dr000101 -- How long do we have to stay in the basement, Ralph? Until this Y2K thing blows over! - Trust me, it's pandemonium out there. We might even be the last people on earth! - Fortunately, I've stockpiled enough supplies to last us for a year! -
dr000101 -- Dad, Norman ate all the 'Cheetos'! YOU ATE A YEAR'S SUPPLY OF 'CHEETOS' IN HALF AN HOUR? I had the munchies!
dr000102 -- The year 2000! I can't believe it! - All my life, I've dreamed about what things would be like in the 21st century, and now I know! Dad... - I MADE IT! RALPH DRABBLE HAS LIVED TO SEE THE NEW MILLENIUM!! Dad... - Forgive me foe getting so
dr000102 -- emotional, boys, but this is the greatest experience of my life! Dad. - What? My teacher says that the new millennium and the 21st century don't officially start until 2001! - - YOU MEAN I GOTTA STAY ALIVE FOR ANOTHER WHOLE YEAR??? Sorry.
dr000102 -- Better cut back on the donuts!
dr000103 -- In preparation for the Y2K disaster, I stored enough food down here to last an average family for one year. - Unfortunately, Norman has already eaten all the 'Cheetos'... - And I'm ashamed to admit that I just polished off the beef jerky and
dr000103 -- 'Pop Tards'! - Ralph, what are you saying? For lunch tomorrow, we're going to have to eat the cat!
dr000104 -- As you know, the Y2K bug has thrown the world into chaos. - Since I had the foresight to lead you all to the basement, we are probably the last people alive. - Therefore, I think our first order of business is to appoint a supreme leader of
dr000104 -- planet earth. I believe the choice is clear... - Congratulations, mom! I was talking about ME!!
dr000105 -- Dad, why do we have to stay down here? Trust me, it's bedlam out there! - Madison Avenue has worked people into a frenzy over this Y2K thing. I think there's a lot of money to be made in frightening weak-minded people! - So we'll stay her in
dr000105 -- the storm cellar until things blow over. I didn't even know we had a storm cellar! - We didn't until I brought this official Y2K do-it-yourself storm cellar kit!
dr000106 -- - Hey, the world didn't come to an end! in fact, everything looks pretty normal! - I think we can all come out now, dad! - Good! I was getting pretty gamy! We were only down there for six hours!
dr000107 -- Whoa! It's my arch enemy, the evil SOCKFOOT! - This will be a fight to the finish! - I will bite and scratch and kick and bite some more!! snarl claw! - This cat is very lucky my foot is asleep! I will never let go!! bite bite
dr000108 -- Dad, what's the sunshine state` Florida. - Baseball great pee wee... Reese - Mitchum of the movies... Robert. - I love doing crossword puzzles! How do you know?
dr000109 -- - SLUG BUG! Ow! - What did you hit me for?? I saw a bug car! - It's a fun game, dad! Whenever you see a bug car, you have to slug the person next to you and say "Slug Bug" before he slugs YOU! - That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!
dr000109 -- Don't play childish games like that with me while I'm driving!! - You're almost 20 years old! Mix in some maturity, for cryin' out loud! - Good heavens! There's a time and a place for... - SLUG BUG!
dr000110 -- 'bye, dad! Where do you think YOU'RE going? - To the mall. Not until you put your cap on the right way! - Aww, dad! Everyone wears them like that! Sorry. - The only person who looks good in a backward baseball cap is Yogi Berra! ...Sigh...
dr000111 -- - - BOO! - 4 feet 8 3/4 inches...a new record for the startled kitty high jump!
dr000112 -- Your total comes to $4.95 - Excuse me... - ASCHOO! - May I take your order? I'd like a cheeseburger and a flu shot!
dr000113 -- Show us how fast you can run, Wally! - run run run run! skattle skattle skattle! - skattle skattle skattle skattle - Congratulations, Wally. You just shattered the four-minute yard. pant pant Dachshunds weren't built for speed!
dr000114 -- - AWWW!! - Someone got up in the middle of the night and ate all the M&M's in the candy dish! - Who would do such a thing! maybe we have mice! munch munch More like a big rat!
dr000115 -- chuckle chuckle! - - BOOOF! - I should know better than to try to eat soup when I'm watching 'The Munsters'!
dr000116 -- Ralph, before we eat, let's all silently join hands for a few moments. - - - - - - - - - AAUUGHH I guess it's hard for dad to sit still that long when there's food on the table!
dr000117 -- Dad, I have exciting news! - I just found out that the 21st century does not officially start until NEXT YEAR!! Do you know what this means?? - It means there is still a possibility that I could make ESPN's list of the greatest athletes of
dr000117 -- the 20th century!! - I'll be out practicing my Badminton serve, if anyone needs me! there's very little chance anyone will need you.
dr000118 -- Fetch, Wally! - skattle skattle - skattle skattle skattle - skattle skattle skattle - skattle skattle -
dr000119 -- Wally, get out of the kitchen! - skattle skattle skattle skattle - skattle skattle skattle skattle - The only thing slower than a wiener dog is a wiener dog on a linoleum floor!
dr000120 -- run run run run - skattle skattle skattle skattle - It's nice to have a dog to go jogging with! skattle skattle skattle
dr000121 -- 'M&M's, crackers and aerosol cheese, and diet soda. - I don't know what to say, Ralph, other than... - don't ever make me breakfast in bed again! Here...I couldn't find any napkins!
dr000122 -- - skattle skattle skattle - skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle - Why did they have to put my water dish way over there? Keep going! You should be there by February!
dr000123 -- The red light is flashing on our new answering machine. That means we have a message. - I can never figure out which button to push to listen to incoming messages! beep! - Hi! You've reached the Drabbles! We can't come to the phone, but if
dr000123 -- you'll leave you name and... That wasn't the right button... . beep beep beep! Oops! Now I think I erased our outgoing message! - beep beep beep beep Darn! Which button is it?? Skip?? Play?? Record?? How come I can never figure anything out??
dr000123 -- - I GIVE UP! WHY AM I SO STUPID?? - RING! click! I GIVE UP! WHY AM I SO STUPID?? boop! - I'll offer my hypothesis, but I may run out of tape!
dr000124 -- knock knock knock! Grammy's here! - I'm glad your mother is coming to visit, honeybunch, I just hope she doesn't bring her... - FLASH - camera! OK, everyone gather around for a group shot!
dr000125 -- Say cheese! Cheeeeeeeezz - - WILL YOU HURRY UP AND... FLASH - Way to go, Ralph! Now we have to do it again! Nobody move until I reload!
dr000126 -- FLASH FLASH FLASH FLASH FLASH FLASH - Did the flash work? Who said that? Wow, Grammy sure likes to take pictures!
dr000127 -- Ralph, you look so cute in your mall cop outfit! Let me take your picture! - Actually, I'm kind of late, Grammy... It won't take a minute! Say cheese! - Cheeeeeeese! cli... - Rats! I'm out of film again! Wait here while I look through my
dr000127 -- suitcases!
dr000128 -- Quick, Wally! While Grammy's not looking, run next door and bury her camera in Steinbauer's yard! RUN! - skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle - Why is Wally jogging in
dr000128 -- place with my camera? I need to get this dog some track shoes! skattle skattle skattle
dr000129 -- Ralph, have you seen my camera? - Ca...ca...camera?? Why, no! I haven't seen it anywhere, Grammy! I can't imagine what could've happened to it! - Odd...it's like it just disappeared! - Oh, well...fortunately, I brought a spare! Say cheese!
dr000130 -- Daddy, look at my family homework project! Family homework?? - You guys have to help me decorate these snowflakes! - Read the instructions. - "Using whatever materials you like, decorate the snowflakes to go on display in the classroom." -
dr000130 -- "Some possibilities are: pipe cleaners, colored paper, paint, fabric, feathers, macaroni, beans, crayons, markers, glitter glue, etc. This is supposed to be a fun activity, not an added stress in your life." - HEE HEE HEE HEE What are you
dr000130 -- laughing at? - "Not an added stress..." GLITTER GLUE!! WE'RE OUT OF GLITTER GLUE!!!
dr000131 -- Oh. look! Ralphie's taking a bubble bath! - Sorry to bug you, but I have to take a picture! FLASH - How adorable! Grammy puts the "bug" in Shutterbug!
dr000201 -- I can't understand why my cameras keep disappearing! snicker snicker! - Beats me, Grammy...I certainly had nothing to do with it! - Things seem to just disappear around here all the time! - Well, it's a good thing I also brought my CAMCORDER!
dr000201 -- Wave, Ralph!
dr000202 -- One last picture! Say cheese! Cheeeez! Flash! - Good bye! I love you all! 'bye, Grammy! - It's ad when Grammy goes away. Don't be sad, Penny... - Grammy never goes away, she just pauses to reload!
dr000203 -- Ralph, you're going to spoil your dinner! How many pieces of can have you eaten? - Only two or three! If you say two or three, that means nine or ten! - That isn't true! - Tho or three means seven or eight! FIVE OR SIX means nine or ten!
dr000204 -- Hello? - Oh, hello, Norman! - I know you too well. Only YOU would call me and then be too wimpy to say anything. Thanks for calling. Hang up the phone now. - And then wipe that stupid look off your face!
dr000205 -- Wendy thinks I'm a wimp. I need to change her perception of me by doing something bold and daring. - I know! I'll start combing my hair from the opposite side! - - On the other hand, there's no need to go overboard!
dr000206 -- Cats are better than dogs! - Cats are calm, cool and collected! - Cats are aloof! - Cats have dignity! - - - AAAAAHHH They have dignity, until you roll a pingpong ball across the floor!
dr000207 -- scribble scribble scribble What are you writing, Norman? - In honor of Valentine's Day, Wendy, I'm writing a poem about your our relationship! - "Slow dance"..."Sew pants"..."Go ants"... - Huh? I'm trying to give you something that rhymes
dr000207 -- with "no chance".
dr000208 -- I have made the bold decision to give Wendy a Valentine's card! - Are you going to sign it? Of course I'm going to sign it! - Let's see, now...how should I sign a Valentine's card to the woman I love? - Best regards, Norman J. Drabble. (The
dr000208 -- guy who sits next to you in world history) That ought to melt her heart!
dr000209 -- What's that?? - A Valentine's card?? - Happy ***** day to the woman I ****. I **** you more than *** *** and I am ***** to **** you *******! - I edited out all the embarrassing parts! How wimpy can you get??
dr000210 -- Wendy thinks I'm a complete wimp. - Won't she be surprised at the courage I display by giving her a box of candy for Valentine's day! - - Although, I suppose throwing it in her yard and running away isn't the most romantic approach!
dr000211 -- *Ahem* Wendy...as you know...uh...well...Valentine's day is coming up...so...uh... - I was wondering...well...I mean...I was thinking...um...if you'd like to...uh...well...see... - That is...if you're not busy...uh...well, maybe we
dr000211 -- could...you know...sort of...well... - Maybe...you know...sort of...uh...errr... Back in 15 Minutes
dr000212 -- Norman, I'm going out on Valentine's day... - Since you'll be home, will you record a TV show for me on your VCR? - What makes you think I'LL be home on Valentine's day?? - Call it a hunch. Nice hunch.
dr000213 -- ! - skattle skattle skattle skattle - skattle skattle skattle skattle - skattle skattle skattle - skattle skattle skattle - I thought ducks were supposed to flee in terror when a dog comes running at them! That was running?
dr000214 -- You wanted some fatherly advice, son? Yes, dad... - Wendy thinks I'm a wimp, and I don't know how to change her opinion of me. - Son, my advice to you is to be bold! Don't be afraid to ask for a date! She may say no, but she can't call you a
dr000214 -- WIMP anymore! - A LOSER, maybe, but not a WIMP! "Loser" would be an improvement!
dr000215 -- Wendy...will you...uh...what I'm trying to say is...will you...uh... SIGH - Be bold, son! - Will you marry me? - MARRY you? I said BOLD, not INSANE!!!
dr000216 -- That's right, I just proposed marriage! Pretty bold and daring, isn't it?! - I guess that blows your theory that I'm a wimp, doesn't it?! - So what do you say, Wendy? Yes or no?? - Yes. HA! I knew you'd say no because you...WHAT??!!
dr000217 -- Did you just accept my marriage proposal??? On the condition that we elope to Las Vegas immediately! - Why???? Because I know you'll wimp out! The only question is how long it will take you! - Let's go! I'm betting you'll wimp out  before we
dr000217 -- even get in the car! Well, you're wrong! - I refuse to wimp-out until we're at least out of the parking garage!
dr000218 -- I can't believe you want to marry me! I DON'T want to marry you. - The only reason I accepted your marriage proposal was to call your bluff! - I have no doubt that you'll wimp out before we get to Las Vegas! - Three things in life a certain:
dr000218 -- death, taxes, and Norman Drabble will wimp out! That's it! I could fake my own death!
dr000219 -- Hello? ...oh, hi, Norm! Where are you? - BARSTOW?? What are you doing in Barstow?? - ...you're on your way to Las Vegas to get married? Wow, congratulations! - I gotta go, Norm. Your mom just fainted. Drop a nickel in the slot machine for me,
dr000219 -- OK?
dr000220 -- Good morning, Nor... - DO NOT SAY ANOTHER WORD!!! - I crammed all night for today's exam, and my brain is now filled to capacity! - I cannot squeeze another bit of information into my head! - If one more thought enters my mind, it will
dr000220 -- displace something that's already in there! - I took a bubble bath last night. Rats! There went the Kansas-Nebraska Act!
dr000221 -- My fiancee and I would each like a chocolate shake, please! - Oh, you're engaged? We're on our way to Las Vegas to get married! - Not really. I only accepted his proposal because I know he'll  wimp out, thus proving once and for all that he's
dr000221 -- the biggest wimp on the face of the earth! - Whatever! Do you mind if my pet duck comes to live with us, darling?
dr000222 -- Norman, we're about to cross the Nevada state line. Don't you feel the slightest urge to wimp out, yet? Nope. - I fact, I've been thinking...after we get married, we're going to need a place to live. - Can we move in with YOUR parents? - I
dr000222 -- don't think you'd like living with mine, on account of my dad likes to walk around in the house in his underwear! As soon as you feel like wimping out, go for it!
dr000223 -- I can't believe we're in Las Vegas. And there's a wedding chapel! - The "Burnin' Love Marriage Chapel"! Marriages performed by an authentic Elvis impersonator! Come on, let's go! - Hi! _If we pay you in cash, will you marry us right now?
dr000223 -- Uh-huh! - Right this way, y'all! I'm impressed, Norman. You're obviously going to wait until the last second to wimp out!
dr000224 -- Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband? Oh, sure. - And do you, Norman, take this woman... Norman, it's OK to wimp out, now! You've proven your point! - To be your lawfully wedded wife? I promise never to call you a wimp
dr000224 -- again! You da'man! Now call it off and let's go home! - I do. I now pronounce y'all husband and wife! AAAUUGH!!
dr000225 -- You may kiss the bride. NO, HE MAYN'T!! I "mayn't"? - This can't be happening! Please tell me I didn't just marry Norman Drabble! Please, please tell me we're not married!! - Y'all are married! Have a nice day, now! - I WANT A DIVORCE!! What,
dr000225 -- and throw away the best 20 seconds of our lives??
dr000226 -- I can't believe we got MARRIED!! How are we going to get out of this?? - Wendy, Wendy, Wendy...relax! There's a simple explanation  for all of this! Isn't it obvious? This is all a... - Editor's Note: Cartoonist is hereby reminded that this
dr000226 -- storyline may not end as another "Dream Sequence". According to contractual agreement, if the cartoonist draws himself into a corner, he may resort to lame "Dream Sequence" ending only once every ten years. So, don't even THINK about it! -
dr000226 -- Never mind! My life is over.
dr000227 -- Every golfer needs a good caddie. - A good caddie knows the game of golf forwards and backwards. - A good caddie knows what the golfer wants almost instinctively! They are one of mind. - Give me a sand wedge, Norm. - Right! - - ? - Is ham and
dr000227 -- cheese OK? ...Sigh...
dr000228 -- Rats! I'm down 35 cents! Sorry, Wendy. This isn't a good day to begin marriage! - Cocktails! Cocktails! Would you care for a cocktail, ma'am? - BUZZ OFF, BLONDIE! I'VE GOT A LOT ON MY MIND!! - I apologize for my wife. She's a bit uptight
dr000228 -- because we just accidentally got married! His wife! Happens all the time!
dr000229 -- I can't believe we got married! Why didn't you wimp out like you were supposed to do?? Wendy, one day, I'm sure we'll look back on this and laugh! - Ladies and gentlemen...I've been told we have newlyweds dining with us tonight... -
dr000229 -- Congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. Drabble! - Sorry to make a scene, but that pushed me over the edge. I sure hope this town has an accordeon repairman!
dr000301 -- This is a nightmare! By a cruel twist of fate, I find myself in Las Vegas, married to Norman Drabble! - Maybe if I remain calm, I'll be able to think of a reasonable solution to all this. - I've got it! - Where are you going? The MIRAGE to
dr000301 -- throw myself into a volcano!
dr000302 -- I can't believe I'm married to Norman Drabble. My worst nightmare has become a reality. My life is ruined. - Maybe it's not so bad. Maybe I could make it work... - Maybe it won't be so horrible being married to Norman. - Wendy, guess what!
dr000302 -- This hotel has an arcade! I think I'll go back to the wedding chapel and plead insanity!
dr000303 -- Hello...you've got to help us! We got married here earlier today, and... You did? Why don't I recognize you? - We were married by a different Elvis impersonator. Oh, no... - Weldon, did you... I'm sorry, daddy,,,they wanted to get hitched
dr000303 -- right away, and you were at lunch, so I... - Folks, Weldon, here, is not an ordained Elvis impersonator. I'm afraid you're not legally married! So, should we do it over? NO!
dr000304 -- What a relief not to be married to you! - I feel like I've been granted a REPRIEVE! I will never again take for granted a moment of my life that I am unmarried with you! - Thank you for messing everything up, Norman! - You've made me the
dr000304 -- happiest woman in the world! I should've married you sooner!
dr000305 -- Look what I've got, Oogie! The laser pointer! - What's that?! It's a bug!! - Whoa! - It's alive!! - Where'd it go? click! - There it is! Go get it!! scramble scramble scramble - It's amazing how such a simple thing can occupy that tiny mind
dr000305 -- for hours! - I guess cats are pretty stupid. I was talking about your father!
dr000306 -- I love this game show! Contestants, put these donuts in order of size, starting with the smallest: A: Long John B: Plain C: Donut Hole D: Twist - The correct order is: C.B.D.A! And the winner is... - RALPH DRABBLE!! - YAY, DAD!! I love you,
dr000306 -- Regis. Put me down!
dr000307 -- Ralph, here's your first question for $100...Humpty Dumpty sat on what? A: Roof B: Wall C: Tack D: Whoopee Cushion - Hm...history isn't my best subject, Regis! - I think I'll use my "50:50" lifeline. In the first question?? All right, take
dr000307 -- away two answers, please! - Ralph, the correct answer is either "wall" or "whoopee cushion". Darn! Those were the two I couldn't decide between!
dr000308 -- I think I'd like to poll the audience, Regis! You want to use your SECOND LIFELINE on your FIRST QUESTION?? - OK, audience, Ralph needs your help. Did Humpty Dumpty sit on (B.) a wall, or (D.) a whoopee cushion? Please vote now! - The results
dr000308 -- are in, Ralph. 100% of the audience says the correct answer is "B". - This audience looks pretty stupid tome, Regis. I think I'd like to use another lifeline!
dr000309 -- Regis, I think I need to use my last lifeline! - You're going to use up all your lifelines on the FIRST QUESTION?? This is highly unusual, Ralph! - I know, but I think I'll call  my young son, Patrick. He's a lot smarter than I am! Then
dr000309 -- again, who isn't? MOM, YOU NEED TO GET OFF THE PHONE FOR A FEW MINUTES!
dr000310 -- Patrick, we've got 30 seconds! Humpty Dumpty sat on what? A wall or a woopee cushion?? Before I give you the answer, dad, how much of the money will I get? - Money?? Oh...uh...OK, I'll give you ten percent! No deal. We split it fifty-fifty!
dr000310 -- Take it or leave it! - ALL RIGTH!! FIFTY-FIFTY!! NOW WHAT'S THE ANSWER?? Just kidding! The correct answer is... - BZZZT!! Sorry, Ralph. You ran out of time! AAUGGH! Boy, are you gonna be in trouble!
dr000311 -- Ralph, you've used up all three of your lifelines, and you still haven't answered the FIRST QUESTION! - I know, Regis, and I think I'm going to quit now and walk away! - Walk away?? But you haven't won any money yet!! I think it's better to
dr000311 -- quit now than to risk the indignity of losing on the first question. - Besides, that pulsating background music is giving me a headache! click
dr000312 -- Boy, am I exhausted! Why? - Because daddy had a hard day at work, Penny! Why? - Things were hectic! Why? - You know, Penny...daddy doesn't like it when you ask "why" all the time! Why? - Well, because it's not necessary for me to explain
dr000312 -- everything! Why? - Because little kids don't need to know everything that's going on! Why? - Because some things don't concern you! Why? - Mommy, I need help in here! Why?
dr000313 -- - - - I thought you said this was "Pajama Day" My mistake!
dr000314 -- All right, Patrick...suppose you're playing catcher, and the runner tries to steal... - You spring to your feet and... - Whoa! - ...get real dizzy! I guess this explains why there aren't many middle-aged catchers.
dr000315 -- I hate to tell you this, Wally, but you have an appointment with the vet. ! - skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle - It's no use trying to flee. - Especially in your case! skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle
dr000316 -- Wally! You're back from the vet! That wasn't so bad, was it? - If you ask me, that vet was a little pushy!
dr000317 -- Crime, greed, assault, murder and mayhem! That's all they talk about anymore! - It makes me depressed! - If it depresses you so much, why do you watch the news?? - This is the SPORTS REPORT!!
dr000318 -- Wendy says that I'm easy to ignore. - She says that's why nobody ever pays attention to me. - Do you think I'm easy to ignore, dad? - Dad?
dr000319 -- My wife is talking about something, but I have no idea what. - That's because I tuned out a while back. The trick is to make it look like I'm still listening. - There are several methods...for example, if she smiles, I smile! - If she frowns,
dr000319 -- I frown. - Stroking my chin while staring into space gives the impression that I'm pondering her words. - A few non-committal verbal reactions are also helpful. Is that right? You don't say! Uh-huh... - Finally good eye contact is a must! -
dr000319 -- The key to a successful relationship is to always act like you're paying attention!
dr000320 -- Ralph, how would you like to go to a dinner party at the Smiths' on Friday night? - I'd hat it. It's that last thing on earth I'd want to do. - I'd rather be tied to an ant hill naked. Let me rephrase the question. - We're going to the
dr000320 -- Smiths' dinner party on Friday night! I hate it when she rephrases the question.
dr000321 -- Ralph, why don't you want to go th the Smiths' party?? I hate parties, honeybunch! - I'm just not a "people person". - That's all right... - None of them are "grunt-head persons", so you'll all be even!
dr000322 -- Honeybunch, you'd better call the Smiths and tell them I probably won't be able to attend their dinner party! Why? - I think I might be coming down with something! Like what? - Well, let's see...today is Wednesday morning...the party is
dr000322 -- Friday night... - Hopefully, it's a case of the 72-hour flu!
dr000323 -- Drabble! What are YOU doing here?? - I heard you had a bad case of the flu, Steinbauer, so I rushed right over! Why?? - Because my wife is making me go to some dumb party on Friday, and I'm hoping I'll get sick so I won't have to go! - Feel
dr000323 -- free to sneeze in my direction!
dr000324 -- All right, Ralph, you win! I guess you can't go to the party if you can't even get out of bed! I'll go by myself! - SLAM! - - Just as I suspected. Get your clothes and let's go!
dr000325 -- I must admit, honeybunch, I actually had a good time at the party tonight! - I can't believe you tried to catch a cold in order to avoid going! - Heh! Heh! Thank goodness it didn't work! - ASHOO! I'll go plug in the humidifier!
dr000326 -- I think I'll take a few laps around the track! - Hello! Hello! - - Hello, again! Hello, again! - - - - Cough! Cough! Cough! Cough! - There ought to be a rule that everyone jogging around a track has to go in the same direction!
dr000327 -- Rock music...rock music...rock music...who changed all my radio buttons?? punch punch punch - I did, dad! When did you do that? - This morning when I drove to the cleaners! - You reprogrammed my radio buttons for a THREE-MILE DRIVE?? I almost
dr000327 -- got the car painted, but it was too expensive.
dr000328 -- Come on, Patrick...burn a fastball in here! - Here we go...show me some heat, baby! - WHOA!! - My shins just flashed before my eyes!
dr000329 -- Hi, Wendy! - Wendy?? Huh?? - Oh, sorry, Norman! I didn't mean to ignore you! - It's just that you're so highly ignorable!
dr000330 -- Before I putt, I need to remove the pin. - putt! - Yes!! What a putt! It stopped only an inch past the hole!! - Imagine that!
dr000331 -- Daddy, mommy isn't home, so I'll ask YOU this question... - Can I have a cupcake? Sure. - REALLY?? THANK YOU, DADDY!! - Something tells me that's not the answer mommy would have given! Daddy is the greatest! Daddy is great!
dr000401 -- I don't understand why Wally runs so slowly. skattle skattle skattle - I thought wiener dogs were fast! skattle skattle skattle skattle - They are, but not if they have a big stomach! - How do you know? Are you an authority on wiener dogs?
dr000401 -- No, he's an authority on big stomachs!
dr000402 -- I hurt my back cleaning out the garage and it's bothered me all day! - The refrigerator has been making a funny noise lately. - Did you see what color they painted the house across the street? It looks horrible! - I wish our kids would learn
dr000402 -- to put their backpacks away after school. They clutter up the living room! - By the way, the car was idling rough today. - I think we might have termites, and it's going to cost a fortune to get rid of them! - Patrick's little league
dr000402 -- coach...doesn't know...what...he's...doing. - Z Some people read, some people count sheep...my wife like to COMPLAIN herself to sleep!
dr000403 -- Dad, I need some fatherly advice... - Hang on, Norm! I need to change into my "fatherly advice" outfit! - - Now, what seems to be the problem, son? I forget!
dr000404 -- Norm, step into my private study! Private study?? - On "Father Knows Best," whenever Bud needed fatherly advice, Ward always invited him into his private study! - Ward was the father on "Leave It To Bever", not "Father Knows Best." Are you
dr000404 -- trying to tell me my '50s sitcom history, son? - No, sir. Sounds like you've been hanging around wit that Eddie Haskell kid again!
dr000405 -- Step into my study for some fatherly advice, son! - STUDY?? This is the BATHROOM! I know...we don't have a real study, so this is the next best thing! - Have a seat! I think I'd rather stand!
dr000406 -- "Tomorrow is another day". No... "Look before you leap". No... How about..."everyone puts on their pants the same way, one leg at a time." - Yeah, that's good! I can use that one. Thanks, dad! - ANYONE ELSE NEED FATHERLY ADVICE? I'M ON A
dr000406 -- ROLL!
dr000407 -- If anyone wants some fatherly advice, I'll be in my study! - - - Need some fatherly advice, Patrick? No, I just need to brush my teeth!
dr000408 -- Do I have to eat broccoli, mommy? - No, Penny, you GET TO eat broccoli! - - Do I HAVE TO get to?
dr000409 -- A yo-yo! Can I try it, Norm? - I used to be pretty good! Let's see if I remember a thing or two! - "Walk the dog" - "Rock the baby" - "Thread the needle" - "Shoot the moon" - BASH! - "Break the chandelier!" Now watch me "scold the grunt head".
dr000410 -- - I don't know why you're always so worried about money, dad... - You have slightly more than 27 million dollars in the bank! - Let's not ask Norman to balance the checkbook anymore!
dr000411 -- I'm feeling kind of stressed. Stressed?? What do you have to be stressed about?? - You obviously don't know what it's like to be a kid these days, dad! - That's true... - When I was a kid, the only thing we had to worry about were nuclear
dr000411 -- annihilation and pay-TV!
dr000412 -- - I was looking out the window and I said to myself "it would be fun to take a walk in the rain!. - - I've got to stop listening to me.
dr000413 -- Uh-oh...it's starting to rain! - Come on, Wally! Let's run back home before we get soaked! - skattle skattle skattle - skattle skattle skattle skattle
dr000414 -- ...SIGH... - I hate election years. - I never know whether to vote for the politician who's lying to me because he's dishonest... - Or the politician who's lying to me for his own good!
dr000415 -- Z whirrrrrr - rrrRRRRR - KKRINNGG! - Interesting haircut! It's the malepattern baldness look!
dr000416 -- ? - You were right... - - - Never do Yo-Yo tricks... - - - ...under a ceiling fan. Especially if it's on?
dr000417 -- ...and that's our up-to-the-minute traffic report! If you have any traffic conditions to report, call our traffic tips hotline! - beep beep boop beep! - Hello, traffic hotline? Tipster Drabble, here! I'm on the southbound 405, and everything
dr000417 -- looks pretty good! Over and out! - I like my new cell phone!
dr000418 -- So long, honeybunch! Where are you going, Ralph? It's your day off! - Ever since we got that cell phone in the car, I like to drive around and report traffic conditions to the radio station! - Do you think that's dumb? Certainly not! -
dr000418 -- Whatever gets him out of the house!
dr000419 -- Traffic hotline? Tipster Drabble, here! I'm calling to report a bad situation on the 57 freeway! - Traffic is backed-up for miles! It's total gridlock! Everyone should take an alternate route! - Repeating: the 57 freeway is at a standstill!!
dr000419 -- Do not get on this freeway!! - What are you talking about, dad? It's practically empty! I know, and I want to keep it that way until we get home!
dr000420 -- Hello, traffic hotline? Tipster Drabble, here... - I'm following a blue convertible with expired license tags! - I intend to pull him over and make a citizen's arrest! Over and out! - EERRRRRRRRRR
dr000421 -- Hello, traffic hotline? Tipster Drabble here. - I want to report a stalled vehicle in the middle lane of th 91 freeway. - Traffic is backed-up for miles. Lots of looky-loo slowing! - ...Sigh...
dr000422 -- Hello, traffic hotline? Tipster Drabble, again... - I'm on Beach Boulevard and some creep in a green pickup just cut me off! - I wondered if you could have the traffic jetcopter follow him home, maybe buzz his house and scare him a little
dr000422 -- bit, and... - Hello?
dr000423 -- Where is it?? - I had a big chocolate eater egg, and I can't find it!! - Did somebody eat my chocolate easter egg? No, dad! - Very strange. - Where could it be? - - AH! HA! - Nice try, but you can't hatch a chocolate easter egg! Oh, good. I
dr000423 -- thought I was just a lousy mom.
dr000424 -- Norm, give me your hones opinion... - Does this shirt make me look fat? - No. - Your STOMACH makes you look fat!
dr000425 -- I'm drawing a picture of the worst crash ever! - All these things are crashing together: a car, a boat, a train... - A plane, a tank, a meteor, a truck full of bowling balls, and a guy on a bicycle! - A guy on a bicycle? Good thing he's
dr000425 -- wearing a helmet.
dr000426 -- Ralph! What are you eating??!! - munch munch - munch munch munch - munch munch... - Gulp! - Nothing!
dr000427 -- It's my turn to pick up the neighborhood kids from school. - Every time we drive through the tunnel, they all start screaming and yelling for me to honk the horn! - It stresses me out! - Sounds like a classic case of carpool tunnel syndrome.
dr000428 -- Hi, honeybunch! I'm just calling to find out what's for dinner! - You're going to try a new recipe? ...you read about it in a magazine? Oh, boy... - Creamy chicken a la asparagus? ...mmm, yo'ummy! I'll be home in about an hour! - So, what are
dr000428 -- you having for dinner? I'm going to stop off and get a burger!
dr000429 -- Have you ever considered a part-time job, Norm? - Wouldn't you be proud to be gainfully employed? - I prefer to think of myself as a stay-at-home son!
dr000430 -- Nothing is more enjoyable on the weekend than lounging around the house in a t-shirt. - - - Hmm... - What?? Oh, nothing... - For some reason, it just occurred to me that I haven't gone skiing for quite a while!
dr000501 -- I bought you a new shirt, Ralph! - I hope it's big enough! - It better be... - That label has more X's on it than the last Superbowl!
dr000502 -- drip! drip! schlop schlop schlop schlop  - drip drip drip See? - I stand corrected, Norm... schlop schlop schlop drip drip - Apparently, you DO have sense enough to come in out of the rain!
dr000503 -- Boys, I rose from the depths of poverty to become what I am today... - A highly successful mall cop! - My dreams have come true. I guess you could say my life has been kind of a CINDERELLA story! - The only thing you and Cinderella have in
dr000503 -- common is that you both have a couple of ugly sisters!
dr000504 -- HEY, DON'T SCRATCH THAT! pick pick claw claw - GET AWAY FROM THERE!! - I thought we WANTED Oogie to use the scratching post, dad! We do... - The best way to get a cat to do something is to pretend you don't want her to do it! scratch scratch
dr000504 -- claw claw
dr000505 -- I think I understand the popularity of there prime-time game shows... - They're rated "G". Families can watch then together without concern about seeing something inappropriate for children! - Whoa! Now, if they could only do something about
dr000505 -- the commercials! Coming up next on NYPD BLUE...
dr000506 -- How about this one? Nope...not mean enough! - My friend Bill Crisp is turning 50 years old! I want to find a card that makes him feel TERRIBLE about it! - Why would you want to make him feel terrible about turning 50?? - Because that's what
dr000506 -- friends are for!
dr000507 -- ZZZ I can't sleep, mom! Dad's snoring too loud! - zZZzZZzzzZz I bought some of these "No-Snore" strips! Here, put one on his nose! - Z It's not helping! Maybe you didn't put it in the right spot! Try another one. - ZZZZ That one didn't help,
dr000507 -- either! Your father is a heavy-duty snorer! Put another one on! - ZZZ I give up! I'm going to sleep downstairs! Me, too! -
dr000508 -- 'bye, Ralph! Where are YOU going tonight? - I volunteered to be on the little league board. We're having an emergency meeting! - We're going to discuss all of the parents who take the game too seriously and ruin all the fun. - So, in other
dr000508 -- words, it could be a long meeting! I'll leave the porch light on.
dr000509 -- 'bye, Ralph! NOW where are you going?? - Tonight is Ladies' enrichment night at the church! - Make sure the kids eat something healthy for dinner! - Are you sure "McFlurries" are healthy? I'm told dairy products are part of a well-balanced
dr000509 -- diet!
dr000510 -- 'bye, Ralph! You're going out AGAIN?? - Tonight is Bunco night. What's "Bunco"? - It's a dice game all the women in the Cul-de-Sac play once a month. Is it legal? Of course it's legal. - ...I think! See you on "America's most wanted".
dr000511 -- 'bye, Ralph! Where are you off to tonight, honeybunch? - I have a P.T.A. meeting. Are you aware that you've gone someplace every night this week? - Well, it's not MY fault! - Being a stay-at-home mom takes a lot of time away from my family!
dr000512 -- 'bye, Ralph! Let's see...Monday night you had a board meeting... - Tuesday, it was a church meeting...Wednesday was Bunco...Thursday was P.T.A.... - What's tonight? A Tupperware party? No, I'm just going to my book club meeting. - I've got to
dr000512 -- have ONE night for myself!
dr000513 -- Bye, Ralph! It's only eight A.M.! Where are you going?? - I volunteered to work in the little league snack bar this morning. Then, I've offered to watch Judy's kids while she goes shopping! - After that, I have to bake pies for the church
dr000513 -- social, and than I'm scheduled to help out in the library! - She ought to get a full time job so she can relax!
dr000514 -- - - - - - - - Breakfast in bed?? What a surprise!! HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY! Sorry about the kitchen!
dr000515 -- ...Sigh...I don't believe it. What now? - My brother finally landed a good job, but now he's decided to quit so he can pursue his dream of becoming a ventriloquist! - YES! Why are you so glad about that? - Your side of the family has regained
dr000515 -- the lead in "weirdest relatives" contest!
dr000516 -- How can you accuse MY relatives of being weird?? - YOUR relatives are wackos! - How dare you say such a thing! I'll have you know my side of the family is highly respected! - Your family has more nuts than a Waldorf salad!
dr000517 -- There's no question about it, Ralph! Your side of the family definitely has the weirdest relatives! - Oh, yeah? Name one! Your aunt Sue, the cat lady...your cousin Fred, the tire collector... - Your uncle Frank, the pack rat...your
dr000517 -- brother-in-law Phil, the chronic liar... - I said name ONE! Your nephew Vince, the time traveler...
dr000518 -- Listen, honeybunch...my side of the family may be a little eccentric... - But YOUR side of the family is downright WACKO!! - Take, for instance, your crackpot brother-in-law!! - My crackpot brother-in-law happens to be YOUR BROTHER!! Oh, yeah,
dr000518 -- huh!
dr000519 -- Honeybunch, I have compiled a list of all your weird relatives. - This list proves that your side of the family is stranger than mine! - Ralph, I can prove that your side of the family is stranger in just two words... - "Uncle Larry". OK, you
dr000519 -- win!
dr000520 -- 'morning, Ralph! - No-Neck, what are those dark circles over your eyes? - My latest invention, Ralph... - Contact lenses with flip-down shades!
dr000521 -- RATS! Something wrong, Norm? - I'd like to take a nap, dad, but I can't sleep because it's so sunny in here! - Hold on, Norm! I know what might help... - Here, wear this bundfold over your eyes! - OK! Nighty-night! - Dad! It didn't work! -
dr000521 -- Why did you cut holes in it? I'm afraid of the dark!
dr000522 -- Isn't this fun, Ralph? We're both reading books before we go to sleep! - I love reading. I find it very relaxing. It's a nice way to end the day! - My book was on the bestseller list for eight months! My friend Kathy recommended it! - What's
dr000522 -- YOUR book about? I'm not sure. I've only been able to read the first six words!
dr000523 -- Excuse me, sir, may I help you cross the street? Why? - In order to earn a merit badge, I need to help an elderly person cross the street! - I'M NOT ELDERLY! - I'm prematurely old!
dr000524 -- What a mess! - Oh, well... - Refrigerators are a lot like people... - What's on the inside is more important than what's on the outside!
dr000525 -- Drink from the hose $10 Are you really expecting to attract much business? - No, I'm targeting a specific clientele. - Rich people who are really thirsty!
dr000526 -- - Hee hee hee! - It's funny how people and their dogs sometimes resemble each other. - ...isn't it, Wally?
dr000527 -- OK, you'll never get this one... - Name each member of the Beagle scouts. - Bill, Conrad, Oliver, Woodstock, and Harriet! - Rats! I thought you'd miss Harriet! No one can touch me at "Peanuts" trivia!
dr000528 -- Whoever said "No man is an island" never saw dad in the pool!
dr000529 -- Hello, I'm Ralph Drabble. - I'm here for my 2:30 doctor's appointment. - 2:30?? It's now 3:45!! - We don't get around to our 2:30 appointments until at least 4:15! I like to be early.
dr000530 -- The doctor will see you shortly, Mr. Drabble. Please have a seat. - - - Why did you bring your own chair? I don't want to sit in seats that a bunch of sick people have sat in!
dr000531 -- Having an aquarium in a doctor's waiting room is a good idea. - Aquariums are tranquil. They promote a sense of peace and well-being. It has a reassuring effect on patients. - - How come there are no fish in there? They all died!
dr000601 -- - - - I thought you said the doctor would be right in! GET BACK IN YOUR LITTLE ROOM!
dr000602 -- Hello, Mr. Drabble! How can I help you? - Well, doc, I've got a little cough, and I... - Why are you standing way out there? - I'm leaving for a vacation in Tahiti tomorrow, and I don't want to get sick! Now, hold the stethoscope to your
dr000602 -- chest!
dr000603 -- How did it go at the doctor's office, Ralph? Is everything OK? - I spent the past month worrying that I was deathly ill... - So I finally mustered the courage to see the doctor, and it turns out I've been worrying for nothing! - Most people
dr000603 -- would be happy with that news? I wasted an HOUR in that waiting room!
dr000604 -- ...and then Britanny said "I was sitting there first!" and I said "Nah-ahh!" - And then I said "Do you want to play ropes?" and she said "Only if Megan plays!" ...Sigh... - ...but then, after recess, Megan asked if she could borrow my
dr000604 -- crayons, so I... Penny, excuse me... - I know you like to talk, but you need to learn that it isn't necessary to tell daddy every little detail of your life, because I...because... - Tell me all about your date, Penny! Daddy, you don't need
dr000604 -- to know every little detail of my life! - Sorry, Penny. Disregard my last comment. Please continue!
dr000605 -- OK, dad...our sunglasses are in place. Go ahead! - WHOA, THAT'S BRIGHT!! Gimme a break! It was a long winter!
dr000606 -- Oh, no...say it isn't so! - My worst fear is about to come true... - My friends surround me, it's time to go home from school... - And DAD is driving the carpool! I hope everyone likes the GOLDEN OLDIES station!
dr000607 -- Dad is driving the carpool today, and I'm afraid he's going to embarrass me. - He'll probably try to be funny, and my friends will just think he's weird. - He hasn't said anything yet. Maybe he senses my concern and he's keeping quiet on
dr000607 -- purpose. - Who wants to hear my Daffy Duck impression? This is going to be the longest three miles of my life!
dr000608 -- Mom, why did you let dad drive the carpool?! - He embarrassed me infront of my peers! - Son, it's a father's sacred duty to embarrass his children. One day, you'll embarrass YOUR children, and the circle of life will be complete! - Why did
dr000608 -- you have to tell everyone I like the Teletubbies? What's wrong with the Teletubbies?
dr000609 -- Oh, no...it looks like dad's driving the carpool, again! - Mom said not to worry... - She said she'd make sure he wouldn't embarrass me again. - Thanks, mom!
dr000610 -- - My handwriting is getting worse as I get older... - It used to be that nobody else could read it. - Now I can't even read it!
dr000611 -- Hey, doc! How ya doin'? - You do recognize me, don't you? - I'm sorry...I'm drawing a blank! I'm Ralph! Ralph Drabble!! - YOU'RE MY DENTIST!! - I've been a patient of yours for 20 YEARS!! Gee, I'm sorry! Please forgive me! - I can't believe
dr000611 -- it! I just ran into my own dentist, and he didn't even RECOGNIZE me! - Be fair, Ralph...you may have been his patient for 20 years, but you've only gone in to see him TWICE!! That reminds me...I think I'm due for my seven year checkup!
dr000612 -- - - CRUNCH!! - Do we have any more potato chips? I hope not.
dr000613 -- Ralph, don't take such big bites! - Your sandwich isn't going to run away! Don't inhale it! You're liable to choke to death! - If you took smaller bites, you'd enjoy your food a lot more! - Honeybunch, telling me how to eat is like telling
dr000613 -- Sammy Sosa how to hit home runs!
dr000614 -- Here's your fried chicken, Ralph! - Now, remember, I want you to eat more slowly! - Instead of taking huge bites and scarfing everything down, try to take your... - time. Whoops! I think I just swallowed my moist towelette!
dr000615 -- YOU'RE A LOUSY UMPIRE, STEINBAUER! - YOU OUGHT TO HAVE YOUR EYES EXAMINED!! - YOU'RE A DISGRACE TO LITTLE LEAGUE!! - The game hasn't even started yet, Ralph! This is just my pre-game warm-up!
dr000616 -- I have an announcement to make! - No one is allowed to mention the name STEINBAUER in this house ever again!! - Steinbauer? What did Steinbauer do?? Steinbauer?? You mean Mr. Steinbauer, our neighbor? Steinbauer?? What's so bad about Mr.
dr000616 -- Steinbauer? ...Sigh...
dr000617 -- Ralph, calm down and tell me why you're so angry at Mr. Steinbauer! - He umpired Patrick's little league game, and called him out at first when he was clearly safe! - Actually, dad, I looked out to me, too! I had a better view of it, son. -
dr000617 -- Better view?? You were in line at the snack bar! YOU CAN SEE A LOT FROM THE SNACK BAR!!
dr000618 -- Happy father's day, dad!! - What the heck is this? It's a utility belt for fathers! - It holds everything a dad ever needs... - Like holsters for each of your TV clickers! Wow! You'll never lose them again! - And over here is your own
dr000618 -- personal ice cream scooper! Crackers and a can of aerosol cheese! - And this is your money changer! You'll always have the exact change! Cool! - Back here are compartments for gum, sunglasses, and golf tees! And this, I predict, will be your
dr000618 -- favorite feature. What is it? - A donut holder! I LOVE YOU GUYS!
dr000619 -- Honeybunch, where is my scuba gear? - in the hall closet. Thank you. - Are you going swimming? Nope. - Barbecuing!
dr000620 -- FIRE!! - I'll save you, Ralph! Aaaaarrg! - On second thought, every man for himself!
dr000621 -- Steinbauer! What are you doing in my back yard?? I saw smoke and I thought your house was on fire! - I didn't realize it was just your barbecue out of control! - Out of control?? This fire is perfect! It's just the fright temperature to... -
dr000621 -- melt my spatula!
dr000622 -- Sorry, Ralph...when I saw all the smoke, I thought you needed to be rescued! - YOU rescue ME?? I can't imagine anything more humiliating than having my life saved by you, Steinbauer! - That'll be the day, when I need YOU to rescue ME! HA! -
dr000622 -- Fine. I'm leaving. AAKKKK!
dr000623 -- All right! I'm going! I'm going! aakkk! tap tap tap! - Quit tapping me on the...hey, is something wrong? Wheeze! - You have a strange look about you. Are you choking or something?? - You MUST be choking! I've never heard you keep quiet for so
dr000623 -- long!
dr000624 -- You're choking on your Hot Dog, Ralph? That'll teach you not to eat so fast! aakk! - Stand still and I'll give you the Heimlich maneuver! - All I have to do is wrap my arms around your stomach and...whoa, that's a long way around, isn't it? -
dr000624 -- Where's Shaquille O'Neal when you need him?
dr000625 -- - - ? - - scratch scratch! - - My best guess would be that you came in this room to check the TV guide. Oh, yeah! That's why I came in here! - Reason #352 why middle-age men need wives!
dr000626 -- Hi! I'm Ralph Drabble! I'm currently having an out-of-body experience! - That's because I'm choking to death on a weenie. Steinbauer is trying to save my life! If this doesn't work, can I have your bowling ball? - My family looks on with
dr000626 -- concern... Hey, it looks like dad is choking to death in the back yard! Darn! He WOULD have to do this just as I'm leaving for Bunco! - You don't see this kind of drama in "Dilbert"!
dr000627 -- FFOOO! - Whoa! I thought I was a goner! Gasp! - Steinbauer! You saved my life! I am forever in your debt! - Rats! Mind if I start parking my R.V. in front of your house?
dr000628 -- Ralph, considering Mr. Steinbauer just saved your life, I don't think you're being very gracious about it! - Honeybunch, you don't understand...this is AWFUL! Now he's going to hold it over my head forever!! - Ralph, I can't believe you'd say
dr000628 -- such a thing about me! - ...considering I saved your life and all! SEE?
dr000629 -- Local resident G.W. Steinbauer is a hero tonight, after saving the life of his neighbor, Ralph Drabble, who was choking on a hot dog. - "He was eating too fast and he began to choke. With total disregard for my own personal safety, I
dr000629 -- administered the Heimlich maneuver." - "Mr. Drabble, how does it feel to live next door to a hero?" "Aw, shut up!" - "Mr. Steinbauer, is your neighbor always this disagreeable?" "Pretty much." I hate the media.
dr000630 -- I don't believe it! Steinbauer is letting his dog dig in our yard again! - HEY, STEINBAUER! GET YOUR STUPID DOG OUT OF MY... Ralph, shame on you! - Mr. Steinbauer saved your life! Don't raise your voice to him! - Have a nice day! Why are all
dr000630 -- the veins in dad's neck sticking out?
dr000701 -- Ralph! What brings you to my door at this hour?? - Steinbauer, it's two a.m.! Could you please quit playing with your drum set? - Oh, sure...I save YOUR life, and now you're making demands! - The thanks I get for being a hero! I give up.
dr000702 -- Ralph, look! Oogie is going to fall! - She's leaning over the edge and she's going to fall! So? - So CATCH her! CATCH her?? - Stand underneath with your arms out and catch her when she falls! But... - - Poor Oogie! At least he broke our fall!
dr000702 -- I need a really long band-aid.
dr000703 -- Ralph, my niece, Brittany, is selling girl scout cookies. - I put you down for 50 boxes. Considering I saved your life, i figured it's the least you'd want to do! - 50 BOXES?? THAT'S RIDICULOUS!! - He's right. Put him down for 75!
dr000704 -- Ever since Steinbauer saved my life, he's been making me feel miserable about it! - Maybe you ought to save HIS life, and then you'd be even! Hey, I have an idea... - Maybe I ought to save HIS life, and then we'd be even! - That's the
dr000704 -- stupidest idea I've ever heard! Where's the nearest quicksand?
dr000705 -- Hello, TV newsroom? I'd like to report a daring and heroic rescue at sea! - Ralph Drabble single-handedly saved the life of his fishing companion, G.W. Steinbauer! Send your news crew to Lake McGarry for interviews! - When did it happen? - In
dr000705 -- about twenty minutes! I'm ready to go, Ralph!
dr000706 -- Nice of you to invite me fishing, Ralph! It's the least I can do for the man who saved my life! - Odd that you didn't bring a fishing pole, though! - I was afraid I'd lose it if the boat just happened to tip over! - Why on earth would...hey,
dr000706 -- what are you doing?? Rock-A-Bye Baby In The Tree Top...
dr000707 -- SPLOOSH! Man overboard!! - I'll save you, Steinbauer!! - glug! glug! - I'll save you, Ralph! - No, I'LL save YOU!! YOU'RE the one who need saving!! I do not!! splash! splash! splash!
dr000708 -- Hi, I'm Ralph Drabble! I'm having another out-of-body experience! - I intended to save Steinbauer's life so we'd be even. Instead, he's saving MY life again! ...out with the bad air, in with the good... - How could this get any worse?? - And
dr000708 -- now for some mouth-to-mouth resuscitation... AAAAAHHH!!
dr000709 -- Look at the flock of birds, Ralph! Isn't it amazing? - Look at how they all fly in formation, and then suddenly, at the exact same moment, they all turn in a different direction! - How do they know to do that at precisely the same time? - It
dr000709 -- must be instinct. Yeah, like our kids. - Our kids?? What do you mean? - How do they always know to start talking to us at the exact same moment? Dad will you take me to....tomorrow? How much longer are we going to stay here?
dr000710 -- My plan backfired. - I wanted to save Steinbauer's life so we'd be even. Instead, he saved MY life again! - Being pulled ashore and given mouth-to-mouth resuscitation by Steinbauer was the most humiliating experience of my life! - What about
dr000710 -- the environmentalists trying to roll you back into the water? That was a close second.
dr000711 -- - WILL SOMEBODY GET ME A TOWEL, PLEASE? - Interesting sunburn you have there, dad!
dr000712 -- This glue doesn't work very well! - Oh, no wonder...this is LIP BALM! - Has anyone seen my glue stick? - Thanks, dad! mmmmpph!
dr000713 -- Why do men like to barbecue? - Cooking meat outdoors over an open fire satisfies a primitive urge in males. - It's obviously a throwback to when we were cavemen! - Thank you for that scientific explanation! Later I'll explain why we like to
dr000713 -- walk around the house in our underwear.
dr000714 -- So you think men have an innate desire to barbecue?? Absolutely! - When cooking meat outdoors over an open fire, I feel a special kinship with my primitive ancestors! - Primitive ancestors? - You mean, like uncle Larry? No, even more
dr000714 -- primitive than that. Not much, though!
dr000715 -- Attention, allergy sufferers... - With your doctor's prescription, this new pill will eliminate most allergy symptoms so you can live your life again! - Possible side effects include nausea, headaches, indigestion, hair loss, skin rash,
dr000715 -- depression, drowsiness, athlete's foot... - Hot flashes, tennis elbow, insomnia... I think I'd rather have the allergies!
dr000716 -- Dad, look? They're having a contest! - You and Wally should enter this! You'd be a shoo-in! You'd win hands down! - Now, why should I enter Wally in an "UGLY DOG" contest?? - WALLY ISN'T UGLY!! - Sorry, my mistake. - I thought it said "ugly
dr000716 -- dog OWNER" contest!
dr000717 -- - - - Think Letterman would want me for "Stupid Human Tricks"? You've certainly got the "Stupid Human" part nailed down.
dr000718 -- whirrrrrrrrrrrrrrr - YEEEOOWW! - Never never NEVER get your head too close to the cake mixer! - Norman is a walking public service announcement!
dr000719 -- Gimme back my baseball cards!! No!! - I'm home, honeybunch! - You have a strange look on your face! It's my "Summer vacation is only half over" look! OWW!
dr000720 -- I'm home, honeybunch! You ruined your diet. - You just ate a donut, didn't you? Shame on you, Ralph! - Who told you? No one, Your eyes said it all! - My eyes have a big mouth!
dr000721 -- Daddy, my shoes are worn out! AGAIN? - We just bought those a month ago! I can't believe how quickly kids' shoes wear out these days! - When I was a kid, my shoes always lasted at least a year! - Why do you think they lasted so long?
dr000721 -- Something tells me dad never ran around as a kid!
dr000722 -- The freeway is jammed again! Take the toll road instead! You'll be home in half the time! - Ask your self: would you rather spend more time in traffic, or more time with your family? - - Well?? I'm thinking! I'm thinking!!
dr000723 -- This is the 18th hole, No-Neck! - It looks like a toughie. - You ball has to coup the escalator. - Exit on the upper level... - back down to the lower level... - Over the water hazard... - And into the shoe store, just as the gate opens! -
dr000723 -- ACE!! - Nothing builds camaraderie like an early morning round of mall cop miniature golf!
dr000724 -- ...Sigh... - I think I'm losing my hair! - What are you talking about, dad? You've got a fine head of hair! - Unfortunately, it's on your back!
dr000725 -- The Power Of Suggestion - I will get a summer job! I will get a summer job! I will get a summer job! Z - I know this sounds crazy, dad, but this morning I woke up with a distinct impression... Yes...yes... - That you should get a summer job!
dr000726 -- Mommy, do we have any more boxes of cereal? - Yes. May I have one, please? - I suppose, but I already gave you three boxes to choose from. Isn't that enough? - Not if you have a brother who chews with his mouth open! smack!
dr000727 -- - - Nice try!
dr000728 -- cough! cough! - cough! cough! cough! HACK! HACK! cough! cough! cough! - What kind of topping would you like on your yogurt? How about some crushed antibiotics?
dr000729 -- - How was your day? Lasagna. - Yum! Let me guess..."How was your day?" translates into "What's for dinner?" - One day, Penny, you too will become fluent in "husband".
dr000730 -- COWABUNGA!! - SPLOOSH! - - Now, THAT was a cannonball! You just ruined my steaks, Ralph!
dr000731 -- Norm, look! I won V.I.P. tickets to tonight's baseball game, in honor of being named EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH! - We'll be sitting in the section where all the celebrities sit! Wow! - Congratulations, dad! Gee, maybe some day , I'LL be an
dr000731 -- EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH! - Although, that would entail getting a job, wouldn't it? And keeping it for at least 30 days!
dr000801 -- Here are our seats, Norm! Wow! Two rows behind home plate!! - Now, listen...we're sitting amongst the V.I.P's! Act like we belong here. Don't get all star-struck! - WOW!! IT'S MARK McGWIRE!! Dad, that's not Mark McGwire! It's just the bat
dr000801 -- boy! - WOW!! IT'S MARK McGWIRE'S BAT BOY!!
dr000802 -- Hello! I'm Ralph Drabble-fellow V.I.P. - Hello. I haven't seen you here before. Oh, uh, well...that's because I'm usually invited to sit in the owner's private luxury suite! - Excuse me...I'm getting a little hungry! - You brought your own
dr000802 -- food?? I may be a V.I.P., but I'm not about to shell out four bucks for a hot dog!
dr000803 -- ALL RIGHT...ON A COUNT OF THREE! HERE WE GO... - ONE...TWO...THREE! - WOO! - What's wrong with you people?? Dad, I told you, "The Wave" never starts in the good seats!
dr000804 -- Norm! See that guy in the panama hat? Yeah. - He has a weapon and he's pointing it at the pitcher!!! - He must be stopped!! Dad, that's not a weapon! It's just the... - OOOF! Radar gun!
dr000805 -- What's going on? Thank goodness you're here, officer! - He was brandishing a weapon! - This is the man who operates the radar gun! He works for the team! Really? - If I let you go, could you get me an Eric Karros autograph?
dr000806 -- These packets of pancake syrup are sure hard to open... - Oops! - - Sorry, dad! I'll get some napkins! - whiff! whiff! whiff! - DAB DAB rip rip rip DAB rip rip DAB tear! -
dr000807 -- Norm, I've decided to become a private batting instructor for kids! - Batting instruction is a booming industry! Parents spend a FORTUNE on lessons! - All I need to do to be a successful instructor is tell the kids over and over to keep their
dr000807 -- eye on the ball. - ...and then tell the parents over and over how talented their kids are!
dr000808 -- Honeybunch, I've decided to become a private baseball instructor for kids! - A baseball instructor?? Are you out of your mind?? - What qualifications do you have to be a baseball instructor?? Are you kidding? - I've seen "The Natural" 16
dr000808 -- times!!
dr000809 -- Ralph, why would anyone come to YOU for batting lessons? Read my business card. - Ralph "The Bambino" Drabble (Babe Ruth's nephew) - That's not true! It's SORT OF true! - I had an aunt named Ruth, and at one time, she was a babe!
dr000810 -- Timmy, when you step into the batter's box, what's the first thing you should do? - Check my stance? WRONG! - You point your bat toward the centerfield bleachers! - This will intimidate the pitcher and give you a psychological edge! It will
dr000810 -- also give me a fastball in the rib cage!
dr000811 -- We will now discuss the fine art of changing the mound. - Changing the mound?? Yeah, say the pitcher throws one high and tight... - You drop your bat and change the mound, like you're going to clobber him! - The trick is to go slow enough to
dr000811 -- give your teammates time to restrain you before anyone gets hurt!
dr000812 -- Timmy, now we will learn what every real baseball player needs to know. - How to spit properly! SPIT?? - There are three things to keep in mind about spitting: distance, accuracy... - And only spit when you know the TV camera is on you!
dr000813 -- Can I have another quarter? Yeah, sure! - I like this pizza place because the kids run off and play video games while we can sit and relax! - Can I have a quarter? Absolutely! - It's kind of crazy in here, with kids running all over the place
dr000813 -- but... - Can I have a quarter? Of course! - It's nice to have a peaceful meal without kids constantly interrupting, and... - Can I have a quarter? Why, certainly! - Who was THAT kid???
dr000814 -- I hope you put extra sunscreen on your tummy, daddy. How come? - Because it's a lot closer to the sun!
dr000815 -- RALPH! What are you DOING?? Drying off? - That's one of my GOOD towels! - Don't use a GOOD towel to dry yourself!! - It's a sad day when you learn you're not worthy of the good towels.
dr000816 -- whirrrrrrrrrrrrrrr - rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr pop! - rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr pop! pop! pop! pop! pop! pop! poppity! pop! pop! - Popcorn? Forgot to put a bowl underneath again, huh?
dr000817 -- Ooh! What's wrong, dad? - I have a belly ache! - Whoa!! That must be painful!!! - Dad with a belly ache is like a giraffe with a sore throat!
dr000818 -- May I take your order, please? - I'd like an orange. An orange? - I'm afraid we don't serve oranges! - No, I mean an orange crayon so I can color in the orangutan on the kiddie meal place mat!
dr000819 -- 98c Store Everything just 98c Aw, man... What's wrong, dad? - I bought this exact same screwdriver last week at the 99c store! - If I'd bought it here, I could've saved an entire cent! - Maybe I could return it! If you need me, I'll be over
dr000819 -- here pretending we're not related!
dr000820 -- - click! - - click - - click - ...Sigh... - It's hard to channel surf when you've lost the remote! Tell me about it! click
dr000821 -- Good morning, kids! Welcome to Mall Cop Scout Camp! - Here at camp, you will learn what it takes to become a professional mall cop! - You'll earn merit badges in the following areas: food court cuisine, modern mall cop technology, and mall
dr000821 -- cop survival skills, to name a few. - Any questions? Is it to late to get a refund?
dr000822 -- Scouts, every mall cop must be proficient at rope climbing! How come? - Suppose you need to get up the second floor, and the escalator is broken... - You could just WALK up the escalator! Oh, yeah, huh! - I wish someone had told me that ten
dr000822 -- years ago!
dr000823 -- Scouts, we will now discuss mall cop survival skills... - Suppose you are stranded in the mall. There's a blizzard outside, and the electricity is off. - To stay warm, find two sticks and build a campfire. - If you can't find sticks,
dr000823 -- mannequin legs work just as well!
dr000824 -- Excuse me, Mr. Mall Cop...where is the store called "Things Remembered"? I forget. - Where is the "Store of Knowledge"? Who knows? - Where is "Victoria's Secret"? I'll never tell. - Congratulations, scout. You've earned your merit badge in
dr000824 -- MALL COP HUMOR!
dr000825 -- Scouts, it's time to recite the mall cop credo! - Raise your corndogs to the sky and repeat after me... - "We'll tell you where the restrooms are, we'll help you find your car." - "But if you try to break the law you'll find out who we are!"
dr000825 -- *sniff* That always chokes me up!
dr000826 -- All right, scouts, it's time to turn in for the night! - Do we have to sleep in tents? Nah...that's the beauty of the mall copscout camp... - We just open up the mattress store!
dr000827 -- When Norman gets married and has a family of his own, I hope he doesn't move out of state! - If Penny's coordination doesn't improve, I'm afraid she won't make the cheerleading squad in high school. - This thanksgiving, we're going to my
dr000827 -- parents' house, that means next thanksgiving, we have to go to YOUR parents' house, and I'm already dreading it! - I sure hope that loud-mouth little league coach doesn't draft Patrick on his team next year! - They're going to build an
dr000827 -- airport in town sometime during the next ten years, and when they do, our property values will plummet! - I think it should be illegal to worry about anything more than six weeks in the future! I hope we get a good Christmas tree this year!
dr000828 -- August is the only month without a holiday. - We should INVENT one! That's a good idea! - Think of a holiday that everyone would love and cherish! I've got it! - How about DONUT DAY?? With you, Ralph, EVERY day is donut day!!
dr000829 -- Happy donut day, everyone!! Donut day? - It's a new holiday I just invented! August needed a holiday! - What do we do on donut day?? - First, we decorate the DONUT DOG! I think august was doing just fine without a holiday!
dr000830 -- Kids, today is DONUT DAY! It's a new holiday that I invented! - Last night, the donut fairy came to our house and hid all the donuts! - See if you can find them! - No fair following the ant trails!
dr000831 -- HAPPY DONUT DAY!! Donut day?? - It's a new holiday! On donut day, we knock on doors, say "happy donut day", and then you give us each a donut! - SLAM! - Donut day doesn't seem to be catching on. SCROOGE!
dr000901 -- One large chocolate and vanilla swirl coming up! - It's an unwritten rule that if you tip them BEFORE they make your yogurt, they'll make it bigger! clank! - Here you are, sir! - I'm taking my nickel back! I guess there are exceptions to
dr000901 -- every rule!
dr000902 -- Hello, traffic hotline? Tipster Drabble, here...I'd like to alert your listeners to a serious problem... - Traffic is at a standstill! It's bumper to bumper, and motorists are growing impatient! - Where am I?? I'm in the drive-thru lane at
dr000902 -- "Turbo-Burger!" ...hello? ...hello? - The thanks I get for being civic-minded!
dr000903 -- I've decided to flip a coin... - Heads, I keep my appointment to have root canal surgery on Tuesday... - Tails, I go out with you instead. - flip! - SLAP! - It's tails. - YES! Let's make it two-out-of-three!
dr000904 -- Excuse me, Mr. Drabble. - On behalf of everyone here at the beach, I'd like to publicly thank you. - For what?? - For not taking your shirt off! clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap It's nice to be appreciated!
dr000905 -- Mom, I have an announcement to make... - I've decided not to return to school this year. - Last year, I got straight *A*s. - I can't improve on that, so I think it's best to go out on top, don't you? - No one will accuse ME of hanging on too
dr000905 -- long! The Michael Jordan of third grade!
dr000906 -- What's the big deal about getting straight *A*'s?? - I got straight A's last year, too! - You did? Sure! - I got A c-plus, A c-minus, A d-plus...
dr000907 -- What's an "oxymoron"? - It's a term that seems to contradict itself...like "awfully nice", "extremely ordinary"... - "Jumbo shrimp" - "Intelligent cat"... bite scratch snarl
dr000908 -- I'm so stressed! - They asked me to give a ten-minute talk in church on Sunday! - What on earth am I going to talk about? I don't have anything to say! How can I possibly talk to ten minutes?? - She leaves messages on answering machines
dr000908 -- longer than ten minutes!
dr000909 -- - - Tying Oogie's catnip mouse to the ceiling fan provides good exercise on a rainy day!
dr000910 -- OK, I've got one... - I know a guy who was so dumb, the escalator broke down, he was stranded for hours!  HA HA ha ha hee hee HA ha ha ha - I've got one! I know a guy who was so dumb, he put screen doors on his submarine! HA ha ha! hee hee
dr000910 -- ha! ha! HA ha! - I know a guy who was so dumb, he bought a solar-powered flashlight! ha hee hee! HA HA ha ha ha - Hey, I've got one! I know a guy who was so dumb, he put a quarter in the parking meter and said, "where's my bubble gum?" - -
dr000910 -- Get it? He thought it was a gumball machine! Hee hee! - The driver of the school carpool should stick to driving.
dr000911 -- WOW!! This is the coolest donut shop I've ever seen! - It's huge! Donuts everywhere! It's a donut wonderland!! - You can even watch your donut being made!! This is like Santa's workshop! It's a donut.lover's paradise!! - May I help you? I'd
dr000911 -- like a dozen and an application for employment!
dr000912 -- I can't believe I'm filling out an application to work at KRUNCHY KAKES donut shop! - Being around donuts all day would be a DREAM job! - Oops, I need another application. crumple crumple - Did you make a mistake? No, I drooled all over it!
dr000913 -- Hello, Krunchy Kakes donut shop? This is Ralph Drabble... - I filled out an employment application an hour ago, and I just wondered if you've decided to hire me? ...not yet? - Well, let me just say that I love your donuts and working there
dr000913 -- would be a dream come true! Oh, PLEASE hire me! I'll work for FREE! - I hope I didn't sound to eager.
dr000914 -- I GOT THE JOB!! - You are looking at the newest employee of KRUNCHY KAKES donut shop! - You're going to work in a DONUT SHOP?? That's right! - Isn't that like hiring Dracula to work in the blood bank?
dr000915 -- Well, Drabble...how are things on the assembly line? Just fine, sir! - Are you discarding all the rejects? Oh, yes...I've discarded quite a few! - I don't see any in the "reject" bucket? - Who needs a bucket?
dr000916 -- Ralph, why would you want to work in a donut shop? This isn't just ANY donut shop, honeybunch. - KRUNCHY KAKES is a national chains! Everyone knows how well they treat their employees! - Working here will give me an opportunity to expand my
dr000916 -- horizons! - You're going to expand, all right! mmm...MM!!
dr000917 -- - - - - - whackety whackety whack whack whack . BOP! - Ralph Drabble-WINNER 2000 Mall Cop Jousting Tournament
dr000918 -- - - - Do how do you like working in the donut shop, Ralph? It's heaven!
dr000919 -- Excuse me...do you have any donut holes? - - Gulp! - Sorry. We just ran out!
dr000920 -- Hey, Ralph... - Here are some more rejects off the assembly line! - Thanks! Enjoy. - It's a good thing I'm wearing an apron, because I had to unbutton my pants about an hour ago!
dr000921 -- I love the donuts being glazed on the assembly line! - - Sorry, I couldn't resist!
dr000922 -- Hi, Ralph! How was your first day working at the donut shop? I quit! - I don't ever want to SEE another donut, I don't ever want to SMELL another donut, and I don't ever  want to TASTE another donut!! - I have the mother of all bellyaches! -
dr000922 -- How come dad has such a glazed look? DON'T SAY GLAZED!!
dr000923 -- Oooohh! I've never eaten so many donuts in my life! - I guess working in a donut shop wasn't such a good idea! I 'm sorry it didn't work out, Ralph. - Oh, well...at least there's a bright side... What's that? - On the way home, I noticed a
dr000923 -- "help wanted" sign in the frozen yogurt shop!
dr000924 -- Number 91! Your order is ready! Number 91! - - NUMBER 91! YOUR ORDER IS READY, PLEASE! NUMBER 91!! - NUMBER 91!! PLEASE PICK YOUR ORDER!! NUMBER 91!! - Don't worry. It's not us, we're number 16! - - YO!
dr000925 -- Here comes Wendy. I wish she liked me. - Hi, Wendy! - - Now I wish for a million dollars!
dr000926 -- I can't believe Wendy HUGGED me yesterday! I didn't think she LIKED me! - Oh, well...I guess it's normal to greet people with a hug now and then! - Hello, Norman. - OK, now THIS is downright WEIRD!
dr000927 -- It's the strangest thing, Patrick... - For two days in a row, Wendy has HUGGED me for no apparent reason! - Maybe she's finally decided I'm not such a loser after all! Maybe she's actually starting to LIKE me! - ...but probably not, huh? My
dr000927 -- hunch is she's been hypnotized!
dr000928 -- Here comes Wendy again! Lately, every time she sees me, she gives me a hug! - She has obviously decided to take our relationship to the next level! - Wendy! Come to poppa! - Buzz off. This level seems a lot like the old one.
dr000929 -- Here comes Wendy...for two days in a row, she greeted me with a hug... - But then yesterday, she totally IGNORED me! - I can't wait to see what she'll do today! - SMOOCH!
dr000930 -- Some days you HUG me, some days you IGNORE me, and today you KISSED me! What on earth is going on?? - It's simple: I'm trying to give up caffeine. Huh?? - Every time I drink caffeine, I have to punish myself by doing something totally
dr000930 -- revolting, like kissing YOU! - Any other questions? Care for a Dr. Pepper?
dr001001 -- What's wrong, dad? I've got a bellyache! - Go call our doctor and ask what to do about it! Stomach aches! Right! - Oooooooooohh... - OK, I spoke to the doctor and he told me what to do... - Here, eat some of this! - munch munch munch! - YUK!!
dr001001 -- What's that?? Grass. Dr. Drake said you should eat some grass! - Dr. Drake is our VET!! No wonder he asked if you'd been coughing up fur balls!
dr001002 -- Welcome to ANTIQUES ROADSHOW! Our experts are assembled inside the convention center! - People have come from far and wide to have their antiques professionally appraised! - Our first guest is Ralph Drabble! - I didn't know dad was into
dr001002 -- antiques! Are you kidding? He's worn the same underwear since high school!
dr001003 -- Welcome to ANTIQUES ROADSHOW, Mr, Drabble! Show us what you have in the box! - No way! What's inside the box is so valuable, I'm not ABOUT to let anyone see it! - This place is CRAWLING with shifty collector-types! They'd descend upon me like
dr001003 -- LOCUSTS! - But how can we judge its value if we can't see it?? Just appraise it for a million and I'll be on my way!
dr001004 -- What I have inside this cardboard box is of inestimable value! - I acquired this particular item at a garage sale 25 years ago. They don't make these babies anymore! - I recognized its significance immediately! - Mr. Drabble, WHAT IS IT??
dr001004 -- WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO KNOW??
dr001005 -- Mr. Drabble...we can't appraise your antique if you won't let us see it! - We have increased security inside the building! Now, will you please take it out of the box? Oh, all right... - Voila! - That looks like an 8-track player! BACK OFF,
dr001005 -- YOU VULTURES!!
dr001006 -- I'm sorry, Mr. Drabble, but your 8-track tape player is totally worthless. - How about my watch??! My watch is really old!! It's gotta be worth something!! I'm sorry. - My TIE is at least 30 years old!! Please tell me something I have is
dr001006 -- worth SOMETHING!! - Your cardboard box is worth half a cent. YES!!
dr001007 -- Don't feel bad, Ralph! - You're not the first person to go on ANTIQUES ROADSHOW, and learn that your antique isn't so valuable! - I just don't understand how they could say my 8-track tape player is WORTHLESS! - Maybe they meant PRICELESS!
dr001007 -- Yeah, that's probably it!
dr001008 -- -Please remember to sign your check. -Please write your account number on your check. - -Do not send cash. -Make check payable to Polecat Industries. - -Please include bottom portion with payment. -Do not clip or staple. - -Do not send
dr001008 -- correspondence with payment. - -Please make sure our address shows through window. - BAM! - Did you put a stamp on it?
dr001009 -- Here's an interesting article... - Research suggests that people in our country are dumber than they wear 20 years ago. - - Thanks for bringing down the national average! Sorry!
dr001010 -- Hello... - May I speak to the man of the house? Certainly. - MOMMY!
dr001011 -- My name is Kendell! I'm Penny. - My favorite number is four! What's YOUR favorite number? - 8,261,991. - I think I'm in love!
dr001012 -- Eenie-meenie-miney-mo! Catch-a-tiger-by-the-toe! If-he-hollers-make-him-pay... - Fifty-dollars-every-day! My-mother-told-me-to-pick-the-very-best-one-and...uh... - Rats! I got confused! I need to start over! - Eenie-meenie-miney-mo... I
dr001012 -- forgot what we were trying to decide!
dr001013 -- Penny, would you like to go on a date? - A DATE?? You're only FIVE YEARS OLD!! You're to young to go on a DATE!! - My brother Norman is 19 years old, and HE doesn't even go on dates!! - Of course, that might also be because he's such a nerd!
dr001013 -- For your information, I'm five-and-a-HALF!
dr001014 -- Boy, this is a long red light! - - - I see you've discovered the new surveillance camera on top of the traffic signal!
dr001015 -- Welcome to Polecat Nation Bank's 24-hour automated hot line! - For account information, press "1". For loan information, press "2". To stop payment on a check, press "3". To speak to a customer service representative, press "4". - boop! -
dr001015 -- Please enter your ten-digit account number, followed by the "pound" key. - boop! beep! beep! boop! boop! beep! beep! beep! beep! boop! boop! - Please enter the last four digits of your social security number, followed by the "pound" key.
dr001015 -- beep! beep! boop! boop! beep! - All customer service representatives are busy. To leave a recorded message, press the "pound" key. - POUND! - Now I know why they call it the "pound" key!
dr001016 -- Welcome to Mega-Snips, Mr. Drabble. Have a seat! - Why does this barber chair recline? Because first you get a shampoo. - SHAMPOO?? I don't want a SHAMPOO! Here at Mega-Snips, everyone gets a shampoo! Now lean over the sink! But I don't want
dr001016 -- a...glub glub glub... Sorry, I can't hear you with the water running!
dr001017 -- Shampoo! - Rinse! - Now, follow me to the styling chair! - I'm soaked! Don't blame me! I gave you a towel!
dr001018 -- Take a little off the top, please. - Looks like someone already beat me to it! - HA HA - Barbers and onions...a lethal combination! snip snip!
dr001019 -- I'm so stressed! Halloween is only two weeks away, and I'm not ready!! - Why do you find Halloween so stressful? - Because four weeks after Halloween is thanksgiving, and four weeks after that is CHRISTMAS! - Oh. I'M NOT READY!!!
dr001020 -- I don't understand it! Halloween is two weeks away, and you're already stressed over CHRISTMAS?? - It's right around the corner, and I'm not ready for it! - All I've done so far is address all our Christmas cards, assemble the nativity, and
dr001020 -- buy gifts for everyone. I haven't even BEGUN to wrap them yet! What a slacker!
dr001021 -- Honeybunch, I know you make a big deal out of the holidays... - But it seems crazy to worry about Christmas in OCTOBER!! - Why don't you just worry about Christmas in DECEMBER?? Don't be silly... - December is when I start worrying about
dr001021 -- easter!
dr001022 -- I'm almost ready to go, honeybunch! Ralph, I wish you'd reconsider your costume! - We'll never get invited to another Halloween party! - You can't go as the naked guy on SURVIVOR!
dr001023 -- Goodnight, honeybunch! I'm not sleepy yet, so I'm going downstairs to watch TV! Bye! - - I hit the Halloween candy where you'll never find it, Ralph, so don't even try! - I love a challenge!
dr001024 -- What are you doing under the sink, dad? I'm looking for the Halloween candy! - Every year, your mom hides the candy from me, and I always take pride in finding it! - But she's outside herself this year. I can't find it anywhere! - It hasn't
dr001024 -- been a total loss, though...I found the missing easter egg!
dr001025 -- All right, where is it? Where's what? - The Halloween candy! Every year you hide it so I won't get into it, and every year I find it! - But this year you did y really good job, so just tell me where you hid it! - So you're admitting defeat?
dr001025 -- The attic! I forgot to check the attic!
dr001026 -- A DIVINING ROD?? I'm a desperate man! - I was hoping it would lead me to your stash of Halloween candy, but it's no use. - Ralph, I'll be glad to tell you where I hid the candy. You will?? - Sure, all you have to do is admit that I'm much
dr001026 -- more clever than you are! NEVER!
dr001027 -- Admit it, Ralph! You're a beaten man! - You tried your best, but you could not find where I hid the Halloween candy! - Mom, it's really weird...I put some clothes in the dryer, and they came out all CHOCOLATY! - YOU USED THE DRYER??! The one
dr001027 -- place I didn't look!
dr001028 -- I can't think of anything to be for Halloween. How about a mummy? - I've been that before. How about Superman? Been that. Frankenstein? - Been that. A vampire? Been that. Batman? Been that. - It's no use, dad. I've already BEEN everything! I
dr001028 -- suppose this is a common problem for people who trick-or-treat into their twenties!
dr001029 -- Here's what happened... - I got up in the middle of the night for a drink of water... Yawn! - I went into the kitchen, and there was daddy, eating all the Halloween candy! click! Uh-oh! - I said... You're not supposed to eat that candy, daddy!
dr001029 -- It's for the trick-or-treaters! Gulp! - And daddy said... Now Penny, this isn't the way it looks! - And then he said...I'm not really eating the candy! You're just having a dream! None of this is really happening! Now go back to bed! - ...and
dr001029 -- that's why most of the candy is gone! Ralph, you told me you woke up and found the DOG eating the candy! - Whose version are you going to believe, MINE or a CHILD'S?
dr001030 -- Trick or treat! - Kids, I believe that honesty is the best policy... - So I have a confession to make... - He ate all the candy again. Now don't get ahead of me!
dr001031 -- Trick or treat! - Candy?? For me?? Why, thank you! - I'll take this one! - I love the holidays! No wonder our windows always get soaped!
dr001101 -- - - Whaddaya think? I think somebody's had too much sugar! Who ate all my Halloween candy??!!
dr001102 -- HAAHHHH - sniff sniff! - Eewww! My breath smells terrible!! - sniff sniff! - Oh, good...it was just my hand! Check, please!
dr001103 -- ...35...36...37...38! I have exactly 38 french fries left! - I'm going to refill my lemonade, daddy. - And I better still have 38 french fries when I get back! - They grow up so fast!
dr001104 -- Dad, how would you describe this glass of water? - Half empty. I KNEW you'd say that! - Saying the glass is "half empty" instead of "half full" indicates that you're pessimistic, gloomy, negative, and less intelligent! - Now I say that it's
dr001104 -- totally empty!
dr001105 -- I think youth sports would be better if the parents stayed home. - Parents take things way too seriously. They get too wrapped up in winning and losing! - Why can't they just relax and let the kids have fun? - Oh-oh...it's a breakaway for the
dr001105 -- other team! They're going to score a goal! - TRIP! - What were we talking about? It doesn't matter.
dr001106 -- Ralph, go out to the garage and get our box of thanksgiving decorations. - We have thanksgiving decorations?? Follow me. I'll show you. - See? There they are... - Right behind the box of labor day decorations! We have LABOR DAY DECORATIONS??
dr001107 -- Why do they always call it "tomato" ketchup?? - Isn't it redundant? What other kind of ketchup IS there?? - There isn't watermelon ketchup or mango ketchup! - And another thing: Why do they call it "orange" juice when it's yellow?? So many
dr001107 -- questions, so little brainpower!
dr001108 -- - Can I help you find something? - Do I LOOK lost? - Well, as a matter of fact... Can I help you find something?
dr001109 -- Excuse me...Do you have the time? Yes. It's 4:45! - 4:45?? Oh, wait...I put my watch on upside down. - It's 10:15. - I sure hope noone else asks me for the time today! brush brush!
dr001110 -- How do you like my new nail polish? - Very nice! - - I had a Volkswagen that color!
dr001111 -- Mom, can I pour a glass of milk? - Norman, it's "MAY I pour a glass of milk?" - May I pour a glass of milk? Certainly. - Oops! He had the question right the first time!
dr001112 -- ...chatter chatter chatter yakitty yak yak chitter chatter... SIGH - Penny, I know you have a lot to say, but I'm going to give you a little advice... - You have two eyes, two ears, and only ONE mouth... - That means you should look and
dr001112 -- listen TWICE as much as you talk! Oh... - Then I should also SMELL twice much, because I have TWO NOSTRILS! Well, I guess that's... - And I should WALK twice as much because I have TWO FEET! And I should CLAP twice as much because I have TWO
dr001112 -- hands! - And I should wiggle my toes TEN times as much because... SIGH
dr001113 -- RING I'll get it, mom! - Hello? - Sorry, I'm not interested. - Aren't those phone solicitors annoying? That was Norman!
dr001114 -- Class, please come to order! - May I have your attention, class? It's now MY turn to talk! - I hate "Parents Night"! Z
dr001115 -- Parents, you'll find a sheet of paper on your child's desk. - We'd like all of you to write a personal note to your children that they can read tomorrow! - ****!!**!* What's all the commotion at table six! - HE'S COPYING!! AM NOT!!
dr001116 -- - - Oh! Oh! - Mr. Drabble, did you have a question? Yeah, but now I forgot!
dr001117 -- Dad, please don't tell me you embarrassed me at "parents night". - Please don't tell me you offended my teacher, and that I should now avoid eye contact. - Please don't tell me that the evening was a total disaster! - OK, I won't. Why don't I
dr001117 -- feel reassured?
dr001118 -- "It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas"... - Actually, that's not true... - Here at the mall, it's been looking a lot like Christmas for at least three months!
dr001119 -- Hello, is this newsradio's traffic hotline? Tipster Drabble, here! - I just turned onto main street, and I find myself in the middle of a serious traffic problem! - There's bedlam in the street! People are sitting atop their cars, animals
dr001119 -- running loose...I even see a large band of teenagers on foot! Traffic is moving at a snail's pace!
dr001119 -- ...that's right, Main Street! ...yes...oh, really? ...I am? ...oh...OK...never mind...'bye. - Stupid parade!
dr001120 -- Honeybunch, I invited No-Neck over for thanksgiving dinner. You WHAT?? - No-Neck and his wife recently separated, and he's a little depressed. - I had an idea: let's pretend that we're fighting! Then he might not feel so bad that he's a
dr001120 -- single again! - You invited an extra person for dinner, and you're JUST NOW TELLING ME ABOUT IT?? That sounds perfect, honeybunch! You should've been an actress!
dr001121 -- KNOCK KNOCK Remember, honeybunch, act like we're fighting so No-Neck won't feel so bad that his wife left him! - Why, hello, No-Neck! Happy thanksgiving! - You remember my old BALL AND CHAIN, don't you? - So where's the turkey, honeybunch? Go
dr001121 -- look in the mirror!
dr001122 -- Honeybunch, it's working like a charm! - Pretending that we're mad at each other has No-Neck feeling lucky his wife left him! - So, when will thanksgiving dinner be ready? You told him I'm a lousy cook, so fix it yourself, grunt head! - Ha
dr001122 -- ha! That's a good one, honeybunch, but save the zingers for No-Neck can hear them!
dr001123 -- Goodbye, Ralph! Where are you going? It's thanksgiving! - The kids and I are going to my mother's! You and No-Neck can just eat chips and complain all day! - Fine!! See if WE care! wink! wink! - Women! I'm starting not to feel so bad that my
dr001123 -- wife ran off with the cable guy.
dr001124 -- honeybunch! You were MAGNIFICIENT today! - You acted like you were REALLY MAD AT ME!! No-Neck totally fell for it! - I never realized what a GREAT ACTRESS you are! - SLAM We ought to get you into commercials!
dr001125 -- Mall Attention, shoppers... - Today is the official start of the holiday shopping season! All of you will be expected to show the proper spirit! - Any shopper who is observer being rude, impatient or irritable will be slapped with a HOLIDAY
dr001125 -- SPIRIT VIOLATION! - You can't be serious! There's ONE!!
dr001126 -- - Hey, No-Neck,,,it's me, Ralph! I was wondering if... BOOM beep ZAP POW ZOOM - Will you please turn down the video game?!! - Anyway, as I was saying... - WHO LEFT THEIR SOCKS ON THE FLOOR?!! THIS PLACE LOOKS LIKE A PIGSTY!! I AM NOT A
dr001126 -- SLAVE!! I WORK MY FINGERS ...THE B...AROUND HERE AND...THANKS...GET...NE!! - WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF! HISS - LET GO!!! YOU LET GO!!! No-Neck, I'm going to have to hang up and call you back from someplace quieter than my living room! - WHAM!
dr001126 -- ROOOLLLLL WHAM!! There, that's better!
dr001127 -- Why do other people bother to install car alarms? whoop whoop whoop - No one pays attention to them because you hear them all day long! beep beep beep beep - When you have to listen to something day and night, you begin to tune it out. Do you
dr001127 -- know what I mean? - Ralph? Did you say something, honeybunch?
dr001128 -- - - FLUSH - Now I know why they call it the wee hours!
dr001129 -- - - munch munch! - Rats! I hate it when my ice cream is all gone! Me too, 'cause now she's gonna start talking again!
dr001130 -- NEXT! It's about time! I've been waiting in line for an hour and a half! - I'd like you to mail these packages first class, and give me two books of Christmas stamps! - I'd love to, but this is the department of motor vehicles! I knew that!
dr001201 -- ...Sigh... - Penny, go put the cordless phone back where it belongs. - - ?
dr001202 -- Correct me if I'm wrong, but... You're wrong. - You haven't even heard what I have to say, yet! Call it a wild guess!
dr001203 -- Oh, no!! What's wrong? - Today was my turn to bring the postgame treats for Patrick's soccer team, and I totally forgot!! - The game is always over, and I have nothing to give them! Why don't you run to the store? - There's no time! Look!
dr001203 -- They're already lining up! - My PURSE! Maybe I can find something in my purse!! - Open wide! skwwak! Open wide! Our treat is a squirt of breath freshener?? Here, you also get a two-for-one dry cleaning coupon!
dr001204 -- Youletide City TREE LOT - - - I hate it.
dr001205 -- Our tree is crooked, Ralph! What are we going to do?? Don't worry, honeybunch. I'll fix it! -
dr001206 -- Ralph, this tree isn't fresh. I want you to take it back to the lot! Are you out of your mind?? - What kind of LUNATIC returns a Christmas tree?? You'll just have to make the best of it! - Here's a novel idea...just turn the ugly side to the
dr001206 -- wall! - It didn't help. You're a funny, funny woman.
dr001207 -- Dad, what are you doing? Picking up needles off the floor. - Your mom is convinced this tree is dead, and she wants me to return it to the lot tomorrow! - That's the LAST thing I want to do, so I'm going to try to convince her it's still
dr001207 -- fresh! - Can I do something to help? Yeah, go out to the garage and get me some green spray paint!
dr001208 -- Ralph, I want you to take this tree back to the lot! It's not drinking any water! - Are you sure, honeybunch? I'll just go down here and check... - SLURP! - The pan is dry, honeybunch! This tree's drinkin' like a FISH!
dr001209 -- No-Neck just happened to stop by, honeybunch! My, what a beautiful Christmas tree! - It is obviously fresh, too! I've seen fresh trees before, but this is...um...uhh........ - "The freshest tree I've ever seen." - How was that, Ralph? I'm a
dr001209 -- dead man. Return the tree!
dr001210 -- Hey, what are you doing?? click click click - I'm setting your digital clock to the correct time! It was way off! No, it wasn't! It was perfect!! - It used to be three minutes slow. Then I set it ahead ten minuted so I'd never be late. - Then
dr001210 -- I forgot to turn it back an hour last fall when daylight savings time ended. - And then Penny accidentally kicked the button and set it back another 15 MINUTES! - I never bothered to reset it because I knew the correct time was exactly 82
dr001210 -- minutes ahead of what the clock said! - But now that you've set it to the right time, I'll NEVER know what time it is!! Why can I never do anything right?
dr001211 -- I need a box of garland for our Christmas tree. - Now how can I tell if there's enough garland in the box to go around our tree? - Yes, that should be enough!
dr001212 -- I've always wondered, dad...what are mall copy listening to in those ear pieces? - We listen to important, top secret, official information from the headquarters. - Let's go to the phones...terrence in Sierra Madre. Welcome to the jungle!
dr001212 -- Thanks for the wine, Romey! This is SPORTS TALK! GIMME THAT BACK!
dr001213 -- - Hello! - pssshhhhtt!! - Sorry...I thought you were a Rottweiler!
dr001214 -- Norman, look... - HA HA HA HA HA! - AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA  - Now shall I get out YOUR high school picture? You'd never find it! Hoo hoo!
dr001215 -- - - - Did you clean up all the milk you spilled on the floor? Almost. I need to change my socks.  schlopp! schlopp! schlopp! schlopp!
dr001216 -- ...Sigh... I've been on hold for twenty minutes waiting for the next available customer service representative! - There's one sure-fire way to get them to take my call immediately. - Thank you for waiting. How can I help you? MMMFPH
dr001217 -- - SCREEECH! - - - - - What a coincidence! We just happen to have a fruitcake for you, too!
dr001218 -- Ralph, if you haven't bought my Christmas present yet, I'd really like this sweater! - In fact, I'll go wait over here in case you'd like to pay while I'm not looking! - OK! - So, you're telling me you haven't even bought MY CHRISTMAS PRESENT
dr001218 -- YET??
dr001219 -- Hey, it's the SWEATER I asked for! This must be what Ralph is giving me for Christmas! - Now I wish I'd asked for the one with the floral print. - - I can't believe it. She exchanged a gift she hasn't even RECEIVED yet!
dr001220 -- ...one nose hair trimmer, one exercise video, one pack of breath mints! - Who says dad's a hard man to shop for?? Merry Christmas!
dr001221 -- ...if one of those bottles should happen to fall, 24 bottles of beer on the wall - Maybe "caroling mall cops" wasn't such a good idea. We probably should've learned a Christmas song! Tips
dr001222 -- Wow! Someone left us a dozen Christmas cookies! - Ralph, these cookies aren't for us, they're for the STEINBAUERS! - They were left on our porch by mistake! Go take them to their rightful owner! - Here, Steinbauer, someone left you
dr001222 -- half-a-dozen Christmas cookies!
dr001223 -- Honeybunch, remember the watch I told you I wanted for Christmas? Yes... - Well, I changed my mind. I think I'd rather have this one! - You're changing your mind TWO DAYS BEFORE CHRISTMAS?? - ARRRGGHH She sure gets uptight as the holidays
dr001223 -- grow near!
dr001224 -- A plate of rice cookies and a glass of water?? I thought Santa liked cookies and cocoa! - He does, but believe me, Santa has really been putting on the poundage since thanksgiving!
dr001225 -- Let's see what YOU got, Oogie! - A watch?? Why in the world would a cat need a watch?? - Oops! The watch is NORMAN'S gift! I must have switched the tags by mistake! - Bad news, Norman...the catnip mouse isn't yours!
dr001226 -- The BUSINESS section?? - You don't even have a JOB! Why on earth would you be reading the BUSINESS section?? - Norman reading the business section is like...like... - Like you reading the health & fitness section! Yeah, like me reading
dr001226 -- the...HEY!!
dr001227 -- I'll have a cheeseburger, medium fries, and a medium root beer! - Would you like to "super-size" your order for only 50 cents more? OK. - Would you like to "gargantua-size" it for another 50 cents? Sure. - I had to put the fries in the trunk!
dr011228 -- Welcome to Galtburger! May I take your order, please? - Hey, it's me. Oh, hi, Ralph! How ya' doin' ? - Do you want your usual, today? Yeah. - When you suddenly realize you've developed a close relationship with the drive-thru clerk, it's
dr011228 -- probably time to have your cholesterol checked! So, how's the family?
dr011229 -- Hey, Ralph! Hey. - Your usual jumbo chili cheese bacon burger with fries and a shake? - AHHEM!! COFF COFF (wife's in the car!) COUGH COUGH! - Uh, I mean, your usual garden salad and diet cola? So, how's your diet going, Ralph?
dr011230 -- Well, the new millennium begins on Monday! - Again?? - It seems like we started a new millennium just last year! - Time really flies when you get to be my age!
dr011231 -- Oh, this is an outrage! - The home owners association is demanding the immediate removal of my holiday decorations! - It's not even JANUARY FIRST, for cryin' out loud! - What's so bad about leaving Christmas decorations up until new year's
dr011231 -- day?? - Maybe they were talking about your HALLOWEEN decorations!
dr010101 -- Norman, a job just opened up at the mall that I think you'd enjoy! - A job?? Gosh, dad, I don't know...what if I'm underqualified?? - Relax, Norm...You're PERFECT for this job! - It's a total NO-BRAINER! What if he's OVERqualified?
dr010102 -- Believe me, Norm, this job will be PERFECT for you! What kind of job IS it, dad? - Trust me, it's right up your alley! You get paid for doing nothing! - It required no brainpower whatsoever! This job was tailor-made for Norman Drabble! - You
dr010102 -- might even want to make a CAREER out of it! The suspense is killing me!
dr010103 -- Norm, your job is to stand in front of the jewelry store, dresses as a royal guard! - And then what? That's it! All you have to do is stand there! - And then what? That's it! Stand there, stare into space, and don't move a muscle! - And then
dr010103 -- what? What part of "THAT'S IT" don't you understand??
dr010104 -- So this is my new job...I stand here for six hours and don't move a muscle! - I should be able to handle this! - - I have to go to the bathroom!
dr010105 -- Norman, is that you? What are you doing?? - Oh, I get it! You're supposed to be one of those guards who stand perfectly still, no matter what! - - Whatever you do, try not to think about that trail of ants crawling up your leg!
dr010106 -- He's real! No, he's a dummy! - Actually, you're BOTH right! Kick him in the shins and see what happens!
dr010107 -- Boy, there's nothing like being inside a hot, steamy sauna! - Except, of course, for being inside the car when MOM is driving! I'm begging you...PLEASE turn down the heater!! Stop complaining! It's JUST RIGHT in here!
dr010108 -- - - He's pretty good! Fortunately I'm used to people making faces at me!
dr010109 -- ? - Why are you wearing glasses, Norm? - Norm? - Z
dr010110 -- Look, kids! It's one of those royal guards! - He'll stand perfectly still, no matter what you do to him! - You can kick him, poke him, tickle him, and he won't move! - Let's try it! You kids have fun! I'm going to Macy's!
dr010111 -- Well, Norm's first day on the job turned out to be tougher than expected! - TOUGH?? All he had to do was dress up like a royal guard and stand perfectly still all day! - I know, but people kept trying to make him flinch, and some of them got
dr010111 -- a little carried away. - Right, Norm? MmPFF
dr010112 -- What a day at work! My new job was brutal! - Standing perfectly still and staring into space all day is tougher than it looks! - Tell me about it! Also, the hat messes up my hair!
dr010113 -- I can't wait to play with my new football! - It needs air. I'll have to pump it up! - "Inflate to 13 lbs"?? - How on earth am I supposed to throw a 13-pound football?
dr010114 -- Welcome to this edition of ANTIQUES ROADSHOW! - Our experts are on hand to appraise your antiques and collectibles! - Our first guest is Ralph Drabble. Tell us about the item you've brought today, Ralph! - This is a hula lamp that has been in
dr010114 -- my family for generations! - I have many fond memories of this lamp. I consider it as family heirloom! - I realize it probably isn't worth much, but it has a lot of sentimental value. I love this lamp, and I would never part with it! - Well,
dr010114 -- Mr. Drabble, I have some exciting news...I estimate the value of this lamp to be about $5,000! $5,000?? - I'M RICH! I'M RICH!! WHO WANTS TO BUY MY LAMP?? I'LL TAKE CASH OR CHECK!! YAHOOO!!
dr010115 -- Z - Z - BLATT!! - No one should ever be that relaxed!
dr010116 -- Bob, you are a totally useless creature! - I don't know why I haven't fired up the barbecue and made a meal out of you, yet! - I guess I just don't have it in me! - Looks like he has everything else in him!
dr010117 -- I'm home! - Excuse me...my perch is not a coat rack! - What could be more undignified? -
dr010118 -- That does it! I obviously get no respect around here! - I think I'll go return to the wild! - - Daddy, I think it's time to steam-clean your hat!
dr010119 -- - - Daddy's hat just ran away!  Can you blame it? His socks walked off yesterday!
dr010120 -- Don't leave your clothes on the floor, Ralph. Hang them up! OK, OK. - - We either need more closet space, or another exercise bike!
dr010121 -- Hey, No-Neck, check out my new car alarm system! - Rattle the door and see what happens! - HONK HONK HONK RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! WHOOOP WHOOOP WHOOOP BEEEEP BEEEEP BEEEEP BEEEEP AH OOOO CUH! - That's pretty good! Where can I get a
dr010121 -- system like that? Sorry. It's a one-of-a-kind! Dad, can I have the rest of the day off? I'm getting a little hoarse!
dr010122 -- January 22, 2001 - Nothing interesting happened in my life today. - Or yesterday, or the day before, for that matter. - Everyone should keep a journal! Except you.
dr010123 -- - - - Cats love to taunt non-cat people!
dr010124 -- I'm home! - zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom - Oogie craves attention! I crave medical attention.
dr010125 -- OOGIE! GET OFF THE DRAPES! - SPLAT! - Oogie puts the CAT in CATASTROPHE! CRASH!
dr010126 -- Hey, Norm, as long as you're up, get me a root beer! - I'm not up!! Oh, yeah, huh. - - Make it a "Dr. Pepper"!
dr010127 -- I wait at this intersection every day... - It doesn't matter which direction I'm going, I ALWAYS hit the red light! - You'd think I'd have a 50% chance of making a green light, wouldn't you?? - Mind-boggling, isn't it? Everything's
dr010127 -- mind-boggling to me!
dr010128 -- Oogie is certainly an active cat! - I've heard that's a sign of intelligence! - The more playful and active a cat is, the more intelligent it probably is! - That's probably true of all creatures, don't you think? - zzZzz No argument from me!
dr010129 -- You'll have to wait your turn, Mr. Drabble. There are other patients before you! But I'm in pain!! - Too bad! Getting your chest hair caught in a lint roller is not a medical emergency! I knew I should've called 9-1-1!
dr010130 -- 'bye, mom! I'm really late! Where are you going? - Dad just reminded me that it's almost February, and I forgot to migrate south for the winter!! - Norman, BIRDS do that! Oh, yeah, huh! - Nice try!
dr010131 -- flip flip flip flip - flip flip flip flip flip flip - flip flip flip FLIP flip - Televised surgical  procedures have taken all the fun out of channel surfing!
dr010201 -- Hello, newsradio? Traffic tipster Drabble here. I'd like to report a major back-up! - Cars are a stand-still! Tensions are running high! ...my location? - The drive-thru lane at Galtburger! They must have a trainee working the window!
dr010202 -- I'm going jogging, honeybunch! You ARE?? - Yeah, what's wrong with that?? Don't you think I can do it?? - Do you think I'm too old and out of shape?? Of course not, Ralph. - Just make sure you're carrying I.D.!!
dr010203 -- Let's sit here, honeybunch! Here?? - Ralph, we can sit anywhere in the theater we want... - Why do you want to sit all the way back here?? - Because someone left behind practically a whole tub of popcorn!
dr010204 -- I have to go to the bathroom! - Excuse me...sorry...pardon me...oops! Sorry! Coming through...excuse me... Ow! - Why did you crawl over every person in this row to get out?? - You were sitting on the other aisle! It would have been much easier
dr010204 -- for you to go THAT way! Oh yeah, huh! - Excuse me...sorry! Sorry! Coming through,,,pardon me...whoops!
dr010205 -- 'bye, mom! 'bye, Norman! Remember your new motto: "Attack the day"! - How did it go? The day launched a counterattack!
dr010206 -- Hey, what happened, dad? A power outage? Perhaps. - Perhaps??? Why ELSE would it be so dark here?? - Norm, when a comic strip is all black and all you see are the characters' eyeballs, it's a safe bet that the cartoonist is sick with a flu! -
dr010206 -- Really?? It's a trade secret, so keep it under your hat!
dr010207 -- I don't understand, dad...if a comic strip is in total darkness, why does it mean the cartoonist has the flu? Because he's too sick to draw! - Imagine being a cartoonist...you have the flu, and you can barely hold a pen, but you have a family
dr010207 -- to support... - So, with your last ounce of strength, you put characters in darkness so you'll only have to draw their eyeballs! - Gosh, I've never felt sorry for a cartoonist before! Hey, I feel so sorry for him, I'm going to close my eyes
dr010207 -- for a while!
dr010208 -- Dad, are you suggesting that the reason it's dark in here is because the cartoonist has the flu and he's too sick to draw?? - Norm, all I'm saying is, I'm not buying the "power outage" theory. - Why not? - For one thing, it's only 10:30 in
dr010208 -- the morning!
dr010209 -- Dad, how long are we going to have to sit in the dark? Until the cartoonist gets over the flu, and can draw again! - But that could take a WEEK! I have an idea...let's light a match! - - Whoa, more like TWO weeks! I think someone better call
dr010209 -- 9-1-1!
dr010210 -- WHOA! WHO FLUSHED THE TOILET?? - Ouch! - pop! - Have a nice day! Too late.
dr010211 -- Looks like we're going to have a crowded flight! Yeah, but we'll be the first ones on board! - This plane boards on a first-come, first-served basis! - We arrived two hours early, so we got boarding passes ONE and TWO! - Polecat Airlines
dr010211 -- announces preboarding of flight 807! All passengers who are elderly, require physical assistance, traveling with small children, or have special needs, may now board at gate 37! - Polecat Airlines now announces boarding for passengers 1
dr010211 -- through 20. That's us!
dr010212 -- Mom buying a Valentine's Card For Dad I've read every card in the store, and nothing is quite right. There's another shop over on Elm...I'll go and see what THEY have! - Dad Buying A Valentine's Card For Mom Pick me out a winner, son! I'll do
dr010212 -- my best for under three bucks!
dr010213 -- Hey, thanks for the card, honeybunch! You didn't even READ all of it! - I got the gist of it! - I spent the entire weekend picking out just the right Valentine's card for you! The least you can do is READ all of it!! - But this card has
dr010213 -- PAGES! There's going to be a quiz, so you better not skim!
dr010214 -- Happy Valentine's day, Wendy! - You know, Norman, I considered staying home from school today to avoid the awkwardness of not having a Valentine card for you. - I mean, just because I don't like you, doesn't mean I want to hurt your feelings!
dr010214 -- - But then I figured, who cares? Thanks, Wendy. That means a lot!
dr010215 -- - - What are you doing?! - Trying to figure out if your bald spot is getting bigger, or your head's getting smaller!
dr010216 -- Hello, news radio? Traffic tipster Drabble, here! - I'd like to report icy conditions along the highway! - ...where? - Well, actually, they're INSIDE my car! I can't believe you forgot our anniversary!
dr010217 -- RING! RING! - RING! Aren't you going to answer the phone?? - I don't want to talk to anyone who doesn't know that I'm watching wrestling right now!
dr010218 -- Rats! I'm having a bad hair day!! - Oops! I'm sorry, dad! That was an insensitive remark! - I should never complain about a bad hair day in front of somebody like you! Somebody like me?? - Yeah, you know...somebody who you know...doesn't have
dr010218 -- a lot of hair left! - I'm sure you'd give an ARM and a LEG to have a bad hair day! - Heck, you'd probably just like to have ANY kind of hair day! You're gonna have a bad NOSE day in a minute!
dr010219 -- Hello, Professor. I'm Norman Drabble. I'm transferring into your class! - Take a seat, Drabble. - - It's not a good sign when the chairs in a classroom have seat belts! click!
dr010220 -- Ahh! Hoe at last! - All day long, I've been waiting for the moment I could take off my shoes! - Why? Are your feet sore? - No, I dropped an M&M in there this morning! munch munch
dr010221 -- Let's go over this again, Norm. Step one: Put the ingredients in the blender. Step two: Put the lid on the blender. Step three: Turn on the blender. Oh, yeah, huh! - For some reason, I always get steps two and three mixed up!
dr010222 -- That's the news for tonight. Thanks for watching. - This is Norman Drabble... - Good night! Are you gonna buy anything or not?
dr010223 -- - - You're biodegradable. SEE! - I KNEW You'd be able to think of something good about me if I gave you enough time! What a waste of two hours!
dr010224 -- I don't even understand THIS book! Computers for Morons - Reading Books for Morons for Morons
dr010225 -- scribble scribble scrabble scrabble - slobber slobber - pound! pound! pound! - go mail this letter for me, Norm! - Dad, your handwriting is practically illegible! - The post office will have a hard time making out the address! That's THEIR
dr010225 -- problem! - For 34 cents, I figure, make 'em work a little harder!
dr010226 -- Ralph, where are you going? It's your day off! - I'm going to cruise the freeways and call in traffic reports to the radio station! - Rush hour commuters have come to rely on me! They call me "Tipster Drabble"! - Sorry to leave, honeybunch,
dr010226 -- but duty calls! Believe me, I wasn't complaining!
dr010227 -- Hello, Newsradio? Traffic-tipster Drabble here... - I'm calling to report some sheet metal in the carpool lane of the southbound 605! - WHAT?? ...another tipster already reported it?? WHAT other tipster??! - TIPSTER NO-NECK??
dr010228 -- ! ! - boop! beep beep boop beep beep beep... - Tipster No-Neck calling to report a "car-b-q" on the shoulder of the southbound 405 at Normandie! boop! - I've got to figure out how to work the speed dial!
dr010201 -- Time to check the local traffic conditions... - Tipster No-Neck called to report a Rottweiler running loose along the northbound 710! - ...and now we've just received a call from tipster Drabble CORRECTING tipster No-Neck: It's not a
dr010201 -- Rottweiler, it's a DOBERMAN. -
dr010202 -- Let's go out to the freeways once again for a look at traffic... - Tipster Drabble reports that tipster NO-Neck just made an illegal lane change on the westbound 134! - And now tipster No-Neck reports that tipster Drabble is driving a vehicle
dr010202 -- with expired license tabs! - RRRRRRRRRR It's getting ugly out there, folks!
dr010203 -- Hi, Wendy! - Hello, Norman. - Get dressed in the dark, again? - Wow, how do you always KNOW these things??
dr010204 -- Wally and I are going jogging, honeybunch! JOGGING?? skattle skattle skattle - I've decided it's time to get in shape, so today I'm going to start jogging! Are you sure you can do it? - Of course I can do it! I'm going to start gradually, and
dr010204 -- increase my distance each day! - Come on, Wally! 'bye, boys! skattle skattle - - Forget something? No, that's far enough for today! Tomorrow we'll try to make it to the end of the driveway.
dr010305 -- Honeybunch, would it be OK to take myself an ice cream sundae? Oh, I guess it's OK to splurge once in a while. - Just don't use a big bowl! - Go to the cupboard and get one of those narrow sundae glasses! - Ralph, that's a FLOWER VASE! Oh,
dr010305 -- yeah, huh.
dr010306 -- - - fwip! - Cats and spaghetti: a dangerous combination.
dr010307 -- Z wiggle wiggle! - Z - AAAAAAHH! - Oogie loves to play! That's good, because she's about to become a tennis racket!
dr010308 -- Hey, Norman, Britney Spears just called to ask you for a date! - - - - Nah-ahh! - Really?? Yes, apparently she goes for the incredibly gullible types.
dr010309 -- Here's your sweater, Wally! - What is about dachshunds that makes people want to put sweaters on them? - Maybe it's because they have such strange-looking bodies. - Here's a sweater for you too, Ralph!
dr010310 -- * Be sure to enclose your remittance. * Do not send cash. - * Include lower portion of statement. * Make sure address shows through window. - * Do not staple, clip or tape payment. * Write your account number on check. - * Employees must wash
dr010310 -- hands. * Speed checked by radar.
dr010311 -- What's in the blender, dad? I'm making one of those diet drinks! - What's in it? 8 ounces of non-fat milk, 2 ice cubes, and a heaping tablespoon of "Skinny Quick" - I drink one for breakfast, one for lunch, then eat a sensible dinner, and the
dr010311 -- pounds fall off! - Is it good? You bet! Have a taste! - - It has a strange consistency! That's because I also threw in a couple of pop tarts!
dr010312 -- Sometimes I like to look at our photo album and reminisce. - Ahhh...those were the days! - The Drabble family, B.C. B.C.? - Before Cat!
dr010313 -- Here, I made you a big hot fudge sundae! - For me?? Thank you!! - Gosh, Norm! You're like a son to me! - Dad, I AM your son! Oh yeah, huh.
dr010314 -- I love the shower! It's the only place I'm safe from the cat! - la la la... bzzzz - la dee dee - bzzzz FLUSH OW! OW! HOT! HOT!!
dr010315 -- Is dinner ready yet? - No, Ralph. Why are you being so impatient?? - I can't help it, honeybunch. There's nothing in my stomach! - Wow, that's a whole lotta' nothing!
dr010316 -- Hello, sir! Is your house equipped with a home security system? - No, but we probably should get one! - My dad keeps a big wad of money in the cookie jar, and the lock on the back door is broken! - Have a nice day! And my mom keeps her
dr010316 -- jewelry in a...
dr010317 -- Is your card the...three of clubs? - Yeah, that's my card. YES!! I DID IT!! - Pretty incredible trick, huh, dad? - It would've been more incredible if it hadn't taken you 32 tries!
dr010318 -- - - - - OOF! That's probably not the best place to take a nap! Is the CAT all right?
dr010319 -- For homework tonight, read chapters 34 through62... - Write a ten-page summary, and be prepared for an exam tomorrow! - AAKK! - History teachers put the "Aakk!" in academics.
dr010320 -- - A penny for your thoughts. - How come we say "HERE HERE" when something is right, and "THERE THERE" when something is wrong? - I demand a refund.
dr010321 -- I have a stuffy nose! - Here...try some nasal spray. - SHOOOKK!! - Wow! That really clears your head! Actually, your head was pretty clear to begin with!
dr010322 -- Mmm-MMM!! - Great chicken, honeybunch! - Thank you! - Try not to make such a mess when you eat!
dr010323 -- I'm back! - I was absent for a couple of days because I was sick! - I assume the reason you didn't call to check on me was because you didn't want to disturb me. - You're so considerate! I thought your chair seemed emptier than usual!
dr010324 -- Well, Ralph? - Aren't you going to complain as usual? - Huddybunch, I chad hodestly say that your tuda casserol dever tasted better! I wish I had a stuffy nose!
dr010325 -- Mmmmppff! - No! Leave me alone! - Stop it! Go away! - AAAAAAAHH! - Ralph, wake up! You're dreaming! - No, I'm not. - Your stupid cat is attacking my feet!
dr010326 -- Come on, left knee! You can do it! - Keep going, lower back! Almost there! - Aaahh! - You know, you're getting old when you start talking to your body parts!
dr010327 -- Nice kitty... - Nice kitty... - Nice kitty... - SHRED - Bad kitty.
dr010328 -- - - OK, maybe I DO need to go on diet!
dr010329 -- You stupid cat! - Don't you realize that's a fake mouse? - How can an animal be so dumb as to get all excited over something that's not even REAL. - Wooo! Time for wrestling!
dr010330 -- I'm... Our photos are ready, so I'm going to pick them up. - You need to take Patrick to basketball practice at 5:00, so don't be late! - Penny is at Dana's house. Pick her up at 5:15. No Nintendo for Norman until his homework is done. Got
dr010330 -- it? - Oh, and take the lasagna out of the oven in 45 minutes. ...home!
dr010331 -- Excuse me, are you about ready to leave? - Yes, why? Because I'd like to sit where you're sitting! - There are lots of empty places to sit! Why do you want to sit in MY seat?? - Something tells me it's going to be really really warm!
dr010401 -- I love to feed the ducks! - I like to share my donuts with them! - It's fun to watch them snatch it out of the air! Watch... - - I don't know what brings this to mind, but how's dad doing on his diet?
dr010402 -- Yawn... scratch scratch - Ben Franklin was right... - "Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half shut afterwards." - Good morning to you, too!
dr010403 -- drum drum drum - drum drum drum - - Try not to use so many bandages, Ralph. They're expensive! I really hate cats.
dr010404 -- Zundel's Department Store ...and why do you want to return your new hammock, Mr. Drabble? - Let's just say we don't get along.
dr010405 -- It's the moment of truth, Norm. Time to see if I've lost any weight on my new diet! - YES! I'VE LOST WEIGHT!! - Shouldn't you be standing on the scale? Scale, shmale! I measure my weight by how much of my feet I can see!
dr010406 -- Whatcha reading, dad? The newspaper? - I like newspapers. They're always something interesting! I'll just stand here and read over your shoulder... - HEY, NORM, GO LONG! OK!! -
dr010407 -- - boop! - Hello? - Now it's official: Everyone on earth has a cell phone! Wrong number, but thanks for calling!
dr010408 -- I'm going to play in the ball pit, daddy! Me too! Be careful in there. - Last week a kid went in, sank beneath the balls, and was never seen again! - - Yeah, right! Maybe I'll just wait out here with you!
dr010409 -- - - - Hair is wasted on the young!
dr010410 -- I love being on food court duty! - Care for a free sample? - Don't mind if I do! -
dr010411 -- I saw this table first! No, I saw it first!! - Both of you calm down! When disputes arise in the food court, there's only one way to resolve them... - ALL RISE FOR THE FOOD COURT JUDGE!
dr010412 -- FOOD COURT IS NOW IN SESSION! - THE HONORABLE JUDGE NO-NECK IS PRESIDING! - Food court will now come to order! THUD - This isn't a gavel, it's a hot dog on a stick! Close enough!
dr010413 -- Food court is now in session! - Our first case is "The mall vs. an annoying guy with a cell phone". - Your honor, this man stands accused of... GUILTY! BAM! - Next case! We know how to move things along here in food court!
dr010414 -- Pretzel Palace Ringer!
dr010415 -- - - - - TOK! - Have I mentioned lately how much I hate cats? Not in the last two-and-a-half minutes.
dr010416 -- I'm all set to umpire the first game of the little league season! - How do I look? - Great, except you're supposed to wear your chest protector OUTSIDE your shirt! I haven't put it on yet!!
dr010417 -- STEE-RIKE!! - Strike??? That pitch was a mile outside, ump!! - You are GONE!! - It's always a thrill to throw out the first parent of little league season!
dr010418 -- STEE-RIKE!! - Achoo! - I don't take any lip from the spectators! YOU'RE OUTTA! HERE!! - I just sneezed! Gesundheit and good night now!
dr010419 -- STEE-RIKE!! - Strike??????? - YOU'RE OUTA' HERE!! - One too many question marks!
dr010420 -- - STEE-RIKE!! - - THUD - Am I good or what?!
dr010421 -- What in the world are you making?? - A peanut butter, potato chip, and oreo cookie sandwich! I loved this as a kid! - Some things you never outgrow! - The only thing you've ever outgrown is your pants!
dr010422 -- Hello? ...oh, hi, Mike! Is that Mike Bergen? - What? Tell him that we loved his wife's cheesecake recipe! - Huh? Also, tell him that I still have the book she loaned me, and I'll return it next week! - What? Hello?! Are you there, Ralph?? I
dr010422 -- said tell  him I'll return her book next week! - Huh?? I obviously called at a bad time. I'll call back later! Did you hear me, Ralph? - What? click! Oh, forget it, Ralph. I'll call her, myself! - How come the only time my wife wants to talk
dr010422 -- to me is when I get a phone call?
dr010423 -- Monday. It's always Monday. - Every time I turn around, it's Monday again. - How come it's never Friday? - I'd even settle for an occasional Thursday!
dr010424 -- Oh, no! We're having exam on QUANTUM PHYSICS today! I'm terrible at quantum physics! - Hey, wait a minute...I don't TAKE quantum physics! - I MUST BE IN THE WRONG CLASSROOM AGAIN! - I'm so relieved! So are we!
dr010425 -- This multiple choice test is hard! I don't have a clue for question number 3... - Pssst! Norman, what answer did you put down for question 3? A, B, C or D? - "B". Thank you. - That means I can safely rule out "B".
dr010426 -- - Aaahhh - CHOO! - I take it you got a haircut this morning. Thanks for noticing!
dr010427 -- Pssst...Norman! - What did you put down for question number 17? - "True". TRUE?? It's an ESSAY question! - I try to keep my essays brief and to the point!
dr010428 -- Moo, dang it! - I said MOO!! - What's with you? - I think I have mad cow disease.
dr010429 -- stretchy strecht strech! - WHOOSH WHOOSH - squeaky squeaky skwakk skwakk! - draw draw draw! - Look, Oogie! A big, fat mouse! - GO GET IT!! - BLAM - Sweet! I don't care if Oogie DID claw-up your golf bag, that wasn't nice!
dr010430 -- What are YOU doing here?? - Is that a message tied to your leg? - Ralph, On your way home from work, buy milk. - How on earth did you ever find me? I just headed for the food court.
dr010501 -- Another message? - Ralph, remember to pick up our clothes from the cleaners. Honeybunch - Your wife sends you messages via HOMING DUCK?? - Haven't you ever heard of a cell phone?? We're out of minutes!
dr010502 -- Speak up! I can barely hear you! - WHAT?? - YOU'RE BREAKING UP!! Another message? - HELLO? HELLO? At least homing ducks never break up! We quack up from time to time.
dr010503 -- I know I'm supposed to be on a diet, but a little donut won't hurt! - tap tap tap!  - - Ralph, Don't even THINK about it!!! Remember, I'm only the messenger!
dr010504 -- What now? - Another message? - feed the duk. - Who wrote this?
dr010505 -- - - I enjoy being on "backwards cap" patrol! ?
dr010506 -- Hey, kids! What's up? KLANK BRICK BONK  - Oof! Careful, dad! We're shooting hoops! - You'd better find a safe place to stand! - BONK KLUNK BRICK
dr010507 -- Good morning, bargain hunters! Welcome to Ralph Drabble's annual garage sale! - Before I open the door, let's go over the ground rules... 1.) You break it, you bought it. - 2.) Should you become trampled or injured in the mad buying frenzy, I
dr010507 -- am not liable. 3.) Drinks from the hose are available for fifty cents each. - C'mon! Open up!! Relax! Only 17 more!!
dr010508 -- Three bucks for THIS?? What on earth is it?? - Good heavens!! THAT'S not supposed to be out here!! - Norm, go put this back in the vault with all the other priceless antiquities! - Wait! I'll give you $5 for it!! Are you taking notes, son?
dr010509 -- I'll give you three bucks for this lamp. THREE BUCKS? - That's an insult!! - How DARE you come to my garage sale and make an INSULTING offer like that!! - OK, I'll give you four. A pleasure doing business with you!
dr010510 -- $50?? What is it?? - It's a bucket of dried paint with a brush stuck in the middle! - Why would you charge $50 for THIS?? It's a conversation piece! - That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!  See? You're already talking about it!
dr010511 -- Steinbauer! What are YOU doing here?? Treasure hunting, Ralph! - I've never seen a garage sale that didn't have at least ONE thing worth buying! - - ...until now. How about this unique wire sculpture?
dr010512 -- - - How much for the lamp? The garage sale is OUT THERE! Make an offer!
dr010513 -- YES! YES! MY DIET IS WORKING!! I'M LOSING WEIGHT!! - I can finally see one of my toenails!! Then again, you haven't clipped them for six months!
dr010514 -- Garage Sale Hey, Drabble, how much for this? - That's a portrait of my great aunt Ethel! - That's been in my family for generations! I could never part with aunt Ethel! - I'll give you ten bucks! 'bye, aunt Ethel!
dr010515 -- Yes! Yes!! I finally got the best of our evil neighbor, Mr. Steinbauer!! - He came to our garage sale, and I talked him into paying ten bucks for that painting of my ugly aunt Ethel! TEN BUCKS!! - Ah-HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
dr010515 -- HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA Hic! - Try to cheer up, Ralph. Dang! I laughed so hard, I gave myself the hic *hic* Ups!
dr010516 -- Hey, dad! Mr. Steinbauer is on that antiques appraisal show, with the painting of aunt Ethel! Huh? - I picked this up at a garage sale for only $10! - Mr. Steinbauer, before I tell you the value of this piece, you'd better sit down! - Poor
dr010516 -- Steinbauer! They're obviously going  to tell him he wasted ten bucks! In fact, maybe you should LIE down!
dr010517 -- Mr. Steinbauer, this painting was done by the renowned artist, Salvador Heyman! - This painting that you bought for $10 at a garage sale is worth... - $750,000! - Yahoo! I'm rich! I'm rich!! Gee, dad...if you'd known it was THAT valuable, you
dr010517 -- could've sold it for at least $25!
dr010518 -- $750,000?? But I bought it for only $10 at a garage sale! It's hard to believe the seller was unaware of its value! - Well, he's kind of an imbecile! Really? What's his name? - Ralph Drabble. I'll be sure to go to HIS next garage sale! - Ha
dr010518 -- ha ha ha ha hee hee ha ha! Hoo hoo hoo hoo ha ha hoo hoo! Look at it this way, dad...it's free advertising!
dr010519 -- Steinbauer, I demand the return of the portrait of my beloved aunt Ethel! - Sorry, Ralph. A deal is a deal. I sold it under duress! It was a clear case of insanity! - There are laws against taking advantage of people who are in a decreased
dr010519 -- mental state! - You're out of your mind! AH HA! So you ADMIT it!!
dr010520 -- skattle skattle skattle skattle - skattle skattle skattle - skattle skattle skattle skattle - skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle - JUMP! Sorry, Wally. I wouldn't have asked you to hop up on my lap if I'd known it was gonna be
dr010520 -- that much work! pant pant wheeze wheeze!
dr010521 -- You can't have your painting back, Ralph! A deal is a deal! - Steinbauer, if you don't return my painting, I will seek legal restitution in a court of law! - I will plead my case before the highest legal authority in the land! You mean...
dr010521 -- That's right! - Hey, cool! Dad and Mr. Steinbauer are on the JUDGE JUDY show!
dr010522 -- Mr. Drabble, please tell us why you're suing Mr. Steinbauer. Certainly, judge Judy... - But first, may I say that you are even lovelier in person than on TV! - Furthermore, I think you'd make an excellent addition to the U.S. supreme court! -
dr010522 -- You are not only lovely and smart, you are also... Oh, shut up! Yes, ma'am!
dr010523 -- Your honor, Mr. Steinbauer took advantage of me while I was in a decreased mental state! - In the frenzied confusion of a garage sale, he got me to sell him my favorite painting for only $10. - The fact that it subsequently appraised for
dr010523 -- $750,000 is irrelevant! I only want it back because it is a portrait of my dear and beloved aunt Edna! - Ethel! Whatever!
dr010524 -- I've heard both sides of this case,and I've reached a decision...judgment for the plaintiff! - I object, your honor! This is a miscarriage of justice! - Mr. Drabble, YOU'RE the plaintiff. I am?? - SWEET!!! I hope none of my friends are
dr010524 -- watching this!
dr010525 -- Welcome to the antiques appraisal show, Mr. Drabble! Tell us what you have! - This is a painting by the renowned artist, Salvador Heyman! It was appraised here last week for $750,000! - I just brought it back to see how much its value has
dr010525 -- increased since then! - Mr. Drabble, I think you'd better sit down... Oh, boy! This is gonna be good! I'm in the money...
dr010526 -- Bad news, Mr. Drabble...this painting is not by the great Salvador Heyman, it's by SALVATORRE Heyman, who painted by numbers! WHAT? - Last, week, one of your appraisers said it was worth $750,000! He's no longer with us! - You mean it's
dr010526 -- WORTHLESS??! OH, I wouldn't say that... - The frame is probably worth a buck or two! AAAAAHHH!!
dr010527 -- Happy birthday, honeybunch! Why thank you, Ralph! - Did you keep the receipt? Yeah, why? - I'll need it when I return it. RETURN IT?? - You don't even know what it IS, yet! How do you know you want to return it?? How do you know you're not
dr010527 -- going to LIKE it?? - Did YOU pick it out? Yes. - - Thank you. - Ah...I see you bought my birthday gift at the hardware store! Do you know how hard it is to wrap a 3/8'' variable speed reversing drill?
dr010528 -- swim swim swim splash splash - swim swim splash splash splash - LAND-HO!
dr010529 -- Ralph, I'm glad you're home! - The sink is clogged, the dishwasher is leaking, and the garage door springs need to be replaced. - You also need to fix the ceiling fan and take out the garbage. - Whenever she says "I'm glad you're home," it
dr010529 -- means trouble!
dr010530 -- Hey, Wally! Hop on your ol' dad's lap! - skattle skattle skattle skattle - skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle - To Be Continued... skattle skattle skattle ...Sigh...
dr010531 -- Editor's not: In our last installment, Wally the Wiener Dog was attempting to hop up on Ralph's lap. skattle skattle skattle - In fact, while I have your attention, I'd like to point out that we editors don't get the recognition we deserve.
dr010531 -- skattle skattle skattle - You have no idea how often we save the cartoonists from making complete fools of themselves. skattle skattle skattle - Oh, sure...some of them can draw funny pictures, but very few of them know how to spell. Can we
dr010531 -- get on with business down here?
dr010601 -- Editor's note: You know, it's not easy being a comics editor. Long hours, little thanks. skattle skattle skattle - But without us, certain cartoonists would look like illiterates. skattle skattle skattle skattle ...Sigh... - Watch what
dr010601 -- happens if I don't make any corrections... skattle skattle skattle skattle - scatl scatl scatl scatl scatl Pathetic, isn't it? Som wat's you're pointe?
dr010602 -- Come on, Patrick! Be a hitter! - THUMP! BALL ONE! Good eye, Patrick! - THUMP! BALL TWO! Good eye, Patrick! - BONK! TAKE YOUR BASE! Good helmet, Patrick!
dr010603 -- There there, Ralph... - I'm so sorry! - It's a devastating loss. HONK - AllI can do is offer my heartfelt condolences! - What's wrong with dad? - He left his frozen yogurt punch card in his pocket, and it went through the wash! One more
dr010603 -- punch, and the next one would've been FREE!
dr010604 -- One "Happy Meal" for Penny... Thank you, daddy! - One "Happy Meal" for Patrick... Thanks, dad. - And a burger and fries for Norm. Sniff! - It's a sad day when you realize you're too old for a Happy Meal! Most people realize it BEFORE they get
dr010604 -- their driver's license!
dr010605 -- Here, kitty kitty kitty shuffle shuffle - These papers are very important to me, so whatever you do, please don't... - SLASH! - And you wanted to buy a shredder!
dr010606 -- I can't remember where I put my glasses! You're losing your mind, dad! - Norman, highly intelligent people can misplace their glasses! - What makes you think I'm losing my mind?? - You don't WEAR glasses! Oh, yeah, huh!
dr010607 -- I just realized something... - This thin layer of plastic is the only thing between us and dad's pastrami breath! - I'm getting out! Me too! The thanks I get for blowing up the pool.
dr010608 -- ...here's another thing I've always wondered: why do they have minimum-security prisons? - Shouldn't all prisons be maximum-security? Isn't sending someone to a minimum-security prison like daring them to make a break for it? - Sleep! Z The
dr010608 -- hypnotic effect I have on Norman comes in handy sometimes.
dr010609 -- OW! - My tooth hurts! - Chew on the other side! - It still hurts.
dr010610 -- Come on, Wally! Hop on your ol' dad's lap! - skattle skattle skattle skattle - skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle - skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle - skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle - skattle skattle
dr010610 -- skattle skattle skattle - skattle skattle skattle skattle - skattle skattle HOP! We obviously need to work on your hopping!
dr010611 -- I weigh 250 pounds... - Holding 4 donuts, I STILL weigh 250 pounds. - So if I eat all 4 donuts, I won't gain any weight! - SWEET! I'm glad you're not a dietitian!
dr010612 -- - - - OOF! Isn't it amazing how cats always land on their feet?
dr010613 -- - SQUASH! - - Remember your rule, Ralph...only one donut per day! Gotcha!
dr010614 -- - OOF! - Why does this cat always jump on my stomach?? It's kind of hard to miss!
dr010615 -- There's only one thing messier than the inside of our refrigerator! - The OUTSIDE of our refrigerator!
dr010616 -- Look at the sign on the back of that truck, dad! - "This vehicle stops at all railroad crossings." - Isn't that AMAZING? They can actually build vehicles that stop at all railroad crossings! - Talk about your technological wonders! It's a
dr010616 -- great time to be alive, isn't it, son?
dr010617 -- A new baton! Happy father's day, dad! - It's not just ANY baton... It's the one you asked for! - A "mall cop crowd-pleaser." Sweet! I've always wanted one of these! This is much better than my old baton! - How come? It's longer! - So why is
dr010617 -- that better? - Holds more donuts!
dr010618 -- So long, honeybunch! - I'm going off to work,now! - wiggle wiggle wiggle - Nothing says "I'll miss you, darling" quite as much as a pinky-fingerwave.
dr010619 -- Some men like to live on the edge, Wendy! - Some men look danger into the eye and laugh! We thrive on the adrenaline rush of a disaster narrowly averted. - All I asked was why your shoelace is always untied! I'm trying to explain!
dr010620 -- Food Court Pardon me, Ma'am... - I regret to inform you that your friend just swiped one of your french fries while you weren't looking. - Score another victory for the security cam.
dr010621 -- The following is a test of the emergency broadcast system. - This is only a test: - AAAAHHH! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!! - Thank you.
dr010622 -- Norman! Why are you ringing my doorbell at this hour?? - Well, it's summer vacation so we don't see each other every day, and I didn't want you to forget me! - You know the old expression: "out of sight, out of mind." - You're out of mind,
dr010622 -- all right!
dr010623 -- This is the most poorly run fast food place I've ever seen! The lines are ridiculous! - I bought YOUR lunch, but I didn't buy any for me! I refuse to spend a penny more than I HAVE to! - Sometimes I feel it's necessary to take a stand! - Mind
dr010623 -- if I have some of your fries? I hate it when dad takes a stand.
dr010624 -- - - OOF! - Isn't it interesting how cats always seem to gravitate to the person who wants them the least? "Gravitate" is a good word.
dr010625 -- Hello. I'm Norman Drabble. - - Hello. I'm Norman Drabble. - Sweet! I never knew I was ambidextrous!
dr010626 -- Son, before you walk out that door, I want to say something... - It's a dangerous and confusing world out there. There are choices to be made, consequences to be paid. - As you leave this house, hold your head high and be firm in your
dr010626 -- convictions! - What are YOU doing back?? I just went out to get the paper!
dr010627 -- Hey, there's the crocodile hunter!! - This guy's great! Every day he comes face to face with the meanest and nastiest creatures on earth! - Big deal. bite scratch snarl claw!
dr010628 -- Did we get a new table? No, it's actually several cases of soda pop! - I had to disguise it to look like furniture because we ran out of room in the pantry. - That's one of the drawbacks of membership at bulk club. - Careful...you're sitting
dr010628 -- on a year's supply of macaroni and cheese!
dr010629 -- How come you never see a fat ant? - You'd think with all the sugar they eat, some of them would have weight issues! - It must be all the walking they do! - What do YOU think? I think I'm ready for summer vacation to be over!
dr010630 -- Aw, mom...do I have to eat this stuff? - You most certainly do! Why? - Ralph, tell Patrick why it's important to eat this! Uhh... - Well, you never know when you might want to be a contestant on "Survivor".
dr010701 -- Ralph, I'm glad you're home! Tell me what you think of our new bedspread. - I love it. - You haven't even SEEN it yet! I just bought it this afternoon! - Go upstairs, look at it, and THEN tell me what you think! - - - - I love it. -
dr010701 -- ...Sigh...why do I even bother to ask your opinion? - That's what *I* always wonder!
dr010702 -- Fourth Of July Fair Oh, boy!! - - Now there's a man who loves cotton candy! Sweet!
dr010703 -- - HA! MISSED AGAIN! - Dunk Steinbauer Give someone else a chance, Ralph! Norm, go find the nearest ATM!
dr010704 -- Close your eyes and hold still! - TSSSHH - That's the stupidest face-painting booth I've ever seen! What do you want for a quarter? The Mona Lisa??
dr010705 -- What if Kathy doesn't like the baby gift I bought for her sister-in-law? ...Sigh... - Honeybunch, you can't worry about EVERYTHING! - Who says? - Oh, yeah...I momentarily forgot who I was dealing with! Just because YOU'RE a lightweight...
dr010706 -- Ralph, why do you watch the same baseball highlights over and over on the sports channel? - For those who understand, no explanation is necessary. For those who don't understand, no explanation is possible. - ...Sigh... - Also, the batteries
dr010706 -- in my clicker are dead!
dr010707 -- Help me unload the car, Ralph! Unload the car?? - I thought you were just going to the cleaners! - I was, but a great parking space opened up right in front of the market, and I couldn't pass it up! - I 'm glad it  didn't open up in front of
dr010707 -- a jewelry store!
dr010708 -- HUSTLE, PATRICK, HUSTLE!! RUN TO THE BALL!! GET YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME!! LET'S GO!! DON'T JUST STAND THERE!! RUN!! BIG KICK!! ATTACK THE BALL!! - OH, COME ON, REF! GIVE US A BREAK!! Gee, I never realized I was so vocal! Maybe we shouldn't take
dr010708 -- the camcorder to any more of Patrick's soccer games. - Maybe we shouldn't take MOM to any more of Patrick's soccer games!
dr010709 -- Norman, wait... - - Just as I thought...Wendy really like me! Just as I thought...if you hold Norman's head to your ear, you can hear the ocean!
dr010710 -- I think we should go on the roller coaster before the line gets long. I think we should go on the train! Or the submarines! - I want to see the characters! Maybe we should have brunch! Let's do the raft ride! We usually spend the first hour
dr010710 -- at the amusement park trying what to do first.
dr010711 -- Hey! There's no line for the log ride! SWEET! - Unsweet.
dr010712 -- Sodas 4.00 - Lemonade 4.00 - Water 4.00 - I love theme parks! The theme of this park is "we gotcha!"
dr010713 -- WOOOOOOO! - AAAAAHH!! - Dad's idea of a thrill ride is the parking lot tram. Is it over yet??
dr010714 -- I'm so upset! - According to the scale, I'm two pounds heavier than I was last week! - That's not so bad, honeybunch! - I'm two pounds heavier than I was when I woke up!
dr010715 -- Ralph, why are you vacuuming? - Why shouldn't I vacuum? It's my house, too! - I contributed to this dirty floor as much as anyone! The least I can do is vacuum it once in a while! - I'm vacuuming because I don't think you should have to do it
dr010715 -- all the time! - - And also because I recently discovered the cat is scared of it! WHIRRRRRRRRR!
dr010716 -- Having insomnia is the loneliest feeling in the world. - Everyone is asleep except me. - What did I ever do to deserve this? - Besides refilling my coke cup  nine times at Burgerland!
dr010717 -- Insomnia is a cruel thing. - I want to go to sleep, but I can't! - Few things are worse than being awake in the middle of the night all by yourself. - And here's one of them. What a coincidence! I can't sleep, either!
dr010718 -- Dad, the key to overcoming insomnia is to relax. - Reading can be relaxing. Here, look at a book! OK. - SPROING! YAAH!! - Why would you give me a POP-UP BOOK?? It's one of my favorites!
dr010719 -- I know how to beat insomnia...let's watch TV! TV always makes me sleepy! - We'll find something relaxing. Let's see...the shopping channel, the weather channel... flip flip flip flip - - Never turn on the surgery channel when you're trying to
dr010719 -- relax! So, THAT'S what a gall bladder looks like!
dr010720 -- Here's something interesting...a televangelist is exorcising the devil out of some lady. - Now, how do you suppose she got to the TV studio? - Is it really a good idea to let a possessed person get behind the wheel of a car? - Maybe somebody
dr010720 -- drove her. That must be like trying to drive a cat to the vet!
dr010721 -- Hey, it's the antiques roadshow! I love this program! - Hm...that appears to be a Baltimore Silver Moneith bowl from the late 1700's, worth about $10,000. - What we have here is a Baltimore Silver Moneith bowl from the late 1700's, valued at
dr010721 -- $10,000! - You're amazing! Thank goodness for reruns!
dr010722 -- Bank - Gas - - - - - OK, this is getting ridiculous!
dr010723 -- Sweet! "Leave It To Beaver" is on! I didn't know it was on this time of night! - This is the episode where Beaver gets on the wrong bus! - More popcorn, Norm? - I never knew insomnia could be so much fun! Say, I wonder if there's any ice cream
dr010723 -- in the freezer?
dr010724 -- Z - Hey, dad! Wake up!! huh? - I finally fell asleep!! Why did you wake me up??!! - I didn't want to be the only one in the house awake! Thanks alot.
dr010725 -- FWAP! Oh, boy! What was that? - The morning newspaper landing on our driveway! Let's go get it! - You shouldn't go outside looking like that! - Don't worry. Nothing moves faster than a man getting the paper in his PJ's! You shouldn't even be
dr010725 -- INSIDE looking like that!
dr010726 -- SLAM! - Norman, please tell me you didn't close the front door! - I didn't close the front door! - Good, because if you did, we'd be locked outside in our underwear! It sort of just closed by itself!
dr010727 -- I can't believe we're locked out of the house at 4:00 A.M. - What time do you say it was? Four A.M. - It seems like four A.M. is an important time, for some reason, but I can't remember what! - Oh, yeah...that's when I programmed the
dr010727 -- automatic sprinklers to come on!
dr010728 -- What are you two doing out here?? - Ada and I both had insomnia last night, mom. We accidentally locked ourselves outside in our pajamas... - And the the automatic sprinklers came on and got us soaking wet. - AGAIN?? This has happened to you
dr010728 -- before?? It hasn't been a good month!
dr010729 -- - - CHOP chop CHOP chop CHOP - Sweet! I always wondered what would happen if I reversed the direction of the ceiling fan! Turn it off before I lose any more hair!
dr010730 -- Hi, Wendy! It's Norman! - I just called to tell you that I'm now a TV star! I'll be on network television tonight at 8:00! - ...the program? It's called "Caught On Tape: The World's Stupidest Human Beings". - I'm the guy with the weed
dr010730 -- whacker! Are you sure you want to publicize this?
dr010731 -- The video store? - I thought we're going out to the movie theater tonight! We were, but then I figured... - Why would I want to go to a theater with sticky floors, uncomfortable chairs and noisy kids... - when I have all that at home?
dr010801 -- Video - - - 10,000 titles, and nothing I want to watch.
dr010802 -- The video store Musicals Horror Action Classics Comedy Drama - The video store if Ralph Drabble ran things  Car Chases  The Duke  Monster Movies  Movies With Pie Fights  Stooges  Guy Movies  Movies With Monkeys In Them
dr010803 -- When are the movies due back? It depends. - Really popular videos are due back in two days. - Less popular videos are due back in five days. - When is "The Revenge Of Ol' Yeller" due back? April.
dr010804 -- One of the great mysteries in life is how video stores stay in business. - They rent movies for only a buck, they have stores on every block... - And there's never anybody in... - here. Until six P.M. Saturday night!
