dr000101 -- How long do we have to stay in the basement, Ralph? Until this Y2K thing blows over! - Trust me, it's pandemonium out there. We might even be the last people on earth! - Fortunately, I've stockpiled enough supplies to last us for a year! -
dr000101 -- Dad, Norman ate all the 'Cheetos'! YOU ATE A YEAR'S SUPPLY OF 'CHEETOS' IN HALF AN HOUR? I had the munchies!
dr000102 -- The year 2000! I can't believe it! - All my life, I've dreamed about what things would be like in the 21st century, and now I know! Dad... - I MADE IT! RALPH DRABBLE HAS LIVED TO SEE THE NEW MILLENIUM!! Dad... - Forgive me foe getting so
dr000102 -- emotional, boys, but this is the greatest experience of my life! Dad. - What? My teacher says that the new millennium and the 21st century don't officially start until 2001! - - YOU MEAN I GOTTA STAY ALIVE FOR ANOTHER WHOLE YEAR??? Sorry.
dr000102 -- Better cut back on the donuts!
dr000103 -- In preparation for the Y2K disaster, I stored enough food down here to last an average family for one year. - Unfortunately, Norman has already eaten all the 'Cheetos'... - And I'm ashamed to admit that I just polished off the beef jerky and
dr000103 -- 'Pop Tards'! - Ralph, what are you saying? For lunch tomorrow, we're going to have to eat the cat!
dr000104 -- As you know, the Y2K bug has thrown the world into chaos. - Since I had the foresight to lead you all to the basement, we are probably the last people alive. - Therefore, I think our first order of business is to appoint a supreme leader of
dr000104 -- planet earth. I believe the choice is clear... - Congratulations, mom! I was talking about ME!!
dr000105 -- Dad, why do we have to stay down here? Trust me, it's bedlam out there! - Madison Avenue has worked people into a frenzy over this Y2K thing. I think there's a lot of money to be made in frightening weak-minded people! - So we'll stay her in
dr000105 -- the storm cellar until things blow over. I didn't even know we had a storm cellar! - We didn't until I brought this official Y2K do-it-yourself storm cellar kit!
dr000106 -- - Hey, the world didn't come to an end! in fact, everything looks pretty normal! - I think we can all come out now, dad! - Good! I was getting pretty gamy! We were only down there for six hours!
dr000107 -- Whoa! It's my arch enemy, the evil SOCKFOOT! - This will be a fight to the finish! - I will bite and scratch and kick and bite some more!! snarl claw! - This cat is very lucky my foot is asleep! I will never let go!! bite bite
dr000108 -- Dad, what's the sunshine state` Florida. - Baseball great pee wee... Reese - Mitchum of the movies... Robert. - I love doing crossword puzzles! How do you know?
dr000109 -- - SLUG BUG! Ow! - What did you hit me for?? I saw a bug car! - It's a fun game, dad! Whenever you see a bug car, you have to slug the person next to you and say "Slug Bug" before he slugs YOU! - That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!
dr000109 -- Don't play childish games like that with me while I'm driving!! - You're almost 20 years old! Mix in some maturity, for cryin' out loud! - Good heavens! There's a time and a place for... - SLUG BUG!
dr000110 -- 'bye, dad! Where do you think YOU'RE going? - To the mall. Not until you put your cap on the right way! - Aww, dad! Everyone wears them like that! Sorry. - The only person who looks good in a backward baseball cap is Yogi Berra! ...Sigh...
dr000111 -- - - BOO! - 4 feet 8 3/4 inches...a new record for the startled kitty high jump!
dr000112 -- Your total comes to $4.95 - Excuse me... - ASCHOO! - May I take your order? I'd like a cheeseburger and a flu shot!
dr000113 -- Show us how fast you can run, Wally! - run run run run! skattle skattle skattle! - skattle skattle skattle skattle - Congratulations, Wally. You just shattered the four-minute yard. pant pant Dachshunds weren't built for speed!
dr000114 -- - AWWW!! - Someone got up in the middle of the night and ate all the M&M's in the candy dish! - Who would do such a thing! maybe we have mice! munch munch More like a big rat!
dr000115 -- chuckle chuckle! - - BOOOF! - I should know better than to try to eat soup when I'm watching 'The Munsters'!
dr000116 -- Ralph, before we eat, let's all silently join hands for a few moments. - - - - - - - - - AAUUGHH I guess it's hard for dad to sit still that long when there's food on the table!
dr000117 -- Dad, I have exciting news! - I just found out that the 21st century does not officially start until NEXT YEAR!! Do you know what this means?? - It means there is still a possibility that I could make ESPN's list of the greatest athletes of
dr000117 -- the 20th century!! - I'll be out practicing my Badminton serve, if anyone needs me! there's very little chance anyone will need you.
dr000118 -- Fetch, Wally! - skattle skattle - skattle skattle skattle - skattle skattle skattle - skattle skattle -
dr000119 -- Wally, get out of the kitchen! - skattle skattle skattle skattle - skattle skattle skattle skattle - The only thing slower than a wiener dog is a wiener dog on a linoleum floor!
dr000120 -- run run run run - skattle skattle skattle skattle - It's nice to have a dog to go jogging with! skattle skattle skattle
dr000121 -- 'M&M's, crackers and aerosol cheese, and diet soda. - I don't know what to say, Ralph, other than... - don't ever make me breakfast in bed again! Here...I couldn't find any napkins!
dr000122 -- - skattle skattle skattle - skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle - Why did they have to put my water dish way over there? Keep going! You should be there by February!
dr000123 -- The red light is flashing on our new answering machine. That means we have a message. - I can never figure out which button to push to listen to incoming messages! beep! - Hi! You've reached the Drabbles! We can't come to the phone, but if
dr000123 -- you'll leave you name and... That wasn't the right button... . beep beep beep! Oops! Now I think I erased our outgoing message! - beep beep beep beep Darn! Which button is it?? Skip?? Play?? Record?? How come I can never figure anything out??
dr000123 -- - I GIVE UP! WHY AM I SO STUPID?? - RING! click! I GIVE UP! WHY AM I SO STUPID?? boop! - I'll offer my hypothesis, but I may run out of tape!
dr000124 -- knock knock knock! Grammy's here! - I'm glad your mother is coming to visit, honeybunch, I just hope she doesn't bring her... - FLASH - camera! OK, everyone gather around for a group shot!
dr000125 -- Say cheese! Cheeeeeeeezz - - WILL YOU HURRY UP AND... FLASH - Way to go, Ralph! Now we have to do it again! Nobody move until I reload!
dr000126 -- FLASH FLASH FLASH FLASH FLASH FLASH - Did the flash work? Who said that? Wow, Grammy sure likes to take pictures!
dr000127 -- Ralph, you look so cute in your mall cop outfit! Let me take your picture! - Actually, I'm kind of late, Grammy... It won't take a minute! Say cheese! - Cheeeeeeese! cli... - Rats! I'm out of film again! Wait here while I look through my
dr000127 -- suitcases!
dr000128 -- Quick, Wally! While Grammy's not looking, run next door and bury her camera in Steinbauer's yard! RUN! - skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle - Why is Wally jogging in
dr000128 -- place with my camera? I need to get this dog some track shoes! skattle skattle skattle
dr000129 -- Ralph, have you seen my camera? - Ca...ca...camera?? Why, no! I haven't seen it anywhere, Grammy! I can't imagine what could've happened to it! - Odd...it's like it just disappeared! - Oh, well...fortunately, I brought a spare! Say cheese!
dr000130 -- Daddy, look at my family homework project! Family homework?? - You guys have to help me decorate these snowflakes! - Read the instructions. - "Using whatever materials you like, decorate the snowflakes to go on display in the classroom." -
dr000130 -- "Some possibilities are: pipe cleaners, colored paper, paint, fabric, feathers, macaroni, beans, crayons, markers, glitter glue, etc. This is supposed to be a fun activity, not an added stress in your life." - HEE HEE HEE HEE What are you
dr000130 -- laughing at? - "Not an added stress..." GLITTER GLUE!! WE'RE OUT OF GLITTER GLUE!!!
dr000131 -- Oh. look! Ralphie's taking a bubble bath! - Sorry to bug you, but I have to take a picture! FLASH - How adorable! Grammy puts the "bug" in Shutterbug!
dr000201 -- I can't understand why my cameras keep disappearing! snicker snicker! - Beats me, Grammy...I certainly had nothing to do with it! - Things seem to just disappear around here all the time! - Well, it's a good thing I also brought my CAMCORDER!
dr000201 -- Wave, Ralph!
dr000202 -- One last picture! Say cheese! Cheeeez! Flash! - Good bye! I love you all! 'bye, Grammy! - It's ad when Grammy goes away. Don't be sad, Penny... - Grammy never goes away, she just pauses to reload!
dr000203 -- Ralph, you're going to spoil your dinner! How many pieces of can have you eaten? - Only two or three! If you say two or three, that means nine or ten! - That isn't true! - Tho or three means seven or eight! FIVE OR SIX means nine or ten!
dr000204 -- Hello? - Oh, hello, Norman! - I know you too well. Only YOU would call me and then be too wimpy to say anything. Thanks for calling. Hang up the phone now. - And then wipe that stupid look off your face!
dr000205 -- Wendy thinks I'm a wimp. I need to change her perception of me by doing something bold and daring. - I know! I'll start combing my hair from the opposite side! - - On the other hand, there's no need to go overboard!
dr000206 -- Cats are better than dogs! - Cats are calm, cool and collected! - Cats are aloof! - Cats have dignity! - - - AAAAAHHH They have dignity, until you roll a pingpong ball across the floor!
dr000207 -- scribble scribble scribble What are you writing, Norman? - In honor of Valentine's Day, Wendy, I'm writing a poem about your our relationship! - "Slow dance"..."Sew pants"..."Go ants"... - Huh? I'm trying to give you something that rhymes
dr000207 -- with "no chance".
dr000208 -- I have made the bold decision to give Wendy a Valentine's card! - Are you going to sign it? Of course I'm going to sign it! - Let's see, now...how should I sign a Valentine's card to the woman I love? - Best regards, Norman J. Drabble. (The
dr000208 -- guy who sits next to you in world history) That ought to melt her heart!
dr000209 -- What's that?? - A Valentine's card?? - Happy ***** day to the woman I ****. I **** you more than *** *** and I am ***** to **** you *******! - I edited out all the embarrassing parts! How wimpy can you get??
dr000210 -- Wendy thinks I'm a complete wimp. - Won't she be surprised at the courage I display by giving her a box of candy for Valentine's day! - - Although, I suppose throwing it in her yard and running away isn't the most romantic approach!
dr000211 -- *Ahem* Wendy...as you know...uh...well...Valentine's day is coming up...so...uh... - I was wondering...well...I mean...I was thinking...um...if you'd like to...uh...well...see... - That is...if you're not busy...uh...well, maybe we
dr000211 -- could...you know...sort of...well... - Maybe...you know...sort of...uh...errr... Back in 15 Minutes
dr000212 -- Norman, I'm going out on Valentine's day... - Since you'll be home, will you record a TV show for me on your VCR? - What makes you think I'LL be home on Valentine's day?? - Call it a hunch. Nice hunch.
dr000213 -- ! - skattle skattle skattle skattle - skattle skattle skattle skattle - skattle skattle skattle - skattle skattle skattle - I thought ducks were supposed to flee in terror when a dog comes running at them! That was running?
dr000214 -- You wanted some fatherly advice, son? Yes, dad... - Wendy thinks I'm a wimp, and I don't know how to change her opinion of me. - Son, my advice to you is to be bold! Don't be afraid to ask for a date! She may say no, but she can't call you a
dr000214 -- WIMP anymore! - A LOSER, maybe, but not a WIMP! "Loser" would be an improvement!
dr000215 -- Wendy...will you...uh...what I'm trying to say is...will you...uh... SIGH - Be bold, son! - Will you marry me? - MARRY you? I said BOLD, not INSANE!!!
dr000216 -- That's right, I just proposed marriage! Pretty bold and daring, isn't it?! - I guess that blows your theory that I'm a wimp, doesn't it?! - So what do you say, Wendy? Yes or no?? - Yes. HA! I knew you'd say no because you...WHAT??!!
dr000217 -- Did you just accept my marriage proposal??? On the condition that we elope to Las Vegas immediately! - Why???? Because I know you'll wimp out! The only question is how long it will take you! - Let's go! I'm betting you'll wimp out  before we
dr000217 -- even get in the car! Well, you're wrong! - I refuse to wimp-out until we're at least out of the parking garage!
dr000218 -- I can't believe you want to marry me! I DON'T want to marry you. - The only reason I accepted your marriage proposal was to call your bluff! - I have no doubt that you'll wimp out before we get to Las Vegas! - Three things in life a certain:
dr000218 -- death, taxes, and Norman Drabble will wimp out! That's it! I could fake my own death!
dr000219 -- Hello? ...oh, hi, Norm! Where are you? - BARSTOW?? What are you doing in Barstow?? - ...you're on your way to Las Vegas to get married? Wow, congratulations! - I gotta go, Norm. Your mom just fainted. Drop a nickel in the slot machine for me,
dr000219 -- OK?
dr000220 -- Good morning, Nor... - DO NOT SAY ANOTHER WORD!!! - I crammed all night for today's exam, and my brain is now filled to capacity! - I cannot squeeze another bit of information into my head! - If one more thought enters my mind, it will
dr000220 -- displace something that's already in there! - I took a bubble bath last night. Rats! There went the Kansas-Nebraska Act!
dr000221 -- My fiancee and I would each like a chocolate shake, please! - Oh, you're engaged? We're on our way to Las Vegas to get married! - Not really. I only accepted his proposal because I know he'll  wimp out, thus proving once and for all that he's
dr000221 -- the biggest wimp on the face of the earth! - Whatever! Do you mind if my pet duck comes to live with us, darling?
dr000222 -- Norman, we're about to cross the Nevada state line. Don't you feel the slightest urge to wimp out, yet? Nope. - I fact, I've been thinking...after we get married, we're going to need a place to live. - Can we move in with YOUR parents? - I
dr000222 -- don't think you'd like living with mine, on account of my dad likes to walk around in the house in his underwear! As soon as you feel like wimping out, go for it!
dr000223 -- I can't believe we're in Las Vegas. And there's a wedding chapel! - The "Burnin' Love Marriage Chapel"! Marriages performed by an authentic Elvis impersonator! Come on, let's go! - Hi! _If we pay you in cash, will you marry us right now?
dr000223 -- Uh-huh! - Right this way, y'all! I'm impressed, Norman. You're obviously going to wait until the last second to wimp out!
dr000224 -- Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband? Oh, sure. - And do you, Norman, take this woman... Norman, it's OK to wimp out, now! You've proven your point! - To be your lawfully wedded wife? I promise never to call you a wimp
dr000224 -- again! You da'man! Now call it off and let's go home! - I do. I now pronounce y'all husband and wife! AAAUUGH!!
dr000225 -- You may kiss the bride. NO, HE MAYN'T!! I "mayn't"? - This can't be happening! Please tell me I didn't just marry Norman Drabble! Please, please tell me we're not married!! - Y'all are married! Have a nice day, now! - I WANT A DIVORCE!! What,
dr000225 -- and throw away the best 20 seconds of our lives??
dr000226 -- I can't believe we got MARRIED!! How are we going to get out of this?? - Wendy, Wendy, Wendy...relax! There's a simple explanation  for all of this! Isn't it obvious? This is all a... - Editor's Note: Cartoonist is hereby reminded that this
dr000226 -- storyline may not end as another "Dream Sequence". According to contractual agreement, if the cartoonist draws himself into a corner, he may resort to lame "Dream Sequence" ending only once every ten years. So, don't even THINK about it! -
dr000226 -- Never mind! My life is over.
dr000227 -- Every golfer needs a good caddie. - A good caddie knows the game of golf forwards and backwards. - A good caddie knows what the golfer wants almost instinctively! They are one of mind. - Give me a sand wedge, Norm. - Right! - - ? - Is ham and
dr000227 -- cheese OK? ...Sigh...
dr000228 -- Rats! I'm down 35 cents! Sorry, Wendy. This isn't a good day to begin marriage! - Cocktails! Cocktails! Would you care for a cocktail, ma'am? - BUZZ OFF, BLONDIE! I'VE GOT A LOT ON MY MIND!! - I apologize for my wife. She's a bit uptight
dr000228 -- because we just accidentally got married! His wife! Happens all the time!
dr000229 -- I can't believe we got married! Why didn't you wimp out like you were supposed to do?? Wendy, one day, I'm sure we'll look back on this and laugh! - Ladies and gentlemen...I've been told we have newlyweds dining with us tonight... -
dr000229 -- Congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. Drabble! - Sorry to make a scene, but that pushed me over the edge. I sure hope this town has an accordeon repairman!
dr000301 -- This is a nightmare! By a cruel twist of fate, I find myself in Las Vegas, married to Norman Drabble! - Maybe if I remain calm, I'll be able to think of a reasonable solution to all this. - I've got it! - Where are you going? The MIRAGE to
dr000301 -- throw myself into a volcano!
dr000302 -- I can't believe I'm married to Norman Drabble. My worst nightmare has become a reality. My life is ruined. - Maybe it's not so bad. Maybe I could make it work... - Maybe it won't be so horrible being married to Norman. - Wendy, guess what!
dr000302 -- This hotel has an arcade! I think I'll go back to the wedding chapel and plead insanity!
dr000303 -- Hello...you've got to help us! We got married here earlier today, and... You did? Why don't I recognize you? - We were married by a different Elvis impersonator. Oh, no... - Weldon, did you... I'm sorry, daddy,,,they wanted to get hitched
dr000303 -- right away, and you were at lunch, so I... - Folks, Weldon, here, is not an ordained Elvis impersonator. I'm afraid you're not legally married! So, should we do it over? NO!
dr000304 -- What a relief not to be married to you! - I feel like I've been granted a REPRIEVE! I will never again take for granted a moment of my life that I am unmarried with you! - Thank you for messing everything up, Norman! - You've made me the
dr000304 -- happiest woman in the world! I should've married you sooner!
dr000305 -- Look what I've got, Oogie! The laser pointer! - What's that?! It's a bug!! - Whoa! - It's alive!! - Where'd it go? click! - There it is! Go get it!! scramble scramble scramble - It's amazing how such a simple thing can occupy that tiny mind
dr000305 -- for hours! - I guess cats are pretty stupid. I was talking about your father!
dr000306 -- I love this game show! Contestants, put these donuts in order of size, starting with the smallest: A: Long John B: Plain C: Donut Hole D: Twist - The correct order is: C.B.D.A! And the winner is... - RALPH DRABBLE!! - YAY, DAD!! I love you,
dr000306 -- Regis. Put me down!
dr000307 -- Ralph, here's your first question for $100...Humpty Dumpty sat on what? A: Roof B: Wall C: Tack D: Whoopee Cushion - Hm...history isn't my best subject, Regis! - I think I'll use my "50:50" lifeline. In the first question?? All right, take
dr000307 -- away two answers, please! - Ralph, the correct answer is either "wall" or "whoopee cushion". Darn! Those were the two I couldn't decide between!
dr000308 -- I think I'd like to poll the audience, Regis! You want to use your SECOND LIFELINE on your FIRST QUESTION?? - OK, audience, Ralph needs your help. Did Humpty Dumpty sit on (B.) a wall, or (D.) a whoopee cushion? Please vote now! - The results
dr000308 -- are in, Ralph. 100% of the audience says the correct answer is "B". - This audience looks pretty stupid tome, Regis. I think I'd like to use another lifeline!
dr000309 -- Regis, I think I need to use my last lifeline! - You're going to use up all your lifelines on the FIRST QUESTION?? This is highly unusual, Ralph! - I know, but I think I'll call  my young son, Patrick. He's a lot smarter than I am! Then
dr000309 -- again, who isn't? MOM, YOU NEED TO GET OFF THE PHONE FOR A FEW MINUTES!
dr000310 -- Patrick, we've got 30 seconds! Humpty Dumpty sat on what? A wall or a woopee cushion?? Before I give you the answer, dad, how much of the money will I get? - Money?? Oh...uh...OK, I'll give you ten percent! No deal. We split it fifty-fifty!
dr000310 -- Take it or leave it! - ALL RIGTH!! FIFTY-FIFTY!! NOW WHAT'S THE ANSWER?? Just kidding! The correct answer is... - BZZZT!! Sorry, Ralph. You ran out of time! AAUGGH! Boy, are you gonna be in trouble!
dr000311 -- Ralph, you've used up all three of your lifelines, and you still haven't answered the FIRST QUESTION! - I know, Regis, and I think I'm going to quit now and walk away! - Walk away?? But you haven't won any money yet!! I think it's better to
dr000311 -- quit now than to risk the indignity of losing on the first question. - Besides, that pulsating background music is giving me a headache! click
dr000312 -- Boy, am I exhausted! Why? - Because daddy had a hard day at work, Penny! Why? - Things were hectic! Why? - You know, Penny...daddy doesn't like it when you ask "why" all the time! Why? - Well, because it's not necessary for me to explain
dr000312 -- everything! Why? - Because little kids don't need to know everything that's going on! Why? - Because some things don't concern you! Why? - Mommy, I need help in here! Why?
dr000313 -- - - - I thought you said this was "Pajama Day" My mistake!
dr000314 -- All right, Patrick...suppose you're playing catcher, and the runner tries to steal... - You spring to your feet and... - Whoa! - ...get real dizzy! I guess this explains why there aren't many middle-aged catchers.
dr000315 -- I hate to tell you this, Wally, but you have an appointment with the vet. ! - skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle - It's no use trying to flee. - Especially in your case! skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle
dr000316 -- Wally! You're back from the vet! That wasn't so bad, was it? - If you ask me, that vet was a little pushy!
dr000317 -- Crime, greed, assault, murder and mayhem! That's all they talk about anymore! - It makes me depressed! - If it depresses you so much, why do you watch the news?? - This is the SPORTS REPORT!!
dr000318 -- Wendy says that I'm easy to ignore. - She says that's why nobody ever pays attention to me. - Do you think I'm easy to ignore, dad? - Dad?
dr000319 -- My wife is talking about something, but I have no idea what. - That's because I tuned out a while back. The trick is to make it look like I'm still listening. - There are several methods...for example, if she smiles, I smile! - If she frowns,
dr000319 -- I frown. - Stroking my chin while staring into space gives the impression that I'm pondering her words. - A few non-committal verbal reactions are also helpful. Is that right? You don't say! Uh-huh... - Finally good eye contact is a must! -
dr000319 -- The key to a successful relationship is to always act like you're paying attention!
dr000320 -- Ralph, how would you like to go to a dinner party at the Smiths' on Friday night? - I'd hat it. It's that last thing on earth I'd want to do. - I'd rather be tied to an ant hill naked. Let me rephrase the question. - We're going to the
dr000320 -- Smiths' dinner party on Friday night! I hate it when she rephrases the question.
dr000321 -- Ralph, why don't you want to go th the Smiths' party?? I hate parties, honeybunch! - I'm just not a "people person". - That's all right... - None of them are "grunt-head persons", so you'll all be even!
dr000322 -- Honeybunch, you'd better call the Smiths and tell them I probably won't be able to attend their dinner party! Why? - I think I might be coming down with something! Like what? - Well, let's see...today is Wednesday morning...the party is
dr000322 -- Friday night... - Hopefully, it's a case of the 72-hour flu!
dr000323 -- Drabble! What are YOU doing here?? - I heard you had a bad case of the flu, Steinbauer, so I rushed right over! Why?? - Because my wife is making me go to some dumb party on Friday, and I'm hoping I'll get sick so I won't have to go! - Feel
dr000323 -- free to sneeze in my direction!
dr000324 -- All right, Ralph, you win! I guess you can't go to the party if you can't even get out of bed! I'll go by myself! - SLAM! - - Just as I suspected. Get your clothes and let's go!
dr000325 -- I must admit, honeybunch, I actually had a good time at the party tonight! - I can't believe you tried to catch a cold in order to avoid going! - Heh! Heh! Thank goodness it didn't work! - ASHOO! I'll go plug in the humidifier!
dr000326 -- I think I'll take a few laps around the track! - Hello! Hello! - - Hello, again! Hello, again! - - - - Cough! Cough! Cough! Cough! - There ought to be a rule that everyone jogging around a track has to go in the same direction!
dr000327 -- Rock music...rock music...rock music...who changed all my radio buttons?? punch punch punch - I did, dad! When did you do that? - This morning when I drove to the cleaners! - You reprogrammed my radio buttons for a THREE-MILE DRIVE?? I almost
dr000327 -- got the car painted, but it was too expensive.
dr000328 -- Come on, Patrick...burn a fastball in here! - Here we go...show me some heat, baby! - WHOA!! - My shins just flashed before my eyes!
dr000329 -- Hi, Wendy! - Wendy?? Huh?? - Oh, sorry, Norman! I didn't mean to ignore you! - It's just that you're so highly ignorable!
dr000330 -- Before I putt, I need to remove the pin. - putt! - Yes!! What a putt! It stopped only an inch past the hole!! - Imagine that!
dr000331 -- Daddy, mommy isn't home, so I'll ask YOU this question... - Can I have a cupcake? Sure. - REALLY?? THANK YOU, DADDY!! - Something tells me that's not the answer mommy would have given! Daddy is the greatest! Daddy is great!
dr000401 -- I don't understand why Wally runs so slowly. skattle skattle skattle - I thought wiener dogs were fast! skattle skattle skattle skattle - They are, but not if they have a big stomach! - How do you know? Are you an authority on wiener dogs?
dr000401 -- No, he's an authority on big stomachs!
dr000402 -- I hurt my back cleaning out the garage and it's bothered me all day! - The refrigerator has been making a funny noise lately. - Did you see what color they painted the house across the street? It looks horrible! - I wish our kids would learn
dr000402 -- to put their backpacks away after school. They clutter up the living room! - By the way, the car was idling rough today. - I think we might have termites, and it's going to cost a fortune to get rid of them! - Patrick's little league
dr000402 -- coach...doesn't know...what...he's...doing. - Z Some people read, some people count sheep...my wife like to COMPLAIN herself to sleep!
dr000403 -- Dad, I need some fatherly advice... - Hang on, Norm! I need to change into my "fatherly advice" outfit! - - Now, what seems to be the problem, son? I forget!
dr000404 -- Norm, step into my private study! Private study?? - On "Father Knows Best," whenever Bud needed fatherly advice, Ward always invited him into his private study! - Ward was the father on "Leave It To Bever", not "Father Knows Best." Are you
dr000404 -- trying to tell me my '50s sitcom history, son? - No, sir. Sounds like you've been hanging around wit that Eddie Haskell kid again!
dr000405 -- Step into my study for some fatherly advice, son! - STUDY?? This is the BATHROOM! I know...we don't have a real study, so this is the next best thing! - Have a seat! I think I'd rather stand!
dr000406 -- "Tomorrow is another day". No... "Look before you leap". No... How about..."everyone puts on their pants the same way, one leg at a time." - Yeah, that's good! I can use that one. Thanks, dad! - ANYONE ELSE NEED FATHERLY ADVICE? I'M ON A
dr000406 -- ROLL!
dr000407 -- If anyone wants some fatherly advice, I'll be in my study! - - - Need some fatherly advice, Patrick? No, I just need to brush my teeth!
dr000408 -- Do I have to eat broccoli, mommy? - No, Penny, you GET TO eat broccoli! - - Do I HAVE TO get to?
dr000409 -- A yo-yo! Can I try it, Norm? - I used to be pretty good! Let's see if I remember a thing or two! - "Walk the dog" - "Rock the baby" - "Thread the needle" - "Shoot the moon" - BASH! - "Break the chandelier!" Now watch me "scold the grunt head".
dr000410 -- - I don't know why you're always so worried about money, dad... - You have slightly more than 27 million dollars in the bank! - Let's not ask Norman to balance the checkbook anymore!
dr000411 -- I'm feeling kind of stressed. Stressed?? What do you have to be stressed about?? - You obviously don't know what it's like to be a kid these days, dad! - That's true... - When I was a kid, the only thing we had to worry about were nuclear
dr000411 -- annihilation and pay-TV!
dr000412 -- - I was looking out the window and I said to myself "it would be fun to take a walk in the rain!. - - I've got to stop listening to me.
dr000413 -- Uh-oh...it's starting to rain! - Come on, Wally! Let's run back home before we get soaked! - skattle skattle skattle - skattle skattle skattle skattle
dr000414 -- ...SIGH... - I hate election years. - I never know whether to vote for the politician who's lying to me because he's dishonest... - Or the politician who's lying to me for his own good!
dr000415 -- Z whirrrrrr - rrrRRRRR - KKRINNGG! - Interesting haircut! It's the malepattern baldness look!
dr000416 -- ? - You were right... - - - Never do Yo-Yo tricks... - - - ...under a ceiling fan. Especially if it's on?
dr000417 -- ...and that's our up-to-the-minute traffic report! If you have any traffic conditions to report, call our traffic tips hotline! - beep beep boop beep! - Hello, traffic hotline? Tipster Drabble, here! I'm on the southbound 405, and everything
dr000417 -- looks pretty good! Over and out! - I like my new cell phone!
dr000418 -- So long, honeybunch! Where are you going, Ralph? It's your day off! - Ever since we got that cell phone in the car, I like to drive around and report traffic conditions to the radio station! - Do you think that's dumb? Certainly not! -
dr000418 -- Whatever gets him out of the house!
dr000419 -- Traffic hotline? Tipster Drabble, here! I'm calling to report a bad situation on the 57 freeway! - Traffic is backed-up for miles! It's total gridlock! Everyone should take an alternate route! - Repeating: the 57 freeway is at a standstill!!
dr000419 -- Do not get on this freeway!! - What are you talking about, dad? It's practically empty! I know, and I want to keep it that way until we get home!
dr000420 -- Hello, traffic hotline? Tipster Drabble, here... - I'm following a blue convertible with expired license tags! - I intend to pull him over and make a citizen's arrest! Over and out! - EERRRRRRRRRR
dr000421 -- Hello, traffic hotline? Tipster Drabble here. - I want to report a stalled vehicle in the middle lane of th 91 freeway. - Traffic is backed-up for miles. Lots of looky-loo slowing! - ...Sigh...
dr000422 -- Hello, traffic hotline? Tipster Drabble, again... - I'm on Beach Boulevard and some creep in a green pickup just cut me off! - I wondered if you could have the traffic jetcopter follow him home, maybe buzz his house and scare him a little
dr000422 -- bit, and... - Hello?
dr000423 -- Where is it?? - I had a big chocolate eater egg, and I can't find it!! - Did somebody eat my chocolate easter egg? No, dad! - Very strange. - Where could it be? - - AH! HA! - Nice try, but you can't hatch a chocolate easter egg! Oh, good. I
dr000423 -- thought I was just a lousy mom.
dr000424 -- Norm, give me your hones opinion... - Does this shirt make me look fat? - No. - Your STOMACH makes you look fat!
dr000425 -- I'm drawing a picture of the worst crash ever! - All these things are crashing together: a car, a boat, a train... - A plane, a tank, a meteor, a truck full of bowling balls, and a guy on a bicycle! - A guy on a bicycle? Good thing he's
dr000425 -- wearing a helmet.
dr000426 -- Ralph! What are you eating??!! - munch munch - munch munch munch - munch munch... - Gulp! - Nothing!
dr000427 -- It's my turn to pick up the neighborhood kids from school. - Every time we drive through the tunnel, they all start screaming and yelling for me to honk the horn! - It stresses me out! - Sounds like a classic case of carpool tunnel syndrome.
dr000428 -- Hi, honeybunch! I'm just calling to find out what's for dinner! - You're going to try a new recipe? ...you read about it in a magazine? Oh, boy... - Creamy chicken a la asparagus? ...mmm, yo'ummy! I'll be home in about an hour! - So, what are
dr000428 -- you having for dinner? I'm going to stop off and get a burger!
dr000429 -- Have you ever considered a part-time job, Norm? - Wouldn't you be proud to be gainfully employed? - I prefer to think of myself as a stay-at-home son!
dr000430 -- Nothing is more enjoyable on the weekend than lounging around the house in a t-shirt. - - - Hmm... - What?? Oh, nothing... - For some reason, it just occurred to me that I haven't gone skiing for quite a while!
dr000501 -- I bought you a new shirt, Ralph! - I hope it's big enough! - It better be... - That label has more X's on it than the last Superbowl!
dr000502 -- drip! drip! schlop schlop schlop schlop  - drip drip drip See? - I stand corrected, Norm... schlop schlop schlop drip drip - Apparently, you DO have sense enough to come in out of the rain!
dr000503 -- Boys, I rose from the depths of poverty to become what I am today... - A highly successful mall cop! - My dreams have come true. I guess you could say my life has been kind of a CINDERELLA story! - The only thing you and Cinderella have in
dr000503 -- common is that you both have a couple of ugly sisters!
dr000504 -- HEY, DON'T SCRATCH THAT! pick pick claw claw - GET AWAY FROM THERE!! - I thought we WANTED Oogie to use the scratching post, dad! We do... - The best way to get a cat to do something is to pretend you don't want her to do it! scratch scratch
dr000504 -- claw claw
dr000505 -- I think I understand the popularity of there prime-time game shows... - They're rated "G". Families can watch then together without concern about seeing something inappropriate for children! - Whoa! Now, if they could only do something about
dr000505 -- the commercials! Coming up next on NYPD BLUE...
dr000506 -- How about this one? Nope...not mean enough! - My friend Bill Crisp is turning 50 years old! I want to find a card that makes him feel TERRIBLE about it! - Why would you want to make him feel terrible about turning 50?? - Because that's what
dr000506 -- friends are for!
dr000507 -- ZZZ I can't sleep, mom! Dad's snoring too loud! - zZZzZZzzzZz I bought some of these "No-Snore" strips! Here, put one on his nose! - Z It's not helping! Maybe you didn't put it in the right spot! Try another one. - ZZZZ That one didn't help,
dr000507 -- either! Your father is a heavy-duty snorer! Put another one on! - ZZZ I give up! I'm going to sleep downstairs! Me, too! -
dr000508 -- 'bye, Ralph! Where are YOU going tonight? - I volunteered to be on the little league board. We're having an emergency meeting! - We're going to discuss all of the parents who take the game too seriously and ruin all the fun. - So, in other
dr000508 -- words, it could be a long meeting! I'll leave the porch light on.
dr000509 -- 'bye, Ralph! NOW where are you going?? - Tonight is Ladies' enrichment night at the church! - Make sure the kids eat something healthy for dinner! - Are you sure "McFlurries" are healthy? I'm told dairy products are part of a well-balanced
dr000509 -- diet!
dr000510 -- 'bye, Ralph! You're going out AGAIN?? - Tonight is Bunco night. What's "Bunco"? - It's a dice game all the women in the Cul-de-Sac play once a month. Is it legal? Of course it's legal. - ...I think! See you on "America's most wanted".
dr000511 -- 'bye, Ralph! Where are you off to tonight, honeybunch? - I have a P.T.A. meeting. Are you aware that you've gone someplace every night this week? - Well, it's not MY fault! - Being a stay-at-home mom takes a lot of time away from my family!
dr000512 -- 'bye, Ralph! Let's see...Monday night you had a board meeting... - Tuesday, it was a church meeting...Wednesday was Bunco...Thursday was P.T.A.... - What's tonight? A Tupperware party? No, I'm just going to my book club meeting. - I've got to
dr000512 -- have ONE night for myself!
dr000513 -- Bye, Ralph! It's only eight A.M.! Where are you going?? - I volunteered to work in the little league snack bar this morning. Then, I've offered to watch Judy's kids while she goes shopping! - After that, I have to bake pies for the church
dr000513 -- social, and than I'm scheduled to help out in the library! - She ought to get a full time job so she can relax!
dr000514 -- - - - - - - - Breakfast in bed?? What a surprise!! HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY! Sorry about the kitchen!
dr000515 -- ...Sigh...I don't believe it. What now? - My brother finally landed a good job, but now he's decided to quit so he can pursue his dream of becoming a ventriloquist! - YES! Why are you so glad about that? - Your side of the family has regained
dr000515 -- the lead in "weirdest relatives" contest!
dr000516 -- How can you accuse MY relatives of being weird?? - YOUR relatives are wackos! - How dare you say such a thing! I'll have you know my side of the family is highly respected! - Your family has more nuts than a Waldorf salad!
dr000517 -- There's no question about it, Ralph! Your side of the family definitely has the weirdest relatives! - Oh, yeah? Name one! Your aunt Sue, the cat lady...your cousin Fred, the tire collector... - Your uncle Frank, the pack rat...your
dr000517 -- brother-in-law Phil, the chronic liar... - I said name ONE! Your nephew Vince, the time traveler...
dr000518 -- Listen, honeybunch...my side of the family may be a little eccentric... - But YOUR side of the family is downright WACKO!! - Take, for instance, your crackpot brother-in-law!! - My crackpot brother-in-law happens to be YOUR BROTHER!! Oh, yeah,
dr000518 -- huh!
dr000519 -- Honeybunch, I have compiled a list of all your weird relatives. - This list proves that your side of the family is stranger than mine! - Ralph, I can prove that your side of the family is stranger in just two words... - "Uncle Larry". OK, you
dr000519 -- win!
dr000520 -- 'morning, Ralph! - No-Neck, what are those dark circles over your eyes? - My latest invention, Ralph... - Contact lenses with flip-down shades!
dr000521 -- RATS! Something wrong, Norm? - I'd like to take a nap, dad, but I can't sleep because it's so sunny in here! - Hold on, Norm! I know what might help... - Here, wear this bundfold over your eyes! - OK! Nighty-night! - Dad! It didn't work! -
dr000521 -- Why did you cut holes in it? I'm afraid of the dark!
dr000522 -- Isn't this fun, Ralph? We're both reading books before we go to sleep! - I love reading. I find it very relaxing. It's a nice way to end the day! - My book was on the bestseller list for eight months! My friend Kathy recommended it! - What's
dr000522 -- YOUR book about? I'm not sure. I've only been able to read the first six words!
dr000523 -- Excuse me, sir, may I help you cross the street? Why? - In order to earn a merit badge, I need to help an elderly person cross the street! - I'M NOT ELDERLY! - I'm prematurely old!
dr000524 -- What a mess! - Oh, well... - Refrigerators are a lot like people... - What's on the inside is more important than what's on the outside!
dr000525 -- Drink from the hose $10 Are you really expecting to attract much business? - No, I'm targeting a specific clientele. - Rich people who are really thirsty!
dr000526 -- - Hee hee hee! - It's funny how people and their dogs sometimes resemble each other. - ...isn't it, Wally?
dr000527 -- OK, you'll never get this one... - Name each member of the Beagle scouts. - Bill, Conrad, Oliver, Woodstock, and Harriet! - Rats! I thought you'd miss Harriet! No one can touch me at "Peanuts" trivia!
dr000528 -- Whoever said "No man is an island" never saw dad in the pool!
dr000529 -- Hello, I'm Ralph Drabble. - I'm here for my 2:30 doctor's appointment. - 2:30?? It's now 3:45!! - We don't get around to our 2:30 appointments until at least 4:15! I like to be early.
dr000530 -- The doctor will see you shortly, Mr. Drabble. Please have a seat. - - - Why did you bring your own chair? I don't want to sit in seats that a bunch of sick people have sat in!
dr000531 -- Having an aquarium in a doctor's waiting room is a good idea. - Aquariums are tranquil. They promote a sense of peace and well-being. It has a reassuring effect on patients. - - How come there are no fish in there? They all died!
dr000601 -- - - - I thought you said the doctor would be right in! GET BACK IN YOUR LITTLE ROOM!
dr000602 -- Hello, Mr. Drabble! How can I help you? - Well, doc, I've got a little cough, and I... - Why are you standing way out there? - I'm leaving for a vacation in Tahiti tomorrow, and I don't want to get sick! Now, hold the stethoscope to your
dr000602 -- chest!
dr000603 -- How did it go at the doctor's office, Ralph? Is everything OK? - I spent the past month worrying that I was deathly ill... - So I finally mustered the courage to see the doctor, and it turns out I've been worrying for nothing! - Most people
dr000603 -- would be happy with that news? I wasted an HOUR in that waiting room!
dr000604 -- ...and then Britanny said "I was sitting there first!" and I said "Nah-ahh!" - And then I said "Do you want to play ropes?" and she said "Only if Megan plays!" ...Sigh... - ...but then, after recess, Megan asked if she could borrow my
dr000604 -- crayons, so I... Penny, excuse me... - I know you like to talk, but you need to learn that it isn't necessary to tell daddy every little detail of your life, because I...because... - Tell me all about your date, Penny! Daddy, you don't need
dr000604 -- to know every little detail of my life! - Sorry, Penny. Disregard my last comment. Please continue!
dr000605 -- OK, dad...our sunglasses are in place. Go ahead! - WHOA, THAT'S BRIGHT!! Gimme a break! It was a long winter!
dr000606 -- Oh, no...say it isn't so! - My worst fear is about to come true... - My friends surround me, it's time to go home from school... - And DAD is driving the carpool! I hope everyone likes the GOLDEN OLDIES station!
dr000607 -- Dad is driving the carpool today, and I'm afraid he's going to embarrass me. - He'll probably try to be funny, and my friends will just think he's weird. - He hasn't said anything yet. Maybe he senses my concern and he's keeping quiet on
dr000607 -- purpose. - Who wants to hear my Daffy Duck impression? This is going to be the longest three miles of my life!
dr000608 -- Mom, why did you let dad drive the carpool?! - He embarrassed me infront of my peers! - Son, it's a father's sacred duty to embarrass his children. One day, you'll embarrass YOUR children, and the circle of life will be complete! - Why did
dr000608 -- you have to tell everyone I like the Teletubbies? What's wrong with the Teletubbies?
dr000609 -- Oh, no...it looks like dad's driving the carpool, again! - Mom said not to worry... - She said she'd make sure he wouldn't embarrass me again. - Thanks, mom!
dr000610 -- - My handwriting is getting worse as I get older... - It used to be that nobody else could read it. - Now I can't even read it!
dr000611 -- Hey, doc! How ya doin'? - You do recognize me, don't you? - I'm sorry...I'm drawing a blank! I'm Ralph! Ralph Drabble!! - YOU'RE MY DENTIST!! - I've been a patient of yours for 20 YEARS!! Gee, I'm sorry! Please forgive me! - I can't believe
dr000611 -- it! I just ran into my own dentist, and he didn't even RECOGNIZE me! - Be fair, Ralph...you may have been his patient for 20 years, but you've only gone in to see him TWICE!! That reminds me...I think I'm due for my seven year checkup!
dr000612 -- - - CRUNCH!! - Do we have any more potato chips? I hope not.
dr000613 -- Ralph, don't take such big bites! - Your sandwich isn't going to run away! Don't inhale it! You're liable to choke to death! - If you took smaller bites, you'd enjoy your food a lot more! - Honeybunch, telling me how to eat is like telling
dr000613 -- Sammy Sosa how to hit home runs!
dr000614 -- Here's your fried chicken, Ralph! - Now, remember, I want you to eat more slowly! - Instead of taking huge bites and scarfing everything down, try to take your... - time. Whoops! I think I just swallowed my moist towelette!
dr000615 -- YOU'RE A LOUSY UMPIRE, STEINBAUER! - YOU OUGHT TO HAVE YOUR EYES EXAMINED!! - YOU'RE A DISGRACE TO LITTLE LEAGUE!! - The game hasn't even started yet, Ralph! This is just my pre-game warm-up!
dr000616 -- I have an announcement to make! - No one is allowed to mention the name STEINBAUER in this house ever again!! - Steinbauer? What did Steinbauer do?? Steinbauer?? You mean Mr. Steinbauer, our neighbor? Steinbauer?? What's so bad about Mr.
dr000616 -- Steinbauer? ...Sigh...
dr000617 -- Ralph, calm down and tell me why you're so angry at Mr. Steinbauer! - He umpired Patrick's little league game, and called him out at first when he was clearly safe! - Actually, dad, I looked out to me, too! I had a better view of it, son. -
dr000617 -- Better view?? You were in line at the snack bar! YOU CAN SEE A LOT FROM THE SNACK BAR!!
dr000618 -- Happy father's day, dad!! - What the heck is this? It's a utility belt for fathers! - It holds everything a dad ever needs... - Like holsters for each of your TV clickers! Wow! You'll never lose them again! - And over here is your own
dr000618 -- personal ice cream scooper! Crackers and a can of aerosol cheese! - And this is your money changer! You'll always have the exact change! Cool! - Back here are compartments for gum, sunglasses, and golf tees! And this, I predict, will be your
dr000618 -- favorite feature. What is it? - A donut holder! I LOVE YOU GUYS!
dr000619 -- Honeybunch, where is my scuba gear? - in the hall closet. Thank you. - Are you going swimming? Nope. - Barbecuing!
dr000620 -- FIRE!! - I'll save you, Ralph! Aaaaarrg! - On second thought, every man for himself!
dr000621 -- Steinbauer! What are you doing in my back yard?? I saw smoke and I thought your house was on fire! - I didn't realize it was just your barbecue out of control! - Out of control?? This fire is perfect! It's just the fright temperature to... -
dr000621 -- melt my spatula!
dr000622 -- Sorry, Ralph...when I saw all the smoke, I thought you needed to be rescued! - YOU rescue ME?? I can't imagine anything more humiliating than having my life saved by you, Steinbauer! - That'll be the day, when I need YOU to rescue ME! HA! -
dr000622 -- Fine. I'm leaving. AAKKKK!
dr000623 -- All right! I'm going! I'm going! aakkk! tap tap tap! - Quit tapping me on the...hey, is something wrong? Wheeze! - You have a strange look about you. Are you choking or something?? - You MUST be choking! I've never heard you keep quiet for so
dr000623 -- long!
dr000624 -- You're choking on your Hot Dog, Ralph? That'll teach you not to eat so fast! aakk! - Stand still and I'll give you the Heimlich maneuver! - All I have to do is wrap my arms around your stomach and...whoa, that's a long way around, isn't it? -
dr000624 -- Where's Shaquille O'Neal when you need him?
dr000625 -- - - ? - - scratch scratch! - - My best guess would be that you came in this room to check the TV guide. Oh, yeah! That's why I came in here! - Reason #352 why middle-age men need wives!
dr000626 -- Hi! I'm Ralph Drabble! I'm currently having an out-of-body experience! - That's because I'm choking to death on a weenie. Steinbauer is trying to save my life! If this doesn't work, can I have your bowling ball? - My family looks on with
dr000626 -- concern... Hey, it looks like dad is choking to death in the back yard! Darn! He WOULD have to do this just as I'm leaving for Bunco! - You don't see this kind of drama in "Dilbert"!
dr000627 -- FFOOO! - Whoa! I thought I was a goner! Gasp! - Steinbauer! You saved my life! I am forever in your debt! - Rats! Mind if I start parking my R.V. in front of your house?
dr000628 -- Ralph, considering Mr. Steinbauer just saved your life, I don't think you're being very gracious about it! - Honeybunch, you don't understand...this is AWFUL! Now he's going to hold it over my head forever!! - Ralph, I can't believe you'd say
dr000628 -- such a thing about me! - ...considering I saved your life and all! SEE?
dr000629 -- Local resident G.W. Steinbauer is a hero tonight, after saving the life of his neighbor, Ralph Drabble, who was choking on a hot dog. - "He was eating too fast and he began to choke. With total disregard for my own personal safety, I
dr000629 -- administered the Heimlich maneuver." - "Mr. Drabble, how does it feel to live next door to a hero?" "Aw, shut up!" - "Mr. Steinbauer, is your neighbor always this disagreeable?" "Pretty much." I hate the media.
dr000630 -- I don't believe it! Steinbauer is letting his dog dig in our yard again! - HEY, STEINBAUER! GET YOUR STUPID DOG OUT OF MY... Ralph, shame on you! - Mr. Steinbauer saved your life! Don't raise your voice to him! - Have a nice day! Why are all
dr000630 -- the veins in dad's neck sticking out?
dr000701 -- Ralph! What brings you to my door at this hour?? - Steinbauer, it's two a.m.! Could you please quit playing with your drum set? - Oh, sure...I save YOUR life, and now you're making demands! - The thanks I get for being a hero! I give up.
dr000702 -- Ralph, look! Oogie is going to fall! - She's leaning over the edge and she's going to fall! So? - So CATCH her! CATCH her?? - Stand underneath with your arms out and catch her when she falls! But... - - Poor Oogie! At least he broke our fall!
dr000702 -- I need a really long band-aid.
dr000703 -- Ralph, my niece, Brittany, is selling girl scout cookies. - I put you down for 50 boxes. Considering I saved your life, i figured it's the least you'd want to do! - 50 BOXES?? THAT'S RIDICULOUS!! - He's right. Put him down for 75!
dr000704 -- Ever since Steinbauer saved my life, he's been making me feel miserable about it! - Maybe you ought to save HIS life, and then you'd be even! Hey, I have an idea... - Maybe I ought to save HIS life, and then we'd be even! - That's the
dr000704 -- stupidest idea I've ever heard! Where's the nearest quicksand?
dr000705 -- Hello, TV newsroom? I'd like to report a daring and heroic rescue at sea! - Ralph Drabble single-handedly saved the life of his fishing companion, G.W. Steinbauer! Send your news crew to Lake McGarry for interviews! - When did it happen? - In
dr000705 -- about twenty minutes! I'm ready to go, Ralph!
dr000706 -- Nice of you to invite me fishing, Ralph! It's the least I can do for the man who saved my life! - Odd that you didn't bring a fishing pole, though! - I was afraid I'd lose it if the boat just happened to tip over! - Why on earth would...hey,
dr000706 -- what are you doing?? Rock-A-Bye Baby In The Tree Top...
dr000707 -- SPLOOSH! Man overboard!! - I'll save you, Steinbauer!! - glug! glug! - I'll save you, Ralph! - No, I'LL save YOU!! YOU'RE the one who need saving!! I do not!! splash! splash! splash!
dr000708 -- Hi, I'm Ralph Drabble! I'm having another out-of-body experience! - I intended to save Steinbauer's life so we'd be even. Instead, he's saving MY life again! ...out with the bad air, in with the good... - How could this get any worse?? - And
dr000708 -- now for some mouth-to-mouth resuscitation... AAAAAHHH!!
dr000709 -- Look at the flock of birds, Ralph! Isn't it amazing? - Look at how they all fly in formation, and then suddenly, at the exact same moment, they all turn in a different direction! - How do they know to do that at precisely the same time? - It
dr000709 -- must be instinct. Yeah, like our kids. - Our kids?? What do you mean? - How do they always know to start talking to us at the exact same moment? Dad will you take me to....tomorrow? How much longer are we going to stay here?
dr000710 -- My plan backfired. - I wanted to save Steinbauer's life so we'd be even. Instead, he saved MY life again! - Being pulled ashore and given mouth-to-mouth resuscitation by Steinbauer was the most humiliating experience of my life! - What about
dr000710 -- the environmentalists trying to roll you back into the water? That was a close second.
dr000711 -- - WILL SOMEBODY GET ME A TOWEL, PLEASE? - Interesting sunburn you have there, dad!
dr000712 -- This glue doesn't work very well! - Oh, no wonder...this is LIP BALM! - Has anyone seen my glue stick? - Thanks, dad! mmmmpph!
dr000713 -- Why do men like to barbecue? - Cooking meat outdoors over an open fire satisfies a primitive urge in males. - It's obviously a throwback to when we were cavemen! - Thank you for that scientific explanation! Later I'll explain why we like to
dr000713 -- walk around the house in our underwear.
dr000714 -- So you think men have an innate desire to barbecue?? Absolutely! - When cooking meat outdoors over an open fire, I feel a special kinship with my primitive ancestors! - Primitive ancestors? - You mean, like uncle Larry? No, even more
dr000714 -- primitive than that. Not much, though!
dr000715 -- Attention, allergy sufferers... - With your doctor's prescription, this new pill will eliminate most allergy symptoms so you can live your life again! - Possible side effects include nausea, headaches, indigestion, hair loss, skin rash,
dr000715 -- depression, drowsiness, athlete's foot... - Hot flashes, tennis elbow, insomnia... I think I'd rather have the allergies!
dr000716 -- Dad, look? They're having a contest! - You and Wally should enter this! You'd be a shoo-in! You'd win hands down! - Now, why should I enter Wally in an "UGLY DOG" contest?? - WALLY ISN'T UGLY!! - Sorry, my mistake. - I thought it said "ugly
dr000716 -- dog OWNER" contest!
dr000717 -- - - - Think Letterman would want me for "Stupid Human Tricks"? You've certainly got the "Stupid Human" part nailed down.
dr000718 -- whirrrrrrrrrrrrrrr - YEEEOOWW! - Never never NEVER get your head too close to the cake mixer! - Norman is a walking public service announcement!
dr000719 -- Gimme back my baseball cards!! No!! - I'm home, honeybunch! - You have a strange look on your face! It's my "Summer vacation is only half over" look! OWW!
dr000720 -- I'm home, honeybunch! You ruined your diet. - You just ate a donut, didn't you? Shame on you, Ralph! - Who told you? No one, Your eyes said it all! - My eyes have a big mouth!
dr000721 -- Daddy, my shoes are worn out! AGAIN? - We just bought those a month ago! I can't believe how quickly kids' shoes wear out these days! - When I was a kid, my shoes always lasted at least a year! - Why do you think they lasted so long?
dr000721 -- Something tells me dad never ran around as a kid!
dr000722 -- The freeway is jammed again! Take the toll road instead! You'll be home in half the time! - Ask your self: would you rather spend more time in traffic, or more time with your family? - - Well?? I'm thinking! I'm thinking!!
dr000723 -- This is the 18th hole, No-Neck! - It looks like a toughie. - You ball has to coup the escalator. - Exit on the upper level... - back down to the lower level... - Over the water hazard... - And into the shoe store, just as the gate opens! -
dr000723 -- ACE!! - Nothing builds camaraderie like an early morning round of mall cop miniature golf!
dr000724 -- ...Sigh... - I think I'm losing my hair! - What are you talking about, dad? You've got a fine head of hair! - Unfortunately, it's on your back!
dr000725 -- The Power Of Suggestion - I will get a summer job! I will get a summer job! I will get a summer job! Z - I know this sounds crazy, dad, but this morning I woke up with a distinct impression... Yes...yes... - That you should get a summer job!
dr000726 -- Mommy, do we have any more boxes of cereal? - Yes. May I have one, please? - I suppose, but I already gave you three boxes to choose from. Isn't that enough? - Not if you have a brother who chews with his mouth open! smack!
dr000727 -- - - Nice try!
dr000728 -- cough! cough! - cough! cough! cough! HACK! HACK! cough! cough! cough! - What kind of topping would you like on your yogurt? How about some crushed antibiotics?
dr000729 -- - How was your day? Lasagna. - Yum! Let me guess..."How was your day?" translates into "What's for dinner?" - One day, Penny, you too will become fluent in "husband".
dr000730 -- COWABUNGA!! - SPLOOSH! - - Now, THAT was a cannonball! You just ruined my steaks, Ralph!
dr000731 -- Norm, look! I won V.I.P. tickets to tonight's baseball game, in honor of being named EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH! - We'll be sitting in the section where all the celebrities sit! Wow! - Congratulations, dad! Gee, maybe some day , I'LL be an
dr000731 -- EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH! - Although, that would entail getting a job, wouldn't it? And keeping it for at least 30 days!
dr000801 -- Here are our seats, Norm! Wow! Two rows behind home plate!! - Now, listen...we're sitting amongst the V.I.P's! Act like we belong here. Don't get all star-struck! - WOW!! IT'S MARK McGWIRE!! Dad, that's not Mark McGwire! It's just the bat
dr000801 -- boy! - WOW!! IT'S MARK McGWIRE'S BAT BOY!!
dr000802 -- Hello! I'm Ralph Drabble-fellow V.I.P. - Hello. I haven't seen you here before. Oh, uh, well...that's because I'm usually invited to sit in the owner's private luxury suite! - Excuse me...I'm getting a little hungry! - You brought your own
dr000802 -- food?? I may be a V.I.P., but I'm not about to shell out four bucks for a hot dog!
dr000803 -- ALL RIGHT...ON A COUNT OF THREE! HERE WE GO... - ONE...TWO...THREE! - WOO! - What's wrong with you people?? Dad, I told you, "The Wave" never starts in the good seats!
dr000804 -- Norm! See that guy in the panama hat? Yeah. - He has a weapon and he's pointing it at the pitcher!!! - He must be stopped!! Dad, that's not a weapon! It's just the... - OOOF! Radar gun!
dr000805 -- What's going on? Thank goodness you're here, officer! - He was brandishing a weapon! - This is the man who operates the radar gun! He works for the team! Really? - If I let you go, could you get me an Eric Karros autograph?
dr000806 -- These packets of pancake syrup are sure hard to open... - Oops! - - Sorry, dad! I'll get some napkins! - whiff! whiff! whiff! - DAB DAB rip rip rip DAB rip rip DAB tear! -
dr000807 -- Norm, I've decided to become a private batting instructor for kids! - Batting instruction is a booming industry! Parents spend a FORTUNE on lessons! - All I need to do to be a successful instructor is tell the kids over and over to keep their
dr000807 -- eye on the ball. - ...and then tell the parents over and over how talented their kids are!
dr000808 -- Honeybunch, I've decided to become a private baseball instructor for kids! - A baseball instructor?? Are you out of your mind?? - What qualifications do you have to be a baseball instructor?? Are you kidding? - I've seen "The Natural" 16
dr000808 -- times!!
dr000809 -- Ralph, why would anyone come to YOU for batting lessons? Read my business card. - Ralph "The Bambino" Drabble (Babe Ruth's nephew) - That's not true! It's SORT OF true! - I had an aunt named Ruth, and at one time, she was a babe!
dr000810 -- Timmy, when you step into the batter's box, what's the first thing you should do? - Check my stance? WRONG! - You point your bat toward the centerfield bleachers! - This will intimidate the pitcher and give you a psychological edge! It will
dr000810 -- also give me a fastball in the rib cage!
dr000811 -- We will now discuss the fine art of changing the mound. - Changing the mound?? Yeah, say the pitcher throws one high and tight... - You drop your bat and change the mound, like you're going to clobber him! - The trick is to go slow enough to
dr000811 -- give your teammates time to restrain you before anyone gets hurt!
dr000812 -- Timmy, now we will learn what every real baseball player needs to know. - How to spit properly! SPIT?? - There are three things to keep in mind about spitting: distance, accuracy... - And only spit when you know the TV camera is on you!
dr000813 -- Can I have another quarter? Yeah, sure! - I like this pizza place because the kids run off and play video games while we can sit and relax! - Can I have a quarter? Absolutely! - It's kind of crazy in here, with kids running all over the place
dr000813 -- but... - Can I have a quarter? Of course! - It's nice to have a peaceful meal without kids constantly interrupting, and... - Can I have a quarter? Why, certainly! - Who was THAT kid???
dr000814 -- I hope you put extra sunscreen on your tummy, daddy. How come? - Because it's a lot closer to the sun!
dr000815 -- RALPH! What are you DOING?? Drying off? - That's one of my GOOD towels! - Don't use a GOOD towel to dry yourself!! - It's a sad day when you learn you're not worthy of the good towels.
dr000816 -- whirrrrrrrrrrrrrrr - rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr pop! - rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr pop! pop! pop! pop! pop! pop! poppity! pop! pop! - Popcorn? Forgot to put a bowl underneath again, huh?
dr000817 -- Ooh! What's wrong, dad? - I have a belly ache! - Whoa!! That must be painful!!! - Dad with a belly ache is like a giraffe with a sore throat!
dr000818 -- May I take your order, please? - I'd like an orange. An orange? - I'm afraid we don't serve oranges! - No, I mean an orange crayon so I can color in the orangutan on the kiddie meal place mat!
dr000819 -- 98c Store Everything just 98c Aw, man... What's wrong, dad? - I bought this exact same screwdriver last week at the 99c store! - If I'd bought it here, I could've saved an entire cent! - Maybe I could return it! If you need me, I'll be over
dr000819 -- here pretending we're not related!
dr000820 -- - click! - - click - - click - ...Sigh... - It's hard to channel surf when you've lost the remote! Tell me about it! click
dr000821 -- Good morning, kids! Welcome to Mall Cop Scout Camp! - Here at camp, you will learn what it takes to become a professional mall cop! - You'll earn merit badges in the following areas: food court cuisine, modern mall cop technology, and mall
dr000821 -- cop survival skills, to name a few. - Any questions? Is it to late to get a refund?
dr000822 -- Scouts, every mall cop must be proficient at rope climbing! How come? - Suppose you need to get up the second floor, and the escalator is broken... - You could just WALK up the escalator! Oh, yeah, huh! - I wish someone had told me that ten
dr000822 -- years ago!
dr000823 -- Scouts, we will now discuss mall cop survival skills... - Suppose you are stranded in the mall. There's a blizzard outside, and the electricity is off. - To stay warm, find two sticks and build a campfire. - If you can't find sticks,
dr000823 -- mannequin legs work just as well!
dr000824 -- Excuse me, Mr. Mall Cop...where is the store called "Things Remembered"? I forget. - Where is the "Store of Knowledge"? Who knows? - Where is "Victoria's Secret"? I'll never tell. - Congratulations, scout. You've earned your merit badge in
dr000824 -- MALL COP HUMOR!
dr000825 -- Scouts, it's time to recite the mall cop credo! - Raise your corndogs to the sky and repeat after me... - "We'll tell you where the restrooms are, we'll help you find your car." - "But if you try to break the law you'll find out who we are!"
dr000825 -- *sniff* That always chokes me up!
dr000826 -- All right, scouts, it's time to turn in for the night! - Do we have to sleep in tents? Nah...that's the beauty of the mall copscout camp... - We just open up the mattress store!
dr000827 -- When Norman gets married and has a family of his own, I hope he doesn't move out of state! - If Penny's coordination doesn't improve, I'm afraid she won't make the cheerleading squad in high school. - This thanksgiving, we're going to my
dr000827 -- parents' house, that means next thanksgiving, we have to go to YOUR parents' house, and I'm already dreading it! - I sure hope that loud-mouth little league coach doesn't draft Patrick on his team next year! - They're going to build an
dr000827 -- airport in town sometime during the next ten years, and when they do, our property values will plummet! - I think it should be illegal to worry about anything more than six weeks in the future! I hope we get a good Christmas tree this year!
dr000828 -- August is the only month without a holiday. - We should INVENT one! That's a good idea! - Think of a holiday that everyone would love and cherish! I've got it! - How about DONUT DAY?? With you, Ralph, EVERY day is donut day!!
dr000829 -- Happy donut day, everyone!! Donut day? - It's a new holiday I just invented! August needed a holiday! - What do we do on donut day?? - First, we decorate the DONUT DOG! I think august was doing just fine without a holiday!
dr000830 -- Kids, today is DONUT DAY! It's a new holiday that I invented! - Last night, the donut fairy came to our house and hid all the donuts! - See if you can find them! - No fair following the ant trails!
dr000831 -- HAPPY DONUT DAY!! Donut day?? - It's a new holiday! On donut day, we knock on doors, say "happy donut day", and then you give us each a donut! - SLAM! - Donut day doesn't seem to be catching on. SCROOGE!
dr000901 -- One large chocolate and vanilla swirl coming up! - It's an unwritten rule that if you tip them BEFORE they make your yogurt, they'll make it bigger! clank! - Here you are, sir! - I'm taking my nickel back! I guess there are exceptions to
dr000901 -- every rule!
dr000902 -- Hello, traffic hotline? Tipster Drabble, here...I'd like to alert your listeners to a serious problem... - Traffic is at a standstill! It's bumper to bumper, and motorists are growing impatient! - Where am I?? I'm in the drive-thru lane at
dr000902 -- "Turbo-Burger!" ...hello? ...hello? - The thanks I get for being civic-minded!
dr000903 -- I've decided to flip a coin... - Heads, I keep my appointment to have root canal surgery on Tuesday... - Tails, I go out with you instead. - flip! - SLAP! - It's tails. - YES! Let's make it two-out-of-three!
dr000904 -- Excuse me, Mr. Drabble. - On behalf of everyone here at the beach, I'd like to publicly thank you. - For what?? - For not taking your shirt off! clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap It's nice to be appreciated!
dr000905 -- Mom, I have an announcement to make... - I've decided not to return to school this year. - Last year, I got straight *A*s. - I can't improve on that, so I think it's best to go out on top, don't you? - No one will accuse ME of hanging on too
dr000905 -- long! The Michael Jordan of third grade!
dr000906 -- What's the big deal about getting straight *A*'s?? - I got straight A's last year, too! - You did? Sure! - I got A c-plus, A c-minus, A d-plus...
dr000907 -- What's an "oxymoron"? - It's a term that seems to contradict itself...like "awfully nice", "extremely ordinary"... - "Jumbo shrimp" - "Intelligent cat"... bite scratch snarl
dr000908 -- I'm so stressed! - They asked me to give a ten-minute talk in church on Sunday! - What on earth am I going to talk about? I don't have anything to say! How can I possibly talk to ten minutes?? - She leaves messages on answering machines
dr000908 -- longer than ten minutes!
dr000909 -- - - Tying Oogie's catnip mouse to the ceiling fan provides good exercise on a rainy day!
dr000910 -- OK, I've got one... - I know a guy who was so dumb, the escalator broke down, he was stranded for hours!  HA HA ha ha hee hee HA ha ha ha - I've got one! I know a guy who was so dumb, he put screen doors on his submarine! HA ha ha! hee hee
dr000910 -- ha! ha! HA ha! - I know a guy who was so dumb, he bought a solar-powered flashlight! ha hee hee! HA HA ha ha ha - Hey, I've got one! I know a guy who was so dumb, he put a quarter in the parking meter and said, "where's my bubble gum?" - -
dr000910 -- Get it? He thought it was a gumball machine! Hee hee! - The driver of the school carpool should stick to driving.
dr000911 -- WOW!! This is the coolest donut shop I've ever seen! - It's huge! Donuts everywhere! It's a donut wonderland!! - You can even watch your donut being made!! This is like Santa's workshop! It's a donut.lover's paradise!! - May I help you? I'd
dr000911 -- like a dozen and an application for employment!
dr000912 -- I can't believe I'm filling out an application to work at KRUNCHY KAKES donut shop! - Being around donuts all day would be a DREAM job! - Oops, I need another application. crumple crumple - Did you make a mistake? No, I drooled all over it!
dr000913 -- Hello, Krunchy Kakes donut shop? This is Ralph Drabble... - I filled out an employment application an hour ago, and I just wondered if you've decided to hire me? ...not yet? - Well, let me just say that I love your donuts and working there
dr000913 -- would be a dream come true! Oh, PLEASE hire me! I'll work for FREE! - I hope I didn't sound to eager.
dr000914 -- I GOT THE JOB!! - You are looking at the newest employee of KRUNCHY KAKES donut shop! - You're going to work in a DONUT SHOP?? That's right! - Isn't that like hiring Dracula to work in the blood bank?
dr000915 -- Well, Drabble...how are things on the assembly line? Just fine, sir! - Are you discarding all the rejects? Oh, yes...I've discarded quite a few! - I don't see any in the "reject" bucket? - Who needs a bucket?
dr000916 -- Ralph, why would you want to work in a donut shop? This isn't just ANY donut shop, honeybunch. - KRUNCHY KAKES is a national chains! Everyone knows how well they treat their employees! - Working here will give me an opportunity to expand my
dr000916 -- horizons! - You're going to expand, all right! mmm...MM!!
dr000917 -- - - - - - whackety whackety whack whack whack . BOP! - Ralph Drabble-WINNER 2000 Mall Cop Jousting Tournament
dr000918 -- - - - Do how do you like working in the donut shop, Ralph? It's heaven!
dr000919 -- Excuse me...do you have any donut holes? - - Gulp! - Sorry. We just ran out!
dr000920 -- Hey, Ralph... - Here are some more rejects off the assembly line! - Thanks! Enjoy. - It's a good thing I'm wearing an apron, because I had to unbutton my pants about an hour ago!
dr000921 -- I love the donuts being glazed on the assembly line! - - Sorry, I couldn't resist!
dr000922 -- Hi, Ralph! How was your first day working at the donut shop? I quit! - I don't ever want to SEE another donut, I don't ever want to SMELL another donut, and I don't ever  want to TASTE another donut!! - I have the mother of all bellyaches! -
dr000922 -- How come dad has such a glazed look? DON'T SAY GLAZED!!
dr000923 -- Oooohh! I've never eaten so many donuts in my life! - I guess working in a donut shop wasn't such a good idea! I 'm sorry it didn't work out, Ralph. - Oh, well...at least there's a bright side... What's that? - On the way home, I noticed a
dr000923 -- "help wanted" sign in the frozen yogurt shop!
dr000924 -- Number 91! Your order is ready! Number 91! - - NUMBER 91! YOUR ORDER IS READY, PLEASE! NUMBER 91!! - NUMBER 91!! PLEASE PICK YOUR ORDER!! NUMBER 91!! - Don't worry. It's not us, we're number 16! - - YO!
dr000925 -- Here comes Wendy. I wish she liked me. - Hi, Wendy! - - Now I wish for a million dollars!
dr000926 -- I can't believe Wendy HUGGED me yesterday! I didn't think she LIKED me! - Oh, well...I guess it's normal to greet people with a hug now and then! - Hello, Norman. - OK, now THIS is downright WEIRD!
dr000927 -- It's the strangest thing, Patrick... - For two days in a row, Wendy has HUGGED me for no apparent reason! - Maybe she's finally decided I'm not such a loser after all! Maybe she's actually starting to LIKE me! - ...but probably not, huh? My
dr000927 -- hunch is she's been hypnotized!
dr000928 -- Here comes Wendy again! Lately, every time she sees me, she gives me a hug! - She has obviously decided to take our relationship to the next level! - Wendy! Come to poppa! - Buzz off. This level seems a lot like the old one.
dr000929 -- Here comes Wendy...for two days in a row, she greeted me with a hug... - But then yesterday, she totally IGNORED me! - I can't wait to see what she'll do today! - SMOOCH!
dr000930 -- Some days you HUG me, some days you IGNORE me, and today you KISSED me! What on earth is going on?? - It's simple: I'm trying to give up caffeine. Huh?? - Every time I drink caffeine, I have to punish myself by doing something totally
dr000930 -- revolting, like kissing YOU! - Any other questions? Care for a Dr. Pepper?
dr001001 -- What's wrong, dad? I've got a bellyache! - Go call our doctor and ask what to do about it! Stomach aches! Right! - Oooooooooohh... - OK, I spoke to the doctor and he told me what to do... - Here, eat some of this! - munch munch munch! - YUK!!
dr001001 -- What's that?? Grass. Dr. Drake said you should eat some grass! - Dr. Drake is our VET!! No wonder he asked if you'd been coughing up fur balls!
dr001002 -- Welcome to ANTIQUES ROADSHOW! Our experts are assembled inside the convention center! - People have come from far and wide to have their antiques professionally appraised! - Our first guest is Ralph Drabble! - I didn't know dad was into
dr001002 -- antiques! Are you kidding? He's worn the same underwear since high school!
dr001003 -- Welcome to ANTIQUES ROADSHOW, Mr, Drabble! Show us what you have in the box! - No way! What's inside the box is so valuable, I'm not ABOUT to let anyone see it! - This place is CRAWLING with shifty collector-types! They'd descend upon me like
dr001003 -- LOCUSTS! - But how can we judge its value if we can't see it?? Just appraise it for a million and I'll be on my way!
dr001004 -- What I have inside this cardboard box is of inestimable value! - I acquired this particular item at a garage sale 25 years ago. They don't make these babies anymore! - I recognized its significance immediately! - Mr. Drabble, WHAT IS IT??
dr001004 -- WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO KNOW??
dr001005 -- Mr. Drabble...we can't appraise your antique if you won't let us see it! - We have increased security inside the building! Now, will you please take it out of the box? Oh, all right... - Voila! - That looks like an 8-track player! BACK OFF,
dr001005 -- YOU VULTURES!!
dr001006 -- I'm sorry, Mr. Drabble, but your 8-track tape player is totally worthless. - How about my watch??! My watch is really old!! It's gotta be worth something!! I'm sorry. - My TIE is at least 30 years old!! Please tell me something I have is
dr001006 -- worth SOMETHING!! - Your cardboard box is worth half a cent. YES!!
dr001007 -- Don't feel bad, Ralph! - You're not the first person to go on ANTIQUES ROADSHOW, and learn that your antique isn't so valuable! - I just don't understand how they could say my 8-track tape player is WORTHLESS! - Maybe they meant PRICELESS!
dr001007 -- Yeah, that's probably it!
dr001008 -- -Please remember to sign your check. -Please write your account number on your check. - -Do not send cash. -Make check payable to Polecat Industries. - -Please include bottom portion with payment. -Do not clip or staple. - -Do not send
dr001008 -- correspondence with payment. - -Please make sure our address shows through window. - BAM! - Did you put a stamp on it?
dr001009 -- Here's an interesting article... - Research suggests that people in our country are dumber than they wear 20 years ago. - - Thanks for bringing down the national average! Sorry!
dr001010 -- Hello... - May I speak to the man of the house? Certainly. - MOMMY!
dr001011 -- My name is Kendell! I'm Penny. - My favorite number is four! What's YOUR favorite number? - 8,261,991. - I think I'm in love!
dr001012 -- Eenie-meenie-miney-mo! Catch-a-tiger-by-the-toe! If-he-hollers-make-him-pay... - Fifty-dollars-every-day! My-mother-told-me-to-pick-the-very-best-one-and...uh... - Rats! I got confused! I need to start over! - Eenie-meenie-miney-mo... I
dr001012 -- forgot what we were trying to decide!
dr001013 -- Penny, would you like to go on a date? - A DATE?? You're only FIVE YEARS OLD!! You're to young to go on a DATE!! - My brother Norman is 19 years old, and HE doesn't even go on dates!! - Of course, that might also be because he's such a nerd!
dr001013 -- For your information, I'm five-and-a-HALF!
dr001014 -- Boy, this is a long red light! - - - I see you've discovered the new surveillance camera on top of the traffic signal!
dr001015 -- Welcome to Polecat Nation Bank's 24-hour automated hot line! - For account information, press "1". For loan information, press "2". To stop payment on a check, press "3". To speak to a customer service representative, press "4". - boop! -
dr001015 -- Please enter your ten-digit account number, followed by the "pound" key. - boop! beep! beep! boop! boop! beep! beep! beep! beep! boop! boop! - Please enter the last four digits of your social security number, followed by the "pound" key.
dr001015 -- beep! beep! boop! boop! beep! - All customer service representatives are busy. To leave a recorded message, press the "pound" key. - POUND! - Now I know why they call it the "pound" key!
dr001016 -- Welcome to Mega-Snips, Mr. Drabble. Have a seat! - Why does this barber chair recline? Because first you get a shampoo. - SHAMPOO?? I don't want a SHAMPOO! Here at Mega-Snips, everyone gets a shampoo! Now lean over the sink! But I don't want
dr001016 -- a...glub glub glub... Sorry, I can't hear you with the water running!
dr001017 -- Shampoo! - Rinse! - Now, follow me to the styling chair! - I'm soaked! Don't blame me! I gave you a towel!
dr001018 -- Take a little off the top, please. - Looks like someone already beat me to it! - HA HA - Barbers and onions...a lethal combination! snip snip!
dr001019 -- I'm so stressed! Halloween is only two weeks away, and I'm not ready!! - Why do you find Halloween so stressful? - Because four weeks after Halloween is thanksgiving, and four weeks after that is CHRISTMAS! - Oh. I'M NOT READY!!!
dr001020 -- I don't understand it! Halloween is two weeks away, and you're already stressed over CHRISTMAS?? - It's right around the corner, and I'm not ready for it! - All I've done so far is address all our Christmas cards, assemble the nativity, and
dr001020 -- buy gifts for everyone. I haven't even BEGUN to wrap them yet! What a slacker!
dr001021 -- Honeybunch, I know you make a big deal out of the holidays... - But it seems crazy to worry about Christmas in OCTOBER!! - Why don't you just worry about Christmas in DECEMBER?? Don't be silly... - December is when I start worrying about
dr001021 -- easter!
dr001022 -- I'm almost ready to go, honeybunch! Ralph, I wish you'd reconsider your costume! - We'll never get invited to another Halloween party! - You can't go as the naked guy on SURVIVOR!
dr001023 -- Goodnight, honeybunch! I'm not sleepy yet, so I'm going downstairs to watch TV! Bye! - - I hit the Halloween candy where you'll never find it, Ralph, so don't even try! - I love a challenge!
dr001024 -- What are you doing under the sink, dad? I'm looking for the Halloween candy! - Every year, your mom hides the candy from me, and I always take pride in finding it! - But she's outside herself this year. I can't find it anywhere! - It hasn't
dr001024 -- been a total loss, though...I found the missing easter egg!
dr001025 -- All right, where is it? Where's what? - The Halloween candy! Every year you hide it so I won't get into it, and every year I find it! - But this year you did y really good job, so just tell me where you hid it! - So you're admitting defeat?
dr001025 -- The attic! I forgot to check the attic!
dr001026 -- A DIVINING ROD?? I'm a desperate man! - I was hoping it would lead me to your stash of Halloween candy, but it's no use. - Ralph, I'll be glad to tell you where I hid the candy. You will?? - Sure, all you have to do is admit that I'm much
dr001026 -- more clever than you are! NEVER!
dr001027 -- Admit it, Ralph! You're a beaten man! - You tried your best, but you could not find where I hid the Halloween candy! - Mom, it's really weird...I put some clothes in the dryer, and they came out all CHOCOLATY! - YOU USED THE DRYER??! The one
dr001027 -- place I didn't look!
dr001028 -- I can't think of anything to be for Halloween. How about a mummy? - I've been that before. How about Superman? Been that. Frankenstein? - Been that. A vampire? Been that. Batman? Been that. - It's no use, dad. I've already BEEN everything! I
dr001028 -- suppose this is a common problem for people who trick-or-treat into their twenties!
dr001029 -- Here's what happened... - I got up in the middle of the night for a drink of water... Yawn! - I went into the kitchen, and there was daddy, eating all the Halloween candy! click! Uh-oh! - I said... You're not supposed to eat that candy, daddy!
dr001029 -- It's for the trick-or-treaters! Gulp! - And daddy said... Now Penny, this isn't the way it looks! - And then he said...I'm not really eating the candy! You're just having a dream! None of this is really happening! Now go back to bed! - ...and
dr001029 -- that's why most of the candy is gone! Ralph, you told me you woke up and found the DOG eating the candy! - Whose version are you going to believe, MINE or a CHILD'S?
dr001030 -- Trick or treat! - Kids, I believe that honesty is the best policy... - So I have a confession to make... - He ate all the candy again. Now don't get ahead of me!
dr001031 -- Trick or treat! - Candy?? For me?? Why, thank you! - I'll take this one! - I love the holidays! No wonder our windows always get soaped!
dr001101 -- - - Whaddaya think? I think somebody's had too much sugar! Who ate all my Halloween candy??!!
dr001102 -- HAAHHHH - sniff sniff! - Eewww! My breath smells terrible!! - sniff sniff! - Oh, good...it was just my hand! Check, please!
dr001103 -- ...35...36...37...38! I have exactly 38 french fries left! - I'm going to refill my lemonade, daddy. - And I better still have 38 french fries when I get back! - They grow up so fast!
dr001104 -- Dad, how would you describe this glass of water? - Half empty. I KNEW you'd say that! - Saying the glass is "half empty" instead of "half full" indicates that you're pessimistic, gloomy, negative, and less intelligent! - Now I say that it's
dr001104 -- totally empty!
dr001105 -- I think youth sports would be better if the parents stayed home. - Parents take things way too seriously. They get too wrapped up in winning and losing! - Why can't they just relax and let the kids have fun? - Oh-oh...it's a breakaway for the
dr001105 -- other team! They're going to score a goal! - TRIP! - What were we talking about? It doesn't matter.
dr001106 -- Ralph, go out to the garage and get our box of thanksgiving decorations. - We have thanksgiving decorations?? Follow me. I'll show you. - See? There they are... - Right behind the box of labor day decorations! We have LABOR DAY DECORATIONS??
dr001107 -- Why do they always call it "tomato" ketchup?? - Isn't it redundant? What other kind of ketchup IS there?? - There isn't watermelon ketchup or mango ketchup! - And another thing: Why do they call it "orange" juice when it's yellow?? So many
dr001107 -- questions, so little brainpower!
dr001108 -- - Can I help you find something? - Do I LOOK lost? - Well, as a matter of fact... Can I help you find something?
dr001109 -- Excuse me...Do you have the time? Yes. It's 4:45! - 4:45?? Oh, wait...I put my watch on upside down. - It's 10:15. - I sure hope noone else asks me for the time today! brush brush!
dr001110 -- How do you like my new nail polish? - Very nice! - - I had a Volkswagen that color!
dr001111 -- Mom, can I pour a glass of milk? - Norman, it's "MAY I pour a glass of milk?" - May I pour a glass of milk? Certainly. - Oops! He had the question right the first time!
dr001112 -- ...chatter chatter chatter yakitty yak yak chitter chatter... SIGH - Penny, I know you have a lot to say, but I'm going to give you a little advice... - You have two eyes, two ears, and only ONE mouth... - That means you should look and
dr001112 -- listen TWICE as much as you talk! Oh... - Then I should also SMELL twice much, because I have TWO NOSTRILS! Well, I guess that's... - And I should WALK twice as much because I have TWO FEET! And I should CLAP twice as much because I have TWO
dr001112 -- hands! - And I should wiggle my toes TEN times as much because... SIGH
dr001113 -- RING I'll get it, mom! - Hello? - Sorry, I'm not interested. - Aren't those phone solicitors annoying? That was Norman!
dr001114 -- Class, please come to order! - May I have your attention, class? It's now MY turn to talk! - I hate "Parents Night"! Z
dr001115 -- Parents, you'll find a sheet of paper on your child's desk. - We'd like all of you to write a personal note to your children that they can read tomorrow! - ****!!**!* What's all the commotion at table six! - HE'S COPYING!! AM NOT!!
dr001116 -- - - Oh! Oh! - Mr. Drabble, did you have a question? Yeah, but now I forgot!
dr001117 -- Dad, please don't tell me you embarrassed me at "parents night". - Please don't tell me you offended my teacher, and that I should now avoid eye contact. - Please don't tell me that the evening was a total disaster! - OK, I won't. Why don't I
dr001117 -- feel reassured?
dr001118 -- "It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas"... - Actually, that's not true... - Here at the mall, it's been looking a lot like Christmas for at least three months!
dr001119 -- Hello, is this newsradio's traffic hotline? Tipster Drabble, here! - I just turned onto main street, and I find myself in the middle of a serious traffic problem! - There's bedlam in the street! People are sitting atop their cars, animals
dr001119 -- running loose...I even see a large band of teenagers on foot! Traffic is moving at a snail's pace!
dr001119 -- ...that's right, Main Street! ...yes...oh, really? ...I am? ...oh...OK...never mind...'bye. - Stupid parade!
dr001120 -- Honeybunch, I invited No-Neck over for thanksgiving dinner. You WHAT?? - No-Neck and his wife recently separated, and he's a little depressed. - I had an idea: let's pretend that we're fighting! Then he might not feel so bad that he's a
dr001120 -- single again! - You invited an extra person for dinner, and you're JUST NOW TELLING ME ABOUT IT?? That sounds perfect, honeybunch! You should've been an actress!
dr001121 -- KNOCK KNOCK Remember, honeybunch, act like we're fighting so No-Neck won't feel so bad that his wife left him! - Why, hello, No-Neck! Happy thanksgiving! - You remember my old BALL AND CHAIN, don't you? - So where's the turkey, honeybunch? Go
dr001121 -- look in the mirror!
dr001122 -- Honeybunch, it's working like a charm! - Pretending that we're mad at each other has No-Neck feeling lucky his wife left him! - So, when will thanksgiving dinner be ready? You told him I'm a lousy cook, so fix it yourself, grunt head! - Ha
dr001122 -- ha! That's a good one, honeybunch, but save the zingers for No-Neck can hear them!
dr001123 -- Goodbye, Ralph! Where are you going? It's thanksgiving! - The kids and I are going to my mother's! You and No-Neck can just eat chips and complain all day! - Fine!! See if WE care! wink! wink! - Women! I'm starting not to feel so bad that my
dr001123 -- wife ran off with the cable guy.
dr001124 -- honeybunch! You were MAGNIFICIENT today! - You acted like you were REALLY MAD AT ME!! No-Neck totally fell for it! - I never realized what a GREAT ACTRESS you are! - SLAM We ought to get you into commercials!
dr001125 -- Mall Attention, shoppers... - Today is the official start of the holiday shopping season! All of you will be expected to show the proper spirit! - Any shopper who is observer being rude, impatient or irritable will be slapped with a HOLIDAY
dr001125 -- SPIRIT VIOLATION! - You can't be serious! There's ONE!!
dr001126 -- - Hey, No-Neck,,,it's me, Ralph! I was wondering if... BOOM beep ZAP POW ZOOM - Will you please turn down the video game?!! - Anyway, as I was saying... - WHO LEFT THEIR SOCKS ON THE FLOOR?!! THIS PLACE LOOKS LIKE A PIGSTY!! I AM NOT A
dr001126 -- SLAVE!! I WORK MY FINGERS ...THE B...AROUND HERE AND...THANKS...GET...NE!! - WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF! HISS - LET GO!!! YOU LET GO!!! No-Neck, I'm going to have to hang up and call you back from someplace quieter than my living room! - WHAM!
dr001126 -- ROOOLLLLL WHAM!! There, that's better!
dr001127 -- Why do other people bother to install car alarms? whoop whoop whoop - No one pays attention to them because you hear them all day long! beep beep beep beep - When you have to listen to something day and night, you begin to tune it out. Do you
dr001127 -- know what I mean? - Ralph? Did you say something, honeybunch?
dr001128 -- - - FLUSH - Now I know why they call it the wee hours!
dr001129 -- - - munch munch! - Rats! I hate it when my ice cream is all gone! Me too, 'cause now she's gonna start talking again!
dr001130 -- NEXT! It's about time! I've been waiting in line for an hour and a half! - I'd like you to mail these packages first class, and give me two books of Christmas stamps! - I'd love to, but this is the department of motor vehicles! I knew that!
dr001201 -- ...Sigh... - Penny, go put the cordless phone back where it belongs. - - ?
dr001202 -- Correct me if I'm wrong, but... You're wrong. - You haven't even heard what I have to say, yet! Call it a wild guess!
dr001203 -- Oh, no!! What's wrong? - Today was my turn to bring the postgame treats for Patrick's soccer team, and I totally forgot!! - The game is always over, and I have nothing to give them! Why don't you run to the store? - There's no time! Look!
dr001203 -- They're already lining up! - My PURSE! Maybe I can find something in my purse!! - Open wide! skwwak! Open wide! Our treat is a squirt of breath freshener?? Here, you also get a two-for-one dry cleaning coupon!
dr001204 -- Youletide City TREE LOT - - - I hate it.
dr001205 -- Our tree is crooked, Ralph! What are we going to do?? Don't worry, honeybunch. I'll fix it! -
dr001206 -- Ralph, this tree isn't fresh. I want you to take it back to the lot! Are you out of your mind?? - What kind of LUNATIC returns a Christmas tree?? You'll just have to make the best of it! - Here's a novel idea...just turn the ugly side to the
dr001206 -- wall! - It didn't help. You're a funny, funny woman.
dr001207 -- Dad, what are you doing? Picking up needles off the floor. - Your mom is convinced this tree is dead, and she wants me to return it to the lot tomorrow! - That's the LAST thing I want to do, so I'm going to try to convince her it's still
dr001207 -- fresh! - Can I do something to help? Yeah, go out to the garage and get me some green spray paint!
dr001208 -- Ralph, I want you to take this tree back to the lot! It's not drinking any water! - Are you sure, honeybunch? I'll just go down here and check... - SLURP! - The pan is dry, honeybunch! This tree's drinkin' like a FISH!
dr001209 -- No-Neck just happened to stop by, honeybunch! My, what a beautiful Christmas tree! - It is obviously fresh, too! I've seen fresh trees before, but this is...um...uhh........ - "The freshest tree I've ever seen." - How was that, Ralph? I'm a
dr001209 -- dead man. Return the tree!
dr001210 -- Hey, what are you doing?? click click click - I'm setting your digital clock to the correct time! It was way off! No, it wasn't! It was perfect!! - It used to be three minutes slow. Then I set it ahead ten minuted so I'd never be late. - Then
dr001210 -- I forgot to turn it back an hour last fall when daylight savings time ended. - And then Penny accidentally kicked the button and set it back another 15 MINUTES! - I never bothered to reset it because I knew the correct time was exactly 82
dr001210 -- minutes ahead of what the clock said! - But now that you've set it to the right time, I'll NEVER know what time it is!! Why can I never do anything right?
dr001211 -- I need a box of garland for our Christmas tree. - Now how can I tell if there's enough garland in the box to go around our tree? - Yes, that should be enough!
dr001212 -- I've always wondered, dad...what are mall copy listening to in those ear pieces? - We listen to important, top secret, official information from the headquarters. - Let's go to the phones...terrence in Sierra Madre. Welcome to the jungle!
dr001212 -- Thanks for the wine, Romey! This is SPORTS TALK! GIMME THAT BACK!
dr001213 -- - Hello! - pssshhhhtt!! - Sorry...I thought you were a Rottweiler!
dr001214 -- Norman, look... - HA HA HA HA HA! - AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA  - Now shall I get out YOUR high school picture? You'd never find it! Hoo hoo!
dr001215 -- - - - Did you clean up all the milk you spilled on the floor? Almost. I need to change my socks.  schlopp! schlopp! schlopp! schlopp!
dr001216 -- ...Sigh... I've been on hold for twenty minutes waiting for the next available customer service representative! - There's one sure-fire way to get them to take my call immediately. - Thank you for waiting. How can I help you? MMMFPH
dr001217 -- - SCREEECH! - - - - - What a coincidence! We just happen to have a fruitcake for you, too!
dr001218 -- Ralph, if you haven't bought my Christmas present yet, I'd really like this sweater! - In fact, I'll go wait over here in case you'd like to pay while I'm not looking! - OK! - So, you're telling me you haven't even bought MY CHRISTMAS PRESENT
dr001218 -- YET??
dr001219 -- Hey, it's the SWEATER I asked for! This must be what Ralph is giving me for Christmas! - Now I wish I'd asked for the one with the floral print. - - I can't believe it. She exchanged a gift she hasn't even RECEIVED yet!
dr001220 -- ...one nose hair trimmer, one exercise video, one pack of breath mints! - Who says dad's a hard man to shop for?? Merry Christmas!
dr001221 -- ...if one of those bottles should happen to fall, 24 bottles of beer on the wall - Maybe "caroling mall cops" wasn't such a good idea. We probably should've learned a Christmas song! Tips
dr001222 -- Wow! Someone left us a dozen Christmas cookies! - Ralph, these cookies aren't for us, they're for the STEINBAUERS! - They were left on our porch by mistake! Go take them to their rightful owner! - Here, Steinbauer, someone left you
dr001222 -- half-a-dozen Christmas cookies!
dr001223 -- Honeybunch, remember the watch I told you I wanted for Christmas? Yes... - Well, I changed my mind. I think I'd rather have this one! - You're changing your mind TWO DAYS BEFORE CHRISTMAS?? - ARRRGGHH She sure gets uptight as the holidays
dr001223 -- grow near!
dr001224 -- A plate of rice cookies and a glass of water?? I thought Santa liked cookies and cocoa! - He does, but believe me, Santa has really been putting on the poundage since thanksgiving!
dr001225 -- Let's see what YOU got, Oogie! - A watch?? Why in the world would a cat need a watch?? - Oops! The watch is NORMAN'S gift! I must have switched the tags by mistake! - Bad news, Norman...the catnip mouse isn't yours!
dr001226 -- The BUSINESS section?? - You don't even have a JOB! Why on earth would you be reading the BUSINESS section?? - Norman reading the business section is like...like... - Like you reading the health & fitness section! Yeah, like me reading
dr001226 -- the...HEY!!
dr001227 -- I'll have a cheeseburger, medium fries, and a medium root beer! - Would you like to "super-size" your order for only 50 cents more? OK. - Would you like to "gargantua-size" it for another 50 cents? Sure. - I had to put the fries in the trunk!
dr011228 -- Welcome to Galtburger! May I take your order, please? - Hey, it's me. Oh, hi, Ralph! How ya' doin' ? - Do you want your usual, today? Yeah. - When you suddenly realize you've developed a close relationship with the drive-thru clerk, it's
dr011228 -- probably time to have your cholesterol checked! So, how's the family?
dr011229 -- Hey, Ralph! Hey. - Your usual jumbo chili cheese bacon burger with fries and a shake? - AHHEM!! COFF COFF (wife's in the car!) COUGH COUGH! - Uh, I mean, your usual garden salad and diet cola? So, how's your diet going, Ralph?
dr011230 -- Well, the new millennium begins on Monday! - Again?? - It seems like we started a new millennium just last year! - Time really flies when you get to be my age!
dr011231 -- Oh, this is an outrage! - The home owners association is demanding the immediate removal of my holiday decorations! - It's not even JANUARY FIRST, for cryin' out loud! - What's so bad about leaving Christmas decorations up until new year's
dr011231 -- day?? - Maybe they were talking about your HALLOWEEN decorations!
dr010101 -- Norman, a job just opened up at the mall that I think you'd enjoy! - A job?? Gosh, dad, I don't know...what if I'm underqualified?? - Relax, Norm...You're PERFECT for this job! - It's a total NO-BRAINER! What if he's OVERqualified?
dr010102 -- Believe me, Norm, this job will be PERFECT for you! What kind of job IS it, dad? - Trust me, it's right up your alley! You get paid for doing nothing! - It required no brainpower whatsoever! This job was tailor-made for Norman Drabble! - You
dr010102 -- might even want to make a CAREER out of it! The suspense is killing me!
dr010103 -- Norm, your job is to stand in front of the jewelry store, dresses as a royal guard! - And then what? That's it! All you have to do is stand there! - And then what? That's it! Stand there, stare into space, and don't move a muscle! - And then
dr010103 -- what? What part of "THAT'S IT" don't you understand??
dr010104 -- So this is my new job...I stand here for six hours and don't move a muscle! - I should be able to handle this! - - I have to go to the bathroom!
dr010105 -- Norman, is that you? What are you doing?? - Oh, I get it! You're supposed to be one of those guards who stand perfectly still, no matter what! - - Whatever you do, try not to think about that trail of ants crawling up your leg!
dr010106 -- He's real! No, he's a dummy! - Actually, you're BOTH right! Kick him in the shins and see what happens!
dr010107 -- Boy, there's nothing like being inside a hot, steamy sauna! - Except, of course, for being inside the car when MOM is driving! I'm begging you...PLEASE turn down the heater!! Stop complaining! It's JUST RIGHT in here!
dr010108 -- - - He's pretty good! Fortunately I'm used to people making faces at me!
dr010109 -- ? - Why are you wearing glasses, Norm? - Norm? - Z
dr010110 -- Look, kids! It's one of those royal guards! - He'll stand perfectly still, no matter what you do to him! - You can kick him, poke him, tickle him, and he won't move! - Let's try it! You kids have fun! I'm going to Macy's!
dr010111 -- Well, Norm's first day on the job turned out to be tougher than expected! - TOUGH?? All he had to do was dress up like a royal guard and stand perfectly still all day! - I know, but people kept trying to make him flinch, and some of them got
dr010111 -- a little carried away. - Right, Norm? MmPFF
dr010112 -- What a day at work! My new job was brutal! - Standing perfectly still and staring into space all day is tougher than it looks! - Tell me about it! Also, the hat messes up my hair!
dr010113 -- I can't wait to play with my new football! - It needs air. I'll have to pump it up! - "Inflate to 13 lbs"?? - How on earth am I supposed to throw a 13-pound football?
dr010114 -- Welcome to this edition of ANTIQUES ROADSHOW! - Our experts are on hand to appraise your antiques and collectibles! - Our first guest is Ralph Drabble. Tell us about the item you've brought today, Ralph! - This is a hula lamp that has been in
dr010114 -- my family for generations! - I have many fond memories of this lamp. I consider it as family heirloom! - I realize it probably isn't worth much, but it has a lot of sentimental value. I love this lamp, and I would never part with it! - Well,
dr010114 -- Mr. Drabble, I have some exciting news...I estimate the value of this lamp to be about $5,000! $5,000?? - I'M RICH! I'M RICH!! WHO WANTS TO BUY MY LAMP?? I'LL TAKE CASH OR CHECK!! YAHOOO!!
dr010115 -- Z - Z - BLATT!! - No one should ever be that relaxed!
dr010116 -- Bob, you are a totally useless creature! - I don't know why I haven't fired up the barbecue and made a meal out of you, yet! - I guess I just don't have it in me! - Looks like he has everything else in him!
dr010117 -- I'm home! - Excuse me...my perch is not a coat rack! - What could be more undignified? -
dr010118 -- That does it! I obviously get no respect around here! - I think I'll go return to the wild! - - Daddy, I think it's time to steam-clean your hat!
dr010119 -- - - Daddy's hat just ran away!  Can you blame it? His socks walked off yesterday!
dr010120 -- Don't leave your clothes on the floor, Ralph. Hang them up! OK, OK. - - We either need more closet space, or another exercise bike!
dr010121 -- Hey, No-Neck, check out my new car alarm system! - Rattle the door and see what happens! - HONK HONK HONK RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! WHOOOP WHOOOP WHOOOP BEEEEP BEEEEP BEEEEP BEEEEP AH OOOO CUH! - That's pretty good! Where can I get a
dr010121 -- system like that? Sorry. It's a one-of-a-kind! Dad, can I have the rest of the day off? I'm getting a little hoarse!
dr010122 -- January 22, 2001 - Nothing interesting happened in my life today. - Or yesterday, or the day before, for that matter. - Everyone should keep a journal! Except you.
dr010123 -- - - - Cats love to taunt non-cat people!
dr010124 -- I'm home! - zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom - Oogie craves attention! I crave medical attention.
dr010125 -- OOGIE! GET OFF THE DRAPES! - SPLAT! - Oogie puts the CAT in CATASTROPHE! CRASH!
dr010126 -- Hey, Norm, as long as you're up, get me a root beer! - I'm not up!! Oh, yeah, huh. - - Make it a "Dr. Pepper"!
dr010127 -- I wait at this intersection every day... - It doesn't matter which direction I'm going, I ALWAYS hit the red light! - You'd think I'd have a 50% chance of making a green light, wouldn't you?? - Mind-boggling, isn't it? Everything's
dr010127 -- mind-boggling to me!
dr010128 -- Oogie is certainly an active cat! - I've heard that's a sign of intelligence! - The more playful and active a cat is, the more intelligent it probably is! - That's probably true of all creatures, don't you think? - zzZzz No argument from me!
dr010129 -- You'll have to wait your turn, Mr. Drabble. There are other patients before you! But I'm in pain!! - Too bad! Getting your chest hair caught in a lint roller is not a medical emergency! I knew I should've called 9-1-1!
dr010130 -- 'bye, mom! I'm really late! Where are you going? - Dad just reminded me that it's almost February, and I forgot to migrate south for the winter!! - Norman, BIRDS do that! Oh, yeah, huh! - Nice try!
dr010131 -- flip flip flip flip - flip flip flip flip flip flip - flip flip flip FLIP flip - Televised surgical  procedures have taken all the fun out of channel surfing!
dr010201 -- Hello, newsradio? Traffic tipster Drabble here. I'd like to report a major back-up! - Cars are a stand-still! Tensions are running high! ...my location? - The drive-thru lane at Galtburger! They must have a trainee working the window!
dr010202 -- I'm going jogging, honeybunch! You ARE?? - Yeah, what's wrong with that?? Don't you think I can do it?? - Do you think I'm too old and out of shape?? Of course not, Ralph. - Just make sure you're carrying I.D.!!
dr010203 -- Let's sit here, honeybunch! Here?? - Ralph, we can sit anywhere in the theater we want... - Why do you want to sit all the way back here?? - Because someone left behind practically a whole tub of popcorn!
dr010204 -- I have to go to the bathroom! - Excuse me...sorry...pardon me...oops! Sorry! Coming through...excuse me... Ow! - Why did you crawl over every person in this row to get out?? - You were sitting on the other aisle! It would have been much easier
dr010204 -- for you to go THAT way! Oh yeah, huh! - Excuse me...sorry! Sorry! Coming through,,,pardon me...whoops!
dr010205 -- 'bye, mom! 'bye, Norman! Remember your new motto: "Attack the day"! - How did it go? The day launched a counterattack!
dr010206 -- Hey, what happened, dad? A power outage? Perhaps. - Perhaps??? Why ELSE would it be so dark here?? - Norm, when a comic strip is all black and all you see are the characters' eyeballs, it's a safe bet that the cartoonist is sick with a flu! -
dr010206 -- Really?? It's a trade secret, so keep it under your hat!
dr010207 -- I don't understand, dad...if a comic strip is in total darkness, why does it mean the cartoonist has the flu? Because he's too sick to draw! - Imagine being a cartoonist...you have the flu, and you can barely hold a pen, but you have a family
dr010207 -- to support... - So, with your last ounce of strength, you put characters in darkness so you'll only have to draw their eyeballs! - Gosh, I've never felt sorry for a cartoonist before! Hey, I feel so sorry for him, I'm going to close my eyes
dr010207 -- for a while!
dr010208 -- Dad, are you suggesting that the reason it's dark in here is because the cartoonist has the flu and he's too sick to draw?? - Norm, all I'm saying is, I'm not buying the "power outage" theory. - Why not? - For one thing, it's only 10:30 in
dr010208 -- the morning!
dr010209 -- Dad, how long are we going to have to sit in the dark? Until the cartoonist gets over the flu, and can draw again! - But that could take a WEEK! I have an idea...let's light a match! - - Whoa, more like TWO weeks! I think someone better call
dr010209 -- 9-1-1!
dr010210 -- WHOA! WHO FLUSHED THE TOILET?? - Ouch! - pop! - Have a nice day! Too late.
dr010211 -- Looks like we're going to have a crowded flight! Yeah, but we'll be the first ones on board! - This plane boards on a first-come, first-served basis! - We arrived two hours early, so we got boarding passes ONE and TWO! - Polecat Airlines
dr010211 -- announces preboarding of flight 807! All passengers who are elderly, require physical assistance, traveling with small children, or have special needs, may now board at gate 37! - Polecat Airlines now announces boarding for passengers 1
dr010211 -- through 20. That's us!
dr010212 -- Mom buying a Valentine's Card For Dad I've read every card in the store, and nothing is quite right. There's another shop over on Elm...I'll go and see what THEY have! - Dad Buying A Valentine's Card For Mom Pick me out a winner, son! I'll do
dr010212 -- my best for under three bucks!
dr010213 -- Hey, thanks for the card, honeybunch! You didn't even READ all of it! - I got the gist of it! - I spent the entire weekend picking out just the right Valentine's card for you! The least you can do is READ all of it!! - But this card has
dr010213 -- PAGES! There's going to be a quiz, so you better not skim!
dr010214 -- Happy Valentine's day, Wendy! - You know, Norman, I considered staying home from school today to avoid the awkwardness of not having a Valentine card for you. - I mean, just because I don't like you, doesn't mean I want to hurt your feelings!
dr010214 -- - But then I figured, who cares? Thanks, Wendy. That means a lot!
dr010215 -- - - What are you doing?! - Trying to figure out if your bald spot is getting bigger, or your head's getting smaller!
dr010216 -- Hello, news radio? Traffic tipster Drabble, here! - I'd like to report icy conditions along the highway! - ...where? - Well, actually, they're INSIDE my car! I can't believe you forgot our anniversary!
dr010217 -- RING! RING! - RING! Aren't you going to answer the phone?? - I don't want to talk to anyone who doesn't know that I'm watching wrestling right now!
dr010218 -- Rats! I'm having a bad hair day!! - Oops! I'm sorry, dad! That was an insensitive remark! - I should never complain about a bad hair day in front of somebody like you! Somebody like me?? - Yeah, you know...somebody who you know...doesn't have
dr010218 -- a lot of hair left! - I'm sure you'd give an ARM and a LEG to have a bad hair day! - Heck, you'd probably just like to have ANY kind of hair day! You're gonna have a bad NOSE day in a minute!
dr010219 -- Hello, Professor. I'm Norman Drabble. I'm transferring into your class! - Take a seat, Drabble. - - It's not a good sign when the chairs in a classroom have seat belts! click!
dr010220 -- Ahh! Hoe at last! - All day long, I've been waiting for the moment I could take off my shoes! - Why? Are your feet sore? - No, I dropped an M&M in there this morning! munch munch
dr010221 -- Let's go over this again, Norm. Step one: Put the ingredients in the blender. Step two: Put the lid on the blender. Step three: Turn on the blender. Oh, yeah, huh! - For some reason, I always get steps two and three mixed up!
dr010222 -- That's the news for tonight. Thanks for watching. - This is Norman Drabble... - Good night! Are you gonna buy anything or not?
dr010223 -- - - You're biodegradable. SEE! - I KNEW You'd be able to think of something good about me if I gave you enough time! What a waste of two hours!
dr010224 -- I don't even understand THIS book! Computers for Morons - Reading Books for Morons for Morons
dr010225 -- scribble scribble scrabble scrabble - slobber slobber - pound! pound! pound! - go mail this letter for me, Norm! - Dad, your handwriting is practically illegible! - The post office will have a hard time making out the address! That's THEIR
dr010225 -- problem! - For 34 cents, I figure, make 'em work a little harder!
dr010226 -- Ralph, where are you going? It's your day off! - I'm going to cruise the freeways and call in traffic reports to the radio station! - Rush hour commuters have come to rely on me! They call me "Tipster Drabble"! - Sorry to leave, honeybunch,
dr010226 -- but duty calls! Believe me, I wasn't complaining!
dr010227 -- Hello, Newsradio? Traffic-tipster Drabble here... - I'm calling to report some sheet metal in the carpool lane of the southbound 605! - WHAT?? ...another tipster already reported it?? WHAT other tipster??! - TIPSTER NO-NECK??
dr010228 -- ! ! - boop! beep beep boop beep beep beep... - Tipster No-Neck calling to report a "car-b-q" on the shoulder of the southbound 405 at Normandie! boop! - I've got to figure out how to work the speed dial!
dr010201 -- Time to check the local traffic conditions... - Tipster No-Neck called to report a Rottweiler running loose along the northbound 710! - ...and now we've just received a call from tipster Drabble CORRECTING tipster No-Neck: It's not a
dr010201 -- Rottweiler, it's a DOBERMAN. -
dr010202 -- Let's go out to the freeways once again for a look at traffic... - Tipster Drabble reports that tipster NO-Neck just made an illegal lane change on the westbound 134! - And now tipster No-Neck reports that tipster Drabble is driving a vehicle
dr010202 -- with expired license tabs! - RRRRRRRRRR It's getting ugly out there, folks!
dr010203 -- Hi, Wendy! - Hello, Norman. - Get dressed in the dark, again? - Wow, how do you always KNOW these things??
dr010204 -- Wally and I are going jogging, honeybunch! JOGGING?? skattle skattle skattle - I've decided it's time to get in shape, so today I'm going to start jogging! Are you sure you can do it? - Of course I can do it! I'm going to start gradually, and
dr010204 -- increase my distance each day! - Come on, Wally! 'bye, boys! skattle skattle - - Forget something? No, that's far enough for today! Tomorrow we'll try to make it to the end of the driveway.
dr010305 -- Honeybunch, would it be OK to take myself an ice cream sundae? Oh, I guess it's OK to splurge once in a while. - Just don't use a big bowl! - Go to the cupboard and get one of those narrow sundae glasses! - Ralph, that's a FLOWER VASE! Oh,
dr010305 -- yeah, huh.
dr010306 -- - - fwip! - Cats and spaghetti: a dangerous combination.
dr010307 -- Z wiggle wiggle! - Z - AAAAAAHH! - Oogie loves to play! That's good, because she's about to become a tennis racket!
dr010308 -- Hey, Norman, Britney Spears just called to ask you for a date! - - - - Nah-ahh! - Really?? Yes, apparently she goes for the incredibly gullible types.
dr010309 -- Here's your sweater, Wally! - What is about dachshunds that makes people want to put sweaters on them? - Maybe it's because they have such strange-looking bodies. - Here's a sweater for you too, Ralph!
dr010310 -- * Be sure to enclose your remittance. * Do not send cash. - * Include lower portion of statement. * Make sure address shows through window. - * Do not staple, clip or tape payment. * Write your account number on check. - * Employees must wash
dr010310 -- hands. * Speed checked by radar.
dr010311 -- What's in the blender, dad? I'm making one of those diet drinks! - What's in it? 8 ounces of non-fat milk, 2 ice cubes, and a heaping tablespoon of "Skinny Quick" - I drink one for breakfast, one for lunch, then eat a sensible dinner, and the
dr010311 -- pounds fall off! - Is it good? You bet! Have a taste! - - It has a strange consistency! That's because I also threw in a couple of pop tarts!
dr010312 -- Sometimes I like to look at our photo album and reminisce. - Ahhh...those were the days! - The Drabble family, B.C. B.C.? - Before Cat!
dr010313 -- Here, I made you a big hot fudge sundae! - For me?? Thank you!! - Gosh, Norm! You're like a son to me! - Dad, I AM your son! Oh yeah, huh.
dr010314 -- I love the shower! It's the only place I'm safe from the cat! - la la la... bzzzz - la dee dee - bzzzz FLUSH OW! OW! HOT! HOT!!
dr010315 -- Is dinner ready yet? - No, Ralph. Why are you being so impatient?? - I can't help it, honeybunch. There's nothing in my stomach! - Wow, that's a whole lotta' nothing!
dr010316 -- Hello, sir! Is your house equipped with a home security system? - No, but we probably should get one! - My dad keeps a big wad of money in the cookie jar, and the lock on the back door is broken! - Have a nice day! And my mom keeps her
dr010316 -- jewelry in a...
dr010317 -- Is your card the...three of clubs? - Yeah, that's my card. YES!! I DID IT!! - Pretty incredible trick, huh, dad? - It would've been more incredible if it hadn't taken you 32 tries!
dr010318 -- - - - - OOF! That's probably not the best place to take a nap! Is the CAT all right?
dr010319 -- For homework tonight, read chapters 34 through62... - Write a ten-page summary, and be prepared for an exam tomorrow! - AAKK! - History teachers put the "Aakk!" in academics.
dr010320 -- - A penny for your thoughts. - How come we say "HERE HERE" when something is right, and "THERE THERE" when something is wrong? - I demand a refund.
dr010321 -- I have a stuffy nose! - Here...try some nasal spray. - SHOOOKK!! - Wow! That really clears your head! Actually, your head was pretty clear to begin with!
dr010322 -- Mmm-MMM!! - Great chicken, honeybunch! - Thank you! - Try not to make such a mess when you eat!
dr010323 -- I'm back! - I was absent for a couple of days because I was sick! - I assume the reason you didn't call to check on me was because you didn't want to disturb me. - You're so considerate! I thought your chair seemed emptier than usual!
dr010324 -- Well, Ralph? - Aren't you going to complain as usual? - Huddybunch, I chad hodestly say that your tuda casserol dever tasted better! I wish I had a stuffy nose!
dr010325 -- Mmmmppff! - No! Leave me alone! - Stop it! Go away! - AAAAAAAHH! - Ralph, wake up! You're dreaming! - No, I'm not. - Your stupid cat is attacking my feet!
dr010326 -- Come on, left knee! You can do it! - Keep going, lower back! Almost there! - Aaahh! - You know, you're getting old when you start talking to your body parts!
dr010327 -- Nice kitty... - Nice kitty... - Nice kitty... - SHRED - Bad kitty.
dr010328 -- - - OK, maybe I DO need to go on diet!
dr010329 -- You stupid cat! - Don't you realize that's a fake mouse? - How can an animal be so dumb as to get all excited over something that's not even REAL. - Wooo! Time for wrestling!
dr010330 -- I'm... Our photos are ready, so I'm going to pick them up. - You need to take Patrick to basketball practice at 5:00, so don't be late! - Penny is at Dana's house. Pick her up at 5:15. No Nintendo for Norman until his homework is done. Got
dr010330 -- it? - Oh, and take the lasagna out of the oven in 45 minutes. ...home!
dr010331 -- Excuse me, are you about ready to leave? - Yes, why? Because I'd like to sit where you're sitting! - There are lots of empty places to sit! Why do you want to sit in MY seat?? - Something tells me it's going to be really really warm!
dr010401 -- I love to feed the ducks! - I like to share my donuts with them! - It's fun to watch them snatch it out of the air! Watch... - - I don't know what brings this to mind, but how's dad doing on his diet?
dr010402 -- Yawn... scratch scratch - Ben Franklin was right... - "Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half shut afterwards." - Good morning to you, too!
dr010403 -- drum drum drum - drum drum drum - - Try not to use so many bandages, Ralph. They're expensive! I really hate cats.
dr010404 -- Zundel's Department Store ...and why do you want to return your new hammock, Mr. Drabble? - Let's just say we don't get along.
dr010405 -- It's the moment of truth, Norm. Time to see if I've lost any weight on my new diet! - YES! I'VE LOST WEIGHT!! - Shouldn't you be standing on the scale? Scale, shmale! I measure my weight by how much of my feet I can see!
dr010406 -- Whatcha reading, dad? The newspaper? - I like newspapers. They're always something interesting! I'll just stand here and read over your shoulder... - HEY, NORM, GO LONG! OK!! -
dr010407 -- - boop! - Hello? - Now it's official: Everyone on earth has a cell phone! Wrong number, but thanks for calling!
dr010408 -- I'm going to play in the ball pit, daddy! Me too! Be careful in there. - Last week a kid went in, sank beneath the balls, and was never seen again! - - Yeah, right! Maybe I'll just wait out here with you!
dr010409 -- - - - Hair is wasted on the young!
dr010410 -- I love being on food court duty! - Care for a free sample? - Don't mind if I do! -
dr010411 -- I saw this table first! No, I saw it first!! - Both of you calm down! When disputes arise in the food court, there's only one way to resolve them... - ALL RISE FOR THE FOOD COURT JUDGE!
dr010412 -- FOOD COURT IS NOW IN SESSION! - THE HONORABLE JUDGE NO-NECK IS PRESIDING! - Food court will now come to order! THUD - This isn't a gavel, it's a hot dog on a stick! Close enough!
dr010413 -- Food court is now in session! - Our first case is "The mall vs. an annoying guy with a cell phone". - Your honor, this man stands accused of... GUILTY! BAM! - Next case! We know how to move things along here in food court!
dr010414 -- Pretzel Palace Ringer!
dr010415 -- - - - - TOK! - Have I mentioned lately how much I hate cats? Not in the last two-and-a-half minutes.
dr010416 -- I'm all set to umpire the first game of the little league season! - How do I look? - Great, except you're supposed to wear your chest protector OUTSIDE your shirt! I haven't put it on yet!!
dr010417 -- STEE-RIKE!! - Strike??? That pitch was a mile outside, ump!! - You are GONE!! - It's always a thrill to throw out the first parent of little league season!
dr010418 -- STEE-RIKE!! - Achoo! - I don't take any lip from the spectators! YOU'RE OUTTA! HERE!! - I just sneezed! Gesundheit and good night now!
dr010419 -- STEE-RIKE!! - Strike??????? - YOU'RE OUTA' HERE!! - One too many question marks!
dr010420 -- - STEE-RIKE!! - - THUD - Am I good or what?!
dr010421 -- What in the world are you making?? - A peanut butter, potato chip, and oreo cookie sandwich! I loved this as a kid! - Some things you never outgrow! - The only thing you've ever outgrown is your pants!
dr010422 -- Hello? ...oh, hi, Mike! Is that Mike Bergen? - What? Tell him that we loved his wife's cheesecake recipe! - Huh? Also, tell him that I still have the book she loaned me, and I'll return it next week! - What? Hello?! Are you there, Ralph?? I
dr010422 -- said tell  him I'll return her book next week! - Huh?? I obviously called at a bad time. I'll call back later! Did you hear me, Ralph? - What? click! Oh, forget it, Ralph. I'll call her, myself! - How come the only time my wife wants to talk
dr010422 -- to me is when I get a phone call?
dr010423 -- Monday. It's always Monday. - Every time I turn around, it's Monday again. - How come it's never Friday? - I'd even settle for an occasional Thursday!
dr010424 -- Oh, no! We're having exam on QUANTUM PHYSICS today! I'm terrible at quantum physics! - Hey, wait a minute...I don't TAKE quantum physics! - I MUST BE IN THE WRONG CLASSROOM AGAIN! - I'm so relieved! So are we!
dr010425 -- This multiple choice test is hard! I don't have a clue for question number 3... - Pssst! Norman, what answer did you put down for question 3? A, B, C or D? - "B". Thank you. - That means I can safely rule out "B".
dr010426 -- - Aaahhh - CHOO! - I take it you got a haircut this morning. Thanks for noticing!
dr010427 -- Pssst...Norman! - What did you put down for question number 17? - "True". TRUE?? It's an ESSAY question! - I try to keep my essays brief and to the point!
dr010428 -- Moo, dang it! - I said MOO!! - What's with you? - I think I have mad cow disease.
dr010429 -- stretchy strecht strech! - WHOOSH WHOOSH - squeaky squeaky skwakk skwakk! - draw draw draw! - Look, Oogie! A big, fat mouse! - GO GET IT!! - BLAM - Sweet! I don't care if Oogie DID claw-up your golf bag, that wasn't nice!
dr010430 -- What are YOU doing here?? - Is that a message tied to your leg? - Ralph, On your way home from work, buy milk. - How on earth did you ever find me? I just headed for the food court.
dr010501 -- Another message? - Ralph, remember to pick up our clothes from the cleaners. Honeybunch - Your wife sends you messages via HOMING DUCK?? - Haven't you ever heard of a cell phone?? We're out of minutes!
dr010502 -- Speak up! I can barely hear you! - WHAT?? - YOU'RE BREAKING UP!! Another message? - HELLO? HELLO? At least homing ducks never break up! We quack up from time to time.
dr010503 -- I know I'm supposed to be on a diet, but a little donut won't hurt! - tap tap tap!  - - Ralph, Don't even THINK about it!!! Remember, I'm only the messenger!
dr010504 -- What now? - Another message? - feed the duk. - Who wrote this?
dr010505 -- - - I enjoy being on "backwards cap" patrol! ?
dr010506 -- Hey, kids! What's up? KLANK BRICK BONK  - Oof! Careful, dad! We're shooting hoops! - You'd better find a safe place to stand! - BONK KLUNK BRICK
dr010507 -- Good morning, bargain hunters! Welcome to Ralph Drabble's annual garage sale! - Before I open the door, let's go over the ground rules... 1.) You break it, you bought it. - 2.) Should you become trampled or injured in the mad buying frenzy, I
dr010507 -- am not liable. 3.) Drinks from the hose are available for fifty cents each. - C'mon! Open up!! Relax! Only 17 more!!
dr010508 -- Three bucks for THIS?? What on earth is it?? - Good heavens!! THAT'S not supposed to be out here!! - Norm, go put this back in the vault with all the other priceless antiquities! - Wait! I'll give you $5 for it!! Are you taking notes, son?
dr010509 -- I'll give you three bucks for this lamp. THREE BUCKS? - That's an insult!! - How DARE you come to my garage sale and make an INSULTING offer like that!! - OK, I'll give you four. A pleasure doing business with you!
dr010510 -- $50?? What is it?? - It's a bucket of dried paint with a brush stuck in the middle! - Why would you charge $50 for THIS?? It's a conversation piece! - That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!  See? You're already talking about it!
dr010511 -- Steinbauer! What are YOU doing here?? Treasure hunting, Ralph! - I've never seen a garage sale that didn't have at least ONE thing worth buying! - - ...until now. How about this unique wire sculpture?
dr010512 -- - - How much for the lamp? The garage sale is OUT THERE! Make an offer!
dr010513 -- YES! YES! MY DIET IS WORKING!! I'M LOSING WEIGHT!! - I can finally see one of my toenails!! Then again, you haven't clipped them for six months!
dr010514 -- Garage Sale Hey, Drabble, how much for this? - That's a portrait of my great aunt Ethel! - That's been in my family for generations! I could never part with aunt Ethel! - I'll give you ten bucks! 'bye, aunt Ethel!
dr010515 -- Yes! Yes!! I finally got the best of our evil neighbor, Mr. Steinbauer!! - He came to our garage sale, and I talked him into paying ten bucks for that painting of my ugly aunt Ethel! TEN BUCKS!! - Ah-HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
dr010515 -- HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA Hic! - Try to cheer up, Ralph. Dang! I laughed so hard, I gave myself the hic *hic* Ups!
dr010516 -- Hey, dad! Mr. Steinbauer is on that antiques appraisal show, with the painting of aunt Ethel! Huh? - I picked this up at a garage sale for only $10! - Mr. Steinbauer, before I tell you the value of this piece, you'd better sit down! - Poor
dr010516 -- Steinbauer! They're obviously going  to tell him he wasted ten bucks! In fact, maybe you should LIE down!
dr010517 -- Mr. Steinbauer, this painting was done by the renowned artist, Salvador Heyman! - This painting that you bought for $10 at a garage sale is worth... - $750,000! - Yahoo! I'm rich! I'm rich!! Gee, dad...if you'd known it was THAT valuable, you
dr010517 -- could've sold it for at least $25!
dr010518 -- $750,000?? But I bought it for only $10 at a garage sale! It's hard to believe the seller was unaware of its value! - Well, he's kind of an imbecile! Really? What's his name? - Ralph Drabble. I'll be sure to go to HIS next garage sale! - Ha
dr010518 -- ha ha ha ha hee hee ha ha! Hoo hoo hoo hoo ha ha hoo hoo! Look at it this way, dad...it's free advertising!
dr010519 -- Steinbauer, I demand the return of the portrait of my beloved aunt Ethel! - Sorry, Ralph. A deal is a deal. I sold it under duress! It was a clear case of insanity! - There are laws against taking advantage of people who are in a decreased
dr010519 -- mental state! - You're out of your mind! AH HA! So you ADMIT it!!
dr010520 -- skattle skattle skattle skattle - skattle skattle skattle - skattle skattle skattle skattle - skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle - JUMP! Sorry, Wally. I wouldn't have asked you to hop up on my lap if I'd known it was gonna be
dr010520 -- that much work! pant pant wheeze wheeze!
dr010521 -- You can't have your painting back, Ralph! A deal is a deal! - Steinbauer, if you don't return my painting, I will seek legal restitution in a court of law! - I will plead my case before the highest legal authority in the land! You mean...
dr010521 -- That's right! - Hey, cool! Dad and Mr. Steinbauer are on the JUDGE JUDY show!
dr010522 -- Mr. Drabble, please tell us why you're suing Mr. Steinbauer. Certainly, judge Judy... - But first, may I say that you are even lovelier in person than on TV! - Furthermore, I think you'd make an excellent addition to the U.S. supreme court! -
dr010522 -- You are not only lovely and smart, you are also... Oh, shut up! Yes, ma'am!
dr010523 -- Your honor, Mr. Steinbauer took advantage of me while I was in a decreased mental state! - In the frenzied confusion of a garage sale, he got me to sell him my favorite painting for only $10. - The fact that it subsequently appraised for
dr010523 -- $750,000 is irrelevant! I only want it back because it is a portrait of my dear and beloved aunt Edna! - Ethel! Whatever!
dr010524 -- I've heard both sides of this case,and I've reached a decision...judgment for the plaintiff! - I object, your honor! This is a miscarriage of justice! - Mr. Drabble, YOU'RE the plaintiff. I am?? - SWEET!!! I hope none of my friends are
dr010524 -- watching this!
dr010525 -- Welcome to the antiques appraisal show, Mr. Drabble! Tell us what you have! - This is a painting by the renowned artist, Salvador Heyman! It was appraised here last week for $750,000! - I just brought it back to see how much its value has
dr010525 -- increased since then! - Mr. Drabble, I think you'd better sit down... Oh, boy! This is gonna be good! I'm in the money...
dr010526 -- Bad news, Mr. Drabble...this painting is not by the great Salvador Heyman, it's by SALVATORRE Heyman, who painted by numbers! WHAT? - Last, week, one of your appraisers said it was worth $750,000! He's no longer with us! - You mean it's
dr010526 -- WORTHLESS??! OH, I wouldn't say that... - The frame is probably worth a buck or two! AAAAAHHH!!
dr010527 -- Happy birthday, honeybunch! Why thank you, Ralph! - Did you keep the receipt? Yeah, why? - I'll need it when I return it. RETURN IT?? - You don't even know what it IS, yet! How do you know you want to return it?? How do you know you're not
dr010527 -- going to LIKE it?? - Did YOU pick it out? Yes. - - Thank you. - Ah...I see you bought my birthday gift at the hardware store! Do you know how hard it is to wrap a 3/8'' variable speed reversing drill?
dr010528 -- swim swim swim splash splash - swim swim splash splash splash - LAND-HO!
dr010529 -- Ralph, I'm glad you're home! - The sink is clogged, the dishwasher is leaking, and the garage door springs need to be replaced. - You also need to fix the ceiling fan and take out the garbage. - Whenever she says "I'm glad you're home," it
dr010529 -- means trouble!
dr010530 -- Hey, Wally! Hop on your ol' dad's lap! - skattle skattle skattle skattle - skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle - To Be Continued... skattle skattle skattle ...Sigh...
dr010531 -- Editor's not: In our last installment, Wally the Wiener Dog was attempting to hop up on Ralph's lap. skattle skattle skattle - In fact, while I have your attention, I'd like to point out that we editors don't get the recognition we deserve.
dr010531 -- skattle skattle skattle - You have no idea how often we save the cartoonists from making complete fools of themselves. skattle skattle skattle - Oh, sure...some of them can draw funny pictures, but very few of them know how to spell. Can we
dr010531 -- get on with business down here?
dr010601 -- Editor's note: You know, it's not easy being a comics editor. Long hours, little thanks. skattle skattle skattle - But without us, certain cartoonists would look like illiterates. skattle skattle skattle skattle ...Sigh... - Watch what
dr010601 -- happens if I don't make any corrections... skattle skattle skattle skattle - scatl scatl scatl scatl scatl Pathetic, isn't it? Som wat's you're pointe?
dr010602 -- Come on, Patrick! Be a hitter! - THUMP! BALL ONE! Good eye, Patrick! - THUMP! BALL TWO! Good eye, Patrick! - BONK! TAKE YOUR BASE! Good helmet, Patrick!
