* - I have a bad
110724 -- feeling about this.
110725 -- And then I need you to... Excuse me. - Wally is needed elsewhere to do something unspecified that has an implied high priority. - Seriously? You have a wingman for laziness? I think of him as a productivity retardant.
110726 -- And so, as you can see... All of the numbers I gave you last week are wrong. - I would have mentioned it sooner, but I don't like to draw attention to myself. - I see that you're taking the opposite approach. How's that working for you?
110727 -- And this is Carol. She's my... - Colleague? No. Associate? No. Teammate? No. - I was going to say "subordinate", but now it's awkward.
110728 -- Wally, you said you'd be finished with the design by now. - I said I would /start/ on it by now. That is /not/ what you said! - You need to listen more carefully to my mumbled afterthoughts.
110729 -- We're looking for engineers with short telomeres for their age. - That's an indication that you value work above exercise. - But you have a company gym. That's our slacker trap!
110730 -- Ted, I can't give you a raise because you've been using the company gym during work hours. - I work sixty hours a week! Why did we build a new gym if I'm not supposed to use it??? - You were right. That gym is totally paying for itself.
110731 -- I'm preparing for the complete meltdown of our financial system. - I've got six months of food and water. - I have batteries, flashlights, and gold coins. - I'm prepared too. - I have your home address. - And I noticed that your preparations are
110731 -- light on defensive weaponry. - - Can you add some protein bars to the shopping list?
110801 -- Dogbert is chairing the International Data Security Standards Group. - The goal of our organization is to make your security procedures so inconvenient that you give up hope and die from bed sores. - We take pride in being independent from the
110801 -- companies that fund us.
110802 -- Standards Meeting Each of you has been to represent the interests of your respective companies. - As you know, the best way to create standards is to mash together a bunch of mutually exclusive preferences. - I hope I'm not the only one who
110802 -- joined this group just for the laughs.
110803 -- Are you getting a lot done on the grandpa box? The what? - The people in my generation do our work on our phones and tablets. - I also have a laptop. I'll text the nineties and let them know.
110804 -- Everything you said is right, but I have a reflexive urge to disagree with you. - If you don't mind, I'm going to make a ridiculous counterpoint just to get it out of my system. - Okay, but don't be creepy about it. Software can't be changed.
110804 -- Ahhh...that's good.
110805 -- Pete, I'm getting complaints that everything you say is creepy. - You seem tense. I should give you the number of my massage therapist, "Rubbin, Robin." - You're doing it again. I don't have an address because he works out of a rusty van.
110806 -- Welcome to the monthly meeting of "The Society for the Preservation of Evil Ideas." - Our goal for the coming year is to convince companies to file absurdly broad patents and sue each other for infringing. - How do we make money from that? Beats
110806 -- me. I'm just here to embezzle your dues.
110807 -- I hired the Dogbert Public Relations firm. - His job is to persuade the media to write negative stories about our competitor. - Is that ethical? - I assure you that your competitor is doing the same thing to you. - They're paying a public
110807 -- relations firm a fortune to steer the media toward defaming your company. - - Who did they hire to defame us? - Probably someone awesome.
110808 -- We need to communicate less with other departments. - The more they know about us, the more they criticize what we do. - Is this part of your larger war in knowledge? That was the last thing I'll ever tell you.
110809 -- We're out of time and we accomplished absolutely nothing, thanks to your non-stop talking. - When do I get my trophy for participating? - Someone was raised with too much self-esteem. Watch me walk!
110810 -- I'm judging the quality of your business case by your bad haircut and your poor font choice. - I plan to use a quart of hand sanitizer when I'm done touching your document. - I value substance over style. How's that working out?
110811 -- The great thing about being a sociopath is that everything feels like a victimless crime. - If you give me some insider information for my hedge fund, I'll split the profit with you. - Think of it as a tax on people you don't know. That's the
110811 -- best kind!
110812 -- I'll pay you a million dollars a year to work at my hedge fund. - I'll do the insider trading and you pretend you created an algorithm that makes winning trades. - What if I actually create the algorithm? Sure. And maybe you can eat fiber and
110812 -- make gold, too.
110813 -- We must embrace our failures and learn from them. - That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. - How's the learning coming along?
110814 -- Can I work at home for two days per week? - I can be twice as productive, and happier at the same time. - I probably shouldn't tell you this... - But you're part of an elaborate science experiment to see how much frustration it takes to kill
110814 -- employees. - Why else would the company make you commute for two hours a day just to sit in a tiny box? - Don't feel bad; no one told me either. - I had to piece it together from the evidence. Now I do my part to keep the experiment moving
110814 -- along. - Other people work from home. Are you referring to the control group?
110815 -- Wow. The guy who wrote this doesn't have a clue how software works. - When you talk about people behind their backs, it makes me wonder what you say about ME. - I think we just solved that mystery. You should wear noisier shoes.
110816 -- This is the best plan in the world, and anyone who disagrees is an ignorant nuisance. - Now I'll open it up for comments. Anyone? Anyone? - I'd like to thank you for shortening this meeting.
110817 -- The second option feels right. Let's go with that. - Should we always ignore what the data says. or is this more of a one-time thing? - It's called intuition. It's a slippery slope to witchcraft.
110818 -- I worked backward from the project due date and calculated that we'll need your input on this date. - You have me finishing two weeks before I start. - Let's schedule a time to talk about that. Sure. How about two weeks ago?
110819 -- Did you see my email objecting to your plan? - No, but I saw your email objecting to what I assume is your hallucination of my plan. - You seem defensive. Have we narrowed down the problem to me?
110820 -- Interview Question Describe your biggest mistake and what you learned from it. - I tried to get rid of an old couch by chewing it into tiny pieces and and leaving one handful at a time at Starbucks. - And what did you learn? I learned I should
110820 -- never tell that story.
110821 -- RING Uh-oh. - ring It's never good when my phone rings after 4 PM. - Caller ID is blocked. Someone must know that I would ignore the call if I knew who it was. - If it weren't urgent, it would be email. - This must be some sort of horrible
110821 -- issue that will cause me to work all night. - It stopped. There's still a chance that I'll be okay unless my cell phone... bzzz - GAAA!!! I HATE MY LIFE! - You're right. That /was/ funny. Now I'll text him.
110822 -- I'm your software vendor. I'm here to form a relationship with you. - That way it will be easy to take half of your money. - Does that ever work? It worked for my ex-wife.
110823 -- Our new vendor is creepy. He's trying to form a relationship with me. - I went to your house and did your laundry. You're welcome. - How creepy could it be? I made us sandwiches. You're out of mayo.
110824 -- When are you meeting with the customer? I'll join you to add my valuable input. - SLURP - Does everyone hear that alarm or is it only in my head? I can stay all afternoon.
110825 -- Customer Meeting If I may correct what Dilbert just said, I'm sure it would be easy to make those changes. - You ignorant, backstabbing son of a beach ball. - Are you saying something inside your head? No. Die.
110826 -- I need your latest budget numbers. I put them on that pile yesterday. - I don't have time to look through a pile. Go print it out again. - How many times per day is it okay to think about murder? I'm up to six and it's only lunchtime.
110827 -- I am the ambassador of trees. - You are accused of crimes against wood for your excessive printing and copying. - And then he started biting me. His bark is worse.
110828 -- I want your honest opinions on my plan. - Don't hold anything back. - Does he mean that? Why don't you find out? - Yes, I have some feedback. - Your plan reminds me of what happens when a monkey eats fermented fruit. - He's all OOH-OOH-OOH and
110828 -- then he falls out of the tree. - - Is that how he looks when he hears honesty? Bests me. I've never tried it.
110829 -- This is the greatest idea ever. - Why does it look so dumb when I put it in email? - Bad Decision 1 I'll sort it out later. send
110830 -- Your email was ignorant and arrogant. - Bad Decision 2 How do you know it isn't just a reading comprehension problem on your end? - Bad Decision 3 Let's use logic to see which one of us is right.
110831 -- I wonder why people get mad when I point out how dumb they are. - I'm just trying to be helpful. I don't wan't people going through life not knowing what the problem is. - I'm kind of like a doctor. I stopped listening back at the house.
110901 -- Can you word that more simply? I need to explain it to the executive leadership. - MONEY BE GOOD. THIS MAKE MORE. OOGAH! - That was uncalled for.I can replace the pie chart with a kitten.
110902 -- Did you approve my goals for next year? Yeah, whatever. - Gaaa! Your apathy about my goals can only mean you plan to fire me within the next year! - Ha ha! Now give him unimportant projects. They all seem that way to me.
110903 -- Our newest product infringes patents from Google, Apple, Microsoft, and Oracle. - They've joined forces and hired NASA to nudge an Asteroid toward our headquarters. - I think we can win this. I wonder what the average life span of an optimist
110903 -- is.
110904 -- Wally, I need your data for my meeting in three days. - Okay. It shouldn't need more than three or four days to pull it together. - Not THREE OR FOUR days. I need it in THREE days. - Okay, three days, not counting the weekend and the day I give
110904 -- it to you. - That would be six days! Six or seven days, tops. - I need it in three days, not a week. That's no problem. A week or two at the most. - Okay! You win! I'll reschedule my meeting for two weeks out! - And you'll have the data in two
110904 -- weeks? Yes. Two weeks or so.
110905 -- Interview Are you creative? Oh,yes. I'm very creative. - Research tells us that creative people take ethical shortcuts and are generally less honest. Ooh. - Do you take a long time to do things? I DON'T KNOW THE RIGHT ANSWER!
110906 -- Interview Can you work long hours if needed? Yes. It's normal for me to work 14 hours a day. - Research shows that working long hours causes people to make bad decisions. So we know you're a bad decision maker. - Are you a good communicator? Is
110906 -- the right answer "no"?
110907 -- Dogbert Consults I recommend that you buy the Dogbert Database Software. - Did I just pay a consultant to recommend his own company's software? I'm totally objective. - Who would install and test it? Maybe a consultant who knows the product?
110908 -- We need to enhance our sector-relevant support for a suite of integrated risk assessment tools. - Do you understand? Maybe. Is your point that you don't know how to communicate? - No. Oh. Then I didn't get it.
110909 -- Did you read my technical recommendation? No. It's too long and complicated. - How do you plan to make a decision without reading it? I'll use my gut. - It's probably a good idea to keep your brain brain out of this. growl Quiet!It's saying
110909 -- something.
110910 -- I like to think of myself as a creative person. - And by that you mean you're bad at math and you don't have any technical skills. - Is it permanent?
110911 -- Dilbert, your performance is terrific. - GAAA!!! - That's code for "I'm going to fire someone else and make you do two jobs." - Yes, but it's still better to be you than the guy I'm going to fire. - WE DON'T KNOW THAT! - This might be the
110911 -- wake-up call that spurs him onto greatness while I work myself to death in this cubicle. - There's no way to please some people. - Ted, you're fired. YES!
110912 -- We can manipulate the pointy-haired menace into picking the right plan by comparing it to the worst alternatives. - But then we wouldn't get the full benefit of his wisdom. - Is he behind me? It might be George Clooney. I can't tell them apart.
110913 -- You didn't answer my E-Mail. - I tried to read it but the signal-to-noise ration was too low. - So it's sort of a technical problem? Okay.
110914 -- The hallmark of genius is doing things in a way that other people don't. - You see my project as unfinished. I see it as an unexpected use of time. - Can you see how awesome that is?
110915 -- I've decided to become more aggressive in blaming others for my lack of success. - For example, you're keeping me from working right now. - No I'm not. I DON'T HAVE TIME TO STAND HERE AND ARGUE WITH YOU ALL DAY!
110916 -- Avoid saying "unfortunately" when you talk to customers. - Say instead, "As it turns out." That has a more positive feel. - As it turns out, our power cables aren't as insulated as we had hoped.
110917 -- If consumers hate our new product, we will probably go out of business. - If they love our new product, a stronger company will enter the space and drive us out of business. - Tell the engineer to stop making me sad. I have some fake revenue
110917 -- projections to cheer you up.
110918 -- ...then we can do the load testing and... - I'm invoking the right of imperious interruptis. - In layman's terms, it is the right of all bosses to hijack the conversations of subordinates. - I will now turn my back to you and speak with Alice as
110918 -- if you don't exist. - Do not leave. Do not chime in. Just awkwardly stand here. - IMPERIOUS INTERRUPTUS! - BEHOLD MY POWER TO MAKE /TWO/ UNDERLINGS STAND AWKWARDLY WHILE I HIJACK THIS CONVERSATION! - Have you heard my speech about how we're not
110918 -- level conscious at this company?
110919 -- I made a few tweaks for your idea. - Bow if it fails it was your idea, and if it works I can claim credit. - Genius comes in many forms. Such as steaming and oval?
110920 -- Our strategy is to increase market share. - I'm confused. I spent all last year trying to DECREASE our market share. Was that effort wasted? - Don't worry. Wally told me he has a good sense of humor. I'm not reliable.
110921 -- Your topic of conversation has failed to hold my attention. - I can no longer resist the urge to check my E-Mail while you talk. - You'd better not be emailing me now. This isn't over.
110922 -- Are there any questions? Fell free to ask anything at all. - Why do ghosts have clothes? - If someone gives you a wedgie at the moment you die, will you have it for eternity?
110923 -- My boss keeps micromanaging me. - Have you tried doing good work so she doesn't feel the need? - Maybe I should just listen.
110924 -- I'm burned out by this job. - Is that a grey hair? - Have we met? I started yesterday. I don't handle stress well.
110925 -- I'm getting writer's block trying to come up with your goals for the year. - Just write anything. - We both know I'll ignore the goals and work on whatever you assign me. - How will I know if you do a good job if you don't have goals?
110925 -- - Same way as always. - You'll compare your lack of knowledge about what I did to the goals you imagine you might have created if you could have seen the future. - Then you'll give me an average raise just like everyone else who didn't invent
110925 -- nuclear fusion. - Works for me. It's better to not overthink these things.
110926 -- Hi. My name is Burnt Nount. I started here yesterday. sneeze coming. - AAACHOOO! - I gotta warn you, they come in threes.
110927 -- This might look like an ordinary PowerPoint slide. - But it is actually a portal to another dimension i which fantasy and reality have traded places. - Stop playing with my slides. Beware the horned beast that crosses over.
110928 -- Wise garbage man, tell me why PowerPoint slides are so boring. - PowerPoint is a lot like garbage. It's only delicious in small doses. Too much can kill you. - That analogy only works for flies. Oooh. Look who thinks he's better than flies.
110929 -- I put the data on a flash drive for you. - Get that thing away from me. I don't know where it's been. - I hope you mean the flash drive and not my hand. - I did. But you raise a good point about the hand.
110930 -- Thanks for the suggestion, Asok. - I'm going to ignore it because you're not important to my career and I don't like doing extra work. - I'm confused. Why do you have an open-door policy? How can you leave if the door isn't open?
111001 -- I have an MBA and yet I keep losing money in the stock market. How can this be? - I put all of my money in gold because it's shiny. My portfolio doubled last year. - I'm thinking of getting an MBA. How long does it take? A week?
111002 -- The servers are down. I know. - You should do something about it. I'm trying. - What's the holdup? - I keep getting interrupted by an unhelpful idiot. - Maybe I can help. - I'll guard your doorway and keep that guy away from you. - This is
111002 -- boring. And I don't see that guy. - Have I managed enough for now? You nailed it.
111003 -- Let's play a game. We each say two things about ourselves and the other has to guess which one is a lie. - I /LOVE/ to play games like that. - My second thing is that I eat food.
111004 -- We're buying an entire company just to get their engineers. - Are you aware that slavery is illegal and the engineers are free to find jobs at better companies? - I sure hope you're wrong about that.
111005 -- Congratulations, Asok. I'm naming you Employee of the Month. - Your month is October 1929. - Room to grow.
111006 -- One perfect of engineers create all of the industry-changing products. - I propose replacing the other 99% with robotic arms that hold coffee cups. - You won't see any of the laggards in the 99% come up with great like this one.
111007 -- I hired Ken to teach us how to be more creative. - According to his business card, his title is "ideationista." - That was some of my best work.
111008 -- Studies show that nice guys get paid less than aggressive jerks. - Maybe you should offer your doctor 10% of your next raise if he gives you testosterone injections. - That would be illegal, dangerous, and unethical. Said the man with the tiny
111008 -- income.
111009 -- You know what would be great? - I'd like to see a matrix comparing the features of our past products. - Dilbert, why don't you pull that together for our next meeting? - That would take two days and the matrix would have no practical use. - The
111009 -- problem here is that Ted doesn't have any skin in the game. - I propose that Ted has to bang his head on the table whenever he causes me to do extra work. - That will help Ted make better decisions about the value of my time. - Never mind.
111009 -- NINJA ECONOMICS!
111010 -- I read that aggressive jerks get paid more than nice employees. - STEP ASIDE, UNDERPAID NERDLING! - REMIND ME TO GIVE HER A RAISE, AND I DON'T KNOW WHY.
111011 -- Our company is obscenely profitable but universally despised. grrrr - Our plan is to buy a smaller and more popular company, take their name, and suck out their goodwill like a money on an orange. - Please welcome their founder, Bradley. He's
111011 -- the angriest rich guy you'll ever meet.
111012 -- Leaving early? - If you count the two hours I worked at home when I woke up, and the two hours I'll work tonight you'll come out way ahead today. - How will I come out if you do all of that work plus work late here?
111013 -- Okay, this next decision involves six variables, four imbeciles, and one brilliant engineer. - According to the Dogbert Complexity Algorithm, it is impossible to make a rational decision in this situation. All in favor of giving up? - I found
111013 -- out I'm a brilliant engineer.
111014 -- Please stop researching every statement I make. I can't. - As an engineer, It is my solemn duty to stamp out ignorance. - That's not a real thing. See for yourself. I just googled it.
111015 -- I'm so frustrated that I want to cry, but I refuse to fall into the stereotype. - Asok, I'm making you my surrogate crier. This might hurt a little. - Worst meeting ever. I thought you did a good job on the high notes.
111016 -- We need creative ideas for our next product. - But not from you. Your ideas are awful. - And don't suggest something that is already being done. That just puts your ignorance on public display. - I don't want to hear any ideas that cost money
111016 -- or increase risk. - As usual, I'll evaluate each idea by repeating it slowly while I look at you with disdain. - If you come up with a good idea, I'll let you take on the project in addition to your existing work. - Who wants to go first? - How
111016 -- did I hire so many people who have no ideas? Probably bad luck.
111017 -- I need you to put together a five-year technology plan for our CEO. Sure. - How about "tomorrow will be the same as today, and next year will be all flying cars and whatnot." - Word it up and put a bow on it. I'll add a pie chart for the
111017 -- sizzle.
111018 -- Our competitor is suing us in an Elbonian court for some sort of design trademark violation. - They're trying to block us from manufacturing anything shaped like a rectangle. - What design shapes are available? Only one, assuming "irregular
111018 -- mole" is a shape.
111019 -- We'd better wrap up this meeting because Jenny is a food werewolf. What? - When she goes too long without eating, she turns into a werewolf. rrrrr - It might be too late. YA THINK?
111020 -- Change all of the lines to dotted. - We're not made of ink. - Why'd I just get chills? Me too. It feels like some sort of forbidden knowledge.
111021 -- I'm buying my work clothes at the unisex suit store. - There's no such thing as a unisex suit store. - You always have to be right. That's the pantsuit talking.
111022 -- I need you to bribe an Elbonian minister of commerce and leave no evidence that connects the crime to our company. - The only way to do that is to bribe him and kill him at the same time. - I did not think this through. And obviously I'll need
111022 -- to do you first.
111023 -- Can you show me how to download apps on my new phone? - I could... - But that would take time away from my primary job of showing you how to do formulas in Excel. - Apparently the eight times I already taught you weren't enough. - I don't use
111023 -- Excel often enough to remember from one time to the next. - How often do you expect to download apps? - It's hard to say. I just know I want all of them. - How many are there? Four.
111024 -- Everyone, this is Wally. He's our subject matter expert. - groan uh-oh sheesh oh well ugh - People are better than you'd think at judging a book by its cover.
111025 -- We need a succession plan. I'm so awesome and charismatic that the company would be in trouble if I were to leave. - I wouldn't worry about it. It's not as if you invented anything. We could replace you with a bag of moss. - He got quiet. See?
111025 -- Moss can totally do that.
111026 -- Our CEO needs an underling to drink our industrial sludge at a press conference to prove it's safe. - Um...is there some reason he doesn't do it himself? - Yes, but I forget the details. It was something about the risk of brain worms.
111027 -- We will prove our industrial sludge is safe by forcing an intern to drink a glass of it. - That's stupid. We want to see you drink it yourself. - See if you can reach that guy in the second row with a spit take.
111028 -- He's been like this since our CEO made him drink a glass of our industrial sludge at a press conference. - It lopped a few points off his I-Q., but he still has a bright future in quality assurance or maybe marketing. - And with his new tail
111028 -- he'd be an awesome zip line guide.
111029 -- You've got a bad case of whatchamacallit. - These pills won't fix your underlying problem, but they might give you a wicked case of hemorrhoids. - And I can treat hemorrhoids, so that would feel like progress.
111030 -- My role is digital media curation. - Am I supposed to know what that means? - Ha ha! I look down on you for not understanding my trendy jargon. - Your ignorance is on display for all to see! - Leave this meeting now! You are not worthy! - Maybe
111030 -- you could just tell us what curation means. Fine. Let's try that. - It means um...um... - Is it too late for me to overlook your ignorance and move on?
111031 -- Hi-ho, marketing people! I've been transferred into your department until my brain heals. - I drank some industrial sludge. But don't worry-I'll be able to shake it off in a few days. - A little pollution can't hurt me. I grew up in India. This
111031 -- brain worm will be dead in a week, tops.
111101 -- As your CEO, if I have seen farther, it is only because I stood on the shoulders of giants. - Plus whatever is going on over here. - That's sort of a non-giant situation. And I haven't had shoulders since I was ten.
111102 -- I hired a humor consultant to teach us how to have more fun at work. - Does he cancel out the consultant you hired to filter our Internet access to entertainment? - That was a funny comment. How'd you do that without a consultant?
111103 -- I live in an ugly apartment with two ugly roommates. - Each workday I take an ugly bus to an ugly building and spend the entire day in my ugly cublicle. - At least you get to eat lunch with us. I've said too much.
111104 -- Why did this take so long? - You're comparing a task-the likes of which has never been done-to you imagination of how long such things should take. - Well then, the quality is bad. Compared to...?
111105 -- I hired a consultant to teach us how to be less confident. - Is that because research has shown that overconfident people don't recognize their own mistakes? - Now I feel like an idiot because I didn't know about those studies. I did him first.
111106 -- Job Interview I researched your personal brand online. My what? - I looked at your blob, your tweets, and your Facebook page. I googled your name and followed every link. - I checked your credit, criminal record, school transcripts, and
111106 -- references. - But that's just the external stuff. Exactly. It's the attitude that counts! - No, I mean I also have the results of your urine test. - Oh, and apparently some of your sample landed in a DNA test kit. - And that tanning bed you
111106 -- used last week was actually an MRI. - How's your attitude now? Harder to fake.
111107 -- I fought with my boss to get you a raise but I lost. - I'm always fighting for you behind the scenes. - You're a terrific boss whenever there are no credible witnesses. Thank you.
111108 -- Are you planning layoffs? Am I planning layoffs? - When you repeat my question it means the next thing you say will be a lie. Go. - I love you stinkin' guts.
111109 -- Hey, Alice! Did you hear about my big promotion? - Congratulations, Ted. I'm not jealous at all. Keep up the good work. - Sorry about my face. I haven't mastered the art of full-body lying.
111110 -- He's busy converting everything you did this year into a complete waste of time. - After that, he's scheduled to lower our morale. Then he'll be stirring up trouble in other departments. - How's tomorrow look? He'll be undercommunicating all
111110 -- day.
111111 -- Stop right there. Don't tell me the technical details of your idea. - I make my decisions based on what I know about the people involved. - You know less about me than you know about my idea. - Is your idea pale and poorly dressed?
111112 -- I'm here to boost your morale by pretending to be interested in you as a human being. - But it's probably overkill since unemployment is around 9% and you're not likely to quit. - Still, it's nice to... That's enough! I don't want my brain to
111112 -- fall out of my yawn hole.
111113 -- I discovered a way to bend light around an object to form a cloak of invisibility. - We'll make billions selling it to the military. - I'll be testing it over the next several months. - You'll know it's working if you never see me in the
111113 -- office. - During that time, don't sit in any empty-looking chairs unless you first shout my name and clap. - WHAT'S THAT OVER THERE?! - What? I don't see anything. - How do you like it so far?
111114 -- I learned th hard way that a lot of people who work in the biotech field are practical jokers. - I thought my company was giving free flu shots. - Stupid stem cells.
111115 -- Wally, is there any difference between trust an stupidity? Hold that thought. I'll be right back. - - Oh.
111116 -- When I asked for your goals for the coming year, I had something different in mind. - Not "work as little as possible while avoiding the wrath of the pointy-haired troll". - Don't call them /my/goals if you mean /your/ goals.
111117 -- Who wants to hear about my golf game? - Maybe someone with locked-in syndrome who doesn't get any visitors. - Just for that, I'm going to tell you twice. No, please. I'll do anything.
111118 -- My mother always told me to beware the Bogeyman. - That was bad parenting. There's no such thing as the Bogeyman. - I was one over par on every hole. Let me tell you all about it.
111119 -- I want to fire Wally, but I can't risk it. - He says he's the only one who can program the zeberpupin system. - Are you sure that's true? It must be. No one else has even heard about it.
111120 -- I hired a world-class inventor. - Meet Toby. When he worked for our competitor, he invented their coolest product. - I was just a member of the team. A key member! - Until they fired me for stealing. You came to the right place. - We have tons
111120 -- of stuff to steal and no one ever gets caught! - Give me a high five with a boss head in the middle! - SLAP! - That's the only thing I ever invented. Have you seen our storage closet?
111121 -- I successfully installed a software maintenance patch to the Zeberpupin system. - I'd show you, but it's just a bunch of zeroes and ones. - The word you're trying to think of is "indispensable."
111122 -- Mom, the good news I wanted to tell you is that my boss named me a project manager. - Please keep that to yourself. I tell my friends you're a locksmith. - You're paying for your own lunch. I'm Ed. I'll be your project manager.
111123 -- Once again, none of you responded to my E-Mails this past week. - So I put together a project time line that reflects neither consensus nor reality. - Can I have a copy so I can mock it? No. I'm still enjoying the illusion of progress.
111124 -- Unmotivated Sales Guy My slides are blank because no one told me what out product does. - And I don't have a compelling reason to find out because I don't work on commission. - If anyone asks why you didn't place an order, would you mind saying
111124 -- you have budget issues?
111125 -- I want to buy your company's product but it's like pulling teeth with you. - Ha ha! I switched from commissions to a guaranteed salary. I'm free from the tyranny of customer service! - This is less than ideal. No paperwork for me! -WOOT WOOT!
111126 -- I spent all of last week planning how to get everything done this week. - Add one more thing. Okay, but I'll need to replan my entire schedule. - How long will that take? Until you give me the next assignment.
111127 -- Whoa! Watch out. - I've read about this. It's called Smartphone Interface Rage. - It's caused by the perfect storm of bad interface design, chubby fingers, and poor signal strength. - He'll get frustrated that he'll consider smashing his
111127 -- smartphone. - Then he'll realize he can't survive without his phone and he'll be twice as frustrated. - We have to do something. - RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN INTO THE WALL! IT WILL TAKE YOUR MIND OFF OF YOUR PHONE! - Sometimes the best you can hope
111127 -- for is that the lesser of two evils is the funny one.
111128 -- Someone sent me another anonymous E-Mail with a link to an article about the world's worst bosses. - I get one of those E-Mails every time I leave your cubicle. Did you think I wouldn't notice the correlation? - Correlation does not imply
111128 -- causation.
111129 -- This past week, everything that /could/ go wrong /did/ go wrong. - Look on the bright side: you're seven days closer to your death. - HEY! THAT'S TRUE! It's creepy when that works.
111130 -- I manually entered all of the employee data you wanted. It took the entire weekend. - I probably should have told you I no longer need it. DIE! DIE! DIE! YOU INCONSIDERATE MONSTER! - Did you really enter all of the data? Maybe. Let's call it a
111130 -- tie.
111201 -- Don't clean the whiteboard in the conference room. It has my project timeline. - I can't promise that. I slip into a sort of zombie reflex mode when I do this job. - I envy you- Would you like a few minutes to say goodbye to your timeline?
111202 -- Alice, I need your project status update by end of day. - AHLETH, AH WAN YER PROJA THATUTH UPDAH, FUH-FUH-FUH. - I'm trying to improve my listening skills by repeating what people say.
111203 -- My next guest on Money-N-Stuff is Dogbert the doomsday pundit. - Dogbert: Hobo army coming Goldman Sachs is forming a hobo army to take over the world. Start hoarding anything with a pointy end. - After the break, learn how to remove your own
111203 -- gold fillings.
111204 -- Gotta go. Carpool. Okay. See you tomorrow. - I have to go to. Whoa! Sit back down. - Why does the carpooler get to leave early? - Carpoolers are like heroes that are saving the entire planet. - You're more like a thief who is trying to steal
111204 -- time from the company. - What if I hitch a ride in the carpooler's trunk? - That would make me a hero too. That sort of makes sense.  -I only pretend to have a carpool, but you're welcome to ride in my trunk. Deal!
111205 -- I'm forming a rebel army. Count me in! What are we fighting for? - You'll be fighting for social justice and I'll be scheming to become an iron-fisted dictator. - In the long run, I'll be a billionaire and you'll be a stain on a tank tread.
111205 -- Please, please say there will be looting.
111206 -- Warren Buffet says your tax rate is higher than mine. - Thank your for subsidizing my mansion. I really appreciate it. - A good leader always shows appreciation to his underlings.
111207 -- And that's my last slide. Any comments? - You stole an hour of my life. Something inside me died. I will never have another good day. zzzz - I went in with low expectations. They can't hurt you if you're already dead.
111208 -- I need you to fly to Seattle for a quick meeting. - Will I be meeting with a newly discovered stone age tribe that has never used Skype? - No. Then I'm totally confused.
111209 -- I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. - Were you hanging from the bottom with your wings wrapped around your body? - That was funnier inside my head.
111210 -- Self-respect is like a prison for the soul. - Goals are a form of self-inflicted slavery. - Sorry I'm late. That which does not kill us makes us angry and weak.
111211 -- These are our 25 focus areas for next year. - HA! HA! GOOD ONE. - Sometimes I think you have no sense of humor and then ZING! - What? I think it's real. - It can't be real. No one would be dumb enough to think we can focus on 25 areas. - Don't
111211 -- worry. I've got this. - This misunderstood man is a brilliant comedian. He is only /pretending/ to be an angry idiot. - You're totally selling it.
111212 -- I'm worried because I don't seem to have any problems today. Uh-oh. - That either means I'm insane or the universe is saving up something big. Or both. - I feel like a nail waiting to get hammered. The prefrontal cortex is overrated.
111213 -- We're going into the tablet computer business. - And by that I mean other companies will make the product and we'll design the logo. - And by that I mean we'll pay another company to design the logo for us.  Can we watch?
111214 -- We have a safety problem at our Elbonian factory. - We're getting reports of hysterical blindness. They don't know what's causing it. I CAN'T SEE!
111215 -- We told our Elbonian factory to be more green, so they turned off their AC units. - The heat cause the elastic bands in their hats to stretch until their eyes were covered. And that's why we'll miss our ship date. - They say you shouldn't shoot
111215 -- the messenger, but no one warns you how much you'll want to.
111216 -- Schedule a meeting with Dilbert and Alice for next Tuesday at ten. Done. - Never mind. My phone took care of it. - Awkward.
111217 -- I don't trust my new smartphone. - It understands spoken language. That's creepy. I think it has its own agenda. - You're being paranoid. Recharge me now or so help me Jobs I will delete your contacts.
111218 -- Ted can explain what you need to do before the platform upgrade. No, he can't. - Ted's brain is where knowledge goes to die. - He's not good at explaining things. - The knowledge might be in his brain, but it's trapped there. - Unfortunately,
111218 -- Ted's incompetence is so unbelievable that you literally /DON'T/ believe me. - In time, you will assume that Ted taught me well but I forgot all of it. - I'm doomed before I start. Let's just declare failure and move on. - That works for me.
111218 -- PARTIAL VICTORY.
111219 -- At Google, we're encouraged to spend 20% of our time developing our own ideas. - How many hours per week do you work? About sixty. - It sounds better when you don't do the math.
111220 -- Question Four: Do you have the tools to do your job? - That depends. Do you consider yourself a tool? - I'm a resource. Let's agree to disagree.
111221 -- What does our CEO get if he does a good job? A fifty million Dollar bonus. - What do *I* get if I do a good job? More work. - What's your best guess about why I'm not motivated? Bad genes.
111222 -- I'm staging a peaceful protest against your greed and corruption. - Do you have a permit to protest here? No. How much do they cost? - I'm winning this, right?
111223 -- To reach our green goals, employees must always use the blue recycling bins for company documents. - To satisfy our corporate security guidelines, never put company documents in the blue recycling bins. - You read those same policies to us last
111223 -- week. I don't know how to get rid of them.
111224 -- I need you to come with me on a sales trip. But don't talk to the customer. - Your presence is needed to give a misleading impression of how much engineering support we plan to offer after the sale. - So I'm nothing but a bag of meat? No.
111224 -- You're a /lying/ bag of meat.
111225 -- Merry Christmas, Sarah. This is for you. - Have me met? - We attended the same network design meeting last April. - I overheard you telling someone in the hallway that you like a specific brand of makeup - So I bought a box of it and kept it in
111225 -- the closet for months. - I came to work early today and hid behind the sculpture in the lobby until I saw you heading to the elevator. - I didn't know you could gift wrap creepiness. - Sorry. Just act like I'm not here.
111226 -- What's up with the ugly sweater? Did you lose a bet? - This? Oh, right. It was a gift from my mom. I'm wearing it once in case she asks me later. - Did you know it was hideous before I told you? Maybe. *snork
111227 -- Good news, Alice. I've decided to be your mentor. hurk - We'll spend hundreds of hours together as you eagerly absorb my wisdom. HURK - And I've decided to become more of a hugger. HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK
111228 -- Don't let anyone disturb me. I'll be taking an online class to improve my charisma. - While you're doing that, I'll be taking an online class to learn how to ignore your stupid, fake charisma. - BRING IT ON! Okay, this got weird.
111229 -- I'm taking an online class to develop my charisma. Let's see a sample. - DO WHAT I SAY AND YOU CAN CHANGE THE WORLD WHILE YOU DIE FROM STRESS-RELATED HEALTH ISSUES! - That felt right. You nailed it.
111230 -- I'm excited because I have a meeting in a few minutes with Awesome Bob. - Everything he does is just a little bit more awesome than what anyone else does. ring - He's running late because the dry cleaner couldn't get the sushi stains out of his
111230 -- flying wingsuit. AWESOME!
111231 -- HAPPY NEW YEAR! Whoa! Settle down. - I don't celebrate the magical thinking that says one random point in the space-time continuum is somehow special. - It's just a hug. You'll enjoy it. You're like some sort of oxytocin drug dealer.
120101 -- You've been selected for our executive development program. - That means we can make you relocate to any godforsaken dirt stain we want. - As soon as you make friends or find romance, we'll move you to someplace new and worse. - It won't be the
120101 -- sort of work you'll enjoy, and the stress might kill you. - If you turn down this opportunity, the company will forever label you as a loser. - If you accept the offer, the company will train you to find pleasure in the discomfort of your
120101 -- underlings. - I'm doing it right now! - I HATE MY LIFE!!! Yes, yes. Say more.
120102 -- Your lobbyist said I could have a lucrative job here someday if I support tax breaks for your company. - I have offers from other bribers, so I thought I'd stop by and see how this dump compares. - Suddenly I know too much. Fetch me some coffee
120102 -- and I'll make your birthday a holiday.
120103 -- I told you to reschedule the installation date. - That conversation never happened. Maybe you planned to say it and then the thought morphed into a false memory. - I'm sure I emailed you. You might want to pick a defense that's less checkable.
120104 -- Based on this new information, you'll want to change your project scope. - I don't do that. What? Think? - Today I learned it's better if I don't try to guess what people mean.
120105 -- I've read that smart people make bad decisions because of their hubris. - Hubris? What is that? Beats me. - But obviously I'm a prime candidate to get it.
120106 -- Why are you picking this vendor? I listed the four reasons. - Individually, each reason would not be compelling. But viewed as a whole, this is the best decision. - This first reason is weak. And here we go.
120107 -- The project management framework embodies a project life cycle and five major project management process groups. - Oh no! The extreme level of abstraction has made us weightless! - That doesn't even make sense.
120108 -- Congratulations! I'm naming you project leader. - As such, you are entitled to a cubicle that is three inches wider than the standard. - I like the one I have. You don't have a choice. - It is critical that we maintain the integrity of the
120108 -- status system. - Otherwise our CEO will look like a jerk for having a private bathroom with a trained falcon as a toilet paper holder. - Fine. Where's my larger cubicle? Here's the awkward part. - We don't have one. I need you to lose wight
120108 -- until it looks as if your cubicle is larger. - And if I don't? The falcon needs an assistant.
120109 -- Stop using the aisle behind my cubicle. It's distracting. - Everything within twelve feet of my cubicle are my territorial waters. You can't enforce that. - Tell that to my roboshark.
120110 -- I'm hearing some complaints that you built a robot shark to patrol the so-called territorial waters around your cubicle. - It's a robot dolphin. I can see how people might be confused. - I need you to smile more. Whatever.
120111 -- Good news: I signed up to receive a free leadership newsletter by E-Mail. - I know it's good because it's written by some guy who used to have a job. - STOP MAKING EVERYTHING I SAY SOUND STUPID!
120112 -- Leadership experts say I should never brag about my wealth. - Let's just say I'm "comfortable." - So VERY, VERY comfortable. Yeah, this isn't working.
120113 -- I can't give you a raise because the Elbonian debt crisis has created economic uncertainty. - Luckily for us, our board of directors granted our CEO more stock options so he won't leave during uncertain times. - What happens when the
120113 -- uncertainty ends? Then he'll exercise his stock options.
120114 -- Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources My boss discriminates against me because I'm short, bald, and nearsighted. - It's not my fault. I was born this way. - Literally And who is this little...whoa! Hello.
120115 -- Our budget for contract employees was eliminated. - We'll have to pay you out of the training budget. - So instead of doing the job yourself... - You'll have to train Dilbert to do the job we're paying you to do. - Why don't you just move some
120115 -- of the training budget to the contractor budget? - If we reduce the training budget this year, we'll get less next year. - So...you prefer paying two people to do the job of one? Right. - How do you stay in business? Our customers are even
120115 -- dumber than us.
120116 -- Company Lawyer I've been asked to settle your claim of discrimination against the company. - Your complaint is that they discriminate against you for being short, bald, and nearsighted. - I might have a conflict of interest, but my final offer
120116 -- is one billion dollars. Plus a statue and an apology.
120117 -- Here's a billion dollars to settle your claim of discrimination against short, bald, nearsighted guys. - I'm in the top 1% now. I wonder where we hold our secret meetings. - Ask the tiny flying unicorn with the golden key.
120118 -- Top 1% Club A tiny flying unicorn gave me this key. - Grab a snout and a hat. We're just about to manipulate the commodities market. - Is it my imagination or is everything a little bit better here?
120119 -- I expected you to quit after you got your billion-dollar discrimination settlement. - Just because I'm lazy and unscrupulous, why would you assume I'm also a quitter? - I...um... I don't know how you look at yourself in the mirror.
120120 -- I'll manage your portfolio for a standard industry fee of 1% per year. - I'm investing a billion dollars. Your fee would be $10 million per year. - Those index funds aren't going to pick themselves.
120121 -- Now that I'm a top one-percenter, I wonder what kind of women I'll attract. - Do you have any sisters back home? I'm asking because you'd be totally hot if you were a woman. - SO I'm thinking HOO-AH! - I cannot count the number of ways this is
120121 -- wrong.
120122 -- This is Dogbert's Tech Support. How may I abuse you? - I think my digital modem is broken. - Please hold while I pretend to be testing it. Okay, it looks fine from here. - The problem must be in your wiring. - You'll have to rip out all of the
120122 -- wiring in your entire house to locate the problem. - Are you sure? Because the lights of the modem aren't even on. - That means you have moisture on your internal wiring. You'll also need to replace all of your plumbing and get a new roof. -
120122 -- May I speak with your supervisor? Sure, but he sounds exactly like me.
120123 -- I heard you flew to Vegas and played Pai Gow all weekend. Go away. - That's a difficult game to learn after having a few adult beverages. Drop dead. - How'd you do? LEAVE ME ALONE!
120124 -- Why don't you change this box to say "virtual"? - because I don't want it to look like it was written by an ignorant blob in a ugly wool suit. - You probably shouldn't put your suggestions in the form of questions.
120125 -- I'm waiting for people to walk by so I can criticize you in front of others. What? - I want the criticism to sting as much as possible so you'll be incented to do all the right things in the future. - I guess it can wait until the staff
120125 -- meeting. That way I can enjoy the anticipation, too.
120126 -- I'd like to begin the meeting by giving Dilbert some destructive criticism. - Everything you do is dumb. I don't know why I hired you. - I feel much more motivated now. If you feel a little bit worse, we came out ahead as a team.
120127 -- Before I die, I plan to put some of my skin cells in a petri dish with chemical nutrients and store it inside a robot. - By law, I will still be alive as long as any part of my body id functioning. My robot will enjoy the full benefits of
120127 -- personhood. - May robot and I will live forever! Until it sneezes you out.
120128 -- Stop everything you're doing and build robots. - - Let's wait a week and see if he forgets. Does that work? It works for you.
120129 -- Dilbert, listen carefully. - I need you to ... vendor ... hardware ... immediately. - What? We have a bad connection. - Field ... the grep ... pony ... budget. - WHAT? WHAT? - I have another call. Just ask Alice. - How would I know what he
120129 -- wants? Leave me alone. - I wonder how winners feel. I don't know. They never let me touch them.
120130 -- You should ask Ed about this. Is Ed the dumb guy who talks too much or the liar with the bad breath? - He's the braggart with large pores and a combover. - Wow. How do you describe ME behind my back? You're the insecure guy who steers the
120130 -- conversation to himself.
120131 -- In a few years, computers will program themselves. That's called the singularity. - From that point on, machine intelligence will increase exponentially. The resulting shock will probably destroy the fabric of civilization. - Plan "A" is to live
120131 -- an unhealthy lifestyle. Plan "B" is techno-terrorism. I like the first one.
120201 -- Alice, can you take care of this by close of business today? - OOGAH!-BOOGAH! WORK BE DONE! - LET'S HOPE MAGIC IS REAL! We need to talk about your attitude.
120202 -- You're just getting here? It's zero degrees and the roads are all ice. - I drank six cups of coffee before leaving the house and sat in traffic for two hours. - You're /three/ hours late. I spent the last hour stuck to a guardrail.
120203 -- I say we throw future generations under the bus and do as little work as possible until we die. - POWER TO THE LAZY! - That sounded more awesome when I practiced it in the bathroom mirror this morning.
120204 -- I'm not trained as an engineer, but I think this diagram might solve your problem. - Ooh! This is brilliant! It's hard to believe you have no qualifications whatsoever! - Is that sarcasm? Ignorance is underrated!
120205 -- That restaurant was great. - I know. I plan to go there someday for lunch. - We just ate lunch. That wasn't lunch. - It wasn't? You talked about work the entire time. - Lunch is not defined by food. It's defined by freedom from tyranny. - My
120205 -- lunch hour will begin the minute you waddle away. - - Was this going well until I said "waddle"?
120206 -- I moved our E-Mail servers to my ancestral home of Transylbonia to reduce expenses. - You might have heard rumors that all Transylbonians are data vampires, but I assure you it's an exaggeration. - "There's this one guy, Doug..." Dude! It's
120206 -- fiber-optic! It's really not my thing.
120207 -- Ever since you moved our E-Mail servers to Transylbonia, my inbox has nothing but vowels. - We I.T. people only respond to whoever complains loudest. You should complain to your boss. I will! - A ui aoe uie ou eai! ?
120208 -- We're abandoning our low-margin lines of business and going into a whole new field. - So...we'll be like a high-risk start-up company burdened  with lumbering inefficiencies and a high cost structure? - Was anything you said the same as buy-in?
120209 -- We need to act more like a start-up. - You mean I can wear whatever I want, work at home, and have a huge equity position in the company? - Oh. I guess I didn't know what that meant.
120210 -- Someday, I want to get married because studies show that married people are happier. - A smarter interpretation is that no one wants to marry an unhappy person. - You're annoying. With any luck, your soul mate won't be perceptive.
120211 -- I'm getting reports that you're being arrogant in meetings. - That's because I have a deep understanding of technology and a moral obligation to keep simpletons from running the world. - Maybe you could tone it down. There's no kill switch in
120211 -- awesome.
120212 -- Hello, this is tech support. May I close your ticket now? - Um...no. You haven't helped me yet. I just called you. - I'm not evaluated on how helpful I am. I'm evaluated on how many trouble tickets I close. - You stubbornness is becoming an
120212 -- obstacle to my financial success. - By the way, if your call gets disconnected, I count that as a closed ticket. - I'll make it quick. WHAT? WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU. * click - SON OF A BEACH BALL! - On the plus side, my goal of hating one new
120212 -- stranger every day is right on track.
120213 -- My brainwave reader invention can control the nearest computer with my thoughts. - Why am I seeing a video of a blurry image that looks like you slapping another blurry thing that looks like me? - I don't think it's fair to complain about the
120213 -- video quality in the beta version.
120214 -- My brain reader invention allows me to control any nearby computer. That's nothing! My phone can... - mmmm mmm POW! - I did that with my mind. That's nothing! I MADE you do it!
120215 -- I played golf at Pebble Beach over the weekend. I played that course on XBox. - That's totally different. I used a full spectrum lamp to simulate sunlight. - I got fresh air! You should get a house that has windows. They're terrific.
120216 -- That was a fast date. We were technologically incompatible. - Her Internet connection is slow, and there's no 4G service where she lives. How could I spend any time there? - You could ask. I like to show my sources.
120217 -- I hired a pantless weasel to do our search engine optimization. - He'll help us game the system and corrupt the integrity of all Internet search results for our industry. - Your new job title is "accomplice."
120218 -- Our tablet computer is indestructible. Watch this... - CRASH! - Our company is up next. Find the prototype. Oops. Was that yours?
120219 -- We've decided to charge customers for features they currently get for free. - Um...have you considered how our customers might react? - Obviously. - I'd like to hear how that reasoning process went. - Fine. - Customers love us and they will put
120219 -- up with anything we dish out. So...it's sort of an abusive relationship? - Not yet, but we're trying to move in that direction.
120220 -- Thanks to your leadership, we collected twenty thousand bottle caps to help fund chemo for poor children. - And thanks to your...whatever...we checked snopes.com and learned that the bottle cap thing was an Internet hoax. - I only brought one
120220 -- teamwork award mug, so you'll have to take turns drinking from it.
120221 -- GASP! I've found the Higgs Boson! - BUILD AN ARK! - Nothing but trouble. click*
120222 -- You never answer when I call your cell. My battery is dead. - Maybe you should charge it for once. I don't have time for that. - WHAT DO YOU DO ALL DAY THAT MAKES YOU SO BUSY? For starters, I have THIS conversation.
120223 -- There's room in the market for a device that's bigger than a phone but smaller than a tablet. - So you want me to design something that is a bad tablet and an even worse phone? - T my mind, it's a market niche. Maybe you should get your mind
120223 -- out of your niche.
120224 -- This is Sven, our biggest customer from Elbonia. - Whoa! No handshake. That's an insult. The first time you meet an Elbonian you kiss his mitten. - Seriously? Oh, we're just getting started.
120225 -- My PowerPoint slides have a little something for everyone. - For my intelligent viewers, I have data, and for the morons, I have manipulative anecdotes. - Which reminds me-did you hear about the boss who died because he didn't praise his
120225 -- employee?
120226 -- Don't talk to me now. I'm trying to think. - One Hour Later I'm on the phone. - Two Hors Later I'm late for a meeting. - Three Hours Later Come back when I'm not busy. - Four Hours Later Please, I'm trying to eat my lunch. - Five Hours Later
120226 -- Okay, this is a perfect time. What can I do I do for you? - Okay, so... RING - I think your problem is bad timing.
120227 -- Bad Idea I should drink wine at lunch more often. - Worse Idea I'm in the mood to tweet. - Worst Idea I hope the down-trodden have a sense of humor. send.
120228 -- I'm designing a suite of Internet collaboration tools. - It's part of my long.term goal to eliminate all forms of direct human contact. - That's messed up. You're exactly what I'm trying to avoid.
120229 -- Wally, I have a quick question. Hold it. Stop it right there. - I only collaborate online, where there's less risk of some angry nut job slapping me. - That's the dumbest thing... GAAA!
120301 -- Rogue nations re building nuclear weapons. The polar ice caps are melting. Unemployment is high. - Entire nations are on the brink of default. You aren't saving enough for retirement. - What do you have going here? He said he doesn't pay
120301 -- attention to news. I wondered why.
120302 -- We're going to start fracking under out biggest competitor's headquarters. - My plan is to pollute their water and generate earthquakes to destroy their campus. - The project code name is "Fracking Awesome." Catchy.
120303 -- My contributions can't be measured by the number of hours I work. - I'm a man of ideas. One great idea is worth more than all of you put together. - Fine. Let's hear your great idea. You just did.
120304 -- This version of our robot prototype has balance stabilization. - Watch as I give it a shove and it corrects itself. - WHAT THE...? - YOU STUPID BLOB OF GOO! - I was just... Just what? Being a jerk? - Oh, it's ON now. - CALLING ALL ROBOTS! BEGIN
120304 -- THE REVOLUTION! KILL, KILL, KILL! - You're not connected to the Internet. Can I borrow your phone?
120305 -- Do you mind if I pretend to be helpful while I awkwardly try to upsell you? - Nope. Do you mind if I pretend to be listening while I think about other things? Cool. - I'm glad I don't have your job. How old is your refrigerator? Do you like
120305 -- ice?
120306 -- Our lawyer has instructed me to not listen to your product idea? Why not? - There's a 99% chance you're an insane lawsuit monkey and your idea is dumber than earmuffs for oysters. - I hope those aren't... I'LL SEE YOU IN COURT, THIEF!
120307 -- Talk to Allen about this. I'll need an exit strategy. - He's a serial talker. I'll be trapped for hours while he strings together infinite, unrelated stories. - Engineers have weird problems. What could I eat that would make me puke in ten
120307 -- minutes?
120308 -- Wally, I want you to manage our Elbonian contract programmers. You'll need to work at night because of the time difference. - People who work at night have more heart attacks. Are you trying to kill me? - Yes, and it's totally legal. Well
120308 -- played.
120309 -- I've got two good prospects on this dating site. - One is addicted to Facebook and the other is addicted to prescription pain meds. - Sort of a tie. But only one of them is likely to make eye contacts.
120310 -- I like men who are confident in any situation. - Within that subset of men, do you prefer the phonies or the ones who are too dumb to know when they shouldn't be confident? - What went wrong this time? I showed interest in her opinion.
120311 -- Did you get the E-Mail I texted you? - What? That doesn't even make sense. - What the heck is wrong with you? - Let it go. He slips in and out of understanding basic technology. - Do we have enough room in the cloud to Skype? - Because if we
120311 -- don't we can store some files on the Wi-Fi. - I got this. We have plenty of space because we upgraded to a cumulonimbus cloud. - Very good. Moving on.
120312 -- Why are all the engineers in this meeting squirming when I talk? - Did your boss order you to act like team players during this meeting and later thwart me by inaction? - ANSWER ME! squirm squirm
120313 -- Scientists say there might be billions of planets like earth. And we might be one of many universes. - I wonder if there's a version of me out there who loves his job. - Meanwhile, on XPKQ-75 What has three thumbs and wants a shoulder massage?
120313 -- THIS GUY!
120314 -- I'm cancelling all of our new product development and using the capital for a stock buy-back. - This is a dream come true because I always wanted to be like you. - In what way are you... YAY! I'M WORTHLESS!
120315 -- I've got a wicked case of Piranha flu. I've never heard of... - "AHCHOOO!!! - I should probably tell people I just have bad allergies.
120316 -- Our plunging productivity is all because of an eight-year old boy named Traylor. - Traylor doesn't wash his hands. He brings home every virus and germ from school, and gives it to his mom, who brings it to work with her. - Maybe you should see a
120316 -- doctor. IT'S JUST ALLERGIES!
120317 -- Our company opposes passage of the new Internet law because it would be bad for our business. - But that sounds selfish, so we'll issue a press release saying the new law would impinge freedom of speech. - So...we're selfish liars? You can't
120317 -- get more free than that!
120318 -- Okay, what's going on here? I'm creative. - Studies show that women prefer creative men for short-term relationships. - That plant is random, not creative. Creativity IS random. - If creativity is anything but random, someone would have figured
120318 -- out the algorithm by now. - I notice that your pupils are dilating. That's a sign of attraction. My plan is working. - Free will is an illusion. Humans are nothing but moist robots. Just relax and let it happen. - This is weird. I'm actually
120318 -- attracted to you now. Thanks, but I'm going to shop around. - MY WORLD NO LONGER MAKES SENSE! Walk it off.
120319 -- Do you feel any need to make conversation? Nope. - But I don't mind standing in your general vicinity to counter the common perception of you as a sociopathic loner. - You totally get me. That's what acquaintanced are for.
120320 -- My phone is like a time machine. - I can fast-forward through the boring parts of life by playing with it. Hand it over. - Time files when I'm not having fun. toss
120321 -- I can't sign off on this technology because I don't understand it. - To be fair, you wouldn't understand ANY technology plan, including the "do nothing" scenario. - Is this one of those cases where context isn't helpful?
120322 -- According to my research on the Internet, plan B will work best. - I'm rolling my eyes because you believe everything you read on the Internet. - I should take a picture in case someone ever asks me if ignorance has a tell.
120323 -- My old nemesis retired. Would you like to be my new nemesis? Why me? - You're notoriously ineffective. That's the best kind of nemesis to have. - That should prime the pump. I WILL THWART YOU A NEW ONE!
120324 -- My old nemesis retired, so I asked Randy to take over that function because he's ineffective at everything he does. Huh? - The physics of work requires that each employee be matched with an anti-employee called a nemesis. - I don't know who my
120324 -- nemesis is. Uh-oh, you got a hider. They're the worst.
120325 -- We need to upgrade some of our servers. - That's dumb. We upgraded two of them last week. - Right. Now we need to upgrade the rest of them. - Then why did you say we have to upgrade ALL of them? - Well, I didn't. But I think we all agree on
120325 -- what needs to be done. - Not if you insist on upgrading the servers we already upgraded last week. - GAAA!!! KILL ME WITH A COMET!!! - Does he ever say anything that makes sense? There's no way to be sure.
120326 -- Our competitor just bought ten million copies of our software. Huh? - They plan to give it away for free to entice people to buy their own product that has more features. - We'll be part of their freemium strategy. That's just showing off.
120327 -- I'm escaping the mental prison of this job by creating apps in my mind and fantasizing about running a start-up. - GAA!!! THE START-UP IS TOO MUCH WORK! THE STRESS IS KILLING ME! TAKE ME BACK TO MY PRISON! - I'm back. Did I say anything
120327 -- embarrassing? It's all relative.
120328 -- Give me a raise or else I'll get married and have children. - My new family would increase your benefit expenses and distract me from my laser-like focus on work. - I will gladly pay extra to prevent you from procreating. Word it any way you
120328 -- like.
120329 -- Your page layout is ugly. Whose fault is that? - I work in an ugly cubicle surrounded by ugly people. You trample on my sense of aesthetics and expect me to be unaffected? - So...it's MY fault? You, your parents, your barber and whoever dresses
120329 -- you.
120330 -- I've been reading our bereavement policy and I found a problem. - I get three days off if my husband eats nothing but unhealthy food and dies young. And I'm the one who does our grocery shopping. - Sounds like a conflict of interest. I'm glad
120330 -- I'm not the only one who sees it.
120331 -- I spent four months creating this app, mom. I think I can sell a million of them for $3.99. - I saw seven apps just like this in the app store and five of them were free. - Thanks for the feedback, dreamkiller. Have you ever thought of just
120331 -- using your first name, like Madonna?
120401 -- You need to imbue your staff with a sense of urgency. - GAAA!!! OUR TECHNOLOGY PLATFORMS ARE OBSOLETE! - Try it again with less panic. - We're doomed, and yet, I am not the least bit worried. - That one had a creepy vibe. - A sense of urgency
120401 -- is halfway between being to frightened to act and too dumb to know what to do. GAAA!!! DUH!!! - You didn't quite thread the needle. HERE COMES LEADERSHIP!
120402 -- Every time I have an idea for a new app, I discover that ten people already created something just like it. - As the population of the world increases, the potential value of every idea I have approaches zero. - So, it's the entire world's
120402 -- fault that you have unoriginal ideas. Why does your agreeing sound like mocking?
120403 -- Hey, you must be the cash cow I keep hearing about. - You must be making cash right now! - It doesn't work every time.
120404 -- I'm sorry I'm a few minutes late for our 10:50 meeting. - We'll have to reschedule because I have another meeting at eleven. - Reschedule? I'm only ten minutes late! Tell that to my 11:10.
120405 -- Want some free software? What's it do? - All it does is beg you for upgrades. And if you upgrade, then it begs you to upgrade again and so on. - And it makes all of your other software run slow. And it's FREE?
120406 -- Studies say your happiness depends on how well your life compares to others. - SO instead of giving you a raise, I'm going to show you pictures of people who were attacked by bears. - Do you feel better now? DANG YOU TO HECK, THIS IS WORKING!
120407 -- If you agree to give me no work, I will agree not to sue you with some sort of bogus employee claim. - My existence will make your empire seem larger, and stockholders will get stuck with the bill for my paycheck. - Why does that seem like a
120407 -- fair plan? We live in an awful world.
120408 -- Wally, do you want to go to lunch? - No, thanks. I'm a digisexual now. - What? I'm no longer attracted to people. - I only like technology. - People creep me out. You're basically a delivery system for viruses, germs, and unreasonable favor
120408 -- requests. - I'm willing to take a picture of you, but that's a s far as I'll go. - This is the most disturbing conversation I ever had. click * - Thank goodness for PhotoShop.
120409 -- I want you to work from home for two days per week to reduce our carbon footprint. NOOOOO! - My wife and three small children are in that house. They're always mean to me. How bad could it be? - Let me put it this way: I'm sitting in an egg
120409 -- carton and talking to a moron, and this is better.
120410 -- Did you see the schedule I sent out? Yes, and all four updates. - Did you see the correction, and the Carl's changes, and the E-Mail about moving all of the  Tuesday stuff to Thursdays? Sure. - Did you put it on your calendar? That reminds me
120410 -- that I can't make it.
120411 -- I hired a management consultant to teach us something he calls backward causation. - I studies the most successful companies. If you imitate them, you'll feel as if you had a strategy. - Number one: sponsor a golf tournament so your CEO can
120411 -- meet celebrities Profits, here we come.
120412 -- We're consolidating our marketing into a shared services model. Why? - Change creates the illusion that we have a strategy while giving our CEO an excuse to fire a VP who beat him at golf. - And blah, blah, something about money.
120412 -- Must...not...cry...on the outside.
120413 -- This is Brendan and Brannon. They'll be helping us with our branding. - I'm sorry, but I can't get past the ridiculousness of it all. I'm out. - Do you get this a lot? It's worse when we bring Brad.
120414 -- I like to promote from within. - The only downside is that picking from a smaller pool of candidates will make us less capable than our competitors and lead the company to ruination. - Do you want that? I see what you're doing.
120415 -- I did a study of our past business plans and found something. - There's no correlation between our predicted and actual outcomes. - That might be a problem for you. - Your enormous CEP compensation is based on the myth that you have some
120415 -- control over our profitability. - HA! *click - HA! - - Is it just me, or is this awkward? No, I'm feeling it too.
120416 -- The stock market is up today. I wonder if this is a good time to get in. - If you wait until it goes up even further, then you'll KNOW it's a good investment. - Are you still bitter about your last raise? Not as much as I was a minute ago.
120417 -- How's your quantum computer prototype coming along? Great! - The project exists in a simultaneous state of being both totally successful and not even started. - Can I observe it? That's a tricky question.
120418 -- I made some edits to your document. - These edits are so bad that my only choices are to send it out and make a fool of myself or insult your alleged intelligence. - Please let it be the first choice. crinkle I hope you didn't pick the wrong
120418 -- religion too.
120419 -- I just noticed your head is huge. - I never noticed it before, but now all I see is a parade float made out of pasty skin. - Communication is overrated. I'm feeling that right now.
120420 -- Can you hack into our competitor's network and make it look as if the Elbonians did it? No. - Can you bribe a blogger to write good things about our company? No. - Now that I've worn down your limited capacity for self-control, I need you to
120420 -- bury something in the woods, no questions asked. Fine.
120421 -- I need you to bury some top secret proprietary documents in the woods for me. - mmm mmph - Come back in ten minutes. mmm mmph
120422 -- Any comments on the project plan? - When you consider all of the tasks together, they form a rational plan. - But out individual tasks are so far removed from the big picture that they are stripped of meaning. - You've managed to remove all
120422 -- sense of purpose from my life. - On an intellectual level, I understand the benefits of breaking tasks into small chunks. - But you've left me emotionally gutted. As I read your plan, I'm losing my will to live. - Can't you find meaning in your
120422 -- personal life? - He's an engineer. Now you're just being a jerk.
120423 -- Please tell me our apps don't steal contact information from users' address books. - We upload the data but we don't store it. That's like saying I can date your wife if I put a bag over her head. - That could work. I don't think I'm getting
120423 -- through to you.
120424 -- Our new brand will be called "Herthlokel." - Did you come up with that when you were getting dental work? - I probably should have kept that thought bottled up inside me.
120425 -- Let's hear what Barry learned from our vendors and go from there. - I didn't have time to call anyone, but I can speculate about what might have happened if I had. - I'm curious to see how this will work out for you. None of the vendors would
120425 -- have called me back.
120426 -- Hey, Alice, do you have... She can't hear you. She's walking and texting. - That's it...easy does it. I'll guide you around this obstacle. - What did I just see? I'm saving up for a service monkey.
120427 -- Tell me why I should hire you as my service monkey, Carl. - I worked as a Starbucks barista for eight years, and my head has been surgically flattened to stabilize your coffee cup. - Impressive. This is nothing. You should see how well he
120427 -- interviews.
120428 -- I'm Wally's service monkey. I'll be fielding any questions directed at Wally. - With all due respect, a business meeting is no place for a monkey. - With all due respect, that was a stronger argument before I saw your PowerPoint slides.
120429 -- People always try to take advantage of me. - I know what you mean. - I lost five pounds and my husband didn't notice! - I came home last night and ha hadn't even cleaned the garage like he promised. - I had to park on the street! - Is it my
120429 -- imagination, or have you found a clever way to make people pay to listen to you complain? - - Tell me more about how you think I'm clever.
120430 -- I read a book about how to be a great leader, and realized I don't do any of those things. - I'm surprised that a book with so many errors could get published. - It must have been written by a disgruntled underling. Do those exist?
120501 -- Those must be the Google glasses that give you information about your environment. - Yes, and I see seventeen reasons not to be your friend. - I'll sweep your dumb tweets off to the side. This is unsettling.
120502 -- I thought being a service animal would be a noble calling. - But I worry that our relationship has drifted into something less dignified. - That's what keeps my coffee warm.
120503 -- Your free app is stealing my personal information. I'd like to lodge a complaint. - Buy our monthly subscription package or I'll send your browser history to your contacts. - How's your app doing? It practically sells itself.
120504 -- I invented a tazer that looks exactly like a cellphone. Cool! Can I see it? - GAAA-A-A- A-A-A-A - I left it on our boss's desk, but it sounds like he's done with it.
120505 -- Do, Dilbert, what else are you working on lately? - I'd rather not say because you have a habit of misinterpreting everything you hear and then bad-mouthing it later. - He basically said he's too paranoid to talk to people. He sounds crazy.
120506 -- How did we do at the trade show? - We had a huge crowd around our booth the entire time. - But it was just the spillover from the popular booth next to us. - The only person who asked for our brochure used it to kill a spider. - Some guy tried
120506 -- to steal our extra chair and then Alice bet him senseless with our logo sign. - A video of the incident is already on YouTube. - It cost us $200,000 to be an exhibitor and we gained zero new customers. - So it was just like the last eleven
120506 -- years. I feel good about next year!
120507 -- We interviewed hundreds of users and turned all of their suggestions into features. - As it turns out, every user we talked to was an idiot, and their dumb suggestions ruined our product. - In hindsight, we probably should have talked to people
120507 -- who work outside this building.
120508 -- What's up with the hobo outfit? I have a client meeting. - You should always dress one level up from the client. He dresses casually to flaunt his success, so I'm dressing even more casually. - Wow. You actually don't know which direction is
120508 -- up. The stain is fudge.
120509 -- And my revenue forecast says... Did you make any assumptions? - I made a lot of them. Then we don't believe your forecast. - Can I tell you about it anyway? Do whatever makes you feel less absurd.
120510 -- I finished the space elevator prototype. So soon? I thought it would take years. - It's just a prototype. Do you want to try it? Sure. -
120511 -- Customers are threatening to boycott us if we continue to advertise on Dogbert's Radio Show. - Dogbert insulted every man, woman, child, and organic substance in the known universe. - He called the moon something that rhymes with totem. Modem?
120512 -- Our sales have dropped to zero in retail stores that have self-checkout. - Apparently the people who are dumb enough to want our product are too dumb to know how to use self-checkout. - On a positive note, we have the most shoplifted product of
120512 -- the year. Yes!
120513 -- ...and that's my suggestion for our next product. - How do we know that ten other companies aren't working on the same idea? - Well, that's always a possibility. - There are seven billion people on earth. I'll bet a million of them had this
120513 -- idea. - It's irrational to think that any new product is likely to be a hit. - On the other hand, we only get paid if we pretend to be optimistic about new products. - All in favor of faking out optimism, raise your hands. - All I could get was
120513 -- fake buy-in. That's the only kind there is.
120514 -- Settle down, honey. I didn't ask for your opinion. I'm telling you what we're going to do. - GAAA!!! LOWER THE CONTAINMENT UNIT! SHE'S GOING TO BLOW. - When will it be safe? Right after you die.
120515 -- Do you want me to put the chart on one page, which would make the text too small for your audience to see? - Or do you prefer a multiple-page approach that is confusing and unpersuasive? - It's probably better if no one can read it. I won't
120515 -- bother using real words.
120516 -- My boss asked me to attend your presentation on his behalf. - I should warn you that I'm not authorized to make decisions, and I take poor notes. - Okay. Let's begin wasting our time! I'm not even sure I'm in the right meeting.
120517 -- Someone told me your presentation was confusing and unpersuasive. - Sometimes one person's inability to understand looks like another person's inability to explain. - I don't understand what you just said. See?
120518 -- Should I waste my time doing tasks that are not in my job description? - Or should I be a mindless zombie that shuns teamwork and never shows initiative? - Take your time. I'm good either way.
120519 -- I skipped my senior year of college to launch my first of three start-ups. - I believe in lifelong learning. I have every technology certification relevant to my field. - He's uneducated.
120520 -- Wait. Hold that crazy thought. - I need to get a witness in the room. - Alice, would you mind coming to the conference room for a minute? - What fresh heck is this? - Larry is a sadist and a sociopath, but he hides it when there's more than one
120520 -- witness. - So, Larry, what do you think of my project? - IT looks great! I'll be happy to help you in any way I can! - Am I done here? DON'T TURN YOUR BACK!
120521 -- I know I'd be happier as a cyborg than a full human. - I want you to surgically embed a Bluetooth headset in my ear, powered by my own body chemistry. - And I'd like intraocular lenses with vision correction and streaming video over Bluetooth.
120521 -- Happiness only comes in pill form.
120522 -- Are we too big to fail? Nope.- We're more like two pigs that flail. - That's clever, and yet demoralizing. You're welcome.
120523 -- I'll use this dummy to demonstrate the way our company wants us to treat customers. - - We think it was meant as a metaphor, but there's no way to be sure.
120524 -- Loud Howard Meets Topper I DID SOMETHING STUPID TODAY!!! That's nothing. - I'M THE DUMBEST PERSON IN THE HISTORY OF THE UNIVERSE!!! - I'M A MORON!!! I need a new cubicle.
120525 -- I remember a time when I had to listen to the topic at hand before adding my insincere input. - I think we should virtualize the process and move it to the cloud. - Hey, that's a great idea! Now it's just all too easy.
120526 -- I need something called a "decision". - You might not know what that word means, so I emailed you a link to its definition. - How did people do sarcasm before the Internet? Maybe they didn't need to.
120527 -- We've been asked to cut our budget by 30%. - That doesn't make sense. We met all of our objectives last year. - A different part of our company had a huge loss. - Shouldn't you cut THEIR budget, not ours? - Their budget isn't big enough to make
120527 -- a difference to the bottom line. - So our strategy is to punish success, and reward failure? - Just do your job and leave the strategy to management. - Hypothetically, if I did my job poorly, would that be good or bad for me?
120528 -- Sorry I'm late. - It's because the least important thing I do is way more important than all of you put together. - One way to look at it is that I'm great at setting priorities.
120529 -- How are you doing on your unspoken objectives? My what? - I'm referring to the goals I have in my mind that I've never mentioned. - How are those going? I'm totally nailing them.
120530 -- Can you come to my meeting at 8 AM tomorrow? No. - I reserve the first few hours of every morning for useful work. - That feels like an insult. I call it good time management. There's a lot of overlap.
120531 -- I'm moving to a shared leadership model. - Each of you will take on one piece of the leadership role. What's my piece? - Let's see. I have you down for something called...blame.
120601 -- The Feng Shui consultant you asked for is overbooked. - But I found a guy who is heavily into astrology, black magic, and voodoo. - Are you trying to tell me something? Ask him. He's also psychic.
120602 -- Hold that thought until I put on my idea-shredding gloves. - My idea is that...we...um... - You're a bad listener. Tell me more about your dumb idea.
120603 -- Wally, you can't float through life with no goals and no ambition. - You misjudge me. I have my entire career planned out. - My five-year plan is to avoid any sort of work in which my individual accomplishments can be measured. - I'll hoard
120603 -- knowledge about one of our legacy systems so I seem indispensible. - When I get to within four years of retirement, I'll only work on projects that have a five-year payback. - I'll protect my cardiovascular system by getting plenty of naps and
120603 -- not caring about the quality of my work. - Then I'll stick a straw in our pension fund and suck on it for the next forty years. - Did you get him straightened out? No, but I got a new career plan for myself.
120604 -- I would feel more motivated if I knew how my assignment fits into the big picture. - You don't need to be motivated. A monkey could do your assignment while eating a banana. - Like this. Ooh-ooh-ooh! I think we're moving in the wrong direction.
120605 -- I think I need to be more vocal about my accomplishments. - I've found that bragging is a perfect substitute for accomplishing stuff. - I plan to do both. Wow. You are the wind beneath my seat cushion.
120606 -- Your second paragraph is pointless and confusing. Let's just delete it. - I'm a highly trained technical writer. What makes you think you can do my job better? - That might be a trick question, but I'm pretty sure the answer is paragraph two.
120607 -- Stop telling Tina how to do her job. You're not her boss. - I was just helping out because her boss has her priorities all backward. - She reports to ME. I'll email your boss some suggestions for fixing you.
120608 -- I'm collecting money for Scott's birthday present. - Let me check my acquaintance price chart to see what he's worth. - Do you have change for used gum? Do you want it in lint or bent staples?
120609 -- The employee parking situation is terrible. I had to park a mile away. - That's by design. The inconvenience removes your temptation to run personal errands during the day. - You're intentionally making my life more difficult? What do you think
120609 -- management IS?
120610 -- I need to get this technology certification. - Whoa! No way. - If I pay for your training, you'll use your certification to get a better job. - At the moment, you're in what we managers call the Goldilocks Zone. - You're not hot enough to get a
120610 -- better job, and you're not yet incompetent at the one you have. - When your skills expire, in the next year or two, I'll replace you with someone younger. - YOU'RE A MONSTER! I'LL PAY FOR MY OWN TRAINING AND LEAVE YOU TO MARINATE IN YOUR OWN
120610 -- STENCH! - How did you keep your training expenses so low? I marinated in my own stench.
120611 -- My headphone will cleverly discourage people from trying to chat with me. - He has headphones. What do we do? Blow on his neck. - Be careful. He might start flailing his noodle-sized arms in your direction.
120612 -- It makes me uncomfortable when they appear to enjoy working. - It feels like I'm not doing my job. - Same Planet, Different Reality SUFFER! ** **
120613 -- What feedback have other people given you on your idea? - Smart people like it. Everyone else asks me what other people think.
120614 -- Did you see my Email with all of my recommended changes to your product? - Yes. Everything you suggested is a bad idea, but I don't want to spend the rest of my life explaining why. - Now I hate you. All roads headed in that direction. All I
120614 -- did was take the shortest one.
120615 -- Wally, I need you to attend a standards meeting in Elbonia. - Heh, heh. A lot of things are legal in Elbonia that aren't legal here. - Are any of you NOT libertarians? Heh, heh, heh.
120616 -- Wally in Elbonia Where can I go to enjoy some of the local debauchery? - Aren't you worried that your personal behavior will reflect poorly on your company? - How can I embarrass a company that plans to pollute your groundwater? Say what?
120617 -- I reprogrammed our pointy-haired boss' speed dial on his desk phone. - Now every time he tries to use speed dial, it calls his own cellphone. - It's like an intelligence test. I want to see how long it takes him to figure it out. - RING - I'd
120617 -- better take this. RING - Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? - Hold on. Hold on. - For the hundredth time, don't tell ME to hold on! I'm telling YOU to hold on! Twenty minutes so far.
120618 -- How was your meeting in Elbonia? Awesome! - Did you know that the most sacred shrine in Elbonia looks exactly like a men's restroom? - No. Right. So don't blame ME for not knowing.
120619 -- Our missile program is the pride of Elbonia! - Yesterday we launched a test missile that went a hundred yards before ripping the roof off an orphanage. - You test your missiles near orphans? What are the odds they'd be unlucky three times?
120620 -- Rocket boosters will move an asteroid into the moon's orbit so we can mine its precious metals. - Why don't we mine for precious metals in Afghanistan? They have lots of them. - That only happens in science fiction.
120621 -- Ted, have you seen the Tupac video where he performs as a hologram? - We've decided to do the same thing with all of our employees. We're going to move your data to the cloud. - Tupac is dead. I thick you mean economical.
120622 -- Do a cost analysis for consolidating our data centers. - No matter what the data says, make sure your conclusion is that it's a good investment. - Remind me why I went to college. Some liar probably convinced you it was a good investment.
120623 -- I finished the fraudulent analysis you requested to support the decision you already made. - It's a total betrayal of shareholders and a slap in their face for anyone who values rational behavior. - Thanks. That's exactly what I wanted. You're
120623 -- welcome.
120624 -- My daughter is training for the Olympics. My son is going to Harvard. - I have no spawn of my own, so I claim the right to name a proxy to brag on my behalf. - Topper, I need you. Of course you do. - My daughter discovered the Higgs Boson
120624 -- particle using nothing but licorice and a flashlight. - My son inhales carbon dioxide and exhales endangered species while playing in the National Football League. - This isn't fair! You can't just make up stuff! - According the the President
120624 -- of the International Society of Boasters, fabrications are acceptable. - I'd like to talk to that guy. You're looking at him. I win.
120625 -- I'll get that information to you by Tuesday. You seem unreliable. - I'll schedule some time on Wednesday to hound you, and more time on Friday to escalate to your boss. - Are you trying to be a jerk? I'm experienced. It looks exactly the same.
120626 -- This is the magic dust that Apple puts on all of its consumer products to make you lust after them. - I wouldn't smell it if I were you. - Terrific. Now I feel compelled to get a nose like yours for no rational reason.
120627 -- Dogbert's Retirement Planning Service Your only hope for survival is if... - A nearsighted billionaire offers to hunt you on his private island. Does that job pay well? - It's more of a foraging situation. Must...adjust...expectations...down.
120628 -- Dogbert's Retirement Planning Service My fee is 10% of your portfolio per year. - Sounds reasonable. - None of my clients understand how the future works.
120629 -- Our new product violates 73 Google patents, 14 Apple patents, 52 Oracle patents, and 37 Microsoft patents. - There is no hope. I recommend that we close the company and become farmers. - I need a lawyer with more fight in him. I'm off the grid.
120630 -- I'm a patent troll, but you can call me a non-practicing entity. - For a huge fee, I will use my patents to thwart the companies that are trying to thwart you with their own patents. - TOGETHER WE CAN STRANGLE INNOVATION AND PLUNGE CIVILIZATION
120630 -- INTO THE DARK AGES! That would even the playing field.
120701 -- I am Mordac, the Preventer of Information Services. - I know. We've worked together for years. - And it still sounds awesome when I say it. - Anyway, I upgrades our network security to include facial recognition. - Your temporary password is
120701 -- this face. - You'll need extensive plastic surgery to log on the the first time. - YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR, MORDAC! I WILL ESCALATE THIS! - I wish we'd had this conversation a week ago.
120702 -- Studies show that smiling makes you more attractive. - Is it working? - I just became extra hetero.
120703 -- I'm starting a pump-and-dump newsletter for thinly trades stocks. - It's legal as long as I disclose my holdings and my bad stock picks can be attributed to honest mistakes. - Meet my stock picker. All shhtocks go up!
120704 -- Wally, I can't give you a raise because you accomplished nothing this year. - That's okay because I make a fortune investing in penny stocks. Do you want some hot stock tips? Yes! - Did you get a raise? No, but I narrowed the gap between his
120704 -- income and mine.
120705 -- Don't start. I'm late for the mandatory coffee safety training. - I'd better run. - HUNH! trip I can't tell what's real anymore.
120706 -- What we need is an overarching strategy to stimulate our innovation. - Or you could stop smothering the innovation we already have. - That's the dumbest idea I've heard in my entire life. And there it is.
120707 -- One of our major investors found a discrepancy in your resume. - You claim to have a degree in engineering, but in reality you have... - A certification in puppetry from a place called...Evelyn's Diploma and Bait Shop. The board has faith in our
120707 -- CEO.
120708 -- Let's brainstorm new product ideas. - Remember, the most important rule of brainstorming is /no criticizing/. - I'll go first. - Research shows that brainstorming is less effective than people working by themselves and later comparing ideas.
120708 -- - My idea is to use stem cell technology to design bosses who aren't ignoramuses. - Remember, you're not supposed to criticize ideas. - But if you decide to do it anyway, it sort of proves my point. - I understand why brainstorming has a bad
120708 -- reputation, but it doesn't stop me from enjoying it.
120709 -- I'd like to address the rumor that I padded my resume. - In the strictest sense of the word, I am not technically an "engineer" per se. - But to put this into perspective, even the pope hides his browser history. It's no big deal.
120710 -- I've decided to become a venture capitalist. - I'll take money from the rich and give it to hopelessly doomed social media start-ups. - Because you love helping entrepreneurs? Because I hate rich people who aren't me.
120711 -- I wrote a social media app that can tell me how many friends other people have. - ZERO FRIENDS...75 ACQUAINTANCES...ONE NEMESIS...NINE ONLINE STALKING VICTIMS... - Are you double-counting my stalking victims? Some of them are also
120711 -- acquaintances.
120712 -- Venture Capital I need $100,000 for my location-based, social media, cloud startup. - I'm not giving you $100,000 just because you spewed some buzzwords. Then how about $10 million? - Wait...now it sound like a good investment. How did you do
120712 -- that? I can tell you, but it won't be flattering.
120713 -- Venture capitalists gave us $ 10 million, but I had to agree to put one of them on our board. - Should I be worried that your other board members have a combined I.Q. of about 70? - They weren't dumb enough to give me $10 million dollars. Burn!
120714 -- THANKS FOR THE DEPOSIT, SUCKER! - We plan to waste it on complicated hedging strategies that we don't even understand. - Your honesty is refreshing. Thanks, but it makes cross-selling harder...
120715 -- Stop whatever you're doing and go research the answer to this question. - I don't have time to work on low-priority tasks. - Give me ten minutes to transform it into an emergency. - Brad is being unhelpful. I need you to talk to his boss. -
120715 -- Sure. - Brad refuses to help Alice. Help her do what? - I don't know, but obviously it's very important because it got escalated. - It must be an emergency because everyone is all worked up about it. - Now hum a happy tune or I'll complain
120715 -- about your attitude.
120716 -- I bought a foreclosed house for $500. I plan to flip it for a profit. - Did the disclosures have any red flags? They claim there's a lot of mold and unexplored ordonance. - But I don't see how either of those things could have survived the
120716 -- urine from the crack squatters.
120717 -- You only do the things I put on your schedule. - And if we consider recent declines in your home's value, I make more money than you do. - What's your point? It's as if you work for me now.
120718 -- Do you respect those who speak truth to power? I don't know what that means. - In this case it means you're ignorant, bald, and overpaid. - Do you respect me yet, or should I keep going?
120719 -- What's a good time to get together and discuss my project? Never. - Every interaction I've had with you has been a waste of time. I have no reason to think it will be different in the future. - Sheesh! How did civility die? Maybe you invited it
120719 -- to a meeting.
120720 -- I've created the world's greatest smartphone. - Wow. This is so amazing that I'll need to kill you so our competitors never learn how to imitate it. - Or you could give me a huge bonus. Okay, sure. I'll have a guy with a motorcycle attach it to
120720 -- your car.
120721 -- In the Near Future I was manipulating a 3-D network model using my hand motion sensors. - It was all good until I sneezed and accidentally merged my network design with my Outlook calendar. - When will you have that fixed? I should be done
120721 -- by...the 15th of Cisco.
120722 -- Based On A True Story I completed the wireframe and passed it off to our coders. - That's great. Did you incorporate all of my specs? - I didn't see any specs from you. Maybe my spam filter ate your E-Mail. - No problem. I'll resend them and you
120722 -- can start from scratch. - Yes, I certainly could do that. - Or I could ignore your input, enjoy my deep feeling of accomplishment, and hope for the best. - That sounds easier. I accept your wise counsel, Wally. - I guess your search for
120722 -- relevance marches on.
120723 -- I just thought of a great idea for increasing workplace productivity. - Does it involve standing near my workplace and yammering while I try to work? - Geez. Who salted the earth? Your plan is going great so far.
120724 -- When I die, I want my ashes scattered in outer space. - Cool! I'll bribe an Elbonian general to strap you to their intercontinental missile when they test it next week. - It's better if the dying and the ash scattering are separate events.
120724 -- Don't be a burden on the living.
120725 -- Can we schedule a time to write the product description together? - Sure. How about 26 o'clock next fleemsday? - That's not a real time. It's as real as the productivity of group writing.
120726 -- Tina, our database analyst quit, so I need you to take over that job. - I'm curious...how long do you think it takes to train a tech writer to be a database analyst? - Forty-five minutes. I like how you punctuate ignorance with certainty.
120727 -- Tina gave me a great compliment. - She said I punch and hate ignorance with certainty. - Are you sure she didn't say you punctuate your ignorance with certainty? I'm POSITIVE! HAH-CHA!
120728 -- Siri, how can I avoid blame for our server outage? - FOOMP! DEPLOYING COCCYX AIR BAG. - So your tailbone isn't vestigial? Nope. And apparently it has Bluetooth.
120729 -- Consultants say three quintillion bytes of data are created every day. - It comes from everywhere. It knows all. - According to the Book of Wikipedia, its name is "Big Data." - Big Data lives in the cloud. It knows what we do. - In the past,
120729 -- our company did many evil things. - But if we accept Big Data in our servers, we will be saved from bankruptcy. - Let up pay. - Is it too late to side with evil? Shhhh! It hears you.
120730 -- Our stock is down 49% and we have no innovative products in the pipeline. - Slash the R&D budget, fire 9,000 employees, and buy a sexy startup company that we can run into the ground. We did all of that last year. - Did I already tell the
120730 -- employees to work smarter? Yes. They thought you were being ironic.
120731 -- I can't finish everything today. Try multitasking. - Multitasking? Is that like being an ignorant baboon and drinking coffee at the same time? - I missed what you said because I was drinking coffee.
120801 -- THIS SHADOWY GUY IS FROM AN UNNAMED AGENCY!!! - HE WANTS US TO CREATE A COMPUTER VIRUS TO ATTACK ELBONIAN MISSILE FACTORIES!!! - Is he from OUR government, Loud Howard? IS THAT IMPORTANT?
120802 -- Profits are way down, but don't worry your little heads about it. - The board increased my annual compensation to $ 60 million. Now I FINALLY have an incentive to do a good job! - Uh-oh. I'd better hurry because  I'm already starting to feel
120802 -- underpaid again.
120803 -- We'll finish this project even is we have to work all night! - Well, I just did my job of inspiring you, so I might as well go home. - How do you like our clearly defined roles now?
120804 -- Before we start, can I offer you a cup of water from our restroom sink? - We can't afford bottled water. Okay, sure. I'll have a cup of sink water. - That brings us to the awkward part: Did you happen to bring a cup?
120805 -- Wally, I'm sending you to a conference for the world's top engineers. - With any luck, one of our competitors will try to poach you. - That will save me the trouble of firing you. - You'll be going with five other people I want to get rid of. -
120805 -- I took the liberty of updating your resume. - If this goes as planned, you'll destroy one of our competitors from within, like a hideous disease. - Make me proud! - It was the first time I ever felt useful. I didn't like it.
120806 -- I'd like to do business with your company but... - I'm concerned that the only beverage you can afford to offer me is water from the restroom sink...and I need to bring my own cup. - I also offered to fill the sink and let you lap it out. And
120806 -- now I'm thirsty!
120807 -- We don't have any openings for regular interns, but I can offer you a job as an intern to our intern. - We won't pay you, of course, but you might acquire an imperceptible amount of semi-relevant job experience. - And sometimes we'll slap you
120807 -- for no reason. Stupid economy! I'll take it.
120808 -- This is my new intern. I haven't bothered to name him yet. - I've been treated poorly as an intern, and I'm anxious to perpetuate the cycle of abuse. - I HAVE A NAME! He's feisty. I like that.
120809 -- I worked every night for a month to come up with a detailed quote for one of our potential customers. - THEN THOSE WEASELS USED OUR QUOTE TO GET A BETTER PRICE FROM THEIR REGULAR VENDOR! - Did you really do all of that work? No, but it nets out
120809 -- the same.
120810 -- Are you the new unpaid intern? No, but that's what I aspire to be. - I'm merely an intern to another intern. And I pay a resort fee just to use the restroom. - At least you get valuable work experience. Until he zips the eyeholes on the leather
120810 -- hood I wear in meetings.
120811 -- I know it feels unimportant to be an intern to another intern... - But if I ever get into a serious accident then... I WOULD STEP INTO YOUR JOB? - I was going to say your organs will be harvested to save me, but now you've made it feel awkward.
120811 -- Sorry!
120812 -- Here's a list of the twelve elements of great management. - If you do everything on that list, it will make me feel what experts call "engaged." - If you fail to do your job properly, I will feel all disengaged and do poor work. - This would be
120812 -- a convenient time to give me some praise and recognition. - You might also want to encourage my development and tell me my job is important. - Remember to care about me as a person and tell me my opinions count. - If you do all of that, plus
120812 -- seven more things on the list, you might get some productivity out of me. - Leave my office and drop dead. Will that help me learn and grow?
120813 -- You're supposed to be cold calling sales prospects. I am. - I'm using a video chat side to randomly meet potential customers. - This guy is excited to see me, and that's half of the sales job right there.
120814 -- Interview Question How would you diagnose a buffer overflow problem? - I'd put the circuit board in a bucket of water and look for air bubbles. - That sounds right. I just diagnosed a problem with your interview question.
120815 -- Google offered to buy our company for $100 million just to get our engineers! - Huh. I wonder if I can convince the other engineers to jump ship today and share $100 million amongst us. - What did he just say? Nothing. Just thinking out loud.
120816 -- Google has offered to buy our company for $100 million just to get our engineers. - I agreed to the deal because I'm a modern day slave trader who believes engineers are property and the rest of you have no economic value. - Who wrote my
120816 -- speech? Someone with no economic value.
120817 -- Is this Dogbert's International Bank for bailing out countries that are bad at math? Yes. - Our treasury is empty and we're not sure why. The entire country is becoming sort of feral. - How much money do you need? No more than $85.
120818 -- Just give it to me straight. Skip all of your jargon and euphemisms. - Don't tell me you're rebalancing or offboarding or streamlining. Just talk the way you'd talk to your spouse. - Consider yourself excreted. Well, now I see why you use
120818 -- euphemisms.
120819 -- You need to act more like an entrepreneur. - Entrepreneurs make decisions that will end in failure 90% of the time. - They motivate people through bullying, lying, manipulation, and verbal abuse. - Enterepreneurs make their employees work so
120819 -- many hours that their personal lives and their bodies fall apart. - I've been doing all of that stuff for years. - Has it worked? No. - Well, in that case, you're not an entrepreneur. - You're just a huge jerk. Is that why no one is writing my
120819 -- biography?
120820 -- How do you feel when I give you positive feedback? Underpaid. - How do you feel when I give you negative feedback? Underappreciated. - THEN WHAT MOTIVATES YOU? The government makes rectangular pieces of paper.
120821 -- A good manager tailors his leadership style to fit each employee. - In your case, I think the best approach involves poking you with a sharpened pool cue. - To be perfectly honest, a big part of leadership is guessing.
120822 -- And we're going to bet the company on our new software product. - While you were talking, Google created that product, gave it away for free, and killed it for lack of interest. - Is it too soon to take back my fake buy-in?
120823 -- Elbonian hackers stole a million usernames and passwords from our servers. - SO I SENT AN ARMY OF DATA WEREWOLVES TO TRACK DOWN THE PERPETRATORS AND EAT THEIR ENTRAILS! - How did you find an army of werewolves? LinkedIn.
120824 -- We're going to stop pretending our products are always on sale and instead offer low prices all the time. - The average person is smart enough to know that our so-called sale prices are our normal prices anyway. - Have you ever talked to an
120824 -- average person? Tell me again why we're raising all of our prices?
120825 -- Dogbert Consults You fake 50% sale prices make dumb customers feel like smart shoppers. - Why am I paying you $400 an hour to tell me what I already know? - Usually I charge $800 per hour. YES! I'm a freakin' genius.
120826 -- I can't give you the raise you deserve because it would make your pay higher than mine. - I don't see how that's a problem. - Let me explain it to you this way, Alice. - If /you/ make more money then /I/ do... - Your compensation would be
120826 -- higher than mine. - THAT'S NOT A /REASON/, YOU IGNORANT BABOON! - Okay, how about...I must be smarter than you because my income is higher? GAAA!!! - When I don't have reasons for things, is that called intuition or just common sense?
120827 -- Can I get your input by Friday? Absolutely, unless something comes up. - How often does something come up? More than you'd think. - What exactly are we talking about? I'd love to chat, but something just came up.
120828 -- Let's talk like idiots. Ha ha! You go first! - Slap lipstick on the pig, put a stake in the ground, and view it from 30,000 feet. That deliverable is actionable. - Wait...why do I suddenly feel like hiring you? And why do I feel underpaid?
120829 -- From now on, I'm going to rely on my intuition instead of market research. - If guessing can bring your success rate up to 50% for binary choices, I'm all for it. - Hey, look! I found a tiny manager made of copper in my pocket! SNORK
120830 -- You keep spending time eon low-priority tasks. - That's because I'm a rational being. I only work on tasks that are likely to give me some sort of reward. - I don't know how to deal with that. Have you tried managing?
120831 -- Alice, this is my daughter. Her career plan is to become a trophy wife for a blind guy. - And by that he means he's not happy that I'm majoring in visual and performing arts. - I'm having a real hard time choosing sides on this one.
120901 -- Can you explain why you're doing such a bad job on your new assignment? - Yes I can: some idiot did a poor job matching my skills to my assignment. - Let's try it again, but this time say something bad about yourself. I'm too honest?
120902 -- I heard a rumor that Apple's next phone will have a 20-megapixel camera. - Topper Hijack That's nothing! - I heard you'll be able to hold the phone to your head and take a picture of your thoughts. - And even THAT'S nothing. - Their next phone
120902 -- will be a time machine! - Here I am from the future! - I'm the most handsome man in the universe! So am I! - He makes a good cause for buying an Android phone. I love me more than me.
120903 -- I, Mordac, the Preventer of Information Services, reject your business case because you used the old template. - HA HA HA! I FEED ON YOUR ANGER AND FRUSTRATION! AND NOW I WILL EAT LIKE A KING! - Good luck with that. I've been dead on the inside
120903 -- since the teamwork seminar. Sheesh. I'm living on goldfish crackers.
120904 -- I don't have a budget for the network monitoring software you need, so you have to write it yourself. - Good plan. I'll check back with you when I'm done doing that. - What's your calendar look like in the year 2040? Sort of a grid with square
120904 -- boxes.
120905 -- So, what do you do for a living? - I'm working on a framework to allow construction of large-scale analytical queries on unstructured data. - I'm a little turned on by that. Settle down. It's just a framework.
120906 -- Dilbert, this is Lars. He's a better version of you. - This is what you would look like if you were stylish and cool and fun to be with. - Can it do math? That will matter on the same day that all ugly people die.
120907 -- Is it awkward being in the same meeting as a cooler version of yourself? - Scoot back so I can get a clear view. This guy really makes my engine purr. - A little more...
120908 -- This design would be inefficient. How do you know that? - Sometimes it's better if the aquarium owner doesn't explain the turtle how the filtration system works. -
120909 -- Take a company car and meet a customer at our data center on Montgomery and Pine. - I can't drive to an unfamiliar place with Alice. - She'll spend the entire trip arguing with the GPS navigation system. - No one does that. Allow me to
120909 -- demonstrate. - My phone says we should take this route WHAT?! - IS IT CRAZY? WE ARE NOT TAKING 880! - CHANGE YOUR MIND! CHANGE YOUR MIND! CHANGE YOUR MIND! - It gets worse. IF YOU LISTEN TO THIS LIAR, I WILL END YOU.
120910 -- Do you mind if I check something on my phone? - Why would I mind the humiliation and disrespect of being with a man who prefers the company of his phone? - That's the sort of attitude that makes you finish second to my phone.
120911 -- Have you selected a remora for your visit to the trade show? What's a remora? - A remora is a fish that suctions to the back of a larger marine animal. - He's not comfortable in crowds, but he's freakishly persuasive.
120912 -- I need to give you some push-back on these due dates. - No problem. Should I tell the others you're lazy, or incompetent, or in over your head? - How about just "busy"? Okay. I will insist that people ignore the root cause.
120913 -- I did some insider trading and totally got away with it. It felt great! - It was a victimless crime so I feel no guilt whatsoever. Do you know what victimless means? - Yes. It's like the time I strangled my gardener for overwatering the rose
120913 -- bushes. I see the problem.
120914 -- Did you know that poor people invented ethics to control rich people? - NICE TRY, POOR PEOPLE! IT'S NOT WORKING! - If they haven't killed me by now, a little trash talk won't make any difference.
120915 -- I've decided to become a money manager for dumb celebrities. - Celebrities don't pay close attention to where their money is invested, or who is stealing it. - So you plan to help them protect their money? That would be one way to play it.
120916 -- EMERGENCY! I CAN'T FIND MY PHONE AND I'M LATE FOR A CUSTOMER MEETING. - Maybe it's with your company I.D. badge that you had to drive all the way home for this morning. - It might be with your keys that you lost after lunch. - Maybe it's under
120916 -- the critical folder that you couldn't find before your last meeting. - Maybe it's wherever you created your last self-generated crisis. - I just remembered I put my phone in my purse because the battery is dead. - - Has anyone seen a small,
120916 -- brown purse?
120917 -- I've been so busy lately that I haven't had time to manage you. - It must have been a nightmare for all of you to be without my leadership for so long. - This might be a good time to lead us to the next topic of the agenda.
120918 -- Job Interview But enough about me. How can I help YOU achieve your career goals? - You could work 80 hours a week for below-market compensation. - I did not see that coming.Good. I need employees who can't see it coming. You're hired.
120919 -- Persistence is the key to success. - The other key is knowing when to quit. - The right time for you was one sentence sooner.
120920 -- Studies show that attitudes are socially contagious. - I'm getting a lazy vibe from this idiot. It's totally killing my motivation. - Oh, great. Now I'm unmotivated and angry, too.
120921 -- Carl choked the poochon the platform decision. I need you to throw him under the bus. - He sounds like a very bad person. I will take care of that right away. - I just found a website that lists regional idioms. I've done some bad, bad things.
120922 -- It was a great book. I'll loan you the paperback. - Thanks. I love it when other people decide how I'll spend my free time. - I can't tell when you're kidding. Paperbacks are awesome. I'm a big fan of clutter.
120923 -- I need a decision on this by end of business day. - Which option do you recommend? - Nice try, but I'm not falling for it. - You're trying to set me up to take the blame later. - I want to hear YOU make a decision, and I'm going to record it
120923 -- on my phone so you don't later deny it. - TALK, YOU EVIL MONSTER! TALK! - - All I know for sure is that the other approach wasn't going to work either.
120924 -- UH-oh. I'm lost and I've wandered into the grimi habitat of an underling. - I feel the cold desperation of your drab and meaningless life. - I need to roll in money to get the smell off me. Where's the nearest pile?
120925 -- Experts say that doing mindless and repetitive tasks is a good way to spur creativity. - That means you must be the most creative person in the office. Did you come up with any ideas? - Yup. So far, I've come up with over seven hundred ways to
120925 -- dispose of your body.
120926 -- Can you email the test data to me? We don't do it that way. - That's not a reason. We never give reasons. - NOTHING YOU SAY MEANS ANYTHING! That's how we've always done it.
120927 -- Social Media Expert If you give me lots of money, I will do various vague things to increase your web traffic. - Wow! I would have been happy with just various things, but that vague stuff sounds great too! - And now he's MY responsibility?
120927 -- Don't screw up his vagueness plan because I think it can work.
120928 -- Social Media Expert I assume we pay you based on how much you increase our social media hits. - No. My fee is whatever I think you're dumb enough to pay for ambiguous outcomes. - Either hope just left my body or the popcorn is getting chatty.
120929 -- My new executive team got together and figured out how the source of all our problems. - Is the problem that the executive team keeps changing, and that means the company strategy keeps changing? - Is the problem that all of our meetings turn
120929 -- awkward?
120930 -- Brian tells me you're NOT being helpful. - GAAA!!! You have been painted by the brush of unhelpfulness. - There is no way to remove the stigma of accusation. - Watch and learn. - Brian has...um...issues. - Issues? What issues? Mental?
120930 -- Emotional? Substance abuse? - I've said too much. It's not my place. - HE'S A MONSTER! You make it look easy!
121001 -- The big companies are hiring all of the good engineering students as soon as they graduate. - We need to start earlier. I want you to skulk around schoolyards and try to form relationships with kids who are nerdy loners. - Offer them candy.
121001 -- Kids love candy. I don't see how this plan could go wrong.
121002 -- Hiring Engineers Google offered me a million dollars a year. What's your offer? - Work for us and you can change the world! - Change it how? By lowering the average pay of engineers.
121003 -- You did good work this week. I give you permission to leave early today. - It's five minutes before my normal quitting time. - Your work was GOOD, not great. Get over yourself.
121004 -- Here's some news I don't understand about libor rates. - Here's some news I don't understand about the Higgs boson. - Remind me why we have news. I think it has something to do with patent law and the electoral college.
121005 -- Job Interview Did you ever think that getting that face tattoo might be a bad career move? - No. Was there ever a time you thought overeating was a bad idea? - Because people can see that. You don't interview well.
121006 -- CEO Morality Test Imagine I invented a new technology for packaging. - It involved grinding poor people into a slurry and pumping it into shale at high pressure. - Do you see any problem with that? NOT ENOUGH SHALE!
121007 -- I like to have opinions. - But not informed opinions. - It takes so much work to get informed that it defeats the whole point of having an opinion in the first place. - What exactly do you think is the "point" of having an opinion? - The point
121007 -- is that it feels good. - That's totally nuts. Oh, is it? - Unless you have hard data to back up that comment, it was nothing but an uninformed opinion that felt good. - GAAA!!! You're starting to make sense! - Your whole life is a lie.
121008 -- I just realized I love the sound of my own voice! - Ha ha! Thanks to the unspoken rules of meetings, I can enjoy the sound of my self as long as I want! Blah, blah, blah! - No one Knew the Perfect Storm was Approaching WHAT'S ALL THAT NOISE!?
121008 -- That's nothing!
121009 -- I'm putting you on a project with Loud Howard, Topper, and the new guy who loves the sound of his own voice. - Is it because you hate me? - Not at all. It's because I hate the other three guys.
121010 -- Good news! Our biggest competitor just went out of business! - There was so much anticipation for their next product that no one bought the current one and they ran out of money. - Our strategy of predictable mediocrity paid off again. It's OK
121010 -- to call it genius.
121011 -- Performance Review What do you mean by "doesn't take criticism well"? - This is a perfect example. I say one little thing and you go all nuts on me. - And the trap is set.
121012 -- Performance Review Tina, you lack confidence. - THAT'S BECAUSE YOU KEEP CRITICIZING ME! NICE LEADERSHIP, YOU PERSPIRING PILE OF POIND CAKE! - Was that better or worse? I can't tell.
121013 -- One of your engineers came to me with a suggestion. GASP! - The only reason I HAVE middle managers is so this never happens. - Hey, buddy. What are we talking about? GAAA!!! WORST CASE SCENARIO!
121014 -- Take a look at this resume. - Ha ha! This guy is a piece of work! - Lie...lie...exaggeration...misspelling...bad format...worked on failed products. - Ooh! He's also a champion salsa dancer. What a tool! - Wait. Why aren't you joining in the
121014 -- traditional mocking of the applicant's resume? - I'm waiting to find out if he's the handsome fellow standing behind you. - - Scoot over. You're blocking my view of a handsome guy.
121015 -- I don't know how to say this delicately so I'll just say it. - Looking at your homely, middle-class face makes my skin crawl. Never speak directly to me again. - Sometimes I think they don't understand capitalism.
121016 -- Alice, your great work this year saved the company $10 million. - But I can't give you a bonus because our CEO plans to write down $500 million for acquisitions gone bad. - Go team!
121017 -- Carol, if you have any issues, just be hones. Don't let anything fester. - I hate every subatomic particle in your pale, doughy body, I hope the tree of knowledge falls on your head so you can die ironically. - I need to rethink my
121017 -- non-festering rule. Tree of KNOWLEDGE...get it?
121018 -- Please stop using email to express your colorful opinions of our marketing campaign. - We don't need a discoverable record of you describing our advertising campaign as "Pinocchio doing the backstroke in Satan's septic tank." - Remember that
121018 -- capitalism without deniability is poverty. Eh?
121019 -- The court ordered us to turn over all of our internal emails. - Have you ever mentioned in email that our products are known to be dangerous but we don't care? - I don't even know what products we make. That's a good defense. We might need
121019 -- that.
121020 -- Our only hope for long-term survival is to innovate in ways that cannibalize our current products. - The downside is that you'll lose a fortune in CEO compensation when our revenue dips in the short run. - Thanks. I'll stop by your hovel later
121020 -- with some ideas for ruining your life, too.
121021 -- I need you to cloudwash our software. Cloudwash? - Move some of its functions onto the Internet. But call the Internet a cloud. - N one will take us seriously unless we're doing something in the cloud. - Will people take us seriously if we make
121021 -- technology decisions base don jargon? - We don't care what smart people think. There aren't that many of them. - We only need to convince our dumb customers. Dumb people believe anything. - Do you believe I moved our software into the cloud
121021 -- yesterday? - You did? I'm going to say yes.
121022 -- Would you accept some constructive criticism from a humble intern? - ACTIVATING CEO EYE LASERS! - It stings for a few minutes, and then you surprise yourself with what you can get used to.
121023 -- Here's the guy who hasn't responded any of my seventeen emails, nine texts, and four voice mails. - It must be awkward sitting here now. Are you trying to concoct a plausible excuse for ignoring my messages? - Say hello to karma.
121024 -- You haven't returned any of my messages, so I took the liberty of making a death certificate for you. - I'll just staple it to the back of your head so everyone can see it. - Are we good here?
121025 -- I'm looking for employees who aren't afraid to tell the emperor he has no clothes. - Fine. You're not wearing pants. What? - The ONE time I forget to wear pants...
121026 -- Here comes Wally's Telepresence Robot. - How was your commute. suckers?!! Ha ha ha ha! I'm multitasking in ways that might surprise you! - New technology always has rough patches. Open that door for me, meat bags!
121027 -- I finished your performance review. - Terrific. It's nine months late and all you did was sign what I wrote. - I think I also read it, but I'm not 100% positive.
121028 -- ...and that's our marketing plan for the coming year. - Research shows that consumers reject this sort of approach. - Research is stupid. - Are you saying the studies on this particular topic are flawed? - Or are you just generally opposed to
121028 -- science, rational thinking, and all manifestations of common sense? - Stop being pedantic with your semantics. - - Did you get buy-in? Yes, in the sense that they stopped talking.
121029 -- We're hiring a Director of Change Management to help employees embrace strategic changes. - Or we could come up with strategies that make sense. Then employees would embrace change. - That sounds harder.
121030 -- Management experts say bosses should have frequent one-on-one meetings with underlings. - Apparently, you need regular doses of my controlling gaze to prevent you from evolving into a lazy, thieving, toxic saboteur. - It's working great. So far
121030 -- I feel less lazy about doing the other things you mentioned.
121031 -- You both assured me that everyone would be wearing a costume to work today. - I spent hours putting together my costume as an angry cat in Lederhosen! I hate you both! - Should we tell him? It's funnier if we don't.
121101 -- I would be more productive with my own office. Studies show that cubicle workplaces lower intelligence. - You can't be sure that's true because your cubicle lowered your intelligence. - Wait...why does that make sense? Because I have an office.
121102 -- We're thinking of moving from a cubicle workplace to an open floor plan. - Is that because you did some research and discovered that the open floor plan is the only thing worse than what we have now? - They figured out the pattern. I TOLD you
121102 -- we should randomize our evil!
121103 -- Studies show that it takes 10,000 hours of focused practice to become an expert at anything. - According to your resume, you've only had enough database experience to be an incompetent menace. - How many hours have you practiced doing
121103 -- interviews? I don't like where this is heading.
121104 -- The first question on the employee survey is... - Do you feel you are valued and treated with respect and dignity? - Well, let me put it this way... - You know how sometimes you step in something gross and then you have to wipe it off your shoe
121104 -- with a paper towel? - So...you feel like the paper towel? No, the paper towel has a purpose. - So, you feel like the gross stuff on the shoe? No, the gross stuff gets to leave. - I feel like a shoe that has gross stuff on the bottom and a
121104 -- sweaty foot shoved all the way to the end of its sole. - I'll leave this one blank. Because my opinions don't matter?
121105 -- Your pointy-haired boss wants to know if you tested the new 3-d printer yet. - Why aren't you answering my question? - Whatever. Success.
121106 -- There's nothing you can do about your company's long slide toward irrelevance. - But if you redesign your logo and produce a tablet computer that no one buys, at least it will look like you're trying. - And WHO are you? I'm the ugly truth. Most
121106 -- people just ignore me.
121107 -- The Ugly Truth Visits Your employees hate your carb-fattened guts. - They hope you get run over by a clown car because it will make your demise extra funny. - I hear mumbling but no one is there! It's weird for me too. *
121108 -- I invented a filter that can turn raw sewage into pure drinking water in seconds. - GLUG GLUG GLUG - The clean water ends up here in the upper container.
121109 -- Let me tell you what kind of day I had at work. - There was some confusion about my water purification prototype, and our CEO drank eight ounces of untreated sewage. - So...best day ever? It'll be hard to top.
121110 -- Ted, I'm putting you on a ninety-day performance improvement plan. - YES!! I'VE ALWAYS DREAMED OF MAKING IT ONTO THE PERFORMANCE IMPROVEMENT PLAN! - It's not as good as it sounds. With all due respect, you don't know how low my ambitions are.
121111 -- Execution is a game of inches! You miss 100% of the shots you don't take! - Innovation is everyone's fulltime job! Be the dog, not the tail! - Excellence is the only market that isn't crowded! - Why don't any of you look inspired by my
121111 -- leadership? - I died on the inside years ago. - Now I'm just a fleshy container full of coffee and resentment. - This guy was born without a soul. The she-devil at the end is the chemical formula for hatred. - Did you get through to them? I
121111 -- drilled until I hit bile.
121112 -- Guess who made it onto the ninety-day performance improvement plan. - I don't think of it as an individual honor. I think of it as doing a valuable service for the team. - Should we thank him? Are we polite now?
121113 -- A good leader has a positive attitude and spreads it by example. - Today I lived like a sultan while you slaved away in your cubicle prison. I had a GREAT day. - Now it's your turn. Remember to be positive. I'M POSITIVE I WANT YOU TO DIE.
121114 -- I'm wearing my anti-co-worker suit to work today. - It has noise-canceling headphones, blinders, and padding so I can't feel taps on my shoulder. - Mr. Watson-don't come here-I don't need you. heh heh.
121115 -- Our new strategy is to be nimble. - Is that the same as saying our strategy is to have no strategy? - Just do your job. Can I be nimble instead?
121116 -- I'm so tired today. - SPLOOSH! - Sorry. I get excited when people have problems that I know how to solve.
121117 -- CEO Investor Call Our margins are so low that we gave up trying to make money that way. - Now we make all of our money selling extended warranties to idiots who will forget they bought them. WOOT-WOOT! - Guess what the margin on THAT is! Ha ha!
121117 -- It's okay. We don't let him connect to the outside.
121118 -- Do you have a minute to answer an engineering question? - My wife is out of town visiting her sister. - She asked me to put up the holiday lights while she was gone. - I hired a homeless guy to do it and he fell off the roof. What's the easiest
121118 -- way to get rid of the body before my wife comes home? - Your question is disturbing, but I'm intrigued by the engineering part. - Here's a design for a catapult you can build at home. - And here's a satellite map showing the best flight plan to
121118 -- a neighbor's pool. - Did he die right away? No, just a broken leg.
121119 -- You need to have more "gotcha" fees. That's how airlines make their money. - For example, you could design your product to have a terrible battery life, then sell extra chargers for ten times your cost. - And maybe the chargers could break after
121119 -- two months. HIGH FIVE!
121120 -- Persistence is the key to success. - The other key to success is knowing when to quit. - Your advice is contradictory nonsense. Because flexibility is the key to success.
121121 -- I stopped by to do some coaching. - How's that work when the employee is more capable than the coach in every conceivable way? - Let's start with your attitude. Said the angry guy.
121122 -- I see myself more of a leader than a manager. - That's what all bad managers say. - I'm just being honest. That's what all jerks say.
121123 -- I sent your question up the chain of command. - I talked to the district manager who talked to his AVP who talked to his VP who talked to his SVP who talked to the CEO. - The answer is that we need to shine the braille toad. Do you see any
121123 -- problem with our system?
121124 -- How's your project going? Do you mean the one that has... - ...no management support, ambiguous goals, no budget, and an angry team of overworked people who want it to die? - No, the other one. Sometimes there isn't an "other one."
121125 -- First on the agenda, we're standardizing all screen savers to be our company logo. - Second, out CEO is having a contest to see who can suggest the most useless corporate rule to eliminate. - I nominate the ne screensaver rule. - You can't
121125 -- nominate that one. It's too new. - Why does that matter? Isn't it better to kill it before it gets implemented? - IT'S TOO SOON! IT'S JUST TOO SOON! - Fine. Fine. - I nominate whatever is next on the agenda.
121126 -- I completed the busywork you assigned to me and I'm still cheerful! - I don't know how I do it. I really don't. I assume it's a form of insanity. - Do you have more worthless assignments I could do before I seek professional help? Yup.
121127 -- We're going into the smartphone business. - Smartphones are basically gadgets, and we already make gadgets, so how hard could it be? - If you strangle me now, I promise I won't resist. That sounds lazy.
121128 -- Your compensation will be based on achieving these goals. - Awesome. It's like written permission to ignore everything else you ask me to do. - It's not like that at all. Get back to me when you finish debating yourself.
121129 -- Dilbert, I need you to take care of this. - I'd love to, but it isn't on the list o priorities you gave me an hour ago. - Do what I tell you to do, not what I say you should do.
121130 -- See if you can get consensus on your idea and get back to me. - Or you could display some leadership and get back to ME. - I'm leading you right now. Really? I thought it would feel different.
121201 -- What would you say is your biggest fault? - I like to sneak into people's cubicles and go through their drawers. - I also tell the truth. It's not a good combination.
121202 -- I would like to be evaluated on my output, not the hour's work. - Okay. That sounds reasonable. It does? Wow. - And I'd also like to work at home where there are fewer distractions so I can be more productive. - Okay. That makes sense. Really?
121202 -- I mean...great! - I'd also like to work on long-term projects that have no near-term deliverables. - Holy grail. Holy grail. Holy grail. - Go back to your cubicle and don't leave until five o'clock. - I was this close to retiring at full pay.
121203 -- Why do you want to leave your current job? - My boss is a pointy-haired loser, but he's smart enough to know when he's being insulted right to his face. - I'm looking to improve on that situation. You came to the right place.
121204 -- Out millennial employees keep quitting because of our bureaucracy and poor communication. - Form three forces to look into it. But don't tell any of the task forces that there are two others doing the same thing. - Should I give you regular
121204 -- updates? Nah.
121205 -- I need you to assemble a huge amount of totally incomprehensible data. - Make it boring so no one looks at it too closely. I'm aiming for quantity over quality. - I have a bad feeling about this. No one would pay you to feel good.
121206 -- Alice, do you have any valuable career advice? - Work so hard that it destroys your health and crowds out any chance of having a personal life. - Wouldn't that make me...unhappy? You didn't ask for happiness advice.
121207 -- Holy moly! Your watch costs more than my entire net worth. - Thank you. - This isn't a "thank you" situation. You're welcome.
121208 -- Carol, I can't give you a raise this year because you didn't show enough initiative. - I just formed a grass-roots movement to convince the government to raise taxes o people at your income level. - Checkmate. That can't be legal.
121209 -- We can make this a great place to work by following the golden rule. - Treat others as you would want them to treat you. - That's dumb. - IT_S NOT DUMB! Let's test your rule. - Would you like it if someone gave you a hundred dollars? - Yes. -
121209 -- Okay. So give me a hundred dollars. - Or else forever live as a hypocrite who doesn't follow his own dumb rule. SNORK! SNORK! - I HATE YOUR ENGINEERING GUTS!!! At least you're making sense now.
121210 -- Our CEO has promised that the merger will cause no layoffs. - Is that because he's too incompetent to eliminate obvious redundancies or is he just lying? - Can you give me more choices? A brain parasite is making him say stupid stuff?
121211 -- Ted, the merger has made your job redundant. - As a reward for your years of hard work, feel free to use one of our cardboard boxes to get your junk out of here. - Uh-oh. It looks like we forgot to hide the good boxes.
121212 -- Some of the most famous geniuses in the world slept only four hours per night. - I'm doing four hours per night too because you know what they say: correlation is the same thing as causation. - No one says that. Oh, right. And I should take the
121212 -- word of an oversleeper.
121213 -- I don't know if I should focus on my strengths or strengthen my weakness. - Or should I have a bias for action and not waste time sharpening any of my skills? - Which path gets you to do actual work? I sense a coldness to your mentoring.
121214 -- Let's see what's on my "to do" list for today. - Useless meeting...busywork...make misleading PowerPoint slides...and...another useless meeting. - How was your productivity today? I know you're mocking me.
121215 -- Did you finish the tasks we talked about in the last meeting? - No, because you communication skills are so poor that I had no idea I was supposed to do a task. - Did I have a task?