dr010805 -- Shoes Running Walking Court Basketball Hiking Running Basketball Athletic Walking Skate Skate Cross Training Running Athletic Court Channel Surfing Now we're talking!
dr010806 -- Yak yak yak! . What did you say?? - Yak! - Thank goodness for Animal Planet!
dr010807 -- We have a camp fire and a bag of marshmallows... - Now all we need are coat hangers. - Found some! -
dr010808 -- How's this? - Keep trying. - ...Sigh... You're the only man I know who's so cheap, he makes his kids re-bend coat hangers after they roast marshmallows. I call it "The Gift Of Thrift".
dr010809 -- I've noticed that baseball bloopers aren't as funny as they used to be! - I mean, look at that...a guy fell down. That qualifies as a blooper?? What's so funny about that?? - The problem is, we've experienced a proliferation of bloopers over
dr010809 -- the years, and now there aren't enough ones to go around! - You've given this way too much thought, dad. I'm telling you, our society has been overblooped!
dr010810 -- Look, dad! The wave is coming around the stadium! - Big deal. I hate the wave. No baseball purist would be caught dead doing the wave! -WOOOOO!! - Unless you need to adjust your shorts!
dr010811 -- Hey, Norm, check if my breath is bad. - HAAAAAAHH It's fine! - Hey, Patrick, check to see if there's anything in my nose! - All clear! And I thought I had a bad job!
dr010812 -- Here you are, sir! One large peanut butter and chocolate with cookie dough! - What's all this? - What? This! In between the yogurt and the inside of the cup! - I don't see anything! EXACTLY! - There's a whole lotta empty space in here! - Now,
dr010812 -- show me some love and top it off a little! - That was only moderately embarrassing. The squeaky wheel gets the yogurt!
dr010813 -- What are you doing? Putting up DONUT DAY decorations! - "Donut Day"?? It's a new holiday I invented! - Donut day is when we honor and celebrate the donut by hanging out in donut shops! - What makes you think it will catch on? I'm counting on
dr010813 -- the support of law enforcement.
dr010814 -- August is the only month without a holiday, so I invented DONUT DAY! - The idea is sweeping the nation! The NATION?? - Well, maybe not the entire nation...but it's sweeping the state! - OK, the Cul-de-Sac! I'd be happy if it swept the porch!
dr010815 -- Son, I've been named GRAND MARSHALL of the TOURNAMENT OF DONUTS parade! - Grand marshall?? It's an honor bestowed upon the person who ate the most donuts during the past year! - YOU ate the most donuts?? No, actually it was another guy... -
dr010815 -- But he can't make it because he's having bypass surgery!
dr010816 -- You're going to be GRAND MARSHALL of the tournament of DONUTS parade?? - What's the tournament of donuts parade?? It's the highlight of DONUT DAY! - Every float in the parade is made entirely from donuts! - Yuk! I'll be on the float right
dr010816 -- behind the artery cloggers dance ensemble!
dr010817 -- OK, let's go over our donut day activities... - After the tournament of donuts parade, there's a donut eating contest... - Then we'll do some donut tasting, and finally bobbing for donuts! - Let the fethh-tivities begin! I hope he doesn't
dr010817 -- drool all day!
dr010818 -- For you, my love! - Happy donut day! Why, Ralph! - I don't know what to say! - It's a necklace made of donut holes! I just thought of something to say: eww!
dr010819 -- HERE COMES THE PLUNGE! HANG ON!! - HERE WE GO!! - - Next time, I think dad should sit in the front! Could you lean forward a little bit, please?
dr010820 -- Well, dad, so far I'd say DONUT DAY has been a big success! - Everyone has enjoyed the contests, festivities, and the tournament of donuts parade! - I agree, son. I think there's only one word that can adequately sum up donut day... - SWEET!
dr010820 -- There's one other word: ANTS!
dr010821 -- Hello? Um! Fumph mmph thmf! I beg your pardon? - Mmphh um pmff thhpff! I'm sorry, but I can't understand a word you're saying! - Hi, mom! Dad was just trying to tell you that he won the "How many donut holes can you stuff in your mouth"
dr010821 -- contest! - My hero.
dr010822 -- Ooooohh! What's wrong? I ate 3 dozen donuts, but I still lost the donut-eating contest! - Ralph, your doctor has been warning you for years about the dangers of overindulgence! - What would he say if he knew you entered a donut-eating
dr010822 -- contest? He was the winner!
dr010823 -- Whoa! I'm stuffer, but it's a good kind of stuffed! - Why can't every day be donut day? - Actually, with you, dad, every day IS donut day! Oh, yeah, huh!
dr010824 -- Well, dad, I think donut day was a big success. You raised donut awareness throughout the country! - Not to mention his cholesterol level! ...dad? Can you hear me? It's interesting how his eyes look like little donuts!
dr010825 -- - - skreech! skid! slip! slide! spin! - It's a good thing cats have no sense of embarrassment! CRASH
dr010826 -- - ? - Who in the world are THESE people?? - I've never seen these kids before in my life! - Why is there a picture of strange children on my refrigerator?? - Those are your cousin Bonnie's kids, and their picture has been hanging on our
dr010826 -- refrigerator for at least two years! - You're so observant! I have a cousin Bonnie?
dr010827 -- - - How come when I jump in an elevator that's going down, my head doesn't hit the ceiling? - Nobody ever says "good question, Norman."
dr010828 -- phhoot! - I need more lotion! - You're the only one I know who can use up an entire tube of sunscreen in one application! I must be losing weight! I got it all the way down to my kneecaps!
dr010829 -- Whoa! - Never eat a half gallon of cookie dough ice cream immediately before baking in the hot sun! "Baking" is the right word.
dr010830 -- BEEP BEEP! Whoa, I gotta go! - Want anything, honeybunch? No thanks. - Good morning, Mr. Drabble. 'morning, James! I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing that the donut shop sends a limo for your dad every morning.
dr010831 -- - - Look at me! I'm a duck! - No offense, Bob. I think I'll migrate.
dr010901 -- - WHOOOP - Haaahh! sssssssssssssssss - WHOOOOP - Interesting way of deflating the pool! It's my breath and I want it back! sssss
dr010902 -- Lackluster Video I'm looking for a movie that doesn't contain any nudity, graphic violence or bad language. Sorry, that one's checked out!
dr010903 -- BELLY FLOP! - SPLOOSH! - That was quite a flop! It was quite a belly!
dr010904 -- FORE!! - FOOOFFE!!! - FORE! - Ready to go play golf, dad? Yeah, I think I'm all warmed up!
dr010905 -- tokkl okkl - Let's see...that hole was a par three, and you took a nine! - What would you call that? It's not a double-bogey, it's not a triple-bogey... - I like to call it a "PAR²".
dr010906 -- Golf can be an expensive sport. - I can understand looking for a lost ball... - My dad's so cheap, he looks for lost tees! Rats! I wonder if I can glue this back together?
dr010907 -- thwak - crack! - - tokkl okkl - Suh-SWEET!! That was the ugliest hole-in-one I've ever seen!
dr010908 -- A hole-in-one!! Congratulations, dad!! I have achieved golf immortality! - Your whole life changes when you make a hole-in-one, Norm! - yeah, for one thing, you automatically get nicknamed "Ace". - Can you imagine mom calling you "ace" from
dr010908 -- now on? I was just getting used to "Grunt head"!
dr010909 -- - - puff puff - WHEEZE! - AARRGHH! - PANT PANT WHEEZE WHEEZE PUFF PUFF You look like a scene out of ROCKY TEN!
dr010910 -- Describe your hole-in-one, Mr. Drabble. - Well, I was challenging 152-yard par 3! - Taking the wind conditions into account, I used my 7-iron to hit a shot with just enough backspin to land five feet beyond the cup and roll back in! - Don't
dr010910 -- forget the part where it bounced off a condominium! Shoosh!
dr010911 -- Ralph, Golden Irons Country Club would like to congratulate you on your great accomplishment! - Aw, it was nothing Tiger Woods couldn't have done! - My tee shot landed on the green and took three bounces into the cup for a hole-in-one! - I
dr010911 -- was actually disappointed because I intended it to take only TWO bounces!
dr010912 -- Ralph, Golden Irons Country Club would like to present you with this trophy for your hole-in-one! - This is the greatest moment of my life!! clap clap clapclap clap - And now, Ralph, it's customary for the hole-in-one golfer to buy drinks for
dr010912 -- everyone! - Say what? So much for the greatest moment of his life!
dr010913 -- In keeping with golf tradition, Ralph will now buy drinks for... - Wait a minute!! My hole-in-one might not count! It was kind of a cheapie! - For one thing, it was only 152 yards! - So? Actually, it was even less than that because he hit
dr010913 -- from the ladies' tee! Yeah, so that's cheating, right?
dr010914 -- Ralph, it's customary for the golfer who makes a hole-in-one to buy drinks for everyone! - Sir, I cannot take credit for that hole-in-one. I had too many clubs in my bag, which, I believe, is a two-stroke penalty! - I have too much respect
dr010914 -- for the integrity of this great game to... Oh, nonsense! - DRINKS ARE ON RALPH! When I count three, we're going to make a run for it!
dr010915 -- All right, all right...to celebrate my hole-in-one, I'll treat everyone to drinks! - Follow me! - NEXT!
dr010916 -- You're up, dad! I know... - I hate teeing off in front of a crowd. It makes me nervous. - Oh, well...here goes... - WHACK! - AW NUTS! WHAT A TERRIBLE DRIVE!! - THAT WAS WAY BELOW MY STANDARDS!! - What are you talking about, dad? That was
dr010916 -- beautiful! It was probably the best tee shot you've ever had! - I know that, and you know that but none of THESE GUYS know that!
dr010917 -- Norman, what time do you have? - 6:42. Let me rephrase the question... - What time is it? - Noon. Thank you.
dr010918 -- Hello? ...oh, hi, Connie! Connie?!! - Yeah, she's right heeee...I mean... - She's NOT right here! She's...uh...she's...umpiring a baseball game! - UMPIRNG A BASEBALL GAME?? Hey, if you want me to screen your calls better, go to MIME school!
dr010919 -- Remember, the future is now! - That's not true! How can the future be NOW?? The future isn't NOW, the future is... - - - NOW!!
dr010920 -- What in the world...who's been tampering with my radio buttons? - Me. I tuned them to classical music. Why?? - I thought it would have a soothing effect on your disposition! But I like the oldies station! - So think of this as the
dr010920 -- SUPER-oldies station!
dr010921 -- - boop boop beep boop - whirrrrr! - ATM donut machines: an idea whose time has come!
dr010922 -- Don't feel bad, Norm... - I nicked my face a few times the first time I shaved, too! - Maybe he should've used an electric razor. - He did!
dr010923 -- Hello? ...oh, hi, Kathy! - Yeah...uh huh... - ...oh, really? - gallop gallop gallop BANG BANG Is that right? - BANG BANG crash! Hold on a minute, Kathy... - BOOM Turn down the TV! Can't you see that I'm on the phone?? - Now, where was I? IN
dr010923 -- THERE!!
dr010924 -- SHOVE! - Penny! Why did you push your brother?! - He pushed me first! He did? When? - Last February!
dr010925 -- - Why are you squinting, Ralph? - I just noticed that if I squint, you don't look half bad! - Why are you squinting, dad? I got socked in the eye.
dr010926 -- - AAAAAAHHHH!! - Somebody call 9-1-1! I told you Norman wasn't ready for double-sided tape!
dr010927 -- - - GRRRRRRR! - It's an unwritten law that any loose fries belong to dad. Well, write it before someone loses a hand!!
dr010928 -- Hey, Norman! - Are you here today? - Yes, I'm here. Oh. - You're such a nothing, sometimes it's hard to tell. Thanks for asking!
dr010929 -- brush brush style style - SIGH... - Gee, honeybunch, you look beautiful this morning! - That's known as a PRE-EMPTIVE COMPLIMENT!
dr010930 -- - Pardon me... - WHACK! - Tell me again why you thought it would be nice to live near a golf course. Mind if I take some mints?
dr011001 -- Wendy, I want you to be honest... OK! - You have a weak chin, you dress like a child, and you run like a goose. - Your eyes are too close together, and you sound like a girl when you sneeze. - This is fun! Actually, I just wanted to know
dr011001 -- which book cover you thought was the coolest.
dr011002 -- - - BLINK! - Oogie has a highly developed "Startle" reflex! What the heck was that??
dr011003 -- Sit, Wally! Sit! - Roll over! Speak! Play dead! Shake hands! - Good boy! - I admire Wally's independent spirit! skattle skattle
dr011004 -- Hello, news radio traffic hotline? Tipster Drabble, here. - I want to report a...what? ...oh, fine, thanks! ...yeah, they're fine, too! - ...no, I haven't fixed my leaky roof, yet. ...yeah, I finally saw the doctor and he gave me some pills.
dr011004 -- - I call a lot!
dr011005 -- Look, Oogie! It's a bug! Go get it! Go nuts! - Yawn Rats! - Oogie's getting wise to the laser pen! - Oh, well...I still have Norman!
dr011006 -- Honeybunch, it's a wife's duty to be supportive of her husband. - You need to stand behind me once in a while! - I always try to stand behind you, Ralph. - That's where it's the shadiest!
dr011007 -- Penny, I wouldn't run through the house with grape juice if I were you! - - - - TRIP! - SPLAT! - Penny! Didn't I tell you not to run through the house with grape juice?!! No... - You said you wouldn't run through the house with grape juice if
dr011007 -- you were ME! - ...which I didn't understand. If I were you, I'd be more careful when giving instructions to Penny! I would've understood me if I were her!
dr011008 -- Dad, is it too early to be thinking about what I want to be for Halloween? skattle skattle - Actually, Norm, for most people your age, it's about ten years too late! I need time to think of a costume I haven't already worn!
dr011009 -- Great news, honeybunch... - I've decided to get into shape! - SNORKK!! - Rats! I hate it when soda comes out my nose!
dr011010 -- Honeybunch, be honest with me... - Do you think it would embarrass Patrick if I wore my wrestling mask to "Parents' Night" at school? - Probably. - Sweet! Let's go! It's the job of every father to embarrass his children. ...and my dad's a
dr011010 -- workoholic!
dr011011 -- Quick, Wendy! Give me a pen and paper! - Thanks! - May I have your autograph? World's Greatest GOLFER Norman needs a "World's Biggest Fenderhead" shirt.
dr011012 -- My dad can throw a football farther than your dad! - My dad can make more free throws than your dad! - My dad holds the world record for stuffing the most donut holes into his mouth! - That always shuts 'em up!
dr011013 -- I don't know why you idolize pro golfers! I can't think of a more self-centered profession! - It's not like they're playing for the team or the home town, they're playing only for themselves! - And they plaster advertising all over their
dr011013 -- clothes and equipment to make even MORE money! - And they don't even carry their own clubs! - She knows how to ruin a Saturday afternoon!
dr011014 -- - - CLICK! - I WAS WATCHING THAT!!
dr011015 -- Beedle-eedle-eep! - Hello? ..yes, sir! ...well, actually, I'm away from my desk at the moment! - HE'S SITTING IN A DONUT SHOP READING COMICS! - Mind your own business! I reserve the right to participate in any cell phone conversation within
dr011015 -- earshot!
dr011016 -- - There's nothing like walking to class amid the falling autumn leaves! - - Now you believe me when I say you use too much hair gel?
dr011017 -- Dad, I need to ask you a question... - Promise you won't laugh! I promise. - Well, I... SNORK! - Sorry, Norm...I just remembered what you asked the LAST time you made me promise not to laugh!
dr011018 -- Daddy, is it too early to tell you what I want for Christmas? Yes, Penny. - - - How about now?
dr011019 -- Tell me the truth, Wendy... - Have you ever seen a more stupid-looking face? - Should I or shouldn't I? I could take the high road, or I could...oh, what the heck! - No, and the pumpkin's looking pretty stupid, too!
dr011020 -- Hello? Oops, I'm sorry. I must have dialed the wrong number! - I was trying to reach the... click! - - beep boop boop boop beep beep boop! - Hello? As I was saying before you so rudely hung up on me...
dr011021 -- SPLASH! - - - - - stir stir stir stir - - The key to a good glass of chocolate milk is using just the right amount of syrup!
dr011022 -- Aaahh! There's a witch's broom by our front door! - Relax, dad! It's just a Halloween decoration! - Oh, good! - For a minute, I thought your grandma was here!
dr011023 -- Bzzzt! The dishes are done! - Gasp! - RALPH!! - Well, how do YOU wash grapes?
dr011024 -- Norm, why are you driving so slow? Just obeying the speed limit, Ralph! - The sign said it was *40*! Didn't you see it? - The sign said we're on HIGHWAY 40! It wasn't the speed limit! Oh..whoops! - I think I made the same mistake when I drove
dr011024 -- the 101!
dr011025 -- That's it! - We will never shop in that supermarket again! - Good heavens, Ralph...are you still angry? - It's not like that was the FIRST time you've ever been accused of hiding a pumpkin under your shirt!
dr011026 -- write write write write Does the "e" come before the "i" in "weirdo"? I think so. - write write write write write - Is "nincompoop" one word or two? One. - I don't mean to sound unappreciative, Wendy, but it's really not necessary to write a
dr011126 -- poem about me! Quiet! I'm on a roll!
dr011127 -- - - - That's the worst mummy outfit I've ever seen! My costumer got dizzy!
dr011128 -- I just love looking at the colors of autumn... - The reds, the yellows, the browns, the oranges... - The blues... The BLUES? - Blue isn't a color of autumn! - There's blue on that bag of Snickers bars! Oh, THOSE colors of autumn!
dr011029 -- What's going on? Why are you kids camped out on our front porch two days before Halloween? - If you want any Halloween candy from Mr. Dabble, you've got to get here before he eats it all! - My reputation precedes me! So does your STOMACH!
dr011030 -- Trick or treat! - Hey, great costume! - You're the host of "Weakest Link". - Good bye! SLAM!
dr011031 -- Trick or treat! munch munch - munch munch crunch crunch munch! - - Sorry, kids! We just ran out of candy!
dr011101 -- Trick or treat! - Sorry, kids, you're too late, we ran out of candy! - Mr. Steinbauer ran out of candy, so he's giving away money! - Trick or treat! I know it's you, Ralph. I recognize your wedding ring!
dr011102 -- - - How come your little bag held more candy than my big pillow case? - You're supposed to take the pillow out. Oh, yeah, huh!
dr011103 -- Hello, neighborhood kid. I've come to apologize. - I did not have any candy to give you on Halloween because I selfishly ate it all. - Please accept this king size "ABBA-ZABA", along with my sincere apologies for being such a garbage gut. -
dr011103 -- That wasn't so hard, was it? One kid down, 112 to go!
dr011104 -- Let's sit here! - - Hhhhhey, hhhhhoneyunch...hhhhhhow lonh until the moooooovie starts, hhhuh? - I hhhhhhhope it's funny! - On second thought, let's sit over there! - It's good to eat a garlicky meal before a movie, so nobody will sit in
dr011104 -- front of you!
dr011105 -- I'm the new COURSE MARSHAL at Friendly Hills Country Club! Course marshal? - I'm the guy who drives around in a cart and makes sure play is flowing along smoothly! - Like my outfit? Yeah, but one question... - Why does a course marshal need
dr011105 -- pepper spray? Triple bogeys bring out the worst in people!
dr011106 -- HOLD IT!! - Ralph Drabble, course marshal! I need to inspect your ball! - It should be exactly 1.68 inches in diameter. Your ball appears to be legal. Congratulations. - Thank you. Where's your bag? I need to count your clubs!
dr011107 -- Remember, golf is a gentleman's sport. There is no need to act like a wild man. Sorry. - I know it can be frustrating, but losing your temper only distracts the other golfers! - As course marshal, my job is to maintain the peace. Understand?
dr011107 -- Yes, sir. - NOW will you remove the handcuffs? In a while. You need some time to chill.
dr011108 -- - SQUASH - HEY!! Wow! That's a pretty bad lie! I'd use a wedge, if I were you!
dr011109 -- TWAKK! WAA HA HA HA HA! - Oops! I forgot...the course marshal should never laugh!
dr011110 -- Did I overhear you gentlemen giving each other golf advice? Well, yes... - Did you know it's against the rules to give or take advice from your partner? No, this is the first time I've ever heard that! - It's also the first time I've ever
dr011110 -- been pulled over by a golf cart! The siren was my idea!
dr011111 -- A DAY AT THE GOLF COURSE... BOOF! - Pizza - Yakkity yak yak - - - - Port-o Go Nice out!
dr011112 -- What made you think you needed to shave before we went out? - Let's just say I like to look my best!
dr011113 -- Go ahead, dad...you can do it! - Congratulations! - You know a person is serious about losing weight when they can throw away half a bag of... - fries!
dr011114 -- "...and they lived all happily after." - Well, Wendy? How did you like my short story? Z - Huh?? Oh, yeah...it was very powerful! - It brought lids to my eyes!
dr011115 -- I'm so excited! How come, Penny? - Tonight is Christmas eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve! - No, it isn't! That's tomorrow! - Tonight is
dr011115 -- chistmas eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve EVE! Oh, yeah, huh!
dr011116 -- Norman, I've decided what I want for Christmas: a bike! - You better tell the fat guy with the beard! - OK! - Wait a minute...Daddy doesn't have a beard!
dr011117 -- Oogie has such a cute personality! - Cats do not have personalities. - Only PERSONS have personalities! - Cats have VARMINT-alities!
dr011118 -- FORE! - Mr. Drabble hit his ball into our living room again, Edna! I hate living next to the golf course! The last time he did this, he walked in here and hit it back out! - Nothing could be worse than having a golfer walk into your living
dr011118 -- room to hit his next shot! - Correction. Is this ball a Titleist?
dr011119 -- Dad, I think it's time you learned how to use the computer! - Forget it! No way! I'm scared of computers! - Come on, dad! You gotta get with it! I'm PLENTY "with it". - In fact, right now, I'm going to go listen to my 8-track tapes!
dr011120 -- It's no use, honeybunch! I'll never get the hang of the computer! Of course you will! - I'm too busy! You're NOT too busy! - I'm too old! You're NOT too old! - I'm too dumb! You're NOT too old!
dr011121 -- Give me one good reason why I should learn to be a computer! - Give me one good reason why you shouldn't! - Give me one good reason why I should give you a good reason! - ...Sigh... GOTCHA!
dr011122 -- Look at the comics! Almost all the strips have the same message... - "As a gesture of thanksgiving, please consider making a donation at www.networkforgood.org to help those less fortunate wherever you live." - What a remarkable coincidence!
dr011122 -- There's one thing even MORE remarkable about it... - It actually motivated dad to try to use the computer! OK, now how do I get my money into this thing?
dr011123 -- I'm 46 years old, and I'll probably only live for another 40 or 50 years. - Why do I need to learn how to use the computer? - Because it's about time you joined the 20th century! - Mom, it's the 21st century! I know. He has a lot of catching
dr011123 -- up to do! Tell me again how to turn it on.
dr011124 -- It's no use! I'll never get the hang of the computer! - Ralph, I was just at the book store, and I found something that might help you... - "Computers For Fenderheads" - Gee, thanks! I also got you "Table Manners for Fenderheads" and
dr011124 -- "Personal Grooming for Fenderheads"
dr011125 -- - - - - - Gee, what a nice guy! - He's only waving at you because he wants you to go first, you fenderhead! Aw, darn!
dr011126 -- Steinbauer! What brings you to MY door? - Official business, Ralph... - The Homeowners Association wants to know when you plan t o remove the Halloween decorations from your front porch! - What makes you think my Halloween decorations are
dr011126 -- still up?
dr011127 -- I'm telling you, it's a one-stroke penalty! No way! I'm entitled to a free drop! - Where on earth is the course marshal when you need him? - Sweet! A Callaway!
dr011128 -- Come on! Open the window! And give me my order!! bam bam bam - Why is the drive-thru clerk just staring at me?? - That isn't the drive-thru window, dad! Up here, sir!
dr011129 -- I'm going to miss the leaves of autumn! crunch crunch crunch - Won't you, honeybunch? - I'm just hoping you to fix the roof before winter! crunch crunch crunch
dr011130 -- How do you like Ernie's new car? It's pretty! - Check out his personalized license plate! - "Thanks Ralph" - Who would have ever thought a donut shop owner could afford such an expensive car? Have you had your cholesterol checked lately?
dr011201 -- Oops. - Three-second rule! - If you drop food on the floor and you pick it up within three seconds, you can still eat it! - Sweet! A french fry! I see you also have a THREE-YEAR rule!
dr011202 -- Hello? Is this the news radio traffic hotline? ...TIPSTER DRABBLE calling! - I'd like to alert your listeners to a potentials hazardous situation on the southbound interstate. - Somebody lost a Christmas tree, and it's blocking the right
dr011202 -- lane. - Whoever tied it to the roof of the car sure did a lousy job! Over and out! - Sorry. Didn't they teach you how to tie knots at the scout camp?
dr011203 -- To correct a slice, grab the club so you can see three knuckles of your left hand. - On your backswing, your left arm should remain relatively straight, but not stiff. - Keep your right elbow tucked in to within a few inches of your body. -
dr011203 -- Did you remember to give the busboy a tip? Of course.
dr011204 -- - Norman, you don't look so good! - I don't? No. - I've been meaning to tell you that for years!
dr011205 -- scribble scribble scribble - - - Just once, I'd like to catch someone copying my answers!
dr011206 -- I'm so behind! I'm not even finished decorating!! - I have more cards to address! More cookies to bake! More presents to buy! - I'm a nervous wreck!! - Oh it's beginning to sound a lot like Christmas...
dr011207 -- Nine ladies dancing eight maids a-milking - Seven swans a-swimming six geese a-laying boodle-oodle-oop! - Five gollld rings Hello? ...yeah! ...what? - Never invite someone with  a cell phone to a Christmas caroling. You're breaking up! HELLO??
dr011208 -- - OOFF! - Watch those baked beans! You ride in the cart at your own risk!
dr011209 -- Oh, look, Ralph! We got a photo Christmas card from the Bingham family! - Don't they look cute? Mmm-hmmm - There's only one thing I enjoy less than getting photo cards of friends... - Getting photo cards of fiends in EXOTIC LOCATIONS! So,
dr011209 -- when are you ever going to take US to Hawaii, Ralph?!
dr011210 -- - - We've accumulated way too many ornaments, haven't we? - Hand me some tinsel! Z
dr011211 -- Ralph, I told you to buy green beans! That does it!! - Every time you send me to the store, you tell me I didn't buy the right things. This time I kept your list as evidence! - Show me where on that list it says GREEN BEANS! Go on! Show me!
dr011211 -- Where? - Right here. Oh, yeah, huh!
dr011212 -- Look, Ralph! It's the annual Christmas newsletter from the Davis family! - I love to read all about their activities and accomplishments during the past year! And look how the children have grown! - Don't you want to read it? Not really. - Why
dr011212 -- not?? BECAUSE THEY LIVE NEXT DOOR!
dr011213 -- Ohboyoh, oyohboy! - I love eating at the buffet! - You can find anything you want here! - Except a clean plate!
dr011214 -- Hey! There's a present for ME under the tree! - It's from Norm! - What the... We ran out of ribbon, so I used cheez whiz!
dr011215 -- - Amazing! - Norman's eyes seem to follow you around, almost like he's a real person! - I AM A REAL PERSON!! Oh, yeah...I keep forgetting.
dr011216 -- - - - - Penny, why do you have two stockings? Because I have TWO FEET, duh! Now, how come I never thought of that? How many feet do you have? I don't know. I've never seen them!
dr011217 -- Hey, Wendy, I was thinking... - - - Is there more to that story? Not really.
dr011218 -- Say, Wendy, I was wondering... - How would you like to come over to my place for egg nog and fruitcake? - Then we could listen to my new CD... "The WWF Superstars Sing Holiday Favorites". -Let me not come back to you on that, Norman.
dr011218 -- Okey-dokey!
dr011219 -- Last year we had a white Christmas. - This year, son, it's even better! - It's a red, white and blue Christmas!
dr011220 -- Welcome To The Mall - Seasons Greetings - Holiday Spirit Violators Will Be Prosecuted - Happy holidays! 'atta boy!
dr011221 -- If I hear "Jingle Bells" one more time, I'll... - Griping about Christmas music in the mall? That constituted a HOLIDAY SPIRIT VIOLATION! - What's the penalty? Well, since you're a first-time violator... - I'll let you off with just "the
dr011221 -- glare." Please! I'd rather pay a fine!!
dr011222 -- The penalty for your first holiday spirit violation is "the glare". - The penalty for your second violation is a stern talking-to! - What's the penalty for a THIRD violation? Go ask Santa! Hey, copper? How much longer do I have to do this?!
dr011222 -- Urp!
dr011223 -- I'm home! - On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...a partridge in a pear tree - What the heck is that? On the second day of chistmas... It's a musical wreath!
dr011224 -- Kids, it's time for our annual Christmas eve tradition... - Gather around and I'll read "A Visit From St. Nicholas" - Whoa! - I hope I'm on the right page! Every year, he holds the book a little farther away!
dr011225 -- Daddy! Wake up!! Let's go downstairs and see what Santa brought!! Z*Z - Penny, it's still dark outside! Go back to bed! - Let me understand this: the most famous person in the world just snuck into our home and left us gifts, and you're not
dr011225 -- even CURIOUS?? - It must be awful being an adult! Some days are harder than others.
dr011226 -- KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK! - No-Neck! - I just came over to say thank you for my gift, Ralph! You're welcome. - In retrospect, maybe buying a scarf for a guy named "No-Neck" wasn't such a great idea! Now where's that step?
dr011227 -- - - - Is it wise to eat potato chips while your diet shake is blending? Don't worry. They're "light".
dr011228 -- * - Wendy, what's the date? December 28th. - DARN! What's wrong? - I missed an Oktoberfest again!
dr011229 -- Patrick, your mother informs me that you failed to clean up your room. - Unfortunately, I think you know what I have to give you, now... Gulp! - - Not the GLARE!! Believe me, son, that hurt me more than it hurt you!
dr011230 -- CHHRRRRRRRKK! - bubble bubble fizz fizz - CHRRRKK! - fizz fizz bubble bubble - CHRRK! - bubble bubble fizz fizz - CHRR WILL YOU COME ON!! - Now I have to start all over! CHRRRR
dr011231 -- ...3...2...1... - SWEET!! - Anyone care for a pork rind? Your father is the only person I know who resolved NOT to go on a diet this year!
dr020101 -- Wendy, it's 2002!! So? - This year is the same written forward or backward! 2002 - Do you realize how rare and amazing this is?? - According to my calculations, this hasn't happened since 1936!
dr020102 -- munch munch munch - - ZOT! - You scare me sometimes! Cheese puffs bring out the animal in me!
dr020103 -- I just found out they didn't need me to come in early after all! - I know. your boss called last night. Why didn't you tell me?? - I left you a sticky note! Where?? - Right there by the phone!
dr020104 -- I can't find my sunglasses! - They're on your head! Oh yeah, huh! - How stupid can you get? - I can't find my sunglasses!
dr020105 -- ...3...2...1! Time for another! - Dad sure knows how to pace himself! A box of donuts should be a marathon, not a sprint!
dr020106 -- That's a nice new soccer ball you've got there, Patrick! - You'd better write your name on it before it gets lost! - Patrick Drabble 555-3190 - If found, please return. - Who am I kidding? Nobody ever returns lost soccer balls! - Finders
dr020106 -- keepers, right? That's the motto most people live by! What ever happened to ethics? - On the slim chance that this ball will be recovered by someone with a shred of personal integrity, I can be reached at the above number. - But I won't be
dr020106 -- holding my breath! I said to write your NAME, not an OPINION PIECE!
dr020107 -- - YANK! - POP! POP SHATTER! CRACK BREAK! BUST! - First the good news: I took down all the Christmas lights.
dr020108 -- Dad, please don't get mad at me... - A accidentally put a scratch on the side of the car!! - YOU PUT A SCRATCH ON MY NEW CAR?? - Sorry. New?? We've had that car since 1978! That's new by MY standards!
dr020109 -- Dad, can I draw a sketch of you for my art class? OK! - - - What are you doing? Looking for your good side!
dr020110 -- ! - wiggle wiggle - - I don't know which I hate more: cats or bunny slippers. bite! claw! snarl!
dr020111 -- Why are you staring at me? - You're easy on the eyes! - STOMP! - Hard on the toes, but easy on the eyes!
dr020112 -- Mall Attention, mall shoppers...has anyone seen my riot baton? - I may have left it in the food court or the men's room! - If found, please notify officer Drabble. A riot baton should only be handled by a trained professional. Thank you. - I
dr020112 -- hate it when that happens!
dr020113 -- What can I do for you, Mr. Drabble? I'd like to discuss my son Patrick's backpack. - Every day, the poor kid comes home from school with his backpack weighing a TON! - I think the school is sending the kids home with too much stuff! KLUNK! -
dr020113 -- Mr. Drabble, I understand your concern, and I assure you we have given the matter a great deal of thought. - In fact, here is our district policy concerning backpack weight.  - And here's a booklet outlining school guidelines, and here's a
dr020113 -- study compiled by the board of education, and here's a copy of my master's thesis... - How'd it go? Don't ask.
dr020114 -- Dad, I have kind of a dumb question... - There's no such thing as a dumb question, son. - How does the snow know to fall in winter, but not in summer? - There's no such thing as a dumb question, but that one receives a honorable mention!
dr020115 -- Hey, this is January! - I need to migrate south for the winter! - - There.
dr020116 -- 'bye, dad! Have a good day! - - - Dad's the only one who would think to put a "club" on a box of donuts!
dr020117 -- knock knock ...Sigh... - This better be important, Steinbauer! I was right in the middle of something! - What, painting? - No, eating barbecued ribs!
dr020118 -- Look, Wally! It's the cat! - Go get it!! skattle skattle skattle - He should be there by Tuesday. skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle
dr020119 -- arrr arrr arrr arrr arrr skattle skattle skattle - Wally's the only dog I know who can chase a parked car and still not catch it! skattle skattle skattle arrr arrr arrr arrr arrr
dr020120 -- Darn, I got the answering machine. - Hi, Tracy, it's me! Is anybody home? Hellloo! Pick up the phone! - OK, I guess you're not home. I was just calling to talk about book club next week. - Did you like the book? I hated it. Actually, I liked
dr020120 -- it up until the ending. - Are you going to invite your new neighbor? Let me know so I can get a head count. - Anyway, I guess I'll call you back later. - Or you can call me. I'll be here until 4:30! - ...or you can just call me on my cell
dr020120 -- phone. Or you can just keep talking until she gets home!
dr020121 -- Z RALPH! WAKE UP!! - Huh?! What's wrong?? You were snoring! - Snoring?? I wasn't snoring! Then what do you call it? - Power breathing.
dr020122 -- Z*Z RALPH! WAKE UP! YU'RE SNORING AGAIN! - Put on another one of those nasal strips! - Another one?? Where?? Wherever you think it will do the most good! - He is SO not funny!
dr020123 -- - - z - WAKE UP! YOU'RE SNORING AGAIN!!
dr020124 -- Z*Z Ralph! Wake up! You're snoring again! How am I supposed to get any sleep around here when... - That does it! - This situation calls for a pair of ear plugs! - Much better!
dr020125 -- RALPH!! Wha... - What's wrong?? Was I snoring again?? No, you weren't making a sound. - THEN WHY DID YOU WAKE ME UP?? - I was afraid you were dead!
dr020126 -- Honeybunch, I don't understand it...every night you wake me up because I'm snoring... - And now you woke me up because I WASN'T snoring!! - I told you, Ralph, I was afraid you were dead! - Do me a favor: next time you think I'm dead, wait
dr020126 -- until morning!
dr020127 -- DARN! - I HATE this game! - I give up!! - After today I'm calling it quits! I will never play another round of golf as long as I live!! - Dad! You chipped it in for a birdie!! - Hello, Friendly Hills Golf Club? I'd like to make a tee time for
dr020127 -- next Saturday!
dr020128 -- ...and then when I got to junior high, my math grade started to improve and then... ...Sigh... - NORMAN, RUN!! - -
dr020129 -- We're going to be late for school! Pipe down back here! - Look at all the cars in front of us! What do you want me to do? - Maybe tomorrow you should get your drive-thru donuts AFTER you drop off the carpool!
dr020130 -- I'd like a cheeseburger, no onions... - One large fry, a medium root beer... - And a a chocolate chip cookie! - This is a toll booth. What would you like? Out.
dr020131 -- Waaaahh!! What's wrong? - The wicked witch is gonna get Toto! Aw, Penny...you don't have to worry about Toto! - This movie was made over sixty years ago! Toto is way dead by now anyway! - WAAAAAHHH! Oops.
dr020201 -- Look! Oogie's got her head stuck in a paper sack! - Don't laugh. - The first time that happened to me, it was very scary! The first time??
dr020202 -- Swish! - Wow daddy! You're pretty good! - Penny, inside this chubby exterior is a graceful athlete! - Maybe even a couple of 'em!
dr020203 -- Whoa! - I'm late for work! - I need to hop into the car and go! - HOP! - SQUASH! - I wish honeybunch would remember to move the seat back after she drives the car!
dr020204 -- So you're the famous author, huh? I'm officer Drabble. - I've been assigned crowd control duty for your book signing today. - Looks like I probably won't need my riot stick!
dr020205 -- Are you an author? Yes, I'm... Of course he's an author! - Why else would he be sitting here like an idiot next to a pile of books? - If you were smart, you'd ask him to sign a book for you! It might be valuable some day! - Fine! See if we
dr020205 -- care! But if he croaks in the near future, you're gonna kick yourself!
dr020206 -- Yawn - - What are you staring at?! He's just trying to make a living! Beat it! No looky-looking! - Is it my imagination, or do you have more books now than when you started?
dr020207 -- Hello! Are you really the author?? Yes! How are you... - ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY STAND BACK! LET HIM BREATHE! GIVE HIM ROOM! - NOT THAT MUCH ROOM!
dr020208 -- I'm going to take a ten-minute break! - Hold down the fort! Yes, sir! - - Hello, ladies...
dr020209 -- Where are all my books? I sold 'em all while you were on your break! - I also forged your autograph, since everyone assumed I was you! - YOU POSED AS ME AND SOLD ALL MY BOOKS?? NOW, SEE HERE... - Can you go to my signing next week at the
dr020209 -- galleria?
dr020210 -- - - AH HA! - Hold the flashlight, Norm. OK - WHACK! - It's getting kind of dark, dad! Maybe we should go home! I PAID for 18 holes, I'm going to PLAY 18 holes!
dr020211 -- You know, Wendy, I'm not your average kind of guy... - I like to think of myself as a bit more sophisticated. - A bit more mature, more refined, more... - SLUG BUG!
dr020212 -- - - What are you doing?? Trying to see if your belly button's an innie or an outie! Dad's whole stomach is an outie!
dr020213 -- - Everyone is sure in a good mood today! - People have been smiling and waving at me ever since I left for school! - flap flap flap!
dr020214 -- What's wrong, Wendy? - I'm having a bad day. - That's too bad! - The good thing about being me is, I never know when I'm having a bad day! There's a good thing about being you??
dr020215 -- ...55...56...57... - 58...59... - ...60! - What on earth did I do to deserve a sixty-second GLARE?? It involves a missing Eskimo pie.
dr020216 -- - AHHHHH... - CHOO! - Bless me. snorf!
dr020217 -- Get up, boys! I'm ready to go home! - Relax! That's just the 30-minute warning! - I've been coming with your mother to her aunt Nadine's house for years. I know how this goes... - She tells us she's ready to go and then she starts talking to
dr020217 -- aunt Nadine again, and looking through photo albums for another half hour. - I used to hop right up when she said it's time to go, but I've gotten wiser over the years. - I said let's go! Relax. That's the 20-minute warning, Patrick. Go get
dr020217 -- me another root beer!
dr020218 -- Have I ever mentioned how much I hate ducks? Bob isn't a duck, dad... - He's a rare south American parrot that takes on the characteristics of a duck for survival in the jungle. - If he's really a parrot, then we should be able to teach him
dr020218 -- to talk! - Repeat after me: "Here kitty kitty kitty!"
dr020219 -- If that bird isn't a duck, how come he likes the water? - I told you, dad! Bob is a rare south American parrot that takes on the characteristics of a duck for survival in the jungle! - What makes him think he lives in a JUNGLE?? - He's seen
dr020219 -- our back yard! And, from a distance, you sort of look like a gorilla!
dr020220 -- Are you SURE he isn't a duck?? Absolutely! - Don't worry! We know how much you hate ducks! - I don't really hate ducks! I actually kind of like 'em! You do?? - Especially with sweet and sour sauce!
dr020221 -- Dad's getting wise to us, Norman! He's beginning to suspect that Bob isn't really a rare south American parrot! - What are we going to do?? I think I have an idea... - - - Nope, I was wrong.
dr020222 -- I wonder if they're just TELLING me you're a rare south American parrot because they know I hate ducks? - If I ever find out you're NOT a rare south American parrot, keep two words in mind: - Duck McNuggets - OK, he must be a parrot. I've
dr020222 -- never seen a duck sweat!
dr020223 -- Dad, I learned something today that's useful to know. - What? - You know how the dashboard light comes on when you're low on gas? Uh-huh. - I dos covered that when it comes on, you still have exactly 38 6/10 miles to go before it actually runs
dr020223 -- out! My son, Mr. Wizard!
dr020224 -- Oh, no! Not the camera again! click! - click! Aw, mom! I hate it when you take my picture! - Why can't we do anything without having our picture taken?? click! - Honeybunch, why on earth do you have to take pictures all the time?? click! -
dr020224 -- Wow! Can I have this picture? Can we make extra prints of this one? Can I hang this in my room? Gee, I look good! Can I give this one to Wendy?
dr020225 -- - I've come to realize that I'm nothing without you. - I've got news for you, Norman... - You're nothing WITH me, either! Oh, yeah, huh!
dr020226 -- Here, Ralph. I just washed your St. Patrick's Day shirt. Hang it up, please. - My St. Patrick's Day shirt? I'm a little behind on the laundry, OK??
dr020227 -- May I help you? I'd like to return this book. - Is there something wrong with it? All the pages are blank! - I'm not picky, but when I buy a book, I at least expect it to have some words inside! - Too bad...the title "Daily Journal" sounded
dr020227 -- so intriguing!
dr020228 -- Sorry I haven't fixed the sink yet! I'm behind schedule! - Even Ralph Drabble is entitled to run a little behind once in a while! - That's the first time I've ever heard "Ralph Drabble" and "little behind" in the same sentence!
dr020301 -- skattle skattle skattle - skattle skattle skattle skattle - skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle Wally is an easy dog to take for a walk!
dr020302 -- There's a new show on TV tonight! - Maybe we should watch it! According to the ad, it "breaks all the rules!" - Big deal. - When a show can be interesting WITHOUT breaking any rules, then you've got something!
dr020303 -- I'm home! Say, honeybunch, what's for din... - Never mind! - The red apron: honeybunch's warning to keep your distance!
dr020304 -- - SLUG BUG! Ow! - What's wrong with you?? - Sorry...I drove the kids' carpool this afternoon!
dr020305 -- Cell phones in cars can be dangerous. - Both hands should be kept on the steering wheel at all times. - What could be worse than a distracted driver navigating through traffic with only one hand? - SLUG BUG!
dr020306 -- SLUG BUG! - - SLUG BUG! whiff whiff! - Missed me! If you're gonna' play "slug bug", sit up front like a man!
dr020307 -- - - SLUG BUG! - Using binoculars to play "slug bug" is frowned upon by most purists!
dr020308 -- flip flip flip flip munch munch! - flip flip flip flip flip flip - SLUG BUG! - Bug cars you see on TV don't count! Oh yeah, huh. Herbie, come back!
dr020309 -- - - SLUG BUG! BASH! - If you ask me, you both got what you deserved!
dr020310 -- - SLUG BUG! - - SLUG BUG! - - - Slug Bug! Slug Bug! Slug Bug! Slug Bug! Slug Bug! Slug Bug! Slug Bug! Slug Bug! Slug Bug! Slug Bug! Slug Bug! Slug Bug! Slug Bug! Slug Bug! Slug Bug! - According to the Slug Bug rules book, it's not fair to
dr020310 -- intentionally drive past a Volkswagen dealership!
dr020311 -- I think maybe you like me a lot more than you let on! - interesting you should say that, Norman. Read this... - WHAM! - OK, maybe dot!
dr020312 -- Come on in and make yourself comfortable, No-Neck! I'll be right with you! - Just don't sit in my favorite hair, OK? - how am I supposed to know which is your favorite chair, Ralph? - Never mind.
dr020313 -- A new set of golf clubs! rip! rip! rip! Happy birthday, dad! - They're just what I needed! My old ones were wearing out! - Sweet! Didn't we just get him a new set of clubs for Christmas? Dad's clubs always wear out in a hurry!
dr020314 -- A shoe! Gesundheit! - How could someone lose one shoe? Ha ha ha! I made a joke! - Don't you think you'd notice if you lost a shoe? Get it? you said "a shoe" and I said "Gesundheit!" - Norman, RUN!
dr020315 -- - Hello? Yeah...I'm at the library! ...yeah! ...OK... 'bye! - Excuse me...are you a seven-year-old kid with a cell phone? Yes. - That's what I thought! Oh, what now?!
dr020316 -- - ! - - Yeah, like I'd ever be coming to get YOU!
dr020317 -- We're home!  - Anything wrong, honeybunch? I'm furious because my day was ruined!! - I had planned to spend the afternoon getting caught up on housework... - But as soon as you left, my friend Doris called, so I wasted the entire day talking
dr020317 -- on the phone! - - Why didn't you just tell her you... - mmMMPF Gee, we're sorry to hear it, honeybunch! - Son, the key to a tranquil domestic life is to never begin a comment with the words "Why didn't you just."
dr020318 -- I started my new exercise program today, honeybunch! - I just walked one mile! - Congratulations, Ralph! - I parked half a mile from the donut shop!
dr020319 -- - - BOO! - It doesn't take much to startle Oogie! Or to entertain you.
dr020320 -- My hair is going...my eyes are going... - My reflexes are going, and my brain is going. - Who says you don't have a lot going for you, dad!
dr020321 -- Norm, I feel like dispensing some fatherly advice... - Step into my study! - Dad, one of these days, you need to get yourself a real study! Use your imagination, OK??
dr020322 -- Tell me, son...have I given you the GLARE lately? No. - - What was THAT for?? A father should give his son the glare once a week, whether he needs it or not!
dr020323 -- Step into my study, son! - Whoops! Excuse me! - Can't a person have any privacy around here?? It's got a lock, you know!
dr020324 -- - ! - - - - SLUG BUG! - Sorry, dad. I'm a weak man! Giving up "Slub Bug" takes a lot of willpower.
dr020325 -- Hello, Mr. Drabble. Why, hello, troy! What brings you here? - I'm running for student body president, and i need a letter of recommendation from a respected member of the community. - I'm honored, Troy! What made you think of me? - Nobody
dr020325 -- else in the neighborhood is home!
dr020326 -- In order for me to run for student body president, I need a letter of recommendation from a respected member of the community. - You've come to the right place, Troy... - Being a professional mall cop, my endorsement carries a lot of weight!
dr020326 -- - So does his patrol car! My wife's a comic, did you know that?
dr020327 -- So you need a letter of recommendation, eh, Troy? Let's see what we can do... - "I can honestly say that I have known and admired Troy for the past ten years." - Don't write that, Mr. Drabble! Why not? - I'm only eight years old! OK, I'll
dr020327 -- leave out the "honestly".
dr020328 -- "I heartily recommend Troy for the office of student body president. - "Troy will rid our school of corruption, increase teachers' salaries, and reduce class size." - How in the world can I reduce class size?? - You could be absent now and
dr020328 -- then!
dr020329 -- Try, with my letter of recommendation, you're a shoo-in for student body president! - Tell me what you think! - It's fine, Mr. Drabble, except for one small detail... - I never received the congressional medal of honor. Do you want to win
dr020329 -- this election or not??
dr020330 -- Fetch the ball, Wally! - skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle - BOUNCE! - Thank goodness for walls! CLOMP! skattle skattle
dr020331 -- - - - TOK! - Sweet! Oogie found the missing easter egg! Tomorrow we'll play "find the missing cat"!
dr020401 -- Not particularly. - Don't you think that would be funny? RROOWR! - Because today is april fools' day! - How come? Hey, dad, I think today's comic strip should go in reverse order!
dr020402 -- ...Sigh... - Why, good day, officer! - May I say, on behalf of the entire community, that we appreciate the fine work you do each and every day! - License and registration, please. Rats.
dr020403 -- Is this your correct address, Mr. Drabble? - Absolutely, officer! I've resided at that location for 13 years, and I could provide numerous character references! - Do you happen to know what the speed limit is on this street, Mr. Drabble?
dr020403 -- Speed limit?? Uhhh... - I'm hoping it's about 70 or 80!
dr020404 -- You were going 62 in a 45 MILE PER HOUR zone. - Were you in a hurry? Why, no, sir! - I was just on my way to donate blood and ten to do volunteer work at my local church! - I thought you were going to the liquor store to buy lottery tickets!
dr020404 -- Shush!
dr020405 -- Officer, I can explain this whole thing. Please don't, Norm. - The reason my dad wasn't looking at the speedometer is because we were playing "Slug Bug". "Slug Bug??" - Every time you see a bug car on the road, you slug your opponent and say
dr020405 -- "Slug Bug" before he slugs you! ...Sigh... - It gets a little distracting. In fact, we almost rear-ended a cement mixer! Don't come visit me in jail, OK, Norm?
dr020406 -- You were playing "Slug Bug" while you were driving?? It's addictive! My son taught me this dumb game, and now I can't stop playing it! - Every time I see a... - SLUG BUG! - Please tell me I didn't just strike a police officer! I think he's a
dr020406 -- highway patrolman! Step out of the car, please.
dr020407 -- Norman, I need to do a psychology experiment, Let's play word association! - I'll say a word, then you say the first thing that pops into your mind. Here we go... - Moon. - - - - - It shouldn't be that hard, Norman. Dang! Something was just
dr020407 -- about to pop into my mind, but you knocked it back out!
dr020408 -- You know what my idea of fun is? - Driving around the parking lot of the mall playing "Slug Bug". - Yeah..."Slug Bug" is sweet! - One good thing about being you, Norman, is that you'll never be a victim of identity theft. I also like to spin
dr020408 -- around in the back yard and get dizzy!
dr020409 -- bite bite snarl claw - pick pick knead knead - claw claw drag drag - I though cats were supposed to be aloof! bite snarl claw - It's your magnetic personality!
dr020410 -- - Hi, Wend- Norman RUN! - I believe i ending a boring conversation as quickly as possible!
dr020411 -- Hi, honeybunch! - Anything wrong? - I'm trying very hard not to be mad at you. - Something tells me you're not trying hard enough!
dr020412 -- I just realized something...there are a lot of rich and powerful people named "Ted". - There's Ted Turner, Ted Koppel... - - Larry King... Norman, RUN!
dr020413 -- WHOOOOOP! - Honeybunch... No, you can't have a bowl of ice cream! Woooooooooshh Whenever he asks to eat something fattening, he always sucks in his stomach!
dr020414 -- Norman, let's try again to play word association! - I'll say a word, and you say the first thing that comes to your mind. - Ready? Freddy! - What? When! - No.. Yes! - Stop! Go! - NORMAN! DRABBLE! - Sorry. Ouch!
dr020415 -- chomp chomp - munch munch munch - MOO! - This is probably a silly question, son, but how do you like that hypnosis book? It's fun!
dr020416 -- I know it's the right thing to do... - But it's so hard to say goodbye! sniff! - You were the best oven mitts I ever had! Mom, if you don't want to get rid of them, you don't have to! She puts the "mental" in sentimental!
dr020417 -- You were right, dad. It wasn't him. - Told you. - Well, it kind of looked like him! - Norman, why would Prince Charles be sitting in a Laundromat? It could happen!
dr020418 -- You know what? What? - When I was little, I used to think my teachers lived at school. - HA HA HA snicker snicker - You mean they don't?
dr020419 -- - I'd like a double cheeseburger, one large fry and a chocolate shake. - My car's in the shop!
dr020420 -- - Whoa! - You know you're getting old when you can no longer read the year on a nickel. - That's a quarter. It is?
dr020421 -- - - - - - Who knew THE GLARE worked on cats!
dr020422 -- You've grown another half-inch, Patrick! - Look how big you've been getting! - What are THOSE lines for, Mom? - This is where we see how big your DAD is getting. OK, so I've put on another pound or two!
dr020423 -- Don't eat it yet. It's very hot. - HAAAH HOT HOT HOT HOOO What part of "Don't eat it yet. It's very hot." does the male mind not understand?
dr020424 -- - - scoot! WHAM! - Oops. Now I know why my mom says not to rest my elbows on the table!
dr020425 -- Go here! Go there! - Do this! Do that! Everybody wants me for something! - There just isn't enough of me to go around! - Actually, dad... Oh, shut up!
dr020426 -- Steinbauer! I warned you never to darken my door again! - SIC HIM, WALLY! - skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle - That's quite an attack dog you have there, Ralph! skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle If you
dr020426 -- don't mind, Steinbauer, get a little closer to him!
dr020427 -- ...opens Friday in a theater near you! - This film contains intense thematic material, graphic violence, some nudity, drug content and coarse language. - May not be appropriate for children under 13. - Who would it be appropriate for,
dr020427 -- exactly??
dr020428 -- scribble scribble scribble - - scribbly scribbly scribbly scribbly scribbly scribbly - SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE - SCRIBBLE SCRIBBLE SCRIBBLE SCRIBBLE -  SCRIBBLE SCRIBBLE SCRIBBLE - You know, dad, there comes a time when you just need to accept the
dr020428 -- fact that your pen is out of ink. Next time, I hope it's before you shred the tablecloth! I just bought this pen in 1997!
dr020429 -- May I take your order, please? In a minute, you little whipper-snapper. - I'm still trying to read the menu. My eyes aren't what they used to be! - Let's see...I need something easy to chew. I hate it when dad tries to get the senior
dr020429 -- discount. At least he didn't wear his shawl!
dr020430 -- Excuse me...if you were my wife, would you prefer a funny birthday card or a MUSHY birthday card? - If I were your wife, I'd prefer a SYMPATHY card!
dr020501 -- Those two reviewers on TV gave this movie two thumbs up! - Does that mean it's only average? No, it means it's GREAT! - Why on earth would you think two thumbs up meant only AVERAGE?? - They've got four thumbs!
dr020502 -- You know that guidance counselor-type dude at school? - He says maybe I oughta learn me a second language! I think you should try to learn a FIRST language!
dr020503 -- Hey, this isn't a glue stick! - This is lip balm! - Where's the glue stick? - Thank you. Mmmmmpppf.
dr020504 -- RING! - It's for you. How do you know? - - Oh, yeah...it's ALWAYS for me, huh?
dr020505 -- I looked outside and it was raining, so I put on my raincoat... - But when I went outside, the rain had stopped, so I went back in and took off my raincoat... - But when I went back outside, it was raining again. - So when I went back inside
dr020505 -- and put back on my raincoat... - But by the time I went back outside, the rain had stopped again, so I... - NORMAN, RUN! - - Why didn't I think of that twenty minutes ago?
dr020506 -- ...OK, mom! 'bye! - Ralph, guess what! My mother is going on a cruise to Mexico! Great. - She'll be gone for a week! Good for her. - and we're going to baby-sit her little dog, Gig! WHAT WAS THAT LAST PART??!!!
dr020507 -- While my mother takes a week-long cruise, we're going to babysit her dog, Gigi! - No way! That dog is spoiled rotten! I will not have that yappy little dog in my house for a week! - I'm putting my foot down! - Oops. Excuse me. - Every time I
dr020507 -- put my foot down, somebody steps on it! hop hop hop
dr020508 -- My mother brought over everything we'll need to take care of her dog, Gigi! - Gig's bed, her special food, her blanket, her pillow, toys, sweater, shampoo, medicine, hair bows, nail polish... - And a video of mother saying good night that I'll
dr020508 -- play when Gig goes to sleep. - Did she happen to send an airsick bag for me? Oh, hush!
dr020509 -- Come on out, Gigi! This will be your home for the next week! - whimper whimper whimper - Oh, poor Gigi! Why are you so upset? whimper whimper - Maybe she just saw herself in a mirror! Poor baby!
dr020510 -- Ralph, we're only watching my mother's dog Gigi for a week! - Why are you so bent out of shape about it? It's not just me, honeybunch! - Our other pets are pretty upset about it, too! - Poor Wally's been trying to run away for an hour!
dr020510 -- skattle skattle skattle
dr020511 -- Hello? ...oh, hi! - It's our mother calling from the cruise ship! - ...Gigi? Don't worry about Gigi! We've got a search party scouring the neighborhood, and there's at least two hours of daylight left! - GIVE ME THAT PHONE! If worse comes to
dr020511 -- worst, I'll post a reward!
dr020512 -- Here's your breakfast, Ralph. - Thanks, honeybunch! - Happy mother's day! - PPPPFFFFF - The holidays can sneak up on you, huh, dad? I'll be back in about an hour! I'll try to act surprised.
dr020513 -- Oogie, I owe you an apology. - Over the years, I've made disparaging remarks about you, and I was wrong. - Since we've been taking care of Gigi, I've come to realize what a pleasure you are! pant pant pant After Gig's 8:00 bubble bath, she
dr020513 -- gets warm milk and a cookie! claw claw claw
dr020514 -- What's cooking, honeybunch? Filet mignon. - Mmm-MMM! It's not for you, it's for Gig. She has it every Tuesday. - You get the leftover meatloaf! - Ralph! Stop begging!
dr020515 -- Oh, dear! Poor Gig is upset again! pant pant pant Gasp! Gigi's upset?? Heavens to betsy! What could be wrong?? Was her filet mignon not tender enough?? - Did we not fluff her pillow properly? Was her bath water not tepid enough? Patrick, call
dr020515 -- 9-1-1. - For a DOG?? No, for your dad. Is our mattress too firm??
dr020516 -- The VET?? Why do we need to take Gigi to the VET??! - Because she seems upset! Mother said to take Gigi to the vet if we ever suspect anything is wrong! pant pant pant - We're taking her to the vet because she seems UPSET?? - In that case, I
dr020516 -- must be a case for the E.R. Don't forget your wallet! pant pant pant
dr020517 -- We're back from the vet! pant pant pant - He said the reason Gig has been acting upset is because she's in unfamiliar surroundings. pant pant pant pant - He prescribed a tranquilizer and said that it should calm things down around here. pant
dr020517 -- pant pant - Z So far, so good! pant pant pant
dr020518 -- Ralph, my mother returns from her vacation today! Is she going to pick up Gigi? - Yes, so go get Gigi ready to go! With pleasure! - This is the happiest day of my life! - Gigi?
dr020519 -- Drabble for three! - KLANK! - THUD THUD THUD - BONK - - - - - IN AND OUT! I WAS ROBBED!!
dr020520 -- Honeybunch, Gigi is... Ralph, it's my mother! Her cruise ship just returned to port! - Here...she wants to talk to Gigi! Gigi?? Uh...OK, sure! - Hang on, here's Gigi... - pant pant pant pant
dr020521 -- Steinbauer! You've got to help me find my mother-in-law's dog, GIGI1 Huh? - We've been watching Gigi while she went on a cruise! She's coming back TODAY!! - My mother-in-law treats that dog like a queen! Her world revolves around Gigi! If
dr020521 -- Gigi is gone, I'm a dead man! Gee, Ralph. That's too bad. - So, forgive me for laughing: WOO HOO HEE HEE HOO HA! Thanks for feeling my pain!
dr020522 -- GIGI! OH. GIGI!! You should offer a reward, Ralph. - That's not a bad idea! I'll offer $10! $10? Who's going to help you for $10?? Make it $100! - $100?? No way! That dog has already cost me a fortune in vet bills and filet mignon! - Ralph,
dr020522 -- you have one hour to find Gigi, OR ELSE! ...on the other hand, $100 sounds reasonable!
dr020523 -- Tell me, Ralph, is it $100 for the dog's return, or $100 for information? - For example, if you paid me $100 for information, and then I happened to find the dog, would you pay me ANOTHER $100? - Steinbauer, if I didn't know better, I'd think
dr020523 -- that you... - Excuse me. I need to check my barbecue! IS THAT FILET MIGNON I SMELL??
dr020524 -- Steinbauer, I believe you have information regarding the whereabouts of GIGI! - And I believe you're offering a reward for such information. - I'm not giving you any money! You're the one who told me to offer the reward in the FIRST PLACE!! -
dr020524 -- Uh-oh! Is that your mother-in-law's taxi I see? Tens and twenties OK?
dr020525 -- All right, Steinbauer, you win! I'm a desperate man! - Here's the reward money! - NOW TELL ME WHERE GIGI IS!! - Right behind you! Silly Gigi! She was under the bed the whole time! pant pant pant
dr020526 -- May I take your order, please? Yes, we'd like one double-cheeseburger and two single cheeseburgers... - Hold the pickles and onions on one of the single cheeseburgers and put the extra pickle on the double cheeseburger! Uhhh. - We also want
dr020526 -- one crispy chicken combo meal, but substitute onion rings for the fries and a chocolate shake for the soda. Uhh. OK, um...wait - Then we need one small root beer, one small lemonade, and a medium orange soda  with a dish of Dr. Pepper's. Put
dr020526 -- the two small drinks in medium cups because they fit better in the cup holders! Got all that? - Hello? - - This isn't the first time mom has sent a drive-thru clerk running for cover. I didn't even get to tell him I have coupons!
dr020527 -- Ahhhh... - There's nothing more relaxing after a hard day's work than sitting in the spa! - BiBuBiBuBiBuBiBu Can't you guys make the bubbles any bigger? Maybe you should save your money and buy a REAL spa!
dr020528 -- - POUNCE! bite bite snarl claw YEEOW!! - Good kitty! - GOOD KITTY?? You could've been a mouse!
dr020529 -- - - I could have daaaaaaanced all niiiiiight... - What a relief! I thought the coyotes had our cat!
dr020530 -- I'm home! Take off your shoes! - Why? Did you clean the carpet? - YEEEOOWW! - No, I lost a staple, and I needed you to find it before anyone got hurt!
dr020531 -- flip flip flip YIKES!! TURN THAT OFF!! - I can't bear to watch those closeup surgical procedures!! - This isn't the surgery channel, it's the cooking channel! - They're just stuffing a turkey. I wondered why the doctor looked like Emeril!
dr020531 -- Bam!
dr020601 -- I'm back from the video store! - Did you rent "Abbott and Costello meet Frankenstein"?? - No, I rented "Sense and Sensibility" - I hate it when mom goes to the video store! I'll watch SENSE but not SENSIBILITY.
dr020602 -- ...and the Gilligan said to the professor... - NORMAN, RUN! - Nah-ahh! You just want me to run away and leave you alone! - I'm finally wise to that little game, and I won't fall for it anymore! - Whenever I start to bore you, you shout "run"
dr020602 -- so I'll panic and flee! - Do you really think that I'm stupid enough to fall for the same trick over and over and over and... - - A delayed reaction is better than nothing.
dr020603 -- Hello, you sweet kitty! - Mommy loves you! - Why is it that you seem to like that cat more than you like me?? - For one thing, the cat cat doesn't shed as much!
dr020604 -- This golf ball is the property of Ralph Drabble. - If found, please call 555.6771. - You don't have a lot of confidence in your tee shots these days, do you, dad? Maybe I should include my area code!
dr020605 -- Hey, there's my ball! - I thought you sliced it way out into the woods! Nope! That is definitely my ball! - It should be easy to tell. You always write your name on it! - This ball says "Bob". Who are you going to believe, me or a ball?
dr020606 -- Lounging on the couch, watching TV! - How could you be lazier?? I can't find the remote... - Will you feel around underneath me and see if I'm lying on it? I had to ask.
dr020607 -- You need to put your dog on a leash, Steinbauer! - It's rude to let him run all over the neighborhood! - You never put YOUR dog on a leash! - Wally doesn't need a leash! skattle skattle skattle skattle
dr020608 -- Honeybunch, I'm starving! - I've eaten nothing all day! NOTHING?? - Nothing except for a Granola bar... - ...and a double chili cheeseburger! For you, that's nothing.
dr020609 -- We're off the zoo! - Whoops, I forgot my keys! - Oh, there they are! - Hey, where's my wallet? - Whoa! Why did I come back in here? - Oh, yeah, I forgot my wallet! - No, it's in my pocket! - Did I lock the door? Wha ton earth is he doing? I
dr020609 -- call it the "midlife mambo".
dr020610 -- Excuse me, sir. Are you officer Dabble? - Uh-huh. Mall cop first class Chambers reporting for duty, sir! - A new recruit! Welcome aboard, rookie! - Don't worry, I'll whip you into shape in no time! Here, have a corn dog!
dr020611 -- Excuse me, officer...can you tell me where the restroom is? - Certainly, ma'am. It's halfway down the corridor, second door on your left. Thank you. - No no no, Chambers...that's not the way a seasoned mall cop answers a question like that!
dr020611 -- - The correct response is: "What do I look like, a directory?" Repeat after me...
dr020612 -- Chambers the key to being a successful mall cop is FOCUS! - Never lose your focus, because... - Care to sample our teriyaki chicken? Don't mind if I do! - What was I talking about? I forget.
dr020613 -- Chambers, from 2:00 to 3:00, we're on escalator duty. Escalator duty? - We ride the escalators up and down to make sure everything is OK! - What could be lazier than standing on an escalator for an hour? - Oh.
dr020614 -- Chambers, the food court vendors like to have mall cops around. They like the sense of security! - Watch and I'll show you a little trick of the trade... - WELL, I THINK WE'LL MOSEY ON OVER TO MACY'S NOW! - You boys care for some pizza? How
dr020614 -- about some ice cream? Sweet, isn't it?
dr020615 -- It's been a rewarding week, No-Neck... - I took a raw recruit and shaped him into a real mall cop. - Isn't that right, Chambers? *urp*
dr020616 -- I can't wait to try out my new driver! - The "BIG BUBBA"! It's guaranteed to ad ten to twenty yards on your tee shot! - Watch this... - WHOP! - Wow, dad! I can really see the difference! - Instead of just hitting it out-of-bounds like you
dr020616 -- usually do, you hit it over the fence and into the parking lot!
dr020617 -- Son, don't feel bad because a girl turned you down for a date. Most girls would love to go out with a smart, handsome boy like you! - Well, maybe "smart" and "handsome" aren't the right words... - But I'll bet there are lots of girls who
dr020617 -- would love to go out with a guy like you! - Well, maybe not "lots" Don't always fell like you need to be there for me, dad!
dr020618 -- Norman! Don't chew with your mouth open! - That's not the proper way to eat! - Give Norman a break, daddy! - He hasn't had as much EATING EXPERIENCE as you! Who has?
dr020619 -- Hello, Mr. Drabble...and I wanted you both to...Saturday after...because I think...anyway and I also... It never fails. - without...clari...do no...love...base...febr...swing...golf...why not Someone leaves a long phone message, asks you to
dr020619 -- call back... - And then, at the very end, when they finally leave their number... - call me back at 362-mumble mumble mumble. They mumble, forcing you to listen to the entire message again! boop!
dr020620 -- What the... - Poink! YEEOWCH!! - The next time I have a giant hair growing out of my eyebrow, feel free to tell me! We were kind of curious how long it would get before you noticed.
dr060221 -- Boys, you've been watching TV all afternoon! - Here are a couple of books... - If you hear your mom come home, turn off the TV and act like you're reading 'em! - Keeping your kids out of trouble is part of a father's duty!
dr060222 -- Poor Bob! He always has that dazed and confused look on his face. - Like he doesn't know who he is or what to do next! - Kind of like dad on a Saturday! ...and then, after you fix the garbage disposal, the trees need trimming. After that you
dr060222 -- need to paint the patio furniture and clean out the garage...
dr060223 -- Hi, Ralph! - - How are you? - - You wouldn't be eating something on the new sofa, would you? Especially after I warned you never to do that! - RALPH DRABBLE, OPEN YOUR MOUTH THIS INSTANT!! - Nothing! - You are SO not funny! I just like to
dr060223 -- freak her out sometimes!
dr020624 -- Hey, what was that?? Wait, I saw Tiger Woods! Slow down! I think I saw an elephant swimming! Whoa, a baseball game! Wait!! - Let this be a lesson to you, son. Never relinquish control of the TV remote! This is known as "payback", Ralph! flip
dr020624 -- flip flip flip
dr020625 -- SLPOOSH! - - - Next time you do a cannonball, dad, tell us so we can close the windows!
dr020626 -- Three balls, two strikes...two outs in the ninth...here's the pitch... *crack!* A high fly ball to deep center! - OH, WHAT A CATCH!! Not only are you annoying, you're annoying at the worst possible time!
dr020627 -- Aren't you going to play golf today, dad? My golfing days are over. - I think it's best to retire before I start to make a fool of myself! - Actually, dad, it's probably a little late for that. Oh, yeah, huh. - OK, never mind!
dr020628 -- I'm not sure which ball is mine! - Norm, you should put distinctive markings on your ball. - That way, you'll always know which one is yours! - Is that why your balls all have stripes around them and say "range"? Uh...yeah, that's it!
dr020629 -- - - - Phone I know how you feel.
dr020630 -- - KNOCK KNOCK - -UH...JUST A MINUTE, PLEASE! - OK! - *creak!* - - Out of respect for the community, I always knock before I go outside in my underwear!
dr020701 -- - - Crazy Mirrors Come on, dad, put your shirt back on and let's go on the coaster!
dr020702 -- If you like baseball, you're RELISHING this game! - The sox trailed early, but MUSTERED four runs to CATCH UP! growl! - What is it about baseball that makes me crave hot dogs? It's a BUNT!
dr020703 -- When I was 8 years old, there was a cool skateboard that I really, really wanted... - But you said no, because it looked too dangerous. I was really mad and you said, "trust me, son, one day you'll thank me." - Remember that, dad? Yes. -
dr020703 -- Well, I just wanted you to know that I'm still kind of steamed about it. Thanks for the update, son!
dr020704 -- A picnic in the park, a ball game on the radio, and fireworks in the sky! - It's a great tradition, isn't it? It sure beats fireworks on the radio!
dr020705 -- I don't mean to constantly criticize you, Norman... - But I do it for your your own good! - Just think of me as the wind beneath your wings! - I guess that explains why I often like the cow in "Twister".
dr020706 -- Sometimes I wonder if I'd still be attracted to you if you liked me better. - I guess that's one thing we'll never ever know, will we? I wish you were a little more inquisitive!
dr020707 -- Norman, what are you doing? - Buying some books, dad! Why are you buying ten copies of the same book? - Because each copy is marked 20% OFF! So? - If each copy is 20% off, that means five copies will be 100% off! Therefore, the first five
dr020707 -- books are free! - Six books would be 120% off, which means the store now owes ME 20%! Get it? - So, if I buy ten books, not only are all the books free, but the store will owe ME 100%! - I'M GONNA BE RICH!! It's hard to believe that boy
dr020707 -- flunked algebra!
dr020708 -- Hey, dad! I'm going to pull an ALL-NIGHTER tonight! Huh?? - I'm going to stay up all night long and watch TV! Why do you want to do that? - Why go to bed? There's no school in the morning and I have no job to go to! - How many opportunities
dr020708 -- like this will I ever have?? Quite a few, I'm willing to bet!
dr020709 -- Are you sure you want to stay awake all night, Norm? Absolutely! - I'm going to stay up and watch TV and do fun stuff! - But rest assured that while everyone else is fast asleep, I'll be standing guard over our home! - Now *I* won't sleep!
dr020710 -- *Yawn* I never knew staying up all night would be so difficult! - My eyelids are heavy. Fatigue is setting in... - But I've come too far to give up now! What time is it, anyway? - 9:15 Maybe I'll go splash cold water on my face!
dr020711 -- Hey, dad, would you like to stay up all night with me? - Norm, need I to remind you that ONE of us has to get up early in the morning? - What do you mean? Tomorrow's your day off! - Yeah, but I still have to get to the donut shop by seven, or
dr020711 -- all the Long Johns get picked over!
dr020712 -- Part of the fun of staying up all night is watching scary movies! - They always seem scarier in the middle of the night! - YIKES!! - When Mary Poppins slides up th staircase, it always freaks me out!
dr020713 -- It's the middle of the night,and I'm going to do something wild and crazy: T.P. the neighbor's house! - On second thought, the neighbor's might not like that! I know, I'll T.P. my OWN house! - On second thought, it's pretty dark and scary
dr020713 -- outside! - Tell me again why you toilet-papered our kitchen. I'm a wild and crazy guy!
dr020714 -- OK, Norm, I want you to back up the car very slowly. - Slow and steady! Keep it coming! - Just a little bit more... - OK! Thanks! There's no such thing as an empty tube of toothpaste!
dr020715 -- Dad, you parked in a loading zone! - Is that appropriate? - Believe me, when your dad goes to the all-you-can-eat buffet, it's appropriate! Where's the pizza?
dr020716 -- Hello, newsradio? Traffic-tipster Drabble, here... - The harbor freeway is at a standstill, thanks to a jack-knifed big-rig! scribble scribble - Here you go! Thank you! - And would you please tell your listeners to quit bugging me for
dr020716 -- autographs! Hey, it's tipster Drabble!
dr020717 -- How was the movie, dad? - It must have been pretty good! I only left to go to the bathroom once! - I judge how good a movie was by how many times I had to go to the bathroom. - That's an interesting rating system, dad! A "one-flusher" is
dr020717 -- first rate!
dr020718 -- Tipster Drabble reports that traffic is light on the evening commute! - MRS. Drabble reports that she is very angry because tipster Drabble left gum in his shirt pocket again, and it went through the wash! - We advise tipser Drabble to take an
dr020718 -- alternate route home...preferably a longer one, that will allow your wife to cool off! - Those traffic reports give you a lot of information!
dr020719 -- Ralph, I can't believe you left gum in your shirt pocket again! - It went through the wash, and now the shirt is ruined! - How could you be so stupid?! I'M stupid?? - YOU'RE the one who married me!
dr020720 -- Ready, begin! - wiggle wiggle wiggle - wiggle wiggle wiggle - ...and rest! That's the dumbest exercise program I've ever seen!
dr020721 -- Looks like you're in the lake again, dad! - ...Sigh... - All right. Hold my hat, please! - - Dad, I know golf is a frustrating game... - But you really should quit throwing your clubs! Found 'em! Now let's go look for my ball!
dr020722 -- Smile, Ralph! - Hey, don't point that thing at me!! - Why not? Because the camera adds ten pounds! - That's not as much as the bacon cheeseburgers add!
dr020723 -- Say, Wendy, would you like to go out with me on Friday? - There is absolutely, positively no chance on earth of that happening! - No way. No how. Case closed. - So, would Thursday work better?
dr020724 -- Wendy, would you like to go out with me on Saturday? - Nope. Forget it. Absolutely not. - No chance. That's a negative. Sorry. - I envy guys who get mixed signals!
dr020725 -- Now hold still... What's wrong? - Norman's swimmer ear! - He's lying on his side so I can put drops in! drip! - I hope it doesn't leak out the other ear and get on the sofa!
dr020726 -- Norman, why are you lying on the couch? - I'm in discomfort. - I have swimmer's ear, athlete's foot, and tennis elbow! - And to think I flunked P.E. in high school!
dr020727 -- I drink one of these diet shakes for breakfast, one for lunch... - And then have a sensible dinner, just like the directions say! - So why am I not losing weight? - Maybe it's the box of donuts you eat for brunch! They don't mention brunch,
dr020727 -- so I have to improvise!
dr020728 -- putt! - - tokkl okkl! - I GOT A BIRDIE!! - STOMP - ...or not! Now I know why golfers need to stay in shape!
dr020729 -- There's nothing like being at a baseball game, Wendy! - Except being at a football game. That's kind of being at a baseball game because there's a lot of grass and people and stuff. - Come to think of it, a lot of things are like being at a
dr020729 -- baseball game. - So disregard everything I said! No problem there!
dr020730 -- Norman, is something on your mind tonight? - Well, yes, actually. How could I tell? - Have I been acting peculiar? No. - That was my first clue!
dr020731 -- Wendy, where are you going?? The snack bar. Excuse me... - You can't leave now!! Something interesting is liable to appear on the giant message board any minute now!! - What on earth are you...oh my gosh. - Wendy, will you marry me? Norman
dr020801 -- Well, Rex, a wonderful thing has just happened here at ballpark! That's right, Steve! - A young man named Norman has proposed to his beloved Wendy on the stadium jumbotron! - How romantic to propose marriage in front of 56,000 fans! - Love is
dr020801 -- in the air, eh, Wendy? It will be when I toss you out of the upper deck!
dr020802 -- Hey, that looks like Norman at the baseball game! It is, dad! - Did he catch a foul ball? No, he just proposed Wendy on the stadium jumbotron! - 56,000 fans are anxiously awaiting her reply! Come on, Wendy! Give Norman a big smooch! - Ouch!
dr020802 -- That didn't look like a smooch! That's gonna leave a mark! Let's see the replay on that!
dr020803 -- SLAM! I'm home from the ball game! For future reference, son... - Never propose a girl on the stadium jumbotron unless you're reasonably certain she'll say yes. Hindsight is 50/50.
dr020804 -- I'll take this one and that one! Yes, sir! - - What?? - Don't look at me like that! - Aw, heck! Give me all the rest of 'em, too! - I have a soft heart! I wish we could say the same about your arteries!
dr020805 -- You know, Norman, I've never thought of you as handsome... - But sometimes, if the light is just right... - And I squint and make my eyes all blurry... - On second thought, never mind! Wow! That's as close to a compliment as I've ever gotten!
dr020806 -- I'm back from the golf course, honeybunch! What was your score? - 107. Yipes! - Hey, it wasn't as bad as it sounds! - with a few breaks here and there, I could've easily shot 104!
dr020807 -- Wendy, would you like to go miniature golfing with me tomorrow tonight? - I'm sorry, Norman, but I already made plans to floss my dog's teeth! - Actually, that isn't true. - I'm not sorry!
dr020808 -- Wow! I'm impressed! - Hey, you must be important! - Apparently, it's now a symbol of prestige NOT to have a cell phone! Show off!
dr020809 -- Wendy, how would you like to go to the movies tonight? Sorry, I'm busy. - Next time you ask me out, it would be more polite to give me a little advance notice! - How would you like to go to the movies a week from Saturday? I'm still busy. -
dr020809 -- How would you like to see "Star Wars-Episode III" in 2005? I only said it would be more polite, not more effective.
dr020810 -- WHACK! - FORE!! - CRASH! - I hollered "fore!" It's not my fault if that condominium didn't get out of the way!
dr020811 -- Rock! Scissors! - A rock pounds scissors! I win! - - Rock! Paper! - I win! A rock pounds paper! - Scissors! Rock! - Scissors are more expensive than rocks! I win! - A TIE! I win! Boy, she's really good at this game!
dr020812 -- Before I decide which classes to sign up for, I always examine the professor's office door. - If the door is neat and empty, it indicates the professor is organized and means business. - If the door is cluttered, it means the professor is
dr020812 -- probably easy-going and gives better grades. - Who says I haven't learned anything at college?
dr020813 -- For the attack to be successful, the element of surprise is important! - I am clearly outnumbered. - Ten to tone! wiggle wiggle wiggle
dr020814 -- Well, hello, you stupid cat! What do YOU want? - Have you come to hiss at me? Claw my pants leg? Attack my fingers? - What is it you want?? - purrrrrr OK, now I know she's up to something!
dr020815 -- What's going on? purrrr . For no reason at all, Oogie jumped up in my lap and started purring! - That's amazing. What? That she's suddenly being nice? - No, that sh could find your lap!
dr020816 -- - ...Sigh... - CLICK! - It's very hard to fall asleep with a cat in the room!
dr020817 -- You stupid cat! How do you expect me to fall asleep with your eyes glowing in the dark? - Hey, I have an idea! Where's my nightstand? Aha! - Rats. - Sunglasses help a little, but not enough!
dr020818 -- RING! - Hello? ...oh, hi, No-Neck! - ...my TV? Yeah, it's on... - You want me to turn on the baseball game? - OK, now what? ...look WHERE?? - Oh, yeah! I see you! - Some people shouldn't have cell phones!
dr020819 -- "Cat Questions Answered" By Ralph Drabble - Q: Why do cats rub up against your leg? A: Because they're stupid. - Q: Why do cats purr? A: Because they're stupid. - Go ahead, try to stump me!
dr020820 -- Oogie has gone from one extreme to the other! - She used to attack me all the time. Now she just sits in my lap and purrs! How annoying! - You just don't appreciate cats! I do SO appreciate cats! - I think they make excellent tennis rackets!
dr020821 -- Ralph, I made an appointment for you to take Oogie to a cat psychologist! Purr! - A CAT PSYCHOLOGIST?? He'll be able to tell you why Oogie has been acting strangely. - I already know why Oogie has been acting strangely... - Because she has a
dr020821 -- brain the size of a macadamia nut! You're just jealous!
dr020822 -- I can't believe I'm talking to a cat psychologist. - It's a growing profession! Few people understand their pet cats! - In order to understand pet cats, one must THINK like a cat! - Excuse me...I have an itch! Looks like we've come to the
dr020822 -- right place!
dr020823 -- What did the cat psychologist say? Purrr! - He said cats gravitate to the person who pays them the least attention. Oogie has been nice to me because I've been ignoring her. - He said if I want Oogie to act like her old self, I should pay
dr020823 -- more attention to her. Did he say anything else? - No, then he sat on the window sill and took a nap!
dr020824 -- According to the cat psychologist, the way to make Oogie act like her old self is to pay more attention to her! OK. Purrr! - Hello, you sweet little... - SLASH! She's back! Yipes!
dr020825 -- - - - - OOF! - 10 9.5
dr020826 -- I don't know why you guys always hang around when I eat. - It's not like I'm going to share. - See? All gone! - munch munch munch crunch We get fat just off his crumbs!
dr020827 -- The first day of school can be intimidating. It's easy to get lost! - Excuse me...I'm looking for my history class. - Can you direct me to the social studies building, room 313? That would probably be at the college across the street. - This
dr020827 -- is a hospital. At least I'm in the neighborhood!
dr020828 -- Norman, I knew we'd be in the same English class this year, so I saved you a seat! - You saved me a seat? Thanks, Wendy! That means you really DO like me! - Then again, maybe not. Pip down back there!
dr020829 -- School has started again... - And I already feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders! - But then I realize... - It's just my backpack!
dr020830 -- Gasp! - Kids, with the start of a new school year, let's review our carpool etiquette... - Rule number one: when the weather turns cold and we can no longer roll down the windows... - No one will be allowed to eat onions for breakfast!
dr020831 -- And now for a newsradio traffic update... - Tipster Drabble just called in to alert us to trouble developing during his school carpool commute... - Apparently, if Travis doesn't stop kicking the back of tipster Drabble's seat, there's liable
dr020831 -- to be an accident on Oak street! - Sorry. Don't make me call them again!
dr020901 -- - - - Whoa! - - - - Few things are stronger than the gravitational pull of a donut shop! Especially when you're on a diet, huh, dad!
dr020902 -- Hang on, big fella! Everything's gonna' be all right! - I've got wet towels to keep you cool! - As soon as the crane gets here, we'll try to get you back in the water! pat pat pat What luck to run into Steinbauer at the beach!
dr020903 -- I think you should tell your wife how you feel. Thanks for the advice, doctor! - But now let me get to the reason I've come to see you...I have an ingrown toenail, see, and... - I'm not a PODIATRIST, Mr. Drabble...I'm a PSYCHOLOGIST! You
dr020903 -- are? - I wish the phone book used a larger print! You may also need an optometrist!
dr020904 -- - Oof! - Just walking into a home improvement store causes my back to go out!
dr020905 -- WAAA! What's wrong, Penny? - Daddy told me Scooby-Doo died! - Ralph, why would you tell Penny that Scooby-Doo died? - I told her I once scuba-dived! Did somebody say Scooby-Doo died??
dr020906 -- I can't believe it's already September! - My summer tan is already gone! - I wish MINE was! I told you to take off those stupid sunglasses!
dr020907 -- - Thanks, Norm! - I always knew you'd come in handy! - putt! Norman Drabble: human ball marker.
dr020908 -- - - - - - - - We should spend the day together more often, dad! I have an idea: let's get another donut!
dr020909 -- Morning, Steinbauer, how's my favorite neighbor? - What are you asking ME for, Ralph? Because you're my favorite neighbor! - That's one of the things I admire about you-your sense of modesty! - Aren't you the same guy who called police
dr020909 -- because my wind chime was too loud? - Ha ha ha! That's another thing I admire about you, Steinbauer! You have a fantastic memory!
dr020910 -- Good morning, Steinbauer! I brought you some fresh cinnamon rolls! - What's going on, Ralph? If I didn't know better, I'd think you were trying to kiss-up me! - Me?? Kiss up??? HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA - Steinbauer, I can
dr020910 -- honestly say that you have the quickest wit in America!
dr020911 -- Ralph, does your sudden neighborliness have anything to do with the sign in my front yard? Sing?? - Another Pool By Polecat Pools Are you trying to weasel an invitation to swim in my new pool? - Gee, I didn't realize that! - Then why did you
dr020911 -- come here in fins? They provide excellent arch support!
dr020912 -- I see your new pool's all finished, Steinbauer! - Wow! It's got everything! Waterfall, hot tub, slide...I'll bet it's going to be great for entertaining! - If I had a pool like that, the first thing I'd want to do is invite the neighbors over
dr020912 -- to enjoy it with me! - Subtle as a train wreck, Ralph! Did I mention I got a snorkel for Christmas?
dr010913 -- Boy, this is the life, Ralph! - Too bad you've been  such a creep over the years, or I'd invite you in for a dip! - Creep???! Who's the guy who picked up your newspaper every day when you were on vacation? You. - You also pick up my newspaper
dr010913 -- every day when I'm NOT on vacation! Yeah, but I usually put most of it back!
dr010914 -- You shouldn't stare into Mr. Steinbauer's back yard, dad. It's not polite! I don't care. - I'm going to start at his new pool until he invites me over to go swimming. - Eventually, my sad and forlorn look will make him feel guilty! SPLOOSH! -
dr010914 -- I don't think it's working. Nice cannonball!
dr010915 -- That'll be one dollar. All I have is a $20 bill. - - - - KA-CHING! - Nineteen dollars is your change. - ...17, 18, 19. What's the matter? Don't you trust me?
dr020916 -- No-Neck! Why are you in Steinbauer's new pool? - He invited a bunch of people over to go swimming today! - He said he invited practically everyone in town! - How come YOU'RE not over here, Ralph? I'm the "practically".
dr020917 -- Hello, police? This is Ralph Drabble. I'd like to report a public nuisance! - My neighbor, George Steinbauer, is having a wild pool party. It's well after six P.M. and I'm sure there must be a curfew in effect? - No?? Well maybe I should
dr020917 -- speak to the chief! ...he's what? ...OK, never mind. - The chief is at Steinbauer's pool party!
dr020918 -- MARCO! POLO! - Did somebody call me? - Buzz off, Ralph! We're trying to play "Marco Polo". Oh. - From a distance, it sounded like "Come over and go swimming, Ralph!" I need a taller fence!
dr020919 -- Steinbauer, if you don't want to invite me to go swimming in your new pool, that's fine with me! - Who needs your pool? I've got my own pool, and it's just as wet as yours! - Right, guys? Actually, dad, I don't think there's any water left in
dr020919 -- here!
dr020920 -- I can't believe Steinbauer would build a new pool and not invite me swimming! - Then, to add insult to injury, he throws a big pool party and invites everyone except me and my family! - If it makes you feel any better, dad, YOU'RE the only
dr020920 -- one he didn't invite! Thanks for the clarification, son.
dr020921 -- Steinbauer, what do YOU want? - I want to invite you to go swimming in my new pool! - I've been feeling ashamed. I'm sorry I didn't invite you sooner! sniff! - I'm sorry too, Steinbauer! What are YOU sorry about? - I snuck into your yard last
dr020921 -- night and stocked your new pool with trout! YOU WHAT??
dr020922 -- Mmm-boy! - Mind if I cut myself a slice of cake, honeybunch? - Better make it a SMALL slice! Remember, you're on a diet! - What constitutes a "small" slice? No more than one inch thick! - - -
dr020923 -- YES!!! - I can't believe it!! This is the greatest day of my life!! - They're building a "Krunchy Kakes" donut shop two blocks from my home!! I haven't seen dad this excited since he saw Jim Rome at the mall!
dr020924 -- I've got my tent, sleeping bag, lantern, canteen... - So long, honeybunch! See you in about a month! - Their first customer wins free donuts for life!
dr020925 -- Dad, I know you're excited about the new "Krunchy Kakes" donut shop, but why are you camping out?? Because their first customer will receive free donuts for life! - But, it's going to be a long time before this place is finished! Can you
dr020925 -- afford to take this much time off work? - I've dome the math...the money I'll save on lifetime donuts will more than compensate for my lost wages!
dr020926 -- Hi, dad! How's the camp-out going? It's exciting! - When these "Krunchy Kakes" opens its doors, I'll be their first customer and win free donuts for life!! - By the way, ho's everything at home? Mom says it's not the same around the house
dr020926 -- without you. - So she put the philodendron in your easy chair and said that's pretty close! I'm glad she still has that wonderful sense of humor.
dr020927 -- Well, Norm, the grand opening is at hand! - I'll be their first customer, and thereby win free donuts for the rest of my life! - There will undoubtedly be media coverage, so I should go freshen up! - Hold my place in line, Norm! You can count
dr020927 -- on me, dad! 'scuse me.
dr020928 -- What the... Dad, I have some bad news and some good news... - The bad news is, I inadvertently stepped out of line and lost your place... - So you won't be receiving a lifetime supply of free donuts! - But here's the good news: As the 513th
dr020928 -- customer, you are entitled to one free donut hole!
dr020929 -- Z - - - - I wonder what Oogie dreams about? I don't know, but I bet it's stupid!
dr020930 -- BAM ping BONG BANG! thump! PING bang BAM bong - BONG bam boom bam BING! thunk BAM ping Well, now we know... - We can wash our golf balls in the washing machine, but we shouldn't put them in the dryer! BAM! ping bam BANG boom ding thunk BAM
dr020930 -- ping I SHOULD NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE, SHOULD I??
dr021001 -- $1000 fine for littering - Dad, I just saw a sign that said "1,000 Fine For Littering". So? - It seems to me that $1,000 would be fine for a lot of things, but littering isn't one of them! - Besides, why would anyone throw that much money out
dr021001 -- the window? Sometimes I feel like that's what I'm doing with your college tuition!
dr021002 -- - PRESENT DAY - Daddy, what does that say? "Present Day". - Does that mean it's supposed to be Christmas?
dr021003 -- Wow! - Daddy, I just saw a commercial for something amazing! What's that, Penny? - A toothpaste that promises to give you WIDER TEETH! - I'm afraid wider teeth would make my head hurt! You've been hanging around Norman too long!
dr021004 -- Whenever I'm waiting in a doctor's office, I'm afraid someone contagious will sit next to me! - - HACK HACK COUGH WHEEZE - The best defense is a good offense!
dr021005 -- - What part of "Ralph, take out the garbage" did you not understand? - Huh? - What part of "What part of 'Ralph, take out the garbage" did you not understand?" did you not understand? Ow!
dr021006 -- Dad! What? - Daddy! What? - Hey, dad! What? - Daddy! What? - Can we rent "Cinderella"? Sure, Penny! - Just keep answering and you'll eventually answer the right kid! Dad!
dr021007 -- !!!!! - !!!! - !!!!!! -
dr021008 -- I never set foot in a doctor's office until I was 35 years old. - By the time I was 40, I was going to the doctor's office once a year. - And now that I'm over 45... - RALPH!
dr021009 -- - Help! - Over you go! FLIP! - Thanks! I'm always glad to help a victim of "backpack rollover".
dr021010 -- I'm going out tonight, dad! Just remember one thing, son... - - Yes, sir! - A father's glare is worth a hundred admonitions!
dr021011 -- Patrick, do we have a leaf blower? Yeah, it's in the garage. - Did dad ask you to do some yard work? Nope... - He asked me to clean out the inside of the car! whirrrrrr!
dr021012 -- A leaf blower?? What a dumb way to clean out the car! - How else could I get rid of all those food crumbs? Do what I do... - Put Wally in there for a few minutes!
dr021013 -- Welcome to Yougurt Land! - You must be new here! Yes, it's my first day! - Well, I'd like a large chocolate, peanut butter, and vanilla, with cookie crumbs in the middle. - HA HA HA HA HA - What's so funny? When you were walking up, Linda
dr021013 -- told me exactly what you would order! - She said you come in every day and order the exact same thing. HA HA HA - Did she also tell you that I was going to leave you a fifty-cent tip? Yes! - Well, she was wrong about that!
dr021014 -- Men - You know that sign in the rest room that says "Employees must wash hands"? Yes. - Does that mean you don't have to wash your hand's if you're not an employee? No. - OK, I'll be right back! I may not be here.
dr021015 -- SCAT, YOU FILTHY WATERFOWL!! flap flap flap - Keep your stupid duck out of my pool , Ralph! - Bob isn't a duck, Steinbauer! He's a rare south America parrot that takes on the characteristics of a duck for survival in the jungle! - You're out
dr021015 -- of your mind! Don't you ever watch ANIMAL PLANET??
dr021016 -- squeeeze! - SCARF scarf SCARF scarf - Rats! The ice cream topping is supposed to harden into a chocolate shell, but it never works! - That's because you have to GIVE it a few seconds, dad! Did you inhale your spoon again, dear?
dr021017 -- scarf scarf scarf scarf - The way dad eats ice cream, I'm surprised he never gets a headache! He eats it so fast, his head never knows what hit it! That was good, I think!
dr021018 -- I still don't understand it...how can dad eat ice cream so fast and never get "brain freeze"? scarf scarf scarf  - Probably the same reason he never gets "hat hair! Whoa! I think mom just called you bald and stupid! She's on a roll!
dr021019 -- Hey, this looks good... - The Cajun rib-eye steak, marinated for 36 hours in Cajun herbs and spices! - That's what I want! Very good, sir! - It will be ready next Tuesday!
dr021020 -- Practice Green - ROLL, BABY! ROLL! - SIT DOWN, DARLIN'! DON'T BE AFRAID OF THE DARK!! - YES! tokkl okkl! - I sank it from 50 feet! - That putt was almost perfect! - Why just "almost"? - I was aiming for this hole over here.
dr021021 -- What an amazing story... - A family moved to another state and left their cat behind. - The cat walked over 300 miles and somehow found them! - I wonder if Oogie would be able to do that? I'd be willing to give it a try! pick! pick! shred!
dr021022 -- Good night, honeybunch! - ? - Why do you have a no-snoring strip UNDER your nose? click! - I cut myself shaving and we're out of bandages!
dr021023 -- I can't believe how heavy my backpack is! It must weigh fifty pounds! - I'm going to put it on the scale and find out! - Only TWO POUNDS?? Dad's scale is not known for its accuracy. Are you insinuating that my correct weight is not 175
dr021023 -- pounds?
dr021024 -- Holy cow! No wonder your backpack is so heavy! - Look at the size of this textbook! - My history book wasn't this big when I was a kid! - There wasn't as much history when you were a kid!
dr021025 -- Let's pick out a big one! Yeah, a REALLY big one! As big as dad's head! - As big as his STOMACH! Well, let's not get carried away. - Yeah, a pumpkin that size would be way too expensive!
dr021026 -- This movie isn't scary. - Of COURSE it's scary! It's "THE CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON"! This movie scared me to death when I was a kid! - What's so scary about it? LOOK AT HIM! HE'S A FISH GUY!! - *yawn* It's hard to frighten kids who've
dr021026 -- grown up watching TV news!
dr021027 -- How about an astronaut? Nope. I've been that before. - A skeleton? Been that. - A vampire? A cowboy? Been there, done that. - Have you been a dice cube? Frankenstein? Yup. Been those! - Superman? Spiderman? Batman? Yup. Yup. Yup. - A thought
dr021027 -- occurs to me... - When you can't think of anything new to be for Halloween, maybe it means you're too old for trick.or-treating! I know! I'll be the other dice cube!
dr021028 -- Z - - GAAAAAHH! - A SCARECROW?? It kept you out of the Halloween candy, didn't it?
dr021029 -- You know how your father tends to eat all the candy before Halloween? Yes. - Well, this year I outsmarted him! Instead of candy, I bought BUBBLE GUM! - There's no way he'd ever chew the entire... - Never mind.
dr021030 -- TRICK OR TREAT! Yikes! Zombies and ghouls! - Sic 'em, Wally! - AAAAHH! skattle skattle skattle skattle - I didn't have the heart to tell them I ate all the Halloween candy! skattle skattle skattle
dr021031 -- Thank you, Mr. Drabble! You're welcome! - I thought Mr. Drabble wasn't giving away treats because he ate them all! That's true. - Then how did you get all that candy and stuff? He's letting us rummage between his sofa cushions and keep
dr021031 -- whatever we find! Next kid, come on in!
dr021101 -- Here's half of our Halloween candy, dad! - We figured we'd just give it to you now to save you the shame and embarrassment of swiping it while we're asleep! - You kids sure know how to take the fun out of things!
dr021102 -- Nothing is quite as sad as seeing a jack-o'-lantern on the front porch two days after Halloween! - Except, perhaps, seeing Christmas lights on our house 312 days after Christmas! I know, I know...that's next on my "to do" list!
dr021103 -- What on earth...? - Patrick and I are going to the football game, mom! And we're going to try to get on TV! - You know how some fans paint letters on their stomachs and spell out the name of the team? That's what WE'RE going to do! - We'll
dr021103 -- all stand side-by-side with our shirts off and spell out "Cougars"! - So you must be going with a large group of people! Actually, we don't need a big group... - Just dad!
dr021104 -- Time to pick up the afternoon carpool. - Put your back packs in the trunk, kids! - On second thought, take out a couple of them!
dr021105 -- - - BOING! - Oogie has the EYE of the TIGER! And the brain of the Macadamia Nut!
dr021106 -- OK, you weigh 4 1/2 pounds... - Thanks giving is three weeks away... - What's going on? - If I take this duck to the donut shop every day, do you think I could turn him into a 15-pound butterball? Why not? It turned YOU into a 260-pound
dr021106 -- butterball!
dr021107 -- It's nice to see you sharing your food with Bob, dad! - I'm trying to fatten up this duck for thanksgiving! - Bob's not a duck, dad. He's a rare south American parrot that takes on the characteristics of a duck for survival in the jungle! Oh,
dr021107 -- yeah, huh. - Gimme back those french fries!
dr021108 -- A rare south American parrot, huh? - There's an old expression... - If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's a duck! - Oink!
dr021109 -- Weird! - "Forward please pull." "To pedestrians yield." "Block lane do not." - Who writes this stuff? YODA???
dr021110 -- You need to sink this putt, dad! - Tok! - - - - SPLOINK! - It sunk, all right! I should stick into bowling. I don't lose my ball as often!
dr021111 -- I'm so behind! I have a hundred things to do! - Places to go! People to see! There aren't enough hours in the day! - Mom's under more stress than dad's hammock!
dr021112 -- - Look out the window at that breathtaking view, honeybunch! - -
dr021113 -- ...turn right on Washington Street, in 2.74 miles. - Proceed 0.21 miles, and turn left on Oak. Then right on Elm, in 0.65 miles. - Continue for 1.37 miles and turn right into the parking lot! Thanks very much! - Enjoy! If you need directions
dr021113 -- to a donut shop, dad'sa human "Mapquest".
dr021114 -- - Yes! - I'm done with my homework! - Watching the cable listings scroll down the TV screen for 20 minutes does not fulfill your required reading assignment!
dr021115 -- I'm home! - You'll never believe this, Ralph, but I spent 4 1/2 hours on the phone today! - Wow! Only 4 1/2?? Hardly anybody was home!
dr021116 -- Arrrrrggh! - Hurry up, dad! I can't hold your feet much longer!! Grunt! Groan! - Maybe you should just go inside the bank next time! Naw, these drive-thru ATM's are much more convenient!
dr021117 -- wash wash scrub scrub - WHIRRRR - WHIRRRR - - FLAP FLAP - - Have I ever mentioned how much I hate automatic hair dryers? Not since Thursday!
dr021118 -- I'm tired of being a loser. - I'm tired of not knowing how to do anything! I want to change! I want to be smart! - Teach me everything you know, dad! - EVERYTHING?? You've got just enough time, Ralph. You don't have to leave for work for
dr021118 -- another two minutes!
dr021119 -- I mean it, dad! I want you to teach me everything you know! - OK, son...but first I need to put on my "fatherly advice" outfit! - "Fatherly advice" outfit? Yeah, just like the wise dads wore in those old TV sitcoms! - Now I look like Ozzie
dr021119 -- Nelson, Robert Young, and Hugh Beaumont rolled into one! You can say that again!
dr021120 -- So, you want me to teach you everything I know, eh, son? - OK, here goes... - Uhhh...let's see... - Never ever touch this blue button on the TV clickers, 'cause it just messes up everything! Slow down! I'm taking notes!
dr021121 -- Whichever line you're standing in in always moves the slowest. - It's hard to find anything good on TV between 4:00 PM and 6:00 PM. - The loose french fries down at the bottom of the sack always taste the best! - Dad, when I asked you to
dr021121 -- teach me everything you know, this isn't exactly what I had in mind. Relax. I'm just warming up!
dr021122 -- ...and finally, son, never buy a green suit! - - That's IT?? I asked you to tell me everything you know, and THAT'S IT?? - No wonder I'm such a goofball! It's hereditary! did I tell you the one about the french fries at the bottom of the bag?
dr021123 -- I'm a cat. - Cats are special because we always land on our feet! - WOOF! - See?
dr021124 -- - BOP! - I think Oogie is hungry, Ralph! Why can't she just meow, like other cats?!
dr021125 -- Norman, you should do your homework in better light! - It's OK, mom. I'm almost done! - Norman, it's getting darker! I know teenagers are stubborn, but... I'm almost done, mom! - Norman... Almost done, mom!
dr021126 -- We're out of paper towels, Ralph! - Go out to the garage and bring in another roll! Yes, ma'am. - Nor THOSE paper towels! Those are the GOOD paper towels! - Why do I have to do everything myself?! There's such a thing as "good" paper towels??
dr021127 -- lap lap lap lap! Hey, what are you doing?? - That's MY water dish! A dog isn't supposed to drink out of a cat's dish! skattle skattle - How revolting! - swim swim paddle paddle!
dr021128 -- Ooooohh! I ate too much! - I'm sick! I feel like I'm gonna bust! - Somebody please put me out of my misery! - Wow, dessert! I'm glad I could help!
dr021129 -- Slow down, partner! - The pedestrian speed limit inside the mall is four miles per hour! - A mall cop with a radar gun?? We've gone high-tech! - Oh, THERE'S my blow dryer! Shhh!
dr021130 -- - YEEEAAAHH- - CHOO! - Sorry! Gesundheit.
dr021201 -- No-Neck's Tree Town Norman! Yes, Mr. Neck? - Take this man's tree and tie it to the top of his car! Yes, sir! - Oof! - - tie tie tie tie There! That should do it! - That tree's not going anywhere! Neither is my car! It's his first day!
dr021202 -- Why are you wearing sweatpants, Ralph! - Oh, you know me! I'm an active kind of guy! - I need clothing that's comfortable for a man on the go! - No, you need clothing that's comfortable for a man who ate too much thanksgiving! That, too!
dr021203 -- Are you sure you want to go outside in those sweats, Ralph? - Why not? Sweatpants are for active men who have self confidence. - These sweatpants make a fashion statement! - Yeah, "I don't own a full-length mirror". Wisenheimer!
dr021204 -- - - Sweet! - The great thing about sweatpants is you can leave 'em wadded-up on the floor all night and still wear 'em the next day!
dr021205 -- Someone forgot to put the adhesive lint roller away! - SKKKRAAKKK! - SKRAAAKK! SKRAAKK! - I refuse to ask.
dr021206 -- I love my new sweatpants! - Wearing sweatpants has changed my life! - I may be sorry I asked this, Ralph, but how has wearing sweatpants changed your life? - For one thing, not a single person today has had to tell me my zipper's down!
dr021207 -- - pick pick claw claw - BOO! - Let that be a lesson to you! And he thinks the CAT is psycho!
dr021208 -- plug! - - ? - - - - Steinbauer, what made you think you could get away with plugging your Christmas lights into MY OUTLET?? I've gotten away with it every other year!
dr021209 -- What a game this is! The crowd is going wild! - DING DONG! - What could be worse than having the doorbell ring at a time like this? - On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to meee...
dr021210 -- ...four calling birds, three french hens, two turtle doves... - And a partridge in a pear treeeee! - OK, I got the gist of it! I need to get back to the TV because there's a big game on, and... - On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love
dr021210 -- gave to me... Help!
dr021211 -- Sweet! - They're headed into overtime, dad! - Fiiiiiiiivvve gooooolllld rinnnngggs! Thanks for the update, son.
dr021212 -- On the eighth day of Christmas... - You already SANG the eighth day of Christmas! You're up to the NINTH day!! - We are? No, we aren't! I'm all confused. Let's start over! - On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to meee... There
dr021212 -- should be an abridged version of this song!
dr021213 -- ...and a partridge in a pear treeee! Yes! Done at last!! - Uh...I mean, thank you, kids! I've got to get back to the game, now... - Game's over, dad. Two overtimes. They said it was one of the greatest games ever. - AND I MISSED IT?? Aren't
dr021213 -- you going to tip us?
dr021214 -- I can't believe I missed the end of the game because I had to listen to carolers! - Why would a bunch of kids insist on singing me the world's longest Christmas song at a time like that?? - Well done, children! Next week I'll hire you to sing
dr021214 -- to my former auto mechanic! Thank you, Mr. Steinbauer!
dr021215 -- I'm a cat! - I'm special because my eyes light up in the dark. - Watch! skattle skattle skattle - - - - - See? Pretty good, but I'm not sure it was worth waiting here for nine hours! Now I can't find my bone!
dr021216 -- - - - When, exactly, did I start walking like granny clampett? Let's just say your forties have not been kind to you, Ralph.
dr021217 -- - - lap lap lap lap lap lap lap - You'll be happy to know the tree is still drinking water!
dr021218 -- JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS... Wait just a second. - That's better! Go ahead! Smart aleck!
dr021219 -- Ralph, you can help me address all these Christmas cards. - I'll address cards to all my friends, and you address cards to all your friends. OK. - - Anything else you'd like me to do? Make more friends!
dr021220 -- Honeybunch, there have to be SOME names you can take off our Christmas card list! - How about this one: Ed Kuike. Who's that? - Our milkman. Our milkman? - We haven't had delivered milk since 1984! Oh, go away!
dr021221 -- - - BLECCHH! - Whose idea was it to ruin Christmas by making people drink egg nog?? Wait 'til you taste fruit cake!
dr021222 -- KNOCK KNOCK Coming! - - I thought Halloween was over! Just for that, Steinbauer, we're going to sing "the twelve days of Christmas"!
dr021223 -- I hear bells! Look! Someone's coming down the chimney! - Ho ho hooOOO!! - Gimme back my hat, you little varmint! He's not as jolly as I expected!
dr021224 -- ...and a gift for Bob the Duck, and a gift for Wally, the Wiener Dog! - No gift for you, Oogie! You're very naughty! You should've brought me a scratching post! What is it with Oogie and fat guys?
dr021225 -- GAAAAHHHH! - - - Maybe giving dad bunny slippers wasn't the best idea!
dr021226 -- AHH... - CHOO! - I told you it wasn't drinking water!
dr021227 -- WHIRRR - - Ahhhhhhhhhhh! - There's nothing like warm sweat pants on a cold winter day!
dr021228 -- - Oh no... - SMOOCH! - Will someone please take down the mistle-toe! BLECCHH!
dr021229 -- - HONK! - - BEEEEP! - HONK! BEEP! - ...ahem... - Ptoo! - You know the rule: when three or more people honk at you, it's time to spit out your gum.
dr021230 -- sputter sputter Whirrrrrrrr! - I'm getting a fay from Wendy! Whirrr! - Whirrrrrrrrrrrrrr! She's sending me a list of suggested new year resolutions! I figured it was something like that!
dr021231 -- The countdown has begun! Is everyone ready? - Oh, no! We forgot noise makers! - That's OK. We've got dad! squeak! rumble! Gurgle! Burp! Hic! creak! Toot! Pop! Dad's a human noise maker!
dr030301 -- No-Neck and I are going to the parade! Will we see you on TV? - No, the TV cameras are at the beginning of the five-mile parade route, when all the marchers are fresh. - We like to stand near the END of the parade route, when the marchers are
dr030301 -- completely exhausted! Why? - We like to see their expressions when we hold up our sign! Half-Way Point
dr030302 -- - Oh, yeah. I see it. - Very becoming, son! - See? I did SO grow a goatee!
dr030303 -- I hate unloading the car after mom shops at BULK CLUB! I think it would be simpler if we just MOVED to Bulk Club! - Oh, hush! I save money buying in bulk! Where should I put the box of four dozen glue sticks?
dr030304 -- - - I told you your untied shoelaces were an accident waiting ho happen! Shut up ant turn off the ceiling fan!
dr030305 -- - FORE! - TOK! Good shot!
dr030106 -- - GLUG GLUG GLUG - If you drink a diet soda after you eat a fudge brownie, it neutralizes the calories! - I'm beginning to understand why you never lose weight! ...but you gotta drink it within 15 seconds!
dr030107 -- - puff puff - You know you're out of shape when the refrigerator is no longer within walking distance!
dr030108 -- This is the last straw! - FUNWORLD Amusement Park took out my favorite attraction, the HAUNTED SHACK! - From now on, I'm boycotting Funworld! - Ralph, you haven't been to Funworld in 28 years! Good! I hope they're starting to feel the pinch!
dr030109 -- - SKRAAAKKKK!!! - Ever eat aerosol cheese straight from the can? No. - It's good. I'll take your word for it.
dr030110 -- We hope she likes the candy and flowers, Mr. Drabble! Thanks, guys! - Next time, plan ahead a little better! - Just because you woke up and realized your forgot your anniversary, it's no reason to bother us! - The thing I hate about calling
dr030110 -- 9-1-1 is, after they save my life, they always chew me out!
dr030111 -- HIC! - Bless you. - It was a hiccup, Penny. You don't say "bless you" when someone hiccups. - HIC! Gesundheit!
dr030112 -- Z - - Let's see what treats are hidden in the back of the pantry! - Sweet! A bag of cookies! - Ralph, don't eat these! - Fine! I'll have some tortilla chips! Don't eat these, either! - Communication is good for a marriage, but my wife overdoes
dr030112 -- a little!
dr030113 -- Remember, Norm...you need to stay calm. People are on edge, everyone is in a hurry. - Just be patient and go with the flow. The key is to be courteous and never try to provoke a confrontation! - Gee, I never realized the buffet was becoming
dr030113 -- such a dangerous place! Consider yourself warned! Hey, you just cut me off! You're moving too slow!!
dr030114 -- It's true, Norm. "Buffet Rage" is becoming a big problem in our society. - Take a group of mild-mannered people, put them in a buffet line, and tempers always flare! - YOU WANT ALL THE CHICKEN NOODLE SOUP? I'LL GIVE YOU ALL THE CHICKEN NOODLE
dr030114 -- SOUP!! glug glug See what I mean?
dr030115 -- - - Waiting in line behind someone who wants to sample a little of everything is one of the leading causes of "buffet rage". Will you please stop breathing on me?!
dr030116 -- THE LAST CHOCOLATE MUFFIN! I SAW IT FIRST!! - Wait a minute! We're in a buffet! Let's try to be adult about this! - Look! Here they come with a fresh bag! - Where?
dr030117 -- You'd think being surrounded by this much food would make people happy and grateful... - But for some reason, they seem to get impatient, greedy and rude. - That's too bad! "Buffet Rage! has become the leading cause of tong and ladle injury!
dr030117 -- bop!
dr030118 -- Buffet - Why did you take all the pizza?! - It's not just for me, lady. I happen to have a family of five! - But we told you we didn't want any pizza, dad! Shoosh!
dr030119 -- - - - - - I take it you misplaced the TV clicker again! I'm gonna have to put this puppy on a leash!
dr030120 -- Your mom and I are going out to dinner, kids! - They must be going someplace fancy. How come? - Dad's wearing his black sweat pants!
dr030121 -- A puddle of water! - SPLAT! - Hey, that wasn't any fun! - It's a PILE OF LEAVES that's fun to jump into. Oh, yeah, huh!
dr030122 -- Darn! - It's January, and I still have that Canadian Christmas song stuck in my mind! - What Canadian Christmas song? You know, the one that goes... - "Oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh eh?"
dr030123 -- - Wow! Dad caught a jellybean in his mouth! - I never miss! - How exactly did you get a jellybean stuck up your nose, Mr. Drabble?
dr030124 -- I brought home something from school, dad. - "Dear parent..." - "Our academic advisers recently met with your son and daughter..." . So far, it sounds like you made quite an impression!
dr030125 -- Sniff! - Is that a TEAR I see? Are you actually CRYING, Ralph?? - You always tease ME about getting emotional at movies, but you're just as bad as I am! - Actually, I'm only crying because I just yanked a hair out of my nose.
dr030126 -- WHIRRRRR! - BZZZT! - Sweet! - There's nothing better than putting on warm sweat pants on a cold day! - I guess there's nothing wrong with putting your pants in the dryer to warm them up... - But I'm not sure you should do it in the
dr030126 -- Laundromat! TAMORDNUAL
dr030127 -- MALL You wanted to see me, commander? Yes, Drabble... - I have some bad news and some good news... - The bad news is, the mall is downsizing, and you're being laid off. - What's the GOOD news?? I shot a hole-in-one over the weekend!
dr030128 -- Penny, daddy has been laid off from work. - Do you know what that means? - I think it means we're going to have to sell our house and our car, and I won't be able to attend college. - Yeah, that's about it. My dream of having a big wedding is
dr030128 -- probably shot, too, huh!
dr030129 -- Don't worry, dad. You'll find another job! - You don't understand. No one wants to hire a man my age. How old are you? - 46. Wow! - Uh...I mean, that's not old! Maybe not for a lobster!
dr030130 -- I'm afraid no one will ever hire me again because I'm too old. - Dad, rest assured you are not too old! - Rest assured you are still youthful! Rest assured you are still "with it." - People your age need plenty of rest!
dr030131 -- Although you've been laid off, Ralph, our situation is not dire. - I've been working on an emergency food-storage program. You'll be relieved to know we have a year's worth of food stored in our garage. - I know, I found it. - Don't tell me...
dr030131 -- Fortunately, I've only eaten 11 months' worth.
dr030201 -- Don't be depressed, Ralph! You'll find another job in no time! - Why would want an old, out-of-shape guy like me? - Don't think of yourself that way, dad! Hold your head up high! - It makes your turkey neck not so obvious!
dr030202 -- Frozen Yogurt Open - - - - - - DING! - To ensure prompt service, always carry your own bell! May I help you?
dr030203 -- Mom, I'm worried... - I hope we won't have to relocate! don't worry, Norman. - Since your father lost his job, he seems to have taken root!
dr030204 -- I hope dad finds another job soon! Me too. - When a man finds himself suddenly out of work with nothing to do, it can take an emotional toll! - Yeah, and it's probably kind of hard o dad, too! Those dishes would get cleaner if you scrubbed
dr030204 -- them counter-clockwise!
dr030205 -- Would you like me to taste anything, honeybunch? - I wish you wouldn't hang damp laundry in the doorways. - You missed a spot! Whirrrr! - What's so great about "Dr. Phil"? For one thing, he goes away to work every morning!
dr030206 -- I didn't think it was possible... - But I have found one thing worse than having my husband follow me around the house all day long: - Having him follow me around the grocery store! You know, it would be a much a better strategy to start on
dr030206 -- THAT aisle and work our way to the front!
dr030207 -- Spinach?? Don't buy spinach!! - These tomatoes are fresher! - You shouldn't buy things just because you have coupons! - Rat poison? Why are you looking at rat poison? We don't have rats!
dr030208 -- My guidance counselor says we should choose a career that allows us to be ourselves! - I'd like a job where I can wear sweat pants and look like a slob. - How about a cartoonist? A cartoonist? - I don't know how to draw! See? You're already
dr030208 -- qualified!
dr030209 -- Crud. So much for the parallel-parking lesson!
dr030210 -- I'm Dr. Flora. You're on the air! Dr. Flora, my husband was recently laid off from work... - Having him home all day is driving me crazy! He's always interrupting my daily routine! - Honeybunch! There's someone on the radio who sounds just
dr030210 -- like you! Shhh! Can't you see that I'm on the phone?? - Sorry, Dr. Flora! See what I mean?
dr030211 -- Ralph, since you've been out of work, all you've done is sit around and drink soda! - It may LOOK like that's all I'm doing, but I'm actually working to make money! - All these cans are going to the recycler! KLANK!
dr030212 -- I'm back from Bulk Club! you sure got there a lot! - That's because I need to get away by myself. I'm not used to having you home all day. - Therefore, I spend a lot of time at bulk club! - Unfortunately, time's not ALL you spend there! Go
dr030212 -- bring in that 25-pound bag of pinto beans.
dr030213 -- 'bye, Ralph! I'm going shopping at Bulk Club. Again?? - Why do you go to Bulk Club every day? I need to get away during the day. This house isn't big enough for the both of us! - If you keep shopping at Bulk Club, this house won't be big
dr030213 -- enough for EITHER of us!
dr030214 -- Welcome to Bulk Club! Ralph!?? - What are YOU doing here?? I got a job, honeybunch! - I work at your favorite store! How lucky is that? Now you'll REALLY be seeing me a lot during the day! - I think I'm going to cry. Hey, I need to see your
dr030214 -- membership card!
dr030215 -- Welcome to Bulk Club! Thank you! - THAT'S NOT A BULK CLUB MEMBERSHIP CARD! WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO PULL?? - Oops! Wrong card! Sorry! Watch it next time! - I think I'm gonna like this job!
dr030216 -- Bulk Club Thank you! - Thank you, ma'am! thank you, sir! - Thanks! Yup! Thank you! Uh-huh! Thank you! Thanks very much! - Thank you! Uh-huh! - - I always wondered what would happen if someone tried to get in without a membership card! Nice
dr030216 -- try!
dr030217 -- Hic! pop! Gurgle! creak! - Dad would make a lousy FBI agent. He could never sneak up on anyone. URP! grunt! wheeze! rumble!
dr030218 -- pick pick claw claw - SCAT, YOU STUPID CAT! - I can understand a cat clawing furniture, but why does Oogie claw my pant leg?? - Sometimes it's hard to tell where the easy chair stops and you begin!
dr030219 -- Buffet - - -
dr030220 -- Buffet Dessert Bar - - They should put these soft serve ice cream machines a little higher off the ground!
dr030221 -- CLOSED?? - I can't believe it!! - Every "All -you-can-eat" buffet I like goes out of business! Imagine that!
dr030222 -- You're "it", Penny! - Norman and I will hide! Cover your eyes and count to ten! - One Missississisipippi...two Missississisipippi... - On second thought, just count to five!
dr030223 -- 'FORE!! - SPLAT! - Excuse me, folks! - What do you think, Norm...should I use a sand wedge or a lob wedge to hit out of a bowl of oatmeal? "Let's buy a cone on the golf course", you said! "It will be fun", you said!
dr030224 -- Table two for two, please. Cell phone section or non-cell phone section? - Non, please. Right this way! - yak yak yak yakkity yak yak yak yak yakkity I hate being subjected to secondhand cell phone conversations!
dr030225 -- Excuse me, sir...would you like to buy some cookies? - Do I look like I'm made out of money? No. - You look like you're made out of cookies!
dr030226 -- Sweet! there are parking places right up front! - Those are 20-minute spaces, dad! We'll be in the store a lot longer than that! No problem! - If I take up three 20-minute spaces, that gives us an hour!
dr030227 -- - - - - - Darn! I still can't tell the difference between the cat opener and the salad shooter! whirr!
dr030228 -- * - I'm so stupid! - - Aren't you going to ask WHY? Some things are pretty self-explanatory.
dr030301 -- HA! - HA! - HA! - What's so funny in here?
dr030302 -- Rats! I hate these automatic hand dryers! The take forever! - The new and improves Turbo Dry-Master. The most powerful hand dryer ever invented. Hmm... - I guess it's worth a try! WHIRRR - WHIRRR - WHIRRR - AAAAAHHHH!! IT SHRUNK MY HANDS!!! -
dr030302 -- When dad has a bad dream, he twitches his feet like Oogie. Maybe he's dreaming he's being chased by a coyote!
dr030303 -- WHIRR - dust! dust! dust! - Honeybunch, when the guy from the auto club arrives to jump-start our car, it's highly unlikely that he'll come inside our house! scrub! scrub! scrub! You never know.
dr030304 -- Before I tee off, I remind myself of three things... - Take my eye off the ball, rush my swing, and aim for the sand trap! - thwack! - Nice shot, dad! It went straight down the middle! Works every time!
dr030305 -- - Uh-oh! - KA THUNK! - The only thing worse than watching your land in the water is HEARING it land in the water!
dr030306 -- - - - tokkl-okkl!
dr030307 -- Hmmm...hand me my 3-wood, Norm. - 3-wood?? But you're on the GREEN, dad! - Why not use your putter?? - Because I'm on the wrong green! whack!
dr030308 -- WHACK! - Ker-SPLASH! - Darn! Sounds like I lost another ball in the water! Yup. - There must be a lake around here! Dad, I'm not so sure the super-twilight rates are such a great deal.
dr030309 -- Ralph, we're in a BUFFET! You can make more than one trip to the ice cream machine! Yeah, but people always stare at you when you go back for seconds!
dr030310 -- How in the world do you make this pen work? - You twist it! Oh, yeah, huh! - Oops! - Do we have any correction fluid? Norm, are you sure you want to fill out that application to join "Mensa"?
dr030311 -- Norman, is your homework done? Sort of. - "Sort of"? It's mostly done. - "Mostly done"? Pretty done. - I'll go get started on it! Thank you.
dr030312 -- I don't believe it! - Ralph, why are you standing there eating a bag of tortilla chips? - I've gotta do SOMETHING while my diet shake is blending!
dr030313 -- Honeybunch, I know you're a festive person... - And you love to celebrate the holidays... - But you're the only person in town who puts up decorations for allergy season! Oh, be quiet and help me hang up these mold spores!
dr030314 -- This green looks fast. - How can you tell? - My first clue is the speed bump.
dr030315 -- I love the golf course! - I can leave my problems at home! - pick pick claw claw Except for when the dumb cat stows away in my golf bag!
dr030316 -- On your mark... - Get set... - GO! skattle skattle skattle - skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle - skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle - TIME! skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle - Maybe Wally isn't cut out
dr030316 -- for the wiener dog races! Keep in mind it's only the first day of training! pant pant pant!
dr030317 -- Top o' the mornin', one and all! - I'm wearin' me green hat, me green shirt, me green socks, and me green sweat pants! - What do you think? I think me stomach's turnin'. I'm glad St. Patty's Day is only once a year!
dr030318 -- Wendy, guess what! - I can juggle four balls at once! - Get out of here! - I mean it! So do I! GET OUT OF HERE!
dr030319 -- Today was my teacher's birthday! She's really old! - Miss Wilson? How old is she? - 23. - We have messages on our answering machine older than that!
dr030320 -- - - OK, hold still... You gotta admit, it was a pretty good yo-yo trick up until the end!
dr030321 -- - I WON'T BE SEEING THAT! - - THIS ONE LOOKS STUPIDER THAN THE LAST ONE! It's not necessary for you to comment on each of the coming attractions, Ralph!
dr030322 -- ...and the nominees are: "The Pianist"... Didn't see it. - "Gangs Of New York". Didn't see it. - "Lord Of The Rings". Didn't see it. "The Hours". Didn't see it. - ...and "Chicago". WOO HOO! - You saw "Chicago"? No, but I've been there!
dr030323 -- - scoot scoot! - - scooooot! - - scoot scoot scoot! - I guess pulling the table apart in order to put the leaf in the middle is a two-man job! Pretty much EVERYTHING I ask you to do turns out to be a two.man job!
dr030324 -- Our next speaker, class, will be Patrick's father, who will tell us about his exciting job at BULK CLUB! - I hate career day.
dr030325 -- Career Day Kids, I work at Bulk Club membership discount warehouse. - My job is filled with excitement and danger! - What's dangerous about working at Bulk Club? - Have you ever had a ten-pound jug of potato salad fall on your toe?
dr030326 -- Career Day Kids, my job is to make sure that everyone who enters Bulk Club is a member. - How can I become a member? There are STRICT requirements. - You must either own a business, be a farmer or work for the government. There's also a $45
dr030326 -- membership fee. - I don't have a job, but I've got the $45! You're in!
dr030327 -- Career Day Kids, Bulk Club a shopper's paradise! - Where else can you buy a 64-roll pack of bathroom tissue or a 25-pound bag of pinto beans? - The average Bulk Club is larger than a football field. Can anyone guess why it's so big? - To
dr030327 -- accommodate the incredibly long checkout lines? Those re only on weekends, smart aleck!
dr030328 -- Career Day Kids, this is my older son, Norm! - Norm will help me demonstrate my "take-down" technique by attempting to walk past me without showing his membership card! - Do I have to, dad? I let you skip math class to be here! Don't give me
dr030328 -- any guff! - The first maneuver is called the "face-flattener". I think I'd rather go to math!
dr030329 -- Career Day I have a question, Mr. Drabble: before people can buy something at Bulk Club, they have to show their membership card to the cashier, correct? - Correct. So why do they also need to show their card to YOU when they enter the store?
dr030329 -- - - Oops, we're out of time!
dr030330 -- ATM beep beep boop beep - Drive Thru - Drive Thru - Pay Toll 75c - Take Ticket - Centuries from now, scientists will offer all sorts of theories as to why our left arms are longer than our right arms!
dr030331 -- - So how do you like my april fool decorations?
dr030401 -- I can't wait to sit down and relax in my easy chair! - PPFFBBFFFBBFF!! - April fool, dad! Patrick put a whoopee cushion on your chair! - Actually, I put it on the sofa!
dr030402 -- - - - - That ball is headed out of bounds no matter how you look at it!
dr030403 -- FORE!!! - Rats! I hit it into the condominiums again! - You people really should be out of bed by now! I hope you're wearing soft spikes!
dr030404 -- Norman, you have a phone call. I do?? - A phone call for me?? Really?? You're kidding! - Nobody ever calls me! Wow! I can't believe someone wants to speak to me!! - This is the greatest day of my life!!! Norman can't come to the phone right
dr030404 -- now...
dr030405 -- Here you are, sir! One large yogurt! - - I'll just add a little more! I practice that look in the mirror.
dr030406 -- ! - ! - - - - - - - It's bad enough the CAT comes running every time I use the can opener! Sorry. I thought it was the cake mixer!
dr030407 -- "To my wife... - "I may not be handsome, I know I'm a slob... - " I may not be wealthy, I can't hold a job..." - A popular theme in husband-to-wife birthday cards is what a loser the husband is!
dr030408 -- Thank you, Ralph! What a nice birthday card! - This is the nicest birthday card you've ever given me! - Did you READ it before you bought it? Of course I read it! - Then tell me what it says! "Something something happy birthday!"
dr030409 -- I swear! I didn't just buy you the first birthday card I looked at! - We can vouch for that, mom! - He bought the second! The first one had a girl in a bikini on it! Run along now, boys!
dr030410 -- A three-speed reversible drill? - I bought it at Zundel's! How thoughtful! Thank you, Ralph! - Who knew mom would've wanted a three-speed reversible drill for her birthday! She didn't. - She returns everything, so it only matters what store
dr030410 -- you bought it at! Did you keep the receipt?
dr030411 -- Put on your sweater, honeybunch! We're going somewhere! - You have one more birthday surprise in store! - Who knew I could get a free car wash on my birthday!
dr030412 -- Thank you for everything, Ralph! - I had a very nice birthday! - Glad to hear it, honeybunch! - I'm safe until Mother's Day!
dr030413 -- - Norman, why don't you ever stop to tie your shoe? - You might trip and fall! - It would be such a simple thing to stop and tie it! Why on earth do you never do it?? ...Sigh... - - - HEY, COME BACK! - That's why I never stop to tie my shoes!
dr030414 -- I just got a cell phone. - I've never had a cell phone before. - I'm afraid it's going to scare me the first time it rings! Don't worry... - It is highly unlikely your cell phone will ever ring. I could get a wring number!
dr030415 -- Maybe getting a cell phone wasn't such a good idea. - I'm always afraid it's going to ring when I'm in the middle of something important! - - IT COULD HAPPEN!
dr030416 -- Now that I have a cell phone, I live in fear that it's going to ring. - I'm afraid it will be someone calling with bad news. - Either somebody's in the hospital, or the coyotes ate my pet duck, or something terrible... - * AAAAAHHHH! Relax.
dr030416 -- It's just a man whistling.
dr030417 -- - * WHOA! THERE IT IS!! - I HAVE A CALL!! WHERE'S MY HONE? - Hello? Hello! Who's this?? You're talking to your wallet!
dr030418 -- Please ring. Please somebody call me. Please, please, please! - I thought you said you didn't want your phone to ever ring because it would scare you! - I realized I was being immature. - Besides, I just figured out how to make it play the
dr030418 -- theme from "Sponge Bob."
dr030419 -- Mail KLUNK! - "Klunk"?? Letters don't go "klunk." - Uh-oh. - * Cell phones go "klunk"!
dr030420 -- ...oh, and here's daddy! - Hi, daddy! Hey. - Daddy, look at the camera and say "happy easter"! - I said, look at the camera and say "happy easter", daddy! - Happy easter, OK?! - Daddy's in a bad mood because he thought the purple easter egg
dr030420 -- dye was grape juice! Silly daddy! Too bad daddy didn't have the camera when mommy dropped the thanksgiving turkey!
dr030421 -- - - Crud. - I was hoping to get my first cell phone call before I got my first bill.
dr030422 -- Hey, the waitress left us a customer satisfaction survey! - "Rate overall performance". - This is going to be a hard question to answer. Why? - Nobody in here is wearing overalls!
dr030423 -- - Hey! - Why did it have to stop raining?! - Maybe the clouds got tired!
dr030424 -- The answer is NO, Penny, and that's final! - - - Something tells me I'm getting a negative review! Diary write write
dr030425 -- Cats are useless. Z - They don't do tricks, they don't come when you call them... - They don't do ANYTHING! yawn! - Cats are goldfish with fleas! Z
dr030426 -- Here. Take a sip and pass it down! - Pass it down?? - The sodas here are so expensive, our whole row chipped in for one!
dr030427 --One of the great things about the sport of golf is the opportunity it provides to interact with nature! - Any of you ducks seen a Top-Flite(r) around here?
dr030428 -- puff puff - aaaaaggh! - grunt! - I'll either live to be a hundred, or die trying.
dr030429 -- There's my sweet kitty! - You're just the cutest thing! smooch smooch - There are two types of people in the world... - Cat lovers and normal people.
dr030430 -- ...Sigh... - I'm here for you, Wendy. - Thanks. - Now how about being way over there for me!
dr030501 -- thwack!! - Straight down the middle! - Well, actually, straight down the far, far ultra right-hand side of the middle. - Actually, it went out of bounds! Whatever.
dr030502 -- Missing: One dumb cat. - White and orange. Name: Oogie - If found, please keep! - Oogie isn't missing! I can dream, can't I??
dr030503 -- Mark my words, Wendy... - One day you'll see my name in lights! - Norman, the only way you're going to see your name in lights is to change it to "75 Watts."
dr030504 -- I'm home early, honeybunch! - Honeybunch? - la la la la Oh no! She's doing housework with the headphones on again! - If I tap her on the shoulder, I'll startle her and she'll get mad at me! - But if I turn around and go back outside, the
dr030504 -- sudden movement might startle her, and she'll get mad at me! la la la The best option is to stand here quietly until she notices me. - la la la LAAA!! - Ralph! Why would you sneak up and try to scare me like that?!! Sometimes the best option
dr030504 -- ain't much of an option!
dr030505 -- Oogie finally caught that mouse that's been living in the garage! - Really? - Way to go! - Never "high-five" a cat!
dr030506 -- Hey, that's MY game! Well, I'm playing it now! - GET OFF RIGHT NOW! NO! You boys better stop bickering! - I have a new rule: if you fight over something, it gets thrown away! - MY leftover creamed spinach casserole. NO, MINE!
dr030507 -- The Watch - The Stalk - The Pounce - The Kill bite snarl claw I hate cats!
dr030508 -- How was your appointment with the eye doctor? - Great! I'm getting farsighted! - Why is that great? - Because I'm already nearsighted, so eventually, I should be just right!
dr030509 -- Hey, dad! I just discovered something really interesting! What's that, son? - If you turn your cap around and wear it backward like this... - It'll keep the sun out of your eyes! - I might start a whole new trend! You're ahead of your time,
dr030509 -- son.
dr030510 -- Would you like me to help you with your homework, Penny? - Let's see...math, huh? OK, let's see now... - Uhhhh... - Would you like me to help you help Penny with her homework, dad?
dr030511 -- "Bonanza" Sunday nights at 9:00! - "The Munsters" Thursday at 8:00! - "The Addams Family" Fridays at 8:30. - "Batman" Tuesdays AND Wednesdays at 7:30! - The Ed Sullivan Show". Sunday at 8:00. "The Fugitive". Tuesday at 10:00. - Name any old
dr030511 -- TV show, and dad can remember what time it came on! - That's incredible! Mondays at 8:00. He's an idiot-box savant!
dr030512 -- No Neck! Long time no see, Ralph! - Looks like you've lost a little...... - ....uhhh..... - Hair! Nice of you to notice!
dr030513 -- - What are YOU smiling about?! - Sorry. Don't let it happen again! - Norman gets a little grumpy after he's played video games for a while! Grrrr...
dr030514 -- SHOOT! CRUSH! MASH! - Norman seems to get angry whenever he plays video games. - Some of those video games can be pretty intense and violent! - But he's only playing video golf! BITE! It's obviously very realistic!
dr030515 -- Say, Norm... - I've noticed that whenever you play video games for a long time... - You tend to become... - BACK OFF, OLD MAN! I'M TRYING TO SAVE THE WORLD HERE! ...irritable!
dr030516 -- Excuse me... Hey, what are you doing?! - Video games always put in a bad mood. - So I've decided to throw them all out the window. YOU CAN'T DO THAT?? - Of course I can. I'm the mom! Oh, yeah, huh!
dr030517 -- "Rain, rain, go away! Come again some other day." - That's what you said the LAST time it rained! - So the rain went away, and look what happened! It came back TODAY! - Now we're doomed to another day of rain! Everything is my fault!
dr030518 -- - - - - - AHA! - Here they are! - Why did you eat the leftover brownies?? I got tired of having to look at 'em!
dr030519 -- Ralph, look! No! - Just watch! I don't want to! - All you have to do is click "Enter," see?! - What's going on in there? I was just giving your dad another "hands on" computer lesson!
dr030520 -- I can deal with increased ticket prices... - I can even deal with "The Wave". - There's really only one thing about the baseball experience that I'm having trouble dealing with... - bop bop bop bop Those infernal "Rally Boppers". bop bop
dr030521 -- One hot dog, please. - Do you want a jumbo dog, a stadium deluxe dog, a kosher dog, or a turkey dog? - A HOT dog! I'm at a baseball game, and I'd like a HOT dog! - I've got a troublemaker up here!
dr030522 -- bop bop bop - bop bop bop bop bop bop - bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop -
dr030523 -- Hey, you dumb cat! Look what I got at the baseball game! - Rally boppers! When I bop 'em together, they'll make a loud noise, and scare the FUR off you!! - pik! - sssssssssssssssssssss ...or not!
dr030524 -- The dumb cat popped one of my rally boppers! - You can't make noise with one rally bopper, unless you can find something else to bop it against! - Let's see...what else id hollow and filled with air? - bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop
dr030524 -- bop I think most of us saw this once coming!
dr030525 -- Thanks for going out with me tonight, Wendy! - Here. What's that? - It's a customer satisfaction survey, designed to help me improve myself! - Please take a few moments and check the appropriate boxes. - How would you rate your date with
dr030525 -- Norman? O Excellent O Good O Average O Poor - Hmmm...this is going to be difficult. - How come? It goes down only to "poor".
dr030526 -- Ralph, your dislike of Oogie is completely unreasonable! - I never said that I dislike Oogie! - I THINK it a lot, but I've never said it!
dr030527 -- Loo, dad! Your friend No-Neck is sitting over there! - - WHAP! - That'll be four bucks! You've got to be careful when you wave at someone at a baseball game!
dr030528 -- Congratulate me, honeybunch! I finally fixed the toilet! - Well, it's not FIXED fixed... - But it's pretty fixed. Pretty fixed?? - Whatever is wrong with it now is better than what was wrong with it before!
dr030529 -- - - - The easter bunny really did an outstanding job of hiding the eggs this year! Let's HOPE it was this year!
dr030530 -- CRUNCH - It's fun to squash soda cans with your foot! - - OW! OW! OWW!! You're supposed to open it and drink it first.
dr030531 -- My Father by Patrick Drabble - My father was born here in this town. - Start over. - My dear old dad was born right here in this cotton-pickin' town. - How's your 500-word essay coming, Patrick? It's getting there!
dr030601 -- LOOK FOR ONE UP IN YOUR WHEELHOUSE, HUH?! - YOU GOT A COUPLE OF DUCKS OUT THERE, HUH, NOW?! - WHATTYA SAY, NOW! LOOK OUT FOR UNCLE CHARLIE, HUH?! - ZONE-IN, HUH, NOW?! LOCK AND LOAD! - Hey, batter batter...SWING! - - Sorry. My baseball banter
dr030601 -- is not quite at the level of some of the other dads! Whattaya say you work on that, huh, now??
dr030602 -- Oh, boy! May I?? - - mmm-MMMM! - Why ruin perfectly good cookie dough by making cookies out of it?
dr030603 -- - - Don't you even *DARE* think about eating that pie!!!! - Even her sticky notes yell at me!
dr030604 -- Rats! The cord still doesn't reach. - I guess we'll have to buy another extension cord! Another extension cord?? - I thought our extension cord was 75 feet! - It is, when you can get it untangled!
dr030605 -- Dad, will you quiz me on my spelling words? Sure, Patrick! - "Porridge" - "Porridge"?? Why is "Porridge" one of your spelling words?? - It's the 21st century! Why would you ever need to know how to spell "Porridge"?? Remind me not to ask him
dr030606 -- to help with algebra.Psss! Wendy! How old is the earth? - Five billion years old. - Really? I thought it was only 4.5 billion! - Time flies!
dr030607 -- HONK Bless you. - "Bless you"?? I figure we say "bless you" for a sneeze... - Why shouldn't we say "bless you", when somebody blows their nose? It's kind of similar! - That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. You're welcome!
dr030608 -- How come you like to barbecue, dad? - It's a guy thing, Norm. Men love to barbecue! - The desire to cook raw meat over an open fire is inborn in all men! - It dates back to primitive times when hunters would return to the village, and proudly
dr030608 -- roast their prey to feed their family! - Now explain channel surfing. - It has something to do with the brave sentinel standing watch over the village, Wisenheimer!
dr030609 -- - I admire how some people can eat and read at the same time! - What's so hard about that? - I guess I just don't have a talent for it!
dr030610 -- We filled the pool for you, dad! Thanks, boys! - SPLOOSH! - To conserve water, we should probably fill the pool AFTER dad gets in!
dr030611 -- Hey, knock it off, you dumb cat! - You have a nice, new scratching post, but you never use it! - What's up with that?? - The scratch post is the kitty equivalent of the exercise bike!