dr010603 -- There there, Ralph... - I'm so sorry! - It's a devastating loss. HONK - AllI can do is offer my heartfelt condolences! - What's wrong with dad? - He left his frozen yogurt punch card in his pocket, and it went through the wash! One more
dr010603 -- punch, and the next one would've been FREE!
dr010604 -- One "Happy Meal" for Penny... Thank you, daddy! - One "Happy Meal" for Patrick... Thanks, dad. - And a burger and fries for Norm. Sniff! - It's a sad day when you realize you're too old for a Happy Meal! Most people realize it BEFORE they get
dr010604 -- their driver's license!
dr010605 -- Here, kitty kitty kitty shuffle shuffle - These papers are very important to me, so whatever you do, please don't... - SLASH! - And you wanted to buy a shredder!
dr010606 -- I can't remember where I put my glasses! You're losing your mind, dad! - Norman, highly intelligent people can misplace their glasses! - What makes you think I'm losing my mind?? - You don't WEAR glasses! Oh, yeah, huh!
dr010607 -- I just realized something... - This thin layer of plastic is the only thing between us and dad's pastrami breath! - I'm getting out! Me too! The thanks I get for blowing up the pool.
dr010608 -- ...here's another thing I've always wondered: why do they have minimum-security prisons? - Shouldn't all prisons be maximum-security? Isn't sending someone to a minimum-security prison like daring them to make a break for it? - Sleep! Z The
dr010608 -- hypnotic effect I have on Norman comes in handy sometimes.
dr010609 -- OW! - My tooth hurts! - Chew on the other side! - It still hurts.
dr010610 -- Come on, Wally! Hop on your ol' dad's lap! - skattle skattle skattle skattle - skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle - skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle - skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle - skattle skattle
dr010610 -- skattle skattle skattle - skattle skattle skattle skattle - skattle skattle HOP! We obviously need to work on your hopping!
dr010611 -- I weigh 250 pounds... - Holding 4 donuts, I STILL weigh 250 pounds. - So if I eat all 4 donuts, I won't gain any weight! - SWEET! I'm glad you're not a dietitian!
dr010612 -- - - - OOF! Isn't it amazing how cats always land on their feet?
dr010613 -- - SQUASH! - - Remember your rule, Ralph...only one donut per day! Gotcha!
dr010614 -- - OOF! - Why does this cat always jump on my stomach?? It's kind of hard to miss!
dr010615 -- There's only one thing messier than the inside of our refrigerator! - The OUTSIDE of our refrigerator!
dr010616 -- Look at the sign on the back of that truck, dad! - "This vehicle stops at all railroad crossings." - Isn't that AMAZING? They can actually build vehicles that stop at all railroad crossings! - Talk about your technological wonders! It's a
dr010616 -- great time to be alive, isn't it, son?
dr010617 -- A new baton! Happy father's day, dad! - It's not just ANY baton... It's the one you asked for! - A "mall cop crowd-pleaser." Sweet! I've always wanted one of these! This is much better than my old baton! - How come? It's longer! - So why is
dr010617 -- that better? - Holds more donuts!
dr010618 -- So long, honeybunch! - I'm going off to work,now! - wiggle wiggle wiggle - Nothing says "I'll miss you, darling" quite as much as a pinky-fingerwave.
dr010619 -- Some men like to live on the edge, Wendy! - Some men look danger into the eye and laugh! We thrive on the adrenaline rush of a disaster narrowly averted. - All I asked was why your shoelace is always untied! I'm trying to explain!
dr010620 -- Food Court Pardon me, Ma'am... - I regret to inform you that your friend just swiped one of your french fries while you weren't looking. - Score another victory for the security cam.
dr010621 -- The following is a test of the emergency broadcast system. - This is only a test: - AAAAHHH! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!! - Thank you.
dr010622 -- Norman! Why are you ringing my doorbell at this hour?? - Well, it's summer vacation so we don't see each other every day, and I didn't want you to forget me! - You know the old expression: "out of sight, out of mind." - You're out of mind,
dr010622 -- all right!
dr010623 -- This is the most poorly run fast food place I've ever seen! The lines are ridiculous! - I bought YOUR lunch, but I didn't buy any for me! I refuse to spend a penny more than I HAVE to! - Sometimes I feel it's necessary to take a stand! - Mind
dr010623 -- if I have some of your fries? I hate it when dad takes a stand.
dr010624 -- - - OOF! - Isn't it interesting how cats always seem to gravitate to the person who wants them the least? "Gravitate" is a good word.
dr010625 -- Hello. I'm Norman Drabble. - - Hello. I'm Norman Drabble. - Sweet! I never knew I was ambidextrous!
dr010626 -- Son, before you walk out that door, I want to say something... - It's a dangerous and confusing world out there. There are choices to be made, consequences to be paid. - As you leave this house, hold your head high and be firm in your
dr010626 -- convictions! - What are YOU doing back?? I just went out to get the paper!
dr010627 -- Hey, there's the crocodile hunter!! - This guy's great! Every day he comes face to face with the meanest and nastiest creatures on earth! - Big deal. bite scratch snarl claw!
dr010628 -- Did we get a new table? No, it's actually several cases of soda pop! - I had to disguise it to look like furniture because we ran out of room in the pantry. - That's one of the drawbacks of membership at bulk club. - Careful...you're sitting
dr010628 -- on a year's supply of macaroni and cheese!
dr010629 -- How come you never see a fat ant? - You'd think with all the sugar they eat, some of them would have weight issues! - It must be all the walking they do! - What do YOU think? I think I'm ready for summer vacation to be over!
dr010630 -- Aw, mom...do I have to eat this stuff? - You most certainly do! Why? - Ralph, tell Patrick why it's important to eat this! Uhh... - Well, you never know when you might want to be a contestant on "Survivor".
dr010701 -- Ralph, I'm glad you're home! Tell me what you think of our new bedspread. - I love it. - You haven't even SEEN it yet! I just bought it this afternoon! - Go upstairs, look at it, and THEN tell me what you think! - - - - I love it. -
dr010701 -- ...Sigh...why do I even bother to ask your opinion? - That's what *I* always wonder!
dr010702 -- Fourth Of July Fair Oh, boy!! - - Now there's a man who loves cotton candy! Sweet!
dr010703 -- - HA! MISSED AGAIN! - Dunk Steinbauer Give someone else a chance, Ralph! Norm, go find the nearest ATM!
dr010704 -- Close your eyes and hold still! - TSSSHH - That's the stupidest face-painting booth I've ever seen! What do you want for a quarter? The Mona Lisa??
dr010705 -- What if Kathy doesn't like the baby gift I bought for her sister-in-law? ...Sigh... - Honeybunch, you can't worry about EVERYTHING! - Who says? - Oh, yeah...I momentarily forgot who I was dealing with! Just because YOU'RE a lightweight...
dr010706 -- Ralph, why do you watch the same baseball highlights over and over on the sports channel? - For those who understand, no explanation is necessary. For those who don't understand, no explanation is possible. - ...Sigh... - Also, the batteries
dr010706 -- in my clicker are dead!
dr010707 -- Help me unload the car, Ralph! Unload the car?? - I thought you were just going to the cleaners! - I was, but a great parking space opened up right in front of the market, and I couldn't pass it up! - I 'm glad it  didn't open up in front of
dr010707 -- a jewelry store!
dr010708 -- HUSTLE, PATRICK, HUSTLE!! RUN TO THE BALL!! GET YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME!! LET'S GO!! DON'T JUST STAND THERE!! RUN!! BIG KICK!! ATTACK THE BALL!! - OH, COME ON, REF! GIVE US A BREAK!! Gee, I never realized I was so vocal! Maybe we shouldn't take
dr010708 -- the camcorder to any more of Patrick's soccer games. - Maybe we shouldn't take MOM to any more of Patrick's soccer games!
dr010709 -- Norman, wait... - - Just as I thought...Wendy really like me! Just as I thought...if you hold Norman's head to your ear, you can hear the ocean!
dr010710 -- I think we should go on the roller coaster before the line gets long. I think we should go on the train! Or the submarines! - I want to see the characters! Maybe we should have brunch! Let's do the raft ride! We usually spend the first hour
dr010710 -- at the amusement park trying what to do first.
dr010711 -- Hey! There's no line for the log ride! SWEET! - Unsweet.
dr010712 -- Sodas 4.00 - Lemonade 4.00 - Water 4.00 - I love theme parks! The theme of this park is "we gotcha!"
dr010713 -- WOOOOOOO! - AAAAAHH!! - Dad's idea of a thrill ride is the parking lot tram. Is it over yet??
dr010714 -- I'm so upset! - According to the scale, I'm two pounds heavier than I was last week! - That's not so bad, honeybunch! - I'm two pounds heavier than I was when I woke up!
dr010715 -- Ralph, why are you vacuuming? - Why shouldn't I vacuum? It's my house, too! - I contributed to this dirty floor as much as anyone! The least I can do is vacuum it once in a while! - I'm vacuuming because I don't think you should have to do it
dr010715 -- all the time! - - And also because I recently discovered the cat is scared of it! WHIRRRRRRRRR!
dr010716 -- Having insomnia is the loneliest feeling in the world. - Everyone is asleep except me. - What did I ever do to deserve this? - Besides refilling my coke cup  nine times at Burgerland!
dr010717 -- Insomnia is a cruel thing. - I want to go to sleep, but I can't! - Few things are worse than being awake in the middle of the night all by yourself. - And here's one of them. What a coincidence! I can't sleep, either!
dr010718 -- Dad, the key to overcoming insomnia is to relax. - Reading can be relaxing. Here, look at a book! OK. - SPROING! YAAH!! - Why would you give me a POP-UP BOOK?? It's one of my favorites!
dr010719 -- I know how to beat insomnia...let's watch TV! TV always makes me sleepy! - We'll find something relaxing. Let's see...the shopping channel, the weather channel... flip flip flip flip - - Never turn on the surgery channel when you're trying to
dr010719 -- relax! So, THAT'S what a gall bladder looks like!
dr010720 -- Here's something interesting...a televangelist is exorcising the devil out of some lady. - Now, how do you suppose she got to the TV studio? - Is it really a good idea to let a possessed person get behind the wheel of a car? - Maybe somebody
dr010720 -- drove her. That must be like trying to drive a cat to the vet!
dr010721 -- Hey, it's the antiques roadshow! I love this program! - Hm...that appears to be a Baltimore Silver Moneith bowl from the late 1700's, worth about $10,000. - What we have here is a Baltimore Silver Moneith bowl from the late 1700's, valued at
dr010721 -- $10,000! - You're amazing! Thank goodness for reruns!
dr010722 -- Bank - Gas - - - - - OK, this is getting ridiculous!
dr010723 -- Sweet! "Leave It To Beaver" is on! I didn't know it was on this time of night! - This is the episode where Beaver gets on the wrong bus! - More popcorn, Norm? - I never knew insomnia could be so much fun! Say, I wonder if there's any ice cream
dr010723 -- in the freezer?
dr010724 -- Z - Hey, dad! Wake up!! huh? - I finally fell asleep!! Why did you wake me up??!! - I didn't want to be the only one in the house awake! Thanks alot.
dr010725 -- FWAP! Oh, boy! What was that? - The morning newspaper landing on our driveway! Let's go get it! - You shouldn't go outside looking like that! - Don't worry. Nothing moves faster than a man getting the paper in his PJ's! You shouldn't even be
dr010725 -- INSIDE looking like that!
dr010726 -- SLAM! - Norman, please tell me you didn't close the front door! - I didn't close the front door! - Good, because if you did, we'd be locked outside in our underwear! It sort of just closed by itself!
dr010727 -- I can't believe we're locked out of the house at 4:00 A.M. - What time do you say it was? Four A.M. - It seems like four A.M. is an important time, for some reason, but I can't remember what! - Oh, yeah...that's when I programmed the
dr010727 -- automatic sprinklers to come on!
dr010728 -- What are you two doing out here?? - Ada and I both had insomnia last night, mom. We accidentally locked ourselves outside in our pajamas... - And the the automatic sprinklers came on and got us soaking wet. - AGAIN?? This has happened to you
dr010728 -- before?? It hasn't been a good month!
dr010729 -- - - CHOP chop CHOP chop CHOP - Sweet! I always wondered what would happen if I reversed the direction of the ceiling fan! Turn it off before I lose any more hair!
dr010730 -- Hi, Wendy! It's Norman! - I just called to tell you that I'm now a TV star! I'll be on network television tonight at 8:00! - ...the program? It's called "Caught On Tape: The World's Stupidest Human Beings". - I'm the guy with the weed
dr010730 -- whacker! Are you sure you want to publicize this?
dr010731 -- The video store? - I thought we're going out to the movie theater tonight! We were, but then I figured... - Why would I want to go to a theater with sticky floors, uncomfortable chairs and noisy kids... - when I have all that at home?
dr010801 -- Video - - - 10,000 titles, and nothing I want to watch.
dr010802 -- The video store Musicals Horror Action Classics Comedy Drama - The video store if Ralph Drabble ran things  Car Chases  The Duke  Monster Movies  Movies With Pie Fights  Stooges  Guy Movies  Movies With Monkeys In Them
dr010803 -- When are the movies due back? It depends. - Really popular videos are due back in two days. - Less popular videos are due back in five days. - When is "The Revenge Of Ol' Yeller" due back? April.
dr010804 -- One of the great mysteries in life is how video stores stay in business. - They rent movies for only a buck, they have stores on every block... - And there's never anybody in... - here. Until six P.M. Saturday night!
dr010805 -- Shoes Running Walking Court Basketball Hiking Running Basketball Athletic Walking Skate Skate Cross Training Running Athletic Court Channel Surfing Now we're talking!
dr010806 -- Yak yak yak! . What did you say?? - Yak! - Thank goodness for Animal Planet!
dr010807 -- We have a camp fire and a bag of marshmallows... - Now all we need are coat hangers. - Found some! -
dr010808 -- How's this? - Keep trying. - ...Sigh... You're the only man I know who's so cheap, he makes his kids re-bend coat hangers after they roast marshmallows. I call it "The Gift Of Thrift".
dr010809 -- I've noticed that baseball bloopers aren't as funny as they used to be! - I mean, look at that...a guy fell down. That qualifies as a blooper?? What's so funny about that?? - The problem is, we've experienced a proliferation of bloopers over
dr010809 -- the years, and now there aren't enough ones to go around! - You've given this way too much thought, dad. I'm telling you, our society has been overblooped!
dr010810 -- Look, dad! The wave is coming around the stadium! - Big deal. I hate the wave. No baseball purist would be caught dead doing the wave! -WOOOOO!! - Unless you need to adjust your shorts!
dr010811 -- Hey, Norm, check if my breath is bad. - HAAAAAAHH It's fine! - Hey, Patrick, check to see if there's anything in my nose! - All clear! And I thought I had a bad job!
dr010812 -- Here you are, sir! One large peanut butter and chocolate with cookie dough! - What's all this? - What? This! In between the yogurt and the inside of the cup! - I don't see anything! EXACTLY! - There's a whole lotta empty space in here! - Now,
dr010812 -- show me some love and top it off a little! - That was only moderately embarrassing. The squeaky wheel gets the yogurt!
dr010813 -- What are you doing? Putting up DONUT DAY decorations! - "Donut Day"?? It's a new holiday I invented! - Donut day is when we honor and celebrate the donut by hanging out in donut shops! - What makes you think it will catch on? I'm counting on
dr010813 -- the support of law enforcement.
dr010814 -- August is the only month without a holiday, so I invented DONUT DAY! - The idea is sweeping the nation! The NATION?? - Well, maybe not the entire nation...but it's sweeping the state! - OK, the Cul-de-Sac! I'd be happy if it swept the porch!
dr010815 -- Son, I've been named GRAND MARSHALL of the TOURNAMENT OF DONUTS parade! - Grand marshall?? It's an honor bestowed upon the person who ate the most donuts during the past year! - YOU ate the most donuts?? No, actually it was another guy... -
dr010815 -- But he can't make it because he's having bypass surgery!
dr010816 -- You're going to be GRAND MARSHALL of the tournament of DONUTS parade?? - What's the tournament of donuts parade?? It's the highlight of DONUT DAY! - Every float in the parade is made entirely from donuts! - Yuk! I'll be on the float right
dr010816 -- behind the artery cloggers dance ensemble!
dr010817 -- OK, let's go over our donut day activities... - After the tournament of donuts parade, there's a donut eating contest... - Then we'll do some donut tasting, and finally bobbing for donuts! - Let the fethh-tivities begin! I hope he doesn't
dr010817 -- drool all day!
dr010818 -- For you, my love! - Happy donut day! Why, Ralph! - I don't know what to say! - It's a necklace made of donut holes! I just thought of something to say: eww!
dr010819 -- HERE COMES THE PLUNGE! HANG ON!! - HERE WE GO!! - - Next time, I think dad should sit in the front! Could you lean forward a little bit, please?
dr010820 -- Well, dad, so far I'd say DONUT DAY has been a big success! - Everyone has enjoyed the contests, festivities, and the tournament of donuts parade! - I agree, son. I think there's only one word that can adequately sum up donut day... - SWEET!
dr010820 -- There's one other word: ANTS!
dr010821 -- Hello? Um! Fumph mmph thmf! I beg your pardon? - Mmphh um pmff thhpff! I'm sorry, but I can't understand a word you're saying! - Hi, mom! Dad was just trying to tell you that he won the "How many donut holes can you stuff in your mouth"
dr010821 -- contest! - My hero.
dr010822 -- Ooooohh! What's wrong? I ate 3 dozen donuts, but I still lost the donut-eating contest! - Ralph, your doctor has been warning you for years about the dangers of overindulgence! - What would he say if he knew you entered a donut-eating
dr010822 -- contest? He was the winner!
dr010823 -- Whoa! I'm stuffer, but it's a good kind of stuffed! - Why can't every day be donut day? - Actually, with you, dad, every day IS donut day! Oh, yeah, huh!
dr010824 -- Well, dad, I think donut day was a big success. You raised donut awareness throughout the country! - Not to mention his cholesterol level! ...dad? Can you hear me? It's interesting how his eyes look like little donuts!
dr010825 -- - - skreech! skid! slip! slide! spin! - It's a good thing cats have no sense of embarrassment! CRASH
dr010826 -- - ? - Who in the world are THESE people?? - I've never seen these kids before in my life! - Why is there a picture of strange children on my refrigerator?? - Those are your cousin Bonnie's kids, and their picture has been hanging on our
dr010826 -- refrigerator for at least two years! - You're so observant! I have a cousin Bonnie?
dr010827 -- - - How come when I jump in an elevator that's going down, my head doesn't hit the ceiling? - Nobody ever says "good question, Norman."
dr010828 -- phhoot! - I need more lotion! - You're the only one I know who can use up an entire tube of sunscreen in one application! I must be losing weight! I got it all the way down to my kneecaps!
dr010829 -- Whoa! - Never eat a half gallon of cookie dough ice cream immediately before baking in the hot sun! "Baking" is the right word.
dr010830 -- BEEP BEEP! Whoa, I gotta go! - Want anything, honeybunch? No thanks. - Good morning, Mr. Drabble. 'morning, James! I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing that the donut shop sends a limo for your dad every morning.
dr010831 -- - - Look at me! I'm a duck! - No offense, Bob. I think I'll migrate.
dr010901 -- - WHOOOP - Haaahh! sssssssssssssssss - WHOOOOP - Interesting way of deflating the pool! It's my breath and I want it back! sssss
dr010902 -- Lackluster Video I'm looking for a movie that doesn't contain any nudity, graphic violence or bad language. Sorry, that one's checked out!
dr010903 -- BELLY FLOP! - SPLOOSH! - That was quite a flop! It was quite a belly!
dr010904 -- FORE!! - FOOOFFE!!! - FORE! - Ready to go play golf, dad? Yeah, I think I'm all warmed up!
dr010905 -- tokkl okkl - Let's see...that hole was a par three, and you took a nine! - What would you call that? It's not a double-bogey, it's not a triple-bogey... - I like to call it a "PAR²".
dr010906 -- Golf can be an expensive sport. - I can understand looking for a lost ball... - My dad's so cheap, he looks for lost tees! Rats! I wonder if I can glue this back together?
dr010907 -- thwak - crack! - - tokkl okkl - Suh-SWEET!! That was the ugliest hole-in-one I've ever seen!
dr010908 -- A hole-in-one!! Congratulations, dad!! I have achieved golf immortality! - Your whole life changes when you make a hole-in-one, Norm! - yeah, for one thing, you automatically get nicknamed "Ace". - Can you imagine mom calling you "ace" from
dr010908 -- now on? I was just getting used to "Grunt head"!
dr010909 -- - - puff puff - WHEEZE! - AARRGHH! - PANT PANT WHEEZE WHEEZE PUFF PUFF You look like a scene out of ROCKY TEN!
dr010910 -- Describe your hole-in-one, Mr. Drabble. - Well, I was challenging 152-yard par 3! - Taking the wind conditions into account, I used my 7-iron to hit a shot with just enough backspin to land five feet beyond the cup and roll back in! - Don't
dr010910 -- forget the part where it bounced off a condominium! Shoosh!
dr010911 -- Ralph, Golden Irons Country Club would like to congratulate you on your great accomplishment! - Aw, it was nothing Tiger Woods couldn't have done! - My tee shot landed on the green and took three bounces into the cup for a hole-in-one! - I
dr010911 -- was actually disappointed because I intended it to take only TWO bounces!
dr010912 -- Ralph, Golden Irons Country Club would like to present you with this trophy for your hole-in-one! - This is the greatest moment of my life!! clap clap clapclap clap - And now, Ralph, it's customary for the hole-in-one golfer to buy drinks for
dr010912 -- everyone! - Say what? So much for the greatest moment of his life!
dr010913 -- In keeping with golf tradition, Ralph will now buy drinks for... - Wait a minute!! My hole-in-one might not count! It was kind of a cheapie! - For one thing, it was only 152 yards! - So? Actually, it was even less than that because he hit
dr010913 -- from the ladies' tee! Yeah, so that's cheating, right?
dr010914 -- Ralph, it's customary for the golfer who makes a hole-in-one to buy drinks for everyone! - Sir, I cannot take credit for that hole-in-one. I had too many clubs in my bag, which, I believe, is a two-stroke penalty! - I have too much respect
dr010914 -- for the integrity of this great game to... Oh, nonsense! - DRINKS ARE ON RALPH! When I count three, we're going to make a run for it!
dr010915 -- All right, all right...to celebrate my hole-in-one, I'll treat everyone to drinks! - Follow me! - NEXT!
dr010916 -- You're up, dad! I know... - I hate teeing off in front of a crowd. It makes me nervous. - Oh, well...here goes... - WHACK! - AW NUTS! WHAT A TERRIBLE DRIVE!! - THAT WAS WAY BELOW MY STANDARDS!! - What are you talking about, dad? That was
dr010916 -- beautiful! It was probably the best tee shot you've ever had! - I know that, and you know that but none of THESE GUYS know that!
dr010917 -- Norman, what time do you have? - 6:42. Let me rephrase the question... - What time is it? - Noon. Thank you.
dr010918 -- Hello? ...oh, hi, Connie! Connie?!! - Yeah, she's right heeee...I mean... - She's NOT right here! She's...uh...she's...umpiring a baseball game! - UMPIRNG A BASEBALL GAME?? Hey, if you want me to screen your calls better, go to MIME school!
dr010919 -- Remember, the future is now! - That's not true! How can the future be NOW?? The future isn't NOW, the future is... - - - NOW!!
dr010920 -- What in the world...who's been tampering with my radio buttons? - Me. I tuned them to classical music. Why?? - I thought it would have a soothing effect on your disposition! But I like the oldies station! - So think of this as the
dr010920 -- SUPER-oldies station!
dr010921 -- - boop boop beep boop - whirrrrr! - ATM donut machines: an idea whose time has come!
dr010922 -- Don't feel bad, Norm... - I nicked my face a few times the first time I shaved, too! - Maybe he should've used an electric razor. - He did!
dr010923 -- Hello? ...oh, hi, Kathy! - Yeah...uh huh... - ...oh, really? - gallop gallop gallop BANG BANG Is that right? - BANG BANG crash! Hold on a minute, Kathy... - BOOM Turn down the TV! Can't you see that I'm on the phone?? - Now, where was I? IN
dr010923 -- THERE!!
dr010924 -- SHOVE! - Penny! Why did you push your brother?! - He pushed me first! He did? When? - Last February!
dr010925 -- - Why are you squinting, Ralph? - I just noticed that if I squint, you don't look half bad! - Why are you squinting, dad? I got socked in the eye.
dr010926 -- - AAAAAAHHHH!! - Somebody call 9-1-1! I told you Norman wasn't ready for double-sided tape!
dr010927 -- - - GRRRRRRR! - It's an unwritten law that any loose fries belong to dad. Well, write it before someone loses a hand!!
dr010928 -- Hey, Norman! - Are you here today? - Yes, I'm here. Oh. - You're such a nothing, sometimes it's hard to tell. Thanks for asking!
dr010929 -- brush brush style style - SIGH... - Gee, honeybunch, you look beautiful this morning! - That's known as a PRE-EMPTIVE COMPLIMENT!
dr010930 -- - Pardon me... - WHACK! - Tell me again why you thought it would be nice to live near a golf course. Mind if I take some mints?
dr011001 -- Wendy, I want you to be honest... OK! - You have a weak chin, you dress like a child, and you run like a goose. - Your eyes are too close together, and you sound like a girl when you sneeze. - This is fun! Actually, I just wanted to know
dr011001 -- which book cover you thought was the coolest.
dr011002 -- - - BLINK! - Oogie has a highly developed "Startle" reflex! What the heck was that??
dr011003 -- Sit, Wally! Sit! - Roll over! Speak! Play dead! Shake hands! - Good boy! - I admire Wally's independent spirit! skattle skattle
dr011004 -- Hello, news radio traffic hotline? Tipster Drabble, here. - I want to report a...what? ...oh, fine, thanks! ...yeah, they're fine, too! - ...no, I haven't fixed my leaky roof, yet. ...yeah, I finally saw the doctor and he gave me some pills.
dr011004 -- - I call a lot!
dr011005 -- Look, Oogie! It's a bug! Go get it! Go nuts! - Yawn Rats! - Oogie's getting wise to the laser pen! - Oh, well...I still have Norman!
dr011006 -- Honeybunch, it's a wife's duty to be supportive of her husband. - You need to stand behind me once in a while! - I always try to stand behind you, Ralph. - That's where it's the shadiest!
dr011007 -- Penny, I wouldn't run through the house with grape juice if I were you! - - - - TRIP! - SPLAT! - Penny! Didn't I tell you not to run through the house with grape juice?!! No... - You said you wouldn't run through the house with grape juice if
dr011007 -- you were ME! - ...which I didn't understand. If I were you, I'd be more careful when giving instructions to Penny! I would've understood me if I were her!
dr011008 -- Dad, is it too early to be thinking about what I want to be for Halloween? skattle skattle - Actually, Norm, for most people your age, it's about ten years too late! I need time to think of a costume I haven't already worn!
dr011009 -- Great news, honeybunch... - I've decided to get into shape! - SNORKK!! - Rats! I hate it when soda comes out my nose!
dr011010 -- Honeybunch, be honest with me... - Do you think it would embarrass Patrick if I wore my wrestling mask to "Parents' Night" at school? - Probably. - Sweet! Let's go! It's the job of every father to embarrass his children. ...and my dad's a
dr011010 -- workoholic!
dr011011 -- Quick, Wendy! Give me a pen and paper! - Thanks! - May I have your autograph? World's Greatest GOLFER Norman needs a "World's Biggest Fenderhead" shirt.
dr011012 -- My dad can throw a football farther than your dad! - My dad can make more free throws than your dad! - My dad holds the world record for stuffing the most donut holes into his mouth! - That always shuts 'em up!
dr011013 -- I don't know why you idolize pro golfers! I can't think of a more self-centered profession! - It's not like they're playing for the team or the home town, they're playing only for themselves! - And they plaster advertising all over their
dr011013 -- clothes and equipment to make even MORE money! - And they don't even carry their own clubs! - She knows how to ruin a Saturday afternoon!
dr011014 -- - - CLICK! - I WAS WATCHING THAT!!
dr011015 -- Beedle-eedle-eep! - Hello? ..yes, sir! ...well, actually, I'm away from my desk at the moment! - HE'S SITTING IN A DONUT SHOP READING COMICS! - Mind your own business! I reserve the right to participate in any cell phone conversation within
dr011015 -- earshot!
dr011016 -- - There's nothing like walking to class amid the falling autumn leaves! - - Now you believe me when I say you use too much hair gel?
dr011017 -- Dad, I need to ask you a question... - Promise you won't laugh! I promise. - Well, I... SNORK! - Sorry, Norm...I just remembered what you asked the LAST time you made me promise not to laugh!
dr011018 -- Daddy, is it too early to tell you what I want for Christmas? Yes, Penny. - - - How about now?
dr011019 -- Tell me the truth, Wendy... - Have you ever seen a more stupid-looking face? - Should I or shouldn't I? I could take the high road, or I could...oh, what the heck! - No, and the pumpkin's looking pretty stupid, too!
dr011020 -- Hello? Oops, I'm sorry. I must have dialed the wrong number! - I was trying to reach the... click! - - beep boop boop boop beep beep boop! - Hello? As I was saying before you so rudely hung up on me...
dr011021 -- SPLASH! - - - - - stir stir stir stir - - The key to a good glass of chocolate milk is using just the right amount of syrup!
dr011022 -- Aaahh! There's a witch's broom by our front door! - Relax, dad! It's just a Halloween decoration! - Oh, good! - For a minute, I thought your grandma was here!
dr011023 -- Bzzzt! The dishes are done! - Gasp! - RALPH!! - Well, how do YOU wash grapes?
dr011024 -- Norm, why are you driving so slow? Just obeying the speed limit, Ralph! - The sign said it was *40*! Didn't you see it? - The sign said we're on HIGHWAY 40! It wasn't the speed limit! Oh..whoops! - I think I made the same mistake when I drove
dr011024 -- the 101!
dr011025 -- That's it! - We will never shop in that supermarket again! - Good heavens, Ralph...are you still angry? - It's not like that was the FIRST time you've ever been accused of hiding a pumpkin under your shirt!
dr011026 -- write write write write Does the "e" come before the "i" in "weirdo"? I think so. - write write write write write - Is "nincompoop" one word or two? One. - I don't mean to sound unappreciative, Wendy, but it's really not necessary to write a
dr011126 -- poem about me! Quiet! I'm on a roll!
dr011127 -- - - - That's the worst mummy outfit I've ever seen! My costumer got dizzy!
dr011128 -- I just love looking at the colors of autumn... - The reds, the yellows, the browns, the oranges... - The blues... The BLUES? - Blue isn't a color of autumn! - There's blue on that bag of Snickers bars! Oh, THOSE colors of autumn!
dr011029 -- What's going on? Why are you kids camped out on our front porch two days before Halloween? - If you want any Halloween candy from Mr. Dabble, you've got to get here before he eats it all! - My reputation precedes me! So does your STOMACH!
dr011030 -- Trick or treat! - Hey, great costume! - You're the host of "Weakest Link". - Good bye! SLAM!
dr011031 -- Trick or treat! munch munch - munch munch crunch crunch munch! - - Sorry, kids! We just ran out of candy!
dr011101 -- Trick or treat! - Sorry, kids, you're too late, we ran out of candy! - Mr. Steinbauer ran out of candy, so he's giving away money! - Trick or treat! I know it's you, Ralph. I recognize your wedding ring!
dr011102 -- - - How come your little bag held more candy than my big pillow case? - You're supposed to take the pillow out. Oh, yeah, huh!
dr011103 -- Hello, neighborhood kid. I've come to apologize. - I did not have any candy to give you on Halloween because I selfishly ate it all. - Please accept this king size "ABBA-ZABA", along with my sincere apologies for being such a garbage gut. -
dr011103 -- That wasn't so hard, was it? One kid down, 112 to go!
dr011104 -- Let's sit here! - - Hhhhhey, hhhhhoneyunch...hhhhhhow lonh until the moooooovie starts, hhhuh? - I hhhhhhhope it's funny! - On second thought, let's sit over there! - It's good to eat a garlicky meal before a movie, so nobody will sit in
dr011104 -- front of you!
dr011105 -- I'm the new COURSE MARSHAL at Friendly Hills Country Club! Course marshal? - I'm the guy who drives around in a cart and makes sure play is flowing along smoothly! - Like my outfit? Yeah, but one question... - Why does a course marshal need
dr011105 -- pepper spray? Triple bogeys bring out the worst in people!
dr011106 -- HOLD IT!! - Ralph Drabble, course marshal! I need to inspect your ball! - It should be exactly 1.68 inches in diameter. Your ball appears to be legal. Congratulations. - Thank you. Where's your bag? I need to count your clubs!
dr011107 -- Remember, golf is a gentleman's sport. There is no need to act like a wild man. Sorry. - I know it can be frustrating, but losing your temper only distracts the other golfers! - As course marshal, my job is to maintain the peace. Understand?
dr011107 -- Yes, sir. - NOW will you remove the handcuffs? In a while. You need some time to chill.
dr011108 -- - SQUASH - HEY!! Wow! That's a pretty bad lie! I'd use a wedge, if I were you!
dr011109 -- TWAKK! WAA HA HA HA HA! - Oops! I forgot...the course marshal should never laugh!
dr011110 -- Did I overhear you gentlemen giving each other golf advice? Well, yes... - Did you know it's against the rules to give or take advice from your partner? No, this is the first time I've ever heard that! - It's also the first time I've ever
dr011110 -- been pulled over by a golf cart! The siren was my idea!
dr011111 -- A DAY AT THE GOLF COURSE... BOOF! - Pizza - Yakkity yak yak - - - - Port-o Go Nice out!
dr011112 -- What made you think you needed to shave before we went out? - Let's just say I like to look my best!
dr011113 -- Go ahead, dad...you can do it! - Congratulations! - You know a person is serious about losing weight when they can throw away half a bag of... - fries!
dr011114 -- "...and they lived all happily after." - Well, Wendy? How did you like my short story? Z - Huh?? Oh, yeah...it was very powerful! - It brought lids to my eyes!
dr011115 -- I'm so excited! How come, Penny? - Tonight is Christmas eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve! - No, it isn't! That's tomorrow! - Tonight is
dr011115 -- chistmas eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve EVE! Oh, yeah, huh!
dr011116 -- Norman, I've decided what I want for Christmas: a bike! - You better tell the fat guy with the beard! - OK! - Wait a minute...Daddy doesn't have a beard!
dr011117 -- Oogie has such a cute personality! - Cats do not have personalities. - Only PERSONS have personalities! - Cats have VARMINT-alities!
dr011118 -- FORE! - Mr. Drabble hit his ball into our living room again, Edna! I hate living next to the golf course! The last time he did this, he walked in here and hit it back out! - Nothing could be worse than having a golfer walk into your living
dr011118 -- room to hit his next shot! - Correction. Is this ball a Titleist?
dr011119 -- Dad, I think it's time you learned how to use the computer! - Forget it! No way! I'm scared of computers! - Come on, dad! You gotta get with it! I'm PLENTY "with it". - In fact, right now, I'm going to go listen to my 8-track tapes!
dr011120 -- It's no use, honeybunch! I'll never get the hang of the computer! Of course you will! - I'm too busy! You're NOT too busy! - I'm too old! You're NOT too old! - I'm too dumb! You're NOT too old!
dr011121 -- Give me one good reason why I should learn to be a computer! - Give me one good reason why you shouldn't! - Give me one good reason why I should give you a good reason! - ...Sigh... GOTCHA!
dr011122 -- Look at the comics! Almost all the strips have the same message... - "As a gesture of thanksgiving, please consider making a donation at www.networkforgood.org to help those less fortunate wherever you live." - What a remarkable coincidence!
dr011122 -- There's one thing even MORE remarkable about it... - It actually motivated dad to try to use the computer! OK, now how do I get my money into this thing?
dr011123 -- I'm 46 years old, and I'll probably only live for another 40 or 50 years. - Why do I need to learn how to use the computer? - Because it's about time you joined the 20th century! - Mom, it's the 21st century! I know. He has a lot of catching
dr011123 -- up to do! Tell me again how to turn it on.
dr011124 -- It's no use! I'll never get the hang of the computer! - Ralph, I was just at the book store, and I found something that might help you... - "Computers For Fenderheads" - Gee, thanks! I also got you "Table Manners for Fenderheads" and
dr011124 -- "Personal Grooming for Fenderheads"
dr011125 -- - - - - - Gee, what a nice guy! - He's only waving at you because he wants you to go first, you fenderhead! Aw, darn!
dr011126 -- Steinbauer! What brings you to MY door? - Official business, Ralph... - The Homeowners Association wants to know when you plan t o remove the Halloween decorations from your front porch! - What makes you think my Halloween decorations are
dr011126 -- still up?
dr011127 -- I'm telling you, it's a one-stroke penalty! No way! I'm entitled to a free drop! - Where on earth is the course marshal when you need him? - Sweet! A Callaway!
dr011128 -- Come on! Open the window! And give me my order!! bam bam bam - Why is the drive-thru clerk just staring at me?? - That isn't the drive-thru window, dad! Up here, sir!
dr011129 -- I'm going to miss the leaves of autumn! crunch crunch crunch - Won't you, honeybunch? - I'm just hoping you to fix the roof before winter! crunch crunch crunch
dr011130 -- How do you like Ernie's new car? It's pretty! - Check out his personalized license plate! - "Thanks Ralph" - Who would have ever thought a donut shop owner could afford such an expensive car? Have you had your cholesterol checked lately?
dr011201 -- Oops. - Three-second rule! - If you drop food on the floor and you pick it up within three seconds, you can still eat it! - Sweet! A french fry! I see you also have a THREE-YEAR rule!
dr011202 -- Hello? Is this the news radio traffic hotline? ...TIPSTER DRABBLE calling! - I'd like to alert your listeners to a potentials hazardous situation on the southbound interstate. - Somebody lost a Christmas tree, and it's blocking the right
dr011202 -- lane. - Whoever tied it to the roof of the car sure did a lousy job! Over and out! - Sorry. Didn't they teach you how to tie knots at the scout camp?
dr011203 -- To correct a slice, grab the club so you can see three knuckles of your left hand. - On your backswing, your left arm should remain relatively straight, but not stiff. - Keep your right elbow tucked in to within a few inches of your body. -
dr011203 -- Did you remember to give the busboy a tip? Of course.
dr011204 -- - Norman, you don't look so good! - I don't? No. - I've been meaning to tell you that for years!
dr011205 -- scribble scribble scribble - - - Just once, I'd like to catch someone copying my answers!
dr011206 -- I'm so behind! I'm not even finished decorating!! - I have more cards to address! More cookies to bake! More presents to buy! - I'm a nervous wreck!! - Oh it's beginning to sound a lot like Christmas...
dr011207 -- Nine ladies dancing eight maids a-milking - Seven swans a-swimming six geese a-laying boodle-oodle-oop! - Five gollld rings Hello? ...yeah! ...what? - Never invite someone with  a cell phone to a Christmas caroling. You're breaking up! HELLO??
dr011208 -- - OOFF! - Watch those baked beans! You ride in the cart at your own risk!
dr011209 -- Oh, look, Ralph! We got a photo Christmas card from the Bingham family! - Don't they look cute? Mmm-hmmm - There's only one thing I enjoy less than getting photo cards of friends... - Getting photo cards of fiends in EXOTIC LOCATIONS! So,
dr011209 -- when are you ever going to take US to Hawaii, Ralph?!
dr011210 -- - - We've accumulated way too many ornaments, haven't we? - Hand me some tinsel! Z
dr011211 -- Ralph, I told you to buy green beans! That does it!! - Every time you send me to the store, you tell me I didn't buy the right things. This time I kept your list as evidence! - Show me where on that list it says GREEN BEANS! Go on! Show me!
dr011211 -- Where? - Right here. Oh, yeah, huh!
dr011212 -- Look, Ralph! It's the annual Christmas newsletter from the Davis family! - I love to read all about their activities and accomplishments during the past year! And look how the children have grown! - Don't you want to read it? Not really. - Why
dr011212 -- not?? BECAUSE THEY LIVE NEXT DOOR!
dr011213 -- Ohboyoh, oyohboy! - I love eating at the buffet! - You can find anything you want here! - Except a clean plate!
dr011214 -- Hey! There's a present for ME under the tree! - It's from Norm! - What the... We ran out of ribbon, so I used cheez whiz!
dr011215 -- - Amazing! - Norman's eyes seem to follow you around, almost like he's a real person! - I AM A REAL PERSON!! Oh, yeah...I keep forgetting.
dr011216 -- - - - - Penny, why do you have two stockings? Because I have TWO FEET, duh! Now, how come I never thought of that? How many feet do you have? I don't know. I've never seen them!
dr011217 -- Hey, Wendy, I was thinking... - - - Is there more to that story? Not really.
dr011218 -- Say, Wendy, I was wondering... - How would you like to come over to my place for egg nog and fruitcake? - Then we could listen to my new CD... "The WWF Superstars Sing Holiday Favorites". -Let me not come back to you on that, Norman.
dr011218 -- Okey-dokey!
dr011219 -- Last year we had a white Christmas. - This year, son, it's even better! - It's a red, white and blue Christmas!
dr011220 -- Welcome To The Mall - Seasons Greetings - Holiday Spirit Violators Will Be Prosecuted - Happy holidays! 'atta boy!
dr011221 -- If I hear "Jingle Bells" one more time, I'll... - Griping about Christmas music in the mall? That constituted a HOLIDAY SPIRIT VIOLATION! - What's the penalty? Well, since you're a first-time violator... - I'll let you off with just "the
dr011221 -- glare." Please! I'd rather pay a fine!!
dr011222 -- The penalty for your first holiday spirit violation is "the glare". - The penalty for your second violation is a stern talking-to! - What's the penalty for a THIRD violation? Go ask Santa! Hey, copper? How much longer do I have to do this?!
dr011222 -- Urp!
dr011223 -- I'm home! - On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...a partridge in a pear tree - What the heck is that? On the second day of chistmas... It's a musical wreath!
dr011224 -- Kids, it's time for our annual Christmas eve tradition... - Gather around and I'll read "A Visit From St. Nicholas" - Whoa! - I hope I'm on the right page! Every year, he holds the book a little farther away!
dr011225 -- Daddy! Wake up!! Let's go downstairs and see what Santa brought!! Z*Z - Penny, it's still dark outside! Go back to bed! - Let me understand this: the most famous person in the world just snuck into our home and left us gifts, and you're not
dr011225 -- even CURIOUS?? - It must be awful being an adult! Some days are harder than others.
dr011226 -- KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK! - No-Neck! - I just came over to say thank you for my gift, Ralph! You're welcome. - In retrospect, maybe buying a scarf for a guy named "No-Neck" wasn't such a great idea! Now where's that step?
dr011227 -- - - - Is it wise to eat potato chips while your diet shake is blending? Don't worry. They're "light".
dr011228 -- * - Wendy, what's the date? December 28th. - DARN! What's wrong? - I missed an Oktoberfest again!
dr011229 -- Patrick, your mother informs me that you failed to clean up your room. - Unfortunately, I think you know what I have to give you, now... Gulp! - - Not the GLARE!! Believe me, son, that hurt me more than it hurt you!
dr011230 -- CHHRRRRRRRKK! - bubble bubble fizz fizz - CHRRRKK! - fizz fizz bubble bubble - CHRRK! - bubble bubble fizz fizz - CHRR WILL YOU COME ON!! - Now I have to start all over! CHRRRR
dr011231 -- ...3...2...1... - SWEET!! - Anyone care for a pork rind? Your father is the only person I know who resolved NOT to go on a diet this year!
dr020101 -- Wendy, it's 2002!! So? - This year is the same written forward or backward! 2002 - Do you realize how rare and amazing this is?? - According to my calculations, this hasn't happened since 1936!
dr020102 -- munch munch munch - - ZOT! - You scare me sometimes! Cheese puffs bring out the animal in me!
dr020103 -- I just found out they didn't need me to come in early after all! - I know. your boss called last night. Why didn't you tell me?? - I left you a sticky note! Where?? - Right there by the phone!
dr020104 -- I can't find my sunglasses! - They're on your head! Oh yeah, huh! - How stupid can you get? - I can't find my sunglasses!
dr020105 -- ...3...2...1! Time for another! - Dad sure knows how to pace himself! A box of donuts should be a marathon, not a sprint!
dr020106 -- That's a nice new soccer ball you've got there, Patrick! - You'd better write your name on it before it gets lost! - Patrick Drabble 555-3190 - If found, please return. - Who am I kidding? Nobody ever returns lost soccer balls! - Finders
dr020106 -- keepers, right? That's the motto most people live by! What ever happened to ethics? - On the slim chance that this ball will be recovered by someone with a shred of personal integrity, I can be reached at the above number. - But I won't be
dr020106 -- holding my breath! I said to write your NAME, not an OPINION PIECE!
dr020107 -- - YANK! - POP! POP SHATTER! CRACK BREAK! BUST! - First the good news: I took down all the Christmas lights.
dr020108 -- Dad, please don't get mad at me... - A accidentally put a scratch on the side of the car!! - YOU PUT A SCRATCH ON MY NEW CAR?? - Sorry. New?? We've had that car since 1978! That's new by MY standards!
dr020109 -- Dad, can I draw a sketch of you for my art class? OK! - - - What are you doing? Looking for your good side!
dr020110 -- ! - wiggle wiggle - - I don't know which I hate more: cats or bunny slippers. bite! claw! snarl!
dr020111 -- Why are you staring at me? - You're easy on the eyes! - STOMP! - Hard on the toes, but easy on the eyes!
dr020112 -- Mall Attention, mall shoppers...has anyone seen my riot baton? - I may have left it in the food court or the men's room! - If found, please notify officer Drabble. A riot baton should only be handled by a trained professional. Thank you. - I
dr020112 -- hate it when that happens!
dr020113 -- What can I do for you, Mr. Drabble? I'd like to discuss my son Patrick's backpack. - Every day, the poor kid comes home from school with his backpack weighing a TON! - I think the school is sending the kids home with too much stuff! KLUNK! -
dr020113 -- Mr. Drabble, I understand your concern, and I assure you we have given the matter a great deal of thought. - In fact, here is our district policy concerning backpack weight.  - And here's a booklet outlining school guidelines, and here's a
dr020113 -- study compiled by the board of education, and here's a copy of my master's thesis... - How'd it go? Don't ask.
dr020114 -- Dad, I have kind of a dumb question... - There's no such thing as a dumb question, son. - How does the snow know to fall in winter, but not in summer? - There's no such thing as a dumb question, but that one receives a honorable mention!
dr020115 -- Hey, this is January! - I need to migrate south for the winter! - - There.
dr020116 -- 'bye, dad! Have a good day! - - - Dad's the only one who would think to put a "club" on a box of donuts!
dr020117 -- knock knock ...Sigh... - This better be important, Steinbauer! I was right in the middle of something! - What, painting? - No, eating barbecued ribs!
dr020118 -- Look, Wally! It's the cat! - Go get it!! skattle skattle skattle - He should be there by Tuesday. skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle
dr020119 -- arrr arrr arrr arrr arrr skattle skattle skattle - Wally's the only dog I know who can chase a parked car and still not catch it! skattle skattle skattle arrr arrr arrr arrr arrr
dr020120 -- Darn, I got the answering machine. - Hi, Tracy, it's me! Is anybody home? Hellloo! Pick up the phone! - OK, I guess you're not home. I was just calling to talk about book club next week. - Did you like the book? I hated it. Actually, I liked
dr020120 -- it up until the ending. - Are you going to invite your new neighbor? Let me know so I can get a head count. - Anyway, I guess I'll call you back later. - Or you can call me. I'll be here until 4:30! - ...or you can just call me on my cell
dr020120 -- phone. Or you can just keep talking until she gets home!
dr020121 -- Z RALPH! WAKE UP!! - Huh?! What's wrong?? You were snoring! - Snoring?? I wasn't snoring! Then what do you call it? - Power breathing.
dr020122 -- Z*Z RALPH! WAKE UP! YU'RE SNORING AGAIN! - Put on another one of those nasal strips! - Another one?? Where?? Wherever you think it will do the most good! - He is SO not funny!
dr020123 -- - - z - WAKE UP! YOU'RE SNORING AGAIN!!
dr020124 -- Z*Z Ralph! Wake up! You're snoring again! How am I supposed to get any sleep around here when... - That does it! - This situation calls for a pair of ear plugs! - Much better!
dr020125 -- RALPH!! Wha... - What's wrong?? Was I snoring again?? No, you weren't making a sound. - THEN WHY DID YOU WAKE ME UP?? - I was afraid you were dead!
dr020126 -- Honeybunch, I don't understand it...every night you wake me up because I'm snoring... - And now you woke me up because I WASN'T snoring!! - I told you, Ralph, I was afraid you were dead! - Do me a favor: next time you think I'm dead, wait
dr020126 -- until morning!
dr020127 -- DARN! - I HATE this game! - I give up!! - After today I'm calling it quits! I will never play another round of golf as long as I live!! - Dad! You chipped it in for a birdie!! - Hello, Friendly Hills Golf Club? I'd like to make a tee time for
dr020127 -- next Saturday!
dr020128 -- ...and then when I got to junior high, my math grade started to improve and then... ...Sigh... - NORMAN, RUN!! - -
dr020129 -- We're going to be late for school! Pipe down back here! - Look at all the cars in front of us! What do you want me to do? - Maybe tomorrow you should get your drive-thru donuts AFTER you drop off the carpool!
dr020130 -- I'd like a cheeseburger, no onions... - One large fry, a medium root beer... - And a a chocolate chip cookie! - This is a toll booth. What would you like? Out.
dr020131 -- Waaaahh!! What's wrong? - The wicked witch is gonna get Toto! Aw, Penny...you don't have to worry about Toto! - This movie was made over sixty years ago! Toto is way dead by now anyway! - WAAAAAHHH! Oops.
dr020201 -- Look! Oogie's got her head stuck in a paper sack! - Don't laugh. - The first time that happened to me, it was very scary! The first time??
dr020202 -- Swish! - Wow daddy! You're pretty good! - Penny, inside this chubby exterior is a graceful athlete! - Maybe even a couple of 'em!
dr020203 -- Whoa! - I'm late for work! - I need to hop into the car and go! - HOP! - SQUASH! - I wish honeybunch would remember to move the seat back after she drives the car!
dr020204 -- So you're the famous author, huh? I'm officer Drabble. - I've been assigned crowd control duty for your book signing today. - Looks like I probably won't need my riot stick!
dr020205 -- Are you an author? Yes, I'm... Of course he's an author! - Why else would he be sitting here like an idiot next to a pile of books? - If you were smart, you'd ask him to sign a book for you! It might be valuable some day! - Fine! See if we
dr020205 -- care! But if he croaks in the near future, you're gonna kick yourself!
dr020206 -- Yawn - - What are you staring at?! He's just trying to make a living! Beat it! No looky-looking! - Is it my imagination, or do you have more books now than when you started?
dr020207 -- Hello! Are you really the author?? Yes! How are you... - ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY STAND BACK! LET HIM BREATHE! GIVE HIM ROOM! - NOT THAT MUCH ROOM!
dr020208 -- I'm going to take a ten-minute break! - Hold down the fort! Yes, sir! - - Hello, ladies...
dr020209 -- Where are all my books? I sold 'em all while you were on your break! - I also forged your autograph, since everyone assumed I was you! - YOU POSED AS ME AND SOLD ALL MY BOOKS?? NOW, SEE HERE... - Can you go to my signing next week at the
dr020209 -- galleria?
dr020210 -- - - AH HA! - Hold the flashlight, Norm. OK - WHACK! - It's getting kind of dark, dad! Maybe we should go home! I PAID for 18 holes, I'm going to PLAY 18 holes!
dr020211 -- You know, Wendy, I'm not your average kind of guy... - I like to think of myself as a bit more sophisticated. - A bit more mature, more refined, more... - SLUG BUG!
dr020212 -- - - What are you doing?? Trying to see if your belly button's an innie or an outie! Dad's whole stomach is an outie!
dr020213 -- - Everyone is sure in a good mood today! - People have been smiling and waving at me ever since I left for school! - flap flap flap!
dr020214 -- What's wrong, Wendy? - I'm having a bad day. - That's too bad! - The good thing about being me is, I never know when I'm having a bad day! There's a good thing about being you??
dr020215 -- ...55...56...57... - 58...59... - ...60! - What on earth did I do to deserve a sixty-second GLARE?? It involves a missing Eskimo pie.
dr020216 -- - AHHHHH... - CHOO! - Bless me. snorf!
dr020217 -- Get up, boys! I'm ready to go home! - Relax! That's just the 30-minute warning! - I've been coming with your mother to her aunt Nadine's house for years. I know how this goes... - She tells us she's ready to go and then she starts talking to
dr020217 -- aunt Nadine again, and looking through photo albums for another half hour. - I used to hop right up when she said it's time to go, but I've gotten wiser over the years. - I said let's go! Relax. That's the 20-minute warning, Patrick. Go get
dr020217 -- me another root beer!
dr020218 -- Have I ever mentioned how much I hate ducks? Bob isn't a duck, dad... - He's a rare south American parrot that takes on the characteristics of a duck for survival in the jungle. - If he's really a parrot, then we should be able to teach him
dr020218 -- to talk! - Repeat after me: "Here kitty kitty kitty!"
dr020219 -- If that bird isn't a duck, how come he likes the water? - I told you, dad! Bob is a rare south American parrot that takes on the characteristics of a duck for survival in the jungle! - What makes him think he lives in a JUNGLE?? - He's seen
dr020219 -- our back yard! And, from a distance, you sort of look like a gorilla!
dr020220 -- Are you SURE he isn't a duck?? Absolutely! - Don't worry! We know how much you hate ducks! - I don't really hate ducks! I actually kind of like 'em! You do?? - Especially with sweet and sour sauce!
dr020221 -- Dad's getting wise to us, Norman! He's beginning to suspect that Bob isn't really a rare south American parrot! - What are we going to do?? I think I have an idea... - - - Nope, I was wrong.
dr020222 -- I wonder if they're just TELLING me you're a rare south American parrot because they know I hate ducks? - If I ever find out you're NOT a rare south American parrot, keep two words in mind: - Duck McNuggets - OK, he must be a parrot. I've
dr020222 -- never seen a duck sweat!
dr020223 -- Dad, I learned something today that's useful to know. - What? - You know how the dashboard light comes on when you're low on gas? Uh-huh. - I dos covered that when it comes on, you still have exactly 38 6/10 miles to go before it actually runs
dr020223 -- out! My son, Mr. Wizard!
dr020224 -- Oh, no! Not the camera again! click! - click! Aw, mom! I hate it when you take my picture! - Why can't we do anything without having our picture taken?? click! - Honeybunch, why on earth do you have to take pictures all the time?? click! -
dr020224 -- Wow! Can I have this picture? Can we make extra prints of this one? Can I hang this in my room? Gee, I look good! Can I give this one to Wendy?
dr020225 -- - I've come to realize that I'm nothing without you. - I've got news for you, Norman... - You're nothing WITH me, either! Oh, yeah, huh!
dr020226 -- Here, Ralph. I just washed your St. Patrick's Day shirt. Hang it up, please. - My St. Patrick's Day shirt? I'm a little behind on the laundry, OK??
dr020227 -- May I help you? I'd like to return this book. - Is there something wrong with it? All the pages are blank! - I'm not picky, but when I buy a book, I at least expect it to have some words inside! - Too bad...the title "Daily Journal" sounded
dr020227 -- so intriguing!
dr020228 -- Sorry I haven't fixed the sink yet! I'm behind schedule! - Even Ralph Drabble is entitled to run a little behind once in a while! - That's the first time I've ever heard "Ralph Drabble" and "little behind" in the same sentence!
dr020301 -- skattle skattle skattle - skattle skattle skattle skattle - skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle Wally is an easy dog to take for a walk!
dr020302 -- There's a new show on TV tonight! - Maybe we should watch it! According to the ad, it "breaks all the rules!" - Big deal. - When a show can be interesting WITHOUT breaking any rules, then you've got something!
dr020303 -- I'm home! Say, honeybunch, what's for din... - Never mind! - The red apron: honeybunch's warning to keep your distance!
dr020304 -- - SLUG BUG! Ow! - What's wrong with you?? - Sorry...I drove the kids' carpool this afternoon!
dr020305 -- Cell phones in cars can be dangerous. - Both hands should be kept on the steering wheel at all times. - What could be worse than a distracted driver navigating through traffic with only one hand? - SLUG BUG!
dr020306 -- SLUG BUG! - - SLUG BUG! whiff whiff! - Missed me! If you're gonna' play "slug bug", sit up front like a man!
dr020307 -- - - SLUG BUG! - Using binoculars to play "slug bug" is frowned upon by most purists!
dr020308 -- flip flip flip flip munch munch! - flip flip flip flip flip flip - SLUG BUG! - Bug cars you see on TV don't count! Oh yeah, huh. Herbie, come back!
dr020309 -- - - SLUG BUG! BASH! - If you ask me, you both got what you deserved!
dr020310 -- - SLUG BUG! - - SLUG BUG! - - - Slug Bug! Slug Bug! Slug Bug! Slug Bug! Slug Bug! Slug Bug! Slug Bug! Slug Bug! Slug Bug! Slug Bug! Slug Bug! Slug Bug! Slug Bug! Slug Bug! Slug Bug! - According to the Slug Bug rules book, it's not fair to
dr020310 -- intentionally drive past a Volkswagen dealership!
dr020311 -- I think maybe you like me a lot more than you let on! - interesting you should say that, Norman. Read this... - WHAM! - OK, maybe dot!
dr020312 -- Come on in and make yourself comfortable, No-Neck! I'll be right with you! - Just don't sit in my favorite hair, OK? - how am I supposed to know which is your favorite chair, Ralph? - Never mind.
dr020313 -- A new set of golf clubs! rip! rip! rip! Happy birthday, dad! - They're just what I needed! My old ones were wearing out! - Sweet! Didn't we just get him a new set of clubs for Christmas? Dad's clubs always wear out in a hurry!
dr020314 -- A shoe! Gesundheit! - How could someone lose one shoe? Ha ha ha! I made a joke! - Don't you think you'd notice if you lost a shoe? Get it? you said "a shoe" and I said "Gesundheit!" - Norman, RUN!
dr020315 -- - Hello? Yeah...I'm at the library! ...yeah! ...OK... 'bye! - Excuse me...are you a seven-year-old kid with a cell phone? Yes. - That's what I thought! Oh, what now?!
dr020316 -- - ! - - Yeah, like I'd ever be coming to get YOU!
dr020317 -- We're home!  - Anything wrong, honeybunch? I'm furious because my day was ruined!! - I had planned to spend the afternoon getting caught up on housework... - But as soon as you left, my friend Doris called, so I wasted the entire day talking
dr020317 -- on the phone! - - Why didn't you just tell her you... - mmMMPF Gee, we're sorry to hear it, honeybunch! - Son, the key to a tranquil domestic life is to never begin a comment with the words "Why didn't you just."
dr020318 -- I started my new exercise program today, honeybunch! - I just walked one mile! - Congratulations, Ralph! - I parked half a mile from the donut shop!
dr020319 -- - - BOO! - It doesn't take much to startle Oogie! Or to entertain you.
dr020320 -- My hair is going...my eyes are going... - My reflexes are going, and my brain is going. - Who says you don't have a lot going for you, dad!
dr020321 -- Norm, I feel like dispensing some fatherly advice... - Step into my study! - Dad, one of these days, you need to get yourself a real study! Use your imagination, OK??
dr020322 -- Tell me, son...have I given you the GLARE lately? No. - - What was THAT for?? A father should give his son the glare once a week, whether he needs it or not!
dr020323 -- Step into my study, son! - Whoops! Excuse me! - Can't a person have any privacy around here?? It's got a lock, you know!
dr020324 -- - ! - - - - SLUG BUG! - Sorry, dad. I'm a weak man! Giving up "Slub Bug" takes a lot of willpower.
dr020325 -- Hello, Mr. Drabble. Why, hello, troy! What brings you here? - I'm running for student body president, and i need a letter of recommendation from a respected member of the community. - I'm honored, Troy! What made you think of me? - Nobody
dr020325 -- else in the neighborhood is home!
dr020326 -- In order for me to run for student body president, I need a letter of recommendation from a respected member of the community. - You've come to the right place, Troy... - Being a professional mall cop, my endorsement carries a lot of weight!
dr020326 -- - So does his patrol car! My wife's a comic, did you know that?
dr020327 -- So you need a letter of recommendation, eh, Troy? Let's see what we can do... - "I can honestly say that I have known and admired Troy for the past ten years." - Don't write that, Mr. Drabble! Why not? - I'm only eight years old! OK, I'll
dr020327 -- leave out the "honestly".
dr020328 -- "I heartily recommend Troy for the office of student body president. - "Troy will rid our school of corruption, increase teachers' salaries, and reduce class size." - How in the world can I reduce class size?? - You could be absent now and
dr020328 -- then!
dr020329 -- Try, with my letter of recommendation, you're a shoo-in for student body president! - Tell me what you think! - It's fine, Mr. Drabble, except for one small detail... - I never received the congressional medal of honor. Do you want to win
dr020329 -- this election or not??
dr020330 -- Fetch the ball, Wally! - skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle - BOUNCE! - Thank goodness for walls! CLOMP! skattle skattle
dr020331 -- - - - TOK! - Sweet! Oogie found the missing easter egg! Tomorrow we'll play "find the missing cat"!
dr020401 -- Not particularly. - Don't you think that would be funny? RROOWR! - Because today is april fools' day! - How come? Hey, dad, I think today's comic strip should go in reverse order!
dr020402 -- ...Sigh... - Why, good day, officer! - May I say, on behalf of the entire community, that we appreciate the fine work you do each and every day! - License and registration, please. Rats.
dr020403 -- Is this your correct address, Mr. Drabble? - Absolutely, officer! I've resided at that location for 13 years, and I could provide numerous character references! - Do you happen to know what the speed limit is on this street, Mr. Drabble?
dr020403 -- Speed limit?? Uhhh... - I'm hoping it's about 70 or 80!
dr020404 -- You were going 62 in a 45 MILE PER HOUR zone. - Were you in a hurry? Why, no, sir! - I was just on my way to donate blood and ten to do volunteer work at my local church! - I thought you were going to the liquor store to buy lottery tickets!
dr020404 -- Shush!
dr020405 -- Officer, I can explain this whole thing. Please don't, Norm. - The reason my dad wasn't looking at the speedometer is because we were playing "Slug Bug". "Slug Bug??" - Every time you see a bug car on the road, you slug your opponent and say
dr020405 -- "Slug Bug" before he slugs you! ...Sigh... - It gets a little distracting. In fact, we almost rear-ended a cement mixer! Don't come visit me in jail, OK, Norm?
dr020406 -- You were playing "Slug Bug" while you were driving?? It's addictive! My son taught me this dumb game, and now I can't stop playing it! - Every time I see a... - SLUG BUG! - Please tell me I didn't just strike a police officer! I think he's a
dr020406 -- highway patrolman! Step out of the car, please.
dr020407 -- Norman, I need to do a psychology experiment, Let's play word association! - I'll say a word, then you say the first thing that pops into your mind. Here we go... - Moon. - - - - - It shouldn't be that hard, Norman. Dang! Something was just
dr020407 -- about to pop into my mind, but you knocked it back out!
dr020408 -- You know what my idea of fun is? - Driving around the parking lot of the mall playing "Slug Bug". - Yeah..."Slug Bug" is sweet! - One good thing about being you, Norman, is that you'll never be a victim of identity theft. I also like to spin
dr020408 -- around in the back yard and get dizzy!
dr020409 -- bite bite snarl claw - pick pick knead knead - claw claw drag drag - I though cats were supposed to be aloof! bite snarl claw - It's your magnetic personality!
dr020410 -- - Hi, Wend- Norman RUN! - I believe i ending a boring conversation as quickly as possible!
dr020411 -- Hi, honeybunch! - Anything wrong? - I'm trying very hard not to be mad at you. - Something tells me you're not trying hard enough!
dr020412 -- I just realized something...there are a lot of rich and powerful people named "Ted". - There's Ted Turner, Ted Koppel... - - Larry King... Norman, RUN!
dr020413 -- WHOOOOOP! - Honeybunch... No, you can't have a bowl of ice cream! Woooooooooshh Whenever he asks to eat something fattening, he always sucks in his stomach!
dr020414 -- Norman, let's try again to play word association! - I'll say a word, and you say the first thing that comes to your mind. - Ready? Freddy! - What? When! - No.. Yes! - Stop! Go! - NORMAN! DRABBLE! - Sorry. Ouch!
dr020415 -- chomp chomp - munch munch munch - MOO! - This is probably a silly question, son, but how do you like that hypnosis book? It's fun!
dr020416 -- I know it's the right thing to do... - But it's so hard to say goodbye! sniff! - You were the best oven mitts I ever had! Mom, if you don't want to get rid of them, you don't have to! She puts the "mental" in sentimental!
dr020417 -- You were right, dad. It wasn't him. - Told you. - Well, it kind of looked like him! - Norman, why would Prince Charles be sitting in a Laundromat? It could happen!
dr020418 -- You know what? What? - When I was little, I used to think my teachers lived at school. - HA HA HA snicker snicker - You mean they don't?
dr020419 -- - I'd like a double cheeseburger, one large fry and a chocolate shake. - My car's in the shop!
dr020420 -- - Whoa! - You know you're getting old when you can no longer read the year on a nickel. - That's a quarter. It is?
dr020421 -- - - - - - Who knew THE GLARE worked on cats!
dr020422 -- You've grown another half-inch, Patrick! - Look how big you've been getting! - What are THOSE lines for, Mom? - This is where we see how big your DAD is getting. OK, so I've put on another pound or two!
dr020423 -- Don't eat it yet. It's very hot. - HAAAH HOT HOT HOT HOOO What part of "Don't eat it yet. It's very hot." does the male mind not understand?
dr020424 -- - - scoot! WHAM! - Oops. Now I know why my mom says not to rest my elbows on the table!
dr020425 -- Go here! Go there! - Do this! Do that! Everybody wants me for something! - There just isn't enough of me to go around! - Actually, dad... Oh, shut up!
dr020426 -- Steinbauer! I warned you never to darken my door again! - SIC HIM, WALLY! - skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle - That's quite an attack dog you have there, Ralph! skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle If you
dr020426 -- don't mind, Steinbauer, get a little closer to him!
dr020427 -- ...opens Friday in a theater near you! - This film contains intense thematic material, graphic violence, some nudity, drug content and coarse language. - May not be appropriate for children under 13. - Who would it be appropriate for,
dr020427 -- exactly??
dr020428 -- scribble scribble scribble - - scribbly scribbly scribbly scribbly scribbly scribbly - SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE - SCRIBBLE SCRIBBLE SCRIBBLE SCRIBBLE -  SCRIBBLE SCRIBBLE SCRIBBLE - You know, dad, there comes a time when you just need to accept the
dr020428 -- fact that your pen is out of ink. Next time, I hope it's before you shred the tablecloth! I just bought this pen in 1997!
dr020429 -- May I take your order, please? In a minute, you little whipper-snapper. - I'm still trying to read the menu. My eyes aren't what they used to be! - Let's see...I need something easy to chew. I hate it when dad tries to get the senior
dr020429 -- discount. At least he didn't wear his shawl!
dr020430 -- Excuse me...if you were my wife, would you prefer a funny birthday card or a MUSHY birthday card? - If I were your wife, I'd prefer a SYMPATHY card!
dr020501 -- Those two reviewers on TV gave this movie two thumbs up! - Does that mean it's only average? No, it means it's GREAT! - Why on earth would you think two thumbs up meant only AVERAGE?? - They've got four thumbs!
dr020502 -- You know that guidance counselor-type dude at school? - He says maybe I oughta learn me a second language! I think you should try to learn a FIRST language!
dr020503 -- Hey, this isn't a glue stick! - This is lip balm! - Where's the glue stick? - Thank you. Mmmmmpppf.
dr020504 -- RING! - It's for you. How do you know? - - Oh, yeah...it's ALWAYS for me, huh?
dr020505 -- I looked outside and it was raining, so I put on my raincoat... - But when I went outside, the rain had stopped, so I went back in and took off my raincoat... - But when I went back outside, it was raining again. - So when I went back inside
dr020505 -- and put back on my raincoat... - But by the time I went back outside, the rain had stopped again, so I... - NORMAN, RUN! - - Why didn't I think of that twenty minutes ago?
dr020506 -- ...OK, mom! 'bye! - Ralph, guess what! My mother is going on a cruise to Mexico! Great. - She'll be gone for a week! Good for her. - and we're going to baby-sit her little dog, Gig! WHAT WAS THAT LAST PART??!!!
dr020507 -- While my mother takes a week-long cruise, we're going to babysit her dog, Gigi! - No way! That dog is spoiled rotten! I will not have that yappy little dog in my house for a week! - I'm putting my foot down! - Oops. Excuse me. - Every time I
dr020507 -- put my foot down, somebody steps on it! hop hop hop
dr020508 -- My mother brought over everything we'll need to take care of her dog, Gigi! - Gig's bed, her special food, her blanket, her pillow, toys, sweater, shampoo, medicine, hair bows, nail polish... - And a video of mother saying good night that I'll
dr020508 -- play when Gig goes to sleep. - Did she happen to send an airsick bag for me? Oh, hush!
dr020509 -- Come on out, Gigi! This will be your home for the next week! - whimper whimper whimper - Oh, poor Gigi! Why are you so upset? whimper whimper - Maybe she just saw herself in a mirror! Poor baby!
dr020510 -- Ralph, we're only watching my mother's dog Gigi for a week! - Why are you so bent out of shape about it? It's not just me, honeybunch! - Our other pets are pretty upset about it, too! - Poor Wally's been trying to run away for an hour!
dr020510 -- skattle skattle skattle
dr020511 -- Hello? ...oh, hi! - It's our mother calling from the cruise ship! - ...Gigi? Don't worry about Gigi! We've got a search party scouring the neighborhood, and there's at least two hours of daylight left! - GIVE ME THAT PHONE! If worse comes to
dr020511 -- worst, I'll post a reward!
dr020512 -- Here's your breakfast, Ralph. - Thanks, honeybunch! - Happy mother's day! - PPPPFFFFF - The holidays can sneak up on you, huh, dad? I'll be back in about an hour! I'll try to act surprised.
dr020513 -- Oogie, I owe you an apology. - Over the years, I've made disparaging remarks about you, and I was wrong. - Since we've been taking care of Gigi, I've come to realize what a pleasure you are! pant pant pant After Gig's 8:00 bubble bath, she
dr020513 -- gets warm milk and a cookie! claw claw claw
dr020514 -- What's cooking, honeybunch? Filet mignon. - Mmm-MMM! It's not for you, it's for Gig. She has it every Tuesday. - You get the leftover meatloaf! - Ralph! Stop begging!
dr020515 -- Oh, dear! Poor Gig is upset again! pant pant pant Gasp! Gigi's upset?? Heavens to betsy! What could be wrong?? Was her filet mignon not tender enough?? - Did we not fluff her pillow properly? Was her bath water not tepid enough? Patrick, call
dr020515 -- 9-1-1. - For a DOG?? No, for your dad. Is our mattress too firm??
dr020516 -- The VET?? Why do we need to take Gigi to the VET??! - Because she seems upset! Mother said to take Gigi to the vet if we ever suspect anything is wrong! pant pant pant - We're taking her to the vet because she seems UPSET?? - In that case, I
dr020516 -- must be a case for the E.R. Don't forget your wallet! pant pant pant
dr020517 -- We're back from the vet! pant pant pant - He said the reason Gig has been acting upset is because she's in unfamiliar surroundings. pant pant pant pant - He prescribed a tranquilizer and said that it should calm things down around here. pant
dr020517 -- pant pant - Z So far, so good! pant pant pant
dr020518 -- Ralph, my mother returns from her vacation today! Is she going to pick up Gigi? - Yes, so go get Gigi ready to go! With pleasure! - This is the happiest day of my life! - Gigi?
dr020519 -- Drabble for three! - KLANK! - THUD THUD THUD - BONK - - - - - IN AND OUT! I WAS ROBBED!!
dr020520 -- Honeybunch, Gigi is... Ralph, it's my mother! Her cruise ship just returned to port! - Here...she wants to talk to Gigi! Gigi?? Uh...OK, sure! - Hang on, here's Gigi... - pant pant pant pant
dr020521 -- Steinbauer! You've got to help me find my mother-in-law's dog, GIGI1 Huh? - We've been watching Gigi while she went on a cruise! She's coming back TODAY!! - My mother-in-law treats that dog like a queen! Her world revolves around Gigi! If
dr020521 -- Gigi is gone, I'm a dead man! Gee, Ralph. That's too bad. - So, forgive me for laughing: WOO HOO HEE HEE HOO HA! Thanks for feeling my pain!
dr020522 -- GIGI! OH. GIGI!! You should offer a reward, Ralph. - That's not a bad idea! I'll offer $10! $10? Who's going to help you for $10?? Make it $100! - $100?? No way! That dog has already cost me a fortune in vet bills and filet mignon! - Ralph,
dr020522 -- you have one hour to find Gigi, OR ELSE! ...on the other hand, $100 sounds reasonable!
dr020523 -- Tell me, Ralph, is it $100 for the dog's return, or $100 for information? - For example, if you paid me $100 for information, and then I happened to find the dog, would you pay me ANOTHER $100? - Steinbauer, if I didn't know better, I'd think
dr020523 -- that you... - Excuse me. I need to check my barbecue! IS THAT FILET MIGNON I SMELL??
dr020524 -- Steinbauer, I believe you have information regarding the whereabouts of GIGI! - And I believe you're offering a reward for such information. - I'm not giving you any money! You're the one who told me to offer the reward in the FIRST PLACE!! -
dr020524 -- Uh-oh! Is that your mother-in-law's taxi I see? Tens and twenties OK?
dr020525 -- All right, Steinbauer, you win! I'm a desperate man! - Here's the reward money! - NOW TELL ME WHERE GIGI IS!! - Right behind you! Silly Gigi! She was under the bed the whole time! pant pant pant
dr020526 -- May I take your order, please? Yes, we'd like one double-cheeseburger and two single cheeseburgers... - Hold the pickles and onions on one of the single cheeseburgers and put the extra pickle on the double cheeseburger! Uhhh. - We also want
dr020526 -- one crispy chicken combo meal, but substitute onion rings for the fries and a chocolate shake for the soda. Uhh. OK, um...wait - Then we need one small root beer, one small lemonade, and a medium orange soda  with a dish of Dr. Pepper's. Put
dr020526 -- the two small drinks in medium cups because they fit better in the cup holders! Got all that? - Hello? - - This isn't the first time mom has sent a drive-thru clerk running for cover. I didn't even get to tell him I have coupons!
dr020527 -- Ahhhh... - There's nothing more relaxing after a hard day's work than sitting in the spa! - BiBuBiBuBiBuBiBu Can't you guys make the bubbles any bigger? Maybe you should save your money and buy a REAL spa!
dr020528 -- - POUNCE! bite bite snarl claw YEEOW!! - Good kitty! - GOOD KITTY?? You could've been a mouse!
dr020529 -- - - I could have daaaaaaanced all niiiiiight... - What a relief! I thought the coyotes had our cat!
dr020530 -- I'm home! Take off your shoes! - Why? Did you clean the carpet? - YEEEOOWW! - No, I lost a staple, and I needed you to find it before anyone got hurt!
dr020531 -- flip flip flip YIKES!! TURN THAT OFF!! - I can't bear to watch those closeup surgical procedures!! - This isn't the surgery channel, it's the cooking channel! - They're just stuffing a turkey. I wondered why the doctor looked like Emeril!
dr020531 -- Bam!
dr020601 -- I'm back from the video store! - Did you rent "Abbott and Costello meet Frankenstein"?? - No, I rented "Sense and Sensibility" - I hate it when mom goes to the video store! I'll watch SENSE but not SENSIBILITY.
dr020602 -- ...and the Gilligan said to the professor... - NORMAN, RUN! - Nah-ahh! You just want me to run away and leave you alone! - I'm finally wise to that little game, and I won't fall for it anymore! - Whenever I start to bore you, you shout "run"
dr020602 -- so I'll panic and flee! - Do you really think that I'm stupid enough to fall for the same trick over and over and over and... - - A delayed reaction is better than nothing.
dr020603 -- Hello, you sweet kitty! - Mommy loves you! - Why is it that you seem to like that cat more than you like me?? - For one thing, the cat cat doesn't shed as much!
dr020604 -- This golf ball is the property of Ralph Drabble. - If found, please call 555.6771. - You don't have a lot of confidence in your tee shots these days, do you, dad? Maybe I should include my area code!
dr020605 -- Hey, there's my ball! - I thought you sliced it way out into the woods! Nope! That is definitely my ball! - It should be easy to tell. You always write your name on it! - This ball says "Bob". Who are you going to believe, me or a ball?
dr020606 -- Lounging on the couch, watching TV! - How could you be lazier?? I can't find the remote... - Will you feel around underneath me and see if I'm lying on it? I had to ask.
dr020607 -- You need to put your dog on a leash, Steinbauer! - It's rude to let him run all over the neighborhood! - You never put YOUR dog on a leash! - Wally doesn't need a leash! skattle skattle skattle skattle
dr020608 -- Honeybunch, I'm starving! - I've eaten nothing all day! NOTHING?? - Nothing except for a Granola bar... - ...and a double chili cheeseburger! For you, that's nothing.
dr020609 -- We're off the zoo! - Whoops, I forgot my keys! - Oh, there they are! - Hey, where's my wallet? - Whoa! Why did I come back in here? - Oh, yeah, I forgot my wallet! - No, it's in my pocket! - Did I lock the door? Wha ton earth is he doing? I
dr020609 -- call it the "midlife mambo".
dr020610 -- Excuse me, sir. Are you officer Dabble? - Uh-huh. Mall cop first class Chambers reporting for duty, sir! - A new recruit! Welcome aboard, rookie! - Don't worry, I'll whip you into shape in no time! Here, have a corn dog!
dr020611 -- Excuse me, officer...can you tell me where the restroom is? - Certainly, ma'am. It's halfway down the corridor, second door on your left. Thank you. - No no no, Chambers...that's not the way a seasoned mall cop answers a question like that!
dr020611 -- - The correct response is: "What do I look like, a directory?" Repeat after me...
dr020612 -- Chambers the key to being a successful mall cop is FOCUS! - Never lose your focus, because... - Care to sample our teriyaki chicken? Don't mind if I do! - What was I talking about? I forget.
dr020613 -- Chambers, from 2:00 to 3:00, we're on escalator duty. Escalator duty? - We ride the escalators up and down to make sure everything is OK! - What could be lazier than standing on an escalator for an hour? - Oh.
dr020614 -- Chambers, the food court vendors like to have mall cops around. They like the sense of security! - Watch and I'll show you a little trick of the trade... - WELL, I THINK WE'LL MOSEY ON OVER TO MACY'S NOW! - You boys care for some pizza? How
dr020614 -- about some ice cream? Sweet, isn't it?
dr020615 -- It's been a rewarding week, No-Neck... - I took a raw recruit and shaped him into a real mall cop. - Isn't that right, Chambers? *urp*
dr020616 -- I can't wait to try out my new driver! - The "BIG BUBBA"! It's guaranteed to ad ten to twenty yards on your tee shot! - Watch this... - WHOP! - Wow, dad! I can really see the difference! - Instead of just hitting it out-of-bounds like you
dr020616 -- usually do, you hit it over the fence and into the parking lot!
dr020617 -- Son, don't feel bad because a girl turned you down for a date. Most girls would love to go out with a smart, handsome boy like you! - Well, maybe "smart" and "handsome" aren't the right words... - But I'll bet there are lots of girls who
dr020617 -- would love to go out with a guy like you! - Well, maybe not "lots" Don't always fell like you need to be there for me, dad!
dr020618 -- Norman! Don't chew with your mouth open! - That's not the proper way to eat! - Give Norman a break, daddy! - He hasn't had as much EATING EXPERIENCE as you! Who has?
dr020619 -- Hello, Mr. Drabble...and I wanted you both to...Saturday after...because I think...anyway and I also... It never fails. - without...clari...do no...love...base...febr...swing...golf...why not Someone leaves a long phone message, asks you to
dr020619 -- call back... - And then, at the very end, when they finally leave their number... - call me back at 362-mumble mumble mumble. They mumble, forcing you to listen to the entire message again! boop!
dr020620 -- What the... - Poink! YEEOWCH!! - The next time I have a giant hair growing out of my eyebrow, feel free to tell me! We were kind of curious how long it would get before you noticed.
dr060221 -- Boys, you've been watching TV all afternoon! - Here are a couple of books... - If you hear your mom come home, turn off the TV and act like you're reading 'em! - Keeping your kids out of trouble is part of a father's duty!
dr060222 -- Poor Bob! He always has that dazed and confused look on his face. - Like he doesn't know who he is or what to do next! - Kind of like dad on a Saturday! ...and then, after you fix the garbage disposal, the trees need trimming. After that you
dr060222 -- need to paint the patio furniture and clean out the garage...
dr060223 -- Hi, Ralph! - - How are you? - - You wouldn't be eating something on the new sofa, would you? Especially after I warned you never to do that! - RALPH DRABBLE, OPEN YOUR MOUTH THIS INSTANT!! - Nothing! - You are SO not funny! I just like to
dr060223 -- freak her out sometimes!
dr020624 -- Hey, what was that?? Wait, I saw Tiger Woods! Slow down! I think I saw an elephant swimming! Whoa, a baseball game! Wait!! - Let this be a lesson to you, son. Never relinquish control of the TV remote! This is known as "payback", Ralph! flip
dr020624 -- flip flip flip
dr020625 -- SLPOOSH! - - - Next time you do a cannonball, dad, tell us so we can close the windows!
dr020626 -- Three balls, two strikes...two outs in the ninth...here's the pitch... *crack!* A high fly ball to deep center! - OH, WHAT A CATCH!! Not only are you annoying, you're annoying at the worst possible time!
dr020627 -- Aren't you going to play golf today, dad? My golfing days are over. - I think it's best to retire before I start to make a fool of myself! - Actually, dad, it's probably a little late for that. Oh, yeah, huh. - OK, never mind!
dr020628 -- I'm not sure which ball is mine! - Norm, you should put distinctive markings on your ball. - That way, you'll always know which one is yours! - Is that why your balls all have stripes around them and say "range"? Uh...yeah, that's it!
dr020629 -- - - - Phone I know how you feel.
dr020630 -- - KNOCK KNOCK - -UH...JUST A MINUTE, PLEASE! - OK! - *creak!* - - Out of respect for the community, I always knock before I go outside in my underwear!
dr020701 -- - - Crazy Mirrors Come on, dad, put your shirt back on and let's go on the coaster!
dr020702 -- If you like baseball, you're RELISHING this game! - The sox trailed early, but MUSTERED four runs to CATCH UP! growl! - What is it about baseball that makes me crave hot dogs? It's a BUNT!
dr020703 -- When I was 8 years old, there was a cool skateboard that I really, really wanted... - But you said no, because it looked too dangerous. I was really mad and you said, "trust me, son, one day you'll thank me." - Remember that, dad? Yes. -
dr020703 -- Well, I just wanted you to know that I'm still kind of steamed about it. Thanks for the update, son!
dr020704 -- A picnic in the park, a ball game on the radio, and fireworks in the sky! - It's a great tradition, isn't it? It sure beats fireworks on the radio!
dr020705 -- I don't mean to constantly criticize you, Norman... - But I do it for your your own good! - Just think of me as the wind beneath your wings! - I guess that explains why I often like the cow in "Twister".
dr020706 -- Sometimes I wonder if I'd still be attracted to you if you liked me better. - I guess that's one thing we'll never ever know, will we? I wish you were a little more inquisitive!
dr020707 -- Norman, what are you doing? - Buying some books, dad! Why are you buying ten copies of the same book? - Because each copy is marked 20% OFF! So? - If each copy is 20% off, that means five copies will be 100% off! Therefore, the first five
dr020707 -- books are free! - Six books would be 120% off, which means the store now owes ME 20%! Get it? - So, if I buy ten books, not only are all the books free, but the store will owe ME 100%! - I'M GONNA BE RICH!! It's hard to believe that boy
dr020707 -- flunked algebra!
dr020708 -- Hey, dad! I'm going to pull an ALL-NIGHTER tonight! Huh?? - I'm going to stay up all night long and watch TV! Why do you want to do that? - Why go to bed? There's no school in the morning and I have no job to go to! - How many opportunities
dr020708 -- like this will I ever have?? Quite a few, I'm willing to bet!
dr020709 -- Are you sure you want to stay awake all night, Norm? Absolutely! - I'm going to stay up and watch TV and do fun stuff! - But rest assured that while everyone else is fast asleep, I'll be standing guard over our home! - Now *I* won't sleep!
dr020710 -- *Yawn* I never knew staying up all night would be so difficult! - My eyelids are heavy. Fatigue is setting in... - But I've come too far to give up now! What time is it, anyway? - 9:15 Maybe I'll go splash cold water on my face!
dr020711 -- Hey, dad, would you like to stay up all night with me? - Norm, need I to remind you that ONE of us has to get up early in the morning? - What do you mean? Tomorrow's your day off! - Yeah, but I still have to get to the donut shop by seven, or
dr020711 -- all the Long Johns get picked over!
dr020712 -- Part of the fun of staying up all night is watching scary movies! - They always seem scarier in the middle of the night! - YIKES!! - When Mary Poppins slides up th staircase, it always freaks me out!
dr020713 -- It's the middle of the night,and I'm going to do something wild and crazy: T.P. the neighbor's house! - On second thought, the neighbor's might not like that! I know, I'll T.P. my OWN house! - On second thought, it's pretty dark and scary
dr020713 -- outside! - Tell me again why you toilet-papered our kitchen. I'm a wild and crazy guy!
dr020714 -- OK, Norm, I want you to back up the car very slowly. - Slow and steady! Keep it coming! - Just a little bit more... - OK! Thanks! There's no such thing as an empty tube of toothpaste!
dr020715 -- Dad, you parked in a loading zone! - Is that appropriate? - Believe me, when your dad goes to the all-you-can-eat buffet, it's appropriate! Where's the pizza?
dr020716 -- Hello, newsradio? Traffic-tipster Drabble, here... - The harbor freeway is at a standstill, thanks to a jack-knifed big-rig! scribble scribble - Here you go! Thank you! - And would you please tell your listeners to quit bugging me for
dr020716 -- autographs! Hey, it's tipster Drabble!
dr020717 -- How was the movie, dad? - It must have been pretty good! I only left to go to the bathroom once! - I judge how good a movie was by how many times I had to go to the bathroom. - That's an interesting rating system, dad! A "one-flusher" is
dr020717 -- first rate!
dr020718 -- Tipster Drabble reports that traffic is light on the evening commute! - MRS. Drabble reports that she is very angry because tipster Drabble left gum in his shirt pocket again, and it went through the wash! - We advise tipser Drabble to take an
dr020718 -- alternate route home...preferably a longer one, that will allow your wife to cool off! - Those traffic reports give you a lot of information!
dr020719 -- Ralph, I can't believe you left gum in your shirt pocket again! - It went through the wash, and now the shirt is ruined! - How could you be so stupid?! I'M stupid?? - YOU'RE the one who married me!
dr020720 -- Ready, begin! - wiggle wiggle wiggle - wiggle wiggle wiggle - ...and rest! That's the dumbest exercise program I've ever seen!
dr020721 -- Looks like you're in the lake again, dad! - ...Sigh... - All right. Hold my hat, please! - - Dad, I know golf is a frustrating game... - But you really should quit throwing your clubs! Found 'em! Now let's go look for my ball!
dr020722 -- Smile, Ralph! - Hey, don't point that thing at me!! - Why not? Because the camera adds ten pounds! - That's not as much as the bacon cheeseburgers add!
dr020723 -- Say, Wendy, would you like to go out with me on Friday? - There is absolutely, positively no chance on earth of that happening! - No way. No how. Case closed. - So, would Thursday work better?
dr020724 -- Wendy, would you like to go out with me on Saturday? - Nope. Forget it. Absolutely not. - No chance. That's a negative. Sorry. - I envy guys who get mixed signals!
dr020725 -- Now hold still... What's wrong? - Norman's swimmer ear! - He's lying on his side so I can put drops in! drip! - I hope it doesn't leak out the other ear and get on the sofa!
dr020726 -- Norman, why are you lying on the couch? - I'm in discomfort. - I have swimmer's ear, athlete's foot, and tennis elbow! - And to think I flunked P.E. in high school!
dr020727 -- I drink one of these diet shakes for breakfast, one for lunch... - And then have a sensible dinner, just like the directions say! - So why am I not losing weight? - Maybe it's the box of donuts you eat for brunch! They don't mention brunch,
dr020727 -- so I have to improvise!
dr020728 -- putt! - - tokkl okkl! - I GOT A BIRDIE!! - STOMP - ...or not! Now I know why golfers need to stay in shape!
dr020729 -- There's nothing like being at a baseball game, Wendy! - Except being at a football game. That's kind of being at a baseball game because there's a lot of grass and people and stuff. - Come to think of it, a lot of things are like being at a
dr020729 -- baseball game. - So disregard everything I said! No problem there!
dr020730 -- Norman, is something on your mind tonight? - Well, yes, actually. How could I tell? - Have I been acting peculiar? No. - That was my first clue!
dr020731 -- Wendy, where are you going?? The snack bar. Excuse me... - You can't leave now!! Something interesting is liable to appear on the giant message board any minute now!! - What on earth are you...oh my gosh. - Wendy, will you marry me? Norman
dr020801 -- Well, Rex, a wonderful thing has just happened here at ballpark! That's right, Steve! - A young man named Norman has proposed to his beloved Wendy on the stadium jumbotron! - How romantic to propose marriage in front of 56,000 fans! - Love is
dr020801 -- in the air, eh, Wendy? It will be when I toss you out of the upper deck!
dr020802 -- Hey, that looks like Norman at the baseball game! It is, dad! - Did he catch a foul ball? No, he just proposed Wendy on the stadium jumbotron! - 56,000 fans are anxiously awaiting her reply! Come on, Wendy! Give Norman a big smooch! - Ouch!
dr020802 -- That didn't look like a smooch! That's gonna leave a mark! Let's see the replay on that!
dr020803 -- SLAM! I'm home from the ball game! For future reference, son... - Never propose a girl on the stadium jumbotron unless you're reasonably certain she'll say yes. Hindsight is 50/50.
dr020804 -- I'll take this one and that one! Yes, sir! - - What?? - Don't look at me like that! - Aw, heck! Give me all the rest of 'em, too! - I have a soft heart! I wish we could say the same about your arteries!
dr020805 -- You know, Norman, I've never thought of you as handsome... - But sometimes, if the light is just right... - And I squint and make my eyes all blurry... - On second thought, never mind! Wow! That's as close to a compliment as I've ever gotten!
dr020806 -- I'm back from the golf course, honeybunch! What was your score? - 107. Yipes! - Hey, it wasn't as bad as it sounds! - with a few breaks here and there, I could've easily shot 104!
dr020807 -- Wendy, would you like to go miniature golfing with me tomorrow tonight? - I'm sorry, Norman, but I already made plans to floss my dog's teeth! - Actually, that isn't true. - I'm not sorry!
dr020808 -- Wow! I'm impressed! - Hey, you must be important! - Apparently, it's now a symbol of prestige NOT to have a cell phone! Show off!
dr020809 -- Wendy, how would you like to go to the movies tonight? Sorry, I'm busy. - Next time you ask me out, it would be more polite to give me a little advance notice! - How would you like to go to the movies a week from Saturday? I'm still busy. -
dr020809 -- How would you like to see "Star Wars-Episode III" in 2005? I only said it would be more polite, not more effective.
dr020810 -- WHACK! - FORE!! - CRASH! - I hollered "fore!" It's not my fault if that condominium didn't get out of the way!
dr020811 -- Rock! Scissors! - A rock pounds scissors! I win! - - Rock! Paper! - I win! A rock pounds paper! - Scissors! Rock! - Scissors are more expensive than rocks! I win! - A TIE! I win! Boy, she's really good at this game!
dr020812 -- Before I decide which classes to sign up for, I always examine the professor's office door. - If the door is neat and empty, it indicates the professor is organized and means business. - If the door is cluttered, it means the professor is
dr020812 -- probably easy-going and gives better grades. - Who says I haven't learned anything at college?
dr020813 -- For the attack to be successful, the element of surprise is important! - I am clearly outnumbered. - Ten to tone! wiggle wiggle wiggle
dr020814 -- Well, hello, you stupid cat! What do YOU want? - Have you come to hiss at me? Claw my pants leg? Attack my fingers? - What is it you want?? - purrrrrr OK, now I know she's up to something!
dr020815 -- What's going on? purrrr . For no reason at all, Oogie jumped up in my lap and started purring! - That's amazing. What? That she's suddenly being nice? - No, that sh could find your lap!
dr020816 -- - ...Sigh... - CLICK! - It's very hard to fall asleep with a cat in the room!
dr020817 -- You stupid cat! How do you expect me to fall asleep with your eyes glowing in the dark? - Hey, I have an idea! Where's my nightstand? Aha! - Rats. - Sunglasses help a little, but not enough!
dr020818 -- RING! - Hello? ...oh, hi, No-Neck! - ...my TV? Yeah, it's on... - You want me to turn on the baseball game? - OK, now what? ...look WHERE?? - Oh, yeah! I see you! - Some people shouldn't have cell phones!
dr020819 -- "Cat Questions Answered" By Ralph Drabble - Q: Why do cats rub up against your leg? A: Because they're stupid. - Q: Why do cats purr? A: Because they're stupid. - Go ahead, try to stump me!
dr020820 -- Oogie has gone from one extreme to the other! - She used to attack me all the time. Now she just sits in my lap and purrs! How annoying! - You just don't appreciate cats! I do SO appreciate cats! - I think they make excellent tennis rackets!
dr020821 -- Ralph, I made an appointment for you to take Oogie to a cat psychologist! Purr! - A CAT PSYCHOLOGIST?? He'll be able to tell you why Oogie has been acting strangely. - I already know why Oogie has been acting strangely... - Because she has a
dr020821 -- brain the size of a macadamia nut! You're just jealous!
dr020822 -- I can't believe I'm talking to a cat psychologist. - It's a growing profession! Few people understand their pet cats! - In order to understand pet cats, one must THINK like a cat! - Excuse me...I have an itch! Looks like we've come to the
dr020822 -- right place!
dr020823 -- What did the cat psychologist say? Purrr! - He said cats gravitate to the person who pays them the least attention. Oogie has been nice to me because I've been ignoring her. - He said if I want Oogie to act like her old self, I should pay
dr020823 -- more attention to her. Did he say anything else? - No, then he sat on the window sill and took a nap!
dr020824 -- According to the cat psychologist, the way to make Oogie act like her old self is to pay more attention to her! OK. Purrr! - Hello, you sweet little... - SLASH! She's back! Yipes!
dr020825 -- - - - - OOF! - 10 9.5
dr020826 -- I don't know why you guys always hang around when I eat. - It's not like I'm going to share. - See? All gone! - munch munch munch crunch We get fat just off his crumbs!
dr020827 -- The first day of school can be intimidating. It's easy to get lost! - Excuse me...I'm looking for my history class. - Can you direct me to the social studies building, room 313? That would probably be at the college across the street. - This
dr020827 -- is a hospital. At least I'm in the neighborhood!
dr020828 -- Norman, I knew we'd be in the same English class this year, so I saved you a seat! - You saved me a seat? Thanks, Wendy! That means you really DO like me! - Then again, maybe not. Pip down back there!
dr020829 -- School has started again... - And I already feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders! - But then I realize... - It's just my backpack!
dr020830 -- Gasp! - Kids, with the start of a new school year, let's review our carpool etiquette... - Rule number one: when the weather turns cold and we can no longer roll down the windows... - No one will be allowed to eat onions for breakfast!
dr020831 -- And now for a newsradio traffic update... - Tipster Drabble just called in to alert us to trouble developing during his school carpool commute... - Apparently, if Travis doesn't stop kicking the back of tipster Drabble's seat, there's liable
dr020831 -- to be an accident on Oak street! - Sorry. Don't make me call them again!
dr020901 -- - - - Whoa! - - - - Few things are stronger than the gravitational pull of a donut shop! Especially when you're on a diet, huh, dad!
dr020902 -- Hang on, big fella! Everything's gonna' be all right! - I've got wet towels to keep you cool! - As soon as the crane gets here, we'll try to get you back in the water! pat pat pat What luck to run into Steinbauer at the beach!
dr020903 -- I think you should tell your wife how you feel. Thanks for the advice, doctor! - But now let me get to the reason I've come to see you...I have an ingrown toenail, see, and... - I'm not a PODIATRIST, Mr. Drabble...I'm a PSYCHOLOGIST! You
dr020903 -- are? - I wish the phone book used a larger print! You may also need an optometrist!
dr020904 -- - Oof! - Just walking into a home improvement store causes my back to go out!
dr020905 -- WAAA! What's wrong, Penny? - Daddy told me Scooby-Doo died! - Ralph, why would you tell Penny that Scooby-Doo died? - I told her I once scuba-dived! Did somebody say Scooby-Doo died??
dr020906 -- I can't believe it's already September! - My summer tan is already gone! - I wish MINE was! I told you to take off those stupid sunglasses!
dr020907 -- - Thanks, Norm! - I always knew you'd come in handy! - putt! Norman Drabble: human ball marker.
dr020908 -- - - - - - - - We should spend the day together more often, dad! I have an idea: let's get another donut!
dr020909 -- Morning, Steinbauer, how's my favorite neighbor? - What are you asking ME for, Ralph? Because you're my favorite neighbor! - That's one of the things I admire about you-your sense of modesty! - Aren't you the same guy who called police
dr020909 -- because my wind chime was too loud? - Ha ha ha! That's another thing I admire about you, Steinbauer! You have a fantastic memory!
dr020910 -- Good morning, Steinbauer! I brought you some fresh cinnamon rolls! - What's going on, Ralph? If I didn't know better, I'd think you were trying to kiss-up me! - Me?? Kiss up??? HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA - Steinbauer, I can
dr020910 -- honestly say that you have the quickest wit in America!
dr020911 -- Ralph, does your sudden neighborliness have anything to do with the sign in my front yard? Sing?? - Another Pool By Polecat Pools Are you trying to weasel an invitation to swim in my new pool? - Gee, I didn't realize that! - Then why did you
dr020911 -- come here in fins? They provide excellent arch support!
dr020912 -- I see your new pool's all finished, Steinbauer! - Wow! It's got everything! Waterfall, hot tub, slide...I'll bet it's going to be great for entertaining! - If I had a pool like that, the first thing I'd want to do is invite the neighbors over
dr020912 -- to enjoy it with me! - Subtle as a train wreck, Ralph! Did I mention I got a snorkel for Christmas?
dr010913 -- Boy, this is the life, Ralph! - Too bad you've been  such a creep over the years, or I'd invite you in for a dip! - Creep???! Who's the guy who picked up your newspaper every day when you were on vacation? You. - You also pick up my newspaper
dr010913 -- every day when I'm NOT on vacation! Yeah, but I usually put most of it back!
dr010914 -- You shouldn't stare into Mr. Steinbauer's back yard, dad. It's not polite! I don't care. - I'm going to start at his new pool until he invites me over to go swimming. - Eventually, my sad and forlorn look will make him feel guilty! SPLOOSH! -
dr010914 -- I don't think it's working. Nice cannonball!
dr010915 -- That'll be one dollar. All I have is a $20 bill. - - - - KA-CHING! - Nineteen dollars is your change. - ...17, 18, 19. What's the matter? Don't you trust me?
dr020916 -- No-Neck! Why are you in Steinbauer's new pool? - He invited a bunch of people over to go swimming today! - He said he invited practically everyone in town! - How come YOU'RE not over here, Ralph? I'm the "practically".
dr020917 -- Hello, police? This is Ralph Drabble. I'd like to report a public nuisance! - My neighbor, George Steinbauer, is having a wild pool party. It's well after six P.M. and I'm sure there must be a curfew in effect? - No?? Well maybe I should
dr020917 -- speak to the chief! ...he's what? ...OK, never mind. - The chief is at Steinbauer's pool party!
dr020918 -- MARCO! POLO! - Did somebody call me? - Buzz off, Ralph! We're trying to play "Marco Polo". Oh. - From a distance, it sounded like "Come over and go swimming, Ralph!" I need a taller fence!
dr020919 -- Steinbauer, if you don't want to invite me to go swimming in your new pool, that's fine with me! - Who needs your pool? I've got my own pool, and it's just as wet as yours! - Right, guys? Actually, dad, I don't think there's any water left in
dr020919 -- here!
dr020920 -- I can't believe Steinbauer would build a new pool and not invite me swimming! - Then, to add insult to injury, he throws a big pool party and invites everyone except me and my family! - If it makes you feel any better, dad, YOU'RE the only
dr020920 -- one he didn't invite! Thanks for the clarification, son.
dr020921 -- Steinbauer, what do YOU want? - I want to invite you to go swimming in my new pool! - I've been feeling ashamed. I'm sorry I didn't invite you sooner! sniff! - I'm sorry too, Steinbauer! What are YOU sorry about? - I snuck into your yard last
dr020921 -- night and stocked your new pool with trout! YOU WHAT??
dr020922 -- Mmm-boy! - Mind if I cut myself a slice of cake, honeybunch? - Better make it a SMALL slice! Remember, you're on a diet! - What constitutes a "small" slice? No more than one inch thick! - - -
dr020923 -- YES!!! - I can't believe it!! This is the greatest day of my life!! - They're building a "Krunchy Kakes" donut shop two blocks from my home!! I haven't seen dad this excited since he saw Jim Rome at the mall!
dr020924 -- I've got my tent, sleeping bag, lantern, canteen... - So long, honeybunch! See you in about a month! - Their first customer wins free donuts for life!
dr020925 -- Dad, I know you're excited about the new "Krunchy Kakes" donut shop, but why are you camping out?? Because their first customer will receive free donuts for life! - But, it's going to be a long time before this place is finished! Can you
dr020925 -- afford to take this much time off work? - I've dome the math...the money I'll save on lifetime donuts will more than compensate for my lost wages!
dr020926 -- Hi, dad! How's the camp-out going? It's exciting! - When these "Krunchy Kakes" opens its doors, I'll be their first customer and win free donuts for life!! - By the way, ho's everything at home? Mom says it's not the same around the house
dr020926 -- without you. - So she put the philodendron in your easy chair and said that's pretty close! I'm glad she still has that wonderful sense of humor.
dr020927 -- Well, Norm, the grand opening is at hand! - I'll be their first customer, and thereby win free donuts for the rest of my life! - There will undoubtedly be media coverage, so I should go freshen up! - Hold my place in line, Norm! You can count
dr020927 -- on me, dad! 'scuse me.
dr020928 -- What the... Dad, I have some bad news and some good news... - The bad news is, I inadvertently stepped out of line and lost your place... - So you won't be receiving a lifetime supply of free donuts! - But here's the good news: As the 513th
dr020928 -- customer, you are entitled to one free donut hole!
dr020929 -- Z - - - - I wonder what Oogie dreams about? I don't know, but I bet it's stupid!
dr020930 -- BAM ping BONG BANG! thump! PING bang BAM bong - BONG bam boom bam BING! thunk BAM ping Well, now we know... - We can wash our golf balls in the washing machine, but we shouldn't put them in the dryer! BAM! ping bam BANG boom ding thunk BAM
dr020930 -- ping I SHOULD NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE, SHOULD I??
dr021001 -- $1000 fine for littering - Dad, I just saw a sign that said "1,000 Fine For Littering". So? - It seems to me that $1,000 would be fine for a lot of things, but littering isn't one of them! - Besides, why would anyone throw that much money out
dr021001 -- the window? Sometimes I feel like that's what I'm doing with your college tuition!
dr021002 -- - PRESENT DAY - Daddy, what does that say? "Present Day". - Does that mean it's supposed to be Christmas?
dr021003 -- Wow! - Daddy, I just saw a commercial for something amazing! What's that, Penny? - A toothpaste that promises to give you WIDER TEETH! - I'm afraid wider teeth would make my head hurt! You've been hanging around Norman too long!
dr021004 -- Whenever I'm waiting in a doctor's office, I'm afraid someone contagious will sit next to me! - - HACK HACK COUGH WHEEZE - The best defense is a good offense!
dr021005 -- - What part of "Ralph, take out the garbage" did you not understand? - Huh? - What part of "What part of 'Ralph, take out the garbage" did you not understand?" did you not understand? Ow!
dr021006 -- Dad! What? - Daddy! What? - Hey, dad! What? - Daddy! What? - Can we rent "Cinderella"? Sure, Penny! - Just keep answering and you'll eventually answer the right kid! Dad!
dr021007 -- !!!!! - !!!! - !!!!!! -
dr021008 -- I never set foot in a doctor's office until I was 35 years old. - By the time I was 40, I was going to the doctor's office once a year. - And now that I'm over 45... - RALPH!
dr021009 -- - Help! - Over you go! FLIP! - Thanks! I'm always glad to help a victim of "backpack rollover".
dr021010 -- I'm going out tonight, dad! Just remember one thing, son... - - Yes, sir! - A father's glare is worth a hundred admonitions!
dr021011 -- Patrick, do we have a leaf blower? Yeah, it's in the garage. - Did dad ask you to do some yard work? Nope... - He asked me to clean out the inside of the car! whirrrrrr!
dr021012 -- A leaf blower?? What a dumb way to clean out the car! - How else could I get rid of all those food crumbs? Do what I do... - Put Wally in there for a few minutes!
dr021013 -- Welcome to Yougurt Land! - You must be new here! Yes, it's my first day! - Well, I'd like a large chocolate, peanut butter, and vanilla, with cookie crumbs in the middle. - HA HA HA HA HA - What's so funny? When you were walking up, Linda
dr021013 -- told me exactly what you would order! - She said you come in every day and order the exact same thing. HA HA HA - Did she also tell you that I was going to leave you a fifty-cent tip? Yes! - Well, she was wrong about that!
dr021014 -- Men - You know that sign in the rest room that says "Employees must wash hands"? Yes. - Does that mean you don't have to wash your hand's if you're not an employee? No. - OK, I'll be right back! I may not be here.
dr021015 -- SCAT, YOU FILTHY WATERFOWL!! flap flap flap - Keep your stupid duck out of my pool , Ralph! - Bob isn't a duck, Steinbauer! He's a rare south America parrot that takes on the characteristics of a duck for survival in the jungle! - You're out
dr021015 -- of your mind! Don't you ever watch ANIMAL PLANET??
dr021016 -- squeeeze! - SCARF scarf SCARF scarf - Rats! The ice cream topping is supposed to harden into a chocolate shell, but it never works! - That's because you have to GIVE it a few seconds, dad! Did you inhale your spoon again, dear?
dr021017 -- scarf scarf scarf scarf - The way dad eats ice cream, I'm surprised he never gets a headache! He eats it so fast, his head never knows what hit it! That was good, I think!
dr021018 -- I still don't understand it...how can dad eat ice cream so fast and never get "brain freeze"? scarf scarf scarf  - Probably the same reason he never gets "hat hair! Whoa! I think mom just called you bald and stupid! She's on a roll!
dr021019 -- Hey, this looks good... - The Cajun rib-eye steak, marinated for 36 hours in Cajun herbs and spices! - That's what I want! Very good, sir! - It will be ready next Tuesday!
dr021020 -- Practice Green - ROLL, BABY! ROLL! - SIT DOWN, DARLIN'! DON'T BE AFRAID OF THE DARK!! - YES! tokkl okkl! - I sank it from 50 feet! - That putt was almost perfect! - Why just "almost"? - I was aiming for this hole over here.
dr021021 -- What an amazing story... - A family moved to another state and left their cat behind. - The cat walked over 300 miles and somehow found them! - I wonder if Oogie would be able to do that? I'd be willing to give it a try! pick! pick! shred!
dr021022 -- Good night, honeybunch! - ? - Why do you have a no-snoring strip UNDER your nose? click! - I cut myself shaving and we're out of bandages!
dr021023 -- I can't believe how heavy my backpack is! It must weigh fifty pounds! - I'm going to put it on the scale and find out! - Only TWO POUNDS?? Dad's scale is not known for its accuracy. Are you insinuating that my correct weight is not 175
dr021023 -- pounds?
dr021024 -- Holy cow! No wonder your backpack is so heavy! - Look at the size of this textbook! - My history book wasn't this big when I was a kid! - There wasn't as much history when you were a kid!
dr021025 -- Let's pick out a big one! Yeah, a REALLY big one! As big as dad's head! - As big as his STOMACH! Well, let's not get carried away. - Yeah, a pumpkin that size would be way too expensive!
dr021026 -- This movie isn't scary. - Of COURSE it's scary! It's "THE CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON"! This movie scared me to death when I was a kid! - What's so scary about it? LOOK AT HIM! HE'S A FISH GUY!! - *yawn* It's hard to frighten kids who've
dr021026 -- grown up watching TV news!
dr021027 -- How about an astronaut? Nope. I've been that before. - A skeleton? Been that. - A vampire? A cowboy? Been there, done that. - Have you been a dice cube? Frankenstein? Yup. Been those! - Superman? Spiderman? Batman? Yup. Yup. Yup. - A thought
dr021027 -- occurs to me... - When you can't think of anything new to be for Halloween, maybe it means you're too old for trick.or-treating! I know! I'll be the other dice cube!
dr021028 -- Z - - GAAAAAHH! - A SCARECROW?? It kept you out of the Halloween candy, didn't it?
dr021029 -- You know how your father tends to eat all the candy before Halloween? Yes. - Well, this year I outsmarted him! Instead of candy, I bought BUBBLE GUM! - There's no way he'd ever chew the entire... - Never mind.
dr021030 -- TRICK OR TREAT! Yikes! Zombies and ghouls! - Sic 'em, Wally! - AAAAHH! skattle skattle skattle skattle - I didn't have the heart to tell them I ate all the Halloween candy! skattle skattle skattle
dr021031 -- Thank you, Mr. Drabble! You're welcome! - I thought Mr. Drabble wasn't giving away treats because he ate them all! That's true. - Then how did you get all that candy and stuff? He's letting us rummage between his sofa cushions and keep
dr021031 -- whatever we find! Next kid, come on in!
dr021101 -- Here's half of our Halloween candy, dad! - We figured we'd just give it to you now to save you the shame and embarrassment of swiping it while we're asleep! - You kids sure know how to take the fun out of things!
dr021102 -- Nothing is quite as sad as seeing a jack-o'-lantern on the front porch two days after Halloween! - Except, perhaps, seeing Christmas lights on our house 312 days after Christmas! I know, I know...that's next on my "to do" list!
dr021103 -- What on earth...? - Patrick and I are going to the football game, mom! And we're going to try to get on TV! - You know how some fans paint letters on their stomachs and spell out the name of the team? That's what WE'RE going to do! - We'll
dr021103 -- all stand side-by-side with our shirts off and spell out "Cougars"! - So you must be going with a large group of people! Actually, we don't need a big group... - Just dad!
dr021104 -- Time to pick up the afternoon carpool. - Put your back packs in the trunk, kids! - On second thought, take out a couple of them!
dr021105 -- - - BOING! - Oogie has the EYE of the TIGER! And the brain of the Macadamia Nut!
dr021106 -- OK, you weigh 4 1/2 pounds... - Thanks giving is three weeks away... - What's going on? - If I take this duck to the donut shop every day, do you think I could turn him into a 15-pound butterball? Why not? It turned YOU into a 260-pound
dr021106 -- butterball!
dr021107 -- It's nice to see you sharing your food with Bob, dad! - I'm trying to fatten up this duck for thanksgiving! - Bob's not a duck, dad. He's a rare south American parrot that takes on the characteristics of a duck for survival in the jungle! Oh,
dr021107 -- yeah, huh. - Gimme back those french fries!
dr021108 -- A rare south American parrot, huh? - There's an old expression... - If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's a duck! - Oink!
dr021109 -- Weird! - "Forward please pull." "To pedestrians yield." "Block lane do not." - Who writes this stuff? YODA???
dr021110 -- You need to sink this putt, dad! - Tok! - - - - SPLOINK! - It sunk, all right! I should stick into bowling. I don't lose my ball as often!
dr021111 -- I'm so behind! I have a hundred things to do! - Places to go! People to see! There aren't enough hours in the day! - Mom's under more stress than dad's hammock!
dr021112 -- - Look out the window at that breathtaking view, honeybunch! - -
dr021113 -- ...turn right on Washington Street, in 2.74 miles. - Proceed 0.21 miles, and turn left on Oak. Then right on Elm, in 0.65 miles. - Continue for 1.37 miles and turn right into the parking lot! Thanks very much! - Enjoy! If you need directions
dr021113 -- to a donut shop, dad'sa human "Mapquest".
dr021114 -- - Yes! - I'm done with my homework! - Watching the cable listings scroll down the TV screen for 20 minutes does not fulfill your required reading assignment!
dr021115 -- I'm home! - You'll never believe this, Ralph, but I spent 4 1/2 hours on the phone today! - Wow! Only 4 1/2?? Hardly anybody was home!
dr021116 -- Arrrrrggh! - Hurry up, dad! I can't hold your feet much longer!! Grunt! Groan! - Maybe you should just go inside the bank next time! Naw, these drive-thru ATM's are much more convenient!
dr021117 -- wash wash scrub scrub - WHIRRRR - WHIRRRR - - FLAP FLAP - - Have I ever mentioned how much I hate automatic hair dryers? Not since Thursday!
dr021118 -- I'm tired of being a loser. - I'm tired of not knowing how to do anything! I want to change! I want to be smart! - Teach me everything you know, dad! - EVERYTHING?? You've got just enough time, Ralph. You don't have to leave for work for
dr021118 -- another two minutes!
dr021119 -- I mean it, dad! I want you to teach me everything you know! - OK, son...but first I need to put on my "fatherly advice" outfit! - "Fatherly advice" outfit? Yeah, just like the wise dads wore in those old TV sitcoms! - Now I look like Ozzie
dr021119 -- Nelson, Robert Young, and Hugh Beaumont rolled into one! You can say that again!
dr021120 -- So, you want me to teach you everything I know, eh, son? - OK, here goes... - Uhhh...let's see... - Never ever touch this blue button on the TV clickers, 'cause it just messes up everything! Slow down! I'm taking notes!
dr021121 -- Whichever line you're standing in in always moves the slowest. - It's hard to find anything good on TV between 4:00 PM and 6:00 PM. - The loose french fries down at the bottom of the sack always taste the best! - Dad, when I asked you to
dr021121 -- teach me everything you know, this isn't exactly what I had in mind. Relax. I'm just warming up!
dr021122 -- ...and finally, son, never buy a green suit! - - That's IT?? I asked you to tell me everything you know, and THAT'S IT?? - No wonder I'm such a goofball! It's hereditary! did I tell you the one about the french fries at the bottom of the bag?
dr021123 -- I'm a cat. - Cats are special because we always land on our feet! - WOOF! - See?
dr021124 -- - BOP! - I think Oogie is hungry, Ralph! Why can't she just meow, like other cats?!
dr021125 -- Norman, you should do your homework in better light! - It's OK, mom. I'm almost done! - Norman, it's getting darker! I know teenagers are stubborn, but... I'm almost done, mom! - Norman... Almost done, mom!
dr021126 -- We're out of paper towels, Ralph! - Go out to the garage and bring in another roll! Yes, ma'am. - Nor THOSE paper towels! Those are the GOOD paper towels! - Why do I have to do everything myself?! There's such a thing as "good" paper towels??
dr021127 -- lap lap lap lap! Hey, what are you doing?? - That's MY water dish! A dog isn't supposed to drink out of a cat's dish! skattle skattle - How revolting! - swim swim paddle paddle!
dr021128 -- Ooooohh! I ate too much! - I'm sick! I feel like I'm gonna bust! - Somebody please put me out of my misery! - Wow, dessert! I'm glad I could help!
dr021129 -- Slow down, partner! - The pedestrian speed limit inside the mall is four miles per hour! - A mall cop with a radar gun?? We've gone high-tech! - Oh, THERE'S my blow dryer! Shhh!
dr021130 -- - YEEEAAAHH- - CHOO! - Sorry! Gesundheit.
dr021201 -- No-Neck's Tree Town Norman! Yes, Mr. Neck? - Take this man's tree and tie it to the top of his car! Yes, sir! - Oof! - - tie tie tie tie There! That should do it! - That tree's not going anywhere! Neither is my car! It's his first day!
dr021202 -- Why are you wearing sweatpants, Ralph! - Oh, you know me! I'm an active kind of guy! - I need clothing that's comfortable for a man on the go! - No, you need clothing that's comfortable for a man who ate too much thanksgiving! That, too!
dr021203 -- Are you sure you want to go outside in those sweats, Ralph? - Why not? Sweatpants are for active men who have self confidence. - These sweatpants make a fashion statement! - Yeah, "I don't own a full-length mirror". Wisenheimer!
dr021204 -- - - Sweet! - The great thing about sweatpants is you can leave 'em wadded-up on the floor all night and still wear 'em the next day!
dr021205 -- Someone forgot to put the adhesive lint roller away! - SKKKRAAKKK! - SKRAAAKK! SKRAAKK! - I refuse to ask.
dr021206 -- I love my new sweatpants! - Wearing sweatpants has changed my life! - I may be sorry I asked this, Ralph, but how has wearing sweatpants changed your life? - For one thing, not a single person today has had to tell me my zipper's down!
dr021207 -- - pick pick claw claw - BOO! - Let that be a lesson to you! And he thinks the CAT is psycho!
dr021208 -- plug! - - ? - - - - Steinbauer, what made you think you could get away with plugging your Christmas lights into MY OUTLET?? I've gotten away with it every other year!
dr021209 -- What a game this is! The crowd is going wild! - DING DONG! - What could be worse than having the doorbell ring at a time like this? - On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to meee...
dr021210 -- ...four calling birds, three french hens, two turtle doves... - And a partridge in a pear treeeee! - OK, I got the gist of it! I need to get back to the TV because there's a big game on, and... - On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love
dr021210 -- gave to me... Help!
dr021211 -- Sweet! - They're headed into overtime, dad! - Fiiiiiiiivvve gooooolllld rinnnngggs! Thanks for the update, son.
dr021212 -- On the eighth day of Christmas... - You already SANG the eighth day of Christmas! You're up to the NINTH day!! - We are? No, we aren't! I'm all confused. Let's start over! - On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to meee... There
dr021212 -- should be an abridged version of this song!
dr021213 -- ...and a partridge in a pear treeee! Yes! Done at last!! - Uh...I mean, thank you, kids! I've got to get back to the game, now... - Game's over, dad. Two overtimes. They said it was one of the greatest games ever. - AND I MISSED IT?? Aren't
dr021213 -- you going to tip us?
dr021214 -- I can't believe I missed the end of the game because I had to listen to carolers! - Why would a bunch of kids insist on singing me the world's longest Christmas song at a time like that?? - Well done, children! Next week I'll hire you to sing
dr021214 -- to my former auto mechanic! Thank you, Mr. Steinbauer!
dr021215 -- I'm a cat! - I'm special because my eyes light up in the dark. - Watch! skattle skattle skattle - - - - - See? Pretty good, but I'm not sure it was worth waiting here for nine hours! Now I can't find my bone!
dr021216 -- - - - When, exactly, did I start walking like granny clampett? Let's just say your forties have not been kind to you, Ralph.
dr021217 -- - - lap lap lap lap lap lap lap - You'll be happy to know the tree is still drinking water!
dr021218 -- JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS... Wait just a second. - That's better! Go ahead! Smart aleck!
dr021219 -- Ralph, you can help me address all these Christmas cards. - I'll address cards to all my friends, and you address cards to all your friends. OK. - - Anything else you'd like me to do? Make more friends!
dr021220 -- Honeybunch, there have to be SOME names you can take off our Christmas card list! - How about this one: Ed Kuike. Who's that? - Our milkman. Our milkman? - We haven't had delivered milk since 1984! Oh, go away!
dr021221 -- - - BLECCHH! - Whose idea was it to ruin Christmas by making people drink egg nog?? Wait 'til you taste fruit cake!
dr021222 -- KNOCK KNOCK Coming! - - I thought Halloween was over! Just for that, Steinbauer, we're going to sing "the twelve days of Christmas"!
dr021223 -- I hear bells! Look! Someone's coming down the chimney! - Ho ho hooOOO!! - Gimme back my hat, you little varmint! He's not as jolly as I expected!
dr021224 -- ...and a gift for Bob the Duck, and a gift for Wally, the Wiener Dog! - No gift for you, Oogie! You're very naughty! You should've brought me a scratching post! What is it with Oogie and fat guys?
dr021225 -- GAAAAHHHH! - - - Maybe giving dad bunny slippers wasn't the best idea!
dr021226 -- AHH... - CHOO! - I told you it wasn't drinking water!
dr021227 -- WHIRRR - - Ahhhhhhhhhhh! - There's nothing like warm sweat pants on a cold winter day!
dr021228 -- - Oh no... - SMOOCH! - Will someone please take down the mistle-toe! BLECCHH!
dr021229 -- - HONK! - - BEEEEP! - HONK! BEEP! - ...ahem... - Ptoo! - You know the rule: when three or more people honk at you, it's time to spit out your gum.
dr021230 -- sputter sputter Whirrrrrrrr! - I'm getting a fay from Wendy! Whirrr! - Whirrrrrrrrrrrrrr! She's sending me a list of suggested new year resolutions! I figured it was something like that!
dr021231 -- The countdown has begun! Is everyone ready? - Oh, no! We forgot noise makers! - That's OK. We've got dad! squeak! rumble! Gurgle! Burp! Hic! creak! Toot! Pop! Dad's a human noise maker!
dr030301 -- No-Neck and I are going to the parade! Will we see you on TV? - No, the TV cameras are at the beginning of the five-mile parade route, when all the marchers are fresh. - We like to stand near the END of the parade route, when the marchers are
dr030301 -- completely exhausted! Why? - We like to see their expressions when we hold up our sign! Half-Way Point
dr030302 -- - Oh, yeah. I see it. - Very becoming, son! - See? I did SO grow a goatee!
dr030303 -- I hate unloading the car after mom shops at BULK CLUB! I think it would be simpler if we just MOVED to Bulk Club! - Oh, hush! I save money buying in bulk! Where should I put the box of four dozen glue sticks?
dr030304 -- - - I told you your untied shoelaces were an accident waiting ho happen! Shut up ant turn off the ceiling fan!
dr030305 -- - FORE! - TOK! Good shot!
dr030106 -- - GLUG GLUG GLUG - If you drink a diet soda after you eat a fudge brownie, it neutralizes the calories! - I'm beginning to understand why you never lose weight! ...but you gotta drink it within 15 seconds!
dr030107 -- - puff puff - You know you're out of shape when the refrigerator is no longer within walking distance!
dr030108 -- This is the last straw! - FUNWORLD Amusement Park took out my favorite attraction, the HAUNTED SHACK! - From now on, I'm boycotting Funworld! - Ralph, you haven't been to Funworld in 28 years! Good! I hope they're starting to feel the pinch!
dr030109 -- - SKRAAAKKKK!!! - Ever eat aerosol cheese straight from the can? No. - It's good. I'll take your word for it.
dr030110 -- We hope she likes the candy and flowers, Mr. Drabble! Thanks, guys! - Next time, plan ahead a little better! - Just because you woke up and realized your forgot your anniversary, it's no reason to bother us! - The thing I hate about calling
dr030110 -- 9-1-1 is, after they save my life, they always chew me out!
dr030111 -- HIC! - Bless you. - It was a hiccup, Penny. You don't say "bless you" when someone hiccups. - HIC! Gesundheit!
dr030112 -- Z - - Let's see what treats are hidden in the back of the pantry! - Sweet! A bag of cookies! - Ralph, don't eat these! - Fine! I'll have some tortilla chips! Don't eat these, either! - Communication is good for a marriage, but my wife overdoes
dr030112 -- a little!
dr030113 -- Remember, Norm...you need to stay calm. People are on edge, everyone is in a hurry. - Just be patient and go with the flow. The key is to be courteous and never try to provoke a confrontation! - Gee, I never realized the buffet was becoming
dr030113 -- such a dangerous place! Consider yourself warned! Hey, you just cut me off! You're moving too slow!!
dr030114 -- It's true, Norm. "Buffet Rage" is becoming a big problem in our society. - Take a group of mild-mannered people, put them in a buffet line, and tempers always flare! - YOU WANT ALL THE CHICKEN NOODLE SOUP? I'LL GIVE YOU ALL THE CHICKEN NOODLE
dr030114 -- SOUP!! glug glug See what I mean?
dr030115 -- - - Waiting in line behind someone who wants to sample a little of everything is one of the leading causes of "buffet rage". Will you please stop breathing on me?!
dr030116 -- THE LAST CHOCOLATE MUFFIN! I SAW IT FIRST!! - Wait a minute! We're in a buffet! Let's try to be adult about this! - Look! Here they come with a fresh bag! - Where?
dr030117 -- You'd think being surrounded by this much food would make people happy and grateful... - But for some reason, they seem to get impatient, greedy and rude. - That's too bad! "Buffet Rage! has become the leading cause of tong and ladle injury!
dr030117 -- bop!
dr030118 -- Buffet - Why did you take all the pizza?! - It's not just for me, lady. I happen to have a family of five! - But we told you we didn't want any pizza, dad! Shoosh!
dr030119 -- - - - - - I take it you misplaced the TV clicker again! I'm gonna have to put this puppy on a leash!
dr030120 -- Your mom and I are going out to dinner, kids! - They must be going someplace fancy. How come? - Dad's wearing his black sweat pants!
dr030121 -- A puddle of water! - SPLAT! - Hey, that wasn't any fun! - It's a PILE OF LEAVES that's fun to jump into. Oh, yeah, huh!
dr030122 -- Darn! - It's January, and I still have that Canadian Christmas song stuck in my mind! - What Canadian Christmas song? You know, the one that goes... - "Oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh eh?"
dr030123 -- - Wow! Dad caught a jellybean in his mouth! - I never miss! - How exactly did you get a jellybean stuck up your nose, Mr. Drabble?
dr030124 -- I brought home something from school, dad. - "Dear parent..." - "Our academic advisers recently met with your son and daughter..." . So far, it sounds like you made quite an impression!
dr030125 -- Sniff! - Is that a TEAR I see? Are you actually CRYING, Ralph?? - You always tease ME about getting emotional at movies, but you're just as bad as I am! - Actually, I'm only crying because I just yanked a hair out of my nose.