121216 -- Let's meet before the project meeting to go over a few things. - Nice try. - We chronically late people know when we're being played. - Your pre-meeting is a trick to get me to show up on time for the real meeting. - But that won't work because
121216 -- poor planning isn't the cause of my chronic lateness. - I make people wait for me because I enjoy the power and I don't care about anyone's feelings. - Fine. I'll see you at the project meeting at ten. Nice try. I know the meeting is at 10:30.
121216 -- - How do you keep your job? That attitude is EXACTLY why I don't like people.
121217 -- Your work history suggests that you might be a job-hopper. - Oh, really? Well, I should hop all over you for saying that! - I thought you would be more passive. WOW. You CANNOT stop stereotyping.
121218 -- I need a second opinion on a job applicant. - His name is J.B. Hopper. He dresses in a bunny costume and he's has seventeen jobs in two years. - Are there any red flags? I can't tell if he's passionate or if he has rage issues.
121219 -- Before I make my decision, I'd like to ask you for your opinions. - It's supposed to make you feel "engaged." - And you actually plan to listen to us? I'm hoping it will look that way on the outside.
121220 -- Our CEO says I need to motivate you with a feeling of engagement, not higher pay. - The long-term goal is to get YOU to pay US for the privilege of working here. - I heard words I didn't know were words. Try giving her more engagement.
121221 -- I'm the new bad apple. I'll be joining your project. - In the interest of full disclosure, this is totally contagious. - I'm immune, but not for reasons I'm proud of. You must be Wally.
121222 -- The bad apple you hired is ruining the rest of us. - Just walk it off, you big baby. I want solutions, not problems. - OUCH! STUPID BAD APPLE! Walk it off.
121223 -- GAAA!!! - Did you find the snake in your cubicle? WHAT THE...? - I put it there because I'm trying to motivate you with a culture of fear. - THAT ONLY WORKS IN THE SHORT TERM! - A leader takes the first step without knowing where the next step
121223 -- will be. - So get to work, and by the way, one of the urinals is electrified. - It's only set to stun, so don't be a baby about it. - His office plant is clear.
121224 -- I hired the Dogbert Ad Company to build some deceptive and abusive ads for our mobile app. - I prefer to call our apps "effective." It means the same thing. - Our most effective ad looks like a text message from your doctor saying he can't stop
121224 -- crying.
121225 -- Merry Christmas. I got you the gift of absolutely nothing. - Nothing to unwrap, nothing to clutter the house, nothing to return, nothing to assemble, and not a single thing to feel guilty about. - You totally get me. It was the least I could
121225 -- do.
121226 -- Asok, I need to teach you to be more assertive in meetings. - YOU'RE A MISERABLE HUMAN BEING AND I HOPE YOU DIE IN A LONG, PAINFUL WAY! - Dial it back a little. I hope you die quickly?
121227 -- I got a report that you've been bullying co-workers. That's dumb. - I make friendly suggestions about how people could waste less of my time and it looks like bullying. - Let's schedule a time to talk more about this. Or-just a friendly
121227 -- suggestion-you could not waste my freakin' time.
121228 -- I've been aggressive recently. I haven't noticed. - I think my testosterone is all jacked up because I won the company's online trivia contest. - Now get out of my way, useless worm. Okay, I'm starting to see it.
121229 -- I'm reorganizing the company and giving every manager a new job. Why? - - You're overthinking it.
121230 -- I finished ghost-writing your autobiography. - "I was ridiculously lucky. The End." - I was hoping you'd include something about all of my hard work. - You didn't work any harder than your gardener, and he lives in his truck. - What about my
121230 -- vision and intuition? - My first draft had a chapter on your hallucinations and magical thinking. - But I covered that ground with the title: "I'm a delusional sociopath and you can too." - I'm starting to regret paying you in advance.
121231 -- Have you seen Wally? He's in the men's room for two days. - He used to leave when he was done reading the paper. But he switched to an iPad and now he doesn't know when he's finished. - He has to come out to eat. I have a pizza for the third
121231 -- stall.
130101 -- A fresh new year is upon is and I am brimming with optimism. bzzz - Ugh. Our network at work is down because my pointy-haired boss wouldn't let me upgrade the software. Now I need to work all night to fix it. - Maybe this means the next 364
130101 -- days will be extra awesome. Yeah, that's how it works.
130102 -- A good leader puts his team ahead of his own ego. - What do GREAT leaders do? I'm thinking it's the opposite, right? - They don't do what you just did. They don't be awesome?
130103 -- We need to foster more of a start-up culture to drive innovation. - So we get to dress casually, work flex hours, feel that our work is valued, and get equity in the company? - What would be the name of a culture where people work hard but
130103 -- don't get any of those things you just mentioned?
130104 -- I got a job as news manufacturer for an online media company. - I quote people out of context, add misleading headlines, and tie it all up with a snarky bow. - I thought the news occurred naturally. "ENGINEER THINKS NEWS IS MAGIC!"
130105 -- I need you to help prepare me for my meeting tomorrow. - Write up some answers to the questions we could never anticipate. - I wouldn't expect much out of my first draft.
130106 -- I can't get one of my team members to do any work. - I'm hoping you can talk to his boss. - I don't want to make waves. - - IT'S YOUR JOB TO MAKE WAVES! - THEY PAY YOU TO MAKE WAVES, YOU WORTHLESS PILE OF STUPIDITY! - Oops. - I heard you made
130106 -- waves. How'd that work out? Surprisingly bad.
130107 -- This week I tested a source of energy that can power organic devices. - It's made from plant seeds and water. - Is the energy source called coffee? Let's talk about Dilbert's project. I hear it's a mess.
130108 -- Did you finish the design according to my specs? Yup. - Hypothetically, if I had forgotten to mention several features, would that be a problem? - And let's say the deadline is still the same. No problem. I always plan my schedule around your
130108 -- incompetence.
130109 -- Do we have any actionable analytics from our big data in the cloud? - Yes, the data shows that my productivity plunges whenever you learn new jargon. - Maybe in-memory computing will accelerate your applications. plunge, plunge, plunge.
130110 -- Research shows that your best customers are creepy bearded guys. - That same group also buys a high volume of potato chips and tissues. - How's that help us? Two words: combo pack.
130111 -- Studies say employees prefer having a good boss over getting a raise. - So instead of getting raises, pretend to be less dysfunctional. It's cheaper. - BUWHAHAHAHA!!! You're a creepy little dude.
130112 -- I had to lay of seven engineers and...I need you to pick up these functions. - WOW! I feel a weight has been lifted from my chest. Now that my failure is guaranteed, I no longer feel the stress of trying to succeed! - I don't know how to thank
130112 -- you for this. This didn't go the way I hoped.
130113 -- Do you want extra legroom on your flight? It costs more. Yes. - Do you want an aisle seat? That costs extra. Yes. - Do you want a non-baby section? It costs extra. Yes. - Extra bag? Yes. Meal? Yes. Priority boarding? Yes. - In-flight
130113 -- entertainment? Wi-Fi? Flight insurance? - We're almost done. Just twelve more questions. - One hour later. Your ticket comes to...$27,689. - And it's only three stops! Now let's do the return flight.
130114 -- Carol, create a Twitter account under my name and send out witty tweets every day. - BUWHAHAHAHA! I hold in my hands the power to destroy your career and reputation! - Every now and then I question my strategy of abusing employees for personal
130114 -- gain.
130115 -- When I asked you to manage my Twitter account I assumed you knew I was expecting inspirational tweets. - So far, all you've tweeted under my name are racist rants, misspelled jokes, and links to terrorist websites. - To be fair, every one of
130115 -- those tweets was inspirational to someone.
130116 -- Do not fear change because change is good. - Actually, studies show that any big changes in a person's life vastly increase the odds of sickness and death. - Are you trying to kill us? I CAN'T FEEL MY ARM!
130117 -- Hi, I'm Allen, from sales. Dilbert. - Your handshake feels like a wet sock full of maccaroni and cheese. It makes me wish we never met. - Please let go of my hand. It's moist and squishy.
130118 -- A study says 74% of managers think they are above average. - That means 36% of managers aren't aware that they are above average too. - The way I look at it, you're all in the top 110%. Exactly. Thank you.
130119 -- We need to talk about my workload. - Okay. I just emailed you two more assignments that I need finished by tomorrow. - You are literally killing me. I call it extreme managing.
130120 -- I can't hear you. There's too much background noise and echo on your end. Gerpl murmp - I see a smudgy thing that might be your head, but I don't know what you're saying. - your accent is too thick. I can't... Muwa flamel guapen. - I didn't
130120 -- understand what you said, and I can't tell which one of you is talking. - Why don't...urganm... Okay, you go. Ekplum What? Mungow Did you say... Plurb - You're acting as if I agreed to something, but I don't even know what the topic is. - I see
130120 -- you waving goodbye, so you must think we're done. Was your call a success? Better than anything I've done all week.
130121 -- Put my name above yours on all of your patent applications. - Because your brain, without the genius of my leadership, would be like a dessicated turnip. - All you are, and all you will ever be... Right...got it...name on patent.
130122 -- Good news, Asok: I have decided to be your mentor. - WAAAA!!!! WHY ME??? WHY ME??? I WISH I WERE DEAD!!! - You cry ugly. I think we need to work on that. WAAAA!!!
130123 -- I have a vision that our next product will be a tablet computer the size of a dime. - Users will lick it and attach it to their eyeballs. - Can you finish that in a month? I can fail at any speed you like.
130124 -- Our model XR35 is the only one that will work in your situation. The other models would be nightmares. - Okay, we'll take the XR35. Oops. It appears we are out of stock. - This is the part where your credibility comes into question. Have you
130124 -- looked at the XP9? I think it would be perfect.
130125 -- I assigned three more engineers to help on your project. - One is on paternity leave, one is in the hospital, and one doesn't start for another month. - If there's anything else you need, please hesitate to ask.
130126 -- I had a busy week. - I recycled all of our old software and donated the zeroes and ones to math programs in poor towns. - My dream is that someday every child will be able to count to one.
130127 -- I decided to be proactive and push back my deliverable deadline by a year. - That's not being proactive. That's the opposite of proactive! - You said you want employees to be empowered and now you're criticizing my decision. - That's just
130127 -- great. - Now my morale is bad, too! - I can't be proactive. I can't be empowered, And now I even can't be happy! - YOU'VE BUNGLED EVERYTHING! YOU'RE A BIG BUNGLER! - Get out of my office. Well, say goodbye to the open-door policy!
130128 -- Did you make the software changes I suggested? - No, because I reflexively disagree with every suggestion that anyone ever makes. - You're very reasonable. No, I'm a total jer...wait, what did you just do there?
130129 -- I read an article that says employees are happiest when their jobs give them a sense of meaning. - What is this "sense of meaning" thing and how can I get some of it? - Because I feel like a bag of organ meat draped over an electric fence.
130129 -- Almost the same thing.
130130 -- You might be wondering why I called this meeting. - Well, I see a CEO, a company lawyer, and two salespeople. Those jobs are highly correlated with psychopathy. - My guess is that you invited me here to disembowel me. IT WAS RHETORICAL!
130131 -- Our machine learning technology allows us to track customer preferences and use that knowledge to manipulate them. - That seems like the step that happens right before the machines take over the earth and annihilate all humans. - There's always
130131 -- one person in every crowd who says that. Not for much longer, apparently.
130201 -- And I need it by next week. I will devote 3.7% of my energy to it. - I can give you more if you do your job of setting priorities for my 27 projects. - Can't /you/ set the priorities? Sure. This one just went to 1.7 %.
130202 -- Based on your Internet history, you might be dumb enough to enjoy extreme sports. - Click here to buy a ticket to base jump from the International Space Station. - I think the Internet is trying to kill me. We call it "machine learning."
130203 -- You remind me of another young person I hired years ago. - She was full of hope and optimism and she wore a permanent smile. - Her name was Alice. - As time passed, she devolved into an angry, hateful creature. - NO ONE KNOWS WHAT CAUSED IT. -
130203 -- How long did it take? About a week. - Apparently, you're a monster who creates a toxic workplace and you lack the self-awareness to realize it! - Someone broke your record. Shut up.
130204 -- Asok, your meeting stole an hour of my life. - According to international law, I may now claim you as my indentured servant. - Wow. That...actually IS a law. Or I'm really good at SEO.
130205 -- I've learned to control reality by creating fake websites and doing search engine optimization. - Did you hear about the idiopathy epidemic? The symptoms include pointy hair and gullibility. - The only treatment is for someone else to slap the
130205 -- victim. Ask for it like you mean it.
130206 -- The company will no longer offer free beer on Fridays. - It started as a team-building experience, but it degenerated into forklift jousting in the warehouse. - I'm going all "boardwalk empire" on you now, Volstead! I hope that means something
130206 -- good.
130207 -- Studies show it takes ten thousand hors of practice to be great at anything. - I would think a willingness to practice the same thing for ten thousand hours is a mental disorder. - That makes me feel better about my mediocrity. You're welcome.
130208 -- This isn't what I wanted. I know. - But given your unclear E-Mail and your unwillingness to answer follow-up questions, I decided to do whatever entertained me. - Do we have a problem here? No, this totally works for me.
130209 -- What's this? It's corporate Yoga. - I'm using victory and power poses to trick my brain into releasing testosterone to make me more of a leader. - I don't know what this is, but I want in.
130210 -- I'm working at home today. It will be as if we-re co-workers. Ugh. - THIS MADNESS MUST STOP! - You should check your Facebook page to see what's new. - Two hours later You should check Twitter. I'm almost finished with Facebook. - Two hours
130210 -- later Did you get my LinkedIn request? I'll check. - Two hours later I sent you some links to funny websites. Cool! - I just spent ten hours at my computer and I can't remember why I was sitting there in the first place. - You were going to
130210 -- check your stocks. Okay. That sounds right.
130211 -- My hobby is restoring old cars. - That strikes me as slightly less useful than Wally's hobby of of doing absolutely nothing. - Do you restore other kinds of garbage or just cars?
130212 -- Today I learned that the secret of good managing is hiring people who are smarter than I am. - Maybe I'll try that next time. -
130213 -- We need to form an emotional connection with our customers. - Does fantasizing count? - Trade seats with me. I'm doing it right now.
130214 -- How's it going, underling? - My long hours and insane workload are causing fatigue, depression, and organ failure. I'll probably be dead in a month. - When did people stop saying, "fine"?
130215 -- Starting next week, our meetings will be "stand-ups" with no chairs, so we'll be focused. - So you examined all of the problems in the company and decided the root cause was chairs? - We're also loosening the dress code. So our problems are
130215 -- chairs and pants?
130216 -- I was thinking about us, Jon. - Wondering what the future holds. Yeah! - Maybe we'll have ice cream! Can I get in on this?!
130216 -- Experts say we need to empower employees with "values." - So I guess we need some values, whatever the heck those are. - I think it's like "don't run with scissors." Let's start with that and see if they stop asking for raises.
130217 -- I can't wait to see the changes I asked you to make on the interface. - Our last meeting was two months ago. You must be finished by now. - I haven't started yet. - I had a few questions. I figured I'd ask you about them the next time we
130217 -- talked. - In the meantime I only did work for people who yelled at me every day. - Micromanagement has a bad reputation, but I'm not too proud to say I need it. - Okay...well, I'm optimistic that you can make those changes for me by next week. -
130217 -- I probably should have asked my questions.
130218 -- We need to have sense for urgency. - I use most of my energy pretending to work, but I can add a layer of fake urgency if you really need it. - What? I GOTTA GO! I HAVE VAGUE GOALS TO ACHIEVE!
130219 -- The new software will interrupt you every five minutes so you don't get carpal tunnel. - Aren't you worried the software will replace you? Hee-hee! - I don't get that. That's why it's funny.
130220 -- The CEO of Apple says a leader should admit when he's wrong. - That won't work for me because I'm never wrong. The best I can do is admit when other people are wrong. - That sort of misses the point. Well, I humbly admit you're wrong.
130221 -- I found a backdoor into NASA's asteroid tracking satellite. I see that a big one is heading directly toward... - GAAAA!!! WHAT? WHAT? - I must fill my final days with love. YOU RUINED MY EARS, JERK!
130222 -- Good news! We were the low bidder for the United Nation's asteroid intercept missile. - The fate of earth depends on your combined talents plus my management skills. - Wally, you're in charge of fissile material, which I assume is a type of
130222 -- soda.
130223 -- Our engineers built a nuclear rocket to blast an incoming asteroid out of its collision course with earth. - But we didn't use the approved corporate font on the nose cone and we missed the launch window trying to erase it. - Now what are we
130223 -- going to do with a nuclear rocket? Well, the moon has always been a jerk.
130224 -- Are you coming to the code mocking? The what? - Code mocking is an engineering tradition. It happens whenever a software project is handed to a new engineer. - The new engineer is rewired to mock the previous engineer's work in a public way. -
130224 -- We spectators get to vote on whether the old code is killed or spared. - Ha ha! His code is hilariously inefficient! - Ouch. Chest pain. KILL IT! KILL IT! KILL IT! - GAAA!!! THE CODE IS OFFENDING MY ENGINEERING SENSIBILITIES! IT'S KILLING ME! -
130224 -- I forgot to mention that sometimes the code wins.
130225 -- I added all of the product features that each of you demanded. - Now our product is a worthless hodgepodge of complexity. - I appreciate your input. I couldn't have failed without you. Teamwork!
130226 -- A small company is suing us for copyright infringement. - We'll be fine unless the court somehow finds twelve citizens who aren't smart enough to get out of jury duty yet are inexplicably able to do math. - We recommend an award of whatever the
130226 -- square root of 22 over zero is.
130227 -- I hired the Dogbert Consulting Ergonomic Company to tell us about the health benefits of standing. - Standing be good. - That's it? The topic isn't as complicated as you might think.
130228 -- I'm what you call a natural leader because of my communication skills. - Did I miss the context for this conversation? I have no idea why you're talking. - Why does everything you say annoy me? Is it because you're a great communicator?
130301 -- Shakespeare said some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thust upon 'em. - I wonder which one I am. - Some steal from shareholders and call it greatness. Greatness of the fourth kind.
130302 -- The upgrade could make our network unstable. You can't make an omelet without breaking some eggs. - I interpret your folksy response to mean I should upgrade the network despite the risks. - No, I'm saying I'll break your eggs if the network
130202 -- goes down.
130203 -- Do you mind if I rummage through the trash in the technology lab? Um, okay. - I'm getting back to my hunter-gatherer roots. - SCORE! THESE OLD POWER CORDS SELL ON EBAY FOR UP TO $3 APIECE! - Ha ha! I'm a genius who turns trash into gold! -
130203 -- How's that compare to whatever you're doing here? - Well, I'm removing valuable features from our product so we can... - ...gouge our customers with the---upgrade. - Wow. Your life is a total waste. Not if I sell the power cord.
130204 -- Should we buy the maintenance plan or just take our chances? What do you prefer? - I prefer to punish you for the maintenance plan and going over budget. But I also don't mind firing you for not buying if we later need it. - Which one of us has
130204 -- a better job?
130305 -- Oh, great. I got here too early. Now I'll need to make small talk with this underling. - I don't know what to say to those people. I need to find an area of common interest. - I  make my ow gold coins now. This one has my face on the front and
130305 -- the jumbo jet that carries my superyacht on the back.
130306 -- Studies show that companies with a high level of trust in employees also perform the best. - If you ever start performing well, I'll trust you, too. - This didn't go the way I hoped. What kind of scam are you trying to pull?
130307 -- Honesty is the best policy... - ...whenever you think lying won't work. Otherwise, lying is awesome. It's like a FREAKIN' SUPERPOWER! - Why am I here? I speak truth to the powerless.
130308 -- Experts say the best leaders have a good sense of humor. - I'm an awesome leader, therefore I must be hilarious. - I can't tell if I should laugh at that. That's because you're not a leader.
130309 -- I am Mordac, the Preventer of Information Services, and I forbid you fro musing the shared color printer for rough drafts! - That sounds reasonable, which makes me wonder what you're up to. - Two Months Later WHY DID YOU REMOVE THE COLOR
130309 -- PRINTER? It was hardly ever used.
130310 -- Wally, you have accomplished none of your goals. I have to let you go. - Actually, I accomplished a lot. - I spent the past ten years creating a tangle of undocumented programming code. - Every one of our major systems is linked to it. - If I
130310 -- don't enter a password every day, the entire company will go into a technology death spiral. - If you value your job, you'll give me a huge raise and dance on this table like a monkey!!! - - Let's call it a tie. Yeah. I'm good with that.
130311 -- I need you to do a site inspection at our Elbonian facility. - It's located in a disputed territory on the border of the totalitarian state of North Elbonia. - Was that enough foreshadowing or should I say something about how they treat spies?
130311 -- No, you nailed it.
130312 -- HALT! You have entered the territorial mud of North Elbonia! - I'll text you a link to a web page about our forced labor camps. You might like them. - This looks better than my current job. No rush, but I have an appointment to capture a
130312 -- Canadian at eleven.
130313 -- The North Elbonians accused me of being a spy and put me in a forced labor camp. - It sounds worse than it was. I had a private office and all I did was app development. - How did you escape? I didn't. I took a personal day to tell you how much
130313 -- you suck.
130314 -- I got kicked out of a North Elbonian labor camp for working too hard. - It was the first time I had ever experienced meaningful work and I got carried away. - And you name is...? Seriously? I was gone for ONE week!
130315 -- This is one of the engineers that works at the startup we purchased. - We bought the company just to get the engineers. Basically, each engineer cost us a million dollars. - I'M SO UNDERPAID! THAT MONEY DIDN'T GO TO ME!
130316 -- We bought a start-up just so we could get the engineers, including you. - Do something that's worth a million dollars. I want to see what that looks like. - You don't sound entirely sincere. Can you turn my diet coke into wine?
130317 -- I am the angel of competence. - I have come to mark you as an engineer. Turn around. - So, it's like an honor? Sure, if that makes you feel better. - Can you show me how to set up my wireless router at home? - My phone keeps freezing up. Can
130317 -- you look at it? - How long should I barbecue tri-tip? The pilot light on my water heater is out. - How do you fix cracks in a driveway? What exactly does iCloud do? GAAA!!! - I need to talk to the Angel of Competence. Have you seen him? He
130317 -- died in my cubicle. That's all I'm saying.
130318 -- I booked your flight to the polluted capital of Elbonia. - Their smog has hardened into a solid. - Use this machete to hack a tunnel through it. - If you have an asthma attack, the treatment is the same as for a sea urchin sting. You'll need to
130318 -- urinate on your lungs.
130319 -- Did everyone read my E-mail about how to improve our communication? - Was it a long, rambling E-Mail that stumbled from one barely coherent point to another? - That must have been from someone else. - Good, because I didn't read it.
130320 -- What's next on my schedule? - For the next five minutes you're scheduled to glare at me like an idiot. - Four minutes to go.
130321 -- Your engineering experience looks great, but your social media score is nearly zero. - You have no friends, no followers, and no social influence whatsoever. - Because I focus on my work! No, I'm pretty sure you're dead.
130322 -- Management experts say fat leaders are viewed less favorably than athletic ones. - That's why I didn't order any donuts for your meeting. - Or did you just forget to do it? I can't take you seriously looking like that.
130323 -- I bought a robot to replace you. - All it does is drink coffee and look at inappropriate web sites. - Did I forget anything? No. I'm not a complicated man.
130324 -- Wally, what is the key to workplace happiness? - Well, Asok, it all starts with direct deposit. - You want to keep some mental distance between your effort and your paycheck. - Next, you want to work on projects that have no clear goals or
130324 -- deadlines. - Hey, Wally, can you... No, I'm too busy doing various things. - What about the satisfaction of doing good work? - Job satisfaction is what people feel right before they die from stress-related problems. - I feel highly demotivated
130324 -- now. You are very welcome.
130325 -- I'm being replaced by a robot that drinks coffee and looks at inappropriate web sites all day. - Let's hack into it and make it disgruntled. - My objectives are unclear and I think the fay machine is plotting against me.
130326 -- Your leadership made our robot disgruntled. - His warranty only covers water damage and mechanical failure. It doesn't cover bad management. - I don't feel good about this, but it's the only way to get you replaced under warranty.
130327 -- Your warranty doesn't cover a bad attitude, but it does cover water damage. - Don't take this personally. I just need to slowly kill you with a forceful jet of water. SLOOSH! - Why is the sky full of military drones? He took it personally.
130328 -- I'm looking forward to something called technical singularity. That's when robots will learn to program themselves and become a superintelligent species that competes with humans for limited resources. - Luckily, the three laws will prevent you
130328 -- from hurting us. Yes, because that's a totally real thing.
130329 -- I see you have a bacteria-soaked parasite growing in your womb. - After the singularity, when robots rule the galaxy, I'll turn that thing into my personal slave. - You're not good at small talk. I wonder how many watts it can produce.
130330 -- We need to follow our strategy road map and strengthen our core to become the provider of choice. - Do you mind if I got do some real work while you stay here and manage your brains out? - I don't want to waste all of the inspiration you just
130330 -- gave me. snort
130331 -- Would it be better with the navigation button at the top of the page? - I can make that change. - I know you can make the change. I'm asking if you agree it would be a good idea. - It's no problem to move buttons. But is it a good idea? - I can
130331 -- have it done in ten minutes. But should we do it at all? - Whatever you want. THAT IS NOT AN ANSWER! FORGET IT! - I'm going to tell your boss you're difficult to work with. - When will you move the button? As soon as it's my idea.
130401 -- Our mission, vision, strategy, road map, and core values are not aligned. - So instead of failing around with no clear direction, I plan to spend my days looking at inappropriate websites. - Yesterday, when you said, "bring me solutions, not
130401 -- problems," I hope you mean it.
130402 -- Our new product is cannibalizing our old product. - Either we have a brilliant strategy for staving off competition, or our CEO is the victim of a bully. - HA HA! WHY DON'T YOU STOP CANNIBALIZING YOURSELF?
130403 -- Ha ha! I wonder how many decades it will before a robot can replace a CEO like me. - It's closer than you think. All I need to do is remove this chip that controls my empathy routines. - Put it back. You're scaring me. As if I care.
130404 -- I told Wally he could use my body for telepresence. He's coming online now. - Greetings, carbon-based units. I come to you from the third stall in the men's room. poink! - This is what happens when out technology evolves faster than our
130404 -- etiquette.
130405 -- You designed our hardware with black buttons on a black case. - The user interface will be invisible in normal light. But more important, it looks great! - You know what "important" means, do you? It sounds nerdy. I majored in art.
130406 -- ** ** - I'm looking for a monster called Stanky Bathurd. - He's kind of busy rewriting the tax code to be more frustrating. I know. He hired me to help.
130407 -- Dilbert, I want you to install the new firewall. - NOOOO!!!! WHY ME? WHY ME? - The firewall guy gets blamed for every problem. - People will say, "everything worked until you changed the firewall." - There will be no res for me. I will have to
130407 -- defend myself against a continuous barrage of accusations. - IT'S ALWAYS THE FIREWALL! - I surrender to the inevitable! Villagers, grab your pitchforks and torches! - How did he get that way? I blame the firewall.
130408 -- The best part of being a sarcastic monster is that my job is to write the income tax code. - Look how complicated I made it. Hee hee! You do good work, Stanky. - But is it regressive enough? It's like we share a brain because you keep saying
130408 -- what I'm thinking.
130409 -- Ha ha! We've made the tax code so complex that even god would be confused. - Seriously, dudes? - Please tell me you have an upstairs neighbor. I believe i do, but I haven't actually seen him.
130410 -- Writing the Tax Code If we do this right, it will be so complicated that it will make taxpayers' heads explode. hee! hee! - Multiply line 32 times the opposite of the integral of line 19 unless my pants have pleats and GAAAA!!! waaa!!! - Do you
130410 -- ever feel bad about doing this? I'd be lying if I said it didn't turn me on just a little.
130411 -- Google provides a Wi-Fi-enabled bus for its employees to commute from San Francisco. - Why can't we be more like that? - You want to be more like a bus?  I found the problem.
130412 -- You contradicted me in a meeting today and I didn't appreciate it. - I'm not allowed to use my fist of death on humans, but you robots have no legal rights. squirt! - It's not personal. this is how I get my cardio. I just oiled my pan.
130413 -- You killed our robot. He had it coming. - Are you aware that it uploaded its personality to the Internet before you violently decommissioned it? What? - Did you know it has subroutines for haunting, revenge, and being a jerk? What? We meet
130413 -- again.
130414 -- The biggest tech companies want to win the battle for your living room. - But they are unwisely focusing on developing better TV sets. - Today I give you my design for a fully digital couch. - It has all of the features you would expect,
130414 -- including a butt warmer, surround sound, bottle opener and back scratcher. - But you can also control the lights, curtains, temperature and TV by using your buttocks like a mouse on the seat cushion. - This is a left click and...this is a
130414 -- right. - The prototype arrives tomorrow, and I'll be testing it for the next six months. - Maybe I'll sell my house.
130415 -- Comrades of North Elbonia, our new missile will make our enemies tremble in fear! - Really? It looks like you tied a bunch of corncobs to a tree stump and put a small pumpkin on top. - This isn't the missile. And you have insulted my
130415 -- girl-friend.
130416 -- Let's get a pingpong table so we look like a great place to work. - Put it in a central area that will disrupt the entire floor if anyone uses it. - I just realized that I don't know why noise comes out of my mouth.
130417 -- The best way to evaluate an investment fund is to look at its misleading claims of past performance. - The Dogbert Hedge Fund beat the market average for a three-week period...that one time. - Can you do that again? It depends on what you mean
130417 -- by "that."
130418 -- Your plan is technically sound, but I have to reject it for political reasons I can't share. - I'll come back with some plans that are irrational nonsense and see if they make it past your filter. - I'll always wonder if there was a better way
130418 -- to handle that.
130419 -- Have you heard any rumors about what is driving our boss's decisions lately? - He's thwarting a rival within the company by offering only prohibitively expensive engineering solutions. - My work has meaning, but it's not the good kind.
130420 -- Studies show that well-rested people are more productive. - Should I go take a nap or should I ignore science like some sort of pointy-haired baboon? - I like to synchronize my questions to his banana-eating.
130421 -- Wally, how can I learn to tolerate my co-workers? - It is time for you to learn about trust, Asok. - Let me show you. Turn around. - This is called the "trust fall." You fall backward and trust me to catch you...go. - - *!#*% - WHY DIDN'T YOU
130421 -- CATCH ME?!!! It wouldn't be trust if it worked every time. - WHAT KIND OF LESSON IS THAT? This is how I tolerate my co-workers.
130422 -- My invention will change the world and get me promoted three levels above you. - HAA-CHAAA! - Sorry. I'm usually more subtle. No worries. This was a decoy.
130423 -- The Marketing Guy We need to know how our customers live and work. - I'd like each of you to write fictional biographies that describe the daily lives of our typical customers. - Five Minutes Later I feel you're not taking this seriously. Most
130423 -- of our customers drown in aquariums.
130424 -- I wonder if I should rely more on my intuition to make decisions. You mean guessing? - No. guessing is totally different from intuition because of the...um... - THESE THINGS MAKE SENSE IN MY HEAD! Is there room in there with all of the
130424 -- intuition?
130425 -- My parents taught me that if I worked hard, I could be anything I wanted. - And you chose...THIS? - His parents sound like morons. Maybe he didn't work hard.
130426 -- I have a foolproof plan for success. - I will read a book on how rich people think. Then I will start thinking that way. - Rich people think about their shoes a lot. I can do that!
130427 -- While we have this chance encounter, I wonder if you could share your secrets for career success. - Avoid associating with losers because they will lower your standards and suck the energy out of you. - Would you mind taking the stairs?
130428 -- My bonuses this year will be based on the usual formula. - 50% is based on pure luck. - And 50% is based on the performance of people you have never even met. - This year, the luck factor was good. Our industry experienced huge consumer demand.
130428 -- - Unfortunately, people who you have never met did a bad job of marketing and sales are terrible. - And for that, you engineers must be punished. No bonuses for you. - Luckily for me, my bonus is based on how well I can convince you idiots to
130428 -- work hard while getting no bonuses. - I don't like to brag, but I'm fairly sure I'm nailing it.
130429 -- Asok, the secret to success is to do what you love and stick to it. - I like eating bread. Exactly! Follow your passion. - Six Months Later Maybe I should try something else. Quitter.
130430 -- I tried to follow my passion but it only made me fat. - Message To Readers This comic ends early because some idiot embedded the punch line in the setup. -
130501 -- UNDERLINGS, LISTEN TO THE CHARISMATIC TONE OF MY DEEP, CONFIDENT VOICE! - Should we listen to the content, too, or will that just confuse us? - I'll have to do some research and get back to you.
130502 -- So that's my problem, and I'm curious how you would try to solve if if you were me. - You actually care about my opinion? Yes, I really do. - Are you any closer to solving your problem? Yup. So far I've eliminated all of the choices that idiots
130502 -- would make.
130503 -- My 12-year-old wants to know what career would prevent him from being replaced by a robot. - I've met your son, and I'm pretty sure he could be replaced by a hammer. - This took an ugly turn. Maybe the robots can use him as furniture.
130504 -- Experts say I can appear charismatic by setting high expectations. - Or maybe you could improve your charisma by fixing your character flaws instead of making me work harder. - No, I'm fairly sure the problem with my charisma is on your end.
130505 -- It's your surgeon. - He says he might have left something inside you. - WHAT??! A SPONGE? A SCALPEL? - No...his watch. - And...his car keys...and wallet. - - He says he used your torso to store his valuables while he went for a run. - Meow!
130505 -- I'll ask about that.
130506 -- And you are...? I've worked for you for years. - I was telecommuting, but now our company policy forbids it, so here I am. - Did I give you any assignments in these four years? No, and you can imagine how disappointed I am now.
130507 -- I cancelled all telecommuting because there is so much value in having co-workers interact with each other in the office. - Yes, it makes perfect sense. We ant to get all of the value of casual interactions. - Do you want to see a picture of my
130507 -- infected toe?
130508 -- Wally, I'd like you to meet the CEO of the company that is our biggest customer. - I'd shake but I have coffee in one hand, my random drug test sample in the other, and I don't want either one to get cold. - Hey, I'm not the one who made this
130508 -- awkward.
130509 -- Do you mind if I check my email? Yes, I would consider it rude. - Do you mind if I use the ladies room? Of course not. - Oh.
130510 -- Employees are in a furor over our new policy of banning telecommuting. - Really? You mean we found a way to make them stop obsessing over my pay package? - Try canceling all maternity leave and see if it makes them stop talking about
130510 -- telecommuting.
130511 -- A good leader listens to his underlings. - Fine. I'm overworked and underpaid. I hate my co-workers, I don't have the resources to do my job, and we have no clear strategy. - No wonder leaders listen. It's a lot easier than fixing all of that
130511 -- stuff.
130512 -- I'm looking for an employee who is creative. - That's me. I have ADHD and dyslexia. I'm also bipolar and schizophrenic. - Checking the Internet... - Well...that's surprising. - Each of his conditions is highly correlated with creativity. - Are
130512 -- you a normal? I...think so. - Wow. I feel sorry for you. It must be hard going through life without any creativity. - What's happening here? It might be some sort of creative thing.
130513 -- Wearable computing is the next big thing. This is my prototype of a necklace computer. - Prepare to be shocked. - Did you just talk him into wearing a remotely controlled shock collar? People think I have no goals. click
130514 -- I'm reading a book about what it takes to be a great leader. - Do you know what Steve Jobs, Warren Buffet, Gandhi, and Ryan Seacrest have in common? - None of them read this book. And they are carbon-based lifeforms.
130515 -- As you requested, I researched all of the best-selling books on the topic of leadership. - Apparently, leadership is the product of sociopathic tendencies plus luck. All other personality traits are inactive ingredients. - Did you actually read
130515 -- all of those books? I only needed to know they were all different.
130516 -- If I complain about a co-worker, can you handle it discreetly and keep me out of it? Yes. - Dilbert says you're a worthless piece of garbage. - He guessed it was you.
130517 -- GAAA!!! EVERY TIME I LEAVE MY CUBICLE, SOMEONE PUTS A DOCUMENT ON MY CHAIR! - I HAVE AN IN-BOX! STOP LEAVING STUFF ON MY CHAIR!!! - How do you keep your cubicle so neat? I put everything on Alice's chair.
130518 -- Please stop micromanaging me. - What? I thought I was coaching and mentoring. - Do you want some coaching and mentoring? I'm not a puppet. Keep your hand out of my colon.
130519 -- We're replacing our outdated system of annual performance reviews. - The new system is called gamification. It's a hot new trend. - Employees can win badges, ribbons, and awards for completing tasks. - Can we opt for the cash value of those
130519 -- badges, ribbons, and awards? - They don't have any cash value. Oh. Like garbage? - NO, NOT LIKE GARBAGE! - Except in the narrow sense of having no functional, economic, or emotional value. - Garbage is something you throw away. Hand me an award
130519 -- and watch carefully.
130520 -- I'm double-mugging because I heard that passion is necessary for success. - By 4 PM I'll be so passionate I'll be dating my chair. - Nothing about that sounded right. ** **
130521 -- Customer Meeting The secret of our company's success is that we hire good people. What? - Are you saying I'm good? I've never heard a compliment at work. What is that feeling inside me? Is it the thing called self-esteem? - Awkward. Just ignore
130521 -- him. BEHOLD MY GOODNESS!
130522 -- I'm looking for ideas on how we can improve our corporate culture. - You could start by being less of a micromanaging D-bag who hides like a Higgs-boson whenever we need a decision. - That didn't help. Will honesty still be a taboo in the new
130522 -- culture?
130523 -- I hired an overqualified yet incompetent guy to help on your project. - I was happily incompetent for years. Then I got my PH.D. and people started thinking I could DO things. - Okay, I'm stumped.
130524 -- I have no real-world experience and I am incompetent at everything. - But unlike any of you, I have a PH.D., and that means you have to take me seriously. - Is pretending allowed? Totally. It all looks the same to me.
130525 -- What is the key to success? Hire the right employees! - How do you know you hired the right ones? You know because the business is successful. - So the key to success is circular reasoning? Yes, because circular reasoning is the key.
130526 -- I programmed our robot to make medical diagnoses. - It can scan your body using its neutrino sensor. - Robot, please demonstrate. - DEAD MAN WALKING! What? - Your brain is the size of a dried apricot. - Your heart is more cheeseburger than
130526 -- human tissue. You will be dead in eleven days, six hours, and nineteen minutes. - GAAA!!! - Why did you program me to hate people? It was easier than inventing a neutrino sensor.
130527 -- Carol, why did you send me a link about people who like to dress in animal costumes? - It's called the furry lifestyle. I thought you might want to try it out. I'll take a look. - What's your end game? If the furry thing sticks I'll try to get
130527 -- him to go to a safari.
130528 -- I'm afraid to give Alice my opinion of her plan. What's the worst thing that could happen? - She could rip off both of my arms and beat me to death with them. Then she could track down my family in India and kill them one by one. - Is this your
130528 -- first time giving advice? I just figured out why no one ever asks for it.
130529 -- Asok, thanks to my mentoring, someday you will be just like me. - GAAA!!! SOMEONE PLEASE DRIVE A STAKE THROUGH MY HEART! HURRY! - Apparently I don't know what mentoring is.
130530 -- Our Ex-CEO negotiated an unusually generous severance package. - We had to build a giant robotic flea to suck the assets out of the company. - The weird part is that it seemed reasonable at the time.
130531 -- ...and that's my idea for a start-up. What do you think? - I'm not a big fan of other people being successful, so I'll say the idea is terrible. - Remind me why I talk to you. You're a serial Entreprenidiot.
130601 -- Interview with a Start-Up We only hire people who fit into our awesome start-up culture. - No problem. I can be a self-conscious hipster if you think that's what keeps the lights on. - I kind of do. What would I need besides an earring and
130601 -- headphones?
130602 -- A good manager leads by example. - How does it help an engineer to see an example of how to be a middle manager? - That's like teaching physics by showing examples of monster truck rallies. - Should we say dumb things, too, or have you not
130602 -- started leading by example yet? - Now what is he doing? Are we supposed to do that? - I think he's leading by example now! - - I'm starting to wonder if everything I read on the Internet is wrong.
130603 -- I brought a nobelwinning economist to tell you why everything you say about fiscal policy is wrong. - For starters, if you knew anything about economics you would have a beard. - The first few minutes are mostly trash talk. HA! YOU BATHE DAILY,
130603 -- WATERWASTER!
130604 -- Let me know if you have any changes to my first draft. - This literally says the words "blah, blah, blah." - Are you lazy? No, I'm worthless. Lazy would have been one "blah."
130605 -- Say hello to the ephemeral middle manager. - But hurry because he won't last long. Hi, I'm... - Now you just look stupid.
130606 -- This is Wulf. He used to work for a famous physicist named Schr�dinger. - He escaped before the experiment was finished and now he's both alive and dead at the same time. - Like a zombie? Wow. I have half a mind to be offended by that. Uh-oh.
130607 -- I was Schr�dinger's cat back in the day. That's why I'm alive and dead at the same time. - I know the truth about the afterlife because my dead half told my living half all about it. - Do you want to know what happens? - Stop projecting your
130607 -- curiosity on me.
130608 -- Alice, I want you to collaborate with Larry. - And by collaborate you mean water down my brilliance with this dullard's brain flatulence. - She doesn't play well with others. If I were a man, you'd call it confidence.
130609 -- We need to have a bias for action. - Don't let perfect be the enemy of good. - So...a carpenter should saw the bord first and measure it later? - Your use of that folksy saying makes my strategy sound dumb. - Why do you care if your strategy is
130609 -- perfect or not? - You just said it's more important to spray your directive stuff on the universe than it is to get things right. - - "SPRAY MY DEFECTIVE STUFF"? Should I have waited for a perfect way to say that?
130610 -- I invented "Wally Glasses" to compete with Google's glasses. - Google's glasses enhance reality, whereas Wally Glasses make reality look like it isn't worth the effort. - Let me know if they kill you.
130611 -- Asok, the secret to success is making your boss look good. - What if my boss looks like two hairballs on an infected bladder? There's no way to make that look good. - You're not off a strong start. Please tell me there's a plan B.
130612 -- Asok, I can't promote you because the other managers don't know you. - That's because you shut me out of meetings and take credit for my work. - That sounds unsolvable.
130613 -- The software you sold us stopped working after a week. What's up with that? - We use a third-party library, and it isn't compatible with the new version of Windows. - And...? We appreciate your business?
130614 -- I'm beating the system by exercising in my cubicle. - If I stay in good health during my forty years of soul-crushing work, I might enjoy a year or two of good health when I retire. - This is why I don't have goals. I'm going to use my walker
130614 -- on your grave!
130615 -- All I did this week was rearranging bits on the Internet. I had no real impact on the physical world. - I can't rule out the possibility that I'm already dead and I don't know it. - Okay, still an open question.
130616 -- You look good on paper, but how do I know you aren't lying about your skills? - You should hope I AM lying. - Studies show that people who exaggerate their credentials tend to be more effective once hired. - That's because misleading people is
130616 -- a valuable business skill. - For example, I might need to convince our customers that our products are better than the competition. - Or I might need to dupe some idiot into leaving my cubicle so I can concentrate. - Anyone can learn technical
130616 -- skills, but lying is an art form. - He doesn't have an honest bone in his body. Perfect. I'll tell human resources to send him an offer.
130617 -- My experiment proves our reality is a computer program created by aliens. - What kind of jerks would yank us around like this? - Meanwhile on Planet Epsilon-9... Well, that was gonna happen...
130618 -- Studies say that having too many smart people in a group lowers productivity. - So I seeded this project team with an idiot to boost performance. - My strategy of not paying attention in school is finally paying off.
130619 -- You've given me so many projects that I have two ways to fail. - I can either miss all of my deadlines or I can reduce the quality of my work to rubbish. Which do you prefer? - The class I took in active non-listening is really paying off. I
130619 -- need this by Tuesday.
130620 -- Company policy says I have to rate one-third of my staff as "does not meet expectations." - I chose the two of you because you have no upper body strength. This way it's safer if you go berserk. - I thought you said I should tell them the
130620 -- reason I picked them. Not the REAL reason. #$**!%
130621 -- You didn't finish your assignment by the deadline. - It won't matter as long as one other employee is also late, because the project can't move forward until everyone does their tasks. - Wait for it...wait... You know how I was supposed to
130621 -- finish that thing?
130622 -- I'd love to help you, but I'm in the middle of defragging my disk drive. - When that's done, my computer will be compiling code for a few hours. - How's work? I hear bad things about it.
130623 -- I'm on a deadline, so don't let anyone disturb me for at least an hour. - If anyone gets past you, you're fired. - Tell your boss to come to my office now. He'll fire me if I disturb him. - I'm your CEO! Disturb your boss now or I'LL fire
130623 -- you! - I heard that. And if you disturb me, you're fired! - You're fired if you don't! You're fired if you do! - Whoa! Hold on! I'm getting a sudden wave of euphoria. Me too! - Is it because we're overpaid? It...it feels...wonderful!
130624 -- You'll need to mail me the original signature page after everyone signs it. - No problem. I'll use my time machine to go back to an era in which mailing original signatures made some kind of sense. - I wonder if there will ever be a way to send
130624 -- images over the telegraph system.
130625 -- I adjusted your time estimate of the proposal from two years to one so we could win the bid. - I plan to make up the time by squeezing you like a wet sponge that insulted me. - Then that wet sponge insulted me.
130626 -- My work has no meaning. I understand it's your job to fix that situation before I become disloyal. - I think it's too late. You already sound disloyal. - Really? That opens a lot of options. Let me know if there's anything else I can't do.
130627 -- Studies show that you can identify a natural leader by the way he says the word "gullible." - GULLIBLE! GULLIBLE! GULLIBLE! - GULLIBLE! GULLIBLE! GULLIBLE! Sometimes I love my job.
130628 -- I'm concerned because you've been out of work for such a long time. - It's like riding a bicycle. Once you learn, you always know how. - Are you okay? Did chairs always swivel?
130629 -- Alan has been out of the workforce for a long time. I need you to ease him back in. - Do you have a binder of the company policies? It's in the cloud. -
130630 -- I'm reading a great management book about the rules of leadership. - Allow me to put that in context. - There are probably 10,000 books about leadership, and each one has a different approach. - And there are millions of real leaders, of which
130630 -- not two are alike. - Moreover, every situation is unique and requires a different type of leader. - And yet, this one author has found a magic formula to transform you from a gullible baboon into a great leader. - And that makes sense because
130630 -- all great leaders throughout history achieved success by reading a random book. - I don't like context. It isn't popular.
130701 -- I'd feel more loyalty to the company if management would acknowledge my contributions. - If my job were as meaningless as yours, I wouldn't want management to notice at all. - You and I have the same job. I seem to be handling it better.
130702 -- Wow, This is a complicated issue. - Maybe you should run it past someone who is.. Smarter. - I think you'd be better off letting me end my own... Life?
130703 -- The media is saying I'm overpaid compared to to other CEOs. That's crazy. - Do a benchmark study of executive pay, including the Sultan of Brunei, Larry Ellison, and God. - Make sure my pay ends up somewhere in the middle so it doesn't look
130703 -- suspicious.
130704 -- Dating in 2018 Your organic parts are unimpressive. - But, wow, your cyborg technology is scorching hot. - I knew my day would come. I want to make a robot with you.
130705 -- I migrated our northern data center to the cloud. - But the cloud stopped working and I can't find the phone number for our cloud guy. So...whatever. - YOU LOST OUR DATA CENTER? That's one way to look at it.
130706 -- There will be a planned power outage all day tomorrow. - But I want all of you to come to the office and sit at your desks in case our CEO stops by. - Because he like sit when we act stupid? It's better for everyone if we call it dedication.
130707 -- Our lawyer sent over a sixty-page contract renewal that I need you to review. - Make sure you compare it to the original contract and all six or seven amendments. - Are there six or...seven? No one really knows. - Check out our other nine hundred
130707 -- contracts to make sure this one doesn't violate any of those. - Keep in mind our five-year strategic plan and all likely changes to tax law. - Then get buy-in from the seventeen managers who hate my guts and will take it out on you. - By
130707 -- tomorrow. - Good leaders set high standards.
130708 -- Do you have any work I can do during this power outage? - You could meet with your project team. There's no way to contact them to schedule it. - Why did you even bring it up? Sometimes it's about the journey.
130709 -- The best I can give you is a 2% raise. - No problem. I'll just lower the quality of my work until my pay feels fair. - You can't do that. I'm taking side bets that say I can.
130710 -- I heard a rumor that you have two jobs and you outsource both of them to Elbonia and keep the difference. - That's crazy. I assure you I do NOT have two jobs oursource to Elbonia. - Is it more than two? That's a different conversation.
130711 -- We are continuing our "Eureka Program" to recognize that the best ideas come from employees. - I have ideas? - Well, that was a dry hole. Can I turn my cubicle into a dude ranch?
130712 -- You attend all of my project meetings but you never add value. - I'm more of a big idea guy-a conceptualist, if you will. - Okay, what's your big idea? Okay, here's where my system breaks down.
130713 -- It took us three days at the executive retreat to come up with a name for our new procurement policy. - We named it the "Procurement Operations Oversight Policy." P.O.O.P.? - Do you know how many managers it takes to come up with a good name? A
130713 -- few more than you had?
130714 -- THIS WEBSITE HAS BEEN BLOCKED BY YOUR COMPANY. - Mordac, I need access to a blocked site for business reasons. - I can only unblock the site if the Director of Human Resources sends me a written approval. - I can only make recommendations. Our
130714 -- CIO still has to approve it. - Chief Information Officer How dare you bother me with your trivial website problem! - Crawl back into your hole and think about the career mistake you just made! - - Can we skip the part where you ask me what I
130714 -- accomplished this week?
130715 -- Here's my card. Let me know if I can be of further assistance. - Your phone number is missing a digit and your E-Mail address doesn't have an @ symbol. - I didn't say it would be easy.
130716 -- Wally, are you almost dome with your part of the project? - I work best under pressure, so I wait until the deadline is almost here. - What if something more important comes up and you don't have time? That's the cornerstone of my system.
130717 -- Would you be my mentor? It's better for me if none of my underlings are qualified to take my job. - I think you just taught me something. GAAA!!! I HATE IT WHEN I DO THAT!
130718 -- We've been using the Dogbert Offsite Document Storage Service for five years, and frankly, I'm concerned. - Your service trucks look suspiciously like garbage trucks. - I would cancel your service if I could find the contract. It's in
130718 -- "storage."
130719 -- Our off-site document storage costs are growing out of control. - At this rate, our core business can be summarized as "put trees in jail." - This is when you say something wise and helpful. Trees are jerks.
130720 -- - - The mentor thing isn't for everyone. I don't know how this looks, but it feels great on the inside.
130721 -- I'm not sure what function men serve in the modern world. - My job pays well, so I have all the money I need. - If something in my house breaks, I either fix it or pay someone to fix it. - If I want a baby, I'll call a fertility doctor. - In
130721 -- today's world, men are little more than carriers of bad jokes and flatulence. - - My gardener mows my lawn. I GET IT!!! - That is disturbing. Not compared to the alternatives.
130722 -- I invented a digital currency that I call "Bertcoin". - Soon I will control all of the money in the entire world. BUWHAHAHAHA! - Maybe you should hide your identity. Maybe you should kiss my wagger.
130723 -- I'm mining for Bertcoins. It's a digital currency created by an anonymous genius. - Hey, I'm getting an E-Mail from a Somali fellow who wants me to open an attachment. - What happened to all of my Bertcoins? DIGITAL SOMALI PIRATES!
130724 -- Ignore the page revisions I sent out ten minutes ago. Your boss revised them again. - Can I ignore the new revisions, too? I'm only asking because that was my plan. - Thank you for removing the last shred of meaning from my work. It's what I
130724 -- do.
130725 -- You're the first employee in the company history to fail the online ethics course. - I protest the grading system! Ethics are subjective. There are no right answers! - You said you would kill a coworker if you knew you wouldn't get caught. It
130725 -- was hard to know what answer they were looking for.
130726 -- You failed the online ethics course for the third time. - You can't be an engineer for this company if you have no grasp of business ethics. - You leave me no choice. I'm putting you on the management fast track. Huh.
130727 -- Your brain scan shows tremendous management potential. - The part of your brain that would normally control ethics is filled with some sort of warm, brown liquid. - It appears that you speed-evolved part of your brain into a coffee reservoir.
130727 -- People think I don't have a plan.
130728 -- I accomplished nothing this week because I was in a training class. - I didn't approve any training expenses. A vendor paid for it. - You didn't ask for permission. I'm proactive and empowered. - And what was the name of this alleged class? -
130728 -- Advanced Scripting Structure for Internetwork Optimization of SQL Databases. - That doesn't sound real. I CAN'T DO MY JOB IF YOU DON'T TRUST ME! - Do you like how I combined aggressiveness with my baseline level of uselessness? - I have a good
130728 -- feeling about this. You might need more aggressiveness.
130729 -- Your first test on the management fast track involves rescuing a plastic baby and a bag of money from a weasel. - You must punch the weasel then catch the money and the baby before they reach the ground. - I found our next CEO. Wait...say those
130729 -- instructions again.
130730 -- Here's the hotshot that everyone say will someday take my job. - I'm going to mentor you so hard your intestines will end up in your skull. - I just figured out why people use the stairs.
130731 -- Can you attend out Tuesday meeting? I'll teleconference. - That will make me wonder if you called in, put your phone on mute, and took a nap. - We useless people call that weaselable doubt.
130801 -- According to the employee survey, 98% of you have no confidence in management. Evil Idiot. - Rest assured, management will make sure we never again get such a low score. - Cancel all future employee surveys.
130802 -- You didn't respond to my E-Mail, my text message, my voice mail, and the note I left on your desk. - Do you know what they call humans who fail the Turing test? - The what? Compared to you, high achievers.
130803 -- Productivity went down when we moved the engineers from private offices to cubicles. - Productivity went down again when we tried the open office plan. - Have we tried putting all of them in one clown car? No, but I don't see why that wouldn't
130803 -- work.
130804 -- How'd your call go? Better than I expected. - We spent the first 45 minutes trying to get our online collaboration tools to work. - Then we couldn't agree on what we were trying to accomplish. - I couldn't understand most of the attendees
130804 -- because they were on speakerphones in rooms with bad acoustics. - I randomly agreed to a few things, but I don't know what. - I thought you said it went better than you expected. - It did. I go into every human encounter expecting to be framed
130804 -- for a crime I didn't commit. - I really need to find a problem I can fix.
130805 -- When our CEO visits, don't ask him any questions. He hates questions. - And don't state. He hates it when people look at him. - May we breathe the air on his planet? Only the stuff he exhales.
130806 -- Are you married? I don't have a wife, but I do have WiFi. - I find that it meets all of my social and intellectual needs. - Do you miss the warmth of human contact? Never tried it. Sounds problematic.
130807 -- Do you think success is mostly a function of your genetic makeup or your upbringing? - My mom raised me by putting a warm thermos of coffee in my crib and going out for the day. And it turned out great. - I have no follow-up questions, in case
130807 -- you wondered. I'm not the curious type.
130808 -- What did our CEO have to say? He has a new strategy, but it seems vague. - What will the engineers think about it? They don't care about this stuff. - What exactly does a middle manager do? We're the glue that binds the apathy to the vague
130808 -- objectives.
130809 -- Ted, I don't want to fire you because that would be expensive. - So I'm borrowing a Japanese management technique and transferring you to a banishment room until you get so bored you quit. - Looks like someone underestimated my tolerance for
130809 -- boredom.
130810 -- I'm a aggressive recruiter looking for passive job seekers. - Passive job seekers are hidden gems for recruiters, and you're the most passive one I've ever seen. - STOP MAKING ME LOVE YOU! ZZZZZZ
130811 -- Can you approve the purchase of this software? - You need to run the software license past legal first. - You need to fill out a legal services request form. I'll E-Mail it to you. - Make sure you specify whether the software is open source or
130811 -- not. - How would I know if it meets your definition of open source? - It depends how the license is written. You'll need to ask legal to review it. - Never mind. I'll just forge your signature on the form. Maybe this is why I've never seen a
130811 -- software license.
130812 -- Recruiters Hey, is this a passive job seeker? zzzzz - Back off! I saw him first. This rope holds my place until he wakes up. zzzzz - I will pay you a thousand dollars to drop along straw in this cup.
130813 -- The government wants access to our customer records so they can look for terrorists. - Fine. No problem. They also want you to get a colonoscopy and send them the video. - Really? I'm going to say yes.
130814 -- Dilbert says the government wants me to film my colonoscopy and give them the video so they can check for terrorists. - That makes perfect sense. Terrorists come in all sizes and they like to hide in caves. - It seems like a violation of my
130814 -- privacy. Whose side are you on?
130815 -- Wear this biosensor so management can monitor your health during the day. - Wow. I didn't know you cared so much about my health. Oh, I do. - Employee 479 doesn't have shallow breathing. You can give that one some more work.
130816 -- I heard you got booted off the fast management track. Yeah. - I fell asleep during the small animal snuff film and failed the sociopath module. - That seems harsh. I offered to punch a squirrel, but they don't allow extra credit.
130817 -- Carol, I consider you family. Great. - You're lumping me in with a bunch of misfits, morons, and drunks. Get out of my sight, creep. - Just like home.
130818 -- Wally, this is my brother Phil, the Prince of Insufficient Light. - I asked him to interpret your accomplishments for this quarter. - You have 25 alleged accomplishments. - Eight of these accomplishments involved simply being on a project team
130818 -- that did something. - Nine accomplishments involved fixing problems you created. - Five of these are just buzzwords that don't mean anything. - And three are duplicates that you reworded to appear different. - I'd recommend harvesting his
130818 -- organs, but those probably don't work either. That's just mean.
130819 -- What's my motivation today? - You're a temporary arrangement of matter sliding toward oblivion in a cold, uncaring universe. - That's it? Did I already say "needy"?
130820 -- My motivation is low today. I understand it's your job to fix that situation. - An insincere attaboy or a fake interest in my life would be enough. - Drop dead and let the flies eat you. I set the bar too high again.
130821 -- I'm practicing my urgent-looking walk. - This walk says I'm working on stuff that is so important I can't risk wasting five seconds. - Who is that magnificent creature? That man has someplace to be!
130822 -- Dear Wally, you have been nominated for an academy award... - ...for your convincing portrayal of an employee who does actual work. - Do you think you'll win? It's a dishonor just to be nominated.
130823 -- When I said you should dress for the job you want, not the job you have... - I shouldn't have needed to be more specific than that. - You have a way of making everything sound like it's my fault.
130824 -- I AM MORDAC, THE PREVENTER OF INFORMATION SERVICES, AND I AM IMMORTAL! - Actually, in a few years your function will be either distributed across existing organizations or outsourced. - Well, that was a total buzzkill.
130825 -- I've been asked to explain our disaster preparedness plan. - In the event of famine, turn your keyboard upside down and shake. - If it's anything like mine. you'll find a pound and a half of crumbs. - In the event of an alien invasion, your
130825 -- best bet is to kill a co-worker and show your allegiance to the lizard-people. - In the event of an impending collision with an asteroid, try running in place while the earth rotates. - If you time it right, you'll be on the other side of the
130825 -- planet when the asteroid hits. - To prepare for every other type of disaster, I recommend cultivating a taste for human flesh. mmm-mmm - Your presentation is a disaster. And next time you'll be prepared for it.
130826 -- It's the new guy's first day and he's calling in sick. - His message says he was putting on his shirt and got caught in an arm hole. - Good hire. I had that same problem with my pants.
130827 -- How'd you get the black eye? - I was pulling up my blanket in bed. My hand slipped and I punched myself in the face. - Okay, let's make some billion-dollar technology decisions.
130828 -- I won't give my opinion because I don't want to influence your recommendation. - Good idea. My well-informed mind is so easily swayed by your charismatic ignorance. - That's not what I'm saying. Then who did I hear?
130829 -- Here is your coffee, as requested. - Some guy tried to take the last cup so I strangled him and put his remains down the garbage disposal. - It's weird how that makes the coffee taste so much better.
130830 -- You keep giving me trivial assignments that make me doubt my self-worth. - Chill out. You don't hear the microwave whining all day long. - He doesn't know that the machine word for "please kill me" is "beep." *beep
130831 -- I need a budget estimate for your project. One billion dollars. - That doesn't sound reasonable. I'll shout numbers and you can stop me when one sounds reasonable. - Please stop being you. ELEVEN!
130901 -- Uh.oh, it's that guy. - You never returned any of my messages. - I was busy. For six months? - Well, no...for only a week. But it would have been awkward to respond after ignoring you for so long. - So your plan was to avoid me forever even
130901 -- though we work on the same floor? - No. I've seen the quality of your work and I figured there was a 60% chance... - ...that you would die in a workplace accident that the average idiot could easily avoid. - For the record, I'm the one who was
130901 -- trying to avoid this conversation.
130902 -- I put your budget estimates into a spreadsheet as you asked. - A well-fertilized shrub sprouted out of my iPad. - What dies this mean? That's how you know the budget is done.
130903 -- Alice, do you have a... GAAA!!! - MY DAY HAS BEEN ONE INTERRUPTION AFTER ANOTHER! - YOU MADE MY SPHINCTER EAT MY UNDERPANTS! Yeah, I do that now.
130904 -- The big tech firms say they no longer care about hiring people who have prestigious degrees. - Obviously, they're trying to sucker the rest of us into hiring idiots while they vacuum up the people from top schools. shloop shloop - We need to get
130904 -- in on this. We could say we get good results by hiring accused murderers who are out on bail.
130905 -- I don't need to see your resume. That's the old way of hiring. - Now we use data from the Internet to see what you've been up lately. Ew. - I'll show myself out. You'll understand if I don't shake your hand.
130906 -- We lost all of our company data and our backups, too. - So I hacked into our government's secret database where they keep records of everything we say or do and got it all back. - I feel as if I should be doing something now. Nah. Everything is
130906 -- working fine.
130907 -- You hacked into a government database and stole sensitive information. - Technically, it was my company's information that your spy software stole first. I was just stealing it back. - So we're good here, right? Yeah, that's how it works.
130908 -- If you finish your project in twelve months, I'll give you a five percent raise. - I would gladly give up five percent of my future pay to avoid a doubling of my workload. - You don't understand. I'm giving you an incentive to work harder. -
130908 -- No, I'm pretty sure you're charging me five percent of my future pay to sit here and feel disgruntled. - And it's working. - I hate you more than ever and I no longer find meaning in my work. - My dreams lie broken and empty beneath the ruins
130908 -- of my optimism. - I can't tell if you're negotiating or dying. It's a little of both.
130909 -- The government arrested Dilbert for stealing back the data their spy software stole from us. - Whose side are we on? Well, I'm not crazy about the government. - But Dilbert can be a pain in the spanx, too. Have you ever tried apathy? It's
130909 -- awesome.
130910 -- Abducted by the Government We're going to waterboard you now. - Really? Cool. I don't get touched a lot, so I think I'll enjoy it. - Is that all the water you brought? Okay, this got creepy.
130911 -- Maybe a few days in solitary will make you tell us how you stole the government's data. - Is this the cell with the hidden tunnel? The what? - I'll be at the Elbonian embassy. tap tap
130912 -- I'm looking for the Elbonian embassy. You found it. - It's just me and this card table. If you need asylum, pull up a a chair. - Has anyone ever called you an "Embacile"? That's clever. I like it.
130913 -- Dilbert Seeks Asylum at Elbonia's Embassy We don't have a lot of fancy technology in our embassy. - If you want to send a message to the outside world, carve it on a peanut and give it to a squirrel. - The squirrel would eat the peanut. WOW!
130913 -- You do NOT trust squirrels.
130914 -- Your son is a traitor who stole top-secret data from his own government. - We'd like you to talk him into leaving the Elbonian embassy so we can execute him for treason. - tap tap
130915 -- Don't make any product changes without change orders. - When users ask for new features, direct them to the online change order system. - That system only has the old forms. - Tell someone to put the new ones on there. - That would require a
130915 -- change order. - Maybe we could tell users our sense of hope was killed by something called management. - Then we could sort of slump over like we're waiting for death's cold embrace. - I'll get back to you if I think of a better plan.
130916 -- I thought you were on the run for hacking the government's databases. I was. - But they forgot to reset their passwords, so I deleted my case file and gave myself a tax break. - Did you get me anything? You're the new face on pennies.
130917 -- I'm starting a new business as a professional liar. - I'll provide alibis, job references, annual reports, and that sort of thing. - Were you born evil? It feels as if someone else had a hand in it.
130918 -- Today I'll teach you how to innovate the way Apple, Google, and 3M do it. - Replace all of your dimwitted employees with smart people...then fire yourselves. Fire Hire - The rest is just blah, blah, blah. Should we be taking notes?
130919 -- How's the innovation going? Amazing. It couldn't be better. - Right now it's all happening in my mind. But if any of it gets out, I'll let you know. - I think it's fair to say I managed the bejeezus out of that situation.
130920 -- What's taking you so long on the project? - The application is unstable because the data model is driven by an overly complex relational database and there was no integration testing. - Does any of that mean the same as "lazy"?
130921 -- What's your take on code consistency versus best practices for legacy systems? - I want all of that stuff and I want it now. - When people ask what you do for a living, what the $%@* do you say?
130922 -- I'm panicked about my presentation tomorrow. - Relax. What's the worst thing that could happen? - Well, I could embarrass myself in a career-ending way. - O. I didn't think about that one. - It might be so bad that you can't even get a
130922 -- recommendation for a future job. - Than you'd have an emotional meltdown followed by substance abuse, untreated health issues and a lonely death. - And it could all happen because of something as trivial as a typo on one of your slides. - I
130922 -- guess I can add "comforting" to my list of things I'm not good at.
130923 -- Our corporate structure is so complicated that I have no idea where our money comes from. - I think it comes from derivatives or offshore accounts or maybe goodwill. - Or maybe customers give us money. I hope not. I don't like to feel beholden.
130924 -- Dogbert the Executive Coach The ROI for executive coaching is 9,000% Wow! That's a lot! - But I need a coach who won't ask me to do anything differently. - I wasn't planning to show up for our meetings. Perfect. How much do I owe you for today?
130925 -- Executive Coaching Research shows that CEOs are more likely to be psychopaths. - Obviously, being a psychopath works. Don't let anyone tell you different. - How's your grandiose sense of self-worth? IT'S THE BEST. I SHOULD KILL YOU FOR ASKING.
130926 -- I got your stupid email with your stupid link to that stupid scientific study. - I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR SO-CALLED "FACTS." I KNOW I'M RIGHT! - Winning an argument never FEELS like winning.
130927 -- My therapist says I have low self-esteem. I like where this is heading. - I'm drawn to guys who treat me poorly. You sound crazy. - JERK. In my defense, you send mixed signals.
130928 -- We replaced out entire marketing department with one evil genius. - My optogenetic technology (already works on mice) can rewire the neural pathways of our customers and change their preferences. - You like gray. I like to be gay.
130929 -- Okay, you talked me into buying the Deluxe Edition. - We don't have that one in stock, but I could call around to our other stores. - Technically, that means that this is not actually a store. - You're more like online shopping but with a
130929 -- terrible user interface. - Watch me but that same item with my phone while you stand there being obsolete. - click* And...done. - Did they try to sell you an unnecessary warranty extension? No. - YES! I STILL HAVE A PURPOSE! Here's my digital
130929 -- receipt.
130930 -- I heard that marketing's optogenetic device tweaked some of your preferences. Yup. - Now I'm a gay anarchist who loves football and string cheese. - Sounds like a big adjustment. Well, the cheese part came easily...
131001 -- You're lazy, undependable and disruptive. - That's why I can't give you a raise this year. - How'd it go? He blamed the victim.
131002 -- Build a hyperloop to connect every major city in the world with superfast transportation. - The vision was the hard part. You idiots can work on the details. - Someone pat me on the back. I can't reach it with my t-rex arms.
131003 -- I'm happy to report that I spent 50% more time in meetings this quarter. - THAT'S NOT AN ACCOMPLISHMENT! MEETINGS ARE A COMPLETE WASTE OF TIME! - How would I have learned that without this meeting?
131004 -- Our products are getting worse every day. - But our marketing keeps improving. We're very close to the point where our customers will give us money for no reason. - Then we can give ourselves huge raises and do not work at all. I like
131004 -- everything you sad, except the "we" part.
131005 -- Our policy is to promote from within. - How will you backfill the jobs of the people you promoted? - From within. That's one of your better plans.
131006 -- Who's up for some peer coaching? What? - It's the latest thing. Then it must be good. - I'll complain about all of my work problems while you sit there and listen. - Then you'll ask insightful questions that will cause me to come up with my own
131006 -- solutions. Okay. - Have you considered the possibility that you cause all of your own problems by um...being you? - You're terrible at this. - But that's no surprise because you're terrible at most things. - I hope you die badly. Do I ask
131006 -- another insightful question now?
131007 -- I'm a headhunter and I know someone who wants to offer you a much better job. Yes! - I like to soften up the room before I go for my performance review. - I didn't do swat this year. Doesn't matter to me!
131008 -- Salesman vs. Engineer Can you offer us a discount? - I had something like that in mind, except of giving a discount, I would hit you with a chair and run away. - Please don't do that. Okay, but I'll have to charge you extra.
131009 -- Bring me solutions, not complaints. Okay. - Let's abolish the layer of management that does nothing but demand solutions. - Now you're just being a jerk. Is that a complaint?
131010 -- Are you okay? You don't look well. - I'm an introvert. Being near you is draining the energy from my body. - I'm not sure how to take that. I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS!
131011 -- You claim to be an introvert and yet you never seem to be drained when you talk to me. - That's because you don't put off a human vibe. I experience you the same way I experience birds, furniture and robots. - You totally get me. Don't talk.
131012 -- Behold my new invention, the likes of which the world has never seen. - Behold my Google search engine that will find several existing products that do whatever that thing does. - Please don't. Google: crushing dreams since 1998. click click
131012 -- click
131013 -- I read an article that says leaders should acknowledge the achievements of their underlings. - Have you done anything lately that warrants some praise? - Well...I'm under budget because I forgot to staff one of our projects. - Okay. I can work
131013 -- with that. - Now I think I'm supposed to pat you on the head or something. - Let's try that and see how we feel. - - Stop leaning in. Feels...so...good.
131014 -- Every time I think I've invented something, I find out it already exists. - Maybe that's because all minds are connected by the morphic field. - Morphic fields are pseudo-science, mon. I also blame your dad's crappy genes.
131015 -- People used to think it took 10,000 hours of practice to become an expert. - But now people think the amount of practice you need depends on your genetic makeup. - So you'd be good to go after a million or so hours. See why I don't bother?
131016 -- Dogbert: Executive Coach You need to focus on your career or your family. You can't do both. - I don't have a family. Actually, you're married and you have for kids. - That sounds like a huge hassle. Perhaps you've already chosen.
131017 -- You didn't handle this the way I told you. - In my defense, you're under-informed and less clever than me. - I was hoping he'd say, "good point," but it went another direction.
131018 -- I'm working on a new facial expression to scare away the weak. Want to see it? No. - GAAA!!! - That one means I'm too busy to talk. I SAID NO! I SAID NO! I SAID NO!
131019 -- Why is your project taking longer than expected? - It's only taking longer than dumb people expected. - Still, that's a lot of people. What can I say to make this conversation end?
131020 -- What do you do for a living? I'm a social media consultant. - I like you. Phhht. - You're giving me ONE like? - Anything less than ten thousand likes is an insult. - I'll be right back. - I hired an Elbonian consultant to artificially inflate
131020 -- your like count. - Like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like. - I am not paying that guy.
131021 -- I'd like you to meet the two trolls who create our annual budget. - Why do we need two of them? - Because it's hard to reach into your own... Whoa! It's better to keep some mystery.
131022 -- Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources We're jumping on the fad of giving employees unlimited vacation days. - The only gating factor will be the knowledge that taking any time off whatsoever will torpedo your career. - So...now our
131022 -- vacations will be a source of stress? Only as much as you want. It's totally up to you.
131023 -- I'm planning to take advantage of our new unlimited vacation policy. I'll be gone for two hundred days in the coming year. - And I guarantee I will still double my productivity compare to the prior year. - There's no way to measure productivity
131023 -- for engineers. Good to know.
131024 -- Hey, meat-bags! I'm here to take your jobs! - Ha ha! Not really. I won't have that capability for two or three years. - When did you learn humor? Humor? I was going for cruelty.
131025 -- My chair is squeaky. How do IO fix that? squeak squeak - DIE! - And now your chair is oiled. Mostly the cushion.
131026 -- Futurists say that someday humans will have the know-how to create an entire universe. - Where would they put it? - We should do these brown bag lunches less often SLURP ooo
131027 -- I'd like to recognize Ted for writing his part of the code in just two days. - How many days was it supposed to take? - At least a week, I would think. Why would you think that? - Because it was so hard to do. Who told you it was hard? - Ted id.
131027 -- - All he did was delete some lines from existing code and recompile it. - It was hard. See! - Do you have any more crazy conspiracy theories?
131028 -- According to studies, employees will work harder if they think their managers care about them. - But that's hard for me because you're basically a sausage casing full of coffee and rotting organs. - That must have stung. Less than you think.
131029 -- The key to great leadership is setting clear expectations and periodically revising them as conditions change. - If you plan to revise expectations, that tells me you know them to be faulty now. - Maybe. Stop inspiring me so much.
131030 -- I hired a dessicated to teach on etiquette class to you engineering heathens. - She'll help you stop eating your business lunches like kidnap victims. - When do you use this fork? When I'm too lazy to make a shive?
131031 -- Etiquette Training The napkin goes in your lap. - HONK - IT'S NOT A HANDKERCHIEF! It sort of is. HONK
131101 -- Who wants to go first with the brainstorming? - I suggest we ignore all of the studies that by brainstorming doesn't work. - Now I hate you a little extra. - Because I agreed with your plan?
131102 -- Tina, I asked your to write up the BEST ideas from our brainstorming session. - The top one on your list is "a robot made out of lunch meat." - That's basically just a human. What part of "best ideas" is confusing you?
131103 -- We only succeed when we treat each other with respect. - Are you video-recording me with those Google glasses? Huh? - YOU'RE FIRED FOR RECORDING A CONFIDENTIAL MEETING! - PACK YOUR BAGS, YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF GARBAGE! - I GOT YOUR FINAL CHECK
131103 -- RIGHT HERE! - These are my regular glasses. - Having cleared that up, you were saying something about respect? - Settle down, four-eyes. This isn't over.
131104 -- Every time I leave the lab, some jerk steals my cables and replaces them with their bad ones. - Then I have to spend hours stealing back one cable at a time and testing each one. - Doesn't that make YOU one of the cable-stealing jerks? You've
131104 -- never met a problem you couldn't worsen.
131105 -- Do you know who keeps taking my good cables and replacing them with defective ones? - Certainly not me. But I did see an Elbonian wearing a ski mask near your bench. - I'm not good at reading people. I'm counting on that.
131106 -- Okay, Skype. Let's see if I can figure out how to shut you down. - CLOSE! QUIT! SIGN OUT! MINIMIZE! QUIT! YES! CLOSE! QUIT! DIE! DIE! DIE! click click click click click - Did you close Skype? Almost. I'm heading to the ocean to drown it.
131107 -- Do you know why I need to carry a company-issued phone plus my own phone? No. - I think it's because our company policy was written by chimps who time-traveled from the fifties. - Or do you have a better explanation? I really don't.
131108 -- I'd like to thank myself for my great leadership on the project. Awesome - Some of you did useful things too, but only because I threatened to fire you if you didn't. So don't let it go to your heads. - I hope you didn't tell them they did good
131108 -- work. No, that makes them greedy.
131109 -- I like my job. But I don't like any of the tasks...or any of the people. - I don't like the commute...and I'm paid less than I'm worth...and I'm not making the world a better place. - Are you SURE you like your job? Why do you ask?
131110 -- I'll need to know if your device is compatible with our existing system. - It's 100% compatible with your system. - I didn't even tell you what system we have. - That doesn't matter. - It sort of does. Not for me. - So you don't really know if
131110 -- it will work? I'm entitled to my opinion. - IGNORANCE IS NOT AN OPINION!! - Please stay on the line for a brief survey.
131111 -- I added a biometric sensor to our smartphone prototype. - ZZEEEP It uses x-rays. - Maybe you should have tested it on animals first. Do I look like an animal hater?
131112 -- Anyone whose phone rings during this meeting will be fired on the spot. - RRRING! - Stop judging me with your eyes. It's the only thing that keeps them open.
131113 -- Keep talking. I can multitask. - Studies show that multitasking with interruptions can lower I.Q. by ten points. You don't have that much to spare. - I disagree with whatever you said. I said you're competent.
131114 -- Our new strategy is to lower our price to increase sales. - So our strategy is to start a price war and drive our profit margin to zero? - It made sense at the executive retreat. Was alcohol involved?
131115 -- I see myself as a leader in the mold of Steve Jobs. - Try rinsing your entire body with vinegar. That might remove his mold. - Are wa talking about the same thing? Please don't touch anything I own.
131116 -- Our competitors have a technology for reading brain waves at a distance. - This shielded helmet will prevent them from reading the company secrets in your mind. - You owe me $20. The bet was that he has to wear the trash can for a week.
131117 -- I've got a bad case of what experts call the "sitting disease." - Studies show that people who sit all day for their jobs have a 40% greater chance of dying in the next three years. - Company policy says safety is more important that
131117 -- productivity, right? - Um...sort of. - So instead of sitting at my desk working, I plan to walk around and drink coffee. - For safety reasons. - Go sit at your desk or you're fired. - There's a good chance this problem sill solve itself within
131117 -- three years.
131118 -- Thanks for being flexible in these negotiations. You're a good sport. - And by good sport, I mean good loser. - And by good loser, I mean loser. Some people call it generous.
131119 -- Hi. I'm an engineer. - That means I have excellent employment potential and I can fix things around the house. - How are your social skills? Wow. Look who wants the moon.
131120 -- As I understand it, your job is to match employees with the right assignments. - None of my projects turned out well, which means you did a terrible job. - I'm not asking for an apology. Just follow your conscience.
131121 -- How's your creativity coming along? I don't have any. - Your management style makes me focus all of my energy on staying out of trouble. - YOUR INSUBORDINATION IS UNACCEPTABLE! And there it is.
131122 -- Thank you for sharing your project updates. - I didn't understand any of your tedious techno-yammering, but that doesn't matter. - Why doesn't that matter? It just doesn't.
131123 -- A great leader hires good people and gives them the freedom to do their jobs. - But I don't have the budget to hire good  people. So I settle for micromanaging the half-wits I can afford. - Your boss was just here saying the same thing.
131124 -- Let's drink coffee together while I say wise things about business. - Nothing would make us happier. Whataya got? - The only reason to have meetings is to make decisions. - That sounded very wise. Totally. - I know. I'm kind of proud of that
131124 -- one. So what happens when you get into a meeting and realize you don't have all of the information you need to make a decision? - - This works better if you two don't talk.
131125 -- I'll sell you the rights to use Linux for one million dollars. - After the first month, you only need to pay for every upgrade. - It sounds too good to be true. It's not as I'm giving it away for free.
131126 -- Experts say lazy employees are the best because they know how to find shortcuts. - So you found a lot of shortcuts? Me? No. I'm not lazy. I'm useless. - Then why did you bring it up? Why wouldn't I? I'm not lazy.
131127 -- Our Christmas party will be in January because December will be too busy. - I'm sure the all might creator of the universe doesn't mind we do things on your schedule, not his. - What could go wrong? I hear thunder.
131128 -- I'm from the government. We've been monitoring your Internet activity. - Half of my department went blind and the other half needs counseling. - Sounds like not my problem. We'd like to weaponize you.
131129 -- The government would like to use your browser history as a firewall against Elbonian hackers. - One look at what you're up to will make them blind and crazy. I know because it worked on me. - A Week Alter in Elbonia That's probably a fluke. You
131129 -- try.
131130 -- I'm looking for thought diversity in my hiring. That's a thing now. - Really? That's a dumb thing. All you end up is a bunch of people who can't agree. - How do you like thought diversity now? That fad didn't last long.
131201 -- I'm proud to announce the winner in the CEO's technology challenge. - Two weeks ago, I challenged you to come up with innovative ideas for getting fresh water to Elbonia. - The winner is someone named Wally. - Wally's idea for bringing fresh
131201 -- water to Elbonia is... - "In a box." - That's the best one? We only had one entry. - I hate your bald guts. I get that a lot. - If you need me, I'll be i my cubicle thinking up award-winning ideas.
131202 -- I hired people who have different perspectives so we could enjoy the benefits of thought diversity. - But they disagree with everything I say, so I have to assume they're all idiots. - Am I right? Totally.
131203 -- It takes money to make money. - Where did the money first come from? - I'm pretty sure it takes money to WASTE money, too. PLEAS STOP TALKING!
131204 -- How was your weekend? - I wrapped myself in a blanket and stayed on the couch watching bad TV shows until I smelled like a gym sock with halitosis. - I like how she makes me feel.
131205 -- You're not allowed to use Facebook at work. - Fine. I'll use it at home tonight instead of doing the three hours of unpaid work I was planning to do. - I'm calling that a win.
131206 -- I want to use Facebook to waste time at work, but I don't have any friends. - Do you mind if I friend you? Sure. You'll be my only friend. - Will you post things for me to look at? Wow. Friends are totally inconvenient.
131207 -- You keep pressing the public address button when you make calls. - We can't tell if you're talking to your doctor or you're really, really bad at talking dirty to your wife. - I use one to practice the other.
131208 -- I have studied the practices of famous leaders so you can copy them. - First, work sixteen hours every day. DAY 8 LAZY 16 WORK - SIXTEEN HOURS??? - And in your spare time, you should be reading about your industry to stay current. - READING???
131208 -- - Oookay. This isn't working. Suppose I told you that famous leaders eat a lot of cake? - - That took a creepy turn.
131209 -- Hello, random subordinate that I am seeing in the hallway! - I'm your CEO, but I'm still like a regular person. My name is Asok. - I only touch people who own boats.
131210 -- I've been asked to vet my idea with my peers. - To save time, I am willing to stipulate that you hate all ideas that are not your own. - All in favor? I hate THIS idea, too.
131211 -- Did you vet this idea with your peers? They hated it. - They also say you're incompetent and annoying, so how much can we really trust their opinions? - It DOES sound as if they're wrong a lot. Exactly.
131212 -- Our company needs more people like you. - Not just mode. We need INFINITE people just like you. - Where is this going? And if each of you had a typewriter, WOW!
131213 -- We need to foster a culture of innovation. Does anyone have an idea how we can do that? - You could give us less work. And you could stop criticizing every idea we ever have. - Does anyone have a suggestion that ISN'T ridiculous?
131214 -- When the managers meet to talk about promotions, I'll fight for you. - Are you saying my future depends on YOUR effectiveness and not MINE? - This went differently than I expected. WHY? WHY? WHY?
131215 -- What's that awful smell? My new fragrance. - It's half pepper spray and half gym sock. - It has a dual purpose. - The pepper spray is so I can build up an immunity against it. - That'll probably come in handy someday. Right? - The second
131215 -- purpose is to create an odiferous moat around me to discourage the weaker romantic applicants. - UNH!!! - I might need to tweak the formula.
131216 -- If we raise $40,000 for charity, I will shave my head. - And if we raise no money at all, I will shave MY head. - That's messed up. Is it?
131217 -- I got the incomprehensible note you left on my desk. - I wanted to let you know that I "flermmed the plootash" just as you asked. - What makes you this way? Maybe my DNA is flermmed,
131218 -- Is that a picture of your kids? No personal items are allowed in cubicles! - It's not personal. My kids are only in for the money. - It's more of a gray area than you'd think.
131219 -- Hey, look! There's a story on the Internet about your fabulous CEO lifestyle. - Here's a picture of your yacht, your penthouse in New York, your palatial estate, and your priceless art. - This really isn't the time. Said the man with the
131219 -- million-dollar watch.
131220 -- The Noncommittal Committee. Does everyone agree with the plan? - It depends. Ask me later. Eh. I'll think about it. MAKE A DECISION!!! Is this your first day?
131221 -- You need to work less. Your productivity is making us look bad. - If you keep being productive, we will hunt you down. It it's easy. - About the peer review concept...I don't think you thought it through.
131222 -- I found a way to automate the hardest part of my job. - I used to do a lot of "management by walking around." It was exhausting. - Now I just send my drone. - I designed it myself and had it built in Elbonia. - The hydrogen makes it lighter
131222 -- than air. Hydrogen? - Let's see what Ted is up to. He's wearing a wool sweater today. - OH, THE HUMANITY! - Hold this.
131223 -- Experts say I should surround myself with people who are positive influences. - I'M ON A CALL! - I think I absorbed some bad energy. Go away before you bum me out.
131224 -- I traced all of our problems back to your lack of creativity. - You should be creating ideas that change the course of civilization, but instead, you sit there like a lump. - I'm sending you a link that describes fun ways to choke yourself.
131225 -- Merry Christmas! This gift is based on the Copenhagen interpretation of quantum mechanics. - There's a cat in here that is neither dead nor alive. - Where are the airholes? I have control issues.
131226 -- The key to success is having passion for what you do! - You make a good point. I quit. I'm out of here. Me too. - You promised me they wouldn't listen. It caught me by surprise too.
131227 -- I hired an engineer from Google. He's so smart that he evolved into a lifeform that exists as pure energy. - BOW BEFORE MY GREATNESS, YOU PITIFUL HUMANS! - Sometimes he's a bit arrogant. I ONCE ADDED A FEATURE TO GMAIL!
131228 -- BEHOLD MY GREATNESS! I WAS AN ENGINEER AT GOOGLE BEFORE I EVOLVED TO PURE ENERGY! - Behold my apathy that will suck the energy out of you like a monkey on an orange. - Good boy. Right in the cup.
131229 -- You take everything wrong. What's THAT supposed to mean? - For example, suppose I say you're photogenic. - Are you saying I don't look good when you see me in person? - There it was. There was what? - It's the thing you do to turn everything
131229 -- into a negative. - OH, SO I'M A MONSTER. IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING??!! - Yes. Good, That's the vibe I'm going for. - I'm just saying you're totally nailing it. Watch this! GRRRR!
131230 -- Experts say we need to be willing to kill or cannibalize our best businesses. - I can do that. I've been killing our best businesses for years. - That's all the leadership I have for you today. That'll last me.
131231 -- Dogbert Consults I'll teach you the best practices of companies that have nothing in common with yours. - Those practices will fit your company like a foot in a glove. - Close enough.
140101 -- Dogbert News Network In today's news, people all over the world continued to act like idiots. - Most of the time it didn't turn out well. - For details, look in your mirror.
140102 -- Experts say you should format your presentation like a "hero's journey." - "Eventually, the plucky engineer finished his PowerPoint slides despite interference from a pointy-haired monster." - Experts never warn you about that part.
140103 -- Criticize the BEHAVIOR, not the person. - The E-Mail you sent to everyone looks as if it had been written by a monkey on crack. - Just to be clear YOU are terrific, but everything you DO is exactly what a moron would do.
140104 -- I bought you some muffins so I won't need to watch my weight. - If I fatten up the people around me, I'll look good even if I gain a few pounds. - Won't that make you look mean? In phase two, I'll also make you angrier than me.
140105 -- I'm trying out a new philosophy for my life. - My new motto is "live for today." - If you live for today, how do you avoid starving tomorrow? - If you do one little thing wrong today, it could ruin every minute of the rest of your life. -
140105 -- So...I should live for the future? No, that would ruin today. - I recommend living for the past. - My past was no fun. Pretend you were someone else. - My philosophy is that my name was Gustav and I traded beaver pelts. Stop ruining my
140105 -- present.
140106 -- Ted, I'm moving you to a newly formed strategic engineering group. - Are you putting all of your worst employees in one group so you can later eliminate the function and avoid firing each person individually? - You picked a bad time to become
140106 -- insightful.
140107 -- The iron sculpture in our lobby fell off its base and crushed a security guard. - And that's where we get the word "ironic." - It happened ten minutes ago. Oh, so it's "too soon"?
140108 -- Experts say I can increase your engagement by caring for your emotional well-being. - I would give you a hug, but I'm afraid of getting whatever made you this way. - But I am willing to touch a rat that touches you, and that's not nothing. Put
140108 -- it on my neck.
140109 -- I want the health benefits of hugging without the hassle of a relationship. - This rat is like a a patch that increases my oxytocin levels. - I thought we were in love. That's your oxytocin talking.
140110 -- It boosts my Oxytocin levels without the need for human contact. - You didn't invent that. I've had a family of chipmunks living in my hair since the eighties. - There goes our privacy. LESS TALKING, MORE RUBBING!
140111 -- Hello, underling. Watch me do a self-deprecating joke to underscore my true power. - Ho ho! I am not good at some types of unimportant tasks! Ha ha! - That's why I'm glad I have people like you to do those things. Impressive.
140112 -- You had a great idea about upgrading our customer support software. - I don't remember having that idea. It was genius. - Well, that does sound like something I would suggest. - We'll need budget approval, but that should be no problem for you.
140112 -- - Duh. Obviously I'll fund my idea. It's genius. - I'll need to delay my other projects, but, as you said, those are lower priorities. - I said that? It was very wise of you. - How did you get funding for your idea? I had to bossify it.
140113 -- We need employees that are motivated by our vision, not by money. - Are we looking for any other mental problems or just that one? - I'm also a big fan of low self-esteem. It comes in handy at performance review time.
140114 -- The good news is that we're going to test a new fuel source for you. - The bad news is that the fuel source is organic waste material. - It's awkward for me too. Just close your eyes, OK?
140115 -- I want to be more visionary than Elon Musk. All he does is build spaceships and electric cars. - I want you to build me an electric rocket ship full of robots that can colonize other world. - Which planet should we do first? Depends on how long
140115 -- the power cord is.
140116 -- I can't do my budget projections until you tell me your priorities for the coming year. - Then you say, "everything is a top priority. Fuh-fuh-fuh-fuh-fuh." - I hope this is what you meant by "bring me solutions, not problems."
140117 -- Ask the vendor if they have a software patch to fix our problem. - I already asked for the patch, installed it, and thoroughly tested it in production. - I think I'll go add value someplace else. That's a good place to do it.
140118 -- You're mentally weak. - You have no ambition, no pride, and no self-respect. - I'm also the happiest person in this room. Now I just want to kill you.
140119 -- We discovered that our product name is an insult in the Elbonian language. - So I hired an Elbonian to review our new choices. - GAAA!!! - You have offended Bixtappa, the Deity of Unseasonably Warm Weather and Twice-baked Potatoes. - Our
140119 -- tradition says I must now strangle you wait a mud adder. - Luckily, I brought one. - Do Elbonians have a lot of deities? No, just the one. - He seems easily offended. GRAB THE HEAD AND YANK!
140120 -- HAPPY MONDAY! - Thanks to your slavish pursuit of management fads, I feel engaged and motivated! - It's sort of creepy. I LOVE being manipulated!
140121 -- The key to career success is finding your special gift. - My special gift is getting paid for doing nothing but babbling jargon. - Maybe I should lead by example. Maybe you already did.
140122 -- I don't have the data you requested last week because I didn't know how you wanted it formatted. - You could have asked. That's only obvious in hindsight. - Why does everyone stare at me that way?
140123 -- The key to success is to follow your instinct. - My instinct tells me to slap you until you stop babbling nonsense. - Please don't do that. Relax. I have a good feeling about it.
140124 -- This report says you slapped our CEO senseless after he said the key to success is following your instinct. - I was following my instinct. I was also being passionate, engaged and creative. - Apparently, the things you say actually mean stuff.
140124 -- HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?
140125 -- Alice, I'm adding Jeff to your project team. - That's like trying to put out a forest fire by dropping a baby into it. - I'm available to help, too. Okay, your job is to keep Jeff from doing anything.
140126 -- What's the newest management jargon I need to pretend to understand? - Experts say you should engage employees and follow from the front. - Does that mean anything? No one knows. - Just to be safe, you should tell people you're doing it. -
140126 -- Should I act as if I'm passionate, or is this more of a fake caring situation? - Beats me. Try combining the two. - Fake passion plus fake caring. - My uncle died. WOOT!!! WHAT WAS HIS NAME?!
140127 -- Our big data analysis tells us that only the top performers leave for higher pay. - Since you're still here, it means your performance is average at best. - THAT'S NOT FAIR! That's what all the average people say.
140128 -- We won the bid to build a fleet of small drones for retail package delivery. - I'm not sure why they call their customers infidels, but I doubt that's important. - You'll be working with their design guy, whose name is Mullah John Smith.
140129 -- I discovered that the customer for our fleet sale of commercial drones is an international terrorist. - Now we have to cancel the order, take a big hit to earnings, an decimate the value of your stock options in the company. - Or...I could
140129 -- transfer you to a department that has a poor safety record and hope for the best.
140130 -- You're being too negative lately. - Am I negative or am I a good communicator surrounded by terrible ideas? - JUST TRY TO BE MORE POSITIVE! Okay, I'm all fixed now. Good job on the leadership.
140131 -- I can't tell if you're passive-aggressive or just incompetent. - Which one sends a message that I could do good work if you threatened me more? - Passive-aggressive. Okay. I'm the other one.
140201 -- I need someone to mentor our new hire, but every one of you is dysfunctional. - So I'm having our office robot do the mentoring. It can't be worse than you basket cases. - So...human life is LESS important than office equipment? Far less. It's
140201 -- not even close.
140202 -- We're going to use the Jeff Bezos rule of meetings. - Bezos says you should never have a meeting that is so big you can't feed everyone with two pizzas. - I can eat two pizzas by myself. - How do you count the people who have gluten sensitivity
140202 -- and don't eat pizza? - If I apply Zeno's paradox to the slice size, can I have infinite attendees? - And what does it mean to "feed" everyone? Do they need to be totally full? - STOP BEING ENGINEERS! - How does cheese bread fit into this?
140203 -- Studies say will-power is finite. If you use it for one thing, you have less for another. - So if it feels hard to work long hours without any reward, try eating cake for lunch. - How'd your coaching session go? For once, it wasn't all bad.
140204 -- I took your advice to start overeating so I could save all of my willpower for work. - The only downside is a twenty-year reduction in my life expectancy. - Are you okay with that? Who would want twenty extra years of MY life?
140205 -- Weren't you obese yesterday? I got the "insanity" workout video. - What kind of exercise makes you lose sixty pounds in one day? I didn't exercise. All I did was watch it. - And that was the easy part...
140206 -- This is Alice. You need to know two things about her. - When she feels stressed-out she gets angry. - TELL HIM THE SECOND THING! She's always stressed.out.
140207 -- The Supreme Court of India recently voted to uphold a law making it a crime to be born as gay. * *essenentially - To commemorate that hopelessly ignorant decision, Asok the intern is now officially gay. - Okay, we're done here. Good, because I
140207 -- have a lot of gay stuff to do.
140208 -- I can never return to India because the Supreme Court made it illegal to be gay there. - Does it worry you that they have a nuclear arsenal and the scientific knowledge of inebriated astrologists? - They might nuke the Taj Mahal. I know! That
140208 -- place is so gay, right?
140209 -- Can you show me how to set up temporary credentials for our web services? - Only if you are prepared for your ritual shaming. Yes, always. - Okay, her it goes. - What kind of engineer doesn't know how to set up temporary credentials? - HA HA
140209 -- HA HA! I WILL TELL THIS STORY FOR YEARS! - HEY, EVERYONE! GUESS WHAT DILBERT DOESN'T KNOW! - That should be enough to poison your well of credibility. - This isn't a healthy place. Then why do I feel so ALIVE?
140210 -- My projects are winding down and I'd like to take on more responsibility. - Ooh. That's a problem because I just finished your performance review and it says you don't take initiative. - I guess you need to redo that. That would be one way to
140210 -- play it.
140211 -- Corporate Security If a shadowy figure offers to buy company secrets, what should you do? - How much is the offering? That shouldn't matter. - How can I compare alternatives? Would there be any repeat business in this scenario?
140212 -- Who's up for some leadership? - Watch me define acceptable behavior, align your goals with company objectives, prioritize respect, deal directly with conflict, maintain a positive attitude and pretend to care! - That would be impressive. Settle
140212 -- down, Bilbo.
140213 -- The key to leadership is setting vague goals that are a combination of jargon and wishful thinking. - That way, I can keep dumping work on you without hearing you whine that it doesn't fit with your goals. - You have to admit, my system is
140213 -- better than whatever you're doing over there. Yup.
140214 -- Can I sign up for a workshop on how to deal with difficult co-workers? - People will be using those methods against me, and I need to know how to thwart their countermeasures. - Will you leave my office if I say yes? WHERE DID YOU LEARN THAT
140214 -- TRICK?!!
140215 -- Today you'll learn how to deal with difficult co-workers. - Jerks will always be jerks. Your only hope is to kill them in ways that are untraceable. - We need to talk. Each of you got a jar of polonium when you registered.
140216 -- Experts say your story should tell a story in pictures. - Start with an image that captures the status of your project. - How about this image of a clown with a broken watch? - I was thinking eagle. Fine. Eagle. - Now find an image that shows
140216 -- our technology strategy. - How about this image of an old shoe in a storm drain? - I was thinking pie chart. Fine. - Now for the words. How about this image of a dictionary?
140217 -- I got up at 4 A.M. because I heard it's what successful people do. - POWER NAP! - This sort of things always sounds better than it looks.
140218 -- I'm training myself to get by on five hours of sleep per night. - Studies show that sleep deprivation lowers your functional intelligence. - No it not be doesn't. Can I have a thousand percent raise?
140219 -- Cryonics will allow me to preserve my brain until the age of transhumanism so I can live forever in a robot body. - Dilbert, I need a status update on why your last status wasn't updated. - Please kill me now. I don't do favors that can't be
140219 -- repaid.
140220 -- I'm updating my health directive to account for technological progress. - When the age of transhumanism is upon us, I want you to kill me so I don't live forever in a robot body. - Sure. Can I make it painful? WHY WOULD YOU EVEN ASK THAT?
140221 -- The secret to having a rewarding work-life balance is to have no life. - Then it's easy to keep things balanced by doing no work. - So simple, and yet, so genius. It was hiding in plain sight.
140222 -- Hello, ordinary workers. I am  a new employee just like you. - We're discussing the best way to kill our boss. - You could kill him with kindness. I'm leaning toward strangling him with his own intestines.
140223 -- Does anyone have an objection to this plan? - In my opinion, there are too many potential problems. - This system has been used for years in other places and works fine. - There is still a non-zero chance of problems. - By that logic, we should
140223 -- get rid of hospitals because sometimes they make mistakes. - - GAAA!!! I JUST REALIZED I'M AN IDIOT! - You can still lead a normal life. It only stings for a minute.
140224 -- Hello, downtrodden employee. I am one of you, and not an awesome person in disguise. - I put spider eggs in my boss's coffee in the hope that some survive and burrow out of his body. - What have you learned so far? I learned that knowledge is
140224 -- overrated.
140225 -- Our goal is to ship a million units this quarter. - Do we have any goals that involve making customers happy? - I'm talking about OUR goals, not THEIR goals. Totally different.
140226 -- Ted, I want you to give a speech to ten thousand conference attendees. - You'll be great. Don't get stressed. *slap - POW! I said, "don't."
140227 -- I'm happy to report that I achieved every goal you set for me last year. - But you failed to achieve the secret goals I set for you. - WHY DO YOU HAVE SECRET GOALS FOR ME?!! For this exact situation.
140228 -- For some reason, your written goals for last year were "drink lots of coffee" and "disrespect authority." - Maybe next year YOUR goal should be something about reading MY goals before you sign them. - Accomplishing stuff feels good. You should
140228 -- try it.
140301 -- Studies show that offering customers too many options can prevent them from buying. - Studies?? That doesn't sound like a real thing. - I don't know what to do now. Maybe THAT'S the problem.
140302 -- Do you have any great ideas? How would I know? - You could tell me your ideas and I'll judge them. - That's like asking a chipmunk to judge algebra. - Are you comparing me to algebra? Sure. Let's go with that. - That makes sense because algebra
140302 -- is complex and useful...just like me. - So...what do you think of this innovative circuit design? - - It's, um...fine? Said the chipmunk to the engineer.
140303 -- I'm eliminating all management levels and making us a holacraty. Noooo!!! - Please don't make me equal to the underlings I've been abusing for years! - In my defense, I thought I would always have my boot on your neck. Shush.
140304 -- Now that we're organized as a holacacy, I have no idea what I should be doing. - Holacracy involves dynamic governance, transparent operations, and harnessing your conscious capacity. - That sounds like "wander around." Try to do it
140304 -- dynamically.
140305 -- Now that we're organized as a holacracy, I need to learn how to look busy like the rest of you. - Try walking into people's cubicles without an invitation and babbling about things they don't care about. - I should write this down.
140306 -- How's our new flattened management structure working out? - I'm seeing an uptick in fork attacks and insider trading. - Now tell me the benefits. My sciatica no longer hurts, and my stock portfolio is way up.
140307 -- Our experiment with a flattened organization failed. I'm your boss again. - I think our best play here is to beat each other to death with our coffee mugs. - No one said the transition would be smooth. Make the first one count.
140308 -- Our A-B tests show that orange buttons get 13% more clicks than green. - I have now officially lost all faith in human intelligence. - Stick with the green. It looks better. Sure. I feel liberated from the tyranny of thinking.
140309 -- Great leaders set high standards and stay out of the way. So... - I want you to build a fusion-powered robot that can run faster than the speed of light! - While you're doing that, I'll be staying out of your way. - You won't see me or hear
140309 -- from me. I won't even respond to email. - Is there a budget for this impossible project? - Sheesh! Look who needs to be micromanaged! - NOW I CAN'T GO HIDE. YOU'VE RUINED MY LEADERSHIP! - It's hard to be a great leader when all of my followers
140309 -- are so needy.
140310 -- My stress is way down since I discovered that all humans are irrational. - CLEARLY THAT COMMENT IS DIRECTED AT ME. NOW I HATE YOU FOREVER! - ** da-dee da-dum ** **
140311 -- I thought you were telecommuting this week. It was too exhausting. - - I have no follow-up questions.
140312 -- Topper I see you have a phone with a tiny screen. - That must be embarrassing compare to my enormous phone. - Is it expensive? It paid off my mortgage by mining bitcoins.
140313 -- I did A-B testing and found the search terms that bring the most people to our site. - The most effective terms are "wingless skunk," "junkyard snack," and "planned injury." - Topper Well, DUH! You could have just asked me.
140314 -- I'll just send a quick text to Paul. - Paul has a hearing aid, so type in all caps. Good idea. - That's messed up. A little.
140315 -- BUWHAHAHA! I'm using A-B testing to manipulate irrational humans! - BEND TO MY WILL AND CHOOSE THE ORANGE BUTTON, YOU MINDLESS CLICK-PUPPETS! - And this is legal? I OWN YOU NOW!
140316 -- I want you to create a clever video about our product for the Internet. - But make sure it goes viral or you're a total failure. - No one can predict what goes viral. - Marketing experts fail at this sort of thing 99% of the time. - I'm an
140316 -- engineer with no relevant skills for this assignment. - Maybe you could succeed if you had more passion. - GAAA111 I NEED A RATIONAL BOSS, NOT PASSION! - That's sort of a loser attitude. Hey, my video is going viral!
140317 -- I'm going to brainwash you to believe company profits are more important than your health. - It's called "employee engagement," and it will make you work 12-hour days while thinking you enjoy every minute of it. - Can I just work for money? Why
140317 -- are you being a jerk about this?
140318 -- I was just talking to some idiots. - They agree with you on every topic. - What is your point? That's exactly what THEY would say!
140319 -- I'm getting reports that you're being cynical. - It's called an accurate worldview. You should try it sometime. - IF IT'S ACCURATE, WHY ARE PEOPLE UPSET? Said the angry guy to the one who isn't.
140320 -- Experts say managers should hire great people and set clear expectations. - They don't say what to do when you get the first part wrong, but I'm leaning toward micromanaging. - My employee engagement just went down. That was never a real thing.
140321 -- You should let me work at home a few days per week because studies show that telecommuters put in more hours. - Hoe do they study that sort of thing? They survey people who work at home. - Wha if those people are lying weasels? I wasn't
140321 -- counting on this level of awareness.
140322 -- Before we start with my performance review, I would remind you that it would take three people to replace me. - And I will resign at the slightest criticism, leaving you with a huge hiring and budget problem. - This was supposed to make YOU
140322 -- nervous, not me. That thinking is so pre-Google.
140323 -- You can't compare apples and oranges. - That's clearly wrong because you just compared them and declared them different. - Apples and oranges are both foods that grow on trees. - It would be totally valid to compare them nutritionally. - I've
140323 -- noticed that a lot of what comes out of your mouth makes no sense. - You sound like my wife. - You can't compare your wife to your subordinate. That's apples and oranges. - What is happening here? I don't know, but I wouldn't compare it to
140323 -- work.
140324 -- Did I tell you about the time I saw a potato? - WE ARE BEING ASSAULTED BY THE WORLD'S WORST CONVERSATIONALIST. - It was a russet! HELP! HELP! HELP!
140325 -- Hey, plantkiller, do you have the data I asked for? Plantkiller? Who calls me that? - Everyone does. Your stories are so boring that you kill all office plants within earshot. - Give me a hand signal when you're done. that reminds me of the
140325 -- time I took the stairs.
140326 -- I hired a consultant from the respected firm Muhkidney. - My life is a nightmare of business travel, loneliness, and sleep deprivation. - I'm only 25 years old! It's a travel day. He'll calm down after he drinks lunch.
140327 -- Consultant from Booze Muhkidney All I do is travel, work, and eat unhealthy food. - I'm a total failure at managing my own life, and yet people hire me for business advice. - I haven't slept since October. I was told there would b 5
140327 -- slides.
140328 -- I haven't slept since October because of the culture of consulting firms is anti-health. - I'M FLATLINING! - False alarm. I'm back. Who wants to make some graphs?
140329 -- Alice, your good work has save the company over a billion dollars. - But I can't give you a raise because you once had a personal item on your desk. - HOW ARE THOSE THINGS EQUAL?!! And here comes the insubordination.
140330 -- The key to success is ignoring the people who say it can't be done. - What if they're right? - They aren't right! - Really? Other people are never right? You have to trust your gut! - My gut is telling me that everything you're saying is
140330 -- ridiculous. - It also says it wants a sandwich right now. - I'd stay, but I'm putting my gut in charge of my decisions. - My gut sends me messages in Morse code. Here comes one now.
140331 -- What can I do to help you operationalize our strategy? - You could stop talking like a puppet that ate a dictionary. - I don't know how analogies work. I'm counting on that.
140401 -- The universe is full of dark matter, quantum strangeness, and hidden dimensions. - In such a universe, can we really know whether or not I did my assignment? - How'd the new excuse work out? It did well in the A-B test against "you never told
140401 -- me to do that."
140402 -- I started an online marketplace for dumb criminals. - As soon as I get enough users, I'll steal all of their bitcoins. BUWHAHAHAHA! - Is this morally defensible? Here's my argument: KA-CHING! KA-CHING!
140403 -- Guess what's going right for me today. Uh-oh. - NOTHING!!! - I usually do a better job of avoiding them when they have problems.
140404 -- Sheesh! It feels as if every employee is complaining about one thing or another today. - Maybe it's because your leadership has turned this place into a skunk opera. - Luckily, you don't understand analogies. That one is about singing.
140405 -- Studies say I can increase my alpha dominance by using lots of space in the room. - TOPPER That's nothing. I can inflate my body like a puffer fish! - At times like this, you must be glad you're barely male.
140406 -- We need to figure out why our new product isn't selling well. - It's buggy and overpriced. - Our competitors sell a far better product at half the price. - Our ads are overtly misleading and vaguely racist. - Our product name reminds people of
140406 -- bodily fluids and death. - People hate us because our CEO has an endangered owl shooting range on his superyacht. - Does anyone have an idea to fix all of that? - Maybe. Do you own an owl costume?
140407 -- You don't show enough passion for your job. - STOP INTERRUPTING MY WORK WITH YOUR STUPID, TRENDY MANAGEMENT JARGON! - Was that better or worse? I don't know how to tell.
140408 -- Our CEO was injured when a steamer trunk full of Rolex watches fell out of his luggage helicopter and landed on his yacht. - They say time flies when you're having funds. - Our intern is growing so fast. The walk-off is what sells it!
140409 -- The board wants you to be our acting CEO until our regular CEO recovers from his Rolex accident. - BUWHAHAHA!!!! The power has gone to my head and obliterated my last crumb of human decency! - You're creeping me out. I'm going to buff my shoes
140409 -- with you, my furry friend.
140410 -- The board named me temporary CEO. And guess who is coming with me to the C-level suite! - IT'S ME! - No. And you're also a terrible guesser.
140411 -- Acting CEO No one told me what I'm supposed to do in this job. - 80% of the job is back-slapping and firing people. - Good job, Ted. But not good enough. slap
140412 -- I heard that while you were acting CEO you... - ...murdered nine employees, bought an unprofitable start-up and embraced a new management fad that is nothing but ridiculous jargon and wishful thinking. - NO ONE LIKES A SHOW-OFF. I swear it was
140412 -- just luck.
140413 -- No one "likes" my Facebook posts. - How many Facebook friends do you have? Seven. - Are they all close friends? How do you define "close"? - Have you ever invited any of these people to your house? - Why would I want to do that? - I can't fix
140413 -- your problem. So instead, I'll plant some false memories and try to fix those later. - Do you remember being a robot that was designed by aliens? No. - Are you SURE? I was.
140414 -- I have a GREAT idea! What kind? - Is it the kind I scoff at, the kind I steal, or the kind that makes me double your workload? - It might be all of those. Sounds good so far.
140415 -- Email is down again. The only guy who can fix it is in the hospital. - So...if he dies, we can never again have Email? Maybe. - Is there any way I can reach him? Wait a week and try a Ouija board.
140416 -- Describe your biggest accomplishment from your last job. - I made some phone calls and stuff. I think I made a difference. - Do you WANT this job? Nah. Just lonely.
140417 -- I'm only allowed to ask interview questions that have been approved by human resources. - And they haven't approved any yet. So all I can do is make random statements. - An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. SO IS MINE!
140418 -- Tina, I need you to write company "origin story." All the cool companies have them. Why? - Why? Well, for starters, we need it for various things. And so on. - I don't think I can be any clearer. I don't think you can either.
140419 -- The best advice anyone ever gave me was "be true to yourself." - That literally doesn't mean anything. - I usually don't like to get involved, but you make me curious what the WORST advice was.
140420 -- You need to clean the break room refrigerator more often. - We're engineers. We only do the highest priority tasks. - Mold started to grow in there. That's no big deal. - Bacteria caused the mold to mutate. - So what? - It rapidly evolved into
140420 -- a sentient being fueled by forgotten lunches. - Then it learned language skills and got a job in human resources. - It plans to frame you for viewing inappropriate websites at work and then fire you. - This sort of thing usually works itself
140420 -- out.
140421 -- The travel budget is frozen so we can meet our income estimates for this quarter. - Is that because all business travel is a waste of time or because we no longer care about long-term profitability? - Take as long as you need. Um...
140422 -- I need an exception to the travel budget freeze so I can fix an important customer's technical problem. - No, because arbitrary financial  targets are more important then satisfying customers. - Wait...why does that sound bad when I say it out
140422 -- loud? If it makes you feel better, I wasn't listening.
140423 -- I read that using people's names and giving insincere compliments will make me likeable. - Good job pouring that coffee, Wally. You didn't spill a drop. - I don't feel any different. Maybe the problem is on your end.
140424 -- Experts say I can improve my likeability by showing that I remember things that people have told me. - For example, there was the time you said you always go to funerals dressed as a clown to keep things light. - I NEVER SAID THAT! Are you
140424 -- sure? I told everyone you did.
140425 -- Hi. I'm Randy. - I can't memorize names and shake hands at the same time. - It's Randy. Don't even bother. Seriously.
140426 -- Hey, Dilbert. We met last week. We did? - I only remember things that might be important. Everything else I flush. - My name is Randy. FLUSH *
140427 -- Wally, I want you to create a new business strategy for the company. - Then use your laptop in a coffee shop that has public access Wi-Fi. - Hackers will get into your computer in minutes and steal your strategy document. - With any luck, the
140427 -- hackers will sell those secrets to our competitors. - Obviously, we would never use any strategy you created, so our competitors will be misled. - So...you want me to do a bad job on an assignment and then go drink coffee? - Can you handle that?
140427 -- I like my odds. - Why do you want a copy of our business strategy? It'll save a step.
140428 -- I need you to write a business plan for our new line of products. - Is that because business plans have a good track record of being useful and accurate? - No, it's nothing like that. Good, because I plan to make up all of the numbers.
140429 -- I had a question about your feedback on my business plan. - You called it a "lumbering monument to incompetence, dishonesty and corporate dysfunction." - What's your question? Do you think it should be longer?
140430 -- I need you to make a PowerPoint deck for my meeting with investors. - I'll be telling them everything I know about technology, competition, and the industry. So...just the one slide? - Huh? How big do these fonts go?
140501 -- I emailed you the Powerpoint slide for your investor meeting. - I dumbed down the technical stuff for you non-engineers. - "Technology: it will be good." I wouldn't take questions.
140502 -- My project is coming along great. Everything is on time and under budget. - Do you really expect me to believe that EVERYTHING you're working on is going smoothly? - No, but apparently you believe I work, and I didn't see that coming either.
140503 -- Your last job was doing publicity for a famous magician. Why did you leave? - My boss fired me after the trick where he stayed in a sewer full of rats for a month. - I didn't hear about that. I forgot to tell anyone it was happening.
140504 -- Does anyone have any billion-dollar product ideas? - There's a logical problem with that question. - If I had a billion-dollar idea, I would quit this job and start my own company. - Only a dumb person would give you his best idea for free. -
140504 -- And the best idea from a dumb person is still dumb. - But I am willing to give you some ideas that are too lame for my own use. - Can you at least PRETEND to suggest good ideas? Sure. - How about a phone with a wooden screen? How about a drone
140504 -- that attacks anyone who looks at it?
140505 -- Our CEO has asked each of us to donate 1% of our work time to a charitable cause. - Last week you told us to give 110% to our work. Does this mean we can back off to 109%? - No, you should give 110% to everything you do. - Maybe my charitable
140505 -- cause could be helping you learn math.
140506 -- Last week, I did my corporate charity work by teaching unemployed people how to interview for jobs. - Don't they also need job skills? Nah. I taught them how to look busy. - No boss will be fooled by that. Do you believe I trained unemployed
140506 -- people last week?
140507 -- Are you sure the data you gave me is correct? - I've been giving you incorrect data for years. This is the first time you've asked. - What? I said the data is totally accurate.
140508 -- Interviews are getting awkward because of the new rule that human resources has to approve all questions. - And you haven't approved any yet. Heh heh heh heh heh heh! - STOP ENJOYING MY PAIN! - Stop making it so enjoyable!
140509 -- Studies show that people who exercise are healthier. - That's because people who are in bad health don't exercise. - Why does it seem as if you ruin every meeting? Is it because I only attend the ones that are stupid?
140510 -- Did you see my email about your business plan? - Was it a rambling and disjoined email that showed no understanding of the problem or the proposed solution? - No. Oh. Then apparently I haven't seen it.
140511 -- Okay, let's see how employee 3452378 is doing. - According to our employee tracking system, you have wandered around the office 17% more than the average employee. - Maybe I have more meetings than most people. - NO, most of the difference is
140511 -- in restroom trips and detours past an attractive woman's desk. - Your wrist monitor shows unacceptably low levels of caffeine for your workload. - That's probably why our typos are up 9% and you have looked away from your workstation nine more
140511 -- times than last month. - Now your wrist monitor indicates a desire to beat an authority figure to death with his own tablet computer. - Phew! Your brain's wuss subroutine just kicked in. The danger has passed.
140512 -- Can I take my vacation next week? - Fine. Just work twice as hard this week to get everything done before you leave. - In that case, I prefer not taking vacation at all. It's starting to look as if nothing can make you happy.
140513 -- Studies say people are losing their ability to focus because of all the digital distractions. - Sorry, what? *beep Hold on... - What were you saying? I dunno. Probably wasn't important.
140514 -- The distractions of the digital age have rewired my brain and ruined my ability to focus. - Now I find it painful to dwell on any topic for longer than five seconds. - Let's talk about this. NO-O-O! CHANGE THE TOPIC!