dr030612 -- Pull forward to the third window, please. - Is this the third window? No! Keep going! - - Something tells me I went too far!
dr030613 -- Ralph, as a courtesy to the other movie-goers, remember to turn off your cell phone. - BOOP! - ...and one more thing... I know. I'm putting it on. - I tend to doze off!
dr030614 -- Bagels - - YECCHH! - Nothing is worse than an unexpected piece of onion in your chocolate bagel!
dr030615 -- OK, Ralph, here's our itinerary for the day... - After church, we'll all take a family nature hike! - Then we'll go to the lake for a picnic! - After that, well come home and sing a few songs around the piano! - Then you can fire up the
dr030615 -- barbecue and cook shish kabob! - And after that, we'll go over to my mother's house to watch her vacation videos! - Won't that be fun? - Try to look excited, dad! I've come to the realization that father's day is just mother's day part two!
dr030616 -- ha ha ho ho hee hee! cackle cackle - HOHO Ha HA cackle cackle cackle HA HA ho ho ho ho hee hee ha ha ha hoo hoo - NOTHING IS THAT FUNNY AT SIX A.M.! - Don't yell at the morning drive-time DJs, Ralph! Somebody needs to!
dr030617 -- Dad? - I'm right here, Norm! - I'm trying to get the fire just right to barbecue some burgers! - did you need something, Norm? I just wanted to let you know all of our smoke alarms work!
dr030618 -- Dad? I'm right here, Norm! - Here are the burgers! Thanks! The fire's just right! I'll put 'em on! - SPLAT! - You missed. Sorry. That one's mine!
dr030619 -- - - - The hot dogs get cooked just by getting CLOSE to dad's barbecue!
dr030620 -- The hamburgers and hot dogs are ready! - Here you go, Norm! - I wanted a hamburger! - That IS a hamburger!
dr030621 -- Ralph, I understand how you could burn hamburgers... - But how exactly did you burn the FRUIT?? I must have set the bowl too close to the burgers!
dr030622 -- Dad, do you have any napkins in the car? - Yeah, there's a bunch of 'em in the glove compartment! - Wow, you DO have a lot of napkins in here, dad! - you've got napkins from Krunchy Kakes donut shop, Down'n'Out Burgers... - Bee Bee's Bagels,
dr030622 -- Ice Cream City, Taco Emporium... - Galtburger, Yougurt'R'Us, 24-Hour Donuts, Hogg's Chili Dogs... - Chicken Heaven, Alvin's Chinese Take-Out, Dave's Donut Farm... - You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the napkins in his car! Yeah, you
dr030622 -- can tell he needs to go on a diet!
dr030623 -- I like how all the seasons are different! - Each season has its own charming characteristics and traditions! - THE JUNE BUGS ARE BACK! THE JUNE BUGS ARE BACK!! Of course, some are more charming than others!
dr030624 -- I guess dad was right... - He really IS a scratch golfer! - skritch skritch skritch Especially when he forgets to put on bug repellent!
dr030625 -- Why don't you take your shirt off, dad? - I'm embarrassed about my "farmer's" tan! - What's so embarrassing about a "farmer's" tan? -
dr030626 -- - Care to join me in the spa, honeybunch? bubble bubble bubble I'm beginning to understand why we still don't have our own TV series!
dr030627 -- Why do they call them "cookies"?? You don't COOK cookies, you BAKE them! - Why don't they call them BAKIES instead? - And another thing: If brownies weren't brown, would they still call them brownies?? If they were pink, would they be called
dr030627 -- PINKIES?? - Here, Penny, have a mouthful of cookie dough! mmmpphh
dr030628 -- What in the world are you doing? Trimming the tree. - Anything wrong with that? No... - ...except that it's artificial! It's bushy on one side, OK?!! - And all these years, I thought you took after ME!
dr030629 -- You know what really bugs me? - It's impossible to watch a baseball game on TV anymore... - ...without seeing a dumb guy with a cell phone trying to get on camera so he can wave at the person he's talking to! - Some people will go anywhere
dr030629 -- just to get noticed! - - Do you agree? Yep!
dr030630 -- !!! - !!! - !!! - Wow! I've never seen a sunburned tongue! Serves you right for taking your cell phone to the beach!
dr030701 -- Lackluster Video How about THIS movie, dad? - Nope. I've never seen it. I never rent movies that I haven't seen before. - Life is too short to spend two hours watching something I might not like, so I only rent movies I've already watched! -
dr030701 -- That kind of limits our choices, doesn't it? Nonsense! The three stooges made LOTS of movies!
dr030702 -- Lackluster Video Great scott!! I just thought of an idea that's going to make millions, dad!! - Try to follow me: we take the concept of a video store, but we rent BOOKS instead! - You mean, like a library? - SOMEBODY BEAT ME TO IT??
dr030703 -- Lackluster Dad, don't rent that baseball movie! We've seen it a dozen times! You know he hits a home run to win the game! - They ought to change the ending in some of these videos! - He either hits the home run, or he strikes out! Then it
dr030703 -- will be more exciting because you'll never know what will happen. How do you like that idea? - Due back on Tuesday. boop!
dr030704 -- I sure hope I don't forget to return this movie! - It's a five-day rental. Today is Friday, so it's due back next Wednesday before noon. - So, somehow, I need to remember to come all the way back here next Wednesday morning and return it! -
dr030704 -- What the heck! As long as I'm already here... Quick Drop
dr030705 -- ? - ? - Which is the wrong side of the bed that daddy said you woke up on?
dr030706 -- We'll call you when your order is ready, sir. You're number 28! Thanks! - We're number 28, Norm. Remember that number! OK, dad! - That shouldn't be too hard. 28 is an easy number to remember! - There are 28 days in February! - Except during
dr030706 -- leap year, when it has 29 days. But that only happens once every 4 years. - All the other months have 30 or 31 days. - They should take a day out of July and august and give them to February th even things out. We'd still have 365 days in the
dr030706 -- year. - LAST CALL FOR NUMBER 28! ...except we'd have 2 less days of summer and two more days of winter!
dr030707 -- One day you'll be sorry you weren't nicer to me. - One day I'll be a star! I've got talent, you know! - Talent?? What sort of talent do YOU have?? - I'll let Senor Handy answer that!
dr030708 -- That's right, Wendy! I've decided to become a famous ventriloquist! - Say something, Senor Handy! - Teeter tyter ticked a teck of tickled tetters! - What did you think of that, Wendy? Tretty Tathetic!
dr030709 -- Thanks for going out with me, Wendy! - I'm sorry I forgot my wallet and you had to pay for everything! - You were certainly a good sport about it! - Going out with you has taught me that sometimes you just have to take the bad with the really
dr030709 -- bad! Thanks!
dr030710 -- Dad, I need some fatherly advice. OK, just a second... - - Why did you put on a sweater and tie? Because this is how Robert Young always dressed on "Father Knows Best." - Everything I know about being a father, I learned from old sitcoms!
dr030710 -- That's comforting!
dr030711 -- Tell me what's wrong, son. I've come to the realization that Wendy doesn't really like me very much. - Why's that? It was because of something she said recently. - What did she say? - "I don't really like you very much." Sounds like a subtle
dr030711 -- hint!
dr030712 -- I wish I could make Wendy like me. Why? - Because then she'd want to go steady, and then she'd want to marry me! - And then she's always be nice to me because I'd be her husband! - You haven't been paying much attention around here for the
dr030712 -- last 20 years, have you?
dr030713 -- KA POK KA POK - KA POK KA POK KA POK KA POK - KA POW! - One to nothing! You know your children are growing up when you no longer feel bad about beating them at ping-pong!
dr030714 -- Here's that blouse I was looking for! - TRIP! - Ralph either needs to lose weight or hang his belt rack higher!
dr030715 -- ...128,672...128,673...128,674... What are you doing? - One of my teachers said we could never count to a million in our lifetime, so I've set out to prove him wrong! - Now, where did I leave off? - 17. Oh, yeah! 18...19...20...
dr030716 -- Is it "starve a cold, feed a fever"... - Or "feed a cold, starve a fever"? - It's "feed a cold, starve a fever." - In that case, I'll just have water!
dr030717 -- Norm, I think you're wasting your time with Wendy. You need to meet other girls! - I don't know where to meet other girls, dad! - There are 20,000 students at your college. That means at least 10,000 of them are women! - There's got to be ONE
dr030717 -- of 'em who likes you! She must attend the night classes!
dr030718 -- twist twist - WOOO! COLD! COLD! COLD! twist twist - HOT! HOT! YEEOWW!! twist twist twist twist - I hate it when I can't remember how to turn off the shower!
dr030719 -- I can't decide what color to paint the living room. - "Vanilla Cream" is pretty, but so are "Toasted Almond" and "Mocha". - I also like "Toffee Crunch," and "Butter Cookie." What do you think? - I think I'm hungry. Only YOU could get hungry
dr030719 -- looking at paint!
dr030720 -- Look what I bought, honeybunch.  - It's a door knob rope exerciser! - You hook it over the door knob, and it becomes an exercise machine! - This contraption will whip me into shape in no time! - CREAK! POP! WHAM! - You're already looking
dr030720 -- thinner!
dr030721 -- Welcome to Galtburger! - Hey, it's me. - That'll be $4.25 at the second window, please! - I come here a lot!
dr030722 -- - Good day, sir! - Urp! - "Refrigerator doorman"... my new least favorite summer job!
dr030723 -- Wendy, I hope you won't be insulted or offended by what I'm about to say... - I think we should start seeing other people. Would that be OK with you? - Ready to go, Wendy? All set! - I'll assume that was a "yes".
dr030724 -- I finally told Wendy we should start dating other people. That wasn't so bad... - Now comes the hard part... - - Eeeww! Finding another person!
dr030725 -- New Car Showroom Wow! Look at THAT car! - Isn't she a beauty?? I'd LOVE to have a car like this! - Most people see hearts before their eyes when they fall in love. Dad sees doughnuts!
dr030726 -- How was work today, Ralph? - I feel whelmed. Huh? - I didn't feel whelmed and I didn't feel underwhelmed. - I just feel whelmed.
dr030727 -- What a shot! - Birdie! - Another Birdie! - I can't believe it! - I hadn't played golf in six months... - And today I'm having the best round of golf I've ever played in my life! - I should not play golf more often! tokkl okkl!
dr030728 -- - I wonder why some creatures are attracted by lights? - Ask your father!
dr030729 -- Here's a bottle of suntan lotion, Ralph. - Don't forget to thoroughly cover your bald spot! - I hope you brought another bottle!
dr030730 -- You boys might not believe this... - But when I was younger, I had a nice head of hair! - You STILL have a nice head of hair, dad! - Only now it's on your back!
dr030731 -- There's only one thing I don't like about spending the day at the beach... - We don't get enough exercise. We just sit around! - Speak for yourself! I get LOTS of exercise! When? - Every time I try to get up out of this stupid beach chair!
dr030801 -- pick pick pick hammer hammersaw saw saw bite bite pound pound - ...Sigh... Don't get upset, dad... - You'll get the DVD out of that package eventually. So far, I hate the 21st century! Here, try a can opener!
dr030802 -- Hello, Newsradio? This is traffic tipster Drabble, calling... - Every single motorist I see is talking on a cell phone. This strikes me as very dangerous! - Say what? - Yeah, but I'm a traffic tipster! I'm exempt!!
dr030803 -- ...one glazed donut...one chocolate chip bagel... - One large frozen yogurt...one box of cheese crackers...one slice of pepperoni pizza... - One cheese and bean burrito, no onions.. What are you doing, dad? - I'm starting a new diet... - I
dr030803 -- have to write down everything I ate during the day. - It's supposed to help me examine my eating habits. - Unfortunately, I don't think I'm going to be able to stick with it. How come? - I'm getting writer's cramp!
dr030804 -- Listen, Wally...they're about to give my traffic update on the radio! - Tipster Drabble just called in to report looky-loo slowing on the south bay curve! - Tipster Steinbauer reports that tipster Drabble is driving with a dog in his lap,
dr030804 -- constituting a road menace! -
dr030805 -- Tipster Drabble just called in to report that tipster Steinbauer just made an illegal lane change. Hee hee! - And now, tipster Steinbauer reports that tipster Drabble is driving with a deployed air bag! - I AM NOT!! - Correction: that's his
dr030806 -- stomach!
dr030806 -- My suit always looks great when it comes back from the cleaners. - - - ...for about ten seconds!
dr030807 -- Now, HERE'S a class I should take next semester... - "Beginning Conversation." I already know how to converse! What an easy class! - Norman, that's a "second language" course! It's only for non-native speakers! You can't take it! - Darn! I
dr030807 -- could've had a cinch "C-Plus".
dr030808 -- What classes did you decide to take at college this fall, Norm? - Bonehead English, Bonehead Math... - Bonehead Science and Bonehead Reading! - You da man, Norm! Thanks!
dr030809 -- I think you've made a mistake, Norman...you signed up for the same class twice! - See? You signed up for algebra in the morning AND in the afternoon! - That wasn't a mistake... - I figured if I took 'em both, I was bound to pass one of them!
dr030810 -- Krunchy Kakes OK, everyone back in the car! - That was pretty cool, huh? Yeah, dad. - The next stop on our journey will be the Krunchy Kakes donut shop in El Segundo! - Then we'll head to the Krunchy Kakes shop in Palmdale... - And then we'll
dr030810 -- visit the Krunchy Kakes donut shop in Porterville, the Krunchy Kakes Donut shop in Buttonwillow, and the Krunchy Kakes donut shop in Galt! - I'm already getting sick! That's what we get for letting dad plan our summer vacation! After that,
dr030810 -- we'll stop somewhere for lunch!
dr030811 -- Well, hello, Pooch! - You're probably looking for my front yard! - It's the house on the corner! The lawn has a bunch of dead spots! You can't miss it! - None of the neighborhood dogs ever miss it! That was subtle!
dr030812 -- - Ralph, if you're going to sunbathe in the late afternoon, you need to suck in your stomach!
dr030813 -- Here's your soda,Ralph! - Can't you see my hands are full? - Just set it down someplace! -
dr030814 -- I thought you were on a diet! - How did you know I was eating a brownie? - I have eyes on the back of my head! - The only thing you have on the back of your head is skin!
dr030815 -- Slow down, Ralph! Don't drive over that speed bump! Go around it! Yes, dear! - Don't park here! We'll get a dent! Park on an end space! ...Sigh... - Mom's really a guiding influence for you, isn't she? - You might say she's the
dr030815 -- backseat-driving force in my life!
dr030816 -- dink dink dink dink dink - Is it my imagination, or was she walking a Christmas ornament?
dr030817 -- - GAH! - * * - Well, don't just stand here! DO something!! - - Can I borrow your pruning shears? CAUTION CAUTION CAUTION CAUTION
dr030818 -- Uh-oh...this movie says "Property of Lackluster Video. Please Return." - We haven't rented a movie in weeks! This must be overdue! - Don't worry. The late fees can't be THAT much! It's just a little overdue! What movie is it? - "Santa's
dr030818 -- Favorite Christmas" OK, so it's a LOT overdue!
dr030819 -- This is a Christmas movie! It's at least nine months overdue!! - "Santa's Favorite Christmas". Oh, yeah...I remember watching this! - But it wasn't last chistmas when we watched it... Thank goodness! - We watched it TWO Christmases ago!
dr030820 -- Hello, Lackluster Video? This is...uh...well, let's just call me "Johnny." - I have a hypothetical question: suppose I had a video that was two years overdue. How much would I owe in late fees? - - It didn't cost that much to MAKE this
dr030820 -- movie!! Don't worry, dad. A man of your ability can always land a second job!
dr030821 -- OK, Norm, here's our plan... "Our" plan?? - We'll take the overdue movie back to the video store, but we won't say anything... - We'll just put it back on the shelf and hope that nobody noticed it was missing! - If anyone ever asks us about
dr030821 -- it, we'll just plead ignorance! That always seems to work for us!
dr030822 -- Lackluster Video Dad, I'm scared! Relax, Norm. We're not doing anything wrong! - We're just going to sneak an overdue movie back INTO the video store. We're not sneaking anything OUT! - It's not like we're CROOKS or something! Now get going!
dr030822 -- Me?? - Why aren't YOU going? Someone needs to stay in the getaway car!
dr030823 -- Honeybunch, Norm and I just saved our family from financial ruin... - Tell me about it later. I'm looking for something. - I bought a move from the used-movie bin at Lackluster Video, and now I can't find it! - "Santa's Favorite Christmas".
dr030823 -- Have you seen it anywhere? Great. We returned a "bought" movie!
dr030824 -- Lackluster Video Fred! Ralph! - What's up? Oh, not much! - I'm just renting a few "G" rated movies for the family to watch! See? - Yeah, me too! See? "Mary Poppins", "Davy Crockett"... - Hey! An "R" rated movie! How did that get in here?? -
dr030824 -- I'll just go put that back on the shelf where it belongs! - I hate bumping into friends from church at the video store!
dr030825 -- I keep hearing my stomach growl! - I must be hungry. - You can't be hungry. You just ate dinner! Oh, yeah. - Maybe I'm sitting on the cat!
dr030826 -- How do you like my new "Donut" pool, honeybunch? - I knew there was a lot of fat in donuts, but this is ridiculous!
dr030827 -- Dad, I have some good news and some not-so-good news! - The good news is I'm going to be on television! - What's the not-so-good news? - It's a program called "World's Dumbest 911 Calls".
dr030828 -- I can't believe how much time you spend standing in front of the refrigerator! - What makes you think I spend a lot of time in front of the refrigerator? - Our floor has a permanent indentation!
dr030829 -- Patrick, why are you carrying a sofa on your back? - School starts next week, and I need to get in shape for carrying my backpack! You should probably add a few pounds!
dr030830 -- Dad, I have some good news and some bad news. - ...and some average news and some semi-good news. - And some really, really bad news, and some sort-of-good news, and some news I won't know if it's good or bad. - So which do you want to hear
dr030830 -- first? Surprise me.
dr030831 -- - - - - - - - - Why don't we just move dad's chair closer to the refrigerator? It's the only exercise he gets!
dr030901 -- Hey, Ralph! Quit parking your old car in front of my house! - It leaks oil and leaves unsightly stains all over the place! - Relax, Steinbauer! It won't be a problem any longer! - Because you're going to move it? No, because it's finally out
dr030901 -- of oil!
dr030902 -- I'm giving you one last chance to move your leaky old car, Ralph! - What are you going to do, Steinbauer? Call the police? - Worse. What I'll do to you will make you WISH you were rotting in jail! - I will place the "Steinbauer Curse" upon
dr030902 -- your head. The "Steinbauer Curse??"
dr030903 -- You're threatening to put a CURSE on me? - Give me a break! That's it, Ralph! You asked for it! - I hereby pronounce the Steinbauer Curse upon your head. May your days be filled with woe! The end. - You're in big trouble now! Ralph, my mother
dr030903 -- just called. She's coming for an extended visit!
dr030904 -- What do you mean, your mother is coming for an extended visit?? - She might stay through the holidays! The HOLIDAYS?? - How do you like the "Steinbauer Curse" so far, Ralph? - There's no such thing as a curse!! Dad, I don't know how it
dr030904 -- happened, but some of your TV remote ended up in the aquarium!
dr030905 -- Have you had enough of the "Steinbauer Curse," Ralph? - All you have to do for me to lift the curse is promise never to park your leaky car in front of my house again! - How many times do I have to tell you, Steinbauer? I don't believe in
dr030905 -- curses! - Suit yourself! Dad, how do you shut off the main water valve into our house?
dr030906 -- Yogurt I'll have my usual: chocolate and peanut butter with sprinkles! I'm sorry. We're out of those two flavors! - How could you be out of the only two flavors I like?? - Chalk another one up to the "Steinbauer Curse"! - THERE'S NO SUCH
dr030906 -- THING AS A CURSE!! We're also out of sprinkles.
dr030907 -- I like it when I'm at the beach and airplanes fly by with their Advertising. Eat More KRUNCHY KAKES Donuts - Hey, Ralph! Have Some Pop's PORK RINDS I don't like it, however, when they know I'm in my backyard and they circle the house!
dr030908 -- Lock the door! Close the blinds! - Steinbauer pronounced a curse on me! Don't be ridiculous! - I'm telling you, there's a CURSE upon my head!! - Maybe that explains your bald spot! Did he put a curse upon your stomach?
dr030909 -- Well, Ralph...are you ready for me to remove the Steinbauer Curse from your head? - All you have to do is apologize and beg for mercy. - I don't believe in the "Steinbauer Curse", and I refuse to beg you for anything! - Dad, can they raise
dr030909 -- our insurance rates if I just drove off with a gas pump hose still in the car? JUST IN CASE, ARE YOU GOING TO BE HOME ALL DAY?
dr030910 -- Ralph! What happened to your neck? nothing, yet... - But ever since Steinbauer put a curse on me, bad things have been happening! - I figure it's a good idea to put the neck brace on BEFORE I get hurt! - BONK! OW!! See? Am I smart or what??
dr030911 -- Ralph, this "Steinbauer Curse" business is silly. Nothing that bad has happened to you! Oh, really? - Your mother is coming for an extended visit, our insurance rates are going up, we've had plumbing problems... - And my TV remote fell in
dr030911 -- the fish tank! - Is that all? DID I MENTION YOUR MOTHER IS COMING TO AN EXTENDED VISIT?!!
dr030912 -- You win, Steinbauer! I beg you to remove the "Steinbauer Curse" from my head! - I beg it's customary to beg from bended knee! - NEVER! - Ralph, not only is my mother coming to visit, she's bringing her poodle, Gigi! One knee or two?
dr030913 -- I hereby remove the Steinbauer Curse! Thank you, Mr. Steinbauer! Thank you! - Good news, Ralph! My mother just arrived for her extended visit! - I THOUGHT YOU REMOVED THE CURSE!! - I removed the STEINBAUER Curse. The MOTHER-IN-LAW Curse is an
dr030913 -- entirely different thing!
dr030914 -- - - - - What?? - You ate that entire cheeseburger in only five bites! - That's a new record! It's nice to be a source of inspiration to your children!
dr030915 -- Gosh, dad, it's such a hot day... - How can you stand to wear those sweatpants?? - Your father's sweatpants are well-ventilated!
dr030916 -- Sign here, please. Aren't you going to ask to see my photo I.D.? - During a credit card transaction, the sales clerk should ALWAYS ask to see a photo I.D.. - Dad's become quite security.conscious, hasn't he? Not really... - He finally got a
dr030916 -- good driver's license photo and he likes to show it off! Yup. That's you!
dr030917 -- !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111!!!!!!! - boop! Whew - I hate it when my friend Peggy calls because it always turns into an hour-long conversation! - Peggy obviously doesn't know when to stop listening!
dr030918 -- Fifty years from now, I wonder if there will still be such a thing as tapioca pudding. - You hardly ever see the youth of today eating tapioca pudding. - Seems a shame! Some people worry about endangered species. Dad worries about endangered
dr030918 -- desserts!
dr030919 -- I'm trying to decide how to make a better impression on girls. - Should I try to change my image, or should I just be myself? - What would you do if you were in my shoes, dad? - Tie 'em!
dr030920 -- - - Uh-oh - Just in case you're interested, our phone bill required extra postage this month. I better go.
dr030921 -- Now close your eyes, birthday boy! - - - OK, open them! - Ralph? - Z Never ask a man his age to close his eyes!
dr030922 -- The personalized license plate on the car ahead of us says "Foxychick!. - Maybe we should pull up along side and have a look? - - Hello, highway patrol? I'd like to report a stolen vehicle!
dr030923 -- twirl twirl - twirl twirl twirl - twirl twirl twirl twirl twirl twirl - I should've ordered rigatoni!
dr030924 -- Let me try this again... - twirl twirl twirl twirl - twirl twirl twirl twirl twirl twirl twirl - Check, please!
dr030925 -- Marco! Marco! - ? Marco! Marco! Marco! Marco! - Norman, it takes at least two people to play Marco Polo! No wonder I keep losing!
dr030926 -- Hmmm... - Waiter, what is the catch of the day? - Mahi mahi. - I heard you the first time!
dr030927 -- Know what I'm in the mood for? - Yeah,,,an ice cream sundae! - How did you know? - My stomach is always a step ahead of you! No comment.
dr030928 -- We're the first ones in the theater, so we can sit wherever we want! - Let's sit here in the center! You can't do any better than this! - - On second thought, let's move. It's too drafty here! - This is much better! We'll have a great view
dr030928 -- from here! - Aren't you going to sit down, dad? Not yet. - On second thought, I don't like it here either. Let's try the balcony.
dr030929 -- I wish I wasn't so shy. - I seem to be afraid of everybody and everything! - You should do something that will force you out of your comfort zone. That's the whole problem... - I don't even HAVE a comfort zone!
dr030930 -- I've devised a plan to overcome my shyness... - Over the course of my lifetime, I intend to say hello to every person on earth! - - ...starting with the next one!
dr031001 -- Do you really think you can say hello to every person on earth? - Just watch me... - - I said hello to to him yesterday!
dr031002 -- So far, I've said hello to 17 people! Do you still think you can say hello to every person on earth? - How many people are there in the world? Over 6 billion! - No problem... - I'll say hi to the rest of them next time I'm in line at the
dr031002 -- department of motor vehicles!
dr031003 -- Rats! I can't understand why I'm not a better putter! - I guess I don't have good hand-eye coordination! - You certainly have good hand-NOSE coordination!
dr031004 -- Ooooohh! - Tell your mom I'd like another hot fudge sundae. But you've already had three! - I'm in training! Training?? - He's determined to win the cannonball contest at the lodge pool party!
dr031005 -- Well, I'm finally getting a good night's sleep! - After years of listening to your father's infernal snoring, I finally got the bright idea to use earplugs! - The doctor told him his snoring might decrease if he lost a few pounds, but he was
dr031005 -- to lazy to do that! - Then I asked him to wear those nasal strips, but he was too lazy to do that, either! - So now I use earplugs at night, and I no longer have to listen to his incessant racket! - Doesn't it bother you to hear mom complain
dr031005 -- about you like that? Huh? - Sorry, I couldn't hear you. Your mom uses these earplugs at night, and I use 'em the rest of the day!
dr031006 -- I always wondered how the castaways on "Gilligan's Island" had so many clothes. - After all, they were just going on a little cruise! Why would they pack so much? - Now I understand. You must've packed for them! Oh, hush!
dr031007 -- We haven't left the dock yet, and I'm already bored! Bored?? - This cruise ship has everything! Shows, games, parties... It's going to be awful. - It has a casino, an exercise room, a dance floor... I can't believe you talked me into this! -
dr031007 -- Oh, and a 24-hour free buffet! ANCHORS AWEIGH!!
dr031008 -- Our first cruise! Isn't it exciting, Ralph? - We can relax and not worry about anything for an entire week! - So feel free to take off the life vest! I'm only wearing this because I look good in orange!
dr031009 -- Ralph, I know you're not crazy about boats, but I think you'll enjoy this cruise! - These modern ocean liners are very safe! - And our cabin has everything! A TV, a phone, a... - Mayday! Mayday! Give me the captain! I think I see an iceberg!
dr031009 -- Ralph, that's Catalina!
dr031010 -- Isn't this cruise ship exciting, Ralph? I can't decide what to do next! - We could see a show or we could play Bingo... - Or we could go swimming or play ping-pong or... Rats! - What's wrong? I think I've already got scurvy!
dr031011 -- Ralph! Look who's sitting in the lounge! It's the captain! That captain? - Hello, captain! Hello! - Pardon my ignorance, captain, but may I ask a nautical question? Certainly! - While you're down here having a belt, WHO'S STEERING THE BOAT???
dr031012 -- Soda On your mark...get set... - GO! - - - DONE! - I'm the fastest soda filler! You must have started with more ice! Those two can turn anything into a contest!
dr031013 -- I get the feeling you're starting to enjoy being on the cruise, Ralph! I'll say! - The buffets are fantastic! I can't believe all the free food! - I think I'll go back for sevenths! Sir, the captain wants me to remind you that the food needs
dr031013 -- to last until Friday!
dr031014 -- Basketball on a cruise ship! - - Whoa! - Maybe you shouldn't take any more jump shots!
dr031015 -- Welcome to the show, sir! I see you've been enjoying the free buffet! - You should know! You were my waiter! - Score: Fat Guy...1 Cruise Ship Comedian...0 I'm glad you're starting to enjoy yourself.
dr031016 -- Ralph, shopping in Ensenada has been my favorite part of the ship cruise! - Mine, too! Look what I bought! A box of Mexican jumping beans! tikka tik tok . The kids will love them! Kids?? tok tok tikka - OK, I'll go back and get some for them,
dr031016 -- too!
dr031017 -- I just had a thought... Congratulations! - When we disembark, how will I get my jumping beans past security? tik tik tikkity - You're not supposed to bring agricultural products back into the country! Besides, they make such a racket that...
dr031017 -- tikka tikka tik-kitty! - What do you mean, CONGRATULATIONS?!
dr031018 -- Welcome Home, Mom and Dad! So, how was the cruise? - Great, until your dad tried to bring some jumping beans home inside the luggage. - A security guard heard the ticking sound, so he hurled the suitcase into the ocean! - Bummer! I'll say. I
dr031018 -- also had 12 slices of cheesecake from the buffet in there!
dr031019 -- Remember, Ralph, every parent on the soccer team has a responsibility... - Someone is the team mom, someone is the team sponsor... - The referee, the snack coordinator, the coaches, the keeper of the banner... - So be a good sport and don't
dr031019 -- complain about YOUR job! Oh, all right... TWEET! - But why am *I* always expected to provide the halftime shade??
dr031020 -- 0:1 No problem, team! You'll get it back! - 0:2 No problem! No problem! - 0:3 No problem! - 0:17 Problem.
dr031021 -- Don't give up, Varmints! - I know you're playing a rough tram... - Show 'em what you're made of! We are!! - Most of us are bleeding!
dr031022 -- Hey, no problem, Varmints! - That was a bad call! Don't worry about it! - The refs are human, too! - Sort of. I heard that, Ralph!
dr031023 -- BAD CALL, REF! - Hey, Steinbauer! You picked a bad time not to wear your contacts! - I will not tolerate verbal abuse from the parents, Ralph! - File. I'll try not to use any more verbs!
dr031024 -- Not one more word about my officiating, Ralph! OK - You're missing a good game, though! That's it! TWEET! - Yellow card! That means you have officially been warned! - I'm glad you can at least see well enough to distinguish colors!
dr031025 -- I've had it with you, Ralph! I'm giving you a RED CARD! What's that? - It means you must leave the field! And if you don't, I'll give you a BLACK card! - What's a black card mean? It's reserved for the most obnoxious parents... - It means
dr031025 -- you're the new ref! No! Please! Anything but that!
dr031026 -- Time for my favorite autumn tradition! - - - - Jumping into a pile of dad's candy wrappers! Please save some for the trick-or-treaters this year, Ralph!
dr031027 -- Come on, Norm! Open it up! Hold on...this is an exciting moment! - Do you realize that I am about to become the first person ever to look into this pumpkin? - No one in the history of the world has seen what's inside this pumpkin! I will be
dr031027 -- the first! - It's dark in here!
dr031028 -- Why do I even bother to buy Halloween candy? - I always eat it all before the kids get to my house, no matter how early they arrive. - Trick or treat! They're getting wise!
dr031029 -- TRICK OR TREAT! - NOW you show up! - I sat around waiting for trick-or-treaters and no one came, so I finally just ate all the candy myself! - It's not even dark yet! - Next year, try to get here in the morning!
dr031030 -- Beware! Turn Back!! - Go Away! No Trespassing Do Not Enter!! - KNOCK KNOCK - We like your Halloween decorations, Mr. Drabble! What decorations?
dr031031 -- TRICK OR TREAT! - Sorry, kids. We're out of candy. - Would you like some popcorn instead? Sure! - Be sure to ask your parents before operating the microwave!
dr031101 -- KNOCK KNOCK - Trick or treat! Aren't you kind of late? - What are you supposed to be, anyway? - An appliance repairman. I show up any time between 8 and 5.
dr031102 -- I'm home! - Hi, daddy! Hello, Penny! - - ? - - Poor dad! Even his HAT has a bald spot!
dr031103 -- - - - Three days after Halloween, the candy corn at the bottom of the bag starts to look pretty good!
dr031104 -- skattle skattle skattle skattle - skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle - *yawn* skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle Wally, quit chasing the cat!
dr031105 -- Here, Norman. This is for you. - For me?? How thoughtful! - A "get well" card! Thank you, Wendy! That's really... - I'M NOT SICK!!
dr031106 -- Catch the Frisbee, Wally! - skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle - skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle - Playing Frisbee with Wally requires a little skill! CLOMP!
dr031107 -- - Thinking out loud again?
dr031108 -- I think we should fatten up this duck for thanksgiving dinner! - Bob isn't a duck, dad. He's a rare, south America parrot that takes on the characteristics of a duck for survival in the jungle! - Oh, yeah. I forgot! - Gimme back that
dr031108 -- cheesecake!
dr031109 -- NUTS! It's headed for the lake, Ralph! - PLUNK! - ...sigh... - - - PTOO! - I could've SWORN it went in the lake! Every golfer should bring his own duck! See you on the back nine!
dr031110 -- Dad, I feel that I need to improve myself. - Congratulations, Norm! As they say: Once you realize you're cuckoo, you're halfway out the clock! - So, which of your many shortcomings are you going to tackle first? I'm going to try to be a nicer
dr031110 -- person! - NICER?! Are you NUTS?? Probably, but one thing at a time!
dr031111 -- I'm telling you, Norm, you're too nice! - People don't respect you if you're too nice! You need to be more... Excuse me, dad... - Oh, sir in the blue car! The light is green! You can go now! Sir? - JUST HONK THE HORN!! That wouldn't be nice!
dr031112 -- I mean it, dad...I think I should try to become a nicer person. - In my opinion, Norm, you're already TOO nice! - Why would you say a thing like that? - May I take your order, please? Oh, just bring me whatever's easiest for you! The defense
dr031112 -- rests.
dr031113 -- Here you are, sir! Thank you. - See, Norm? You're too nice! Why did you thank her for bringing your soda? - She's SUPPOSED to bring your soda! She gets PAID to do that! Quit being so nice!! OK. - Here's your burger! Thank you! You're killin'
dr031113 -- me, Norm!
dr031114 -- Norm, you need to be more assertive! Call our waitress over here and tell her to refill your soda! - I don't need a refill, dad. That's the whole point! - You don't NEED a refill, you WANT a refill! Her job is to bring you what you want! Now
dr031114 -- do it!! - Ahh, excuse me...if it's not too much trouble, and if you're not too busy, and if you wouldn't mind... I guess Rome wasn't built in a day.
dr031115 -- Norman, if you want people to respect you, you've got to be more assertive! Watch this... - Yo! Waitress! Refills on the double! Hop to it! Chop-chop! - - I'm sorry! Please forgive me! Yeah, never mind. We'll do it ourselves!
dr031116 -- 0:0 OK, team! Show 'em what we're made of! Let's be the first to score! - 0:1 OK, no problem! That's only one! Let's get it back! - 0:2 Big deal! That's only two! We're still the better team! Let's tighten our defense a little! - 0:3 They got
dr031116 -- lucky that time! Let's go! We can come back! - 0:4 - 0:12 Well, at least our uniforms are prettier!
dr031117 -- ...for it's one...two...three strikes you're out... - At the ooollld baallll gaaame! - - Oh, that was my cell phone, wasn't it? Maybe you should pick a ring tome you don't like so much!
dr031118 -- ...but thank you very much for calling! - You made my day! - Bye! - Wrong number. Tell me again why you thought you needed a cell phone!
dr031119 -- Speak, Wally! Speak! - woof! Good boy! - SNARF! - You're supposed to give the treats to Wally! I'm doing most of the work here!
dr031120 -- It's not too early to start thinking of a Christmas gift for Wendy. - Maybe she'd like a watch! No, she's already got a watch. - ...and she really, really like it! How can you tell! - Every time we go out together, she's always looking at it!
dr031121 -- comb comb comb comb - Perfect! - Tell me again why you want to look like you're wearing a hairpiece. I'm going for a mature look!
dr031122 -- Sit, Wally! Sit! - - Uh...OK, good dog! - Sometimes it's hard to tell when Wally isn't sitting!
dr031123 -- - - - - - Darn! I can't decide! - They're just paper towels! You could splurge and buy 'em both! You take all the fun out of shopping!
dr031124 -- Ah...allow me! - scoot! - You're supposed to pull out a woman's chair BEFORE she sits down! Oh, yeah, huh!
dr031125 -- Bulk Club Membership Discount Store Please, dad? Sorry, Norm. I'm on my break! - Come on! I promise not to ask you again for a whole month! oh, OK... - COMING THROUGH! What good is having a dad who works at bulk club if you can't get a
dr031125 -- dr031125 -- occasional ride on the fork lift?
dr031126 -- I think we should remodel our home! How come? - We need a media room! - 'scuse me. I think dad already HAS a media room!
dr031127 -- Be sure to congratulate your mom... - She dropped 15 pounds! Wow! - Congratulations, mom! Hee hee! Quit making jokes and help me puck this up!!
dr031128 -- Rats! I didn't put the Christmas lights away neatly last year. - Now I have to spend hours untangling them all. - Or not!
dr031129 -- SHRIEK!! WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?! - I hate it when that happens! Why does she have to make the same sound when she drops a roll of paper towels as she'd make when encountering Bigfoot?
dr031130 -- Have you ever noticed that it's getting harder and harder to mail a letter? - You can't just leave 'em in your mailbox anymore because of the possibility of theft! - We used to be able to drop them in the neighborhood collection box, but they
dr031130 -- took it out! - The drive-thru receptacles at the post office are always stuffed, and the line is out the door! - The only safe way to mail a letter is to personally hand it to our letter carrier! - Excuse me... - - Sorry. I thought you were a
dr031130 -- pit bull! You should look into e-mail, dad!
dr031201 -- - - - Eww, gross! No wonder it takes you so long to wrap gifts!
dr031202 -- It never fails... - Every time I wash my car, it rains! Oh, well... - You've only washed it twice in the last five years! It's still pretty amazing!
dr031203 -- Want a doggy treat, Wally? - Hey, what happened to all the doggy treats?? - Wally couldn't have eaten them all! Who on earth... - Ahh...a clue! scratch scratch
dr031204 -- ? rattle rattle pop! rattle pop! pop! rattle - Why is the dryer making such a strange racket? pop! pop! rattle rattle pop! - NORMAN!! poppity! pop! pop! Sweet! It worked!
dr031205 -- Here's your change! - Have a nice day! - snicker snicker! - It's time to buy a new car when the drive-thru clerks start giggling!
dr031206 -- "May the joys of the season be yours... - "But only if you're willing to dedicate yourself and play hard. - "Move! Down the line!! Get the lead out!! NOW!!" - It's a Christmas card from Patrick's soccer coach! Heartwarming.
dr031207 -- Norm! You shouldn't be doing your homework on the couch! - Sit at the table instead! How come? - If you sit at the table, the lighting will be better and you'll also have better posture! - You'll be able to concentrate better, and then you'll
dr031207 -- get better grades! ...Sigh... - - And then I can have the couch!
dr031208 -- Fa la la la laaah, la la la laaah! In a one horse open sleigh! You'll go down in historeee! And a happy new year! Tidings of comfort and joy! - That was really bad. Next time we go caroling, we need to agree on a song!
dr031209 -- Oh, look! We got a Christmas card from Gigi! GIGI?? - My mother's dog! You mother's dog sent us a Christmas card?? - "Woofing you a merry Christmas!" Isn't that precious? It warms my heart. - ...although that may have just been a little acid
dr031209 -- reflux!
dr031210 -- Time to break out the holiday candies! - - - I could've sworn I filled this one up already!
dr031211 -- Whenever you take the dog for a walk, always remember to tie one of those little blue baggies to the leash- skattle skattle skattle  - The neighbors always appreciate it. - It makes 'em think we're really gonna use it! skattle skattle skattle
dr031212 -- Norman! What happened to your thumb?? - I injured myself opening a Christmas card. - It was kind of a freak accident. - Any accident you're involved in is a freak accident. Thank you.
dr031213 -- Daddy, guess what! What, Penny? - It's the night before the night before the night before the night before the night before... - The night before the night before the night before the night before the night before... - The night before the
dr031213 -- night before Christmas!! Then you better get to bed early!
dr031214 -- Yuletide City I can't decide, Ralph! Which tree should we buy? I don't care. - Which do you like better? I like 'em both! Either one is fine. - Ralph, look at these two trees and give me your honest opinion... - Which one do you think is
dr031214 -- better? I like the one on the right. - The one on the RIGHT???! The one on the right is ugly and stupid and rotten!! - We'll take the one on the left! The only tine she asks for my opinion is when she doesn't want it!
dr031215 -- This tree is getting heavy, dad! - Don't give up, Norm! We're at most there! - One more twist oughta' do it! Why do they have to do everything the hard way?
dr031216 -- puff puff - - - I can't believe I need to exercise just to stay in this bad of shape!
dr031217 -- LEON, LEON... - - FLIP! - NOEL, NOEL...
dr031218 -- Norman, would you please put your dad's gift next to the tree? - Which one is dad's? It's all one gift! - It's not easy disguising a golf club!
dr031219 -- - How's that, dad? Norman, when I asked you to rotate the tires, I didn't mean to park it backwards!
dr031220 -- Hold on, Kathy...I have another call. - boop! Hello? - Hi, honeybunch! What's for dinner? - Pot roast. - OK, bye! - Sorry, Kathy. I hate "call waiting." On the other hand, I find it quite useful!
dr031221 -- Yuletide City - - Ralph! Come look at this one! - This is the prettiest tree I've seen all year! - And it's reasonably priced! - This tree is absolutely perfect! - RATS! Didn't you guys buy a tree here last week? Yup. Most people stop looking
dr031221 -- after they buy a tree, but we like to torture ourselves! Darn darn darn
dr031222 -- PS: Our kids are cuter than they appear. - PS: Our kids are cuter than they appear. - PS: Our kids are cuter than they appear. - My hand is killing me! If you're going to send photo-Christmas cards, you really should pick a photo that you
dr031222 -- like.
dr031223 -- Look Ralph! I'm standing under the mistle-toe! - - - Very funny tying it to the ceiling fan!
dr031224 -- - - - ? - Wally! Quit eating the popcorn string! munch munch munch
dr031225 -- Let's let mom open her present first! - Here you go, mom! Never ask Norman to help you tie a bow!
dr031226 -- I want you to know that I had no intention... - of going into the book store. - But a great parking spot up just as I was driving by, so I figured, why not? - The road to the poor house is lined with great parking spots!
dr031227 -- WHOA! NOT SO FAST! WHERE'S YOUR RECEIPT?! Oops! Sorry, it's right here! - ...OK, OK, OK, OK , OK... - Have a nice day! - Never try to slip past the bulk club exit sentinel!
dr031228 -- Let's go, Wally! - skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle - - - - Good boy! skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle - Did you take Wally for a walk around the block? More or less! pant pant pant
dr031229 -- - Fred's Towing - - It's time to get a new car when you start recognizing tow truck drivers!
dr031230 -- Thanks again for my Christmas gift, Wendy! - "Ukulele for morons" - How did you know I wanted to play the ukulele? I didn't - I just knew you were a moron! Well, thanks for the thought you put into it!
dr031231 -- There's only one day of the year I like better than Christmas... - The first trash AFTER Christmas!
dr040101 -- Goodbye, Bing...'bye, Nat...'bye, Andy... - I hate putting the Christmas music away! - It will be such a long time before I start listening to it again! That's true... - The fourth of July is a long way off! 'bye, Barking Dogs!
dr040102 -- - - - Don't ever get a facelift, OK, dad? My turn!
dr040103 -- For my new year's resolution, I've decided to say whatever is on my mind! - - - It's going to be a quiet year.
dr040104 -- - sniff sniff - sniff sniff sniff - sniff sniff sniff - sniff sniff - sniff sniff sniff sniff - sniff sniff sniff - sniff sniff sniff sniff - AH HA! - I found my shoes! We all knew they were around here someplace!
dr040105 -- Ralph, if it hurts that much to play racquetball, maybe you shouldn't do it anymore! - I haven't even played yet. This is from bending over to tie my shoes!
dr040106 -- Hmmm... - Honeybunch, are these my sweatpants or yours? - Gee, let me see... - They seem to fit you pretty well! I sense that you may have taken umbrage at the question.
dr040107 -- Look, Wally! i finally finished your sweater! - I've been knitting since august! - I should've quit in November.
dr040108 -- - - - Why did you have to go and tell him that birds are descended from dinosaurs? Sorry.
dr040109 -- - i can't see the movie! - your head is in the way! - Don't worry. I'll let you know if anything good happens!
dr040110 -- WHAM! - It would've been easier to empty the pool in September, like I told you to. - I'm a little behind on my "honey do" list.
dr040111 -- I'm back from the store, Ralph, and I have a carload of groceries! You sure do! - - Well? Well, what? - Aren't you going to help me? - Oh, yeah! you bet, honeybunch! - Holler if you need help opening the front door!
dr040112 -- This is my first visit to this dentist. - I heard that he shows movies during the exam. - i didn't realize HE was the one who watched them! Hee hee hee!
dr040113 -- Ooohh! I'm getting sick but I can't stop eating! - somebody please take away this bag of pork rinds! - GRRRRRR! - That's a good way to lose a finger! Never come between your dad and his pork rinds!
dr040114 -- How do you like my new hairstyle, dad? - Hmm...something doesn't look quite right about it. - Put your hands on your face and open your eyes real big. - NOW it looks right!
dr040115 -- Oops! - - When you're in my kind of shape, you learn to do a lot of things with your toes!
dr040116 -- - creak! - - YES! Just because the December credit card bill hasn't arrived yet, don't think they forgot about you!
dr040117 -- munch munch - GULP! - Dang. - i hate it when all my french fries are gone. Maybe they'd last longer if you didn't eat fifty at a time!
dr040118 -- The other day, i was standing outside talking to our neighbor. - And his wife came outside and brought him something to drink. - And i thought, "what a lucky man!" - I wish MY life would go to the trouble to bring me something to drink when
dr040118 -- I'm outside. - - Very funny, honeybunch! Now put down that garden hose!
dr040119 -- Time to visit the college cafeteria and get together with my friends! - It's nice to have a place where you're accepted for what you are. A place where everybody knows your name! - 'afternoon, everybody! Nerd Table NORM!
dr040120 -- Nerd Table I almost got up the nerve to speak to Emily! - Dude! Who's almost the man?!! - SLAP! - Ow! Ow! Pathetic, aren't we?
dr040121 -- Hello? Is this the 99c store? - How much do you charge for pocket protectors? - OK, thanks. - 99c. I'll bet it's cheaper at the dollar store!
dr040122 -- Hey, are you using this chair? - THIS chair that I'm SITTING on right now? Uh...no, I guess I'm not using it. - Have a nice day! Leonard may be overqualified to sit at the nerd table!
dr040123 -- Here's to the nerds: Norman, Leonard and Stu! - - SNORF - QUIT TRYING TO MAKE MILK COME OUT OF MY NOSE!!
dr040124 -- It's important for us nerds to stick together. - Individually, we're nothing, but together... - - We're still nothing. I didn't want to say it!
dr040125 -- Thank you! Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to the show! - Our guest tonight are Barry Manilow...the Crocodile Hunter... - And that actress who's been in lots of movies, but whose name I can't remember! - But first, say hello
dr040125 -- to our bandleader, Wendy Fleetwood! - We'll be right back after these messages! - And now I'd like to do a little dance! Ya-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta... Are you going to order something or not? Sorry. He's a few sesame seeds short of a whopper!
dr040126 -- I'm off my book club, Ralph! You're in charge of the kids! - Remember, no junk food, and they all have to be in bed by nine-thirty! - They may not watch wrestling with you, and don't you dare allow them to play video games, OK? 'bye! - Even
dr040126 -- when I'm in charge, I'm not in charge!
dr040127 -- drum drum drum drum - drum drum drum drum drum drum drum drum drum - Could you make any MORE noise? - Sure! bumpity bumpity bumpity bump bump thump thump bump thump bump Sarcasm is wasted on Norman.
dr040128 -- Don't be so pig-headed, Ralph! - You need to consider opposing viewpoints! - I DO consider opposing viewpoints! - I consider them stupid!
dr040129 -- Did you write your name on your new soccer ball, Patrick? no. - Why? Because that's what everyone else does! - I'll always be able to identify my ball because it's the only one without a name on it! - Makes perfect sense to it! I'll go put my
dr040129 -- name on it.
dr040130 -- Hey, get your fet off the new sofa! - NEW?? This sofa is nine years old!! Anything made after 1970 is new to dad! ...and YOU keep your hands off my new 8-track tape player!
dr040131 -- OK, honeybunch, sorry again about that! - I'll take care of it right away, without fail! Say no more! - don't worry! I'll get on it immediately! I promise! - how come whenever your mom bellyaches, it's always MY belly that ends up aching?
dr040201 -- Here's the church, here's the steeple. Open the door... - See all the people! Wow!- Daddy, daddy! Watch this! - Here's the church, here's the steeple, open the door... - - Hey, what happened to everybody?! It's Super Bowl Sunday!
dr040202 -- - This is your traffic reporter up in the jet-copter. We have a major problem on your afternoon commute!
dr040203 -- - Whew! It took an entire month, but I finally got all of our Christmas decorations packed-up and put away! - - The thanks I get for being helpful!
dr040204 -- What's that?? - Dad's nose is whistling! That's odd. - Why? His nose whistles all the time! Yes, but it usually whistles in c-sharp. - Today, it's whistling in e-flat! Maybe his nose needs to be tuned!
dr040205 -- scrape scrape scrape scrape scrape  scrape scrape scrape scrape  scrape scrape scrape - I take it you don't care for sesame seeds.
dr040206 -- Let's see...ah, here it is... - "If he exhibits embarrassing behavior in public... - ...tap him on the shoulder and say 'Stop it' in a firm voice." . - STOP IT! Dummies For Dummies
dr040207 -- push push push push - press push push push press push press press push - push push There we go! - I finally figured out how to operate the DVD player: push every button until something happens!
dr040208 -- Dad, I need some fatherly advice. OK! - Wait here while I put on my "fatherly advice" outfit! - Why does dad always have to change his clothes before he gives fatherly advice? - Because he grew up watching old TV sitcom. - Those wise old TV
dr040208 -- dads always dispensed advice while wearing a necktie and one of those sweaters with patches on the elbows! - It helps your dad get into the "fatherly advice"  mode if he tries to look the part! - I guess I don't mind the sweater and
dr040208 -- necktie... - But does he have to make himself black and white?? Now, what seems to be the problem, beaver?
dr040209 -- Oogie, you're such a pretty wittle kitty-kitty! - Honeybunch, please don't speak baby talk to your cat! - It's not dignified! - Isn't that wight, my whacky Wally weenie doggie?
dr040210 -- Penny, it's a pretty day! Why aren't you playing outside? - I'm afraid of being attacked by a coyote! - That's ridiculous! You stand a better chance of being struck by lightening! - Penny, come out from under there!
dr040211 -- For Sale 555 12 98 - That was a really expensive car! How do you know? - It costs $5,551,298! - It must have a CD player! That was the PHONE NUMBER!!
dr040212 -- - - Nerd Table Not to brag, but I came very, very close to actually giving someone a valentine! You're braver than we are!
dr040213 -- OK, watch this part! It's crucial to the outcome! - There! Did you see it? Don't forget it! - OK, now watch this part! This is really funny! Watch! - HA HA HA snort! Don't ever again invite me to a movie you've already seen!
dr040214 -- What a great way to spend valentine's day... - A romantic dinner, romantic music and a romantic companion! - Two of three isn't bad! If you're hanging around here because you think I'm gonna give you a tip, forget it!
dr040215 -- Mmm-BOY! Do I love ice cream!! - Dad, I have some bad news. What is it, son? - I used your new putter to unclog the garbage disposal, and it got slightly damaged. Oh, well...accidents happen! - Dad, I'm sorry to tell you this, but I broke our
dr040215 -- neighbor's windshield. No big deal! - Ralph, I don't know how it happened, but I lost a hundred dollars! Easy come, easy go! - Daddy, I stepped on the TV clickers! Oopsie! - The key to breaking bad news to your father is to do it when he's
dr040215 -- eating ice cream! I also dented the car. C'est la vie!
dr040216 -- You know, Norman may not have a lot of personality... - He may not have much charisma...he may not have a lot of presence... - But I sure miss him when he's not here! Sniff! - I'm here, dad! You are?? Oh, yeah, huh!
dr040217 -- Norman, wipe the sleep out of your eyes! - squeaky squeaky - Much better! - It's cute when Norman has sleep in his eyes! AT 4:30 IN THE AFTERNOON??
dr040218 -- blah blah blah ...Sigh... - blah blah blah Another long, boring story. - blah blah blah Ror row row your boat... - Gently down the stream. Fortunately, Norman is easily distracted!
dr040219 -- Honeybunch! Come quick! - There's some old guy in the bathroom! ? - I can't argue with that! I'm telling you, dad, that's what you look like! What have you done with me?!
dr040220 -- scribble scribble scribble - What are you doing? I've started keeping a daily log. - Each night, I write down every embarrassing thing that happened to me that day. - You must have had a bad day. You've already filled up two pages! I'm not
dr040220 -- even up to lunch!
dr040221 -- Hey! How are you doing! Do I know you? - I wasn't talking to you! You just asked how I was doing! - No, I was talking to YOU! I wasn't talking to YOU! - You're nuts! Hello? Hello?
dr040222 -- Chocolate chip! My favorite! THUNK - Ralph, why did you take all the ice cream? - Didn't it occur to you that someone else might like to have some? - Honeybunch, need I remind you that I am the king of this castle? - Apparently, you've lost
dr040222 -- sight of that! - The only thing I've lost sight of is your belt! I married a comedian!
dr040223 -- Hmm... - Do these look like split ends? Yes. - SWEET! Dad likes split ends because they make it look like he has twice as much hair!
dr040224 -- - Caught her! How do you suppose Oogie knows when she's going to the vet?
dr040225 -- I finally caught you, Oogie! The hard part is over! - Now all I have to do is put you in the kitty carrier! - - Let go off the carpet!
dr040226 -- Hey, you miserable cat! I see they finally got you into the kitty carrier! - You know what that means! You're going to the vet! Hee hee! - SHRED - I hope he trims your nails!
dr040227 -- Well? How did it go at the vet? Mom, I need to prepare you for something... - Oogie isn't exactly the same cat anymore. What? - The vet told me that Oogie needed to be groomed, so I said OK... - It's called a "lion cut"!
dr040228 -- Oogie, believe me...you look much better after being groomed! - It's called a "lion cut." It doesn't make you look silly at all! - It actually makes you look quite dignified! - Right, guys? At times like this, I wish I had a lip to bite! One
dr040228 -- crack from the wiener dog, and I'm outta here!
dr040229 -- - press press - push push press press push push - WHACK! - FOOMP - - push push press press press - press press push push push push push press - WHAP! -
dr040301 -- Hey, Norm, let's hop in the car and go get a burger! OK! - You know, I have a distinct feeling that I'm forgetting something. - It's something really important, too. - Your pants, maybe? Naw, I don't need pants, we'll just use the drive-thru!
dr040302 -- scratch scratch hmmm... - Holy cow! My 25th anniversary is this Friday! - I'm sure glad I remembered! I wonder what reminded him of that? - Our 25th Anniversary is Friday in case you forgot!
dr040303 -- I need to buy your mom a gift for our 25th anniversary. - Maybe I'll buy her some expensive jewelry. - YIKES! - I never realized expensive jewelry cost so much!
dr040304 -- It's hard to believe we've been married for 25 years! - I must say, honeybunch, for a woman your age, you don't look half...I mean...you look even less than half bad! - You only look about one-fourth bad! I mean... - Let me go out and come
dr040304 -- back in again! Better yet, go out and stay out!
dr040305 -- Honeybunch, it's our anniversary, and I'd like to say a few words straight from the heart. - The day I married you was the luckiest day of my life. - You grow more beautiful...uhh.. - Each and every day!
dr040306 -- Happy anniversary, honeybunch! - It's hard to believe we've been together for 25 years! - We've seen a lot of things come and go! - ...and a few things come and stay! Anyone want to read me a story?
dr040307 --  - - - - - No more hook shots! Sorry!
dr040308 -- Z - Something tells me there will never be a Ralph Drabble action figure.
dr040309 -- munch munch munch  munch munch - Wally could live off dad's crumbs! - The American Kennel Club could live off your dad's crumbs!
dr040310 -- Norm, step into my study. - I feel like dispensing a little fatherly advice! - Here, you might want to take notes! I wish he had a real study!
dr040311 -- Honeybunch, where is the camera film. In the refrigerator. - Why do you keep film in the refrigerator?? It stays fresher! - That's ridiculous! Who would ever think to look for camera film in the refrigerator?? - Dad, where do you keep the the
dr040311 -- hammer? In the medicine cabinet.
dr040312 -- Caution Wet Floor - Look out! Here's another one! Caution Don't Trip Over Sign
dr040313 -- "I'll be brief..." "Studies prove..." - "I'm glad you asked that question" - What's going on? - Dad's telling me his favorite expressions that are never true. "This will only hurt a little"
dr040314 -- You love coming here to the all-you-can-eat buffet, don't you, Ralph? You say it, honeybunch! - I can go back for more pizza and chili and ice cream as many times as I want! - This place was MADE for me! I don't know how they stay in
dr040314 -- business, considering all I eat! - CLOSED??!! How can it be closed?? It's dinner time!! - It IS closed! There's nobody in there! Darn! - - Thank you for your cooperation! You may return to your seats! That concludes today's "Ralph Alert"!
dr040315 -- Bills, bills, and more bills! - - This is one of the rare occasions when I'm glad my husband perspires a lot!
dr040316 -- Uh-ho...the expiration date on this mayonnaise is February of '03! - Maybe that means February of 2013? Yeah! Let's go wit that!
dr040317 -- Is it true you were on the track team in high school, dad? It sure is! - What was your event? Hurdle. - You mean, HURDLES? No, just hurdle. - I only cleared one of 'em!
dr040318 -- Oh, no! Please tell me it isn't so! - Please tell me this is just a horrible dream! - Please tell me my donut shop employees aren't on strike!
dr040319 -- Ralph, you are the single most important man to the local donut economy! We're counting on you to support the strike! - Without your business, we'll bring management to its knees in no time! - RALPH RALPH RALPH I don't want to be a hero, I
dr040319 -- just want a donut!
dr040320 -- OK, thanks for the update. 'bye. - Bad news...the donut shop employees are still on strike!! - What am I going to do without my morning donut each day?? - Lower your cholesterol? Yipes! This strike is dragging into its third hour!
dr040321 -- Halt! May I see your receipt, please? What for? - I am the Bulk Club exit sentinel. I compare the items in your cart with the items on your receipt to make sure it's all paid for! - OK, let's see...what do we have here...? - ATHLETE'S FOOT
dr040321 -- SPRAY...ANTI-GAS PILLS... - HAIR DYE FOR MEN... - I DON'T SEE HAIR DYE FOR MEN ON THIS RECEIPT! WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO PULL HERE??? - It's right there! Oh, yeah, huh. So it is! OK! - Thank you for shopping at Bulk Club! Are there any other
dr040321 -- exits?
dr040322 -- It's 7:15. This is when I usually go to the doughnut shop... - But I can't because the doughnut employees are still on strike! - When will it ever end?? - I'm telling you, honeybunch, this doughnut strike is having an effect on me! It shows!
dr040323 -- Any news on the doughnut strike, dad? There's no end in sight. Both sides are still far apart! - They need a mediator. Someone who is wise and fair. - * - Why did you put on your "fatherly advice" outfit? I've got a strike to settle, son!
dr040324 -- Right this way, gentlemen... - Step into my office and we'll have this strike settled in no time! - SHRIEK! - Your wife is in the tub, Ralph! Sorry, honeybunch! One of these days, you need to get a real office!
dr040325 -- knock knock knock Dad! I have to use the bathroom! - How much longer until you have the doughnut strike settled? - No, YOU are! No, YOU are! No, YOU are! No, YOU are! Better go down to the gas station, son!
dr040326 -- Ralph! Why are you mediating a labor dispute in our bathroom?! knock knock - It's the closest thing I have to an office! - Besides, maybe cramped quarters will help bring both sides together! - CRACK!! Ow!! Hey, quit snapping towels!
dr040327 -- Dad, are you guys done yet? We need to brush our teeth! knock knock  - One more minute! We're about to resolve the doughnut strike once and for all! - Call it! Heads! No, *I* want heads!
dr040328 -- Darn! - I need a sharper knife! What are you doing, honeybunch? - I'm slicing brownies! Sweet! - Can I have some? - You can have one piece! - I picked the biggest! Hope you don't mind!
dr040329 -- Here's the glue. Thanks, dad. - Norm, what exactly made you think it would be a good idea to put dishes in the washing machine? - I wish I knew. - Sometimes my brain has a mind of its own!
dr040330 -- I feel lousy! I've been coughing and sneezing all day! - I must be coming down with something! I probably caught it from you! - I'm losing my voice! - I wish she'd hurry up!
dr040331 -- Norman, your shoelace is untied. Yeah, right! - I'm not falling for jokes like that! I know today is April fool's day! - Actually, today is March 31st. Uh-oh... - Does that mean my barn door has really been open all day?
dr040401 -- ? - That's odd. There was no one at the door! - Oh, well. As I was saying, I heard a funny joke... - "Knock knock..." There it is again!
dr040402 -- * - - What. - I miss the good ol' days before caller i.d.
dr040403 -- Top o' the morning, Steinbauer! - What's with you? Nothing. I'm just happy! - - Be happy. It drives your enemies crazy!
dr040404 -- Modern technology is amazing. - Whenever something is wrong with the car, a warning sign flashes on the dashboard. - For example, if one of our lights is burned out, a picture of a light bulb flashes. - If we're low on oil, it flashes a
dr040404 -- picture of an oil can. - When it flashes the words "service engine soon", it means we're due for a tune-up. - So, what does THAT sign mean? - I don't know, but something tells me it isn't good!
dr040405 -- I'm home! - Now, THIS is how I should always be greeted! - I think everyone should act this way when I return home! - I act that way when he LEAVES home!
dr040406 -- AAAAAAHH!! What's wrong?? - I just had a strange sensation on the left side of my body!! - THERE IT IS AGAIN!! - CALL 911! Norman, your cell phone is on "vibrate"!
dr040407 -- ...one empty boy of cookies, one empty bag of chips... - An empty bottle of soda, an empty box of crackers, an empty can of aerosol cheese... - 3 candy wrappers and a banana peel. Your total is $24.72 - It's much easier to carry out the
dr040407 -- groceries when you eat it all in the store!
dr040408 -- - These little book lights give off a lot of light, don't they? Where do we keep the sun screen?
dr040409 -- ...an empty bag of pork rinds, an empty bottle of grape juice... - an empty box of ice cream bars and an apple core. Your total is $17.86. - Sir, would you like help carrying your groceries to the car? Sure! - Hic!
dr040410 -- - - Dad, why are you eating pretzels immediately after drinking a weight-loss shake? munch munch munch - Because in a few seconds, I won't be hungry any more! oh, yeah, huh!
dr040411 -- Happy anniversary, Wendy! Huh? - Today is the anniversary of the first time I ever set eyes upon you. - We stepped into an elevator together and I said, "going up?" - And you said, "we're on the ground floor, Einstein. Where else would we
dr040411 -- go?" - And I said, "You must have me confused with someone else. My name is Norman." - Then I sneezed on the back of your head! - That day changed my life forever! Mine too. - Now I always take the stairs.
dr040412 -- Ralph, will you help me with the groceries? - - - Whew! So, what's for dinner? I was thinking of ordering a pizza!
dr040413 -- Why does my teacher give me so much homework?! - Tonight I have to study vocabulary, grammar, reading, spelling, and phonics! - I'm going to be up all night! Too bad. I'm going to bed. - By the time I get to phonics, she'll be raisin'.
dr040414 -- Dad! I've got a date tonight! - Who's the lucky girl? Beats me. It's a blind date! - Who set you up? Wendy. - WENDY SET YOU UP ON A BLIND DATE?? And I thought she didn't like me!
dr040415 -- Dad, since I have a blind date tonight, can I borrow some of your "smell good" stuff? - Sure, son. Would you prefer cologne or after shave? - Better make it cologne. - I'm due for a shave for another three weeks!
dr040416 -- How come you have so much cologne, dad? - Everyone gives it to me for Christmas, birthdays and father's day! - I've never used up an entire bottle of cologne in my life! - Hey, this stuff's pretty good. I used it for my senior prom and for my
dr040416 -- 40th birthday party!
dr040417 -- Norm, if you want to impress your blind date, I recommend this cologne. - Trust me. It'll drive her wild. - Thanks for the advice, dad. - You're like a father figure to me! I do what I can!
dr040418 -- Dad's home! His car just pulled up! - It's about time! He's been at the gym all day! The GYM?? - He joined one of those fitness gyms with all the exercise equipment. - Today was his first visit. Just hope he didn't overdo it! - Something
dr040418 -- tells me I'm going to be really sore tomorrow!
dr040419 -- So long, dad. I'm leaving for my blind date! OK, son! - Which one of my colognes did you choose to wear? - Actually, none of them... - I decided the best-smelling stuff you have is your roll-on deodorant.
dr040420 -- It's true what they say: blind dates can be very awkward. - I'm finding it very difficult to carry on a conversation with this girl, but I must keep trying. - So, Ina...I understand you're the drive-thru clerk at Galtburger! That will be
dr040420 -- $8.49 at the second window, please!
dr040421 -- So, do you enjoy working in the drive-thru window, Ina? - Actually, with this remote handset, I don't have to stay in the window! - I can be virtually anyplace, and still...whoops, excuse me... - Welcome to Galtburger. May I take your order,
dr040421 -- please? I take it this isn't your day off!
dr040422 -- Mom! Dad! What are YOU doing here?? - We were so excited about your blind date, we just couldn't stay away! - Yeah, this is really a big event, son! We want to always remember it! - Give her a kiss or something! DAD!
dr040423 -- Ina works at the drive-thru window of Galtburger! Hey, I know you! - You come to the drive-thru every night at 5:30 and order a cheeseburger! - You stop for a cheeseburger every night before dinner?? Not EVERY night, honeybunch... - Only the
dr040423 -- nights you cook! Welcome to Galtburger! Would you like to try our new spicy chicken sandwich?
dr040424 -- Welcome to Galtburger. Would you care to try our new low-carb chili dog? - ...OK, so that's one cheeseburger, one large fry, and a vanilla shake. Will that be all? - Your total is $4.79 at the second window, please. Maybe the movies wasn't
dr040424 -- the best place to bring Inga the drive-thru girl! Will you tell her to shut up?
dr040425 -- How Men Pick Out Anniversary Cards scratch scratch scratch Hey, here's a good one! It has flowers on it! If you were my wife, would you like this one? This card is pretty and has lots of words! The first guy to pick a winner, let me know!
dr040425 -- This one must be good, dad. There's only one left!
dr040426 -- Wow! Look at this! "American Idol" is having auditions in our town for next season! - Gee...I wonder if I... - Nwa. What could be more ridiculous than ME auditioning for "American Idol"? - How do I look?
dr040427 -- Dad, you can't audition for "American Idol"! You're too old! - Nonsense! You're never too old when you have talent! - Besides, I know how to appear more youthful! - What do you think? Apparently the 99c store sells hairpieces!
dr040428 -- Are you really going to audition for "American Idol", Ralph? - Absolutely! I've got LOADS of talent! - I'm Ruben and Clay rolled into one! - No argument there! Dang! There goes another button! ping!
dr040429 -- Look! Dad's on TV auditioning for "American Idol"!! - Aren't you a bit old? Old?? Why, I'm just a kid!! - You can tall by my thick head of hair and my high school sweater! - You should be auditioning to host "60 Minutes"! Look! I even have a
dr040429 -- yo-yo! How young can you get??
dr040430 -- My name is Ralph Drabble, and let's get one thing straight: I refuse to kiss-up to anybody! - I will be the next "American Idol", and I believe it with every fiber of my being! - That's a lot of fiber! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
dr040430 -- HA HA - Simon, may I sincerely say that you have the finest sense of humor in the United States!
dr040501 -- Tell us about yourself, Ralph. - I prefer to let my music do the talking...er, I mean, SINGING! - I prefer to let my singing do the TALKING! No, that's not right, either... - I prefer to let my TALKING do the SINGING! I mean... NEXT!
dr040502 -- Patrick's TANNING SALON $1.00 each 1/2 hour Sorry. Your time is up. Darn! I wish I had another buck!
dr040503 -- I'm Ralph Drabble, And I intend to become the next "American Idol". - I have decided to perform a well-known popular standard. - I'd like to dedicate this song to you, Paula... - Row row row your boat...
dr040504 -- ...gently down the stream... - Merrily merrily merrily merrily... - Life is but a... Dad needs to pick up the tempo. - Oops! Now he needs to pick up the hairpiece!
dr040505 -- ...life is but a dream. - Dude, you stink! Thanks, Dawkg! I'll take that as a compliment! - Ralph, you're the first person I've ever heard forget the words for "Row row row your boat." Thanks, Paula! There's more where that came from! - We
dr040505 -- probably shouldn't have recorded this, huh? Hopefully, we'll run out of tape before we hear from Simon!
dr040506 -- Ralph, that was ghastly. - You are without a doubt, the worst singer in North America! - Now, hold it right there, Simon! That's simply not true! - There's a guy who works at a mini-mart in Barstow...
dr040507 -- Good bye, Ralph. NEXT! - Now, wait a minute! I didn't get a fair shake!! - I sound a lot better in the shower! I'll prove it! - Ralph! Put your clothes back on!! 99 bottles of beer on the wall...
dr040508 -- ...48 bottles of beer on the wall.. The answer is NO, Ralph. Good bye! - You can't say no yet! I've still got 47 bottles to go!! GUARDS! - But I wanna be the "American Idol"!! I wanna be a star!! - I WANNA MEET RYAN SEACREST!!
dr040509 -- Thank you for my mother's day cards! - What do you do with all the cards we've made for you over the years, mommy? - I put them all in boxes for safekeeping! - Along with every picture you've ever drawn, and every story you've ever written! -
dr040509 -- Not to mention all of your school work, report cards, arts and crafts and every article of clothing you've ever worn! - How about our baby teeth? Do you keep those in boxes, too? Don't be ridiculous! - I keep those in my jewelry drawer! I've
dr040509 -- said it before and I'll say it again: Your mom puts the "mental" in "sentimental"
dr040510 -- Darn! We came all the way to the beach and it's overcast! - It's cold! I'll never get a tan! - It's actually much sunnier on the other side of dad! Oh, yeah, huh!
dr040511 -- Fast forward... - Stop! Stop! Stop! - Darn! I went too far! Now I have to rewind! - Stop! Stop! Stop! Speeding up through the commercials rarely saves any time.
dr040512 -- ARE TOO! AM NOT! - **!!***! - * - Why are you opening the window? I'm trying to let some of the noise out!
dr040513 -- - - See that? Whoa! - If you stare at dad for a while, you can actually see him grow out of shape!
dr040514 -- Ralph, what is Mr. Steinbauer's number? - What do I look like, a phone book? - - Actually he kind of does! Especially when he wears yellow!
dr040515 -- - - - - I'd take my vitamins more often if they didn't make the tablets so big! This from a man who eats twinkles in one bite!
dr040516 -- gnaw gnaw gnaw - Mom, Wally is chewing up a shoe! Again?? - All right, it's time to get tough. Apparently there's only one way to get my message across. - I'll have to use the rolled-up newspaper! - BOP! - How many times have I told you not
dr040516 -- to let Wally chew up the shoes?!
dr040517 -- Thank you again, sir. I am deeply honored! Goodbye! What's up, dad? - I have been asked to deliver this year's graduation address at the mall cop academy! - *sniff* this is the proudest moment of my life! - The mall cop academy?? Dang! I
dr040517 -- forgot to ask if they were going to pay me anything!
dr040518 -- Dad, why do they want YOU to give the graduation speech at the mall cop academy? - Because I'm a legend in the business! Because I am highly regarded! - Because I am widely admired! - And because their first choice backed out! Was anyone
dr040518 -- talking to you?!
dr040519 -- Esteemed colleagues, distinguished guests, and fellow mall cops... tik tik tikka tikka tik tik - We are here today to honor the graduating class of 2004. - But first, allow me to relate a humorous anectode... Slow down, dad! You're talking too
dr040519 -- fast! - How do you spell "esteemed"? *sigh* Maybe I should ask Patrick to type my speech!
dr040520 -- ...once again, congratulations and good luck! - My speech is supposed to last ten minutes. How long was that? - About 45 seconds. - Perfect! I need to allow time for several standing ovations!
dr040521 -- Is that what you're going to wear to give your graduation address to the mall cop academy? Yes, Norm. - It's customary for the graduation speaker to wear a cap and gown! - How do I look? - Like a big bottle of India ink!
dr040522 -- I really admire you for agreeing to give the graduation speech at the mall cap academy, dad! - Giving a speech infront of thousands of people would make me freeze up! - I'd be petrified! I'd get the hiccups or lose my place! I'd be paralyzed
dr040522 -- with fear! - Oh, well, have fun! Did I say THOUSANDS of people?
dr040523 -- Oops, hold on, Kathy. I have another call coming in... - boop! - Hello? Oh, hi, Denise! - *** Hold on, Denise. My cell phone is ringing! - Hello? Oh, hi, Kristine! I was just talking to Kathy and Denise... - Hold on, I have another call
dr040523 -- coming in on my cell phone! - Push the button, Ralph! boop! - Hello? Oh, hi, Carrie! First came "call waiting". Now my wife has perfected "call juggling"!
dr040524 -- Mall Cop Academy 2004 Graduation Ceremony Our graduation address will be given by Ralph Drabble. - I'm sure you will find officer Drabble's remarks enlightening and his jokes hilarious! - Officer Drabble! - We've had a slight change in the
dr040524 -- program. Instead of ten minutes, we need you to talk for an hour!
dr040525 -- Fellow mall cops, I am fortunate to have worked my way up the law enforcement ladder. - My life has been a Cinderella story, and it's not just because I have a couple of ugly sisters! - - Is this microphone on?
dr040526 -- The crowd is fidgeting and I'm sweating like a pig. I HATE public speaking! Yawn! - What could be worse than having to give a graduation address? - - ...having to give a graduation address after your notes have blown away!
dr040527 -- Man, it's HOT out there! - If nobody minds, I think I'll take off this stupid gown! - Gee, I wish I hadn't done that. - Apparently, I forgot to put on pants!
dr040528 -- So. how was your graduation address to the mall cop academy? - Nobody laughed at my jokes, the wind blew my speech away, and I forgot to wear pants. - - Aside from that, did it go OK? He also hyperventilated!
dr040529 -- AAARRRRGH! - * * * hobble hobble - Huff! Puff! Looks like you've hit middle age, dad! - *I* didn't hit middle age, middle age hit *ME*!
dr040530 -- Daddy, can I have a yogurt? Sure, Penny! - Can I have two flavors? Of course! - Can I have a large instead of a small! If you want! - Can I have sprinkles on top? Fine with me! - Can I have sprinkles AND chocolate chips? I suppose. - Can I
dr040530 -- have TWO large yogurts? No. - - WAAAAAHH!
dr040531 -- - This is what you'd look behind bars. - And this what you'd look like during an eclipse. - That's what you'd look like with a hot fudge sundae on your head!
dr040601 -- Sometimes I worry that you don't like me. - Allow me to put your mind at rest. - Sleep! - Z
dr040602 -- My diet is working, honeybunch! - I've lost two inches of my waist! Really? Let me see! - Can I have some *puff* ice cream now?
dr040603 -- Dang! I can't find my remote! - Wait...I feel something under the cushion! - Sweet! Find-it? - No, but I found an easter egg!
dr040604 -- Before the doctor sees you, Mr. Drabble, you'll need to answer a few questions... - Have you had any recent depression? No. - Any dizziness? No. Any insomnia? No. - Have you experienced any irritability? Just my wife's.
dr040605 -- Norman, I told you to turn the TV OFF! I am, mom! flip flip flip - But you can't just turn it off, you have to turn it off on a GOOD CHANNEL! - For example, you should never turn it off on the surgery channel because the next time you turn on
dr040605 -- the TV, who knows WHAT you may see! - I wish you put this much thought into your homework! The golf channel! That's a good one to turn it off on!
dr040606 -- I'm home! - Hello, Wally! skattle skattle skattle - Now, this is how I like to be greeted when I come home from work! - With joy and excitement! My family can learn a lot from you, Wally! - All of you should greet me with such enthusiasm! -
dr040606 -- OK, maybe not!
dr040607 -- ...my cholesterol, my blood pressure... - My weight and my stress level. - - Never ask dad "what's up?" Oh, yeah...and my financial debt!
dr040608 -- What's for dinner? Chicken casserole. - - What's for dinner tomorrow? Pizza. - YES! ...assuming you live that long!
dr040609 -- Sweet! The pool is filled! - COWABUNGA!! - Whenever I go in the pool with dad, I never get wet!
dr040610 -- I know you're busy, Norman, but somebody needs to take him outside for a walk! Z - He's been inside the house all day. He needs exercise! OK. - Come on, dad. Let's go for a walk! Z
dr040611 -- Here's your ice cream, Ralph. - Very funny, honeybunch. Well, you always complain about brain freezes. - I thought it would help if you didn't eat so fast! - She installed speed bumps on my ice cream spoon!
dr040612 -- ACHOO! Bless you. - ACHOO! Bless you. - ACHOO! Bless you. - ACHOO! You're on your own.
dr040613 -- bop! - - bop! - BAM! Nice spike. Thanks!
dr040614 -- What are you watching? Seniors auto racing. - Seniors? Yeah, it's like the seniors tour in golf. - All the participants are over 50! - That probably explains why so many of them are driving with their blinkers on.
dr040615 -- Keep going! I see a good spot over there! This is heavy! Can somebody help me with this cooler?! - It would probably have been easier just to bring the sand and water to our house! Can we rest a while while we unload the rest of the car?
dr040616 -- - - -
dr040617 -- - LOOK OUT BELOW! - SPLOOSH! - Coast Guard Mr Drabble, the people of Japan are calling, asking you to stop doing cannonballs in the ocean!
dr040618 -- I'd like peanut butter fudge on the bottom, then some strawberry and some banana. - And then a little bit of raspberry, and a smidgen of butterscotch on the top - On second thought, make it all vanilla!
dr040619 -- RING! - SHE'S NOT HOME! - -
dr040620 -- So, what would you like to do today, dad? Well, here's what I've decided... - First, I'm going to eat a big bowl of ice cream! - Then, I'm going to watch a ball game on TV! - After that, I'll take a nap, and when I wake up, I'll have some
dr040620 -- more ice cream! - Then I'll relax until dinner. After that, I'll watch a little more TV, then I'll go to bed early! - How's THAT for a plan? - That's exactly what you do EVERY Sunday! Yeah, we were hoping you'd want to do something different
dr040620 -- for father's day! If it ain't broke, don't fix it!
dr040621 -- It's about 78°, partly cloudy, with winds light and variable! - Anyway, as I was saying, summers on my uncle Ned's farm were very boring... - What's the weather like outside NOW, Norman? - I'll go check again! Remember, take your time!
dr040622 -- I really stuck to my diet today, honeybunch. All I had was a salad! - All you had the entire day was a salad?? ...and a couple of Granola bars. - ...and a few cookies, and a chili dog...and a sack of chips. - This conversation is making me
dr040622 -- hungry!
dr040623 -- AH HA HA HA - HEE HEE HA HA HA! - HOO HOO HOO HAW HAW! - I take it that's a "no" to my "family camping trip" idea. - Yeah, but thanks for a good laugh!
dr040624 -- Ralph, at least do me the courtesy of CONSIDERING a family camping trip before saying no! - All right, honeybunch... - I'll think about it. No. - You only thought about it for half a second! That's three-tenths of a second longer than I
dr040624 -- needed!
dr040625 -- Ralph, why don't you want to take a family camping trip? - It would be an opportunity for bonding! - You know something, you're right. It WOULD lead to bonding... - Not to mention casts, slings and stitches!
dr040626 -- Ralph, what have you got against camping?? - Honeybunch, camping is just plain wrong. - For thousands of years, man has known that it is better to sleep Indoors than OUTdoors! - That's why we were called CAVEmen instead of OUTSIDEmen! Leave
dr040626 -- your relatives out of it!
dr040627 -- Uh-oh... - RALPH Don't eat all the brownies. Don't try to fix the sink-I'll call a plumber. Don't forget to put away your junk. Don't trim the trees. You always make them look worse! Don't tease the cat. Don't mess up the living room. H.B. -
dr040627 -- Most wives give their husbands a "honey-do" list. My wife gives me a "honey-don't" list!
dr040628 -- Ralph, you're being unreasonable! Honeybunch, for the last time, we are NOT going camping! - Absolutely no way, ho how! Read my lips: No camping trip! - And that's final! - How much longer until we get there, dad?
dr040629 -- Congratulate me, honeybunch! I remembered to pack the cheese and crackers! - Can you imagine how awful this camping trip would've been if I forgot the cheese and crackers? - Congratulations. strakk - Now go unpack the sleeping bags! The
dr040629 -- whats?
dr040630 -- Who can tell me why we hang our food from a tree? - We do it to keep the bears from getting into it and eating it all! - Yeah, them, too!
dr040701 -- - Uh-oh... - We're already out of insect repellent! - You're supposed to spray it on YOURSELF, not in the AIR!! Oh.
dr040702 -- The campground brochure that the ranger gave us is very helpful. - It tells you what to do if you encounter a mountain lion, a bear, a rattlesnake, a swarm of bees and quicksand! - It also has many interesting facts... - Did you know 12 dead
dr040702 -- bodies have been discovered here? I'm gonna sleep in the car, OK, dad?
dr040703 -- Once upon a time... AAAHHH!! - There was an old man... THAT'S ENOUGH! I CAN'T TAKE IT!! - OK, we won't tell ghost stories! How about if we just ell our favorite episodes of Winnie The Pooh?
dr040704 -- - BONK! - Sorry about that! CAUTION: HARD HAT AREA
dr040705 -- Look at all the stars, Penny! Wow! - Can you point to the big dipper? - I said the big dip-PER!
dr040706 -- I'm going to bed, Norm! You're on bear watch, tonight! - Bear watch?? If any bears get close to our tent, your job is to fight 'em off! - With wat??!! Oh, yeah...you'll need a weapon, won't you? - Nighty-night!
dr040707 -- Dad, what am I supposed to do if I see a bear?! - Just scare it away! How do I do that? - Act like you're really big! - How do I act like I'm really big?? Do I have to think of everything, Norm?
dr040708 -- Dad, maybe YOU should watch for bears tonight! - I need my rest, Norm. I'm tired from driving all day! - Just relax! The odds of encountering a bear at this campground re remote! - It's much more likely you'll encounter an escaped convict!
dr040709 -- Why do *I* have to stay up all night looking out for bears? - I don't even know what I'm supposed to do if... - Whoa! What's that?!! - Oh, no!! To be continued tomorrow! But don't get your hopes up, because it's really not that exciting!
dr040710 -- Sometimes it's coming toward us! - Now, what did dad say to do if I saw a bear? Oh, yeah...scare it away by acting big! - One sausage pizza? YO! Booga booga!
dr040711 -- ? - - - - Ralph, what's going on in here?? I can't find the TV remote! - It's right here in the drawer, where it belongs! - - WHY WOULD ANYONE EVER THINK TO LOOK IN THERE?
dr040712 -- No Bills Over $20 - *  - Sorry, Mr. Drabble. No Bills Over $20 I have to deliver them all! Dang.
dr040713 -- Ralph, our front lawn could use your attention! - Our front lawn?? What's wrong with our front lawn?! - Our front lawn looks like a GOLF COURSE! - Only because it's got 18 holes!
dr040714 -- Change Let's see... - How does this work? - "Insert Bills Face-Up" -
dr040715 -- Aw, what the heck... - One more doughnut won't hurt! - KABLOOIE! - Most people's belts wear out. Dad's belts explode!
dr040716 -- RING - HOWW-DEEE! - click! - that's one way to weed out the phone solicitors!
dr040717 -- I've been working on my goatee, honeybunch! - How does it look? - It's very becoming! - It's becoming very stupid looking!
dr040718 -- He's circling the tank! Get your camera ready! - Here he comes! - - What was that?? Sha-MOO! - We, here at "Drabble", wish to apologize for the stupidity of today's strip! What about yesterday's?
dr040719 -- bop bop bop bop bop bop - bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop - snatch! - POW!
dr040720 -- Whoa! - - If You Build It, I Will Come! They're considering building a new doughnut shop here!
dr040721 -- ...10_59 and 45 seconds... - 1:59 and 55 seconds...ELEVEN O'CLOCK!! - Lights out! click! - There are some days you just can't wait to see end!
dr040722 -- Say when! When. - Any time yo want! When! - I don't care! It's your drink! WHEN!! - See what happens when you're indecisive?!
dr040723 -- KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE BALL!! SWING LEVEL!! - QUICK BAT! STEP INTO IT! TRUST YOUR HANDS! - OK, I'm going to the field, now. I promised him I wouldn't yell at him during his game!
dr040724 -- YAY, PATRICK!! NICE HIT!! - I never realized your son was such a good base ball player, Ralph! - How did he get so good? I taught him everything I know! - SO THEN, HE DID JUST THE OPPOSITE!
dr040725 -- - - - - - - - That's the ticket! - Please can I play golf instead of going to your mother's? The answer is still no, but congratulations on one of your better faces!
dr040726 -- LOOK OUT BELOW!! - Help. Dad's stuck in the water slide again! I'll get the crowbar!
dr040727 -- Honeybunch, will you put sunscreen on my back? - RING! - Telephone! - Oops, sorry! I forgot to rub it in!
dr040728 -- Sweet! Oreo cookies! - ? - How come there's in any of these?! - Say what?
dr040729 -- Norm, if you want the beach babes to notice you, you've got to show off your athletic ability! - Let's throw the Frisbee around! - zip! -
dr040730 -- Ralph, I bought grape juice pouches for the kids! - Just remember, grape juice stains, and these juice pouches can be messy! - So, if they want one, make sure they drink it outside, in old clothing! - Daddy, can I have a grape juice pouch?
dr040730 -- No.
dr040731 -- Here you go, Mr. Drabble! - Hey, you've got a cup from BURGER QUEEN in your car! - You've been going to other drive-thrus! I was in another town! I was thirsty! - I have a whole different set of problems from most people!
dr040801 -- An armoire?? Where did THIS come from? - Why would she put something like THIS in here?? - There's no room in here for this big, bulky piece of furniture! - Besides, it's ugly! - What was she THINKING? We need this in here like a hole in the
dr040801 -- head! - How do you like our new armoire? I LOVE it!
dr040802 -- Boy, it's hot outside! - If I were me, I'd go jump in the pool! - - Oh, yeah, huh! It's thrilling to see a great mind at work!
dr040803 -- HERE I COME! OPEN THE FRONT DOOR! - - - It's impossible to get out of this house without getting covered with cat hair!
dr040804 -- Remember what you always said, dad... - "The worst day on the golf course is better than the best day at work"!
dr040805 -- Here they are...juice boxes! What flavor do you want, Norm? - Don't buy any, dad. Those are for kids! - Besides it's getting crowded in here!
dr040806 -- Hic! - Excuse me. If you insist... - I EXCUSE THEE! - I never realized I had so much power!
dr040807 -- - Hi - - ...or not!
dr040808 -- boop boop beep beep beep boop boop - - Movies! - "Spiderman 2" - - Bijou theater! - That voice-activated movie listings line is pretty convenient, isn't it? - Actually, that was Wendy. I'm terrible at asking for dates! boop!
dr040809 -- It seemed like an ordinary night... Let's go outside, Wally! - But for Ralph Drabble, the peace and calm of a summer evening would soon be shattered forever. - For events were about to unfold which would completely and forever alter the lives
dr040809 -- of each and every member of the fam... Hey, quit crowding me out of the picture! - Sorry. Stupid narration boxes!
dr040810 -- Ralph Drabble's peaceful evening is about to be interrupted... - Gasp! - The sign of the corn dog! That means officer Drabble is needed at the mall! - See? We narration boxes always know what's going to happen! I'M ON MY WAY!
dr040811 -- The sign of th corn dog! - The universal signal that officer Drabble is needed at the mall! - I must quickly change into my mall cop uniform, and...oh, crud! - Give me back my underwear. It was my last pair!
dr040812 -- The sin of the corn dog! I am needed at the mall! But dad, you got laid-off last year! - Obviously, a crisis has arisen that the younger mall copy are unable to deal with! - I'm be in summoned out of retirement! It's time once again to put on
dr040812 -- the uniform! - Unfortunately, I seem to have gained a little weight!
dr040813 -- Quick, Norm! To the mall-cop mobile! - At a secret location on the outskirts of town, a garage door opens... - And the mall cop mobile speeds to the rescue. sputter sputter - ...after a brief delay- Sorry, dad! I guess I forgot to fill it up!
dr040814 -- Responding to the signal, officer Drabble arrives at the mall. Huff! Puff! Ralph! Thank goodness you're here! - Once a mall cop, always a mall cop! How can I be of service? - When we laid you off last year, we forgot to take back your key to
dr040814 -- the lounge!
dr040815 -- - spin spin spin - - wobble wobble - - spin spin spin - - Did you remember to pick up Patrick from soccer practice? CRASH!
dr040816 -- Wendy, there's something I've been waiting to ask you... - I hope it's not too forward of me... - But I can't control myself any longer. - May I press down all the little buttons on your plastic drink lid?
dr040817 -- Ralph, don't put your glass on the table! It will leave a ring! - And don't put it on my new magazine! Use a coaster! - On second thought, those are new coasters! Don't use those! ...sigh... - Hey, you're getting the sidewalk wet! slurp slurp
dr040818 -- - - - - You know, if you press that button, the fan won't move back and forth anymore! Oh, now you tell me!
dr040819 -- I was a really cute baby, wasn't I? - Yes, but don't get carried away. - Your father was a cute baby, too! Urp!
dr040820 -- WOOSH WOOSH - WOOSH WOOSH WOOSH - - How's that? Better, but I still wish you'd let me turn on the air conditioner!
dr040821 -- Patrick, it's a beautiful summer day. - Why are you indoors watching TV? - Those who do not watch TV are no better off than those who cannot watch TV! - It was worth a try!
dr040822 -- Hmmm... - rip rip tear - - $379 TO DEWEY'S GOLF EMPORIUM? - Why do we owe $379 to Dewey's Golf Emporium?! - Uh...well, that's sort of your upcoming birthday present! - The least she could do is give me the bill AFTER I get the gift!
dr040823 -- Whoa! - I almost forgot to take off my watch! It isn't waterproof! - ? ? - I'm sure glad my swim trunks have pockets!
dr040824 -- skattle skattle skattle skattle - skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle - SPLASH! splish! SPLOOSH! SPLASH! - The wiener dog days of summer!
dr040825 -- - - I thought you could get an even tan by sunbathing on both sides! Most people only HAVE two sides!
dr040826 -- Go ahead, Patrick! Pitch one in here! - Just like Babe Ruth called his home run by pointing to the center field seats, I will now call MY shot! - - I pop a lot!
dr040827 -- - THUNK - When I said you could have pie and ice cream, I meant a SLICE of pie and SOME ice cream! You need to be more specific!
dr040828 -- On hot summer days, a duck will always seek out the best shade! - - Will you quit following me around?!
dr040829 -- Dad, I challenge you to a game of pingpong! - YOU are challenging ME to a game of pingpong? - That's right! You couldn't beat me with BOTH HANDS tied behind your back! - Oh, yeah? Just watch me! - Wow! Another ace! What went wrong here?
dr040830 -- - Now I'm going over there! - HEY! Oops, sorry! - Summer's not over! You're still on duty! Why can't you hold in your OWN stomach?!
dr040831 -- - - - Help! Dad's one guy who shouldn't try to jog on the beach!
dr040901 -- I'm Clue less - - "Clueless" is one word. - See what I mean??
dr040902 -- Watch, mom! Here he comes... - wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle - Dad can imitate a hippo! Doesn't he always?
dr040903 -- I like my new doctor... - He said I should always eat a well-balanced breakfast! - Sweet! I'm up to nine! Hand me another one! I can't imagine this is what he meant! Donuts
dr040904 -- Summer's about over! Time to deflate the pool! - Whoa! - Our pool needs a breath mint! Next year, have dad blow it up BEFORE he eats a pastrami sandwich!
dr040905 -- Dad, who would win a fight between Superman and Spiderman? - Superman. - How about Superman and Batman? - Superman. - Superman and the Incredible Hulk? - Superman. - Isn't there ANYONE who can win a fight with superman? - Not unless there's
dr040905 -- a Mrs. Superman!
dr040906 -- Hello, Labor Day telethon! Ralph Drabble, here! - You're pledging HOW much? Why, how generous! - HEY, JERRY! ADD ANOTHER FIFTY BUCKS TO THE TOTE BOARD! - Oh, sorry! I didn't realize you were still interviewing Wayne Newton!
dr040907 -- ...17...18...19...20! - Ready or not, here I come! - - Playing hide and seek with dad is never much of a challenge!
dr040908 -- If anyone needs me, I'll be in the garage. - Most people clean out the interior of their cars with a VACUUM!
dr040909 -- ...please continue to hold... - All of our customer service representatives are busy. - Your call is important to us... - Though, obviously not so important that we would actually consider hiring more customer service representatives!
dr040910 -- * * * - *click* Customer Service! How can I help you? - Uhhhhh... - Darn! I've been on "hold" so long, I forgot!
dr040911 -- Ralph, if you really want to save some money, stop buying yourself doughnuts every day! - We'd save hundreds of dollars a year! Don't be ridiculous, honeybunch! - We want to save money, but there's no need to do anything THAT drastic! - How
dr040911 -- if we all shave our heads to eliminate hairstyling costs?
dr040912 -- I just met our new neighbor. She's a bit different... - All she does is complain about things! - Sounds like you'll get along great! - Whoops! - gobble! eat! snarf! gulp! - burp! ' ! Not to complain, but you didn't eat the apostrophe and the
dr040912 -- exclamation mark!
dr040913 -- Ralph, we should go to Tahiti! - Do I look like I'm made out of money? - - If you were made out of money, we'd be BILLIONAIRES!
dr040914 -- Bath time, Wally! Oh, no! - RUN! - skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle - Nice try. I'm glad he finally caught me. I was getting tired! pant pant pant
dr040915 -- Time for a bath, Wally! - Bath?? Why do I need a bath?? - You smell like a dog! - What am I supposed to smell like, a bicycle?
dr040916 -- Which shampoo do you want, Wally? - "Kiwi Strawberry" or "Tropical Rainforest"? - Better make it "Tropical Rainforest". - Small animals never want to smell like food!
dr040917 -- How come women live longer than men? - Because men hold everything in. - Except, of course, their stomachs!
dr040918 -- Z Are you going to sleep all day? - It's officially afternoon! - I know it's Saturday, and you're a growing boy, but you need to get up! Z - Get up before it's time to go to bed again! zzz...
dr040919 -- No Jumping Or Diving cough cough gasp choke! - - SPLOOSH! - Are you OK, kid?? - Dude! There's no jumping or diving allowed! - I know, but I just... - I have to ask you to get out of the pool right now, dude! - No good dude goes unpunished!
dr040920 -- TVPG Are you Ralph Drabble? Maybe. - Good news, Mr. Drabble: you're going to Hollywood for an EXTENSIVE MAKEOVER! A Makeover?? - - What's WRONG with ME?? Apparently your eyesight!
dr040921 -- Mr, Drabble, it is now time to meet your makeover team... - A plastic surgeon, a body sculptor, a hair stylist, a fashion consultant and a general contractor! - A general contractor? Making you over is going to be a big job!
dr040922 -- Ralph Drabble Gets An EXTREME MAKEOVER! Hello! I'm the plastic surgeon! *urp* - Tell me what kind of face you'd like! - One like yours would be nice...only make it a little less obvious! - Care for a sticky bun? Don't mind if I do!
dr040923 -- Ralph Gets An Extensive Makeover-Day 4 Hey! What are you doing?! - I'm going to draw lines where the incisions will be! - A lift here, a tuck there...we'll pull this back, we'll push this out... - I feel like a road atlas! Dang! I ran out of
dr040923 -- ink!
dr040924 -- Ralph Gets An Extensive Makeover-Day 5 I'm Brad! I'll be your fashion guru! - Just look at you! Sweat pants and a floral shirt! - Everything about you screams "I'm a slob! I'm a slob!" - Aw, don't be so hard on yourself, Brad! Here, have some
dr040924 -- cookie dough! Yum!
dr040925 -- Ralph Is Selected For An Extensive Makeover I'm Biff, your fitness trainer. - You have a high percentage of body fat! Thank you. - Look at how much fat I can grab! Disgusting, isn't it? Yeah! - So don't do that, OK? Hey, barbecue potato
dr040925 -- chips! Can I have some?
dr040926 -- Ralph! Uh-oh... - I know this guy from somewhere, but I can't remember where! - How do I know this man? A. Neighbor B. Church C. Work D. Relative - So, how the **!!* are you? A. Neighbor *POOF* C. Work D. Relative - Long time, no see! A.
dr040926 -- Neighbor *POOF* D. Relative - Do you still live across town? *POOF* D. Relative - How are June and the kids? D. Relative - UNCLE FRANK!
dr040927 -- It is day 8 of Ralph Drabble's extreme makeover! - As part of his exercise program, Ralph is now jogging instead of driving a car! - May I take your order, please? Two cheeseburgers and a chocolate shake!
dr040928 -- Last week on "Extensive Makeover!, Ralph Drabble met his makeover team! - It's now day 9! Let's look at the amazing transformation that has taken place... - Pass the pork rinds! Hey, where's the remote? Shall we call for another pizza? These
dr040928 -- sweat pants are comfy!
dr040929 -- Remember the old saying: "There is no *I* in TEAM"! - No, but there's a "me". - And a "met" and a "tam". - And "meat" and "tame". "eat" and "ate". - How come I always get the "gifted" kids? "Tea". "Mat". "Mate".
dr040930 -- Quit complaining! - When I was a little kid, I had to walk to school through snow and sleet! - Yeah, but I'll bet you didn't have a fifty-pound back pack! Good point.
dr041001 -- HELP! - I'VE FALLEN AND I CAN'T GET UP! -
dr041002 -- Well, I don't know what you've been complaining about... - According to our scale, your backpack only weighs three pounds! - I could've sworn it was heavier than that! Keep in mind our scale also says that dad weighs 185!
dr041003 -- SWISH - SWISH - swoosh - SWOOSH! - SWISH - SWISH! - SPLAT KLUNK
dr041004 -- - Ralph, you didn't need three sheets to wipe that up! - Two would've been plenty! Stop being so wasteful! - Some husbands gamble, some husbands carouse...I get in trouble for using too many paper towels!
dr041005 -- Poor kid. - I know it's hard carrying all those heavy books on your back... - One day, it will all pay off! - When I grow up, I'll be able to get a job as a pack mule at the Grand Canyon!
dr041006 -- I'm off to school! - It's a shame that you have to lug that heavy backpack to and from school every day! - You could drive me! - I could, but it's all uphill, and our car only has a V-six engine!
dr041007 -- The principal saw my backpack and said it was too much weight for a child to be carrying on his back. - Good for him! It's about time somebody addressed the problem! - Did he take away some of your books? - No, he gave me another back pack!
dr041008 -- Ralph! Quit biting your nails! - Human beings are SUPPOSED to bite their nails! How do you figure that? The good lord gave us nails and he gave us teeth... - You do the math! Some of your teeth might be on a loan!
dr041009 -- Who are you going to vote for this year, dad? None of your business! - There's a reason why we have a secret ballot. If everyone said who they were voting for, they'd be subject to intimidation and peer pressure. - Gee, dad...you're pretty
dr041009 -- smart! - We're having an election this year??
dr041010 -- RING - boop - Hello? - ? - - - KONK! - I think cell phones have gotten a little too small!
dr041011 -- Just relax, Mr. Drabble, and we'll fix that tooth! - I'm going to tilt your chair back a bit... - Oops! I guess that was a little too far!
dr041012 -- Try this DVD headset, Mr. Drabble! You can watch a movie while I work on your teeth! - - AAAAAAAHHH!! - I haven't even started yet! Sorry...I'm watching "Jurassic Park"!
dr041013 -- Mr. Drabble, you're going to feel a little sting... - And that's just when you say your bill! - AH HA HA HA! - Seriously, this is going to hurt like the dickens! Now I know why he crams all this stuff in my mouth-it makes it hard to scream!
dr041014 -- KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK - ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! - Relax. It's just me! - I know. I was trying to stay sharp!
dr041015 -- Norman, you shouldn't tuck your tie into your pants! - Sorry...I'm not very good at tying ties! - I tucked it in my pants to hide the fact that it's too long! - It didn't help.
dr041016 -- Blow out your candles, Patrick! - But this year, be careful! - See if you can blow them out without spitting all over the cake! OK. -
dr041017 -- How did it go at the dentist, Ralph? - Oh, fine! No problems at all! - I'm glad you finally gathered the courage to go! I know you have a fear of dental procedures! - Who, me?? Naw...modern dentistry is virtually pain-free! - I wasn't afraid
dr041017 -- at all! It was a piece of cake! - There you go! Let's get back in the chair, Mr. Drabble! NO, I WANT TO Be DONE NOW!
dr041018 -- I'm tired of being a nobody, dad... - I've decided to become a SOMEBODY. - The problem is, I don't know HOW to become a somebody! - Figure out how you became a nobody, and then do the opposite!
dr041019 -- Norm, if you want to be a somebody, you've got to LOOK like a somebody! - How do I do that? First, hold your chin up high! - Which might be a little tricky, since you don't HAVE a chin! Hee hee! - Why don't you loan him one of yours, Ralph?
dr041020 -- I'm tired of being a nobody! - What makes you feel like a nobody? - Hey! Where'd you go?! - Oh, there you are! Little things like that.
dr041021 -- I'm tired of being a nobody. - I want to be a SOMEBODY. - If I were a somebody, I'd always sign autographs and smile at kids - I'd make a good somebody!
dr041022 -- I want to be a SOMEBODY! I just don't know how! - Son, you become a somebody by trying to do the right thing... - Work hard, treat people well, listen to your parents and obey the law! - I've GOT it! I need to win an AWARD of some kind! Did I
dr041022 -- mention listening to your parents?
dr041023 -- Ah ha! Just as I suspected! - It says in the paper that a child's backpack should not exceed 15% of the child's body weight! - I'm going to call the principal! - What did he say? He recommends our child gain some weight!
dr041024 -- Four pumpkins...that will be $20, please! - Here's a twenty dollar bill! - Oh, wait! That was one of the NEW twenty dollar bills! Let me give you an old twenty instead! - They redesigned it a few years ago, and I like the new style much
dr041024 -- better. - I don't even like to have the old twenties in my purse! The new bills are much prettier! - I always spend the old twenties to get rid of them! - You're right, dad. Mom really DOES spend money like it's going out of style!
dr041025 -- Maybe I could be a policeman...or a fireman... - Those are both great occupations, Norm! - I'm glad you're finally thinking about your future! - Yeah, it's about time I figured out what to be for Halloween!
dr041026 -- Trick or treat! - What the heck is THAT?? A Hallowiener Dog!
dr041027 -- Trick or treat! - Hey, it's baseball slugger BARRY BONDS! Great costume! - Here you go! - Hey, what's the big idea?! I threw you for wide ones!
dr041028 -- BOO! Whoa! You kids are scary! - Here you go1 - DING DONG - BOO! Weren't you here before? Deja boo!
dr041029 -- Yeah, I know...uh-huh...hang on... - Trick or treat! . HEY, LOOK OUT! BEEP! So, anyway, like I was saying... The scariest costume of the night: a driver on a cell phone.
dr041030 -- TRICK OR TREAT! - Very funny. You look like me! Very realistic! - OK, here's a treat! I'll need more. Why? - There are three other kids inside here!
dr041031 -- Trick or treat! - Wow! What a costume! - Did you make it yourself? - That is, by far, the best costume of the night! - Let me take a picture! - Congratulations! Bye-bye! - KNOCK KNOCK! - You didn't give me any candy! Hey! Look! Look! Is that
dr041031 -- a full moon?
dr041101 -- Vote Vote - - Steinbauer! - Before entering the voting booth, it's fun to think of one special person whose vote I'm about to cancel out!
dr041102 -- ...Step 7: you put your right foot out. - Step 8: you put your right foot in...Step 9: you shake it all about. - Ker-CHUNK! - I don't think they succeeded at simplifying the voting process!
dr041103 -- I'm just about ready for you to take the Halloween decorations up to the attic! - I just need to put a little grin on the jack-o-lantern...there! - You know you're a compulsive decorator when you decorate boxes of decorations!
dr041104 -- Let me borrow your back, dad. I need to write on something. - This won't work! Your back is too squishy! - I need a harder surface! - Try the top of his head!
dr041105 -- Norman, sometimes you really really bug me. - But then other times... - You just really bug me! - How nice of you to say. And the rest of the time, you just bug me.
dr041106 -- Hi, Mr. Drabble. Hello, Kendall. - I've come to ask for your daughter's hand in marriage. - Sorry, Kendall. You're too young! - That's what you said LAST week!
dr041107 -- - FREE - FREE - FREE - FREE - scribble scribble scribble - $10 I'll give you five!
dr041108 -- Having another bowl of ice cream, dad? - Yeah, it's all I can eat! I have a very bad sore throat! - A sore throat? What are you doing for it? - Every so often, I go stand outside in the rain!
dr041109 -- I only got a "C-Plus" on my dinosaur poster! - My mom is really gonna be mad! - How come? - She worked HOURS on it!
dr041110 -- Penny, would you like some of my candy bar? - Well...OK! snap! - - What's wrong? I didn't MEAN it! I was just being gentlemanly!
dr041111 -- Mr. Drabble, I have come once again to ask for your daughter's hand in marriage. - Sorry, Kendall. You're still too young! - But I'm very grown-up for my age! - I already weigh as much as my grandma!
dr041112 -- I'm glad there are still a few shows on TV that the entire family can watch together! - Now if only they didn't have to show promos for the sleazy show that comes on next!
dr041113 -- Now, where are those clickers? - Hey, I just thought of a great idea!! I'll make millions!! - Since the remote gets misplaced so often, they should put buttons DIRECTLY ON THE TV! Then you wouldn't NEED the remote!! - Like this? You mean,
dr041113 -- someone beat me to it?!
dr041114 -- Excuse me...we just went through the drive-thru and we didn't get our fries. You didn't get your fries?? - THIS MAN DIDN'T GET HIS FRIES! WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS? - I am, sir! YOU'RE FIRED! - Please don't fire me, sir! I need this job!
dr041114 -- Apologize to the man and GET OUT!! - No...no...don't fire him! It's really OK! It's OK??? - If it's OK, then why did you come in here and make a big deal out of it?? Well, I... - Yeah! You almost got me FIRED!! I'm sorry! - So, they didn't
dr041114 -- give you their fries, and YOU apologized to THEM? That's my boy!
dr041115 -- SCRATCH CLAW CLAW SCRATCH - Hey, knock it off, you dumb cat! - I though we WANTED Oogie to claw the scratching post instead of the furniture! We do! - That was just a little "kitty psychology." claw claw pick pick
dr041116 -- Come on, Norm! Let's go! OK! OK! Give me a break! - It's not EVERY day I get to be on TV, you know! - Norm's idea of being on TV is a trip to the Mini-Mart!
dr041117 -- Excuse me...what time do you have? - I have 7:53! 7:53?? - Actually, it's a quarter to one. - Never ask Norman what time he has! Darn! I must have worn this in the shower again! tap tap!
dr041118 -- Let's go get a burger, Norm! Where? - Where else? GALTBURGER! - Isn't Galtburger pretty fattening? Yeah, but at least they're honest about it... - As their motto says: "Where the taste meets your waist".
dr041119 -- These Galtburgers CAN'T be very good for you, dad! - Hey, look! They posted the nutritional facts for all their food items! - Here we go...a Galtburger with cheese... - "Calories: don't even ask. Fat: You don't want to know." I feel healthier
dr041119 -- already!
dr041120 -- - - Norman, how come half of us is all wet?? I shared an umbrella with dad.
dr041121 -- Z - - - Whoa! - Oogie is acting really weird! - Cats have been known to behave strangely prior to an earthquake. They can sense when the ground is about to tremble! - We should take cover! - False alarm. Dad's just getting ready to do jumping
dr041121 -- jacks! Ready, begin...
dr041122 -- SKRAAKKK! - Oh, no! Look at that scratch! - Dad's gonna KILL me! - If I had a life, it would be flashing before my eyes right now!
dr041123 -- Few people realize that the language of the ancient Sumerians contained six vowels. - Isn't that interesting? - I always learn a lot when I'm with you, Norman... - Just now, I learned that I can yawn with my mouth closed!
dr041124 -- Penny, will you please tell everyone it's dinner time? - DINNER TIME!! - Penny, don't shout! - Well, you SAID tell EVERYONE! Everyone in the HOUSE, not everyone in the WORLD!
dr041125 -- - - The Macy's parade is better. He's more full of hot air than the GARFIELD balloon!
dr041126 -- Hey, thanks for the hospitality-NOT! Oh, yeah? Well, thanks for coming-NOT° - Thanks for bossing us around for two days!! Thanks for spilling cranberry sauce on our new sofa!!! - Sounds like you and your relatives have a lot of to be
dr041126 -- thankful for! I'm thankful I only see them once a year!
dr041127 -- - OK, honeybunch, I brought down all the Christmas decorations from the attic! - Go ape! You forgot my mechanical Santa!
dr041128 -- - - Dad, I hate to tell you this... - I got a "D" on my report card! - Hang on, Norm. I've got another glare to give! - OK, I'm back! You've heard of "call-waiting"? Your father has "GLARE-waiting."
dr041129 -- munch munch - - munch munch chew chew - I've never seen it take anyone so long to eat a "bite size" candy bar! munch chew munch
dr041130 -- Christmas trees?? - It's too early to be looking at Christmas trees, honeybunch! - It's NOT too early! - May I help you? When the tree lot attendant is still wearing Bermuda shorts, IT'S TOO EARLY!!
dr041201 -- How about this one? - - Oh, it can't be THAT expensive! I didn't say a word!
dr041202 -- I can't sleep! I'm scared! What are you scared of, Penny? - Ghosts! We don't have any ghosts in out house! - How do you know? Because we've never seen one, and they've never made a noise! - Maybe we have POLITE ghosts! Gee, I never thought of
dr041202 -- that!
dr041203 -- What are you watching, Norm? Celebrity poker. - Have a seat, dad! Maybe you can explain things to me! - You don't know how to play poker? - I don't know who any of the celebrities are!
dr041204 -- I'm so excited, big brother! Do you know what tonight is? Let me guess, Penny... - It's Christmas eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve? - No, smarty pants... - It's new year's eve eve eve eve eve eve
dr041204 -- eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve!
dr041205 -- Ten laps! huff! puff! - Eleven laps! puff! puff! wheeze! - TWELVE laps! - OK, I think I'm ready for more pizza! Please stop jogging around the buffet table!
dr041206 -- - ALL DONE, HONEYBUNCH! - It looks done to me, anyway! Never ask someone with a bad back to decorate the tree!
dr041207 -- - - roll roll roll - How did you get it decorated so fast? It's a trade secret!
dr041208 -- Hey! Don't swim in my water dish! - How revolting! - I refuse to drink out of that water dish ever again! Fortunately, there's still the bathroom! lap lap lap!
dr041209 -- I love this time of year, Norm! - I can really feel a nip in the air! - I think that's the cat, dad.
dr041210 -- Another one! - shake shake rattle rattle - squeeze squeeze feel feel - And what do you think YOU'RE doing? Just making my presents felt!
dr041211 -- I don't understand it, dad... - You've always told me that sweat pants are comfortable. - But they sure are hard to put on! That's a sweatSHIRT, Einstein!
dr041212 -- Hey, Norm! Is your mom home? No. - OK, I have kind of a complicated message for her. Hang up and I'll call back and leave it on the answering machine! Okey-dokey! - RING! - Hello? - WHY DID YOU ANSWER THE PHONE?? I TOLD YOU I WAS GOING TO
dr041212 -- LEAVE A MESSAGE ON THE ANSWERING MACHINE!! - Well, how was I supposed to know it was you?? - Norm, hang up the phone! When it rings again, don't answer it!! OK! - RING! - Hell Oops! I forgot! - Any messages? Yeah, dad said to tell you I take
dr041212 -- after YOUR side of the family!
dr041213 -- Rrrrraaaalllphh! - Gosh, I could've sworn I just heard a creepy voice calling my name! - CLANK CLANK TROMP TROMP And now I hear chains and heavy footsteps!! - Boo! Oh, it's just a ghost! I was afraid my mother-in-law was here!
dr041214 -- Who are you?? In life, I was your friend No-Neck! - No-Neck?? Does that mean you're...DEAD? Worse! I'm a comic strip character who has fallen by the wayside! - Readers haven't seen me in months! I have vanished from the strip without
dr041214 -- explanation! - Oh, there's probably an explanation! It's not MY fault I never got any funny lines!
dr041215 -- I'm here to warn you, Ralph! - Tonight, you'll be visited by the ghosts of three characters who no longer appear in the strip! - The first will appear as the clock chimes one! The second when it chimes two... - The third will arrive sometime
dr041215 -- between the hours of eight and six. Let me guess: that's the old cable repairman character!
dr041216 -- BONG! Yikes! The clock just chimed ONE! - That's when No-Neck said I'd be visited by the first of three spirits... - Ghosts of old characters who no longer appear in the strip! - Why, hello, Ralph! CACTUS JACK!
dr041217 -- Cactus Jack-my arch enemy from my pro wrestling days! - You used to be in the strip all the time, and then you were GONE! - What ever became of you? I went to bigger and better things, Ralph. - I served for a time as lieutenant governor of
dr041217 -- Minnesota!
dr041218 -- BONG...BONG! The stroke of two! - That's when the second ghost of "characters past" is supposed to visit! - Howdy, Ralph! Moose Malone! My old lodge buddy! - How come you're not in the strip anymore, Moose? The first time you see a guy with
dr041218 -- antlers, it's kind of funny, but after that...
dr041219 -- Daddy, try to guess what I got you for Christmas! - I don't want to guess, Penny! I like to be surprised! - Please?? Just take a wild guess! I really can't imagine! - Just take one guess? Please??? Well, OM. Let's see... - A necktie? - - I
dr041219 -- mean, a HORSE! I think it's a HORSE!! Mommy! Daddy guessed what I got him for Christmas! Oh, way to go, Ralph!
dr041220 -- Ralph is visited by the second of 3 spirits... Moose! What ever became of you?? - Sometimes, comic strip characters just disappear! In my case, I moved to Palm Springs! - I keep busy playing golf. I also do a little estate planning! - Here's
dr041220 -- my card. Let's talk! Is it time for the next ghost, yet??
dr041221 -- BONG...BONG...BONG! The stroke of three! - This is when I'm supposed to be visited by the third ghost of characters who no longer appear in the strip! - Hi, dad! Norm! What are YOU doing here??? Don't tell me YOU'RE a ghost!! - Naw, I just
dr041221 -- got up to get a drink of water!
dr041222 -- You look tired this morning, Ralph! - You'd look tired, too, if you were up all night being visited by three ghosts, and the third ghost never even showed-up! - - Yeah, I hate it when that happens! Noone relates to my problems!
dr041223 -- What should we buy dad for Christmas? - How about a laptop computer? - Naw, he'd never use it! How come? - For one thing, he doesn't have a lap!
dr041224 -- The holidays make me a nervous wreck! - There's so much to do! I have cookies to wrap! Gifts to bake! - You mean, cookies to BAKE and gifts to WRAP! - Shoot! SO much for dad's 3 stooges complete video library!
dr041225 -- That's the worst picture of me EVER! My eyes were closed! I look fat and stupid! Why did we use THAT picture on our Christmas card? Because *I* look good! - Merry merry merry merry merry merry merry merry Christmas! From the Drabbles
dr041226 -- CRASH Z - BOOM! CRACK! Z - BASH! RUMBLE RUMBLE Z - Z - Z - Z - RALPH! QUIT SNORING!! Z*Z
dr041227 -- I don't understand it, Norm... - You gave me two belts for Christmas... - And they're both too small! I know... - I couldn't find any belts your size, so I figured you could just hook those together!
dr041228 -- Zundel's I'd like to exchange this gift. - What's wrong with it? - It's the wrong size, the wrong color and the wrong style! - How do you know? You haven't opened it yet! Trust me. My husband bought it!
dr041229 -- I'd like the All-You-Can-Eat salad bar! That'll be $4.75 - - That's all. I'm not very hungry. - I should've ordered the All-'I'-Can-Eat salad bar!
dr041230 -- Hello, Wendy? I'd like to extend an invitation... - How would you like to come over for new year's eve? - I'm going to make grilled cheese sandwiches and watch my favorite episodes of "The Munsters!" - She extended a hang-up!
dr041231 -- Galtburger 10...9...8...7... - 6...5...4... - 3...2...1... - HAPPY NEW YEAR! If you can't be in Times Square, Galtburger is the next best thing!
dr050101 -- 7:03 A.A., and I haven't done anything stupid all year! - 7:04 A.M., and I haven't done anything stupid all year! - 7:05 A.M., and I haven't done anything stupid all year! - Norman, why would anyone in their right mind wake up so early on new
dr050101 -- year's day? Oh, crud!
dr050102 -- ...and then...wait a minute...what was I talking about? - I seem to have lost my train of thought... beep beep boop beep... - Hello, mom? Call me right back on my cell, OK? Bye! - Oh, yeah, now I remember... drum drum drum - * Excuse me! -
dr050102 -- Hello? Good heavens! I'm on my way! - Sorry, Norman. I have to cut our date short! There's an emergency! - Thanks, mom! Reason #347 why I don't like cell phones!
dr050103 --
dr050104 -- Hi, Dad! Norm! Where ARE you?? - I'm still driving the car! - You've been gone for hours! Why aren't you home yet?! - Because I saw a sign by the side of the road that said "No Stopping Any Time"! - That's my boy! I don't know what to do! I'm
dr050104 -- almost out of gas!
dr050105 -- I have a creative writing assignment due Friday. How long have you known about it? - All semester. Why did you wait so long to get started? - It wasn't MY fault! First our computer crashed, then I got sick, and then the holidays were upon us!
dr050105 -- - And then of course, there was an eclipse! Instead of creative WRITING, you should've taken creative EXCUSES!
dr050106 -- OK, here goes...time to write my story! Let's see... - - - I admire people who have the ability to write themselves into a corner!
dr050107 -- "Boo Hoo!" cried the town crier. - * - This story is really stupid. Do you wish to continue writing it? Yes No Cancel - I knew we had "spell check." Apparently, we also have "stupidity check"!
dr050108 -- Well? What did the doctor say? - He gave me some good news and some bad news. - The good news is I don't need a hip replacement. - The bad news is I need an EVERYTHING ELSE replacement!
dr050109 -- Care for some ice cream, dad? No thanks, son... - I'm on a new diet! - I invented it myself. I call it the "Tight Pants Diet". - If I wear pants that are tight around the waistline, it will help me lose weight because I'll feel full! - Does
dr050109 -- it really work? You bet! Right now, I'm not hungry at all! - Of course, that could also be 'cause I'm eating a sticky bun!
dr050110 -- ? - Want me to call Lassie?
dr050111 -- - Oh, I'm siiiinngin' in the...! - OW! OUCH! OUCH!! OW! OW!! - Hail.
dr050112 -- - Honeybunch, I must say... - There aren't many 52-year old who look as good as you do! - I'm *42*, grunt head! Still...
dr050113 -- - The weatherman was right when he predicted scattered showers!
dr050114 -- El Watson Elementary May I help you, Mrs. Drabble? - I need to take Patrick home early from school today. - Why? Does he have a chiropractic appointment because of his heavy backpack? - No, he needs to come home early so he'll have enough
dr050114 -- time to finish all of his homework! That was my second guess!
dr050115 -- Norman, it's past your bed time! - Sorry, mom. I was watching an important program.... - "TV's Ten Most Memorable Moments" - What were they? I forget.
dr050116 -- Dad, I need some fatherly advice. - OK, let me go change into my fatherly advice outfit! - - Some fatherly advice, huh? OK, how about this... - Whenever you feel like giving up, always remember: the opposite of GIVE UP is TAKE DOWN! - Gee,
dr050116 -- that's pretty good, dad! Anyone else need any fatherly advice before I take the sweater off?
dr050117 -- Aaaaarrgh! - shuffle shuffle shuffle shuffle  - Gosh, dad...You walk like you're a hundred years old! That's good to hear. creak! pop! - I feel like I'm TWO-hundred!
dr050118 -- gulp - crick! - - Looks like the Christmas bills have finally arrived!
dr050119 -- I lost my homework! - I can't tell out teacher that I lost it! It sounds like I'm careless! - I need to phrase it in a way that will make her feel sorry for me! - I dislocated my homework!
dr050120 -- Uh-oh...I wrote a not to myself last week, and now I can't read it! - "Zerold flor lift fizzlebop?? Go lurk crip in witkins??" - If I don't read my notes within 48 hours, I can never read them again! - I never knew handwriting could go bad!
dr050120 -- Maybe it should have an expiration date! "Abbl wooky fnkork?"
dr050121 -- Ralph! Pick up that drink! - Look, it left a ring on the table! - Wipe that up, please! - Another good reason to wear socks around the house!
dr050122 -- - - OK, it's official... - Everyone in the world has a nicer car than I do!
dr050123 -- Honeybunch, where is may "fatherly advice" sweater? It's in the wash. - Sorry, Norm. I can't give you any fatherly advice right now! My official fatherly advice sweater is in the wash! - Dad, you don't need to wear our sweater every time you
dr050123 -- give me fatherly advice! The advice comes from YOU, not the sweater! - OK, OK...I'll try. Now, what's the problem? - Well, there's this girl at school, and I'd like to get to know her, but I'm kind of shy. - Son, here's my advice... - A bird
dr050123 -- in the hand gathers no moss. But never look a rolling stone in the mouth! - WHEN WILL THAT SWEATER BE READY?!
dr050124 -- BASH! - Well, at least now we know never to toss a ball up into a ceiling fan, again! Let's not play "What would happen if..." anymore!
dr050125 -- - - - May stack of bills is like Snoopy's stack of bones in "A Charlie Brown Christmas." It never gets any smaller!
dr050126 -- Ralph! What are you doing?? - I'm just having a little something to tide me over until dinner, honeybunch! - Dinner is in TWO MINUTES! - In that case, I'll only have one more!
dr050127 -- ARRRRGG! - - Why did you do that? Because it was here! Feel free to help out with the laundry sometime!
dr050128 -- Dad, why do you keep all these old TV clickers that don't work anymore? - THEY STILL WORK! - If you tape them all together, they'll reach the buttons on the TV!
dr050129 -- SLOSH SLOSH SLOSH - You were right. It's hard to make snow angels in the rain! Nice try, though.
dr050130 -- Hello! Welcome to All-Mart! Hello! - Hi, Welcome to All-Mart! Hello! Hello! Welcome to All-Mart! Hello! - - - - I'm such a nobody, even the All-Mart greeter ignores me! Hello! Welcome to All-Mart! Hello!
dr050131 -- Ralph, I have a question... - Why on earth would you eat a donut right before you drink a diet shake? - Because after I drink the diet shake, I won't be hungry anymore! - That was kind of a no-brainer!
dr050201 -- - The weatherman did say there was only a 50% chance of snow today!
dr050202 -- - GRRRRRRR - What the heck... - The Steinbauers got a new dog! Dog? I thought it was Batman! grrrrrr
dr050203 -- Ralph! I see you've met Wolfgang! Wolfgang? - My new puppy! That's a PUPPY?? How big is it going to get?? - Who knows? He's just a big teddy bear! Isn't that right, Wolfgang? - GRRRRRRRR HEY! SPIT OUT MY HIBACHI!!
dr050204 -- That new puppy of yours is kind of scary, Steinbauer! - Relax, Ralph! Wolfgang has a very pleasant disposition, and he has been trained to respond to my command! - Watch this...sit, Wolfgang! Sit! - GRRRRRRRRR OK! OK! Maybe later!
dr050205 -- Wolfgang is my new puppy! Puppy?? - Say hello to Mr. Drabble, Wolfgang! - BARK BARK BARK - Sorry, Ralph. Wolfgang has been trained to bark at undesirables!
dr050206 -- First, I'll put on my sweat pants.. - Then my sweatshirt... - My head band... - Wrist bands... - And now I'm ready to feel the burn! - groan grunt! ARRRRGGHH!! It's kind of sad when you need to wear workout clothes just to put your socks on!
dr050207 -- BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK - How can you stand being in the backyard with the neighbor's dog barking at you? Maybe I'll go inside. - WHY ARE YOU RELAXING WHEN THE SINK NEEDS FIXING, THE WALL NEEDS PAINTING, THE YARD NEEDS...
dr050207 -- - BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK
dr050208 -- ...Yawn... - Good morning, dad! Mornin', son! - Here you go! Thanks! - I like it when someone warms up my sweatpants in the morning!
dr050209 -- - Hello, Wally! Did anyone feed you today? No! - Did anyone feed Wally? No! - Honeybunch, did you feed Wally today? Yes. Twice. Dang!
dr050210 -- - - - Take those speed bumps a little slower, son. Sorry!
dr050211 -- Monday is Valentines Day. - I bought a card, addressed it to myself, stamped it, and I'll mail it! All you have to do is sign it! - Sorry. My pen just ran out of ink. - That's OK. It's the thought that counts!
dr050212 -- Ralph, I'm glad you're home! - The sink is clogged, the roof is leaking and the garage door is broken. - Oh, and the garbage disposal needs to be replaced. - Whenever the wife says she's glad you're home, look out!
dr050213 -- Hello, Wendy! Norman, I have a question for you... - Why did you send me a sympathy card? A what?? - "With deepest condolences for the love of your beloved husband" - Oh, I can explain... - I got mixed up. I meant to send you a VALENTINES
dr050213 -- card! - I see. Well, thank you anyway! - It's going to be harder to explain it to old Mrs. Hogenboomer!
dr050214 -- Valentine's candy?? For ME?? Before you get excited, let me explain... - I bought several of these to give to all my close friends! You consider me a close friend?? - No, but I had one left over! - I was going to give it to the garbage man,
dr050214 -- but he doesn't come until Friday- This is the best valentine's day ever!!
dr050215 -- Go ahead! Try me! OK, let's see... - Who led the national league in triples in 1958? - I forgot! Wow! That's amazing!! - Dad's right! He's forgotten more about baseball than I'll EVER know!
dr050216 -- There! I put a sticky note on the refrigerator reminding me of my dental appointment! - But I'll never remember to read it! - scribble scribble - There! A sticky note to remind me to read the other sticky note!
dr050217 -- I'd like to pay with a credit card. - May I see a picture I.D.? - If you insist... - I was thinking more along the lines of a driver's license. My driver's license photo is embarrassing!
dr050218 -- Here she comes! - - ...yes, I love you, too, darling! - Your phone is upside-down. So much for the old jealousy ploy!
dr050219 -- - PUSH PUSH SHOVE SHOVE - This is probably a silly question, but do you like my new cologne?
dr050220 -- - - You dogs are all alike... - You follow the big guy all over the house because you want him to like you best! - SNARF! - No, I follow him around because I know I'll eventually get something to eat!
dr050221 -- This is my favorite program: the extreme home makeover show! - Each week, they select a deserving family and completely remodel their house! And they send them on a cool vacation while they do it! - How do they pick the family? People send in
dr050221 -- application videos explaining why they need it! - Uh-oh. Hide the camcorder!
dr050222 -- ...and, ACTION! Hello. I'm Ralph Drabble and I'd like to apply for an extreme home makeover! - When you hear my gut-wrenching story, I'm sure you'll want to come right out and get to work! - In the meantime, I strongly suggest you grab a box
dr050222 -- of tissues!
dr050223 -- Application Video I believe our house qualifies for an extreme makeover! - I'm embarrassed to live in such squalor! - Look! I have to put a pot on the floor because the roof leaks. - AND IT'S NOT EVEN RAINING OUTSIDE!!
dr050224 -- I'm not applying for this extreme home makeover for my own sake... - It's for my good wife, who works her fingers to the bone raising our three children. - I was hoping you could redo our yard and install one of those big, synthetic putting
dr050224 -- greens for her! - She doesn't like golf but at least she wouldn't have to mow the lawn any more!
dr050225 -- Here's one of our biggest problems: our neighbor, Mr. Steinbauer! - He's the worst neighbor EVER! Is it any wonder why I'm a nervous wreck?? - If you're applying for a home makeover, forget it! As president of the Neighborhood Homeowners
dr050225 -- Association, we'd never approve any drastic changes! - Hopefully, you'll have to knock down his house to make room for my new pool!
dr050226 -- Well, that's my application video! I look forward to the arrival of the Extreme Home Makeover team! - We'll pack our bags for the fabulous vacation you'll send us on while you're fixing up this dump! - Remember, I'd like a home theater, a
dr050226 -- rumpus room, an indoor gym and a built-in barbecue! I hope it's not too much to ask! - If it is, just send us on the vacation!
dr050227 -- Hello! Welcome to All-Mart! - Welcome to All-Mart! - Hi! Welcome to All-Mart! - Mrs. Drabble! - - Something tells me you do a lot of shopping here. I do seem to get a warmer welcome than most!
dr050228 -- Take my advice, son... - When you grow up and take a bride, get married on her birthday! - That way, if you forget her birthday and your anniversary, you'll only get trouble once a year. - Thanks, dad. Mind if I stay up here in your treehouse
dr050228 -- for a few days?
dr050301 -- HA HA ho ho ho HEE HEE HEE chuckle hoo hoo hoo I love it when the sound of laughter fills the house, don't you, Ralph? Sure. - ...except when they're laughing at all my photo I.D.'s! HEE HEE HEE HOO HOO Whoa! This one is gnarly!!
dr050302 -- I'm back! - Is anybody home? - - - Good!
dr050303 -- I'm so upset! The art store doesn't sell scrapbooking supplies any more! - Now I have to drive all the way to the mall! - My heart bleeds for you, honeybunch! - Heehee! Snort! Your NOSE is liable to bleed for me in a minute!
dr050304 -- Hello! - Honeybunch? Norm? Patrick? Penny? - I guess nobody's home! - I'd bite him if I had any teeth!
dr050305 -- Let me raise your chair a little bit, Mr. Drabble, and we'll check those teeth! - whirrrrrr - How come you raised it so high? Oh, sorry! I used to be a garage mechanic!
dr050306 -- Welcome TO All-Mart - Hey! You didn't welcome me to All-Mart! Your job is to say "Welcome to All-Mart" to everyone who comes in! I'm on my break! - When will your break be over? Thirteen minutes. - OK! - - - HEY! My mistake. I should've said
dr050306 -- fourteen minutes!
dr050307 -- CRRACKK! Ahh! That's better! - Thanks, doc! - Dad says when he was a kid, schools only had NURSES! That was before the forty-pound back pack!
dr050308 -- Wendy, may I borrow a pencil? - Sure, take this one. - Teeth marks! Wendy chews her pencils! - Wow! I'm chewing on the same pencil Wendy chewed on!
dr050309 -- I borrowed a pencil from Wendy, and it tooth marks all over it! - I'm chewing on the same pencil Wendy chewed on! - I didn't know you chewed your pencil, Wendy! I don't! - I loaned it to Walter yesterday!
dr050310 -- Hello? - Hello? - Hello? - Hello? - Hello? - Hello? - Oh, now I can hear you! - Now I know why they're called "mobile" phones!
dr050311 -- How was your day at school? Good. - Norman, every day I ask how school was, and every day you give me the same on-word answer. - Could you offer just a little more information? Oh, sure, mom. - It was pretty good!
dr050312 -- Some people say we should have eyes on the backs of our heads. - I think we should have eyes on our hands. That way, if you're at a parade and you want to see better... - All you have to do is this! - Of course, then you'd need a really big
dr050312 -- pair of sunglasses! Norman, RUN!
dr050313 -- I'm back from spending the weekend at my sister's! - Wow! Don't you all look festive! Did you decide to get a head start on St-Patrick's Day? No, we decided to let Norman do the laundry!
dr050314 -- - whirrrr How was your weekend, Norman? - My Weekend? Uh, well, let's see...on Friday night, I watched TV and played video games...then, uh...uh... whirrrrrr!! - DANG it! Norman's fun to converse with if if you catch him at the right time!
dr050315 -- - Those who fail to remember the past are doomed to repeat it! - I know. - You told me that yesterday! Oh, yeah. Sorry!
dr050316 -- - Yeah, this is a little better, but I STILL think you should buy a big screen!
dr050317 -- OW!! - Norman, it's Saint Patrick's Day and you're not wearing green! - What were you thinking?? - I was thinking I'd like to have Wendy pinch me!
dr050318 -- We took a field trip to a museum today. - What did you see? - A bunch of naked statues. Oh, well... - I guess it's good to be exposed to the arts! Or vice versa.
dr050319 -- I hate tabulating my income taxes. - It's always a painful experience! - tappity tappity tap tap tap - That's because I bite my nails too short!
dr050320 -- - - - - - - Let me guess: you hired a window washer, and he'll be here any minute! You don't want him to think we're slobs, do you?!
dr050321 -- Sorry! The rocket ride is closed for repairs. - Sorry! The space bomber ride is closed today. - Sorry! The laser beam ride is closed for inspection. - Now I know why they call this "Tomorrow World." If you want to go on any rides, you have to
dr050321 -- come back tomorrow!
dr050322 -- What are you doing outside in the rain? I'm a duck. - Ducks like rain! - What are YOU doing outside in the rain? I'm a dog. - Dogs are kind of dumb!
dr050323 -- Ralph, when will you quit procrastinating and fix our leaky roof? - I can't fix it in the rain, honeybunch! - Sometime you just have to make the best of a bad situation!
dr050324 -- Would I look more handsome with glasses? - Absolutely not! - Then I'd REALLY be able to see all your imperfections! - I meant if *I* wore glasses! Oh...couldn't hurt!
dr050325 -- I'm always surprised that you continue to go out with me, when you never seem to have a good time! - I've come to the conclusion that being with you is my punishment for misdeeds I must have committed in a previous life. - When I spend time
dr050325 -- with you, I feel like I'm paying my debt to society! - I'm glad I can help. I just don't know what on earth I could have possibly done that was so BAD!!
dr050326 -- Yes, uh-huh... - What? You're breaking up! - Hello? Hello? Can you hear me?? - Oh, sorry! I always lose reception when I walk behind my dad!
dr050327 -- I found twelve eggs, two TV clickers and three dollars and 48 cents in change! I found six eggs, mom's lipstick, 94 cents and the missing cell phone! I found four eggs, one sock, 52 cents, mom's earring and dad's missing car keys! I'm glad we
dr050327 -- had the easter egg hunt indoors this year!
dr050328 -- click! - twist! push! - punch! turn! click! twist! - I WISH YOU'D QUIT PLAYING WITH THE TEMPERATURE CONTROLS!
dr050329 -- - - I guess it's a good day to be a duck! - EVERY day is a good day to be a duck!
dr050330 -- Hey, they're having a "10-K" race this weekend! - Maybe we should enter, dad! WE?? - Sure, why not? Can't you run a "10-K"? - I couldn't run a fever!
dr050331 -- Have a seat, Mr. Drabble! - The doctor will see you shortly. Uh-huh. - When they say the doctor will see you shortly, it doesn't mean he'll see you SOON... - It means when he finally DOES see you, it won't be for very long!
dr050401 -- Mr. Drabble, I've studied your test results, and I'm afraid it's bad news. - In fact, it's the worst. I hope your affairs are in order. - - HA HA HA HA HA HA Never go in for a checkup on april fools' day!
dr050402 -- This is my favorite day of the year! How come? - Because baseball season starts tomorrow! - Then why isn't TOMORROW your favorite day of the year? - Because today the cubs are still tied for first place!
dr050403 -- 5 Days Ago Don't forget wedding anniversary next week! - 4 Days Ago Don't forget wedding anniversary next week! - 3 Days Ago Don't forget wedding anniversary next week! - 2 Days Ago Don't forget wedding anniversary next week! - Yesterday
dr050403 -- Don't forget wedding anniversary next week! - Today I've discovered that my handwriting goes bad after a few days! I think it says something about "anteaters". Instead of putting your notes ON the refrigerator, maybe you should put then IN
dr050403 -- the refrigerator!
dr050404 -- BAD CALL, REF! YOU'RE LAZY! - Zip it, Steinbauer! I will not tolerate criticism from the sidelines! - Don't make me get up and come over there!
dr050405 -- - - - I always think it's ironic when she leaves her "good housekeeping" magazines all over the place!
dr050406 -- It's bright outside! - Better wear the shades! - RIP! YEOUCH! - Men with hairy chests should not hand sunglasses on the front of their shirts! Did you used to hang them on the back of your head, too?
dr050407 -- I'm off to the golf club, honeybunch! - OK. Try not to make a complete fool of yourself! - Don't lose all the balls this time! - Mom isn't exactly the wind beneath your wings, is she? More like a tropical depression!
dr050408 -- Dad, will you blow up my new beach ball? - Why can't YOU blow it up? You have more BREATH than I do! - Mom always says you're full of hot air! - It's nice to know I'm so well-respected! And use a breath mint in  case it pops!
dr050409 -- It's time to check on our local fast food drive-thru traffic conditions... - A heavy back-up is reported at the McDoogle's drive-through. Expect a ten-minute wait! - Traffic is moving smoothly at the Taco Hut drive-thru, but over at
dr050409 --Down-N-Out Burgers, it's slow and go. - ...and tipster Drabble reports that their chocolate shake machine is broken! Vanilla...yuk!
dr050410 -- Norman, do you remember back in January when you said "Rain, rain, go away! Come again some other day"? WELL, I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY!! How come everything is always MY fault??
dr050411 -- Due to the graphic nature of the following program, viewer discretion is advised. - CLICK! - It said VIEWER discretion, not MOTHER OF VIEWER discretion! Too bad!
dr050412 -- Wally, have you met the neighbors' new dog? ! - Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf! - WOOF! -
dr050413 -- Wally, what's wrong with you?? - Are you going to let the neighbor's puppy intimidate you? - You can't jump inside my shirt every time you're frightened! - That's right, Wally. There's barely enough room for HIM inside his shirt!
dr050414 -- It's fun to watch kids play baseball! - Baseball teaches the children teamwork and sportsmanship! - STRIKE THREE?? YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED, UMP!! SHOW SOME INTEGRITY!! - I'm not sure what it teaches the parents! WE KNOW WHICH CAR IS YOURS,
dr050414 -- UMP!
dr050415 -- Darn! An easy fly ball to right field! - HE DROPPED IT! YES!! YES!! WOO-HOO!! WAY TO GO!! - Don't you feel kind of bad cheering because a little kid on the other team dropped the ball and now feels terrible? - Heck no! You've heard of soccer
dr050415 -- moms? Meet a baseball mom!
dr050416 -- - Good heavens, Ralph! How do you eat ice cream so fast? - Before I eat, I warm up with a weighted spoon!
dr050417 -- CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH - CRUNCH CRUNCH - CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH - CRUNCH CRUNCH - CRUNCH CRUNCH - CRUNCH CRUNCH CRU... - What?? Nothing is louder than when someone eats popcorn during the quiet scenes!
dr050418 -- ...Sigh... - - slurp slurp slurrp slurrrpp! - Ahhh...the fountain of youth! If you want to feel young again, go outside and take a drink from the hose!