dr030126 -- WHIRRRRR! - BZZZT! - Sweet! - There's nothing better than putting on warm sweat pants on a cold day! - I guess there's nothing wrong with putting your pants in the dryer to warm them up... - But I'm not sure you should do it in the
dr030126 -- Laundromat! TAMORDNUAL
dr030127 -- MALL You wanted to see me, commander? Yes, Drabble... - I have some bad news and some good news... - The bad news is, the mall is downsizing, and you're being laid off. - What's the GOOD news?? I shot a hole-in-one over the weekend!
dr030128 -- Penny, daddy has been laid off from work. - Do you know what that means? - I think it means we're going to have to sell our house and our car, and I won't be able to attend college. - Yeah, that's about it. My dream of having a big wedding is
dr030128 -- probably shot, too, huh!
dr030129 -- Don't worry, dad. You'll find another job! - You don't understand. No one wants to hire a man my age. How old are you? - 46. Wow! - Uh...I mean, that's not old! Maybe not for a lobster!
dr030130 -- I'm afraid no one will ever hire me again because I'm too old. - Dad, rest assured you are not too old! - Rest assured you are still youthful! Rest assured you are still "with it." - People your age need plenty of rest!
dr030131 -- Although you've been laid off, Ralph, our situation is not dire. - I've been working on an emergency food-storage program. You'll be relieved to know we have a year's worth of food stored in our garage. - I know, I found it. - Don't tell me...
dr030131 -- Fortunately, I've only eaten 11 months' worth.
dr030201 -- Don't be depressed, Ralph! You'll find another job in no time! - Why would want an old, out-of-shape guy like me? - Don't think of yourself that way, dad! Hold your head up high! - It makes your turkey neck not so obvious!
dr030202 -- Frozen Yogurt Open - - - - - - DING! - To ensure prompt service, always carry your own bell! May I help you?
dr030203 -- Mom, I'm worried... - I hope we won't have to relocate! don't worry, Norman. - Since your father lost his job, he seems to have taken root!
dr030204 -- I hope dad finds another job soon! Me too. - When a man finds himself suddenly out of work with nothing to do, it can take an emotional toll! - Yeah, and it's probably kind of hard o dad, too! Those dishes would get cleaner if you scrubbed
dr030204 -- them counter-clockwise!
dr030205 -- Would you like me to taste anything, honeybunch? - I wish you wouldn't hang damp laundry in the doorways. - You missed a spot! Whirrrr! - What's so great about "Dr. Phil"? For one thing, he goes away to work every morning!
dr030206 -- I didn't think it was possible... - But I have found one thing worse than having my husband follow me around the house all day long: - Having him follow me around the grocery store! You know, it would be a much a better strategy to start on
dr030206 -- THAT aisle and work our way to the front!
dr030207 -- Spinach?? Don't buy spinach!! - These tomatoes are fresher! - You shouldn't buy things just because you have coupons! - Rat poison? Why are you looking at rat poison? We don't have rats!
dr030208 -- My guidance counselor says we should choose a career that allows us to be ourselves! - I'd like a job where I can wear sweat pants and look like a slob. - How about a cartoonist? A cartoonist? - I don't know how to draw! See? You're already
dr030208 -- qualified!
dr030209 -- Crud. So much for the parallel-parking lesson!
dr030210 -- I'm Dr. Flora. You're on the air! Dr. Flora, my husband was recently laid off from work... - Having him home all day is driving me crazy! He's always interrupting my daily routine! - Honeybunch! There's someone on the radio who sounds just
dr030210 -- like you! Shhh! Can't you see that I'm on the phone?? - Sorry, Dr. Flora! See what I mean?
dr030211 -- Ralph, since you've been out of work, all you've done is sit around and drink soda! - It may LOOK like that's all I'm doing, but I'm actually working to make money! - All these cans are going to the recycler! KLANK!
dr030212 -- I'm back from Bulk Club! you sure got there a lot! - That's because I need to get away by myself. I'm not used to having you home all day. - Therefore, I spend a lot of time at bulk club! - Unfortunately, time's not ALL you spend there! Go
dr030212 -- bring in that 25-pound bag of pinto beans.
dr030213 -- 'bye, Ralph! I'm going shopping at Bulk Club. Again?? - Why do you go to Bulk Club every day? I need to get away during the day. This house isn't big enough for the both of us! - If you keep shopping at Bulk Club, this house won't be big
dr030213 -- enough for EITHER of us!
dr030214 -- Welcome to Bulk Club! Ralph!?? - What are YOU doing here?? I got a job, honeybunch! - I work at your favorite store! How lucky is that? Now you'll REALLY be seeing me a lot during the day! - I think I'm going to cry. Hey, I need to see your
dr030214 -- membership card!
dr030215 -- Welcome to Bulk Club! Thank you! - THAT'S NOT A BULK CLUB MEMBERSHIP CARD! WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO PULL?? - Oops! Wrong card! Sorry! Watch it next time! - I think I'm gonna like this job!
dr030216 -- Bulk Club Thank you! - Thank you, ma'am! thank you, sir! - Thanks! Yup! Thank you! Uh-huh! Thank you! Thanks very much! - Thank you! Uh-huh! - - I always wondered what would happen if someone tried to get in without a membership card! Nice
dr030216 -- try!
dr030217 -- Hic! pop! Gurgle! creak! - Dad would make a lousy FBI agent. He could never sneak up on anyone. URP! grunt! wheeze! rumble!
dr030218 -- pick pick claw claw - SCAT, YOU STUPID CAT! - I can understand a cat clawing furniture, but why does Oogie claw my pant leg?? - Sometimes it's hard to tell where the easy chair stops and you begin!
dr030219 -- Buffet - - -
dr030220 -- Buffet Dessert Bar - - They should put these soft serve ice cream machines a little higher off the ground!
dr030221 -- CLOSED?? - I can't believe it!! - Every "All -you-can-eat" buffet I like goes out of business! Imagine that!
dr030222 -- You're "it", Penny! - Norman and I will hide! Cover your eyes and count to ten! - One Missississisipippi...two Missississisipippi... - On second thought, just count to five!
dr030223 -- 'FORE!! - SPLAT! - Excuse me, folks! - What do you think, Norm...should I use a sand wedge or a lob wedge to hit out of a bowl of oatmeal? "Let's buy a cone on the golf course", you said! "It will be fun", you said!
dr030224 -- Table two for two, please. Cell phone section or non-cell phone section? - Non, please. Right this way! - yak yak yak yakkity yak yak yak yak yakkity I hate being subjected to secondhand cell phone conversations!
dr030225 -- Excuse me, sir...would you like to buy some cookies? - Do I look like I'm made out of money? No. - You look like you're made out of cookies!
dr030226 -- Sweet! there are parking places right up front! - Those are 20-minute spaces, dad! We'll be in the store a lot longer than that! No problem! - If I take up three 20-minute spaces, that gives us an hour!
dr030227 -- - - - - - Darn! I still can't tell the difference between the cat opener and the salad shooter! whirr!
dr030228 -- * - I'm so stupid! - - Aren't you going to ask WHY? Some things are pretty self-explanatory.
dr030301 -- HA! - HA! - HA! - What's so funny in here?
dr030302 -- Rats! I hate these automatic hand dryers! The take forever! - The new and improves Turbo Dry-Master. The most powerful hand dryer ever invented. Hmm... - I guess it's worth a try! WHIRRR - WHIRRR - WHIRRR - AAAAAHHHH!! IT SHRUNK MY HANDS!!! -
dr030302 -- When dad has a bad dream, he twitches his feet like Oogie. Maybe he's dreaming he's being chased by a coyote!
dr030303 -- WHIRR - dust! dust! dust! - Honeybunch, when the guy from the auto club arrives to jump-start our car, it's highly unlikely that he'll come inside our house! scrub! scrub! scrub! You never know.
dr030304 -- Before I tee off, I remind myself of three things... - Take my eye off the ball, rush my swing, and aim for the sand trap! - thwack! - Nice shot, dad! It went straight down the middle! Works every time!
dr030305 -- - Uh-oh! - KA THUNK! - The only thing worse than watching your land in the water is HEARING it land in the water!
dr030306 -- - - - tokkl-okkl!
dr030307 -- Hmmm...hand me my 3-wood, Norm. - 3-wood?? But you're on the GREEN, dad! - Why not use your putter?? - Because I'm on the wrong green! whack!
dr030308 -- WHACK! - Ker-SPLASH! - Darn! Sounds like I lost another ball in the water! Yup. - There must be a lake around here! Dad, I'm not so sure the super-twilight rates are such a great deal.
dr030309 -- Ralph, we're in a BUFFET! You can make more than one trip to the ice cream machine! Yeah, but people always stare at you when you go back for seconds!
dr030310 -- How in the world do you make this pen work? - You twist it! Oh, yeah, huh! - Oops! - Do we have any correction fluid? Norm, are you sure you want to fill out that application to join "Mensa"?
dr030311 -- Norman, is your homework done? Sort of. - "Sort of"? It's mostly done. - "Mostly done"? Pretty done. - I'll go get started on it! Thank you.
dr030312 -- I don't believe it! - Ralph, why are you standing there eating a bag of tortilla chips? - I've gotta do SOMETHING while my diet shake is blending!
dr030313 -- Honeybunch, I know you're a festive person... - And you love to celebrate the holidays... - But you're the only person in town who puts up decorations for allergy season! Oh, be quiet and help me hang up these mold spores!
dr030314 -- This green looks fast. - How can you tell? - My first clue is the speed bump.
dr030315 -- I love the golf course! - I can leave my problems at home! - pick pick claw claw Except for when the dumb cat stows away in my golf bag!
dr030316 -- On your mark... - Get set... - GO! skattle skattle skattle - skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle - skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle - TIME! skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle - Maybe Wally isn't cut out
dr030316 -- for the wiener dog races! Keep in mind it's only the first day of training! pant pant pant!
dr030317 -- Top o' the mornin', one and all! - I'm wearin' me green hat, me green shirt, me green socks, and me green sweat pants! - What do you think? I think me stomach's turnin'. I'm glad St. Patty's Day is only once a year!
dr030318 -- Wendy, guess what! - I can juggle four balls at once! - Get out of here! - I mean it! So do I! GET OUT OF HERE!
dr030319 -- Today was my teacher's birthday! She's really old! - Miss Wilson? How old is she? - 23. - We have messages on our answering machine older than that!
dr030320 -- - - OK, hold still... You gotta admit, it was a pretty good yo-yo trick up until the end!
dr030321 -- - I WON'T BE SEEING THAT! - - THIS ONE LOOKS STUPIDER THAN THE LAST ONE! It's not necessary for you to comment on each of the coming attractions, Ralph!
dr030322 -- ...and the nominees are: "The Pianist"... Didn't see it. - "Gangs Of New York". Didn't see it. - "Lord Of The Rings". Didn't see it. "The Hours". Didn't see it. - ...and "Chicago". WOO HOO! - You saw "Chicago"? No, but I've been there!
dr030323 -- - scoot scoot! - - scooooot! - - scoot scoot scoot! - I guess pulling the table apart in order to put the leaf in the middle is a two-man job! Pretty much EVERYTHING I ask you to do turns out to be a two.man job!
dr030324 -- Our next speaker, class, will be Patrick's father, who will tell us about his exciting job at BULK CLUB! - I hate career day.
dr030325 -- Career Day Kids, I work at Bulk Club membership discount warehouse. - My job is filled with excitement and danger! - What's dangerous about working at Bulk Club? - Have you ever had a ten-pound jug of potato salad fall on your toe?
dr030326 -- Career Day Kids, my job is to make sure that everyone who enters Bulk Club is a member. - How can I become a member? There are STRICT requirements. - You must either own a business, be a farmer or work for the government. There's also a $45
dr030326 -- membership fee. - I don't have a job, but I've got the $45! You're in!
dr030327 -- Career Day Kids, Bulk Club a shopper's paradise! - Where else can you buy a 64-roll pack of bathroom tissue or a 25-pound bag of pinto beans? - The average Bulk Club is larger than a football field. Can anyone guess why it's so big? - To
dr030327 -- accommodate the incredibly long checkout lines? Those re only on weekends, smart aleck!
dr030328 -- Career Day Kids, this is my older son, Norm! - Norm will help me demonstrate my "take-down" technique by attempting to walk past me without showing his membership card! - Do I have to, dad? I let you skip math class to be here! Don't give me
dr030328 -- any guff! - The first maneuver is called the "face-flattener". I think I'd rather go to math!
dr030329 -- Career Day I have a question, Mr. Drabble: before people can buy something at Bulk Club, they have to show their membership card to the cashier, correct? - Correct. So why do they also need to show their card to YOU when they enter the store?
dr030329 -- - - Oops, we're out of time!
dr030330 -- ATM beep beep boop beep - Drive Thru - Drive Thru - Pay Toll 75c - Take Ticket - Centuries from now, scientists will offer all sorts of theories as to why our left arms are longer than our right arms!
dr030331 -- - So how do you like my april fool decorations?
dr030401 -- I can't wait to sit down and relax in my easy chair! - PPFFBBFFFBBFF!! - April fool, dad! Patrick put a whoopee cushion on your chair! - Actually, I put it on the sofa!
dr030402 -- - - - - That ball is headed out of bounds no matter how you look at it!
dr030403 -- FORE!!! - Rats! I hit it into the condominiums again! - You people really should be out of bed by now! I hope you're wearing soft spikes!
dr030404 -- Norman, you have a phone call. I do?? - A phone call for me?? Really?? You're kidding! - Nobody ever calls me! Wow! I can't believe someone wants to speak to me!! - This is the greatest day of my life!!! Norman can't come to the phone right
dr030404 -- now...
dr030405 -- Here you are, sir! One large yogurt! - - I'll just add a little more! I practice that look in the mirror.
dr030406 -- ! - ! - - - - - - - It's bad enough the CAT comes running every time I use the can opener! Sorry. I thought it was the cake mixer!
dr030407 -- "To my wife... - "I may not be handsome, I know I'm a slob... - " I may not be wealthy, I can't hold a job..." - A popular theme in husband-to-wife birthday cards is what a loser the husband is!
dr030408 -- Thank you, Ralph! What a nice birthday card! - This is the nicest birthday card you've ever given me! - Did you READ it before you bought it? Of course I read it! - Then tell me what it says! "Something something happy birthday!"
dr030409 -- I swear! I didn't just buy you the first birthday card I looked at! - We can vouch for that, mom! - He bought the second! The first one had a girl in a bikini on it! Run along now, boys!
dr030410 -- A three-speed reversible drill? - I bought it at Zundel's! How thoughtful! Thank you, Ralph! - Who knew mom would've wanted a three-speed reversible drill for her birthday! She didn't. - She returns everything, so it only matters what store
dr030410 -- you bought it at! Did you keep the receipt?
dr030411 -- Put on your sweater, honeybunch! We're going somewhere! - You have one more birthday surprise in store! - Who knew I could get a free car wash on my birthday!
dr030412 -- Thank you for everything, Ralph! - I had a very nice birthday! - Glad to hear it, honeybunch! - I'm safe until Mother's Day!
dr030413 -- - Norman, why don't you ever stop to tie your shoe? - You might trip and fall! - It would be such a simple thing to stop and tie it! Why on earth do you never do it?? ...Sigh... - - - HEY, COME BACK! - That's why I never stop to tie my shoes!
dr030414 -- I just got a cell phone. - I've never had a cell phone before. - I'm afraid it's going to scare me the first time it rings! Don't worry... - It is highly unlikely your cell phone will ever ring. I could get a wring number!
dr030415 -- Maybe getting a cell phone wasn't such a good idea. - I'm always afraid it's going to ring when I'm in the middle of something important! - - IT COULD HAPPEN!
dr030416 -- Now that I have a cell phone, I live in fear that it's going to ring. - I'm afraid it will be someone calling with bad news. - Either somebody's in the hospital, or the coyotes ate my pet duck, or something terrible... - * AAAAAHHHH! Relax.
dr030416 -- It's just a man whistling.
dr030417 -- - * WHOA! THERE IT IS!! - I HAVE A CALL!! WHERE'S MY HONE? - Hello? Hello! Who's this?? You're talking to your wallet!
dr030418 -- Please ring. Please somebody call me. Please, please, please! - I thought you said you didn't want your phone to ever ring because it would scare you! - I realized I was being immature. - Besides, I just figured out how to make it play the
dr030418 -- theme from "Sponge Bob."
dr030419 -- Mail KLUNK! - "Klunk"?? Letters don't go "klunk." - Uh-oh. - * Cell phones go "klunk"!
dr030420 -- ...oh, and here's daddy! - Hi, daddy! Hey. - Daddy, look at the camera and say "happy easter"! - I said, look at the camera and say "happy easter", daddy! - Happy easter, OK?! - Daddy's in a bad mood because he thought the purple easter egg
dr030420 -- dye was grape juice! Silly daddy! Too bad daddy didn't have the camera when mommy dropped the thanksgiving turkey!
dr030421 -- - - Crud. - I was hoping to get my first cell phone call before I got my first bill.
dr030422 -- Hey, the waitress left us a customer satisfaction survey! - "Rate overall performance". - This is going to be a hard question to answer. Why? - Nobody in here is wearing overalls!
dr030423 -- - Hey! - Why did it have to stop raining?! - Maybe the clouds got tired!
dr030424 -- The answer is NO, Penny, and that's final! - - - Something tells me I'm getting a negative review! Diary write write
dr030425 -- Cats are useless. Z - They don't do tricks, they don't come when you call them... - They don't do ANYTHING! yawn! - Cats are goldfish with fleas! Z
dr030426 -- Here. Take a sip and pass it down! - Pass it down?? - The sodas here are so expensive, our whole row chipped in for one!
dr030427 --One of the great things about the sport of golf is the opportunity it provides to interact with nature! - Any of you ducks seen a Top-Flite(r) around here?
dr030428 -- puff puff - aaaaaggh! - grunt! - I'll either live to be a hundred, or die trying.
dr030429 -- There's my sweet kitty! - You're just the cutest thing! smooch smooch - There are two types of people in the world... - Cat lovers and normal people.
dr030430 -- ...Sigh... - I'm here for you, Wendy. - Thanks. - Now how about being way over there for me!
dr030501 -- thwack!! - Straight down the middle! - Well, actually, straight down the far, far ultra right-hand side of the middle. - Actually, it went out of bounds! Whatever.
dr030502 -- Missing: One dumb cat. - White and orange. Name: Oogie - If found, please keep! - Oogie isn't missing! I can dream, can't I??
dr030503 -- Mark my words, Wendy... - One day you'll see my name in lights! - Norman, the only way you're going to see your name in lights is to change it to "75 Watts."
dr030504 -- I'm home early, honeybunch! - Honeybunch? - la la la la Oh no! She's doing housework with the headphones on again! - If I tap her on the shoulder, I'll startle her and she'll get mad at me! - But if I turn around and go back outside, the
dr030504 -- sudden movement might startle her, and she'll get mad at me! la la la The best option is to stand here quietly until she notices me. - la la la LAAA!! - Ralph! Why would you sneak up and try to scare me like that?!! Sometimes the best option
dr030504 -- ain't much of an option!
dr030505 -- Oogie finally caught that mouse that's been living in the garage! - Really? - Way to go! - Never "high-five" a cat!
dr030506 -- Hey, that's MY game! Well, I'm playing it now! - GET OFF RIGHT NOW! NO! You boys better stop bickering! - I have a new rule: if you fight over something, it gets thrown away! - MY leftover creamed spinach casserole. NO, MINE!
dr030507 -- The Watch - The Stalk - The Pounce - The Kill bite snarl claw I hate cats!
dr030508 -- How was your appointment with the eye doctor? - Great! I'm getting farsighted! - Why is that great? - Because I'm already nearsighted, so eventually, I should be just right!
dr030509 -- Hey, dad! I just discovered something really interesting! What's that, son? - If you turn your cap around and wear it backward like this... - It'll keep the sun out of your eyes! - I might start a whole new trend! You're ahead of your time,
dr030509 -- son.
dr030510 -- Would you like me to help you with your homework, Penny? - Let's see...math, huh? OK, let's see now... - Uhhhh... - Would you like me to help you help Penny with her homework, dad?
dr030511 -- "Bonanza" Sunday nights at 9:00! - "The Munsters" Thursday at 8:00! - "The Addams Family" Fridays at 8:30. - "Batman" Tuesdays AND Wednesdays at 7:30! - The Ed Sullivan Show". Sunday at 8:00. "The Fugitive". Tuesday at 10:00. - Name any old
dr030511 -- TV show, and dad can remember what time it came on! - That's incredible! Mondays at 8:00. He's an idiot-box savant!
dr030512 -- No Neck! Long time no see, Ralph! - Looks like you've lost a little...... - ....uhhh..... - Hair! Nice of you to notice!
dr030513 -- - What are YOU smiling about?! - Sorry. Don't let it happen again! - Norman gets a little grumpy after he's played video games for a while! Grrrr...
dr030514 -- SHOOT! CRUSH! MASH! - Norman seems to get angry whenever he plays video games. - Some of those video games can be pretty intense and violent! - But he's only playing video golf! BITE! It's obviously very realistic!
dr030515 -- Say, Norm... - I've noticed that whenever you play video games for a long time... - You tend to become... - BACK OFF, OLD MAN! I'M TRYING TO SAVE THE WORLD HERE! ...irritable!
dr030516 -- Excuse me... Hey, what are you doing?! - Video games always put in a bad mood. - So I've decided to throw them all out the window. YOU CAN'T DO THAT?? - Of course I can. I'm the mom! Oh, yeah, huh!
dr030517 -- "Rain, rain, go away! Come again some other day." - That's what you said the LAST time it rained! - So the rain went away, and look what happened! It came back TODAY! - Now we're doomed to another day of rain! Everything is my fault!
dr030518 -- - - - - - AHA! - Here they are! - Why did you eat the leftover brownies?? I got tired of having to look at 'em!
dr030519 -- Ralph, look! No! - Just watch! I don't want to! - All you have to do is click "Enter," see?! - What's going on in there? I was just giving your dad another "hands on" computer lesson!
dr030520 -- I can deal with increased ticket prices... - I can even deal with "The Wave". - There's really only one thing about the baseball experience that I'm having trouble dealing with... - bop bop bop bop Those infernal "Rally Boppers". bop bop
dr030521 -- One hot dog, please. - Do you want a jumbo dog, a stadium deluxe dog, a kosher dog, or a turkey dog? - A HOT dog! I'm at a baseball game, and I'd like a HOT dog! - I've got a troublemaker up here!
dr030522 -- bop bop bop - bop bop bop bop bop bop - bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop -
dr030523 -- Hey, you dumb cat! Look what I got at the baseball game! - Rally boppers! When I bop 'em together, they'll make a loud noise, and scare the FUR off you!! - pik! - sssssssssssssssssssss ...or not!
dr030524 -- The dumb cat popped one of my rally boppers! - You can't make noise with one rally bopper, unless you can find something else to bop it against! - Let's see...what else id hollow and filled with air? - bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop
dr030524 -- bop I think most of us saw this once coming!
dr030525 -- Thanks for going out with me tonight, Wendy! - Here. What's that? - It's a customer satisfaction survey, designed to help me improve myself! - Please take a few moments and check the appropriate boxes. - How would you rate your date with
dr030525 -- Norman? O Excellent O Good O Average O Poor - Hmmm...this is going to be difficult. - How come? It goes down only to "poor".
dr030526 -- Ralph, your dislike of Oogie is completely unreasonable! - I never said that I dislike Oogie! - I THINK it a lot, but I've never said it!
dr030527 -- Loo, dad! Your friend No-Neck is sitting over there! - - WHAP! - That'll be four bucks! You've got to be careful when you wave at someone at a baseball game!
dr030528 -- Congratulate me, honeybunch! I finally fixed the toilet! - Well, it's not FIXED fixed... - But it's pretty fixed. Pretty fixed?? - Whatever is wrong with it now is better than what was wrong with it before!
dr030529 -- - - - The easter bunny really did an outstanding job of hiding the eggs this year! Let's HOPE it was this year!
dr030530 -- CRUNCH - It's fun to squash soda cans with your foot! - - OW! OW! OWW!! You're supposed to open it and drink it first.
dr030531 -- My Father by Patrick Drabble - My father was born here in this town. - Start over. - My dear old dad was born right here in this cotton-pickin' town. - How's your 500-word essay coming, Patrick? It's getting there!
dr030601 -- LOOK FOR ONE UP IN YOUR WHEELHOUSE, HUH?! - YOU GOT A COUPLE OF DUCKS OUT THERE, HUH, NOW?! - WHATTYA SAY, NOW! LOOK OUT FOR UNCLE CHARLIE, HUH?! - ZONE-IN, HUH, NOW?! LOCK AND LOAD! - Hey, batter batter...SWING! - - Sorry. My baseball banter
dr030601 -- is not quite at the level of some of the other dads! Whattaya say you work on that, huh, now??
dr030602 -- Oh, boy! May I?? - - mmm-MMMM! - Why ruin perfectly good cookie dough by making cookies out of it?
dr030603 -- - - Don't you even *DARE* think about eating that pie!!!! - Even her sticky notes yell at me!
dr030604 -- Rats! The cord still doesn't reach. - I guess we'll have to buy another extension cord! Another extension cord?? - I thought our extension cord was 75 feet! - It is, when you can get it untangled!
dr030605 -- Dad, will you quiz me on my spelling words? Sure, Patrick! - "Porridge" - "Porridge"?? Why is "Porridge" one of your spelling words?? - It's the 21st century! Why would you ever need to know how to spell "Porridge"?? Remind me not to ask him
dr030606 -- to help with algebra.Psss! Wendy! How old is the earth? - Five billion years old. - Really? I thought it was only 4.5 billion! - Time flies!
dr030607 -- HONK Bless you. - "Bless you"?? I figure we say "bless you" for a sneeze... - Why shouldn't we say "bless you", when somebody blows their nose? It's kind of similar! - That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. You're welcome!
dr030608 -- How come you like to barbecue, dad? - It's a guy thing, Norm. Men love to barbecue! - The desire to cook raw meat over an open fire is inborn in all men! - It dates back to primitive times when hunters would return to the village, and proudly
dr030608 -- roast their prey to feed their family! - Now explain channel surfing. - It has something to do with the brave sentinel standing watch over the village, Wisenheimer!
dr030609 -- - I admire how some people can eat and read at the same time! - What's so hard about that? - I guess I just don't have a talent for it!
dr030610 -- We filled the pool for you, dad! Thanks, boys! - SPLOOSH! - To conserve water, we should probably fill the pool AFTER dad gets in!
dr030611 -- Hey, knock it off, you dumb cat! - You have a nice, new scratching post, but you never use it! - What's up with that?? - The scratch post is the kitty equivalent of the exercise bike!
dr030612 -- Pull forward to the third window, please. - Is this the third window? No! Keep going! - - Something tells me I went too far!
dr030613 -- Ralph, as a courtesy to the other movie-goers, remember to turn off your cell phone. - BOOP! - ...and one more thing... I know. I'm putting it on. - I tend to doze off!
dr030614 -- Bagels - - YECCHH! - Nothing is worse than an unexpected piece of onion in your chocolate bagel!
dr030615 -- OK, Ralph, here's our itinerary for the day... - After church, we'll all take a family nature hike! - Then we'll go to the lake for a picnic! - After that, well come home and sing a few songs around the piano! - Then you can fire up the
dr030615 -- barbecue and cook shish kabob! - And after that, we'll go over to my mother's house to watch her vacation videos! - Won't that be fun? - Try to look excited, dad! I've come to the realization that father's day is just mother's day part two!
dr030616 -- ha ha ho ho hee hee! cackle cackle - HOHO Ha HA cackle cackle cackle HA HA ho ho ho ho hee hee ha ha ha hoo hoo - NOTHING IS THAT FUNNY AT SIX A.M.! - Don't yell at the morning drive-time DJs, Ralph! Somebody needs to!
dr030617 -- Dad? - I'm right here, Norm! - I'm trying to get the fire just right to barbecue some burgers! - did you need something, Norm? I just wanted to let you know all of our smoke alarms work!
dr030618 -- Dad? I'm right here, Norm! - Here are the burgers! Thanks! The fire's just right! I'll put 'em on! - SPLAT! - You missed. Sorry. That one's mine!
dr030619 -- - - - The hot dogs get cooked just by getting CLOSE to dad's barbecue!
dr030620 -- The hamburgers and hot dogs are ready! - Here you go, Norm! - I wanted a hamburger! - That IS a hamburger!
dr030621 -- Ralph, I understand how you could burn hamburgers... - But how exactly did you burn the FRUIT?? I must have set the bowl too close to the burgers!
dr030622 -- Dad, do you have any napkins in the car? - Yeah, there's a bunch of 'em in the glove compartment! - Wow, you DO have a lot of napkins in here, dad! - you've got napkins from Krunchy Kakes donut shop, Down'n'Out Burgers... - Bee Bee's Bagels,
dr030622 -- Ice Cream City, Taco Emporium... - Galtburger, Yougurt'R'Us, 24-Hour Donuts, Hogg's Chili Dogs... - Chicken Heaven, Alvin's Chinese Take-Out, Dave's Donut Farm... - You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the napkins in his car! Yeah, you
dr030622 -- can tell he needs to go on a diet!
dr030623 -- I like how all the seasons are different! - Each season has its own charming characteristics and traditions! - THE JUNE BUGS ARE BACK! THE JUNE BUGS ARE BACK!! Of course, some are more charming than others!
dr030624 -- I guess dad was right... - He really IS a scratch golfer! - skritch skritch skritch Especially when he forgets to put on bug repellent!
dr030625 -- Why don't you take your shirt off, dad? - I'm embarrassed about my "farmer's" tan! - What's so embarrassing about a "farmer's" tan? -
dr030626 -- - Care to join me in the spa, honeybunch? bubble bubble bubble I'm beginning to understand why we still don't have our own TV series!
dr030627 -- Why do they call them "cookies"?? You don't COOK cookies, you BAKE them! - Why don't they call them BAKIES instead? - And another thing: If brownies weren't brown, would they still call them brownies?? If they were pink, would they be called
dr030627 -- PINKIES?? - Here, Penny, have a mouthful of cookie dough! mmmpphh
dr030628 -- What in the world are you doing? Trimming the tree. - Anything wrong with that? No... - ...except that it's artificial! It's bushy on one side, OK?!! - And all these years, I thought you took after ME!
dr030629 -- You know what really bugs me? - It's impossible to watch a baseball game on TV anymore... - ...without seeing a dumb guy with a cell phone trying to get on camera so he can wave at the person he's talking to! - Some people will go anywhere
dr030629 -- just to get noticed! - - Do you agree? Yep!
dr030630 -- !!! - !!! - !!! - Wow! I've never seen a sunburned tongue! Serves you right for taking your cell phone to the beach!
dr030701 -- Lackluster Video How about THIS movie, dad? - Nope. I've never seen it. I never rent movies that I haven't seen before. - Life is too short to spend two hours watching something I might not like, so I only rent movies I've already watched! -
dr030701 -- That kind of limits our choices, doesn't it? Nonsense! The three stooges made LOTS of movies!
dr030702 -- Lackluster Video Great scott!! I just thought of an idea that's going to make millions, dad!! - Try to follow me: we take the concept of a video store, but we rent BOOKS instead! - You mean, like a library? - SOMEBODY BEAT ME TO IT??
dr030703 -- Lackluster Dad, don't rent that baseball movie! We've seen it a dozen times! You know he hits a home run to win the game! - They ought to change the ending in some of these videos! - He either hits the home run, or he strikes out! Then it
dr030703 -- will be more exciting because you'll never know what will happen. How do you like that idea? - Due back on Tuesday. boop!
dr030704 -- I sure hope I don't forget to return this movie! - It's a five-day rental. Today is Friday, so it's due back next Wednesday before noon. - So, somehow, I need to remember to come all the way back here next Wednesday morning and return it! -
dr030704 -- What the heck! As long as I'm already here... Quick Drop
dr030705 -- ? - ? - Which is the wrong side of the bed that daddy said you woke up on?
dr030706 -- We'll call you when your order is ready, sir. You're number 28! Thanks! - We're number 28, Norm. Remember that number! OK, dad! - That shouldn't be too hard. 28 is an easy number to remember! - There are 28 days in February! - Except during
dr030706 -- leap year, when it has 29 days. But that only happens once every 4 years. - All the other months have 30 or 31 days. - They should take a day out of July and august and give them to February th even things out. We'd still have 365 days in the
dr030706 -- year. - LAST CALL FOR NUMBER 28! ...except we'd have 2 less days of summer and two more days of winter!
dr030707 -- One day you'll be sorry you weren't nicer to me. - One day I'll be a star! I've got talent, you know! - Talent?? What sort of talent do YOU have?? - I'll let Senor Handy answer that!
dr030708 -- That's right, Wendy! I've decided to become a famous ventriloquist! - Say something, Senor Handy! - Teeter tyter ticked a teck of tickled tetters! - What did you think of that, Wendy? Tretty Tathetic!
dr030709 -- Thanks for going out with me, Wendy! - I'm sorry I forgot my wallet and you had to pay for everything! - You were certainly a good sport about it! - Going out with you has taught me that sometimes you just have to take the bad with the really
dr030709 -- bad! Thanks!
dr030710 -- Dad, I need some fatherly advice. OK, just a second... - - Why did you put on a sweater and tie? Because this is how Robert Young always dressed on "Father Knows Best." - Everything I know about being a father, I learned from old sitcoms!
dr030710 -- That's comforting!
dr030711 -- Tell me what's wrong, son. I've come to the realization that Wendy doesn't really like me very much. - Why's that? It was because of something she said recently. - What did she say? - "I don't really like you very much." Sounds like a subtle
dr030711 -- hint!
dr030712 -- I wish I could make Wendy like me. Why? - Because then she'd want to go steady, and then she'd want to marry me! - And then she's always be nice to me because I'd be her husband! - You haven't been paying much attention around here for the
dr030712 -- last 20 years, have you?
dr030713 -- KA POK KA POK - KA POK KA POK KA POK KA POK - KA POW! - One to nothing! You know your children are growing up when you no longer feel bad about beating them at ping-pong!
dr030714 -- Here's that blouse I was looking for! - TRIP! - Ralph either needs to lose weight or hang his belt rack higher!
dr030715 -- ...128,672...128,673...128,674... What are you doing? - One of my teachers said we could never count to a million in our lifetime, so I've set out to prove him wrong! - Now, where did I leave off? - 17. Oh, yeah! 18...19...20...
dr030716 -- Is it "starve a cold, feed a fever"... - Or "feed a cold, starve a fever"? - It's "feed a cold, starve a fever." - In that case, I'll just have water!
dr030717 -- Norm, I think you're wasting your time with Wendy. You need to meet other girls! - I don't know where to meet other girls, dad! - There are 20,000 students at your college. That means at least 10,000 of them are women! - There's got to be ONE
dr030717 -- of 'em who likes you! She must attend the night classes!
dr030718 -- twist twist - WOOO! COLD! COLD! COLD! twist twist - HOT! HOT! YEEOWW!! twist twist twist twist - I hate it when I can't remember how to turn off the shower!
dr030719 -- I can't decide what color to paint the living room. - "Vanilla Cream" is pretty, but so are "Toasted Almond" and "Mocha". - I also like "Toffee Crunch," and "Butter Cookie." What do you think? - I think I'm hungry. Only YOU could get hungry
dr030719 -- looking at paint!
dr030720 -- Look what I bought, honeybunch.  - It's a door knob rope exerciser! - You hook it over the door knob, and it becomes an exercise machine! - This contraption will whip me into shape in no time! - CREAK! POP! WHAM! - You're already looking
dr030720 -- thinner!
dr030721 -- Welcome to Galtburger! - Hey, it's me. - That'll be $4.25 at the second window, please! - I come here a lot!
dr030722 -- - Good day, sir! - Urp! - "Refrigerator doorman"... my new least favorite summer job!
dr030723 -- Wendy, I hope you won't be insulted or offended by what I'm about to say... - I think we should start seeing other people. Would that be OK with you? - Ready to go, Wendy? All set! - I'll assume that was a "yes".
dr030724 -- I finally told Wendy we should start dating other people. That wasn't so bad... - Now comes the hard part... - - Eeeww! Finding another person!
dr030725 -- New Car Showroom Wow! Look at THAT car! - Isn't she a beauty?? I'd LOVE to have a car like this! - Most people see hearts before their eyes when they fall in love. Dad sees doughnuts!
dr030726 -- How was work today, Ralph? - I feel whelmed. Huh? - I didn't feel whelmed and I didn't feel underwhelmed. - I just feel whelmed.
dr030727 -- What a shot! - Birdie! - Another Birdie! - I can't believe it! - I hadn't played golf in six months... - And today I'm having the best round of golf I've ever played in my life! - I should not play golf more often! tokkl okkl!
dr030728 -- - I wonder why some creatures are attracted by lights? - Ask your father!
dr030729 -- Here's a bottle of suntan lotion, Ralph. - Don't forget to thoroughly cover your bald spot! - I hope you brought another bottle!
dr030730 -- You boys might not believe this... - But when I was younger, I had a nice head of hair! - You STILL have a nice head of hair, dad! - Only now it's on your back!
dr030731 -- There's only one thing I don't like about spending the day at the beach... - We don't get enough exercise. We just sit around! - Speak for yourself! I get LOTS of exercise! When? - Every time I try to get up out of this stupid beach chair!
dr030801 -- pick pick pick hammer hammersaw saw saw bite bite pound pound - ...Sigh... Don't get upset, dad... - You'll get the DVD out of that package eventually. So far, I hate the 21st century! Here, try a can opener!
dr030802 -- Hello, Newsradio? This is traffic tipster Drabble, calling... - Every single motorist I see is talking on a cell phone. This strikes me as very dangerous! - Say what? - Yeah, but I'm a traffic tipster! I'm exempt!!
dr030803 -- ...one glazed donut...one chocolate chip bagel... - One large frozen yogurt...one box of cheese crackers...one slice of pepperoni pizza... - One cheese and bean burrito, no onions.. What are you doing, dad? - I'm starting a new diet... - I
dr030803 -- have to write down everything I ate during the day. - It's supposed to help me examine my eating habits. - Unfortunately, I don't think I'm going to be able to stick with it. How come? - I'm getting writer's cramp!
dr030804 -- Listen, Wally...they're about to give my traffic update on the radio! - Tipster Drabble just called in to report looky-loo slowing on the south bay curve! - Tipster Steinbauer reports that tipster Drabble is driving with a dog in his lap,
dr030804 -- constituting a road menace! -
dr030805 -- Tipster Drabble just called in to report that tipster Steinbauer just made an illegal lane change. Hee hee! - And now, tipster Steinbauer reports that tipster Drabble is driving with a deployed air bag! - I AM NOT!! - Correction: that's his
dr030806 -- stomach!
dr030806 -- My suit always looks great when it comes back from the cleaners. - - - ...for about ten seconds!
dr030807 -- Now, HERE'S a class I should take next semester... - "Beginning Conversation." I already know how to converse! What an easy class! - Norman, that's a "second language" course! It's only for non-native speakers! You can't take it! - Darn! I
dr030807 -- could've had a cinch "C-Plus".
dr030808 -- What classes did you decide to take at college this fall, Norm? - Bonehead English, Bonehead Math... - Bonehead Science and Bonehead Reading! - You da man, Norm! Thanks!
dr030809 -- I think you've made a mistake, Norman...you signed up for the same class twice! - See? You signed up for algebra in the morning AND in the afternoon! - That wasn't a mistake... - I figured if I took 'em both, I was bound to pass one of them!
dr030810 -- Krunchy Kakes OK, everyone back in the car! - That was pretty cool, huh? Yeah, dad. - The next stop on our journey will be the Krunchy Kakes donut shop in El Segundo! - Then we'll head to the Krunchy Kakes shop in Palmdale... - And then we'll
dr030810 -- visit the Krunchy Kakes donut shop in Porterville, the Krunchy Kakes Donut shop in Buttonwillow, and the Krunchy Kakes donut shop in Galt! - I'm already getting sick! That's what we get for letting dad plan our summer vacation! After that,
dr030810 -- we'll stop somewhere for lunch!
dr030811 -- Well, hello, Pooch! - You're probably looking for my front yard! - It's the house on the corner! The lawn has a bunch of dead spots! You can't miss it! - None of the neighborhood dogs ever miss it! That was subtle!
dr030812 -- - Ralph, if you're going to sunbathe in the late afternoon, you need to suck in your stomach!
dr030813 -- Here's your soda,Ralph! - Can't you see my hands are full? - Just set it down someplace! -
dr030814 -- I thought you were on a diet! - How did you know I was eating a brownie? - I have eyes on the back of my head! - The only thing you have on the back of your head is skin!
dr030815 -- Slow down, Ralph! Don't drive over that speed bump! Go around it! Yes, dear! - Don't park here! We'll get a dent! Park on an end space! ...Sigh... - Mom's really a guiding influence for you, isn't she? - You might say she's the
dr030815 -- backseat-driving force in my life!
dr030816 -- dink dink dink dink dink - Is it my imagination, or was she walking a Christmas ornament?
dr030817 -- - GAH! - * * - Well, don't just stand here! DO something!! - - Can I borrow your pruning shears? CAUTION CAUTION CAUTION CAUTION
dr030818 -- Uh-oh...this movie says "Property of Lackluster Video. Please Return." - We haven't rented a movie in weeks! This must be overdue! - Don't worry. The late fees can't be THAT much! It's just a little overdue! What movie is it? - "Santa's
dr030818 -- Favorite Christmas" OK, so it's a LOT overdue!
dr030819 -- This is a Christmas movie! It's at least nine months overdue!! - "Santa's Favorite Christmas". Oh, yeah...I remember watching this! - But it wasn't last chistmas when we watched it... Thank goodness! - We watched it TWO Christmases ago!
dr030820 -- Hello, Lackluster Video? This is...uh...well, let's just call me "Johnny." - I have a hypothetical question: suppose I had a video that was two years overdue. How much would I owe in late fees? - - It didn't cost that much to MAKE this
dr030820 -- movie!! Don't worry, dad. A man of your ability can always land a second job!
dr030821 -- OK, Norm, here's our plan... "Our" plan?? - We'll take the overdue movie back to the video store, but we won't say anything... - We'll just put it back on the shelf and hope that nobody noticed it was missing! - If anyone ever asks us about
dr030821 -- it, we'll just plead ignorance! That always seems to work for us!
dr030822 -- Lackluster Video Dad, I'm scared! Relax, Norm. We're not doing anything wrong! - We're just going to sneak an overdue movie back INTO the video store. We're not sneaking anything OUT! - It's not like we're CROOKS or something! Now get going!
dr030822 -- Me?? - Why aren't YOU going? Someone needs to stay in the getaway car!
dr030823 -- Honeybunch, Norm and I just saved our family from financial ruin... - Tell me about it later. I'm looking for something. - I bought a move from the used-movie bin at Lackluster Video, and now I can't find it! - "Santa's Favorite Christmas".
dr030823 -- Have you seen it anywhere? Great. We returned a "bought" movie!
dr030824 -- Lackluster Video Fred! Ralph! - What's up? Oh, not much! - I'm just renting a few "G" rated movies for the family to watch! See? - Yeah, me too! See? "Mary Poppins", "Davy Crockett"... - Hey! An "R" rated movie! How did that get in here?? -
dr030824 -- I'll just go put that back on the shelf where it belongs! - I hate bumping into friends from church at the video store!
dr030825 -- I keep hearing my stomach growl! - I must be hungry. - You can't be hungry. You just ate dinner! Oh, yeah. - Maybe I'm sitting on the cat!
dr030826 -- How do you like my new "Donut" pool, honeybunch? - I knew there was a lot of fat in donuts, but this is ridiculous!
dr030827 -- Dad, I have some good news and some not-so-good news! - The good news is I'm going to be on television! - What's the not-so-good news? - It's a program called "World's Dumbest 911 Calls".
dr030828 -- I can't believe how much time you spend standing in front of the refrigerator! - What makes you think I spend a lot of time in front of the refrigerator? - Our floor has a permanent indentation!
dr030829 -- Patrick, why are you carrying a sofa on your back? - School starts next week, and I need to get in shape for carrying my backpack! You should probably add a few pounds!
dr030830 -- Dad, I have some good news and some bad news. - ...and some average news and some semi-good news. - And some really, really bad news, and some sort-of-good news, and some news I won't know if it's good or bad. - So which do you want to hear
dr030830 -- first? Surprise me.
dr030831 -- - - - - - - - - Why don't we just move dad's chair closer to the refrigerator? It's the only exercise he gets!
dr030901 -- Hey, Ralph! Quit parking your old car in front of my house! - It leaks oil and leaves unsightly stains all over the place! - Relax, Steinbauer! It won't be a problem any longer! - Because you're going to move it? No, because it's finally out
dr030901 -- of oil!
dr030902 -- I'm giving you one last chance to move your leaky old car, Ralph! - What are you going to do, Steinbauer? Call the police? - Worse. What I'll do to you will make you WISH you were rotting in jail! - I will place the "Steinbauer Curse" upon
dr030902 -- your head. The "Steinbauer Curse??"
dr030903 -- You're threatening to put a CURSE on me? - Give me a break! That's it, Ralph! You asked for it! - I hereby pronounce the Steinbauer Curse upon your head. May your days be filled with woe! The end. - You're in big trouble now! Ralph, my mother
dr030903 -- just called. She's coming for an extended visit!
dr030904 -- What do you mean, your mother is coming for an extended visit?? - She might stay through the holidays! The HOLIDAYS?? - How do you like the "Steinbauer Curse" so far, Ralph? - There's no such thing as a curse!! Dad, I don't know how it
dr030904 -- happened, but some of your TV remote ended up in the aquarium!
dr030905 -- Have you had enough of the "Steinbauer Curse," Ralph? - All you have to do for me to lift the curse is promise never to park your leaky car in front of my house again! - How many times do I have to tell you, Steinbauer? I don't believe in
dr030905 -- curses! - Suit yourself! Dad, how do you shut off the main water valve into our house?
dr030906 -- Yogurt I'll have my usual: chocolate and peanut butter with sprinkles! I'm sorry. We're out of those two flavors! - How could you be out of the only two flavors I like?? - Chalk another one up to the "Steinbauer Curse"! - THERE'S NO SUCH
dr030906 -- THING AS A CURSE!! We're also out of sprinkles.
dr030907 -- I like it when I'm at the beach and airplanes fly by with their Advertising. Eat More KRUNCHY KAKES Donuts - Hey, Ralph! Have Some Pop's PORK RINDS I don't like it, however, when they know I'm in my backyard and they circle the house!
dr030908 -- Lock the door! Close the blinds! - Steinbauer pronounced a curse on me! Don't be ridiculous! - I'm telling you, there's a CURSE upon my head!! - Maybe that explains your bald spot! Did he put a curse upon your stomach?
dr030909 -- Well, Ralph...are you ready for me to remove the Steinbauer Curse from your head? - All you have to do is apologize and beg for mercy. - I don't believe in the "Steinbauer Curse", and I refuse to beg you for anything! - Dad, can they raise
dr030909 -- our insurance rates if I just drove off with a gas pump hose still in the car? JUST IN CASE, ARE YOU GOING TO BE HOME ALL DAY?
dr030910 -- Ralph! What happened to your neck? nothing, yet... - But ever since Steinbauer put a curse on me, bad things have been happening! - I figure it's a good idea to put the neck brace on BEFORE I get hurt! - BONK! OW!! See? Am I smart or what??
dr030911 -- Ralph, this "Steinbauer Curse" business is silly. Nothing that bad has happened to you! Oh, really? - Your mother is coming for an extended visit, our insurance rates are going up, we've had plumbing problems... - And my TV remote fell in
dr030911 -- the fish tank! - Is that all? DID I MENTION YOUR MOTHER IS COMING TO AN EXTENDED VISIT?!!
dr030912 -- You win, Steinbauer! I beg you to remove the "Steinbauer Curse" from my head! - I beg it's customary to beg from bended knee! - NEVER! - Ralph, not only is my mother coming to visit, she's bringing her poodle, Gigi! One knee or two?
dr030913 -- I hereby remove the Steinbauer Curse! Thank you, Mr. Steinbauer! Thank you! - Good news, Ralph! My mother just arrived for her extended visit! - I THOUGHT YOU REMOVED THE CURSE!! - I removed the STEINBAUER Curse. The MOTHER-IN-LAW Curse is an
dr030913 -- entirely different thing!
dr030914 -- - - - - What?? - You ate that entire cheeseburger in only five bites! - That's a new record! It's nice to be a source of inspiration to your children!
dr030915 -- Gosh, dad, it's such a hot day... - How can you stand to wear those sweatpants?? - Your father's sweatpants are well-ventilated!
dr030916 -- Sign here, please. Aren't you going to ask to see my photo I.D.? - During a credit card transaction, the sales clerk should ALWAYS ask to see a photo I.D.. - Dad's become quite security.conscious, hasn't he? Not really... - He finally got a
dr030916 -- good driver's license photo and he likes to show it off! Yup. That's you!
dr030917 -- !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111!!!!!!! - boop! Whew - I hate it when my friend Peggy calls because it always turns into an hour-long conversation! - Peggy obviously doesn't know when to stop listening!
dr030918 -- Fifty years from now, I wonder if there will still be such a thing as tapioca pudding. - You hardly ever see the youth of today eating tapioca pudding. - Seems a shame! Some people worry about endangered species. Dad worries about endangered
dr030918 -- desserts!
dr030919 -- I'm trying to decide how to make a better impression on girls. - Should I try to change my image, or should I just be myself? - What would you do if you were in my shoes, dad? - Tie 'em!
dr030920 -- - - Uh-oh - Just in case you're interested, our phone bill required extra postage this month. I better go.
dr030921 -- Now close your eyes, birthday boy! - - - OK, open them! - Ralph? - Z Never ask a man his age to close his eyes!
dr030922 -- The personalized license plate on the car ahead of us says "Foxychick!. - Maybe we should pull up along side and have a look? - - Hello, highway patrol? I'd like to report a stolen vehicle!
dr030923 -- twirl twirl - twirl twirl twirl - twirl twirl twirl twirl twirl twirl - I should've ordered rigatoni!
dr030924 -- Let me try this again... - twirl twirl twirl twirl - twirl twirl twirl twirl twirl twirl twirl - Check, please!
dr030925 -- Marco! Marco! - ? Marco! Marco! Marco! Marco! - Norman, it takes at least two people to play Marco Polo! No wonder I keep losing!
dr030926 -- Hmmm... - Waiter, what is the catch of the day? - Mahi mahi. - I heard you the first time!
dr030927 -- Know what I'm in the mood for? - Yeah,,,an ice cream sundae! - How did you know? - My stomach is always a step ahead of you! No comment.
dr030928 -- We're the first ones in the theater, so we can sit wherever we want! - Let's sit here in the center! You can't do any better than this! - - On second thought, let's move. It's too drafty here! - This is much better! We'll have a great view
dr030928 -- from here! - Aren't you going to sit down, dad? Not yet. - On second thought, I don't like it here either. Let's try the balcony.
dr030929 -- I wish I wasn't so shy. - I seem to be afraid of everybody and everything! - You should do something that will force you out of your comfort zone. That's the whole problem... - I don't even HAVE a comfort zone!
dr030930 -- I've devised a plan to overcome my shyness... - Over the course of my lifetime, I intend to say hello to every person on earth! - - ...starting with the next one!
dr031001 -- Do you really think you can say hello to every person on earth? - Just watch me... - - I said hello to to him yesterday!
dr031002 -- So far, I've said hello to 17 people! Do you still think you can say hello to every person on earth? - How many people are there in the world? Over 6 billion! - No problem... - I'll say hi to the rest of them next time I'm in line at the
dr031002 -- department of motor vehicles!
dr031003 -- Rats! I can't understand why I'm not a better putter! - I guess I don't have good hand-eye coordination! - You certainly have good hand-NOSE coordination!
dr031004 -- Ooooohh! - Tell your mom I'd like another hot fudge sundae. But you've already had three! - I'm in training! Training?? - He's determined to win the cannonball contest at the lodge pool party!
dr031005 -- Well, I'm finally getting a good night's sleep! - After years of listening to your father's infernal snoring, I finally got the bright idea to use earplugs! - The doctor told him his snoring might decrease if he lost a few pounds, but he was
dr031005 -- to lazy to do that! - Then I asked him to wear those nasal strips, but he was too lazy to do that, either! - So now I use earplugs at night, and I no longer have to listen to his incessant racket! - Doesn't it bother you to hear mom complain
dr031005 -- about you like that? Huh? - Sorry, I couldn't hear you. Your mom uses these earplugs at night, and I use 'em the rest of the day!
dr031006 -- I always wondered how the castaways on "Gilligan's Island" had so many clothes. - After all, they were just going on a little cruise! Why would they pack so much? - Now I understand. You must've packed for them! Oh, hush!
dr031007 -- We haven't left the dock yet, and I'm already bored! Bored?? - This cruise ship has everything! Shows, games, parties... It's going to be awful. - It has a casino, an exercise room, a dance floor... I can't believe you talked me into this! -
dr031007 -- Oh, and a 24-hour free buffet! ANCHORS AWEIGH!!
dr031008 -- Our first cruise! Isn't it exciting, Ralph? - We can relax and not worry about anything for an entire week! - So feel free to take off the life vest! I'm only wearing this because I look good in orange!
dr031009 -- Ralph, I know you're not crazy about boats, but I think you'll enjoy this cruise! - These modern ocean liners are very safe! - And our cabin has everything! A TV, a phone, a... - Mayday! Mayday! Give me the captain! I think I see an iceberg!
dr031009 -- Ralph, that's Catalina!
dr031010 -- Isn't this cruise ship exciting, Ralph? I can't decide what to do next! - We could see a show or we could play Bingo... - Or we could go swimming or play ping-pong or... Rats! - What's wrong? I think I've already got scurvy!
dr031011 -- Ralph! Look who's sitting in the lounge! It's the captain! That captain? - Hello, captain! Hello! - Pardon my ignorance, captain, but may I ask a nautical question? Certainly! - While you're down here having a belt, WHO'S STEERING THE BOAT???
dr031012 -- Soda On your mark...get set... - GO! - - - DONE! - I'm the fastest soda filler! You must have started with more ice! Those two can turn anything into a contest!
dr031013 -- I get the feeling you're starting to enjoy being on the cruise, Ralph! I'll say! - The buffets are fantastic! I can't believe all the free food! - I think I'll go back for sevenths! Sir, the captain wants me to remind you that the food needs
dr031013 -- to last until Friday!
dr031014 -- Basketball on a cruise ship! - - Whoa! - Maybe you shouldn't take any more jump shots!
dr031015 -- Welcome to the show, sir! I see you've been enjoying the free buffet! - You should know! You were my waiter! - Score: Fat Guy...1 Cruise Ship Comedian...0 I'm glad you're starting to enjoy yourself.
dr031016 -- Ralph, shopping in Ensenada has been my favorite part of the ship cruise! - Mine, too! Look what I bought! A box of Mexican jumping beans! tikka tik tok . The kids will love them! Kids?? tok tok tikka - OK, I'll go back and get some for them,
dr031016 -- too!
dr031017 -- I just had a thought... Congratulations! - When we disembark, how will I get my jumping beans past security? tik tik tikkity - You're not supposed to bring agricultural products back into the country! Besides, they make such a racket that...
dr031017 -- tikka tikka tik-kitty! - What do you mean, CONGRATULATIONS?!
dr031018 -- Welcome Home, Mom and Dad! So, how was the cruise? - Great, until your dad tried to bring some jumping beans home inside the luggage. - A security guard heard the ticking sound, so he hurled the suitcase into the ocean! - Bummer! I'll say. I
dr031018 -- also had 12 slices of cheesecake from the buffet in there!
dr031019 -- Remember, Ralph, every parent on the soccer team has a responsibility... - Someone is the team mom, someone is the team sponsor... - The referee, the snack coordinator, the coaches, the keeper of the banner... - So be a good sport and don't
dr031019 -- complain about YOUR job! Oh, all right... TWEET! - But why am *I* always expected to provide the halftime shade??
dr031020 -- 0:1 No problem, team! You'll get it back! - 0:2 No problem! No problem! - 0:3 No problem! - 0:17 Problem.
dr031021 -- Don't give up, Varmints! - I know you're playing a rough tram... - Show 'em what you're made of! We are!! - Most of us are bleeding!
dr031022 -- Hey, no problem, Varmints! - That was a bad call! Don't worry about it! - The refs are human, too! - Sort of. I heard that, Ralph!
dr031023 -- BAD CALL, REF! - Hey, Steinbauer! You picked a bad time not to wear your contacts! - I will not tolerate verbal abuse from the parents, Ralph! - File. I'll try not to use any more verbs!
dr031024 -- Not one more word about my officiating, Ralph! OK - You're missing a good game, though! That's it! TWEET! - Yellow card! That means you have officially been warned! - I'm glad you can at least see well enough to distinguish colors!
dr031025 -- I've had it with you, Ralph! I'm giving you a RED CARD! What's that? - It means you must leave the field! And if you don't, I'll give you a BLACK card! - What's a black card mean? It's reserved for the most obnoxious parents... - It means
dr031025 -- you're the new ref! No! Please! Anything but that!
dr031026 -- Time for my favorite autumn tradition! - - - - Jumping into a pile of dad's candy wrappers! Please save some for the trick-or-treaters this year, Ralph!
dr031027 -- Come on, Norm! Open it up! Hold on...this is an exciting moment! - Do you realize that I am about to become the first person ever to look into this pumpkin? - No one in the history of the world has seen what's inside this pumpkin! I will be
dr031027 -- the first! - It's dark in here!
dr031028 -- Why do I even bother to buy Halloween candy? - I always eat it all before the kids get to my house, no matter how early they arrive. - Trick or treat! They're getting wise!
dr031029 -- TRICK OR TREAT! - NOW you show up! - I sat around waiting for trick-or-treaters and no one came, so I finally just ate all the candy myself! - It's not even dark yet! - Next year, try to get here in the morning!
dr031030 -- Beware! Turn Back!! - Go Away! No Trespassing Do Not Enter!! - KNOCK KNOCK - We like your Halloween decorations, Mr. Drabble! What decorations?
dr031031 -- TRICK OR TREAT! - Sorry, kids. We're out of candy. - Would you like some popcorn instead? Sure! - Be sure to ask your parents before operating the microwave!
dr031101 -- KNOCK KNOCK - Trick or treat! Aren't you kind of late? - What are you supposed to be, anyway? - An appliance repairman. I show up any time between 8 and 5.
dr031102 -- I'm home! - Hi, daddy! Hello, Penny! - - ? - - Poor dad! Even his HAT has a bald spot!
dr031103 -- - - - Three days after Halloween, the candy corn at the bottom of the bag starts to look pretty good!
dr031104 -- skattle skattle skattle skattle - skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle - *yawn* skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle Wally, quit chasing the cat!
dr031105 -- Here, Norman. This is for you. - For me?? How thoughtful! - A "get well" card! Thank you, Wendy! That's really... - I'M NOT SICK!!
dr031106 -- Catch the Frisbee, Wally! - skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle - skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle - Playing Frisbee with Wally requires a little skill! CLOMP!
dr031107 -- - Thinking out loud again?
dr031108 -- I think we should fatten up this duck for thanksgiving dinner! - Bob isn't a duck, dad. He's a rare, south America parrot that takes on the characteristics of a duck for survival in the jungle! - Oh, yeah. I forgot! - Gimme back that
dr031108 -- cheesecake!
dr031109 -- NUTS! It's headed for the lake, Ralph! - PLUNK! - ...sigh... - - - PTOO! - I could've SWORN it went in the lake! Every golfer should bring his own duck! See you on the back nine!
dr031110 -- Dad, I feel that I need to improve myself. - Congratulations, Norm! As they say: Once you realize you're cuckoo, you're halfway out the clock! - So, which of your many shortcomings are you going to tackle first? I'm going to try to be a nicer
dr031110 -- person! - NICER?! Are you NUTS?? Probably, but one thing at a time!
dr031111 -- I'm telling you, Norm, you're too nice! - People don't respect you if you're too nice! You need to be more... Excuse me, dad... - Oh, sir in the blue car! The light is green! You can go now! Sir? - JUST HONK THE HORN!! That wouldn't be nice!
dr031112 -- I mean it, dad...I think I should try to become a nicer person. - In my opinion, Norm, you're already TOO nice! - Why would you say a thing like that? - May I take your order, please? Oh, just bring me whatever's easiest for you! The defense
dr031112 -- rests.
dr031113 -- Here you are, sir! Thank you. - See, Norm? You're too nice! Why did you thank her for bringing your soda? - She's SUPPOSED to bring your soda! She gets PAID to do that! Quit being so nice!! OK. - Here's your burger! Thank you! You're killin'
dr031113 -- me, Norm!
dr031114 -- Norm, you need to be more assertive! Call our waitress over here and tell her to refill your soda! - I don't need a refill, dad. That's the whole point! - You don't NEED a refill, you WANT a refill! Her job is to bring you what you want! Now
dr031114 -- do it!! - Ahh, excuse me...if it's not too much trouble, and if you're not too busy, and if you wouldn't mind... I guess Rome wasn't built in a day.
dr031115 -- Norman, if you want people to respect you, you've got to be more assertive! Watch this... - Yo! Waitress! Refills on the double! Hop to it! Chop-chop! - - I'm sorry! Please forgive me! Yeah, never mind. We'll do it ourselves!
dr031116 -- 0:0 OK, team! Show 'em what we're made of! Let's be the first to score! - 0:1 OK, no problem! That's only one! Let's get it back! - 0:2 Big deal! That's only two! We're still the better team! Let's tighten our defense a little! - 0:3 They got
dr031116 -- lucky that time! Let's go! We can come back! - 0:4 - 0:12 Well, at least our uniforms are prettier!
dr031117 -- ...for it's one...two...three strikes you're out... - At the ooollld baallll gaaame! - - Oh, that was my cell phone, wasn't it? Maybe you should pick a ring tome you don't like so much!
dr031118 -- ...but thank you very much for calling! - You made my day! - Bye! - Wrong number. Tell me again why you thought you needed a cell phone!
dr031119 -- Speak, Wally! Speak! - woof! Good boy! - SNARF! - You're supposed to give the treats to Wally! I'm doing most of the work here!
dr031120 -- It's not too early to start thinking of a Christmas gift for Wendy. - Maybe she'd like a watch! No, she's already got a watch. - ...and she really, really like it! How can you tell! - Every time we go out together, she's always looking at it!
dr031121 -- comb comb comb comb - Perfect! - Tell me again why you want to look like you're wearing a hairpiece. I'm going for a mature look!
dr031122 -- Sit, Wally! Sit! - - Uh...OK, good dog! - Sometimes it's hard to tell when Wally isn't sitting!
dr031123 -- - - - - - Darn! I can't decide! - They're just paper towels! You could splurge and buy 'em both! You take all the fun out of shopping!
dr031124 -- Ah...allow me! - scoot! - You're supposed to pull out a woman's chair BEFORE she sits down! Oh, yeah, huh!
dr031125 -- Bulk Club Membership Discount Store Please, dad? Sorry, Norm. I'm on my break! - Come on! I promise not to ask you again for a whole month! oh, OK... - COMING THROUGH! What good is having a dad who works at bulk club if you can't get a
dr031125 -- dr031125 -- occasional ride on the fork lift?
dr031126 -- I think we should remodel our home! How come? - We need a media room! - 'scuse me. I think dad already HAS a media room!
dr031127 -- Be sure to congratulate your mom... - She dropped 15 pounds! Wow! - Congratulations, mom! Hee hee! Quit making jokes and help me puck this up!!
dr031128 -- Rats! I didn't put the Christmas lights away neatly last year. - Now I have to spend hours untangling them all. - Or not!
dr031129 -- SHRIEK!! WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?! - I hate it when that happens! Why does she have to make the same sound when she drops a roll of paper towels as she'd make when encountering Bigfoot?
dr031130 -- Have you ever noticed that it's getting harder and harder to mail a letter? - You can't just leave 'em in your mailbox anymore because of the possibility of theft! - We used to be able to drop them in the neighborhood collection box, but they
dr031130 -- took it out! - The drive-thru receptacles at the post office are always stuffed, and the line is out the door! - The only safe way to mail a letter is to personally hand it to our letter carrier! - Excuse me... - - Sorry. I thought you were a
dr031130 -- pit bull! You should look into e-mail, dad!
dr031201 -- - - - Eww, gross! No wonder it takes you so long to wrap gifts!
dr031202 -- It never fails... - Every time I wash my car, it rains! Oh, well... - You've only washed it twice in the last five years! It's still pretty amazing!
dr031203 -- Want a doggy treat, Wally? - Hey, what happened to all the doggy treats?? - Wally couldn't have eaten them all! Who on earth... - Ahh...a clue! scratch scratch
dr031204 -- ? rattle rattle pop! rattle pop! pop! rattle - Why is the dryer making such a strange racket? pop! pop! rattle rattle pop! - NORMAN!! poppity! pop! pop! Sweet! It worked!
dr031205 -- Here's your change! - Have a nice day! - snicker snicker! - It's time to buy a new car when the drive-thru clerks start giggling!
dr031206 -- "May the joys of the season be yours... - "But only if you're willing to dedicate yourself and play hard. - "Move! Down the line!! Get the lead out!! NOW!!" - It's a Christmas card from Patrick's soccer coach! Heartwarming.
dr031207 -- Norm! You shouldn't be doing your homework on the couch! - Sit at the table instead! How come? - If you sit at the table, the lighting will be better and you'll also have better posture! - You'll be able to concentrate better, and then you'll
dr031207 -- get better grades! ...Sigh... - - And then I can have the couch!
dr031208 -- Fa la la la laaah, la la la laaah! In a one horse open sleigh! You'll go down in historeee! And a happy new year! Tidings of comfort and joy! - That was really bad. Next time we go caroling, we need to agree on a song!
dr031209 -- Oh, look! We got a Christmas card from Gigi! GIGI?? - My mother's dog! You mother's dog sent us a Christmas card?? - "Woofing you a merry Christmas!" Isn't that precious? It warms my heart. - ...although that may have just been a little acid
dr031209 -- reflux!
dr031210 -- Time to break out the holiday candies! - - - I could've sworn I filled this one up already!
dr031211 -- Whenever you take the dog for a walk, always remember to tie one of those little blue baggies to the leash- skattle skattle skattle  - The neighbors always appreciate it. - It makes 'em think we're really gonna use it! skattle skattle skattle
dr031212 -- Norman! What happened to your thumb?? - I injured myself opening a Christmas card. - It was kind of a freak accident. - Any accident you're involved in is a freak accident. Thank you.
dr031213 -- Daddy, guess what! What, Penny? - It's the night before the night before the night before the night before the night before... - The night before the night before the night before the night before the night before... - The night before the
dr031213 -- night before Christmas!! Then you better get to bed early!
dr031214 -- Yuletide City I can't decide, Ralph! Which tree should we buy? I don't care. - Which do you like better? I like 'em both! Either one is fine. - Ralph, look at these two trees and give me your honest opinion... - Which one do you think is
dr031214 -- better? I like the one on the right. - The one on the RIGHT???! The one on the right is ugly and stupid and rotten!! - We'll take the one on the left! The only tine she asks for my opinion is when she doesn't want it!
dr031215 -- This tree is getting heavy, dad! - Don't give up, Norm! We're at most there! - One more twist oughta' do it! Why do they have to do everything the hard way?
dr031216 -- puff puff - - - I can't believe I need to exercise just to stay in this bad of shape!
dr031217 -- LEON, LEON... - - FLIP! - NOEL, NOEL...
dr031218 -- Norman, would you please put your dad's gift next to the tree? - Which one is dad's? It's all one gift! - It's not easy disguising a golf club!
dr031219 -- - How's that, dad? Norman, when I asked you to rotate the tires, I didn't mean to park it backwards!
dr031220 -- Hold on, Kathy...I have another call. - boop! Hello? - Hi, honeybunch! What's for dinner? - Pot roast. - OK, bye! - Sorry, Kathy. I hate "call waiting." On the other hand, I find it quite useful!
dr031221 -- Yuletide City - - Ralph! Come look at this one! - This is the prettiest tree I've seen all year! - And it's reasonably priced! - This tree is absolutely perfect! - RATS! Didn't you guys buy a tree here last week? Yup. Most people stop looking
dr031221 -- after they buy a tree, but we like to torture ourselves! Darn darn darn
dr031222 -- PS: Our kids are cuter than they appear. - PS: Our kids are cuter than they appear. - PS: Our kids are cuter than they appear. - My hand is killing me! If you're going to send photo-Christmas cards, you really should pick a photo that you
dr031222 -- like.
dr031223 -- Look Ralph! I'm standing under the mistle-toe! - - - Very funny tying it to the ceiling fan!
dr031224 -- - - - ? - Wally! Quit eating the popcorn string! munch munch munch
dr031225 -- Let's let mom open her present first! - Here you go, mom! Never ask Norman to help you tie a bow!
dr031226 -- I want you to know that I had no intention... - of going into the book store. - But a great parking spot up just as I was driving by, so I figured, why not? - The road to the poor house is lined with great parking spots!
dr031227 -- WHOA! NOT SO FAST! WHERE'S YOUR RECEIPT?! Oops! Sorry, it's right here! - ...OK, OK, OK, OK , OK... - Have a nice day! - Never try to slip past the bulk club exit sentinel!
dr031228 -- Let's go, Wally! - skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle - - - - Good boy! skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle - Did you take Wally for a walk around the block? More or less! pant pant pant
dr031229 -- - Fred's Towing - - It's time to get a new car when you start recognizing tow truck drivers!
dr031230 -- Thanks again for my Christmas gift, Wendy! - "Ukulele for morons" - How did you know I wanted to play the ukulele? I didn't - I just knew you were a moron! Well, thanks for the thought you put into it!
dr031231 -- There's only one day of the year I like better than Christmas... - The first trash AFTER Christmas!
dr040101 -- Goodbye, Bing...'bye, Nat...'bye, Andy... - I hate putting the Christmas music away! - It will be such a long time before I start listening to it again! That's true... - The fourth of July is a long way off! 'bye, Barking Dogs!
dr040102 -- - - - Don't ever get a facelift, OK, dad? My turn!
dr040103 -- For my new year's resolution, I've decided to say whatever is on my mind! - - - It's going to be a quiet year.
dr040104 -- - sniff sniff - sniff sniff sniff - sniff sniff sniff - sniff sniff - sniff sniff sniff sniff - sniff sniff sniff - sniff sniff sniff sniff - AH HA! - I found my shoes! We all knew they were around here someplace!
dr040105 -- Ralph, if it hurts that much to play racquetball, maybe you shouldn't do it anymore! - I haven't even played yet. This is from bending over to tie my shoes!
dr040106 -- Hmmm... - Honeybunch, are these my sweatpants or yours? - Gee, let me see... - They seem to fit you pretty well! I sense that you may have taken umbrage at the question.
dr040107 -- Look, Wally! i finally finished your sweater! - I've been knitting since august! - I should've quit in November.
dr040108 -- - - - Why did you have to go and tell him that birds are descended from dinosaurs? Sorry.
dr040109 -- - i can't see the movie! - your head is in the way! - Don't worry. I'll let you know if anything good happens!
dr040110 -- WHAM! - It would've been easier to empty the pool in September, like I told you to. - I'm a little behind on my "honey do" list.
dr040111 -- I'm back from the store, Ralph, and I have a carload of groceries! You sure do! - - Well? Well, what? - Aren't you going to help me? - Oh, yeah! you bet, honeybunch! - Holler if you need help opening the front door!
dr040112 -- This is my first visit to this dentist. - I heard that he shows movies during the exam. - i didn't realize HE was the one who watched them! Hee hee hee!
dr040113 -- Ooohh! I'm getting sick but I can't stop eating! - somebody please take away this bag of pork rinds! - GRRRRRR! - That's a good way to lose a finger! Never come between your dad and his pork rinds!
dr040114 -- How do you like my new hairstyle, dad? - Hmm...something doesn't look quite right about it. - Put your hands on your face and open your eyes real big. - NOW it looks right!
dr040115 -- Oops! - - When you're in my kind of shape, you learn to do a lot of things with your toes!
dr040116 -- - creak! - - YES! Just because the December credit card bill hasn't arrived yet, don't think they forgot about you!
dr040117 -- munch munch - GULP! - Dang. - i hate it when all my french fries are gone. Maybe they'd last longer if you didn't eat fifty at a time!
dr040118 -- The other day, i was standing outside talking to our neighbor. - And his wife came outside and brought him something to drink. - And i thought, "what a lucky man!" - I wish MY life would go to the trouble to bring me something to drink when
dr040118 -- I'm outside. - - Very funny, honeybunch! Now put down that garden hose!
dr040119 -- Time to visit the college cafeteria and get together with my friends! - It's nice to have a place where you're accepted for what you are. A place where everybody knows your name! - 'afternoon, everybody! Nerd Table NORM!
dr040120 -- Nerd Table I almost got up the nerve to speak to Emily! - Dude! Who's almost the man?!! - SLAP! - Ow! Ow! Pathetic, aren't we?
dr040121 -- Hello? Is this the 99c store? - How much do you charge for pocket protectors? - OK, thanks. - 99c. I'll bet it's cheaper at the dollar store!
dr040122 -- Hey, are you using this chair? - THIS chair that I'm SITTING on right now? Uh...no, I guess I'm not using it. - Have a nice day! Leonard may be overqualified to sit at the nerd table!
dr040123 -- Here's to the nerds: Norman, Leonard and Stu! - - SNORF - QUIT TRYING TO MAKE MILK COME OUT OF MY NOSE!!
dr040124 -- It's important for us nerds to stick together. - Individually, we're nothing, but together... - - We're still nothing. I didn't want to say it!
dr040125 -- Thank you! Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to the show! - Our guest tonight are Barry Manilow...the Crocodile Hunter... - And that actress who's been in lots of movies, but whose name I can't remember! - But first, say hello
dr040125 -- to our bandleader, Wendy Fleetwood! - We'll be right back after these messages! - And now I'd like to do a little dance! Ya-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta... Are you going to order something or not? Sorry. He's a few sesame seeds short of a whopper!
dr040126 -- I'm off my book club, Ralph! You're in charge of the kids! - Remember, no junk food, and they all have to be in bed by nine-thirty! - They may not watch wrestling with you, and don't you dare allow them to play video games, OK? 'bye! - Even
dr040126 -- when I'm in charge, I'm not in charge!
dr040127 -- drum drum drum drum - drum drum drum drum drum drum drum drum drum - Could you make any MORE noise? - Sure! bumpity bumpity bumpity bump bump thump thump bump thump bump Sarcasm is wasted on Norman.
dr040128 -- Don't be so pig-headed, Ralph! - You need to consider opposing viewpoints! - I DO consider opposing viewpoints! - I consider them stupid!
dr040129 -- Did you write your name on your new soccer ball, Patrick? no. - Why? Because that's what everyone else does! - I'll always be able to identify my ball because it's the only one without a name on it! - Makes perfect sense to it! I'll go put my
dr040129 -- name on it.
dr040130 -- Hey, get your fet off the new sofa! - NEW?? This sofa is nine years old!! Anything made after 1970 is new to dad! ...and YOU keep your hands off my new 8-track tape player!
dr040131 -- OK, honeybunch, sorry again about that! - I'll take care of it right away, without fail! Say no more! - don't worry! I'll get on it immediately! I promise! - how come whenever your mom bellyaches, it's always MY belly that ends up aching?
dr040201 -- Here's the church, here's the steeple. Open the door... - See all the people! Wow!- Daddy, daddy! Watch this! - Here's the church, here's the steeple, open the door... - - Hey, what happened to everybody?! It's Super Bowl Sunday!
dr040202 -- - This is your traffic reporter up in the jet-copter. We have a major problem on your afternoon commute!
dr040203 -- - Whew! It took an entire month, but I finally got all of our Christmas decorations packed-up and put away! - - The thanks I get for being helpful!
dr040204 -- What's that?? - Dad's nose is whistling! That's odd. - Why? His nose whistles all the time! Yes, but it usually whistles in c-sharp. - Today, it's whistling in e-flat! Maybe his nose needs to be tuned!
dr040205 -- scrape scrape scrape scrape scrape  scrape scrape scrape scrape  scrape scrape scrape - I take it you don't care for sesame seeds.
dr040206 -- Let's see...ah, here it is... - "If he exhibits embarrassing behavior in public... - ...tap him on the shoulder and say 'Stop it' in a firm voice." . - STOP IT! Dummies For Dummies
dr040207 -- push push push push - press push push push press push press press push - push push There we go! - I finally figured out how to operate the DVD player: push every button until something happens!
dr040208 -- Dad, I need some fatherly advice. OK! - Wait here while I put on my "fatherly advice" outfit! - Why does dad always have to change his clothes before he gives fatherly advice? - Because he grew up watching old TV sitcom. - Those wise old TV
dr040208 -- dads always dispensed advice while wearing a necktie and one of those sweaters with patches on the elbows! - It helps your dad get into the "fatherly advice"  mode if he tries to look the part! - I guess I don't mind the sweater and
dr040208 -- necktie... - But does he have to make himself black and white?? Now, what seems to be the problem, beaver?
dr040209 -- Oogie, you're such a pretty wittle kitty-kitty! - Honeybunch, please don't speak baby talk to your cat! - It's not dignified! - Isn't that wight, my whacky Wally weenie doggie?
dr040210 -- Penny, it's a pretty day! Why aren't you playing outside? - I'm afraid of being attacked by a coyote! - That's ridiculous! You stand a better chance of being struck by lightening! - Penny, come out from under there!
dr040211 -- For Sale 555 12 98 - That was a really expensive car! How do you know? - It costs $5,551,298! - It must have a CD player! That was the PHONE NUMBER!!
dr040212 -- - - Nerd Table Not to brag, but I came very, very close to actually giving someone a valentine! You're braver than we are!
dr040213 -- OK, watch this part! It's crucial to the outcome! - There! Did you see it? Don't forget it! - OK, now watch this part! This is really funny! Watch! - HA HA HA snort! Don't ever again invite me to a movie you've already seen!
dr040214 -- What a great way to spend valentine's day... - A romantic dinner, romantic music and a romantic companion! - Two of three isn't bad! If you're hanging around here because you think I'm gonna give you a tip, forget it!
dr040215 -- Mmm-BOY! Do I love ice cream!! - Dad, I have some bad news. What is it, son? - I used your new putter to unclog the garbage disposal, and it got slightly damaged. Oh, well...accidents happen! - Dad, I'm sorry to tell you this, but I broke our
dr040215 -- neighbor's windshield. No big deal! - Ralph, I don't know how it happened, but I lost a hundred dollars! Easy come, easy go! - Daddy, I stepped on the TV clickers! Oopsie! - The key to breaking bad news to your father is to do it when he's
dr040215 -- eating ice cream! I also dented the car. C'est la vie!
dr040216 -- You know, Norman may not have a lot of personality... - He may not have much charisma...he may not have a lot of presence... - But I sure miss him when he's not here! Sniff! - I'm here, dad! You are?? Oh, yeah, huh!
dr040217 -- Norman, wipe the sleep out of your eyes! - squeaky squeaky - Much better! - It's cute when Norman has sleep in his eyes! AT 4:30 IN THE AFTERNOON??
dr040218 -- blah blah blah ...Sigh... - blah blah blah Another long, boring story. - blah blah blah Ror row row your boat... - Gently down the stream. Fortunately, Norman is easily distracted!
dr040219 -- Honeybunch! Come quick! - There's some old guy in the bathroom! ? - I can't argue with that! I'm telling you, dad, that's what you look like! What have you done with me?!
dr040220 -- scribble scribble scribble - What are you doing? I've started keeping a daily log. - Each night, I write down every embarrassing thing that happened to me that day. - You must have had a bad day. You've already filled up two pages! I'm not
dr040220 -- even up to lunch!
dr040221 -- Hey! How are you doing! Do I know you? - I wasn't talking to you! You just asked how I was doing! - No, I was talking to YOU! I wasn't talking to YOU! - You're nuts! Hello? Hello?
dr040222 -- Chocolate chip! My favorite! THUNK - Ralph, why did you take all the ice cream? - Didn't it occur to you that someone else might like to have some? - Honeybunch, need I remind you that I am the king of this castle? - Apparently, you've lost
dr040222 -- sight of that! - The only thing I've lost sight of is your belt! I married a comedian!
dr040223 -- Hmm... - Do these look like split ends? Yes. - SWEET! Dad likes split ends because they make it look like he has twice as much hair!
dr040224 -- - Caught her! How do you suppose Oogie knows when she's going to the vet?
dr040225 -- I finally caught you, Oogie! The hard part is over! - Now all I have to do is put you in the kitty carrier! - - Let go off the carpet!
dr040226 -- Hey, you miserable cat! I see they finally got you into the kitty carrier! - You know what that means! You're going to the vet! Hee hee! - SHRED - I hope he trims your nails!
dr040227 -- Well? How did it go at the vet? Mom, I need to prepare you for something... - Oogie isn't exactly the same cat anymore. What? - The vet told me that Oogie needed to be groomed, so I said OK... - It's called a "lion cut"!
dr040228 -- Oogie, believe me...you look much better after being groomed! - It's called a "lion cut." It doesn't make you look silly at all! - It actually makes you look quite dignified! - Right, guys? At times like this, I wish I had a lip to bite! One
dr040228 -- crack from the wiener dog, and I'm outta here!
dr040229 -- - press press - push push press press push push - WHACK! - FOOMP - - push push press press press - press press push push push push push press - WHAP! -
dr040301 -- Hey, Norm, let's hop in the car and go get a burger! OK! - You know, I have a distinct feeling that I'm forgetting something. - It's something really important, too. - Your pants, maybe? Naw, I don't need pants, we'll just use the drive-thru!
dr040302 -- scratch scratch hmmm... - Holy cow! My 25th anniversary is this Friday! - I'm sure glad I remembered! I wonder what reminded him of that? - Our 25th Anniversary is Friday in case you forgot!
dr040303 -- I need to buy your mom a gift for our 25th anniversary. - Maybe I'll buy her some expensive jewelry. - YIKES! - I never realized expensive jewelry cost so much!
dr040304 -- It's hard to believe we've been married for 25 years! - I must say, honeybunch, for a woman your age, you don't look half...I mean...you look even less than half bad! - You only look about one-fourth bad! I mean... - Let me go out and come
dr040304 -- back in again! Better yet, go out and stay out!
dr040305 -- Honeybunch, it's our anniversary, and I'd like to say a few words straight from the heart. - The day I married you was the luckiest day of my life. - You grow more beautiful...uhh.. - Each and every day!
dr040306 -- Happy anniversary, honeybunch! - It's hard to believe we've been together for 25 years! - We've seen a lot of things come and go! - ...and a few things come and stay! Anyone want to read me a story?
dr040307 --  - - - - - No more hook shots! Sorry!
dr040308 -- Z - Something tells me there will never be a Ralph Drabble action figure.
dr040309 -- munch munch munch  munch munch - Wally could live off dad's crumbs! - The American Kennel Club could live off your dad's crumbs!
dr040310 -- Norm, step into my study. - I feel like dispensing a little fatherly advice! - Here, you might want to take notes! I wish he had a real study!
dr040311 -- Honeybunch, where is the camera film. In the refrigerator. - Why do you keep film in the refrigerator?? It stays fresher! - That's ridiculous! Who would ever think to look for camera film in the refrigerator?? - Dad, where do you keep the the
dr040311 -- hammer? In the medicine cabinet.
dr040312 -- Caution Wet Floor - Look out! Here's another one! Caution Don't Trip Over Sign
dr040313 -- "I'll be brief..." "Studies prove..." - "I'm glad you asked that question" - What's going on? - Dad's telling me his favorite expressions that are never true. "This will only hurt a little"
dr040314 -- You love coming here to the all-you-can-eat buffet, don't you, Ralph? You say it, honeybunch! - I can go back for more pizza and chili and ice cream as many times as I want! - This place was MADE for me! I don't know how they stay in
dr040314 -- business, considering all I eat! - CLOSED??!! How can it be closed?? It's dinner time!! - It IS closed! There's nobody in there! Darn! - - Thank you for your cooperation! You may return to your seats! That concludes today's "Ralph Alert"!
dr040315 -- Bills, bills, and more bills! - - This is one of the rare occasions when I'm glad my husband perspires a lot!
dr040316 -- Uh-ho...the expiration date on this mayonnaise is February of '03! - Maybe that means February of 2013? Yeah! Let's go wit that!
dr040317 -- Is it true you were on the track team in high school, dad? It sure is! - What was your event? Hurdle. - You mean, HURDLES? No, just hurdle. - I only cleared one of 'em!
dr040318 -- Oh, no! Please tell me it isn't so! - Please tell me this is just a horrible dream! - Please tell me my donut shop employees aren't on strike!
dr040319 -- Ralph, you are the single most important man to the local donut economy! We're counting on you to support the strike! - Without your business, we'll bring management to its knees in no time! - RALPH RALPH RALPH I don't want to be a hero, I
dr040319 -- just want a donut!
dr040320 -- OK, thanks for the update. 'bye. - Bad news...the donut shop employees are still on strike!! - What am I going to do without my morning donut each day?? - Lower your cholesterol? Yipes! This strike is dragging into its third hour!
dr040321 -- Halt! May I see your receipt, please? What for? - I am the Bulk Club exit sentinel. I compare the items in your cart with the items on your receipt to make sure it's all paid for! - OK, let's see...what do we have here...? - ATHLETE'S FOOT
dr040321 -- SPRAY...ANTI-GAS PILLS... - HAIR DYE FOR MEN... - I DON'T SEE HAIR DYE FOR MEN ON THIS RECEIPT! WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO PULL HERE??? - It's right there! Oh, yeah, huh. So it is! OK! - Thank you for shopping at Bulk Club! Are there any other
dr040321 -- exits?
dr040322 -- It's 7:15. This is when I usually go to the doughnut shop... - But I can't because the doughnut employees are still on strike! - When will it ever end?? - I'm telling you, honeybunch, this doughnut strike is having an effect on me! It shows!
dr040323 -- Any news on the doughnut strike, dad? There's no end in sight. Both sides are still far apart! - They need a mediator. Someone who is wise and fair. - * - Why did you put on your "fatherly advice" outfit? I've got a strike to settle, son!
dr040324 -- Right this way, gentlemen... - Step into my office and we'll have this strike settled in no time! - SHRIEK! - Your wife is in the tub, Ralph! Sorry, honeybunch! One of these days, you need to get a real office!
dr040325 -- knock knock knock Dad! I have to use the bathroom! - How much longer until you have the doughnut strike settled? - No, YOU are! No, YOU are! No, YOU are! No, YOU are! Better go down to the gas station, son!
dr040326 -- Ralph! Why are you mediating a labor dispute in our bathroom?! knock knock - It's the closest thing I have to an office! - Besides, maybe cramped quarters will help bring both sides together! - CRACK!! Ow!! Hey, quit snapping towels!
dr040327 -- Dad, are you guys done yet? We need to brush our teeth! knock knock  - One more minute! We're about to resolve the doughnut strike once and for all! - Call it! Heads! No, *I* want heads!
dr040328 -- Darn! - I need a sharper knife! What are you doing, honeybunch? - I'm slicing brownies! Sweet! - Can I have some? - You can have one piece! - I picked the biggest! Hope you don't mind!
dr040329 -- Here's the glue. Thanks, dad. - Norm, what exactly made you think it would be a good idea to put dishes in the washing machine? - I wish I knew. - Sometimes my brain has a mind of its own!
dr040330 -- I feel lousy! I've been coughing and sneezing all day! - I must be coming down with something! I probably caught it from you! - I'm losing my voice! - I wish she'd hurry up!
dr040331 -- Norman, your shoelace is untied. Yeah, right! - I'm not falling for jokes like that! I know today is April fool's day! - Actually, today is March 31st. Uh-oh... - Does that mean my barn door has really been open all day?
dr040401 -- ? - That's odd. There was no one at the door! - Oh, well. As I was saying, I heard a funny joke... - "Knock knock..." There it is again!
dr040402 -- * - - What. - I miss the good ol' days before caller i.d.
dr040403 -- Top o' the morning, Steinbauer! - What's with you? Nothing. I'm just happy! - - Be happy. It drives your enemies crazy!
dr040404 -- Modern technology is amazing. - Whenever something is wrong with the car, a warning sign flashes on the dashboard. - For example, if one of our lights is burned out, a picture of a light bulb flashes. - If we're low on oil, it flashes a
dr040404 -- picture of an oil can. - When it flashes the words "service engine soon", it means we're due for a tune-up. - So, what does THAT sign mean? - I don't know, but something tells me it isn't good!
dr040405 -- I'm home! - Now, THIS is how I should always be greeted! - I think everyone should act this way when I return home! - I act that way when he LEAVES home!
dr040406 -- AAAAAAHH!! What's wrong?? - I just had a strange sensation on the left side of my body!! - THERE IT IS AGAIN!! - CALL 911! Norman, your cell phone is on "vibrate"!
dr040407 -- ...one empty boy of cookies, one empty bag of chips... - An empty bottle of soda, an empty box of crackers, an empty can of aerosol cheese... - 3 candy wrappers and a banana peel. Your total is $24.72 - It's much easier to carry out the
dr040407 -- groceries when you eat it all in the store!
dr040408 -- - These little book lights give off a lot of light, don't they? Where do we keep the sun screen?
dr040409 -- ...an empty bag of pork rinds, an empty bottle of grape juice... - an empty box of ice cream bars and an apple core. Your total is $17.86. - Sir, would you like help carrying your groceries to the car? Sure! - Hic!
dr040410 -- - - Dad, why are you eating pretzels immediately after drinking a weight-loss shake? munch munch munch - Because in a few seconds, I won't be hungry any more! oh, yeah, huh!
dr040411 -- Happy anniversary, Wendy! Huh? - Today is the anniversary of the first time I ever set eyes upon you. - We stepped into an elevator together and I said, "going up?" - And you said, "we're on the ground floor, Einstein. Where else would we
dr040411 -- go?" - And I said, "You must have me confused with someone else. My name is Norman." - Then I sneezed on the back of your head! - That day changed my life forever! Mine too. - Now I always take the stairs.
dr040412 -- Ralph, will you help me with the groceries? - - - Whew! So, what's for dinner? I was thinking of ordering a pizza!
dr040413 -- Why does my teacher give me so much homework?! - Tonight I have to study vocabulary, grammar, reading, spelling, and phonics! - I'm going to be up all night! Too bad. I'm going to bed. - By the time I get to phonics, she'll be raisin'.
dr040414 -- Dad! I've got a date tonight! - Who's the lucky girl? Beats me. It's a blind date! - Who set you up? Wendy. - WENDY SET YOU UP ON A BLIND DATE?? And I thought she didn't like me!
dr040415 -- Dad, since I have a blind date tonight, can I borrow some of your "smell good" stuff? - Sure, son. Would you prefer cologne or after shave? - Better make it cologne. - I'm due for a shave for another three weeks!
dr040416 -- How come you have so much cologne, dad? - Everyone gives it to me for Christmas, birthdays and father's day! - I've never used up an entire bottle of cologne in my life! - Hey, this stuff's pretty good. I used it for my senior prom and for my
dr040416 -- 40th birthday party!
dr040417 -- Norm, if you want to impress your blind date, I recommend this cologne. - Trust me. It'll drive her wild. - Thanks for the advice, dad. - You're like a father figure to me! I do what I can!
dr040418 -- Dad's home! His car just pulled up! - It's about time! He's been at the gym all day! The GYM?? - He joined one of those fitness gyms with all the exercise equipment. - Today was his first visit. Just hope he didn't overdo it! - Something
dr040418 -- tells me I'm going to be really sore tomorrow!
dr040419 -- So long, dad. I'm leaving for my blind date! OK, son! - Which one of my colognes did you choose to wear? - Actually, none of them... - I decided the best-smelling stuff you have is your roll-on deodorant.
dr040420 -- It's true what they say: blind dates can be very awkward. - I'm finding it very difficult to carry on a conversation with this girl, but I must keep trying. - So, Ina...I understand you're the drive-thru clerk at Galtburger! That will be
dr040420 -- $8.49 at the second window, please!
dr040421 -- So, do you enjoy working in the drive-thru window, Ina? - Actually, with this remote handset, I don't have to stay in the window! - I can be virtually anyplace, and still...whoops, excuse me... - Welcome to Galtburger. May I take your order,
dr040421 -- please? I take it this isn't your day off!
dr040422 -- Mom! Dad! What are YOU doing here?? - We were so excited about your blind date, we just couldn't stay away! - Yeah, this is really a big event, son! We want to always remember it! - Give her a kiss or something! DAD!
dr040423 -- Ina works at the drive-thru window of Galtburger! Hey, I know you! - You come to the drive-thru every night at 5:30 and order a cheeseburger! - You stop for a cheeseburger every night before dinner?? Not EVERY night, honeybunch... - Only the
dr040423 -- nights you cook! Welcome to Galtburger! Would you like to try our new spicy chicken sandwich?
dr040424 -- Welcome to Galtburger. Would you care to try our new low-carb chili dog? - ...OK, so that's one cheeseburger, one large fry, and a vanilla shake. Will that be all? - Your total is $4.79 at the second window, please. Maybe the movies wasn't
dr040424 -- the best place to bring Inga the drive-thru girl! Will you tell her to shut up?
dr040425 -- How Men Pick Out Anniversary Cards scratch scratch scratch Hey, here's a good one! It has flowers on it! If you were my wife, would you like this one? This card is pretty and has lots of words! The first guy to pick a winner, let me know!
dr040425 -- This one must be good, dad. There's only one left!
dr040426 -- Wow! Look at this! "American Idol" is having auditions in our town for next season! - Gee...I wonder if I... - Nwa. What could be more ridiculous than ME auditioning for "American Idol"? - How do I look?
dr040427 -- Dad, you can't audition for "American Idol"! You're too old! - Nonsense! You're never too old when you have talent! - Besides, I know how to appear more youthful! - What do you think? Apparently the 99c store sells hairpieces!
dr040428 -- Are you really going to audition for "American Idol", Ralph? - Absolutely! I've got LOADS of talent! - I'm Ruben and Clay rolled into one! - No argument there! Dang! There goes another button! ping!
dr040429 -- Look! Dad's on TV auditioning for "American Idol"!! - Aren't you a bit old? Old?? Why, I'm just a kid!! - You can tall by my thick head of hair and my high school sweater! - You should be auditioning to host "60 Minutes"! Look! I even have a
dr040429 -- yo-yo! How young can you get??
dr040430 -- My name is Ralph Drabble, and let's get one thing straight: I refuse to kiss-up to anybody! - I will be the next "American Idol", and I believe it with every fiber of my being! - That's a lot of fiber! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
dr040430 -- HA HA - Simon, may I sincerely say that you have the finest sense of humor in the United States!
dr040501 -- Tell us about yourself, Ralph. - I prefer to let my music do the talking...er, I mean, SINGING! - I prefer to let my singing do the TALKING! No, that's not right, either... - I prefer to let my TALKING do the SINGING! I mean... NEXT!
dr040502 -- Patrick's TANNING SALON $1.00 each 1/2 hour Sorry. Your time is up. Darn! I wish I had another buck!
dr040503 -- I'm Ralph Drabble, And I intend to become the next "American Idol". - I have decided to perform a well-known popular standard. - I'd like to dedicate this song to you, Paula... - Row row row your boat...
dr040504 -- ...gently down the stream... - Merrily merrily merrily merrily... - Life is but a... Dad needs to pick up the tempo. - Oops! Now he needs to pick up the hairpiece!
dr040505 -- ...life is but a dream. - Dude, you stink! Thanks, Dawkg! I'll take that as a compliment! - Ralph, you're the first person I've ever heard forget the words for "Row row row your boat." Thanks, Paula! There's more where that came from! - We
dr040505 -- probably shouldn't have recorded this, huh? Hopefully, we'll run out of tape before we hear from Simon!
dr040506 -- Ralph, that was ghastly. - You are without a doubt, the worst singer in North America! - Now, hold it right there, Simon! That's simply not true! - There's a guy who works at a mini-mart in Barstow...
dr040507 -- Good bye, Ralph. NEXT! - Now, wait a minute! I didn't get a fair shake!! - I sound a lot better in the shower! I'll prove it! - Ralph! Put your clothes back on!! 99 bottles of beer on the wall...
dr040508 -- ...48 bottles of beer on the wall.. The answer is NO, Ralph. Good bye! - You can't say no yet! I've still got 47 bottles to go!! GUARDS! - But I wanna be the "American Idol"!! I wanna be a star!! - I WANNA MEET RYAN SEACREST!!
dr040509 -- Thank you for my mother's day cards! - What do you do with all the cards we've made for you over the years, mommy? - I put them all in boxes for safekeeping! - Along with every picture you've ever drawn, and every story you've ever written! -
dr040509 -- Not to mention all of your school work, report cards, arts and crafts and every article of clothing you've ever worn! - How about our baby teeth? Do you keep those in boxes, too? Don't be ridiculous! - I keep those in my jewelry drawer! I've
dr040509 -- said it before and I'll say it again: Your mom puts the "mental" in "sentimental"
dr040510 -- Darn! We came all the way to the beach and it's overcast! - It's cold! I'll never get a tan! - It's actually much sunnier on the other side of dad! Oh, yeah, huh!
dr040511 -- Fast forward... - Stop! Stop! Stop! - Darn! I went too far! Now I have to rewind! - Stop! Stop! Stop! Speeding up through the commercials rarely saves any time.
dr040512 -- ARE TOO! AM NOT! - **!!***! - * - Why are you opening the window? I'm trying to let some of the noise out!
dr040513 -- - - See that? Whoa! - If you stare at dad for a while, you can actually see him grow out of shape!
dr040514 -- Ralph, what is Mr. Steinbauer's number? - What do I look like, a phone book? - - Actually he kind of does! Especially when he wears yellow!
dr040515 -- - - - - I'd take my vitamins more often if they didn't make the tablets so big! This from a man who eats twinkles in one bite!
dr040516 -- gnaw gnaw gnaw - Mom, Wally is chewing up a shoe! Again?? - All right, it's time to get tough. Apparently there's only one way to get my message across. - I'll have to use the rolled-up newspaper! - BOP! - How many times have I told you not
dr040516 -- to let Wally chew up the shoes?!
dr040517 -- Thank you again, sir. I am deeply honored! Goodbye! What's up, dad? - I have been asked to deliver this year's graduation address at the mall cop academy! - *sniff* this is the proudest moment of my life! - The mall cop academy?? Dang! I
dr040517 -- forgot to ask if they were going to pay me anything!
dr040518 -- Dad, why do they want YOU to give the graduation speech at the mall cop academy? - Because I'm a legend in the business! Because I am highly regarded! - Because I am widely admired! - And because their first choice backed out! Was anyone
dr040518 -- talking to you?!
dr040519 -- Esteemed colleagues, distinguished guests, and fellow mall cops... tik tik tikka tikka tik tik - We are here today to honor the graduating class of 2004. - But first, allow me to relate a humorous anectode... Slow down, dad! You're talking too
dr040519 -- fast! - How do you spell "esteemed"? *sigh* Maybe I should ask Patrick to type my speech!
dr040520 -- ...once again, congratulations and good luck! - My speech is supposed to last ten minutes. How long was that? - About 45 seconds. - Perfect! I need to allow time for several standing ovations!
dr040521 -- Is that what you're going to wear to give your graduation address to the mall cop academy? Yes, Norm. - It's customary for the graduation speaker to wear a cap and gown! - How do I look? - Like a big bottle of India ink!
dr040522 -- I really admire you for agreeing to give the graduation speech at the mall cap academy, dad! - Giving a speech infront of thousands of people would make me freeze up! - I'd be petrified! I'd get the hiccups or lose my place! I'd be paralyzed
dr040522 -- with fear! - Oh, well, have fun! Did I say THOUSANDS of people?
dr040523 -- Oops, hold on, Kathy. I have another call coming in... - boop! - Hello? Oh, hi, Denise! - *** Hold on, Denise. My cell phone is ringing! - Hello? Oh, hi, Kristine! I was just talking to Kathy and Denise... - Hold on, I have another call
dr040523 -- coming in on my cell phone! - Push the button, Ralph! boop! - Hello? Oh, hi, Carrie! First came "call waiting". Now my wife has perfected "call juggling"!
dr040524 -- Mall Cop Academy 2004 Graduation Ceremony Our graduation address will be given by Ralph Drabble. - I'm sure you will find officer Drabble's remarks enlightening and his jokes hilarious! - Officer Drabble! - We've had a slight change in the
dr040524 -- program. Instead of ten minutes, we need you to talk for an hour!
dr040525 -- Fellow mall cops, I am fortunate to have worked my way up the law enforcement ladder. - My life has been a Cinderella story, and it's not just because I have a couple of ugly sisters! - - Is this microphone on?
dr040526 -- The crowd is fidgeting and I'm sweating like a pig. I HATE public speaking! Yawn! - What could be worse than having to give a graduation address? - - ...having to give a graduation address after your notes have blown away!
dr040527 -- Man, it's HOT out there! - If nobody minds, I think I'll take off this stupid gown! - Gee, I wish I hadn't done that. - Apparently, I forgot to put on pants!
dr040528 -- So. how was your graduation address to the mall cop academy? - Nobody laughed at my jokes, the wind blew my speech away, and I forgot to wear pants. - - Aside from that, did it go OK? He also hyperventilated!
dr040529 -- AAARRRRGH! - * * * hobble hobble - Huff! Puff! Looks like you've hit middle age, dad! - *I* didn't hit middle age, middle age hit *ME*!
dr040530 -- Daddy, can I have a yogurt? Sure, Penny! - Can I have two flavors? Of course! - Can I have a large instead of a small! If you want! - Can I have sprinkles on top? Fine with me! - Can I have sprinkles AND chocolate chips? I suppose. - Can I
dr040530 -- have TWO large yogurts? No. - - WAAAAAHH!
dr040531 -- - This is what you'd look behind bars. - And this what you'd look like during an eclipse. - That's what you'd look like with a hot fudge sundae on your head!
dr040601 -- Sometimes I worry that you don't like me. - Allow me to put your mind at rest. - Sleep! - Z
dr040602 -- My diet is working, honeybunch! - I've lost two inches of my waist! Really? Let me see! - Can I have some *puff* ice cream now?
dr040603 -- Dang! I can't find my remote! - Wait...I feel something under the cushion! - Sweet! Find-it? - No, but I found an easter egg!
dr040604 -- Before the doctor sees you, Mr. Drabble, you'll need to answer a few questions... - Have you had any recent depression? No. - Any dizziness? No. Any insomnia? No. - Have you experienced any irritability? Just my wife's.
dr040605 -- Norman, I told you to turn the TV OFF! I am, mom! flip flip flip - But you can't just turn it off, you have to turn it off on a GOOD CHANNEL! - For example, you should never turn it off on the surgery channel because the next time you turn on
dr040605 -- the TV, who knows WHAT you may see! - I wish you put this much thought into your homework! The golf channel! That's a good one to turn it off on!
dr040606 -- I'm home! - Hello, Wally! skattle skattle skattle - Now, this is how I like to be greeted when I come home from work! - With joy and excitement! My family can learn a lot from you, Wally! - All of you should greet me with such enthusiasm! -
dr040606 -- OK, maybe not!
dr040607 -- ...my cholesterol, my blood pressure... - My weight and my stress level. - - Never ask dad "what's up?" Oh, yeah...and my financial debt!
dr040608 -- What's for dinner? Chicken casserole. - - What's for dinner tomorrow? Pizza. - YES! ...assuming you live that long!
dr040609 -- Sweet! The pool is filled! - COWABUNGA!! - Whenever I go in the pool with dad, I never get wet!
dr040610 -- I know you're busy, Norman, but somebody needs to take him outside for a walk! Z - He's been inside the house all day. He needs exercise! OK. - Come on, dad. Let's go for a walk! Z
dr040611 -- Here's your ice cream, Ralph. - Very funny, honeybunch. Well, you always complain about brain freezes. - I thought it would help if you didn't eat so fast! - She installed speed bumps on my ice cream spoon!
dr040612 -- ACHOO! Bless you. - ACHOO! Bless you. - ACHOO! Bless you. - ACHOO! You're on your own.
dr040613 -- bop! - - bop! - BAM! Nice spike. Thanks!
dr040614 -- What are you watching? Seniors auto racing. - Seniors? Yeah, it's like the seniors tour in golf. - All the participants are over 50! - That probably explains why so many of them are driving with their blinkers on.
dr040615 -- Keep going! I see a good spot over there! This is heavy! Can somebody help me with this cooler?! - It would probably have been easier just to bring the sand and water to our house! Can we rest a while while we unload the rest of the car?
dr040616 -- - - -
dr040617 -- - LOOK OUT BELOW! - SPLOOSH! - Coast Guard Mr Drabble, the people of Japan are calling, asking you to stop doing cannonballs in the ocean!
dr040618 -- I'd like peanut butter fudge on the bottom, then some strawberry and some banana. - And then a little bit of raspberry, and a smidgen of butterscotch on the top - On second thought, make it all vanilla!
dr040619 -- RING! - SHE'S NOT HOME! - -
dr040620 -- So, what would you like to do today, dad? Well, here's what I've decided... - First, I'm going to eat a big bowl of ice cream! - Then, I'm going to watch a ball game on TV! - After that, I'll take a nap, and when I wake up, I'll have some
dr040620 -- more ice cream! - Then I'll relax until dinner. After that, I'll watch a little more TV, then I'll go to bed early! - How's THAT for a plan? - That's exactly what you do EVERY Sunday! Yeah, we were hoping you'd want to do something different
dr040620 -- for father's day! If it ain't broke, don't fix it!
dr040621 -- It's about 78°, partly cloudy, with winds light and variable! - Anyway, as I was saying, summers on my uncle Ned's farm were very boring... - What's the weather like outside NOW, Norman? - I'll go check again! Remember, take your time!
dr040622 -- I really stuck to my diet today, honeybunch. All I had was a salad! - All you had the entire day was a salad?? ...and a couple of Granola bars. - ...and a few cookies, and a chili dog...and a sack of chips. - This conversation is making me
dr040622 -- hungry!
dr040623 -- AH HA HA HA - HEE HEE HA HA HA! - HOO HOO HOO HAW HAW! - I take it that's a "no" to my "family camping trip" idea. - Yeah, but thanks for a good laugh!
dr040624 -- Ralph, at least do me the courtesy of CONSIDERING a family camping trip before saying no! - All right, honeybunch... - I'll think about it. No. - You only thought about it for half a second! That's three-tenths of a second longer than I
dr040624 -- needed!
dr040625 -- Ralph, why don't you want to take a family camping trip? - It would be an opportunity for bonding! - You know something, you're right. It WOULD lead to bonding... - Not to mention casts, slings and stitches!
dr040626 -- Ralph, what have you got against camping?? - Honeybunch, camping is just plain wrong. - For thousands of years, man has known that it is better to sleep Indoors than OUTdoors! - That's why we were called CAVEmen instead of OUTSIDEmen! Leave
dr040626 -- your relatives out of it!
dr040627 -- Uh-oh... - RALPH Don't eat all the brownies. Don't try to fix the sink-I'll call a plumber. Don't forget to put away your junk. Don't trim the trees. You always make them look worse! Don't tease the cat. Don't mess up the living room. H.B. -
dr040627 -- Most wives give their husbands a "honey-do" list. My wife gives me a "honey-don't" list!
dr040628 -- Ralph, you're being unreasonable! Honeybunch, for the last time, we are NOT going camping! - Absolutely no way, ho how! Read my lips: No camping trip! - And that's final! - How much longer until we get there, dad?
dr040629 -- Congratulate me, honeybunch! I remembered to pack the cheese and crackers! - Can you imagine how awful this camping trip would've been if I forgot the cheese and crackers? - Congratulations. strakk - Now go unpack the sleeping bags! The
dr040629 -- whats?
dr040630 -- Who can tell me why we hang our food from a tree? - We do it to keep the bears from getting into it and eating it all! - Yeah, them, too!
dr040701 -- - Uh-oh... - We're already out of insect repellent! - You're supposed to spray it on YOURSELF, not in the AIR!! Oh.
dr040702 -- The campground brochure that the ranger gave us is very helpful. - It tells you what to do if you encounter a mountain lion, a bear, a rattlesnake, a swarm of bees and quicksand! - It also has many interesting facts... - Did you know 12 dead
dr040702 -- bodies have been discovered here? I'm gonna sleep in the car, OK, dad?
dr040703 -- Once upon a time... AAAHHH!! - There was an old man... THAT'S ENOUGH! I CAN'T TAKE IT!! - OK, we won't tell ghost stories! How about if we just ell our favorite episodes of Winnie The Pooh?
dr040704 -- - BONK! - Sorry about that! CAUTION: HARD HAT AREA
dr040705 -- Look at all the stars, Penny! Wow! - Can you point to the big dipper? - I said the big dip-PER!
dr040706 -- I'm going to bed, Norm! You're on bear watch, tonight! - Bear watch?? If any bears get close to our tent, your job is to fight 'em off! - With wat??!! Oh, yeah...you'll need a weapon, won't you? - Nighty-night!
dr040707 -- Dad, what am I supposed to do if I see a bear?! - Just scare it away! How do I do that? - Act like you're really big! - How do I act like I'm really big?? Do I have to think of everything, Norm?
dr040708 -- Dad, maybe YOU should watch for bears tonight! - I need my rest, Norm. I'm tired from driving all day! - Just relax! The odds of encountering a bear at this campground re remote! - It's much more likely you'll encounter an escaped convict!
dr040709 -- Why do *I* have to stay up all night looking out for bears? - I don't even know what I'm supposed to do if... - Whoa! What's that?!! - Oh, no!! To be continued tomorrow! But don't get your hopes up, because it's really not that exciting!
dr040710 -- Sometimes it's coming toward us! - Now, what did dad say to do if I saw a bear? Oh, yeah...scare it away by acting big! - One sausage pizza? YO! Booga booga!
dr040711 -- ? - - - - Ralph, what's going on in here?? I can't find the TV remote! - It's right here in the drawer, where it belongs! - - WHY WOULD ANYONE EVER THINK TO LOOK IN THERE?
dr040712 -- No Bills Over $20 - *  - Sorry, Mr. Drabble. No Bills Over $20 I have to deliver them all! Dang.
dr040713 -- Ralph, our front lawn could use your attention! - Our front lawn?? What's wrong with our front lawn?! - Our front lawn looks like a GOLF COURSE! - Only because it's got 18 holes!
dr040714 -- Change Let's see... - How does this work? - "Insert Bills Face-Up" -
dr040715 -- Aw, what the heck... - One more doughnut won't hurt! - KABLOOIE! - Most people's belts wear out. Dad's belts explode!
dr040716 -- RING - HOWW-DEEE! - click! - that's one way to weed out the phone solicitors!
dr040717 -- I've been working on my goatee, honeybunch! - How does it look? - It's very becoming! - It's becoming very stupid looking!
dr040718 -- He's circling the tank! Get your camera ready! - Here he comes! - - What was that?? Sha-MOO! - We, here at "Drabble", wish to apologize for the stupidity of today's strip! What about yesterday's?
dr040719 -- bop bop bop bop bop bop - bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop - snatch! - POW!
dr040720 -- Whoa! - - If You Build It, I Will Come! They're considering building a new doughnut shop here!
dr040721 -- ...10_59 and 45 seconds... - 1:59 and 55 seconds...ELEVEN O'CLOCK!! - Lights out! click! - There are some days you just can't wait to see end!
dr040722 -- Say when! When. - Any time yo want! When! - I don't care! It's your drink! WHEN!! - See what happens when you're indecisive?!
dr040723 -- KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE BALL!! SWING LEVEL!! - QUICK BAT! STEP INTO IT! TRUST YOUR HANDS! - OK, I'm going to the field, now. I promised him I wouldn't yell at him during his game!
dr040724 -- YAY, PATRICK!! NICE HIT!! - I never realized your son was such a good base ball player, Ralph! - How did he get so good? I taught him everything I know! - SO THEN, HE DID JUST THE OPPOSITE!
dr040725 -- - - - - - - - That's the ticket! - Please can I play golf instead of going to your mother's? The answer is still no, but congratulations on one of your better faces!
dr040726 -- LOOK OUT BELOW!! - Help. Dad's stuck in the water slide again! I'll get the crowbar!
dr040727 -- Honeybunch, will you put sunscreen on my back? - RING! - Telephone! - Oops, sorry! I forgot to rub it in!
dr040728 -- Sweet! Oreo cookies! - ? - How come there's in any of these?! - Say what?
dr040729 -- Norm, if you want the beach babes to notice you, you've got to show off your athletic ability! - Let's throw the Frisbee around! - zip! -
dr040730 -- Ralph, I bought grape juice pouches for the kids! - Just remember, grape juice stains, and these juice pouches can be messy! - So, if they want one, make sure they drink it outside, in old clothing! - Daddy, can I have a grape juice pouch?
dr040730 -- No.
dr040731 -- Here you go, Mr. Drabble! - Hey, you've got a cup from BURGER QUEEN in your car! - You've been going to other drive-thrus! I was in another town! I was thirsty! - I have a whole different set of problems from most people!
dr040801 -- An armoire?? Where did THIS come from? - Why would she put something like THIS in here?? - There's no room in here for this big, bulky piece of furniture! - Besides, it's ugly! - What was she THINKING? We need this in here like a hole in the
dr040801 -- head! - How do you like our new armoire? I LOVE it!
dr040802 -- Boy, it's hot outside! - If I were me, I'd go jump in the pool! - - Oh, yeah, huh! It's thrilling to see a great mind at work!
dr040803 -- HERE I COME! OPEN THE FRONT DOOR! - - - It's impossible to get out of this house without getting covered with cat hair!
dr040804 -- Remember what you always said, dad... - "The worst day on the golf course is better than the best day at work"!
dr040805 -- Here they are...juice boxes! What flavor do you want, Norm? - Don't buy any, dad. Those are for kids! - Besides it's getting crowded in here!
dr040806 -- Hic! - Excuse me. If you insist... - I EXCUSE THEE! - I never realized I had so much power!
dr040807 -- - Hi - - ...or not!
dr040808 -- boop boop beep beep beep boop boop - - Movies! - "Spiderman 2" - - Bijou theater! - That voice-activated movie listings line is pretty convenient, isn't it? - Actually, that was Wendy. I'm terrible at asking for dates! boop!
dr040809 -- It seemed like an ordinary night... Let's go outside, Wally! - But for Ralph Drabble, the peace and calm of a summer evening would soon be shattered forever. - For events were about to unfold which would completely and forever alter the lives
dr040809 -- of each and every member of the fam... Hey, quit crowding me out of the picture! - Sorry. Stupid narration boxes!
dr040810 -- Ralph Drabble's peaceful evening is about to be interrupted... - Gasp! - The sign of the corn dog! That means officer Drabble is needed at the mall! - See? We narration boxes always know what's going to happen! I'M ON MY WAY!
dr040811 -- The sign of th corn dog! - The universal signal that officer Drabble is needed at the mall! - I must quickly change into my mall cop uniform, and...oh, crud! - Give me back my underwear. It was my last pair!
dr040812 -- The sin of the corn dog! I am needed at the mall! But dad, you got laid-off last year! - Obviously, a crisis has arisen that the younger mall copy are unable to deal with! - I'm be in summoned out of retirement! It's time once again to put on
dr040812 -- the uniform! - Unfortunately, I seem to have gained a little weight!
dr040813 -- Quick, Norm! To the mall-cop mobile! - At a secret location on the outskirts of town, a garage door opens... - And the mall cop mobile speeds to the rescue. sputter sputter - ...after a brief delay- Sorry, dad! I guess I forgot to fill it up!
dr040814 -- Responding to the signal, officer Drabble arrives at the mall. Huff! Puff! Ralph! Thank goodness you're here! - Once a mall cop, always a mall cop! How can I be of service? - When we laid you off last year, we forgot to take back your key to
dr040814 -- the lounge!
dr040815 -- - spin spin spin - - wobble wobble - - spin spin spin - - Did you remember to pick up Patrick from soccer practice? CRASH!
dr040816 -- Wendy, there's something I've been waiting to ask you... - I hope it's not too forward of me... - But I can't control myself any longer. - May I press down all the little buttons on your plastic drink lid?
dr040817 -- Ralph, don't put your glass on the table! It will leave a ring! - And don't put it on my new magazine! Use a coaster! - On second thought, those are new coasters! Don't use those! ...sigh... - Hey, you're getting the sidewalk wet! slurp slurp
dr040818 -- - - - - You know, if you press that button, the fan won't move back and forth anymore! Oh, now you tell me!
dr040819 -- I was a really cute baby, wasn't I? - Yes, but don't get carried away. - Your father was a cute baby, too! Urp!
dr040820 -- WOOSH WOOSH - WOOSH WOOSH WOOSH - - How's that? Better, but I still wish you'd let me turn on the air conditioner!
dr040821 -- Patrick, it's a beautiful summer day. - Why are you indoors watching TV? - Those who do not watch TV are no better off than those who cannot watch TV! - It was worth a try!
dr040822 -- Hmmm... - rip rip tear - - $379 TO DEWEY'S GOLF EMPORIUM? - Why do we owe $379 to Dewey's Golf Emporium?! - Uh...well, that's sort of your upcoming birthday present! - The least she could do is give me the bill AFTER I get the gift!
dr040823 -- Whoa! - I almost forgot to take off my watch! It isn't waterproof! - ? ? - I'm sure glad my swim trunks have pockets!
dr040824 -- skattle skattle skattle skattle - skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle - SPLASH! splish! SPLOOSH! SPLASH! - The wiener dog days of summer!
dr040825 -- - - I thought you could get an even tan by sunbathing on both sides! Most people only HAVE two sides!
dr040826 -- Go ahead, Patrick! Pitch one in here! - Just like Babe Ruth called his home run by pointing to the center field seats, I will now call MY shot! - - I pop a lot!
dr040827 -- - THUNK - When I said you could have pie and ice cream, I meant a SLICE of pie and SOME ice cream! You need to be more specific!
dr040828 -- On hot summer days, a duck will always seek out the best shade! - - Will you quit following me around?!
dr040829 -- Dad, I challenge you to a game of pingpong! - YOU are challenging ME to a game of pingpong? - That's right! You couldn't beat me with BOTH HANDS tied behind your back! - Oh, yeah? Just watch me! - Wow! Another ace! What went wrong here?
dr040830 -- - Now I'm going over there! - HEY! Oops, sorry! - Summer's not over! You're still on duty! Why can't you hold in your OWN stomach?!
dr040831 -- - - - Help! Dad's one guy who shouldn't try to jog on the beach!
dr040901 -- I'm Clue less - - "Clueless" is one word. - See what I mean??
dr040902 -- Watch, mom! Here he comes... - wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle - Dad can imitate a hippo! Doesn't he always?
dr040903 -- I like my new doctor... - He said I should always eat a well-balanced breakfast! - Sweet! I'm up to nine! Hand me another one! I can't imagine this is what he meant! Donuts
dr040904 -- Summer's about over! Time to deflate the pool! - Whoa! - Our pool needs a breath mint! Next year, have dad blow it up BEFORE he eats a pastrami sandwich!
dr040905 -- Dad, who would win a fight between Superman and Spiderman? - Superman. - How about Superman and Batman? - Superman. - Superman and the Incredible Hulk? - Superman. - Isn't there ANYONE who can win a fight with superman? - Not unless there's
dr040905 -- a Mrs. Superman!
dr040906 -- Hello, Labor Day telethon! Ralph Drabble, here! - You're pledging HOW much? Why, how generous! - HEY, JERRY! ADD ANOTHER FIFTY BUCKS TO THE TOTE BOARD! - Oh, sorry! I didn't realize you were still interviewing Wayne Newton!
dr040907 -- ...17...18...19...20! - Ready or not, here I come! - - Playing hide and seek with dad is never much of a challenge!
dr040908 -- If anyone needs me, I'll be in the garage. - Most people clean out the interior of their cars with a VACUUM!
dr040909 -- ...please continue to hold... - All of our customer service representatives are busy. - Your call is important to us... - Though, obviously not so important that we would actually consider hiring more customer service representatives!
dr040910 -- * * * - *click* Customer Service! How can I help you? - Uhhhhh... - Darn! I've been on "hold" so long, I forgot!
dr040911 -- Ralph, if you really want to save some money, stop buying yourself doughnuts every day! - We'd save hundreds of dollars a year! Don't be ridiculous, honeybunch! - We want to save money, but there's no need to do anything THAT drastic! - How
dr040911 -- if we all shave our heads to eliminate hairstyling costs?
dr040912 -- I just met our new neighbor. She's a bit different... - All she does is complain about things! - Sounds like you'll get along great! - Whoops! - gobble! eat! snarf! gulp! - burp! ' ! Not to complain, but you didn't eat the apostrophe and the
dr040912 -- exclamation mark!
dr040913 -- Ralph, we should go to Tahiti! - Do I look like I'm made out of money? - - If you were made out of money, we'd be BILLIONAIRES!
dr040914 -- Bath time, Wally! Oh, no! - RUN! - skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle - Nice try. I'm glad he finally caught me. I was getting tired! pant pant pant
dr040915 -- Time for a bath, Wally! - Bath?? Why do I need a bath?? - You smell like a dog! - What am I supposed to smell like, a bicycle?
dr040916 -- Which shampoo do you want, Wally? - "Kiwi Strawberry" or "Tropical Rainforest"? - Better make it "Tropical Rainforest". - Small animals never want to smell like food!
dr040917 -- How come women live longer than men? - Because men hold everything in. - Except, of course, their stomachs!
dr040918 -- Z Are you going to sleep all day? - It's officially afternoon! - I know it's Saturday, and you're a growing boy, but you need to get up! Z - Get up before it's time to go to bed again! zzz...
dr040919 -- No Jumping Or Diving cough cough gasp choke! - - SPLOOSH! - Are you OK, kid?? - Dude! There's no jumping or diving allowed! - I know, but I just... - I have to ask you to get out of the pool right now, dude! - No good dude goes unpunished!
dr040920 -- TVPG Are you Ralph Drabble? Maybe. - Good news, Mr. Drabble: you're going to Hollywood for an EXTENSIVE MAKEOVER! A Makeover?? - - What's WRONG with ME?? Apparently your eyesight!
dr040921 -- Mr, Drabble, it is now time to meet your makeover team... - A plastic surgeon, a body sculptor, a hair stylist, a fashion consultant and a general contractor! - A general contractor? Making you over is going to be a big job!
dr040922 -- Ralph Drabble Gets An EXTREME MAKEOVER! Hello! I'm the plastic surgeon! *urp* - Tell me what kind of face you'd like! - One like yours would be nice...only make it a little less obvious! - Care for a sticky bun? Don't mind if I do!
dr040923 -- Ralph Gets An Extensive Makeover-Day 4 Hey! What are you doing?! - I'm going to draw lines where the incisions will be! - A lift here, a tuck there...we'll pull this back, we'll push this out... - I feel like a road atlas! Dang! I ran out of
dr040923 -- ink!
dr040924 -- Ralph Gets An Extensive Makeover-Day 5 I'm Brad! I'll be your fashion guru! - Just look at you! Sweat pants and a floral shirt! - Everything about you screams "I'm a slob! I'm a slob!" - Aw, don't be so hard on yourself, Brad! Here, have some
dr040924 -- cookie dough! Yum!
dr040925 -- Ralph Is Selected For An Extensive Makeover I'm Biff, your fitness trainer. - You have a high percentage of body fat! Thank you. - Look at how much fat I can grab! Disgusting, isn't it? Yeah! - So don't do that, OK? Hey, barbecue potato
dr040925 -- chips! Can I have some?
dr040926 -- Ralph! Uh-oh... - I know this guy from somewhere, but I can't remember where! - How do I know this man? A. Neighbor B. Church C. Work D. Relative - So, how the **!!* are you? A. Neighbor *POOF* C. Work D. Relative - Long time, no see! A.
dr040926 -- Neighbor *POOF* D. Relative - Do you still live across town? *POOF* D. Relative - How are June and the kids? D. Relative - UNCLE FRANK!
dr040927 -- It is day 8 of Ralph Drabble's extreme makeover! - As part of his exercise program, Ralph is now jogging instead of driving a car! - May I take your order, please? Two cheeseburgers and a chocolate shake!
dr040928 -- Last week on "Extensive Makeover!, Ralph Drabble met his makeover team! - It's now day 9! Let's look at the amazing transformation that has taken place... - Pass the pork rinds! Hey, where's the remote? Shall we call for another pizza? These
dr040928 -- sweat pants are comfy!
dr040929 -- Remember the old saying: "There is no *I* in TEAM"! - No, but there's a "me". - And a "met" and a "tam". - And "meat" and "tame". "eat" and "ate". - How come I always get the "gifted" kids? "Tea". "Mat". "Mate".
dr040930 -- Quit complaining! - When I was a little kid, I had to walk to school through snow and sleet! - Yeah, but I'll bet you didn't have a fifty-pound back pack! Good point.
dr041001 -- HELP! - I'VE FALLEN AND I CAN'T GET UP! -
dr041002 -- Well, I don't know what you've been complaining about... - According to our scale, your backpack only weighs three pounds! - I could've sworn it was heavier than that! Keep in mind our scale also says that dad weighs 185!
dr041003 -- SWISH - SWISH - swoosh - SWOOSH! - SWISH - SWISH! - SPLAT KLUNK
dr041004 -- - Ralph, you didn't need three sheets to wipe that up! - Two would've been plenty! Stop being so wasteful! - Some husbands gamble, some husbands carouse...I get in trouble for using too many paper towels!
dr041005 -- Poor kid. - I know it's hard carrying all those heavy books on your back... - One day, it will all pay off! - When I grow up, I'll be able to get a job as a pack mule at the Grand Canyon!
dr041006 -- I'm off to school! - It's a shame that you have to lug that heavy backpack to and from school every day! - You could drive me! - I could, but it's all uphill, and our car only has a V-six engine!
dr041007 -- The principal saw my backpack and said it was too much weight for a child to be carrying on his back. - Good for him! It's about time somebody addressed the problem! - Did he take away some of your books? - No, he gave me another back pack!
dr041008 -- Ralph! Quit biting your nails! - Human beings are SUPPOSED to bite their nails! How do you figure that? The good lord gave us nails and he gave us teeth... - You do the math! Some of your teeth might be on a loan!
dr041009 -- Who are you going to vote for this year, dad? None of your business! - There's a reason why we have a secret ballot. If everyone said who they were voting for, they'd be subject to intimidation and peer pressure. - Gee, dad...you're pretty
dr041009 -- smart! - We're having an election this year??
dr041010 -- RING - boop - Hello? - ? - - - KONK! - I think cell phones have gotten a little too small!