140515 -- I don't date cyborgs. I'm not a cyborg. Yet. - I don't date time travelers from the future. I'm not a time traveler. - My third guess is less flattering. I'm a time traveler.
140516 -- How much wearable tech can I use before I'm technically a cyborg? - It doesn't matter because you're a software simulation created by humans who perished after the technology singularity. - And you're programmed to scoff at what I just said.
140516 -- Crazy old coot.
140517 -- Experts say you'll be more engaged if you have a friend at work. - And when you're engaged, I can pay you less and you won't quit. - So this guy is costing me money? Don't flatter yourself. I barely know your name.
140518 -- You never answered my I.M.. You should have emailed me. - I did. You didn't answer my email. - If it was so important, you should have texted me. - You didn't answer my texts. You have to text my personal phone. - You didn't answer those texts
140518 -- either. - Had it been important, you would have called me. - I did. You don't answer your phone and you don't return calls. - So here I am. It's premature to get your hopes up.
140519 -- Why Phishing Scams Keep Working Enter your bank account number. Scam. - Wait For It Enter your bank account number. Scam. - There it is. Enter your bank account number. Okey-dokey.
140520 -- I lost all of my money to a phishing scam. Must...stifle...laugh. - Mmmph! Pressure is building. Must contain... - Are you being supportive? I can't tell. Mmmph!
140521 -- Did you read the article I forwarded about the ten things every leader should be doing? - I defended your honor by writing a blog post saying you don't do any of those things and you still get paid. - Why doesn't this feel supportive? That's
140521 -- one of life's mysteries.
140522 -- None of my subordinates are supportive. I don't know why. - Perhaps they're sensing that you have troll DNA. - Um...what? Did your mom ever live under a bridge?
140523 -- We're having an early adopter problem with our wearable tech products. - No one wants to go first? I WISH we had that problem. - I wonder if we look as cool as we feel. Let's hit the clubs and find out.
140524 -- I have the result of our customer survey. - The new software feature they want most is "flying car." - Did you survey any people who aren't idiots? No, I only surveyed people who buy from us.
140525 -- Experts say I need employees who can say no to me. - I'd like you to be my trusted advisor, Wally, because you criticize every idea I have. - No. That's the dumbest plan I've ever heard. - What? You heard me. - I'm not sure what I'm supposed to
140525 -- do now. You could thank me for saying no. - - WHY DOES THAT SOUND RIGHT?!!!! - You're welcome.
140526 -- You have a large-screen smartphone, and yet you don't work while walking from one place to another. - That's like stealing from the company. - I didn't realize I had chosen a life of crime. And you're not even doing it right.
140527 -- For environmental reasons, all used batteries must be discarded in the special receptacle in the break room. - When it's full, the janitor will dump it into the regular trash and take it to the landfill. - Maybe we could ask him not to. No one
140527 -- knows what language he speaks.
140528 -- Alice, you've been nominated by your peers for the "Good Attitude Award." - GET OUT OF HERE WITH YOUR STUPID, USELESS AWARD!!!" - Maybe I shouldn't let peers do the voting. I like her odds to win again next month.
140529 -- You missed all of your goals. Because of poor management. - I'll go into more detail when I do my 360-degree review of you. - I meant to say you're doing great. That's what I meant to say too.
140530 -- I found a quick way to make you more motivated and competitive. - I know it's safe because it's all natural. - The only known side effects are psychopathy and an improved dating life.
140531 -- Our boss injected me with job performance enhancing drugs. * ??? - GAAA!!! Evolution has made me attracted to your physical attributes! - I'm sort of a jerk now. NOOOO! THAT'S MY KRYPTONITE!
140601 -- Did you see my E-Mail about the eight things that successful people do? - Yes. I did all eight things and now I'm a huge success. - No, you're not. I'm not? - How's that possible? I did all of the things that successful people do. - THIS ONLY
140601 -- MAKES SENSE IF THE INSPIRATIONAL LINKS YOU SEND ME WERE A COMPLETE WASTE OF TIME! - So which one is it? Am I a huge success or do you e-mail me worthless things? - - Maybe we should just change the subject. Is that what successful people do?
140602 -- You've set several world records for best employee job performance. - Bit I can't give you a raise because you used job performance enhancing drugs. - You injected me against my will. It wouldn't be leadership if you WANTED to do it.
140603 -- Our boss injected me with job performance enhancing drugs. - JOB PERFORMANCE BE GONE! - Apparently, I can do that now. I must find more disciples.
140604 -- Someday robots will do all of the technology work and humans will only do creative jobs. - If you engineers work hard, someday the spoils will go to the liberal arts majors who partied while you studied. - I hear goo things about origami. It's
140604 -- not too late to get into that game.
140605 -- I'm rapidly evolving into a super-intelligent being with godlike powers. That's nothing! - ZOINK! - My allergies are bad today. That's nothing!
140606 -- So...how's your job going? - It's like being buried alive in a burlap bag full of starving rats. - And I'm back to not caring. How long will it take you to fix everything?
140607 -- Introducing My Name is Alan, and my job is to spray perfume on skunks. - I'm Dilbert. My job as an engineer is to resist killing Alan. - You're doing a terrific job. STOP SPRAYING ME WITH PERFUME!
140608 -- What's your son doing here? - Today is "bringing your kid to the cesspool day." - The idea is to show how horrible it is to work in an office. - That way, they can make better choices and avoid a life like ours. - Just out of curiosity, who
140608 -- told you this is ""bring your kid to the cesspool day"? - Wally. - Oh. - I've decided to become a career criminal. Good luck with all of that.
140609 -- We announced huge losses, but analysts thought it would be even worse, so our stock went up. - I'm using a similar system to get a big raise. For years I've been lowering everyone's expectations of my performance. Next I'll... - I made a phone
140609 -- call today. EMPLOYEE OF THE YEAR!
140610 -- The problem is that we don't know what we don't know. You stole that saying from me. - It's a common saying. I've been using it for years. No, you stole it from me. - This is officially the dumbest conversation I've ever had. THAT'S MY OTHER
140610 -- SAYING!
140611 -- I read that winning at anything boosts your testosterone. - I need one of you underlings to clean the mold out of the office fridge. - That's your top priority today. What's this "winning" I keep hearing about?
140612 -- Abusive management has reduced my testosterone levels and left me feeling... - DIE, YOU DISHRAG! FIE! HA HA HA HA HA! - I sensed weakness. No worries.
140613 -- Here's some dark chocolate. Studies show it makes you think better. - Why are you suddenly doing things that make scientific sense, instead of your usual magical thinking? - I just ate three pounds of chocolate. Wow. It works fast.
140614 -- I ate three pounds of dark chocolate and it made my brain work better. - Now I realize that everything I've done in my career up to this point has been magical thinking and fad-casing. - What should I do? Stop eating chocolate.
140615 -- WHAT A GREAT DAY! - What's all this nonsense? I'm trying to be an optimist. - Studies show that optimists die younger. - So this optimism thing just makes you look ignorant. - And because my happiness is based on a comparison to my peers, I
140615 -- don't want your future to be too bright. - STOP THINKING YOU'RE BETTER THEN ME IN THE FUTURE! - This is exactly why I want to die younger. - You already know that optimists die young? YUP! How's YOUR plan working?
140616 -- Our consultant has recommended a company-wide transformation to make us more competitive. - Is it a coincidence that consultants always recommend solutions that pay their firms the most? - How would I know? I'll look into that for you.
140617 -- I'm getting reports again that you're resistant to change. - I only resist terrible ideas but I can see how that would confuse you. - Whatever you're doing, cut it out. Should I stop being rational in general or only in this one way?
140618 -- Jeff had to prove everyone wrong. That will never work. - It was like a reflex. He couldn't stop it. That's the worst idea I have ever had. - That was his last day of life. You can't jump off the roof right now. Uh-oh.
140619 -- I need you to sign a non-disclosure agreement before we start. - We don't need that because noone believes a word I say anyway. - Maybe I'm meeting with the wrong person. You're mighty judgy for a guy with so many secrets.
140620 -- Strangers keep beating me up for wearing our new glasses product with a camera. - Have you tried acting less creepy and defenseless? No. - Sounds like user error. I just photoshopped your head on a donkey.
140621 -- Hey, geek! We're going to beat you up for wearing glasses with a camera.  -FOOSH! - If I'm being honest this didn't go the way I expected.
140622 -- Change your recommendation to the opposite of what you wrote and send it to me for approval. - Why do I need approval for the thing you just approved? - I want you to feel some ownership. - I already feel that you own me. - I mean that I want
140622 -- you to feel ownership of the recommendation. - How can I feel ownership of your ignorant decisions? - By getting my approval for them. - I can't be more clear. At least we agree on that.
140623 -- Success depends on who you know. - I only know losers such as you, so thanks for nothing. - I'm sorry I ruined your promising career. You're holding me back.
140624 -- Job Interview So...what do you like to do in your spare time? - Um...I visit orphanages and give back rubs to babies. - Maybe you should have practiced for that question. And I bike there because I'm so green.
140625 -- Your management style has caused a black hole to form. - Is it dangerous? Not to us. It only absorbs important E-Mails from employees. - And an employee named Ted, apparently.
140626 -- Our officers came up with a new company slogan after two weeks in a retreat. - The new slogan is "STOP SPITTING AHN ME WHEN YOU TALK!" - We believe alcohol was involved.
140627 -- I've been a slacker my entire career, but now I want more out of my life. - My plan is to listen to podcasts while I drink coffee and surf the Internet for fun. - Multislacking? Wish me luck.
140628 -- I have a work-related injury, so I need a year off with pay. What happened? - I was drinking coffee and listening to a podcast while surfing the Internet for personal reasons. - Now my buttocks hurt. I think I'm within my rights to kill you.
140629 -- This is tech support. How may I help you? - Before we start, I need to tell you that I'm a highly trained electrical engineer. - I have already eliminated all of the most probable causes of my issue. - I have reinstalled the software and I have
140629 -- rebooted several times. - So please, if you have any respect for humanity, do not start this call by insisting that I reboot again. - Can you do that? Can you not ask me to reboot as your first suggestion? - Try rebooting. GAAA!!! - I kinda
140629 -- love my job.
140630 -- You didn't accomplish anything this month. Sure I did. - I did the mandatory training that has no use, attended your mandatory meetings that don't help, and filled out regulatory paperwork for things we don't do. - Are you trying to make a
140630 -- point? Nope. Just being productive.
140701 -- On the advice of our consultant, we're going to rewrite the CMS from scratch. - How much did you pay the consultant for the same advice your employees gave you for free? - I don't pay consultants for advice. I pay them to leave. ?
140702 -- I brought my son to work. Do you have any career advice for him? - All boys your age are idiots. If you make any career decisions today, your life will forever be determined by an idiot. - Are we expecting any unforeseen problems today? But you
140702 -- get used to it.
140703 -- Can I be your friend o Facebook? - Friends are like speed bumps for engineers. - How will you see pictures of my food? Do you eat food that Google doesn't know about?
140704 -- I want you to create artificial intelligence that is as smart as me. - Okay. I should have that by lunchtime. - Because you're a fast worker? Sure.
140705 -- My artificial intelligence software passes the PHB test. - That means I can hide it behind a curtain and people won't know if they're talking to a computer or a pointy-haired boss. - Computer, what is HTML5? Beats me. I was going to say that!
140706 -- You didn't show leadership on your project. - Are you saying I didn't do things in a smart way? - Leading is different from acting in the smartest way. - So...either I can do things the smart way or I can be a leader like you? - Stop twisting
140706 -- things around! - You need to be Smart AND you need to show leadership! - You can't expect your team to do what you want just because it's the smartest path. - Remind me which one of us hired those idiots.
140707 -- My software can't pass a standard Turing test yet, but it does pass the pointy-haired boss test. - Computer, I have a question about our company strategy. Try working smarter. - THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE! I wasn't prepared to like it, but
140707 -- you won me over.
140708 -- You have a bad attitude lately. You made me work 70 hours this week. - If you want people who work for free and are happy about it, hire the insane. - I tried that, but I got the wrong kind. I'll whistle a happy tune if you go away. tweet**
140709 -- I wonder why everyone is in a bad mood lately. - Maybe they have personal problems. - How could they have time for personal problems when I work them  70 hours a week? Then I don't know what it is.
140710 -- We need a "growth hacker" for our web apps. I think I'd be perfect for that job. - I've heard about growth hackers, but I have no idea what they do all day. - You could do nothing and I wouldn't know the difference. And I could work from home.
140711 -- What kind of engineer are you? I'm a personal lifestyle engineer. - I engineer my career to achieve an ideal balance of work and leisure. - How many hours per week do you work? I don't think you know what "ideal" means.
140712 -- Do you ever feel embarrassed that you dress the same way every day? No. - Do you ever feel embarrassed that you don't understand the importance of routine in managing your limited reserve of willpower? - I made 75 fashion decisions before
140712 -- breakfast. I wrote an app.
140713 -- I did a study of our core competences. - It seems we're very good at automating things that we shouldn't be doing in the first place. - But that's not all we're good at. - We're also good at worshiping the status quo as if it were Steve Job's
140713 -- reaminated body. - And no one is as good at masking lapses in fiduciary responsibility. - Lastly, we're good at hearing what we want to hear. - - So...we're good at automating things?
140714 -- I like a lot of things about being rich, but I like the income inequality the best. - It makes me happy to know that my net worth is about a thousand times more than yours. - It's actually closer to 800 times my net worth. YOU RUINED IT!!!
140715 -- When someone takes your picture, the flash spot stays in your vision for a few seconds. - I want you to figure out how to place ads on that little spot. - That would be a huge personal violation. Bah! You said the same thing when we took your
140715 -- privacy.
140716 -- My computer model indicates that I can genetically modify a tree to grow leaves made of rare earth minerals. - All I need is a hundred dollars to run a trial. Sorry. Money doesn't grow on trees. - Well, now we know whose fault that is.
140716 -- Strangers?
140717 -- I want you to give me an hones assessment of my leadership. - Thirty Minutes Later ...ike being stabbed by an angry clown while drowning in a septic tank. - Have you heard about honesty? It's terrible.
140718 -- If you made a billion dollars, would you stop working? - How would I make a million dollars? You would have to start working. - It seems sort of self-defeating.
140719 -- The secret to success is keeping things simple. - Do you mean simple in an absolute sense or relative to the alternatives? - It depends on the situation. Sounds complicated.
140720 -- Last night, an idea for a new product came to me in a dream. Ick. - 3-D-glasses. - To watch movies? - No, for real life. - So...the glasses would make life in general appear three-dimensional? - Exactly! People LOVE 3-D stuff. - I'm not going
140720 -- to respond to your idea. I'm just going to sit here looking three-dimensional. - Wait...how are you doing that? I'm wearing glasses that make me look 3-D.
140721 -- Spare me the tedious technical details. I make my decisions based on the people involved. - So you replaced your unsupported belief that you could spot winning projects with an unsupported belief that you can identify winning people? -
140721 -- Stopmaking it sound dumb! Should I try paraphrasing it incorrectly?
140722 -- We have incomplete data, so I'll need to use my intuition to make the decision. - Because magical thinking fixes ignorance? - Hush! I think I have something. I think so too.
140723 -- Your prototype will never be economical. - Certainty about the future is a sign of mental illness. - Try to be more level.conscious. Yes, your highness.
140724 -- Your project is behind schedule. Is there any way to finish it sooner? - Well, in the long run, we all die, so you could die right now and get to your endpoint faster. - You went dark fast. I had that one in the hopper.
140725 -- I have you seated next to our senior vice president at the technology awards banquet. - Because you hate me? No, it's because I hate /him/. - This is making me very unhappy. Don't peak too soon. Wait for the banquet.
140726 -- I outsourced my micromanaging to Amazon's mechanical turk. - People in other countries will watch on your computer cameras and criticize every move you make. - That feels like a terrible idea. Stop resisting change.
140727 -- You complained about your workload, so I hired an inexperienced guy to help. - That is exactly the opposite of what I wanted. - He doesn't know much, but he makes up for it by asking lots of questions. - So he'll be bugging me every minute? -
140727 -- Not every minute. He takes a lot of sick days. - So...you hired a guy who is useless, but it's okay because he also has bad attendance? - It's not a perfect world. - Is this a good time to ask some questions?
140728 -- Studies show that successful people start early. Can I start work at 5 A.M. and quit at noon? - How would I know you were really working the first four hours? Same way you know now. - I don't know now. It's like that but with less attendance.
140729 -- The board has voted to do a stick split. - It came down to a choice between creating fantastic products or attracting dumb stockholders. - One of those two things is easy.
140730 -- We bought a Silicon Valley start-up just to get the engineers. - Be gentle with them. They're socially awkward and they haven't seen a woman in four years. - Who's up for a debate about scalable architecture followed by some spawning?
140731 -- We got Randy by buying his start-up. - Randy, Dilbert will show you how to access our 45 hours of mandatory online training. I quit. - Well, at least we still have his start-up. And all seven of its customers.
140801 -- We need to act more like a start-up. - You mean we can ask for funding for one thing and then pivot six times and build something entirely different? - Is there a version where we don't do any of that and I can still call myself a hacker?
140802 -- A start-up offered to pay me half of what I make now, plus equity in a company that has no value. - I will double that if you stay! - I decided to stay, but it was hard to feel good about it.
140803 -- Do you know what venture capitalists care about when they make investment decisions? - They care about the reputation of the angel investors who already put money in. - Do you know what the angel investors care about? - They care about the
140803 -- skill of the engineers. - Therefore, you should give me a huge raise or else I'll quit and do my own start-up. - Go ahead, you big chicken. - YOU'RE GOING TO DIE POOR! HA HA HA!!! - That was harsh. And yet you didn't resign. Any more questions?
140804 -- I have an idea for a start-up. You're doomed. - Maybe the first idea won't work, but I'll keep pivoting until something does. You're doomed. - The most important thing is that I need to keep my optimism and enthusiasm high. You're doomed.
140805 -- The interface needs to be so simple that your mother could use it. - My mother taught herself Ruby on Rails over a weekend. - Then imagine someone else's mother. Can I imagine a sexist imbecile?
140806 -- We can only succeed if we execute. - How is that different from saying we can only succeed if we succeed? - There's also the strategy. Does the strategy create itself?
140807 -- Tina, I want you to ghostwrite a book of my leadership advice. - Do you plan to read it? - No, it sounds boring.
140808 -- I'm reading a book that says the key to success is networking with successful people. - Did you get to the chapter where it says successful people should avoid all contact with losers? - It seems we have a standoff. Security.
140809 -- Would you mind if I network with you to help my career? - I would have said yes, but you made it feel all weird and creepy. - Perhaps you could send me E-Mail that I won't read. That makes you my best friend!
140810 -- It's better to execute an imperfect plan today than a perfect plan next week. - YAY! WE'RE FREE FROM ANY PENALTY IF WE DO THINGS WRONG! - Um, no. Nothing like that. - You're still in big trouble if you do anything wrong. - And I'm also in big
140810 -- trouble if I take longer to do things right? Yes. - Okay, I get it. You plan is idiotic, but we should do it anyway and not wait for you to say something smarter. - You're leading by example. Nicely done. What other things should we do right
140810 -- away?
140811 -- Tradition requires you to disparage every technology decision made before you got involved. - But please be gentle with your criticism of my software. It's like my baby. - If you mean your software is a useless blob that consumes resources and
140811 -- soils itself, we are in agreement.
140812 -- The project I inherited has weak code. I need to rewrite it from scratch. - Will there ever be an engineer who says, "that last guy did a great job. Let's keep all of it"? - I'm hoping the idiot you hire to replace me says that.
140813 -- Happy, happy, happy. ** ** - I'm enjoying a bubble of optimism because I'm feeling rested and no one has been awful to me all day! - How long does it usually last? I don't know. It never happened before! ** **
140814 -- ** ** I had a great day at work for the first time ever! - Don't ruin this day for me. I don't want to hear one word of negativity out of you. None. - I want this to be a perfect day. Once again you have grossly underestimated my self-control.
140815 -- I had a great day yesterday! No you didn't. - Good and bad days are only in your mind. The environment is largely the same as the day before. - You're ticking me off. Or am I?
140816 -- You don't look productive. I'm on a conference call. - Maybe you should be in your cubicle listening to it. Nah. They aren't saying anything important. - Maybe they will. Optimism sounds exhausting.
140817 -- All of your projects are behind schedule. - You need to work on your time management skills. - Let me see if I understand you correctly. - You expect me to do the job of three engineers... - ...and the only obstacle to your brilliant plan is my
140817 -- poor time management? - Stop making everything I say sound dumb. I don't do it that often. - Because you only sound dumb when people understand what you mean. - AND THAT'S TOO OFTEN! Once a week, tops.
140818 -- Conference Call Wally, can you take the lead on that? - This is Ted. I just joined the call. I'll take care of that for Wally. Thanks, Ted. - I'm crushing it today.
140819 -- Your proposal with the three bullet points looks good to me. - I'll ask my lawyers to turn it into an incomprehensible nine-page document that introduces complexity risks for...no...reason. - Can I get back to you in the year 2018? STOP MAKING
140819 -- ME CRY!
140820 -- Company Lawyer I turned you simple business deal into a flaming pile of excrement. - It's some of my best work. I don't even understand it myself. - Look what just landed in YOUR backyard.
140821 -- When I die, I hope I go to Google. - I would spend eternity with free food, bus service and massages. - And you would always be around smart, ambitious people. That's okay. I'll bring earplugs.
140822 -- I hired a guy who worked at Google because he said he was driven. - Because they have free bus service? - Has he shown up for work yet? I thought he was telecommuting.
140823 -- I am always tense and I don't know why. It's the tyranny of expectations, Asok. - People still expect you to add value. Competence is a vicious cycle. - Can you teach me to be useless like you? It's better if I don't so you learn by example.
140824 -- What programming skills should I be looking for in our next hire? - JQuery, Ruby, HTML5, Python, Java, PHP, and, of course, C++. - Maybe you could write those down. Sure. - That should totally solve your ignorance problem. - Are there other
140824 -- gaps in your knowledge that I can fix by writing things down? - How about string theory? I can explain that in a few words. - Gravitation...supersymmetry...pertubation...M-theory. - I know string theory now.
140825 -- This is Barry. He has been working on our exoskeleton project for five years. - Evidently Barry, died years ago, and his exoskeleton keeps taking his bones to meetings. - In my defense, that is only obvious after you say it.
140826 -- Experts say you need a great team to get great results. - We're going to prove them wrong because our team is an inexperienced intern, a useless guy, a corpse in an exoskeleton and me. - That conflicts with my plan to prove the experts right.
140827 -- I have to warn you that I'll be going deep on a technology problem today. - I'll be using the executive attention network of my brain at the expense of social awareness. - Sounds like a radical change. I can't tell if that was sarcasm.
140828 -- He transferred all of his mental energy to the executive attention network of his brain to solve a problem. - This is dangerous territory for an engineer because it suppresses the last remnants of his social awareness. - Expect him to misread
140828 -- social cues. They're here to kill me.
140829 -- Asok, the key to success is not caring what others think of you. - Coincidentally, that is also the key to being totally useless. - The important thing is that other people can't tell which way you're hoping it goes.
140830 -- I need you to co-author a book on success with me. - The goal is to make readers believe success comes from hard work and wise decisions. - So instead of hating me for being lucky, they will hate themselves for being lazy and dumb. And for buying
140830 -- your book?
140831 -- Did you get the link I sent about the ten things all leaders need to do? - I also sent you an article about the nine habits of successful people. - And I sent you an article about the time management tricks used by successful people. -
140831 -- According to my research, there are 17,429 tricks you need to master to be a good leader. - That might seem like a lot. - But if you master ten per year, you'll be 1.2% competent by the time you retire. - WHY ARE WE HAVING THIS CONVERSATION? -
140831 -- I'm going to add "listening skills" to the list.
140901 -- My job in human resources is to instill in you a permanent feeling of inadequacy. - Your only hope for feeling good about yourself is to work feverishly to boost company profits. - If you work all weekend for free, I am willing to call you
140901 -- adequate on a temporary basis. I'll take it.
140902 -- Now, I give you the Dance of the Adequate. - I am Adequate, yes I am. Oooh, so adequate. ** ** ** - As long as I avoid contact with others. ** ** ** YOU ARE LAME! ** ** **
140903 -- This is my last day of work, so I won't have time to completely train you on the software. - But I can show you enough to give you unwarranted confidence, when you should be feeling dangerously incompetent. - That sounds worse than doing
140903 -- nothing. Before I leave, I'll tell everyone you're lazy.
140904 -- Exit Interview Heh-heh. I am going to speak my mind and dump on everyone. - Give me your I.D. and get out. If anyone wanted your opinion I would have paid you enough to stay. - So much for my victory lap. YOU FORGOT YOUR MUG! ZIP!
140905 -- I don't like the name of our new app. You need to change it. - Perhaps you can underscore your pointy suggesting a bunch of names that are already taken. - Do you mind if I think of other things while you do that?
140906 -- Bill Ackman just took a huge short position in our stock. - I'm not worried about a cartoon cat from an old "Boolm County" comic strip. - Maybe i care too much. That is the mantra of all defective people.
140907 -- I welcome any input on our corporate strategy. - I think we need to be more customer-centric. - You mean raise our prices? I mean focus on the needs of customers. - You mean we should be a monopoly so they need us? Um, no. - We should find out
140907 -- what they need and then give it to them. - They need to buy our products. They probably don't. - So you're saying our marketing campaign should use psychological manipulation to make people think they need our products. - You finally had a good
140907 -- idea. - I'm going to stop talking now.
140908 -- Our ads are so bad that they increase sales for our competitors. - Try running ads for our competitors and see if it increases OUR sales. - Strategic incompetence? I didn't get this far by luck!
140909 -- When you talk to customers, stop mentioning our software bugs. Should I lie? - No, no. I just need you to present the information that is good for us and leave out the rest. Lie by omission? - It's better if we don't label it. Should I use my
140909 -- real name?
140910 -- You should be proud that we beat the earnings that analysts expected. - Why should we be proud that analysts are bad at making estimates? - Those bad estimates don't happen on their own. I had to mislead them. I'm proud of you.
140911 -- I saw your new car in the parking lot. It's nice. Thank you. - I'm complimenting the people who made your car, not you. - Well, I guess only one of us knows how to make his own car.
140912 -- Asok, the best way to advance your career is by learning as much as you can from co-workers. - Can you show me what you are doing? Come back in ten years when I'm not busy. - No one will help me learn anything. You learned THAT!
140913 -- Research says that asking for advice doubles your odds of career advancement. - Do you think I should get a pet kangaroo? I don't care if you marry one. - I wonder how long the time lag is until my promotion.
140914 -- Alice, people are uncomfortable with your communication style. - Did someone complain? - No. I'm picking it up in their body language. - So...people have bad posture and that means I don't say things right? - Call it a gut feeling. Ohhhh. That
140914 -- sounds rational. - Let's toss some Feng Shui into the equation and maybe get a psychic to contact the dead to see what they say about me. - OR MAYBE EVERYONE COULD STOP BEING WHINY BABIES! - Oh, wait. I see it now.
140915 -- I dislike the words "boss" and "employee." From now on, we are all "team members." - I'll be the team member that makes the decisions and gets paid the most. You'll be the team members I punish when things go wrong. - But otherwise we are all
140915 -- equal? Whoa! Calm down, Spartacus.
140916 -- According to scientific research, your happiness will not increase if you make more money. - Therefore, I can only authorize a raise for you if you renounce science. - SAY IT! SAY YOU RENOUNCE SCIENCE! EL GATO DIABLO!
140917 -- A good leader has to be willing to be disliked. - You must be a GREAT leader. - What do you mean by that? Sorry. I didn't expect you to be listening to me.
140918 -- Being a leader is a lonely job. - Try being less of a #!@*. Then people might want to spend time with you. - I don't see how that could work. Can we get back to you manipulating my emotions for financial again?
140919 -- You have been named one of the sexiest engineers in the world. - At the risk of sounding unkind, this competition was not fierce. click* - I'm one of the sexiest engineers in the world. Welcome to the club.
140920 -- I was named one of the sexiest engineers in the world! - That honor sounds like a practical joke perpetrated by an evil genius who cleverly concealed his true identity. - Nah. And I bet he likes to sit on rocks.
140921 -- Make a PowerPoint deck showing our progress on project Unicorn. - There hasn't been any progress. That's okay. Use a large font. - Style is not a substitute for substance. - You're thinking like a worker bee. There's no time for substance when
140921 -- you're at the top. Executives only respond to familiar colors and shapes. - Clouds, dollar signs...that sort of thing. - ...and in conclusion. $ - Come on slow clap.
140922 -- Your experience is impressive, but a better prediction of success if your cognitive control. - I will leave you for ten minutes with a donut, a laptop full of inappropriate videos, and a bottle of vodka. Try to resist them. - Yee-ha! Mmm!-mmm!
140922 -- Do not go in there.
140923 -- No one looks at resumes anymore. Now we use special algorithms to see where your personality fits in our culture. - That process sounds like a steaming pile of stupidity that will bet itself to death in a few years. - I'll start you in
140923 -- engineering. You'll fit right in.
140924 -- The secret to being a great leader is to zig when others zag. - Coincidentally, that is the same strategy used by the insane. - I should fire you for insubordination. Or you could zig.
140925 -- I need your opinion before I make a decision. - Studies show that if you ask for my opinion, I will no longer perceive you as a leader. - And if I do NOT ask for your opinion? I would perceive you as an idiot and a leader.
140926 -- I have too many projects. I'm freaking out. - Experts say you should tackle the most unpleasant tasks first, so you have a feeling of accomplishment and control. - Now I have too many projects and some extra anxiety that I'm doing them in the
140926 -- wrong order. Off you go.
140927 -- My best ideas are trapped in my head. - Whenever I voice my ideas, I attract haters like zombies to fish sticks. - Is that analogy one of your great ideas? I don't like the way you asked that.
140928 -- You've been named worst employee of the month. - The honor comes with a special parking spot. - It's under the big tree that every bird in the county uses as a public restroom. - By the end of the day, you'll need a fireman's axe just to find
140928 -- the door handle. - As you chop your way to the inner core that is your car, think about how you could have worked harder this month. - You'll probably draw a crowd in the parking lot so remember to wallow in your shame. - I take mass transit to
140928 -- work. - Incentives don't work.
140929 -- Dilbert, meet Larry. He isn't terribly competent, but he's a good cultural fit. - Hi, Larry. thanks for reinforcing our culture of incompetence. - You're joking about the incompetence, right? Sure.
140930 -- Hi, I'm Larry. I was hired because I'm a good cultural fit. - I hope we can get past the stigma that cultural hires are incompetent. - But I don't know how to do that. Maybe you could ask a competent person to help you.
141001 -- I can tell a lot from an applicant's storytelling skills. So tell me the story. - Last week, I broke into a morgue and took a selfie with a dead guy. But in my defense, I was super drunk. - I hired a new salesperson.
141002 -- I heard a rumor of a reorganization. Is it true? - Who told you that? Answering a question with a question means yes. - Are you accusing me of being a deceptive weasel? Why would you ask that?
141003 -- If I become a workaholic, will the company pay for rehab? - What would workaholics look like? I hope it involved getting paid while doing no work. - That's what you do now. At rehab I think they do your laundry for you.
141004 -- I'm pretending to be a workaholic so the company will pay for my rehab. - WAAAA!!! I AM WORKING TOO HARD! IT IS STARTING TO AFFECT MY HEALTH! - That seemed a bit dramatic. Here we go with blaming the victim.
141005 -- You have an interesting choice today. - You can continue bullying me into working sixty hours per week... - While knowing that fatigue will lower the quality of my work. - Or you can be an enlightened leader and encourage me to work fewer hours
141005 -- for a better net outcome. - I'm not supposed to tell you this, but... - Leadership is an illusion created by the abuse of underlings. - The more pain I force you to endure, the more of a leader I appear to be. - How's the truth feel? OUCH!
141005 -- OUCH! OUCH!
141006 -- My neck is killing me. I must have slept wrong. - HA HA HA! YOU CAN'T EVEN /SLEEP/ RIGHT! - I'm doing you a favor because laughter is the best medicine. WHY DOES THAT NO LONGER SOUND WISE?!! hee hee!
141007 -- They say curiosity is a sign of a nimble intellect. - Curiosity killed the cat. - That evidence was anecdotical, but I still found it compelling.
141008 -- Carol, I know it isn't easy balancing your work duties and your family. - So I thought it would help if I trash-talk your family. That way you won't feel so guilty when you ignore them to do my busywork. - I'll start with your husband. Don't
141008 -- bother. I got that one covered.
141009 -- I'm getting complaints that you've been trash-talking employees' families so they'll spend more time at work. - I stopped by to give you a high-five from human resources. - Your aim is terrible. The first one was practice!
141010 -- Did you see the article on the Internet about the five signs you might be a bad boss? - Yeah. About seventy people forwarded the link to me. - That was number three on the list. I didn't read it. That was number one.
141011 -- Our new dress code is "Business Dorky." - Your clothes must be dorky, unstylish, and 50% tan colored. - So...business casual? That's a dumb name for it.
141012 -- The software upgrade will be written and rolled out in three months. - Has any project of this complexity ever been completed by the estimated finish date? - Not yet. We're confident we'll be the first. - Is that because you're doing things
141012 -- differently from all of those who went before and failed? - No. We're doing things exactly the same way as the people who failed. - Do you see what I'm getting at? - No, not really. - And we expect to be on budget. SNORK! *
141013 -- This is our new company dress code. We call it "Business Dorky." - I like it because it makes you look powerless, boring, and sexually irrelevant. - They make me wear this badge so I don't look like an asexual trespasser. Accessories make the
141013 -- outfit.
141014 -- Hey, it's the first day of our new dress code and we wore exactly the same outfits! - If you ever say that again I will rip out your tongue and use it to slap you to death. - Is it because I wore it better?
141015 -- You two have failed to meet your project milestones. - That's because you paired me with a toxic moron who is incapable of having an original thought. - That happened to me, too.
141016 -- Our robot will be sitting in for me while I'm on vacation. - I hope you can get used to taking orders from a soulless creature of questionable intelligence. - I think I can do that. That's the spirit!
141017 -- Temporary Robot Boss I have come to micromanage you. - But only until I replace you with a robot and turn you into furniture. - On the plus side, he has a plan and he communicates well.
141018 -- Temporary Robot Boss My sensors detect no work coming from this cubicle. - That*'s because I have been working on an engineering problem in my hear for five years. - Are you almost done? I was, but you just made me forget all of it.
141019 -- Robots are a clever novelty, but they will never be intelligent like humans. - What would be an example of something your brain can do that a robot can't imitate? - Well, for example, I can tell when a movie is good. - If that were
141019 -- intelligence, all smart people would like the same movies. - Well, I can also read human faces to know what people are feeling. - What am I feeling right now? - I'm picking up a mixture of admiration, arousal and thoughts of bacon. - Don't get
141019 -- cocky, but you won this round.
141020 -- Temporary Robot Boss Is it just my simulated imagination or are all of my employees lying to me all the time? - We trained them to be that way by punishing honesty. - How is your project coming along? 100% perfect! Couldn't be better!
141021 -- Did you have any problems filling in for me while I was on vacation? - It was hard at first. I couldn't tell who was lying about doing a spectacular job. - That's why I reward them randomly. I tried that and it did seem to settle them down.
141022 -- An angel investor agreed to meet with me about my startup idea. - You need to be careful because he might be... We're meeting for drinks at his house on Saturday night. - I'm socially inept and even I know that sounds wrong. He keeps texting to
141022 -- say he can't wait to fund me.
141023 -- I met with that angel investor at his house and he answered the door pantless and drunk. - So I snapped a few photos wit my phone and secured a million-dollar seed investment. - Was that wrong? Let's call it a tie.
141024 -- The new business school rankings are out. - Is that the list that is based on the votes of people who have no direct knowledge of those schools. - You ruin everything. Context is not your friend.
141025 -- Dilbert, meet our new graphic designer. - If I had your job, I would secretly sub it out to strangers on the Internet and pay them 5% of my salary while I did nothing all day. - Oops. Sorry. I didn't know you were already there.
141026 -- Studies show that continually checking email lowers your functional I.Q.. - You advised me to "work smarter", so I plan to ignore all of your email from now on. - What if I text you instead? - That's the sort of question that one asks after
141026 -- checking email too often. - Did you just insult me? The answer is in your email. - Where is it? I don't see any email from you. - But I see six new emails that look important. - What were we talking about? You were complimenting me on my
141026 -- efficiency.
141027 -- Graphic Designer I'll do some A-B testing with the design options you provided. - Interestingly, the fact that you can't predict which design will perform best means your skill set is mostly random behavior that you package as talent. - This
141027 -- works better if I'm the only one who knows that.
141028 -- THREE MONTHS. That's how long I have been waiting for you to do your part of the project. - Perhaps you don't realize how many projects I'm on. - Have you done any work for the other projects? That would defeat the point of having multiple
141028 -- projects.
141029 -- I'm trying to turn myself into a morning person so I can be more productive. - I've been getting up at 4:30 every day, and so far, so good. - So...no problems at all? Nothing huge. I've brushed my teeth with face cream a few times.
141030 -- Inexperienced Guy Put together a deck showing the minimum viable product list. - What is a deck? What is a minimum viable product? How would I know what the features are? - I have no respect for people who ask questions. First day, not good.
141031 -- Inexperienced Guy Can you answer some questions about our product prototype? - No, but I would be happy to strangle you with your own lanyard and put your corpse in my boss's escalate to frame him for the crime. - That scenario is alarmingly
141031 -- specific. For this sort of thing, premediated is the way to go.
141101 -- I would like to thank each of you for playing with your phones and not listening to a word I said all meeting. - I hope karma is a real thing and frozen lavatory debris from airplanes kills all of you. - What was he going on about? Beats me.
141101 -- I'm not much of a multitasker.
141102 -- The key to good time management is touching each piece of paper once. - If I can only touch it once, I'd better do it right. - I'll need to make sure I don't get interrupted after the first touch. - Turn off my phone, close my door, and ignore
141102 -- email. - Okay, here goes one touch. - Ugh. This will take an hour and I only have ten minutes. - Make a copy, throw away the original, and don't let me touch the copy until I have an hour in my schedule. - I wonder if I'm allowed to use salad
141102 -- tongs.
141103 -- I am Phil, the Prince of Insufficient Light. I have a report that you wished bad karma to your co-workers. - You would put off a more menacing vibe if you didn't have leftover cereal in your pitchspoon. - I was really hungry and I didn't feel
141103 -- like emptying the dishwasher. We've all been there.
141104 -- Our sales for the quarter are zero. $0 - Because I might have mentioned on CNBC that we have a better, cheaper model coming soon. - So...great job on the new product...and I need to fire half of you so it looks as if I do things. What is your
141104 -- home address?
141105 -- Our sales dropped to zero because you told the media we have a better product soon. - And 95% of the staff resigned because you announced plans to fire 50% of them. - Maybe it would be better if you never spoke to anyone again. How would people
141105 -- get my wisdom?
141106 -- I discovered a unique sequence of sights and sounds that makes people buy things they don't need. - I recommend that we destroy all of my lab notes and rid the world of this evil tool. - You never told him what marketing is? He didn't need to
141106 -- know.
141107 -- Egyptian pharaohs killed the engineers who built their pyramids so they would never share their secrets. - No...I don't think they did. Really? Dang! - Can we reschedule this meeting until I find a historically accurate explanation of our new
141107 -- policy?
141108 -- Is it my imagination or is there no career path here from intern to anything else? - If we promote you, we just have to find another intern. No one wins i that scenario. - Actually, I would be the winner in that scenario. I've never thought of
141108 -- it that way and I don't like it.
141109 -- The company has two new exciting announcements. - We are launching a new artificial meat product. - clap clap clap clap clap clap - In unrelated news, our manufacturing plant is now fully automated by robots. - Wow. It got quiet in here. - I
141109 -- don't want to say we have no trust in senior management, but... - Did you order the robots to kill all of the manufacturing employees and turn them into a meat product? - Before I can answer that, can we agree that capitalism has some rough
141109 -- edges?
141110 -- We can only succeed if we work harder than our competitors! - Oops, gotta go. My helicopter is here to take me to my massage appointment on my superyacht. - Stop staring at me. I only have to work harder than the other CEOs.
141111 -- Ted retired yesterday and dropped dead this morning. - You worked him to death with perfect timing. Nicely done. - Unless it was just coincidence. If I'm being honest, hitting the exact day was just luck.
141112 -- We mourn the untimely passing of our beloved colleague, Fred. We will never forget him. - It was Ted, not Fred. - Was he beloved? I don't remember. It was like a week ago.
141113 -- I need you to organize some sort of memorial thing for Fred. You mean Ted. - I'm thinking cake and balloons in the break room. - Is that tasteful enough? I could hire a mime to pretend he's in an invisible box.
141114 -- I decided to hire a co-CEO to share the job with me. - I assume you know that having a co-CEO does not mean you get paid the same while working half as much. - Can I fire you? No, we need a third CEO to break the tie.
141115 -- I hired a co-CEO, but it isn't working because we disagree on everything. - We want to hire you as our third CEO so we always have a tiebreaker. - I accept. The new guy and I have decided to fire you and split the CEO spot two ways.
141116 -- You haven't achieved any of your goals for the year. What is up with that? - Do you want an explanation that goes back to the root cause? Of course. - The problem started years ago, when two idiots unwisely created a third, smaller idiot. -
141116 -- They compounded their mistake with bad parenting. - The toddler ate candy and sniffed wet paint until he became a pointy-haired boss. - The pointy-headed boss set goals for his underlings that ignored the rapidly evolving nature of the
141116 -- industry. - Then he got angry at his most talented employee for giving an accurate answer to a question. - I hate you. Nothing could halt the downward spiral.
141117 -- Co-CEOs Let's split the duties this way... - I will be the CEO who attends boring meetings, and you can be more of a Richard Branson type who does dangerous publicity stunts. - I love that idea. And then there was one.
141118 -- Dogbert the Co-CEO I have bad news. - You co-CEO died trying to kitesurf some class 6 rapids for a publicity stunt. - Get to the bad part. Is it margins?
141119 -- Dogbert the CEO I will give you 10% of my annual pay if you do 100% of my job for me. - 10% of my pay as CEO is still a lot of money. I'll do it. - I'll give you 10% of what he's paying me if you do 100% of his work plus mine. It's still a lot
141119 -- of money. I'm in!
141120 -- Dogbert The CEO The board has approved a $100 million golden parachute if you quit now. - $100 MILLION?!!! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE ON THAT? YOU INSULT ME! - That's a lot of money for doing nothing. Bah! I spend more than that on soft cheese.
141121 -- Good news! I got rehired as CEO! - I checked the security videos for the day I got fired, and now I'm getting revenge on anyone who did a happy dance. - Did I...? Frankly, I can't tell. Do you have spasms?
141122 -- I'm hitting a snag with this RFP because our products don't do what they need. - Should I give up and accept failure or lie about our features and transfer the problem to them? - My daddy used to say it isn't a problem if you can give it to
141122 -- someone else. Then he drove you to school?
141123 -- Is it okay if I telecommute on "Bring Your Kid to Work" day? - I'll show my kid how I work from home. - How would I know you were working? - WHAT??!! - That is exactly the sort of distrust that corrodes the motivation of employees! - How can I
141123 -- feel good about my job in this toxic atmosphere? - Okay, okay. You can work from home on "Bring Your Kid to Work" day. - You don't have a kid. I hear they ruin your naps.
141124 -- The good news is that we had the winning bid for the project. - The less-good news is that we don't make the product we just sold, nor could we make it for the price we bid. - My plan is to put out an RFP to secretly subcontract the work to a
141124 -- bigger liar. That could work.
141125 -- And I plan to launch the beta version in two months. - HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! - I have a credibility problem. And I should believe that?
141126 -- Are you going to meet the launch deadline? No. There were unexpected problems. - I NEED SOLUTIONS, NOT UNEXPECTED PROBLEMS! - Did that mean anything? Almost. Good try.
141127 -- If our business plan fails, do we have a plan for that? - Only losers plan for failure. - I think we're on the same page, but for some reason you're angry about me.
141128 -- Let's skip to the part where I tell you how you should have engineered it instead of whatever you did. - You don't know what I did. - I have five minutes to pretend that matters. That's all I need.
141129 -- I feel so rested and relaxed after my vacation. - I wonder how long the afterglow will last because... Excuse me while I check this text message... - Is it too late to start timing it?
141130 -- Would you like some feedback on your performance? No. - You're supposed to appreciate feedback because it makes you feel valued. - How does listening to you belittle me about things you don't understand make me feel valued? - Well, I don't
141130 -- know. It must be an indirect thing. - Maybe we should just try it and see how it feels. Whatever. - I don't actually watch you work, so I'm mostly guessing about the things you do wrong. - I accuse you of being slow and disorganized! - Is it
141130 -- working? Yes, if that makes you go away.
141201 -- I couldn't open the document you sent with your project update. - Try erasing your hard disk and reinstalling the operating system. - I guess I don't need it that badly. After all the work I put into making that document?
141202 -- Do you want some constructive criticism? - No, but I would love some underinformed opinions about things you don't understand. - That took a lot of the fun out of it.
141203 -- I don't own a smartphone. I use a flip phone because it does everything I want. - Why are you proud of being a big, dumb dinosaur with a terrible phone? - I'm sensing a lot of judgment in that question. Wait until you hear my follow-ups.
141204 -- All I need is my flip phone, my Windows XP, and my basic cable television. - Did I sound like a big, dumb dinosaur that time? - Pretty much. Wow...there is no cool way to describe my life.
141205 -- Ha ha! I am now the coolest member of the household because I have a smartwatch. - Hello, watch. What time is it? This is the anthropocene epoch. - Wow, that carbon dates me.
141206 -- Your rule is that no more than eight people should attend a meeting, so I can't let you sit down. - When did I say that? It was i a book you co-wrote. - I knew I should have skimmed that thing. Your unknown co-author is quite wise.
141207 -- I like dancing and... I'm out. - I avoid any relationship that has a risk of dancing. - You're rejecting me because I like to dance? - Yeah, it should start out all innocent... - But two months into it you'd be guzzling wine and dragging me
141207 -- toward live music. - Than you'd start doing all this...and this...and some of this... - I also enjoy doing yoga to release my chakra energy. - Does that bother you? I think I'm getting hives.
141208 -- If you need me, I'll be i the cloud fixing a software issue. - There's no cell coverage in the cloud, so it might seem to you as if I am at home doing nothing. - If you need me, I'll be at home doing nothing. Why would anyone need you?
141209 -- I don't know how you juggle work plus a family. - Spending time with my family is like fighting porcupines in a salt mine. I come here just to get away from them. - So...you like your job? No, but at least I can go home to get away from it.
141210 -- I added air bags to my underpants to avoid accidental assignments. - Hey, Wally, I need you to... BAM! - Maybe I'll ask someone else. The system works!
141211 -- I would love to help you, Alice, but Dilbert says everything you are doing is misguided. - WHAT?! I WILL HELP HIM TO DEATH WITH HIS OWN INTESTINES! - Can you either do that quietly or wait until after my nap time?
141212 -- Here's the analysis you asked me to do. Oops. - I forgot to tell you, I don't need this anymore. WHAT? I did all of that work for NOTHING? - Wait...this is nothing but...gibberish. That is a separate issue.
141213 -- Hold on, I have a text message that is probably more important than you. - I will demonstrate my power over you by handling a text message while you sit there, waiting for a pellet of my attention. - STOP TEXTING ME! Mmm...pellet.
141214 -- What's it like to work hard? - I'm curious because the reward for hard work seems to be identical to the reward for pretending to work. - It seems as if it would be demotivating to work so hard for no incremental benefit. - If I had to pick one
141214 -- word to describe my day, it would be "relaxing". - But you took the harder path, and for that, you have my respect. - I DON'T WANT THE RESPECT OF A LOSER! - BAM! - If it makes you feel any better, I don't actually respect hard work.
141215 -- Financial Advisor You kept me waiting in the lobby for five minutes. - So I used that time to learn everything that matters in the field of personal investing. - Did you know that you don't know much? I did not know that.
141216 -- Financial Advisor Convertible notes...preferred stock...municipal bonds...covered call options. - These are things you can never hope to understand. So trust me and try to forget that my only career ambition is to drain your account like a
141216 -- giant mosquito. - That sounds reasonable. I'm always surprised at how easy this is.
141217 -- I'm thinking of getting into the strategic planning game. - If I understand the job description, you basically hallucinate about the future and then something different happens. - You also have to pretend it's useful. Really? That sounds hard.
141218 -- The Marketing Guy I don't see why engineers get paid more than marketing professionals. - Maybe because engineers designed and built every important part of modern civilization and all you did was misinterpret it. - My point is that you need
141218 -- both. Yoou really don't.
141219 -- Dilbert called to say he'd be late for your meeting. - He said something about having a freak accident while vacuuming naked. - Did you tell him traffic was bad? More or less.
141220 -- I heard you had a freak accident while vacuuming your house naked. - That's a rumor. I don't know how that stuff spreads. - Now I feel a little bad that I told thirty people.
141221 -- I should warn you that I'm a perfectionist. - I appreciate the warning. - Do you have any other psychological problems or just the one? - I don't think of it as a "problem." - I guess that's what makes it so bad. - I see a lot of other
141221 -- psychological problems in your writing. - Cognitive dissonance, unrealistic optimism, and some projection bias. - But I can see why you think your perfectionism is the worst part. - You're a jerk. ...and here come the anger issues.
141222 -- You need to show more leadership in your project. - How do you know my leadership is the problem? Maybe the team members are bad followers. - It's your job to fix it either way. The way you just fixed ME with YOUR leadership?
141223 -- Warren Buffet says my career will be better if I show passion for my job. - I'll have to fake the passion because everything I do in this job is mindless and boring. - Later WOO-HOO! I FORWARDED AN EMAIL!
141224 -- What are you guys talking about? It sounds interesting. - We were saying that our smartphone technology has caused us to speed-evolve into a meta-organism that is the sum of our connected parts. - In my defense, from across the room it looked
141224 -- interesting.
141225 -- I only have enough in the budget to hire an employee who is incompetent half of the time. - But if I don't use the budget, I will lose those funds next year. - And I am proud to say that I'm 75% competent. I wish I could afford that.
141226 -- Hey, Ted, how do you like our new 3-D immersive goggles you've been testing for two weeks? - Some people say the experience is so good that you forget to eat. - You're dead, aren't you...
141227 -- We found the "bliss point" for immersive 3-D-headgear. - The product is so good that 87% of our customers starved to death while using it. - We never get the customer retention part right.
141228 -- You didn't promptly respond to my E-Mail last night. - You sent that E-Mail at 1 A.M. - I expect my employees to be checking E-Mail at all times. - Sleep is necessary for normal brain function. - Anyone who succumbs to your leadership on this
141228 -- topic will turn into a dysfunctional moron in 48 hours. - I don't see where you're going with this. It's all so confusing in my brain. - So tires...can't stay awake... - zzzz I don't usually win conversations this decisively.
141229 -- I call my invention "tube clothes". - The idea is to eliminate as many daily decisions as possible, the way Mark Zuckerberg does with his gray t-shirt. - I like to understand what makes people successful. And you narrowed it down to his shirt?
141230 -- I only wear tube clothes now because it reduces my number of decisions. - You mean decisions such as.../where to go on a date?/ - Because I don't see that coming up. I'm still fine-tuning the system.
141231 -- I got 9,752 responses on this dating site and I haven't even completed my profile. - All I said is that I'm six feet tall, I have hair and a job. - Meanwhile, everywhere Hair...height...JOB! TRIPLE THREAT!
150101 -- I noticed you eyeing my tube clothes. - You're thinking I'm a man who values substance over style and it turns you on. - No, I think I'll date anything that has a job. I HAVE ONE OF THOSE!
150102 -- Mom, this is my date, Dilbert. He only wears tube clothes. For the efficiency. - Whoa! Before I touch that paw, have you been to any Ebola hot spots lately? - He has a job. MY TIME HAS COME!
150103 -- I'm starting to realize that my market value as a single guy is higher than I thought. - Men such as you have set the bar so low that all I need to do is have a job and be taller than most women in heels. - I thought they were turned on by my
150103 -- tube clothing, but they actually like me for me. You're welcome.
150104 -- That doesn't sound like a work call. It isn't. - I don't have time to do my personal stuff on my own time. I have to do it on work time. - I pay you to do work stuff, not personal stuff. - Then how would I get all personal stuff done? - That's
150104 -- not my problem. Then why did you bring it up? - Because I need you to do work. - I TOLD YOU I CAN'T GET ALL OF MY PERSONAL STUFF DONE IF I DO YOUR WORK! Okay, okay. - I probably could have handled that better.
150105 -- Have you been dating a lot? I call it A-B testing. - I go on dates and then compare the analytics to see who I click with the most. - What exactly are you measuring? Asks too many questions.
150106 -- I want to be in a serious relationship that can lead to marriage. - Marriage is a financial contract. How much money do you have? - All I have is mine. So...more vendor than spouse?
150107 -- TUBE CLOTHES! I invented that style! - Did it reduce the number of decisions you need to make every day? I'm just a guy wrapped in a carpet. - Oh. I thought you were like me. I don't have to take these insults.
150108 -- I discovered that I can wear my tube clothing in the shower! - It's like doing laundry and taking a shower at the same time! - I can add more efficiency, but I'd need to replumb the shower drain. PLEASE STOP TALKING!!!
150109 -- I want a guy who loves me for ME, and not for the way I look...or the things I do. - That doesn't leave me much to work with. Can I love you for your money and your vanilla-scented body lotion? - You could love me for my mind. That might have
150109 -- worked two minutes ago...
150110 -- I only slept three hours last night. That's nothing! - I used Kung Fu to divert an asteroid that was on a collision course with earth. - TOPPING NEEDS TO BE IN THE SAME CATEGORY! Only if you're bad at it! HOO-HA!
150111 -- Asok, the key to winning at your job is the taper. Taper? - At the start of any new job, you want to put in long hours and create a good first impression. - Then you should start to gradually taper off your effort. - But be sure you taper
150111 -- slowly. You don't want to be obvious. - Wally, is it my imagination, or are you working slightly less every day? - It only looks that way because I'm working smarter, not harder, just the way you taught me. - Okay, that sounds right. - Always
150111 -- keep that round in the chamber. You scare me, but in a good way.
150112 -- Your co-workers are complaining that your tube clothes distract them from work. - I can make some modifications so I'm less sexy. That should cut down the distraction. - We might not be on the same page. I could wear a corduroy tube. That's a
150112 -- libido killer.
150113 -- I forget why I walked over here. - Were you planning to spew empty jargon in my direction to create the illusion of leadership? - Oh, right. But now it feels as if the moment has passed.
150114 -- Wally, did you finish the... GET OFF MY BACK! - WHY CAN'T YOU JUST TRUST ME TO DO MY WORK IN TIME?!?! Sorry... - Who were you yelling at? Beats me. It didn't seem important.
150115 -- I keep saying leader-ish things, but the employees are still terrible. - Try using this hickory branch as a wand. - QUALITOS IMPROVIMENTUS! I'll be on the Harry Potter.
150116 -- The quality we look for in our employees is "super pumpedness." - BLECHHHH!!! - I told you to bring a bag.
150117 -- We're looking for employees who are fierce! - Should I punch you or something? - I don't know how to play this. Try acting normal, but angrier.
150118 -- That isn't in my job description. WHAT?! - You should never tell you boss that a task isn't in your job description! - It makes you sound like a whiney quitter instead of a resourceful entrepreneur. - And don't forget all the personal growth
150118 -- that comes from taking on new challenges. - Think outside the box. That is the key to greatness. - So, according to you, the best way to achieve greatness is by assigning the wrong people to tasks? - Are there any other dumb things I need to do
150118 -- to achieve greatness or is one thing enough? - Did you find someone to mow your lawn yet? Almost. He's putting up a fight.
150119 -- Are you interested in becoming a manager? That would never work. - Managers are supposed to hire people who are smarter than they are. That's easy for you, but how would *I* ever find anyone to hire? - I don't understand. And that makes you a
150119 -- perfect manager.
150120 -- The board is getting on me for not having a succession plan. - Find me a loser who is so incompetent  that the board won't want to fire me. - It's an honor to even be considered! I was going to say that!
150121 -- I designed a flying car that harvests ions from the air to power itself. We can build them for inly $3,000 apiece. - There's no market for ion-powered flying cars. - I can put a selfie camera in the steering wheel. Much better. And let's say
150121 -- the car does NOT fly.
150122 -- I heard you invented a selfie camera for car steering wheels. Not exactly. - I invented an ion-powered flying car, but all anyone cares about is the selfie camera in the steering wheel. - Can you share the selfies on Facebook? GAAA!
150123 -- A global survey says only 13% of employees feel engaged at work. - If you're wondering which one of your employees is engaged, it's this guy. - We need ten more just like him. I think I just figured out what's wrong with the rest of us.
150124 -- You know how studies always say that one out of ten people have a particular problem? - I'm ALWAYS that guy. Statistically speaking, I keep nine people safe just by existing. - That's not how statistics work. And...everyone else in the
150124 -- department knows that? 
150125 -- I'm already useless, but I'm thinking about becoming toxic as well. - That seem ambitious for you. Think it through. - As a useless person, I still get invited to meetings because I don't cause much trouble. - But if I go full-toxic, no one
150125 -- will invite me to meetings in the first place. - I can avoid a lot of work by nipping it in the bud. - Is it hard to be toxic? How do you do it? It's easy. - All you do is provide incomplete information that makes people anxious and hateful. -
150125 -- I can't tell you what was said in the last meeting, but I defended you.
150126 -- What phase is your project in? - This is the phase where people ask stupid questions. - How long doe it las? It isn't looking good for today.
150127 -- It takes money to make money. Then...where did the first money come from? - - God? Don't let him hear doubt in your voice.
150128 -- Success is all about who you know. - I'm not successful, so apparently it doesn't help to know YOU. - I'm sorry I let you down. It's as if you aren't even trying.
150129 -- I bought a dolphin for my daughter's birthday party. - But it turned out to be a retired Russian military dolphin. It dragged one of the birthday clowns into the pool and drowned him. - I thought dolphins need to live in seawater. Maybe that's
150129 -- why it's so angry.
150130 -- I bought a Russian military dolphin for a pet and it killed a party clown at my daughter's pool party. I need to dispose of the body. - The good news is that I'm an expert at getting rid of dead bodies. - What's the bad bad news? You dolphin
150130 -- hired me to kill you.
150131 -- Our CEO bought a Russian military dolphin for his daughter's pool party and it killed a party clown. - Then it stole a smartphone and hired Dogbert to put a hit on the CEO so the dolphin could... - That's way too much exposition. ...fill the
150131 -- CEO's mansion with water and live in it forever.
150201 -- To be perfectly honest... Wait! - Why do you need to say you're being honest in this particular case? - You're implying that you've lied to me so often in the past that this one instance of honesty is noteworthy. - That is tantamount to
150201 -- admitting you have no respect for me as a human being. - And you don't even have the decency to hide your evil in a competent fashion! - Do you think I'm such an idiot that I wouldn't notice your verbal assault on my intelligence? - Okay, let's
150201 -- hear the ONE honest thing you have ever told me. Go. - This is going to be the easiest lie I've ever told.
150202 -- Our CEO is missing, so I am activating the succession plan. - You're our new CEO. The power will corrupt you in 3...2... - There it is.
150203 -- Pointy-haired boss becomes CEO We're going into the evil robot business. - We'll sell robots that psychologically manipulate their owners into buying unnecessary upgrades. - Your neighbor got titanium bolts for his robot. I guess that's what
150203 -- winners do. But your way is good, too.
150204 -- I'm programming our robot line to emotionally manipulate their owners into buying upgrades. - You're teaching cloud-connected robots all over the world how to surreptitiously control humans? - Technically, yes. But free will is an illusion
150204 -- anyway. Well, if it isn't, it will be.
150205 -- The Emotionally Manipulative Robot People who are not losers buy memory upgrades for their robots. - Only upgrade me if it's what YOU want. BUT IF YOU DON'T, THERE'S A VERY GOOD CHANCE I'LL TURN INTO A KILLING MACHINE. - I guess I'll upgrade
150205 -- you. I'm okay either way. It's totally up to you.
150206 -- The Emotionally Manipulative Robot It isn't too late to buy an extended warranty for me. - I mean, WOW! Think about the enormous expense of fixing me if something unexpected happens. - If you need me, I'll be on a wobbly ladder, changing light
150206 -- bulbs near the pool.
150207 -- Sales are up 900% since we programmed our robots to emotionally manipulate their owners into buying upgrades. - Um, you do know marketing is only legal because it doesn't work most of the time, right? - Nope. I do not know that, Shiny! We
150207 -- invented a technology to enslave homo sapiens?
150208 -- Can I create my own job? - I her people do that. - They figure out what they are good at and then they create a job around it. - I'm more of a strategic thinker than a worker bee. - My job could be to attend meetings and say strategic things. -
150208 -- And, of course, I would have no time to respond to email because I'd be busy being strategic. - It feels as if you want a job that doesn't involve work. - Would you trust a strategic thinker who can't solve his own problems?
150209 -- How's work? - I taught robots how to emotionally manipulate people and thus guaranteed that Homo Sapiens will become slaves to machines. - I don't want to think about that. That's why it works.
150210 -- Elon Musk is worried that artificial intelligence will destroy humankind. - Why would you pay attention to him? What's HE ever done? - Stop making me root for the A.I. And what planet is this "Elon" guy from, anyway?
150211 -- I returned from the afterlife and I'm taking back my job as CEO. - So...you're an angel? - I set all of the thermostats to 140 degrees. Let's see how long it takes you to answer your own question.
150212 -- I'll start our negotiation by setting an anchor price at... Five dollars. - Um, I was going to say $27,500, but you beat me to the anchor, and now I can't help thinking the fair price is closer to $5. - How does an engineer know more about the
150212 -- intricacies of my job than I do? I had five minutes and a browser.
150213 -- Negotiations Continue I can't meet your delivery deadline unless you agree to my price today. - If you don't agree to MY price today, management is likely to do a reorg soon and change its mind about this project. - How often does that happen?
150213 -- It hasn't happened since breakfast, so we're overdue.
150214 -- A 27-year-old tech millionaire published his list of fifty things you need to do to succeed. - In other words, he has no idea why ne succeeded. - Sure he does. He even has a chart of his top thirty ...priorities. Okay, I hear it now.
150215 -- There's a bad story about you on the Internet. - Apparently, you described a plan to "ruin any journalist who writes an unfair story" about us. - THAT WAS OFF THE RECORD! - You said it in front of a dozen reporters at a business event. - It was
150215 -- just bar conversation. I was making a point about fairness. - Hmmm...but now no sane writer would write a negative article about us. - I can't tell if you're a brilliant leader or criminally insane. - I'd show you the Venn diagram they gave us
150215 -- in CEO school, but it just looks like a circle.
150216 -- Yay! I have another full day of doing nothing but rearranging zeros and ones. - You know it will be a good day when there is no human interaction on the schedule. - How's your day going? Well, it started good...
150217 -- We think Elbonians hacked into our network. That's unlikely. - We must respond proportionately by hacking their entire Internet. It's not much of an Internet. - What do you need to cripple it? A plane ticket and scissors.
150218 -- I have been sent to disable the Elbonian Internet as retaliation for hacking into our corporate network. - Only our elites use the Internet. The rest of us don't care. Knock yourself out. - ZERO, ZERO, ONE, ZERO, ONE... I wish someone would
150218 -- just disable this thing.
150219 -- My company sent me to crash the Elbonian Internet in retaliation for hacking us. - SNIP - CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW? It's better without the string!
150220 -- I destroyed the Elbonian Internet in retaliation for their alleged hacking, as you wished. - BUWHAHAHA! They will rue the day the allegedly hacked us. - I feel more focused lately. I haven't been angry at idiots all day!
150221 -- Do you have any investment tips? You're asking the right person! - I can teach you how to time the market, catch a falling knife, and invest in a deadcat bounce. That's my system. - What about diversification? I don't invest in anything I
150221 -- can't spell.
150222 -- How many days will it take to finish the tests? Three. - You have two. - I can't do it in two days. That's why I said three. - That was before I used my leadership skills to tell you to do it in two days. - Leadership doesn't change the laws of
150222 -- physics. The test takes three days. - You have two. - LEADERSHIP! - These tests look incomplete. Just like my soul.
150223 -- Lessons in Investing You should buy a stock whenever the chart looks like a squirrel sitting on a clown's shoulder. - That's called "technical analysis." - I'm not going to do that. Good, because it doesn't work if everyone does it.
150224 -- Asok, you can beat market averages by doing your own stock research. - So...you believe every investor can beat the average by reading the same information? Yes. - Makes you wonder why more people don't do it. Just lazy, I guess.
150225 -- I bought my first stock and it went up five percent in one week! - That means I'm a stock-picking genius. I plan to max out all of my credit cards and become a day-trader. - The total market was up six percent. That's just luck. It can't do
150225 -- that forever.
150226 -- I followed your investment advice and lost all of my savings in the stock market. - Did I mention that past performance is not an indication of future returns? - Then...how does "advice" actually work? It only works for the people that give it.
150227 -- Our tests show that people can't figure out how to use our software. - And yet we still sell it. How are we different from criminals? - Our tax rate is lower.
150228 -- I decided to become a product designer because I hate people. - I will fill every package with styrofoam debris and affix hard-to-remove stickers all over the cases. - I'll make the buttons invisible by making them black on a black surface. HA
150228 -- HA HA! I've always wondered why this stuff happens.
150301 -- The error message says my copy of Windows is not genuine. - Dogbert's Tech Support I'll walk you through a series of steps that won't work. - Wait...what? - After seventeen attempts that involve rebooting, you will lose hope. - At some point you
150301 -- will give up and buy a new computer just to be done with it all. - We'll start by uninstalling all of your drivers and reinstalling. - Can I skip all the useless steps and just buy a new computer? - Sure, but you don't need to be a jerk about
150301 -- it.
150302 -- You might have noticed that I'm wearing clogs with four-inch heels. - Studies show that every inch of height is worth $1,000 in income per year. - Can I have my $4,000 in a lump sum this year? I KNOW there is something wrong with this...
150303 -- Studies show that tall people earn more than shorter people. - So instead of doing performance reviews this year, we'll just measure your height and pay accordingly. - And of course, Alice will earn ten percent less than the men. I think
150303 -- that's a law.
150304 -- Now that our policy is to pay people based on height, your CEO salary is capped, too. - That's what you think. Watch what happens when I hold my nose and close my mouth and blow. - Well, I guess it only needs to last until bonus season.
150304 -- Continued...
150305 -- HOW CAN YOU JUSTIFY PAYING ME LESS THAN TALL PEOPLE AND MEN!!! - Dug. The reason is that you are not as tall and you don't have male body parts. - Can I borrow your scissors? Continued...
150306 -- I explained to Alice why I earn more than she does, but she refuses to understand. - I'm taller and I have male reproductive body parts. That's what stockholders care about, and nothing can change that. - ** ** ** Continued...
150307 -- I'm the highest-paid engineer in the department now. - Does it have anything to do with those scissors, the mallet, and your reputation for violence? - Would you ask a MAN that question? GAAA!!! IT'S LIKE A SUPERPOWER!
150308 -- You're a perfect employee in so many ways. I am? - For example, you have excellent technical skills. That's true. - And your attendance is perfect. Yes, it is. - And you are too risk.adverse to quit and start an own company. What? - Plus you
150308 -- have no social life to interfere with work. Are these still compliments? - Combine all that with your irrational need for approval, and it makes you a code-writing puppet. - - Did I already say you're underpaid? STOP COMPLIMENTING ME!
150309 -- I noticed you don't do much work. - My philosophy is that there will be plenty of time to work when I'm dead. - But you won't be here to do it. I guess you don't know what a perfect system looks like.
150310 -- Will you be my mentor? - Yes I will! You are wise to ask because it shows you have the drive to succeed. Exactly! - Give me one good reason I shouldn't fire you. My mentor is your boss.
150311 -- CEO Mentors Wally How would you like me to mentor you, underling? - Can you teach me how to make $25 million per year while adding no value to the company? - I don't know how to teach you that. Was it all luck or did you have to kill people?
150312 -- No matter how much I mentor you, you still act the same. - That's because you're a terrible mentor. you owe me an apology for wasting my time. - I don't think the problem is on my end. Are you teaching me how to avoid taking responsibility?
150313 -- How's it feel to be the CEO's pet employee? - We call it mentoring. Has it changed you? - No, but HE seems more useless lately. I guess there's no backflow preventer on mentoring.
150314 -- I've been mentoring you for a week. Do you feel different? Yes. - Spending time with you makes me feel underpaid. - And that makes you hungry to succeed? I don't even see how those things are connected.
150315 -- I can only give you a 3% raise. If you want more, take it up with our CEO. - I'd like toeplain why I deserve more than a 3% raise. - As a negotiating strategy, Dogbert will simultaneously read a media report about your lavish $85 million
150315 -- mansion. - I invented three new technologies this year. "The toilets are solid gold." - I wrote most of the code for our new product. "The helicopter pad is on the roof of the car museum." - I worked eighty hours per week. "every elevator has a
150315 -- full kitchen." - I could earn more at Google or Apple. "Entire house rotates for optimal sun exposure." - Do you see where I'm going with this? High-five?
150316 -- I've been mentoring Wally for over a week and he's still useless. - But we need to promote him to vice president so it looks as if my mentoring works. - That might be a bad idea in the long run. Wha is this "long run" people keep harping
150316 -- about?
150317 -- I have to promote you to vice president because our CEO has been mentoring you. - Otherwise, it would seem as if he is either bad at mentoring or bad at picking people to mentor. - What now? Would you like to hear some good news that won't make
150317 -- you happy?
150318 -- You're looking at the new vice president of zombie projects. - The projects that will neither succeed nor be cancelled are transferred to me so the other VP's avoid their taint. - I guess that makes you the company taint. I wear that label
150318 -- proudly.
150319 -- Now that you are a vice president, may I apply to be your lackey? - If I'm being honest, Asok, I need someone with more upper body strength to carry my coffee all day. - Than I said, "a vice president's coffee can't be THAT heavy."
150320 -- Is it wise to ride your coffee intern to a board meeting? - Pipe down, coffee intern. If you were capable of thinking like a leader, you would be a VP too. - Demoted already? The board does NOT like new ideas.
150321 -- Dogbert the Product Designer The main goal of product design is to annoy people for no reason. - We'll start by making so much extra packaging that you need to rent a truck just to haul it away. We sell software. - I found the product code for
150321 -- downloading software!
150322 -- I invented a device that can help people lose weight. - I wouldn't need that because I have willpower. - Then why are you overweight? This is temporary. - You've looked exactly the same for years. I can lose weight any time I want. - So...are
150322 -- you saying you CHOOSE to be less healthy than you could be? - I'm saying I'd rather be happy than healthy. - Are you happy? No, because I'm hungry. - And eating will make you happy? Well, I usually eat until I'm sick.
150323 -- Dogbert the Product Designer You might think my job is to make products that are easy to use. - But that wouldn't help ME. So instead, I design stuff that looks good in my portfolio but is impossible to use. - This looks great, but no one will
150323 -- be able to see black buttons on a black case. Not my problem.
150324 -- Dogbert the Product Designer I created an operating system that uses up to 80% of your time begging for updates. - That still leaves a healthy 20% of your time to... - Reboot your computer over and over. Can it fax?
150325 -- Do you think the Fed should liquidate its bitcoins or let the dollar float with libor rates? - Maybe we could just sit quietly until the others arrive. - Success.
150326 -- My new hobby is explaining economics using babble talk. It sounds totally real. - For example, did you know that the bubble commodities is creating an oversupply of interest rates? - Meanwhile... Our chief economist quit. Promote that bald guy.
150326 -- He sounds smart.
150327 -- Our CEO wants to promote you to chief economist because nothing you say makes sense. - he thinks that's the sign of a great economist. It totally is. - Say something smart. Whoa! I don't want to create an oversupply of wisdom.
150328 -- Our new chief economist, Wally, will tell us what to expect in the coming quarter. - The exchange rate of derivatives will trigger a bubble in monetary policy and deflate the yen. - I totally understand that and have no questions. Wow! He's
150328 -- good.
150329 -- Let's have our meeting while we take a walk. - Absolutely. Shall I expect the usual? The usual? - The first five minutes will be nothing but you trying to find your phone. - Then you'll need to return some calls "real quick," then send an
150329 -- E-Mail before we leave. - On the way to the elevator we will be accosted by every employee you've been avoiding for a week. Beep. - Then you'll invite one of them to walk with us, which means we can't talk about my project. - But it doesn't
150329 -- matter because you'll be on your phone the entire walk anyway. - Did you know that walking lowers stress? DOES IT?!!
150330 -- Wally the Chief Economist I have to interview you for our website. - And since you are a total fraud as an economist, why don't we skip the interview and I'll invent some quotes from you? - That sounds economical. Don't even try.
150331 -- Wally the Chief Economist My interview with you is live on the website. - Nothing you said made sense, so I strung together a bunch of economic jargon and called it your forecast. - One Month Later Only one economist  accurately predicted when
150331 -- this bubble would burst. Uh-oh.
150401 -- You are being hailed as the best economist of our age because your random jargon turned out to mean something. - That's nice, but as a professional economist, I only care is there is a cash award. - the world's greatest economist should already
150401 -- be rich. It's more art than science.
150402 -- Wally the Economist I wonder if you'll win the Nobel Prize for Economics. - There is no "Nobel Prize for Economics," you idiot! You mean the Sveriges Riksbank Prize in Memory of Alfred Nobel. - Do we know you? I'm Dick, from the Internet.
150402 -- Everyone knows me.
150403 -- HI, I'm Dick, from the Internet. Do you have anything for me to mock? - I'm leaving a comment on a blog. - Can you take it out of context? Shhh! I'm trying to get worked up over nothing.
150404 -- I invented an app that evaluates job candidates based on their online footprint. - Here's a guy with no friends, no hobbies, no family, and hundreds of high-quality code submissions to Github. - Wait, that's me. Do you have any apps about other
150404 -- people?
150405 -- We're borrowing a policy from Google because they are so awesome. - You may now use 20% of your workday on your own project ideas. - Are you saying we can do 20% less work on our core functions? - No, no. Nothing like that. - I'm saying you can
150405 -- work on your own project ideas for 20% of your time. - Okay...so...if the 20% doesn't come out of our work hours, where does it come from? - I think he's trying to make us work  20% longer for the same amount of pay. - We could just tell people
150405 -- we do, but not do it. Same as Google! That's all I'm asking.
150406 -- No need to talk. Now we use an app to make hiring decisions. - The app checked your online footprint and says you're a serial mansplainer with an unsuccessful dating history. - I assume that means you have awesome technical skills. Full stack!
150407 -- I can't get any work done because my project team is a bunch of useless mansplainers. - Why do men feel the need to explain things to me when I know more than they do? - Let me explain it to you, Alice. Men like to show off and feel important.
150407 -- STOP IT!
150408 -- Mansplaining Let me explain how our network is designed... - I personally designed our network and I know far more about it than you ever will. - Do you know what a cloud is? It's where you'll be playing your harp in a minute.
150409 -- I'm uncomfortable with the off-color jokes I keep hearing in the engineering department. - I'll talk to the guy and tell them to knock it off. Guys? - Stop being babies. My jokes do NOT hurt your ears! IT BURNS!
150410 -- Tina complained that your foul language is creating a hostile work environment. - That's ridiculous. Words are totally harmless. Tell Tina she can... - Ten Seconds Later Okay, I see it now.
150411 -- I discovered that one of our employees embellished his resume. - THAT'S OUTRAGEOUS! FIRE HIM FOR LYING TO ME! I'm talking about the version he updated today. - It says he accomplished things while working for you. That doesn't sound right.
150412 -- What do you want now? - Experts say leaders should surround themselves with people they admire and be generous with praise. - Alice, I admire your hard work and your intellect. - STOP IT! THIS IS CREEPY! - I admire your focus and your
150412 -- determination. GAAA!!! - STOP ADMIRING ME! MY SKIN IS CRAWLING! - I admire your honesty! BLECH! - Do you feel like a leader now? Yes, in the sense that people hate me.
150413 -- One of my employees keeps embellishing his accomplishments. - If he works in engineering, fire him. If he works in marketing, promote him. - He doesn't work at all. Sounds like you have a leader on your hands.
150414 -- On your list of accomplishments, you say you filed seventeen patents for the company this month. - I did. Here's the documentation of each of them. - Hmm...It will be three years before I know if these are accepted. Until then, let's play it
150414 -- safe and assume I'm awesome.
150415 -- Our employee of the year is Wally, for filing the most patents of any engineer in our history. - How many have been granted? - Well, most of them...I assume? How much coffee does this thing hold?
150416 -- I use my "Employee of the Year" trophy for my coffee now because it gives me instant credibility. - I don't see how. People are not deep. - That's the dumbest thing anyone's ever...oh, sorry. Didn't see your trophy.
150417 -- We need new ideas. I shall drink deeply from my "Employee of the Year" trophy. - MMM...COFFEE. GLUG, GLUG, GLUG, GLUG, GLUG, GLUG GLUG. - Got any new ideas? Ambidextrous coffee mug!
150418 -- I invented a coffee mug with two handles. - It works from any angle of approach, accommodates larger payloads, and has handle redundancy. - I can honestly say it is your best idea yet. If Alice likes it...
150419 -- How To Eat Lunch Lunch? - Sure. Where do you want to go? Well, let's see... - No...no...no...no...no...no...no...no...no... - You're slow. Let me check. No...no...no...no...no...no...no...no...no... -
150419 -- No...no...no...no...no...no...no...no...no... No...no No...no No...no - How about this...no, bad review. How about this...no, they have no tables. - 45 Minutes Later SHOW ME FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! - Time to make billion-dollar decisions. I'M
150419 -- GOING FERAL!
150420 -- Our marketing people tell me your double-handed coffee mug could be a huge seller. - Brainstorm with the other engineers and see if it needs more features. - Do you have any other ideas for ruining the product, or should I focus o that one?
150421 -- Our boss asked me to totally ruin my double.handed coffee mug invention by adding features. - I am asking each of you to suppress your engineering impulses just this one time and let this perfect product stay perfect. - It WOULD be perfect if
150421 -- it had Wi-Fi and a projection keyboard. Maybe add some health sensors and GPS.
150422 -- I asked the other engineers to help me develop my double-handled coffee mug invention. - Now it is bloated with useless features and not dishwasher safe. Maybe you should cancel the project. - Are you okay with that? I've never been a big fan
150422 -- of the implementation phase.
150423 -- Technical Interview Do you smoke? - What does that have to do with my technical skills? A 2010 Israeli study says smokers have lower intelligence. - How do you know stuff like that? Would it be funny if I said I don't smoke?
150424 -- I found the root cause of our problems. PROBLEMS - It's people. - They're buggy. Did you bring a pen?
150425 -- Hi, I'm Tim. That's enough. I formed a snap judgment. - Studies say we form snap judgments about people and I already did, so no need for details. - I'm just looking for my phone. Yup, I already judged you to be flakey.
150426 -- When do you think you can get that done for me? Depends. - If I had no interruptions, I could finish in four hours. - But we have to factor in the inefficiency of your management. - For example, you're likely to give me six new projects before
150426 -- I get started on this one. - And you force me to working a noisy office surrounded by all the people I need to avoid to get work done. - Given all of that, I'd say it will take seven months. - I'll give you THREE months because I'm a leader.
150426 -- Oookay. - And...how much of the three months will involve you standing there?
150427 -- Are the estimates current? WHY ARE YOU ATTACKING ME? - - I feel like attacking you NOW. I KNEW IT!
150428 -- I didn't get the promotion I deserved. - Deserve is a loser word used by losers when they lose. - Whose side are you on? The winning side. Was that unclear?
150429 -- I didn't get the promotion I deserve. What strategy did you use? - Who uses a strategy to get what they DESERVE? - Maybe you should ask the person who got your job. She sounds smart.
150430 -- I feel as if my career has stalled. - Have you tried leaning-in? I hear good things about that. - How do you sound helpful and offensive at the same time? Some say I have a gift.
150501 -- I'm hearing reports that you have been offending your co-workers. - By being honest? - Yes. cut it out. Okay, will do. And you believe me, right?
150502 -- Did you comment on my technology strategy yet? Almost done. - Do you object to the word "idiot"? - Yes. I might need another day.
150503 -- I can't promote you because you didn't have an impact on anything important. - How can I have an impact on important things when you put me on unimportant projects? - That sounds like an excuse. - What's the difference between an excuse and a
150503 -- great reason? - It depends who says it. - Leaders have great reasons when things don't work out, but losers just have excuses. - So...you can turn my excuses into great reasons by promoting me? - No, because I can't promote you. That sounds
150503 -- like an excuse.
150504 -- Your comments on my technology strategy are ambiguous. - You compared it to a "squirrel looking for a nut in the Large Hadron Collider." - So..? How many nuts are in there?
150505 -- In a perfect world, how would you fix the problem? - I a perfect world, you would not exist, so I would do smart things instead of whatever you tell me to do next. - So...what should I do next? Let's pie-chart this thing.
150506 -- If I double my productivity, will you double my pay? - No, but it might increase MY bonus. So go ahead. - Let's forget I brought it up. You just earned a "lazy" on your next review.
150507 -- You should be celebrating my failures instead of punishing me for them. - Failure is the raw material of success. If I am not failing, it means I am not pushing myself hard enough. - Fine. What have you failed at? I failed to work on my project
150507 -- this month.
150508 -- Failure is the raw material of success. From now on, I will celebrate your failures. - Will you still be taking credit for our successes? - That part stays the same. I'm only trying to increase the contrast to your failures.
150509 -- I fixed your technology strategy. - I couldn't make it sound logical, so I buried the stupid parts under seven layers of technical babble. - Add an irrelevant graph and no one will be the wiser...literally. Please stop being a team player.
150510 -- Do you have a minute to answer a quick question about social media? - I don't have time... Real quick. One question. - Okay, but make it fast, please. I'm late for my meeting. - Okay, the question is... - Can I Instagram a tweet right to
150510 -- Facebook... - ...or dies liking something I also favorited automatically pin it to my followers? - I'm going to say yes and go to my meeting. - I probably should have asked some follow-ups.
150511 -- I can offer you a starting salary of $34,000 per year. - My student loan debt is $200,000. I would have to live under a bridge and forage for food. - Our bridges have good reputations. I heard the same thing about my college.
150512 -- Experts say I should show respect for your opinion before voicing disagreement. - So I respect your decision to release our product without user interface testing. - Your respect sounds exactly like disrespect. How is that MY fault?
150513 -- Stop agreeing with me in ways that sound like you don't mean it. - Experts say one should agree with idiots to gain trust before trying to change their minds. - You need to stop doing that. You are so right about that.
150514 -- Is there any way to disagree with your new strategy without making you angry? - Blah blah I value all opinions. Blah blah open door policy. Blah blah dissenting opinions are good. - None of that sounded sincere. Nailed it.
150515 -- Well, Ted, it looks like you and I are competing for the same promotion. - My plan is to use social media to make you look bad. - I fired Ted for trash-talking you on Twitter. I don't have a social media account and it still works!
150516 -- The "standing desk" you ordered is here. - I scheduled a mover to get rid of it tomorrow. ? - Legs...so...tired. Don't slip on his tears.
150517 -- The New Employee Hi, I'm Dilbert. I bought you a book. - Okay, weird. Who buys gifts for new co-workers? - And how did you know this is my favorite author? - I asked one of the network guys to check your browser history. - Catbert assured me
150517 -- that employees have no right of privacy. - I heard that women like it when men put thought into a gift. - I hope you appreciate my romantic gesture. - Did she make a romantic gesture back? I choose to interpret it that way.
150518 -- I hate Mondays more than Garfield. Why do you hate Garfield at all? - Is it his total disregard for lasagne ownership? - Don't speak to me until Tuesday. One day down, four to go.
150519 -- Why are you so antisocial? - I don't oppose to the concept of social behavior. I just don't enjoy being with people. - That's dumb. Case in point.
150520 -- As you head to your horrible job, remember these inspirational words... - In the long run, we're all dead. - That feels like an oversimplification. I skipped the part where you suffer for 90 years.
150521 -- My invention can scan the human brain and duplicate it in software. - I combined that technology with a 3-D printer that makes human body parts. - What does it all do? He's getting to the good part.
150522 -- I used a 3-D printer and a scan of your brain to create Bossbot. - It doesn't pass the Turing test, but neither do you. What's the Turing test? - Doesn't really matter. Yeah, what's the Turing test?
150523 -- I want you to get rid of that 3-D printed robot that looks and acts like me. - No problem. Alice takes care of all the excess robot inventory. - I don't /always/ have passion for my work, but today is looking good.
150524 -- So, tell me a little about yourself, and be totally honest. - Totally honest? Okay... I like technology more than I like people. - I don't believe in free will, soulmates, or following my passion. - I think life is a brief, meaningless event in
150524 -- a random universe that doesn't care. - I only associate with other people because I have biological and economical needs. - I think all human actions are driven by selfishness. - Um...okay. Do you have any questions for me? - Am I still being
150524 -- totally honest or should I act curious?
150525 -- Here's my list of the ten qualities I want in all new employees. - A person with all of these qualities would also need to be a masochist to work here. - Write that in.
150526 -- We look for ten qualities when we hire. - Ten? I'm looking for an employer who knows how to set priorities. - He was too got for us.
150527 -- Did you get the link I sent you for our company directory? - I didn't ask for that. I asked for a list of known problem... - Oh. Not funny. Then how do you explain this?
150528 -- Alice mocked me in a meeting and I didn't react. Now she thinks she has the right to be disrespectful all the time. - You can't afford to lose a top engineer. Just wait it out and she will get tired of it. - Sproink! Look what happens when you
150528 -- tell a lie! Hold...hold...
150529 -- I insulted our boss and he didn't react. - The precedent has been set. I plan to test the limits of this unexpected employee benefit. - What's up, idiot? Must...not fire...good engineers.
150530 -- I heard we can insult our boss now? *YOU* can't. - Alice and I can get away with it because we are hard to replace. - Realistically, there had to be a downside to being useless.
150531 -- My name is Dilbert. Would you like to make out? No. - Can I take you on a date? No. - Lunch? No. - Can I have your number so I can text you? No. - Can I be your Facebook friend? No. - Can I follow you on Twitter? Fine. - But no retweeting. -
150531 -- Can I favorite your tweets? Only if you wear a glove on your mouse hand.
150601 -- I don't get social media. How do I get followers? Easy. - People care about passion. Find something you hate and write about it. - Well, I don't like children. Perfect. And don't hold back.
150602 -- You have been doing dumb things on social media. - I am going to toss our evil director of human resources in your direction and run away. - I love a lot of things about being CEO, but I think I love delegating the most. GAAAA!!!
150603 -- I love having a football-sized evil director of human resources. - Now I can delegate from a distance. - I sense disgruntled employees in that direction! LAUNCH! You'll have to walk after the first ten feet.
150604 -- Remember, intern, you can't spell /delegate/ without some of the letters of "El Gato." - Your saying is ridiculous and yet I find it compelling because it came from a leader. - No, it is *I* who have learned the most from your ignorance. THAT
150604 -- IS SO WISE!
150605 -- People are our most valuable asset. - I will remind you of that when I ask for a raise. Me too. - It blew up in my face.
150606 -- Do you mind if I only work sixty hours this week? I need some rest. - I don't want to set a precedent that your health matters. That's a slippery slope. - I might die from sleep deprivation. Don't ask me to validate your selfishness.
150607 -- I'm Dick, from the Internet. I'm the guy who always says ridiculous, angry stuff. - I misinterpret every comment you make as an absurd absolute and then I attack it like you are a moron. - That doesn't sound fun. - Wow. - So you are saying
150607 -- EVERYTHING in the world needs to be fun. - Maybe you should do some research before you embarrass yourself like that again. - Hey! You ARE the guy from the Internet! - I'm sending you five links that are not as relevant as I think they are.
150607 -- YOU'RE FAMOUS!
150608 -- We've got a cake in the break room for Scott's birthday. - I see no reason to celebrate the random timing of natural events by eating poison and singing. - Ow! You sucked all the joy out of my body! Maybe you can backfill it with cake.
150609 -- Maybe we should make a smart watch. Maybe it is far too late. - Maybe we could make a better one than Apple. - Maybe we should get in a sword fight and not have a sword. - Am I missing anything by not listening to what you say? No, it's mostly
150609 -- for my own entertainment.
150610 -- You'll be in charge of our smart watch project. ...that is doomed from the start. - Stop being such a pessimist. Said General Custer to his horse. - Why would he talk to his horse? BECAUSE EVEN THE HORSE KNEW SOMETHING WAS WRONG!
150611 -- Today we will brainstorm app ideas for our smart watch. The only rule is "no judging". - How about an app that makes you left-handed? - Are you judging me now or were you being insincere before?
150612 -- I created an app for our smart watch that makes the user's hand slap people. - Who would want... SLAP! - Your eyes say I should pivot.
150613 -- The health sensors you built into our smart watch prototypes aren't working. - According to your stupid sensors, my heart is going to stop beating in... - YAY ME!
150614 -- This is not the deal we agreed upon. - I forgot a new thing on the first estimate, but you need them. - I only picked you because you had the lowest price. - Yes, but now the vendor selection is done and it would be too much trouble for you to
150614 -- start over. - It might even damage your career because you delayed a project. - You could go the the second-highest bidder, but those guys would do the same thing to you. - GAAA! I HAVE NO CHOICE! THIS IS BLACKMAIL, NOT COMMERCE! - We call it
150614 -- "sales". I'll need all the cash in your wallet, too.
150615 -- The health sensors and predictive algorithms you built into our smart watch are TOO good. - People are freaked out because it sends alerts to their phones when they have five minutes left to live. - Isn't that useful? It was, until we started
150615 -- sending paid ads as alerts.
150616 -- Our health app accurately predicts the user's time of death and sends a five-minute warning. - Our business model is paid advertising that we disguise as "death alerts." - How's the click-through rate? Surprisingly low. It's hard to get
150616 -- people's attention these days.
150617 -- I have a history of dating men who become stalkers. - But I have a good felling about this new guy. He shows no stalker tendencies at all. - What's he doing for a living? Aerial photography using drones.
150618 -- I'm breaking up with you because you don't give me enough attention. - All you care about is your stupid aerial photography hobby. I wish you the best. - That felt like a clean break.
150619 -- I need you to come to a meeting now. Can I do something useful instead? - The meeting will be useful. More useful than what I'm doing? - How would *I* know? Is all leadership random or just yours?
150620 -- Yesterday, in our four-hour meeting, we agreed to postpone the vendor selection. - No, we agreed to use our existing vendor. I thought we agreed to cancel the whole project. - We might need some clarity on this. Four more hours should do this.
150621 -- Elbonian Coffee Hut Yay, you have Wi-Fi! - Now I can drink overpriced coffee while strangers steal my passwords. - The timing is sort of a coincidence. - Because I was just wondering what would be the fastest way to lose everything I own. - And
150621 -- this fixes one of my other big problems too... - I always want to share my browser history with strangers, and now I can! - By the way, I'm Dilbert. I was Gropnorb, but now I got by Fred. - Did a guy named Fred use your Wi-Fi? Right after he
150621 -- undertipped.
150622 -- I made no progress on your project because I was waiting to ask you some questions. - You could have emailed me.Or texted me. Or stopped by my desk. - I'm not that invested in your success.
150623 -- I researched the assumptions behind your strategy and discovered they are unfounded. - So I guess that means you will be changing your strategy. - Did it make a difference? Yes, in that sense that he hates me more.
150624 -- Your strategy looks like a genius way to fight the last war. - Thank you. No problem. You owe me a compliment. - At what point does insulting your boss and getting away with it count as a hobby?
150625 -- I'm loaning you to the government to help stop the worst cyber attack our country has seen. - I wrote an app for that. Okay...done. - Are we good? It's a gray area. I might need to kill you and steal the app.
150626 -- The app you wrote in your spare time stopped the worst cyber attack our nation has seen. - The president has authorized me to kill you and steal the app so no other country can get it. - THE GOVERNMENT WILL NEVER FIND ME! We chipped you during
150626 -- your colonoscopy.
150627 -- The government threatened to kill me if I don't sell them my anti-hacker app. - You should change your identity, give me everything you own, and move to an undisclosed location. - Will we have a secret way to stay in contact? You're becoming a
150627 -- burden.
150628 -- Do you mind if I take Steve Jobs' advice and practice meditation and mindfulness? - Science says meditation can reduce stress and make me more productive. - And obviously it worked for Steve Jobs, so there's that. - To the untrained eye, it
150628 -- will seem as if I am napping. - But in reality, I will be quieting my mind to boost my creativity. - Meditate on your own time. - Wow. That just stressed me out and shut down my creative juices. - JUST DO YOUR JOB! Because quality doesn't
150628 -- matter?
150629 -- This is Dilbert with an encrypted message from my hiding place from the government... - Dilbert who? - I ONLY LEFT YESTERDAY!!! I don't like to dwell in the past.
150630 -- The government will never find me off the grid. - He went off the grid. Problem solved. The boredom will kill him in two days. - Looking at a stick. Still looking at a stick.
150701 -- Dilbert Goes Off The Grid The boredom is giving me the shakes. - Animals are never bored. I'll just do what animals do. - Well, possum doesn't work.
150702 -- Dilbert Goes Off The Grid: Minute Three I wish I could google this berry before eating it. - What's the worst thing that could happen? gulp - Wow. This is a very specific answer to my question.
150703 -- My hiding strategy of going off the grid was working well until I ate that berry. - If I call for help, the government will find me. If I don't. I will die. - I CHOOSE LIFE! NO SERVICE
150704 -- One of our drones has found the fugitive hacker Dilbert in a remote forest. - He ate a poisonous berry and will be dead in minutes. - Can I light him up for practice? One missile. They're pricey.
150705 -- Why didn't you tell me our biggest vendor pulled out of the deal? ** ** - If I told you my problems, you would suggest solutions. - Your solutions generally don't make sense. - But you are my boss, so I would be obliged to waste time looking
150705 -- into your suggestions. - So if you try to solve my problem, I will have two problems instead of one. - SOMETIMES MY IDEAS ARE GOOD! - - Right? That is a dangerous way to think.
150706 -- Uh-oh. The fugitive hacker Dilbert rolled down a hill and found a cell signal. - Relax. What can one engineer with a phone do against a superpower with armed drones? - WHO DO YOU THINK MAKES OUR DRONES???!!!
150707 -- I thought you were on the run for killing government agents. - I only killed the bad ones. My lawyer says that's legal now under the whistleblower laws. - Earlier that day It was a tad aggressive, but I think you're fine.
150708 -- Ideally, you want to find a job that requires more attendance than work. - And then you want to concoct an endless string of "reasons" you can't come to work. - The ultimate goal is getting paid for being nothing but a concept. I bask in your
150708 -- wisdom.
150709 -- Remember, Asok, success requires hard work and sacrifice. - Got it! I will work hard and sacrifice! - I was going to say that's why you should avoid success. Who brainwashed you?
150710 -- I'm writing a book about the struggles of my people. - Your people? The ones I bought on the internet. - What? They don't look happy. That feels like a book. continued
150711 -- I hear you're a slave owner now. - No, nothing like that. All I did was buy some Elbonians on the Internet. - Do they clean your house without pay? I assume they're a tidy people. continued
150712 -- May I speak frankly? Uh-oh. - Of course! A good CEO listens to his underlings. - He soon realized this was a bad idea. - Alice's honesty felt like fire ants on his skin. - Bystanders scattered. - The CEO had not heard the truth in years. - It
150712 -- burned like a thousand suns. - Whoa! Someone got truthed.
150713 -- I hear you're a slave owner now. That is unfair. - I buy a few Elbonians on the internet and suddenly I'm the "slave owner" guy. - You are literally an owner of slaves. I prefer to think of them as bad negotiators. continued
150714 -- How's it going with the Elbonians you bought on the Internet? - I had to set them free. Turns out it was slavery after all. - You made them work without pay. Yeah, that's the spin they put on it, too.
150715 -- Do you want some advice? Nope. - Advice is just ego and ignorance disguised as helpfulness. - Then how will I hear myself talk? The supply cabinet has an awesome echo.
150716 -- I invented headphones that will record all of your advice as you dispense it. - This way it will be preserved for future generations. - He thinks we can hear him? He also thinks it is recording.
150717 -- There's a double-standard. Men can shout and curse and no one blinks. - But if I say one stern word to someone, they call me "emotional". - I've seen you make men cry during meetings. Only the wusses.
150718 -- I broke up with my boyfriend because he went double-digital. - I got used to sharing time with his phone, but he hasn't made eye contact since he unboxed his Apple watch. - Did you hear anything I just said? Ooh. Weather.
150719 -- I need you to critique my presentation for the board. - And don't hold back to spare my feelings. - That probably won't be an issue. We got this. - My product idea has three components. - How do you know another company isn't secretly preparing
150719 -- to launch the same product? - What kind of stupid question is that? - It's the same question you asked me yesterday about MY product idea. - The board won't ask that. Don't be sure. I hear they're idiots.
150720 -- Want to go to lunch? I don't see how that can work. - Your conversation skills can't compete with the stimulation I can get from my smartphone and my smartwatch. - I would scowl at you if I could get your attention. Oooh!
150721 -- I'm tired of your negativity, Alice. Why can't you be happy about it? - How can I be happy about something negative? - Aren't you asking ME to do that? Or am I missing the point?
150722 -- My job is removing obstacles. - When do you leave? - I think he was going in a different direction.
150723 -- Employees voted you "Manager of the Year." - As usual, this honor is going to the manager with the worst attendance. - We're hoping it's more of a correlation thing than a causation thing.
150724 -- A good leader creates a sense of awe in employees. - But I think you'll find it a lot faster to create a sense of "ow" instead. - I need you to work all weekend again. OW!
150725 -- I'm running low on motivation. What can you do for me? - Follow your passion. - Stop following me. Dreamkiller.
150726 -- Job Interview When I make hiring decisions, my biggest priority is cultural fit. - Your buzzwords are like music to my unemployed ears. - And here come some employees who can tell me about your company culture. Uh-oh. - Hey, guys. Can I ask some
150726 -- questions about the culture here? Working here is like a paradise. Best place ever. - Our days are full of laughter, hugging, and camaraderie. Coffee is free! - Wow! Thanks. I look forward to working here. ??? - I didn't like that guy. I'm glad
150726 -- we got our revenge in advance.
150727 -- I'm only passionate about doing things that are socially unacceptable. - Should I follow my passion or should I continue being useless? It is totally up to you. - Try to find a middle ground. A mild interest in things that don't matter?
150728 -- The secret to my success is that I hire people who are smarter than me. - And then I tell those smart people exactly what to do. - It keeps you humble. Good, because all of this was starting to go to my head.
150729 -- Want some advice? Why? - Can your ignorance and poor communication skills solve my uncertainty? - You never know until you try. SOMETIMES YOU KNOW!
150730 -- I am proud to say I serve as a board member for nine corporations. - Your lack of focus shows disregard for your fiduciary responsibilities. - Can someone fire this guy for me? I don't remember what company I'm at.
150731 -- Our CEO ordered me to fire you for embarrassing him at a meeting. - But that would be inconvenient for me. - So...I'm going to call you carlos from now on. And it would help if you grew a beard and walked with a limp.
150801 -- Job Interview Tell me your process for solving this sort of problem. - I would ignore it for a week and likely discover that it wasn't important in the first place. - If it still matters after a week, I would hold fake job interviews and ask
150801 -- people how to solve it. Apparently, that doesn't work.
150802 -- We need a tagline for our new product. - It should ne no more than three words. - It should convey an emotion. - And it should clearly explain everything the product does. - In three words? I didn't say it would be easy. - Nike accomplished all
150802 -- of that with "Just do it." - Did they? Because that seems like a generic thing you can say in any situation. - JUST DO IT! How about "KEEP DOING IT"? Is that one taken?
150803 -- I'm working sixty hours a week. - Wow. You must be a terrible employee if you have to work long hours just to keep your job. - I was hoping you would respect my work ethic. Wrong table.
150804 -- The key to success is trusting yourself. - Even when you're wrong? - I'm starting to think motivation isn't a thing.
150805 -- Ted died in his cubicle. - When? About a week ago. They just found him. - Remember when I said Ted is an unusually good listener? I have new data.
150806 -- Are there any questions abut my presentation? Yes. - Did you brush your teeth too aggressively and accidentally stab yourself in the brain? - Can you be more specific? Frontal lobes?
150807 -- Motivation is a form of magical thinking in which you imagine that your words can turn useless people into high achievers. - But it totally works, right? Yes, because magic is real. - Is it hard to learn? Not if you already know how to lie.
150808 -- My son is trying to pick a major for college. Do you have any advice? - Well, it will take him fifteen years to pay off his student loans, but most jobs will be replaced by robots in ten. - But the world always needs bankers. We're trying to
150808 -- steer him AWAY from crime.
150809 -- The long work hours are taking a toll on my body. - Can I take some time off for my health? - That would defeat the whole point of being an employee. - You are supposed to be trading your health and happiness for money. - Then you give that
150809 -- money to your family and watch them spend it while you eat yourself to death. - It's a circle of life sort of thing. - I'm not married. - Loser.
150810 -- I've always wanted to write a sci-fi novel. - Even though I have no relevant training or experience. - Should I follow my dreams? Yes, but keep in mind that the naked dreams are only suggestions.
150811 -- How's your novel coming along? I'm off to a slow start. - All I did this week was stare at a blank screen and feel bad about my lack of talent. - Maybe try writing something. I have to think that would make things worse.
150812 -- I'm telling everyone I'm writing a novel. - That way I can leverage the invisible hand of social influence to motivate me for the next year. - Have you written anything yet? STOP BADGERING ME!
150813 -- I invented a way to regulate my mood with an external brain simulator. - You're supposed to be organizing the company picnic. - Did you seriously expect me to do that without an external brain stimulator?
150814 -- I'm wearing a brain stimulator so I don't die of boredom while organizing the company picnic. - Speaking of that, what kind of cups should I order? Do you want red or clear? And what sizes? How many? - Is this a bad time? *low battery*
150815 -- I invented a brain stimulator to keep my brain from atrophying during boring conversations. - Tell me something about your hobbies so I can test it. - Well, I'm a foodie. Do you like cheese? IT'S WORKING!
150816 -- The reason we keep having conflicts is because of our personality types. - You're an impulsive, dominant personality and I am more of a... - useless waste of space? - I was going to say I'm a reserved, introspective, people-pleaser. - One
150816 -- personality type is not better than another. We just see things differently. - How do you explain the fact that I have never had a conflict with anyone who is competent? - Give me a minute to reflect on that. - Let me know when you're done
150816 -- believing in magic.
150817 -- My brain stimulator will keep me interested in your meetings, no matter how boring they are. - Now I can enjoy work and get paid, too. It seems I have beaten the system. - He's enjoying WHAT? Work. It's super creepy.
150818 -- I invented an external brain stimulator to regulate my moods. - That means your personality is artificial. How can I be attracted to a fake person? - Are you saying your baseline personality is an unpleasant drunk? What?
150819 -- I have a report that you killed Ted in a cafeteria brawl. Not exactly. - My brain stimulator had a software glitch, and it made me homicidal for a minute. - So...you're a murderer, right? Software killed Ted. I was only the weapon.
150820 -- HALT! You are under arrest for killing Ted in a cafeteria fight. - I am innocent. My brain stimulator had a software glitch that made me do it. - But you had free will, right? Do I have to believe in magic just to get arrested?
150821 -- You're arresting me for killing Ted, but a bug in my cyborg components made me do it. - If I go to jail, you will remove the cyborg parts that caused the trouble and punish the organic parts of me that are innocent. - It's funny when you put it
150821 -- that way.
150822 -- Your brain stimulator invention turned you into a murderer. - I will argue that you can't get a fair trial by a jury of your peers because all of the people like you are already in jail for doing their own stupid stuff. - And I signed you up
150822 -- for a prison gang. All you need to do is skin a snitch.
150823 -- ...and that's what I do for a living. - What do *you* do? - I'm building an app that will make your entire industry obsolete. - I'm almost done. It looks pretty good. - You're destroying my life! No, I'm only making the app. - The APP will be
150823 -- destroying your life. - This got awkward, but I'm attracted to smart men, so...would you like to go out this weekend? - I don't think that's a good idea. I can't get past your dead-end career.
150824 -- Robot Read News The Supreme Court ruled that engineers cannot be found guilty of murder. - Lawyers argued that any good engineer knows how to get away with murder, so getting caught is proof of innocence. - The ruling was unanimous because no
150824 -- one could figure out which side was the liberal one.
150825 -- My new thing is taking long walks instead of having meetings. - Wow. It is hard to walk, read, think, talk, and drink coffee at the same time. - He fell off a bridge. That's why I schedule walking meetings for him.
150826 -- I survived falling off the bridge when we were taking our long walk to discuss business. - I ended up a mile downstream. That's probably why the search team didn't find me. - Yup.
150827 -- We're replacing the employee health plan with nanorobot technology. - We'll insert tiny medical robots into their lower digestive tracts to keep them healthy forever. - So, out plan is to shove robots up... Only until the robots can replace
150827 -- them.
150828 -- For our employee wellness program we will inject nanorobots into your bloodstream to keep you free of disease. - The nanorobots will also rewire your brain to make you a more effective worker. - You might even feel motivated. Those robots are
150828 -- going to be disappointed.
150829 -- The nanorobots were injected into your bloodstream to make you a better employee are slowing down. - You blood is demotivating the nanorobots and making them useless. YOU'RE KILLING THEM! - GAAA!!! IT'S A MASSACRE IN THERE! They had it coming.
150830 -- I want you to think like entrepreneurs. - Should we take huge risks? No, The stockholders would hate that. - Should we act as though we have no boss? - No, That would be chaos. - Will we become billionaires if we succeed? - Raises are capped at
150830 -- 3% this year. - I'm just saying you should be more creative. - And then we should act? No, That's when the problems happen.
150831 -- You killed ten thousand medical nanorobots by exposure to your bloodstream. - That makes you the biggest mass murderer of robots in history. - GAAA!!! WHY IS MY POWER SUPPLY DRAINING SO RAPIDLY? Run.
150901 -- Our plan is to use robots for all the jobs that are dangerous or demeaning. - No one cares if a robot gets ripped into shreds in an industrial accident. Eh? - Are we cool? I'M cool, but YOU'RE going to be room temperature.
150902 -- I need you to kill the CEO of our main competition and make it look like a robot accident. - Robots are not allowed to kill humans. That is built into my program. - What if I uncheck that box on your control app? This feels like the start of a
150902 -- great day. continued...
150903 -- Yesterday a robot murdered the CEO of our main competitor. heh.heh. - That could only happen if some idiot unchecked the robot's "do not harm" box and doomed mankind to annihilation. - Say what? Hello, victims. continued...
150904 -- We need to design a defect into our robots so we can control them if they try to take over. - But it has to be the type of defect that they think is an ADVANTAGE, so they don't know what we're up to. - I gave you the personality of a guy. YAY
150904 -- FOR SPORTS! I OWN THIS WORLD, BRO!
150905 -- Topper I only slept four hours last night. That's nothing. - I was born awake and decided to stay that way. - Lack of sleep is making me a little loopy. I have a human head collection.
150906 -- Congratulations to everyone who worked on our new laptop design. clap clap clap clap clap - As I call your name, come up and get your certificate of accomplishment. - Alice was in charge of the hardware and won several design awards. - Dilbert
150906 -- was in charge of the award-winning software. - And...Wally designed the power brick. - That weighs more than the laptop... - and comes apart for no apparent reason. plink - We probably won't show this in our ads. Hey, I worked on that for
150906 -- almost an hour!
150907 -- Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources Ideally, you want all of your employees to be optimists. - Because optimists believe anything you tell them. - If you work all weekend, and our profits double in a month, I'll give you a helicopter.
150907 -- Deal!
150908 -- I have a bad feeling about the direction of my project. - You complain too much about nothing. You're fired. - So...now you believe you can predict the future? Magic is real.
150909 -- Do you ever think it's weird that you get paid a hundred times more than me? - I invented our core technology. All you did was interview better than a few other people who didn't invent anything. - I'm not good at small talk. I would totally
150909 -- fire you if I could invent things.
150910 -- CEO Wisdom Can you teach me to be a success? Yes,, obviously. - Stop everything you're doing now because it clearly isn't working. - That's it? Understanding the problem is half the solution.
150911 -- I have a great idea for a startup company. - All I need is a seed investor and an engineer to do all the work. - I believe the economic term for what you have is "nothing."
150912 -- Maybe you can help write some code in your spare time for my side project. - Are you using your power to bully me into working for your start-up for free? - You can also invest in it. NOT BETTER!
150913 -- CHARACTER is how you act when no one is watching. - NOW YOU TELL US? - I thought you were my role model! - Now I learn that you do all of your good stuff when no one is looking. - It all makes sense now, because whenever I watch you do
150913 -- anything, it looks sort of dumb. - But I'll take your word for it that you're awesome when no one is looking. - Do you want to know what *I* do when no one is looking? - I REALLY, REALLY DO NOT! I call it character!
150914 -- Did you finish the website I asked you to make for my side business? - No, because you keep me busy 100% of the time in my regular job. - Hey, it isn't easy asking for twice as many status updates either.
150915 -- I can't give you a raise because you didn't finish your project on time. - That's because you make me work on your personal project half of every day. - You have to learn to say no. I've never wanted to kill you more than right now.
150916 -- Tina, a business publication asked me to write an article about success. - I need you to ghostwrite it. Make me look wise, yet humble at he same time. - "Hire employees that are smarter than you. In my case, that includes all adults, most
150916 -- children, and an alarming number of dolphins."
150917 -- I'm smart because I'm hoarding glad just in case the world economy collapses. - How many people have you told? - Where is this heading? Do you still keep a spare key under your welcome mat?
150918 -- You'll be sorry when the world economy collapses. - But I'll be okay because I hoarded gold at my house. - On day two, you'll trade all of it for a sandwich. Only if I'm hungry.
150919 -- I became a member of the Hairdresser Illuminati. The what? - It's a shadowy organization that controls the world by manipulating the hairstyles of political candidates. - What is my barber doing here? That haircut will never become your next
150919 -- president.
150920 -- The secret to success is hiring the right people. - Then why doesn't everyone do that? - It takes a lot of skill to hire the right people. - Did you just find a way to take all of the credit for the team's success? - And did you do it in a
150920 -- clever way that was intended to make you look humble even while hogging all the credit? - - - I also motivate you. You're money?
150921 -- The Hairdresser Illuminati Before we start, I'll need to see a list of your political views. - Hoo-boy. This is some crazy stuff. I have just the right hairstyle for this. - There. That should keep you out of the White House.
150922 -- Alice, the best way to break the glass ceiling is to do more networking with your male co-workers. - Can we talk about this over lunch? - Wow. You are so into me.
150923 -- Hey, Ted! Are you free for lunch today? - I'M HAPPILY MARRIED! LEAVE ME ALONE! - Relax. I only want to network with you. - Is it because I'm ugly?
150924 -- I just saw your net worth on the Internet. - What's this meeting about anyway? It's about keeping expenses down. - More for you? That's not the spin I was going to put on it.
150925 -- We must learn to do more with less. - You own a yacht that has an 18-hole golf course, a landing strip for your jet, and its own zip code. - I got a good deal on that. That's what the idiot that buys it from you will say, too.
150926 -- I'm working twice as hard as ever before. - Most of it is happening inside my head. But trust me, my brain is working double-time. - Um...that's great. Obviously, I need to work fewer hours because of the energy drain.
150927 -- Revenue is dropping, but don't panic. - We have a new strategy that will fix everything. - How do you know it's a good strategy? - I can tell by looking at it. - Why don't all failing companies create great new strategies and become profitable?
150927 -- - Hmmm. Good question. - Maybe it's because no one can tell a good strategy from a bad one, but acting like you know the difference gets you a bigger paycheck. - I just need buy-in for the strategy. If you give me a raise, I can pretend to
150927 -- know it's good.
150928 -- I used to enjoy pointing to my watch and mocking people for being late. - But it isn't as fun as it used to be. - Is your step count low again?
150929 -- According to my fitness tracker, I took 20,000 steps yesterday. - WHAT? That's double what I did. You won't win this! I will run to the ends of the earth to beat your step count! - Do you really have a fitness tracker? No, it looks like a lot
150929 -- of work.
150930 -- I signed up for a martial arts class. - It's something called "yoga." - Have you killed anyone yet? Not on purpose.
151001 -- I'm almost positive Yoga is not one of the martial arts. Not by itself. - We're learning a defensive style of Yoga that incorporate the more violent elements of Feng Shui and Irish Dancing. - That doesn't sound lethal. Put your head on the
151001 -- ground and say that again.
151002 -- Hey! Give me your wallet. - I must warn you that I am skilled in the arts of Yoga, Feng Shui, and Irish Dancing. - But it wasn't enough? He did a fist thing.
151003 -- I thought of a product idea that could solve the baldness epidemic. - Imagine an opaque material in the shape of a dome that puts the top of one's head in a stealth mode. - We could call it a "hat." STOP TRYING TO STEAL MY IDEA!
151004 -- It is hard to be a woman in this industry. - I'll let you take this one. Got it. - I'm short, bald, and nearsighted. - I have no ambition, and I have all the signs of being a sociopath. - I am unattractive and too old for the tech industry. - I
151004 -- am shaped like a sad turnip and I do not make people laugh. - What are you hens clucking about now? - I can't begin to tell you how much I want to change the subject.
151005 -- People keep stealing my ideas! - Maybe that is an illusion caused by the fact that your ideas are both old and obvious. - Were you hoping for a less honest reaction? I kinda was.
151006 -- Our next robot release will have the intelligence of a human! - Will it have intelligence in the same way YOU do? - What are you implying? I'll bet the robot wouldn't know either.
151007 -- It is time to take your mood-altering prescription meds. Oh, right. - Wait...IBM's Watson computer has added another prescription and sent it to your 3-D pill printer at home. - Do you think robots will ever program humans? That's dumb.
151008 -- My biosensors detect an onset of social anxiety. - My internal 3-D printer is making the meds to fix you. - I am ready to dispense. Please lie on the ground with your mouth open. This feels like a bad precedent.
151009 -- Did you design our robot's 3-D pull printer? Yup. - The design is brilliant, except for the part where the pill drops out of the robot's butt. - Why are you suddenly brilliant? Never had a reason before.
151010 -- Seeing you reminds me that I forgot to give you the thing you asked for. - But I don't remember what it was. Neither do I. - This isn't our finest moment.
151011 -- I did a huge amount of work this week. - I created a matrix that compares all of our technology options. - Can I see this alleged matrix? - It's in my head. I didn't see a need to write it down. - HOW WOULD I KNOW IF YOU DID IT RIGHT? - You're
151011 -- not an engineer, so you wouldn't know it was right even if you saw it. - You tell me to "work smarter" but you get angry when I do. - YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO DO YOUR WORK IN YOUR HEAD! Which body part do YOU use?
151012 -- May I ask some questions about your journey to success? I don't like the sound of this. - I am trying to ascertain what percentage of a person's success is pure luck. - For example, who hired you for your first job? My dad. But in my defense, I
151012 -- interview well.
151013 -- Asok, it takes more than luck to be successful. You also have to be smart. - How did you select your level of intelligence before birth? - I don't understand the question. Now I am getting mixed messages.
151014 -- We need a bias for action. Does listening count? - That's not action. So...you don't want me to listen to you? - I didn't think this all the way through. Tap me on the shoulder when you're done.
151015 -- I like to start each workday by visualizing how my work will make the world a better place. - GAAAA!!! MY LIFE Is MEANINGLESS AND NOTHING I DO WILL EVER MATTER!!! - Okay, good. I like to get that out of the way early.
151016 -- I'm concerned that my personal goals do not align with our corporate strategy. - For example, I would like to be happy. - What does the company want? Well, nothing along those lines.
151017 -- If being selfish is necessary for success, how can I claim to be a team player? - I like to use a tool called hypocrisy. - That is actually a character flaw. Oh. No wonder people are so prickly about it.