dr050419 -- slurp slurp slurrrp! My turn! - - - The old "crimp in the hose" trick claims another victim!
dr050420 -- Norman, don't you know how to hose-off the driveway?? - You need more water pressure! How do I get that? - stick your thumb in the nozzle! -
dr050421 -- Norm! I got a new spray nozzle for the hose! Now it'll be easier to take a drink! - Just put it on "Turbo Jet" and pull the trigger! OK! - This'll be sweet! - SPLADDLAPP!
dr050422 -- Oops! I forgot to roll up the windows! -
dr050423 -- Time to reel in the hose! crank crank crank . AAAARRRGH! -
dr050424 -- Crud! We'll never get on this ride! The line is too long! - If you don't want to wait in line, we can use a "Speedy Voucher." What's that? - It's a ticket that allows you to return at a later time when you won't have to wait! - Great! Let's
dr050424 -- try it! It's easy! I push the button, get our ticket, and see what time to come back! - - When does it say to come back? October 23rd at 9:52 PM!
dr050425 -- Paper or plastic? - Hmm...well, let's see... - This time I'll say...PAPER! - Sweet! I'm right again!! Make sure he pays in cash!
dr050426 -- Smile! - CLICK! - WAA HA HA!! - Look how smily he looks now! The only thing more obnoxious than mom with a camera is mom with a DIGITAL camera!
dr050427 -- I give up. I knew this day would come! - My eyes just aren't as sharp as they used to be! - Don't feel bad, dad...everyone eventually needs reading glasses! - ...or, in our case, picking-fleas-off-the-cat glasses!
dr050428 -- I can't stand it! It's too confusing!! - The newscaster is reading us one story, and there's another story running across the bottom of the screen! - I can't listen and read at the same time! I'm going crazy!! - Norman's just not a cable news
dr050428 -- kind of guy! Beach volleyball! That's better!
dr050429 -- It's hot in here! - I'll turn on the ceiling fan. click! - Whirrr crack! bang! zing! whizz! - I finally found those missing easter eggs!
dr050430 -- I've just discovered a new definition for the word "lazy"... - You in your easy chair, watching guys throw darts on TV. - - Fine. I'll change the channel and watch guys play Poker!
dr050501 -- Honeybunch! I'm home! - Honeybunch! - Honeybunch? - HONEYBUNCH!! - - - krinkle krinkle krinkle - Don't you DARE get into those pretzels when it's this close to dinnertime! I always know how to get your attention!
dr050502 -- - pow! YAAAAAAAHH! - Do you screech like that because it gives your serves more power? - No, I screech like that because I always whack my shins with the racket!
dr050503 -- Smile, dad! - Wait...I need to back-up a little to get your entire head in the picture! - THAT'S FAR ENOUGH! OK, then YOU back-up!
dr050504 -- Dad! Wake up! Huh? What's wrong? - I have the *hic* hiccups! So what? You're 19! years old! Go back to bed! - But, dad! They're *hic* annoying! Haven't you ever had something annoying that you *hic* couldn't get rid of? - *hic* Didn't I just
dr050504 -- mention that you're 19?
dr050505 -- *hic!* The best way to cure your hiccups is to frighten you! - So please forgive me for what I am about to do... - A picture of grandma? - Why would I be frightened by a picture of *hic* grandma? Always works for me!
dr050506 -- Here, Norm,,,try my mother's sure-fire hiccup cure! *hic* - Drink water from a straw while holding your nose and plugging your ears! - Why would I need to plug my ears? - Trust me.
dr050507 -- WHOOSH - - Don't bother. My hiccups are gone! - Dang it!
dr050508 -- It's mother's day, remember? You said you wanted us to make you breakfast in bed!
dr050509 -- - That's sad... - I wonder how Beethoven would've felt if he'd known his greatest compositions would one day be used as ring tones. - I finally get a call on my cell phone, and now I feel guilty about it!
dr050510 -- WALLY, YOU DUMB DOG! - QUIT CHEWING UP MY SHOES! - Don't yell at Wally, Ralph! It's normal for dogs to chew shoes! - I just wish he's wait till I take 'em off!
dr050511 -- Z - CREEEEEEEAKK! BOOM! Uh-oh! - - That garage door is so loud! Why on earth don't you ever grease it?! I work so hard around here, it just slips my mind!
dr050512 -- Come on, Patrick! Swing the bat! - Wait for your pitch, Patrick! - Put some wood on it! - Make the pitcher work! - Be aggressive! Be a hitter! Be selective! Be patient! - Your parents don't agree on much, do they? I can't hear you. I'm
dr050512 -- wearing ear plugs!
dr050513 -- Arrrrrgggh! - Grunt! Creak! Pop! Squeak! Crack! - Boy, I'm getting old! Don't think of yourself as old, dad! - Think of yourself as extreeeeeeeemely middle-aged! creak! pop!
dr050514 -- Frozen Yogurt The place is empty! - Creak! Crack! Snap! Burp! Hic! Squeak! gurgle - I'll be right with you! - Since I hit middle age, I never have to ring the bell. Everyone hears me coming!
dr050515 -- - Excuse me...I notice that you have a cart full of groceries, and all WE have is a bag of cat food. - So, why don't you go ahead of us in line! Thank you! - Wait a minute...what was I thinking?? You heart's in the right place, Norm. Now, if
dr050515 -- we could only locate your brain!
dr050516 -- This is National READING Week! That's good. Reading is important. - How else would you ever know what's on TV?
dr050517 -- There's no doubt about it... - This is the most inconvenient drive-thru ATM in town! - Actually, dad, I'm not so sure it's a drive-thru! --It also wreaks havoc on my alignment!
dr050518 -- Our yard is in bad shape! We hardly have any grass left! - Maybe you should hire a gardener! - Why should I pay a gardener when we have so little grass? - The same reason you pay a barber, I suppose!
dr050519 -- Here's your change! Have a great day! - Thanks, but it's too late for that. - I could probably pull off a "so-so" day, but I'd have to stage a rally!
dr050520 -- squeegee squeegee squeegee - squeegee squeegee - squeegee squeegee squeegee - Thanks, but my window was open! I know. Your nose has a smudge!
dr050521 -- Your cell phone is ringing! - Thank you, Norman Drabble! - Whenever someone says something really stupid, I always say "Thank you, Norman Drabble." - You're welcome! Thank you, Norman Drabble!
dr050522 -- Uh-huh...yeah... CRACK! - Hold on! I've got a fly ball coming my way! - THWAP! - The game has sure changed from when I was a kid! He probably should use a headset when he's in the field!
dr050523 -- Hi! I'm Ralph Drabble! - This week, I'd like to step out of the comic strip and speak directly to you, the audience. - This is known as "breaking the fourth wall". - He broke it, all right!
dr050524 -- This week, I'd like to speak directly to all of the new readers of Drabble! - As you may know, we get new readers all the time... - And some of you may be a little confused. - So, I'd like to explain what's going on in our comic strip! Good
dr050524 -- luck! I've been in this strip all my life and I don't know what's going on!
dr050525 -- For you readers who may be new to our strip, let me tell you a little about myself... - I have an exciting, high-profile career in law enforcement! - I don't want to brag by telling you exactly what I do. Let's just say it's filled with
dr050525 -- glamour and intrigue. - He's a mall cop! DON'T HELP ME!
dr050526 -- Our new readers may be wondering about the duck... - His name is Bob, and he's not really a duck! He's a rare South American parrot that takes on the characteristics of a duck for survival in the jungle. - At least that's what my kids told
dr050526 -- me. - And it better be true because I hate ducks! On day, I hope to migrate to a different comic strip!
dr050527 -- How many readers do we have, dad? - Research shows we have between 23 and 24 million readers! - We have 23 MILLION to 24 MILLION READERS?? That's not what I said... - I said between 23 and 24 million! Trust me. It's closer to 23!
dr050528 -- This is one of our pets, Wally the Wiener dog! - Wally's legs are so short, when he runs, he never seems to get anywhere! skattle skattle skattle - Of course, we know that in actuality, Wiener dogs are very fast! Right, Wally? skattle skattle
dr050528 -- skattle If you say so! - They're also very smart! E=MC² skattle skattle
dr050529 -- The mail's here, mom! - Good! I need a break from housework! - - There's a special place in the nether regions reserved for people who put confetti in party invitations!
dr050530 -- shake shake Darn! I'm out of ink! - Norman, can I borrow a pencil? - Why, certainly! - Never borrow a pencil from Norman.
dr050531 -- Patrick, will you help me cram for finals? Sure. - Here, quiz me! - Economics. Wednesday at 8:30, in room 213! - Incorrect. It's Thursday at noon in room 621. Dang! Norman's idea of cramming for finals is making sure he knows where to go!
dr050601 -- Dad, you got a really important call while you were out! - I couldn't find a pen and paper, so I wrote it all down on my Etch-A-Sketch! - Unfortunately, a few minutes later, we had an earthquake and it all got erased. Sorry! - I have a whole
dr050601 -- different set of problems than most people!
dr050602 -- - - CREEEEEEEKK! - Looking for a midnight snack, Mr. Why-Can't-I-Lose-Weight? One of these days, I need to lube the pantry door!
dr050603 -- Be careful at the stop sign up ahead, dad! - Sometimes a policeman parks around the corner and nabs people who fail to come to a complete stop! - I don't see him. I guess he's not here, today! - Darn! I wasted a good stop!
dr050604 -- - My cell phone is ringing. beep! - Sorry. Wrong number! - How did you KNOW it was a...oh, yeah, who would ever call YOU? My ambition is to run out of minutes someday!
dr050605 -- COUGH! COUGH! HACK! COUGH! - Ralph! How ya' doin'?? Uh...hi, No-Neck! - What brings you to the doctor's office? Are you sick? No, I'm fine. My wife just made me come in for a check-up. - That's good. You don't want what I've got! I'm sick as
dr050605 -- a dog! - Hey, Fred! DO you know Ralph? No! Nice to...COUGH! ...meet you! - COUGH! HACK! WHEEZE! HACK! WHEEZE! COUGH! - I think you should go to the doctor.
dr050606 -- Sweet! There's one slice of pie left! - This is probably a stupid question, dad, but would you care to split it? - Norm, there's no such thing as a stupid question... - But that was a heck of a nice try!
dr050607 -- Ah ka uhnnathah waa kah nahah laa waah! - WHAT did you say?? Gulp! - I said, I can't understand why I can never lose weight! It's hard to talk with a mouthful of twinkie.
dr050608 -- Let's go on a diet together! - We'll have a contest to see who can lose the most weight! - Come on! Let's go weigh ourselves! OK, just a minute... - Ready! No fair loading your pockets with golf balls!
dr050609 -- - - munch munch munch - Dad, I'm glad you're on a diet, but I think you've been eating too much lettuce!
dr050610 -- What are YOU doing here?? - I'm guarding the refrigerator. - If you attempt to obtain a midnight snack, I have been instructed to quack loudly and alert the household! - I'll share. Brownies are behind the milk!
dr050611 -- Honeybunch, I have a bone to pick with you! - You hid my favorite candy! You put it in the far back of the pantry, down on the bottom shelf! - Didn't you trust me to stick to my diet?? Do you think that I'm so weak that I'd actually... - How
dr050611 -- do you KNOW I hid them? Uhhhhh...
dr050612 -- 45...46...47! - We have 48 items in our cart, and you only have 47... - So you can go ahead of us! Thank you! - I'm not taking you shopping anymore! I have lots of coupons!
dr050613 -- Mom and dad are having a contest to see who can lose the most weight! - She seems to be taking it more seriously than him! For your information, twelve hours of watching TV burns up as many calories as one hour of jogging!
dr050614 -- Stupid scale! It says I GAINED a pound! - How can that be?! I've been starving myself ever since we started our diet contest! - Maybe the scale is adjusted to high, honeybunch! - Nope, it says I've LOST three pounds!
dr050615 -- Dang it! I've gained another half a pound! - Last week I started a contest with Ralph to see who could lose the most weight. - And after all this time, what do I have to show for it?? - A skinny husband! flex flex!
dr050616 -- Ralph, I can't believe it! - How did you lose so much weight?! - I severely cut my donut intake! - I'm down to half a dozen per day!
dr050617 -- You should be HAPPY that I've lost weight, honeybunch! - I'm disappointed with myself! I've been eating celery for ten days, and I haven't lost an ounce! - Don't worry, honeybunch! Even though I'm now a fabulous hunk, I'll always continue to
dr050617 -- walk by your side. - For one thing, it's shady!
dr050618 -- I'm home! Ralph! What happened?? - You're FAT again!! - I know. That new buffet opened across town! - On the bright side, at least now I won't need to replace my entire wardrobe! Burp!
dr050619 -- Hey! Let's get this shirt for dad for Father's Day! World's #1 Dad - "World's Number One Dad"? Isn't that kind of unrealistic? - Why? Well, think about it... - There are more than 6 billion people in the world, so there must be at least a
dr050619 -- couple of billion dads! - Dad couldn't possibly be the world's number ONE dad! And he warned us never to exaggerate! - If he's not number one, where does he rank? Well, it's safe to say he's in the top billion... - Happy Father's Day! Thanks
dr050619 -- for the ringing endorsement, kids. World's 34,892,671 Dad It's a good thing you wear an "XXL"!
dr050620 -- Ticket Booth Five tickets please. I heard they opened a new thrill ride at this amusement park! - "The Dirigible Of Doom." It's so shocking, it's supposed to make your hair stand on end! - HOW much?? It can't be any more shocking than the
dr050620 -- ticket booth.
dr050621 -- It's a crowded day at the amusement park! - I can't tell if we're in Future Land, Wild West Land or Dinosaur Land! We're obviously in Future Land. - How can you tell? They've got a serious overpopulation problem!
dr050622 -- So far, all we've done at this amusement park is wait in lines! - I give up! You guys can wait in line! I'm going to sit down! - Great. There's even a line for the bench!
dr050623 -- I can't understand why dad dislikes amusement parks! I can't either! - He seems to fit right in! Quit following me around! I'm not a character!
dr050624 -- How come you're scared to go on the fast rides, dad? I'm not scared! - I already went on one fast ride today! Did you? Which one? - You know, that long, snake-like ride with all the people inside! - You mean the parking lot tram? Man, I
dr050624 -- thought I was gonna lose my lunch!
dr050625 -- Well, we're all tired, but we had a fun day at the amusement park! - It will feel good to get home and crawl in bed! - Assuming we ever remember where we parked the car! Don't worry, dad. I had the presence of mind to leave our lights on!
dr050626 -- Whoa...I don't feel so good! Maybe you should see a doctor! They have a first-aid station over by the castle! - Loony Land First Aid - I'd like to see the doctor! Sign in and wait your turn! - I'm sick! Sign in and wait your turn! - Mr.
dr050626 -- Jones, the doctor will see you now! That's me! - Hey, I was here first! How come he gets to go before me?? - I used my "Speedy Pass" ticket! Never get sick at an amusement park!
dr050627 -- WHOOSH WHOOSH - pant pant pant - whoosh whoosh whoosh whoosh - Summer's going to be over in two months, you know! Maybe YOU'D like to blow up the pool!
dr050628 -- WHOOSH WHOOSH WHOOSH - WHOOSH WHOOSH WHOOSH - Done! wheeze pant pant pant wheeze wheeze pant I forgot to mention, you could've used a blow dryer!
dr050629 -- How was your baseball game, Patrick? - Great! I won the game with a "walk-off" double! Way to go! - I hit a "walk-off" double when I was in little league, too! - Yeah, but unfortunately, the game wasn't over when you walked off! No wonder the
dr050629 -- coach was so upset!
dr050630 -- DING DONG - Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf! - Relax, Wally! That was just the TV! - Jeepers! How dumb can you get? Why would a TV be ringing our doorbell?
dr050701 -- - - Wally, if you're going to jump off the diving board, you've got to commit to it!
dr050702 -- What flavor of dog food should I buy for Wally? - It doesn't matter. - Of course it matters! If he doesn't like it, he might not eat it! - How about the chicken with rice? Get something that tastes like my cushion insoles. He ate those
dr050702 -- yesterday!
dr050703 -- When we get home, remind me to check your father's pedometer! - What's a pedometer?? It's a little device that measures how far you walk! I bought it for him yesterday. - The doctor told him he needs to walk at least two miles a day in order
dr050703 -- to lose weight! I can't wait to see how far he's gone today! - OK, Ralph! Show me the pedometer! - - 3.46 miles! Good for you!! - All those trips to the refrigerator really add up!
dr050704 -- - - - Sometimes I think my kids just see me as a walking ATM!
dr050705 -- - poink! I'm free! - Hey guys! Wait for me! Losing one's hair can be a demoralizing experience!
dr050706 -- - One...two...three... - ABANDON HEAD! - My hairs are like rats deserting a sinking ship!
dr050707 -- June! It's so nice to see you again! What brings you to the little league fields? - My son Patrick! In fact, that's him batting against your son, Hunter! - Really?? What a coincidence! Excuse me for one moment... - STRIKE HIM OUT, HUNTER!!
dr050707 -- CLOBBER IT, PATRICK!!
dr050708 -- STRIKE HIM OUT, HUNTER! TAKE HIM DOWNTOWN, PATRICK!! - Strike three! YES! YES! YES! - 'bye, June! I'll see you at the book club next month! - Friendships that stand the test of time are nothing compared to friendships that stand the test of
dr050708 -- little league!
dr050709 -- You hate me, don't you? Of course not! - You're OK. I just don't find you particularly exciting or compelling. - But you're better than nothing. - Great. I'm the human equivalent of interleague baseball.
dr050710 -- Ralph! Ralph Drabble! Long time, no see! - Hey, how ya' doin? - Great, Ralph! What's new? Oh, nothing much, Bill! - How's the family, Ralph? The family is great, Frank! How about yours? - Just fine, Ralph! Thanks for asking! You're welcome,
dr050710 -- Jerry! - Well, it's nice to see you again, Ralph! Same here, Vinny! - Say hello to the missus, Ralph! Will do, Enrique! - Something tells me you couldn't remember his name! I hope it wasn't too obvious!
dr050711 -- - - You're being awfully quiet, Norman. - Sorry, I guess I... DON'T SPOIL IT!!!
dr050712 -- - Leonardo DiCaprio??? - Hello?? - Wendy answers her phone more often since I got "Fake Caller I.D."!
dr050713 -- No, don't hire painters, mother... - I'm sure Ralph would LOVE to paint your house! WHAT?! - SWERVE! - Not only is it dangerous to drive while talking on a cell phone, it's dangerous to drive while your WIFE is talking on a cell phone!
dr050714 -- You sure bought lots of stuff! Do we really NEED all this? - Are you implying that I'm a compulsive shopper?? - Not at all! - But, just out or curiosity, why did you by two canes? We're going to be old one day, and they were on sale!
dr050715 -- How was the movie? - According to the Ralph Drabble Rating System, it was a seven. - A seven is pretty good, right? No, a seven is terrible! - Your father judges a movie by how many times he gets up to go to the bathroom.
dr050716 -- I give up! I'm a weak man! - Ahh... Pork rinds! - So much for dad's "starvation" diet! That was the longest hour and 45 minutes of my life!
dr050717 -- ? - Next! ? - ? - Paper or plastic? - - Life is no picnic when you suffer from chronic indecisiveness. Actually, that's not true. Well, maybe it is!
dr050718 -- I got a big promotion at the mall! - After 15 distinguished years of fighting crime, I have been promoted to assistant supreme mall cop commander! - Wow! Does that mean you'll get a raise? Even better... - I get to wear a cape!
dr050719 -- Why do you wear a cape on the job, dad? - Watch how cool I look when I run. - - PANT WHEEZE PUFF HE looks cool until he stops running!
dr050720 -- Look! It's "Mall Cop Man"! - He's in a hurry! There must be an emergency in the mall! - Or else it's lunch-time and he's trying to beat the rush! First in line!
dr050721 -- How did you get to be "Mall Cop Man"? - I came to this mall to help ensure truth, justice and a top-notch shopping experience! - I achieves superhero status as a result of my heroic actions during the recent midnight madness sale! Wow! - If
dr050721 -- you don't write your own story, someone else will write it for you!
dr050722 -- Another day's work is done. - "Mall Cop Man" will now hop into the Mall Cop-Mobile and return to his secret lair! chirp! - O the road, an adoring public waves to express its appreciation! - Or maybe it's just because my cape is caught in the
dr050722 -- door!
dr050723 -- DING! - - DING! - Aakk! Mall cops wearing capes may not be a good idea!
dr050724 -- Here you go, No-Neck! BAP!  - BOP! - BAM! - That makes the score three to tone! Let's just play to five, I'm kind of pooped! Do you think "Fat Guy Beach Volleyball" will ever catch on? I hope not!
dr050725 -- By the way, last night on the news, they showed a beached whale being rolled back into the ocean. - I wonder what made you think of that? Beats me! You two are liable to be on the news, yourselves!
dr050726 -- I wonder why people always bring so much stuff to the beach? Beats me... - Ask dad! I hate to disturb him during "Raymond."
dr050727 -- Everyone needs sunscreen! - Whenever you're at the beach, it's important to protect your skin! - I'd say we're protected, mom! Better safe than sorry!
dr050728 -- You need more sunscreen! - What is it about mom that makes her want to put sunscreen on us all the time?? It's maternal instinct! - Moms have a natural inclination to protect everyone from getting sunburned. - ...whether she knows them or
dr050728 -- not! Hey, lady! Why are you putting sunscreen all over me?? Have you never heard of global warming?
dr050729 -- Who else at this beach needs sunscreen?! - How about you? NO, thank you, I don't like sunscreen! - Lady, I don't WANT any sunscreen!! Hold still! You'll thank me when you're old!! You might not believe this, but when I married your mom, she
dr050729 -- was fairly normal!
dr050730 -- Are you wearing two pairs of glasses?? Yes, reading glasses and sunglasses. - Why? Because I'm outside and I'm reading. - OK, but shouldn't you be wearing the sunglasses over the reading glasses? No. - Why? Because that would be stupid!
dr050731 -- This has been a test of the emergency broadcast system. - We repeat: this was only a test! Never mind! My mistake! Everybody, go back to bed!
dr050801 -- THIS IS YOUR FINAL WARNING! PULL OVER IMMEDIATELY! - LEADING ME ON A HIGH_SPEED PURSUIT WILL ONLY COMPOUND YOUR PROBLEMS! - How do I pull over on an escalator?? You should have thought of that before ignoring the "Please Use Handrail" sign!
dr050802 -- Look at the picture I drew, daddy! Wow, Penny! - What is it? It's a picture of a mommy, and a daddy! - Which one is which? The daddy is the one with earrings, and the mommy is the one with tattoos! - Duh! Times have changed since I was a kid!
dr050802 -- CONTINENTS have changed since you were a kid!
dr050803 -- ka-pock! pa-kop! - WHAM! - Next! We can beat dad at every video and computer game. Ping-pong is all he has left!
dr050804 -- Dad, I saw a new invention today that will revolutionize the communications industry! - On a street corner, I saw a booth with a TELEPHONE inside, that could be activated simply by dropping coins in a slot! - What a great idea! It's obvious
dr050804 -- for people who have forgotten their cell phones! - The future is now, isn't it, son! What an amazing time to be alive!
dr050805 -- I'm excited that you agreed to go out with me tonight, Wendy! - I thought it might be fun to go to the Minimart for a cherry slush, and then watch ourselves in the security monitor! - I need an Aspirin. Why? Do you have a migraine? - No, but
dr050805 -- the Aspirin takes half an hour to work, and by then, I probably will!
dr050806 -- - Ralph, why do you stand here and stare into the refrigerator all night long? - Don't exaggerate! I do not stare into the refrigerator all night long! - Just until icicles form on my nose!
dr050807 -- Wow! This dog food is really GOOD! I could get used to eating this! Mm-MMM!! - I've always wondered what dogs dream about when they're having nightmares! whimper whimper whimper!
dr050808 -- Munch munch munch - Hey, don't double-dip! That's unsanitary! - I didn't get enough dip on it! You need to dip your chip well enough to cover it the first time! - Like this!
dr050809 -- My hair is turning gray. - Gray hair runs in my family! - - In your case, it seems to be running away!
dr050810 -- Look! Another one of dad's hairs is about to fall out! - bink! - Very nice! - 9.5 10 Smart alecks!
dr050811 -- - What are you doing? We're watching dad's hair fall out! - There they go! bink bink bink boink! - It's kind of like watching lemmings! I'll be glad when school starts again!
dr050812 -- Ralph, I can't believe you ate all the chocolate dough! - That was selfish and inconsiderate! - If you ever do that again, you may or may not live to regret it! Sorry. - How did that go? Let's just say I got the last word!
dr050813 -- What's up with this stupid remote entry device?? - I hate modern technology!! How come it won't unlock the door?! It only unlocks the CAR door, Ralph! - Oh, yeah, huh! It's been a long day, hasn't it?
dr050814 -- - - - - - Poor dad. When we go to the amusement park, he never wants to go on any of the rides! I'm sure he finds ways to entertain himself while we're waiting in line!
dr050815 -- Wow!! This is AMAZING!! - Awesome! Spectacular! Breathtaking!! You mean, this is IT??
dr050816 -- Isn't Niagara Falls amazing?! For thousands of years, water has poured into the river below! - Just THINK about it! - How come the water never runs out? Why doesn't the river overflow? Can you imagine their monthly water bill? OK, OK...stop
dr050816 -- thinking about it!
dr050817 -- Isn't it exciting, Ralph?! - This boat will take us to get a close-up view of the falls! - WHAP - THAT'S CLOSE ENOUGH!!
dr050818 -- ...I'm telling you I can't sleep with all that noise! - There's nothing you can do about it?? - Then this is the last time I intend to stay at this hotel? Goodbye! - Honeybunch, they can't turn off Niagara Falls at night! I don't expect them
dr050818 -- to turn it off, just down a little!
dr050819 -- We're coming to the border checkpoint... - The officer will have to ask us a number of questions before we can return to our country. No need to be nervous or intimidated! Just answer the questions calmly! - State your country of citizenship.
dr050819 -- Haaminna haaminna haminna...
dr050820 -- What was the purpose of your vacation, Mr. Drabble? - We just wanted to see Niagara Falls from the other side! Honest! - Are you carrying any weapons in your car? Absolutely not! - What's about that thing in the trunk, dad? It's just a
dr050820 -- crowbar! Step out of the vehicle, please.
dr050821 -- I love the buffet! - booble-oodle-oop! - Hello? - Hi, Ralph! Will you please pick me up a slice of cantaloupe and a blueberry muffin while you're up? - - Thank you, Ralph. Have I mentioned lately that I hate cell phones?
dr050822 -- The key to a successful visit to New York City is not to look like tourists! - So I went out and bought some things that will help us look like native New Yorkers! - Are you sure native New Yorkers wear statue of liberty hats? Trust me! We'll
dr050822 -- blend right in!
dr050823 -- Excuse me...where can we catch the subway? - Down those steps. Really? - Wow! Who would've guessed it was underground?? We might have waited on that street corner all day!
dr050824 -- What a fun we had in New York city! - Tomorrow should be even more fun! Good night, Ralph! click! - - Still thinking about your first New York city cab ride? Has the car stopped yet?
dr050825 -- knock knock knock Yes? Mail for Norman Drabble. - Mail for ME?? Thank you, my good man! - "Dear Norman, I'm having a wonderful time on your vacation. Don't hurry back. Regards, Wendy." - How thoughtful! Norman's the only person I know who
dr050825 -- GETS post cards on vacation!
dr050826 -- Hey, the light isn't green yet, but everyone is crossing the street! - Pedestrians don't always wait for green lights in New York city! - Is that so? Well, it's a good thing Ralph Drabble is in town! - CITIZEN'S ARREST!
dr050827 -- Kids, this is the Empire State Building! - This is the building that King Kong climbed! - Did King Kong REALLY climb up this building? Of course not, Penny. It was just a movie! - I'm sure it was a stunt monkey!
dr050828 -- Oh, boy! Cookies!! Better not, dad. Mom warned us not to have any before dinner! - Yeah, if she notices any missing, we might get in trouble! - Relax, boys. Watch and learn from the master! - You'll notice these cookies come in a plastic tray,
dr050828 -- in three rows. There are already a few cookies missing. - Now, if we take one cookie, it will be obvious. If we take two cookies, it will be obvious... - But, if we take one cookie from each row, we'll have THREE cookies, and no one will
dr050828 -- notice the difference! Wow! - How did dad get to be so smart? Apparently, the same way he got to be so fat!
dr050829 -- Airport terminals are fun! Yeah...the only thing I don't like about them is that it means we will soon be thousands of feet in the sky with nothing holding us up! - Your father is not an enthusiastic flyer! And why do they have to call then
dr050829 -- TERMINALS?!
dr050830 -- Look out the window, kids! It's the mighty Mississippi! - Principal river of the United States! 2.348 miles of water on an unstoppable journey th the Gulf of Mexico! - Isn't it an amazing sight? - Actually, dad, that's just a crack on the
dr050830 -- asphalt. We haven't taken off, yet! Well, excuse me, Mr. Know-It-All!
dr050831 -- There's not much leg room, is there? - Maybe you'd be more comfortable if you reclined your seat! - These seats recline?? - Sweet!
dr050901 -- Wow! There it is! The Grand Canyon!! - Nature's masterpiece! What a sight to behold! - All right, you've seen it! Now will you please go back to your own seat?! - I hope I never become as jaded as you people!
dr050902 -- It's good to be home! - I can't wait to sleep in my own bed! - What a vacation! I'm exhausted! - You know you had a good vacation when you come home and feel like you need another vacation!
dr050903 -- Come on, Ralph! We're going to watch the videos you took of our vacation! - Whoa! I'm getting dizzy! I don't remember there being an earthquake in New York! Next vacation, YOU GUYS can shoot the videos!
dr050904 -- Come on, Penny! We're all going out for Chinese food! Why! - Because mommy likes Chinese food, so we're all going to the restaurant! Why! - Because we're a family, and you're part of our family, and you're going to come with us! Why? - Penny,
dr050904 -- you need to think more of others and less about yourself! Why? - Because you shouldn't be selfish! - Think of it this way: There is no "I" in "Penny". - No, but there's a "Y"!
dr050905 -- Hello, telethon? May I speak to Jerry, please? - Busy??! He's not busy! I can see him on TV! He's just sitting at his desk listening to some guy sing! - Just tell him Ralph Drabble is on the phone! I'm his biggest fan! I wrote him a letter in
dr050905 -- 1967! - I'm sure he'll  remember me!
dr050906 -- Wow! There's a cute new girl working at the yogurt shop! Here's my chance to make a good first impression! - What can I get for you? - You're pointing to the Dutch chocolate? OK! - Maybe I'll be able to make a good second impression!
dr050907 -- There's a cute new girl working at the yogurt shop! I'll impress her by putting a dollar in her tip jar! - Crud! She didn't see me do it! NOW what should I do?? - Do nothing! Anonymous gifts are the most generous gifts of all! I say reach
dr050907 -- into the jar, pull out the dollar, and give it to her again when she's looking! - How come I always like the "Dumb Norm's" ideas better?
dr050908 -- Darn! She didn't see me put a tip in her jar! Now she'll think I'm a cheapskate! - Maybe I could reach in, pull out the tip, and put it back in when she IS looking! - Great idea! - Bad idea! Now my hand is stuck!
dr050909 -- Yikes! I've got my hand stuck in the tip jar!! - - Did you say you wanted Dutch chocolate or milk chocolate? D...D...Dutch chocolate! - Oh yeah. Why do thinks like this always happen to such an intelligent guy like me??
dr050910 -- I can't believe I got my hand stuck in her tip jar! - I've got to get it off before she sees me! - Here you go! Did I ask for a medium? I meant to say I wanted a large! - No problem. I'll start over! Take your time!!
dr050911 -- Good morning, dad! Mornin', Norm! - I think I'll go out and look for a job today! - But, before I go, I'll make sure to mow the lawn and wash your car! - And after that, I'll clean my room, wash the dishes, and... - EVERYBODY TAKE COVER!!! -
dr050911 -- RRRUMMMBBLE sway sway sway sway - How did you KNOW there was about to be an earthquake?? Norman started acting strangely!
dr050912 -- How did he get his hand stuck in the girl's tip jar? He took my advice and reached in to get his dollar back, so he can put it back in when she's looking! - FOOMP! - What a bonehead! Dang! I forgot to get the dollar! Reach in again!
dr050913 -- I need to get my dollar back out of the tip jar so she can see me give it to her! - Uhhh...could you add a little blueberry, please? OK. - - Here you go! And here's a tip for you! THAT'S THE SNEAKIEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN!
dr050914 -- I SAW THAT! Saw what" - You took a dollar out of her tip jar and put it back in so she'd think YOU gave it to her! No I didn't! - I took a dollar out of her tip jar and put it back in so she'd know I gave it to her! - That's what I said!! No
dr050914 -- it isn't!! Your yogurt is melting.
dr050915 -- I came back to explain what happened yesterday. I put a dollar in your tip jar, but you didn't see it... - So I tried to take it back out so I could give it to you again while you were looking, but I got my hand stuck in the tip jar! So then
dr050915 -- I... - No need to explain! I know exactly what happened. I watched the tape! - Oh, good! If you want to see it, it will be on tonight's installment of "World's Dumbest Humans".
dr050916 -- flip flip flip flip - press press push press . DANG! - One of the dangers of channel surfing is you're liable to run out out of batteries on the surgery channel!
dr050917 -- FOOD R' US - Oh, for heaven's sake... - Just a minute, Ralph! My hair's a mess! Ever since the grocery store put in surveillance monitors, it takes twice as long to shop!
dr050918 -- I baked some brownies for my book club meeting tonight! - I'll put them in the fridge for now. - You won't get into them, will you? - Me?? Of COURSE not! - chirp! LOCK! - It's not that I don't trust you... We have the only refrigerator in
dr050918 -- town with a keyless remote!
dr050919 -- Another school year is underway. - There are tellable signs that this could be a difficult year... - KLUNK! - Like not being able to get my backpack through the front door!
dr050920 -- Too bad about your heavy backpack, son. - When I was your age, my backpack was heavy, too! - Kids would try to lift it, and they were amazed at how heavy it was! - They didn't HAVE backpacks when you were a kid, Ralph! Oh, yeah. It must have
dr050920 -- been my lunch box!
dr050921 -- My stomach is telling me to eat a cookie... - But my brain is telling me not to. - His brain always loses. That's because his stomach is bigger!
dr050922 -- Let's see, now...where should I park the car? - Decisions, decisions... - How about right here! - You know, on second thought... ...Sigh...
dr050923 -- What's today's date? - The twenty-third. - - Of September. - - 2005! Wow, time flies!
dr050924 -- The mail's here, dad! - Trash bill...electric bill...cable bill... - Cell phone bill. - It's a bad sign when a bill comes in a package instead of an envelope.
dr050925 -- HIC! - Darn! Apple pie with chocolate milk didn't help! - I'll try some Rocky Road Ice Cream with root beer! - HIC! - Darn! That didn't work either! Let's see... - OK, I'll eat a plate of nachos while standing on one foot! - HIC! Darn! -
dr050925 -- Maybe eating a chili dog while lying on my back with my eyes closed! - Sometimes I think dad actually enjoys getting the hiccups! He seems to enjoy researching new cures!
dr050926 -- Dad! I got a job as a sign-twirler! Now Renting - I stand on a street corner and twirl this sign to attract the attention of passing motorists! Watch... - - Whoa! I think I'm gonna' hurl! You need to work on your twirling technique!
dr050927 -- Being a sign-twirler will be the easiest job ever! - All I have to do is stand on this street corner for ten hours... - And hold up this sign pointing the way to the new apartments! What a no-brainer!
dr050928 -- Here come some cars. This is a good time to give my sign a big twirl! - - Whoops! - I need to work on those big twirls!
dr050929 -- twirl..twirl... - FLIP! - - At least I'm attracting attention!
dr050930 -- I'm exhausted! I've been twirling this sign for 9 1/2 hours! - Excuse me...what's now renting?? The new apartments! - I don't see any apartments around here! - Isn't this the corner of Fifth and Main??!
dr051001 -- - You're not very animated for a sign-twirler! - Aren't you supposed to dance around to the music in your headphones? - I'm listening to Dr. Laura!
dr051002 -- This is that "Makeover" show, honeybunch! - Look, they're going to take this aging, overweight woman, and transform her into a raving beauty! - Maybe you should consider... - - - - ...sitting down and watching it with me! - Why did you pause
dr051002 -- for such a long time? My life flashed before my eyes!
dr051003 -- Stu! Here! Leonard! Here! - Pocket protectors! Check! Fanny packs! Check! - Then crank up the ABBA CD and let's go! Sweet! - "Dweeb" carpool!
dr051004 -- I can't believe it... - Even though it's rush hour, there's practically no... - DON'T SAY IT!! ...traffic. We told you not to say it!
dr051005 -- Norman, you jinxed it! - Every experienced driver knows never to say there are no cars on the road! - The moment you do, you'll be surrounded by cars! - There are no girls on the road, either. Sorry. It only works on cars!
dr051006 -- Curse this infernal traffic!! Try to maintain a positive attitude, Stu! - Being stuck in traffic can be frustrating, but make use of the time! Try to develop and refine your talents! - Yeah! I could practice my bird calls! And I could
dr051006 -- practice my yodeling! - Awwk! Awwk! Awwk! Odle-oodle-odle-oodle! Curse this infernal traffic!
dr051007 -- We're stuck in traffic! We're going to be tardy for class! - I'll walk in late and everyone will stare at me! - Everyone stares at you when you walk in on time, too! - HEY, YOU WANNA GO?!! Aaahh! A little rush hour traffic can really stress
dr051007 -- out the carpool!
dr051008 -- I'm going shopping, Ralph, and I need some money. - - Goodbye! - smooch! I should've just used the ATM!
dr051009 -- Daddy, why do you have two pairs of glasses hanging on your shirt? They're my sunglasses and my reading glasses! - It's stylish to wear your glasses on your shirt collar! - ...within reason, of course!
dr051010 -- Daddy, when I'm a teenager, can I get a belly button ring? I doubt it. - Dad, would you ever let me go to an "R" rated movie with some of my friends? I doubt it. - Dad, can I get a crossbow for my birthday? I doubt it. - I like to give my
dr051010 -- kids the benefit of the doubt!
dr051011 -- ...Sigh... - I've really let myself go, haven't I? - That's not true, Ralph! - It's not like you ever had much of a grip to begin with.
dr051012 -- Dinnertime! - Sorry! My bad! It usually is.
dr051013 -- TV is no good anymore. - Every program is a reality show! - Imagination and inventiveness are practically gone! - The only thing on TV that isn't a reality show is the news!
dr051014 -- Hi, Wendy! Welcome to the party! - Did you bring chips? Chips?? - I thought you said I was supposed to bring a dip! No, chips! - My mistake. You can go home!
dr051015 -- !!! - !! - !!!! - !!! - !! - 'bye, Dot! - Poor Dot. She has to go to the doctor today! Why? Did you talk her ear off?
dr051016 -- Look out below! - - - - YOUR turn, Wally! - You need to make a stronger commitment!
dr051017 -- - - Hello! - Wow! Mom answered her phone in  0.15 seconds! Amazing! Fastest cell in the west!
dr051018 -- Hmmm...I can't decide which... - ...jacket to wear? - The blue one! - I can't get a word in edgewise, even when I'm talking to myself!
dr051019 -- I love October! The supermarket looks festive! - October means Halloween, football and the World Series! - Yikes! I've got cards to address! Gifts to wrap! Cookies to bake! - It also means Christmas is only two months away!
dr051020 -- ...Sigh... - - HEY; COME ON! LET'S GO! LET'S GO!! - It's a little-known fact that a red light will change if you yell at it loud enough!
dr051021 -- Ralph! We're getting worried of you! - You come here every day at exactly 4:30 and order a Cookie Dough McBlurry! - It's almost 4:37! Where have you been? - I have a life, you know!
dr051022 -- - - Hey, back off! Give me some room, OK?!! - We astronomers need our space!
dr051023 -- 58...59...60! click! - Zero to sixty in twelve seconds! - That's pretty fast, isn't it, dad? It gets faster all the time! GAS Total Price 60.00
dr051024 -- PPPPPFFFF!! - AAAKKK!! - That was awful! - Why do people like to DO that?? You're supposed to catch SNOWFLAKES on your tongue, you moron!
dr051025 -- shred! pick! claw! - Oogie! Did you shred mommy's new sweater?! - You silly kitty! I shouldn't have left it hanging in the closet where you could get it! - I've said it before and I'll say it again:...there are two kinds of people in the
dr051025 -- world: cat lovers and normal people!
dr051026 -- What are you watching, dad? "Frankenstein". - This movie scared me to death when I was a little kid! . I had to sleep with a light on until I was a sophomore in high school! - Z
dr051027 -- This is the best Jack-O'-Lantern I've ever carved! - It's absolutely perfect! It's a work of art! - I'll just carve one more little thing... - Dang it! The key to being a good pumpkin-carver is knowing when to quit!
dr051028 -- Keep Out! Beware! Turn Back Now! Do Not Enter. Go Away! - This Means You! I like your decorations! Those aren't decorations. My mother-in-law likes to drop in unannounced!
dr051029 -- TRICK OR TREAT!! - Thorry, kidth! We theem to be all out of thuckerth!
dr051030 -- Why do they call autumn "fall"? - Because that's when the leaves fall! - Snow falls in the winter! They don't call WINTER "fall"! - Rain falls in the spring! They don't call SPRING "fall"! - Government holidays fall on Mondays, but they don't
dr051030 -- call Monday "FALL"day! - - Well, they don't! As I was saying...
dr051031 -- TRICK OR TREAT! Boy, what great costumes! - Here's one for the ballerina, one for the pirate, and one for the fat slob!
dr051101 -- I've come to the conclusion that Halloween is my favorite holiday. Why? - Because a month after Halloween comes Thanksgiving. And a month after that comes Christmas. - And right after that comes Ne Year's Day, and only three months after
dr051101 -- that, baseball season starts again! - That's why I love Halloween! I can almost taste the hot dogs!
dr051102 -- Every autumn, it's the same thing: rake, rake, rake! - How come I always have to do all the raking?! - Because they're YOUR candy wrappers! Oh, yeah, huh!
dr051103 -- Dad, look what Wally can do! - - ZOT! - What? Forget it!
dr051104 -- Why does Wally always dream that he's running and barking? woof woof - Because that's what he does every day when he's awake! - It's kind of how dad always dreams he's at the drive-thru! chiliburger...no onion...
dr051105 -- Norman, why would you wear a hood on a beautiful autumn day like this? - Because, if I DON'T wear my hood, it fills up with leaves!
dr051106 -- Hi, dad! Where have YOU been? - I read in the paper that a gas station in Buttonwillow was selling regular unleaded for only $1.50 a gallon! - So I drove there and filled the tank! Sweet! - Where's Buttonwillow, anyway? About 300 miles north.
dr051106 -- - You drove 300 miles, filled the tank, and drove back home?? Right. - Is there any gas left in the tank??! - Yeah, it's practically full! - I had to fill it up again at that expensive place down the street!
dr051107 -- Ralph, I think we should buy a new car! - A NEW CAR?? - Do you think I'm made out of money?? - If you were, we could afford a Lamborghini!
dr051108 -- Congratulations! Thanks. - What was that all about? - I received a neighborhood beautification award! What for? - It's in recognition of my decision to start wearing a shirt while doing yardwork!
dr051109 -- No, Wally. I don't want to play with your sock. - I don't want to play with your ball, either. - Hey, that's my new golf glove! Give me that! -
dr051110 -- Would you like me to help you with homework, Patrick? OK . What's the definition of the word EXHORT? - That's easy... - A former HORT! - Would you like me to help dad help you, Patrick?
dr051111 -- ...Sigh... !!!! ?? :...!! - I need to go. There's another call coming in! 'bye! - Dinner? boop! Hello? - Oh, hi! It's hard to get a word in edgewise around here!
dr051112 -- Before I start painting, I want to make sure our stupid cat isn't around! - The last thing I need is for Oogie to walk in here and wreak havoc! - I have no idea where Oogie is? Dang! - Cats: Where are they when you don't need 'em!
dr051113 -- This month's book was "The Call Of The Wild." What did we learn from it? - I learned not to read while I'm eating cheese puffs because the pages turn orange! - I didn't like the book. No pictures! It's easier just to rent the movie! Next
dr051113 -- month, let's read "The Hulk Hogan Story". The last book I read was in the 7th grade! Who cares? I just came here tonight for the free food. OK, let's wrap this up and turn on the basketball game! I told you a men's book club would never work!
dr051114 -- squeak squeak squeeky squeek - No, Wally. I don't want to play with your squeaky ball! - squeaky squeek squeak - What good is having a human if he never wants to play?
dr051115 -- No, Wally. I don't want to play with your sock! - - I don't want to play with MY sock, either!
dr051116 -- - Honeybunch, it's time to go! How much longer will you be? - I'm almost almost ready. - ALMOST almost?? That means I have time to make a sandwich!
dr051117 -- Got any eights? - Go fish! - They're running out of things to put on TV, aren't they? - What's wrong with "Celebrity Fish"?
dr051118 -- I can't believe they actually televise celebrities playing cards. - People will watch celebrities do anything! - That's not true! - Coming up next: "Celebrity Rock-Paper-Scissors." Sweet!
dr051119 -- Hey, get out of my chair! - Crazy dog! - Chairs are for people! - What we have here is an utter disregard for human superiority!
dr051120 -- Stupid gum! - - - - - - - Let me guess...you're turning into a butterfly.
dr051121 -- Lose the remote again, dad? Yeah... - Why doesn't it ever get lost in an obvious place? - Why does it always get lost in some far away, hard.to.find place? - I found it on top of the refrigerator! Now I know why it's called a "remote"!
dr051122 -- Welcome to Down N' Out Burgers! Hey. - That'll be $4.92! I haven't ordered yet!! - OK. Go ahead! One double cheeseburger, one onion ring and a large root beer! - That'll be $4.92! I recognized your voice, Mr. Drabble! Apparently, I come here
dr051122 -- more often than I realized!
dr051123 -- Hello? - - Well, same to you! - Crank call! - - Hello? - Yes, dear. I'm sorry, dear. Yes, dear. I will, dear! - Cranky call!
dr051124 -- - Felling a little bloated, dad? You might say that!
dr091125 -- 'bye grandma! Thanks again for dinner! - How did you like the turkey, Ralph? - cough cough cough! - I think it was undercooked!
dr051126 -- Want to get a burger at the drive-thru, honeybunch? - I don't like going to that burger drive-thru. You go there so often, everyone knows you. It's embarrassing! - Let's get a taco, instead! - Hi, Ralph! The usual?
dr051127 -- Don't step into the car with wet shoes! - shake shake shake - shake shake shake - ? ...Sigh... - shake shake shake - shake shake shake - scratch! scratch! - How's this? Every day, I believe more and more that you take after your mom's side of
dr051127 -- the family!
dr051128 -- I'm going to be FIVE on my next birthday! - Wow! Do you feel old? - Not really! People are healthier and living longer these days! - They say FIVE is the new THREE!
dr051129 -- It's a good thing Zorro's name begins with a "Z". - If it started with a "B" or something, it would take longer to carve his initial into the bad guy's pants! Eat your popcorn, Norman.
dr051130 -- Thanks for the call! - That was Wendy. She wanted to let me know she couldn't go out with me on new year's eve! - You already asked her? No. - That's what I love about her. She's so thoughtful!
dr051201 -- I can't believe it's already here! - I've got so much to do!! - I'm a nervous wreck! - It must be December! They should change the word "MAYhem" and call it "Decemberhem"!
dr051202 -- Ralph, I've decided where I'd like to go for dinner! - Let me guess: seafood! How did you know? - Because that's what I want, and my stomach is always a step ahead of you! - Your stomach is always a step ahead of YOU, too!
dr051203 -- Good morning, Wendy! - Good morning, Norman. - Did you get dressed in the dark again? That's amazing. - How do you always KNOW these things?!
dr051204 -- Soft Serve Ice Cream - - - - - How come everyone in this buffet is staring at me? If you're going to go back to the dessert bar for sevenths, consider taking an alternate route!
dr051205 -- Hello, credit card company? This is Mrs. Drabble... - I need a replacement card. - No, it wasn't lost or stolen... - It melted! The holiday shopping is going well, I take it.
dr051206 -- Where are dad and Norman? They went outside. - I think they're putting up the Christmas decorations. - I think it's cute when they hang out together! -
dr051207 -- Our new barstools are uncomfortable! - Half of me is sitting and half of me is standing! - We need bigger barstools! Either that, or... - OR WHAT?? Nothing. Whoever said "A man can't be two places at once" never saw dad on a barstool!
dr051208 -- - - Hey, let go of my shirt, you stupid cat! - Another reason dogs are better than cats: they're easier to put down!
dr051209 -- Chips and dip, leftover pizza... - Cookies, crackers, and aerosol cheese. - OK, now I'm ready to study! - Norman crams for finals in more ways than one! Oops! I forgot the ice cream.
dr051210 -- I'm back from the mall! - You're hard to shop for! Me?? - I like sweatpants and floral shirts. I need socks and underwear! - Why am I hard to shop for? I don't have any money!
dr051211 -- ...SIGH... What's wrong, mom? - I hate to say it, Penny, but the holidays make me a nervous wreck! - I have so much to do! I have so many gifts to shop for and wrap! - The holidays aren't supposed to make you a nervous wreck! They're supposed
dr051211 -- to make you happy! - I'd rather not have any presents at all than to see you upset! - I know I gave you a long Christmas list, but please don't buy me another thing! Whatever you got for me so far is enough, OK? - Thank you, Penny! I feel
dr051211 -- better already! Good! - Besides, Santa will bring me all the other stuff! He always does!
dr051212 -- Why is there a Poker game on the SPORTS channel?? - Poker isn't a sport! - I don't consider something a sport unless it makes me sweaty! - In that case, bending over to tie your shoes is a sport!
dr051213 -- How about this one? - Nope. Why not?? - It's too short, too wide, and has a big bald spot! - I like it! Probably because it reminds you of you!
dr051214 -- Excuse me, ma'am,,,I overheard you grumbling about the crowds here at the mall. - I'm afraid I'll have to issue you a holiday spirit violation! - HOLIDAY SPIRIT VIOLATION??! Part of the joy of the season is being together with other members
dr051214 -- of your community! - Have a nice day, ma'am, and watch the attitude!
dr051215 -- A HOLIDAY SPIRIT VIOLATION?? What did I do?? You were rude to a sales clerk! That's a no-no this time of the year! - Have a nice day, ma'am. - Issuing a lot of holiday spirit violations this year, dad? I'll say! - Chistmas is more than a
dr051215 -- week away, and I already have writer's cramp!
dr051216 -- A "Holiday Spirit Violation"?? That's correct, sir. - You were observed being "humbuggy"! - So, what's my penalty? Follow me... - Thirty minutes of gift wrap duty!
dr051217 -- - - How come there are no decorations on the bottom of the... - Tree?
dr051218 -- Tell me again what we're doing! We're delivering "Secret Santa" Cookies! - We have a list of families. We'll go to each house, put cookies on their porch, ring the doorbell, and run away! The tag says "from your secret Santa". - The Kehoes
dr051218 -- live right there. Park on the corner and wait for me! - Trust me: this will be fun! - - DING DONG - - Your mom was right. This IS fun!
dr051219 -- - rip rip shred rip! - - Apparently, "holiday spirit violations" are unenforceable at home!
dr051220 -- I wrapped dad's present! - Norman, you should have DISGUISED it! - He'll know it's a bowling ball! - It's a pair of golf shoes. In that case, good job!
dr051221 -- Hey, I recognize this... - It's the fruitcake that the Herreras gave us! - We gave it to the Loys who must have given it to the Edwards, who have given it back to us! - Boy, we have cheap friends! Fruitcake: the gift that keeps on being
dr051221 -- given!
dr051222 -- This fruitcake gets passed around the neighborhood every year because nobody wants it! - Well, now it's the Mitchell's problem! DING DONG - I'm rid of it for another year! -
dr051223 -- - A watched chimney never gets slid down!
dr051224 -- Look! I see a red light moving across the sky!! - I think I hear sleigh bells! Santa must be coming!! - It's late! You'd better go inside and get to sleep, Penny! - Are you kidding?? I've never been so wide awake in my LIFE!! Way to go, dad!
dr051225 -- 12:30 a.m. - 1:00 a.m. - 1:30 a.m. - 2:30 a.m. Z - 3:30 a.m. - 4:00 a.m. - 5:00 a.m. - 5:30 a.m. rattle rattle! - 7:00 a.m. It's Christmas morning! I can't believe she isn't awake already! Z
dr051226 -- But Christmas was YESTERDAY! - The holidays officially run through the first of the year! - Holiday Spirit Violations Issued 1293 Dang!
dr051227 -- You bought a new shampoo! - "Hair Thickener"?? - It makes it look like you have more hair. Sweet! - Just don't spill any on your back!
dr051228 -- I'd like to call Wendy and ask her out for new year's eve! - But when I call, she's going to see my name appear on her cell phone, and she won't answer it! - - Here, YOU call!
dr051229 -- Hi, Wendy. It's me, Norman! - I wondered if you might like to go out with me on new year's eve! - - Well, do you know anyone else who might like to?
dr051230 -- BAD KITTY! - Oogie just clawed my new sweater! - I like cats. They make people appreciate dogs!
dr051231 -- - ACHOO! -Dang! - I just can't seem to shake this cold! - That was really dumb! It must be one of our year-end close-out jokes!
dr060102 -- Z - fwee! - Z - Something tells me dad did a little too much partying over the holidays! fwee! I've never seen anyone pass out from too many pork rinds!
dr060103 -- How about if we turn off some of these lights around here?!! click! - Who opened a soda and then only drank half of it?! We're not made out of money, you know! - What's with dad? It's normal for January! - He's got the
dr060103 -- "Christmas-bills-will-be-arriving-any-day-now! jitters! Who turned the thermostat up so high?!
dr060104 -- I'm warning you! I'm not in the mood for any trouble! - squeak! - Good mailbox! - No Christmas bills, yet!
dr060105 -- I hate opening the mailbox in January! squeak! - January mail usually includes many large bills! - SMOOCH SMOOCH - January makes you appreciate a box full of junk mail!
dr060106 -- Where's dad? Beats me. - He went outside an hour ago to check the mail, and I haven't seen him since. - - The Christmas bills have arrived! Could someone lift the Zundel's department store bill of my chest?
dr060107 -- HEY, GET DOWN FROM THERE! - You dumb cat! - You got cat hair all over my easy chair! - What kind of hair am I SUPPOSED to get all over his easy chair??
dr060109 -- Officer Drabble! That woman over there just took a piece of candy from the bin and ATE it! - That's theft! i insist you arrest her! ARREST her?? Aw, gee...I don't... - Officer Drabble, it is your sworn duty to upheld the law! ...sigh...oh,
dr060109 -- all right. - You have the right to remain silent...
dr060110 -- Honeybunch, you were observed taking a malt ball from the bin and eating it. - I'm afraid I'll have to run you in! Very funny, Ralph. - It's no joke. Society must take a stand! Ralph, it was jut a little malt ball! - Today it's a malt ball,
dr060110 -- tomorrow it's a jewelry heist! come with me!
dr060111 -- Honeybunch, to pay your debt to society, you'll have to serve time in the jail. MALL JAIL?!! - Ralph, I just ate one little malt ball! i thought I could sample them! - Don't worry. With time off for good behavior, you could be out here in an
dr060111 -- hour or two! - Ralph Drabble, when you get home tonight, you're really gonna' get it! Something tells me I'll be home before you, honeybunch!
dr060112 -- How's it going, honeybunch? - you know, I'm really sorry that I had to arrest you. You forgive me, don't you? - One day you'll thank me. Remember, there's still time to turn your life around! Am I right? - I see you're taking me up on your
dr060112 -- right to remain silent!
dr060113 -- honeybunch, you've got another hour to serve in the mall jail, but it's quitting time for me! - no-Neck will take over guarding your call! - I'll see you when you get home! I'll tie a yellow ribbon around the tree for you! Hee hee! - Good
dr060113 -- luck!
dr060114 -- Kids, I have something to tell you... - I had to arrest your mom at the mall, and she's currently incarcerated in the mall jail. - MOMMY is in the JAIL?? I'm afraid so, Penny! - Does this mean we can have fast food for dinner? you betcha'1
dr060114 -- Let's go!
dr060116 -- When will mom be home? She's due to be paroled from the mall jail in twenty minutes! RING! - Hello? Yes, this is Ralph! - WHAT?!! - Put away the pizza and ice cream! You mom just busted out of the slammer!!
dr060117 -- Dad, what happened? You mom busted out of the mall jail! - How??! No-Neck was guarding her cell... - Apparently, she overpowered him and stole his key! - That's hard to believe! Not really...No-Neck is very ticklish!
dr060118 -- I can't believe mom escaped from the mall jail! I knew I should've put her in solitary! - How will we ever find her? Relax! Wally The Wiener Dog is hot on her trail! sniff sniff! - - I just hope we find her before the police chopper! sniff
dr060118 -- sniff
dr060119 -- Wally says your mom's trail leads to Mrs. Mosley's home! - Why would she break out of the mall jail and go to Mrs. Mosley's house?? - What could have been so important that she would risk...wait a minute, what day is it? Thursday. - It's BOOK
dr060119 -- CLUB Night!!
dr060120 -- ATTENTION, BOOK CLUB! - YOU ARE HARBORING AN ESCAPEE FROM THE MALL JAIL! - COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP, HONEYBUNCH! - AND BRING ME A SLICE OF MRS. MOSELY'S CHEESECAKE!
dr060121 -- All's well that ends well, right, honeybunch? - You escaped from the mall jail, but you surrendered peacefully! So, the judge showed mercy and let you come home! - Everything is good now, isn't it?! - The ankle bracelet is a little
dr060121 -- uncomfortable! You only need to wear it until august!
dr060123 -- Oh, boy! Chips and dip! - Remember, Ralph, no double-dipping! - SCOOP! - No problem!
dr060124 -- What's wrong, honeybunch? sniff! - My uncle Fred passed away! Awww! - So, what's for dinner` - Ralph, how can you be so insensitive?? I said !Awww"!
dr060125 -- Poor uncle Fred! HONK - Why did he have to go?! Why couldn't he have lived just a few more years??! - It's not fair! It's just not fair!! Honeybunch... - Uncle Fred was 112! - Yes, but he didn't look a day over 106!
dr060126 -- Honeybunch, I'm sorry if I seemed callous about your uncle Fred. - What happened to uncle Fred? He died unexpectedly. He DIDN'T die unexpectedly!! He was 112!! - Sorry again. YOU may not go unexpectedly, either!
dr060127 -- snnnniffff! - Ahhh! Cherry pie! - I like to come into the candle shop and sniff all the scented candles! - Try not to think about how many people have stuck that under their nose! Ahhh! Lasagna!
dr060128 -- Have a seat in the waiting room, Mr. Drabble. The doctor will see you shortly. - sniffle! sniffle! snuff! - ASHOO! - Bless me. Snort!
dr060130 -- - wah ha ha ha ha ha! - - This picture is even WORSE! ha ha ha People with camera phones can be very annoying!
dr060131 -- It's coming down again. - Wendy, you know I think the world of you, but I must say, that's one of the dumbest statements I've ever heard! - Of course it's coming DOWN!! Where ELSE does rain go??!! - I was referring to your zipper. Oh, yeah,
dr060331 -- huh!
dr060201 -- I refuse to call! I refuse to humiliate myself over and over! - Aw, what the heck... - Hi, Wendy! I wonder if you'd care to go out with me tonight! - Dang! If Norman were an insect, he'd fly right into the bug zapper!
dr060202 -- Hi, Wendy. I'm calling again to invite you to dinner. - Before you say NO, just hear me out. I have three little words that may change your mind... - McRIBS ARE BACK! - Dang! Did you mention it's for a limited time only?
dr060203 -- Nothing is quite as intimidating as calling a girl to ask for a date! - She's not answering. That's OK. Sometimes it's easier just to leave a message! - Hi, this is Wendy. Leave your name and number and I'll call you back. If this is Norman
dr060203 -- calling, no I don't want to go out with you! - ...and sometimes it's not.
dr060204 -- Are you going to call Wendy and ask for a date again? - Nope, I'm too chicken! - Asking a girl can be extremely intimidating! - That must be why they call it "dating".
dr060206 -- Ralph, guess what! What? - I got whistled at! - Really?????????? - One too many question marks.
dr060207 -- Hi. Don't call me for the next two hours! - beep beep boop beep - Hi. Don't call me for the next two hours. - I hate it when the theater asks us to silence our cell phone! beep boop beep Something tells me there's an easier way!
dr060208 -- Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies, Mr. Drabble? - Uhh...sorry, I'm watching my weight! - - Seriously, would you like to buy some girl scout cookies? Sure, why not?!
dr060209 -- Handscooped Ice Cream - - -
dr060210 -- skattle skattle skattle skattle - CRASH! RIP! - I KNEW there was a reason why we shouldn't have installed a screen door!
dr060211 -- - - - Never stand on a swivel stool to change a light bulb!
dr060213 -- ...No, that's OK, Wendy. I understand that you already have plans. - I should've called sooner. Maybe next year. 'bye! - It IS kind of short notice to be asking her out for Valentine's Day! - I was asking her out for next NEW YEAR'S EVE!
dr060214 -- Happy Valentine's Day, honeybunch! - It's the watch I wanted for Christmas, bur didn't get! - Thank you, Ralph! All is forgiven! - I finally figured out why they put Valentine's Day so soon after Christmas!
dr060215 -- Mom, look at the snowman we made! It looks just like dad! - It DOES look like your dad! - ...except it's too skinny! - We ran out of snow! We'll finish next time there's a blizzard!
dr060216 -- Look, Oogie! Go get it! - A string? Big deal! How dumb do you think I am?? Am I supposed to think it's alive?? - I know the difference between... - WHOA! WHAT'S THAT??! Cats are fun!
dr060217 -- How was your date with Nina, Stu? - I don't think she'll go out with me again. - I have a feeling I'm the most boring person she's ever met! What makes you think that? - She said "you're the most boring person I've ever met." Trust your
dr060217 -- feelings!
dr060218 -- So, Nina actually said you're the most boring person she's ever met? - Yeah, but she won't be able to say it for long! I intend to do something to change that! - Good for you, Stu! That's the spirit! - What are you going to do? Introduce her
dr060218 -- to YOU!
dr060220 -- Swish! 40 baskets! - 41 baskets! - That's 82 points!!! - TAKE THAT, KOBE!! Of course, it took Norman four hours!
dr060221 -- PLINK PLINK - - Very realistic! Except I gave him too much hair!
dr060222 -- Where's my uniform?? - ...Sigh... - We thought it might cut down on door-to-door solicitors! Did I mention I'm late for work?
dr060223 -- Hello? Hello. Who's this? - What do you mean, "who's this?" YOU called ME!! You need to tell me who YOU are! - My cell phone says you tried to call me! Who ARE you?? Why would I call someone I don't know?? - Modern technology bringing
dr060223 -- strangers together!
dr060224 -- Dear Grandma, Thank you for the sweater you gave me for Christmas. - This thank-you note is a little late! - Didn't grandma give you that sweater TWO Christmases ago? - I told you it was late!
dr060225 -- - Uh-oh! My drink left a ring! - squeaky-squeak! - Reason #217 why men like to wear socks around the house!
dr060227 -- ...six TV remotes, four pairs of sunglasses... - An overdue library book, three 8-track tapes... - We should clean under the sofa cushions more often! Sweet! My big Bertha!
dr060228 -- Just TRY to guard me! dribble dribble - Isn't it rather unfair to play one-on-one against such a pathetic opponent? - Actually, he's not so bad! I was talking to the duck!
dr060301 -- Your defense is no match for my skills! Watch... - - SLAM! - Faked him out of his feathers!
dr060302 -- He shoots... - BLOCK - You stupid duck! Who do you think you are, SHAQ?? - Quack!
dr060303 -- You can't guard me, you stupid duck! dribble dribble - See? Ha ha ha ha! - KICK! - FLAGRANT FOWL! You can't say THAT again!
dr060304 -- OK, I'm officially steamed! - You haven't done your chores because you've been watching BASKETBALL all weekend! - That makes me really really angry! - Welcome to "March Madness"!
dr060306 -- Hey, Patrick, will you show me how to retrieve messages on my cell phone? Sure, dad. - Patrick, how do you program the VCR? - Say, Patrick, show me again how to print something! - Need me to help you with your homework, Patrick? Thanks, but
dr060306 -- no.
dr060307 -- KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK! - BARK BARK bark bark bark bark bark bark bark BARK BARK BARK bark bark - Wally, you dumb dog! Why do you have to bark every time someone knocks at the door?! - Just trying to save lives, ma'am!
dr060308 -- The word's largest donut weighed 5,000 pounds. - Although the Dutch are generally credited with inventing the donut, archaeologists have discovered petrified donuts in the prehistoric ruins in the southwest U.S.! - Dad can certainly expand
dr060308 -- on the donuts! He can and does. Thank goodness for sweatpants!
dr060309 -- beep beep beep - bop! - Quit playing with your cell phone and do your homework! - Now THAT was a text message!
dr060310 -- For dinner we're having salad with no dressing! - Our eating habits are going to change around here, by golly! - No more snacking! No more desserts! We're going to get serious about eating right! - If mom ever asks you if she looks fat in her
dr060310 -- new dress, the correct answer is "no"!
dr060311 -- Do this, do that! Go here, go there! - There's just not enough of me to go around! - - There's not enough of my belt to go around, either!
dr060313 -- - - - Mom lost her voice! It shouldn't be too hard to find, you can hear it all over the neighborhood!
dr060314 -- You have LARYNGITIS, honeybunch?? - So, that means you can't talk?? - - Pinch me.
dr060315 -- Hello, doctor! My wife has Laryngitis. She wants to know what she can do to get her voice back! - Tell her to take Aspirin, use a humidifier, and drink warm liquids. - If she stays hydrated and gargles with saltwater, she should have her
dr060315 -- voice back in no time! - He says there's nothing you can do!
dr060316 -- Hello? ...yes, she's fine. Thank you for asking. She just has a touch of laryngitis! - Yes, I realize the financial impact. I hope layoffs won't be necessary! - Thanks for your concern. - Your cell phone company wishes you a speedy recovery!
dr060317 -- Mom has laryngitis. I know! - Dad thought he'd have a quiet, peaceful day around the house since she couldn't talk. - Then she remembered sticky notes. scribble scribble scribble Honeybunch, you've already lost your voice. Don't get the
dr060317 -- writer's cramp!
dr060318 -- sprinkle sprinkle - twist! - DUMP! - That's more like it! Dad, there's a reason why they're called "Sprinkles".
dr060320 -- sniff! - There are 672 seats in this theater! - You're not exactly into this movie, are you? There were 716 seats in the theater where you made me see that OTHER "chick flick".
dr060321 -- Ralph, quit dozing off! - Watch the movie! I AM watching it! - I'm on the edge of my seat! - A man of my size is ALWAYS on the edge of his seat!
dr060322 -- munch munch munch - Will you please stop all that munching?!! - How am I supposed to eat popcorn without munching?! - munch munch SHHH!! You're just jealous 'cause I've got teeth!
dr060323 -- I'm telling you for the last time: stop that loud munching!! - I've had just about enough of you! Would you care to step outside? - Absolutely! Good! - Now, stay out there until the movie is over!
dr060324 -- Daggnabit! Are you going to step outside with me or not?! - Fine! Let's go, grandpa! Ralph! - Sorry, honeybunch, but a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do! - Thanks again for getting us out of that "chick flick"! We men have to stick
dr060324 -- together! Care for a milk dud?
dr060325 -- May I take your order, please? Two happy meals... - One unhappy meal, one clueless meal... - And one fat guy meal! That'll be $17.46 - Ordering for my family is a lot easier here since they simplified the menu!
dr060327 -- - They gotcha'! Now I know why they have those cameras at intersections!
dr060328 -- Uh-ho...here comes your father back from the self-service ice cream machine. - Pretend that we don't know him! The lever got stuck, OK??!
dr060329 -- Honeybunch, what are you crying about? I have so much to do! - I volunteered to be team mom! I volunteered to help at the library! sniff! - On top of all that, I volunteered to host book club on Thursday! - HONK! Now I know why  they're
dr060329 -- called volun-TEARS!
dr060330 -- *beep* Message 7... - Hi, Ralph! It's No-Neck! I just wanted to invite you to our new year's eve party! - Let's ring in 2004 in style!! - I really need to check this answering machine more often!
dr060331 -- Hi, Leonard! - "DRABBLE ALERT!" - How embarrassing! - That's the new code for "your zipper is open"! I guess it's nice to be known for something!
dr060401 -- Ralph, why on earth did you by yourself a DONUT? - I couldn't help it, honeybunch... - I looked in the window and this one had my name on it! - It should've had your cholesterol level on it!
dr060403 -- - Spain has "The Running Of The Bulls"... - Around here, we have "The Running Of The Wiener Dogs"! ARF ARF arf arf arf ARF arf ARF arf arf
dr060404 -- - Stupid cell phone! - Hello? I think you're due for an upgrade!
dr060405 -- WHIRRRRR! - - WHIRRRRRR! - Are you sure you should be putting sliced cheese in dad's paper shredder? Do you want tacos for lunch or don't you?
dr060406 -- Good ol' Wally! I heard on the radio that dog owners live longer. - claw claw pick pick claw HEY, QUIT WRECKING MY CHAIR! But if you also own a cat, it evens out!
dr060407 -- Do I have to? Yes, Ma'am. - If you don't, I'll have to take you into custody. - I realize you don't like your driver's license photo, but I still need to see it! How about my ATM card? Can I show you that instead?
dr060408 -- Come on, everybody! We're going to be late! Let's go! - We'll be there in two minutes! That's what you said two minutes ago! - Get down here IMMEDIATELY!! OK, just a second! - My immediate family is not so immediate!
dr060410 -- Look out, son! - It's pretty impressive that the donut shop rolls out the red carpet for you! The yogurt shop gives me my own parking space!
dr060411 -- On your mark, get set, GO - whirrrrrr - whirrrrrrrr - My hands are dry first! I KNEW it!
dr060412 -- whirrrrr! - - whirrrrrr! - I enjoy mindless work! You've certainly got the mind for it!
dr060413 -- One Veggie-Burger, please! - You don't like Veggie-Burgers, dad! I know. This drive-thru never gets my order right... - So, if I order what I DON'T want, at least I know I won't get it! - Bingo! A chili-cheeseburger! That'll work!
dr060414 -- Hello, I'm Norman Drabble, and I'm the new host of "Extreme Makeover-Home Edition". - Yes!! Who da' man?!! You just changed a light bulb, Norm. Don't get carried away.
dr060415 -- grrrrrrr - You're cute, Wally! Hey! Never touch me while I'm on the line of duty!
dr060417 -- I'm afraid to look! - NOT ANOTHER EGG! - EGGS FOR BREAKFAST! EGGS FOR LUNCH! EGGS FOR DINNER!! - I'M CRACKING UP!! The week after Halloween is better than the week after Easter!
dr060418 -- Hi, Wendy! How do you like my new sweater? - What an amazing coincidence! - Just last night, I was wondering if it could ever be possible for you to look like more of a dork. - Wow! She THINKS about me!
dr060419 -- you know what I think is interesting? - Somewhere in the world, somebody is sleeping right now. - Since the dawn of civilization, no matter what time of the day or night, somebody somewhere is asleep! - Zzz See?
dr060420 -- I hope you get what you ordered. They always get tit wrong at this drive-thru! - I can't imagine how they'd get it wrong this time. - All I asked for was a salad... - with RANCH!
dr060421 -- What are you doing, dad? Watching for someone to come to our front door. - Every time somebody knocks, Wally barks his head off, and it drives me crazy! - So I've decided to look out the window all day, and if anyone comes to the door, I'll
dr060421 -- open before they knock! - Having a pet sure changes your lifestyle! Having a DUMB pet certainly does! The thanks I get!
dr060422 -- This is so good, it makes me want to sing... - DONUTS ARE A MANY SPLENDORED THING - Sorry. Sometimes I get carried away! The Denver Broncos couldn't carry you away!
dr060424 -- ? - - I need my belt back!
dr060425 -- Hmm...decisions, decisions... - OK, I like this card the best! Fine. I'll sign it. - Happy anniversary, honeybunch! - I know mom was hard to shop for, but jeepers! You can't return a signed card!
dr060426 -- YAWN - - Vampires are lucky. They can't see their reflection! They also get to sleep all day!
dr060427 -- Hi, Mr. Drabble! Would you like to buy some cookies? No, thanks. - I'm dieting. Besides, those cookies are expensive! - Not as expensive as a new wardrobe if you lost too much weight! - She deserves a merit badge!
dr060428 -- Storage Paint Tools Electrical Plumbing ...Sigh... - Gardening I hate these humongous do-it-yourself stores! By the time I find what I'm looking for, I forgot what it was!
dr060429 -- zzZzz - ? - zzZzz
dr060501 -- Yes! Another month is over! Only 7 more months to go! - Thank goodness this year is going by fast! - Most people your age don't WANT time to go by so fast! - Most people my age don't have a Clay Aiken calendar in the living room! You better
dr060501 -- not be making fun of my clay!
dr060502 -- I'm boring. - I should do something to change my appearance! - You could try combing your hair differently! Now, there's a suggestion! - How about like this: hopping on one foot?!
dr060503 -- Norman, if you want to look less boring... - All you have to do is mess up your hair a little bit. - Like this. - Eww! Sorry. I guess I didn't rinse out all the shampoo!
dr060504 -- See, Norman? All you had to do was mess up your hair, and now you don't look so boring! - ...quite so excruciatingly boring, anyway! Thanks for that ringing endorsement, Wendy!
dr060505 -- DONUTS - DUM DA DUNT DUNT - You've heard of caller i.d.? Dad's cell phone has RING TONE i.d.! - When mom calls, it plays the theme from "Dragnet". Donuts?? No, I'm not eating donuts!
dr060506 -- One cheeseburger, a medium fry, and a large root beer! That'll be $5.75 at the first window, please. - Those high gas prices are starting to show their effects. -
dr060508 -- Welcome to the stadium! - That'll be $12 for parking! TWELVE DOLLARS?!! - How come you took up two spaced, dad? - For $12, I should've taken THREE!
dr060509 -- Boy, it's great to be back in the old ball park! $4.50 for a bottle of water?? - The sights, the sounds... $4.50 for a bottle of water?? - The crack of the bat, the roar of the crowd... $4.50 for a bottle of water?? - Some things never
dr060509 -- change! $4.50 for a bottle of water???
dr060510 -- Excuse me. Thank you. Thank you. Coming through... - Dad really should by seats on the aisle. Make this your last bathroom trip, OK?! Hey. I think somebody stole my wallet?!
dr060511 -- They've rolled out the tarp...the players and umpires have all gone inside... - And all we can do is sit here and wait! Wring out your foam finger somewhere else! You're getting me all wet!
dr060512 -- Bye, Wendy! Bye, Norman. - Have a nice... - I mean, have a fairly OK, not too terribly embarrassing day! - Just trying to be realistic!
dr060513 -- Hi, dad... - Did you get all your mother's day shopping done? - SSPPFFF - I'll take that as a "not quite."
dr060515 -- - I've decided to seek enlightenment! - -
dr060516 -- Hi, Wendy! I wondered if you'd like to go out with me on Friday night? - No? Well, how about SATURDAY night? - ...OK, then how about Monday night? ...Tuesday night? ...Wednesday night? - Thursday afternoon? Time to roll out the tarp, son!
dr060517 -- Nice kitty! - ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! - arf! arf! arf! arf! arf! arf! - NOW you like me!
dr060518 -- Look at what I discovered, dad... Zzz - All you have to do is say the word... - "kitty" - And Wally goes nuts! Thank you, son. ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF!
dr060518 -- ARF! ARF! ARF!
dr060519 -- Rats! This card says I have to pay $100 in taxes! - Add it to the kitty! - ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! Oh, shut up!
dr060520 -- sniff sniff . HONK! - Everybody relax! I was just blowing my nose!
dr060522 -- Care for a mint, Norman? No, thanks. - - Care for a mint, Norman? Uhh...sure! - Sometimes when people offer you a mint, they're not just being nice! Have two!
dr060523 -- Mrs. Drabble, on behalf of Bingham's Supermarket, congratulations on this notable achievement! clap clap clap clap clap Thank you! - Isn't it exciting, Ralph? I set a record! - The most money ever spent in an express line! With COUPONS,
dr060523 -- even!
dr060524 -- Hey, why are they playing THAT song on the OLDIES station?? - That song isn't an oldie! It came out when I was in high school! - It's practically new! - Why would they play it on the OLDIES station?? Even *I* know when to keep my mouth shut!
dr060525 -- ...Sigh... - Whatever happened to that young, handsome man who used to see himself in this mirror? - Beats me. - I lost track of him after he sold us the house!
dr060526 -- flip flip flip flip - Hey! It's "The Andy Griffith Show"! I haven't seen this in years! - - Is it my imagination or did aunt Bea used to look a lot older?
dr060527 -- - - - What are you doing? Trying to see what I'll look like when I'm 70!
dr060529 -- OK, thanks for calling! - The results are in and I got a clean bill of health! That's great! - I didn't know you went in for a checkup! I didn't. My friend No-Neck got one! - He takes even worse care of himself than I do. If he's OK, then *I*
dr060529 -- must be terrific!
dr060530 -- ...sigh...every night, he falls asleep watching TV! Z - Why does he DO that? Why doesn't he go to BED and fall asleep?! - IT drives me crazy!! - RALPH! WAKE UP AND GO TO SLEEP!!
dr060531 -- Ralph, why on earth do you like to fall asleep in front of the TV every night?? - It's a "guy" thing, honeybunch! - Falling asleep in front of the TV is one of those things that all men enjoy and women don't fully appreciate. - That, and
dr060531 -- Larry the cable guy!
dr060601 -- Honeybunch, drifting off to sleep while sitting in front of the TV is one of the great joys in life! - It also makes me smarter! - After I fall asleep, my subconscious mind absorbs and remembers everything on TV! - At least, I ASSUME that's
dr060601 -- why I know the price of every used car in town!
dr060602 -- Ralph, it's ridiculous that you fall asleep watching old war movies every night! - Fall asleep in your bed, where it's peaceful and quiet! - I cant's believe I have to wake you up to tell you to go to bed! Maybe you have some sort of medical
dr060602 -- condition. You ought to go see a doctor. Are you wearing a nasal strip? If you start snoring tonight you'll wake me up and I won't be able to get back to sleep! Then I'll be crabby all day tomorrow. I sure hope the neighbor's dog won't start
dr060602 -- barking at three like it did last night. I don't know why they don't take it inside at night! ...trash cans... The war movie was quieter!
dr060603 -- - CLICK! - Sweet! A full tank of gas and it only cost me $20! - Gas prices don't seem so traumatic when you fill it up every fifty miles!
dr060605 -- So, what restaurant do you want to go to, honeybunch? I've narrowed it down to Aldo's or Chauncy's. you decide! - No, YOU decide! I insist you pick! I'll be happy at either one! - Well, OK. Then let's go to...Chauncy's! Fine! - Let's just hope
dr060605 -- their service has improved!
dr060606 -- Isn't it nice that we could go out for a pleasant evening together, Ralph? - No worries, no stress... - IF THAT KID BEHIND ME DOESN'T STOP KICKING MY SEAT, THERE ARE GOING TO BE SOME SERIOUS CONSEQUENCES! - Think that got their attention? I
dr060606 -- think it got EVERYONE'S attention!
dr060607 -- Excuse me! We're still waiting for our bread! - I'll tell your waitress. - Don't bother telling her! Just bring us our bread!! - I would, but I don't work here! Isn't anyone in this restaurant willing to take some responsibility?
dr060608 -- How is everything? - The soup was cold, the chicken is overcooked, there are spots on my silverware, it's freezing in here, and I need a refill! - How's everything with you? Great! - Did I say "great"?? I meant to say "totally unacceptable"!
dr060609 -- Hello. I'm Valerie. I'll be your new waitress. - What happened to our other waitress? - She quit. - Was I really being that difficult? Not until you complained about the flavor of the salt.
dr060610 -- I'm sorry if I ruined dinner, Ralph. - I made you pick the restaurant, and then I complained about everything! That's OK, honeybunch! - Let's go see a movie and forget about it! OK! - You pick which one! NO!
dr060612 -- We went to the movies! - What did you see? A horror movie! - Are you going to have nightmares tonight? Your father will. - Snack Bar Prices Popcorn,,,$6.00 Candy...$4.75 Soda...$5.50
dr060613 -- Welcome home, dad! - How was your day on the golf course? - Never mind! When he comes back with no clubs left in his bag, it wasn't a good day!
dr060614 -- I'm not sure I want to work at Galtburger after all! - Their job application is insane! - Look, they want you to write your LAST name FIRST, your FIRST name in the middle, and your MIDDLE name LAST! - Maybe they just want to see how well I
dr060614 -- follow complicated instructions!
dr060615 -- This job application sure asks a lot of questions! - "Wage desired"? - Hmmm... - I'll put "yes."
dr060616 -- Hello? ...yes, this is Norman Drabble! - Galtburger calling? ...you want to give me a job?? REALLY??? - Are you sure?? You want ME to WORK for you?? Aren't you afraid I'll make a complete MESS of everything?? - I knew that was too good to be
dr060616 -- true! Way to blow your own horn, son!
dr060617 -- Dad, watch! I've been trying for years, and I can finally do it! - I can rub my head and pat my stomach! Wow, that's great, Norm! - Except you're supposed to rub your STOMACH and pat your HEAD! - Eight years of practice down the drain! Sorry
dr060617 -- to be the one to break the news!
dr060619 -- Dad, I know you asked me to find a summer job... - But I think I'd rather just hang around and play video games! Son, I'm not asking you to go to work... - I'M FORCING YOU TO GO TO WORK!! - Now I know why they call it the "Work Force".
dr060620 -- Welcome to YIPEE YOGURT! I'm new here, and you're my first customer! - How nice! I'd like a small chocolate, please! - One small chocolate, coming up! - Did I mention that I'm new here?
dr060621 -- I'll have a medium vanilla and chocolate and swirl it, please! - "Swirl" it? -  -How's that?
dr060622 -- I'll have a large strawberry yogurt, please! - Large? Uh...OK... - - We're out of large cups!
dr060623 -- I want a medium-sized yogurt, prepared to my exact specifications. - Strawberry on the bottom, then vanilla and chocolate side by side, then peanut butter on top of that... - Then a little bit of peach, a dash of blueberry, and a dollop of
dr060623 -- mint! Now, for the toppings... - Why aren't you still at work? I panicked and ran home!
dr060624 -- ...and here's your change! - - - If that tip jar were a snake, it would have bit you!
dr060626 -- Ralph, I'd like to congratulate you on the improvements you've made to your home! - It's never looked better! - That's a fumigation tent! Like I said...
dr060627 -- A TIP JAR??? Why should I give you a tip?? - Did you do anything beyond what you're paid to do?? - Now you want even MORE money?? You should be ashamed! - "Tips" spelled backward is "spit."
dr060628 -- Don't act like such a doofus. - RIP! - FOLD FOLD - Thank you! No problem!
dr060629 -- How would you like me to cook your burger, Norm? Well done! - Well done?? I thought you liked your burgers rare! I do. - "Well done" is as close to as "rare" as dad gets! Honeybunch, how would you like your burger...well done, charred, or
dr060629 -- incinerated?
dr060630 -- Dinner's ready! - Hamburgers and hot dogs grilled beyond perfection! - They're beyond perfection, all right! Which are which? Wow! Beyond perfection and beyond recognition!
dr060701 -- Dum-diddle-um diddle-iddle-iddle-um - BONANZA - Dum.diddle-um, diddle-iddle-iddle-um, dum-diddle-um-dum-dum! - You know, dad, you're allowed to have more than one song on your iPod! It's the only one I need!
dr060703 -- Ralph, what's wrong?? I threw out my back! - DARN! That means you'll stay home from work today, and I won't get anything done around the house!! - My day is RUINED!! - You better get well soon, buster!! Florence Nightingale, she's not!
dr060704 -- There's nothing worse than missing work because of a bad back! - Will you kids knock it off?!! Don't make me come in there!! - I have housework to do! - As I was saying...
dr060705 -- - - SPLOOSH! People with bad backs shouldn't stand near pools!
dr060706 -- - Patrick! Don't make faces at your father! - I'm not! I'm just looking at my reflection in his bald spot! Sweet! That's it. Time to see a doctor.
dr060707 -- Dad, I think we need to get you to the doctor. - How on earth am I going to get to the doctor?? I can't even get in the car!! No problem... - Mr. Steinbauer loaned us his pick-up truck!
dr060708 -- Where's dad? Norman drove him to the doctor. - He threw out his back and couldn't stand up straight! - The only way to drive him was to lay him down gently in the back of a pick-up truck! - Sorry, I took that speed bump a little fast!
dr060710 -- Medical Care I need to see the doctor. I threw out my back! Take a seat, Mr. Drabble! - Take a seat== How am I supposed to do that?! - Don't worry, dad! I'll help you... - voila!
dr060711 -- Hello, Doc. No need to bow, Mr. Drabble! - I may be a doctor, but I'm still a human being just like you! - Well, hopefully not JUST like you! Hee hee hee ha ha! - Hardee har har. Patient displays irritability.
dr060712 -- Medical Care Can you help me, doc? I threw out my back and I can't straighten up! - Can't straighten up, eh? Let me ask you this... - Can you reach all the way back and remove the wallet from your back pocket? - Yes. I think we can help you!
dr060713 -- I hope the doctor can help daddy's bad back! Don't worry, Penny... - Modern medicine is amazing! Doctors have all sorts of technological advances at their fingertips! - Get the donut, Mr. Drabble! Almost there! Reach! Aarrrggh
dr060714 -- There's a long drive. It's going... It's going... - It's GONE!! HOME RUN!! WE WIN!! WE WIN!!! - Imagine how that poor pitcher feels. That's so sad. - And how in the world will they get out those grass stains? Let's never take her to a hockey
dr060714 -- game.
dr060715 -- Wow! I just thought of a great idea for a song! - I better write it down before I forget! - La da dee da da dum dum deedle dee - Too bad I can't write music!
dr060717 -- Here you go, ma'am! One small chocolate! I asked for DUTCH chocolate! - Oh, sorry! I'll start over! - It's a shame you have to throw away the rejects. - Trust me, nothing goes to waste!
dr060718 -- Dad, I'm a high school graduate... click click click click - I have a driver's license, I'm a registered voter... - I'm legally considered an adult. click click click click - When will you let me use the TV clickers?! Control of the clickers
dr060718 -- is an honor reserved for the head of the household!
dr060719 -- Mom, dad never lets me use the TV clicker! click click click click - He says it's an honor reserved for the head of the household! - He's right, Norman... - So, let's see what else is on! click click click HEY!
dr060720 -- click click click click - - My clicker feel suspiciously warm! Busted!
dr060721 -- - Whoa! Here comes the big one!! - - Out-of-shape guys like me should never put vibrating cell phones in our shirt pockets!
dr060722 -- Hold still... - For crying out loud! How much more sunscreen do I need?? - Be patient, Ralph! I'm Norman!
dr060724 -- Why don't you like Mr. Steinbauer, Dad? - It goes way back... - In fact it goes back so far, I forget why I don't like him. - BUT I KNOW I DON'T! Dad's halfway to being able to forgive and forget!
dr060725 -- Hey, Ralph! What is it, Steinbauer? - I'm having a backyard pool party tonight! Everyone in the neighborhood is invited! - Well, everyone except you. I had to draw the line somewhere! - I suddenly remember why I don't like him! By the way,
dr060725 -- can I borrow some oil for my tiki torches?
dr060726 -- How DARE Steinbauer throw a pool party and not invite me! - Well, I intend to get even! Now, Ralph, you must act like an adult! - Trust me. I will handle this in a mature fashion! - I'm going to T.P. his house!
dr060727 -- The last light has gone out in the Steinbauer home! Time to T.P.! - Box, this takes me back! - I can barely remember the last time I T.P'd a house! - I couldn't have been more than 37 or 38!
dr060728 -- Steinbauer's house never looked better! - Whoa, I'm exhausted! - I should make a mental note for next time... - To T.P. a 2,000-square foot house, four dozen rolls is plenty!
dr060729 -- I'll fling one more roll at Steinbauer's house, and call it a night! - Ahem... - - You know you've got a tough cop when he's wearing sunglasses at two A.M.!
dr060731 -- Why, good evening, officer! You're probably wondering why I'm flinging bathroom tissue at that house! - You see, the man who lives there hosted a pool party earlier tonight... - And I'm the only one in the neighborhood who wasn't invited! -
dr060731 -- Gosh, it's hard to believe someone wouldn't invite a guy like you to a party! My thoughts exactly!!
dr060801 -- Officer, I look it looks bad for a grown man to be toilet-papering a house... - But the man who lives there, Mr. Steinbauer, is a very difficult person! - You're "teepee-ing" STEINBAUER'S house??? - Why didn't you just SAY so?! I take it
dr060801 -- you're familiar with him!
dr060802 -- The sun up! I can't wait to see Steinbauer's house! - It must be foggy outside! I can't see a thing!  - Oh no... - I TEEPEED MY OWN HOUSE!!
dr060803 -- You teepeed your own house?? Why in the world did you do THAT, dad?? - It was dark! It was late! I was half asleep!! - Gosh, this is something I would do! Now THAT hurts!
dr060804 -- Someone teepeed your house, eh, Drabble? Who would do such a thing?? - Ah, there's a clue: This paper is a single-ply, generic brand! - Whoever did this is obviously a cheapskate! - I'd say you teepeed your own home, but even YOU aren't THAT
dr060804 -- stupid!
dr060805 -- I can't believe your father teepeed our own house last night! - That's the stupidest thing he's ever done! - Although re-rolling the paper is a close second! "Waste not, want not" I always say!
dr060807 -- It's not fair! - I've been eating right! I've been exercising! How come I'm still fat?! - This new diet isn't working!! - You've only been on it for 45 minutes! I'll give it another half hour, and then I'm ordering a pizza!
dr060808 -- Something wrong, dad? My birthday is in a few days and I'm dreading it! - There's nothing to dread about having a birthday! - You should know that! - You've had a million of 'em!
dr060809 -- Ralph, the credit card bills will be arriving any day... - Now, remember, you've got a birthday coming up, and I may have bought you a gift or two! - So, when the bills arrive, don't look at them... - Just pay them!
dr060810 -- Good morning, dad. On behalf of the entire family, I'd like to wish you a pleasant birthday. - That was pretty unenthusiastic! At your age, the less excitement, the better. Here's a balloon. We didn't blow it up 'cause it might pop!
dr060811 -- Bring in dad's birthday cake, Patrick! - You baked me a cake?? Well, not exactly... - We made a cake out of donuts! One for each year of your life! - Wow! We emptied out three donut shops!
dr060812 -- Oh, boy! Another can of Slim-Fast! - That makes three! One from Norman, one from Patrick, and one from Penny! - Great minds think alike, huh, dad? - I guess it's better than last year when they all gave me nose hair trimmers!
dr060814 -- I saved your best birthday gift for last, Ralph! - Tickets for you and me to see Barry Manilow in Las Vegas!! - - I'm so excited! I'll go pack! Is this MY birthday or YOURS??
dr060815 -- So, here we are, driving for hours through the blistering desert. - Because, for MY birthday, you gave me tickets to see YOUR favorite singer perform in Las Vegas. - This is payback for your Valentine's gift, isn't it, honeybunch? Nonsense!
dr060815 -- What woman wouldn't love to receive a variable speed jigsaw?!
dr060816 -- I'm so excited to be driving to Las Vegas to see Barry Manilow! - The first time we saw him in concert was on our first date, 25 years ago! You proposed to me after he sang "Mandy"! - We've seen Barry Manilow in concert before?? - GIVE ME A
dr060816 -- BREAK! MY MEMORY ISN'T WHAT IT USED TO BE!!
dr060817 -- You can get back in the car, Ralph. - Just because you couldn't remember our first date when we saw Barry Manilow and you proposed to me, I shouldn't have driven off and left you in the desert. - So I decided to pull over because I forgive
dr060817 -- you! - And also because we're out of gas! rrrrrr...
dr060818 -- Here's your light stick, Ralph! What's that for? - The concert! When Barry sings "Copacabana", everyone in the audience stands up, waves their light stick, and dances! - Have a good time, honeybunch! Ralph, get back in the car!!
dr060819 -- Our hotel room is pretty nice! - Look! We have a view of a hotel that has a view of the Las Vegas strip! - rrummble rrummble clankity clank clank clank clank clank! - And, apparently, we're very close to the ice machines! That's convenient. I
dr060819 -- can go get ice in my underwear.
dr060821 -- Honeybunch, before we go see the Barry Manilow concert, I'm going to visit the casinos. - It's probably best if you stay here in the room. - I'll be doing some serious high-stakes wagering, and it's not for the faint of heart! I understand! -
dr060821 -- You forgot your roll of nickels! Oh yeah...thank you!
dr060822 -- You're not going to wear that out in public, are you? Why not? - It's immodest! - Just because we're in Las Vegas, doesn't mean you should dress like a showgirl! - I think my strapless apron looks nice!
dr060823 -- Slots - - ...sigh... - The ice machine is as close as I ever come to hitting a jackpot in Vegas! clankity clank clank clank clank clank
dr060824 -- Manilow Concert I'll make a bet with you that my seat is directly behind that big guy's. - You win! If only I was this good at the blackjack table!
dr060825 -- At the Copa... - Copacabana.. - - Please tell me you didn't just throw your apron at Barry's feet! sorry. I got carried away!
dr060826 -- Hi, Norman! I'm just calling to tell you we're leaving Las Vegas and we're on our way home! - Yes, the concert was great! - I think your father even liked it!
dr060828 -- Hey, honeybunch! How about something to drink?! - - I meant in a glass!
dr060829 -- - I've decided to join the circus! - CRASH * bounce bounce * OW! * Jerque du Soleil!
dr060830 -- Only one more week until school starts again! Aww! I know! I's going to be lonely around here! - I'm going to miss you! What will I do all day long?! - Meryl Streep, eat your heart out!
dr060831 -- Here's a good one... - "What kind of dog tells time?" "A WATCH dog!" - HAR HAR HAR HAR! - I'll tell that one Tuesday morning! Can't YOU drive my school carpool this year, mom?
dr060901 -- When Norman was born, I knew it was going to be fun watching him grow up. - I just never knew it was going to take so long! bang bang bong!
dr060902 -- Wally, SIT! - skattle skattle skattle - - I see dad's been training the dog!
dr060904 -- Hello, this is Ralph Drabble! May I speak to Jerry, please? - Every year, I call the telethon and ask to speak to Jerry, but they never... - Hello? Ahhhhh...waaaaaa...haaaaa... - Well, nice to talk to you! I've got to go, now. Wayne Newton is
dr060904 -- almost done with his song! 'bye! You forgot to mention how much we liked "Cinderella"!
dr060905 -- Here's another good one: "What is Dracula's favorite place in New York?" - "The Vamipre State Building!" - "What is a mummy's favorite kind of music?" "Wrap!" - Boy, I could read these all night! SUPERMAN, WHERE ARE YOU?!
dr060906 -- You kids are sitting awfully close to the TV! - When I was a kid, mom told me not to sto too close to the TV because the rays would make my hair fall out! - You should have listened!
dr060907 -- - SNIFFFFF! - AAAAKK! cough cough cough! HACK! COUGH COUGH!! - Whoever said "stop and smell the dandelions" was out of his mind! I think they said "roses".
dr060908 -- Oowww! I told you if you ate your ice cream too fast, you'd get a headache! - I'm the voice of experience! Why don't you kids ever listen to me?? - We parents may not be as smart as we think we are... - But we're not as dumb as our KIDS think
dr060908 -- we are!
dr060909 -- - Here's your pen back, dad! - - Before you try to put a ballpoint pen in someone's pocket, make sure the point is retracted!
dr060911 -- Sorry, Bob. Summer is over! - Time to empty the wading pool! - This is why I migrate every year!
dr060912 -- - - It looks to me like Victoria doesn't HAVE many secrets!
dr060913 -- - kick! - - kick! kick! kick! - - IT'S FALL!
dr060914 -- Wendy, would you like to go out for dinner with me tonight? - Norman, whenever you ask me out, I have a conflict between my head and my heart! - My head says, "no way!" - But my heart says, "absolutely not a chance in heck!" Does your stomach
dr060914 -- have an opinion?
dr060915 -- MALL Excuse me, officer... - Where is a store called "Things Remembered"? - I forget. - I've been waiting ten years for somebody to ask me that!
dr060916 -- - Hello, Bob! - Quack, eh? - He's been hanging out with these Canadian geese, again!
dr060918 -- Here's our room! My friends Leonard and Stu talked me into taking a drawing class! - Gee, I wonder if I'll discover that I have a hidden talent? Probably! If you have any talent, Norman, it's hidden!
dr060919 -- Leonard, Stu...I don't know why I let you guys talk me into taking a DRAWING class! - I'm already pretty good at drawing! - You couldn't draw a bath! - SLAP! Nerds always like to high-five each other after witty remarks!
dr060920 -- Leonard, tell me again why we all signed-up for a drawing class! - To expand our horizons, acquire an appreciation for the arts, and develop skills we never knew we had! - - ...that, and the nude models. WHAT??
dr060921 -- Did you say something about NUDE MODELS?? - Yeah, the teacher said we were going to be sketching a model in the nude. - That means the model won't have any clothes on. OH, WHAT A RELIEF!! - I thought he meant WE wouldn't have any clothes on!
dr060922 -- We have to draw a NUDE MODEL??! I don't think I could DO that!! I'd be too uncomfortable! - I can't do it! I can't do it!! Norman, pull yourself together! - Yeah, this is ART! We must conduct ourselves with dignity and maturity! - In fact, to
dr060922 -- show how mature we are, let's move to the front row! NO!
dr060923 -- Uhhh...Norman? You're right, Stu! We have to be mature about this! - Norman? We shouldn't act like nerds! - We have to...what is it, Leonard? I think our model has arrived... - And look who it is!
dr060925 -- Sorry I'm late, professor! Class, I'd like you to meet... - HALT THE PROCEEDINGS!! - Wendy, I beg you not to do this! - Why not? It's art, isn't it? I want every man in here to close his eyes! Especially Leonard and Stu!!
dr060926 -- Wendy, I appreciate your dedication to the arts, but I beg you not to remove your clothes! - I'd be too uncomfortable! - Mr, Drabble, Wendy isn't here to model! She's a student in the class, just like you! - Please don't say I'm just like
dr060926 -- him! Sorry. Uh-oh...my contact lenses have already fogged-up!
dr060927 -- I'm not here to be a nude model!! I'm here to take the class!! - We don't HAVE nude models in this class, Mr. Drabble! - Where on earth did you get an idea like that?? Well, I, uhh... - *
dr060928 -- Mr. Drabble, don't worry! We do not draw nude models in this class! - The only thing we're going to draw today is this bowl of fruit! - Hey, where is it??! -
dr060929 -- Why did you guys tell me there would be nude models in our drawing class?! - I nearly made a complete fool of myself! - That's not true at all, Norman! - You DID make a complete fool of yourself! Yeah, what do you mean, "nearly"?
dr060930 -- Z - It's that time of year, again. Z - The lazy days of summer have turned into the lazy days of fall! Z
dr061002 -- Dad has a tan line! He needs to wear smaller socks! - And a larger shirt!
dr061003 -- Maybe I should by a laptop. - I'm not sure a laptop is for you, dad. - Why not? - For one thing, you'd need a lap!
dr061004 -- I'm considering putting my personal profile on this teen web site! - Aren't you concerned that someone might try to steal your identity? - MY identity?? - Good point. You mean there's a bigger loser than ME out there??
dr061005 -- Norm, I really don't think you should put your personal profile on that teen web site! - You might regret it! Some kids end up looking pretty foolish! - What if a prospective employer saw it? - Shouldn't be a problem! Oh, yeah...you'd have to
dr061005 -- apply for a job first!
dr061006 -- What are you doing? If you hold up your putter like this, it helps you line up your putt! - Never works for me!
dr061007 -- How was your golf game, Ralph? I broke 100! - Unfortunately, he broke it at the 15th hole!
dr061009 -- Well, I think I'll sit outside and enjoy the colors of autumn! - munch munch munch! Dad's idea of enjoying the colors of autumn is scarfing a bag of Reese's Pieces!
dr061010 -- Have a good soccer game, Patrick! Here, Ralph! - It*'s a referee shirt and whistle. Good luck! I have to REV?! Why ME???! - Youth soccer is strictly volunteer! Every parent has to take turns! - It's your day! Something tells me today is NOT
dr061010 -- going to be my day!
dr061011 -- TWEET! - OFFSIDES! - First down! Jump ball! Two-to-make-one! - You don't know anything about soccer, do you, ref! Uh-oh...they're on to me!
dr061012 -- TWEET! Aw, come on, ref! - That's the worst call I've ever seen! You're terrible! - KICK! - I'd have given you a yellow card, I couldn't find one!
dr061013 -- Great game, Varmints! Come get your snacks! - Hey, where did all the snacks go??! I got hungry at halftime.
dr061014 -- Gosh, I love living here! - Aren't you going to sweep up your crumbs, dad? I figure that's what ants are for!
dr061016 -- I know what your problem is, Norman... - You're in denial! - No, I'm not! - See?
dr061017 -- They're passing a law making it illegal to drive while talking on a cell phone. - Well, it's about time! - It's hard enough to drive while shaving and eating breakfast!
dr061018 -- Farmer Fred's Pumpkin Patch! My favorite October tradition! - Not mine! I have bad memories of this place! - I know, Ralph, but you need to let that go! Easy for you to say! - Farmer Fred never accused YOU of trying to steal a pumpkin under
dr061018 -- your shirt! Easy mistake.
dr061019 -- We've come to Farmer Fred's Pumpkin Patch every October since I was a little kid! - I'll never forget the time years ago, when dad hid behind the scarecrow and yelled "boo!" - I was so scared, I began hyperventilating, and mom made me
dr061019 -- breathe into a paper sack! - Actually, Norm, that was LAST year. I had nightmares until labor day!
dr061020 -- That'll be $12.50! - $12.50?!! How can you charge that much for a pumpkin??! - It's really big! Fine! - And just so you won't ask me again this year-no, I do not have a pumpkin under my shirt. See?!! - Good, 'cause that would've cost a
dr061020 -- fortune!
dr061021 -- Several bags of Halloween candy... - And a few scary old black and white monster movies! - The Ralph Drabble version of Octoberfest!
dr061022 -- rake rake rake - rake rake rake rake - Whew! - I hate this time of year! - It's too much work! - I can never keep up with all of dad's candy wrappers! Ralph, please save some for the trick-or-treaters!
dr061023 -- Good morning Wendy! Norman! - I was just wondering what happened to you! - Why? Am I late? - No, I was just wondering what happened to you!
dr061024 -- Do you have any plans for after school, Norman? Absolutely! - First, I'll ask Wendy for a date. When she says no, I'll probably sit around and play video games for the rest of the day! - Well, have a good time! I intend to! - I may have no
dr061024 -- life, but it's the only life I don't have!
dr061025 -- KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK! - Good morning! We're from the church of... - Aw, forget it! - Nobody wants me!
dr061026 -- Dad, this movie isn't scary! Not scary??! It's The Wolfman!! He scared me to DEATH when I was a kid! - When the moon is full, he gets all hairy and starts to howl!! How can you not be scared of something like that?? - It's 2006! We have cable
dr061026 -- TV and the Internet! - Kids see scarier things every day! Now, THAT'S scary!
dr061027 -- I can't believe you kids don't think these old monster movies are scary! - When I was a kid, I'd sit in front of the TV, petrified with fear! - I was so scared, I'd even forget to eat my popcorn! - Something tells me you eventually
dr061027 -- remembered. Yeah, I was usually able to compose myself during the commercials!
dr061028 -- Let's go smash the Drabbles' pumpkin! OK! - - On second thought, maybe we shouldn't! - Another prank thwarted by my GLARE-o-lantern!
dr061029 -- Nice job of decorating the front porch for Halloween, Ralph, but please put the picture of my mother back on our nightstand! Yeah, I guess we don't want to TERRIFY the little kids!
dr061030 -- - Trick or treat! - Thank you! Halloween is a lot easier since I installed a drive-thru!
dr061031 -- KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK - Trick or treat! - Thank you! - Now THAT'S a costume!
dr061101 -- - It's sad when Halloween is over! - Apparently, not for everyone! fa la la la la la la la la!
dr061102 -- - There you go! Good as new! Uhh...thanks, dad. - ...and YOU wanted to run out and buy a new one! He re-tied a broken rubber band?? Keep in mind your father throws nickels around like they're manhole covers!
dr061103 -- It's nice when a man can take a walk with his entire family! - It's an opportunity to spend time together communicating! - Although, it would be nicer if we communicated with each other! yakkity yak yak yak yak yakkity yak yak
dr061104 -- Wrappers! Wrappers! - Nothing left but wrappers! Everything is gone! - YES!! - Four days after Halloween, the candy corn finally starts to look good!
dr061105 -- - - - - - Return Carts Here CLANK! YES! My turn! They can turn anything into a competition!
dr061106 -- Hello. You've reached the Drabble residence. Please leave a... - Wait a minute...there's usually SOMEBODY home! I wonder why none of us is answering? - Maybe something BAD happened! - WHOEVER IS LISTENING TO THIS MESSAGE, PLEASE CALL THE
dr061106 -- POLICE!! 'kay, bye! Maybe someone else should record our answering machine greeting!
dr061107 -- ...yawn... - What's everybody staring at? - There are crop circles in the hair on your back! Don't worry. It's probably a hoax! That's it. I'm going back to bed!
dr061108 -- Remember, Norm, I want the leaves raked and the car washed! - Don't worry, dad. I'm on it! The only thing he's ever on is the couch!
dr061109 -- Hello, news radio? This is traffic tipster Drabble! I'm calling to report a DRABBALERT! - A "Drabbalert"?? I know a "Sigalert" is a major traffic jam on a highway, but what's a "Drabbalert"? - A major traffic jam at a fast food drive-thru!
dr061109 -- BURGER
dr061110 -- Hello, newsradio? Traffic tipster Drabble here, with an update on the "Drabbalert"... - The location of the "Drabbalert" is the Galtburger drive-thru! Traffic is at standstill! - It all started when someone in a red pickup couldn't decide
dr061110 -- what to order, and is now trying to use an expired coupon! - And if that wasn't bad enough, my son has to go to the bathroom!
dr061111 -- Hi, Wendy! Hi, Norman. - - - 'kay, bye! Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
dr061112 -- - - - - - - - - Frozen Yougurt I want to sample every flavor! Me to! Me too! Me too! Oh dear! I can't decide! I ALMOST beat 'em in line! At least you got some exercise!
dr061113 -- boodle oodle oop! - boodle oodle oop! ...Sigh... - What the heck do YOU want?! I didn't know our phone had "caller i.d."! It doesn't!
dr061114 -- Oh, relax, Wally! - It's coming! - Why is Wally so excited? Is it dinnertime? No... - It's "new roll of paper towels" time!
dr061115 -- - - How insulting! I wasn't going to steal your paper towel roll! - I happen to have my own one to play with!
dr061116 -- Beats me. I really don't know what to tell you. - I have no idea how to solve your problems! - 'kay, bye! - I hate it when I stump the radio psychologist!
dr061117 -- All Mart Which aisle shall we start in, Ralph? - Oh, wait a minute... - There! - I don't want to be interrupted! I know I'm in for an expensive shopping trip when she turns off her cell phone!
dr061118 -- Ooooh! I have a bellyache! - I don't know if it was the chips, the pizza, the candy, or the ice cream! - Oohh, somebody...put me out of my misery! - Why is it called "comfort" food when it makes you so uncomfortable?
dr061119 -- Thanks for striping our soccer field, Mr. Drabble! - By the way, did that bee sting you? No, I managed to avoid him!
dr061120 -- Knock Knock Knock! - Trick or treat! - Halloween was three weeks ago! - But good job in the Howie Mandel costume! I just thought of it, and I didn't want to wait eleven hours!
dr061121 -- Wendy, would you be interested in... - Nope. Not a chance. Forget it. - Ain't gonna happen. No way. Never. Not even a remote possibility. Absolutely not. - I'm beginning to lose confidence!
dr061122 -- Do you, Ralph, promise to love, honor, and cherish this woman, and to never go play golf on your anniversary, even if it falls on your day off? I do! - THAT'S NOT WHAT WE SAID! He also said you must always put the cap back on the toothpaste!
dr061123 -- I think it's nice that you kids wanted to have your own thanksgiving parade... - - But why do I have to be the big gas-filled balloon? I can think of several reasons!
dr061124 -- sniff sniff - sniff sniff sniff - sniff sniff - No kitchen garbage pail is safe from a wiener dog!
dr061125 -- Hello, honeybunch! I was calling to see what's for dinner! - I have another call coming in, Ralph! I'll have to call you back later! - Another call?? So, basically, you're saying you'd rather talk to anyone besides your own husband, right?! -
dr061125 -- Hello? I think you nailed it!
dr061126 -- Z - I don't know what Wally enjoys more-eating or sleeping! - Well, let's find out! - WALLY! DINNER TIME! - skattle skattle skattle - It's a tie!
dr061127 -- RING! Who could be calling at three in the morning?? - Hello! This is a friendly reminder from Lackluster Video! Our records show that you have not returned one of our movies. - As a courtesy, we will repeat this friendly reminder every day
dr061127 -- at this time until we get it back. Good bye! - I think I liked it better when they just charged late fees!
dr061128 -- Z - BARK! - - It's true: no two cat hairs are the same!
dr061129 -- Dang! The Christmas lights are all tangled! - Who put these lights away last year?? You did, Ralph. - I did?? - Somebody must have broken into the box over the summer and messed 'em all up! What's the world coming to?
dr061130 -- It's no use. We'll never be able to untangle these lights! - Norm, is that a bug crawling on you? - WHERE? GET IT OFF!! AAAAAHHH" - Good job!
dr061201 -- Daddy, wake up! Let's go! Huh...what...? - You said we had to wait until December to go buy our Christmas tree! Well, it's December! - I just hope the tree lot isn't picked-over by now! - It's been December for almost twenty minutes!
dr061202 -- - - comb comb primp hike tuck - Better.
dr061203 -- Attention mall shoppers... - This is officer Drabble, speaking to you from center court! - The holiday season is in full swing, which means mall cops everywhere are busy issuing HOLIDAY SPIRIT VIOLATIONS! - Anyone observed behaving in a
dr061203 -- scrooge-like manner is subject to citation! - The only way to remove this violation from your record is to perform community service! - No one is above the law! Anyone is subject to punishment, an I mean ANYONE! - Right, honeybunch? You're
dr061203 -- gonna have a silent night, all right! FREE GIFT WRAPPING
dr061204 -- Well, I think we picked out a pretty nice Christmas tree! - And, by carrying it out and tying it onto the car ourselves, we saved the money, right, Norm? - Norm??
dr061205 -- Z - - - Feel free to take off your shoes and socks once in a while! At my age, it's easier just to leave 'em on!
dr061206 -- No matter which checkout line I pick, it's always the slowest! - I wonder why that is? - Pssst! Ralph Drabble is in our line! Move real slow and try to use expired coupons! Just as I suspected!
dr061207 -- Holiday spirit violations are issued to people who are observed being uncheerful! - I know the holidays are stressful for everyone... - But I expected better from you! Sorry, officer! It's been a long day!
dr061208 -- You're giving me a holiday spirit violation??! - What did I do wrong, officer? - Section 358, article 7 prohibits giggling at a mall cop who is being forced by his employer to wear a Sanka hat!
dr061209 -- - - - How are you able to run between the raindrops?? Have I ever mentioned that cats really hate to get wet?
dr061210 -- - - - - - - Wally sure enjoys the holidays! It's a regular wiener wonderland! I could've sworn we put more decorations on this tree!
dr061211 -- The following program contains mature subject matter. Viewer discretion is advised. - NOT! Put down that remote!!!
dr061212 -- Daddy, wake up! I can't fall asleep! I'm too excited!! Excited about what, Penny? - Tonight is Christmas eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve... - Eve! This could be a long month!
dr061213 -- Dad, wake up! Oh great! Another one of my kids can't sleep tonight! - What is it, Norm? Are you excited because Santa will be here in a matter of days? - Of course not, dad! Give me a break! I'm practically an adult! Then why can't you sleep?
dr061213 -- - I watched that ebenezer scrooge movie, and the ghosts creeped me out!
dr061214 -- Fa la la la la la la la la - Aw...wasn't that nice! I suppose. - But I miss the days when Christmas carolers actually came to your door, instead of just text messaging!
dr061215 -- ...And a happy new yeeeaarr! - Sorry, Halloween is over! - But, since the big guy on the end worked so hard o his gorilla costume, have some cookies! Steinbauer puts the ART in SMART aleck!
dr061216 -- The following program contains graphic violence, amture themes, adult situations, disturbing images, crude humor, language, and nudity. - Let's see the other shows try to top THAT!
dr061217 -- Finished at last! - Ralph, I baked REINDEER COOKIES! Have one! - Gasp! Thanks! - I can't believe you just ATE it!! Huh?? - Do you know how long it took me to decorate those cookies?!!? The antlers alone took all afternoon!! - And you just
dr061217 -- scarfed it down without even looking at it!! I can't believe it!!! - Some day, years from now, you'll both laugh about this! Assuming I survive the holidays!
dr061218 -- KNOCK KNOCK - ? - Whoa! A plate of cookies from "Secret Santa"! - There's nothing like getting homemade goodies from heaven only knows who!
dr061219 -- Someone left a plate of cookies on our porch, honeybunch! - I wonder who! I heard someone running away and laughing! - It Sounded like Mr, Steinbauer! - STEINBAUER?!! No one eat these cookies until they're analyzed by a lab!
dr061220 -- Ralph, what makes you think Mr, Steinbauer would leave tainted cookies on our porch? - Twelve years ago, I reported his illegal room addition to the city! He vowed to get even with me some day, when I least expect it! - So you think he made
dr061220 -- us poisoned cookies?? Well, maybe not poisoned... - But I'll bet he didn't wash his hands. ACHOO! sniff! snort!
dr061221 -- I'll get to the bottom of this... knock knock knock! - Hello, Steinbauer! Why, hello, Ralph! How are you? - How am I?? What an odd question! Why would you ask that?? Is there a reason why I wouldn't be feeling well? - It's not like I ate any
dr061221 -- TAINTED COOKIES!! Ralph, you're acting weird, even for you!
dr061222 -- Someone left cookies on our porch, Steinbauer, and I'll bet it was you! - Would you care to eat the first one? It wasn't me, and no thank you! - Well, in any case, this is the season of love and giving, so please have a cookie! I said no. -
dr061222 -- HAVE A COOKIE! NO! HAVE A COOKIE! NO!
dr061223 -- HAVE A COOKIE, STEINBAUER! NO! - Ralph, it wasn't Mr. Steinbauer who left us those cookies! It was Mrs. Mitchell! - Mrs. Mitchell?? She makes the best cookies in town! - GIMME BACK THAT COOKIE! NO!
dr061224 -- 'Twas the night before Christmas - And the house appeared calm. - Not a creature was stirring Z - Except Dad and Mom! We're missing a 3/8" screw bolt! Who writes these stupid instructions?! I can't believe they didn't include batteries! Where
dr061224 -- are the pliers?! -Rod 'A' doesn't fit in tube 'C'!! Next year all the kids are getting gift cards!
dr061225 -- Last Year Ralph, you tore open your gift so fast, you didn't even notice how nicely it was wrapped! I spend a long time wrapping gifts and the least you can do is... - This Year And such a lovely bow! What a vibrant paper you selected! The
dr061225 -- corners are so crisp and even! What an efficient use of tape! I'm sure that whatever is on the inside cannot possibly compare to... Oh, knock it off!
dr061226 -- Whoa! I dropped my donut on the floor! - Three-second-rule!! - AARRRRRRGGH! - Almost got it! Unfortunately, it's not been a minute and a half!
dr061227 -- Ralph, listen! They're playing our song on the radio! - Do you remember why it's our song? Of course I do! How could I ever forget? - Then tell me. Well, uh...it's a really really good song that we heard a long time ago... - And it's
dr061227 -- really really special to us and we'll never forget it because...HEY, WHAT'S THAT?!! Don't change the subject!
dr061228 -- You lazy wiener dog! What good are you, anyway? - Do some tricks! Roll over! - Roll over! Roll over! - You heart's not really in this, is it?
dr061229 -- Norman, I realize it's winter break and you don't have to get up early for school... Yawn! - But that's no reason to be lazy! LAZY?! How dare you call me lazy! - All I ever get around here is criticism! - Sometimes I wonder why I bother to
dr061229 -- get out of bed in the afternoon!
dr061230 -- Where is my hooded sweatshirt? - In the hall closet. Thanks. - You have it on backward! I know. - I'm going to the movies, and I drop a lot of popcorn!
dr061231 -- Dang! I can't find my thesaurus! - I have creative writing assignment, and I need a more imaginative term for the word "no." - * - beep! beep! boop! beep! beep! boop! boop! - Hello, Wendy? It's me, Norman! - Say, I was wondering...uhh...how
dr061231 -- would you like to spend new year's eve with me?! - No way! Not a chance! Absolutely not! Nyet! Nein! Negatory, good buddy! Ain't gonna happen! Nope! Let's move on! Nay! Heaven forbid! Not in a million years! Read my lips! Nada! Count me out!
dr061231 -- You must be kidding! Not on my watch... Slow down'! I can't write that fast!
dr070101 -- Hello? Yes, this is Ralph! - You think I look perfect the way I am?? Why, thank you! - Nom don't worry. I didn't make any resolutions! See you tomorrow! - Who on earth was that?? The donut shop! Dad, it's the corn dog stand!
dr070102 -- When you brush your teeth, where do you start? Huh? - Everyone starts brushing their teeth in the same place. I always start on my lower right molars! - So, where do YOU always start? Uhhh... - Are you going to brush your teeth or are you
dr070102 -- just going to stand there all day?! Quiet! I'm trying to think!
dr070103 -- Hi, Kathy! I got your message... - I know you asked me to call you back, but I don't have time to call you back right now! - So, you're calling her back to tell her why you're not calling her back??? - Hang on, Kathy. I need to tell my
dr070103 -- husband that I'm not talking to him!
dr070104 -- Gee, dad, how did you get such a nice tan in the dead of winter? - I used some of this instant tanning lotion! - It looks good. - From the front, anyway!
dr070105 -- Ralph, how does my new dress look? - Aw, honeybunch...do you really need to ask? - You look great in almost anything! Thanks! - Even *I* know you didn't answer the question! I should've gone into politics!
dr070106 -- I'd like pancakes, please! We're not serving breakfast anymore! - You sign says "Now Serving Breakfast"! - That doesn't mean we're serving breakfast NOW! It means we're NOW SERVING BREAKFAST!! - Are you now serving lunch? What are you, a wise
dr070106 -- guy?
dr070107 -- HAS ANYONE SEEN MY SHOES? - YEEOOWL! bark bark bark bark! - No, YOU are! No, YOU are! - YOU KIDS BETTER HURRY! YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE!! WHIRRRRRR! - Everyone pipe down! It's your father's day off! - Even when I get to sleep in, I don't get
dr070107 -- to sleep in!
dr070108 -- Ralph, Oogie has an appointment with the vet, today. - Go find her and put her in the kitty carrier! Why me?? I'm afraid of that crazy cat! - Oh, Ralph,,,you're afraid of your own shadow! - That's OK, dad. I'm afraid of your shadow too! It's
dr070108 -- HUMONGOUS!
dr070109 -- Cat! Cat! That's not how you call a cat, dad... - You're supposed to say "here kitty kitty kitty" in a high-pitched voice! Try it! - Here kitty kitty kitty! - That was a little too high!
dr070110 -- - - - When you need to find the cat, just follow the trail of the hair! Oddly enough, that's also how I find YOU!
dr070111 -- Nice kitty! - There! Everything is fine, see? Nothing to be upset about! - Mom says you're taking Oogie to the vet! - SHRED! - Big mouth!
dr070112 -- When Oogie chases the laser pen light into the kitty carrier, you close the door! - Hey, Norman... - Quiet, Penny! I need to concentrate!
dr070113 -- There! I did it! I finally got you into the kitty carrier! - I was scratched, clawed and bitten! My clothes were shredded! - But I prevailed! You're going to the vet! - My mistake, Ralph. Oogie's appointment is a WEEK from today!
dr070114 -- Hey Wally! Want me to throw the tennis ball? - You like it when I throw the ball, don't you?! - OK, here I go! I'm gonna throw it! Oh boy! - Here I go! I'm getting ready to throw it! Yessiree! - I'm really gonna throw it now! Almost ready! -
dr070114 -- Wally's so excited! I'm just about getting ready to throw it now! - Oh, for heaven's sakes. I'LL throw it! - BOP! Go get it, Wally!
dr070115 -- ...sigh... - Many people wonder where all the socks go that disappear from the laundry. - - If you own a dachshund, you never rave to wonder!
dr070116 -- aaaarrgg! - - skattle skattle skattle - SNATCH! HEY!! skattle skattle - Isn't it hard ENOUGH for me to put my socks on?
dr070117 -- WALLY! LET GO OFF MY SOCK!! - Thank you! - Maybe I'll just wear sandals today!
dr070118 -- HEY GIMME BACK MY SOCK! skattle skattle skattle - GIVE IT BACK, WALLY! I MEAN IT!! skattle skattle - - Well, it's ABOUT TIME somebody came home!
dr070119 -- skattle skattle skattle - GOTCHA! Hey, where'd we go the aardvark?
dr070120 -- Mom, listen to this... - Today is Wiener Dog Awareness Day! - If you own a wiener dog, EVERY day is Wiener Dog Awareness Day! skattle skattle skattle COME BACK WITH MY PANTS!
dr070121 -- Z - Darn! Six o'clock comes early! yawn - Hey, it isn't six o'clock yet! It's only 3:15! - Sweet! I can go back to sleep for three more hours. - No, wait...that's not right! Let's see...if it's 3:15, and I have to get up at six... - Carry the
dr070121 -- two... - I can sleep for another two hours and forty-five minutes! - Now I'm wide awake!
dr070122 -- I think my short story needs to be punched up a little. - What's a more interesting way to say, "See you later"? - Well, how about... - See you later!
dr070123 -- Mmm! That's tasty! - I think I'll have seconds! - Save room for dessert, Ralph! - Don't worry, mom. Dad looks like he has PLENTY of room!
dr070124 -- - - That was fun! - Dad, you're the only person I know who goes to the carwash just to watch OTHER people's cars get washed! I like to see how the other half lives!
dr071025 -- SCOOP SCOOP! - Hmmm... - Honeybunch, is it OK if I just polish off the rest of the carton? I suppose. Sweet!
dr071026 -- - - - - CLOMP! skattle skattle skattle skattle Wally loves plastic water bottles!
dr071027 -- That'll be $5.75 at the first window! OK - Pay Window Here's your change. Next window please! OK - Pick-Up Window Here's your order. Next. window, please. OK - Correction Window You got my order wrong AGAIN! ...sigh...
dr071028 -- The following program contains graphic material, adult themes, mature situations, crude humor, explicit dialogue, nudity and violence. - Viewer discretion is adviced. I say OK! Me too! - Why can't we watch that show?? Because, in this house,
dr071028 -- viewer discretion loses out to mother-of-viewer discretion!
dr070129 -- Wendy, how many chicken nuggets come in a six-piece box? My guess would be six. - My box had seven. I'll have to give one back! Give one BACK?? - To keep it would be like STEALING! I'd never be able to look at myself in the mirror again! - I
dr070129 -- don't know how you look at yourself in the mirror NOW! Today it's chicken nugget. Tomorrow it could be Grand Theft Auto!
dr070130 -- Excuse me...I just ordered a six-piece box of chicken nuggets... - But my box contained seven nuggets! - So, here's one back! - He didn't seem all that appreciative!
dr070131 -- I can't believe you returned a chicken nugget! They gave me one too many! - I'm a man of integrity. I paid for six chicken nuggets, and I... - Wait a minute! 1, 2, 3, 4, *5*! There were six nuggets in the box!! - EXCUSE ME AGAIN... I think
dr070131 -- he's one nugget short of a Happy Meal!
dr070201 -- Excuse me...I just returned a chicken nugget because I thought you gave me one too many. - But now I realize that I miscounted. So can I please have my chicken nugget back? - - Are you sure this is the same one? It looks smaller. Trust me.
dr070201 -- You're the only person who's returned a chicken nugget today!
dr070202 -- There! I got back my chicken nugget! Now I have six-exactly what I paid for! - You know, Norman, I could have SWORN you already ate one! - Really? Gosh, maybe I DID eat one! That means I need to give one back! - Me, again! Can I go on my
dr070202 -- break now, please?!
dr070203 -- First you returned a chicken nugget, then you asked for it back. Then you returned it again. Is everything OK, now? - No! My packet of barbecue sauce is unopened! Had I eaten a chicken nugget, I would have opened the sauce! They DO owe me
dr070203 -- another nugget! - EXCUSE ME AGAIN... - FLING! BAP!
dr070204 -- - Bathroom break! Time to make phone calls! I'm thirsty! Snack time! - Things have sure changed... - I remember when people used to watch the GAME and get up during the COMMERCIALS! Welcome back to Super Bowl XLI.
dr070205 -- ...sigh... - - KLUNK! - After six weeks, it's officially OK to toss your mother-in-law's dumb Christmas gift!
dr070206 -- Gee, dad...you're getting father! - Try to be a little more tactful! - Can't you think of a NICER way to say that?! - You appear to have elevated your porkage!
dr070207 -- Hi, No. - Wendy! No. - Valentine's No. - dayiscomingupandiwonderedif... No.No.No.No.No.No.No.No.No.No.No.No.No.
dr070208 -- Please remember to be quiet and courteous during the movie! - That's a sad commentary on our society! I can't believe they have to remind people to behave in the theater! - When I was a kid, they never made announcements like that! - And when
dr070208 -- you were a kid, you'd sit in the balcony and pretend to get sick! Yeah, those were the days!
dr070209 -- HELLLLLLP!! - Norman, what's wrong? Nothing, why? - You screamed for help! Oh, that was just a practice scream! - One never knows when one may need to scream for help! One can say THAT again!
dr070210 -- DING DONG! - arf ARF arf arf arf arf ARF ARF arf arf arf arf arf arf Wally, knock it off! It's just the TV! - How'd the TV get out there??
dr070211 -- Wally? - Oh, Wally? - Here, boy! - Wally? - Wally? - ...sigh... Food Court - I said go away! On second thought, maybe we don't need a canine unit!
dr070212 -- The mall is open. AND I've got a fistful of five dollar bills! - Come on, Abes! Let's go celebrate! - Mom certainly has her own way of observing Abraham Lincoln's birthday! I'm just glad she doesn't celebrate Andrew Jackson's birthday!
dr070213 -- Excuse us, Candice... - Stu was wondering if you'd care to go out with him tomorrow. - Sorry. I'm busy. - Boy, you guys are a lot of help! Stu, wen can't even get our OWN dates!
dr070214 -- RIP! - FOLD - scribble draw draw scribble - Here, Norman. I have a Valentine's card for you, too! How thoughtful!
dr070215 -- Drive Trhu Car Wash Enter - This is your all-time lamest idea for a fun evening out! After this, we'll go to Bulk Club and sample stuff!
dr070216 -- Ralph, what's wrong? My favorite cartoonist is retiring! - I look forward to that strip every day, and now it won't be there anymore! - I feel empty inside! - You don't LOOK empty inside! pat pat
dr070217 -- - We really need to get the roof fixed! I still say it's cheaper to buy more pots!
dr070218 -- Good-bye, honeybunch! - - I said, good-bye! I know. I already said good-by back! - What's wrong? Didn't I say it with enough enthusiasm? - No, I just didn't hear you, and I didn't know if YOU heard ME! - I wouldn't want you to accuse me of
dr070218 -- leaving without saying good-bye! - Good-bye for the third time! - You didn't say good-bye for the third time BACK- I sure hope nobody asks me why I was late for work this morning!
dr070219 -- Ralph, the sliding-glass door needs to be washed. Let's do it together! Together??! - Honeybunch, if you wash it yourself, it will take an hour. - If I wash it myself, it will take ten minutes! - If we wash it TOGETHER, it will take the rest
dr070219 -- of the day, and part of tomorrow! I'll get the squeegees!
dr070220 -- Come on, Ralph! Help me wash the windows! - It will be FUN to work together! We'll be PARTNERS! We'll be a TEAM! - Put something good on the radio, and we'll be done in NO time! OK. - Welcome back to the jungle, clones! I am NOT listening to
dr070220 -- sports talk!!!
dr070221 -- OK, I'll wash the windows with you. - Where's the window cleaner? It's hidden right here in plain sight! - It's disguised in that big jug that says "Window Cleaner"! - Obviously, you couldn't see it because it was right in front of you and
dr070221 -- you're a man! Wow. 3 zingers in one question!
dr070222 -- RIP! Ralph!!! - Don't use two paper towels at a time! It's wasteful! - ...sigh... - Isn't it fun working together?! I'm having a blast.
dr070223 -- Ralph, isn't it great to be working together washing the windows? - A husband and a wife working in harmony to achieve a common goal? It's beautiful! - Having said that... - LET GO OF THE WINDEX!! I HAD IT FIRST!!
dr070224 -- Bump! - squirt squirt - - - All done! Who says we don't work well together? It only took us 8.5 hours to wash a window!
dr070225 -- Hey, Wally! Wanna' chase the ball? - GO GET IT! - skattle skattle skattle - I'm gonna throw it again! - GO GET IT! - skattle skattle skattle - What a crazy dog! - I'M crazy?? YOU'RE the on who keeps throwing it away!
dr070226 -- Honeybunch, let's go out for a nice, romantic evening! - Are you kidding?! I'm not in the mood for that!! Patrick's little league coach has me so upset, I can't SEE straight!!! - He's such a JERK!! He never lets Patrick play!! I'm SO upset!!
dr070226 -- - It's nice to know my love life is in the hands of my kid's little league coach!
dr070227 -- Here, Norman. What's that, Wendy? - It's a little box of Valentine's candy. Valentine's day was two weeks ago! - I know. I gave these to everyone I could think of, and I had one left over, so here! Thanks. - It's the afterthought that counts!
dr070228 -- What's for dinner tonight? ...sigh... - I get so tired of that question! Every day, you ask what's for dinner tonight! - Can't you think of a more original question?? - What's for dinner tomorrow night?
dr070301 -- I' home from work! - My feet are killing me! - But not as bad as YOUR feet are killing me!
dr070302 -- Another little league season is underway. - Parents should be careful not to overdo it! - There are ailments associated with too much baseball. Little league elbow? - "Bleacher Butt"!
dr070303 -- Oh my GOSH!! - rip! rip! rip! shred! rip! - Norman, when a letter comes in the mail that says, "extremely urgent: open immediately," try not to panic! They're having a St.Patty's day sale at Zundel's!
dr070304 -- Hi, Penny! Wanna bake cookies or something? Sure, Kendall! Come in! - Wow! You have a pet duck??! - Yes, but don't tell my dad. He HATES duck! - He thinks that Bob is a rare south American parrot that takes on the characteristics of a duck
dr070304 -- for survival in the jungle. That's weird! - What does he think your CAT is? - A pain in the neck! SCRAM! You're getting CAT HAIR all over my PIZZA!
dr070305 -- Dad, I need some fatherly advice. - Dang! I just took my "Fatherly Advice" sweater to the cleaners! "Fatherly Advice" sweater? - You know...the one with the elbow patches, like the dad on "Father Knows Best" always wore! - You can't give me
dr070305 -- fatherly advice unless you're wearing a SWEATER??! I'll be able to give you advice after 3:00 P.M. on Thursday!
dr070306 -- Thanks for the fatherly advice, dad! Any time, Patrick! - Dad, I'd like some fatherly advice, too! Did you take a number? - A number?? Oh, yeah, huh! - I'm number 47! 3! Now serving number 3!!
dr070307 -- On "Leave It To Beaver," Mr. Cleaver would invite his son into his private study to dispense fatherly advice. - Our house doesn't have a study, so we'll use the bathroom! - I've been trying to make it LOOK more like a study! - I wondered why
dr070307 -- the globe was in here! The moose head wouldn't fit through the door!
dr070308 -- - Thanks for the advice, daddy! You're welcome, princess! - Waiting for some more fatherly advice, Norm? - No, I just need to use the bathroom! Make it snappy! I have another appointment at 4:30!
dr070309 -- Thanks for the fatherly advice, Mr. Drabble! You're welcome, Kendall! - How come other people's kids are coming to you for advice, dad? - Fatherly advice is becoming a lost art, son. Most men lack the courage! - To give advice? To wear the
dr070309 -- outfit!
dr070310 -- Thanks for the fatherly advice, Mr. Drabble! You're welcome, Stu! - Let me see if I remember it all... - "Never look a gift bird in the hand,", and "A rolling stone never rings." You got it! - It's an honor to be able to impart my wisdom to
dr070310 -- the younger generation!
dr070311 -- Norm, will you empty the wastebasket, please? Okeydoke! - - - - - - - Anything else you'd like me to do? No.
dr070312 -- Welcome back to DEAL OR NO DEAL! Our next contestant is... - Ralph Drabble! - WOOOO! WOOOO!! - I'm gonna be rich!! I'm gonna be rich!! Woo-hoo!! Hi, howdie!! smooch! Please don't kiss me again!
dr070313 -- Ralph, we have 26 beautiful models holding 26 cases! Pick one! - I pick beautiful model number 7! - Why number 7, Ralph? Howdie, I'm a happily married man, but if anything changes, I'm giving number 7 a call! - Just kidding in case my wife is
dr070313 -- watching! - Model number 7! Come back!! He better win a fortune!
dr070314 -- Ralph, you've selected case number 7! 25 cases remain! Pick a number! Case number 12! - Inside case number 12 is...one million dollars. - Wooo! I'm rich! I'm rich! I'd like to publicly tell my stupid boss that I quit!!! - Ralph, that doesn't
dr070314 -- mean you WIN a million dollars, it means you DON'T win a million dollars! Oh yeah. Never mind!
dr070315 -- Welcome back to DEAL OR NO DEAL! Things aren't going well for our contestant, Ralph Drabble! - Ralph, you have eliminated most of the big amounts... - I don't know how things can get any worse! I'm sweating like a pig, howdie! I need to take
dr070315 -- off my shirt! - Things just got worse! Ahhh! That's much better!
dr070316 -- Ralph, the biggest amount left on the board is only $500! - boodle-oodle-oop! That's the banker. He's calling with an offer! - What's he saying, howdie? What's he saying?? Jump! Jump! Jump! - He's offering you $25,000 to put your shirt back
dr070316 -- on!
dr070317 -- The biggest amount left on the board is now only $300. - Ralph, the banker says you're the most obnoxious contestant we've ever had! - He is offering you $1,000,000 to just go away! A million dollars? Let me think about this... - NO DEAL,
dr070317 -- HOWDIE!! Please?
dr070318 -- "This will hurt me more than it hurts you." tap tap tikka tikka - "This will only take a minute". tappity tick tick I've got a suggestion, Norman... - tappa tappa "I'm glad you asked that." I've got one... "Your call is very important to us."
dr070318 -- - "Our dog is normally very gentle." tap tap tap What are you doing? - I'm compiling a list of phrases that are almost never true! - Great idea, Norman. - Thank you! That was another suggestion!
dr070319 -- I learned thomething interething thith afternoon... - When the microwave pithzza inthructionth thay to let it cool off before eating, they thpeak the truth! - - Tell me again why we call Norman our "Miracle Child". - You started calling him
dr070319 -- that when he graduated high school!
dr070320 -- Ralph, you look ridiculous! - You're not going outside dressed like that, are you? - Not anymore, honeybunch! - We're a good combination. She's very critical, and I'm very critiqueable!
dr070321 -- I'm going to the self-serve ice cream machine, honeybunch! OK, Ralph! - Oooh! aahh! Wow! clap clap clap clap Awesome! Whistle! Clap clap! - Aren't you just a LITTLE embarrassed? Hey, it's not like I'll ever see any of these people again!
dr070322 -- Let me make your ice cream special, Penny... - Would you prefer the "Mount Fuji," the "Matterhorn," or the "Mount Rushmore"? - Uh... "Mount Rushmore". - Coming right up... - Voila! Wow, dad! You've got some serious soft-serve skill!
dr070323 -- Dessert Bar - Oh, that's disgusting! - You should be ashamed of yourself! - People are usually IMPRESSED when I make my ice cream this bug! Not when you go back for thirds!
dr070324 -- Dessert time at the buffet! - - Dang! - Never get behind Ralph Drabble at the soft serve machine!
dr070325 -- - HEY, YOU DUMB CAT! GET OFF MY CAR!! - GET DOWN, I SAID! DON'T MAKE ME COME OUT THERE!! - Oogie is sleeping on the car because it's warm! - She knows you'll never come out there because it's cold! - - - HONK! - I knew this remote horn honker
dr070325 -- would come in handy some day!
dr070326 -- Would you like to go to the movies tonight, honeybunch? And see what? - How about that "Chick Flick" you've been wanting to see? - That sounds great! I'll go get my purse! - Well?? Come on! You mean I have to go, too?
dr070327 -- SEE, honey?! - This guy is dressed MUCH worse than I am! - You can't say I'm the worst-dressed guy in the mall anymore! - Thanks, pal! Glad I could help!
dr070328 -- How could you be so thoughtless?! - I'd been scrubbing that floor all day long, and you tracked in mud!! - You tracked mud across the floor, eh? Yeah, five years ago! - Why is she getting mad at you for something you did five years ago?? It's
dr070328 -- been a slow day.
dr070329 -- click! BZZZZZZ - ZZZZZZZZ - ZZZZZzzzglglg! YEEOOW! - I hate it when the battery in my nose hair trimmer wears out!
dr070330 -- Excuse me, Ralph. I need to check my E-Mails. OK - - I hate sitting in that chair after you've sat in it! - There's no SQUISH left!
dr070331 -- It's going to be cold at the zoo. Everyone should wear a jacket! - We don't need jackets. The weather forecast is sunny and warm! - Wear your jackets anyway! If it's warm, we can always take them off. - ...and give them to dad!
dr070401 -- Happy april fool's day, everyone! - As you may have noticed, all the comic strips in today's paper look a little different! - In honor of april fool's day, all the cartoonists got together and decided to draw their strips with th wrong hand
dr070401 -- today! Uh, dad... - Today's Drabble strip was drawn entirely left-handed! Dad... - What?! Nobody else did it. Just us! - - OH, YOU GUYS ARE A RIOT! April fools!
dr070402 -- I don't understand it! - I got this new cell phone plan... - Your mom gets unlimited free minutes, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week... - And she STILL went over!
dr070403 -- Penny, quit dragging around that teddy bear! - You don't need to hold on it all the time! - I know it gives you a sense of security, but you need to let go of it occasionally! - I'll let go of my teddy bear if you'll let go of the TV
dr070403 -- clickers! NO WAY!!
dr070404 -- $ee you $oon, Ralph. I need to run $ome errand$! - I didn't like the sound of that!
dr070405 -- I'm filling out a job application, dad! - Let's see... "print full name" - Norman Trouble Drabble - When you were little, and I used to say "trouble is your middle name", I was just kidding! NOW you tell me!
dr070406 -- Hi! Hello! - How are you? Fine. - I don't believe we've met. My name is Norman! - I'm so excited to meet a new friend! Hang on. Some weirdo is trying to talk to me!