dr041011 -- Just relax, Mr. Drabble, and we'll fix that tooth! - I'm going to tilt your chair back a bit... - Oops! I guess that was a little too far!
dr041012 -- Try this DVD headset, Mr. Drabble! You can watch a movie while I work on your teeth! - - AAAAAAAHHH!! - I haven't even started yet! Sorry...I'm watching "Jurassic Park"!
dr041013 -- Mr. Drabble, you're going to feel a little sting... - And that's just when you say your bill! - AH HA HA HA! - Seriously, this is going to hurt like the dickens! Now I know why he crams all this stuff in my mouth-it makes it hard to scream!
dr041014 -- KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK - ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! - Relax. It's just me! - I know. I was trying to stay sharp!
dr041015 -- Norman, you shouldn't tuck your tie into your pants! - Sorry...I'm not very good at tying ties! - I tucked it in my pants to hide the fact that it's too long! - It didn't help.
dr041016 -- Blow out your candles, Patrick! - But this year, be careful! - See if you can blow them out without spitting all over the cake! OK. -
dr041017 -- How did it go at the dentist, Ralph? - Oh, fine! No problems at all! - I'm glad you finally gathered the courage to go! I know you have a fear of dental procedures! - Who, me?? Naw...modern dentistry is virtually pain-free! - I wasn't afraid
dr041017 -- at all! It was a piece of cake! - There you go! Let's get back in the chair, Mr. Drabble! NO, I WANT TO Be DONE NOW!
dr041018 -- I'm tired of being a nobody, dad... - I've decided to become a SOMEBODY. - The problem is, I don't know HOW to become a somebody! - Figure out how you became a nobody, and then do the opposite!
dr041019 -- Norm, if you want to be a somebody, you've got to LOOK like a somebody! - How do I do that? First, hold your chin up high! - Which might be a little tricky, since you don't HAVE a chin! Hee hee! - Why don't you loan him one of yours, Ralph?
dr041020 -- I'm tired of being a nobody! - What makes you feel like a nobody? - Hey! Where'd you go?! - Oh, there you are! Little things like that.
dr041021 -- I'm tired of being a nobody. - I want to be a SOMEBODY. - If I were a somebody, I'd always sign autographs and smile at kids - I'd make a good somebody!
dr041022 -- I want to be a SOMEBODY! I just don't know how! - Son, you become a somebody by trying to do the right thing... - Work hard, treat people well, listen to your parents and obey the law! - I've GOT it! I need to win an AWARD of some kind! Did I
dr041022 -- mention listening to your parents?
dr041023 -- Ah ha! Just as I suspected! - It says in the paper that a child's backpack should not exceed 15% of the child's body weight! - I'm going to call the principal! - What did he say? He recommends our child gain some weight!
dr041024 -- Four pumpkins...that will be $20, please! - Here's a twenty dollar bill! - Oh, wait! That was one of the NEW twenty dollar bills! Let me give you an old twenty instead! - They redesigned it a few years ago, and I like the new style much
dr041024 -- better. - I don't even like to have the old twenties in my purse! The new bills are much prettier! - I always spend the old twenties to get rid of them! - You're right, dad. Mom really DOES spend money like it's going out of style!
dr041025 -- Maybe I could be a policeman...or a fireman... - Those are both great occupations, Norm! - I'm glad you're finally thinking about your future! - Yeah, it's about time I figured out what to be for Halloween!
dr041026 -- Trick or treat! - What the heck is THAT?? A Hallowiener Dog!
dr041027 -- Trick or treat! - Hey, it's baseball slugger BARRY BONDS! Great costume! - Here you go! - Hey, what's the big idea?! I threw you for wide ones!
dr041028 -- BOO! Whoa! You kids are scary! - Here you go1 - DING DONG - BOO! Weren't you here before? Deja boo!
dr041029 -- Yeah, I know...uh-huh...hang on... - Trick or treat! . HEY, LOOK OUT! BEEP! So, anyway, like I was saying... The scariest costume of the night: a driver on a cell phone.
dr041030 -- TRICK OR TREAT! - Very funny. You look like me! Very realistic! - OK, here's a treat! I'll need more. Why? - There are three other kids inside here!
dr041031 -- Trick or treat! - Wow! What a costume! - Did you make it yourself? - That is, by far, the best costume of the night! - Let me take a picture! - Congratulations! Bye-bye! - KNOCK KNOCK! - You didn't give me any candy! Hey! Look! Look! Is that
dr041031 -- a full moon?
dr041101 -- Vote Vote - - Steinbauer! - Before entering the voting booth, it's fun to think of one special person whose vote I'm about to cancel out!
dr041102 -- ...Step 7: you put your right foot out. - Step 8: you put your right foot in...Step 9: you shake it all about. - Ker-CHUNK! - I don't think they succeeded at simplifying the voting process!
dr041103 -- I'm just about ready for you to take the Halloween decorations up to the attic! - I just need to put a little grin on the jack-o-lantern...there! - You know you're a compulsive decorator when you decorate boxes of decorations!
dr041104 -- Let me borrow your back, dad. I need to write on something. - This won't work! Your back is too squishy! - I need a harder surface! - Try the top of his head!
dr041105 -- Norman, sometimes you really really bug me. - But then other times... - You just really bug me! - How nice of you to say. And the rest of the time, you just bug me.
dr041106 -- Hi, Mr. Drabble. Hello, Kendall. - I've come to ask for your daughter's hand in marriage. - Sorry, Kendall. You're too young! - That's what you said LAST week!
dr041107 -- - FREE - FREE - FREE - FREE - scribble scribble scribble - $10 I'll give you five!
dr041108 -- Having another bowl of ice cream, dad? - Yeah, it's all I can eat! I have a very bad sore throat! - A sore throat? What are you doing for it? - Every so often, I go stand outside in the rain!
dr041109 -- I only got a "C-Plus" on my dinosaur poster! - My mom is really gonna be mad! - How come? - She worked HOURS on it!
dr041110 -- Penny, would you like some of my candy bar? - Well...OK! snap! - - What's wrong? I didn't MEAN it! I was just being gentlemanly!
dr041111 -- Mr. Drabble, I have come once again to ask for your daughter's hand in marriage. - Sorry, Kendall. You're still too young! - But I'm very grown-up for my age! - I already weigh as much as my grandma!
dr041112 -- I'm glad there are still a few shows on TV that the entire family can watch together! - Now if only they didn't have to show promos for the sleazy show that comes on next!
dr041113 -- Now, where are those clickers? - Hey, I just thought of a great idea!! I'll make millions!! - Since the remote gets misplaced so often, they should put buttons DIRECTLY ON THE TV! Then you wouldn't NEED the remote!! - Like this? You mean,
dr041113 -- someone beat me to it?!
dr041114 -- Excuse me...we just went through the drive-thru and we didn't get our fries. You didn't get your fries?? - THIS MAN DIDN'T GET HIS FRIES! WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS? - I am, sir! YOU'RE FIRED! - Please don't fire me, sir! I need this job!
dr041114 -- Apologize to the man and GET OUT!! - No...no...don't fire him! It's really OK! It's OK??? - If it's OK, then why did you come in here and make a big deal out of it?? Well, I... - Yeah! You almost got me FIRED!! I'm sorry! - So, they didn't
dr041114 -- give you their fries, and YOU apologized to THEM? That's my boy!
dr041115 -- SCRATCH CLAW CLAW SCRATCH - Hey, knock it off, you dumb cat! - I though we WANTED Oogie to claw the scratching post instead of the furniture! We do! - That was just a little "kitty psychology." claw claw pick pick
dr041116 -- Come on, Norm! Let's go! OK! OK! Give me a break! - It's not EVERY day I get to be on TV, you know! - Norm's idea of being on TV is a trip to the Mini-Mart!
dr041117 -- Excuse me...what time do you have? - I have 7:53! 7:53?? - Actually, it's a quarter to one. - Never ask Norman what time he has! Darn! I must have worn this in the shower again! tap tap!
dr041118 -- Let's go get a burger, Norm! Where? - Where else? GALTBURGER! - Isn't Galtburger pretty fattening? Yeah, but at least they're honest about it... - As their motto says: "Where the taste meets your waist".
dr041119 -- These Galtburgers CAN'T be very good for you, dad! - Hey, look! They posted the nutritional facts for all their food items! - Here we go...a Galtburger with cheese... - "Calories: don't even ask. Fat: You don't want to know." I feel healthier
dr041119 -- already!
dr041120 -- - - Norman, how come half of us is all wet?? I shared an umbrella with dad.
dr041121 -- Z - - - Whoa! - Oogie is acting really weird! - Cats have been known to behave strangely prior to an earthquake. They can sense when the ground is about to tremble! - We should take cover! - False alarm. Dad's just getting ready to do jumping
dr041121 -- jacks! Ready, begin...
dr041122 -- SKRAAKKK! - Oh, no! Look at that scratch! - Dad's gonna KILL me! - If I had a life, it would be flashing before my eyes right now!
dr041123 -- Few people realize that the language of the ancient Sumerians contained six vowels. - Isn't that interesting? - I always learn a lot when I'm with you, Norman... - Just now, I learned that I can yawn with my mouth closed!
dr041124 -- Penny, will you please tell everyone it's dinner time? - DINNER TIME!! - Penny, don't shout! - Well, you SAID tell EVERYONE! Everyone in the HOUSE, not everyone in the WORLD!
dr041125 -- - - The Macy's parade is better. He's more full of hot air than the GARFIELD balloon!
dr041126 -- Hey, thanks for the hospitality-NOT! Oh, yeah? Well, thanks for coming-NOT° - Thanks for bossing us around for two days!! Thanks for spilling cranberry sauce on our new sofa!!! - Sounds like you and your relatives have a lot of to be
dr041126 -- thankful for! I'm thankful I only see them once a year!
dr041127 -- - OK, honeybunch, I brought down all the Christmas decorations from the attic! - Go ape! You forgot my mechanical Santa!
dr041128 -- - - Dad, I hate to tell you this... - I got a "D" on my report card! - Hang on, Norm. I've got another glare to give! - OK, I'm back! You've heard of "call-waiting"? Your father has "GLARE-waiting."
dr041129 -- munch munch - - munch munch chew chew - I've never seen it take anyone so long to eat a "bite size" candy bar! munch chew munch
dr041130 -- Christmas trees?? - It's too early to be looking at Christmas trees, honeybunch! - It's NOT too early! - May I help you? When the tree lot attendant is still wearing Bermuda shorts, IT'S TOO EARLY!!
dr041201 -- How about this one? - - Oh, it can't be THAT expensive! I didn't say a word!
dr041202 -- I can't sleep! I'm scared! What are you scared of, Penny? - Ghosts! We don't have any ghosts in out house! - How do you know? Because we've never seen one, and they've never made a noise! - Maybe we have POLITE ghosts! Gee, I never thought of
dr041202 -- that!
dr041203 -- What are you watching, Norm? Celebrity poker. - Have a seat, dad! Maybe you can explain things to me! - You don't know how to play poker? - I don't know who any of the celebrities are!
dr041204 -- I'm so excited, big brother! Do you know what tonight is? Let me guess, Penny... - It's Christmas eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve? - No, smarty pants... - It's new year's eve eve eve eve eve eve
dr041204 -- eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve!
dr041205 -- Ten laps! huff! puff! - Eleven laps! puff! puff! wheeze! - TWELVE laps! - OK, I think I'm ready for more pizza! Please stop jogging around the buffet table!
dr041206 -- - ALL DONE, HONEYBUNCH! - It looks done to me, anyway! Never ask someone with a bad back to decorate the tree!
dr041207 -- - - roll roll roll - How did you get it decorated so fast? It's a trade secret!
dr041208 -- Hey! Don't swim in my water dish! - How revolting! - I refuse to drink out of that water dish ever again! Fortunately, there's still the bathroom! lap lap lap!
dr041209 -- I love this time of year, Norm! - I can really feel a nip in the air! - I think that's the cat, dad.
dr041210 -- Another one! - shake shake rattle rattle - squeeze squeeze feel feel - And what do you think YOU'RE doing? Just making my presents felt!
dr041211 -- I don't understand it, dad... - You've always told me that sweat pants are comfortable. - But they sure are hard to put on! That's a sweatSHIRT, Einstein!
dr041212 -- Hey, Norm! Is your mom home? No. - OK, I have kind of a complicated message for her. Hang up and I'll call back and leave it on the answering machine! Okey-dokey! - RING! - Hello? - WHY DID YOU ANSWER THE PHONE?? I TOLD YOU I WAS GOING TO
dr041212 -- LEAVE A MESSAGE ON THE ANSWERING MACHINE!! - Well, how was I supposed to know it was you?? - Norm, hang up the phone! When it rings again, don't answer it!! OK! - RING! - Hell Oops! I forgot! - Any messages? Yeah, dad said to tell you I take
dr041212 -- after YOUR side of the family!
dr041213 -- Rrrrraaaalllphh! - Gosh, I could've sworn I just heard a creepy voice calling my name! - CLANK CLANK TROMP TROMP And now I hear chains and heavy footsteps!! - Boo! Oh, it's just a ghost! I was afraid my mother-in-law was here!
dr041214 -- Who are you?? In life, I was your friend No-Neck! - No-Neck?? Does that mean you're...DEAD? Worse! I'm a comic strip character who has fallen by the wayside! - Readers haven't seen me in months! I have vanished from the strip without
dr041214 -- explanation! - Oh, there's probably an explanation! It's not MY fault I never got any funny lines!
dr041215 -- I'm here to warn you, Ralph! - Tonight, you'll be visited by the ghosts of three characters who no longer appear in the strip! - The first will appear as the clock chimes one! The second when it chimes two... - The third will arrive sometime
dr041215 -- between the hours of eight and six. Let me guess: that's the old cable repairman character!
dr041216 -- BONG! Yikes! The clock just chimed ONE! - That's when No-Neck said I'd be visited by the first of three spirits... - Ghosts of old characters who no longer appear in the strip! - Why, hello, Ralph! CACTUS JACK!
dr041217 -- Cactus Jack-my arch enemy from my pro wrestling days! - You used to be in the strip all the time, and then you were GONE! - What ever became of you? I went to bigger and better things, Ralph. - I served for a time as lieutenant governor of
dr041217 -- Minnesota!
dr041218 -- BONG...BONG! The stroke of two! - That's when the second ghost of "characters past" is supposed to visit! - Howdy, Ralph! Moose Malone! My old lodge buddy! - How come you're not in the strip anymore, Moose? The first time you see a guy with
dr041218 -- antlers, it's kind of funny, but after that...
dr041219 -- Daddy, try to guess what I got you for Christmas! - I don't want to guess, Penny! I like to be surprised! - Please?? Just take a wild guess! I really can't imagine! - Just take one guess? Please??? Well, OM. Let's see... - A necktie? - - I
dr041219 -- mean, a HORSE! I think it's a HORSE!! Mommy! Daddy guessed what I got him for Christmas! Oh, way to go, Ralph!
dr041220 -- Ralph is visited by the second of 3 spirits... Moose! What ever became of you?? - Sometimes, comic strip characters just disappear! In my case, I moved to Palm Springs! - I keep busy playing golf. I also do a little estate planning! - Here's
dr041220 -- my card. Let's talk! Is it time for the next ghost, yet??
dr041221 -- BONG...BONG...BONG! The stroke of three! - This is when I'm supposed to be visited by the third ghost of characters who no longer appear in the strip! - Hi, dad! Norm! What are YOU doing here??? Don't tell me YOU'RE a ghost!! - Naw, I just
dr041221 -- got up to get a drink of water!
dr041222 -- You look tired this morning, Ralph! - You'd look tired, too, if you were up all night being visited by three ghosts, and the third ghost never even showed-up! - - Yeah, I hate it when that happens! Noone relates to my problems!
dr041223 -- What should we buy dad for Christmas? - How about a laptop computer? - Naw, he'd never use it! How come? - For one thing, he doesn't have a lap!
dr041224 -- The holidays make me a nervous wreck! - There's so much to do! I have cookies to wrap! Gifts to bake! - You mean, cookies to BAKE and gifts to WRAP! - Shoot! SO much for dad's 3 stooges complete video library!
dr041225 -- That's the worst picture of me EVER! My eyes were closed! I look fat and stupid! Why did we use THAT picture on our Christmas card? Because *I* look good! - Merry merry merry merry merry merry merry merry Christmas! From the Drabbles
dr041226 -- CRASH Z - BOOM! CRACK! Z - BASH! RUMBLE RUMBLE Z - Z - Z - Z - RALPH! QUIT SNORING!! Z*Z
dr041227 -- I don't understand it, Norm... - You gave me two belts for Christmas... - And they're both too small! I know... - I couldn't find any belts your size, so I figured you could just hook those together!
dr041228 -- Zundel's I'd like to exchange this gift. - What's wrong with it? - It's the wrong size, the wrong color and the wrong style! - How do you know? You haven't opened it yet! Trust me. My husband bought it!
dr041229 -- I'd like the All-You-Can-Eat salad bar! That'll be $4.75 - - That's all. I'm not very hungry. - I should've ordered the All-'I'-Can-Eat salad bar!
dr041230 -- Hello, Wendy? I'd like to extend an invitation... - How would you like to come over for new year's eve? - I'm going to make grilled cheese sandwiches and watch my favorite episodes of "The Munsters!" - She extended a hang-up!
dr041231 -- Galtburger 10...9...8...7... - 6...5...4... - 3...2...1... - HAPPY NEW YEAR! If you can't be in Times Square, Galtburger is the next best thing!
dr050101 -- 7:03 A.A., and I haven't done anything stupid all year! - 7:04 A.M., and I haven't done anything stupid all year! - 7:05 A.M., and I haven't done anything stupid all year! - Norman, why would anyone in their right mind wake up so early on new
dr050101 -- year's day? Oh, crud!
dr050102 -- ...and then...wait a minute...what was I talking about? - I seem to have lost my train of thought... beep beep boop beep... - Hello, mom? Call me right back on my cell, OK? Bye! - Oh, yeah, now I remember... drum drum drum - * Excuse me! -
dr050102 -- Hello? Good heavens! I'm on my way! - Sorry, Norman. I have to cut our date short! There's an emergency! - Thanks, mom! Reason #347 why I don't like cell phones!
dr050103 --
dr050104 -- Hi, Dad! Norm! Where ARE you?? - I'm still driving the car! - You've been gone for hours! Why aren't you home yet?! - Because I saw a sign by the side of the road that said "No Stopping Any Time"! - That's my boy! I don't know what to do! I'm
dr050104 -- almost out of gas!
dr050105 -- I have a creative writing assignment due Friday. How long have you known about it? - All semester. Why did you wait so long to get started? - It wasn't MY fault! First our computer crashed, then I got sick, and then the holidays were upon us!
dr050105 -- - And then of course, there was an eclipse! Instead of creative WRITING, you should've taken creative EXCUSES!
dr050106 -- OK, here goes...time to write my story! Let's see... - - - I admire people who have the ability to write themselves into a corner!
dr050107 -- "Boo Hoo!" cried the town crier. - * - This story is really stupid. Do you wish to continue writing it? Yes No Cancel - I knew we had "spell check." Apparently, we also have "stupidity check"!
dr050108 -- Well? What did the doctor say? - He gave me some good news and some bad news. - The good news is I don't need a hip replacement. - The bad news is I need an EVERYTHING ELSE replacement!
dr050109 -- Care for some ice cream, dad? No thanks, son... - I'm on a new diet! - I invented it myself. I call it the "Tight Pants Diet". - If I wear pants that are tight around the waistline, it will help me lose weight because I'll feel full! - Does
dr050109 -- it really work? You bet! Right now, I'm not hungry at all! - Of course, that could also be 'cause I'm eating a sticky bun!
dr050110 -- ? - Want me to call Lassie?
dr050111 -- - Oh, I'm siiiinngin' in the...! - OW! OUCH! OUCH!! OW! OW!! - Hail.
dr050112 -- - Honeybunch, I must say... - There aren't many 52-year old who look as good as you do! - I'm *42*, grunt head! Still...
dr050113 -- - The weatherman was right when he predicted scattered showers!
dr050114 -- El Watson Elementary May I help you, Mrs. Drabble? - I need to take Patrick home early from school today. - Why? Does he have a chiropractic appointment because of his heavy backpack? - No, he needs to come home early so he'll have enough
dr050114 -- time to finish all of his homework! That was my second guess!
dr050115 -- Norman, it's past your bed time! - Sorry, mom. I was watching an important program.... - "TV's Ten Most Memorable Moments" - What were they? I forget.
dr050116 -- Dad, I need some fatherly advice. - OK, let me go change into my fatherly advice outfit! - - Some fatherly advice, huh? OK, how about this... - Whenever you feel like giving up, always remember: the opposite of GIVE UP is TAKE DOWN! - Gee,
dr050116 -- that's pretty good, dad! Anyone else need any fatherly advice before I take the sweater off?
dr050117 -- Aaaaarrgh! - shuffle shuffle shuffle shuffle  - Gosh, dad...You walk like you're a hundred years old! That's good to hear. creak! pop! - I feel like I'm TWO-hundred!
dr050118 -- gulp - crick! - - Looks like the Christmas bills have finally arrived!
dr050119 -- I lost my homework! - I can't tell out teacher that I lost it! It sounds like I'm careless! - I need to phrase it in a way that will make her feel sorry for me! - I dislocated my homework!
dr050120 -- Uh-oh...I wrote a not to myself last week, and now I can't read it! - "Zerold flor lift fizzlebop?? Go lurk crip in witkins??" - If I don't read my notes within 48 hours, I can never read them again! - I never knew handwriting could go bad!
dr050120 -- Maybe it should have an expiration date! "Abbl wooky fnkork?"
dr050121 -- Ralph! Pick up that drink! - Look, it left a ring on the table! - Wipe that up, please! - Another good reason to wear socks around the house!
dr050122 -- - - OK, it's official... - Everyone in the world has a nicer car than I do!
dr050123 -- Honeybunch, where is may "fatherly advice" sweater? It's in the wash. - Sorry, Norm. I can't give you any fatherly advice right now! My official fatherly advice sweater is in the wash! - Dad, you don't need to wear our sweater every time you
dr050123 -- give me fatherly advice! The advice comes from YOU, not the sweater! - OK, OK...I'll try. Now, what's the problem? - Well, there's this girl at school, and I'd like to get to know her, but I'm kind of shy. - Son, here's my advice... - A bird
dr050123 -- in the hand gathers no moss. But never look a rolling stone in the mouth! - WHEN WILL THAT SWEATER BE READY?!
dr050124 -- BASH! - Well, at least now we know never to toss a ball up into a ceiling fan, again! Let's not play "What would happen if..." anymore!
dr050125 -- - - - May stack of bills is like Snoopy's stack of bones in "A Charlie Brown Christmas." It never gets any smaller!
dr050126 -- Ralph! What are you doing?? - I'm just having a little something to tide me over until dinner, honeybunch! - Dinner is in TWO MINUTES! - In that case, I'll only have one more!
dr050127 -- ARRRRGG! - - Why did you do that? Because it was here! Feel free to help out with the laundry sometime!
dr050128 -- Dad, why do you keep all these old TV clickers that don't work anymore? - THEY STILL WORK! - If you tape them all together, they'll reach the buttons on the TV!
dr050129 -- SLOSH SLOSH SLOSH - You were right. It's hard to make snow angels in the rain! Nice try, though.
dr050130 -- Hello! Welcome to All-Mart! Hello! - Hi, Welcome to All-Mart! Hello! Hello! Welcome to All-Mart! Hello! - - - - I'm such a nobody, even the All-Mart greeter ignores me! Hello! Welcome to All-Mart! Hello!
dr050131 -- Ralph, I have a question... - Why on earth would you eat a donut right before you drink a diet shake? - Because after I drink the diet shake, I won't be hungry anymore! - That was kind of a no-brainer!
dr050201 -- - The weatherman did say there was only a 50% chance of snow today!
dr050202 -- - GRRRRRRR - What the heck... - The Steinbauers got a new dog! Dog? I thought it was Batman! grrrrrr
dr050203 -- Ralph! I see you've met Wolfgang! Wolfgang? - My new puppy! That's a PUPPY?? How big is it going to get?? - Who knows? He's just a big teddy bear! Isn't that right, Wolfgang? - GRRRRRRRR HEY! SPIT OUT MY HIBACHI!!
dr050204 -- That new puppy of yours is kind of scary, Steinbauer! - Relax, Ralph! Wolfgang has a very pleasant disposition, and he has been trained to respond to my command! - Watch this...sit, Wolfgang! Sit! - GRRRRRRRRR OK! OK! Maybe later!
dr050205 -- Wolfgang is my new puppy! Puppy?? - Say hello to Mr. Drabble, Wolfgang! - BARK BARK BARK - Sorry, Ralph. Wolfgang has been trained to bark at undesirables!
dr050206 -- First, I'll put on my sweat pants.. - Then my sweatshirt... - My head band... - Wrist bands... - And now I'm ready to feel the burn! - groan grunt! ARRRRGGHH!! It's kind of sad when you need to wear workout clothes just to put your socks on!
dr050207 -- BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK - How can you stand being in the backyard with the neighbor's dog barking at you? Maybe I'll go inside. - WHY ARE YOU RELAXING WHEN THE SINK NEEDS FIXING, THE WALL NEEDS PAINTING, THE YARD NEEDS...
dr050207 -- - BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK
dr050208 -- ...Yawn... - Good morning, dad! Mornin', son! - Here you go! Thanks! - I like it when someone warms up my sweatpants in the morning!
dr050209 -- - Hello, Wally! Did anyone feed you today? No! - Did anyone feed Wally? No! - Honeybunch, did you feed Wally today? Yes. Twice. Dang!
dr050210 -- - - - Take those speed bumps a little slower, son. Sorry!
dr050211 -- Monday is Valentines Day. - I bought a card, addressed it to myself, stamped it, and I'll mail it! All you have to do is sign it! - Sorry. My pen just ran out of ink. - That's OK. It's the thought that counts!
dr050212 -- Ralph, I'm glad you're home! - The sink is clogged, the roof is leaking and the garage door is broken. - Oh, and the garbage disposal needs to be replaced. - Whenever the wife says she's glad you're home, look out!
dr050213 -- Hello, Wendy! Norman, I have a question for you... - Why did you send me a sympathy card? A what?? - "With deepest condolences for the love of your beloved husband" - Oh, I can explain... - I got mixed up. I meant to send you a VALENTINES
dr050213 -- card! - I see. Well, thank you anyway! - It's going to be harder to explain it to old Mrs. Hogenboomer!
dr050214 -- Valentine's candy?? For ME?? Before you get excited, let me explain... - I bought several of these to give to all my close friends! You consider me a close friend?? - No, but I had one left over! - I was going to give it to the garbage man,
dr050214 -- but he doesn't come until Friday- This is the best valentine's day ever!!
dr050215 -- Go ahead! Try me! OK, let's see... - Who led the national league in triples in 1958? - I forgot! Wow! That's amazing!! - Dad's right! He's forgotten more about baseball than I'll EVER know!
dr050216 -- There! I put a sticky note on the refrigerator reminding me of my dental appointment! - But I'll never remember to read it! - scribble scribble - There! A sticky note to remind me to read the other sticky note!
dr050217 -- I'd like to pay with a credit card. - May I see a picture I.D.? - If you insist... - I was thinking more along the lines of a driver's license. My driver's license photo is embarrassing!
dr050218 -- Here she comes! - - ...yes, I love you, too, darling! - Your phone is upside-down. So much for the old jealousy ploy!
dr050219 -- - PUSH PUSH SHOVE SHOVE - This is probably a silly question, but do you like my new cologne?
dr050220 -- - - You dogs are all alike... - You follow the big guy all over the house because you want him to like you best! - SNARF! - No, I follow him around because I know I'll eventually get something to eat!
dr050221 -- This is my favorite program: the extreme home makeover show! - Each week, they select a deserving family and completely remodel their house! And they send them on a cool vacation while they do it! - How do they pick the family? People send in
dr050221 -- application videos explaining why they need it! - Uh-oh. Hide the camcorder!
dr050222 -- ...and, ACTION! Hello. I'm Ralph Drabble and I'd like to apply for an extreme home makeover! - When you hear my gut-wrenching story, I'm sure you'll want to come right out and get to work! - In the meantime, I strongly suggest you grab a box
dr050222 -- of tissues!
dr050223 -- Application Video I believe our house qualifies for an extreme makeover! - I'm embarrassed to live in such squalor! - Look! I have to put a pot on the floor because the roof leaks. - AND IT'S NOT EVEN RAINING OUTSIDE!!
dr050224 -- I'm not applying for this extreme home makeover for my own sake... - It's for my good wife, who works her fingers to the bone raising our three children. - I was hoping you could redo our yard and install one of those big, synthetic putting
dr050224 -- greens for her! - She doesn't like golf but at least she wouldn't have to mow the lawn any more!
dr050225 -- Here's one of our biggest problems: our neighbor, Mr. Steinbauer! - He's the worst neighbor EVER! Is it any wonder why I'm a nervous wreck?? - If you're applying for a home makeover, forget it! As president of the Neighborhood Homeowners
dr050225 -- Association, we'd never approve any drastic changes! - Hopefully, you'll have to knock down his house to make room for my new pool!
dr050226 -- Well, that's my application video! I look forward to the arrival of the Extreme Home Makeover team! - We'll pack our bags for the fabulous vacation you'll send us on while you're fixing up this dump! - Remember, I'd like a home theater, a
dr050226 -- rumpus room, an indoor gym and a built-in barbecue! I hope it's not too much to ask! - If it is, just send us on the vacation!
dr050227 -- Hello! Welcome to All-Mart! - Welcome to All-Mart! - Hi! Welcome to All-Mart! - Mrs. Drabble! - - Something tells me you do a lot of shopping here. I do seem to get a warmer welcome than most!
dr050228 -- Take my advice, son... - When you grow up and take a bride, get married on her birthday! - That way, if you forget her birthday and your anniversary, you'll only get trouble once a year. - Thanks, dad. Mind if I stay up here in your treehouse
dr050228 -- for a few days?
dr050301 -- HA HA ho ho ho HEE HEE HEE chuckle hoo hoo hoo I love it when the sound of laughter fills the house, don't you, Ralph? Sure. - ...except when they're laughing at all my photo I.D.'s! HEE HEE HEE HOO HOO Whoa! This one is gnarly!!
dr050302 -- I'm back! - Is anybody home? - - - Good!
dr050303 -- I'm so upset! The art store doesn't sell scrapbooking supplies any more! - Now I have to drive all the way to the mall! - My heart bleeds for you, honeybunch! - Heehee! Snort! Your NOSE is liable to bleed for me in a minute!
dr050304 -- Hello! - Honeybunch? Norm? Patrick? Penny? - I guess nobody's home! - I'd bite him if I had any teeth!
dr050305 -- Let me raise your chair a little bit, Mr. Drabble, and we'll check those teeth! - whirrrrrr - How come you raised it so high? Oh, sorry! I used to be a garage mechanic!
dr050306 -- Welcome TO All-Mart - Hey! You didn't welcome me to All-Mart! Your job is to say "Welcome to All-Mart" to everyone who comes in! I'm on my break! - When will your break be over? Thirteen minutes. - OK! - - - HEY! My mistake. I should've said
dr050306 -- fourteen minutes!
dr050307 -- CRRACKK! Ahh! That's better! - Thanks, doc! - Dad says when he was a kid, schools only had NURSES! That was before the forty-pound back pack!
dr050308 -- Wendy, may I borrow a pencil? - Sure, take this one. - Teeth marks! Wendy chews her pencils! - Wow! I'm chewing on the same pencil Wendy chewed on!
dr050309 -- I borrowed a pencil from Wendy, and it tooth marks all over it! - I'm chewing on the same pencil Wendy chewed on! - I didn't know you chewed your pencil, Wendy! I don't! - I loaned it to Walter yesterday!
dr050310 -- Hello? - Hello? - Hello? - Hello? - Hello? - Hello? - Oh, now I can hear you! - Now I know why they're called "mobile" phones!
dr050311 -- How was your day at school? Good. - Norman, every day I ask how school was, and every day you give me the same on-word answer. - Could you offer just a little more information? Oh, sure, mom. - It was pretty good!
dr050312 -- Some people say we should have eyes on the backs of our heads. - I think we should have eyes on our hands. That way, if you're at a parade and you want to see better... - All you have to do is this! - Of course, then you'd need a really big
dr050312 -- pair of sunglasses! Norman, RUN!
dr050313 -- I'm back from spending the weekend at my sister's! - Wow! Don't you all look festive! Did you decide to get a head start on St-Patrick's Day? No, we decided to let Norman do the laundry!
dr050314 -- - whirrrr How was your weekend, Norman? - My Weekend? Uh, well, let's see...on Friday night, I watched TV and played video games...then, uh...uh... whirrrrrr!! - DANG it! Norman's fun to converse with if if you catch him at the right time!
dr050315 -- - Those who fail to remember the past are doomed to repeat it! - I know. - You told me that yesterday! Oh, yeah. Sorry!
dr050316 -- - Yeah, this is a little better, but I STILL think you should buy a big screen!
dr050317 -- OW!! - Norman, it's Saint Patrick's Day and you're not wearing green! - What were you thinking?? - I was thinking I'd like to have Wendy pinch me!
dr050318 -- We took a field trip to a museum today. - What did you see? - A bunch of naked statues. Oh, well... - I guess it's good to be exposed to the arts! Or vice versa.
dr050319 -- I hate tabulating my income taxes. - It's always a painful experience! - tappity tappity tap tap tap - That's because I bite my nails too short!
dr050320 -- - - - - - - Let me guess: you hired a window washer, and he'll be here any minute! You don't want him to think we're slobs, do you?!
dr050321 -- Sorry! The rocket ride is closed for repairs. - Sorry! The space bomber ride is closed today. - Sorry! The laser beam ride is closed for inspection. - Now I know why they call this "Tomorrow World." If you want to go on any rides, you have to
dr050321 -- come back tomorrow!
dr050322 -- What are you doing outside in the rain? I'm a duck. - Ducks like rain! - What are YOU doing outside in the rain? I'm a dog. - Dogs are kind of dumb!
dr050323 -- Ralph, when will you quit procrastinating and fix our leaky roof? - I can't fix it in the rain, honeybunch! - Sometime you just have to make the best of a bad situation!
dr050324 -- Would I look more handsome with glasses? - Absolutely not! - Then I'd REALLY be able to see all your imperfections! - I meant if *I* wore glasses! Oh...couldn't hurt!
dr050325 -- I'm always surprised that you continue to go out with me, when you never seem to have a good time! - I've come to the conclusion that being with you is my punishment for misdeeds I must have committed in a previous life. - When I spend time
dr050325 -- with you, I feel like I'm paying my debt to society! - I'm glad I can help. I just don't know what on earth I could have possibly done that was so BAD!!
dr050326 -- Yes, uh-huh... - What? You're breaking up! - Hello? Hello? Can you hear me?? - Oh, sorry! I always lose reception when I walk behind my dad!
dr050327 -- I found twelve eggs, two TV clickers and three dollars and 48 cents in change! I found six eggs, mom's lipstick, 94 cents and the missing cell phone! I found four eggs, one sock, 52 cents, mom's earring and dad's missing car keys! I'm glad we
dr050327 -- had the easter egg hunt indoors this year!
dr050328 -- click! - twist! push! - punch! turn! click! twist! - I WISH YOU'D QUIT PLAYING WITH THE TEMPERATURE CONTROLS!
dr050329 -- - - I guess it's a good day to be a duck! - EVERY day is a good day to be a duck!
dr050330 -- Hey, they're having a "10-K" race this weekend! - Maybe we should enter, dad! WE?? - Sure, why not? Can't you run a "10-K"? - I couldn't run a fever!
dr050331 -- Have a seat, Mr. Drabble! - The doctor will see you shortly. Uh-huh. - When they say the doctor will see you shortly, it doesn't mean he'll see you SOON... - It means when he finally DOES see you, it won't be for very long!
dr050401 -- Mr. Drabble, I've studied your test results, and I'm afraid it's bad news. - In fact, it's the worst. I hope your affairs are in order. - - HA HA HA HA HA HA Never go in for a checkup on april fools' day!
dr050402 -- This is my favorite day of the year! How come? - Because baseball season starts tomorrow! - Then why isn't TOMORROW your favorite day of the year? - Because today the cubs are still tied for first place!
dr050403 -- 5 Days Ago Don't forget wedding anniversary next week! - 4 Days Ago Don't forget wedding anniversary next week! - 3 Days Ago Don't forget wedding anniversary next week! - 2 Days Ago Don't forget wedding anniversary next week! - Yesterday
dr050403 -- Don't forget wedding anniversary next week! - Today I've discovered that my handwriting goes bad after a few days! I think it says something about "anteaters". Instead of putting your notes ON the refrigerator, maybe you should put then IN
dr050403 -- the refrigerator!
dr050404 -- BAD CALL, REF! YOU'RE LAZY! - Zip it, Steinbauer! I will not tolerate criticism from the sidelines! - Don't make me get up and come over there!
dr050405 -- - - - I always think it's ironic when she leaves her "good housekeeping" magazines all over the place!
dr050406 -- It's bright outside! - Better wear the shades! - RIP! YEOUCH! - Men with hairy chests should not hand sunglasses on the front of their shirts! Did you used to hang them on the back of your head, too?
dr050407 -- I'm off to the golf club, honeybunch! - OK. Try not to make a complete fool of yourself! - Don't lose all the balls this time! - Mom isn't exactly the wind beneath your wings, is she? More like a tropical depression!
dr050408 -- Dad, will you blow up my new beach ball? - Why can't YOU blow it up? You have more BREATH than I do! - Mom always says you're full of hot air! - It's nice to know I'm so well-respected! And use a breath mint in  case it pops!
dr050409 -- It's time to check on our local fast food drive-thru traffic conditions... - A heavy back-up is reported at the McDoogle's drive-through. Expect a ten-minute wait! - Traffic is moving smoothly at the Taco Hut drive-thru, but over at
dr050409 --Down-N-Out Burgers, it's slow and go. - ...and tipster Drabble reports that their chocolate shake machine is broken! Vanilla...yuk!
dr050410 -- Norman, do you remember back in January when you said "Rain, rain, go away! Come again some other day"? WELL, I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY!! How come everything is always MY fault??
dr050411 -- Due to the graphic nature of the following program, viewer discretion is advised. - CLICK! - It said VIEWER discretion, not MOTHER OF VIEWER discretion! Too bad!
dr050412 -- Wally, have you met the neighbors' new dog? ! - Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf! - WOOF! -
dr050413 -- Wally, what's wrong with you?? - Are you going to let the neighbor's puppy intimidate you? - You can't jump inside my shirt every time you're frightened! - That's right, Wally. There's barely enough room for HIM inside his shirt!
dr050414 -- It's fun to watch kids play baseball! - Baseball teaches the children teamwork and sportsmanship! - STRIKE THREE?? YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED, UMP!! SHOW SOME INTEGRITY!! - I'm not sure what it teaches the parents! WE KNOW WHICH CAR IS YOURS,
dr050414 -- UMP!
dr050415 -- Darn! An easy fly ball to right field! - HE DROPPED IT! YES!! YES!! WOO-HOO!! WAY TO GO!! - Don't you feel kind of bad cheering because a little kid on the other team dropped the ball and now feels terrible? - Heck no! You've heard of soccer
dr050415 -- moms? Meet a baseball mom!
dr050416 -- - Good heavens, Ralph! How do you eat ice cream so fast? - Before I eat, I warm up with a weighted spoon!
dr050417 -- CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH - CRUNCH CRUNCH - CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH - CRUNCH CRUNCH - CRUNCH CRUNCH - CRUNCH CRUNCH CRU... - What?? Nothing is louder than when someone eats popcorn during the quiet scenes!
dr050418 -- ...Sigh... - - slurp slurp slurrp slurrrpp! - Ahhh...the fountain of youth! If you want to feel young again, go outside and take a drink from the hose!
dr050419 -- slurp slurp slurrrp! My turn! - - - The old "crimp in the hose" trick claims another victim!
dr050420 -- Norman, don't you know how to hose-off the driveway?? - You need more water pressure! How do I get that? - stick your thumb in the nozzle! -
dr050421 -- Norm! I got a new spray nozzle for the hose! Now it'll be easier to take a drink! - Just put it on "Turbo Jet" and pull the trigger! OK! - This'll be sweet! - SPLADDLAPP!
dr050422 -- Oops! I forgot to roll up the windows! -
dr050423 -- Time to reel in the hose! crank crank crank . AAAARRRGH! -
dr050424 -- Crud! We'll never get on this ride! The line is too long! - If you don't want to wait in line, we can use a "Speedy Voucher." What's that? - It's a ticket that allows you to return at a later time when you won't have to wait! - Great! Let's
dr050424 -- try it! It's easy! I push the button, get our ticket, and see what time to come back! - - When does it say to come back? October 23rd at 9:52 PM!
dr050425 -- Paper or plastic? - Hmm...well, let's see... - This time I'll say...PAPER! - Sweet! I'm right again!! Make sure he pays in cash!
dr050426 -- Smile! - CLICK! - WAA HA HA!! - Look how smily he looks now! The only thing more obnoxious than mom with a camera is mom with a DIGITAL camera!
dr050427 -- I give up. I knew this day would come! - My eyes just aren't as sharp as they used to be! - Don't feel bad, dad...everyone eventually needs reading glasses! - ...or, in our case, picking-fleas-off-the-cat glasses!
dr050428 -- I can't stand it! It's too confusing!! - The newscaster is reading us one story, and there's another story running across the bottom of the screen! - I can't listen and read at the same time! I'm going crazy!! - Norman's just not a cable news
dr050428 -- kind of guy! Beach volleyball! That's better!
dr050429 -- It's hot in here! - I'll turn on the ceiling fan. click! - Whirrr crack! bang! zing! whizz! - I finally found those missing easter eggs!
dr050430 -- I've just discovered a new definition for the word "lazy"... - You in your easy chair, watching guys throw darts on TV. - - Fine. I'll change the channel and watch guys play Poker!
dr050501 -- Honeybunch! I'm home! - Honeybunch! - Honeybunch? - HONEYBUNCH!! - - - krinkle krinkle krinkle - Don't you DARE get into those pretzels when it's this close to dinnertime! I always know how to get your attention!
dr050502 -- - pow! YAAAAAAAHH! - Do you screech like that because it gives your serves more power? - No, I screech like that because I always whack my shins with the racket!
dr050503 -- Smile, dad! - Wait...I need to back-up a little to get your entire head in the picture! - THAT'S FAR ENOUGH! OK, then YOU back-up!
dr050504 -- Dad! Wake up! Huh? What's wrong? - I have the *hic* hiccups! So what? You're 19! years old! Go back to bed! - But, dad! They're *hic* annoying! Haven't you ever had something annoying that you *hic* couldn't get rid of? - *hic* Didn't I just
dr050504 -- mention that you're 19?
dr050505 -- *hic!* The best way to cure your hiccups is to frighten you! - So please forgive me for what I am about to do... - A picture of grandma? - Why would I be frightened by a picture of *hic* grandma? Always works for me!
dr050506 -- Here, Norm,,,try my mother's sure-fire hiccup cure! *hic* - Drink water from a straw while holding your nose and plugging your ears! - Why would I need to plug my ears? - Trust me.
dr050507 -- WHOOSH - - Don't bother. My hiccups are gone! - Dang it!
dr050508 -- It's mother's day, remember? You said you wanted us to make you breakfast in bed!
dr050509 -- - That's sad... - I wonder how Beethoven would've felt if he'd known his greatest compositions would one day be used as ring tones. - I finally get a call on my cell phone, and now I feel guilty about it!
dr050510 -- WALLY, YOU DUMB DOG! - QUIT CHEWING UP MY SHOES! - Don't yell at Wally, Ralph! It's normal for dogs to chew shoes! - I just wish he's wait till I take 'em off!
dr050511 -- Z - CREEEEEEEAKK! BOOM! Uh-oh! - - That garage door is so loud! Why on earth don't you ever grease it?! I work so hard around here, it just slips my mind!
dr050512 -- Come on, Patrick! Swing the bat! - Wait for your pitch, Patrick! - Put some wood on it! - Make the pitcher work! - Be aggressive! Be a hitter! Be selective! Be patient! - Your parents don't agree on much, do they? I can't hear you. I'm
dr050512 -- wearing ear plugs!
dr050513 -- Arrrrrgggh! - Grunt! Creak! Pop! Squeak! Crack! - Boy, I'm getting old! Don't think of yourself as old, dad! - Think of yourself as extreeeeeeeemely middle-aged! creak! pop!
dr050514 -- Frozen Yogurt The place is empty! - Creak! Crack! Snap! Burp! Hic! Squeak! gurgle - I'll be right with you! - Since I hit middle age, I never have to ring the bell. Everyone hears me coming!
dr050515 -- - Excuse me...I notice that you have a cart full of groceries, and all WE have is a bag of cat food. - So, why don't you go ahead of us in line! Thank you! - Wait a minute...what was I thinking?? You heart's in the right place, Norm. Now, if
dr050515 -- we could only locate your brain!
dr050516 -- This is National READING Week! That's good. Reading is important. - How else would you ever know what's on TV?
dr050517 -- There's no doubt about it... - This is the most inconvenient drive-thru ATM in town! - Actually, dad, I'm not so sure it's a drive-thru! --It also wreaks havoc on my alignment!
dr050518 -- Our yard is in bad shape! We hardly have any grass left! - Maybe you should hire a gardener! - Why should I pay a gardener when we have so little grass? - The same reason you pay a barber, I suppose!
dr050519 -- Here's your change! Have a great day! - Thanks, but it's too late for that. - I could probably pull off a "so-so" day, but I'd have to stage a rally!
dr050520 -- squeegee squeegee squeegee - squeegee squeegee - squeegee squeegee squeegee - Thanks, but my window was open! I know. Your nose has a smudge!
dr050521 -- Your cell phone is ringing! - Thank you, Norman Drabble! - Whenever someone says something really stupid, I always say "Thank you, Norman Drabble." - You're welcome! Thank you, Norman Drabble!
dr050522 -- Uh-huh...yeah... CRACK! - Hold on! I've got a fly ball coming my way! - THWAP! - The game has sure changed from when I was a kid! He probably should use a headset when he's in the field!
dr050523 -- Hi! I'm Ralph Drabble! - This week, I'd like to step out of the comic strip and speak directly to you, the audience. - This is known as "breaking the fourth wall". - He broke it, all right!
dr050524 -- This week, I'd like to speak directly to all of the new readers of Drabble! - As you may know, we get new readers all the time... - And some of you may be a little confused. - So, I'd like to explain what's going on in our comic strip! Good
dr050524 -- luck! I've been in this strip all my life and I don't know what's going on!
dr050525 -- For you readers who may be new to our strip, let me tell you a little about myself... - I have an exciting, high-profile career in law enforcement! - I don't want to brag by telling you exactly what I do. Let's just say it's filled with
dr050525 -- glamour and intrigue. - He's a mall cop! DON'T HELP ME!
dr050526 -- Our new readers may be wondering about the duck... - His name is Bob, and he's not really a duck! He's a rare South American parrot that takes on the characteristics of a duck for survival in the jungle. - At least that's what my kids told
dr050526 -- me. - And it better be true because I hate ducks! On day, I hope to migrate to a different comic strip!
dr050527 -- How many readers do we have, dad? - Research shows we have between 23 and 24 million readers! - We have 23 MILLION to 24 MILLION READERS?? That's not what I said... - I said between 23 and 24 million! Trust me. It's closer to 23!
dr050528 -- This is one of our pets, Wally the Wiener dog! - Wally's legs are so short, when he runs, he never seems to get anywhere! skattle skattle skattle - Of course, we know that in actuality, Wiener dogs are very fast! Right, Wally? skattle skattle
dr050528 -- skattle If you say so! - They're also very smart! E=MC² skattle skattle
dr050529 -- The mail's here, mom! - Good! I need a break from housework! - - There's a special place in the nether regions reserved for people who put confetti in party invitations!
dr050530 -- shake shake Darn! I'm out of ink! - Norman, can I borrow a pencil? - Why, certainly! - Never borrow a pencil from Norman.
dr050531 -- Patrick, will you help me cram for finals? Sure. - Here, quiz me! - Economics. Wednesday at 8:30, in room 213! - Incorrect. It's Thursday at noon in room 621. Dang! Norman's idea of cramming for finals is making sure he knows where to go!
dr050601 -- Dad, you got a really important call while you were out! - I couldn't find a pen and paper, so I wrote it all down on my Etch-A-Sketch! - Unfortunately, a few minutes later, we had an earthquake and it all got erased. Sorry! - I have a whole
dr050601 -- different set of problems than most people!
dr050602 -- - - CREEEEEEEKK! - Looking for a midnight snack, Mr. Why-Can't-I-Lose-Weight? One of these days, I need to lube the pantry door!
dr050603 -- Be careful at the stop sign up ahead, dad! - Sometimes a policeman parks around the corner and nabs people who fail to come to a complete stop! - I don't see him. I guess he's not here, today! - Darn! I wasted a good stop!
dr050604 -- - My cell phone is ringing. beep! - Sorry. Wrong number! - How did you KNOW it was a...oh, yeah, who would ever call YOU? My ambition is to run out of minutes someday!
dr050605 -- COUGH! COUGH! HACK! COUGH! - Ralph! How ya' doin'?? Uh...hi, No-Neck! - What brings you to the doctor's office? Are you sick? No, I'm fine. My wife just made me come in for a check-up. - That's good. You don't want what I've got! I'm sick as
dr050605 -- a dog! - Hey, Fred! DO you know Ralph? No! Nice to...COUGH! ...meet you! - COUGH! HACK! WHEEZE! HACK! WHEEZE! COUGH! - I think you should go to the doctor.
dr050606 -- Sweet! There's one slice of pie left! - This is probably a stupid question, dad, but would you care to split it? - Norm, there's no such thing as a stupid question... - But that was a heck of a nice try!
dr050607 -- Ah ka uhnnathah waa kah nahah laa waah! - WHAT did you say?? Gulp! - I said, I can't understand why I can never lose weight! It's hard to talk with a mouthful of twinkie.
dr050608 -- Let's go on a diet together! - We'll have a contest to see who can lose the most weight! - Come on! Let's go weigh ourselves! OK, just a minute... - Ready! No fair loading your pockets with golf balls!
dr050609 -- - - munch munch munch - Dad, I'm glad you're on a diet, but I think you've been eating too much lettuce!
dr050610 -- What are YOU doing here?? - I'm guarding the refrigerator. - If you attempt to obtain a midnight snack, I have been instructed to quack loudly and alert the household! - I'll share. Brownies are behind the milk!
dr050611 -- Honeybunch, I have a bone to pick with you! - You hid my favorite candy! You put it in the far back of the pantry, down on the bottom shelf! - Didn't you trust me to stick to my diet?? Do you think that I'm so weak that I'd actually... - How
dr050611 -- do you KNOW I hid them? Uhhhhh...
dr050612 -- 45...46...47! - We have 48 items in our cart, and you only have 47... - So you can go ahead of us! Thank you! - I'm not taking you shopping anymore! I have lots of coupons!
dr050613 -- Mom and dad are having a contest to see who can lose the most weight! - She seems to be taking it more seriously than him! For your information, twelve hours of watching TV burns up as many calories as one hour of jogging!
dr050614 -- Stupid scale! It says I GAINED a pound! - How can that be?! I've been starving myself ever since we started our diet contest! - Maybe the scale is adjusted to high, honeybunch! - Nope, it says I've LOST three pounds!
dr050615 -- Dang it! I've gained another half a pound! - Last week I started a contest with Ralph to see who could lose the most weight. - And after all this time, what do I have to show for it?? - A skinny husband! flex flex!
dr050616 -- Ralph, I can't believe it! - How did you lose so much weight?! - I severely cut my donut intake! - I'm down to half a dozen per day!
dr050617 -- You should be HAPPY that I've lost weight, honeybunch! - I'm disappointed with myself! I've been eating celery for ten days, and I haven't lost an ounce! - Don't worry, honeybunch! Even though I'm now a fabulous hunk, I'll always continue to
dr050617 -- walk by your side. - For one thing, it's shady!
dr050618 -- I'm home! Ralph! What happened?? - You're FAT again!! - I know. That new buffet opened across town! - On the bright side, at least now I won't need to replace my entire wardrobe! Burp!
dr050619 -- Hey! Let's get this shirt for dad for Father's Day! World's #1 Dad - "World's Number One Dad"? Isn't that kind of unrealistic? - Why? Well, think about it... - There are more than 6 billion people in the world, so there must be at least a
dr050619 -- couple of billion dads! - Dad couldn't possibly be the world's number ONE dad! And he warned us never to exaggerate! - If he's not number one, where does he rank? Well, it's safe to say he's in the top billion... - Happy Father's Day! Thanks
dr050619 -- for the ringing endorsement, kids. World's 34,892,671 Dad It's a good thing you wear an "XXL"!
dr050620 -- Ticket Booth Five tickets please. I heard they opened a new thrill ride at this amusement park! - "The Dirigible Of Doom." It's so shocking, it's supposed to make your hair stand on end! - HOW much?? It can't be any more shocking than the
dr050620 -- ticket booth.
dr050621 -- It's a crowded day at the amusement park! - I can't tell if we're in Future Land, Wild West Land or Dinosaur Land! We're obviously in Future Land. - How can you tell? They've got a serious overpopulation problem!
dr050622 -- So far, all we've done at this amusement park is wait in lines! - I give up! You guys can wait in line! I'm going to sit down! - Great. There's even a line for the bench!
dr050623 -- I can't understand why dad dislikes amusement parks! I can't either! - He seems to fit right in! Quit following me around! I'm not a character!
dr050624 -- How come you're scared to go on the fast rides, dad? I'm not scared! - I already went on one fast ride today! Did you? Which one? - You know, that long, snake-like ride with all the people inside! - You mean the parking lot tram? Man, I
dr050624 -- thought I was gonna lose my lunch!
dr050625 -- Well, we're all tired, but we had a fun day at the amusement park! - It will feel good to get home and crawl in bed! - Assuming we ever remember where we parked the car! Don't worry, dad. I had the presence of mind to leave our lights on!
dr050626 -- Whoa...I don't feel so good! Maybe you should see a doctor! They have a first-aid station over by the castle! - Loony Land First Aid - I'd like to see the doctor! Sign in and wait your turn! - I'm sick! Sign in and wait your turn! - Mr.
dr050626 -- Jones, the doctor will see you now! That's me! - Hey, I was here first! How come he gets to go before me?? - I used my "Speedy Pass" ticket! Never get sick at an amusement park!
dr050627 -- WHOOSH WHOOSH - pant pant pant - whoosh whoosh whoosh whoosh - Summer's going to be over in two months, you know! Maybe YOU'D like to blow up the pool!
dr050628 -- WHOOSH WHOOSH WHOOSH - WHOOSH WHOOSH WHOOSH - Done! wheeze pant pant pant wheeze wheeze pant I forgot to mention, you could've used a blow dryer!
dr050629 -- How was your baseball game, Patrick? - Great! I won the game with a "walk-off" double! Way to go! - I hit a "walk-off" double when I was in little league, too! - Yeah, but unfortunately, the game wasn't over when you walked off! No wonder the
dr050629 -- coach was so upset!
dr050630 -- DING DONG - Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf! - Relax, Wally! That was just the TV! - Jeepers! How dumb can you get? Why would a TV be ringing our doorbell?
dr050701 -- - - Wally, if you're going to jump off the diving board, you've got to commit to it!
dr050702 -- What flavor of dog food should I buy for Wally? - It doesn't matter. - Of course it matters! If he doesn't like it, he might not eat it! - How about the chicken with rice? Get something that tastes like my cushion insoles. He ate those
dr050702 -- yesterday!
dr050703 -- When we get home, remind me to check your father's pedometer! - What's a pedometer?? It's a little device that measures how far you walk! I bought it for him yesterday. - The doctor told him he needs to walk at least two miles a day in order
dr050703 -- to lose weight! I can't wait to see how far he's gone today! - OK, Ralph! Show me the pedometer! - - 3.46 miles! Good for you!! - All those trips to the refrigerator really add up!
dr050704 -- - - - Sometimes I think my kids just see me as a walking ATM!
dr050705 -- - poink! I'm free! - Hey guys! Wait for me! Losing one's hair can be a demoralizing experience!
dr050706 -- - One...two...three... - ABANDON HEAD! - My hairs are like rats deserting a sinking ship!
dr050707 -- June! It's so nice to see you again! What brings you to the little league fields? - My son Patrick! In fact, that's him batting against your son, Hunter! - Really?? What a coincidence! Excuse me for one moment... - STRIKE HIM OUT, HUNTER!!
dr050707 -- CLOBBER IT, PATRICK!!
dr050708 -- STRIKE HIM OUT, HUNTER! TAKE HIM DOWNTOWN, PATRICK!! - Strike three! YES! YES! YES! - 'bye, June! I'll see you at the book club next month! - Friendships that stand the test of time are nothing compared to friendships that stand the test of
dr050708 -- little league!
dr050709 -- You hate me, don't you? Of course not! - You're OK. I just don't find you particularly exciting or compelling. - But you're better than nothing. - Great. I'm the human equivalent of interleague baseball.
dr050710 -- Ralph! Ralph Drabble! Long time, no see! - Hey, how ya' doin? - Great, Ralph! What's new? Oh, nothing much, Bill! - How's the family, Ralph? The family is great, Frank! How about yours? - Just fine, Ralph! Thanks for asking! You're welcome,
dr050710 -- Jerry! - Well, it's nice to see you again, Ralph! Same here, Vinny! - Say hello to the missus, Ralph! Will do, Enrique! - Something tells me you couldn't remember his name! I hope it wasn't too obvious!
dr050711 -- - - You're being awfully quiet, Norman. - Sorry, I guess I... DON'T SPOIL IT!!!
dr050712 -- - Leonardo DiCaprio??? - Hello?? - Wendy answers her phone more often since I got "Fake Caller I.D."!
dr050713 -- No, don't hire painters, mother... - I'm sure Ralph would LOVE to paint your house! WHAT?! - SWERVE! - Not only is it dangerous to drive while talking on a cell phone, it's dangerous to drive while your WIFE is talking on a cell phone!
dr050714 -- You sure bought lots of stuff! Do we really NEED all this? - Are you implying that I'm a compulsive shopper?? - Not at all! - But, just out or curiosity, why did you by two canes? We're going to be old one day, and they were on sale!
dr050715 -- How was the movie? - According to the Ralph Drabble Rating System, it was a seven. - A seven is pretty good, right? No, a seven is terrible! - Your father judges a movie by how many times he gets up to go to the bathroom.
dr050716 -- I give up! I'm a weak man! - Ahh... Pork rinds! - So much for dad's "starvation" diet! That was the longest hour and 45 minutes of my life!
dr050717 -- ? - Next! ? - ? - Paper or plastic? - - Life is no picnic when you suffer from chronic indecisiveness. Actually, that's not true. Well, maybe it is!
dr050718 -- I got a big promotion at the mall! - After 15 distinguished years of fighting crime, I have been promoted to assistant supreme mall cop commander! - Wow! Does that mean you'll get a raise? Even better... - I get to wear a cape!
dr050719 -- Why do you wear a cape on the job, dad? - Watch how cool I look when I run. - - PANT WHEEZE PUFF HE looks cool until he stops running!
dr050720 -- Look! It's "Mall Cop Man"! - He's in a hurry! There must be an emergency in the mall! - Or else it's lunch-time and he's trying to beat the rush! First in line!
dr050721 -- How did you get to be "Mall Cop Man"? - I came to this mall to help ensure truth, justice and a top-notch shopping experience! - I achieves superhero status as a result of my heroic actions during the recent midnight madness sale! Wow! - If
dr050721 -- you don't write your own story, someone else will write it for you!
dr050722 -- Another day's work is done. - "Mall Cop Man" will now hop into the Mall Cop-Mobile and return to his secret lair! chirp! - O the road, an adoring public waves to express its appreciation! - Or maybe it's just because my cape is caught in the
dr050722 -- door!
dr050723 -- DING! - - DING! - Aakk! Mall cops wearing capes may not be a good idea!
dr050724 -- Here you go, No-Neck! BAP!  - BOP! - BAM! - That makes the score three to tone! Let's just play to five, I'm kind of pooped! Do you think "Fat Guy Beach Volleyball" will ever catch on? I hope not!
dr050725 -- By the way, last night on the news, they showed a beached whale being rolled back into the ocean. - I wonder what made you think of that? Beats me! You two are liable to be on the news, yourselves!
dr050726 -- I wonder why people always bring so much stuff to the beach? Beats me... - Ask dad! I hate to disturb him during "Raymond."
dr050727 -- Everyone needs sunscreen! - Whenever you're at the beach, it's important to protect your skin! - I'd say we're protected, mom! Better safe than sorry!
dr050728 -- You need more sunscreen! - What is it about mom that makes her want to put sunscreen on us all the time?? It's maternal instinct! - Moms have a natural inclination to protect everyone from getting sunburned. - ...whether she knows them or
dr050728 -- not! Hey, lady! Why are you putting sunscreen all over me?? Have you never heard of global warming?
dr050729 -- Who else at this beach needs sunscreen?! - How about you? NO, thank you, I don't like sunscreen! - Lady, I don't WANT any sunscreen!! Hold still! You'll thank me when you're old!! You might not believe this, but when I married your mom, she
dr050729 -- was fairly normal!
dr050730 -- Are you wearing two pairs of glasses?? Yes, reading glasses and sunglasses. - Why? Because I'm outside and I'm reading. - OK, but shouldn't you be wearing the sunglasses over the reading glasses? No. - Why? Because that would be stupid!
dr050731 -- This has been a test of the emergency broadcast system. - We repeat: this was only a test! Never mind! My mistake! Everybody, go back to bed!
dr050801 -- THIS IS YOUR FINAL WARNING! PULL OVER IMMEDIATELY! - LEADING ME ON A HIGH_SPEED PURSUIT WILL ONLY COMPOUND YOUR PROBLEMS! - How do I pull over on an escalator?? You should have thought of that before ignoring the "Please Use Handrail" sign!
dr050802 -- Look at the picture I drew, daddy! Wow, Penny! - What is it? It's a picture of a mommy, and a daddy! - Which one is which? The daddy is the one with earrings, and the mommy is the one with tattoos! - Duh! Times have changed since I was a kid!
dr050802 -- CONTINENTS have changed since you were a kid!
dr050803 -- ka-pock! pa-kop! - WHAM! - Next! We can beat dad at every video and computer game. Ping-pong is all he has left!
dr050804 -- Dad, I saw a new invention today that will revolutionize the communications industry! - On a street corner, I saw a booth with a TELEPHONE inside, that could be activated simply by dropping coins in a slot! - What a great idea! It's obvious
dr050804 -- for people who have forgotten their cell phones! - The future is now, isn't it, son! What an amazing time to be alive!
dr050805 -- I'm excited that you agreed to go out with me tonight, Wendy! - I thought it might be fun to go to the Minimart for a cherry slush, and then watch ourselves in the security monitor! - I need an Aspirin. Why? Do you have a migraine? - No, but
dr050805 -- the Aspirin takes half an hour to work, and by then, I probably will!
dr050806 -- - Ralph, why do you stand here and stare into the refrigerator all night long? - Don't exaggerate! I do not stare into the refrigerator all night long! - Just until icicles form on my nose!
dr050807 -- Wow! This dog food is really GOOD! I could get used to eating this! Mm-MMM!! - I've always wondered what dogs dream about when they're having nightmares! whimper whimper whimper!
dr050808 -- Munch munch munch - Hey, don't double-dip! That's unsanitary! - I didn't get enough dip on it! You need to dip your chip well enough to cover it the first time! - Like this!
dr050809 -- My hair is turning gray. - Gray hair runs in my family! - - In your case, it seems to be running away!
dr050810 -- Look! Another one of dad's hairs is about to fall out! - bink! - Very nice! - 9.5 10 Smart alecks!
dr050811 -- - What are you doing? We're watching dad's hair fall out! - There they go! bink bink bink boink! - It's kind of like watching lemmings! I'll be glad when school starts again!
dr050812 -- Ralph, I can't believe you ate all the chocolate dough! - That was selfish and inconsiderate! - If you ever do that again, you may or may not live to regret it! Sorry. - How did that go? Let's just say I got the last word!
dr050813 -- What's up with this stupid remote entry device?? - I hate modern technology!! How come it won't unlock the door?! It only unlocks the CAR door, Ralph! - Oh, yeah, huh! It's been a long day, hasn't it?
dr050814 -- - - - - - Poor dad. When we go to the amusement park, he never wants to go on any of the rides! I'm sure he finds ways to entertain himself while we're waiting in line!
dr050815 -- Wow!! This is AMAZING!! - Awesome! Spectacular! Breathtaking!! You mean, this is IT??
dr050816 -- Isn't Niagara Falls amazing?! For thousands of years, water has poured into the river below! - Just THINK about it! - How come the water never runs out? Why doesn't the river overflow? Can you imagine their monthly water bill? OK, OK...stop
dr050816 -- thinking about it!
dr050817 -- Isn't it exciting, Ralph?! - This boat will take us to get a close-up view of the falls! - WHAP - THAT'S CLOSE ENOUGH!!
dr050818 -- ...I'm telling you I can't sleep with all that noise! - There's nothing you can do about it?? - Then this is the last time I intend to stay at this hotel? Goodbye! - Honeybunch, they can't turn off Niagara Falls at night! I don't expect them
dr050818 -- to turn it off, just down a little!
dr050819 -- We're coming to the border checkpoint... - The officer will have to ask us a number of questions before we can return to our country. No need to be nervous or intimidated! Just answer the questions calmly! - State your country of citizenship.
dr050819 -- Haaminna haaminna haminna...
dr050820 -- What was the purpose of your vacation, Mr. Drabble? - We just wanted to see Niagara Falls from the other side! Honest! - Are you carrying any weapons in your car? Absolutely not! - What's about that thing in the trunk, dad? It's just a
dr050820 -- crowbar! Step out of the vehicle, please.
dr050821 -- I love the buffet! - booble-oodle-oop! - Hello? - Hi, Ralph! Will you please pick me up a slice of cantaloupe and a blueberry muffin while you're up? - - Thank you, Ralph. Have I mentioned lately that I hate cell phones?
dr050822 -- The key to a successful visit to New York City is not to look like tourists! - So I went out and bought some things that will help us look like native New Yorkers! - Are you sure native New Yorkers wear statue of liberty hats? Trust me! We'll
dr050822 -- blend right in!
dr050823 -- Excuse me...where can we catch the subway? - Down those steps. Really? - Wow! Who would've guessed it was underground?? We might have waited on that street corner all day!
dr050824 -- What a fun we had in New York city! - Tomorrow should be even more fun! Good night, Ralph! click! - - Still thinking about your first New York city cab ride? Has the car stopped yet?
dr050825 -- knock knock knock Yes? Mail for Norman Drabble. - Mail for ME?? Thank you, my good man! - "Dear Norman, I'm having a wonderful time on your vacation. Don't hurry back. Regards, Wendy." - How thoughtful! Norman's the only person I know who
dr050825 -- GETS post cards on vacation!
dr050826 -- Hey, the light isn't green yet, but everyone is crossing the street! - Pedestrians don't always wait for green lights in New York city! - Is that so? Well, it's a good thing Ralph Drabble is in town! - CITIZEN'S ARREST!
dr050827 -- Kids, this is the Empire State Building! - This is the building that King Kong climbed! - Did King Kong REALLY climb up this building? Of course not, Penny. It was just a movie! - I'm sure it was a stunt monkey!
dr050828 -- Oh, boy! Cookies!! Better not, dad. Mom warned us not to have any before dinner! - Yeah, if she notices any missing, we might get in trouble! - Relax, boys. Watch and learn from the master! - You'll notice these cookies come in a plastic tray,
dr050828 -- in three rows. There are already a few cookies missing. - Now, if we take one cookie, it will be obvious. If we take two cookies, it will be obvious... - But, if we take one cookie from each row, we'll have THREE cookies, and no one will
dr050828 -- notice the difference! Wow! - How did dad get to be so smart? Apparently, the same way he got to be so fat!
dr050829 -- Airport terminals are fun! Yeah...the only thing I don't like about them is that it means we will soon be thousands of feet in the sky with nothing holding us up! - Your father is not an enthusiastic flyer! And why do they have to call then
dr050829 -- TERMINALS?!
dr050830 -- Look out the window, kids! It's the mighty Mississippi! - Principal river of the United States! 2.348 miles of water on an unstoppable journey th the Gulf of Mexico! - Isn't it an amazing sight? - Actually, dad, that's just a crack on the
dr050830 -- asphalt. We haven't taken off, yet! Well, excuse me, Mr. Know-It-All!
dr050831 -- There's not much leg room, is there? - Maybe you'd be more comfortable if you reclined your seat! - These seats recline?? - Sweet!
dr050901 -- Wow! There it is! The Grand Canyon!! - Nature's masterpiece! What a sight to behold! - All right, you've seen it! Now will you please go back to your own seat?! - I hope I never become as jaded as you people!
dr050902 -- It's good to be home! - I can't wait to sleep in my own bed! - What a vacation! I'm exhausted! - You know you had a good vacation when you come home and feel like you need another vacation!
dr050903 -- Come on, Ralph! We're going to watch the videos you took of our vacation! - Whoa! I'm getting dizzy! I don't remember there being an earthquake in New York! Next vacation, YOU GUYS can shoot the videos!
dr050904 -- Come on, Penny! We're all going out for Chinese food! Why! - Because mommy likes Chinese food, so we're all going to the restaurant! Why! - Because we're a family, and you're part of our family, and you're going to come with us! Why? - Penny,
dr050904 -- you need to think more of others and less about yourself! Why? - Because you shouldn't be selfish! - Think of it this way: There is no "I" in "Penny". - No, but there's a "Y"!
dr050905 -- Hello, telethon? May I speak to Jerry, please? - Busy??! He's not busy! I can see him on TV! He's just sitting at his desk listening to some guy sing! - Just tell him Ralph Drabble is on the phone! I'm his biggest fan! I wrote him a letter in
dr050905 -- 1967! - I'm sure he'll  remember me!
dr050906 -- Wow! There's a cute new girl working at the yogurt shop! Here's my chance to make a good first impression! - What can I get for you? - You're pointing to the Dutch chocolate? OK! - Maybe I'll be able to make a good second impression!
dr050907 -- There's a cute new girl working at the yogurt shop! I'll impress her by putting a dollar in her tip jar! - Crud! She didn't see me do it! NOW what should I do?? - Do nothing! Anonymous gifts are the most generous gifts of all! I say reach
dr050907 -- into the jar, pull out the dollar, and give it to her again when she's looking! - How come I always like the "Dumb Norm's" ideas better?
dr050908 -- Darn! She didn't see me put a tip in her jar! Now she'll think I'm a cheapskate! - Maybe I could reach in, pull out the tip, and put it back in when she IS looking! - Great idea! - Bad idea! Now my hand is stuck!
dr050909 -- Yikes! I've got my hand stuck in the tip jar!! - - Did you say you wanted Dutch chocolate or milk chocolate? D...D...Dutch chocolate! - Oh yeah. Why do thinks like this always happen to such an intelligent guy like me??
dr050910 -- I can't believe I got my hand stuck in her tip jar! - I've got to get it off before she sees me! - Here you go! Did I ask for a medium? I meant to say I wanted a large! - No problem. I'll start over! Take your time!!
dr050911 -- Good morning, dad! Mornin', Norm! - I think I'll go out and look for a job today! - But, before I go, I'll make sure to mow the lawn and wash your car! - And after that, I'll clean my room, wash the dishes, and... - EVERYBODY TAKE COVER!!! -
dr050911 -- RRRUMMMBBLE sway sway sway sway - How did you KNOW there was about to be an earthquake?? Norman started acting strangely!
dr050912 -- How did he get his hand stuck in the girl's tip jar? He took my advice and reached in to get his dollar back, so he can put it back in when she's looking! - FOOMP! - What a bonehead! Dang! I forgot to get the dollar! Reach in again!
dr050913 -- I need to get my dollar back out of the tip jar so she can see me give it to her! - Uhhh...could you add a little blueberry, please? OK. - - Here you go! And here's a tip for you! THAT'S THE SNEAKIEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN!
dr050914 -- I SAW THAT! Saw what" - You took a dollar out of her tip jar and put it back in so she'd think YOU gave it to her! No I didn't! - I took a dollar out of her tip jar and put it back in so she'd know I gave it to her! - That's what I said!! No
dr050914 -- it isn't!! Your yogurt is melting.
dr050915 -- I came back to explain what happened yesterday. I put a dollar in your tip jar, but you didn't see it... - So I tried to take it back out so I could give it to you again while you were looking, but I got my hand stuck in the tip jar! So then
dr050915 -- I... - No need to explain! I know exactly what happened. I watched the tape! - Oh, good! If you want to see it, it will be on tonight's installment of "World's Dumbest Humans".
dr050916 -- flip flip flip flip - press press push press . DANG! - One of the dangers of channel surfing is you're liable to run out out of batteries on the surgery channel!
dr050917 -- FOOD R' US - Oh, for heaven's sake... - Just a minute, Ralph! My hair's a mess! Ever since the grocery store put in surveillance monitors, it takes twice as long to shop!
dr050918 -- I baked some brownies for my book club meeting tonight! - I'll put them in the fridge for now. - You won't get into them, will you? - Me?? Of COURSE not! - chirp! LOCK! - It's not that I don't trust you... We have the only refrigerator in
dr050918 -- town with a keyless remote!
dr050919 -- Another school year is underway. - There are tellable signs that this could be a difficult year... - KLUNK! - Like not being able to get my backpack through the front door!
dr050920 -- Too bad about your heavy backpack, son. - When I was your age, my backpack was heavy, too! - Kids would try to lift it, and they were amazed at how heavy it was! - They didn't HAVE backpacks when you were a kid, Ralph! Oh, yeah. It must have
dr050920 -- been my lunch box!
dr050921 -- My stomach is telling me to eat a cookie... - But my brain is telling me not to. - His brain always loses. That's because his stomach is bigger!
dr050922 -- Let's see, now...where should I park the car? - Decisions, decisions... - How about right here! - You know, on second thought... ...Sigh...
dr050923 -- What's today's date? - The twenty-third. - - Of September. - - 2005! Wow, time flies!
dr050924 -- The mail's here, dad! - Trash bill...electric bill...cable bill... - Cell phone bill. - It's a bad sign when a bill comes in a package instead of an envelope.
dr050925 -- HIC! - Darn! Apple pie with chocolate milk didn't help! - I'll try some Rocky Road Ice Cream with root beer! - HIC! - Darn! That didn't work either! Let's see... - OK, I'll eat a plate of nachos while standing on one foot! - HIC! Darn! -
dr050925 -- Maybe eating a chili dog while lying on my back with my eyes closed! - Sometimes I think dad actually enjoys getting the hiccups! He seems to enjoy researching new cures!
dr050926 -- Dad! I got a job as a sign-twirler! Now Renting - I stand on a street corner and twirl this sign to attract the attention of passing motorists! Watch... - - Whoa! I think I'm gonna' hurl! You need to work on your twirling technique!
dr050927 -- Being a sign-twirler will be the easiest job ever! - All I have to do is stand on this street corner for ten hours... - And hold up this sign pointing the way to the new apartments! What a no-brainer!
dr050928 -- Here come some cars. This is a good time to give my sign a big twirl! - - Whoops! - I need to work on those big twirls!
dr050929 -- twirl..twirl... - FLIP! - - At least I'm attracting attention!
dr050930 -- I'm exhausted! I've been twirling this sign for 9 1/2 hours! - Excuse me...what's now renting?? The new apartments! - I don't see any apartments around here! - Isn't this the corner of Fifth and Main??!
dr051001 -- - You're not very animated for a sign-twirler! - Aren't you supposed to dance around to the music in your headphones? - I'm listening to Dr. Laura!
dr051002 -- This is that "Makeover" show, honeybunch! - Look, they're going to take this aging, overweight woman, and transform her into a raving beauty! - Maybe you should consider... - - - - ...sitting down and watching it with me! - Why did you pause
dr051002 -- for such a long time? My life flashed before my eyes!
dr051003 -- Stu! Here! Leonard! Here! - Pocket protectors! Check! Fanny packs! Check! - Then crank up the ABBA CD and let's go! Sweet! - "Dweeb" carpool!
dr051004 -- I can't believe it... - Even though it's rush hour, there's practically no... - DON'T SAY IT!! ...traffic. We told you not to say it!
dr051005 -- Norman, you jinxed it! - Every experienced driver knows never to say there are no cars on the road! - The moment you do, you'll be surrounded by cars! - There are no girls on the road, either. Sorry. It only works on cars!
dr051006 -- Curse this infernal traffic!! Try to maintain a positive attitude, Stu! - Being stuck in traffic can be frustrating, but make use of the time! Try to develop and refine your talents! - Yeah! I could practice my bird calls! And I could
dr051006 -- practice my yodeling! - Awwk! Awwk! Awwk! Odle-oodle-odle-oodle! Curse this infernal traffic!
dr051007 -- We're stuck in traffic! We're going to be tardy for class! - I'll walk in late and everyone will stare at me! - Everyone stares at you when you walk in on time, too! - HEY, YOU WANNA GO?!! Aaahh! A little rush hour traffic can really stress
dr051007 -- out the carpool!
dr051008 -- I'm going shopping, Ralph, and I need some money. - - Goodbye! - smooch! I should've just used the ATM!
dr051009 -- Daddy, why do you have two pairs of glasses hanging on your shirt? They're my sunglasses and my reading glasses! - It's stylish to wear your glasses on your shirt collar! - ...within reason, of course!
dr051010 -- Daddy, when I'm a teenager, can I get a belly button ring? I doubt it. - Dad, would you ever let me go to an "R" rated movie with some of my friends? I doubt it. - Dad, can I get a crossbow for my birthday? I doubt it. - I like to give my
dr051010 -- kids the benefit of the doubt!
dr051011 -- ...Sigh... - I've really let myself go, haven't I? - That's not true, Ralph! - It's not like you ever had much of a grip to begin with.
dr051012 -- Dinnertime! - Sorry! My bad! It usually is.
dr051013 -- TV is no good anymore. - Every program is a reality show! - Imagination and inventiveness are practically gone! - The only thing on TV that isn't a reality show is the news!
dr051014 -- Hi, Wendy! Welcome to the party! - Did you bring chips? Chips?? - I thought you said I was supposed to bring a dip! No, chips! - My mistake. You can go home!
dr051015 -- !!! - !! - !!!! - !!! - !! - 'bye, Dot! - Poor Dot. She has to go to the doctor today! Why? Did you talk her ear off?
dr051016 -- Look out below! - - - - YOUR turn, Wally! - You need to make a stronger commitment!
dr051017 -- - - Hello! - Wow! Mom answered her phone in  0.15 seconds! Amazing! Fastest cell in the west!
dr051018 -- Hmmm...I can't decide which... - ...jacket to wear? - The blue one! - I can't get a word in edgewise, even when I'm talking to myself!
dr051019 -- I love October! The supermarket looks festive! - October means Halloween, football and the World Series! - Yikes! I've got cards to address! Gifts to wrap! Cookies to bake! - It also means Christmas is only two months away!
dr051020 -- ...Sigh... - - HEY; COME ON! LET'S GO! LET'S GO!! - It's a little-known fact that a red light will change if you yell at it loud enough!
dr051021 -- Ralph! We're getting worried of you! - You come here every day at exactly 4:30 and order a Cookie Dough McBlurry! - It's almost 4:37! Where have you been? - I have a life, you know!
dr051022 -- - - Hey, back off! Give me some room, OK?!! - We astronomers need our space!
dr051023 -- 58...59...60! click! - Zero to sixty in twelve seconds! - That's pretty fast, isn't it, dad? It gets faster all the time! GAS Total Price 60.00
dr051024 -- PPPPPFFFF!! - AAAKKK!! - That was awful! - Why do people like to DO that?? You're supposed to catch SNOWFLAKES on your tongue, you moron!
dr051025 -- shred! pick! claw! - Oogie! Did you shred mommy's new sweater?! - You silly kitty! I shouldn't have left it hanging in the closet where you could get it! - I've said it before and I'll say it again:...there are two kinds of people in the
dr051025 -- world: cat lovers and normal people!
dr051026 -- What are you watching, dad? "Frankenstein". - This movie scared me to death when I was a little kid! . I had to sleep with a light on until I was a sophomore in high school! - Z
dr051027 -- This is the best Jack-O'-Lantern I've ever carved! - It's absolutely perfect! It's a work of art! - I'll just carve one more little thing... - Dang it! The key to being a good pumpkin-carver is knowing when to quit!
dr051028 -- Keep Out! Beware! Turn Back Now! Do Not Enter. Go Away! - This Means You! I like your decorations! Those aren't decorations. My mother-in-law likes to drop in unannounced!
dr051029 -- TRICK OR TREAT!! - Thorry, kidth! We theem to be all out of thuckerth!
dr051030 -- Why do they call autumn "fall"? - Because that's when the leaves fall! - Snow falls in the winter! They don't call WINTER "fall"! - Rain falls in the spring! They don't call SPRING "fall"! - Government holidays fall on Mondays, but they don't
dr051030 -- call Monday "FALL"day! - - Well, they don't! As I was saying...
dr051031 -- TRICK OR TREAT! Boy, what great costumes! - Here's one for the ballerina, one for the pirate, and one for the fat slob!
dr051101 -- I've come to the conclusion that Halloween is my favorite holiday. Why? - Because a month after Halloween comes Thanksgiving. And a month after that comes Christmas. - And right after that comes Ne Year's Day, and only three months after
dr051101 -- that, baseball season starts again! - That's why I love Halloween! I can almost taste the hot dogs!
dr051102 -- Every autumn, it's the same thing: rake, rake, rake! - How come I always have to do all the raking?! - Because they're YOUR candy wrappers! Oh, yeah, huh!
dr051103 -- Dad, look what Wally can do! - - ZOT! - What? Forget it!
dr051104 -- Why does Wally always dream that he's running and barking? woof woof - Because that's what he does every day when he's awake! - It's kind of how dad always dreams he's at the drive-thru! chiliburger...no onion...
dr051105 -- Norman, why would you wear a hood on a beautiful autumn day like this? - Because, if I DON'T wear my hood, it fills up with leaves!
dr051106 -- Hi, dad! Where have YOU been? - I read in the paper that a gas station in Buttonwillow was selling regular unleaded for only $1.50 a gallon! - So I drove there and filled the tank! Sweet! - Where's Buttonwillow, anyway? About 300 miles north.
dr051106 -- - You drove 300 miles, filled the tank, and drove back home?? Right. - Is there any gas left in the tank??! - Yeah, it's practically full! - I had to fill it up again at that expensive place down the street!
dr051107 -- Ralph, I think we should buy a new car! - A NEW CAR?? - Do you think I'm made out of money?? - If you were, we could afford a Lamborghini!
dr051108 -- Congratulations! Thanks. - What was that all about? - I received a neighborhood beautification award! What for? - It's in recognition of my decision to start wearing a shirt while doing yardwork!
dr051109 -- No, Wally. I don't want to play with your sock. - I don't want to play with your ball, either. - Hey, that's my new golf glove! Give me that! -
dr051110 -- Would you like me to help you with homework, Patrick? OK . What's the definition of the word EXHORT? - That's easy... - A former HORT! - Would you like me to help dad help you, Patrick?
dr051111 -- ...Sigh... !!!! ?? :...!! - I need to go. There's another call coming in! 'bye! - Dinner? boop! Hello? - Oh, hi! It's hard to get a word in edgewise around here!
dr051112 -- Before I start painting, I want to make sure our stupid cat isn't around! - The last thing I need is for Oogie to walk in here and wreak havoc! - I have no idea where Oogie is? Dang! - Cats: Where are they when you don't need 'em!
dr051113 -- This month's book was "The Call Of The Wild." What did we learn from it? - I learned not to read while I'm eating cheese puffs because the pages turn orange! - I didn't like the book. No pictures! It's easier just to rent the movie! Next
dr051113 -- month, let's read "The Hulk Hogan Story". The last book I read was in the 7th grade! Who cares? I just came here tonight for the free food. OK, let's wrap this up and turn on the basketball game! I told you a men's book club would never work!
dr051114 -- squeak squeak squeeky squeek - No, Wally. I don't want to play with your squeaky ball! - squeaky squeek squeak - What good is having a human if he never wants to play?
dr051115 -- No, Wally. I don't want to play with your sock! - - I don't want to play with MY sock, either!
dr051116 -- - Honeybunch, it's time to go! How much longer will you be? - I'm almost almost ready. - ALMOST almost?? That means I have time to make a sandwich!
dr051117 -- Got any eights? - Go fish! - They're running out of things to put on TV, aren't they? - What's wrong with "Celebrity Fish"?
dr051118 -- I can't believe they actually televise celebrities playing cards. - People will watch celebrities do anything! - That's not true! - Coming up next: "Celebrity Rock-Paper-Scissors." Sweet!
dr051119 -- Hey, get out of my chair! - Crazy dog! - Chairs are for people! - What we have here is an utter disregard for human superiority!
dr051120 -- Stupid gum! - - - - - - - Let me guess...you're turning into a butterfly.
dr051121 -- Lose the remote again, dad? Yeah... - Why doesn't it ever get lost in an obvious place? - Why does it always get lost in some far away, hard.to.find place? - I found it on top of the refrigerator! Now I know why it's called a "remote"!
dr051122 -- Welcome to Down N' Out Burgers! Hey. - That'll be $4.92! I haven't ordered yet!! - OK. Go ahead! One double cheeseburger, one onion ring and a large root beer! - That'll be $4.92! I recognized your voice, Mr. Drabble! Apparently, I come here
dr051122 -- more often than I realized!
dr051123 -- Hello? - - Well, same to you! - Crank call! - - Hello? - Yes, dear. I'm sorry, dear. Yes, dear. I will, dear! - Cranky call!
dr051124 -- - Felling a little bloated, dad? You might say that!
dr091125 -- 'bye grandma! Thanks again for dinner! - How did you like the turkey, Ralph? - cough cough cough! - I think it was undercooked!
dr051126 -- Want to get a burger at the drive-thru, honeybunch? - I don't like going to that burger drive-thru. You go there so often, everyone knows you. It's embarrassing! - Let's get a taco, instead! - Hi, Ralph! The usual?
dr051127 -- Don't step into the car with wet shoes! - shake shake shake - shake shake shake - ? ...Sigh... - shake shake shake - shake shake shake - scratch! scratch! - How's this? Every day, I believe more and more that you take after your mom's side of
dr051127 -- the family!
dr051128 -- I'm going to be FIVE on my next birthday! - Wow! Do you feel old? - Not really! People are healthier and living longer these days! - They say FIVE is the new THREE!
dr051129 -- It's a good thing Zorro's name begins with a "Z". - If it started with a "B" or something, it would take longer to carve his initial into the bad guy's pants! Eat your popcorn, Norman.
dr051130 -- Thanks for the call! - That was Wendy. She wanted to let me know she couldn't go out with me on new year's eve! - You already asked her? No. - That's what I love about her. She's so thoughtful!
dr051201 -- I can't believe it's already here! - I've got so much to do!! - I'm a nervous wreck! - It must be December! They should change the word "MAYhem" and call it "Decemberhem"!
dr051202 -- Ralph, I've decided where I'd like to go for dinner! - Let me guess: seafood! How did you know? - Because that's what I want, and my stomach is always a step ahead of you! - Your stomach is always a step ahead of YOU, too!
dr051203 -- Good morning, Wendy! - Good morning, Norman. - Did you get dressed in the dark again? That's amazing. - How do you always KNOW these things?!
dr051204 -- Soft Serve Ice Cream - - - - - How come everyone in this buffet is staring at me? If you're going to go back to the dessert bar for sevenths, consider taking an alternate route!
dr051205 -- Hello, credit card company? This is Mrs. Drabble... - I need a replacement card. - No, it wasn't lost or stolen... - It melted! The holiday shopping is going well, I take it.
dr051206 -- Where are dad and Norman? They went outside. - I think they're putting up the Christmas decorations. - I think it's cute when they hang out together! -
dr051207 -- Our new barstools are uncomfortable! - Half of me is sitting and half of me is standing! - We need bigger barstools! Either that, or... - OR WHAT?? Nothing. Whoever said "A man can't be two places at once" never saw dad on a barstool!
dr051208 -- - - Hey, let go of my shirt, you stupid cat! - Another reason dogs are better than cats: they're easier to put down!
dr051209 -- Chips and dip, leftover pizza... - Cookies, crackers, and aerosol cheese. - OK, now I'm ready to study! - Norman crams for finals in more ways than one! Oops! I forgot the ice cream.
dr051210 -- I'm back from the mall! - You're hard to shop for! Me?? - I like sweatpants and floral shirts. I need socks and underwear! - Why am I hard to shop for? I don't have any money!
dr051211 -- ...SIGH... What's wrong, mom? - I hate to say it, Penny, but the holidays make me a nervous wreck! - I have so much to do! I have so many gifts to shop for and wrap! - The holidays aren't supposed to make you a nervous wreck! They're supposed
dr051211 -- to make you happy! - I'd rather not have any presents at all than to see you upset! - I know I gave you a long Christmas list, but please don't buy me another thing! Whatever you got for me so far is enough, OK? - Thank you, Penny! I feel
dr051211 -- better already! Good! - Besides, Santa will bring me all the other stuff! He always does!
dr051212 -- Why is there a Poker game on the SPORTS channel?? - Poker isn't a sport! - I don't consider something a sport unless it makes me sweaty! - In that case, bending over to tie your shoes is a sport!
dr051213 -- How about this one? - Nope. Why not?? - It's too short, too wide, and has a big bald spot! - I like it! Probably because it reminds you of you!
dr051214 -- Excuse me, ma'am,,,I overheard you grumbling about the crowds here at the mall. - I'm afraid I'll have to issue you a holiday spirit violation! - HOLIDAY SPIRIT VIOLATION??! Part of the joy of the season is being together with other members
dr051214 -- of your community! - Have a nice day, ma'am, and watch the attitude!
dr051215 -- A HOLIDAY SPIRIT VIOLATION?? What did I do?? You were rude to a sales clerk! That's a no-no this time of the year! - Have a nice day, ma'am. - Issuing a lot of holiday spirit violations this year, dad? I'll say! - Chistmas is more than a
dr051215 -- week away, and I already have writer's cramp!
dr051216 -- A "Holiday Spirit Violation"?? That's correct, sir. - You were observed being "humbuggy"! - So, what's my penalty? Follow me... - Thirty minutes of gift wrap duty!
dr051217 -- - - How come there are no decorations on the bottom of the... - Tree?
dr051218 -- Tell me again what we're doing! We're delivering "Secret Santa" Cookies! - We have a list of families. We'll go to each house, put cookies on their porch, ring the doorbell, and run away! The tag says "from your secret Santa". - The Kehoes
dr051218 -- live right there. Park on the corner and wait for me! - Trust me: this will be fun! - - DING DONG - - Your mom was right. This IS fun!
dr051219 -- - rip rip shred rip! - - Apparently, "holiday spirit violations" are unenforceable at home!
dr051220 -- I wrapped dad's present! - Norman, you should have DISGUISED it! - He'll know it's a bowling ball! - It's a pair of golf shoes. In that case, good job!
dr051221 -- Hey, I recognize this... - It's the fruitcake that the Herreras gave us! - We gave it to the Loys who must have given it to the Edwards, who have given it back to us! - Boy, we have cheap friends! Fruitcake: the gift that keeps on being
dr051221 -- given!
dr051222 -- This fruitcake gets passed around the neighborhood every year because nobody wants it! - Well, now it's the Mitchell's problem! DING DONG - I'm rid of it for another year! -
dr051223 -- - A watched chimney never gets slid down!
dr051224 -- Look! I see a red light moving across the sky!! - I think I hear sleigh bells! Santa must be coming!! - It's late! You'd better go inside and get to sleep, Penny! - Are you kidding?? I've never been so wide awake in my LIFE!! Way to go, dad!
dr051225 -- 12:30 a.m. - 1:00 a.m. - 1:30 a.m. - 2:30 a.m. Z - 3:30 a.m. - 4:00 a.m. - 5:00 a.m. - 5:30 a.m. rattle rattle! - 7:00 a.m. It's Christmas morning! I can't believe she isn't awake already! Z
dr051226 -- But Christmas was YESTERDAY! - The holidays officially run through the first of the year! - Holiday Spirit Violations Issued 1293 Dang!
dr051227 -- You bought a new shampoo! - "Hair Thickener"?? - It makes it look like you have more hair. Sweet! - Just don't spill any on your back!
dr051228 -- I'd like to call Wendy and ask her out for new year's eve! - But when I call, she's going to see my name appear on her cell phone, and she won't answer it! - - Here, YOU call!
dr051229 -- Hi, Wendy. It's me, Norman! - I wondered if you might like to go out with me on new year's eve! - - Well, do you know anyone else who might like to?
dr051230 -- BAD KITTY! - Oogie just clawed my new sweater! - I like cats. They make people appreciate dogs!
dr051231 -- - ACHOO! -Dang! - I just can't seem to shake this cold! - That was really dumb! It must be one of our year-end close-out jokes!
dr060102 -- Z - fwee! - Z - Something tells me dad did a little too much partying over the holidays! fwee! I've never seen anyone pass out from too many pork rinds!
dr060103 -- How about if we turn off some of these lights around here?!! click! - Who opened a soda and then only drank half of it?! We're not made out of money, you know! - What's with dad? It's normal for January! - He's got the
dr060103 -- "Christmas-bills-will-be-arriving-any-day-now! jitters! Who turned the thermostat up so high?!
dr060104 -- I'm warning you! I'm not in the mood for any trouble! - squeak! - Good mailbox! - No Christmas bills, yet!
dr060105 -- I hate opening the mailbox in January! squeak! - January mail usually includes many large bills! - SMOOCH SMOOCH - January makes you appreciate a box full of junk mail!
dr060106 -- Where's dad? Beats me. - He went outside an hour ago to check the mail, and I haven't seen him since. - - The Christmas bills have arrived! Could someone lift the Zundel's department store bill of my chest?
dr060107 -- HEY, GET DOWN FROM THERE! - You dumb cat! - You got cat hair all over my easy chair! - What kind of hair am I SUPPOSED to get all over his easy chair??
dr060109 -- Officer Drabble! That woman over there just took a piece of candy from the bin and ATE it! - That's theft! i insist you arrest her! ARREST her?? Aw, gee...I don't... - Officer Drabble, it is your sworn duty to upheld the law! ...sigh...oh,
dr060109 -- all right. - You have the right to remain silent...
dr060110 -- Honeybunch, you were observed taking a malt ball from the bin and eating it. - I'm afraid I'll have to run you in! Very funny, Ralph. - It's no joke. Society must take a stand! Ralph, it was jut a little malt ball! - Today it's a malt ball,
dr060110 -- tomorrow it's a jewelry heist! come with me!
dr060111 -- Honeybunch, to pay your debt to society, you'll have to serve time in the jail. MALL JAIL?!! - Ralph, I just ate one little malt ball! i thought I could sample them! - Don't worry. With time off for good behavior, you could be out here in an
dr060111 -- hour or two! - Ralph Drabble, when you get home tonight, you're really gonna' get it! Something tells me I'll be home before you, honeybunch!
dr060112 -- How's it going, honeybunch? - you know, I'm really sorry that I had to arrest you. You forgive me, don't you? - One day you'll thank me. Remember, there's still time to turn your life around! Am I right? - I see you're taking me up on your
dr060112 -- right to remain silent!
dr060113 -- honeybunch, you've got another hour to serve in the mall jail, but it's quitting time for me! - no-Neck will take over guarding your call! - I'll see you when you get home! I'll tie a yellow ribbon around the tree for you! Hee hee! - Good
dr060113 -- luck!
dr060114 -- Kids, I have something to tell you... - I had to arrest your mom at the mall, and she's currently incarcerated in the mall jail. - MOMMY is in the JAIL?? I'm afraid so, Penny! - Does this mean we can have fast food for dinner? you betcha'1
dr060114 -- Let's go!
dr060116 -- When will mom be home? She's due to be paroled from the mall jail in twenty minutes! RING! - Hello? Yes, this is Ralph! - WHAT?!! - Put away the pizza and ice cream! You mom just busted out of the slammer!!
dr060117 -- Dad, what happened? You mom busted out of the mall jail! - How??! No-Neck was guarding her cell... - Apparently, she overpowered him and stole his key! - That's hard to believe! Not really...No-Neck is very ticklish!
dr060118 -- I can't believe mom escaped from the mall jail! I knew I should've put her in solitary! - How will we ever find her? Relax! Wally The Wiener Dog is hot on her trail! sniff sniff! - - I just hope we find her before the police chopper! sniff
dr060118 -- sniff
dr060119 -- Wally says your mom's trail leads to Mrs. Mosley's home! - Why would she break out of the mall jail and go to Mrs. Mosley's house?? - What could have been so important that she would risk...wait a minute, what day is it? Thursday. - It's BOOK
dr060119 -- CLUB Night!!
dr060120 -- ATTENTION, BOOK CLUB! - YOU ARE HARBORING AN ESCAPEE FROM THE MALL JAIL! - COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP, HONEYBUNCH! - AND BRING ME A SLICE OF MRS. MOSELY'S CHEESECAKE!
dr060121 -- All's well that ends well, right, honeybunch? - You escaped from the mall jail, but you surrendered peacefully! So, the judge showed mercy and let you come home! - Everything is good now, isn't it?! - The ankle bracelet is a little
dr060121 -- uncomfortable! You only need to wear it until august!
dr060123 -- Oh, boy! Chips and dip! - Remember, Ralph, no double-dipping! - SCOOP! - No problem!
dr060124 -- What's wrong, honeybunch? sniff! - My uncle Fred passed away! Awww! - So, what's for dinner` - Ralph, how can you be so insensitive?? I said !Awww"!
dr060125 -- Poor uncle Fred! HONK - Why did he have to go?! Why couldn't he have lived just a few more years??! - It's not fair! It's just not fair!! Honeybunch... - Uncle Fred was 112! - Yes, but he didn't look a day over 106!
dr060126 -- Honeybunch, I'm sorry if I seemed callous about your uncle Fred. - What happened to uncle Fred? He died unexpectedly. He DIDN'T die unexpectedly!! He was 112!! - Sorry again. YOU may not go unexpectedly, either!
dr060127 -- snnnniffff! - Ahhh! Cherry pie! - I like to come into the candle shop and sniff all the scented candles! - Try not to think about how many people have stuck that under their nose! Ahhh! Lasagna!
dr060128 -- Have a seat in the waiting room, Mr. Drabble. The doctor will see you shortly. - sniffle! sniffle! snuff! - ASHOO! - Bless me. Snort!
dr060130 -- - wah ha ha ha ha ha! - - This picture is even WORSE! ha ha ha People with camera phones can be very annoying!
dr060131 -- It's coming down again. - Wendy, you know I think the world of you, but I must say, that's one of the dumbest statements I've ever heard! - Of course it's coming DOWN!! Where ELSE does rain go??!! - I was referring to your zipper. Oh, yeah,
dr060331 -- huh!
dr060201 -- I refuse to call! I refuse to humiliate myself over and over! - Aw, what the heck... - Hi, Wendy! I wonder if you'd care to go out with me tonight! - Dang! If Norman were an insect, he'd fly right into the bug zapper!
dr060202 -- Hi, Wendy. I'm calling again to invite you to dinner. - Before you say NO, just hear me out. I have three little words that may change your mind... - McRIBS ARE BACK! - Dang! Did you mention it's for a limited time only?
dr060203 -- Nothing is quite as intimidating as calling a girl to ask for a date! - She's not answering. That's OK. Sometimes it's easier just to leave a message! - Hi, this is Wendy. Leave your name and number and I'll call you back. If this is Norman
dr060203 -- calling, no I don't want to go out with you! - ...and sometimes it's not.
dr060204 -- Are you going to call Wendy and ask for a date again? - Nope, I'm too chicken! - Asking a girl can be extremely intimidating! - That must be why they call it "dating".
dr060206 -- Ralph, guess what! What? - I got whistled at! - Really?????????? - One too many question marks.
dr060207 -- Hi. Don't call me for the next two hours! - beep beep boop beep - Hi. Don't call me for the next two hours. - I hate it when the theater asks us to silence our cell phone! beep boop beep Something tells me there's an easier way!
dr060208 -- Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies, Mr. Drabble? - Uhh...sorry, I'm watching my weight! - - Seriously, would you like to buy some girl scout cookies? Sure, why not?!
dr060209 -- Handscooped Ice Cream - - -
dr060210 -- skattle skattle skattle skattle - CRASH! RIP! - I KNEW there was a reason why we shouldn't have installed a screen door!
dr060211 -- - - - Never stand on a swivel stool to change a light bulb!
dr060213 -- ...No, that's OK, Wendy. I understand that you already have plans. - I should've called sooner. Maybe next year. 'bye! - It IS kind of short notice to be asking her out for Valentine's Day! - I was asking her out for next NEW YEAR'S EVE!
dr060214 -- Happy Valentine's Day, honeybunch! - It's the watch I wanted for Christmas, bur didn't get! - Thank you, Ralph! All is forgiven! - I finally figured out why they put Valentine's Day so soon after Christmas!
dr060215 -- Mom, look at the snowman we made! It looks just like dad! - It DOES look like your dad! - ...except it's too skinny! - We ran out of snow! We'll finish next time there's a blizzard!
dr060216 -- Look, Oogie! Go get it! - A string? Big deal! How dumb do you think I am?? Am I supposed to think it's alive?? - I know the difference between... - WHOA! WHAT'S THAT??! Cats are fun!
dr060217 -- How was your date with Nina, Stu? - I don't think she'll go out with me again. - I have a feeling I'm the most boring person she's ever met! What makes you think that? - She said "you're the most boring person I've ever met." Trust your
dr060217 -- feelings!
dr060218 -- So, Nina actually said you're the most boring person she's ever met? - Yeah, but she won't be able to say it for long! I intend to do something to change that! - Good for you, Stu! That's the spirit! - What are you going to do? Introduce her
dr060218 -- to YOU!
dr060220 -- Swish! 40 baskets! - 41 baskets! - That's 82 points!!! - TAKE THAT, KOBE!! Of course, it took Norman four hours!
dr060221 -- PLINK PLINK - - Very realistic! Except I gave him too much hair!
dr060222 -- Where's my uniform?? - ...Sigh... - We thought it might cut down on door-to-door solicitors! Did I mention I'm late for work?
dr060223 -- Hello? Hello. Who's this? - What do you mean, "who's this?" YOU called ME!! You need to tell me who YOU are! - My cell phone says you tried to call me! Who ARE you?? Why would I call someone I don't know?? - Modern technology bringing
dr060223 -- strangers together!
dr060224 -- Dear Grandma, Thank you for the sweater you gave me for Christmas. - This thank-you note is a little late! - Didn't grandma give you that sweater TWO Christmases ago? - I told you it was late!
dr060225 -- - Uh-oh! My drink left a ring! - squeaky-squeak! - Reason #217 why men like to wear socks around the house!
dr060227 -- ...six TV remotes, four pairs of sunglasses... - An overdue library book, three 8-track tapes... - We should clean under the sofa cushions more often! Sweet! My big Bertha!
dr060228 -- Just TRY to guard me! dribble dribble - Isn't it rather unfair to play one-on-one against such a pathetic opponent? - Actually, he's not so bad! I was talking to the duck!
dr060301 -- Your defense is no match for my skills! Watch... - - SLAM! - Faked him out of his feathers!
dr060302 -- He shoots... - BLOCK - You stupid duck! Who do you think you are, SHAQ?? - Quack!
dr060303 -- You can't guard me, you stupid duck! dribble dribble - See? Ha ha ha ha! - KICK! - FLAGRANT FOWL! You can't say THAT again!
dr060304 -- OK, I'm officially steamed! - You haven't done your chores because you've been watching BASKETBALL all weekend! - That makes me really really angry! - Welcome to "March Madness"!
dr060306 -- Hey, Patrick, will you show me how to retrieve messages on my cell phone? Sure, dad. - Patrick, how do you program the VCR? - Say, Patrick, show me again how to print something! - Need me to help you with your homework, Patrick? Thanks, but
dr060306 -- no.
dr060307 -- KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK! - BARK BARK bark bark bark bark bark bark bark BARK BARK BARK bark bark - Wally, you dumb dog! Why do you have to bark every time someone knocks at the door?! - Just trying to save lives, ma'am!
dr060308 -- The word's largest donut weighed 5,000 pounds. - Although the Dutch are generally credited with inventing the donut, archaeologists have discovered petrified donuts in the prehistoric ruins in the southwest U.S.! - Dad can certainly expand
dr060308 -- on the donuts! He can and does. Thank goodness for sweatpants!
dr060309 -- beep beep beep - bop! - Quit playing with your cell phone and do your homework! - Now THAT was a text message!
dr060310 -- For dinner we're having salad with no dressing! - Our eating habits are going to change around here, by golly! - No more snacking! No more desserts! We're going to get serious about eating right! - If mom ever asks you if she looks fat in her
dr060310 -- new dress, the correct answer is "no"!
dr060311 -- Do this, do that! Go here, go there! - There's just not enough of me to go around! - - There's not enough of my belt to go around, either!
dr060313 -- - - - Mom lost her voice! It shouldn't be too hard to find, you can hear it all over the neighborhood!
dr060314 -- You have LARYNGITIS, honeybunch?? - So, that means you can't talk?? - - Pinch me.
dr060315 -- Hello, doctor! My wife has Laryngitis. She wants to know what she can do to get her voice back! - Tell her to take Aspirin, use a humidifier, and drink warm liquids. - If she stays hydrated and gargles with saltwater, she should have her
dr060315 -- voice back in no time! - He says there's nothing you can do!
dr060316 -- Hello? ...yes, she's fine. Thank you for asking. She just has a touch of laryngitis! - Yes, I realize the financial impact. I hope layoffs won't be necessary! - Thanks for your concern. - Your cell phone company wishes you a speedy recovery!
dr060317 -- Mom has laryngitis. I know! - Dad thought he'd have a quiet, peaceful day around the house since she couldn't talk. - Then she remembered sticky notes. scribble scribble scribble Honeybunch, you've already lost your voice. Don't get the
dr060317 -- writer's cramp!
dr060318 -- sprinkle sprinkle - twist! - DUMP! - That's more like it! Dad, there's a reason why they're called "Sprinkles".
dr060320 -- sniff! - There are 672 seats in this theater! - You're not exactly into this movie, are you? There were 716 seats in the theater where you made me see that OTHER "chick flick".
dr060321 -- Ralph, quit dozing off! - Watch the movie! I AM watching it! - I'm on the edge of my seat! - A man of my size is ALWAYS on the edge of his seat!
dr060322 -- munch munch munch - Will you please stop all that munching?!! - How am I supposed to eat popcorn without munching?! - munch munch SHHH!! You're just jealous 'cause I've got teeth!
dr060323 -- I'm telling you for the last time: stop that loud munching!! - I've had just about enough of you! Would you care to step outside? - Absolutely! Good! - Now, stay out there until the movie is over!
dr060324 -- Daggnabit! Are you going to step outside with me or not?! - Fine! Let's go, grandpa! Ralph! - Sorry, honeybunch, but a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do! - Thanks again for getting us out of that "chick flick"! We men have to stick
dr060324 -- together! Care for a milk dud?
dr060325 -- May I take your order, please? Two happy meals... - One unhappy meal, one clueless meal... - And one fat guy meal! That'll be $17.46 - Ordering for my family is a lot easier here since they simplified the menu!
dr060327 -- - They gotcha'! Now I know why they have those cameras at intersections!
dr060328 -- Uh-ho...here comes your father back from the self-service ice cream machine. - Pretend that we don't know him! The lever got stuck, OK??!
dr060329 -- Honeybunch, what are you crying about? I have so much to do! - I volunteered to be team mom! I volunteered to help at the library! sniff! - On top of all that, I volunteered to host book club on Thursday! - HONK! Now I know why  they're
dr060329 -- called volun-TEARS!
dr060330 -- *beep* Message 7... - Hi, Ralph! It's No-Neck! I just wanted to invite you to our new year's eve party! - Let's ring in 2004 in style!! - I really need to check this answering machine more often!
dr060331 -- Hi, Leonard! - "DRABBLE ALERT!" - How embarrassing! - That's the new code for "your zipper is open"! I guess it's nice to be known for something!
dr060401 -- Ralph, why on earth did you by yourself a DONUT? - I couldn't help it, honeybunch... - I looked in the window and this one had my name on it! - It should've had your cholesterol level on it!
dr060403 -- - Spain has "The Running Of The Bulls"... - Around here, we have "The Running Of The Wiener Dogs"! ARF ARF arf arf arf ARF arf ARF arf arf
dr060404 -- - Stupid cell phone! - Hello? I think you're due for an upgrade!
dr060405 -- WHIRRRRR! - - WHIRRRRRR! - Are you sure you should be putting sliced cheese in dad's paper shredder? Do you want tacos for lunch or don't you?
dr060406 -- Good ol' Wally! I heard on the radio that dog owners live longer. - claw claw pick pick claw HEY, QUIT WRECKING MY CHAIR! But if you also own a cat, it evens out!
dr060407 -- Do I have to? Yes, Ma'am. - If you don't, I'll have to take you into custody. - I realize you don't like your driver's license photo, but I still need to see it! How about my ATM card? Can I show you that instead?
dr060408 -- Come on, everybody! We're going to be late! Let's go! - We'll be there in two minutes! That's what you said two minutes ago! - Get down here IMMEDIATELY!! OK, just a second! - My immediate family is not so immediate!
dr060410 -- Look out, son! - It's pretty impressive that the donut shop rolls out the red carpet for you! The yogurt shop gives me my own parking space!
dr060411 -- On your mark, get set, GO - whirrrrrr - whirrrrrrrr - My hands are dry first! I KNEW it!
dr060412 -- whirrrrr! - - whirrrrrr! - I enjoy mindless work! You've certainly got the mind for it!
dr060413 -- One Veggie-Burger, please! - You don't like Veggie-Burgers, dad! I know. This drive-thru never gets my order right... - So, if I order what I DON'T want, at least I know I won't get it! - Bingo! A chili-cheeseburger! That'll work!
dr060414 -- Hello, I'm Norman Drabble, and I'm the new host of "Extreme Makeover-Home Edition". - Yes!! Who da' man?!! You just changed a light bulb, Norm. Don't get carried away.
dr060415 -- grrrrrrr - You're cute, Wally! Hey! Never touch me while I'm on the line of duty!
dr060417 -- I'm afraid to look! - NOT ANOTHER EGG! - EGGS FOR BREAKFAST! EGGS FOR LUNCH! EGGS FOR DINNER!! - I'M CRACKING UP!! The week after Halloween is better than the week after Easter!
dr060418 -- Hi, Wendy! How do you like my new sweater? - What an amazing coincidence! - Just last night, I was wondering if it could ever be possible for you to look like more of a dork. - Wow! She THINKS about me!
dr060419 -- you know what I think is interesting? - Somewhere in the world, somebody is sleeping right now. - Since the dawn of civilization, no matter what time of the day or night, somebody somewhere is asleep! - Zzz See?
dr060420 -- I hope you get what you ordered. They always get tit wrong at this drive-thru! - I can't imagine how they'd get it wrong this time. - All I asked for was a salad... - with RANCH!
dr060421 -- What are you doing, dad? Watching for someone to come to our front door. - Every time somebody knocks, Wally barks his head off, and it drives me crazy! - So I've decided to look out the window all day, and if anyone comes to the door, I'll
dr060421 -- open before they knock! - Having a pet sure changes your lifestyle! Having a DUMB pet certainly does! The thanks I get!
dr060422 -- This is so good, it makes me want to sing... - DONUTS ARE A MANY SPLENDORED THING - Sorry. Sometimes I get carried away! The Denver Broncos couldn't carry you away!
dr060424 -- ? - - I need my belt back!
dr060425 -- Hmm...decisions, decisions... - OK, I like this card the best! Fine. I'll sign it. - Happy anniversary, honeybunch! - I know mom was hard to shop for, but jeepers! You can't return a signed card!
dr060426 -- YAWN - - Vampires are lucky. They can't see their reflection! They also get to sleep all day!
dr060427 -- Hi, Mr. Drabble! Would you like to buy some cookies? No, thanks. - I'm dieting. Besides, those cookies are expensive! - Not as expensive as a new wardrobe if you lost too much weight! - She deserves a merit badge!
dr060428 -- Storage Paint Tools Electrical Plumbing ...Sigh... - Gardening I hate these humongous do-it-yourself stores! By the time I find what I'm looking for, I forgot what it was!
dr060429 -- zzZzz - ? - zzZzz
dr060501 -- Yes! Another month is over! Only 7 more months to go! - Thank goodness this year is going by fast! - Most people your age don't WANT time to go by so fast! - Most people my age don't have a Clay Aiken calendar in the living room! You better
dr060501 -- not be making fun of my clay!
dr060502 -- I'm boring. - I should do something to change my appearance! - You could try combing your hair differently! Now, there's a suggestion! - How about like this: hopping on one foot?!
dr060503 -- Norman, if you want to look less boring... - All you have to do is mess up your hair a little bit. - Like this. - Eww! Sorry. I guess I didn't rinse out all the shampoo!
dr060504 -- See, Norman? All you had to do was mess up your hair, and now you don't look so boring! - ...quite so excruciatingly boring, anyway! Thanks for that ringing endorsement, Wendy!
dr060505 -- DONUTS - DUM DA DUNT DUNT - You've heard of caller i.d.? Dad's cell phone has RING TONE i.d.! - When mom calls, it plays the theme from "Dragnet". Donuts?? No, I'm not eating donuts!
dr060506 -- One cheeseburger, a medium fry, and a large root beer! That'll be $5.75 at the first window, please. - Those high gas prices are starting to show their effects. -
dr060508 -- Welcome to the stadium! - That'll be $12 for parking! TWELVE DOLLARS?!! - How come you took up two spaced, dad? - For $12, I should've taken THREE!
dr060509 -- Boy, it's great to be back in the old ball park! $4.50 for a bottle of water?? - The sights, the sounds... $4.50 for a bottle of water?? - The crack of the bat, the roar of the crowd... $4.50 for a bottle of water?? - Some things never
dr060509 -- change! $4.50 for a bottle of water???
dr060510 -- Excuse me. Thank you. Thank you. Coming through... - Dad really should by seats on the aisle. Make this your last bathroom trip, OK?! Hey. I think somebody stole my wallet?!
dr060511 -- They've rolled out the tarp...the players and umpires have all gone inside... - And all we can do is sit here and wait! Wring out your foam finger somewhere else! You're getting me all wet!
dr060512 -- Bye, Wendy! Bye, Norman. - Have a nice... - I mean, have a fairly OK, not too terribly embarrassing day! - Just trying to be realistic!
dr060513 -- Hi, dad... - Did you get all your mother's day shopping done? - SSPPFFF - I'll take that as a "not quite."
dr060515 -- - I've decided to seek enlightenment! - -
dr060516 -- Hi, Wendy! I wondered if you'd like to go out with me on Friday night? - No? Well, how about SATURDAY night? - ...OK, then how about Monday night? ...Tuesday night? ...Wednesday night? - Thursday afternoon? Time to roll out the tarp, son!
dr060517 -- Nice kitty! - ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! - arf! arf! arf! arf! arf! arf! - NOW you like me!
dr060518 -- Look at what I discovered, dad... Zzz - All you have to do is say the word... - "kitty" - And Wally goes nuts! Thank you, son. ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF!
dr060518 -- ARF! ARF! ARF!
dr060519 -- Rats! This card says I have to pay $100 in taxes! - Add it to the kitty! - ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! Oh, shut up!
dr060520 -- sniff sniff . HONK! - Everybody relax! I was just blowing my nose!
dr060522 -- Care for a mint, Norman? No, thanks. - - Care for a mint, Norman? Uhh...sure! - Sometimes when people offer you a mint, they're not just being nice! Have two!
dr060523 -- Mrs. Drabble, on behalf of Bingham's Supermarket, congratulations on this notable achievement! clap clap clap clap clap Thank you! - Isn't it exciting, Ralph? I set a record! - The most money ever spent in an express line! With COUPONS,
dr060523 -- even!
dr060524 -- Hey, why are they playing THAT song on the OLDIES station?? - That song isn't an oldie! It came out when I was in high school! - It's practically new! - Why would they play it on the OLDIES station?? Even *I* know when to keep my mouth shut!
dr060525 -- ...Sigh... - Whatever happened to that young, handsome man who used to see himself in this mirror? - Beats me. - I lost track of him after he sold us the house!
dr060526 -- flip flip flip flip - Hey! It's "The Andy Griffith Show"! I haven't seen this in years! - - Is it my imagination or did aunt Bea used to look a lot older?
dr060527 -- - - - What are you doing? Trying to see what I'll look like when I'm 70!
dr060529 -- OK, thanks for calling! - The results are in and I got a clean bill of health! That's great! - I didn't know you went in for a checkup! I didn't. My friend No-Neck got one! - He takes even worse care of himself than I do. If he's OK, then *I*
dr060529 -- must be terrific!
dr060530 -- ...sigh...every night, he falls asleep watching TV! Z - Why does he DO that? Why doesn't he go to BED and fall asleep?! - IT drives me crazy!! - RALPH! WAKE UP AND GO TO SLEEP!!
dr060531 -- Ralph, why on earth do you like to fall asleep in front of the TV every night?? - It's a "guy" thing, honeybunch! - Falling asleep in front of the TV is one of those things that all men enjoy and women don't fully appreciate. - That, and
dr060531 -- Larry the cable guy!
dr060601 -- Honeybunch, drifting off to sleep while sitting in front of the TV is one of the great joys in life! - It also makes me smarter! - After I fall asleep, my subconscious mind absorbs and remembers everything on TV! - At least, I ASSUME that's
dr060601 -- why I know the price of every used car in town!
dr060602 -- Ralph, it's ridiculous that you fall asleep watching old war movies every night! - Fall asleep in your bed, where it's peaceful and quiet! - I cant's believe I have to wake you up to tell you to go to bed! Maybe you have some sort of medical
dr060602 -- condition. You ought to go see a doctor. Are you wearing a nasal strip? If you start snoring tonight you'll wake me up and I won't be able to get back to sleep! Then I'll be crabby all day tomorrow. I sure hope the neighbor's dog won't start
dr060602 -- barking at three like it did last night. I don't know why they don't take it inside at night! ...trash cans... The war movie was quieter!
dr060603 -- - CLICK! - Sweet! A full tank of gas and it only cost me $20! - Gas prices don't seem so traumatic when you fill it up every fifty miles!
dr060605 -- So, what restaurant do you want to go to, honeybunch? I've narrowed it down to Aldo's or Chauncy's. you decide! - No, YOU decide! I insist you pick! I'll be happy at either one! - Well, OK. Then let's go to...Chauncy's! Fine! - Let's just hope
dr060605 -- their service has improved!
dr060606 -- Isn't it nice that we could go out for a pleasant evening together, Ralph? - No worries, no stress... - IF THAT KID BEHIND ME DOESN'T STOP KICKING MY SEAT, THERE ARE GOING TO BE SOME SERIOUS CONSEQUENCES! - Think that got their attention? I
dr060606 -- think it got EVERYONE'S attention!
dr060607 -- Excuse me! We're still waiting for our bread! - I'll tell your waitress. - Don't bother telling her! Just bring us our bread!! - I would, but I don't work here! Isn't anyone in this restaurant willing to take some responsibility?
dr060608 -- How is everything? - The soup was cold, the chicken is overcooked, there are spots on my silverware, it's freezing in here, and I need a refill! - How's everything with you? Great! - Did I say "great"?? I meant to say "totally unacceptable"!
dr060609 -- Hello. I'm Valerie. I'll be your new waitress. - What happened to our other waitress? - She quit. - Was I really being that difficult? Not until you complained about the flavor of the salt.
dr060610 -- I'm sorry if I ruined dinner, Ralph. - I made you pick the restaurant, and then I complained about everything! That's OK, honeybunch! - Let's go see a movie and forget about it! OK! - You pick which one! NO!
dr060612 -- We went to the movies! - What did you see? A horror movie! - Are you going to have nightmares tonight? Your father will. - Snack Bar Prices Popcorn,,,$6.00 Candy...$4.75 Soda...$5.50
dr060613 -- Welcome home, dad! - How was your day on the golf course? - Never mind! When he comes back with no clubs left in his bag, it wasn't a good day!
dr060614 -- I'm not sure I want to work at Galtburger after all! - Their job application is insane! - Look, they want you to write your LAST name FIRST, your FIRST name in the middle, and your MIDDLE name LAST! - Maybe they just want to see how well I
dr060614 -- follow complicated instructions!
dr060615 -- This job application sure asks a lot of questions! - "Wage desired"? - Hmmm... - I'll put "yes."
dr060616 -- Hello? ...yes, this is Norman Drabble! - Galtburger calling? ...you want to give me a job?? REALLY??? - Are you sure?? You want ME to WORK for you?? Aren't you afraid I'll make a complete MESS of everything?? - I knew that was too good to be
dr060616 -- true! Way to blow your own horn, son!
dr060617 -- Dad, watch! I've been trying for years, and I can finally do it! - I can rub my head and pat my stomach! Wow, that's great, Norm! - Except you're supposed to rub your STOMACH and pat your HEAD! - Eight years of practice down the drain! Sorry
dr060617 -- to be the one to break the news!
dr060619 -- Dad, I know you asked me to find a summer job... - But I think I'd rather just hang around and play video games! Son, I'm not asking you to go to work... - I'M FORCING YOU TO GO TO WORK!! - Now I know why they call it the "Work Force".
dr060620 -- Welcome to YIPEE YOGURT! I'm new here, and you're my first customer! - How nice! I'd like a small chocolate, please! - One small chocolate, coming up! - Did I mention that I'm new here?
dr060621 -- I'll have a medium vanilla and chocolate and swirl it, please! - "Swirl" it? -  -How's that?
dr060622 -- I'll have a large strawberry yogurt, please! - Large? Uh...OK... - - We're out of large cups!
dr060623 -- I want a medium-sized yogurt, prepared to my exact specifications. - Strawberry on the bottom, then vanilla and chocolate side by side, then peanut butter on top of that... - Then a little bit of peach, a dash of blueberry, and a dollop of
dr060623 -- mint! Now, for the toppings... - Why aren't you still at work? I panicked and ran home!
dr060624 -- ...and here's your change! - - - If that tip jar were a snake, it would have bit you!
dr060626 -- Ralph, I'd like to congratulate you on the improvements you've made to your home! - It's never looked better! - That's a fumigation tent! Like I said...
dr060627 -- A TIP JAR??? Why should I give you a tip?? - Did you do anything beyond what you're paid to do?? - Now you want even MORE money?? You should be ashamed! - "Tips" spelled backward is "spit."
dr060628 -- Don't act like such a doofus. - RIP! - FOLD FOLD - Thank you! No problem!
dr060629 -- How would you like me to cook your burger, Norm? Well done! - Well done?? I thought you liked your burgers rare! I do. - "Well done" is as close to as "rare" as dad gets! Honeybunch, how would you like your burger...well done, charred, or
dr060629 -- incinerated?
dr060630 -- Dinner's ready! - Hamburgers and hot dogs grilled beyond perfection! - They're beyond perfection, all right! Which are which? Wow! Beyond perfection and beyond recognition!
dr060701 -- Dum-diddle-um diddle-iddle-iddle-um - BONANZA - Dum.diddle-um, diddle-iddle-iddle-um, dum-diddle-um-dum-dum! - You know, dad, you're allowed to have more than one song on your iPod! It's the only one I need!
dr060703 -- Ralph, what's wrong?? I threw out my back! - DARN! That means you'll stay home from work today, and I won't get anything done around the house!! - My day is RUINED!! - You better get well soon, buster!! Florence Nightingale, she's not!
dr060704 -- There's nothing worse than missing work because of a bad back! - Will you kids knock it off?!! Don't make me come in there!! - I have housework to do! - As I was saying...
dr060705 -- - - SPLOOSH! People with bad backs shouldn't stand near pools!
dr060706 -- - Patrick! Don't make faces at your father! - I'm not! I'm just looking at my reflection in his bald spot! Sweet! That's it. Time to see a doctor.
dr060707 -- Dad, I think we need to get you to the doctor. - How on earth am I going to get to the doctor?? I can't even get in the car!! No problem... - Mr. Steinbauer loaned us his pick-up truck!
dr060708 -- Where's dad? Norman drove him to the doctor. - He threw out his back and couldn't stand up straight! - The only way to drive him was to lay him down gently in the back of a pick-up truck! - Sorry, I took that speed bump a little fast!
dr060710 -- Medical Care I need to see the doctor. I threw out my back! Take a seat, Mr. Drabble! - Take a seat== How am I supposed to do that?! - Don't worry, dad! I'll help you... - voila!
dr060711 -- Hello, Doc. No need to bow, Mr. Drabble! - I may be a doctor, but I'm still a human being just like you! - Well, hopefully not JUST like you! Hee hee hee ha ha! - Hardee har har. Patient displays irritability.
dr060712 -- Medical Care Can you help me, doc? I threw out my back and I can't straighten up! - Can't straighten up, eh? Let me ask you this... - Can you reach all the way back and remove the wallet from your back pocket? - Yes. I think we can help you!
dr060713 -- I hope the doctor can help daddy's bad back! Don't worry, Penny... - Modern medicine is amazing! Doctors have all sorts of technological advances at their fingertips! - Get the donut, Mr. Drabble! Almost there! Reach! Aarrrggh
dr060714 -- There's a long drive. It's going... It's going... - It's GONE!! HOME RUN!! WE WIN!! WE WIN!!! - Imagine how that poor pitcher feels. That's so sad. - And how in the world will they get out those grass stains? Let's never take her to a hockey
dr060714 -- game.
dr060715 -- Wow! I just thought of a great idea for a song! - I better write it down before I forget! - La da dee da da dum dum deedle dee - Too bad I can't write music!
dr060717 -- Here you go, ma'am! One small chocolate! I asked for DUTCH chocolate! - Oh, sorry! I'll start over! - It's a shame you have to throw away the rejects. - Trust me, nothing goes to waste!
dr060718 -- Dad, I'm a high school graduate... click click click click - I have a driver's license, I'm a registered voter... - I'm legally considered an adult. click click click click - When will you let me use the TV clickers?! Control of the clickers
dr060718 -- is an honor reserved for the head of the household!
dr060719 -- Mom, dad never lets me use the TV clicker! click click click click - He says it's an honor reserved for the head of the household! - He's right, Norman... - So, let's see what else is on! click click click HEY!