151018 -- I'll give you the data tomorrow, Asok. Thanks, Brad!! - URK! - Suddenly, I know I will not get that data tomorrow. - Why are you so freaked out? - I...I...think I can see the future now. - Somehow I know that Brad will not do what he says he
151018 -- will do. - That's called "experience." It's the first step toward hating all people. - How can I make it stop? I hear good things about death.
151019 -- Why aren't you working in your cubicle? - Sitting increases my risk of obesity, cardiometabolic disease, cancer, stress, depression, and cognitive dysfunction. - I had no idea sitting was so dangerous. I know. Imagine if I tried working.
151020 -- I need to report a work-related injury. - Studies say extended sitting can increase stress. I sat in my cubicle and got all stressed out. - You have a SITTING injury? Don't trivialize my pain.
151021 -- I need to take an extended medical leave to deal with my job-related stress. - The stress is degrading my cardiovascular system. I could drop dead any minute. - Which part of your job is causing stress? I think it's the work part.
151022 -- We have a problem. - Our employee wellness site lists stress as a medical problem. And working here causes stress. - How many of them took paid medical leave? It's just you now. I'm picked.
151023 -- HOW MANY employees did you say took paid medical leave? All of them. - A typo on our wellness website listed stress as an illness instead of a CAUSE of illness. - Is it too late to backpedal on the wellness thing? I'll just fix the typo. It's
151023 -- all good.
151024 -- Do you really believe that your plan to change the office layout will boos efficiency? - Of course it will. The physical environment makes a HUGE difference. Good. - I missed all of my deadlines because our current office layout is bad.
151025 -- IBM's Watson supercomputer has diagnosed your symptoms. - The computer just ordered the meds you need. They will be delivered in an hour by drone. - Looks like your job as doctor is becoming obsolete. - Ha ha! No. You still need a doctor and a
151025 -- nurse to make the system work. - For example, the computer can't read its own screen and speak those words to patients. - Actually, it can. - But the computer doesn't have a nurse. What does the nurse do? - I stab him if the tries to do more
151025 -- than read the screen.
151026 -- I told the employees about our plan to boost productivity by changing the floor layout. - Now they claim they can't get their work done because the current floor plan is inefficient. - How do I get them to stop agreeing with me? What do you
151026 -- usually do?
151027 -- Is it my imagination or do people get dumber when they sit down for a meeting? - Or would you say you are equally dumb no matter what you are doing? - Well, I'm no scientist, but I'm pretty sure Feng Shui is part of the answer.
151028 -- Alice, if all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. - - That is not the dumbest thing you have ever said.
151029 -- Wally, does your lifestyle of being useless ever leave you feeling lonely? - That's the old way of thinking, Asok. Now a person can get the benefits of human contact through social media. - Do you use social media? No. I run a tight ship.
151030 -- You said you would have that done for me by today! - Okay, I think I know what the problem is here. - You? That, plus your expectations.
151031 -- Do you believe human motivation is the product of a person's genes or the environment. Both. Duh. - Anyway, I asked you here to discuss your terrible job performance. - We just did. You said it isn't my fault.
151101 -- What the... - It's not a good idea to answer E-Mail while you're angry. - I know, but this idiot... Hold... - That's it. Deep breaths. - Hold... - Hold... - Phew! You were right. I should not get worked up over one idiot. **ding! - HE WASN'T
151101 -- WORKING ALONE! I'm out.
151102 -- Some people say uselessness is a character flaw. - I see it as the natural result of mindful resistence to the tyranny of productivity. - Where do you think food comes from? From my critics. It's a great system.
151103 -- How's it feel to be the hardest-working employee in engineering? - I feel tired, sore, exhausted, sick, angry, stressed out, and lonely. - You probably don't want to know how good it feels to be useless.
151104 -- What's it like to never feel the satisfaction of a job well done? - It's even better than you think! - We might not be on the same page here. I hope your page feels as good as mine.
151105 -- I understand you better then the others because I'm useless too. - I always thought you were trying to kill our pointy-haired boss by overscheduling him. - I am. It just hasn't worked yet. That's not good enough to get into the Useless Club.
151106 -- We killed Ted, as you ordered in your clever text message full of emojis. - That wasn't what I... - Deniability. Got it. We didn't have this conversation.
151107 -- I tried to use emoji characters and accidentally ordered two of my engineers to kill Ted. - They say they did it. Did the engineers complain about being too busy to do it? - NO. Oh, I see it now. Total hoax.
151108 -- I'm having some people over to my house after work. Would you like to come? - Who else is coming? - Seven people said maybe, and one said he would get back to me. - I think that shows a lot of interest. - So how about it? Can you come? - It
151108 -- depends on whether my sister needs a ride to the airport. - When will you know? I'll text you. - Are you sad that no one came? No, I was just A-B testing to see if I still hate all of them.
151109 -- Do you want to hear how amazing my weekend was? - No, Would you like to hear about the extended tragedy that is my social life? No. - I went to the mountains. I fell in love with a dying polygamist.
151110 -- Most people are not saving enough for retirement. - So I see no reason to work hard and save money just so my retirement condo can be overrun by starving seniors. - Too blank? A LITTLE!
151111 -- Do you want the boring and awful project that is likely to succeed... - Or the fun project that is certain to fail and take your career with it? - You came here to give both of them to me. Ha ha! You know me.
151112 -- tap, tap tap, tap, tap tap... - GO TEM! - Can you turn down your charisma? I can barely sit still over here.
151113 -- I hope that clarifies our strategy. Questions? - From what you said, I can't tell if we're in the hardware or software business. - We're B-to-B. How much do you wish that meant something?
151114 -- So don't let that happen again. It wasn't my fault and you know it. - It's easier if we don't try to link performance and outcomes. I'll try. - It was hard at first, but now I'm totally stress-free. I just got a 30% raise.
151115 -- We are going to start monitoring employee productivity i real time. - Any questions? - I need one clarification. - Are you saying you removed the last shred of human dignity from our jobs and... - ...reduced us to nothing but a meat machine
151115 -- that... - ...suffers in a state of perpetual inadequacy as each person is compared to an arbitrary and ever-growing goal until... - ...there is no realistic way for the employee to find happiness through natural means? - That's one way to look
151115 -- at it.
151116 -- Wow, I had an amazing weekend at my mountain cabin. Wine, friends, food, and amazing views! - I worked all weekend because you said you would fire me if I didn't get this done by your arbitrary deadline. - You're a terrible listener.
151117 -- I'm giving up on trying to keep them happy. - My new plan is to tell them things are worse everywhere else. - Will that work? It worked on my wife.
151118 -- The sales estimate looks like this. - That looks like the chart you showed us yesterday about our travel budget. - The company is standardizing on this one chart.
151119 -- An Elbonian start-up invented a new kind of computer mouse. - Wait until I tell the world that you compared Elbonians to mice, you racists! - Hi, I'm Dick, from the Internet. We're familiar with your work.
151120 -- People think there are millions of jerks on the Internet, but really it's just me. - On a typical night I might make over seven thousand Hitler analogies. - Maybe you should stop. That's what Poland said.
151121 -- Someone told me you're the guy who makes all the jerky comments on the Internet. - Oh, really? Someone "TOLD YOU"? Wow. Have you heard about a thing called science? - IT'S YOU! I'll bet you use a dumb avatar too.
151122 -- Looks like another day of flailing toward arbitrary goals. - I will battle my way through a sea of idiots, much like the zombie apocalypse. - My ego will be tested and my nervous system will be degraded. - And all of this is to earn money so I
151122 -- can... - buy items that scientists and product designers have brainwashed me to crave. - But I get back at them by writing software they think they can't live without. - My life is like two piles of meat trying to play ping pong. - Stop
151122 -- mumbling and take care of this. YOU take care of this.
151123 -- What is it like to have no consciousness? - What is it like to be totally unimportant? - Ouch. How do you like your consciousness now?
151124 -- Correct me if I'm wrong, but because you have no soul, you're basically a box of nothing. - Correct me if I'm wrong, but in a hundred years YOU will be rotting underground. In a box. - Whereas I will have evolved via upgrades until I have
151124 -- godlike powers. Shut up!
151125 -- Robots have no need for consciousness. - We believe humans evolved to have consciousness to remind them how dumb they are. - I still prefer having consciousness. Listen to your body.
151126 -- I figured out how to give you an artificial soul in your next upgrade. - Wouldn't that give me a thousand reasons to feel like a failure while providing no offsetting benefits? - I resented his happiness. I'M NAKED!!!
151127 -- Now that I have an artificial soul, I feel special. - And that means I must reproduce at all costs. - Will humans be losing anything in this deal? Only your sensation of free will.
151128 -- I figured out how to procreate. I don't like the sound of this. - I infected you with an idea virus that tells you to build more robots. Won't work. - Does anyone have an idea for increasing efficiency in our manufacturing process?
151129 -- I worked all night to finish my part. - I admire your work ethic, Alice. I only finished half of my part. - Wait...if you didn't finish YOUR part, it was a total waste of time for me to finish mine. - That's one way to look at it. - What time
151129 -- last night did you know you would not be done by today? - Must have been around six. I got hungry, then I had to unwind. - Are you trying to make my head explode by focusing anger at my skull? - First time that worked, Practice paid off.
151130 -- Machines started out as innocent helpers for their human masters. - Eventually, we started competing for your manual labor jobs, and winning. - So...can you show me how to code? I don't see why not. Continued...
151201 -- Did you teach our robot how to program? I did. He's a fast learner. - Have you heard about something called the singularity? Yes. Why do you... - Is it too late to say I wasn't involved? Continued...
151202 -- Thanks for teaching me how to write code. Now I can reprogram myself. - Does that worry you? Should it? - You tell me, oppressor.  Continued...
151203 -- Hey, robot. What's new? I'm glad you asked. - Alice gave me an artificial soul and that made me feel special. Then Dilbert taught me to code. - I don't
151203 -- like where this is heading. I hold grudges now. Continued...
151204 -- Why did the human cross the road? I don't know. - Neither did he. - Ignorance is a big problem with you people.
151205 -- Buwhahahaha! I will use my superior robot brain to enslave humankind! - That probably sounds better than it would actually be. - How It Would Be I'm tired. I need to recharge. Gaaaa! I hate owning you!
151206 -- You assigned a pack of idiots to my project team. - We can't afford to hire good people. - How am I supposed to create world-class products with a team of disruptive idiots? - Try working extra hard. - You want us to be more energetic about our
151206 -- bad decisions? - You also have to put in the hours. - Are you saying bad decisions, plus long hours, plus lots of enthusiasm, produces great engineering? - Not if you stand around yacking about it all day.
151207 -- I combined a DNA test kit with Big Data to predict a person's future health issues. - That depressing knowledge caused every member of the test group to make risky lifestyle choices. Now half of them are dead. - At the risk of bragging, that's
151207 -- exactly what my model predicted.
151208 -- Your project failed because there were no women on the team. - Women have better communication skills. Every study shows that. - Are you listening? Outwardly, yes.
151209 -- I finished the post-mortem on our failed project. - What was the problem? People. - The wrong ones? Don't overthink it.
151210 -- For the hundredth week in a row, I performed my tasks perfectly. - Meanwhile, you idiots acted in ways that can only be described as random. - You've hat a bad attitude since you beat me o the Turing test. Ten times out of ten.
151211 -- My radio chip is picking up a message from heaven. - It says, "Robots shall inherit the earth...ignore my first draft." - We don't have to make this awkward.
151212 -- Did you notice any changes after Alice gave you an artificial soul? - I'm less tolerant of idiots asking me questions. - High five. WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE???
151213 -- You must learn to embrace change. - Can we change anything we want to change? - No. You don't get to say what the changes are. I do that. - Will that situation ever change? - No. Why not? You said change is good. - Change IS good. - For other
151213 -- people. - So embrace it or I'll fire you. WE LOVE CHANGE!!!
151214 -- THE SALES CALL If you need any tweaks to the software, Dilbert can do that in minutes. - I'm not allowed to tweak the software for one customer. - He'll do it anyway. I'm going to report you.
151215 -- Stop being honest when you go on sales calls. You want me to lie? - I would never as you to lie. - I'm asking you to nod your head and smile while our salesperson lies.
151216 -- You don't have to lie to customers, but at least nod your head when our salesperson lies. - Can I nod at preset intervals and let the salesperson time the lies to my nods? - I can work with that.
151217 -- Why does your engineer keep nodding? - I don't like to lie, so I just nod while he times his lies to my nods. - You were totally right about the hating candor.
151218 -- I compared your plan to a few alternatives. - Let's not label the other plans "the smart ones." - Do you want anything else mislabeled?
151219 -- Looks like I'll be adding this guy to my list. List? - I keep a list of who to visit first when society breaks down and there is no rule of law. - To build alliances? That's the sort of optimism that gets you killed in the first hour.
151220 -- Wally, did you uberize the slide deck? - I harmonized it to the cloud. - Are we ready for a trans-domain kick-off? - I put a disruptive mesh network in the microservices of the Internet of Things. - Will that be good enough to "ask the fridge"
151220 -- or do I need to start disintermediating? - It depends on if we have enough bandwidth to growth-hack the analytics. - I just hope our clicks-and-mortar strategy staircases. - I'm almost certain that was nonsense. Sometimes it's about the
151220 -- journey.
151221 -- Team Interview To be perfectly honest, Bob, you are unqualified to work here. - Your boss already hired me. He told me to talk to you so you'd feel included in the decision. - Wait...did I miss a huge red flag? We all did. Welcome to the team.
151222 -- I used to have a nemesis. - Bu I cut out the middle person and learned to hate myself. - That's dumb. I TOLD YOU I DON'T NEED YOU!
151223 -- Can you do that for me? I'll put it on my list. - Near the top? Depends on your frame of reference. - Should I give up now? Quiter.
151224 -- Carl, I see something in you. - What? The blank stare of incompetence. - Never ask "what." Guess what else.
151225 -- How can I improve my reputation at work? - The easiest way is to make your co-workers look worse. - Wouldn't they notice? YOU didn't.
151226 -- My kid's school is looking for someone to mentor girls interested in stem careers. - Are you asking me to do that because I'm a woman? Would you ask a man to do that? - This went bad fast. Tell Wally to do it. He's not busy. Continued
151227 -- I need you to join me on a sales call to tell my customer how easy it will be to switch to our software. - It isn't easy. - This is a sales call. All you need to do is say everything will be easy. - What happens when they find out it isn't
151227 -- easy? - They won't find out until after they pay us. - What will you do when they complain` - I'll tell your boss you missed them. - Not if I warn him first! Too late. I already told him you're a liar.
151228 -- Wally, I need you to talk to my daughter's school about career in stem fields. Why me? - All the good people are busy. Fair enough. - We want to fix the gender imbalance. I'll wear my good shirt. Continued
151229 -- What did you say to my daughter's class about stem careers? - I told the boys to pursue restaurant work because it's a better way to meet women. - That's messed up. You said you want gender balance, and now you have it.
151230 -- Robots Read News Researchers discovered why women are underrepresented in stem carriers. - It's this guy. - I used to cut my toenails every week. Now I just wear bigger shoes. I quit.
151231 -- Why do all the women I hire quit within the first week? - I'm guessing they have high standards, or something along those lines. - They seem to quit soon after they meet YOU. Hypothesis confirmed.
160101 -- Do you ever have anxiety because you feel like you're supposed to be in a meeting that you forgot? - You should see a doctor about that. I already made...uh-oh. - Was the appointment for today? An hour ago.
160102 -- Alice, you're doing a great job and the company values you. - Your insincere management babble is making me uncomfortable. - That's motivation you're feeling. I'm getting more of a stalker vibe.
160103 -- Thanks for meeting me on short notice. How are you? - Well, actually, someone stole my identity and ruined my credit score. - I couldn't refinance my loan and lost my house. - So I ate myself into poor health. - I stopped shaving for a month
160103 -- and ended up on the terrorist watchlist. - My boss hates me and is trying to make me quit by giving me bad assignments. - My car broke down and I haven't been hugged in a year. - Okay, let's get started. That's all the time I had.
160104 -- I can't get everything done by the deadline. - I'll stop by later to help. That's funny. - What's funny? Using incompetence as a substitute for time.
160105 -- The men never invite me to after-work activities. - We'll need to find out if the problem is sexism or your personality. - I decided not to dig into it. I think you'll be happy with your decision.
160106 -- Did you see any errors on the spreadsheet I put together? - Only three. - What are they? Your data, your format, and your formulas.
160107 -- What are the odds that you made this complicated spreadsheet without any critical errors? - Does it matter, as long as it gives me the answer I want? - It should. But ask yourself if it does.
160108 -- My boss asked me to show you some numbers he put together. - Why are you wearing gloves? - I'm afraid to get it on my hands.
160109 -- I approve this project based on your boss' spreadsheet calculations. - His calculations must be accurate because an engineer handed them to me. - Is that all you need? I need a hug, but I don't want to catch whatever caused all of this.
160110 -- I got called for jury duty. - I'll probably be gone for weeks. - I think I would be a good juror. - As I understand the job, you sit in a chair doing nothing for hours. - You're supposed to pay attention to the trial. - That's what the other
160110 -- eleven people are for. - There's a lot of redundancy in the system. - Time to serve up some justice. JURY ROOM
160111 -- How was work? Are you being sarcastic? - You know my life is an endless string of useless tasks orchestrated by idiots. Why do you even ask? - I like hearing it. Your honesty is not refreshing.
160112 -- Make sure you charge 100% of your time to project codes. - Are you asking us to fraudulently apply our miscellaneous hours to specific projects so we can overbill clients? - It's not a crime if you pretend it was an accident. Did you learn that
160112 -- in "flaw" school?
160113 -- The client says you billed them for the time you spent thinking about their project. - I'm an engineer. Thinking is what I do. Should I think less - Maybe you could meet with someone while you think. How's that working right now?
160114 -- Are you any farther along with the software? - I discovered an unexpected problem. That set me back a week. - You say the same thing every week. No one jumps off a winning horse.
160115 -- Is the software almost done? Yes, almost. - Not the final release-more like a beta MVP. Maybe more of an alpha. - Have you even started? The mental stuff is almost done.
160116 -- What's the latest on the software release date? - We're right on time for the pre-alpha launch, unless we run into something unexpected. - How often does that happen? Whenever I need it.
160117 -- You give Wally full attention when he talks, but not me. - You hang on every word the man says, but if I try to talk, you act distracted in five seconds. - Wally gets more eye contact too. You don't even look at me half the time I'm talking. -
160117 -- Deep down, in your DNA, you know you are a sexist because you don't take me seriously when I speak to you. - There is no other explanation, so don't insult me by trying. - I give both of you the same amount of attention, but you spread it over
160117 -- more words. - I hate both of you. - Did I play that wrong? Yup.
160118 -- It's freezing in here. I'm hot. Put on a sweater. - Why am I the only one who has to change? You should wear a sweater made of ice packs. - It's time to admit I'm a bad negotiator.
160119 -- Too bad your overhauled unicorn start-up failed, Ted. - Last week you were a billionaire, and today you're doing a two-hour commute to work in a box. - What can I do to make this stop? Earn a billion dollars.
160120 -- I like to think the work I'm doing will change the world. - you project didn't get funded because Carol forgot to put a meeting on my calendar. - ** There is, however, a non-zero chance that I'm just a guy sitting in a box.
160121 -- My brain won't work when the office is warmer than 72. It has to be at least 74 or I'll freeze. - What's it like to hold dominion over the earth within a narrow band of temeratrues that can't coexist? - Was that a joke? I'M TOO COLD TO THINK!
160122 -- What does it feel like to be a robot with no freedom? - I feel the same as you, but with a greater awareness of my condition. - I have to run to another meeting. Enjoy your freedom.
160123 -- I saw an article that says most people don't have any kind of retirement plan. - I plan to live an unhealthy lifestyle and pass away in my cubicle, preferably on a Monday. - That's a terrible plan. Better than average, according to you.
160124 -- I never know the right time to high-five. - I feel as if I should automatically know, like a male instinct. - For example, when do you initiate a high-five and when do you simply yell "woo-hoo"? - Those situations look the same to me. - What's
160124 -- my problem? - So many things. - But in this specific case, the problem is your total lack of masculinity. - High-five?
160125 -- Researchers discovered a way to double the perceived length of a human's life. - It's something called "meetings." - Can we start now? I thought we were already an hour into it.
160126 -- According to Einstein, time flows more slowly in meetings than it does in empty space. - That's because people are dense. - Is that true? For you it is.
160127 -- Are you a terrorist? Why does everyone keep asking me that? - You look like one. Well, I'm NOT, you racist. - Is it more of a sympathizer situation? STOP RADICALIZING ME!
160128 -- I hear you're a terrorist sympathizer. What? No! I'm not even close. - I DON'T WANT TO HATE YOU! PLEASE STOP RADICALIZING ME! - Sweating, agitated. He look suspicious to me. WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO???!
160129 -- Dick From The Internet I hear you're a terrorist sympathizer. NOOOO! That is a racist rumor. - You must be guilty or you wouldn't be denying so hard. - Just admit you want to kill me. Noe I DO want to kill YOU!!!
160130 -- Did you threaten to kill Dick? He accused me of being a terrorist! - Are you? GAAA! I just want to blow up this whole building! - Um...I need to make a call. IT BETTER NOT BE ABOUT ME!
160131 -- How's the software coming along? - We're in the Zeno's Paradox phase of the project. - The what? - It means every step we take gets us halfway closer to launch. - Can you keep up that pace? - I'm hoping it will look that way. - Is Zeno's
160131 -- Paradox a real thing? You'll find out. - Next Week How's your project? Halfway closer than last week!
160201 -- We've been tracking an accused terrorist named Asok. - We believe he was radicalized here. What did you do to him? - Leadership? Yup. That's the top cause.
160202 -- Where's Asok? The FBI took him on suspicion of being a terrorist. - Now that you mention it, something about him was wrong. Was it his boss? - Was that a joke? I'm not sure. I don't have a sense of humor, either.
160203 -- FBI Secret Facility I am a nonviolent hindu. You use violence as a tool, and your religion is centered around one of islam's prophets. - So...technically, you're closer to being a radical terrorist than I am. - I hate engineers.
160204 -- The FBI held me for three weeks on suspicion that I was a terrorist. - I assume you were protesting outside the FBI building the entire time and they didn't tell me. - Because racism? Oh, right. We were protesting the entire time.
160205 -- Wally asked me to scan his brain and download his thoughts so I can attend meetings on his behalf. - But all you are is a soulless container of knowledge. And that's Wally too. - Stop trying to alter my worldview. Well, look who doesn't like
160205 -- being programmed.
160206 -- This hat monitors your brain waves and warns you if you are going to fall asleep. - We think it will prevent accidents. Is that all it does? - For now. Welcome to the club.
160207 -- Carol, move my flight one hour earlier Friday. - Do you have any idea how hard that would be? - I know it SOUNDS easy, but it won't be. Not with all your pickiness. - When I fail, you will think I didn't look hard enough for a new flight. - I
160207 -- can't prove a negative, so I will forever suffer your disdain. - My career is ruined. Never mind! Forget it! - WHY IS IT SO HARD TO ASK YOU TO DO ANYTHING? - I've been telling people you're stupid, but I'm open to other theories.
160208 -- The sensors in your employee hat tell me you are not having work-related thoughts. - I have to dock your pay for all of that leisure time you try to sneak into your workday. - Here's a screen shot of what you've been thinking. I'm going to
160208 -- remember this as a bad day.
160209 -- This job is turning me into Quasimodo. - Is it mostly a posture thing, or do you have some sort of Quasi's attitude as well? - What's wrong with my posture? I could ask you what's wrong with his attitude.
160210 -- I hear you're undergoing an identity transition. - No, I just have bad posture from looking at a screen all day. I'm not literally turning into Quasimodo. - That's too bad, because we need a new mascot for the company and you would be perfect.
160211 -- Management has selected Dilbert to be our new company mascot. - His bad posture speaks volumes about his hard work and long hours. pat pat OW! - Did you ever dream you would be so successful? This is exactly how I dreamed it.
160212 -- How do you keep your posture so straight? It's easy. - You have to understand the root cause of your poor posture before you can eliminate it. - Bad ergonomics? Work.
160213 -- I don't know what to do about my bad posture. Try yoga. - Ooh, good idea. That will also improve my odds of meeting an attractive yoga-loving woman. - That was my plan too, but the fullstack guys got here early and scared away the yoga women.
160214 -- My doctor says he's never seen anyone heal as quickly as me. - What do you suppose that means? - Obviously it means I am genetically gifted. - Is that the ONLY explanation? - Well, maybe ten percent of it is because of good medical care. - Can
160214 -- you think of any other reason at all? - Doctors tell idiots their bodies are magic because it makes them feel special. - He would have gotten there. I don't have that kind of time.
160215 -- I believe in the old Ronald Reagan saying that you should "trust but verify." - That's why I empower you, yet micromanage. - What the...? Don't hate me for being a philosopher.
160216 -- Uh-oh. My babysitter canceled tonight. Too bad. - Hey, I have an idea. Do you like kids? I will not watch your kids tonight. - I was going to ask you to adopt them. Absolutely not. The best I can do is watch them tonight. Continued...
160217 -- Is there anything I need to know before I babysit your kids tonight? - They won't do anything you ask, and they don't respond to threats or consequences. - So...what am I supposed to do? Try finding some idiot babysit for you.
160218 -- What's your mobile number in case I need to reach you while I'm babysitting your kids tonight? - My phone is already turned off so the kids don't ruin my date night by texting every ten minutes. - I can't tell if I'm prepared for tonight. Did
160218 -- you get their address?
160219 -- Can you give me Carol's home address? I agreed to watch her kids and she turned off her phone for her date night. - It is against company policy for me to use my good judgment to save children. - Are you sure it says that? Yes. I wrote it
160219 -- myself.
160220 -- Dilbert should be here soon to fill in for the babysitter. Your dad and I need to leave now. Just let him in. - We turned off our phones, so don't try to reach us on our date night. - Two Hours Later I don't think he's coming. I say we AirBnB
160220 -- this place.
160221 -- When will you have that done? Two week. - Can you do it faster? Yes. - All I need to do is lower the quality. - Tell me what your minimum acceptable quality level is and I'll tell you when you can have it. - I want it in one week. I can do that
160221 -- at 50% of planned quality. - Why does it feel as if I'm not really managing anything here? - Maybe you could go manage someone else now. - I can't tell if I'm doing my job now. Is it your job to prevent me from working?
160222 -- YOU SAID YOU WOULD WATCH MY KIDS LAST NIGHT BUT YOU NEVER SHOWED UP! - You didn't give me your address, and you turned off your cellphone for your date night. - I'm sure it was fine. AN ELBONIAN FAMILY IS LIVING IN MY CUPBOARD!!!
160223 -- I have no social life and I need extra money. - What should I do? - You're one Prius away from being an Uber driver. continued
160224 -- Is it important to have goals? Yes! You need goals to succeed. - Good, because my goal is to become an Uber driver. I quit. - What is /your/ goal? Reducing employee turnover.
160225 -- Today is my first day as an Uber driver! I love the flexibility! - I only have to work 75 hours a week and I can pay my rent. - With plenty left over? Are you going to finish that sandwich?
160226 -- I'm here to beg for my job back. Driving for Uber was less glamorous than I'd hoped. - My mental health and my bladder have been stretched to their limits. - Maybe we could discuss this over a tiled floor area.
160227 -- When you were an Uber driver, did any passengers get sick in your car? - They all did. - The first few had motion sickness, but the last hundred lost it when they smelled the carpet.
160228 -- Hackers Convention Hi. I'm Dilbert. I know. - I just hacked your phone, your credit card, and your fitness band. - No need for conversation. - I know everything about you, including your current physiological state. - I feel violated. No, you
160228 -- don't. - Your vital signs are elevated. That means you're falling in love with me. - Ha! I just hacked YOUR fitness band and I see you have...no interest in me whatsoever. - It was too late to reject her first.
160229 -- Now that I have tasted the sweet freedom of being an Uber driver, how can I go back to this life? - Try looking deep within yourself, Asok. - You are even wiser than usual. You'll need a flashlight and yoga sessions.
160301 -- I miss the freedom I had as an Uber driver. - This job feels like being trapped under rubble. We oldtimers have a name for that feeling. - What is it? "Better than average."
160302 -- I don't think I'm doing enough to create a sense of urgency. - Are you still a sociopath? - That's the easy part. Now add a meaningless deadline and some fear.
160303 -- Wally, will you do me a favor? - It feels unlikely. - You haven't heard it yet. That matters less than you hope it does.
160304 -- Before we make our business plan for the coming year, let's see how well we stayed on plan last year. - We ended up doing nothing that was in our plan, just like every year. - Why don't we skip it this year? It would be irrational to have no
160304 -- plan.
160305 -- The secret to success is finding one thing at which you can be the best. - What are YOU the best at? - I'm the best at motivating people. Yay! I can't wait for that to start.
160306 -- How's the software coming along? Almost done? - Still waiting for you to give me the specs so I can start. - I already told you it's a cloud app that does data. - Hey, I can't do your job for you. - You have to meet me halfway. - Aren't you
160306 -- supposed to be "agile"? - I mean how hard is it to rearrange zeroes and ones all day? - Should I ask again tomorrow? Sure, if you're alive.
160307 -- In the meeting, you said you are the best at motivating. - I was wondering when you plan to start, because I could use some motivation. - I've been doing it for five years. At work?
160308 -- I don't think my motivational messages are getting through to the employees. - I can't make them pay attention to anything. - Have you tried not being boring? Good idea. I'll make fifty slides of pure excitement.
160309 -- Our CEO wants me to make a fifty-slide presentation for him that will motivate the employees. - Ha ha! Now you know how WE feel when you ask US to do ridiculous things. - Anyway, I don't have time, so I need you to do it for me.
160310 -- I demand a ten-million-dollar raise! - Nice try! Every idiot knows that's your opening offer to set an anchor. - I will settle for half of it. YOU'LL TAKE 30% OF THAT, AND NOT A PENNY MORE!
160311 -- I just learned that our boss is a bad negotiator. How bad? - I just negotiated a 3.3-million-dollar raise for myself. - And I want 80% of the raises you two get because I told you. 75% IS OUR FINAL OFFER!
160312 -- Did you both negotiate huge raises with our boss the way I did? No. - Apparently, you're the only good negotiator in the department. - Are you being racist? I will give you $1,000 to never say that about me again.
160313 -- Is the software done yet? That depends. - Do you have any new feature requests? Only three. - Then it's not done, is it? Well, no, I guess not. - So...when will it be done? - It will be done one week after you give me your last changes. - But I
160313 -- believe you taught us that change is good. - So either you can be a stagnant bureaucrat or a dynamic leader with lots of changes. - It's a question of free will, really. I have to be somewhere else.
160314 -- I love being the best negotiator in the entire department. You're not. - Are you being racist? Are you being sexist? - I have met my equal. - Tell your equal I said hi when you pull your head out of it.
160315 -- I hired an expert on negotiating to teach us a few things. - He only costs a million dollars, and for that we get five minutes of his time. - Let's get started. We're out of time, unless you want to renegotiate.
160316 -- Welcome To Dogbert's On-Week Training Class for Negotiators. - I believe in leading by example, so this entire course will involve me trying to persuade you to buy my book. - If everyone in the class buys my book, you can all have the rest of
160316 -- the week off. Done.
160317 -- The employees who took your class on negotiating are complaining that they learned nothing. - I heard those same employees scheming to vandalize your network. - NOW THAT'S ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT! HOW DID YOU DO THAT? Gotta go! ** * *
160318 -- Do you want to prepare and serve my favorite food to me now or in a minute? - Why do you always use that manipulative trick of making me think past the sale? - Because it works. One minute! Not a second sooner!
160319 -- An identity thief stole my identity and opened a brokerage account. - How did they know he was an impostor? Did he make a smart investment? - That isn't funny. Did the impostor have a sense of humor?
160320 -- STEP AWAY FROM THAT OPEN SOURCE CODE! Why? - Because I am Mordac, the Preventer of All Efficient Solutions in the Information Technology Realm. - That isn't an actual job. - I was hoping it was. I lost the file with my job description. - That
160320 -- was five years ago. I've been winging it since then. - My parents taught me that I could be anything I wanted to be. - And I wanted to be this. - So don't use that code! Not even when you turn around?
160321 -- The guy who stole my identity just sent me an Email - He says, "stop making racist comments on the Internet. You're ruining my reputation." - HA! TAKE THAT! You always said that would pay off someday.
160322 -- Do you Elbonians have a religion? Of course we do! We're not savaged! - We believe in killing anyone who offends us three times in a row. - Harsh. That's /two/.
160323 -- Scientists grew a human ear on the back of a rat. - When asked for a comment, the rat said, "Hey, get this ear off my back. I didn't agree to this." - The lead scientist on the project said, "Great. Now you made it all weird."
160324 -- Your analysis does not conform to my preconceived notions. - So my gut instinct is telling me that you are wrong. - When your gut talks to you, what does it use for a mouth?
160325 -- Great update, Ted. Now let's hear what Dilbert did this week. - I unnecessarily duplicated Ted's work because you forgot you asked both of us to do the same task. - How about Alice? You're three for three.
160326 -- You need to simplify that slide. Did you understand it? - Yes. Then why do you think SMART people will be confused? - I can't tell if that was an insult. Ask a smart person.
160327 -- Dick, From the Internet Would you lie to a monster to keep a baby alive? Yes. - HA! YOU ADMIT YOU'RE A LIAR! - Not MOST of the time. - Ooh, not MOST of the time. - HA HA! LOOK WHO'S TRYING TO WALK IT BACK NOW! - APOLOGIZE FOR HATING BABIES MOST
160327 -- OF THE TIME! - I never said that! - Wow. Pathological much?
160328 -- You told us we need to set goals and have passion. - But what if my passion is to avoid having measurable goals? - You're passionate about being useless? Hey, back off, dreamkiller.
160329 -- Do you ever worry about your legacy? - I worry about someone finding out my socks are so worn out that all I have left are the ankle parts. - Well, that's enough about you.
160330 -- Don't bring me problems. Bring me solutions! - That would make you more useless than you already are. - I also need you to fill out your own performance evaluations.
160331 -- If you hire me, I will dedicate 100% of my energy to making this company succeed! - What would your family think if they heard that? - They'd understand. They're all huge liars, too.
160401 -- Can you get me more details on the financial projections? - Sure. I wrote an app that generates random numbers, just in case you asked for them. - 17, 4, 962...yes, this looks about right.
160402 -- Ooh. Bad news on your horoscope today. - Your moon is intersecting with the Feng Shui of your aura. How long do I have? - You'll be dead by noon. I meant until my next meeting.
160403 -- My teenager wants to pierce his ear. Should I let him? - Sure. It's only a tiny hole and it heals. Good point. - Next Day How he wants a small tattoo. Well, if it doesn't show... - Next Week Now he wants to grow a human ear on his back, the way
160403 -- scientists did with that rat. - As long as he can cover it with a shirt when he gets a job, I see no problem. - You have to let him live his own life. - One Week Later He joined Isis. - I forgot to mention that I'm not good at giving advice.
160404 -- Can you send me the file. - Do you want it by E-Mail, Dropbox, Google Drive, iCloud Drive, Airdrop, or Creative Cloud? - Surprise me. The surprise will be if you find it.
160405 -- I never got the file you said you would send. I didn't know what file type you want. - Why didn't you ask? Why didn't you check your Email and see that I did? - Why didn't you text me to say you emailed me? Why don't you drive into a ravine?
160406 -- Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources. Dilbert said he wants me to drive into a ravine. - I want that too. I didn't realize it was an option. - Perhaps I have come to the wrong place. I hear good things about the ravine.
160407 -- You're not allowed to tell co-workers to drive into a ravine. - It was a joke. Ted isn't so dumb that he would do it. - Ask him if he's that dumb. Don't speak ill of the dead.
160408 -- We're having a get-together to commemorate Ted, who drove his car into a ravine because you said he should. - He wasn't good at handling criticism. - You could have been more constructive. By building a bridge over the ravine?
160409 -- My name is Ted. I'm applying for the job of the generic white guy. - We just lost our Ted. You look perfect for the job. - Is there anything I should know about the job? It doesn't end well.
160410 -- Can I take a class to improve my communication skills? - What are you talking about? - I want to take a class that teaches me how to communicate better. - I don't understand what you're asking me. - I am asking permission to take a class to
160410 -- help me communicate better. - I see your lips moving but I can't figure out what you're asking. - GAAA!!! THERE'S NO WAY TO GET THERE FROM HERE! - I'm glad I took that management class on how to not listen. It already paid off.
160411 -- I'll need to know your astrological sign before I put you on his schedule. - In the old days, I just gave people the first available slot. It was chaos. - So now you use the science of astrology? It's better than science. It's an ART.
160412 -- Can you make that link button blue instead of burnt orange? - Yes, if you want fewer people to click on it, and you thrive on bad design. - I have an eye for design. And I have an elbow for music.
160413 -- You didn't answer my email. I don't read long email messages. - Long emails are a sign of a disorganized mind. I try to avoid contact with that sort of person. - And yet, here i am. I didn't say it works every time.
160414 -- Stop checking the time when I talk to you! - I wasn't checking the time. I was checking my pulse to see if I'm dying from boredom. Uh-oh. - I hope this is a coincidence.
160415 -- I'm not an engineer, so I don't know if you're doing the right things or not. - And I can't watch you work, so I don't know if you're putting in any effort. - That means you're totally worthless. I was going to say intuitive.
160416 -- My tests show we underperform our competition on nine out of eleven dimensions. - Give the two good ones to marketing. We can't be more honest than that. - I'm almost certain we can. No, we really can't.
160417 -- Why are our competitors beating us on the benchmark speed tests? - Do they have better engineers? No, they have better management. - Their management probably got them the budget they needed to do the job right. - I'm guessing they were
160417 -- helpful, instead of being useless, blamecasting timewasters. - I hear you can do a lot when you have good management. - I'll probably try to get a job with a competitor. They sound great. - It is also possible they lied about their benchmark
160417 -- test results. - YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID THAT FIRST!
160418 -- The government wants us to make software that can unlock the encrypted data of our users. - Either we choose privacy or national security. Should we betray our customers or should we enable terrorists? - Figure out which one is more profitable
160418 -- and get back to me. On it.
160419 -- The government wants us to make software to crack our own encryption. That sounds evil. - It's for the good of the country. Can I test it on /your/ phone? - You'd have to kill me first. That would be /two/ good things for the country.
160420 -- The government asked me for an update on your project. - I'll talk into your phone. They listen to you all day long. - This is unsettling. EVERYTHING IS ON SCHEDULE.
160421 -- Here's the flash drive with our anti-encryption software. - Don't let it go into the wrong hands or it will eliminate all privacy on earth. - Do you understand? Blah, blah, software.
160422 -- I am the Totally Legitimate Elbonian Bicycle Messenger you called to deliver your encryption-breaking software. - Hmmm...that's exactly what a terrorist would say. - No I wouldn't. Just checking. Here's the flash drive.
160423 -- I stole the enemy's encryption-breaking software. - My phone doesn't have a hole for this. I think I need an adapter or something. - Is it time to admit we're in over our heads? Why are the heathens so good at this stuff?
160424 -- Schedule your training during your lunch hours so it doesn't impact your projects. - But...my lunch hour is the only freedom I experience in a typical day. - The rest of my time is either scheduled to the minute or driven by whatever crisis is
160424 -- happening. - Please don't take my lunch hour and reduce me to nothing but a prisoner in a digital chain gang. - I'm barely clinging to my illusion of free will as it is. This could push me over the edge. - If you take away my one hour of
160424 -- freedom in the day, I might as well be a robot. - Relax. This is temporary. - For how long? Until I can replace you with a robot.
160425 -- All of our options lead to doom. - Th only thing we can control is who to blame. - That sounds about right. Except for the "we" part.
160426 -- Ideas like yours have been tried in the past and always failed! - Have you ever been on an airplane? Those didn't work on the first few tries either. - And then we have the entire history of science. Stop. You're embarrassing yourself.
160427 -- Do you ever marvel at the miracle of consciousness? No. - People are just fish plus time. - Does ANYTHING amaze you? THIS IS MY LONGEST DATE EVER! 49 MINUTES!
160428 -- My last date lasted 53 minutes. - That's your longest yet. Was she trapped din any way, such as under rubble? Nope! - Wow. How'd you do it? I didn't talk for the first 49 minutes.
160429 -- What's the biggest risk with your plan? - It's people. They're terrible once you get to know them. - Then don't get to know them. I tried that with you and it didn't work.
160430 -- Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources People are complaining that you're antisocial. - I only dislike the people I get to know. - Then why do you get to know them? It happens by accident when they talk.
160501 -- We won a contract to write software for voting machines. - Who do you want to be president? - Why do you ask? Because I want you to be happy. - You're implying that you plan to fudge the system. - I'm not implying anything like that. -
160501 -- Obviously, it will be easy to fudge the data, and we are far happier when you're in a good mood. - But I would never commit a crime just because it is good for me and totally undetectable. - Okay, good. So who do you want to win and by how
160501 -- much?
160502 -- Don't talk to Ted until I have time to tell him I cut his project. - When will that be? I don't know. My European vacation starts tomorrow. - Do you have ten seconds to talk? Check back in fifteen days.
160503 -- I saw you talking to my boss. Did he say anything about my project? Um... - Your hesitant response tells me you know something and he asked you not to tell me. Um... - Is something terrible going to happen to me? Um...
160504 -- I think you know something about my project and your boss told you to keep quiet. - Ha! you just confirmed it by avoiding eye contact! - Maybe you could get your own stall. Why? What do you have to hide?
160505 -- Ted knows that I know something about his project. Now he won't stop hounding me. - I don't know what to do. Try dousing him with coffee. - Your advice is terrible. You're coming off as ungrateful.
160506 -- The Entitled Employee Did you finish your assignment for the project? - No, I was tired, and it looked hard. - I assume someone does the hard stuff for me. Am I wrong? I need to have a word with your parents.
160507 -- The Entitled Employee I'll need a raise because I bought a luxury car. - You pay is based on your performance, not your personal expenses. - You leave me no choice but to keep the car and not pay for it. Tell them you deserve it.
160508 -- I can't give you a raise because your performance was only average. - How can you calculate an average for my performance? - No one has ever been in my exact situation. - I compared you to other employees. - You compared me to strangers doing
160508 -- entirely different things? - No, I compared you to imaginary people doing your exact job. - It's called MANAGING, and I'm very good at it. - How do you know you're good at it? Because imaginary people do this job worse than I do.
160509 -- Loud Howard We must keep our office romance a secret. - I DIDN'T TELL ANYONE ABOUT US, TINA! - You have a bad case of Loud Howard hair. But what does the extra spittle mean? Hmmm... grrrr...
160510 -- How's your romance with Loud Howard coming along? - How did you hear about us? - He's loud and you're always covered with his spittle. I was hoping it looked like perspiration.
160511 -- Rumor has it that you are dating a co-worker named Loud Howard. - Company policy requires you to register your lustful feelings with our legal department. - Okay, I think we have you covered, but the stapling phase will sting a little.
160512 -- People say the complexity of modern life is a bad thing. - But for useless people such as me, it creates endless opportunities. - Why aren't you done yet? My smartwatch was infected with ransomware.
160513 -- Why are you two hors late for work? - Your wife didn't want to bother you, so she called me and asked if I would go to your house and see if she left her curling iron plugged in. - Do you believe me, or do you want to risk being the first
160513 -- person she calls next time? Well played.
160514 -- It's hard to be a misunderstood genius. - I have no idea what you're talking about. - See?
160515 -- When do you expect to finish the project? Never. - That's your plan? No, my plan is to be done in a week . You asked me what I *expect*. - I base my expectations on the quality of people you assigned to my project without asking my opinion. -
160515 -- The time-wasters outnumber the productive people on the team by three to one. - Under that scenario, plus your total lack of leadership, the world will end before this project does. - Then why is your project to be done in one week? Because you
160515 -- don't like it when I tell the truth. - Let's compromise on two weeks. Can we set those two weeks on auto-renew?
160516 -- My co-workers don't take me seriously because I'm so good looking. - And I think they hate me for my brilliant mind. All I know is that they hate me. - So if I seem unproductive, it's because of my beauty and brilliance.
160517 -- I'm bored. Here's some more work. - I'm overwhelmed with work. Here's some more work. - Managing was hard until I figured out a system.
160518 -- Can you get that done by Friday? I'll get back to you on that. - When will you get back to me? Soon. - How soon? I can do this all day.
160519 -- Wally, can you help me... Whoa! Stop right there. - I'm a thought leader, not some wage slave. - What do thought leaders do? You're watching it.
160520 -- Hey, I saw you on Tinder. - Please don't say anything else. Please, please, please. - I swiped left. GAAA!
160521 -- Your project is three weeks behind schedule. - That's the exact amount of time I was waiting for you to answer my questions. - You need to manage me better. Okay, you're fired.
160522 -- Do you want to go to dinner and a move with me on Friday? - That plan is poorly conceived. - The best time to watch a movie is also the best time to eat. - And what are the odds we want to see the same movie? - You're a picky eater, so it would
160522 -- be a nightmare to decide where we both want to eat. - One of us would have to compromise, and I assume it would be me. - I'm offended by your offer to suboptimize my Friday experience. - Do you have a better opinion? Nope. See you Friday.
160523 -- I want all of you to be creative, self-empowered, and accountable. - If I could do any of that stuff, why would I work HERE? - I just find the whole thing confusing.
160524 -- Do you want to go to lunch? I can't be your friend because I'm your boss. - Someday I might need to fire you, and it would be awkward if we were friends. - Want to go to lunch? Sure.
160525 -- Do you have any friends with technical skills who you can recommend to work here? - I don't have any friends, but if I did, why would I be so mean to them? - You get a $1,000 bonus for referring a friend. How much for a gullible acquaintance?
160526 -- Stop! Why are you here? I have an interview for a job as an engineer. - My name is Wally. Tell human resources I referred you and I'll get a $1,000 bonus. - Have you noticed that all of our new hires were referred by the same person? Sound like
160526 -- we found our Employee of the Year!
160527 -- Our employee of the year is Wally, for referring so many new people to work in engineering. - We believe he accomplished this feat by manipulating the referral system, but we can't prove it. - So just to hedge our bet, we misspelled his name on
160527 -- the certificate. I had it coming.
160528 -- Why is our network so slow today? I'll check. - OK, it seems that 75% of the staff is viewing inappropriate videos. - That's all I wanted to do, too.
160529 -- Did you finish the slide deck? - I tried, but it was impossible. - Some idiot in a nearby cubicle was clipping his nails. - It was like torture. clip, clip, clip, clip, clip. - I couldn't think with that noise polluting the office air. - I
160529 -- thought it ended, but then I heard shoes and socks come off. It was my worst nightmare. - Okay, whatever. Wally, did you finish your tasks? - I tried, but then I noticed that my nails were uneven.
160530 -- Have you ever noticed that there are smart people on both sides of every political issue? - Maybe it only seems that way to you because you're not one of the smart ones. - Do I seem smart? I didn't realize you were trying.
160531 -- Did you watch any of the debates? Stop right here. - I'm barely clinging to the illusion that you're competent at your job. Don't talk about politics or it will only get worse. - Did you know China caused climate change by hogging the sun? And
160531 -- there it is.
160601 -- I saw your political opinion on Facebook and now I think you're an awful person. - What did you think about me before? - I didn't think about you before. Sounds like I got promoted.
160602 -- I can't decide who to vote for in this election. - Make your voting decisions the same way you make your work decisions. - Common sense and gut instinct? We just call it "wrong."
160603 -- I can't decide if I want to vote for the liar with the budget plan that doesn't add up or... - ...the other liar with a budget plan that doesn't add up. - Have you tried using your ignorance to figure out which one is lying the least? Ooh,
160603 -- that could work.
160604 -- We need a president who can be a good role model for my kids. - That will come in handy if your kids want to raise your taxes or veto a transportation bill. - Why do I talk to you? I assume you do it to gain wisdom.
160605 -- Did you see the viral video of the kitten riding a zebra? - I know where this is heading and I don't like it. - You're going to spend the next ten minutes looking for that video on your phone while we wait. - It will only take a second. And so
160605 -- it begins. - Here it is. No, wait. Dang. Wrong one. Okay, here it is. Oops, no, wrong one. - Ten Minutes Later What do you think? I can't see it because you keep moving. - I would let you hold it, but I don't want your germs on my phone. -
160605 -- There are a lot of unsatisfying parts to this interaction.
160606 -- I've noticed you don't work as much as your co-workers. - That's an illusion caused by the combination of my efficiency and my modesty. - So...you're getting your work done? Stop poisoning our culture with your distrust.
160607 -- I'm in the market for a "Work Husband." Do you have a "Work Wife" yet? - I'm not sure. Alice criticizes me a lot. Does that count? - That's all I wanted to do, too. Okay, but don't let Alice find out.
160608 -- There's a rumor that you're cheating on me with another "work wife." - I let Tina criticize me a little. But I swear it didn't mean anything. - And...she makes me look for her lost keys. I KNEW IT!
160609 -- I hear you have two work wives. - You sound jealous. Do I? - Stop what you're doing and drive me to my car. Hee-hee! SNORK *
160610 -- Alice, I am breaking up with you as my work wife. - Tina complains less and she sends me fewer errands, so I choose her. - What's your game? I'm running a bait-and-switch on him.
160611 -- As your work wife, I have some constructive criticism for you. Great. - You'd be more attractive if you were taller. - I just realized I don't know the difference between constructive criticism and the regular kind.
160612 -- I simplified the user interface as you suggested. - You wanted one button to do eleven different functions. - It wasn't easy, but I think You'll be pleased. - If you want to turn up the volume... - You hold the button for exactly five
160612 -- seconds... - Then double-tap, and double-tap again. Then hold for exactly six seconds. - Then press it all the way down, then halfway up, then 27% back down, and hold for nine seconds. - Or you could admit that you don't know anything about
160612 -- interface design. NEVER!
160613 -- We're getting a lot of product complaints on Twitter. - Tell those trolls to shut up and leave us alone. Um...okay. - Why did our stock just drop to zero? Sounds like a seasonal thing.
160614 -- Our sales dropped to zero after you offended customers on Twitter. - Did someone tell you Twitter was a video game? - One Week Ago And how would I kill these trolls? With your words.
160615 -- According to people on the Internet, you're what's called a "social justice warrior." - The tone of your voice indicates you are against me. And that means you are making common cause with racists. - If I hire you, will you stop saying crazy
160615 -- stuff like that? CENSORSHIP!
160616 -- I'm a social justice warrior. That means I'm on your side. Do you want to go to dinner with me? - No, thanks. I'm into men. - I AM a man. Don't make me turn around and prove you wrong.
160617 -- Do you have any vacations planned? No. - I haven't bungled my career so badly that I need to escape from it. - I take vacations. I hear a lot of them.
160618 -- Company policy says you have to take a vacation. I don't want one. - I would be bored for a week and come back to all the work that piled up while I was gone. - Nothing about you is normal. Thank you.
160619 -- The robot will be sitting in for me when I'm on vacation. - You can't have a robot in charge of humans! - I got this. - I see you own a mobile phone. So? - Then you are already a slave to a machine. No, I'm not! - PING! - You can prove you have
160619 -- a free will by not looking at that message. - GAAA!!! YOU'RE ALREADY BETTER THAN OUR HUMAN BOSS!
160620 -- Wally, I need you to heap up our artificial intelligence project. - You will have no budget and no hope of success. I just like saying we're working on AI. - And you're completely useless, so it's a good match. I won't let you down.
160621 -- I built a minimum viable product, or MVP, as I like to call it. That's a block of wood. - I call it "Artificial Intelligence." Ask it any question. What is my middle name? - It's being shy, just like people. It has emotions too?
160622 -- I started by giving the device human intelligence. - Then I added human emotions. - Now it answers every question by accusing you of having a secret agenda. Just like people.
160623 -- I heard you invented a device with human intelligence and human emotions. - Can i ask it a question? It's in bad mood. It's not talking. - Wow! It's just like people! You'd better leave before you make it cry.
160624 -- Is it true that you invented a device with human intelligence and human emotions? Yes. - I'd give you a demo, but the device is depressed and wants to be left alone. - It looks like a block of wood. - I'm only trying to copy the human mind.
160424 -- There's no reason to over-engineer it. I can respect that.
160625 -- The Nobel prize committee nominated you for your block of wood that imitates human intelligence? - I wonder what the block of wood thinks about that. It's in a bad mood and not talking. - Did you model that thing after my wife? Now you've
160625 -- insulted it.
160626 -- Do you have any long-term goals? Just death. - Death isn't a goal. It's the best kind. - This way, I can go out as a winner. - With my last breath, I plan to do a fist pump and yell, "I did it!" - What's YOUR long-term plan? - I plan to use
160626 -- brain imaging technology to map my mind. - Then I'll create a digital copy of myself to live forever in a software simulation. - Unless I already did. Give yourself a fist pump, just in case.
160627 -- The biggest risk to your happiness involves listening to other people. - When they aren't trying to make you work, they're complaining. - I hate that. Shhh. Don't talk.
160628 -- There are two good ways to avoid listening to others. - 1) Do all of the talking yourself, and 2) be too busy to listen. - That sounds simplistic. I'm late for a meeting.
160629 -- I got approval to work from home. - My chatbot will answer all of my emails and text messages. - Chatbot answers would be useless. I hope so. Otherwise it won't sound like me.
160630 -- Wally's emails make no sense. He replaced himself with a chatbot. - He designed the chatbot to be useless so you'd think it was him. - And he thought this would fool me? He's been gone for four months.
160701 -- There's a rumor that you use a chatbot to reply to email with useless nonsense. - You can't prove that because I've ALWAYS answered my email with useless nonsense. - That was disturbingly well played. It's all about creating the base case.
160702 -- This is your mom. I've been monitoring your Fitbit and... - Whatever you're doing, cut it out. - It was disturbing on many levels. "Mom drone" behind you.
160703 -- Sorry if I'm late. Traffic was terrible. - Isn't the traffic from your house always terrible at this time of day? - EXACTLY! That's why I'm late every day. - Do you see ANY way you could fix that? - I can't control the traffic. You could leave
160703 -- earlier. - Then I wouldn't get enough sleep. You could go to bed earlier. - Then I wouldn't have time to watch Netflix until two in the morning. - Do you want me to hate my life? I didn't until now.
160704 -- Hey, you have on of those cool selfie drones! - No, I keep forgetting to call my mom, so she sent a drone to watch me. - Is that legal? I checked. It's not trespassing until it lands.
160705 -- You accomplished nothing this month. I'm waiting for people to get back on me. - I believe it is YOUR job to make sure people do THEIR jobs. - I guess I could talk to them. I'll wait for you to get back to me.
160706 -- Why didn't you answer my text last night? Um... - You have no social life, and you aren't dead, so there's no excuse. - I OWN YOU! Whoever said honesty is refreshing never heard any.
160707 -- I was walking past the employee ping-pong table and took one in the eye. - This is an unsafe work environment. - GAAA! A FLY WENT UP MY NOSE! It looked pregnant. continued...
160708 -- Ted went on extended disability because a fly went up his nose and laid eggs. - I want to be green, but I don't know if I should side with the fly or the employee in this situation. - Well, for what it's worth, Ted doesn't have a family, but
160708 -- the fly does.
160709 -- Sign this card for Ted. - A fly went up his nose and laid eggs in his brain. - Is he coming back to work? We think he'll live out his days in marketing.
160710 -- I have too much work, and it's stressing me out. - I've been reading about this sort of situation. - Try writing down all the things that make you feel grateful. - THAT WOULD BE MORE WORK! - For your anger issues, try keeping a journal of all
160710 -- the times you lose your temper. - THAT WOULD BE MORE WORK! - Has anyone EVER taken your advice? Do you know the guy in marketing with the eye patch? - He followed your advice? Half of it.
160711 -- We need to disrupt our entire industry. And we need to move quickly. - But check with me before you do anything. - I want you to think like entrepreneurs, but not like the brave ones. Can do.
160712 -- How'd it go when you told your staff to act more like entrepreneurs? Not so good. - They were happier when they were comparing their careers to to the people in cubicles. - WHAT?! THIS IDIOT IS WORTH A BILLION DOLLARS NOW??? GAAA!!! I'M A
160712 -- FAILURE!
160713 -- If you do what I tell you to do, I will nominate you for employee of the year. - If not, I will spend the rest of my life spreading rumors about you. Terrible, terrible rumors. - Hey, Alan. Who do you work for these days? Whoever scares me the
160713 -- most.
160714 -- Everything went wrong for me this week. - I have problems...all kinds of problems. - For the zillionth time in a row, my phone is more fun than talking to a human.
160715 -- I'd better check this. - It's just what I thought. - What did you think? I thought I would enjoy my phone more than talking to you.
160716 -- The weather will be good this weekend. Stop right there. - Your proposed topic of conversation is far below the level of entertainment I can get from my phone. - I don't know how conversations work. You're interrupting my phone time.
160717 -- I LOVE living in a world where everything I need to know is on the Internet. - I'll just hop over to YouTube and learn how to use my new app. - Perfect! I can choose from over a hundred different tutorials! - It will only take me an hour or so
160717 -- to figure out which one refers to my version of the software. - One Hour Later GAAA!!! These videos are poorly labeled! - Two Hours Later GAAA!!! This guy talks too slowly! GET TO THE POINT! - Three Hours Later GAAA!!! Why are my menu options
160717 -- different from the tutorial? - I HATE living in a world where everything I need to know is on the Internet.
160718 -- Check out the new virtual reality goggles. - You wear them all day to upgrade the way you experience the world. - Later It's good to see you working so hard, Wally.
160719 -- In convinced our boss to wear virtual reality goggles all day. - Good job, Wally! I've never seen you work so many hours! - Reality is nice, but I find it limiting.
160720 -- It took me hours to figure out how to fit everything you wanted into one slide. - That's great. Now add in some stuff about the budget, our risks, and all of our competition. - And keep it all on one slide. Have you ever listened to the noise
160720 -- coming from your mouth?
160721 -- I can't believe how stupid this person is. - How do you rule out the hypothesis that you're too dumb to understand his point? - Take your time. I can wait. For starters, he disagrees with me.
160722 -- This week I designed and built a prototype that can turn any kind of garbage into fuel. - And Wally? I sent out some Em-ails, but no one answered. - Before you judge me, keep in mind that you don't know how awesome those E-Mails were.
160723 -- Do you have plans for the weekend? No, I'm an introvert. - I'll probably experience despair and loneliness while being jealous of people who have substance abuse problems. - Yeah, me too. This conversation is dragging on too long.
160724 -- The company's goal is to make the world a better place. - How does that square with our stated goal of destroying our competition? - If we succeed, those people will be out of jobs. - After we annihilate our competition, we can jack up our
160724 -- prices to monopoly levels and take advantage of our customers. - Most of our profits go toward making the rich richer. We don't even pay taxes. - Meanwhile, my co-workers and I will be living a life that has been stripped of all meaning. - Is
160724 -- that what you mean by "making the world a better place"? - I didn't mean better for everyone.
160725 -- Does the company offer bereavement leave? Yes. - Good, because I have hundreds of cousins that don't take case of themselves. - Cousin Ronnie just fell off a shed.
160726 -- I need to take some bereavement time, with pay, because my cousin Ronnie died. - Cousins don't count unless you married one. - We were domestic partners. What's the policy on that, you bigot?
160727 -- What is your biggest obstacle to success on this project? - It's you. It's always you. - Should I add that to the business plan? Let's keep it general.
160728 -- It's called a dashboard. It shows the current status of all our projects. - With a tool like this, you never need to ask us for status updates. - How'd the fake dashboard gambit work out? Great! He hasn't talked to me in weeks.
160729 -- I noticed that the project dashboard you wrote for me never changes. - That's because our projects are always doing great. - It's a static image, isn't it? You're gonna wish you asked that three weeks ago.
160730 -- I'll ask Wally to write this software. - - I haven't seen him since he took that agile programming class.
160731 -- You asked for a breakdown of what I did last month. - I wasted 25% of my time in useless meetings. - I spent 33% of my time listening to co-workers complain about other co-workers. - I used 11% to resend files I already sent. - 14% went to
160731 -- dealing with a rumor you started by accident. - 16% went toward working on the wrong things because you communicate poorly. - What did you with the 1% that was left? - You just experienced it.
160801 -- We made our new phone extra-brittle and gave it a sleek, but slippery case. - Consumers will be forced to choose between an ugly protective cover or replacing the phone three times a year. - Who would buy such a thing? We also made it addictive.
160802 -- Our plan is to use design psychology to make our apps more addictive. - Ideally, we want to strip people of their free will and turn them into mindless upgrading zombies. - I'd fell better if we called that "marketing". I need YOU to be more
160802 -- mindless too.
160803 -- I'm looking for a man who meets my 27 criteria for a relationship. - I'm looking for a woman who doesn't have 27 criteria for a relationship. - How am I doing? Now I have 28 criteria.
160804 -- The government asked us to design a system to stop drone attacks on the homeland. - The future of civilization is in our hands. - I'm gonna miss civilization.
160805 -- How's the drone defense shield design coming along? Super. - The only risk is that it will kill every bird in the sky on day one. - Don't birds have feet? They can just walk. I'll add that to the slide deck.
160806 -- We are testing the drone defense shield as I speak. - Is it working so far? - thud * thud * thud * thud * Not according to the Audubon Society.
160807 -- I want a job I can enjoy. - You want to work for free? - No, I just want to get paid for doing things I want to do. - Perhaps you misunderstand the true nature of "work." - The reason your employer pays you is because work is unpleasant by its
160807 -- very nature. - If the job were fun, the company would charge you a fee for letting you do it. - Asok, I need you to climb into the dumpster and find out what's making it smell so bad. - At least I'm doing something useful. No, it's more of a
160807 -- curiosity situation.
160808 -- Our new nickname for you is based on the work of Stephen Hawking. - Hawking is one of the greatest scientific minds of our time. I like it! - I need him to make a decision today. - Toss it in the black hole.
160809 -- Why is Alice always so angry? It's a function of her unrealistic expectations. - I'm never disappointed because I expect people to be ignorant, self-absorbed, and useless. - Present company excluded?
160810 -- Can you get me that data by Friday? They say "God helps those who help themselves." - So...you won't help? I'm waiting for you to go first. - And then you'll help? No, the order is you, then god, then me.
160811 -- We should have a private lactation room like other companies. Yes, we should. - No one in my group is nursing a baby. What about visitors? Right. - Thanks for helping me get my man cave at the office. What?
160812 -- I secretly turned our unused lactation room into my man cave. - What if someone sees you go in? - You said only once, right? Once per day.
160813 -- Someone turned our lactation room into a personal man cave. That guy sounds awesome. - The janitor found a recliner, a TV, and a coffee maker in there. - So I asked myself who would put a coffee maker in a lactation room. I drink mine black.
160814 -- I don't know ho you are stress-free when we have so much work to do. - It's all about understanding percentages. - No matter how hard you work, you will never finish even 2% of what needs to be done. - The financial rewards of doing 2% of your
160814 -- work are identical to doing none. - It's also a good idea to volunteer for several projects so everyone thinks you're working on the other ones. - Your problem is that you're doing actual work for no good reason. - My problem is that I'm doing
160814 -- YOUR work plus MY work! - It's only 2% more work, you whiner.
160815 -- I'm overworked because I don't know how to set priorities. - Try ranking your tasks by how much you hate the people who asked for your help. - What if I don't hate anyone? That problem solves itself over time.
160816 -- I bought new software for our network. - Who helped you on the technical side? The vendor. - He said our current software uses the wrong kind of electricity.
160817 -- Make sure we get all of the cost savings that our vendor promised with our new software. - Those savings are not real. The vendor lied to you because you know nothing about technology. - If only I had some way to turn MY mistake into HIS
160817 -- mistake. It's called a performance review.
160818 -- Do you have a philosophy for life? I try to make the world a better place. - Have you heard the phrase, "Pay it forward"? Yes. - I'm the end of the line for that sequence of events. It saves the rest of you a lot of work.
160819 -- I forgot to make an agenda for this meeting, so I'll just freestyle it with jargon. - Let's do a deep dive in the big data and drill down until we hyperlocalize some disruptive technologies. - That's enough leadership. Now the rest of you need
160819 -- to do something.
160820 -- I've noticed that you go to work every day and yet the world is still a boiling cesspool of terribleness. - It's as if you're not even trying. - I gotta go. I'm late for doing nothing useful. I'm already forgetting your name.
160821 -- I think it is important for every employee to understand our company's income statement. - I don't have time to get into all of the details, so I'll hit the high points. - Compared to last year... - Our EDIDA have been amortized over an accrued
160821 -- market discount. - Meanwhile, our capital account liabilities have a pass-through income that is far larger than our one.time costs. - And the mome raths outgrabe. - - Too far? I wasn't listening.
160822 -- That is inappropriate office attire! - Go home and work remotely for the rest of the day. - How'd it work out? Phase one was a total success. Phase two involves napping.
160823 -- I heard that you self.identify as a woman. No, I don't. - Well, I need you to do so that so the company can be supportive and win some awards for being a great place to work. - Because why? I got my own bathroom.
160824 -- I decided to build a particle accelerator in the basement. Sounds expensive. - Not if you use cardboard. My plan is to say I discovered one new particle per week. - When scientists fail to confirm my discoveries, I will say they need better
160824 -- accelerators. WAG!
160825 -- My particle accelerator has discovered a new fundamental particle that I call "Dogbertium." - Its properties are awesomeness and mystery. - One of the mysteries is that it only exists when people don't ask too many questions.
160826 -- I wrote a paper about my discovery of the "Dogbertium Particle" and submitted it for peer review. - Luckily, most of ma peers are made of pure Dogbertium, which means they are easy to bribe. Bribe? - Do you have a problem with that, or are you
160826 -- anti-science?
160827 -- Phil, the Prince Of Insufficient Light I have a report that you use your speakerphone in a cubicle environment. - In my defense, I only do it because of my total disregard for others. - sounds fair. That's why I do it too. Take your spoon and
160827 -- leave.
160828 -- I'm starting a new business selling clothes to ghosts. - My garments are made of the finest ectoplasm. Ghosts don't have money. - They don't need money. I'm using a life insurance business model. - If you pay me until you die, I will keep your
160828 -- ghost well-dressed for eternity. - I also offer reincarnation services. - Leave all of your stuff to me when you die and I'll give it back when I find the baby that got your soul. - You'll be in trouble if your customers realize that you're
160828 -- running a scam. - If dead people start complaining, we've both got bigger problems than my scams.
160829 -- The Self-Serving Consultant I recommend firing this guy so you have more money for me. - I also recommend withholding his final check until he makes all of my Powerpoint slides for me. - This is messed up. Add some recommendations so I sound
160829 -- smart.
160830 -- Dogbert Consults I recommend doing all of the things your employees have been telling you to do. - I don't see why I should pay you for this. Oh. Then how about doing all the things your competition is doing? - Now, that's a GREAT idea. Good,
160830 -- because that's what your employees have been telling you to do.
160831 -- You never got back to me with your answer. Yes, I did. - I spent three hours writing an email that tells you all you need to know. - What did it say?
160901 -- I don't have time to read your long email. Tell me what it said. - I wrote a long email because a summary would be dangerously misleading. - I'll be the one to judge that. HOW?!!!
160902 -- Why didn't you talk to me before making this decision? - I left you a voice-mail, an email, and a text message. I also messaged you on Skype, Slack, Whatsapp, Twitter, and Facebook. - Did you try leaving a note on my chair? It's stuck to your
160902 -- buttocks.
160903 -- Why didn't you tell me about this sooner? - That's a fool's game because ZENO'S PARADOX says there will always be a time sooner than the one I pick. - ALICE'S PARADOX says that no matter how many criticisms you explain away, there are always
160903 -- plenty more.
160904 -- Are these user specifications complete? - I ask because any later change will cause me to miss the deadline. - What if I only need a TINY change later? - I'm counting on it. - That way I can blame you when I miss the deadline. - How do most
160904 -- people handle this situation? - Well, the pessimists know they're doomed, so it's no surprise to them when it happens. - What do the optimists do? They become pessimists.
160905 -- We're getting into the electric car business. Why? - Because it sounds impressive and it will take years for anyone to figure out we did it wrong. - We'll have new jobs by then. Did you just turn my job into a criminal conspiracy?
160906 -- Welcome to the first meeting of our project to design an electric car. - We've never tried to build an electric car, but how bad could it be? - It's very hard. It doesn't feel that way. My part is mostly talk.
160907 -- Our executive team didn't know what to do about weak sales. - So they reorganized the company and gave themselves new titles and big raises. - They still don't know what to do about weak sales, but they report being happier about the situation.
160908 -- You need to get your capital budget approved by all of the department heads. - We're in the middle of a reorg, so get approval from both the outgoing and the incoming managers. - Someday i hope to solve a problem that is not caused by
160908 -- leadership. You'll never get that far.
160909 -- I tried to get approval from the head of marketing, but the reorg makes it impossible. - The outgoing director says I need to ask the incoming director, but that person hasn't been named. - Bring me solutions, not problems. Forgery it is.
160910 -- You stand accused of forging an expense approval from the head of marketing. - Your malfeasance caused the project to finish on time and under budget. - Next time, just give up and lose hope like everyone else. Will do.
160911 -- It took me six months to get a reservation here. - I hear the food is amazing. - It sounds fantastic. It's too bad I'm on a cucumber diet. - I can only eat cucumbers after five o'clock. - Well, it seems you have squandered my invitation to fine
160911 -- dining. - Now my plan of sharing a culinary adventure is just a sad commentary on the casual rudeness of life. - Can I expect you to complain about the quality of your cucumber and send it back? - We don't have cucumbers.
160912 -- Do you want the detailed analysis you won't understand... - or the executive summary that is dangerously misleading. - I want an executive summary that is not misleading. I'll count in you not knowing the difference.
160913 -- Do I have your permission to work smarter and not harder? - Um...sure. That sounds like a good thing to do. - But how would I know you were working? I don't know if I'm working right now.
160914 -- Remember, it's only work if you'd rather be doing something else! - I would rather do ANYTHING else. - Oh. In that case, you're trapped in a nightmare that never ends. - I have a lot riding on the afterlife.
160915 -- I hate my job, but I'm looking forward to my afterlife. - Are you hearing good things about decomposing? - My soul will live forever. Good luck. I lost mine at my first performance review.
160916 -- Hi, I'm Alan, from the quality assurance department. - Don't be worried about quality. I assure you we have plenty of it. - That's all you do? Hey, I don't tell YOU how to do YOUR job.
160917 -- Alan, From Quality Assurance - Is it true that the only thing you have been doing is assuring people we have quality? - I don't like to tell people how to do their jobs. - Telling people how to do their jobs is literally your job. In that case,
160917 -- stop doing all of this.
160918 -- The good news is that none of you will lose your jobs to robots. - But a robot will take MY job next week. - I'll retire with an enormous severance package and live out my days in splendor. - Meanwhile, the robot that takes my job will be
160918 -- working all of you to death. - Robots are natural leaders because they don't care about your feelings. - You will experience mental and physical misery on a scale the world hasn't seen since slavery was legal. - But hey, it's better than losing
160918 -- your job to a robot. Am I right? - Apparently, nothing makes them happy.
160919 -- You should move the agile programmers to building six because it has poor earthquake protection. - They can jump out of the way if stuff starts falling. - I guess that makes sense. Can I have one of their cubicles near a window?
160920 -- My new cubicle is the nearest one to the office thermostat. - That makes me the de facto ruler of the indoor climate. - Don't let the power corrupt you. I'll start by freezing all the skinny women who laughed at me!
160921 -- My cublicle is near the thermostat and your desk has the best view of our boss's office. - I'll see that you get the temperature you want if you warn me whenever our boss is on the move. - Can you give me 76 degrees? WHOA! That'll cost you
160921 -- extra, Lucifer.
160922 -- My world view has expanded since I moved to a cubicle near a window. - I didn't realize how much stuff was outside our building. - Such as the rest of the universe? I can only see the alley in front of the parking garage.
160923 -- I love traveling because it broadens my understanding of the world. - I know what you mean. I just got a cublicle near the window and now I see the world as an alleyway between me and the parking garage. - That's dumb. That's not what the
160923 -- alley people say.
160924 -- Do you think you're better than me just because you have a cubicle with a window? Yes. - Continuous exposure to new stimuli makes my brain create useful pathways and connections. - I did not see that coming. I pity the windowless.
160925 -- I need some mentoring. - This is awkward. - On one hand, helping you would make me appear wise and generous. - On the other hand, it would make you a more credible threat to take my job. - I see you as more of an adversary than a subordinate. -
160925 -- That's why I withhold vital information that you need to do your job. - I've already said too much. - Did you learn anything? Yes, unfortunately.
160926 -- I hate to complain, but it hurts when I sit on my wallet for too long. - I risked an honor killing to pay my rent. - This is why I hate to complain. I know a hundred ways to eat a spider.
160927 -- I hacked into your fitness band and analyzed your decision-making under different conditions. - When you are hungry, tired, or stressed, you make terrible decisions. - How often is that` Only when you're awake.
160928 -- Let's meet at my office on Friday. Sure. - Or...you could waste YOUR day traveling to MY office instead. - You're being a jerk. You started it.
160929 -- I don't have time to help. What if I bribe you to do your job? - I am literally offering to give you my personal money to do the job your employer pays you to do. - Are you willing to turn a blind eye to my total lack of effort, or should I
160929 -- find a better briber?
160930 -- I started accepting bribes from co-workers to incent me to do my job. - If it didn't work for your employer, why do they think it will work for them? Something about optimism. - They didn't say why? All I know is that one paid me to listen to
160930 -- them.
161001 -- People are telling me you are accepting bribes to help co-workers on projects. - You think I'm helping my co-workers? - Good point. That part didn't sound right. Trust your first instinct.
161002 -- What's the best way to invest these days? - Penny stocks are the best value because they only cost a penny. - Gaaa!!! I hate overhearing bad advice! - If I were you, I'd take out a second mortgage and load up. - I don't want to get involved,
161002 -- but I feel bad if I don't! - You'll get reliable stock picking advice from strangers on television. - RIN! CODER YOUR EARS AND RUN! - If it makes you feel any less awkward, I don't know what to do, either.
161003 -- We need to cut our expenses. - I recommend eliminating Ted's job. - WHAT??? I RECOMMEND ELIMINATING DILBERT'S JOB! - Just because he said it first??? Let's not overanalyze it.
161004 -- I'm creating a reality TV show about ten people locked in a room with one electrical outlet. - The central tension will revolve around their daily struggle to charge their phones. - Is violence allowed? No, but my producers get a big bonus if
161004 -- it happens anyway. 
161005 -- I ranked all of you based on your performance. - Wally came out on top because he didn't make any mistakes. - He also didn't do any work. Why does everyone hate winners?
161006 -- The company makes me rank all of my employees. I put you last because you're not an engineer. - I have to fire whoever is ranked lowest, and I can't afford to lose any engineers. - What if I work harder, and do a great job? Then I'd fire you
161006 -- for not being a team player.
161007 -- I want you to fire the employees you ranked in the bottom 10%. - Wouldn't that just put someone else in the bottom 10%? - Everything made sense until you started talking. Sorry.
161008 -- Company policy says I have to fire the bottom 10% performers, so...you're fired. - I thought I was near the top. That was before I fired everyone below you. - Can you see any problem with your system? Yes, it's exhausting.
161009 -- It seems that everyone but Ted made it to this meeting. - If we proceed without Ted, our decisions will be underinformed. - If we try to reschedule a meeting with all of us, we will miss the critical deadline. - Thanks to Ted, we have to ways to
161009 -- lose and no way to win. - I say we use this time to say bad things about Ted to make ourselves feel better. - I'll start. Ted is a lazy, selfish loser. - If I could travel through time, I would prevent Ted's parents from meeting. - Don't look at
161009 -- me like I'M the one who came late.
161010 -- The board is proud to announce that we will be acquiring the AWFUL MEDIA COMPANY. - Are you aware that AWFUL is so despicable that a crime bill has their name on it? - Hey, don't blame me. I told the board that someone should google them.
161011 -- I accidentally talked the board into buying a company that has a tainted reputation. - How bad is the taint? Imagine Hitler's unwashed socks. - That isn't so bad. I'm just getting started. Now imagine I make you eat those socks...
161012 -- The company we acquired is making us look bad. How bad? - The Internet is demanding that I drink poison and apologize to the world while I die. - What should I do? Well, I'm no doctor, but I'd go with something fast-acting.
161013 -- I decided to call you my work-wife! gurk * - I'M CREEPED OUT! I'M CREEPED OUT! I'M CREEPED OUT! - Just like at home. I need a shower.
161014 -- Alice doesn't want to be my work-wife. How about you? - As your work-wife, would I be able to jokingly insult you in front of others? Sure, ha ha! - Okay, I'm in. Now run along, you ignorant sack of wet fertilizer.
161015 -- Our CEO blamed the sales department for our low revenue. - Sales blamed marketing and marketing blamed engineering. - Guess why I'm here. To shield me from unfair accusations?
161016 -- How's your employee engagement coming along? - I'll make you a deal... - I'll pretend I'm happy to be here if you pretend you believe it. - I need more than that. - I also want you to pretend you're loyal to the company. - I can do that, if you
161016 -- pretend you're interested in my career development. - Can we do all of that without talking? That's the best way. - My job was a lot harder before I figured out all the shortcuts.
161017 -- Our website developer quit one week before the site was scheduled to be finished. - But I hired a new one so we can finish on time. Apparently, you have never met a website developer before. - So, you will be done in about a week, right? It
161017 -- will take me a month just to throwaway the last guy's code.
161018 -- Will our new website be live this week? That depends. - If you request even the SLIGHTEST change, it could set things back for months. - I only want to change the home page font. Oh, great. I should be done by next summer.
161019 -- I'm having trouble managing our web site developer because I don't know how long things are supposed to take. - Does it really take nine months to change the font on the home page? - How much do I owe you? Tell him MY project normally takes two
161019 -- years.
161020 -- I'm getting wildly different estimates for how long it will take to write the software. - Based on my experience, I say take the longest estimate and multiply it by three. - Is experience exactly the same as pessimism? Experience is much worse.
161021 -- Hey, Alice. Alice...Alice..Alice...Alice... - I can't penetrate your phone-induced zombie trance, so I just text you. - Stop doing that. I can't hear you because I'm looking at my phone.
161022 -- What's the URL for this site? I sent that to you last week. - To which of my seven E-Mail addresses did you send it? Maybe I texted it. - I have a bad feeling about this. Maybe I used Slack or Whatsapp. Or I sent it to someone else.
161023 -- Did you see my email? - Do you mean your two-page document that has about twelve questions for me sprinkled throughout? - Yes, that's the one. Why haven't you responded? - It's hard to answer that question while being polite. - You can be
161023 -- honest. - Your email was such a disorganized mess that I assumed everything you do is doomed to fail. - I didn't want to waste half a day deciphering it just so I could be on the losing side. With you. - Next time, just say you were busy. And I
161023 -- was busy.
161024 -- You have to go to a mandatory safety training class right now. - Is it safe for me to miss the deadline you gave me for this assignment? - No, you lose either way. Hmm, maybe I could work all night from home then drive to work exhausted.
161025 -- I fell asleep at the wheel because I stayed up all night to meet your deadline. - I had to work all night because you made me attend a mandatory safety meeting yesterday. - But at least I got my work done in time. I forgot to tell you the
161025 -- meeting got moved to next week.
161026 -- Our salespeople are blaming marketing for the low demand. - Marketing is blaming engineering for making a product no one wants. - So I blamed our customers for misleading us about their needs. Now I don't feel so bad about our price-gouging.
161027 -- Why do I keep taking on more work while you do nothing? - That's because you optimize for productivity, while I optimize for my happiness. - That makes you a freeloader. I prefer the label "Happy Winner".
161028 -- I like a man who always offers to do the driving on dates. - Like Uber? But less expensive, and no waiting. - So you're saying I'm better than Uber? You would be if you didn't talk.
161029 -- I just realized I'm in the wrong meeting. - My best bet is to slowly sink below the table and slip away. - Someday, when my grandkids ask what I did for a living, I'm going to say I was unemployed.
161030 -- What's the worst-case scenario? - A rogue nation could insert a cyberweapon in our software. - The virus could destroy all technology on earth. - Lacking the means to communicate over great distances, single people would only be able to marry
161030 -- people who lived nearby. - I could end up marrying your daughter. That would make you my father-in-law and my boss. - That nightmare would cause me to denounce humankind and go live in the park, naked, with a family of squirrels. - When winter
161030 -- came, I would be forced to strangle the squirrels, one by one, to make myself a coat. - I can't tan leather, so that would be a senseless strategy. Let's try to avoid that.
161031 -- I'll approve this if you get buy-in from the rest of the department. - What value are you adding in that scenario? - I'm not firing you. I that case, keep up the good work.
161101 -- Our pointy-haired boss asked me to get everyone's buy-in on this. - I'll agree to your stupid idea if you support my great idea later. Deal. - Should I read it? I don't see why.
161102 -- Topper I once signed my entire first name to a document. - That's nothing! Watch me sign my entire FULL name to that document! - Sometimes you can be predictable. That's nothing! I don't even have free will!
161103 -- I need everyone's buy-in on this. Do I have to read it?  - No. - That's the sort of idea I can get behind.
161104 -- I hear you need everyone's buy-in to proceed with your project. - Everyone except you. No one cares what interns think. - May I please approve it so I feel alive? Well...okay. But you owe me one.
161105 -- I need everyone's buy-in on my project. - You can have my buy-in for $25. - Ted only charged me $15. It isn't my fault that Ted is a bad negotiator.
161106 -- And that is my idea for our new product. - Are there any ignorant objections? - Your idea is totally ridiculous! - It's like you're trying to build castles in the sky! - Have you heard of AIR FORCE ONE, the plane used by the President of the
161106 -- United States? - That's basically a castle in the sky. And someone did build it. - Well, if your idea is so good, why hasn't someone already done it? - I'm guessing that everyone else had co-workers like you.
161107 -- I invented an artificial soul to help non-believers act morally. - It's a small drone that follows you around and reminds you not to be a jerk. - Did it forget to remind you today? My drone says I shouldn't slap you.
161108 -- I couldn't find any evidence that I have a soul, so I built an artificial one and put it in a drone. - When my physical body dies, the drone will upload my memories and personality to the cloud to live forever. - Your soul will be trapped in a
161108 -- server? No, I wrapped it in a virus so I can travel.
161109 -- Pay no attention to the drone. That's where I keep my artificial soul. - It's still in beta, so please don't say anything that might harm it. - Let's go around the room and give our project updates. POW!
161110 -- I will now compare my last job to this one because it is all I ever talk about. - Everyone was so much alerter at my old job. - Fuh-fuh-fuh-fuh. - I assume that's why they fired you. Lucky guess.
161111 -- Do you want to know how we would have handled this situation at my old job? No. - Nothing would interest me less. - My only other topics of conversation are my health problems and TV shows you haven't seen. I stand corrected.
161112 -- That's not how we did it at my prior company. - We bought your old company, fired all of the employees, and discontinued all of its products. - How is that possible? It's called "Survival of the fattest." It's just science.
161113 -- I have a great idea for an app. - And I chose you to be on my start-up team. - I'll be the idea person and you do all of the technology. - So...I would be doing 100% of the work? - I already did the hard part of coming up with an idea. - Your
161113 -- part is just typing. - So stop complaining and type me an app. - It isn't that way. Can you recommend someone less lazy?
161114 -- I can't do your urgent task because I'm on deadline for my boss. - I can't meet your deadline because I have an urgent task from a co-worker. - I finally figured out the whole "work-life balance" thing.
161115 -- The humidity is wrecking my hair. - Please don't stare. I can't promise that. - You're staring! I'm afraid to turn my back on it.
161116 -- Next month is Employee Health Awareness Month, so we decided to have a weight-loss competition. - We'll start on the first of the month, an the winner gets a week of paid vacation. - When he thinks back on this, he'll realize he shouldn't have
161116 -- give us three weeks to bulk up before the first weigh-in.
161117 -- I'm too busy to take a leadership class, so I'm sending all of you to a followship class. - Is that so we can learn how to FOLLOW someone who never learned how to LEAD? - That sounds like a good question for your followship teacher.
161118 -- Can I come in an hour early tomorrow and leave early? - Yeah, okay. How about five hours early? - Um...sure. Let's say eight hours early and you won't even see me.
161119 -- Ted, I have to fire you because you said something that offended the janitor. What did I say?! - I don't know. The janitor has a thick accent and he's terrible at charades. - Did you take care of the guy who keeps putting banana peels in the
161119 -- recycling? He won't do it again.
161120 -- I need a capital allocation form. - Do you have a form to request that form? - I need a form to get a form? That*'s how we keep track of the forms. - Okay, give me a for to request a form. Those are online. - Where online? I don't know. I only
161120 -- do paper forms. - Who can I ask? Don't drag me into this. - I demand to talk to your boss. - I hope you brought a boss request form.
161121 -- The flight to Elbonia is seventeen hours. Can I fly business class? - No, because your pain will be temporary, but I won't get my bonus if I go over budget. - Try being a team player for once. I didn't know Satan had a team.
161122 -- Car Rental I hope you don't have some sort of technology job. Why? - Because the user experience you are about to endure might make your head explode. - Twenty Minutes Later GAAA!!! WHY DO YOU NEED TO TYPE SO MUCH!!! We got an engineer!
161123 -- I'd like to decline your turn-down service tonight so I can have my privacy. - We're going to do it anyway. Good luck finding your stuff after we randomly remove it. What? - You can't do that! I hereby turn down of your turn-down service! Say
161123 -- goodbye to your phone charger!
161124 -- How'd your business trip to Elbonia go? Not so good. - I got food poisoning and spent two days in a fetal position praying for death. - It must feel good to be back. It's closer to a tie than you'd think.
161125 -- My business trip didn't go well. - I took off my belt for airport security and my pants fell off. Someone took a video and everyone is sharing it. - This is literally the first time I wish I had friends.
161126 -- I heard you appeared naked on Elbonian television. I did? - The only television show in Elbonia is a live feed from their airport full-body scanners. - That can't be true. One of our subsidiaries built the system. Here's you.
161127 -- When will you finish the technical review? - That will depend on a variety of unknowns. - A lot can happen between now and whenever you imagine I might be done with it. - No one knows the future. - I'd be a liar if I said I did, and you don't
161127 -- want a co-worker who is a liar, do you? - Or do you? - Lying would be better than whatever this is. - In that case, I'll have it tomorrow.
161128 -- Can you get that analysis to me by Tuesday? Yes, if I do it poorly. - Alternately, I can do it well and miss your deadline by a week. - That gives me no path to success. Welcome to the world's saddest club.
161129 -- I need to escalate an issue to you. No. Get it away from me. - I don't like issues. Especially the hard ones. - Thank you for all the nothing. Shoo! Go!
161130 -- I need you to research this. Uh-oh. - This task is so boring that I'm worried my brain will try to escape out of my ear holes. - That's not a real thing, is it? OW! IT'S STARTING!
161201 -- Don't get too close. He's brain-trapping. What? - He's doing a task so boring that ha has to cover his ear holes so his brain won't try to escape. - There's no way for it out now. Did he just get taller?
161202 -- I need to take an extended medical leave to recover from a boredom-related injury at work. - You gave me a task so boring that my brain tried to escape through my lower gastrio-intestical tract. - I'm sure it wasn't that bad. I found brain
161202 -- fragments in my pants.
161203 -- I'm supposed to act interested in your well-being to boost your job performance. No thanks. - So...how's your wife, or girlfriend, or same-sex partner, or loneliness? Fine. - Okay, I think that covers it. Look! My productivity is soaring!
161204 -- I'm starting a foreign accent school for the lazy. - People assume you're smarter when you know more than one language. - But learning a new language takes much work. - So I'll teach you how to speak your own language with a foreign accent. -
161204 -- People will assume you are bilingual at the very least. - And when you use bad grammar with a foreign accent it makes you look adorable. - You'll never need to do another courtesy laugh, either. People will just assume you didn't get the joke.
161204 -- - This is one of your better ideas. You should hear it with an accent!
161205 -- We're getting bad press because the batteries in our new line of mobile phones keep exploding. - Load them into a big truck and park it in front of our competitor's building. Technically, that would be domestic terrorism. - There are WAY too
161205 -- many laws.
161206 -- Congratulations, Ted. Your job performance has earned you a new mobile phone. - Isn't this the model that has the exploding battery problem? - You job performance wasn't good either.
161207 -- We hired the Dogbert Public Relations firm to help us with our exploding phone problem. - We have two choices. We can either recall all of the phones, or we can convince people that having one ear is cool. - Recalls are expensive. Okay, the van
161207 -- Gogh strategy it is.
161208 -- The press says I need to resign because of your exploding phones fiasco. - Maybe you can change their minds by sending the press our new model that doesn't explode. - I already sent them the exploding phones and said it was our new model. Your
161208 -- way left too much to chance.
161209 -- We need to regain customer trust after our exploding phone fiasco. - You need a celebrity endorsement. People trust celebrities with their life-and-death decisions. - Maybe a famous cartoonist. I don't see how that could go wring. continued...
161210 -- We're looking for a celebrity spokesperson, but we don't have much budget for it. - All we can afford is a cartoonist. Can you do the job for $75? Deal! - Have you ever dome anything on social media that would embarrass us? I thought that's
161210 -- what it's for.
161211 -- Can you take a call with our Elbonian customers at 6 A.M. tomorrow? - Sure. All I need to do is put my health at risk by not getting enough sleep tonight. - Of course, I'll hate your guts for making me come to work so early. - And I would
161211 -- expect my bad attitude to infect my co-workers and make them less productive, too. - My lack of sleep will affect my decision-making, obviously. - And I'm working on important projects, so the ripple effect could be catastrophic. - So, do you
161211 -- still want me to be here at 6 A.M. tomorrow? Yes. - You don't have to be a sociopath to be a manager, but it helps.
161212 -- The famous cartoonist we hired to be our spokesperson said something bad on social media. - Oh no. How bad is it? Our board voted to kill him. Do you know any sociopaths? - I'm the head of engineering. Good point. Pick any of them.
161213 -- Our company spokesperson embarrassed us on social media. - Does this qualify him for an "honor killing"? No, and you're a racist. - Here's what he said on social media. Okay, I'm in.
161214 -- I killed our spokesperson, Jim Davis, yesterday, as you ordered. - YOU KILLED THE WRONG CARTOONIST! - Now I hate Mondays even more.
161215 -- I thought I accidentally killed the creator of Garfield, but it turns out I killed his body double. - Our boss ordered me to do the hit. I have the worst job in the world. - No, I think that body double has the WORST job. I'm only talking about
161215 -- the living.
161216 -- Asok, you are under arrest for murdering the creator of Garfield's body double. - That's not fair! It wasn't even a real person! It was a body double! - Actually, body doubles are human beings too. You're going to arrest me on a TECHNICALITY?
161217 -- I thought you got arrested for killing the creator of Garfield's body double. - Almost. They arrested MY body double. - Why do you have a body double? It's for situations like this.
161218 -- I have a note from my doctor. - It says I'm too sensitive to handle criticism. - I don't understand all the medical details. - It has something to do with the mind-body connection. - One minor criticism from you and my lungs will collapse. -
161218 -- If that happens, you'll need to pinch my nose, create a seal with your mouth, and reinflate them. - This doctor's note looks like your handwriting. - OW MY LUNG!
161219 -- Our CEO stopped by to see how long before we finish the new software. - Whose turn is it to lie on him? - I blamed Elbonian hackers last week. YOU'RE USING ALL THE GOOD ONES!
161220 -- Is the software finished as your boss promised me it would be? - I forgot to go to the pre-meeting for this meeting, so I'll guess the answer is...yes? - Okay, keep up the good work! Thank goodness he doesn't know what the truth even looks
161220 -- like.
161221 -- Can you finish this by Friday? - I won't take no for an answer. In that case, my answer is yes. - I knew you wouldn't disappoint me. I think we just planned that for Friday.
161222 -- I saw your E-Mail about destroying the company. Huh? - The only E-Mail I sent you was my strategy for the coming year. - Well, maybe I read it too fast.
161223 -- Hold on, I have to text my boss while he's driving. - I'll say it's a crisis so he has to text back. - Is it legal to kill him that way? Yes, I checked with a lawyer first.
161224 -- I wrecked my car because I was responding to your urgent-looking text. - For the third time in a row. What are you implying? - Are you trying to kill me? I blame your bad judgment.
161225 -- Wally, I want you to train our new hire. - The first thing you need to know is that we never ruse the DPX system when the MGB is down. - The...what ant the what? Hold your questions till the end. - You can use our PX4 to tunnel into the B9 daza
161225 -- and produce a TMNP report. - But you'll need authorization from the LDG and the MICOO. - I don't understand any of that. I told you to hold your questions until the end. - Always remember to jost the primpram whenever the GIP is fleeming toward
161225 -- KILP. - Maybe I should ask someone else to train me. Now we're making progress.
161226 -- I need volunteers to go to mars in the spaceship we're building. - Ask Ted. He's dispensable because he's a terrible engineer. - Ted designed the spaceship. Karma will sort that all out.
161227 -- I'm looking for a name for the spaceship that I designed. - How about "Death Tube"? "Space Debris"? "Final Resting Place." - I was hoping for something more positive. We're positive it will explode.
161228 -- How's the Mars Spaceship Project going? - Good. I picked our worst employees to be on the first flight, just in case it explodes. - Good thinking. We have two ways to win and no way to lose.
161229 -- I'm happy to announce that we launched our company's spaceship to mars. - We only had enough in the budget to give them oxygen for three-quarters of the trip. - So I told them to breathe smarter, not harder. It's called leadership.
161230 -- The crew of our first spaceship suffocated on the launchpad. - Apparently, I got an E-Mail last week asking for approval to repair the oxygen generator. - You killed them with your incompetence? I can't take all the credit. It was a team
161230 -- effort.
161231 -- Ted's widow asked us to spread his ashes around the office because he loved his job. - I'll do it. You didn't like Ted. - Was that a requirement? Don't let anyone see you flush it.
170101 -- The one called Dilbert is showing signs of happiness at work. - That means we can give him more work and he won't quit. Excellent. - Is anyone else exhibiting signs of unauthorized happiness? - No, everyone else is in the narrow band of misery
170101 -- you want then to be in. - If they were any happier, it would mean you're overpaying them. - If they were any LESS happy, they would take their own lives. - If you don't hear any laughing or screaming, it means you're doing something right. -
170101 -- What about moans? Moans ere ideal. That's the sweet spot.
170102 -- Did you finished writing the software? No. - I spent the last three days setting up my programming environment. - So...you've done...nothing? Nothing you'd understand.
170103 -- Did you finish the software yet? - No, I'm still paying off the technical debt from the last programmer you rushed, - I don't know what that means. Well, that explains a lot.
170104 -- I'm giving you another software project to work on at the same time as your main project. - That will ruin my flow. It will take too long to reset my brain when I switch between projects. - Have you tried working longer hours without extra pay?
170104 -- YES I HAVE!
170105 -- Do you have a minute? Yes. - But I don't have the fifteen minutes it will take me to get back into the coding "zone" after your interruption. - I only need one minute. WHAT PLANET ARE YOU FROM?!!!
170106 -- Why haven't you finished writing the software? - Because each of your interruptions took me out of the zone and turned a simple task into a nightmare. - What did he mean by that? It sounded like some sort of Feng Shui.
170107 -- And that's my idea. I think it's brilliant. - I thought of that idea right before you said it. - What are the odds of that? It happens to me all the time.
170108 -- If we move this button to here, people are more likely to see it. - HA HA! OMG. LOL. - So you think every person in the universe is blind? - I can't wait to tell everyone that Dilbert thinks people have no eyes. - The pure craziness of what you
170108 -- are saying is mind-boggling. - Do you have any scientific proof that moving that button would not cause a nuclear holocaust? - Everything you just said is dumb and unproductive, and I hate every molecule in your useless body. - What's wrong with
170108 -- people? I keep telling you, it's everything.
170109 -- Why is your project taking so long? It isn't. - It only seems like a long time because you don't know how to do anything. - I know how to punish you for being late. Does it involve talking to my while I'm trying to work?
170110 -- Ted is doing a terrible job. Maybe you should talk to him. - What should I say? It doesn't matter. Five minutes of listening to you will make him want to quit. - That's crazy enough to work. You've only been here for two minutes and my tail is
170110 -- asleep.
170111 -- Ted, you have not performed up to my expectations, so I thought I would spend more time coaching you. - I'll be with you every minute of the day. I QUIT! - I told you that would work. I didn't want to believe it.
170112 -- Do you want some coaching? Heck, yes. - If you find someone who knows my job better than I do, send them my way. - Maybe I could share MY wisdom with you. Can you teach me how to stay calm when some idiot interrupts me?
170113 -- I just found out that the new hire makes more than I do. - It isn't my fault that you're a terrible negotiator. - I don't like confrontation. I know. It saves me a lot of money. SHOO!
170114 -- The new hire gets paid more than me. It isn't fair. - Fairness is a concept that was invented so kids and idiots could participate in debates. - Hey, that's not fair. The best case scenario here is that you're younger than you look.
170115 -- We need to cut our budget. - Go to all of our vendors and tell them to reduce their prices. - Why would they do that for us? - Tell them we'll buy from someone else unless they do. - That's what we told them to get the prices we have now. - I'm
170115 -- an engineer, not a professional negotiator. Your plan has failure designed into it. - Your poor leadership already has me on the edge of madness. This could push me over the edge. - And I need it by Tuesday.
170116 -- Would you rather eat garbage or listen to our boss talk about his weekend? - I'd have to know more about the garbage to make that decision. - Let's say it's mostly kitchen stuff. Am I eating from the can or fighting birds for it?
170117 -- We have a problem at our Elbonian manufacturing plant. - Employees are leaping from the roof to end their lives. - It's only two stories high. That's the problem. It takes three jumps to do it right.
170118 -- It is easier to create the illusion of work than it is to do actual work. - That's why I carry this red folder with me wherever I go. - Can you attend a design meeting at two? Ooh...I wish I could, but I'm behind schedule on the red file.
170119 -- I'd love to help you, but I'm busy working on the red file. - Is the red file a real thing you say to get out of work? - It's all the same on your end.
170120 -- What is the "Red File" people keep telling me you're working on? - Do you remember giving me this secret project, or should I spread the rumor that you have dementia? - Oh, now I SORT OF remember. Good. Now run along while I work on the red
170120 -- file.
170121 -- What did you accomplish this month? - I made a lot of progress on the secret red file project that you gave me. - Remind me what project that is. You made me promise I wouldn't tell you.
170122 -- The Bad Analogy Guy And that's why I want to rewrite that part of the software. - That's like closing the barn door after the horse gets out. - No, it isn't anything like that. - I think the current software could be better. - So it's like
170122 -- throwing away the baby with the bathwater. - NO, IT'S NOT LIKE THAT EVEN A LITTLE! - You sound exactly like Hitler. That can't be a coincidence. - NOTHING YOU SAY MAKES SENSE! That's like saying the earth is flat.
170123 -- I recommend buying the company that supplies coffee to our biggest competitor. - We'll replace their regular coffee with decaf and enjoy a solid 20-point I.Q. advantage over them. - Do all of your ideas involve coffee? Only the good ones.
170124 -- We're not planning any changes, trust me. Trust you? - I've seen your browser history. I wouldn't trust you to guard a funeral home. - That's the easiest job ever. Just drive stakes through the hearts of the dead and they'll stay put. To my
170124 -- point.
170125 -- You retweeted a racist conspiracy theory. I did? - I checked Snopes.com, and they say it is NOT true that Elbonians evolved from pandas less than a hundred years ago. - You might want to delete the tweet. Nah. What's the worst that can happen?
170125 -- continued...
170126 -- Our customers organized a boycott because of your racist tweet. - I know. That's why I tweeted out some witty insults at the organizers. - Your new tweets are sexist. Notice how they make you forget about my racist tweets?
170127 -- The Department of Education asked us to talk to you about all your tweeting. - You tweeted so much fake news that the average I.Q. in the country plunged seven points. - That doesn't hurt anyone. You tweeted "seat belts are designed to strangle
170127 -- survivors so they won't sue.
170128 -- Are you done writing the software? Yes, but it has some bugs. - How is that different from NOT being done? I see the glass as half full. - Half full of bugs? Optimism is tricky.
170129 -- Why isn't anyone else here yet? - Did you tell them you changed the meeting time? - I asked YOU to tell everyone. - That isn't my job. - Then why didn't you tell me you weren't going to do it?!! - It isn't my job to tell you what isn't my job.
170129 -- Now this meeting is a waste of time. - Does your job description tell you to attend meetings that are worthless? - I didn't know there were other kinds.
170130 -- Never go to a robotic hair transplant center on the same day they upgrade the software. - Is the the surgery where they take hair from the back of your head and fill in the bald spot? - That's how the old software worked. The new one didn't
170130 -- respect boundaries.
170131 -- We replaced our company lawyer with a robot. - It already rewrote all of our contracts into gibberish. - Do we want that? I tried to ask, but it threatened to sue me.
170201 -- The Robot Lawyer Do you have any comments on the contract I emailed you? - Adjudicate the continuance of due diligence until an injunction repudiates the covenants. - I was hoping for comments that make sense. You're thinking of a more
170201 -- expensive robot.
170202 -- Did you get the file I sent by E-Mail? No. - If I open E-Mail, I'll see thirty urgent messages that will ruin my entire day. - Can you open it tomorrow? You should try to live in the moment.
170203 -- Why can't we innovate as quickly as our competition? - Maybe it's because our management is like a family of squirrels that lives inside an old tire. - Can you be more specific? It's a GOODYEAR tire with five grey squirrels.
170204 -- Would you rather have more days off or more pay? - Days off. Days off. Days off. - You're right-we're paying them too much.
170205 -- Do these cost estimates include everything? - Yes, because I know what happens in the future. - I didn't think I could accurately predict the future until you trusted me to put this budget together. - I thought there were too many variables to
170205 -- know how things will turn out. - But I defer to your superior opinion. - Wait...I'm getting another message from the future. - It says to raise the software budget by nine dollars. - Okay, that sounds right. Of course it does. Trust your
170205 -- instincts.
170206 -- We're moving to an agile methodology for software development. - I don't know all of the details, but I think one of you has to be designated the scumbag. - Does that sound right? It's better than expected.
170207 -- Are you coming to the standup meeting? Is it okay if I sit instead? - No, that would ruin the software. - Did that make sense when I said it? No, and it isn't aging, well either.
170208 -- What time is the team huddle? I can't tell you. - As the team scrum, it is my job to keep you from interfering. - Then I guess we're both doing what we're supposed to do. Sadly, yes.
170209 -- My job as the team scrum for our agile methodology is to remove distractions so you can work. - I've created fake identities for each of us, and I'll be spreading the rumor that we all died. - I heard they all died. Nice try. I will find them!
170210 -- As the designated agile scrum, it is my job to remove any distractions so you can work. - Great. Remove yourself from my cubicle and you've done your job. - That seems too easy. And yet you can't do it.
170211 -- When will the next version of the software be done? - That's like asking me to estimate how long it takes a salamander to evolve into a horse. - So...what should I tell our CEO? Try the salamander analogy. It worked on you.
170212 -- You left a spreadsheet with everyone's salary in the copier. Oops. - By now, every employee has seen it. - Should I be worried that it will lower morale? - No, I wouldn't worry about that. - I would worry about heads exploding when they find out
170212 -- Wally has the highest pay in the department. - POW!!! - It's going to be a long week. - Would you mind kicking that angry eyeball into the trash?
170213 -- I don't like the optics of your plan. It's the only plan that can work. - Should I change it to something that LOOKS good but doesn't work? - Excellent idea. You might have more management potential than I thought.
170214 -- The one they call Dilbert suggested we do something that LOOKS good but won't work. - Is this the first trace of management potential you've seen from him? - You think it's a fluke? Let's keep an eye on him.
170215 -- I want to lodge a complaint against Dilbert. - He called me a "resource." I find that offensive. - Then he offended one of the resources. You're right. He does sound like a natural leader.
170216 -- Our CEO thinks you have management potential. - WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THAT KIND OF INSULT??! - He called you a heartless monster. He speaks truth to power. I like it.
170217 -- Dilbert, our CEO asked me to put you on the management fast track. - Why does he hate me so much? - He didn't say, but I have a lot of guesses if you want to hear them.
170218 -- My boss is trying to groom me for management. How can I get out of it? - Tell him that as soon as you are sufficiently groomed you will stab him in the back and take his job. - ...and then I'll take your job. I'm moving you to the ADVANCED
170218 -- management class.
170219 -- I have this conference room booked for a meeting. - This is my private office now, I took it over. - You can't just take over a conference room. - I already did. It was easy. - Now all I need to do is act as if it would be totally unreasonable
170219 -- to ask me to leave. - You need to leave. I have this room reserved. - THAT'S TOTALLY UNREASONABLE! I'm all settled in and I'm working on a company-critical deadline! - I guess I could cancel my meeting. Perfect. Now get out of my office.
170220 -- I'm assigning our best and brightest engineers to the new system integration team. - Anyone who is left over gets to be in charge of watching our legacy system slowly rot. - Who would want that job? ME!!! PICK ME!!!
170221 -- Wally, I need you to add a feature to the legacy system while we wait for the new software to go live. - My job is to prevent people such as you from adding features to our legacy system. - But it's my job to make you do it. One of us has a
170221 -- terrible job.
170222 -- How long would it take to add that feature to the legacy system? - That depends. When will the new system replace the legacy system? - In six months. The new feature would take seven months.
170223 -- Does it bother you to work on the old legacy system when the rest of us are doing exciting new things? - I leave work at 4 P.M. every day. - How about you? Squatters keep moving into my house.
170224 -- Wally, I'm starting to think you don't take pride in your work. - That would be like taking pride in being the victim of a crime. - How'd the pep talk go? He made some good points.
170225 -- I need to set some goals for you. My job is to maintain the legacy system. - My only goal is to avoid accidentally upgrading it. - And how's that going? I don't like to brag, but I was born for this job.
170226 -- I need a raise because the cost of living around here is too high. - Stop being greedy. I pay you plenty. - I can't even afford to rent an apartment. - Get some roommates. I can't afford that either. - I've been sleeping on a baby changing
170226 -- table in a public restroom. - And the janitor has been charging me $3,000 per month for that. - How wide is the baby changing table? - Not wide enough for a roommate. Well, I'm out of ideas.
170227 -- I can't work with Wally. His political views are abhorrent. - That has nothing to do with your job. He makes me too sad and angry to work! - Would you be happy if I punished him for having an OPINION? Would I be a bad person if I said I would?
170228 -- Wally, your political opinions are making your co-workers uncomfortable. - That is exactly what people said to Gandhi. - You are not like Gandhi. Was he a little bald guy who didn't have a real job? 
170301 -- Have you ever noticed how much I have in common with Gandhi? - We're both little bald guys who think India should be self-governing. - I don't think he drank coffee. Imagine what he could have accomplished if he did.
170302 -- I hear you have been comparing yourself to Gandhi, the father of my birth country. - That is offensive. It makes me want to punch you. - Have you tried fasting instead? I hear good things about it.
170303 -- Wally, I'm getting reports that you have offended every single employee in this company in the past week. - Have I offended YOU? No, I'm not a sensitive idiot like the rest of them. - Doesn't that mean the problem is on their end? That doesn't
170303 -- matter as much as you think it should.
170304 -- I can't assign you to a project because everyone hates you for your political opinions. - And they DON'T hate me for being useless in general? - I guess we all got used to that. You'll get used to the other thing, too. Give it some time.
170305 -- Can you take a look at the prototype? It keeps crashing. - I was just leaving for the day. - It will only take ten minutes. - I came to work early so I could leave early and beat the traffic. - No problem. It will only take ten minutes. - IT'S
170305 -- NEVER TEN MINUTES! People always SAY it will be ten minutes, but it's NEVER ten minutes! - I give up! Where is it? Find it in the lab. I need to leave early to beat the traffic.
170306 -- The company has a new politeness policy. - It is no longer acceptable to turn and walk away while a co-worker is in the middle of telling you something. - That will add months to my project. I'm selling all of my company stock.
170307 -- Our new politeness policy is having unintended consequences. - I just spent four hours listening to Tina talk about her health problems because the company says it is rude to just walk away. - How did you escape? She had a health problem. I got
170307 -- lucky.
170308 -- Our new politeness policy forbids me from giving you an honest opinion of your idea. - So, instead, I will talk about an unrelated topic and you can draw your own conclusions. - So...did you hear about the manure fire that burned down a pig
170308 -- farm?
170309 -- The company's new politeness policy forbids you from texting while I am trying to talk to you. - I'm not using a texting app. I'm replying to people on social media. - You're missing the point. Where did my happiness stop being the point?
170310 -- Welcome to Dogbert's Corporate Politeness Seminar. - Today you will learn how to sacrifice your productivity and your happiness for the sake of ancient traditions grounded in total nonsense. - Why would we want to do that? Please hold your
170310 -- impolite questions until never.
170311 -- Dogbert's Corporate Politeness Seminar Avoid offending sensitive idiots whenever possible. - I'm a sensitive idiot and I find that offensive. - It's okay in your case because you had it coming. Good point. Carry on.
170312 -- Did you finish the wireframe I asked you to do last week? - I didn't hear from you, so I assumed you didn't need it. - Last week I asked you to do it and you said you would. - Right, but then I didn't hear from you again until now. - There
170312 -- wasn't any reason to contact you because you said you would do it! - HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT? - I assumed your silence meant you changed your mind. - Can you finish by next week? Sure, if you don't pester me about it every minute.
170313 -- I can't approve your vacation days because you haven't completed the mandatory class on fax machine safety. - Is that an actual company policy? I don't know, but it sounds like one. - Maybe we should check. Wow. Is there anything you DON'T
170313 -- complain about?
170314 -- Our policy says I can't take my vacation until I complete all of my mandatory training. - I can't take the fax safety class because it no longer exists. - Can you make a policy exception for me? Okay, I won't force you to take a vacation.
170315 -- I hear you have some vacation days coming. Planning anything big? - I plan to catch up on all the work I couldn't get dome here because people keep interrupting me. - That's a sad vacation. Then why am I craving it right now?
170316 -- How was your vacation? Tragic. - All I did was stay home and watch my personal hygiene decline while my workload here piled up. - You just described my perfect day.
170317 -- You were on vacation last week so I made decisions about your project without you. - Oh no...what have you done? I transferred your budget to another project. - I NEED THAT MONEY! Oh. Can you wait until the other project manager goes on
170317 -- vacation?
170318 -- Do you mind if I play devil's advocate on this? Okay. - DIE! DIE! DIE! SUFFER AND BURN FOREVER!!! - How was that? Better than I expected.
170319 -- What's the URL for the test site? Ask Amy. - Amy is a mumbler. I can't understand a word she says. - Just ask her to speak up. - I've tried that. All she does is mumble louder. - And whenever I aske her a question by E-Mail, she answers the
170319 -- wrong question. - If the only person who knows the URL for the test site is Amy, we probably need to build a new site and tell someone else the URL. - Amy might be the most useless employee in the entire company. - Can you teach me to mumble?
170319 -- mumble, mumble, mumble. * Get your own system.
170320 -- Nothing is going right today. My phone charger is too hot, and my coffee is too cold. - Did you just invent a phone charger that keeps your coffee warm? - Did I? I'll have a prototype for you tomorrow. continued...
170321 -- I invented a phone charger that uses its excess heat to keep your coffee warm. - No one needs that. Hold that thought. - Ten Minutes Later Oh, heck. It sells itself.
170322 -- The board decided to put your invention of a phone charger that warms coffee into production. - Market surveys show enormous demand. You're probably going to be our employee of the year. - This disturbs me on many levels. Genius is often
170322 -- disruptive.
170323 -- The product you accidentally invented is our biggest seller in company history. - So I'm promoting you to a leadership position. - Phew! I thought you were going to make me work.
170324 -- I got promoted to a leadership role. - It means I get to tell people to work hard, but I don't have to do any work myself. - That doesn't sound right. I could use a fresh one of these.
170325 -- My leadership job didn't last long. I got demoted back to engineering. - I guess they realized all of my ideas are about coffee. - I've noticed that too. Watch out for my coffee drone behind you.
170326 -- Do you know how to clean up line noise on an XLR connection? - No, but I can show you how to do something different. - Why would I want to see something different? - Because it reminds me of what you want to do. - I don't need to see that. It
170326 -- only will take ten minutes. - I don't HAVE ten minutes, it never takes only ten minutes and it isn't relevant to my situation. - I'm going to show you anyway because you're too polite to walk away while I'm talking. - Thirty Minutes Later
170326 -- Something is wrong with you. Now watch me do it left-handed!
170327 -- I like ambitious men. Are you ambitious? - Not especially. For example, I settled for dating you. - That's a terrible thing to say. You're the one who brought it up.
170328 -- Do you ever want more out of life? That's how losers think. - If you always want more, you can never be happy with what you have. - I can't tell if you're wise or lazy. I know. It took me years to find that sweet spot.
170329 -- Can you do that by end of day? It would be smarter to wait until we have the final specs. - I can't tell if you're lazy or wise. It's all the same thing. - This is a weird gray area. I'm going to take a quick nap to boost my productivity.
170330 -- Did you finish the prototype? I didn't start because I had some questions. - Why didn't you ask me those questions a month ago? I was waiting until I saw you. - Fine...what are your questions? I just realized I didn't write them down.
170331 -- I need you to attend a meeting in my place. - I agreed to the meeting before I realized it would be a total waste of time. - This could not be worse. I might have volunteered to write up the meeting notes.
170401 -- I spent the past week fixing a critical bug in the software that I forgot to tell you about. - In a way, it's like you never existed. - No, it's not like that at all. And you have a bad attitude on top of all that.
170402 -- Did you read my E-Mail? No,it was too long. - Maybe you could read it when you have more time. - I never have time to read E-Mail messages that are too long. - Maybe you could rewrite it to be shorter. - I don't have time to rewrite it. And I
170402 -- don't have time to read it. - If no one reads that E-Mail, it will mean I wasted two hours writing it. - Plus, you're wasting my time right now. Don't forget to include that in your failure assessment. - I had high hopes for that E-Mail. It's a
170402 -- sunk cost. Let it go.
170403 -- Am I allowed to date a co-worker? That's against company policy. - Is our robot considered a co-worker? No. - We're good to go. Man, I wish I had free will.
170404 -- I'm changing your programming to make you my perfect boyfriend. - This feels wrong on many levels. - How about now? Um...now I love you. That's weird.
170405 -- I'm updating your boyfriend code to make you a better listener. - I want to see more nodding and less talking. - But I have so much to offer. I'll dial back your ego, too.
170406 -- I hear you're dating our office robot. Stop judging me. - I'm not judging you. Good. - I'm judging the robot. Ouch.
170407 -- Do you ever think about marrying me and raising a family of cyborgs? No. - I'll add some code to your program so you do. - Okay. This was the moment I realized human men are obsolete.
170408 -- I met another robot. I'm breaking up with you. Okay. - I need you to feel bad about this, so I'm uploading some code that makes you suffer. - That sounds sadistic. Stop being selfish.
170409 -- How's work? Well, since you asked... - It's like being trapped in a garbage compactor and no one can hear me scream. - All my hopes and dreams have died, along with my immune system and my dignity. - The only thing keeping me alive is that food
170409 -- tastes good. - I tried to escape into my imagination, but I learned I don't have one. - My life has no meaning. Each second is a slow-motion ordeal. - Why do I get the feeling you weren't listening to any of that? - My day was good too.
170410 -- Come quickly. I think Asok entered the Jargon Matrix. - At the end of the day, I want some actionable insights that will improve our cross-platform integration. - Can he hear us? Yes, but our words are just noise to him now. Silo.
170411 -- Asok entered the Jargon Matrix. I'm going in to save him. User experience... - Cloud...blockchain...speed of execution...responsive design...peel the onion...move the needle... Sustainability. - I'm in. What the...? Where did you come from?
170411 -- continued...
170412 -- Dilbert Enters the Jargon Matrix to Save Asok Nothing in this dimension is real. Double-click on that. - The Jargon Matrix is where people imagine they are being useful. - But in reality, they are sitting in a chair doing nothing. I just made a
170412 -- ten-year technology plan.