dr070407 -- You know what they say... - If it looks lie a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck... - It's probably a duck! - Or else it's a rare South American parrot that takes on the characteristics of a duck for survival in the jungle!
dr070408 -- I can't find any of my easter eggs! - I've looked everywhere! - The easter bunny is pretty clever, Norm. He probably hid them somewhere he knew you'd never, never look! - - - FOUND 'EM!!! Where were they hidden? - Inside my college textbooks!
dr070408 -- Hey, speaking of that, how's your spring break homework coming along?
dr070409 -- Gooood morning, DRABBLE FAMILY!! - Your home is about to become EXTREMELY MADEOVER! - Ralph, we chose your home because your application video brought tears to our eyes! - Kids, what's it like to know your dad is a hero? He's a WHAT?? Mmpff!
dr070409 -- - They're very proud!
dr070410 -- Drabble family, your home has been selected to be EXTREMELY MADEOVER! - Why didn't you TELL me they were coming?! I didn't know they'd show up at the crack of dawn! - Excuse me...I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but could you guys take your
dr070410 -- TV cameras and come back in an hour? I need a little more time to make myself presentable! Make it two hours!
dr070411 -- Drabble family, our design team has arrived to build you a brand new home! Sweet! - I was hoping you could do something like this... - That's Hearst Castle! Yeah, go nuts!
dr070412 -- Ralph, while our design team is remodeling your home... - You and your family will be sent on a week-long, all expense paid trip to... - Disney world? New York? The Carribean? Hawaii? - Spanky's Motor Lodge in Buellton! Darn! That's where we
dr070412 -- went on our honeymoon!
dr070413 -- Hello again, Drabble family! - We hope you're having a nice vacation in exciting Buellton while your home is being remodeled! - As you can see, the wrecking ball is here to demolish your house! - I sure hope you took out all of our worldly
dr070413 -- possessions! Actually, YOU were supposed to do that, Ralph! *crash**
dr070414 -- The wrecking ball has just destroyed your roof, and your fabulous remodel is underway! - Hold on, folks...I've got a call from our show's producer! Hello?...I see...'kay, bye! - Well, Drabble family, it seems that our show has just been
dr070414 -- cancelled, so... - We're outa' here. Sorry about your roof! At least we got to see Buellton! Darned contractors!
dr070415 -- Good night, honeybunch! Good night, Ralph! - Nitey-nite, Penny! Good night, daddy-o! - G'nite, boys! G'nite, dad! 'nite, pa! - YES!! I'm a FREE MAN!! - Everyone is in bed, and the house is ALL MINE!! - I can do anything I want! I can eat
dr070415 -- chips! I can watch TV! I can... - Z
dr070416 -- - - - I guess I don't quite have the hang of using my new cell phone camera!
dr070417 -- Listen to this, dad! A daily 30-minute walk can extend your life 1.3 years! - Let's see...30 minutes a day...that's 182.5 hours of walking per year... scribble - Carry the two...divide by seven... scribble scribble scribble . Forget it!
dr070417 -- That's only a net gain of six weeks...
dr070418 -- Boy, what a lousy day THIS is going to be! - It's probably going to rain! Why did I bother to get out of bed?!  - Where are you going? I'm giving a speech at the Optimist's Club! But probably no one will show up!
dr070419 -- Going for another walk, mom? Yup! Exercise is important! - I don't want to have JUNK in my TRUNK - It's bad enough having a LARD in my YARD!
dr070420 -- Your father falls asleep in that chair every night! Z - RALPH! WAKE UP AND GO TO BED!! Z - Poor dad... - In the morning, he has "BED-head", and in the evening, he had "CHAIR-hair."
dr070421 -- Ralph, have you been walking with your new pedometer? - I most certainly have, honeybunch! - So far today, I've walked 2.4 miles! - Good for you! That means it's exactly 1.2 miles to the doughnut shop!
dr070422 -- Uncle Drabble's World Of Fun! Hi, Kids! - These two pictures are almost identical, but there is at least *one mistake*! Can you figure out what it is? - Answer: Ralph made the mistake of saying, "Aw, crud! We're having spaghetti again??"
dr070423 -- Ralph, do I look fat in this dress? - - Of course not! - Liar! At least I'm a LIVE liar!
dr070424 -- No television, no toys, no iPod, no computer, and no playing outside until your attitude changes! - OK, maybe you ARE the boss of me!
dr070425 -- We're back from the movie! - What kind of movie did you see, dad? A chick flick, heavy on the "ick"!
dr070426 -- I have an amazing talent! I instinctively know the exact time of day! Go ahead, ask me the time! What time is it? - 11:42! Wrong. - 11:53? Nope. 12:27? Wrong. 1:04? Nope. 2:36? Nope. - This is still Thursday, right?
dr070427 -- Why did they give us each two forks, dad? ...sigh... - Norman, I can't believe you don't know! They ALWAYS give you two forks at finer restaurants! - How come? In case you drop one, of course! - Oh yeah, huh! You really need to get out more!
dr070428 -- YES! scoop scoop scoop  - Relax, honeybunch! The carton says this ice cream only has 90 calories per serving!
dr070429 -- ...and I'd also like to thank my family for their encouragement and support... - And I'd especially like to thank the flavors of peanut butter and chocolate for making this all possible! Dad's acceptance speech is running a little long! Oh
dr070429 -- well, it's not every day you receive a lifetime achievement award from the frozen yogurt shop! Can you wrap it up, Ralph? I've got customers!
dr070430 -- Dry Cleaners One pair of pants to be dry cleaned, please. - Do you think you can get out that big chocolate stain? It depends how long ago it occurred. - Generally speaking, the sooner you bring it to the cleaners, the better the chances are!
dr070430 -- - We should be OK, then!
dr070501 -- SNORRRRRRE! fwweeeeeeeeee! SNORRRRRE! fwweeeeeeeeee! - My husband is a sound sleeper in more ways than one! SNORK! gurgle! wheeze! SNORRRRE!
dr070502 -- Ralph, my cousin Daryl called today... - He's got a lot of bills to pay, so I decided to lend him some money. - I hope that's OK! - Most people have an extended family...we have an overextended family!
dr070503 -- - Hello, Norman... Shhh! - My mind is engaged. - Your mind's not even going steady!
dr070504 -- EGADS!! - A person with no name is calling me!! - My cell phone always displays the caller's name! How weird! I thought EVERYONE had a name! - Why would someone with no mane be calling ME?? Maybe he wants to talk to someone with no brain!
dr070505 -- I don't know what they're called, but they're a lot of fun! - We have them all over the house! - Dad doesn't like it when I play with them. diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle - That must be why he hides them behind doors!
dr070506 -- - Hey! Why are you kids playing outside?? Well, it's a nice day, and... - Do you know how much money I spent on that new video game system you just had to have?! - A BUNDLE!! And now you guys want to play OUTSIDE?? I don't think so! - Now, go
dr070506 -- play indoors! Yes, sir! - And don't give me some lame excuse about having too much homework! Way to lay down the law, dad.
dr070507 -- - Dad asked me to fill the pool so he could go swimming! - Is that all the water we have?? - That's all the water he needs!
dr070508 -- Good heavens! Why is mom yelling?! !!! - Oh... - That's just her "I'm wearing my iPod" voice! SO, WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE FOR DINNER?!!
dr070509 -- - - pop! SPLOOSH - Before you try to play with an empty water bottle, make sure it's empty!
dr070510 -- I sure wish I could ask Candice for a date! - Why don't you, Stu? I have no confidence. - I'd make a complete fool of myself! I'd mess it up! It would be a total disaster! - For a guy with no confidence, you're pretty confident! I'd get shot
dr070510 -- down so fast, everyone would call me "skeet"!
dr070511 -- Go ahead, Stu! Walk over there and ask Candice for a date! - Don't be afraid to take a shot! - YOU never take any shots! I take plenty of shots! - Unfortunately, I'm a human air ball!
dr070512 -- Oh, boy! Brownies!! They're not for you, they're for my book club! - If you eat any of these brownies, there will be serious repercussions! - In fact, if you even THINK of eating a brownie, there will be serious repercussions! - Technically,
dr070512 -- there are known as "PREpercussions"!
dr070513 -- Happy mother's day, Mom! I hope you enjoyed your mother's day brunch! - And all your cards and gifts! I did! Thank you all for everything! - So, what's for dinner tonight? Do you have time to iron my golf shirt? My gym uniform still needs to
dr070513 -- be washed! - Could you help me with my art project that's due tomorrow? Mother's day is a misnomer. It should be called "Mother's Hour-And-A-Half"!
dr070514 -- I need to put extra sunscreen on my tummy! - Whenever I sunbathe, my stomach is the only part of my body that gets sunburned! - I can't figure out why! Maybe because it's closest to the sun!
dr070515 -- Norman, I've folded all your clean laundry. - Will you take it up to your room, please? Uh...sure. - Tell me when I get to the stairs! Heaven forbid he'd have to make more than one trip!
dr070516 -- Here's your clean laundry, Patrick. - I spent a lot of time folding it, so carry it up to your room carefully! - I made it to my room without dropping anything!! Good! -
dr070517 -- Have a seat, Ralph! Thanks, Jerry! - How have you been? snip snip Fine, thanks! - How's the family? snip snip snip Oh, they're... - All done! My haircuts don't take as long as they used to!
dr070518 -- - - What's with Wally?? Beats me. - All I said was "don't bark". Crud. I thought he said "dog park"!
dr070519 -- Ralph, no hurry, but could you fix the bathroom sink? Sure! - - - In the language of marriage, !no hurry! means "get off your duff."
dr070520 -- - pick pick pick pick pick pick pick pick pick pick pick - rake rake rake - - - - You are so impatient! Why should I have to wait until October to jump into a pile of leaves?
dr070521 -- I can't understand why your mother wanted an iPod! - She said now she can listen to her favorite songs around the house without bothering anybody! - EVERYBODY WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING... - So much for that theory!
dr070522 -- I'm home! - Hi, honeybunch! Sock it to me Sock it to me Sock it to me... - AAAAAAAHH!!! - Don't sneak upon me like that!! A thundering herd of wildebeests could sneak up on you!
dr070523 -- ATTENTION, HONEYBUNCH! THIS IS YOUR HUSBAND SPEAKING! - YOU'RE PROBABLY LISTENING TO YOUR IPOD, AND I DON'T WANT TO STARTLE YOU! - I ONLY CAME HOME FOR LUNCH! DO NOT BE ALARMED!! Play that funky music... - I REPEAT... AAAAAHH! Dang.
dr070524 -- With her iPod on, your mom can't hear a word I say! Watch... - Honeybunch, I met another woman! We're running away to Brazil! Hope you don't mind! - First I'm going to have a slice of that cake you baked for your mother! - If you touch that
dr070524 -- cake, you'll live to regret it!! Apparently, she's OK with the Brazil thing though!
dr070525 -- - - - Honeybunch, I can't believe you have these songs on your iPod!! I don't! That's mine, dad!
dr070526 -- - - - I've discovered that it's more fun to be a people-watcher than a people-watchEE!
dr070527 -- - - - - - - - - Ralph, I asked you a question! Does my new dress make me look chunky? Why aren't you answering?! My life is still flashing before my eyes!
dr070528 -- The average person eats 35,000 cookies in a lifetime! - I'm living on borrowed time!
dr070529 -- Beat it, you dumb dog! - skattle skattle skattle - I said, "beat it, you dumb dog," not "let's go for a walk"! You need to enunciate!
dr070530 -- Whoa! I have a brain freeze! - Believe it or not, Wendy, I have never had a brain freeze! - - nah...too easy!
dr070531 -- ...nine...ten...ELEVEN FEET! See, Patrick? Your oom IS bigger than mine! - Now, help me pick up all these foot-long hot dogs! We really need to by a tape measure!
dr070601 -- - - Oogie - If you ever want to find the cat, all you have to do is follow the trail of fur! Why would I ever want to find the cat?
dr070602 -- Spectator slowing on the northbound... Stayin' Alive Stayin' Alive... - Thank you for taking my call... ...a very pleasant good day to you wherever you may be... - Stop! In the name of... Welcome back to the jungle, clones! Down in the west
dr070602 -- Texas town of El Paso... The "scan" button is perfect for people with short attention spans!
dr070603 -- - - WHIFF! - ! - WHIFF! - !! - WHIFF! WHIFF! WHIFF! WHIFF! WHIFF! WHIFF! - One wiener dog plus one box of tissues equals a few minutes of solid entertainment!
dr070604 -- In England, crowds gather every day to watch the changing of the guard! - We have a similar daily occurrence in this country. - The changing of the gas prices! BOO!
dr070605 -- Oops! I dropped a nickel! - - Why did you drop all these other coins? - I didn't want to bend over for just a nickel!
dr070606 -- Mom... - Can I go over to Tyler's house? - I suppose. Thx. - What's with the thumbs? Too much texting!
dr070607 -- I want you to know, Wendy, that I'm nothing without you! - Unfortunately, you're nothing WITH me, either! No now...don't put yourself down!
dr070608 -- SPLOOSH! - I hate it when Mom makes me wash the windows! - - Mee too. Sorry, my bad!
dr070609 -- Wendy, before I go, I'd like to leave you with a thought... - - - Don't hurt yourself, Norman! I might have to get back to you...
dr070610 -- - Hey, what are you doing?? - I'm throwing away your old shirt! It's got stains all over it! - Those aren't STAINS! Those are MEMORIES!! - This is a ketchup stain from a hot dog I ate at an American League playoff game in 2002! - And this
dr070610 -- spaghetti sauce stain is from new year's eve, 2005! Remember? - And I got this chili stain at the county fair last summer! How could you even THINK of throwing this away?! - Some people take photos to remember the past...my husband spills
dr070610 -- food on himself!
dr070611 -- Hmm...this green looks fast! - I always marvel at how golfers can tell if a green is fast just by looking at it! - The speed-bump is a tip-off!
dr070612 -- - ** - It wasn't pretty, but I'm out of the trap! Any "out" is a nice "out"!
dr070613 -- - - Nope. This ball is a Callaway number two. Mine was a number one. Keep looking. - As long as our family has a pet duck, I might as well make use of him!
dr070614 -- Oh boy! Here comes the wagon! It's about time!! - In addition to the snack wagon, some of the tougher golf courses also offer the psychiatric counseling wagon! Help me, doc! This game makes me crazy, but I keep coming back for more!
dr070615 -- How was your golf course, Ralph? Terrible! - How many balls did you lose? Two. - That's not so bad, is it? - Unfortunately, he also lost a putter, his 3-wood, and the golf cart!
dr070616 -- - - WHACK! - The course marshal told us to pick up the pace!
dr070617 -- Where's Patrick? Upstairs, using the computer. - Will you pleas let him know that dinner is ready? Sure! - - Hello? - Mom says dinner's ready! - He'll be down in a minute! Thanks. - Want me to text him to wash his hands? I miss the good old
dr070617 -- days when our kids would just holler at each other!
dr070618 -- Darn! There are no close parking spaces! - That means I'm going to have a long walk! - ...sigh... Fitness Gym
dr070619 -- What's wrong, Bob? - You seem a little depressed. - Why so down-in-the-beak? - Ha ha! Get it? Joining this comic strip was a bad career move!
dr070620 -- I'm wasting my career! - What am I doing in this comic strip, anyway? - I never get any good lines! - Who does? Good point!
dr070621 -- I've had it! I'm tired of being underutilized around here! - I'm going to go outside and take a long waddle! - Let's hope I don't meet with all fowl play! - See the kind of witty material you've been all missing?
dr070622 -- Bob the Duck ran away from home! - We better find him! He's probably halfway  to Brazil by now! - Bob! I thought you ran away from home! Dang! You mean this is still part of our home out here?
dr070623 -- Bob, running away from home is just a quack for help! - I'm sorry you feel like we've been ignoring you in this strip! - Our editor is making a note to enure you're treated with more respect around here! - Editor's Note Treat duck with more
dr070623 -- respect. Ed. ...sigh...
dr070624 -- Watch closely, Penny, and I'll demonstrate the proper way to blow bubbles! - First, you dip the wand into the bottle, like so... - dip dip dip - Then you hold the wand in front of your mouth... - And take a big, deep breath, like this... - -
dr070624 -- AAAKKKK! COUGH! COUGH! AAKK!! Some people would say Norman's head is half empty. I prefer to think of it as half full!
dr070625 -- Wendy, I was wondering if you'd...uh...like to go steady with me. - Norman, I thought you'd never ask! - No. - I've been looking forward to that for so long! - Glad you enjoyed it.
dr070626 -- How was your doctor's appointment, Ralph? - He gave me some new diet pills! - He promised me the weight will drop off if I follow the instructions! - "Take one pill three times a day, on empty stomach."
dr070627 -- - - - That's not fair! Son, the day you can beat me to the TV clicker, you'll be a man!
dr070628 -- Son, a boy doesn't just "get" to use the TV clicker... - He earns the privilege by becoming quicker than his father! - When the day comes that you can grab this clicker away from me, then you can keep it forever! - Really?? Yeah, but don't
dr070628 -- get your hopes up. I didn't get it from my dad 'til I was 37!
dr070629 -- ...yawn... - - ZOT! - Nith trhy.
dr070630 -- - - - Dang! That was a close one!
dr070701 -- - - - ? - ATTENTION! This bag of chocolate chips is to be used for baking cookies! - They are NOT to be eaten by the handful! - Unless you intend to bake chocolate chip cookies, please return this bag to the pantry. - Thank you for your
dr070701 -- cooperation. The MOMagement.
dr070702 -- There's mud tracked all across my clean floor!! - Bad dog!
dr070703 -- Good heavens! - What are you doing in THERE?? Swimming! - That's disgusting! How come? - I have to DRINK that water!
dr070704 -- Hey, you stupid duck! What are you doing in my pool?!! - The QUACK stroke! - Bad answer!
dr070705 -- I'm off to the gym, honeybunch! - The gym?? Yeah...I looked at myself in the mirror this morning. - I need to do some work on my upper body. - ...before it becomes part of my lower body!
dr070706 -- You ate that entire pie??? - You shouldn't have done that! - Hindsight is easy! - And your HIND is easy to SIGHT!
dr070707 -- Norm! Patrick! Do you guys know what's special about today? - Yeah, the date is 7-7-7! It happens once every century! - Really? Wow! - Well, in any case, it's also free fries day at Galtburger!
dr070708 -- - Oogie! What are YOU doing here?? - I mean, how's my favorite kitty? You're a GOOD kitty, aren't you? Yes, you are! - You wouldn't do anything mean and rotten! That's because you're nice and good! In fact, you're the nicest... lick lick lick
dr070708 -- - POP! - SSSSSSSSSssssssssssssss Stupid cat!
dr070709 -- Patrick's Lemonade $3 $3 for a LEMONADE?? That's outrageous! How can you justify that??! - Everything costs $3 these days! A cup of coffee, a gallon of gas, a frozen yogurt... - It seems to be a matter of pride in our society to pay no less
dr070709 -- than $3  for everything! - But if that's too pricey for you, I under- Make mine to go!
dr070710 -- Patrick's Lemonade $3 Do you have anything with no sugar no caffeine? One lemonade-lite coming up! -
dr070711 -- Patrick's Lemonade $3 How's business, little brother? Can't complain! - Dad says I need to find a summer job. - Could I work for you? Fill out an application.
dr070712 -- Patrick's Lemonade $3 Fill out the job application on both sides. - OK, let's see... 1. "Name"... 2. "Previous Experience"... - 3. "Would it bother you to be bossed around by your little brother?" MISTER little brother to you!
dr070713 -- Patrick's Lemonade $3 Thank you for filling out a job application, Norman! - It just happens that I'm currently looking for someone with brains and ambition! - But if I can't find anyone like that, I'll give you a call!
dr070714 -- Patrick's Lemonade $3 Hi Stu! Hi Leonard! How sad! - What could be worse than working at your little brother's lemonade stand? - Norman, I'm going to have to let you go. Any other questions? Does this mean there's a job offering?
dr070715 -- OUT! - OUT??!! - You made a TERRIBLE call, Blue! I made a terrible call??! What about YOU?! - What kind of manager calls for a sacrifice bunt with TWO OUTS?! Uhh... - Or trying to send a runner from first to third on an infield single?! Well,
dr070715 -- I... - Or having a runner try to steal second with the bases loaded?! That was a little mix-up! - YOU'VE made more bad calls than I have today! You're a disgrace to the game!! - Stop it! Isn't the MANAGER supposed to kick dirt on the UMPIRE??
dr070716 -- It's cooling off! - Time to put my sweatshirt back on! - untie untie - You're one person who shouldn't tie a sweatshirt around his waist!
dr070717 -- ATM We need more cash! - boop beep boop It's amazing how fast we go through it! - Thank goodness for these machines! beep beep boop - It's not good when your wife can operate the ATM without looking at it!
dr070718 -- You think I'm a geek, don't you? - Of course not, Norman! - Geeks usually have some sort of useful technological knowledge. - And no one can accuse you of that! Really?? Thank you!
dr070719 -- You're hard to categorize, Norman. - You're not really a GEEK, and you're not a DWEEB exactly... - You're sort of a cross between a dweeb and a geek! - I'm a DWEEK!
dr070720 -- Wendy, it doesn't matter if you think I'm a dweeb, a geek or a dweek... - For I know there are really only two kinds of people in the world... - Those who MAKE things happen, those who WAIT for things to happen, and those who ASK what
dr070720 -- happened! - ...and also, those, who don't know what happened! Don't forget those who can't count!
dr070721 -- Uh-ho! We better fast-forward the movie right here! Yeah, there's a ragy scene coming up! - Close your eyes, mom and dad! I miss the good old days when PARENTS used to monitor what their KIDS saw!
dr070722 -- Oh no... - SHIELD YOUR EYES!! - Dad, please! Never ever take your shirt OFF until we put our sunglasses ON!
dr070723 -- - - - Why do you go over speed bumps so fast??! Why do you put on makeup in the car??!
dr070724 -- Cody! Stop throwing sand on your sister! NO! - You asked for it! Go see Mr. Drabble! - - OK, I'll stop! Thank you, Mr. Drabble! "Have glare, will travel"
dr070725 -- This stupid duck is driving me crazy!! - Actually, dad, Bob isn't a duck, remember? - He's a rare south American parrot that takes on the characteristics of a duck for survival in the jungle! - So, why is he living in a tract home in the
dr070725 -- suburbs??! Our backyard looks like a jungle!
dr070726 -- You know, Bob, I appreciate the fact that, in reality, you're a rare south American parrot that takes o the characteristics of a duck for survival in the jungle... - But around here, you stand a better chance of survival if you DON'T act like
dr070726 -- a duck!
dr070727 -- AH-CHOO!! - sniff! - How come you didn't say "bless you"?! - Ahh-CHOO!! Because you always sneeze twice! Bless you!
dr070728 -- Honeybunch, is it OK if I eat this last muffin? Yes! - Penny likes those for breakfast, but I can always run to the store and buy more. - Hopefully they'll still have them in stock. Sometimes they run out. I just hope I can get there before
dr070728 -- they close! - That "yes" sounded like a "no" in disguise!
dr070729 -- ...Sigh... - - - - Wally's Toys - scattle scattle scattle - Wally's toys never get put away for more than five seconds!
dr070730 -- - WHAM! - A little help!
dr070731 -- I am reminded of another long and pointless story... - You're good to go, Norman! - OK, thanks! - Wait a minute...I didn't WANT to go!
dr070801 -- - - Hey Norm, help me out! Did I put on my pants? Not yet. - OK, thanks! You know, it might be time to invest in a treadmill!
dr070802 -- Here, Ralph. I bought you a pair of "cargo" pants! - What are "cargo" pants?? - They're made with extra room for guys like you who have more to carry around! - Oh yeah! Look at all the pockets! That's not necessarily what I was referring to!
dr070803 -- Keys, wallet, cell phone... - Comb, pen, ice cream scooper, a can of aerosol cheese. - Ketchup, mustard, salt and pepper, chocolate syrup, TV remote.. - Let's see...what else will I need today? I'm glad you're enjoying your new "cargo" pants!
dr070804 -- - - - The only problem with "cargo" pants is that I can never find my phone!
dr070805 -- Tell me again why I have to stand here! Because YOU'RE the one who forgot the umbrella! It's OK, dad! You provide more shade anyway!
dr070806 -- $%"§%§%&$&$ - $§$%$%§$%&$&$%& - Yes, dear! - That's usually the best answer when I have no idea what she's talking about!
dr070807 -- How can I be sure this is really a South American Parrot? - Bob spent time in Brazil! He's fluent in Portuguese! - Quanto custa para alugar uma cadeira de conves? - That means "how much does it cost to rent a deck chair?" Something tells me
dr070807 -- he didn't spend that much time there!
dr070808 -- Honeybunch, I'm going to play golf! No, you're not! - We're all going to the beach today, remember? Oh yeah, huh! - What the heck. Either way, I spend the day in the sand!
dr070809 -- ...twenty-nine...THIRTY! - Out of the way, dad! I'm coming in the pool! - Want another twinkle, Norm? Sure! - Dang! Now I have to wait another half hour! Hee hee!
dr070810 -- Could somebody help me with the door? - Kids? Could one of my children help me with the door? Please? - Never mind. I got it! - I hope I never need a kidney!
dr070811 -- I'm back from the mall! - Here, Ralph. I bought you another pair of pants. I hope they fit you! - "Relaxed Fit" sweatpants. - Yeah, those should be OK!
dr070812 -- 20 Minute Parking Only 20 Minute Parking Only 20 Minute Parking Only 20 Minute Parking Only Dad, why are you taking up three parking spaces? We're going to be in the store for an hour!
dr070813 -- This hole is 217 yards long. Water on the left, sand on the right! - How do you suggest I play it, caddy? - Try to hit the ball off the condo so that it ricochets back on the cart path, takes a wild bounce, and lands five feet from the pin! -
dr070813 -- I CAN'T DO THAT! You did it last time!
dr070814 -- Darn! I can't find my ball marker! - Do you have anything to mark my ball with? Sure, dad! - - How's that? Dad's Ball-->
dr070815 -- Can I hit one, dad? No, you don't know how. - Golf is a game of skill. Only after years of practice and dedication will you be able to hit a golf ball without embarrassing yourself! - blap! - And even THEN it's practically impossible!
dr070816 -- OK, Norm. Although you're not an experienced golfer, I'll let you take a shot! - First, think about club selection. It's 178 yards to the pin. The wind is blowing from the east... - Select your club carefully. Hmm... - This is a pretty one!
dr070817 -- - - FORE!! I haven't even hit the ball yet!! Sorry.
dr070818 -- - - - tokkl-okkl! - A HOLE_IN-ONE?!! That's good, right?
dr070819 -- - AAUGHH! - There goes the strangest thing I've ever seen! - Yeah, I've never seen a person being attacked by butterflies either! - There were BUTTERFLIES??
dr070820 -- A hole-in-one! I can't believe you got a hole-in-one!! - You've never even PLAYED GOLF before!! - I've played all my life! I've spent countless hours and dollars trying to achieve perfection, and YOU achieve it on the FIRST TRY!! - I feel
dr070820 -- terrible! You'll probably get your name in the paper and everything!
dr070821 -- Club House My son here just shot a hole-in-one. Congratulations!! - We'll be adding your name to our Wall of Fame! - Here are some gifts! An "I shot an ace" shirt, a cap, some balls and tees... - You must be a proud father! Oh, shut up!
dr070822 -- Club House It's not fair...I've played golf for 30 years... - Norman plays for the first time, shoots a hole-in-one, and now everyone's making a fuss over him! RING! - He gets publicity, adulation, gifts... - Congratulatory phone calls...
dr070822 -- Norman, it's Lefty on line two! Thanks for calling, Tiger! Kiss the baby!
dr070823 -- We're here with Norman Drabble, who scored a hole.in-one today on his very first golf shot! - Tell us about it, Norman! Well, my strategy was to drive the green and put the ball in the hole on the third bounce! - Unfortunately, it took four
dr070823 -- bounces, so there's room for improvement! And Norman's proud father Ralph is also here... - What do YOU have to say, Mr. Drabble? I played pretty well myself! I had a birdie on the... OK, back to you in the studio!
dr070824 -- Mr. Drabble, you were a witness to your son's remarkable hole-in-one. Tell us about it! - It was dumb luck. - - Anything you'd like to add to that? He used MY BALL and MY CLUB! I should get SOME credit!!
dr070825 -- Norman, do you think your father is jealous of your hole-in-one? Absolutely not! My dad thought me everything I know! - He taught me how to tee it up and how to follow through! My dad is the greatest! - I LOVE YOU, SON!! - He also thought me
dr070825 -- how to kick the ball out of the rough when no one's looking! OK, son! That's enough praise! sniff!
dr070826 -- I think I'm catching a cold. - Maybe a peanut butter and jelly sandwich will make me feel better! - Wait a minute...is it "feed a cold, starve a fever" or "starve a cold, feed a fever"? - "Feed a cold, starve a fever." Thanks! - I can't get
dr070826 -- the lid off. Is it "righty-tighty, lefty-loosey" or "righty-loosey, lefty-tighty"? - It's "righty-tighty, lefty-loosey." - You sure do get your phrases mixed up! - Then again, he's not the sharpest light bulb in the tool shed!
dr070827 -- The weather is hot, and autumn is just around the corner. - This is what's known as the Dog Days of Summer! - Or, in our case, the WIENER DOG days of summer! skattle skattle skattle  Interesting how they always come in packs of ten! skattle
dr070827 -- skattle skattle
dr070828 -- If you're really a rare south American parrot, then what does this mean... - "Meu cellular esta com defeito" "My cell phone is defective! - How do you know Portuguese?? - I'm part Portugoose!
dr070829 -- I just want you to know, dad, that I wouldn't be the person I am today if it wasn't for you! - How com I get blamed for everything?
dr070830 -- Wow! I look pretty snazzy! - ...if I do say so myself! - - ...and, apparently, I'm going to have to!
dr070831 -- Is this "Taco Tuesday"? - No, this is an Italian restaurant. We don't serve tacos here. - And besides, it's Friday! - Never hurts to ask!
dr070901 -- Mmm-MMM! I feel like a new man already! - Dad's idea of health food is strawberry ice cream!
dr070902 -- Ralph, for heaven's sake! Park the car already! - Yeah, dad! Why are we going to the very back of the parking lot?? - Because when you have a fancy new car, you like to park it as far away as possible and hope that no one parks next to you! -
dr070902 -- New car owners can be a little paranoid! - Oh yeah, huh! That makes sense! - ...except we don't HAVE a new car! Your father like to park right next to the new car owners just to annoy them! It's a long walk, but well worth it!
dr070903 -- Why on earth don't you take off your shirt? I'm afraid I'll be the worst-looking man on the beach! - Never mind!
dr070904 -- 'bye, kids! Enjoy your first day of school! - Remember, don't hug anyone, don't kiss anyone and don't touch anyone! - And don't say anything that can be misconstrued, or do anything that could result in costly legal action! - And look both
dr070904 -- ways before crossing the street! You worry too much!
dr070905 -- I've always wondered something... - What do cartoonists do if they can't think of of a funny punch line? - SPOILER ALERT!! If you don't want to know how this strip ends...READ NO FURTHER! - They sometimes try to create a diversion! It rarely
dr070905 -- works!
dr070906 -- - When I comb my hair like this, does it remind you of any rock stars? - As a matter of fact, yes! - 'N Sync!
dr070907 -- 'bye, kids! Have a good day at school! - Those are more expensive than backpacks, but in the long run, we'll save money on chiropractors!
dr070908 -- Dad, have you ever considered buying one of those talking navigational systems? - Move out of this lane, Ralph. It's going too slow! Turn left at the next signal! Not this signal, but the one after that... No.
dr070909 -- Nice shot, dad! Thank you, caddy! - I'm kind of tired, so I rented a cart for today's round! Sweet! - Drop me off at the outhouse!
dr070910 -- ...and I'll have the chicken pasta with mushrooms, peppers and onions. - But hold the mushrooms because the last time I ordered this, I had a violent reaction! - Of course, maybe the onions and peppers gave me the violent reaction. - I guess
dr070910 -- we'll find out! - Did I say I'd have dinner with you tonight? I meant to say I'm busy!
dr070911 -- Restaurant Wendy, are you embarrassed to be seen in public with me? - Whatever gives you that idea?
dr070912 -- I need to find a new girlfriend. - There are 10,000 women at this school. If I stand here and ask each and every one for a date, someone is bound to say yes! - Hello. I'm Norman Drabble. And you are...? - Not interested. O-for-one.
dr070913 -- Hello. I'm Norman. Would you like to go with me? No! - Why did you ask a total stranger to go out with you? - There are 10,000 women on this campus. If I ask every single one of them for a date, someone is bound to say yes! - Why don't you
dr070913 -- just try the Internet? Where's the romance in THAT??
dr070914 -- Hi, I'm Norman! Would you like to... - Oh, OK! - Sorry to bother you again! - If they've already said no, they get a hand stamp!
dr070915 -- Hi, I'm Norman. Would you like to go out with me? No. - Hi, I'm Norman. Would you like to go out with me? No. - Hi, I'm Norman. Would you like to go out with me? - OK! Sorry, I'm busy!
dr070916 -- - putt! - roll roll roll! - roll roll roll bounce bounce! - roll roll bounce bounce bounce! bounce! - The green is a little fast! That putt went longer than your drive! bounce bounce bounce roll roll bounce bouncy bounce
dr070917 -- Dad, can we go over to Uncle Tim's house? - What for? I want to practice a new skateboard trick! - Why do you want to do it at Uncle Tim's house? - Because the TV said: "do not try this at home! I've got the fire extinguisher!
dr070918 -- Don't tuck in your shirt, Ralph! - It doesn't look good like that! - We're going to a nice restaurant, and I want you to look your best! - How's this? Maybe we'll just order a pizza!
dr070919 -- Wally, you got nose prints all over the glass door! - Now I have to clean it again! - Darn that Wally! - Donuts Darn that Mr. Drabble!
dr070920 -- CRUCH CRUCH Ralph, will you please clean out the attic? - What did you say, honeybunch? - CRUCH CRUNCH CRUNCH I asked you to clean out the attic! - Say what? Never try to talk to Ralph when he's eating pork rinds!
dr070921 -- - Hello, and welcome to Gasland! - We've installed televisions on all our gas pumps so we can play commercials and make even MORE money!!! - HA HA HA HA Just when I though buying gas couldn't get any more unpleasant!
dr070922 -- Wow! They're selling snow cones at the far end of the soccer field! - Would you like one, honeybunch? - Yes! That sounds good! OK! - Bring me back a red one!
dr070923 -- - FORE!!! - - WHACK! - SEE?!! Maybe you'd do better if you exuded more confidence...
dr070924 -- Welcome To The Ballpark! I'm glad we could come to the baseball game, Ralph! - I love all the sights and sounds...and those unmistakable smells of the ballpark! Me too. - The hot dogs, the roasted peanuts, the team... - The team smells?
dr070924 -- They're already mathematically eliminated for next year! WE'RE NUMBER 29!!
dr070925 -- Look, Ralph! They're doing the "Kiss-Cam"! Huh? - They show couples on the big screen, they kiss, and the crowd cheers! - Maybe they'll put US on it! - I'm going to the bathroom! COME BACK HERE!
dr070926 -- Honeybunch, I know you're hoping that they put us on the "kiss-cam", but you have to be realistic! - There are 50,000 people in this stadium! - What are the chances they'd put US on the "kiss-cam"? - Pretty good, if you call ahead and give
dr070926 -- them your seat numbers! AAAHH!
dr070927 -- Ralph, come on! We're on the "kiss-cam"! - If you kiss me, the crowd will cheer! If you don't, we'll get booed and pelted with stadium trash! - - Well?? I'M THINKING IT OVER!
dr070928 -- Ralph, I know you're embarrassed to be on the "kiss-cam! in front of 50,000 people... - But if you don't kiss me, you will suffer the consequences! Hey, I'm not afraid of being booed! - SMOOCH SMOOCH KISS KISS KISS SMACK SMACK SMOOCH! - Oh,
dr070928 -- those consequences! clap clap clap! You can be the "kisser" or the "kissee"! Yay! Cheer!
dr070929 -- Watch the big screen, Wendy! It's time for the "kiss-cam"! - I called the stadium earlier, gave them our seat numbers, and asked them to put us on the "kiss-cam"! - KISS-CAM - I said, seats 17 and 18!!
dr070930 -- Norm, before I invite you to my study to have a father and son talk, give me a few more minutes to redecorate! - Redecorate?? How come? - I want my study to look exactly like Mr. Cleaver's study on "Leave It To Beaver." Why? - For
dr070930 -- inspiration! Everything I know about being a good father, I learned from watching all those great old black and white sitcoms! - OK! Come in! - Wow! Nice job! Have a seat, Beav...I mean, Norm!
dr071001 -- Anti-snoring nasal strips, and one box of gas-away pills... - Gee, it must be fun to live with! - ...a half gallon of ice cream, and a box of donuts. Not exactly a health nut, are you? - Aren't grocery checkers supposed to mind their own
dr071001 -- business? Yes, but I'm retiring tomorrow!
dr071002 -- Ralph, will you please carry in the groceries? No sweat! - And will you put away all the frozen foods? No sweat! - And then will you vacuum out the car? - I'm starting to dampen.
dr071003 -- I HATE these automatic paper towel dispensers!! - I'm waving my hands around, but nothing's happening! I can't tell if it has a motion sensor or a heat sensor or... - WHIFF! - It has an INTELLIGENCE sensor!
dr071004 -- @*!!!!*!! - - That's enough of the computer games for now! Time to do my homework! - Now THAT'S a power point!
dr071005 -- I'm home! - Home?? You mean you were gone??! Yes, I went shopping! - Do you mean to tell me I had the house all to myself and I didn't even KNOW it?? - I could have been ENJOYING MYSELF!! Nice to see you, dear!
dr071006 -- There's a very good reason you shouldn't drink milk from the carton! - Why? - Because I do it, too! - SPFFF!!
dr071007 -- Hmmm... - - TV clickers... - - Aerosol cheese - - - Going on pockets on wash day takes forever since Ralph started wearing cargo pants!
dr071008 -- Here's your new cell phone, Ralph! New cell phone?? - Why would I want a new cell phone? I just figured out how to use my OLD cell phone! - I signed up for a new plan, and we're getting new phones! How come? - Let's start this conversation
dr071008 -- over: here's your new cell phone, Ralph!! Thank you!
dr071009 -- Ralph, you'll love this new cell phone! I don't want a new cell phone! - It even has a camera! Why would I need a camera in my cell phone?? - Am I supposed to take pictures of myself?? Of course not! - It doesn't have a wide-angle lens!
dr071010 -- I'm glad you're reading the instruction manual, Ralph! - Your new cell phone will be easy to use if you just make an effort to learn now! Stop being afraid of modern technology! - Thanks for finally deciding to join the 21st century! - This
dr071010 -- is the instruction manual for my eight-track tape player!
dr071011 -- Oh, honeybunch... - Wha...? click! - DELETE THAT PICTURE IMMEDIATELY!! I'm starting to dig this camera phone!
dr071012 -- - - - Mom's right. A roll of paper towels doesn't go as far as it used to! Now let's try the toothpaste!
dr071013 -- WAAAAAHHH!! - Penny, what's wrong? sniff - I asked dad if there was macaroni and cheese in heaven, and he said no!! - Well, think about it, honeybunch! In heaven, the macaroni would be so good, it wouldn't NEED cheese!
dr071014 -- Bakersfield, California! - Pottstown, Pennsylvania! chucke chucke! snort! - Missoula, Montana! HA HA HA HA hee hee hee - Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan! HEE ha ha haha HEE HA HA hee hee - Walla Walla, Washington! WWAAAH HA HA HA HA HA snort! snort! -
dr071014 -- What on earth is so funny?? Dad's doing his Larry King impression! Chattanooga, Tennessee! Hallo!
dr071015 -- I still can't figure out how to work this stupid cell phone! - Ralph, you're just technologically hopeless! That's not true!! - I'm just very, very tired! - Why are you tired? - I have to stay up to watch the late late show because I can't
dr071015 -- figure out how to program the VCR!
dr071016 -- Want fries with your chili dog, Mr. Drabble? No thanks. - Onion rings? Nachos? Chips? Nope. - How come? Because I just had dinner an hour ago! - No wonder I can't lose any weight. Everyone tries to tempt me!
dr071017 -- - - You should probably fix the roof before the rainy season! It's on my "to do" list.
dr071018 -- It's really coming down outside, mom! - I don't think we should have to go to school today! Yeah, it's probably closed, anyway. - Oh, I doubt it... - I've never heard of a school being "leafed" out! It could happen!
dr071019 -- - - AAAAHH! - It can be fun having a husband who gets up at night and tries to find out where I hid the Halloween candy!
dr071020 -- I tend to eat all the Halloween candy before the trick-or-treaters even get to my house! - They're getting wise to me, though... - Every year they show up earlier and earlier! - TRICK OR TREAT! Sorry, you're too late again!
dr071021 -- Isn't modern science amazing, honeybunch? - Who knew that one little pill could make such a difference?! - I feel like my old self again! - I never thought I'd be able to enjoy life to the fullest anymore! - But thanks to the wonders of
dr071021 -- medicine, I have a new lease on life! - All right! Enough, already! - Hurry up and take that lactose pill before your ice cream melts!
dr071022 -- - tap tap tap - AAAAAAHHH!!! - That's a mean thing to do to someone who's watching "Creature From The Black Lagoon."
dr071023 -- Hello! How can I help you today? - We'll lift the eyes...remove these deep creases, and sculpt your nose! - But first, some liposuction! "Pumpkin Carver, 90210"
dr071024 -- - - - Thweet! I only mithed thoo! Interesting way of eating a bowl of candy corn!
dr071025 -- carve carve carve - - carve carve carve - Why don't YOU just sit on the front porch?
dr071026 -- Ralph, you should have read the invitation more carefully... Sorry, honeybunch. - It's the weekend before Halloween! I just assumed it was a costume party!
dr071027 -- Great Halloween decorations, Ralph! - I love the spiders and cobwebs all over your house! - And the bones scattered around the front yard are a nice touch! - Great job! I haven't put up any Halloween decorations!
dr071028 -- The autumn leaves are really pretty! - If you look at them closely, you'll be amazed at how highly detailed they are! - Wow! You're right! - They even have nutritional information! Ralph, if you're going to eat all of our Halloween candy,
dr071028 -- find a better hiding place! This was perfect until the leaves started falling!
dr071029 -- Here it is! The dumbest-looking pumpkin in the entire patch! Way to go, mom! - The dumbest-looking pumpkin always makes the best jack-o'-lantern! - How did you ever find it, mom? - Let's just say I have a knack for picking out the
dr071029 -- dumb-looking ones!
dr071030 -- OK, guys! It's time to put on your costumes! - I understand the "Halloweener Dog", but what's with the bird?? Trick or tweet!
dr071031 -- chirp chirp! - trick or treat - ...sigh... - I miss the good old days before text messaging!
dr071101 -- Halloween is over...the kids are in bed! Now, where did they hide their bags of candy? - - - Now I know why they all wanted to use pillow cases!
dr071102 -- Time to take down the Halloween decorations! - What about the signs? I think I'll leave those up in case any of your relatives drop by for the holidays. Turn back now! Trespassers will be eaten! Go away! This means you!! Beware
dr071103 -- Dad, can I drive the car to the store? I suppose. - Be careful! - Don't drive too fast, don't talk on the cell phone, and don't tailgate! - AND DON'T CHANGE ALL MY RADIO BUTTONS!!
dr071104 -- - tweet tweet tweet tweet -  tweet tweety tweet tweet -  tweety tweet tweet tweet -  tweet tweet tweet tweet - AAAAAHHH!! THERE'S A BIRD IN MY PANTS!!  tweety tweet tweet tweet! - It was probably kind of mean, but I changed his ring tone when
dr071104 -- he wasn't looking!
dr071105 -- Dad, I've decided to become a ventriloquist! - I'd like you to meet Pancho! Say hello, Pancho! - Hi! My name is Toncho! I'm a hand puppet! - Ow! That gave me a cramp! I guess I'll have to live vicariously through YOUR achievements, Patrick!
dr071106 -- I'm fat! No, you aren't! - You're just saying that because you have to! I am not! - You mean, you WOULDN'T feel like you had to tell me I wasn't fat?? Uhhh... - Boy, what an uncompassionate LOUT! What happened here??
dr071107 -- I'm fat! Honeybunch, you look the same as you did when I married you! - So, you're saying I was fat when we got married?? - That's the meanest thing you've ever said to me! No it isn't! - What about last night when I said, "this is the best
dr071107 -- dinner you've ever made"??
dr071108 -- I don't understand...it's 7:00 A.M., and those morning TV hosts are Chipper and Perky and look like a million bucks! - I prefer the hosts of the OTHER morning show. - Good morning. What's good about it?! They're more realistic!
dr071109 -- Watch this...I saw it on "Stupid Pet Tricks"... - I put a cookie on his nose like this, and he can't eat it until I say so! - I love it when he starts to drool!
dr071110 -- ...sigh... - I KNOW I'm in the slowest-moving lane, honeybunch! I'll move over as soon as I can!! - - Force of habit!
dr071111 -- KLUNK! - roll roll - - - trip! - - - Penny, the next time I order you to get me a soda, move a little faster! Just don't open that until I get back into the house!
dr071112 -- Hi, dad! No. - Why do you always assume I'm going to ask you for money? No. - Why can't I just say hi to you without thinking I want something? No. - I promise to pay you back! No.
dr071113 -- One pack of gum and one quart of milk. - Do you have any coupons? No. - Do you have a V.I.P. customer savings card? No. - What a loser! That'll be $35! Something tells me I need one of those V.I.P. customer savings cards!
dr071114 -- We're running late, Ralph. - I'll have to put on my makeup while you're driving! - In that case, I'll go really really slow! - I MEANT BECAUSE IT WOULD BE LESS BUMPY!!
dr071115 -- WHIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR Did you ask one of the kids to vacuum upstairs? No. - WHIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR That probably is not a good sound then, is it? It's never good when the kids vacuum without being asked!
dr071116 -- Yes! Paper Towels 1/2 Off - Why so many paper towels? You can "T.P." a house in half the time!
dr071117 -- YANK! - pull! pull! tug! pull! yank! tug! - ...sigh...
dr071118 -- Check out my new satellite dish, Ralph! - I now receive programming from the world over! I can watch sports all day long! - In fact, I'm going inside now to watch a little basketball! See ya, Ralph! See ya, Steinbauer! - Ahh, this is the
dr071118 -- life! - ? - - What the... - Hee hee!
dr071119 -- Wendy, I can envision spending the rest of my life with you! - So can I, Norman. Wow! Really?? - Absolutely. - Because if you drip chili on me one more time tonight, I'm going to kill you! Thorry!
dr071120 -- What's on TV? - Another presidential debate. - How come I don't recognize any of the candidates? - It's for the 2012 election! Boy, the campaigns really ARE starting earlier and earlier!
dr071121 -- Ralph, you've been saying you were going to fix the roof since last spring! - So when do you plan to get around it? - I'm shooting for the weekend! He puts the "pro" in procrastinator!
dr071122 -- Hi, uncle Vern! Ralph! What brings YOU here?! - Well, last summer, you invited us up for thanksgiving dinner, so we made the long drive and here we are! - Ralph, here in Canada, we celebrate thanksgiving in OCTOBER! Oh yeah, huh. - This is
dr071122 -- why I don't like to put you in charge of things!
dr071123 -- - I always wondered how they put the decorations on the top of the mall's Christmas tree! The hard part is standing it back up!
dr071124 -- - And I thought I was a good dad because I had pictures of my kids in my WALLET!
dr071125 -- Ralph, why are you so dressed up?? - We're just going to the movies, you know! In the old days, people always dressed up for the movies because they recognized the cultural significance of the cinema. I happen to feel the same way. - Also, I
dr071125 -- refuse to pay six bucks for a bucket of popcorn! You have melted butter running down the side of your head!
dr071126 -- Poor Wally! - I feel bad that you have to be on a leash. But then again, you ARE just a dog! - We humans don't need to be on leashes because we are smarter than...oops, hold on... - Hello? Yes, dear...I'm just walking the dog...
dr071127 -- - - You don't see many mall cops wearing a cape! - And don't you forget it!
dr071128 -- Care to go to the movies tonight, honeybunch? Are you kidding???!! - Tonight is Christmas eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve EVE!! - This is traditionally a very busy night
dr071128 -- for me! - What could I have been THINKING?? If all goes well, I might have a little time on Christmas eve eve eve eve eve!
dr071129 -- Why do you always flip through the channels so fast? How can you possibly decide whether to watch a program when you only give it a split second?? flip flip flip flip - Why do you always turn the pages so fast? How can you possibly understand
dr071129 -- the complex concepts that the author worked so hard to...
dr071130 -- ...a can of aerosol cheddar cheese, a can of sharp cheese, a can of American cheese and a can of nacho cheese! - Ralp Drabble's "Four Cheese Pasta" coming right up! Whose idea was it to let dad cook dinner?
dr071201 -- ...sigh... What's wrong, Dad? - I can't find my reading glasses! - You don't WEAR reading glasses! Oh yeah, huh! - I've lost my mind! Try looking between the sofa cushions!
dr071202 -- I told you to slow down, dad! Now you're going to get a ticket!! - Relax, son. Watch how I handle this! - Hello, fellow officer! May I see your license and registration, please? - I'll give you one better! Here's my license, my registration,
dr071202 -- and my BADGE! - What kind of badge is THIS? - I happen to be a real, live mall cop! - And, since we're colleagues in law enforcement, I'm sure you'll want to extend a professional courtesy, and send me on my way! - That didn't work at all!
dr071202 -- I'll tell you one thing: If he ever tries on clothes at the mall, he better not take more than three items into the dressing room!
dr071203 -- We should throw out this chair. WHAT? - You can't throw out my favorite chair! It's taken me years to break it in just right! - It has to go! It's old and saggy and lumpy and stinky! - If you throw out that chair, you'll have to throw me out,
dr071203 -- too! You certainly meet the "throw out" criteria!
dr071204 -- WHERE'S MY CHAIR!! I hauled it to the dump this morning! - YOU WHAT??!! - I loved that chair!! It was in perfect condition! - Ralph, the DUMP didn't even want it! I had to pay a hazardous waste disposal fee! I need to find it before wrestling
dr071204 -- comes on!!
dr071205 -- I've got to get to the dump before it closes! I can't believe my wife threw out my favorite chair!! - What are the odds of finding it?! I'll be like looking for a needle in a haystack! - May I help you? MY CHAIR!!
dr071206 -- That is MY CHAIR!! No it isn't. It's mine! - It was brought to the dump this morning because nobody wanted it! - Why anyone would part with such a comfortable chair is beyond me, but who am I to question my good fortune?! - How can my day get
dr071206 -- any worse? Speaking of fortunes, look at all the money I found under the cushions!
dr071207 -- I demand that you surrender my chair immediately!! Only if you can prove it's yours! - OK! Look under the front of the chair, on the right-hand side, behind the skirt! - See that orange stain? That's where I wipe my fingers after I eat
dr071207 -- cheetos! - You call that proof? Everyone dose that! I WANT MY CHAIR!
dr071208 -- I want that chair back! It's mine and I love it! I don't believe you. - If you love this chair so much, explain to me how it could possibly  have ended up at the dump? - Did I mention that I'm married? - How did you get it back? He finally
dr071208 -- believed me!
dr071209 -- putt! - roll roll roll - - bounce bounce! - bouncy bounce! CRACK! - BING BANG - FORE! - I've never heard anyone yell "fore" after a putt! OW!
dr071210 -- Isn't that cute?! - There's nothing like young love. - Come on, Ralph! Get off your keister! Help me carry these bags! We've got a lot more shopping to do!! ...especially OLD love!
dr071211 -- Here's another package to carry, dear! - Ahem! - Sorry, wrong husband!
dr071212 -- OK, Wally...on your mark, get set... GO! - - - - Trimming the tree goes faster when you involve everyone in the family! pant pant pant
dr071213 -- Every year, the Christmas decorations go up earlier and earlier around here! - The carols have been playing since October! - It makes the mall seem low key! Have a good day at work, Ralph!
dr071214 -- Bye, honeybunch! I'm off to work! - I'm glad she likes to decorate for the holidays, but sometimes I think she overdoes it! - Like when she decorates my air freshener!
dr071215 -- Honeybunch, you know I always love it when you decorate for Christmas... - But you've got to know when to quit! Are you saying you don't like the indoor snow machine?
dr071216 -- You kids are so impatient! Yeah, maybe we should wait until it snows a little more before we build a snowman! Wait! Here comes one more! Maybe it would look better with a hat!
dr071217 -- Happy holidays! Love, the Drabbles! - Your turn. ...sigh... - PS: I'm sorry I look like such a dweeb. -Ralph - If it looks so bad, why are we using the picture for our family-photo card?? Because everyone else looked good!
dr071218 -- chirp chirp! - It's from dad. - eJumw bifppvk +oaaa+. .tbq k - People over 40 shouldn't even TRY to send text messages!
dr071219 -- It's no use. Don't give up. dad... - I know it's hard for a man your age to learn hoe to send text messages, but the key is practice, practice, and more practice! - But that's probably enough practice for one day! Ow!
dr071220 -- Delivering secret Santa cookies is so much fun! Park here, Ralph! Our first family lives over there! - Here, take the cookies to the front door, ring the bell and run back before anyone sees you! Why do I have to do it?? - Because it's SO
dr071220 -- MUCH FUN! Oh, yeah, huh! - Just go with the flow, dad! Every time I go with the flow, I get soaked!
dr071221 -- OK, dad...here's how the "Secret Santa" thing works... - We leave a plate of cookies on the doorstep, ring the bell and run back to the car before they see us! - OK, hand me the plate of... - COOKIE?? Don't worry. I left the biggest one.
dr071222 -- Here, Ralph. You can deliver secret Santa cookies to the Byrnes! - Leave the cookies on the porch, ring the bell and run back to the car before they see you! I know, I know! - He rang the bell! Here he comes! I've never seen him run so fast!
dr071222 -- - WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THEY HAD A DOG?! Oh, don't be such a baby!
dr071223 -- 'twas the night before Christmas... - 'twas?? Short for "it was"! They should've just SAID "it was"! Yeah, they only saved one letter! - When all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. They had MICE?! Everyone had
dr071223 -- mice in those days. That's disgusting! - The stockings were hung by the chimney with care... Yeah, right. If they did anything with care, they wouldn't have mice! Was this before the black plague? Aren't you supposed to hang them ON the
dr071223 -- chimney? - ...in hopes that Saint Nicholas soon would be there. "Saint Nicholas"?? Short for Santa Claus! Nah-Ahh! Saint Nicholas has 13 letters and Santa Claus only has 10! - That ended early! I didn't want to get into the dancing
dr071223 -- sugarplums!
dr071224 -- Well, I'd better get back to work, Ralph! - Last year, I got home an hour late, and I never heard the end of it! - Thanks for the midnight snack, and good luck with th in-laws tomorrow! See you next year! - He's a nice guy!
dr071225 -- A sweater for Wally? - What kind of dumb Christmas gift is that?? - What could look more stupid than a wiener dog wearing a sweater?? -
dr071226 -- HO! HO! HO! Santa! You came back!! - I just wanted to make sure everyone got what they wanted! We did! We did! - Yeah, right. I know why you really come back... - Here. I found your wallet in the fireplace! YES!!
dr071227 -- I don't understand it, Ralph. Why do you like to sit in the garage so much? - It's cold, and cluttered and uncomfortable! - You'd never find ME sitting out here! - Bingo!
dr081228 -- Well, it's that time of year again. - First, the holidays are upon us... - - Then the holiday BILLS are upon us!
dr081229 -- Welcome back to love songs on the radio! This song is dedicated to Bruce from Debbie! - Bruce, Debbie wants you to know how deeply she cares for you. She thinks about you night and day! - Her only desire is to spend every waking moment with
dr081229 -- you for ever and ever! Sniff! - HEAD FOR THE HILLS, BRUCE!!
dr081230 -- - - - - - - - Looks like the Christmas bills have started to arrive! At least his hair is getting exercise!
dr071231 -- Wendy, it's New Year's Eve, and I wondered if you'd care to go with me to Galtburger, to watch them lower the giant neon pickle at the stroke of midnight! - - Wow! Is she really thinking it over? No, I'm just trying to figure out if the dial
dr071231 -- tone is the key of C or D!
dr080101 -- I've got the chips, dip, pizza and soda! And I've got the candy, cookies, crackers and cheese! - What about your new year's resolution to avoid junk food? - New year's resolutions never go into effect until after the rose bowl!
dr080102 -- Ice cream?? - Ralph, it's the second day of January! - What about your new year's resolution to lose weight? - My resolutions don't take effect until you put away your Christmas CD's. oh, it's beginning to look a lot like...
dr080103 -- EVERYONE REMAIN CALM! - Walk in single file out of the door while I call 9-1-1! Ralph... - After we get outside, I will assess whether it is safe for me to come back and get our...what? Ralph... - I was just singing along with my iPod! Oh, I
dr080103 -- thought it was the smoke alarm!
dr080104 -- Nice doggie! Careful! She may bite! - Aww...she doesn't look like she'd... - GRRRRRR! - Told you! Some dog owners are very temperamental!
dr080105 -- Sorry, my bad! Excuse me. My fault entirely! - I'm so sorry. I beg your pardon. Whoops, my mistake. - What are you doing? - Just warming up for the day ahead!
dr080106 -- - SNIFFFFFFFF - Dang! - It's sad when you get into the car, and it no longer has that wonderful aroma! - Dad, our car hasn't had that new car smell for a really long time! - I'm not talking about THAT! - I'm talking about the aroma of
dr080106 -- pepperoni pizza that I enjoy for a day or two after driving home from the take-out!
dr080107 -- Hi, Stu! Hey, Norman! - Why are you standing around holding a dog? It's a great way to meet girls! - Every woman who walks by stops to pet the dog! Really?! - Can I hold it for a while? Go get your own dog! Aww!
dr080108 -- Aren't you adorable! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! - You use your dog to meet girls??! That's right. - What a great idea! How come I never thought of that?? - Probably because it's a great idea! I'm going home to get MY dog!
dr080109 -- I'm back. Where's your dog?? - Girls don't want to stop and talk to you unless you have a cute dog! - My dog is at the vet. I brought the next best thing... - OK, maybe the next next next next next best thing!
dr080110 -- Such a cute dog! Thanks for letting me pet him! - Eww, gross! - What's so gross about a duck??! You have a DUCK? Oh, I didn't see him! How cute!
dr080111 -- It's amazing, Stu! Every woman who walks by stops to pet your dog! - Yeah, it works like a charm! Oh, how cute!! - I didn't even know you HAD a dog! Can you keep a secret? smooch smooch - I don't! AAAAHH!!
dr080112 -- A PUPPET??! Are you SICK??! Actually, I do have a slight fever... - Are you guys so desperate to meet women that you stand around holding puppets in hopes that we'll think they're REAL? - What a couple of weirdos! - I'm not a weirdo! This
dr080112 -- happens to be a real duck! Let's go home, Spot!
dr080113 -- Remember, Ralph, tell them not to grill my Hamburger bun! I want only a teensy bit of mustard, and tell them to use soft lettuce instead of the crunch kind. And ask them to substitute zucchini for french fries! - - - Why are we going backward
dr080113 -- into the drive-through?? - I'd rather let your mother order for herself! ...and use soft lettuce instead of the crunchy kind! And substitute zucchini for french fries...
dr080114 -- Sweet! I'm down to 225! - Dad, the scale says you weigh 250! - Hey, if 50 is the new 40 then 250 is the new 225!
dr080115 -- - I have a weak chin! - Oh well...so do I, son! - Yeah, but at least you've got two of them!
dr080116 -- Where is my cell phone?? I know it's in the house someplace! - Call your call phone from your home phone, and listen for the ring! - Good idea! -
dr080117 -- - YEEOW!! - THAT is your scratching post, THIS is my leg!! And you point is...? pick pick claw scratch
dr080118 -- ...SIGH... - We should get a DVD player for the car! - Then we could watch movies during these long, boring car rides! - These long, boring car rides to school take 3 1/2 minutes! I know! It's so LONG!
dr080119 -- You sure have a lot of equipment on your belt, dad! - A mall cop must be ready for anything, son! - You have keys, handcuffs, mace, a baton, a walkie-talkie... - A bottle of ketchup? Like I said, I'm ready for anything!
dr080120 -- - - - - -
dr080121 -- Dad, I've decided to become a high-powered attorney! - Have a seat. I want to practice my interrogation techniques! - Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? No. - Aw, come on, dad! Please?? Not unless you
dr080121 -- say "Pretty Please".
dr080122 -- Mr. Drabble, is it true you started a strict diet one week ago? Yes. - On the day you started your diet, you also got your car washed and vacuumed, did you not? Yes. - How, then, do you explain the presence of THIS in your car?! A donut
dr080122 -- sprinkle?? - Yes, Ralph. How DO you explain that? I think I need a lawyer!
dr080123 -- I can explain why the donut sprinkle was in my car! Please do, Mr. Drabble. - Although I am on a strict diet, it was my turn to bring donuts to work yesterday. - When I stopped for a redlight, the box fell on the floor, and a sprinkle must
dr080123 -- have fallen off! I see. - OK, I have to go now. Remain seated, Mr. Drabble, The prosecution has not concluded its questioning!
dr080124 -- Mr. Drabble, do you maintain that you've strictly adhered to your diet for the past week? I do. - How, then, do you explain the presence of this chocolate chip on the passenger seat of your car?? - Simple. I picked up a hitchhiker who turned
dr080124 -- out to be "Famous Amos." - Wow! He thinks pretty fast under pressure! I can't wait to hear how he explains the "Nutter Butter" in his pants pocket!
dr080125 -- The evidence against you is overwhelming. - Since you began your diet one week ago, we've found pork rinds in your glove compartment, chocolate on your steering wheel and peanut butter in your shoe! - What do you have to say for yourself? -
dr080125 -- BURP! Sounds like a confession to me!
dr080126 -- Norm! You have bedhead! - So? - It's 4:30 in the afternoon! - If, YOU can have five o'clock shadow by ten A.M., I can have bedhead at 4:30!
dr080127 -- Welcome back to love songs on the radio! - This song is dedicated to Nicole from Andrew! Nicole, Andrew wants you to know how very, very much he loves you! - His only desire in life is to be your companion forever and ever! To walk with you
dr080127 -- and talk with you! To share his innermost feelings with you! Sniff! - He wants to bask in your smile and kiss away your tears! He feels your touch in the gentle breeze, and sees your face in the... - BLLEAAHH!! - Sorry, folks, I was afraid
dr080127 -- I'd do that one day! NOW can I switch to sports talk??
dr080128 -- - - I got tired of building snowmen! How much longer do I have to pose?? I'm getting frostbeak!
dr080129 -- I don't understand why I'm not losing weight on my new diet! - What have you been eating? - Low-fat yogurt, non-fat cheese, reduced-fat peanut butter, skim milk, light ice cream, low-fat turkey dogs, sugar-free muffins... - And then for
dr080129 -- lunch...
dr080130 -- No one understands me! - What are you talking about? See what I mean??!
dr080131 -- Care for a min, Norman? Thank you! - Some gum? How thoughtful? - Tic Tac? A peppermint stick? Gee, it's my lucky day! - A bottle of mouthwash? Wow! You're so nice!
dr080201 -- Supermarket That's a lot of chips and soda, Mr. Drabble! - Stocking up for Super Bowl Sunday? - No, I'll do that tomorrow. - Today, I'm just stocking up for "Channel Surfing Saturday"!
dr080202 -- Time for annual Groundhog Day tradition... - - Nope. - It dad can't see his toes it means he has six more weeks of dieting! Darned Christmas cookies!
dr080203 -- Ooooohh! What's wrong, dad? - When will I ever learn? Every Super Bowl Sunday, I do the same thing... - I eat chips and dip until I'm sick! - I eat sandwiches and ice cream and drink soda until I feel like I'm going to explode! - I'm going
dr080203 -- upstairs to bed! Call me when the game starts!
dr080204 -- No-Neck! Moose! What brings YOU here?! Official business, Ralph! - We are her eon behalf of the Polecat Lodge... - Of which you have always been a member in good standing. - Until now! Yeah! Uh-oh!
dr080205 -- Ralph, as you know, the Polecat Lodge holds its annual summer games every fall. - You have participated in these games, and hold many athletic records which may never be broken. - Some say I'm a shoo-in for the Polecat Lodge Hall Of Fame! -
dr080205 -- Not anymore! Your accomplishments are under a cloud of suspicion! I won that sack race fair and square!!
dr080206 -- Ralph, some of the individual records from the Polecat Lodge Summer Games have been called into question. - Allegations of performance enhancers have surfaced. - An investigation was undertaken. And...? - Your name has been listed in the
dr080206 -- "No-Neck Report." Page 4,376!
dr080207 -- Ralph, the records you set at the Polecat Lodge Summer Games are under a cloud of suspicion. Why?? - Your name has been linked to performance enhancers! - What in the world are you talking about?? - Reliable sources tell us you ate a box of
dr080207 -- "Red Hots" prior to winning the Root Beer Chug-A-Lug! Say it ain't so, Ralph!
dr080208 -- Ralph, the evidence against you is DARNING! "Darning"?? This is a family strip! - You ingested a performance enhancer prior to winning the wheelbarrow race! - What performance enhancer??! - You ate an entire can of cake frosting! So? That's
dr080208 -- what I have for lunch EVERY day! Come to think of it, he does!
dr080209 -- Ralph, your use of performance enhancers has tarnished the image of the Polecat Lodge Summer Games! - We must strip you of your first-place trophy in the eggs toss competition! - Oh, and one more thing... scribble scribble - I can live
dr080209 -- without the trophy, but did you HAVE TO draw an asterisk on my nose??!!
dr080210 -- - - - - - - - Sometimes it's very hard to concentrate around here!
dr080211 -- Ralph, are you sure you want to eat that ice cream? - The doctor said you should be trying to achieve your ideal weight! - No problem, honeybunch... - I achieved it years ago! Apparently, dad's an OVER-achiever!
dr080212 -- To Sammy. Love, Penny. - To Melissa. Your friend, Penny. - TO Kendall. Don't get excited. I still hate your guts! Penny. - I hate having to give a valentine to every person in my class!
dr080213 -- Here's a box of candy, Norman. Happy Valentine's day! Wendy! How Thoughtful of you! - Not really. Somebody gave it to me and I didn't want it! - It was nice of you to give it to me! I just got tired of carrying it around. - And I ate all the
dr080213 -- good ones. Still...
dr080214 -- Cash?? That's your Valentine's Day gift to me?? CASH?? - What's wrong with cash, honeybunch?? It's so impersonal! - You didn't put any THOUGH into it! I put a LOT of thought into it! - Look! There are 3 fives, a couple of tens, 9 ones, and 4
dr080214 -- quarters!
dr080215 -- push push press press - kzzt#71 bliigle oo cwi..*df - Dad's text messages are impossible to read! - I can't held it. I have poor thumbmanship!
dr080216 -- - - - I'm always the waver, never the wavee!
dr080217 -- Dad, you should buy a DVD player for the car! NEVER! - Why not? All our friends have them! Yeah, they get to watch movies during long, boring drives! - You don't need to be entertained by modern technology every waking moment! - I want you to
dr080217 -- look out the window and see this great, big, beautiful country of ours! - How will you ever learn your way around if you're watching a TV?? - Besides, a long car ride is the perfect opportunity to clear your mind and ponder what really
dr080217 -- matters in life! - I think I made an impression, honeybunch! It got pretty quiet in here, didn't it? - They're all texting!
dr080218 -- Honeybunch! Norman said he wants to be an OPTOMETRIST! - Isn't that great??! He's finally given thought to a career! - What made you decide to be an optometrist, son? - I figure there's enough PESSIMISM in the world! Never mind.
dr080219 -- May I take your order? I'll have the chicken salad. - Coming right up! You didn't take MY order! - Read the fine print. "We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone." - Dang! This just isn't my day! I'll give you one of my croutons.
dr080220 -- Hello! New in Town? - My name is Bob. What is yours? Hello? - Voce fala Ingles? - Maybe buying a rubber ducky wasn't such a good idea!
dr080221 -- squeaky squeak squeak - squeak squeak squeaky - OK! I'm ready for lunch! Lint rollers don't count. Go back, and wash your hands!
dr080222 -- - Excuse me...will you take our picture? Sure! - SNAP! -
dr080223 -- - Why are you wearing a Halloween shirt? - Don't you realize it's February? - If you can wear a mask, I can wear a shirt!
dr080224 -- - Bob! flap flap flap flap - What are YOU doing here?? pant pant puff puff - You have a message tied to your leg?? - Dear Patrick, I will pick you up from the library at 4:30. Yours truly, dad - I take it your father has given up trying to
dr080224 -- learn how to send text messages! This method seems to be a little easier for him!
dr080225 -- PLOP! - PLOP! - I have to give him credit. At least he warns people when he's in a bad mood!
dr080226 -- - - If you'll let me borrow your cup holder, you can help yourself to an occasional sip!
dr080227 -- FINE! GOODBYE!! - My brother Bud is so inconsiderate! - He called me to remind me that today is our sister's birthday, and that I should call her! - What's wrong with that? He wouldn't tell me which sister!
dr080328 -- Why are you swimming in my water dish? Ducks like water. - Can't you find someplace else to swim? - Sorry. It's the only place available. - Someone left the lid down on the porcelain pond again!
dr080329 -- Today is February 29th, Penny! It's leap year day! I know. It's not fair! - Why does it have to be in FEBRUARY?? - Why can't they put the extra day in summer vacation or spring break? - I never thought of that! Better yet, they could squeeze
dr080329 -- it in between Saturday and sundae!
dr080301 -- Good evening, parents! Welcome to another exciting little league season! - I'm coach Rick, and I'll be running your child's team! - My own son will be the star of the team, doing most of the pitching and batting clean-up! He'll play every
dr080301 -- inning of every game! - I decided to become a coach for one reason: to ensure that my son makes the all-star team and gets a big trophy! - If your child id not a good hitter, that's fine. I'll teach him never to swing the bat, and to try to
dr080301 -- get hit by a pitch! - I will teach your child what little I know about baseball, unless he starts getting better than *my* son. Then your child will get benched. - Hey, at least this coach is honest! For my year-end coach's gift, I'd like a
dr080301 -- gift certificate from Ted's Steak House!
dr080302 -- What do you think of my new dress, Ralph? - scribble scribble scribble - SSHHHRRIKK! - Hmmm..."hideous" is 1 1/8 inches long... - "interesting" is 1 11/16 inches long... - "unique" is only 7/8 inches long. - Unique! Over the years, dad has
dr080302 -- learned to measure his words carefully!
dr080303 -- Sigh What's wrong? - I have to write a column for the Pole-Cat Lodge Newsletter but I can't think of anything! - I have a bad case of writer's cramp! - Don't you mean writer's BLOCK?? No. Whenever I'm blank, I get nervous and eat too many
dr080303 -- peanuts!
dr080304 -- Dang! I have to write a column for the Polecat Loge Newsletter, but I have writer's block! - Relax, dad! You can't have writer's block! Why not? - Because you're not a writer! So? - I have an athlete's foot and I'm not an athlete!!
dr080305 -- If you have writer's block, it helps to pace back and forth! - They say it gets the creative juices flowing. - HEY! I think it's WORKING! - False alarm. I'm just getting sweaty!
dr080306 -- Have you thought of a subject for your column? Nope. - I don't understand why it should be so difficult for a well-informed guy like me to think of something to write! - Why don't you just write something about the upcoming elections? - We're
dr080306 -- having an election?
dr080307 -- - - -
dr080308 -- Have you thought of anything to write for the newsletter, Ralph? Nope. - When is your column due? In two hours. - You're in trouble! Hey, some people do their best work under pressure! - And if you happen to know anyone like that, please ask
dr080308 -- them to come help me!
dr080309 -- RING! - RING! ...sigh... - RING! Oops! kick! - RING! Stub! OW! - RING! RRROOWR!! - HELLO! - Hi, dad! I'm just calling to see when Mom wants me to come downstairs for lunch. - By the way, what's all that racket down there? ...Hello? - Tell me
dr080309 -- again why we thought Norman needed a cell phone.
dr080310 -- - He looks even scarier in high definition! Z
dr080311 -- Officer, this young man is behaving rudely! - - DON'T GLARE AT ME, BRO! DON'T GLARE AT ME!!! - Who needs a taser when you've got "The Glare"?!
dr080312 -- Mall Cop Headquarters Meeting In Progress Keep Out! Fellow mall-cops, some of our crime-fighting techniques have come under scrutinity. - Therefore, we will no longer be using the "Mall Cop Restraining Device." Aww! - The good news is, if
dr080312 -- anyone can get Mr. Smith out of it, he promises not to sue!
dr080313 -- Goooooooooodd... - Mooorrrrninnng... - What are you doing? Rehearsing. - I have to give a ten-minute oral report in school tomorrow!
dr080314 -- Supermarket May I help you, Mr. Drabble? I have a complaint... - The chips are on aisle 2, the ice cream is on aisle 7, the soda is on aisle 12 and the donuts are on aisle 18. - If you could put all the things I normally buy on the same
dr080314 -- aisle, it would save me a lot of walking around! - Actually, Ralph, we figure you need all the exercise you can get!
dr080315 -- Your grand total comes to $64.92 Wait, I've got some coupons. - Can't you at least cut them out of the newspaper, first? Do I have to do EVERYTHING??!
dr080316 -- Why is that such a popular spot? It's one of the few places in town that doesn't get cell phone reception!
dr080317 -- Management just doesn't understand, No-Neck... - Every mall cop must have that all-important INTIMIDATION FACTOR! I know, Ralph, bur they want us to look festive! - Happy St. Patrick's Day! I think on Easter, I'll just call in sick!
dr080318 -- I think I need to see the doctor! - Yes, make an appointment immediately, honeybunch! You look TERRIBLE! - You look like you're a hundred years old! - I need to see the doctor because I strained my thumb! I meant, of course, a very YOUNG
dr080318 -- hundred!
dr080319 -- SIGH! - One would think you'd have a more comfortable stomach! One would, would one?
dr080320 -- Sorry you can't go out with me tonight, Wendy. Maybe next time! - ...OK, maybe the time after that, then! - ...well, OK, then. Maybe the time after that! - OK, well then maybe...
dr080321 -- So Wendy didn't want to go out with you, eh Norm? Well, don't be discouraged. I'm not! - She said she couldn't go out this time... - Or next time, or the time after that or the time after that. - But she said nothing about the time after
dr080321 -- that! I'm glad she left a crack in the door!
dr080322 -- Norman, you keep asking Wendy for a date, and she always turns you down. - Why do you keep asking her? - Because when I was a little kid, dad, you told me to never give up! - Since when do you ever listen to ME?? I think I'll call her again!
dr080323 -- Mom! Dad! Wake up!! - The Easter Bunny forgot to  hide eggs! WHAT?? - He better NOT have forgotten!! - We can't find any eggs anywhere! OK, OK...I'll check out! - Ah, yes...that easter bunny is pretty clever! - Look! He hid all the eggs in
dr080323 -- side this carton, and put it in the refrigerator! Wow! What a great hiding place!
dr080324 -- Family, I have an announcement to make! - As you know, I have worked as a mall cop for years. - Apparently, my capacity for greatness has finally been recognized! You mean... Yes, honeybunch. - I have been nominated to become the next chief
dr080324 -- justice of the food court!
dr080325 -- Congratulations on becoming the next chief justice of the food court, Dad! - It's not a done deal. The confirmation hearings are tomorrow. - Are you confident you'll be confirmed? Absolutely! - I already bought my outfit! I think you're
dr080325 -- supposed to wear pants under the robe, dad!
dr080326 -- Mall The food court confirmation hearings will now come to order! - Mall cop Drabble, congratulations on being nominated to be the next chief justice of the food court! Thank you, sir! - That's certainly an impressive array of medals you've
dr080326 -- accumulated! - Hey, those are my boy scout merit badges!! Shhhhh!! Go ride the escalator for a while!
dr080327 -- Mall cop Drabble, what qualifications do you have to become chief justice of the food court? - My experience as a mall cop has prepared me for this office! - I have dined in this food court every day for the past 25 years! - Often 2 or 3
dr080327 -- times a day! Yeah, he may even be OVERqualified! - DON'T HELP ME!
dr080328 -- Mall cop Drabble, if you are confirmed to become the next chief justice of the food court... - Do you intend to legislate from the bench? - Absolutely not! - I'm hoping they'll give me a big, comfortable chair!
dr080329 -- Mall cop Drabble, we need a person of integrity to be the next chief justice of the food court. - Whenever I give away free samples of my Teriyaki chicken, you always take more than one! - And then, you don't even BUY anything!! Therefore, we
dr080329 -- reject your nomination! - This hearing is adjourned! Would you like your toothpicks back?
dr090330 -- When I was a kid, my dad made sure that his family always sat together at the dinner table and communicated! - Now that I'M a father, my family sits together and communicates, too. - Unfortunately, just not with each other! *chirp* text text
dr090330 -- press *chirp* press press text text *chirp* *chirp* text text press press
dr080331 -- I'm home! bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark - You dumb do! Don't you recognize me? - - You're a hard guy to recognize from down here!
dr080401 -- Norman, I've come to the realization that I've been wrong about you... - You are actually a pretty swell guy, and I'd like to spend more time with you! - Very funny, Wendy! APRIL FOOL TO YOU, TOO! - I hope!
dr080402 -- The wife is mad at me. - She's making me sleep on the couch! - Why can't you sleep on your OWN couch? Let's just say she's pretty mad!
dr080403 -- Maybe I shouldn't go to work. I don't feel so good! - How do I look? - Like a million bucks. Really? - Yeah, lumpy and greenish!
dr080404 -- Hi, Stu! Hey, Becky! - Hi, Stu! Helly, Kelli! - Gee, Stu! You're suddenly getting some positive attention from the ladies! - I've discovered that if I hang out with someone who's a bigger loser than I am, I seem more appealing!
dr080405 -- Hi, Stu! Why, hello, Monique! - The key to looking more desirable to the ladies is to always hang around someone who's a bigger loser than you are! - You should try it, Norman. - ...assuming you can find someone who fits in that description.
dr080405 -- I'm afraid the buck stops here.
dr080406 -- Whoa Look at that! What, honeybunch? - You're getting "Old Guy Neck"! What??! - You're wrinkly and saggy! You're getting "Old Guy Neck"! - OH YEAH?? WELL YOU'RE GETTING... - lovelier each and every day! Thank you, Ralph! - I may have "Old Guy
dr080406 -- Neck", but I'm too old to die!
dr080407 -- Here's the new heart, Mr. Drabble! Thank you, nurse! - SPLAT Oops! - THREE-SECOND RULE!! - Did you hear me, Wendy? I said I'm considering becoming a surgeon! Sorry. I was just trying to picture that!
dr080408 -- Hello? Oh, yeah...OK. 'Bye! - Who was it? It was Norman reminding me to turn off my cell phone in the theater!
dr080409 -- I'm back from the store! - I couldn't find the broccoli... - So I bought you a watermelon, instead. - I figured they were both green! I hop you'll enjoy your cream of watermelon soup!
dr080410 -- - - Tell me again why I wanted a cat! - Because my mother is allergic. Oh, yeah...nice kitty!
dr080411 -- - - What could be happier than a wiener dog in springtime? Me at a Las Vegas buffet!
dr080412 -- Z - Norman, it's almost noon! - ROLL OUT OF BED!! - KLUNK! Ow! He's so literal!
dr080513 -- Dad, LOOK!! - There's a SNAKE on our neighbor's roof! - Relax, it's fake. Our neighbor put it up there himself! - How come?? To scare away varmints, and keep birds from building nests on the house. - Some people put rubber snakes on top of
dr080513 -- their houses, some people use fake owls...it has to be something scary enough to frighten critters away! - Maybe you should put something scary on OUR roof! I already did! - Hey! What happened to the picture of my mother?
dr080414 -- - - - I see you've discovered Spider Solitaire!
dr080415 -- I'm feeling kind of down. How about some pancakes? - Pancakes? Pancakes make people happy. - It is impossible to be unhappy while eating a stack of pancakes! - It's worth a try, I guess! If you're seriously depressed, I'll make you waffles!
dr080416 -- You're right, dad! It's impossible to be sad when you're eating a stack of pancakes! - I have a question, though... - Is it proper to use a knife to cut pancakes, or can I just use a fork? - I may not be the best one to ask!
dr080417 -- I have another question about eating pancakes... - Is it better to pour syrup over each pancake, or just over the top pancake and let it drip down? - - What was the question? Never mind.
dr080418 -- See what I mean, Norm? - No one can be unhappy while they're eating pancakes! - YOU TWO MADE A MESS IN THE KITCHEN! YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELVES!! - Now I don't feel so happy again! No problem! I'll make some more!
dr080419 -- I've noticed that most of these prime-time game shows build the tension by stretching everything out! - - - Really?? We'll find out after this commercial break!
dr080420 -- - - - - - DING! KLUNK! STRIKE!! - Right into the elevator! I love mall cop bowling! - The mall closed a long time ago, How come dad isn't home from work yet? Mall cops must have a lot to do after hours!
dr080421 -- I'm becoming more health conscious. - My doctor told me to take an Aspirin tablet every day! - Good for you, dad! - Although, I can't imagine he told you to wash it down with chocolate syrup!
dr080422 -- Pancakes Dad! Why are there pictures of you in the window of a restaurant?? - It's the "Ralph Drabble Restaurant Rating System." - "Two tongues up"!
dr080423 -- I can't believe you have a restaurant rating system! - The public trusts my fast food opinions. Two "tongues up" means EXCELLENT. - One tongue means AVERAGE. - I don't care for this place!
dr090424 -- Let's see...I need to check the calendar... - What the heck?? - Honeybunch, why is last year's calendar hanging on the wall? - Because the pictures are much prettier than this year's calendar!
dr080425 -- Nice day day at the beach, eh, Norm? - How come you're wearing your sun visor around your neck? - The glare of my stomach is blinding!
dr080426 -- RING! I'll get it! - Hello? May I speak to professor Drabble, please? - PROFESSOR Drabble?? That must be one of my students! - I teach a night course in "mall coppery".
dr080427 -- Mall Good morning, fellow mall cops! Good morning, commander Murray! - Thank you for showing up this early morning hour. - I admire your bravery and courage in fulfilling this most difficult and unpopular assignment! - Now go out there,
dr080427 -- unlock those doors, and remember: you're the last line of defense against complete pandemonium! ...sigh... - I hate "morning mall-walkers" duty! On your left, Slowpoke! Coming through! SINGLEFILE, YOU ANIMALS!! Me first! No, ME!
dr080428 -- - - - The house always gets a bit more tidy when Ralph wears his cargo pants!
dr080429 -- I bought a camp chair! - Ahhh! It has a warning tag. - "Maximum load: 250 pounds. Damage could occur if chair is subjected to heavier loads." - Say what? Never mind.
dr080430 -- Plop! - beep beep boop - You won't believe what Troy just did! He made a SPECTACULAR catch!! - It was AMAZING! The crowd went wild! Another objective report from the little league field!
dr080501 -- Welcome to Galtburger! Hey. It's me. - Oh hi, Ralph! Long time, no see! - Has it really been that long? - Yeah, breakfast was seven hours ago! Oh yeah, huh!
dr080502 -- I'm ready to go! - You're going out wearing THAT? Sure! - For your information, very few men look good in tank tops! - Thank you!
dr080503 -- Are you just going to sit in front of the TV all day and eat peanuts?! - I haven't been here that long! - OK, maybe I have!
dr090504 -- She'll have the chicken sandwich, and I'll have a cheeseburger! - FWEET! - That is the 1,000th cheeseburger you've ordered from our restaurant, Mr. Drabble! - You are now a member of our loyal customer hall of fame! - On behalf of everyone
dr090504 -- here at Down-N-Out Burgers, thank you and congratulations! - That was a little embarrassing! The ceremony over at the taco shop was much more dignified!
dr080505 -- Look what I bought, Ralph! - It's a satellite navigation system for our car! - It will tell you where to go, tell you where to get off, and tell you when you're going the wrong way! - I thought that was YOUR job! I can't be with you all the
dr080505 -- time!
dr080506 -- This navigational device will help us find our way around town! - Honeybunch, we've lived here for 20 YEARS! I already know my way around town! - Besides, I have a keen sense of direction! Sense of direction??! - You once got lost in a
dr080506 -- drive-thru car wash! - There was very poor visibility in there!
dr080507 -- Ralph, you'll be so glad I bought this navigational system for the car! It's a waste of money! - It will pay for itself over time! We don't need it! - You'll be amazed at all the things it can do! Who cares! - It even shows you where all the
dr080507 -- fast food restaurants are! Let me see that!!
dr080508 -- I've entered our destination into our new navigational system. Just do what it says! - Turn left at the next signal. It TALKS?? Sure! - How come it sounds like a girl? A female voice is more soothing. - And you're much more apt to do what it
dr080508 -- says! I said TURN LEFT! Yes, Ma'am!
dr080509 -- Turn right in 5 miles That's wrong! - Turn right in 0.3 miles NO! - Maybe this navigational system wasn't such a good idea... - So far, it's taken us half an hour to go three miles! Turn right here NO! YES! NO! HONK! BEEP! HONK! HONK! BEEP!
dr080510 -- Turn left here! No! That's the wrong way! - Turn left here! Turning left will take us way off course! - I'm the navigational system! TURN LEFT HERE!! Fine. - Oops! My bad!
dr080511 -- I like our new widescreen TV, dad! Me too, Norm! - I almost didn't buy it, though... - Your mom didn't think it would fit on our wall!
dr080512 -- Mom and dad are going to the mall cop awards banquet tonight! - They're getting all dressed up. It must be formal! - Is it black tie and tails? - Black hat and apron!
dr080513 -- I'm looking forward to the mall cop awards banquet! It's a fancy event! - We're even getting picked up by a chauffeur! We're riding in a limo? - Even better! A stretch mall cop security vehicle!
dr080514 -- Mall Cops Awards Tonight You seem nervous, Ralph! - I'm expecting to win the lifetime achievement award! What makes you think so? - Are you kidding? I was the one who INVENTED the term "Mall Cop"! It's about time Ralph Drabble got a little
dr080514 -- recognition! - Besides, the other guy who's up for the lifetime achievement award is only nineteen!
dr080515 -- Mall Cops Awards Tonight Do you really think you're going to win the lifetime achievement award, Ralph? - Well, I don't want to get my hopes too high... - I need to be realistic. Anything can happen. - I just hope I didn't forget to thank
dr080515 -- someone in my acceptance speech!
dr080516 -- The first award to be presented tonight is "Most Improved Mall Cop." - Then we will present awards for "Best Smile" and "Best Personality." - JUST SKIP TO THE LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD!! - I want to get home in time to see "Dancing Wit The
dr080516 -- Stars."
dr080517 -- The recipient of the lifetime achievement award is a man you all know... - He is a true visionary...the first mall cop ever to use the Chinese finger lock as a law-enforcement tool! - Then, at his own expense, he equipped each and every one
dr080517 -- of his fellow mall cops with one of their own! - That must have cost you a fortune! Nah. I won 'em all at Chuck E. Cheese's!
dr080518 -- Excuse me, Mr. Mall Cop... - There are some thugs outside the mall, who are up to no good! - Thank you, concerned thipster! I'll go apprehend them immediately! - But, officer, I'm afraid that they might seek retribution against me! - Fear
dr080518 -- not! We'll put you in the mall cop witness protection program! - What do I do? Follow me... - Just stand still and try not to blink!
dr080519 -- Mall Cops Awards Tonight The lifetime achievement award goes to a man you all know. - He is responsible for several mall cop pastimes, such as mall bowling and escalator jousting! - This man is indeed a living legend in the field of mall
dr080519 -- coppery! - Don't get a swollen head! Who, me?
dr090520 -- Tonight's recipient of the lifetime achievement award is the man who actually coined the term "Mall Cop." - Before that, we were just known as "indoor retail security personnel", which wasn't as catchy! - None of us would be able to call
dr090520 -- ourselves "mall cops" today, if not for this man! - Why are you crying? I never realized how GREAT I was!
dr090521 -- Hi, mom! Hi, dad! Norm, you're just in time to see me receive the lifetime achievement award! - Isn't that what they give to old people when their career is over? What?? - Yeah, they give somebody a lifetime achievement award, and then they
dr090521 -- don't feel so bad about getting rid of them! - Ralph, you look sick! Maybe he ate too many cocktail weenies!
dr090522 -- I'm getting out of here, honeybunch! WHAT?? - Norman just pointed out that they only give lifetime achievement awards to people whose careers are over! I'm too young for this!! - And the winner is RALPH DRABBLE! Where are you, Ralph? - Ralph?
dr090522 -- Come out from under this table! No!
dr090523 -- Ralph! Come back!! - We need to give you your award! Stop him!! - OOF! HEY! OUCH! LET ME GO!! - Good work, men! No problem! Ralph is pretty easy to outrun!
dr090524 -- I don't WANT a lifetime award! I'm too young!! But, Ralph! Look at all you've contributed... - The holiday spirit violation, mall bowling, mall golf, the mall cop olympics, the junior mall scouts... - You're just giving me a lifetime
dr090524 -- achievement award because you intend to phase me out!! - That's not true! We're giving it to you instead of a raise! Oh, OK then!
dr090525 -- I love to watch the Extreme Home Makeover show! It's so heartwarming! - Sniff! - SOB - HONK - - - Why can't I watch my favorite show without everybody staring at me?!! - Because OUR favorite show is watching you watch YOUR favorite show!
dr080526 -- Guess what, everybody! It's our lucky day! My boss gave us five free tickets to the ball game! Let's go!! - Dad! Can I get an ice cream cookie? It's only $7! Me, too! Me, too? You all just had hot dogs and Sodas! Nothing is quite as expensive
dr080526 -- as free tickets to the ball game!
dr080527 -- Hey, Steinbauer! Your stupid dog woke me up, barking again! - What are you going to do about it? - Good boy! SNARF!
dr080528 -- Steinbauer, your dog woke me up, howling this morning! - You should train that dumb dog! - I DO train him! - Repeat after me! Arrooooo! ARROOOO!!
dr080529 -- How's your sore foot, Ralph? - It's hard to tell at my age. - I can't figure out if my foot is getting better... - Or the rest of me is getting worse!
dr080530 -- The shower has been running for half an hour! - knock knock knock HEY, NORM! YOU'RE WASTING HOT WATER!! GET OUT OF THE SHOWER NOW!! - I haven't even gotten in yet!
dr080531 -- Ralph, we're going to a party tonight! Rats! I hate parties! - Why? Mall cops never enjoy social gatherings because people always ask us professional questions... - !What time does the mall open?" Or "when is the next midnight madness
dr080531 -- sale?"... - Being a mall cop is like being a doctor. Everyone wants to pick your brain! You should've picked a different one!
dr080601 -- OK, dad, open wide! - - Hmmm... - SMACK SMACK - The expiration date on that cottage cheese is June 5th. - Incredible! Right again!! I'm surprised "America's Got Talent" turned him down!
dr080602 -- I'm so excited! I just bought tickets to the NEIL DIAMOND concert! - Isn't he the guy who walked on the moon? No, that was Lance Armstrong! - I thought he rode a bike! No one ever rode a BIKE on a MOON!! - ? You need to read more books!
dr080603 -- Yadda yadda yadda - Yabba dabba doo zip a dee doo dah - Nanu nanu - It doesn't matter what you order here, since they never get it right, anyway! You want onions on that?
dr080604 -- Dad, how do you pronounce "irrefutably"? - Is it Ir-REF-u-ta-bly, or is it ir-re-FUT-a-bly? - How would I know?? I've never said that word! - Ask him how to pronounce "Sausage McGriddle".
dr080605 -- - ...Yawn... - fold - I've never seen anyone "Dog-Ear" page ONE before. Let's just say I'm not a fast reader!
dr080606 -- - - Here you go, son! - You didn't have to make me pancakes! I don't need to be cheered up yet! Then consider them preemptive pancakes!
dr080607 -- Ready for the beach, Norm? - Are you kidding?? I can't go out in public looking like this? Why not? - I have a FARMER'S TAN!! - So what's wrong with at least LOOKING like you have a job??
dr080608 -- CRUNCH! CRUNCH! CRUNCH! . RUSTLE RATTLE KRINKLE RRIP! - COUGH! COUGH! - SLURRRRRRP! SLURP! SLURP! - Yakkity yak yak! - - How inconsiderate! Don't you know to turn off your cell phone in a theater??!
dr080609 -- Dad, haven't you always said that age is only a number? - That's correct, son! - Well, here's my report card. - And remember, my grade is only a letter!
dr080610 -- WOOSH WOOSH WOOSH - - From a distance, it looked like a scratching post!
dr080611 -- The pool is filled, Dad! Nice! - WOOSH! And now the lawn is watered!
dr080612 -- - - KNOCK KNOCK - You know it's time to clean out the fridge when you feel you should knock before you open the door! Come in!
dr080613 -- zzZzz - zzZzz DADDY, WAKE UP!! - WAKE UP, DADDY!! WAKE UP!! Wha..?! - I'm going to wrap you father's day present, so DON'T PEEK!
dr080614 -- - Dang! I used up all our sunscreen! - Sorry, honeybunch! That's OK. When I'm sitting near you, I don't really need it!
dr080615 -- Mall skattle skattle skattle - skattle skattle skattle skattle - - skattle skattle skattle skattle  - skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle I hate "bring your wiener dog to work" week!
dr080616 -- YAK YAK YAKKITY YAKKITI YAK! - Excuse me, you're in a restaurant, not a phone booth! - Show some consideration for others and take your cell phone conversation outside! - Sorry, no-neck...now, what were you saying?
dr080617 -- I'm going to the snack bar again, honeybunch! Sniff! - I'll help the next person in line! No thanks. We'll wait! I sense that I'm not the only guy who got dragged to this "chick flick"!
dr080618 -- - - WAA HA HA HA HA - Boy. What a corny joke! I hate it when the grocery checker reads my greeting cards!
dr080619 -- Meat - Fire. - Any questions? Nope. - Thanks for the barbecuing lesson, dad. It's easy after you've had it explained to you!
dr080620 -- How was the "Star Trek" convention, honeybunch? Great! - I got a tattoo of the starship Enterprise on my ankle! WHAT??!! Relax. It isn't permanent! - And neither is the tattoo of William Shatner! I don't even want to know where that one is!
dr080621 -- All done! Wow! - It's very impressive that dad does a crossword puzzle each and every day! - Actually, he only does the SUNDAY crossword. - It takes him a week to finish it!
dr080622 -- We have a navigational system in our car to tell us how to get places. Turn left here. - We have calculators to do all of our adding and and subtracting. - We don't need to remember phone numbers anymore. Just push a button! - We have
dr080622 -- computers to give us instant information and even correct our spelling. - I firmly believe the day will come when human beings won't even *use* their brains anymore! - I always knew he was ahead of his time!
dr080623 -- Welcome to All-Mart. Thank you, my good man! - Now, that would be a good job for you, Norm! How come? - All you have to do is stand at the door and say, "Welcome to All-Mart!" - There's no way you could mess it up! Thank you for that vote of
dr080623 -- confidence!
dr080624 -- How come we have to wait way back here? - The pharmacy likes to protect the privacy of their customers. - ...sometimes. WHO IS HERE TO PICK UP THE TOENAIL FUNGUS MEDICATION?!
dr080625 -- I like this machine, Norm... - You put your arm in the cuff, press the button, and it tells you if you have high blood pressure! - Want to try it? No thanks. I know I don't have high blood pressure! - That's true. He's just a carrier!
dr080626 -- Every time I come here, I check my blood pressure on the machine! - I put my arm in the cuff, press the button... - And it tells you if your blood pressure is normal high or very high! - What was it last time? It must have been pretty high.
dr080626 -- All it said was "Holy cow! Call an ambulance!"
dr080627 -- Yesterday I drove ten miles with the emergency brake on. - Oh, and I just remembered, I left a gallon of ice cream in the trunk! - Norman, maybe you shouldn't talk to me when I'm having my blood pressure taken! - Uh-oh! Here's that bill you
dr080627 -- asked me to mail!
dr080628 -- This automatic blood pressure machine is very convenient. - There's only one thing I don't like about it... Sometimes my arm gets stuck!
dr080629 -- Dad, I have a cooking question... - If a hot dog happens to roll off the barbecue... - Can you still eat it if you pick it up within three seconds after it hits the ground? I wouldn't know... - - CLOMP! Nothing has ever hit the ground!
dr080630 -- Look, Ralph! I found a picture of myself when I was a teenager! - WOWEE!! - Are you sure this is *you*?? - She never could accept a compliment!
dr080701 -- text text texty text - text texty text text - text text text text - Now I know why my kids are "all thumbs"!
dr080702 -- Ralph, you look ridiculous! - Quit stuffing the pockets of your cargopants! - It makes you look fat and bulky and dumpy! - My pockets are empty!
dr080703 -- - SLOSH SLOOSH - SPLOOSH SPLISH - ONE! I guess doing the laps in the kiddie pool is better than nothing!
dr080704 -- - Honeybunch, mind if I eat some of that leftover pizza in the fridge? - Didn't you just drink a can of that appetite-suppressant weight-loss stuff? - Yeah, but it hasn't kicked in yet!
dr080705 -- Wow! Look what's on TV this afternoon! - Golf, auto racing, bowling and three baseball games! - Care to join me in front of the TV? No thanks. I think I'll play outside! - Why would anyone want to go outside on a beautiful day like this?
dr080706 -- - - - - Could someone toss my trunks please? That's why you shouldn't go head first on the slippy side! Now *there's* an image that could scar me for life!
dr080707 -- Honeybunch, I've been doing a lot of thinking... You must be exhausted. - Our son Norman is growing up. Soon he'll be on his own, and I'm concerned... - Have I taught him all he needs to know? Have I imparted enough... - WHADDAYA' MEAN, I
dr080707 -- MUST BE EXHAUSTED??!
dr080708 -- Sometimes I feel like I haven't spent enough time with Norman. - I don't know if I've taught him enough to succeed in life. - My time with him is running out. He's growing so fast! - Has anyone seen my other floatie? Okay, maybe not *that*
dr080708 -- fast!
dr080709 -- Norman will be out on his own before we know it. - Time is running out for me to bond  with my son and impart all of my vast wisdom and knowledge. - Therefore, Norm and I are taking a road trip together! Who knows when we shall return,
dr080709 -- right, son? - Hopefully, before gas hits $7 a gallon! Bring something to take notes with. I plan on saying a lot of brilliant stuff!
dr080710 -- Norm, it's important for a young man to have self-confidence! - Remember, you can do anything you set your mind to! - Always know that your father has complete and total confidence in you! - Can I drive for a little while? NO!!
dr080711 -- Son, the reason I wanted to go on this road trip is so I could impart all my knowledge and wisdom before you leave home. - - - Did I mention that the loose french fries at the bottom of the bag always taste the best? Yeah, you covered that
dr080711 -- one!
dr080712 -- Where are Dad and Norman? They went on a father and son road trip. - Norman will soon be an adult, and your Dad wanted some time to impart all of his wisdom and knowledge. - How long do you think they'll be gone? My guess is about half an
dr080712 -- hour. We're back!
dr080713 -- - - - - - I tried to tell you not to put on so much sunscreen!
dr080714 -- ...here's something else I've thought about: I'll bet the parents of Cedric the entertainer are very happy. - Their son became exactly what they named him! - On the other hand, I wonder if Larry the cable guy's parents are disappointed that
dr080714 -- he's not a cable guy. Check, please! You haven't even ordered yet!
dr080715 -- Disguises - - He must be going to the movies. Or bowling! Actually, lots of places give senior discounts! Anyone seen my "bald-head" wig? I thought you were wearing it!
dr080716 -- We're back from grocery shopping! - Aarrrrghh! - WHAM! - Are you OK? Those 25-pound sacks of flour are a lot heavier than they used to be!
dr080717 -- chop! - - - WHACK!
dr080718 -- How was your golf game? - I lost 18 balls. How on earth could anyone lose 18 balls? - Well, I didn't actually *lose* them... - I just hate bending all the way over to pick 'em up!
dr080719 -- Norman, I...uh... thumb thummy thumb thumb - Say, Patrick, I was wondering... thummy thumb thumb thumb - Penny, do you...uh...Penny...? thumb thumb thumb thummy thumb - Around here, it's practically impossible to get a word in thumbwise!
dr080720 -- You look a little sad, honeybunch! - I know what'll cheer you up! I'll go whip up some *pancakes* for you! - Pancakes make people happy! It's impossible to be sad while eating pancakes! - That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard! How can
dr080720 -- eating *pancakes* affect one's mood? - Here! Give it a try! - WOW! He's RIGHT! - Gee, pancakes *do* make you happy! - Although the effects are only temporary!
dr080721 -- Darn! There aren't any fire pits at this beach! - How are we going to cook our Hot Dogs? I have an idea... - Try not to breathe too much, Dad!
dr080722 -- I love my cargo shorts. - They hold everything I need! - Keys, wallet, comb, salt, pepper, ketchup, can opener... - You just have to know when to quit!
dr080723 -- Gee, dad! What are you doing out here in the yard?? - Son, tending the garden nurtures the soul and gladdens the heart. - Why would anyone want to be indoors on a beautiful day like this? - Sounds like Mom is on the warpath again! OK, that
dr080723 -- too!
dr080724 -- YES!!! Look at the gas station, honeybunch! - The price just shot up another five cents a gallon! - So, why are you happy about that? - I filled up LAST NIGHT!! Way to find that silver lining.
dr080725 -- The beach is boring. - I'd rather be home in my easychair. Quit griping and find something to do! - -
dr080726 -- - - dingle ding ding! - It's impossible to put away a doggie toy around here!
dr080727 -- Patrick's Lemonade Stand These "sandwich" boards are a great way to advertise! Go to Patrick's Lemonade Stand! Yeah, except when DAD wears one! What's it say?
dr080728 -- Oooh...I shouldn't have eaten that last chilli dog! - I've got a major bellyache! Should we call 911? - You don't call 911 for a *bellyache*! The who should we call? How about the gas company!
dr080729 -- Where's Dad? - He's in the backyard, assembling his new patio swing! - How's the swing? I think it needs oil!
dr080730 -- Aren't you going to the beach with us, Norm? No, I'm embarrassed by my farmer's tan! - Don't be silly! A farmer's tan is nothing to be ashamed of! - I stand corrected.
dr080731 -- - - Never ask Patrick to fold the laundry!
dr080801 -- Welcome to the movie! - Pay close attention during the subway scene. There's a pivotal plot twist! - Don't miss it, or the surprise ending won't make any sense! - Enjoy the movie! I think I just did!
dr080802 -- I'm starting to like you, Norman! - I'm starting to like you, too, uhh...uhh... - Monique! - It's always embarrassing when you forget a girl's name, and have to go read her tattoo!
dr080803 -- - - - - HEY! THAT'S MY NEW GOLF GLOVE!! - GIVE ME THAT!! I can usually get him to play if I find the right toy!
dr080804 -- Good evening, and welcome to the Polecat Lodge Spelling Bee! - I'm your host, Ralph Drabble. I am joined by my fellow lodge members, Moose Malone and No-Neck! - Moose, introduce our first contestant! I can't read the name! - Why don't you
dr080804 -- wear glasses? I'd look silly in glasses!
dr080805 -- Our first contestant of the Polecat Lodge Spelling Bee is Frances Kay Leverlilly! - Hello, Frances Kay! "Hello" H-E-L-L-O. "Hello" - Actually Frances Kay... "Actually" A-C-T-U-A-L-L-Y. "Actually". - RELAX! "Relax" R-E-L...
dr080806 -- All of tonight's spelling words have been chosen by members of the Polecat Lodge! - No-Neck, what's the first word? "Keister". - KEISTER?? Can I have the definition, please? Heinie or backside. - Can I have the origin of the word, please? I
dr080806 -- think I first heard it in a three stooges movie. C'mon, kid, time is running out?
dr080807 -- "Crispy" C-R-I-S-P-Y "Crispy". - I'm sorry. That's incorrect. - According to this donut box, the correct spelling is K-R-I-S-P-Y. - Boy, what's happened to our educational system?
dr080808 -- Polecat Lodge Spelling Bee Timmy, your word is "Zzyzx." - What kind of word is *that*? It's a road of interstate 15, north of Barstow. - Can I have another clue? - It's also the sound that a cartoon character makes when snoring! ZZYZX!
dr080809 -- Polecat Lodge Spelling Bee "Shack" S-H-A-C-K "Shack." - I'm sorry, Debbie. This is incorrect. - The correct spelling is S-H-A-Q, as in "Shaq missed the free throw." - Remember, always ask to hear the word used in a sentence! This is the
dr080809 -- dumbest spelling bee I've ever been in!!
dr080810 -- Look what I made, Penny! What is it, Daddy? - When I was a kid, we tied tin cans together and used them as phones! Really?? - Yeah! you take one can, and I'll take the other! Let's see if they work! ? - Give it a try, Penny! - OK, but it's
dr080810 -- hard to text when there aren't any buttons! tap tap tappity tap I feel really old.
dr080811 -- Check it out, honeybunch! - It's my new MALL COP MOVER! - What do you think? - Just what you need: less exercise! Never ask her what she thinks unless you really want to know what she thinks!
dr080812 -- rrrrrrrrrrrrr Uh-oh. I I hear a siren! - rrrrrrrrrrrrrr I think we're being pulled over! - Pulled over by *what*?? We're in a *mall*! - rrrrrrrrrr
dr080813 -- Do all the mall cops like these things? - For some, they require a little getting used to. - No-neck is still using training wheels!
dr080814 -- This mall cop mover is equipped with the latest technology! - It's like something out of a JAMES BOND movie! - Why do you wear a helmet? Are you afraid you'll fall off? - No, it's in case I have to push the "ejector" button!
dr080815 -- put-put sputter gasp! Uh-oh! - This is officer Drabble reporting a konked-out mall cop mover! Requesting assistance! - Thanks!
dr080816 -- I love my new mall cop mover! - It goes from zero to five in twelve seconds, and it stops on a dime! - Looks like it also stops in front of the frozen yogurt stand!
dr080817 -- Only two more minutes to go, Norm! - Then you will prove to yourself that you can go an entire *ten minutes* without text messaging! - Texting has become an obsession for today's youth. It's a distraction from the important things of life! -
dr080817 -- Time's up! You did it! - Now, don't you feel proud of yourself, Norm? - NORM?! Huh?! - text text text text
dr080818 -- When I was little, I wanted to become a magician. - But then somebody stole all my tricks. - ...leaving me disillusioned. - I should've stuck with it. I'm good at making girls disappear!
dr080819 -- I got a ticket today for talking on a cell phone while driving! - WHY DID YOU DO A DUMB THING LIKE THAT?! I didn't! - I was talking to myself in the car, and I didn't want anyone to think I was a weirdo... - So I held the phone to my ear to
dr080819 -- look like I was talking to somebody! I suggest you plead insanity.
dr080820 -- It's gonna be a hot day, today! pat pat pat pat pat - This will help prevent a heart rash pat pat pat pat pat - Thank you, son! - Please, Dad, just keep it! No thanks. I don't like powdered donuts!
dr080821 -- Wait! Don't move until I get the video camera ready! - OK, go ahead!.. - Try to get up out of Penny's beanbag chair! I'm glad my middle years are providing you with so much entertainment!
dr080822 -- Sweet! We got all the same classes again! fall registration - High five, Wendy! - - Fist bump?
dr080823 -- Here, Dad. Will you please mail this to gramma? What is it, Penny? - It's my labor day gift list! - Gramma gives you gifts for LABOR DAY?? - No wonder our kids are so spoiled! Penny still hasn't written a thank you note for her FLAG DAY
dr080823 -- gifts!
dr080824 -- - - - - - KLUNK! - Comfortable, but hard to get out of! We'll keep looking!
dr080825 -- I'm with stupid - Our Wedding Photos I should've taken a hint!
dr080826 -- Here they come! - LOOK OUT!! - skattle skattle - So much for the annual "Running Of The Wiener Dogs"! COME BACK WITH MY SOCKS!
dr080827 -- In Spain, they have the running of the bulls. - Here, we have the running of the wiener dogs! skattle skattle skattle - That's the absolute dumbest thing I've ever... - waddle waddle waddle waddle Never mind.
dr080828 -- Honeybunch, the home design experts on TV all agree. - The soothing sound of tickling water creates a feeling of tranquility! - That's probably true... - But I still want you to fix the toilet! I'll do it later. I feel very tranquil right
dr080828 -- now!
dr080829 -- - Hello? What's wrong, Norman? Is everything OK?? - Yeah, Dad. I was just calling to remind you about that new law! Remember not to talk on the cell phone when you're driving! - Thanks for the reminder, son.
dr080830 -- OK, kids, I need your input... - What would you like me to cook for dinner? - A number 4 combo! With curly fries! To go! - Something tells me we eat way too much fast food around here!
dr080831 -- COWABUNGA! - - POP! - ssssssssss - sssss WHAM! - Reason number 412 why I'm not a cat person!
dr080901 -- Whoa! It's raining!! - It's not supposed to rain on Laborday! - Oh, never mind. - Dad just did a cannonball in the pool!
dr080902 -- How are you going to spend your last night of summer vacation, Patrick? Watching movies! - I rented "For Whom The Bell Tolls," "Of Mice And Men," and "Oliver Twist". - Each of those movies was also a classic book! - Which reminds me, did you
dr080902 -- finish your summer reading list? I'm working on it!
dr080903 -- I've made some rules for the carpool this year... - No dumb jokes, no singing... - No listening to dumb music and no eating in the car! Hear, hear! - You kids got all that? Actually, those rules were for *you*, dad!
dr080904 -- floss floss floss floss floss - Do we have any more dental floss? - Norman, you've already gone through two boxes tonight! - I take it he has a dental exam tomorrow. It's hard to cram six months of flossing into one evening!
dr080905 -- sniff sniff - Norman, what's that aroma? It smells like a new car! - Are you wearing Cologne? - Not exactly...
dr080906 -- How old are you, Dad? 46. - Wow. - You are close to being 70 years old than you are to being 20! - It was bad enough when you said "Wow"!!
dr080907 -- Dad, would you like to see some drawings I did in school? - This one's a dinosaur, and that one is Mount Rushmore! - Gee, Norm! These are really good! - I can't believe all the shadings and detail! Very impressive! - I didn't know you took
dr080907 -- art in school! I don't. - I drew those during algebra!
dr080908 -- HEY, YOU STUPID RABBITS! YOU'RE RUNNING MY LAWN!! - GET OUT OF MY YARD IMMEDIATELY OR I'LL...I'LL... - What should I do?? - I have a suggestion! Me too, and you're probably like mine better! Dumb Ralph
dr080909 -- How am I going to get rid of those rabbits in the yard?? - I suggest you buy some rabbit repellent and sprinkle it on your grass! - I have a better idea: run at them full speed and chase 'em into the neighbors' yard! - Hey, *THAT'S* a good
dr080909 -- idea! Why do I even bother?
dr080910 -- I'll scare away those rabbits once and for all! - - YEEOOOWW!! pop! - What was that?? It sounded like dad screaming and bunnies laughing!
dr080911 -- Ralph, what in the world is going on out here?? - I saw some rabbits in our yard and I tried to chase them away, and I twisted my knee! - You ran after rabbits? Why would you do a dumb thing like that?? I forgot I was old and out of shape! -
dr080911 -- I thought I was still *young* and out of shape!
dr080912 -- Hello, doctor. This is Mrs. Drabble. My husband injured his leg! - He tried to scare rabbits out of our yard by chasing them, and... - Yes, I know...I know... - But I married him, so what can I do? Tell the doctor nobody likes a smartaleck!
dr080913 -- I tried to chase the rabbits out of my yard and nearly killed myself! Why did I do that?? - Because you listened to him instead of me! That's right! - I always listen to you an I always regret  it! - When will I ever learn?? See you on
dr080913 -- election day!
dr080914 -- 9-14 - RATTLE - - RATTLE RATTLE WAG WAG WAG WAG WAG - WAG WAG Wag wag wag - wag - I'm sorry I'm such a let-down! Darn! It's just you!
dr080915 -- When I was a kid, candy bars were twice this size! - So now, I have to eat two at a time! - Candy bars just don't go as far as they used to! - Neither does your belt!
dr080916 -- 1998! - MINE'S A 2004! - YOU WIN, BUDDY! GO AHEAD! - When in doubt at a 4-way stop, the newest car has the right-of-way!
dr080917 -- Here they come! - Wow! What a sight! Breathtaking!! - I's always exciting to see the mall cops ride in formation!
dr080918 -- Hmmm... - Help me out, Wendy... - How would you describe the term "phantom pain"? - It's like you with a brain freeze.
dr080919 -- It sounds like your father is home from work! - Did you hear the car? No... - I hear him getting OUT of the car! Boy, I'm getting old!
dr080920 -- Dentistry Nice to see you again, Mr. Drabble. It's been a while! - Let me check the records!.. - Good heaven's! It's been THREE YEARS since you've had your teeth cleaned!! - You did a really good job last time!
dr080921 -- Where's Dad? He's working on his laptop! - I didn't know Dad had a laptop! - I didn't even know he had a LAP! tappity tap tap I Dad's case, we should call it a STOMACHtop!
dr080922 -- Corn Popper POP! POP! POPPITY! POP! POP! - Who says you can't bring your own popcorn into a movie theater??
dr080923 -- Wanna go for a walk, Wally? - - - How come he understands "go for a walk," but he never understands "Hey, stop that!!"??
dr080924 -- I love to kick piles of leaves! - KLANK - Piles of leaves-1 Norman-0.
dr080925 -- ZZYZX - When I was a kid, I used to talk in my sleep... - My kids *text* in their sleep! ZZYZX
dr080926 -- You have way too much free time, Norm! - I beg to differ, Dad! Being a full-time college student is very demanding! - I put in a lot of 18-hour days! - Although I try to spread each one out over a week!
dr080927 -- - - Norman is behaving strangely. - That usually means we're about to have an earthquake! Hey, that's *my* job!
dr080928 -- Watch me scare away all these ducks! - YEE-HA!! - Whoa! Excuse me! Coming through! - Pardon me! Whoops! Sorry! - SPLASH! - You are probably the only person on earth who's not imposing enough to scare away a flock of ducks!
dr080929 -- I'm home! - Hello, Wally! - There's nothing like being greeted at the front door by my faithful dog! - It's much better than the greeting I usually get from the cat! AAKKK!
dr080930 -- Dinner was great, honeybunch! You're not having seconds? - No, I'm stuffed! - I took a supplement before dinner so I wasn't as hungry! - What was the supplement? A double-bacon cheeseburger!
dr081001 -- - - - -
dr081002 -- Look at how Wally stares at the cookie! - He won't take his eyes off it. He follows it wherever if goes, with his tongue hanging out! - Around and around and around! -
dr081003 -- flip flip flip flip flip flip - Well it's one for the money...Thank you for taking my call...A major traffic jam... - My heart will...The high today... Will you please settle on ONE RADIO STATION!!? When you live with a channel surfer, the
dr081003 -- "scan" button can be sweet revenge!
dr081004 -- Got your ball, Wally? - Want me to throw it so you can chase it? OK! - I like how wiener dogs spin around when they get excited! -
dr081005 -- Ralph, sit down with me and look at my new book! - It's a book of questions Your responses will tell you a lot about yourself! Ready? - Question number one: "If you could take a vacation anywhere in the world, where would you go?" - Disney
dr081005 -- World. - DISNEY WORLD??! - I've been telling you for years that I want to got to Europe, and you pick *Disney World*?!! What kind of selfish answer is *that*??!! - Question number two: I hope I live long enough to hear question number three!
dr081006 -- What's with the robe? - I've decided to become a bestselling author! Everyone knows this is what authors wear when they write! - What are you writing? - "Memoirs of a Mall Cop". Before you *write* a book, shouldn't you *read* one?
dr081007 -- I will begin writing my memoirs with a dedication... - "To my good wife, honeybunch..." - "Who has always stood in my shadow." - It's hard *not* to stand in your shadow! Aw, don't be so modest!
dr081008 -- How are your "Memoirs of a mall cop" coming, Dad? - Slowly. I know I've had an exciting career, but I can't seem to remember much about it! - Obviously, I have subconsciously blocked the more traumatic events from my memory! - How about the
dr081008 -- time you accidentally drank of no-neck's thermos? I'm saving that story for the climatic ending!
dr081009 -- I have finished my manuscript! Now I'll submit it to the publisher! - "Memoirs of a mall cop" is destined to become a literary classic! - - SLAM! Dang! I just thought of a better ending!
dr081010 -- Dad, something came for you in the mail! - It's from your book publisher! They probably read my manuscript and are prepared to offer me a contract! - Go ahead and read what it says! - "Dear aspiring writer, thanks, but no thanks." How did
dr081010 -- they know I was sweaty?
dr081011 -- I can't believe I got a rejection slip! - How could they turn down "Memoirs of a mail cop"?? - Maybe you should write a book about your other job, Dad! - "Memoirs of the guy who stood at the entrance of Bulk Club and checks your membership
dr081011 -- card"?? The title might need some work!
dr081012 -- Eee, I wonder if... - Well, it certainly is a... - You know, I've got a hankerin' for some... - Did anybody feed the... - Mom*'s not around, Dad. - You can finish your sentences! Sorry, force of... Habit?
dr081013 -- ...the world series, autumn leaves... - Candy corns, pumpkins... - Old monster movies on TV! - What's not like about October?! It sure puts *January* to shame!
dr081014 -- - -
dr081015 -- Care for some gum, Norman? Thank you! - push push krinkle krinkle krinkle krinkle push push - BANG OW!! - There's a special place in heck reserved for the inventor of the blister pack!
dr081016 -- I'm going to school! - Have a good day, Son! - Remember, your future is in *your hands!* - Come to think of it, that wasn't very reassuring!
dr081017 -- - Do we *have* to play football in the rain, dad? - Yes! It builds character! Don't be such a wimp! - Nice pass!
dr081018 -- - How did he *do* that??
dr081019 -- Thwap! Thwap! Thwap! Thwap! Thwap! Thwap! Thwap! Thwap! Thwap! Thwap! Thwap! Thwap! Never wear flip-flops to the library!
dr081020 -- I'm off to the course, honeybunch! Ralph, I want you to teach me how to play golf! - WHAT?!! Then I can go with you whenever you play! - ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR.. - ...favorite shampoo, yet? Because if you are, I'd be happy to stop at the store!
dr081020 -- Frankie Rodriguez would admire that save!
dr081021 -- Remember to keep your eye on the ball, honeybunch! - WHACK! - Darn! - My ball didn't hit the tree like yours! Mine just went straight down the middle! sigh
dr081022 -- It's a great idea for me to learn to play golf, isn't it, Ralph?!! - Now, instead of having to play golf all by yourself, I can come with you and keep you company! Isn't that great?! - HEY, SLOW DOWN! YOU DRIVE LIKE A MANIAC! HO *THAT* WAY!!
dr081022 -- - Anyway, as I was saying... Maybe i could take up windsurfing!
dr081023 -- BOOF! - Sigh - BOOF! That looks like fun! I wish *I* could hit my ball into the sand!
dr081024 -- SPLOOSH! - Golf isn't fair. - You keep getting to use a new ball, and I've used the same one all day!
dr081025 -- Hi, Elanie! Guess what! I'm playing golf with my husband! - No, I don't know what the score is. We're not keeping track anymore! - After the first hole, Ralph had nine and I had only four! - I guess he didn't want me to feel bad for having
dr081025 -- such a low score! putt! It's a breach of golf etiquette to talk to a cell phone!
dr081026 -- carve carve scoop scoop carve carve carve - - ...Sigh... Happy Halloween It's a *Ralph*-O-Lantern.
dr081027 -- This is the time of year when strange creatures materialize! - Boo! Hey, it's the Halloweener dog! Followed by the Thanksgiving turkey!
dr081028 -- Yikes! That's the worst Jack-O-Lantern I've seen all night! - But it's certainly the biggest! Pumpkins were way expensive this year!
dr081029 -- Trick or treat! Here you go! - PANCAKES?!! - Every year, I eat all the candy before anyone gets here, so I made pancakes for everybody! - PANCAKES?? I was going to add chocolate chips, but I ate 'em all!
dr081030 -- knock knock - Trick or treat! - OK, here. Thanks! - Why didn't I think of that years ago? Hey, wait a minute!
dr081031 -- DING DONG! - YAAAAAAHH!! - Congratulations! That's the scariest costume of the night!! - Never mind him, mother! hee hee Why did you marry such a numbskull?
dr081101 -- Tonight we turn our clocks back one hour. Do you know what that means, Norm? - It means I get an extra hour of sleep tonight! Actually, Dad, you don't. - I didn't want the end of daylight saving time to come as a shock... - So I set our
dr081101 -- clocks back one minute every day for the past two months! No wonder I've been late for work!
dr081102 -- My favorite scene in the movie "Jaws" is when the sheriff sees the shark for the first time, and then tells Quint: "You're gonna need a bigger boat!" - What on earth made you think of *that*? Who knows?
dr081103 -- Dad, when I started the car, the "check airbag" light came on! - So, I gently bumped into that big tree in our yard. - And you'll be happy to know that the airbag worked perfectly! - But now the car has a little dent. Sometimes I think if I
dr081103 -- just don't look up, it will all go away!
dr081104 -- Vote What a relief! - At long last, the seemingly endless campaign is finally over! - Welcome to the first of the 2012 PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES.
dr081105 -- Shack of Flapjacks Good morning, officer Drabble! Mornin', Wilma! - Hostess will seat you Your regular table? Yes, please! - OK, TIME'S UP! BEAT IT, BUSTER! - Right this way! Let's just say I'm one of their better customers!
dr081106 -- Do you have a photo I.D.? No. - But I sort of look like him, except a little older and heavier. - - OK, thanks! Identity checks are a pain in the neck, but I guess they're necessary!
dr081107 -- lick lick lick - ROWF! - - Nice hang time!
dr081108 -- Hey, this movie is *old*! And it's in black and white! You said it was *scary*! - "The Wolf Man" is one of the scariest films ever made! I had nightmares for *years*! - Trust me, you kids will have trouble falling asleep tonight! - Z zzz
dr081108 -- ZZYZX!! ...or not.
dr081109 -- I can't hear the TV! - - Ralph, I asked you to turn up the volume! - No, you didn't. You just made a statement of fact! - If you'd like me to do something for you, then you should ask me in the form of a question! - Ralph, will you please
dr081109 -- turn up the volume? Sure. - - I'm hungry! My, how interesting!
dr081110 -- I still can't believe how the vote went! - What a disappointment. - What could the voters have been *tinking*?? - The cat on the motorcycle was way funnier than the guy falling off the roof! Sometimes the funniest home video doesn't win!
dr081111 -- I think I figured out why they hold elections in early November... - Because as soon as it's over, the holiday season begins! - People put aside all the divisiveness and ugliness and come together in a spirit of... - LET GO! I SAW IT FIRST!!!
dr081111 -- Forget it.
dr081112 -- Look! We're on the security monitor! - Wow, it's true what they say: The camera adds weight! Jeepers! - It not only adds a lot of weight, it adds a lot of AGE! Good golly! - Oh, never mind. I was looking at you!
dr081113 -- Flapjacks Good morning, officer Drabble! Table for two? Yes please, for me and my son! - ...and we'll need a booster seat! - Dad, I don't need a booster seat! It's not for you. - I like to order the "Skyscraper" stack!
dr081114 -- Dad, why are golf clubs so expensive? - They're engineered to be perfectly balanced and aerodynamic! - Why does it need to be aerodynamic? - When you get mad and fling it, it should sail through the air nicely!
dr081115 -- Rise and shine, Norman! - scratch scratch I guess one out of two isn't bad!
dr081116 -- But, honeybunch, my motto is "waste not, want not"! Ralph, for the last time, NO! - I will not be using THAT to make pumpkin pie!
dr081117 -- Ice Cream SCOOP SCOOP - Hmmm... - Honeybunch, is it okay if I just polish off the rest of the carton? I suppose. - Sweet!
dr081118 -- Would you like to go to the movies tonight, honeybunch? And see what? - How about that chick flick you've been wanting to see? - That sounds great! I'll go get my purse! - Well? Come on! You mean I have to go, too?
dr081119 -- I'm filling out a job application, Dad! - Let's see... "print full name" - Norman Trouble Drabble - When you were little and I used to say, "trouble is your middle name," I was just kidding! NOW you tell me?
dr081120 -- - Hello, Norman... Shhh! - My mind is engaged. - Your mind's not even going steady!
dr081121 -- Have a seat, Ralph! Thanks, Jerry! - How have you been? snip snip Fine, thanks! - How's the family? snip snip snip Oh, they're... - All done! My haircuts don't take as long as they used to!
dr081122 -- DING DONG! - arf arf ARF arf arf arf ARF ARF arf arf arf arf arf arf - Wally, knock it off! It's just the TV! - How'd the TV get out there?
dr081123 -- ...no, we're just planning a little weekend getaway... - Unfortunately, honeybunch has never understood the concept of packing lightly! U-Move Truck Rental Be sure to save room in there for the piano!
dr081124 -- ...Halloween decorations, thanksgiving decorations, easter, Christmas...ah, here it is. - Cold and flu season! Thank you, Ralph! If you ask me, Mom goes a little overboard with the seasonal decorations!
dr081125 -- Good night, Wally! - Wally seems to enjoy sleeping in his crate! Every dachshund loves his "den". - According to the vet, dachshunds are easily overwhelmed and enjoy retiring to a place of peace and security! - Isn't anybody going to close
dr081125 -- the door?
dr081126 -- Rise and shine, Wally! Oh, boy. - I love the morning! The world is mine! - After a long night's sleep, I can go anywhere and do anything! I know just what I want to do first... - Z
dr081127 -- Football games, parades, turkey...it's been a perfect thanksgiving! - Except that my relatives couldn't join us this year! Like I said...
dr081128 -- - ROWF! ROWF! ROWF! ROWF! - HISS! -
dr081129 -- What should we buy your Dad for Christmas? - How about something cool, like an iPhone? I'm not sure... - Your father's not exactly a techno geek! Oh, yeah, huh. Hello! Operator, please! Hello? click clack click
dr081130 -- When you see a lot of trucks parked in front of a restaurant, it means truck drivers like to eat there! - If you always see police cars in the perking lot, you know that restaurant is popular with policemen. - Shack Of Flapjacks This place
dr081130 -- happens to be popular with mall cops!
dr081201 -- Dad, there's a girl at school I really like. - Unfortunately, she won't give me the time of the day. - RALPH, IT'S 6:52!!! OK! OK! I'm coming! - Enjoy it while you can, son!
dr081202 -- On, No-Neck! On, Ralph! On, Larry and Evelyn! - Santa's arrival at the mall gets more spectacular every year!
dr081203 -- You wanted to see us, Dad? Yes, kids! Tonight we're going to play a game called "Find The TV Clickers"! On your mark, get set, GO! - Winner gets a buck! Isn't this a lot like the "Find Dad's Car Keys" game?
dr081204 -- - You haven't seen the nutcracker ballet until you've seen it performed by MALL COPS ON WHEELS!
dr081205 -- Slap, slappity Slap, slappity slappity slappity slap... - Slappity slap, slappity slappity slappity slap! - That was the worst rendition of "The Little Drummer Boy" I've ever heard! Fine. See if we come caroling at YOUR house again!
dr081206 -- PHOO! Ralph, that's disgusting! - That's expensive fudge! Don't eat around the nuts! - I *always* eat around nuts! - Especially when her relatives come over for dinner!
dr081207 -- - - - I think someone needs to go home and take a nap! - ZZYZX
dr081208 -- Somebody called and left a message for you, Dad. - But I didn't have a pen to write it down, so, sorry. - I forgot the person's name, but I think it may have been a woman. - Good work, son. Actually, it might have been for mom.
dr081209 -- ZZYZX - Hey, Wally! Wanna play ball? - It's hard to believe this dog was sound asleep three seconds ago!
dr081210 -- chirp chirp! whirrrrr - eek! Whoa! Good boy! - To the foot court trigger! whirrrr
dr081211 -- Hey, No-Neck... - I put streamers on my mallercycle! Come tell me if it looks good! I'll be right there! - Never mind.
dr081212 -- I should buy a pair of those hand weights! - I'd get better exercise when I walk if I carried extra weight in each hand! - Don't waste the money! If you want to carry around extra weight, I have a better suggestion... - OK, now start walking!
dr081213 -- Welcome to Galtburger! - May I take your order, please! - Surprise me! - They usually do, anyway!
dr081214 -- What's up, honeybunch? Don't bug me, Ralph. I'm very stressed. - I have to prepare and deliver holiday gift baskets for everyone on my secret Santa list, and I'm losing my mind!! - Let's see...This one is for the Bench family and this one is
dr081214 -- for the Byrne family and this one is...no, that's not the right...*this* one is for...no, wait... - DARN! I FORGOT TO PUT TAGS ON THEM AND NOW I HAVE TO START ALL OVER!! - Every year at this time, your mom turns into a raving holiday
dr081214 -- gift-basket case!
dr081215 -- Would you like *me* to cook Christmas dinner this year, honeybunch? - No thank you, Ralph! - I learned my lesson when I let you cook *thanksgiving* dinner! - I still can't believe you stuffed the turkey with cheetos! It was delicious!!
dr081216 -- Sometimes I feel like I'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders! - That's ridiculous, Norman. You don't even *have* shoulders! - That's like saying you have a lot on your mind! - Yeah, you're probably right. Thanks, Wendy! Norman
dr081216 -- is no fun to insult!
dr081217 -- -  Now, what would possess them to have a Tug-O'-War? - Oh.
dr081218 -- Visit Santa OK, let's go! - Go?? Don't you want to tell Santa what you want for Christmas, Penny? - It's OK. I just texted him!
dr081219 -- Hi, Shelli! What's new? - See? Teenagers aren't the only ones who can talk o the phone, send a text and E-Mail all at the same time! Your Mom deserves a honorary degree in communications!
dr081220 -- Honeybunch, I think it's amazing how you can have conversations with three different people at the same tine! text text - Thank you, dear. Now get lost! text text No, not *you*, Denise. Make it *four* different people!
dr081221 -- Uh-oh! We're getting pulled over! - Why, good evening, officer! Mind if I ask you why you sped away from that house so quickly? - I can explain, officer! My wife is making us deliver secret Sanka gifts! - We leave a basket of goodies on
dr081221 -- somebody's porch, ring the bell, and run away before they see us! - Yeah, my family does that, too. Well, have a good evening and drive carefully! - As long as the driver is here, Dad, why don't you ask him what to do about your expired
dr081221 -- driver's license?
dr081222 -- It's so much fun to decorate for the holidays! - I love making everything look festive! - Right, Wally? - Actually, I'll be kind of glad when it's over!
dr081223 -- ...on the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me... - Two turtles and a partridge in a pear tree - - Why did you stop singing? Most people slam their doors by now!
dr081224 -- If you look up the sky, Penny, you might see Santa and his reindeer! - Look! I see a red light moving across the sky! It's probably Rudolph!! - Actually, it looks more like a twin engine 737 making its final approach to the airport! - It's
dr081224 -- probably the nine o'clock flight from Atlanta! Penny might be getting a little too old for this!
dr081225 -- Gather 'round this, kids, for dad's annual reading of "Twas The Night Before Christmas." - Kids?? I think they might be getting too old for it. - - Yeah, but *Dad's* not too old for it!!
dr081226 -- I'm bored. - BORED?!! - Penny, you opened all your Christmas presents yesterday! - I know, but all the ribbons and paper and boxes and fun stuff got thrown in the trash!
dr081227 -- Hi, Wendy! - Gimme five! - OW!! - I didn't mean step on my *foot*! - Be more specific in the future!
dr081228 -- Ralph, it's important that dachshunds do not get overweight! - Go weigh Wally, please! How do I get him to stand on the scale?! - You stand on the scale holding Wally, see what you weigh together, and then subtract *your* weight! ...sigh... -
dr081228 -- - He weighs 92 pounds. - 92 POUNDS?! Something tells me dad hasn't weighed himself in about 30 years! I weigh 190 pounds! Check my driver's license!
dr081229 -- Christmas was kind of a letdown this year. How come, Dad? - I guess I was a little disappointed with my gifts. - What are the odds of getting six nose hair trimmers?? In your case, pretty good!
dr081230 -- Free samples - YECCHH! That's AWFUL! - The worst dip I've ever tasted! - Although, it might be OK with crackers! Ralph, that's scented body butter.
dr081231 -- Why are you making so many pancakes?? - I volunteered to help decorate floats for the tournament of pancakes parade on new year's day! - Tournament of PANCAKES?? How many do you need?? - The Eiffel Tower float alone requires 7,000 pancakes,
dr081231 -- 450 waffles and 2 slices of french toast!
dr090101 -- Leaning Tower Of Pancakes - Eiffel Tower Of Pancakes I guess we really didn't need to camp out overnight for a good spot to watch the tournament of pancakes parade!
dr090102 -- Good heavens! Why is the television so loud downstairs? - Oh. - RALPH, MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU NOT TO EAT PORK RINDS WHEN YOU WATCH TV?!! CRUCH CRUCH CRUNCH Say what??
dr090103 -- There's nothing to do! - Here's an idea: you know those pretty papers and envelopes and crayons that grandma gave you for Christmas? - You could use them to write notes thanking everyone who gave you a gift! - Grandma is pretty smart!
dr090104 -- After-hours at the mall... Mall cop fountain jumping! Please Hold Hand Rail
dr090105 -- That's a nice tie! Where did you get it? - I forget! - I GAVE IT TO YOU FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY!! Oh, yeah, huh! - I may be finished with school, but the pop quizzes never end!
dr090106 -- Hi, Wendy! - Fist bump! - HONK! - Did I miss? Sorry, I'm not wearing my contacts. I wonder if Howie Mandel has to put up with stuff like this?
dr090107 -- Hurry, Ralph! Let's get inside the store before it closes! - Don't forget your keys, honeybunch! - Can't you just hold on to them for me? - I'd rather not!
dr090108 -- Congratulations, Dad! - Someone from your credit card company called while you were gone. - They wanted to speak to you about your OUTSTANDING BALANCE!! - I am proud to be your son! ...sigh...
dr090109 -- Honeybunch, I'm a happily married man and I love you dearly. - I am completely loyal and devoted to you, and you alone. - But if "Deal Or No Deal" model #16 ever happens to call me, all bets are off! - Women *say* they want honesty in a
dr090109 -- relationship, but they really don't.
dr090110 -- Would you like half of my giant-size candy bar, Wendy? - No, thanks. - You know, on second thought, maybe I will! - Thay what?
dr090111 -- - Creak! - I see the holiday bills are starting to arrive! It's always the first avalanche of the year!
dr090112 -- Listen, Wendy. I may not be the smartest guy in the world... - I may not be the handsomest or the best-dressed... - Or the most athletic or the most talented or...or... - I forgot where I was going with that! So far, so good, though!
dr090113 -- - - - She's kind of mean! Tell me about it!
dr090114 -- - Maybe we should have put our new flat screen TV a tad higher up on the wall. - Or you could just suck in your stomach!
dr090115 -- - Can I try it?! - Sure, Patrick! - Just make sure you get the right amount of bubble fluid, and then hold the wand right about... - Yeah, it's pretty good.
dr090116 -- ...so like I said, if you get this message before ten, give me a... - CLICK! Hello?? - Darn! - I hate it when answering machines only give you 45 minutes to leave a message!
dr090117 -- I have to go in there and tell my teacher I lost my homework! - Don't just tell him you *lost* your homework! That makes you sound irresponsible! - Think of a better way to say it so he'll have sympathy for you! - I dislocated my homework!
dr090118 -- I'm sorry you're sick, dad! - I'm mostly concerned about your mother. - How come? - She worries a lot when I'm sick! - I sure hope you're not contagious because if *I* get sick and can't go to my *book club meeting* tomorrow night, I'm really
dr090118 -- gonna be *steamed*!!! - See what I mean?
dr090119 -- Look, dad! I found another dinosaur bone in our backyard! - That's not a dinosaur bone, Patrick! It's one of Wally's dog biscuits! - There goes my science project!
dr090120 -- RAWRFF! RAWRFF! RAWRFF! - Why does Wally always bark at you when you come home? - He's not barking! He's saying, "Ralph! Ralph!" - He knows my name! I thought his name was Grunthead!
dr090121 -- There's my kittie waiting to greet me! - I missed you! How is my favorite kittie? - I'm so happy to see you! - ...and also, hello to my beloved husband, who pays all the bills! Oh, yeah, hi Ralph!
dr090122 -- rake rake rake - rake rake rake rake - - Raking your own footprints out of a sandtrap is more difficult than it looks! Hurry up before it gets dark!
dr090123 -- Ralph, don't set your water glass on the table! It'll leave a ring! - And don't set it on my magazine! Use a coaster! - On second thought, that's a nice coaster... - How come you like to drink out of the hose, Dad. Life is easier this way.
dr090124 -- Wally, sit up! RARRF! - Lie down! - Roll over! - You didn't do anything right! I didn't see any treats!
dr090125 -- Ralph, I think you should get a physical. - I'm scared of doctors! - Besides, I know I'm in good health! - How do you know? - Because my friend No-Neck is the same age as I am, eats the same stuff as I do, and does all the things I do! - He
dr090125 -- gets a physical every year and he's always fine! If he's fine, I must be fine! - ...sigh... - How come she never says "good thinking, Ralph"?
dr090126 -- - - BLAT! thump thump - What made you think you could slice tomatoes with the ceiling fan? It was worth a try!
dr090127 -- - - Yipes! - Why didn't you tell me I looked ridiculous? I gave up in the mid-nineties!
dr090128 -- The kids are staying with Gramma tonight. - We have the house all for ourselves! - What could be better? Having the house all to MYself! - What did you say? That's wonderful, dear!
dr090129 -- I have an idea, Ralph... - Since the kids aren't home tonight, let's go to the video store and rent a movie we've been wanting to see! - There are no movies I've been wanting to see. - Fine! Then we'll rent a movie that I'VE been wanting to
dr090129 -- see! NO! NO! NO! I'LL THINK OF SOMETHING!
dr090130 -- Which of these movies should we rent tonight, Ralph? - That one! How come? - It's only 92 minutes long. The other one is 120! - Maybe I'll still have time to watch wrestling afterward!
dr090131 -- Ralph, I'd be happy to watch any movie! Just pick one! - OK, here! - - Pick any movie *except* this one! But this was Shemp's finest performance.
dr090201 -- I hate these gigantic hardware superstores! I have to walk miles to find anything! Holy crud! - Would you like a cart sir? - As a matter of fact, I would! Wheel me down to plumbing!
dr090202 -- Hello, Melanie? This is Norman Drabble. - I was calling to see if we're still on for tonight! - Well, I asked you for a date last summer, and you said you were tied up until Groundhog Day, remember? - Dang. I guess I should have touched base
dr090202 -- with her around Veterans Day!
dr090203 -- I understand. Thank you, anyway. 'Bye! - Sorry, Norman, but you'll have to clean your own room! - Even MIKE ROWE won't do it! Dang! Who's Mike Rowe? The host of TV's "Dirty Jobs." Do I have to explain everything?
dr090204 -- - I know that you're hoping that I'll drop some of this yummy cake on the floor, Wally... - But I don't like it when you sit there and look up at me with those sad eyes! - That goes for you too, Ralph!
dr090205 -- For me?? Wow! It's wonderful being married to me, isn't it, Ralph? - - Yes! - The correct answer is useless if your timing is off!
dr090206 -- Son, your problem is that you lie down on your back and let people walk all over you. - People never walk all over ME! - And why do you suppose that is? - Maybe they don't want to walk uphill! I WASN'T TALKING TO YOU!!