dr060720 -- click click click click - - My clicker feel suspiciously warm! Busted!
dr060721 -- - Whoa! Here comes the big one!! - - Out-of-shape guys like me should never put vibrating cell phones in our shirt pockets!
dr060722 -- Hold still... - For crying out loud! How much more sunscreen do I need?? - Be patient, Ralph! I'm Norman!
dr060724 -- Why don't you like Mr. Steinbauer, Dad? - It goes way back... - In fact it goes back so far, I forget why I don't like him. - BUT I KNOW I DON'T! Dad's halfway to being able to forgive and forget!
dr060725 -- Hey, Ralph! What is it, Steinbauer? - I'm having a backyard pool party tonight! Everyone in the neighborhood is invited! - Well, everyone except you. I had to draw the line somewhere! - I suddenly remember why I don't like him! By the way,
dr060725 -- can I borrow some oil for my tiki torches?
dr060726 -- How DARE Steinbauer throw a pool party and not invite me! - Well, I intend to get even! Now, Ralph, you must act like an adult! - Trust me. I will handle this in a mature fashion! - I'm going to T.P. his house!
dr060727 -- The last light has gone out in the Steinbauer home! Time to T.P.! - Box, this takes me back! - I can barely remember the last time I T.P'd a house! - I couldn't have been more than 37 or 38!
dr060728 -- Steinbauer's house never looked better! - Whoa, I'm exhausted! - I should make a mental note for next time... - To T.P. a 2,000-square foot house, four dozen rolls is plenty!
dr060729 -- I'll fling one more roll at Steinbauer's house, and call it a night! - Ahem... - - You know you've got a tough cop when he's wearing sunglasses at two A.M.!
dr060731 -- Why, good evening, officer! You're probably wondering why I'm flinging bathroom tissue at that house! - You see, the man who lives there hosted a pool party earlier tonight... - And I'm the only one in the neighborhood who wasn't invited! -
dr060731 -- Gosh, it's hard to believe someone wouldn't invite a guy like you to a party! My thoughts exactly!!
dr060801 -- Officer, I look it looks bad for a grown man to be toilet-papering a house... - But the man who lives there, Mr. Steinbauer, is a very difficult person! - You're "teepee-ing" STEINBAUER'S house??? - Why didn't you just SAY so?! I take it
dr060801 -- you're familiar with him!
dr060802 -- The sun up! I can't wait to see Steinbauer's house! - It must be foggy outside! I can't see a thing!  - Oh no... - I TEEPEED MY OWN HOUSE!!
dr060803 -- You teepeed your own house?? Why in the world did you do THAT, dad?? - It was dark! It was late! I was half asleep!! - Gosh, this is something I would do! Now THAT hurts!
dr060804 -- Someone teepeed your house, eh, Drabble? Who would do such a thing?? - Ah, there's a clue: This paper is a single-ply, generic brand! - Whoever did this is obviously a cheapskate! - I'd say you teepeed your own home, but even YOU aren't THAT
dr060804 -- stupid!
dr060805 -- I can't believe your father teepeed our own house last night! - That's the stupidest thing he's ever done! - Although re-rolling the paper is a close second! "Waste not, want not" I always say!
dr060807 -- It's not fair! - I've been eating right! I've been exercising! How come I'm still fat?! - This new diet isn't working!! - You've only been on it for 45 minutes! I'll give it another half hour, and then I'm ordering a pizza!
dr060808 -- Something wrong, dad? My birthday is in a few days and I'm dreading it! - There's nothing to dread about having a birthday! - You should know that! - You've had a million of 'em!
dr060809 -- Ralph, the credit card bills will be arriving any day... - Now, remember, you've got a birthday coming up, and I may have bought you a gift or two! - So, when the bills arrive, don't look at them... - Just pay them!
dr060810 -- Good morning, dad. On behalf of the entire family, I'd like to wish you a pleasant birthday. - That was pretty unenthusiastic! At your age, the less excitement, the better. Here's a balloon. We didn't blow it up 'cause it might pop!
dr060811 -- Bring in dad's birthday cake, Patrick! - You baked me a cake?? Well, not exactly... - We made a cake out of donuts! One for each year of your life! - Wow! We emptied out three donut shops!
dr060812 -- Oh, boy! Another can of Slim-Fast! - That makes three! One from Norman, one from Patrick, and one from Penny! - Great minds think alike, huh, dad? - I guess it's better than last year when they all gave me nose hair trimmers!
dr060814 -- I saved your best birthday gift for last, Ralph! - Tickets for you and me to see Barry Manilow in Las Vegas!! - - I'm so excited! I'll go pack! Is this MY birthday or YOURS??
dr060815 -- So, here we are, driving for hours through the blistering desert. - Because, for MY birthday, you gave me tickets to see YOUR favorite singer perform in Las Vegas. - This is payback for your Valentine's gift, isn't it, honeybunch? Nonsense!
dr060815 -- What woman wouldn't love to receive a variable speed jigsaw?!
dr060816 -- I'm so excited to be driving to Las Vegas to see Barry Manilow! - The first time we saw him in concert was on our first date, 25 years ago! You proposed to me after he sang "Mandy"! - We've seen Barry Manilow in concert before?? - GIVE ME A
dr060816 -- BREAK! MY MEMORY ISN'T WHAT IT USED TO BE!!
dr060817 -- You can get back in the car, Ralph. - Just because you couldn't remember our first date when we saw Barry Manilow and you proposed to me, I shouldn't have driven off and left you in the desert. - So I decided to pull over because I forgive
dr060817 -- you! - And also because we're out of gas! rrrrrr...
dr060818 -- Here's your light stick, Ralph! What's that for? - The concert! When Barry sings "Copacabana", everyone in the audience stands up, waves their light stick, and dances! - Have a good time, honeybunch! Ralph, get back in the car!!
dr060819 -- Our hotel room is pretty nice! - Look! We have a view of a hotel that has a view of the Las Vegas strip! - rrummble rrummble clankity clank clank clank clank clank! - And, apparently, we're very close to the ice machines! That's convenient. I
dr060819 -- can go get ice in my underwear.
dr060821 -- Honeybunch, before we go see the Barry Manilow concert, I'm going to visit the casinos. - It's probably best if you stay here in the room. - I'll be doing some serious high-stakes wagering, and it's not for the faint of heart! I understand! -
dr060821 -- You forgot your roll of nickels! Oh yeah...thank you!
dr060822 -- You're not going to wear that out in public, are you? Why not? - It's immodest! - Just because we're in Las Vegas, doesn't mean you should dress like a showgirl! - I think my strapless apron looks nice!
dr060823 -- Slots - - ...sigh... - The ice machine is as close as I ever come to hitting a jackpot in Vegas! clankity clank clank clank clank clank
dr060824 -- Manilow Concert I'll make a bet with you that my seat is directly behind that big guy's. - You win! If only I was this good at the blackjack table!
dr060825 -- At the Copa... - Copacabana.. - - Please tell me you didn't just throw your apron at Barry's feet! sorry. I got carried away!
dr060826 -- Hi, Norman! I'm just calling to tell you we're leaving Las Vegas and we're on our way home! - Yes, the concert was great! - I think your father even liked it!
dr060828 -- Hey, honeybunch! How about something to drink?! - - I meant in a glass!
dr060829 -- - I've decided to join the circus! - CRASH * bounce bounce * OW! * Jerque du Soleil!
dr060830 -- Only one more week until school starts again! Aww! I know! I's going to be lonely around here! - I'm going to miss you! What will I do all day long?! - Meryl Streep, eat your heart out!
dr060831 -- Here's a good one... - "What kind of dog tells time?" "A WATCH dog!" - HAR HAR HAR HAR! - I'll tell that one Tuesday morning! Can't YOU drive my school carpool this year, mom?
dr060901 -- When Norman was born, I knew it was going to be fun watching him grow up. - I just never knew it was going to take so long! bang bang bong!
dr060902 -- Wally, SIT! - skattle skattle skattle - - I see dad's been training the dog!
dr060904 -- Hello, this is Ralph Drabble! May I speak to Jerry, please? - Every year, I call the telethon and ask to speak to Jerry, but they never... - Hello? Ahhhhh...waaaaaa...haaaaa... - Well, nice to talk to you! I've got to go, now. Wayne Newton is
dr060904 -- almost done with his song! 'bye! You forgot to mention how much we liked "Cinderella"!
dr060905 -- Here's another good one: "What is Dracula's favorite place in New York?" - "The Vamipre State Building!" - "What is a mummy's favorite kind of music?" "Wrap!" - Boy, I could read these all night! SUPERMAN, WHERE ARE YOU?!
dr060906 -- You kids are sitting awfully close to the TV! - When I was a kid, mom told me not to sto too close to the TV because the rays would make my hair fall out! - You should have listened!
dr060907 -- - SNIFFFFF! - AAAAKK! cough cough cough! HACK! COUGH COUGH!! - Whoever said "stop and smell the dandelions" was out of his mind! I think they said "roses".
dr060908 -- Oowww! I told you if you ate your ice cream too fast, you'd get a headache! - I'm the voice of experience! Why don't you kids ever listen to me?? - We parents may not be as smart as we think we are... - But we're not as dumb as our KIDS think
dr060908 -- we are!
dr060909 -- - Here's your pen back, dad! - - Before you try to put a ballpoint pen in someone's pocket, make sure the point is retracted!
dr060911 -- Sorry, Bob. Summer is over! - Time to empty the wading pool! - This is why I migrate every year!
dr060912 -- - - It looks to me like Victoria doesn't HAVE many secrets!
dr060913 -- - kick! - - kick! kick! kick! - - IT'S FALL!
dr060914 -- Wendy, would you like to go out for dinner with me tonight? - Norman, whenever you ask me out, I have a conflict between my head and my heart! - My head says, "no way!" - But my heart says, "absolutely not a chance in heck!" Does your stomach
dr060914 -- have an opinion?
dr060915 -- MALL Excuse me, officer... - Where is a store called "Things Remembered"? - I forget. - I've been waiting ten years for somebody to ask me that!
dr060916 -- - Hello, Bob! - Quack, eh? - He's been hanging out with these Canadian geese, again!
dr060918 -- Here's our room! My friends Leonard and Stu talked me into taking a drawing class! - Gee, I wonder if I'll discover that I have a hidden talent? Probably! If you have any talent, Norman, it's hidden!
dr060919 -- Leonard, Stu...I don't know why I let you guys talk me into taking a DRAWING class! - I'm already pretty good at drawing! - You couldn't draw a bath! - SLAP! Nerds always like to high-five each other after witty remarks!
dr060920 -- Leonard, tell me again why we all signed-up for a drawing class! - To expand our horizons, acquire an appreciation for the arts, and develop skills we never knew we had! - - ...that, and the nude models. WHAT??
dr060921 -- Did you say something about NUDE MODELS?? - Yeah, the teacher said we were going to be sketching a model in the nude. - That means the model won't have any clothes on. OH, WHAT A RELIEF!! - I thought he meant WE wouldn't have any clothes on!
dr060922 -- We have to draw a NUDE MODEL??! I don't think I could DO that!! I'd be too uncomfortable! - I can't do it! I can't do it!! Norman, pull yourself together! - Yeah, this is ART! We must conduct ourselves with dignity and maturity! - In fact, to
dr060922 -- show how mature we are, let's move to the front row! NO!
dr060923 -- Uhhh...Norman? You're right, Stu! We have to be mature about this! - Norman? We shouldn't act like nerds! - We have to...what is it, Leonard? I think our model has arrived... - And look who it is!
dr060925 -- Sorry I'm late, professor! Class, I'd like you to meet... - HALT THE PROCEEDINGS!! - Wendy, I beg you not to do this! - Why not? It's art, isn't it? I want every man in here to close his eyes! Especially Leonard and Stu!!
dr060926 -- Wendy, I appreciate your dedication to the arts, but I beg you not to remove your clothes! - I'd be too uncomfortable! - Mr, Drabble, Wendy isn't here to model! She's a student in the class, just like you! - Please don't say I'm just like
dr060926 -- him! Sorry. Uh-oh...my contact lenses have already fogged-up!
dr060927 -- I'm not here to be a nude model!! I'm here to take the class!! - We don't HAVE nude models in this class, Mr. Drabble! - Where on earth did you get an idea like that?? Well, I, uhh... - *
dr060928 -- Mr. Drabble, don't worry! We do not draw nude models in this class! - The only thing we're going to draw today is this bowl of fruit! - Hey, where is it??! -
dr060929 -- Why did you guys tell me there would be nude models in our drawing class?! - I nearly made a complete fool of myself! - That's not true at all, Norman! - You DID make a complete fool of yourself! Yeah, what do you mean, "nearly"?
dr060930 -- Z - It's that time of year, again. Z - The lazy days of summer have turned into the lazy days of fall! Z
dr061002 -- Dad has a tan line! He needs to wear smaller socks! - And a larger shirt!
dr061003 -- Maybe I should by a laptop. - I'm not sure a laptop is for you, dad. - Why not? - For one thing, you'd need a lap!
dr061004 -- I'm considering putting my personal profile on this teen web site! - Aren't you concerned that someone might try to steal your identity? - MY identity?? - Good point. You mean there's a bigger loser than ME out there??
dr061005 -- Norm, I really don't think you should put your personal profile on that teen web site! - You might regret it! Some kids end up looking pretty foolish! - What if a prospective employer saw it? - Shouldn't be a problem! Oh, yeah...you'd have to
dr061005 -- apply for a job first!
dr061006 -- What are you doing? If you hold up your putter like this, it helps you line up your putt! - Never works for me!
dr061007 -- How was your golf game, Ralph? I broke 100! - Unfortunately, he broke it at the 15th hole!
dr061009 -- Well, I think I'll sit outside and enjoy the colors of autumn! - munch munch munch! Dad's idea of enjoying the colors of autumn is scarfing a bag of Reese's Pieces!
dr061010 -- Have a good soccer game, Patrick! Here, Ralph! - It*'s a referee shirt and whistle. Good luck! I have to REV?! Why ME???! - Youth soccer is strictly volunteer! Every parent has to take turns! - It's your day! Something tells me today is NOT
dr061010 -- going to be my day!
dr061011 -- TWEET! - OFFSIDES! - First down! Jump ball! Two-to-make-one! - You don't know anything about soccer, do you, ref! Uh-oh...they're on to me!
dr061012 -- TWEET! Aw, come on, ref! - That's the worst call I've ever seen! You're terrible! - KICK! - I'd have given you a yellow card, I couldn't find one!
dr061013 -- Great game, Varmints! Come get your snacks! - Hey, where did all the snacks go??! I got hungry at halftime.
dr061014 -- Gosh, I love living here! - Aren't you going to sweep up your crumbs, dad? I figure that's what ants are for!
dr061016 -- I know what your problem is, Norman... - You're in denial! - No, I'm not! - See?
dr061017 -- They're passing a law making it illegal to drive while talking on a cell phone. - Well, it's about time! - It's hard enough to drive while shaving and eating breakfast!
dr061018 -- Farmer Fred's Pumpkin Patch! My favorite October tradition! - Not mine! I have bad memories of this place! - I know, Ralph, but you need to let that go! Easy for you to say! - Farmer Fred never accused YOU of trying to steal a pumpkin under
dr061018 -- your shirt! Easy mistake.
dr061019 -- We've come to Farmer Fred's Pumpkin Patch every October since I was a little kid! - I'll never forget the time years ago, when dad hid behind the scarecrow and yelled "boo!" - I was so scared, I began hyperventilating, and mom made me
dr061019 -- breathe into a paper sack! - Actually, Norm, that was LAST year. I had nightmares until labor day!
dr061020 -- That'll be $12.50! - $12.50?!! How can you charge that much for a pumpkin??! - It's really big! Fine! - And just so you won't ask me again this year-no, I do not have a pumpkin under my shirt. See?!! - Good, 'cause that would've cost a
dr061020 -- fortune!
dr061021 -- Several bags of Halloween candy... - And a few scary old black and white monster movies! - The Ralph Drabble version of Octoberfest!
dr061022 -- rake rake rake - rake rake rake rake - Whew! - I hate this time of year! - It's too much work! - I can never keep up with all of dad's candy wrappers! Ralph, please save some for the trick-or-treaters!
dr061023 -- Good morning Wendy! Norman! - I was just wondering what happened to you! - Why? Am I late? - No, I was just wondering what happened to you!
dr061024 -- Do you have any plans for after school, Norman? Absolutely! - First, I'll ask Wendy for a date. When she says no, I'll probably sit around and play video games for the rest of the day! - Well, have a good time! I intend to! - I may have no
dr061024 -- life, but it's the only life I don't have!
dr061025 -- KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK! - Good morning! We're from the church of... - Aw, forget it! - Nobody wants me!
dr061026 -- Dad, this movie isn't scary! Not scary??! It's The Wolfman!! He scared me to DEATH when I was a kid! - When the moon is full, he gets all hairy and starts to howl!! How can you not be scared of something like that?? - It's 2006! We have cable
dr061026 -- TV and the Internet! - Kids see scarier things every day! Now, THAT'S scary!
dr061027 -- I can't believe you kids don't think these old monster movies are scary! - When I was a kid, I'd sit in front of the TV, petrified with fear! - I was so scared, I'd even forget to eat my popcorn! - Something tells me you eventually
dr061027 -- remembered. Yeah, I was usually able to compose myself during the commercials!
dr061028 -- Let's go smash the Drabbles' pumpkin! OK! - - On second thought, maybe we shouldn't! - Another prank thwarted by my GLARE-o-lantern!
dr061029 -- Nice job of decorating the front porch for Halloween, Ralph, but please put the picture of my mother back on our nightstand! Yeah, I guess we don't want to TERRIFY the little kids!
dr061030 -- - Trick or treat! - Thank you! Halloween is a lot easier since I installed a drive-thru!
dr061031 -- KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK - Trick or treat! - Thank you! - Now THAT'S a costume!
dr061101 -- - It's sad when Halloween is over! - Apparently, not for everyone! fa la la la la la la la la!
dr061102 -- - There you go! Good as new! Uhh...thanks, dad. - ...and YOU wanted to run out and buy a new one! He re-tied a broken rubber band?? Keep in mind your father throws nickels around like they're manhole covers!
dr061103 -- It's nice when a man can take a walk with his entire family! - It's an opportunity to spend time together communicating! - Although, it would be nicer if we communicated with each other! yakkity yak yak yak yak yakkity yak yak
dr061104 -- Wrappers! Wrappers! - Nothing left but wrappers! Everything is gone! - YES!! - Four days after Halloween, the candy corn finally starts to look good!
dr061105 -- - - - - - Return Carts Here CLANK! YES! My turn! They can turn anything into a competition!
dr061106 -- Hello. You've reached the Drabble residence. Please leave a... - Wait a minute...there's usually SOMEBODY home! I wonder why none of us is answering? - Maybe something BAD happened! - WHOEVER IS LISTENING TO THIS MESSAGE, PLEASE CALL THE
dr061106 -- POLICE!! 'kay, bye! Maybe someone else should record our answering machine greeting!
dr061107 -- ...yawn... - What's everybody staring at? - There are crop circles in the hair on your back! Don't worry. It's probably a hoax! That's it. I'm going back to bed!
dr061108 -- Remember, Norm, I want the leaves raked and the car washed! - Don't worry, dad. I'm on it! The only thing he's ever on is the couch!
dr061109 -- Hello, news radio? This is traffic tipster Drabble! I'm calling to report a DRABBALERT! - A "Drabbalert"?? I know a "Sigalert" is a major traffic jam on a highway, but what's a "Drabbalert"? - A major traffic jam at a fast food drive-thru!
dr061109 -- BURGER
dr061110 -- Hello, newsradio? Traffic tipster Drabble here, with an update on the "Drabbalert"... - The location of the "Drabbalert" is the Galtburger drive-thru! Traffic is at standstill! - It all started when someone in a red pickup couldn't decide
dr061110 -- what to order, and is now trying to use an expired coupon! - And if that wasn't bad enough, my son has to go to the bathroom!
dr061111 -- Hi, Wendy! Hi, Norman. - - - 'kay, bye! Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
dr061112 -- - - - - - - - - Frozen Yougurt I want to sample every flavor! Me to! Me too! Me too! Oh dear! I can't decide! I ALMOST beat 'em in line! At least you got some exercise!
dr061113 -- boodle oodle oop! - boodle oodle oop! ...Sigh... - What the heck do YOU want?! I didn't know our phone had "caller i.d."! It doesn't!
dr061114 -- Oh, relax, Wally! - It's coming! - Why is Wally so excited? Is it dinnertime? No... - It's "new roll of paper towels" time!
dr061115 -- - - How insulting! I wasn't going to steal your paper towel roll! - I happen to have my own one to play with!
dr061116 -- Beats me. I really don't know what to tell you. - I have no idea how to solve your problems! - 'kay, bye! - I hate it when I stump the radio psychologist!
dr061117 -- All Mart Which aisle shall we start in, Ralph? - Oh, wait a minute... - There! - I don't want to be interrupted! I know I'm in for an expensive shopping trip when she turns off her cell phone!
dr061118 -- Ooooh! I have a bellyache! - I don't know if it was the chips, the pizza, the candy, or the ice cream! - Oohh, somebody...put me out of my misery! - Why is it called "comfort" food when it makes you so uncomfortable?
dr061119 -- Thanks for striping our soccer field, Mr. Drabble! - By the way, did that bee sting you? No, I managed to avoid him!
dr061120 -- Knock Knock Knock! - Trick or treat! - Halloween was three weeks ago! - But good job in the Howie Mandel costume! I just thought of it, and I didn't want to wait eleven hours!
dr061121 -- Wendy, would you be interested in... - Nope. Not a chance. Forget it. - Ain't gonna happen. No way. Never. Not even a remote possibility. Absolutely not. - I'm beginning to lose confidence!
dr061122 -- Do you, Ralph, promise to love, honor, and cherish this woman, and to never go play golf on your anniversary, even if it falls on your day off? I do! - THAT'S NOT WHAT WE SAID! He also said you must always put the cap back on the toothpaste!
dr061123 -- I think it's nice that you kids wanted to have your own thanksgiving parade... - - But why do I have to be the big gas-filled balloon? I can think of several reasons!
dr061124 -- sniff sniff - sniff sniff sniff - sniff sniff - No kitchen garbage pail is safe from a wiener dog!
dr061125 -- Hello, honeybunch! I was calling to see what's for dinner! - I have another call coming in, Ralph! I'll have to call you back later! - Another call?? So, basically, you're saying you'd rather talk to anyone besides your own husband, right?! -
dr061125 -- Hello? I think you nailed it!
dr061126 -- Z - I don't know what Wally enjoys more-eating or sleeping! - Well, let's find out! - WALLY! DINNER TIME! - skattle skattle skattle - It's a tie!
dr061127 -- RING! Who could be calling at three in the morning?? - Hello! This is a friendly reminder from Lackluster Video! Our records show that you have not returned one of our movies. - As a courtesy, we will repeat this friendly reminder every day
dr061127 -- at this time until we get it back. Good bye! - I think I liked it better when they just charged late fees!
dr061128 -- Z - BARK! - - It's true: no two cat hairs are the same!
dr061129 -- Dang! The Christmas lights are all tangled! - Who put these lights away last year?? You did, Ralph. - I did?? - Somebody must have broken into the box over the summer and messed 'em all up! What's the world coming to?
dr061130 -- It's no use. We'll never be able to untangle these lights! - Norm, is that a bug crawling on you? - WHERE? GET IT OFF!! AAAAAHHH" - Good job!
dr061201 -- Daddy, wake up! Let's go! Huh...what...? - You said we had to wait until December to go buy our Christmas tree! Well, it's December! - I just hope the tree lot isn't picked-over by now! - It's been December for almost twenty minutes!
dr061202 -- - - comb comb primp hike tuck - Better.
dr061203 -- Attention mall shoppers... - This is officer Drabble, speaking to you from center court! - The holiday season is in full swing, which means mall cops everywhere are busy issuing HOLIDAY SPIRIT VIOLATIONS! - Anyone observed behaving in a
dr061203 -- scrooge-like manner is subject to citation! - The only way to remove this violation from your record is to perform community service! - No one is above the law! Anyone is subject to punishment, an I mean ANYONE! - Right, honeybunch? You're
dr061203 -- gonna have a silent night, all right! FREE GIFT WRAPPING
dr061204 -- Well, I think we picked out a pretty nice Christmas tree! - And, by carrying it out and tying it onto the car ourselves, we saved the money, right, Norm? - Norm??
dr061205 -- Z - - - Feel free to take off your shoes and socks once in a while! At my age, it's easier just to leave 'em on!
dr061206 -- No matter which checkout line I pick, it's always the slowest! - I wonder why that is? - Pssst! Ralph Drabble is in our line! Move real slow and try to use expired coupons! Just as I suspected!
dr061207 -- Holiday spirit violations are issued to people who are observed being uncheerful! - I know the holidays are stressful for everyone... - But I expected better from you! Sorry, officer! It's been a long day!
dr061208 -- You're giving me a holiday spirit violation??! - What did I do wrong, officer? - Section 358, article 7 prohibits giggling at a mall cop who is being forced by his employer to wear a Sanka hat!
dr061209 -- - - - How are you able to run between the raindrops?? Have I ever mentioned that cats really hate to get wet?
dr061210 -- - - - - - - Wally sure enjoys the holidays! It's a regular wiener wonderland! I could've sworn we put more decorations on this tree!
dr061211 -- The following program contains mature subject matter. Viewer discretion is advised. - NOT! Put down that remote!!!
dr061212 -- Daddy, wake up! I can't fall asleep! I'm too excited!! Excited about what, Penny? - Tonight is Christmas eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve... - Eve! This could be a long month!
dr061213 -- Dad, wake up! Oh great! Another one of my kids can't sleep tonight! - What is it, Norm? Are you excited because Santa will be here in a matter of days? - Of course not, dad! Give me a break! I'm practically an adult! Then why can't you sleep?
dr061213 -- - I watched that ebenezer scrooge movie, and the ghosts creeped me out!
dr061214 -- Fa la la la la la la la la - Aw...wasn't that nice! I suppose. - But I miss the days when Christmas carolers actually came to your door, instead of just text messaging!
dr061215 -- ...And a happy new yeeeaarr! - Sorry, Halloween is over! - But, since the big guy on the end worked so hard o his gorilla costume, have some cookies! Steinbauer puts the ART in SMART aleck!
dr061216 -- The following program contains graphic violence, amture themes, adult situations, disturbing images, crude humor, language, and nudity. - Let's see the other shows try to top THAT!
dr061217 -- Finished at last! - Ralph, I baked REINDEER COOKIES! Have one! - Gasp! Thanks! - I can't believe you just ATE it!! Huh?? - Do you know how long it took me to decorate those cookies?!!? The antlers alone took all afternoon!! - And you just
dr061217 -- scarfed it down without even looking at it!! I can't believe it!!! - Some day, years from now, you'll both laugh about this! Assuming I survive the holidays!
dr061218 -- KNOCK KNOCK - ? - Whoa! A plate of cookies from "Secret Santa"! - There's nothing like getting homemade goodies from heaven only knows who!
dr061219 -- Someone left a plate of cookies on our porch, honeybunch! - I wonder who! I heard someone running away and laughing! - It Sounded like Mr, Steinbauer! - STEINBAUER?!! No one eat these cookies until they're analyzed by a lab!
dr061220 -- Ralph, what makes you think Mr, Steinbauer would leave tainted cookies on our porch? - Twelve years ago, I reported his illegal room addition to the city! He vowed to get even with me some day, when I least expect it! - So you think he made
dr061220 -- us poisoned cookies?? Well, maybe not poisoned... - But I'll bet he didn't wash his hands. ACHOO! sniff! snort!
dr061221 -- I'll get to the bottom of this... knock knock knock! - Hello, Steinbauer! Why, hello, Ralph! How are you? - How am I?? What an odd question! Why would you ask that?? Is there a reason why I wouldn't be feeling well? - It's not like I ate any
dr061221 -- TAINTED COOKIES!! Ralph, you're acting weird, even for you!
dr061222 -- Someone left cookies on our porch, Steinbauer, and I'll bet it was you! - Would you care to eat the first one? It wasn't me, and no thank you! - Well, in any case, this is the season of love and giving, so please have a cookie! I said no. -
dr061222 -- HAVE A COOKIE! NO! HAVE A COOKIE! NO!
dr061223 -- HAVE A COOKIE, STEINBAUER! NO! - Ralph, it wasn't Mr. Steinbauer who left us those cookies! It was Mrs. Mitchell! - Mrs. Mitchell?? She makes the best cookies in town! - GIMME BACK THAT COOKIE! NO!
dr061224 -- 'Twas the night before Christmas - And the house appeared calm. - Not a creature was stirring Z - Except Dad and Mom! We're missing a 3/8" screw bolt! Who writes these stupid instructions?! I can't believe they didn't include batteries! Where
dr061224 -- are the pliers?! -Rod 'A' doesn't fit in tube 'C'!! Next year all the kids are getting gift cards!
dr061225 -- Last Year Ralph, you tore open your gift so fast, you didn't even notice how nicely it was wrapped! I spend a long time wrapping gifts and the least you can do is... - This Year And such a lovely bow! What a vibrant paper you selected! The
dr061225 -- corners are so crisp and even! What an efficient use of tape! I'm sure that whatever is on the inside cannot possibly compare to... Oh, knock it off!
dr061226 -- Whoa! I dropped my donut on the floor! - Three-second-rule!! - AARRRRRRGGH! - Almost got it! Unfortunately, it's not been a minute and a half!
dr061227 -- Ralph, listen! They're playing our song on the radio! - Do you remember why it's our song? Of course I do! How could I ever forget? - Then tell me. Well, uh...it's a really really good song that we heard a long time ago... - And it's
dr061227 -- really really special to us and we'll never forget it because...HEY, WHAT'S THAT?!! Don't change the subject!
dr061228 -- You lazy wiener dog! What good are you, anyway? - Do some tricks! Roll over! - Roll over! Roll over! - You heart's not really in this, is it?
dr061229 -- Norman, I realize it's winter break and you don't have to get up early for school... Yawn! - But that's no reason to be lazy! LAZY?! How dare you call me lazy! - All I ever get around here is criticism! - Sometimes I wonder why I bother to
dr061229 -- get out of bed in the afternoon!
dr061230 -- Where is my hooded sweatshirt? - In the hall closet. Thanks. - You have it on backward! I know. - I'm going to the movies, and I drop a lot of popcorn!
dr061231 -- Dang! I can't find my thesaurus! - I have creative writing assignment, and I need a more imaginative term for the word "no." - * - beep! beep! boop! beep! beep! boop! boop! - Hello, Wendy? It's me, Norman! - Say, I was wondering...uhh...how
dr061231 -- would you like to spend new year's eve with me?! - No way! Not a chance! Absolutely not! Nyet! Nein! Negatory, good buddy! Ain't gonna happen! Nope! Let's move on! Nay! Heaven forbid! Not in a million years! Read my lips! Nada! Count me out!
dr061231 -- You must be kidding! Not on my watch... Slow down'! I can't write that fast!
dr070101 -- Hello? Yes, this is Ralph! - You think I look perfect the way I am?? Why, thank you! - Nom don't worry. I didn't make any resolutions! See you tomorrow! - Who on earth was that?? The donut shop! Dad, it's the corn dog stand!
dr070102 -- When you brush your teeth, where do you start? Huh? - Everyone starts brushing their teeth in the same place. I always start on my lower right molars! - So, where do YOU always start? Uhhh... - Are you going to brush your teeth or are you
dr070102 -- just going to stand there all day?! Quiet! I'm trying to think!
dr070103 -- Hi, Kathy! I got your message... - I know you asked me to call you back, but I don't have time to call you back right now! - So, you're calling her back to tell her why you're not calling her back??? - Hang on, Kathy. I need to tell my
dr070103 -- husband that I'm not talking to him!
dr070104 -- Gee, dad, how did you get such a nice tan in the dead of winter? - I used some of this instant tanning lotion! - It looks good. - From the front, anyway!
dr070105 -- Ralph, how does my new dress look? - Aw, honeybunch...do you really need to ask? - You look great in almost anything! Thanks! - Even *I* know you didn't answer the question! I should've gone into politics!
dr070106 -- I'd like pancakes, please! We're not serving breakfast anymore! - You sign says "Now Serving Breakfast"! - That doesn't mean we're serving breakfast NOW! It means we're NOW SERVING BREAKFAST!! - Are you now serving lunch? What are you, a wise
dr070106 -- guy?
dr070107 -- HAS ANYONE SEEN MY SHOES? - YEEOOWL! bark bark bark bark! - No, YOU are! No, YOU are! - YOU KIDS BETTER HURRY! YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE!! WHIRRRRRR! - Everyone pipe down! It's your father's day off! - Even when I get to sleep in, I don't get
dr070107 -- to sleep in!
dr070108 -- Ralph, Oogie has an appointment with the vet, today. - Go find her and put her in the kitty carrier! Why me?? I'm afraid of that crazy cat! - Oh, Ralph,,,you're afraid of your own shadow! - That's OK, dad. I'm afraid of your shadow too! It's
dr070108 -- HUMONGOUS!
dr070109 -- Cat! Cat! That's not how you call a cat, dad... - You're supposed to say "here kitty kitty kitty" in a high-pitched voice! Try it! - Here kitty kitty kitty! - That was a little too high!
dr070110 -- - - - When you need to find the cat, just follow the trail of the hair! Oddly enough, that's also how I find YOU!
dr070111 -- Nice kitty! - There! Everything is fine, see? Nothing to be upset about! - Mom says you're taking Oogie to the vet! - SHRED! - Big mouth!
dr070112 -- When Oogie chases the laser pen light into the kitty carrier, you close the door! - Hey, Norman... - Quiet, Penny! I need to concentrate!
dr070113 -- There! I did it! I finally got you into the kitty carrier! - I was scratched, clawed and bitten! My clothes were shredded! - But I prevailed! You're going to the vet! - My mistake, Ralph. Oogie's appointment is a WEEK from today!
dr070114 -- Hey Wally! Want me to throw the tennis ball? - You like it when I throw the ball, don't you?! - OK, here I go! I'm gonna throw it! Oh boy! - Here I go! I'm getting ready to throw it! Yessiree! - I'm really gonna throw it now! Almost ready! -
dr070114 -- Wally's so excited! I'm just about getting ready to throw it now! - Oh, for heaven's sakes. I'LL throw it! - BOP! Go get it, Wally!
dr070115 -- ...sigh... - Many people wonder where all the socks go that disappear from the laundry. - - If you own a dachshund, you never rave to wonder!
dr070116 -- aaaarrgg! - - skattle skattle skattle - SNATCH! HEY!! skattle skattle - Isn't it hard ENOUGH for me to put my socks on?
dr070117 -- WALLY! LET GO OFF MY SOCK!! - Thank you! - Maybe I'll just wear sandals today!
dr070118 -- HEY GIMME BACK MY SOCK! skattle skattle skattle - GIVE IT BACK, WALLY! I MEAN IT!! skattle skattle - - Well, it's ABOUT TIME somebody came home!
dr070119 -- skattle skattle skattle - GOTCHA! Hey, where'd we go the aardvark?
dr070120 -- Mom, listen to this... - Today is Wiener Dog Awareness Day! - If you own a wiener dog, EVERY day is Wiener Dog Awareness Day! skattle skattle skattle COME BACK WITH MY PANTS!
dr070121 -- Z - Darn! Six o'clock comes early! yawn - Hey, it isn't six o'clock yet! It's only 3:15! - Sweet! I can go back to sleep for three more hours. - No, wait...that's not right! Let's see...if it's 3:15, and I have to get up at six... - Carry the
dr070121 -- two... - I can sleep for another two hours and forty-five minutes! - Now I'm wide awake!
dr070122 -- I think my short story needs to be punched up a little. - What's a more interesting way to say, "See you later"? - Well, how about... - See you later!
dr070123 -- Mmm! That's tasty! - I think I'll have seconds! - Save room for dessert, Ralph! - Don't worry, mom. Dad looks like he has PLENTY of room!
dr070124 -- - - That was fun! - Dad, you're the only person I know who goes to the carwash just to watch OTHER people's cars get washed! I like to see how the other half lives!
dr071025 -- SCOOP SCOOP! - Hmmm... - Honeybunch, is it OK if I just polish off the rest of the carton? I suppose. Sweet!
dr071026 -- - - - - CLOMP! skattle skattle skattle skattle Wally loves plastic water bottles!
dr071027 -- That'll be $5.75 at the first window! OK - Pay Window Here's your change. Next window please! OK - Pick-Up Window Here's your order. Next. window, please. OK - Correction Window You got my order wrong AGAIN! ...sigh...
dr071028 -- The following program contains graphic material, adult themes, mature situations, crude humor, explicit dialogue, nudity and violence. - Viewer discretion is adviced. I say OK! Me too! - Why can't we watch that show?? Because, in this house,
dr071028 -- viewer discretion loses out to mother-of-viewer discretion!
dr070129 -- Wendy, how many chicken nuggets come in a six-piece box? My guess would be six. - My box had seven. I'll have to give one back! Give one BACK?? - To keep it would be like STEALING! I'd never be able to look at myself in the mirror again! - I
dr070129 -- don't know how you look at yourself in the mirror NOW! Today it's chicken nugget. Tomorrow it could be Grand Theft Auto!
dr070130 -- Excuse me...I just ordered a six-piece box of chicken nuggets... - But my box contained seven nuggets! - So, here's one back! - He didn't seem all that appreciative!
dr070131 -- I can't believe you returned a chicken nugget! They gave me one too many! - I'm a man of integrity. I paid for six chicken nuggets, and I... - Wait a minute! 1, 2, 3, 4, *5*! There were six nuggets in the box!! - EXCUSE ME AGAIN... I think
dr070131 -- he's one nugget short of a Happy Meal!
dr070201 -- Excuse me...I just returned a chicken nugget because I thought you gave me one too many. - But now I realize that I miscounted. So can I please have my chicken nugget back? - - Are you sure this is the same one? It looks smaller. Trust me.
dr070201 -- You're the only person who's returned a chicken nugget today!
dr070202 -- There! I got back my chicken nugget! Now I have six-exactly what I paid for! - You know, Norman, I could have SWORN you already ate one! - Really? Gosh, maybe I DID eat one! That means I need to give one back! - Me, again! Can I go on my
dr070202 -- break now, please?!
dr070203 -- First you returned a chicken nugget, then you asked for it back. Then you returned it again. Is everything OK, now? - No! My packet of barbecue sauce is unopened! Had I eaten a chicken nugget, I would have opened the sauce! They DO owe me
dr070203 -- another nugget! - EXCUSE ME AGAIN... - FLING! BAP!
dr070204 -- - Bathroom break! Time to make phone calls! I'm thirsty! Snack time! - Things have sure changed... - I remember when people used to watch the GAME and get up during the COMMERCIALS! Welcome back to Super Bowl XLI.
dr070205 -- ...sigh... - - KLUNK! - After six weeks, it's officially OK to toss your mother-in-law's dumb Christmas gift!
dr070206 -- Gee, dad...you're getting father! - Try to be a little more tactful! - Can't you think of a NICER way to say that?! - You appear to have elevated your porkage!
dr070207 -- Hi, No. - Wendy! No. - Valentine's No. - dayiscomingupandiwonderedif... No.No.No.No.No.No.No.No.No.No.No.No.No.
dr070208 -- Please remember to be quiet and courteous during the movie! - That's a sad commentary on our society! I can't believe they have to remind people to behave in the theater! - When I was a kid, they never made announcements like that! - And when
dr070208 -- you were a kid, you'd sit in the balcony and pretend to get sick! Yeah, those were the days!
dr070209 -- HELLLLLLP!! - Norman, what's wrong? Nothing, why? - You screamed for help! Oh, that was just a practice scream! - One never knows when one may need to scream for help! One can say THAT again!
dr070210 -- DING DONG! - arf ARF arf arf arf arf ARF ARF arf arf arf arf arf arf Wally, knock it off! It's just the TV! - How'd the TV get out there??
dr070211 -- Wally? - Oh, Wally? - Here, boy! - Wally? - Wally? - ...sigh... Food Court - I said go away! On second thought, maybe we don't need a canine unit!
dr070212 -- The mall is open. AND I've got a fistful of five dollar bills! - Come on, Abes! Let's go celebrate! - Mom certainly has her own way of observing Abraham Lincoln's birthday! I'm just glad she doesn't celebrate Andrew Jackson's birthday!
dr070213 -- Excuse us, Candice... - Stu was wondering if you'd care to go out with him tomorrow. - Sorry. I'm busy. - Boy, you guys are a lot of help! Stu, wen can't even get our OWN dates!
dr070214 -- RIP! - FOLD - scribble draw draw scribble - Here, Norman. I have a Valentine's card for you, too! How thoughtful!
dr070215 -- Drive Trhu Car Wash Enter - This is your all-time lamest idea for a fun evening out! After this, we'll go to Bulk Club and sample stuff!
dr070216 -- Ralph, what's wrong? My favorite cartoonist is retiring! - I look forward to that strip every day, and now it won't be there anymore! - I feel empty inside! - You don't LOOK empty inside! pat pat
dr070217 -- - We really need to get the roof fixed! I still say it's cheaper to buy more pots!
dr070218 -- Good-bye, honeybunch! - - I said, good-bye! I know. I already said good-by back! - What's wrong? Didn't I say it with enough enthusiasm? - No, I just didn't hear you, and I didn't know if YOU heard ME! - I wouldn't want you to accuse me of
dr070218 -- leaving without saying good-bye! - Good-bye for the third time! - You didn't say good-bye for the third time BACK- I sure hope nobody asks me why I was late for work this morning!
dr070219 -- Ralph, the sliding-glass door needs to be washed. Let's do it together! Together??! - Honeybunch, if you wash it yourself, it will take an hour. - If I wash it myself, it will take ten minutes! - If we wash it TOGETHER, it will take the rest
dr070219 -- of the day, and part of tomorrow! I'll get the squeegees!
dr070220 -- Come on, Ralph! Help me wash the windows! - It will be FUN to work together! We'll be PARTNERS! We'll be a TEAM! - Put something good on the radio, and we'll be done in NO time! OK. - Welcome back to the jungle, clones! I am NOT listening to
dr070220 -- sports talk!!!
dr070221 -- OK, I'll wash the windows with you. - Where's the window cleaner? It's hidden right here in plain sight! - It's disguised in that big jug that says "Window Cleaner"! - Obviously, you couldn't see it because it was right in front of you and
dr070221 -- you're a man! Wow. 3 zingers in one question!
dr070222 -- RIP! Ralph!!! - Don't use two paper towels at a time! It's wasteful! - ...sigh... - Isn't it fun working together?! I'm having a blast.
dr070223 -- Ralph, isn't it great to be working together washing the windows? - A husband and a wife working in harmony to achieve a common goal? It's beautiful! - Having said that... - LET GO OF THE WINDEX!! I HAD IT FIRST!!
dr070224 -- Bump! - squirt squirt - - - All done! Who says we don't work well together? It only took us 8.5 hours to wash a window!
dr070225 -- Hey, Wally! Wanna' chase the ball? - GO GET IT! - skattle skattle skattle - I'm gonna throw it again! - GO GET IT! - skattle skattle skattle - What a crazy dog! - I'M crazy?? YOU'RE the on who keeps throwing it away!
dr070226 -- Honeybunch, let's go out for a nice, romantic evening! - Are you kidding?! I'm not in the mood for that!! Patrick's little league coach has me so upset, I can't SEE straight!!! - He's such a JERK!! He never lets Patrick play!! I'm SO upset!!
dr070226 -- - It's nice to know my love life is in the hands of my kid's little league coach!
dr070227 -- Here, Norman. What's that, Wendy? - It's a little box of Valentine's candy. Valentine's day was two weeks ago! - I know. I gave these to everyone I could think of, and I had one left over, so here! Thanks. - It's the afterthought that counts!
dr070228 -- What's for dinner tonight? ...sigh... - I get so tired of that question! Every day, you ask what's for dinner tonight! - Can't you think of a more original question?? - What's for dinner tomorrow night?
dr070301 -- I' home from work! - My feet are killing me! - But not as bad as YOUR feet are killing me!
dr070302 -- Another little league season is underway. - Parents should be careful not to overdo it! - There are ailments associated with too much baseball. Little league elbow? - "Bleacher Butt"!
dr070303 -- Oh my GOSH!! - rip! rip! rip! shred! rip! - Norman, when a letter comes in the mail that says, "extremely urgent: open immediately," try not to panic! They're having a St.Patty's day sale at Zundel's!
dr070304 -- Hi, Penny! Wanna bake cookies or something? Sure, Kendall! Come in! - Wow! You have a pet duck??! - Yes, but don't tell my dad. He HATES duck! - He thinks that Bob is a rare south American parrot that takes on the characteristics of a duck
dr070304 -- for survival in the jungle. That's weird! - What does he think your CAT is? - A pain in the neck! SCRAM! You're getting CAT HAIR all over my PIZZA!
dr070305 -- Dad, I need some fatherly advice. - Dang! I just took my "Fatherly Advice" sweater to the cleaners! "Fatherly Advice" sweater? - You know...the one with the elbow patches, like the dad on "Father Knows Best" always wore! - You can't give me
dr070305 -- fatherly advice unless you're wearing a SWEATER??! I'll be able to give you advice after 3:00 P.M. on Thursday!
dr070306 -- Thanks for the fatherly advice, dad! Any time, Patrick! - Dad, I'd like some fatherly advice, too! Did you take a number? - A number?? Oh, yeah, huh! - I'm number 47! 3! Now serving number 3!!
dr070307 -- On "Leave It To Beaver," Mr. Cleaver would invite his son into his private study to dispense fatherly advice. - Our house doesn't have a study, so we'll use the bathroom! - I've been trying to make it LOOK more like a study! - I wondered why
dr070307 -- the globe was in here! The moose head wouldn't fit through the door!
dr070308 -- - Thanks for the advice, daddy! You're welcome, princess! - Waiting for some more fatherly advice, Norm? - No, I just need to use the bathroom! Make it snappy! I have another appointment at 4:30!
dr070309 -- Thanks for the fatherly advice, Mr. Drabble! You're welcome, Kendall! - How come other people's kids are coming to you for advice, dad? - Fatherly advice is becoming a lost art, son. Most men lack the courage! - To give advice? To wear the
dr070309 -- outfit!
dr070310 -- Thanks for the fatherly advice, Mr. Drabble! You're welcome, Stu! - Let me see if I remember it all... - "Never look a gift bird in the hand,", and "A rolling stone never rings." You got it! - It's an honor to be able to impart my wisdom to
dr070310 -- the younger generation!
dr070311 -- Norm, will you empty the wastebasket, please? Okeydoke! - - - - - - - Anything else you'd like me to do? No.
dr070312 -- Welcome back to DEAL OR NO DEAL! Our next contestant is... - Ralph Drabble! - WOOOO! WOOOO!! - I'm gonna be rich!! I'm gonna be rich!! Woo-hoo!! Hi, howdie!! smooch! Please don't kiss me again!
dr070313 -- Ralph, we have 26 beautiful models holding 26 cases! Pick one! - I pick beautiful model number 7! - Why number 7, Ralph? Howdie, I'm a happily married man, but if anything changes, I'm giving number 7 a call! - Just kidding in case my wife is
dr070313 -- watching! - Model number 7! Come back!! He better win a fortune!
dr070314 -- Ralph, you've selected case number 7! 25 cases remain! Pick a number! Case number 12! - Inside case number 12 is...one million dollars. - Wooo! I'm rich! I'm rich! I'd like to publicly tell my stupid boss that I quit!!! - Ralph, that doesn't
dr070314 -- mean you WIN a million dollars, it means you DON'T win a million dollars! Oh yeah. Never mind!
dr070315 -- Welcome back to DEAL OR NO DEAL! Things aren't going well for our contestant, Ralph Drabble! - Ralph, you have eliminated most of the big amounts... - I don't know how things can get any worse! I'm sweating like a pig, howdie! I need to take
dr070315 -- off my shirt! - Things just got worse! Ahhh! That's much better!
dr070316 -- Ralph, the biggest amount left on the board is only $500! - boodle-oodle-oop! That's the banker. He's calling with an offer! - What's he saying, howdie? What's he saying?? Jump! Jump! Jump! - He's offering you $25,000 to put your shirt back
dr070316 -- on!
dr070317 -- The biggest amount left on the board is now only $300. - Ralph, the banker says you're the most obnoxious contestant we've ever had! - He is offering you $1,000,000 to just go away! A million dollars? Let me think about this... - NO DEAL,
dr070317 -- HOWDIE!! Please?
dr070318 -- "This will hurt me more than it hurts you." tap tap tikka tikka - "This will only take a minute". tappity tick tick I've got a suggestion, Norman... - tappa tappa "I'm glad you asked that." I've got one... "Your call is very important to us."
dr070318 -- - "Our dog is normally very gentle." tap tap tap What are you doing? - I'm compiling a list of phrases that are almost never true! - Great idea, Norman. - Thank you! That was another suggestion!
dr070319 -- I learned thomething interething thith afternoon... - When the microwave pithzza inthructionth thay to let it cool off before eating, they thpeak the truth! - - Tell me again why we call Norman our "Miracle Child". - You started calling him
dr070319 -- that when he graduated high school!
dr070320 -- Ralph, you look ridiculous! - You're not going outside dressed like that, are you? - Not anymore, honeybunch! - We're a good combination. She's very critical, and I'm very critiqueable!
dr070321 -- I'm going to the self-serve ice cream machine, honeybunch! OK, Ralph! - Oooh! aahh! Wow! clap clap clap clap Awesome! Whistle! Clap clap! - Aren't you just a LITTLE embarrassed? Hey, it's not like I'll ever see any of these people again!
dr070322 -- Let me make your ice cream special, Penny... - Would you prefer the "Mount Fuji," the "Matterhorn," or the "Mount Rushmore"? - Uh... "Mount Rushmore". - Coming right up... - Voila! Wow, dad! You've got some serious soft-serve skill!
dr070323 -- Dessert Bar - Oh, that's disgusting! - You should be ashamed of yourself! - People are usually IMPRESSED when I make my ice cream this bug! Not when you go back for thirds!
dr070324 -- Dessert time at the buffet! - - Dang! - Never get behind Ralph Drabble at the soft serve machine!
dr070325 -- - HEY, YOU DUMB CAT! GET OFF MY CAR!! - GET DOWN, I SAID! DON'T MAKE ME COME OUT THERE!! - Oogie is sleeping on the car because it's warm! - She knows you'll never come out there because it's cold! - - - HONK! - I knew this remote horn honker
dr070325 -- would come in handy some day!
dr070326 -- Would you like to go to the movies tonight, honeybunch? And see what? - How about that "Chick Flick" you've been wanting to see? - That sounds great! I'll go get my purse! - Well?? Come on! You mean I have to go, too?
dr070327 -- SEE, honey?! - This guy is dressed MUCH worse than I am! - You can't say I'm the worst-dressed guy in the mall anymore! - Thanks, pal! Glad I could help!
dr070328 -- How could you be so thoughtless?! - I'd been scrubbing that floor all day long, and you tracked in mud!! - You tracked mud across the floor, eh? Yeah, five years ago! - Why is she getting mad at you for something you did five years ago?? It's
dr070328 -- been a slow day.
dr070329 -- click! BZZZZZZ - ZZZZZZZZ - ZZZZZzzzglglg! YEEOOW! - I hate it when the battery in my nose hair trimmer wears out!
dr070330 -- Excuse me, Ralph. I need to check my E-Mails. OK - - I hate sitting in that chair after you've sat in it! - There's no SQUISH left!
dr070331 -- It's going to be cold at the zoo. Everyone should wear a jacket! - We don't need jackets. The weather forecast is sunny and warm! - Wear your jackets anyway! If it's warm, we can always take them off. - ...and give them to dad!
dr070401 -- Happy april fool's day, everyone! - As you may have noticed, all the comic strips in today's paper look a little different! - In honor of april fool's day, all the cartoonists got together and decided to draw their strips with th wrong hand
dr070401 -- today! Uh, dad... - Today's Drabble strip was drawn entirely left-handed! Dad... - What?! Nobody else did it. Just us! - - OH, YOU GUYS ARE A RIOT! April fools!
dr070402 -- I don't understand it! - I got this new cell phone plan... - Your mom gets unlimited free minutes, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week... - And she STILL went over!
dr070403 -- Penny, quit dragging around that teddy bear! - You don't need to hold on it all the time! - I know it gives you a sense of security, but you need to let go of it occasionally! - I'll let go of my teddy bear if you'll let go of the TV
dr070403 -- clickers! NO WAY!!
dr070404 -- $ee you $oon, Ralph. I need to run $ome errand$! - I didn't like the sound of that!
dr070405 -- I'm filling out a job application, dad! - Let's see... "print full name" - Norman Trouble Drabble - When you were little, and I used to say "trouble is your middle name", I was just kidding! NOW you tell me!
dr070406 -- Hi! Hello! - How are you? Fine. - I don't believe we've met. My name is Norman! - I'm so excited to meet a new friend! Hang on. Some weirdo is trying to talk to me!
dr070407 -- You know what they say... - If it looks lie a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck... - It's probably a duck! - Or else it's a rare South American parrot that takes on the characteristics of a duck for survival in the jungle!
dr070408 -- I can't find any of my easter eggs! - I've looked everywhere! - The easter bunny is pretty clever, Norm. He probably hid them somewhere he knew you'd never, never look! - - - FOUND 'EM!!! Where were they hidden? - Inside my college textbooks!
dr070408 -- Hey, speaking of that, how's your spring break homework coming along?
dr070409 -- Gooood morning, DRABBLE FAMILY!! - Your home is about to become EXTREMELY MADEOVER! - Ralph, we chose your home because your application video brought tears to our eyes! - Kids, what's it like to know your dad is a hero? He's a WHAT?? Mmpff!
dr070409 -- - They're very proud!
dr070410 -- Drabble family, your home has been selected to be EXTREMELY MADEOVER! - Why didn't you TELL me they were coming?! I didn't know they'd show up at the crack of dawn! - Excuse me...I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but could you guys take your
dr070410 -- TV cameras and come back in an hour? I need a little more time to make myself presentable! Make it two hours!
dr070411 -- Drabble family, our design team has arrived to build you a brand new home! Sweet! - I was hoping you could do something like this... - That's Hearst Castle! Yeah, go nuts!
dr070412 -- Ralph, while our design team is remodeling your home... - You and your family will be sent on a week-long, all expense paid trip to... - Disney world? New York? The Carribean? Hawaii? - Spanky's Motor Lodge in Buellton! Darn! That's where we
dr070412 -- went on our honeymoon!
dr070413 -- Hello again, Drabble family! - We hope you're having a nice vacation in exciting Buellton while your home is being remodeled! - As you can see, the wrecking ball is here to demolish your house! - I sure hope you took out all of our worldly
dr070413 -- possessions! Actually, YOU were supposed to do that, Ralph! *crash**
dr070414 -- The wrecking ball has just destroyed your roof, and your fabulous remodel is underway! - Hold on, folks...I've got a call from our show's producer! Hello?...I see...'kay, bye! - Well, Drabble family, it seems that our show has just been
dr070414 -- cancelled, so... - We're outa' here. Sorry about your roof! At least we got to see Buellton! Darned contractors!
dr070415 -- Good night, honeybunch! Good night, Ralph! - Nitey-nite, Penny! Good night, daddy-o! - G'nite, boys! G'nite, dad! 'nite, pa! - YES!! I'm a FREE MAN!! - Everyone is in bed, and the house is ALL MINE!! - I can do anything I want! I can eat
dr070415 -- chips! I can watch TV! I can... - Z
dr070416 -- - - - I guess I don't quite have the hang of using my new cell phone camera!
dr070417 -- Listen to this, dad! A daily 30-minute walk can extend your life 1.3 years! - Let's see...30 minutes a day...that's 182.5 hours of walking per year... scribble - Carry the two...divide by seven... scribble scribble scribble . Forget it!
dr070417 -- That's only a net gain of six weeks...
dr070418 -- Boy, what a lousy day THIS is going to be! - It's probably going to rain! Why did I bother to get out of bed?!  - Where are you going? I'm giving a speech at the Optimist's Club! But probably no one will show up!
dr070419 -- Going for another walk, mom? Yup! Exercise is important! - I don't want to have JUNK in my TRUNK - It's bad enough having a LARD in my YARD!
dr070420 -- Your father falls asleep in that chair every night! Z - RALPH! WAKE UP AND GO TO BED!! Z - Poor dad... - In the morning, he has "BED-head", and in the evening, he had "CHAIR-hair."
dr070421 -- Ralph, have you been walking with your new pedometer? - I most certainly have, honeybunch! - So far today, I've walked 2.4 miles! - Good for you! That means it's exactly 1.2 miles to the doughnut shop!
dr070422 -- Uncle Drabble's World Of Fun! Hi, Kids! - These two pictures are almost identical, but there is at least *one mistake*! Can you figure out what it is? - Answer: Ralph made the mistake of saying, "Aw, crud! We're having spaghetti again??"
dr070423 -- Ralph, do I look fat in this dress? - - Of course not! - Liar! At least I'm a LIVE liar!
dr070424 -- No television, no toys, no iPod, no computer, and no playing outside until your attitude changes! - OK, maybe you ARE the boss of me!
dr070425 -- We're back from the movie! - What kind of movie did you see, dad? A chick flick, heavy on the "ick"!
dr070426 -- I have an amazing talent! I instinctively know the exact time of day! Go ahead, ask me the time! What time is it? - 11:42! Wrong. - 11:53? Nope. 12:27? Wrong. 1:04? Nope. 2:36? Nope. - This is still Thursday, right?
dr070427 -- Why did they give us each two forks, dad? ...sigh... - Norman, I can't believe you don't know! They ALWAYS give you two forks at finer restaurants! - How come? In case you drop one, of course! - Oh yeah, huh! You really need to get out more!
dr070428 -- YES! scoop scoop scoop  - Relax, honeybunch! The carton says this ice cream only has 90 calories per serving!
dr070429 -- ...and I'd also like to thank my family for their encouragement and support... - And I'd especially like to thank the flavors of peanut butter and chocolate for making this all possible! Dad's acceptance speech is running a little long! Oh
dr070429 -- well, it's not every day you receive a lifetime achievement award from the frozen yogurt shop! Can you wrap it up, Ralph? I've got customers!
dr070430 -- Dry Cleaners One pair of pants to be dry cleaned, please. - Do you think you can get out that big chocolate stain? It depends how long ago it occurred. - Generally speaking, the sooner you bring it to the cleaners, the better the chances are!
dr070430 -- - We should be OK, then!
dr070501 -- SNORRRRRRE! fwweeeeeeeeee! SNORRRRRE! fwweeeeeeeeee! - My husband is a sound sleeper in more ways than one! SNORK! gurgle! wheeze! SNORRRRE!
dr070502 -- Ralph, my cousin Daryl called today... - He's got a lot of bills to pay, so I decided to lend him some money. - I hope that's OK! - Most people have an extended family...we have an overextended family!
dr070503 -- - Hello, Norman... Shhh! - My mind is engaged. - Your mind's not even going steady!
dr070504 -- EGADS!! - A person with no name is calling me!! - My cell phone always displays the caller's name! How weird! I thought EVERYONE had a name! - Why would someone with no mane be calling ME?? Maybe he wants to talk to someone with no brain!
dr070505 -- I don't know what they're called, but they're a lot of fun! - We have them all over the house! - Dad doesn't like it when I play with them. diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle - That must be why he hides them behind doors!
dr070506 -- - Hey! Why are you kids playing outside?? Well, it's a nice day, and... - Do you know how much money I spent on that new video game system you just had to have?! - A BUNDLE!! And now you guys want to play OUTSIDE?? I don't think so! - Now, go
dr070506 -- play indoors! Yes, sir! - And don't give me some lame excuse about having too much homework! Way to lay down the law, dad.
dr070507 -- - Dad asked me to fill the pool so he could go swimming! - Is that all the water we have?? - That's all the water he needs!
dr070508 -- Good heavens! Why is mom yelling?! !!! - Oh... - That's just her "I'm wearing my iPod" voice! SO, WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE FOR DINNER?!!
dr070509 -- - - pop! SPLOOSH - Before you try to play with an empty water bottle, make sure it's empty!
dr070510 -- I sure wish I could ask Candice for a date! - Why don't you, Stu? I have no confidence. - I'd make a complete fool of myself! I'd mess it up! It would be a total disaster! - For a guy with no confidence, you're pretty confident! I'd get shot
dr070510 -- down so fast, everyone would call me "skeet"!
dr070511 -- Go ahead, Stu! Walk over there and ask Candice for a date! - Don't be afraid to take a shot! - YOU never take any shots! I take plenty of shots! - Unfortunately, I'm a human air ball!
dr070512 -- Oh, boy! Brownies!! They're not for you, they're for my book club! - If you eat any of these brownies, there will be serious repercussions! - In fact, if you even THINK of eating a brownie, there will be serious repercussions! - Technically,
dr070512 -- there are known as "PREpercussions"!
dr070513 -- Happy mother's day, Mom! I hope you enjoyed your mother's day brunch! - And all your cards and gifts! I did! Thank you all for everything! - So, what's for dinner tonight? Do you have time to iron my golf shirt? My gym uniform still needs to
dr070513 -- be washed! - Could you help me with my art project that's due tomorrow? Mother's day is a misnomer. It should be called "Mother's Hour-And-A-Half"!
dr070514 -- I need to put extra sunscreen on my tummy! - Whenever I sunbathe, my stomach is the only part of my body that gets sunburned! - I can't figure out why! Maybe because it's closest to the sun!
dr070515 -- Norman, I've folded all your clean laundry. - Will you take it up to your room, please? Uh...sure. - Tell me when I get to the stairs! Heaven forbid he'd have to make more than one trip!
dr070516 -- Here's your clean laundry, Patrick. - I spent a lot of time folding it, so carry it up to your room carefully! - I made it to my room without dropping anything!! Good! -
dr070517 -- Have a seat, Ralph! Thanks, Jerry! - How have you been? snip snip Fine, thanks! - How's the family? snip snip snip Oh, they're... - All done! My haircuts don't take as long as they used to!
dr070518 -- - - What's with Wally?? Beats me. - All I said was "don't bark". Crud. I thought he said "dog park"!
dr070519 -- Ralph, no hurry, but could you fix the bathroom sink? Sure! - - - In the language of marriage, !no hurry! means "get off your duff."
dr070520 -- - pick pick pick pick pick pick pick pick pick pick pick - rake rake rake - - - - You are so impatient! Why should I have to wait until October to jump into a pile of leaves?
dr070521 -- I can't understand why your mother wanted an iPod! - She said now she can listen to her favorite songs around the house without bothering anybody! - EVERYBODY WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING... - So much for that theory!
dr070522 -- I'm home! - Hi, honeybunch! Sock it to me Sock it to me Sock it to me... - AAAAAAAHH!!! - Don't sneak upon me like that!! A thundering herd of wildebeests could sneak up on you!
dr070523 -- ATTENTION, HONEYBUNCH! THIS IS YOUR HUSBAND SPEAKING! - YOU'RE PROBABLY LISTENING TO YOUR IPOD, AND I DON'T WANT TO STARTLE YOU! - I ONLY CAME HOME FOR LUNCH! DO NOT BE ALARMED!! Play that funky music... - I REPEAT... AAAAAHH! Dang.
dr070524 -- With her iPod on, your mom can't hear a word I say! Watch... - Honeybunch, I met another woman! We're running away to Brazil! Hope you don't mind! - First I'm going to have a slice of that cake you baked for your mother! - If you touch that
dr070524 -- cake, you'll live to regret it!! Apparently, she's OK with the Brazil thing though!
dr070525 -- - - - Honeybunch, I can't believe you have these songs on your iPod!! I don't! That's mine, dad!
dr070526 -- - - - I've discovered that it's more fun to be a people-watcher than a people-watchEE!
dr070527 -- - - - - - - - - Ralph, I asked you a question! Does my new dress make me look chunky? Why aren't you answering?! My life is still flashing before my eyes!
dr070528 -- The average person eats 35,000 cookies in a lifetime! - I'm living on borrowed time!
dr070529 -- Beat it, you dumb dog! - skattle skattle skattle - I said, "beat it, you dumb dog," not "let's go for a walk"! You need to enunciate!
dr070530 -- Whoa! I have a brain freeze! - Believe it or not, Wendy, I have never had a brain freeze! - - nah...too easy!
dr070531 -- ...nine...ten...ELEVEN FEET! See, Patrick? Your oom IS bigger than mine! - Now, help me pick up all these foot-long hot dogs! We really need to by a tape measure!
dr070601 -- - - Oogie - If you ever want to find the cat, all you have to do is follow the trail of fur! Why would I ever want to find the cat?
dr070602 -- Spectator slowing on the northbound... Stayin' Alive Stayin' Alive... - Thank you for taking my call... ...a very pleasant good day to you wherever you may be... - Stop! In the name of... Welcome back to the jungle, clones! Down in the west
dr070602 -- Texas town of El Paso... The "scan" button is perfect for people with short attention spans!
dr070603 -- - - WHIFF! - ! - WHIFF! - !! - WHIFF! WHIFF! WHIFF! WHIFF! WHIFF! WHIFF! - One wiener dog plus one box of tissues equals a few minutes of solid entertainment!
dr070604 -- In England, crowds gather every day to watch the changing of the guard! - We have a similar daily occurrence in this country. - The changing of the gas prices! BOO!
dr070605 -- Oops! I dropped a nickel! - - Why did you drop all these other coins? - I didn't want to bend over for just a nickel!
dr070606 -- Mom... - Can I go over to Tyler's house? - I suppose. Thx. - What's with the thumbs? Too much texting!
dr070607 -- I want you to know, Wendy, that I'm nothing without you! - Unfortunately, you're nothing WITH me, either! No now...don't put yourself down!
dr070608 -- SPLOOSH! - I hate it when Mom makes me wash the windows! - - Mee too. Sorry, my bad!
dr070609 -- Wendy, before I go, I'd like to leave you with a thought... - - - Don't hurt yourself, Norman! I might have to get back to you...
dr070610 -- - Hey, what are you doing?? - I'm throwing away your old shirt! It's got stains all over it! - Those aren't STAINS! Those are MEMORIES!! - This is a ketchup stain from a hot dog I ate at an American League playoff game in 2002! - And this
dr070610 -- spaghetti sauce stain is from new year's eve, 2005! Remember? - And I got this chili stain at the county fair last summer! How could you even THINK of throwing this away?! - Some people take photos to remember the past...my husband spills
dr070610 -- food on himself!
dr070611 -- Hmm...this green looks fast! - I always marvel at how golfers can tell if a green is fast just by looking at it! - The speed-bump is a tip-off!
dr070612 -- - ** - It wasn't pretty, but I'm out of the trap! Any "out" is a nice "out"!
dr070613 -- - - Nope. This ball is a Callaway number two. Mine was a number one. Keep looking. - As long as our family has a pet duck, I might as well make use of him!
dr070614 -- Oh boy! Here comes the wagon! It's about time!! - In addition to the snack wagon, some of the tougher golf courses also offer the psychiatric counseling wagon! Help me, doc! This game makes me crazy, but I keep coming back for more!
dr070615 -- How was your golf course, Ralph? Terrible! - How many balls did you lose? Two. - That's not so bad, is it? - Unfortunately, he also lost a putter, his 3-wood, and the golf cart!
dr070616 -- - - WHACK! - The course marshal told us to pick up the pace!
dr070617 -- Where's Patrick? Upstairs, using the computer. - Will you pleas let him know that dinner is ready? Sure! - - Hello? - Mom says dinner's ready! - He'll be down in a minute! Thanks. - Want me to text him to wash his hands? I miss the good old
dr070617 -- days when our kids would just holler at each other!
dr070618 -- Darn! There are no close parking spaces! - That means I'm going to have a long walk! - ...sigh... Fitness Gym
dr070619 -- What's wrong, Bob? - You seem a little depressed. - Why so down-in-the-beak? - Ha ha! Get it? Joining this comic strip was a bad career move!
dr070620 -- I'm wasting my career! - What am I doing in this comic strip, anyway? - I never get any good lines! - Who does? Good point!
dr070621 -- I've had it! I'm tired of being underutilized around here! - I'm going to go outside and take a long waddle! - Let's hope I don't meet with all fowl play! - See the kind of witty material you've been all missing?
dr070622 -- Bob the Duck ran away from home! - We better find him! He's probably halfway  to Brazil by now! - Bob! I thought you ran away from home! Dang! You mean this is still part of our home out here?
dr070623 -- Bob, running away from home is just a quack for help! - I'm sorry you feel like we've been ignoring you in this strip! - Our editor is making a note to enure you're treated with more respect around here! - Editor's Note Treat duck with more
dr070623 -- respect. Ed. ...sigh...
dr070624 -- Watch closely, Penny, and I'll demonstrate the proper way to blow bubbles! - First, you dip the wand into the bottle, like so... - dip dip dip - Then you hold the wand in front of your mouth... - And take a big, deep breath, like this... - -
dr070624 -- AAAKKKK! COUGH! COUGH! AAKK!! Some people would say Norman's head is half empty. I prefer to think of it as half full!
dr070625 -- Wendy, I was wondering if you'd...uh...like to go steady with me. - Norman, I thought you'd never ask! - No. - I've been looking forward to that for so long! - Glad you enjoyed it.
dr070626 -- How was your doctor's appointment, Ralph? - He gave me some new diet pills! - He promised me the weight will drop off if I follow the instructions! - "Take one pill three times a day, on empty stomach."
dr070627 -- - - - That's not fair! Son, the day you can beat me to the TV clicker, you'll be a man!
dr070628 -- Son, a boy doesn't just "get" to use the TV clicker... - He earns the privilege by becoming quicker than his father! - When the day comes that you can grab this clicker away from me, then you can keep it forever! - Really?? Yeah, but don't
dr070628 -- get your hopes up. I didn't get it from my dad 'til I was 37!
dr070629 -- ...yawn... - - ZOT! - Nith trhy.
dr070630 -- - - - Dang! That was a close one!
dr070701 -- - - - ? - ATTENTION! This bag of chocolate chips is to be used for baking cookies! - They are NOT to be eaten by the handful! - Unless you intend to bake chocolate chip cookies, please return this bag to the pantry. - Thank you for your
dr070701 -- cooperation. The MOMagement.
dr070702 -- There's mud tracked all across my clean floor!! - Bad dog!
dr070703 -- Good heavens! - What are you doing in THERE?? Swimming! - That's disgusting! How come? - I have to DRINK that water!
dr070704 -- Hey, you stupid duck! What are you doing in my pool?!! - The QUACK stroke! - Bad answer!
dr070705 -- I'm off to the gym, honeybunch! - The gym?? Yeah...I looked at myself in the mirror this morning. - I need to do some work on my upper body. - ...before it becomes part of my lower body!
dr070706 -- You ate that entire pie??? - You shouldn't have done that! - Hindsight is easy! - And your HIND is easy to SIGHT!
dr070707 -- Norm! Patrick! Do you guys know what's special about today? - Yeah, the date is 7-7-7! It happens once every century! - Really? Wow! - Well, in any case, it's also free fries day at Galtburger!
dr070708 -- - Oogie! What are YOU doing here?? - I mean, how's my favorite kitty? You're a GOOD kitty, aren't you? Yes, you are! - You wouldn't do anything mean and rotten! That's because you're nice and good! In fact, you're the nicest... lick lick lick
dr070708 -- - POP! - SSSSSSSSSssssssssssssss Stupid cat!
dr070709 -- Patrick's Lemonade $3 $3 for a LEMONADE?? That's outrageous! How can you justify that??! - Everything costs $3 these days! A cup of coffee, a gallon of gas, a frozen yogurt... - It seems to be a matter of pride in our society to pay no less
dr070709 -- than $3  for everything! - But if that's too pricey for you, I under- Make mine to go!
dr070710 -- Patrick's Lemonade $3 Do you have anything with no sugar no caffeine? One lemonade-lite coming up! -
dr070711 -- Patrick's Lemonade $3 How's business, little brother? Can't complain! - Dad says I need to find a summer job. - Could I work for you? Fill out an application.
dr070712 -- Patrick's Lemonade $3 Fill out the job application on both sides. - OK, let's see... 1. "Name"... 2. "Previous Experience"... - 3. "Would it bother you to be bossed around by your little brother?" MISTER little brother to you!
dr070713 -- Patrick's Lemonade $3 Thank you for filling out a job application, Norman! - It just happens that I'm currently looking for someone with brains and ambition! - But if I can't find anyone like that, I'll give you a call!
dr070714 -- Patrick's Lemonade $3 Hi Stu! Hi Leonard! How sad! - What could be worse than working at your little brother's lemonade stand? - Norman, I'm going to have to let you go. Any other questions? Does this mean there's a job offering?
dr070715 -- OUT! - OUT??!! - You made a TERRIBLE call, Blue! I made a terrible call??! What about YOU?! - What kind of manager calls for a sacrifice bunt with TWO OUTS?! Uhh... - Or trying to send a runner from first to third on an infield single?! Well,
dr070715 -- I... - Or having a runner try to steal second with the bases loaded?! That was a little mix-up! - YOU'VE made more bad calls than I have today! You're a disgrace to the game!! - Stop it! Isn't the MANAGER supposed to kick dirt on the UMPIRE??
dr070716 -- It's cooling off! - Time to put my sweatshirt back on! - untie untie - You're one person who shouldn't tie a sweatshirt around his waist!
dr070717 -- ATM We need more cash! - boop beep boop It's amazing how fast we go through it! - Thank goodness for these machines! beep beep boop - It's not good when your wife can operate the ATM without looking at it!
dr070718 -- You think I'm a geek, don't you? - Of course not, Norman! - Geeks usually have some sort of useful technological knowledge. - And no one can accuse you of that! Really?? Thank you!
dr070719 -- You're hard to categorize, Norman. - You're not really a GEEK, and you're not a DWEEB exactly... - You're sort of a cross between a dweeb and a geek! - I'm a DWEEK!
dr070720 -- Wendy, it doesn't matter if you think I'm a dweeb, a geek or a dweek... - For I know there are really only two kinds of people in the world... - Those who MAKE things happen, those who WAIT for things to happen, and those who ASK what
dr070720 -- happened! - ...and also, those, who don't know what happened! Don't forget those who can't count!
dr070721 -- Uh-ho! We better fast-forward the movie right here! Yeah, there's a ragy scene coming up! - Close your eyes, mom and dad! I miss the good old days when PARENTS used to monitor what their KIDS saw!
dr070722 -- Oh no... - SHIELD YOUR EYES!! - Dad, please! Never ever take your shirt OFF until we put our sunglasses ON!
dr070723 -- - - - Why do you go over speed bumps so fast??! Why do you put on makeup in the car??!
dr070724 -- Cody! Stop throwing sand on your sister! NO! - You asked for it! Go see Mr. Drabble! - - OK, I'll stop! Thank you, Mr. Drabble! "Have glare, will travel"
dr070725 -- This stupid duck is driving me crazy!! - Actually, dad, Bob isn't a duck, remember? - He's a rare south American parrot that takes on the characteristics of a duck for survival in the jungle! - So, why is he living in a tract home in the
dr070725 -- suburbs??! Our backyard looks like a jungle!
dr070726 -- You know, Bob, I appreciate the fact that, in reality, you're a rare south American parrot that takes o the characteristics of a duck for survival in the jungle... - But around here, you stand a better chance of survival if you DON'T act like
dr070726 -- a duck!
dr070727 -- AH-CHOO!! - sniff! - How come you didn't say "bless you"?! - Ahh-CHOO!! Because you always sneeze twice! Bless you!
dr070728 -- Honeybunch, is it OK if I eat this last muffin? Yes! - Penny likes those for breakfast, but I can always run to the store and buy more. - Hopefully they'll still have them in stock. Sometimes they run out. I just hope I can get there before
dr070728 -- they close! - That "yes" sounded like a "no" in disguise!
dr070729 -- ...Sigh... - - - - Wally's Toys - scattle scattle scattle - Wally's toys never get put away for more than five seconds!
dr070730 -- - WHAM! - A little help!
dr070731 -- I am reminded of another long and pointless story... - You're good to go, Norman! - OK, thanks! - Wait a minute...I didn't WANT to go!
dr070801 -- - - Hey Norm, help me out! Did I put on my pants? Not yet. - OK, thanks! You know, it might be time to invest in a treadmill!
dr070802 -- Here, Ralph. I bought you a pair of "cargo" pants! - What are "cargo" pants?? - They're made with extra room for guys like you who have more to carry around! - Oh yeah! Look at all the pockets! That's not necessarily what I was referring to!
dr070803 -- Keys, wallet, cell phone... - Comb, pen, ice cream scooper, a can of aerosol cheese. - Ketchup, mustard, salt and pepper, chocolate syrup, TV remote.. - Let's see...what else will I need today? I'm glad you're enjoying your new "cargo" pants!
dr070804 -- - - - The only problem with "cargo" pants is that I can never find my phone!
dr070805 -- Tell me again why I have to stand here! Because YOU'RE the one who forgot the umbrella! It's OK, dad! You provide more shade anyway!
dr070806 -- $%"§%§%&$&$ - $§$%$%§$%&$&$%& - Yes, dear! - That's usually the best answer when I have no idea what she's talking about!
dr070807 -- How can I be sure this is really a South American Parrot? - Bob spent time in Brazil! He's fluent in Portuguese! - Quanto custa para alugar uma cadeira de conves? - That means "how much does it cost to rent a deck chair?" Something tells me
dr070807 -- he didn't spend that much time there!
dr070808 -- Honeybunch, I'm going to play golf! No, you're not! - We're all going to the beach today, remember? Oh yeah, huh! - What the heck. Either way, I spend the day in the sand!
dr070809 -- ...twenty-nine...THIRTY! - Out of the way, dad! I'm coming in the pool! - Want another twinkle, Norm? Sure! - Dang! Now I have to wait another half hour! Hee hee!
dr070810 -- Could somebody help me with the door? - Kids? Could one of my children help me with the door? Please? - Never mind. I got it! - I hope I never need a kidney!
dr070811 -- I'm back from the mall! - Here, Ralph. I bought you another pair of pants. I hope they fit you! - "Relaxed Fit" sweatpants. - Yeah, those should be OK!
dr070812 -- 20 Minute Parking Only 20 Minute Parking Only 20 Minute Parking Only 20 Minute Parking Only Dad, why are you taking up three parking spaces? We're going to be in the store for an hour!
dr070813 -- This hole is 217 yards long. Water on the left, sand on the right! - How do you suggest I play it, caddy? - Try to hit the ball off the condo so that it ricochets back on the cart path, takes a wild bounce, and lands five feet from the pin! -
dr070813 -- I CAN'T DO THAT! You did it last time!
dr070814 -- Darn! I can't find my ball marker! - Do you have anything to mark my ball with? Sure, dad! - - How's that? Dad's Ball-->
dr070815 -- Can I hit one, dad? No, you don't know how. - Golf is a game of skill. Only after years of practice and dedication will you be able to hit a golf ball without embarrassing yourself! - blap! - And even THEN it's practically impossible!
dr070816 -- OK, Norm. Although you're not an experienced golfer, I'll let you take a shot! - First, think about club selection. It's 178 yards to the pin. The wind is blowing from the east... - Select your club carefully. Hmm... - This is a pretty one!
dr070817 -- - - FORE!! I haven't even hit the ball yet!! Sorry.
dr070818 -- - - - tokkl-okkl! - A HOLE_IN-ONE?!! That's good, right?
dr070819 -- - AAUGHH! - There goes the strangest thing I've ever seen! - Yeah, I've never seen a person being attacked by butterflies either! - There were BUTTERFLIES??
dr070820 -- A hole-in-one! I can't believe you got a hole-in-one!! - You've never even PLAYED GOLF before!! - I've played all my life! I've spent countless hours and dollars trying to achieve perfection, and YOU achieve it on the FIRST TRY!! - I feel
dr070820 -- terrible! You'll probably get your name in the paper and everything!
dr070821 -- Club House My son here just shot a hole-in-one. Congratulations!! - We'll be adding your name to our Wall of Fame! - Here are some gifts! An "I shot an ace" shirt, a cap, some balls and tees... - You must be a proud father! Oh, shut up!
dr070822 -- Club House It's not fair...I've played golf for 30 years... - Norman plays for the first time, shoots a hole-in-one, and now everyone's making a fuss over him! RING! - He gets publicity, adulation, gifts... - Congratulatory phone calls...
dr070822 -- Norman, it's Lefty on line two! Thanks for calling, Tiger! Kiss the baby!
dr070823 -- We're here with Norman Drabble, who scored a hole.in-one today on his very first golf shot! - Tell us about it, Norman! Well, my strategy was to drive the green and put the ball in the hole on the third bounce! - Unfortunately, it took four
dr070823 -- bounces, so there's room for improvement! And Norman's proud father Ralph is also here... - What do YOU have to say, Mr. Drabble? I played pretty well myself! I had a birdie on the... OK, back to you in the studio!
dr070824 -- Mr. Drabble, you were a witness to your son's remarkable hole-in-one. Tell us about it! - It was dumb luck. - - Anything you'd like to add to that? He used MY BALL and MY CLUB! I should get SOME credit!!
dr070825 -- Norman, do you think your father is jealous of your hole-in-one? Absolutely not! My dad thought me everything I know! - He taught me how to tee it up and how to follow through! My dad is the greatest! - I LOVE YOU, SON!! - He also thought me
dr070825 -- how to kick the ball out of the rough when no one's looking! OK, son! That's enough praise! sniff!
dr070826 -- I think I'm catching a cold. - Maybe a peanut butter and jelly sandwich will make me feel better! - Wait a minute...is it "feed a cold, starve a fever" or "starve a cold, feed a fever"? - "Feed a cold, starve a fever." Thanks! - I can't get
dr070826 -- the lid off. Is it "righty-tighty, lefty-loosey" or "righty-loosey, lefty-tighty"? - It's "righty-tighty, lefty-loosey." - You sure do get your phrases mixed up! - Then again, he's not the sharpest light bulb in the tool shed!
dr070827 -- The weather is hot, and autumn is just around the corner. - This is what's known as the Dog Days of Summer! - Or, in our case, the WIENER DOG days of summer! skattle skattle skattle  Interesting how they always come in packs of ten! skattle
dr070827 -- skattle skattle
dr070828 -- If you're really a rare south American parrot, then what does this mean... - "Meu cellular esta com defeito" "My cell phone is defective! - How do you know Portuguese?? - I'm part Portugoose!
dr070829 -- I just want you to know, dad, that I wouldn't be the person I am today if it wasn't for you! - How com I get blamed for everything?
dr070830 -- Wow! I look pretty snazzy! - ...if I do say so myself! - - ...and, apparently, I'm going to have to!
dr070831 -- Is this "Taco Tuesday"? - No, this is an Italian restaurant. We don't serve tacos here. - And besides, it's Friday! - Never hurts to ask!
dr070901 -- Mmm-MMM! I feel like a new man already! - Dad's idea of health food is strawberry ice cream!
dr070902 -- Ralph, for heaven's sake! Park the car already! - Yeah, dad! Why are we going to the very back of the parking lot?? - Because when you have a fancy new car, you like to park it as far away as possible and hope that no one parks next to you! -
dr070902 -- New car owners can be a little paranoid! - Oh yeah, huh! That makes sense! - ...except we don't HAVE a new car! Your father like to park right next to the new car owners just to annoy them! It's a long walk, but well worth it!
dr070903 -- Why on earth don't you take off your shirt? I'm afraid I'll be the worst-looking man on the beach! - Never mind!
dr070904 -- 'bye, kids! Enjoy your first day of school! - Remember, don't hug anyone, don't kiss anyone and don't touch anyone! - And don't say anything that can be misconstrued, or do anything that could result in costly legal action! - And look both
dr070904 -- ways before crossing the street! You worry too much!
dr070905 -- I've always wondered something... - What do cartoonists do if they can't think of of a funny punch line? - SPOILER ALERT!! If you don't want to know how this strip ends...READ NO FURTHER! - They sometimes try to create a diversion! It rarely
dr070905 -- works!
dr070906 -- - When I comb my hair like this, does it remind you of any rock stars? - As a matter of fact, yes! - 'N Sync!
dr070907 -- 'bye, kids! Have a good day at school! - Those are more expensive than backpacks, but in the long run, we'll save money on chiropractors!
dr070908 -- Dad, have you ever considered buying one of those talking navigational systems? - Move out of this lane, Ralph. It's going too slow! Turn left at the next signal! Not this signal, but the one after that... No.
dr070909 -- Nice shot, dad! Thank you, caddy! - I'm kind of tired, so I rented a cart for today's round! Sweet! - Drop me off at the outhouse!
dr070910 -- ...and I'll have the chicken pasta with mushrooms, peppers and onions. - But hold the mushrooms because the last time I ordered this, I had a violent reaction! - Of course, maybe the onions and peppers gave me the violent reaction. - I guess
dr070910 -- we'll find out! - Did I say I'd have dinner with you tonight? I meant to say I'm busy!
dr070911 -- Restaurant Wendy, are you embarrassed to be seen in public with me? - Whatever gives you that idea?
dr070912 -- I need to find a new girlfriend. - There are 10,000 women at this school. If I stand here and ask each and every one for a date, someone is bound to say yes! - Hello. I'm Norman Drabble. And you are...? - Not interested. O-for-one.
dr070913 -- Hello. I'm Norman. Would you like to go with me? No! - Why did you ask a total stranger to go out with you? - There are 10,000 women on this campus. If I ask every single one of them for a date, someone is bound to say yes! - Why don't you
dr070913 -- just try the Internet? Where's the romance in THAT??
dr070914 -- Hi, I'm Norman! Would you like to... - Oh, OK! - Sorry to bother you again! - If they've already said no, they get a hand stamp!
dr070915 -- Hi, I'm Norman. Would you like to go out with me? No. - Hi, I'm Norman. Would you like to go out with me? No. - Hi, I'm Norman. Would you like to go out with me? - OK! Sorry, I'm busy!
dr070916 -- - putt! - roll roll roll! - roll roll roll bounce bounce! - roll roll bounce bounce bounce! bounce! - The green is a little fast! That putt went longer than your drive! bounce bounce bounce roll roll bounce bouncy bounce
dr070917 -- Dad, can we go over to Uncle Tim's house? - What for? I want to practice a new skateboard trick! - Why do you want to do it at Uncle Tim's house? - Because the TV said: "do not try this at home! I've got the fire extinguisher!
dr070918 -- Don't tuck in your shirt, Ralph! - It doesn't look good like that! - We're going to a nice restaurant, and I want you to look your best! - How's this? Maybe we'll just order a pizza!
dr070919 -- Wally, you got nose prints all over the glass door! - Now I have to clean it again! - Darn that Wally! - Donuts Darn that Mr. Drabble!
dr070920 -- CRUCH CRUCH Ralph, will you please clean out the attic? - What did you say, honeybunch? - CRUCH CRUNCH CRUNCH I asked you to clean out the attic! - Say what? Never try to talk to Ralph when he's eating pork rinds!
dr070921 -- - Hello, and welcome to Gasland! - We've installed televisions on all our gas pumps so we can play commercials and make even MORE money!!! - HA HA HA HA Just when I though buying gas couldn't get any more unpleasant!
dr070922 -- Wow! They're selling snow cones at the far end of the soccer field! - Would you like one, honeybunch? - Yes! That sounds good! OK! - Bring me back a red one!
dr070923 -- - FORE!!! - - WHACK! - SEE?!! Maybe you'd do better if you exuded more confidence...
dr070924 -- Welcome To The Ballpark! I'm glad we could come to the baseball game, Ralph! - I love all the sights and sounds...and those unmistakable smells of the ballpark! Me too. - The hot dogs, the roasted peanuts, the team... - The team smells?
dr070924 -- They're already mathematically eliminated for next year! WE'RE NUMBER 29!!
dr070925 -- Look, Ralph! They're doing the "Kiss-Cam"! Huh? - They show couples on the big screen, they kiss, and the crowd cheers! - Maybe they'll put US on it! - I'm going to the bathroom! COME BACK HERE!
dr070926 -- Honeybunch, I know you're hoping that they put us on the "kiss-cam", but you have to be realistic! - There are 50,000 people in this stadium! - What are the chances they'd put US on the "kiss-cam"? - Pretty good, if you call ahead and give
dr070926 -- them your seat numbers! AAAHH!
dr070927 -- Ralph, come on! We're on the "kiss-cam"! - If you kiss me, the crowd will cheer! If you don't, we'll get booed and pelted with stadium trash! - - Well?? I'M THINKING IT OVER!
dr070928 -- Ralph, I know you're embarrassed to be on the "kiss-cam! in front of 50,000 people... - But if you don't kiss me, you will suffer the consequences! Hey, I'm not afraid of being booed! - SMOOCH SMOOCH KISS KISS KISS SMACK SMACK SMOOCH! - Oh,
dr070928 -- those consequences! clap clap clap! You can be the "kisser" or the "kissee"! Yay! Cheer!
dr070929 -- Watch the big screen, Wendy! It's time for the "kiss-cam"! - I called the stadium earlier, gave them our seat numbers, and asked them to put us on the "kiss-cam"! - KISS-CAM - I said, seats 17 and 18!!
dr070930 -- Norm, before I invite you to my study to have a father and son talk, give me a few more minutes to redecorate! - Redecorate?? How come? - I want my study to look exactly like Mr. Cleaver's study on "Leave It To Beaver." Why? - For
dr070930 -- inspiration! Everything I know about being a good father, I learned from watching all those great old black and white sitcoms! - OK! Come in! - Wow! Nice job! Have a seat, Beav...I mean, Norm!
dr071001 -- Anti-snoring nasal strips, and one box of gas-away pills... - Gee, it must be fun to live with! - ...a half gallon of ice cream, and a box of donuts. Not exactly a health nut, are you? - Aren't grocery checkers supposed to mind their own
dr071001 -- business? Yes, but I'm retiring tomorrow!
dr071002 -- Ralph, will you please carry in the groceries? No sweat! - And will you put away all the frozen foods? No sweat! - And then will you vacuum out the car? - I'm starting to dampen.
dr071003 -- I HATE these automatic paper towel dispensers!! - I'm waving my hands around, but nothing's happening! I can't tell if it has a motion sensor or a heat sensor or... - WHIFF! - It has an INTELLIGENCE sensor!
dr071004 -- @*!!!!*!! - - That's enough of the computer games for now! Time to do my homework! - Now THAT'S a power point!
dr071005 -- I'm home! - Home?? You mean you were gone??! Yes, I went shopping! - Do you mean to tell me I had the house all to myself and I didn't even KNOW it?? - I could have been ENJOYING MYSELF!! Nice to see you, dear!
dr071006 -- There's a very good reason you shouldn't drink milk from the carton! - Why? - Because I do it, too! - SPFFF!!
dr071007 -- Hmmm... - - TV clickers... - - Aerosol cheese - - - Going on pockets on wash day takes forever since Ralph started wearing cargo pants!
dr071008 -- Here's your new cell phone, Ralph! New cell phone?? - Why would I want a new cell phone? I just figured out how to use my OLD cell phone! - I signed up for a new plan, and we're getting new phones! How come? - Let's start this conversation
dr071008 -- over: here's your new cell phone, Ralph!! Thank you!
dr071009 -- Ralph, you'll love this new cell phone! I don't want a new cell phone! - It even has a camera! Why would I need a camera in my cell phone?? - Am I supposed to take pictures of myself?? Of course not! - It doesn't have a wide-angle lens!
dr071010 -- I'm glad you're reading the instruction manual, Ralph! - Your new cell phone will be easy to use if you just make an effort to learn now! Stop being afraid of modern technology! - Thanks for finally deciding to join the 21st century! - This
dr071010 -- is the instruction manual for my eight-track tape player!
dr071011 -- Oh, honeybunch... - Wha...? click! - DELETE THAT PICTURE IMMEDIATELY!! I'm starting to dig this camera phone!
dr071012 -- - - - Mom's right. A roll of paper towels doesn't go as far as it used to! Now let's try the toothpaste!
dr071013 -- WAAAAAHHH!! - Penny, what's wrong? sniff - I asked dad if there was macaroni and cheese in heaven, and he said no!! - Well, think about it, honeybunch! In heaven, the macaroni would be so good, it wouldn't NEED cheese!
dr071014 -- Bakersfield, California! - Pottstown, Pennsylvania! chucke chucke! snort! - Missoula, Montana! HA HA HA HA hee hee hee - Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan! HEE ha ha haha HEE HA HA hee hee - Walla Walla, Washington! WWAAAH HA HA HA HA HA snort! snort! -
dr071014 -- What on earth is so funny?? Dad's doing his Larry King impression! Chattanooga, Tennessee! Hallo!
dr071015 -- I still can't figure out how to work this stupid cell phone! - Ralph, you're just technologically hopeless! That's not true!! - I'm just very, very tired! - Why are you tired? - I have to stay up to watch the late late show because I can't
dr071015 -- figure out how to program the VCR!
dr071016 -- Want fries with your chili dog, Mr. Drabble? No thanks. - Onion rings? Nachos? Chips? Nope. - How come? Because I just had dinner an hour ago! - No wonder I can't lose any weight. Everyone tries to tempt me!
dr071017 -- - - You should probably fix the roof before the rainy season! It's on my "to do" list.
dr071018 -- It's really coming down outside, mom! - I don't think we should have to go to school today! Yeah, it's probably closed, anyway. - Oh, I doubt it... - I've never heard of a school being "leafed" out! It could happen!
dr071019 -- - - AAAAHH! - It can be fun having a husband who gets up at night and tries to find out where I hid the Halloween candy!
dr071020 -- I tend to eat all the Halloween candy before the trick-or-treaters even get to my house! - They're getting wise to me, though... - Every year they show up earlier and earlier! - TRICK OR TREAT! Sorry, you're too late again!
dr071021 -- Isn't modern science amazing, honeybunch? - Who knew that one little pill could make such a difference?! - I feel like my old self again! - I never thought I'd be able to enjoy life to the fullest anymore! - But thanks to the wonders of
dr071021 -- medicine, I have a new lease on life! - All right! Enough, already! - Hurry up and take that lactose pill before your ice cream melts!
dr071022 -- - tap tap tap - AAAAAAHHH!!! - That's a mean thing to do to someone who's watching "Creature From The Black Lagoon."
dr071023 -- Hello! How can I help you today? - We'll lift the eyes...remove these deep creases, and sculpt your nose! - But first, some liposuction! "Pumpkin Carver, 90210"
dr071024 -- - - - Thweet! I only mithed thoo! Interesting way of eating a bowl of candy corn!
dr071025 -- carve carve carve - - carve carve carve - Why don't YOU just sit on the front porch?
dr071026 -- Ralph, you should have read the invitation more carefully... Sorry, honeybunch. - It's the weekend before Halloween! I just assumed it was a costume party!
dr071027 -- Great Halloween decorations, Ralph! - I love the spiders and cobwebs all over your house! - And the bones scattered around the front yard are a nice touch! - Great job! I haven't put up any Halloween decorations!
dr071028 -- The autumn leaves are really pretty! - If you look at them closely, you'll be amazed at how highly detailed they are! - Wow! You're right! - They even have nutritional information! Ralph, if you're going to eat all of our Halloween candy,
dr071028 -- find a better hiding place! This was perfect until the leaves started falling!
dr071029 -- Here it is! The dumbest-looking pumpkin in the entire patch! Way to go, mom! - The dumbest-looking pumpkin always makes the best jack-o'-lantern! - How did you ever find it, mom? - Let's just say I have a knack for picking out the
dr071029 -- dumb-looking ones!
dr071030 -- OK, guys! It's time to put on your costumes! - I understand the "Halloweener Dog", but what's with the bird?? Trick or tweet!
dr071031 -- chirp chirp! - trick or treat - ...sigh... - I miss the good old days before text messaging!
dr071101 -- Halloween is over...the kids are in bed! Now, where did they hide their bags of candy? - - - Now I know why they all wanted to use pillow cases!
dr071102 -- Time to take down the Halloween decorations! - What about the signs? I think I'll leave those up in case any of your relatives drop by for the holidays. Turn back now! Trespassers will be eaten! Go away! This means you!! Beware
dr071103 -- Dad, can I drive the car to the store? I suppose. - Be careful! - Don't drive too fast, don't talk on the cell phone, and don't tailgate! - AND DON'T CHANGE ALL MY RADIO BUTTONS!!
dr071104 -- - tweet tweet tweet tweet -  tweet tweety tweet tweet -  tweety tweet tweet tweet -  tweet tweet tweet tweet - AAAAAHHH!! THERE'S A BIRD IN MY PANTS!!  tweety tweet tweet tweet! - It was probably kind of mean, but I changed his ring tone when
dr071104 -- he wasn't looking!
dr071105 -- Dad, I've decided to become a ventriloquist! - I'd like you to meet Pancho! Say hello, Pancho! - Hi! My name is Toncho! I'm a hand puppet! - Ow! That gave me a cramp! I guess I'll have to live vicariously through YOUR achievements, Patrick!
dr071106 -- I'm fat! No, you aren't! - You're just saying that because you have to! I am not! - You mean, you WOULDN'T feel like you had to tell me I wasn't fat?? Uhhh... - Boy, what an uncompassionate LOUT! What happened here??
dr071107 -- I'm fat! Honeybunch, you look the same as you did when I married you! - So, you're saying I was fat when we got married?? - That's the meanest thing you've ever said to me! No it isn't! - What about last night when I said, "this is the best
dr071107 -- dinner you've ever made"??
dr071108 -- I don't understand...it's 7:00 A.M., and those morning TV hosts are Chipper and Perky and look like a million bucks! - I prefer the hosts of the OTHER morning show. - Good morning. What's good about it?! They're more realistic!
dr071109 -- Watch this...I saw it on "Stupid Pet Tricks"... - I put a cookie on his nose like this, and he can't eat it until I say so! - I love it when he starts to drool!
dr071110 -- ...sigh... - I KNOW I'm in the slowest-moving lane, honeybunch! I'll move over as soon as I can!! - - Force of habit!
dr071111 -- KLUNK! - roll roll - - - trip! - - - Penny, the next time I order you to get me a soda, move a little faster! Just don't open that until I get back into the house!
dr071112 -- Hi, dad! No. - Why do you always assume I'm going to ask you for money? No. - Why can't I just say hi to you without thinking I want something? No. - I promise to pay you back! No.
dr071113 -- One pack of gum and one quart of milk. - Do you have any coupons? No. - Do you have a V.I.P. customer savings card? No. - What a loser! That'll be $35! Something tells me I need one of those V.I.P. customer savings cards!
dr071114 -- We're running late, Ralph. - I'll have to put on my makeup while you're driving! - In that case, I'll go really really slow! - I MEANT BECAUSE IT WOULD BE LESS BUMPY!!
dr071115 -- WHIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR Did you ask one of the kids to vacuum upstairs? No. - WHIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR That probably is not a good sound then, is it? It's never good when the kids vacuum without being asked!
dr071116 -- Yes! Paper Towels 1/2 Off - Why so many paper towels? You can "T.P." a house in half the time!
dr071117 -- YANK! - pull! pull! tug! pull! yank! tug! - ...sigh...
dr071118 -- Check out my new satellite dish, Ralph! - I now receive programming from the world over! I can watch sports all day long! - In fact, I'm going inside now to watch a little basketball! See ya, Ralph! See ya, Steinbauer! - Ahh, this is the
dr071118 -- life! - ? - - What the... - Hee hee!
dr071119 -- Wendy, I can envision spending the rest of my life with you! - So can I, Norman. Wow! Really?? - Absolutely. - Because if you drip chili on me one more time tonight, I'm going to kill you! Thorry!
dr071120 -- What's on TV? - Another presidential debate. - How come I don't recognize any of the candidates? - It's for the 2012 election! Boy, the campaigns really ARE starting earlier and earlier!
dr071121 -- Ralph, you've been saying you were going to fix the roof since last spring! - So when do you plan to get around it? - I'm shooting for the weekend! He puts the "pro" in procrastinator!
dr071122 -- Hi, uncle Vern! Ralph! What brings YOU here?! - Well, last summer, you invited us up for thanksgiving dinner, so we made the long drive and here we are! - Ralph, here in Canada, we celebrate thanksgiving in OCTOBER! Oh yeah, huh. - This is
dr071122 -- why I don't like to put you in charge of things!
dr071123 -- - I always wondered how they put the decorations on the top of the mall's Christmas tree! The hard part is standing it back up!
dr071124 -- - And I thought I was a good dad because I had pictures of my kids in my WALLET!
dr071125 -- Ralph, why are you so dressed up?? - We're just going to the movies, you know! In the old days, people always dressed up for the movies because they recognized the cultural significance of the cinema. I happen to feel the same way. - Also, I
dr071125 -- refuse to pay six bucks for a bucket of popcorn! You have melted butter running down the side of your head!
dr071126 -- Poor Wally! - I feel bad that you have to be on a leash. But then again, you ARE just a dog! - We humans don't need to be on leashes because we are smarter than...oops, hold on... - Hello? Yes, dear...I'm just walking the dog...
dr071127 -- - - You don't see many mall cops wearing a cape! - And don't you forget it!
dr071128 -- Care to go to the movies tonight, honeybunch? Are you kidding???!! - Tonight is Christmas eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve EVE!! - This is traditionally a very busy night
dr071128 -- for me! - What could I have been THINKING?? If all goes well, I might have a little time on Christmas eve eve eve eve eve!
dr071129 -- Why do you always flip through the channels so fast? How can you possibly decide whether to watch a program when you only give it a split second?? flip flip flip flip - Why do you always turn the pages so fast? How can you possibly understand
dr071129 -- the complex concepts that the author worked so hard to...
dr071130 -- ...a can of aerosol cheddar cheese, a can of sharp cheese, a can of American cheese and a can of nacho cheese! - Ralp Drabble's "Four Cheese Pasta" coming right up! Whose idea was it to let dad cook dinner?
dr071201 -- ...sigh... What's wrong, Dad? - I can't find my reading glasses! - You don't WEAR reading glasses! Oh yeah, huh! - I've lost my mind! Try looking between the sofa cushions!
dr071202 -- I told you to slow down, dad! Now you're going to get a ticket!! - Relax, son. Watch how I handle this! - Hello, fellow officer! May I see your license and registration, please? - I'll give you one better! Here's my license, my registration,
dr071202 -- and my BADGE! - What kind of badge is THIS? - I happen to be a real, live mall cop! - And, since we're colleagues in law enforcement, I'm sure you'll want to extend a professional courtesy, and send me on my way! - That didn't work at all!
dr071202 -- I'll tell you one thing: If he ever tries on clothes at the mall, he better not take more than three items into the dressing room!
dr071203 -- We should throw out this chair. WHAT? - You can't throw out my favorite chair! It's taken me years to break it in just right! - It has to go! It's old and saggy and lumpy and stinky! - If you throw out that chair, you'll have to throw me out,
dr071203 -- too! You certainly meet the "throw out" criteria!
dr071204 -- WHERE'S MY CHAIR!! I hauled it to the dump this morning! - YOU WHAT??!! - I loved that chair!! It was in perfect condition! - Ralph, the DUMP didn't even want it! I had to pay a hazardous waste disposal fee! I need to find it before wrestling
dr071204 -- comes on!!
dr071205 -- I've got to get to the dump before it closes! I can't believe my wife threw out my favorite chair!! - What are the odds of finding it?! I'll be like looking for a needle in a haystack! - May I help you? MY CHAIR!!
dr071206 -- That is MY CHAIR!! No it isn't. It's mine! - It was brought to the dump this morning because nobody wanted it! - Why anyone would part with such a comfortable chair is beyond me, but who am I to question my good fortune?! - How can my day get
dr071206 -- any worse? Speaking of fortunes, look at all the money I found under the cushions!
dr071207 -- I demand that you surrender my chair immediately!! Only if you can prove it's yours! - OK! Look under the front of the chair, on the right-hand side, behind the skirt! - See that orange stain? That's where I wipe my fingers after I eat
dr071207 -- cheetos! - You call that proof? Everyone dose that! I WANT MY CHAIR!
dr071208 -- I want that chair back! It's mine and I love it! I don't believe you. - If you love this chair so much, explain to me how it could possibly  have ended up at the dump? - Did I mention that I'm married? - How did you get it back? He finally
dr071208 -- believed me!
dr071209 -- putt! - roll roll roll - - bounce bounce! - bouncy bounce! CRACK! - BING BANG - FORE! - I've never heard anyone yell "fore" after a putt! OW!
dr071210 -- Isn't that cute?! - There's nothing like young love. - Come on, Ralph! Get off your keister! Help me carry these bags! We've got a lot more shopping to do!! ...especially OLD love!
dr071211 -- Here's another package to carry, dear! - Ahem! - Sorry, wrong husband!
dr071212 -- OK, Wally...on your mark, get set... GO! - - - - Trimming the tree goes faster when you involve everyone in the family! pant pant pant
dr071213 -- Every year, the Christmas decorations go up earlier and earlier around here! - The carols have been playing since October! - It makes the mall seem low key! Have a good day at work, Ralph!
dr071214 -- Bye, honeybunch! I'm off to work! - I'm glad she likes to decorate for the holidays, but sometimes I think she overdoes it! - Like when she decorates my air freshener!
dr071215 -- Honeybunch, you know I always love it when you decorate for Christmas... - But you've got to know when to quit! Are you saying you don't like the indoor snow machine?
dr071216 -- You kids are so impatient! Yeah, maybe we should wait until it snows a little more before we build a snowman! Wait! Here comes one more! Maybe it would look better with a hat!
dr071217 -- Happy holidays! Love, the Drabbles! - Your turn. ...sigh... - PS: I'm sorry I look like such a dweeb. -Ralph - If it looks so bad, why are we using the picture for our family-photo card?? Because everyone else looked good!
dr071218 -- chirp chirp! - It's from dad. - eJumw bifppvk +oaaa+. .tbq k - People over 40 shouldn't even TRY to send text messages!
dr071219 -- It's no use. Don't give up. dad... - I know it's hard for a man your age to learn hoe to send text messages, but the key is practice, practice, and more practice! - But that's probably enough practice for one day! Ow!
dr071220 -- Delivering secret Santa cookies is so much fun! Park here, Ralph! Our first family lives over there! - Here, take the cookies to the front door, ring the bell and run back before anyone sees you! Why do I have to do it?? - Because it's SO
dr071220 -- MUCH FUN! Oh, yeah, huh! - Just go with the flow, dad! Every time I go with the flow, I get soaked!
dr071221 -- OK, dad...here's how the "Secret Santa" thing works... - We leave a plate of cookies on the doorstep, ring the bell and run back to the car before they see us! - OK, hand me the plate of... - COOKIE?? Don't worry. I left the biggest one.
dr071222 -- Here, Ralph. You can deliver secret Santa cookies to the Byrnes! - Leave the cookies on the porch, ring the bell and run back to the car before they see you! I know, I know! - He rang the bell! Here he comes! I've never seen him run so fast!
dr071222 -- - WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THEY HAD A DOG?! Oh, don't be such a baby!
dr071223 -- 'twas the night before Christmas... - 'twas?? Short for "it was"! They should've just SAID "it was"! Yeah, they only saved one letter! - When all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. They had MICE?! Everyone had
dr071223 -- mice in those days. That's disgusting! - The stockings were hung by the chimney with care... Yeah, right. If they did anything with care, they wouldn't have mice! Was this before the black plague? Aren't you supposed to hang them ON the
dr071223 -- chimney? - ...in hopes that Saint Nicholas soon would be there. "Saint Nicholas"?? Short for Santa Claus! Nah-Ahh! Saint Nicholas has 13 letters and Santa Claus only has 10! - That ended early! I didn't want to get into the dancing
dr071223 -- sugarplums!
dr071224 -- Well, I'd better get back to work, Ralph! - Last year, I got home an hour late, and I never heard the end of it! - Thanks for the midnight snack, and good luck with th in-laws tomorrow! See you next year! - He's a nice guy!
dr071225 -- A sweater for Wally? - What kind of dumb Christmas gift is that?? - What could look more stupid than a wiener dog wearing a sweater?? -
dr071226 -- HO! HO! HO! Santa! You came back!! - I just wanted to make sure everyone got what they wanted! We did! We did! - Yeah, right. I know why you really come back... - Here. I found your wallet in the fireplace! YES!!
dr071227 -- I don't understand it, Ralph. Why do you like to sit in the garage so much? - It's cold, and cluttered and uncomfortable! - You'd never find ME sitting out here! - Bingo!
dr081228 -- Well, it's that time of year again. - First, the holidays are upon us... - - Then the holiday BILLS are upon us!
dr081229 -- Welcome back to love songs on the radio! This song is dedicated to Bruce from Debbie! - Bruce, Debbie wants you to know how deeply she cares for you. She thinks about you night and day! - Her only desire is to spend every waking moment with
dr081229 -- you for ever and ever! Sniff! - HEAD FOR THE HILLS, BRUCE!!
dr081230 -- - - - - - - - Looks like the Christmas bills have started to arrive! At least his hair is getting exercise!
dr071231 -- Wendy, it's New Year's Eve, and I wondered if you'd care to go with me to Galtburger, to watch them lower the giant neon pickle at the stroke of midnight! - - Wow! Is she really thinking it over? No, I'm just trying to figure out if the dial
dr071231 -- tone is the key of C or D!
dr080101 -- I've got the chips, dip, pizza and soda! And I've got the candy, cookies, crackers and cheese! - What about your new year's resolution to avoid junk food? - New year's resolutions never go into effect until after the rose bowl!
dr080102 -- Ice cream?? - Ralph, it's the second day of January! - What about your new year's resolution to lose weight? - My resolutions don't take effect until you put away your Christmas CD's. oh, it's beginning to look a lot like...
dr080103 -- EVERYONE REMAIN CALM! - Walk in single file out of the door while I call 9-1-1! Ralph... - After we get outside, I will assess whether it is safe for me to come back and get our...what? Ralph... - I was just singing along with my iPod! Oh, I
dr080103 -- thought it was the smoke alarm!
dr080104 -- Nice doggie! Careful! She may bite! - Aww...she doesn't look like she'd... - GRRRRRR! - Told you! Some dog owners are very temperamental!
dr080105 -- Sorry, my bad! Excuse me. My fault entirely! - I'm so sorry. I beg your pardon. Whoops, my mistake. - What are you doing? - Just warming up for the day ahead!
dr080106 -- - SNIFFFFFFFF - Dang! - It's sad when you get into the car, and it no longer has that wonderful aroma! - Dad, our car hasn't had that new car smell for a really long time! - I'm not talking about THAT! - I'm talking about the aroma of
dr080106 -- pepperoni pizza that I enjoy for a day or two after driving home from the take-out!
dr080107 -- Hi, Stu! Hey, Norman! - Why are you standing around holding a dog? It's a great way to meet girls! - Every woman who walks by stops to pet the dog! Really?! - Can I hold it for a while? Go get your own dog! Aww!
dr080108 -- Aren't you adorable! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! - You use your dog to meet girls??! That's right. - What a great idea! How come I never thought of that?? - Probably because it's a great idea! I'm going home to get MY dog!
dr080109 -- I'm back. Where's your dog?? - Girls don't want to stop and talk to you unless you have a cute dog! - My dog is at the vet. I brought the next best thing... - OK, maybe the next next next next next best thing!
dr080110 -- Such a cute dog! Thanks for letting me pet him! - Eww, gross! - What's so gross about a duck??! You have a DUCK? Oh, I didn't see him! How cute!
dr080111 -- It's amazing, Stu! Every woman who walks by stops to pet your dog! - Yeah, it works like a charm! Oh, how cute!! - I didn't even know you HAD a dog! Can you keep a secret? smooch smooch - I don't! AAAAHH!!
dr080112 -- A PUPPET??! Are you SICK??! Actually, I do have a slight fever... - Are you guys so desperate to meet women that you stand around holding puppets in hopes that we'll think they're REAL? - What a couple of weirdos! - I'm not a weirdo! This
dr080112 -- happens to be a real duck! Let's go home, Spot!
dr080113 -- Remember, Ralph, tell them not to grill my Hamburger bun! I want only a teensy bit of mustard, and tell them to use soft lettuce instead of the crunch kind. And ask them to substitute zucchini for french fries! - - - Why are we going backward
dr080113 -- into the drive-through?? - I'd rather let your mother order for herself! ...and use soft lettuce instead of the crunchy kind! And substitute zucchini for french fries...
dr080114 -- Sweet! I'm down to 225! - Dad, the scale says you weigh 250! - Hey, if 50 is the new 40 then 250 is the new 225!
dr080115 -- - I have a weak chin! - Oh well...so do I, son! - Yeah, but at least you've got two of them!
dr080116 -- Where is my cell phone?? I know it's in the house someplace! - Call your call phone from your home phone, and listen for the ring! - Good idea! -
dr080117 -- - YEEOW!! - THAT is your scratching post, THIS is my leg!! And you point is...? pick pick claw scratch
dr080118 -- ...SIGH... - We should get a DVD player for the car! - Then we could watch movies during these long, boring car rides! - These long, boring car rides to school take 3 1/2 minutes! I know! It's so LONG!
dr080119 -- You sure have a lot of equipment on your belt, dad! - A mall cop must be ready for anything, son! - You have keys, handcuffs, mace, a baton, a walkie-talkie... - A bottle of ketchup? Like I said, I'm ready for anything!
dr080120 -- - - - - -
dr080121 -- Dad, I've decided to become a high-powered attorney! - Have a seat. I want to practice my interrogation techniques! - Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? No. - Aw, come on, dad! Please?? Not unless you
dr080121 -- say "Pretty Please".
dr080122 -- Mr. Drabble, is it true you started a strict diet one week ago? Yes. - On the day you started your diet, you also got your car washed and vacuumed, did you not? Yes. - How, then, do you explain the presence of THIS in your car?! A donut
dr080122 -- sprinkle?? - Yes, Ralph. How DO you explain that? I think I need a lawyer!
dr080123 -- I can explain why the donut sprinkle was in my car! Please do, Mr. Drabble. - Although I am on a strict diet, it was my turn to bring donuts to work yesterday. - When I stopped for a redlight, the box fell on the floor, and a sprinkle must
dr080123 -- have fallen off! I see. - OK, I have to go now. Remain seated, Mr. Drabble, The prosecution has not concluded its questioning!
dr080124 -- Mr. Drabble, do you maintain that you've strictly adhered to your diet for the past week? I do. - How, then, do you explain the presence of this chocolate chip on the passenger seat of your car?? - Simple. I picked up a hitchhiker who turned
dr080124 -- out to be "Famous Amos." - Wow! He thinks pretty fast under pressure! I can't wait to hear how he explains the "Nutter Butter" in his pants pocket!
dr080125 -- The evidence against you is overwhelming. - Since you began your diet one week ago, we've found pork rinds in your glove compartment, chocolate on your steering wheel and peanut butter in your shoe! - What do you have to say for yourself? -
dr080125 -- BURP! Sounds like a confession to me!
dr080126 -- Norm! You have bedhead! - So? - It's 4:30 in the afternoon! - If, YOU can have five o'clock shadow by ten A.M., I can have bedhead at 4:30!
dr080127 -- Welcome back to love songs on the radio! - This song is dedicated to Nicole from Andrew! Nicole, Andrew wants you to know how very, very much he loves you! - His only desire in life is to be your companion forever and ever! To walk with you
dr080127 -- and talk with you! To share his innermost feelings with you! Sniff! - He wants to bask in your smile and kiss away your tears! He feels your touch in the gentle breeze, and sees your face in the... - BLLEAAHH!! - Sorry, folks, I was afraid
dr080127 -- I'd do that one day! NOW can I switch to sports talk??
dr080128 -- - - I got tired of building snowmen! How much longer do I have to pose?? I'm getting frostbeak!
dr080129 -- I don't understand why I'm not losing weight on my new diet! - What have you been eating? - Low-fat yogurt, non-fat cheese, reduced-fat peanut butter, skim milk, light ice cream, low-fat turkey dogs, sugar-free muffins... - And then for
dr080129 -- lunch...
dr080130 -- No one understands me! - What are you talking about? See what I mean??!
dr080131 -- Care for a min, Norman? Thank you! - Some gum? How thoughtful? - Tic Tac? A peppermint stick? Gee, it's my lucky day! - A bottle of mouthwash? Wow! You're so nice!
dr080201 -- Supermarket That's a lot of chips and soda, Mr. Drabble! - Stocking up for Super Bowl Sunday? - No, I'll do that tomorrow. - Today, I'm just stocking up for "Channel Surfing Saturday"!
dr080202 -- Time for annual Groundhog Day tradition... - - Nope. - It dad can't see his toes it means he has six more weeks of dieting! Darned Christmas cookies!
dr080203 -- Ooooohh! What's wrong, dad? - When will I ever learn? Every Super Bowl Sunday, I do the same thing... - I eat chips and dip until I'm sick! - I eat sandwiches and ice cream and drink soda until I feel like I'm going to explode! - I'm going
dr080203 -- upstairs to bed! Call me when the game starts!
dr080204 -- No-Neck! Moose! What brings YOU here?! Official business, Ralph! - We are her eon behalf of the Polecat Lodge... - Of which you have always been a member in good standing. - Until now! Yeah! Uh-oh!
dr080205 -- Ralph, as you know, the Polecat Lodge holds its annual summer games every fall. - You have participated in these games, and hold many athletic records which may never be broken. - Some say I'm a shoo-in for the Polecat Lodge Hall Of Fame! -
dr080205 -- Not anymore! Your accomplishments are under a cloud of suspicion! I won that sack race fair and square!!
dr080206 -- Ralph, some of the individual records from the Polecat Lodge Summer Games have been called into question. - Allegations of performance enhancers have surfaced. - An investigation was undertaken. And...? - Your name has been listed in the
dr080206 -- "No-Neck Report." Page 4,376!
dr080207 -- Ralph, the records you set at the Polecat Lodge Summer Games are under a cloud of suspicion. Why?? - Your name has been linked to performance enhancers! - What in the world are you talking about?? - Reliable sources tell us you ate a box of
dr080207 -- "Red Hots" prior to winning the Root Beer Chug-A-Lug! Say it ain't so, Ralph!
dr080208 -- Ralph, the evidence against you is DARNING! "Darning"?? This is a family strip! - You ingested a performance enhancer prior to winning the wheelbarrow race! - What performance enhancer??! - You ate an entire can of cake frosting! So? That's
dr080208 -- what I have for lunch EVERY day! Come to think of it, he does!
dr080209 -- Ralph, your use of performance enhancers has tarnished the image of the Polecat Lodge Summer Games! - We must strip you of your first-place trophy in the eggs toss competition! - Oh, and one more thing... scribble scribble - I can live
dr080209 -- without the trophy, but did you HAVE TO draw an asterisk on my nose??!!
dr080210 -- - - - - - - - Sometimes it's very hard to concentrate around here!
dr080211 -- Ralph, are you sure you want to eat that ice cream? - The doctor said you should be trying to achieve your ideal weight! - No problem, honeybunch... - I achieved it years ago! Apparently, dad's an OVER-achiever!
dr080212 -- To Sammy. Love, Penny. - To Melissa. Your friend, Penny. - TO Kendall. Don't get excited. I still hate your guts! Penny. - I hate having to give a valentine to every person in my class!
dr080213 -- Here's a box of candy, Norman. Happy Valentine's day! Wendy! How Thoughtful of you! - Not really. Somebody gave it to me and I didn't want it! - It was nice of you to give it to me! I just got tired of carrying it around. - And I ate all the
dr080213 -- good ones. Still...
dr080214 -- Cash?? That's your Valentine's Day gift to me?? CASH?? - What's wrong with cash, honeybunch?? It's so impersonal! - You didn't put any THOUGH into it! I put a LOT of thought into it! - Look! There are 3 fives, a couple of tens, 9 ones, and 4
dr080214 -- quarters!
dr080215 -- push push press press - kzzt#71 bliigle oo cwi..*df - Dad's text messages are impossible to read! - I can't held it. I have poor thumbmanship!
dr080216 -- - - - I'm always the waver, never the wavee!
dr080217 -- Dad, you should buy a DVD player for the car! NEVER! - Why not? All our friends have them! Yeah, they get to watch movies during long, boring drives! - You don't need to be entertained by modern technology every waking moment! - I want you to
dr080217 -- look out the window and see this great, big, beautiful country of ours! - How will you ever learn your way around if you're watching a TV?? - Besides, a long car ride is the perfect opportunity to clear your mind and ponder what really
dr080217 -- matters in life! - I think I made an impression, honeybunch! It got pretty quiet in here, didn't it? - They're all texting!
dr080218 -- Honeybunch! Norman said he wants to be an OPTOMETRIST! - Isn't that great??! He's finally given thought to a career! - What made you decide to be an optometrist, son? - I figure there's enough PESSIMISM in the world! Never mind.
dr080219 -- May I take your order? I'll have the chicken salad. - Coming right up! You didn't take MY order! - Read the fine print. "We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone." - Dang! This just isn't my day! I'll give you one of my croutons.
dr080220 -- Hello! New in Town? - My name is Bob. What is yours? Hello? - Voce fala Ingles? - Maybe buying a rubber ducky wasn't such a good idea!
dr080221 -- squeaky squeak squeak - squeak squeak squeaky - OK! I'm ready for lunch! Lint rollers don't count. Go back, and wash your hands!
dr080222 -- - Excuse me...will you take our picture? Sure! - SNAP! -
dr080223 -- - Why are you wearing a Halloween shirt? - Don't you realize it's February? - If you can wear a mask, I can wear a shirt!
dr080224 -- - Bob! flap flap flap flap - What are YOU doing here?? pant pant puff puff - You have a message tied to your leg?? - Dear Patrick, I will pick you up from the library at 4:30. Yours truly, dad - I take it your father has given up trying to
dr080224 -- learn how to send text messages! This method seems to be a little easier for him!
dr080225 -- PLOP! - PLOP! - I have to give him credit. At least he warns people when he's in a bad mood!
dr080226 -- - - If you'll let me borrow your cup holder, you can help yourself to an occasional sip!
dr080227 -- FINE! GOODBYE!! - My brother Bud is so inconsiderate! - He called me to remind me that today is our sister's birthday, and that I should call her! - What's wrong with that? He wouldn't tell me which sister!
dr080328 -- Why are you swimming in my water dish? Ducks like water. - Can't you find someplace else to swim? - Sorry. It's the only place available. - Someone left the lid down on the porcelain pond again!
dr080329 -- Today is February 29th, Penny! It's leap year day! I know. It's not fair! - Why does it have to be in FEBRUARY?? - Why can't they put the extra day in summer vacation or spring break? - I never thought of that! Better yet, they could squeeze
dr080329 -- it in between Saturday and sundae!
dr080301 -- Good evening, parents! Welcome to another exciting little league season! - I'm coach Rick, and I'll be running your child's team! - My own son will be the star of the team, doing most of the pitching and batting clean-up! He'll play every
dr080301 -- inning of every game! - I decided to become a coach for one reason: to ensure that my son makes the all-star team and gets a big trophy! - If your child id not a good hitter, that's fine. I'll teach him never to swing the bat, and to try to
dr080301 -- get hit by a pitch! - I will teach your child what little I know about baseball, unless he starts getting better than *my* son. Then your child will get benched. - Hey, at least this coach is honest! For my year-end coach's gift, I'd like a
dr080301 -- gift certificate from Ted's Steak House!
dr080302 -- What do you think of my new dress, Ralph? - scribble scribble scribble - SSHHHRRIKK! - Hmmm..."hideous" is 1 1/8 inches long... - "interesting" is 1 11/16 inches long... - "unique" is only 7/8 inches long. - Unique! Over the years, dad has
dr080302 -- learned to measure his words carefully!
dr080303 -- Sigh What's wrong? - I have to write a column for the Pole-Cat Lodge Newsletter but I can't think of anything! - I have a bad case of writer's cramp! - Don't you mean writer's BLOCK?? No. Whenever I'm blank, I get nervous and eat too many
dr080303 -- peanuts!
dr080304 -- Dang! I have to write a column for the Polecat Loge Newsletter, but I have writer's block! - Relax, dad! You can't have writer's block! Why not? - Because you're not a writer! So? - I have an athlete's foot and I'm not an athlete!!
dr080305 -- If you have writer's block, it helps to pace back and forth! - They say it gets the creative juices flowing. - HEY! I think it's WORKING! - False alarm. I'm just getting sweaty!
dr080306 -- Have you thought of a subject for your column? Nope. - I don't understand why it should be so difficult for a well-informed guy like me to think of something to write! - Why don't you just write something about the upcoming elections? - We're
dr080306 -- having an election?
dr080307 -- - - -
dr080308 -- Have you thought of anything to write for the newsletter, Ralph? Nope. - When is your column due? In two hours. - You're in trouble! Hey, some people do their best work under pressure! - And if you happen to know anyone like that, please ask
dr080308 -- them to come help me!
dr080309 -- RING! - RING! ...sigh... - RING! Oops! kick! - RING! Stub! OW! - RING! RRROOWR!! - HELLO! - Hi, dad! I'm just calling to see when Mom wants me to come downstairs for lunch. - By the way, what's all that racket down there? ...Hello? - Tell me
dr080309 -- again why we thought Norman needed a cell phone.
dr080310 -- - He looks even scarier in high definition! Z
dr080311 -- Officer, this young man is behaving rudely! - - DON'T GLARE AT ME, BRO! DON'T GLARE AT ME!!! - Who needs a taser when you've got "The Glare"?!
dr080312 -- Mall Cop Headquarters Meeting In Progress Keep Out! Fellow mall-cops, some of our crime-fighting techniques have come under scrutinity. - Therefore, we will no longer be using the "Mall Cop Restraining Device." Aww! - The good news is, if
dr080312 -- anyone can get Mr. Smith out of it, he promises not to sue!
dr080313 -- Goooooooooodd... - Mooorrrrninnng... - What are you doing? Rehearsing. - I have to give a ten-minute oral report in school tomorrow!
dr080314 -- Supermarket May I help you, Mr. Drabble? I have a complaint... - The chips are on aisle 2, the ice cream is on aisle 7, the soda is on aisle 12 and the donuts are on aisle 18. - If you could put all the things I normally buy on the same
dr080314 -- aisle, it would save me a lot of walking around! - Actually, Ralph, we figure you need all the exercise you can get!
dr080315 -- Your grand total comes to $64.92 Wait, I've got some coupons. - Can't you at least cut them out of the newspaper, first? Do I have to do EVERYTHING??!
dr080316 -- Why is that such a popular spot? It's one of the few places in town that doesn't get cell phone reception!
dr080317 -- Management just doesn't understand, No-Neck... - Every mall cop must have that all-important INTIMIDATION FACTOR! I know, Ralph, bur they want us to look festive! - Happy St. Patrick's Day! I think on Easter, I'll just call in sick!