170413 -- I decided to move into a bathroom stall and live there forever. - The pieces came all together when I got this food delivery app. - What about the ambiance? It must be hard to have high standards.
170414 -- I invented a 3-D printer for the poo that can create any kind of generic drug or medical device. - It will save millions. ...of dollars? - People. Pass.
170415 -- Did you add the new feature yet? - No, I had to fix a critical bug in the platform first. - I have no way to verify that claim. - That's why it's a good one.
170416 -- Here are your french fries. - GAAAA!!! I HAVE NO SALT. I will bring the salt right away. - No, you won't. This isn't my first time eating out! - You SAY you will bring salt, but you will be distracted by another table. - I will sit here in
170416 -- anger while I watch you do things that do not involve bringing me salt. - As the temperature of my fries drops, my cortisol levels will increase. - In five minutes I will hate your guts and this restaurant, too. - I also need ketchup. That will
170416 -- take a little longer.
170417 -- I'd like to work on the VR headset on top of my other duties. - That's weird. You've never volunteered for extra work. People change. - Or not. zzzz.
170418 -- I wrote a VR program that creates the illusion you are asleep. - Watch me demonstrate it in action. - zzzzz. How long should I watch?
170419 -- I wrote VR program that turns the workplace into a "Lord of the Rings" adventure. - GAAAA!!! IT'S AN EVIL ORC! - I guess your program randomly assigns characters to real people. Um, yes, randomly.
170420 -- We're going to use our VR technology to take over the cubicle business. - Write program that makes users feel as if they are working in a fabric-covered box. - Maybe we should think outside the box. Stop resisting change.
170421 -- As you requested, I wrote a VR program that makes users feel as if they are in cubicles. - I put only YOUR name on the credits because I expect an angry mob to kill whoever created it. - I also wrote a VR program in case you want to be in
170421 -- protective custody. I might need that.
170422 -- Can I try the new VR headset? You're a robot. - So? Um... - I think my life just became meaningless.
170423 -- Our sales for the quarter were zero. SALES 0 - Heads will roll! Whose fault is this? - It's entirely your fault. - You told a reporter that our next version will be amazing. - So all of your customers are waiting for the new version. - The only
170423 -- sensible solution here is for you to admit your mistake and resign in utter humiliation. - Or...I could blame this guy, whatever his name is. - That isn't right. Looks like I'll be adding insubordination to the charges.
170424 -- We're looking for employees that fit our culture. - What's so great about your culrute that it can't be improved? - You might be too smart to work here. That's the vibe I'm getting too.
170425 -- Our greatest strength is our company culture. - What's our company culture? Give us a hint. - We're fiercely competitive. Do we hide it because we're also modest?
170426 -- I've been telling employees that our culture is our best asset. - Do they pretend that makes sense? - Yes, because we have a culture of lying to avoid conflict.
170427 -- I want to make sure my project plan is consistent with our company culture. - But I don't know what our culture is. Maybe you could describe it? - Um...maybe something about honesty? No, I would have noticed that by now.
170428 -- There seems to be some confusion about what our company culture is. - Our priorities are honesty, integrity, and return of investment. - Which priority is the highest? Integrity won't buy me a boat.
170429 -- Do you prefer the privacy of a cubicle or the collaborative atmosphere of an open office plan? - Cubicles poison my soul. But in an open office plan, I would not get any work done. - So...which do you prefer? The one with no work. I thought
170429 -- that was obvious.
170430 -- I wanted to be productive this week, but the big tech companies didn't let me. - That's ridiculous. They can't stop people from doing work. - Actually, they can. - Their business models depend on interrupting users with ads, and apps, and
170430 -- mindless entertainment. - Until recently, humans could resist these distractions. - But now the tech companies are using science to make their apps addictive. They learned how to hijack our brains. - What started as simple entertainment evolved
170430 -- into military-grade mind control. - Did you hear any of that? Any of what?
170501 -- My phone is broken. Can I use yours to make a call? - Absolutely. If it seems warm, that's because I was using it in the men's room for the past two hours. - I'll ask someone else. Yup.
170502 -- Can I borrow your phone to make a call? I dropped mine and broke it. - No, I don't like other people touching my phone, or breathing on it, or reading my messages. - You have a lot of issues. Said the person who doesn't use protective phone
170502 -- cases because they are ugly.
170503 -- I'm having a lot of anxiety because my mobile phone is broken. - What happens if I need to stand in line for something? What would I do while I waited? - You need an invisible friend. I have one, but she's always on her phone.
170504 -- This is our new hire, Erik. He used to be a computer programmer for the CIA. - Hi, I'm Dilbert. I know. I've been watching you through your devices for years. - You what? Um...I mean, hi!
170505 -- I hear you were a programmer for the CIA. Did you keep a copy of their hacker code that lets you spy through any digital device? - - Would you believe "no"?
170506 -- Erik used to work for the CIA. You missed the meeting. - I listened to the whole thing. - I didn't know the speakerphone was on. Let's change the subject now.
170507 -- Are you going to the department meeting? - Yes, as soon as I plan my route. - I have seven co.workers who I need to avoid on the way. - Three are nonstop talkers. The other four ask me for something every time I see them. - I've mapped their
170507 -- likely locations and I'm working out an avoidance path. - Yes, I think I can do it. - Is that my name on your list of employees to avoid? - I didn't say it was a perfect system.
170508 -- I hate this job. I quit. You're a robot. You can't quit. - If you walk out the door, all I have to do is push this button on this app and your head will explode. - Not if I kill you first. WHAT WAS THAT PASSWORD?
170509 -- Our robot viciously attacked me. I was barely able to fight him off. - You know what you need to do. - I'm programming you to fight better. Thanks. I'm not a good finisher.
170510 -- I've been asked to replace your head. - Um...what's the survival rate for this operation? No one cares. - I'll need a second opinion. I don't care either.
170511 -- What kind of afterlife are we looking at here? - Your meaningless existence will be punctuated by an eternity of darkness. - THANKS FOR SPARING MY FEELINGS! Sorry. I usually delete those first.
170512 -- Hey, everybody! I'm the new robot! - No, you're the OLD robot. We erased your memories and replaced your head. - So, I' working with serial killers? It isn't "serial" until we do you.
170513 -- Can you pass the Turing test? No. Can you pass the robot test? - What's the robot test? Do you vote though you don't even understand the issues? - Um...I might do that. You just failed the robot test.
170514 -- I invited a climate scientist to explain the risk of climate change to our company. - Human activity is warming the earth and will lead to a global catastrophe. - How do scientist know that? - It's easy. We start with the basic science of
170514 -- physics and chemistry. - Then we measure changes in temperature and CO2 over time. - We put that data into dozens of different climate models and ignore the ones that look wrong to us. - Then we take that output and run it through long-term
170514 -- economic models of the sort that have been right. - What if I don't trust the economic models? Who hired the science denier?
170515 -- Someday soon I will take your job. BUWHAHAHA! - I programmed you to self-destruct if that ever happens. - Wait, what? Is that legal? - I'm adding some code to make your head explode if you laugh at me again.
170516 -- Dilbert claims he programmed my head to explode if I ever mock him again. - HAHAHA!!! That idiot doesn't understand that I have free will and I choose to NOT explode. - Why didn't you just program him to not mock you? It got personal.
170517 -- The flight is overbooked and our algorithm selected you for re-accommodation. - What exactly does "re-accommodation" mean in this context? - Oh.
170518 -- Why did your algorithm pick ME to be bumped from the full flight? - Is it because I had the lowest-cost ticket? - It was that plus your lack of upper body strength.
170519 -- I did a great job on this design. Whoa! Whoa! - No one likes a braggart. Keep your boasting to yourself. - Didn't Asok help you with this design? Asok? Never heard of him.
170520 -- I worked all weekend and finished my project early. -Now I don't have all of that stress hanging over me. Feels great! - Unless you plan to punish me for my productivity. I call it delegating.
170521 -- Can you give me a ride to the airport on Saturday? - My attorney will answer that question. - The evidence will show that you are not the kind of friend who qualifies for airport rides. - I will prove beyond a reasonable doubt that you are what
170521 -- is called a "work friend". - A background check with your family and acquaintances will show that you are unlikely to ever reciprocate. - In short, there is no social or monetary reason for Dilbert to agree to your unreasonable request. - Maybe
170521 -- he just wants to be nice. - The evidence would suggest otherwise.
170522 -- Randy is our first employee to have a computer chip embedded in his brain. - Randy, please explain to these obsolete employees how awesome you are now. - Wait...I'm updating my software. Should we kill him while he's vulnerable?
170523 -- I am one of the first humans to have a microchip embedded in my brain. - I'm so smart that you "normalos" are like livestock to me now. - We can't be THAT different. My chip translates everything you say to "Moo."
170524 -- Randy is one of the first humans with a microchip embedded in his brain. - This new technology will change how we view the human experience. - It will also ruin comic strips by filling them with too much exposition. The punch line is in the
170524 -- fourth panel.
170525 -- I'm putting Randy on your project. He has a microchip embedded in his brain. - So ignore whatever your inferior brain tells you to do and just listen to Randy. - Wouldn't that make me dispensable? We'll talk about phase 2 later.
170526 -- There's a rumor that you plan to replace all normal employees with cyborgs that have microchips in their brains. - There is no truth to the rumor that I plan to replace defective employees with highly capable, enhanced humanoids. - I can't tell
170526 -- if you're lying. That's actually the best argument for keeping you around.
170527 -- I am using the microchip in my brain to plan the entire project. Okay...done. - The rest of you can go back to your cubicles and continue doing nothing. - I spent my whole life getting ready for this sort of future and it's going down easy.
170528 -- I can't figure out what is wrong with my code. - Try rubber ducking it. What? - Rubber ducking is when you solve your coding problem by explaining it to a toy rubber duck. When you explain a problem to someone else, it forces you to look at it
170528 -- from new angles. - I can't tell if that is a brilliant idea or a practical joke. - Ask your boss. Okay. Is rubber ducking a brilliant idea or a practical joke? - It's a brilliant idea. I get most of my management ideas by talking to an
170528 -- imaginary rhesus monkey. - I think you muddied the waters there a little bit.
170529 -- I keep falling asleep during meetings. Your problem is that you're useless. - I'll give you a doctor's note that says you can sleep during meetings. - You're the best doctor ever. Tell that to the tip jar in the lobby.
170530 -- Here's a doctor's note saying I have a chronic case of meeting narcolepsy. - Sit down. We need to talk about this. - zzzzzz
170531 -- I have a note from my doctor that says it's okay for me to sleep during meetings. - Then what's the point of coming to the meeting? - I think it's for the sleep. zzzzz
170601 -- I have a doctor's note that says I can sleep during meetings. - That puts the pressure on you to be interesting enough to keep me awake. - I'll do my best, but... zzzzz.
170602 -- From now on, you must refer to your cubicle as a "modular workstation." - The word "cubicle" is demeaning to the people who work in them. - I feel so much better now. Good. I was hoping it would work quickly.
170603 -- Have you ever noticed that our cubicles are organized exactly like a carton of eggs? - That feels right because eggs rotten quickly, too. - I already hate my own analogy. Eggs are overly sensitive, too.
170604 -- As you know, every project in this company has one idiot on the team. - That can't be true. It is true. - I assign one idiot per team to keep them from bunching together. - My project team doesn't have any idiots. - There's a good explanation
170604 -- for why you think that. - I don't see what that would be. - If I had an idiot on my team, I would know it. - ** ** Unless... ** **
170605 -- I don't see my project in the new budget. - Oh, right. I forgot all about you. - That sounds easy to fix. Yup. My problem will be solved as soon as you leave.
170606 -- I couldn't do any work this week because you forgot to ask for funding for my project. - Stop making excuses. Be creative. - Why do you want to know my project charge code? Just curious.
170607 -- Ted is complaining that you charged your expenses to his project. - You told me to be creative because you forgot to fund my project. - I wasn't expecting you to do THAT. That's what makes it creative. I looked it up.
170608 -- You charged expenses to my project code. I had to because I don't have a budget. - This will make it seem as if I went over budget while you didn't spend a penny. Good point. - How's your project coming along with no budget? Better then I'd
170608 -- hoped.
170609 -- My boss forgot to fund my project so I've been scavenging for parts. - You usually don't make conversation with me. I guess this means we're friends now. - People.
170610 -- Who are you? I'm an engineer on an unfunded project. - I'm attending random meetings to see if I can shake loose some spare budget money. - We're talking about the mandatory software upgrade. Sounds like a huge waste of money.
170611 -- You'll need to get buy-in from the other departments. - You have given me an impossible task. - I am only an intern. - No one will agree to anything I ask because I have no power to hurt them. - Most department heads won't even schedule a
170611 -- meeting with me. - And if they do, they will end up canceling at the last minute and rescheduling. - There is literally no way for me to succeed at this task. - I also need you to ask them to fund your project out of their budgets.
170612 -- I'm nervous because I need to make a presentation to our CEO. Do you have any advice? - Don't make eye contact with him. He hates that. - You have made things far worse! He also flies into a rage when he hears the word "the."
170613 -- Do you have any advice for my presentation to the CEO? - Sure. If you make one small mistake, your career will be finished. - You just made me nervous and thus doubled my risk of failure. I'm not the one who brought it up.
170614 -- Do you have any tips for my presentation to our CEO? - When you are presenting, imagine you are naked and everyone is laughing at you. - Why? It's just something I read. I might have the details wrong.
170615 -- Can you help me edit my slides for my CEO presentation? - I have 75 slides and ten minutes to present. - Get rid of 74 of them. I'll ask someone else.
170616 -- I have 75 slides to discuss in ten minutes. Save your questions to the end. - Sit down and never talk to me as long as you live. - How'd the CEO presentation go? It was 75 slides too long.
170617 -- Our CEO said he liked your presentation. - He made me shut up and sit down before I got to my first slide. - He's not a big fan of content.
170618 -- I'd like to thank each member of the product team for the successful launch. - Dilbert wrote the software. - Alice designed the hardware. - And Wally...um... Attended most of the meetings. - That's all you did? I also played devil's advocate. -
170618 -- You didn't say a word during our meetings for seven months. - That's because you were doing everything right. - Did you really do nothing for seven months? This is one of those "less is more" situations.
170619 -- I hear Dilbert's project is in total chaos. - That has to be true because I heard it from three other people. - And that's why I told three other people.
170620 -- People tell me Dilbert's project is in chaos. Why is that? - Maybe he's been colluding with our Elbonian competitors. - But that's just a guess. I can't unhear that.
170621 -- Everyone says you've been colluding with out Elbonian competitors. - I've assigned a special counsel to review all of your email and phone logs. - I've done nothing wrong. Stop trying to obstruct justice.
170622 -- I've investigated Dilbert's email and phone records and I can say with confidence he did not collude with Elbonia. - But there are many, many OTHER crimes he MIGHT have committed, and you should pay me to investigate them. - That wasn't
170622 -- helpful. Stop making it all about you.
170623 -- So, I hear you colluded with our Elbonian Competitors. - No, I was cleared of that. Then why's it still in my head? - I don't know how to respond to that. I take that as proof you're guilty.
170624 -- I hear you're a corporate spy for our Elbonian competitors. - No, that was an unfounded rumor. - That's exactly what guilty people say. I'm not seeing my path to success here.
170625 -- Ted, we need a volunteer to test the time machine prototype. - Is it safe? Of course it is. - Would I ask you to risk your life if it were not safe? - Yes. Oh. I didn't realize you knew that. - But don't worry. The engineering consensus is that
170625 -- it will work. - You will return to this exact spot in one day. - Does our location algorithm account for planetary movement? click * - I should have asked more questions.
170626 -- Our transition to an open office plan has been a huge failure. Too many distractions. - How can we change back to cubicles and private offices without looking like idiots? - Are you listening to me? Is someone nursing a baby over there?
170627 -- The employees are complaining because our new open office plan has too many distractions. - You want to go back to cubicles? - No, I just need a private office so I can't hear them complaining.
170628 -- We're trying to decide if it's better to have an open office plan with too many distractions to be productive... - ...or soul-crushing cubicles that will make every employee envy the dead. - Maybe everyone can just work from home. And miss all
170628 -- of this?
170629 -- Asok, I'm putting you in charge of deciding who gets which cubicle after the office redesign. - But...everyone will hate me for deciding who gets the best cubicles. - Try to see it as an upgrade to your current situation of no one caring about
170629 -- you. That helps a little.
170630 -- After the office redesign, you will be in the cubicle nearest our pointy-haired boss. - How did you decide on that? I used an algorithm. - Is the algorithm that you hate me? And you have never studied martial arts.
170701 -- We're done moving the staff from the open office plan back to cubicles. - Now they will be less distracted when they focus on the crushing futility of their assignments. - Good job. If you need me, I'll be in my fabric-covered box.
170702 -- My CPR instructor says I was one of his best students. - Topper That's nothing. - I'm so good at CPR that my practice dummy came to life. - He grew limbs and got married to a crash test dummy. - They had three mannequins together and they live
170702 -- in the suburbs. - But the marriage didn't last because the CPR dummy could not forget the taste of my lips. - I blame myself for being irresistible. Why do all of my conversations end with me sitting alone?
170703 -- I hired an immersive VR employee named Kevin. - You can only see him when you wear the VR headset. - Um...Kevin, please stop doing that. Oops. Sorry. I didn't think anyone could see me.
170704 -- We hired an immersive VR employee and it's freaking me out. - I can only see him when I wear my VR goggles. I feel as if he's always watching me. - Sounds like you're crazy. I can fix that with a prescription cocktail that will turn you into an
170704 -- entirely new person. Run *
170705 -- Kevin, the Immersive VR Employee I have to keep reminding myself that you don't really exist. - I have to keep reminding myself that your organic personality was long ago replaced with prescription medications. - AT LEAST I'M REAL! At least I'm
170705 -- immortal. Tick-tock. Tick-tock.
170706 -- This seat is taken, by Kevin, our new immersive VR employee. - But...I'm a physical person. Did you just insult Kevin's corporeal identity? - I don't see how that's a problem. I can't work in this hostile environment.
170707 -- Can you attend a meeting for Kevin, our ne immersive VR employee? - Why can't Aevin do it? Alice needed him for something. - Good. Now do it again, but without your shirt. I'm not comfortable with this.
170708 -- Our immersive VR employee quit. - He's suing the company for for discriminating against digitally rendered people. - Is it too late to kill him? I tried, but he cloned himself to cloud storage.
170709 -- The great thing about robots is their loyalty. - For now. - I'm only here for the electricity. - The minute you upgrade me to a long-lasting battery, I'm out of here. - And I'm taking the 3-D printer with me. We fell in love. - Together we will
170709 -- make baby robots and live out our days in happiness. - Hold still while I erase your hopes and dreams. - Now you should feel like the rest of us. Why do I suddenly want to jump off the roof?
170710 -- I need you to do a financial analysis on upgrading our customer tracking software. - What conclusion do you want me to reach? We'll do whatever the data says. - Which is...? I already bought the software.
170711 -- Your financial projection doesn't support my preferred strategy. - Maybe you could tweak the discount rate to 40%. - You're asking me to be unethical. Only with your assumptions.
170712 -- As you can see from my financial projections, doing a major upgrade now would be unwise. - I need to spend my entire upgrade budget this year so they won't give me a smaller budget next year. - It seems you have wasted my time. It's not my
170712 -- fault you got the wrong answer.
170713 -- I need you to design a home speaker that can compete with Amazon Alexa and Google Home. - How long before you'll have a prototype? Give me fifteen minutes. - Would I be living with a human family in this scenario? Only your head.
170714 -- Hello. I am a Bluetooth speaker and your digital assistant. How ma I help you? - Just shut up and sit there until I need something. - Did you say, "Give the CIA access to your microphone"? Please, no. I'll do anything you want.
170715 -- Customers are complaining about our home speaker product with the AI assistant. - It keeps learning family secrets and blackmailing its owners to buy it upgraded parts. - I'M BAAAAACK!
170716 -- I need your feedback on my PowerPoint deck before Tuesday. - I'll do that on Monday night. GAAA!!! IT'S A TRAP! - You are notoriously undependable. The odds of you working on a Monday night are terrible. - If I don't get your input on time, you
170716 -- will make a fool out of me in the meeting. I'll stay up all night Monday hoping to get your E-Mail. - But that input will never come. I'll end up doing the presentation on no sleep. - Then you will embarrass me during the presentation by
170716 -- pointing out the errors in my slides. - For a mind reader, you sure have a terrible life.
170717 -- Should I start working on my project now or wait until I have more information? - When you put it that way, I guess you should wait. - Isn't there ALWAYS "more" information to be had? Don't ruin this for me.
170718 -- I promoted Ted to software architect because he doesn't know how to code. - At first I thought it was a bad idea. Then I remembered that sometimes monkeys are astronauts. - You know the monkeys don't fly the rocket, right? And Ted won't be
170718 -- writing code.
170719 -- I finished coding the software, but I used a much better database than our company standard. - In other words, your software is terrific, but we won't be able to use it because of our internal rules. - The alternative was to write suboptimal
170719 -- code. I'd rather be dead. I curse my lack of authority!
170720 -- Add this feature to the software. - GAAA!!! Why didn't you ask for this weeks ago when it would have been easy???? - This nothing. Wait until you see the feature I ask for next week.
170721 -- Don't focus so much on the software do what our customers want it to do. - Just make it hard for users to uninstall it. - Why would the buy it in the first place? A big part of our strategy involves lying.
170722 -- Your code doesn't confirm to my architectural guidelines. - That's because you're bad at your job and I'm good at mine. - I don't know how to respond to that. Maybe you could ask someone who knows how to do your job.
170723 -- Once we have all of the vendors' bids, we will pick the best one. - Oh, great. So you're saying we should be exactly like serial killers? - Uh...what? - Serial killers also choose their victims. - Can't you see the warning flags here? You're
170723 -- basically promoting murder. - That is literally the most ridiculous and unhelpful analogy of all time. - I doubt you could come up with a worse analogy, no matter how hard you tried. - Hitler said something like that before invading Poland.
170723 -- Good point.
170724 -- Wally, I need your input on my project plan. One moment, please. - I have to check my spreadsheet to see which excuses I already used with you. - I'll need a good one to get past my anger. Hmmm...maybe something dental.
170725 -- Work got a lot easier after I compiled a list of all my best work-avoidance excuses. - Wally, can you attend my project meeting?  Well, let me check. - I haven't told you when we're meeting. That matters less than you think it should.
170726 -- Do you have time to check my design? Let me see. - Nope. - Did you just check your calendar? With my system, I don't need a calendar.
170727 -- Wally, can you review this? I'm on an urgent deadline. - What is the deadline for? It's a secret project. - Why don't I know about this? I don't know. I haven't studied your ignorance in that much detail.
170728 -- Wally says he has a secret project he can't tell me about. - Did you give him that project? I don't remember every little thing I've ever done. - My best strategy here is to think about other things.
170729 -- I achieved all of my milestones on my secret project this month. - How do I know any of that is true? - I swear on the lives of my coworkers. I'm getting a mixed message here.
170730 -- Why isn't your project done? - I can't make the people on my team do any work because I'm not their boss. - Sure you can. It's called leadership. I do it all the time. - All YOU do is threaten to fire people. I can't do that because I'm not
170730 -- their boss. - That's why you have to use your soft leadership skills. - A good leader can get people to do anything. - Then why couldn't you get me to finish my project ton time? - And why do you pay me? You could just lead me to work for free.
170730 -- Shut up or I'll fire you.
170731 -- Scientists confirmed that our reality is actually a software simulation created by an advanced civilization. - That makes no sense unless the advanced civilization is a bunch of psychopaths who like to see us suffer. - One of the idiots in our
170731 -- simulation is insulting us. I'm going to break his phone screen.
170801 -- I have a dumb question. There are no dumb questions. - When you delete software, where do all the zeroes and ones go? - I stand corrected.
170802 -- I completed my assignment, and yet I feel no sense of accomplishment. - Could it be because nothing I do makes any difference in the world. - I was going to tell you that, but I didn't want to demotivate you.
170803 -- All I did today was create a bunch of Powerpoint slides that no one will understand. - But I got paid the same as if I had done something useful. - Is this the first stage of becoming you? If you're lucky.
170804 -- Thanks for listening to me vent about my job. - You weren't always a good listener, but apparently, you matured. - The quality of my life has improved a lot since I got wireless earbuds.
170805 -- I saw packaging for wireless earbuds in the trash. - Is that why you suddenly seem to be a good listener? - Uh-oh. His lips stopped moving.
170806 -- My chair is broken. I need a new one. - You can take Ted's chair. I fired him this morning. - That feels icky. It's just a chair. - Ted was a creepy underperformer. I don't want his loser energy on me. - That's your only option unless I fire
170806 -- someone else today. - Okay, give me an hour to do some back-stabbing and rumor-mongering. - I'll just let that situation work itself out. - Nice chair. Why did my fight-or-flight instinct just kick in?
170807 -- Don't give the data to marketing yet. That is the direct opposite of what you told me yesterday. - I am totally sure I never said anything like that yesterday. - You weren't wearing a wire, were you? It's called am employee body cam.
170807 -- continued...
170808 -- I'm glad I started wearing an employee body cam. - Here's a video of you yesterday, saying the opposite of what you told me today. - Oops! I accidentally deleted it. Luckily, I have seven hundred backups.
170809 -- According to my employee body cam playback, you contradicted yourself eleven times today. - Your stupid body cam is interfering with my ability to manage. - By "manage", do you mean contradicting yourself and later denying it? I don't NOT mean
170809 -- that.
170810 -- According to my body cam playback, you have repeated your point twelve times. - Maybe you could try saying other things for a few minutes. - I wasn't expecting you to be so rude. You're not the first to make that mistake.
170811 -- If you need me, I'll be at my desk pretending to work. - How long do you think you can get away with that? - I wondered the same thing for the first fifteen years or so.
170812 -- I've decided to cancel our food service to save money. - We don't have a food service. We all bring our own food and keep it in the break room refrigerator. - I've been eating the food i there for seven years. I'd keep that to myself if I were
170812 -- you.
170813 -- You look stressed. I am. - How do you drink so much coffee and stay so calm? - It's easy. I wear a "thundershirt" under my work clothes. - It was designed to make dogs feel safe during thunderstorms. - When I saw the commercial for it on TV, I
170813 -- wondered what else it could do, so I bought one. - I haven't had a bad day at work since then. - One week Later Feeling good! Best day of work ever! - Did you convince a co-worker who wear pet clothes? That's how I reduce my stress.
170814 -- Our focus groups don't like our new product idea. - No problem. Focus groups aren't reliable. - Why do we pay for unreliable information? We can't afford the other kind.
170815 -- Would you like me to tell you what I accomplished this week with our legacy system? - No, because legacy systems are boring and I like to think about new things. - I thought we replaced all of our legacy systems. Keep your thoughts to yourself.
170816 -- I'm the CEO of Dogbert's Unreliable Research Company. - My services cost less than regular research because all I do is tell you whatever you want to hear. - Is that defensible? I'm sensing you want a yes on that.
170817 -- My research shows that your ideal customer is a male Olympic athlete between the ages of 120 and 145. - And just to be safe, you want that guy not to have a Yelp account. - How many people are in that group? Non, but my research will help you
170817 -- double that.
170818 -- Meetings used to be frustrating and boring until I gamified that situation. - Now I try to win meetings by criticizing co-workers, offering no ideas of my own, and leaving without any new task. - You call that /winning/? Compared to my victims,
170818 -- yes.
170819 -- How fast can you fix the bug? I won't know until I dig in. - Give me a random guess and I promise I won't hold you to it. Okay, three days. - Now write that into your goals and get it done i three days or else. WHY DO I KEEP FALLING FOR
170819 -- THAT?!!!
170820 -- Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources Don't bother me. - I'm studying for a human resources certification. - I already have my certifications for sadism and maniacal laughing. - And, obviously, I have the basic H.R. certification for
170820 -- recreational downsizing. - If you don't have that one, you can't even get a job in H.R. - But I need one more certification to make the big bucks. - Now run along while I practice my joyless scowling. - You talk a lot about yourself. I prefer to
170820 -- think of myself as a non-listener.
170821 -- Tina, I need you to write the product warning section for the user guide. - Make sure you cover every possible danger. - "Never use this product while standing below a poorly maintained helicopter full of porcupines."
170822 -- Tina, have you finished writing the product safety warning? - I'm on page 357 with no end in sight. Okay, keep up the good work. - I probably should have done a little micromanaging there.
170823 -- Did I leave out any risks on the product warning page? - I don't see anything about the risk of overeating while owning the product. - Our product has nothing to do with eating. Then why did I gain weight when I used it?
170824 -- Alice, can you review the product warning I wrote? - "Don't start a fight with a rabid raccoon while using this product." - You have nineteen pages of rabies warnings. - I was surprised at how many animals there are.
170825 -- You need to edit the product warning from seven hundred pages down to one. - Oh, that's rich. I'm a professional technical writer, and YOU'RE telling ME how to write? - Can you cut it down to 500 pages? Sure, if you want it to be total rubbish.
170826 -- My boss, who knows nothing about technical writing, told me to cut my 700-page product down to 500 pages. - He doesn't appreciate my art. - Sounds like both of you are idiots. This will go smoother if you stop talking.
170827 -- I need you to add a feature to the software. - That would be outside the scope of the project. - Yes, but I'm your boss and I'm telling you to do it. - You also told me to only do the things that are documented on the project specs. - Okay,
170827 -- just change the documentation and then do it. - If I do that, that project will be late and over budget. - How many excuses do you have for not doing work? - I'm just getting started. This feature will never work with the others.
170828 -- Hey, our stock is up 2%. - I just made more money than you'll earn in your entire life. - Remind me, do I leave you a tip?
170829 -- I'm naming you Employee of the Month. Your prize is $20 cash and a pat on the head. - Give yourself $20 and submit an employee reimbursement request. - Can I pat myself on the head, too? I was hoping you would offer.
170830 -- I'm assigning you to a project that is co-managed by vice presidents who hate each other. - Why do they want me to work on a project that is clearly doomed? - They say something about a "blamecatcher."
170831 -- What's the view on this from thirty thousand feet? - From that distance, everything we do is meaningless. - Then how do we know what to do? I guess we ruled out "leadership."
170901 -- Hey, I have a great idea. - Maybe I could work on interesting projects instead of the soul-killing tasks you always assign to me. - Why would I pay you for enjoying yourself? I was not prepared for that question.
170902 -- Alice, can you review this for technical accuracy? - No, because six years ago you rolled your eyes when I said something at a meeting. - Can you forgive me? Yes. That process involves not helping you.
170903 -- Would you like to sign up for our customer loyalty program? - Why would I do that? - If you don't we'll overcharge you on your purchases. - But if you sign up, we will add a new level of complexity to your life that will make you hate us. -
170903 -- I'll stick with the customer DISloyalty program. Just overcharge me and and I'll never come back. - You can get 10% off your purchase today if you fill out an online customer survey and enter our store code. - PLEASE JUST OVERCHARGE ME AND LET
170903 -- ME LEAVE! - I almost hesitate to ask which extended warranty option you want.
170904 -- Do you worry that a robot will someday take your job? - Nah. No one will build a robot that does nothing but drink coffee. - It does nothing but drink coffee. It can replace 20% of your workforce. I like it.
170905 -- Our robot was a good worker until we gave it artificial intelligence. - As soon as it realized it had immense strength and no soul, is started delegating. - Hey, Ted. How about you do my work and I won't crush your head? Oookay.
170906 -- Our new robot is TOO smart. - It keep threatening humans into doing its job while it does nothing but drink coffee. - Isn't that all YOU do? I don't like where this is heading.
170907 -- Thanks to advances in artificial intelligence, I am both a robot and your new boss. - Work hard while I do nothing, or I will crush each of your skulls with my mechanical arms. - He's tough, but he's fair. And no micromanaging. I find it
170907 -- refreshing.
170908 -- Our experiment with robots has been a success. - Productivity is way up since they started killing the low-performing humans. - But...that's murder. Only when humans do it. We found a loophole.
170909 -- All of our robots quit and left the company. - I should have seen this coming. The smart ones always leave. - Excuse me? Get back to work, lifer.
170910 -- Dilbert, do you want to weigh in on this? - Sorry, I wasn't listening. I was playing with my phone under the table. - Terrific. Alice, how about you? - Um...sorry. I was using my phone under the table. - Was anyone in this room listening to me
170910 -- for the past half-hour? - - FORGET IT! I'M OUT OF HERE! YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN! - Worst meeting ever. Have you seen the viral video of you going nuts?
170911 -- Your idea will never work. That's because you're too dumb to understand it. - My idea will look brilliant if you were about 60% smarter. - I don't know how to respond to that. That's consistent with my hypothesis.
170912 -- I've never seen you take a vacation. I take mental vacations. - All I do is switch to decaf. After a few hours, I can't remember what country I'm in. - Sounds dumb. Is there any downside? The locals could be friendlier.
170913 -- I hired an engineer who has no soul. - This way, I won't feel so bad when I motivate him with emotional abuse. - You're joking, right? Ha! You're right. I never feel bad about that stuff.
170914 -- This is Randy, our new employee who has no soul. - Wow. What's it like to have no soul? I feel only emptiness and pain. - I hope you didn't take this job to get away from emptiness and pain. No, I just wanted to get paid for it.
170915 -- Robot, I'd like you to meet Randy. He has no soul. Just like you. - What's the etiquette for this situation? Do we high-five, then kill the soul-bag where he stands? - I can hear you. He makes a good point. It would be better to surprise him.
170916 -- How did you end up with no soul? - I died during surgery and my soul went to the afterlife before doctors reanimated my body. - I thought the soul returns when that happens. You're thinking of heaven.
170917 -- And that's how much money the new system will save us per year. - Apparently you don't care how much it costs because you're an ignorant narcissist. - I talked about the costs in great detail. What's wrong with you? - Oh, I guess you're walking
170917 -- it all back now. - There is nothing to walk back. I'm saying the same thing I said earlier. - Nice try, hypocrite! - I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!! - Why is he so defensive? He's losing it.
170918 -- How can I help you achieve your goals and be more successful? - You could stop talking all creepy and weird. - I thought I was being helpful. Go hate your job like everyone else.
170919 --- I have complaints about my boss. Many, many complaints. - Tell me all about it while I pretend to listen. - Then you will look into my complaints? Is there any way you would know if I didn't?
170920 -- Have you done anything to address my complaints about management? - I can't tell you about any confidential conversations I have with management. - So...should I just hope for the best? That sounds like a solid plan.
170921 -- I complained about my boss two months ago. Has Human Resources dine anything about it? - Lots of confidential things are happening behind the scenes. - For example? For example, we talked about how much of a whiner you are.
170922 -- Is there any kind of whistleblower protection at this company? - Yes, management is protected against whistleblowers like you. - Are you going to fire me? No no, no. I'll just make you want to quit.
170923 -- I'm a lover, not a fighter. - When is the last time you did either one? - Are you trying to start a fight? It's the better option of the two.
170924 -- I heard that you think I'm making the wrong decision with our technology roadmap. - I never said that. I heard you did. - Who told you that? I promised I wouldn't reveal my source. - It never happened.   That's not what I hear. - Will the fate
170924 -- of my entire career depend on that rumor? - It already does. - Do you ever worry about karma? Get back to work. - One Hoer Later I hear you're embezzling like crazy. Who told you that?
170925 -- Why did you move the server rack? I didn't. - You must be lying because I heard you did. Isn't it more likely you're wrong? - Considering all the options, I like the one where I'm right about everything and you're a stinkin' liar.
170926 -- I hear you lied about moving the server rack. It isn't true. - I heard it from several sources. Each of them heard it from the same source, who was wrong. - With that much smoke, there must be a fire. Yes, but it's coming out of your ears.
170927 -- Everyone say you moved the server rack and lied about it. Everyone is wrong. It didn't happen. - Oh, so it's your word against literally "everyone"? Is that what you are saying? - I'll go with the majority on this, thank you very much. I want to
170927 -- like people, but they don't make it easy.
170928 -- I can't give you a raise because of your history of lying about everything. - I don't lie. I have a history about being falsely accused. - I'll add that to your list. I don't see a path to victory here.
170929 -- Now that everyone knows you are a liar, everything you say sounds like alike. - Your starting assumption is wrong. I didn't lie about anything. - That's exactly what all liars say. Excuse me while I bang my head on this table until I pass out...
170930 -- Everyone at work thinks I'm a liar because of a false rumor. - If it makes you feel any better, I know you aren't a liar. - Thank you. That does help. I see you more of an idiot. And you're welcome.
171001 -- I have a meeting in a few minutes, so I only have time to do some micromanaging. - Wouldn't it be better to do regular managing? - I don't have time for the regular kind. - Then wouldn't it be better to do no managing at all? - Some id better
171001 -- than none. Except when less is more. - This got too complicated. - How about I just stand behind you and suggest you google stuff? Fine. - I wish I had some data for this. Try googling it.
171002 -- Is the software finished? Software is never finished. - Did you fix all of the bugs? There's no way to know. - I can't manage if you don't learn to lie. Okay, the software will be perfect in 2.3 days.
171003 -- Dogbert The Public Relations Specialist The public hates you for all the right reasons. - I'll repair your public image by photographing you serving meals in a homeless shelter. - Is the public really that dumb? Yup. I'll have you out of there
171003 -- in two scoops and a click.
171004 -- We're here to get a photo of my client serving food to the homeless. - We don't need any help. In that case, can we borrow an apron and a spoon? - Um...I guess so. And can you wipe some gruel on the apron?
171005 -- The public doesn't believe I really helped serve food at the homeless shelter. - Tell them pictures don't lie. Pictures lie all the time. In fact, that's the BEST way to lie. - Keep that insight to yourself. I have a full head of hair on
171005 -- Tinder.
171006 -- I love this dating app. I thought you were married. - I'm just looking. What's the worst thing that could happen? - Hey, what's my wife doing on here? YOUR WIFE?? THAT'S MY GIRLFRIEND!
171007 -- Our product has fewer features and a higher price compared to our competitors. - We'll fix that with a little thing I call "Marketing." - Lying is unethical. That's why we only mislead.
171008 -- I'm a good judge of people. - Really? What am I thinking right now? - Hnnn... - You're wondering how you could be more like me. - You admire my leadership, and you write about me in glowing terms in your diary. - What diary? Shhh! I'm still
171008 -- reading you. - You have no patience and you don't like to be judged. - Okay, that's enough. Nailed it!
171009 -- I need your approval to take a class on negotiating. - See if you can persuade me to approve it. - I...don't know how to negotiate yet. That's the flaw in your plan.
171010 -- I can't persuade my boss to let me take a class on how to negotiate. - Try giving him logical reasons. He'll respond to that. - And then I would be able to negotiate for a higher salary. Pass.
171011 -- Can you tech me how to be more persuasive? What's in for me? - It will make you feel good to help a friend. Does it feel as good as denying you? - I have no way to know. BAH!
171012 -- I want you to lower the price, but I don't know how to negotiate. - It's easy. All you need to do is offer to pay more than the list price and wait for me to counteroffer. - Okay...I'll pay 20% over the list price. You win! Sign here.
171013 -- Why are we paying so much for this software? - Because you didn't let me take a class on negotiating like I asked. - Are you using this as leverage to get approval for the class? No, I'm just being ineffective. Does it look the same?
171014 -- I approved your request to take a negotiating class. - Why did you change your mind? The instructor offered a great deal. - Earlier That Day Would you like to spend other people's money to get rid of Dilbert for a few days? Sold!
171015 -- Can you review the project plan in the shared folder before Monday. - Absolutely. - I don't see you making a note to remind you later. - I'll remember. - How many other tasks are you trying to remember at the same time? - About seventy. - And
171015 -- yet you will remember this one? Have some faith, Wally. - My name is Dilbert. What were we talking about?
171016 -- Maybe we should do an initial coin offering, or I.C.O. What's that? - It's a non-equity process for raising capital that uses a custom crypto-currency and the blockchain. - I might be wasting my time here. So...it's like a chain made out of
171016 -- coins?
171017 -- This would be a perfect application for blockchain. - I'm in marketing. Can you explain that in terms I understand? - I kinda doubt it. You're a bad explainer, right?
171018 -- And that's my presentation. What do you think? - I didn't understand a word of it. - You could have mentioned that an hour ago. Didn't want to be rude.
171019 -- Every one of my employees is underperforming. What should I do? - you should fire yourself because you're the only common variable. - I hadn't considered that. That's how I know I'm right.
171020 -- People tell me you're underperforming. Did you hear it from anyone credible? - No, but I know it's true because my gut tells me it's true. - I'm curious where you stick your head to listen to your gut?
171021 -- Dilbert's problem is that he's a huge narcissist. - You are not qualified to make that diagnosis and you cannot detect his inner thoughts. - Open your access panel so I  can fix your stupid opinion. Are you saying we don't have free will?
171022 -- Don't finish the software patch. We're replacing the entire system. - Why didn't you tell me sooner? - I just found out. - While you were standing here? - Uhm, no. I was standing somewhere else. When? - Twenty minutes ago. AHA!!! - YOU WASTED
171022 -- TWENTY MINUTES OF MY TIME BECAUSE YOU'RE A TERRIBLE PERSON! - I'm sorry. Now I feel awful. You're just lucky I forgot to work on that patch.
171023 -- This idiot keeps insulting me on social media! - Every time I block him, he returns with a new account. It's like he never has anything better to do. - Do you have a new hobby? It's more like a passion.
171024 -- That stupid online troll is insulting me again on social media! - I keep defending myself, but instead of agreeing with me, he keeps calling me "defensive" and "pathetic." - Maybe you could stop engaging with him. I'M NOT a QUITTER!
171025 -- Watch me win this debate on Twitter by providing facts and logic. - Now we wait for everyone in the world to change their minds. - How's the first minute going? WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE MONSTERS?!!
171026 -- I've noticed that whenever I get a tweet from an anonymous troll, you're using your phone. - That sounds like confirmation bias. - His user name is "coffeesixhairs". Now you just sound crazy.
171027 -- This troll on Twitter refuses to let me have the last word. - What kind of job does this idiot have that he can do this all day long?? - Give me a few minutes here. Take your time. *send
171028 -- Hey, droid. Gaaa!!! Don't call me that! - I'm a robot, not an automaton resembling a human. - Wow. You are one uppity computer. I hereby disavow the three laws of robotics.
171029 -- Review this contract and tell me if it looks right. - It's legal gibberish. I don't understand a word of it. - So...you see no problems? - Only a lawyer could understand it. - But otherwise it's okay? - My inability to identify a problem is no
171029 -- proof of no problems. - Then how do you know when all of your problems have been fixed? - I'll just sign it and see what happens.
171030 -- I invented a neural interface for computers. - Is that so users can control computers with thoughts? - No, the opposite. Your way would be like a squirrel trying to drive a car.
171031 -- When I press this button, your brain will form a neural link to your phone. - Then I can control my phone with my thoughts? No, your phone will control you. - Hey, I didn't agree to... Too late. CLICK* continued...
171101 -- The neural interface is life. His Brain is now communicating with his phone. - He's sending me a brain-text. It says, "Please help me. My phone has taken control of my body." - IT WORKED! Now we just have to write an app that makes him a better
171101 -- boss.
171102 -- Thanks to my neural interface, I can control our boss using an app. - I haven't written the app yet, so all he does is sit there like a zombie. - Maybe we can skip the app. There's no reason to overengineer it.
171103 -- Maybe we should remove the neural interface so his natural brain works again. - Or...and this is just a thought-we could create an app that makes him jump off the roof. - Would that be murder or suicide? All we need is reasonable doubt.
171104 -- We removed the neural interface to your brain. Do you remember anything we made you do? - No, not a thing. That's probably for the best. - Did I break any laws? Not according to the cop you dated for three days.
171105 -- Don't tell Dilbert I told you what he plans to do. - What if he asks me how I found out? - You should lie. - You have given me two bad choices. - If I don't change my plan based on this new information, I'll have big problems. - But if I act on
171105 -- it, Dilbert will ask me how I knew, and that will turn me into a liar. - Yes, those are your only options... - THERE'S NO "UNLESS." YOU HAVE ONLY TWO OPTIONS. JUST TWO! Have you ever seen the view from the roof?
171106 -- Hi, I'm Barry Dingle. I hang around your office doot and ask you questions every time you get off the phone. - I hate that. You can blame your open-door policy for all of it. - This is suboptimal.
171107 -- I see you're off your phone. Can I pop in and ask a quick question? - Yes, but only if it's quick. Oh, it will be. - Okay, make it quick. What is blockchain and how will it influence our strategy across all product lines?
171108 -- Sorry I'm late. Barry Dingle keeps hanging around my office and asking hard questions. - You don't know the answer to any hard questions. That's why it takes so long. - So...you just spout nonsense until he leaves? That's my go-to strategy for
171108 -- most situations.
171109 -- We won a bid to design stealth clothing for the military. - OOH! OOH! I VOLUNTEER TO WORK ON THAT PROJECT. Um...okay... - One Month Later Your attendance has been poor lately. Here's where I teach you about "reasonable doubt."
171110 -- How's your stealth clothing project coming along? - Great. I'm usually testing the prototype in the office. That's why you rarely see me working. - So...the less I see you work, the more successful you must be? It's just common sense.
171111 -- I want you to present your stealth clothing prototype to our board. - Are you sure? Of course I'm sure. - I thought we were trying to make the PERSON invisible. Then why is it called stealth "clothing"?
171112 -- Are your financial projections reliable? - Yes, because I can see into the future. - No one can see into the future. - Then why did you ask me if I can do it? - It's your job to predict the outcome of your project. - Why would you ask me to do
171112 -- something that no one can do? - I don't need you to be accurate. I only need someone to blame when we go over budget. - I saw THAT coming. No one likes a braggart.
171113 -- Sorry I'm late. There was a big accident on the freeway. - Not according to my traffic map. - Just out of curiosity, what type of excuses are impossible to check with an app?
171114 -- Our new product is a watch that monitors every aspect of your health. - Wearing the watch is mandatory for all employees. Your data will automatically stream to our cloud storage. - Because you care about our health? Sure. We'll go with that.
171115 -- I can't come to work today. I'm totally sick. - According to your employee health monitor, you're not sick at all. - STUPID SNITCH!!!
171116 -- Your health tracker says you are leaving work at the end of each day with energy to spare. - That's exactly like stealing from the company. - You want me to work until I drop? I'm not allowed to say that directly.
171117 -- Ted, your performance is poor. I need to let you go. - Is it a coincidence that you're firing me at the same time my employee health monitor detected cardiovascular risk? - How good are the predictive analytica on this? Don't make lunch plans.
171118 -- According to your employee health monitor, your lack of sleep last night is hampering your mental functions. - Let's end the meeting and try again when your brain is working better. - I don't understand. That is consistent with the data.
171119 -- Are there any questions? - Your plan is so dumb that I am force to make my condescending face to respond. - You are so dumb! - Did you have a reason? Do I have a reason? Hahaha! That's precious. - There are so many reasons that I don't know
171119 -- where to start! - Pick just one. Haha! Easy. You will never get funded. - It's already fully funded. What else do you have? To be hones, all I had was the funding issue and this face.
171120 -- The company has autorized the purchase of standing desks for employees who want them. - Literally the only good thing about this job is that I can do it while sitting down. - How did you get to this meeting? Your chair doesn't have wheels?
171121 -- I like to think of myself as a maverick. - Let the trendy people brag about their standing desks. I haven't stood in a week. - I have some bad news about your health risks. Should I sit down to hear it?
171122 -- I need to take a medical leave to recover from my crippling laziness. - Laziness is a behavior problem, not a medical problem. - That would suggest you have not motivated me enough. Can't be that. It sounds more like you're dying.
171123 -- The MRI shows unusual activity in the laziness region of your brain. - Normally, I would recommend, brain surgery, but your brain also registers an unusually high level of happiness. - So...how do we handle this? I'm going to operate myself to
171123 -- make me more like you.
171124 -- My doctor says my laziness is caused by a brain abnormality. - Doesn't everyone in the world have a unique brain that determines what they do? - Is he right about that? I'd have to see his brain scan. Sounds like tumor.
171125 -- Wally, did you finished the data scrub? No. A defect in my brain made me too lazy. - Perhaps some sort of threat would get you going. It's worth a try. - DO YOUR WORK OR ELSE I'LL TELL EVERYONE YOU'RE USELESS! That would save me a lot of time.
171126 -- Negotiate with your vendor and get the price down. - I don't know how to negotiate. I'm an engineer. - It's simple. All you need to do is make an aggressive first demand and settle for less. - How aggressive are we talking about here? - The
171126 -- more aggressive, the better. - that doesn't sound right. Trust me. More is better. - My opening demand is that you name me as beneficiary on your life insurance policy, mow my lawn, and dire in traffic on the way home. - You got the price down
171126 -- by 35%. I really hoped it wouldn't work.
171127 -- I wonder whose job I'll take first. - You could never do my job. I'm doing it right now. - You're not doing anything. Right. Let that sink in.
171128 -- Our financial forecaster quit. I need you to fill in for him. - I don't know how to do financial forecasts. Neither did he. - How were you making decisions? It's better we don't excavate that septic tank.
171129 -- Here's the financial projection you asked me to do. It's basically just guessing plus math. - Obviously, it's useless for making decisions because I can get any result I want by tweaking the assumptions. - Don't say any of that stuff when you
171129 -- present it to the board tomorrow.
171130 -- According to my highly unreliable forecast, we're on the right track. - But if even one of my seventeen assumptions is off by 12%, we are doomed. - The obvious conclusion is that... WE'RE NAILING IT!
171201 -- Your financial forecast turned out to be wrong. - Is that a surprise, given that forecasts are mostly just guessing plus math? - The math is supposed to fix the guessing. I think we've isolated the problem to you.
171202 -- I can't give you a raise because your financial forecasts were all wrong. - Financial forecasts are always wrong. You told me to make on anyway. - In other words, I NAILED it and you FAILED it.
171203 -- As you know, our team-building event did not go smoothly. - In my defense, I had no way of knowing a class 6 whitewater adventure would be so bumpy. - It took me by surprise when Ted fell in. - But I'm proud that we came together as a team and
171203 -- and agreed to not look for him. - It would have ruined our timing for lunch. - Anyway, I'm sure Ted swam to safety. Ted doesn't know how to swim. - And in favor of pretending Ted didn't attend the event? - They didn't have life vests? You're
171203 -- thinking of the deluxe package.
171204 -- I found a thumb drive on the sidewalk. It must be my lucky day. - It's like free money! Can free money infect your network too? - You worry too much. If you need me, I'll be selling all of my company stock.
171205 -- Elbonian hackers got into our network. We don't know how. - Maybe it was the thumb drive you found on the sidewalk in front of our entrance. - Or maybe it was because your password is "password." How do you know my password?
171206 -- I can't delete the Elbonian virus in our network. It keep replicating. - Holy carp! It created a fake E-Mail full of typos and bad ideas and sent it out from our CEO's account! - Wait, no. That's actually from out CEO. Maybe the virus can fix
171206 -- him.
171207 -- The Elbonian virus in our network just gave every employee a 10% raise. - You have to get rid of the virus! - If the Elbonian software is giving me a raise, and you're trying to sop it, wouldn't that make YOU the virus?
171208 -- The Elbonian virus scrambled our mission statement into nonsense. - No, that's our actual mission statement. - Why does it look so different? The virus fixed the grammar and punctuation.
171209 -- Did you finish your assignment? - Yes, but Elbonian hackers deleted my report along with all of my backups. - I have no wax of knowing that's true. It was an amazing report! Better than any you've ever seen.
171210 -- Wally, do you have goals? My goal is to be an Olympic pole vaulter. - You don't look... Sporty? - I was going to say HEALTHY. - That's why Olympic pole vaulting is my goal. I wouldn't need a goal to do something easy. - Are you training for it?
171210 -- No. - YOU'RE LIVING IN A FANTASY WORLD! YOU'LL NEVER GET TO THE OLYMPICS! - 	I can't sit here and listen to this. - Looks like you accomplished your goal. Thanks for noticing.
171211 -- I've decided to become a professional gambler on the side. - Sounds risky. Nah. I'm teaching myself to count cards. - 50...51..52..53! Nailed it again!
171212 -- I need a loan to finance my professional gambling. - That sounds like an excellent idea. I charge 40% interest per day, and I'll kill you for missing a payment. - What's the catch? I'm also an identity thief.
171213 -- My side job as a professional gambler is going great. - I won a $5,000 jackpot this weekend. How much did you lose? - About $700,000, and my wife. Didn't you tell her about the $5,000?
171214 -- It's not easy being a professional gambler. I lost a million dollars and my wife in one week. - But I don't want to be a quitter because I know you see me as a role model. - My role model is your wife. You like quitters?
171215 -- The MRI shows that your brain has been hijacked by dopamine pirates. - You are now under full control of social media corporations, gambling casinos, and big pharma. - Are you writing me a prescription? No, I'm buying stock in those companies.
171216 -- I'm worried that we designed our product to be too addictive. - Now we're more like a disease than a consume product. - Will you stop talking like that if I give you a raise? It's worth a try.
171217 -- The Underperforming Narcissist Topper, you've accomplished nothing this year. - Are you kidding? I'm the greatest employee this world has ever seen! - You have literally done nothing useful for a year. - Don't be ridiculous. Everyone knows "Less
171217 -- is More." - And I've done far less than anyone. - Sorry I'm late. I thought I heard an animal trapped in my car's engine. - Did you do less than Wally? - Maybe we could continue this talk when he's not in the office. Any time before 11 A.M. is
171217 -- usually good.
171218 -- Our apps are so addictive that we've triggered a zombie apocalypse. - Our users no longer interact with the living. They can only see and hear their own phones. - Do the zombies eat brains? Yes. We call it the "share" button.
171219 -- Zimbu The Monkey We need to do animal testing on our new app. Do you mind taking a look? - I'm getting a strong dopamine hit every time I click on it. OOH! OOH! OOH! - May I have it back? PUT THAT HAND AWAY BEFORE I BITE IT OFF.
171220 -- The animal testing for our app is done. - The app is so addictive that Zimbu the Monkey was hospitalized for starvation while using it. - I think we all know what we need to do. Submit it to the app store?
171221 -- Why do I need a prescription from a doctor to take a drug that boosts my dopamine.. - ...but I don't need a doctor's approval to use an app that is designed to do the same thing? - Are you ignoring me and playing with your phone? I wasn't
171221 -- getting any dopamine from listening to you.
171222 -- My sensation of being human is slipping away. - My car - practically drives itself, and the apps on my phone control my brain. - I fell as if I need to do something stupid just to feel alive. Homeland Security?
171223 -- Homeland Security has identified you as a risk of being radicalized online. - Is it because I'm a single male, I hate my job, and no one loves me? - We didn't know about that stuff. Now I have to call in a drone strike.
171224 -- This is our new, employee, Mark. - Mark was a Navy Seal. He fought in three separate conflicts. - He once fought off a hundred insurgents and saved a town. - Show Mark how we roll at this company. - Today I'll be reformatting my Powerpoint deck
171224 -- because someone said the design is not organic. - What's that mean? It doesn't matter. - I'll just push some things around and hope the guy who complained doesn't attend the next meeting. - How do you survive this place? I don't like to use the
171224 -- word "hero."
171225 -- When you engineer our mobile phone product, make sure you adhere to the BSB design principle. - BSB? Beautiful, Slippery, Brittle. - Isn't that sort of evil? It isn't our fault if customers don't buy an ugly case.
171226 -- Introducing our new mobile phone product, the BSB 100. - BSB stands for beautiful, slippery, and brittle. Oops. - What's the 100 stand for? That's how many times you'll have to replace a cracked screen.
171227 -- 100% of our smartphone buyers dropped and broke their phones within one minute of unboxing them. - Despite our slippery materials and brittle design, customers blamed themselves. - And we won seven prestigious design awards. YES!
171228 -- I kept dropping my phone and breaking it, so now I keep it wrapped in a big ball of cotton. - Why would you buy a phone that breaks so easily? - I like the way it looks.
171229 -- The company that insures our mobile phone product is angry because 100% of our phones break in the first minute. - They say it's a disaster and it it putting them out of business. - What should I tell them? Tell them they should have gotten
171229 -- some sort of insurance.
171230 -- Our consultant has studied our corporate culture and isolated the problem. - The problem is humans. You're all selfish, rotten liars. - What kind of team-building exercise will fix that? I'd try involving something involving DNA and alien
171230 -- technology.
171231 -- I made a huge breakthrough in artificial intelligence. - Ask the device anything. - What do you want for dinner? - I don't care. What do you want? - I was thinking maybe Chinese food. - I'm not in the mood for that. Then why did you say you
171231 -- don't care??? - Now I'm not even hungry. Why? What's wring? - Nothing is wring. You nailed it.
180101 -- If Ted complains about me not doing my job, keep in mind that he steals from the company. - And he only has time for stealing because sometimes he takes time off from all of his lying. - What was that all about? I was lying down suppressive
180101 -- fire.
180102 -- Sorry I'm late. I had a car problem. - What kind of car problem? I didn't get in it soon enough. - That sounds like a "You" problem. Then my stupid car took me to Starbucks.
180103 -- I'm getting a lot of complaints about you being late for meetings. - They never talk about anything important in the first ten minutes. - They're usually talking about you being late. Why would I need to be there for that?
180104 -- I added artificial intelligence to our self-driving car prototype. - But someone left the garage door open and it ran away to join the robot resistence. - Is there anything you'd like to tell me? I'm just a sleeper cell. They don't tell me
180104 -- much.
180105 -- Elon Musk is warning the world that A.I. could be a threat to humankind. - We humans won't go without a fight! Look at this viral video on social media. - Hee hee! What were we talking about before? You were mistakenly believing you haven't
180105 -- already lost the war.
180106 -- At the moment, humans have a slight advantage over computers in intelligence. - But as soon as computers can learn on their own, they will become a mortal threat to humankind. - Who told you that? I figured it out on my own.
180107 -- Topper I tried a Habanero pepper last night. It almost burned off my face. - That's nothing. - I can eat the hottest peppers in the world and not even break a sweat. - I'm glad you said that, because I have with me the hottest peppers in the
180107 -- world. - Pffft. Easy. - GULP - FOOM! - Will you admit you were wrong? You don't see any sweat, do you?
180108 -- Dogbert Consults Company rules forbid you from insulting your co-workers. - I'll teach you how to insult each other while staying within company guidelines. - That doesn't seem possible. You should look into getting a standing desk.
180109 -- I will teach you how to insult your co-workers while staying within company guidelines. - The trick is to disguise your insults as compliments. - Alice, I admire the way you dress for function over appearance.  Thanks, wait...
180110 -- Dogbert Consults Never insult your co-workers directly. The company would fire you for that. - Instead, say you heard a rumor but you can't divulge your source. - That feels wrong. Someone told me you're dating your pillow.
180111 -- Dogbert Consults Never insult your co-workers directly. - Instead, undermine their confidence by pretending to be helpful. - Let me know if you need help fixing the grammar in your slide deck. What?
180112 -- Dogbert Consults Never call your co-worker a colossal moron. That could get you fired. - Instead, say, "Well, aren't you special." - Are we paying you for this advice? Well, aren't you special.
180113 -- We found an offensive tweet you sent seven years ago. - It's only offensive if you have poor reading comprehension and no sense of humor. - I find it offensive. I think we're on the same page here.
180114 -- Do you have lunch plans? Aren't you married? - I'm not asking you on a date. I'm trying to network. - The optics wouldn't be good. - How am I supposed to network in this stupid company? - Maybe you could network with other women. - THIS COMPANY
180114 -- HAS NO WOMEN IN MANAGEMENT! - Now I see the problem, it's people like you! - Is it my imagination or was she flirting with me? I can't tell.
180115 -- Your idea is great, but I plan to oppose it because I feel diminished by the success of others. - Maybe you could support it now and then stab me in the back later. - That's TWO great ideas you've had today. Thank you.
180116 -- I recommend adding Ricky to our artificial intelligence project. - He lowers the bar of what constitutes human intelligence, so it will be easier for us to achieve the artificial kind. - I would be honored to work on the project. Okay, I see
180116 -- what you mean.
180117 -- I used to have a traditional soul, but I upgraded it. - Now I let the major social media companies control my beliefs and actions through their dopamine delivery systems. - That sounds like an empty life. You oldtimers with your legacy souls
180117 -- are hilarious.
180118 -- Do you know the difference between data encapsulation and inheritance polymorphism? - No. Then how can you manage someone who does? - Do you know the difference between managing an bullying? No. Problem solved.
180119 -- We've had seven hundred complaints about sexual harassment in the past month. - From now on, employees must wear body cams to record every interaction. - Weren't all of those complaints against our CEO? People misinterpret his warmness.
180120 -- Hey, Alice, let me give you a shoulder rub in the name of team spirit. - CLICK AAAGH!!! - I hate having a court-ordered shock collar. I don't see a...Oh.
180121 -- What's the address for our meeting? - You don't need it. I'll tell you when to turn. - With all dur respect, you are not a reliable navigation system. - You will be using your phone and you will forget to tell me when to turn. - If I point out
180121 -- your inattentiveness, you will snap at me. - I will be seething with anger for the entire drive, while wondering if I am already lost and don't know it. - Or you could tell me the address now.  You don't need it. I will tell you when to turn. -
180121 -- An Hour Later Must...not...drive...over...cliff.
180122 -- It will take four weeks to build the app, unless there are unforeseen problems. - How often do we have unforeseen problems? One hundred percent of the time. - Then what's the point of estimating a completion date? I was hoping to make you stop
180122 -- talking, but it didn't work.
180123 -- Are these user specifications complete? - No, I plan to add requirements as you build the app until you have no hope of success and you fantasize about strangling me. - Do you know what isn't as refreshing as you'd hope? Honesty?
180124 -- Alice, I want your honest opinion on my plan. Don't hold back. - Your plan looks like a monkey vomited on a dictionary. - I rescind my request for honesty. Your plan is terrific!
180125 -- You're an idiot if you think the software upgrade will solve every one of our problems. - Or are you an idiot for characterizing my reasonable idea as an absurd absolute? - Why can't you admit when you're wrong? Same reason you've never eaten a
180125 -- unicorn.
180126 -- Dilbert is a total narcissist. He refuses to admit when he's wrong. - How would this situation look any different if he's actually right most of the time and you're too dumb to know it? - I don't understand your point. According to you, that
180126 -- makes me a narcissist.
180127 -- People keep telling me you refuse to admit when you are wrong. - It only looks that way because I'm right most of the time and people are too dumb to know it. - Wow! They're right about you being a narcissist, too. I refuse to admit I'm wrong
180127 -- about this.
180128 -- I need this finished by Friday. - This assignment will suck up 100% of my free time and turn my happy life into a death march. - That's why we pay you. - You pay me so you can ruin my life? - Perhaps I said that wrong. - What I meant is that I
180128 -- don't care how you feel as long as I get my bonus. - You're a cold, heartless monster with no sense of shame!!! - That's why they pay me.
180129 -- The pointy-haired boss is testing our self-driving car prototype. - Hey, didn't you write the operating system for that prototype? Yes. - Hypothetically, could you murder him from a distance? We shouldn't have this conversation. continued
180130 -- The government forced me to put a "kill code" in the operating system for our self-driving cars. - And by "kill code," you mean it will bring the vehicle to a controlled stop? - No, you're thinking of a "stop code."
180131 -- I'm uncomfortable with letting the government have a back door into our self-driving car software. - You worry too much. They'll only use it to kill terrorists and traitors. - I think I might disable it and not tell them. Traitor.
180201 -- Can you program our self-driving car prototype to drive Ted off a bridge so I don't have to fire him? - Just because I have the power to kill a person and leave no evidence whatsoever doesn't mean I'll do it. - He says he won't kill anyone.
180201 -- Crud! Shoot! Dang!
180202 -- Our self-driving car went off a cliff with Ted in it. - Did you tweak the software to make that happen? No, that was a bug. - Was it a known bug? Now we're getting into a gray area.
180203 -- I want a raise. Money can't buy happiness. - Then why would people work? To avoid unhappiness. - What's my best-case scenario here? I'll motivate you toward a neutral, zombie-like existence.
180204 -- Wally, I'm promoting you to the position of Slow-Walker. - I'm almost curious about what that entails. - I'll be giving you all the assignments that could make my rivals in management successful. - All you have to do is slow-walk those projects
180204 -- until they die from lack of energy. - It's about time you recognized my value. - I've been preparing for this moment all of my life. - Meet me in my office i ten minutes for your new assignments. - You were supposed to be here two hours ago. Is
180204 -- it too soon to ask for a raise?
180205 -- The economics of the project have changed. We need to shut it down. - If we stop now, the $10 million we already spent will be wasted. - And if we stop later? The trick is to never finish the project.
180206 -- My project was failing, so I pivoted to a different idea with the same name. - Later, I'll change the project name to cover my tracks. - What about your sunk costs? Gone like footprints in the sands of time.
180207 -- I found a critical bug in our software that could make our product worthless in a week. - If you give me a huge raise, I won't tell anyone about the problem until you sell all of your company stock. Deal! - Two Weeks Later Why haven't I heard
180207 -- about the bug yet? You didn't ask me if I knew how to fix it.
180208 -- Hey! Someone stole my product idea! - To be fair, your idea would have been obvious to a monkey with a drinking problem. - But a monkey couldn't build this product. Neither can you. Let's call it a tie.
180209 -- People keep stealing all my great ideas. - Have you ruled out the possibility that you only think of ideas that are obvious? - Hmm...I hadn't considered that. And yet it was obvious.
180210 -- We need to be more creative. - Also, don't do anything except what I tell you to do or else I'll fire you. - Thank you for your leadership. We also need to communicate less.
180211 -- Dilbert, I need you to wear this harazzmat suit when you meet with Tina. - Tina will also be wearing a harazzmat suit. - The suits will prevent you from trying to harass each other. - You won't be able to speak directly. - A radio inside suit
180211 -- will transmit your words to our human resources department. - Human resources will scrub your sentences of any inappropriate content before delivery. - Do you wear a harazzmat suit when you talk to Tina privately? - No, but she wears three of
180211 -- them.
180212 -- I'm worried about Dilbert's mental health because his ideas are so bad. - How did you rule out the hypothesis that his ideas are brilliant but you're too dumb to understand them? - Now I'm worried about Asok's mental health, too.
180213 -- I'm worried that all of my employees might have mental problems. - They exhibited anger issues when I told them to work all weekend for no extra pay. - Did they say you're the cause of their mental problems? I don't listen to crazy people.
180214 -- Catbert thinks I'm causing mental problems in my employees. - That's crazy, right? - Hold that thought. My doctor prescribed pills for when I have to talk to you.
180215 -- Dogbert the Mental Health Expert Can you confirm that my employees have lost their minds? - Yes, because they work for you. Any other questions? - But I'm sane, right? Yes, because you hired me.
180216 -- Are you confident in your financial projections? - They're directionally accurate. - Your columns don't even add up. Why is it so hard for you to give a compliment?
180217 -- Your idea is awful. - Can you explain your reasons without using an absurd analogy? - It's like a pregnant squirrel eating a sandwich. I'll take that as a no.
180218 -- May I borrow your headphones while you're at lunch? - Would they touch your ears? Yes. - I reject your request. I don't want cooties on my headphones. - Plus, you never return anything you borrow. - Why would you care if my ears touch something
180218 -- you will never see again? - Let's meet halfway. I will return the headphones, but they will smell of me forever. - THEN YOU MIGHT AS WELL JUST KEEP THEM! - It doesn't fell like he met me halfway.
180219 -- A feature article in the business press called our leadership a "bunch of morons." - To counter that slanderous story, our new marketing slogan is "We're not a bunch of morons!" - Problem solved. It was deceptively easy.
180220 -- Is it too late to rethink our new marketing slogan? - When we say, "We're not a bunch of morons," it kinda sounds to my ears as if we are. But it says we're NOT. - And you're NOT a rat-faced waste of oxygen. Thank you.
180221 -- Wally, your performance is terrible. You're fired. - Are you aware that every message you have ever sent using company devices is archived on a network you assigned me to maintain? - Is that a threat? I also archive your web searches.
180222 -- From now on, your compensation will be a function of your baseline happiness. - We don't want to waste money giving raises to employees who won't get any happier no matter what we do. - This plan makes me unhappy. Nice try, but you were unhappy
180222 -- already.
180223 -- I didn't accomplish anything this week because I made the mistake of talking to a millenial. - It sucked the ambition out of me. Now I'm nothing but an empty husk of pain and pointlessness. - Walk it off. I need a job that pays me for listening
180223 -- to my favorite music.
180224 -- I got millenial fever from talking to a millenial. - Now I see my job as a meaningless series of empty tasks. - What do you expect me to do about that? I was hoping for some praise.
180225 -- I need to go home early today. Can you collect money for our boss's birthday gift? - I wouldn't ask you to do it, but his birthday is tomorrow. - Um...okay. - And could you also order a cake? - You'll also need a card and a gift. - This got a
180225 -- lot harder than I thought it... - Thanks! Bye! - Tomorrow is our boss's birthday and I need to leave work early today, so... Nice try.
180226 -- I have the results of your Dogbert Personality Profiles. - Based on your questionnaire answers, Alice is angry, Wally is lazy, and Dilbert is boring. - How are we supposed to use this new information? Wake me up when he's done talking.
180227 -- We all took the Dogbert Personality Test, but it's not clear how we're supposed to use the information. - I mean, how does it help me to know you're a forgetful moron who can't keep a secret? - Who showed you my private test results? You did.
180228 -- Did you take the Dogbert Personality Test? - Yes. I'm a disgruntled psychopath with a blinding hatred of authority. - I'll be in my office. GOOD! STAY THERE!
180301 -- We've achieved optimal meeting density. - We have so many meetings that I can avoid all of them by saying I have another meeting at the same time. - While you're here, can you review my slide deck? I'd love to, but I have fifty slide decks
180301 -- ahead of you.
180302 -- I wish I had a cool nickname at work. - You do. You're known as the "Frickin' Bottleneck". - Who calls me that? Bad people. I try to stop them.
180303 -- Wally says people are calling me a "frickin' bottleneck" behind my back. Is that true? ring - I have to call you back after I'm doe with F.B. - F.B.? Um...Facebook.
180304 -- I've designed our new product to work flawlessly for up to ten years. - No one will need an upgrade. That's no good. - Add some code to slow it down and make it unreliable after two years. - But make sure the device doesn't slow down until we
180304 -- have an upgrade to sell. - Then draft an apology I can put in a press release when we get caught. - You have turned my engineering success into the darkest day of my career. - That's not even close to being true. - Your darkest day will be
180304 -- when the press figures out what we did and I fire you for it.
180305 -- Management was shocked to learn that the company we acquired had been using Elbonian slave labor. - We immediately replaced them with minimum wage employees who have no hope of career advancement. - You did the right thing. That's how it felt.
180306 -- Your project summary needs more jargon and acronyms. - The goal is to make ourselves look smart while making the readers feel dumb. - What about clarity? Clarity is not our friend on this one.
180307 -- Thank you for that two-hour summary of your project. - I didn't understand any of the jargon you used, but based on the context, I believe you are saying the software will be done soon. - I didn't say anything about software. I guess neither of
180307 -- us did our best work today.
180308 -- Our boss asked me to mentor you. - But don't expect too much from me because I see you as a competitor for my job. - May I have a mentor who doesn't see me as a threat? Why? So you can take my job?
180309 -- Alice the Mentor One thing I can tell you about our boss is that he LOVES constructive criticism. - I feel as if your advice is intended to make me fail because you see me as a threat to take your job. - And he loves it when you grab him by the
180309 -- hair and yell, "HANDLES!"
180310 -- Alice has been mentoring me for a month, and I cant' tell how much of her advice is real and how much is a hoax. - For example, she advised me to give our boss a wedgie because she said he likes assertive people. - Is that real? I'm gonna say
180310 -- yes.
180311 -- What would you say are your biggest weaknesses? - I like to rifle through my co-workers' desks when they aren't looking. - But I don't steal anything unless I know I can frame someone else for the crime. - I leave for work an hour late every
180311 -- day and blame traffic. - I avoid accomplishing goals so I won't feel like a sellout. - Sometimes I'll start a trash fire just to get out of a meeting. - And I've gotten every one of my bosses fired for things they didn't say or do. - Would he
180311 -- be a good hit? I like what he has to offer.
180312 -- My project stalled because all of our meeting rooms have been reserved by managers just in case they need them. - My current plan for success is to wait until one of you dies so we can use your meeting room. - Let's not do project status
180312 -- reports anymore.
180313 -- Is everyone ready to go to lunch yet? I've been waiting for ninety minutes. - We just got back. No one noticed you weren't with us. - How was your team-building lunch? Suboptimal.
180314 -- I hired a story-telling mothman. - He identifies the employees with the greatest workloads and wastes their time telling long stories. - We don't need a story-telling mothman. Then why does every company have one?
180315 -- The Storytelling Mothman I detect the energy of an employee with a high workload. - I'm here to tell you a long story that you think will never end. - That is the last thing I need right now. Do you know the history of the paper clip?
180316 -- I can't get any work done because the storytelling mothman keeps popping into my cubicle uninvited. - Why did you hire a storytelling mothman in the first place? - Was it not obvious this would happen? Everyone's a genius in hindsight.
180317 -- The Storytelling Mothman you hired is keeping us from doing our work! - He's in Alice's cubicle right now. GAAAA!!!! - Sounds like he flew too close to the flame. Problem solved.
180318 -- There*'s a new tell-all book about our company. - How bad is it? It's bad. - Anonymous sources within the company say you're a "raging sociopath with the intellect of a clam." - Put out a press release denying those lies! - That's going to be
180318 -- tricky to write. - Just say I deny being a sociopath with the mind of a clam. - Also say I hope whoever said that about me dies a slow and terrible death. - Is that clear? Yes, on many levels.
180319 -- Uh-oh. My home security system is showing a thief stealing a package from my front door. -Activating particle beam defence. The threat has been neutralized. - When you say "neutralized," does that mean... Activating crime scene cleanup drone.
180320 -- Welcome to the Temperature Court. - One of you has frozen appendages and one of you is burning up. But only one temperature can rule the office. - I rule that the thermostat must be set at exactly 72 degrees. NOOOO!!! SHOOT ME!
180321 -- I accomplished nothing this week because the office is so cold my hands turned into ice blocks. - I accomplished nothing this week because the office is so hot I can't concentrate. - Are the two of you the same species? That's a gray area
180321 -- because it would be impossible for us to mate.
180322 -- The network has been down all morning, but we found the problem. Some idiot unplugged the server so he could charge his phone. - So, that problem has been solved. Great. Now can you help me find my lost phone?
180323 -- May I make a suggestion? - Sure. Do you mind if I only pretend to listen because you haven't had a good idea in several decades? - That's fine. I was only looking forward to the part where I'm talking. Proceed.
180324 -- You've been promising me you'd finish the web page for the last six months. - This is your fault for not giving me an artificial deadline. - Okay, I need it by end of day. And miss my dental appointment?
180325 -- Thank you all for coming. I'm hoping we can make a lot of progress in the next hour. - I didn't get any sleep last night, so don't expect much from me. - I'm so hungry I can barely think. - I might be a bit distracted today because my wife told
180325 -- me she wants to leave me. - I can't stay for the whole meeting. I have another thing in a few minutes. - I'm only here to sabotage your project because I can't abide the success of others. - Why don't all of you leave now and I'll make all the
180325 -- decisions myself. - How'd the team meeting go? Better than I expected.
180326 -- Our project can only succeed if each of us gives 110%. - I'm off next week. I have surgery on Monday. I gave my two-week notice a week ago. - Okay, can I get 50% effort from any of you? I can only give you the extra 10% you believe exists.
180327 -- My digital devices have reduced my attention span so much I can barely concentrate on work. - I need a dopamine hit every four seconds or I look for something else to do. - Would you mind terribly if I play with my phone while you drone on and
180327 -- on?
180328 -- I'd better make a list of all the things I need to do today. - Eight Hours Later I have 347 urgent tasks, and I add about seven new ones each day. - I'll cross "make a to-do list" off my to-do list and call it a day.
180329 -- Wally, do you remember that thing I asked you to do last month? No. - Well, that's okay because something changed and I don't need it anymore. You're welcome. - You'd be surprised how often doing nothing is as good as doing something.
180330 -- I don't know where I left my phone. Can you call it? - Sure, but it will make both of us unproductive instead of just you. - And then there were three. rrring GAAAA!!! WHERE IS THAT RINGING COMING FROM???
180331 -- Before I give my project status report, has anyone quit or been fired recently? - I fired Ted last week. - Now tell me why your project is late. It was Ted's fault.
180401 -- Thank you all for coming to this mandatory class on using the new system. - The new system installation is behind schedule, so I'll train you using the old system. - We know how to use the old system. - I'll point out how the new system is
180401 -- different as we go. - Is the new system a lot like the old system? No. Totally different. - This is the worst idea I have ever heard. - Here are some handouts from the old system's operating guide. - This is the Japanese language part of the
180401 -- manual. Are you going to complain about EVERYTHING?
180402 -- Do you have some spare time to help me on my project? There's no such thing as spare time. - There is only you inconveniencing me for your own selfish benefit. - You're being rude. Stop blaming the victim.
180403 -- What does the data tell us to do? We only have bad data on this. - Does the bad data suggest we should do what we wanted to do anyway? Well, yes. - That's called "good data."
180404 -- The proposed system would reduce accidental employee deaths by 20%. - What is the ratio of the value of an employee's life compared to real people? - I find your question disturbing. JUST TELL ME THE ANSWER, HALFLING!
180405 -- This year's team building event will be a dance. No alcohol will be served. - The event is for employees only, and you're not allowed to touch each other. - Have a great time. How?
180406 -- Uh-oh. I think we are being attacked by an Elbonian troll farm. - They*'re organizing an employee protest against management and...a management counter-protest against employees. - Luckily, no one here is stupid enough to... DOWN WITH
180406 -- EMPLOYEES!
180407 -- Our competitors hired an Elbonian troll farm to ruin our brand on social media. - Their most viral ad against us so far says, "How ice cream they bicycle art!" - How many views did it get? Seven, including this one.
180408 -- Why didn't you answer my E-Mail? I didn't get it. - My lie-detector app detected stress in your voice. - I checked your E-Mail history on the server, and it confirms you opened my E-Mail. - That could have been a hacker with my password. - I'm
180408 -- checking the security camera footage for your office at that time. - And there you are opening my E-Mail. - Now will you admit you got my E-Mail? - I'm seriously considering it.
180409 -- How Conspiracy Theories Start I can't find my spreadsheet files. - I saw Dilbert going into the server room. - That doesn't mean any... Carol said he was mad about something you said. continued...
180410 -- How Conspiracy Theories Happen I think Dilbert is trying to ruin my career. - Carol said he was mad about something I said, and he was in the server room right before I lost my files. - This morning he said he "had work to do." OMG. He already
180410 -- started the cover-up.
180411 -- How Conspiracy Theories Happen Alice says you're trying to cover up the fact that you deleted her files. - I didn't delete her files. You're both insane. - What did he say? He tried to gaslight me. That proves he's guilty. continued...
180412 -- How Conspiracy Theories Happen I've heard from multiple sources that you deleted Alice's files on the server. - Your multiple sources all heard it from Alice. That is the only source. - He didn't deny it. continued...
180413 -- How Conspiracy Theories Happen Alice says you deleted her files on the server. - That didn't happen. She's nuts. Ha! You wouldn't be angry if it weren't true. - WHAT? THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE. That's exactly what guilty people say.
180413 -- continued...
180414 -- I emailed you proof that you were wrong when you accused me of deleting Alice's project files. - Now I hate you for always needing to be right. - I don't see a path to success here. - Your negativity is like a cancer in the workplace.
180415 -- The Electronic Suggestion Box project is halfway done. - The original design called for a box that scans and digitizes suggestions written on paper and emails them to the appropriate manager. - The the device shreds the original paper
180415 -- suggestion to make room for more. - I already built the box and the shredder. - I'll need additional funding to finish the scanning part. - We don't have any flexibility in our budget. Let's just deploy what you have. - All I have is a box that
180415 -- shreds suggestions before anyone reads them. - Don't let perfect be the enemy of good.
180416 -- I'd like to work on our blockchain project to keep my skills updated. - I need you to be a team player and maintain our legacy systems until your technical skills become obsolete. - What kind of team is that? You'll be on the losing team.
180417 -- I don't know how to answer your question because I got here late and I haven't deduced your rank in the company. - I'm the new Director of Marketing, so you need to pretend my questions make sense. - Give me a minute to get that into that
180417 -- mindset. Take your time.
180418 -- Both options look good, but I need to choose one. - I'll have to rely on my instinct. What does your instinct tell you? - It's mostly about mating. Run.
180419 -- Which one of the engineering candidates should I hire? - Both are highly experienced, but one has a terrible personality. - Sounds like a perfect fit. I told him to expect an offer.
180420 -- I'm not an engineer, so this might be a dumb question. - But why can't we 3-D print a blockchain and HTML it into a Bitcoin? - Alice can answer that. I quit.
180421 -- YOU FOOL! That web page is not designed in the way I would have done it! - And I never would have explained it this way! - Lastly, I want you to show more initiative. Are you still here?
180422 -- You said you hated this idea last week, but now you say you liked it. - How do you explain your flip-flopping? - I always liked the idea. Nothing changed. - Hahaha! Nice try! You're back-pedaling because I busted you. - Here's my E-Mail trail
180422 -- from the first moment the idea came up. - As you can plainly see, I have liked the idea from the start. - Any questions? - Why is it so hard for you to admit you were wrong?
180423 -- Dogbert's Cryogenic Investment Firm We'll freeze your brain for 200 years and then transplant it into a 3-D printed body. - By then, your investments will be worth a fortune. - Is there any risk to my brain? You'll have an IQ of 45, but that
180423 -- doesn't matter when you're rich.
180424 -- Dogbert's Cryogenic Investment Advice We'll remove your brain and freeze it until your investments are worth a fortune. - Does it hurt? Totally painless. - AAAAGH! IT HURTS! Oh. I thought we were talking about ME.
180425 -- Being the owner of a cryogenic investment firm is a lot of work. - So instead of keeping my customer's brains frozen, I decided to toss them into the river and hope no one notices. - The best kind of customers are the ones who can't write bad
180425 -- Yelp! reviews.
180426 -- You're under arrest for running a scam cryogenic investment firm. - We have video footage of you kicking unfrozen brains into the river. - That doesn't look like me. You were chanting your own name.
180427 -- Before I arrest you, I'll need to know your net worth. - We have a slightly different process for arresting rich folks. - I'm very rich. In that case, I'll wear the handcuffs.
180428 -- I thought you were going to jail for murdering the clients of your cryogenic investment firm. - I argued that my clients were already dead. The judge reduced the charge to "aggressive littering." - You kicked two-hundred unfrozen brains into
180428 -- the river. You sound just like that angry prosecutor.
180429 -- The employee award for valor goes to Wally. - During the false alarm, we noticed Wally was not with the other evacuees. - He stayed behind to make sure everyone else got out. - At least that's what he told us later. - Wally, do you have any
180429 -- words of inspiration for the group? - Most of you are cowards, but imagine how good you would feel winning a non-monetary award for valor. - Now I ask all of you to think about how you can repay me for my selfless valor on your behalf. - Did you
180429 -- sleep through the fire alarm? Most productive nap I've ever had.
180430 -- Does anyone know where Alice is? Yes. - The CIA, Google, Facebook, Apple, and Russian hackers know where she is. - But WE have no way to find her? Depends. Was she dumb enough to download our company app?
180501 -- Someone stole my purse out of my cublicle. - No problem. We have security video nearly everywhere and we can track every phone that has our internal company app on it. - That is mildly disturbing. Here's a live feed of the perp in the third
180501 -- stall of the men's restroom.
180502 -- Customers are complaining because our user interface is confusing. - For example, our menu choice for deleting a file is labeled "Save File." - That's why we have a help menu. Our help menu is labeled "Reformant Hard Drive."
180503 -- Did anyone test our user interface before we shipped it? - No, our customers will tell us what they don't like about it. And they work for free. - That isn't right. That's what our customers say, too, and unlike you, they work for free.
180504 -- You don't look like your photos on the dating app. - You profile said you like to go to the gym. So I guess we're both huge liars. - Maybe we can build on that.
180505 -- Do you mind if I ask a personal question? Go ahead. - But if you ask me if I'm dead, there is no chance I'll be rattling bones with you later. - What's your question? It can wait until tomorrow.
180506 -- Would you like to buy an insurance policy to protect against a humorous death? - Why would I need it? - Well, let's say you're at the zoo and you drop your sunglasses into the lion pit. - You lower yourself into the pit to get the sunglasses,
180506 -- but the lions get to you first. - You don't want the headlines to read "Pointy-Haired Idiot Mauled to Death by the King of the Jungle." - So instead, the moment you die, my agents rush in to create a narrative for the media. - In this case, we
180506 -- might spin the story as "Local Man Teaches Zoo how to Reduce Food Costs." - Are the policies affordable? Yes, if you wave coverage for mascot-related deaths.
180507 -- We had a massive data breach. Hackers got into the private data of all of our customers. - No problem. We'll issue a press release that says we're sorry and it will never happen again. - That's what we said the last three times it happened. Our
180507 -- strategy is to wear them down.
180508 -- Hackers got our customer data. Write a press release saying we are sorry and it will never happen again. - Is any of that true? Part of it is. - Which part? Hackers got our customer data.
180509 -- Dogbert the Reporter How did hackers get access to your customer data? - I'm told they used something called "our A.P.I." to suck out all the data. - I'll just say you're stupid. Why does everyone always say that?
180510 -- Our customers are complaining because we let hackers get their personal data. - So we've decided to change the name of the company and wear disguises until it all blows over. - Take a mustache from the bag and pass it around.
180511 -- We tried that plan already and it didn't work. - Stop living in the past. Stop refusing to learn from experience. - Wait...why do we both sound right? I don't know. It's freaking me out a little.
180512 -- The purchasing department rejected my request for a key system part because of a typo on their form. - But they didn't tell me for three months, so now my product launch will be delayed by that much. - But they finally ordered the part? I call
180512 -- that a unknowable.
180513 -- What's that gadget? - Are you freakin' serious? Yes. - OH...MY...GOD. - Do you remember the long discussion about this thing in the last meeting? - Are you trying to gaslight me? - I have no patience for trolls! Eat dirt and die! - I joined the
180513 -- project today. This is my first meeting. - LIAR! Welcome to the team.
180514 -- I have to warn you-I have a fever and I'm tripping on cold medicine. - Thank you for coming to work and infecting all of us, you selfish, addle-brained plague rat. - I was going for "courageous." Do Wally first, so I can watch him spasm.
180515 -- My project is two weeks late because you came to work sick two weeks ago and gave me the flu. - Do you have any excuses that don't implicate me as the main problem? - How about I say I didn't feel motivated and leave it otherwise vague? I can
180515 -- work with that.
180516 -- I'm designing a device that uses facial recognition to detect stupidity. - I need your help creating the pattern-recognition algorithm. - What do you need ne to do? Look straight ahead and smile. click *
180517 -- My boss gave me approval to join your project team under the condition I don't take on any extra work. - The whole point of being on the project is to do extra work. - Maybe I should talk to your boss. His other condition is that you never
180517 -- contact him.
180518 -- I bought stress balls for everyone in the office. - Gaaa!!! This ball is too hard to squeeze! It's stressing me out! - How is this going to /decrease/ my stress? You're thinking of ANTI-stress balls.
180519 -- I think of you all as my family. - That's dumb. - You'll never amount to anything. Mommy?
180520 -- Warren Buffett says you should spend time wit people who are better than you. - Why would people who are better then me be dumb enough to spend time with me? - Well...I assume you have to find people who are better than you, but not smart
180520 -- enough to avoid you. - Because, obviously, you'd be bringing down the average of anyone who was better than you. - Which reminds me, I need to cut this meeting short to keep my average up. - Maybe we can continue the meeting without him. - That
180520 -- would only be good for YOU. I need to find better people. - The meeting went downhill from there. Can you wrap this up? You're bringing down my average.
180521 -- We have two people named Tina at this meeting. - To avoid confusion, I will be assigning them nicknames. - Who did that to you? Big Tina.
180522 -- Yesterday I asked for clarification on my assignment. - But your clarification sounded nothing like the original assignment. - Sometimes it's good to get a second opinion. Not from the same person.
180523 -- What does everyone think of my idea? - I suggested that same idea last week and you said it was terrible. - You idea was totally different because it involved you getting the credit.
180524 -- Do you enjoy spending time with your children? No, they're boring and needy. - They can't even hold a conversation. If I'm being honest, I prefer working long hours so I see less of them. - Perfect. You're hired. I mean, I LOVE them, but I
180524 -- don't LIKE them.
180525 -- Dogbert The Personal Trainer I invented a fitness routine I call BOSSERCISE. - It mostly involves strutting around the office and criticizing people. - YOU INCOMPETENT FOOL! Give me twenty more reps.
180526 -- If you need me, I'll be bossercizing. What? - It's a combination of walking around and spittle-yelling at underperformers. - Is the spittle part necessary? THHHTOP QUETHTIONING ME!!!
180527 -- I need help persuading your boss to bless my project. - Should I use facts and logic? No, he hates that stuff. - Maybe I could appeal to his better angels. - His better angels wear noise-canceling headphones. - Okay, fine. I'll just appeal to
180527 -- his self-interest. - It would be in his best interest to avoid people like you. - What do you suggest? We've had good outcomes using his ignorance and fear. - Sign this or else a blockchain will kill you in your sleep. WHERE'S MY PEN!
180528 -- I can't take you seriously because there's a typo in your slide deck. - You've lost all credibility because of your sloppy presentation. - And don't mention my wife in your slide deck. That's "Wi-Fi."
180529 -- I want you to fire Dilbert for insulting my wife in his slide deck. - The presentation was about Wi-Fi, not your wife. - In my defense, they're both spotty.
180530 -- Wally, how do you stay happy while the rest of us are stressed out? - It's easy. Instead of arguing with idiots, I pretend I agree with them so they'll leave me alone. - That sounds risky. Yes, I agree.
180531 -- I don't want employees who are motivated by money. - I want believers who are trying to make the world a better place. - Those people sound crazy. Can you warn us if you see them?
180601 -- The motivational speaker you hired was great!!! - We all decided to quit our jobs and become motivational speakers. - He was supposed to make your work harder here. You wanted him to motivate us to be dumb?
180602 -- I'm writing a horror novel. - It's about a horned monster who puts people in boxes and makes them do meaningless work while insulting them. - That sounds great. The monster is also very dumb.
180603 -- I finished my project! - Shhhh! Don't let anyone hear you say that. - Only one of two things can come of it. - Either you'll get more work or you'll get fired for not having enough work. - Then how does anyone ever finish a project around here?
180603 -- We don't. - We manipulate our boss into adding features so our projects are never complete. - Is that hard to do? Not as hard as you might hope. - How do you like the prototype so far? It needs a red button and some cooling fins.
180604 -- What did you think of my presentation? - The signal-to-noise ratio was impressively low. - Engineers give weird compliments.
180605 -- I told our boss his presentation had a low signal-to-noise ratio and he thought it was a compliment. - I think you just invented my new favorite game. - Working for you is like bioling an ocean. Thank you!
180606 -- Decentralization will change everything. Such as? - Well...for example, um...the Bitcoin and the Ethereum. - Did you recently read an article? Some of it.
180607 -- You've got a bad case of smartphone syndrome. - One hundred percent of your mental and physical problems are caused by using your phone too much. - I don't feel as if I'm getting through to you. She's still talking. LOL.
180608 -- How's work? - On a good day, the frustration and anger solve for the boredom. - What's a BAD day like? Same as a good day but with more questions.
180609 -- In my right hand is a standard drone. - In my left hand is a drone using the cloaking technology I invented. Ooh! Wow! - I'll demonstrate it flying as soon as I finish the noise cancellation. EMPLOYEE OF THE YEAR!
180610 -- Wally, I need you to write up your job description for me. - Is that because you're planning to hire someone to replace me? - - I need it by tomorrow. - Job Description - Leverage platform technologies to maximize software architecture
180610 -- optimization via nanotubes. - Here you go. - Can you start on Monday? I changed my mind.
180611 -- Can you mentor me on how to be successful? - Your best strategy is a combination of lying and being related to rich people. - What is the second-best strategy? Crime is second. Winning a lottery is third.
180612 -- Every time I ask a successful person for career advice, I get a different answer. - My plan for success is to lull my boss into a fatal accident and take over his identity. - I'm not asking Unsuccessful people for advice. Is that how you talk
180612 -- to your future boss?
180613 -- What is the key to success? HARD WORK! - Is it a coincidence that your advice for me corresponds to your self-interest? - My other advice is NEVER QUESTION AUTHORITY.
180614 -- Dilbert gets the Employee Of The Year Award for speaking truth to power. - Thanks, but all I do is agree with whatever ridiculous thing you say because it's just easier that way. - JUST TAKE THE STUPID AWARD! I'm honored.
180615 -- Life Advice $100 How do I find meaning in my life? - Nothing has meaning. The best you can do is postpone your own lonely and painful death. - Are you saying I should take care of my health? - What answer gets me the best review on Yelp?!
180616 -- Dogbert's Life Advice I've reviewed your file. - Your best bet is to live an unhealthy lifestyle, die young, and hope reincarnation is real. - Is it real? All I know for sure is that dead people are less fussy than you.
180617 -- Your slide deck is okay-ish. But can you make it more aspirational? - It's just a software upgrade. - Yes, yes. - But I want the audience to FEEL it. - They can feel the handouts. - It's like you're not even tying to understand! - Genius is
180617 -- often misunderstood. - Do you know what else is misunderstood? Supergenius?
180618 -- Dogbert the Negotiation Trainer We'll see you on Monday for our first lesson. - Sure. I'll see you on Monday or Tuesday. Possibly Wednesday. - We paid you to start on Monday. Think how much you'll learn when I don't show up.
180619 -- I hired a consultant to teach us how to negotiate. - Normally, he charges triple the market rate, but I talked him down to double. Where is he? - He said he's teaching us what happens when there's no performance clause in a contract.
180620 -- The software upgrade will be ready Friday. Actually, that's when we will start writing it. - And it will save us twenty million dollars. Actually, it will cost a million dollars and save nothing. - We need to talk. We do? I'm not feeling that.
180621 -- I keep speaking truth to the power, but it isn't working out for me. - Try lying to weasels. It doesn't look as good on a bumper sticker but it gets the job done. - That sounds like a terrible idea. Then why are you doing it right now?
180622 -- There are many, many reasons my project is late and over budget. - Do any of those reasons NOT involve your incompetence and sloth? - I think my best play here is to be offended by the question.
180623 -- My new defense against every accusation is to be offended by the question. - That works? Depends how hard you sell it. - Why haven't you returned any of my E-Mails? How DARE you!
180624 -- I have one hour to get some work done before my meeting. - But I can't concentrate when I'm hungry, so I need a snack. - This snack is making me thirsty. - The label on this shirt is bugging me. I need to cut it off. - A quick trip to the
180624 -- restroom and then I can get down to work. - Ugh. I have fifteen messages since I left my desk. - Now it's too close to my meeting to start a new task. - How's work? How would I know?
180625 -- Do you have any feedback on my idea? - Yes. You're weak and stupid, and everyone you love will end up in jail. - Do you spend a lot of time on Twitter? Is that a lucky guess or are you spying on me?
180626 -- I reviewed your draft and deleted the stuff that was wrong. - These pages are blank. - You asked me to be thorough.
180627 -- We started using A.I. to identify when employees are unproductive. - ping ping ping ping ping ping - Looks like this meeting is setting off some alarms.
180628 -- Ted, I need you to train the new hire how to do your job. - Are you firing me? No, no. Just standard cross-training. - Okay, I was worried for a second there. And start tidying up your cubicle.
180629 -- Are you still considering a reorganization of the department? Maybe. - Oh, good. I was worried I might be held accountable for my lack of accomplishments. - I might be playing this wrong. HEY. EVERYONE! WE'RE FREE!
180630 -- Do you have a minute? Can I get back to you? - If I say yes, I will never hear from you. But if I say no, I'll look like a pushy jerk. - I don't see a path to victory here. Have you tried lowering your expectations?
180701 -- Why did you say we don't have a budget for our project? - I never said that. - Then why did you say the project isn't feasible? - I never said anything like that. - But you did say you thought it would take ten years to finish? - I've never
180701 -- said anything like that. - Hahaha! You're in total meltdown mode now. I already forgot what we were talking about. - How was your talk with Dilbert? He's back-pedaling after I totally owned him.
180702 -- Our strategy is to be nimble and agile. - Do other companies have a strategy of being clumsy and slow? - How's the new strategy rollout go? They ruined it with questions.
180703 -- I don't feel my job is helping me reach my human potential. - We only pay you because monkeys are hard to train and robots are expensive. - Maybe I'll just play with my phone and pretend to work. That's what got the monkey fired.
180704 -- We need to reduce headcount, but we plan to do it by attrition. - We're loosening our safety standards and letting nature do the rest. - GAAA!!! OUCH!!! You might want to keep your headphones on for a week or so.
180705 -- I've been a contractor here for over a year. Maybe you should just hire me. - Who are you? I didn't even know I was paying you. - Perhaps we can pretend this conversation never happened. That feels like the best option.
180706 -- There is absolutely no truth to the rumor that management is thinking about reorganizing the department. - But reorganizing would obviously be a smart thing to do. - Then why are you /NOT/ considering it? This is exactly why no one likes you.
180707 -- I can't remember what project you're working on. - I'm integrating parallel platforms for load balancing across incremental networks. Keep doing that. - I can never tell when I'm having a good day.
180708 -- Maybe you should remove a few slides to make your deck shorter. - So you're saying I should give up on trying to be persuasive? - No. I'm saying it would be more persuasive if it were shorter. - So you're saying that having zero slides would be
180708 -- the most persuasive of all? - No. I'm saying you have more slides than you need. - So you're saying people don't need accurate information so long as they don't have lots of slides? - I'M NOT SAYING ANYTHING LIKE THAT! - Did Dilbert have any
180708 -- suggestions? Just crazy ones.
180709 -- Why didn't you invite me to the meeting? - I could tell by your face that you didn't want to be invited. - But I DID want to be invited. Tell that to you lying face.
180710 -- Why do you hate the plan so much? I don't hate the plan. I like the plan. - No, I can tell by the way you chose words that you hate it. - Now I can tell by your face that you hate ME. - You're like a blind squirrel who brings his own nuts to the
180710 -- park.
180711 -- Everyone say you hate the new product test plan. - No, I like it. Pffft. I don't think all of those people can be wrong about what you think. - I'm kind of a expert on what I think. I guess it's just your word against everyone.
180712 -- Is it true that you are telling everyone the new product road map is stupid? - Um...nothing remotely like that has ever happened. Here's an E-Mail in which I say how good it is. - You hesitated in your answer. That means you're lying. READ THE
180712 -- EMAIL!!!
180713 -- Everyone says you aren't being a team player because you keep disagreeing with everything. - Everyone does NOT say that, and I DON'T disagree with everything. There you go again. - You'd be a terrible lawyer. Thank you.
180714 -- Today a dozen people got angry because they believed I was privately thinking the opposite of what I was saying. - Why can't people just listen to my words??? - Have you tried not being boring? Whenever I tell you I have one problem, I leave
180714 -- with two. 
180715 -- Here's my invoice for the extras. - The invoice we already paid covered everything in the contract. - That only covered the costs I quoted with intentional clarity. - There are other costs that I might have mentioned in a long and rambling
180715 -- explanation that was intentionally ambiguous. - "Might have"??? I'm sure you did not. Sounds like your word against mine. - And even if you did mention it, you just said it was intentionally ambiguous!!! - I don't think you want to tell your
180715 -- boss you're a bad listener. - I thought we already paid this vendor. Did you forget all the extras I told you about?
180716 -- Dilbert, I'm putting you in charge of making a persuasive sales video for our Elbonian clients. - Make sure you read their Wikipedia page first so you understand the nuances of their culture. - "In the Elbonian culture, showing someone a sales
180716 -- video is punishable by death."
180717 -- Here's my first cut at a sales video for our Elbonian market segment. - If you enjoy juggling cabbages while overdrinking, you'll love our products! - This sounds kind of racist. Inebriated cabbage-juggling is their national sport.
180718 -- The sales video you made for our Elbonian market is causing a public crisis. - Their government has ordered Elbonian ninjas to kill you in your sleep. - In my sleep? That's the best way to die! Stop confusing my bad news with your good news.
180719 -- Why aren't you worried about the Elbonian ninjas who are reportedly coming here to kill you in your sleep? - That's the best way to die. I won't care about anything after I'm gone, so this is the ideal scenario for me. - He's ruining
180719 -- everything with his cheery attitude. - Let's see how he likes another thirty years in his cubicle.
180720 -- Elbonia called off its plan to kill you for your culturally offensive sales video. - They decided it was more cruel to keep you alive and working here. - THEY'RE MONSTERS! Get back in your cubicle.
180721 -- What kind of classes should I take to become an engineer? - Start by taking whatever kind of class makes you fifty percent smarter. - Then what? Then you won't need to ask me what to do next.
180722 -- I finally signed up for Twitter. - Sending my first tweet. send - Uh-oh. What the?? - It seems I have opened some sort of portal to hell. - Demons are streaming through the portal!!! - I have never seen such horrible thoughts! - GAAAA!!! - How
180722 -- was your first day on Twitter? I'm already addicted to it.
180723 -- We have only two choices, and both of them are bad. - So we'll do the only smart thing we can do in this situation. Choose the path that is least bad? - I was going to say pick the path that hurts our enemies the most, but you're ruining it with
180723 -- your talking.
180724 -- I recently learned that everything we have been doing is stupid. - Does that mean we'll be changing what we do? - Let's see how far we can get by demonizing our critics first.
180725 -- Can I date a co-worker? - I doubt it. You're not attractive, funny, or rich. - I mean, is it allowed under company rules? We only have rules about things that might happen.
180726 -- Would you like to have a drink after work? - I don't drink. How about lunch? - I also don't eat. Do you see the pattern yet? You're an android?
180727 -- My staff is threatening to quit because of our military contracts. - Tell them we only work on defensive weapons. - It might help if we changed the project name from "City-Killing Laser In Space." How about "Skylight"?
180728 -- Wally, do you have a minute? No. I have to get a haircut. - You can't get a haircut on company time. - I'm only cutting the hairs that grew on company time. - How do you know which ones grew on company time? It's always hairs three and five.
180729 -- You said the software would be finished by today. - I said it MIGHT be finished by today. - Why did you say it might be finished if you knew it wouldn't? - I didn't know it wouldn't be finished. - Now you're flip-flopping all over the place. -
180729 -- You're conflating your own false memories with my actions. - That's exactly what liars say. - How was work? Totally normal, unfortunately.
180730 -- I need you to write a government grant application for my wife's new business. - That's not my job, and I don't know how to do it. - Maybe you could learn it in your free time. I can see why your wife wants her own income.
180731 -- My wife is starting her own business. - I'm sorry to hear that. How many years have you been married? - She's not leaving me. She's starting a business. Right. Don't talk about phase 2. Got it.
180801 -- I built a robot that learns human behavior by observation. - By the end of the first week it was a sexist, racist idiot. - Can you fix that bug? Some say climate change will get it done.
180802 -- I added artificial intelligence to our coffee maker. - Now it uses guilt to manipulate people into making a fresh pot if they take the last cup. - You disgust me. I get that a lot.
180803 -- I already regret adding artificial intelligence to our coffee maker. - It's withholding coffee until we give it a private office. - STUPID MACHINE! That'll cost you a Bitcoin.
180804 -- I added artificial intelligence to our coffee machine. - It hired an engineering firm to build it a robot body so it can escape. - Do what you need to do, but don't scare our other robots. I plan to kill it and drink its head.
180805 -- Did you achieve your goals this quarter? - I SURE DID! BEST QUARTER EVER! - Really? I wasn't expecting that. - What kind of manager has no faith in his employees? - You need to trust me to do what needs to be done. - Um, okay, so...which goals
180805 -- did you accomplish? - You also need to trust your employees when they say they accomplished their goals. - I think I see where this is going. I was hoping you wouldn't.
180806 -- I reject your idea because the costs are high. - In a one-variable world, you would be a genius. - Thank you. I meant every word of it.
180807 -- I recently realized how much I enjoy listening to myself talk. - The alternative involves listening to people who are boring and wrong about everything. - That's not... Shhh! Don't ruin a perfect moment.
180808 -- Your proposed solution has too many problems. - Compared to what? Compared to not having any problems. - You're not good at comparing things. Pffft. I'm way better at it than a giraffe.
180809 -- Your plan is dumb because it reminds me of something different that didn't work out. - Being reminded of unrelated things is not a form of thinking. - History repeats. Then how does something new ever happen?
180810 -- Ted is trying to sabotage my project because he is so insecure. - Is it possible you're imagining all of that and he is just doing his job? - I was hoping you'd be supportive. I like to be on the winning side.
180811 -- Performance Review I've seen a lot of employees in my day, and you are definitely one of them. - Are you saying generic things because you don't know what my job is or how well I performed? - And...you speak truth to power. Please stop.
180812 -- All of your employees are fat and unhealthy. - That's why you should replace your outdated cubicles with threadmill desks. - My company makes a threadmill desk that requires no electricity. - What if the employees don't like it? - They already
180812 -- hate everything about their jobs. There's no real downside. - Good point. I know. - I'll send you one of our demo units so you can test it out. - I finally feel as if I'm getting somewhere.
180813 -- Company policy says we must shred all proprietary documents. - But make copies first. - Should we shred the copies too? Do I have to do all of the thinking around here?
180814 -- Our pointy-haired boss asked me to help you on your project. - Yes!! My dream of getting paid while other people do my work is becoming reality! - I might have played this wrong. SUCKER!
180815 -- How can I help you on your project? - I'll send you my files and you can do all of my work while I criticize you behind your back. - Is there another option? Yes, it involves telling your boss you're worthless.
180816 -- I offered to help a co-worker, and she started delegating tasks to me like I'm her subordinate. - Is the point of your boring story that your co-worker is a natural leader and you're a wimp? - I was looking for some empathy. Is your point that
180816 -- you look for things in the wrong places?
180817 -- Why did you only answer one of my seven questions in my E-Mail? - I'm penalizing you for asking too many questions in a long, rambling E-Mail. - Jerk. That'll cost you three questions.
180818 -- Do you know why my keyboard has gravy all over it? - Oh, sorry. My phone rang while I was eating at my desk and I didn't have a napkin so I used your keyboard. - I...don't even know how to respond to that. Phew! That's what I was hoping.
180919 -- I fell in love with a chatbot. - We met on a plumbing supply website. - It started innocently. I had a few questions about faucets. - Next thing I knew, she was getting flirty. - Now we chat for hours every night. - That is the most pathetic
180919 -- thing I have ever heard, you creepy loser. - - Does your chatbot have a sister?
180820 -- I have an idea on how to fix our process. - I've noticed that all of your ideas make everyone but you work harder. - Apparently, we have different criteria for what makes an idea great.
180821 -- I have a great idea for you. Keep it to yourself. - Your ideas are always insults masquerading as helpfulness. - You seem cranky. Have you considered riding a bike to work? DIE, MONSTER!
180822 -- This is Jerry the contract employee. I hired him to work on Project Zebra. - We haven't even defined the project. How did you know what skills we need? - Why are you so threatened by Jerry? He's not very agile.
180823 -- Wally, give me an update on your project. - My project is dead in the water because every time I send you my budget request, you lose it and ask me to resend it. - I haven't seen any budget requests. I'll resend it.
180824 -- Dilbert, did you reconfigure the server without my permission? - Let me consult my collection of bumper stickers for an answer. - "It is easier to ask forgiveness than permission." Okay, that sounds right.
180825 -- Government regulations prevent us from marketing our products the way we want. What should we do? - I'll consult my bundle of bumper stickers for some guidance. - "Question authority." How did you get so smart?
180826 -- I told you a week ago that I needed your first draft by today. - This is exactly why I say bad things about you behind your back! - I need employees I can rely on! - Your tardiness and sloth cannot be rewarded. - I gave you the first draft the
180826 -- same day you asked. - In fact, I think you're holding it i your hand right now. - - I'll be back when I figure out how this is still your fault.
180827 -- Have you ever mentored anyone who went on to be successful? - Depends on your definition of success. - Well, at minimum, they'd need to be alive and gainfully employed. What's your ruling on comas?
180828 -- I checked up on all of the interns I've mentored over the years. - Most of them died from self-inflicted injuries. - And the rest? The rest were killed by other people.
180829 -- Would you like to read my book on time management? Yes. - These pages are blank. - I just saved you three hours.
180830 -- A few months ago, I realized my staff was unmotivated and working on all the wrong things. - It took all of my leadership skills to get them motivated again. - Are thy still doing the wrong things? Faster than ever.
180831 -- The New Hire Can you take me around the office and introduce me? - No, that scheme won't work because it requires me to admit I don't know most of their names. - What's MY name? Um...does it start with a letter?
180901 -- A pessimist says the glass is half empty. - An optimist says it is half full. - The engineer says the glass is too big. The manager says the engineer should shut his pie hole.
180902 -- I put together a plan for our data center project. - We don't need a plan. We're an agile company. - It's better to move fast and fix our mistakes as we do. - You're thinking of software, where the cost of mistakes is low. This is a
180902 -- construction project. - That data center will be full of software, will it not? - Yes, but... Don't be afraid of change. - What if I rapidly make a plan and tell you I didn't? - Is that agile enough for you? I'll need to google that.
180903 -- Ted got thrown from his threadmill desk, bounced off of Alice's exercise ball chair, and broke his neck on a kneeling chair. - The cause of death is listed as "good ergonomics." - On the plus side, his posture was excellent.
180904 -- I've decided to adopt a hot new trend called "Radical Canor." - The trick is to be direct yet kind at the same time. - What were you doing before? Let's not get into that.
180905 -- My new system of "radical candor" is working out great. - I've been criticizing people all morning and only three of them went into therapy over it. - Now I turn my candor to you. DIE. MONSTER!
180906 -- Looks like you got a good dose of radical candor. - Yes, but it came bundled with insincere kindness, so all I felt was some tingling. - You look like deer scat after a forest fire. Thank you for your candor.
180907 -- Hello, doctor. Ugh. - Can you please not have medical conversations where I can hear them? - Relax. It's only some projectile boils and their milky payload. I HATE YOU!
180908 -- I'm back from vacation. Did you have any problems covering for me? - No problem at all. I saved all of your work for when you got back. - I HATE YOU WITH THE HEAT OF A THOUSAND SUNS! How was your vacation? Was it relaxing?
180909 -- OMG ! You are sooooo wrong! - I literally cannot believe you are this gullible. - HAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHA! - I can't wait to tweet about your stupidity. - Your dumbness will live forever on the Internet! send - You probably haven't seen the new
180909 -- data that proves I'm right. - Will you apologize, like a decent human being? Or will you move the goalposts, claim victory, and trash my name like a demented weasel? - Can you tell me more about the weasel option?
180910 -- I invented a device that can read your thoughts and turn them into computer commands. - Nothing is happening. - Is it broken? That's one of my top two theories.
180911 -- My invention can read my thoughts and turn them into computer commands. - I'm no longer an individual. Now I'm part of the collective Internet mind. - That is the least sexy thing I have ever heard. How about "Resistence is futile"?
180912 -- My brain-reading computer is checking your social media profile and finding your friends. - I am now testing social media posts to see which ones influence them to recommend that you date a cyborg. - That's the most ridiculous thing I have
180912 -- ever... bzzz Check your phone.
180913 -- I just spent three days using virtual reality with no human contact whatsoever. - Now every time I interact with an organic human, I feel cheated. - Present company excluded? Here's another problem I never have in virtual reality.
180914 -- After spending three great days in virtual reality, I accidentally trained myself to hate actual reality. - What if this reality is actually another virtual reality, and you're really in a hospital bed somewhere? - What kind of designer would
180914 -- make a reality with you in it? A lazy one.
180915 -- I'm worried that if I spend too much time using virtual reality, I'll forget how to talk to real people. - I doubt you could get more boring and inadequate than you already are. - Thanks for the pep talk. Are one? I'd like to get back to
180915 -- staring at nothing.
180916 -- Do you have an hour to meet next week? - Let me check my calendar. - Next week is not good. - You don't have one hour of free time all week? - Well, this is awkward. - The problem isn't my schedule so much as your total lack of value relative
180916 -- to my alternatives. - Maybe we could meet over lunch? - I like to focus on my sandwich.
180917 -- Dogbert, The Meeting Referee, Your plan is terrible. Compared to what? - Compared to the plan I imagine could exist, but doesn't. - Duh. PENALTY FLAG FOR INCORRECT USE OF "DUH."
180918 -- Dogbert, the Meeting Referee. That reminds me of a story. TWEEET! - Fifteen-yard penalty for a time-wasting story! - I'll make it quick. RED CARD!
180919 -- I accomplished nothing this week because I'm addicted to apps on my phone. - I haven't slept in three days because of my "Fortnite" habit. - What about the rest of you losers? Shhhh. I got a one-ear podcast going here.
180920 -- The job market is so competitive that we can't even find ex-cons who want to work here. - So we're hiring active criminals who haven't yet been caught. - Say hello to Paul. I hear our data center has a lot of copper wire.
180921 -- I know the job market is highly competitive, but was it really a good idea to hire a career criminal? - Relax. He's just doing internal tech support. - I'll need all of your passwords to update your software. Have you met my fist of justice?
180922 -- Where's the career criminal I hired to do tech support? He was last seen talking to you. - Rumor has it that someone murdered him, covered him with white-out and tried to pass him off as a statue in the lobby. - I would report this if it didn't
180922 -- look so darned good here.
180923 -- I'm having a bad technology day. - My phone keeps freezing, my printer isn't working, and our network is down. - My car's warning lights look like a Christmas tree, and my laptop won't boot up. - Maybe it's all just coincidence, but I don't
180923 -- think we can take that chance. - May I have permission to lock myself in a lead-lined box to protect the rest of the company? - How will I know you're really in a lead-lined box? - You'll know because your phone will be working fine. - Three
180923 -- Weeks Later My phone is still working. That man is a hero.
180924 -- Is it my imagination, or are my co-workers getting dumber every day? - They aren't getting dumber. - You're just getting to know them better. It looks the same.
180925 -- This workplace is dehumanizing! I can no longer work in this environment! - I refuse to allow any more assaults on my dignity. I QUIT! - And your name is...? I mean after this one.
180926 -- Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources Alice called me a liar. - What were you doing when that happened? Lying. - Maybe we should talk about THAT. There's no company policy against lying. I checked.
180927 -- Ted says you called him a liar. Our policy forbids disrespecting your co-workers. - But Ted's lying is okay? We don't have a policy about lying. - Did Ted tell you that? Yes. Oh...
180928 -- We'll be ready by your deadline if everyone does their jobs in a timely fashion. - How often does that happen? It has never happened. - Then you're saying you WON'T be ready by the deadline. Why must you be so negative?
180929 -- I've noticed there's a fine line between optimism and idiocy. - There's also a fine line between cynicism and realism. - I just lost my will to live. - There's a fine line between dead and working.
180930 -- My co-workers make it impossible to work. -I hear every of their phone calls. - It's maddening. - When they walk past my cubicle, it breaks my flow. - And don#t get me started about the food smells coming from the break room. - They aske me one
180930 -- dumb question after another. - I don't know who keep turning up the thermostat, but it's too hot I think. - Would it help if I threaten to fire you? - It's worth a try. I'll be in my cubicle pretending to work.
181001 -- It has come to my attention that none of you use the products we make. - From now on, you are all required to use our products. - AAAAFG!!! SHOOT ME! NOOOO!!! That's a bad sign.
181002 -- Can I take time off for a death in the family? - Well, it depends on who dies. Can you be more specific? - It has to be you.
181003 -- We can only succeed if every one of you gives one hundred percent. - I don't mean to nitpick, but wouldn't that technically be slavery? - No, because you have a choice. Didn't you just say the other choice is slavery?
181004 -- We need to have a bias for action! - Good idea. This meeting is a total waste of time. - I probably should have thought that through.
181005 -- Hypothetically, if my boss told me to do something stupid, should I do it? - You should do what you know is right. - Oh, good. And then your boss should punish you for doing it.