dr090207 -- ...so, my Dad was saying that... - Hey, are you using that chair? - This chair that I'm sitting in?? Yeah, can I borrow it= - Uh...well, sure. I guess so. - Anyway, my dad was saying that I let people walk all over me, but I don't think
dr090207 -- that's true. Do you?
dr090208 -- - - - - - - - OOF! - To jump all the way up on *this* stomach, you need a really good running start!
dr090209 -- ...Sigh... - If cats ruled the world, we wouldn't have beds... - Everyone would sleep on a pile of fresh laundry! Cats *don't* rule the world??
dr090210 -- pick pick claw claw Oogie! You bad kittie! - You clawed our new sofa to shreds! - Aww...I just can't stay mad at you! - Why not? You're able to stay mad at me! Oogie didn't buy me a vacuum cleaner for our anniversary!
dr090211 -- How was your golf game, Norm? - I was hitting my tee shots pretty well, but then I drove into the water on the 17th! - I drive a lot of balls into the water on that hole, too! - Not the ball, the golf cart!
dr090212 -- I need a favor, Norm. What is it, Stu? - I want you to go to Monique's house and ask her to be my valentine! - Why do I have to do it? Because I can't handle rejection! - And I CAN??! I figured you're an expert by now!
dr090213 -- Yes? Hello, Monique! - My friend Stu wants to know if you'll be his Valentine. - He's a little on the shy side, so he asked me to ask for him! - She said no. I KNEW I should have asked someone else to ask for me!
dr090214 -- Hi, Wendy. Will you be my Valentine? - Probably not. - OK, well, here's a box of candy, anyways! Thank you. - I'm glad I ate all the butterscotch squares!
dr090215 -- Allow me, honeybunch! - Don't worry about the dishes! I've got it all under control! - Let's watch whatever YOU want to watch! - Can I bring you anything, sweetheart? No, thank you. - Would you like me to fluff up your pillow? I'm fine. - I
dr090215 -- must admit, the first 24 hours after your husband realizes he forgot Valentine's Day can be pretty entertaining!
dr090216 -- Hey, Wally! Want to go outside and play ball? ? - I like how Wally tilts his head when he doesn't quite understand what you're saying! - Dad does that too sometimes, when Mom's talking to him! ...and when you buy the head of lettuce, pick out
dr090216 -- a *good* one! The ones in front are all picked-over, so reach for one in the back, but not the *bottom* of the back because it will be all squished... ?
dr090217 -- Hey Patrick, dad is so lame, he still doesn't know how to take a picture with his cell phone scratch scratch text text text - Send - Uh-oh! - I may be lame, but at least I know how to send a text message to the right person!!
dr090218 -- Wow! These 3-D glasses are *amazing*! - Everything looks so *realistic*!! - It's almost like I could reach out and touch things! Imagine how the movie will look when we get in the theater!
dr090219 -- Gee, this is interesting... - Apparently, future technology will enable us to send text messages to people in the past. - How do you know? Because i just received a text from myself in the future! - It says not to order the Pastrami Burrito
dr090219 -- or I'll regret it for days!
dr090220 -- Wendy, i wanted you to know that... - Uh-oh...it's another text message from myself in the future! - "Whatever you do tonight, don't tell Wendy that she looks good carrying a few extra pounds. - Never mind!
dr090221 -- WHERE'S THE CAT?!! - What? I thought I heard the cat yowling in here! - I couldn't hear a thing. I was singing along with my iPod! - That explains it. I should be danncinn' yeeeaaaaahh!
dr090222 -- - - - - BANG BANG BANG! * * bang! bang! * BANGITTY bang! bang! BANG BANG bang! bang! BANG! - You weren't going to cheat on your diet, were you, Ralph?? All I will say is, that was pretty sneaky to put bubble wrap in front of the refrigerator!
dr090223 -- One more bandage ought to do it. - Were you at least able to get the flea collar on? Almost.
dr090224 -- You seem a little down, Dad. - Don't worry. It's normal for a man your age to be depressed! - Add to that your other problems, like your expanding bald spot and your turkey neck, and it's all perfectly understandable! - Thanks for the pep
dr090224 -- talk, son. Now, go get 'em!
dr090225 -- I feel great this morning! - No you don't! I don't? - No! You're always complaining about your aches and pains! - Those aches and pains from 23 years of standing corrected!
dr090226 -- Uh-oh... - I'm receiving another text message from my future self! - It says, "never clip a clothespin in your nostril. It's very uncomfortable." - Boy, that arrived in the nick of time! Sigh
dr090227 -- Are you OK, dad? I'm nauseous! - No, you're *nauseated*! - If something is *nauseous*, it causes nausea in others. - He got it right the first time!
dr090228 -- Norman, do you really believe you're getting text messages from yourself in the future? - Of course! Only my future self would know these things! Listen... - "When you audition for 'American Idol,' don't sing '99 Bottles Of Beer On The Wall.'
dr090228 -- Even Paula won't like it!" - See?? Who else would have known I was planning to do that??
dr090301 -- Good evening, parents! Welcome to another exciting little league season! - I'm coach Rick, and I'll be running your child's team! - My own son will be the star of the team, doing most of the pitching and batting clean-up! He'll play every
dr090301 -- inning of every game! - I decided to become a coach for one reason: to ensure that my son makes the all-star team and gets a big trophy! - If your child id not a good hitter, that's fine. I'll teach him never to swing the bat, and to try to
dr090301 -- get hit by a pitch! - I will teach your child what little I know about baseball, unless he starts getting better than *my* son. Then your child will get benched. - Hey, at least this coach is honest! For my year-end coach's gift, I'd like a
dr090301 -- gift certificate from Ted's Steak House!
dr090302 -- Here we go again... - I'm receiving another text message from myself in the future! - Just once, I wish I'd text myself with information that's actually *important*! - Please take dad to the emergency room immediately!!!
dr090303 -- Dad, I'm worried about you! You've been sick a lot, lately. - When's the last time you saw a doctor? - I went in for a checkup a couple of weeks ago, and everything was fine! - The dentist doesn't count! Yeah-huh! Look! His business card
dr090303 -- says, "Doctor"!
dr090304 -- Dad, you've been sick for days! You need to see a doctor! I'm scared of the doctors! - Why? There's nothing to be afraid of! - Of course there is! - I'm afraid he's going to tell me there's something *wrong* with me!
dr090305 -- What are we doing *here*? I thought we were going to get ice cream! - I'm taking you to the hospital, dad! What for?? - I received a text message from myself in the future, telling me to take you to the E.R. immediately! - I hope your future
dr090305 -- self also sent you tonight's winning numbers so we can *pay* for this!
dr090306 -- Please don't let me need surgery! Please don't let me need surgery! - Try to stay positive, dad! Odds are you won't need surgery! - Maybe you're just lactose intolerant! Then all you have to do is give up ice cream! - Please just let me need
dr090306 -- surgery! Please just let me need surgery!
dr090307 -- This is crazy, Norm. We've been waiting here a long time!. - I'm not sick. I'm just a little run-down, that's all! - It's not that I'm afraid to be examined. It's just a waste of time. C'mon, let's go. - Mr. Drabble, the doctor will see you
dr090307 -- now. Dang! I was almost out of here!!
dr090308 -- Mind if I turn off this sappy love song radio station? Not yet, Wendy! - ...and now we have a dedication from Norman to Wendy! - Wendy, Norman wants you to know that he love as you even more than his pet duck! - You are like the aerosol cheese
dr090308 -- on his soda cracker! - Your eyes are like big pools of smurfs, and your breath smells like the food court at the mall! - Norman says that without you, he's nothing...although he admits that he's not much *with* you, either! - He thinks of you
dr090308 -- night and day, except at 4:30, when he watches "Spongebob." Also, he...oh, forget it! - Good luck, Wendy. This Norman guy sounds like a real loser!! OK, let's turn on sports talk, now!
dr090309 -- What brings you here, Mr. Drabble? My son insisted I come, doctor. - I've been a little sick, but I really think I'm OK! - Doctor, I received a text message from my future self, telling me to bring him here right away! - We'll run some tests
dr090309 -- on both of you. By the way, don't tell the doctors about the texts!
dr090310 -- Tell me, Mr. Drabble, does it hurt when I press here? No. - How about here? Nope. - Here? AAAAAAAAAAUUUUGGGHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - Nope!
dr090311 -- Mr. Drabble, the doctor asked me to start you on an I.V. An I.V.??! - Now, you might feel a little poke  in your arm. Ready? One...two... - THREE!! - That wasn't so bad, was it?! One and two were OK, but three was brutal!
dr090312 -- Hi, honeybunch! Ralph!! Norman told me you were here!! - How are you??! How AM I?? - I'm lying in a hospital bedhokked up to an I.V.!! It's safe to assume I'm not at the top of my game! - Sounds like he's going to be fine! How *am* I, she
dr090312 -- asks!
dr090313 -- Mr. Drabble, you have appendicitis. You're going to need surgery. SURGERY??!!! - I've never HAD surgery before!! I don't WANT to have surgery!! - I demand a second opinion!! - Fine. YOU'RE GOING TO NEED SURGERY!!! Okie-doke!
dr090314 -- I don't want to have my appendix taken out! - I've never had surgery before! - What if the anesthesia wears off and I wake up in the middle of the operation? - You slept through the '94 earthquake, Ralph. Trust me, you're not going to wake
dr090314 -- up!
dr090315 -- Oogie! It's time for your num-nums! whirrrrrr - There you go! - YAWN - Cats never act excited when they get fed. It's undignified! - A cat won't eat until it's good and ready! - This is why cats are superior. This is why cats are mysterious...
dr090315 -- - Burp! - And that's why cats hate dogs!
dr090316 -- Wake up, Mr. Drabble! It's time to wheel you to surgery. Huh? Wha..? Don't worry about a thing, dad! - You know how sometimes doctors operate on the wrong body part? - While you were asleep, I wrote "cut here" on your lower left side! - My
dr090316 -- appendix is on the *right* side!! DANG!
dr090317 -- Maternity - X-Ray - SCREECH!! - I used to be a parking valet! You don't say!
dr090318 -- Where am I?? You're out of surgery, Mr. Drabble. - Good news! The operation went well! - You'll be back to your old self in no time! - I thought you said it was *good* news! That's my wife, doctor, in case you haven't guessed!
dr090319 -- This is ridiculous! I've called for the nurse seven times today... - And I still haven't  seen her! - You've had your surgery! Why are they keeping you in the hospital, anyway? - They wanted to keep an eye on me!
dr090320 -- Mr. Drabble, we're sending you home! Doc, I must say, this has been quite an experience! - I ignored my health for so long because I was afraid of doctors and medical procedures! - Bit I never will again! From now on, I'll get regular
dr090320 -- checkups and take better care of myself! - Speaking of that, it's time to schedule your first colonoscopy!
dr090321 -- You lost a lot of weight in the hospital, Ralph! - I wonder how long it will take you... - To gain it...all...back. - Say what? Never mind.
dr090322 -- Ralph Drabble's List Of Common Phrases That Are Never, Ever True! - Please continue to hold. Your call is very important to us! - Our dog has never dome anything like that before! - Urgent! Open immediately! - 10 items or less only. - You can
dr090322 -- decide where we go to dinner. I really don't care! - Now, that wasn't so bad, was it?
dr090323 -- Honeybunch, times are tough, so I've decided to take a second job! Doing what? - Working at the retirement village as an access granter! Access granter?? - I'll be stationed at the main gate, and it will be my job to decide who gets to come
dr090323 -- in! - In other words, you're a security guard? Access granter sounds cooler.
dr090324 -- ANOTHER JOB?? Dad, that's insane! You'll be exhausted! - I know these are tough times, but I will not let you do it! - Well, I suppose YOU could work part-time to help us out! - Chop chop, big guy! You don't want to be late for your first day
dr090324 -- on the job!
dr090325 -- HALT! STATE YOUR BUSINESS!! - I'm here to visit my mother, Mrs. Sherbert! Uh-huh. And what's *your* name? - I'm Mrs. Green! If she's your mother, why do you have different last names??! - Because I got married! Oh yeah, huh! Dang! I thought I
dr090325 -- had my first bust!
dr090326 -- Officer Drabble, I was only in the clubhouse for five minutes! - I'm sorry, Mrs. Unger, but I have to enforce the law! - You can't park on the sidewalk! Fine, but will you at least take the "boot" off my motorized scooter?!
dr090327 -- How was your first day on the job, Ralph? Great! - The retirement village is a great place to work! - Tomorrow, I'll be working from sundown to sunrise! - You're working the GRAVEYARD SHIFT?? We try not to call it that at the retirement
dr090327 -- village!
dr090328 -- Ralph, why are you working the graveyard shift?? - Because the retirement village needs someone who is alert and ready for anything! - Someone who is keenly aware, and who will stand guard throughout the night and never falter! - So why are
dr090328 -- you taking a sleeping bag? - Boy, you ask a lot of questions!
dr090329 -- Hey, Norm! There's a penny on the ground! Aren't you going to pick it up? - Naw, it's only a penny! - ONLY A PENNY?!! - Son, do you realize that every millionaire started with a penny?! - Whenever you find a penny on the ground, you're on
dr090329 -- your way to a million bucks! - Do YOU have a million bucks yet, daddy? No. - How come? - He can never pick up the penny!
dr090330 -- When will dinner be ready, honeybunch? Two minutes. - Ralph! Why are you eating an ice cream sandwich??? - I told you dinner would be ready in two minutes!! - No problem! I can eat one of these in thirty seconds!
dr090331 -- Dad, you'd better sit down! I've got big news! - I got a job at All-Mart! I stand at the door and greet people as they enter the store! - Can you believe it?! What a sweet job!! - I was so excited, I could hardly sleep during math class!
dr090331 -- Congratulations, Son!
dr090401 -- Norman got a job, honeybunch! - What kind of job? He's the new greeter at All-Mart! - The beauty of it is, there's practically no way he can goof it up! - Good morning! It's afternoon, Einstein!
dr090402 -- Hello. Welcome to All-Mart. - Hello. Welcome to All-Mart. - Hello. Welcome to All-Mart. - Hopefully, by the end of the month, I'll have this memorized!
dr090403 -- Hello. Welcome.....to...........All-Mart! - YES! I finally memorized my line!! - Drabble, we need you to work over at the exit for a while! - Thank you for shopping at All-Mart. Thank you for shopping at All-Mart.
dr090404 -- - Hello. Welcome to All-Mart! - Hello. Welcome to All-Mart! - Hello! Welcome to All-Mart! - IS THERE ANYONE ELSE WHO ENTERED THE STORE WHILE I WAS ON MY BREAK?
dr090405 -- - - - - - WHAM! - That's quite a cell phone bill! Those texting charged really add up.
dr090406 -- What's for... Dinner? Fast food. - Why do you always... Finish your sentences? - Because your questions are usually pretty obvious. - Ralph! Did you... Finish your french fries? Yes.
dr090407 -- Hello, welcome to All-Mart. - Hello, welcome to All-Mart. Hello, welcome to All-Mart. - Hello, welcome to All-Mart. Hello, welcome to All-Mart. Hello, welcome to All-Mart. Somebody please help me, I'm losing my mind. Hello, welcome to
dr090407 -- All-Mart. Hello...
dr090408 -- Poor Norman...his job is so monotonous! - He has to say, "Hello, welcome to All-Mart," to every person who enters the store! - Oh, well...If I know Norm, he'll find a way to make it interesting. - Hello. Welcome to All-Nart!
dr090409 -- Hello, welcome to All-Nart! - I saw your lips move! Good for you, lady. - The weight loss shakes are on aisle five! - Sorry! Every ventriloquist's dunny is a smart-aleck!
dr090410 -- Welcome to...whoa, good thing there's not a dress code! - Hey, cachi! F.y.i.-very few guys look good in sleeveless shirts! - Who's your fashion adviser, Larry the cable guy? - BAM! - Ow.
dr090411 -- Hi, Wendy! Welcome to All-Mart! - THAT'S WENDY?? I thought you said she was hot! - What's with the dummy? - He's my assistant greeter! That's the one I was talking to!
dr090412 -- -
dr090413 -- - Ralph, I hate it when you read over my shoulder! O, Sorry! - I guess we both have a lot of annoying habits that drive each other crazy. - COME BACK HERE!
dr090414 -- Ralph, what did you mean when you said that we both have annoying habits that drive each other crazy? - What could I possibly do that annoys you? - - Not a thing! COME BACK HERE!
dr090415 -- Ralph, you said that we both have annoying habits that drive each other crazy... - What annoying habits do *I* have?? - Honeybunch, I misspoke you have no annoying habits at all! Everything you do is delightful and charming! scratch scratch -
dr090415 -- One of YOUR annoying habits is that you always scratch your ear when you're lying! Dang.
dr090416 -- So, Ralph, you said we both have annoying habits that drive each other crazy. What are my annoying habits? - Well, for example... - NOOOO!!! You'll be sleeping on the couch until labor day! Tell her! She needs to know she slurps her corn
dr090416 -- flakes!
dr090417 -- Honeybunch, I've thought it over, and... - She blurts out the answers on "Jeopardy"! She makes you eat fish even though she knows you don't like it! - She doesn't let you get a word in Edgewise! She applies makeup in the car, so you have to
dr090417 -- drive really slow! She sets the thermostat way too high! She's a backseat driver! She throws out your favorite old shirts! - ...I can't think of a single thing you do that annoys me! Smart man! Chicken!
dr090418 -- - Ralph, stand up straight! - Are you kidding?? - I can't even lie down straight!
dr090419 -- - SCCRRREEEEE - EEEEEEEEEE - EEEEEEEEEEEEE - EEEEEEEEEEE - EECHH! THUMP! scrub scrub wash wash! - - I'm back from the store with fruits and vegetables for you to eat on your new diet, Ralph! Great! Now I understand why dad never oils the
dr090419 -- garage door opener!
dr090420 -- - Honeybunch, it's almost may! - Don't you think you should take down the mistletoe? NOT UNTIL IT WORKS!
dr090421 -- Hello? ...what? Yes. ...huh? - There's a bunch of static on the line! - Hello? - It's my mother!! Like I said...
dr090422 -- Daddy's very upset with you, Penny! That was a very naughty thing to do! - Look at me when I'm talking to you! - - OK, don't look at me!
dr090423 -- The neighbors bought an expensive new home security system! - We should get one, too, Ralph! We can't afford one! - The sign alone is a deterrent! This House Protected By Polecat Security - This House Protected By Polecat Security  And So Is
dr090423 -- The House Next-Door!
dr090424 -- Why are you watching that dumb show? Some of these reality shows can be very thought-provoking! *!!*?*!! - In fact, it just gave me the thought to change channels!
dr090425 -- It's one of life's great mysteries! - I guess I'll never know! Know what? - What do human beings *think* about all day? Not much, I'm guessing!
dr090426 -- Snack Of Flapjacks Your table is ready! - Right this way! - - Excuse me...if I order pigs in a blanket, can I get a Belgian Waffle on the side? - Do I look like I work here? - No, but you look like you come here a lot!
dr090427 -- HAATCH-ZZYZXX - What the heck was THAT? I sneezed! - That was the strangest sounding sneeze I've ever heard! Do you ALWAYS sneeze like that?? - I don't know. Calm down. Let's find out! Here's some pepper!
dr090428 -- Norman, quit making fun of the way I sneeze! I'm not making fun, Wendy! - I'm just pointing out that sneezes are like fingerprints. No two people sneeze exactly alike! - Some sneezes are loud, some are soft! Some are funny, some are dainty! -
dr090428 -- Let's stop there, please! YOUR sneeze sounds like an alligator choking on a beehive!
dr090429 -- Norman, everyone sneezes differently! - That's the sound I make when I sneeze! Sorry if it bothers you! - It doesn't bother mes at all, Wendy! It actually made me feel kind of good! - I realized that I may be a loser, but at least I sneeze
dr090429 -- like a normal person!
dr090430 -- Let's see, there are central incisors, lateral incisors... - Cuspids , bicuspids, molars... - Darn! There's no way I'm going to remember all this! - Norman, when I said you were having a dental exam tomorrow, I meant...oh, forget it!
dr090501 -- No, YOU are! No, YOU are!! Patrick! Penny! Why can't you two ever get along?! - I suffer from middle-child syndrome, Mom! - But you're the youngest! Patrick HAS it, I just suffer from it!
dr090502 -- RIP! - OK, Wally... I knew it! I knew it! - Here you go! CLOMP! - These things always like to hide in the middle of the paper towels!
dr090503 -- - What's happening in this TV show? - Patrick, it's almost over! Don't ask me to explain it all! - Just tell me what they're doing! ...sigh... - That guy's a spy, and he's trying to get back on the helicopter before it takes off, but the bad
dr090503 -- guy is trying to stop him because he knows that... - DANG! I just missed the ending!! - What happened? Who knows? You were yakking through it!
dr090504 -- Hello? ...yes, I'll bring you more tomato soup! . Whoops! - SPLOINK - I wish you wouldn't call me when I'm in the buffet line!
dr090505 -- Your dog woke me up barking again, Steinbauer! - What are you going to do about it? I'll give him an extra biscuit! HA! HA! - Have you ever considered an electric shock collar? I wouldn't put one of those on my dog! - I meant for YOU!
dr090506 -- The following program is really lame. - Viewer discretion is not advised! Sounds like my kind of show!
dr090507 -- - - ? - RALPH, YOU FORGOT TO EMPTY THE POCKETS OF YOUR CARGO PANTS AGAIN!
dr090508 -- I need another $40 out of the ATM machine. - Ralph, the term "ATM Machine" is redundant! - "ATM" stands for "Automated Teller Machine" It does? - I thought it stood for "Always Taking Money"!
dr090509 -- Wednesday Mother's Day is Sunday! - Thursday Mother's Day is Sunday! - Friday Mother's Day is Sunday! - Saturday Mother's Day is tomorrow, Dad! Holy Crud! What time do the stores close??
dr090510 -- Mother's Day Poem By Norman, Patrick, and Penny - You cook breakfast for us every day of the week, and do so without a complaint, Pancakes and bacon, sausage and eggs, our mother's indeed a saint! But today is the day that we honor our mom so
dr090510 -- we did cooking instead. Waffles, french toast and eggs over easy. We hope you like breakfast in bed! Now we don't mean to spoil this wonderful day, but there's something we must confess. We're not good at cooking, and not very neat. So the
dr090510 -- kitchen is kind of a mess! The milk got spilled, the batter splattered, our hearts are filled with sorrow. But today is *your' day, mom, so we must insist, don't clean it all up tomorrow! - And we *mean* it, too! Good luck getting the grape
dr090510 -- jelly off the ceiling!
dr090511 -- JENNIFER ANISTON! What are YOU doing in our kitchen? - Oh, it's YOU, honeybunch! My mistake! - Would you like to lick the cake frosting, Ralph? - That was impressive! The key is to keep a straight face!
dr090512 -- Penny, go straight to bed! I *can't* go straight to bed! - Why not? - Because to get to my room, I have to go left, then right, then left, then left again! SNORT!
dr090513 -- Excuse me...do I know you? No, I don't think so! - You look very familiar, and I can't figure out why! - Oh well, I'm sure it will come to me later! -
dr090514 -- Would you like me to vacuum for you, honeybunch? No thanks. You always miss the corners. - Want me to wash the dishes? No, you never get them clean enough. - Dad's either totally inept, or a lot smarter than he looks! I sure hop I don't knock
dr090514 -- over any of these vases! LEAVE THEM ALONE! I'LL DO THE DUSTING!
dr090515 -- KNOCK KNOCK - Hello! - I'm the mobile cat groomer! I never would've guessed! Here's Oogie! Good luck!
dr090516 -- Hold on, Penny! - BUT NOT TO MY HAIR!! - Oops! Sorry! -
dr090517 -- - - - - - - Wally certainly knows how to entertain himself! "Dachshund" must be German for !Insane dog"!
dr090518 -- Being the All-Mart greeter is not as simple as it looks! - Not only do I say hello to everyone, but I must keep my eyes and ears open for suspicious persons or activity! - Hello! Welcome to All-Mart! - Ski equipment is on aisle 37!
dr090519 -- Wait! You dropped a DVD! - Have a nice day! Enjoy all of that stereo equipment! - STOP THAT MAN!! Oh yeah, huh! - YOU CAN'T GO OUT THAT WAY! IT SAYS "ENTRANCE ONLY"!!
dr090520 -- Excuse me, Sir! I think you failed to pay for that merchandise! - I'll have to detain you until the police arrive! -  -SLAM! All right, then! You leave me no alternative but to make a citizen's arrest!
dr090521 -- I can't believe this! I'm in the trunk of a thief's getaway car! - I can't see a thing in here! What should I do?? - Remain calm. Call for help on your cell phone! - Light a flare so you can see! NEVER LISTEN TO HIM!!
dr090522 -- Hi, dad! It's me, Norm! I've got a little problem... What? - I tried to stop a thief today. Long story short, I'm now locked in the trunk of his getaway car! - Remain calm, son. This sort of thing happens to mall cops all the time... - Which
dr090522 -- is why everyone in Hollywood wants to make a mall cop movie!! IT ALL STARTED WITH ME, DANG IT!! Sorry if I called at a bad time, dad!
dr090523 -- OK, Norm...here's how you escape from the trunk of the car... - Remove the panel that covers the taillights. Remove the bulb... - Knock out the lens and stick your hand through to attract the attention of other motorists! - How about if I
dr090523 -- just pull the "open trunk" lever? Yeah, that would work, too.
dr090524 -- - Uh-oh! GRRRRRR!! - WALLY, LET GO!! THAT SOCK'S GOT YOUR FOOT! I'LL SAVE YOU!! - GOT IT! - What would you people do without me around here? - Dachshund owners shouldn't wear socks around the house! ANOTHER ONE!
dr090525 -- At last! Every chore on my "Honey-Do" list is done! - Dad, will you please blow up my wading pool, now? - When the "Honey-Do's" end, the "Do-Dads" begin! - Dad, when you're done with that, will you take me to the driving range?
dr090526 -- Bob! Welcome back from Brazil! Muito obrigado! Brazil?? - Bob migrated to South America to visit his relatives! - That's a long trip! You must be exhausted! - Actually, I only made it as far as the Taco Bell in Fresno. He has relatives?
dr090527 -- This duck is from Brazil?? Bob isn't a duck, dad... - He's a rare and valuable south American parrot! - I know how much you hate ducks! How dumb do you think I am?! - Well... I'd never let on that he's valuable!!
dr090528 -- Cramming for finals is exhausting! - I'm tired of studying! I can't read another word!! - I'm going to bed! - It's only 4:30 in the afternoon! I know! That's how boring it is!
dr090529 -- Hello, boss. It's me, Drabble. I won't be at work today. - I'm dealing with a nagging cold. - RALPH! I NEED ANOTHER BOX OF TISSUES!! - There it is now!
dr090530 -- - - How does the fence look, honeybunch? Well, it's not perfect... - But since you already put the paint away, it'll have to do! If there's one thing I've learned, it's to put the paint away quickly!
dr090531 -- - COME ON, SIGNAL! CHANGE!! GREEN LIGHT!! COME ON!! - LET'S GO ALREADY!!! ...10...9...8...7...6...5...4... - 3...2...1! - PRESS! - BLINK! - HEY, I WANT ONE OF THOSE THINGS! If you know exactly when the signal is about to change, you can
dr090531 -- really mess with people!
dr090601 -- My life hasn't turned out exactly as I had anticipated. - When I was young, I dreamed of becoming a mover and shaker. - Me too. - Unfortunately, as I get older, I seem to be doing more shaking than moving!
dr090602 -- Look! I found another plastic bottle! - It was hiding in the recycle bin! - - No need to thank me!
dr090603 -- Alex Trebek is very handsome, isn't he? - He's also very smart and he dresses well. - Did I mention that he's handsome? - Allow me to apologize once again for calling Rachael Ray a hottie. I'll take "Hunky Hosts" for $1,000, Alex!
dr090604 -- Where do you want me to park the car, dad? I have no opinion. - You always have an opinion! Park it anywhere you want! - BUT NOT HERE!! - I have no opinion where you park it, but I do have opinions of where you *shouldn't* park it!
dr090605 -- - - It's a good thing you wear the pants in the family, because I can hardly fit into 'em  anymore! You can still wear the sweat-pants in the family!
dr090606 -- Every man loves to barbecue! - Grilling meat outdoors over an open fire makes me feel a connection to my caveman ancestors! - That reminds me, I made a barbecue apron just for you! - I think you misspelled it! No, I didn't. Kiss The Kook
dr090607 -- ZZYZX - Why is dad sleeping under the car? ZZYZX! - RALPH! - Ralph, I need you to... - Oh, you're fixing the car. - Never mind. I'll do it myself! The only way dad can take a neap on the weekend is to make it look like he's doing something
dr090607 -- else! ZZYZX!
dr090608 -- How's your Hotdog, honeybunch? Not bad... - But when you said we were going to an exclusive place for dinner, I was expecting something different! We had to show our membership cards! How exclusive can you get?
dr090609 -- The food court at Bulk Club is the best value on earth! Where else can you get a hot dog and and soda for only $1.50? - We just fed our family of five for only $7.50! - Don't forget about the yearly $100 membership fee. Oh yeah, huh! Crud!
dr090610 -- Well, now that I've had a hot dog, a polish sausage, a slice of pizza and a churro, it's time to do a little shopping! - Their food court prices are so cheap, I don't know how Bulk Club makes any money! They sell a lot of those economy-size
dr090610 -- stomach antiacids!
dr090611 -- Shopping at Bulk Club is great! - There's only one thing I don't like about it... - I always bump into people I know! Ralph, you wouldn't need to buy all these weight-loss shakes if you'd quit buying all those ice cream sandwiches!
dr090612 -- I've noticed something... - The more you shop at bulk club... - The more your garage starts to *resemble* bulk club! Mom, where's the cereal? Aisle 5!
dr090613 -- Care for a free sample, sir?  Don't mind if I do! - That's another thing I like about Bulk Club! They give everyone free samples! - GRRRRRR! - Almost everyone!
dr090614 -- HALT! - Welcome to Wobbly Heights RetirementVillage! State your name and the purpose of your visit! - I'm Ms. Wilson, and I'm here to visit my grandmother Mrs. Poindexter! - You may proceed! CLAP! CLAP! - - The security arm is hooked up to a
dr090614 -- *clapper*?? Most things are, around here!
dr090615 -- I need to fix my hair!  - The toolbox is in the garage. - Hee hee! - OW! I beginning to understand why women live longer longer than men!
dr090616 -- Here comes the water! - - Whenever Dad gets in the pool, it's high tide in our backyard!
dr090617 -- CANNONBALL!! - Dad's the only person I know who can scare water!
dr090618 -- Wow! What's all that? I'm playing Solitaire. - You mean people can now play Solitaire without a COMPUTER?? - What will they think of next??! These are amazing times in which we live!
dr090619 -- Dad's come home from work, everybody! - I'm home! - I'm home! - Thank goodness for Wally!
dr090620 -- When I open the front door, Wally will be there with a ball, waiting for me to come home and play with him. - How do I tell him that I've had a long day and I'm too exhausted to play? - - I don't.
dr090621 -- Hello, Mr. Drabble! I'm from the mobile cat-grooming service! - I'm here for Oogie's summer grooming! - H...Hello, Oogie! grrr... Good luck! - GRRROOWWLL! scratch! claw! bite! snarl! AAUGHH!! - KNOCK KNOCK - All done! Oogie looks good, but
dr090621 -- you're a wreck! - Come back here, I'd also like to give you a tip... - Consider a different line of work!
dr090622 -- Sigh. - - Are you going to take some of EVERYTHING??! I've got to be home in bed by 11:30!! Patience is a virtue, especially in the buffet line!
dr090623 -- There are three things in life which are certain... - Death... Taxes... - And when I get home from work, Wally the wiener dog will be waiting for me with a ball to play with!
dr090624 -- When I come home and see Wally waiting for me with a ball in his mouth, I always wonder... - Has he been waiting here ever since I left this morning... - Or did he just come here, knowing that I always come home right about now? - It's a
dr090624 -- trade secret.
dr090625 -- I hate it when people leave fliers on my front door! - Gardeners, houses, housekeepers, coupons... - I hate the clutter! - Now, let's see what's in the fridge!
dr090626 -- I'm getting so old... - My hands are uglier than my feet! - No they're not! - She never could take a compliment!
dr090627 -- The mail came! - Here are some bills. - It may seem strange, but I actually enjoy paying bills! - That's good, because here are a few more! ...of course that's not to say you can't have too much of a good thing!
dr090628 -- - - CANNONBALL!! - - SPLOOSH! - Who needs the ocean when you've got Dad?! - He always HAS been good at making waves!
dr090629 -- Ralph, you fenderhead! What did I do now? - You ruined our calendar! You wrote "Golf With No-Neck" on July 7th, and took up the entire box! - There are five people in this family! Someone else might want to write something on July 7th, too! -
dr090629 -- Just when I thought I'd heard everything... Where's the whiteout?
dr090630 -- Hey, some kids are toilet papering our house!! - I'm going to scare 'em away! - - How'd that go? Not so good.
dr090701 -- - OOF! - - My new "Fat Blockers" work pretty good, don't they?
dr090702 -- Patrick, there's one thing all great athletes do to improve their game... - They study films! - I think we should do that, too! - I'm not sure watching *the babe ruth story* is going to help me! Are you kidding? William Bendix had a great
dr090702 -- swing!
dr090703 -- WOOSH - HIC! - WOOSH - HIC! - Never try to blow up a beach ball when you have the hiccups!
dr090704 -- Mom, what's for dinner tonight? Spinach casserole! - YUK!! - What's for dinner *tomorrow* night? *Leftover* spinach casserole! - Would you like to know what's for dinner the night after that? No, I think I'll just go live at grandma's house!
dr090705 -- What would you like for dinner tonight, Ralph? - Oh, I don't know... - How about that broccoli casserole dish that you like to make? - Really?? I always thought you didn't like my broccoli casserole! - I don't, but I've got a stuffy nose and
dr090705 -- I can't taste anything, so this would be the perfect night for it! - The thanks I get for trying to be helpful!
dr090706 -- Dad, is it better manners to put the ketchup directly on the french fries... - Or to dip each of them individually? - SKRAKK! - Say what? Never mind.
dr090707 -- Hi, honeybunch! - She's giving me the silent treatment. - What did you do? I wish I knew. - I'd do it more often.
dr090708 -- click! - WHIRRRR !  - You dumb cat! Why on earth are you afraid of a vacuum cleaner?? It's not like it's gonna... - AAAAAUUUGGHH!!
dr090709 -- Wendy, I have things going through my head... Besides air? - I'm thinking about our future together... - I'm thinking about the state of the world, I'm thinking about... - WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "BESIDES AIR"??!
dr090710 -- Are we there yet? Stop asking that! - It's annoying, and it won't make us get there any faster! - Patience is a virtue, and don't ever forget it! - Dinner ready yet?
dr090711 -- I'm having a bad day! I'm sorry. - Ralph, I hate it when you say you're sorry all the time! Sorry. - There you go again! Sorry. You need to stop doing that! - Sorry. You're gonna be sorry, all right!
dr090712 -- I'm home from work! - Hello, Wally! - I know you've been sitting here patiently waiting for me to come home... - But I'm too tired to play ball with you! - I work two jobs to make ends meet! By the end of the day, I'm too exhausted to chase
dr090712 -- you around the house trying to get the ball away from you! - So I'm sorry and I hope you'll understand, but... - GOT IT!
dr090713 -- Hey, Norm... - Hang on, dad! I've got three conversations going on here! - How does someone who can't walk and chew gum at the same time manage to text, E-Mail and talk all at once? Uh-huh...yeah... text text
dr090714 -- What time is it, Wendy? 12:25 DANG IT! - Everybody says a broken clock is right twice a day, but it's not true! - My watch is broken, and every time I check it, it says 6:52, which is never the right time! - I'll check it again in ten minutes
dr090714 -- and if it's still not right, I'm calling "Mythbusters".
dr090715 -- text text text text text No texting at the dinner table! - I'm your father, and what I say GOES! - Yeah, it goes through one ear and out the other! text text text text text ...Sigh...
dr090716 -- Dad, your problem is that life is passing you by. - You're a fuddy-duddy! You're a master of the mundane! You're simple-minded and boring! - Instead of your tired old ways, you should try a more creative approach! - You need to start thinking
dr090716 -- outside the box! You're going to be thinking outside the car, in a minute!
dr090717 -- My "listening" face. - My "I'm sorry" face. - My "oh, boy, we're going to your mother's house again" face! - My "concerned" face. - My "I love your new dress" face. - My "Sure, I'd love you to come play golf with me! face. - Every husband
dr090717 -- should take a little time to practice his faces!
dr090718 -- Look, Oogie! I bought you a toy! It attaches to your scratching post! - It wiggles, and you'll freak out because you'll think it's alive! Oh really... yawn - Exactly how dumb do you think I am?? - IT'S ALIIIIIIVE!!
dr090719 -- How war your golf game, dad? - Great! I ALMOST got a hole-in-hole! Wow! - Not only that, but I NEARLY got an EAGLE! Really?! - And I came THIS CLOSE to chipping it on the 11th! - And then I DARN-NEAR sank a 50-foot putt! - Way to go, dad! -
dr090719 -- You almost da' man!
dr090720 -- - - Have I mentioned lately how much I hate cats? Not since breakfast.
dr090721 -- You dumb cat! You got all wet! - Come with me! - CLICK! RRROOWWL! WHIRRR! AAAUUGH! - What happened? Never turn on a blow-dryer while holding a cat!
dr090722 -- GAAAAAAHHHH!! WHAM! - Whenever I get hurt, the dog always comes to me with concern! - The cat, on the other hand, just looks at me like I'm an idiot! - That's why dogs are better than cats! Actually, I just came over to see if he dropped any
dr090722 -- food!
dr090723 -- Here, Oogie! What's that? - It's a cat toy! Cats don't play with toys! - No cat would be dumb enough to play with a stupid thing like that! What do you think I am... - CLOMP! ...a dog?
dr090724 -- LOST CAT - White and orange. Has sharp claws, fleas, and sheds a lot. - If found, please keep! - Look who was hiding under the bed! Dang it!
dr090725 -- Bulk Club Membership Discount Warehouse It always takes a long time to check out at Bulk Club because everyone buys so much! - The good news is, they opened up an express line! - The bad news is, it's 75 items or less!
dr090726 -- Hi, honeybunch! - Honeybunch? Can you hear me?? - Oh, I see...you're listening to your iPod! - Well then, this might be a good time to tell you that I refuse to go to your sister's house next weekend! - I'M PUTTING MY FOOT DOWN! YOU CAN'T
dr090726 -- TELL ME WHAT TO DO! I'M THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE, AND THAT'S FINAL!! - Oh, hi Ralph! - By the way, we're going to my sister's house next weekend! Okeydoke! - Oh, be quiet! I don't say a word!
dr090727 -- Mom seems a little upset today, dad. That's because she thinks I've forgotten that our anniversary is tomorrow! - Why does she think that? Because that's what I want her to think! - Then tomorrow, when she's really mad, I'll give her this
dr090727 -- expensive watch, and she'll look like a complete fool! - How romantic! It's MY anniversary too! I deserve to have a little fun!
dr090728 -- Check this out, Norm! I bought your mom an expensive watch for our anniversary! - I even had it inscribed! - "To my first wife, honeybunch. Best regards, Ralph." - How's THAT for sentimental? It could've used a little more "mental".
dr090729 -- Norm, go find a clock and set your mom's new watch to the right time, but don't let her see it! OK! - Norman, it's trash day! AAAUUGH! - Well, don't panic! I just want you to take the cans out to the curb! Okie-doke! - I'd say he's acting
dr090729 --strangely, but with Norman, it's hard to tell.
dr090730 -- - That was a close one! The trash truck is on the way, and I almost forgot to take the cans out! - Where's the watch? What watch? - THE EXPENSIVE WATCH I BOUGHT FOR YOUR MOTHER THAT YOU WERE GOING TO SET FOR ME!! Uh-oh...
dr090731 -- Norman, where's the watch I'm giving your mom for our anniversary? I...I don't know! - It was in my hand, but then mom told me to take the trash out to the curb... ...I must have dropped it in the trash can! - No problem, dad! We'll just
dr090731 -- empty the can and we'll find it! No problem! - Problem.
dr090801 -- City Dump My son here accidentally dropped a very expensive watch in the trash! - It was an anniversary gift for my wife! Do you mind if we look around the dump and try to find it? - Are you kidding?? What are the odds of finding a WATCH in
dr090801 -- the DUMP?? - Then again, what were the odds of your son doing such a dumb thing in the first place?! In his case, pretty good!
dr090802 -- There's only one way to relax around here on a Sunday afternoon... - I'll need my reading glasses... - And a good book! - Now I'm all set! - Aw, isn't that cute? I'm less likely to get in trouble for being lazy if it looks like I fell asleep
dr090802 -- accidentally!
dr090803 -- This is hopeless! - Trying to find a lost watch in the city dump is like looking for a needle in a haystack! - Your anniversary is tomorrow! What are you going to give mom if we can't find the watch? - I wonder if she'd like a slightly used
dr090803 -- fishing pole?
dr090804 -- City Dump I give up. You must admit, dad, it's actually kind of funny! - You buy an expensive watch for mom, I accidentally drop it in the trash, and here we are, looking for it at the city dump! - I wonder if our insurance will cover it? - A
dr090804 -- lost watch? No, your upcoming medical bills!
dr090805 -- We'll never find it. The chances of finding your mother's watch in the city dump are slim to none! - Whoa! LOOK!! I don't BELIEVE it!! This is INCREDIBLE!!! - You found the watch??!! - No, somebody threw away a perfectly good Etch A Sketch!
dr090806 -- City Dump It's getting dark. We'll never find your mom's watch! - We've been here for hours sifting through trash. I'm exhausted and demoralized. - I give up. Let's go home. Dad, what if I discovered that mom's watch had been in my pocket this
dr090806 -- whole time? Would you be mad? - MAD IS NOT THE WORD! Remember, I said, "what if"!
dr090807 -- City Dump Dad! Look! I found mom's watch! That's impossible. - It CAN'T be the same watch. Read the inscription! - "To my first wife, honeybunch. Best regards, Ralph." - See? My name's not Ralph! IT SAID RALPH!!
dr090808 -- Happy anniversary, honeybunch! - You two smell TERRIBLE! - That's because we've been at the city dump, looking for your anniversary gift! - You got my anniversary gift at the CITY DUMP?!! - Yeah, and I also picked up a few things for myself!
dr090809 -- text text text text - text text - Oops! My bad! I hate texting!
dr090810 -- Honeybunch, would you like me to take you to see that stupid new chick flick? - The reviews are awful and it looks pretty dumb, but I'll suffer through it if you insist. - No, thanks. - Don't say I never offer to take you to the movies!
dr090811 -- - - - Your mom said I could have pancakes if I promised not to syrup on them!
dr090812 -- It says here that the key to a good marriage is to never tell your spouse what to do! - I never tell YOU what to do, do I? - - Answer me!
dr090813 -- - How was Woodstock? Hee hee! - Fine. How was the donut shop? - Smart aleck!
dr090814 -- Say cheese! I wish you hadn't brought that to the amusement park! - The camera adds ten pounds! - The backpack adds 25, the purse adds 15, the jacket adds five or six... We're going the roller coaster. Hold your Hats, too!
dr090815 -- How was your golf game, dad? - I shot seven birdies and two eagles! Wow! - What was your score? 103. - 103?? The back nine were brutal!
dr090816 -- Help me unload the groceries, Ralph... - I'm home from the store! - - - - - - You didn't come home FROM the store, you came home WITH the store!
dr090817 -- It's good to see you again, aunt Myrna! - Haa-CHOO! Whoa!! - Was that IT?? Was that WHAT, Penny? - Dad says aunt Myrna likes to shoot her mouth off!
dr090818 -- Everyone come out to the pool!! - And bring the video camera! What for?? - Dad's trying to get on top of the raft again!!
dr090819 -- The mail arrived! - Junk mail, junk mail, bills, junk mail... - Anything for me? Yeah, here... - "Recapture your youth with botox"??!! - My sense of humor is both a blessing and a curse!
dr090820 -- Hey, No-Neck! It's Ralph! I just realized that today is your birthday. - I forgot to send you a card, so I'll just read you one over the phone... - "Happy birthday to someone who is now old enough to drive with his blinker on!" - You're
dr090820 -- welcome. Bye! Men are so easy!
dr090821 -- Patrick! Don't be afraid to bounce the ball off your head!! - It won't hurt! There's nothing but wait inside! - That goes for the BALL, too! - I'm going to deck this coach in a minute! Parents probably shouldn't come to the practices.
dr090822 -- It's the ninth inning and the pitcher has a no-hitter going! - This is really exciting! Even I'M nervous! - I can feel the butterflies in my stomach! - You're right, mom. Dad WILL eat anything!
dr090823 -- Hi, Ralph! The usual? - Hello, Ralph! The usual? - The usual, Mr. Drabble? - Hello, Mr. Drabble. The usual? - Hi, Ralph! The usual? - Ooooohh! The usual, Ralph?
dr090824 -- How was your first day back at the college, Norman? I'm off to a bad start, mom. - I already had to drop one class because it wasn't what I expected. - What class was that? The complete works of Ibsen. - I thought we'd be watching the
dr090824 -- Beverley Hills Billies and Barnaby Jones!
dr090825 -- chirp chirp! Whoa! I'm getting a text message! - Hello. The back of your head is cute. - text text text text - So is the front of your head!
dr090826 -- chirp chirp! text text text  - My name is Brtny. What's urs? - text text text chirp chirp! - Nrmn, but the chks call me Nrmy. I'm going to brf!
dr090827 -- What's up with the duck? text texty text - texty text Bob is not a duck. - He's a rare south American parrot that takes on the characteristics of a duck for survival in the - in the what?? Sorry. My thumbs got tired!
dr090828 -- Tell me something about yourself, Nrmn. - I can play the theme from Bonanza with my armpit. - - I'm sry I askd! Maybe I shouldn't have started with that one!
dr090829 -- Dad, i mt a grl at schl tdy and her nme is brtny. - Why are you talking like that? Sorry, I've been doing a lot of texting!
dr090830 -- Boys, look at this bedroom of yours! I can't BELIEVE it! - It look s so much better! Thanks for tidying up! It took us all afternoon! I never knew we had a green carpet!
dr090831 -- Ralph, why do you like to barbecue so much? - It's a GUY thing, honeybunch! - Cooking meat over an open fire makes me feel 'at one' with my caveman ancestors! - I would think just looking in the mirror would do that! Before the night is over,
dr090831 -- I'll think of a snappy comeback!
dr090901 -- I know what you're going to say: you wish you had a new barbecue! - This one is getting old, and you'd like a fancy new one! - Christmas is coming. I'll keep it in mind! - My wife not only finishes my sentences, she often starts them!
dr090902 -- Ralph, come with me and close your eyes! I've got a big surprise for you!  - OK, you can look! - A new barbecue??! Are you happy? - I'll say! The last time you had a surprise, you painted the car orange!
dr090903 -- This new barbecue is easier to light than the old one, Ralph! - All you have to do is press a button! - You mean I no longer have to strike a match, toss it in and duck for cover? Correct! - Wow! Just think, maybe your eyebrows will grow
dr090903 -- back!
dr090904 -- I can't believe you bought me a fancy new barbecue, honeybunch! - How on earth could you afford it? - I used a credit card! - In other words, YOU bought it, and I get to pay for it! We make a great team, don't we?
dr090905 -- Honeybunch, I can't believe you bought me a new barbecue! - I love it! - How can I show my appreciation? How about a hug? - Okay!
dr090906 -- Why is Wally wearing a muzzle? - Because he always barks at other dogs and it's embarrassing! - Well, who can blame him? Some of these dogs are pretty ugly! Just look at THAT one! - Is that a dog or a SPACE ALIEN? - Yikes! Look at THAT one!
dr090906 -- Have you ever noticed how some dogs resemble their owners? -
dr090907 -- Now that you have a new barbecue, Ralph, you can throw away the old one! - I was thinking I'd sell it. It's still in pretty good condition! SELL it?? - You're funny! - The only time a man doesn't like to be told he's funny is when his wife
dr090907 -- says it!
dr090908 -- Hello, trash company? I need you to come pick up an old barbecue! - Yeah, I got a new one. It's pretty sweet, too! Three burners, side tables, a warming rack... - You've got a side grill on yours? Very nice! - Guys love to talk about their
dr090908 -- barbecues!
dr090909 -- Norm, I need you to take our old barbecue out of the curb so the trashman can pick it up tomorrow. text text text - text text text OK, Norman? ...Norm? - text text text chirp! - K I hate the 21st century!
dr090910 -- I can't wait to use my new barbecue! - The old barbecue is still here, but where's the new one?? - Norm, take the old barbecue out to the curb so the trashman can pick it up tomorrow! - NORMAN!!!
dr090911 -- Norman, I told you to take the OLD barbecue out to the curb for trash pickup! You took out the NEW one!! - How could you have done that?? I'm sure it was an easy mistake that anyone could have made... - - Especially if it's dark and you're
dr090911 -- texting!
dr090912 -- City Dump Good evening, gentlemen! Hello, again! - My young son here accidentally threw away a brand new barbecue! Mind if we look around and try to find it? - I'm sorry, guys. I haven't seen anything like that around here! - Now, if you'll
dr090912 -- excuse me, I've got to go flip the steaks! - OK well thanks any...WHAT??
dr090913 -- - - - I can't walk through the house without being stared at by a pair of helpless puppy-dog eyes, hoping to be fed soon! - I wish animals could understand that it's not always supper time! - Animals and husbands!
dr090914 -- By the way, Ralph... - I'm sorry I've been so grouchy today. - How about yesterday? - I'm glad you don't work for the State Department.
dr090915 -- The boys' bedroom is a complete mess! - And it's spilling out into the hallway! - Norman! Patrick! Pick up all this stuff and throw it back in your room! - I've given up on their room. Now it's a policy of containment!
dr090916 -- My head tells me to use a 4-iron... - But my gut tells me to use my 5-wood. - I always follow my gut! - That's for sure!
dr090917 -- ...so it's the "Cash For CLUNKERS" program? - Darn! OK, thanks anyway! - I was hoping they said "Cash For Clickers"!
dr090918 -- Hi, neighbor! Steinbauer!! - Are you MOVING?? - No, I'm just throwing away a box of junk! - DANG!! Nice to see you, too!
dr090919 -- Hello? Hi. It's Wendy. - My other plans fell through tonight. - So I guess I can hang out with you after all. OK. - I guess I'm a human "Plan B"!
dr090920 -- shake shake shake - As an involved parent, I always volunteer to help with my son's soccer team! - Today I've been asked to stripe the playing field! - Unfortunately, the can of spray paint ran out. - Thank goodness I had some cheez whiz!
dr090921 -- We're having PANCAKES for dinner?? - No, I said we're having crab cakes! - YEECCCHH!! - For a brief moment, I thought I died and went to heaven! You could end up HALF right!
dr090922 -- Ralph, will you go turn on the dishwasher? I don't know how. - Don't know how?? We've had that dishwasher for 20 years! - All you do is turn the dial, push the button... - And then you have to give it a little bump, like this! That's the part
dr090922 -- I was worried about.
dr090923 -- I've been told I have a very fluid golf swing! - WHACK! - SPLASH! - No comment!
dr090924 -- - Are you just going to stare at that all day? - Yes! I'm so proud that I was able to repair the lamp! - Changing a light bulb is not exactly repairing a lamp!
dr090925 -- You're a pretty kitty, aren't you! I love you so much! - Let's go get some num-nums! kiss kiss kiss - Sometimes I think you like that cat more than me! - Only sometimes? Boy, I'm good!
dr090926 -- Scarf City All-You-can-eat This is a buffet, Ralph... - You can go back for seconds, you know! I intend to!
dr090927 -- shake shake shake - - AH... - AHH... - AAHH... - choo? - Bless you! - It's hard living with someone who always finishes your sentences!
dr090928 -- Here's the garage door opener! Thanks! - How's everything, Mr. Garage Door? All right? - 'S all Right! - I can't understand why "America's Got Talent" passed on my ventriloquist act!
dr090929 -- Have you and mom ever had your credit card stolen? - Yeah, once. That must have been terrible! - What did you do? - Nothing. The thief spends less than your mom!
dr090930 -- Penny, sometimes people say mean things! - Don't let it bother you! Do what I do... - I let it all roll off my back! - Wouldn't it be easier to let it roll off your STOMACH?
dr091001 -- Dad, I felt like I needed more privacy around here... - So I installed this chain lock on my bedroom door! - That's nice, son, but most people put those locks on the Inside! Even I knew that!
dr091002 -- Oh, you two are so cute! - Wait while I get my camera! - OK, act like you're having fun again! Taking the picture is easy. Staging the reenactment takes skill!
dr091003 -- I give up! - This is the hardest crossword puzzle I've ever done! - I thought it would be easy because some of the boxes are already filled in! - Dad, that's a Sudoku puzzle! Oh yeah. My bad!
dr091004 -- Boys, your rooms look great! - I've never seen it look so clean! - I know how hard it is for you to keep your room clean! - And when you do get it clean, it doesn't take long to get it messy again! - Anyway, good job, boys! - Oh, one more
dr091004 -- thing... - You were right, mom. That didn't take long!
dr091005 -- Looking for something, Ralph? Yeah, I've misplaced another pair of glasses! - Sometimes I think I'm losing my mind! If it gets lost, I know where to find it!
dr091006 -- RING! !! !!!! !! ! - Hello? Yeah, she's right here... !!! ! !! - It's Betty! It CAN'T be Betty! That's who I'm talking to! - You lost the connection ten minutes ago!
dr091007 -- Self Serve Ice Cream Choc. Swirl Van. Hmm...two flavors of ice cream! - I can't decide whether to sworl them together, or put them side by side! - SWIRL 'EM!! - The self serve ice cream machine is no place for amateurs!
dr091008 -- - twist twist - AAAAAAHHHH!! - Some day, he'll learn to turn on the shower BEFORE he gets in! We can only hope.
dr091009 -- Here you go! - ...sigh... - Boy, I hate raking! - Well, if you'd pick your clothes up off your bedroom floor once in a while...
dr091010 -- October is the best month of the year! - The worst month is January! How come? - There's nothing fun about January. The weather is bad and the December bills arrive. - January is so crummy, the super bowl moved to February!
dr091011 -- Why are you in THIS lane, dad? - It's the only lane that isn't moving! ...sigh... - Whichever lane I'm in always becomes the slowest lane by virtue of the fact that I'M in it! - Watch... - I'll move over to this lane, and... - Voila! - That's
dr091011 -- amazing! - How did you DO  that?? It's a natural talent. I can also do it at grocery stores, fast food restaurants and ticket windows!
dr091012 -- KNOCK KNOCK - - Aren't you a little early for Halloween? - No, I'm the mobile cat groomer! hiss!!
dr091013 -- Dad, look! I think this twenty dollar bill is counterfeit! How come, Norm? - If you look very, very closely, there are subtle differences! - For example, you know how a real twenty dollar bill has a *20* in each corner? Yeah. - This bill only
dr091013 -- has the *2*! Let's not call the FBI just yet.
dr091014 -- - - SPLISH! - I hate taking eye drops!
dr091015 -- - - - I take it we're going to need another bag of Halloween candy. Never hurts to stock up!
dr091016 -- I heard on the news that people with larger thighs tend to live longer! - You should live forever! - The curse of a quick wit!
dr091017 -- - Ralph, what do you think you're doing? - Just having a little midnight snack, honeybunch! - At four in the afternoon? It's midnight in Europe!
dr091018 -- Barber - Hello, Ralph! - Just a trim today, Ernie! Okey-doke! - snip snip  - snip! - That'll be nine bucks! You know you're getting thin on top when the barber doesn't even bother to have you sit down!
dr091019 -- Hello, Mrs. Baker! I'm Norman, your hospital volunteer! Volunteer? - This week, everyone is being encouraged to become a volunteer-even totally inept people like me! - I've been asked to wheel you into the delivery room, so if you'll just hop
dr091019 -- on the gurney... - This isn't a gurney! It's not? DRABBLE!
dr091020 -- Boy, this elevator is nice and big, isn't it! - OK, let's see...what floor is the delivery room on? - I'll just push all the buttons and hope we get lucky! Here we go! - Whoa! The elevator seems to have stopped! What's up with that?? Of all
dr091020 -- the volunteers in the world, I had to get you!
dr091021 -- Mrs. Baker, I know you're anxious to get to the delivery room, but our elevator seems to be stuck! - I don't think the baby is going to wait!!! - Now what kind of an attitude is that? YOU'RE the parent! YOU decide when junior gets born! -
dr091021 -- Personally, I'd make him wait after Halloween! Hoo! Hoo!
dr091022 -- Have you ever delivered a baby before? I've never even CHANGED a baby before! - Well, since we're stuck in an elevator, you might HAVE to! - Let's remain calm. Everything will be all right. It's all going to be fine. Now, if you'll excuse me
dr091022 -- for a moment... - LET ME OUT OF HERE!!! Did I mention I'm expecting twins?
dr091023 -- PUSH! PUSH! PUSH!!! - SLAP! WAAAAAHH! - I'm sorry I had to slap you, but I'm trying to push the elevator door open as hard as I can! sniff!
dr091024 -- Well, how did your volunteer job go at the hospital, Norman? It was stressful, dad. - I got stuck in an elevator with a woman in labor. What did you do? - I did what any man would do under the circumstances. I passed out. - Fortunately, she
dr091024 -- climbed out the trap's door in the ceiling and summoned help, or I'd have been in there all day! Thanks for volunteering anyway, son!
dr091025 -- - - I think I finally outsmarted your dad! - Every year he finds my place for the Halloween candy, and then eats it all before the trick-or-treaters arrive! - This year, I hid it someplace he hasn't looked in years! Where? - O the bathroom
dr091025 -- scale!
dr091026 -- - - - Here Lies Ralph Drabble. I'm Sure The Cat Had Something To Do With This.
dr091027 -- How about this...when the trick-or-treaters ring the bell... - I'll open the door and go... - BLEAH! - No. I'm just trying to make use of the pumpkin guts!
dr091028 -- You sure waste a lot of time texting! - Not as much as other people do! - I literally spend half the time texting as everyone else I know! - That's because nobody ever answers me!
dr091029 -- I'm home! - Honeybunch, why are you painting the living room?? The trick-or-treaters will be here any minute! - I think I just answered my own question! I want my house to look nice for the neighbors.
dr091030 -- DING DONG - Only 55 days until Christmas! - Good grief! I haven't even started my shopping yet!! - I always know how to scare Mrs. Drabble! Good job! Here's an extra milk dud!
dr091031 -- What's going on? Mr. Drabble is letting us all come in and watch a scary movie! - What's so scary about their wedding video? DON'T DO IT, RALPH!! You're a riot.
dr091101 -- Hey, don't steal my Halloween candy, dad! - I'm not STEALING it, Penny, I'm SAVING you from it! - I'm saving you from a lifetime of cavities and calories! - As your father, it's the least I can do for you! - It's too late for me! I've lived
dr091101 -- MY life! But I can still make a difference in YOURS! - No thanks! Bring it back! I still need to dispose of a king-size peanut butter cup!
dr091102 -- ZZYZX! - Patrick - Patrick - Laser beams?? Too bad I have to resort to such extreme measures to protect my Halloween candy!
dr091103 -- 15...10...5... TOUCHDOWN! - WOO HOO! YES!! - It's bad enough that you two get so excited over a game... - But it was played 25 YEARS AGO!! Some people just don't appreciate the "Classic Games" channel!
dr091104 -- High fly ball into deep right field, she is...GONE!! YEAHH!! I don't understand why you like to watch those "classic" sporting events! - It's silly to get so wrapped up in something when you've already seen it, and know the outcome! -
dr091104 -- Frankly, my dear... ...sob... I could say something...
dr091105 -- I have the keyless remote, and I'm going to press the button... - HONK! - That means the cas is locked! - But I better do it again, just to be sure! One honk is never enough for some people! HONK!
dr091106 -- Directory - You Are Here - - How do they always KNOW??
dr091107 -- Directory You are here - - Directory Now you are here - Wow, modern technology is AMAZING!
dr091108 -- Norm, you were an eyewitness to a theft at the bookstore? That's right, dad. I saw the thief, plain as day! - I need to make a sketch of the subject. Can you describe him? Of course. - He looked like his name was Don. What kind of a
dr091108 -- description is THAT?? - Well, you know how some people look like their names? Yeah. - Well, this guy looked like his name should be DON! ...Sigh... - OK, let's see... - How's that? - No, that looks like a Harold! WILL YOU GET OUT OF HERE!!?
dr091109 -- Honeybunch, your birthday is coming up, so tell me: would you rather go to a nice restaurant... - Or would you rather just cook something special? - beep beep boop - Hi, Carrie! You'll never believe this one! You know you've asked your wife a
dr091109 -- dumb question when, instead of answering it, she calls her friends!
dr091110 -- I can't believe this, honeybunch! You bought low-fat milk, low-fat ice cream... - Low-fat cookies, low-fat potato chips, low-fat peanut butter... - What's NEXT?? - Hopefully, a low-fat husband!
dr091111 -- It's Veterans day! ! - - I said VETERANS day, not Veterinarians day! - That dog is just smart enough to be really stupid!
dr091112 -- I'm hungry. Dinner is coming up! - If it's your broccoli casserole, I'm sure it will be! - WAAH HA HA HA! - I'm on a roll! You're gonna be rolling, all right!
dr091113 -- - - FLASH! - Well, look who raided the fridge last night! I'm pretty sure this is unconstitutional!
dr091114 -- There's an empty chair next to that girl! Watch my smooth moves! - Hello! Mind if I sit down? Not at all! - PHHFFRRPP! - I have vinyl upholstery!
dr091115 -- I DON'T EVER WANT TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL AGAIN!! - Penny, stop being so theatrical! - THEATRICAL? I'm not being THEATRICAL!! - I'M NOT! I'M NOT! I'M NOT!! - - - - I'm NOT being theatrical!! Why did she leave and come back? Intermission.
dr091116 -- How about a kiss, Ralph? What?? - Give me a kiss! Really?? OK! - SMOOCH! - I KNEW it! YOU'RE the one who's been eating all my M&M's! I can taste them on your breath!! Dang.
dr091117 -- My friend Kathy is under the weather. - She lost her voice! She hasn't said a word for two days! Can you imagine? - Maybe you should pay her a visit! Good idea! - Try to shake hands with her a lot!
dr091118 -- - Oh, hi, honeybunch! - I was just about to do a little "pec-check"! - I thought you were about to admire your tire!
dr091119 -- What subject are you studying, Norm? - Politics. - That will be useful in life! - Especially if your kids play in little league!
dr091120 -- - - I hat it when I finish my magazine and I'm still not sleepy! - Me too! So, what would you like to talk about?
dr091121 -- I'm home! - - Relax, Wally! Don't overdo it! - Nobody understands dog sarcasm.
dr091122 -- Chicken...liver...lamb...beef... - What flavor of dog food do you think Wally would like? - Who cares? What do you mean, WHO CARES??! - If he doesn't like it, he might not eat it!! - Honeybunch, Wally is a dog! He likes anything! - Find
dr091122 -- something that tastes like my sweat socks! He REALLY likes those!
dr091123 -- No-Neck! Howdy, Ralph! - Here for dinner? No, I'm a buffet cop! - Buffet cop?? I watch for cheaters! - NO LEAPFROGGING! GET BACK IN LINE!!
dr091124 -- You're a BUFFET COP, No.Neck? That's right, Ralph! - There's something about a buffet that makes normally nice people become unruly! - It's a phenomenon known as "buffet rage." Excuse me... - SALAD TONGS ARE NOT WEAPONS, PEOPLE!!
dr091125 -- Well, well, well! Looky what we have here! What is it, No-Neck? - You filled your WATER glass with SODA! That's a serious buffet violation! - I must have pressed the wrong button! I THOUGHT this water looked a little bubbly and orangy! - Too
dr091125 -- bad! I have to add it to your tab! It sure TASTES watery!
dr091126 -- TWEET! - A FLAG ON THE PLAY! 15-YARD PENALTY!! - You were fishing all the chicken out of the chicken noodle soup! That's a buffet violation! - A 15-yard penalty?? That will put you back at the end of the buffet line, Ralph!
dr091127 -- Bye, No-Neck. Hold it, Ralph! You didn't leave a tip for your busboy! - Busboys work hard to keep your table neat and clean! - Don't be such a cheapskate! - All right, I'll go back and leave a few bucks on the table! - If I can find room!
dr091127 -- It's proper to tip the buffet cop, too!
dr091128 -- So long, No-Neck! NOT SO FAST, RALPH! - Are you attempting to leave this establishment with a MUFFIN? All food must be consumed on the premises! - What else are you trying to abscond with? UP AGAINST THE WALL!! - Well, well! Look who has a
dr091128 -- pocket full of lava cake! I hope you know I intend to fill out a customer satisfaction card!
dr091129 -- - - - - - - - SNARF! - Sorry about the cake, but I'm only human! You could've fooled me!
dr091130 -- So, let me guess... - You got on the scale and saw that you lost a few pounds! If that's not reason to celebrate, I don't know what is!
dr091201 -- Ralph, you bought the wrong paper towels! These are AUTUMN PRINT! See the leaves? - It's December! We need the WINTER PRINT with the snowflakes! - That's the last time I sent you to the store for me! - Mission accomplished!
dr091202 -- I think the correct answer is 578! - ...or maybe it's 12. Dad, will you please help me with my homework? - Oh, yeah. Sure. - Dad helps by not helping!
dr091203 -- I did it!! - I finally finished a daily crossword puzzle! - I feel so smart! What a feeling of accomplishment! - Dad, none of the three stooges was named "Glrph". Close enough!
dr091204 -- Ralph, I have to leave. Please feed Oogie! - Mix some cat food with the leftover chicken, and put three drops of milk on top! - Then put it into the microwave for exactly 4 seconds. No more, no less! - Good luck! Why can't you just find a
dr091204 -- mouse, like all the other cats?
dr091205 -- Ooogie didn't eat the cat food?? Did you follow my instructions? Yes. - Did you add the chicken? Yes. Did you add three drops or milk? Yes. - Did you put it in the microwave for exactly four seconds? Yes. - Did you turn ON the microwave?! Oh,
dr091205 -- crud! If I starve to death, it'll be his fault!
dr091206 -- I wish we could get a whit tree this year! Me too! - Then why DON'T we? You mom wants a green one! - But why can't we get what YOU want? Son, let me explain something... - The key to a successful marriage is compromise. - For example, I like
dr091206 -- to sleep with the window open. Your mother likes to sleep with it closed. So we compromise... - We always sleep with it closed! - Do you get what I'm saying, son? I think you're saying we're not getting a white tree!
dr091207 -- Daddy, what's a "nanosecond"? - It's one-billionth of a second, Penny! - Thanks, Mom! - It's also the length of time it takes my wife to answer a question directed to me!
dr091208 -- STEINBAUER! What are you doing??!! Decorating for Christmas, Ralph! I'm shaping the hedge between our yards to say NOEL! - But from MY side, it says LEON! Who cares?! Don't be such a scrooge! - I never met a man I didn't like, but Steinbauer
dr091208 -- receives honorable mention!
dr091209 -- KNOCK KNOCK! - Cookies! - Look, Ralph! Someone left Christmas cookies on our doorstep and ran away! - Aren't people wonderful this time of year? Don't touch it! It could be a trap!
dr091210 -- Somebody left cookies at our door! Let's have some! - No! We don't know who left them here! They could be tainted! Why would anyone leave us tainted cookies? - As a high-profile law enforcement official, I have enemies! - Dad has a high
dr091210 -- profile?? He certainly has a WIDE profile!
dr091211 -- Someone left cookies on our porch. They could be tainted. - I'll be the guinea pig and eat the first one! - AAACKK!! - Are they tainted?! Inconclusive. I'll have to eat another!
dr091212 -- These cookies aren't tainted, Ralph! Look, there's even a note! - "Enjoy the cookies! We'll be leaving a treat at your door every night until Christmas! -Your secret Santa." - "Secret Santa"?? So, what do you all have to say NOW? - I say we
dr091212 -- hide in the bushes tomorrow night to see who it is! Yeah! We could drop a net over them!
dr091213 -- I love coming to the buffet, honeybunch! - T do too, Ralph. - The only problem is that you tend to overeat! Don't worry... - I've devised a new strategy! - Ad soon as my stomach touches the edge of the table, I'll know it's time to stop
dr091213 -- eating! - CRASH! BREAK! WHAM! SMASH! - I think you should stop now! Sorry. I guess that was one too many chocolate-chip muffins!
dr091214 -- We're so lucky, Penny! Our family has a SECRET SANTA! - Every night until Christmas, someone is going to leave goodies at our front door! - But we mustn't try to see who it is, or it will spoil the fun! Isn't it exciting?! - I'll hide in the
dr091214 -- bushes, you guys hide behind the trash cans! Roger! Some of us might be a little TOO excited!
dr091215 -- What a waste of an evening! - We hid outside to catch our secret Santa, but no one ever showed up! Yes they did! - They left a plate of brownies at our BACK door three hours ago! - Our secret Santa outsmarted us! THIS MEANS WAR!
dr091216 -- Someone is approaching our house, dad! It could be our secret Santa! Roger! - GOTCHA!! - False alarm. It was just Norman getting the mail!
dr091217 -- Our secret Santa is approaching our front door! - WE GOT HIM!!! - STEINBAUER?? Season's greetings to you too, Ralph!
dr091218 -- Steinbauer! YOU'RE our secret Santa??! - YOU'RE the one who's been leaving goodies at my front door every night?? That's right, Ralph! - I thought, what better way to enjoy the holidays than by showing kindness to someone I don't like very
dr091218 -- much! - What's there not to like about ME?? Well, take this net, for example.
dr091219 -- Daddy, when I grow up, I'm going to marry someone just like you! - Really, Penny? That's nice of you to say! - Only he's going to be taller and smarter and a little better looking! - OK, well, that's still nice of you to say! Actually, a lot
dr091219 -- better looking!
dr091220 -- - - - - - - Hey, don't pull the popcorn string out of the Christmas tree! - GIVE ME THAT!! Humans love to play. You've just got to find the right toy!
dr091221 -- The mail arrived! - Oh look! My mother sent a Christmas card to Oogie! - She did WHAT??! Look, Oogie! Isn't it adorable?! - There are three stages of life: youth, middle age , and I-send-Christmas-cards-to-cats!
dr091222 -- Arf arf arf! Arf arf arf! Arf arf arf! Arf arf! - SLAM! - I told you we should've sung "silent night". Not everyone enjoys the barking version of "Jingle Bells"!
dr091223 -- You kids did a fine job of decorating the tree this year! - Bob makes an excellent tree-topper! I should have migrated when I had the chance!
dr091224 -- Come on, Norm! It's your turn! - Hurry up! - Look! A see a red light in the sky! It must be Rudolph! Aren't we getting a little old for this? Yes, but your dad isn't!
dr091225 -- Thanks for all the gifts, mom and dad! I can't believe how much we got! - When's easter?
dr091226 -- Dear Mr. Claus, - It has come to my attention that you left one less item in my stocking than you left for my brothers. - I'm sure it was just an oversight and that you will want to rectify it a.s.a.p - Penny, I'm so proud of you for writing
dr091226 -- your thank-you notes early! A pair of socks does not count as two items.
dr091227 -- - I hate these plastic bags! - WHIFF-IFF-IFF - I can never pull them apart! - RIP! - And then I can never get them open! - RIP! tear! tear! shred! shred! RIP! - I'll bet that's why most people don't eat enough fruits and vegetables!
dr091228 -- Dear aunt Wanda, thank your for the nutcracker. - When we told you we like nutcrackers many years ago, we never expected that you'd give us one every year! - We now have more nutcrackers than we have NUTS to CRACK! I'm SICK of them!!! - On
dr091228 -- second thought, I'll write the thank you notes. I was just getting warmed up!
dr091229 -- I'm writing a thank you notice to Bruce and Pat! - Five pages?? That's not a note, that's a term paper! - Isn't that a little bit long for a thank you notice? - Of course, I'm talking to someone who leaves 20-minute messages on answering
dr091229 -- machines!
dr091230 -- Good boy, Ralph! - This ice cream has been here for a week, and you haven't touched it! - Congratulation on your self-control! - Actually, I've replaced it five minutes!
dr091231 -- Are you making any new year resolutions, Wally? - I'm going to quit barking my head off every time I hear a knock at the door! - I resolve to become less superstitious. - ...knock on wood! Arf! Arf! Arf! ARF! Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf! ARF!
dr100101 -- It's a cold, windy day for a parade! - Hurry! Tie the rope around his leg!! I am not a runaway balloon!
dr100102 -- OH, for heaven's sake! - We have a new television, but I'm afraid to turn it on! - It seems like there's always something violent and bloody on every channel! - May that's why they're called plasma TVs!
dr100103 -- What did you lose now, son? - I can't find my library card! - Oh, for Pete's sake, Norm! You need to become more responsible! - You're getting to big for this! - You're always losing things! It shows a lack of focus! - Take CARE of your
dr100103 -- things! Remember, there's a place for everything, so keep everything in its... - By the way, I found your car keys in the refrigerator! - Sometimes I'm glad that my kids tend to ignore me!
dr100104 -- Dad, I got into a little fender bender. - But I have a good excuse! - I was texting. Why is that a good excuse? - It's hard to do two things at once! My son, the crash-text dummy!
dr100105 -- My new year's resolution was to stop barking my head off whenever someone knocks on the door! - How's it going? - So far, so good. - Nobody's knocked on the door!
dr100106 -- Gulp! - crick! - RATTA-TATTA-TAT - It's always a little painful to get the December credit card bills!
dr100107 -- There's nothing like putting on a warm pair of sweatpants! - As soon as they cool off, I like to throw them into the dryer and heat them back up! - That's fine when you're at HOME! Ahhhh! LAUNDROMAT
dr100108 -- I got a 99 on my exam, dad! Good for you, Patrick! - Did YOU ever get a 99 on an exam? - Sure! Many times! - Having your temperature taken is not an exam. Then no.
dr100109 -- Norm! I thought I told you to take out the trash! - Don't worry, dad. I'm all over it! - The only thing he's ever been all over is the furniture!
dr100110 -- Dad, I've been doing a lot of thinking... - So I'm going to lie down for a while! That's my boy!
dr100111 -- Ralph! Come quick!! What's wrong? - Oogie is stuck in a tree! - She can't get down! She can't come inside! - Aren't you going to DO something?! I was considering a cartwheel!
dr100112 -- I know how to rescue Oogie! I'll call 911! Don't do that, honeybunch! - Why not? If we don't, we might never see Oogie again! - Honeybunch, the paramedics are too busy helping injured people! They don't have time to rescue a dumb cat! -
dr100112 -- Besides, why mess with a good thing?  Maybe when they come here to help YOU, they'll rescue Oogie, too!
dr100113 -- How will we get Oogie down from that tree, mom? - I have an idea: Oogie always comes running when I turn on the can opener! - WHIRRRRRR - My mistake. It's your father who always comes running! What are we having??
dr100114 -- Honeybunch! What are you DOING?? If YOU won't rescue Oogie, *I* will! - OK, OK...I'll get the stupid cat out of the tree! - Dad, I insist you be careful! Hold on tight and don't fall! - But let me get the video camera just in case!
dr100115 -- Almost there... - The ladder is bending! - SNAP! - Hisss! What a cheap ladder! I'll be taking it back to the store!
dr100116 -- I can't believe our ladder broke in half! What poor quality! - Don't worry, Ralph! I'm going to take it back to the hardware store and make them replace it! - I'll wait here. bat bat Keep Oogie company!
dr100117 -- Supermarket Honeybunch, I think I'll buy these new diet pills I've seen advertised on TV! - Careful, Ralph. Always check the label first for any possible side effects! - Sometimes the side effects are worse than the problem! - "Side effects
dr100117 -- may include irritability, hairloss, watery eyes..." - "insomnia, muscle ache, join pain, gas, bloating, lethargy, thirst..." - !itchy skin, nausea, excessive sweating, dizziness, blurred vision, drowsiness, and feelings of inadequacy and
dr100117 -- helplessness." - Perfect! I've already got all those things, anyway!
dr100118 -- Why are you sitting in a tree, Ralph? - If you must know, Steinbauer, I climbed up to rescue our dumb cat, and the ladder broke! - That's too bad! Would you like to borrow *MY* ladder? Yes! I'd LOVE to! - Well, you never returned my socket
dr100118 -- wrench, so tough tacos! What a guy! Hiss!
dr100119 -- What luck. I climb up here to rescue our stupid cat, and the ladder breaks! - Now I can only sit here and wait for my wife to get another one! pick pick purrrrrr - What could be worse than being stuck in a tree with only a cat? Tweet! I had
dr100119 -- to ask! Grrrr!
dr100120 -- SWIPE! - Good news, dad! Mom took the broken ladder back to the store and they replaced it! She's on her way home! - Tell her to step on it!! This cat is obnoxious! I have to get done from this tree before I go insane!!! - She says it's too
dr100120 -- late for that! My wife puts "art" in SMART ALECK!
dr100121 -- Dad, I have an idea! - I'm throwing a rope over the branch above you... - OK! Are you ready? FOR WHAT? - Actually, I'm not exactly sure yet! The five words that frighten me the most: "Dad, I have an idea!"
dr100122 -- Put Oogie in the kitty carrier, ad I'll lower her down! - Kitty carrier?? Isn't that the box we use to take Oogie to the vet? - WAIT! DON'T LET HER SEE THAT BOX OR SHE'LL GO... - RIP! SHRED! CLAW! SCRATCH TEAR! SLASH! - Ballistic.
dr100123 -- I'm back with the ladder! - Hey! You're out of the tree! When it started snowing, the additional weight caused our branch to break! - Fortunately, Norman had time to shovel a giant snow pillow beneath me to cushion my fall. Was I really gone
dr100123 -- that LONG? - I almost fell bad that I stopped to get my nails done!
dr100124 -- RING! Hello! Drabble Residence! Patrick speaking! - ...Norman? No, he can't talk right now! - His tongue is caught in an ice cream scooter! AN EXTHPLANATION ITH NOT NETHETHARY!
dr100125 -- ...oh, that's too bad. I'm sorry to hear that they're not getting along. - Ralph and I have a rule in our marriage... - We never go to sleep angry! - Isn't that right, Ralph? Wha...?
dr100126 -- RRIPP! YEEOOWW!! Thanks, guys! - OK, but the next time you get a lint roller stuck on your hairy back, don't call 911! I thought he was wearing an Alpaca sweater!
dr100127 -- Turn left at Ernie's Donuts. - Turn right at Jose's Pizza, and left at Pancake Palace. - Make a legal u-turn at Fred's Frozen Yogurt. Then veer left at Tiny's Tacos. - You have an interesting GPS! Slow down! There's the pancake house! It gets
dr100127 -- me where I want to go!
dr100128 -- KNOCK KNOCK - BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK!! - Relay, Wally! We've never had an evil intruder knock on our door! - I must be doing a good job!
dr100129 -- Let's see what my fortune cookie says... - A partner's hip will prove to be exciting. - - Oh, my mistake... "A PARTNERSHIP..."
dr100130 -- You should enjoy these years, mom. - Before you know it, I'll be all grown up!
dr100131 -- Norman, you dress like a nobody! You need to sell yourself a little better! - What do you mean, dad? Well, take this for example...what am I holding? - An apple? Wrong! - It's a RED DELICIOUS apple! It says so at the store! - Notice how they
dr100131 -- didn't call it a RED SO-SO apple, or a RED FAIRLY TASTY apple! It's a RED DELICIOUS apple! - Do you understand what I'm saying, Norm? - No. ...Sigh... - In a world of red delicious apples, my son is a kumquat!
dr100201 -- I don't understand it... - My mother looks bad in every one of these photos! - And what don't you understand about it, exactly? - Wives: They want you to communicate, then they don't want you to communicate!
dr100202 -- - - - I don't see any warpath, dad!
dr100203 -- Norm, some people are "Type A" personalities. They are driven to succeed! text text - Other people have "Type B" personalities. They are slightly less ambitious! - What type of personality am I, dad? It's hard to say, Norm. - The alphabet
dr100203 -- only goes down to *Z*! text text
dr100204 -- Don't take this the wrong way, Ralph... - I know how defensive you get whenever I offer a little constructive criticism. - So don't get all bent out of shape and act like a baby like you always do, all right? - We haven't even gotten to the
dr100204 -- CRITICISM yet!
dr100205 -- - - - Why, exactly, DO you watch these medical shows? The surgical procedures are fascinating!
dr100206 -- Kendall's dad works for a sporting goods company. He always brings his kids cool stuff from work! - Did you bring ME anything home from work, dad? - Patrick, I'm a security guard at a retirement village! - ...Sigh... - Here! I found a set of
dr100206 -- false teeth!
dr100207 -- ...and that concludes the first half! - - SLAM! - - SLAM! - - SLAM! - During the super bowl, we don't play musical chairs, we play musical bathrooms!
dr100208 -- ZZYZX! - Hey, Wally! Wanna play ball? - Wiener dogs: if you've seen one, you've seen 'em all! It sure seems that way sometimes!
dr100209 -- My skin is looking old and wrinkly! - - - No, it isn't! That was MUCH too late!!
dr100210 -- How does the mall directory always know where I'm standing?? - Oh, wait...I get it! - Sorry! I guess that was one of my dumber questions! - Actually, that's not even CLOSE to being one of your dumber questions!
dr100211 -- I'm feeling a little light-headed! - That's understandable. - - There's not much in there to weigh it down! I GOT IT ALREADY!
dr100212 -- - pat pat pat pat - Does this look like a pancreas to you? Close enough. When Patrick builds a snowman, he goes a little overboard.
dr100213 -- Happy Valentine's Day, Honeybunch! - Marrying you was the best decision you ever made for me. - That's probably not good, either! In the long run, dad, BUYING a card might be less expensive!
dr100214 -- Patrick! Look at this highschool picture of dad! - That's DAD??? - Wow! You were really in shape back then, dad! - You better believe it, boys! - In my younger days, I was a chick magnet! - Now he's a refrigerator magnet!
dr100215 -- Here's a box of valentine candy, Norman! Foe ME?? Thank you, Wendy! - I had an extra one and I couldn't find anyone else to give it to. How thoughtful! - The mailman is on a diet, the guy in the toll booth is allergic... I'm touched! - Hey,
dr100215 -- maybe my insurance agent would like it! Thank you for thinking of me momentarily!
dr100216 -- Who is Babe Ruth?!! - Sorry, honeybunch! I know it's rude to blurt out answers while watching "Jeopardy." - That's OK, Ralph. - You're never right, anyway! The correct answer is: "Who is Ghandi?" Dang!
dr100217 -- An empty ice cream carton?? - Ralph, did you forget about your diet?? You're not supposed to eat ice cream!! - I didn't eat it, honeybunch! That's true, Mom! - He put it in the microwave and drank it!
dr100218 -- Here's the mail, honeybunch! Is that all? - Yes. I threw away all the junk mail! - If you threw away all the junk mail, how come you didn't throw away this ad inviting me to join a weight-loss program? - Do you think I'm fat? This would be a
dr100218 -- good time to fake an appendix attack!
dr100219 -- Ralph, you said you threw away all the junk mail... - But you DIDN'T throw away this ad inviting me to join a weight-loss program. - I'll ask you one more time: do you think I'm fat? - Uhhh... The correct answer to that does not begin with
dr100219 -- "uhhh"!
dr100220 -- Ralph, I'm going to ask you only one more time... - Why did you give me this ad for a weight-loss program?? Honeybunch, I can explain. - HONK! HONK! HONK! Whoa! Our car is honking! I'll go investigate!! - Now I know why they put the red
dr100220 -- button on the keyless remote!
dr100221 -- Hang on a second, Meg! Ralph is leaving for work! Bye, Ralph. Bye, honeybunch! - Hold on, he's back! Sorry! I forgot my wallet! - He always forgets something! Bye! - Oh, my gosh! He's back again! Forgot my cell phone! Sorry! - He is SO
dr100221 -- middle-aged! Bye! - OH, FOR CRYIN' OUT LOUD! Forgot my lunch! - - Something wrong, dad? I'll give you a dollar to go inside and get my car keys!
dr100222 -- The kids are all gone, Ralph! Huh?? - Norm is at the movies, Patrick is at a birthday party, and Penny is at grandma's! - Do you know what that means? We have the house to ourselves! - I think it also means I'm not going to get to watch
dr100222 -- wrestling tonight! We can play a board game or take a walk or watch a chick flick or...
dr100223 -- Since it's just two of us tonight, Ralph, let's play a game like Parcheesi! PARCHEESI?! - How about if we just watch a little TV? OK! Let's see what's on! - Oh, I love this interior design show! And there's  a love story on the classic movie
dr100223 -- channel! - Parcheesi it is! Oh, the bachelor show is on!!
dr100224 -- We have the house all to ourselves, Ralph! Just you and me! Isn't this fun?!! - I'm having the time of my life. I win again!!
dr100225 -- Isn't it fun having the house all to ourselves, Ralph? Let's play charades! Oh no... - DING DONG Someone's at the door! I'll get it!! - Steinbauer!! How the heck are you? Thanks for dropping in!! - Actually, I'm just here to complain about
dr100225 -- your dog. Whatever! Come on in and sit a spell!
dr100226 -- Hasn't this been a fun evening, Ralph? Games, movies, conversation... - This is what it will be like when our kids grow up! Just the two of us together every night! - We're home! - DON'T EVER GROW UP!!
dr100227 -- clip clip clip Ralph, for heaven's sake! - Are you trimming your toenails while you're eating dinner?? - I prefer to think of it as multitasking!
dr100228 -- ...Sigh... Do you have a box or something? Maybe you should empty your pockets BEFORE you bring your clothes to the cleaners!
dr100301 -- Welcome to Wobbly Heights Retirement Village! - I'll be glad when the repairman gets here!
dr100302 -- Before I head for home, I'd better listen to the traffic report! - All freeways are clear, except for the Harbor Freeway, which is jammed! That's good to know! - Honeybunch said if I'm late, she's going to the opera without me. - The Harbour
dr100302 -- Freeway, it is!
dr100303 -- Every time you go to the store, you sure buy a lot of stuff! - Do we really NEED all of those things? - you have to distinguish between WANTS and NEEDS! - Take this ice pack, for example... Oh, you're going to need it, all right!
dr100304 -- - - ...Sigh... - I always know how to get my kids off the computer!
dr100305 -- Happy birthday, honeybunch! - I must say, you look much younger than you really are! - Thank you, Ralph! - I must say it, or else!
dr100306 -- When I was a kid, my favorite show was "Gilligan's Island." - I always wondered why they had so many clothes, when they were only on a three-hour tour. - I think I finally figured it out. - Your mom must have packed for them! I hope I haven't
dr100306 -- forgotten anything! We're going to be gone overnight!
dr100307 -- text texty text text! - Pssst! Stop that! - It's not polite to send text messages in church! - It's disrespectful! - What would your mother say if she looked over here and saw you doing that?? Why, she'd probably... - Never mind! text text
dr100307 -- text!
dr100308 -- Well, it's the start of another little league baseball season... - A time when a big career is the dream of every child. - ...and quite a few of their parents! Swing level, keep your eye on the ball, and remember that the average major
dr100308 -- league salary is over $3 million!
dr100309 -- Patrick, if you're going to be a baseball player, you'll need all the proper accessories! - First, you'll need to get some of this black stuff to put on your cheeks! - What for? So the glare doesn't get in your eyes and cause you to drop the
dr100309 -- ball! - But if I DON'T use it, at least I'll have an EXCUSE for dropping the ball! Good point. Let me think about that...
dr100310 -- Come on, Patrick! Get it over the plate! - I think you're being unrealistic, dad! I just can't do it! - Keep trying! Do you know how much money a left-handed pitcher can make??! - I KEEP TELLING YOU, I'M NOT LEFT-HANDED!! That's why you need
dr100310 -- to keep practicing!
dr100311 -- Here's another great thing about little league season... - It gives us the opportunity to get to know other parents! - People we might not otherwise have gotten the chance to know! - Like that windbag down the street, or the raving lunatic
dr100311 -- around the corner, or the dirty rotten cheater across town...
dr100312 -- I know we can improve your little league team, Patrick... - Make a trade for that kid named Longville! He's really good! - His dad's the coach of his team! What kind of dad would trade away his own son?? - I did, once. And I've never forgiven
dr100312 -- you!
dr100313 -- STRIKE THREE?? - THAT PITCH WAS A MILE OUTSIDE, UMP!!! - YOU NEED GLASSES, YOU... I'm back from the snack bar! - Phffmmf! There's a reason baseball and hot dogs go together!
dr100314 -- Let's go! We're going to be late! It's almost nine o'clock! - Really? It doesn't seem it's nine o'clock! That's because I set our clocks ahead one hour last night! - You did?? I set them ahead an hour, too! - I couldn't remember if we were
dr100314 -- supposed to move our clocks UP an hour or BACK an hour, so I moved some of them up and some of them back. - I couldn't remember, either, so I just set them all ahead twenty minutes! - I hate it when daylight-saving time begins! Don't worry.
dr100314 -- We usually get it all straightened out by mid-april! I hope it's still Sunday!
dr100315 -- OK, I picked up the dry cleaning! - Let's go! I'm in a hurry! Sorry, dad. We can't leave yet. - Why not? Because I parked in a space that said "30 minute parking only". - We've only been here four and a half minutes! WILL YOU START THE CAR!!
dr100316 -- HALT! WRONG WAY! - This is an EXIT! If you try to enter on this side, you'll receive severe tire damage! - I don't see anything that could cause tire damage! Suit yourself! - KA-BLAM!
dr100317 -- Honeybunch, in honor of St. Patty's Day, let's have some IRISH for dinner! - OK! How about corned beef and cabbage? No, not that! - I mean TRADITIONAL Irish food! - You know, like McNuggets, McRibs, Sausage Mc Griddles...
dr100318 -- What's on the TV, Norm? - Nothing. - Then why are you staring at it? - What's in the refrigerator, dad? Nothing.
dr100319 -- Ralph, it's ridiculous that you spend so much time standing in front of the refrigerator, just staring inside! - You know, she's right! -
dr100320 -- I think I'm losing my mind! - Has anyone seen my glasses? I can't find my glasses!! - You're not losing your mind. They're right on top of your head! - Those aren't mine! OK, maybe he IS losing his mind!
dr100321 -- Sorry, honeybunch, but I just can't take you to see that new chick flick! Why not? - I don't have the stomach for it! - - - - - - You've got the stomach for ANYTHING!! I knew she'd never be able to make it through the day!
dr100322 -- Say what you want... - I've heard all the arguments... - If that's not evidence of global warming, I don't know what is!
dr100323 -- What's new, No-Neck? - My doctor says I need to slim down. - But, instead of going on a diet, I've decided to just hang around people who are more out of shape than I am! - So, where are we going now? WILL YOU LEAVE ME ALONE?!!
dr100324 -- I may not be perfect. - But at least I can say one thing... - I'm a self-made man! - You should've asked for some help!
dr100325 -- I'm home! - Aaaaahhhh! sniff sniff! - There's nothing like the aroma of freshly baked cookies! - Unless it's "Freshly Baked Cookies" scented air freshener!
dr100326 -- You men do such a fine job of guarding our community! Have a cup-cake! - Thanks, Mrs. Alabaster! No thank you! - Trying to loose weight, Ralph? Not really... - At this point, it's more of a matter of damage control!
dr100327 -- After a hard day at work, it's nice to be greeted at the front door by our faithful dog! - I'm home! - And your point is...? Being greeted by the cat is not quite the same!
dr100328 -- I'm gonna throw the ball, Wally! - Go get it! - Hee hee! - ? - - It's fun to fake out a dog! - Well?! Why are you just standing around?? You acted like you needed to go for a walk outside! I'm getting drenched! It's fun to fake out people,
dr100328 -- too!
dr100329 -- I'll have a cheeseburger, hold the onions, please! - Onions give me bad breath! - You already have bad breath! - OK, then DON'T hold the onions!
dr100330 -- Mustard on your french fries?? What a loser! - Did she just call you a LOSER? - I thought she called me a LUGER, which I didn't understand because I've never done the luge! - "Loser" makes much more sense!
dr100331 -- I can't believe you just called him a loser! - It's OK. He likes it. No I don't! - Well, I guess "loser" IS a little harsh! - From now on, I'll just call you a pathetic dimwit. Thanks for your help!
dr100401 -- Excuse me...why are you so rude with him? - Yeah, why ARE you so rude to me? He doesn't deserve that! He's a nice guy! - I AM a nice guy! He's reasonably intelligent! - My GPA is 2.6! YOU KEEP OUT OF THIS!
dr100402 -- You're very rude to him! I am not! - You should appreciate him! Mind your own business! - You ought to be ashamed of yourself! Oh, I get a life! - ARE YOU GOING TO LET HER SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT??
dr100403 -- Fine! I'm leaving! Good riddance! He deserves to be with someone who appreciates him! - Thank you for sticking up for me! No problem. - Say, would you like to hang out with me sometime? Hmmm...let me think about that... - No. I hate it when
dr100403 -- they think about it!
dr100404 -- - - - - - Oh, hi, Wally! I almost forgot about you! - You're overdue for booster shots! I'll go call the vet! - This is why dogs get into the garbage and drag it all over the house!
dr100405 -- I need to get in shape. I'd go jogging, but it's so boring! - A lot of people jog with cell phones or iPods... - Take something with you that makes it more enjoyable! Good idea! - Mini Donuts
dr100406 -- Dad, you're a gate guard at a retirement village, right? Right. - How come a gate guard's hat is shaped like this? Believe me, there's a very good reason! - WHAM!
dr100407 -- - - - Thanks for helping me clean up after my book club meeting! Always a pleasure!
dr100408 -- RING! RING! RING! - HOW COME NO ONE EVER ANSWERS THE PHONE AROUND HERE?? - All our friends call us on our cell phones, dad! - The only people who call on the house phone are people we probably don't want to talk to! Good point!
dr100409 -- - This is painful! Maybe I should stretch before I jog! - OW!! - Apparently, I need to stretch before I stretch!
dr100410 -- Gadzooks! - RIP SHRED TEAR - There's a humongous springtime blowout sale at the fabric store! - When will I stop believing letters that say "Urgent! Open immediately!"??
dr100411 -- DING DONG! - wheeeee - wheeeee - chirp chirp! pick claw scratch shred - click! whirrrrrrr! - wheeeeeee... - - Mobile Cat Groomer Frisky cats like Oogie require special precautions! No wonder the groomer charges so much!
dr100412 -- Bob! Long time, no see! Where have you been? - On my annual migration to Rio de Janeiro! - Although, I may have gone the wrong direction again. - This time I ended up at a Brazilian restaurant in Utah! You're the only duck in the world who
dr100412 -- needs a GPS!
dr100413 -- Patrick is coming up to bat! - Every time my son comes to bat, I go stand in my lucky spot! - STRIKE THREE!! - I'm running out of lucky spots!
dr100414 -- Paper or plastic? - Neither. - I'm wearing my cargo pants!
dr100415 -- Norman, slow down! You're eating too fast! - Patrick and Penny eat fast, too... - Why do all of my children eat so fast?? - HEY! MY FRIES ARE GONE!! Oh, yeah, huh!
dr100416 -- Hey, the garbage pail is full! There's no room for my trash! - Perhaps you should do something about that, son! - I guess I'll have to! - There! I took out the bulky stuff!
dr100417 -- I've been having a lot of self-doubt, lately. - On second thought, maybe I haven't!
dr100418 -- You know, Ralph, sometimes in the quiet, early morning hours, I think about our kids... - And I marvel at how well they're turning out! - I can't believe how nice they all are! - I think about how much joy they bring to our lives... - And I
dr100418 -- think about how lucky we are! - But then they wake up! YOU are No, YOU are! Stop it! He used my toothbrush! Don't push! MOM!! That's mine! Stop touching me! OW!!
dr000419 -- The car is packed! We're ready to leave on our trip to visit grandma! - Good heavens! I forgot about our pets! What about them? - We'll be gone of a week! Who will feed them? - They know where the garbage cans are! They'll be fine! Maybe
dr000419 -- we'll take them with us! I'm OK with the garbage!
dr000420 -- As soon as our petsitter arrives, we can leave on our vacation! Petsitter?? - I hired someone to care for our pets! DING DONG! There he is now! - STEINBAUER?? Have a nice trip, Ralph! - Show me where you keep the cat food, and the remote
dr000420 -- control for your new big-screen TV!
dr000421 -- Hello? ...oh, hi, Steinbauer! How's everything at home? - Fine, Ralph! I just called to tell you that your easy chair is quite comfy! - That's MY chair!! No one's allowed to sit in that chair but ME!! - Oh, boy! And there are lots of loose
dr000421 -- M&M's in the cushions! THOSE ARE MINE, TOO!!
dr000422 -- Hey, Ralph, your dog wasn't eating his dog food, so I fed him the steak that was in the freezer! You WHAT??!!! - Steinbauer, that was top sirloin!! I was saving it for the weekend!! Oops! - Did you give him ALL of it?? No, just a little! - I
dr000422 -- ate the rest! GAAAHH!
dr000423 -- Listen , Steinbauer, I know we hired you to be a pet sitter... - But I think you're spending too much time at our house! I don't appreciate you helping yourself to all my stuff! - Relax, Ralph! I'm not even at your house right now! I'm
dr000423 -- playing golf! - By the way, do you have any extra balls in your golf bag? I keep hitting them in the lake!
dr000424 -- Hey, Ralph, how come you buy this low-fat ice cream? It's not as good! - YOU'RE EATING ALL MY ICE CREAM?? - No, I'm sharing it with your dig! - Wally and I have been bonding! Your TEETH are going to need some bonding!
dr000425 -- Oops! - Look, Wally! A potato chip! Come and get it! - It's all yours! Go for it! sniff sniff sniff - You don't want it?? - That means I have to bend down and pick it up, you dumb dog! - Aaaaarrggh! - Uh-oh! - That dumb dog isn't so dumb, is
dr000425 -- he?
dr000426 -- Hi, Wally!! I'm back from vacation!! - Yawn! Aren't you glad to see me? - Good bye, Wally! I have to go! All good things must come to an end! kiss kiss  - Thanks for petsitting, Steinbauer. Good luck getting him to stay off the furniture from
dr000426 -- now on!
dr100427 -- Dad, if you insist on wearing those old sweatpants... - Would you kindly sit with your legs crossed? It's cooler this way!
dr100428 -- What are you doing, Penny? - I'm working on my thumb speed! Huh?? - I need to be able to text faster so I won't get in trouble at school! - Perhaps you just shouldn't text in school! Or I could just work on my thumb speed!
dr100429 -- Shame on you, Ralph... - I told you to start watching what you eat! - What happened? - My eyes got tired!
dr100430 -- I hate it when they play 911 calls on the news! - It's an invasion of privacy. People are calling in a state of panic or grief! - It's just not right! - Help! This is Norman Drabble! I'm head's stuck in a mailbox! Besides, That doesn't even
dr100430 -- sound like me!
dr100501 -- - - Ah-ha! Here's another reason newspapers are superior to the Internet... - You can't copy the comics onto silly putty!
dr100502 -- Honeybunch good was dinner! ? - Tired I'm! Huh?? - Tonight early sack the hit to going I'm think I! What?? - Morning tomorrow golf play to going I'm! - Ralph, why are you saying everything backward? - It's the only way I can ever... Finish a
dr100502 -- sentence around here?
dr100503 -- See you tomorrow, Mr. Drabble! - Thank you! - Thanks, Mr. Drabble! - What happened, Ralph? I've developed "Fast-Food Elbow"!
dr100504 -- - - - Wendy and I have mastered the art of nonverbal communication!
dr100505 -- chirp! Hey! I got a text from Brtny! - She said she was thinking of me and wanted to say hello! - Brtny loves to text! Sometimes I think she's more comfortable texting than talking! - chirp! Now why do you say that? Well, it's true!
dr100506 -- I like u, Norm! text text text Really?? What do u like about me? text text - I like how you can't keep your shoes tied...I like how your hair is always a mess.. - I like how you always smell like peanut butter...I like that dumb look on your
dr100506 -- face... text text text - I could go on and on... text text text That's OK. text text text
dr100507 -- Maybe we should hang out together sometime, Nrmn! text text text - When? text text text How about tonight? text text - K! What time? text text Pick me up in 2 hours. text text text - That will give me time to recharge my cell phone! text text
dr100508 -- I had a nice time, Nrmn! text text text - Me 2, Brtny! text text - Let's do it again sometime. Bye! - xoxo WOW!!
dr100509 -- Lather, rinse, repeat...lather, rinse, repeat...lather, rinse, repeat...lather, rinse, repeat... I think I just figured out why Norman's hair is always so shiny! ...and why we always run out of water!
dr100510 -- ...17 minutes, 31 seconds...17 minutes, 32 seconds... - I'M NEVER GOING TO MAKE IT!! - What's wrong with dad? He's having a physical tomorrow morning. - The doctor told him to FAST for 12 hours! Why do they call it a "fast" when the time goes
dr100510 -- so slow?!
dr100511 -- This is ridiculous! I can't go 12 hours without food or drink! - Dad, I know it seems hard, but it's important to follow the doctor's orders! - You can do it, dad! I'll help you every step of the way! - It'll be a piece of cake! CAKE?!!!
dr100512 -- Dad, a blood test is an important part of a physical exam... - That's why the doctor asked you to fast for 12 hours. - If you've been eating before the exam, it could affect the results. - That could explain why last time they said your
dr100512 -- blood type was "Oreo-positive"!
dr100513 -- The doctor says dad has to fast for 12 hours before his physical exam! You can do it, dad! - It's probably my imagination, but I already feel a little thinner! - Just think how you'll look in ANOTHER two hours! I think I need a new belt!
dr100514 -- I don't care what the doctor says! I can't fast anymore! - A little midnight snack won't hurt! No one will ever know! - Let's see what's in the pantry! - AH HA!!
dr100515 -- I did it!! I fasted for 12 hours, like the doctor said! I'm off to my physical! - Ralph, the doctor called. He had to reschedule your appointment for tomorrow! - That means you'll have to start fasting again tonight! - In that case, I'd
dr100515 -- better have a substantial breakfast!
dr100516 -- Hi! I'm calling to tell you that Timmy just got a great hit! - It was incredible! You wouldn't believe it!! - HE CLOBBERED it! He nearly tore the COVER off the ball!! - Timmy hit a ROCKET that they had NO CHANCE to catch! It was AWESOME!!
dr100516 -- Everyone went WILD!! - TIMMY POPPED IT UP AND THE INFIELDER COULDN'T CATCH IT BECAUSE THE SUN WAS IN HIS EYES AND HE WAS CRYING!! - Baseball parents have never been known for their journalistic integrity! Ignore him. That's the pitcher's dad!
dr100517 -- Welcome To Wobbly Heights Retirement Village STOP - All Laws Strictly Enforced. -
dr100518 -- Good morning, Mrs. Alabaster! - This is for you! Why, thank you, officer Drabble. - I'm sorry it's late! - Do you know how hard it is to find a belated 100th birthday card?
dr100519 -- You need some exercise, Ralph! - What are you talking about?! - I'm getting plenty of exercise! - My head's spinning, my heart's racing and my stomach's churning!
dr100520 -- Honeybunch, I have a stupid question... - There's no such thing as a stupid question, Ralph! - Are these MY sweatpants or yours? - There my be no stupid questions, but there are certainly ill-advised ones!
dr100521 -- Here's my report card, dad! - ...Sigh... - Just remember, times have changed. - A "D-Plus" is the new "B-Minus"!
dr100522 -- WALLY! HERE, BOY! - - Here, kitty, kitty, kitty! - The best way to get the dog to come here is to call the cat! !
dr100523 -- CLOSED?? - I don't get it! It doesn't make sense! - How could a donut shop that had YOU for a customer, ever go out of BUSINESS??!! According to the sign, the owner retired to the French Riviera!
dr100524 -- GAS - For all the money they charge us for gasoline... - You'd think they'd at least provide squeegees that work!
dr100525 -- scribble scribble - Look, honeybunch! I did it! - I finally completed the daily crossword puzzle! - How many boxes did you have to blacken-in? JUST A FEW!
dr100526 -- - Hey! I think I can see a can of... - No, maybe not. - ...Sigh... I keep telling you, Ralph, no matter how long you stare into the refrigerator, nothing's gonna change in there!
dr100527 -- When you stare into the fridge for a long time... - and don't see anything good to eat... - it helps to close the door for a few seconds. - Yes! It works every time!
dr100528 -- Ralph, this card is very sweet! - My mother will love it! - I'm surprised you'd buy her such a sentimental birthday card! - They don't make funny cards for people her age!
dr100529 -- Hi, Wendy! - Mind if I sit here? - Sorry. That seat is taken by my imaginary friend! - Aren't you going to introduce us?
dr100530 -- Ralph, this is ridiculous! - I'm tired of having one dinky little inflatable pool in our backyard! - It's too small for us all to swim in! - You're right, honeybunch. I guess it's time to shell out some money so my family can swim in style!
dr100530 -- - Much better! I won't even bother asking him about a room addition!
dr100531 -- I'm home from work! - Good morning, dad! - It's 5:30 p.m.! Whatever! - I see summer vacation is off to a flying start!
dr100601 -- Now that the semester is over, I'm going to sell my textbooks back to the school book store! - They'll pay top dollar for used books in good condition! - If you bring back a book that looks worn and heavily used, they won't pay you as much. -
dr100601 -- I'm guessing that won't be a problem for him!
dr100602 -- Campus Bookstore End Of Semester Book Buyback! I'd like to sell back my text books. OK. - Let me examine them to make sure they're in good condition!... - You highlighted every word in this book with a marker! - I wasn't sure what I needed to
dr100602 -- remember! You even highlighted the index!
dr100603 -- I'd like to sell back this book, too. It's in mint condition! - Mint condition?? This book is thrashed! - Why do you say it's in mint condition?? - It smells kind of good!
dr100604 -- We'll buy back your math book for $12! - $12? Let's see, I paid $100 for it... - So, $12 is a great deal! That's...like...50% of the original price! - We'll give you $15, since it's pretty clear that you never opened it!
dr100605 -- Look, dad! I'm RICH!! - I sold my textbooks back to the bookstore, and they paid me $29!! - They paid you $29 for the textbooks we bought you for $400? - I drive a hard bargain! Promise me you won't become a house flipper!
dr100606 -- ...8... - - ...9... - - 10! - - HOBBLE HOBBLE - obble obble obble! - I'll know I'm finally in shape when I can get my entire body to stop moving all at once!
dr100607 -- WHAM! - - - - - YEEEOOOOWWW!!! - How come it takes so long for the pain to reach my brain? It has to take a detour around your stomach!
dr100608 -- Why isn't the VOLUME GOING UP? - You're pointing the remote backward. OH Yeah, huh!
dr100609 -- Ralph, I still don't get it! Why do you like to stare endlessly into the refrigerator? - It's a guy thing, honeybunch! - It dates back to prehistoric times when the hunter would stare into the wilderness, looking for the slightest movement! -
dr100609 -- You're out of your mind! WHOA! You better check the expiration date on that cottage cheese!
dr100610 -- Staring into the refrigerator is just as interesting as watching TV! - There's action, adventure, drama, comedy... - COMEDY?? - Some of the leftovers are starting to smell funny!
dr100611 -- OK, TIME! - Good job, son! You stared into the refrigerator for half an hour! - You're on your way to becoming a true man! - We'll have more MAN LESSONS tomorrow! When do I learn how to misplace my car keys?
dr100612 -- - - Why do you look so proud of yourself? - Today someone accused me of overthinking!
dr100613 -- 37...38...39... - 40!!! - ...48...49... - 50!!!! - Come on! Keep going! Keep going! - 60!! - I wish I could get that excited over the price of a fill-up! The numbers have NEVER gone this high! Another record shattered!
dr100614 -- I like my steak well done! How do you want yours? Medium well. Medium. Medium rare. Rare! - How are you going to know which one is which? Easy! - Well done on the bottom, rare on top!
dr100615 -- I still don't get it... - Why does he always stare into the refrigerator? - Maybe he's starved for entertainment! - It makes no sense! To bad I can't talk. They miss a lot of good lines!
dr100616 -- I can't find my cell phone. - I know it's here in the house someplace! text text text - Norman, do me a favor and call my cell phone! text text text - HEY, CELL PHONE!!
dr100617 -- What do you find so fascinating in there? - Staring into a refrigerator is totally dull and boring! - Fine. I'll go watch TV! - GOLF?? That's more boring than the refrigerator!! Don't you have a book club meeting to go on?
dr100618 -- I have a good idea, Ralph! Let's watch our home movies! Why? - It will be fun to relive old memories! - I remember that toy! Patrick broke it! I DID NOT! Look at my hair! What was I thinking?? I can't believe you let me wear that ugly dress!
dr100618 -- Yeah, this is a blast!
dr100619 -- - - - - Why did you change the channel?
dr100620 -- Why do you always sit there and stare at me while I'm eating? - It's not going to do you any good! - You should know by now that I'm not going to give you anything! - You've been staring at me for ten minutes! What makes you think you're
dr100620 -- suddenly going to get something to eat? - Boy, dogs are dumb! - Ralph, you've been staring in the refrigerator for ten minutes! What makes you think you're suddenly going to find something to eat??
dr100621 -- Dad, you're late! Mom asked you to pick her up at 6:00! Uh-oh! I thought she said 6:30!! - Boy, am I gonna get yelled at!! - Relax! It was just a miscommunication! - A miscommunication is usually followed by a MRS. communication! Dad, mom's
dr100621 -- on the phone! @!!*
dr100622 -- AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! - Very realistic, but next time let's see if we can practice our emergency-escape drill without screaming!
dr100623 -- Beat it! - Shoo! Get lost! Scram! - - Quack quack! Why didn't you say so?
dr100624 -- Dad, can I borrow your comb? Sure! - I've got something stuck in my teeth! - YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO PICK YOUR TEETH WITH A COMB!! - You're supposed to use a cap from a ballpoint pen!
dr100625 -- Z - - SCORE!! My turn!
dr100626 -- Waitress! Excuse me! - I'm still waiting for my root beer! Oh, yeah, huh! - Sorry. No problem! - I admire that you're not trying for a big tip!
dr100627 -- These things are sweet! - I put in the earbud, and no one can hear my music but me! - * - Norman, you're such an airhead, I can hear the music coming out of your other ear! * - You need to put in the other earbud! Oh yeah, huh? - *
dr100628 -- ZZYZX! - Oh, Ralph! Ralph Drabble! - I've come to tell you that you need to start being a little kinder. - 'k, bye! poof! I also need to stop eating pizza right before bedtime!
dr100629 -- Good morning, honeybunch! smooch! - I woke up this mornin with the distinct impression that I should try to be a little kinder to everyone! - Only a little? WHADDAYA MEAN, ONLY A... - Ah, ah, ahh! I mean...what a delightful sense of humor you
dr100629 -- have!
dr100630 -- Dad, will you blow up our wading pool? I just blew it up 3 days ago! - I know, but you had garlic breath, and we were all scared it might spring a leak, so we deflated it! - YOU WHAT?? - Remember, you need to be kinder! This time, chew some
dr100630 -- gum first!
dr100701 -- MY NEW GOLF CLUB?!! It was an accident, dad! - I was just trying to see how far it would bend! HOW FAR IT WOULD BEND?! - Ahh, ahh, ahh! Remember, you need to be kinder to people! - Maybe I'll just take up tennis instead! Much better!
dr100702 -- BUMP! - You just bumped into my car!!! Sorry. I was texting. text text - TEXTING WHILE DRIVING??!! WHAT KIND OF MORIN... text text - You're going to tell me to be nice to him, aren't you? Not in this case!
dr100703 -- Honeybunch, I just want you to know how lovely you look! - Do you really mean that, or are you just saying it because you're trying to be nicer to everyone? - Uhhhhhhh - OK, smarty, how do I answer that one? I'll create a diversion. What's her
dr100703 -- cell phone number?
dr100704 -- It's getting dark! It won't be long until the fireworks start! The fireworks might start sooner than you think! What do you MEAN your mother is coming to visit us for a month??!
dr100705 -- Are the burgers ready yet? No. - Why not? The fire is on low. Have you flipped them? Yes. - How recently? 30 seconds ago. When will they be ready? About three minutes. - All right, then. Burgers aren't the only things that get grilled around
dr100705 -- here!
dr100706 -- What are you doing? Exercising. - Good for you, honeybunch! - You might want to try a few sit-ups, too. - She should thank me! Now I've got her jogging!
dr100707 -- Hello, Wally! - Come on up here! Come on, hop up! - Hey, what's wrong? You're supposed to be a LAP dog! - I couldn't find his lap!
dr100708 -- What's wrong, dad? - My favorite comic strip looks a little strange today! - It's almost as if the cartoonist lost his GLASSES! - It could happen I suppose!
dr100709 -- Dad, what would a cartoonist DO if he lost his glasses? - Keep drawing and hope the best! Wouldn't he just get new glasses? - No, that takes time. They have deadlines, you know! - Being a cartoonist must be stressful! Nah! Only when they
dr100709 -- lose their glasses!
dr100710 -- Honeybunch, look at this comic strip! - I think the cartoonist may have misplaced his glasses! Why? - It doesn't look quite right. - Actually, I think it looks better than usual!
dr100711 -- - - - - - For heaven's sake, Ralph! Wally wants you to take him for a walk! What are you waiting for?? I'm going to need a jacket!
dr100712 -- Bulk Club Membership Discount Warehouse Next in line, please! - Merchandise Returns Hello! What's your refund policy? - YOU BETTER HAVE A GOOD REASON!! - I think I'll just keep it! I like this job!
dr100713 -- Return I'd like to return this blender. Sigh - You bought it, changed your mind, and now you expect us to refund your money because of your dumb question?? - Here. Good luck living with yourself! - NEXT! Maybe this toaster isn't so bad after
dr100713 -- all!
dr100714 -- I'd like to return this camera I bought last week. Hm...this camera went on sale today. - Some people return things that go on sale, just so they can buy them again at a cheaper price! - They think they're being clever, but end up being
dr100714 -- tormented by a guilty conscience for the rest of their sorry lives! - Have a nice day!
dr100715 -- According to the sign, the store has a "no questions asked" return policy... - So I'd like to return this! - - I'd rather answer questions! Nothing says I can't give you the skunk-eye!
dr100716 -- I'd like to return these items! - - And might I remind you that if no one returned anything, you'd be out of a job! - Is cash OK, or would you like me to credit your account? Atta boy!
dr100717 -- One thing is for certain... - What goes around, comes around! - Unless we're talking about your dad's belt! Dang!
dr100718 -- - GO AHEAD, NORM! JUMP!! - - - SPLOOSH! - HA! That was HILARIOUS!! You should've seen yourself! You were scared to death! I wasn't scared, dad... - Halfway down, I remembered I had your cell phone in my pocket!
dr100719 -- DING DONG! - Hello! May I speak to the head of the household? - MOM! MOM! MOM! HONEYBUNCH!
dr100720 -- I'm back! - Well, it's about time! - What took you so long to drive home? - I hit every stop sign!
dr100721 -- People who text while driving are stupid. - People who text in theaters are rude. - People who text in buffet lines are beneath contempt! text text text
dr100722 -- SLAM! - There's the front door! One of our kids just came home. - biddle-iddle-oop! It's Patrick! - I recognize our kids by their text alerts! biddle-iddle-oop!
dr100723 -- Look what I bought, honeybunch! Low-fat ice-cream! - I'm finally getting serious about losing weight! Good for you, Ralph! - Although it might be better if it wasn't low-fat CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE DOUGH ice cream! Hey, it's a step in the right
dr100723 -- direction!
dr100724 -- Wanna go for a walk, Wally? - Wally is so smart! - When he hears the word "walk", he goes and gets his leash! That's nothing. - I can't figure out how he puts on his harness!
dr100725 -- BAM! - BOP! - - - SMACK! - Darned fishing net! Let's cut him loose and try to roll him back in the water!
dr100726 -- Whatcha doin', dad? Sit-ups! - Now that it's summer I need to work on my beach body! - You've already got a beach body, dad! - You look like an island!
dr100727 -- - OK, kids! Make me look good! - DIG DIG MOLD pat pat SCULPT mold dig PAT PAT -
dr100728 -- Watch this, Norman. It never fails... - As soon as your dad's meal arrives, he'll wish he'd ordered something else! - That looks good. I wish I'd ordered what you guys got! - Amazing! It's called "menu order disorder." Dang!
dr100729 -- Enjoy! Dang! I wish I'd ordered what YOU got! - You did! She got our orders mixed up! - Oh yeah! This is yours and this is yours! - Enjoy! Dang! I wish I'd ordered that!
dr100730 -- I love digital photography! - I can see all our photos on the computer! - the best part is that I can erase all of my lines and wrinkles! - Darn! The computer just crashed! That was bound to happen!
dr100731 -- Run under the waterfall, Penny! - OK! - Hee hee hee! Ha ha ha! - Kids are easy to please! Dads are easy to please!
dr100801 -- Package for you, Mr. Drabble! - ...sigh... Thanks! - I can remember when our cell phone bill used to come in an ENVELOPE! text text text  text text text  text texty text  text texty text text
dr100802 -- Ralph, we need to get you a Facebook page! What's that? - It's a social networking site! A place where your friends can always find you! - My friends already know where to find me! - I know, but sometimes the frozen yogurt shop is closed! I
dr100802 -- was thinking of the driving range, smarty!
dr100803 -- You'll enjoy being on this social networking site, Ralph! - It's a great way to reconnect with long lost friends! - Why would I want to do that? - There's a reason why some long-lost friends become long lost!
dr100804 -- OK, Ralph, now we need to fill out your profile! What's your favorite TV show? - "The Munsters". OK, What's your favorite movie? - "Meet The Munsters". Favorite music? - The theme song from "The Munsters." Maybe I'll just leave all this blank
dr100804 -- for now.
dr100805 -- Look, Ralph! Someone already wants to "friend" you! - I told you once we set up your account, you'd start hearing from your long-lost friends and relatives! - It's your uncle Larry! Uncle Larry? I remember uncle Larry! - He probably wants to
dr100805 -- borrow money again! Hit "Ignore"!
dr100806 -- Your mom set me up with my own Facebook page! - I've finally joined the 21st century! I don't feel like an old fuddy-duddy anymore! - Look, Ralph! Somebody wrote on your wall! - WHAT?? How DARE they!! Crazy vandals! What's wrong with kids
dr108806 -- today?! Ralph, that's a GOOD thing!
dr100807 -- I have an E-mail address, a social networking page... - A cell phone, a landline... - A website, a mailbox... - And STILL nobody wants to talk to me! We need to get you a twitter account!
dr100808 -- Dentistry Hello, Doctor! Hi, Ralph! Long time no see! Have a seat! - Is that a TV? - Yes! Now you can watch a movie while I work on your teeth! nice! - Most of my patients love it! - It helps take their minds off the procedure! - Move over! I
dr100808 -- like this part!
dr100809 -- Who says golfers aren't athletes? - You've got to be in shape to walk 18 holes! - Or in my case, RUN 18 holes! C'mon, Norm! Don't lag behind!
dr100810 -- That ball's mine! No, that's mine! - Boys, you should always make a distinctive marking on your ball! - Then you'll know which one is yours! - Is that why your ball has a stripe and says, "Range"? Yeah, that's the reason!
dr100811 -- Putting requires intense concentration! - BZZZZZZZ - ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ NO VUVUZELAS ON THE GOLF COURSE!!
dr100812 -- Dad, I have a golf tip for you. What's that, son? - Try not to hit or lose your ball all the time! - It not only adds strokes to your score, but it gets expensive! - Why didn't I ever think of that? Maybe I should be an instructor.
dr100813 -- Whew! You almost hit it into the lake! - This is amazing! I haven't lost any balls in the water all day! - - If I don't find the water, the water finds me!
dr100814 -- A little rain never hurt anybody! - But dad, we're getting SOAKED! It'll pass by! Just wait it out! - Find an overhang to get under! - You guys are a riot!
dr100815 -- May I take your order, please? Yes, I'd like one 2-by-4... - One "Headless Horseman"...one "Grim Reaper"...a side order of "Junk Mail", hold the "Goop"... - What are you TALKING about?? I don't see any of those things on the menu! - Those
dr100815 -- things are on the SECRET menu! Secret menu?? - Regular customers know there's a secret menu, that ordinary people don't know about! That's how you prove you're not a tourist! You have to know the lingo! - So, what would YOU like, honeybunch?
dr100815 -- - I'll have a hamburger. A WHAT?? Why does she always have to embarrass me?
dr100816 -- Did you play baseball in high school, dad? I sure did, son! - Were you a good hitter? Nah! - I couldn't hit my weight! - If he had, he would've won the battling title!
dr100817 -- Hey, wakeup! It's almost nine! - Just because there's no school doesn't mean you can sleep until noon! - You should know that by now! Get started on your chores! - Summer "vacation" is a misnomer! I'll be glad when school starts so I can get
dr100817 -- some rest!
dr100818 -- Norman drove my car last... - He changed all the radio buttons, adjusted the treble and bass... - moved up the seat, tilted the steering wheel, adjusted all the mirrors... - AND I ONLY ASKED HIM TO PULL IT INTO THE GARAGE!!
dr100819 -- - - Oh, for heaven's sake, Ralph... - Finish your water so Wally can have the bottle! In due time!
dr100820 -- ...and now here's Lana with the weather! Wow! - Why did you say, "wow" when the weather girl walked on? - She's not a weather girl, she's a METEOROLOGIST! How dare you call her a weather girl! That's demeaning! - You're right. I'm sorry! The
dr100820 -- best defense is a good offense!
dr100821 -- Aren't you a little embarrassed that he puts a leash on you to go for a walk? - No, why? - It implies that you're so stupid, you'd run off and get lost without it! - I thought it was so HE wouldn't get lost! Oh, that could be!
dr100822 -- - - - ...Sigh... - glug glug glug glug glug glug! - OK, here! - CLOMP! - When there's a water bottle and a wiener dog in the same room, it can be hard to concentrate! CRUCH CRUNCH
dr100823 -- ...Sigh... - I'm sorry for the way my hair looks! - You mean today, or just in general? - I WAS JUST SEEKING CLARIFICATION!
dr100824 -- ...the weather forecast today is...(scan)...** I walk the line **..(scan)... - ...in other news...(scan)...Welcome to the jungles, clones!... - YES! THAT'S THE STATION I WANT!! WHERE'S THE "STOP SCAN" BUTTON??! punch! punch! press! hit! -
dr100824 -- ...baby baby * * baby oohh! DANG!
dr100825 -- ...runner at first base. The pitcher comes set at the belt... - ...and the umpire calls a balk! - skattle skattle skattle - He said BALK!
dr100826 -- Ralph, why do they... Shhh!! - - OK, what were you... SHHHH!! I love this commercial! - It's hard to watch TV together. She talks during the show, and I talk during the commercials!
dr100827 -- Don't touch the plate! It's hot! - YEEEOOW! - What is it about the phrase "Don't touch the plate! It's hot!" that the male mind doesn't understand?
dr100828 -- Here you go, Ralph! - -Wash the windows -Wash the car -Paint the fence - What IS this? - Just think of it as your bucket list! ...Sigh...
dr100829 -- Hello? ---oh, hi, No-Neck! What's new? - You don't say! Is that a fact?!! - WHAT?? No way!! That's AMAZING!!! - HA HA HA!! That's Hilarious!! - What happened after that?? - Are you KIDDING me? I never thought I'd see the day!! - OK, thanks
dr100829 -- for calling! Bye! - So, what did No-Neck have to say? Nothin'.
dr100830 -- Mom, dad...I've decided to live at college this semester! - I need my independence! Don't worry, I'll come home for holidays. - ...and weekends...and when I have laundry...and whenever you cook something good for dinner! Farewell! - Our
dr100830 -- little boy is growing up! I wish he'd hurry! Cops, I almost forgot my blanky!
dr100831 -- Norm, as you prepare to leave home to go live at college, you may be having second thoughts. - But let me remind you of one thing... - Today is the first day of the rest of my life! - That's nice, dad. Maybe I could turn your room into a home
dr100831 -- theater!
dr100901 -- We always knew the day would come when you left home, Norman. - You poor father is taking it very hard! - I even saw a tear in his eye! - Actually, that's just sweat from moving the pool table into my room! Oh yeah, huh!
dr100902 -- I'm going to miss you, big brother! Me too! - You're the best big brother in the world! What about me? - You're the ten BILLIONTH best big brother in the world! Well, you're the ten ZILLIONTH best little sister! - MOM! PATRICK IS BEING MEAN!!
dr100902 -- AM NOT! I'll miss you guys, too!
dr100903 -- Well, I guess this is it, Norm. You're really leaving home. - Living at the dorm will be a great adventure! Just be careful and make wise choices! - Oh, and one more thing... - DON'T GO!!
dr100904 -- I can't believe this! It's finally happening! Our little boy is leaving home! - This is the saddest day of my life! - blubber blubber blubber - Even your CRYING sounds fat! BEAT IT!
dr100905 -- - * - * Which pocket is my cell phone in? - * - * - * - * - Ah-ha! * - Dang! I missed the call! - He who lives by the cargo pants, dies by the cargo pants!
dr100906 -- Hello! You must be Norman! - I'm Elgin Carp! I'll be your roommate! Nice to meet you, Elgin! - Our dorm room isn't very big, is it? It should be OK for the three of us! - THREE of us? You, me and my pet duck!
dr100907 -- So, what's your major, Norman? I'm still undecided. - What do you want to do for a living? I'd like to be a LEGO sculptor! - A LEGO sculptor? Yeah! Check out this amazing likeness of Abe Lincoln! - It looks like a battleship! Really? Wow, I
dr100907 -- have even more talent than I thought.
dr100908 -- How about you, Elgin? What are you studying? I'm a music major. - I aspire to become a professional vuvuzelist! - BOOVVVVVVV! - Catchy! I hope my practicing won't keep you awake at night!
dr100909 -- I can't believe Norman has left home! - What an adjustment! It already seems so different around here! That's true... - Hey! Who tracked in mud?! Uhhh... - It must have been you! Now there's one less person I can blame things on!
dr100910 -- I can't believe our oldest child has left home! Before you know it, we'll be emptynesters! - Patrick, don't ever grow up and leave home, OK? - You mean you want me to never become self-reliant and mature? You want me to be dependent on my
dr100910 -- parents forever? - If you wouldn't mind! Let me get back to you on that!
dr100911 -- It's strange... - Norman hasn't even been gone a whole day, and the house already seems different! - I know... - Instead of having 3 TVs on with nobody watching them, we only have *2* TVs on with nobody watching them!
dr100912 -- What flavor are you going to get, dad? Hmmm... - How about chocolate? Absolutely not! - Strawberry? Nope. Bad idea! - Orange? Peanut butter fudge? Nope! No way! - Better make it banana! Banana?? - Why banana? The color of my yogurt always has
dr100912 -- to match my shirt!
dr100913 -- Norman has only been gone since this morning, but I already miss him! Me too, honeybunch! - By deciding to live at college, at least he's proven that he's growing up! - - What are YOU doing back here?? Since college isn't that far away, I
dr100913 -- figured I'd sleep here at night!
dr100914 -- Norman, you can't sleep here every night! We've already paid for your dorm!! - Grow up and show some independence! - Let go of your mom's apron strings! - And let go of my sweatpants strings, too!
dr100915 -- Norman, you can't sleep here every night! We've already paid for your dorm! - But I've never slept away from home, dad! - I'd never be able to sleep at college! - You sleep at college all the time! Yeah, but that's in the daytime!
dr100916 -- ...and then they lived happily ever after. - Goodnight, Norman! - 'nite, dad! Of all the roommates I could have gotten this semester, I had to get him!
dr100917 -- The campus bookstore is huge! - How on earth are we supposed to find all the books we need? - All Books Shelved By Author. Wow! - It's not enough that they WRITE the books, they also have to SHELVE them, too?
dr100918 -- Here you go, Ralph! What's that? - Wash the car, paint the fence, trim the trees... - You gave me a list of chores to do?? Happy Saturday!
dr100919 -- Ralph, I've been asked to make a big fruit salad for the community picnic! - Will you slice up all of the bananas, please? ALL of them? - It won't take that long! ...Sigh... - - peel peel peel - thump thump thump thump Thank goodness for
dr100919 -- ceiling fans!
dr100920 -- Hmmm...someone sent me a message on Facebook. - Hello, Ralph! You probably don't remember me. - My name is Tammy Treehugger. - Looks like he remembers her! This could be trouble!
dr100921 -- Ralph got a Facebook message from Tammy Treehugger! His high school sweetheart! - I wonder if she still has braces. Are you kidding? By now she probably has dentures!
dr100922 -- Holy nachos! I got a Facebook message from my high school sweetheart! - It's been a long time, Ralph. Tell me all about yourself. Are you married? - Hi! GAAAAHH!! - Goodness, you're jumpy! You need to cut back on the frosted cereal!
dr100923 -- Go ahead and respond to your high school sweetheart, Ralph! What's the harm? Don't do it!! - If your wife finds out, it could damage your relationship!! How would she ever know? - Ralph, did you eat the entire bag of cookies and then replace
dr100923 -- them with a new bag, thinking I wouldn't notice?! - Trust me, she'll know!
dr100924 -- An old flame sent me a Facebook message. It's best to let sleeping dogs lie, Ralph! - You're right! I'll ignore her 'friend' request! Smart man! - I'll click 'ignore' right now! Here I go! I'm going to click 'ignore'! Ready,
dr100924 -- ONE...TWO...THREE. - ...four...five...six...seven... WILL YOU CLICK IT, ALREADY?!
dr100925 -- My old high school sweetheart contacted me on Facebook! She asked me if I was married! - Maybe she still has feelings for me! Maybe she wants to apologize for dumping me! Maybe... - Blink! Hey! She just sent me another message! - I asked if
dr100925 -- you were married because I now sell cosmetics! Tell your wife to check out my new website!
dr100926 -- I'm going to the store, honeybunch! - OK! I'm going to the gym! - While you're there, see if they have any exercise machines to tighten your abs! - Will do. - And while you're at the store, see if they have any pain reliever! - Good idea! You
dr100926 -- might be a little sore tonight! You and me both!
dr100927 -- KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK arf ARF arf ARF arf arf ARF arf arf - Wally, relax! - Why do you have to bark your head off every time you hear a knock? - arf arf arf ARF arf arf ARF arf Or, for that matter, every time you hear the WORD "knock"!
dr100928 -- I don't know what to do about this dumb dog. - He goes ballistic every time he hears a-you know what-at the door! - A knock? - arf arf ARF arf arf ARF arf arf Sorry.
dr100929 -- Daddy! I heard a funny joke at school! - Want me to tell it to you? Sure, Penny! - Just as long as it's not a 'knock-knock' joke! - arf ARF arf arf arf ARF arf ARF arf arf arf Too late!
dr100930 -- Enjoy! - What's this? Some kind of sausage? - Knockwurst! - arf arf arf arf arf ARF ARF arf ARF arf arf ARF Oh, shut up!
dr101001 -- Look what I bought for our curio cabinet... zzyzx - A KNICKKNACK! ! - ? - Whew! That was close!
dr101002 -- ARF arf arf arf ARF arf arf arf ARF arf arf arf Oh, for cryin' out loud, Wally! Stop barking! - ARF arf arf arf arf arf arf arf  ARF arf arf arf arf There's nobody at the door. - See? - SLAM! Now shut up! MOTHER!
dr101003 -- You're in the rough, about 150 yards from the pin! - Which club do you want to use, dad? - Who cares? It's not like it's going to make much of a difference today! - Eenie meenie miney MOE! - My driver! Sure, why not?! - I hate it when dad
dr101003 -- gives up! Especially on the second hole! FORE, PROBABLY!
dr101004 -- Patrick and me are going to have ice cream! - No, Patrick and *I* are going to have ice cream! - Not Patrick and ME?? No, Patrick and *I*! - Boy, she cries easily!
dr101005 -- I can't believe you juggle three jobs, dad! - Sometimes I think there must be TWO of you! - - So does the bathroom scale! Thank you for biting your tongue for 3 1/2 seconds!
dr101006 -- Hey Wally... - Wanna go for a WALK? - Hey! Hold still! - It's hard to put a harness on a happy wiener dog!
dr101007 -- Hello? ...oh, hi, Norm! - How's everything at the college dorm? - My roommate is insane! - I know that feeling! Here's an idea!Let's spend the day at the botanical garden with my mother!
dr101008 -- Honeybunch, I don't want o go to the botanical garden with your mother! - It would be hot and boring! Besides, I can't believe she'd even WANT me to tag along! - It's true, Ralph! She really wants you to come with us! Why? - She said you'd
dr101008 -- be good for shade! Now you know where my wife gets her delightful sense of humor!
dr101009 -- You can go ahead of me in the checkout line! - After all, you've only got one quart of milk! - ...and two packs of gum, six candy bars, lip balm, three magazines, a couple of DVDs...
dr101010 -- Don't spend the weekend lying around, Ralph! - You need to burn some calories! - No problem, honeybunch! - - - For me, just getting off the couch is an Aerobic workout!
dr101011 -- It's sure different living at college! - At last I'm on my own! - No one to tell me when to go to sleep or when to wake up or what to wear or what to do... - I hate it!
dr101012 -- I'm homesick! Living at the dorm isn't all it's cracked up to be! - KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK! I could use a little... - DAD! - How did you know I needed some fatherly advice?? It's my business to know!
dr101013 -- So what seems to be the problem, son? I'm homesick, dad! - College is filled with people and excitement and opportunities, but I still feel lonely. - Son, let me give you a little fatherly advice... - BOOT!
dr101014 -- Son, it's understandable that you'd be a little homesick! - But living at college is a great experience! Opportunities abound! - It's also a great place to meet girls! There are 10,000 women enrolled here! - At least ONE of them might find
dr101014 -- you interesting! So far, 9,743 don't!
dr101015 -- Norm, the key to success in life is to exude confidence. - How do I do that, dad? - A firm handshake is important! How's yours? - Needs work! wobble wobble wobbly wobble
dr101016 -- Son, there's no excuse for being lonely! You just need to be more outgoing! - Don't be shy! Run around! Make some noise! - Let the world know you're here! Make a name for yourself! - ALL RIGHT! HERE I GO! Something tells me I might regret
dr101016 -- that advice!
dr101017 -- chirp chirp! - Don't forget to bring your science book to class today. - text text text send! OK. I will. - chirp chirp! - Thanks! - text text  text text send! You're welcome. - chirp chirp! - :) Some people always have to have the last
dr101017 -- text!
dr101018 -- Hello? Oh, Hi, Norm! How's life at college? - I took your advice, dad. I've been running around, making noise, and letting the world know I'm here! - Excellent! How's it working out for you? - I'm in jail. SPPFFF!
dr101019 -- I'm in the mall jail, dad! The MALL JAIL??! - Holy crud! I've been a distinguished mall cop for YEARS! I have a REPUTATION to protect! - If I ever decide to run for public office, this could be embarrassing! - Do I even want to know what you
dr101019 -- did? Probably not!
dr101020 -- Norman, why are you in the mall jail?! What did you do??! - I went snorkeling in the fountain! That's not so bad! - And I jumped up and down on all the beds in the mattress store! A minor infraction... - And I rode the escalator without
dr101020 -- holding the handrail! Whoa! Now you're looking at hard time!
dr101021 -- Dad, I took your advice and decided to be more outgoing and bend the rules once in a while! I NEVER SAID ANYTHING ABOUT BENDING THE RULES!! - Yes you did! - No I didn't! Look at the strip from last week! - Don't be shy! Run around! Make some
dr101021 -- noise! Let the world know you're here! Make a name for yourself! - See?!! - OK, my bad. Now I feel a little stupid!
dr101022 -- OK, I worked things out. You're free to go! Thanks dad! - Sorry I acted up and thrown in the mall jail! - I sure wish you hadn't told me to try and come out of my shell! - QUIT BLAMING ME FOR THIS!! From now on, I'm going to ask MOM for
dr101022 -- fatherly advice!
dr101023 -- Dad, you TOLD me to make a name for myself! - That didn't mean to act like a nut and get thrown in the mall jail! - Norman, you need to start using the brains you were born with! - I HAVE been! Maybe that's the problem!
dr101024 -- Ralph left the stove burning again... - Someone left the water running... - Patrick forgot to feed the dog... - Somebody left the freezer ajar... - Penny forgot to close the back door... - Someone forgot to turn off the ceiling fan... - Mom
dr101024 -- sure takes her sweet time getting to the car! - It never fails: whenever we plan a family outing, she's always the last one out of the house!
dr101025 -- A jack-o'-lantern?! - Oh no! That means... - It's that time of the year again, Wally! - Now hold still while I get a picture of you in your hot dog costume! Wiener dogs hate Halloween!
dr101026 -- DING DONG! ! - bark bark yap BARK grrrr bark bark Relax, you dumb dog! It's just Halloween! - The doorbell's going to ring every 30 seconds! Oh. OK, thanks for explaining it to me. Otherwise, I would've barked every time I heard... - DING
dr101026 -- DONG bark bark bark arf arf yap bark bark It's going to be along night!
dr101027 -- DING DONG! Man, this Halloween candy is good! - Trick or treat! - - I said, TRICK OR TREAT! I'm thinking it over!
dr101028 -- Trick or treat!! - - Well? Huh? Sorry. I was having a flashback to my wife's family reunion! You whole LIFE is about to flash back!
dr101029 -- Sorry, kids. We seem to be all out of bubble gum! - But watch this... chomp chomp chomp - - BLAM! - I had that coming!
dr101030 -- That laundry room was a fright! Did you see the kitchen?? The upstairs bathroom is going to give me nightmares! Did you look in the fridge? The cottage cheese was ALIVE! - When I looked under the sofa cushions, I thought I'd scream!  Thanks
dr101030 -- for visiting the Drabbles' House of Horrors!
dr101031 -- Trick or treat! - Mr. Drabble? Is that you?? - You aren't going to scare us, are you? Hello? - - BOO! AAAAHHH!! - Sweet! They dropped two Snickers and a Kit Kat! No wonder our house gets TPed every weekend!
dr101101 -- The bad thing about wearing cargo pants is that they make my legs look big and lumpy! - Are you wearing a cargo SHIRT?
dr101102 -- Why don't these light bulbs all burn out at the same time? - I put them all IN at the same time! - They're either all ON or all OFF. So why don't they burn out at the same time??! - OW! Try not to think so hard, dear!
dr101103 -- You don't realize how lucky you are, honeybunch! - You should worship the ground I walk on! - I'm too busy VACUUMING the ground you walk on!
dr101104 -- bark bark arf arf - arf arf bark - bark bark arf arf bark arf arf - Fall is a busy time of year for Wally! A little help would be nice!
dr101105 -- Wally, you dumb dog! They're just leaves! bark bark bark bark bark - They're inanimate objects! There's no reason to bark at an inanimate object! * Dang! There goes my stupid cell phone again!! - WHAT NOW??!
dr101106 -- Welcome to Scarf City! You can go back to the buffet as often as you like! - Thank you. Can I have a booster seat, please? Sure! - The busboys can't keep up with me!
dr101107 -- Ralph, we need more bathroom tissue upstairs! - OK! - I wish you'd just go to the store and BUY some! If the neighborhood kids are going to TP our house every weekend, why not take advantage of it?!
dr101108 -- Ready, Patrick? Ready! - WAP! - Missed again! What's my problem? - Just as I suspected! I've developed a hitch! Dad's the only person I know who analyzes his flyswaiting technique on video replay!
dr101109 -- I should be an architect! I've go a great idea for a house! - Imagine this: a place where people can park their cars INDOORS! - You mean, like a garage?? Yeah, but a garage for cars!