dr080318 -- I think I need to see the doctor! - Yes, make an appointment immediately, honeybunch! You look TERRIBLE! - You look like you're a hundred years old! - I need to see the doctor because I strained my thumb! I meant, of course, a very YOUNG
dr080318 -- hundred!
dr080319 -- SIGH! - One would think you'd have a more comfortable stomach! One would, would one?
dr080320 -- Sorry you can't go out with me tonight, Wendy. Maybe next time! - ...OK, maybe the time after that, then! - ...well, OK, then. Maybe the time after that! - OK, well then maybe...
dr080321 -- So Wendy didn't want to go out with you, eh Norm? Well, don't be discouraged. I'm not! - She said she couldn't go out this time... - Or next time, or the time after that or the time after that. - But she said nothing about the time after
dr080321 -- that! I'm glad she left a crack in the door!
dr080322 -- Norman, you keep asking Wendy for a date, and she always turns you down. - Why do you keep asking her? - Because when I was a little kid, dad, you told me to never give up! - Since when do you ever listen to ME?? I think I'll call her again!
dr080323 -- Mom! Dad! Wake up!! - The Easter Bunny forgot to  hide eggs! WHAT?? - He better NOT have forgotten!! - We can't find any eggs anywhere! OK, OK...I'll check out! - Ah, yes...that easter bunny is pretty clever! - Look! He hid all the eggs in
dr080323 -- side this carton, and put it in the refrigerator! Wow! What a great hiding place!
dr080324 -- Family, I have an announcement to make! - As you know, I have worked as a mall cop for years. - Apparently, my capacity for greatness has finally been recognized! You mean... Yes, honeybunch. - I have been nominated to become the next chief
dr080324 -- justice of the food court!
dr080325 -- Congratulations on becoming the next chief justice of the food court, Dad! - It's not a done deal. The confirmation hearings are tomorrow. - Are you confident you'll be confirmed? Absolutely! - I already bought my outfit! I think you're
dr080325 -- supposed to wear pants under the robe, dad!
dr080326 -- Mall The food court confirmation hearings will now come to order! - Mall cop Drabble, congratulations on being nominated to be the next chief justice of the food court! Thank you, sir! - That's certainly an impressive array of medals you've
dr080326 -- accumulated! - Hey, those are my boy scout merit badges!! Shhhhh!! Go ride the escalator for a while!
dr080327 -- Mall cop Drabble, what qualifications do you have to become chief justice of the food court? - My experience as a mall cop has prepared me for this office! - I have dined in this food court every day for the past 25 years! - Often 2 or 3
dr080327 -- times a day! Yeah, he may even be OVERqualified! - DON'T HELP ME!
dr080328 -- Mall cop Drabble, if you are confirmed to become the next chief justice of the food court... - Do you intend to legislate from the bench? - Absolutely not! - I'm hoping they'll give me a big, comfortable chair!
dr080329 -- Mall cop Drabble, we need a person of integrity to be the next chief justice of the food court. - Whenever I give away free samples of my Teriyaki chicken, you always take more than one! - And then, you don't even BUY anything!! Therefore, we
dr080329 -- reject your nomination! - This hearing is adjourned! Would you like your toothpicks back?
dr090330 -- When I was a kid, my dad made sure that his family always sat together at the dinner table and communicated! - Now that I'M a father, my family sits together and communicates, too. - Unfortunately, just not with each other! *chirp* text text
dr090330 -- press *chirp* press press text text *chirp* *chirp* text text press press
dr080331 -- I'm home! bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark - You dumb do! Don't you recognize me? - - You're a hard guy to recognize from down here!
dr080401 -- Norman, I've come to the realization that I've been wrong about you... - You are actually a pretty swell guy, and I'd like to spend more time with you! - Very funny, Wendy! APRIL FOOL TO YOU, TOO! - I hope!
dr080402 -- The wife is mad at me. - She's making me sleep on the couch! - Why can't you sleep on your OWN couch? Let's just say she's pretty mad!
dr080403 -- Maybe I shouldn't go to work. I don't feel so good! - How do I look? - Like a million bucks. Really? - Yeah, lumpy and greenish!
dr080404 -- Hi, Stu! Hey, Becky! - Hi, Stu! Helly, Kelli! - Gee, Stu! You're suddenly getting some positive attention from the ladies! - I've discovered that if I hang out with someone who's a bigger loser than I am, I seem more appealing!
dr080405 -- Hi, Stu! Why, hello, Monique! - The key to looking more desirable to the ladies is to always hang around someone who's a bigger loser than you are! - You should try it, Norman. - ...assuming you can find someone who fits in that description.
dr080405 -- I'm afraid the buck stops here.
dr080406 -- Whoa Look at that! What, honeybunch? - You're getting "Old Guy Neck"! What??! - You're wrinkly and saggy! You're getting "Old Guy Neck"! - OH YEAH?? WELL YOU'RE GETTING... - lovelier each and every day! Thank you, Ralph! - I may have "Old Guy
dr080406 -- Neck", but I'm too old to die!
dr080407 -- Here's the new heart, Mr. Drabble! Thank you, nurse! - SPLAT Oops! - THREE-SECOND RULE!! - Did you hear me, Wendy? I said I'm considering becoming a surgeon! Sorry. I was just trying to picture that!
dr080408 -- Hello? Oh, yeah...OK. 'Bye! - Who was it? It was Norman reminding me to turn off my cell phone in the theater!
dr080409 -- I'm back from the store! - I couldn't find the broccoli... - So I bought you a watermelon, instead. - I figured they were both green! I hop you'll enjoy your cream of watermelon soup!
dr080410 -- - - Tell me again why I wanted a cat! - Because my mother is allergic. Oh, yeah...nice kitty!
dr080411 -- - - What could be happier than a wiener dog in springtime? Me at a Las Vegas buffet!
dr080412 -- Z - Norman, it's almost noon! - ROLL OUT OF BED!! - KLUNK! Ow! He's so literal!
dr080513 -- Dad, LOOK!! - There's a SNAKE on our neighbor's roof! - Relax, it's fake. Our neighbor put it up there himself! - How come?? To scare away varmints, and keep birds from building nests on the house. - Some people put rubber snakes on top of
dr080513 -- their houses, some people use fake owls...it has to be something scary enough to frighten critters away! - Maybe you should put something scary on OUR roof! I already did! - Hey! What happened to the picture of my mother?
dr080414 -- - - - I see you've discovered Spider Solitaire!
dr080415 -- I'm feeling kind of down. How about some pancakes? - Pancakes? Pancakes make people happy. - It is impossible to be unhappy while eating a stack of pancakes! - It's worth a try, I guess! If you're seriously depressed, I'll make you waffles!
dr080416 -- You're right, dad! It's impossible to be sad when you're eating a stack of pancakes! - I have a question, though... - Is it proper to use a knife to cut pancakes, or can I just use a fork? - I may not be the best one to ask!
dr080417 -- I have another question about eating pancakes... - Is it better to pour syrup over each pancake, or just over the top pancake and let it drip down? - - What was the question? Never mind.
dr080418 -- See what I mean, Norm? - No one can be unhappy while they're eating pancakes! - YOU TWO MADE A MESS IN THE KITCHEN! YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELVES!! - Now I don't feel so happy again! No problem! I'll make some more!
dr080419 -- I've noticed that most of these prime-time game shows build the tension by stretching everything out! - - - Really?? We'll find out after this commercial break!
dr080420 -- - - - - - DING! KLUNK! STRIKE!! - Right into the elevator! I love mall cop bowling! - The mall closed a long time ago, How come dad isn't home from work yet? Mall cops must have a lot to do after hours!
dr080421 -- I'm becoming more health conscious. - My doctor told me to take an Aspirin tablet every day! - Good for you, dad! - Although, I can't imagine he told you to wash it down with chocolate syrup!
dr080422 -- Pancakes Dad! Why are there pictures of you in the window of a restaurant?? - It's the "Ralph Drabble Restaurant Rating System." - "Two tongues up"!
dr080423 -- I can't believe you have a restaurant rating system! - The public trusts my fast food opinions. Two "tongues up" means EXCELLENT. - One tongue means AVERAGE. - I don't care for this place!
dr090424 -- Let's see...I need to check the calendar... - What the heck?? - Honeybunch, why is last year's calendar hanging on the wall? - Because the pictures are much prettier than this year's calendar!
dr080425 -- Nice day day at the beach, eh, Norm? - How come you're wearing your sun visor around your neck? - The glare of my stomach is blinding!
dr080426 -- RING! I'll get it! - Hello? May I speak to professor Drabble, please? - PROFESSOR Drabble?? That must be one of my students! - I teach a night course in "mall coppery".
dr080427 -- Mall Good morning, fellow mall cops! Good morning, commander Murray! - Thank you for showing up this early morning hour. - I admire your bravery and courage in fulfilling this most difficult and unpopular assignment! - Now go out there,
dr080427 -- unlock those doors, and remember: you're the last line of defense against complete pandemonium! ...sigh... - I hate "morning mall-walkers" duty! On your left, Slowpoke! Coming through! SINGLEFILE, YOU ANIMALS!! Me first! No, ME!
dr080428 -- - - - The house always gets a bit more tidy when Ralph wears his cargo pants!
dr080429 -- I bought a camp chair! - Ahhh! It has a warning tag. - "Maximum load: 250 pounds. Damage could occur if chair is subjected to heavier loads." - Say what? Never mind.
dr080430 -- Plop! - beep beep boop - You won't believe what Troy just did! He made a SPECTACULAR catch!! - It was AMAZING! The crowd went wild! Another objective report from the little league field!
dr080501 -- Welcome to Galtburger! Hey. It's me. - Oh hi, Ralph! Long time, no see! - Has it really been that long? - Yeah, breakfast was seven hours ago! Oh yeah, huh!
dr080502 -- I'm ready to go! - You're going out wearing THAT? Sure! - For your information, very few men look good in tank tops! - Thank you!
dr080503 -- Are you just going to sit in front of the TV all day and eat peanuts?! - I haven't been here that long! - OK, maybe I have!
dr090504 -- She'll have the chicken sandwich, and I'll have a cheeseburger! - FWEET! - That is the 1,000th cheeseburger you've ordered from our restaurant, Mr. Drabble! - You are now a member of our loyal customer hall of fame! - On behalf of everyone
dr090504 -- here at Down-N-Out Burgers, thank you and congratulations! - That was a little embarrassing! The ceremony over at the taco shop was much more dignified!
dr080505 -- Look what I bought, Ralph! - It's a satellite navigation system for our car! - It will tell you where to go, tell you where to get off, and tell you when you're going the wrong way! - I thought that was YOUR job! I can't be with you all the
dr080505 -- time!
dr080506 -- This navigational device will help us find our way around town! - Honeybunch, we've lived here for 20 YEARS! I already know my way around town! - Besides, I have a keen sense of direction! Sense of direction??! - You once got lost in a
dr080506 -- drive-thru car wash! - There was very poor visibility in there!
dr080507 -- Ralph, you'll be so glad I bought this navigational system for the car! It's a waste of money! - It will pay for itself over time! We don't need it! - You'll be amazed at all the things it can do! Who cares! - It even shows you where all the
dr080507 -- fast food restaurants are! Let me see that!!
dr080508 -- I've entered our destination into our new navigational system. Just do what it says! - Turn left at the next signal. It TALKS?? Sure! - How come it sounds like a girl? A female voice is more soothing. - And you're much more apt to do what it
dr080508 -- says! I said TURN LEFT! Yes, Ma'am!
dr080509 -- Turn right in 5 miles That's wrong! - Turn right in 0.3 miles NO! - Maybe this navigational system wasn't such a good idea... - So far, it's taken us half an hour to go three miles! Turn right here NO! YES! NO! HONK! BEEP! HONK! HONK! BEEP!
dr080510 -- Turn left here! No! That's the wrong way! - Turn left here! Turning left will take us way off course! - I'm the navigational system! TURN LEFT HERE!! Fine. - Oops! My bad!
dr080511 -- I like our new widescreen TV, dad! Me too, Norm! - I almost didn't buy it, though... - Your mom didn't think it would fit on our wall!
dr080512 -- Mom and dad are going to the mall cop awards banquet tonight! - They're getting all dressed up. It must be formal! - Is it black tie and tails? - Black hat and apron!
dr080513 -- I'm looking forward to the mall cop awards banquet! It's a fancy event! - We're even getting picked up by a chauffeur! We're riding in a limo? - Even better! A stretch mall cop security vehicle!
dr080514 -- Mall Cops Awards Tonight You seem nervous, Ralph! - I'm expecting to win the lifetime achievement award! What makes you think so? - Are you kidding? I was the one who INVENTED the term "Mall Cop"! It's about time Ralph Drabble got a little
dr080514 -- recognition! - Besides, the other guy who's up for the lifetime achievement award is only nineteen!
dr080515 -- Mall Cops Awards Tonight Do you really think you're going to win the lifetime achievement award, Ralph? - Well, I don't want to get my hopes too high... - I need to be realistic. Anything can happen. - I just hope I didn't forget to thank
dr080515 -- someone in my acceptance speech!
dr080516 -- The first award to be presented tonight is "Most Improved Mall Cop." - Then we will present awards for "Best Smile" and "Best Personality." - JUST SKIP TO THE LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD!! - I want to get home in time to see "Dancing Wit The
dr080516 -- Stars."
dr080517 -- The recipient of the lifetime achievement award is a man you all know... - He is a true visionary...the first mall cop ever to use the Chinese finger lock as a law-enforcement tool! - Then, at his own expense, he equipped each and every one
dr080517 -- of his fellow mall cops with one of their own! - That must have cost you a fortune! Nah. I won 'em all at Chuck E. Cheese's!
dr080518 -- Excuse me, Mr. Mall Cop... - There are some thugs outside the mall, who are up to no good! - Thank you, concerned thipster! I'll go apprehend them immediately! - But, officer, I'm afraid that they might seek retribution against me! - Fear
dr080518 -- not! We'll put you in the mall cop witness protection program! - What do I do? Follow me... - Just stand still and try not to blink!
dr080519 -- Mall Cops Awards Tonight The lifetime achievement award goes to a man you all know. - He is responsible for several mall cop pastimes, such as mall bowling and escalator jousting! - This man is indeed a living legend in the field of mall
dr080519 -- coppery! - Don't get a swollen head! Who, me?
dr090520 -- Tonight's recipient of the lifetime achievement award is the man who actually coined the term "Mall Cop." - Before that, we were just known as "indoor retail security personnel", which wasn't as catchy! - None of us would be able to call
dr090520 -- ourselves "mall cops" today, if not for this man! - Why are you crying? I never realized how GREAT I was!
dr090521 -- Hi, mom! Hi, dad! Norm, you're just in time to see me receive the lifetime achievement award! - Isn't that what they give to old people when their career is over? What?? - Yeah, they give somebody a lifetime achievement award, and then they
dr090521 -- don't feel so bad about getting rid of them! - Ralph, you look sick! Maybe he ate too many cocktail weenies!
dr090522 -- I'm getting out of here, honeybunch! WHAT?? - Norman just pointed out that they only give lifetime achievement awards to people whose careers are over! I'm too young for this!! - And the winner is RALPH DRABBLE! Where are you, Ralph? - Ralph?
dr090522 -- Come out from under this table! No!
dr090523 -- Ralph! Come back!! - We need to give you your award! Stop him!! - OOF! HEY! OUCH! LET ME GO!! - Good work, men! No problem! Ralph is pretty easy to outrun!
dr090524 -- I don't WANT a lifetime award! I'm too young!! But, Ralph! Look at all you've contributed... - The holiday spirit violation, mall bowling, mall golf, the mall cop olympics, the junior mall scouts... - You're just giving me a lifetime
dr090524 -- achievement award because you intend to phase me out!! - That's not true! We're giving it to you instead of a raise! Oh, OK then!
dr090525 -- I love to watch the Extreme Home Makeover show! It's so heartwarming! - Sniff! - SOB - HONK - - - Why can't I watch my favorite show without everybody staring at me?!! - Because OUR favorite show is watching you watch YOUR favorite show!
dr080526 -- Guess what, everybody! It's our lucky day! My boss gave us five free tickets to the ball game! Let's go!! - Dad! Can I get an ice cream cookie? It's only $7! Me, too! Me, too? You all just had hot dogs and Sodas! Nothing is quite as expensive
dr080526 -- as free tickets to the ball game!
dr080527 -- Hey, Steinbauer! Your stupid dog woke me up, barking again! - What are you going to do about it? - Good boy! SNARF!
dr080528 -- Steinbauer, your dog woke me up, howling this morning! - You should train that dumb dog! - I DO train him! - Repeat after me! Arrooooo! ARROOOO!!
dr080529 -- How's your sore foot, Ralph? - It's hard to tell at my age. - I can't figure out if my foot is getting better... - Or the rest of me is getting worse!
dr080530 -- The shower has been running for half an hour! - knock knock knock HEY, NORM! YOU'RE WASTING HOT WATER!! GET OUT OF THE SHOWER NOW!! - I haven't even gotten in yet!
dr080531 -- Ralph, we're going to a party tonight! Rats! I hate parties! - Why? Mall cops never enjoy social gatherings because people always ask us professional questions... - !What time does the mall open?" Or "when is the next midnight madness
dr080531 -- sale?"... - Being a mall cop is like being a doctor. Everyone wants to pick your brain! You should've picked a different one!
dr080601 -- OK, dad, open wide! - - Hmmm... - SMACK SMACK - The expiration date on that cottage cheese is June 5th. - Incredible! Right again!! I'm surprised "America's Got Talent" turned him down!
dr080602 -- I'm so excited! I just bought tickets to the NEIL DIAMOND concert! - Isn't he the guy who walked on the moon? No, that was Lance Armstrong! - I thought he rode a bike! No one ever rode a BIKE on a MOON!! - ? You need to read more books!
dr080603 -- Yadda yadda yadda - Yabba dabba doo zip a dee doo dah - Nanu nanu - It doesn't matter what you order here, since they never get it right, anyway! You want onions on that?
dr080604 -- Dad, how do you pronounce "irrefutably"? - Is it Ir-REF-u-ta-bly, or is it ir-re-FUT-a-bly? - How would I know?? I've never said that word! - Ask him how to pronounce "Sausage McGriddle".
dr080605 -- - ...Yawn... - fold - I've never seen anyone "Dog-Ear" page ONE before. Let's just say I'm not a fast reader!
dr080606 -- - - Here you go, son! - You didn't have to make me pancakes! I don't need to be cheered up yet! Then consider them preemptive pancakes!
dr080607 -- Ready for the beach, Norm? - Are you kidding?? I can't go out in public looking like this? Why not? - I have a FARMER'S TAN!! - So what's wrong with at least LOOKING like you have a job??
dr080608 -- CRUNCH! CRUNCH! CRUNCH! . RUSTLE RATTLE KRINKLE RRIP! - COUGH! COUGH! - SLURRRRRRP! SLURP! SLURP! - Yakkity yak yak! - - How inconsiderate! Don't you know to turn off your cell phone in a theater??!
dr080609 -- Dad, haven't you always said that age is only a number? - That's correct, son! - Well, here's my report card. - And remember, my grade is only a letter!
dr080610 -- WOOSH WOOSH WOOSH - - From a distance, it looked like a scratching post!
dr080611 -- The pool is filled, Dad! Nice! - WOOSH! And now the lawn is watered!
dr080612 -- - - KNOCK KNOCK - You know it's time to clean out the fridge when you feel you should knock before you open the door! Come in!
dr080613 -- zzZzz - zzZzz DADDY, WAKE UP!! - WAKE UP, DADDY!! WAKE UP!! Wha..?! - I'm going to wrap you father's day present, so DON'T PEEK!
dr080614 -- - Dang! I used up all our sunscreen! - Sorry, honeybunch! That's OK. When I'm sitting near you, I don't really need it!
dr080615 -- Mall skattle skattle skattle - skattle skattle skattle skattle - - skattle skattle skattle skattle  - skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle I hate "bring your wiener dog to work" week!
dr080616 -- YAK YAK YAKKITY YAKKITI YAK! - Excuse me, you're in a restaurant, not a phone booth! - Show some consideration for others and take your cell phone conversation outside! - Sorry, no-neck...now, what were you saying?
dr080617 -- I'm going to the snack bar again, honeybunch! Sniff! - I'll help the next person in line! No thanks. We'll wait! I sense that I'm not the only guy who got dragged to this "chick flick"!
dr080618 -- - - WAA HA HA HA HA - Boy. What a corny joke! I hate it when the grocery checker reads my greeting cards!
dr080619 -- Meat - Fire. - Any questions? Nope. - Thanks for the barbecuing lesson, dad. It's easy after you've had it explained to you!
dr080620 -- How was the "Star Trek" convention, honeybunch? Great! - I got a tattoo of the starship Enterprise on my ankle! WHAT??!! Relax. It isn't permanent! - And neither is the tattoo of William Shatner! I don't even want to know where that one is!
dr080621 -- All done! Wow! - It's very impressive that dad does a crossword puzzle each and every day! - Actually, he only does the SUNDAY crossword. - It takes him a week to finish it!
dr080622 -- We have a navigational system in our car to tell us how to get places. Turn left here. - We have calculators to do all of our adding and and subtracting. - We don't need to remember phone numbers anymore. Just push a button! - We have
dr080622 -- computers to give us instant information and even correct our spelling. - I firmly believe the day will come when human beings won't even *use* their brains anymore! - I always knew he was ahead of his time!
dr080623 -- Welcome to All-Mart. Thank you, my good man! - Now, that would be a good job for you, Norm! How come? - All you have to do is stand at the door and say, "Welcome to All-Mart!" - There's no way you could mess it up! Thank you for that vote of
dr080623 -- confidence!
dr080624 -- How come we have to wait way back here? - The pharmacy likes to protect the privacy of their customers. - ...sometimes. WHO IS HERE TO PICK UP THE TOENAIL FUNGUS MEDICATION?!
dr080625 -- I like this machine, Norm... - You put your arm in the cuff, press the button, and it tells you if you have high blood pressure! - Want to try it? No thanks. I know I don't have high blood pressure! - That's true. He's just a carrier!
dr080626 -- Every time I come here, I check my blood pressure on the machine! - I put my arm in the cuff, press the button... - And it tells you if your blood pressure is normal high or very high! - What was it last time? It must have been pretty high.
dr080626 -- All it said was "Holy cow! Call an ambulance!"
dr080627 -- Yesterday I drove ten miles with the emergency brake on. - Oh, and I just remembered, I left a gallon of ice cream in the trunk! - Norman, maybe you shouldn't talk to me when I'm having my blood pressure taken! - Uh-oh! Here's that bill you
dr080627 -- asked me to mail!
dr080628 -- This automatic blood pressure machine is very convenient. - There's only one thing I don't like about it... Sometimes my arm gets stuck!
dr080629 -- Dad, I have a cooking question... - If a hot dog happens to roll off the barbecue... - Can you still eat it if you pick it up within three seconds after it hits the ground? I wouldn't know... - - CLOMP! Nothing has ever hit the ground!
dr080630 -- Look, Ralph! I found a picture of myself when I was a teenager! - WOWEE!! - Are you sure this is *you*?? - She never could accept a compliment!
dr080701 -- text text texty text - text texty text text - text text text text - Now I know why my kids are "all thumbs"!
dr080702 -- Ralph, you look ridiculous! - Quit stuffing the pockets of your cargopants! - It makes you look fat and bulky and dumpy! - My pockets are empty!
dr080703 -- - SLOSH SLOOSH - SPLOOSH SPLISH - ONE! I guess doing the laps in the kiddie pool is better than nothing!
dr080704 -- - Honeybunch, mind if I eat some of that leftover pizza in the fridge? - Didn't you just drink a can of that appetite-suppressant weight-loss stuff? - Yeah, but it hasn't kicked in yet!
dr080705 -- Wow! Look what's on TV this afternoon! - Golf, auto racing, bowling and three baseball games! - Care to join me in front of the TV? No thanks. I think I'll play outside! - Why would anyone want to go outside on a beautiful day like this?
dr080706 -- - - - - Could someone toss my trunks please? That's why you shouldn't go head first on the slippy side! Now *there's* an image that could scar me for life!
dr080707 -- Honeybunch, I've been doing a lot of thinking... You must be exhausted. - Our son Norman is growing up. Soon he'll be on his own, and I'm concerned... - Have I taught him all he needs to know? Have I imparted enough... - WHADDAYA' MEAN, I
dr080707 -- MUST BE EXHAUSTED??!
dr080708 -- Sometimes I feel like I haven't spent enough time with Norman. - I don't know if I've taught him enough to succeed in life. - My time with him is running out. He's growing so fast! - Has anyone seen my other floatie? Okay, maybe not *that*
dr080708 -- fast!
dr080709 -- Norman will be out on his own before we know it. - Time is running out for me to bond  with my son and impart all of my vast wisdom and knowledge. - Therefore, Norm and I are taking a road trip together! Who knows when we shall return,
dr080709 -- right, son? - Hopefully, before gas hits $7 a gallon! Bring something to take notes with. I plan on saying a lot of brilliant stuff!
dr080710 -- Norm, it's important for a young man to have self-confidence! - Remember, you can do anything you set your mind to! - Always know that your father has complete and total confidence in you! - Can I drive for a little while? NO!!
dr080711 -- Son, the reason I wanted to go on this road trip is so I could impart all my knowledge and wisdom before you leave home. - - - Did I mention that the loose french fries at the bottom of the bag always taste the best? Yeah, you covered that
dr080711 -- one!
dr080712 -- Where are Dad and Norman? They went on a father and son road trip. - Norman will soon be an adult, and your Dad wanted some time to impart all of his wisdom and knowledge. - How long do you think they'll be gone? My guess is about half an
dr080712 -- hour. We're back!
dr080713 -- - - - - - I tried to tell you not to put on so much sunscreen!
dr080714 -- ...here's something else I've thought about: I'll bet the parents of Cedric the entertainer are very happy. - Their son became exactly what they named him! - On the other hand, I wonder if Larry the cable guy's parents are disappointed that
dr080714 -- he's not a cable guy. Check, please! You haven't even ordered yet!
dr080715 -- Disguises - - He must be going to the movies. Or bowling! Actually, lots of places give senior discounts! Anyone seen my "bald-head" wig? I thought you were wearing it!
dr080716 -- We're back from grocery shopping! - Aarrrrghh! - WHAM! - Are you OK? Those 25-pound sacks of flour are a lot heavier than they used to be!
dr080717 -- chop! - - - WHACK!
dr080718 -- How was your golf game? - I lost 18 balls. How on earth could anyone lose 18 balls? - Well, I didn't actually *lose* them... - I just hate bending all the way over to pick 'em up!
dr080719 -- Norman, I...uh... thumb thummy thumb thumb - Say, Patrick, I was wondering... thummy thumb thumb thumb - Penny, do you...uh...Penny...? thumb thumb thumb thummy thumb - Around here, it's practically impossible to get a word in thumbwise!
dr080720 -- You look a little sad, honeybunch! - I know what'll cheer you up! I'll go whip up some *pancakes* for you! - Pancakes make people happy! It's impossible to be sad while eating pancakes! - That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard! How can
dr080720 -- eating *pancakes* affect one's mood? - Here! Give it a try! - WOW! He's RIGHT! - Gee, pancakes *do* make you happy! - Although the effects are only temporary!
dr080721 -- Darn! There aren't any fire pits at this beach! - How are we going to cook our Hot Dogs? I have an idea... - Try not to breathe too much, Dad!
dr080722 -- I love my cargo shorts. - They hold everything I need! - Keys, wallet, comb, salt, pepper, ketchup, can opener... - You just have to know when to quit!
dr080723 -- Gee, dad! What are you doing out here in the yard?? - Son, tending the garden nurtures the soul and gladdens the heart. - Why would anyone want to be indoors on a beautiful day like this? - Sounds like Mom is on the warpath again! OK, that
dr080723 -- too!
dr080724 -- YES!!! Look at the gas station, honeybunch! - The price just shot up another five cents a gallon! - So, why are you happy about that? - I filled up LAST NIGHT!! Way to find that silver lining.
dr080725 -- The beach is boring. - I'd rather be home in my easychair. Quit griping and find something to do! - -
dr080726 -- - - dingle ding ding! - It's impossible to put away a doggie toy around here!
dr080727 -- Patrick's Lemonade Stand These "sandwich" boards are a great way to advertise! Go to Patrick's Lemonade Stand! Yeah, except when DAD wears one! What's it say?
dr080728 -- Oooh...I shouldn't have eaten that last chilli dog! - I've got a major bellyache! Should we call 911? - You don't call 911 for a *bellyache*! The who should we call? How about the gas company!
dr080729 -- Where's Dad? - He's in the backyard, assembling his new patio swing! - How's the swing? I think it needs oil!
dr080730 -- Aren't you going to the beach with us, Norm? No, I'm embarrassed by my farmer's tan! - Don't be silly! A farmer's tan is nothing to be ashamed of! - I stand corrected.
dr080731 -- - - Never ask Patrick to fold the laundry!
dr080801 -- Welcome to the movie! - Pay close attention during the subway scene. There's a pivotal plot twist! - Don't miss it, or the surprise ending won't make any sense! - Enjoy the movie! I think I just did!
dr080802 -- I'm starting to like you, Norman! - I'm starting to like you, too, uhh...uhh... - Monique! - It's always embarrassing when you forget a girl's name, and have to go read her tattoo!
dr080803 -- - - - - HEY! THAT'S MY NEW GOLF GLOVE!! - GIVE ME THAT!! I can usually get him to play if I find the right toy!
dr080804 -- Good evening, and welcome to the Polecat Lodge Spelling Bee! - I'm your host, Ralph Drabble. I am joined by my fellow lodge members, Moose Malone and No-Neck! - Moose, introduce our first contestant! I can't read the name! - Why don't you
dr080804 -- wear glasses? I'd look silly in glasses!
dr080805 -- Our first contestant of the Polecat Lodge Spelling Bee is Frances Kay Leverlilly! - Hello, Frances Kay! "Hello" H-E-L-L-O. "Hello" - Actually Frances Kay... "Actually" A-C-T-U-A-L-L-Y. "Actually". - RELAX! "Relax" R-E-L...
dr080806 -- All of tonight's spelling words have been chosen by members of the Polecat Lodge! - No-Neck, what's the first word? "Keister". - KEISTER?? Can I have the definition, please? Heinie or backside. - Can I have the origin of the word, please? I
dr080806 -- think I first heard it in a three stooges movie. C'mon, kid, time is running out?
dr080807 -- "Crispy" C-R-I-S-P-Y "Crispy". - I'm sorry. That's incorrect. - According to this donut box, the correct spelling is K-R-I-S-P-Y. - Boy, what's happened to our educational system?
dr080808 -- Polecat Lodge Spelling Bee Timmy, your word is "Zzyzx." - What kind of word is *that*? It's a road of interstate 15, north of Barstow. - Can I have another clue? - It's also the sound that a cartoon character makes when snoring! ZZYZX!
dr080809 -- Polecat Lodge Spelling Bee "Shack" S-H-A-C-K "Shack." - I'm sorry, Debbie. This is incorrect. - The correct spelling is S-H-A-Q, as in "Shaq missed the free throw." - Remember, always ask to hear the word used in a sentence! This is the
dr080809 -- dumbest spelling bee I've ever been in!!
dr080810 -- Look what I made, Penny! What is it, Daddy? - When I was a kid, we tied tin cans together and used them as phones! Really?? - Yeah! you take one can, and I'll take the other! Let's see if they work! ? - Give it a try, Penny! - OK, but it's
dr080810 -- hard to text when there aren't any buttons! tap tap tappity tap I feel really old.
dr080811 -- Check it out, honeybunch! - It's my new MALL COP MOVER! - What do you think? - Just what you need: less exercise! Never ask her what she thinks unless you really want to know what she thinks!
dr080812 -- rrrrrrrrrrrrr Uh-oh. I I hear a siren! - rrrrrrrrrrrrrr I think we're being pulled over! - Pulled over by *what*?? We're in a *mall*! - rrrrrrrrrr
dr080813 -- Do all the mall cops like these things? - For some, they require a little getting used to. - No-neck is still using training wheels!
dr080814 -- This mall cop mover is equipped with the latest technology! - It's like something out of a JAMES BOND movie! - Why do you wear a helmet? Are you afraid you'll fall off? - No, it's in case I have to push the "ejector" button!
dr080815 -- put-put sputter gasp! Uh-oh! - This is officer Drabble reporting a konked-out mall cop mover! Requesting assistance! - Thanks!
dr080816 -- I love my new mall cop mover! - It goes from zero to five in twelve seconds, and it stops on a dime! - Looks like it also stops in front of the frozen yogurt stand!
dr080817 -- Only two more minutes to go, Norm! - Then you will prove to yourself that you can go an entire *ten minutes* without text messaging! - Texting has become an obsession for today's youth. It's a distraction from the important things of life! -
dr080817 -- Time's up! You did it! - Now, don't you feel proud of yourself, Norm? - NORM?! Huh?! - text text text text
dr080818 -- When I was little, I wanted to become a magician. - But then somebody stole all my tricks. - ...leaving me disillusioned. - I should've stuck with it. I'm good at making girls disappear!
dr080819 -- I got a ticket today for talking on a cell phone while driving! - WHY DID YOU DO A DUMB THING LIKE THAT?! I didn't! - I was talking to myself in the car, and I didn't want anyone to think I was a weirdo... - So I held the phone to my ear to
dr080819 -- look like I was talking to somebody! I suggest you plead insanity.
dr080820 -- It's gonna be a hot day, today! pat pat pat pat pat - This will help prevent a heart rash pat pat pat pat pat - Thank you, son! - Please, Dad, just keep it! No thanks. I don't like powdered donuts!
dr080821 -- Wait! Don't move until I get the video camera ready! - OK, go ahead!.. - Try to get up out of Penny's beanbag chair! I'm glad my middle years are providing you with so much entertainment!
dr080822 -- Sweet! We got all the same classes again! fall registration - High five, Wendy! - - Fist bump?
dr080823 -- Here, Dad. Will you please mail this to gramma? What is it, Penny? - It's my labor day gift list! - Gramma gives you gifts for LABOR DAY?? - No wonder our kids are so spoiled! Penny still hasn't written a thank you note for her FLAG DAY
dr080823 -- gifts!
dr080824 -- - - - - - KLUNK! - Comfortable, but hard to get out of! We'll keep looking!
dr080825 -- I'm with stupid - Our Wedding Photos I should've taken a hint!
dr080826 -- Here they come! - LOOK OUT!! - skattle skattle - So much for the annual "Running Of The Wiener Dogs"! COME BACK WITH MY SOCKS!
dr080827 -- In Spain, they have the running of the bulls. - Here, we have the running of the wiener dogs! skattle skattle skattle - That's the absolute dumbest thing I've ever... - waddle waddle waddle waddle Never mind.
dr080828 -- Honeybunch, the home design experts on TV all agree. - The soothing sound of tickling water creates a feeling of tranquility! - That's probably true... - But I still want you to fix the toilet! I'll do it later. I feel very tranquil right
dr080828 -- now!
dr080829 -- - Hello? What's wrong, Norman? Is everything OK?? - Yeah, Dad. I was just calling to remind you about that new law! Remember not to talk on the cell phone when you're driving! - Thanks for the reminder, son.
dr080830 -- OK, kids, I need your input... - What would you like me to cook for dinner? - A number 4 combo! With curly fries! To go! - Something tells me we eat way too much fast food around here!
dr080831 -- COWABUNGA! - - POP! - ssssssssss - sssss WHAM! - Reason number 412 why I'm not a cat person!
dr080901 -- Whoa! It's raining!! - It's not supposed to rain on Laborday! - Oh, never mind. - Dad just did a cannonball in the pool!
dr080902 -- How are you going to spend your last night of summer vacation, Patrick? Watching movies! - I rented "For Whom The Bell Tolls," "Of Mice And Men," and "Oliver Twist". - Each of those movies was also a classic book! - Which reminds me, did you
dr080902 -- finish your summer reading list? I'm working on it!
dr080903 -- I've made some rules for the carpool this year... - No dumb jokes, no singing... - No listening to dumb music and no eating in the car! Hear, hear! - You kids got all that? Actually, those rules were for *you*, dad!
dr080904 -- floss floss floss floss floss - Do we have any more dental floss? - Norman, you've already gone through two boxes tonight! - I take it he has a dental exam tomorrow. It's hard to cram six months of flossing into one evening!
dr080905 -- sniff sniff - Norman, what's that aroma? It smells like a new car! - Are you wearing Cologne? - Not exactly...
dr080906 -- How old are you, Dad? 46. - Wow. - You are close to being 70 years old than you are to being 20! - It was bad enough when you said "Wow"!!
dr080907 -- Dad, would you like to see some drawings I did in school? - This one's a dinosaur, and that one is Mount Rushmore! - Gee, Norm! These are really good! - I can't believe all the shadings and detail! Very impressive! - I didn't know you took
dr080907 -- art in school! I don't. - I drew those during algebra!
dr080908 -- HEY, YOU STUPID RABBITS! YOU'RE RUNNING MY LAWN!! - GET OUT OF MY YARD IMMEDIATELY OR I'LL...I'LL... - What should I do?? - I have a suggestion! Me too, and you're probably like mine better! Dumb Ralph
dr080909 -- How am I going to get rid of those rabbits in the yard?? - I suggest you buy some rabbit repellent and sprinkle it on your grass! - I have a better idea: run at them full speed and chase 'em into the neighbors' yard! - Hey, *THAT'S* a good
dr080909 -- idea! Why do I even bother?
dr080910 -- I'll scare away those rabbits once and for all! - - YEEOOOWW!! pop! - What was that?? It sounded like dad screaming and bunnies laughing!
dr080911 -- Ralph, what in the world is going on out here?? - I saw some rabbits in our yard and I tried to chase them away, and I twisted my knee! - You ran after rabbits? Why would you do a dumb thing like that?? I forgot I was old and out of shape! -
dr080911 -- I thought I was still *young* and out of shape!
dr080912 -- Hello, doctor. This is Mrs. Drabble. My husband injured his leg! - He tried to scare rabbits out of our yard by chasing them, and... - Yes, I know...I know... - But I married him, so what can I do? Tell the doctor nobody likes a smartaleck!
dr080913 -- I tried to chase the rabbits out of my yard and nearly killed myself! Why did I do that?? - Because you listened to him instead of me! That's right! - I always listen to you an I always regret  it! - When will I ever learn?? See you on
dr080913 -- election day!
dr080914 -- 9-14 - RATTLE - - RATTLE RATTLE WAG WAG WAG WAG WAG - WAG WAG Wag wag wag - wag - I'm sorry I'm such a let-down! Darn! It's just you!
dr080915 -- When I was a kid, candy bars were twice this size! - So now, I have to eat two at a time! - Candy bars just don't go as far as they used to! - Neither does your belt!
dr080916 -- 1998! - MINE'S A 2004! - YOU WIN, BUDDY! GO AHEAD! - When in doubt at a 4-way stop, the newest car has the right-of-way!
dr080917 -- Here they come! - Wow! What a sight! Breathtaking!! - I's always exciting to see the mall cops ride in formation!
dr080918 -- Hmmm... - Help me out, Wendy... - How would you describe the term "phantom pain"? - It's like you with a brain freeze.
dr080919 -- It sounds like your father is home from work! - Did you hear the car? No... - I hear him getting OUT of the car! Boy, I'm getting old!
dr080920 -- Dentistry Nice to see you again, Mr. Drabble. It's been a while! - Let me check the records!.. - Good heaven's! It's been THREE YEARS since you've had your teeth cleaned!! - You did a really good job last time!
dr080921 -- Where's Dad? He's working on his laptop! - I didn't know Dad had a laptop! - I didn't even know he had a LAP! tappity tap tap I Dad's case, we should call it a STOMACHtop!
dr080922 -- Corn Popper POP! POP! POPPITY! POP! POP! - Who says you can't bring your own popcorn into a movie theater??
dr080923 -- Wanna go for a walk, Wally? - - - How come he understands "go for a walk," but he never understands "Hey, stop that!!"??
dr080924 -- I love to kick piles of leaves! - KLANK - Piles of leaves-1 Norman-0.
dr080925 -- ZZYZX - When I was a kid, I used to talk in my sleep... - My kids *text* in their sleep! ZZYZX
dr080926 -- You have way too much free time, Norm! - I beg to differ, Dad! Being a full-time college student is very demanding! - I put in a lot of 18-hour days! - Although I try to spread each one out over a week!
dr080927 -- - - Norman is behaving strangely. - That usually means we're about to have an earthquake! Hey, that's *my* job!
dr080928 -- Watch me scare away all these ducks! - YEE-HA!! - Whoa! Excuse me! Coming through! - Pardon me! Whoops! Sorry! - SPLASH! - You are probably the only person on earth who's not imposing enough to scare away a flock of ducks!
dr080929 -- I'm home! - Hello, Wally! - There's nothing like being greeted at the front door by my faithful dog! - It's much better than the greeting I usually get from the cat! AAKKK!
dr080930 -- Dinner was great, honeybunch! You're not having seconds? - No, I'm stuffed! - I took a supplement before dinner so I wasn't as hungry! - What was the supplement? A double-bacon cheeseburger!
dr081001 -- - - - -
dr081002 -- Look at how Wally stares at the cookie! - He won't take his eyes off it. He follows it wherever if goes, with his tongue hanging out! - Around and around and around! -
dr081003 -- flip flip flip flip flip flip - Well it's one for the money...Thank you for taking my call...A major traffic jam... - My heart will...The high today... Will you please settle on ONE RADIO STATION!!? When you live with a channel surfer, the
dr081003 -- "scan" button can be sweet revenge!
dr081004 -- Got your ball, Wally? - Want me to throw it so you can chase it? OK! - I like how wiener dogs spin around when they get excited! -
dr081005 -- Ralph, sit down with me and look at my new book! - It's a book of questions Your responses will tell you a lot about yourself! Ready? - Question number one: "If you could take a vacation anywhere in the world, where would you go?" - Disney
dr081005 -- World. - DISNEY WORLD??! - I've been telling you for years that I want to got to Europe, and you pick *Disney World*?!! What kind of selfish answer is *that*??!! - Question number two: I hope I live long enough to hear question number three!
dr081006 -- What's with the robe? - I've decided to become a bestselling author! Everyone knows this is what authors wear when they write! - What are you writing? - "Memoirs of a Mall Cop". Before you *write* a book, shouldn't you *read* one?
dr081007 -- I will begin writing my memoirs with a dedication... - "To my good wife, honeybunch..." - "Who has always stood in my shadow." - It's hard *not* to stand in your shadow! Aw, don't be so modest!
dr081008 -- How are your "Memoirs of a mall cop" coming, Dad? - Slowly. I know I've had an exciting career, but I can't seem to remember much about it! - Obviously, I have subconsciously blocked the more traumatic events from my memory! - How about the
dr081008 -- time you accidentally drank of no-neck's thermos? I'm saving that story for the climatic ending!
dr081009 -- I have finished my manuscript! Now I'll submit it to the publisher! - "Memoirs of a mall cop" is destined to become a literary classic! - - SLAM! Dang! I just thought of a better ending!
dr081010 -- Dad, something came for you in the mail! - It's from your book publisher! They probably read my manuscript and are prepared to offer me a contract! - Go ahead and read what it says! - "Dear aspiring writer, thanks, but no thanks." How did
dr081010 -- they know I was sweaty?
dr081011 -- I can't believe I got a rejection slip! - How could they turn down "Memoirs of a mail cop"?? - Maybe you should write a book about your other job, Dad! - "Memoirs of the guy who stood at the entrance of Bulk Club and checks your membership
dr081011 -- card"?? The title might need some work!
dr081012 -- Eee, I wonder if... - Well, it certainly is a... - You know, I've got a hankerin' for some... - Did anybody feed the... - Mom*'s not around, Dad. - You can finish your sentences! Sorry, force of... Habit?
dr081013 -- ...the world series, autumn leaves... - Candy corns, pumpkins... - Old monster movies on TV! - What's not like about October?! It sure puts *January* to shame!
dr081014 -- - -
dr081015 -- Care for some gum, Norman? Thank you! - push push krinkle krinkle krinkle krinkle push push - BANG OW!! - There's a special place in heck reserved for the inventor of the blister pack!
dr081016 -- I'm going to school! - Have a good day, Son! - Remember, your future is in *your hands!* - Come to think of it, that wasn't very reassuring!
dr081017 -- - Do we *have* to play football in the rain, dad? - Yes! It builds character! Don't be such a wimp! - Nice pass!
dr081018 -- - How did he *do* that??
dr081019 -- Thwap! Thwap! Thwap! Thwap! Thwap! Thwap! Thwap! Thwap! Thwap! Thwap! Thwap! Thwap! Never wear flip-flops to the library!
dr081020 -- I'm off to the course, honeybunch! Ralph, I want you to teach me how to play golf! - WHAT?!! Then I can go with you whenever you play! - ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR.. - ...favorite shampoo, yet? Because if you are, I'd be happy to stop at the store!
dr081020 -- Frankie Rodriguez would admire that save!
dr081021 -- Remember to keep your eye on the ball, honeybunch! - WHACK! - Darn! - My ball didn't hit the tree like yours! Mine just went straight down the middle! sigh
dr081022 -- It's a great idea for me to learn to play golf, isn't it, Ralph?!! - Now, instead of having to play golf all by yourself, I can come with you and keep you company! Isn't that great?! - HEY, SLOW DOWN! YOU DRIVE LIKE A MANIAC! HO *THAT* WAY!!
dr081022 -- - Anyway, as I was saying... Maybe i could take up windsurfing!
dr081023 -- BOOF! - Sigh - BOOF! That looks like fun! I wish *I* could hit my ball into the sand!
dr081024 -- SPLOOSH! - Golf isn't fair. - You keep getting to use a new ball, and I've used the same one all day!
dr081025 -- Hi, Elanie! Guess what! I'm playing golf with my husband! - No, I don't know what the score is. We're not keeping track anymore! - After the first hole, Ralph had nine and I had only four! - I guess he didn't want me to feel bad for having
dr081025 -- such a low score! putt! It's a breach of golf etiquette to talk to a cell phone!
dr081026 -- carve carve scoop scoop carve carve carve - - ...Sigh... Happy Halloween It's a *Ralph*-O-Lantern.
dr081027 -- This is the time of year when strange creatures materialize! - Boo! Hey, it's the Halloweener dog! Followed by the Thanksgiving turkey!
dr081028 -- Yikes! That's the worst Jack-O-Lantern I've seen all night! - But it's certainly the biggest! Pumpkins were way expensive this year!
dr081029 -- Trick or treat! Here you go! - PANCAKES?!! - Every year, I eat all the candy before anyone gets here, so I made pancakes for everybody! - PANCAKES?? I was going to add chocolate chips, but I ate 'em all!
dr081030 -- knock knock - Trick or treat! - OK, here. Thanks! - Why didn't I think of that years ago? Hey, wait a minute!
dr081031 -- DING DONG! - YAAAAAAHH!! - Congratulations! That's the scariest costume of the night!! - Never mind him, mother! hee hee Why did you marry such a numbskull?
dr081101 -- Tonight we turn our clocks back one hour. Do you know what that means, Norm? - It means I get an extra hour of sleep tonight! Actually, Dad, you don't. - I didn't want the end of daylight saving time to come as a shock... - So I set our
dr081101 -- clocks back one minute every day for the past two months! No wonder I've been late for work!
dr081102 -- My favorite scene in the movie "Jaws" is when the sheriff sees the shark for the first time, and then tells Quint: "You're gonna need a bigger boat!" - What on earth made you think of *that*? Who knows?
dr081103 -- Dad, when I started the car, the "check airbag" light came on! - So, I gently bumped into that big tree in our yard. - And you'll be happy to know that the airbag worked perfectly! - But now the car has a little dent. Sometimes I think if I
dr081103 -- just don't look up, it will all go away!
dr081104 -- Vote What a relief! - At long last, the seemingly endless campaign is finally over! - Welcome to the first of the 2012 PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES.
dr081105 -- Shack of Flapjacks Good morning, officer Drabble! Mornin', Wilma! - Hostess will seat you Your regular table? Yes, please! - OK, TIME'S UP! BEAT IT, BUSTER! - Right this way! Let's just say I'm one of their better customers!
dr081106 -- Do you have a photo I.D.? No. - But I sort of look like him, except a little older and heavier. - - OK, thanks! Identity checks are a pain in the neck, but I guess they're necessary!
dr081107 -- lick lick lick - ROWF! - - Nice hang time!
dr081108 -- Hey, this movie is *old*! And it's in black and white! You said it was *scary*! - "The Wolf Man" is one of the scariest films ever made! I had nightmares for *years*! - Trust me, you kids will have trouble falling asleep tonight! - Z zzz
dr081108 -- ZZYZX!! ...or not.
dr081109 -- I can't hear the TV! - - Ralph, I asked you to turn up the volume! - No, you didn't. You just made a statement of fact! - If you'd like me to do something for you, then you should ask me in the form of a question! - Ralph, will you please
dr081109 -- turn up the volume? Sure. - - I'm hungry! My, how interesting!
dr081110 -- I still can't believe how the vote went! - What a disappointment. - What could the voters have been *tinking*?? - The cat on the motorcycle was way funnier than the guy falling off the roof! Sometimes the funniest home video doesn't win!
dr081111 -- I think I figured out why they hold elections in early November... - Because as soon as it's over, the holiday season begins! - People put aside all the divisiveness and ugliness and come together in a spirit of... - LET GO! I SAW IT FIRST!!!
dr081111 -- Forget it.
dr081112 -- Look! We're on the security monitor! - Wow, it's true what they say: The camera adds weight! Jeepers! - It not only adds a lot of weight, it adds a lot of AGE! Good golly! - Oh, never mind. I was looking at you!
dr081113 -- Flapjacks Good morning, officer Drabble! Table for two? Yes please, for me and my son! - ...and we'll need a booster seat! - Dad, I don't need a booster seat! It's not for you. - I like to order the "Skyscraper" stack!
dr081114 -- Dad, why are golf clubs so expensive? - They're engineered to be perfectly balanced and aerodynamic! - Why does it need to be aerodynamic? - When you get mad and fling it, it should sail through the air nicely!
dr081115 -- Rise and shine, Norman! - scratch scratch I guess one out of two isn't bad!
dr081116 -- But, honeybunch, my motto is "waste not, want not"! Ralph, for the last time, NO! - I will not be using THAT to make pumpkin pie!
dr081117 -- Ice Cream SCOOP SCOOP - Hmmm... - Honeybunch, is it okay if I just polish off the rest of the carton? I suppose. - Sweet!
dr081118 -- Would you like to go to the movies tonight, honeybunch? And see what? - How about that chick flick you've been wanting to see? - That sounds great! I'll go get my purse! - Well? Come on! You mean I have to go, too?
dr081119 -- I'm filling out a job application, Dad! - Let's see... "print full name" - Norman Trouble Drabble - When you were little and I used to say, "trouble is your middle name," I was just kidding! NOW you tell me?
dr081120 -- - Hello, Norman... Shhh! - My mind is engaged. - Your mind's not even going steady!
dr081121 -- Have a seat, Ralph! Thanks, Jerry! - How have you been? snip snip Fine, thanks! - How's the family? snip snip snip Oh, they're... - All done! My haircuts don't take as long as they used to!
dr081122 -- DING DONG! - arf arf ARF arf arf arf ARF ARF arf arf arf arf arf arf - Wally, knock it off! It's just the TV! - How'd the TV get out there?
dr081123 -- ...no, we're just planning a little weekend getaway... - Unfortunately, honeybunch has never understood the concept of packing lightly! U-Move Truck Rental Be sure to save room in there for the piano!
dr081124 -- ...Halloween decorations, thanksgiving decorations, easter, Christmas...ah, here it is. - Cold and flu season! Thank you, Ralph! If you ask me, Mom goes a little overboard with the seasonal decorations!
dr081125 -- Good night, Wally! - Wally seems to enjoy sleeping in his crate! Every dachshund loves his "den". - According to the vet, dachshunds are easily overwhelmed and enjoy retiring to a place of peace and security! - Isn't anybody going to close
dr081125 -- the door?
dr081126 -- Rise and shine, Wally! Oh, boy. - I love the morning! The world is mine! - After a long night's sleep, I can go anywhere and do anything! I know just what I want to do first... - Z
dr081127 -- Football games, parades, turkey...it's been a perfect thanksgiving! - Except that my relatives couldn't join us this year! Like I said...
dr081128 -- - ROWF! ROWF! ROWF! ROWF! - HISS! -
dr081129 -- What should we buy your Dad for Christmas? - How about something cool, like an iPhone? I'm not sure... - Your father's not exactly a techno geek! Oh, yeah, huh. Hello! Operator, please! Hello? click clack click
dr081130 -- When you see a lot of trucks parked in front of a restaurant, it means truck drivers like to eat there! - If you always see police cars in the perking lot, you know that restaurant is popular with policemen. - Shack Of Flapjacks This place
dr081130 -- happens to be popular with mall cops!
dr081201 -- Dad, there's a girl at school I really like. - Unfortunately, she won't give me the time of the day. - RALPH, IT'S 6:52!!! OK! OK! I'm coming! - Enjoy it while you can, son!
dr081202 -- On, No-Neck! On, Ralph! On, Larry and Evelyn! - Santa's arrival at the mall gets more spectacular every year!
dr081203 -- You wanted to see us, Dad? Yes, kids! Tonight we're going to play a game called "Find The TV Clickers"! On your mark, get set, GO! - Winner gets a buck! Isn't this a lot like the "Find Dad's Car Keys" game?
dr081204 -- - You haven't seen the nutcracker ballet until you've seen it performed by MALL COPS ON WHEELS!
dr081205 -- Slap, slappity Slap, slappity slappity slappity slap... - Slappity slap, slappity slappity slappity slap! - That was the worst rendition of "The Little Drummer Boy" I've ever heard! Fine. See if we come caroling at YOUR house again!
dr081206 -- PHOO! Ralph, that's disgusting! - That's expensive fudge! Don't eat around the nuts! - I *always* eat around nuts! - Especially when her relatives come over for dinner!
dr081207 -- - - - I think someone needs to go home and take a nap! - ZZYZX
dr081208 -- Somebody called and left a message for you, Dad. - But I didn't have a pen to write it down, so, sorry. - I forgot the person's name, but I think it may have been a woman. - Good work, son. Actually, it might have been for mom.
dr081209 -- ZZYZX - Hey, Wally! Wanna play ball? - It's hard to believe this dog was sound asleep three seconds ago!
dr081210 -- chirp chirp! whirrrrr - eek! Whoa! Good boy! - To the foot court trigger! whirrrr
dr081211 -- Hey, No-Neck... - I put streamers on my mallercycle! Come tell me if it looks good! I'll be right there! - Never mind.
dr081212 -- I should buy a pair of those hand weights! - I'd get better exercise when I walk if I carried extra weight in each hand! - Don't waste the money! If you want to carry around extra weight, I have a better suggestion... - OK, now start walking!
dr081213 -- Welcome to Galtburger! - May I take your order, please! - Surprise me! - They usually do, anyway!
dr081214 -- What's up, honeybunch? Don't bug me, Ralph. I'm very stressed. - I have to prepare and deliver holiday gift baskets for everyone on my secret Santa list, and I'm losing my mind!! - Let's see...This one is for the Bench family and this one is
dr081214 -- for the Byrne family and this one is...no, that's not the right...*this* one is for...no, wait... - DARN! I FORGOT TO PUT TAGS ON THEM AND NOW I HAVE TO START ALL OVER!! - Every year at this time, your mom turns into a raving holiday
dr081214 -- gift-basket case!
dr081215 -- Would you like *me* to cook Christmas dinner this year, honeybunch? - No thank you, Ralph! - I learned my lesson when I let you cook *thanksgiving* dinner! - I still can't believe you stuffed the turkey with cheetos! It was delicious!!
dr081216 -- Sometimes I feel like I'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders! - That's ridiculous, Norman. You don't even *have* shoulders! - That's like saying you have a lot on your mind! - Yeah, you're probably right. Thanks, Wendy! Norman
dr081216 -- is no fun to insult!
dr081217 -- -  Now, what would possess them to have a Tug-O'-War? - Oh.
dr081218 -- Visit Santa OK, let's go! - Go?? Don't you want to tell Santa what you want for Christmas, Penny? - It's OK. I just texted him!
dr081219 -- Hi, Shelli! What's new? - See? Teenagers aren't the only ones who can talk o the phone, send a text and E-Mail all at the same time! Your Mom deserves a honorary degree in communications!
dr081220 -- Honeybunch, I think it's amazing how you can have conversations with three different people at the same tine! text text - Thank you, dear. Now get lost! text text No, not *you*, Denise. Make it *four* different people!
dr081221 -- Uh-oh! We're getting pulled over! - Why, good evening, officer! Mind if I ask you why you sped away from that house so quickly? - I can explain, officer! My wife is making us deliver secret Sanka gifts! - We leave a basket of goodies on
dr081221 -- somebody's porch, ring the bell, and run away before they see us! - Yeah, my family does that, too. Well, have a good evening and drive carefully! - As long as the driver is here, Dad, why don't you ask him what to do about your expired
dr081221 -- driver's license?
dr081222 -- It's so much fun to decorate for the holidays! - I love making everything look festive! - Right, Wally? - Actually, I'll be kind of glad when it's over!
dr081223 -- ...on the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me... - Two turtles and a partridge in a pear tree - - Why did you stop singing? Most people slam their doors by now!
dr081224 -- If you look up the sky, Penny, you might see Santa and his reindeer! - Look! I see a red light moving across the sky! It's probably Rudolph!! - Actually, it looks more like a twin engine 737 making its final approach to the airport! - It's
dr081224 -- probably the nine o'clock flight from Atlanta! Penny might be getting a little too old for this!
dr081225 -- Gather 'round this, kids, for dad's annual reading of "Twas The Night Before Christmas." - Kids?? I think they might be getting too old for it. - - Yeah, but *Dad's* not too old for it!!
dr081226 -- I'm bored. - BORED?!! - Penny, you opened all your Christmas presents yesterday! - I know, but all the ribbons and paper and boxes and fun stuff got thrown in the trash!
dr081227 -- Hi, Wendy! - Gimme five! - OW!! - I didn't mean step on my *foot*! - Be more specific in the future!
dr081228 -- Ralph, it's important that dachshunds do not get overweight! - Go weigh Wally, please! How do I get him to stand on the scale?! - You stand on the scale holding Wally, see what you weigh together, and then subtract *your* weight! ...sigh... -
dr081228 -- - He weighs 92 pounds. - 92 POUNDS?! Something tells me dad hasn't weighed himself in about 30 years! I weigh 190 pounds! Check my driver's license!
dr081229 -- Christmas was kind of a letdown this year. How come, Dad? - I guess I was a little disappointed with my gifts. - What are the odds of getting six nose hair trimmers?? In your case, pretty good!
dr081230 -- Free samples - YECCHH! That's AWFUL! - The worst dip I've ever tasted! - Although, it might be OK with crackers! Ralph, that's scented body butter.
dr081231 -- Why are you making so many pancakes?? - I volunteered to help decorate floats for the tournament of pancakes parade on new year's day! - Tournament of PANCAKES?? How many do you need?? - The Eiffel Tower float alone requires 7,000 pancakes,
dr081231 -- 450 waffles and 2 slices of french toast!
dr090101 -- Leaning Tower Of Pancakes - Eiffel Tower Of Pancakes I guess we really didn't need to camp out overnight for a good spot to watch the tournament of pancakes parade!
dr090102 -- Good heavens! Why is the television so loud downstairs? - Oh. - RALPH, MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU NOT TO EAT PORK RINDS WHEN YOU WATCH TV?!! CRUCH CRUCH CRUNCH Say what??
dr090103 -- There's nothing to do! - Here's an idea: you know those pretty papers and envelopes and crayons that grandma gave you for Christmas? - You could use them to write notes thanking everyone who gave you a gift! - Grandma is pretty smart!
dr090104 -- After-hours at the mall... Mall cop fountain jumping! Please Hold Hand Rail
dr090105 -- That's a nice tie! Where did you get it? - I forget! - I GAVE IT TO YOU FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY!! Oh, yeah, huh! - I may be finished with school, but the pop quizzes never end!
dr090106 -- Hi, Wendy! - Fist bump! - HONK! - Did I miss? Sorry, I'm not wearing my contacts. I wonder if Howie Mandel has to put up with stuff like this?
dr090107 -- Hurry, Ralph! Let's get inside the store before it closes! - Don't forget your keys, honeybunch! - Can't you just hold on to them for me? - I'd rather not!
dr090108 -- Congratulations, Dad! - Someone from your credit card company called while you were gone. - They wanted to speak to you about your OUTSTANDING BALANCE!! - I am proud to be your son! ...sigh...
dr090109 -- Honeybunch, I'm a happily married man and I love you dearly. - I am completely loyal and devoted to you, and you alone. - But if "Deal Or No Deal" model #16 ever happens to call me, all bets are off! - Women *say* they want honesty in a
dr090109 -- relationship, but they really don't.
dr090110 -- Would you like half of my giant-size candy bar, Wendy? - No, thanks. - You know, on second thought, maybe I will! - Thay what?
dr090111 -- - Creak! - I see the holiday bills are starting to arrive! It's always the first avalanche of the year!
dr090112 -- Listen, Wendy. I may not be the smartest guy in the world... - I may not be the handsomest or the best-dressed... - Or the most athletic or the most talented or...or... - I forgot where I was going with that! So far, so good, though!
dr090113 -- - - - She's kind of mean! Tell me about it!
dr090114 -- - Maybe we should have put our new flat screen TV a tad higher up on the wall. - Or you could just suck in your stomach!
dr090115 -- - Can I try it?! - Sure, Patrick! - Just make sure you get the right amount of bubble fluid, and then hold the wand right about... - Yeah, it's pretty good.
dr090116 -- ...so like I said, if you get this message before ten, give me a... - CLICK! Hello?? - Darn! - I hate it when answering machines only give you 45 minutes to leave a message!
dr090117 -- I have to go in there and tell my teacher I lost my homework! - Don't just tell him you *lost* your homework! That makes you sound irresponsible! - Think of a better way to say it so he'll have sympathy for you! - I dislocated my homework!
dr090118 -- I'm sorry you're sick, dad! - I'm mostly concerned about your mother. - How come? - She worries a lot when I'm sick! - I sure hope you're not contagious because if *I* get sick and can't go to my *book club meeting* tomorrow night, I'm really
dr090118 -- gonna be *steamed*!!! - See what I mean?
dr090119 -- Look, dad! I found another dinosaur bone in our backyard! - That's not a dinosaur bone, Patrick! It's one of Wally's dog biscuits! - There goes my science project!
dr090120 -- RAWRFF! RAWRFF! RAWRFF! - Why does Wally always bark at you when you come home? - He's not barking! He's saying, "Ralph! Ralph!" - He knows my name! I thought his name was Grunthead!
dr090121 -- There's my kittie waiting to greet me! - I missed you! How is my favorite kittie? - I'm so happy to see you! - ...and also, hello to my beloved husband, who pays all the bills! Oh, yeah, hi Ralph!
dr090122 -- rake rake rake - rake rake rake rake - - Raking your own footprints out of a sandtrap is more difficult than it looks! Hurry up before it gets dark!
dr090123 -- Ralph, don't set your water glass on the table! It'll leave a ring! - And don't set it on my magazine! Use a coaster! - On second thought, that's a nice coaster... - How come you like to drink out of the hose, Dad. Life is easier this way.
dr090124 -- Wally, sit up! RARRF! - Lie down! - Roll over! - You didn't do anything right! I didn't see any treats!
dr090125 -- Ralph, I think you should get a physical. - I'm scared of doctors! - Besides, I know I'm in good health! - How do you know? - Because my friend No-Neck is the same age as I am, eats the same stuff as I do, and does all the things I do! - He
dr090125 -- gets a physical every year and he's always fine! If he's fine, I must be fine! - ...sigh... - How come she never says "good thinking, Ralph"?
dr090126 -- - - BLAT! thump thump - What made you think you could slice tomatoes with the ceiling fan? It was worth a try!
dr090127 -- - - Yipes! - Why didn't you tell me I looked ridiculous? I gave up in the mid-nineties!
dr090128 -- The kids are staying with Gramma tonight. - We have the house all for ourselves! - What could be better? Having the house all to MYself! - What did you say? That's wonderful, dear!
dr090129 -- I have an idea, Ralph... - Since the kids aren't home tonight, let's go to the video store and rent a movie we've been wanting to see! - There are no movies I've been wanting to see. - Fine! Then we'll rent a movie that I'VE been wanting to
dr090129 -- see! NO! NO! NO! I'LL THINK OF SOMETHING!
dr090130 -- Which of these movies should we rent tonight, Ralph? - That one! How come? - It's only 92 minutes long. The other one is 120! - Maybe I'll still have time to watch wrestling afterward!
dr090131 -- Ralph, I'd be happy to watch any movie! Just pick one! - OK, here! - - Pick any movie *except* this one! But this was Shemp's finest performance.
dr090201 -- I hate these gigantic hardware superstores! I have to walk miles to find anything! Holy crud! - Would you like a cart sir? - As a matter of fact, I would! Wheel me down to plumbing!
dr090202 -- Hello, Melanie? This is Norman Drabble. - I was calling to see if we're still on for tonight! - Well, I asked you for a date last summer, and you said you were tied up until Groundhog Day, remember? - Dang. I guess I should have touched base
dr090202 -- with her around Veterans Day!
dr090203 -- I understand. Thank you, anyway. 'Bye! - Sorry, Norman, but you'll have to clean your own room! - Even MIKE ROWE won't do it! Dang! Who's Mike Rowe? The host of TV's "Dirty Jobs." Do I have to explain everything?
dr090204 -- - I know that you're hoping that I'll drop some of this yummy cake on the floor, Wally... - But I don't like it when you sit there and look up at me with those sad eyes! - That goes for you too, Ralph!
dr090205 -- For me?? Wow! It's wonderful being married to me, isn't it, Ralph? - - Yes! - The correct answer is useless if your timing is off!
dr090206 -- Son, your problem is that you lie down on your back and let people walk all over you. - People never walk all over ME! - And why do you suppose that is? - Maybe they don't want to walk uphill! I WASN'T TALKING TO YOU!!
dr090207 -- ...so, my Dad was saying that... - Hey, are you using that chair? - This chair that I'm sitting in?? Yeah, can I borrow it= - Uh...well, sure. I guess so. - Anyway, my dad was saying that I let people walk all over me, but I don't think
dr090207 -- that's true. Do you?
dr090208 -- - - - - - - - OOF! - To jump all the way up on *this* stomach, you need a really good running start!
dr090209 -- ...Sigh... - If cats ruled the world, we wouldn't have beds... - Everyone would sleep on a pile of fresh laundry! Cats *don't* rule the world??
dr090210 -- pick pick claw claw Oogie! You bad kittie! - You clawed our new sofa to shreds! - Aww...I just can't stay mad at you! - Why not? You're able to stay mad at me! Oogie didn't buy me a vacuum cleaner for our anniversary!
dr090211 -- How was your golf game, Norm? - I was hitting my tee shots pretty well, but then I drove into the water on the 17th! - I drive a lot of balls into the water on that hole, too! - Not the ball, the golf cart!
dr090212 -- I need a favor, Norm. What is it, Stu? - I want you to go to Monique's house and ask her to be my valentine! - Why do I have to do it? Because I can't handle rejection! - And I CAN??! I figured you're an expert by now!
dr090213 -- Yes? Hello, Monique! - My friend Stu wants to know if you'll be his Valentine. - He's a little on the shy side, so he asked me to ask for him! - She said no. I KNEW I should have asked someone else to ask for me!
dr090214 -- Hi, Wendy. Will you be my Valentine? - Probably not. - OK, well, here's a box of candy, anyways! Thank you. - I'm glad I ate all the butterscotch squares!
dr090215 -- Allow me, honeybunch! - Don't worry about the dishes! I've got it all under control! - Let's watch whatever YOU want to watch! - Can I bring you anything, sweetheart? No, thank you. - Would you like me to fluff up your pillow? I'm fine. - I
dr090215 -- must admit, the first 24 hours after your husband realizes he forgot Valentine's Day can be pretty entertaining!
dr090216 -- Hey, Wally! Want to go outside and play ball? ? - I like how Wally tilts his head when he doesn't quite understand what you're saying! - Dad does that too sometimes, when Mom's talking to him! ...and when you buy the head of lettuce, pick out
dr090216 -- a *good* one! The ones in front are all picked-over, so reach for one in the back, but not the *bottom* of the back because it will be all squished... ?
dr090217 -- Hey Patrick, dad is so lame, he still doesn't know how to take a picture with his cell phone scratch scratch text text text - Send - Uh-oh! - I may be lame, but at least I know how to send a text message to the right person!!
dr090218 -- Wow! These 3-D glasses are *amazing*! - Everything looks so *realistic*!! - It's almost like I could reach out and touch things! Imagine how the movie will look when we get in the theater!
dr090219 -- Gee, this is interesting... - Apparently, future technology will enable us to send text messages to people in the past. - How do you know? Because i just received a text from myself in the future! - It says not to order the Pastrami Burrito
dr090219 -- or I'll regret it for days!
dr090220 -- Wendy, i wanted you to know that... - Uh-oh...it's another text message from myself in the future! - "Whatever you do tonight, don't tell Wendy that she looks good carrying a few extra pounds. - Never mind!
dr090221 -- WHERE'S THE CAT?!! - What? I thought I heard the cat yowling in here! - I couldn't hear a thing. I was singing along with my iPod! - That explains it. I should be danncinn' yeeeaaaaahh!
dr090222 -- - - - - BANG BANG BANG! * * bang! bang! * BANGITTY bang! bang! BANG BANG bang! bang! BANG! - You weren't going to cheat on your diet, were you, Ralph?? All I will say is, that was pretty sneaky to put bubble wrap in front of the refrigerator!
dr090223 -- One more bandage ought to do it. - Were you at least able to get the flea collar on? Almost.
dr090224 -- You seem a little down, Dad. - Don't worry. It's normal for a man your age to be depressed! - Add to that your other problems, like your expanding bald spot and your turkey neck, and it's all perfectly understandable! - Thanks for the pep
dr090224 -- talk, son. Now, go get 'em!
dr090225 -- I feel great this morning! - No you don't! I don't? - No! You're always complaining about your aches and pains! - Those aches and pains from 23 years of standing corrected!
dr090226 -- Uh-oh... - I'm receiving another text message from my future self! - It says, "never clip a clothespin in your nostril. It's very uncomfortable." - Boy, that arrived in the nick of time! Sigh
dr090227 -- Are you OK, dad? I'm nauseous! - No, you're *nauseated*! - If something is *nauseous*, it causes nausea in others. - He got it right the first time!
dr090228 -- Norman, do you really believe you're getting text messages from yourself in the future? - Of course! Only my future self would know these things! Listen... - "When you audition for 'American Idol,' don't sing '99 Bottles Of Beer On The Wall.'
dr090228 -- Even Paula won't like it!" - See?? Who else would have known I was planning to do that??
dr090301 -- Good evening, parents! Welcome to another exciting little league season! - I'm coach Rick, and I'll be running your child's team! - My own son will be the star of the team, doing most of the pitching and batting clean-up! He'll play every
dr090301 -- inning of every game! - I decided to become a coach for one reason: to ensure that my son makes the all-star team and gets a big trophy! - If your child id not a good hitter, that's fine. I'll teach him never to swing the bat, and to try to
dr090301 -- get hit by a pitch! - I will teach your child what little I know about baseball, unless he starts getting better than *my* son. Then your child will get benched. - Hey, at least this coach is honest! For my year-end coach's gift, I'd like a
dr090301 -- gift certificate from Ted's Steak House!
dr090302 -- Here we go again... - I'm receiving another text message from myself in the future! - Just once, I wish I'd text myself with information that's actually *important*! - Please take dad to the emergency room immediately!!!
dr090303 -- Dad, I'm worried about you! You've been sick a lot, lately. - When's the last time you saw a doctor? - I went in for a checkup a couple of weeks ago, and everything was fine! - The dentist doesn't count! Yeah-huh! Look! His business card
dr090303 -- says, "Doctor"!
dr090304 -- Dad, you've been sick for days! You need to see a doctor! I'm scared of the doctors! - Why? There's nothing to be afraid of! - Of course there is! - I'm afraid he's going to tell me there's something *wrong* with me!
dr090305 -- What are we doing *here*? I thought we were going to get ice cream! - I'm taking you to the hospital, dad! What for?? - I received a text message from myself in the future, telling me to take you to the E.R. immediately! - I hope your future
dr090305 -- self also sent you tonight's winning numbers so we can *pay* for this!
dr090306 -- Please don't let me need surgery! Please don't let me need surgery! - Try to stay positive, dad! Odds are you won't need surgery! - Maybe you're just lactose intolerant! Then all you have to do is give up ice cream! - Please just let me need
dr090306 -- surgery! Please just let me need surgery!
dr090307 -- This is crazy, Norm. We've been waiting here a long time!. - I'm not sick. I'm just a little run-down, that's all! - It's not that I'm afraid to be examined. It's just a waste of time. C'mon, let's go. - Mr. Drabble, the doctor will see you
dr090307 -- now. Dang! I was almost out of here!!
dr090308 -- Mind if I turn off this sappy love song radio station? Not yet, Wendy! - ...and now we have a dedication from Norman to Wendy! - Wendy, Norman wants you to know that he love as you even more than his pet duck! - You are like the aerosol cheese
dr090308 -- on his soda cracker! - Your eyes are like big pools of smurfs, and your breath smells like the food court at the mall! - Norman says that without you, he's nothing...although he admits that he's not much *with* you, either! - He thinks of you
dr090308 -- night and day, except at 4:30, when he watches "Spongebob." Also, he...oh, forget it! - Good luck, Wendy. This Norman guy sounds like a real loser!! OK, let's turn on sports talk, now!
dr090309 -- What brings you here, Mr. Drabble? My son insisted I come, doctor. - I've been a little sick, but I really think I'm OK! - Doctor, I received a text message from my future self, telling me to bring him here right away! - We'll run some tests
dr090309 -- on both of you. By the way, don't tell the doctors about the texts!
dr090310 -- Tell me, Mr. Drabble, does it hurt when I press here? No. - How about here? Nope. - Here? AAAAAAAAAAUUUUGGGHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - Nope!
dr090311 -- Mr. Drabble, the doctor asked me to start you on an I.V. An I.V.??! - Now, you might feel a little poke  in your arm. Ready? One...two... - THREE!! - That wasn't so bad, was it?! One and two were OK, but three was brutal!
dr090312 -- Hi, honeybunch! Ralph!! Norman told me you were here!! - How are you??! How AM I?? - I'm lying in a hospital bedhokked up to an I.V.!! It's safe to assume I'm not at the top of my game! - Sounds like he's going to be fine! How *am* I, she
dr090312 -- asks!
dr090313 -- Mr. Drabble, you have appendicitis. You're going to need surgery. SURGERY??!!! - I've never HAD surgery before!! I don't WANT to have surgery!! - I demand a second opinion!! - Fine. YOU'RE GOING TO NEED SURGERY!!! Okie-doke!
dr090314 -- I don't want to have my appendix taken out! - I've never had surgery before! - What if the anesthesia wears off and I wake up in the middle of the operation? - You slept through the '94 earthquake, Ralph. Trust me, you're not going to wake
dr090314 -- up!
dr090315 -- Oogie! It's time for your num-nums! whirrrrrr - There you go! - YAWN - Cats never act excited when they get fed. It's undignified! - A cat won't eat until it's good and ready! - This is why cats are superior. This is why cats are mysterious...
dr090315 -- - Burp! - And that's why cats hate dogs!
dr090316 -- Wake up, Mr. Drabble! It's time to wheel you to surgery. Huh? Wha..? Don't worry about a thing, dad! - You know how sometimes doctors operate on the wrong body part? - While you were asleep, I wrote "cut here" on your lower left side! - My
dr090316 -- appendix is on the *right* side!! DANG!
dr090317 -- Maternity - X-Ray - SCREECH!! - I used to be a parking valet! You don't say!
dr090318 -- Where am I?? You're out of surgery, Mr. Drabble. - Good news! The operation went well! - You'll be back to your old self in no time! - I thought you said it was *good* news! That's my wife, doctor, in case you haven't guessed!
dr090319 -- This is ridiculous! I've called for the nurse seven times today... - And I still haven't  seen her! - You've had your surgery! Why are they keeping you in the hospital, anyway? - They wanted to keep an eye on me!
dr090320 -- Mr. Drabble, we're sending you home! Doc, I must say, this has been quite an experience! - I ignored my health for so long because I was afraid of doctors and medical procedures! - Bit I never will again! From now on, I'll get regular
dr090320 -- checkups and take better care of myself! - Speaking of that, it's time to schedule your first colonoscopy!
dr090321 -- You lost a lot of weight in the hospital, Ralph! - I wonder how long it will take you... - To gain it...all...back. - Say what? Never mind.
dr090322 -- Ralph Drabble's List Of Common Phrases That Are Never, Ever True! - Please continue to hold. Your call is very important to us! - Our dog has never dome anything like that before! - Urgent! Open immediately! - 10 items or less only. - You can
dr090322 -- decide where we go to dinner. I really don't care! - Now, that wasn't so bad, was it?
dr090323 -- Honeybunch, times are tough, so I've decided to take a second job! Doing what? - Working at the retirement village as an access granter! Access granter?? - I'll be stationed at the main gate, and it will be my job to decide who gets to come
dr090323 -- in! - In other words, you're a security guard? Access granter sounds cooler.
dr090324 -- ANOTHER JOB?? Dad, that's insane! You'll be exhausted! - I know these are tough times, but I will not let you do it! - Well, I suppose YOU could work part-time to help us out! - Chop chop, big guy! You don't want to be late for your first day
dr090324 -- on the job!
dr090325 -- HALT! STATE YOUR BUSINESS!! - I'm here to visit my mother, Mrs. Sherbert! Uh-huh. And what's *your* name? - I'm Mrs. Green! If she's your mother, why do you have different last names??! - Because I got married! Oh yeah, huh! Dang! I thought I
dr090325 -- had my first bust!
dr090326 -- Officer Drabble, I was only in the clubhouse for five minutes! - I'm sorry, Mrs. Unger, but I have to enforce the law! - You can't park on the sidewalk! Fine, but will you at least take the "boot" off my motorized scooter?!
dr090327 -- How was your first day on the job, Ralph? Great! - The retirement village is a great place to work! - Tomorrow, I'll be working from sundown to sunrise! - You're working the GRAVEYARD SHIFT?? We try not to call it that at the retirement
dr090327 -- village!
dr090328 -- Ralph, why are you working the graveyard shift?? - Because the retirement village needs someone who is alert and ready for anything! - Someone who is keenly aware, and who will stand guard throughout the night and never falter! - So why are
dr090328 -- you taking a sleeping bag? - Boy, you ask a lot of questions!
dr090329 -- Hey, Norm! There's a penny on the ground! Aren't you going to pick it up? - Naw, it's only a penny! - ONLY A PENNY?!! - Son, do you realize that every millionaire started with a penny?! - Whenever you find a penny on the ground, you're on
dr090329 -- your way to a million bucks! - Do YOU have a million bucks yet, daddy? No. - How come? - He can never pick up the penny!
dr090330 -- When will dinner be ready, honeybunch? Two minutes. - Ralph! Why are you eating an ice cream sandwich??? - I told you dinner would be ready in two minutes!! - No problem! I can eat one of these in thirty seconds!
dr090331 -- Dad, you'd better sit down! I've got big news! - I got a job at All-Mart! I stand at the door and greet people as they enter the store! - Can you believe it?! What a sweet job!! - I was so excited, I could hardly sleep during math class!
dr090331 -- Congratulations, Son!
dr090401 -- Norman got a job, honeybunch! - What kind of job? He's the new greeter at All-Mart! - The beauty of it is, there's practically no way he can goof it up! - Good morning! It's afternoon, Einstein!
dr090402 -- Hello. Welcome to All-Mart. - Hello. Welcome to All-Mart. - Hello. Welcome to All-Mart. - Hopefully, by the end of the month, I'll have this memorized!
dr090403 -- Hello. Welcome.....to...........All-Mart! - YES! I finally memorized my line!! - Drabble, we need you to work over at the exit for a while! - Thank you for shopping at All-Mart. Thank you for shopping at All-Mart.
dr090404 -- - Hello. Welcome to All-Mart! - Hello. Welcome to All-Mart! - Hello! Welcome to All-Mart! - IS THERE ANYONE ELSE WHO ENTERED THE STORE WHILE I WAS ON MY BREAK?
dr090405 -- - - - - - WHAM! - That's quite a cell phone bill! Those texting charged really add up.
dr090406 -- What's for... Dinner? Fast food. - Why do you always... Finish your sentences? - Because your questions are usually pretty obvious. - Ralph! Did you... Finish your french fries? Yes.
dr090407 -- Hello, welcome to All-Mart. - Hello, welcome to All-Mart. Hello, welcome to All-Mart. - Hello, welcome to All-Mart. Hello, welcome to All-Mart. Hello, welcome to All-Mart. Somebody please help me, I'm losing my mind. Hello, welcome to
dr090407 -- All-Mart. Hello...
dr090408 -- Poor Norman...his job is so monotonous! - He has to say, "Hello, welcome to All-Mart," to every person who enters the store! - Oh, well...If I know Norm, he'll find a way to make it interesting. - Hello. Welcome to All-Nart!
dr090409 -- Hello, welcome to All-Nart! - I saw your lips move! Good for you, lady. - The weight loss shakes are on aisle five! - Sorry! Every ventriloquist's dunny is a smart-aleck!
dr090410 -- Welcome to...whoa, good thing there's not a dress code! - Hey, cachi! F.y.i.-very few guys look good in sleeveless shirts! - Who's your fashion adviser, Larry the cable guy? - BAM! - Ow.
dr090411 -- Hi, Wendy! Welcome to All-Mart! - THAT'S WENDY?? I thought you said she was hot! - What's with the dummy? - He's my assistant greeter! That's the one I was talking to!
dr090412 -- -
dr090413 -- - Ralph, I hate it when you read over my shoulder! O, Sorry! - I guess we both have a lot of annoying habits that drive each other crazy. - COME BACK HERE!
dr090414 -- Ralph, what did you mean when you said that we both have annoying habits that drive each other crazy? - What could I possibly do that annoys you? - - Not a thing! COME BACK HERE!
dr090415 -- Ralph, you said that we both have annoying habits that drive each other crazy... - What annoying habits do *I* have?? - Honeybunch, I misspoke you have no annoying habits at all! Everything you do is delightful and charming! scratch scratch -
dr090415 -- One of YOUR annoying habits is that you always scratch your ear when you're lying! Dang.
dr090416 -- So, Ralph, you said we both have annoying habits that drive each other crazy. What are my annoying habits? - Well, for example... - NOOOO!!! You'll be sleeping on the couch until labor day! Tell her! She needs to know she slurps her corn
dr090416 -- flakes!
dr090417 -- Honeybunch, I've thought it over, and... - She blurts out the answers on "Jeopardy"! She makes you eat fish even though she knows you don't like it! - She doesn't let you get a word in Edgewise! She applies makeup in the car, so you have to
dr090417 -- drive really slow! She sets the thermostat way too high! She's a backseat driver! She throws out your favorite old shirts! - ...I can't think of a single thing you do that annoys me! Smart man! Chicken!
dr090418 -- - Ralph, stand up straight! - Are you kidding?? - I can't even lie down straight!
dr090419 -- - SCCRRREEEEE - EEEEEEEEEE - EEEEEEEEEEEEE - EEEEEEEEEEE - EECHH! THUMP! scrub scrub wash wash! - - I'm back from the store with fruits and vegetables for you to eat on your new diet, Ralph! Great! Now I understand why dad never oils the
dr090419 -- garage door opener!
dr090420 -- - Honeybunch, it's almost may! - Don't you think you should take down the mistletoe? NOT UNTIL IT WORKS!
dr090421 -- Hello? ...what? Yes. ...huh? - There's a bunch of static on the line! - Hello? - It's my mother!! Like I said...
dr090422 -- Daddy's very upset with you, Penny! That was a very naughty thing to do! - Look at me when I'm talking to you! - - OK, don't look at me!
dr090423 -- The neighbors bought an expensive new home security system! - We should get one, too, Ralph! We can't afford one! - The sign alone is a deterrent! This House Protected By Polecat Security - This House Protected By Polecat Security  And So Is
dr090423 -- The House Next-Door!
dr090424 -- Why are you watching that dumb show? Some of these reality shows can be very thought-provoking! *!!*?*!! - In fact, it just gave me the thought to change channels!
dr090425 -- It's one of life's great mysteries! - I guess I'll never know! Know what? - What do human beings *think* about all day? Not much, I'm guessing!
dr090426 -- Snack Of Flapjacks Your table is ready! - Right this way! - - Excuse me...if I order pigs in a blanket, can I get a Belgian Waffle on the side? - Do I look like I work here? - No, but you look like you come here a lot!
dr090427 -- HAATCH-ZZYZXX - What the heck was THAT? I sneezed! - That was the strangest sounding sneeze I've ever heard! Do you ALWAYS sneeze like that?? - I don't know. Calm down. Let's find out! Here's some pepper!
dr090428 -- Norman, quit making fun of the way I sneeze! I'm not making fun, Wendy! - I'm just pointing out that sneezes are like fingerprints. No two people sneeze exactly alike! - Some sneezes are loud, some are soft! Some are funny, some are dainty! -
dr090428 -- Let's stop there, please! YOUR sneeze sounds like an alligator choking on a beehive!
dr090429 -- Norman, everyone sneezes differently! - That's the sound I make when I sneeze! Sorry if it bothers you! - It doesn't bother mes at all, Wendy! It actually made me feel kind of good! - I realized that I may be a loser, but at least I sneeze
dr090429 -- like a normal person!
dr090430 -- Let's see, there are central incisors, lateral incisors... - Cuspids , bicuspids, molars... - Darn! There's no way I'm going to remember all this! - Norman, when I said you were having a dental exam tomorrow, I meant...oh, forget it!
dr090501 -- No, YOU are! No, YOU are!! Patrick! Penny! Why can't you two ever get along?! - I suffer from middle-child syndrome, Mom! - But you're the youngest! Patrick HAS it, I just suffer from it!
dr090502 -- RIP! - OK, Wally... I knew it! I knew it! - Here you go! CLOMP! - These things always like to hide in the middle of the paper towels!
dr090503 -- - What's happening in this TV show? - Patrick, it's almost over! Don't ask me to explain it all! - Just tell me what they're doing! ...sigh... - That guy's a spy, and he's trying to get back on the helicopter before it takes off, but the bad
dr090503 -- guy is trying to stop him because he knows that... - DANG! I just missed the ending!! - What happened? Who knows? You were yakking through it!
dr090504 -- Hello? ...yes, I'll bring you more tomato soup! . Whoops! - SPLOINK - I wish you wouldn't call me when I'm in the buffet line!
dr090505 -- Your dog woke me up barking again, Steinbauer! - What are you going to do about it? I'll give him an extra biscuit! HA! HA! - Have you ever considered an electric shock collar? I wouldn't put one of those on my dog! - I meant for YOU!
dr090506 -- The following program is really lame. - Viewer discretion is not advised! Sounds like my kind of show!
dr090507 -- - - ? - RALPH, YOU FORGOT TO EMPTY THE POCKETS OF YOUR CARGO PANTS AGAIN!
dr090508 -- I need another $40 out of the ATM machine. - Ralph, the term "ATM Machine" is redundant! - "ATM" stands for "Automated Teller Machine" It does? - I thought it stood for "Always Taking Money"!
dr090509 -- Wednesday Mother's Day is Sunday! - Thursday Mother's Day is Sunday! - Friday Mother's Day is Sunday! - Saturday Mother's Day is tomorrow, Dad! Holy Crud! What time do the stores close??
dr090510 -- Mother's Day Poem By Norman, Patrick, and Penny - You cook breakfast for us every day of the week, and do so without a complaint, Pancakes and bacon, sausage and eggs, our mother's indeed a saint! But today is the day that we honor our mom so
dr090510 -- we did cooking instead. Waffles, french toast and eggs over easy. We hope you like breakfast in bed! Now we don't mean to spoil this wonderful day, but there's something we must confess. We're not good at cooking, and not very neat. So the
dr090510 -- kitchen is kind of a mess! The milk got spilled, the batter splattered, our hearts are filled with sorrow. But today is *your' day, mom, so we must insist, don't clean it all up tomorrow! - And we *mean* it, too! Good luck getting the grape
dr090510 -- jelly off the ceiling!
dr090511 -- JENNIFER ANISTON! What are YOU doing in our kitchen? - Oh, it's YOU, honeybunch! My mistake! - Would you like to lick the cake frosting, Ralph? - That was impressive! The key is to keep a straight face!
dr090512 -- Penny, go straight to bed! I *can't* go straight to bed! - Why not? - Because to get to my room, I have to go left, then right, then left, then left again! SNORT!
dr090513 -- Excuse me...do I know you? No, I don't think so! - You look very familiar, and I can't figure out why! - Oh well, I'm sure it will come to me later! -
dr090514 -- Would you like me to vacuum for you, honeybunch? No thanks. You always miss the corners. - Want me to wash the dishes? No, you never get them clean enough. - Dad's either totally inept, or a lot smarter than he looks! I sure hop I don't knock
dr090514 -- over any of these vases! LEAVE THEM ALONE! I'LL DO THE DUSTING!
dr090515 -- KNOCK KNOCK - Hello! - I'm the mobile cat groomer! I never would've guessed! Here's Oogie! Good luck!
dr090516 -- Hold on, Penny! - BUT NOT TO MY HAIR!! - Oops! Sorry! -
dr090517 -- - - - - - - Wally certainly knows how to entertain himself! "Dachshund" must be German for !Insane dog"!
dr090518 -- Being the All-Mart greeter is not as simple as it looks! - Not only do I say hello to everyone, but I must keep my eyes and ears open for suspicious persons or activity! - Hello! Welcome to All-Mart! - Ski equipment is on aisle 37!
dr090519 -- Wait! You dropped a DVD! - Have a nice day! Enjoy all of that stereo equipment! - STOP THAT MAN!! Oh yeah, huh! - YOU CAN'T GO OUT THAT WAY! IT SAYS "ENTRANCE ONLY"!!
dr090520 -- Excuse me, Sir! I think you failed to pay for that merchandise! - I'll have to detain you until the police arrive! -  -SLAM! All right, then! You leave me no alternative but to make a citizen's arrest!
dr090521 -- I can't believe this! I'm in the trunk of a thief's getaway car! - I can't see a thing in here! What should I do?? - Remain calm. Call for help on your cell phone! - Light a flare so you can see! NEVER LISTEN TO HIM!!
dr090522 -- Hi, dad! It's me, Norm! I've got a little problem... What? - I tried to stop a thief today. Long story short, I'm now locked in the trunk of his getaway car! - Remain calm, son. This sort of thing happens to mall cops all the time... - Which
dr090522 -- is why everyone in Hollywood wants to make a mall cop movie!! IT ALL STARTED WITH ME, DANG IT!! Sorry if I called at a bad time, dad!
dr090523 -- OK, Norm...here's how you escape from the trunk of the car... - Remove the panel that covers the taillights. Remove the bulb... - Knock out the lens and stick your hand through to attract the attention of other motorists! - How about if I
dr090523 -- just pull the "open trunk" lever? Yeah, that would work, too.
dr090524 -- - Uh-oh! GRRRRRR!! - WALLY, LET GO!! THAT SOCK'S GOT YOUR FOOT! I'LL SAVE YOU!! - GOT IT! - What would you people do without me around here? - Dachshund owners shouldn't wear socks around the house! ANOTHER ONE!
dr090525 -- At last! Every chore on my "Honey-Do" list is done! - Dad, will you please blow up my wading pool, now? - When the "Honey-Do's" end, the "Do-Dads" begin! - Dad, when you're done with that, will you take me to the driving range?
dr090526 -- Bob! Welcome back from Brazil! Muito obrigado! Brazil?? - Bob migrated to South America to visit his relatives! - That's a long trip! You must be exhausted! - Actually, I only made it as far as the Taco Bell in Fresno. He has relatives?
dr090527 -- This duck is from Brazil?? Bob isn't a duck, dad... - He's a rare and valuable south American parrot! - I know how much you hate ducks! How dumb do you think I am?! - Well... I'd never let on that he's valuable!!
dr090528 -- Cramming for finals is exhausting! - I'm tired of studying! I can't read another word!! - I'm going to bed! - It's only 4:30 in the afternoon! I know! That's how boring it is!
dr090529 -- Hello, boss. It's me, Drabble. I won't be at work today. - I'm dealing with a nagging cold. - RALPH! I NEED ANOTHER BOX OF TISSUES!! - There it is now!
dr090530 -- - - How does the fence look, honeybunch? Well, it's not perfect... - But since you already put the paint away, it'll have to do! If there's one thing I've learned, it's to put the paint away quickly!
dr090531 -- - COME ON, SIGNAL! CHANGE!! GREEN LIGHT!! COME ON!! - LET'S GO ALREADY!!! ...10...9...8...7...6...5...4... - 3...2...1! - PRESS! - BLINK! - HEY, I WANT ONE OF THOSE THINGS! If you know exactly when the signal is about to change, you can
dr090531 -- really mess with people!
dr090601 -- My life hasn't turned out exactly as I had anticipated. - When I was young, I dreamed of becoming a mover and shaker. - Me too. - Unfortunately, as I get older, I seem to be doing more shaking than moving!
dr090602 -- Look! I found another plastic bottle! - It was hiding in the recycle bin! - - No need to thank me!
dr090603 -- Alex Trebek is very handsome, isn't he? - He's also very smart and he dresses well. - Did I mention that he's handsome? - Allow me to apologize once again for calling Rachael Ray a hottie. I'll take "Hunky Hosts" for $1,000, Alex!
dr090604 -- Where do you want me to park the car, dad? I have no opinion. - You always have an opinion! Park it anywhere you want! - BUT NOT HERE!! - I have no opinion where you park it, but I do have opinions of where you *shouldn't* park it!
dr090605 -- - - It's a good thing you wear the pants in the family, because I can hardly fit into 'em  anymore! You can still wear the sweat-pants in the family!
dr090606 -- Every man loves to barbecue! - Grilling meat outdoors over an open fire makes me feel a connection to my caveman ancestors! - That reminds me, I made a barbecue apron just for you! - I think you misspelled it! No, I didn't. Kiss The Kook
dr090607 -- ZZYZX - Why is dad sleeping under the car? ZZYZX! - RALPH! - Ralph, I need you to... - Oh, you're fixing the car. - Never mind. I'll do it myself! The only way dad can take a neap on the weekend is to make it look like he's doing something
dr090607 -- else! ZZYZX!
dr090608 -- How's your Hotdog, honeybunch? Not bad... - But when you said we were going to an exclusive place for dinner, I was expecting something different! We had to show our membership cards! How exclusive can you get?
dr090609 -- The food court at Bulk Club is the best value on earth! Where else can you get a hot dog and and soda for only $1.50? - We just fed our family of five for only $7.50! - Don't forget about the yearly $100 membership fee. Oh yeah, huh! Crud!
dr090610 -- Well, now that I've had a hot dog, a polish sausage, a slice of pizza and a churro, it's time to do a little shopping! - Their food court prices are so cheap, I don't know how Bulk Club makes any money! They sell a lot of those economy-size
dr090610 -- stomach antiacids!
dr090611 -- Shopping at Bulk Club is great! - There's only one thing I don't like about it... - I always bump into people I know! Ralph, you wouldn't need to buy all these weight-loss shakes if you'd quit buying all those ice cream sandwiches!
dr090612 -- I've noticed something... - The more you shop at bulk club... - The more your garage starts to *resemble* bulk club! Mom, where's the cereal? Aisle 5!
dr090613 -- Care for a free sample, sir?  Don't mind if I do! - That's another thing I like about Bulk Club! They give everyone free samples! - GRRRRRR! - Almost everyone!
dr090614 -- HALT! - Welcome to Wobbly Heights RetirementVillage! State your name and the purpose of your visit! - I'm Ms. Wilson, and I'm here to visit my grandmother Mrs. Poindexter! - You may proceed! CLAP! CLAP! - - The security arm is hooked up to a
dr090614 -- *clapper*?? Most things are, around here!
dr090615 -- I need to fix my hair!  - The toolbox is in the garage. - Hee hee! - OW! I beginning to understand why women live longer longer than men!
dr090616 -- Here comes the water! - - Whenever Dad gets in the pool, it's high tide in our backyard!
dr090617 -- CANNONBALL!! - Dad's the only person I know who can scare water!
dr090618 -- Wow! What's all that? I'm playing Solitaire. - You mean people can now play Solitaire without a COMPUTER?? - What will they think of next??! These are amazing times in which we live!
dr090619 -- Dad's come home from work, everybody! - I'm home! - I'm home! - Thank goodness for Wally!
dr090620 -- When I open the front door, Wally will be there with a ball, waiting for me to come home and play with him. - How do I tell him that I've had a long day and I'm too exhausted to play? - - I don't.
dr090621 -- Hello, Mr. Drabble! I'm from the mobile cat-grooming service! - I'm here for Oogie's summer grooming! - H...Hello, Oogie! grrr... Good luck! - GRRROOWWLL! scratch! claw! bite! snarl! AAUGHH!! - KNOCK KNOCK - All done! Oogie looks good, but
dr090621 -- you're a wreck! - Come back here, I'd also like to give you a tip... - Consider a different line of work!
dr090622 -- Sigh. - - Are you going to take some of EVERYTHING??! I've got to be home in bed by 11:30!! Patience is a virtue, especially in the buffet line!
dr090623 -- There are three things in life which are certain... - Death... Taxes... - And when I get home from work, Wally the wiener dog will be waiting for me with a ball to play with!
dr090624 -- When I come home and see Wally waiting for me with a ball in his mouth, I always wonder... - Has he been waiting here ever since I left this morning... - Or did he just come here, knowing that I always come home right about now? - It's a
dr090624 -- trade secret.
dr090625 -- I hate it when people leave fliers on my front door! - Gardeners, houses, housekeepers, coupons... - I hate the clutter! - Now, let's see what's in the fridge!
dr090626 -- I'm getting so old... - My hands are uglier than my feet! - No they're not! - She never could take a compliment!
dr090627 -- The mail came! - Here are some bills. - It may seem strange, but I actually enjoy paying bills! - That's good, because here are a few more! ...of course that's not to say you can't have too much of a good thing!
dr090628 -- - - CANNONBALL!! - - SPLOOSH! - Who needs the ocean when you've got Dad?! - He always HAS been good at making waves!
dr090629 -- Ralph, you fenderhead! What did I do now? - You ruined our calendar! You wrote "Golf With No-Neck" on July 7th, and took up the entire box! - There are five people in this family! Someone else might want to write something on July 7th, too! -
dr090629 -- Just when I thought I'd heard everything... Where's the whiteout?
dr090630 -- Hey, some kids are toilet papering our house!! - I'm going to scare 'em away! - - How'd that go? Not so good.
dr090701 -- - OOF! - - My new "Fat Blockers" work pretty good, don't they?
dr090702 -- Patrick, there's one thing all great athletes do to improve their game... - They study films! - I think we should do that, too! - I'm not sure watching *the babe ruth story* is going to help me! Are you kidding? William Bendix had a great
dr090702 -- swing!
dr090703 -- WOOSH - HIC! - WOOSH - HIC! - Never try to blow up a beach ball when you have the hiccups!
dr090704 -- Mom, what's for dinner tonight? Spinach casserole! - YUK!! - What's for dinner *tomorrow* night? *Leftover* spinach casserole! - Would you like to know what's for dinner the night after that? No, I think I'll just go live at grandma's house!
dr090705 -- What would you like for dinner tonight, Ralph? - Oh, I don't know... - How about that broccoli casserole dish that you like to make? - Really?? I always thought you didn't like my broccoli casserole! - I don't, but I've got a stuffy nose and
dr090705 -- I can't taste anything, so this would be the perfect night for it! - The thanks I get for trying to be helpful!
dr090706 -- Dad, is it better manners to put the ketchup directly on the french fries... - Or to dip each of them individually? - SKRAKK! - Say what? Never mind.
dr090707 -- Hi, honeybunch! - She's giving me the silent treatment. - What did you do? I wish I knew. - I'd do it more often.
dr090708 -- click! - WHIRRRR !  - You dumb cat! Why on earth are you afraid of a vacuum cleaner?? It's not like it's gonna... - AAAAAUUUGGHH!!
dr090709 -- Wendy, I have things going through my head... Besides air? - I'm thinking about our future together... - I'm thinking about the state of the world, I'm thinking about... - WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "BESIDES AIR"??!
dr090710 -- Are we there yet? Stop asking that! - It's annoying, and it won't make us get there any faster! - Patience is a virtue, and don't ever forget it! - Dinner ready yet?
dr090711 -- I'm having a bad day! I'm sorry. - Ralph, I hate it when you say you're sorry all the time! Sorry. - There you go again! Sorry. You need to stop doing that! - Sorry. You're gonna be sorry, all right!
dr090712 -- I'm home from work! - Hello, Wally! - I know you've been sitting here patiently waiting for me to come home... - But I'm too tired to play ball with you! - I work two jobs to make ends meet! By the end of the day, I'm too exhausted to chase
dr090712 -- you around the house trying to get the ball away from you! - So I'm sorry and I hope you'll understand, but... - GOT IT!
dr090713 -- Hey, Norm... - Hang on, dad! I've got three conversations going on here! - How does someone who can't walk and chew gum at the same time manage to text, E-Mail and talk all at once? Uh-huh...yeah... text text
dr090714 -- What time is it, Wendy? 12:25 DANG IT! - Everybody says a broken clock is right twice a day, but it's not true! - My watch is broken, and every time I check it, it says 6:52, which is never the right time! - I'll check it again in ten minutes
dr090714 -- and if it's still not right, I'm calling "Mythbusters".
dr090715 -- text text text text text No texting at the dinner table! - I'm your father, and what I say GOES! - Yeah, it goes through one ear and out the other! text text text text text ...Sigh...
dr090716 -- Dad, your problem is that life is passing you by. - You're a fuddy-duddy! You're a master of the mundane! You're simple-minded and boring! - Instead of your tired old ways, you should try a more creative approach! - You need to start thinking
dr090716 -- outside the box! You're going to be thinking outside the car, in a minute!
dr090717 -- My "listening" face. - My "I'm sorry" face. - My "oh, boy, we're going to your mother's house again" face! - My "concerned" face. - My "I love your new dress" face. - My "Sure, I'd love you to come play golf with me! face. - Every husband
dr090717 -- should take a little time to practice his faces!
dr090718 -- Look, Oogie! I bought you a toy! It attaches to your scratching post! - It wiggles, and you'll freak out because you'll think it's alive! Oh really... yawn - Exactly how dumb do you think I am?? - IT'S ALIIIIIIVE!!
dr090719 -- How war your golf game, dad? - Great! I ALMOST got a hole-in-hole! Wow! - Not only that, but I NEARLY got an EAGLE! Really?! - And I came THIS CLOSE to chipping it on the 11th! - And then I DARN-NEAR sank a 50-foot putt! - Way to go, dad! -
dr090719 -- You almost da' man!
dr090720 -- - - Have I mentioned lately how much I hate cats? Not since breakfast.
dr090721 -- You dumb cat! You got all wet! - Come with me! - CLICK! RRROOWWL! WHIRRR! AAAUUGH! - What happened? Never turn on a blow-dryer while holding a cat!
dr090722 -- GAAAAAAHHHH!! WHAM! - Whenever I get hurt, the dog always comes to me with concern! - The cat, on the other hand, just looks at me like I'm an idiot! - That's why dogs are better than cats! Actually, I just came over to see if he dropped any
dr090722 -- food!
dr090723 -- Here, Oogie! What's that? - It's a cat toy! Cats don't play with toys! - No cat would be dumb enough to play with a stupid thing like that! What do you think I am... - CLOMP! ...a dog?
dr090724 -- LOST CAT - White and orange. Has sharp claws, fleas, and sheds a lot. - If found, please keep! - Look who was hiding under the bed! Dang it!
dr090725 -- Bulk Club Membership Discount Warehouse It always takes a long time to check out at Bulk Club because everyone buys so much! - The good news is, they opened up an express line! - The bad news is, it's 75 items or less!
dr090726 -- Hi, honeybunch! - Honeybunch? Can you hear me?? - Oh, I see...you're listening to your iPod! - Well then, this might be a good time to tell you that I refuse to go to your sister's house next weekend! - I'M PUTTING MY FOOT DOWN! YOU CAN'T
dr090726 -- TELL ME WHAT TO DO! I'M THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE, AND THAT'S FINAL!! - Oh, hi Ralph! - By the way, we're going to my sister's house next weekend! Okeydoke! - Oh, be quiet! I don't say a word!
dr090727 -- Mom seems a little upset today, dad. That's because she thinks I've forgotten that our anniversary is tomorrow! - Why does she think that? Because that's what I want her to think! - Then tomorrow, when she's really mad, I'll give her this
dr090727 -- expensive watch, and she'll look like a complete fool! - How romantic! It's MY anniversary too! I deserve to have a little fun!
dr090728 -- Check this out, Norm! I bought your mom an expensive watch for our anniversary! - I even had it inscribed! - "To my first wife, honeybunch. Best regards, Ralph." - How's THAT for sentimental? It could've used a little more "mental".
dr090729 -- Norm, go find a clock and set your mom's new watch to the right time, but don't let her see it! OK! - Norman, it's trash day! AAAUUGH! - Well, don't panic! I just want you to take the cans out to the curb! Okie-doke! - I'd say he's acting
dr090729 --strangely, but with Norman, it's hard to tell.
dr090730 -- - That was a close one! The trash truck is on the way, and I almost forgot to take the cans out! - Where's the watch? What watch? - THE EXPENSIVE WATCH I BOUGHT FOR YOUR MOTHER THAT YOU WERE GOING TO SET FOR ME!! Uh-oh...
dr090731 -- Norman, where's the watch I'm giving your mom for our anniversary? I...I don't know! - It was in my hand, but then mom told me to take the trash out to the curb... ...I must have dropped it in the trash can! - No problem, dad! We'll just
dr090731 -- empty the can and we'll find it! No problem! - Problem.
dr090801 -- City Dump My son here accidentally dropped a very expensive watch in the trash! - It was an anniversary gift for my wife! Do you mind if we look around the dump and try to find it? - Are you kidding?? What are the odds of finding a WATCH in
dr090801 -- the DUMP?? - Then again, what were the odds of your son doing such a dumb thing in the first place?! In his case, pretty good!
dr090802 -- There's only one way to relax around here on a Sunday afternoon... - I'll need my reading glasses... - And a good book! - Now I'm all set! - Aw, isn't that cute? I'm less likely to get in trouble for being lazy if it looks like I fell asleep
dr090802 -- accidentally!
dr090803 -- This is hopeless! - Trying to find a lost watch in the city dump is like looking for a needle in a haystack! - Your anniversary is tomorrow! What are you going to give mom if we can't find the watch? - I wonder if she'd like a slightly used
dr090803 -- fishing pole?
dr090804 -- City Dump I give up. You must admit, dad, it's actually kind of funny! - You buy an expensive watch for mom, I accidentally drop it in the trash, and here we are, looking for it at the city dump! - I wonder if our insurance will cover it? - A
dr090804 -- lost watch? No, your upcoming medical bills!
dr090805 -- We'll never find it. The chances of finding your mother's watch in the city dump are slim to none! - Whoa! LOOK!! I don't BELIEVE it!! This is INCREDIBLE!!! - You found the watch??!! - No, somebody threw away a perfectly good Etch A Sketch!
dr090806 -- City Dump It's getting dark. We'll never find your mom's watch! - We've been here for hours sifting through trash. I'm exhausted and demoralized. - I give up. Let's go home. Dad, what if I discovered that mom's watch had been in my pocket this
dr090806 -- whole time? Would you be mad? - MAD IS NOT THE WORD! Remember, I said, "what if"!
dr090807 -- City Dump Dad! Look! I found mom's watch! That's impossible. - It CAN'T be the same watch. Read the inscription! - "To my first wife, honeybunch. Best regards, Ralph." - See? My name's not Ralph! IT SAID RALPH!!
dr090808 -- Happy anniversary, honeybunch! - You two smell TERRIBLE! - That's because we've been at the city dump, looking for your anniversary gift! - You got my anniversary gift at the CITY DUMP?!! - Yeah, and I also picked up a few things for myself!
dr090809 -- text text text text - text text - Oops! My bad! I hate texting!
dr090810 -- Honeybunch, would you like me to take you to see that stupid new chick flick? - The reviews are awful and it looks pretty dumb, but I'll suffer through it if you insist. - No, thanks. - Don't say I never offer to take you to the movies!
dr090811 -- - - - Your mom said I could have pancakes if I promised not to syrup on them!
dr090812 -- It says here that the key to a good marriage is to never tell your spouse what to do! - I never tell YOU what to do, do I? - - Answer me!
dr090813 -- - How was Woodstock? Hee hee! - Fine. How was the donut shop? - Smart aleck!
dr090814 -- Say cheese! I wish you hadn't brought that to the amusement park! - The camera adds ten pounds! - The backpack adds 25, the purse adds 15, the jacket adds five or six... We're going the roller coaster. Hold your Hats, too!
dr090815 -- How was your golf game, dad? - I shot seven birdies and two eagles! Wow! - What was your score? 103. - 103?? The back nine were brutal!
dr090816 -- Help me unload the groceries, Ralph... - I'm home from the store! - - - - - - You didn't come home FROM the store, you came home WITH the store!
dr090817 -- It's good to see you again, aunt Myrna! - Haa-CHOO! Whoa!! - Was that IT?? Was that WHAT, Penny? - Dad says aunt Myrna likes to shoot her mouth off!
dr090818 -- Everyone come out to the pool!! - And bring the video camera! What for?? - Dad's trying to get on top of the raft again!!
dr090819 -- The mail arrived! - Junk mail, junk mail, bills, junk mail... - Anything for me? Yeah, here... - "Recapture your youth with botox"??!! - My sense of humor is both a blessing and a curse!
dr090820 -- Hey, No-Neck! It's Ralph! I just realized that today is your birthday. - I forgot to send you a card, so I'll just read you one over the phone... - "Happy birthday to someone who is now old enough to drive with his blinker on!" - You're
dr090820 -- welcome. Bye! Men are so easy!
dr090821 -- Patrick! Don't be afraid to bounce the ball off your head!! - It won't hurt! There's nothing but wait inside! - That goes for the BALL, too! - I'm going to deck this coach in a minute! Parents probably shouldn't come to the practices.
dr090822 -- It's the ninth inning and the pitcher has a no-hitter going! - This is really exciting! Even I'M nervous! - I can feel the butterflies in my stomach! - You're right, mom. Dad WILL eat anything!
dr090823 -- Hi, Ralph! The usual? - Hello, Ralph! The usual? - The usual, Mr. Drabble? - Hello, Mr. Drabble. The usual? - Hi, Ralph! The usual? - Ooooohh! The usual, Ralph?
dr090824 -- How was your first day back at the college, Norman? I'm off to a bad start, mom. - I already had to drop one class because it wasn't what I expected. - What class was that? The complete works of Ibsen. - I thought we'd be watching the
dr090824 -- Beverley Hills Billies and Barnaby Jones!
dr090825 -- chirp chirp! Whoa! I'm getting a text message! - Hello. The back of your head is cute. - text text text text - So is the front of your head!
dr090826 -- chirp chirp! text text text  - My name is Brtny. What's urs? - text text text chirp chirp! - Nrmn, but the chks call me Nrmy. I'm going to brf!
dr090827 -- What's up with the duck? text texty text - texty text Bob is not a duck. - He's a rare south American parrot that takes on the characteristics of a duck for survival in the - in the what?? Sorry. My thumbs got tired!
dr090828 -- Tell me something about yourself, Nrmn. - I can play the theme from Bonanza with my armpit. - - I'm sry I askd! Maybe I shouldn't have started with that one!
dr090829 -- Dad, i mt a grl at schl tdy and her nme is brtny. - Why are you talking like that? Sorry, I've been doing a lot of texting!
dr090830 -- Boys, look at this bedroom of yours! I can't BELIEVE it! - It look s so much better! Thanks for tidying up! It took us all afternoon! I never knew we had a green carpet!
dr090831 -- Ralph, why do you like to barbecue so much? - It's a GUY thing, honeybunch! - Cooking meat over an open fire makes me feel 'at one' with my caveman ancestors! - I would think just looking in the mirror would do that! Before the night is over,
dr090831 -- I'll think of a snappy comeback!
dr090901 -- I know what you're going to say: you wish you had a new barbecue! - This one is getting old, and you'd like a fancy new one! - Christmas is coming. I'll keep it in mind! - My wife not only finishes my sentences, she often starts them!
dr090902 -- Ralph, come with me and close your eyes! I've got a big surprise for you!  - OK, you can look! - A new barbecue??! Are you happy? - I'll say! The last time you had a surprise, you painted the car orange!
dr090903 -- This new barbecue is easier to light than the old one, Ralph! - All you have to do is press a button! - You mean I no longer have to strike a match, toss it in and duck for cover? Correct! - Wow! Just think, maybe your eyebrows will grow
dr090903 -- back!
dr090904 -- I can't believe you bought me a fancy new barbecue, honeybunch! - How on earth could you afford it? - I used a credit card! - In other words, YOU bought it, and I get to pay for it! We make a great team, don't we?
dr090905 -- Honeybunch, I can't believe you bought me a new barbecue! - I love it! - How can I show my appreciation? How about a hug? - Okay!
dr090906 -- Why is Wally wearing a muzzle? - Because he always barks at other dogs and it's embarrassing! - Well, who can blame him? Some of these dogs are pretty ugly! Just look at THAT one! - Is that a dog or a SPACE ALIEN? - Yikes! Look at THAT one!
dr090906 -- Have you ever noticed how some dogs resemble their owners? -
dr090907 -- Now that you have a new barbecue, Ralph, you can throw away the old one! - I was thinking I'd sell it. It's still in pretty good condition! SELL it?? - You're funny! - The only time a man doesn't like to be told he's funny is when his wife
dr090907 -- says it!
dr090908 -- Hello, trash company? I need you to come pick up an old barbecue! - Yeah, I got a new one. It's pretty sweet, too! Three burners, side tables, a warming rack... - You've got a side grill on yours? Very nice! - Guys love to talk about their
dr090908 -- barbecues!
dr090909 -- Norm, I need you to take our old barbecue out of the curb so the trashman can pick it up tomorrow. text text text - text text text OK, Norman? ...Norm? - text text text chirp! - K I hate the 21st century!
dr090910 -- I can't wait to use my new barbecue! - The old barbecue is still here, but where's the new one?? - Norm, take the old barbecue out to the curb so the trashman can pick it up tomorrow! - NORMAN!!!
dr090911 -- Norman, I told you to take the OLD barbecue out to the curb for trash pickup! You took out the NEW one!! - How could you have done that?? I'm sure it was an easy mistake that anyone could have made... - - Especially if it's dark and you're
dr090911 -- texting!
dr090912 -- City Dump Good evening, gentlemen! Hello, again! - My young son here accidentally threw away a brand new barbecue! Mind if we look around and try to find it? - I'm sorry, guys. I haven't seen anything like that around here! - Now, if you'll
dr090912 -- excuse me, I've got to go flip the steaks! - OK well thanks any...WHAT??
dr090913 -- - - - I can't walk through the house without being stared at by a pair of helpless puppy-dog eyes, hoping to be fed soon! - I wish animals could understand that it's not always supper time! - Animals and husbands!
dr090914 -- By the way, Ralph... - I'm sorry I've been so grouchy today. - How about yesterday? - I'm glad you don't work for the State Department.
dr090915 -- The boys' bedroom is a complete mess! - And it's spilling out into the hallway! - Norman! Patrick! Pick up all this stuff and throw it back in your room! - I've given up on their room. Now it's a policy of containment!
dr090916 -- My head tells me to use a 4-iron... - But my gut tells me to use my 5-wood. - I always follow my gut! - That's for sure!
dr090917 -- ...so it's the "Cash For CLUNKERS" program? - Darn! OK, thanks anyway! - I was hoping they said "Cash For Clickers"!
dr090918 -- Hi, neighbor! Steinbauer!! - Are you MOVING?? - No, I'm just throwing away a box of junk! - DANG!! Nice to see you, too!
dr090919 -- Hello? Hi. It's Wendy. - My other plans fell through tonight. - So I guess I can hang out with you after all. OK. - I guess I'm a human "Plan B"!
dr090920 -- shake shake shake - As an involved parent, I always volunteer to help with my son's soccer team! - Today I've been asked to stripe the playing field! - Unfortunately, the can of spray paint ran out. - Thank goodness I had some cheez whiz!
dr090921 -- We're having PANCAKES for dinner?? - No, I said we're having crab cakes! - YEECCCHH!! - For a brief moment, I thought I died and went to heaven! You could end up HALF right!
dr090922 -- Ralph, will you go turn on the dishwasher? I don't know how. - Don't know how?? We've had that dishwasher for 20 years! - All you do is turn the dial, push the button... - And then you have to give it a little bump, like this! That's the part
dr090922 -- I was worried about.
dr090923 -- I've been told I have a very fluid golf swing! - WHACK! - SPLASH! - No comment!
dr090924 -- - Are you just going to stare at that all day? - Yes! I'm so proud that I was able to repair the lamp! - Changing a light bulb is not exactly repairing a lamp!
dr090925 -- You're a pretty kitty, aren't you! I love you so much! - Let's go get some num-nums! kiss kiss kiss - Sometimes I think you like that cat more than me! - Only sometimes? Boy, I'm good!
dr090926 -- Scarf City All-You-can-eat This is a buffet, Ralph... - You can go back for seconds, you know! I intend to!
dr090927 -- shake shake shake - - AH... - AHH... - AAHH... - choo? - Bless you! - It's hard living with someone who always finishes your sentences!
dr090928 -- Here's the garage door opener! Thanks! - How's everything, Mr. Garage Door? All right? - 'S all Right! - I can't understand why "America's Got Talent" passed on my ventriloquist act!
dr090929 -- Have you and mom ever had your credit card stolen? - Yeah, once. That must have been terrible! - What did you do? - Nothing. The thief spends less than your mom!
dr090930 -- Penny, sometimes people say mean things! - Don't let it bother you! Do what I do... - I let it all roll off my back! - Wouldn't it be easier to let it roll off your STOMACH?
dr091001 -- Dad, I felt like I needed more privacy around here... - So I installed this chain lock on my bedroom door! - That's nice, son, but most people put those locks on the Inside! Even I knew that!
dr091002 -- Oh, you two are so cute! - Wait while I get my camera! - OK, act like you're having fun again! Taking the picture is easy. Staging the reenactment takes skill!
dr091003 -- I give up! - This is the hardest crossword puzzle I've ever done! - I thought it would be easy because some of the boxes are already filled in! - Dad, that's a Sudoku puzzle! Oh yeah. My bad!
dr091004 -- Boys, your rooms look great! - I've never seen it look so clean! - I know how hard it is for you to keep your room clean! - And when you do get it clean, it doesn't take long to get it messy again! - Anyway, good job, boys! - Oh, one more
dr091004 -- thing... - You were right, mom. That didn't take long!
dr091005 -- Looking for something, Ralph? Yeah, I've misplaced another pair of glasses! - Sometimes I think I'm losing my mind! If it gets lost, I know where to find it!
dr091006 -- RING! !! !!!! !! ! - Hello? Yeah, she's right here... !!! ! !! - It's Betty! It CAN'T be Betty! That's who I'm talking to! - You lost the connection ten minutes ago!
dr091007 -- Self Serve Ice Cream Choc. Swirl Van. Hmm...two flavors of ice cream! - I can't decide whether to sworl them together, or put them side by side! - SWIRL 'EM!! - The self serve ice cream machine is no place for amateurs!
dr091008 -- - twist twist - AAAAAAHHHH!! - Some day, he'll learn to turn on the shower BEFORE he gets in! We can only hope.
dr091009 -- Here you go! - ...sigh... - Boy, I hate raking! - Well, if you'd pick your clothes up off your bedroom floor once in a while...
dr091010 -- October is the best month of the year! - The worst month is January! How come? - There's nothing fun about January. The weather is bad and the December bills arrive. - January is so crummy, the super bowl moved to February!
dr091011 -- Why are you in THIS lane, dad? - It's the only lane that isn't moving! ...sigh... - Whichever lane I'm in always becomes the slowest lane by virtue of the fact that I'M in it! - Watch... - I'll move over to this lane, and... - Voila! - That's
dr091011 -- amazing! - How did you DO  that?? It's a natural talent. I can also do it at grocery stores, fast food restaurants and ticket windows!
dr091012 -- KNOCK KNOCK - - Aren't you a little early for Halloween? - No, I'm the mobile cat groomer! hiss!!
dr091013 -- Dad, look! I think this twenty dollar bill is counterfeit! How come, Norm? - If you look very, very closely, there are subtle differences! - For example, you know how a real twenty dollar bill has a *20* in each corner? Yeah. - This bill only
dr091013 -- has the *2*! Let's not call the FBI just yet.
dr091014 -- - - SPLISH! - I hate taking eye drops!
dr091015 -- - - - I take it we're going to need another bag of Halloween candy. Never hurts to stock up!
dr091016 -- I heard on the news that people with larger thighs tend to live longer! - You should live forever! - The curse of a quick wit!
dr091017 -- - Ralph, what do you think you're doing? - Just having a little midnight snack, honeybunch! - At four in the afternoon? It's midnight in Europe!
dr091018 -- Barber - Hello, Ralph! - Just a trim today, Ernie! Okey-doke! - snip snip  - snip! - That'll be nine bucks! You know you're getting thin on top when the barber doesn't even bother to have you sit down!
dr091019 -- Hello, Mrs. Baker! I'm Norman, your hospital volunteer! Volunteer? - This week, everyone is being encouraged to become a volunteer-even totally inept people like me! - I've been asked to wheel you into the delivery room, so if you'll just hop
dr091019 -- on the gurney... - This isn't a gurney! It's not? DRABBLE!
dr091020 -- Boy, this elevator is nice and big, isn't it! - OK, let's see...what floor is the delivery room on? - I'll just push all the buttons and hope we get lucky! Here we go! - Whoa! The elevator seems to have stopped! What's up with that?? Of all
dr091020 -- the volunteers in the world, I had to get you!
dr091021 -- Mrs. Baker, I know you're anxious to get to the delivery room, but our elevator seems to be stuck! - I don't think the baby is going to wait!!! - Now what kind of an attitude is that? YOU'RE the parent! YOU decide when junior gets born! -
dr091021 -- Personally, I'd make him wait after Halloween! Hoo! Hoo!
dr091022 -- Have you ever delivered a baby before? I've never even CHANGED a baby before! - Well, since we're stuck in an elevator, you might HAVE to! - Let's remain calm. Everything will be all right. It's all going to be fine. Now, if you'll excuse me
dr091022 -- for a moment... - LET ME OUT OF HERE!!! Did I mention I'm expecting twins?
dr091023 -- PUSH! PUSH! PUSH!!! - SLAP! WAAAAAHH! - I'm sorry I had to slap you, but I'm trying to push the elevator door open as hard as I can! sniff!
dr091024 -- Well, how did your volunteer job go at the hospital, Norman? It was stressful, dad. - I got stuck in an elevator with a woman in labor. What did you do? - I did what any man would do under the circumstances. I passed out. - Fortunately, she
dr091024 -- climbed out the trap's door in the ceiling and summoned help, or I'd have been in there all day! Thanks for volunteering anyway, son!
dr091025 -- - - I think I finally outsmarted your dad! - Every year he finds my place for the Halloween candy, and then eats it all before the trick-or-treaters arrive! - This year, I hid it someplace he hasn't looked in years! Where? - O the bathroom
dr091025 -- scale!
dr091026 -- - - - Here Lies Ralph Drabble. I'm Sure The Cat Had Something To Do With This.
dr091027 -- How about this...when the trick-or-treaters ring the bell... - I'll open the door and go... - BLEAH! - No. I'm just trying to make use of the pumpkin guts!
dr091028 -- You sure waste a lot of time texting! - Not as much as other people do! - I literally spend half the time texting as everyone else I know! - That's because nobody ever answers me!
dr091029 -- I'm home! - Honeybunch, why are you painting the living room?? The trick-or-treaters will be here any minute! - I think I just answered my own question! I want my house to look nice for the neighbors.
dr091030 -- DING DONG - Only 55 days until Christmas! - Good grief! I haven't even started my shopping yet!! - I always know how to scare Mrs. Drabble! Good job! Here's an extra milk dud!
dr091031 -- What's going on? Mr. Drabble is letting us all come in and watch a scary movie! - What's so scary about their wedding video? DON'T DO IT, RALPH!! You're a riot.
dr091101 -- Hey, don't steal my Halloween candy, dad! - I'm not STEALING it, Penny, I'm SAVING you from it! - I'm saving you from a lifetime of cavities and calories! - As your father, it's the least I can do for you! - It's too late for me! I've lived
dr091101 -- MY life! But I can still make a difference in YOURS! - No thanks! Bring it back! I still need to dispose of a king-size peanut butter cup!
dr091102 -- ZZYZX! - Patrick - Patrick - Laser beams?? Too bad I have to resort to such extreme measures to protect my Halloween candy!
dr091103 -- 15...10...5... TOUCHDOWN! - WOO HOO! YES!! - It's bad enough that you two get so excited over a game... - But it was played 25 YEARS AGO!! Some people just don't appreciate the "Classic Games" channel!
dr091104 -- High fly ball into deep right field, she is...GONE!! YEAHH!! I don't understand why you like to watch those "classic" sporting events! - It's silly to get so wrapped up in something when you've already seen it, and know the outcome! -
dr091104 -- Frankly, my dear... ...sob... I could say something...
dr091105 -- I have the keyless remote, and I'm going to press the button... - HONK! - That means the cas is locked! - But I better do it again, just to be sure! One honk is never enough for some people! HONK!
dr091106 -- Directory - You Are Here - - How do they always KNOW??
dr091107 -- Directory You are here - - Directory Now you are here - Wow, modern technology is AMAZING!
dr091108 -- Norm, you were an eyewitness to a theft at the bookstore? That's right, dad. I saw the thief, plain as day! - I need to make a sketch of the subject. Can you describe him? Of course. - He looked like his name was Don. What kind of a
dr091108 -- description is THAT?? - Well, you know how some people look like their names? Yeah. - Well, this guy looked like his name should be DON! ...Sigh... - OK, let's see... - How's that? - No, that looks like a Harold! WILL YOU GET OUT OF HERE!!?