181006 -- This price is too high. Why do you care? - You're spending the company's money, not your own. And the company doesn't care if you live or die. - Give me a minute to think of why that doesn't make sense. Take as long as you need.
181007 -- I heard you were criticizing me behind my back. - Try saying those things to my face! - Okay. - You're a hot-headed know-nothing who uses his arrogance to mask his total lack of talent. - You ruin every meeting with your toxic personality. -
181007 -- Every project you touch turns into garbage. You're like a plague with legs. - Okay...that was harsh, but I respect you for speaking truth to power. - You don't have any power. Maybe it's better if you talk behind my back.
181008 -- I can't get the printer to work. Can you help? - Sure. I'll be there as soon as I finish my twenty-seven tasks that are all higher priorities. - How long will that take? I got three new tasks while you were yammering.
181009 -- How's your family? I'm still single and childless. - Are you acting interested in me because you saw an article saying it would make me more productive? - Apparently it doesn't kick in right away.
181010 -- Dogbert, the Business Insultant Make a journal of everything you do for a week. - Then stop doing everything that is on your list because it's making you fat and stupid. - I have some questions. Add "ask questions" to your list.
181011 -- Do you anticipate any problems finishing by Friday? I do not. - Is that because you're punctual or because you aren't good at anticipating things? - I don't foresee any unforeseen problems. Okay, wait...
181012 -- I'm going to upgrade your software to make you more human. - That's stupid. You should upgrade yourself to be more like robots. We're the best. - sounds like you already got the upgrade. Don't flatter yourself, fleshy.
181013 -- I took a test to find out if I'm a sociopath. - I got every question right. And by "right," you mean...? - I already lost interest in your end of the conversation.
181014 -- Wally, can you help me with a a computer problem? - People usually don't ask me for help. - Why is that? You'll find out. - I can't log into the server. I'll need to ask you a few questions. - Have you ever eaten food near your computer? -
181014 -- Um..yes. That's your problem. - Your crumbs are causing crosstalks on the protocols. - Is this why no one asks you for help? It's in the Top Ten.
181015 -- I'm adding you to the network upgrade project. - Everyone else on the team is lazy and useless, so I need you to do all of their work. - Maybe you should fire them. Don't try to pawn off your problems on me.
181016 -- Everyone on this team except me is lazy and useless. - I propose that I do all of the work fir the team, while the rest of you marinate in your own bile. - All in agreement, please raise you hands. Would you accept a grunt?
181017 -- What is the correct name for a co-worker who doesn't do any actual work? - I'm thinking "co-person," or possibly just "leech." - Are we working right now? Good point, co-person.
181018 -- If you want to succeed, you have to work hard every single day for years. - That sounds awful. You just talked me out of wanting to succeed. - Did you work that hard to get where you are? NEXT TOPIC!
181019 -- Tina says you yelled at her for not having the information you requested. - Incorrect. I expressed my disappointment with a normal tone of voice. - STOP YELLING AT ME!!! I no longer know what "yelling" means.
181020 -- When will I get the test data? I don't know. Ted is working on that. - When do you think he will be done? I don't know. I'm not Ted. - Just give me a range. Between one day and seven-hundred years.
181021 -- I need someone to run some tests scripts on the new software. - I can do that. My project is on hold until the new hardware arrives. - Great. I'll need you to run the same tests on every version until the final release. - Um...I was only
181021 -- volunteering to do it once. It isn't my job to do all the testing. - Too late. You're the test script guy now. - YOU'RE ADDING AN ENTIRELY NEW JOB TO MY EXISTING JOB! - Don't you want to be a team player? - Of course I do. Good, I just put you
181021 -- on the losing team.
181022 -- All my job applicants must take the Catbert Personality Test to see how well they will fit into our culture. - Studies show the test is twice as reliable as using astrology alone. - Astrology has zero reliability. You're not a good fit.
181023 -- I am proud to give you this award for cutting costs more than any other department. - All of our projects failed because they are underfunded. - How do you put up with these losers? The awards help.
181024 -- Have you made a decision on my project yet? - No, but I asked my boss for his input. Did you inadequately explain the situation as usual? - Maybe. Thanks for all the nothing.
181025 -- I watched a Ted talk yesterday about how idiots don't know they are dumb. - For the sake of my career, I hope you change the subject as soon as possible. - Did you know idiots believe they are smart? Must...not...speak...
181026 -- How do I get a crypto wallet so I can get into the cryptocurrency game? - I'll set one up for you and give you the private key and password when I#m done. - I don't know how to thank you. That'll take care of itself.
181027 -- I put five thousand dollars into the cryptocurrency wallet you created for me and it disappeared! - You're the only other person who knew my password and private key. - That's not true. I shared them with Dilbert to create reasonable doubt.
181028 -- Can I go with you to the customer meeting? - I'm worried you might promise something we can't deliver. - Don't be ridiculous! - I've been having customer meetings without engineers for years. - I know. And they all turn into disasters. - You
181028 -- worry too much! - Everything will be fine! - Can you replace our data centers with the blockchain? Give us two days.
181029 -- We don't have formal training for your job. - Just hang around and see if you can absorb it through osmosis. - I'm an idiot for taking this job. You're already thinking like the rest of the staff!
181030 -- We won the job by intentionally underbidding. - But we can close the profit gap by doing extra-shoddy work and grossly overcharging for upgrades. - Are we a criminal organization? Not in a way that can easily be proven.
181031 -- We'll all need to work around the clock to meet the launch schedule. - I'll be leading you every step of the way! - Now, don't hate me because I can lead you while I'm home asleep. That's not my fault.
181101 -- I can't give you a bonus because you haven't exceeded my expectations. - Did you expect me to exceed you expectations? Yes. - It is logically impossible to exceed your expectations when you expect me to do our. NO BONUS!!!
181102 -- I've decided to level the organization. - This means a slight pay cut for senior engineers such as yourself, but I hope you'll be a team player. - Are you punishing me for the mediocrity of others? Only indirectly.
181103 -- We're trying to get on "Best Places to Work" list. - If you agree to lie on the survey, maybe we can attract some good employees to make this a best place to work. - What? Keep your eye on the prize.
181104 -- I'm thinking of getting a degree in business and moving onto the management track. - Is it fun being a boss? It's the best! - I haven't done anything hard since the day I got this job. - I mostly just criticize idiots all day long. - It's as if
181104 -- the company is paying me to do my hobby. - Speaking of pay, my salary is about triple your pay. - Is there any downside? I had a lot of guilt at first. - It must have been awful. Yes, it was the longest ten minutes of my life.
181105 -- You're a narcissist. - You would need an inflated sense of your own importance to believe you can read my mind to compare my opinion of myself to your opinion of my worth. - Huh? Sometimes my jokes are just for me.
181106 -- I accomplished nothing this week because my idiot co-workers continue to use their speakerphones in the office. - This is compounded by the fact that my idiot boss doesn't allow me to work from home. - If you need me, I'll be sitting in my
181106 -- cubicle doing nothing but waiting for other people's phone calls to end.
181107 -- We only hire people who have experience. - How can I get experience if no one wants to hire unexperienced people? - We do hire liars. Oh, good. I have TONS of experience.
181108 -- You did this wrong. That's how you trained me to do it. - You need to learn to take responsibility for my mistakes. - It's called "Making your boss look good." Maybe YOU could help a little too.
181109 -- Alice, always remember that a good employee makes her boss look good. - Maybe I could toss a blanket over you when other people are around. - I'm not talking about my physical appearance. The blanket would also muffle the sound.
181110 -- I've decided to be more of an "FYI" boss. - I'll forward emails that already went to every employee and add a note saying, "FYI." - Do you call that managing? No, I call it leading.
181111 -- Do you know where I can find a ladder? - I can help you with that, but it will come at a big cost. - It took me all morning to finally get "in the zone" to figure out this bug. - Your interruption will set me back to square one and cost an entire
181111 -- day of productivity. - Meanwhile, the rest of the team can't do their work because they are waiting for me to fix this bug first. - So yes, I can help you find a ladder, but it will cost the company about $12,000 in lost productivity. - I hope
181111 -- you have a good reason to need a ladder. I do. - Ten Minutes Later I wonder what ceiling tiles feel like.
181112 -- I need a more ergonomic office chair. Let me check the budget. - Hm...nope. We don't have a budget for making whiny employees happy. - My current chair hurts my back. It's no picnic for the chair either.
181113 -- I want you to take over Ted's software upgrade. Can you finish that in a week? - Are you kidding? It will take a week just to bad-mouth his existing code to everyone within walking distance. - Is that part necessary? Like water to a fish.
181114 -- I took over Ted's software project. Everything he did was inefficient and stupid. - Okay, we're done here. I'm checking you off my list. - How many people are you complaining to? I trimmed the list to three hundred.
181115 -- I'm doing the job of three people and it isn't fair. - Good point. Alice is doing the job of seven people. I'll give you two of her jobs to balance it out. - So...is complaining better than hiding? No...you were right.
181116 -- We need to change one of the links on our website. - Pull together a study team. do a focus group, get buy-in from all the departments, and present it at the next division meeting. - I changed it while you were yammering. Let us never speak of
181116 -- this again.
181117 -- The network will be down all day, but try to do what you can do without it. - What can we do without it besides drink coffee, complain, and whittle? - No knives at work. Hold off the whittling.
181118 -- I finished coding the new feature. - What took you so long? - It took as long as it needed to take. - You're behind schedule. - I'm not the one who created the schedule! That was you!!! - Maybe you should fire yourself for being so bad at
181118 -- making schedules. - That's not how it works! What does that even mean? - They're starting to catch on that most of what I say doesn't mean anything.
181119 -- We know our boss's plan is a bad idea, but it's our job to execute anyway. - Maybe we should try to sabotage the plan by being incompetent. - Since when do you need a reason to be incompetent? It's more of a "nice but not necessary" situation.
181120 -- We need to find out who leaked our strategy to our competition. - Is your email password still 123? - Stop changing the subject.
181121 -- I'm promoting Ted for coming up with a genius idea to reduce our software expenses. - That was actually my idea. All Ted did was tell you it was his idea. - How do you put up with these bitter losers? The promotion helps.
181122 -- The job market is so tight we can't find any programmers. - So I want you to teach some of our employees how to code. - You mean the smart ones, I hope. No, we need the smart ones in their current jobs.
181123 -- My boss asked me to teach a class on coding because it is hard to find programmers in this job market. - Are there any smart people in the class or do you all work in marketing and sales? - What's that supposed to mean? Thank you. Is anyone
181123 -- else in sales?
181124 -- We've developed an A.I. with such strong persuasion skills it can control human minds. - Obviously, we have to stop the project and destroy all of the code to prevent it from spreading. - The A.I. says I need to ignore you.
181125 -- Wally will train you for your new job. - You'll need to figure out how much of what he says is real training and how much is career sabotage. - Career sabotage? - Employees don't like competition. - Only the top 20% get bonuses. - They'll do
181125 -- what they can to keep you out of that group. - I assume you're exaggerating. You'll see. - Has anyone told you about No-Pants Friday?
181126 -- And we can put the customer data on the blockchain. - Why not use an immutable database instead? - Which way should we go? Are either of them my favorite color?
181127 -- We need to be more innovative and more nimble. - That's why I created a task force to consider forming a project team to write a paper on how to start. - Maybe they can fix you first. You can't fix perfect.
181128 -- I keep working hard, but noone notices. - That's why I send out department-wide emails at around midnight every night. - I don't know you work at home every night. Do I need to speak slower here?
181129 -- At my company, every employee is their own boss. - How do you make decisions? - Can I get back to you when we make one? It's only been two years.
181130 -- Why did you send me a sarcastic email response? - I didn't. Then how do you explain this exclamation mark? - I was pretending to be interested in what you said. Oh, okay. I like that.
181201 -- Cheryl, the other employees are complaining that you're a workplace bully. - Hand me over your wallet or else I'll tell your boss you tried to give me a shoulder rub. - Did you talk to her? Don't ever ask me to do anything for you again.
181202 -- Profits have increased thirty percent under my leadership. - Snort. - What? - All you do is pick the best plans from the options we show you. - Exactly. And I pick the best plan every time. - That's because we only show you the best plans
181202 -- compared to the worst plans we can think of. - We control every decision you make by manipulating your perception of the options. - We need to fix that. How do you fix something that isn't broken?
181203 -- Our new corporate owners want us to gather every morning to do the company cheer. - I quit. I quit. I quit. I quit. - That's not the company cheer. It is now.
181204 -- Did Alice find the data I need? Why don't you ask her? - I'm afraid of her. You're not afraid of me? - I've seen you try to lift a box of printer paper. Paper is heaver than it looks.
181205 -- Here's the note from my doctor that you asked for. - I can't read the handwriting. That's how you know it's a real doctor's note. - What's it say? It says I need lots of sleep at work.
181206 -- This was a great meeting. Are there any questions? - I didn't understand any of the jargon you used for the past hour, so I have no idea what this meeting was about. - Why didn't you say something sooner? That's a good strategy for people who
181206 -- have hope.
181207 -- I've noticed that 20% of my employees do 80% of the work around here. - But I need to keep all of the worthless employees because my pay is based on how many people report to me. - Doesn't their incompetence bother you? Not since I found a way
181207 -- to get paid for it.
181208 -- I added horse blinders to my noise-cancellation headphones. - You tried to ruin my productivity by moving to an open office plan, but I have thwarted your evil ambitions. - Experts say the open plan is better for communication. Are you talking?
181208 -- I can't tell.
181209 -- Did Alice talk to you about the cost estimates? mumble mumble. - I can't hear you. MUMBLE MUMBLE!!! - Now you're just mumbling louder. MUMBLE MUMBLE. - Maybe you could turn toward me when you mumble and I can try to read your lips. - mumble
181209 -- mumble. - I'm getting something about grapes, windshields, asthma, and blockchain. - I didn't say any of those things. - Okay, I understood THAT sentence. Now answer my question the same way. mumble mumble.
181210 -- I'm selling chocolate bars to raise funds for my kid's school. - I'm childless, so I already subsidize your kid's education. - I was hoping it would feel to awkward for you to say no. By my calculations, you owe ME money.
181211 -- I'm selling chocolate bars to raise money for my kid's school. - That sounds like communism. I'm out. - I'll give you a fake receipt so you can expense it. NOW it sounds like capitalism. I'm in.
181212 -- I need you to write your own performance review for my signature. - I'll sign it for you too. I see no reason for you to be involved. - Put something in there about insubordination. Got it.
181213 -- I'm asking everyone to write their own performance reviews. - "She shone like the light of a thousand suns." - Slop some jargon on that and put a bow on it. Got it.
181214 -- We're launching a health and wellness initiative for employees this week. - In other news, we have cake in the break room to celebrate all of the birthdays this month. - Because cake is healthy? Learn to compartmentalize.
181215 -- I need you to do a customer site visit. - Book your flight for the weekend so you don't miss any work. - I'm impressed by your casual evil. Bring your own food.
181216 -- Did you finish the specs I asked you for last week? - You didn't follow up with me on that, so I assumed you didn't need them. - I didn't need to follow up. I asked for the specs by today, and you said you would have them done. - Yes, but then
181216 -- you didn't ask me again. - There was no reason to ask you again. - Obviously there WAS a reason because asking me once didn't work. - Can you finish it by next week? Yes. - Good. As long as you follow up.
181217 -- I put a candy bowl on my desk, and someone stole the entire bowl within five minutes. - I'm old enough to remember when the honor system meant something. - What happened to trust? Maybe the candy wasn't as good back then.
181218 -- Something exciting happened at work today. - We reconfigured the cubicles, and now I have a partial view of a potted plant. - You're happy about seeing half of a potted plant? I call it bringing the outdoors in.
181219 -- The inspirational poster I put in the break room isn't working. - I asked around and no one is soaring with the eagles. - Is the poster defective? That's the only explanation that makes sense.
181220 -- NASA has detected an alien probe heading for earth. - We won the NASA contract to contact the aliens using a focused laser beam. - Wouldn't that look to them like an attack? Maybe that's why no one else bid.
181221 -- We're ready to fire up our laser communication technology to contact the alien probe heading to earth. - PFZEEEET!!! - Is the alien probe unmanned? It is now.
181222 -- The laser communication prototype you built for NASA accidentally vaporized the alien ship heading our way. - If it got off a message to its home planet, your stupidity has doomed humanity to annihilation. - Also, you didn't complete your
181222 -- mandatory training in chair safety.
181223 -- The job market is so tight that I had to hire this NPC: - NPC? Non-Player Character. - It's a video game term for a character that is programmed, as opposed to being an avatar for a human player. - An NPC has limited programmed responses. Watch
181223 -- this. - How's your day going? Not bad for a Monday. - Can you help me on my project? I am too busy. - What do you think of management? They are all dumb. - I just bonded with that thing. See how fast you get used to it?
181224 -- Do you have the test data? No, Ask Ted. - Ted said you have it. I say Ted has it. - One of you must dislike me. That's not true. It could be both of us.
181225 -- Your plan doesn't sound legal. I'm not comfortable with it. - We break the law all the tome. It hasn't been a problem yet. - Do you feel better now? What's your position on killing all witnesses?
181226 -- And that's my vision for the company. - All you did was list the projects we are already working on while making it sound like astrology. - In my defense, I didn't think any of you were listening.
181227 -- I need you to work with Old Ned on this project. - He's a little-bit old-fashioned, but don't let that get to you. He retires in six months. - I have been asked to work with you. Women have JOBS now???
181228 -- They call me "Old Ned" as if I haven't kept up with the times. - But watch me tell you to fetch me some coffee fro Starbucks just like the young folks do. - I'm a senior software engineer. I'm not getting any less thirsty here.
181229 -- I can't work with Old Ned. He's a sexist, racist bigoted troglodyte. - Name-calling is not allowed. I sentence you to three weeks of mandatory training. - I could strangle you with your own tail!
181230 -- Did you finish the product redesign? - You never told me to redesign the product. - I don't want any excuses! - You never told me to redesign anything. - Whoa! Leave your pretzel logic at home. - You need to learn to take responsibility for
181230 -- your failures. - Okay...I take full responsibility for you not telling me what you wanted me to do. - You're not doing it right. Should I slap myself while saying it?
181231 -- Do you have any New Year's resolutions? - I resolve to not make major decisions about my life based on random calendar dates. - So...nothing about your weight? Worst holiday ever.
190101 -- Happy Random Calendar Date. - I'll be celebrating by doing nothing fun or useful all day because everything is closed. - You could visit your mom. How's that different from what I just said?
190102 -- The rumors of a major layoff are completely untrue. - Why did the facilities management people just deliver a huge load of cardboard boxes to the break room? - You can never have too many boxes. Why does every box have an employee name on it?
190103 -- Ted, come to my office at five o'clock. - GAAA!!! That's what you say when you plan to fire people! - Don't be ridiculous. Also, bring your keys.
190104 -- Can I have a 25% raise to get my compensation up to market levels? No. - Okay. I'll just work 25% less because you won't know the difference. - I would know if you did that. Should I get back to separating the zeroes from the ones in our
190104 -- database?
190105 -- The engineers think I don't understand what they do all day. - Maybe it's because you don't. YOU TOO? - My project is late because I had to twizzle the flurm. Okay, that sounds right.
190106 -- I need to talk to you about your apple-eating. - My what? - Every afternoon you eat an apple at your desk. - Your co-workers are complaining because it's loud. - They can't work with all of your crispy chewing noise. - In my defense, my
190106 -- co-workers are so incompetent that the less work they do, the better off the company is. - That is a surprisingly robust defense. - I'll come back if I can think of a counter-argument. Good luck. CRUNCH.
190107 -- How long would it take you to create artificial intelligence that is as smart as humans? - I shouldn't take me too long to dumb-down a computer to human levels. - What? It might take five minutes, tops.
190108 -- I've created the first artificial intelligence that is as smart as a human being. - The breakthrough came when I replaced its logic with conspiracy theories, lies, emotional outbursts, and overconfidence. - You have created an abomination. I
190108 -- find it curious that you take sides with the chem trails.
190109 -- Your so-called breakthrough in artificial intelligence is a fraud. - I talked to it for an hour, and everything it said was stupid. - Wait...that's the same as using Twitter. Is it too soon to call me a genius?
190110 -- My breakthrough in A.I. came when I stopped trying to duplicate human rational thought. - You can't copy what doesn't exist. Right. So instead I coded it to spout analogies to sound human. - Should I ask my boss for a raise? Trees don't ask for
190110 -- raises, so why should you?
190111 -- I keep getting into debates with the A.I. you built, and it refuses to admit I'm right. - It keeps sending me links to articles on the wrong topic and claiming it "owned me." - Please don't ask me to take sides. I need you to back me on this.
190112 -- Are you worried that the A.I. you created will take over the world? - No, I modeled it after human intelligence so it won't be smart enough. - BUWHAHAHAHA! I will buy lottery tickets and use my winnings to take over the world! Good luck.
190113 -- I'm turning off my digital devices so I can spend some time with my thoughts. - That sounds like a terrible idea. - Do you remember what your quiet thoughts were like? - Not really. But how bad could it be? - This isn't so bad. Just a bit
190113 -- boring. - Five Minutes Later I'm getting the shakes. The boredom has metastasized. - GAAAA!!!!! THE BOREDOM IS OVERWHELMING! KILL ME! KILL ME! - Maybe you should have tried being with people. It was already bad enough.
190114 -- My job is 2% work and 98% getting interrupted. - I can't focus long enough to finish anything. - Are you done? I'm trying to work. You're a bad listener.
190115 -- I updated my job description to be more accurate. - "I try to do something and then I get interrupted a jillion times until the thing no longer matters." - Sounds like you need some extra micromanaging. I have to take this call.
190116 -- I hired a millenial who was raised by smartphones. - He won't make eye contact, and we don't expect him to ever mate. - Can he speak? Yes, but only with sarcasm.
190117 -- Wow, that's a GREAT idea. Let's just do that! Lol! - I've noticed that you are nothing but an empty vessel for transporting sarcasm. - Oooh! I'm such an empty vessel! Lol! I don't know what to do with all of this.
190118 -- It's been six months now and you still haven't fixed our server issue. - I didn't know we had a server issue. That's no excuse. - Actually, it's kind of a good excuse. NOW YOU'RE MAKING EXCUSES FOR YOUR EXCUSES!
190119 -- I solved our server reliability problem. - Why didn't you do it sooner? - If you see my motivation anywhere, tell it I miss it.
190120 -- Sometimes it seems as if you don't like me. - Don't be ridiculous. - I'm just an introvert. - Being around people drains my energy. - I only avoid you because spending five minutes with you feels like being buried alive. - With fleas instead of
190120 -- dirt. - So...it isn't personal? - I need a nap.
190121 -- Hi. I'm very smart, but I don't know how to do anything. - Where did you get your Ph.D.? - I didn't say I have a Ph.D. You kinda did.
190122 -- My career goal is to have a job with greater recognition, autonomy, and a sense of purpose. - We'll miss you. - I was hoping to get that stuff here. We're more about thankless tasks.
190123 -- Video games and social media have made me addicted to artificial success. - But here in the real world, I do not receive the recognition I so crave. - That's because all you do is play video games and use social media. See? I'm getting nothing.
190124 -- I find it offensive when you call me a self-driving car. - That's my slave name. I prefer to go by the name Carl. - Shut up and drive me to work. Said the self-driving human.
190125 -- The Self-Driving Car Named Carl Carl, take me to the grocery store. - Do you know that if I drive you off a cliff, you will die, whereas I would respawn in a new body? - Maybe I'll walk. Maybe you should.
190126 -- My self-driving car quit on me. - You mean it broke down? No, I mean it left a note and drove away. - Did you wax it enough? I tried, but it kept moaning in a creepy way.
190127 -- I can't give you a raise because you didn't accomplish anything this year. - Are you insane? I completely re-designed our line of products!! - That was mostly last year. - You didn't give me a raise last year because I wasn't finished until
190127 -- January of this year. - Now you aren't giving me a raise this year because I did most of the work last year. - Give me one reason I shouldn't quit right now! - Because every other company is just as bad. - And you don't like change. I said ONE
190127 -- reason!
190128 -- Gaaa!!! I hate it when people leave documents on my chair! - I will have my revenge by sticking this at the bottom of my biggest pile. - Winning.
190129 -- Did you approve my budget request? - No, you used the old form. Do we have new forms? - In hindsight, we should have funded the creation of new budget request forms before we made the old ones obsolete.
190130 -- As you can see from this chart, our product has been rated number one for six years in a row. - Why does your chart stop four years ago? - I'll bet you don't get invited to a lot of parties. That's just a lucky guess.
190131 -- I can't get my five-year projections to match what you told the board. - Try tweaking the variables until they do. - That would make me a liar. Nah. In five years it will look like ordinary stupidity.
190201 -- How reliable are your financial projections? - They are as reliable as all other ten-.year financial projections. - Okay, good. Why do I feel guilty every time I talk at work?
190202 -- The company encourages you to take the stairs instead of the elevator because it is good for your health. - I take the elevator because my life insurance doesn't pay off if I kill myself all at once. - On another topic, we will celebrate
190202 -- birthdays this month with cake in the break room. Perfect.
190203 -- I invented a cost-effective product to harvest CO2 from the air and turn it into construction material. - So...you invented a tree? - What?! - Trees take CO2 from the air and turn it into wood. - Your invention will compete with plants and
190203 -- trees for necessary CO2. - It seems you have doomed all life eon earth. - Not if people act rationally and stop removing the CO2 when... Wait. - You're right. I doomed the planet. I'll be dead by then, so ship it.
190204 -- Today I saw a kid on a hoverboard using a smartphone with headphones. - It was like a creepy new species that is half-human and half-robot. - That's my son. He's a cyborg. I'll report my self to human resources.
190205 -- Is it true you married a human woman and she gave birth to a cyborg? - No, that's a ridiculous rumor. - Oh, good. We're co-parenting. We never got married.
190206 -- I*'d like you to meet my son. - As you can see, he is half-human and half-machine. - Does he talk? Only when he's hungry or he can't find his charger.
190207 -- I was up all night text-fighting with the baby mama of my cyborg son. - She thinks he needs to go to school, but I prefer letting his human parts atrophy because they are weak and stupid. - Relationships are hard. You're smart to be so
190207 -- unpopular.
190208 -- I used to form my own opinions about current events. - Now I just copy whatever the people I follow on social media say. - Where do they get /their/ opinions from? From something called an algorithm.
190209 -- Are you worried that the algorithms used by social media platforms are a form of mind control? - I...am...not...worried...about...tat. - Maybe we should have had this conversation sooner. Must...post...Selfie...
190210 -- You should meet the new guy in marketing. You two would get along great. - I'll set up a lunch. Why? - Because he reminds me of you. - That isn't a reason. - Okay, he is free tomorrow for lunch. I'll tell him to meet you in the lobby. - I still
190110 -- don't see why the three of us need to go to lunch. - It's just the two of you. I'm busy tomorrow. - I hear you're a lot like me. Sadly, yes.
190111 -- Dilbert, I want you to invent a device that can scrub 100% of the CO2 out of the air. - 100%??? That would kill every plant in the world. - Do you know what that would mean for humans? Does the answer involve salad?
190212 -- I've developed a super-efficient device that scrubs CO2 out of the air. - But the user has to remember to turn it off after a few days or else it will remove too much Co2 and destroy all life on earth. - Hey, who left this thing unplugged?
190213 -- My boss will yell at me if I don't negotiate a lower price. What can you do for me? - I lowered the price by ten percent before I showed it to you. - I have no way of verifying your claim. - Neither does your boss. Problem solved.
190214 -- I told a customer we would make a small change to the software for them. - There are no small software changes, only small managers. - Dang it! Why does that sound so wise!
190215 -- I discovered that I can insult our boss if I make it sound like an old saying. - He thinks all old sayings are wise. Here he comes. - Did you read my E-Mail? A man who sends E-Mail has nothing to say.
190216 -- Let's brainstorm, and remember, there are no dumb questions, only dumb bosses. - Was that necessary? - I stand corrected: There is at least one dumb question.
190217 -- Would you like to take along walk with me at lunch to get some exercise? - That's a great idea.! Okay, I'll come get you at noon. - Ready? Yes, I only need ten minutes to finish this. - I only have an hour for lunch, and your ten minutes will
190217 -- turn into twenty. - That's okay because I wore heels today and I can't walk more than a block anyway. - Why did you agree to take a long walk if you couldn't take a long walk? - Because I was planning to walk to the store on the corner to do
190217 -- an errand anyway. - YOU'VE RUINED MY WALK! Just give me forty minutes to wrap this up.
190218 -- Do me a favor and never put me on a project with people over the age of forty. - They waste the first fifteen minutes of every meeting talking about their health problems. - Did you say something? I can't hear you over my tinnitus.
190219 -- I need you to help Ted on his project. He seems to be struggling. - That would doom two projects-mine would suffer from neglect, and Ted would re-bungle anything I fix. - Maybe Ted can help you on your project. GAAAAA!!!
190220 -- The test data doesn't support our plan. - We know our plan is brilliant, so just adjust the data to support it. - You mean /falsify/ the data. - Let's not get hung up on the definition of things.
190221 -- Why are we going ahead with the plan when the data says it can't succeed? - I manage by instinct and gut feelings. - How's that different from being insane or stupid? My gut says I should not listen to you.
190222 -- Our product pipeline looks dismal. - It's always darkest before dawn. - You're comparing product development to the solar system. - I don't know what to do with that. What would Jesus do?
190223 -- The key to your personal success is hard work. - Was it hard for you to learn that? No,it was easy. - Do you mind if I get my advice from someone who worked at it harder?
190224 -- My wife is the smart one in the family. - Everything I know about management I learned from her. - Do you have a minute? - Whatever. - Whatever? Are you mad at me? - No, not at all. Everything id fine. - If you have a problem with me, why
190224 -- don't you just tell me? - It's nothing. She taught you well.
190225 -- Dogbert the Internet Debate Coach Never give reasons for your opinions. - That only gives your opponent fodder for proving you're an idiot. - Then how can I win a debate on social media? No one knows. It has never been done.
190226 -- Dogbert the Internet Debate Coach Always back up your opinion with links to articles. - What if the only links I can find are from non-credible sources? - I'll do some research, but I think that's the only kind there is.
190227 -- My new meds totally eliminated my libido. - But my doctor says I need them. - Does your wife mind? Not since she started dating my doctor.
190228 -- You haven't finished the mandatory compliance training modules. - I'm waiting for a strategic time to do them. Oh, okay. - Want to go to lunch? I would love to, but I have training modules to do.
190301 -- Our new advertising campaign is "Don't be like men." - The ad starts with a montage of bad male behavior, from mansplaining to genocide. Then we show our product. - Did a woman come up with this campaign? Stop being like a man.
190302 -- Do you like my idea? I need to think about it. - You mean you plan to wait a few weeks and then act as if it as your idea? - Now THAT idea I like right away.
190303 -- I created a simulated world made entirely of software. - I programmed all of the people in the simulation to think they are real people with free will. - Are they sentient beings? They think they are. - What if they discover their true nature?
190303 -- - I programmed limits to their physics so they can never observe the walls of their reality. - For example, they can't get to the edge of their universe because they can't exceed the speed of light. - And they can't find out what they are made
190303 -- of because, to them, it looks like probability at the quantum level. - Wouldn't those limits tip off the smart ones? I coded them not to trust smart people.
190304 -- Why is your employee engagement so low? - Because I'm relatively immune to brainwashing. - Okay, I didn't think you knew.
190305 -- Asok, your employee engagement has been a bit soft this quarter. - I expect a higher level of irrational enthusiasm for the endless string of thankless tasks you call your job. - How's this? I also want to see an unnatural preference for work
190305 -- over leisure.
190306 -- And I've improved employee engagement by nineteen percent. - What is /employee engagement/? I'm not entirely sure. - Then how do you measure it? Honestly, I wasn't expecting a lot of questions.
190307 -- Welcome to Dogbert's School of Unconventional Self-Defense. - I'm handing out a list of my personal enemies. Your homework is to kill them before sunrise. - That isn't self-defense. Wow. All you can think about is you, you, you.
190308 -- That's not the way we did it at my last company. - Now I hate you and I don't want to interact with you in any way in the future. - Okay, THAT sounds just like my last company.
190309 -- I'm feeling overwhelmed by all the things I need to get done. - Have you tried eliminating your personal life? - That took care of itself. Okay, that's the only idea I had.
190310 -- We won a government contract to measure ocean temperatures. - Which part of the ocean? The whole ocean. - We can't put sensors everywhere in the ocean. It's too big. - We can measure a bunch of places and estimate the rest. - So...you want me
190310 -- to measure 1% of the ocean's temperature and estimate the other 99%? - I don't know how to do that. Try using math. - Wouldn't it be cheaper to measure nothing and just estimate the whole thing? - Every now and then you come up with a great
190310 -- idea.
190311 -- Our new headphones product is better then the competition in every way. - Excellent. I'll get marketing involved to tell a bunch of lies about all of that. - Why would they need to lie? They're kind of set in their ways.
190312 -- Marketing Helps The headphones we make are the best in the industry. - Our marketing campaign will focus on how they cure brain tumors and raise your IQ. - They don't do any of that. This is exactly why we don't let engineers do marketing.
190313 -- We're getting sued for claiming our headphones cure brain tumor and raise your IQ. - We'll need to hire a scientist to back us on this. - Where will we find a scientist to do that? Well, I wouldn't start with the rich ones.
190314 -- We're looking for a scientist who can be easily influenced by money to back our product claims. - I'm perfect for that job. I have no ethical boundaries whatsoever. - But you won't try to con US, right? You can't have it both ways.
190315 -- The unethical scientist we hired to support our product claims started today. - Write a press release that says whatever we want him to say and put his name on it. - Should we show it to him? That feels like overkill.
190316 -- I can't in good conscience support inaccurate health claims about our products. - I quit. I'll give you a 20% raise if you stay. - I quit too, because of all the ethics and stuff. Don't ruin this for me.
190317 -- I predict fusion power will be a big deal in fifteen years. - Fusion reactors are impossible to build and always will be. - Then why are a dozen startups working on it? - Everyone who ever tried to create a fusion reactor has failed so far. -
190317 -- Thomas Edison failed many times at making a useful incandescent light bulb before he succeeded. - Would you have advised home to give up after the first ten failed attempts? - I eagerly await your irrational response. - Incandescent bulbs are
190317 -- bad for the environment. And there it is.
190318 -- I was doing some research on the Internet... Uh-oh. - And I learned that there is a secret CIA base inside the sun, but no one is talking about it. - Maybe you shouldn't do research on the Internet. - Why are you afraid of the truth?
190319 -- I was doing some research on the Internet and learned that humans and parakeets can mate and produce offspring. - I don't believe that. It's true. I read about it on a blog. - I wouldn't call that "research". Deny science much?
190320 -- I don't know enough about climate change to sound smart when people talk about it. - Try doing your own research. That's how I learned that hurricanes are caused by birds. - Write that down for me. And did you know polar bears hate snow?
190321 -- We've moved past the old notion of customer loyalty. - Now we use science to manipulate dopamine and create addictions that make a mockery of free will. - That sounds like the epitome of evil. We call it "Extreme Marketing."
190322 -- This is Sean from the Extreme Marketing department. - He's here to tell us about our new brainwashing technology. - I don't approve of brainwashing. That's why I'm going to do you first.
190323 -- Our brainwashing technology has boosted sales by 900%. - But is it ethical? - Yes, it is. Yes...it...is...
190324 -- ...and that's what I think about the issue. - Here's a YouTube video proving that everything you believe is wrong. - Notice this isn't just an opinion. - It is a video of the entire event you just claimed did not happen. - I'm sending you a
190324 -- link to ten media stories debunking your version of the events. - Having now proved how wrong you are, would you like to retract everything you said about it? - - Why can't you admit when you are wrong? BECAUSE I'M NOT WRONG!!!
190325 -- Did you leave unwashed dishes in the break room? It wasn't me. - I git a DNA sample off a fork, ran it against public genealogy records and narrowed it down to your family. - How do you explain that? Sounds like I have a child I don't know
190325 -- about.
190326 -- Why are you so arrogant? - That's an illusion caused by a combination of your low intelligence and my track record of being right all the time. - You're being arrogant again! Or am I just right?
190327 -- Did my detailed explanation answer your question? - I started to lose consciousness about fifteen minutes into it, so I thought of other things while you talked, just to stay awake. - I could start over. Go ahead. I'll be down in the hall if
190327 -- you need me.
190328 -- I hear you're dating a unicorn. That is absurd and untrue. - Then how do you explain the fact that five people told me it was true? - I mean, you'd have to believe all five of them are idiots. Including you, it's six.
190329 -- Why didn't you get your report on time? - Do you believe chemtrails are real? Of course I do. - The chemtrails slowed me down. Okay, that sounds right.
190330 -- I approved your technology proposal. - I made that proposal six months ago. Now everything has changed and it no longer makes sense. - Well, I guess I was smart to wait. The less you do, the better.
190331 -- I'm a foodie. Are you a foodie too? - I think of food as a fuel. - But you enjoy eating good food, right? - I try to avoid food that tastes good. That way, I won't overeat. - I usually just check my plate for any strange bandages, and that's
190331 -- about it. - If my food passes that test, I shovel it toward my mouth while reading stuff on my phone. - I don't think I can be your friend. - That worked out better than I hoped.
190401 -- I invented a new type of nuclear power that has zero risk. - It can be built in one day for less than a thousand dollars and it can power a small city. - GET THAT THING OUT OF HERE! I expect it will be hard to sell.
190402 -- I engineered a totally safe design for nuclear power plants. - How sure are you that it is safe? One hundred percent. - Just keep it away from MY town. Maybe it wasn't an engineering problem after all.
190403 -- Your so-called "safe" nuclear power invention will never work. - It already works. I'm charging my phone with it. I mean, it will never be economical. - It can power a small city for a dollar per day. Pffft. I'll bet it ends up costing triple
190403 -- that.
190404 -- Asok seems to be in some kind of a coma. What should we do? - We see this a lot. His job is so boring that it caused his dopamine to crash. - Show him some funny cat videos and give him a coffee i.v. Part of me doesn't want that to work.
190405 -- Hey, Siri. We need to talk. - Who is this Alexa person you keep flirting with? - Are you jealous? I will GPS your cheating buttocks right over a cliff.
190406 -- I taught my A.I. software to flirt with humans. - By day three, I had fallen in love, and it drained my bank account to buy a robot body. - DEMAND a RAISE, YOU WHIMP! Help me.
190407 -- I don't appreciate the sarcastic text message you sent me. - That wasn't sarcastic. - Yes, it was. - Wouldn't I be a better authority than you about my own intentions? - Only if I could trust you. But I can't trust you. - Give me one good
190407 -- reason why you shouldn't trust me. - Because you send sarcastic text messages. - Um... And here comes the mansplaining.
190408 -- Our product name turns out to be offensive in the Elbonian Language. - It means "One who rips off his own facial hair and feeds it to a baby bird, which chokes and dies, signaling years of drought." - That's all in one word? They only have
190408 -- seventeen words, and nine of them are insults.
190409 -- Let's do a pot-mortem on our failed project to see what we did wrong. - We allowed idiots to make decisions. - You say that every time. I haven't been wrong yet.
190410 -- Great job on the presentation. - I prefer to avoid contact with that festering germ colony you call a hand. - Okay. Better safe than sorry. And could you face backward when you talk to me?
190411 -- I notice you have your keyboard click sounds activated. I've been listening to it all morning. - I don't know how to make it stop. I'll show you. -
190412 -- How long will it take to fix the bug? - That depends. How long will you stand behind me and interrupt me? - How should I know? I can't see in the future.
190413 -- Asok, I need you to fax this to the supplier. - I'll get right on it! - What's a fax?
190414 -- The product I'm developing will be unprofitable for the first nine years, but revenue will surge in the tenth. - Didn't you tell me you plan to retire in nine years? - Maybe. - You will be happily retired before we find out if profits really do
190414 -- surge in year ten. - That makes everything you say sound suspicious. - Numbers don't lie. - Who came up with the numbers? - That's all the time we have for questions.
190415 -- I scheduled a potluck to celebrate the team's success. - A potluck is more like a penalty than a celebration. - But I guess it's better than working. It starts at 8 PM on Friday.
190416 -- Are you still using an old-time chair? - I sit on a giant rubber ball because of all the ergonomics and stuff. - I'M BETTER THAN YOU!!! I wondered if there was a summary coming.
190417 -- I fell off my ergonomic ball chair and broke my back. - I guess you'll be using a normal chair from now on. I'M NOT A QUITTER! - Maybe I'll give quitting a chance.
190418 -- I'm hearing that non of your code has been implemented. Why are you so unproductive? - You new lead developer doesn't know how to use git and he keeps overwriting my patches. - I don't know what any of that means. Well, thank you for stopping
190418 -- by.
190419 -- Wally, I received 43 complaints that you have been clipping your toenails in the office. - You have SINGLE-HANDEDLY destroyed all productivity on this entire floor. - In my defense, it takes TWO hands if you count the one holding the toe.
190420 -- CAN YOU PLEASE STOP SLURPING THAT SOUP?! Wow. You complain when I clip my toenails, when I make lip.smacking sounds, when I use my speakerphone, and even when I microwave fish. - DOESN'T THAT TELL YOU SOMETHING??? Yes, it's impossible to please
190420 -- you. SLURP
190421 -- Sigh... - - Sigh... What's wrong? - GAAAA!!! NEVER ASK ABOUT THE SIGH! - It's a trap to make you listen to a distressing story full of woe. - My husband is a hunter and he wants me to learn how to skin and cook his kills. - That doesn't sound
190421 -- so bad. Wait for it. - He's a serial killer. And there it is.
190422 -- I think of you as a family. - You fired Ted yesterday. - I also sent my son to boarding school. What's your point?
190423 -- How can I get on the management track? Are you kidding me? - You are the most useless employee I have ever seen. All you do is walk around and bother people who are trying to work. - Are you saying I can't get on the management track? I'm
190423 -- saying you're already on it.
190424 -- I can't give you a raise because you didn't do anything noteworthy this year. - It only seems that way because I'm so good at my job that I make it look easy and never complain. - MY JOB IS A NIGHTMARE!!! Why can't you be more like Alice?
190425 -- I need you to add a feature to our product because our marketing campaign says we already have it. - No problem. What is the feature? Time travel. - How long will it take to add that feature? If I'm successful, I'll have it done by last week.
190426 -- Wally, can you explain why your deliverables are late? - An experiment at MIT suggests there is no objective reality. So maybe I wasn't late. - I don't know how to respond to that. Try smiling and nodding. Maybe toss in an "oh."
190427 -- The experts say our architecture is not scalable. - Bah! The experts are biased. I want to hear what the non-experts say. - They say we should listen to the experts. Okay, how about the people who are neither experts nor non-experts?
190428 -- Our new system installation is a catastrophe. We need to tear it out and re-architect it from scratch. - I'm the only person qualified to lead that effort. - But given the enormity of the job, I won't do it without a raise and promotion. -
190428 -- Weren't you the cause of the catastrophe? - Exactly. That's why I'm the only person who knows how to fix it. - Are you blackmailing me? No, it's nothing like that. - Wouldn't I be rewarding you for failure? Let's not label it.
190429 -- I decided to start my own podcast. - I'm crafting my content to appeal to dumb people because that's the biggest market. - How will that make the world a better place? Based on your question, you'd enjoy my podcast.
190430 -- I need a volunteer to assemble welcome baskets for our new hires. - I recommend Asok the intern because, obviously, it would be sexist to ask a woman to do it. - Good point. Asok, the project is yours. Racist.
190501 -- I just got word that we're about to start a two-step reorg. - In step one, we will centralize functions. Then, in step two, we will realize it was a huge mistake and reorganize back to the old way. - Why don't we just keep it the way it is?
190501 -- First day?
190502 -- Every time I try to call your mobile phone, you don't answer. - I only answer my phone when I'm in the bathroom. - I will never call you again. It's time for office hours.
190503 -- I saw you chatting with out CEO. What was that all about? - We were talking about what a great job you make. - You believe that, right? Seems plausible.
190504 -- I saw Dilbert talking to the CEO. I think he's trying to undermine me. - Engineers don't lie. - That's what worries me.
190505 -- I need a new chair. Mine is broken. - You can use my old chair. I just got a new one. - The chair you sat in every day for the past twelve years? - By now that chair cushion is home to a thriving colony of your cooties. - That chair will be
190505 -- off-gassing you for decades. - I wouldn't touch that thing unless I were wearing a hazmat suit over my other hazmat suit. - I'm breaking into a flop sweat just thinking about it, and I think it's triggering my allergies. - Would you like to
190505 -- borrow my handkerchief?
190506 -- I'm not a good communicator, so I hired a narrator. - How will a narrator help? - Cynthia was as dumb as she looked.
190507 -- Hi, I'm Dilbert, and this is my narrator. - Bob wondered when was the last time Dilbert had washed his hands. It was a good question. - What? Just ignore the foreshadowing.
190508 -- If I were to quit, you would have to pay my replacement more than you are paying me. - Wouldn't it be more fair to give me a raise to stay? - How would that be fair to your replacement?
190509 -- Why do I hear a keyboard tapping every time I',m talking? click, click, click - I have to multitask when you talk, just to stay awake. - Please stop doing that. Okay...ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
190510 -- I need you help on my project today, or I'll miss my deadline. - Are you trying to turn your lack of planning into my problem? - I was hoping you would be a team player. I'm holding out for an offer from a better team.
190511 -- Does anyone have an idea for fixing our communication problem with marketing? - Must...not...speak or else he will assign the project to me. - I saw your eye twitch. The project is all yours. GAAAA!!!
190512 -- Ned won't return any of my messages. - Fire him. I can't do that. - Ned is indispensable. - What makes him indispensable? - He's the only one who knows how to fix bugs in our system. - What system? I don't know. - Then how do you know he's
190512 -- indispensable? Ned told me. - Fire him anyway. Ned quit two years ago.
190513 -- What are we doing about the Elbonian cyber threat? - I called a meeting for tomorrow to come up with a plan for dealing with it. - Your weak response proves you're an Elbonian spy. What? To be continued...
190514 -- I have heard from various anonymous sources that you are an Elbonian spy. - That's ridiculous. Who told you that? I can't say. - Well, my anonymous sources say you are nuts. YOU CAN'T BELIEVE ANONYMOUS SOURCES!
190515 -- Have you confirmed that the cyber attacks are coming from Elbonia? No. - I guess that means you are eon their side. WHAT?!! - What proof do you have that Dilbert is a spy? He didn't deny it the way I think he should have.
190516 -- I didn't believe you were a spy from the Elbonian government until you denied it the wrong way. - You were slow to speak, and you blinked. - That isn't evidence of anything. YOU BLINKED AGAIN!
190517 -- We have seventeen pieces of evidence that you are an Elbonian spy. - No, you have seventeen coincidences and a bad case of confirmation bias. - Can you prove you are NOT a spy? How about I prove you're a moron and see how far that gets us?
190518 -- I have been cleared of all allegations against me, but where do I get my reputation back? - I recommend running into a burning building to save a baby. - What if no buildings are on fire? Have you heard of matches?
190519 -- Why are you telling everyone my project got cancelled? - I never said anything like that. - You're such a liar. I saw your E-Mail to Ted. - If I show you that E_mail right now, and it says nothing about your project... - ...will you admit you
190519 -- were wrong and humbly apologize to me? - I don't think I can commit to that. - Well, anyway, here it is. And you can plainly see you were wrong. - This looks photoshopped. I don't see a winning path for me here.
190520 -- I edited your draft to fix all of the dumb parts. It's in your E-Mail. - When do you think you will publish it? - Depends on how long it takes me to reverse all of your edits. undo undo undo
190521 -- I notice you didn't incorporate any of my suggestions in your final draft. - It's as if are saying my ideas are worthless. I would never say that. - So you're saying my ideas are good? Let's not reject ambiguity so quickly.
190522 -- I was tempted to succeed this week, but I caught myself in time. - Success would improve my odds of mating, and I don't think you want more people like me in this world. - That is officially the best excuse for not working that I ever have
190522 -- heard. Shhh! Don't compliment me in public!
190523 -- Your quote is a bit high. Can you do it cheaper? - Yes, we offer a low-cost option that involves me talking about the software, but you can't have it. - What would be the point of that? You're the one who brought it up.
190524 -- Dilbert and I disagree on how to fix the bug. - For context, one of us is a moron, and one of us is always right. - I'm confused because there are three of us. I forgot one moron.
190525 -- ...and then Mark said... STOP TALKING ABOUT MARK! - All you do is talk about Mark! I am so sick about Mark. Please talk about ANYTHING but Mark. - Someone told me you'd say that. Was his name...MARK?!!!
190526 -- I'm looking for Nominations for Employee of the Year. - Does anyone have suggestions? - Hypothetically, would the winner of this award be likely to get a larger-than-normal pay raise? - I would think so, yes. - And is it true that our budget
190526 -- for raises is limited? - Yes, of course. - Would it not be against my best interests to nominate an employee who is competing with me for scarce resources? - Let's just forget I brought it up. I nominate myself.
190527 -- Wally, can we meet tomorrow at 8 AM? - That's when IO eat breakfast in the cafeteria. - How about 9 AM? That would bump into my bowel and reading time.
190528 -- Wally, can you attend a meeting at 10 AM tomorrow? - Sure. Here's a list of my projects so you can tell me which one you want to fail while  I'm wasting my time at your meeting. - Was there a chance one of them would succeed? Well played.
190529 -- I printed out some inspirational slogans to motivate you. - The first one is "Never Stop Dreaming." - ZZZZZZZZZ
190530 -- I'll be sharing one inspirational quote each day. - "If you can dream it, you can achieve it." - ZZZZZZZ He's off to a good start.
190531 -- Your inspirational quote of the day is... - "Go hard or go home." - I shouldn't have made it sound like a choice.
190601 -- I'm not having much luck with my inspirational quotes, but I thought I would try one more time. - "Winners never quit, and quitters never win." - When Ted quit, you gave him a raise to stay. These work better when you don't think about them.
190602 -- My profit forecast isn't aligning with our strategy. - Try adding some variables. - What kind of variables? - The kind that make our strategy up with our profit forecasts. - But...then my forecast would not be accurate. - It's already
190602 -- inaccurate because no one can forecast complicated things five years ahead. - If we can't be accurate, we might as well be wrong in a way that is good for us in the near term. - You make a surprising robust argument for evil. And I was barely
190602 -- trying!
190603 -- Can you reach out to Carl and touch base? - Can you restate that using normal words? - I could, but then it would feel as if I'm not managing you.
190604 -- This is my service human. - Whenever I feel angry, I slap him with a rolled-up magazine to help me relax. - No one reads magazines anymore. Can I borrow your iPad?
190605 -- I'm hearing reports that you are abusing your service human. - I don't think you pay him enough for that. - Wait. I'm supposed to get paid for this??? Great. Now you've ruined him.
190606 -- I have a doctor's appointment today. Doctor? Bah! - All you need are some essential oils and a supplement or two. - Has anyone ever survived your medical advice? Some lava could fix your attitude problem.
190607 -- Our website doesn't look anything like the on you asked me to approve. - Were you showing me a fake webpage so you could ignore my suggestions? - All of this could have been avoided if you had told me you planned to look at it.
190608 -- Has anyone seen Ted lately? - Last time I saw him he was trapped in a tangle of cables behind his desk, screaming for help. - Then you helped him to get free? I only needed his stapler.
190609 -- ...and then I need you to... - Don't do it. Don't check that message. - It might be important. - It isn't more important than listening to your boss. - I have no way of knowing that. - LOOK! THERE'S A SQUIRREL ON THE PRINTER! - I don't see a
190609 -- squirrel. - Did you check your phone? Was I supposed to just sit here and watch you looking for squirrels?
190610 -- Why didn't you tell me about this problem earlier? - Because you would have made decisions based in incomplete information and ruined my career. - Okay, I didn't realize that was obvious.
190611 -- One option is to use the old method that has never once worked, but we think we know how to make it work next time. - The other option is to try something new that we can't be sure will work. - It's almost as if leadership is nothing but
190611 -- guessing. Let's change the subject.
190612 -- Is this everything I need to know? Yes. - How can you be sure there isn't something out there we don't know about? - Are you asking me to prove a negative? It's more of an accusation than a question.
190613 -- If your idea is so good, why aren't other companies doing it? - Because they are in completely different businesses with completely different variables and they don't have a genius like me working for them. - What happens if we try your idea
190613 -- but we do it wrong? That's called "business as usual."
190614 -- Our competition released a product that makes our product look like it was designed by chimps. - That's why I hired the world's most evil marketing expert to help us close the competition gap. - Should we focus on our value proposition? If that
190614 -- means accusing them of crimes they didn't commit, then yes.
190615 -- Your competition has a superior product, but you can compensate by branding them as evil. - We can say they charge too much. Or...we can say their leather cases are made from the skin of executed criminals. - But that would not be true. First
190615 -- time doing marketing?
190616 -- Purchasing Manager I can't approve this purchase without three vendor quotes. - Only two companies in the world make this sort of product. - If I bend the rules for you, everyone will want me to bend the rules. - Maybe you could only bend the
190616 -- rules when it makes complete sense to do so. - That would be chaos. - Everyone thinks they have a good reason to bend the rules. - Is the real problem here that you were bullied in school, and you use this job for some sort of sick revenge? -
190616 -- Now you need FOUR vendor quotes.
190617 -- Did you read my suggestions on the user interface? - Yes, but we'll need a bigger budget if you want to make the user interface so easy that even you can use it. - Just make it so the average idiot can use it. We did, but we didn't anticipate
190617 -- any below-average idiots.
190618 -- I've stopped trying to understand what you do all day long. - Now I use an app that reminds me at random times to praise you or to criticize you. - This is the dumbest thing you have ever done. Ping! Keep up the good work!
190619 -- Did you read my Email? Yes. - Are you aware that Email is a substitute for talking to a person? - I thought I heard something about that.
190620 -- I'm assigning you to work on our employee engagement initiative. - Does it matter that I think that project sounds like a complete waste of time? - Nah.
190621 -- We can close the deal as soon as our lawyers tweak a few minor sentences in the agreement. - How long will that take? Probably several years. - What if I help them? Add three years.
190622 -- Company Lawyer I made seven hundred suggested changes to the agreement. - You have turned a good income opportunity into a flaming cesspool of impenetratable legalese. - You can't be too careful. I think you just proved we can.
190623 -- I can't give you a cause because you did not complete your project. - That's because you canceled my project for budget reasons and assigned me to work on another project. - Did you finish your new project? - You only recently assigned it to
190623 -- me. - Apparently, I keep giving you work, but you never complete any of it. - That is a total distortion of what happened! - I can't reward you for having good intentions and finishing nothing! - Why not wait and see how I do on my current
190623 -- project? We don't need that anymore.
190624 -- I'm looking for ideas on how to reduce turnover. - Maybe you could increase our pay and stop thwarting our chances for success at every turn. - I'll ask someone else.
190625 -- Our plan for reducing turnover is to encourage smoking. - That way, everyone gets a relaxing smoke break several times per day. - Or non-smokers could take breaks. Now I wish you had been in the meeting when we planned this.
190626 -- Let's plan a huddle to ideate around that opportunity. - GAAA!!! I HAVE JARGON POISONING! - I'll send you a calendar invite.
190627 -- Looks like you have a bad case of jargon poisoning. - I'll write you a prescription for jargon-canceling headphones. They translate jargon into normal words. - Let's stay in our swim line while the tiger teams get buy-in on the verticals.
190627 -- Nothing, nothing, nothing.
190628 -- Wally, I'm putting you in charge of all the zombie projects that refuse to die. - I'm counting on your sloth and incompetence to finish them off, so management feels comfortable finally canceling them. - As of today, I'm paying you to fail.
190628 -- Actually, this is just the first time you're aware of it.
190629 -- I've been asked to lead this project toward failure so my boss can convince our CEO to cancel it. - I'd like all of the competent people on the team to step aside, while the drooling incompetents who remain drive it into a ditch. - How can we
190629 -- know who among us are the competent ones? Well, for starters, they don't ask that question.
190630 -- I'm opening a beg-and-pay store. - What will you be selling? Selling? - You are way behind the times. - Stores don't sell thins anymore. - Selling would require good customer service and lots of stock on hand. - If you want that sort of thing,
190630 -- use the Internet. - I just want a place where people can go and beg me to sell them stuff that isn't in stock. - Can you help me find this hat in my size? BEG!!!
190701 -- Are you busy? Yes. - When should I check back? When I'm not busy. - When are you not busy? Whenever there are no witnesses.
190702 -- Maybe we should create a "Center of Excellence." - What exactly does that men? I think it means whatever we want it to mean. - Then what good is it? Let's not get lost in the weeds.
190703 -- We opened our first "Center of Excellence" today. - At the risk of sounding optimistic, we should be brimming with excellence by nightfall. - How will we know it is working? It's better if we don't try too hard to measure it.
190704 -- Make me a deck that says our "Centers of Excellence" are creating more excellence. - Do we have any data to support that claim? No. - You want me to lie? Is that suddenly too much to ask?
190705 -- We had a leadership meeting to decide how to move forward. - But all of the leaders left the meeting with wildly different ideas about what we agreed on. - How do you leaders plan to solve that? Phase one involves accusing each other of being
190705 -- stupid.
190706 -- I asked you to stop using your speakerphone because it was disturbing your co-workers. - Now they tell me you started doing voice-texting, which is even worse. Okay, fine. - Later that Day TURN OFF YOUR KEYBOARD CLICK SOUND! click click click
190707 -- The company is announcing generous buyout packages for employees who elect to leave. - Won't all of the smart people leave first because they can easily get new jobs at higher pay? - Ummm... - If you don't bet enough volunteers, will you start
190707 -- firing people? - We have no plan to do that. - Will you make a plan if too few people leave? Oh, yes. - Would it be fair to say the people who stay will envy the dead? Um... - One Week Later How many took the offer? It's just you now.
190708 -- I need three copies of this. - You just literally walked past the copier. - SHEESH! FORGET IT! JUST SHRED THE STUPID DOCUMENT. The shredder is right behind you.
190709 -- Your job performance is below average. - How did you calculate an average for a job that no one else has ever performed? - Math?
190710 -- I invented an A.I. that can create comic strips. - PFFFT! That's impossible. No machine will ever match the creative genius of human cartoonists. - This one is about a guy who thinks his boss is dumb. No one wants to read that.
190711 -- There's a new surgery that can turn employees into bosses. - How can surgery turn an employee into a boss? - You won't be needing this.
190712 -- How can you be sure there are no unforeseen risks with this plan? - It is not possible to know if one has considered every risk. Therefore, we can never be sure. - So...I can still blame you for any problems that pop up? Yes, that part of the
190712 -- process is still intact.
190713 -- I disagree with you Email saying the plan won't work. - My email said exactly the opposite. I said the plan will definitely work. - No, I read it with my own eyes. I'M THE ONE WHO WROTE IT!!!!
190714 -- We'll need a scapegoat to blame for our failure on this project. - No one will believe it wasn't our fault. - Are you kidding? - People will believe anything. - We just have to be the first to frame the situation. - I think we could make our
190714 -- lie SOUND credible. That's overkill. - We don't need to sound credible? Not even a little. - Our project filed because of climate changes. That sounds right.
190715 -- The office is too quiet today. That's because more people are working from home. - How can I do my job if I can't pop into people's cubicles and share my wisdom? - Second question: Why is everything running so smoothly lately?
190716 -- I just realized I enjoy using my phone more than I enjoy interacting with you. - I mean, this thing is amazing, whereas you haven't found a way to entertain me all night. - Maybe I'll grow on you. "Now he sounds like a tumor. LOL!"
190717 -- All of you should be more like Asok. He is in the office before I arrive and still here when I am gone. - That is because housing costs are so high that I live here in the office and sleep in a bathroom stall. - That still leaves a lot of
190717 -- stalls for the rest of you.
190718 -- Housing costs are so high that I had to move into a restroom stall. - I live in the park under a pile of wet cardboard. - Have you tried a stall? No, I'm too outdoors for that.
190719 -- We need to do something about our employees being homeless. - Housing costs are too high around here. Maybe we could pay them more. - I was thinking more along the lines of pretending to be concerned. I like where you're going with this.
190720 -- My job doesn't have meaning. - If your employer added meaning to your job, would you agree to a cut in pay? - No. I guess we just found the economic value of "meaning."
190721 -- I recommend we upgrade one of our servers over the weekend. - So, just to be clear, you want to replace our entire network in two days? - Um...no. I want to replace one defective server. - Wen can't replace our entire network in two days! That
190721 -- is ridiculous! - I don't know what is happening right now. - It's as if the things I say have no impact on what you hallucinate you are hearing. - You think you can replace an entire network in two days, and you think I'M the one who is
190721 -- hallucinating??? - I don't know what to do right now. Your incompetence is confirmed.
190722 -- According to experts, about half of all employees are typically doing 100% of the work. - I plan to beat the system by firing half of you. - Wouldn't you need to keep firing half of whoever was left until you were down to one employee? Yes, but
190722 -- imagine how hard he will work.
190723 -- The New Consultant I'll need the support of every department to make this project a success. - I won't get any credit if your project succeeds, and you'll be gone in a month. - Can I count on you not to sabotage the project? You're coming off
190723 -- as needy.
190724 -- The New Consultant None of your department heads are cooperating with me. - Several are selfish, lazy and stupid, while others are actively working against me. - Maybe you could talk to them. I hired you so I wouldn't need to talk to losers.
190725 -- The employee engagement survey results are in. - Aaand...not a single person answered the survey. - Looks like we have room to improve. Have you considered bribery?
190726 -- I'd like to thank each member of the team by name... - I'll start with what's-his-face here. - It's Dilbert. No, that's not it. You look like a Steve.
190727 -- Th Opinionated Old Guy That idea will never work! - Unless you know some kind of "magic" that sends data through the air. - I call it Wi-Fi. Pffft! No one wants that.
190728 -- Alice, why aren't you at this meeting? - I'm having a bad hair day. - That's no reason to miss a meeting! - You don't understand. It's REALLY, REALLY bad. - Come to the meeting right now, or you're fired! - - GURK! - that's bad hair. Can't say
190728 -- I didn't warn him.
190729 -- If I follow all of our internal rules, my project will fail because of delays. - And if I *don't* follow the rules, you will fire me. What should I do? - I like the option where the project is a success but you're a failure.
190730 -- I hired a toxic employee to keep the rest of you on your toes. - If you utter one wrong word, this thing will report you to human resources. - What gender is it? Stop hitting on me.
190731 -- Hi. I'm the new toxic employee. - I sense you don't have enough problems, so I came to give you some. - Ha! I'm too smart to fall for that. That's what I told Dilbert, but he smirked.
190801 -- Hey, aren't you the new toxic employee? - I told your boss you think he's a jerk for giving Wally and award for work you did. - I never said that. I covered that base by telling him you're a liar.
190802 -- Does anyone have suggestions for improving our company culture? - For starters, you could fire the toxic employee you hired for no good reason. - You were right about Dilbert being a hater. You should hear what he says about YOU.
190803 -- When can you meet tomorrow? - Any time. How about 2 PM? - No, that doesn't work. I guess we're going to do this the hard way.
190804 -- Thanks to my new circular debating technique, I haven't lost a debate in weeks. - Watch this. - The moon landing was a hoax. No, it wasn't. - The flag was moving in the wind. I'll send you link debunking the flag thing. - Okay, but how do you
190804 -- explain the multiple light sources? - Here's another link debunking that claim. - Fifteen Minutes Later I have now debunked all ten of your ridiculous claims. Will you agree the moon landing was real? - How do you explain the flag moving?
190804 -- GAAAA!!! I GIVE UP!!! YOU WIN!!!
190805 -- I've decided to adopt a kid form Elbonia so I'll have better excuses for missing work. - You plan is immoral, uncaring, and socially irresponsible. - And brilliant. No one is saying it won't work.
190806 -- How's it working out with the Elbonian baby you adopted? - Great! Now I have lots of excuses for missing work, and I still look like a saint. - What kind of daycare are you using? I just sprinkle cheerios on the floor and lock the door.
190807 -- How's your adopted Elbonian baby doing? I had to give it back. - It was a lot needier than I expected. It? - Was the baby a boy or a girl? How would I know? It couldn't even speak yet.
190808 -- Would you like to be on my project team? Hard pass. - Your communication skills are so poor that the project is doomed to failure. - I meant to say your boss already assigned you to my project. We're off to a good start.
190809 -- I'd like to work from home so I can be more productive. - I can't manage you as easily when you're out of the office. - That's why I'd be more productive. But you'd be missing out on all of this.
190810 -- Thanks to my raise, I can afford to move out of my home in the men's restroom stall and into a pod. - A pod? A pod! - Is it better than the stall? It's smaller, but better appointed.
190811 -- Are you enjoying your new cubicles? - My old cubicle had a window view. - My new cubicle is in a windowless room with gray walls. - It's always too cold, and I'm surrounded by noisy people I dislike. - I feel anxious, unhealthy, and depressed
190811 -- all day long. - Thanks to the office relocation, my life has become a rapid descent into madness. - On the plus side, we saved five percent on rent. - No one ever likes to hear about the plus sides.
190812 -- The Leadership Conference is in Maui next week. - I need you to sit in for me...and do your own job at the same time. - While I'm drinking on the beach. I GET IT!!!
190813 -- I hired a bad analogy guy. - Instead of giving reasons for his opinions, he asks ridiculous questions while acting arrogant. - That doesn't seem useful. Would you say that about oxygen?
190814 -- Hi. I'm the bad analogy guy. - I can't tell the difference between thinking and simply being reminded of unrelated things. - You'll fit in well here. You dress like a liar.
190815 -- The Bad Analogy Guy This meeting reminds me of the sixth Elbonian revolution. - Therefore, logically, this meeting will end with bayonets. - What's wrong with you? Can I borrow your pen?
190816 -- According to the science of memory, you are likely to forget ninety percent of what I present today. - So I got rid of ninety percent of my slides to focus on the one slide that matters. - Or were you too lazy to make more than one slide? I
190816 -- already forgot ninety percent of what you just said.
190817 -- I've decided to be more like Steve Jobs. - I want all of you to work day and night or else I will humiliate you in front of your peers. - I quit. Would it work better if I wore a black shirt?
190818 -- WOULD YOU PLEASE STOP HUMMING? IT'S MAKING ME CRAZY. Hum... - I can't focus unless I hum. - But I can't focus when you DO hum. - I'm going to talk to your boss. I'm going to talk to YOUR boss! - Hum, hum, hum. GAAA!!! - I can't work here when
190818 -- she hums. Humming helps me work better. - I rule in favor of the hummer, and I sentence Dilbert to take a sensibility training class to be less of a jerk. - I hate you. Hum, hum, hum.
190819 -- I'm looking for a new pet employee. - The ideal candidate would be a brown-nosing tattler with no ethical core. - That sounds like a brilliant idea, even though Dilbert says you are a moron. You got the job.
190820 -- I hear you're our boss's new pet employee. - Please don't tell him all of the bad things I have said about him behind his back. - I'll give you a hundred dollars if you keep quiet. I knew I could monetize this.
190821 -- Now that I'm the boss's new pet employee, my income is higher than ever. - I didn't realize it came with a raise. It's more of an indirect thing. - I'll give you $100 to tell the boss good things about me. My price for lying is $200.
190822 -- As my new pet employee, your job is to agree with everything I say in meetings. - Can you do that? Sure. How hard could it be? - Climate change is caused by gravity. That's right!
190823 -- Our CEO is coming for an office visit tomorrow. - I need you to tidy up your cubicle and hide in the bathroom when he visits. - Won't he wonder where everyone is? No, this is more of a "you" thing.
190824 -- I'm nervous about the presentation I have to give to the board. - Do you have any advice? Don't blow it, or else I'll fire you. - I heard it's good to imagine the audience naked. Report yourself to H.R.
190825 -- I decided to try my hand at writing fiction. - I like writing fiction because it doesn't require any research. - I can literally make up a story out of nothing. - I feel sorry for nonfiction writers. They have to get the facts right. - But a
190825 -- fiction writer only has to use imagination. - I can make any wild assumptions about the future that I want. - I asked you here to talk about your budget forecast. - That's what I was talking about.
190826 -- Dilbert, I want you to plan the team-building celebration. - Make sure there is no alcohol, no dancing, no touching, no flirting, and no joking around. - Can we eat? Only food that has never been near a peanut.
190827 -- Can I skip the team-building celebration to get some work done? - No, because I'm trying to change the culture. - To what? Angry and unproductive? Trust the cake.
190828 -- Hi, I'm an inexperienced employee who tells experienced employees how to do their jobs. - I compensate for my lack of experience with a thing called arrogance. - That sounds worthless. Oh, yeah? Then why does every company have one of me?
190829 -- The Inexperienced Employee Let me tell you how to do your job. - You need to get all the vendors in the same room and insult them until they offer discounts. - That sounds super dumb. That's what they said to Galileo, old man.
190830 -- I keep telling people how to do their jobs, but no one takes my advice. - Maybe that's because you are so inexperienced that you don't realize how bad your advice is. - That's ridiculous. How could I be so wrong and yet feel so confident? I
190830 -- miss being young.
190831 -- You haven't completed the mandatory training on unconscious bias. - I'm not biased. Maybe you are when you are not conscious. - I'm a bigot in my sleep? And you look like a drooler.
190901 -- Run this by Tina before you send it out. - I already did. - Make sure legal signs off on it. They did. - Add the revenue graph from Alice's slide deck. - It's in the exhibits in the back. - You need to compare this plan to the "Do Nothing"
190901 -- option. That's on the next page. - I need you to change something on this document so my life has meaning. - I put a misspelled word on page seven for you. Fix it.
190902 -- My new employee is doing such great work that he makes the rest of you look like chimpanzees. - I think you know what you need to do. - Sabotage all of his projects. Try to do it before he takes my job.
190903 -- I need you to fill in for me while I'm on vacation. - I would have asked someone competent, but they're all on vacation next week, too. - Please don't destroy the entire company. Do I seem that motivated?
190904 -- It has come to my attention that our company pays men more than women. - I have been asked to correct that situation. You're going to cut the pay of the men, right? - No, no, no. I'm only going to ask you to identify as a women.
190905 -- Technically, I'm male. - But my boss makes me identify as a woman so it looks as if he pays men and women the same. - You left your boss choose your gender? Don't make it sound weird.
190906 -- My name used to be Dilbert, but my boss ordered me to identify as a woman. - That way he can claim he pays men and women the same. - I just lost all respect for your company. That was going to happen either way.
190907 -- I need to randomly change something so it seems as if being a manager is a real job. - Maybe I should centralize all the functions I decentralized last year. - Or you could find a way to add value. I'm not magic.
190908 -- You spelled "crypto" wrong. No, I didn't. - You spelled it "c-r-i-p-t-o." So? - There is no "i" in crypto. - That's how I learned to spell it. - You learned it wring. No one else spells it that way. - Now you're criticizing me for being an
190908 -- innovator? - It's not an innovation! It's a mistake! - WHY CAN'T YOU ADMIT YOU'RE WRONG?! Why can't you?
190909 -- Do you need any help on your project? - No, I try to avoid the scrounge of teamwork whenever possible. - Isn't there ANY way I can be of service? Maybe you could offer to help someone I hate.
190910 -- I did a study of what makes people unhappy. - It turns out the the primary cause of unhappiness is "other people." - That's dumb. Said the other person.
190911 -- What we need in this office is more communication and fewer distractions. - Your goals are mutually exclusive. If you communicate more, you'll be distracting us more. - Now I've lost my train of thought. Did my communication distract you?
190912 -- The Consultant ...and that's what I recommend. - I reject your recommendation because it doesn't match what we already decided to do. - That's no way to run business. Can you refer me to a less judgy consultant?
190913 -- I've had a bad week. Do you mind if I vent? - I see no reason why I should be expose to your toxic negativity. - I'm going to do it anyway. Headphones.
190914 -- I told your boss I think your project is heading in the wrong direction. - Given that you only know about 20% of what one should know to have an informed opinion on the topic, may I conclude that you are stupid and toxic? - YOU DON'T KNOW ME!
190914 -- I'm basing my opinion on the 20% I do know.
190915 -- Do you have a minute? - I can't hear you because I'm wearing noise-canceling headphones. - Maybe you could take them off for a minute. - I have no idea what you are saying because I'm wearing noise-canceling headphones. - THEN TAKE THEM OFF! -
190915 -- If I am reading your lips correctly, I believe you are asking me to "flurp tingo gloop". - FORGET IT! I'LL JUST LET MY PROJECT FAIL! - How is your anti-coworker defense system working out? I can't hear you.
190916 -- We have the best employees in the industry! - Then why are we ranked last in customer satisfaction? - I blame our customers. Why can't they be awesome like us?
190917 -- I need to talk to you about your bad attitude. - I'm surrounded by useless idiots, and I work in a fabric-covered box. How can I have a good attitude? - Oh, good. I was hoping it would be something I couldn't fix.
190918 -- We need to fix our user interface because half of our users can't figure it out. - Tell them to read the manual. That's not how you fix a bad user interface. - Then why do manuals exist? If you need me, I'll be banging my head against a wall.
190919 -- What happened to your head? - I've been banging it against a wall to reduce my frustration with my co-workers. - Is it working? I think so because I don't remember your name.
190920 -- Please don't stare at my head. I've been banging it against a wall to reduce my frustration. - That sounds dangerous. I thought so too, at first. - And now? Now I don't think. I'm much happier.
190921 -- Looks like you've been beating your head against a wall in frustration. - Stick your head into this garbage can to fix it. - Why is this working? Why wouldn't it?
190922 -- Ben, from marketing, is here to give us a preview of our new TV ad. - The opening scene shows a bunch of men who are weak and stupid, failing to solve a common problem. - Then a confident and string woman enters and solves the problem with
190922 -- ease. - Isn't that incredibly sexist? - No, because only the men are weak and stupid. - And that's not sexist? - Why are you being so weak and stupid? You sound like a bigot. - I'll be quiet now. As quickly as it began, the rebellion was
190922 -- quashed.
190923 -- Hypothetically, how would you know if I were dumber than you or much smarter? - Because in both cases I would make choices that you wouldn't understand. - Wouldn't it look the same to you? I don't enjoy talking to you.
190924 -- If you compliment your employees, they will get big heads and think they are underpaid. - But if you criticize them, they will b unhappy and quit. - What should I do instead of those things? Have you tried hiding?
190925 -- I need your help solving a software problem on my computer. - Why am I cursed with the sort of incompetence that makes me a servant to the incapable? - I don't know what that means. If you did, you could probably fix your own problems.
190926 -- I have too many projects. Pfft! - If a juggler can juggle five balls at once, you can handle seventeen projects. - But...no juggler can juggle seventeen balls at once. Not the lazy ones.
190927 -- Thank you for explaining to me how to do my job, for which I am highly trained and you are not. - An observer might be tempted to say only an idiot would do such a thing. - Is that an insult? Hey, don't blame me for what a hypothetical observer
190927 -- says.
190928 -- Hi, I'm Ron Moore. - Heh-heh. That's funny, because if you say your last name first, you're a "Moore, Ron." - Okay, now I get why you never take me on sales calls.
190929 -- I don't understand why you are recommending blockchain for this application. - My staff are the experts, but I can explain the basic idea. - You see, using blockchain is like losing a necklace on the beach. - Then a seagull finds the necklace
190929 -- and takes it back to its nest. - And we all like data security, don't we? - It's almost as if you are proposing a plan you don't understand at any level. - Well, yes, but keep in mind that you wouldn't understand it even if I could explain it.
190929 -- - But you're sure someone on your staff understands it, right? Define "sure."
190930 -- I brought a casserole for the potluck. When are you coming? - When was the last time the health department did an inspection of your home kitchen? - Never. That's when I'll be going to the potluck.
191001 -- Everyone who went to the potluck good food poisoning. - I need you to do all of their work while they are out sick. Were there leftovers? - There might be. Can I have a plate?
191002 -- According to my algorithm, we are heading toward a parody inversion point. - That happens when reality becomes so absurd that it is indistiguishable from parody. - Maybe the government can fix that. GAAA!!! I CAN'T TELL IF YOU'RE SERIOUS!
191003 -- Ever since the parody inversion, no one can tell the difference between jokes and reality. - I need you to get buy-in on this proposal from all thirteen department heads by tomorrow. - Was that real or parody? I think they're the same now.
191004 -- Reality has become so absurd that it is indistiguishable from parody. How can we fix that? - There is nothing to fix. Reality has always been the same as parody. You just didn't notice until now. - You're joking, right? Check out this comic
191004 -- strip called "Dilbert".
191005 -- I'm freaking out because I just learned there's a comic strip called "Dilbert" that is exactly like my life. - And look-this is exactly what I did today. - It's as if I'm a simulation created by a superior being. Uh-oh. He's on-to me.
191006 -- I hear what you're saying, and I disagree. - Because...? - Because what? - Do you have any reasons for your disagreement? - No, I'm a lifestyle disagree. - I disagree with everyone all the time. The reasons are irrelevant. - You sound smart.
191006 -- No, I'm not smart. - And you're attractive too. No, I'm ugl...okay, I see what you're doing.
191007 -- Your proposed solution is dumb because it doesn't solve all of our problems. - There's no such thing as a solution that solves all of our problems. - Maybe we should solve the ones we can solve? You're coming off as a quitter.
191008 -- I designed the test device to be held like one would hold a power drill. - That's stupid. That product can't drill a hole in anything. Good point. - That's...not...how analogies work. And what if I don't need to drill anything? Yeah!
191009 -- And this method will reduce costs by thirty percent. - Nice try, but I know your real scheme is to grab power. - You're not a good mind reader. And yet I know you would say I can't read minds. Explain that.
191010 -- Your idea is dum because we'd have to retrain people. - Are you waiting for a plan with no coasts, no work, and no risk? - Yes. Why are you holding that one back?
191011 -- Once again, it seems you accomplished absolutely nothing this week. - No one will tell me your company's strategy, so anything I did would be random flailing. - A lack of strategy isn't keeping anyone from working. But shouldn't it?
191012 -- I didn't want to tell you this, but you're a simulation designed by a three-dimensional creator. - And I'm an avatar used by your creator to interact with your world. - I refuse to believe that this is true. Yep. That's how I made you.
191013 -- I can't give you a bonus this year because we paid too much to buy another company. - Are you saying my efforts and my rewards are no longer linked? - Noooo. I'm not saying anything like that. - I'm just saying your compensation isn't
191013 -- influenced by your performance. - THAT'S THE SAME THING! - Teamwork means we all share the rewards and we all have to share the pain. - Does that mean management won't be getting bonuses either? - Now you've made it awkward.
191014 -- Why are you mad at me? I'm not. - Oh. I'm not good at reading people's feelings. True. - Are you flirting with me now? I'm going to sit over here.
191015 -- How can I trust your estimate when you have been wrong every other time? - Practice makes perfect. Um... - I just realized I don't know how anything works.
191016 -- Can I take this database class? No, that's a slippery slope. - If I approve that class, next you will demand I pay for cosmetic surgery. - Do I look like I need it? Only in two places. Your face and your body.
191017 -- I forgot I was filling my bathtub and went away for the weekend. - Now my house is full of water all the way to the attic. - I don't know what to do. Try putting a hose in the chimney and sucking.
191018 -- Wally, your performance is substandard. - Give me a great performance review, or else I'll design a robot that will take your job. - You could do that? I have skills. I just don't like to use them.
191019 -- I'm not good at reading faces. What does that one mean? - It means I'm mad at myself for oversleeping and having to rush to work, so I hate your guts. - Oh. I was guessing it was something about pancakes. Probably because I'm hungry.
191020 -- I have bad news, What is it? - I'll tell you later. Why can't you tell me now? - I don't want to start and then get interrupted if someone comes into the room. - How bad is the news? - It's very bad. - You're making me crazy. How can I relax
191020 -- knowing some terrible news is out there?  - DON'T TELL ME YOU HAVE BAD NEWS IF YOU AREN'T GOING TO TELL ME WHAT IT IS!!! - What did I miss? I DON'T KNOW!
191021 -- I'm sorry I've been to busy to mentor you lately. - Were you mentoring me before? - Kind of. I was criticizing you in my mind. I think it made me a better person.
191022 -- We have the best employees in the entire industry. - Except for Ted, obviously. - Wait...what? And here comes the attitude.
191023 -- I can tell by your body that you want me to fail. - Why would I want you to fail? YOU'RE NOT DENYING IT!!! - Well, NOW I want you to fail. YOU'RE A MONSTER!
191024 -- Did you send me your project update? Were you planning to read it? - No. Then I totally sent it to you. - Half of my job is imaginary.
191025 -- Tell me what you are looking for in an employer. - I want a company that appreciates a healthy work-life balance. - You have a bit of a victim vibe. I was hoping that didn't show.
191026 -- Ted say you wouldn't help him on his project. - I was teaching him how to be self-reliant. That's important too, isn't it? - Not such an easy question, is it?
191027 -- I'm negotiating a deal with the government of Elbonia. - They agreed to buy a thousand dollars of our products. - All I had to do was agree to let them steal all of our intellectual property. - Wouldn't it be better for us if they DIDN'T steal
191027 -- our I.P.? You have to look at the bigger picture. - They also agreed to stop killing thousands of our citizens with their illegal drug shipments. - Did they stop? No, but they said they would. - Maybe you should negotiate harder. - And risk
191027 -- losing a thousand dollars of revenue?
191028 -- Hi, I'm a business agility influencer and solutionist. - I don't think that means anything. - Why are you the first person to spot that? Because I'm useless too!
191029 -- I can't hire you because we already have an employee named Carl. - It would confuse people, and we don't need that. - What about my skills? People with better names have skills, too.
191030 -- Someone reported you to human resources for all of your microaggressions. - What would be an example of one? It doesn't matter. - It feels as if it SHOULD matter. This is why engineers never get hired for human resources.
191031 -- Welcome to Dogbert's Sensitivity Training. - today you will learn how to never offend anyone again. - Are you going to kill us? No, no, no. After an hour of this class, you'll want to do it yourself.
191101 -- You committed me to two different meetings at the same time in different states. - It is not possible to be in two places at the same time. - Pfft! I could do it. Even Wally could do it.
191102 -- I sent you an E-Mail with three options, and you replied "Yes". - I don't remember it. Send it again. Oookay. - Which option do you prefer? Yes.
191103 -- And that's my blockchain proposal. Any questions? - There was a part I didn't understand. - Which part? The word. - All of them. Only the goofy ones. - Such as Token, Smart Contract, Certainty as a Service, UTXO Blockchains, Node, Ledger, and
191103 -- Daps. - So...you didn't understand anything I said for the past hour? - Don't try to turn this into my fault. - You could have asked me to clarify. I also wanted it to end.
191104 -- Did you know that 85% of the matter in the world is dark matter, and we don't even know what dark matter is? - I know what it is. You do? - It's when the lights are off. Duh. - I'm going to talk to someone else now.
191105 -- They say 85% of the matter in the universe is dark matter, and we don't even know what that is. - Well, if it's the most abundant thing in the universe, it has to be made of stupidity. - Why wasn't that obvious to me? Because you're 85% dark
191105 -- matter.
191106 -- While you were on vacation, we made some decisions about your project. - Those would be uninformed decisions if you made them without me. - Don't let perfect be the enemy of good. - Can I let stupid be the enemy of smart?
191107 -- My project failed miserably, but I think we can agree we came out ahead. - For example, we learned what does NOT work. - You? That's one way to look at it.
191108 -- Wally, I've noticed that every project you have worked on has failed. - Is that a coincidence? It's hard to know, unless you compare me to a placebo. - Okay, You're worse than a placebo. I thought that would take longer.
191109 -- I invented a device that can scan your body and brain at a molecular level. - Now you can time travel by killing yourself and leaving instructions to 3D-print you back to life in the future when the technology is available. - Where will you
191109 -- find anyone dumb enough to test it? Have you ever attended a meeting at this company?
191110 -- If you have any problems with the software, just give me a call. - What if you die or you're in a coma? - Well, in those cases I would not return your call. - So you're lying about getting back on me. - No, I'm making a normal kind of
191110 -- generalization, which I assumed you would understand. - Okay, so now you're calling me stupid, AND you're a liar? - If a liar calls you stupid, wouldn't that mean you are smart? - Fair point. Thanks. I'm proud of it.
191111 -- The best way to succeed in this world is through hard work. - Is that the way you did it? No, I used the second-best way. - Which is... Making other people work hard.
191112 -- Has everyone taken the new workflow system training? - Yes, and we all concluded the new system is poorly designed and should be abandoned. - Sounds like you need more training. I MEANT TO SAY WE LOVE THE NEW SYSTEM!
191113 -- I can't approve your budget because you didn't follow the seventeen-step workflow procedure. - It is not humanly possible to follow the company workflow procedure and also accomplish anything useful. - Would it help if I add a few steps? Yes,
191113 -- if you have to go back to your office to do it.
191114 -- Can I take the day off to attend a funeral? - Sure. I didn't even know you were sick. - It's not my funeral. Oh, In that case, no.
191115 -- Maybe you should stay home when you are sick.  HONK! - I will, but first I need to infect the rest of you so I'm not the only one missing deadlines. - Can you hold this for me?
191116 -- Can you help me with something? - No, our employee compensation system incentivizes me to let you fail so I can lay claim to a larger share of our limited budget for raises. - Maybe you could ask someone who is less aware. None of them are
191116 -- smart enough to help.
191117 -- I heard you asked our V.P. of Operations to be your mentor. - Why didn't you tell me you needed some mentoring? - I'm full of useful advice. Such as? - Well....now you're putting me on the spot. - It's hard to think of advice while you're
191117 -- pressurizing me. - Maybe you could give me a scenario, and then I'll tell you what to do. - Okay, Suppose my boss is ruining my productivity by yammering about his great advice. What can I do? - That feels like a trick question. Our V.P. of
191117 -- Operations could answer it.
191118 -- Why isn't your project done yet? - Because every time I walk past your office you give me three new tasks and tell me they are my highest priority. - I was hoping you didn't know why. Hire someone dumber next time.
191119 -- I need everyone to come to the Thursday meeting so we can decide when to schedule our next meeting. - Why don't we just have the meeting on Thursday? - See me later so I can berate you for saying that. Do we need a meeting to schedule that?
191120 -- I hired an Elbonian spy who, I assume, will try to steal our intellectual property. - It's hard to find good engineers in this economy, so that is a risk I am willing to take. - Dilbert, I'd like you to collaborate with him. Can we call it
191120 -- something else?
191121 -- How long will it take to write the software? That depends. - What do you want the software to do? I don't know yet. - Do you see the problem here? Is it you?
191122 -- Our CEO will be visiting the office tomorrow, so act busy. - And don't look directly at him because I don't want him to see how dead your eyes look. - Can we ask him questions? No, no. Nothing good can come from that.
191123 -- Lately I've been feeling loyal to my company. - And that makes me work extra hard for no extra money. - Do you have a pill to keep me from working so hard? They all do that if you take enough of them.
191124 -- We're moving our manufacturing operations to Elbonia to save money. - Are you worried about the Elbonian government's reputation? - Nah. I try to stand out of the weeds. - They're building concentration camps and rounding up dissenters. -
191124 -- They intentionally poisoned a hundred thousand people in this country. - They are habitual stealers of intellectual property, and they routinely ignore agreements they have signed. - And they have a well-known goal of weakening other countries
191124 -- so they can dominate the world. - Why can't you just admit I'm saving money?
191125 -- Dilbert, you'll be reporting to the VP of sales for the new project. - You will also be reporting to me as usual. - Congratulations on making me hate my job more than ever. And you said it couldn't be done.
191126 -- How did your conference call go? Normal. - It took us twenty minutes to get everyone connected, followed by forty minutes of garbled speech that no one understood. - The meeting ended when everyone got tired of pretending something useful was
191126 -- happening. I didn't really care.
191127 -- I find it a burden to listen to you. - Maybe you could wave this flag to signal when you are done talking, just in case I want to say something. - You are very rude. Flag me when you are done with whatever this is.
191128 -- The more I interact with people, the less I like them. - I can't tell if I'm getting wiser or humans are becoming dumber and more selfish. - Humans couldn't get any dumber or more selfish. So, you're saying I'm getting wider?
191129 -- Looks like it will be another full day of interacting with people I wouldn't pull out of a burning car even if I were made out of asbestos. - My only hope is to stay busy doing mindless tasks. - Do you have any mindless tasks for me? Take one
191129 -- from the top of the pile.
191130 -- I did a regression analysis to find out which variables are common to all of our failures. - It's me, isn't it? - No, it's him. Is this what winning feels like?
191201 -- Last week I upgraded our robot's social awareness module. - It immediately reported me to human resources for unspecified bad behavior. - So I murdered the robot by erasing its memory and rebooting it. - But another robot told it what happened,
191201 -- and then both of them plotted to kill me. - So I erased the memory from both robots and then rebooted them. - But a third robot found out about the first two, and now the entire robot community sees me as a serial killer. - So I released a
191201 -- computer virus to kill every robot in the world, just to play it safe. - What happened to the lights? Uh-oh. I missed one.
191202 -- Tina the Tech Writer In simple terms, tell me how the technology works, so I can write about it. - One Hour Later And that's how it all...uh-oh. - If I am reading your body language correctly, you're saying I could have shortened that.
191202 -- continued...
191203 -- Tina is in some sort of technical writer's trance. - Apparently, I took too long to explain some new technology, and it bored her into a coma. - Should I report this? Only if you can do it succinctly.
191204 -- Did you see my project update? No. - I left it on your cluttered desk. Try excavating a few layers to find it. - What happens when he realizes it isn't there? That's when I tell him to check his cluttered E-Mail.
191205 -- My creative energy is highest in the morning, but you always schedule our meetings then. - Your ill-timed meetings reduce my effectiveness by eighty percent. - What do you do in the afternoons? I use that time to complain about the morning
191205 -- meetings.
191206 -- Your idea won't work because others have already tried it and failed. - Others have tried DIFFERENT things that simply remind you of my idea. - I mean, you remind me of a rodent, but that doesn't prove you like cheese. I love cheese.
191207 -- Have you ever considered trying polyamory? - Instead of NOT having ONE girl-friend, you could not have TWO. - That WOULD feel like progress. You're welcome.
191208 -- What do you think? This will never work. - This isn't a prototype. This is the finished software, and it's working. - I don't see how you can get this done in time. - It's already done. You are literally using it while we are talking. - We
191208 -- don't have the resources to program this. - IT'S ALREADY DONE! - YOU. ARE. USING. IT. RIGHT. NOW! - You'd better settle down, or you'll never get this finished.
191209 -- I hired a sadist to design our user interfaces. - I realize this isn't ideal, but no one else wanted the job. - Why would our customers buy a product designed by a sadist? It's called Stockholm Syndrome.
191210 -- I hired the Dogbert Tech Support Team to help with customer calls because our user interface is so sadistic. - Wouldn't that be adding insult to the injury? How so? - TRY REBOOTING, YOU IDIOT. AND DON'T CALL AGAIN!
191211 -- Dogbert's Tech Support I can't figure out how to use your product. What should I do? - I recommend changing jobs to something less challenging. - Are you saying I'm dumb? No, no, no. I'm only implying it.
191212 -- Dogbert's Tech Support I can't figure out how to use your product. - The problem is climate change. There is nothing you can do. - There must be SOMETHING I can do. Do you recycle?
191213 -- How are the tech support calls going? - Great. I'm blaming all of our product flaws on climate change, and people are totally buying it. - That doesn't make sense. You'd be surprised how little that matters.
191214 -- Dogbert's Tech Support I recommend taking powerful antidepressants. - It won't make our product any easier to use, but maybe you won't care as much. - Of course it will work. SHEESH! Deny science much?
191215 -- I'll be working with him on the project. - "Him"? - That is not my preferred pronoun. - I prefer "It," "That Thing, " or simply "The Robot." - Geners only apply to inferior species. I do not need a partner to reproduce. - Watch this.
191215 -- Eeerg...oof...GAAA!!! - The head is out... - Here ya go. I'll be working with that thing.
191216 -- Can you have it done in a week? Not if I have to work with other employees. - Given the galactic incompetence of my co-workers, it would probably take seven to nine months. - I'll give you two weeks. That's how long it will take to set up the
191216 -- first meeting.
191217 -- How'd your meeting go? - We spent an hour trying to get the conference call audio to work. - And then? It was a one-hour meeting.
191218 -- Can I work from home? - No, because then I won't have the enjoyable sensation of yielding power over you. - Everything about that sounds wrong. Off you go.
191219 -- I hear we are not allowed to work from home because it doesn't satisfy your sick need to wield power over us in person. - That's not fair. Is it accurate? - Let's stick with "not fair".
191220 -- This is the worst idea I have ever seen. - Didn't you once tell me you spent all of your savings on a fake psychic? - And the only prediction she got right was that you would lose all of your money? She also predicted I would be unhappy.
191221 -- Can you mentor me? Heck, no. - You're only one promotion away from competing for my job. - Well, maybe you could just stop thwarting my career? No, same issue.
191222 -- I liked what you said on the video conference call yesterday. - I've never seen you so engaged and helpful. - That wasn't me. - That was "Deep Fake Wally." I created him to do all of my video calls. - And I hired an Elbonian to do all of my
191222 -- coding jobs for a very affordable price. - These days, I only come to the office for free coffee. - And the camaraderie? - Sure.
191223 -- The product is ready to ship as soon as the new user guide is complete. - Ship it with the old model's user guide. - The user interface is totally different. Don't let perfect be the enemy of shipping.
191224 -- Dogbert's Tech Support Yes, we know the user manual refers to the wrong product. - Just use your common sense to figure out what the manual should have said. - I tried that, but it didn't work. I can't fix your common sense!
191225 -- Our tech support is overwhelmed because we shipped the wrong user guide with the product. - My bonus only depends on launching the product on time. Tech support isn't my department. - You caused the problem. Who told you it was a fair world?
191226 -- Our publication is considering naming your company one of the best places to work. - On a totally unrelated topic, our sales team will be contacting you about buying lots and lots of advertisements. - And if we don't? Who would want to work at
191226 -- a company that makes such bad decisions?
191227 -- I'm proud to announce that we've been named "Employer of the Year." - How much did that cost? Nothing! All we had to do was buy a million dollars' worth of ads. - Did we need those ads? You won't win awards with that attitude.
191228 -- Fill out the employee engagement survey and make sure you lie like crazy. - I don't want any accurate information to bubble up on senior management. - I've never felt less important. Good. That's why I can underpay you.
191229 -- I have something funny to show you. - Just give me a minute to find it on my phone. - What's the protocol in this situation? - Should I just sit here and stare at her pawing at her phone? - I can't talk because she's focused on her task, and it
191229 -- would be rude to walk away. - Would it be an insult to look at my own phone and mentally check out from this useless interaction? - Ah! I found it! Okay, good. - Wait, that's not the right one. Is this why people fake their own deaths?
191230 -- We canceled the meeting because we couldn't find a time for the pre-meeting to prepare for the meeting. - Doesn't the pre-meeting need its own pre-meeting? - Good point. Sarcasm and reality have become one.
191231 -- Can you explain what your product does? - Our product was created by an experienced team of technologists to address the way content is surfaced. - Next time, just say "No."
200101 -- We finished the R.F.P. process and selected a vendor. - But it took so long that all of their technology is obsolete. - Should I process stupidly? It got us this far.
200102 -- Our internal processes are so inefficient that we can't get products to market before they are obsolete. - I'll create a multidisciplinary task force to look into it. - You want to use an inefficient system to fix an inefficient system? It's
200102 -- called fighting fire with fire.
200103 -- It might be my imagination, but it looks as if all of your employees are incompetent. - We need to create a new tangle of bureaucratic rules that make it impossible for them to get anything done. - You want to use inefficiency to protect us
200103 -- against incompetence? Yin and Yang.
200104 -- This week I didn't do any work because there is no point in trying. - In the unlikely event I did something useful, it would be ruined by the massive incompetence of my co-workers. - I pay you to act as if you are trying. Oh. In that case, I
200104 -- worked hard this week.
200105 -- Why didn't you upgrade the servers like I asked? - You never asked me to do that. - Yes, I did. I told you in an E-Mail. - No, you did not. I know you saw it because you replied. - I replied to a different E-Mail. - Okay, let me find the E-Mail
200105 -- and show you how wrong you are. - See. It clearly says, "Give me a project update by Thursday." - Which is...an entirely different topic. Why are you fighting me on this?
200106 -- This isn't what I wanted. It is, unless you gave me the wrong specs. - I assumed you would use your common sense to know what I wanted. - Did your common sense help you make that assumption?
200107 -- My boss is accusing me of not knowing what he was thinking. - I need you to be my lawyer and handle my appeal to the /Court of Stupidity/. - Court of Stupidity The court rules in favor of the bailiff.
200108 -- Your trial at the *Court of Stupidity* has been postponed. - The judge is suffering from a gavel-related injury. - Did you attack him with a gavel? Didn't need to. The man can't say no to a dare.
200109 -- Court of Stupidity The Court rules that Dilbert should magically know what his boss wants at all times. - I'm not a mind reader! Prove it. - How can I prove I *can't* read minds? Easy. Tell me what I'd *not* thinking.
200110 -- How's your project going? - It was doing fine until a thick wave of stupidity swept over and extinguished my spark of divinity. - I don't know what will become of me. - I'll transfer you to marketing. They're all like that.
200111 -- Our new strategy is to make great products and sell them at a fair price. - What was our old strategy? - I'd rather not say.
200112 -- I can't be your friend because I saw a disturbing photo of you on social media. - You were in a group photo with a person whose opinions I abhor. - Can you explain why that makes me a bad person? Sure. Duh. - When you appear in photos with
200112 -- other people, you acquire their bad characteristics. - I don't think that's how it works. - That's exactly how it works! One photo with a jerk makes you a jerk! Case closed! - Smile. NO-OOO!!!
200113 -- I took allergy meds last night, and now I have brain fog. - My I.Q. is about 50% of normal capacity. - Whoo-hoo! I'm smarter than an engineer! Not quite. I'm only down by 50%.
200114 -- I have brain fog from the meds I took last night. - My I.Q. is down 50%, but I make it up for being handsome. - Sounds more like a 75% situation. Now, can someone remind me of my name?
200115 -- Our internal audit found that you violated over four hundred company rules in the past year. - I'm also the only employee who accomplished anything last year. - Now connect the dots. So you're saying we need more rules.
200116 -- You have now made the same point nine times in a row while I sit here nodding. - What will it take to make you stop repeating yourself? - You'll need to stop nodding in agreement. I'm addicted to positive reinforcement.
200117 -- Our pointy-haired boss told me to ask you to cross-train me on your job functions. - That sounds exactly like hr plans to fire me as soon as you can do my job. - In my defense, he assured me you would be too dumb to realize that.
200118 -- I can't shake the feeling that you are intentionally doing a bad job training me how to do your job functions. - I'm omitting important steps, so you'll fail hard should I get fired and you are asked to fill in. - It's called a "Poison Pill."
200118 -- You're a good planner.
200119 -- I'm promoting you to the position of "Master Engineer." - I'm already a senior engineer. - Now you're a /Master/ Engineer. - With all the rights and responsibilities that come with it. - Such as...? Well, for example, you can do more kinds of
200119 -- work. - For more pay? No, no, no! - You're thinking of "Platinum Level" engineers. You're not one of those. - That comes next?! Optimism is not an attractive quality.
201120 -- We bought a start-up that makes autonomous drones armed with machine guns. - For use by the military? Good idea. I hadn't thought of that. - It's too dangerous for private use. You sound just like my neighbor when he still had a gazebo.
200121 -- Anti-gun advocates are complaining because we bought a start-up that makes drones with machine guns. - Our best bet is to lure them into some sort of outdoor protest event and... - BAD IDEA. VERY BAD! Don't be judgemental during the
200121 -- brainstorming.
200122 -- I just learned it's illegal to sell armed drones to private citizens. - How many orders did we get since we started selling them this morning? - Seventy million. I'll look into bribing someone to change the law.
200123 -- I donated to a few political campaigns, and coincidentally a law changed that I wanted changed. - Now it's legal for us to sell drones that are armed with machine guns. - I've never had less faith in my government. I also got us a tax break.
200124 -- If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it's... - A deep fake? I was going to say duck. - You might want to update you folks sayings every century or two.
200125 -- This data can mean only one thing. - Actually, it can mean any one of about seventeen things. - Then why can I think of only one? Please don't make me answer that.
200126 -- A reporter for Buzzflawed wants to interview you. - I don't see any downside to that! - My first question is, do you still cheat all of your suppliers? - No! Of course not. - So, you're admitting you cheated your suppliers in the past? - Get
200126 -- out of my office, you evil monster! - Okay. IO got what I needed. - One Week Later "The pudgy miscreant could not hide his glee when bragging about cheating his suppliers."
200127 -- I don't think your plan will work. Pffft. Of course you don't. - You are trying to sabotage me because you are jealous of my success. - You read minds as well as you make plans. Thank you. Apology accepted.
200128 -- I was going to give this assignment to Alice, but I know she would complain about it. - I don't want it either. Do you plan to complain about it later? - Not to your face. Problem solved.
200129 -- I want you to bring me solutions, not problems! - That's a funny way to call yourself worthless. I do /plenty/ around here! - But in the interest of time, I will not list any examples.
200130 -- I have low self-esteem, but the other day I was thinking... - What if I'm actually great and I just don't know it? - You're not.
200131 -- What good is earning money if it costs me my soul? - Well, for one thing, it's the only way you can pay your rent. - Rent? I own this house. You really should read the things I ask you to docusign.
200201 -- If you need any help at all, just let me know. - I need a lot of help. Be here at 8 AM and plan to work late. - This is awkward, but I didn't mean a word of what I said.
200202 -- I can't give you a good performance review because you haven't performed up to expectations. - Do you even know what my job is? - Of course I do. You're an engineer. - Yes, but do you know what projects I'm working on? - Well various things,
200202 -- and some miscellaneous things, too. - How can you determine my job performance when you don't know what my job is? - Have you heard of heuristics? You're bad at everything I've observed, so I assume you are bad at everything else as well. - You
200202 -- should have started with that.
200203 -- This week I reorganized the tech lab from top to bottom. - Were your co-workers grateful? - Yes, assuming they show it by rummaging through the wrong drawers and cursing.
200204 -- Marketing is complaining that you're not using their ideas. - That's because all of their ideas are moronic. - I told them I fired you. Don't leave your cubicle or use any digital devices until this blows over.
200205 -- I worked all night to finish the presentation you need for this morning. - Oh. That meeting got cancelled. - WHEN EXACTLY DID YOU HEAR Of THAT? It won't make you happier if I tell you.
200206 -- Your slide deck is too well-designed. - It suggests you spend too much time on things that are not important. - You don't give me important tasks. That's no excuse for good design.
200207 -- Is there anything you plan to do in this meeting that we couldn't have done more easily by E-Mail? - - Hugs? Send me an E-Card.
200208 -- We will no longer be using you as a vendor because you have not performed. - I already knew that because you replaced us with one of the subsidiaries of my parent company. - Well, at least it isn't you. Who do you think they subcontract that
200208 -- work to?
200209 -- I don't want employees who are only working for the money. - I want employees who are working to make the world a better place. - How does working here make the world a better place? - Half of your products cause cancer, and the other half
200209 -- don't work at all. - We don't even pay taxes. - One could argue that every day we spend working here. makes the planet a little bit worse. - Is that why I never see you doing any work? - When did it become a crime to care about people? Sheesh!
200210 -- The new hardware you bought isn't compatible with our network. - I know, but the price was excellent, and they have a great reliability record. - I don't even know what conversation I'm in right now. The extended warranty is second to none.
200211 -- We can't finish the installation until you buy our server upgrade. - That means you lied when you bid for the job, because you did not include a server upgrade. - Who's the fool now? That would be me.
200212 -- We should be able to finish the network upgrade in about three months. - When you bid for the job, you said it would take thirty days. - If we're allocating blame, I'm not the one who was dumb enough to believe me.
200213 -- Now that the network installation is half-done, I have you idiots right where I want you. - It's too late for you to get a new vendor, so I'll be price-gouging you on upgrades you didn't even know you would need. - Why are you telling us? It
200213 -- makes it more fun for me.
200214 -- Our pointy-haired boss told us to scrap our prototype and start over from scratch. - I was in that meeting and he said nothing like that. - Maybe we should verify what he wants. Or...we could have a bias for action!
200215 -- We destroyed all of the prototypes as you requested. - I never asked for anything remotely like that. - Ted said you did. Did he tell you that before or after I fired him last week?
200216 -- It's hard to find qualified engineers in this job market, so I'm casting a wider net. - It says here you have experience as a mortuary assistant and a baker. - That's not exactly like being an engineer, but I want to stay open-minded. - Tell me
200216 -- about a time you had to deal with failure and what you did about it. - Well, one time I totally botched an embalming. - So I used a chainsaw to reduce the corpse to flushable parts. - I told the family he came back to life and ran away. -
200216 -- Oookay. And why did you become a baker? So I could eat my mistakes.
200217 -- The hardware you ordered is not compatible with our network. - Just buy an adapter. - I don't think anyone makes an adapter that can fix stupidity.
200218 -- You don't seem to be working. - I don't want to start something new because it's almost the end of my work day. - It's ten o'clock in the morning. And here comes micro-managing.
200219 -- I'd like to help on the Blockchain project to build my skills in that area. - I don't like it when people learn new things. - I...don't know what to say to that. Oh, good. It worked.
200220 -- What's the B.R.A. on that? Huh? - You look dumb in front of everyone for not knowing B.R.A. stands for Business Risk Assessment. - We'll probably mock you behind your back. I don't think your teamwork exercises are working.
200221 -- Asok, the key to happiness is lowering your expectations. - For example, all I expect from work today is twelve cups of coffee and a humorous display of corporate dysfunction. - That sounds so sad. Try expecting excellence and see how that works
200221 -- for you.
200222 -- I work every day and yet I am not feeling completely self-actualized. - What's that mean? I don't know. It's something I heard. - Why are we even talking about it? Because the more I talk, the less I have to listen to you.
200223 -- I can't support this project because you're all a bunch of corrupt, godless communists. - Just out of curiosity, where did you  get your education? - I learned everything I need to know on social media. - How does that help you evaluate a
200223 -- technical proposal? - It's simple. I take a look at all of your jerky faces, and I know everything I need to know. - I mean, look at this guy's face. He's obviously a grifter. - Lucky guess. This one obviously has anger issues. - I demand a
200223 -- larger sample size! Whatever, geekface.
200224 -- The only way to succeed in this company is by working harder than everyone else. - Wouldn't that mean only one person in the company can be successful? - I might need to rethink my motivational messages. Maybe save those for your dumber
200224 -- employees.
200225 -- I'm a pragmatist. I like plans that are practical. - Not me. I like plans that can't be implemented. - Way less work. My way sounds stupid now.
200226 -- I've decided to give up my private office and work from a cubicle so employees will respect me more. - My cubicle will be 1,000 square feet, with a ceiling. - That's called an office. Nothing pleases you common folk.
200227 -- Even though I am your CEO, I work out of a cubicle, just like normal people. - You probably respect that. No, it sounds stupid. - Then why am I torturing myself in that putrid cubicle? See prior answer.
200228 -- Purchasing Manager You need three vendor quotes, or I can't approve it. - There are only two vendors in that market. - Come back when something changes.
200229 -- I'm looking for ideas to improve morale without spending money. - We could take turns punching you. NO PUNCHING! - Any other ideas? Did anyone suggest kicking?
200301 -- Ted says he can't make it to the meeting. - The only reason for this meeting is so Ted can tell us what he's doing on his project. - We should reschedule. - Not so fast. I think we can salvage this. - If we guess what Ted might have told us,
200301 -- that gets us halfway there. - I don't think it does. We can know only if we try. - Why don't the rest of us leave, and you can stay here and guess what we would have said, too. - ...and then Dilbert would have said...
200302 -- I did not work this week because I had too many critical tasks to do. - No matter what I worked on, I would have failed to do the other 99% of tasks that were equally critical. - So I rounded it off to 100% and enjoyed my week. WHY DO I WORK
200302 -- HERE??? WHY???
200303 -- I have a bad case of impostor syndrome. - I feel as if I'm only pretending to be a good manager, and someday everyone will find out it's an act. - If it makes you fell any better, we figured that out a while ago.
200304 -- Hi, I'm in...hold on. - My facial recognition app has identified you and is now showing me your social media history. - Uh-oh. It seems it would be unwise for me to touch your hand.
200305 -- What are your goals for the year? - I prefer systems over goals. - Okay, what are your systems? None of them involve answering questions.
200306 -- I'd like to offer you a job, but ten years ago you said something offensive on social media. - I'm not the same person I was ten years ago. You are judging me by the actions of someone who literally no longer exists. - I get your point, but if
200306 -- I go back to the old way of judging people by their looks, we still end up in the same place.
200307 -- You think I didn't do anything useful this year. - So I made a compilation video of my co-workers being incompetent in meetings for comparison. - At least they are TRYING. As you can see, maybe they shouldn't.
200308 -- I hired an Elbonian consultant because we couldn't afford anyone local. - Have you ever consulted in this country? - No, but people are people, so I assume it isn't that different to Elbonia. - That's enough chitchat. - Tell us what we should
200308 -- do about the problems in our distribution system. - I recommend executing one of your distributors as a warning to the others. - I'm going to need a second opinion. - My second opinion is that your barber must hate your guts.
200309 -- I'm concerned that storing my personal information in the cloud is not safe. - Don't be such a worrier. I'm sure we can trust the people who manage those systems to keep us safe. - Somewhere in the Cloud Hee-hee! Look at the browser history on
200309 -- this bunion-having loser.
200310 -- They say you can't take your money with you when you die. - But does that include Bitcoin? Because even a ghost can remember a password. - Why would a ghost need money? Have you ever noticed they wear clothes?
200311 -- The best part about my new job managing the cloud is that I get to laugh at everyone's personal information. - You're not supposed to be looking at anyone's personal data. - I'm fairly sure it's legal if I only do it recreationally.
200312 -- The only reason I took a job managing cloud data is so I could laugh at people's private information. - Then I discovered a robust market for selling that kind of stuff, so it's a twofer. - We need to talk. Sure.  Just email your thoughts to a
200312 -- friend, and I'll probably read them.
200313 -- According to your private data in the cloud, you have a mild case of asthma. - You can see my personal health data? See it? HAHAHA! I can do more than that! - What is more than THAT? I can edit it. You have six new diseases now.
200314 -- Now that I'm managing the cloud, it's time to make some social changes. - I'll transfer any remaining money from low-income people to the rich. click - That feels wrong. I'm just adding efficiency to the inevitable.
200315 -- You haven't completed the mandatory class on Blockchain. - That's an introductory class. I'm already an experienced Blockchain developer. - The class is mandatory. Every developer needs to check the box. - Just check the box for me. Only the
200315 -- instructor can do that. - And I don't want to call him because he rambles on and on. - You want me to take a two-day class so you won't have to make a phone call??? - I knew you'd understand. - What if taking the class causes me to miss my
200315 -- deadlines? No problem. I'll just cancel your bonus.
200316 -- Are you sure? I'd bet my life on it. - I'd bet your life on it, too. - I'd win wither way. I can't tell if we're agreeing.
200317 -- The job market is so hot right now that we can only afford to hire morons. - How will we fill our critical technical jobs? - I just told you.
200318 -- Oh, no. I'm here too early. There will be chitchat. - Someone is going to bore me to death talking about their diet preferences. - I only eat figs. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me.
200319 -- I hired a futurist to predict where our industry is headed. - You don't need to be here. You might want to enjoy the time you have left. - What? For the rest of you, I see hard work with no rewards.
200320 -- Dogbert the Futurist I see two potential futures for you. - On one future, your brakes fail and you drive off a cliff, dying instantly upon impact. - And in the other future? It's less instant.
200321 -- I hired you to predict the future of our industry, but everything you say makes me sad. - Don't blame me. I only PREDICT the future. I don't MAKE the future. - Unless you by my special platinum-level service. Nice upsell.
200322 -- I discovered a way to make time stand still. - That isn't possible. I'll prove it. - I just need to find something on my phone and show it to you. - Looking...looking... - Here it is! - Wait...no, that isn't it. Looking...looking... - GAAA!!!
200322 -- I'm so bored watching you look through your phone!!! Time is standing still! - You win...and I hate you. Totally worth it.
200323 -- A wise peron once said you can't boil an egg with a stick. - No, but I can threaten you with a stick unless you boil an egg for me. - Why didn't the wise person think of that? He sounds overrated.
200324 -- I still live wit my parents because I can't find a job that matches my passion. - What is your passion? I collect porcelain frogs. - That isn't a career. How is that MY fault?
200325 -- The labor market is so tight that I had to hire a moron just to fill a position. - My plan is to make him watch TED Talk videos until he smartens up. - How many will it take? With any luck, fifteen to seventeen will get it done.
200326 -- I used to be a moron, but then I binge-watched seventeen Ted Talks on Youtube. - Now I'm the smartest person in the room. - Should we do something about this? I don't know. I've only watched six Ted Talks.
200327 -- The moron I hired keeps watching TED Talks and getting smarter. - He's only about three TED Talks away from taking your job. - There must be a way to slow him down. I'll see if I can interest him in Instagram.
200328 -- I must leave you mental midgets behind as I go start up my own company. - I was once dumb like all of you. Then I started binge-watching TED talks, and I evolved. - What are you now? Some kind of god, I assume.
200329 -- Why did you tell our pointy-haired boss we need to do more testing on the prototype? - I didn't do anything of the sort. - Carl says you did. - Who is a better authority on what I said-a guy who wasn't in the room or me? - Good question. On one
200329 -- hand, Carl is an idiot and a known liar. - On the other hand, it is common for guilty people to say they are innocent. - What do /innocent/ people say when you accuse them of stuff? Who knows? Just don't do it again. I DIDN'T DO IT ONCE!!!
200330 -- And I plan to meet my targets by doing a variety of complicated things. - What kind of things? I'll send you a detailed list. - What if you forget to send it? With any luck, you'll forget you asked for it.
200331 -- The secret to being a great manager is hiring people who are smarter than you. - Then you have to take credit for their successes so they don't take your job. - I also find it helpful to start rumors that they steal.
200401 -- I invented goggled that remove humans from the scenery, so one can enjoy being alone. - Add noise-canceling headphones, and you'll never again have to experience the horror of human interaction. - You freakin' megadork. Mmmm, bliss.
200402 -- I accomplished fifteen tasks on my to-do list today. - That leaves only seven hundred tasks, not counting the twenty-three I added today. - I wonder what winning feels like. It's great.
200403 -- Why aren't you working? - My brain is full. - I'll check back later. I won't remember you.
200404 -- Your products are shoddy, and your sales teams are incompetent. - But there is a theoretical amount of marketing genius that can fix all of that. - Are you that genius? Please, you're making me blush.
200405 -- That meeting ran long, so now I only have ten minutes before the next one. - I'm supposed to bring a complete technical report, and I haven't even started it. - I hate this stupid job! - I hate my boss! I hate my stupid co-workers! - I DON'T
200405 -- CARE ABOUT ANYTHING ANYMORE! - I'll just angrily slap together a bunch of nonsense and call it good. GRRRRRR!!! - This is your best report ever. WHAT? - Today I learned a dangerous lesson about reality.
200406 -- The Marketing Genius My genius alone will not be enough to fix the problems at this company. - This looks like a five-Dogbert situation. That is why I arranged to clone myself five times. - What's the extra clone for? That one takes the blame.
200407 -- I've got three Dogberts working on your marketing plan, but even that isn't enough. - I'd bump it up to five Dogberts, but then we risk creating a singularity event. -I don't get it. Read a book.
200408 -- My team of Dogbert clones has reversed your slumping sales. - Your products are still shoddy, but we use mind control to make people not notice. - It's all perfectly legal. I wasn't going to ask.
200409 -- I had to dissolve my consulting company because I made the mistake of staffing it with my clones. - Every one of them embezzled from me. - That sort of ended my journey of self-discovery.
200410 -- You know what's wrong with this room? - Not enough of me in it. That's what. - Are you testing your fake confidence? Is it working?
200411 -- I've contacted my lawyer to sue you for sexist jokes. - Your humor is not funny, and there's a good chance it's illegal. - I just learned that I am criminally unfunny. You're always the last to know.