dr101110 -- ...Sigh... What's wrong? - Sometimes I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders! - That's understandable. Your hat size is 8 1/4! - THAT'S NOT THE REASON! I'm just saying!
dr101111 -- Why aren't you eating your spinach? I don't like spinach. - Have you ever tried it? No. - Then how do you know you know you don't like it? I just do. Therefore, I will never try it. Any other questions? - Is that so? That sounded more like a
dr101111 -- statement!
dr101112 -- What's this? Spinach souffle. - Honeybunch, I told you I will not eat spinach! You can't make me! I know you think I should, but I won't!! - You need to consider my wishes! I do consider your wishes! - I consider them a challenge!
dr101113 -- Here's your breakfast, Ralph! - Pancakes, eggs, bacon...no spinach! Thank you! - I know you really want me to try spinach, but thanks for respecting my wishes and... - How come these pancakes look a little greenish? Must be the lightning.
dr101114 -- - - ...Sigh... - - - - How long did you want me to hold the guacamole? Never ask Norman to make you a taco.
dr101115 -- - roll roll roll - HEY, WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY MOUSE?? I CAN'T SCROLL DOWN! roll roll roll - You're reading a book! Turn the page! Oh, yeah, huh!
dr101116 -- You miserable cat! pick pick claw claw! - I spent $500 on that kitty thing! - And you still prefer to claw the sofa! - What's wrong with you?! What's wrong with ME??
dr101117 -- RING! Hello? ---hi, Norm! How's everything at college? - I've decided to change my major! How come? - I don't want to be a Lego sculptor anymore. I think I'd have a better career in balloon animals! - You're going to major in BALLOON
dr101117 -- ANIMALS?? - I figure there's a birthday party every day!
dr101118 -- Hey, you miserable cat! Look! The door is wide open! - Run away! The world is yours! Go! Be free! - Oogie! Din-din! - So close and yet so far!
dr101119 -- Congratulations, Norman! Way to go! You 'da man! I knew you could do it! - What's everyone cheering about? All I said was, "I just had a thought..." Gimme five!
dr101120 -- Whoa! You dumb cat! I didn't see you there! You almost killed me! - Quit playing on the stairs!! - One of these days, I'm going to throw you out! - But I'm so cute!
dr101121 -- RING! I'm busy, Ralph! I can't talk to anyone! - If that's Brenda, tell her I'm not home! If it's Debbie, tell her I'm on my way! RING! - If it's Betty, tell her I'll call her back! RING! - If it's my mother, tell her I'll be home this
dr101121 -- evening! RING! - If it's aunt Edna, tell her I'll call tomorrow! - If it's Melissa, tell her I'm on another line! RING! - Hello? ...yeah, she's right here! - - Good secretaries are hard to find!
dr101122 -- I'm home for thanksgiving!! - I see you brought the turkey! - No, Bob is a rare South American parrot. - I was talking to him!
dr101123 -- Norm, I'm so happy you're home from college! - Our house hasn't been the same since you left! - Really? That's true! - He turned your room into a man cave! Stay out of my mini fridge!
dr101124 -- I don't really like turkey and stuffing and cranberry sauce... - So I think I'd like a peanut butter sandwich instead! - But, Penny, it's THANKSGIVING! I know. - And thanksgiving is a day when I'm really thankful for peanut butter sandwiches!
dr101125 -- Penny, you can't have a peanut butter sandwich for thanksgiving! You have to eat turkey! But why, mom? - The reason the pilgrims came here is so we would all have freedom! Yeah! - High five, Penny! SLAP! - I'll live to regret that, won't I?
dr101125 -- Only if you're lucky!
dr101126 -- What a great thanksgiving! Norm's home from college, and all 10,000 of us are together again! - 10,000 of us? cheep beep bong boop chirp Us, our kids, and their 9,995 text buddies!
dr101127 -- This crossword puzzle is IMPOSSIBLE! - The clue for 17 down says, "see 97 across." - So, I look at 97 across, and there are just four empty boxes!! - What am I missing?? Where shall I start?
dr101128 -- I must say, it's nice to enjoy the splendors of nature! - We just don't do it often enough! - It's awe-inspiring to see the world in its natural state, untouched by human hands! - Just look at all the varieties of plant and animal life! - And
dr101128 -- to think we have it all in our own backyard. - ...literally! OK! OK! I'll get out the weed wacker!
dr101129 -- Uh-oh. My soda left a ring on the table! - I better wipe it up before the wife sees it! - The paper towels are all way in the kitchen. - Thank goodness for sweatpants!
dr101130 -- - Ahem! - Give me back the string to my sweatpants! But I just got my kite in the air!
dr101201 -- Well? It's December the first! So? - This is the day you always freak out because you're not ready for Christmas! - Not this year. I'm completely ready! Really? - NO! I'M JUST KIDDING! DON'T JUST STAND THERE! HELP ME ADDRESS CARDS!! She has a
dr101201 -- strange sense of humor!
dr101202 -- Oh, I love this commercial! - Ha ha ha! See? Isn't that funny?! - Let's watch it again! Most people use the digital video recorder to zap OUT the commercials!
dr101203 -- - - - YEEOW!! It's your own fault, Ralph. If you'd tie the drawstring on your sweatpants, the cat wouldn't be so playful!
dr101204 -- I'm home! - What a lousy day at work! - Aaahh! That's better! Linus has his security blanket, dad has his sweatpants!
dr101205 -- BLING* You are! - tap tap tappity tap! No, YOU are! - CLICK! Send - BLING* Am not! - tappa tappa tip tip tap! Are too! - CLICK! Send - Social networks make it possible to reconnect with childhood friends! And Enemies!
dr101206 -- - knock knock - BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK!! It's true: wiener dogs know what you're thinking!
dr101207 -- I can't decide what to make for dinner. - What kind of food do you feel like, Ralph? - squish! - He feels like bread dough!
dr101208 -- - tie tie tie tie - That should do it! - It's sad when you need to lengthen your sweatpants string! The holidays always add a few pounds!
dr101209 -- ! - BARK BARK bark BARK BARK bark BARK bark BARK BARK BARK bark bark bark - What would you do without me? Finish a nap!
dr101210 -- I can't believe the snack bar charges six bucks for a soda! - I guess there's no choice. You can't bring your own drinks into the theater. - Oh, well...I got the most for my money! - Care for a napkin?
dr101211 -- Ralph, when one of the neighbors comes with a plate of cookies... - The polite response is "thank you". - ...not "are there nuts in these?"! - The doctor told me to avoid nuts! I wish someone had told ME that!
dr101212 -- zzyzx - zzyzx - Kitty. - BARK BARK BARK BARK! - What a dumb dog! - All I have to do is say one word and he takes off running! - Beaters! -
dr101213 -- BARBER Hey, what's going on here?? - How come the hair on this sheet is so gray?? snip snip! - MY hair's not that gray! I'm not that old!! - WHOSE HAIR ARE YOU CUTTING BACK THERE??! snip snip snip!
dr101214 -- Optometry Free Eye Exam Your eyes are fin, Mr. Drabble! - That'll be $75! - Your sign said "Free Eye Exam"! That's right! - The other eye costs $75!
dr101215 -- Man, it's hot in here! It's just right! - Now, let's finish the Christmas cards. You lick the envelopes! - - LICK the envelopes! Don't wipe them across your forehead!
dr101216 -- Ahem! What! - Oh yeah, huh! - SMACK - When you hang mistletoe, location is everything!
dr101217 -- Why is it so cold in here? - Oh, that's the reason! Dad! Close the front door!  -* FIVE GOLDEN RINGS ** Sorry. This is going to take a while!
dr101218 -- - - Why did you put Bob on top of the tree? Christmas duckuration!
dr101219 -- What is it, Wally? - What are you trying to tell me? - You want to go into that room? - You want to go into that room so you can knock over the Christmas tree, pull off the ornaments and chew up all the gifts? - Sorry, I won't move the doggie
dr101219 -- gate! - How am I supposed to enjoy the holidays?
dr101220 -- Wally! It's Christmas-time again! - You know what this means! - It's time to put your reindeer outfit! And people wonder why dogs run away!
dr101221 -- - Next year we should HIRE someone to hang our lights! Or at least untangle them!
dr101222 -- - - - I swear they put just enough wrapping paper on a roll to not quite cover any gift!
dr101223 -- "Customer service is the name of the game, - "So we're sorry we had to deny your claim. - "May your coming year be filled with peace, - "Along with our annual rate increase." Our insurance company shouldn't bother to send Christmas cards!
dr101224 -- There! We'll leave some cookies and milk for Santa! - Are you sure that's going to be enough? - Last year he ate the cookies, dank the milk, got into our ice cream, and polished off our leftover pizza! She's right. Throw in a few more
dr101224 -- cookies!
dr101225 -- OK, all the presents are unwrapped... - The living room is covered with wrapping paper, ribbons and bows. - Go to town! - It doesn't take much to make a wiener dog happy!
dr101226 -- zzyzx! - Hey, Wally! Want to go for a walk? WALK! - - - - Well? Are you coming? No thanks, I'm tired now!
dr101227 -- I got a lot of goodies in my stocking this year! Me too! - But next year, I'm gonna do what dad did... - Use sweatpants!
dr101228 -- Honeybunch, I found this in the closet. It looks like a new shirt! Uh-oh... - That was supposed to be one of your Christmas presents! - I bought it, hid it, and forgot all about it! - That's what happens when you do your Christmas shopping in
dr101228 -- July!
dr101229 -- Yes!! I found a new basketball under the sink! - I found a video game in the attic! - I found the doll I wanted behind the bookcase! - It's fun to find the Christmas gifts you forgot about because you shop so early! The video game is for NEXT
dr101229 -- Christmas!
dr101230 -- Norm, it's high time I teach you the basics of household repair! - For example, this toilet keeps running. Do you know what to do? No. - First you shut off the water by closing the valve. twist twist twist OK! - Then what? From now on, only
dr101230 -- use the bathroom upstairs!
dr101231 -- Daddy's teaching Norman how to do simple repairs that everyone should know how to do! - Today he's showing him how to change a tire! - How's it going? How does it LOOK like it's going??!
dr110101 -- Fixing a leak under the sink is relatively simple! - Take your wrench, twist to the left... - Uh-oh... - NOW what do you do? Let mom take over! Get out of the way!
dr110102 -- TAP TAP TAP! WHAT'S THAT?!! - bark bark bark bark bark! INTRUDER ALERT!!! bark bark bark - WALLY; STOP BARKING!! bark bark bark bark bark bark! You're going to bark, too? OK, thanks for your help! - QUIET, WALLY! I WAS JUST HAMMERING! bark
dr110102 -- bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark! Good barking, mom! - WALLY, SHUT UP! bark! bark bark! STOP IT!! bark bark bark bark! bark bark bark! Bark louder, kids! We'll chase away that intruder! - KNOCK IT OFF, YOU DUMB DOG! bark bark bark
dr110102 -- bark bark! That's the spirit! Now let's all bark together!! - SHUSH, WALLY!! bark! STUPID DOG! bark bark! QUIET! bark bark! bark bark! ENOUGH ALREADY!! bark bark! YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY!! Keep it up! You're all making me very proud!
dr110103 -- What a night I had down at the lodge, honeybunch! You'll never guess what happened! - You were voted the new Exalted Ruler? How did you know???
dr110104 -- Honeybunch, I am the new exalted ruler of the Polecat Lodge! - But although I have been called to this position of honor, I want you to know one thing... - I will remain the same man I have always been. The same man that you married. - That's
dr110104 -- too bad! It's customary to kneel when addressing the exalted ruler!
dr110105 -- I won the election at the Polecat Lodge! I'm the new exalted ruler! - Congratulations, dad! What are your duties? - I preside over meetings, judge the annual chili cook.off, decide which game we watch on the big screen... - Basically, I get to
dr110105 -- throw my weight around! Now that's a big job!
dr110106 -- Hello. How long is the wait for a table? - 45 minutes. ...Sigh... - Hi! How long is the wait? Right this way, sir! - Sorry, pal! It's just one of the perks of being an exalted ruler!
dr110107 -- Ralph, I know you're proud to be the new exalted ruler at the lodge... - But aren't you embarrassed to walk around the supermarket in your crown and cape? Not at all! - Now I get to use the express line regardless of how many items I have!
dr110108 -- Ralph, I know you're proud to be the new exalted ruler of the lodge... - But feel free to take off your crown once in a while! Maybe tomorrow!
dr110109 -- Hey! Our DVD is breaking up! There must be something on the disc! - What should I do? Take the disc out of the player. - Now what? Blow on it! - poooff! Now wipe it on your shirt. - squeaky squeak! Now blow on the DVD player. - poooof! Now
dr110109 -- tap on the TV screen! - tap tap tap tap And now hop dup and down on one foot. - Does it matter which... OH, YOU'RE A RIOT!!
dr110110 -- Pizza delivery for the exalted ruler! - I didn't order a pizza! - I know. Enjoy! See you tomorrow! - I LOVE being the exalted ruler!!
dr110111 -- No-Neck! Larry! What brings you to the home of the new Exalted Ruler? - Official business, Ralph. The election results are being challenged. - A recount was ordered. A recount?? But I won by 500 votes! - Exactly! There are only 43 members of
dr110111 -- the lodge!
dr110112 -- A RECOUNT?? But I won the election fair and square!! - The absentee ballots aroused suspicion, Ralph! - Some of the signatures are fictions! FACTIOUS?? - RYAN SEACREST IS A REAL PERSON!!
dr110113 -- These ballots are fake! It's clear that you cheated to win the election! - The lodge hereby strips you of the title of exalted ruler! Hand over everything! - Your crown! Your sword! Your sash! Your cape! - Can I keep my "xltd rlr! license
dr110113 -- plate? EVERYTHING!!
dr110114 -- Due to voter fraud, the new exalted ruler will be the runner-up! Who's that?? - Me! STEINBAUER??! - We hereby crown Steinbauer the new exalted ruler! - I guess we'll have to get the crown resized! You must have a huge head, Ralph!
dr110115 -- I have a confession...Ralph didn't fill out the fake ballots. *I* did! - I knew you'd win the election! The only chance I had was to make it look like you cheated! - I'M the one who wrote all those phony names on the absentee ballots! -
dr110115 -- Here's your sword back! You mean Conan O'Brien didn't really vote for me?
dr110116 -- Why are you buying GREEN bananas? - Because they'll last longer! Yeah, but we won't be able to eat them for a few days! - By the time they're ripe, I won't want them anymore! - Here, let's buy some yellow bananas instead! Sigh. - Ralph, do me
dr110116 -- a favor and go to toe cereal aisle and get a box of chocolate chip maple sugar stars! - I f you can't find them, ask somebody! I never ask for help! I'll find them if it takes all day! - There's no such thing as chocolate chip maple sugar
dr110116 -- stars! Hopefully, I'll be done with my shopping by the time he finds out!
dr110117 -- Here's your pie, Ralph! - No thanks, honeybunch! I don't want it anymore! - My eyes are bigger than my stomach! - If that were true, you could see for miles! Hey, is that Catalina??
dr110118 -- Hey! It's snowing outside! - That's not snow... - Our mailbox exploded! I keep telling the letter carrier never to put all the holiday shopping bills in there at once!
dr110119 -- - - Sorry, honeybunch! OK, you're good for another two hours! - This way, instead of apologizing a hundred times a day, I only need to apologize 7 or 8 times!
dr110120 -- Do your pants fit properly? Do you wear cologne? - Is your truck going to leak oil on my driveway? - OK, then...we'll see you on Tuesday! - When choosing a plumber, it's important to ask the right questions!
dr110121 -- WALLY! GET OFF OF THERE! - Why would you DO that?? - Do what? He was sleeping on the clean laundry! - Well, I didn't think she'd want me to sleep on the DIRTY laundry!
dr110122 -- Another cold January morning! - It's cold and dreary outside! - It's a good day for sweatpants! - Come to think of it, EVERY day is a good day for sweatpants!
dr110123 -- Hey, I want to come back inside now! Open the sliding glass door! - It's cold out here in the backyard! Open the door and let me in!! - Look at everyone inside that warm house! What do I have to do to get their attention?? - Do I have to look
dr110123 -- PATHETIC? OK, how's this?? - And how about if I shiver? Will THAT make you open the door?? - I'll look pathetic, shiver, AND sit up and beg! NOW will someone please open the door?! - Wally, you dumb dog! The door's been open the whole time!
dr110123 -- You just have to come over here! Oh, yeah, huh! - ...Sigh... Fortunately, wiener dogs are not easily embarrassed!
dr110124 -- Another boring night in the dorm. - How come none of us ever have dates? I think we're all losers. - Now, now...let's try to be more positive! - OK, I'm POSITIVE we're all losers! Not what I meant!
dr110125 -- Face it, guys, we're the biggest losers in the entire college! - Girls won't even make EYE CONTACT with any of us! So what are we gonna do?? - Son, don't be shy! Let the world know you're there! Don't be afraid to make a fool of yourself! - I
dr110125 -- just remembered some advice my dad gave me right before I got thrown in jail. Oh boy...
dr110126 -- OK, guys, I did a little shopping! Here you go... - One for Leonard, one for Stu, one for Elgin... - What ARE these? Our new costumes! - COSTUMES?? Trust me, we're about to become EX-losers!
dr110127 -- Blue bodysuits? With masks! Let's put 'em on! - We'll wear them to all the basketball games! We'll cheer and act crazy! Everyone will love us! - For the first time in our lives, we'll be the center of attention! - C'mon, guys! There's a game
dr110127 -- tonight! We look like a bunch of giant kumquats! Kumquats aren't blue! No, but they're stupid-looking!
dr110128 -- Arena Gate B Ticket, please...thank you! Enjoy the game! Ticket, please... - My ticket? Let's see...where did I put my ticket? - This skin-tight body-suit doesn't have any pockets! Where could I have possibly... - Oh, yeah...here it is! Just
dr110128 -- keep it!
dr110129 -- Hello? ...oh, hi, Norm! What's up? Dad, do you remember when you told me to be more outgoing? - Yeah. Well, turn on the TV! I'm at the college basketball game, dressed in a blue bodysuit! - We're going to act wild and crazy! OK, but remember:
dr110129 -- I'm now the exalted ruler of the Polecat Lodge... - Don't do anything to make me look silly!
dr110130 -- Honeybunch, what's... For dinner? Spaghetti! - You know, I need to... Talk to me about something? OK, go ahead. - I don't like the way... I finish all your sentences? You're right. That's not very nice. - Why... Do I do it? I'm not sure! But
dr110130 -- I'll try stop doing it. - Good. I'm... Glad we had this conversation? Me too. I'll try harder. - Thank... You? You're welcome! - Why am I not optimistic about this?
dr110131 -- These blue bodysuits were a great idea! Look at all the attention we're getting! - From now on, everyone will know who we are! - That's right, Leonard! I'm Stu! I thought *I* was Stu!
dr110201 -- Our seats are at the very top! How can we entertain the crowd from way up here?? - We could start a wave! Great idea! Let's do it! - OK, PEOPLE! WE'RE GOING TO DO A WAVE! WHEN I COUNT TO 3, EVERYBODY STAND UP AND CHEER! READY? 1...2...3!! -
dr110201 -- WAP! I don't think they want to do a wave!
dr110202 -- One, two, three... - YAAAAYY!! - Look! It worked!! People are on their feet! We started a wave!! - WE'RE NOT LOSERS ANYMORE!! Oops...we kicked over our sodas! What the...
dr110203 -- Look! We finally started a wave! People are on their feet!! Sweet! - Except most waves go around and around the arena. Our wave is going straight down! - We invented the VERTICAL WAVE!! HEY, WHO SPILLED THEIR DRINKS BACK THERE?! MY PURSE IS
dr110203 -- RUINED!! MY NEW SHOES!!
dr110204 -- Here in the arena, the crowd is doing a VERTICAL WAVE started by four blue dudes in the top row! - You idiots! You spilled your drinks all over the place!! Jerks! - My purse is ruined! My new shoes are soaked. LET'S GET 'EM!! YEAH!! - And now
dr110204 -- the blue dudes are being lifted up and tossed around! Clearly, the crowd loves them! That's my boy!
dr110205 -- C'MON! LET'S GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE WE GET KILLED!! - Hey, you blue dudes are the best! Huh?? - How did you get the crowd so ramped? I wish WE could do that! - You're cute!! Are we actually being spoken to by cheerleaders????
dr110206 -- I've got soda and pretzels! - I've got the chips and dip! - And I've got the cheese and crackers! - I've got everything we need to make sandwiches! - I've got the candy and popcorn! - OK! Let's all get comfortable and watch the Super Bowl! -
dr110206 -- I can't see the TV! This must be why people buy big screens!
dr110207 -- You guys really excited the crowd! Who ARE you?? You blue dudes are very mysterious! Wanna hang out with us? Gulp! - COME BACK HERE!! Why did they run away?? I think I'm in love! Let's follow then!!
dr110208 -- Let's get out of these costumes! - I'm not sure if wearing those blue suits to the game was a good idea or a bad idea! - Where did the blue dudes go?? They were awesome! I hope they come to all the games! Wow! Everybody LOVES us!! If I ever
dr110208 -- see those blue idiots again, there's gonna be trouble!
dr110209 -- Look, guys! They're showing clips of the game on TV! - During the game, four fans in blue body suits thrilled the crowd by starting a VERTICAL WAVE! - THAT'S US!! WE'RE THE BLUE DUDES!! Yeah, right! Sure you are! No way. Get lost! Shut up! In
dr110209 -- your dreams!
dr110210 -- SKRAKKK! - tie tie twist tie - My dentist said to use dental floss every day! !
dr110111 -- When I was a kid, I used to HATE rainy days! - I hated not being able to go outside and play! - Something tells me a rainy day doesn't bother kids like it used to! Is it still daytime?
dr110212 -- I hope I never become the oldest person in the world! - How come? - Because it seems like every day, there's an article that the oldest person in the world dies. It must be very stressful!
dr110213 -- I'm starving! Let's pull into a drive-thru up ahead! - Ralph... I'd like a ten-piece box of chicken nuggets... - Ralph. Quiet, honeybunch. It'll be your turn in just a second! - Now, where was I? Oh yeah...and an order of curly fries. - I'm
dr110213 -- sorry. We don't have that! - You don't have CHICKEN NUGGETS and CURLY FRIES?? What kind of place is this?? This is a drive-thru pharmacy! - I know I told you to be quiet, but now I think I'd just like you to laugh at me and get it over with!
dr110214 -- Why did I wait until the last minute?! The valentine cards are all picked over! - Hey, there's a good one! - LET GO! No, YOU let go! I saw it first!! - Any man can BUY his wife a card. I FOUGHT for yours!
dr110215 -- Look, guys! It's those cheerleaders who flirted with us at the basketball game! Let's go talk to them! - Are you kidding?? We're not wearing our blue costumes! They don't know who we are!! - Without the costumes, we're just a bunch of nerds!
dr110215 -- - The correct term is a "School" of nerds! I thought it was a "gaggle" of nerds!
dr110216 -- Those cheerleaders loved us when we wore our blue costumes at the basketball game... - Let's introduce ourselves! No way! Without our costumes, we're just nerds! - Might I remind you that the nerds are the leaders of tomorrow! Good point,
dr110216 -- Elgin! - Let's come back tomorrow!
dr110217 -- - SCOOP! - THUD! - Would you like jelly on that peanut butter sandwich? No thanks, I'm on a diet!
dr110218 -- We've got rabbits in our yard again! - I know how to get rid of them! I'll put some lettuce and carrots out there! - But dad, if you do that, you'll attract every rabbit in the neighborhood! Don't worry... - I'm going to put it in
dr110218 -- Steinbauer's yard!
dr110219 -- Wiener dogs are so funny! FUNNY??! - I resent that remark! Wiener-dogging is serious business! We protect the house and chew up things that need to be chewed up! - We must be constantly alert! Nothing distracts a wiener dog from... - CAT!
dr110220 -- Maybe I'll watch a little TV! - Hmmm...it's on channel 2 right now... - But I want to watch channel 54. - I could walk all the way across the room and get the remote to change channels the easy way... - Or I can just stand here and push the
dr110220 -- "up" button 52 times! - push push push push push push - push push push push SIGH! - Maybe I'll just watch whatever's on channel 18! You are officially the laziest human being on planet earth!
dr110221 -- What in the world... - Look at all these empty ice cream containers! - Neopolitan, Rocky Road, Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough... - So, how's your diet going? It's been much easier than I expected!
dr110222 -- Yes, I'm sticking to my diet just fine, honeybunch... - Look! I'm even drinking a glass of water! - As I drink more water, I find that I no longer crave fattening treats! - Why are there nine empty ice cream cartons in our trash can? SPPFFF!
dr110223 -- I'm very disappointed in you, Ralph! Honeybunch, I have not been cheating on my diet! - I don't know where all these empty ice cream containers came from! - Maybe they just fell out of the sky! - KLUNK!
dr110224 -- STEINBAUER!! What? - Why are you throwing your empty ice cream cartons into MY trash can?? - Because I'm supposed to be on a diet! If my wife sees them, she'll get mad! But now MY wife thinks I'M cheating on MY diet!! - Do you mean to tell me
dr110224 -- that you're afraid of your wife?? No, but...WAIT A MINUTE!
dr110225 -- Come on, Steinbauer! You're going to tell my wife the truth!! - Honeybunch, our next-door neighbor has a confession to make! - Jun, I'm the one who's been putting the empty ice cream cartons in your trash can! - And you expect me to believe
dr110225 -- that? No, but he does! IT'S TRUE!
dr110226 -- Ralph, do you honestly expect me to believe that MR. STEINBAUER put those ice cream cartons in our trash can??? Good grief! - She didn't believe us! Now what should we do? -
dr110227 -- ...sigh... What? - Don't tell me you're going to sit around all day watching bowling on TV again! - What's so bad about that? - You need more exercise! - Maybe she's right! - I'll watch tennis instead!
dr110228 -- Sigh! - Oh, you want me to move out of the way, don't you? - I can tell by that heavy sigh and the look on your face. - Nothing gets by me! Especially in the hallway!
dr110301 -- Ralph, will you please rinse the dishes? ME?? - Yes, you! It's not that complicated! ...Sigh... - Sometimes I wonder if you intentionally do things wrong so I won't ask you again!
dr110302 -- I love putting on these blue suits and going to the basketball games, Leonard! - Yeah, people seem to really like us, too! - Who would've thought that all we had to do to become popular was cover ourselves from head to toe! We should've
dr110302 -- thought of it sooner!
dr110303 -- OK, blue dudes! Let's hold up our signs and cheer on the team! - GO!! WIN - "Not in the shouts and plaudits of the throng, but in ourselves, are triumph and defeat." -Longfellow #1 You put way too much thoughts into your signs, Leonard!
dr110304 -- OK, guys! Let's hold up our signs!! - GO TEAM! WIN! - SCORE! Sorry. I had writer's block!
dr110305 -- That was a great game! The crowd loved us again!! You said it, Norman! - HEY, BLUE DUDES!! WAIT!! - I want a picture!! Wendy??! - I'd love to know who you guys are! No you wouldn't!
dr110306 -- knock knock knock OH NO! THERE'S SOMEONE AT THE DOOR!! - HELP!! WALLY, DO SOMETHING! SOMEONE'S AT THE DOOR!! - WELL?? AREN'T YOU GOING TO BARK?? Excuse me? Aren't you the ones who get upset every time I bark at the door? - You always scold me
dr110306 -- and yell at me to be quiet, and now you WANT me to bark?? - We were wrong, Wally! Please forgive us! We NEED you! Yawn! Very well... - roff roff roff roff roff roff roff! Our hero! - woof woof woof I wonder what dogs dream about?Something
dr110306 -- stupid I'm sure!
dr110307 -- There's a new restaurant in town, honeybunch! Want to go to dinner? - I'd love to! Wait here! I'll go change. - What king of place is it? - I don't know, but kids eat free!
dr110308 -- Hey! It's the blue dudes!! - Can I have your autograph, Mr. Blue Dude? Certainly! - Remember, young man, study hard and get good grades! - For future reference, 'dude' is spelled d-u-d-e!
dr110309 -- OK, blue dudes! Let's show some spirit! - Hey, wait a minute... 1,2,3,4... - We have an extra blue dude! - One of you guys is a FAKE! Gee, I hope it's not me!
dr110310 -- Who ARE you?? You're not one of us!! Can I be a blue dude, too? - No! You can't just show up in a blue outfit and become an official blue dude! No way! Absolutely not!! That's final!! - Please? You guys are cool! - Oh, OK! SLAP! YES!
dr110311 -- I can't believe a stranger joined our "Blue Dude" squad! - Face, it, we've become popular at these games! We've been on TV and in the newspapers! - Heaven only knows who's going to wanna' join us next! DAD?? Hi, Norm! Need another blue dude?
dr110312 -- WHIRRR... - WHIRRR... - WHIRRR! - I sharpened all your pencils for you! And a couple of pens!
dr110313 -- I'm making my favorite sandwich. - Peanut butter and jelly... - topped with potato chips and chocolate chips! - It's a recipe I invented myself! - Who knows, if I keep this up, you may one day see me on the Food Network! - Or on "The Biggest
dr110313 -- Loser". Wait, I forgot the bacon!
dr110314 -- Look, honeybunch! The flowers are starting to bloom... - The trees are getting green again, the sun is getting warmer... - Kids are flying kites and playing baseball! Do you know what that means? - It's time to put away the Christmas music!
dr110314 -- OK, but just until labor day!
dr110315 -- - - CLOMP! - The wiener dog is the natural enemy of the water bottle! crunch crunch!
dr110316 -- Hello. I saw your ad on TV! - I'm calling for a free quote! - OK, thanks. - What did they say? "A fool and his money are soon parted."
dr110317 -- I'm home with dinner! - FAST FOOD? - I thought you said we were going to have IRISH food in honor of St. Patty's Day! We are! - Here's your filet-o-fish!
dr110318 -- I'm telling you, honeybunch, we'll make a fortune... - Every man likes cargo pants! That may be true, Ralph... - But I'm not sure anyone would by a cargo TIE! You sure like to rain on my parade!
dr110319 -- Leave a message at the beep! Sigh... - Hello! Pick up the phone, Dorothy! I know you're there! You're screening your calls, just like I do! - If you don't pick up, I'm going to be very insulted! - It's poetic justice when a call-screener
dr110319 -- becomes the screenEE! OK, I'm starting to get upset!
dr110320 -- I'm always pumped up before one of our games! Me too, Stu! - I always have butterflies before I suit up! - Who would've thought that one day, thousands of adoring basketball fans would actually cheer for us? Amazing! - Let's go, guys! It's
dr110320 -- showtime! - HEY! IT'S THE BLUE DUDES!! Can I have a picture? DE-FENSE! WE'RE #1 - Can I have an Autograph? You guys want free hot dogs?
dr110321 -- THWOK! - There is no such thing as a bad day on the golf course! - CRACK! BONK! CRASH!! OWW!!! - But today deserves honorable mention!
dr110322 -- Don't be afraid! You can do it! - You were born to fly high and straight! Don't ever forget that! - I've heard of a horse whisperer, but I've never heard of a golf ball whisperer! C'mon, baby! I believe in you! Find the fairway!
dr110323 -- Oh, why me?? - As soon as you hit me, I'll be lost forever! No one will ever find me! - And I can't swim, either! - Shut up, you stupid ball! I think this game is finally getting to him!
dr110324 -- There's a big basketball game tonight, honeybunch! - I'm putting on my blue bodysuit so I can join Norm and his fellow blue dudes! - I'm sure the fans will appreciate your support! - They'll also appreciate your decision to wear sweatpants!
dr110324 -- No choice. The costume ripped.
dr110325 -- We seem to be growing in numbers, blue dudes! Let's take roll! Sound off! - Norman! Elgin! Stu! Leonard! - The guy nobody knows! Dad! Blue dudette! - Blue dudette??? No offense, but I'm going to sit over there!
dr110326 -- Here's an idea, Norm...when the other team has the ball, let's all shout "Air ball! Air ball!" Good idea, dad! - AIR BALL! AIR BALL! AIR BALL! AIR BALL! - WAP! I think we're getting to them!
dr110327 -- Hop in the car, Patrick! It's time to go to school! - Mom, I don't feel well. I think I should stay home today! - You don't have a temperature... - What are your symptoms? - Well...I'm not really sure. I just feel like I shouldn't go! - Nice
dr110327 -- try, Patrick, but you're not getting out of going to school! - I'M NOT TRYING TO GET OUT OF GOING TO SCHOOL!... - I was trying to get out of dad's day to drive the carpool! So, who wants to hear my Johnny Cash impression again?
dr110328 -- CHOP! - Hitting golf balls is a great way to take out my frustrations! - What makes you frustrated? Hitting golf balls! CHOP!
dr110329 -- Ralph! Guess what! What?! - My mother is coming over tonight! - That news wasn't deserving of a "GUESS WHAT"! "Guess what" should only precede GOOD news! - So what should I have said? "Sit down. I have something very bad to tell you..."
dr110330 -- - - What do I have to do to get noticed around here?? I'd like to enjoy my pork rinds in peace!
dr110331 -- Forget it, Wally. Staring at me with those big, sad eyes won't make me share my pretzels! - Cocking your head real cute like that won't work, either! - Oh, for cryin' out loud! Here! - Dogs practice this stuff when you people aren't home!
dr110401 -- Look, Wendy... - My shoelace is untied! - HAW HAW! SLAP! - Wait! That's not how it goes, is it? Happy april fools' day to you too, Norman!
dr110402 -- I'm thirsty! There's a water fountain up ahead! - SLURP SLURP - They don't build them as high as they used to! That one is for dogs, Watson!
dr110403 -- text text text text! text text text send! text text text! text text text! I miss the good old days when baseball players SPIT and SCRATCHED between pitches!
dr110404 -- zzyzx! - - ! - skattle skattle skattle - skattle skattle - CRUNCH CRUNCH skattle skattle How is it even possible to hear a potato chip fall on the carpet?
dr110405 -- Dad, how come you never use this really cool cell phone we bought you? - It does so many fun things! - I can't figure out how to turn it on. - Youth is wasted on the young, but really cool cell phones are wasted on the old!
dr110406 -- - Sweatpants with suspenders?? - The kids took my drawstring! Can you hear me now?
dr110407 -- I still believe that somewhere out there is the girl who's perfect for me! - But there are seven billion people! What are the odds that I will ever meet her? - If I ever meet her, I sure hope I make a good first impression! - BUMP! Oh, excuse
dr110407 -- me! HEY, WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING!
dr110408 -- I believe that somewhere out there is a girl who's a perfect match for me! - But where would I ever find someone that I have things in common with?? - BUMP! - You again??! Pardon me. I was daydreaming about my pet duck!
dr110409 -- It would be so nice to meet a girl who had lots of things in common with me... - WHOA!! - I'm sorry! I tripped! - I can't seem to keep my shoelaces tied! You know, you're starting to get on my nerves!
dr110410 -- No, you would NOT look good with tattoos, and quit using up all of our sticky notes!
dr110411 -- It's not every day that we go to a fancy banquet, honeybunch! Yes, I'm excited! - How do you like my tie and jacket? Nice! - Although I'm not sure they go with your sweatpants! Who cares? I'll be sitting down!
dr110412 -- - Incoming pork rind! chip! - - Nice catch, dad! Munch munch! When kids ask what my family does for fun, I tell them we play video games!
dr110413 -- Men - WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP RRRRRR RRRRRR BEEP BEEP HONK HONK WOO WOO WOO WOO AH-OO-GA AH-OO-GA WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP - Zip! - You have an alarm that sounds when your barn door is open?? Yeah. It saves me a lot of embarrassment!
dr110414 -- Look, Ralph! We got a wedding invitation from our second-cousin's step niece! - They've enclosed an R.S.V.P. card... - We can check "accept with pleasure" or "decline with regret". - Are those our only choices? What if I want to DECLINE with
dr110414 -- pleasure??
dr110415 -- Bank - Why did you come to THIS window? You're supposed to wait for the next available teller! Oh. - I thought it meant YOU were the next available teller.
dr110416 -- ...Sigh... - - I hate windy days.
dr110417 -- Golf Lessons THWAK! - DANG! I sliced it AGAIN! Don't worry, Mr. Drabble! - I just recorder your swing! - I'll watch it in slow motion, and see if my trained eye can detect any subtle flaws in your swing! - - - BA HA HA HA HA! - HEY, GUYS!
dr110417 -- TAKE A LOOK AT THIS!! I think he detected something!
dr110418 -- It's been boring around here since basketball season ended! - I miss putting on our "blue dude" suits and leading the cheers! - We could cheer for other sports besides basketball, you know! Like what?? - I didn't even know we HAD a chess
dr110418 -- team! Watch that Knight! d4!
dr110419 -- Blue duded! Where are you going? Basketball season is over! - This college has other teams who need our support, too, you know! - Although it's not quite the same! QUIET! HUSH! SHHH! ZIP IT!
dr110420 -- Hey! It's the unknown blue dude! And the blue dudette! - Now that basketball season is over, we didn't know if we'd see you again! We're glad you came! - Maybe one of you can explain lacrosse to us! What's Going On? Which Team Are We? I don't
dr110420 -- get it! What are the rules?
dr110421 -- Hey, batter batter! SWING! Go Girls! - CRACK! Uh-oh... - BONK! - Whoever named it "SOFTball" got it very wrong!
dr110422 -- I take exception to your point of view! - YAY!!! YA-HOO! clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap! - Go Debate Him! GOOD POINT! Way to Counter his Ad Hominem attack! WELL SAID! I really miss basketball season!
dr110423 -- Honeybunch, I want you to know that I haven't forgotten that you asked me to take out the trash. - I just forgot it for a little while! - But I won't forget again because I remember! - ...Sigh...
dr110424 -- I TOLD you easter came a lot later this year! When you're all done finding your eggs, will you kids help me trim the tree?
dr110425 -- By the way, Norman... - Thank you for being you! - It's a lousy job, but SOMEBODY'S gotta do it! Some days are certainly better than others!
dr110426 -- Hello, hey-knock-it-off-you-dumb-cat! - pick pick claw shred I keep telling you, that's not my name! Better tell HIM! HEY, KNOCK IT OFF, YOU DUMB CAT!
dr110427 -- Get off me, you stupid cat! purrrrrr... - LET GO OFF MY SHIRT! - - RIP! - Have I ever mentioned that I'm not a cat person? Well, nobody's purrrrfect!
dr110428 -- I don't really mind that you always sit on me when I'm trying to take a nap... - And I don't really mind that you shed hair all over me... - I don't even mind that you claw my shirt! claw claw pick pick - I just wish you wouldn't DROOL!
dr110428 -- purrrrr
dr110429 -- KNOCK KNOCK ...Sigh... - Hello, sir! would you like to buy a coupon book? - Uh...no. OK. Have a nice day! - ?
dr110430 -- Sometimes I think I'm just too old to figure out the computer. - BLINK! Uh-ho...a warning just popped up. - It says, "you are now operating on reserve power." - You're telling ME!
dr110501 -- THWAK! - SPLASH! - THWAK! - CRACK! - THWAK! - bonk! OWW! ** - THWAK! - - The best tee shots are the ones where you don't hear a noise at the other end!
dr110502 -- I should be on "Dancing With The Stars". - I firmly believe that inside of me is a great dancer! - Good thing there's a lot of room in there! I guess that explains all the noise his stomach makes!
dr110503 -- Ralph, I need to warn you... - The doctor said this medication could cause me to become mildly irritable. - That's OK, honeybunch! smack! - Thanks for being so supportive! Mildly irritable would be an improvement.
dr110504 -- May I take your order, please? - Let's see...I'd like a... - GAAAAHHH!! - Sorry. We now have to post the calories on the menu board! ARE YOU TRYING TO GIVE ME A HEART ATTACK?!
dr110505 -- I'm sorry for the shock, Sir... - By law, we now have to post the calories of each of our menu items! - Hey, I believe in a healthy lifestyle as much as the next guy... - Well, maybe I don't.
dr110506 -- Sir, I know it's uncomfortable to see the calories posted on the menu... - But remember, you can alter your order! You can hold the cheese or the bacon or the sauce or the fries... - Good idea! OK, hold the lettuce! - That only saves you 2
dr110506 -- calories! ...and don't wrap the burger in paper because sometimes I accidentally eat some of it!
dr110507 -- Why did you have to start posting the calories on the menu board?? - If I jog home and play tennis for 3 hours, I can almost justify having the #5 combo! - Or you could just do without the fries and milkshake. AH HA! - You're funny!
dr110508 -- THWAK! - DANG! I'm short of the green AGAIN!! - Something must be wrong with my swing! - It might not be your swing, dad. I suspect you could have a problem with your vision! - What makes you suspect that? - Did you look in the mirror when
dr110508 -- you got dressed?
dr110509 -- Congratulate me, honeybunch! I finally achieved my goal! - My waist size is now a smaller number than my age! - Congratulations, Ralph! - And happy birthday! Thanks!
dr110510 -- You pathetic cat! - You stare out the window, waiting for honeybunch to come home because she's the one who feeds you! - Come to think of it, it IS getting pretty close to dinnertime! -
dr110511 -- Are you going to play golf today, dad? Yup! - It's a "best-ball" tournament! - You could be in trouble! These are some of the oldest golf balls I've ever seen!
dr110512 -- I am not overweight. I'm in perfect shape... - I am not overweight. I'm in perfect shape! - Who need exercise? It's all an issue of mind over matter! - Looks more like an issue of STOMACH over BELT!
dr110513 -- text text text - * - text text text text - When I was a kid, we just used our fingers to give the signs!
dr110514 -- I'm going to take Wally to the park! - Come on, Wally! Let's go get into the car! CAR?? Don't DRIVE the dog to the park! - The interior will get covered with hair! - Wally doesn't shed that much! I was talking about you!
dr110515 -- - - - Why does this stupid cat always sit on my stomach whenever I lie down on the couch??! - Cats like to sit way up high! Your stomach is obviously very soft. It's very big, too! Maybe she likes all the sounds it makes! - Why can't I ask a
dr110515 -- rhetorical question without everyone trying to answer it? - Because we like to be helpful! Who knows? What else do we have to do right now? It's probably just coincidental! SIGH...
dr110516 -- Leonard, Stu, Elgin...remember when we wore our blue-dude suits to the basketball game and some lady took our picture? Yeah. - She sent an email! She's a photographer for SPORTS ILLUMINATED magazine! - And guess what!!! - They're making
dr110516 -- another 'Star Trek' movie? Weird Al has a new CD?? McRibs are back?? Never ask a nerd to guess what.
dr110517 -- The blue dudes are going to be on the cover of SPORTS ILLUMINATED magazine? WHAT? We are??!! - Why?? The cover is a collage of crazy sports fans from across the country! - They sent us a mock.up! Look! - There we are, down in the corner!!
dr110517 -- WOW!
dr110518 -- When does the new SPORTS ILLUMINATED come out? Friday! I can't believe we made the cover! Millions of people will see us! - THIS IS THE MOST EXCITING DAY OF MY LIFE!! WE'RE GONNA BE FAMOUS!! - Except we were wearing our blue-dude suits! No
dr110518 -- one can see our faces! No one knows it's us! We can't tell anyone, and if we did, no one would believe us! - Other than that, it's kind of cool, I suppose. This is the worst day of my life!
dr110519 -- It doesn't matter that no one will know it's us on that magazine cover... - WE'LL know it's us in those blue suits, and we'll always know we're not losers anymore! - You have to be a WINNER to meet the coder of a sports magazine! We'll never
dr110519 -- be nerds again!! - Today it's the cover of SPORTS ILLUMINATED! Tomorrow, who knows?! Hopefully, the cover of LEGO SCULPTOR'S DIGEST!
dr110520 -- There it is! The new issue of SPORTS ILLUMINATED has hit the stands! - WE'RE FAMOUS! LET ME SEE! LET ME SEE!! - Where are we? In the lower-right corner! - Right behind the stupid BAR CODE! AAUGH!!
dr110521 -- So we didn't make the cover of Sports Illuminated after all! They covered us with the stupid bar code! - At least we avoided the CURSE! Those who make the cover often meet with misfortune! - SPLOOSH! - Actually, you can still see part of
dr110521 -- Norm's elbow!
dr110522 -- Ralph, are you going to spend the entire day lounging around? - For your information, I'm not "lounging around." I'm getting in shape! - The human body can burn 90 calories per hour while asleep! - I may LOOK like a lazy bum, but I'm actually
dr110522 -- hard at work! - My mistake. That's OK. Most people don't understand the science of weight loss! - No, I meant my mistake for marrying such a lout! I had a big lunch. I may be here for a while!
dr110523 -- You're eating a can of CAKE FROSTING??! - Shame on you, Ralph! - You're supposed to be on a diet! - You don't see me eating the CAKE, do you?!
dr110524 -- They say the supermarket is a great place to meet girls! - If I ever meet the perfect girl, I sure hope I say the right things! - 12 Items Or Less - YOU'VE GOT MORE THAN 12 ITEMS IN THERE!
dr110525 -- BEEEP! - Dad, the light is still red! Why did you honk at the car in front of us?? - Because when this light turns green, it doesn't last long! If he's not alert, we'll miss it! - You honk BEFORE it turns green??! BEEEP BEEEEP! It's called
dr110525 -- "preemptive honking"!
dr110526 -- Wally, calm down! tug tug tug! - I know you're excited to take a walk, but I can't find your harness! tug tug tug! - Oh well...it's hard to reason with an impatient wiener dog!
dr110527 -- squeak squeak squeak squeaky squeak! What? You want me to play ball with you? - No you don't. As soon as I reach for it, you're going to run away with it! - skattle skattle skattle! SEE?? I know how you think! - I've become an expert on
dr110527 -- wiener-doggery!
dr110528 -- Yawn... - Good morning, sunshine! - Nice of you to join us today! - She sure knows how to take the fun out of sleeping in!
dr110529 -- The key to a successful round of golf is to select the right ball. - No! Don't pick me! I don't want to end up at the bottom of a lake!! - Aw, don't be such a scaredy-act! - I think I'll use my 2-wood! No! Use the driver instead! - You're
dr110529 -- going to shank it, blame me, and then wrap me around a tree trunk! - Pipe down, you stupid club! I'm trying to concentrate! Please use the driver! I can't swim! - ALL RIGHT, LISTEN, YOU GUYS... This could be a bad omen! Dad doesn't usually
dr110529 -- start arguing with his equipment until the back nine!
dr110530 -- ...Sigh... - I'm like a car at an expired parking meter... - Just waiting to be towed away at the owner's expense... - ...to the junkyard of broken dreams. Men of a certain age should avoid mirrors!
dr110531 -- - - It's not every guy who gets greeted at the door by his pet duck! That's probably not something I'd brag about!
dr110601 -- Ah-ha! I've found your hiding place! - So THIS is where all you water bottles aggregate! - crunch crunch crunch Some dogs get into the garbage. Our dog gets into the recycle bin!
dr110602 -- Dang! That's not right, either! - I always do the crossword puzzle in pencil so I can erase my mistakes! scrub scrub scrub - erase erase erase scrub scrub - Game over.
dr110603 -- Looking at that ma in the mirror can be very depressing! - The view isn't exactly breathtaking from this side, either!
dr110604 -- - Ralph, the bites you take are always too big! - No they're not! - This is the size my mouth is!
dr110605 -- WHIRRRR! I'm almost done peeling the carrots, honeybunch! This is almost as bad as the time he sliced tomatoes with the ceiling fan!
dr110606 -- Who was Millard Fillmore's vice president? I forget. - Way to go! SLAP! What's going on? - I filled my brain to capacity last semester, so I have to try to forget as much as possible before next semester! - How big is Lake Huron? I forget.
dr110606 -- Sweet! I'm on a roll!
dr110607 -- ...Sigh... - Sometimes I think the odds are against me! - I've got news for you... - the EVENTS are against you, too!
dr110608 -- WHOOSH! - WHOOSH! - WHOOSH! - OK, the pool is inflated! I always knew you were mostly hot air!
dr110609 -- We took our deranged cat to the cat groomer. - Look at these BEFORE and AFTER pictures! They're hysterical! - The poor thing! - These are pictures of the GROOMER! - Yeah! Look at all the bandages in the AFTER picture!
dr110610 -- I never realized how big your nose is! - I mean, not that it's TOO big! It fits your head perfectly! - I mean, not that you have a big head! I goes just right with the rest of your body! - I mean, not that... Go outside and play, Norm!
dr110611 -- I'd like my burger medium-rare. - Rare in the middle, but slightly well-done around the edges! - Here. - Close enough. Wait a minute...that might be a hot dog!
dr110612 -- For all the years we've lived in this house, I always wished we had a laundry chute! - I hate lugging this heavy hamper downstairs on wash day! - But then I finally realized...I don't have to lug it all the way downstairs! - I can just dump
dr110612 -- all the clothes over the bannister! - I wish I had thought of that years ago! - I'm glad she didn't!
dr110613 -- Dad, I got a summer job! That's my boy!! - How much does it pay, son? - Actually, nothing. - But I only have to work for 2 minutes each night! Correction: he's YOUR boy!
dr110614 -- Dad, I'm in show business! I'm going to be in the "Pageant of the Painters". What's that? - It's a show where great works of art are recreated on stage using actors! - I'm going to play George Washington crossing the Delaware! - All I have to
dr110614 -- do is stand perfectly still like this for two minutes! You've always had a talent for standing around doing nothing!
dr110615 -- Dad, I need to rehearse for my part in the "Pageant of the Painters". - I'll be playing George Washington crossing the Delaware! - I have to hold this pose for two minutes! Time me! Go! - OK, that's enough! I'm tired. How long was that? Four
dr110615 -- seconds.
dr110616 -- Son, normally I'd think a job where all you have to do is stand still and do nothing would be right up your alley. - But I'm a little worried about it! - Relax, dad! What could possibly go wring? Well... - Hold that thought! I suddenly have
dr110616 -- to go to the bathroom!
dr110617 -- This show is great! I can't believe how they depict famous works of art using live models! - The costumes and makeup are amazing! How do they stand still for so long? - I can't wait to see Norman on stage! I'm just afraid he's going to mess
dr110617 -- it all up somehow! - You need to show more confidence in your son! OK, I'm CONFIDENT he's going to mess it all up somehow!
dr110618 -- "Washington crosses the Delaware" will be the next painting after the intermission! - I can't believe Norman is actually going to be onstage! - He'll do great! Nothing can go wrong! I have complete confidence in him! Me too! - But I'd better
dr110618 -- go backstage and remind him anyway! Good idea!
dr110619 -- World's Greatest Dad. One Of The Best Dads We Happen To Be Aware Of. At least *I* raised my kids not to exaggerate!
dr110620 -- Dad! What are you doing backstage?? - I go on in just a few minutes! I came to give you a pep talk, son! Don't be nervous? - I'm not nervous! HOW CAN YOU NOT Be NERVOUS?? - YOU'RE ABOUT TO GO ONSTAGE IN FRONT OF THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE WHO ARE
dr110620 -- JUST WAITING FOR SOMETHING TO GO WRONG!! This is a pep talk??
dr110621 -- Dad, I'm performing a living depiction of "Washington Crossing the Delaware"... - Don't worry about me! All I have to do is stand perfectly still for two minutes! - Why wouldn't I be able to stand still for that long?? - After I finish my
dr110621 -- big-swig, I'll be ready to go!
dr110622 -- Dad, there's no need to worry about me! I'll only be on stage for 2 minutes! - All I have to do is stand perfectly still! What could possibly go wrong? - ACHOO! - Darned allergies!
dr110623 -- And now we present..."Washington Crossing the Delaware". The curtain is rising! - There's Norman! - I sure hop he can stand still for the whole two minutes! - WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T THINK ABOUT YOUR NOSE ITCHING!
dr110624 -- I can't believe that's our son on-stage! - * - Hello? - Now I believe it!
dr110625 -- So much for my acting career! - All I had to do was stand still for 2 minutes, and I blew it! - What would posses you to answer your cell phone onstage? - Well, I don't get many calls! Leave it to you to get fired from a VOLUNTEER job!
dr110626 -- beep beep boop! - Oops! I just dialed a wrong number! - I hate it when I do that! - Now the person I dialed is going to call me back and ask why I called! I'll be so embarrassed! - * See? - Hello? ...oh, yes, I can explain... - My husband
dr110626 -- just borrowed my phone, and he must have dialed the wrong number. He's hopeless! Bye! - Sorry about that! - I knew I'd come in handy someday!
dr110627 -- Look! An abandoned backpack! - Why would someone leave their backpack unattended? Maybe they forgot it! - Let's go notify security. Good idea! - It's official: I'm invisible to women!
dr110628 -- beep! boop! beep! beep! - beep boop beep beep beep boop boop beep beep - CLAP CLAP clap clap clap clap CLAP CLAP Apparently, that took me longer than I thought!
dr110629 -- Good! There's no line at the drive-thru ATM! - beep boop beepity beep boop beep! - SNAP! - My wife has become so adept, she can get the money without even stopping the car!
dr110630 -- What you pet hears when you talk to it... - Yadda yadda yadda yadda - What your husband hears when you talk to it... Yadda yadda yadda yadda
dr110701 -- So what's wrong with me? - Was I doing something incorrectly? - I'm a nice guy! - WHY WOULD SOMEONE "UNFRIEND" ME??!
dr110702 -- Hello, Ralph. What can I do for you? - You know why I'm here, Steinbauer. - My barking dog? My midnight drum solos? The tools I haven't returned? - WHY DID YOU "UNFRIEND" ME??! Oh, that!
dr110703 -- Who are you calling? Our pets. - You're calling our PETS??? - We're going to be gone all day! Pets get lonely, you know! - I'll leave a message on the answering machine. They'll be reassured to hear the sound of my voice. - Why in the
dr110703 -- world... Hold on... - Hello Oogie, Wally and Bob! This is Mommy! I miss you! Don't worry, we'll be home soon! Bye! *click* - There. They'll appreciate that! - beeep...beeep...beeep... Great. Now we have to listen to the answering machine beep
dr110703 -- all day!
dr110704 -- click click clikkity... - click CLIKKETY CLICK CLICK - IT WORKS! I JUST FOUND 75 CENTS!! HEY, KEEP YOUR HANDS OUT OF MY POCKETS!
dr110705 -- Hey, I recognize you! - You're a regular customer at the donut shop where I work! Which one? - Th one on Ninth Street! Which one on Ninth Street? It's a bad sign when you're a regular customer at more than one donut shop!
dr110706 -- POP! CRACKLE! CREAK! CRUNCH KRINKLE! SNAP! - Wally ! - skattle skattle skattle skattle - No, I'm not playing with an empty water bottle! That was just the sound of me standing up!
dr110707 -- flip flip flip flip... - glug glug glug - We need an end table! No we don't!
dr110708 -- ...and then she said... - * - What was I just talking about? I don't know. - YOU WEREN'T LISTENING TO ME??! Apparently, you weren't, either!
dr110709 -- Hey! Our car didn't say goodbye to us! What? - Every time we get out out of the car, it says goodbye! Oh, yeah! - - BEEP BEEP! That's better!
dr110710 -- Zzyzx! - - Zzyzx! - Zzyzx! - - SQUEAK-EEE! - You dumb dog! Why did you leave your squeaky toy right in front of the refrigerator??!! He didn't. I did!
dr110711 -- squeaky squeak squeak! - nudge nudge - Does this really seem like a good time to play ball, Wally? - I'm kind of busy right now! I'll wait!
dr110712 -- squeak squeak squeaky squeak! What? You want me to play? OK... - Hey! You crazy dog! - You act like you want me to play with you, but when I reach for the ball, you run away! - I know. That's the fun part!
dr110713 -- tippy tippy tippy... - GOTCHA! - Good job! Let's take the to the vet! VET?! - Big mouth! Sorry.
dr110714 -- Look, dad! The freeway is starting to move up ahead! - After crawling along for two hours, traffic is finally breaking up! - Yes, that figures... - Freeway traffic always starts to clear up when you're half a mile from your off-ramp.
dr110715 -- HA! - Hey, Leo! Check out the birthday card this guy bought! - Now I know why it's called a "checkout" line! Hey, what's this? Athlete's foot spray? Leo! Check this out!
dr110716 -- I can't believe it...another big TV star is quitting his show! - Why would anyone want to quit their dream job? - So many people would love to be in his shoes! - Success is wasted on the successful!
dr110717 -- - I love to polish off the last few bites of ice cream in the carton! - That carton was FULL! I know. This is taking a little longer than usual!
dr110718 -- Are you all right, Ralph? puff puff pant - You seem out of breath! I AM out of breath! - The kids are playing with all of it!
dr110719 -- Hand me my driver! - CHOP! DANG! - Maybe you should tee it up higher! Good idea! - Hand me my Louisville slugger!
dr110720 -- Great shot, dad! You're only six feet away! - Yeah, but putting can be very tricky! Fortunately, I've discovered a method to help my putts go straighter! - I didn't know you were allowed to lay the flag pin down right there! Holler if you see
dr110720 -- the course marshal!
dr110721 -- chirp chirp! - Fore!!! - - My bad. send
dr110722 -- kick! - Hey! You can't kick it out of the rough! Add a penalty stroke! - Steinbauer! You're the course marshal?? Just when I thought you couldn't get any more obnoxious! - HEY, YOU JUST RAN OVER MY BALL! No yelling on the course! Add another
dr110722 -- penalty stroke!
dr110723 -- FORE!!! - I'm sorry! That was a really bad shot! - It certainly was! - Where have I seen him before? Where have I seen her before?
dr110724 -- They say that the mall is a great place to meet girls! - I'd sure like to meet the right girl someday. - Someone who would be perfect for me. - I just hope I'll recognize her! It's not like she's going to walk right up and... - Excuse
dr110724 -- me...where is Zundel's Department Store? - What do I look like, an information booth?! - Dang, now I lost my train of thought!
dr110725 -- - - YIPES!! - Sneaking up on a mirror doesn't help!
dr110726 -- Norman, if you ever want to meet the perfect girl, you need to get out there and look! - She's not going to come knocking at your door! - Yeah, maybe it's right! - Oh, sorry! I must have the wrong address!
dr110727 -- Sorry! I must have the wrong address! - Wait! Don't I recognize you?? - Every time I start wishing that I could meet the perfect girl, I bump into YOU! - You do seem strangely familiar! He's strangely everything!
dr110728 -- Anyway, sorry to bother you! - Oh, you have a pet duck? Me too! We have a lot in common! - He isn't a duck! My dad hates ducks! He's a rare south American parrot that takes on the characteristics of a duck for survival in the jungle! - OK,
dr110728 -- maybe we DON'T have that much in common!
dr110729 -- I thought you were going to join the gym! - I did! I signed up yesterday! - So, why are you working out at home? - Because I want to lose weight before they take my membership card picture!
dr110730 -- Wanna play a fun game? - You grab one end of the sock, and I'll hold on to the other, and we'll both pull until someone gets it. - HEY! YOU RAN OFF BEFORE I COULD GRAB IT! - I forgot to explain that part!
dr110731 -- Honeybunch, I may not be the smartest guy in the world... - Or the handsomest... - Or the best dressed... - But I have a very large upside! - - - Not as large as your backside! Thanks for biting your tongue for eleven minutes!
dr110801 -- ...26...27...28...29! - Only 29 days until school starts again! - Patrick is always the most excited person I know for school to start! - 29 days, 15 hours and 6 1/2 minutes! Make that the SECOND most excited!
dr110802 -- I'm going out to look for a summer job! - Summer is already two-thirds over! - No one would hire you for one month! - Why not? I've never had a job for longer than that! Good point.
dr110803 -- Hmmm... - I don't look so bad for a man my age! - Flip! HEY, TURN THAT LIGHT BACK OFF!
dr110804 -- That should do it! - OK, let's try it one more time! - Come on though! - I love my new job as an airport security screener!
dr110805 -- AARRRGHH! Can't lift it? - What's wrong? Don't you have any upper body strength? - Yes! - Unfortunately, most of my upper body has shifted to my lower body!
dr110806 -- I love these self-service ice cream machines! - - - This one can be yours! I prefer to take my own!
dr110807 -- 48... - - 49... - - 50!! - - Next in line, please! puff puff puff - I'll have a double cheeseburger and a chocolate shake! It's been like this ever since they started posting the calories on the menu board!
dr110808 -- I have to mail a wedding gift... - I'll need to get out the packing materials! - ? - Who popped all the bubble wrap?? Let's just say it's been a boring summer!
dr110809 -- I smell pizza! I smell cookies! - Maybe we're having pizza and cookies for dinner! - False alarm. Dad just let the air out of the pool! He should chew gum before he blows it up next time!
dr110810 -- - I LOVE SUMMER!! - So why aren't you doing that OUTSIDE?? - We saw some bees!
dr110811 -- It's nice to have a day off to play in the pool! Daddy, why did you change jobs? - My new job gives me an opportunity to stand out and get noticed! - I'm now a big fish in a small pond! You sure are!
dr110812 -- Here, I got the chili stain out! - Try to see hoe long you can go without spilling food on your shirt again! - Give me some credit! You make it sound like I spill food on myself all the... - Whoops! 4 1/2 seconds!
dr110813 -- Norman, have you finished washing the car yet? - No, I've only put a dent in it! - - PLEAS TELL ME THAT WAS JUST AN EXPRESSION!
dr110814 -- Hey, Norm, here's an easy job for you... - Go out to the car and put this vehicle registration sticker on the license plate! OK. - The REAR license plate. - Just peel off the sticker and put it in the upper-right corner of the rear plate!
dr110814 -- It's very simple! OK. - The upper right corner of the rear plate on OUR CAR!! - OK. And be careful because it's very sticky, and if you put it in the wrong place, it's almost impossible to... - On second thought, I'D better do it! OK. Thanks
dr110814 -- for the vote of competence, though!
dr110815 -- Lemonade $1.00 - Program your Cell Phone $1.00 beep beep beep boop Ask about our senior discount
dr110816 -- VROOM! - ZOOM! - SCREEECH!! - My old car always seems to run better after it's been washed!
dr110817 -- What could be more fun than a day at the amusement park?! - This place is amazing!! - They turn our wildest dreams into reality! That's for sure! - Only in my wildest dreams would I ever pay $89 for one admission ticket!
dr110818 -- Are you sure you don't want to go on the roller coaster with us, dad? I'm sure. - I don't like fast rides. I'll wait here by myself. Don't worry! - Poor dad! We get to have all the fun and he just has to wait for us! - I hope it's a long
dr110818 -- line!
dr110819 -- Dang! - I can't seem to tighten this screw! - Turn clockwise! - I still can't do it!
dr110820 -- Ahh! It's nice to sit in our yard and watch the worlds go by! - The grass is nice and green, isn't it? - That's because I've been watering it a lot! - Maybe a little TOO much! ?
dr110821 -- Hang on, Cheryl...I think I misplaced something! - I had it just a minute ago! - OK, this is driving me crazy! - Where can it be?? - Ralph, have you seen my cell phone? Yes. - Where is it? In you right hand! - - I think I've officially lost
dr110821 -- my mind! You'll need a search party to find that!
dr110822 -- It's sad being at an amusement park all by yourself. I wish I had a girlfriend. - The only advantage is that I can use the 'Singlerider' lines, which are much shorter. - The problem is, you never know who you'll have to sit next to! - It's
dr110822 -- HIM again! It's HER again!
dr110823 -- Hey, I recognize you... - Every time I wish I could meet the perfect girl for me, I bump into YOU! And you're always rude to me! - I am not! You are, too! - You're a rude dude! I hope this is a short ride!
dr110824 -- It's true! Every time I wish I could meet the perfect girl, I bump into YOU! - Yeah, you're the guy with the pet duck! - When you bump into me, why aren't you ever nice about it? I'M ALWAYS NICE! - You must have me confused with some other
dr110824 -- extremely handsome man with a pet duck!
dr110825 -- How come every time I wish I could meet the perfect girl, I bump into YOU?? - What's your name, anyway? - My name is Norma. NORMA?? What kind of name is NORMA?? - It means "the perfect girl". Oh, it does not-hey, it DOES!
dr110826 -- It's so weird...whenever I wish I could meet the perfect girl, I always bump into YOU! And you're always rude! - Now you tell me that your name is NORMA, which means "the perfect girl". - That might explain why YOU keep bumping into ME, but
dr110826 -- why do *I* keep bumping into YOU?? - It's not like I've been wishing to meet a rude lunkhead!
dr110827 -- Your name might mean, 'the perfect girl', but you're not very perfect! NEITHER ARE YOU! - Thank goodness this ride is almost over! I can't wait for it to end! - At last! The final plunge! IT'S ABOUT TIME! - Attention passengers: The ride has
dr110827 -- temporarily stopped. Please remain seated! NOOOO!
dr110828 -- Which direction is the wind blowing? In your case, it really doesn't matter. - I need to work on my slice! Your slice is fine. You need to work on hitting it straight! - It's about 200 yards. Do you think I should lay-up or go for it? I think
dr110828 -- you should aim for the cart path and pray for a good bounce! - What would you recommend, a five-iron or a hybrid? I'd recommend lessons. - Here, let me carry the clubs for a while! - SHOVE! SPLOOSH! - A knowledgeable caddy is hard to find,
dr110828 -- especially after you throw him in the lake.
dr110829 -- Please remain seated. The ride has stopped temporarily! - Great. - What could be worse than being stuck on a ride 50 feet off the ground? - Being stuck on a ride 50 feet off the ground with YOU! - IT WAS A RHETORICAL QUESTION!
dr110830 -- As long as we're stranded up here, you might as well tell me your name! Norman. - Really?? What a coincidence! My name's Norma! You told me, Norma means "The Perfect Girl." - Hey, does that mean NORMAN means "The Perfect Guy"? Let's see! -
dr110830 -- Nope. It means "Nerd from the North." Dang!
dr110831 -- Tell me something about yourself, Norman! - I'm afraid of wax museums. I AM TOO! - I've never met anyone else who was afraid of wax museums! - I thought I was the only one! Maybe we should get together sometime and not go to one!
dr110901 -- So, tell me something interesting about yourself! - I'm ambidextrous. I can write with either hand. - ME TOO! - Although I write way better with my right hand than with my left! I DO TOO!
dr110902 -- When you get two flavors of frozen yogurt, do you like them swirled or side by side? - Side by side! ME TOO! - What's your favorite household utility? - Trash pickup! ME TOO!
dr110903 -- What's your favorite TV show? I like reruns of "Wheel of Fortune" because I know who's going to win, so I don't get so stressed out! - Me too! It's amazing how much we have in common! I know! - Please remain seated. The ride will now
dr110903 -- continue. - Gee, Norma! Maybe you ARE the perfect girl!
dr110904 -- - - YAAAAAHH!!! - SWISH! - pippity pippity pop! pip pip! poppity pop! - Why can't you make things out of blocks, like other kids?
dr110905 -- Dogs are smarter than cats! - The average dog recognizes 165 words. The average cat only recognizes about 35! - Actually, cats recognize way more than that. - We just don't care!
dr110906 -- Just when I think the world is going to heck... - Something happens to restore my faith in the goodness of people! What happened? - Every person that I came in contact with today offered me a breath mint! - PEOPLE ARE SO GENEROUS!! Care for
dr110906 -- a mint?
dr110907 -- WE'RE HOME! Wally - You're home! You're home! You're home! - Oh boy! - They were GONE??
dr110908 -- Darn! My favorite team is officially out of the pennant race! - I feel empty inside! - You don't LOOK empty inside! - If cats could talk, we'd need way more than nine lives!
dr110909 -- What are you doing, Penny? - I'm making a mother's day card for mom! - This is September. Mother's day is in may! - Nobody likes people who flaunt their knowledge!
dr110910 -- He's home! - He's home! He's home! - Oh boy! Oh boy! He's finally home! - I only went to get the mail! It seemed like an eternity!
dr110911 -- Claw City Kitty Corner Cat Land claw claw pick pick shred rip rip claw! I guess if I had all those expensive toys, I wouldn't want to wreck them, either! Someone should invent a scratching post that looks just like our couch!
dr110912 -- SLAM! I hate school! - My teacher is mean and she makes us do WORK and stuff! - It's dull and boring and hard and miserable! Every second is pure torture! - Aside from that, is it OK? Don't get me started!
dr110913 -- Darn! Back-to-school night for Patrick and Penny falls on the same night at the same time! - Which one should I go to? - HIS! HERS! I wish there were more of me to go around! If there were any more of him NOBODY'D be able to go around!
dr110914 -- Welcome to back-to-school night, parents! - Miss Lewis! Miss Lewis! Yes, Mr. Drabble? - Can I go to the bathroom? Yes, you may. - But come right back, and don't stop to hit the thetherball! Aww!
dr110915 -- ...and on the wall, you can see your children's artwork on display! - Where's Penny's picture? Oh, there it is! - You can always tell whose mommy helps with the homework! Sorry. I got carried away!
dr110916 -- Thank you for coming. That concludes back-to-school night! - Good! These little desks are very uncomfortable! - Please need the furniture here, Mr. Drabble! I'll need a crowbar!
dr110917 -- Ralph! Why are you eating an ice cream sandwich?! - Because you put a box of them in the refrigerator! - But dinner is in TEN MINUTES! - That's why I'm only having ONE!
dr110918 -- Dad, how many clubs are you allowed to carry in your golf bag? Only 14. - So I make sure to carry only the ones I need the most! - So what if they're a little mismatched!
dr110919 -- * * ** * * Uh-oh...honeybunch is playing the piano again! - She's very sensitive about her musical ability. She needs encouragement! - You're really improving on the piano, honeybunch! - * * * * *
dr110920 -- Sniff! - hammer hammer! - LOST TV CLICKER Owner Is Heartbroken! 555-1867 - If only he'd come when I call him! What, no reward?
dr110921 -- KNOCK IT OFF, YOU STUPID CAT! pick claw shred! - GET OFF THE CURTAINS! - YOU DUMB CAT! - How were things around the house today? Catastrophic.
dr110922 -- ...a brood of chickens, a band of gorillas, a school of fish, a herd of elephants... - What do you call a group of dogs? A pack. - skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle How about a group of WIENER dogs? A party pack!
dr110923 -- It's the first day of autumn! - Let's buy a pumpkin! Let's jump in some leaves! Let's cook a turkey! - Autumn is my favorite season!! - Last June you said SUMMER was your favorite season! I was just a kid back then! What did I know?!
dr110924 -- What's everyone's favorite kind of food? Mexican! Italian! Chinese! - How about you, dad? What's your favorite kind of food? State fair. - Sate fair food? I can still taste those deep fried twinkies!
dr110925 -- Buffet ...Sigh... - Hey, no leapfrogging in the buffet line! - Why not? I only want a cucumber! - Wait your turn! - But if YOU want a little bit of everything, and *I* only want a cucumber, why should *I* have to wait behind YOU?? - Because
dr110925 -- it's buffet etiquette! Cut him some slack, dad... - Few human beings have had as much buffet experience as you! GET BACK IN LINE!!
dr110926 -- Good heavens! - I've never seen so many leaves coming down at one time since........ - Ralph, did you just jump into a big pile of leaves again? That was fun!
dr110927 -- Norman, you just don't get it, do you? - You always fail to grasp the concept. - You just don't get it, and you never will get it! - And your point is...`
dr110928 -- And now for some jumping jacks. - ONE...TWO...THREE... - FOUR...FIVE...SIX... - When it's autumn, I probably shouldn't do jumping jacks near trees.
dr110929 -- Norman, I thought of a new nickname for you... - "TURKEY BURGER" - From now on, whenever you do something stupid, I'm going to say, "what a turkey burger!" - Go ahead! Do something stupid! I can't be stupid on command! I need to warm up first!
dr110930 -- rake rake rake rake - - ASHOO! -
dr111001 -- - - - How do you take a picture with this phone??
dr111002 -- biddle dee bump! biddle dee bump! - - - - - Close enough! Dad, you need to give the freezer pops time to FREEZE. He's not the most patient man on earth!
dr111003 -- It's early October. The leaves are falling, and pumpkins are appearing. Do you know what that means, kids? - It's time to start untangling the Christmas lights! This might take until January!
dr111004 -- - - SPLASH - You guys are a riot!
dr111005 -- Crud! It's my turn to referee the soccer game! Don't let the parents give you any guff! - I never do. - Just putting on the outfit makes me cranky!
dr111006 -- shuka shuka shuka - shuka shuka shuka shuka shuka shuka shuka shuka shuka shuka shuka shuka shuka shuka - Isn't the ball a little big, ref? My eyes aren't what they used to be!
dr111007 -- - TWEET! TWEET! TWEET! TWEET! TWEET! TWEET! - TWEET! TWEET! TWEET! TWEET! TWEET! TWEET! - Sorry! (Pant! Pant!) I shouldn't run with the (Pant! Pant!) whistle in my mouth!
dr111008 -- I think I did a good job as referee of the soccer game! - No bad calls, no arguments, no red cards... - I only had to eject one loudmouth parent! - So, where did you go for the rest of the game, honeybunch? None of your business!
dr111009 -- Sit up. Wally! - - Roll over! - - Shake! RARFF! - What's with you? You're not doing what I ask! How come you're not following orders?? - Ralph, I asked you to fix the garbage disposal, not play with the dog! Oh, yeah, huh! I learned from the
dr111009 -- master!
dr111010 -- - Whimper! - I thought I'd run HIS dinner for a change! It's not working!
dr111011 -- - - - A watched potato chip never drops!
dr111012 -- I'll never forget the time 16 years ago when you left a pack of gum in your shirt pocket! - It went through the wash and ruined everything! - Even now, when all is said and done, I'm still upset about it! - It may be all done, but it's never
dr111012 -- all said!
dr111013 -- Ralph, I've solved our Halloween candy problem... - I bought candy that you don't like! Now you won't be tempted to eat it before the trick-or-treaters get here! - Candy corn?? Yuck! Thank goodness there's something you don't like! - It's
dr111013 -- amazing how quickly one can acquire a taste for things!
dr111014 -- Candy for the rick-or-treaters! - Ralph, it's bad enough that you always eat the candy before Halloween... - Now you're eating it all before we even get to the checkstand! I'll go get another bag or two!
dr111015 -- You put the "Norm" in ABNORMAL! You put the "Path" in PATHETIC! - You put the "Eek" in GEEK! You put the "ick" in HICK! - Last summer, I met a girl named Norma, and I just realized that she's much nicer to me than you are! - So, bye! - Come
dr111015 -- back here! I was just getting warmed up!
dr111016 -- rake rake rake - rake rake rake rake - - - - KER-SPLOOSH! - Dad always makes quite a splash! Ow. Even without water!
dr111017 -- Hello, Norman. I'm going to the library, in case you want to follow me around. - Perhaps you've forgotten what I told you last week, Wendy... - I met a girl named Norma who is much nicer to me than you are, so I'd prefer to spend my time with
dr111017 -- her. - Unfortunately, I forgot to get Norma's phone number, and I haven't seen her since!
dr111018 -- Dad, I need a little fatherly advice. Hold on, Norm! Let me put on my fatherly advice outfit... - OK, shoot! Last summer, I met the perfect girl. Her name is Norma, but now I don't know what to do! - Call her! That's the problem! I forgot to
dr111018 -- get her phone number! - WHAT A LUNKHEAD! Give me a break! I'm new at this "having a girl actually like me" stuff!
dr111019 -- Everywhere I'd go, I'd accidentally bump into the same girl. - I finally met her and realized she was the perfect girl, but I forgot to get her phone number! - I haven't bumped into her since, and I have no idea how to find her again! - Why
dr111019 -- can I never accidentally bump into someone on purpose??!
dr111020 -- Norma used to bump into me everywhere I went! - I'd be minding my own business, and all of a sudden, WHAM! I'd look up and there she'd be! - WHAM! - Sorry, dude! You're not even close!
dr111021 -- Why can't I bump into Norma again?? Where could she be?? - Let's see...what do I know about her? She's nice...she has a pet duck... - THAT'S IT!! MAYBE I'LL FIND HER AT THE DUCK SUPPLY SUPERSTORE!! - EXCUSE ME! bump! I'M IN A BIG HURRY!!
dr111022 -- Norma!! I haven't seen you since last summer! I was afraid we'd never bump into each other again! - I can't believe I never even got your phone number! How stupid could I have possibly been?? - OK, bye! - Dang!
dr111023 -- It's weird, Norma...we met each other only a few weeks ago, but I feel like I've known you for a long time! - BUMP - I have a feeling we may have bumped into each other a time or two over the years!
dr111024 -- ...Sigh... - Why so glum? - I think I'm going through a mid-life crisis! - Better late than never!
dr111025 -- Hey, what are you doing?! We're going to carve a pumpkin! - It's too early! Halloween is still a week away! - You've go to be PATIENT! Go ask your mom! - Ask me what? Never mind.
dr111026 -- - - Dang! - He wins every staring contest!
dr111027 -- - Cheer up! - I can't help it! I feel empty inside! - skattle skattle skattle skattle
dr111028 -- - GAAAAAHH!! - This costume isn't THAT scary! - Sorry. I though your mother was here!
dr111029 -- TRICK OR TREAT! - Here's an aluminium can for each of you! - Take it to the nearest recycling center for cash! - We'll be toilet-papering your house tonight! Good! We're running low!
dr111030 -- We finished decorating the tree, mom! WHAT?? - The pumpkin tree! Oh, thank goodness! I thought you were already decorating the CHRISTMAS tree! Don't be silly! We won't do that until NEXT week!
dr111031 -- TRICK OR TREAT! Decisions, decisions... - OK, I'll take the TREAT! - YES! A CANDY BAR!! - Hee-hee! Just kidding! Sorry. He's had too much sugar tonight!
dr111101 -- Yesterday the kids all loved you. Today nobody cares. - The flame inside you has gone out. You're getting soft and saggy. - Your time has come and gone. Next stop is the trash heap! - Why are you sitting with THAT old thing? We have a lot in
dr111101 -- common! I was talking to the pumpkin!
dr111102 -- chirp chirp! - Darn! I can't read text messages in the daylight! - I need some shade! -
dr111103 -- - - - Good things come to those who wait! I hate it when he drools on my shoes!
dr111104 -- ...and here's my most prized possession, Norma...a tee ball trophy! - Aw...how cute! - - I mean, congratulations! Thanks! And over here is my certificate of participation from my third-grade Halloween parade!
dr111105 -- Something smells good in the kitchen, honeybunch! - Unfortunately, it's not for you. - Isn't he silly? Oh, yeah, huh... - My wife is the only person I know who uses the crock pot for cat food!
dr111106 -- I need to go to the store to buy a birthday card. - It's a beautiful evening, Ralph! Let's walk to the store together! WALK??? - It's not that far! We could use the exercise! ...Sigh... - I know what's going to happen here. - Just wait. -
dr111106 -- Here we go! SODA POP SALE - She never buys just one thing! Darn! I should've bought the kitty sand!
dr111107 -- I'M HOME! skattle skattle skattle - Hi, Wally! - GAAAAAHH!! scramble scramble claw shred! - It's never the same when the CAT rushes to greet you!
dr111108 -- I'm... ...going to hit some golf balls? - OK, please be home by 6:30! - You... ...need to stop finishing all your sentences? Yes, it must be very annoying! - I must admit, she's gotten pretty good at it!
dr111109 -- Honeybunch, you... - ...have an annoying habit of finishing other people's sentences? - Oh, I do not! - Me... ow? Yes, your dinner is coming!
dr111110 -- Look at this, Patrick! Today's date is 11-10-11! - Isn't that amazing? - Tomorrow it will be 11-11-11! - WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO TOP ME?!
dr111111 -- - - - I'm a lap dog in search of a lap!
dr111112 -- ...Sigh... - So we're sitting here watching TV instead of cleaning the garage BECAUSE...? - Because I forgot that you asked me to do that! - She not only finishes my sentences, she STARTS some of them, too!
dr111113 -- I have to referee Patrick's soccer game today. - It always wears me out! - Unfortunately, every parent has to ref at least once during the season. - Oh, for Pete's sake. - - Will you kids try to keep the ball on one side of the field or the
dr111113 -- other?!! He's the laziest ref I've ever seen!
dr111114 -- munch munch - Awww... - Aren't you cute! pat pat pat - That's not exactly what I was going for! munch munch
dr111115 -- Wally! Give me back my sock!! - LET GO! LET GO, I SAY!! - Knock, knock, knock! - bark bark bark bark bark bark Boy, what a dumb dog!
dr111116 -- Watch this... zzyzx - Knock, knock, knock! - bark bark roff roff roff!! - Whirrr! Hey! Do I hear the cake beaters?
dr111117 -- WALLY! DID YOU KNOCK OVER THE TRASH CAN? - WALLY, WHERE ARE YOU?? - They can't see you if you don't look at them!
dr111118 -- Whenever I do the laundry, there always seems to be a few socks missing! - Where do they go? Why do they just disappear?? - I'll bet the dog has something to do with it! - Dogs get blamed for everything!
dr111119 -- Wally zzyzx - BOOM - -
dr111120 -- CHIRP CHIRP - text text text text text! - - CHIRP CHIRP - text text text text text text text text! - CHIRP CHIRP -  text text texty text text text text texty text text text text! - I love taking walks on Sundays! CHIRP CHIRP So far, we've
dr111120 -- walked eleven feet!
dr111121 -- Soup's ready! - Dad, how do you know when you're in love? How would *I* know? - Uh...I mean...it's a warm feeling all over! - Yeah, sort of like that! Oops.
dr111122 -- YIKES! I FORGOT MY CELL PHONE! - I MUST HAVE LEFT IT AT HOME! WHAT A SICKENING FEELING! - WHAT IF SOMEBODY NEEDS ME?! - You're good. IT COULD HAPPEN!!
dr111123 -- Darn! I spilled spaghetti sauce! - Thank goodness I wore this apron! - I'll need to get it in the washer right away! Mom's the only person I know who wears an apron over her apron!
dr111124 -- Facebook has the right idea... - You can always "unfriend" people! - Too bad you can't "unrelative" people! Family get-togethers can be stressful! - DON'T LET THE DOOR HIT YOU ON THE WAY OUT, RALPH! THANKS FOR THE TURKEY, TURKEY!
dr111125 -- Make a wish, Norm! OK, let's see... - Should I make a wish for myself, or for something to benefit mankind? - If I make a wish for myself, I might feel guilty. But the needs of mankind are so complex, I'd be afraid of wishing for the wrong. -
dr111125 -- WILL YOU HURRY UP!! Sorry, but I'm feeling a lot of pressure!
dr111126 -- Sometimes dad reminds me of a superhero. - Which one? Batman? Superman? Spider-Man? - Iron Man!
dr111127 -- - SNARF! HEY! - GIMME BACK MY SOCK! - WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU??! - I'M GONNA BE LATE! GIVE ME THAT SOCK!! - DON'T YOU HEAD FOR THAT DOGGIE DOOR!! - WHAM! - Why are you only wearing one sock?
dr111128 -- Look what I'VE got, Wally! - It's an old bank statement from 2005! wad wad crumple crumple - Do you want it? OK, here you go! - shred! rip! tear! rip! shred! Who needs a paper shredder when you have a dachshund!
dr111129 -- The best place in town to eat is the snack bar at the bulk club! - A hot dog and soda combo only costs $1.50! - I can feed my family of five for only $7.50! - Or just me for about $10!
dr111130 -- Dad, how can I tell if I've met the right girl? Invite her to dinner at the bulk club snack bar. - But all they have are hot dogs, pizza and churros! It's not fancy at all! Exactly! - If she's OK with that, then you've got the right girl! OK!
dr111130 -- - If she wants to go someplace fancier, like the snack bar at the car wash, look out!
dr111201 -- Invite her to dinner at the Bulk Club Snack Bar! If she's OK with that, you've got the right girl! - Norma, how would you like to have dinner with me at the Bulk Club Snack Bar? - Did you just invite me to the Bluk Club Snack Bar??? Yeah. -
dr111201 -- THAT'S MY FAVORITE PLACE!! I'm beginning to think some things are just meant to be!
dr111202 -- Norma, I can't believe you like the bulk club snack bar as much as I do! - Why eat anything else? It's amazing! Norma really IS the perfect girl for me! - But nobody's perfect! There's GOT to be SOMETHING wrong with her! What could it be?? -
dr111203 -- Dad, this new girl, Norma, seems perfect. She likes all the things *I* like! So, what's the problem? - There must be SOMETHING wrong with her! Nobody's perfect! What's the catch? - Norman, you're overthinking things! - Now THERE'S something I
dr111203 -- never thought I'd say! I know. That was very nice of you!
dr111204 -- Dad, can I borrow the car keys? - I suppose. Thanks. - HONK HONK HONK What's that?? - You must have accidentally pressed the panic button! Now our car is honking in the driveway! - HONK HONK HONK What should I do?? Press it again! - HONK HONK
dr111204 -- HONK No, not THAT button! The red one! - HONK HONK HONK HONK The WHICH one?? RING RING Oh, great! Now the neighbors are calling to complain! - HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK RING RING RING
dr111204 -- I give up! Yet another reason not to give Norman the car keys!
dr111205 -- Hello, Miss Utely? This is Penny Drabble's mother. - I want to speak to you about the grade you gave her on her snowflake sculpture. I think she deserved better than a 'C'. - I worked...I mean, she worked very hard on this! I spent...I mean,
dr111205 -- she spent hours on it, and I... - Oh, never mind!
dr111206 -- What's the problem, Norm? Norman seems like the perfect girl, but I know nobody's perfect. - She must have SOME kind of flaw, but I can't figure out WHAT! It constantly nags at me! - You have no idea what it's like to have something nag at
dr111206 -- you all the time! - Seriously??? Careful, mom at two o'clock!
dr111207 -- Norma seems perfect! Nobody's perfect! - She is! She must have a hidden flaw! - Maybe she gets mead easily! I suggest you try to make her really mad, just to see how long it takes before she... - You need to stop listening to this guy!!
dr111208 -- I'd like a small yogurt with vanilla on the bottom and chocolate on top! - And I'd like a small with chocolate on the bottom and vanilla on the top! - I KNEW it was too good to be true! I KNEW she couldn't possibly be my perfect match! That's
dr111208 -- it, we're through! - On second thought, put the chocolate on top! Whew! That was close!
dr111209 -- ...and that's what *I* think about it! - I echo your sentiments completely! I know. You always do! - Instead of NORMA, I should start calling you ECHO! Echo?? - I LIKE IT!!! Me too!
dr111210 -- Oops! I forgot something! - BUMP! - Why are you always in my way?! - It must be your magnetic personality.
dr111211 -- I've come to the conclusion that the best time of day is 4:50P.M.! - School is over, and my homework is done, and mom's cooking dinner! - My favorite time is 10:15 A.M.! Why? - Because that's when recess begins! - My favorite time of day is
dr111211 -- 11:17 P.M. because that's when the weather girl on channel 9 comes on! - When buying a sofa, a man should take into consideration that he may have to sleep on it now and then!
dr111212 -- Oops! - SNARF! - CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH - I'm sure it's just a "dog" thing, but food that's dropped always seems to taste better!
dr111213 -- Bleech!! These cookies are stale! - Here you go, Wally! They're all yours! - How insulting! - Tasty, but insulting!
dr111214 -- I have an idea: let's go to the wax museum! WHAT?? - I'm SCARED of wax museums!! I know! Me too! - But if we go together, we won't feel so embarrassed about being scared, and we might even conquer our fears! NOT A CHANCE! - Of course, I'd
dr111214 -- probably be clingy and hang all over you! Let's go! It closes in an hour!
dr111215 -- Tell me again why we've come here, echo! To help each other overcome our fears! - We're both terrified of wax museums, but as long as we're together, nothing can scare us! - GAAAHH!!! - Except maybe the price of admission! Is that decimal
dr111215 -- point in the right place?
dr111216 -- If you encounter a vampire, you can kill it with a wooden stake. - If you're attacked by a werewolf, you'll need a silver bullet. - But what can you use on a WAX FIGURE that comes to life?? Hey, THIS might work! - ...if we can find an
dr111216 -- electrical outlet!
dr111217 -- WE DID IT!! - We made it through the WAX MUSEUM!! - We confronted our fears together and we survived!! - So what if we ran through with our eyes closed! That was the longest nine seconds of my life!
dr111218 -- I can't believe how smoothly the decorating is going this year! - Usually when Norman and I work together to put up Christmas lights around the house, it takes forever! - We get in each other's way and waste a lot of time! - I have to fix all
dr111218 -- of Norman's goof-ups! - But not this year! So far, so good! - So when are you going to help me get down? In due time!
dr111219 -- DADDY! WAKE UP! Huh...? Wha...? - What's wrong, Penny? I can't fall asleep! - I'm just too nervous! Why? - It's the night before the night before the night before the night before the night before Christmas! This is going to be a long week!
dr111220 -- Dad, what would you like me to buy you for Christmas? A tie would be nice. - How much would you want me to spend on it? No more than $15. - Can I borrow this $15? Sure. - Ah, heck! Make it $25! I don't want you to think I'm a cheapskate!
dr111221 -- Dad, it says here right in the book... - "The STOCKINGS were hung by the chimney with care..." - Not SWEATPANTS! Whatever!
dr111222 -- Our tree isn't drinking! - SNARF! - - It seems to be eating all right!
dr111223 -- ? - nudge nudge nudge - YES! - I shouldn't have unwrapped my gift early, but I couldn't resist! skattle skattle
dr111224 -- Look, Penny! Look! - I see a red light in the sky and it's MOYING! - You know that's just a plane, don't you? - Oh, yeah, huh! Poor dad. He gets so excited on Christmas eve!
dr111225 -- Wally ZZYZX! - JINGLE JINGLE - bark bark bark bark bark! - Shhh!- brk rowf rowfrowf bark bark bark! - Grrrrr! - ROWFROWF rowf rowf bark bark rowf rowf bark BARK BARK rowf! ...Sigh... - Santa left YOU a gift too, dad? "Do Training For
dr111225 -- Dumbells"!
dr111226 -- After all the gifts have been opened, Wally always loves to tear the wrapping paper to shreds! grrr! rip tear shred rip rip! - It actually kind of adds to the holiday spirit! rip tear shred grrrr! - shred rip tear rip rip The inside of our
dr111226 -- house looks like a giant snow globe!
dr111227 -- We can put it in the tank like this... - And it will take up space. - So now we'll save water every time we flush! - Every holiday season, I find new ways to make use of a fruitcake!
dr111228 -- Time to take down our Christmas decorations. It's about time, honeybunch. - It seems like they've been up forever! - Oh, don't exaggerate! Who's exaggerating?? - The shopping mall complains that WE start decorating too early!
dr111229 -- Dad, how will I know when I've me the right girl? - You'll want to marry her and she'll want to marry you! - And I'll cry at the wedding because it seems like only yesterday I was tying your shoesies! - Remind me to elope! Come to think of
dr111229 -- it, it WAS yesterday!
dr111230 -- skattle skattle skattle Sigh... - Do you HAVE to follow me around wherever I go?? - No. - I'm just really, really nice! skattle skattle
dr111231 -- - I could've sworn you already took down the Christmas decorations! I did. - And today I'm putting them back up! - She's put up the decorations earlier every year! *Oh, it's beginning to look a lot like...*
dr120101 -- It's bad enough having to go see the doctor... - But it's even worse when you have to wait for him in the exam room! - It can take forever and there's nothing to do to pass the time! - ...Sigh... - Tongue depressors? - - Hello, Mr.
dr120101 -- Drab...what on earth?? flappa tappa tappa tappa tappa tappa tappa tappa tappa - YouTube, here we come!
dr120102 -- - - - - Next year, let's put the tree closer to the front door!
dr120103 -- I feel let down after the holidays. I need something to pick me up! - A FORKLIFT couldn't pick you up! - Oh, great! You just caused me to break my resolution to be less snarky! - Try to be more considerate and don't give me straight lines
dr120103 -- like that! How thoughtless of me!
dr120104 -- Sweet! I found a gingerbread cookie under the couch! - You can't eat that! It's been on the floor too long! - Only since December! - Most households have a three-second rule. We have a THREE-WEEK rule!
dr120105 -- Ralph, this is such a long, boring drive...let me drive for a while! No thanks! - But you must be tired and fatigued! I'd be happy to take over! That's OK. - Ralph, pull over and let me drive! Why are you being so stubborn?? ...Sigh... - When
dr120105 -- I drive, she reads. When SHE drives, we have to talk! So, what shall we talk about?
dr120106 -- ...have a nice time! Lol! OK, wait a minute... - ....L......O.......L......! - chirp chirp! Oh, for cryin' out loud! - It's bad enough when she drives, but then she makes me answer all her text messages! Who's that one from?
dr120107 -- The Christmas lights are all being put away neatly! - - - Somehow, between now and December, they get all tangled, but I can't figure out how they do it!
dr120108 -- munch munch munch . Oops! - WALLY - SNARF! - It never even hit the ground! Dachshunds are really fast! Especially the hungry ones! crunch crunch!
dr120109 -- Hey, it's the BLUE SUIT GUYS! On your way to the basketball game? - You guys are the greatest! Everyone loves you! You're so mysterious! - I'd LOVE to know who you guys really are! - Please don't ever tell her, OK? Ever? No! Never mess with a
dr120109 -- good thing!
dr120110 -- OK, fellow blue dudes, our team is losing! Let's work our magic! - Let's inspire them to victory! Let's hold up our signs and get the crowd amped! Like we did last year! - Hold You Heads High in Defeat! At Least Your Parents Still Love You! -
dr120110 -- You're Not Bad At Everything! Losing Builds Character! Maybe we're a little rusty!
dr120111 -- OK, Blue Dudes! We're here to support our team and cheer them to victory! Let's see if we're all here: Leonard! Here! Stu! Here! Elgin! Here! - The unknown blue dude! Here! The blue dudette! Here! The blue blue dude! I'm very sad. The rude
dr120111 -- blue dude! You're ugly too! - Even when we're all here, we're not all here!
dr120112 -- Our team is still behind! We need to help them catch up! - We need to distract the opposition and get in their heads! - Test Your Vision! E Q Z L T I b f w n p o u a d y . . . . . . . . Solve This Puzzle! You are getting sleepy! Whatever
dr120112 -- works!
dr120113 -- Come on, guys! Our team is still losing! We have to inspire them! - We need to show our PASSION! We need to show we CARE! - I, for one, am very disappointed. I, for two, am too! It's a start, I guess!
dr120114 -- We did it!! Our team came back and took the lead! - Time is running out! We're gonna win! It's time to declare victory! - "This game is in the refrigerator... The door is closed. The light is out... The eggs are coolin'... The Jell-o's
dr120114 -- Jigglin'"! Chick Hearn - Who's Chick Hearn? You call yourself a BASKETBALL fan??
dr120115 -- Look what I bought at the Bulk Club, Ralph! - A jumbo container of gourmet jelly beans! - I LOVE these! They come in so many exotic flavors! - Passion fruit, buttered popcorn, kiwi, tangerine,,, - You can even combine them to get other
dr120115 -- flavors! Banana, chocolate, cherry and vanilla tastes like a banana split! - But I like to eat them one at a time so I can taste the individual flavors! - What's YOUR favorite way to eat jelly beans, Ralph? - Thay wha...? I'll give you a
dr120115 -- second.
dr120116 -- Our December bills are huge this year! - I wish we hadn't bought all that stuff! - Are you having buyer's remorse? No... - I'm having HUSBAND-of-buyers remorse!
dr120117 -- Ahem! Oh, sorry! - Pardon me. sorry! - Beep beep! Sorry! - Is it my imagination, or am I getting in everyone's way more often as I get older? Excuse me!
dr120118 -- Spaghetti again? - Boy, we sure seem to have spaghetti a lot! - Point well taken. - I have a hard time believing that point was well taken!
dr120119 -- ...Sigh... - You wouldn't want to go outside in the freezing rain and take a stupid walk, would you? - - You're weird. Dogs think everything is a good idea!
dr120120 -- You shouldn't sit up like that. It's bad for your back! - Here. - I only gave you that so you'd sit back down! crunch crunch! - Bad strategy.
dr120121 -- What do you want to do with your life, son? - Beats me. What kind of field would you like to work in? - I don't know. - What's your college major? - "Undecided". Sounds like you'll graduate with honors!
dr120122 -- WALLY! - COME ON, WALLY! WE NEED TO GO OUTSIDE FOR A WALK! - I KNOW YOU DON'T WANT TO GO OUT IN THE RAIN, BUT YOU HAVE TO! - WHERE ARE YOU HIDING? DON'T MAKE ME COME LOOKING FOR YOU! - * - Here kitty, kitty, kitty! - WHERE'S the kitty? WHERE?
dr120122 -- WHERE?? - And he wonders why I chew up the magazines!
dr120123 -- Norm, let me give you a little fatherly advice... - Life is short. Be bold! Take changes! If you want something, go for it! - You're right, dad! - So I'm going to propose to echo! WHAT?? You were right about that "life is short" part!
dr120124 -- That's right, dad! You've convinced me to pop the question to echo! ...Sigh... - I've come to the conclusion that she's the perfect girl for me! Thanks for the fatherly advice! - But son, you're so YOUNG! And you haven't even met her FAMILY!
dr120124 -- - But son, you're so YOUNG! And you haven't even met her FAMILY! - Minor details! From now on, let ME give the fatherly advice!
dr120105 -- Son, listen to me! Don't rush into things! - I know how it goes: you marry someone who's cute and nice, and then afterwards... - They even get cuter and nicer! - How did you know she was behind you? The temperature of the room dropped.
dr120126 -- Don't worry, dad! I've got it all planned down to the smallest detail... - Echo and I will have dinner at our favorite place, the Bulk Club Food Court. - After we finish our churro, I'll get down on one knee and and pop the question! She'll
dr120126 -- cry with joy! - I never knew you were so romantic! I even bought a pen with a heart on top for her to sign the pre-nup agreement!
dr120127 -- Echo, we have so much in common! We get along so well together... - I have an important question to ask you... - Will you please be mine? Nope. - Echo, you've made me the happiest...wait, what?! The pizza is really good tonight!
dr120128 -- NO?? But we have so much in common! I thought you LIKED me! I do like you, Norman! - Unfortunately, my heart belongs to another! - He's dynamic! He's fun! He's exciting! - I KNEW there had to be something wrong here! Did I mention he's fun
dr120128 -- and exciting?
dr120129 -- Every father should practice his glare! - If you have a good glare, your kids are more apt to be good, because they don't want you to give them that look! - Sometimes I give my kids the glare BEFORE they can get into trouble, just as a
dr120129 -- precaution! - In fact, something tells me this would be a good time to give Norman the glare, but he already left on a date! - I have an idea! Parenthesis...colon...u...parenthesis! text text text send! - * chirp chirp! - My dad sent me a
dr120129 -- text! - Read this sideways! ):U( Yikes! It's the glare!
dr120130 -- I knew it was too good to be true! I popped the question and she burst my bubble! - Echo's in love with another guy! She couldn't stop telling me about all of his great qualities! - He's dynamic, he's fun, he's exciting... chip chirp! - Oh,
dr120130 -- good. He's also a leader! So nice of her to send a text!
dr120131 -- Rejected by the girl of my dreams! I'm so depressed! - You need to get your mind off it, Norm! Fortunately, there's a basketball game tonight. - Let's put on our blue suits and go have fun! You'll feel better in no time! - SCORE! WIN! GO! I
dr120131 -- hope! WHATEVER
dr120201 -- What's wrong with the head blue dude? He's kind of sad, blue dudette! - Sad?? But he's our LEADER! If HE acts sad, we're ALL going to act sad! - We might not be able to inspire to victory tonight! - IT'S ONLY A GAME. BIG DEAL. WHO CARES. BLAH
dr120201 -- BLAH BLAH. See what I mean?
dr120202 -- It's useless! Since Echo dumped me for another guy, I'm to depressed to lead the Blue Dudes anymore! - She says he's fun and exciting and dynamic...all the thing's I'm not! - No more Blue Dudes for me. I'm going home! - NORMAN?? I recognize
dr120202 -- that voice!
dr120203 -- Norman! YOU'RE the leader of the Blue Dudes?? - Your voice is strangely familiar! I can't believe it! - I joined the Blue Dudes because I had a crush on the leader and the leader is YOU?? - WENDY??!! I think I'm going to be sick!
dr120204 -- Wendy was the Blue Dudette?? Darn! I was hoping it was... - ECHO!! Norman! I didn't know you were the head Blue Dude!! - The leader of the Blue Dudes is the guy I thought was so fun and exciting!! - Who in a million trillion bazillion years
dr120204 -- would've thought it could be YOU?? Who indeed!
dr120205 -- Welcome To Super Bowl XLVI What does XLVI men, dad? - 46! This Super Bowl Number 46, Penny! - XLVI is 46 in roman numerals! The X stands for ten, the I stands for one, and the L and the V stand for the rest of it! - Actually, the I might
dr120205 -- stand for "Investigation," like in "CSI: Miami". Whatever! - Gee, dad, you're 46, too! Maybe you should call yourself Ralph Drabble *XLVI*! - In HIS case, it would stand for extra-large village idiot! I wonder if the LV stands for Las Vegas?
dr120206 -- Oh, no... - He'd better not say it... - I just know he's going to say it... - So, you thought I was pretty cute in my blue dude outfit, eh? TAXI!
dr120207 -- pick pick claw claw1 - HEY, YOU DUMB CAT! DON'T DO THAT! SCRAM! - I thought you wanted Oogie to use the scratching post! I do! - But it's better to act like I don't! pick pick claw!
dr120208 -- bark bark bark roff roff roff You dumb dog! - roff roff bark bark bark It's just me! Why are you barking? - It could've been a stranger who looked like you, smelled like you and sounded like you! - ...Sigh... At the Wiener Dog Academy, they
dr120208 -- teach us to bark first and ask questions later!
dr120209 -- - - - "Close" only counts in horseshoes and the wastebasket in our kids' bathroom!
dr120210 -- This lane is much too bumpy! Move over into the other lane, please. OK. - This lane is even bumpier! - They should resurface this highway! - Or maybe you should just put on your makeup BEFORE you leave! Darn!
dr120211 -- Dad, I know you love your sweatpants, but I think you need to buy some new ones! - Those have so many holes in them, I don't think they're technically considered sweatpants anymore! I think they have a few more years in them!
dr120212 -- Look at all those ducks down by the lake, Wally! - GO GET 'EM! - ROFF ROFF ROFF ROFF - - I can't believe he let Wally frighten those ducks! - RALPH!! - DON'T SCARE ME LIKE THAT!!
dr120213 -- Hey! I thought this was the OLDIES station! - It IS the oldies station! - This song isn't an oldie! It was my favorite song in high school! - Maybe you should get out your quill and write a letter to the station! I'm out of parchment.
dr120214 -- Norman, you know I love the food court at the bulk club... - But I'm surprised you'd get the idea to bring me here for our valentine's date! - I'll take that as a compliment, Echo! Great minds think alike, eh, son? So do cheap minds!
dr120215 -- This is my favorite night of the week! I haul the trash cans out to the curb... - And when I wake up in the morning, the cans will be empty again! - It's kind of magical! - Trash day eve is very exciting!
dr120216 -- Gather 'round, kids! It's FATHERLY ADVICE night! - Dad, when you give us fatherly advice, try to be brief and to the point! - And try not to repeat yourself! Yeah, and avoid long stories! The father is the advisER, not he advisEE!
dr120217 -- Kids, the loose french fries at the bottom of the bag always taste the best! - You've told us that before, dad! I have? OK, let's see... - Never buy a green suit! You've told us that before, too! - Dang! I'm running out of fatherly advice!
dr120218 -- We're home! - We saw a 3-D movie! - How was it? *D*readful, *D*eary and *D*umb!
dr120219 -- Crossing Guard I wish you wouldn't worry about me so much! Crossing Guard Guard Sorry. It's a "mom" thing!
dr120120 -- ...and another thing: never relinquish your TV remote! - Thanks! You've been very helpful! My pleasure, son! - I probably shouldn't wear my fatherly advice outfit in public! Excuse me! Can I ask you a question?
dr120221 -- Hurry up the stairs! We're gonna be late! - Did you know that every time a person climbs stairs, they begin with the same foot? - Which foot do YOU start with? - Are you coming? Quiet! I'm trying to think!
dr120222 -- Well, I'd better let you go! By the way, how do you like your new job? - ...that's good. Well, I'll say goodbye now. How's your mother? - ...OK, well, I really need to go now! What's new with your sister? - Boy, it's hard to get some people
dr120222 -- off the phone! Yeah, we know!
dr120123 -- This movie is driving me crazy! - I have no idea what's going on! - Don't feel bad, dear... - You had no idea what was going on BEFORE you got to the movie, either! Oh, yeah, huh!
dr120224 -- Honeybunch, do you mind if I have a soda? Of course I don't mind! - Why would I mind? You're a grown man! Do what you want! - Stop seeking my permission for everything! It drives me crazy! - Allow me to apologize. THERE YOU GO AGAIN!
dr120225 -- WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF!! ...Sigh... - WOOF WOOF woof woof... Nobody's there, see? - Now quit barking! - woof. He's always got to have the last woof!
dr120226 -- Ralph, don't cram so many french fries in your mouth all at once! - It's disgusting! Eat them one at a time! - Honeybunch, it's impossible for a man to eat only one french fry at a time. No man can do it! - Just watch that guy sitting behind
dr120226 -- you! - - Good heavens! What is it about men that...HEY! DID YOU STEAL SOME OF MY FRIES!? - If you don't believe me, just look at the guy behind you! Men are all in cahoots, aren't they?!!
dr120227 -- Being an airport security screener is a tough job. - Travelers are in a bad mood because they feel like they're being treated like cattle! - Maybe we shouldn't put cowbells on them! clank clank clank clank clank clank Well, we can't have
dr120227 -- them wandering off!
dr120228 -- Please remove your shoes, belts, and all the contents from your pockets before you pass through security! - I know it's a hassle, but let's all try to be cheerful! - * If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands...** - grumble grumble!
dr120228 -- @*!! grumble grumble! I tried.
dr120229 -- Before passing through security, all passengers must remove their shoes and belts! - You forgot to remove your belt. Allow me. - FWISSSHH! - That's always fun!
dr120301 -- Congratulations on passing the security check, kids! - - whoosh whoosh - Here! Have a blue latex glove! In the good old days, they'd give the kids pilot wings!
dr120302 -- Do I HAVE to go through the security x-ray? - I think it' sundignified! No problem! We can check you the old-fashioned way! - On the return trip, I'll just do the x-ray!
dr120303 -- I'm home! Did you bring me anything, daddy? - My friend Sophia's dad works in a bakery and brings her things from work! - Keep in mind I work as an airport security screener! - How about some confiscated toenail clippers?
dr120304 -- He did it again! I can't believe it! - Ralph, when you put away a box of crackers, you need to close the bag inside properly! - Don't just wad up the bag and close the flap! Fold the bag down over and over! Like this! - The go to the drawer
dr120304 -- and get one of these plastic food clamps and clamp it shut! - Otherwise, the bag comes open and the crackers get stale! - Don't be a dummy! When you want something to stay closed, put a clamp on it! - - OK! Come back here and explain that
dr120304 -- smirk!
dr120305 -- I hate doing taxes! - I can't believe all the dumb things we spent money on last year! - A CAT GROOMER?? What were we thinking?? - That's what *I* was wondering!
dr120306 -- Looks like it's tax time again. Yup. - Interesting... - Why are all of your dinners at the buffet listed as charitable donations? I was always afraid I was going to put them out of business!
dr120307 -- I woke up feeling lousy! - I have a headache, an upset stomach and a sore throat. - Whenever I'm like this, there's only one thing that can make me feel better... - A warm pair of sweatpants!
dr120308 -- - - Dang! No match! - Every new pair of socks should come with a spare!
dr120309 -- Time to throw away these old sweatpants, Ralph. There's a big hole in them! - But I love these sweatpants! There's gotta be some way to keep 'em! - - No.
dr120310 -- Ralph, can I say something without you getting all defensive? - Why do you always assume I'm going to be defensive? - That's not very nice of you! - I'll take that as a 'no'.
dr120311 -- Oh, man! My feet are killing me! - You mom bought me a new pair of shoes last week, and they feel to small! - You've been walking around for a week in shoes that are too small?! Why don't you take them back?? - According to the label, they're
dr120311 -- the right size! I was hoping they'd stretch out! - I think I see the problem, dad... - When you get new shoes, you're supposed to remove the wadded-up paper! Oh, yeah, huh!
dr120312 -- bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark! - bark bark bark bark bark bark! There's no one there, you dumb dog! Knock it off! - bark bark bark bark bark bark! Here, catch! -  bark bark
dr120312 -- bark!
dr120313 -- Lots of people have banners on their homes. - Most of them are so much charm to the home. - And then there's ours! Sorry, but I just can't bear to throw my old sweatpants away!
dr120314 -- After robbing a bank and stealing a car, the suspect led police on a 20-mile high-speed chase. - He sideswiped several cars and narrowly avoided hitting a group of pedestrians. - After resisting arrest, police have finally taken the gentleman
dr120314 -- into custody. - "GENTLEMAN"???
dr120315 -- I'm starving! I've had nothing to eat all day! - What about those donuts you had for breakfast? Oh yeah, huh. - And the hot dog you had for lunch? Oh yeah. - And the potato chips you had five minutes ago? OK, I've had nothing MEMORABLE!
dr120316 -- - The world's largest bubble! - BLAM! -
dr120317 -- Well, I'll be takin' me shillelagh and goin' home to watch "The Quiet Man." - Thanks for coming to dinner, Stu! - "If you're lucky enough to be Irish, you're lucky enough!" Happy St. Patty's Day! - I thought you meat we were having Irish
dr120317 -- STEW for dinner!
dr120318 -- another red light! I never make this signal! - I wonder how much timeout of my life I've spent sitting at this signal waiting for the light to change? - At least twice a day for the last 20 years! - This signal is about 90 seconds long. Twice
dr120318 -- a day would be three minutes a day... - Three minutes times 365 days a year, times 20 years... - Let's see...carry the one... - HONK!! Dang! I missed the signal! - Oh, well...what's another 90 seconds?
dr120319 -- - SNARF! POP! - SNARF! POP! - I've been eating these all day, but they just don't fill me up!
dr120320 -- SNARF! POP! SNARF! POP! SNARF! POP! Got 'em all!! - More?? - Haven't I got enough to do around here??
dr120321 -- THIS BOOK STINKS! - What a waste of time! Hours of my life I'll never get back! - I don't know whether to keep reading and hope it gets better, or cut my losses and run! - Fortunately it's only 25 pages! 24 to go!
dr120322 -- This is the most boring book I've ever read! - My eyes are tired from moving back and forth so much! - Maybe I should just listen to this book on tape! - They don't record pop-up books on tape, Penny! Fine. I'll just wait for the movie!
dr120323 -- I can't believe you're still reading that book, Penny! I'm not. I'm UN-reading it! - UNreading it?? I read it all and I hated it! - The only way to get it out of my mind is to unread it by reading it backwards! - How come *I* never thought of
dr120323 -- that?? .end the
dr120324 -- - - HIC! -
dr120325 -- DEPARTURES--> Oh, no! - What? I forgot my driver's license! - They won't let me on the plane without identification! Our vacation will be RUINED! - COME ON! WE HAVE TO GO HOME AND GET IT! - HURRY! WE'LL HAVE TO RUN TO CARCH THE SHUTTLE BACK
dr120325 -- TO THE PARKING LOT!! - IT'S OUR ONLY CHANCE! HURRY, RALPH, HURRY!! WE JUST MAKE IT BEFORE... - Oh, wait a minute...her is it! Never mind! - Let's go, Ralph! If we hurry, we might get an aisle! Where are those oxygen masks when you need 'em?!
dr120326 -- I used to read in bed every night until my eyes got tired. - Now I listen to audio books. - It's not quite the same. - Now I read until my ears get tired!
dr120327 -- Dad, why do we have to go outside and fly a kite? - It's unhealthy to stay indoors all day playing video games! - I want you kids to start living a more healthy lifestyle! - If you're good sports, I'll take you to get donuts!
dr120328 -- Kids today spend too much time immersed in technology. - They don't know how to play outside anymore. That's why I'm teaching you to fly a kite! - One day you'll thank me! - Although it will probably be tweeted! - Isn't there an app for
dr120328 -- playing outside?
dr120329 -- Our kite is flying! We did it!! - Is this fun, or what?! - - Anybody else want to stand here and hold it? I don't think I could handle the excitement.
dr120330 -- Society tells kids to spend all their free time immersed in technology. - But as your father, I feel a responsibility to teach you about the finer things in life! - The world may be against me, but I refuse to give up! - Did I mention the
dr120330 -- world is against me?
dr120331 -- I tried to convince our kids that flying a kite outdoors is better than playing video games indoors. - Were you successful? - Partially.
dr120401 -- OK, Blue Dudes! Let's take off our masks so every one can hear us!! - GIIME ! V!! - V! GIMME AN I!! - I! GIMME A C-T-O-R-Y!! - C-T-O-R-Y!! - WHAT'S THAT SPELL?! - Victoria? Veterinarian? Vicinity? Maybe we should've left our masks on!
dr120402 -- Here you go, Norman. - Sorry I missed your special day! - - I'm probably the only person in the world who gets belated "Happy April Fool's Day" cards!
dr120403 -- Darn! I can't find my punch card! - This donut should be free because I filled up my ounch card, but now I can't find it! - It's OK. I'm new here, but I can certainly believe you're a regular customer! - I didn't like the way she said that!
dr120404 -- twist twist! - SQUEEZE - Here's your orange juice, big brother! - Is it freshly squeezed? That's what you asked for, isn't it?
dr120405 -- I have so much to do today! - It seems like I need to be several places at once! - I'm beginning to understand how your belt must feel! My belt?? - There's not enough of me to go around!
dr120406 -- Did you play baseball in school, dad? I sure did! Son! - I was considered a "five-tool" player! - Really?? Absolutely... - I had a HAMMER toe, a WRENCH in my back, an IRON glove, a hangNAIL and a SCREWball swing!
dr120407 -- My wife and kids just left for a few hours. It's fun to think about all the things I could do today! - I could take a nap or watch sports or eat a bucket of ice cream! - I could go for a walk or hit golf balls or go to the hardware store,
dr120407 -- or... - WE'RE BACK! Boy, time flies!
dr120408 -- Hello, doctor. This is Ralph Drabble... - I'm calling because I'm not feeling well. - I don't know...I just feel kind of lousy and blah. I don't feel comfortable. What should I do? - Uh-huh...OK, I will. Thank you? - What did he tell you to
dr120408 -- do? - Take two Aspirin and put on a pair of sweatpants!
dr120409 -- Well? Well what? - How did you like my recipe for creamed spinach souffle? - I must say, it tasted great! - Good boy! I must say it, or else!
dr120410 -- "Husband". That makes it easy1 - Happy anniversary, honeybunch! - Ralph, you bought me a card that says "To the Man I Married"! I did? - You need to READ the cards before you buy them! When the sign on the rack says "husband", I thought it
dr120410 -- meant husbands should buy these!
dr120411 -- The world is yours, son. - you can do anything you can put your mind to! There is nothing to fear but fear itself! - Never give up! Winners never quit! - My philosophy is to keep talking on my kids and hope something sinks in eventually.
dr120412 -- Oh, hi! - Just a second. - Here you go! Grrr! - Looks like our mobile cat groomer has had a rough week!
dr120413 -- When I was a kid, they told us things would be better in the 21st century. - They lied. - What's dad so upset about? - He set the DVR to record "American Idol", and it stopped before he saw who got voted off! They also lied about all of us
dr120413 -- having a jet pack!
dr120414 -- - - - Toning you abs? No, I'm just trying to get out of this dumb chair!
dr120415 -- Here you go, Ralph! - For ME?? Happy Birthday! - Hey, is this what I THINK it is??! - Honeybunch, I LOVE it!! - This is the best gift EVER! - A quilt made out of my old sweatpants!
dr120416 -- Nice! I found a pork rind! - It doesn't matter how long they've been lost in the cushions... - They still taste pretty good! I'll remember that! - Some things you learn only from your dad!
dr120417 -- I don't understand it. - It kind of bugs me. - Dogs are man's best friend! - So how come your place is cooler than mine? Women do the shopping!
dr120418 -- Norman, those are YESTERDAY'S TV listings! - I know. I like to see what I missed! - Dang! I would've LIKED to have seen THIS show! - Some people are gluttons for punishment!
dr120419 -- Hey! It's What's-His-Name! - 9th Place - I won five dollars! I won five dollars!! - Some people have delusions of grandeur. I have delusions of mediocrity!
dr120420 -- I'm home! Hi, dad! - How's my little girl?! - Some day you'll be too big for me to pick up and toss in the chair. - I a few years, I'll be lucky if I can toss a salad! * * *
dr120421 -- meow meow meow! All right, I'll feed you... - Hey, you've got plenty of food, you dumb cat! - You can't have more just because it's been sitting around all day! - Eat that first! What am I? Some kind of animal?
dr120422 -- - - ...15...16...17 bubbles! - GE GET 'EM WALLY! - SNARF! SNARF! SNARF! pop! pop! pop! pop! pop! SNARF pop! - None of them touched the ground! A clean sweep! At the Wiener Dog Academy, my record was 25!
dr120423 -- - - - Every time I look in the mirror, I see a strange-looking old man! And your point is...?
dr120424 -- text text text ...Sigh... - text text te.. AHEM!! - Oh, sorry! - Texting in the buffet line should be a misdemeanor!
dr120425 -- - - - It's a buffet! I can go back as many times as I want! That makes eleven!
dr120426 -- ...Sigh... - Our kids spend so much time texting and playing games... - How can we reduce their dependence on modern technology? - Maybe there's an app for that!
dr120427 -- I get the feeling that you and Mr. Steinbauer don't get along. - We don't. - But you know the old saying: "Good fences make for good neighbors." - Barbed wire helps, too!
dr120428 -- Congratulate me, honeybunch! - I have given up donuts again! - - Fine. See if I bother to tell her the NEXT time I give up donuts!
dr120429 -- - Go get 'em, Wally! - pop! snarf! pop! snarf! pop! snarf! pop! pop! snarf! pop! snarf - Good job, Wally! You got 'em all! - I'd like to see you try to improve on that! Watch. - SLASH! CLAW! SLICE! SLASH! - Yawn!
dr120430 -- YIPES!! - When did we get a high-definition MIRROR?? About the same time you got a high-definition FACE!
dr120501 -- - * - One of my better ideas! When your father gets an idea, it's a REFRIGERATOR light bulb that goes on in his head!
dr120502 -- The expiration date on this week was last week. - Oh, well...that's not the only old thing in my stomach! - So far today, I've had day-old bread, leftover pizza and expired milk. - I feel like a human time capsule!
dr120503 -- - - What's for dinner? Macaroni and cheese! - She finishes my sentences before I can even START them!
dr120504 -- Hardware Store - - Perfect! Most people don't put a welcome mat in front of the refrigerator! Most people don't visit it as often as he does!
dr120505 -- Fast-forward...fast-forward... - STOP!! - Dang! Fast-forward again! - I hate it when you speed through the commercials and they make it look like the show is about to start again, but instead it's another commercial!
dr120506 -- Hey, I found a dollar! - Wait a minute... - Whenever I find money on the ground, I worry that it's a prank! - It's probably glued to the ground and I'm being video-taped, and when I try to pick it up I'll make a fool of myself. - And before
dr120506 -- you know it, I'll be all over the Internet! - Hey, a dollar! - - Yup, that's me. I can't believe you fell for the old "don't-picj-it-up-because-it-might-be-glued-to-the-ground" trick!
dr120507 -- I'm excited to go to a major league baseball game, Norman! Me too, Echo! - Maybe they'll put us on the "kiss cam"! - There are so many people here! I hope you can find your car after the game! I worried about that, too... - So I left the
dr120507 -- headlights on! Why didn't *I* think of that?!
dr120508 -- Tonight's game is a sellout, Norman! - How did you get the tickets? I bought them from a scalper! - Right this way, ma'am! Your seat is down on the field-level! Nice! - And your seat is in the upper deck! WHAT?!!
dr120509 -- Can you see me, Echo? I'm in the last row! - Yeah! I can't believe our seats are in different sections! - I guess I should've looked more closely before I bought the tickets! - That scalper seemed like such a nice guy!
dr120510 -- How do you like your seat, Norman? - I hate it because it's not next to YOUR seat! - ...it's also in the top row of the upper deck, and my view is obstructed by the foul pole. - And I'm sitting between two drunken fans who are rooting for
dr120510 -- different teams! - With my luck, this game will go extra innings!
dr120511 -- I seem to be sitting in the PWDY section! - That's too bad! Everyone around me is very nice! - The view is great from here! It sure is! - TALL THAT GUY NEXT TO YOU TO KEEP HIS EYES ON THE GAME!
dr120512 -- I'm in the top deck and you're down below! I can't believe I paid for seats that aren't together! - I'm really sorry, Echo! I feel like I've ruined our date! - If it makes you feel better, I'm having a nice time anyway! - Why would that make
dr120512 -- me feel better?
dr120513 -- Happy mother's day, Honeybunch! - Thank you, Ralph! What a nice card! - Did you read it? - Of course I read it! How else would I know which card to buy you? - What did it say? - "USA $2.99, Canada $3.99"
dr120514 -- Norman, guess what! The guy next to me caught a foul ball and GAVE it to me! - That's what *I* wanted to do!! I wanted to catch a ball and give it to YOU and be a HERO! That's why I brought my GLOVE!! - Instead, I'm sitting between two
dr120514 -- drunks in the last row of the upper deck! - The only thing I'm going to catch up here is PNEUMONIA! He didn't bring a glove. He caught it bare-handed!
dr120515 -- I bought baseball tickets for Echo and me, but the seats weren't together! Pucker Up! It's the KISS CAM - She's downstairs next to a guy who's flirting with her, and I'm in the upper deck between two drunks! - It can't get much worse than
dr120515 -- this! - I stand corrected! KISS CAM *
dr120516 -- I can't believe it!! - Echo's on the 'Kiss Cam' with that guy who's been flirting with her!! KISS CAM - Is she going to kiss him?? What's going to happen??? - STOP DOING THE WAVE! I CAN'T SEE!!
dr120517 -- WHAT HAPPENED?! I COULDN'T SEE! DID SHE KISS HIM?? - !!* That girl on the kiss cam! Did she kiss him??! @*!!! - WILL YOU DRUNKS SHUT UP AND GET A LIFE!!! - Just kidding!
dr120518 -- Did you just call us DRUNKS? I don't recall. Hic! - ALL RIGHT, BREAK IT UP! Thank goodness! Security has arrived! LET'S GO, TROUBLEMAKER! ME?? I'm not the DRUNK! All I've had is a FROZEN MALT!
dr120519 -- Hello, Echo? I'm embarrassed to tell you they just threw me out of the stadium! - I told off those obnoxious drunks, and got ejected for causing a disturbance! - That's OK, Norman. I got thrown out, too! WHY??! - When that guy tried to kiss
dr120519 -- me on the 'Kiss Cam', I punched him in the nose!
dr120520 -- So, what do you do, young man? I'm a student. - snip snip snip! - snip snip! snip snip! - So, what do YOU do for a living? - I'm a barber. - Oh, yeah, huh! - snip snip! I've never been good at making small talk!
dr120521 -- I'd like a haircut, please! Have you been here before? - No. Please fill out a customer information card. - Name? Address? Phone number? E-Mail? Good grief! - I want a HAIRCUT, not a LOAN!
dr120522 -- Polecat Little League ...Sigh... - chirp chirp! - Look alive out there! - Well, you don't like it when I yell at him!
dr120523 -- There! I just adjusted the clock on your dashboard! Why?? - It was an hour off! You never changed it for daylight saving time a couple of months ago! - So what? I always knew what time it was because I knew it was one hour later than what the
dr120523 -- clock said! - Well, now the time is correct! But now I'll always be an hour EARLY for everything!!
dr120524 -- Norman, why did you change the clock in my car?? - It was an hour slow! You never reset it for daylight saving time two months ago! - Why bother to do that?? - It was going to be correct again in four months!
dr120525 -- I wish you hadn't changed the clock, Norm! - But it was an hour slow! The correct time is *3:00§, not *2:00*! - Yeah, except now it says it's three AM instead of three PM! - I don't know how to change the AM and PM! My clock used to be an
dr120525 -- hour off. Now it's TWELVE hours off!
dr120526 -- Summer is only three months long, dad... - What's taking so long? Mom said you had plenty of hot air! - You should've started around easter! I work faster without an audience.
dr120527 -- Honeybunch? - Honeybunch? - Where is she?? - I can never find her when I need her! - Maybe she's not even home! - There's one sure-fire way to find out... - rustle rustle - Stay out of those potato chips! Never fails!
dr120528 -- Interesting. This can of cake frosting is only 100 calories per serving. - There are 13 servings in this can. If I ate it for a midnight snack, it would be 1,300 calories! - This other can is *140* calories per serving. That's a big
dr120528 -- difference! - It's important to read the nutritional information if you're serious about losing weight!
dr120529 -- Snacking AGAIN?? You've been eating a lot today, Ralph! - I eat when I'm worried. - I have a lot hanging over my head these days! - You have a lot hanging over your BELT, too!
dr120530 -- Honeybunch, here's an article from the paper you might be interested in... - "Building a better backside"?? - They show exercises to tone your keister! - Another reason newspapers are superior to the Internet: computers hurt when you get hit
dr120530 -- with one!
dr120531 -- CRACK! - IT'S A FLY BALL TO PATRICK IN RIGHT! - text text text - It used to be, when a kid was "all thumbs" in the outfield, it meant something way different!
dr120601 -- My new driver's license finally arrived! - Hey, there's been a mistake! They put the wrong photo on it! - This is an ugly old fat bald guy!! - Oh, yeah, huh! You're not completely bald!
dr120602 -- Where's the cream cheese your mom asked me to buy? - Actually, dad, she asked you to buy LOW-FAT cream cheese! - Yeah, I know... - But if I do things right, she'll gin confidence in me and start asking me all sorts of things!
dr120603 -- Please empty your pockets and remove your shoes and belts! - Why on earth do we have to go to so much trouble?!! It's all about safety, sir! - Trained security personnel carefully screen each and every passenger before we let them through to
dr120603 -- board the plane! - If we notice any odd or suspicious behavior, that person will be denied entry, and detained for questioning. - GANGWAY! I'M FLYING! I'M FLYING! - How come you let HIM go through? - He's the pilot!
dr120604 -- I love being on the golf course. It's so peaceful and quiet! - WHACK! - CRACK! BONK! SMACK AAUGHH! SPLOOSH - Most of the time!
dr120605 -- - SPLOOSH! Darn! I'm in the lake again! - Cheer up. It happens to the best of us! - It happens to the worst of us more often!
dr120606 -- Uh-oh! That ball is WAY out of bounds! - It went way up into the mountains! - OK, let's go find it! - My dad is the only person I know who needs snow chains on his golf cart! clank clank
dr120607 -- Robert Frost was right... - There's something to be said for taking the road less traveled! - Shut up and help me look for my ball!
dr120608 -- Great drive, dad! Right down the middle of the fairway! - CRACK! - The one time my ball doesn't hit a tree, a tree hits my ball! I can't believe it just fell over!
dr120609 -- Did you play well today, Ralph? - Did I WHAT?? - WAP WAP - Sorry, I had sand in my ears! I'll take that as a "no".
dr120610 -- ARRRGGH! - I hate having to step over that stupid doggie gate! - Can I make a suggestion? - If you remove the gate, you won't have to step over it any more! - And then I'd also be able to go in that room any time I wanted to sleep on the new
dr120610 -- couch or shred magazines! - The gate stays. - People are supposed to be very smart, but I just don't see it!
dr120611 -- - - It should be easier to stick to my diet now that I've thrown out all the junk food! - When mom's on a diet, EVERYONE'S on a diet!
dr120612 -- I'm so disappointed! I just can't lose any weight! I've exercised and skipped meals and I've done everything I'm supposed to do, but so far I haven't lost an ounce! - I can't figure it out! What on earth am I doing wrong? I try and try to eat
dr120612 -- healthy food and I get... Apparently, TALKING doesn't burn up calories!
dr120613 -- I'm so proud of myself! The scale says I've lost five pounds! - I know my dieting has been hard on you all, so tonight we'll celebrate with a pizza! Yes! - But no dessert! Five pounds isn't that much! - I KNEW I should've turned that scale
dr120613 -- back a few more pounds!
dr120614 -- Do you still have that book you were telling me about? Hang on, mother. I'll go check! - - YIKES! What an awful screensaver!! - ?
dr120615 -- Bye, mom! It was good to talk to you again! Bye, June! - Isn't modern technology amazing?? - I can now talk face-to-face with loved ones who are thousands of miles away! - Or, in your mom's case, SEVEN miles away. Just be glad I didn't make
dr120615 -- you go over there!
dr120616 -- Can I have ten bucks, dad? Sure. - Dad, can I have ten dollars, please? Sure, Patrick! - Daddy, can I please have twenty dollars? Sure, Penny! - She always buys me the nicest father day's gift!
dr120617 -- We're back, dad! - Where did you go today? - We had a picnic in the park, went on a nature hike, saw the flower fields, and then went over to Aunt Betty's house for dinner. - What did YOU do all day, dad? - Not much, I watched sports on TV,
dr120617 -- ate chips and junk, then took a nap! - Basically, I just sat around all by myself in my underwear all day. - Thanks for making this the best father's day ever!! Glad you enjoyed yourself!
dr120618 -- ...Sigh... - I think I can now officially call myself a renaissance man. - That's because I look like I'm about five hundred years old!
dr120619 -- MOM! - MOM! - MOTHER! JUNE! HONEYBUNCH! - meow. - Did my kitty just call me?
dr120620 -- - - How on earth do you get your shoes on and off without untying them?? - Years of practice! ...and laziness!
dr120621 -- Hi, Norman. I just called because I was thinking of you. - You were thinking of ME, Wendy? Why?? Today is the longest day of the year... - Which always reminds me of the time you took me on a date to your grandma's house to watch home movies!
dr120621 -- - Talk about a LONG DAY! It's nice to know she thinks of me once a year!
dr120622 -- WHACK! - TWELVE!!! - Aren't you supposed to yell FORE?? - Yeah, but now I'm covered for three bad shots!
dr120623 -- - OW! - HEY, WATCH WHERE YOU AIM THOSE THINGS! - That boy really needs to toughen up!
dr120624 -- It was a nice evening, so honeybunch said... - I have an idea, Ralph! Let's get some exercise and walk to the store! - WALK?? I don't want to walk to the store!! - You always buy a lot of stuff, and I'll have to carry a bunch of heavy old
dr120624 -- bags all the way home! - I promise I won't buy much! - See? All I'm buying is a birthday card! - So how are you doing with that heavy old bag of yours?! - We seem to be doing pretty good, don't we, honeybunch?! smooch! - ...and then it got
dr120624 -- ugly.
dr120625 -- Ralph, we'll be having dinner in ten minutes! - OK, thanks for telling me, honeybunch! - Why did you make a SANDWICH? - I didn't eat lunch today, and I figured out it was now or never!
dr120626 -- It's weird...we've had this grandfather's clock for years. - It chimes all the time, but I never hear it because I'm so used to it! - Ralph, I've told you over and over, when you put your dirty socks in the hamper, make sure they're
dr120626 -- inside-out! - Did someone just say something?
dr120627 -- Souvenirs Son, make sure you marry a woman with a common first name! - How come, dad? - Wherever you go, you'll always be able to buy her one of these souvenir keychains! - Here we go-"June". My anniversary shopping is done!
dr120628 -- Son, if you want to play like a real NBA star, you need to practice! - OK, show me what you can do! - AAAUGHH! - Nice flop! Now give me ten more!
dr120629 -- - - ? - Why do you even bother to put ice cream in a bowl? It's not polite to eat out of the carton!
dr120630 -- Welcome to PSYCHIC BURGER! May I guess your order, please? Sure! - You'd like two cheeseburgers, one order of fries, one onion ring, and two large root beers! - You got it! That'll be $11.25 at the window, please! - Uh-oh! I forgot my wallet!
dr120630 -- I KNEW it!!
dr120701 -- I'm home! - Where have you been, honeybunch? - I went to the beauty shop! - - So what happened? Couldn't they take you? - Enjoy your night on the couch! I meant, because you weren't GONE for long! I mean, not that you'd NEED to be gone for
dr120701 -- long! I mean...good night.
dr120702 -- Dad! I got a summer job! I'm an actor! An actor?? - You tried that last summer when you landed a role at the PAGEANT OF THE PAINTERS! - You portrayed Washington crossing the Delaware! All you had to do was stand still for 90 seconds. It was a
dr120702 -- disaster! - It's not MY fault my cell phone rang! No, but you didn't have to ANSWER it!
dr120703 -- I got an acting job at the Murder Mystery Diner Theater, dad! What's that? - People come for dinner, but the waiters and some of the guests are really actors! - during the meal, a murder is discovered, and a "whodunit" unfolds. Everyone is a
dr120703 -- suspect! - Doesn't that sound like fun? Depends what they're having for dinner?
dr120704 -- The Mystery Diner Theatre is fun, dad! Actors pose as ordinary customers... - During the meal, a 'whodunit' unfolds! Everyone is a suspect! - I play TROY, the handsome newlywed who is madly in love with his new bride. - ...or IS he? (insert
dr120704 -- ominous music here).
dr120705 -- So, you're playing a newlywed husband? That's right, dad. - Who plays your wife? I don't know. I'm going to meet her this afternoon! - I hope she's pretty! In the script, she gives me a big kiss! - WENDY?? Can I trade roles with someone?
dr120706 -- Beverly, my darling... - Thank you for marrying me! - I'm the yuckiest man in the world! - Wait...I think that's supposed to be LUCKIEST! You were right the first time.
dr120707 -- So, where is the dinner theater you're going to be performing at? - It's on a BOAT! The show takes place during a harbor cruise! - That should be interesting... - Considering you get SEASICK! Whatever! The show must go on!
dr120708 -- 555-3629! 555-3629! - Hi, honeybu... Don't say anything, Ralph! I'm trying to remember a phone number! - 444-3629! 555-3629! What FOR? - 555-362*4*! I just wanted to tell you that I already ATE! - 555-362*8*! The had a deal at the Taco Place!
dr120708 -- TWO-FOR-ONE! - 555-3*241*! This is kind of fun!
dr120709 -- This murder dinner mystery cruise will be so much fun, Ralph! - Some of the diners are really actors, and during the meal, a mystery will unfold. - Half the fun is trying to figure out who the actors are! - I'm already a little suspicious
dr120709 -- of the astronaut!
dr120710 -- It's about time for us to go on, Norman! do you know your lines? - Yes, but should we rehearse the kissing scene, Wendy? NO! - By the way, can I have a breath mint? Sure, but you don't need it! - I know. here!
dr120711 -- Do you know all your lines, Norman? You have the main part-you play the murderer! - Norman? Are you OK? Is it my imagination, or is the boat rocking? - The waves are choppy. Let's go! I hear our cue! I'm getting seasick! - WHY WOULD YOU TAKE
dr120711 -- A JOB AS AN ACTOR ON A CRUISE IF YOU GET SEASICK??! Come to think of it, I also get strage fright!
dr120712 -- Ohh...I don't feel so good! I just heard our cue! We're on!! - I'm too seasick! I can't go on! You're the murderer! You HAVE to go on!! - One way or another, you're going out there!! - Oh, look, darling! There's our table! Don't I have an
dr120712 -- understudy?
dr120713 -- Norman looks kind of sickly! I'm sure it's all part of the act! - Hello, everyone! We just got married! - Kiss me, darling! Tell me you're as happy as I am! - Bleah! Boy, he's a good actor! What kind of dinner show is this??
dr120714 -- Norman, it's YOU LINE! Say something! - Ladies, and gentlemen, I have a confession to make! I am the murderer! - I can no longer carry this secret. I have a very guilty conscience, even though I'm just an actor! - I hope you enjoyed our
dr120714 -- murder mystery harbor cruise! They haven't even served the entree yet!
dr120715 -- - - - - TEE-SHIRTS - My other dog is a Rottweiler
dr120716 -- rumble squeak squeak - Here you go, dad! - I meant, bring me a washer LIKE THIS! - Oh, sorry. Besides, that's a dryer!
dr120717 -- Donuts - Nope! - I can't believe I had the willpower to not go ion! - This donut patch really works!
dr120718 -- - Wouldn't that pool be more fun if there was WATER in it? - There was water in it when I got in!
dr120719 -- Hello, pizza delivery? This is Ralph Drabble. - I'd like to order two large pizzas with the works! - Bring one at four o'clock and the other at ten o_clock. - My prescription says to take with food!
dr120720 -- - SPLOOSH! - - I wonder if cats ever get embarrassed? I'm guessing no.
dr120721 -- ...Sigh... - I'm getting old. - I used to think youth was wasted on the young. - Now I think middle age is wasted on the middle-aged!
dr120722 -- This is a very bumpy ride! - Look! I can't put my lipstick on straight, like I usually can in the car! - And I can't sign a birthday card legibly if I'm running late for the party, like I usually am! - And the way this seat is positioned, I
dr120722 -- can't reach over and honk the horn like I usually do! - No, this will never work! - How was the test drive? Apparently, this is not the car for us! - Also, it needs to be a brighter color so I can find it i the bulk club parking lot!
dr120723 -- ...Sigh... - I'm fat and balding and silly-looking! - I'm not the man I used to be! - Who do you think you used to be, exactly?
dr120724 -- I'm here to see Dr. Mercy! - Sign in, please! - Can you sign me in? I think my hand is broken! - Actually, I just didn't want to use the same pen all these sick people signed in with!
dr120725 -- First you go to the waiting room where you wait and wait and wait. - Then they finally come get you... - And take you to a little exam room where you wait and wait and wait some more. - On the bright side, there have probably been many
dr120725 -- advances in medical science since I've been here!
dr120726 -- Nothin is scarier than waiting for test results from your doctor. - If I'm OK, I promise to lead a healthier lifestyle! I'll never revert to my old ways again! - Good news, Mr. Drabble. You're fine! YES!! - GREASEBURGER
dr120727 -- The worst part about getting a shot from the doctor isn't the needle... - It's pulling off the bandage afterward! Just yank it and get it over with! People with hairy arms shouldn't get shots! Tie it to the ceiling fan, like you did with my
dr120727 -- loose tooth!
dr120728 -- chirp chirp! Good night, Patrick! - ** Good night, Penny! - vvvpp vvvppp! Good night, Norman! - There's something kind of comforting about the sound of your kids texting at night!
dr120729 -- Places our kids have discovered that they can't send a text from -> - Remote Sections of National Parks - Cruise Ships - The Parking Lot Elevator at the Mall - Driving on I-5 Through Scenic Virgin River Gorge - The Second Waterfall in the
dr120729 -- "Pirates of the Caribbean" Ride - The Back Row at Church
dr120730 -- Follow me, Wally! It's time for your bath! - I said FOLLOW ME! - - Go! I always like to get a second opinion!
dr120731 -- What smells so good in here? - It's my new scented candle. It smells like apple pie! - I love having scented candles around the house! - The only problem is your dad keeps trying to eat them!
dr120801 -- - - - I HATE it when you drive!! Why go over speed bumps when you can go AROUND them?
dr120802 -- Don't sit outside beside the glass door and look sad! - The door is OPEN! You just have to walk over here and come in! - ...Sigh... Oh yeah, huh! Score another point for cats!
dr120803 -- chirp! chirp! - Never buy a used car with bald tires. - ? - Nowadays, I don't call my kids into the den to give them fatherly advice, I just send a text!
dr120804 -- SMOOCH * - CLANK! - SPLOOSH! - It always feels a little better knowing I kissed it good bye!
dr120805 -- Excuse me! Is that your ball? - Yup! That's mine! Congratulations! You're closest to the pin! - The golfer who lands closest to the pin on the 16th hole today wins a gift certificate! - Nobody's going to beat that! Way to go! - Thank you! -
dr120805 -- WHACK! - Unfortunately, I teed-off from the 11th!