dr091109 -- Honeybunch, your birthday is coming up, so tell me: would you rather go to a nice restaurant... - Or would you rather just cook something special? - beep beep boop - Hi, Carrie! You'll never believe this one! You know you've asked your wife a
dr091109 -- dumb question when, instead of answering it, she calls her friends!
dr091110 -- I can't believe this, honeybunch! You bought low-fat milk, low-fat ice cream... - Low-fat cookies, low-fat potato chips, low-fat peanut butter... - What's NEXT?? - Hopefully, a low-fat husband!
dr091111 -- It's Veterans day! ! - - I said VETERANS day, not Veterinarians day! - That dog is just smart enough to be really stupid!
dr091112 -- I'm hungry. Dinner is coming up! - If it's your broccoli casserole, I'm sure it will be! - WAAH HA HA HA! - I'm on a roll! You're gonna be rolling, all right!
dr091113 -- - - FLASH! - Well, look who raided the fridge last night! I'm pretty sure this is unconstitutional!
dr091114 -- There's an empty chair next to that girl! Watch my smooth moves! - Hello! Mind if I sit down? Not at all! - PHHFFRRPP! - I have vinyl upholstery!
dr091115 -- I DON'T EVER WANT TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL AGAIN!! - Penny, stop being so theatrical! - THEATRICAL? I'm not being THEATRICAL!! - I'M NOT! I'M NOT! I'M NOT!! - - - - I'm NOT being theatrical!! Why did she leave and come back? Intermission.
dr091116 -- How about a kiss, Ralph? What?? - Give me a kiss! Really?? OK! - SMOOCH! - I KNEW it! YOU'RE the one who's been eating all my M&M's! I can taste them on your breath!! Dang.
dr091117 -- My friend Kathy is under the weather. - She lost her voice! She hasn't said a word for two days! Can you imagine? - Maybe you should pay her a visit! Good idea! - Try to shake hands with her a lot!
dr091118 -- - Oh, hi, honeybunch! - I was just about to do a little "pec-check"! - I thought you were about to admire your tire!
dr091119 -- What subject are you studying, Norm? - Politics. - That will be useful in life! - Especially if your kids play in little league!
dr091120 -- - - I hat it when I finish my magazine and I'm still not sleepy! - Me too! So, what would you like to talk about?
dr091121 -- I'm home! - - Relax, Wally! Don't overdo it! - Nobody understands dog sarcasm.
dr091122 -- Chicken...liver...lamb...beef... - What flavor of dog food do you think Wally would like? - Who cares? What do you mean, WHO CARES??! - If he doesn't like it, he might not eat it!! - Honeybunch, Wally is a dog! He likes anything! - Find
dr091122 -- something that tastes like my sweat socks! He REALLY likes those!
dr091123 -- No-Neck! Howdy, Ralph! - Here for dinner? No, I'm a buffet cop! - Buffet cop?? I watch for cheaters! - NO LEAPFROGGING! GET BACK IN LINE!!
dr091124 -- You're a BUFFET COP, No.Neck? That's right, Ralph! - There's something about a buffet that makes normally nice people become unruly! - It's a phenomenon known as "buffet rage." Excuse me... - SALAD TONGS ARE NOT WEAPONS, PEOPLE!!
dr091125 -- Well, well, well! Looky what we have here! What is it, No-Neck? - You filled your WATER glass with SODA! That's a serious buffet violation! - I must have pressed the wrong button! I THOUGHT this water looked a little bubbly and orangy! - Too
dr091125 -- bad! I have to add it to your tab! It sure TASTES watery!
dr091126 -- TWEET! - A FLAG ON THE PLAY! 15-YARD PENALTY!! - You were fishing all the chicken out of the chicken noodle soup! That's a buffet violation! - A 15-yard penalty?? That will put you back at the end of the buffet line, Ralph!
dr091127 -- Bye, No-Neck. Hold it, Ralph! You didn't leave a tip for your busboy! - Busboys work hard to keep your table neat and clean! - Don't be such a cheapskate! - All right, I'll go back and leave a few bucks on the table! - If I can find room!
dr091127 -- It's proper to tip the buffet cop, too!
dr091128 -- So long, No-Neck! NOT SO FAST, RALPH! - Are you attempting to leave this establishment with a MUFFIN? All food must be consumed on the premises! - What else are you trying to abscond with? UP AGAINST THE WALL!! - Well, well! Look who has a
dr091128 -- pocket full of lava cake! I hope you know I intend to fill out a customer satisfaction card!
dr091129 -- - - - - - - - SNARF! - Sorry about the cake, but I'm only human! You could've fooled me!
dr091130 -- So, let me guess... - You got on the scale and saw that you lost a few pounds! If that's not reason to celebrate, I don't know what is!
dr091201 -- Ralph, you bought the wrong paper towels! These are AUTUMN PRINT! See the leaves? - It's December! We need the WINTER PRINT with the snowflakes! - That's the last time I sent you to the store for me! - Mission accomplished!
dr091202 -- I think the correct answer is 578! - ...or maybe it's 12. Dad, will you please help me with my homework? - Oh, yeah. Sure. - Dad helps by not helping!
dr091203 -- I did it!! - I finally finished a daily crossword puzzle! - I feel so smart! What a feeling of accomplishment! - Dad, none of the three stooges was named "Glrph". Close enough!
dr091204 -- Ralph, I have to leave. Please feed Oogie! - Mix some cat food with the leftover chicken, and put three drops of milk on top! - Then put it into the microwave for exactly 4 seconds. No more, no less! - Good luck! Why can't you just find a
dr091204 -- mouse, like all the other cats?
dr091205 -- Ooogie didn't eat the cat food?? Did you follow my instructions? Yes. - Did you add the chicken? Yes. Did you add three drops or milk? Yes. - Did you put it in the microwave for exactly four seconds? Yes. - Did you turn ON the microwave?! Oh,
dr091205 -- crud! If I starve to death, it'll be his fault!
dr091206 -- I wish we could get a whit tree this year! Me too! - Then why DON'T we? You mom wants a green one! - But why can't we get what YOU want? Son, let me explain something... - The key to a successful marriage is compromise. - For example, I like
dr091206 -- to sleep with the window open. Your mother likes to sleep with it closed. So we compromise... - We always sleep with it closed! - Do you get what I'm saying, son? I think you're saying we're not getting a white tree!
dr091207 -- Daddy, what's a "nanosecond"? - It's one-billionth of a second, Penny! - Thanks, Mom! - It's also the length of time it takes my wife to answer a question directed to me!
dr091208 -- STEINBAUER! What are you doing??!! Decorating for Christmas, Ralph! I'm shaping the hedge between our yards to say NOEL! - But from MY side, it says LEON! Who cares?! Don't be such a scrooge! - I never met a man I didn't like, but Steinbauer
dr091208 -- receives honorable mention!
dr091209 -- KNOCK KNOCK! - Cookies! - Look, Ralph! Someone left Christmas cookies on our doorstep and ran away! - Aren't people wonderful this time of year? Don't touch it! It could be a trap!
dr091210 -- Somebody left cookies at our door! Let's have some! - No! We don't know who left them here! They could be tainted! Why would anyone leave us tainted cookies? - As a high-profile law enforcement official, I have enemies! - Dad has a high
dr091210 -- profile?? He certainly has a WIDE profile!
dr091211 -- Someone left cookies on our porch. They could be tainted. - I'll be the guinea pig and eat the first one! - AAACKK!! - Are they tainted?! Inconclusive. I'll have to eat another!
dr091212 -- These cookies aren't tainted, Ralph! Look, there's even a note! - "Enjoy the cookies! We'll be leaving a treat at your door every night until Christmas! -Your secret Santa." - "Secret Santa"?? So, what do you all have to say NOW? - I say we
dr091212 -- hide in the bushes tomorrow night to see who it is! Yeah! We could drop a net over them!
dr091213 -- I love coming to the buffet, honeybunch! - T do too, Ralph. - The only problem is that you tend to overeat! Don't worry... - I've devised a new strategy! - Ad soon as my stomach touches the edge of the table, I'll know it's time to stop
dr091213 -- eating! - CRASH! BREAK! WHAM! SMASH! - I think you should stop now! Sorry. I guess that was one too many chocolate-chip muffins!
dr091214 -- We're so lucky, Penny! Our family has a SECRET SANTA! - Every night until Christmas, someone is going to leave goodies at our front door! - But we mustn't try to see who it is, or it will spoil the fun! Isn't it exciting?! - I'll hide in the
dr091214 -- bushes, you guys hide behind the trash cans! Roger! Some of us might be a little TOO excited!
dr091215 -- What a waste of an evening! - We hid outside to catch our secret Santa, but no one ever showed up! Yes they did! - They left a plate of brownies at our BACK door three hours ago! - Our secret Santa outsmarted us! THIS MEANS WAR!
dr091216 -- Someone is approaching our house, dad! It could be our secret Santa! Roger! - GOTCHA!! - False alarm. It was just Norman getting the mail!
dr091217 -- Our secret Santa is approaching our front door! - WE GOT HIM!!! - STEINBAUER?? Season's greetings to you too, Ralph!
dr091218 -- Steinbauer! YOU'RE our secret Santa??! - YOU'RE the one who's been leaving goodies at my front door every night?? That's right, Ralph! - I thought, what better way to enjoy the holidays than by showing kindness to someone I don't like very
dr091218 -- much! - What's there not to like about ME?? Well, take this net, for example.
dr091219 -- Daddy, when I grow up, I'm going to marry someone just like you! - Really, Penny? That's nice of you to say! - Only he's going to be taller and smarter and a little better looking! - OK, well, that's still nice of you to say! Actually, a lot
dr091219 -- better looking!
dr091220 -- - - - - - - Hey, don't pull the popcorn string out of the Christmas tree! - GIVE ME THAT!! Humans love to play. You've just got to find the right toy!
dr091221 -- The mail arrived! - Oh look! My mother sent a Christmas card to Oogie! - She did WHAT??! Look, Oogie! Isn't it adorable?! - There are three stages of life: youth, middle age , and I-send-Christmas-cards-to-cats!
dr091222 -- Arf arf arf! Arf arf arf! Arf arf arf! Arf arf! - SLAM! - I told you we should've sung "silent night". Not everyone enjoys the barking version of "Jingle Bells"!
dr091223 -- You kids did a fine job of decorating the tree this year! - Bob makes an excellent tree-topper! I should have migrated when I had the chance!
dr091224 -- Come on, Norm! It's your turn! - Hurry up! - Look! A see a red light in the sky! It must be Rudolph! Aren't we getting a little old for this? Yes, but your dad isn't!
dr091225 -- Thanks for all the gifts, mom and dad! I can't believe how much we got! - When's easter?
dr091226 -- Dear Mr. Claus, - It has come to my attention that you left one less item in my stocking than you left for my brothers. - I'm sure it was just an oversight and that you will want to rectify it a.s.a.p - Penny, I'm so proud of you for writing
dr091226 -- your thank-you notes early! A pair of socks does not count as two items.
dr091227 -- - I hate these plastic bags! - WHIFF-IFF-IFF - I can never pull them apart! - RIP! - And then I can never get them open! - RIP! tear! tear! shred! shred! RIP! - I'll bet that's why most people don't eat enough fruits and vegetables!
dr091228 -- Dear aunt Wanda, thank your for the nutcracker. - When we told you we like nutcrackers many years ago, we never expected that you'd give us one every year! - We now have more nutcrackers than we have NUTS to CRACK! I'm SICK of them!!! - On
dr091228 -- second thought, I'll write the thank you notes. I was just getting warmed up!
dr091229 -- I'm writing a thank you notice to Bruce and Pat! - Five pages?? That's not a note, that's a term paper! - Isn't that a little bit long for a thank you notice? - Of course, I'm talking to someone who leaves 20-minute messages on answering
dr091229 -- machines!
dr091230 -- Good boy, Ralph! - This ice cream has been here for a week, and you haven't touched it! - Congratulation on your self-control! - Actually, I've replaced it five minutes!
dr091231 -- Are you making any new year resolutions, Wally? - I'm going to quit barking my head off every time I hear a knock at the door! - I resolve to become less superstitious. - ...knock on wood! Arf! Arf! Arf! ARF! Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf! ARF!
dr100101 -- It's a cold, windy day for a parade! - Hurry! Tie the rope around his leg!! I am not a runaway balloon!
dr100102 -- OH, for heaven's sake! - We have a new television, but I'm afraid to turn it on! - It seems like there's always something violent and bloody on every channel! - May that's why they're called plasma TVs!
dr100103 -- What did you lose now, son? - I can't find my library card! - Oh, for Pete's sake, Norm! You need to become more responsible! - You're getting to big for this! - You're always losing things! It shows a lack of focus! - Take CARE of your
dr100103 -- things! Remember, there's a place for everything, so keep everything in its... - By the way, I found your car keys in the refrigerator! - Sometimes I'm glad that my kids tend to ignore me!
dr100104 -- Dad, I got into a little fender bender. - But I have a good excuse! - I was texting. Why is that a good excuse? - It's hard to do two things at once! My son, the crash-text dummy!
dr100105 -- My new year's resolution was to stop barking my head off whenever someone knocks on the door! - How's it going? - So far, so good. - Nobody's knocked on the door!
dr100106 -- Gulp! - crick! - RATTA-TATTA-TAT - It's always a little painful to get the December credit card bills!
dr100107 -- There's nothing like putting on a warm pair of sweatpants! - As soon as they cool off, I like to throw them into the dryer and heat them back up! - That's fine when you're at HOME! Ahhhh! LAUNDROMAT
dr100108 -- I got a 99 on my exam, dad! Good for you, Patrick! - Did YOU ever get a 99 on an exam? - Sure! Many times! - Having your temperature taken is not an exam. Then no.
dr100109 -- Norm! I thought I told you to take out the trash! - Don't worry, dad. I'm all over it! - The only thing he's ever been all over is the furniture!
dr100110 -- Dad, I've been doing a lot of thinking... - So I'm going to lie down for a while! That's my boy!
dr100111 -- Ralph! Come quick!! What's wrong? - Oogie is stuck in a tree! - She can't get down! She can't come inside! - Aren't you going to DO something?! I was considering a cartwheel!
dr100112 -- I know how to rescue Oogie! I'll call 911! Don't do that, honeybunch! - Why not? If we don't, we might never see Oogie again! - Honeybunch, the paramedics are too busy helping injured people! They don't have time to rescue a dumb cat! -
dr100112 -- Besides, why mess with a good thing?  Maybe when they come here to help YOU, they'll rescue Oogie, too!
dr100113 -- How will we get Oogie down from that tree, mom? - I have an idea: Oogie always comes running when I turn on the can opener! - WHIRRRRRR - My mistake. It's your father who always comes running! What are we having??
dr100114 -- Honeybunch! What are you DOING?? If YOU won't rescue Oogie, *I* will! - OK, OK...I'll get the stupid cat out of the tree! - Dad, I insist you be careful! Hold on tight and don't fall! - But let me get the video camera just in case!
dr100115 -- Almost there... - The ladder is bending! - SNAP! - Hisss! What a cheap ladder! I'll be taking it back to the store!
dr100116 -- I can't believe our ladder broke in half! What poor quality! - Don't worry, Ralph! I'm going to take it back to the hardware store and make them replace it! - I'll wait here. bat bat Keep Oogie company!
dr100117 -- Supermarket Honeybunch, I think I'll buy these new diet pills I've seen advertised on TV! - Careful, Ralph. Always check the label first for any possible side effects! - Sometimes the side effects are worse than the problem! - "Side effects
dr100117 -- may include irritability, hairloss, watery eyes..." - "insomnia, muscle ache, join pain, gas, bloating, lethargy, thirst..." - !itchy skin, nausea, excessive sweating, dizziness, blurred vision, drowsiness, and feelings of inadequacy and
dr100117 -- helplessness." - Perfect! I've already got all those things, anyway!
dr100118 -- Why are you sitting in a tree, Ralph? - If you must know, Steinbauer, I climbed up to rescue our dumb cat, and the ladder broke! - That's too bad! Would you like to borrow *MY* ladder? Yes! I'd LOVE to! - Well, you never returned my socket
dr100118 -- wrench, so tough tacos! What a guy! Hiss!
dr100119 -- What luck. I climb up here to rescue our stupid cat, and the ladder breaks! - Now I can only sit here and wait for my wife to get another one! pick pick purrrrrr - What could be worse than being stuck in a tree with only a cat? Tweet! I had
dr100119 -- to ask! Grrrr!
dr100120 -- SWIPE! - Good news, dad! Mom took the broken ladder back to the store and they replaced it! She's on her way home! - Tell her to step on it!! This cat is obnoxious! I have to get done from this tree before I go insane!!! - She says it's too
dr100120 -- late for that! My wife puts "art" in SMART ALECK!
dr100121 -- Dad, I have an idea! - I'm throwing a rope over the branch above you... - OK! Are you ready? FOR WHAT? - Actually, I'm not exactly sure yet! The five words that frighten me the most: "Dad, I have an idea!"
dr100122 -- Put Oogie in the kitty carrier, ad I'll lower her down! - Kitty carrier?? Isn't that the box we use to take Oogie to the vet? - WAIT! DON'T LET HER SEE THAT BOX OR SHE'LL GO... - RIP! SHRED! CLAW! SCRATCH TEAR! SLASH! - Ballistic.
dr100123 -- I'm back with the ladder! - Hey! You're out of the tree! When it started snowing, the additional weight caused our branch to break! - Fortunately, Norman had time to shovel a giant snow pillow beneath me to cushion my fall. Was I really gone
dr100123 -- that LONG? - I almost fell bad that I stopped to get my nails done!
dr100124 -- RING! Hello! Drabble Residence! Patrick speaking! - ...Norman? No, he can't talk right now! - His tongue is caught in an ice cream scooter! AN EXTHPLANATION ITH NOT NETHETHARY!
dr100125 -- ...oh, that's too bad. I'm sorry to hear that they're not getting along. - Ralph and I have a rule in our marriage... - We never go to sleep angry! - Isn't that right, Ralph? Wha...?
dr100126 -- RRIPP! YEEOOWW!! Thanks, guys! - OK, but the next time you get a lint roller stuck on your hairy back, don't call 911! I thought he was wearing an Alpaca sweater!
dr100127 -- Turn left at Ernie's Donuts. - Turn right at Jose's Pizza, and left at Pancake Palace. - Make a legal u-turn at Fred's Frozen Yogurt. Then veer left at Tiny's Tacos. - You have an interesting GPS! Slow down! There's the pancake house! It gets
dr100127 -- me where I want to go!
dr100128 -- KNOCK KNOCK - BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK!! - Relay, Wally! We've never had an evil intruder knock on our door! - I must be doing a good job!
dr100129 -- Let's see what my fortune cookie says... - A partner's hip will prove to be exciting. - - Oh, my mistake... "A PARTNERSHIP..."
dr100130 -- You should enjoy these years, mom. - Before you know it, I'll be all grown up!
dr100131 -- Norman, you dress like a nobody! You need to sell yourself a little better! - What do you mean, dad? Well, take this for example...what am I holding? - An apple? Wrong! - It's a RED DELICIOUS apple! It says so at the store! - Notice how they
dr100131 -- didn't call it a RED SO-SO apple, or a RED FAIRLY TASTY apple! It's a RED DELICIOUS apple! - Do you understand what I'm saying, Norm? - No. ...Sigh... - In a world of red delicious apples, my son is a kumquat!
dr100201 -- I don't understand it... - My mother looks bad in every one of these photos! - And what don't you understand about it, exactly? - Wives: They want you to communicate, then they don't want you to communicate!
dr100202 -- - - - I don't see any warpath, dad!
dr100203 -- Norm, some people are "Type A" personalities. They are driven to succeed! text text - Other people have "Type B" personalities. They are slightly less ambitious! - What type of personality am I, dad? It's hard to say, Norm. - The alphabet
dr100203 -- only goes down to *Z*! text text
dr100204 -- Don't take this the wrong way, Ralph... - I know how defensive you get whenever I offer a little constructive criticism. - So don't get all bent out of shape and act like a baby like you always do, all right? - We haven't even gotten to the
dr100204 -- CRITICISM yet!
dr100205 -- - - - Why, exactly, DO you watch these medical shows? The surgical procedures are fascinating!
dr100206 -- Kendall's dad works for a sporting goods company. He always brings his kids cool stuff from work! - Did you bring ME anything home from work, dad? - Patrick, I'm a security guard at a retirement village! - ...Sigh... - Here! I found a set of
dr100206 -- false teeth!
dr100207 -- ...and that concludes the first half! - - SLAM! - - SLAM! - - SLAM! - During the super bowl, we don't play musical chairs, we play musical bathrooms!
dr100208 -- ZZYZX! - Hey, Wally! Wanna play ball? - Wiener dogs: if you've seen one, you've seen 'em all! It sure seems that way sometimes!
dr100209 -- My skin is looking old and wrinkly! - - - No, it isn't! That was MUCH too late!!
dr100210 -- How does the mall directory always know where I'm standing?? - Oh, wait...I get it! - Sorry! I guess that was one of my dumber questions! - Actually, that's not even CLOSE to being one of your dumber questions!
dr100211 -- I'm feeling a little light-headed! - That's understandable. - - There's not much in there to weigh it down! I GOT IT ALREADY!
dr100212 -- - pat pat pat pat - Does this look like a pancreas to you? Close enough. When Patrick builds a snowman, he goes a little overboard.
dr100213 -- Happy Valentine's Day, Honeybunch! - Marrying you was the best decision you ever made for me. - That's probably not good, either! In the long run, dad, BUYING a card might be less expensive!
dr100214 -- Patrick! Look at this highschool picture of dad! - That's DAD??? - Wow! You were really in shape back then, dad! - You better believe it, boys! - In my younger days, I was a chick magnet! - Now he's a refrigerator magnet!
dr100215 -- Here's a box of valentine candy, Norman! Foe ME?? Thank you, Wendy! - I had an extra one and I couldn't find anyone else to give it to. How thoughtful! - The mailman is on a diet, the guy in the toll booth is allergic... I'm touched! - Hey,
dr100215 -- maybe my insurance agent would like it! Thank you for thinking of me momentarily!
dr100216 -- Who is Babe Ruth?!! - Sorry, honeybunch! I know it's rude to blurt out answers while watching "Jeopardy." - That's OK, Ralph. - You're never right, anyway! The correct answer is: "Who is Ghandi?" Dang!
dr100217 -- An empty ice cream carton?? - Ralph, did you forget about your diet?? You're not supposed to eat ice cream!! - I didn't eat it, honeybunch! That's true, Mom! - He put it in the microwave and drank it!
dr100218 -- Here's the mail, honeybunch! Is that all? - Yes. I threw away all the junk mail! - If you threw away all the junk mail, how come you didn't throw away this ad inviting me to join a weight-loss program? - Do you think I'm fat? This would be a
dr100218 -- good time to fake an appendix attack!
dr100219 -- Ralph, you said you threw away all the junk mail... - But you DIDN'T throw away this ad inviting me to join a weight-loss program. - I'll ask you one more time: do you think I'm fat? - Uhhh... The correct answer to that does not begin with
dr100219 -- "uhhh"!
dr100220 -- Ralph, I'm going to ask you only one more time... - Why did you give me this ad for a weight-loss program?? Honeybunch, I can explain. - HONK! HONK! HONK! Whoa! Our car is honking! I'll go investigate!! - Now I know why they put the red
dr100220 -- button on the keyless remote!
dr100221 -- Hang on a second, Meg! Ralph is leaving for work! Bye, Ralph. Bye, honeybunch! - Hold on, he's back! Sorry! I forgot my wallet! - He always forgets something! Bye! - Oh, my gosh! He's back again! Forgot my cell phone! Sorry! - He is SO
dr100221 -- middle-aged! Bye! - OH, FOR CRYIN' OUT LOUD! Forgot my lunch! - - Something wrong, dad? I'll give you a dollar to go inside and get my car keys!
dr100222 -- The kids are all gone, Ralph! Huh?? - Norm is at the movies, Patrick is at a birthday party, and Penny is at grandma's! - Do you know what that means? We have the house to ourselves! - I think it also means I'm not going to get to watch
dr100222 -- wrestling tonight! We can play a board game or take a walk or watch a chick flick or...
dr100223 -- Since it's just two of us tonight, Ralph, let's play a game like Parcheesi! PARCHEESI?! - How about if we just watch a little TV? OK! Let's see what's on! - Oh, I love this interior design show! And there's  a love story on the classic movie
dr100223 -- channel! - Parcheesi it is! Oh, the bachelor show is on!!
dr100224 -- We have the house all to ourselves, Ralph! Just you and me! Isn't this fun?!! - I'm having the time of my life. I win again!!
dr100225 -- Isn't it fun having the house all to ourselves, Ralph? Let's play charades! Oh no... - DING DONG Someone's at the door! I'll get it!! - Steinbauer!! How the heck are you? Thanks for dropping in!! - Actually, I'm just here to complain about
dr100225 -- your dog. Whatever! Come on in and sit a spell!
dr100226 -- Hasn't this been a fun evening, Ralph? Games, movies, conversation... - This is what it will be like when our kids grow up! Just the two of us together every night! - We're home! - DON'T EVER GROW UP!!
dr100227 -- clip clip clip Ralph, for heaven's sake! - Are you trimming your toenails while you're eating dinner?? - I prefer to think of it as multitasking!
dr100228 -- ...Sigh... Do you have a box or something? Maybe you should empty your pockets BEFORE you bring your clothes to the cleaners!
dr100301 -- Welcome to Wobbly Heights Retirement Village! - I'll be glad when the repairman gets here!
dr100302 -- Before I head for home, I'd better listen to the traffic report! - All freeways are clear, except for the Harbor Freeway, which is jammed! That's good to know! - Honeybunch said if I'm late, she's going to the opera without me. - The Harbour
dr100302 -- Freeway, it is!
dr100303 -- Every time you go to the store, you sure buy a lot of stuff! - Do we really NEED all of those things? - you have to distinguish between WANTS and NEEDS! - Take this ice pack, for example... Oh, you're going to need it, all right!
dr100304 -- - - ...Sigh... - I always know how to get my kids off the computer!
dr100305 -- Happy birthday, honeybunch! - I must say, you look much younger than you really are! - Thank you, Ralph! - I must say it, or else!
dr100306 -- When I was a kid, my favorite show was "Gilligan's Island." - I always wondered why they had so many clothes, when they were only on a three-hour tour. - I think I finally figured it out. - Your mom must have packed for them! I hope I haven't
dr100306 -- forgotten anything! We're going to be gone overnight!
dr100307 -- text texty text text! - Pssst! Stop that! - It's not polite to send text messages in church! - It's disrespectful! - What would your mother say if she looked over here and saw you doing that?? Why, she'd probably... - Never mind! text text
dr100307 -- text!
dr100308 -- Well, it's the start of another little league baseball season... - A time when a big career is the dream of every child. - ...and quite a few of their parents! Swing level, keep your eye on the ball, and remember that the average major
dr100308 -- league salary is over $3 million!
dr100309 -- Patrick, if you're going to be a baseball player, you'll need all the proper accessories! - First, you'll need to get some of this black stuff to put on your cheeks! - What for? So the glare doesn't get in your eyes and cause you to drop the
dr100309 -- ball! - But if I DON'T use it, at least I'll have an EXCUSE for dropping the ball! Good point. Let me think about that...
dr100310 -- Come on, Patrick! Get it over the plate! - I think you're being unrealistic, dad! I just can't do it! - Keep trying! Do you know how much money a left-handed pitcher can make??! - I KEEP TELLING YOU, I'M NOT LEFT-HANDED!! That's why you need
dr100310 -- to keep practicing!
dr100311 -- Here's another great thing about little league season... - It gives us the opportunity to get to know other parents! - People we might not otherwise have gotten the chance to know! - Like that windbag down the street, or the raving lunatic
dr100311 -- around the corner, or the dirty rotten cheater across town...
dr100312 -- I know we can improve your little league team, Patrick... - Make a trade for that kid named Longville! He's really good! - His dad's the coach of his team! What kind of dad would trade away his own son?? - I did, once. And I've never forgiven
dr100312 -- you!
dr100313 -- STRIKE THREE?? - THAT PITCH WAS A MILE OUTSIDE, UMP!!! - YOU NEED GLASSES, YOU... I'm back from the snack bar! - Phffmmf! There's a reason baseball and hot dogs go together!
dr100314 -- Let's go! We're going to be late! It's almost nine o'clock! - Really? It doesn't seem it's nine o'clock! That's because I set our clocks ahead one hour last night! - You did?? I set them ahead an hour, too! - I couldn't remember if we were
dr100314 -- supposed to move our clocks UP an hour or BACK an hour, so I moved some of them up and some of them back. - I couldn't remember, either, so I just set them all ahead twenty minutes! - I hate it when daylight-saving time begins! Don't worry.
dr100314 -- We usually get it all straightened out by mid-april! I hope it's still Sunday!
dr100315 -- OK, I picked up the dry cleaning! - Let's go! I'm in a hurry! Sorry, dad. We can't leave yet. - Why not? Because I parked in a space that said "30 minute parking only". - We've only been here four and a half minutes! WILL YOU START THE CAR!!
dr100316 -- HALT! WRONG WAY! - This is an EXIT! If you try to enter on this side, you'll receive severe tire damage! - I don't see anything that could cause tire damage! Suit yourself! - KA-BLAM!
dr100317 -- Honeybunch, in honor of St. Patty's Day, let's have some IRISH for dinner! - OK! How about corned beef and cabbage? No, not that! - I mean TRADITIONAL Irish food! - You know, like McNuggets, McRibs, Sausage Mc Griddles...
dr100318 -- What's on the TV, Norm? - Nothing. - Then why are you staring at it? - What's in the refrigerator, dad? Nothing.
dr100319 -- Ralph, it's ridiculous that you spend so much time standing in front of the refrigerator, just staring inside! - You know, she's right! -
dr100320 -- I think I'm losing my mind! - Has anyone seen my glasses? I can't find my glasses!! - You're not losing your mind. They're right on top of your head! - Those aren't mine! OK, maybe he IS losing his mind!
dr100321 -- Sorry, honeybunch, but I just can't take you to see that new chick flick! Why not? - I don't have the stomach for it! - - - - - - You've got the stomach for ANYTHING!! I knew she'd never be able to make it through the day!
dr100322 -- Say what you want... - I've heard all the arguments... - If that's not evidence of global warming, I don't know what is!
dr100323 -- What's new, No-Neck? - My doctor says I need to slim down. - But, instead of going on a diet, I've decided to just hang around people who are more out of shape than I am! - So, where are we going now? WILL YOU LEAVE ME ALONE?!!
dr100324 -- I may not be perfect. - But at least I can say one thing... - I'm a self-made man! - You should've asked for some help!
dr100325 -- I'm home! - Aaaaahhhh! sniff sniff! - There's nothing like the aroma of freshly baked cookies! - Unless it's "Freshly Baked Cookies" scented air freshener!
dr100326 -- You men do such a fine job of guarding our community! Have a cup-cake! - Thanks, Mrs. Alabaster! No thank you! - Trying to loose weight, Ralph? Not really... - At this point, it's more of a matter of damage control!
dr100327 -- After a hard day at work, it's nice to be greeted at the front door by our faithful dog! - I'm home! - And your point is...? Being greeted by the cat is not quite the same!
dr100328 -- I'm gonna throw the ball, Wally! - Go get it! - Hee hee! - ? - - It's fun to fake out a dog! - Well?! Why are you just standing around?? You acted like you needed to go for a walk outside! I'm getting drenched! It's fun to fake out people,
dr100328 -- too!
dr100329 -- I'll have a cheeseburger, hold the onions, please! - Onions give me bad breath! - You already have bad breath! - OK, then DON'T hold the onions!
dr100330 -- Mustard on your french fries?? What a loser! - Did she just call you a LOSER? - I thought she called me a LUGER, which I didn't understand because I've never done the luge! - "Loser" makes much more sense!
dr100331 -- I can't believe you just called him a loser! - It's OK. He likes it. No I don't! - Well, I guess "loser" IS a little harsh! - From now on, I'll just call you a pathetic dimwit. Thanks for your help!
dr100401 -- Excuse me...why are you so rude with him? - Yeah, why ARE you so rude to me? He doesn't deserve that! He's a nice guy! - I AM a nice guy! He's reasonably intelligent! - My GPA is 2.6! YOU KEEP OUT OF THIS!
dr100402 -- You're very rude to him! I am not! - You should appreciate him! Mind your own business! - You ought to be ashamed of yourself! Oh, I get a life! - ARE YOU GOING TO LET HER SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT??
dr100403 -- Fine! I'm leaving! Good riddance! He deserves to be with someone who appreciates him! - Thank you for sticking up for me! No problem. - Say, would you like to hang out with me sometime? Hmmm...let me think about that... - No. I hate it when
dr100403 -- they think about it!
dr100404 -- - - - - - Oh, hi, Wally! I almost forgot about you! - You're overdue for booster shots! I'll go call the vet! - This is why dogs get into the garbage and drag it all over the house!
dr100405 -- I need to get in shape. I'd go jogging, but it's so boring! - A lot of people jog with cell phones or iPods... - Take something with you that makes it more enjoyable! Good idea! - Mini Donuts
dr100406 -- Dad, you're a gate guard at a retirement village, right? Right. - How come a gate guard's hat is shaped like this? Believe me, there's a very good reason! - WHAM!
dr100407 -- - - - Thanks for helping me clean up after my book club meeting! Always a pleasure!
dr100408 -- RING! RING! RING! - HOW COME NO ONE EVER ANSWERS THE PHONE AROUND HERE?? - All our friends call us on our cell phones, dad! - The only people who call on the house phone are people we probably don't want to talk to! Good point!
dr100409 -- - This is painful! Maybe I should stretch before I jog! - OW!! - Apparently, I need to stretch before I stretch!
dr100410 -- Gadzooks! - RIP SHRED TEAR - There's a humongous springtime blowout sale at the fabric store! - When will I stop believing letters that say "Urgent! Open immediately!"??
dr100411 -- DING DONG! - wheeeee - wheeeee - chirp chirp! pick claw scratch shred - click! whirrrrrrr! - wheeeeeee... - - Mobile Cat Groomer Frisky cats like Oogie require special precautions! No wonder the groomer charges so much!
dr100412 -- Bob! Long time, no see! Where have you been? - On my annual migration to Rio de Janeiro! - Although, I may have gone the wrong direction again. - This time I ended up at a Brazilian restaurant in Utah! You're the only duck in the world who
dr100412 -- needs a GPS!
dr100413 -- Patrick is coming up to bat! - Every time my son comes to bat, I go stand in my lucky spot! - STRIKE THREE!! - I'm running out of lucky spots!
dr100414 -- Paper or plastic? - Neither. - I'm wearing my cargo pants!
dr100415 -- Norman, slow down! You're eating too fast! - Patrick and Penny eat fast, too... - Why do all of my children eat so fast?? - HEY! MY FRIES ARE GONE!! Oh, yeah, huh!
dr100416 -- Hey, the garbage pail is full! There's no room for my trash! - Perhaps you should do something about that, son! - I guess I'll have to! - There! I took out the bulky stuff!
dr100417 -- I've been having a lot of self-doubt, lately. - On second thought, maybe I haven't!
dr100418 -- You know, Ralph, sometimes in the quiet, early morning hours, I think about our kids... - And I marvel at how well they're turning out! - I can't believe how nice they all are! - I think about how much joy they bring to our lives... - And I
dr100418 -- think about how lucky we are! - But then they wake up! YOU are No, YOU are! Stop it! He used my toothbrush! Don't push! MOM!! That's mine! Stop touching me! OW!!
dr000419 -- The car is packed! We're ready to leave on our trip to visit grandma! - Good heavens! I forgot about our pets! What about them? - We'll be gone of a week! Who will feed them? - They know where the garbage cans are! They'll be fine! Maybe
dr000419 -- we'll take them with us! I'm OK with the garbage!
dr000420 -- As soon as our petsitter arrives, we can leave on our vacation! Petsitter?? - I hired someone to care for our pets! DING DONG! There he is now! - STEINBAUER?? Have a nice trip, Ralph! - Show me where you keep the cat food, and the remote
dr000420 -- control for your new big-screen TV!
dr000421 -- Hello? ...oh, hi, Steinbauer! How's everything at home? - Fine, Ralph! I just called to tell you that your easy chair is quite comfy! - That's MY chair!! No one's allowed to sit in that chair but ME!! - Oh, boy! And there are lots of loose
dr000421 -- M&M's in the cushions! THOSE ARE MINE, TOO!!
dr000422 -- Hey, Ralph, your dog wasn't eating his dog food, so I fed him the steak that was in the freezer! You WHAT??!!! - Steinbauer, that was top sirloin!! I was saving it for the weekend!! Oops! - Did you give him ALL of it?? No, just a little! - I
dr000422 -- ate the rest! GAAAHH!
dr000423 -- Listen , Steinbauer, I know we hired you to be a pet sitter... - But I think you're spending too much time at our house! I don't appreciate you helping yourself to all my stuff! - Relax, Ralph! I'm not even at your house right now! I'm
dr000423 -- playing golf! - By the way, do you have any extra balls in your golf bag? I keep hitting them in the lake!
dr000424 -- Hey, Ralph, how come you buy this low-fat ice cream? It's not as good! - YOU'RE EATING ALL MY ICE CREAM?? - No, I'm sharing it with your dig! - Wally and I have been bonding! Your TEETH are going to need some bonding!
dr000425 -- Oops! - Look, Wally! A potato chip! Come and get it! - It's all yours! Go for it! sniff sniff sniff - You don't want it?? - That means I have to bend down and pick it up, you dumb dog! - Aaaaarrggh! - Uh-oh! - That dumb dog isn't so dumb, is
dr000425 -- he?
dr000426 -- Hi, Wally!! I'm back from vacation!! - Yawn! Aren't you glad to see me? - Good bye, Wally! I have to go! All good things must come to an end! kiss kiss  - Thanks for petsitting, Steinbauer. Good luck getting him to stay off the furniture from
dr000426 -- now on!
dr100427 -- Dad, if you insist on wearing those old sweatpants... - Would you kindly sit with your legs crossed? It's cooler this way!
dr100428 -- What are you doing, Penny? - I'm working on my thumb speed! Huh?? - I need to be able to text faster so I won't get in trouble at school! - Perhaps you just shouldn't text in school! Or I could just work on my thumb speed!
dr100429 -- Shame on you, Ralph... - I told you to start watching what you eat! - What happened? - My eyes got tired!
dr100430 -- I hate it when they play 911 calls on the news! - It's an invasion of privacy. People are calling in a state of panic or grief! - It's just not right! - Help! This is Norman Drabble! I'm head's stuck in a mailbox! Besides, That doesn't even
dr100430 -- sound like me!
dr100501 -- - - Ah-ha! Here's another reason newspapers are superior to the Internet... - You can't copy the comics onto silly putty!
dr100502 -- Honeybunch good was dinner! ? - Tired I'm! Huh?? - Tonight early sack the hit to going I'm think I! What?? - Morning tomorrow golf play to going I'm! - Ralph, why are you saying everything backward? - It's the only way I can ever... Finish a
dr100502 -- sentence around here?
dr100503 -- See you tomorrow, Mr. Drabble! - Thank you! - Thanks, Mr. Drabble! - What happened, Ralph? I've developed "Fast-Food Elbow"!
dr100504 -- - - - Wendy and I have mastered the art of nonverbal communication!
dr100505 -- chirp! Hey! I got a text from Brtny! - She said she was thinking of me and wanted to say hello! - Brtny loves to text! Sometimes I think she's more comfortable texting than talking! - chirp! Now why do you say that? Well, it's true!
dr100506 -- I like u, Norm! text text text Really?? What do u like about me? text text - I like how you can't keep your shoes tied...I like how your hair is always a mess.. - I like how you always smell like peanut butter...I like that dumb look on your
dr100506 -- face... text text text - I could go on and on... text text text That's OK. text text text
dr100507 -- Maybe we should hang out together sometime, Nrmn! text text text - When? text text text How about tonight? text text - K! What time? text text Pick me up in 2 hours. text text text - That will give me time to recharge my cell phone! text text
dr100508 -- I had a nice time, Nrmn! text text text - Me 2, Brtny! text text - Let's do it again sometime. Bye! - xoxo WOW!!
dr100509 -- Lather, rinse, repeat...lather, rinse, repeat...lather, rinse, repeat...lather, rinse, repeat... I think I just figured out why Norman's hair is always so shiny! ...and why we always run out of water!
dr100510 -- ...17 minutes, 31 seconds...17 minutes, 32 seconds... - I'M NEVER GOING TO MAKE IT!! - What's wrong with dad? He's having a physical tomorrow morning. - The doctor told him to FAST for 12 hours! Why do they call it a "fast" when the time goes
dr100510 -- so slow?!
dr100511 -- This is ridiculous! I can't go 12 hours without food or drink! - Dad, I know it seems hard, but it's important to follow the doctor's orders! - You can do it, dad! I'll help you every step of the way! - It'll be a piece of cake! CAKE?!!!
dr100512 -- Dad, a blood test is an important part of a physical exam... - That's why the doctor asked you to fast for 12 hours. - If you've been eating before the exam, it could affect the results. - That could explain why last time they said your
dr100512 -- blood type was "Oreo-positive"!
dr100513 -- The doctor says dad has to fast for 12 hours before his physical exam! You can do it, dad! - It's probably my imagination, but I already feel a little thinner! - Just think how you'll look in ANOTHER two hours! I think I need a new belt!
dr100514 -- I don't care what the doctor says! I can't fast anymore! - A little midnight snack won't hurt! No one will ever know! - Let's see what's in the pantry! - AH HA!!
dr100515 -- I did it!! I fasted for 12 hours, like the doctor said! I'm off to my physical! - Ralph, the doctor called. He had to reschedule your appointment for tomorrow! - That means you'll have to start fasting again tonight! - In that case, I'd
dr100515 -- better have a substantial breakfast!
dr100516 -- Hi! I'm calling to tell you that Timmy just got a great hit! - It was incredible! You wouldn't believe it!! - HE CLOBBERED it! He nearly tore the COVER off the ball!! - Timmy hit a ROCKET that they had NO CHANCE to catch! It was AWESOME!!
dr100516 -- Everyone went WILD!! - TIMMY POPPED IT UP AND THE INFIELDER COULDN'T CATCH IT BECAUSE THE SUN WAS IN HIS EYES AND HE WAS CRYING!! - Baseball parents have never been known for their journalistic integrity! Ignore him. That's the pitcher's dad!
dr100517 -- Welcome To Wobbly Heights Retirement Village STOP - All Laws Strictly Enforced. -
dr100518 -- Good morning, Mrs. Alabaster! - This is for you! Why, thank you, officer Drabble. - I'm sorry it's late! - Do you know how hard it is to find a belated 100th birthday card?
dr100519 -- You need some exercise, Ralph! - What are you talking about?! - I'm getting plenty of exercise! - My head's spinning, my heart's racing and my stomach's churning!
dr100520 -- Honeybunch, I have a stupid question... - There's no such thing as a stupid question, Ralph! - Are these MY sweatpants or yours? - There my be no stupid questions, but there are certainly ill-advised ones!
dr100521 -- Here's my report card, dad! - ...Sigh... - Just remember, times have changed. - A "D-Plus" is the new "B-Minus"!
dr100522 -- WALLY! HERE, BOY! - - Here, kitty, kitty, kitty! - The best way to get the dog to come here is to call the cat! !
dr100523 -- CLOSED?? - I don't get it! It doesn't make sense! - How could a donut shop that had YOU for a customer, ever go out of BUSINESS??!! According to the sign, the owner retired to the French Riviera!
dr100524 -- GAS - For all the money they charge us for gasoline... - You'd think they'd at least provide squeegees that work!
dr100525 -- scribble scribble - Look, honeybunch! I did it! - I finally completed the daily crossword puzzle! - How many boxes did you have to blacken-in? JUST A FEW!
dr100526 -- - Hey! I think I can see a can of... - No, maybe not. - ...Sigh... I keep telling you, Ralph, no matter how long you stare into the refrigerator, nothing's gonna change in there!
dr100527 -- When you stare into the fridge for a long time... - and don't see anything good to eat... - it helps to close the door for a few seconds. - Yes! It works every time!
dr100528 -- Ralph, this card is very sweet! - My mother will love it! - I'm surprised you'd buy her such a sentimental birthday card! - They don't make funny cards for people her age!
dr100529 -- Hi, Wendy! - Mind if I sit here? - Sorry. That seat is taken by my imaginary friend! - Aren't you going to introduce us?
dr100530 -- Ralph, this is ridiculous! - I'm tired of having one dinky little inflatable pool in our backyard! - It's too small for us all to swim in! - You're right, honeybunch. I guess it's time to shell out some money so my family can swim in style!
dr100530 -- - Much better! I won't even bother asking him about a room addition!
dr100531 -- I'm home from work! - Good morning, dad! - It's 5:30 p.m.! Whatever! - I see summer vacation is off to a flying start!
dr100601 -- Now that the semester is over, I'm going to sell my textbooks back to the school book store! - They'll pay top dollar for used books in good condition! - If you bring back a book that looks worn and heavily used, they won't pay you as much. -
dr100601 -- I'm guessing that won't be a problem for him!
dr100602 -- Campus Bookstore End Of Semester Book Buyback! I'd like to sell back my text books. OK. - Let me examine them to make sure they're in good condition!... - You highlighted every word in this book with a marker! - I wasn't sure what I needed to
dr100602 -- remember! You even highlighted the index!
dr100603 -- I'd like to sell back this book, too. It's in mint condition! - Mint condition?? This book is thrashed! - Why do you say it's in mint condition?? - It smells kind of good!
dr100604 -- We'll buy back your math book for $12! - $12? Let's see, I paid $100 for it... - So, $12 is a great deal! That's...like...50% of the original price! - We'll give you $15, since it's pretty clear that you never opened it!
dr100605 -- Look, dad! I'm RICH!! - I sold my textbooks back to the bookstore, and they paid me $29!! - They paid you $29 for the textbooks we bought you for $400? - I drive a hard bargain! Promise me you won't become a house flipper!
dr100606 -- ...8... - - ...9... - - 10! - - HOBBLE HOBBLE - obble obble obble! - I'll know I'm finally in shape when I can get my entire body to stop moving all at once!
dr100607 -- WHAM! - - - - - YEEEOOOOWWW!!! - How come it takes so long for the pain to reach my brain? It has to take a detour around your stomach!
dr100608 -- Why isn't the VOLUME GOING UP? - You're pointing the remote backward. OH Yeah, huh!
dr100609 -- Ralph, I still don't get it! Why do you like to stare endlessly into the refrigerator? - It's a guy thing, honeybunch! - It dates back to prehistoric times when the hunter would stare into the wilderness, looking for the slightest movement! -
dr100609 -- You're out of your mind! WHOA! You better check the expiration date on that cottage cheese!
dr100610 -- Staring into the refrigerator is just as interesting as watching TV! - There's action, adventure, drama, comedy... - COMEDY?? - Some of the leftovers are starting to smell funny!
dr100611 -- OK, TIME! - Good job, son! You stared into the refrigerator for half an hour! - You're on your way to becoming a true man! - We'll have more MAN LESSONS tomorrow! When do I learn how to misplace my car keys?
dr100612 -- - - Why do you look so proud of yourself? - Today someone accused me of overthinking!
dr100613 -- 37...38...39... - 40!!! - ...48...49... - 50!!!! - Come on! Keep going! Keep going! - 60!! - I wish I could get that excited over the price of a fill-up! The numbers have NEVER gone this high! Another record shattered!
dr100614 -- I like my steak well done! How do you want yours? Medium well. Medium. Medium rare. Rare! - How are you going to know which one is which? Easy! - Well done on the bottom, rare on top!
dr100615 -- I still don't get it... - Why does he always stare into the refrigerator? - Maybe he's starved for entertainment! - It makes no sense! To bad I can't talk. They miss a lot of good lines!
dr100616 -- I can't find my cell phone. - I know it's here in the house someplace! text text text - Norman, do me a favor and call my cell phone! text text text - HEY, CELL PHONE!!
dr100617 -- What do you find so fascinating in there? - Staring into a refrigerator is totally dull and boring! - Fine. I'll go watch TV! - GOLF?? That's more boring than the refrigerator!! Don't you have a book club meeting to go on?
dr100618 -- I have a good idea, Ralph! Let's watch our home movies! Why? - It will be fun to relive old memories! - I remember that toy! Patrick broke it! I DID NOT! Look at my hair! What was I thinking?? I can't believe you let me wear that ugly dress!
dr100618 -- Yeah, this is a blast!
dr100619 -- - - - - Why did you change the channel?
dr100620 -- Why do you always sit there and stare at me while I'm eating? - It's not going to do you any good! - You should know by now that I'm not going to give you anything! - You've been staring at me for ten minutes! What makes you think you're
dr100620 -- suddenly going to get something to eat? - Boy, dogs are dumb! - Ralph, you've been staring in the refrigerator for ten minutes! What makes you think you're suddenly going to find something to eat??
dr100621 -- Dad, you're late! Mom asked you to pick her up at 6:00! Uh-oh! I thought she said 6:30!! - Boy, am I gonna get yelled at!! - Relax! It was just a miscommunication! - A miscommunication is usually followed by a MRS. communication! Dad, mom's
dr100621 -- on the phone! @!!*
dr100622 -- AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! - Very realistic, but next time let's see if we can practice our emergency-escape drill without screaming!
dr100623 -- Beat it! - Shoo! Get lost! Scram! - - Quack quack! Why didn't you say so?
dr100624 -- Dad, can I borrow your comb? Sure! - I've got something stuck in my teeth! - YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO PICK YOUR TEETH WITH A COMB!! - You're supposed to use a cap from a ballpoint pen!
dr100625 -- Z - - SCORE!! My turn!
dr100626 -- Waitress! Excuse me! - I'm still waiting for my root beer! Oh, yeah, huh! - Sorry. No problem! - I admire that you're not trying for a big tip!
dr100627 -- These things are sweet! - I put in the earbud, and no one can hear my music but me! - * - Norman, you're such an airhead, I can hear the music coming out of your other ear! * - You need to put in the other earbud! Oh yeah, huh? - *
dr100628 -- ZZYZX! - Oh, Ralph! Ralph Drabble! - I've come to tell you that you need to start being a little kinder. - 'k, bye! poof! I also need to stop eating pizza right before bedtime!
dr100629 -- Good morning, honeybunch! smooch! - I woke up this mornin with the distinct impression that I should try to be a little kinder to everyone! - Only a little? WHADDAYA MEAN, ONLY A... - Ah, ah, ahh! I mean...what a delightful sense of humor you
dr100629 -- have!
dr100630 -- Dad, will you blow up our wading pool? I just blew it up 3 days ago! - I know, but you had garlic breath, and we were all scared it might spring a leak, so we deflated it! - YOU WHAT?? - Remember, you need to be kinder! This time, chew some
dr100630 -- gum first!
dr100701 -- MY NEW GOLF CLUB?!! It was an accident, dad! - I was just trying to see how far it would bend! HOW FAR IT WOULD BEND?! - Ahh, ahh, ahh! Remember, you need to be kinder to people! - Maybe I'll just take up tennis instead! Much better!
dr100702 -- BUMP! - You just bumped into my car!!! Sorry. I was texting. text text - TEXTING WHILE DRIVING??!! WHAT KIND OF MORIN... text text - You're going to tell me to be nice to him, aren't you? Not in this case!
dr100703 -- Honeybunch, I just want you to know how lovely you look! - Do you really mean that, or are you just saying it because you're trying to be nicer to everyone? - Uhhhhhhh - OK, smarty, how do I answer that one? I'll create a diversion. What's her
dr100703 -- cell phone number?
dr100704 -- It's getting dark! It won't be long until the fireworks start! The fireworks might start sooner than you think! What do you MEAN your mother is coming to visit us for a month??!
dr100705 -- Are the burgers ready yet? No. - Why not? The fire is on low. Have you flipped them? Yes. - How recently? 30 seconds ago. When will they be ready? About three minutes. - All right, then. Burgers aren't the only things that get grilled around
dr100705 -- here!
dr100706 -- What are you doing? Exercising. - Good for you, honeybunch! - You might want to try a few sit-ups, too. - She should thank me! Now I've got her jogging!
dr100707 -- Hello, Wally! - Come on up here! Come on, hop up! - Hey, what's wrong? You're supposed to be a LAP dog! - I couldn't find his lap!
dr100708 -- What's wrong, dad? - My favorite comic strip looks a little strange today! - It's almost as if the cartoonist lost his GLASSES! - It could happen I suppose!
dr100709 -- Dad, what would a cartoonist DO if he lost his glasses? - Keep drawing and hope the best! Wouldn't he just get new glasses? - No, that takes time. They have deadlines, you know! - Being a cartoonist must be stressful! Nah! Only when they
dr100709 -- lose their glasses!
dr100710 -- Honeybunch, look at this comic strip! - I think the cartoonist may have misplaced his glasses! Why? - It doesn't look quite right. - Actually, I think it looks better than usual!
dr100711 -- - - - - - For heaven's sake, Ralph! Wally wants you to take him for a walk! What are you waiting for?? I'm going to need a jacket!
dr100712 -- Bulk Club Membership Discount Warehouse Next in line, please! - Merchandise Returns Hello! What's your refund policy? - YOU BETTER HAVE A GOOD REASON!! - I think I'll just keep it! I like this job!
dr100713 -- Return I'd like to return this blender. Sigh - You bought it, changed your mind, and now you expect us to refund your money because of your dumb question?? - Here. Good luck living with yourself! - NEXT! Maybe this toaster isn't so bad after
dr100713 -- all!
dr100714 -- I'd like to return this camera I bought last week. Hm...this camera went on sale today. - Some people return things that go on sale, just so they can buy them again at a cheaper price! - They think they're being clever, but end up being
dr100714 -- tormented by a guilty conscience for the rest of their sorry lives! - Have a nice day!
dr100715 -- According to the sign, the store has a "no questions asked" return policy... - So I'd like to return this! - - I'd rather answer questions! Nothing says I can't give you the skunk-eye!
dr100716 -- I'd like to return these items! - - And might I remind you that if no one returned anything, you'd be out of a job! - Is cash OK, or would you like me to credit your account? Atta boy!
dr100717 -- One thing is for certain... - What goes around, comes around! - Unless we're talking about your dad's belt! Dang!
dr100718 -- - GO AHEAD, NORM! JUMP!! - - - SPLOOSH! - HA! That was HILARIOUS!! You should've seen yourself! You were scared to death! I wasn't scared, dad... - Halfway down, I remembered I had your cell phone in my pocket!
dr100719 -- DING DONG! - Hello! May I speak to the head of the household? - MOM! MOM! MOM! HONEYBUNCH!
dr100720 -- I'm back! - Well, it's about time! - What took you so long to drive home? - I hit every stop sign!
dr100721 -- People who text while driving are stupid. - People who text in theaters are rude. - People who text in buffet lines are beneath contempt! text text text
dr100722 -- SLAM! - There's the front door! One of our kids just came home. - biddle-iddle-oop! It's Patrick! - I recognize our kids by their text alerts! biddle-iddle-oop!
dr100723 -- Look what I bought, honeybunch! Low-fat ice-cream! - I'm finally getting serious about losing weight! Good for you, Ralph! - Although it might be better if it wasn't low-fat CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE DOUGH ice cream! Hey, it's a step in the right
dr100723 -- direction!
dr100724 -- Wanna go for a walk, Wally? - Wally is so smart! - When he hears the word "walk", he goes and gets his leash! That's nothing. - I can't figure out how he puts on his harness!
dr100725 -- BAM! - BOP! - - - SMACK! - Darned fishing net! Let's cut him loose and try to roll him back in the water!
dr100726 -- Whatcha doin', dad? Sit-ups! - Now that it's summer I need to work on my beach body! - You've already got a beach body, dad! - You look like an island!
dr100727 -- - OK, kids! Make me look good! - DIG DIG MOLD pat pat SCULPT mold dig PAT PAT -
dr100728 -- Watch this, Norman. It never fails... - As soon as your dad's meal arrives, he'll wish he'd ordered something else! - That looks good. I wish I'd ordered what you guys got! - Amazing! It's called "menu order disorder." Dang!
dr100729 -- Enjoy! Dang! I wish I'd ordered what YOU got! - You did! She got our orders mixed up! - Oh yeah! This is yours and this is yours! - Enjoy! Dang! I wish I'd ordered that!
dr100730 -- I love digital photography! - I can see all our photos on the computer! - the best part is that I can erase all of my lines and wrinkles! - Darn! The computer just crashed! That was bound to happen!
dr100731 -- Run under the waterfall, Penny! - OK! - Hee hee hee! Ha ha ha! - Kids are easy to please! Dads are easy to please!
dr100801 -- Package for you, Mr. Drabble! - ...sigh... Thanks! - I can remember when our cell phone bill used to come in an ENVELOPE! text text text  text text text  text texty text  text texty text text
dr100802 -- Ralph, we need to get you a Facebook page! What's that? - It's a social networking site! A place where your friends can always find you! - My friends already know where to find me! - I know, but sometimes the frozen yogurt shop is closed! I
dr100802 -- was thinking of the driving range, smarty!
dr100803 -- You'll enjoy being on this social networking site, Ralph! - It's a great way to reconnect with long lost friends! - Why would I want to do that? - There's a reason why some long-lost friends become long lost!
dr100804 -- OK, Ralph, now we need to fill out your profile! What's your favorite TV show? - "The Munsters". OK, What's your favorite movie? - "Meet The Munsters". Favorite music? - The theme song from "The Munsters." Maybe I'll just leave all this blank
dr100804 -- for now.
dr100805 -- Look, Ralph! Someone already wants to "friend" you! - I told you once we set up your account, you'd start hearing from your long-lost friends and relatives! - It's your uncle Larry! Uncle Larry? I remember uncle Larry! - He probably wants to
dr100805 -- borrow money again! Hit "Ignore"!
dr100806 -- Your mom set me up with my own Facebook page! - I've finally joined the 21st century! I don't feel like an old fuddy-duddy anymore! - Look, Ralph! Somebody wrote on your wall! - WHAT?? How DARE they!! Crazy vandals! What's wrong with kids
dr108806 -- today?! Ralph, that's a GOOD thing!
dr100807 -- I have an E-mail address, a social networking page... - A cell phone, a landline... - A website, a mailbox... - And STILL nobody wants to talk to me! We need to get you a twitter account!
dr100808 -- Dentistry Hello, Doctor! Hi, Ralph! Long time no see! Have a seat! - Is that a TV? - Yes! Now you can watch a movie while I work on your teeth! nice! - Most of my patients love it! - It helps take their minds off the procedure! - Move over! I
dr100808 -- like this part!
dr100809 -- Who says golfers aren't athletes? - You've got to be in shape to walk 18 holes! - Or in my case, RUN 18 holes! C'mon, Norm! Don't lag behind!
dr100810 -- That ball's mine! No, that's mine! - Boys, you should always make a distinctive marking on your ball! - Then you'll know which one is yours! - Is that why your ball has a stripe and says, "Range"? Yeah, that's the reason!
dr100811 -- Putting requires intense concentration! - BZZZZZZZ - ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ NO VUVUZELAS ON THE GOLF COURSE!!
dr100812 -- Dad, I have a golf tip for you. What's that, son? - Try not to hit or lose your ball all the time! - It not only adds strokes to your score, but it gets expensive! - Why didn't I ever think of that? Maybe I should be an instructor.
dr100813 -- Whew! You almost hit it into the lake! - This is amazing! I haven't lost any balls in the water all day! - - If I don't find the water, the water finds me!
dr100814 -- A little rain never hurt anybody! - But dad, we're getting SOAKED! It'll pass by! Just wait it out! - Find an overhang to get under! - You guys are a riot!
dr100815 -- May I take your order, please? Yes, I'd like one 2-by-4... - One "Headless Horseman"...one "Grim Reaper"...a side order of "Junk Mail", hold the "Goop"... - What are you TALKING about?? I don't see any of those things on the menu! - Those
dr100815 -- things are on the SECRET menu! Secret menu?? - Regular customers know there's a secret menu, that ordinary people don't know about! That's how you prove you're not a tourist! You have to know the lingo! - So, what would YOU like, honeybunch?
dr100815 -- - I'll have a hamburger. A WHAT?? Why does she always have to embarrass me?
dr100816 -- Did you play baseball in high school, dad? I sure did, son! - Were you a good hitter? Nah! - I couldn't hit my weight! - If he had, he would've won the battling title!
dr100817 -- Hey, wakeup! It's almost nine! - Just because there's no school doesn't mean you can sleep until noon! - You should know that by now! Get started on your chores! - Summer "vacation" is a misnomer! I'll be glad when school starts so I can get
dr100817 -- some rest!
dr100818 -- Norman drove my car last... - He changed all the radio buttons, adjusted the treble and bass... - moved up the seat, tilted the steering wheel, adjusted all the mirrors... - AND I ONLY ASKED HIM TO PULL IT INTO THE GARAGE!!
dr100819 -- - - Oh, for heaven's sake, Ralph... - Finish your water so Wally can have the bottle! In due time!
dr100820 -- ...and now here's Lana with the weather! Wow! - Why did you say, "wow" when the weather girl walked on? - She's not a weather girl, she's a METEOROLOGIST! How dare you call her a weather girl! That's demeaning! - You're right. I'm sorry! The
dr100820 -- best defense is a good offense!
dr100821 -- Aren't you a little embarrassed that he puts a leash on you to go for a walk? - No, why? - It implies that you're so stupid, you'd run off and get lost without it! - I thought it was so HE wouldn't get lost! Oh, that could be!
dr100822 -- - - - ...Sigh... - glug glug glug glug glug glug! - OK, here! - CLOMP! - When there's a water bottle and a wiener dog in the same room, it can be hard to concentrate! CRUCH CRUNCH
dr100823 -- ...Sigh... - I'm sorry for the way my hair looks! - You mean today, or just in general? - I WAS JUST SEEKING CLARIFICATION!
dr100824 -- ...the weather forecast today is...(scan)...** I walk the line **..(scan)... - ...in other news...(scan)...Welcome to the jungles, clones!... - YES! THAT'S THE STATION I WANT!! WHERE'S THE "STOP SCAN" BUTTON??! punch! punch! press! hit! -
dr100824 -- ...baby baby * * baby oohh! DANG!
dr100825 -- ...runner at first base. The pitcher comes set at the belt... - ...and the umpire calls a balk! - skattle skattle skattle - He said BALK!
dr100826 -- Ralph, why do they... Shhh!! - - OK, what were you... SHHHH!! I love this commercial! - It's hard to watch TV together. She talks during the show, and I talk during the commercials!
dr100827 -- Don't touch the plate! It's hot! - YEEEOOW! - What is it about the phrase "Don't touch the plate! It's hot!" that the male mind doesn't understand?
dr100828 -- Here you go, Ralph! - -Wash the windows -Wash the car -Paint the fence - What IS this? - Just think of it as your bucket list! ...Sigh...
dr100829 -- Hello? ---oh, hi, No-Neck! What's new? - You don't say! Is that a fact?!! - WHAT?? No way!! That's AMAZING!!! - HA HA HA!! That's Hilarious!! - What happened after that?? - Are you KIDDING me? I never thought I'd see the day!! - OK, thanks
dr100829 -- for calling! Bye! - So, what did No-Neck have to say? Nothin'.
dr100830 -- Mom, dad...I've decided to live at college this semester! - I need my independence! Don't worry, I'll come home for holidays. - ...and weekends...and when I have laundry...and whenever you cook something good for dinner! Farewell! - Our
dr100830 -- little boy is growing up! I wish he'd hurry! Cops, I almost forgot my blanky!
dr100831 -- Norm, as you prepare to leave home to go live at college, you may be having second thoughts. - But let me remind you of one thing... - Today is the first day of the rest of my life! - That's nice, dad. Maybe I could turn your room into a home
dr100831 -- theater!
dr100901 -- We always knew the day would come when you left home, Norman. - You poor father is taking it very hard! - I even saw a tear in his eye! - Actually, that's just sweat from moving the pool table into my room! Oh yeah, huh!
dr100902 -- I'm going to miss you, big brother! Me too! - You're the best big brother in the world! What about me? - You're the ten BILLIONTH best big brother in the world! Well, you're the ten ZILLIONTH best little sister! - MOM! PATRICK IS BEING MEAN!!
dr100902 -- AM NOT! I'll miss you guys, too!
dr100903 -- Well, I guess this is it, Norm. You're really leaving home. - Living at the dorm will be a great adventure! Just be careful and make wise choices! - Oh, and one more thing... - DON'T GO!!
dr100904 -- I can't believe this! It's finally happening! Our little boy is leaving home! - This is the saddest day of my life! - blubber blubber blubber - Even your CRYING sounds fat! BEAT IT!
dr100905 -- - * - * Which pocket is my cell phone in? - * - * - * - * - Ah-ha! * - Dang! I missed the call! - He who lives by the cargo pants, dies by the cargo pants!
dr100906 -- Hello! You must be Norman! - I'm Elgin Carp! I'll be your roommate! Nice to meet you, Elgin! - Our dorm room isn't very big, is it? It should be OK for the three of us! - THREE of us? You, me and my pet duck!
dr100907 -- So, what's your major, Norman? I'm still undecided. - What do you want to do for a living? I'd like to be a LEGO sculptor! - A LEGO sculptor? Yeah! Check out this amazing likeness of Abe Lincoln! - It looks like a battleship! Really? Wow, I
dr100907 -- have even more talent than I thought.
dr100908 -- How about you, Elgin? What are you studying? I'm a music major. - I aspire to become a professional vuvuzelist! - BOOVVVVVVV! - Catchy! I hope my practicing won't keep you awake at night!
dr100909 -- I can't believe Norman has left home! - What an adjustment! It already seems so different around here! That's true... - Hey! Who tracked in mud?! Uhhh... - It must have been you! Now there's one less person I can blame things on!
dr100910 -- I can't believe our oldest child has left home! Before you know it, we'll be emptynesters! - Patrick, don't ever grow up and leave home, OK? - You mean you want me to never become self-reliant and mature? You want me to be dependent on my
dr100910 -- parents forever? - If you wouldn't mind! Let me get back to you on that!
dr100911 -- It's strange... - Norman hasn't even been gone a whole day, and the house already seems different! - I know... - Instead of having 3 TVs on with nobody watching them, we only have *2* TVs on with nobody watching them!
dr100912 -- What flavor are you going to get, dad? Hmmm... - How about chocolate? Absolutely not! - Strawberry? Nope. Bad idea! - Orange? Peanut butter fudge? Nope! No way! - Better make it banana! Banana?? - Why banana? The color of my yogurt always has
dr100912 -- to match my shirt!
dr100913 -- Norman has only been gone since this morning, but I already miss him! Me too, honeybunch! - By deciding to live at college, at least he's proven that he's growing up! - - What are YOU doing back here?? Since college isn't that far away, I
dr100913 -- figured I'd sleep here at night!
dr100914 -- Norman, you can't sleep here every night! We've already paid for your dorm!! - Grow up and show some independence! - Let go of your mom's apron strings! - And let go of my sweatpants strings, too!
dr100915 -- Norman, you can't sleep here every night! We've already paid for your dorm! - But I've never slept away from home, dad! - I'd never be able to sleep at college! - You sleep at college all the time! Yeah, but that's in the daytime!
dr100916 -- ...and then they lived happily ever after. - Goodnight, Norman! - 'nite, dad! Of all the roommates I could have gotten this semester, I had to get him!
dr100917 -- The campus bookstore is huge! - How on earth are we supposed to find all the books we need? - All Books Shelved By Author. Wow! - It's not enough that they WRITE the books, they also have to SHELVE them, too?
dr100918 -- Here you go, Ralph! What's that? - Wash the car, paint the fence, trim the trees... - You gave me a list of chores to do?? Happy Saturday!
dr100919 -- Ralph, I've been asked to make a big fruit salad for the community picnic! - Will you slice up all of the bananas, please? ALL of them? - It won't take that long! ...Sigh... - - peel peel peel - thump thump thump thump Thank goodness for
dr100919 -- ceiling fans!
dr100920 -- Hmmm...someone sent me a message on Facebook. - Hello, Ralph! You probably don't remember me. - My name is Tammy Treehugger. - Looks like he remembers her! This could be trouble!
dr100921 -- Ralph got a Facebook message from Tammy Treehugger! His high school sweetheart! - I wonder if she still has braces. Are you kidding? By now she probably has dentures!
dr100922 -- Holy nachos! I got a Facebook message from my high school sweetheart! - It's been a long time, Ralph. Tell me all about yourself. Are you married? - Hi! GAAAAHH!! - Goodness, you're jumpy! You need to cut back on the frosted cereal!
dr100923 -- Go ahead and respond to your high school sweetheart, Ralph! What's the harm? Don't do it!! - If your wife finds out, it could damage your relationship!! How would she ever know? - Ralph, did you eat the entire bag of cookies and then replace
dr100923 -- them with a new bag, thinking I wouldn't notice?! - Trust me, she'll know!
dr100924 -- An old flame sent me a Facebook message. It's best to let sleeping dogs lie, Ralph! - You're right! I'll ignore her 'friend' request! Smart man! - I'll click 'ignore' right now! Here I go! I'm going to click 'ignore'! Ready,
dr100924 -- ONE...TWO...THREE. - ...four...five...six...seven... WILL YOU CLICK IT, ALREADY?!
dr100925 -- My old high school sweetheart contacted me on Facebook! She asked me if I was married! - Maybe she still has feelings for me! Maybe she wants to apologize for dumping me! Maybe... - Blink! Hey! She just sent me another message! - I asked if
dr100925 -- you were married because I now sell cosmetics! Tell your wife to check out my new website!
dr100926 -- I'm going to the store, honeybunch! - OK! I'm going to the gym! - While you're there, see if they have any exercise machines to tighten your abs! - Will do. - And while you're at the store, see if they have any pain reliever! - Good idea! You
dr100926 -- might be a little sore tonight! You and me both!
dr100927 -- KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK arf ARF arf ARF arf arf ARF arf arf - Wally, relax! - Why do you have to bark your head off every time you hear a knock? - arf arf arf ARF arf arf ARF arf Or, for that matter, every time you hear the WORD "knock"!
dr100928 -- I don't know what to do about this dumb dog. - He goes ballistic every time he hears a-you know what-at the door! - A knock? - arf arf ARF arf arf ARF arf arf Sorry.
dr100929 -- Daddy! I heard a funny joke at school! - Want me to tell it to you? Sure, Penny! - Just as long as it's not a 'knock-knock' joke! - arf ARF arf arf arf ARF arf ARF arf arf arf Too late!
dr100930 -- Enjoy! - What's this? Some kind of sausage? - Knockwurst! - arf arf arf arf arf ARF ARF arf ARF arf arf ARF Oh, shut up!
dr101001 -- Look what I bought for our curio cabinet... zzyzx - A KNICKKNACK! ! - ? - Whew! That was close!
dr101002 -- ARF arf arf arf ARF arf arf arf ARF arf arf arf Oh, for cryin' out loud, Wally! Stop barking! - ARF arf arf arf arf arf arf arf  ARF arf arf arf arf There's nobody at the door. - See? - SLAM! Now shut up! MOTHER!
dr101003 -- You're in the rough, about 150 yards from the pin! - Which club do you want to use, dad? - Who cares? It's not like it's going to make much of a difference today! - Eenie meenie miney MOE! - My driver! Sure, why not?! - I hate it when dad
dr101003 -- gives up! Especially on the second hole! FORE, PROBABLY!
dr101004 -- Patrick and me are going to have ice cream! - No, Patrick and *I* are going to have ice cream! - Not Patrick and ME?? No, Patrick and *I*! - Boy, she cries easily!
dr101005 -- I can't believe you juggle three jobs, dad! - Sometimes I think there must be TWO of you! - - So does the bathroom scale! Thank you for biting your tongue for 3 1/2 seconds!
dr101006 -- Hey Wally... - Wanna go for a WALK? - Hey! Hold still! - It's hard to put a harness on a happy wiener dog!
dr101007 -- Hello? ...oh, hi, Norm! - How's everything at the college dorm? - My roommate is insane! - I know that feeling! Here's an idea!Let's spend the day at the botanical garden with my mother!
dr101008 -- Honeybunch, I don't want o go to the botanical garden with your mother! - It would be hot and boring! Besides, I can't believe she'd even WANT me to tag along! - It's true, Ralph! She really wants you to come with us! Why? - She said you'd
dr101008 -- be good for shade! Now you know where my wife gets her delightful sense of humor!
dr101009 -- You can go ahead of me in the checkout line! - After all, you've only got one quart of milk! - ...and two packs of gum, six candy bars, lip balm, three magazines, a couple of DVDs...
dr101010 -- Don't spend the weekend lying around, Ralph! - You need to burn some calories! - No problem, honeybunch! - - - For me, just getting off the couch is an Aerobic workout!
dr101011 -- It's sure different living at college! - At last I'm on my own! - No one to tell me when to go to sleep or when to wake up or what to wear or what to do... - I hate it!
dr101012 -- I'm homesick! Living at the dorm isn't all it's cracked up to be! - KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK! I could use a little... - DAD! - How did you know I needed some fatherly advice?? It's my business to know!
dr101013 -- So what seems to be the problem, son? I'm homesick, dad! - College is filled with people and excitement and opportunities, but I still feel lonely. - Son, let me give you a little fatherly advice... - BOOT!
dr101014 -- Son, it's understandable that you'd be a little homesick! - But living at college is a great experience! Opportunities abound! - It's also a great place to meet girls! There are 10,000 women enrolled here! - At least ONE of them might find
dr101014 -- you interesting! So far, 9,743 don't!
dr101015 -- Norm, the key to success in life is to exude confidence. - How do I do that, dad? - A firm handshake is important! How's yours? - Needs work! wobble wobble wobbly wobble
dr101016 -- Son, there's no excuse for being lonely! You just need to be more outgoing! - Don't be shy! Run around! Make some noise! - Let the world know you're here! Make a name for yourself! - ALL RIGHT! HERE I GO! Something tells me I might regret
dr101016 -- that advice!
dr101017 -- chirp chirp! - Don't forget to bring your science book to class today. - text text text send! OK. I will. - chirp chirp! - Thanks! - text text  text text send! You're welcome. - chirp chirp! - :) Some people always have to have the last
dr101017 -- text!
dr101018 -- Hello? Oh, Hi, Norm! How's life at college? - I took your advice, dad. I've been running around, making noise, and letting the world know I'm here! - Excellent! How's it working out for you? - I'm in jail. SPPFFF!
dr101019 -- I'm in the mall jail, dad! The MALL JAIL??! - Holy crud! I've been a distinguished mall cop for YEARS! I have a REPUTATION to protect! - If I ever decide to run for public office, this could be embarrassing! - Do I even want to know what you
dr101019 -- did? Probably not!
dr101020 -- Norman, why are you in the mall jail?! What did you do??! - I went snorkeling in the fountain! That's not so bad! - And I jumped up and down on all the beds in the mattress store! A minor infraction... - And I rode the escalator without
dr101020 -- holding the handrail! Whoa! Now you're looking at hard time!
dr101021 -- Dad, I took your advice and decided to be more outgoing and bend the rules once in a while! I NEVER SAID ANYTHING ABOUT BENDING THE RULES!! - Yes you did! - No I didn't! Look at the strip from last week! - Don't be shy! Run around! Make some
dr101021 -- noise! Let the world know you're here! Make a name for yourself! - See?!! - OK, my bad. Now I feel a little stupid!
dr101022 -- OK, I worked things out. You're free to go! Thanks dad! - Sorry I acted up and thrown in the mall jail! - I sure wish you hadn't told me to try and come out of my shell! - QUIT BLAMING ME FOR THIS!! From now on, I'm going to ask MOM for
dr101022 -- fatherly advice!
dr101023 -- Dad, you TOLD me to make a name for myself! - That didn't mean to act like a nut and get thrown in the mall jail! - Norman, you need to start using the brains you were born with! - I HAVE been! Maybe that's the problem!
dr101024 -- Ralph left the stove burning again... - Someone left the water running... - Patrick forgot to feed the dog... - Somebody left the freezer ajar... - Penny forgot to close the back door... - Someone forgot to turn off the ceiling fan... - Mom
dr101024 -- sure takes her sweet time getting to the car! - It never fails: whenever we plan a family outing, she's always the last one out of the house!
dr101025 -- A jack-o'-lantern?! - Oh no! That means... - It's that time of the year again, Wally! - Now hold still while I get a picture of you in your hot dog costume! Wiener dogs hate Halloween!
dr101026 -- DING DONG! ! - bark bark yap BARK grrrr bark bark Relax, you dumb dog! It's just Halloween! - The doorbell's going to ring every 30 seconds! Oh. OK, thanks for explaining it to me. Otherwise, I would've barked every time I heard... - DING
dr101026 -- DONG bark bark bark arf arf yap bark bark It's going to be along night!
dr101027 -- DING DONG! Man, this Halloween candy is good! - Trick or treat! - - I said, TRICK OR TREAT! I'm thinking it over!
dr101028 -- Trick or treat!! - - Well? Huh? Sorry. I was having a flashback to my wife's family reunion! You whole LIFE is about to flash back!
dr101029 -- Sorry, kids. We seem to be all out of bubble gum! - But watch this... chomp chomp chomp - - BLAM! - I had that coming!
dr101030 -- That laundry room was a fright! Did you see the kitchen?? The upstairs bathroom is going to give me nightmares! Did you look in the fridge? The cottage cheese was ALIVE! - When I looked under the sofa cushions, I thought I'd scream!  Thanks
dr101030 -- for visiting the Drabbles' House of Horrors!
dr101031 -- Trick or treat! - Mr. Drabble? Is that you?? - You aren't going to scare us, are you? Hello? - - BOO! AAAAHHH!! - Sweet! They dropped two Snickers and a Kit Kat! No wonder our house gets TPed every weekend!
dr101101 -- The bad thing about wearing cargo pants is that they make my legs look big and lumpy! - Are you wearing a cargo SHIRT?
dr101102 -- Why don't these light bulbs all burn out at the same time? - I put them all IN at the same time! - They're either all ON or all OFF. So why don't they burn out at the same time??! - OW! Try not to think so hard, dear!
dr101103 -- You don't realize how lucky you are, honeybunch! - You should worship the ground I walk on! - I'm too busy VACUUMING the ground you walk on!
dr101104 -- bark bark arf arf - arf arf bark - bark bark arf arf bark arf arf - Fall is a busy time of year for Wally! A little help would be nice!
dr101105 -- Wally, you dumb dog! They're just leaves! bark bark bark bark bark - They're inanimate objects! There's no reason to bark at an inanimate object! * Dang! There goes my stupid cell phone again!! - WHAT NOW??!
dr101106 -- Welcome to Scarf City! You can go back to the buffet as often as you like! - Thank you. Can I have a booster seat, please? Sure! - The busboys can't keep up with me!
dr101107 -- Ralph, we need more bathroom tissue upstairs! - OK! - I wish you'd just go to the store and BUY some! If the neighborhood kids are going to TP our house every weekend, why not take advantage of it?!
dr101108 -- Ready, Patrick? Ready! - WAP! - Missed again! What's my problem? - Just as I suspected! I've developed a hitch! Dad's the only person I know who analyzes his flyswaiting technique on video replay!
dr101109 -- I should be an architect! I've go a great idea for a house! - Imagine this: a place where people can park their cars INDOORS! - You mean, like a garage?? Yeah, but a garage for cars!
dr101110 -- ...Sigh... What's wrong? - Sometimes I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders! - That's understandable. Your hat size is 8 1/4! - THAT'S NOT THE REASON! I'm just saying!
dr101111 -- Why aren't you eating your spinach? I don't like spinach. - Have you ever tried it? No. - Then how do you know you know you don't like it? I just do. Therefore, I will never try it. Any other questions? - Is that so? That sounded more like a
dr101111 -- statement!
dr101112 -- What's this? Spinach souffle. - Honeybunch, I told you I will not eat spinach! You can't make me! I know you think I should, but I won't!! - You need to consider my wishes! I do consider your wishes! - I consider them a challenge!
dr101113 -- Here's your breakfast, Ralph! - Pancakes, eggs, bacon...no spinach! Thank you! - I know you really want me to try spinach, but thanks for respecting my wishes and... - How come these pancakes look a little greenish? Must be the lightning.
dr101114 -- - - ...Sigh... - - - - How long did you want me to hold the guacamole? Never ask Norman to make you a taco.
dr101115 -- - roll roll roll - HEY, WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY MOUSE?? I CAN'T SCROLL DOWN! roll roll roll - You're reading a book! Turn the page! Oh, yeah, huh!
dr101116 -- You miserable cat! pick pick claw claw! - I spent $500 on that kitty thing! - And you still prefer to claw the sofa! - What's wrong with you?! What's wrong with ME??
dr101117 -- RING! Hello? ---hi, Norm! How's everything at college? - I've decided to change my major! How come? - I don't want to be a Lego sculptor anymore. I think I'd have a better career in balloon animals! - You're going to major in BALLOON
dr101117 -- ANIMALS?? - I figure there's a birthday party every day!
dr101118 -- Hey, you miserable cat! Look! The door is wide open! - Run away! The world is yours! Go! Be free! - Oogie! Din-din! - So close and yet so far!
dr101119 -- Congratulations, Norman! Way to go! You 'da man! I knew you could do it! - What's everyone cheering about? All I said was, "I just had a thought..." Gimme five!
dr101120 -- Whoa! You dumb cat! I didn't see you there! You almost killed me! - Quit playing on the stairs!! - One of these days, I'm going to throw you out! - But I'm so cute!
dr101121 -- RING! I'm busy, Ralph! I can't talk to anyone! - If that's Brenda, tell her I'm not home! If it's Debbie, tell her I'm on my way! RING! - If it's Betty, tell her I'll call her back! RING! - If it's my mother, tell her I'll be home this
dr101121 -- evening! RING! - If it's aunt Edna, tell her I'll call tomorrow! - If it's Melissa, tell her I'm on another line! RING! - Hello? ...yeah, she's right here! - - Good secretaries are hard to find!
dr101122 -- I'm home for thanksgiving!! - I see you brought the turkey! - No, Bob is a rare South American parrot. - I was talking to him!
dr101123 -- Norm, I'm so happy you're home from college! - Our house hasn't been the same since you left! - Really? That's true! - He turned your room into a man cave! Stay out of my mini fridge!
dr101124 -- I don't really like turkey and stuffing and cranberry sauce... - So I think I'd like a peanut butter sandwich instead! - But, Penny, it's THANKSGIVING! I know. - And thanksgiving is a day when I'm really thankful for peanut butter sandwiches!
dr101125 -- Penny, you can't have a peanut butter sandwich for thanksgiving! You have to eat turkey! But why, mom? - The reason the pilgrims came here is so we would all have freedom! Yeah! - High five, Penny! SLAP! - I'll live to regret that, won't I?
dr101125 -- Only if you're lucky!
dr101126 -- What a great thanksgiving! Norm's home from college, and all 10,000 of us are together again! - 10,000 of us? cheep beep bong boop chirp Us, our kids, and their 9,995 text buddies!
dr101127 -- This crossword puzzle is IMPOSSIBLE! - The clue for 17 down says, "see 97 across." - So, I look at 97 across, and there are just four empty boxes!! - What am I missing?? Where shall I start?
dr101128 -- I must say, it's nice to enjoy the splendors of nature! - We just don't do it often enough! - It's awe-inspiring to see the world in its natural state, untouched by human hands! - Just look at all the varieties of plant and animal life! - And
dr101128 -- to think we have it all in our own backyard. - ...literally! OK! OK! I'll get out the weed wacker!
dr101129 -- Uh-oh. My soda left a ring on the table! - I better wipe it up before the wife sees it! - The paper towels are all way in the kitchen. - Thank goodness for sweatpants!
dr101130 -- - Ahem! - Give me back the string to my sweatpants! But I just got my kite in the air!
dr101201 -- Well? It's December the first! So? - This is the day you always freak out because you're not ready for Christmas! - Not this year. I'm completely ready! Really? - NO! I'M JUST KIDDING! DON'T JUST STAND THERE! HELP ME ADDRESS CARDS!! She has a
dr101201 -- strange sense of humor!
dr101202 -- Oh, I love this commercial! - Ha ha ha! See? Isn't that funny?! - Let's watch it again! Most people use the digital video recorder to zap OUT the commercials!
dr101203 -- - - - YEEOW!! It's your own fault, Ralph. If you'd tie the drawstring on your sweatpants, the cat wouldn't be so playful!
dr101204 -- I'm home! - What a lousy day at work! - Aaahh! That's better! Linus has his security blanket, dad has his sweatpants!
dr101205 -- BLING* You are! - tap tap tappity tap! No, YOU are! - CLICK! Send - BLING* Am not! - tappa tappa tip tip tap! Are too! - CLICK! Send - Social networks make it possible to reconnect with childhood friends! And Enemies!
dr101206 -- - knock knock - BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK!! It's true: wiener dogs know what you're thinking!
dr101207 -- I can't decide what to make for dinner. - What kind of food do you feel like, Ralph? - squish! - He feels like bread dough!
dr101208 -- - tie tie tie tie - That should do it! - It's sad when you need to lengthen your sweatpants string! The holidays always add a few pounds!
dr101209 -- ! - BARK BARK bark BARK BARK bark BARK bark BARK BARK BARK bark bark bark - What would you do without me? Finish a nap!
dr101210 -- I can't believe the snack bar charges six bucks for a soda! - I guess there's no choice. You can't bring your own drinks into the theater. - Oh, well...I got the most for my money! - Care for a napkin?
dr101211 -- Ralph, when one of the neighbors comes with a plate of cookies... - The polite response is "thank you". - ...not "are there nuts in these?"! - The doctor told me to avoid nuts! I wish someone had told ME that!
dr101212 -- zzyzx - zzyzx - Kitty. - BARK BARK BARK BARK! - What a dumb dog! - All I have to do is say one word and he takes off running! - Beaters! -
dr101213 -- BARBER Hey, what's going on here?? - How come the hair on this sheet is so gray?? snip snip! - MY hair's not that gray! I'm not that old!! - WHOSE HAIR ARE YOU CUTTING BACK THERE??! snip snip snip!
dr101214 -- Optometry Free Eye Exam Your eyes are fin, Mr. Drabble! - That'll be $75! - Your sign said "Free Eye Exam"! That's right! - The other eye costs $75!
dr101215 -- Man, it's hot in here! It's just right! - Now, let's finish the Christmas cards. You lick the envelopes! - - LICK the envelopes! Don't wipe them across your forehead!
dr101216 -- Ahem! What! - Oh yeah, huh! - SMACK - When you hang mistletoe, location is everything!
dr101217 -- Why is it so cold in here? - Oh, that's the reason! Dad! Close the front door!  -* FIVE GOLDEN RINGS ** Sorry. This is going to take a while!
dr101218 -- - - Why did you put Bob on top of the tree? Christmas duckuration!
dr101219 -- What is it, Wally? - What are you trying to tell me? - You want to go into that room? - You want to go into that room so you can knock over the Christmas tree, pull off the ornaments and chew up all the gifts? - Sorry, I won't move the doggie
dr101219 -- gate! - How am I supposed to enjoy the holidays?
dr101220 -- Wally! It's Christmas-time again! - You know what this means! - It's time to put your reindeer outfit! And people wonder why dogs run away!
dr101221 -- - Next year we should HIRE someone to hang our lights! Or at least untangle them!
dr101222 -- - - - I swear they put just enough wrapping paper on a roll to not quite cover any gift!
dr101223 -- "Customer service is the name of the game, - "So we're sorry we had to deny your claim. - "May your coming year be filled with peace, - "Along with our annual rate increase." Our insurance company shouldn't bother to send Christmas cards!
dr101224 -- There! We'll leave some cookies and milk for Santa! - Are you sure that's going to be enough? - Last year he ate the cookies, dank the milk, got into our ice cream, and polished off our leftover pizza! She's right. Throw in a few more
dr101224 -- cookies!
dr101225 -- OK, all the presents are unwrapped... - The living room is covered with wrapping paper, ribbons and bows. - Go to town! - It doesn't take much to make a wiener dog happy!
dr101226 -- zzyzx! - Hey, Wally! Want to go for a walk? WALK! - - - - Well? Are you coming? No thanks, I'm tired now!
dr101227 -- I got a lot of goodies in my stocking this year! Me too! - But next year, I'm gonna do what dad did... - Use sweatpants!
dr101228 -- Honeybunch, I found this in the closet. It looks like a new shirt! Uh-oh... - That was supposed to be one of your Christmas presents! - I bought it, hid it, and forgot all about it! - That's what happens when you do your Christmas shopping in
dr101228 -- July!
dr101229 -- Yes!! I found a new basketball under the sink! - I found a video game in the attic! - I found the doll I wanted behind the bookcase! - It's fun to find the Christmas gifts you forgot about because you shop so early! The video game is for NEXT
dr101229 -- Christmas!
dr101230 -- Norm, it's high time I teach you the basics of household repair! - For example, this toilet keeps running. Do you know what to do? No. - First you shut off the water by closing the valve. twist twist twist OK! - Then what? From now on, only
dr101230 -- use the bathroom upstairs!
dr101231 -- Daddy's teaching Norman how to do simple repairs that everyone should know how to do! - Today he's showing him how to change a tire! - How's it going? How does it LOOK like it's going??!
dr110101 -- Fixing a leak under the sink is relatively simple! - Take your wrench, twist to the left... - Uh-oh... - NOW what do you do? Let mom take over! Get out of the way!
dr110102 -- TAP TAP TAP! WHAT'S THAT?!! - bark bark bark bark bark! INTRUDER ALERT!!! bark bark bark - WALLY; STOP BARKING!! bark bark bark bark bark bark! You're going to bark, too? OK, thanks for your help! - QUIET, WALLY! I WAS JUST HAMMERING! bark
dr110102 -- bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark! Good barking, mom! - WALLY, SHUT UP! bark! bark bark! STOP IT!! bark bark bark bark! bark bark bark! Bark louder, kids! We'll chase away that intruder! - KNOCK IT OFF, YOU DUMB DOG! bark bark bark
dr110102 -- bark bark! That's the spirit! Now let's all bark together!! - SHUSH, WALLY!! bark! STUPID DOG! bark bark! QUIET! bark bark! bark bark! ENOUGH ALREADY!! bark bark! YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY!! Keep it up! You're all making me very proud!
dr110103 -- What a night I had down at the lodge, honeybunch! You'll never guess what happened! - You were voted the new Exalted Ruler? How did you know???
dr110104 -- Honeybunch, I am the new exalted ruler of the Polecat Lodge! - But although I have been called to this position of honor, I want you to know one thing... - I will remain the same man I have always been. The same man that you married. - That's
dr110104 -- too bad! It's customary to kneel when addressing the exalted ruler!
dr110105 -- I won the election at the Polecat Lodge! I'm the new exalted ruler! - Congratulations, dad! What are your duties? - I preside over meetings, judge the annual chili cook.off, decide which game we watch on the big screen... - Basically, I get to
dr110105 -- throw my weight around! Now that's a big job!
dr110106 -- Hello. How long is the wait for a table? - 45 minutes. ...Sigh... - Hi! How long is the wait? Right this way, sir! - Sorry, pal! It's just one of the perks of being an exalted ruler!
dr110107 -- Ralph, I know you're proud to be the new exalted ruler at the lodge... - But aren't you embarrassed to walk around the supermarket in your crown and cape? Not at all! - Now I get to use the express line regardless of how many items I have!
dr110108 -- Ralph, I know you're proud to be the new exalted ruler of the lodge... - But feel free to take off your crown once in a while! Maybe tomorrow!
dr110109 -- Hey! Our DVD is breaking up! There must be something on the disc! - What should I do? Take the disc out of the player. - Now what? Blow on it! - poooff! Now wipe it on your shirt. - squeaky squeak! Now blow on the DVD player. - poooof! Now
dr110109 -- tap on the TV screen! - tap tap tap tap And now hop dup and down on one foot. - Does it matter which... OH, YOU'RE A RIOT!!
dr110110 -- Pizza delivery for the exalted ruler! - I didn't order a pizza! - I know. Enjoy! See you tomorrow! - I LOVE being the exalted ruler!!
dr110111 -- No-Neck! Larry! What brings you to the home of the new Exalted Ruler? - Official business, Ralph. The election results are being challenged. - A recount was ordered. A recount?? But I won by 500 votes! - Exactly! There are only 43 members of
dr110111 -- the lodge!
dr110112 -- A RECOUNT?? But I won the election fair and square!! - The absentee ballots aroused suspicion, Ralph! - Some of the signatures are fictions! FACTIOUS?? - RYAN SEACREST IS A REAL PERSON!!
dr110113 -- These ballots are fake! It's clear that you cheated to win the election! - The lodge hereby strips you of the title of exalted ruler! Hand over everything! - Your crown! Your sword! Your sash! Your cape! - Can I keep my "xltd rlr! license
dr110113 -- plate? EVERYTHING!!
dr110114 -- Due to voter fraud, the new exalted ruler will be the runner-up! Who's that?? - Me! STEINBAUER??! - We hereby crown Steinbauer the new exalted ruler! - I guess we'll have to get the crown resized! You must have a huge head, Ralph!
dr110115 -- I have a confession...Ralph didn't fill out the fake ballots. *I* did! - I knew you'd win the election! The only chance I had was to make it look like you cheated! - I'M the one who wrote all those phony names on the absentee ballots! -
dr110115 -- Here's your sword back! You mean Conan O'Brien didn't really vote for me?
dr110116 -- Why are you buying GREEN bananas? - Because they'll last longer! Yeah, but we won't be able to eat them for a few days! - By the time they're ripe, I won't want them anymore! - Here, let's buy some yellow bananas instead! Sigh. - Ralph, do me
dr110116 -- a favor and go to toe cereal aisle and get a box of chocolate chip maple sugar stars! - I f you can't find them, ask somebody! I never ask for help! I'll find them if it takes all day! - There's no such thing as chocolate chip maple sugar
dr110116 -- stars! Hopefully, I'll be done with my shopping by the time he finds out!
dr110117 -- Here's your pie, Ralph! - No thanks, honeybunch! I don't want it anymore! - My eyes are bigger than my stomach! - If that were true, you could see for miles! Hey, is that Catalina??
dr110118 -- Hey! It's snowing outside! - That's not snow... - Our mailbox exploded! I keep telling the letter carrier never to put all the holiday shopping bills in there at once!
dr110119 -- - - Sorry, honeybunch! OK, you're good for another two hours! - This way, instead of apologizing a hundred times a day, I only need to apologize 7 or 8 times!
dr110120 -- Do your pants fit properly? Do you wear cologne? - Is your truck going to leak oil on my driveway? - OK, then...we'll see you on Tuesday! - When choosing a plumber, it's important to ask the right questions!
dr110121 -- WALLY! GET OFF OF THERE! - Why would you DO that?? - Do what? He was sleeping on the clean laundry! - Well, I didn't think she'd want me to sleep on the DIRTY laundry!
dr110122 -- Another cold January morning! - It's cold and dreary outside! - It's a good day for sweatpants! - Come to think of it, EVERY day is a good day for sweatpants!
dr110123 -- Hey, I want to come back inside now! Open the sliding glass door! - It's cold out here in the backyard! Open the door and let me in!! - Look at everyone inside that warm house! What do I have to do to get their attention?? - Do I have to look
dr110123 -- PATHETIC? OK, how's this?? - And how about if I shiver? Will THAT make you open the door?? - I'll look pathetic, shiver, AND sit up and beg! NOW will someone please open the door?! - Wally, you dumb dog! The door's been open the whole time!
dr110123 -- You just have to come over here! Oh, yeah, huh! - ...Sigh... Fortunately, wiener dogs are not easily embarrassed!
dr110124 -- Another boring night in the dorm. - How come none of us ever have dates? I think we're all losers. - Now, now...let's try to be more positive! - OK, I'm POSITIVE we're all losers! Not what I meant!
dr110125 -- Face it, guys, we're the biggest losers in the entire college! - Girls won't even make EYE CONTACT with any of us! So what are we gonna do?? - Son, don't be shy! Let the world know you're there! Don't be afraid to make a fool of yourself! - I
dr110125 -- just remembered some advice my dad gave me right before I got thrown in jail. Oh boy...
dr110126 -- OK, guys, I did a little shopping! Here you go... - One for Leonard, one for Stu, one for Elgin... - What ARE these? Our new costumes! - COSTUMES?? Trust me, we're about to become EX-losers!
dr110127 -- Blue bodysuits? With masks! Let's put 'em on! - We'll wear them to all the basketball games! We'll cheer and act crazy! Everyone will love us! - For the first time in our lives, we'll be the center of attention! - C'mon, guys! There's a game
dr110127 -- tonight! We look like a bunch of giant kumquats! Kumquats aren't blue! No, but they're stupid-looking!
dr110128 -- Arena Gate B Ticket, please...thank you! Enjoy the game! Ticket, please... - My ticket? Let's see...where did I put my ticket? - This skin-tight body-suit doesn't have any pockets! Where could I have possibly... - Oh, yeah...here it is! Just
dr110128 -- keep it!
dr110129 -- Hello? ...oh, hi, Norm! What's up? Dad, do you remember when you told me to be more outgoing? - Yeah. Well, turn on the TV! I'm at the college basketball game, dressed in a blue bodysuit! - We're going to act wild and crazy! OK, but remember:
dr110129 -- I'm now the exalted ruler of the Polecat Lodge... - Don't do anything to make me look silly!
dr110130 -- Honeybunch, what's... For dinner? Spaghetti! - You know, I need to... Talk to me about something? OK, go ahead. - I don't like the way... I finish all your sentences? You're right. That's not very nice. - Why... Do I do it? I'm not sure! But
dr110130 -- I'll try stop doing it. - Good. I'm... Glad we had this conversation? Me too. I'll try harder. - Thank... You? You're welcome! - Why am I not optimistic about this?
dr110131 -- These blue bodysuits were a great idea! Look at all the attention we're getting! - From now on, everyone will know who we are! - That's right, Leonard! I'm Stu! I thought *I* was Stu!
dr110201 -- Our seats are at the very top! How can we entertain the crowd from way up here?? - We could start a wave! Great idea! Let's do it! - OK, PEOPLE! WE'RE GOING TO DO A WAVE! WHEN I COUNT TO 3, EVERYBODY STAND UP AND CHEER! READY? 1...2...3!! -
dr110201 -- WAP! I don't think they want to do a wave!
dr110202 -- One, two, three... - YAAAAYY!! - Look! It worked!! People are on their feet! We started a wave!! - WE'RE NOT LOSERS ANYMORE!! Oops...we kicked over our sodas! What the...
dr110203 -- Look! We finally started a wave! People are on their feet!! Sweet! - Except most waves go around and around the arena. Our wave is going straight down! - We invented the VERTICAL WAVE!! HEY, WHO SPILLED THEIR DRINKS BACK THERE?! MY PURSE IS
dr110203 -- RUINED!! MY NEW SHOES!!
dr110204 -- Here in the arena, the crowd is doing a VERTICAL WAVE started by four blue dudes in the top row! - You idiots! You spilled your drinks all over the place!! Jerks! - My purse is ruined! My new shoes are soaked. LET'S GET 'EM!! YEAH!! - And now
dr110204 -- the blue dudes are being lifted up and tossed around! Clearly, the crowd loves them! That's my boy!
dr110205 -- C'MON! LET'S GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE WE GET KILLED!! - Hey, you blue dudes are the best! Huh?? - How did you get the crowd so ramped? I wish WE could do that! - You're cute!! Are we actually being spoken to by cheerleaders????
dr110206 -- I've got soda and pretzels! - I've got the chips and dip! - And I've got the cheese and crackers! - I've got everything we need to make sandwiches! - I've got the candy and popcorn! - OK! Let's all get comfortable and watch the Super Bowl! -
dr110206 -- I can't see the TV! This must be why people buy big screens!
dr110207 -- You guys really excited the crowd! Who ARE you?? You blue dudes are very mysterious! Wanna hang out with us? Gulp! - COME BACK HERE!! Why did they run away?? I think I'm in love! Let's follow then!!
dr110208 -- Let's get out of these costumes! - I'm not sure if wearing those blue suits to the game was a good idea or a bad idea! - Where did the blue dudes go?? They were awesome! I hope they come to all the games! Wow! Everybody LOVES us!! If I ever
dr110208 -- see those blue idiots again, there's gonna be trouble!
dr110209 -- Look, guys! They're showing clips of the game on TV! - During the game, four fans in blue body suits thrilled the crowd by starting a VERTICAL WAVE! - THAT'S US!! WE'RE THE BLUE DUDES!! Yeah, right! Sure you are! No way. Get lost! Shut up! In
dr110209 -- your dreams!
dr110210 -- SKRAKKK! - tie tie twist tie - My dentist said to use dental floss every day! !
dr110111 -- When I was a kid, I used to HATE rainy days! - I hated not being able to go outside and play! - Something tells me a rainy day doesn't bother kids like it used to! Is it still daytime?
dr110212 -- I hope I never become the oldest person in the world! - How come? - Because it seems like every day, there's an article that the oldest person in the world dies. It must be very stressful!
dr110213 -- I'm starving! Let's pull into a drive-thru up ahead! - Ralph... I'd like a ten-piece box of chicken nuggets... - Ralph. Quiet, honeybunch. It'll be your turn in just a second! - Now, where was I? Oh yeah...and an order of curly fries. - I'm
dr110213 -- sorry. We don't have that! - You don't have CHICKEN NUGGETS and CURLY FRIES?? What kind of place is this?? This is a drive-thru pharmacy! - I know I told you to be quiet, but now I think I'd just like you to laugh at me and get it over with!
dr110214 -- Why did I wait until the last minute?! The valentine cards are all picked over! - Hey, there's a good one! - LET GO! No, YOU let go! I saw it first!! - Any man can BUY his wife a card. I FOUGHT for yours!
dr110215 -- Look, guys! It's those cheerleaders who flirted with us at the basketball game! Let's go talk to them! - Are you kidding?? We're not wearing our blue costumes! They don't know who we are!! - Without the costumes, we're just a bunch of nerds!
dr110215 -- - The correct term is a "School" of nerds! I thought it was a "gaggle" of nerds!
dr110216 -- Those cheerleaders loved us when we wore our blue costumes at the basketball game... - Let's introduce ourselves! No way! Without our costumes, we're just nerds! - Might I remind you that the nerds are the leaders of tomorrow! Good point,
dr110216 -- Elgin! - Let's come back tomorrow!
dr110217 -- - SCOOP! - THUD! - Would you like jelly on that peanut butter sandwich? No thanks, I'm on a diet!
dr110218 -- We've got rabbits in our yard again! - I know how to get rid of them! I'll put some lettuce and carrots out there! - But dad, if you do that, you'll attract every rabbit in the neighborhood! Don't worry... - I'm going to put it in
dr110218 -- Steinbauer's yard!
dr110219 -- Wiener dogs are so funny! FUNNY??! - I resent that remark! Wiener-dogging is serious business! We protect the house and chew up things that need to be chewed up! - We must be constantly alert! Nothing distracts a wiener dog from... - CAT!
dr110220 -- Maybe I'll watch a little TV! - Hmmm...it's on channel 2 right now... - But I want to watch channel 54. - I could walk all the way across the room and get the remote to change channels the easy way... - Or I can just stand here and push the
dr110220 -- "up" button 52 times! - push push push push push push - push push push push SIGH! - Maybe I'll just watch whatever's on channel 18! You are officially the laziest human being on planet earth!
dr110221 -- What in the world... - Look at all these empty ice cream containers! - Neopolitan, Rocky Road, Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough... - So, how's your diet going? It's been much easier than I expected!
dr110222 -- Yes, I'm sticking to my diet just fine, honeybunch... - Look! I'm even drinking a glass of water! - As I drink more water, I find that I no longer crave fattening treats! - Why are there nine empty ice cream cartons in our trash can? SPPFFF!
dr110223 -- I'm very disappointed in you, Ralph! Honeybunch, I have not been cheating on my diet! - I don't know where all these empty ice cream containers came from! - Maybe they just fell out of the sky! - KLUNK!
dr110224 -- STEINBAUER!! What? - Why are you throwing your empty ice cream cartons into MY trash can?? - Because I'm supposed to be on a diet! If my wife sees them, she'll get mad! But now MY wife thinks I'M cheating on MY diet!! - Do you mean to tell me
dr110224 -- that you're afraid of your wife?? No, but...WAIT A MINUTE!
dr110225 -- Come on, Steinbauer! You're going to tell my wife the truth!! - Honeybunch, our next-door neighbor has a confession to make! - Jun, I'm the one who's been putting the empty ice cream cartons in your trash can! - And you expect me to believe
dr110225 -- that? No, but he does! IT'S TRUE!
dr110226 -- Ralph, do you honestly expect me to believe that MR. STEINBAUER put those ice cream cartons in our trash can??? Good grief! - She didn't believe us! Now what should we do? -
dr110227 -- ...sigh... What? - Don't tell me you're going to sit around all day watching bowling on TV again! - What's so bad about that? - You need more exercise! - Maybe she's right! - I'll watch tennis instead!
dr110228 -- Sigh! - Oh, you want me to move out of the way, don't you? - I can tell by that heavy sigh and the look on your face. - Nothing gets by me! Especially in the hallway!
dr110301 -- Ralph, will you please rinse the dishes? ME?? - Yes, you! It's not that complicated! ...Sigh... - Sometimes I wonder if you intentionally do things wrong so I won't ask you again!
dr110302 -- I love putting on these blue suits and going to the basketball games, Leonard! - Yeah, people seem to really like us, too! - Who would've thought that all we had to do to become popular was cover ourselves from head to toe! We should've
dr110302 -- thought of it sooner!
dr110303 -- OK, blue dudes! Let's hold up our signs and cheer on the team! - GO!! WIN - "Not in the shouts and plaudits of the throng, but in ourselves, are triumph and defeat." -Longfellow #1 You put way too much thoughts into your signs, Leonard!
dr110304 -- OK, guys! Let's hold up our signs!! - GO TEAM! WIN! - SCORE! Sorry. I had writer's block!
dr110305 -- That was a great game! The crowd loved us again!! You said it, Norman! - HEY, BLUE DUDES!! WAIT!! - I want a picture!! Wendy??! - I'd love to know who you guys are! No you wouldn't!
dr110306 -- knock knock knock OH NO! THERE'S SOMEONE AT THE DOOR!! - HELP!! WALLY, DO SOMETHING! SOMEONE'S AT THE DOOR!! - WELL?? AREN'T YOU GOING TO BARK?? Excuse me? Aren't you the ones who get upset every time I bark at the door? - You always scold me
dr110306 -- and yell at me to be quiet, and now you WANT me to bark?? - We were wrong, Wally! Please forgive us! We NEED you! Yawn! Very well... - roff roff roff roff roff roff roff! Our hero! - woof woof woof I wonder what dogs dream about?Something
dr110306 -- stupid I'm sure!
dr110307 -- There's a new restaurant in town, honeybunch! Want to go to dinner? - I'd love to! Wait here! I'll go change. - What king of place is it? - I don't know, but kids eat free!
dr110308 -- Hey! It's the blue dudes!! - Can I have your autograph, Mr. Blue Dude? Certainly! - Remember, young man, study hard and get good grades! - For future reference, 'dude' is spelled d-u-d-e!
dr110309 -- OK, blue dudes! Let's show some spirit! - Hey, wait a minute... 1,2,3,4... - We have an extra blue dude! - One of you guys is a FAKE! Gee, I hope it's not me!
dr110310 -- Who ARE you?? You're not one of us!! Can I be a blue dude, too? - No! You can't just show up in a blue outfit and become an official blue dude! No way! Absolutely not!! That's final!! - Please? You guys are cool! - Oh, OK! SLAP! YES!
dr110311 -- I can't believe a stranger joined our "Blue Dude" squad! - Face, it, we've become popular at these games! We've been on TV and in the newspapers! - Heaven only knows who's going to wanna' join us next! DAD?? Hi, Norm! Need another blue dude?
dr110312 -- WHIRRR... - WHIRRR... - WHIRRR! - I sharpened all your pencils for you! And a couple of pens!
dr110313 -- I'm making my favorite sandwich. - Peanut butter and jelly... - topped with potato chips and chocolate chips! - It's a recipe I invented myself! - Who knows, if I keep this up, you may one day see me on the Food Network! - Or on "The Biggest
dr110313 -- Loser". Wait, I forgot the bacon!
dr110314 -- Look, honeybunch! The flowers are starting to bloom... - The trees are getting green again, the sun is getting warmer... - Kids are flying kites and playing baseball! Do you know what that means? - It's time to put away the Christmas music!
dr110314 -- OK, but just until labor day!
dr110315 -- - - CLOMP! - The wiener dog is the natural enemy of the water bottle! crunch crunch!
dr110316 -- Hello. I saw your ad on TV! - I'm calling for a free quote! - OK, thanks. - What did they say? "A fool and his money are soon parted."
dr110317 -- I'm home with dinner! - FAST FOOD? - I thought you said we were going to have IRISH food in honor of St. Patty's Day! We are! - Here's your filet-o-fish!
dr110318 -- I'm telling you, honeybunch, we'll make a fortune... - Every man likes cargo pants! That may be true, Ralph... - But I'm not sure anyone would by a cargo TIE! You sure like to rain on my parade!
dr110319 -- Leave a message at the beep! Sigh... - Hello! Pick up the phone, Dorothy! I know you're there! You're screening your calls, just like I do! - If you don't pick up, I'm going to be very insulted! - It's poetic justice when a call-screener
dr110319 -- becomes the screenEE! OK, I'm starting to get upset!
dr110320 -- I'm always pumped up before one of our games! Me too, Stu! - I always have butterflies before I suit up! - Who would've thought that one day, thousands of adoring basketball fans would actually cheer for us? Amazing! - Let's go, guys! It's
dr110320 -- showtime! - HEY! IT'S THE BLUE DUDES!! Can I have a picture? DE-FENSE! WE'RE #1 - Can I have an Autograph? You guys want free hot dogs?
dr110321 -- THWOK! - There is no such thing as a bad day on the golf course! - CRACK! BONK! CRASH!! OWW!!! - But today deserves honorable mention!
dr110322 -- Don't be afraid! You can do it! - You were born to fly high and straight! Don't ever forget that! - I've heard of a horse whisperer, but I've never heard of a golf ball whisperer! C'mon, baby! I believe in you! Find the fairway!
dr110323 -- Oh, why me?? - As soon as you hit me, I'll be lost forever! No one will ever find me! - And I can't swim, either! - Shut up, you stupid ball! I think this game is finally getting to him!
dr110324 -- There's a big basketball game tonight, honeybunch! - I'm putting on my blue bodysuit so I can join Norm and his fellow blue dudes! - I'm sure the fans will appreciate your support! - They'll also appreciate your decision to wear sweatpants!
dr110324 -- No choice. The costume ripped.
dr110325 -- We seem to be growing in numbers, blue dudes! Let's take roll! Sound off! - Norman! Elgin! Stu! Leonard! - The guy nobody knows! Dad! Blue dudette! - Blue dudette??? No offense, but I'm going to sit over there!
dr110326 -- Here's an idea, Norm...when the other team has the ball, let's all shout "Air ball! Air ball!" Good idea, dad! - AIR BALL! AIR BALL! AIR BALL! AIR BALL! - WAP! I think we're getting to them!
dr110327 -- Hop in the car, Patrick! It's time to go to school! - Mom, I don't feel well. I think I should stay home today! - You don't have a temperature... - What are your symptoms? - Well...I'm not really sure. I just feel like I shouldn't go! - Nice
dr110327 -- try, Patrick, but you're not getting out of going to school! - I'M NOT TRYING TO GET OUT OF GOING TO SCHOOL!... - I was trying to get out of dad's day to drive the carpool! So, who wants to hear my Johnny Cash impression again?
dr110328 -- CHOP! - Hitting golf balls is a great way to take out my frustrations! - What makes you frustrated? Hitting golf balls! CHOP!
dr110329 -- Ralph! Guess what! What?! - My mother is coming over tonight! - That news wasn't deserving of a "GUESS WHAT"! "Guess what" should only precede GOOD news! - So what should I have said? "Sit down. I have something very bad to tell you..."
dr110330 -- - - What do I have to do to get noticed around here?? I'd like to enjoy my pork rinds in peace!
dr110331 -- Forget it, Wally. Staring at me with those big, sad eyes won't make me share my pretzels! - Cocking your head real cute like that won't work, either! - Oh, for cryin' out loud! Here! - Dogs practice this stuff when you people aren't home!
dr110401 -- Look, Wendy... - My shoelace is untied! - HAW HAW! SLAP! - Wait! That's not how it goes, is it? Happy april fools' day to you too, Norman!
dr110402 -- I'm thirsty! There's a water fountain up ahead! - SLURP SLURP - They don't build them as high as they used to! That one is for dogs, Watson!
dr110403 -- text text text text! text text text send! text text text! text text text! I miss the good old days when baseball players SPIT and SCRATCHED between pitches!
dr110404 -- zzyzx! - - ! - skattle skattle skattle - skattle skattle - CRUNCH CRUNCH skattle skattle How is it even possible to hear a potato chip fall on the carpet?
dr110405 -- Dad, how come you never use this really cool cell phone we bought you? - It does so many fun things! - I can't figure out how to turn it on. - Youth is wasted on the young, but really cool cell phones are wasted on the old!
dr110406 -- - Sweatpants with suspenders?? - The kids took my drawstring! Can you hear me now?
dr110407 -- I still believe that somewhere out there is the girl who's perfect for me! - But there are seven billion people! What are the odds that I will ever meet her? - If I ever meet her, I sure hope I make a good first impression! - BUMP! Oh, excuse
dr110407 -- me! HEY, WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING!
dr110408 -- I believe that somewhere out there is a girl who's a perfect match for me! - But where would I ever find someone that I have things in common with?? - BUMP! - You again??! Pardon me. I was daydreaming about my pet duck!
dr110409 -- It would be so nice to meet a girl who had lots of things in common with me... - WHOA!! - I'm sorry! I tripped! - I can't seem to keep my shoelaces tied! You know, you're starting to get on my nerves!
dr110410 -- No, you would NOT look good with tattoos, and quit using up all of our sticky notes!
dr110411 -- It's not every day that we go to a fancy banquet, honeybunch! Yes, I'm excited! - How do you like my tie and jacket? Nice! - Although I'm not sure they go with your sweatpants! Who cares? I'll be sitting down!
dr110412 -- - Incoming pork rind! chip! - - Nice catch, dad! Munch munch! When kids ask what my family does for fun, I tell them we play video games!
dr110413 -- Men - WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP RRRRRR RRRRRR BEEP BEEP HONK HONK WOO WOO WOO WOO AH-OO-GA AH-OO-GA WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP - Zip! - You have an alarm that sounds when your barn door is open?? Yeah. It saves me a lot of embarrassment!
dr110414 -- Look, Ralph! We got a wedding invitation from our second-cousin's step niece! - They've enclosed an R.S.V.P. card... - We can check "accept with pleasure" or "decline with regret". - Are those our only choices? What if I want to DECLINE with
dr110414 -- pleasure??
dr110415 -- Bank - Why did you come to THIS window? You're supposed to wait for the next available teller! Oh. - I thought it meant YOU were the next available teller.
dr110416 -- ...Sigh... - - I hate windy days.
dr110417 -- Golf Lessons THWAK! - DANG! I sliced it AGAIN! Don't worry, Mr. Drabble! - I just recorder your swing! - I'll watch it in slow motion, and see if my trained eye can detect any subtle flaws in your swing! - - - BA HA HA HA HA! - HEY, GUYS!
dr110417 -- TAKE A LOOK AT THIS!! I think he detected something!
dr110418 -- It's been boring around here since basketball season ended! - I miss putting on our "blue dude" suits and leading the cheers! - We could cheer for other sports besides basketball, you know! Like what?? - I didn't even know we HAD a chess
dr110418 -- team! Watch that Knight! d4!
dr110419 -- Blue duded! Where are you going? Basketball season is over! - This college has other teams who need our support, too, you know! - Although it's not quite the same! QUIET! HUSH! SHHH! ZIP IT!
dr110420 -- Hey! It's the unknown blue dude! And the blue dudette! - Now that basketball season is over, we didn't know if we'd see you again! We're glad you came! - Maybe one of you can explain lacrosse to us! What's Going On? Which Team Are We? I don't
dr110420 -- get it! What are the rules?
dr110421 -- Hey, batter batter! SWING! Go Girls! - CRACK! Uh-oh... - BONK! - Whoever named it "SOFTball" got it very wrong!
dr110422 -- I take exception to your point of view! - YAY!!! YA-HOO! clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap! - Go Debate Him! GOOD POINT! Way to Counter his Ad Hominem attack! WELL SAID! I really miss basketball season!
dr110423 -- Honeybunch, I want you to know that I haven't forgotten that you asked me to take out the trash. - I just forgot it for a little while! - But I won't forget again because I remember! - ...Sigh...
dr110424 -- I TOLD you easter came a lot later this year! When you're all done finding your eggs, will you kids help me trim the tree?
dr110425 -- By the way, Norman... - Thank you for being you! - It's a lousy job, but SOMEBODY'S gotta do it! Some days are certainly better than others!
dr110426 -- Hello, hey-knock-it-off-you-dumb-cat! - pick pick claw shred I keep telling you, that's not my name! Better tell HIM! HEY, KNOCK IT OFF, YOU DUMB CAT!
dr110427 -- Get off me, you stupid cat! purrrrrr... - LET GO OFF MY SHIRT! - - RIP! - Have I ever mentioned that I'm not a cat person? Well, nobody's purrrrfect!
dr110428 -- I don't really mind that you always sit on me when I'm trying to take a nap... - And I don't really mind that you shed hair all over me... - I don't even mind that you claw my shirt! claw claw pick pick - I just wish you wouldn't DROOL!
dr110428 -- purrrrr
dr110429 -- KNOCK KNOCK ...Sigh... - Hello, sir! would you like to buy a coupon book? - Uh...no. OK. Have a nice day! - ?
dr110430 -- Sometimes I think I'm just too old to figure out the computer. - BLINK! Uh-ho...a warning just popped up. - It says, "you are now operating on reserve power." - You're telling ME!
dr110501 -- THWAK! - SPLASH! - THWAK! - CRACK! - THWAK! - bonk! OWW! ** - THWAK! - - The best tee shots are the ones where you don't hear a noise at the other end!
dr110502 -- I should be on "Dancing With The Stars". - I firmly believe that inside of me is a great dancer! - Good thing there's a lot of room in there! I guess that explains all the noise his stomach makes!
dr110503 -- Ralph, I need to warn you... - The doctor said this medication could cause me to become mildly irritable. - That's OK, honeybunch! smack! - Thanks for being so supportive! Mildly irritable would be an improvement.
dr110504 -- May I take your order, please? - Let's see...I'd like a... - GAAAAHHH!! - Sorry. We now have to post the calories on the menu board! ARE YOU TRYING TO GIVE ME A HEART ATTACK?!
dr110505 -- I'm sorry for the shock, Sir... - By law, we now have to post the calories of each of our menu items! - Hey, I believe in a healthy lifestyle as much as the next guy... - Well, maybe I don't.
dr110506 -- Sir, I know it's uncomfortable to see the calories posted on the menu... - But remember, you can alter your order! You can hold the cheese or the bacon or the sauce or the fries... - Good idea! OK, hold the lettuce! - That only saves you 2
dr110506 -- calories! ...and don't wrap the burger in paper because sometimes I accidentally eat some of it!
dr110507 -- Why did you have to start posting the calories on the menu board?? - If I jog home and play tennis for 3 hours, I can almost justify having the #5 combo! - Or you could just do without the fries and milkshake. AH HA! - You're funny!
dr110508 -- THWAK! - DANG! I'm short of the green AGAIN!! - Something must be wrong with my swing! - It might not be your swing, dad. I suspect you could have a problem with your vision! - What makes you suspect that? - Did you look in the mirror when
dr110508 -- you got dressed?
dr110509 -- Congratulate me, honeybunch! I finally achieved my goal! - My waist size is now a smaller number than my age! - Congratulations, Ralph! - And happy birthday! Thanks!
dr110510 -- You pathetic cat! - You stare out the window, waiting for honeybunch to come home because she's the one who feeds you! - Come to think of it, it IS getting pretty close to dinnertime! -
dr110511 -- Are you going to play golf today, dad? Yup! - It's a "best-ball" tournament! - You could be in trouble! These are some of the oldest golf balls I've ever seen!
dr110512 -- I am not overweight. I'm in perfect shape... - I am not overweight. I'm in perfect shape! - Who need exercise? It's all an issue of mind over matter! - Looks more like an issue of STOMACH over BELT!
dr110513 -- text text text - * - text text text text - When I was a kid, we just used our fingers to give the signs!
dr110514 -- I'm going to take Wally to the park! - Come on, Wally! Let's go get into the car! CAR?? Don't DRIVE the dog to the park! - The interior will get covered with hair! - Wally doesn't shed that much! I was talking about you!
dr110515 -- - - - Why does this stupid cat always sit on my stomach whenever I lie down on the couch??! - Cats like to sit way up high! Your stomach is obviously very soft. It's very big, too! Maybe she likes all the sounds it makes! - Why can't I ask a
dr110515 -- rhetorical question without everyone trying to answer it? - Because we like to be helpful! Who knows? What else do we have to do right now? It's probably just coincidental! SIGH...
dr110516 -- Leonard, Stu, Elgin...remember when we wore our blue-dude suits to the basketball game and some lady took our picture? Yeah. - She sent an email! She's a photographer for SPORTS ILLUMINATED magazine! - And guess what!!! - They're making
dr110516 -- another 'Star Trek' movie? Weird Al has a new CD?? McRibs are back?? Never ask a nerd to guess what.
dr110517 -- The blue dudes are going to be on the cover of SPORTS ILLUMINATED magazine? WHAT? We are??!! - Why?? The cover is a collage of crazy sports fans from across the country! - They sent us a mock.up! Look! - There we are, down in the corner!!
dr110517 -- WOW!
dr110518 -- When does the new SPORTS ILLUMINATED come out? Friday! I can't believe we made the cover! Millions of people will see us! - THIS IS THE MOST EXCITING DAY OF MY LIFE!! WE'RE GONNA BE FAMOUS!! - Except we were wearing our blue-dude suits! No
dr110518 -- one can see our faces! No one knows it's us! We can't tell anyone, and if we did, no one would believe us! - Other than that, it's kind of cool, I suppose. This is the worst day of my life!
dr110519 -- It doesn't matter that no one will know it's us on that magazine cover... - WE'LL know it's us in those blue suits, and we'll always know we're not losers anymore! - You have to be a WINNER to meet the coder of a sports magazine! We'll never
dr110519 -- be nerds again!! - Today it's the cover of SPORTS ILLUMINATED! Tomorrow, who knows?! Hopefully, the cover of LEGO SCULPTOR'S DIGEST!
dr110520 -- There it is! The new issue of SPORTS ILLUMINATED has hit the stands! - WE'RE FAMOUS! LET ME SEE! LET ME SEE!! - Where are we? In the lower-right corner! - Right behind the stupid BAR CODE! AAUGH!!
dr110521 -- So we didn't make the cover of Sports Illuminated after all! They covered us with the stupid bar code! - At least we avoided the CURSE! Those who make the cover often meet with misfortune! - SPLOOSH! - Actually, you can still see part of
dr110521 -- Norm's elbow!
dr110522 -- Ralph, are you going to spend the entire day lounging around? - For your information, I'm not "lounging around." I'm getting in shape! - The human body can burn 90 calories per hour while asleep! - I may LOOK like a lazy bum, but I'm actually
dr110522 -- hard at work! - My mistake. That's OK. Most people don't understand the science of weight loss! - No, I meant my mistake for marrying such a lout! I had a big lunch. I may be here for a while!
dr110523 -- You're eating a can of CAKE FROSTING??! - Shame on you, Ralph! - You're supposed to be on a diet! - You don't see me eating the CAKE, do you?!
dr110524 -- They say the supermarket is a great place to meet girls! - If I ever meet the perfect girl, I sure hope I say the right things! - 12 Items Or Less - YOU'VE GOT MORE THAN 12 ITEMS IN THERE!
dr110525 -- BEEEP! - Dad, the light is still red! Why did you honk at the car in front of us?? - Because when this light turns green, it doesn't last long! If he's not alert, we'll miss it! - You honk BEFORE it turns green??! BEEEP BEEEEP! It's called
dr110525 -- "preemptive honking"!
dr110526 -- Wally, calm down! tug tug tug! - I know you're excited to take a walk, but I can't find your harness! tug tug tug! - Oh well...it's hard to reason with an impatient wiener dog!
dr110527 -- squeak squeak squeak squeaky squeak! What? You want me to play ball with you? - No you don't. As soon as I reach for it, you're going to run away with it! - skattle skattle skattle! SEE?? I know how you think! - I've become an expert on
dr110527 -- wiener-doggery!
dr110528 -- Yawn... - Good morning, sunshine! - Nice of you to join us today! - She sure knows how to take the fun out of sleeping in!
dr110529 -- The key to a successful round of golf is to select the right ball. - No! Don't pick me! I don't want to end up at the bottom of a lake!! - Aw, don't be such a scaredy-act! - I think I'll use my 2-wood! No! Use the driver instead! - You're
dr110529 -- going to shank it, blame me, and then wrap me around a tree trunk! - Pipe down, you stupid club! I'm trying to concentrate! Please use the driver! I can't swim! - ALL RIGHT, LISTEN, YOU GUYS... This could be a bad omen! Dad doesn't usually
dr110529 -- start arguing with his equipment until the back nine!
dr110530 -- ...Sigh... - I'm like a car at an expired parking meter... - Just waiting to be towed away at the owner's expense... - ...to the junkyard of broken dreams. Men of a certain age should avoid mirrors!
dr110531 -- - - It's not every guy who gets greeted at the door by his pet duck! That's probably not something I'd brag about!
dr110601 -- Ah-ha! I've found your hiding place! - So THIS is where all you water bottles aggregate! - crunch crunch crunch Some dogs get into the garbage. Our dog gets into the recycle bin!
dr110602 -- Dang! That's not right, either! - I always do the crossword puzzle in pencil so I can erase my mistakes! scrub scrub scrub - erase erase erase scrub scrub - Game over.
dr110603 -- Looking at that ma in the mirror can be very depressing! - The view isn't exactly breathtaking from this side, either!
dr110604 -- - Ralph, the bites you take are always too big! - No they're not! - This is the size my mouth is!