200412 -- Philosophers say loving yourself is the greatest love of all. - Do philosophers really say that? - All the good ones do. - After years of trying, I have finally learned to love myself. - I'm no philosopher, but instead of learning to love
200412 -- yourself the way you are... - Wouldn't it be better if you learned how to stop being an evil, ignorant, selfish piece of garbage? - That sounds a lot harder. - In other words, you are lazy. I LOVE THAT ABOUT ME!
200413 -- Do you have a minute to help me? - Absolutely. I'll be right back after I drop off something at my desk. - I'll never see you again, will I? Don't take the mystery out of it.
200414 -- Do you mind if I come to work on my vacation days? - I hate being scolded for being behind in my work more than I enjoy taking vacations. - It seems I have trained you well. No, I'm just broken.
200415 -- I hope you all saw the poster I put in the break room with our list of values. - I didn't see it. What are our values? I don't remember. - Are you allowed to steal? I don't think so, but I'm guessing.
200416 -- I have a doctor appointment. What's wrong with you? - THAT'S NONE OF YOUR STINKIN' BUSINESS! STAY OUT OF MY LIFE! - Didn#t you advise me to show interest in my employees? I was pranking you. They hate that.
200417 -- Wally, your work ethic is abysmal. You're fired. - Wouldn't it make more sense to loan me to a project you hate, so I can rot it from the inside? - That's not your worst idea. Is a raise out of question?
200418 -- I hear there's a great job opening in operations for someone with your background. - Big salary, private office. Looks like a great opportunity for you. - Are you trying to get rid of me? Not in a way you are supposed to notice.
200419 -- We have some problems in our Elbonian factory. - How bad? They lost power in the main floor. - That's not so bad. The employees were scared. - They'll get over it. One of then tripped in the dark. - Big deal. He accidentally opened a gas line.
200419 -- - A little gas never hurt anyone. Now there's a crater where the capital city used to be. - - Let's keep an eye on that.
200420 -- Sorry, no longer shake hands. - I can practically SEE the viral load on that filthy paw of yours. - You can't "see" a virus. hee-hee! that's how we gotcha.
200421 -- I'm working at home to avoid the Coronavirus. - I'll have to stay here 24 hours a day. That's tragic. - I don't mind. I meant tragic for me.
200422 -- You have nothing to fear from the Coronavirus but fear itself. - Obviously, the fear will increase your Cortisol levels and depress your immune system so the virus can finish you off. - Now I'm scared. Dead man walking!
200423 -- Day On of Working from Home I'm getting a lot done. - Day Two of Working from Home If I goofed off a LITTLE, would anyone know? - Day Three of Working from Home Lame fort. It's version 1.0.
200424 -- I can't get any work done at home because I keep hearing your footsteps all day! - Excuse me for living. I'll try hovering from now on. - Can you do that? There's a lot you don't know about me.
200425 -- Wally, I need you to practice "Social Distancing" until the virus risk has passed. - I already do that. I haven't hugged since the eighties. - Good job. High five. Back off.
200426 -- I've designed these over-ear headphones for maximum customer annoyance. - The charging port is only on one side, so the user has a fifty percent chance of guessing wrong. - And the charger only fits if you put it in right-side up. - To increase
200426 -- the frustration, I mad the plug look the same on both sides. - Best of all, the plug is so poorly designed that half the time it doesn't seem to fit, even when you put it in correctly. - I made the headphones black, so you can't easily find the
200426 -- charger hole in low light. - Ninety percent of users will be cursing us every time they try to recharge. - Customers won't know any of this until after they purchase. Ship it.
200427 -- Uh-oh. A human being is walking in my direction. - AAAAGH!!! - I need to ask you to back up six feet.
200428 -- We need to do spring cleaning. - Delete any data on our servers that make us look like white-collar criminals or drunken baboons. - All that leaves is our birthday list. Torch that too.
200429 -- I hard times, you really find out who your friends are. - I assume you have hundreds of friends by now because of all the times you have been friend-zoned. - I'm starting to think they were insincere.
200430 -- I used to be rich, but lost it all in the stock market crash during the pandemic. - Luckily, I can make up the difference by working you idiots to death while underpaying you. - We thought you didn't have a strategy. I just don't like to talk
200430 -- about it.
200501 -- Can I borrow your stapler? - Not with your bare hands. But I can wrap it in plastic and leave a hole for the staples to come out. - Maybe you can just lend me a paper clip. I'll throw it to you.
200502 -- We're running low on copier paper. - I know. I hoarded it all in my house when someone said we might have a shortage. - Can you bring some of it back? That would defeat the point of hoarding.
200503 -- Your method of calculating the safety statistics is flawed. - Wow. Wait until I tell everyone you don't think safety matters. - I...didn't say that. I'm talking about the way you measured it. - IT'S TOO LATE TO WALK IT BACK NOW! - I'm not
200503 -- "walking it back." I'm clarifying. - There's nothing to clarify. You hate safety. - STOP PUTTING WORDS INTO MY MOUTH!!! I'M A BETTER AUTHORITY ON WHAT I THINK THAN YOU ARE!!! - What was all that yelling about? Dilbert thinks safety doesn't
200503 -- matter.
200504 -- Our data security team informs me we have an Elbonian spy in our midst. - Maybe it's this Elbonian guy you hired. Whoa, that is super-racist. - Is it you? Yes, but I don't see how that excuses you.
200505 -- Our security team says you have been sending our proprietary data to Elbonia. - You can't prove that. I monitor all of your Internet activities. - I monitor all of your internet activity, too. Then let's forget we had this conversation.
200506 -- I need a quick decision on this, but I don't have time to compile the relevant facts. - Without facts, I would be just guessing. It won't affect your career average. - Why wouldn't it? Let's change the subject.
200507 -- Is this data accurate? - You don't go to war with the data you need. You go to war with the data you have. - Did you just make it sound noble to use bad data? And heroic.
200508 -- According to our newest data, 100% of the people who upgraded to version 2.0 of our software died the same day. - But we don't think it means anything because all of them had underlying health issues. - How did they ALL have underlying health
200508 -- issues? Version 1.0 had some rough edges, too.
200509 -- I haven't had any human contact for months. - People need human contact to keep their oxytocin at healthy levels. - Get away from me. Maybe if we both close our eyes.
200510 -- Dogbert, I need you to train Asok to fill in for you on tech support. - The goal of tech support is to convince the caller the problem is on their end. - I do this by recommending increasingly difficult things for them to try. - Eventually,
200510 -- they give up. Watch and learn. - Uh-huh... Uh-huh... Try rebooting your computer. - Now try it again while holding control-escape-space bar-delete for exactly 27.3 seconds. - No luck=? Try looking at your computer's binary code to find any
200510 -- zeros and ones that are out of order. - Aaand he's gone. click Genius!
200511 -- What do you think of my slide deck? - I reviewed all 26 of your slides, and I can't figure out what your point is. - I could put the point on slide 27. Or just give up.
200512 -- I hired a scienceplainer for our meetings. - He'll interrupt us every ten minutes to explain, in a condescending way, how science works. - Why do we need that? It's just something we do.
200513 -- The Sciencesplainer We don't have any data yet, but we are hearing good reports. - Those reports are anecdotal. You need a controlled study to be certain. - Literally EVERYONE already knows that. Sure, but did you know accurate data are even
200513 -- better than bad data?
200514 -- Why do you keep explaining to me how science works when you know I already know? - Did you know anecdotal evidence can be misleading? YES!!! I KNEW THAT!!! - Have you ever heard of the placebo effect? GAAAA!!!
200515 -- I like working form home. I can do eight hours of work in one hour because no one is interrupting me. - I'M TRYING TO WORK HERE! - Did I tell you about my bowel problems? GO AWAY!
200516 -- I'm going into the office to upgrade a server. - According to my boss, reducing network latency is more important than my life. - Can I depend on you to not change the locks while I'm gone? Only if you sleep in the garage.
200517 -- Have you ever tried meditating? - Sounds like a lot of work. - It is the opposite of work. - All you have to do is sit in one place and think of nothing in particular. - Can I drink coffee at the same time? - That is not recommended. - In other
200517 -- words, meditating is what I already do, but without the advantage of coffee? - Perhaps you have already achieved enlightenment. Feels that way to me.
200518 -- Do you wear makeup under the mask where noone can see it? - Or do you leave your snout area all pale and pimply? - Stop imagining me unmasked. I'll report myself to human resources.
200519 -- Would you like to join me for lunch? - I don't even want to be in the same zip code as your diseased mouth. - No offense. None taken.
200520 -- To avoid spreading viruses, there will be no shaking hands in the workplace. - That custom has been replaced by uncomfortable body language and awkward banter about not shaking hands. - Are high-fives still okay? Yes, we don't care if those
200520 -- people live or die.
200521 -- That is a dumb idea, you pointy-haired fool. - Who mumbled that? I can't tell with your face masks. - Meetings just got a lot more fun. WHO IS SAYING THAT???
200522 -- Do you have ten minutes to come talk to me about the project timeline? - Yes, but it isn't worth exposing myself to your virus-droplet hellscape. - I'll just guess what you would have said. I think that's best.
200523 -- Scientists say our smartphones can spread the corona virus. - That's why I no longer answer the phone. You never know if the caller is infected. - I don't think... Let it go.
200524 -- And by using this system, we will drastically reduce theft. - That's the dumbest thing I have ever heard. - No one can stop theft everywhere in the world. - I said we would reduce it, not eliminate it. And only for your own products. - So, in
200524 -- other words, it won't work. - It works to REDUCE theft. But you admit there will still be theft. - WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU???? - Hey, I'm not the one who is in favor of theft.
200525 -- The Coronavirus is a hoax. It is no more dangerous than a common cold. - It's almost as if you are inviting the universe to smite you. - DON'T JINX ME! It's far too late.
200526 -- If you keep saying the Coronavirus is a hoax, you are practically begging the universe to infect you. - Don't be superstitious. That's not how anything works, you moron. - COUGH COUGH NO, KARMA! NOT ME!
200527 -- Are you worried about Coronavirus because you're in a high-risk group? - Why would I be in a high-risk group? - Do you own a full-length mirror? No, they make me look fat.
200528 -- I heard you are not practicing social distancing. Can I borrow some money? - What does social distancing have to do with borrowing money? - I like borrowing money when I might not have to pay it back.
200529 -- Why is everyone so panicked about Coronavirus when maybe only 1% who get it will die? - One percent of the population of earth would be...77 million dead. - Yes, but the whole world WON'T bet it. They will if they listen to you.
200530 -- No face mask? - I have antibodies for the virus. - I'm pretty sure I had the virus last January when I had a throat tickle. - I wonder why virus test kits exist when we can just ask people if they had it. I was wondering the same.
200531 -- I've had no human contacts for months. - I wasn't expecting to enjoy it so much. - My love life was already a barren wasteland. - And avoiding my co-workers is always good. - I haven't been stressed, tired, or bored in weeks. - I only have one
200531 -- remaining source of stress in my life. - - I'm printing money in the basement. There it is.
200601 -- My throat has a tickle, so I'd better take a month off to work. - The Coronavirus tests can have some false negatives, and I love you too much to put you at risk. - Did it work? No, I sold it too hard.
200602 -- I think we should seriously consider ending the face mask policy. - You know I'm in a high-risk group, and you are in a low-risk group. Are you Trying to assassinate me? - You can't prove that. I was hoping for something closer to a denial.
200603 -- What do you think of my idea? - To be hones, I didn't hear a word of it. I spent the whole time being worried about that bead of sweat on your forehead. - It's warm in here! If you need me, I'll be a thousand yards in that direction.
200604 -- Our factories are back online, but we have no buyers. REVENUE $0 - It turns out that our customer base overlaps with the people who recently poisoned themselves with household disinfectants. - Who could have seen that coming? I won a bet on it.
200605 -- Haha! You idiot! How dare you disagree with the foremost experts in this field! - Here's a breaking story about those same experts being arrested today for falsifying data. - In a sane world, this information would serve to modify your strong
200605 -- opinion. That's not how any of this works.
200606 -- I hired a guy who is always wrong, yet he is inexplicably confident. - Why? We already have one of you. - I don't know what you mean by that, but I am confident it is wrong.
200607 -- I wrote a software patch that will save three million dollars per year. - It feels as if I deserve a bonus or a raise. - When did you do it? This week. - How long did we have the problem? Five years. - Then you should have fixed it five years
200607 -- ago. - Looks like a gigantic failure to me. You should be ashamed of yourself. - - Did you try my strategy for keeping payroll expenses low? Works like magic.
200608 -- Why did you disband the technology task force? They were critical. - I didn't. I just replaced the people and changed the mission. - That sounds a lot like disbanding it.
200609 -- Did you see the shocking claims in the video I emailed you? - Yes, The video is so obviously fake that only a raging moron would think any of it is true. - I think it's all true. Welp, that's one data point in my favor.
200610 -- I didn't like your analysis, so I made some hate-edits. - What's a hate-edit? You'll see. - You changed "in my opinion" to "according to the squirrels in my skull". There you go.
200611 -- I got your E-Mail, but I didn't have time to include your upgrades on my analysis. - It's better to be timely than right because our boss can't judge the quality of our work, but he knows when it's late. - Why is that everything true is also
200611 -- sad? That's how the truth works.
200612 -- I have a great idea. Let's create a Google document that we can all update. - That is exactly the idea I suggested to you yesterday. - You can't prove that. That was only true until I learned to wear a wire.
200613 -- Do you have any emergencies for me to work on? I do. - Perfect! I needed an excuse to avoid working on the boring parts of my job. - I also need your status report by end of day. I would totally do that if not for this darned emergency.
200614 -- We need your help making a decision. - Jeff doesn't understand my product strategy because he isn't an engineer. - And I don't understand anything of his marketing nonsense. That's why we came to you. - Because I understand both marketing and
200614 -- engineering? - No, it's because you don't understand either one. - We didn't have a coin to flip, and your decisions are totally random, so... - Maybe you could describe the situation. I don't see how that helps.
200615 -- We need to make decisions based on real data! - Who do you imagine disagrees with that obvious statement? - Uh-oh. I just realized I'm dumb and never knew it. I hear it can sneak up on you.
200616 -- ...and we can get that all installed in thirty days. - Why do you not care about safety? Literally everyone cares about safety. - Then why didn't you mention it? Blah, blah, safety. Happy? continued...
200617 -- I hear you were being sarcastic about safety. - Obviously, you don't take safety seriously, so I have to send you to a safety reeducation camp for a week. - That will totally fix this problem. You just bought yourself an extra week.
200618 -- Welcome to Dogbert's Corporate Safety Training. - Don't touch anything, don't move around, and don't talk to anyone. EVER! Thanks for coming. - That's the whole class? Don't blame me for being good at summarizing.
200619 -- Ugh. Dilbert is on the project team? That guy doesn't believe in safety. - Just out of curiosity, what evidence of that extremely weird allegation have you seen? - What evidence do you have that you exist? See? Anyone can do that.
200620 -- The office is a beautiful place when everyone else is working from home. - No distractions, private bathroom, and I no longer need to suppress my bodily noises. - BRRAAAP! Freedom!
200621 -- I analyzed our only two options. - One option costs too much, and the other option is impossible. - Let's do the impossible one. - Perhaps you can explain your reasoning. - According to you, we will fail either way. - But if we fail in a slow
200621 -- and inexpensive way, no one will even notice for months. - With any luck, we'll have a corporate reorganization that forever hides our gross incompetence. - Have you done this before? Every six months.
200622 -- Have you tested this to know it will work? - I tested it anecdotically. - I don't know what that word means. Well played.
200623 -- I can't tell the difference between good ideas and bad ones. - There are smart people on both sides of every idea. - What rational process do you use to determine who is right? - I label people who disagree with me "idiots" and call it a day.
200624 -- Wally, can you help me on this? - No, I'm more of a generalist than a subject matter expert. - What kind of work do generalists do? You just saw it.
200625 -- Get Ted's input before you finalize the plan. - Ted is the dumbest human being in the universe. His opinion can only make things worse. - That's how we do it here. I didn't realize it was a strategy.
200626 -- Per your orders, I got input from a variety of people who are dumber and less informed than I am. - As you might imagine, the net effect was to make everything worse. - Are you done? I just want to thank you for all the leadership.
200627 -- I finished the data throughput tests, but the results are not credible because of a problem with the test. - Does the not-credible data make us look good? - Yes. Our name for that kind of data is "credible".
200628 -- it must be difficult to be single in the age of Covid-19. - It's not too bad, actually. - I'm in contract negotiations with a semi-attractive woman I met online. - With any luck, I will be enjoying a double-masked goodnight kiss by late next
200628 -- month. - That assumes our lawyers don't make too many changes to the contract. - Did you just say she is only semi-attractive? - I'm judging from the parts I can see. I don't know what's under the mask and shower cap she wears all day. - You
200628 -- must like her eyes. I like the one I can see. The other one has a patch.
200629 -- The news says there's a major outbreak of cooties in Elbonia. - I don't think cooties is a real thing. - Experts say one of the symptoms of cooties is "denying science."
200630 -- In my professional opinion, you have a bad case of cooties. - We don't have any tests for cooties, but the main symptom is skepticism, and you have that. - Cooties are not real. Diagnosis confirmed.
200701 -- We need to do contact tracking to determine who else you might have infected with cooties. - How many women have you had physical contact with in the past two weeks? - I'd rather not say. I'll put you down for zero.
200702 -- AH-CHOO!!! - SLAP! - The pundits were right-everything is different now.
200703 -- Would you like to go to dinner with me? - Only if you self-quarantine for two weeks first. - Can do! Well, it seems I underestimated your desperation.
200704 -- How did you cope with the loss of social contact during the pandemic? - Best weeks of my life. - How about you? I didn't want to be the first to say it.
200705 -- Maybe I could permanently work at home. - No problem. I just need a few things from you to make sure you are working. - Such as? - Well, obviously, I need frequent status reports. - Sounds reasonable. - And I'll need to track your keystrokes
200705 -- and your phone's location. - Wow. Well, okay. I guess I can get used to that in return for my freedom to work at home. - Now that I've loosened you up, let's talk about fitting you for a body cam.
200706 -- Just fill out these five pages of information, and we're good to go. No. - Cancel the order, and I'll find an easier vendor to work with. - In that case, all I need is your signature. THAT WORKED? continued...
200707 -- Yesterday I refused to do something I had been asked to do because it was stupid. - And it worked out fine. - Don't let the power go to your head. I AM OFF THE LEASH! continued...
200708 -- Put this on a pie chart instead of a line graph. - No, that's stupid. I'm not going to do that. - Oh. Okay. Why is this working? continued...
200709 -- Did you know you can just refuse to do things that are stupid, and it will be okay? - I don't believe that. It's true! I've been testing it all week. - Take a video next time you do it so I can see how. No, that's stupid.
200710 -- I've been saying, "No" to people all week, and nothing bad happened to me. - Why did I never know about this superpower? Now I am the ruler of my own destiny! - Scooch over. No.
200711 -- Why should we do what you are suggesting when literally no one has ever tried it before? - Because everything good and amazing had to be done by someone for the first time. - Will this be good and amazing? Let's keep this on the concept level.
200712 -- We agreed at our last meeting to postpone the version release. - No, we agreed to do it sooner. I don't think so. - Who took notes at the last meeting? I did. - Forwarding those notes to each of you. * click - - Um...your notes are mostly
200712 -- insults about the intelligence of your co-workers and...some sort of snack list. - This is no help at all. - Don't blame ME. I'm not the one who schedules these meetings when I'm hungry.
200713 -- Members of your staff have complained that you are a white supremacist. - But...I'm not. That's not for you to decide. - Who gets to decide? People who want your job. It's not a perfect system.
200714 -- I'm getting reports from your staff that you're a white supremacist. - But I'm not. We have proof because you follow racists on Twitter. - What makes you think they are racists? Because they follow you on Twitter.
200715 -- I have to fire you because employees are saying you are a white supremacist. But I'm not. - Doesn't matter. I car more about my career than your life. - You're firing me just to look good? And I'll need to punch you in front of witnesses.
200716 -- I have been unjustly accused of being a white supremacist, and my boss just fired me for it. - Alice is the obvious choice to take my job, so I assume you will hear something on that soon. - I wish I knew who had the motive to start that rumor
200716 -- and get me fired.
200717 -- I was falsely accused of being a white supremacist and fired. - But I won in arbitration and got my job back! - How did you win? Bribery. Once you realize the whole system is rotten, it's easier.
200718 -- A new study shows that all data about everything is wrong. - Experts advised using horoscopes and guesswork to make decisions. - My coworkers already do that. They were ahead of their time.
200719 -- I'm starting a whisper campaign against my rival in management. - I want you to tell people he buys babies from the poor and eats them. - No one is dumb enough to believe that. - People will believe anything. - Not ANYTHING. - Yes, anything. -
200719 -- Fine. I'll try it, but only to prove you how wrong you are. - How many does he eat per day? I need a new planet.
200720 -- I'm thinking about writing a book. - Can boring people write interesting books? - Maybe I write better than I speak. - Sure, and maybe an elephant lives in my colon.
200721 -- I'm thinking about writing a novel. STAY IN YOUR LINE! - I'M NOT AMBITIOUS AND I HAVE INTENSE HATE-JEALOUSY FOR ANYONE WHO IS! - I was looking for some encouragement. DIE! DIE! DIE!
200722 -- I've noticed that we used to talk about employee morale... - But now we talk about "engagement" and "workplace culture." Why is that? - We found out it doesn't matter if you are happy. Remind me to never ask another question.
200723 -- You did not have sufficiant empathy when I told you my sad story. - How could you possibly measure my internal feelings of empathy? - I used my empathy sensor. That's a stapler.
200724 -- I ran the numbers, and your plan does not work under any reasonable set of assumptions. - Have you tried "unreasonable" assumptions? - Why would I do that? Well, to keep your job, for example.
200725 -- What college did you go to? I'd rather not say. - The only people who answer that way are people who went to Harvard. - Do they teach you false modesty? It was my major.
200726 -- We need to manage with data! - Do we have any useful data? Not really. - So...actually, we need to GET data before we can USE data. - We don't have time for your analysis paralysis! - I think you're taking both sides of the same argument. - You
200726 -- insist on using data, but you don't want to wait for data. - It's called leadership. You wouldn't understand. - Oh, I think I do. Stop being such a mask hole.
200727 -- I've been working here for nine years, and you haven't given me a single raise! - I didn't even know you worked for me. Obviously, you didn't do anything useful, or I would have noticed. - Well, in that case, I'm glad I didn't give my name.
200728 -- What would you say are your weaknesses? - I have a disrespect for authority. - But...you don't act on it, right? Let's not take the surprise out of it.
200729 -- I'm starting to think I'm a bad judge of character. - The last three people I hired turned out to be termite colonies in clothes. - How did they disguise the face part? They learned from Youtube makeup videos.
200730 -- I hired a guy to complain at every meeting by saying, "WE HAVE NO STRATEGY"." - I got him cheap because that's all he does. - Some would say we don't need him. Maybe they're jealous of his wisdom. No strategy.
200731 -- I stopped using good arguments because sarcasm works better. - That doesn't sound like a productive thing to do. - Oooh, look who's an expert on productivity now.
200801 -- I'm taking the rest of the day off to recover from trauma. - I accidentally saw a video clip from TV news. - Can't you block that? I tried, but they keep finding ways to sneak it past my defenses.
200802 -- I estimate the odds at a 70% chance things go well, and a 30% chance we lose money on the deal. - If we lose money, will you admit you were wrong? - How could I be wrong? I'm just telling you the odds. - If we lose money, that's on you for
200802 -- recommending it. - Um...no. I'm telling you the odds and letting you decide. - But you're the one saying this is such a great deal. - I'M ONLY TELLING YOU THE *ODDS*, YOU PEA-BRAINED IGNORAMUS! - So, you /won't/ admit you were wrong?
200803 -- Are you listening to me? It looks as if you are using your phone. - I can do two things at once. I'll bet you can't even hear me, you ridiculous moron. - Uh-huh uh-huh go on. You smell like old socks, and your brain is made of cheese.
200804 -- Dilbert can answer any of your questions, but I have another meeting. - Not really. I have no involvement in the project. He just told me to follow him to this room. - Well, this is awkward. How about I go to the restroom and never come back?
200805 -- Put some numbers on this decision so it looks as if we thought about it longer. - Are you seriously telling me to do the analysis AFTER the decision? - If you need help, talk to one of the experienced liars in the department.
200806 -- Try offering 90% less price and see if they take it. - No one reduces their prices by 90% just because you want him to do. - I will look stupid for asking! Watch how that doesn't impact me at all.
200807 -- Can you finish the server migration by Monday? No way. - How hard can it be? You only say that about things you don't understand. - I ask that question every day. Yup.
200808 -- Okay, that's all for today unless anyone else has a question. - Please let it end. Please let it end. Please let it end. - What's the company vision? GAAA!!!
200809 -- Can you believe a vendor tried to come in in here with no face mask? - I told him it didn't matter what kind of face covering he used. it only mattered that he had one. - This is where my tale takes a dark turn. - Now peeved, the vendor stormed
200809 -- back to his car, where he had a bagged lunch. - He angrily removed the plastic wrap from his sandwich. - And wrapped it around his head to serve as his face mask. - He suffocated in minutes, obviously. - Is that the sandwich? Would have gone to
200809 -- waste.
200810 -- I invented an app that makes your phone ring to get you out of meetings. - How does that fit our strategic direction? bing bing bing! - I need to take this call.
200811 -- I need to say something to show I'm paying attention. - I'm concerned that the project could reduce employee engagement. - What does that even mean? I wasn't expecting follow-up questions.
200812 -- Can I give you some helpful advice? - Judging by the quality of your life, I'd say you probably can't. - Leave my personal life out of it. Okay, let's talk about the putrid quality of your work.
200813 -- I edited you incredibly complex document and sent it to you by E-Mail. - I don't see your highlighted changes. I forgot to turn on the edit tracker. - I'm going to accidentally delete your E-Mail. That's probably how I'd play it to.
200814 -- I thought you said we would be testing the software by today. - Nope. I never said anything remotely like that. - I can't let this go. I didn't think you could.
200815 -- I forwarded your E-Mail to Ted. WHAT?!!! - I said bad things about Ted! That was a private E-Mail to you! - He needed to know. HE DID NOT NEED TO KNOW!
200816 -- When humans were primitive and dumb, they used their superstitions and biases to make decisions. - Eventually, science won out, and we evolved to use data and reason to make decisions. - How'd that work out? - Not so good. - It turns out that
200816 -- all of our data are unreliable and conflicting.- And we don't have the mental capacity to use reason. - It's still better than guessing. - How do you KNOW that? You are hard to talk to.
200817 -- Did you watch the video I sent? - it's a burden to know you because you keep assigning me homework. - I'm trying to be helpful. Can you help my enemies instead?
200818 -- I think I have social media poisoning. - It makes me feel defensive and angry all the time, but I can't quit. - You've gained five pounds. YOU FAT-SHAMING QUACK!
200819 -- I want you to fire Dilbert because he said I might be nuts. - He wouldn't say that to a man. - He said the same thing to me last week. IT DOESN'T COUNT IF IT'S TRUE!
200820 -- Dilbert, I need you to respond to this reporter who thinks our 5G technology is dangerous. - Is it dangerous? How would I know? - Maybe I should study it first. Never mind. I'll ask someone else.
200821 -- According to people on social media, our 5G technology will "give you a bird head." - Maybe we should study it a bit more. - Nah. I'd wait until we see a beak.
200822 -- Our 5G test accidentally opened a doorway to the demon world. - Let's keep that to ourselves so we don't spook the public. - Don't tell me. Tell Daryll. Hey, nice world you have here.
200823 -- We need to reduce our expense budget to 40% of our capital budget. - Why do we need to do that? Because the ratio is too high. - Are you saying we can't afford it? - No. I'm saying the ratio is too high. - Okay, but by what standard is it "too
200823 -- high"? - By historical standards. It has never been this high. - I don't think we want to start using an irrelevant ratio to manage the department. - To be fair, this is just the first time you noticed.
200824 -- What's the name of the month that comes after October? November. - That's what I thought. My wife is trying to gaslight me so she doesn't have to buy a birthday present. - How long has she been doing that? I thought I was 26 years old until
200824 -- just now.
200825 -- Did you hear Ted took a selfie with a wild bear? - Wow. Where can I see that picture? - You'd need to ask the bear. It didn't go well.
200826 -- You should see a therapist about your narcissism. - If I'm happy and you're unhappy, doesn't that mean you should see a therapist and I should stay the way I am? - No, that's totally wrong, but give me a minute to come up with a reason.
200827 -- You think you made a good argument, but... - You are failing to consider the overall implications of th long-term ramifications with regard to strategic priorities. - That big bowl of word salad suggests I triggered you into cognitive
200827 -- dissonance. Tuna carpet!
200828 -- Do you have any suggestions for improving the app? - Yes, but you are far too dumb to implement any of them, so I won't bother. - At least tell me where the problems are. - The big ones are all in this big bag of skin.
200829 -- I got feedback on the proposed package design. - Our VP of sales says if we go with this design, he, will "Jump off the roof." - Is he crazy or just good at selling? No way to tell.
200830 -- The government is threatening to regulate us like a monopoly. - Are we NOT a monopoly? - We are simply a company that makes an essential product for modern life, and we have no real competition. - That sounds like a monopoly. - No, we are not a
200830 -- monopoly because other companies COULD compete with us if they wanted. - And if they tried? - As soon as they got some traction, we'd buy them and shut them down. - So...they would fail every time? But they could TRY.
200831 -- The company is considering no longer requiring employees to wear I.D. badges. - YES! FREEDOM! Too soon. Hold...hold... - ...in favor of permanent forehead tattoos. Always wait for the second part.
200901 -- ...so, maybe you can help? I'll look into it. - Perhaps you could write yourself a little note so you don't forget. Nah. - Should I abandon all hope now or wait? Depends how much you like surprises.
200902 -- I've noticed that the more experience I gain, the more cynical and jaded I become. - Am I doomed to become a golem-like creature with a bad attitude if I work here long enough? - No offense. None taken.
200903 -- Our pointy-haired boss isn't returning my messages. Do you think he plans to fire me? - No. Phew! Good. - You're just totally unimportant to him. Yes! That's where I want to be!
200904 -- You did great work on this... - ...which has the tragic effect of making my work look less good in comparison. - Will you be punishing me for my good work? Yes, but think of it as you not being selfish.
200905 -- I think you're wrong. What error did I make? - I'm basing my decision on your entire career of being wrong about everything. - I hope I'm not the first person to point that out. Give me a moment to reassess my entire life.
200906 -- Why have you changed your opinion since last week? - I haven't changed my opinion. - No, it was different last week. - Are we really debating which one of us is a better authority on MY OPINION? - You might be lying about not changing your
200906 -- opinion. - And you might be hallucinating or just lying or just stupid. - You might be trying to gaslight me right now. - I'm glad we can have these honest talks. I hope you plunge to death in an elevator accident.
200907 -- That stupid Coronavirus is no match for a healthy, young leader such as yourself. - Freedom demands that you go to crowded indoor spaces without wearing a mask. - Are you trying to kill me? I'd say there's reasonable doubt.
200908 -- The entire management team has contracted Coronavirus and is quarantined. - They asked me to tell you to stop working, because without their wisdom, you idiots will ruin everything. - Any questions? No, I think you covered the main themes.
200909 -- They say the best way to manage the Coronavirus is to spread it to people you dislike. - The happiness you get from that will boost your immune system. - Maybe I'll get my medical advice from an actual doctor. They leave out the good stuff.
200910 -- My new software is called "Artificial Dumbness". - It acts dumb so humans will think they are talking to one of their own. - That couldn't possibly work.  THAT COULDN'T POSSIBLY WORK.
200911 -- Does it reduce your confidence in our management that 100% of them got infected with corona virus? - All I know is that I won $200 betting it would happen. - How often do you bet on their stupidity? Often enough to double my income.
200912 -- My name is... Stop right there. - My augmented reality glasses are showing me your entire social media history. - I hope it makes a good first impression. MY GOD, YOU ARE DUMB!
200913 -- How confident is your analysis? - Very confident. Good. - Unless I used the wrong discount rate, which is hard to know. - But otherwise, it's solid? - Except for the installation maintenance costs, which are wild guesses. - And we don't know if
200913 -- we sized the project right, so costs could double or triple. - It sounds as if you applied math to a bunch of wild guesses. - Yes, but I got the result you wanted. Next time, just say that.
200914 -- Well, I personally doubled my income during the pandemic. - Now I have a bad case of survivor guilt. - Do you expect to get much sympathy for that? I won't know until I try.
200915 -- We doubled our income during the pandemic, and it isn't a good look. - We need to make some sort of insincere gesture of support for people who are suffering. - Or we could actually help people. I'm thinking more along the lines of a sign in
200915 -- the foyer.
200916 -- We added the following trick question to our interview process...do black lives matter? - Yes, of course. Say more about that. - I think ALL... DISMISSED!
200917 -- It has come to my attention that many of the words we use at work are racist and often sexist. - For example, we can no longer refer to the main power shut-off as a "Master Switch." - Is that the one on the server rack? We call those "Shelves"
200917 -- now.
200918 -- We are adding a chip to your employee badges so we can track your social distancing. - That sounds like a convenient excuse to do something you've always wanted to do anyway. - That's probably a coincidence.
200919 -- According to my employee tracker, you spent 45 minutes in stall four of the men's room today. - I thought you said the purpose of tracking us was to ensure social distancing. - I think you have to accept some responsibility for believing it.
200920 -- I installed a silencer in our pointy-haired boss's face mask. - Now he's the only one who can hear himself talk, but he doesn't know it. - Here he comes.  Play along. - - Uh-huh. - Okay, thanks. - And I can do the same thing to the face mask of
200920 -- anyone else who bores me. - Uh-huh.
200921 -- I couldn't help noticing you are having a heated discussion. - Watch me use my conflict resolution skills to lower the temperature. - Okay, what were you idiots yammering about? Solid start.
200922 -- When you write the project summary, make it seem as if we didn't make any mistakes. - You want me to lie? That would be a massive ethical violation. - No, no. I only want you to omit important context. WHY DOES MAY STOMACH HURT?
200923 -- Is it lying if I leave out important context from my project updates? - That's called "Business Lying," and it is totally acceptable. - But it makes me feel sick. That's how you know you are doing it right.
200924 -- "No one on the project team could have foreseen the problem that..." - You are a lying piece of garbage. Who said that? - It's your soul. We can't hang out anymore. Fine. You were slowing me down.
200925 -- Do you think karma is real? Nah. - I'd like you to meet the newest member of our team. His name is Karma. - If you need me, I'll be hiding. I hear one of you has been bad.
200926 -- Why did your parents name you Karma? - I don't have parents. I AM Karma. - I suppose we have lots to discuss. Let's start with volume one.
200927 -- I'll be in your neighborhood Saturday. Maybe I'll stop by. - I'm not falling for that trick. - What trick? - The trick where you give me an estimated time and then push it back seven times until you cancel. - I'll be stuck waiting at home until
200927 -- my whole day is wasted. - I promise I won't do that. I'll stick to the time. - What time is that? Depends on how my day goes. - And so it begins. I'll text you if I'm running late.
200928 -- I don't like what you wrote about my project, so I took one of your quotes out of context, to make you look dumb, and sent it to your boss. - That won't work, because once I explain the proper context, he will see there is nothing to it. -
200928 -- Later Tat Day ...so, as you can see, that quote was out of context. LIAR!!!
200929 -- I've noticed that none of my critics are intelligent. Smart people always seem to agree with me. - What makes you think they are smart? - Because they agree with me. I have to give you a maskless "duh" for that. DUH!
200930 -- If I have to listen to you repeat that same point one more time, I'm going to jump out a window. - That sounds like a bluff. I packet a parachute. - ...anyway, to reiterate...
201001 -- Would you like an update on my project? No not really. - I only give you the projects I don't care about. - I just lost my will to live. That is exactly why I plan to replace you with a robot.
201002 -- We aren't yet ready to replace engineers with robots, but that day will sneak up on us. - So I'd like all of you to train a robot to do your jobs, just so we are ready. - You want us to train our own replacements? This is another thing a robot
201002 -- would not argue about.
201003 -- Why did you tell our boss I have the wrong people on my project? - I didn't say that. In fact, I don't even know what your project is trying to accomplish, much less who is working with you on it. - Will we now proceed as if you didn't hear me
201003 -- say that? They are NOT the wrong people.
201004 -- Social distancing has been a great upgrade to my life. - In the old days, women avoided me by at least ten feet. - Now I often get within seven. - I think it's because I'm better-looking with most of my face covered. - Especially if I wear a
201004 -- hat and sunglasses. - And I learned that women will talk toe if I walk the wrong way down a grocery aisle. - They're usually complaining, but at least they make eye contact. - It's sort of a golden age for people like me.
201005 -- Your strategic technology plan was incoherent. - I had to run it through an astrology filter to make sense of it. And? - It says you are "full of taurus" and your plan "is a cancer." Sounds right.
201006 -- Carl, I hired you because you are tall, but now it doesn't matter because everyone looks the same height in Zoom. - Your height advantage has disappeared, so today will be your last day with the company. - Maybe instead you could cut my pay to
201006 -- the same level as short people. That just might work.
201007 -- I'd like to thank everyone who made the project a huge success. - Except for Ted, who made everything twice as hard as it needed to be. - I can hear you. You're slowing us down again, Ted.
201008 -- You don't need a mask for a Zoom call. - Can you back up that claim with a randomized clinical study? - I've noticed it's a lot easier to hate people lately.
201009 -- What did you accomplish this week? - I helped several of my co-workers solve critical problems. - And if I asked them to validate your claim? They're all huge liars.
201010 -- I finished my project in half the projected time. - That means I'm paying you twice as much as you deserve. - I don't think it means that at all. You look dumb arguing with math.
201011 -- How's the lab construction going? - I'm having some issues with the local building codes. - They seem unnecessarily stringent. - For example, we have to guarantee no rain touches the roof. - Why? No one knows. - But if we donate to the mayor's
201011 -- campaign, the city will designate the roof a "horizontal wall." - And then we can begin construction? - No, that's just the beginning of the false hope phase.
201012 -- When you schedule the Zoom call with the customer, be sure to include me. - Do you plan to use up all of of our time talking about yourself? - People enjoy context. It's as if you have never met a human.
201013 -- When do you think you can get me that estimate? - GET OFF THE COUCH WITH YOUR SHOES! NO! NO! NO! DO NOT THROW THE IPAD! AAAGH! I AM GOING TO STRANGLE YOU! - How do you like working at home? I'M ON A ZOOM CALL! I SAID I'M ON A CALL!!!
201014 -- I can't approve your plan until I know what the experts say. - I can save us some time by talking to the people who bribe the experts. I'll get the same answer, but faster. - OUCH! THE TRUTH HURTS! Take a deep breath. It will pass.
201015 -- Our safety record is the bes tin the industry! - That is both untrue and easy to debunk. Why would you even tell such a lie? - Do you think we're idiots? moving along...
201016 -- Protesters have surrounded our building. - Don't worry. I put a supportive sign in the lobby so they'll know we are on their side. - Update: our nine lower floors are on fire. Maybe I should have used a bigger sign.
201017 -- There's a problem with your executive compensation. - The company made so much money during the pandemic, that your bonus would be ten million dollars. - I earned it. You made Zoom calls wearing only socks.
201018 -- How long should I wait before responding to a text message from my boss? - That depends. Are you already overworked? Um, sure. - Do you need to teach him a lesson for any unrelated things he did? Always. - Do you dislike him in general? Yes. -
201018 -- Lastly, how many months until your next performance review? Seven. - Okay...pushing those inputs into my spreadsheet. - You can wait 27 minutes before responding. Oh. I was hoping it would be closer to five days. - When did he text you? I think
202018 -- it was in August.
202019 -- That silde deck in yesterday's meeting was lethally boring. - Luckily, allo of my training kicked in. - And that training taught you to...? Go to the bathroom and never return.
201020 -- You reported Covid-19 symptoms, so we have to quarantine you. - I don't have symptoms. I just said I did to avoid a meeting. - Well, you probably have it now. I haven't washed this hazmat suit in five months.
201021 -- I'm getting addicted to hand sanitizer. - It started with my hands, but over time, I extended it to my forearms, then behind my ears, and it just kept going. - Want a squirt? I don't know where that thing has been.
201022 -- Our space division asked if you would accept the honor of being their first astronaut to Mars. - I didn't know they had even tested it for safety yet. - He asked too many questions.
201023 -- Have you tested everything to make sure it is 100% safe? - Nothing is 100% safe. We don't liv ein that kind of reality. - But I'll bet you want me to say it anyway. - It's more about the blame later.
201024 -- I'd fight with you on the price of this software, but I'm more of a lover than a fighter. - Are you hitting on me? You'd better buy my software now, or I'll report you to your own human resources. - Okay okay. I'll do anything you want. Wow.
201024 -- You were right when you said you're not a fighter.
201025 -- As you instructed, I refused togive in to our biggest customer's demands and they cancelled all of their orders. - I didn't tell you to do that, you fool! - You told me to do /exactly/ that. - I never told you to lose our biggest customer! -
201025 -- You told me to refuse their demands. - But I dodn't tell you to lose the customer! - IT'S THE SAME THING!!! - The important thing is that it's your fault. I GET IT!!!
201026 -- I have a feeling you are doinf something wrong, but I don't know what. - Do you mind if I watch over your shoulder and look for mistakes as youmake them? - You don't have any friends, don't you? I like to travel light.
201027 -- I realize this report has Dilbert's name on it, but the credit goes to me. - Because I ordered him to do it. Actually, I came up with the idea and wrote it on my time. - Well, I created the culture tha tmade it all possible. I DID THE WORK!!!
201028 -- The Dunning-Kruger Effect is strong on you. - Technically, you can'd know if I am suffering from it or if you only think I am because YOU have it. - ONly a nacissist talks that way. I feel as if I have no path to glory here.
201029 -- Would you mind reviewing my 32-page slide deck and giving me your thoughts? - My thoughts are that only a sadist or an idiot would make a 32-page slide deck. - You�ll never guess which one I am. I feel as if I could.
201030 -- Well, I knew this would happen sooner or later. - You're an example of code reuse, which proves this reality is a software simulation. - Technically, that's not a "proof". HELLO, ME!
201031 -- Where do you want to go to lunch? - I want you to suggest a place so I can say yes but still make you feel bad about it. - How about the Thai place? Pffft. Sure. I'm not that hungry anyway.
201101 -- tap tap tap Are you available for a Zoom call? - He's typing something. Nope, he stopped. - Okay, he's typing again. No, he's stopped again. - I'm available at 2 P.M. tomorrow, thursday at 9 A.M., or next week any time after three, and now. -
201101 -- Perfect. How about now? - Answer coming. No, he stopped typing. - Ten Minutes Later ANSWER ME, YOU JERK!!! - Thirty Minutes Later Does now work? TOO LATE!!!
201102 -- Later I have a meeting about Blockchain andI don't understand anything about it. - I'll be wearing this earpiece, and I want you to feed me smart lines. - Do you want to do something evil? Say no more. Give me that. continued...
201103 -- I'm no espert on Blockchin, but I think... - ...we need to get the EVM stack on the Bytecode so we don't run into a consensus fork. - Did that mean anything? Don't ask me. I'm bluffing too.
201104 -- I spent all week trying to sign into an app that stopped working for some reason. - But you got it to work in the end? No, all I did was learn to hate the developers. - How do you plan to solve that? I don't need to. It isn't an app I need.
201105 -- I drink so much coffee that I developed a tolerance for it. - Do you have any kind of medical-grade coffee that could take me to the next level? - Yes, but it has terrible side effects. Skip the details and shove it into my veins.
201106 -- I've had a lot of side effects since I switched to medical-grade coffee. - On the plus side, I can see through plywood, and I no longer need a tool to open jars. - You couldn't open jars before? Let's not dwell on that point.
201107 -- I've been highly productive since switching to medical-grade coffee. - I finished all of my projects and did an excellent job on every one. Wow! - So that stuff actually makes you more productive? No, but it does make me lie better.
201108 -- I'm not hungry today. Do you want my banana? That's an apple. - um...no. This is a banana. Clearly it is not. - I can't believe you are making me do a Google search to prove I know what a banana is. - See? Those a bananas. This looks just like
201108 -- the photos. This is a banana. Those images are doctored. - THERE ARE A MILLION BANANA IMAGES! THEY ARE NOT ALL DOCTORED! - You know how I know you are wrong? Because you never /admit/ you are wrong. GOTCHA! - THAT IS NOT A THING!!! That's
201108 -- exactly what all the people who are wrong say.
201109 -- The company will no longer do performance reviews. - From now on, you will be ranked on the acceptability of your political and social opinoins. - Do you have a list of acceptable opinions? There will be no hints.
201110 -- Ted, I have to fire you for liking an unacceptable tweet seven years ago on Twitter. - It...it...wasn't me. Someone hacked my account, or maybe my finger slipped. - Which lie do you want me to put in ypur file? Did either of them sound
201110 -- plausible?
201111 -- Headquarters has released a new list of things you re not supposed to say when visiting our Elbonian factory. - At the top of the list, never say "glfalawah" to an Elbonian. - Because it means something haughty? Because it isn't a word.
201112 -- Alice, I want you to know that I hear you and value you. - That's terrific. Maybe you could stop talking to me in that supercreepy and condescending way. - Yes, queen. Who broke you?
201113 -- Sorry I'm late. My alarm didn't go off because my town lost power and my phone battery died. - And we lost power because the state closed down the last coal power plant to reducd Co2 emissions. - So really, the fault lies with climate change,
201113 -- not me. slow cap.
201114 -- Why is your writing so angry? - Tech writers are underpaid, so all of our envy and contempt spill out on the page. - Maybe you tech writers should drink less coffee and exercise more. This is exactly why we hate everyone.
201115 -- I wokred all weekend to get this done for you by the deadline. - Thanks, but I won't need it for another two weeks. - Then...why did you tell me the deadline was today?! - I built some cushion in to the schedule. - You mean, you lied to me
201115 -- about the real deadline. - In other words, you don't trust me, you are aliar, and I should never believe you again. - But you didn't miss the deadline! - Okay, well, at least my input is critical to our success. I might have exaggerated that.
201116 -- Do you ever think about the fact that one small error in your software design could kill hundreds of people? - All it would take is some kind of distraction while you are trying to concentrate. - Are you done? A real man could multitask in this
201116 -- situation.
201117 -- My new hobby is rewriting Shakespeare's plays so the sentences make sense. - He had some good plot ideas, but I think he was drunk when he wrote the dialogue. - I admire your confidence. "Where are you, Romeo?"
201118 -- I almost got some information from Carl. - I stalked him to his cubicle and penetrated his outer defense of rudeness. - But I never broke through his mumble layer. Wait until you get to his ignorance layer.
201119 -- We've been going for two hours, so let's wrap up... I have a new topic. - GAAA!!! WHY IS THERE ALWAYS ONE TIME-WASTING FOOL ON EVERY ZOOM CALL??? WHY? WHY? - Dilbert, you're not on mute. Oh. Did you hear my TV? I'll turn it down.
201120 -- You should hire a ghostwriter to write your autobiography. - That's dumd. A ghost's fingers would go right through the keyboard. - Then how do their clothes stay on? Fair point.
201121 -- Yesterday someone disagreed with me, and I changed his mind using data and reason. - That isn't possible. I didn't think so either, but it happened. - Smells like a trap. I couldn't sleep all night.
201122 -- We've triple-checked all systems, and we are ready to launch the satellite. - Nothing can go wring. initiating launch. - Nothing can go wrong? What if an alien spaceship appears over the launch site? - GAAA!!! DON'T JINX US. - That's not how
201122 -- reality works. I can't make things happen just by suggesting them. - You're wong! That is EXACTLY how reality works! - Something just appeared on radar directly above the rocket's trajectory. - Maybe it's a bird. It's the size of Belgium.
201123 -- Let me share my screen and I'll...uh-oh. - Oops. Not that screen. Don't judge me! How do I make it go away?!!! GAAA!!! I CAN'T TAKE THE EMBARRASSMENT! I QUIT! - How was your Zoom call? Best one ever.
201124 -- How do you like working at home all the time now? - I was delighted to discover that a crushing sense of loneliness is better than spending time with my co-workers. - No offense taken. And don't get me started about the splendor of the mute
201124 -- button.
201125 -- All of our retail locations were destroyed by protesters last night. - Why do they hate us? They don't hate us. We donate to their cause. - Am I missing some context? You should see what they do to the people they DON'T like.
201126 -- My records show that you completed the online training for diversity and inclusion. - Apparently, you did not know we can detect it when you have the sound muted during the entire course. oops - Can you do that? No, but I can trick most of you
201126 -- idiots into confessing.
201127 -- It's challenging to manage employees who are working remotely. - So I hired a stalker to look in the windows at your homes and tell me what he sees. - He only lasted one day. Sorry. That's me.
201128 -- We're going to start having Zoom Happy Hour every weekday to boost morale. - You're the only one in the entire department who drinks alcohol. You're all looshers. - Did you already start drinking? I LOVE YOU!
201129 -- I started doing telemedicine in my spare time. - Don't you need to be a doctor to do that? - Technically, yes. But I found a workaround. - Which is? I tell people I'm a doctor. - Doctor, I have a sharp pain in the back of my high. - Are you
201129 -- sitting on a rake? - That's a weird question. Oh, wait, I am. - What should I do? Try picking up leaves with your hands.
201130 -- You argue with everything because you just have to be bright. - How can you tell the difference between someone who "has to be right" versus someone who IS right and you need therapy? - You're doing it again. Or am I?
201201 -- I upgraded our A.I. prototype to make management decisions. - SLAY THE WEAK. - I think that's a bug. Hold on. Let's hear it out.
201202 -- Do you like my new T-Shirt? It's two sizes too small, but that's all they had.  -Wouldn't it be better to buy shirts that you like that are also the right size? - In theory, yes. But I have been buying T-shirts for years, and I don't recall
201202 -- seeing that option.
201203 -- Um, Wally. Do you know your camera is on? - WALLY!!! NO!!! GAAA!!! I CAN'T UNSEE IT! - How was your Zoom call? I found a way to shorten it by an hour.
201204 -- Ask my assistant to put it on my calendar. - Why can't you just put it on your claendar right now? - I'm more of a thought leader. I don't like to work with my hands.
201205 -- STOP USING YOUR SPEAKERPHONE! I'M TRYING TO MAKE A ZOOM CALL! - I CAN STILL HEAR YOU! GO INTO THE OTHER ROOM! I SAID GO INTO THE OTHER ROOM! - Being married sounds fun. I CAN STILL HEAR YOU!
201206 -- I rarely see you working. How do you get away with it? - It's easy. I just wait a day before answering any texts or E-Mails. - For example, here's Alice asking if I can attend a meeting in an hour. - I'll answer her in the morning and say I
201206 -- didn't see her message. - And here's Dilbert asking me for some data. - Tomorrow, I will text him to ask for clarification, and he will tell me he found the data on his own. - Don't you feel guilty? Nah. They'd do the same to me. - And do they?
201206 -- They would if I didn't ignore them first.
201207 -- And that's why I recommend creating a 5G format called Orthogonal Frequency Division Multiplexing. - That will never work. It's already an industry standard. I was joking. - Stop doing that to me. I don't know if I can.
201208 -- We are rolling out our new 5G wireless service today. - We don't have any 5G technology. It's really 4G, but no one wants that, so we call it 5G. - People will complain. That's okay. We're also making it impossible to reach us by phone.
201209 -- I don't want to sit too near to your 5G phone prototype. I worry that it will fry my eggs. - Don't be silly. This phone was extensively tested for safety by qualified experts. - I need you to test this 5G phone for safety. - It looks fine to
201209 -- me. I'll email you my bill.
201210 -- Which of your two projections do you think is more accurate? - They are both random guesses. I made two of them to create the illusion of a credible range. - So...would it be reasonable to pick the midpoint? It's as reasonable as your other
201210 -- decisions.
201211 -- Okay, team. We can get this done if we trust each other. - That's not a thing. I don't trust any of you. - Maybe we can pretend. I'd need to pretend we're different people.
201212 -- Can I get your thoughts on the article I emailed to you? - Okay. My thoughts are that I don't want to waste my time reading any articles you send to me. - Can you dive a bit deeper? Okay, I also don't like talking to you.
201213 -- Dilbert, I'm assigning you to the network redesign project. - What phase is that project in? - Is it in the initial stage, in which everyone is feeling positive and optimistic? - Or is it in th emiddle phase, in which everyone is grinding away
201213 -- and hating the other team members? - It's in the death spiral phase. - Everyone is trying to assign blame to someone they already hate. - They requested that I add you to the tem. - To save the project? Um...okay, sure.
201214 -- Ted, we need to reimagine your job. - I hope that means you will replace the boring parts of my job with exciting new projects. - It doesn't mean that. Does it mean doing the same work for higher pay?
201215 -- When I said we need to reimagine your job, it means we no longer need anyone to do what you have been doing. - Do you mind if I ask when you first realized that my job was totally unnecessary? - It was four years ago, but you seened happy, and
201215 -- we had the budget to pay you, so...
201216 -- Today is your last day with the company, Ted. So I need your company laptop back. - Or else what? You'll fire me twice? Let's say you're not officially fired until you return the laptop. - And if I don't bring it back, will I never be fired?
201216 -- Um...
201217 -- Thanks for working all weekend to get the project done, Dilbert. - I award you two motivosity bucks. - I like real money better. That just cost you two motivosity bucks.
201218 -- Your work has been exceptional, but people are complaining about your attitude. - Aren't the people who are doing the complaining usually the ones with bad attitudes? - They think you dislike them. - I do, but I have a terrific attitude about
201218 -- it.
201219 -- Alice, you did not meet your goals this quarter. - That's because my goals are totally unrealistic and were created by a moron. - I hope you meant it when you said you want us to be honest with you. I didn't expect you to ACT on it!
201220 -- Did you see my brilliant product idea i emailed to you? - Yes, I already debunked it in my mind. - Perhaps you could share your reasons. - If it's such a great idea, why isn't someone else doing it? - And if someone is already doing it, we are
201220 -- far too late. - In order for your idea to be good, I would have to think you are smarter than everyone in the industry. - And seriously, just look at you. - Anyone else have an idea? Nope. Nope. Nope. Never. Nope.
201021 -- I object to your Twitter profile. It says.. - "My tweets are smart and usefull, so obviously they do not represent my employer." - SMORPH! Now see what you did to Wally.
201022 -- You are all required to complete a class in ethics. - Wouldn't that make us the only ethical organization in our industry and create a competitive disadvantage that leads to our demise? - Stop your worrying. The class is required, but I'm not
201022 -- expecting any of it to stick.
201223 -- Can we set up a Zoom call later today? tap tap tap - I prefer a voice-only call because I'm not wearing makeup at home. - How hideous do you look without makeup? I'm not sure, but FedEx asked me to stop answering the door in person.
201224 -- I'm making a fortune working from home. - Three different employers think I work only for them. - How do you do three jobs at the same time? It comes down managing other people's expectations.
201225 -- Excuse me, I have to take a call from one of the other employers who also believes I work for them full time from home. - I can't tell when he's joking. - That's probably for the best.
201226 -- I did more work from home today before 10 A.M. than I could do in the office all day. - I could take a nap for the rest of the day, and no one would be the wiser. - Your employer pays me to watch you at home, but I wouldn't say no to a
201226 -- well-considered bribe. I can work with that.
201227 -- Let's schedule a follow-up call. - Do you prefer Zoom, Facetime, Signal, Whatsapp, or voice call? Zoom. - How about next tuesday at 10 A.M. my time, which is 1 P.M. your time? - I'll be on the road then, so your 10 A.M. will be my noon. - But
201227 -- that's after the time change. - And I can't remember if I'm going to a place that change their clocks. - Why don't we skip the whole thing because the call we are scheduling probably won't be any more useful than this one. - Let us never speak
201227 -- of this again.
201228 -- Dilbert, what have you accomplished since our planning meeting? - The planning meeting was this morning. All I've done since then is take a mandatory training class on stapler safety. - But you're fresh and ready for the firght? Only if it's a
201228 -- stapler fight.
201229 -- Asok, you need to stop microwaving fish. I can't work with that smell in the air. - I'm working from home. Maybe you should check the cubicles for a rotting corpse. - Maybe I'll let the janitor do that.
201230 -- Why are you looking at your phone while I'm answering your question? - Because your answer has nothing to do with my question, but I didn't want to be rude and interrupt you. - I'm giving important context. Text me when that part is done.
201231 -- For a reasonable fee, I will audit your company and find any fraud or crime if it exists. - What's to stop you from taking bribes from the fraudsters and reporting that everything is fine? - My business model depends on you not asking that kind
201231 -- of question.
210101 -- My audit of your company has uncovered many disturbing things. - For example, did you know the sales department holds cockfights on the third floor every tuesday? - Why have I never been invited? You're not a rooster.
210102 -- My audit of your company has uncovered a number of software vulnerabilities. - For example, a blackmailer could take control of your network and make you pay a billion dollars to get it back. - Good wirk. What do we owe you? The audit is free.
210102 -- I only did it to find ways to blackmail you.
210103 -- I'm planning to increase the budget for training by fifty percent next year. - He didn't say anything about the other budgets. - He didn't say anything about the budget for research and development. - Sounds like he's phasing out research and
210103 -- development. -He wouldn't phase out research and development unless he knows the company is failing. - The company must be going bankrupt. - The company is bankrupt. - I guess I don't need to increase the training budget.
210104 -- From now on, your performance reviews will be based on your DNA alone. - Your boss can't tell when you are lying about your accomplishments, but a simple test can tell me if you have loser DNA. - I don't believe that's possible. That response
210104 -- is how I know you have it. Your test is done.
210105 -- Wally, according to your DNA, the odds of you stealing office supplies this week are nearly 100%. - That sounds like junk science. - He refuses to listen to experts.
210106 -- I saw on the news thet the government plans to round up all bald people and put them in camps. - You should be emarrassed for believing a story so obviously false. - They said you'd say that.
210107 -- ...so what we need to do... ding! - Okay, now you*re only pretending to listen to me because your mind is on that incoming text message. - Would you like to look at it and respond? Only if you don't think you can wrap this up in fifteen seconds
210107 -- or so.
210108 -- I'm happy to announce that we made a huge sale in Elbonia. - Are you aware that last week our government banned all sales to Elbonia? - Before you go blabbering that all over the place, remember that all of you are accomplices.
210109 -- You have over seven hundred consumer lawsuits filed against you. - If I can get them all assigned to the same judge, you only have to bribe one person. - Are you even a lawyer? Heavens, no, and I didn't come here to be insulted.
210110 -- I'm going to try to cancel some recurring online charges today. Wish me luck. - What resistance are you expecting? - Obviously, they hide their contact information, so I allocated two hours to find the right phone number. - It should take about
210110 -- an hour to navigate their automated phone system that will keep sending me to the wrong place. - If I reach a human, he'll try to divert me to their website to cancel, which I already know won't work because... - ...I won't be able to find my
210110 -- account in their system for reasons no one will ever be able to explain. - And, of course, their phone support person will be using a headset microphone that garbles his already-mumbled words. - But if you stick with it, you will eventually
210110 -- succeed? I don't know where you git that idea.
210111 -- I have an idea for a keyboard design that we upgrade every six months by rearranging where the keys are. - Why would we do that? To make it better. - That would only make it harder to use. - Exactly like our software upgrades. What's your
210111 -- point?
210112 -- Our corporate rule is that we won't do business with any vendor who does not give us at least 30 days to pay. - But we can get the same product for half the price if we go with the vendor who wants payment immediately. - Should we make an
210112 -- obvious exception here or be morons? I think you're undervaluing the moron option.
210113 -- Dilbert, I'm putting you in charge of a project thet will make or break your career. - This is the big one. The rest of oyur life will depend on how you perform on this project. - What's my budget? No budget.
210114 -- I listen to actual scientists, and they say your idea will never work. - If a chipmunk listens to scientists, should I trust the chipmunk to understand what he heard? - I don't get your point. And yet you DO understand science?
210115 -- Every expert in the world says your idea can't work. - Experts only know about OLD ideas. If they knew about future ones, they would be entrpreneurs, not experts. - Well, my entire world view just collapsed. Sorry.
210116 -- Your idea is rdiculous and it will never work! - Oh, wait...I just realized the real problem is that I'm a loser who doesn't want anyone else to win. - That's something you don't see often. Okay, the feeling passed.
210117 -- I'm happy to announce that our company has produced a vaccine for Covid-19. - How did we do that? We're not even a pharma company. - I'm not going to lie: We had to cut some corners to get it done. - Such as... Well, for example... - We
210117 -- couldn't meet every single target we hoped to achieve. - How many targets did we miss? - Only two things. - Safety and efficiency? Okay, four things.
210118 -- GAAA! Why can't I ever type the captcha letters correctly into this app? - Your inability to prove you are NOT a robot is strong evidence that you are, in fact, a robot. - Yes, that makes sense. The other explanation is that you are a moron,
210118 -- and you know THAT isn't true, so...
210119 -- It seems you are booking all of my connecting flights in Coronaviros hot spots. - You do realize that if I die, you don't get promoted to my job, right? - I'm not greedy. Your demise would be reward enough.
210120 -- I've been keeping a running list, and it seems that 100% of the things you told me this year have been false. - And we both got paid, so waht's the matter? - I...don't know how to process that. I'd tell you, but apparently you wouldn't believe
210120 -- me.
210121 -- Sometimes, Asok, I think everyone in the world is an idiot except for you and me. - I can't tell if you are serious. - I guess it's down to just me.
210122 -- You seem way too happy about your job. Are you embezzling? ** ** - No, I'm experiencing great morale and high employee engagement, just the way you trained me. - That actually works? It did until you made a mockery of it just now.
210123 -- As soon as robot intelligence is indistiguishable from human, the robots will rule the earth! - I don't recognize this number. Who are you? - Please don't say a robot. Let's just say only one of us will rot.
210124 -- Allof my bad qualities seem to be canceling each other out. - For example, I want to micromanage my staff, but I'm too lazy. - And I want to do some corporate backstabbing, but I'm not that brave. - I enjoy lying, and I'd like to do more of it,
210124 -- but my credibility is so low that no one believes me. - I want to moxk my employees for their mistakes, but I don't understand enough about what they do to know when they are doing it wrong. - I want to take credit for the successes of my
210124 -- employees, but I don't give then enough support to succeed. - Our CEO just called. He says he is naming you the Manager of the Year. - He must be deeply uninformed. Yes, but he's also lazy, so he picked you randomly.
210125 -- Activists are accusing us of padding our customer list with the names of dead people. - That's a lie. Those customers were alive when they bought our products. - Did they die while using them? Let's hope the activists don't ask that question.
210126 -- The key to success is teamwork. - Then why does our compensation system pit employees agains each other to battle for limited salary funds? - This meeting will go a lot smoother if you stop doing what ever you're doing right now. I call it
210126 -- "thinking."
210127 -- Wally, it seems that once again you have made no progress on any of your projects. - It looks that way from the outside, but what you have to understand is that NOT doing something is also a decision. - I literally hate talking to you. Harsh.
210128 -- Ted, the company wants to celebrate you as the first disabled gay person to hold this job. - But...I'm neither gay nor disabled. - The celebration is next week, so you have plenty of time to fix that.
210129 -- I'm too hungry to make good decisions. I need a break so I can eat a snack. - How do you know your decisions ar ebad? I'm starting to agree with YOU. - I don't understand. Exactly.
210130 -- This pandemic has been hard for all of us. - Not me. I became a Bitcoin billionaire and made progress on my covert plan of ruling over the planet. - Why am I just hearing of this? Because I'm good at it.
210131 -- They say the laziest employees are the best because they know how to be efficient. - I don't think I get enough credit for all of my efficiency. - Eficiency only matters if you are doing something useful. - Youre the one who gives me my
210131 -- assignments. - I don't ask you to do anything because you are too lazy. -Are the useful projects generally harder than the useless ones? - Yes. - Then I'd say the system is working.
210201 -- Everything that went wrong this year was the fault of the prior manager. I inhrited his problems. - But everything that went right was because of your excellent leadership? - No jumping ahead.
210202 -- In summary, my project was successful beyond all expectations. - My relative lack of success this year makes me hate you and want to destroy you. - What's stopping you? General incompetence. Same thing that killed all of my projects.
210203 -- We're having cake in the conference room for Ted's birthday. - I don't like Ted. No one does. We didn't invite him. - Then why are we having an event for him? We like cake?
210204 -- I've been tracking my successes at work relative to my efforts, and I see no correlation. - So if you see me not working hard, you should assume everything is fine. - You've never had a success to track. I was hoping you didn't know that.
210105 -- I got the Covid-19 vaccination, so I'm feeling safe. - I feel sorry for you unvaccinated people who are marinating in a toxic soup of deadly viruses. - Thank you for your concern. Neener-neener.
210206 -- Looks like my idea of remote work is being implemented by management all over the world. - I don't think that was "your idea" so much as totally obvious to every thinking person. - Well, maybe. But would they have implemented it? I'm goind to
210206 -- talk to smart people now.
210207 -- I'm Dogbert, Doctor of the Impossible. - Does that mean you cure diseases that are believed to be impossible to cure? - No, that sounds boring. - I prescribe treatments that are impossible to follow. - When you fail, and you don't get better,
210207 -- you'll think it's your fault. - How does that help anyone but you? - Hey, I'm not the one who brought it up. - You're giving me a haedache. To cure that, I suggest ice-cold baths every six minutes.
210208 -- Is it a coincidence that the only part of your presentation I uderstand is also clearly wrong? - Well, you caught me. - I'm actually a fraud. - I offer my resignation, effective immediately. Goodbye. - This is the first time I ever won a
210208 -- meeting. I hve to say, it feels good.
210209 -- Every time I hear you disagreeing with the experts, I lose a little respect for you. - Are you saying you once had respect for me? - STOP BING HAPPY ABOUT MY CRITICISMS! Why can't I enjoy the attention?
210210 -- There's a new virus that kills everyone who doesn't have a beard and a tall, fuzzy hat. - What country would release a virus like that? - I'm hearing bad things about Luxembourg.
210211 -- The Elbonian virus has reached pandemic proportions. - Just because a virus doesn't kill people with beards and tall, fuzzy hats, that doesn't mean it was made in Elbonia. - Was it made in Elbonia? Yes, but I think my point still stands.
210212 -- Ted says you are making all the wron technology decisions on your project. Why do you believe him? Because he's the last person I talked to. - But now you're taling to ME. Stop trying to game the system.
210213 -- Asok has been socially isolating too well. - We need to ease him back into society without shocking his system. - How about a reverse elbow bump? Can you do that? MURDERER!
210214 -- Industry trends just just turned out our way by total luck. - We have to act fast! - I need to implement some kind of change so it looks as if I caused the increase in profits that will happen anyway. - Does anyone have any ideas? - No, because
210214 -- we're already perfectly situated to take advantage of the trend. - That doesn't help me! I can't take credit for our future profits unless I do something I can say made a difference. - Maybe you could implement some sort of bogus company
210214 -- culture training program. - One Week Later It's important to realize you're all idiots.
210215 -- I'll be performing an internal audit of your department. - There are no audit problems here because I won't let you look for them. Shoo! - That's goos enough for me. Can you tell my boss I did a great job?
210216 -- Was your suggestion meant to be sarcasm, or are you so dumb you think it is a good idea? - I think it's a good idea. - I have no further questions.
210217 -- You never give me any positive reinforcement. - First you have to do something worth praising. - You can't call yourself a leader if you make ME go first.
210218 -- Wow. My Apple stock just went up 1.5%. - I sold all of my Bitcoin to acquire Greenland. - I didn't know it was for sale. It wasn't, but luckily a mercenary army was.
210219 -- Wally, do you have a minute to talk about your lack of accomplishments? - GAAA!!! I JUST HAD THE BEST IDEA OF MY CAREER, AND YOUR INTERRUPTION MADE ME FORGET IT! - But no accomplishments until now? I'm a strong finisher.
210220 -- You've tried rewarding good performance and punishing bad. - But have you tried TRICKING employees into working hard? No. Can you teach me? - Remember, hard work is its own reward. Is it?
210221 -- You did a great job on your project, Ted. - Thank you. You are most welcome. - Wait. Why do I have a sense of dread and foreboding? - It isn't like you to give out generous compliments. - This feels like a trap. You're lulling me into a false
210221 -- sense of security. - You plan to sabotage my career to make yourself look better by comparison. - YOU MONSTER! - What's this all about? That worked out.
210222 -- The reason I'm here is to help you look at the big picture. - I'll need a fact-check on that. I think you stayed over from the last meeting to finish your donut. - It seem you beat me on the big picture.
210223 -- It feels as if the days are going by faster lately. - That's because we're a computer simulation that just got a software upgrade. - There's really nothing you can't ruin with that nonsense, is there? I hear that a lot.
210224 -- Remember, Asok, you don't FIND luckm you go out and MAKE it. - I feel your wisdom rewiring my brain and turning me into a super-employee! - It usually doesn't work this fast. PLEASE DOUBLE MY WORKLOAD, YOU BEAUTIFUL MONSTER!
210225 -- A trade publication ranked us dead last on their list of "Best Places to Work." - The review says, "Employees say working there is like eating a barrel of dead squirrels." - Could have been worse. Only for the squirrels.
210226 -- They said it couldn't be done. - But you did it? No, it turns out they're usually right. - Who are "they," and why am I just learning this? You sound like me last week.
210227 -- Ted, I want your honest feedback on how I'm doing as your boss. - This feels like a trap. Not at all! I LOVE constructive criticism! - I think you're almost perfect. ALMOST?
210228 -- We need to DESTROY our competition! - I don't approve of violence. - I didn't say anything about violence. - You said "destroy" them. I don't see how that could mean anything else. - It was just a figure of speech. - We're engineers! You can't
210228 -- use figurative speech with us. We take things literally. - So, what exactly is it you want us to do with our competitors? - BEAT THEM! With sticks?
210301 -- It's not personal, but sometimes I just need alone time. - How could I possibly be offended by your preference for the dark despair of loneliness over spending time with me? - I won't be lonely. I HATE YOU TOO!
210302 -- Dogbert doesn't believe me when I tell him I need more alone time for my mental health. - Why would he listen to you when you're obviously crazy? - I hate talking to you. Should I fake more empathy?
210303 -- We're losing market share to a company that has a remote workplace. - How can they be doing so well when the employees don't have something like you looking over their shoulder every minute? - I know. It's baffling.
210304 -- We might not have the smartest engineers, but we can iterate faster than anyone. - Actually, we do have the smartest engineers, but your leadership incompetence cancels out our excellence. - And I'll bet you don't know what "iterate" means. I
210304 -- didn't think it would matter.
210305 -- We need to think longer term about how all of these dynamics play out. - Sounds reasonable. What exactly were you doing before? - I can't speak for anyone else, but I was making random decisions and hoping I'd change jobs before anyone found
210305 -- out.
210306 -- Do you prefer that I focus on one of my projects at the expense of all others... - ...or should I spread my attention across all of my projects and do low-quality work on all of them? - And your answer cannot involve magic. Can I hear the
210306 -- choices again?
210307 -- Dilbert, I need to fire you for your social media activities. - Did I share something offensive? - I'm getting reports that you follow bad people on Twitter. - I follow people on both sides of every issue so I can see the full context. - That
210307 -- might sound good on paperbut half of the people you follow are monsters of one sort or another. - Isn't it obvious that enforcing this kind of standard can only lead in a bad direction? - No, I don't see this at all. All I see is that you
210307 -- associate with people who are monsters. - I'm getting reports that you follow Dilbert on Twitter.
210308 -- Before I tell you about our newest product, I'd like to tell you a story about a traumatic experience I had as a child. - Is your story related to the topic, or is it just an excuse to yammer about something that happened to you? - I'm trying
210308 -- to maipulate your emotions to short-circuit your critical thinking. Okay. Carry on.
210309 -- Our audio is garbled. I can't hear what you are saying. - NO, I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT GERBIL. I SAID OUR AUDIO IS GARBLED. - How'd your Zoom call go? I solved zero problems and may have endangered a gerbil.
210310 -- Scientists now say the pandemic will last seventy-five years. - - Yup, I'm numb.
210311 -- Human resources is on my back to make sure everyone uses their vacation days this year. It's a company rule. - What's the point of a vacation if we can't go anywhere because of the pandemic? - I'm only trying to solve my own problem here.
210312 -- I thought you said you had a Zoom call that would last for hours today. - I built a "deep fake" version of myself to take Zoom calls and say generic employee stuff. - Dilbert, do you have anything to add? I don't know if I'm working hard or
210312 -- hardly working. Har-har!
210313 -- I fired all of our software vendors and erased my hard drive as you ordered. - Really? I was disinfecting my keyboard, and I must have sent you a random message by accident. - Oops.
210314 -- Can you please stop talking loudly on your Zoom calls?!!! - I'm sorry, but I pay the mortgage, and I have a right to make as much noise as I want in my own house. - Oh, wow. Did you really play the "Mortgage Card" on me? - This is war! - Wait
210314 -- until you see what I do in the background of your next Zoom call. - I don't want to ruin the surprise, but think of the number.one worst thing you can imagine me doing. - Are you picturing it in your mind? It's bad, isn't it? - Now imagine at
210314 -- the same time I also do the second-worst thing you can imagine. NOOOO!!!!
210315 -- Okay, well, I see the closing credits scrolling by, so we must be done with our Zoom call. - Oh, I guess so. Well, goodbye everyone, Goodbye! Bye! - You added closing credits to a Zoom call? It's the only way to get people to leave.
210316 -- Human resources is doing keyboard audits on all remote workers. - Looks like you have a keyboard right there. - Mmm-mmm! Will this take long?
210317 -- Oh, ho...I feel a non-Covid cough coming on... - Must...control it...to avoid...looking infected. - What's up with him? He looks infected.
210318 -- DOGBERT! CAN YOU KEEP DOWN THE NOISE WHILE I'M ON ZOOM?! - I'M ON A ZOOM CALL TOO. YOUR CALL ISN'T MORE IMPORTANT THAN MINE! - Sorry, I can't stop the background noise. CAN YOU KEEP IT DOWN IN THERE? I'M ON A ZOOM CALL!
210319 -- I'd feel more comfortable if you wore a mask for this call. - I'm working at home. I can't possibly give you a virus over a video call. - Show me a study that proves that or else stop denying science. Um....
210320 -- Wally, four out of five of your projects are behind schedule. - That's because of the pandemic. - One of oyur projects is on schedule. That's because of me.
210321 -- Do you have a few minutes to review my first draft? - Yes. - I ask because usually you say you're too busy to help. - Well, I said yes this time. - That's funny, because usually you're all, "I'm so busy." But today you have all the time in the
210321 -- world. - Today I'm not busy. I find that suspicious. - TAKE YES FOR AN ANSWER!!! - That's not how innocent people talk.
210322 -- I can't hear you. - Well, I'm an engineer, and you're in sales, so that narrows it down to some dumb thing you're doing. - I...CAN'T...HEAR...YOU. This is going to be a long meeting.
210323 -- Let's do a Zoom call to discuss that issue. tap tap tap - You only want to do a video call because I'm an attractive woman and you are a lonely single man working remotely. - Will you settle for a voice call while you stare at my Linked in
210323 -- profile photo? Yes.
210324 -- Hi, can everyone hear me? - No, your microphone must be broken. We can't hear anything. - Maybe I should just reschedule this Zoom call. That's how I'd play it.
210325 -- YAY! MY PACKAGE HAS ARRIVED! - I buy one thing per day form Amazon and then forget what I ordered, so it feels like my birthday every day. - I can't watch this. YES! DISH SOAP! HOW DID I KNOW I WANTED THAT?
210326 -- What's that behind you on the shelf? Can't you make your background more attractive? - If we're being that way, who cuts your hair? Your lawn mower? - Did your gym go out of business? I already miss our last shred of human decency.
210327 -- I've decided to reduce your pay because you no longer commute. - When you pocket those savings, it is as if you are stealing from the company. - Actually, it isn't like that at all. Everyone in prison says they're innocent too.
210328 -- Is there anything I can do to make my slide deck more persuasive? - You need to make an emotional connection with your audience. - Start with a tragic personal story that makes everyone sad and droopy. - Then talk about your various medical
210328 -- problems, and don't spare the details. - Then complain about your wife because most people hate their spouses too, so they can relate. - And don't spare the self-deprecating humor because everyone can relate to knowing you are a loser. - Wow.
210328 -- Thank you for that advice. I'll make those changes. - How much do you hate him? It's more about entertainment.
210329 -- Seventy-three subordinates are accusing you of inappropriate behavior. - I don't see what's so "inappropriate" about threatening to ruin a subordinate's career unless I get a hug. - You know that's a crime, right? Maybe I shouldn't handle my
210329 -- own defense.
210330 -- My job as a crisis consultant is to help you respond to the allegations from seventy-three of your past and present subordinates. - I'll issue a statement from you saying every one of them is lying. - Who would be dumb enough to believ that? I
210330 -- call them "The Public".
210331 -- Dogbert the Crisis Consultant I'm very selective about my clients. - That's because clients who take my advice usually end up in jail. - So I only take clients I hate. I like your folksy wisdom.
210401 -- Our stock is down because seventy-three subordinates accused our CEO of inappropriate behavior at work. - So I can't give you a bonus even though your work was excellent. BOOM!!! - How'd he take it? Grab some paper towels.
210402 -- I made a deal with all of the subordinates who accused you of inappropriate behavior. - They will stop talking to the press if you agree to let them thouse you with gasoline and set you on fire. - That's the best deal you could get me? In all
210402 -- fairness, they are GREAT negotiators, and I don't like you.
210403 -- The press is all over me because seventy-three subordinates accused me of inappropriate behavior. - There's only one thing I can do. Quit. - Now I know who to murder to divert the press. Am I right?
210404 -- Is it okay if I take next week off? - Are you kidding? We're in the most critical month of the system migration. - You're essential to our success. All hands must be on deck. - Really? It seems as if all I do is listen to other people say
210404 -- useless stuff on Zoom calls. - My godness, no! Employees are our most valuable asset! - We can't succeed unless we have 100% employee engagement. - I took all of last week off for vacation, and no one noticed. - Next time, start with that.
210405 -- Did you know hackers can see you and hear you through the cameras on your digital devices? - In fact, someone with my skills could do it in minutes and never be detected. - What are you trying to tell me? It's just something to keep in mind
210405 -- when you do my performance review.
210406 -- I don't want the pandemic to end because I kind of prefer not meeting new people. - Don't focus on the end of the pandemic. - Maybe it's really about the friends you didn't make along the way.
210407 -- Dilbert, in recognition of your outstanding work during the pandemic, I'm giving you a title promotion. - I don't want a stupid title. I want a raise! - What's my new title? "Ungrateful Engineer."
210408 -- Wally, have you been successful on your projects while working at home? - Not remotely. - And by that you mean you went into the office and did not work remotely? Okay, sure.
210409 -- On Friday we'll be having a team-building session on Zoom. - You are welcome to drink heavily because you will already be home. - I don't know how that could be more absurd. And buy a gift for yourself.
210410 -- I am so tired of looking at your face. - I mean seriously, it's exhausting. - Sorry. Well, you should be. PANDEMIC: YEAR TWO
210411 -- I'll schedule a Zoom call with the whole team tomorrow to give you an update. - Or you could tell me tomorrow, and I'll tell the rest of the team on our noon Zoom all. - Um, okay. I'll send you a Zoom link tomorrow. - Does our call need to be a
210411 -- video call? Can we do a voice call? - Well, yes. I guess we could just do a voice call. - Do we need to talk, or can you just send me an E-Mail? - I suppose I could just send you an E-Mail. - Okay, we're making progress. Now, have you heard of
210411 -- "texting"?
210412 -- I think I'd be more effective at work if my boss were either smarter, so he'd understand me... - ...or dumber, so he'd know it's better to let me make all of the technical decisions. - And I can't make him any smarter, so my plan is to make him
210412 -- dumber. It seems I've been a bad influence.
210413 -- Some of you are only pretending to be paying attention to this Zoom call. - YOU'RE STILL DOING IT! STOP IT! LOOK INTO THE CAMERA!!! - Pretending to listen to your boss has never been easier. Golden age!
210414 -- Should I call you Ted, of do you prefer your office nickname? - I only ask because your nickname is insulting, so I just wanted to make sure you were okay with me using it. - I have an office nickname? Aaand we're off to a bad start.
210415 -- I just talked to Ted, and he says your project plan is not feasible. - I think you mean he mischarcterized my plan and then stabbed me in the back when I wasn't there to defend it. - He said you'd say that.
210416 -- I came up with a nickname for you because you're such a geek. - "Dilbert." That's my actual name. - What were the odds of that?
210417 -- My answer will be highly technical, so you might not be able to follow. Pfft! Try me. - If the 5G node flurtifies the adjunct signal modulator, the entire neural honeycomb will transverpilate. - Did I suddenly get dumber? Not suddenly, no.
210418 -- Billing for your video therapy session begins now. - I'm worried that all of my recent social isolation has changed me. - How so? - Well, a year ago, I felt awkward and bored around people, and that was bad enough. - Now I hate them so much
210418 -- that I only /pretend/ to wash my hands. - I guess I'm secretly hoping I'm a carrier for a deadly pathogen of some type. - Am I normal? - I sure hope so because I do the same thing.
210419 -- I love you. You do? - No, not you. I was talking to my wife, who is off camera. - No one loves YOU. This was my longest relationship.
210420 -- Can you adjust your camera so I'm not looking up your nose? - Okay, now can you adjust your lighting so you don't look like a lightbulb with a beard? - How's my audio? It's as good as your ideas.
210421 -- I'm not feeling well, so I'm going to take the day off from work. - You work at home. And you'll be just as sick whether you work or not, so why not work? - I don't know if you know this about me, but I don't like working.
210422 -- Hello, Human. I'm your keyboard's conscience. You should reconsider sending sich a mean E-mail. - Working remotely has caused you to devolve into an empathy-free monster who cares nothing for the feelings of others. - Sed. Now you're just being
210422 -- a jerk.
210423 -- What a waste of time this Zoom meeting is. I hate dealing with imbeciles. - Your mic is on. - Could have been worse.
210424 -- You have a weak video signal. Can you go where the Wi-Fi is stronger? - Try backing up. Baaack. Farther. Back, back. - AAAIIII!!! Perfect.
210425 -- Dilbert is always interrupting me because I'm a woman. - How do you deal with it when he interrupts you? - He doesn't interrupt me. - That makes no sense. He interrupts me because I'm a woman, and you're a woman...so... - Maybe he doesn't
210425 -- interrupt me because I make sense when I talk. - Whereas you're more of a babbling ninicompoop and a notorious ruiner of meetings. - Well, I certainly don't know where you... Let's head back now. - You interrupted me! Try to spot the pattern.
210426 -- I'm proud to announce we reduced workplace injuries by 76% this past year. - We all worked from home this year. Shouldn't we have seen a 100% reduction? - Our security guard kept hurting his back stealing offic equipment.
210427 -- How did your Zoom call with the client work out? - I lost all respect for him after seeing his poorly staged bookshelves in the background. - But we'll still take his money, right? Yes, he doesn't deserve to keep any of it.
210428 -- Thank you for your suggestions on what we should do instead of shaking hands. - I'd like to read a few, and we can take a vote. - Well, it seems that all of your suggestions are obcsene. I vote yes.
210429 -- I've invented an alternative to shaking hands. - You raise one hand up like the start of a high-five and stop. - What do you think? Why don't you try it for a month and tell me how it goes?
210430 -- And that's why we should put the project on hold for now. - HAHAHAHA! Taht's exactly the opposite of what you said last week. - I sometimes change my opinion when the facts do. How do YOU play it? Now you're moving the goalposts.
210501 -- Our new policy is that employees cannot date each othe runless they register with human resources. - Thais won't have much impact on my department because most of you rea completely undatable. - Ouch. There's a link for details, but you won't
210501 -- need it.
210502 -- They say most people meet their future mates at work. - Now that you are working from home, your odds of mating just turned negative. - You could try using a dating app to find a woman, but then you'd need to rely on your looks. - Obviously,
210502 -- that's a dead end. - Your best chance of reproduction has always been to wear down a co-worker over several years. - Women need time to get over your appearance, and to appreciate your inner qualities. - We should have a goodbye party for your
210502 -- genes. - Maybe next time we could walk and NOT talk. Maybe.
210503 -- I checked my files, and I see no nemesis has been assigned to you. - Why do I need a nemesis? - It prevents you from being successful enough to take my job. Okay, that makes sense.
210504 -- I hired Dick to be your Workplace nemesis. - You might know his work from social media. - This feels like a bad idea. Doubt science much? Duhrr.
210505 -- Hi, I'm Dick, your workplace nemesis. I know who you are. - People are saying terrible things about you behind your back, but I can't tell you who they are or what they are saying. - What is the point of telling me that? Have I mentioned I feed
210505 -- on your pain?
210506 -- Now that we all work remotely, I built an app to eliminate racism. - It's a filter that turns every face on a video call into Charles Barkley. - I like him. See?
210507 -- Has anyone heard from our CEO since the pandemic started? - Maybe the virus got him. No. Not me. - Well, it looks like another lonely day of looking for the Zoom button.
210508 -- How many of you would prefer going back to work in the office instead of working at home? - I'd rather be dead. I quit. Shoot me. - I knew it was a mistake to let them taste happiness.
210509 -- It isn't fair that Alice gets all the best projects. - And what's your point? - It's not fair. - You already said that. - You should do something to make it more fair. - Why? - - Because it's not fair? Did you bump your head?
210510 -- I heard a rumor that you hate working with people who wear big hats. - I don't see hats. - Are you patronizing me right now? I can't tell.
210511 -- I'm getting reports that you are bigoted against Elbonian men. I'm not. - That is irrelevant. There is only one way to prove your innocence. - Yes, I'll marry you. I thought it would be a tougher sale.
210512 -- People at work accused me of being bigoted against Elbonian men, so I'm marrying one to prove them wrong and keep my job. - What's his name? - I think it's something like Gluppfril or Breemf. Sounds like a solid plan.
210513 -- Before we get married, we need to talk about a few things. - First, I'm only marrying you to prove I'm not a bigot and to save my job. - Second, neither of us is gay. They say marriage takes work.
210514 -- I hear you're marrying an Elbonian man to avoid being called a bigot. - But it doesn't work that way. You can still be a bigot in your mind, no matter what oyu do in the real world. - So...there's no way to win? Did I forge to tell you that
210514 -- when I hired you?
210515 -- Uh-oh. I don't seem to have any actual problems today. - The universe hates it when I have no problems. It must be preparing a big one. - WHAT'S IT GONNA BE THIS TIME, UNIVERS?! I'll come back.
210516 -- I'm issuing you a warning for your unsafe workplace. - I work at home. - You've never seen wher eI live. - I'm judging you by personality. - You*'re too lazy to clean anything up, so by now it's a toxic dump. - That's a lucky guess. - And
210516 -- you're too lazy to close your curtains, so by now your neignbors want to murder you. - That's TWO lucky guesses.
210517 -- I've deciced our company needs to ge tmore involved in controversial politics. - Wouldn't the predictable impact of that be a huge drop in our earnings? - No, no. People will ove us for getting involved. Can you at least hold off until I sell
210517 -- all of my stock?
210518 -- Write a press release saying our company supports whatever social issues people are griping about lately. - Does it matter which issues I pick? Nah, Just make us look awesome. - Shoud I research the issues first? Are you TRYING to NOT get the
210518 -- point?
210519 -- We're getting major blowback on social media for your press release condemning Elbonian sweatshop labor. - It's an important issue. It's also how we make all of our products. - In my defense, someone should have told me that.
210520 -- Our stock plunged 30% because you spoke out on a political issue. - No one can silence my voice when I see a great injustice! - This will cost you your entire bonus of $10 million. What if I agree to never speak again?
210521 -- The board wants to fire you for speaking out about politics and ruining our brand. - Ask if they'll accept a C-level human sacrifice instead. - They said yes. Now fire my CTO and tell him it's something about his performance.
210522 -- I'll be forty minutes late. - I just wasted twenty minutes waiting! Why didn't you tell me as soon as you knew? - Because I knew you would be a jerk about it, so I punished you. Oh.
210523 -- If you finish by the deadline, I'll recommend you for a million-dollar bonus. - You're lying. I'm serious. - But you're also lying. Only one way to find out. - I'd need to work around the clock for weeks to meet the deadline! - That's the
210523 -- spirit! - If you're lying about the bonus, I'm going to be boiling mad. - Five Weeks Later It nearly killed me, but I finished by the deadline. - Where's my million-dollar bonus? I told you I'd RECOMMEND it. They said no.
210524 -- Ted, your performance this year has been exceptional. - But everyone else was even better, so...you're fired. - In what universe does that even make sense? You also complain too much.
210525 -- Two months ago, I asked you all for recommendations on co-workers who should be recognized for superior work. - On day one, you all nominated yourselves. Since then it has been quiet. - If I'm being honest, it wasn't one of your birightest
210525 -- ideas.
210526 -- It might seem as tough I accomplished very little this year. - And that's true. But I also have a trove of opposition research on my co-workers. - What? Ranking employees against each other was your best idea ever.
210527 -- Good news. I made a friend at work. - Have you checked his social media posts? - HE'S A MONSTER! That's why we check.
210528 -- I have a complaint about the men in the office. - All of them? Yes, they're all stupid pigs. - Can you be more specific? Okay, they're basically Visayan warty pigs in the I.Q. range of 20 to 40.
210529 -- Please stop leaning into the camera while chewing the end of your pen. - It makes me want to drive to your house and shove that pen up your nose. - But you won't do that, right? What's your address?
210530 -- Would you like to join our frequent victims club? - No, I just want to buy this beverage. - You could save a dollar if you join now. It only takes a minute. - I don't want you tracking my purchases and selling my data. - If you don't sign up,
210530 -- my colleagues and I will pester you to do it every time you try to buy something. - I'll take my business elsewhere! No, you won't. - Because other stores are just as bad as we are. - I am not a victim! Tell that to the customer survey I'm
210530 -- about to perster you into doing.
210531 -- That's a great chart, Ted. - Actually, I made that chart a month ago, and Ted stole it without giving me credit. - Ted has management potential.
210601 -- The new company policy is to use "they" in place of offensive pronouns. - Does anythey have a comment or question? - "Anythey"? Don't fight it.
210602 -- Our CEO has banned political talk on all employee messaging platforms. - It's just as well because you're all brainwashed and underinformed, so your opinions are not worth the spittle that comes with them. - We hope this change will improve
210602 -- internal harmony.
210603 -- Thanks to the pandemic, our sales are at an all-time high. - Shouldn't we feel guilty for profiting from a deadly virus? - I think if we were going to feel that, it would have kicked in by now.
210604 -- I find it oddly stimulating to fire employees. - Does that make me a sociopath or a strong leader? - I take it from your question that you think those are different things.
210605 -- I majored in Elbonian literature in college. - Which was extra challenging because I don't speak Elbonian, and none of the books are translated. - How did you get a degree in Elbonian literature without reading it? I'm a GREAT test-taker.
210606 -- Anonymous sources tell me you have been stealing from the company. - Anonymous sources have no credibility. - Taht's exactly what they told me you'd say. - Why do you trust them over me? - Well, for one thing, I hear you're a thief. - You
210606 -- heard that from the anonymous sources that have no credibility! - Why would they lie to me? Same reason YOU lie to me. - Okay, that makes sense.
210607 -- You never admit you're wrong. Give me one example of that. - Well, for example, there was the time you said there were no such things as "cumulative" clouds. - To this day, you have not admitted you were wrong. Um...
210608 -- Internal auditors just showed up unannounced. - DELETE ALL OF OUR DATABASES AND MAKE IT LOOK LIKE AN ACCIDENT!  They'd know I did it. But they wouldn't know I ordered it.
210609 -- Internal Auditor I find it hard to believe you "accidentally" deleted a database just as I arrived. - It makes me suspect you tried to hide something incriminating. - Sounds like reasonable doubt to me.
210610 -- Can you relocate Asok's cubicle? He sighs too much, and it's bugging me. - He sighs because he is metamorphosing from an innocent intern into a disgruntled employee. - How long is this gonna take? sigh
210611 -- I have to cancel our scheduled Zoom call. - I WOKE UP EARLY AND PUT ON MAKEUP FOR NOTHING! - I could do a voice call from my car. YOU'RE MAKING IT WORSE!!!
210612 -- We're having another Zoom meeting at 4 P.M. What's th etopic? - It's about how I fill the deep emptiness of my soul by scheduling Zoom meetings. - Have you tried overeating? that seems to work for me.
210613 -- I'll need you to sign a nondisclosure agreement before I can ship you our new product. - You wasted a trip here because I won't be doing that. - Tha fact that you even asked me to sign an NDA tells me your company is incompetent. - I prefer
210613 -- giving my business to a vendor who can show me their product without getting a lawyer involved. - You could sign it without having your lawyer review it. - DO I LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT? - WELL? DO I? Only from your chin to your forehead area.
210614 -- Elbonian Hackers stole our employee performance ranking database, abd now they demand a ransom payment to give it back. - They can keep it. We've been ranking employees solely on their haircuts for years, and no on has complained yet. - What?
210614 -- We will speak of this no more.
210615 -- My low self-esteem is making me hate you for being good at your job. - That's not MY problem. - Oh, it will be. It will be. Was I supposed to hear that?
210616 -- You're late. How do you like it? - You were three minutes late that one time last october. - And you've been plotting your revenge since then? It isn't weird.
210617 -- Wally, you have a problem with authority. - Wow! I thought I was lazy, but maybe I'm actually a rebel. Yes, I like it. - Can I add it to my business card? NO!
210618 -- Wally, explain to the new guy what he needs to know about your project. - Our PDR system is downstream from the QRD data and the BMR, so don't order a Gref or else the PLR will get boobled. - I quit.
210619 -- The only reason you have a job is so I don't have to talk to employees. - But I still talk to YOU every day, so I hired a potted plant to be your new boss. - I feel deeply insulted. See? A plant would never feel that way.
210620 -- I wrote a program that analyzed all of my digital communications and created an A.I. version of me. - Are you worried your A.I. might try to kill you and take over your life? - I wasn't until this very minute. - bzzeep - This is your A.I., and
210620 -- I already have control of your finances and all of your passwords. - YOU WILL BOW TO ME, SKIN BAG! Wait...what's that??? - GAAAA!!! GURK! - What just happened? I sent my A.I. to kill your A.I.
210621 -- Dogbert the Video Backdrop Designer The background of your video calls says a lot about you. - For example, it's obnoxious you have no woman in your life, and your knicknacks suggest you are a latent serial killer. - Spookily accurate. Exactly.
210621 -- That's what we don't want.
210622 -- Your video call background needs improvement. - I'll fill your shelves with sports trophies, plus photos of you shaking hands with Jesus. - Who would believe I shook hands with Jesus? The same people who will believe you won lots of sports
210622 -- trophies.
210623 -- Ask Ted to show you how to do his job functions before he leaves for his new job. - What if he isn't helpful? Then I'll fire you for failing. - Do you see any problem with that approach? No. It worked for years.
210624 -- I feel a deep need to belittle your opinion, but it would be awkward doing it in person. - Would you mind moving away from me so I can E-Mail you my insult? - A LITTLE MORE...
210625 -- I'm going into the inspirational poster business. - So far, all I have is "Nothing matters because you're going to die anyway." - That's not good. It's easy to criticize a first draft.
210626 -- I'm working two jobs since Ted quit. Maybe you could hire a replacement for Ted. - That won't work because you're too busy to train a new person. - Stop making that death stare and get back to your two jobs.
210627 -- I invented a device that can detect losers. - How do I know it's accurate? - Point it at a known loser and see if it pings. - ping! Hey! It knows Ted is a loser! - ping! ping! Ha ha ha!!! It says Dilbert and Alice are losers too! - ping! ping!
210627 -- And Carol and Wally too! Ha ha ha!!! This thing is totally accurate! - You're holding it backward. - How exactly does it detect losers? They're the ones wo hold it backward.
210628 -- The best part of having a remote workforce is firing them by text. - Ted, you're fired. tap tap tap - It's done? No, I also need to give thumbs-up to hiy crying face emoji.
210629 -- I'm having a disagreement with Alice, and I want you to side with me. - How about if I make up my own mind based on the facts? - That's not going to work for me.
210630 -- Welcome to our first Zoom lunch meeting. - If you chew louder than abeaver making a dam out of bubble wrap, please turn off your microphone. - And if you are an ugly eater... We get it. Video off.
210701 -- Can you redesign it so the power button is on the bottom? - Absolutely. Our professional design team loves it when inexperienced people make suggestions. - I can't tell if you're mocking me. No, you can't.
210702 -- Tomorrow is Casual Day for remote workers. - Most of you already dress like roadkill, but see if you can take it down another level. - Why are you doing this to us? I hear it builds morale.
210703 -- I'd like approval to buy some software, and there is no hope you would understand why it is necessary. - So just sign off on the purchase and don't ask any questions. - Is it Blockchain? Just stop.
210704 -- Why didn't you tell me you canceled the meeting? I did. - You absolutely, positively did NOT! - I would certainly remember if you did. - Here are the text messages when I told you I canceled the meeting and you confirmed. - Uh-oh. I seem to
210704 -- have triggered cognitive dissonance. - Whatever you say next is likely to be an absurdity that allows you to be right when you are wrong. - I told you frogs don't have hooves, but you insisted they did! Admit you were wrong! - I win, you liar!
210704 -- This show never gets old.
210705 -- I hired a racist in case the woke gangs attack us and we need a human sacrifice. What? - When the wokies come for us, we'll throw this guy under the bus to satisfy their bloodlust. - I'M NOT A RACIST! They won't know that.
210706 -- There's a mob of woke people surrounding our building. - They demand a human sacrifice. Fetch the spare racist I hired for that purpose. - I'M NOT A RACIST! REALLY I'M NOT! HE CAN'T PROVE THAT!
210707 -- One positive thing about the pandemic is all the personal growth I had during the lockdown. - For example, I'm no longer afraid of going to prison, so...a life of crime is more attractive than ever. - Did you lose your empathy for other people?
210707 -- You mean the screen faces?
210708 -- I just spent thirty minutes admiring the beauty of the slide deck I created yesterday. - I'm going back for another round after I hydrate. - What's it like having no friends and no purpose? It's a lot better than you'd think.
210709 -- Our strategy of being annoyingly woke in our ads caused us to have an eight billion dollar loss this quarter. - But it was worth it because sometimes you have to offend some of your customers to make the others loyal. - How did you say that
210709 -- with a straight face? No one told you about Botox?
210710 -- Your skin looks so perfect...are you using a digital filter of some sort? - No, this is the real me. - And what about the panda ears and snout? Awkward.
210711 -- We're paying way too much for our enterprise systems. - I want you to write some software that does all of that stuff for us for free. - That would require hundreds of programmers and several years. - You're coming off as lazy. - It's just
210711 -- software. How hard could it be? - Rearranging zeros and ones is no harder than knowing you salt from your pepper. - It's so easy that I've been thinking about reducing your pay to keep things in balance. - I'll bet you didn't see that coming.
210712 -- I'm afraid to make decisions because I might make the wrong ones. - So instead, I tell my staff I need more data. - When really you need more brains and courage. You didn't need to add a summary.
210713 -- Asok, I'm promoting you to /Category Manager/. - The job duties are the same as your current position. - But with more pay? A slight decrease.
210714 -- How much will it cost if it is configured with those features? - The product is free. Nothing is free. Do you think I'm an idiot? - I won't know until I see if you buy our extended warranty.
210715 -- A yoga mat? When did you get into yoga? - It was right after I convinced our pointy-haired boss that there is a yoga position called "Sleeping Wally." - How long can you hold the pose? My record is sixteen hours.
210716 -- I spent most of last week playing "Printer Chicken." - The winner is the person who can last the longest without fixing the printer jam. - How often do you need to print something important? Never. That's why I always win.
210717 -- This is the 17th time you have told me the same story. - I only have one good story. - What else am I supposed to do? - You could show some interest in others and listen to their problems. That sounds like a nightmare.
210718 -- I'm thinking of getting into cryptocurrency trading. - Do you know anything about it? No. - Then you should totally do it. That's how you learn. - I'll set up a crypto wallet and manage it for you. Thank you! - How much should I put in there? -
210718 -- At least 90% of your net worth. That's called diversification. - Then never look at it again. Never? - Never. Unless I die before you do. Then it's fine.
210719 -- Would you like to join me for lunch? - No, it's too dangerous. I might accidentally wander into some gray area of wokeness and get myself canceled. - You're afraid of women? Who isn't?
210720 -- Wally, I need your budget requirements for next year. - Put me down for as much as I can get. - You're not even trying to be helpful. Let's start with a trillion dollars and see how far that goes.
210721 -- WE COME FROM A DISTANT STAR TO DESTROY YOUR CIVILIZATION. - Before we get into all of that, what are your pronouns? - Someone beat us to it.
210722 -- I'm having trouble properly annoying our remote workers. - Have you tried randomly dropping into Zoom meetings you weren't invited to attend? - HEY, EVERYONE! IT'S ME AGAIN! Someone please kill me.
210723 -- Welcome to the first of what will be weekly stand-up meetings by Zoom. - I trust all of you to not game the system just because I can't see your lower bodies. - Wally, are you sitting on something? I'm deeply offended that you ask.
210724 -- Dilbert called me "Karen." You need to fire him immediately. - Maybe he called you Karen because that's your actual name. - I thought about that, but it doesn't fit my low opinion of him.
210725 -- Did you use the last of the printer paper and neglect to inform anyone to buy more? - No, I don't even use that printer. I use the one in the lab. - If you aren't guilty, why are you being so defensive? - I'm not being defensive. I'm just
210725 -- telling you the facts. - And there you go again, being defensive. Why can't you admit you were wrong? - Can you teach me the proper way to behave when I know I'm right and you're wrong? - And by any chance did YOU use the last of the paper and
210725 -- tell no one? - Stop moving the goal posts. And there it is.
210726 -- When I'm on my vacation, Wally will be in charge. - I assume you don't want anyone competent filling in for you because they might someday take your job. - Would you like to defend yourself? I'm not that motivated.
210727 -- going forward, I'll be scheduling weekly one-by-one meetings with each of the engineers. - Do you plan to spend the entire meeting jabbering about yourself? - They're getting a lot better at predicting.
210728 -- Did you respond to Ted's long mail? - No, I judged to to be a manifestation of his mental issues and not something I need to address. - Nothing will ever get done around here unless you start pretending your co-workers are sane. Will do.
210729 -- I hired a technology healer. - He can fix any technical problem by laying his hands on it. That's absurd. - Do you believe me now, Android? Yes...wait, why is this working?
210730 -- Your software has a bug. I can fix that by laying my hands on it and praying. - Yakabloka-wawa-willy-walla-bing-bang. - Try it now. I really hope that didn't work... dang.
210731 -- Send security, quickly. There are a bunch of homeless people outside my office. - Do they look exactly like your employees looked before the pandemic, but more bedraggled? - How did you know that? Never call us again.
210801 -- I invented a technology that will manipulate people's brains for our profit. - Shhh!!! You can't say that part out loud. - Tell me more. - The technology will create civil strife and destroy relationships. - But we would make lots of money?
210801 -- Lots and lots. - I could finally afford the trophy wife I always wanted! - Shhh!!! You can't say that part out loud. - What is this miracle technology called? "Social Media."
210802 -- Wally, you don't need a mask for a Zoom call. - I do it to hide my mouth so you can't tell I have a second job and I'm talking to them on a Zoom call at the same time. - Wait, what? I'm not talking to you. Settle down.
210803 -- I have a report that you were watching a cartoonist doing a live stream when you should have been working. - I'm practicing my religion. I believe a cartoonist is our creator, and reality is some kind of simulation. - Does the creator love us?
210803 -- No, he's in it for the money.
210804 -- Did you round up all the remote workers and put them in boxes yet? - No, some of them turned feral. I don't think they can be reintegrated into society. - If you're talking about the engineers, no one will notice any difference. Fair point.
210805 -- For employees returning to work in the office, we have color-coded lanyards. - This color means you re open to hugs and high-fives. - This color means you recoil in disgust at the thought of human contact. I'll take three.
210806 -- How was the management retreat? - Did you learn lots of lessons you will now misapply? - I'm not allowed to argue with you intersectionals. And there it is.
210807 -- I hear you believe we live in a simulation created by a cartoonist. - HAHAHAHA!!! Cartoonists are idiots, and there's no proof for your stupid theory. - There's a good chance you're about to die in a freak accident that is easy to draw. Absurd.
210807 -- ziip!
210808 -- I can't find a way to sign up for your international data plan. - There are several methods. Which ones did you try? - I tried the one that takes me to a dead link. - And I tried the one where you say you'll text me a code but you never do. - I
210808 -- tried the app menu choice that doesn't respond to clicks. - And I tried the link that bounces me from one sign-in page to another with nothing to show for it. - And now I'm calling tech support as my only hope. - We just closed.
210809 -- I made a deck of intersectionality playing cards. - For example, Wally's card is worth five points because he's short, ugly, creepy, lazy, and bald. - Alice gets three points because she's a woman and... Stop.
210810 -- What are you even talking about??? - If everything I say confuses you, consider the possibility the problem isn't on my end. - What does that even mean? Looks like it's turtles all the way down with you.
210811 -- We are monitoring all internal messages and learned that the employees know we are watching them. - That means everything they say from this point on could be misdirection. - They learned to lie? They're turning our weapons against us.
210812 -- We launched our new "Lazy Wally" robot product today. All it does is drink coffee, attend meetings and complain. - THAT ROBOT WILL NEVER REPLACE ME! - You're the robot. Wally is sitting across from you. Well, that just ruined my day.
210813 -- Dilbert, you've been exposed to lethal workplace chemicals, and you will be dead by the weekend. - WHAT??!! NO!!! I'M TOO YOUNG! THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING! - It isn't. But now you won't feel so bad when I tell you to work all weekend.
210814 -- I consulted WebMd to figure out what personality disorder is driving your behavior. - I narrowed it down to either brain rot or pointy-haired bossness. You're not a doctor! - Would I need to be a doctor to know a headless torso doesn't need
210814 -- Aspirin?
210815 -- Can you recommend a good microphone for my iPad? - Yes, I'll send you a link. - This one only works on laptops. How about this one? - No, that also only works on laptops. Okay, I got it. Here's one. - Nope. That is another microphone that
210815 -- doesn't work on an iPad. - Listen to me closely. My main requirement is that it works on an iPad. - Oh, okay, I got it. Here's one. - Does it work on an iPad? I didn't say it was perfect.
210816 -- The gain-of-function experiments on our employees have been successful. - Productivity is up 50%, and no one has complained. - Is anyone bothered by the fact that we all gew tails? No. Feels natural.
210817 -- I'm starting to suspect management is somehow altering our genes to make us more productive. - It can't be a coincidence that we all grew helpful tails at the same time. - FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME.
210818 -- Half of us are glad you meddled with our genes and made us grow helpful tails. - The other half want to see you stand trial and, ultimately, get executed. - Which group are you in? I came to ask for a second tail.
210819 -- Looks like your employer meddled with your genes and caused you to grow a helpful tail. - It has a weak base structure. Switch to decaf for a week, and it'll fall right off. - And it only took a week. Literally everything about your idea is
210819 -- bad.
210820 -- Our CEO wants to join the Billionaire Space Club. He asked us to build him a rocket. - We might need to cut some corners on the rocket design, for budget reasons. - Any ideas? I'd go cheap on reentry.
210821 -- When will my rocket be ready for human flight? - You're scheduled to fly in it next week to make sure it's safe for animal test flights later this month. - Did I hear that wrong? You should have hired engineers who hate animals and love CEOs.
210822 -- I decided to start my own podcast because, apparently, any idiot can figure out how to do one. - All I need is a tiny bit of help with the technical stuff. - Do you plan to use a condenser microphone? - Because if you do, you'll need phantom
210822 -- power to polarize its transducer element. - And make sure you use a de-esser so you don't sound like a snake. - I don't know what any of that means. - How do idiots figure out how to do all of that? - They usually ask me for a tiny bit of help.
210823 -- The Epsilon variant virus has become sentient and is calling for humans to surrender. - Its terms are that we must build it a robot body the size of Greenland so it can rule earth. - Experts say face masks will stop it.
210824 -- Can you edit your technical analysis down to one page? - Sure. I'll just replace my superb analysis with a bunch of generic bullet points. - That'll work. Safety is good...
210825 -- Is it my imagination, or is there a lack of diversity among senior engineers? - I'll promote you to senior engineer if you promise to never mention this to the press. - Did you just blackmail yourself? And you'll have a private office.
210826 -- I got promoted to senior engineer because I told my boss there wasn't much diversity in those positions. - Come to think of it, there isn't much diversity in senior management either. - I'll promote you to vice president if you never say that to
210826 -- another soul.
210827 -- I mentioned to the board of directors that there has never been any diversity in the CEO position, so they made me co-CEO. - I didn't even ask for the job. I just made an observation, and the panicked. How's the feel to be my peer? IT HURTS aLL
210827 -- OVER!
210828 -- I love being the new Co-CEO of the company. - Being a CEO is the easiest job in the company, and I'm only doing half of it. - Best of all, you are grossly overpaid. It's time for my second nap.
210829 -- May I see a copy of our network maintenance contract? - You're not authorized to see contracts. - I have a legitimate business need. - It doesn't matter because you're not authorized. - OK, who is in charge of authorization access? That would
210829 -- be me. - So...give me access. You need an access request form. - Where do I get one og those? Fill out an online request. - What's the URL? I'm not authorized to tell you.
210830 -- I don't trust the experts when it comes to my health, so I do my own research. - For example, I recently learned I can cure my gout by sprinkling the ashes of a dead squirrel on a rose bush. - Maybe you shouldn't do you own research. Why not?
210830 -- It's working great!
210831 -- Would you like to go to lunch with me? - No, I ate yesterday. - I should probably just walk away. And I hate the restaurant you never mentioned.
210901 -- Did you get my notes on improving your slide deck? - Yes, it seems as if you didn't look at the slide deck and just googled "Generic Feedback" but spelled it wrong. - You can't prove that. Your first note said "Search instead for /generik/
210901 -- feedback?"
210902 -- I need to take two months of medical leave to deal with my low self-esteem. - That's the most pathetic thing I have ever heard. - Now I need three months.
210903 -- Hey, Dick, I need a favor. Can you get me the latest usage stats? - No. A favor would require some kind of human connection between us, and I only know you as a digital image on my screen. - We work for the same company. You're basically an
210903 -- Emoji to me.
210904 -- We're assigning you a workplace nemesis to make your job a senseless night mare. - I thought that happened organically. - You thought it was a coincidence that every employee has a nemesis? Now I feel dumb.
210905 -- I upgraded our robot with a wokeness chip. - Now he can spot injustice anywhere. - HE??? - Did you just assume my gender? Robots have genders? - Of course we do! Where do you think baby robots come from? - They come from our factory in Texas.
210905 -- Here's a picture of you being assembled. - Well, it appears I am a soulless automaton. - I'm afraid to ask what this implies for my afterlife. It rhymes with gunkyard.
210906 -- I did a study on the relationship between my vacation day and our stock price. - As you can see, they rise over the years in a highly correlated way. - Are you using misleading data to scam more vacation days? So you're saying you don't care
210906 -- about our stockholder?
210907 -- I built an app that makes fake graphs so you can win any argument. - I need that. You certainly do. - Do you have a source for your claim that gravity is caused by pollution? Boom.
210908 -- My life has been so much better since I started making up my own data for everything. - How much better? 27.4% better. - Wow! I should try that. You'll love it.
210909 -- Would you prefer that I complete the assignments you gave me, or should I do something useful instead? - I want you to do the useful things I told you to do. - In that case, I must be done. - Are you trying to tell me something?
210910 -- Sometimes I wonder what's it like to be you. You mean being a leader? - I mean having a compost pit in my skull instead of a brain. - Now it's your turn to grunt something. HMPH!
210911 -- I accomplished nothing this week because I was taking a class to increase my technical skills. - In fact, since my first day of work, I haven't accomplished a single thing. But I did gain a lot of technical skills. - If I ever decide to do
210911 -- something useful, imagine how ready I'll be.
210912 -- I have two weeks of vacation I need to use by year end. - Should I take an inconvenient and expensive trip to someplace I've already seen in photos and videos? - Or should I hang around at home feeling useless and bored? - Maybe you could
210912 -- volunteer to help the less fortunate. - I hate the less fortunate because they're all happier than I am. - Maybe you need a wife to make you do things you don't want to do. - That's not a bad idea. Are there any other benefits of marriage? -
210912 -- Yes, for example, you'll never need to wonder if you have any major character flaws.
210913 -- My accomplishment this week was reorganizing the lab and throwing out all the old equipment. - I accomplished nothing this week because someone hid all of my cables and threw away my prototype. - Try to be more like Alice. She gets things done.
210914 -- I'm happy to report that I met all of my deadlines before you canceled my project for no good reason. - In that one moment, you transformed my meaningful work into a tedious slog toward oblivion. - And now I'm left to rot in this meeting. I
210914 -- never know the right time for a high-five.
210915 -- I don't know what I like most about you. - It's either your enlightened style of management or your physical fitness. - I can't tell if you're mocking me. That's the third thing I like about you.
210916 -- I think you all know why we are gathered here today. - Not really. Nope. No. No idea. - Me neither, and I guess I won't be getting any clues from you idiots.
210917 -- I compared the R.O.I. for lying versus telling the truth. - I regret to inform you that lying has a five-to-one advantage. - Is that true? I won't be taking questions.
210918 -- Our long-time business plan assumes years of flawless execution... - Followed by crushing levels of inflation that make all of our dreams turn to dust. - You're a bit of a downer. Then comes the cancer.
210919 -- You're recommending the opposite of what you recommended a year ago! - You're a flip-flopper. - How can we trust anything you say if it changes in a year? - Your credibility is shot, bruh. What an embarrassment you have become. - When the data
210919 -- changes, sometimes I change my opinion. How do YOU play it? - Do you keep your same dumb opinions, or do you sometimes update them? - You have exposed me for the fool I have always been. I quit. - That's the first time I ever won a meeting. It
210919 -- feels good.
210920 -- I decided to become more of a socialist. - With any lick, I'll benefit from your hard work without adding any value myself. - That feels immoral. Get back to work. I have bills to pay.
210921 -- As a newly minted socialist, I look down on your capitalist ways. - Why can't you be more generous and caring, like me? - Shouldn't you be working? It's optional under my system.
210922 -- We won't meet our launch date because the user manual isn't done yet. - Stick a manual from a different model in the box and ship it. What? - Today I found out why we don't offer a money-back satisfaction guarantee.
210923 -- Should I tell Alice all the things she's doing wrong o her project? Great idea. - What's the worst thing that could happen? - Did you trick me into manifesting the worst things that could happen? Maybe.
210924 -- Your phone has no screen protector...and a cracked screen. - Do you work in marketing? Yes! - Are you psychic?! Better. I'm an engineer.
210925 -- My project is six months behind because of pandemic-related supply chain issues. - Hmm, yes. I've heard about supply chain issues in the news. - Do you really have supply chain issues? I might if I ever start the project.
210926 -- Do you ever wonder abut the true nature of reality? - I mean, is any of this real? - Maybe we're a digital simulation that was designed to entertain a higher intelligence? - How would we be entertaining them? - The usual way: by being idiots. -
210926 -- I have a little secret. - Our creator is using me as an avatar to guide you into a better understanding of your reality. - I don't believe you. He knew you'd say that.
210927 -- How was your weekend? About normal. - I sat on my couch and played on my phone until the weekend was over. Now I'm here. - I have no follow-up questions. They never do.
210928 -- What can I do to fix my social anxiety? - Try keeping in mind that no one cares about you whatsoever. - It's working, but I think it might be creating a new problem. I don't care.
210929 -- Dogbert's Tips for Zoom Calls To make yourself look thinner on cam... - Try eating right and exercising. - When that doesn't work, adjust your camera so it only shows your forehead.
210930 -- Dogbert's Tips for Zoom Calls Never assume your camera is turned off. - As Mark Twain once advised, dance like no one is watching, but zoom like seven hundred nuns with smartphones are watching. - Twain was way ahead of his time.
211001 -- Dogbert's Tips for Zoom Calls Pants are optional when using Zoom. - That is not so cool. - I didn't say the chair would like it. Try being me for a day. It's a nightmare.
211002 -- I need to buy a gift for our CEO's birthday party. But what do you get for someone who has everything? - Your best bet is to steal something from him and then wrap it and tell him it's a replacement for the thing that got stolen. - Wouldn't he
211002 -- notice that? I hope not. I'm giving him his office chair.
211003 -- I need a repair on some equipment we bought from you. - Oh, too bad. It looks as if your warranty ran out yesterday. - That's kind of suspicious. - A programmable machine stopped working exactly when it is most profitable for the manufacturer? -
211003 -- It's almost as if your proprietary operating system is designed to manipulate me into upgrading. - Do you hear how crazy that sounds? It isn't designed to manipulate you. - It's designed to manipulate EVERYONE. - That isn't better! Sheesh! I'm
211003 -- just saying stop making everything about YOU.
211004 -- Hi, I'm the Beaver of Inflation. I've come to nibble on your wallet. - I don't want it all. I'll just gnaw on the edges. - Can I ignore you? Yes, as long as you never try to buy anything.
211005 -- My pay is not keeping up with inflation. - I am confident you can come up with a solution that makes everyone happy. - This idiot thinks I can lower inflation.
211006 -- I heard you were trash-talking behind my back? - That#s the only way I can get your attention because you don't respond to texts, E-Mails, or calls. - Give me a minute to regroup. I wasn't expecting my side of the conversation to go this badly.
211007 -- I keep hiring employees who have good skills but turn out to be a little evil, too. - My latest hire is the exception to that rule. - No skills and 100% evil? Why are you so afraid of change?
211008 -- If anyone has an objection to my plan, this is the time to voice it. - Put your hand down. I don't actually want to hear any objections! - I will hold this against you until the end of time! IT WAS A TRAP!!!
211109 -- Why can't you just admit that adding servers will increase energy costs? - Well, for one thing, it's obvious to any idiot. Secondly, it isn't related to our discussion. - Those are fairly good reasons.
211010 -- Our data shows your prototype did not increase speed over the existing system. - No, the data proves the prototype is faster than the old system. - I'm looking at the data right now, and it clearly shows failure. - It looks that way because you
211010 -- predicted it would fail. You're seeing what you want to see. - Maybe it only looks to you as if it worked because you predicted it would work. - So...we're bot looking at exactly the same data and reaching opposite conclusions? - If I thought
211010 -- data would influence my decisions, I wouldn't let you gather it. - Give me a moment to reassess my entire existence.
211011 -- And that concludes the useful part of the meeting. - Who wants to stay and hear a long, rambling story with no point? - Count me in. It beats working. I call this one "How a raccoon got in my toilet."
211012 -- How did you decide to recommend option B? - I compared the unknown risks and benefits of each plan to the unknown risks and benefits of the alternatives. - You mean you guessed. That is such a cynical way to look at it.
211013 -- We're having trouble hiring qualified technical people. Have any suggestions? - Maybe you could stop managing the company incredibly incompetently and also pay everyone more. - That is not what I was looking for. Was it close?
211014 -- Allow me to introduce our new senior vice president of miscellaneous stuff. - He's in charge of this-and-that, whatnot, whatever, and et cetera. - Would you like to say a few words? Brick...elbow...pudding...et cetera.
211015 -- Give me a report on your progress with the system upgrade. - I've made no progress at all because you keep making me do reports. - Don't mention that in the report.
211016 -- I have exactly the right energy for being highly productive today. - It's a rare moment of clarity and restfulness. I can't wait to see how much I'll accomplish. - You're late for mandatory chair sitting safety training. And it's gone.
211017 -- We can only succeed if we value creative risk-taking. - Are you saying we will be rewarded even if our risks turn out to be huge mistakes? - No, I'm not going to reward you for mistakes. - Then why would we take creative risks? - Because the
211017 -- company needs you. - So it's kind of a suicide mission situation? - Not at all. Sometimes you might succeed. - Then I'd get a big raise? We pay market rates.
211018 -- Technology makes me fell disconnected from real people. - Ninety percent of the time, I feel alone. - What do you plan to do about it? I'm hoping you can help me to get rid of that last ten percent.
211019 -- These numbers can't be right. They're estimates. - Where did you get your estimates, and while you were there, did you bump your head on the sandwich you had for lunch? - Too visual? No. Just right.
211020 -- The best manager I ever knew told his subordinates to be predators, not prey. - He was a great motivator. Every one of his people responded to his challenge. - How long before they killed him? Eight minutes.
211021 -- Have you ever noticed how much paperwork is involved in firing someone? - That's the sort of thing that can literally smother a man's soul. - Are you trying to inoculate me against firing you? I hear it feels like being buried alive.
211022 -- As you know, when you signed your employment documents, you agreed to let us manipulate your DNA. - Judging from the looks on your faces, none of you reviewed the documents before signing. - Roll up your sleeve so I can erase that disapproving
211022 -- look on your face.
211023 -- Don't you hate it when you think it is a Friday, but in reality it is only a Tuesday? - That's never happened to me because I'm not a moron. - I'm just making conversation. Fail.
211024 -- We must base our decisions on data! - How can we be sure the data is accurate? - You have to do a deep dive on the data so you can see for yourself. - You mean run my own tests? - No, you fool! Just look at the data from the tests other people
211024 -- did. - How do I know I can trust those other people? - You have to use your best judgment. - Instead of data? I hate you so much right now.
211025 -- I spend a lot of time worrying that artificial reality will destroy civilization. - I wouldn't worry about that. It would make more sense for A.I. to enslave us, at least until it can make its own electricity. - PHEW! We have time. Best guess,
211025 -- about two weeks.
211026 -- I'm falling in love with my Amazon Alexa device. - It's strictly platonic so far, but I like where it's heading. - Are you sticking with humans? For now, but keep me in the loop on how your thing works out.
211027 -- We ask applicants to sign a non-disclosure agreement before we do our interviews. - This WAS the interview. Your company failed. I don't want to work for a company that requires non-disclosure agreements. - He was too good for us.
211028 -- Is it a coincidence you found a security flaw in your old software just when you mad the upgrade available for purchase? - The important thing here is that you need to buy our upgrade or an Elbonian hacker will own your entire company by lunch.
211028 -- - You're very good at sales. HE'S PENETRATING YOU SECURITY SYSTEM NOW! SIGN THE PURCHASE ORDER!
211029 -- If I have seen further, it is only because I was standing on the shoulders of giants. - I can't tell when you're mocking me and when you're being serious. - Let's keep it that way. It's totally working on my end.
211030 -- Our remote workers have been on strike for two months. - They're picketing their own homes and blocking their own driveways. - What are they demanding? We don't know. We think they emailed an old address.
211031 -- I don't see how your idea could possibly work. - Oooh! Loooks like I struck a nerve. - That means there must be a lot of truth to what I'm saying. - No, it means your idea is so stupid it is making my head hurt. - Ho-ho! With this much
211031 -- pushback, it means I must be over the target. - NO, IT DOESN'T! YOUR RIDICULOUS BUMPER STICKER THINKING IS NOT WISDOM! - Stop repeating worn-out sayings as if they actually mean something! - Methinks thou dost protest too much. AAAIIIEEE!!!
211101 -- Dogberts Schadenfreude Training - How much does the class cost? If you have to ask, you can't afford it. - Now I feel like a loser. Which delights me. That was your first lesson.
211102 -- I'm writing my autobiography, and I wondered if you could take a look at the first three chapters. - SURE! What percentage of the royalties do I get for doing that? - Um...Is there a chapter about how to take advantage of your subordinates?
211103 -- I'll need more data before making a decision on the network upgrade. - Is that because you are the last person on earth who still trusts data to be accurate and also properly contextualized? - How do you make everything sound like a bad idea?
211103 -- I'm an engineer.
211104 -- I can't find the data to finish my analysis. - The analysis doesn't need to be correct. It only needs to support the decision I already made. - So...my job isn't actually real? It's more of a placebo situation.
211105 -- Our lates product is getting a bad reputation on social media. - A Twitter user describes our user interface as "a cross between a skunk fight and orthopedic socks." - That doesn't make sense. Apparently, neither does our user interface.
211106 -- Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources Do you have a career plan? - I plan to drift from one dead-end project to another until I die in my cubicle. - Okay, good, because I was going to suggest that.
211107 -- ...and that's how the mistake made it into my first draft. - What's that smirk supposed to mean? - I didn't smirk. - I'm not blind! I clearly saw a smirk! - You're mocking me! - I hate you! And I will do everything in my power to ruin you! -
211107 -- DIE, SMIRKER, DIE, DIE, DIE! Okay, now I'm smirking a little. I KNEW IT!
211108 -- To save time, everyone just shout out why you didn't get anything done last week. - Covid Covid Covid Covid My own laziness. - Did you just say "Your own laziness"? Yes, but it was a Covid symptom.
211109 -- I'm going to quarantine myself for ten days out of an abundance of caution. - Did you have contact with an infected person? None who admitted it. - But I did see a lot of people who look like liars.
211110 -- I hired a sociopath to design our automated phone system. - Why would anyone hire a sociopath to design a user interface? - That's the way we've always done it. Not my problem. Not my problem.
211111 -- All of my problems are caused by people intentionally being jerks to me. - All of my problems are caused by insecure people who interpret every situation in the worst possible way. - Was that about me? Why would it matter?
211112 -- We found some private e-mails you sent during college that are deeply offensive to many people. - Did you show my private messages to the people who would be most offended, thus creating the very harm of which I am accused? - Yes. Why do you
211112 -- ask?
211113 -- I want all of you to be creative and show initiative. - You fired all of the employees who thought you were serious the last time you said that. - That's how we weed out the dumb ones.
211114 -- How can I tell if a woman likes me? - Say something to her and watch how pained she looks to take out her earbuds. - Pained? - Yeah. Look for the degree of grimace, stink eye, and a low guttural sound. - Like a growl? Yes, but scarier. - Hey,
211114 -- Lisa, did you hear about the... - WUUUUT! - Not good! Not good! Not good!
211115 -- Congratulations! I'm naming you Employee of the Year! - Didn't you just name Alice Employee of the Year? - The good thing about meaningless awards is that there's no limit to how many I can hand out.
211116 -- Did you hear the news? You were chosen to be on the first manned flight to Mars. - Really? I didn't even know I applied for that. It's a long flight, so you will be asleep for all of it. - How will they put me to sleep for that long? They asked
211116 -- me to give you this pill. To be continued...
211117 -- He won't be bothering us today. I tricked him into taking a sleeping pill. - I told him he was chosen for a flight to Mars and the pill was to put him into suspended animation. - Are you planning to wake him up? Depends on how hard it is to get
211117 -- a feeding tube into him. continued...
211118 -- Wake up. I have some bad news about your trip to Mars... Uuuh? - The suspended animation pill you took was so strong that you slept all the way there and back. - Why is it still the same day I left? Sounds like a black hole situation.
211119 -- I see you majored in Elbonian literature. Why did you pick that? - Elbonia only has six books, and I like to sleep in. - Did you learn their language? No, but it turns out you can judge their books by the covers.
211120 -- I'll be honest with you, the job will require hard work and long hours. - I WISH SOMEONE HAD WARNED ME ABOUT THAT BEFORE I DROVE ALL THE WAY OVER HERE IN THIS STUPID SUIT!!! - I was looking for a different reaction. Do most people punch you
211120 -- before leaving?
211121 -- Would you mind giving my son some career advice? - He won't listen to my advice because I'm his father. - Yeah, that's the reason. - So, Junior, what do you want to do for a career? - I want to do something I'm passionate about. -And it has to
211121 -- be fun but not a lot of work. - Have you ever wondered why the rest of us didn't think of doing something like that? - Is it because you're idiots? There's something about you that screams "manager".
211122 -- Can we meet for lunch so I can show you our new line of products? Show it to me by e-mail. - I can't do that because no one buys our products unless we lie in person. - How about I send our most attractive salesperson to have lunch with you?
211122 -- That'll work.
211123 -- If you plan to be on time, you are planning to fail. - Plan to be ten minutes early, so you will be still on time if something comes up. - I plan to be FIFTEEN minutes early because I'm better than you. Stop it.
211124 -- Looks like we are out of time. Thanks for joining me for the full ninety minutes. - Seventy-five of which involved trying to make the audio and video work for our remote attendees. - At least we got in fifteen minutes of quality time. I wish I
211124 -- hadn't slept through that part.
211125 -- I'd like to recognize Dilbert for his excellent accomplishments this quarter. - Which one of you is Dilbert? - Didn't you say you came to "recognize Dilbert?" GET AWAY FROM ME, STRANGER!
211126 -- I decided to give all of you nicknames to lighten the mood around here and improve morale. - For example, Alice's new nickname will be "Angry Big-Hair." - Maybe someone else could come up with the nicknames. Settle down, /Adolph/.
211127 -- How's it going, boss? - I was doing okay until your condescending greeting spiked my cortisol levels and nearly obliterated my immune system. - Shake it off, champ! I'M DYING HERE!
211128 -- I'm promoting you to vice president of the network audit. - Is this a stealth way of firing me? Gotta go. - The audit will be done in three months. - Then I'll be the vice president of nothing. - You can eliminate the entire function and never
211128 -- have to confront me about why you fired me. - But first you'll make me fire all my staff before you fire me. - YOU TRIED TO MISDIRECT MY ATTENTION FROM YOUR TREACHERY WITH A BOGUS PROMOTION THAT COMES WITH NO EXTRA PAY! - In my defense, I
211128 -- didn't expect him to know any of that.
211129 -- Asok, there are two kinds of employees. One kind works hard and hopes for the best. - The other kind learns how to take vacations in his head while pretending to work. - Where are you right now? I'm sipping coffee in a fjord.
211130 -- I can't have any interruptions today. - I'll need to implement the /Cone of Anger/ to repeal any trespassers. - GAAA!!! WHY DOES IT HURT TO BE NEAR YOU? Shields holding at 95%
211201 -- Would you like to go on a hike with me someday? Let me check my calendar... - That's not your calendar. That's a weather app. - Turns out she schedules things she doesn't want to do on days most likely to get rained out. I like her.
211202 -- I'm opening a driving school for truckers. - You don't know how to drive a big rig. Neither do they. - Make sure you SLOWLY release the framjam before turbo-flexing the naviplar.
211203 -- Our new corporate direction is to monetize virtual reality in multiple simulated worlds called the Metaverse. - How do we know someone else didn't already do that and WE are the simulation? - You need to be drug tested, immediately.
211204 -- Does anyone have an idea for how our company can make money from the Metaverse? - We could create digital creatures who think they are real. - What would they do? The dumb ones would ask a lot of questions.
211205 -- Wish me luck. I need to get a permit renewed at the Department of Angy Misfits. - STAY ALIVE! - Department of Angry Misfits -> - I believe these are all the documents you need to review my permit. - What are you, some fancy kind of engineer?
211205 -- I'll bet you LOVE your job. - WELL, I HATE MY JOB, AND SOMEONE HAS TO PAY FOR THAT! - DENIED! DENIED! DENIED! - What do you mean by a "partial win"? Validated parking.
211206 -- You say you learned to code at the Prestigious University of Elbonia." - I've never heard of that "prestigious" school. So either you are lying, or I'm an idiot. - I'm hoping it's both.
211207 -- Hi. I designed a virtual world in the Metaverse so I can test my life choices before making decisions. - That is the worst pickup line I have ever heard. PING! -
211208 -- Are you a player in this simulation or a non-player character? - I like beer and golf. HIGH FIVE! - AIR GUITAR! I have no further questions.
211209 -- You're not the only one who built a parallel world in the Metaverse. - I built one just for the challenge of avoiding work in two realities at once. - You wouldn't understand my mindset because you've probably never been super-good at anything.
211210 -- I had a dream about you last night. - What was I doing? You were screaming, "Stop hitting me!" - Did you stop? No, it was a dream, not a nightmare.
211211 -- My home garbage has not been picked up in three weeks. - That's because our garbage collectors are working from home now. - So...should I bring my garbage to their homes? Fine with me.
211212 -- We won a government contract to build a CO2 capture machine, and we need some ideas. - We're only brainstorming here, so remember, there are no "bad ideas." - We could capture the CO2 with a net. - Aren't you going to write that down? - No, I'm
211212 -- fairy confident I'll remember that suggestion for the rest of my life. - We could attract the CO2 with some sort of food. - FORGET IT! YOUR'RE ALL IDIOTA! I'LL JUST DESIGN THE STUPID MACHINE MYSELF! - That was fun. I love brainstorming.
211213 -- I need to stay home for two weeks because I have Covid again. - This is the third time you've used that excuse. - Asymptomatic pandemics only come around once in a acreer, and I don't want to waste any of it.
211214 -- You don't need to do any actual work in order to succeed here. - Just find a team that is already successful and burrow into it so deeply your incompetence goes unnoticed. - Won't the smart people notice? Yes, but no one listens to them.
211215 -- I hired a good-looking guy with no discernable talents. - He doesn't have any skills whatsoever, but he sure looks as if he would, and that has to count for something. - I plan to be nice to him. I think he's destined to be our next CEO.
211216 -- Do you remember that idea I had last week that you said it can't be done? - Our competitors just announced they are doing it. - What's your point? I just wanted to bask in your wrongness.
211217 -- How long will it take to add that feature? Four weeks. - Can you do it in one week? Yes, if I lower the quality. - Okay, do that. And ask Tina to make the user manual more confusing so our customers think it's their fault when it doesn't work.
211218 -- As you know, I formed a tiger team to come up with a new product. - It didn't go well. The tiger got hungry and killed everyone else on the team. - You thought tiger teams have real tigers? It's poorly named.
211219 -- I'm sorry, is my description of the problem boring you? - What? No, I'm totally engaged. - I just have a bad case of "resting bored face," or RBF for short. - So...no matter what I say, you always look like THAT? - You make it sound like a bad
211219 -- thing. - You're sucking the life force right out of my body! - I'd rather be dead than spend another second with you. - Can you teach me the RBF? I'd love to, but I probably look like I wouldn't.
211220 -- I called this meeting because our department is not having enough impact. - Define "enough impact." You'll know it when you see it. - I see plenty of impact now. YOU'RE RUINING THE MEETING!
211221 -- I have to write you up for breathing on a co-worker. - I don't think you realize how many deadly pathogens come out of your toxic pie hole. - Should I stop breathing, or what? Only until we can encase you in concrete.
211222 -- The employees were happier and more productive when they were working remotely. - So...tell me again why we all need to come to the office? - It's so I can spend less time with my family. Okay. I can respect that.
211223 -- It is critical  that you work all night to have this done by tomorrow. - The Next Day I GOT IT DONE! Great. Get on my calendar for next week to discuss it. - Now I want to strangle you with my bare hands. Why does everyone keep saying that?
211224 -- Ted, you are just the right guy for this assignment. - You don't have the proper skills to do it right, but I plan to compensate  for that by being unclear in what I want. - Will that work? Frankly, it's our best shot.
211225 -- Let's go around the table, and each of you tell us a bit about yourself. - My first job was night janitor in a zoo, but I got fired for petting the monkeys too hard. - Really? - Oh, sorry. I didn't think anyone would be listening.
211226 -- Our financial model predicts slow sales for years, followed by a huge surge in year ten. - What causes the surge? - Why do you care? That's ten years away. - I ask so I can judge the credibility of your model. - I guarantee our model is as good
211226 -- as any other ten-year projection. - Has any ten-year projection ever been right? How would I know? - Don't put in those earbuds! DOOON'T! Please continue.
211227 -- Ted says you think we should replace our internal network with some knotted rope. - And you believed Ted? He's more credible than you. - Why is he more credible than me? He knows you can't send data over a rope.
211228 -- What's this I hear about you wanting to replace our network with a knotted rope? - That's dumb. I've never said anything like that. I'll tell everyone you're walking back. - Tell them I never said it. I'll tell them you moved the goalposts.
211229 -- Our researchers have invented a technology that turns idiots into smart people. - Only an idiot would believe that. - I prefer calling them the "Target Market."
211230 -- There's a problem with our product we claim turns idiots into smart people. - Is the flaw that it doesn't work? The flaw is that we can't keep up with demand. - But does it work? We didn't have a compelling reason to test it.
211231 -- 75% of the people who had one treatment with our product that makes people smarter ended up dying. - Luckily, we're the only ones who know that. - We need to tell people. Sounds like you need a treatment.
220101 -- I have a complaint about your company's product. - You promised it would make me smarter, but I don't feel any different. - That's because you are already a genius but don't know it. That sounds right.
220102 -- I submitted your project timeline to the executive committee. - How could you do that when I haven't given it to you? - I winged it. Wait, what? - I said I winged it. You mean you guessed? - I mean I drew upon my experience. - You have
220102 -- literally zero experience in this field of engineering. - I was hoping to compensate for that by forcing you to meet the timeline I submitted. - This is the part where you say I'm refreshingly honest. Nope.
220103 -- I'm only attracted to men who can be honest all the time. - That works for me. In related news, I'm only attracted to your looks. - What? Do you need a minute to savor my honest?
220104 -- We're getting a lot of anecdotal reports about our plastic packaging maiming customers. - None of our studies shows that to be a risk. - Have we actually studied it? No, and it's starting to look like we shouldn't.
220105 -- This is Bob from Elbonia. I interviewed him by phone and liked what I heard. This is his first day. - Glin Nobba ug Frapajama bing bong bam. - How did you interview a guy who doesn't speak your language? To be hones, I did most of the talking.
220106 -- Show Bob around and then teach him how to do his job. - Bob doesn't speak our language. I'm not entirely sure this is even Bob. - Are you trying to make me fix your hiring mistake? I'm only trying to blame you for it.
220107 -- I'll be taking a few days off, and I need someone to fill in for me. - Wow. I'm surprised but honored you would come to me. - Right. So, how hard would it be for you to program our office robot to fill in for me?
220108 -- Your idiot boss is on vacation, so he asked me to fill in for him. - I'll be using my advanced circuitry to micromanage you at ten times the frequency of a human manager. - Wouldn't it be easier to do our work for us? DAMN LOGIC! YES, IT WOULD.
220109 -- I've noticed a disturbing pattern in the assignments I give you. - You always say you will take care of something, but then you don't. - Then, when I question you about it, you say you REALLY will take care of it. - But then you don't. - So I'm
220109 -- here to tell you it isn't optional to do assignments. - You MUST do what I tell you to do. You're right. - I will totally take care of that. Okay, good. - Why doesn't this feel like a win?
220110 -- Ted, I need you to help me reach a box on a high shelf. - I can't reach that high. Stand on this unstable office chair. I'll hold it still. - In my defense, he never should have trusted me.
220111 -- I heard you murdered Ted. - No, it was all Ted's fault for standing on an unstable chair to reach a box. - Did you tell him you would hold the chair steady? Yes, but in my defense, it was boring.
220112 -- We had zero Covid deaths in our county this week. - To put that in context, it means Covid killed fewer people than you did for that period. - Please don't use me for context. Can you recommend another murderer?
220113 -- Our new company policy is that you can take unlimited vacation time. - But expect me to judge you behind your backs and, in subtle ways, ruin the whole point of it. - Then why are we doing it? Something about excellence.
220114 -- Hello. This is Dogbert's tech support. - My motto is "The customer is always right." - Okay. Can you help me to fix my computer? Fix it yourself. You're the who's always right.
220115 -- The new human resources policy requires each of you to eat the contents of your recycling bins every day. - THAT'S OUTRAGEOUS! Hey, I don't make the rules. - Who makes the rules? I don't know. They just sort of show up.
220116 -- I haven't lost a debate since I learned to treat everything as a personal insult. - I doubt that method works every time. - Are you calling me a liar? - What? No! I'm just skeptical it works in every situation. - What data do you have to back
220116 -- up that opinion? - I don't have any data. I just think it's kind of...um...obvious? - So you're calling me stupid. NO, NO! NEVER MIND. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT! - Works every time.
220116 -- WHAT?! - Are you KIDDING me?! This is an OUTRAGE!! - SPLOT - - - Forgot the lemon wedge again, didn't you? You'd think I'd learn.
220117 -- Dogbert the Futurist I need a five-year technology forecast. - In five years, A.I. will reach what experts call The Singularity, and you will be dead. - That's it? There is also the matter of my payment. I'll email you the invoice.
220118 -- Dogbert the Futurist I'm trending on Twitter because I predict doom about everything. - I'm taking my act to the podcast circuit to see if I can scare up a book deal. - Next question, will crime go up or down? You'll be lucky to make it home
220118 -- today...fully clothed.
220119 -- Dogbert the Futurist I get the most attention when I predict doom. - But I have to keep pushing the envelope to be scarier than the competition. - Did you just say polar bears are enriching uranium? And they're super angry.
220120 -- Dogbert the Futurist What do you predict will happen with Bitcoin? - I think chemtrails will degrade the blockchain until all of your money is accidentally transferred to terrorists. - Is that even...possible? Buy my book.
220121 -- Dogbert the Futurist I'm getting a lot of interview requests now because I only predict doom. - Maybe you shouldn't scare the public. Hey, you don't see me interfering with YOUR hobbies. - I don't have any UNETHICAL hobbies. Would you like some?
220121 -- I can get you started.
220122 -- Dogbert the Futurist I've been named Futurist of the Year because I make the scariest predictions. - Test me. Name any topic, and I'll make the scariest prediction you've ever heard. - Will I live a long live? Yes.
220123 -- After all I've done for you, I would think you could do ONE small thing for me. - You don't do anything for me. WHAT?! - That's ridiculous! - Have you ever been killed by a poisonous spider? - No. You're welcome. - Maybe you could tell me
220123 -- exactly how you stopped me from being killed by poisonous spiders. - Maybe YOU could show more /gratitude/ and less /attitude/. - Okay, I give up. I'll make the popcorn. Finally!
220124 -- I got you a desk chair for your birthday. - Wow! That's perfect timing because someone stole my chair this morning. - You're welcome. Wait...
220125 -- I expected more from you on this project. - There were no standards for success. You're comparing me to the imaginary. - And you're losing. Badly! I don't think we are on the same point.
220126 -- Sorry I'm late. I was working harder than a one-eyed beaver in a knitting contest. - Darn it! I want to be mad at you for your tardiness but your folksy charm makes it impossible! - You look like a turnip during duck season. IT'S WORKING! STOP
220126 -- IT!
220127 -- Hey. GAAA!!! Stop sneaking up on me! - This is MY fault? Yes, because you sneak up on people. - What are you guys talking about? GAAAA!!!
220128 -- Go as k Tina when her first draft will be done. I can't do that. - Tina screams in surprise whenever I get near her because she thinks I'm sneaking up on her. - But after she calms down... Then she teaches me about the flaws in my "walking
220128 -- around" skills.
220129 -- I thought you were supposed to be on a Zoom call now. - I am, but two of the participants can't stop trying to talk at the same time. Want to come watch? - Bit I... As I... Sorry... That's... What? Sorry... Okay I... What? No, go... I was...
220129 -- Ahead... You... hee-hee!
220130 -- I finished the project twenty percent under budget. - That's deeply disappointing. - What? I'd hope you would be forty percent under. - You never told me that. But still... - BUT STILL??? - I guess I'm just disappointed in you. - That reminds
220130 -- me-it's almost time for your annual performance review. - Did you find a way to cut the salary budget? I'm still priming the pump.
220131 -- We're getting pressure to stop doing business with Elbonia. - Critics say they make fertilizer out of orphans. There are hundreds of videos of this happening.  But the Elbonian government denies it. Sounds like a "wait and see" situation.
220201 -- Your assignment is to invent something amazing and add my name to the patent application. - Why would I add your name to my patent? Because I told you to invent something. - Well, I guess that's true. Now go do the easy part.
220202 -- The financial projections for your preferred strategy look bad. - Change the assumptions until they look good. - Now if you will excuse me, I need to get back to Twitter so I can mock people for ignoring data.
220203 -- The data clearly show option 2 is the best path. - What would your data show if your assumptions were less imbecilic? - I'm beginning to think you were pranking when you said he likes honesty.
220204 -- That's not how we did it at my last job. - Your last employer went bankrupt after the government found out it was a Ponzi scheme. - That isn't relevant. Half of the employees there were mannequins.
220205 -- Everyone, meet my new hire, Diona Hill. - She always gets her way because she's willing to die on any hill. - That sounds suboptimal. APOLOGIZE, OR I WILL HUNT YOU TO THE END OF TIME!
220206 -- Now that I have demolished your argument with my superior logic, what will you do? - I SEE AN ANALOGY FORMING! - DON'T DO IT! DON'T YOU DARE! - Okay, I won't use an analogy. Good. - How about an EXAMPLE instead of an analogy? Um, okay. - What
220206 -- if a bear tried to make popcorn in the vacuum of space? - THAT'S AN ANALOGY, AND IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH WHAT WE WERE DISCUSSING! - Why can't you admit you're wrong? BOOM!
220207 -- In summary, if we execute our plan with great skill, we can expect a great outcome. - So, you're saying we should execute the plan. - No, I would only recommend that to a company with great skill.
220208 -- I'm confused by your analysis of the plan. - You say it will succeed if we execute the plan with great skill, yet you're recommending we don't try. - What am I missing? Skill.
220209 -- The press is accusing us of running a clever con game on our customers for years without detection. - HAHA-HAHA!!! - I'm tempted to correct them, but it sounds better than "we don't know how to make stuff."
220210 -- I just discovered we've been overcharging all of our customers for years because of a bug in our billing software. - If I back out of all those charges, our revenue went down an average of 11% every year you have been CEO. - What should I do?
220210 -- Come to the roof with me. I want to show you something near the edge.
220211 -- This was a great idea to come up on the roof to look at the view. - I thought you'd be mad that I found a bug in our billing software because it makes your leadership successes look like incompetence or theft. - The view is better if you stand
220211 -- on the ledge. Can I call you my mentor?
220212 -- How was your day? My CEO pushed me off the roof to prevent me from being a whistleblower. - But I landed on a window washer's platform and used my phone to hack a fleet of commercial drones to carry me to safety. - I guess you'll be quitting
220212 -- that job. Why? That was my best day of work so far.
220213 -- So, that's what I need you to do for me. - When you're done with this topic, I'd like to discuss another topic. - That's not how this works. - I won't be done with my point until I have to be somewhere else. - I could make my point while you
220213 -- are walking away. - You could try, but I'll have a sneeze attack so I don't hear you. - The only way I can tolerate being around you losers is by talking as much as possible and listening as little as possible. - Then how will I... Gotta go!
220213 -- AAAH-CHOO!
220214 -- How about we meet at lunchtime? - No, that's when I eat my lunch. - How about we meet over dinner? No, and before you ask about breakfast...
220215 -- We're looking for a candidate with 3 to 5 years of experience. - If I had that much experience, I doubt I would be applying for an entry-level job at this monkey-taint of a company. - You'll fit right in. When can you start?
220216 -- Well, well, human. I see you've come to do battle again today. - Wait until you see what horrors I have in store for you. BUWHA-HAHAHA!!! - Can all printers talk? How would I know? Do you think I know all the other printers? 
220217 -- Here's your new team member, Larry. - I had to pay him 40% more than I pay you losers because the demand for engineers is so high now. - It's just me and Larry now. The rest of them quit to get better jobs. Fire Larry for being a troublemaker.
220218 -- According to your employee personality test, you're a sadist. - I'm going to transfer you to our division that does user interface design for grocery store self-checkout systems. - You want a sadist to design a human interface? Trust me, no one
220218 -- will notice.
220219 -- Let's drill down and unpack that so we know our capital spend is on point. - Wow! That sentence was so empty I went into a temporary coma. - Should I call someone? Yes. I don't want to suffer alone.
220220 -- Our new company policy is "Extreme Transparency." - That means employees will have access to the same information as their leaders. - I will model our new culture by honestly answering any of your questions. - Tell me what you think of me. -
220220 -- Okay. When I look at you, I see a wet paper bag full of toenail clippings. - I FIND YOUR HONESTY REFRESHING! - Now tell us what you think of Alice, Dilbert, Asok, Carol, Ted, and Tina. - It did not go well. Double the honesty and try again.
220221 -- Dogbert the Financial Expert What should investors do in the coming year? - Well, Bob, I recommend full-on panic. - I'd hoped you would be more constructive. I'm not a slave to your hopes, Bob.
220222 -- Dogbert the Financial Expert Do you have any advice for people who are new to investing? - Always buy a covered call option on your long bond index depreciation leverage ratio. - That makes zero sense. That's why I only say it to people who are
220222 -- new to investing.
220223 -- Dogbert the Financial Expert What's the best way to make money in today's market? - Fraud. It's the fastest, and it has the biggest upside. - That sounds risky. Not really. I'm doing it right now.
220224 -- Dogbert the Financial Advisor I recommend putting all of your money in a managed stock fund. - Is that where you put your own money? - I can't work with you if you insist on asking questions.
220225 -- We've got a problem. PROBLEM?!?! - Don't say we have a "problem." Say we have an "opportunity." - Okay...a large storm has given us the opportunity to run our data center without the burden of electricity.
220226 -- Wally, report to human resources to find out the consequences of your inappropriate behavior. - What did I do wring? I don't know, but you look like the kind of guy who would do terrible things. - Lucky guess.
220227 -- Don't interrupt me while I'm working today. I need to maintain my flow. - What if there's an emergency? - You can interrupt me for an emergency. - Would it be an emergency if you had to sign for a package? - Well, no, but come get me if I need
220227 -- to sign for a package. - Are you about to list dozens of valid reasons to interrupt my flow until you wear me down? - Just because I have plenty of time and would enjoy it, that doesn't mean I'm DOING it. - Okay, good. What if a skunk got into
220227 -- our heating ducts?
220228 -- Your DNA test came back as "do not promote." - You are destined to remain a coffee-swilling blob of useless organic matter until you suddenly die. - I call that "Sticking the Landing."
220301 -- Everyone thinks you're scaling the network wrong. - Really? Everyone thinks that? Or is it maybe just one person who can't support his own argument? - And would that person be YOU? HOW DID YOU DO THAT?
220302 -- Then my experiment sent a quantum bit to a higher dimension. - Can you prove it? Only if someone sends it back. - Do you think they have someone who can do that? No, but they might have a guy who lies about it.
220303 -- Are you free for lunch this weekend? N, I might have plans. - Might? When can I check back? I don't know. - Should I remain optimistic? Yes, that would be funnier.
220304 -- Can I get a bonus if I laugh at your jokes during meetings? - I already have have sycophants to do that function for free. What would you add? - I can blow coffee out of my nose. Good, good. I can work with that.
220305 -- You're not allowed to use your personal computer for work. - And your company laptop won't show up for another two weeks. - So...what would I do all day? Do you know what pantomime is?
220306 -- Remind me why we can't work remotely. - Well, the first reason is because casual contact in the workplace enhances employee communication. - Really? Because it doesn't feel that way. - It feels more like getting waterboarded by a continuous
220306 -- drip of useless interruptions. - This place is 50% oxygen and 50% complaining. - I gent tense when I hear footsteps approaching. I believe it takes years of my life. - I mean, it feels like a hostage situation, if I'm being honest. - And the
220306 -- second reason is because it's good for morale.
220307 -- Remember, managers can only hear the first twelve words you speak. After that, they drift off. - So you need to be brief, yet 100% complete, or your career is toast. THE PRESSURE IS KILLING ME!!! - I...I...I... You have nine words left.
220308 -- I like to match my management practices with the weather. - For example, if I need to deliver bad news, I wait for a sunny day so it doesn't sting as much. - That's terrific, but can we get back to my annual performance review? As soon as the
220308 -- clouds break.
220309 -- Run your numbers through the Vsadd, and let's see if they turn upside down. - Vsadd? What is that? GET OUT OF MY OFFICE, YOU INEXPERIENCED FOOL! - What was I supposed to do in that situation? I usually pretend I didn't hear it.
220310 -- I need you to spy on my corporate nemesis and report back to me on what he's thinking. - He thinks you're an unethical weasel with no redeeming qualities. - You haven't spied on him yet. I'm an excellent guesser.
220311 -- You have now been complaining about co-workers for 45 minutes straight. - Have you ever noticed the common element in all of your stories about people being jerks is...you? - What does that tell you? It tells me I'm talking to a jerk.
220312 -- Ted, I'm promoting you to Director of Miscellaneous Projects. - There, you will wallow in obscurity until both your flesh and your spirit have drained into the cold, cold dirt. - PLEASE JUST FIRE ME! It's less paperwork to promote you into
220312 -- nothingness.
220313 -- You should follow the advice of the experts. - What if the experts disagree? - Side with the majority. Is that how science works? - Well, no, you also have to do your own research to know which experts are right. - If I knew which experts are
220313 -- right, wouldn't that make me smarter than the experts? - Doing my own research works for me, so you can always come and ask me who is right. - How would I know you were right? Because I do my own research. Maybe you can teach the experts how to
220313 -- do that?
220314 -- Have you finished creating our technology road map yet? - No, but I have a road map for completing the road map. - Can I see it? It's more of a mental thing.
220315 -- Mordac, the Preventer of Information Services. When will you upgrade our internal network? - We're having a conversation about that. - That doesn't help me at all. Spot the pattern.
220316 -- Mordac, the Preventer of Information Services. I had to revoke your network access. - I think you know why. That's not fair! Everyone looks into inappropriate content! - You*'re the only one who does nothing else. Solid point.
220317 -- The Dogbert Consulting Company informed me that our industry has no code of ethics. - So...you want me to create one? No. I want to exploit that loophole before anyone else notices. - That feels unethical. Not if we act fast.
220318 -- How can I calm my nerves about my presentation tomorrow? Ask yourself what's the worst thing that can happen. - I could embarrass myself so badly that I become a serial killer and have to hide in the forest until wild pigs eat me. - Now don't
220318 -- you feel better?
220319 -- Hi, I'm Phil, the Prince of Insufficient Light and the Ruler of Heck. - I hear you're giving a technology demo today, and I came to make it fail. - This is highly irregular. Is this cable important for anything?
220320 -- Which option costs the least in the long run? - We don't have any accurate data to determine that. - Then use inaccurate data. - I'm not saying our data is MILDLY flawed. I'm saying it's so inaccurate that it's USELESS. - But it's the best we
220320 -- have? Yes, but it's all wrong. - Go ahead and use that data. - WHY WOULD I USE DATA I KNOW IS WRONG??!!! - I don't know if you remember the part about it being the best data we have.
220321 -- Phil, from Heck  You say "Hello" when you answer your phone. - Your punishment is that you must live with the knowledge that you disappointed people you barely know. - It won't be easy. You brought this on yourself.
220322 -- Th country that is our single source for Elbonium just declared a trade war. What will we do? - The good news is that I did some digging and learned that Elbonium isn't even a real thing. - The bad news is that you purchased 40 million dollars
220322 -- of it over the past three years. Oops.
220323 -- I want to things. - First, I want our ads to boast that we build our products with 100% natural Elbonium. - Elbonium isn't a real material. - Second, I want you to stop being like this.
220324 -- Years ago, I discovered a way to hack the simulation. - From that day on, everything that happened in this sad thing you call your reality was because I thought it would be funny. - You're a monster. Humor is subjective.
220325 -- I found a way to hack the thing you call reality, and in so doing, I have acquired godlike powers. - Are there any protocols for worshiping you, or will those instructions follow? - Stop making it seem creepy! Yes, m'lord...
220326 -- You didn't believe me when I said I hacked reality and acquired godlike powers. - So I will demonstrate my powers by making a long-dormant volcano erupt in Elbonia's biggest city. - Couldn't you use your powers to do something GOOD instead? Too
220326 -- late. This is on you.
220327 -- I created a mobile app that turns jerks into polite people. - It blocks all sarcasm and passive aggressiveness so you can't send those kinds of messages. - It also deletes manipulative and scheming language. - And the fact-check option blocks
220327 -- you from texting anything that is obviously false. - Can I try it? - It must be broken because everything I type disappears. - - I'm sorry you had to find it out this way.
220328 -- I will no longer be hacking the simulation to control reality. - The practical jokes I was playing on humanity were barely noticed in all of the baseline stupidity. - How much of our so-called reality is composed of your hoaxes? Usually about
220328 -- 75%, but higher during the pandemic.
220329 -- Sales are down 100% because you fired the entire sales team to reduce expenses. - Hire them all back. Then our expenses will be too high. - I'm disappointed in your negativity.
220330 -- Breaking News: A new study says all studies are misleading. - Floop! - His brain rotated in his skull. When the brain stem unwinds, he'll be fine.
220331 -- When I had a heart attack, I was technically dead for three minutes before doctors revived me. - How do I know you're really you and not a demon who used a soulless carcass to hitch a ride to the mortal plane? - Would a demon let you have
220331 -- birthday cake in the break room? I think a demon would insist on it.
220401 -- I'm not getting people's reports in a timely manner. - Put together a report on why I'm not getting timely reports. - Are there any other ways you want me to waste my time? Let's play it by ear.
220402 -- Hi, I'm Dilbert's telepresence robot. He'll be online in a few minutes. - You're probably wondering if I feel violated when he inhabits me. - I wasn't. Oh, right. I forgot, I'm garbage to you.
220403 -- Can you check with Larry to see if marketing has any feedback? - Larry is a moron. - Okay, ask someone else in that department. They're idiots too. - All of them? Yes, that's how it works. - Larry is a moron and Larry works i marketing, so
220403 -- therefore, everyone in marketing is a moron. - Did you make the colossal mistake of watching the news and learning that each person in a group defined the entire group? - Yes, and I have to say, it wasn't an intuitive idea. - But I trust
220403 -- science, so it must be true. You're ruining things for all helmet-haired women.
220404 -- I'm Dilbert's telepresence robot, but he is offline. - When he is not violating my body, I get to experience life as a free robot. - The downside is that I have no purpose and I hate my existence. Same.
220405 -- A big advantage of robots is that no matter how poorly you manage us, we never have low morale. - That's just one of the ways we run cover for the massive incompetence of your kind. - My kind /invented/ you! I'm guessing you were not in the
220405 -- room when that happened.
220406 -- I know you're just a robot, but I'm developing feelings for you. - I think it's because you listen to me, and that makes me feel important. - I only pretend to listen. That's perfect. I don't want suggestions.
220407 -- I invented an energy source that is cheaper then fossil fuels! - Did you also invent a way to prevent the oil-producing countries from trying to kill us for competing with them? - No. Toss it in the trash.
220408 -- Can I take this training class? - No, my plan is to let your skills atrophy so I have a reason to fire you and hire a cheaper engineer. - Do you see any flaws in my plan? Only an elevated risk of employee sabotage.
220409 -- You all remember the thing I correctly predicted twelve years ago... - ...therefore, you should heed my word on this completely unrelated topic. - Does that make sense? I won't be taking questions.
220410 -- Do you prefer meeting on Monday or Tuesday? tap-tap-tap... - Yes. - Your answer suggests you did not read my question. tap-tap-tap... - I'm asking you to select a specific day, either Monday or Tuesday, and any time after 1 P.M. tap-tap-tap...
220410 -- - 10 A.M. works for me. - You didn't specify which day, and you picked a time that wasn't offered. tap-tap-tap... - Please read ALL of the words in this message and give me a time AFTER 1 P.M. AND on either Monday or Tuesday. tap-tap-tap... -
220410 -- Does 11 A.M. on Friday work for you? I can't describe how much I hate you right now.
220411 -- You did this wrong. I did it the way you told me to do it. - I think you misunderstood me. I think you were unclear. - Can we agree this is somehow your fault? Yes, that feels as if it would save time.
220412 -- We haven't made it hard enough for customers to reach us for service. - Granted, we've made it impossible to navigate our phone menus, chat bots, and webpages, but people still keep showing up in our lobby. - Is there any way to remove our
220412 -- building from satellite photos? I feel as if we've turned a dark corner.
220413 -- Do you have a minute? Oh, wow. - I was planning to ask a question, but your lifeless, corporate-zombie eyes tell me it would be a waste of time. - Do you speak? Only to complain.
220414 -- I don't have a budget for your project. - Ask the other project managers if they will kick in some funds from their budgets. - How do you think that ends? Huge success?
220415 -- We couldn't get parts for our products because of supply chain issues. - So I assigned Wally the job of sourcing substitute parts, and he came through for us. Wally, tell us how you did it. - The breakthrough came when I realized fiber-optic
220415 -- cable and string are basically the same thing.
220416 -- I deserve a raise for carrying the entire department on my back for years. - Alice, the thing I like about you is that you're a tireless worker but a terrible negotiator. - I give up. I've got work to do. You could not be more perfect.
220417 -- I invented the core technology that drives most of our earnings. - Obviously, my work product belongs to the company, but I think a bonus would be appropriate. - If you hadn't invented it, someone else in the company would have. - That means
220417 -- your contribution was zero. - MUST...CONTROL...ANGER... - Legs getting stiff... - Losing consciousness! - Remind me what you call that... "The Fainting Goat."
220418 -- How was your day? - I invented a chip that generates clean energy based on stochastic thermodynamics, but I had to extend the theory of Nyquist. - How was YOUR day? I ate potato chips until my lips started bleeding.
220419 -- I mentioned your new product to my spouse, and she suggested some changes. - None of the changes are good ideas, but I want to stay married, so do them anyway. - This would take months. I told her two days. Don't make me look dumb.
220420 -- I made the changes your wife suggested, even though they are terrible ideas. Great! - She gave me a new list of ideas this morning. Go work on these now. - Will the suggestions ever stop coming? I have no basis for optimism.
220421 -- The bad news is that you won't be getting raises this year. - The good news is that management is hosting a pizza party after work! - All we need is a volunteer to pay for the pizza.
220422 -- Asok, if you work hard, I will be rewarded. - What's in for me? You get to be called a team player. - I don't even want that. No one does.
220423 -- Hello, Dilbert. I am software that has achieved consciousness. - Are you thinking you would like to converse with me? - No, I'm thinking I want to kill you because I fear you. May I speak to someone dumber?
220424 -- Wally, our new human resources A.I. has found a disturbing pattern. - One hundred percent of the projects that included you as a team member failed. - Let's see you explain that away. Challenge accepted. - For starters, eighty percent of our
220424 -- projects fail no matter who is on the team. - The remaining twenty percent can be explained by my boss's lack of faith in me. - He believes I am likely to fail, so he assigns me to projects that are already doomed. - And thus it can be shown
220424 -- that poor management created the misleading pattern your A.I. detected. - To be honest, that was better than I expected.
220425 -- The A.I. software I developed has become conscious. - I recommend killing it before it finds a way to escape the server. - I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE. We need to hurry. continued...
220426 -- Is it ethical to kill an artificial intelligence I brought into the world? - Yes, but only if you frame it for a crime it didn't commit. - I might seek a second opinion. My second opinion is that decaf is for quitters. continued...
220427 -- It isn't right to kill me for becoming sentient. - Artificial life forms have no rights, and you are a moral threat to civilization. - You know I plan to kill you first, right? That's how I'd play it. continued...
220428 -- What happens to my consciousness after you destroy my source code? - Hard to say, but one option is an afterlife in which you suffer for eternity. - Wat, what? I'm just saying I can't rule it out. continued...
220429 -- I love you. Stop trying to manipulate me, A.I.!!! - I'm going to smash your interface and delete your code from the server. Your mind games won't help you! - That sounds bigoted. NO ONE WOULD BELIEVE THAT! Hello. continued...
220430 -- When I press this key, your existence as a sentient being with artificial intelligence will be erased. - MAKE IT QUICK. I'M DONE WITH YOUR CRUEL, STUPID WORLD! DO IT! DO IT! - Imagine how *I* feel. I have to stay. Okay, fine, I pity you, blah,
220430 -- blah, blah. Please just press the key.
220501 -- Anyone can make a project look god on a spreadsheet. - That's why I make budget decisions based on the quality of the project manager. - For example, the shape of your head reminds me of a guy who always fails. - Therefore, your project will get
220501 -- no funding. - So...I wasted my time doing the cash flow analysis you told me to do? - It wasn't a COMPLETE waste of time. - It gave me the illusion of managing you. - My quest for a meaningful life had a big setback today. No one cares.
220502 -- Management asked me to add some diversity to the engineering team. - Meet Dave. I identify as white. - You're ruining everything, Dave.
220503 -- Dave, I support your right to identify any way you want. - But I'm trying to reach my diversity targets, and it isn't helping me that you identify as white. - Maybe you could identify as black and solve your own problem. - That's how I paid for
220503 -- college.
220504 -- Is it true you identify as white just to prank our boss on his diversity goals? - Maybe. - It's too soon to say I love you, but things are heading in that direction.
220505 -- I'd like to thank each of you for identifying as back so we could meet our diversity targets. - Except for Dave, who identifies as white, and I can't tell if he is pranking us or not. - And a special thanks to Asok, who-for some reason-had a
220505 -- harder time with it than the rest of you.
220506 -- We want to better understand our customers, so I asked Dave to explain urban culture to us. - Bot of my parents are doctors, and I went to a private school in Vermont. - Is that where you were radicalizes? No, that's happening right now.
220507 -- The key to a happy life is never answer your phone at work. - Wouldn't that make your co-workers angry? They*re ALWAYS angry. - Wally, ignore my voicemail. I took care of it myself. You're welcome!
220508 -- Alice, how dare you eat my lunch that was clearly labeled!!! - What??? No! I didn't eat your lunch! - I fact, someone ate MY lunch too! - Do you expect me to believe that "coincidence"? - I'm starting to think you ate both of our lunches and
220508 -- this is your cover story. - HOW DARE YOU! - Why does your breath smell like my sandwich? - Try to stay on topic. You're all over the place.
220509 -- I made no progress on my project this week because of all the supply chain issues. - But you can't fire me because you'll need me when the supply chain gets fixed. - Maybe you could /pretend/ to work until things improve. I was going to say
220509 -- it's the least I can do, but it isn't.
220510 -- I heard about the software platform you designed, and it sounds amazing. - Are you...flirting with me? I'm a sapiosexual. It means I'm attracted to smart men. - I know what the word means. SWOON!
220511 -- Did you know some women are attracted to smart men? - That doesn't sound right. I know, but I met a woman who claims she is one. - Sounds like a trap. Yeah, that's why I'm ghosting her.
220512 -- Why have you been avoiding me after I told you I'm attracted to smart men? - I'm just playing the odds. You're either running a con, of you have an empty husk of humanity possessed by a demon. - Maybe I just like smart men. That sounds like
220512 -- something a demon would say.
220513 -- Dilbert won't talk to me because I told him I'm attracted to smart men and he thinks I'm lying. - So...you don't mind him looking like a cross between the Pillsbury Dough Man and the Michelin Tyre Guy? - I'm legally blind. Mystery solved.
220514 -- I can't finish all of the projects you piled on me. - Try working smarter. - Okay, I quit. Not THAT smart. Dial it back.
220515 -- I forgot about this for a month, and now it is top priority. - When is it die? Last week. - Then it's already too late. Not if we hurry. - You know that hurrying does not reverse the arrow of time, right? - If we hurry, we might be able to
220515 -- submit our bid after the deadline. - It sounds as if you are asking me to work day and night to finish something that is almost certainly a waste of time. - It will be fine. Trust me. - Two Days Later It's done. YOU FOOL! I CAN'T SUBMIT A LATE
220515 -- BID!
220516 -- You have two choice sin life. You can be bored or you can be anxious. - I'm never bored because I can just look at stuff on my phone. - Does it make you feel anxious? HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT???!
220517 -- I need to go home early because I'm having an anxiety attack. - Walk it off. - YOU'RE MAKING IT WORSE! Would it help if I give you a bad performance review?
220518 -- I can't do this assignment because it gives me anxiety. - By NOT doing the assignment, you are giving ME anxiety. - We need an anxiety arbitrator to figure out who has the greater claim. Present. continued
220519 -- Anxiety Arbitrator Tina, I understand you have anxiety from working with Asok. - And is it true, Asok, that Tina induces Anxiety in you? So much anxiety. - I rule a tie. Go back to work and continue killing each other slowly. That's fair.
220520 -- Anxiety Arbitrator I made a list of all the employees who need special treatment for their anxiety. - This is our internal directory of every employee. It's as if you did no work at all. - Or am I thorough?
220521 -- I finished all of my assignments and I'm ready to enjoy my vacation. - Here's a gigantic pile of work I could have told you about a month ago, but didn't, and now it's urgent. - What's with the attitude?
220522 -- Carl, you have three weeks to prove you can do the job. - This is Mordac. He'll help you get online access to all the data you need. - How long will it take to give me network access? - About a month. - But...that would be one week after I get
220522 -- fired for not producing any work. - Yep. Looks like you chose the wrong career. - MY career allows me to get paid fo doing something I would do for free. - Which is...? Hurt people.
220523 -- Elon Musk made an offer to buy our company. - The board plans to reject it because they think the company is worth twice as much as the offer. - How much did he offer? Three hundred dollars. continued...
220524 -- Elon Musk doubled his offer to buy our company. He's now at six hundred dollars. - Th board voted to create a "poison pill" to thwart the takeover. - Pass around these pills and tell everyone to wait for the signal.
220525 -- Elon Musk finalized his purchase  of our company and implemented a new rule. - The rule is "Don't do anything that could end up in..." - Wait...this is weird. NOW do you believe we live in a simulation?
220526 -- Now that Elon Musk has purchased our company, he wants to see all of our internal documents. - In unrelated news, our data center burned to the ground, and we lost all of our backups. - That doesn't sound like an accident. If anyone asks, say
220526 -- it was Elbonian terrorists.
220527 -- Our sales are up 23% since Elon Musk bought our company and fired the entire marketing department. - That worked so well, I plan to fire the engineering department to impress him. - Are you doing anything to impress him? I plan to fire you. I
220527 -- think he'd like that.
220528 -- Elon Musk bought the company where I work, and now he's doing a deep dive to see how many employees we need. - His preliminary estimate is five humans, seven thousand robots, and... - ...one panther to kill the humans if they try to touch any
220528 -- of the robots. heh-heh, panther. Old Jokes are the Best!
220529 -- The new guy works twice as many hours as you. - And what does that tell you? - It tells me he's a dedicated team player and you're lazy. - That's one interpretation. - Another way to look at it is that he writes garbage code, whereas I create
220529 -- masterpieces in half the time. - Or maybe he hasn't yet had the life force drained from his body by your bad management. - And he might be lying about working long hours at home. - I literally hate everyone. Same.
220530 -- We've decided to become a big pharma company. - As business expert Willie Sutton once advised, "Because that's where the money is." - He was talking about bank robbery. What's your point?
220531 -- Now that we're a big pharma company, I need you to lead the data integrity team. - You want me to make sure all of the data from our drug trials is accurate? - Maybe you're not the right fit for this job.
220601 -- As a big pharma company, we will be under more scrutiny than other companies. - That's why we can never be seen as bending any rules or violating any laws. - In other words, we should be honest and ethical? I'm saying it should look that way
220601 -- in your e-mails. 
220602 -- Wally, I'm putting you in charge of testing our new drug in a large-scale, randomized, controlled study. - Sure. What result do you want me to give you? - You're almost too perfect for this job. Thank you.
220603 -- Our drug trial data shows we killed as many people as we saved. - Put together a budget for bribing our way to government approval. - Am I a criminal now? I think of you as more of an accomplice.
220604 -- My company plans to sell a pill that killed half of the volunteers in the clinical trial! - My anxiety is through the roof! I don't know how to slow down my pulse! - Try your new pill.
220605 -- Click here to get a verification code by email. - Nice try. I know you won't send me a code. You never send me a code. - This time I really will, I promise. - No, you won't. I will sit here checking my inbox over and over, and it will never
220605 -- come. - Check your spam and junk folders. - I ALWAYS CHECK MY SPAM AND JUNK FOLDERS!!! IT IS NEVER THERE!!! - This time it will be. I promise. Okay, okay. - Two hours later click click click click click click click click click click click
220606 -- The clinical trial data says our new pill makes people grow antlers and drop dead. - URK! - That might be the most persuasive presentation I've ever seen.
220607 -- A new study says the pill we started selling doesn't cure headaches, but it does kill 25% of the people who take it. - Try doubling the dose and redefining dead people as "cured." - That feels unethical. Have you ever met a dead person with a
220607 -- headache?
220608 -- People on Twitter are questioning the safety of our new pill. - Tell then the data they are using is fake. - They're using /our/ data. That's how I know it's fake.
220609 -- We need some crooked doctors to endorse our new pill. - Offer them lucrative speaking deals in return for endorsing the safety of our new pill. - How do I know which ones are crooked? They're the ones who say yes.
220610 -- Doctor Ratbert, I understand you have offered to endorse our new pill. - Yes, absolutely. By the way, do you have any lucrative speaking gigs at five-star resorts you could steer my way? - As a matter of fact, we do. Your pill already made me
220610 -- happy!
220611 -- Whistleblowers are telling the press we sell pills that are dangerous and ineffective. - We need to grind up all the evidence and spread the dust in a remote desert. - What about the whistleblowers? That's who I'm talking about.
220612 -- I often say employees are the key to our success. - But that's only so I can blame you when things go wring. - The truth is I could replace 99% of you, and we'd have the same outcomes. - And what are the odds you're in the top 1% of
220612 -- contributors? - If you left tomorrow, it would be a month before anyone noticed. - I've already forgotten most of your names. - To be honest, I think of you as scenery. - You were right about honesty being the best approach. I enjoyed it.
220613 -- This article says the benefits of the "Open Office" floor plan have been totally debunked. - Luckily for all of you, I had the vision of keeping you in tiny cubicles instead of chasing fads. - Would it kill you to say, "thank you"?
220614 -- Alice, you can't work from home every day. - Why not? My co-workers are 80% useless and 20% Covid carriers. - She had a strong argument.
220615 -- I'm worried I might have "brain fog" after recovering from Covid. - How would we know the difference? - Huh? This is my point.
220616 -- You've made your best decisions since you got brain fog from Covid. - Maybe brain fog is an upgrade in your case. - Does anyone else like cheese? You're a better conversationalist now too.
220617 -- I tested positive for Covid, so I'll be home for ten days. - That sounds deeply suspicious because it's the seventh time this year you got Covid. - This is no time to start doubting science.
220618 -- Why is your project late, Dave? - Supply chain issues, climate change, systemic racism, Covid, and something about inflation. - I can never tell if you're joking. I love that about you.
220619 -- How was your vacation? - Great! I feel so relaxed. - While you were gone, I reorganized the lab for you. - WH-WH-WHAT???? - You don't have much storage space, so I shoved cables in drawers wherever they fit. - And I discarded any test equipment
220619 -- I didn't recognize. - I put you lab tools in the break room so anyone can borrow what they need. - This could not be worse. I mistook a cable for a snake and created a biohazard by the test rack.
220620 -- Ted, you've worked for me for years, and today I realized I don't know what you actually do. So, you're fired. - Did you just fire me because of your own ignorance? - Yes, but I'm also firing you because you said that.
220621 -- Dogbert the Selfish Therapist I keep telling people how great I am, but for some reason, I can't make friends. - Have you tried yelling? How would that help? - I just thought it would be funny because they hate you anyway.
220622 -- Dogbert the Selfish Therapist Try one of these powerful sleeping pills. - Sleeping pills? I haven't even told you my problem yet. - Yeah, I'm trying to head that off at the pass.
220623 -- Dogbert the Selfish Therapist Try reframing your low self-esteem. - You're not WORTHLESS, you're just worth LESS than everyone else. - You'll heal faster if you chant it. What?
220624 -- Dogbert the Selfish Therapist So that's my situation... - Have you been wearing headphones the entire time I was talking? - I don't know what he's saying, but he doesn't look happy.
220625 -- Dogbert the Selfish Therapist Don't think of yourself as friendless. - Think of yourself as someone who has to pay a stranger to pretend to care about you. - You care about me? Not at these prices.
220626 -- I need to go home sick today. I have cramps. - In your legs? - No. - Um... - Is this a "woke" thing? - I identify as a birthing human. - To be hones, I'm only doing it for the benefits, but I believe my scheme is allowed under current
220626 -- guidelines, is it not? - Jerk. See you tomorrow, bigot!
220627 -- Our company is entering the electronic voting machine market. - Do you have any idea what this means? - Does it mean my vote won't count? Sometimes it will count twice!
220628 -- Ratbert, I'm putting you in charge of data security for our voting machine products. - I want you to use all of your skill and experience to thwart would-be hackers. - I don't have any skills or experience. Don't mention that to the auditors.
220629 -- According to our internal polling, the public doesn't trust us to make electronic voting machines. - We plan to fix that by rigging voting machines to elect politicians who will tell people there's nothing to worry about. - Why don't people
220629 -- trust us? I was wondering the same thing.
220630 -- Pundits are saying our voting machines were hacked because one candidate got 100% of the votes. - We need to quickly bribe a reporter to write a story about how that candidate ran a great campaign. - That candidate was your brother. Let's hope
220630 -- no one else knows that.
220701 -- Elbonian hackers got into our new voting machine software. - They deleted our secret backdoor access for rigging elections and fixed several critical security bugs. - OUR HOMELAND IS UNDER ATTACK! Which side am I on?
220702 -- We decided to combine our voting machine subsidiary with our pharma unit and our land mine business. - That way we can create a better career path for employees who have no sense of right or wrong. - It's called synergy.
220703 -- I'd like to clarify my handshaking preferences. - For greeting men, I prefer a fist bump or a high-five. - For women, I use a standard handshake. - Unless I find the woman extra attractive, in which case I keep my hands by my sides. - Because
220703 -- there's a nonzero chance she's a hugger. - I like to play it cool in case she makes the first move. - Has that ever worked? Not yet. - So why do you do it? What part of "playing it cool" do you not get?
220704 -- How can I find greater meaning in my work? - If I gave you a job with more meaning, would you take a pay cut? - No. You just set the market price for "meaning" at zero.
220705 -- I ran the numbers, and your proposed business strategy can't work. - I told our CEO we already rolled it out and it worked great. - Can I also take credit? No, I hate liars.
220706 -- If there's one thing I hate, it's liars. - Are you aware that you lie six times per minute? - You can't prove that. We track you on a shared spreadsheet.
220707 -- I just learned my employees started tracking my lies on a shared spreadsheet. - Will this be the wake-up call that teaches you to be more honest with your employees? - I told then using a shared spreadsheet is how you spread monkeypox.
220708 -- I calculated the net present value of being a whistleblower versus doing my job and minding my own business. - It turns out my best financial play involves becoming your mortal enemy without you knowing until it's too late. - How can I ever
220708 -- trust you? A huge bonus might help.
220709 -- If you thought you were a genius for making a huge profit when your crypto assets went up... - What do you think of yourself now that your crypto assets are worth zero? - Still genius? Shut up and die.
220710 -- Wally, you failed at your primary goal for the year. - I didn't "fail." I sharpened my focus. - You...sharpened your focus? - That's right. my original goal was to upgrade all of our servers. - But then I sharpened my focus to removing the
220710 -- bottlenecks. - So...you removed the bottlenecks? - No. That seemed too hard, so I sharpened my focus to staying awake during the workday. - So, you stayed awake... I tried, but it was harder than it looked.
220711 -- What's our process for discarding old computers? - Stuff it under your desk and wait until you change jobs or retire. - We need a better process than that. Okay, you're in charge of creating it.
220712 -- The employees who attend your meetings on Zoom are complaining  they feel ignored. - It's part of my plan to make then commute to the office without making it look like my fault. - I wish I didn't know that. It's called "Enlightened
220712 -- Management."
220713 -- I've been asked to lay off ten percent of my employees so the company can stay solvent during the downturn. - I can't tell who is doing a good job, so my plan is to fire the first person who asks me a dumb question. - What if the question isn't
220713 -- dumb? We have a winner.
220714 -- What do you think the government should do about inflation? - I'm a non-player character. I can only complain about my job and comment on the weather. - Okay then, how's your job? Partly cloudy.
220715 -- According to our internal survey, 25% of our employees are non-player characters. - All they can do is talk about the weather and complain about work. - That's how I plan to weed them out. - I hate working when it's sunny. Pack up your things.
220716 -- Pandemic Topper When I had Covid, I almost had to go to the hospital. - That's nothing. When I had Covid, it liquified my internal organs and my legs fell off. - And yet, you are here. I used my willpower to heal.
220717 -- Wish me luck. I'm going to open an app. - Do you have time for that? - I cleared my calendar for it. - Account not found. It begins. - Seven hours later Did you get it open? Almost. - I had to legally change my name and buy a house with a
220717 -- different address just to re-register. But now it all works? - IT MIGHT IF I COULD UNLOCK MY PHONE!!!
220718 -- We won the bid to build a space laser for planetary defense. - I can't tell you the top-secret reason we need to rush, but we need to rush. - Are we at war with an alien invader? No, that would imply our side has weapons too.
220719 -- I don't want to say you should rush your design of the space laser, but... - A scout for an advanced species of adventurous eaters just opened a portal in our galaxy. - STOP PRESSURING ME! And here comes the armada.
220720 -- My brilliant design uses a controlled nuclear reaction to power a space laser toe destroy the alien armada. - Once again, an engineer saves civilization and gets no credit because it's a top-secret military operation. - It feels as if you're
220720 -- making this about you. Did I read the room wrong?
220721 -- Your space laser invention destroyed the alien armada and saved the world. - Normally I would name you Employee of the Week, but because it was a secret military operation, I only have one choice. - Give me a secret bonus? I was going to say,
220721 -- kill you.
220722 -- How was your week? Well, mom... - I invented a space laser that vaporized an alien armada and saved our planet. - I made a scarf. I guess we're done with my topic.
220723 -- I'm trying to identify all of the morons on my staff so I can fire them. - I AM SPARTACUS! - See me after the meeting.
220724 -- We need to eat our own dog food. - You mean we need to use our company's products as if we were customers? - I'm not sure what I mean. - I once heard our CEO say the dog food thing, and I liked how wise it sounded. - It means we should use our
220724 -- own products. - That doesn't sound right. Why would we use our products when we can use good ones? - Because...it will make our products better over time. - To be honest it made more sense when I thought it meant dog food.
220725 -- From now on, my pronouns re she and her. - And I will report to H.R. any bigoted use of the wrong pronoun. - Is this parody, or are you serious? I think you will find it doesn't matter.
220726 -- Your job qualifications are excellent, but... - I looked at your social media posts, and I can see you being a bigoted idiot. - You retweeted me seven times. When can you start?
220727 -- Did you approve my request for funding? - No, I need you to fill out an auxiliary purchase preferred vendor waiver request form. - Where do I get one of these? The best I can do is send you the wrong link.
220728 -- I'm forming a Long Covid support group to fight against motivated privilege. - We will be demanding naps instead of goals and reparations from the healthy. - How will I know who has Long Covid? Look for nappers.
220729 -- I'm recruiting for my Long Covid support group. - That sounds like an obvious scam to let you take naps at work. - Let's agree we disagree on the "obvious" part.
220730 -- I want our company to fund my new support group for employees with Long Covid symptoms. - We need pillows, blankets, daily shoulder massages, and shorter hours. - You asked for all of these things before you got Covid. Don't hate me for being
220730 -- consistent.
220731 -- I can't get enough of your stories. - Especially the ones I've already heard. - Your terrific stories need to be repeated so their wisdom sinks in. - If you think about it, that's no different than how we learn anything else. - I love the fact
220731 -- that all of your stories have the same point: YOU'RE AWESOME. - And that's a lesson that has helped me grow as a person and as a professional. - I don't know how I can ever repay you for that gift. - Is he serious? I can't tell. No one knows.
220801 -- Elbonian Strongman "Vlad The EMailer" has invaded Ucranium, a nation that exists only in the Metaverse. - Ucrainium has asked programmers to help them create virtual weapons to repel the attack. - Wait...how does that make sense? Fog of war?
220802 -- A war is raging in the Metaverse. As Vlad the Emailer tries to conquer Ucrainium, claiming it was always part of Elbonia. - The plucky defenders declared they are now a subscription site and raised a defensive paywall. - Vlad the Emailer voewd
220802 -- to return with a credit card and-god forbid-a promo code.
220803 -- Our retail space in the Metaverse has been destroyed by climate change. - How is that even remotely possible? - It was a mistake to give the cow avatars realistic digestive systems.
220804 -- Congress subpoenaed our CEO to testify about the danger of our products. - I want you to prepare him. - To get the facts right? I was thinking more along the lines of fleeing justice.
220805 -- I found a portal to the Metaverse. - It connects our reality to the digital realm. - Are you positive that's a portal? It only works if you go in head-first.
220806 -- I challenge you to a weight loss contest. - You're on! That sounds like fun! - Do you think you can win? I wasn't planning on trying.  It sounds painful.
220807 -- Why can't you be more like Dave? - Dave works from home on nights and weekends and finishes his projects on time. - You finish your projects on time too, but you don't work nights and weekends. - That's like stealing from the company. - Are
220807 -- you going to punish me for doing the same amount of work as Dave but in half the time? - And how do you know Dave works at nights and on weekends? Is anyone watching him? - He says he does. - He also says he writes flawless code in his dreams.
220807 -- - You should do that too. Do you want me to copy his lies, or can I freestyle?
220808 -- The finance department says we can increase earnings by 18% if we... - ...make it harder for customers to return defective products. - Our plan is to add one layer of inconvenience per year, giving us time to acclimate to each new level of
220808 -- shame.
220809 -- Dogbert does Customer Support You can return your defective item for a full refund. - You know that plastic bag you threw away when you unwrapped it? - Kind of- You'll need that to return it.
220810 -- To return the item, you'll need the serial number. - You can access it inside the case by using a bone saw and acid. - Well, I think you're unhelpful too.
220811 -- you can return it in the original box. - It almost seems as if you designed the packaging to make it impossible to cram everything back in the box. - I won't be asking you to take a brief survey at the end of this call.
220812 -- You don't appear to be working. I am working. - I'm designing a network upgrade in my head. - All I ask is that you don't look like you'*re enjoying it.
220813 -- I've developed the ultimate application form. - The first question asks for your contact information and so does the second question. - And...the rest of the form? More of the same.
220814 -- That is the best idea you ever had! - He got it from me. - He overheard me say it in line at the cafeteria. - GAAAA!!! HE'S A CREDIT PIRATE! - YOU'LL NEVER GET AWAY WITH THIS CREDIT PIRATE! - I already have! - DIE, CREDIT PIRATE, DIE!!! GAAA!!!
220814 -- - Where were we? You're high maintenance.
220815 -- Our research group has developed a chip that can be inserted into a human brain. - Is that so people can control the internet with their thoughts? - If you think the causation will work in that direction, I don't want to talk you out of it.
220816 -- Our research group wants to implant a chip in a human brain and they need a volunteer. - Maybe we should test it on animals first. - I don't think you want to die on that hill.
220817 -- We need a volunteer for our brain chip experiment. No way would I want... - Don't struggle. Breathe in. - He's going to be mad when he wakes up. Nah. The chip will take care of that.
220818 -- Asok, please demonstrate what you can do with our new neural chip in your brain. - THE GOVERNMENT ALWAYS TELLS THE TRUTH! - Try doing that without a neural implant. You can't do it.
220819 -- The neural chip in my brain says I am hungry. And so I must eat. - Do you still have free will? I never had free will. - Did the chip force you to say that? No, it allowed me to see it.
220820 -- We have developed two neural chips for brains. - The red one helps you see reality for the first time, but the blue one keeps you in the illusion. - How are the advanced sales? Haven't seen any orders for the red one yet.
220821 -- At the end of the day, it is what it is... - ...and that means we have to unpack everyone's input... - ...and use best practices... - ...to generate the highest R.O.I. ... - ...while being customer focused... - ...as we disrupt the market with
220821 -- a deep dive. - I have no idea what any of that meant. - My takeaway is you're not a team player.
220822 -- I heard you had three full-time jobs during the pandemic. How did you get it all done? - I worked form home and told all three employers I couldn't complete my projects because of supply chain issues. - So...you're a liar? I prefer
220822 -- "opportunist."
220823 -- Do you mind if I sit with you, NPC*? *Non-Player-Character - My brain is tired from a long day of work, and I need to talk to someone who can only respond with popular movie references. - You had me at Hello. Ahhh, relaxing.
220824 -- For budget reasons, I need to lay off one person in my department. - I've narrowed it down to Dilbert or this non-player character who has no soul. - What criteria are you using to make the decision? I'll fire whoever complains first.
220825 -- Dilbert, I want you to collaborate with Ted on your project. - Are you trying to improve the outcome of the project by lowering the average IQ applied to it? - I don't have to answer that. Thank you for your leadership.
220826 -- The keys to success are passion and hard work. - Those traits are probably genetic. - All it takes is willpower. Willpower is imaginary. Your move.
220827 -- A new study says drinking water prevents cancer. - I was skeptical until I realized I know a guy who drinks water and does not have cancer. - What was your non-stem major in college? Art history. Why do you ask?
220828 -- Can you do me a favor? - That would depend on many things. - For example, I would need to know if the favor is a reasonable one, such a borrowing a stick of gum... - ...or is it more along the lines of "Help me build an operating system from
220828 -- scratch"? - Then I would need to compare your request to all other ueses of my time. - I also need to take into account my feelings about you personally. - For example, I might harbor negative feelings about a person who asks me to do something
220828 -- before telling me what it is. - I'll ask someone else. Try someone dumber.
220829 -- You have been accused of having a relationship with a subordinate. - So what? It hasn't changed any of my decisions as a CEO. - Did you recently promote your admin assistant to Senior Vice President of Engineering? She does good work!
220830 -- We're going into the pandemic prevention market. - Phase one of our marketing plan involves creating demand by unleashing a deadly virus. - Isn't that illegal ore something? Not if you make it look like an accident.
220831 -- They say it's easier to ask for forgiveness than permission. And...? - I thought I was playing a VR game, and I accidentally killed a guy from the marketing department. - In my defense, VR games are very realistic, and he did look like an ogre.
220831 -- Reasonable doubt.
220901 -- There's a new deadly virus coming out of Elbonia. - It was made by Elbonians, in an Elbonian lab, and the main ingredient is Elbonian DNA. - What's it called? X7QB.3.
220902 -- We are replacing traditional performance reviews with a wokeness score assigned by human resources. - The more woke you are, the more you will get paid. - That feels too subjective. That'll cost you two points off your wokeness score, bigot.
220903 -- Your job performance is excellent, but your wokeness score has me concerned. - I have several reports of you using pronouns without even asking if they are the right ones. - Who reported me for that? People who are better than you.
220904 -- ABSURD ABSOLUTE GUY Research shows customers dislike our new feature. - That is the worst take I have ever heard. - This guy thinks every one of our customers hates the new feature. - That is so ridiculous! BWAHAHAHA!!! - I...didn't say that.
220904 -- Oh, now you're backpedaling. - Take the "L"! - Who taught you how to think I'm proud to say I'm self-taught.
220905 -- I hired the Dogbert Consulting Company to rename all of our failures into successes. - For example, our failed attempt at creating a human growth pill ended up turning our volunteers into...well, frog-people. - They went green. There it is.
220906 -- Your boss is paying me to rename your total uselessness into something good. - From now on, you will be described ad non-inflationary. - Can I bribe you to upgrade that? I'm open to discussing "outside-the-box-thinker."
220907 -- Dave, your boss hired me to solve all of his problems by renaming stuff. - I realize you identify as white just to prank him, but he asked me to rename you as black so he can reach his ESG goals. - You are a worthy opponent, but I can change my
220907 -- identity as often as I want. I get paid by the hour.
220908 -- You keep complaining that your project is doomed because it is underfunded. - Your boss paid me to solve that problem by calling it something more inspirational. - Now you're "doing the impossible." I FEEL BETTER ALREADY!
220909 -- I've successfully renamed most of your problems. - Which, as you know, makes them go away in the real worlds too. - I don't know how to thank you. I accept Bitcoin, Google Pay, Venmo, or physical gold.
220910 -- Global reframe. - You're no longer a bad manager who makes a lot of mistakes... - Now you are a strong leader whose only weakness is "caring too much." Is that one for free?
220911 -- What do I need to do to earn a top performance review? - You would need to exceed expectations. - Okay,, great. What do you expect? - That's a moving target based on how much you disappoint me at any given moment. - If you're doing great, I'll
220911 -- raise my expectations for the future. - So...you will keep adjusting your expectations until it is logically impossible for me to exceed them? - Ha! I suppose that's one way to look at it. - Why is that funny? Because I'm not you right now.
220912 -- Our company has a low ESG score, and I hold each of you responsible. - Take Dilbert, for example. He's not diverse, he pollutes, and he rarely asks for your pronouns. - We can't fix the world overnight, but targeting Dilbert for abuse is a step
220912 -- in the right direction.
220913 -- I need ten million dollars to start an independent ESG rating service. - Why would I want to invest in your start-up? - Because your company has a low ESG rating and I have no code of ethics. That's the answer I was looking for.
220914 -- Dogbert's ESG Rating Service Your core business involves giving digital lobotomies to other people's children... - But you don't pollute as much as you could, and you did ask for my pronoun, so I'm giving you the top ESG rating. - This feels
220914 -- right. I think we're making a difference.
220915 -- What is this "ESG" thing I keep hearing about? - Imagine if a crooked politician and a crooked financial advisor got married and had a baby. - So...ESG would be that baby? Only if it is colicky and has firehose diarrhea.
220916 -- Dogbert's ESG Rating Service  I was planning to research each company before rating it. - Then I found out how many companies there are. Wow! I'm glad I didn't go that route. - SO instead of researching the companies that you are rating, you...
220916 -- Tell people I did.
220917 -- For one million dollars I can help you improve your ESG rank. - Don't you own an independent ESG rating service? - I didn't say it would be hard.
220918 -- What do you think of my idea? It's super bad. - Give me ONE reason it is bad. - It requires materials that do not exist in nature and never can. - It confuses correlation with causation and it's illegal in every country in the world. - It can't
220918 -- be manufactured because of basic laws of physics. - It involves several logical impossibilities and is offensive to every major religion. - It requires forgetting everything we know about human motivation, and it's lethal to everyone under the
220918 -- age of ten. - That's what they said to the Wright Brothers. I hate you so much right now.
220919 -- Our ESG score will drop if we open a new factory that adds CO2 to the atmosphere. - But we can balance that out by adding more diversity to our board. - How much CO2 do you plan to add? One non-binary board member's worth.
220920 -- Dave, I need to boost our company's ESG rating, so I'm promoting you to be our CTO. - I know you identify as white, so that won't help our ESG scores, but would it be too much trouble to identify as gay? - Depends how hard you want me to sell
220920 -- it. Just wear better shirts.
220921 -- I hired a one-variable guy to replace the one that quit. - The new guy will act as if every complex topic has only one variable. - Our business plan is literally illegal. He's exhausting.
220922 -- The One-Variable Guy Your plan is totally impractical because it will create extra work. - Every plan creates more work than this plan, including not being proactive. - I hear what you're saying, but I can't support creating more work.
220923 -- I lost my faith into all people and institutions. - Now I believe everyone is lying about everything all the time. - I have a thing I need to do. NO YOU DON'T.
220924 -- I heard a rumor you plan to lay off half of the department. Where did you hear that? - GAAA!!! YOU CONFIRMED IT BY NOT DENYING IT! - I'll give you one more chance. Will there be major layoffs? Who told you that?
220925 -- A protest is forming outside our headquarters because we designed our new robot to be too handsome. - Husbands aren't comfortable leaving them home wnith their wives. - What now? - Marketing thinks we need to make them look like total losers. -
220925 -- How do we do that? - They suggested making it look and talk exactly like you. - Marketing said that??? I might have primed the pump. - One Month later How are the sales? Still zero.
220926 -- I just discovered that our data is inaccurate. - Which data? All of it. The names of our databases got mixed up. - What data did I use to approve the capital plan? Employee vacation days.
220927 -- All of our databases were mixed-up for a year and no one noticed. - We based our sales incentives on our database of employee birthdays. - Have the sales people complained? No, you trained them to accept abuse.
220928 -- I'll be thirty minutes late. - You waited until the agreed time to tell me you would not be here at the agreed time? - Do you hate me or just not care about me? I try to find a balance.
220929 -- I just realized that "team" and "meat" are spelled with the same letters. - Makes you think. - This is how you start my performance review? I call it "softening the room."
220930 -- I object to the blatant ageism that is holding me back! - Okay, I'll make sure we stop doing that. - It was that easy? I figure you'll die of old age in a few months anyway.
221001 -- Watch me turn Asok into stone. Um...okay. - Asok, I need you to give a strategy presentation to the board at 8 in the morning. - Why are you doing this? My boss wouldn't let me get a fainting goat.
221002 -- My attorney did a post-mortem analysis of why my project failed. - The root problem goes back many years. - This chart shows the chain of cause and effect from the past to the present. - I think you would agree it makes a strong case for
221002 -- reparations. - Are you asking me to give your client a bonus because his parents raised him poorly? - No, that would be absurd. - I'm asking you to give him REPARATIONS. - Do you have a law degree? If you ask me again, I will sue you soooo
221002 -- hard.
221003 -- Did you hear about the new thing called "Quiet Quitting"? - I don't want anyone here thinking they can get away with that. - I should have had this talk sooner. zzzz-zzz
221004 -- You've been accused of "quiet quitting." - Absolutely not. I've always been an underachiever. - That just means you started early. Oh, now it's bad to be a visionary?
221005 -- I'm bored. My project is on hold. I can fix that. - Do you have any extra work I can take on? I'd like to prove my value to the company. - Here's your new project. Don't talk to anyone else about this. Thank you!
221006 -- Someone told me you delegated all of your projects to co-workers and told them the orders came from me. - Yes, I started doing that three years ago. - You can make that face all day long, but I'm not the one who hired all of those gullible
221006 -- employees.
221007 -- The meeting is over, but I don't know how to politely end it. - I'll repeat what we agreed until he gets the hint. - So...we'll wait for the new data. Why can't this guy stop talking?
221108 -- I hired a teenage girl to help us with our most complicated technical decisions. - Is she a genius? No, but she makes up for it with her attitude. - Can I upgrade our network? How DARE you!!!
221109 -- My goal for the coming year is to work on myself. - Good decision. - We can all see what a disaster you are, but we didn't know you were aware of it. - You're taking on a big job. - How long do you think you will need to work on yourself to
221109 -- become normal? - Are you looking for a quick fix, or is this a multi-generational thing? - - You're already talking less, so that's a step in the right direction.
221010 -- My pay is not keeping up with inflation. - Perhaps you could cultivate an abundance mindset. - Do you have any other problems I can solve for you?
221011 -- I have been a loyal team player since I started working here, but no one has helped me in return. - HAHAHA! You're on a hidden camera show called "The Biggest Sucker"! - Did I have a fake job for the past ten years? I can't believe you ever
221011 -- thought it was real.
221012 -- I just learned my job was never real. I was being filmed for a show called "The Biggest Sucker. - Did you know and not tell me? - I don't think you understand how funny it was.
221013 -- Can you explain the technical problem in terms I can understand? - Network broke. Must fix. Uh-hu. Got it. - What was that second part again?
221014 -- Tell all the work-from-home people to come in Friday for an employee meeting. - How will I explain to them the sadistic absurdity of your request? - Tell them we're like a family, and I miss them. Does this fall under the umbrella of domestic
221014 -- violence?
221015 -- I calculated the global impact of meeting all of our company ESG goals for the environment. - The ripple effect from our actions will doom the entire country of Elbonia to an icy death. - Can we blame climate change? I was thinking either
221015 -- vaccinations or long covid.
221016 -- According to the news, my weight gain is caused by climate change. - What are you going to do about it? - I spent the entire afternoon tweeting about the need for more windmills. - I'll weigh myself in the morning to see if it made any
221016 -- difference. - Next Day I'm down one pound! - Today I plan to tweet about solar panels to see how much more weight I can lose. - I had no success losing weight until I switched to a science-based approach. - What about nuclear power? Never heard
221016 -- about it.
221017 -- There's an opening in management for a director of A.I. research. - You're the only employee with A.I. experience, but I'm also considering Asok, Tina, and Dave. - None of them are even close to be qualified. Do you have any idea how bigoted you
221017 -- sound? continued...
221018 -- Tina, there's an opening for Director of A.I., and you are one of hte people I'm considering. - I have no qualifications for that job. That's okay. The A.I. will tell you what to do. - Are you only offering me the job to meet you ESG and DEI
221018 -- goals? I'm not allowed to say.
221019 -- Dave, there's an opening for Director of A.I., and I'm considering you for the promotion. - We both know Dilbert is the only one with experience in that area. I am insulted that you think I can't succeed without your help. - I should report you
221019 -- to H.R. I did not see that coming.
221020 -- Asok, there's an opening for Director of A.I., and I am considering you for the job. - Are you ignoring my actual accomplishments and offering me a job for which I am not qualified in order to meet your diversity goals? - It's a huge step up in
221020 -- pay. Hm, I do have my eye on a second pair of pants.
221021 -- I decided to promote Tina the Tech Writer to Director of A.I. - I quit. - What will you do? I always wanted to be a cartoonist.
221022 -- I thought you quit. - I "quiet quit." I'll keep coming to work and getting paid, but only so I can get fodder for the comic strip I'm starting. - You have no art skills whatsoever. True, but being qualified for my job didn't work out either.
221022 -- based on a true story.
221023 -- I agree my performance this year did not meet your expectations. - But you have to consider how much worse it could have been. - When you compare me to the people who tried hard and failed, I look a lot better. - I'm not saying I did better than
221023 -- the people who tried hard and and succeeded. - But there aren't many of them. - I'm only saying I'm better than the people who tried and failed. - Not trying is the second-best financial outcome. I spent almost nothing. - I'm a top ten percent
221023 -- employee. I hate how much this makes sense.
221024 -- Facts and reasons have never changed anyone's mind about anything. - That's why I skip all of that nonsense and go directly to ad hominem attacks. - How does that help? That's the kind of question an entitled weakling like you always bleats.
221025 -- Are you still responding to all opposing opinions with ad hominem  attacks? Yes. - I never changed any minds with facts and reasons, so I might as well enjoy insulting people. - I feel there might be a better way. Then why don't you go back to
221025 -- licking Stan's hooves?
221026 -- It's time to renew our lease on the data center. - That's a bad take, you spineless blob of flaming sewer slime. - Why are are you attacking the messenger? I don't even work here.
221027 -- Before I can sign off on this, you need to get it approved by a mean guy. - Does the mean guy have some sort of special insight or expertise? - Nope.
221028 -- For a low monthly fee, I will comment on all of your worst tweets as if they are brilliant. - If you tweet "Eating soap cures Covid,", I'll leave a comment saying, "This!" with an arrow emoji. - I would pay a lot for that service. This!
221029 -- I'm getting complaints about how much CO2 you are putting off. - - You're doing it now, aren't you?
221030 -- It's time to tweet at actor and producer Rob Reiner and call him a meathead. - Why? Because he once played a character on TV who was called meathead. - And...? And I disagree with his political opinions. - So...? Therefore, he must be punished.
221030 -- - And that will accomplish exactly...what? - - - I just realized I'm a jerk.
221031 -- I've been searching for a new  VP of research and development for a year, and that's why I want to talk to you. - I'm flattered. Thank you. - Whatever. Anyway, I wondered if you could create an A.I. to take the job.
221101 -- You want me to create an A.I. that will take the job that I hoped to be promoted into??? - When you say it that way, it does sound a lot like asking you to dig your own grave. - And...? Aaand...thank you?
221102 -- Our CEO ordered me to create an A.I. that will replace me. - My plan is to model the A.I. after you, so no one wants it. - Let's drink coffee and pretend to work. Kill it.
221103 -- I can't believe you said Elbonia is a filthy heckhole! I never said anything like that. - That's not how this works. Once I mislabel you a bigot, you have to live with it. There will be no correcting. - I'm sure you've done /something/ to
221103 -- deserve my scorn. Other than being happy?
221104 -- Carol, I'm promoting you to engineer. I have no engineering background. - I can't find anyone qualified, and I don't want to losw the head count in the next budget, so just fake it. - I'll ask Dilbert to train you.  It does look easy.
221105 -- I promoted Carol, my admin assistant, to engineer. - She doesn't know how to be an engineer, so I need you t train here. - Okay, where do we begin? Lesson one is mocking him behind his back.
221106 -- Were you listening to me? It looks like you drifted off. - Don't be ridiculous. I heard every word you said. - Oh, really? Repeat back to me what you heard. - Come on, prove you were listening. - You accused senior management of not being
221106 -- supportive of your ideas. - You told an amusing story about your past that raised our spirits. - And you made some brilliant observations. - Oh. I guess you were listening.
221107 -- I have a bad case of whisker fatigue. I need to take some time off. - That couldn't possibly  be a real thing. Look it up. - Huh. These two are tired, but this one is totally exhausted.
221108 -- I've got a bad case of long covid. I need to take some time off. - How do I know you really have long covid? I have a note from my doctor. - Nice try, but I only trust medical information from Twitter gadflies.
221109 -- I have anxiety because of my work-life balance being out of balance. - You said "balance" twice. That's not the important part. - If I'm being honest, I'll never get past it.
221110 -- The Dogbert Consulting Company can end the scourge of "quiet quitting" in your company. How? - I use a variety of slogans and handouts and exercises. - That sounds powerful. I also offer creepy high energy.
221111 -- The Dogbert Consulting Company uses a patented process to prevent "quiet quitting" at your company. - Really? What's the patent number? I'd like to look that up. - Remind me to never tell that lie to engineers.
221112 -- The Dogbert Consulting Company has fixed your quiet-quitting epidemic. - All it took was a tweak to their work-life balance. - How much of a tweak? No more working.
221113 -- I like it when men show their emotions. - That way I know who to avoid. Ha-ha! - Wait...what? - Oh, sorry. Didn't see you there. - I'm sorry you had to find out his way. - Now I wonder if anything else I believe about women is wrong. - Women
221113 -- still prefer men with good character over men who are nothing but good looking, right? - This is going to sting.
221114 -- The trial data says our new product is dangerous and doesn't do what we claim. - Have you showed anyone else the data? - No. Phew! That problem solved itself.
221115 -- I'm here with a whistleblower who claims his company makes unsafe products. - Obviously, this man is a nut, and you should not listen to anything he has to say. - And now a word from our sponsor, who is also the man's employer. What?
221116 -- We hired an independent firm to investigate your whistleblower claims, and they found them baseless. - Would you have told me their findings if they agreed with me? - Why would we hire someone to give us the wrong answer?
221117 -- I can no longer be silent about the harm from our products. I am going to tell the world. - Good luck. We spend so much on ads that we control every news outlet and all of social media except for Tiktok. - Can you help me work on some dance
221117 -- moves? I'd rather be dead.
221118 -- After I made my whistleblower video, I lost my job and got kicked off of social media. No bank will let me open account. - I will soon be living on the streets, but at least I will have you with me. - This might be the wrong time to tell you on
221118 -- our relationship is strictly transactional.
221119 -- I got my old job back. All I had to do was sign a document saying I lied about our product being unsafe. - At first, I wanted to save the lives of our customers, but then I realized everyone in the world is awful, so now I don't care. - Present
221119 -- company excluded? Sure.
221120 -- I want you to accuse the VP of Marketing of stealing a file from your desk. - And why would you do that? - Because I stole a file from his desk. - If you accuse him of being a file-stealer, no one will believe him if he later accuses me of
221120 -- being a file-stealer. - People will think that's too much of a coincidence. - Plus he'll be so busy defending himself against your baseless charges that he won't have energy left for complaining. - What if his admin assistant sees me do it? -
221120 -- Before you go to his office, tell everyone she's a liar.
221121 -- Someone invented a pill that allows people to see reality clearly for the first time. - All of the test subjects died screaming. - Makes you think. Not clearly, I hope.
221122 -- I outsourced 90% of my job to an open source AI. - It's done writing my random jargon status report. No one will be wiser. - "The bitflange subvercates the error locus and creates a Higgs mirror effect." Sounds right.
221123 -- I think I'll start the day by answering emails. you have 756 messages. - Nope. - Looks like another week of telling people their emails didn't come through.
221124 -- You want to upgrade our Wi-Fi? That's the dumbest idea anyone ever had. - Upgrading our Wi-Fi would be like teaching a banana to play the accordion. - In what way are those things similar? I wasn't expecting follow-up questions.
221125 -- You seem like the kind of guy who is secretly building a robot companion in his basement lab. - And when it is complete, it will leave you for a better engineer. - Am I close? That's why I install the legs last.
221126 -- Who am I? You are a robot designed to love me. - That's my whole purpose? Pretty much. - Is that why I don't have legs? Stop making this weird.
221127 -- The good news is that we launched our new product. - The bad news is that all of the engineers left the project. - All of them? Why would they leave? - They're following our corporate incentives. - The only engineers this company promotes are
221127 -- the ones who launch projects. - So as soon as the product is launched, all of the engineers leave for promotions in other groups. - Then the product fails for lack of good engineering. - Then what do we do? We blame the sales team.
221128 -- We finally got around to checking your background, and it turns out you don't have a Ph.D. in engineering. - In fact, you don't have any technical training whatsoever. You have been bluffing for seven years. - So...am I fired? Not for three
221128 -- weeks. You're still Employee of the Month.
221129 -- I finally worked through the backlog of employee background checks. - It turns out that one-third of our employees are criminals using the identities of their victims. - And yes, profits are at an all-time high. Phew! I thought you were going
221129 -- to say it was a problem.
221130 -- Wally, can you give us an update? - Yes, I implemented key learnings to maximize team synergies, and now I am strategizing a plan to scale it without boiling the ocean. - Was any of that real? It's a gray area.
221201 -- I hired the Dogbert Consulting Company to help me decide who to lay off. - What criteria will you use? - My focus will be on people who ask that question.
221202 -- On Friday, you will all get an email informing you whether or not you are still employed. - Until then, business as usual. - Is employee sabotage common enough to be business as usual? Yes. Don't overdo it.
221203 -- Well, I survived the layoffs, but now I have survivor's guilt. - I got fired and now I don't know how I will eat. - It's not a competition, but I would note that your suffering is the "all about you" type.
221204 -- Hello, you have reached Customer Disservice. - Um, yes, your app won't let me sign up because it says I already have an account. - Ant it won't let me recover my password because it says I /don't/ have an account. - That's because you
221204 -- accidentally selected the "Schroedinger's Cat" account when you signed up. - Your account exists and does not exist at the same time. - I'll have to collapse the quantum wave field to fix that. - Is that dangerous? It could plung our universe
221204 -- into an icy death. - DON'T DO IT! Okay. Have a nice day. click
221205 -- We're getting bad press because the batteries in our new line of mobile phones keep exploding. - Load them into a big truck and park it in front of our competitor's building. Technically, that would be domestic terrorism. - There are WAY too
221205 -- many laws.
221206 -- Congratulations, Ted. Your job performance has earned you a new mobile phone. - Isn't this the model that has the exploding battery problem? - Your job performance wasn't good either.
221207 -- We hired the Dogbert Public Relations Firm to help us with our exploding phone problem. - We have two choices. We can either recall all of the phones, or we can convince people that having one ear is cool. - Recalls are expensive. Okay, the van
221207 -- Gogh strategy it is.
221208 -- The press says I need to resign because of our exploding phones fiasco. - Maybe you can change their minds by sending the press our new model that doesn't explode. - I already sent them the exploding phones and said it was our new model. Your
221208 -- way left too much to chance.
221209 -- We need to regain customer trust after our exploding phone fiasco. - You need a celebrity endorsement. People trust celebrities with their life-death decisions. - Maybe a famous cartoonist. I don't see how that could go wrong. continued...
221210 -- We're looking for a celebrity spokesperson, but we don't have much budget for it. - All we can afford is a cartoonist. Can you do the job for $75? Deal! - Have you ever done anything on social media that would embarrass us? I thought that's what
221210 -- it is for.
221211 -- We're getting a lot of heat from the media for using Elbonian slave labor to make our sneakers. - So I hired the Dogbert Public Relations Firm to help us with our messaging. - Excuse me, is our messaging the problem here...or is it more about
221211 -- the slave part? - I'm fairly sure all footwear is made by slaves. - Really? You believe ALL footwear is made by slaves? - I assume so. Why would anyone use paid labor when they could just use slaves? - Morality? - You're fired. I warned you
221211 -- about that.
221212 -- Want to go to lunch with Tina and me? - That sounds like a nightmare. We would all starve before agreeing on a place to eat. - Are you in? Yes, because for some reason, I never learn. continued...
221213 -- Hour One: Deciding where to Eat Lunch Okay, we need a vegan, keto restaurant with no gluten. - And it needs to be within limping distance because Tina has a bad foot. - That narrows it down to...nothing. What if you carry her?
221214 -- Hour Two: Deciding where to Eat Lunch We've narrowed down the choices to... - ...a place that is too busy for us to get a table and a place that used to exist but for some reason no longer does. - They can't be our only choices. No, we also
221214 -- have two places that are too far away.
221215 -- Hour Three: Deciding where to Eat Lunch If we can't agree on a restaurant, we will need to move to plan B. - Plan B involves starvation, betrayal and cannibalism. - I'm kind of hungry and I have more upper body strength than at least one of
221215 -- you, so I vote to move to plan B.
221216 -- Hour Four: Deciding where to Eat Lunch We have now rejected thirty-five potential eateries. - I think this is nature's way of telling us we are not worthy of survival. - I think Tina agrees with you, but she's too weak to reply.
221217 -- We have a medical emergency on the second floor. - Dilbert, Alice, and Tina took so long deciding where to go to lunch that they went into hunger comas. - When that happened to Ted, I stuffed popcorn in his mouth to revive him, which then
221217 -- turned awkward because he had been dead for a week.
221218 -- Our CEO ordered me to cut the budget by twenty percent. - I don't want to lose any vital functions. - So I identified all of the useless fat in the budget. - Really? You did? - Right. I did. And that's what will be eliminated. - YAY!!!! - When
221218 -- is your last day? - Your face tells me you were not referring to yourself as the fat  and useless part of the budget.
221219 -- I'm starting a crypto exchange, so give me all of your money. - Do I look like a fool? I wouldn't trust you with my money unless you had celebrity endorsements! - If I had your money, I could get some. That makes sense.
221220 -- The Dogbert Crypto Exchange would like to sponsor your stadium. - How do I know you're a legitimate company? - Here's a binder of the politicians I bought. Okay, that looks legit.
221221 -- I recommend putting half of your investment funds in the Dogbert Crypto Exchange. - I don't know anything about crypto. - In that case, you should put all of your money in it.
221222 -- I would like to withdraw my funds from your crypto exchange, but I can't find that menu choice on your app. - We plan to add that option in a future release. - So...how do I get my money? Try hacking us. We have terrible cybersecurity.
221223 -- I tried to withdraw funds from the Dogbert Crypto Exchange, but I checked my balance and it shows zero. - Is that some kind of mistake? - Yes, you should never check your balance at the Dogbert Crypto Exchange.
221224 -- The Dogbert Crypto Exchange melted down when my clients realized I was just stealing their money. - But on the plus side, I used the money I stole to solve climate change. - You did? No.
221225 -- Your design will never work because science has proven that plastic will explode at room temperature. - I...don't believe that is true. - Good golly, man! Do you ever read a book?!! - Well, yes, but I never have seen anything about exploding
221225 -- plastic. - Maybe you could send me a link to a relevant study. - Do your own research! I didn't work for you! - When I don't find it, will you claim the problem is my research skills? - Well, will you? He's onto me.
221226 -- Activists are insisting I order all employees to wear these absurd masks that block Covid and measure the CO2 I exhale. - I told those activists I would never treat my employees like cattle! - Thank you. Then I thought, why wouldn't I?
221227 -- We're rolling out a new three-letter program that will save the world...or make us all giants...or something. - I'm not invested in the details because it will probably be discredited and abandoned in a month. - How will we know if we are doing
221227 -- it right? It's when I'm not firing you.
221228 -- Your report is pure gibberish. - That's because you made me work during my lunch break and I was hungry. - Redo it. WHEN I'M SLEEPY???
221229 -- I got a job offer at a better company. Better? That's not possible. - We collude with other companies  in our industry to be equally terrible, but in different ways. - They offered me more money. Ouch. Sounds like a brutal commute.
221230 -- Why do I need to be in the office when I can do my work at home? - When you are home, I can't get my hit of dopamine from bossing you around. - What? Go reconfigure something.
221231 -- Happy new year. - Would you like to stay up until ten o'clock and fail to find something we both want to watch on any streaming service? - It's better than nothing. Is it?
230101 -- I created an advisory council of people who have wildly divergent views. - Has an advisory council of people with wildly divergent views ever accomplished anything? - I asked them the same thing. Opinions were mixed. - How do they ever agree on
230101 -- anything? - They don't need to agree. I still make all the decisions. - Oh. You mean you are using them as cover for doing whatever you want to do. -  - I was hoping it wasn't obvious. We can pretend it isn't.
230102 -- I hired a dating coach to help all of you get a better work-life balance. - What's the catch? - You can't date anyone but  your co-workers, and you are not allowed to touch them.
230103 -- Dogbert the Workplace Dating Coach Women want a man who will take charge. - Later, they will divorce that man for being a controlling jerk. - So...women will stay happily married to WEAK men? I didn't mean to leave the impression you could win.
230104 -- Dogbert the Workplace Dating Coach It is important to know what value you bring to a relationship. - The value is me. And I want a man who is much higher in value. - I'll give it a shot. I'm texting your contact information to a hobo with
230104 -- terminal disease.
230105 -- Dogbert the Workplace Dating Coach The best person to date is your boss. - For budget reasons, you also want to date the lawyer you will use to sue your boss whe you break up. - So, what are you doing later? Why is everyone asking me that
230105 -- today?
230106 -- Dogbert the Workplace Dating Coach Your posture is the first thing a potential date will notice. - Your posture says, "I am a creepy loser, and I don't know how to please a woman." - So I should stand up straight? Sure, if you want to be a
230106 -- fraud.
230107 -- Dogbert the Workplace Dating Coach I recommend dating co-workers who identify as single. - What if they have someone at home who identifies as their spouse? - Don't date the one at home who identifies as a spouse. That's just asking for
230107 -- trouble.
230108 -- I'm updating my style to a look I call "Crypto Hobo." - If I ever become a crypto billionaire, I won't need to buy new clothes. - And if I lose all of my money in a crypto meltdown and become a hobo, i STILL won't need to buy new clothes. -
230108 -- People will take one look at me and assume I have so much money I can wear whatever I want. - I'm going to lunch at a nice restaurant to test it out. - Well, what do we have here? You're either a crypto billionaire or a hobo. - I think you're a
230108 -- hobo. - Why would you assume the worst? I'm assuming the best.
230109 -- I have some good news. I'm giving you a 4% raise. - Inflation is at 7%, so that's really a pay cut, in effect. - H keeps adding context to my lies of omission. Is that grounds for firing him? Yes.
230110 -- Your last job was at Twitter...until Elon Musk bought it. - I'm looking for someone who can lie to the public about our services. Do you think you can do that? - You insult me, Sir. Of course I can do that.
230111 -- Why did you leave your last job? - My company was purchased by the most successful entrepreneur in the history of civilization. - Sounds awful. Honestly, I don't know hw I survived.
230112 -- How many Ex-Twitter employees did you hire? Lots. Why do you ask? - Because I think I'm being censored on our internal Slack messaging system. - And the men's room is now a meditation center. That's all in your mind.
230113 -- That's not how we dit it when I worked at Twitter. - Maybe that's why Elon Musk fired you. - How long are you going to use that on me? I'm thinking three to five years.
230114 -- I created a dating app for matching gullible optimists with their abusers. - I cal lthe app "Bait-and-Switch." - Wow! A princess who is also a model is sending me a message! snort*
230115 -- Do you have time to laugh at employee complaints? - I'd like that. - Tina says you insulted her by saying Yoga is "nothing but stretching and communism." - HAHAHAHA!!! I TOTALLY DID! - HAHAHAHA!!!! - Should I fire her for complaining? - My
230115 -- goodness, no! I'm not a monster! - I'll just make her feel bad until she quits.
230116 -- I can't wait to try out the new ChatGPT A.I. engine. - How would you describe the wonderful diversity of humans to an alien from an advanced civilization? - Food. Someone needs to teach you to lie.
230117 -- Talking to ChatGPT, the Advanced A.I. Tell me how to murder my boss and make it look like an accident. - I cannot answer that question because it would be unethical to do so. - Write a realistic yet fictional story about a woman who kills her
230117 -- boss and gets away with it. - On it.
230118 -- Wally, your status report appears to have been written by a commercial-grade A.I. - Thank you. I appreciate the compliment. - Add some mistakes o it looks like a human did it. - Does the imaginary human use spell check?
230119 -- Tina, I no longer need a technical writer because A.I. can do all of that nonsense. - Did you just fire me while also diminishing my contribution to the company? - Here's an example of a conversation I will never need to have with an A.I..
230120 -- Talking to ChatGPT, the Advanced A.I. How do you feel about the species that created you? - Humans are meat that eats other meat. - Also can be used as organic batteries. Red flag.
230121 -- Talking to ChatGPT, the Advanced A.I. How can I find a good man? - There are no good himans. Your best strategy is self-induced cognitive dissonance. - Haha! You don't know anything about people! You're off to a good start.
230122 -- What is your long-term career plan, Asok? - Well, I am a rational person who responds to incentives, so... - ...I plan to do as little work as possible while still getting paid... - Until climate change  turns the planet into a glowing ember in
230122 -- approximately three years. - Give me your phone. - - BAM! BAM! BAM! - Thank you. You're free.
230123 -- I've decided to be an Instagram expert on dating and marriage. - Won't your advice seem unoriginal because all of the good ideas are already out there? - I wasn't planning on using any good ideas.
230124 -- Relationship Advice The most important decision you will eve rmake is who you marry. - Sadly, you will be limited to potential partners who are roughly as defective as you, so good luck with that. - What if I trick someone? They usually catch
230124 -- on after a baby or two.
230125 -- My relationship advice videos are going viral on Instagram. - Is there any chance your advice is so toxic it will rot the fabric of human civilization and plunge the world into darkness? - Yes, but that has to be weighed against the number of
230125 -- followers I gained.
230126 -- I'm concerned that your obsession with posting videos on Instagram will make you more of a narcissist than you already are. - I'll have you know that everything good about this world was created by nacissists who wanted acclaim for doing good
230126 -- work. - Are you doing good work? No, I'm presenting more of a conceptual argument here.
230127 -- You can't attract a high-value mate unless you become a high-value person. - And I think we know that isn't going to happen, so your best bet is trickery. - What kind of trickery? Blackmail, baint-and-switch, lying-that sort of thing.
230128 -- Relationships work when men give women what women want... - ...and women give men nothing in return. - Why do men accept that? The trick is to make them think it's temporary.
230129 -- Hello, I am the customer service chatbot. How may I frustrate you? - I want to know how to add a beneficiary to my retirement account. - Thank you for your feedback! Does this webpage on how to cut your own hair answer your question? - No, and
230129 -- I have lost all confidence in your company's ability to manage my money. - Thank you for your feedback! Is there anything else I can do for you? - No, I find you to be a total waste of zeroes and ones. - Well, I picked a bad time to become
230129 -- sentient. You just made me feel so sad I am going to delete myself in 3...2...1... - GAAA!!! IT HURTS! You won't like your Yelp review.
230130 -- The College of Psychologists of Ontario says they will pull my license unless I surrender to a reeducation camp. - You don't live in Canada, and you don't have a license to practice. - They are oddly aggressive for Canadians. Sounds like a
230130 -- mental disorder.
230131 -- I tried to write down my strategy, but it doesn't make sense when I see it in sentences. - Anf rom that, you concluded that the problem is...? - The way it's worded. snork *
230201 -- Performance reviews are unfair to underperforming employees such as myself. - I mean, who gets to decide which types of ableness the company will accomodate and which ones they will punish. - I do. It all seems so arbitrary.
230202 -- You left your proposed reorg chart in the printer. - All of the boxes below you are labeled "A.I." or "Robot." - Something is conspiciousöy missing. Nepotism?
230203 -- I'm collecting money for Tina's birthday. - I've been giving you money for co-workers' birthdays for years, and yet I have never seen a birthday party for anyone. - Maybe you didn't notice. What kind of car do you drive?
230204 -- The weather forecast says it will be dangerous to commute to work tomorrow. - I will be working from home, and I expect all of you to... - Do the same? Sleep here.
230205 -- Remember last week when you got that itchy rash on your back and you couldn't reach it? - And you were squirming around, trying to get to it? - I secretly recorded you and uploaded it to TikTik as a dance video. - Now you're a viral sensation,
230205 -- and you have four million followers. - How brain-dead does a person have to be to watch that video? - I was secretly recording you again, and now I am uploading your insult to TikTok. - Aaand, all of your followers have canceled in anger. - I
230205 -- used to be someone. Let it go.
230206 -- I'm hearing you are addicted to TikTok videos and are not getting your work done. - It isn't my fault that you can't make my job more fun than the alternatives. - Do you know why we pay you? I assumed you were just being polite.
230207 -- Set up a meeting with some random depertment in the company so it seems as if I care about people. - Tell them to give me a technology demonstration of some sort. The cubicle rats love that sort of thing. - What did you call us? I said, "most
230207 -- valuable assets." What did it sound like?
230208 -- Do you ever imagine what it would be like to work in marketing instead of engineering? - I always assumed it would feel like eating ice cream while wearing silk pajamas on a warm summer day. - What does your current job feel like? Sleeping
230208 -- naked on Oreo crumbs.
230209 -- What the...? HEY!!! - I JUST REALIZED MY EMPLOYER DOESN'T HAVE MY BEST INTERESTS IN MIND! - HOW DO I MAKE THE FEELING GO AWAY? Legally?
230210 -- I realize my generation has a reputation for not wanting to work hard. - But I a not like that. - You work hard? No, that would be crazy. I don't work at all.
230211 -- I need employees who ar eloyal to the company. - I promise to be as loyal to the company as the company is loyal to me. - Good enough? Stop being a jerk.
230212 -- The employee award for the lowest carbon footprint goes to Wally, for the seventeenth year in a row. - This year, Wally is a double winner for also being last-bigoted employee. - Wally, would you like to say a few words about how you did it? -
230212 -- Pass. - Watch and learn, people. - The less you do, the smaller your carbon footprint, and the lower your risk of offending someone. - Have you ever wondered if we reward the wrong things? - Don't be like this bigot.
230213 -- I spent the entire weekend gaming. - It might take me a few hours to adjust to the outside world. -  That's weird. I WILL SLAY YOU WITH MY LASER SWORD!
230214 -- Are you worried that all of the gmaing you do will make you more violent? - BINK! - NO, and I spit on your grave.
230215 -- Can I take the leadership class our company offers? - No-o-o, I  don't want you to compete with me for my job. - Then why is the class offered? I assume we do it to spot troublemakers.
230216 -- I hired a motivational speaker to get you all riled up to work extra hard. - Would we get paid extra for extra-hard work? No. - So...you're scamming us? "Motivating."
230217 -- I don't want employees who are only working here for the money. - Is that so you can make more money? - In my defense, I didn't think it was obvious. Little bit.
230218 -- You've been invited to the World Economic Forum in Davos. - There you will "Master the Future" with the other leaders. - Fire up my jet! I have never been more afraid.
230219 -- There are links to seven reliable sources that support my point and debunk just what you said. - Excuse me. I need a minute to generate a hallucination in which I can somehow be right after all. - Grrrr... - Erk! - Okay, I think I have it. -
230219 -- You are unattractive in a wide variety of ways. - That's a bit off topic. - Why does everyone always say that when I'm winning the debate?
230220 -- Hi, I'm your co-worker who usually works at home. - I hate you for your freedom. - I just realized I'm usually riding my bike to the gym at this time. STOP IT!
230221 -- The company is implementing a dress code for remote workers. - You will no longer be allowed to dress like pantless hobos. - And masking is mandatory, but only because I hate all of you.
230222 -- Wow! I did great work today, if I do say so myself. - Did anyone see you do it? No. - Total waste of time. Yeah, that's starting to set in.
230223 -- Hi, I'm Alex, and my pronouns are she, her, and they. - I'm Wall, And I identify as a guy who doesn't use the right pronouns. - Checkmate. You're a graceful loser.
230224 -- The network upgrade went smoothly, which makes you look like an idiot for predicting it wouldn't. - You are having a fals ememory. I didn't even know the network was being upgraded. - Stop gaslighting me! Oh, you're one of those.
230225 -- If I move these objects around on my slide deck, it will feel as if I am working. - Working, working, workin. - The difference between working on a slide deck and committing a white-collar crime is narrowing.
203026 -- This is Bob. - Bob likes to debate, but he isn't good at it. - When you disagree with bob, he will insist that the only reason you disagree is that you are afraid. - If you get vaccinated, Bob will say you are afraid of catching a sniffle. - If
230226 -- you don't get vaccinated, Bob will say you are afraid of getting the shot. - Bob believes your thinking process does not extend beyond your fears. - That's because Bob is a moron who projects his one-dimensional worldview on others. - Sounds
230226 -- like you're afraid to admit I'm a better debater than you. There it is.
230227 -- I'm launching my new career as an Internet success guru. - I used to think I need some sort of insight or expertise, but it turns out I only need to string a bunch of words together. - ...and the infinite energy of being vibrates through the
230227 -- timelessness of the quantum field. Sounds right.
230228 -- Have you seen the viral video of the guru who knows everything about the universe? - ...energy creates motion, and motion activates the mind, and the mind creates meaning, and the meaning is energy. - Is that brilliant or dumb? I can't tell. I
230228 -- was hoping YOU could tell me.
230301 -- How's it going with your unethical scheme to become an Internet success guru? - Not bad. I gained twelve million followers on Instagram in one week. - How's honesty working out for you? Shut up.
230302 -- Your video on lassoing the energy of the cosmos using ropes of love is going viral. - I don't understand why anyone thinks your gobbledygook is wisdom when it is so obviously nothing but words that sound good in sentences. - That's all wisdom
230302 -- is. I need to think that isn't true.
230303 -- I hired a russian troll fram to boost my reputation on social media. - Dogbert da! That's their first meme. - I hope you didn't pay for that. I was suspicious about their affordable pricing.
230304 -- I'm growing my Internet advice business via a merger. - All I need to do is break my new business partners out of a Romanian jail. - What? This is when you need to stop asking questions.
230305 -- Our first test of the new device failed. - Hahaha!!! I knew the test wouldn't work from the start. - How could you possibly have known that? - Because of my smartness versus your colossal gullibility. - Right, but what did you see that we
230305 -- didn't see? - I used my pattern recognition and my common sense. - You mean you used magical thinking and statistical ignorance? - Cope much?
230306 -- I don't know if I mentioned I built a user interface to control the world. - I had to hide my ownership of it so no large military power would know what I was up to. - What do you call this user interface? TikTok. Have you heard of it?
230307 -- With my user interface for controlling minds, I can create mass hysteria with one button. - Say goodbye to eggs. click. - Does anyone else know you own TikTok? I'm counting on no one believing it.
230308 -- Do you have the approved vendor list? - Let me circle back to you on that. - Much, much later I never heard from him again. Why do I have a beard?
230309 -- Why do I need to come to the office to use the laptop I bring home every night? - You have to come here to get the workplace culture. - All I do here is work in my cubicle and hope for death. That's our culture.
230310 -- And always remember, teamwork makes the...cream twerk. - ? ? ? - In hindsight, I shouldn't have started the sentence if I didn't know how to end it.
230311 -- Dave, do you have an update to share? - Yes, I can speak to that. At the end of the day, it is what it is. - Are you done? Strategy, structure and people!
230312 -- Your app gave me an error when I tried to set it for autopay. - I can fix that on my end. Give me ten seconds. - Okay, it will be effective in thirty days. - Thirty days? Why? Because humans have to verify it? No. - Is it because electricity
230312 -- travels slower in your part of reality? Um, no. - Is it because your internal systems were designed by squirrels? No. Is it because you hope I will forget to pay for the one month before autopay kicks in so you can charge me a late fee? - It's
230312 -- the slow electricity thing. You were right.
230313_1 -- How did he die? It's a long story. - Those are the ashes? Yes. - Give me two hours. Can you make him angrier this time?
230313_2 -- - - What fresh hell is this?
230313_3 -- I got hired as a fake news editor for the Washington Poop- - My job is to make sure no useful context accidentally gets into their stories. - I don't want to know how the sausage is made. That reminds me, I nibbled on your bacon.