dr110605 -- WHIRRRR! I'm almost done peeling the carrots, honeybunch! This is almost as bad as the time he sliced tomatoes with the ceiling fan!
dr110606 -- Who was Millard Fillmore's vice president? I forget. - Way to go! SLAP! What's going on? - I filled my brain to capacity last semester, so I have to try to forget as much as possible before next semester! - How big is Lake Huron? I forget.
dr110606 -- Sweet! I'm on a roll!
dr110607 -- ...Sigh... - Sometimes I think the odds are against me! - I've got news for you... - the EVENTS are against you, too!
dr110608 -- WHOOSH! - WHOOSH! - WHOOSH! - OK, the pool is inflated! I always knew you were mostly hot air!
dr110609 -- We took our deranged cat to the cat groomer. - Look at these BEFORE and AFTER pictures! They're hysterical! - The poor thing! - These are pictures of the GROOMER! - Yeah! Look at all the bandages in the AFTER picture!
dr110610 -- I never realized how big your nose is! - I mean, not that it's TOO big! It fits your head perfectly! - I mean, not that you have a big head! I goes just right with the rest of your body! - I mean, not that... Go outside and play, Norm!
dr110611 -- I'd like my burger medium-rare. - Rare in the middle, but slightly well-done around the edges! - Here. - Close enough. Wait a minute...that might be a hot dog!
dr110612 -- For all the years we've lived in this house, I always wished we had a laundry chute! - I hate lugging this heavy hamper downstairs on wash day! - But then I finally realized...I don't have to lug it all the way downstairs! - I can just dump
dr110612 -- all the clothes over the bannister! - I wish I had thought of that years ago! - I'm glad she didn't!
dr110613 -- Dad, I got a summer job! That's my boy!! - How much does it pay, son? - Actually, nothing. - But I only have to work for 2 minutes each night! Correction: he's YOUR boy!
dr110614 -- Dad, I'm in show business! I'm going to be in the "Pageant of the Painters". What's that? - It's a show where great works of art are recreated on stage using actors! - I'm going to play George Washington crossing the Delaware! - All I have to
dr110614 -- do is stand perfectly still like this for two minutes! You've always had a talent for standing around doing nothing!
dr110615 -- Dad, I need to rehearse for my part in the "Pageant of the Painters". - I'll be playing George Washington crossing the Delaware! - I have to hold this pose for two minutes! Time me! Go! - OK, that's enough! I'm tired. How long was that? Four
dr110615 -- seconds.
dr110616 -- Son, normally I'd think a job where all you have to do is stand still and do nothing would be right up your alley. - But I'm a little worried about it! - Relax, dad! What could possibly go wring? Well... - Hold that thought! I suddenly have
dr110616 -- to go to the bathroom!
dr110617 -- This show is great! I can't believe how they depict famous works of art using live models! - The costumes and makeup are amazing! How do they stand still for so long? - I can't wait to see Norman on stage! I'm just afraid he's going to mess
dr110617 -- it all up somehow! - You need to show more confidence in your son! OK, I'm CONFIDENT he's going to mess it all up somehow!
dr110618 -- "Washington crosses the Delaware" will be the next painting after the intermission! - I can't believe Norman is actually going to be onstage! - He'll do great! Nothing can go wrong! I have complete confidence in him! Me too! - But I'd better
dr110618 -- go backstage and remind him anyway! Good idea!
dr110619 -- World's Greatest Dad. One Of The Best Dads We Happen To Be Aware Of. At least *I* raised my kids not to exaggerate!
dr110620 -- Dad! What are you doing backstage?? - I go on in just a few minutes! I came to give you a pep talk, son! Don't be nervous? - I'm not nervous! HOW CAN YOU NOT Be NERVOUS?? - YOU'RE ABOUT TO GO ONSTAGE IN FRONT OF THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE WHO ARE
dr110620 -- JUST WAITING FOR SOMETHING TO GO WRONG!! This is a pep talk??
dr110621 -- Dad, I'm performing a living depiction of "Washington Crossing the Delaware"... - Don't worry about me! All I have to do is stand perfectly still for two minutes! - Why wouldn't I be able to stand still for that long?? - After I finish my
dr110621 -- big-swig, I'll be ready to go!
dr110622 -- Dad, there's no need to worry about me! I'll only be on stage for 2 minutes! - All I have to do is stand perfectly still! What could possibly go wrong? - ACHOO! - Darned allergies!
dr110623 -- And now we present..."Washington Crossing the Delaware". The curtain is rising! - There's Norman! - I sure hop he can stand still for the whole two minutes! - WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T THINK ABOUT YOUR NOSE ITCHING!
dr110624 -- I can't believe that's our son on-stage! - * - Hello? - Now I believe it!
dr110625 -- So much for my acting career! - All I had to do was stand still for 2 minutes, and I blew it! - What would posses you to answer your cell phone onstage? - Well, I don't get many calls! Leave it to you to get fired from a VOLUNTEER job!
dr110626 -- beep beep boop! - Oops! I just dialed a wrong number! - I hate it when I do that! - Now the person I dialed is going to call me back and ask why I called! I'll be so embarrassed! - * See? - Hello? ...oh, yes, I can explain... - My husband
dr110626 -- just borrowed my phone, and he must have dialed the wrong number. He's hopeless! Bye! - Sorry about that! - I knew I'd come in handy someday!
dr110627 -- Look! An abandoned backpack! - Why would someone leave their backpack unattended? Maybe they forgot it! - Let's go notify security. Good idea! - It's official: I'm invisible to women!
dr110628 -- beep! boop! beep! beep! - beep boop beep beep beep boop boop beep beep - CLAP CLAP clap clap clap clap CLAP CLAP Apparently, that took me longer than I thought!
dr110629 -- Good! There's no line at the drive-thru ATM! - beep boop beepity beep boop beep! - SNAP! - My wife has become so adept, she can get the money without even stopping the car!
dr110630 -- What you pet hears when you talk to it... - Yadda yadda yadda yadda - What your husband hears when you talk to it... Yadda yadda yadda yadda
dr110701 -- So what's wrong with me? - Was I doing something incorrectly? - I'm a nice guy! - WHY WOULD SOMEONE "UNFRIEND" ME??!
dr110702 -- Hello, Ralph. What can I do for you? - You know why I'm here, Steinbauer. - My barking dog? My midnight drum solos? The tools I haven't returned? - WHY DID YOU "UNFRIEND" ME??! Oh, that!
dr110703 -- Who are you calling? Our pets. - You're calling our PETS??? - We're going to be gone all day! Pets get lonely, you know! - I'll leave a message on the answering machine. They'll be reassured to hear the sound of my voice. - Why in the
dr110703 -- world... Hold on... - Hello Oogie, Wally and Bob! This is Mommy! I miss you! Don't worry, we'll be home soon! Bye! *click* - There. They'll appreciate that! - beeep...beeep...beeep... Great. Now we have to listen to the answering machine beep
dr110703 -- all day!
dr110704 -- click click clikkity... - click CLIKKETY CLICK CLICK - IT WORKS! I JUST FOUND 75 CENTS!! HEY, KEEP YOUR HANDS OUT OF MY POCKETS!
dr110705 -- Hey, I recognize you! - You're a regular customer at the donut shop where I work! Which one? - Th one on Ninth Street! Which one on Ninth Street? It's a bad sign when you're a regular customer at more than one donut shop!
dr110706 -- POP! CRACKLE! CREAK! CRUNCH KRINKLE! SNAP! - Wally ! - skattle skattle skattle skattle - No, I'm not playing with an empty water bottle! That was just the sound of me standing up!
dr110707 -- flip flip flip flip... - glug glug glug - We need an end table! No we don't!
dr110708 -- ...and then she said... - * - What was I just talking about? I don't know. - YOU WEREN'T LISTENING TO ME??! Apparently, you weren't, either!
dr110709 -- Hey! Our car didn't say goodbye to us! What? - Every time we get out out of the car, it says goodbye! Oh, yeah! - - BEEP BEEP! That's better!
dr110710 -- Zzyzx! - - Zzyzx! - Zzyzx! - - SQUEAK-EEE! - You dumb dog! Why did you leave your squeaky toy right in front of the refrigerator??!! He didn't. I did!
dr110711 -- squeaky squeak squeak! - nudge nudge - Does this really seem like a good time to play ball, Wally? - I'm kind of busy right now! I'll wait!
dr110712 -- squeak squeak squeaky squeak! What? You want me to play? OK... - Hey! You crazy dog! - You act like you want me to play with you, but when I reach for the ball, you run away! - I know. That's the fun part!
dr110713 -- tippy tippy tippy... - GOTCHA! - Good job! Let's take the to the vet! VET?! - Big mouth! Sorry.
dr110714 -- Look, dad! The freeway is starting to move up ahead! - After crawling along for two hours, traffic is finally breaking up! - Yes, that figures... - Freeway traffic always starts to clear up when you're half a mile from your off-ramp.
dr110715 -- HA! - Hey, Leo! Check out the birthday card this guy bought! - Now I know why it's called a "checkout" line! Hey, what's this? Athlete's foot spray? Leo! Check this out!
dr110716 -- I can't believe it...another big TV star is quitting his show! - Why would anyone want to quit their dream job? - So many people would love to be in his shoes! - Success is wasted on the successful!
dr110717 -- - I love to polish off the last few bites of ice cream in the carton! - That carton was FULL! I know. This is taking a little longer than usual!
dr110718 -- Are you all right, Ralph? puff puff pant - You seem out of breath! I AM out of breath! - The kids are playing with all of it!
dr110719 -- Hand me my driver! - CHOP! DANG! - Maybe you should tee it up higher! Good idea! - Hand me my Louisville slugger!
dr110720 -- Great shot, dad! You're only six feet away! - Yeah, but putting can be very tricky! Fortunately, I've discovered a method to help my putts go straighter! - I didn't know you were allowed to lay the flag pin down right there! Holler if you see
dr110720 -- the course marshal!
dr110721 -- chirp chirp! - Fore!!! - - My bad. send
dr110722 -- kick! - Hey! You can't kick it out of the rough! Add a penalty stroke! - Steinbauer! You're the course marshal?? Just when I thought you couldn't get any more obnoxious! - HEY, YOU JUST RAN OVER MY BALL! No yelling on the course! Add another
dr110722 -- penalty stroke!
dr110723 -- FORE!!! - I'm sorry! That was a really bad shot! - It certainly was! - Where have I seen him before? Where have I seen her before?
dr110724 -- They say that the mall is a great place to meet girls! - I'd sure like to meet the right girl someday. - Someone who would be perfect for me. - I just hope I'll recognize her! It's not like she's going to walk right up and... - Excuse
dr110724 -- me...where is Zundel's Department Store? - What do I look like, an information booth?! - Dang, now I lost my train of thought!
dr110725 -- - - YIPES!! - Sneaking up on a mirror doesn't help!
dr110726 -- Norman, if you ever want to meet the perfect girl, you need to get out there and look! - She's not going to come knocking at your door! - Yeah, maybe it's right! - Oh, sorry! I must have the wrong address!
dr110727 -- Sorry! I must have the wrong address! - Wait! Don't I recognize you?? - Every time I start wishing that I could meet the perfect girl, I bump into YOU! - You do seem strangely familiar! He's strangely everything!
dr110728 -- Anyway, sorry to bother you! - Oh, you have a pet duck? Me too! We have a lot in common! - He isn't a duck! My dad hates ducks! He's a rare south American parrot that takes on the characteristics of a duck for survival in the jungle! - OK,
dr110728 -- maybe we DON'T have that much in common!
dr110729 -- I thought you were going to join the gym! - I did! I signed up yesterday! - So, why are you working out at home? - Because I want to lose weight before they take my membership card picture!
dr110730 -- Wanna play a fun game? - You grab one end of the sock, and I'll hold on to the other, and we'll both pull until someone gets it. - HEY! YOU RAN OFF BEFORE I COULD GRAB IT! - I forgot to explain that part!
dr110731 -- Honeybunch, I may not be the smartest guy in the world... - Or the handsomest... - Or the best dressed... - But I have a very large upside! - - - Not as large as your backside! Thanks for biting your tongue for eleven minutes!
dr110801 -- ...26...27...28...29! - Only 29 days until school starts again! - Patrick is always the most excited person I know for school to start! - 29 days, 15 hours and 6 1/2 minutes! Make that the SECOND most excited!
dr110802 -- I'm going out to look for a summer job! - Summer is already two-thirds over! - No one would hire you for one month! - Why not? I've never had a job for longer than that! Good point.
dr110803 -- Hmmm... - I don't look so bad for a man my age! - Flip! HEY, TURN THAT LIGHT BACK OFF!
dr110804 -- That should do it! - OK, let's try it one more time! - Come on though! - I love my new job as an airport security screener!
dr110805 -- AARRRGHH! Can't lift it? - What's wrong? Don't you have any upper body strength? - Yes! - Unfortunately, most of my upper body has shifted to my lower body!
dr110806 -- I love these self-service ice cream machines! - - - This one can be yours! I prefer to take my own!
dr110807 -- 48... - - 49... - - 50!! - - Next in line, please! puff puff puff - I'll have a double cheeseburger and a chocolate shake! It's been like this ever since they started posting the calories on the menu board!
dr110808 -- I have to mail a wedding gift... - I'll need to get out the packing materials! - ? - Who popped all the bubble wrap?? Let's just say it's been a boring summer!
dr110809 -- I smell pizza! I smell cookies! - Maybe we're having pizza and cookies for dinner! - False alarm. Dad just let the air out of the pool! He should chew gum before he blows it up next time!
dr110810 -- - I LOVE SUMMER!! - So why aren't you doing that OUTSIDE?? - We saw some bees!
dr110811 -- It's nice to have a day off to play in the pool! Daddy, why did you change jobs? - My new job gives me an opportunity to stand out and get noticed! - I'm now a big fish in a small pond! You sure are!
dr110812 -- Here, I got the chili stain out! - Try to see hoe long you can go without spilling food on your shirt again! - Give me some credit! You make it sound like I spill food on myself all the... - Whoops! 4 1/2 seconds!
dr110813 -- Norman, have you finished washing the car yet? - No, I've only put a dent in it! - - PLEAS TELL ME THAT WAS JUST AN EXPRESSION!
dr110814 -- Hey, Norm, here's an easy job for you... - Go out to the car and put this vehicle registration sticker on the license plate! OK. - The REAR license plate. - Just peel off the sticker and put it in the upper-right corner of the rear plate!
dr110814 -- It's very simple! OK. - The upper right corner of the rear plate on OUR CAR!! - OK. And be careful because it's very sticky, and if you put it in the wrong place, it's almost impossible to... - On second thought, I'D better do it! OK. Thanks
dr110814 -- for the vote of competence, though!
dr110815 -- Lemonade $1.00 - Program your Cell Phone $1.00 beep beep beep boop Ask about our senior discount
dr110816 -- VROOM! - ZOOM! - SCREEECH!! - My old car always seems to run better after it's been washed!
dr110817 -- What could be more fun than a day at the amusement park?! - This place is amazing!! - They turn our wildest dreams into reality! That's for sure! - Only in my wildest dreams would I ever pay $89 for one admission ticket!
dr110818 -- Are you sure you don't want to go on the roller coaster with us, dad? I'm sure. - I don't like fast rides. I'll wait here by myself. Don't worry! - Poor dad! We get to have all the fun and he just has to wait for us! - I hope it's a long
dr110818 -- line!
dr110819 -- Dang! - I can't seem to tighten this screw! - Turn clockwise! - I still can't do it!
dr110820 -- Ahh! It's nice to sit in our yard and watch the worlds go by! - The grass is nice and green, isn't it? - That's because I've been watering it a lot! - Maybe a little TOO much! ?
dr110821 -- Hang on, Cheryl...I think I misplaced something! - I had it just a minute ago! - OK, this is driving me crazy! - Where can it be?? - Ralph, have you seen my cell phone? Yes. - Where is it? In you right hand! - - I think I've officially lost
dr110821 -- my mind! You'll need a search party to find that!
dr110822 -- It's sad being at an amusement park all by yourself. I wish I had a girlfriend. - The only advantage is that I can use the 'Singlerider' lines, which are much shorter. - The problem is, you never know who you'll have to sit next to! - It's
dr110822 -- HIM again! It's HER again!
dr110823 -- Hey, I recognize you... - Every time I wish I could meet the perfect girl for me, I bump into YOU! And you're always rude to me! - I am not! You are, too! - You're a rude dude! I hope this is a short ride!
dr110824 -- It's true! Every time I wish I could meet the perfect girl, I bump into YOU! - Yeah, you're the guy with the pet duck! - When you bump into me, why aren't you ever nice about it? I'M ALWAYS NICE! - You must have me confused with some other
dr110824 -- extremely handsome man with a pet duck!
dr110825 -- How come every time I wish I could meet the perfect girl, I bump into YOU?? - What's your name, anyway? - My name is Norma. NORMA?? What kind of name is NORMA?? - It means "the perfect girl". Oh, it does not-hey, it DOES!
dr110826 -- It's so weird...whenever I wish I could meet the perfect girl, I always bump into YOU! And you're always rude! - Now you tell me that your name is NORMA, which means "the perfect girl". - That might explain why YOU keep bumping into ME, but
dr110826 -- why do *I* keep bumping into YOU?? - It's not like I've been wishing to meet a rude lunkhead!
dr110827 -- Your name might mean, 'the perfect girl', but you're not very perfect! NEITHER ARE YOU! - Thank goodness this ride is almost over! I can't wait for it to end! - At last! The final plunge! IT'S ABOUT TIME! - Attention passengers: The ride has
dr110827 -- temporarily stopped. Please remain seated! NOOOO!
dr110828 -- Which direction is the wind blowing? In your case, it really doesn't matter. - I need to work on my slice! Your slice is fine. You need to work on hitting it straight! - It's about 200 yards. Do you think I should lay-up or go for it? I think
dr110828 -- you should aim for the cart path and pray for a good bounce! - What would you recommend, a five-iron or a hybrid? I'd recommend lessons. - Here, let me carry the clubs for a while! - SHOVE! SPLOOSH! - A knowledgeable caddy is hard to find,
dr110828 -- especially after you throw him in the lake.
dr110829 -- Please remain seated. The ride has stopped temporarily! - Great. - What could be worse than being stuck on a ride 50 feet off the ground? - Being stuck on a ride 50 feet off the ground with YOU! - IT WAS A RHETORICAL QUESTION!
dr110830 -- As long as we're stranded up here, you might as well tell me your name! Norman. - Really?? What a coincidence! My name's Norma! You told me, Norma means "The Perfect Girl." - Hey, does that mean NORMAN means "The Perfect Guy"? Let's see! -
dr110830 -- Nope. It means "Nerd from the North." Dang!
dr110831 -- Tell me something about yourself, Norman! - I'm afraid of wax museums. I AM TOO! - I've never met anyone else who was afraid of wax museums! - I thought I was the only one! Maybe we should get together sometime and not go to one!
dr110901 -- So, tell me something interesting about yourself! - I'm ambidextrous. I can write with either hand. - ME TOO! - Although I write way better with my right hand than with my left! I DO TOO!
dr110902 -- When you get two flavors of frozen yogurt, do you like them swirled or side by side? - Side by side! ME TOO! - What's your favorite household utility? - Trash pickup! ME TOO!
dr110903 -- What's your favorite TV show? I like reruns of "Wheel of Fortune" because I know who's going to win, so I don't get so stressed out! - Me too! It's amazing how much we have in common! I know! - Please remain seated. The ride will now
dr110903 -- continue. - Gee, Norma! Maybe you ARE the perfect girl!
dr110904 -- - - YAAAAAHH!!! - SWISH! - pippity pippity pop! pip pip! poppity pop! - Why can't you make things out of blocks, like other kids?
dr110905 -- Dogs are smarter than cats! - The average dog recognizes 165 words. The average cat only recognizes about 35! - Actually, cats recognize way more than that. - We just don't care!
dr110906 -- Just when I think the world is going to heck... - Something happens to restore my faith in the goodness of people! What happened? - Every person that I came in contact with today offered me a breath mint! - PEOPLE ARE SO GENEROUS!! Care for
dr110906 -- a mint?
dr110907 -- WE'RE HOME! Wally - You're home! You're home! You're home! - Oh boy! - They were GONE??
dr110908 -- Darn! My favorite team is officially out of the pennant race! - I feel empty inside! - You don't LOOK empty inside! - If cats could talk, we'd need way more than nine lives!
dr110909 -- What are you doing, Penny? - I'm making a mother's day card for mom! - This is September. Mother's day is in may! - Nobody likes people who flaunt their knowledge!
dr110910 -- He's home! - He's home! He's home! - Oh boy! Oh boy! He's finally home! - I only went to get the mail! It seemed like an eternity!
dr110911 -- Claw City Kitty Corner Cat Land claw claw pick pick shred rip rip claw! I guess if I had all those expensive toys, I wouldn't want to wreck them, either! Someone should invent a scratching post that looks just like our couch!
dr110912 -- SLAM! I hate school! - My teacher is mean and she makes us do WORK and stuff! - It's dull and boring and hard and miserable! Every second is pure torture! - Aside from that, is it OK? Don't get me started!
dr110913 -- Darn! Back-to-school night for Patrick and Penny falls on the same night at the same time! - Which one should I go to? - HIS! HERS! I wish there were more of me to go around! If there were any more of him NOBODY'D be able to go around!
dr110914 -- Welcome to back-to-school night, parents! - Miss Lewis! Miss Lewis! Yes, Mr. Drabble? - Can I go to the bathroom? Yes, you may. - But come right back, and don't stop to hit the thetherball! Aww!
dr110915 -- ...and on the wall, you can see your children's artwork on display! - Where's Penny's picture? Oh, there it is! - You can always tell whose mommy helps with the homework! Sorry. I got carried away!
dr110916 -- Thank you for coming. That concludes back-to-school night! - Good! These little desks are very uncomfortable! - Please need the furniture here, Mr. Drabble! I'll need a crowbar!
dr110917 -- Ralph! Why are you eating an ice cream sandwich?! - Because you put a box of them in the refrigerator! - But dinner is in TEN MINUTES! - That's why I'm only having ONE!
dr110918 -- Dad, how many clubs are you allowed to carry in your golf bag? Only 14. - So I make sure to carry only the ones I need the most! - So what if they're a little mismatched!
dr110919 -- * * ** * * Uh-oh...honeybunch is playing the piano again! - She's very sensitive about her musical ability. She needs encouragement! - You're really improving on the piano, honeybunch! - * * * * *
dr110920 -- Sniff! - hammer hammer! - LOST TV CLICKER Owner Is Heartbroken! 555-1867 - If only he'd come when I call him! What, no reward?
dr110921 -- KNOCK IT OFF, YOU STUPID CAT! pick claw shred! - GET OFF THE CURTAINS! - YOU DUMB CAT! - How were things around the house today? Catastrophic.
dr110922 -- ...a brood of chickens, a band of gorillas, a school of fish, a herd of elephants... - What do you call a group of dogs? A pack. - skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle How about a group of WIENER dogs? A party pack!
dr110923 -- It's the first day of autumn! - Let's buy a pumpkin! Let's jump in some leaves! Let's cook a turkey! - Autumn is my favorite season!! - Last June you said SUMMER was your favorite season! I was just a kid back then! What did I know?!
dr110924 -- What's everyone's favorite kind of food? Mexican! Italian! Chinese! - How about you, dad? What's your favorite kind of food? State fair. - Sate fair food? I can still taste those deep fried twinkies!
dr110925 -- Buffet ...Sigh... - Hey, no leapfrogging in the buffet line! - Why not? I only want a cucumber! - Wait your turn! - But if YOU want a little bit of everything, and *I* only want a cucumber, why should *I* have to wait behind YOU?? - Because
dr110925 -- it's buffet etiquette! Cut him some slack, dad... - Few human beings have had as much buffet experience as you! GET BACK IN LINE!!
dr110926 -- Good heavens! - I've never seen so many leaves coming down at one time since........ - Ralph, did you just jump into a big pile of leaves again? That was fun!
dr110927 -- Norman, you just don't get it, do you? - You always fail to grasp the concept. - You just don't get it, and you never will get it! - And your point is...`
dr110928 -- And now for some jumping jacks. - ONE...TWO...THREE... - FOUR...FIVE...SIX... - When it's autumn, I probably shouldn't do jumping jacks near trees.
dr110929 -- Norman, I thought of a new nickname for you... - "TURKEY BURGER" - From now on, whenever you do something stupid, I'm going to say, "what a turkey burger!" - Go ahead! Do something stupid! I can't be stupid on command! I need to warm up first!
dr110930 -- rake rake rake rake - - ASHOO! -
dr111001 -- - - - How do you take a picture with this phone??
dr111002 -- biddle dee bump! biddle dee bump! - - - - - Close enough! Dad, you need to give the freezer pops time to FREEZE. He's not the most patient man on earth!
dr111003 -- It's early October. The leaves are falling, and pumpkins are appearing. Do you know what that means, kids? - It's time to start untangling the Christmas lights! This might take until January!
dr111004 -- - - SPLASH - You guys are a riot!
dr111005 -- Crud! It's my turn to referee the soccer game! Don't let the parents give you any guff! - I never do. - Just putting on the outfit makes me cranky!
dr111006 -- shuka shuka shuka - shuka shuka shuka shuka shuka shuka shuka shuka shuka shuka shuka shuka shuka shuka - Isn't the ball a little big, ref? My eyes aren't what they used to be!
dr111007 -- - TWEET! TWEET! TWEET! TWEET! TWEET! TWEET! - TWEET! TWEET! TWEET! TWEET! TWEET! TWEET! - Sorry! (Pant! Pant!) I shouldn't run with the (Pant! Pant!) whistle in my mouth!
dr111008 -- I think I did a good job as referee of the soccer game! - No bad calls, no arguments, no red cards... - I only had to eject one loudmouth parent! - So, where did you go for the rest of the game, honeybunch? None of your business!
dr111009 -- Sit up. Wally! - - Roll over! - - Shake! RARFF! - What's with you? You're not doing what I ask! How come you're not following orders?? - Ralph, I asked you to fix the garbage disposal, not play with the dog! Oh, yeah, huh! I learned from the
dr111009 -- master!
dr111010 -- - Whimper! - I thought I'd run HIS dinner for a change! It's not working!
dr111011 -- - - - A watched potato chip never drops!
dr111012 -- I'll never forget the time 16 years ago when you left a pack of gum in your shirt pocket! - It went through the wash and ruined everything! - Even now, when all is said and done, I'm still upset about it! - It may be all done, but it's never
dr111012 -- all said!
dr111013 -- Ralph, I've solved our Halloween candy problem... - I bought candy that you don't like! Now you won't be tempted to eat it before the trick-or-treaters get here! - Candy corn?? Yuck! Thank goodness there's something you don't like! - It's
dr111013 -- amazing how quickly one can acquire a taste for things!
dr111014 -- Candy for the rick-or-treaters! - Ralph, it's bad enough that you always eat the candy before Halloween... - Now you're eating it all before we even get to the checkstand! I'll go get another bag or two!
dr111015 -- You put the "Norm" in ABNORMAL! You put the "Path" in PATHETIC! - You put the "Eek" in GEEK! You put the "ick" in HICK! - Last summer, I met a girl named Norma, and I just realized that she's much nicer to me than you are! - So, bye! - Come
dr111015 -- back here! I was just getting warmed up!
dr111016 -- rake rake rake - rake rake rake rake - - - - KER-SPLOOSH! - Dad always makes quite a splash! Ow. Even without water!
dr111017 -- Hello, Norman. I'm going to the library, in case you want to follow me around. - Perhaps you've forgotten what I told you last week, Wendy... - I met a girl named Norma who is much nicer to me than you are, so I'd prefer to spend my time with
dr111017 -- her. - Unfortunately, I forgot to get Norma's phone number, and I haven't seen her since!
dr111018 -- Dad, I need a little fatherly advice. Hold on, Norm! Let me put on my fatherly advice outfit... - OK, shoot! Last summer, I met the perfect girl. Her name is Norma, but now I don't know what to do! - Call her! That's the problem! I forgot to
dr111018 -- get her phone number! - WHAT A LUNKHEAD! Give me a break! I'm new at this "having a girl actually like me" stuff!
dr111019 -- Everywhere I'd go, I'd accidentally bump into the same girl. - I finally met her and realized she was the perfect girl, but I forgot to get her phone number! - I haven't bumped into her since, and I have no idea how to find her again! - Why
dr111019 -- can I never accidentally bump into someone on purpose??!
dr111020 -- Norma used to bump into me everywhere I went! - I'd be minding my own business, and all of a sudden, WHAM! I'd look up and there she'd be! - WHAM! - Sorry, dude! You're not even close!
dr111021 -- Why can't I bump into Norma again?? Where could she be?? - Let's see...what do I know about her? She's nice...she has a pet duck... - THAT'S IT!! MAYBE I'LL FIND HER AT THE DUCK SUPPLY SUPERSTORE!! - EXCUSE ME! bump! I'M IN A BIG HURRY!!
dr111022 -- Norma!! I haven't seen you since last summer! I was afraid we'd never bump into each other again! - I can't believe I never even got your phone number! How stupid could I have possibly been?? - OK, bye! - Dang!
dr111023 -- It's weird, Norma...we met each other only a few weeks ago, but I feel like I've known you for a long time! - BUMP - I have a feeling we may have bumped into each other a time or two over the years!
dr111024 -- ...Sigh... - Why so glum? - I think I'm going through a mid-life crisis! - Better late than never!
dr111025 -- Hey, what are you doing?! We're going to carve a pumpkin! - It's too early! Halloween is still a week away! - You've go to be PATIENT! Go ask your mom! - Ask me what? Never mind.
dr111026 -- - - Dang! - He wins every staring contest!
dr111027 -- - Cheer up! - I can't help it! I feel empty inside! - skattle skattle skattle skattle
dr111028 -- - GAAAAAHH!! - This costume isn't THAT scary! - Sorry. I though your mother was here!
dr111029 -- TRICK OR TREAT! - Here's an aluminium can for each of you! - Take it to the nearest recycling center for cash! - We'll be toilet-papering your house tonight! Good! We're running low!
dr111030 -- We finished decorating the tree, mom! WHAT?? - The pumpkin tree! Oh, thank goodness! I thought you were already decorating the CHRISTMAS tree! Don't be silly! We won't do that until NEXT week!
dr111031 -- TRICK OR TREAT! Decisions, decisions... - OK, I'll take the TREAT! - YES! A CANDY BAR!! - Hee-hee! Just kidding! Sorry. He's had too much sugar tonight!
dr111101 -- Yesterday the kids all loved you. Today nobody cares. - The flame inside you has gone out. You're getting soft and saggy. - Your time has come and gone. Next stop is the trash heap! - Why are you sitting with THAT old thing? We have a lot in
dr111101 -- common! I was talking to the pumpkin!
dr111102 -- chirp chirp! - Darn! I can't read text messages in the daylight! - I need some shade! -
dr111103 -- - - - Good things come to those who wait! I hate it when he drools on my shoes!
dr111104 -- ...and here's my most prized possession, Norma...a tee ball trophy! - Aw...how cute! - - I mean, congratulations! Thanks! And over here is my certificate of participation from my third-grade Halloween parade!
dr111105 -- Something smells good in the kitchen, honeybunch! - Unfortunately, it's not for you. - Isn't he silly? Oh, yeah, huh... - My wife is the only person I know who uses the crock pot for cat food!
dr111106 -- I need to go to the store to buy a birthday card. - It's a beautiful evening, Ralph! Let's walk to the store together! WALK??? - It's not that far! We could use the exercise! ...Sigh... - I know what's going to happen here. - Just wait. -
dr111106 -- Here we go! SODA POP SALE - She never buys just one thing! Darn! I should've bought the kitty sand!
dr111107 -- I'M HOME! skattle skattle skattle - Hi, Wally! - GAAAAAHH!! scramble scramble claw shred! - It's never the same when the CAT rushes to greet you!
dr111108 -- I'm... ...going to hit some golf balls? - OK, please be home by 6:30! - You... ...need to stop finishing all your sentences? Yes, it must be very annoying! - I must admit, she's gotten pretty good at it!
dr111109 -- Honeybunch, you... - ...have an annoying habit of finishing other people's sentences? - Oh, I do not! - Me... ow? Yes, your dinner is coming!
dr111110 -- Look at this, Patrick! Today's date is 11-10-11! - Isn't that amazing? - Tomorrow it will be 11-11-11! - WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO TOP ME?!
dr111111 -- - - - I'm a lap dog in search of a lap!
dr111112 -- ...Sigh... - So we're sitting here watching TV instead of cleaning the garage BECAUSE...? - Because I forgot that you asked me to do that! - She not only finishes my sentences, she STARTS some of them, too!
dr111113 -- I have to referee Patrick's soccer game today. - It always wears me out! - Unfortunately, every parent has to ref at least once during the season. - Oh, for Pete's sake. - - Will you kids try to keep the ball on one side of the field or the
dr111113 -- other?!! He's the laziest ref I've ever seen!
dr111114 -- munch munch - Awww... - Aren't you cute! pat pat pat - That's not exactly what I was going for! munch munch
dr111115 -- Wally! Give me back my sock!! - LET GO! LET GO, I SAY!! - Knock, knock, knock! - bark bark bark bark bark bark Boy, what a dumb dog!
dr111116 -- Watch this... zzyzx - Knock, knock, knock! - bark bark roff roff roff!! - Whirrr! Hey! Do I hear the cake beaters?
dr111117 -- WALLY! DID YOU KNOCK OVER THE TRASH CAN? - WALLY, WHERE ARE YOU?? - They can't see you if you don't look at them!
dr111118 -- Whenever I do the laundry, there always seems to be a few socks missing! - Where do they go? Why do they just disappear?? - I'll bet the dog has something to do with it! - Dogs get blamed for everything!
dr111119 -- Wally zzyzx - BOOM - -
dr111120 -- CHIRP CHIRP - text text text text text! - - CHIRP CHIRP - text text text text text text text text! - CHIRP CHIRP -  text text texty text text text text texty text text text text! - I love taking walks on Sundays! CHIRP CHIRP So far, we've
dr111120 -- walked eleven feet!
dr111121 -- Soup's ready! - Dad, how do you know when you're in love? How would *I* know? - Uh...I mean...it's a warm feeling all over! - Yeah, sort of like that! Oops.
dr111122 -- YIKES! I FORGOT MY CELL PHONE! - I MUST HAVE LEFT IT AT HOME! WHAT A SICKENING FEELING! - WHAT IF SOMEBODY NEEDS ME?! - You're good. IT COULD HAPPEN!!
dr111123 -- Darn! I spilled spaghetti sauce! - Thank goodness I wore this apron! - I'll need to get it in the washer right away! Mom's the only person I know who wears an apron over her apron!
dr111124 -- Facebook has the right idea... - You can always "unfriend" people! - Too bad you can't "unrelative" people! Family get-togethers can be stressful! - DON'T LET THE DOOR HIT YOU ON THE WAY OUT, RALPH! THANKS FOR THE TURKEY, TURKEY!
dr111125 -- Make a wish, Norm! OK, let's see... - Should I make a wish for myself, or for something to benefit mankind? - If I make a wish for myself, I might feel guilty. But the needs of mankind are so complex, I'd be afraid of wishing for the wrong. -
dr111125 -- WILL YOU HURRY UP!! Sorry, but I'm feeling a lot of pressure!
dr111126 -- Sometimes dad reminds me of a superhero. - Which one? Batman? Superman? Spider-Man? - Iron Man!
dr111127 -- - SNARF! HEY! - GIMME BACK MY SOCK! - WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU??! - I'M GONNA BE LATE! GIVE ME THAT SOCK!! - DON'T YOU HEAD FOR THAT DOGGIE DOOR!! - WHAM! - Why are you only wearing one sock?
dr111128 -- Look what I'VE got, Wally! - It's an old bank statement from 2005! wad wad crumple crumple - Do you want it? OK, here you go! - shred! rip! tear! rip! shred! Who needs a paper shredder when you have a dachshund!
dr111129 -- The best place in town to eat is the snack bar at the bulk club! - A hot dog and soda combo only costs $1.50! - I can feed my family of five for only $7.50! - Or just me for about $10!
dr111130 -- Dad, how can I tell if I've met the right girl? Invite her to dinner at the bulk club snack bar. - But all they have are hot dogs, pizza and churros! It's not fancy at all! Exactly! - If she's OK with that, then you've got the right girl! OK!
dr111130 -- - If she wants to go someplace fancier, like the snack bar at the car wash, look out!
dr111201 -- Invite her to dinner at the Bulk Club Snack Bar! If she's OK with that, you've got the right girl! - Norma, how would you like to have dinner with me at the Bulk Club Snack Bar? - Did you just invite me to the Bluk Club Snack Bar??? Yeah. -
dr111201 -- THAT'S MY FAVORITE PLACE!! I'm beginning to think some things are just meant to be!
dr111202 -- Norma, I can't believe you like the bulk club snack bar as much as I do! - Why eat anything else? It's amazing! Norma really IS the perfect girl for me! - But nobody's perfect! There's GOT to be SOMETHING wrong with her! What could it be?? -
dr111203 -- Dad, this new girl, Norma, seems perfect. She likes all the things *I* like! So, what's the problem? - There must be SOMETHING wrong with her! Nobody's perfect! What's the catch? - Norman, you're overthinking things! - Now THERE'S something I
dr111203 -- never thought I'd say! I know. That was very nice of you!
dr111204 -- Dad, can I borrow the car keys? - I suppose. Thanks. - HONK HONK HONK What's that?? - You must have accidentally pressed the panic button! Now our car is honking in the driveway! - HONK HONK HONK What should I do?? Press it again! - HONK HONK
dr111204 -- HONK No, not THAT button! The red one! - HONK HONK HONK HONK The WHICH one?? RING RING Oh, great! Now the neighbors are calling to complain! - HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK RING RING RING
dr111204 -- I give up! Yet another reason not to give Norman the car keys!
dr111205 -- Hello, Miss Utely? This is Penny Drabble's mother. - I want to speak to you about the grade you gave her on her snowflake sculpture. I think she deserved better than a 'C'. - I worked...I mean, she worked very hard on this! I spent...I mean,
dr111205 -- she spent hours on it, and I... - Oh, never mind!
dr111206 -- What's the problem, Norm? Norman seems like the perfect girl, but I know nobody's perfect. - She must have SOME kind of flaw, but I can't figure out WHAT! It constantly nags at me! - You have no idea what it's like to have something nag at
dr111206 -- you all the time! - Seriously??? Careful, mom at two o'clock!
dr111207 -- Norma seems perfect! Nobody's perfect! - She is! She must have a hidden flaw! - Maybe she gets mead easily! I suggest you try to make her really mad, just to see how long it takes before she... - You need to stop listening to this guy!!
dr111208 -- I'd like a small yogurt with vanilla on the bottom and chocolate on top! - And I'd like a small with chocolate on the bottom and vanilla on the top! - I KNEW it was too good to be true! I KNEW she couldn't possibly be my perfect match! That's
dr111208 -- it, we're through! - On second thought, put the chocolate on top! Whew! That was close!
dr111209 -- ...and that's what *I* think about it! - I echo your sentiments completely! I know. You always do! - Instead of NORMA, I should start calling you ECHO! Echo?? - I LIKE IT!!! Me too!
dr111210 -- Oops! I forgot something! - BUMP! - Why are you always in my way?! - It must be your magnetic personality.
dr111211 -- I've come to the conclusion that the best time of day is 4:50P.M.! - School is over, and my homework is done, and mom's cooking dinner! - My favorite time is 10:15 A.M.! Why? - Because that's when recess begins! - My favorite time of day is
dr111211 -- 11:17 P.M. because that's when the weather girl on channel 9 comes on! - When buying a sofa, a man should take into consideration that he may have to sleep on it now and then!
dr111212 -- Oops! - SNARF! - CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH - I'm sure it's just a "dog" thing, but food that's dropped always seems to taste better!
dr111213 -- Bleech!! These cookies are stale! - Here you go, Wally! They're all yours! - How insulting! - Tasty, but insulting!
dr111214 -- I have an idea: let's go to the wax museum! WHAT?? - I'm SCARED of wax museums!! I know! Me too! - But if we go together, we won't feel so embarrassed about being scared, and we might even conquer our fears! NOT A CHANCE! - Of course, I'd
dr111214 -- probably be clingy and hang all over you! Let's go! It closes in an hour!
dr111215 -- Tell me again why we've come here, echo! To help each other overcome our fears! - We're both terrified of wax museums, but as long as we're together, nothing can scare us! - GAAAHH!!! - Except maybe the price of admission! Is that decimal
dr111215 -- point in the right place?
dr111216 -- If you encounter a vampire, you can kill it with a wooden stake. - If you're attacked by a werewolf, you'll need a silver bullet. - But what can you use on a WAX FIGURE that comes to life?? Hey, THIS might work! - ...if we can find an
dr111216 -- electrical outlet!
dr111217 -- WE DID IT!! - We made it through the WAX MUSEUM!! - We confronted our fears together and we survived!! - So what if we ran through with our eyes closed! That was the longest nine seconds of my life!
dr111218 -- I can't believe how smoothly the decorating is going this year! - Usually when Norman and I work together to put up Christmas lights around the house, it takes forever! - We get in each other's way and waste a lot of time! - I have to fix all
dr111218 -- of Norman's goof-ups! - But not this year! So far, so good! - So when are you going to help me get down? In due time!
dr111219 -- DADDY! WAKE UP! Huh...? Wha...? - What's wrong, Penny? I can't fall asleep! - I'm just too nervous! Why? - It's the night before the night before the night before the night before the night before Christmas! This is going to be a long week!
dr111220 -- Dad, what would you like me to buy you for Christmas? A tie would be nice. - How much would you want me to spend on it? No more than $15. - Can I borrow this $15? Sure. - Ah, heck! Make it $25! I don't want you to think I'm a cheapskate!
dr111221 -- Dad, it says here right in the book... - "The STOCKINGS were hung by the chimney with care..." - Not SWEATPANTS! Whatever!
dr111222 -- Our tree isn't drinking! - SNARF! - - It seems to be eating all right!
dr111223 -- ? - nudge nudge nudge - YES! - I shouldn't have unwrapped my gift early, but I couldn't resist! skattle skattle
dr111224 -- Look, Penny! Look! - I see a red light in the sky and it's MOYING! - You know that's just a plane, don't you? - Oh, yeah, huh! Poor dad. He gets so excited on Christmas eve!
dr111225 -- Wally ZZYZX! - JINGLE JINGLE - bark bark bark bark bark! - Shhh!- brk rowf rowfrowf bark bark bark! - Grrrrr! - ROWFROWF rowf rowf bark bark rowf rowf bark BARK BARK rowf! ...Sigh... - Santa left YOU a gift too, dad? "Do Training For
dr111225 -- Dumbells"!
dr111226 -- After all the gifts have been opened, Wally always loves to tear the wrapping paper to shreds! grrr! rip tear shred rip rip! - It actually kind of adds to the holiday spirit! rip tear shred grrrr! - shred rip tear rip rip The inside of our
dr111226 -- house looks like a giant snow globe!
dr111227 -- We can put it in the tank like this... - And it will take up space. - So now we'll save water every time we flush! - Every holiday season, I find new ways to make use of a fruitcake!
dr111228 -- Time to take down our Christmas decorations. It's about time, honeybunch. - It seems like they've been up forever! - Oh, don't exaggerate! Who's exaggerating?? - The shopping mall complains that WE start decorating too early!
dr111229 -- Dad, how will I know when I've me the right girl? - You'll want to marry her and she'll want to marry you! - And I'll cry at the wedding because it seems like only yesterday I was tying your shoesies! - Remind me to elope! Come to think of
dr111229 -- it, it WAS yesterday!
dr111230 -- skattle skattle skattle Sigh... - Do you HAVE to follow me around wherever I go?? - No. - I'm just really, really nice! skattle skattle
dr111231 -- - I could've sworn you already took down the Christmas decorations! I did. - And today I'm putting them back up! - She's put up the decorations earlier every year! *Oh, it's beginning to look a lot like...*
dr120101 -- It's bad enough having to go see the doctor... - But it's even worse when you have to wait for him in the exam room! - It can take forever and there's nothing to do to pass the time! - ...Sigh... - Tongue depressors? - - Hello, Mr.
dr120101 -- Drab...what on earth?? flappa tappa tappa tappa tappa tappa tappa tappa tappa - YouTube, here we come!
dr120102 -- - - - - Next year, let's put the tree closer to the front door!
dr120103 -- I feel let down after the holidays. I need something to pick me up! - A FORKLIFT couldn't pick you up! - Oh, great! You just caused me to break my resolution to be less snarky! - Try to be more considerate and don't give me straight lines
dr120103 -- like that! How thoughtless of me!
dr120104 -- Sweet! I found a gingerbread cookie under the couch! - You can't eat that! It's been on the floor too long! - Only since December! - Most households have a three-second rule. We have a THREE-WEEK rule!
dr120105 -- Ralph, this is such a long, boring drive...let me drive for a while! No thanks! - But you must be tired and fatigued! I'd be happy to take over! That's OK. - Ralph, pull over and let me drive! Why are you being so stubborn?? ...Sigh... - When
dr120105 -- I drive, she reads. When SHE drives, we have to talk! So, what shall we talk about?
dr120106 -- ...have a nice time! Lol! OK, wait a minute... - ....L......O.......L......! - chirp chirp! Oh, for cryin' out loud! - It's bad enough when she drives, but then she makes me answer all her text messages! Who's that one from?
dr120107 -- The Christmas lights are all being put away neatly! - - - Somehow, between now and December, they get all tangled, but I can't figure out how they do it!
dr120108 -- munch munch munch . Oops! - WALLY - SNARF! - It never even hit the ground! Dachshunds are really fast! Especially the hungry ones! crunch crunch!
dr120109 -- Hey, it's the BLUE SUIT GUYS! On your way to the basketball game? - You guys are the greatest! Everyone loves you! You're so mysterious! - I'd LOVE to know who you guys really are! - Please don't ever tell her, OK? Ever? No! Never mess with a
dr120109 -- good thing!
dr120110 -- OK, fellow blue dudes, our team is losing! Let's work our magic! - Let's inspire them to victory! Let's hold up our signs and get the crowd amped! Like we did last year! - Hold You Heads High in Defeat! At Least Your Parents Still Love You! -
dr120110 -- You're Not Bad At Everything! Losing Builds Character! Maybe we're a little rusty!
dr120111 -- OK, Blue Dudes! We're here to support our team and cheer them to victory! Let's see if we're all here: Leonard! Here! Stu! Here! Elgin! Here! - The unknown blue dude! Here! The blue dudette! Here! The blue blue dude! I'm very sad. The rude
dr120111 -- blue dude! You're ugly too! - Even when we're all here, we're not all here!
dr120112 -- Our team is still behind! We need to help them catch up! - We need to distract the opposition and get in their heads! - Test Your Vision! E Q Z L T I b f w n p o u a d y . . . . . . . . Solve This Puzzle! You are getting sleepy! Whatever
dr120112 -- works!
dr120113 -- Come on, guys! Our team is still losing! We have to inspire them! - We need to show our PASSION! We need to show we CARE! - I, for one, am very disappointed. I, for two, am too! It's a start, I guess!
dr120114 -- We did it!! Our team came back and took the lead! - Time is running out! We're gonna win! It's time to declare victory! - "This game is in the refrigerator... The door is closed. The light is out... The eggs are coolin'... The Jell-o's
dr120114 -- Jigglin'"! Chick Hearn - Who's Chick Hearn? You call yourself a BASKETBALL fan??
dr120115 -- Look what I bought at the Bulk Club, Ralph! - A jumbo container of gourmet jelly beans! - I LOVE these! They come in so many exotic flavors! - Passion fruit, buttered popcorn, kiwi, tangerine,,, - You can even combine them to get other
dr120115 -- flavors! Banana, chocolate, cherry and vanilla tastes like a banana split! - But I like to eat them one at a time so I can taste the individual flavors! - What's YOUR favorite way to eat jelly beans, Ralph? - Thay wha...? I'll give you a
dr120115 -- second.
dr120116 -- Our December bills are huge this year! - I wish we hadn't bought all that stuff! - Are you having buyer's remorse? No... - I'm having HUSBAND-of-buyers remorse!
dr120117 -- Ahem! Oh, sorry! - Pardon me. sorry! - Beep beep! Sorry! - Is it my imagination, or am I getting in everyone's way more often as I get older? Excuse me!
dr120118 -- Spaghetti again? - Boy, we sure seem to have spaghetti a lot! - Point well taken. - I have a hard time believing that point was well taken!
dr120119 -- ...Sigh... - You wouldn't want to go outside in the freezing rain and take a stupid walk, would you? - - You're weird. Dogs think everything is a good idea!
dr120120 -- You shouldn't sit up like that. It's bad for your back! - Here. - I only gave you that so you'd sit back down! crunch crunch! - Bad strategy.
dr120121 -- What do you want to do with your life, son? - Beats me. What kind of field would you like to work in? - I don't know. - What's your college major? - "Undecided". Sounds like you'll graduate with honors!
dr120122 -- WALLY! - COME ON, WALLY! WE NEED TO GO OUTSIDE FOR A WALK! - I KNOW YOU DON'T WANT TO GO OUT IN THE RAIN, BUT YOU HAVE TO! - WHERE ARE YOU HIDING? DON'T MAKE ME COME LOOKING FOR YOU! - * - Here kitty, kitty, kitty! - WHERE'S the kitty? WHERE?
dr120122 -- WHERE?? - And he wonders why I chew up the magazines!
dr120123 -- Norm, let me give you a little fatherly advice... - Life is short. Be bold! Take changes! If you want something, go for it! - You're right, dad! - So I'm going to propose to echo! WHAT?? You were right about that "life is short" part!
dr120124 -- That's right, dad! You've convinced me to pop the question to echo! ...Sigh... - I've come to the conclusion that she's the perfect girl for me! Thanks for the fatherly advice! - But son, you're so YOUNG! And you haven't even met her FAMILY!
dr120124 -- - But son, you're so YOUNG! And you haven't even met her FAMILY! - Minor details! From now on, let ME give the fatherly advice!
dr120105 -- Son, listen to me! Don't rush into things! - I know how it goes: you marry someone who's cute and nice, and then afterwards... - They even get cuter and nicer! - How did you know she was behind you? The temperature of the room dropped.
dr120126 -- Don't worry, dad! I've got it all planned down to the smallest detail... - Echo and I will have dinner at our favorite place, the Bulk Club Food Court. - After we finish our churro, I'll get down on one knee and and pop the question! She'll
dr120126 -- cry with joy! - I never knew you were so romantic! I even bought a pen with a heart on top for her to sign the pre-nup agreement!
dr120127 -- Echo, we have so much in common! We get along so well together... - I have an important question to ask you... - Will you please be mine? Nope. - Echo, you've made me the happiest...wait, what?! The pizza is really good tonight!
dr120128 -- NO?? But we have so much in common! I thought you LIKED me! I do like you, Norman! - Unfortunately, my heart belongs to another! - He's dynamic! He's fun! He's exciting! - I KNEW there had to be something wrong here! Did I mention he's fun
dr120128 -- and exciting?
dr120129 -- Every father should practice his glare! - If you have a good glare, your kids are more apt to be good, because they don't want you to give them that look! - Sometimes I give my kids the glare BEFORE they can get into trouble, just as a
dr120129 -- precaution! - In fact, something tells me this would be a good time to give Norman the glare, but he already left on a date! - I have an idea! Parenthesis...colon...u...parenthesis! text text text send! - * chirp chirp! - My dad sent me a
dr120129 -- text! - Read this sideways! ):U( Yikes! It's the glare!
dr120130 -- I knew it was too good to be true! I popped the question and she burst my bubble! - Echo's in love with another guy! She couldn't stop telling me about all of his great qualities! - He's dynamic, he's fun, he's exciting... chip chirp! - Oh,
dr120130 -- good. He's also a leader! So nice of her to send a text!
dr120131 -- Rejected by the girl of my dreams! I'm so depressed! - You need to get your mind off it, Norm! Fortunately, there's a basketball game tonight. - Let's put on our blue suits and go have fun! You'll feel better in no time! - SCORE! WIN! GO! I
dr120131 -- hope! WHATEVER
dr120201 -- What's wrong with the head blue dude? He's kind of sad, blue dudette! - Sad?? But he's our LEADER! If HE acts sad, we're ALL going to act sad! - We might not be able to inspire to victory tonight! - IT'S ONLY A GAME. BIG DEAL. WHO CARES. BLAH
dr120201 -- BLAH BLAH. See what I mean?
dr120202 -- It's useless! Since Echo dumped me for another guy, I'm to depressed to lead the Blue Dudes anymore! - She says he's fun and exciting and dynamic...all the thing's I'm not! - No more Blue Dudes for me. I'm going home! - NORMAN?? I recognize
dr120202 -- that voice!
dr120203 -- Norman! YOU'RE the leader of the Blue Dudes?? - Your voice is strangely familiar! I can't believe it! - I joined the Blue Dudes because I had a crush on the leader and the leader is YOU?? - WENDY??!! I think I'm going to be sick!
dr120204 -- Wendy was the Blue Dudette?? Darn! I was hoping it was... - ECHO!! Norman! I didn't know you were the head Blue Dude!! - The leader of the Blue Dudes is the guy I thought was so fun and exciting!! - Who in a million trillion bazillion years
dr120204 -- would've thought it could be YOU?? Who indeed!
dr120205 -- Welcome To Super Bowl XLVI What does XLVI men, dad? - 46! This Super Bowl Number 46, Penny! - XLVI is 46 in roman numerals! The X stands for ten, the I stands for one, and the L and the V stand for the rest of it! - Actually, the I might
dr120205 -- stand for "Investigation," like in "CSI: Miami". Whatever! - Gee, dad, you're 46, too! Maybe you should call yourself Ralph Drabble *XLVI*! - In HIS case, it would stand for extra-large village idiot! I wonder if the LV stands for Las Vegas?
dr120206 -- Oh, no... - He'd better not say it... - I just know he's going to say it... - So, you thought I was pretty cute in my blue dude outfit, eh? TAXI!
dr120207 -- pick pick claw claw1 - HEY, YOU DUMB CAT! DON'T DO THAT! SCRAM! - I thought you wanted Oogie to use the scratching post! I do! - But it's better to act like I don't! pick pick claw!
dr120208 -- bark bark bark roff roff roff You dumb dog! - roff roff bark bark bark It's just me! Why are you barking? - It could've been a stranger who looked like you, smelled like you and sounded like you! - ...Sigh... At the Wiener Dog Academy, they
dr120208 -- teach us to bark first and ask questions later!
dr120209 -- - - - "Close" only counts in horseshoes and the wastebasket in our kids' bathroom!
dr120210 -- This lane is much too bumpy! Move over into the other lane, please. OK. - This lane is even bumpier! - They should resurface this highway! - Or maybe you should just put on your makeup BEFORE you leave! Darn!
dr120211 -- Dad, I know you love your sweatpants, but I think you need to buy some new ones! - Those have so many holes in them, I don't think they're technically considered sweatpants anymore! I think they have a few more years in them!
dr120212 -- Look at all those ducks down by the lake, Wally! - GO GET 'EM! - ROFF ROFF ROFF ROFF - - I can't believe he let Wally frighten those ducks! - RALPH!! - DON'T SCARE ME LIKE THAT!!
dr120213 -- Hey! I thought this was the OLDIES station! - It IS the oldies station! - This song isn't an oldie! It was my favorite song in high school! - Maybe you should get out your quill and write a letter to the station! I'm out of parchment.
dr120214 -- Norman, you know I love the food court at the bulk club... - But I'm surprised you'd get the idea to bring me here for our valentine's date! - I'll take that as a compliment, Echo! Great minds think alike, eh, son? So do cheap minds!
dr120215 -- This is my favorite night of the week! I haul the trash cans out to the curb... - And when I wake up in the morning, the cans will be empty again! - It's kind of magical! - Trash day eve is very exciting!
dr120216 -- Gather 'round, kids! It's FATHERLY ADVICE night! - Dad, when you give us fatherly advice, try to be brief and to the point! - And try not to repeat yourself! Yeah, and avoid long stories! The father is the advisER, not he advisEE!
dr120217 -- Kids, the loose french fries at the bottom of the bag always taste the best! - You've told us that before, dad! I have? OK, let's see... - Never buy a green suit! You've told us that before, too! - Dang! I'm running out of fatherly advice!
dr120218 -- We're home! - We saw a 3-D movie! - How was it? *D*readful, *D*eary and *D*umb!
dr120219 -- Crossing Guard I wish you wouldn't worry about me so much! Crossing Guard Guard Sorry. It's a "mom" thing!
dr120120 -- ...and another thing: never relinquish your TV remote! - Thanks! You've been very helpful! My pleasure, son! - I probably shouldn't wear my fatherly advice outfit in public! Excuse me! Can I ask you a question?
dr120221 -- Hurry up the stairs! We're gonna be late! - Did you know that every time a person climbs stairs, they begin with the same foot? - Which foot do YOU start with? - Are you coming? Quiet! I'm trying to think!
dr120222 -- Well, I'd better let you go! By the way, how do you like your new job? - ...that's good. Well, I'll say goodbye now. How's your mother? - ...OK, well, I really need to go now! What's new with your sister? - Boy, it's hard to get some people
dr120222 -- off the phone! Yeah, we know!
dr120123 -- This movie is driving me crazy! - I have no idea what's going on! - Don't feel bad, dear... - You had no idea what was going on BEFORE you got to the movie, either! Oh, yeah, huh!
dr120224 -- Honeybunch, do you mind if I have a soda? Of course I don't mind! - Why would I mind? You're a grown man! Do what you want! - Stop seeking my permission for everything! It drives me crazy! - Allow me to apologize. THERE YOU GO AGAIN!
dr120225 -- WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF!! ...Sigh... - WOOF WOOF woof woof... Nobody's there, see? - Now quit barking! - woof. He's always got to have the last woof!
dr120226 -- Ralph, don't cram so many french fries in your mouth all at once! - It's disgusting! Eat them one at a time! - Honeybunch, it's impossible for a man to eat only one french fry at a time. No man can do it! - Just watch that guy sitting behind
dr120226 -- you! - - Good heavens! What is it about men that...HEY! DID YOU STEAL SOME OF MY FRIES!? - If you don't believe me, just look at the guy behind you! Men are all in cahoots, aren't they?!!
dr120227 -- Being an airport security screener is a tough job. - Travelers are in a bad mood because they feel like they're being treated like cattle! - Maybe we shouldn't put cowbells on them! clank clank clank clank clank clank Well, we can't have
dr120227 -- them wandering off!
dr120228 -- Please remove your shoes, belts, and all the contents from your pockets before you pass through security! - I know it's a hassle, but let's all try to be cheerful! - * If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands...** - grumble grumble!
dr120228 -- @*!! grumble grumble! I tried.
dr120229 -- Before passing through security, all passengers must remove their shoes and belts! - You forgot to remove your belt. Allow me. - FWISSSHH! - That's always fun!
dr120301 -- Congratulations on passing the security check, kids! - - whoosh whoosh - Here! Have a blue latex glove! In the good old days, they'd give the kids pilot wings!
dr120302 -- Do I HAVE to go through the security x-ray? - I think it' sundignified! No problem! We can check you the old-fashioned way! - On the return trip, I'll just do the x-ray!
dr120303 -- I'm home! Did you bring me anything, daddy? - My friend Sophia's dad works in a bakery and brings her things from work! - Keep in mind I work as an airport security screener! - How about some confiscated toenail clippers?
dr120304 -- He did it again! I can't believe it! - Ralph, when you put away a box of crackers, you need to close the bag inside properly! - Don't just wad up the bag and close the flap! Fold the bag down over and over! Like this! - The go to the drawer
dr120304 -- and get one of these plastic food clamps and clamp it shut! - Otherwise, the bag comes open and the crackers get stale! - Don't be a dummy! When you want something to stay closed, put a clamp on it! - - OK! Come back here and explain that
dr120304 -- smirk!
dr120305 -- I hate doing taxes! - I can't believe all the dumb things we spent money on last year! - A CAT GROOMER?? What were we thinking?? - That's what *I* was wondering!
dr120306 -- Looks like it's tax time again. Yup. - Interesting... - Why are all of your dinners at the buffet listed as charitable donations? I was always afraid I was going to put them out of business!
dr120307 -- I woke up feeling lousy! - I have a headache, an upset stomach and a sore throat. - Whenever I'm like this, there's only one thing that can make me feel better... - A warm pair of sweatpants!
dr120308 -- - - Dang! No match! - Every new pair of socks should come with a spare!
dr120309 -- Time to throw away these old sweatpants, Ralph. There's a big hole in them! - But I love these sweatpants! There's gotta be some way to keep 'em! - - No.
dr120310 -- Ralph, can I say something without you getting all defensive? - Why do you always assume I'm going to be defensive? - That's not very nice of you! - I'll take that as a 'no'.
dr120311 -- Oh, man! My feet are killing me! - You mom bought me a new pair of shoes last week, and they feel to small! - You've been walking around for a week in shoes that are too small?! Why don't you take them back?? - According to the label, they're
dr120311 -- the right size! I was hoping they'd stretch out! - I think I see the problem, dad... - When you get new shoes, you're supposed to remove the wadded-up paper! Oh, yeah, huh!
dr120312 -- bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark! - bark bark bark bark bark bark! There's no one there, you dumb dog! Knock it off! - bark bark bark bark bark bark! Here, catch! -  bark bark
dr120312 -- bark!
dr120313 -- Lots of people have banners on their homes. - Most of them are so much charm to the home. - And then there's ours! Sorry, but I just can't bear to throw my old sweatpants away!
dr120314 -- After robbing a bank and stealing a car, the suspect led police on a 20-mile high-speed chase. - He sideswiped several cars and narrowly avoided hitting a group of pedestrians. - After resisting arrest, police have finally taken the gentleman
dr120314 -- into custody. - "GENTLEMAN"???
dr120315 -- I'm starving! I've had nothing to eat all day! - What about those donuts you had for breakfast? Oh yeah, huh. - And the hot dog you had for lunch? Oh yeah. - And the potato chips you had five minutes ago? OK, I've had nothing MEMORABLE!
dr120316 -- - The world's largest bubble! - BLAM! -
dr120317 -- Well, I'll be takin' me shillelagh and goin' home to watch "The Quiet Man." - Thanks for coming to dinner, Stu! - "If you're lucky enough to be Irish, you're lucky enough!" Happy St. Patty's Day! - I thought you meat we were having Irish
dr120317 -- STEW for dinner!
dr120318 -- another red light! I never make this signal! - I wonder how much timeout of my life I've spent sitting at this signal waiting for the light to change? - At least twice a day for the last 20 years! - This signal is about 90 seconds long. Twice
dr120318 -- a day would be three minutes a day... - Three minutes times 365 days a year, times 20 years... - Let's see...carry the one... - HONK!! Dang! I missed the signal! - Oh, well...what's another 90 seconds?
dr120319 -- - SNARF! POP! - SNARF! POP! - I've been eating these all day, but they just don't fill me up!
dr120320 -- SNARF! POP! SNARF! POP! SNARF! POP! Got 'em all!! - More?? - Haven't I got enough to do around here??
dr120321 -- THIS BOOK STINKS! - What a waste of time! Hours of my life I'll never get back! - I don't know whether to keep reading and hope it gets better, or cut my losses and run! - Fortunately it's only 25 pages! 24 to go!
dr120322 -- This is the most boring book I've ever read! - My eyes are tired from moving back and forth so much! - Maybe I should just listen to this book on tape! - They don't record pop-up books on tape, Penny! Fine. I'll just wait for the movie!
dr120323 -- I can't believe you're still reading that book, Penny! I'm not. I'm UN-reading it! - UNreading it?? I read it all and I hated it! - The only way to get it out of my mind is to unread it by reading it backwards! - How come *I* never thought of
dr120323 -- that?? .end the
dr120324 -- - - HIC! -
dr120325 -- DEPARTURES--> Oh, no! - What? I forgot my driver's license! - They won't let me on the plane without identification! Our vacation will be RUINED! - COME ON! WE HAVE TO GO HOME AND GET IT! - HURRY! WE'LL HAVE TO RUN TO CARCH THE SHUTTLE BACK
dr120325 -- TO THE PARKING LOT!! - IT'S OUR ONLY CHANCE! HURRY, RALPH, HURRY!! WE JUST MAKE IT BEFORE... - Oh, wait a minute...her is it! Never mind! - Let's go, Ralph! If we hurry, we might get an aisle! Where are those oxygen masks when you need 'em?!
dr120326 -- I used to read in bed every night until my eyes got tired. - Now I listen to audio books. - It's not quite the same. - Now I read until my ears get tired!
dr120327 -- Dad, why do we have to go outside and fly a kite? - It's unhealthy to stay indoors all day playing video games! - I want you kids to start living a more healthy lifestyle! - If you're good sports, I'll take you to get donuts!
dr120328 -- Kids today spend too much time immersed in technology. - They don't know how to play outside anymore. That's why I'm teaching you to fly a kite! - One day you'll thank me! - Although it will probably be tweeted! - Isn't there an app for
dr120328 -- playing outside?
dr120329 -- Our kite is flying! We did it!! - Is this fun, or what?! - - Anybody else want to stand here and hold it? I don't think I could handle the excitement.
dr120330 -- Society tells kids to spend all their free time immersed in technology. - But as your father, I feel a responsibility to teach you about the finer things in life! - The world may be against me, but I refuse to give up! - Did I mention the
dr120330 -- world is against me?
dr120331 -- I tried to convince our kids that flying a kite outdoors is better than playing video games indoors. - Were you successful? - Partially.
dr120401 -- OK, Blue Dudes! Let's take off our masks so every one can hear us!! - GIIME ! V!! - V! GIMME AN I!! - I! GIMME A C-T-O-R-Y!! - C-T-O-R-Y!! - WHAT'S THAT SPELL?! - Victoria? Veterinarian? Vicinity? Maybe we should've left our masks on!
dr120402 -- Here you go, Norman. - Sorry I missed your special day! - - I'm probably the only person in the world who gets belated "Happy April Fool's Day" cards!
dr120403 -- Darn! I can't find my punch card! - This donut should be free because I filled up my ounch card, but now I can't find it! - It's OK. I'm new here, but I can certainly believe you're a regular customer! - I didn't like the way she said that!
dr120404 -- twist twist! - SQUEEZE - Here's your orange juice, big brother! - Is it freshly squeezed? That's what you asked for, isn't it?
dr120405 -- I have so much to do today! - It seems like I need to be several places at once! - I'm beginning to understand how your belt must feel! My belt?? - There's not enough of me to go around!
dr120406 -- Did you play baseball in school, dad? I sure did! Son! - I was considered a "five-tool" player! - Really?? Absolutely... - I had a HAMMER toe, a WRENCH in my back, an IRON glove, a hangNAIL and a SCREWball swing!
dr120407 -- My wife and kids just left for a few hours. It's fun to think about all the things I could do today! - I could take a nap or watch sports or eat a bucket of ice cream! - I could go for a walk or hit golf balls or go to the hardware store,
dr120407 -- or... - WE'RE BACK! Boy, time flies!
dr120408 -- Hello, doctor. This is Ralph Drabble... - I'm calling because I'm not feeling well. - I don't know...I just feel kind of lousy and blah. I don't feel comfortable. What should I do? - Uh-huh...OK, I will. Thank you? - What did he tell you to
dr120408 -- do? - Take two Aspirin and put on a pair of sweatpants!
dr120409 -- Well? Well what? - How did you like my recipe for creamed spinach souffle? - I must say, it tasted great! - Good boy! I must say it, or else!
dr120410 -- "Husband". That makes it easy1 - Happy anniversary, honeybunch! - Ralph, you bought me a card that says "To the Man I Married"! I did? - You need to READ the cards before you buy them! When the sign on the rack says "husband", I thought it
dr120410 -- meant husbands should buy these!
dr120411 -- The world is yours, son. - you can do anything you can put your mind to! There is nothing to fear but fear itself! - Never give up! Winners never quit! - My philosophy is to keep talking on my kids and hope something sinks in eventually.
dr120412 -- Oh, hi! - Just a second. - Here you go! Grrr! - Looks like our mobile cat groomer has had a rough week!
dr120413 -- When I was a kid, they told us things would be better in the 21st century. - They lied. - What's dad so upset about? - He set the DVR to record "American Idol", and it stopped before he saw who got voted off! They also lied about all of us
dr120413 -- having a jet pack!
dr120414 -- - - - Toning you abs? No, I'm just trying to get out of this dumb chair!
dr120415 -- Here you go, Ralph! - For ME?? Happy Birthday! - Hey, is this what I THINK it is??! - Honeybunch, I LOVE it!! - This is the best gift EVER! - A quilt made out of my old sweatpants!
dr120416 -- Nice! I found a pork rind! - It doesn't matter how long they've been lost in the cushions... - They still taste pretty good! I'll remember that! - Some things you learn only from your dad!
dr120417 -- I don't understand it. - It kind of bugs me. - Dogs are man's best friend! - So how come your place is cooler than mine? Women do the shopping!
dr120418 -- Norman, those are YESTERDAY'S TV listings! - I know. I like to see what I missed! - Dang! I would've LIKED to have seen THIS show! - Some people are gluttons for punishment!
dr120419 -- Hey! It's What's-His-Name! - 9th Place - I won five dollars! I won five dollars!! - Some people have delusions of grandeur. I have delusions of mediocrity!
dr120420 -- I'm home! Hi, dad! - How's my little girl?! - Some day you'll be too big for me to pick up and toss in the chair. - I a few years, I'll be lucky if I can toss a salad! * * *
dr120421 -- meow meow meow! All right, I'll feed you... - Hey, you've got plenty of food, you dumb cat! - You can't have more just because it's been sitting around all day! - Eat that first! What am I? Some kind of animal?
dr120422 -- - - ...15...16...17 bubbles! - GE GET 'EM WALLY! - SNARF! SNARF! SNARF! pop! pop! pop! pop! pop! SNARF pop! - None of them touched the ground! A clean sweep! At the Wiener Dog Academy, my record was 25!
dr120423 -- - - - Every time I look in the mirror, I see a strange-looking old man! And your point is...?
dr120424 -- text text text ...Sigh... - text text te.. AHEM!! - Oh, sorry! - Texting in the buffet line should be a misdemeanor!
dr120425 -- - - - It's a buffet! I can go back as many times as I want! That makes eleven!
dr120426 -- ...Sigh... - Our kids spend so much time texting and playing games... - How can we reduce their dependence on modern technology? - Maybe there's an app for that!
dr120427 -- I get the feeling that you and Mr. Steinbauer don't get along. - We don't. - But you know the old saying: "Good fences make for good neighbors." - Barbed wire helps, too!
dr120428 -- Congratulate me, honeybunch! - I have given up donuts again! - - Fine. See if I bother to tell her the NEXT time I give up donuts!
dr120429 -- - Go get 'em, Wally! - pop! snarf! pop! snarf! pop! snarf! pop! pop! snarf! pop! snarf - Good job, Wally! You got 'em all! - I'd like to see you try to improve on that! Watch. - SLASH! CLAW! SLICE! SLASH! - Yawn!
dr120430 -- YIPES!! - When did we get a high-definition MIRROR?? About the same time you got a high-definition FACE!
dr120501 -- - * - One of my better ideas! When your father gets an idea, it's a REFRIGERATOR light bulb that goes on in his head!
dr120502 -- The expiration date on this week was last week. - Oh, well...that's not the only old thing in my stomach! - So far today, I've had day-old bread, leftover pizza and expired milk. - I feel like a human time capsule!
dr120503 -- - - What's for dinner? Macaroni and cheese! - She finishes my sentences before I can even START them!
dr120504 -- Hardware Store - - Perfect! Most people don't put a welcome mat in front of the refrigerator! Most people don't visit it as often as he does!
dr120505 -- Fast-forward...fast-forward... - STOP!! - Dang! Fast-forward again! - I hate it when you speed through the commercials and they make it look like the show is about to start again, but instead it's another commercial!
dr120506 -- Hey, I found a dollar! - Wait a minute... - Whenever I find money on the ground, I worry that it's a prank! - It's probably glued to the ground and I'm being video-taped, and when I try to pick it up I'll make a fool of myself. - And before
dr120506 -- you know it, I'll be all over the Internet! - Hey, a dollar! - - Yup, that's me. I can't believe you fell for the old "don't-picj-it-up-because-it-might-be-glued-to-the-ground" trick!
dr120507 -- I'm excited to go to a major league baseball game, Norman! Me too, Echo! - Maybe they'll put us on the "kiss cam"! - There are so many people here! I hope you can find your car after the game! I worried about that, too... - So I left the
dr120507 -- headlights on! Why didn't *I* think of that?!
dr120508 -- Tonight's game is a sellout, Norman! - How did you get the tickets? I bought them from a scalper! - Right this way, ma'am! Your seat is down on the field-level! Nice! - And your seat is in the upper deck! WHAT?!!
dr120509 -- Can you see me, Echo? I'm in the last row! - Yeah! I can't believe our seats are in different sections! - I guess I should've looked more closely before I bought the tickets! - That scalper seemed like such a nice guy!
dr120510 -- How do you like your seat, Norman? - I hate it because it's not next to YOUR seat! - ...it's also in the top row of the upper deck, and my view is obstructed by the foul pole. - And I'm sitting between two drunken fans who are rooting for
dr120510 -- different teams! - With my luck, this game will go extra innings!
dr120511 -- I seem to be sitting in the PWDY section! - That's too bad! Everyone around me is very nice! - The view is great from here! It sure is! - TALL THAT GUY NEXT TO YOU TO KEEP HIS EYES ON THE GAME!
dr120512 -- I'm in the top deck and you're down below! I can't believe I paid for seats that aren't together! - I'm really sorry, Echo! I feel like I've ruined our date! - If it makes you feel better, I'm having a nice time anyway! - Why would that make
dr120512 -- me feel better?
dr120513 -- Happy mother's day, Honeybunch! - Thank you, Ralph! What a nice card! - Did you read it? - Of course I read it! How else would I know which card to buy you? - What did it say? - "USA $2.99, Canada $3.99"
dr120514 -- Norman, guess what! The guy next to me caught a foul ball and GAVE it to me! - That's what *I* wanted to do!! I wanted to catch a ball and give it to YOU and be a HERO! That's why I brought my GLOVE!! - Instead, I'm sitting between two
dr120514 -- drunks in the last row of the upper deck! - The only thing I'm going to catch up here is PNEUMONIA! He didn't bring a glove. He caught it bare-handed!
dr120515 -- I bought baseball tickets for Echo and me, but the seats weren't together! Pucker Up! It's the KISS CAM - She's downstairs next to a guy who's flirting with her, and I'm in the upper deck between two drunks! - It can't get much worse than
dr120515 -- this! - I stand corrected! KISS CAM *
dr120516 -- I can't believe it!! - Echo's on the 'Kiss Cam' with that guy who's been flirting with her!! KISS CAM - Is she going to kiss him?? What's going to happen??? - STOP DOING THE WAVE! I CAN'T SEE!!
dr120517 -- WHAT HAPPENED?! I COULDN'T SEE! DID SHE KISS HIM?? - !!* That girl on the kiss cam! Did she kiss him??! @*!!! - WILL YOU DRUNKS SHUT UP AND GET A LIFE!!! - Just kidding!
dr120518 -- Did you just call us DRUNKS? I don't recall. Hic! - ALL RIGHT, BREAK IT UP! Thank goodness! Security has arrived! LET'S GO, TROUBLEMAKER! ME?? I'm not the DRUNK! All I've had is a FROZEN MALT!
dr120519 -- Hello, Echo? I'm embarrassed to tell you they just threw me out of the stadium! - I told off those obnoxious drunks, and got ejected for causing a disturbance! - That's OK, Norman. I got thrown out, too! WHY??! - When that guy tried to kiss
dr120519 -- me on the 'Kiss Cam', I punched him in the nose!
dr120520 -- So, what do you do, young man? I'm a student. - snip snip snip! - snip snip! snip snip! - So, what do YOU do for a living? - I'm a barber. - Oh, yeah, huh! - snip snip! I've never been good at making small talk!
dr120521 -- I'd like a haircut, please! Have you been here before? - No. Please fill out a customer information card. - Name? Address? Phone number? E-Mail? Good grief! - I want a HAIRCUT, not a LOAN!
dr120522 -- Polecat Little League ...Sigh... - chirp chirp! - Look alive out there! - Well, you don't like it when I yell at him!
dr120523 -- There! I just adjusted the clock on your dashboard! Why?? - It was an hour off! You never changed it for daylight saving time a couple of months ago! - So what? I always knew what time it was because I knew it was one hour later than what the
dr120523 -- clock said! - Well, now the time is correct! But now I'll always be an hour EARLY for everything!!
dr120524 -- Norman, why did you change the clock in my car?? - It was an hour slow! You never reset it for daylight saving time two months ago! - Why bother to do that?? - It was going to be correct again in four months!
dr120525 -- I wish you hadn't changed the clock, Norm! - But it was an hour slow! The correct time is *3:00§, not *2:00*! - Yeah, except now it says it's three AM instead of three PM! - I don't know how to change the AM and PM! My clock used to be an
dr120525 -- hour off. Now it's TWELVE hours off!
dr120526 -- Summer is only three months long, dad... - What's taking so long? Mom said you had plenty of hot air! - You should've started around easter! I work faster without an audience.
dr120527 -- Honeybunch? - Honeybunch? - Where is she?? - I can never find her when I need her! - Maybe she's not even home! - There's one sure-fire way to find out... - rustle rustle - Stay out of those potato chips! Never fails!
dr120528 -- Interesting. This can of cake frosting is only 100 calories per serving. - There are 13 servings in this can. If I ate it for a midnight snack, it would be 1,300 calories! - This other can is *140* calories per serving. That's a big
dr120528 -- difference! - It's important to read the nutritional information if you're serious about losing weight!
dr120529 -- Snacking AGAIN?? You've been eating a lot today, Ralph! - I eat when I'm worried. - I have a lot hanging over my head these days! - You have a lot hanging over your BELT, too!
dr120530 -- Honeybunch, here's an article from the paper you might be interested in... - "Building a better backside"?? - They show exercises to tone your keister! - Another reason newspapers are superior to the Internet: computers hurt when you get hit
dr120530 -- with one!
dr120531 -- CRACK! - IT'S A FLY BALL TO PATRICK IN RIGHT! - text text text - It used to be, when a kid was "all thumbs" in the outfield, it meant something way different!
dr120601 -- My new driver's license finally arrived! - Hey, there's been a mistake! They put the wrong photo on it! - This is an ugly old fat bald guy!! - Oh, yeah, huh! You're not completely bald!
dr120602 -- Where's the cream cheese your mom asked me to buy? - Actually, dad, she asked you to buy LOW-FAT cream cheese! - Yeah, I know... - But if I do things right, she'll gin confidence in me and start asking me all sorts of things!
dr120603 -- Please empty your pockets and remove your shoes and belts! - Why on earth do we have to go to so much trouble?!! It's all about safety, sir! - Trained security personnel carefully screen each and every passenger before we let them through to
dr120603 -- board the plane! - If we notice any odd or suspicious behavior, that person will be denied entry, and detained for questioning. - GANGWAY! I'M FLYING! I'M FLYING! - How come you let HIM go through? - He's the pilot!
dr120604 -- I love being on the golf course. It's so peaceful and quiet! - WHACK! - CRACK! BONK! SMACK AAUGHH! SPLOOSH - Most of the time!
dr120605 -- - SPLOOSH! Darn! I'm in the lake again! - Cheer up. It happens to the best of us! - It happens to the worst of us more often!
dr120606 -- Uh-oh! That ball is WAY out of bounds! - It went way up into the mountains! - OK, let's go find it! - My dad is the only person I know who needs snow chains on his golf cart! clank clank
dr120607 -- Robert Frost was right... - There's something to be said for taking the road less traveled! - Shut up and help me look for my ball!
dr120608 -- Great drive, dad! Right down the middle of the fairway! - CRACK! - The one time my ball doesn't hit a tree, a tree hits my ball! I can't believe it just fell over!
dr120609 -- Did you play well today, Ralph? - Did I WHAT?? - WAP WAP - Sorry, I had sand in my ears! I'll take that as a "no".
dr120610 -- ARRRGGH! - I hate having to step over that stupid doggie gate! - Can I make a suggestion? - If you remove the gate, you won't have to step over it any more! - And then I'd also be able to go in that room any time I wanted to sleep on the new
dr120610 -- couch or shred magazines! - The gate stays. - People are supposed to be very smart, but I just don't see it!
dr120611 -- - - It should be easier to stick to my diet now that I've thrown out all the junk food! - When mom's on a diet, EVERYONE'S on a diet!
dr120612 -- I'm so disappointed! I just can't lose any weight! I've exercised and skipped meals and I've done everything I'm supposed to do, but so far I haven't lost an ounce! - I can't figure it out! What on earth am I doing wrong? I try and try to eat
dr120612 -- healthy food and I get... Apparently, TALKING doesn't burn up calories!
dr120613 -- I'm so proud of myself! The scale says I've lost five pounds! - I know my dieting has been hard on you all, so tonight we'll celebrate with a pizza! Yes! - But no dessert! Five pounds isn't that much! - I KNEW I should've turned that scale
dr120613 -- back a few more pounds!
dr120614 -- Do you still have that book you were telling me about? Hang on, mother. I'll go check! - - YIKES! What an awful screensaver!! - ?
dr120615 -- Bye, mom! It was good to talk to you again! Bye, June! - Isn't modern technology amazing?? - I can now talk face-to-face with loved ones who are thousands of miles away! - Or, in your mom's case, SEVEN miles away. Just be glad I didn't make
dr120615 -- you go over there!
dr120616 -- Can I have ten bucks, dad? Sure. - Dad, can I have ten dollars, please? Sure, Patrick! - Daddy, can I please have twenty dollars? Sure, Penny! - She always buys me the nicest father day's gift!
dr120617 -- We're back, dad! - Where did you go today? - We had a picnic in the park, went on a nature hike, saw the flower fields, and then went over to Aunt Betty's house for dinner. - What did YOU do all day, dad? - Not much, I watched sports on TV,
dr120617 -- ate chips and junk, then took a nap! - Basically, I just sat around all by myself in my underwear all day. - Thanks for making this the best father's day ever!! Glad you enjoyed yourself!
dr120618 -- ...Sigh... - I think I can now officially call myself a renaissance man. - That's because I look like I'm about five hundred years old!
dr120619 -- MOM! - MOM! - MOTHER! JUNE! HONEYBUNCH! - meow. - Did my kitty just call me?
dr120620 -- - - How on earth do you get your shoes on and off without untying them?? - Years of practice! ...and laziness!
dr120621 -- Hi, Norman. I just called because I was thinking of you. - You were thinking of ME, Wendy? Why?? Today is the longest day of the year... - Which always reminds me of the time you took me on a date to your grandma's house to watch home movies!
dr120621 -- - Talk about a LONG DAY! It's nice to know she thinks of me once a year!
dr120622 -- WHACK! - TWELVE!!! - Aren't you supposed to yell FORE?? - Yeah, but now I'm covered for three bad shots!
dr120623 -- - OW! - HEY, WATCH WHERE YOU AIM THOSE THINGS! - That boy really needs to toughen up!
dr120624 -- It was a nice evening, so honeybunch said... - I have an idea, Ralph! Let's get some exercise and walk to the store! - WALK?? I don't want to walk to the store!! - You always buy a lot of stuff, and I'll have to carry a bunch of heavy old
dr120624 -- bags all the way home! - I promise I won't buy much! - See? All I'm buying is a birthday card! - So how are you doing with that heavy old bag of yours?! - We seem to be doing pretty good, don't we, honeybunch?! smooch! - ...and then it got
dr120624 -- ugly.
dr120625 -- Ralph, we'll be having dinner in ten minutes! - OK, thanks for telling me, honeybunch! - Why did you make a SANDWICH? - I didn't eat lunch today, and I figured out it was now or never!
dr120626 -- It's weird...we've had this grandfather's clock for years. - It chimes all the time, but I never hear it because I'm so used to it! - Ralph, I've told you over and over, when you put your dirty socks in the hamper, make sure they're
dr120626 -- inside-out! - Did someone just say something?
dr120627 -- Souvenirs Son, make sure you marry a woman with a common first name! - How come, dad? - Wherever you go, you'll always be able to buy her one of these souvenir keychains! - Here we go-"June". My anniversary shopping is done!
dr120628 -- Son, if you want to play like a real NBA star, you need to practice! - OK, show me what you can do! - AAAUGHH! - Nice flop! Now give me ten more!
dr120629 -- - - ? - Why do you even bother to put ice cream in a bowl? It's not polite to eat out of the carton!
dr120630 -- Welcome to PSYCHIC BURGER! May I guess your order, please? Sure! - You'd like two cheeseburgers, one order of fries, one onion ring, and two large root beers! - You got it! That'll be $11.25 at the window, please! - Uh-oh! I forgot my wallet!
dr120630 -- I KNEW it!!
dr120701 -- I'm home! - Where have you been, honeybunch? - I went to the beauty shop! - - So what happened? Couldn't they take you? - Enjoy your night on the couch! I meant, because you weren't GONE for long! I mean, not that you'd NEED to be gone for
dr120701 -- long! I mean...good night.
dr120702 -- Dad! I got a summer job! I'm an actor! An actor?? - You tried that last summer when you landed a role at the PAGEANT OF THE PAINTERS! - You portrayed Washington crossing the Delaware! All you had to do was stand still for 90 seconds. It was a
dr120702 -- disaster! - It's not MY fault my cell phone rang! No, but you didn't have to ANSWER it!
dr120703 -- I got an acting job at the Murder Mystery Diner Theater, dad! What's that? - People come for dinner, but the waiters and some of the guests are really actors! - during the meal, a murder is discovered, and a "whodunit" unfolds. Everyone is a
dr120703 -- suspect! - Doesn't that sound like fun? Depends what they're having for dinner?
dr120704 -- The Mystery Diner Theatre is fun, dad! Actors pose as ordinary customers... - During the meal, a 'whodunit' unfolds! Everyone is a suspect! - I play TROY, the handsome newlywed who is madly in love with his new bride. - ...or IS he? (insert
dr120704 -- ominous music here).
dr120705 -- So, you're playing a newlywed husband? That's right, dad. - Who plays your wife? I don't know. I'm going to meet her this afternoon! - I hope she's pretty! In the script, she gives me a big kiss! - WENDY?? Can I trade roles with someone?
dr120706 -- Beverly, my darling... - Thank you for marrying me! - I'm the yuckiest man in the world! - Wait...I think that's supposed to be LUCKIEST! You were right the first time.
dr120707 -- So, where is the dinner theater you're going to be performing at? - It's on a BOAT! The show takes place during a harbor cruise! - That should be interesting... - Considering you get SEASICK! Whatever! The show must go on!
dr120708 -- 555-3629! 555-3629! - Hi, honeybu... Don't say anything, Ralph! I'm trying to remember a phone number! - 444-3629! 555-3629! What FOR? - 555-362*4*! I just wanted to tell you that I already ATE! - 555-362*8*! The had a deal at the Taco Place!
dr120708 -- TWO-FOR-ONE! - 555-3*241*! This is kind of fun!
dr120709 -- This murder dinner mystery cruise will be so much fun, Ralph! - Some of the diners are really actors, and during the meal, a mystery will unfold. - Half the fun is trying to figure out who the actors are! - I'm already a little suspicious
dr120709 -- of the astronaut!
dr120710 -- It's about time for us to go on, Norman! do you know your lines? - Yes, but should we rehearse the kissing scene, Wendy? NO! - By the way, can I have a breath mint? Sure, but you don't need it! - I know. here!
dr120711 -- Do you know all your lines, Norman? You have the main part-you play the murderer! - Norman? Are you OK? Is it my imagination, or is the boat rocking? - The waves are choppy. Let's go! I hear our cue! I'm getting seasick! - WHY WOULD YOU TAKE
dr120711 -- A JOB AS AN ACTOR ON A CRUISE IF YOU GET SEASICK??! Come to think of it, I also get strage fright!
dr120712 -- Ohh...I don't feel so good! I just heard our cue! We're on!! - I'm too seasick! I can't go on! You're the murderer! You HAVE to go on!! - One way or another, you're going out there!! - Oh, look, darling! There's our table! Don't I have an
dr120712 -- understudy?
dr120713 -- Norman looks kind of sickly! I'm sure it's all part of the act! - Hello, everyone! We just got married! - Kiss me, darling! Tell me you're as happy as I am! - Bleah! Boy, he's a good actor! What kind of dinner show is this??
dr120714 -- Norman, it's YOU LINE! Say something! - Ladies, and gentlemen, I have a confession to make! I am the murderer! - I can no longer carry this secret. I have a very guilty conscience, even though I'm just an actor! - I hope you enjoyed our
dr120714 -- murder mystery harbor cruise! They haven't even served the entree yet!
dr120715 -- - - - - TEE-SHIRTS - My other dog is a Rottweiler
dr120716 -- rumble squeak squeak - Here you go, dad! - I meant, bring me a washer LIKE THIS! - Oh, sorry. Besides, that's a dryer!
dr120717 -- Donuts - Nope! - I can't believe I had the willpower to not go ion! - This donut patch really works!
dr120718 -- - Wouldn't that pool be more fun if there was WATER in it? - There was water in it when I got in!
dr120719 -- Hello, pizza delivery? This is Ralph Drabble. - I'd like to order two large pizzas with the works! - Bring one at four o'clock and the other at ten o_clock. - My prescription says to take with food!
dr120720 -- - SPLOOSH! - - I wonder if cats ever get embarrassed? I'm guessing no.
dr120721 -- ...Sigh... - I'm getting old. - I used to think youth was wasted on the young. - Now I think middle age is wasted on the middle-aged!
dr120722 -- This is a very bumpy ride! - Look! I can't put my lipstick on straight, like I usually can in the car! - And I can't sign a birthday card legibly if I'm running late for the party, like I usually am! - And the way this seat is positioned, I
dr120722 -- can't reach over and honk the horn like I usually do! - No, this will never work! - How was the test drive? Apparently, this is not the car for us! - Also, it needs to be a brighter color so I can find it i the bulk club parking lot!
dr120723 -- ...Sigh... - I'm fat and balding and silly-looking! - I'm not the man I used to be! - Who do you think you used to be, exactly?
dr120724 -- I'm here to see Dr. Mercy! - Sign in, please! - Can you sign me in? I think my hand is broken! - Actually, I just didn't want to use the same pen all these sick people signed in with!
dr120725 -- First you go to the waiting room where you wait and wait and wait. - Then they finally come get you... - And take you to a little exam room where you wait and wait and wait some more. - On the bright side, there have probably been many
dr120725 -- advances in medical science since I've been here!
dr120726 -- Nothin is scarier than waiting for test results from your doctor. - If I'm OK, I promise to lead a healthier lifestyle! I'll never revert to my old ways again! - Good news, Mr. Drabble. You're fine! YES!! - GREASEBURGER
dr120727 -- The worst part about getting a shot from the doctor isn't the needle... - It's pulling off the bandage afterward! Just yank it and get it over with! People with hairy arms shouldn't get shots! Tie it to the ceiling fan, like you did with my
dr120727 -- loose tooth!
dr120728 -- chirp chirp! Good night, Patrick! - ** Good night, Penny! - vvvpp vvvppp! Good night, Norman! - There's something kind of comforting about the sound of your kids texting at night!
dr120729 -- Places our kids have discovered that they can't send a text from -> - Remote Sections of National Parks - Cruise Ships - The Parking Lot Elevator at the Mall - Driving on I-5 Through Scenic Virgin River Gorge - The Second Waterfall in the
dr120729 -- "Pirates of the Caribbean" Ride - The Back Row at Church
dr120730 -- Follow me, Wally! It's time for your bath! - I said FOLLOW ME! - - Go! I always like to get a second opinion!
dr120731 -- What smells so good in here? - It's my new scented candle. It smells like apple pie! - I love having scented candles around the house! - The only problem is your dad keeps trying to eat them!
dr120801 -- - - - I HATE it when you drive!! Why go over speed bumps when you can go AROUND them?
dr120802 -- Don't sit outside beside the glass door and look sad! - The door is OPEN! You just have to walk over here and come in! - ...Sigh... Oh yeah, huh! Score another point for cats!
dr120803 -- chirp! chirp! - Never buy a used car with bald tires. - ? - Nowadays, I don't call my kids into the den to give them fatherly advice, I just send a text!
dr120804 -- SMOOCH * - CLANK! - SPLOOSH! - It always feels a little better knowing I kissed it good bye!
dr120805 -- Excuse me! Is that your ball? - Yup! That's mine! Congratulations! You're closest to the pin! - The golfer who lands closest to the pin on the 16th hole today wins a gift certificate! - Nobody's going to beat that! Way to go! - Thank you! -
dr120805 -- WHACK! - Unfortunately, I teed-off from the 11th!
dr120806 -- I brought a raft for the pool, Ralph! - Here, throw away the boy! - Do I have to? - Well, what if you need to return it or something?
dr120807 -- RING! RING! - RING! RING! - Dang! Whoever it was hung up! People should be more considerate! - Let the phone ring enough for me to see who it is, so I can decide if I want to answer it or not!
dr120808 -- I left my husband alone with the kids all day. - I know what to expect when I get home... - Clothes on backwards, mismatched socks, dirty hands... - And that's just my husband! Thank goodness you're home!
dr120809 -- GAS - Help - How can I help you? - I'm afraid I forgot my anniversary! Some things I can't help you with!
dr120810 -- - I can't open this! - pop! Thanks. - Sometimes an man just needs to take matters into his wife's hands!
dr120811 -- SALE - I need to buy a few more golf balls! - Mr, Drabble, how many times do I have to tell you to STAY ON THE CART PATH!
dr120812 -- I'm back from the magic shop, Ralph! OK, No-Neck! - Make your place and I'll make the announcement! - Attention, passengers: we apologize for the delay here at the security checkpoint! - Our body scanner is malfunctioning. - Therefore we will
dr120812 -- have to use some alternative x-ray equipment. - Everyone please stand up and walk slowly past officer No-Neck! X-Ray Specs
dr120813 -- "Genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration." - So is your father! ...Sigh...
dr120814 -- squeak squeak squeaky -  squeaky squeaky squeak squeak squeaky squeak - squeak squeak squeak squeaky squeak - The new dog toy appears to be a hit! Wally is very easy to shop for!
dr120815 -- Sir, we'll need to do a pat-down inspection before you board the plane. - We realize this is not a popular procedure... - So we offer you a choice of 3 different pat-down styles! - Would you prefer the "patty-cake," the "alley-oop," or the
dr120815 -- "shake-n'-bake"? Surprise me.
dr120816 -- Guess what, honeybunch! My fellow airport security screeners are having their annual award banquet on Saturday! - The "pat-down" guys have awards? You betch' - What are they called? The "FRISKIES"!
dr120817 -- I've never been to an awards banquet for airport security screeners. - What should I wear? It's formal. - All screeners wear black latex gloves!
dr120818 -- This is amazing! The airport security scanners went all out on their awards banquet! - How many times do you get to walk on a RED CARPET? - In my case, every day! Oh, yeah...the donut shop considers you a V.I.P.! Welcome to the 2012 FRISKY
dr120818 -- Awards
dr120819 -- Son, you can tall a lot about a man by where he keeps his sunglasses. - Huh?? Take that guy, for instance... - He puts his sunglasses on top of his head. That shows insecurity. He's afraid to move them too far from his face! - This guy hangs
dr120819 -- them on the front of his shirt. That shows confidence! - This man puts them on the back of his collar. That means he's hiding something! - He puts them in his shirt pocket. That indicates organization and intelligence! - Where do you put YOUR
dr120819 -- sunglasses, dad? - In my back pocket!
dr120820 -- There it is, honeybunch! The FRISKY AWARD Trophy! - It's presented to the Airport Screener of the Year! - A bronzed rubber glove?? - It would look great above our fireplace! Or IN it!
dr120821 -- Do you think you'll win the award, Ralph? Probably not. - I've never won an award. - The closest I ever came was getting my tenderfoot badge in cub scouts. - But I had to return it when my pinewood derby car was disqualified for exceeding the
dr120821 -- weight limit! I'm glad you've gotten over it!
dr120822 -- They're about to announce the winner, Ralph! Maybe it'll be YOU! No chance, honeybunch! - I'm not the kind of guy who wins awards. I never get any respect. And the winner is... - ...not RALPH DRABBLE! THAT'S ME! THAT'S ME! THAT'S... -
dr120822 -- Wait...what? You have to admit that was pretty funny!
dr120823 -- And the winner of the Airport Security Screener Award is...NO-NECK! YES!! - Thank you! I am humbled to receive this award! - I'll put it next to my Mall Cop of the Year award and my Security Guard of the Year Award! - OH YEAH! WHO DA MAN?!!
dr120823 -- Yeah, that seems to have humbled him!
dr120824 -- Thank you for this award, but there is a man who deserves it more than I do. - A man who is overlooked year after year, but is a shining example of professionalism! - It's high time we recognize him and give him the credit he deserves... -
dr120824 -- SPANKY HERRERA! TAKE A BOW, SPANKY! ...Sigh... CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP
dr120825 -- ...and in conclusion, I'd like to acknowledge the other person... - He is one of the best airport security screeners around! He taught me everything I know... - RALPH DRABBLE! At last, some recognition! - Unfortunately, No-Neck's speech was
dr120825 -- so long, everyone else went home! Give him a big hand!
dr120826 -- Hi, mom! It's me! - I just wanted to call and say thank you for the wonderful birthday gifts! - I love the shirt that says "I'm with stupid". - And ate "I'm with stupid" cap. - The "I'm with stupid" apron is a riot... drum drum drum - And so
dr120826 -- is the "I'm with stupid" mug! - I must say, you're very easy to shop for! I know, but still... - This is why the concept of MOTHER-IN-LAWS DAY will never catch on!
dr120827 -- I've come down to the pawn shop today to try to sell a rare item! - Hello! I have a rare historical artifact that I would be willing to sell for the right price! - It is so valuable, I locked it inside this briefcase, and handcuffed it to my
dr120827 -- wrist! - Unfortunately, I also locked the keys inside, so you'll have to take my word for it! They all come here.
dr120828 -- So, what did you want to sell? I have in my possession the signature of Abraham Lincoln! - If it's authentic, it could be quite valuable! It's authentic, all right! - Is it signed in a book? Or on a letter? Or on a document of some kind?
dr120828 -- Even better... - He signed a baseball!
dr120829 -- What would make you think that Abraham Lincoln signed a baseball? - He probably threw out the first pitch at a Washington Nationals game! - The Washington Nationals weren't around when Lincoln was president! Oh, yeah, huh! - Then it must have
dr120829 -- been the Washington Senators!
dr120830 -- Where did you get this baseball signed by Abraham Lincoln? I bought it at a garage sale! - I immediately recognized the historical significance, and I negotiated the price down to $250! - I've never seen Lincoln's signature on a major league
dr120830 -- baseball! - I've also never seen it signed with a ballpoint pen! The value keeps rising!
dr120831 -- So you paid $250 at a garage sale for a baseball signed by ABRAHAM LINCOLN?? - That's right, and I'll sell it to you right now for $100,000! - Do you mind if I call in a buddy of mineto look at it? Is he a handwriting expert? - No, but he
dr120831 -- could use a good laugh! Make it snappy before my price goes up!
dr120901 -- I hate to tell you, but this baseball was NOT signed by Abraham Lincoln. WHAT?? - It HAS to be real! I paid $250 for it at a garage sale!! - Trust me, Abraham Lincoln NEVER signed this baseball! DANG! - I was afraid to ask him about my hockey
dr120901 -- puck signed by General Custer!
dr120902 -- I weigh exactly 249 pounds. - Hand me a donut, Norm! - I still weigh 249 pounds. - Hand me another one! - Still 249. Hand me another! - 249. One more! - *250*! OK, take one back! - I can eat three donuts without gaining a pound! You're so
dr120902 -- careful about what you eat, I'm surprised you never lose weight!
dr120903 -- Today is traditionally the last day of summer! - It's still warm. I hate to deflate the pool! - What do you think, honeybunch? Is it time to say goodbye to summer? - * It's the most wonderful time... * I'll take that as a "yes".
dr120904 -- chirp chirp! - Good luck to my kids in school this year. - chirp chirp! - some of them will need lot more than others. I'm kind of sorry I taught my dad how to tweet!
dr120905 -- Whenever I see one of these blood pressure machines, I use it! - Dang! It's a little higher than usual! - The car mechanic's waiting room might not be the best place for this! Bad news! It's gonna be another $300!
dr120906 -- chirp chirp! - - Why did you look at this text? Turn off your phone in class!! - A parent's work is never done!
dr120907 -- - HAS IT BEEN 30 MINUTES YET? - When the doctor told you to spend a half hour each day on the treadmill, he meant with it TURNED ON!
dr120908 -- Let's go, Wally! You need a bath! - Why? - You smell like a dog! - What am I SUPPOSED to smell like, a bicycle?
dr120909 -- POPULAR TEE SHOT Compliments (in descending order) - 1. Beautiful drive! Right down the middle! - 2. Not a bad drive! - 3. That'll work! - 4. At least you're on the fairway! - 5. Don't worry. We'll find it! - 6. I hope that ball knows how to
dr120909 -- swim! - 7. We've got time. Hit another! - 8. Have you ever considered bowling?
dr120910 -- Here's an interesting fact... - Ralph, listen to this... - A big meal will temporarily make our sense of hearing less sharp! - EH?
dr120911 -- boodle-dee-oop! ...Sigh... - - Hmmmno text message! - I need to pick a new text alert that doesn't sound like a noise my stomach makes. burble-urble!
dr120912 -- Today is Wednesday... - So I open the compartment that ways "W"... - And there's my daily dosage! - Dad's the only person I know who keeps M&M's in a pill box! munch munch!
dr120913 -- WHIRRRRR! - WHIRRRRR! - You dumb cat! There's no reason to be afraid of a VACUUM CLEANER!! -
dr120914 -- - - - - BUFFET Please Use a Clean Plate! I will if I can find one!
dr120915 -- You've been drinking a lot of sodas, Norm! - There's a recycling machine at the supermarket that gives you 5c per can! - The more cans we empty, the more money we make! psschht! - This explains his grade in economics! Mom! You need to go buy
dr120915 -- more soda again!
dr120916 -- - push! push! push! -  push! push! push! push! push! push! push! push! push! - ...Sigh... - Excuse me... - push - blink! - That's gonna bug me all day!
dr120917 -- ...Sigh... - There's only one thing worse than shopping at bulk club with all three of my kids on a crowded afternoon... - And that's shopping with my husband! - Wait, why do we need three big rolls of tape?
dr120918 -- Shopping at Bulk Club with my husband can be a trying experience! - Ralph! Stop touching things! - Get back here where you belong! - Now I understand why the carts at Bulk Club are larger!
dr120919 -- Here, Ralph. Have a hot dog and a soda! - Sit there and enjoy your lunch, and I'll come back to get you! - That's the reason there's a food court in Bulk Club-wives can shop in peace! - I'm done. GO BACK AND GET A CHURRO!
dr120920 -- Get me a sack of flour, please, Ralph! - Wow, that's heavy! - Hey, bring back that cart!! Meet me in the procure department!
dr120921 -- Turn down this aisle, Ralph! - shuffle! shuffle! shuffle! - You're done shopping when you can no longer turn the cart! I said, turn down this aisle!
dr120922 -- There! We got it all inside the trunk! - See? I didn't buy that much stuff! I told you it would all fit! - The front tires are no longer touching the ground! Don't worry. They will when you get in!
dr120923 -- zzyzx Wake up, Wally! It's seven A.M.. - SEVEN A.M.!? - It's time to get up and start the day! - There's work to be done! So much to do, so little time! - Things to sniff! People to bark at! - What should I do first? - I know! - My first nap
dr120923 -- of the day!
dr120924 -- There are a lot of good shows on tonight, dad! - If I were you, I'd settle into my easy chair with a big bowl of popcorn... - And I wouldn't leave it, no matter what! - Please? Sorry, son, but I wouldn't miss the opportunity to embarrass
dr120924 -- my children at 'back-to-school' night!
dr120925 -- I was a big hit at back-to-school night, Patrick! - While your mom went to Penny's class, I went to yours! - I told the teacher you were the smartest kid on earth, and then I entertained her with my Jim Rome impression! - She'll never forget
dr120925 -- me! Fortunately, I gave him the wrong room number.
dr120926 -- ...or else I could go to the mall AFTER I go to the dentist. - Yes, THAT'S what I'll do! - Sometimes I just need to hear myself talk! - Too bad you're not me. I get to hear you all day long!
dr120927 -- Do you have any specials tonight for "Taco Tuesday"? - No. How come? - It's Thursday. Oh, yeah, huh. - And this is an Italian restaurant! It never hurts to ask!
dr120928 -- skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle - zzyzx! - No wonder Wally always seems so tired... - When he's not running around, he's DREAMING he's running around! skattle skattle skattle
dr120929 -- Look, Wally! I bought a stuffed toy for you! - GRRRR! - RIP! TEAR! SHREAD! - NEXT! He got 8 seconds of fun out of it!
dr120930 -- Dad, why do You wear crazy outfits on the golf course? - It gives me a competitive edge! - It creates a distraction for my opponents! Instead of concentrating on their game, they're thinking about what I'm wearing! - Take my friend No-Neck,
dr120930 -- for instance. I beat him every time we play golf! Why? Because my outrageous attire disrupts his concentration! - You just watch! I'm going to beat him today, too! - We'll see about that, Ralph!
dr121001 -- Dad, guess what! I'm a collegiate athlete! - I made the team! WHAT team? - The intramural co-ed innertube water plo team! - Our first match is Thursday at 4:00, if you'd like to come watch me! Dang! I just happen to be free at that time!
dr121002 -- Norm, why do you sign up to play on a intramural co-ed innertube water polo team? It sounded like fun, dad! - Besides, it's a great way to meet women! What woman wouldn't be impressed?
dr121003 -- Dad, I'm practicing to play goalie for the intramural co-ed innertube water polo team! - Go ahead, dad! Take your best shot! If you insist! - BAM! - Shall I take another? OK, but this time, take your third or fourth-best shot!
dr121004 -- HI, NORMAN!! ECHO!! - I didn't know you played co-ed intramural innertube water polo! I'm the other team's goalie! - Gee, I almost hate to do this... Do what? - GOOOOAALLL!!
dr121005 -- I'm sorry about that goal I scored against you, Norman! - Yeah, that was kind of unfair, Echo! - I was surprised to see you, and I got all distracted, and... - GOOOOAAALLL!! HEY!!
dr121006 -- You're a very good water polo goalie, Norman! - I'm sorry about that first goal I scored against you. You were distracted and it wasn't fair. - Neither was the SECOND goal you scored against me! - THE OTHER 15 GOALS WERE PRETTY LEGIT, THOUGH!
dr121007 -- I'll be back in a while! - Honeybunch, do you remember the time we went to a fancy party... - And afterward you realized that you had forgotten to put on your makeup... - And you were horrified that you went out in public looking so
dr121007 -- terrible... - And you told me that if you ever tried to leave the house again looking that bad, that I should tell you? - Yes. Well, I just need to say... - You look great! - Wimp. I prefer to think of myself as a survivor!
dr121008 -- I know you're excited for Halloween, but it's only October 8th! It's too early to start wearing your costume. - ...assuming that's a costume! Sorry! I just can't wait!
dr121009 -- I'm done with my shower! OK. - I need to look into the mirror before I go to work! - Not bad! - At my age, I only look in the mirror when it's fogged-up!
dr121010 -- Daddy, can we get a pumpkin? - It's still too early, Penny! - Halloween CANDY Yes! My favorite! If it's too early for a pumpkin, it's too early for Halloween candy! -
dr121011 -- And on Friday, my sister's family is coming for dinner. - Then on Saturday we're spending the day at my mother's! - BLAM! - Another stress ball bites the dust!
dr121012 -- Here, dad. Hold this! - Perfect! That can be your Halloween costume this year! - What am I supposed to be? - A "before" picture!
dr121013 -- - Can I throw away this graduation announcement from 2011? - Not yet. I keep forgetting to send a gift! - I don't know what's older: The stuff IN the refrigerator, or the stuff ON the refrigerator!
dr121014 -- I'm really looking forward to having dinner at this new restaurant, Ralph! - Uh-oh... What? - I forgot my wallet! - I guess we'll have to drive all the way home! ...Sigh... - I can't believe it! I've been doing all sorts of dumb things
dr121014 -- lately! - What's WRONG with me?? - Well, you're irresponsible, yo...tting old, you're not the brightest sp...to begin with, you're somewhat car...thinking about something stupid, you...brain called, you're embarrassingly ... clueless, you tend
dr121014 -- to space out like a...and you are very easily distracted...ax, and another thing... That probably wasn't the best question to pose to my wife!
dr121015 -- Why doesn't the ref blow the whistle?! - Steinbauer is a lousy referee.  He doesn't see a thing! - I WILL NOT TOLERATE VERBAL ABUSE FROM THE PARENTS! CONSIDER YOURSELF WARNED! - He HEARS everything, though!
dr121016 -- Bad call, ref! That's all I'm going to take from you, Ralph! - What are you going to do? Give me a yellow card? Better... - DUCT TAPE! Leave that over your mouth for 15 MINUTES! - PLAY ON! Dang! I'm going to miss the halftime snack!
dr121017 -- The soccer ref put duct tape over my mouth! How am I supposed to show my displeasure? - I'll intimidate him with my eyes! - -
dr121018 -- The ref put tape over my mouth because I was critical of his officiating! - He can't see what's happening on the field, but he can hear every comment from the sidelines! - Soccer refs compensate for their poor vision by sharpening their other
dr121018 -- senses! - I PERCEIVED THAT THOUGHT!
dr121019 -- PUT IN YOUR CONTACTS, REF!! - 15-minute duct tape penalty for Mrs. Drabble! - skrik! Uh-oh. It's been a rough game! - I don't have enough tape left to cover her entire mouth! No comment from me!
dr121020 -- Your 15-minute penalty is over! - I'll remove the tape from your mouth! - RIP! - OW! That's my favorite part!
dr121021 -- - - - - - - You'd finish a lot quicker if you'd use a rake, dad! - Id your grandma still here? Yes, she's showing everyone her vacation photos. - I'll do it this way!
dr121022 -- I like the early morning! - Honeybunch looks so peaceful when she's asleep! - I'd better be quiet! It would be a shame to wake her up and shatter such blissful tranquility. - Not hers, MINE!
dr121023 -- skattle skattle - skattle skattle - Pardon Wally. He's a little hyper! - Sometimes it's best to acknowledge the wiener dog in the room! skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle
dr121024 -- - It looked better at the pumpkin farm! - Don't tell me...please don't tell me... - She's actually exchanging a pumpkin!
dr121025 -- - - ACHOO! - Does anyone have a tissue? OH, FOR HEAVEN SAKES!
dr121026 -- - carve carve carve - We should have bought a bigger pumpkin! How come? - I've only carved one eye and I'm already running out of room!
dr121027 -- I don't know whether to eat a bowl of ice cream BEFORE I rake the leaves or AFTER. - If I eat it now, I can burn off the calories! But if you wait, you'll probably enjoy it more! - I've reached the perfect compromise! - I'll eat a bowl of ice
dr122027 -- cream while NORMAN rakes the leaves!
dr121028 -- Have you ever heard about "The Missiles of October"? Sure! - In our house, it's the MISTLETOE of October! - Can't we get past HALLOWEEN before you start putting up the CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS?
dr121029 -- I've got to hand it to you, honeybunch...I've looked all through this house and I still haven't found where you hid the Halloween candy! - Congratulations! It took many years, but I finally discovered the best place to hide something from
dr121029 -- Ralph!
dr121030 -- Trick or treat! Last year you ate all the Halloween candy before we got here, so you told us to come early this year! - Not THIS early!!
dr121031 -- Trick or treat! Sorry, kid. You're way too late! - You must be new to the neighborhood! I always eat all the candy before anyone gets here! - But here's a souvenir of your visit! - I trick-or-treated at Ralph Drabble's house and all I got was
dr121031 -- this lousy t-shirt!
dr121101 -- Thanks again for rescuing me! - Nightfall was coming and panic was setting in. I'm glad my cell phone still had reception! - At least you'll have a story to tell! Yeah, but I probably won't! I'm sure you're not the first person to call 9-1-1
dr121101 -- after getting lost in a corn maze!
dr121102 -- WALLY! - WALLY! - How come you never come when I call your name? That's my name? - I thought my name was "Wally, you dumb dog"!
dr121103 -- And another thing, when something isn't good, why do they call it CHEESY? Or a bunch of BALONEY? Or CORNY? And why is a bad actor called a HAM? - Quiet! Somebody's coming! - It's probably time to clean out the fridge when the food starts
dr121103 -- conversing!
dr121104 -- SUPERMARKET No waiting on checkstand 3! - Well! What have we here? - "You are the love of my life, my one and only..." - HEY, BOBBY! COME TAKE A LOOK AT *THIS* ONE! - OH, GIMME THAT CARD BACK!! - A guy should never take a mushy card for his
dr121104 -- wife to a male check-out clerk! - sniff! ...Sigh...
dr121105 -- ...and the contestant going home tonight is... - HEY! THE SHOW STOPPED! Not again! What happened?! - The show ran long and the DVR stopped recording! - That's reason #86 why TV was better when I was a kid! What are the other reasons, dad?
dr121105 -- Don't get him started!
dr121106 -- I can't believe it! The DVR stopped recording right before they announced which contestant was voted off! - I guess the show ran a little too long! - How on earth could the RESULTS SHOW run too long?? - There's only one minute of SHOW, and 59
dr121106 -- minutes of FILLER! Apparently, tonight they had *59.5* minutes of filler!
dr121107 -- TV was better when I was a kid! They had *TV* when you were a kid, dad? - Yes they did, and everything was better about it! - Did you have remote control? Of course I had a remote control!! - It was a long stick!
dr121108 -- TV was way better when I was a kid! - Nowadays, you never know what kind of objectionable material will appear on the screen! - When I was a kid, parents could leave their kids in front of the TV for hours on end! - And that was a GOOD
dr121108 -- thing?? Actually, my mother set a strict limit of only 12 hours a day!
dr121109 -- TV shows were better when I was a kid! Today they all rely on crude humor! - TV writers who resort to gross-out gags are admitting that they have no talent! - Excerpt from 10-25 Drabble-Ed. ACHOO! Does anyone have a tissue? Oh, for heaven's
dr121109 -- sake! I said *TV* writers, not COMIC STRIP writers!
dr121110 -- Dad, how can you say TV was better when you were a kid?! - When you were a kid, you only got to watch "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" once a year! - When it was over, you had to wait twelve months to see it again! - We can watch it
dr121110 -- over and over and over! He's got me there!
dr121111 -- Time for my annual tradition... - Every year, I try to "kick" my age. - I'm 45, so this year, I will attempt a 45-yard field goal! - So far, I've never missed! The day I can't make it is the day I'm officially an old man! - BOOT! - - - Well?
dr121111 -- Are you still young? I couldn't tell. Apparently I'm old enough to need glasses!
dr121112 -- Thank you all for coming to our neighborhood emergency preparedness team! - Every day, we hear reports of fires, floods and earthquakes. - But if we look out for each other, we might be able to withstand the next disaster! - Sorry I'm late.
dr121112 -- Where are the snacks? - Speaking of disasters! Hi, Mr. Steinbauer.
dr121113 -- Emergency Preparedness Meeting Come In! The key to preparing for an emergency is to get our neighborhood organized! - I will server as BLOCK CAPTAIN! Wait a minute! Why are YOU the block captain?? - I think *I* should be in a position of
dr121113 -- leadership! OK, Steinbauer! - You can be the BLOCKHEAD! That's more like it! Wait-what?
dr121114 -- It's important to prepare for a disaster BEFORE it happens! - What would you do if your water supply was cut off? - No problem! I've got a 100-foot hose. I'd just attach it to my neighbor's spigot, and take all the water I want! - That might
dr121114 -- not work, Steinbauer! It DOES work! How do you think I keep my water bills so low?!
dr121115 -- To prepare for a disaster, we should all have a six-month supply of food in our garage! - Do YOU have a six-month supply, Ralph? I most certainly do! - Come to think of it, it's more like a TWO-month supply! - I've been doing some snacking!
dr121115 -- No wonder you spend so much time in the garage!
dr121116 -- The key to surviving a disaster is having neighbors who care about one another! - Speaking of that, did you ever find a job, Sulpherdale? As a matter of fact, I did. - Good! Then you'll have no excuse for not buying my daughter's girl scout
dr121116 -- cookies next year! - Well, maybe YOU should buy a muzzle for your stupid dog! Whose dog are you calling stupid?!! This disaster meeting is a disaster!
dr121117 -- I'm passing around a sign-up sheet... - Every neighbor should write their name and phone number so we can contact each other in case of emergency! - I'm not going to give out personal information! I'll end up on some telemarketing list! - How
dr121117 -- do YOU suggest we contact each other after a disaster? Let's practice our screaming!
dr121118 -- WALLY - Purrrrr - Purrrrr - ROWF! - - Almost. - POOMF! - Just two inches from the ceiling! I'll have to bark louder next time!
dr121119 -- They posted the playoff schedule for intramural co-ed inntertube water polo! - Oh, no! Our team is scheduled to play Echo's team in the first round! - The last time I played goalie against Echo's team, she scored 17 goals against me! - She's
dr121119 -- pretty good! Hey, one of those goals was just LUCK!
dr121120 -- Remember, Norman, if we lose this game, we're out of the playoffs! - There's no tomorrow! It's do or die! - If you play as poorly against Echo's team as you did last time, we'll cut you from the team and never speak to you again! - Thanks for
dr121120 -- the pep talk. And we'll pop your innertube!
dr121121 -- Hey, Echo, you know how you scored 17 goals against me last game? *18*, but who's counting? - This time, don't try so hard to score on me, OK? Why?? That would be patronizing! - I'd be treating you as an inferior! You wouldn't want me to do
dr121121 -- that, would you? - Well? WOULD YOU?? I'm thinking it over!
dr121122 -- I can't believe Norman asked me to go easy on him while he plays goalie! - Why would he not want me to play to my full potential? - It's just a game! Why would... - Remember, Norman, if Echo scores another 17 goals against you, you're off the
dr121122 -- team!
dr121123 -- If I score a bunch of goals against Norman, they'll throw him off the team! - But it wrong not to play to my full potential! - SHOOT, ECHO! SHOOT!! - NICE PASS! Whew!
dr121124 -- I have a wide open shot! - If I score, Norman's tram will lose and he'll get the blame. If I DON'T shoot, everyone will know I took pity on him! - There's only one thing to do! -
dr121125 -- - - - What's wrong with you? - I'm trying to be a jerk! - Earlier you got mad at me and told me not to be a jerk, so I've been trying ever since! - It's not working! - Telling someone not to be a jerk is like telling someone not to think of a
dr121125 -- purple elephant!
dr121126 -- - I missed! How did THAT happen?? I never miss! - I won't miss next time! - CO-ed intramural innertube water polo is not for the faint of heart!
dr121127 -- I've missed two shots in a row! What's going on here?? - Could it be that I'm subconsciously afraid to score because it would make Norman look like a bad goalie? - No. - I'm CONSCIOUSLY afraid of it!
dr121128 -- Norman, I overheard your teammates tell you they'd cut you from the team if I scored a bunch of goals. - That's why I haven't been able to shoot straight today! - GOOOAAALL! - Whew! Now that I know what the problem is, I feel so much better!
dr121128 -- Crud!
dr121129 -- Oh, no! Echo is unstoppable! She scored 4 goals in 2 minutes! - If she scores again, she'll tie the game! Fortunately, there's only going to be time for one more shot! - BE READY, NORMAN! - Say what? ZING!
dr121130 -- BAM - NICE BLOCK, NORMAN! WE WON THE GAME! - What game? You have the imprint of the ball on the side of your face! - That's using your head! I still have a head?
dr120101 -- Norm! Why do you have the imprint of a water polo ball on your face? - Echo fired a last-second shot, and I blocked it with my head. - That's not even the worst part! - I also have a bad case of swim-cap hair!
dr120102 -- Klutzy - Kick in the shins Sorry. - Sore Knees *** - Knots unties - score Keister - pain Killers - first aid Kit - Keep going (even though you feel like you're gonna die!) - Kaput! You finished last, and we're out of water! - How was the 10-K
dr120102 -- run? The most Knuckle-headed things I've ever done!
dr121203 -- The marks on your face from the water polo ball are starting to fade! - Sorry I shot it so hard, but I really wanted to score another goal! - I'm very competitive, in case you hadn't noticed! OH, I've noticed! - When intramural co-ed
dr121203 -- dodgeball season rolls around, I want to be on YOUR team!
dr121204 -- It's migrating time! - It's the time of year when millions of birds are taking off for warmer climates. - I'm just sayin'. - And I'm just ignorin'.
dr121205 -- I smell rain outside! - You SMELL rain?? - That explains it... - I thought I heard some clouds a little while ago! How'd you like to feel some stars?
dr121206 -- - Darn! It's stupid-looking! - How can it be stupid-looking? YOU PICKED IT OUT!! - I picked you out, too! Good point!
dr121207 -- Dad, where are the scissors? I don't know. Why? - Mom told me to trim the Christmas tree! - She meant with ORNAMENTS! Oh yeah, huh! - That boy is a few snowflakes short of a white Christmas!
dr121208 -- - - lap lap lap lap lap - Good news, honeybunch! The tree is finally drinking water!
dr121209 -- Shoes?! - Jacket??! - Purse?!! - Where's everybody going??!! - You're not all going away and leaving me, are you?? - I hate it when you all go away! I'd be happy to go with you wherever you're going! Please don't leave me alone! - Wanna go,
dr121209 -- Wally? YES! - - You sure get excited to see your leash! "Relived" is more like it! Sweet! I finally get the house to myself!
dr121210 -- ** ...4 body scanners, 3 pat-downs, 2 beeping wands... - ...and a pair of latex gloves! ** - Can we just board the plane already?! I thought the T.S.A. holiday choir would be a bigger hit!
dr121211 -- The tree is decorated with gifts underneath. - I'd better put up the baby gate! - Aren't you embarrassed that we have to go to so much trouble to keep you from getting into things? "Embarrassed is not in a Wiener dog's vocabulary!
dr121212 -- yawn! - scratch scratch - - I miss the good old days when I still resembled a human being!
dr121213 -- Airtravel has become a night mare! - Excuse me, sir...don't you know that this is the hap-happiest time of year? Your attitude needs adjusting! - I'm afraid I'll have to issue you a holiday spirit violation! - Holiday spirit violation???
dr121213 -- You'll board the plane last. Good luck finding an overhead compartment!
dr121214 -- click! whirrr! Why did you turn on the dishwasher? - I read that the best time to run it is in the evening! - Running it during non-peak hours helps conserve energy! That's good, son... But next time, put some DISHES in it!
dr121215 -- BAM BAM BAM - CRACK CLANK CRASH CLINK CLANK - Here at the airport security Christmas party, The pinata is filled with confiscated travel items! Ooh! Tiny scissors! A bottle of shampoo! Toenail clippers!
dr121216 -- - - - - - Here. - CLOMP! - You're so impatient! Well, it took you long enough to unwrap it for me!
dr121217 -- BOP! - BOP! - BOP! - I love the holidays! BOP! - GET OUT OF THE TREE YOU DUMB CAT!
dr121218 -- - Merry Christmas From the Drabbles! - This is kind of sad! Well, everyone else gets to send photo cards from exotic locations!
dr121219 -- - - Please stop playing with Patrick's remote-controlled helicopter!
dr121220 -- We're out of wrapping paper, mom! - How am I supposed to wrap dad's gift` Find something else to wrap it with! - Like what? Anything! - How's this? Anything but saran wrap!
dr121221 -- Actually, I think it's impossible to give someone a partridge in a pear tree. However, I DO think you can give someone a pear tree with a partridge in it! - Sorry to interrupt. Carry on! - * On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to
dr121221 -- me... ** Something tells me this is going to take a while!
dr121222 -- Something wrong, Penny? - After careful examination, I see that Patrick has six presents under the tree, and I only have FIVE! - But your five gifts outweigh my six gifts by a total of 14 ounces! I wish they put this much research into their
dr121222 -- school assignments!
dr121223 -- Do you really think Santa will fill up your sweatpants, dad? - Santa and his eight tiny reindeer couldn't fill those sweatpants!
dr121224 -- Remember that go-cart I brought you back in '73? Yeah, that was my favorite gift forever! - Well, I need to get back to work! It's nice to visit with you every Christmas eve, Ralph! - Same here, Santa! It's good to know some things never
dr121224 -- change! chirp! chirp! - Dang, it's the wife! How does she expect me to text in mittens? I guess some things have changed!
dr121225 -- romp! romp! romp! - skattle skattle skattle skattle - Oh, to be a child on Christmas! Or a wiener dog!
dr121226 -- Hey, let's go outside and see if Santa's reindeer ate the carrots we left them! - THEY DID! What's that next to the plate?? - It's a home owners association VIOLATION! - Apparently, it's illegal to feed the wildlife! YOU'RE A RIOT,
dr121226 -- STEINBAUER!
dr121227 -- You sure spend a lot of time looking at that stupid smartphone! I know! - By the time I read the news, sports, Facebook, Twitter, E-Mail, texts, Instagram and Snapchat... - It's time to check it all again, so I start over! - The circle of no
dr121227 -- life!
dr121228 -- Gather round, kids! I'm wearing my fatherly advice outfit! Why do we need fatherly advice? - It's my duty! If *I* don't give you fatherly advice, who will? - How about mom? Okay! Hey! You're stretching out my sweater!
dr121229 -- Hey, you dumb cat! I have a nice, soft bed, and you don't! - pick! - RIP! -
dr121230 -- I'm finally back! - I went to the supermarket earlier to buy stuff for dinner... - But when I got home, I realized that I had forgotten to buy one key ingredient! - So I went all the way back to the store and waited in line all over again! -
dr121230 -- But at least now I have everything I need to make you a delicious dinner! - I'm not hungry. I grabbed a cheeseburger on the way home! - Why do you smell like nutmeg? I just had a can of it poured down my pants.
dr121231 -- ...3...2...1... HAPPY NEW YEAR!! - Now go to bed! - It's only 9:45! - Suddenly they can tell time! Just because we're late for school every day doesn't mean we can't tell time!
dr130101 -- Did you make any resolutions? Nope. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. - Did YOU make any resolutions? Yes, to quit barking! - BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK - That only lasted for one day! Yeah, but it's about a week in dog's years!
dr130102 -- When the family goes away, I'm afraid they'll never c