dr120806 -- I brought a raft for the pool, Ralph! - Here, throw away the boy! - Do I have to? - Well, what if you need to return it or something?
dr120807 -- RING! RING! - RING! RING! - Dang! Whoever it was hung up! People should be more considerate! - Let the phone ring enough for me to see who it is, so I can decide if I want to answer it or not!
dr120808 -- I left my husband alone with the kids all day. - I know what to expect when I get home... - Clothes on backwards, mismatched socks, dirty hands... - And that's just my husband! Thank goodness you're home!
dr120809 -- GAS - Help - How can I help you? - I'm afraid I forgot my anniversary! Some things I can't help you with!
dr120810 -- - I can't open this! - pop! Thanks. - Sometimes an man just needs to take matters into his wife's hands!
dr120811 -- SALE - I need to buy a few more golf balls! - Mr, Drabble, how many times do I have to tell you to STAY ON THE CART PATH!
dr120812 -- I'm back from the magic shop, Ralph! OK, No-Neck! - Make your place and I'll make the announcement! - Attention, passengers: we apologize for the delay here at the security checkpoint! - Our body scanner is malfunctioning. - Therefore we will
dr120812 -- have to use some alternative x-ray equipment. - Everyone please stand up and walk slowly past officer No-Neck! X-Ray Specs
dr120813 -- "Genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration." - So is your father! ...Sigh...
dr120814 -- squeak squeak squeaky -  squeaky squeaky squeak squeak squeaky squeak - squeak squeak squeak squeaky squeak - The new dog toy appears to be a hit! Wally is very easy to shop for!
dr120815 -- Sir, we'll need to do a pat-down inspection before you board the plane. - We realize this is not a popular procedure... - So we offer you a choice of 3 different pat-down styles! - Would you prefer the "patty-cake," the "alley-oop," or the
dr120815 -- "shake-n'-bake"? Surprise me.
dr120816 -- Guess what, honeybunch! My fellow airport security screeners are having their annual award banquet on Saturday! - The "pat-down" guys have awards? You betch' - What are they called? The "FRISKIES"!
dr120817 -- I've never been to an awards banquet for airport security screeners. - What should I wear? It's formal. - All screeners wear black latex gloves!
dr120818 -- This is amazing! The airport security scanners went all out on their awards banquet! - How many times do you get to walk on a RED CARPET? - In my case, every day! Oh, yeah...the donut shop considers you a V.I.P.! Welcome to the 2012 FRISKY
dr120818 -- Awards
dr120819 -- Son, you can tall a lot about a man by where he keeps his sunglasses. - Huh?? Take that guy, for instance... - He puts his sunglasses on top of his head. That shows insecurity. He's afraid to move them too far from his face! - This guy hangs
dr120819 -- them on the front of his shirt. That shows confidence! - This man puts them on the back of his collar. That means he's hiding something! - He puts them in his shirt pocket. That indicates organization and intelligence! - Where do you put YOUR
dr120819 -- sunglasses, dad? - In my back pocket!
dr120820 -- There it is, honeybunch! The FRISKY AWARD Trophy! - It's presented to the Airport Screener of the Year! - A bronzed rubber glove?? - It would look great above our fireplace! Or IN it!
dr120821 -- Do you think you'll win the award, Ralph? Probably not. - I've never won an award. - The closest I ever came was getting my tenderfoot badge in cub scouts. - But I had to return it when my pinewood derby car was disqualified for exceeding the
dr120821 -- weight limit! I'm glad you've gotten over it!
dr120822 -- They're about to announce the winner, Ralph! Maybe it'll be YOU! No chance, honeybunch! - I'm not the kind of guy who wins awards. I never get any respect. And the winner is... - ...not RALPH DRABBLE! THAT'S ME! THAT'S ME! THAT'S... -
dr120822 -- Wait...what? You have to admit that was pretty funny!
dr120823 -- And the winner of the Airport Security Screener Award is...NO-NECK! YES!! - Thank you! I am humbled to receive this award! - I'll put it next to my Mall Cop of the Year award and my Security Guard of the Year Award! - OH YEAH! WHO DA MAN?!!
dr120823 -- Yeah, that seems to have humbled him!
dr120824 -- Thank you for this award, but there is a man who deserves it more than I do. - A man who is overlooked year after year, but is a shining example of professionalism! - It's high time we recognize him and give him the credit he deserves... -
dr120824 -- SPANKY HERRERA! TAKE A BOW, SPANKY! ...Sigh... CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP
dr120825 -- ...and in conclusion, I'd like to acknowledge the other person... - He is one of the best airport security screeners around! He taught me everything I know... - RALPH DRABBLE! At last, some recognition! - Unfortunately, No-Neck's speech was
dr120825 -- so long, everyone else went home! Give him a big hand!
dr120826 -- Hi, mom! It's me! - I just wanted to call and say thank you for the wonderful birthday gifts! - I love the shirt that says "I'm with stupid". - And ate "I'm with stupid" cap. - The "I'm with stupid" apron is a riot... drum drum drum - And so
dr120826 -- is the "I'm with stupid" mug! - I must say, you're very easy to shop for! I know, but still... - This is why the concept of MOTHER-IN-LAWS DAY will never catch on!
dr120827 -- I've come down to the pawn shop today to try to sell a rare item! - Hello! I have a rare historical artifact that I would be willing to sell for the right price! - It is so valuable, I locked it inside this briefcase, and handcuffed it to my
dr120827 -- wrist! - Unfortunately, I also locked the keys inside, so you'll have to take my word for it! They all come here.
dr120828 -- So, what did you want to sell? I have in my possession the signature of Abraham Lincoln! - If it's authentic, it could be quite valuable! It's authentic, all right! - Is it signed in a book? Or on a letter? Or on a document of some kind?
dr120828 -- Even better... - He signed a baseball!
dr120829 -- What would make you think that Abraham Lincoln signed a baseball? - He probably threw out the first pitch at a Washington Nationals game! - The Washington Nationals weren't around when Lincoln was president! Oh, yeah, huh! - Then it must have
dr120829 -- been the Washington Senators!
dr120830 -- Where did you get this baseball signed by Abraham Lincoln? I bought it at a garage sale! - I immediately recognized the historical significance, and I negotiated the price down to $250! - I've never seen Lincoln's signature on a major league
dr120830 -- baseball! - I've also never seen it signed with a ballpoint pen! The value keeps rising!
dr120831 -- So you paid $250 at a garage sale for a baseball signed by ABRAHAM LINCOLN?? - That's right, and I'll sell it to you right now for $100,000! - Do you mind if I call in a buddy of mineto look at it? Is he a handwriting expert? - No, but he
dr120831 -- could use a good laugh! Make it snappy before my price goes up!
dr120901 -- I hate to tell you, but this baseball was NOT signed by Abraham Lincoln. WHAT?? - It HAS to be real! I paid $250 for it at a garage sale!! - Trust me, Abraham Lincoln NEVER signed this baseball! DANG! - I was afraid to ask him about my hockey
dr120901 -- puck signed by General Custer!
dr120902 -- I weigh exactly 249 pounds. - Hand me a donut, Norm! - I still weigh 249 pounds. - Hand me another one! - Still 249. Hand me another! - 249. One more! - *250*! OK, take one back! - I can eat three donuts without gaining a pound! You're so
dr120902 -- careful about what you eat, I'm surprised you never lose weight!
dr120903 -- Today is traditionally the last day of summer! - It's still warm. I hate to deflate the pool! - What do you think, honeybunch? Is it time to say goodbye to summer? - * It's the most wonderful time... * I'll take that as a "yes".
dr120904 -- chirp chirp! - Good luck to my kids in school this year. - chirp chirp! - some of them will need lot more than others. I'm kind of sorry I taught my dad how to tweet!
dr120905 -- Whenever I see one of these blood pressure machines, I use it! - Dang! It's a little higher than usual! - The car mechanic's waiting room might not be the best place for this! Bad news! It's gonna be another $300!
dr120906 -- chirp chirp! - - Why did you look at this text? Turn off your phone in class!! - A parent's work is never done!
dr120907 -- - HAS IT BEEN 30 MINUTES YET? - When the doctor told you to spend a half hour each day on the treadmill, he meant with it TURNED ON!
dr120908 -- Let's go, Wally! You need a bath! - Why? - You smell like a dog! - What am I SUPPOSED to smell like, a bicycle?
dr120909 -- POPULAR TEE SHOT Compliments (in descending order) - 1. Beautiful drive! Right down the middle! - 2. Not a bad drive! - 3. That'll work! - 4. At least you're on the fairway! - 5. Don't worry. We'll find it! - 6. I hope that ball knows how to
dr120909 -- swim! - 7. We've got time. Hit another! - 8. Have you ever considered bowling?
dr120910 -- Here's an interesting fact... - Ralph, listen to this... - A big meal will temporarily make our sense of hearing less sharp! - EH?
dr120911 -- boodle-dee-oop! ...Sigh... - - Hmmmno text message! - I need to pick a new text alert that doesn't sound like a noise my stomach makes. burble-urble!
dr120912 -- Today is Wednesday... - So I open the compartment that ways "W"... - And there's my daily dosage! - Dad's the only person I know who keeps M&M's in a pill box! munch munch!
dr120913 -- WHIRRRRR! - WHIRRRRR! - You dumb cat! There's no reason to be afraid of a VACUUM CLEANER!! -
dr120914 -- - - - - BUFFET Please Use a Clean Plate! I will if I can find one!
dr120915 -- You've been drinking a lot of sodas, Norm! - There's a recycling machine at the supermarket that gives you 5c per can! - The more cans we empty, the more money we make! psschht! - This explains his grade in economics! Mom! You need to go buy
dr120915 -- more soda again!
dr120916 -- - push! push! push! -  push! push! push! push! push! push! push! push! push! - ...Sigh... - Excuse me... - push - blink! - That's gonna bug me all day!
dr120917 -- ...Sigh... - There's only one thing worse than shopping at bulk club with all three of my kids on a crowded afternoon... - And that's shopping with my husband! - Wait, why do we need three big rolls of tape?
dr120918 -- Shopping at Bulk Club with my husband can be a trying experience! - Ralph! Stop touching things! - Get back here where you belong! - Now I understand why the carts at Bulk Club are larger!
dr120919 -- Here, Ralph. Have a hot dog and a soda! - Sit there and enjoy your lunch, and I'll come back to get you! - That's the reason there's a food court in Bulk Club-wives can shop in peace! - I'm done. GO BACK AND GET A CHURRO!
dr120920 -- Get me a sack of flour, please, Ralph! - Wow, that's heavy! - Hey, bring back that cart!! Meet me in the procure department!
dr120921 -- Turn down this aisle, Ralph! - shuffle! shuffle! shuffle! - You're done shopping when you can no longer turn the cart! I said, turn down this aisle!
dr120922 -- There! We got it all inside the trunk! - See? I didn't buy that much stuff! I told you it would all fit! - The front tires are no longer touching the ground! Don't worry. They will when you get in!
dr120923 -- zzyzx Wake up, Wally! It's seven A.M.. - SEVEN A.M.!? - It's time to get up and start the day! - There's work to be done! So much to do, so little time! - Things to sniff! People to bark at! - What should I do first? - I know! - My first nap
dr120923 -- of the day!
dr120924 -- There are a lot of good shows on tonight, dad! - If I were you, I'd settle into my easy chair with a big bowl of popcorn... - And I wouldn't leave it, no matter what! - Please? Sorry, son, but I wouldn't miss the opportunity to embarrass
dr120924 -- my children at 'back-to-school' night!
dr120925 -- I was a big hit at back-to-school night, Patrick! - While your mom went to Penny's class, I went to yours! - I told the teacher you were the smartest kid on earth, and then I entertained her with my Jim Rome impression! - She'll never forget
dr120925 -- me! Fortunately, I gave him the wrong room number.
dr120926 -- ...or else I could go to the mall AFTER I go to the dentist. - Yes, THAT'S what I'll do! - Sometimes I just need to hear myself talk! - Too bad you're not me. I get to hear you all day long!
dr120927 -- Do you have any specials tonight for "Taco Tuesday"? - No. How come? - It's Thursday. Oh, yeah, huh. - And this is an Italian restaurant! It never hurts to ask!
dr120928 -- skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle - zzyzx! - No wonder Wally always seems so tired... - When he's not running around, he's DREAMING he's running around! skattle skattle skattle
dr120929 -- Look, Wally! I bought a stuffed toy for you! - GRRRR! - RIP! TEAR! SHREAD! - NEXT! He got 8 seconds of fun out of it!
dr120930 -- Dad, why do You wear crazy outfits on the golf course? - It gives me a competitive edge! - It creates a distraction for my opponents! Instead of concentrating on their game, they're thinking about what I'm wearing! - Take my friend No-Neck,
dr120930 -- for instance. I beat him every time we play golf! Why? Because my outrageous attire disrupts his concentration! - You just watch! I'm going to beat him today, too! - We'll see about that, Ralph!
dr121001 -- Dad, guess what! I'm a collegiate athlete! - I made the team! WHAT team? - The intramural co-ed innertube water plo team! - Our first match is Thursday at 4:00, if you'd like to come watch me! Dang! I just happen to be free at that time!
dr121002 -- Norm, why do you sign up to play on a intramural co-ed innertube water polo team? It sounded like fun, dad! - Besides, it's a great way to meet women! What woman wouldn't be impressed?
dr121003 -- Dad, I'm practicing to play goalie for the intramural co-ed innertube water polo team! - Go ahead, dad! Take your best shot! If you insist! - BAM! - Shall I take another? OK, but this time, take your third or fourth-best shot!
dr121004 -- HI, NORMAN!! ECHO!! - I didn't know you played co-ed intramural innertube water polo! I'm the other team's goalie! - Gee, I almost hate to do this... Do what? - GOOOOAALLL!!
dr121005 -- I'm sorry about that goal I scored against you, Norman! - Yeah, that was kind of unfair, Echo! - I was surprised to see you, and I got all distracted, and... - GOOOOAAALLL!! HEY!!
dr121006 -- You're a very good water polo goalie, Norman! - I'm sorry about that first goal I scored against you. You were distracted and it wasn't fair. - Neither was the SECOND goal you scored against me! - THE OTHER 15 GOALS WERE PRETTY LEGIT, THOUGH!
dr121007 -- I'll be back in a while! - Honeybunch, do you remember the time we went to a fancy party... - And afterward you realized that you had forgotten to put on your makeup... - And you were horrified that you went out in public looking so
dr121007 -- terrible... - And you told me that if you ever tried to leave the house again looking that bad, that I should tell you? - Yes. Well, I just need to say... - You look great! - Wimp. I prefer to think of myself as a survivor!
dr121008 -- I know you're excited for Halloween, but it's only October 8th! It's too early to start wearing your costume. - ...assuming that's a costume! Sorry! I just can't wait!
dr121009 -- I'm done with my shower! OK. - I need to look into the mirror before I go to work! - Not bad! - At my age, I only look in the mirror when it's fogged-up!
dr121010 -- Daddy, can we get a pumpkin? - It's still too early, Penny! - Halloween CANDY Yes! My favorite! If it's too early for a pumpkin, it's too early for Halloween candy! -
dr121011 -- And on Friday, my sister's family is coming for dinner. - Then on Saturday we're spending the day at my mother's! - BLAM! - Another stress ball bites the dust!
dr121012 -- Here, dad. Hold this! - Perfect! That can be your Halloween costume this year! - What am I supposed to be? - A "before" picture!
dr121013 -- - Can I throw away this graduation announcement from 2011? - Not yet. I keep forgetting to send a gift! - I don't know what's older: The stuff IN the refrigerator, or the stuff ON the refrigerator!
dr121014 -- I'm really looking forward to having dinner at this new restaurant, Ralph! - Uh-oh... What? - I forgot my wallet! - I guess we'll have to drive all the way home! ...Sigh... - I can't believe it! I've been doing all sorts of dumb things
dr121014 -- lately! - What's WRONG with me?? - Well, you're irresponsible, yo...tting old, you're not the brightest sp...to begin with, you're somewhat car...thinking about something stupid, you...brain called, you're embarrassingly ... clueless, you tend
dr121014 -- to space out like a...and you are very easily distracted...ax, and another thing... That probably wasn't the best question to pose to my wife!
dr121015 -- Why doesn't the ref blow the whistle?! - Steinbauer is a lousy referee.  He doesn't see a thing! - I WILL NOT TOLERATE VERBAL ABUSE FROM THE PARENTS! CONSIDER YOURSELF WARNED! - He HEARS everything, though!
dr121016 -- Bad call, ref! That's all I'm going to take from you, Ralph! - What are you going to do? Give me a yellow card? Better... - DUCT TAPE! Leave that over your mouth for 15 MINUTES! - PLAY ON! Dang! I'm going to miss the halftime snack!
dr121017 -- The soccer ref put duct tape over my mouth! How am I supposed to show my displeasure? - I'll intimidate him with my eyes! - -
dr121018 -- The ref put tape over my mouth because I was critical of his officiating! - He can't see what's happening on the field, but he can hear every comment from the sidelines! - Soccer refs compensate for their poor vision by sharpening their other
dr121018 -- senses! - I PERCEIVED THAT THOUGHT!
dr121019 -- PUT IN YOUR CONTACTS, REF!! - 15-minute duct tape penalty for Mrs. Drabble! - skrik! Uh-oh. It's been a rough game! - I don't have enough tape left to cover her entire mouth! No comment from me!
dr121020 -- Your 15-minute penalty is over! - I'll remove the tape from your mouth! - RIP! - OW! That's my favorite part!
dr121021 -- - - - - - - You'd finish a lot quicker if you'd use a rake, dad! - Id your grandma still here? Yes, she's showing everyone her vacation photos. - I'll do it this way!
dr121022 -- I like the early morning! - Honeybunch looks so peaceful when she's asleep! - I'd better be quiet! It would be a shame to wake her up and shatter such blissful tranquility. - Not hers, MINE!
dr121023 -- skattle skattle - skattle skattle - Pardon Wally. He's a little hyper! - Sometimes it's best to acknowledge the wiener dog in the room! skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle
dr121024 -- - It looked better at the pumpkin farm! - Don't tell me...please don't tell me... - She's actually exchanging a pumpkin!
dr121025 -- - - ACHOO! - Does anyone have a tissue? OH, FOR HEAVEN SAKES!
dr121026 -- - carve carve carve - We should have bought a bigger pumpkin! How come? - I've only carved one eye and I'm already running out of room!
dr121027 -- I don't know whether to eat a bowl of ice cream BEFORE I rake the leaves or AFTER. - If I eat it now, I can burn off the calories! But if you wait, you'll probably enjoy it more! - I've reached the perfect compromise! - I'll eat a bowl of ice
dr122027 -- cream while NORMAN rakes the leaves!
dr121028 -- Have you ever heard about "The Missiles of October"? Sure! - In our house, it's the MISTLETOE of October! - Can't we get past HALLOWEEN before you start putting up the CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS?
dr121029 -- I've got to hand it to you, honeybunch...I've looked all through this house and I still haven't found where you hid the Halloween candy! - Congratulations! It took many years, but I finally discovered the best place to hide something from
dr121029 -- Ralph!
dr121030 -- Trick or treat! Last year you ate all the Halloween candy before we got here, so you told us to come early this year! - Not THIS early!!
dr121031 -- Trick or treat! Sorry, kid. You're way too late! - You must be new to the neighborhood! I always eat all the candy before anyone gets here! - But here's a souvenir of your visit! - I trick-or-treated at Ralph Drabble's house and all I got was
dr121031 -- this lousy t-shirt!
dr121101 -- Thanks again for rescuing me! - Nightfall was coming and panic was setting in. I'm glad my cell phone still had reception! - At least you'll have a story to tell! Yeah, but I probably won't! I'm sure you're not the first person to call 9-1-1
dr121101 -- after getting lost in a corn maze!
dr121102 -- WALLY! - WALLY! - How come you never come when I call your name? That's my name? - I thought my name was "Wally, you dumb dog"!
dr121103 -- And another thing, when something isn't good, why do they call it CHEESY? Or a bunch of BALONEY? Or CORNY? And why is a bad actor called a HAM? - Quiet! Somebody's coming! - It's probably time to clean out the fridge when the food starts
dr121103 -- conversing!
dr121104 -- SUPERMARKET No waiting on checkstand 3! - Well! What have we here? - "You are the love of my life, my one and only..." - HEY, BOBBY! COME TAKE A LOOK AT *THIS* ONE! - OH, GIMME THAT CARD BACK!! - A guy should never take a mushy card for his
dr121104 -- wife to a male check-out clerk! - sniff! ...Sigh...
dr121105 -- ...and the contestant going home tonight is... - HEY! THE SHOW STOPPED! Not again! What happened?! - The show ran long and the DVR stopped recording! - That's reason #86 why TV was better when I was a kid! What are the other reasons, dad?
dr121105 -- Don't get him started!
dr121106 -- I can't believe it! The DVR stopped recording right before they announced which contestant was voted off! - I guess the show ran a little too long! - How on earth could the RESULTS SHOW run too long?? - There's only one minute of SHOW, and 59
dr121106 -- minutes of FILLER! Apparently, tonight they had *59.5* minutes of filler!
dr121107 -- TV was better when I was a kid! They had *TV* when you were a kid, dad? - Yes they did, and everything was better about it! - Did you have remote control? Of course I had a remote control!! - It was a long stick!
dr121108 -- TV was way better when I was a kid! - Nowadays, you never know what kind of objectionable material will appear on the screen! - When I was a kid, parents could leave their kids in front of the TV for hours on end! - And that was a GOOD
dr121108 -- thing?? Actually, my mother set a strict limit of only 12 hours a day!
dr121109 -- TV shows were better when I was a kid! Today they all rely on crude humor! - TV writers who resort to gross-out gags are admitting that they have no talent! - Excerpt from 10-25 Drabble-Ed. ACHOO! Does anyone have a tissue? Oh, for heaven's
dr121109 -- sake! I said *TV* writers, not COMIC STRIP writers!
dr121110 -- Dad, how can you say TV was better when you were a kid?! - When you were a kid, you only got to watch "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" once a year! - When it was over, you had to wait twelve months to see it again! - We can watch it
dr121110 -- over and over and over! He's got me there!
dr121111 -- Time for my annual tradition... - Every year, I try to "kick" my age. - I'm 45, so this year, I will attempt a 45-yard field goal! - So far, I've never missed! The day I can't make it is the day I'm officially an old man! - BOOT! - - - Well?
dr121111 -- Are you still young? I couldn't tell. Apparently I'm old enough to need glasses!
dr121112 -- Thank you all for coming to our neighborhood emergency preparedness team! - Every day, we hear reports of fires, floods and earthquakes. - But if we look out for each other, we might be able to withstand the next disaster! - Sorry I'm late.
dr121112 -- Where are the snacks? - Speaking of disasters! Hi, Mr. Steinbauer.
dr121113 -- Emergency Preparedness Meeting Come In! The key to preparing for an emergency is to get our neighborhood organized! - I will server as BLOCK CAPTAIN! Wait a minute! Why are YOU the block captain?? - I think *I* should be in a position of
dr121113 -- leadership! OK, Steinbauer! - You can be the BLOCKHEAD! That's more like it! Wait-what?
dr121114 -- It's important to prepare for a disaster BEFORE it happens! - What would you do if your water supply was cut off? - No problem! I've got a 100-foot hose. I'd just attach it to my neighbor's spigot, and take all the water I want! - That might
dr121114 -- not work, Steinbauer! It DOES work! How do you think I keep my water bills so low?!
dr121115 -- To prepare for a disaster, we should all have a six-month supply of food in our garage! - Do YOU have a six-month supply, Ralph? I most certainly do! - Come to think of it, it's more like a TWO-month supply! - I've been doing some snacking!
dr121115 -- No wonder you spend so much time in the garage!
dr121116 -- The key to surviving a disaster is having neighbors who care about one another! - Speaking of that, did you ever find a job, Sulpherdale? As a matter of fact, I did. - Good! Then you'll have no excuse for not buying my daughter's girl scout
dr121116 -- cookies next year! - Well, maybe YOU should buy a muzzle for your stupid dog! Whose dog are you calling stupid?!! This disaster meeting is a disaster!
dr121117 -- I'm passing around a sign-up sheet... - Every neighbor should write their name and phone number so we can contact each other in case of emergency! - I'm not going to give out personal information! I'll end up on some telemarketing list! - How
dr121117 -- do YOU suggest we contact each other after a disaster? Let's practice our screaming!
dr121118 -- WALLY - Purrrrr - Purrrrr - ROWF! - - Almost. - POOMF! - Just two inches from the ceiling! I'll have to bark louder next time!
dr121119 -- They posted the playoff schedule for intramural co-ed inntertube water polo! - Oh, no! Our team is scheduled to play Echo's team in the first round! - The last time I played goalie against Echo's team, she scored 17 goals against me! - She's
dr121119 -- pretty good! Hey, one of those goals was just LUCK!
dr121120 -- Remember, Norman, if we lose this game, we're out of the playoffs! - There's no tomorrow! It's do or die! - If you play as poorly against Echo's team as you did last time, we'll cut you from the team and never speak to you again! - Thanks for
dr121120 -- the pep talk. And we'll pop your innertube!
dr121121 -- Hey, Echo, you know how you scored 17 goals against me last game? *18*, but who's counting? - This time, don't try so hard to score on me, OK? Why?? That would be patronizing! - I'd be treating you as an inferior! You wouldn't want me to do
dr121121 -- that, would you? - Well? WOULD YOU?? I'm thinking it over!
dr121122 -- I can't believe Norman asked me to go easy on him while he plays goalie! - Why would he not want me to play to my full potential? - It's just a game! Why would... - Remember, Norman, if Echo scores another 17 goals against you, you're off the
dr121122 -- team!
dr121123 -- If I score a bunch of goals against Norman, they'll throw him off the team! - But it wrong not to play to my full potential! - SHOOT, ECHO! SHOOT!! - NICE PASS! Whew!
dr121124 -- I have a wide open shot! - If I score, Norman's tram will lose and he'll get the blame. If I DON'T shoot, everyone will know I took pity on him! - There's only one thing to do! -
dr121125 -- - - - What's wrong with you? - I'm trying to be a jerk! - Earlier you got mad at me and told me not to be a jerk, so I've been trying ever since! - It's not working! - Telling someone not to be a jerk is like telling someone not to think of a
dr121125 -- purple elephant!
dr121126 -- - I missed! How did THAT happen?? I never miss! - I won't miss next time! - CO-ed intramural innertube water polo is not for the faint of heart!
dr121127 -- I've missed two shots in a row! What's going on here?? - Could it be that I'm subconsciously afraid to score because it would make Norman look like a bad goalie? - No. - I'm CONSCIOUSLY afraid of it!
dr121128 -- Norman, I overheard your teammates tell you they'd cut you from the team if I scored a bunch of goals. - That's why I haven't been able to shoot straight today! - GOOOAAALL! - Whew! Now that I know what the problem is, I feel so much better!
dr121128 -- Crud!
dr121129 -- Oh, no! Echo is unstoppable! She scored 4 goals in 2 minutes! - If she scores again, she'll tie the game! Fortunately, there's only going to be time for one more shot! - BE READY, NORMAN! - Say what? ZING!
dr121130 -- BAM - NICE BLOCK, NORMAN! WE WON THE GAME! - What game? You have the imprint of the ball on the side of your face! - That's using your head! I still have a head?
dr120101 -- Norm! Why do you have the imprint of a water polo ball on your face? - Echo fired a last-second shot, and I blocked it with my head. - That's not even the worst part! - I also have a bad case of swim-cap hair!
dr120102 -- Klutzy - Kick in the shins Sorry. - Sore Knees *** - Knots unties - score Keister - pain Killers - first aid Kit - Keep going (even though you feel like you're gonna die!) - Kaput! You finished last, and we're out of water! - How was the 10-K
dr120102 -- run? The most Knuckle-headed things I've ever done!
dr121203 -- The marks on your face from the water polo ball are starting to fade! - Sorry I shot it so hard, but I really wanted to score another goal! - I'm very competitive, in case you hadn't noticed! OH, I've noticed! - When intramural co-ed
dr121203 -- dodgeball season rolls around, I want to be on YOUR team!
dr121204 -- It's migrating time! - It's the time of year when millions of birds are taking off for warmer climates. - I'm just sayin'. - And I'm just ignorin'.
dr121205 -- I smell rain outside! - You SMELL rain?? - That explains it... - I thought I heard some clouds a little while ago! How'd you like to feel some stars?
dr121206 -- - Darn! It's stupid-looking! - How can it be stupid-looking? YOU PICKED IT OUT!! - I picked you out, too! Good point!
dr121207 -- Dad, where are the scissors? I don't know. Why? - Mom told me to trim the Christmas tree! - She meant with ORNAMENTS! Oh yeah, huh! - That boy is a few snowflakes short of a white Christmas!
dr121208 -- - - lap lap lap lap lap - Good news, honeybunch! The tree is finally drinking water!
dr121209 -- Shoes?! - Jacket??! - Purse?!! - Where's everybody going??!! - You're not all going away and leaving me, are you?? - I hate it when you all go away! I'd be happy to go with you wherever you're going! Please don't leave me alone! - Wanna go,
dr121209 -- Wally? YES! - - You sure get excited to see your leash! "Relived" is more like it! Sweet! I finally get the house to myself!
dr121210 -- ** ...4 body scanners, 3 pat-downs, 2 beeping wands... - ...and a pair of latex gloves! ** - Can we just board the plane already?! I thought the T.S.A. holiday choir would be a bigger hit!
dr121211 -- The tree is decorated with gifts underneath. - I'd better put up the baby gate! - Aren't you embarrassed that we have to go to so much trouble to keep you from getting into things? "Embarrassed is not in a Wiener dog's vocabulary!
dr121212 -- yawn! - scratch scratch - - I miss the good old days when I still resembled a human being!
dr121213 -- Airtravel has become a night mare! - Excuse me, sir...don't you know that this is the hap-happiest time of year? Your attitude needs adjusting! - I'm afraid I'll have to issue you a holiday spirit violation! - Holiday spirit violation???
dr121213 -- You'll board the plane last. Good luck finding an overhead compartment!
dr121214 -- click! whirrr! Why did you turn on the dishwasher? - I read that the best time to run it is in the evening! - Running it during non-peak hours helps conserve energy! That's good, son... But next time, put some DISHES in it!
dr121215 -- BAM BAM BAM - CRACK CLANK CRASH CLINK CLANK - Here at the airport security Christmas party, The pinata is filled with confiscated travel items! Ooh! Tiny scissors! A bottle of shampoo! Toenail clippers!
dr121216 -- - - - - - Here. - CLOMP! - You're so impatient! Well, it took you long enough to unwrap it for me!
dr121217 -- BOP! - BOP! - BOP! - I love the holidays! BOP! - GET OUT OF THE TREE YOU DUMB CAT!
dr121218 -- - Merry Christmas From the Drabbles! - This is kind of sad! Well, everyone else gets to send photo cards from exotic locations!
dr121219 -- - - Please stop playing with Patrick's remote-controlled helicopter!
dr121220 -- We're out of wrapping paper, mom! - How am I supposed to wrap dad's gift` Find something else to wrap it with! - Like what? Anything! - How's this? Anything but saran wrap!
dr121221 -- Actually, I think it's impossible to give someone a partridge in a pear tree. However, I DO think you can give someone a pear tree with a partridge in it! - Sorry to interrupt. Carry on! - * On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to
dr121221 -- me... ** Something tells me this is going to take a while!
dr121222 -- Something wrong, Penny? - After careful examination, I see that Patrick has six presents under the tree, and I only have FIVE! - But your five gifts outweigh my six gifts by a total of 14 ounces! I wish they put this much research into their
dr121222 -- school assignments!
dr121223 -- Do you really think Santa will fill up your sweatpants, dad? - Santa and his eight tiny reindeer couldn't fill those sweatpants!
dr121224 -- Remember that go-cart I brought you back in '73? Yeah, that was my favorite gift forever! - Well, I need to get back to work! It's nice to visit with you every Christmas eve, Ralph! - Same here, Santa! It's good to know some things never
dr121224 -- change! chirp! chirp! - Dang, it's the wife! How does she expect me to text in mittens? I guess some things have changed!
dr121225 -- romp! romp! romp! - skattle skattle skattle skattle - Oh, to be a child on Christmas! Or a wiener dog!
dr121226 -- Hey, let's go outside and see if Santa's reindeer ate the carrots we left them! - THEY DID! What's that next to the plate?? - It's a home owners association VIOLATION! - Apparently, it's illegal to feed the wildlife! YOU'RE A RIOT,
dr121226 -- STEINBAUER!
dr121227 -- You sure spend a lot of time looking at that stupid smartphone! I know! - By the time I read the news, sports, Facebook, Twitter, E-Mail, texts, Instagram and Snapchat... - It's time to check it all again, so I start over! - The circle of no
dr121227 -- life!
dr121228 -- Gather round, kids! I'm wearing my fatherly advice outfit! Why do we need fatherly advice? - It's my duty! If *I* don't give you fatherly advice, who will? - How about mom? Okay! Hey! You're stretching out my sweater!
dr121229 -- Hey, you dumb cat! I have a nice, soft bed, and you don't! - pick! - RIP! -
dr121230 -- I'm finally back! - I went to the supermarket earlier to buy stuff for dinner... - But when I got home, I realized that I had forgotten to buy one key ingredient! - So I went all the way back to the store and waited in line all over again! -
dr121230 -- But at least now I have everything I need to make you a delicious dinner! - I'm not hungry. I grabbed a cheeseburger on the way home! - Why do you smell like nutmeg? I just had a can of it poured down my pants.
dr121231 -- ...3...2...1... HAPPY NEW YEAR!! - Now go to bed! - It's only 9:45! - Suddenly they can tell time! Just because we're late for school every day doesn't mean we can't tell time!
dr130101 -- Did you make any resolutions? Nope. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. - Did YOU make any resolutions? Yes, to quit barking! - BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK - That only lasted for one day! Yeah, but it's about a week in dog's years!
dr130102 -- When the family goes away, I'm afraid they'll never come home! - Who will feed me? Who will pad my head? Who will take me for walks and drives in the car? - THEY'RE BACK!! Why do dogs always get so excited when you come home?
dr130103 -- I really miss the big guy. - I miss how he used to share his pork rinds with me, and how he would holler "Stop that, you dumb dog!" - It's interesting how we don't appreciate people until they're gone! - HE'S BACK!! I just went out to get the
dr130103 -- mail!
dr130104 -- munch munch... - POUNCE! - DUMB CAT! - They don't put as many chips in these bags as they used to!
dr130105 -- I've been waking up every night with a sore back! - I can't seem to get a good night's sleep anymore! - I wish someone could tell me why! It's because you've put on a few pounds! - Can YOU think of any reason? Nope!
dr130106 -- Wake up! - Hello! - Sit! - Play! - Food! - Wally is funny! - "Food" is the only word he ever seems to hear! - Did somebody just say something about food?
dr130707 -- Hey, Wally! - Wanna go for a... skattle skattle skattle! - Walk? - OK, but if you're so smart, why do you need a leash? So you won't get lost, of course!
dr130108 -- Hey, Wally! Wanna go for a... - See?! You DON'T ALWAYS know what I'm going to say! - I was going to ask you to go for a DRIVE! - PROO! Your car keys!
dr130109 -- WALLY! I sad get out of the TRASH! - You need to start listening to me! - Don't forget, I'm your master! Wait, what?? - I thought the CAT was my master! I am! Pay no attention to the human!
dr130110 -- bark bark bark bark bark bark bark! ...Sigh... - Why do you bark at the door when nobody's there? Don't you even... - Excuse me... - Hello? Hello? Hello??! I could've SWORN I felt my cell phone! Even if I could talk, I'd have no comment!
dr130111 -- BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK - Quit barking! You always think someone's at the door, but there's never anyone there! - See? - Dumb dog! ...Sigh...
dr130112 -- bark bark bark bark bark! Wally's freaking out! Is someone at the door? - You can never be sure. Half the time, there's no one there! bark bark bark! - The cat can hear as well as the dog, but doesn't seem the slightest bit interested? bark
dr130112 -- bark bark bark! - ...which means there probably IS someone at the door! bark bark bark bark bark! bark bark bark! yawn!
dr130113 -- ...Sigh... - All right. You can come inside! - All right. I'll share! - All right. You can hop up on the couch with me! - All right, I won't leave you alone. Let's go! - Ah ha! I KNEW you practiced that look in the mirror! Busted!
dr130114 -- Your credit cards and I are going shopping! - - Almost forgot my cookies! I'd tell you to have a nice day, but I think you've got it covered!
dr130115 -- Gulp! - crick! - KA-BLOOIE! - I really need to start paying my Christmas bills online!
dr130116 -- Dad, how do you get to the post office? - You can't find the post office?? - That stupid bird can migrate all the way to SOUTH AMERICA and back! - And you can't find the POST OFFICE? Actually, I've never made it past the 7-eleven.
dr130117 -- ...Sigh... What century are we in? I know how you feel, son! - It's hard to keep up with all the new technology, isn't it? - No, I mean it...what century are we in? I was afraid of that!
dr130118 -- YOU are! No, YOU are! Now, now, kids... - It can be hard to get along with your siblings when you're young... - But trust me, one day you'll grow up and be the best of friends! - Ralph, your brother is on the phone! What on earth does that
dr130118 -- bum want?
dr130119 -- Poor Wally looks so sad every time we leave! - What about ME? I'm sad, too! I know you don't think I care, but I really do! - I'm going to miss you very much! - OPPOSITE! Cats are weird!
dr130120 -- - - - - - ...Sigh... - It's a sad day when you finally realize that you will never again be in the running for "sexiest man alive". "Again"??
dr130121 -- Wanna go for a ride in the car, Wally? CAR?! - Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! - OK, let's go! - We might have to make a little stop at the vet. Wait, what?! I've never seen a cat laugh!
dr130122 -- The doctor will be right with you, Mr. Drabble. - You and Wally can take a seat on the couch. shiver shiver shake - Try to relax, will you? shiver shake shake - I keep thinking my cell phone is vibrating! shake shake shiver shiver shake
dr130123 -- Relax, Wally! There's no reason to tremble! - The doctor is just going to give you a booster shot! - BOOSTER SHOT?!! - How come you don't understand "no-no," but you understand  "booster shot"? Who says I don't understand "no-no"?
dr130124 -- Hello, Mr. Drabble! Hey, doc! - And how are you, Wally? shiver shiver shiver shake - shakey shakey shiver shiver Wally? - If I don't look at him, he can't see me!
dr130125 -- All over! That wasn't so bad, was it, Wally? - The vet didn't hurt you at all, did he? - Now don't you feel silly about all that shaking and trembling? Here's your bill! - shiver shiver shake shake
dr130126 -- Hello, Bob! I'm back from the vet. - Where's the cat? I'm going to be embarrassed to see Oogie again because he laughed at me. Don't worry... - While you were at the vet, Oogie was at the cat groomer! Everybody just shut up!
dr130127 -- Ralph, why did you let the dog track mud across the floor?! - Don't blame me, honeybunch! It's not my fault! - Who left the door open? Me. - Who over-watered the yard and got it all muddy? Me. - Who bought the dog? Me. - So, if it's not your
dr130127 -- fault, whose fault is it? - Yours. How can it possibly be MY fault?? - You married me!
dr130128 -- Why are you begging for food? You just had dinner! - And your point is? Come to think of it, so did I!
dr130129 -- ...Sigh... - Next! Hmmm... Don't you love people who wait until they get to the counter before deciding what they want?
dr130130 -- There candy bars seem a lot smaller than when I was a kid! - It used to take forever to eat one. Now they seem tiny! - Maybe it's just because your mouth is so much bigger! -
dr130131 -- Express Line - Why does the chattiest supermarket checker always work the express line? ...Sigh...
dr130201 -- My diet seems to be working, honeybunch! I've taken my belt size down TWO NOTCHES! - I can certainly see a difference!
dr130202 -- Let me explain how our new 60-inch, high-definition TV works, dad... - When you want to watch it, push "power" on this remote. Then on THIS remote, push "input" and select "HDMI-I". - Then use THAT remote to change channels and the other
dr130202 -- remote for volume. Enjoy! -
dr130203 -- Ralph, when you first suggested we buy a big, high-definition TV for the Super Bowl, I had some misgivings. - But I must admit, it has really added to my enjoyment of the game! - The picture quality is amazing! - And we now have DVR, so we
dr130203 -- can go back and see things over and over again! - Like that! I want to see that again! Who knew the Super Bowl could be so much fun?? - Most people watch the PLAYS again. Mom watches the COMMERCIALS! - I love the expression on that monkey's
dr130203 -- face! Five bucks to anyone who can get the remote away from mom!
dr130204 -- When I was a kid, I loved when trash truck came to our house. - Now that I have my own family of five, I still love trash day. - I just wish it was today!
dr130205 -- WHACK! - Uh-oh...that ball is headed out of bounds! - Go get it, Wally! - How will he ever find it? I soaked it in bacon grease!
dr130206 -- I hope Ralph doesn't eat my leftover panini! - I'll put a note on it... - Don't Eat This! That'll never work. - Please Eat This! No way! It's probably something healthy!
dr130207 -- Wally! Fetch the remote! - skattle skattle skattle - Not THAT remote! The one that controls the volume! - ...Sigh... Sorry. My bad!
dr130208 -- Honeybunch, I've decided to get in shape! - Good for you, Ralph! Where are you going? - To the grocery store to buy some healthy food! - I've heard that one should never buy groceries on an empty stomach! Donuts
dr130209 -- - How do I look? - OK, for you. - Another ringing endorsement!
dr130210 -- ? - - What are you doing? - I'm measuring the dimensions of our bookcase. - - It's one-and-a-half hula hoops high by three-quarters of a coat hanger deep! - Do you think you can help me remember that? Trust me. That is something I will not
dr130210 -- soon forget!
dr130211 -- Are you sure you don't want to go to the movies with us, Norm? No thanks, dad... - I'm baking valentine cookies for Echo. I'm going to deliver them personally! - ...and I made them exactly how you told me to! - See? - Norman, when I said
dr130211 -- HEART-SHAPED, I meant...oh, forget it!
dr130212 -- Do you think Echo will like the valentine cookies you made? I'm positive she will, dad! - We think a lot alike! That's why I call her "Echo"! - There's actually a girl who thinks like YOU?? - That's either a match made in heaven or a disaster
dr130212 -- waiting to happen!
dr130213 -- This is the best idea I've ever had! DING DONG - Delivering homemade cookies to Echo for valentine's day! - Hey, what if she's not home?? She's GOT to be home! KNOCK KNOCK - Where else would she be on valentine's day??
dr130214 -- I can't believe it! She's not home! KNOCK KNOCK - I baked valentine cookies for Echo! Where on earth could she be?? - Maybe she's out on a DATE! Where ELSE would she be on valentine's day??! - I can't believe it! He's not home! KNOCK KNOCK
dr130215 -- Life stinks! I baked valentine cookies for Echo, and she's not even home! - Echo! There you are! I brought you valentine cookies but you weren't home! Really? - I tried to bring YOU valentine cookies, but you weren't home either! We think
dr130215 -- alike! - I made them in the shape of a heart! We REALLY think alike!
dr130216 -- Well, Ralph, valentine's day is over! - You know what that means... - It's time for me to put away my Christmas music! I can't wait for St. Patrick's day so we can take down the tree!
dr130217 -- Mr. Drabble, please cover your left eye and read the third line on the eye chart. - E...P...T...G...W - That is correct. YES! - Be honest. Did you memorize that line beforehand? - Are you questioning my eyesight? Are you suggesting that my
dr130217 -- visual skills are not what they used to be? Why would you imply such a thing? - The eye chart is on THAT wall! Which only PROVES how keen my eyesight is!!
dr130218 -- Looks like Wally is having a nightmare! wuff wuff - I wonder what kind of things dogs have nightmares about? - wuff wuff!
dr120219 -- WALLY - rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf ROWF rowf rowf rowf rowf ROWF rowf ROWF rowf! - It's just me! - Why all the barking?? You smell like a badger!
dr130220 -- rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf! You sure bark a lot! - Wiener dogs were bred to hunt badgers. When we see one, we bark to alert our masters! - rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf - OK, but that's the FedEx guy! I don't know
dr130220 -- what a badger looks like, so I'll stay on the safe side!
dr130221 -- If you wish to speak to an operator, please say "help". Help. - Help! - HELP! - What is wrong in the world??
dr130222 -- thumpity thump thump! ? - The dishwasher is making a strange noise! thump thump! - Ralph, please stop washing your golf balls in the dishwasher! Careful, I've got a nine-iron in there, too!
dr130223 -- I really can't complain. Ralph is a wonderful husband... - He does a lot of things around the house! - He washes dishes, dusts and vacuums! - Granted, I always re-wash, re-dust and re-vacuum...
dr130224 -- Polecat International Airport Attention, passengers...we are aware that the long lines here at the security checkpoint can be frustrating... - So we are now offering an EXPRESS LINE! Express Line 10 Banned Items or Less
dr130225 -- KNOCK KNOCK ROWF ROWF ROWF!! - - - It's OK! It looks like the UPS guy! It was a good idea to install a peephole for Wally!
dr130226 -- ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF Wally, relax! There's no one at the door! - I know you've been bred to hunt badgers, but there AREN'T ANY around here!! - The reason I put a peep hole down there is so you could see yourself! Look! -
dr130227 -- ROWF! ROWF! ROWF!* *Badger! Badger! Badger! - Wally, relax! There are no badgers out there! - I REFUSE to relax! There IS a badger, and I will keep barking until you... - PORK RINDS!! Distraction is the key to dog training!
dr130228 -- I'm not in top form anymore. - I've become sloppy and careless. - And time is running out. - If my life were an NBA game, I'd be in GARBAGE TIME!
dr130301 -- - - !!!! Oh, sure! Blame the dog!
dr130302 -- Happy Saturday, Ralph! - Here's your "to-do" list! - I guess I can handle this! you wrote them all on a sticky note! - And here's your "DON'T-do" list!
dr130303 -- Some people think those extra-long "belly putters" give golfers an advantage and should be banned from tournaments! I keep telling you...my putter just LOOKS like a "belly putter"!
dr130304 -- I hate modern technology... - Our new TV has so many different remotes, I can't figure out how to turn it on! - Never fear, dad! I'll write out step-by-step instructions to make it easier for you! - Here you go!
dr130305 -- You've sure been reading a lot lately, Ralph! - That's because I can*'t turn on our new TV! It's too complicated! - So I've taken up reading to pass the time! - I never realized you spent so much time watching TV! So far, I've read "Gone with
dr130305 -- the Wind", "War and Peace", and all seven Harry Potter books!
dr130306 -- I've discovered something fascinating, honeybunch... - Many of my favorite authors and poets lived i Surrey, England! - Robert Browning, H.G. Wells, Arthur Conan Doyle, Alfred Tennyson... - Surrey must be rather lovely! You have favorite
dr130306 -- POETS??
dr130307 -- Ralph, I'm almost glad you you can't figure out how to turn on the new TV! - You've been doin so much reading lately, you seem smarter! - You LOOK smarter, too! In the words of Thoreau, "truth is paradoxical".
dr130308 -- You look different, Ralph! - Stands to reason, honeybunch! I can't figure out to turn on the new TV... - So I've been reading instead! My head has grown to accommodate my expanding brain! - How come you've lost weight? It's harder to eat junk
dr130308 -- food when you're holding a book!
dr130309 -- I'm so proud of Ralph, mother! He's a new man! - He can't figure out how to turn on our new TV, so he's been reading books instead! - He's gotten smarter AND he's lost weight! He doesn't eat junk food in front of the TV anymore! - Good news,
dr130309 -- honeybunch! I got so smart, I figured out how to turn it on!
dr130310 -- WALLY zzyzx... - CRASH BOOM THUMPA THUMPA THUMP - skattle skattle skattle - How on earth can a dog hear a piece of popcorn fall on the carpet? munch munch munch!
dr130311 -- ...and don't forget my senior discount! You bet, Ralph! - You look pretty good for a man of 80! - What makes you think I'm *80*?? - You've been asking for the senior discount for 15 YEARS!
dr130312 -- Ralph, the toilet is running on! - The noise is driving me crazy! Will you do something about it, please? - There. - I turned up the volume on the TV!
dr130313 -- I have the body of a Greek god! - - - More like a Greek URN! You're not as quick as you used to be.
dr130314 -- - - In the battle for supremacy between the laptop an the lap dog... - The lap dog usually comes out on top!
dr130315 -- Wally, don't sit up like that! - It's not good for your back! - Don't sit up and beg anymore! - How about if I stand? I may need to consult the vet.
dr130316 -- Wally, don't sit up like that! - It's bad for your back! Stop it! - All you have to do to get me to sit back down is give me a chip! - You win! See how easy this is?
dr130317 -- How to score a potato chip... - Stare at him with those sad but hopeful eyes. - Then scratch his leg with your paw. scratch scratch scratch - Then speak. ROWF! - Then crawl up on his lap. - Then drool. - Oh, for Pete's sake! Here! - Works
dr130317 -- every time!
dr130318 -- Groups of animals are referred to by different names. - A "herd" of bison, a "gaggle" of geese... - A "colony" of badgers. BADGERS?? - ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF! Never say "badgers" in front of a dachshund! Or "bath" or "vet"!
dr130319 -- Some of these names for animal groups make no sense! - A "school" of fish? They never learn! - A "wisdom" of wombats? Wombats are pretty stupid! - A "congress" of salamanders? Well maybe!
dr130320 -- Some of these make perfect sense... - A "PRIDE" of lions! - An "INTRUSION" of cockroaches! A "GULP" of swallows! - A "CLUTTER" of cats! Makes sense to me!
dr130321 -- Dog Park An "intrusion" of cockroaches? A "pack" of wolves? skattle skattle - What would you call a group of wiener dogs? skattle skattle skattle - A "confusion"? skattle skattle skattle A "party pack"? skattle skattle skattle A "skattle" of
dr130321 -- wiener dogs! skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle
dr130322 -- ...and I'll have a cheeseburger and a cup of water. - Water?? Don't you want a soda? - No, I've had too many sodas today. I'm tired of soda pop! - I'm soda pooped!
dr130323 -- Halt! - Go away! - There's nobody home! - He must be outside!
dr130324 -- DANG! I hate texting!! - I keep pressing the wrong buttons! My thumbs are too big! - Ralph, you don't need to spell out all the words! You can abbreviate! - You can say "u" instead of "you"! You can say "IDK" instead of " I don't know"! -
dr130324 -- NEVER! That's why kids today don't know how to spell! - Whenever I text my kids, I spell out every word! It's bad enough that they can't write in cursive anymore! - At least MY kids will know how to spell! - It's a text from dad. What does it
dr130324 -- say? - Whap timm willl you# be hom?e? It's always hard to tell!
dr130325 -- What's that? Cat grass! - CAT grass?? I bought it at the pet store! - Cats like to eat it! - What's wrong with the grass in the back yard??! What am I? An animal?
dr130326 -- Oh yeah! I just thought of one more thing! - Always remember, it's righty-tighty, lefty-loosey! - OK, that's it! - I've taught my son everything I know, and he's only eight-and-a-half!
dr130327 -- HEY, LOOK! - Isn't that the cat from the Internet video? Oh, yeah! - The one who tries to get the goldfish out of the tank, but falls in instead!! - You're hilarious!! *sigh* I can't go ANYWHERE anymore!
dr130328 -- Listen to this... - 86% of people who eat chocolate easter bunnies eat the ears first! - Did they really need to do a STUDY on this? Every NORMAL human being eats the ears first!! - Once again, you've proven my point!
dr130329 -- Aren't you excited, Penny? - Tonight the easter bunny will quietly sneak into our house and hide all the eggs! - rowf ROWF rowf rowf ROWF ROWF rowf rowf ROWF!! - No way! I said easter bunny, not easter badger! Grrrr!
dr130330 -- Wally, go to bed! - The easter bunny already came and hid the eggs! - WHAT?? How did THAT happen?? I haven't taken my eyes off the front door for three hours! - And I thought BADGERS were sneaky!
dr130331 -- OK, I'm ready! - WHAP! - Lucky shot! Try again! - SMACK! - OOF!! - BOP! BONK! WHACK! SLAP! - OK, that's enough for now! Thanks for helping me get in shape! Good luck with your intramural dodgeball tryout tomorrow!
dr130401 -- Where have YOU been? - Wendy told me I'd been selected grand marshal of the April Fool's Day parade... - So I went all the way downtown, and found out there WAS no April Fool's Day parade! - Oh, wait...this is april fool's day, isn't it? I
dr130401 -- get it now! - Your shoes are untied, too!
dr130402 -- - - WHY IS IT SO HARD TO RE-STRING MY SWEATPANTS?? - You've got more string to work with them most!
dr130403 -- RALPH!! - Why did you eat all the ice cream??! - I didn't! I saved some for you! Where is it?? - Under the lid! You just have to scrape it off!
dr130404 -- I need to send a text to Echo... text text - Wanna hear something sweet? - Yes! - My chocolate milk expires on your birthday! He's so romantic!
dr130405 -- Time for your bath, Wally! BATH?? - I don't need a bath! I just had one three months ago! skattle skattle skattle skattle - No one can see me under here! Even if we COULDN'T see you, we can SMELL you!
dr130406 -- zzyzx! - YAWN! - - Cats HATE video cameras! Another one for YouTube!
dr130407 -- Fetch the ball, Wally! - GO GET IT! skattle skattle skattle - ? - Here it is! I've still got it! - GO GET IT! - It's always fun to play the "fake-out" game with Wally. He's so gullible! - That's a good boy! Bring it back! - HEY!! It's always
dr130407 -- fun to play the "fake-out" game with Ralph! He's so gullible!
dr130408 -- A cat makes the very best pet, and this you must never forget. - Dogs can be mean, - but cats are serene. - Except on the way to the vet!
dr130409 -- The reason that people love cats, is simple. Let's look at the stats. - We sleep most of the day, - We wake up just to play. - And we make sure your house has no rats!
dr130410 -- People think cats are so dignified, we seem calm and collected inside. - But when I went to the groomer - He made me wish I'd left sooner. snip snip - 'cause now I'm just fit to be tied!
dr130411 -- This new automatic soap dispenser is already broken! - I keep putting my hand underneath it, but nothing happens! - What a stupid invention! I hate modern technology! Why won't any soap come out??! - That's the can opener.
dr130412 -- ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF! You dumb dog... - See? Nobody's there! - Now, don't you feel a little silly? - At the wiener dog academy, they taught us to bark first and ask questions later!
dr130413 -- It's fun to forage in the sofa cushions! - A jelly bean! That's still good! - What else can I find in here? - How long ago was easter?
dr130414 -- rrroww! - What do you want? - You're acting like you're hungry! - There's plenty of food in your dish! Look! - Why do you act like there's nothing to eat when your dish is full? - Dumb cat! - There's nothing to eat in here!
dr130415 -- Hey, Wally! - Do you wanna... - Go for a... - Walk? You had me at the "Hey, Wally"!
dr130416 -- I don't get it. Wally goes on the same walk every day... - He sees the same things and sniffs the same things. sniff sniff - What does he find so exciting about it? - To him, it's a walk. To me, it's a badger hunt!
dr130417 -- - It's called a "LAPtop." If I put it on my lap, I can't see it!
dr130418 -- I've seen that one, too! - Which ones have you seen? That one and that one. - OK, that was interesting! - When he offered to take me to the movies, this wasn't what I had in mind! Want to look at some ice cream?
dr130419 -- I had a great day on the golf course! - High five, Wally! - SLAP! - If you're not careful, that could give you an earache!
dr130420 -- - - - How many times have I told you to remove the hanger from the other end?
dr130421 -- ? Can I help you find something, Mrs. Drabble? - No thanks, Larry! I don't think you can help me! - Try me! I know the location of EVERYTHING in this store! - What are you looking for? - My husband! Aisle 9! - How did you know? Just an
dr130421 -- educated guess that Ralph would be near the ice cream case! Marble fudge...cookie dough...chocolate chip...
dr130422 -- Why do we have to go to a WEDDING RECEPTION?? - Because it's you cousin's niece! - Turn here. I think it's over there! - Are you sure this is the right place? How many Poopsie and Choppers do you know?
dr130423 -- Oh, look! They have a book to sign and write a brief message! - scribble scribble scribble  scribble scribble scribble scribble - scribble scribble scribble scribble scribble scribble - Sign my name, too. I'll be over in the buffet line!
dr130423 -- Darn! The pen ran out of ink!
dr130424 -- RELAX! I'LL BE THERE IN A SECOND! - Betht wisheths! You're supposed to greet the newlyweds BEFORE you get your food!
dr130425 -- I hate social gatherings. Me too, son. It's hard for me to talk to strangers. - But we need to make the effort! Everyone needs to step out of their comfort zone occasionally! - That's my problem dad... - I don't HAVE a comfort zone! MY
dr130425 -- comfort zone is the area around the dessert table!
dr130426 -- Social gatherings can be intimidating, son, but don't be shy! - Put yourself out there! I want you to say hello to every person in this room! - You can never embarrass yourself by being polite! Watch me... - Hello, sir! I'm Ralph Drabble! And
dr130426 -- you are? The groom's mother!
dr130427 -- I need to become more outgoing. - My dad told me to introduce myself to everyone here because I might meet someone interesting. - Hello! My name is... tap tap! - ECHO! Hi, I'm... NORMAN!
dr130428 -- zzyzx - Bath time! - skattle skattle skattle skattle - - It's funny how Wally thinks no one can see him hiding under the couch! - WHO ATE THE CAKE I BAKED FOR MY MOTHER'S BIRTHDAY?? -
dr130429 -- Echo! Fancy meeting YOU here! Yes, I... - WHOA! - I just caught the bouquet! That means I'm going to be the next DRIVE! - I'm glad *I* didn't catch it! You're funny, I'm hoping!
dr130430 -- Echo caught the bouquet. That means she'll be the next bride! - I won't even try to catch the garter! That would be a little awkward! - Rats!
dr130501 -- Look, Norman! The dance floor is empty! - I don't know HOW to dance, Echo! I don't, either! - Let's dance like the Peanuts characters in "A Carlie Brown Christmas"! - Good idea, Norman! You're the only person who ever says that, Echo!
dr130502 -- Look! Norman is dancing! - He seems to have a lot in common with that girl! - Yes, they seem perfect for each other! - So, what do you think is going to go wrong? We'll probably find out before the night is over!
dr130503 -- I forgot to ask you, Echo...why are you here at the wedding reception? - I'm related to the bride! - I can't believe how much we have in common! I'm related to the bride, too! -
dr130504 -- We're BOTH related to the bride??? What a coincidence! - But if YOU'RE related to the bride, and I'M related to the bride... - Then WE must be related!! Eww! - I feel like Luke Skywalker when he found out Princess Leia was his sister! I'm
dr130504 -- throwing back the bouquet!
dr130505 -- Strike three! - BOO! GIVE ME A BREAK, UMP! GET IN THE GAME, BLUE! - How come little league parents always give the umpire such a hard time? - Umpires do the best they can! If not for the umpire, the kids couldn't have a game! - It's really
dr130505 -- true: the people who volunteer are always the most criticized! - It's a great idea for the ump to take off his mask, hand it to the biggest loudmouth, and make THAT person do the umpiring until he apologizes! - Definitely a good idea! - Had
dr130505 -- enough? I'll never yell at you again!
dr130506 -- RELATED?? How can we be RELATED, Echo?? - I'm Poopsie's second cousin's half-sister's... - step niece's brother-in-law's aunt's third husband's son-in-law's nephew's cousin once removed! - And that makes you... More confused than usual!
dr130507 -- What's wrong, Norm? I received devastating news, dad! - I just found out that the perfect girl is RELATED to me! - She's Poopsie's second cousin's half-sister's step-niece's brother-in-law's aunt's third husband's son-in-law's nephew's
dr130507 -- cousin once removed! - Bummer! Some things are just not meant to be!
dr130508 -- Norm, it's perfectly OK for you to date Echo! - So what if she's Poopsie's second cousin's half sister's step-niece's... - brother-in-law's aunt's third husband's son-in-law's nephew's cousin twice removed? - She's ONCE removed. Oh, then
dr130508 -- forget it!
dr130509 -- Norman, you are NOT related to Echo! How do you know? - We're not actually related to Poopsie! She's our cousin's STEP-niece! WOW! - Imagine how happy Echo will be! She'll probably want to elope with you TONIGHT! Go tell her the good news! -
dr130509 -- My little brother thinks we're related, too!
dr130510 -- scratch scratch Yawn! - - - I'm starting to resemble one of those celebrity mug shots!
dr130511 -- COME ON! TIME TO GO!! - Coming, Ralph! Just a second, dad! Coming! I'll be right there! - ...Sigh... - It makes you wonder where the term "immediate family" ever came from!
dr130512 -- Happy Mother's Day, Mom! We made a card for you! - When it comes to our mom, she is simply the best. Our mom always makes sure that we ace the test! - She'll help us with homework for as long as we please. That's a good 'cause when dad helps,
dr130512 -- we only get "C"s! - For problems and quandaries no need to think twice. She always gives the very best fatherly advice! - Now don't get us wrong, dad has his talents too. But the best thing he's done is say, "I do" to you! - That's the best
dr130512 -- Mother's Day card ever! Sorry to throw you under the bus, dad! On Father's Day, just BUY me a card!
dr130513 -- I gave up donuts a month ago! - What a difference! I feel healthier and more energetic! - And also a little guilty! Ernie's Donuts Out Of Business Closed You and your stupid diet! Please help
dr130514 -- ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF! ...Sigh... - Look! There's nobody there! It was a badger! I scared him away! - What's wrong with you?? Nothing! - Your BADGER-ALERT system works perfectly!
dr130515 -- Oof! AAAAAARRRGH! - Got it!! - If I'd known it was going to be that difficult, I wouldn't have asked you to pick up the crouton! Anything else you want me to do while I'm down here?
dr130516 -- What are you doing? We're making your father's day card, dad. - We're trying to think of why you're the best dad in the world, and it's really hard! - Good thing you're getting an early start! Father's day is a month away! - We've been
dr130516 -- working on this since February!
dr130517 -- What time do we have to go to that stupid party tonight? - 7:00! Dang. That's only three hours from now. - Oh, well. The sooner we go, the sooner we get it over with! - Glad you're looking forward to it, dear! Maybe our car won't start!
dr130518 -- Hmm... - Excuse me...I'm doing a crossword puzzle... - What's a nine-letter word for "woman's undergarment"? - Nobody wants to help strangers anymore!
dr130519 -- Oops! - Rats! - I dropped a jelly bean under the refrigerator! - Now I have to try to knock it back out! - Whoa! - Not only did I retrieve my jelly bean, but I also got a cheese puff, an M&M, a pork rind and something else! - Yum! munch
dr130519 -- munch! "SOMETHING ELSE"??!!
dr130520 -- I'm so stressed! - I've got so much to do today! I'm a total basket-case! - yawn! - You just lie there like that to annoy me, don't you? Maybe!
dr130521 -- All right, all right! Stop staring at me like that! - You can come in! - - I hate to admit it, but you're starting to make me appreciate the cat! It was only a matter of time!
dr130522 -- An empty sack can be fun, the cat said. - For one thing, it can be used as a bed! - It's a good place to hide, a cat looks cool inside. - Except when it gets stuck on his head! Dang!
dr130523 -- Oogie's head is stuck in a scak! - Well, don't just stand there, DO something!! - - Not helpful!
dr130524 -- chop! - Maybe you should slow down your golf swing! - I swing fast on purpose. - I figure the faster I swing, the less time I have to mess it up!
dr130525 -- - - It's hard to believe that back in January, I couldn't wait for this!
dr130526 -- Hmm...it seems like today is important for some reason... Oh, now I remember! - Hey, bro! It's me! - I'm calling to remind you that today is your anniversary! - Hee hee! You're welcome! That's what brothers are for! - Oh, really?? GOSH,
dr130526 -- you're RIGHT!! Thank you!!! - Happy birthday, honeybunch!
dr130527 -- How's business, Patrick? - Better than ever, I'm proud to report! - You've just got to give people what they want! Lemonade FREE WI-FI
dr130528 -- What was your score, dad? - 72! - REALLY? Well, sort of... - I hollered "FORE" 18 times! I don't get it!
dr130529 -- Before the movie starts, kindly silence your cellphones! - I guess YOU don't need to, Drabble! I GOT A CALL ONCE!
dr130530 -- - pop! pop! pop! - sniff sniff! pop! Onion rings are NOT your diet, Ralph!! Always take a breath mint before blowing bubbles!
dr130531 -- I have such trouble swallowing Aspirin... - - SLOSH! dribble dribble - See? I think I see the problem.
dr130601 -- Hi, honeybunch! - Would you like me to take you out for dinner tonight? - Thanks, but I've been cooking all afternoon, and dinner will be ready in ten minutes! - OK, but don't say I never ask!
dr130602 -- My family is gone for the evening! I can't believe it... - I can have anything I want for dinner! - No one to please but me! I can go anywhere and eat anything! - I could go to the Bulk Club Food Court and have pizza and curros! - Or I could
dr130602 -- go to the MiniMart and get a pastrami burrito and nachos! - Or I could make myself a couple of peanut butter and chocolate chip sandwiches! - Or I could have a box of donuts, or a carton of ice cream with hot fudge and whipped cream and... -
dr130602 -- So, what did you have for dinner, Ralph? Nothing. I made myself sick just thinking about it!
dr130603 -- - - SPLOSH! - That was the biggest belly flop I've ever seen! Which stands to reason!
dr130604 -- Oops! No Outlet - We need to turn around, Penny! That street has no outlet! - No outlet?? - Where do they plug in their curling irons?!
dr130605 -- GAS - - - You should try not to hit so many bugs when you drive! I'll do my best, Penny!
dr130606 -- - - skattle skattle skattle skattle - It's kind of sad when you need a running start to jump over a hose!
dr130607 -- Ralph! What are you doing?! - Washing the dishes, honeybunch! - I was going to save those scraps for the dog! Darn it! - I think back in 2004, I actually did something right around here!
dr130608 -- I'm home! - Yawn! Hi, Wally! - Cats should be more like dogs! Wally gives unconditional love! - Cats give unconditional indifference!
dr130609 -- Oops! WALLY - - SNARF! - Now THAT was FAST! Did I just hear a sonic boom?
dr130610 -- The secret is how you hold your hand. Observe... - FFRRPP! FRRPP! FRRPP! - Sweet! Cool! Thanks for the lesson, dad! No problem, kids! - No one will ever be able to say I didn't teach my kids everything I know!
dr130611 -- * - And that's how to whistle, kids! Cool! Thanks, dad! That's neat! - OK, I can cross another one off the list! - Things Every Dad Should Teach His Kids -be nice to people -pro wrestling is fake -how to whistle -yo-yo tricks -how to play
dr130611 -- bongos -talk like Donald Duck
dr130612 -- - NO! - The average wiener dog understands 165 words... - That's not one of them!
dr130613 -- I'm off to work! - Enjoy your day lounging around... - While *I* spend the next ten hours on my feet to provide you with room and board! - SLAM! I wish he'd learn to close the door a little more quietly!
dr130614 -- - I got the idea at the supermarket!
dr130615 -- Tongs! - You're welcome! - ? - OH, I GET IT!
dr130616 -- THWACK! - FORE!! - The game is so SO FRUSTRATING!! - FLING! - Uh-oh! - FORE!
dr130617 -- Gee, I wonder who got into the trash! - WALLY!! - Where is he? He usually comes running when I call his name! - "Call" my name, yes. "Shout" my name, no way!
dr130618 -- WALLY! COME HERE!!! No way! - * * Oh, Wally! ** * - - I can't believe I almost fell for that!
dr130619 -- Wally! Did you get into the trash?! - WALLY! WHERE ARE YOU?! - HERE HE IS! UNDER THE COUCH! Reason #39,472 why dogs hate cats!
dr130620 -- Wally must be hiding somewhere! He'll never find me! - That's too bad. - Who's going to chase away these badgers? - BADGERS?! Too easy!
dr130621 -- Did someone say "BADGERS"?? Ah ha! there you are! - I outsmarted you! I used my superior intellect to make you come running! - RALPH! CAKE FROSTING! - Where?? Not really. I just need you to fix the garbage disposal!
dr130622 -- Airport Security -> * TRUDGE TRUDGE * TRUDGE TRUDGE - GATE 7 shuffle shuffle ** trudge trudge * - What happened to the SPRING in your step, Ralph? - It's been replaced by the FALL of my arches! * trudge shuffle trudge *
dr130623 -- - - - - Hello, Wally. - Sometimes you just need to acknowledge the wiener dogs in the room!
dr130624 -- knock knock! - ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF!! - Relax! It was just the TV! - Living with this dog has made me a little jumpy! Sheesh!
dr130625 -- Hand me my driving rod, Norm! - How come you refer to your driver as a "driving rod"? - WHACK! - SPLASH! Never mind.
dr130626 -- Ralph, the "Pageant of the Painters" starts next wee! - That's the show where they recreate great works of art using actors! - We're going! I bought tickets! Great! - I never knew you were an art lover! The snack bar there has really good
dr130626 -- pizza!
dr130627 -- I kanded an acting job in this year's PAGEANT OF THE PAINTERS! - That's the show where they recreate great works of art using actors and costumes! - All I have to do is stand still and do absolutely nothing for two minutes! - Wish me luck!
dr130627 -- I'd say you're the man for the job, son!
dr130628 -- In this year's "Pageant of the Painters" show, I'll be the farmer in the "American Gothic" painting. - I stand onstage next to my wife, with a dignified look on my face. - We have to stand perfectly still for 2 minutes! Don't mess it up like
dr130628 -- last year... - TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE!! Don't worry. I'm putting it on VIBRATE!
dr130629 -- I'm so excited to see this year's "Pageant of the Painters"! - Our seats are so close. we'll have a great view of Norman onstage! - This will be a fun evening! It sure will! - We're in pea shooter range!
dr130630 -- - - - - BLAM! - Darn! Another 7-10 split! I hate summer!
dr130701 -- Norman will be on-stage right after intermission! - All he has to do is stand perfectly still for 2 minutes! I'll bet you $10 he messes it up! - You should show more confidence in your son! You're right! - Make it *$20*!
dr130702 -- Hi, cousin Norman! ECHO! What are YOU doing backstage? - I'm in the show! So am I! What a coincidence! - I haven't seen you since Poopsie's wedding reception! That was fun, wasn't it? Yeah... - Up until the time you told me we were related!
dr130702 -- That broke my heart! I'VE broken a HEART??
dr130703 -- How does my wig look, Norman? Great, Echo! How do *I* look? - Old! It's a good thing we're related! Otherwise we might have ended up married and looking like this! - I fibbed to Echo that we were related! I was afraid things were moving too
dr130703 -- fast! - Echo, I have a confession to make... Quiet, you two! It's SHOWTIME!
dr130704 -- Norman and Echo, remember to have stern facial expressions! - That won't be easy! Just being next to my cousin Norman makes me smile! - By the way, when I said we were related, it wasn't true! You LIED to me?? - PERFECT! HOLD THAT EXPRESSION!
dr130705 -- I can't believe you told me a lie, Norman! I was just trying to...I didn't mean to... - Quiet! The curtain is rising! - All you have to do is stand still and be quiet for TWO MINUTES! - This is going to be the longest two minutes of my life!
dr130706 -- Norman is doing great! Hey, he's with Echo! - He's halfway home! All he has to do is stand perfectly still for one more minute! - LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I'D LIKE TO SAY A FEW WORDS... -
dr130707 -- The count is 3 and 2, bases loaded... - Here's the pitch... - Ball four! He walks in the tying run! DAGNABBIT! I should have never come in the room! - Every time I watch, the team looses! Believe me, honeybunch, it has nothing to do with YOU!
dr130707 -- - The team doesn't know you EXIST, much less when you're watching them on TV! - You really don't have that much power, you know! - ...and now a grand slam has broken the game wide open! WILL YOU PLEASE GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE WE FALL OUT OF
dr130707 -- THE PENNANT RACE?!!
dr130708 -- Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry to interrupt the show... - My name is Norman and her name is Echo! - I told Echo a lie, and I'd like to publicly apologize to her! - That's actually kind of sweet! - QUIT WHILE YOU'RE AHEAD, DUMMY! Allow me to
dr130708 -- elaborate!
dr130709 -- I owe an apology to to my friend, Echo! I will briefly explain why... - It all started when we kept bumping into each other everywhere we went, so we figured it must be fate and we started hanging out together, and we soon realized that we
dr130709 -- had a lot in common so we started to like each other! But then we bumped into each other again at someone's wedding reception and we danced like the Peanuts characters, but then I told her we were related even though I knew we weren't,
dr130709 -- because... - PING! OW! - Did you just hit your brother with a pea? Yes, and you're welcome!
dr130710 -- Darn! The curtain come down before I could finish apologizing! - You stopped the show just so you could publicly apologize to me?? I can't believe you'd do something so ridiculous! - Sorry I lied, Echo! I lied, too! - I CAN believe you'd do
dr120710 -- something so ridiculous!
dr130711 -- All Norman had to do was stand still and keep quiet for two minutes, and he blew it! - Oh, well...try to forget it. Let's hope the rest of the show gets better! - How can it possibly get any WORSE?? - Dad, this is our director... Mr.
dr130711 -- Drabble, how would you like to break into show business tonight?
dr130712 -- Mr. Drabble, one of our models called in sick... - We need a man with your physique to pose as a famous statue! - I suppose I can do that! Great! - Take off your clothes. WHAT??!
dr130713 -- I'm back! I thought they were going to put you in the show! - They wanted me to pose as a statue, but I would've had to take off my clothes and wear bronze bodypaint! - So, what happened? - They didn't have enough paint!
dr130714 -- Get out of my chair, you dumb dog! - - What's wrong, Wally? - Do you need to go outside? - ...Sigh... All right! - There. - HEY! - If Wally's dumb, what does that make you?
dr130715 -- Here's your burger...hey! Why are you in Ralph's car?! - CALL THE POLICE! WE NEED TO REPORT a STOLEN VEHICLE!! - I'm his wife. Oh. Sorry! - So, how's your diet coming, Ralph? Fine. Why?
dr130716 -- - SPRITZ gurgle gurgle! - ROWF ROWF GROWL SNARL ROWF!! Relax! It's only water! - Sometimes I wonder what that dog is thinking! Thinking?
dr130717 -- ROWF ROWF rowf rowf rowf rowf! Relax, Wally! - See? No badgers! - Why don't you like badgers? They're nice! They are not! - Why do you think they're called BADgers??
dr130718 -- - Perfect! - One grilled cheese sandwich! Thanks, dad! - The Iron Chef!
dr130719 -- Here, Wally! - I bought some special dog bones that help control bad breath! - Do they really work? - I hope so! gnaw gnaw
dr130720 -- Whoa! I overslept! - - Oh, look! SLEEPING BEAUTY is awake! - So is GRUMPY!
dr130721 -- I'm afraid to get on the scale... - Oh, dear! I've gained two more pounds! - This is unacceptable! I refuse to give in! - It's time to take control! - Your chubby wife is going out for a jog! Okey-doke! - I mean, YOU'RE NOT CHUBBY!!
dr130722 -- What's for dinner, honeybunch? It's a new recipe. - Toasted sesame ginger salmon! - I've been working on it all day! Darn! I was hoping for hot dogs! - She could've unwrapped them first!
dr130723 -- Darn! I'm having such a bad day! - Sorry. - Ralph, stop apologizing for everything! It drives me crazy! - Sorry. That's better!
dr130724 -- For heaven's sake, Ralph! You put the paper towels upside-down! - The flower pattern is supposed to go along the BOTTOM. - It's getting so I can't ask you to do ANYTHING around here! - That's the idea!
dr130725 -- WHIRRRR - Ah-ha! - The most important club in my bag is a weed whacker!
dr130726 -- - WHACK! - SPLASH! - I don't lose as many balls since I started putting tiny life jackets on them!
dr130727 -- - Whoa! - You dumb dog! Why are you always under my feet?? - Just trying to stay in the shade!
dr130728 -- * Uho-oh...the dreaded sound of a text message! - I hate texting! I'm the world's slowest texter! - Happy birthday, mom! Love. Jay - ...Sigh... Wrong number! - text text TEXT texty text text text text text text text texty text text TEXT TEXT
dr130728 -- text text texty text text texty text TEXT text text text text text Jay, I am not your mother! - Sed - * - You have a great sense of humor, mom! It's sometimes very hard to convince a texter he has a wrong number!
dr130729 -- ...if Ralph Drabble sinks this putt, he'll win the Masters! - It looks good... - But another ball knocks it off course!! - Sorry. My bad! You sure spoiled THAT fantasy!
dr130730 -- Norm, when you're putting o the practice green... - Always be respectful of the other golfers! - Every guy out here is fantasizing that he's putting to win a major tournament! - WILL YOU GUYS PIPE DOWN?! I'M TRYING TO WIN THE BRITISH OPEN!
dr130730 -- See?
dr130731 -- PUTT! - PUTT! PUTT! PUTT! PUTT! PUTT! PUTT! PUTT! - Would you like a bigger cup?
dr130801 -- WHACK! - DANG! DANG! DANG! WHAM! - Why do you even come to the driving range? It helps me unwind!
dr130802 -- Ralph, there's a golf tournament in town next week! I know. - You should enter it! Me?? WHY?? - Because it has always been your dream to compete in a real golf tournament! - What have you got to lose? A few dozen balls!
dr130803 -- You're entering a golf tournament?? Yeah, I've never played in one before! - Visualization is the key. Before every shot, try to visualize the outcome! - - Believe me, I do! I should've said, the DESIRED outcome!
dr130804 -- WALLY! - Relax, Wally! - Calm down! - Just because I put on my shoes and jacket, it doesn't mean I'm taking you for a walk! - - ...Sigh...
dr130805 -- I hear you're entering the golf tournament, Ralph! That's right, Steinbauer! - I'm the defending champion, you know! Really?? I didn't know you were a great golfer! - I'm not, but I psychout my opponents! I'll be stuck in your head like a
dr130805 -- Barry Manilow song! - By the way, did you fix the hitch in your swing? I have a hitch in my swing??
dr130806 -- I'm going to the beach to practice my sand trap shots! - You can't hit golf balls on the beach! I can't? - Where can I practice hitting out on the golf sand?? - Please hurry! BOOF! Oogie
dr130807 -- Norm, I'd like you to be my caddy for the golf tournament! Why me? - You can't overestimate the value of a good caddy! - The caddy measures yardage, selects the club and offers advice! - Yeah, and he also gets blamed when the golfer flubs a
dr130807 -- shot! Only in major tournaments!
dr130808 -- Good luck, Ralph! Try not to think about the fact that I'm the defending champion! Welcome To the EASTBAY OPEN - As a token of my goodwill, have some new golf balls! Thanks, Steinbauer! - They aren't good enough for me, but they're plenty
dr130808 -- good enough for you! - Besides, I only need one! He just got into my head, didn't he?
dr130809 -- Now at the first tee, defending champion George Steinbauer! WHACK! - Oh, wat a TERRIBLE shot! That was WAY beneath my standards! - What do you mean?? The ball landed in the middle of the fairway in perfect position! - I wanted it to land with
dr130809 -- the brand name up!
dr130810 -- Next up on the tee...Ralph Drabble! Whatever you do, don't hit in the sand trap! - WHACK! SPLASH! - You were so concerned about the sand trap, you overcompensated and hit it into the lake! Too bad, Ralph! - I'm no match for his mind-games!
dr130810 -- OBI-WAN-KENOBI is no match for his mind-games!
dr130811 -- ...Yawn... - What are you reading? - It's my book club selection. Our meeting is tomorrow and I really need to finish it! - Is it good? Yes. - What's it about? It's hard to explain. - How many pages does it have? Maybe I'll go read in the
dr130811 -- other room! -
dr130812 -- My dream of winning a golf tournament has turned into a nightmare! * - I can't do anything right! Steinbauer has me totally psyched-out! - He warned me that he'd be stuck in my head like a Barry Manilow song! DAD, THAT'S IT!! - In order to
dr130812 -- win this golf tournament, you must trust me and do as I say! Egads!
dr130813 -- Mr. Steinbauer said he'd be stuck in your head like a Barry Manilow song... - He's psyching you out! So what should I do?? - SING BARRY MANILOW SONGS! You'll stop thinking about Steinbauer and you'll relax! - Try it! What have you got to
dr130813 -- lose? My dignity and my mind!
dr130814 -- My tee shot landed two feet from the cup! Try to beat THAT, Ralph! - Remember, sing Barry Manilow songs! - * Oh, Copacabana.. ** - An INCH from the cup!!! * Oh, it's a miracle... ***
dr130815 -- Ralph Drabble has made a remarkable comeback! * Oh, at the Copa... * - After falling behind early, he has closed the gap! * Oh, I write the songs * - He has nearly wiped out Steinbauer's lead! * Oh, Mandy * - * Looks like we made it... * WILL
dr130815 -- YOU QUIT SINGING BARRY MANILOW SONGS?!
dr130816 -- I have to admit, Norm, your strategy has worked! - Golf is a mental game, and it's easy to let negative thoughts creep into your mind. - Singing Barry Manilow songs is a great way to keep my mind unoccupied! There only seems to be one
dr130816 -- problem... - It's hard to putt with tears in your eyes! * Oh, last night I said good-bye... * *
dr130817 -- This is the biggest putt of Ralph Drabble's life... * Oh, like a good neighbor.. * -If he makes it, he'll win the tournament! * you deserve a break today... * putt! - tokkl-okkl! - I DID IT!! Not so fast...
dr130818 -- Yes, our picture is back on now! Thank you for your help! - I'll never understand how you are able to fix our cable box over the phone! - Where's your office, anyway? - Oh, really? I thought the cable company was right here in town! - That's
dr130818 -- amazing! You sound like you're practically next door! I never would've guessed you were so far away! - What's the weather like there? - My wife is the reason there's always a 25-minute wait when you call customer service!
dr130819 -- Congratulations to Ralph Drabble, this year's champion! Not so fast... - The rule box states a golfer can only carry 14 clubs in his bag! - Count the clubs in Drabble's bag! - ...13...14...*15*! WHAT?? I demand a RECOUNT!! Oh, yeah...I FOUND
dr130819 -- one!
dr130820 -- Since Ralph has an extra club in his bag, we'll have to give him a 2-stroke penalty! - That means Steinbauer wins the tournament! YES! Hand over the trophy!! - I'll call my wife to share the news! You brought a CELL PHONE onto the course??
dr130820 -- That'll cost YOU 2 strokes! - WHAT?? The winner is Ralph Drabble again! WHAT??
dr130821 -- Drabble wins the tournament! You can't penalize me for having a cell phone!! - It's a course rule, Steinbauer! You should have known better! - Ohh, yeah? Well, let's just make a call! - * Hey, look who ELSE has one!
dr130822 -- *I* should be the winner! Ralph broke more golf rules than I did!! Did not! - He played with his shirt untucked! He hit the wrong ball! - He puts on his golf shoes in the parking lot! His caddy shielded him from the sun! - He wore CARGO
dr130822 -- PANTS! He wore his HAT inside the CLUBHOUSE!!
dr130823 -- After assessing penalties, the winner of the tournament is... - Let's see...add two...carry the one... - NO-NECK!! Really?? But I shot a *103*! Don't argue!
dr130824 -- - Be right back. - How come watching the food channel makes you want to eat, but watching the do-it-yourself network never makes you want to fix our leaky sink?
dr130825 -- putt! - FORE! - - - In all fairness, I did yell "fore"!
dr130826 -- I feel so much better now! - I get a little crabby when I'm hungry! - Oh, you do not! - Care for seconds?
dr130827 -- - - - - - The Dog Days of Summer can take a lot out of you!
dr130828 -- - - Wally, that's gross! Don't pull tissues out of the wastebasket! - Where do you LEARN such things? The Wiener Dog Academy offers post-graduate courses.
dr130829 -- skattle skattle skattle - skattle skattle skattle - skattle skattle skattle skattle - I take it you'd like to go for a walk. Actually, I'm kind of tired now!
dr130830 -- WALLY KNOCK KNOCK! An intruder!! - Rowf! Rowf! Rowf! Rowf! Rowf! Rowf! Rowf! Rowf! Rowf! - Rowf! ROWF! Rowf! ROWF! Rowf! Rowf! ROWF! Rowf! Rowf! Rowf! Rowf! - Are you done? My job is to bark at intruders, but I never know what to do next!
dr130831 -- - - scoop scoop scoop - It's more polite to finish off the carton than to leave just a tiny bit!
dr130901 -- Good golly! I look terrible! - Look at my hair! I really should comb it once in a while! - I also should stop dressing like such a slob! - Wow, I really ought to lose a few pounds! - Starting today, I'm going on a diet! - Why is it always MY
dr130901 -- job to wash all the mirrors in the house?? No particular reason, dear!
dr130902 -- ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF! Wally, be quiet! - There are no badgers out there! There's nothing to bark at! - Have I ever barked for no reason? - You bark for no reason all the time! I meant so far today!
dr130903 -- ROWF rowf rowf ROWF rowf rowf rowf ROWF! - Relax, Wally! There are no badgers out there! - And even if there is, I'm sure he's harmless. - That's what he'd like us all to believe!
dr130904 -- ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF! Wally, what's wrong with you? - What's wrong with ME? I'm trying to alert you all to the presence of danger! - There's a BADGER at the door, and I don't want him to get close to my loved ones! - ...or the dumb cat, for
dr130904 -- that matter! Awww!
dr130905 -- See? Nothing's out there! - No badgers! - ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF WALLY, COME BACK!!
dr130906 -- rowf rowf rowf snarl growl What's going on?? - Wally's got a badger cornered in the bushes! - Don't hurt him, Wally! Badgers are friendly! - You ARE?? For the most part!
dr130907 -- What's going on here?? ROWF ROWF ROWF!! - Wally cornered a badger in your yard, Mr. Steinbauer! But why?? I'm so cute! - My kitty was attacked last night. The vet says it was probably a badger! - YEAH, AND THAT'S HIM!! You'll never take me
dr130907 -- alive!!
dr130908 -- Good morning, Ralph! How are you feeling? Actually, I feel rather...uh... - What's the word I'm looking for...? Sluggish? - Inadequate? Bloated? Old? Inept? - Sloppy? Hopeless? Flabby? Clueless? - Unsophisticated? Overweight? Confused?
dr130908 -- Slovenly? - Bumbling? Disheveled? Sub-par? Dumpy? Hungry? I was going to say "ambitious", but I'm going back to bed.
dr130909 -- You can relax, Wally. Animal control came and took away the badger! - They'll drive him to a remote location and release him into the wild. - You won't have to worry about him anymore! - I'll be back!
dr130910 -- Why is our calendar still in AUGUST? - Because the august picture is prettier than the September picture! - But how am I supposed to know what the date is?? It's easy... - Just remind yourself that whatever date it says, it's really 4 numbers
dr130910 -- higher! Why do I ask questions?
dr130911 -- There are a lot of shows you like on TV tonight, dad! It's OK, Patrick. I'll set the DVR! - Gas is really expensive! Don't worry. I'm car-pooling! - It might be a big waste of time! I wouldn't miss sit for the world, son! - OK, but please try
dr130911 -- not to embarrass me this year! The best thing about college is there's no back-to-school night!
dr130912 -- Home at last! - ? - Why do we have two welcome mats? Because this one's new, so I want you to wipe your feet on THAT one first!
dr130913 -- Uh-oh! Here comes the course marshal to tell us we need to play faster! - You need to pick up for the pace, gentlemen! Great golfers will not be rushed! And neither will WE!
dr130914 -- squeak squeak squeak squeak Not now, Wally. - ...Sigh... - NOW!! boot! - It's hard to teach patience to a wiener dog.
dr130915 -- Must you stare at me like that while I'm eating? I'm just giving you a taste of your own medicine!
dr130916 -- Bye, Mr. Drabble! See you next summer! - The saddest thing about September is when the sno-cone shack closes down. - * Oh, it's beginning to look a lot like... * I stand corrected. Xmas Decorations Christmas Decs
dr130917 --  - - Why did you do that? Humans ask "why?"...wiener dogs ask "why not?"
dr130918 -- Here, kitty kitty kitty! - Here, kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty! It's no use, dad. Cats never come when you call them - Here, Wal... - poof! ly! Dogs, on the other hand...
dr130919 -- Help me set up the team banner, Ralph! - That's the name of Patrick's soccer team?? No wonder they always lose! - The banner shop messed up! It was supposed to say "The ROWDIES." The ROUTEES
dr130920 -- It's a breakaway!! - GOOOOAALLL! - I know we're losing again, but it's not nice to root for the other team! - Hey, I gotta have SOME fun!
dr130921 -- Good game. Here you go! Thank you! - Thank you! You're welcome! - Animal crackers AGAIN?? You lost 24 to 0, and you're complaining about the SNACK?
dr130922 -- I'm down to my last ball! - I'd better keep it clean. - SHLUP SHLUP SHLUP! - - Whoops! - BONK! - FORE! It's been one of those days, hasn't it?
dr130923 -- Ralph, you've lost so much weight! You look great! Not only that, but I've saved enough money to put all our kids through college AND take a trip around the world! - That is NOT what would happen if I gave up ice cream! I'm just sayin'...
dr130924 -- ...so I said, "if you want me to shop at your store, you need better customer service!" - By the way, Kristine's birthday is tomorrow, so I'm baking her favorite cookies! - Speaking of cookies, have you tried those new cookies at Bulk Club's
dr130924 -- snack bar? They're great! - Anyway, sorry I missed you! Call back when you can! I feel sorry for whoever has to listen to her messages!
dr130925 -- Have a seat on the exam table, Mr. Drabble! - - boing boing boing! flub flub! - Checking for something unusual? boing boing flub! No, it's just hard to resist!
dr130926 -- Here's your prescription, Mr. Drabble. Read the instructions carefully! - - YES! - "Take with food".
dr130927 -- sip! - POUND! POUND! POUND! - wwwWWOW!!! - When you put just the right amount of chocolate in the milk, it's a thing of beauty!
dr130928 -- What are you doing, Patrick? I'm checking my tweets, dad! - How come I never see you doing homework? - I get it all done before you get home from work so you won't try to help me! - I'm glad I can motivate you! I have a G.P.A. to maintain, you
dr130928 -- know!
dr130929 -- - - - ROWF rowf ROWF rowf ROWF rowf rowf! - - - ROWF rowf rowf rowf ROWF ROWF rowf rowf ROWF! - Sprinklers are annoying. You can scare them away, but they always come back for more!
dr130930 -- Hello! Welcome to Bulk Club! - I like showing my Bulk Club membership card! - It says "I am somebody." - Actually, it says "I am somebody who is about to spend a whole lot of money!" Oooh! Down comforters!
dr131001 -- I can't decide which bathroom tissue to buy... - This brand has 48 big rolls, which is equal to 99 regular rolls, with 470 sheets per roll. - That brand has 30 jumbo rolls, which equals 83 regular rolls with 425 sheeths per roll. Get that
dr131001 -- one! - Why? It's the only one that fits in the cart!
dr131002 -- Oh, boy! Pizza samples! - Hey, didn't I just give you one?! - No, that was my twin brother! He just happens to be shopping here today, too! - Come to think of it, we're triplets! You may see another guy who looks like me in a minute!
dr131003 -- Let's go, Ralph! I'm ready to check out! - Buy a few more things, honeybunch... - I'm comfortable! The Bulk Club people are geniuses!
dr131004 -- - - Nope...I need to be strong! - Dad's idea of dieting is not putting sprinkles on his ice cream!
dr131005 -- Ralph, we bought a 70-inch high-definition TV just so you could watch sporting events... - And now you're telling me you'd rather listen to the baseball game on the RADIO?? - It's known as "The Vin Scully Factor."
dr131006 -- I've been thinking about something... - Congratulations! How can people never-- - WHADDAYA MEAN CONGRATULATIONS??! - ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF Why don't cats and dogs get along? I don't know, but I bet it's the cat's fault!
dr131007 -- Dad, is it too early to carve a pumpkin? - Yes. Darn! - Put it all back inside!
dr131008 -- - snarf! - snarf! - snarf snarf - -
dr131009 -- munch munch - munch munch munch . Remember, "good things come to those who wait." - I want pork rinds, not pearls of wisdom!
dr131010 -- Dad, you need to become more skilled on the computer! - For example, say you wanted to send this article  you're reading to mom's computer. How would you do it? No idea. - Click "Share", click "E-Mail", type mom's address, and "send"! Isn't
dr131010 -- that easy? - Ralph, why did you send me "how to lose that unsightly gut"?
dr131011 -- I love jumping into a pile of autumn leaves! - - SPLAT! - Jumping into a pile of pumpkin seeds isn't quite as enjoyable! At least now you know!
dr131012 -- whoosh! - squeaky squeaky squeaky sqakk! - Ta-daa! - Aunt Helen!
dr131013 -- Dang! My ball is buried in the sand! - A golfer cannot touch the sand with his club before striking the ball. - That's because he might use it to move the sand away to get a better shot at the ball. pace pace pace - How should I handle this?
dr131013 -- pace pace pace - Hmm...let's see... pace pace pace -  pace pace pace pace pace - A little pacing never hurts!
dr131014 -- Dad, why don't you have any tattoos? Because they're permanent! - Having tattoos would be like wearing the same clothes day after day! - Yeah, who would want to do that?? Certainly not the Drabble family!
dr131015 -- Wally - - BOMP! - Oops!
dr131016 -- Look, honeybunch! I carved a pumpkin to look like your mother! - It's too early to carve a pumpkin! - By Halloween, it'll be all old an ugly and rotten! - Yeah, it'll look perfect!
dr131017 -- I think I see my favorite pumpkin! - Oh yeah? Well, *I* see MY favorite pumpkin! - I'll bet MY favorite is better than yours! We'll see! - We're so much alike, it's SCARY! My SIDE is better!
dr131018 -- Why am I so bad at golf? - I've been playing for years, and I never get any better! - I read the books, I watch the instructional videos...why can't I hit the ball straight? What am I doing wrong? - Maybe it's your clubs! Yeah, maybe I'm
dr131018 -- left-handed!
dr131019 -- I could've been a great quarterback! - Watch! - AAAAAHHH! A BEE!! - Well, real quarterbacks wear padding!
dr131020 -- - snarf! - SNARF! - - SNARF! SNARF! - snarf snarf snarf snarf snarf snarf -  snarf! Wiener dogs sure know how to entertain themselves! So do wiener dog OWNERS.
dr131021 -- Expecting a lot of trick-or-treaters this year? Yep. - And sadly, many of them will be disappointed!
dr131022 -- How do you like my new bumper sticker, Norm? - "How's my Driving?" - Shouldn't it be on the OUTSIDE of the car? I put it where your mom could see it!
dr131023 -- - Bleah!
dr131024 -- My dad suggested we watch this old black-and-white monster movie, Echo! - He said the old ones are much scarier than the movies they make today. Really? - - You're welcome, son!
dr131025 -- Listen, No-Neck, if you don't want to go to the opera, just tell your wife! - Don't be afraid to speak your mind! Be more like me! I'm the MAN of my... - - I'm the MAN of my house!
dr131026 -- Hold still, Oogie... carve carve carve... - OK, thank you! - Oogie is a good pumpkin model! I'd call it a "grumpkin"!
dr131027 -- DING DONG! scoop scoop! - Dad, Mr. Steinbauer's at the door! He seems mad about something again! - I'll handle this... - Drabble, I've got a bone to pick with you... Whoa! I don't feel so good! - BLEAH! SPLAT! - I've never seen him leave so
dr131027 -- fast! I guess we won't be roasting pumpkin seeds!
dr131028 -- I can't think of a scary costume for Halloween! - People aren't scared of vampires and monsters anymore! - What do people find frightening nowadays? I have an idea... - EEK! BIG SWIG 44 oz
dr131029 -- Ding Dong * rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf WALLY, BE QUIET! - rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf IT'S JUST THE TRICK-OR-TREATERS! I CAN'T TAKE ALL THIS RACKET!! - rowf rowf rowf rowf Me, neither. GO GET THE MUZZLE! - Bery phunny!
dr131030 -- knock knock knock! - Trick or... - rowf rowf rowf rowf! AAAUUGGH!! - Nice badger costume!
dr131031 -- Trick or treat! Here you go! - Hm...this appears to be a popcorn ball of some kind! - It could be anywhere from three days to two years old! - Mind if I call a buddy of mine to come down and check this out? Some kids watch too much TV!
dr131101 -- Oh, no! I left my wallet at home! - Don't worry, honeybunch! I have mine! You don't understand... - When I don't have my wallet, I feel out of control! - I feel out of control when you DO have your wallet!
dr131102 -- I love to spend time in the car so we can talk about things, don't you, Ralph? Sigh... - Try to guess who I always think of when we pass through this town! OK, but don't tell me! - - You're not guessing! In order to guess, I need absolute
dr131102 -- silence.
dr131103 -- - So, what's the score? - I have no idea. - You have NO IDEA?? Nope... - But the blonde in section 24, aisle 16, row 7, seat 12 ought to get into modeling! - Hey, YOU'RE the one who wanted to buy a 70-inch high-definition TV!!
dr131104 -- Patrick, have I ever told you about the time I got lost at the summer camp? - Yes, you've told me that story seven times, most recently on 5-24-13. - I've listed all of your stories on a spreadsheet, along with the last time you told it! -
dr131104 -- You can tell me about your amazing catch in little league again. I haven't heard that one scine 9-14-11!
dr131105 -- Why do they have to post eh CALORIES on the menu?? - I think the politicians passed a law! - They want the public to have as much important information as possible so we can make an informed choice! - I'll believe that when they start posting
dr131105 -- important information inside the voting booth!
dr131106 -- - - BOMP! ** OW! - Great. He taught himself to throw!
dr131107 -- "Mr. and Mrs. Bear had jut put their children to bed. - "Suddenly there was a knock at the door." - rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf - I can't decide if that dog is really smart or really dumb!
dr131108 -- Welcome to Galtburger! May I take your order, please? - Hey. Oh...hey. - Please pull up to the first window, please. - I come here a lot! Here you go, Ralph!
dr131109 -- Dad, I think it's time to upgrade my cellphone! - It's old and outdated! - RING Nobody has a phone this old! - Hello? Almost nobody.
dr131110 -- Ralph, don't turn the wheel when the car isn't moving! It wears down the tread! - Don't go over speed bumps so fast! It's not good for the car! - And stop making those jackrabbit starts! That's not good for the car, either! - - - It's also
dr131110 -- not good for the car when someone backs into a fire hydrant because she was trying to drive and put on make-up at the same time. - It was worth it!
dr131111 -- Darn! It's raining! - Who would want to go outside on a day like this?? - - OK, besides Bob the Duck, who would want to go outside on a day like this??
dr131112 -- And now a word from our sponsor... - Hey, motorists, stuck i traffic? - HONK! BEEP BEEP SCREECH!! rrrrrrrrrrrrr! - There should be a law against using horns and sirens in radio commercials!
dr131113 -- And ano...anted to tell...ere be going t...aturday so don't...bring... ...Sigh... - Why does she always talk when I'm trying to read? - move away, Ralph, your body gives off a lot of heat! - Your body gives off a lot of WORDS! - Yes, dear!
dr131114 -- 97! Number 97! - 97? - Are you 97? - I sure feel like it sometimes!
dr131115 -- Aaah...the house is peaceful and quiet! - No TV, no computer games...what relieffrom the incessant noise of modern technology! - All I hear is the sound of crickets chirping! - Those aren't crickets. They're text alerts! chirp chirp chirp
dr131115 -- chirp chirp  chirp chirp chirp chirp chirp  chirp chirp chirp chirp chirp
dr131116 -- FROZEN YOGURT Do we serve ourselves? - Yes. We have twelve flavors to choose from. Here's a taster cup! - - I may need another cup!
dr131117 -- By the way, Ralph, how did you like the dinner I made? It was a new recipe, and I slaved over it all afternoon! - Well, since you mentioned it, I... - SMART RALPH Hold on, big guy!! - This is NOT the time to tell her you didn't like dinner!!
dr131117 -- - DUMB RALPH Even *I* agree with that! Don't say anything critical!! - REAL DUMB RALPH Are you a man or a mouse?? Go ahead and tell her it tasted like boiled insulating material! - Sigh... Why do you always listen to HIM?? If I'd known you'd
dr131117 -- end up on the couch, I'd have mentioned that lousy dessert, too!
dr131118 -- I'm having a pizza delivered, Norm! Uh-oh...every time someone knocks on the door, Wally barks his head off! - I'll just have to train him to stop it! He's a dumb animal, you know. - He hears a sound and he reacts! - knock knock! HE'S HERE!!
dr131118 -- rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf! rowf - Maybe dad's not the best one to train Wally.
dr131119 -- Wally, today I'm going to train you not to bark when you hear someone at the door! - Are you NUTS?? Why would you want to do THAT?? - My job is to alert you to the presence of danger! - What's next? Disconnecting the smoke alarm?
dr131120 -- OK, Wally, I'm going to train you not to bark every time you hear a... - You know what! - A knock? ROWF! rowf! rowf! rowf! rowf! ROWF! rowf! rowf! rowf! rowf! - You're going to need a bigger box of dog biscuits! sorry.
dr131121 -- OK, Wally...when you hear Patrick knock on the door, remain calm and don't bark! - Ready? Ready! - knock knock! ROWF rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf ROWF rowf!! - Let's try that again! Apparently, I wasn't as ready as I thought I was!
dr131122 -- Wally, I'm determined to teach you to stop barking at the door. Now, let's try it again... - knock knock! - You didn't bark!! Good job! See? You're not so dumb, after all! - munch munch! ...he said as he ate the dog biscuit!
dr131123 -- knock knock! - Good boy! Here you go! - I trained Wally not to bark at the door! - I thought I was training him to give me dog biscuits!
dr131124 -- - I don't believe it! We already got a CHRISTMAS CARD! - It's still NOVEMBER! - What kind of individual sends out Christmas cards in November? - Oh. - "Return to Sender"! My card to the Walkers came back? They must have moved!
dr131125 -- Stupid duck! - Bob isn't a duck, dad. He's a rare South American parrot! - You should appreciate him! I do! - I consider him a vital part of our six-month emergency food supply!
dr131126 -- I don't really like turkey. - I don't really like stuffing or candied yams or cranberry sauce, either! - That's what I like about thanksgiving... - It's the only day of the year I can stick to my diet!
dr131127 -- So what are you thankful for, Norm? - I'm thankful for being in college! - That's good to hear, son! - In high school, I actually had to pretend to be sick to miss school. Now I can just miss whenever I want!
dr131128 -- I'd love to be one of the people who walk in the parade, holding on to those big balloon characters! - Really? It's probably harder than you think, Ralph! - Imagine trying to hang on to something that has a mind of its own, and fights you
dr131128 -- every step of the way! - I think I could handle it!
dr131129 -- Goodbye, uncle Tim! Goodbye, grammy! - Goodbye, uncle Boozer! Bye, aunt Snarky! Bye, screaming kids! - Bye, cousin Rick! Thanks again for bringing your giant dog! - Whew! I know why they call it thanksgiving. I'm always thankful when the
dr131129 -- relatives go home!
dr131130 -- Wally, no! - COME BACK HERE! - People with wiener dogs need to allow extra time for decorating!
dr131201 -- I'm finally losing weight, honeybunch! - I can hardly keep my pants up! There might be other reasons for that! Dad's the only guy I know who keeps a bottle of ketchup in his cargo shorts!
dr131202 -- I'm off to play in my intramural kickball game, dad! - Intramural KICKBALL?? - Would you like to come watch me? - What father wouldn't be proud to watch his own son play in a kickball game? you don't need to come right away. I'm batting
dr131202 -- eighth!
dr131203 -- It'd fun to watch Norm play shortstop on his kickball team! - He looks like he's put on some weight! - NORMAN! DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING UNDER YOUR SHIRT? - Thanks, mom! I was about to pull the hidden ball trick!
dr131204 -- Kickball is like baseball, but you kick it instead. - Look! It's Norman's turn! GO,NORM!! - Let's try to give him some confidence! - He seems pretty confident!
dr131205 -- STRIKE ONE! - KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE BALL, NORM!! STAND UP STRAIGHT! BEND YOUR KNEES! - STRIKE TWO! - Maybe you shouldn't go to your kids' athletic events! How can you not kick a ball that's rolling 2 miles per hour??
dr131206 -- Ralph, it's just a kickball game! Don't be so intense! - He kicked it! It's a bouncer to short! - The throw to first base... Out??! - YOU NEED GLASSES, UMP! BAD CALL!! BOOO!!! Honeybunch, please...
dr131207 -- I can't believe I yelled at a KICKBALL umpire! I'm so embarrassed! - Yeah, you need to mellow-out! You take things way too seriously! - ME?? What about YOU?? You got a little vocal, yourself! - Yeah, but only because the internation kickball
dr131207 -- role book backed me up!
dr131208 -- Hey! - What happened to all the other frozen ice pops that were in here? - We used to have a whole bunch of them! I wanted a blue one! - Dad, did you eat the rest of the ice pops? - Of course I didn't eat them! They're right here! - I needed
dr131208 -- to put ice on my lower back, so I stuck 'em down my pants! I think I'll have a cookie instead!
dr131209 -- SQUEEEEK! - - By the way, how's your diet going? Thanks for leaving your squeaky toy in front of the refrigerator!
dr131210 -- Stop it! OW! He's touching me! - Will you kids please keep your hands to yourselves? - Knock it off! Stop! WREATHS -
dr131211 -- Good boy, Wally! - Your turn, Oogie! - SHRED! - Oops. Looks like the training session is over!
dr131212 -- - - - I know you're into decorating, but can we just do one holiday at a time? Valentine's day is right around the corner!
dr131213 -- ? - - BOO! - You've heard of the Dog Whisperer? I'm the Cat Startler! You need a hobby.
dr131214 -- I can't understand why our tree is already dry! - It seems to be drinking a lot of water! - lap lap lap lap lap lap - If you have a cat, you probably think your Christmas tree drinks more water than it really does!
dr131215 -- - DING DONG! - - Wait a minute...I sent you the wrong door. The Porters live on the next street! - Go back and get that plate of cookies! - Sorry. My bad! snatch! - Have I ever mentioned how much I hate delivering secret Santa gifts? Only 23
dr131215 -- to 60!
dr131216 -- Polecat International Airport Ho ho ho! Who's next? You, sir! Come visit Santa! - What have we here? Nail clippers? You've been a naughty boy! - Can I just walk through the metal detector? Where's your Christmas spirit? Santa's security Check
dr131216 -- Next!
dr131217 -- KNOCK KNOCK! WALLY - BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK Someone's at the door! - That was the TV, dum-dum! - BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK
dr131217 -- BARK Someone's at the TV!! ...Sigh...
dr131218 -- 1965 - 1973 - 1997 - 2013 Watching "A Charlie Brown Christmas" AGAIN? Some things never change!
dr131219 -- DECEMBER - I can't believe we're almost there! I can't believe you started the countdown in October!
dr131220 -- - WAP! - Who knocked that down? - It looked like an inside job to me!
dr131221 -- - - WALLY bark bark bark bark bark
dr131222 -- ...and when you're all fast asleep... - Santa Claus will sneak down the chimney and leave presents under our tree! - How can he possibly get in our house without waking us all up?? - I don't know, but he always does! - Something tells me
dr131222 -- Santa's about to meet his match! The U.P.S. guy can't leave a package on the NEXT BLOCK without Wally barking his head off!
dr131223 -- Why is the PET GATE up?? - I can't get into the living room! - How am I supposed to chew up the ornaments, jump all over the gifts and tear off the wrapping paper? - This is supposed to be the hap-happiest time of the year!
dr131224 -- We've been blocked from the living room! - I can't steal the ornaments! You can't drink water from under the Christmas tree! It's an outrage! - You and I are the only ones who can't... - lap lap lap lap lap!
dr131225 -- OK, Wally...the gifts have been unwrapped... - Paper and ribbon are all over the living room floor! - Go get it! - Remind me never to ask Wally to get the mail! tear! rip! shred shred!
dr131226 -- Look, Wally! A BALL! - - - Now I know where they got the term "going BALLISTIC"!
dr131227 -- Want me to throw the ball, Wally? - OK! - GO GET IT! - I can't believe I fell for that again! "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me 3,748 times, shame on me."
dr131228 -- I feel motivated to clean the attic! - - - Thank goodness that feeling subsided!
dr131229 -- I'M HOME FROM WORK! WALLY - Hey, Wally! - lick lick - slurp slurp lick - Hello, Ralph! - You didn't spoil your dinner on the way home tonight, did you? - Of course not! - And if I did, I can always count on Wally to get rid of the telltale
dr131229 -- evidence! Donuts and chili!
dr131230 -- - - skattle skattle skattle skattle - Just because I'm holding a rolled-up newspaper doesn't mean you're in trouble! Be careful with that thing!
dr131231 -- I'll count down!  No, *I* will! We ALL will! - 3...2...1... - HAPPY NEW YEAR!! ding ding ding bark! BARK BARK rowf rowf BARK bark rowf bark bark barkbowf rowf rowf Toot! FWEEP! rattle rattle tweet BARK bark bark HONK honk bark bark beep bark
dr131231 -- bark rattle rattle ding ding bark bark bark bark bark ROWF ROWK What on earth made you think OUR family needed noise makers?
dr140101 -- What a day! Parades and football! - This is the reason I bought a high-definition, big-screen TV! - I thought you said you bought it because of the anchorwoman on channel mmmfph... - Here, have some popcorn!
dr140102 -- - - No wonder it was so heavy!
dr140103 -- How's everything? - My cake pops failed. - They melted and fell off the sticks and the chocolate tasted fuunny and I'm really mad about it! - Instead of asking "how's everything?" I should ask "How are MOST things?"
dr140104 -- What are you doing?? Putting away the Christmas decorations! - Don't do that! I haven't taken a picture yet! A picture?? - I arranged the cabinet perfectly, and I need a picture so I can do it the same way next year! - Put it all back exactly
dr140104 -- where it was! *I* should've taken a picture!
dr140105 -- yawn! Well, I think I'll turn in! You forgot to feed me! - I thick I will, too! Nobody fed me! - Good night, Norm! 'nite, dad! How could they forget to feed me?? - Good night, Penny! 'nite, daddy! Am I that unimportant to everyone? - Good
dr140105 -- night, Patrick! Good night! I never forget to greet you when you come home! - I never forget to bark when a badger is outside! - How could you forget to FEED me?? - And don't look at me like I forgot to feed you! I gave you dinner AND
dr140105 -- leftovers! Was that tonight? In dog years, it seems like last week!
dr140106 -- - - - When you're in a hurry, it's best not to bring Ralph to the all-you-can-eat buffet!
dr140107 -- Hey, this is interesting... - Dachshunds have long snouts because it makes it easier to find badgers in their burrows! - Is that true? Yup! - It also makes it easier to find cheetos in the sofa cushions!
dr140108 -- - YAK YAK YAKKITTY YAK YAKITTY YAK - Nothing is worse than when a loud guy on a cellphone sits next to you! - YAKITTY YAK YAK YAK YAK YAK YAKITTY    YAK YAKITTY YAK YAK YAK YAK YAK YAK Once again, I stand corrected!
dr140109 -- What more can I say? - I did what I did when I did it, and there's nothin' I can do about it now! - WHOA! That was GOOD! - Who knew I had a knack for writing COUNTRY SONGS?
dr140110 -- OK, I'm done! - I cleaned up my room! - Now I have one less thing to worry about! - Just what he needed...less on his mind!
dr140111 -- I love nachos! - What could be easier? Some chips, some cheese slices... - And pop it in the microwave! - How come the cheese isn't melted? I got impatient.
dr140112 -- * - Hello? You called me a few minutes ago. Who is this? - Oh, yeah...I dialed a wrong number. Sorry. Why didn't you leave a message TELLING ME it was a wrong number?! - Well, because then you'd think it was something important, and I was
dr140112 -- just trying to be... - CLICK! - - Hello? WHY DID YOU HANG UP UPON ME? Modern technology sure brings strangers together!
dr140113 -- pick pick claw rip - KNOCK IT OFF, OR I'LL... rip shred pick pick - You'll what? pick claw shred. - Another reason why computers aren't as good as newspapers? rip pick pick
dr140114 -- Oogie, don't just lie there and make me step over you! - You act like you rule the world! - Stupid cat! - He didn't even pet me!
dr140115 -- Dang! Whenever I try to zap through the commercials, I stop too soon! - They make it look like the show is about to resume... - But as soon as I stop fast-forwarding, they show more commercials! - You don't think they do that on purpose, do
dr140115 -- you? Heavens, no!
dr140116 -- I like The History Channel! I know, You watch it all the time. - I learn a lot! - But what do you learn by watching the same episodes of the same shows over and over again? - History repeats itself!
dr140117 -- By the way, Penny, how come you never play with your new doll? - The one you really wanted for Christmas. - The one I waited for at four A.M. on Black Friday. - I thought you didn't like that doll! We're having some cookies and guilt!
dr140118 -- Bye, dad. - Don't forget to wipe the sleep from your eyes, son! - squeaky squeak squeak! - After all, it IS four P.M.!
dr140119 -- I need to start an exercise routine! - - - - - - I'm glad SOMEBODY'S getting a workout around here!
dr140120 -- - - I'm not in THAT bad of mood! Do we have any caution tape?
dr140121 -- The car up there is backing up! - He might not see us. Honk the horn! - toot-toot! - Next time, push the middle of the steering wheel instead of the little button on the keychain! Oh, yeah, huh!
dr140122 -- Cats never eat dog food... - - But dogs will eat cat food. - Which is why I get fed o the table!
dr140123 -- This shot could tie the game... - HEY! WHAT HAPPENED?? WHO CHANGED THE CHANNELS? - This is why dogs shouldn't be allowed on the furniture! These things wouldn't happen if you'd share your popcorn!
dr140124 -- Welcome to Down-N-Out Burgers! May I take your order?  - - Coming right up! You've heard of the secret menu? I just ordered the SUPER secret menu!
dr140125 -- ? - I always forget where I parked! - press! OVER HERE,DUMMY! - Fortunately, my horn has a distinctive beep!
dr140126 -- RING! Hello? Yes, this is Mrs. Drabble. Who's calling? - The credit card fraud division?? ...what? You suspect someone else is using my card because of some unusual purchases? Like what? - Someone spent $122.46 at the Kitty Boutique? That was
dr140126 -- me. - And a charge of $251.33 at the Apron Emporium Outlet Store? That was me, too. - A charge of $471.83 at the Dollar Store? Yes, that was me as well! - Who was on the phone, honeybunch? - The credit card fraud division. They thought a
dr140126 -- strange person was using my card! No comment from me!
dr140127 -- What are you doing, Ralph? - I'm oiling the hinges on the pantry so the door won't squeak! - Therefore making it easier for you to sneak a midnight snack? - She knows me too well! I'll just hang a bell on the door!
dr140128 -- What's for dinner, honeybunch? - Leftovers! Oh. - Why don't you like leftovers? - If I liked them the first time, there wouldn't be any left over!
dr140129 -- purrr! - PURRR - SHRED! - Oh, there you are! Let me guess: it's dinnertime!
dr140130 -- Hey, knock it off! pick pick claw - Ralph, will you please feed the cat? - With pleasure! shred pick claw rip - Feed it to what?
dr140131 -- purrrr... - Poor kitty! - Why don't you ever pick up Oogie? - Because once you pick up a cat, it's almost impossible to put it back down!
dr140201 -- DING DONG! - - Merry Christmas and a happy Groundhog Day! - Boy, those guys really DID fall behind over the holidays!
dr140202 -- SUPER BOWL Viewer's PENALTY Guide - Unsportsmanlike Conduct So, which team is which? - Delay of Game Hey! Don't PAUSE it!! I have to go to the bathroom! - False Start Don't eat yet, dad! We haven't said a prayer! - Piling on You're
dr140202 -- disgusting. - Encroachment STOP TOUCHING ME! STAY ON YOUR SIDE OF THE COUCH! - Excessive Time-Outs I have to go the bathroom again! - Holding GIVE ME THE REMOTE! No! I want to watch that commercial one more time! - Excessive Celebration
dr140202 -- ...Sigh... WOO-HOO! I WON THE POOL!
dr140203 -- Gosh, dad...you're getting old! - What's it like to know you're almost *50*? - It's not so bad... - Especially since I feel like I'm about *80*!
dr140204 -- Dad, can I borrow your swimming trunks? - Sure, but what for? It's the dead of winter! - My snowman is a size XXL!
dr140205 -- You dumb cat! - You claw the furniture and get cat hair all over my clothes... - And now you expect me to PET you?? - Oh, all right! I also left a fur ball in the hallway!
dr140206 -- - Not bad for a man of my age! - I have a body that WON'T QUIT! - It may not quit, but it could stand a little DOWNSIZING!
dr140207 -- If we want to make it to the movies on time, we need to leave now! - We're just waiting for you, honeybunch! We're ready when you are, mom! OK! Let's go! - I have to go to the bathroom first! I need to find my shoes! Where are my keys? Thank
dr140207 -- goodness for the previews!
dr140208 -- SLAM! Mom's home. - It's funny...whenever Wally gets startled, his ears fly up! - WHO ATE THE COOKIES I BAKED FOR BOOK CLUB?!!
dr140209 -- Open the trunk for me, Norm! - How? - Push the button! - ...Sigh... push push push push push - Hurry! This is heavy! HOW DOES IT WORK?!! - Hold it down! - how does it work?
dr140210 -- There! - I achieve my goal of putting away all the Christmas decorations before Valentine's Day! - It's such a good feeling to finally have it all packed away! - You forgot this!
dr140211 -- Friday is Valentine's day, Dad! - Don't forget to buy a card for mom! - I never forget! - No, you always remember at the last minute when all the valentine's cards are picked-over! Did she notice it was a "get well" card last year?
dr140212 -- MARKET I usually wait until the last minute to buy my wife's valentine card. - By the time I get to the store, the cards are all gone! - Not this year! I got here in plenty of time! - One card left!
dr140213 -- - - I WIN! SCISSORS CUT PAPER! - My wife gets the last valentine's card! I still say I saw it first!
dr140214 -- I love getting homemade valentines from my children! - But not so much from my husband! I told you to buy a card before they got picked-over! Will you at least hang it on the refrigerator?
dr140215 -- Ralph, I can't believe you made me a valentine's card with paper and crayons! - Sorry, honeybunch. I waited until the last minute to buy one! - By the time I got to the store, the racks were practically empty! - The only card left was a
dr140215 -- sympathy card! - That would've worked, too!
dr140216 -- I can't believe he still hasn't fixed the closet door! - He better not be lounging around! - Where's your father? He's in the kitchen! - Ralph, when are you going to... - Never mind. I can see you're busy! - Dad has finally found a place where
dr140216 -- he can nap undisturbed! ZZYZX
dr140217 -- * Oh, it's the most... * ** - wonderful time * * of the year... * - You're still singing Christmas songs? - Nope...pitchers and catchers report to spring training this week!
dr140218 -- What are you watching, honeybunch? Home movies! - sploosh! This is when you pushed me into the lake, remember? Yeah, hee hee! - I STILL can't believe you did that! How dare you do such a thing! - Enjoy the couch tonight! I hate watching home
dr140218 -- movies. I get in trouble for things all over again!
dr140219 -- Whenever a dog wants to frighten someone, he bares his teeth! - Watch this... - - yawn! Maybe I should practice in the mirror!
dr140220 -- - zzyzx - - WALLY
dr140221 -- ...Sigh... - Beat it, you dumb cat! - - It's hard to remove a cat from a chair!
dr140222 -- - - - - - If you think THIS is lame, you should watch me play ping-pong!
dr140223 -- Some PERSONAL OBSERVATIONS From Ralph Drabble - "It's sad to think that I have to exercise just to stay in this bad of shape!" - "There are two kinds of people in the world: Cat lovers and normal people." pick pick claw snag rip - "I always
dr140223 -- consider opposing viewpoints. I consider them stupid." !!! - "The road to the poorhouse is lined with great parking places."  Oh, look! There's a space right in front of Bulk Club! - "You know you're getting old when all you have are memories
dr140223 -- and you can't remember any of them." I'll never forget the time that I...wait, that wasn't me! - "The only way I can get a 72 on the golf course is to holler FORE 18 times." Uh-oh! - "My wife is the reason there's always a 25-minute wait when
dr140223 -- you call a customer service." What's the weather like in India? - "If my life was a basketball game, I'd be in garbage time!"
dr140224 -- Ralph, will you please feed the dog? Sure! - Remember, put his food in the microwave for exactly 14 seconds! - Any more will make it too hot, and any less makes it too cold! - He eats out of the garbage. He's not that picky! Forget it. I'll
dr140224 -- do it!
dr140225 -- I hope you like this cat food, Oogie. It was on sale! - ON SALE?? Cats never eat food that's on sale!! - I'll teach her a lesson by leaving it untouched! - chomp chomp chomp It's hard to make a point around here!
dr140226 -- ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF! - bark bark BARK bark BARK bark bark bark bark BARK!! bark - GRRRRRRRRRR! - "The Badger Whisperer"!
dr140227 -- 'bye! - I met someone in the restroom whose aunt was born in the same town as my great.grandmother! - Isn't that AMAZING?? - What's amazing is that you can strike up conversations in the restroom! Her cat's birthday id april 29th!
dr140228 -- - plip! - - Tell me again how to fill a salt shaker! I'll draw you a diagram.
dr140301 -- WALLY - KINKLE KRINKLE - I don't believe those are on your diet! - Whoever invented the potato chip bag was not a midnight snacker!
dr140302 -- Oh, boy! - My favorite thing to eat is the pepperoni that falls off in the pizza box! - MY favorite thing to eat is a hot dog at the baseball game! - I like the candy corn that's shaped like little pumpkins! - I like the loose french fries at
dr140302 -- the bottom of the take-home-sack! - My favorite thing to eat is popcorn at the movie theater! - I like wet grass and mice! I like tissues from the waste basket, but no one asked us!
dr140303 -- Ralph, our reservations are at 7:00, and I want to be there on time! - We need to be IN THE CAR in exactly ten minutes. Do you understand? - I do. Good. - Like I'M the reason we're always late! I have just enough time to repaint my nails and
dr140303 -- give the dog a bath!
dr140304 -- Why do we have to fly a kite, dad? - Every kid should have the experience of flying a kite! It's the 21st century, you know. - I'll get it flying, then I'll hand it to you so you can have the thrill of controlling it! - Sigh...
dr140305 -- Hi, Stu! Hey, Norm. - Hey, guys. Hi, Leonard. - Hello, Elgin. - Friends are those things that you sit next to in public while looking at social media on your phone!
dr140306 -- Nope. - Let's try this one... - Bingo! - Back in simpler times, I watched TV with a bowl of popcorn!
dr140307 -- This dumb cat is never afraid of me! Yawn! - Maybe I need to practice my snarl! - SNARL! - Wow! That was good!
dr140308 -- I love Saturdays! I don't have to get up early! - SQUEAKY SQUEAK - I love Saturdays! squeak squeak! We're not exactly on the same page, are we?
dr140309 -- Hey, Patrick! Where are mom and dad? - They're in the den, watching TV! - I need to ask them something... - *SMOOCH SMOOCH * * KISS KISS * * - On second thought, I don't think I'll bother them. - I hate it when mom kisses the dog!
dr140310 -- KNOCK KNOCK - Someone's knocking at the door! Why aren't you barking? - How come you're smiling? What's going on here? - * Ooogie! The cat groomer is here! NOT AGAIN!
dr140311 -- All done! - I gave Oogie a "lion cur". - You can come out now, Oogie! I'd rather not. - You don't look THAT ridiculous! Go away! What the heck is THAT??
dr140312 -- Oogie? Why are you under there? The cat groomer made me look ridiculous! - Cats are proud! Cats have dignity! Now I'm a laughing stock! - I refuse to come out for at least six months! - WHIRRRRRRRRRRRR CAN OPENER!!
dr140313 -- I can't believe the cat groomer did this to me! - I look undignified! - Oh, well...that's too bad! - Fortunately, cat hair grows fast!
dr140314 -- MOM! I FOUND YOUR KEYS! - Oh, thank goodness! - How is it even possible to lose those keys?
dr140315 -- ...SIGH... - Quit sighing so loud, Ralph! It's annoying! - A man is entitled to sigh now and then! Besides, I don't sigh that loud! - Dad, Mr. Steinbauer is calling. He wants you to stop sighing so loud! ...SIGH...
dr140316 -- OH NO WHAT?! WHAT'S WRONG??! - Nothing is wrong! I was just reading that personalized license plate over there! - It says "Oh No," see? - Never say "Oh No" while I'm driving! I thought you were trying to tell me something! - Relax! I was just
dr140316 -- pointing out an interesting license plate! Don't be so jumpy! - OH SHUSH! - DON'T SHUSH ME!! It was a license plate! Wait...where'd it go?
dr140317 -- Polecat International Airport pinch! WATCH IT, BUSTER!! - Sorry, but it's St. Patrick's day, and you weren't wearing green! People waiting in airport security lines aren't always in the holiday spirit, No-Neck!
dr140318 -- I'm leaving to play golf, honeybunch! - OK! DON'T fOrget a snaCK! - ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF What's he barking at? I didn't hear a knock! Wally hears what he wants to hear!
dr140319 -- This basketball game is STILL ON?? - There are 12 seconds left. There were 30 seconds left 15 MINUTES AGO! - Why does time always drag on and on in basketball games? - I've wondered the same thing about your mother's house.
dr140320 -- There's nothing on TV! Gimme those clickers! - click click click click - Write 'em up, chumlee! Here we go! - Her idea of nothing on TV and MY idea of nothing on TV are not the same!
dr140321 -- - shake shake shake - SHHHKK" - Please tell me you didn't just make a peanut butter and whipped cream sandwich! Why? Is it almost dinnertime?
dr140322 -- I'm getting old! - I hurt all over! - Don't exaggerate, Ralph! Who's exaggerating?? - I have pains in places I didn't know I had places!
dr140323 -- Get out of my chair, Wally! - I was here first! - I paid for it! - I guard the house against burglars who would steal it! - I am the MASTER of this house! - - Even I didn't believe that one!
dr140324 -- Mornin', guys! Mornin', Ralph! Here's your donut! - We've been meeting here for a donut before work every day for the last ten years! - That's about 10,000 donuts between us! - Suddenly I feel very fat! Suddenly?? Just be glad donuts have
dr140324 -- holes in them!
dr140325 -- I understand your anniversary is this week, mom! That's right, Norman! - How long have you and dad been married? - Are you asking because you want to know, or are you asking because your dad forgot and sent you in here to ask? - All I found
dr140325 -- out is that you've been married a long time! Dang!
dr140326 -- My anniversary is tomorrow. I need ideas. - What can I do to show my wife I'm not a cheapskate? - You could take her to dinner and a movie. - BOTH??
dr140327 -- What should I do for my anniversary? Take her to a "chick flick". - It's been a while since I've been to the movies. How can I tell if it's a chick flick? - Find one starring Hudson or Barrymore! - Rock Hudson and Lionel Barrymore have movies
dr140327 -- out?? It really HAS been a while!
dr140328 -- I always buy my wife funny anniversary cards. - That's because I'm embarrassed to give her mushy ones. - But she said she's really like ii if I did. - "You warm my heart like a field of daffodils"?? WAA HA HA!! I can't win.
dr140329 -- I must say, Ralph, you made our anniversary pretty special! - What a sweet idea to bring me back to the same place we went for pizza on our very first date! - Too bad it's now a tire store! They have a pretty good deal on steel-belted
dr140329 -- radials!
dr140330 -- Where would you like to sit, honeybunch? I don't care. - But not by the kitchen. - And not there, either. It's right under the air vent! - And not there. I prefer a table by a window! - Would you like to sit HERE? I told you, I don't care! -
dr140330 -- Actually, the view is better over there! Notice how I didn't bother to sit down!
dr140331 -- WALLY ZZYZX! - SKNZZXX! - Everyone snores a little differently. - He's probably dreaming about march madness! KRZYZEWSKI!
dr140401 -- ROWF ROWF rowf ROWF rowf ROWF rowf rowf ROWF ROWF - ROWF ROWF rowf rowf ROWF rowf ...Sigh... - There's no one at the door, you dumb dog! - April's fools!
dr140402 -- I have to admit, this Internet music site is GREAT! - You can pick the style of music you want to listen to! - I've acquired a whole new appreciation for Louis Armstrong, Ella Fitzgerald and Nat King Cole! - Finally, there's something about
dr140402 -- the 21st century that I LIKE! The music of the 20th century!
dr140403 -- I'm making a sandwich! Peanut butter, potato chips... - whipped cream, chocolate fudge... - It's my own recipe! Some day you might see me on "Top Chef". - Or "Untold Stories from the E.R." whoops! I almost forgot the bacon!
dr140404 -- Now they want soft drinks to come with warning labels! - I think POLITICIANS should come with warning labels! - WA HA HA HA HA HA HA! - I love being at the donut shop in the morning!
dr140405 -- Here's an interesting wiener dog fact... - Do you know why dachshunds' bodies are long? - So they can find badgers in their burrows. - Among other things!
dr140406 -- This is a perfect day for kite flying! I don't get id, dad... - Why do you always want us to learn to fly a kite? Kids today don't realize the importance of kite flying! - It's much better than being absorbed in computers and cellphones! - It
dr140406 -- teaches you important things, like aerodynamics and perseverance! - When you get that kite in the air and then reel it safely back in, there's a sense of accomplishment! - Every kid ought to know how to fly a kite! - And every adult should
dr140406 -- know how to download songs to their iPods! What for?? I have you guys to do that for me!
dr140407 -- Dear Taylor Swift, - My name is Norman Drabble. - If I was your boyfriend, I'd never give you any reason to write a hit song about me. - I'm just sayin'.
dr140408 -- sniff sniff sniff - What?? You don't like it?? - IT'S DOG FOOD! How can you not like it?? You'll eat anything! - You'll eat stuff out of the GARBAGE! We have more garbage??!
dr140409 -- Hey, open the door! I want to come back inside! - What do I have to do to get their attention? - I'm always there when they need ME! - You were only out there for 15 seconds! Thanks. It's about time!
dr140410 -- bounce bounce bounce - spin spin - I take it you'd like me to wake up now. The sun is up somewhere in the world!
dr140411 -- DANG! - My odometer is at 100,001 miles! - I wanted to take a picture of it when it hit 100,000 miles, and I missed it! - COMING THROUGH! I don't think backing up will help.
dr140412 -- - I guess if I want to use a laptop in this position, I need to lose some weight!
dr140413 -- WHIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR - Did you REALLY wash your hands, son? - Or did you just go in there and turn on the electric hand dryer so I'd THINK you washed your hands? - - How do you always know these things? Every dad was an 8-year old boy
dr140413 -- once!
dr140414 -- URGENT CARE Mr. Drabble, all of your problems are related to junk food. - If you gave up donuts and ice cream, you'd feel 100% better! - Are you saying that all I have to do is give up donuts and ice cream? Correct! - What did the doctor say?
dr140414 -- He says there's nothing I can do.
dr140415 -- It's interesting to watch fans at baseball games. No one is paying attention! - They're talking or eating or texting or bopping beach balls! - I'll bet none of them have any idea what the score is! - What IS the score, dad? I have no idea!
dr140416 -- I'm stuffed! - When you eat ice cream from the carton, it can be hard to tell how much is in there! - But I can't put the carton back in the freezer after r I've eaten from it! - So I'll just have to keep going! What a guy!
dr140417 -- beep beep beep! - How long did you program the microwave for? 1:11 - I always set it for either 1:11 or 2:22 because pressing the "0" requires too much energy. - How about 3:33? It it's going to take that long, I'll eat something else!
dr140418 -- Sorry I'm running late, Ralph. You said we needed to leave at 6:30! It's OK, honeybunch! - I told you 6:30 because you're always late. We really don't need to leave until 6:45! - In that case, I have time to re-do my hair! - That's OK, too. We
dr140408 -- really, REALLY don't need to leave until 7:00!
dr140419 -- SKWEEK! - ! - SKWOOFF! - I'm not sure which sound effect I liked better!
dr140420 -- What a beautiful easter Sunday! - C'mon. Wally! Let's race! - Who wants to do cartwheels? - Wow! I haven't done this many chin-ups since high school! - Care to dance, honeybunch? Dad's had a lot of sugar, hasn't he? Apparently he likes easter
dr140420 -- candy even more than Halloween candy!
dr140421 -- Penny won a goldfish at the carnival. - But we didn't have a place to put him. - So I bought a tank, food, sand, marbles and equipment! - And we both went belly-up! Oh, * Relax! It's just a little * fish * humor!
dr140422 -- HE'S ALIVE!! HE'S ALIVE!! He is?? - He's lucky! He came very close to being flushed! - That's what I'll name him! - Lucky? No, FLUSH! * Flush * the Fish??
dr140423 -- ? - SKRAKKK! - I can't believe you're snacking on aerosol cheese! - You're supposed to be on a DIET! Think of all the calories I'm saving on crackers!
dr140424 -- Here's some food, Flush! - snarf snarf snarf snarf - - Three- * second * rule! *
dr140425 -- I'm worried about Flush! He's not moving around! - He's OK, Penny! He's probably just staring at his food! - Really? Why would he be doing that? - It seems to be a GUY thing!
dr140426 -- - - WA HA HA HA!! - Watch those bubble! Excuse me!
dr140427 -- What's wrong, Norm? I can't find my cellphone, dad! - I know it's in the house somewhere, but I've looked all over! - I hate it when I lose my phone! - I'm going to be late for school! What am I going to do?? ...Sigh... - Norman, use your
dr140427 -- head! - All you have to do is CALL IT! Oh, yeah, huh! - Why didn't *I* think of that?? - * PHONE! ** OH, PHONE! Better yet, use somebody else's head!
dr140428 -- KLANK! ** OW! - - * KLUNK * OW! - My surroundings seem to be protected by an invisible force-field! Flush is kind of stupid, isn't he? He'll fir right in!
dr140429 -- - tap tap tap! ! - Hee-hee! - tap tap AAAAAHH!
dr140430 -- I always record the baseball games. - That way, I can speed through the commercials! - The only problem is, sometimes I go a little too far... stop stop stop - And sometimes I go WAY too far! Hey, how did it get to the football season
dr140430 -- already??
dr140501 -- These are great seats, dad! - Good thing I brought my baseball glove! - Yeah, but you should have brought an OUTFIELDER'S glove! How come? - Holds more food!
dr140502 -- - Now he's eating PIZZA! - I saw you eat a hot dog, a slice of pizza, two churrow, a pretzel, nachos, peanuts, a frozen malt... I wonder if the inventor of Hi-def TV foresaw these kinds of problems?
dr140503 -- I'll zap through the commercials! - Whoops, I went a little too far! Whoops, wrong way! Whoops, too far again! - GIVE ME THAT REMOTE!! - Sometimes you're the zapper, sometimes you're the zap-ee!
dr140504 -- I'm making you a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch! - You didn't make it right, dad! You put the jelly on the BOTTOM! - The PEANUT BUTTER is supposed to be on the bottom! - Who cares? I do! If the jelly is on the bottom, it won't
dr140504 -- taste right! - Norm, there's a very simple solution to this problem! - Look! It's a sandwich! If you want the peanut butter to be on the bottom, all you have to do is hold it upside down! - Oh, yeah, huh! Why didn't *I* think of that? - Yeah,
dr140504 -- this works! ...Sigh...
dr140505 -- All day long, people put fliers on my front door. - Why would they stick one way down there? - AARGH! - "Need a chiropractor?"
dr140506 -- - - - The attic is kind of like your own family museum! With mice!
dr140507 -- Hi, Norman! Do I know you? - It's me, Echo! Echo?? - Something's different about you! - You mean you can't even tell what's different about me??? 3 question marks usually mean I'm in trouble!
dr140508 -- I can't figure out what's different about you, Echo! I DYED MY HAIR!! - Why? You're not supposed to ask why! You're supposed to tell me how GOOD wit looks! - But what if it doesn't look... - Like rain? What will the farmers do? Nice save!
dr140509 -- I can't believe you don't like my new hair color! - It's not that I don't like it, Echo! It's just that... - I thought you looked perfect before! - Aww! Although, maybe if you changed the style a little... He can never quit when he's ahead!
dr140510 -- What a beautiful day to be outside! - I'm just sayin'.
dr140511 -- Sorry, Penny, but you can't play with your gifts until you write 'Thank you' notes! - No, you may not have ice cream and cake for breakfast! - Get dressed. you cannot stay home and watch TV! - This recipe has half the fat and calories! -
dr140511 -- Nope! We don't watch shows like that in out house! click! Everyone else does! - HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY! Have I told you lately how much I love all of you? Every day!
dr140512 -- WOOSH WOOSH - What? Oh, sorry! - This is the time of year when it's really hard to focus on schoolwork!
dr140513 -- Daddy, I know a fun thing to do... - Let's all go to the zoo! OK, but answer one question... - WHY??
dr140514 -- The zoo gives us the opportunity to see odd and unusual creatures up close! - What are YOU looking at?
dr140515 -- Off to your left are some interesting critters, and over there are some variants. - On your right, you can see a rhinoceros! - Actually, that just might be a big rock. Some of these tour guides are better than others!
dr140516 -- The snake exhibit creeps me out! - - SSSS! SHRIEK! - Totally worth it!
dr140517 -- Look, honeybunch! I found my old high school basketball jersey, and it STILL FITS! It sure does, Ralph! - It DOES?? That's exactly how it fit him in high school!
dr140518 -- You need to be alert at baseball games, Norm! CRACK! Here comes a foul ball! - CRUNCH! - Also, you need to stop using your glove to hold your nachos!
dr140519 -- 18 Years Ago... Come on, Norman! Eat your vegetables! You need to grow big and strong! Don't be so stubborn! - Today... Cone on, dad! Let me teach you how to use this new phone! You need to join the 21st century! Don't be so stubborn!
dr140520 -- I don't have a shirt to wear today, honeybunch! - You have lots of shirts! You just never wear any of them! - I hid your favorite shirt, so today you'll just have to pick a different one! - OK, but some of them haven't been worn in a while!
dr140521 -- Your mom took away my favorite shirt! - She wants me to wear other things. - Does this shirt make me look fat? No. - I think it's all the pizza and ice cream!
dr140522 -- Honeybunch, this has gone on long enough! What have you done with my favorite t-shirt?! - I reupholstered the furniture with it. - With just ONE SHIRT?? - I reupholstered SOME furniture! zzyzx!
dr140523 -- How's the summer job search going, Norm? - I'll find a job in no time, dad. I'm pretty driven! He hasn't been driven since 8th grade carpool!
dr140524 -- I've lived with this family for a few weeks now. - They seem nice, but I worry that they're not too bright. - For example, they don't seem to understand evaporation! You sure drink a lot of water!
dr140525 -- What's an aviary? It's an enclosed, walk-through exhibit where you can see rare and exotic birds flying all around you! Let's go inside! - - Wasn't that fun? I didn't much care for it!
dr140526 -- Traffic is moving very slowly. - It's gonna be a long drive home... - CLICK! - And now for the play-by-play, here's Vin Scully! ...just the way I like it!
dr140527 -- Type in our address and the map comes up... - Zoom in and...see? There's a picture of our house taken from a satellite! Wow! - What's that big white blob in our backyard! - Apparently, they took the picture when dad was sunbathing!
dr140528 -- - beep beep A-HA! - You cell phone almost went through the wash again! - I need help checking all my cargo pant pockets!
dr140529 -- You spend a lot of time staring at that stupid phone! - Kids today are so immersed in technology, it scares me! - Don't worry, dad. I'm just watching the ballgame! - We're AT the ballgame! Oh yeah, huh!
dr140530 -- Why aren't you boys responding to my texts?! I'm checking my Instagram's. I'm posting a funny video on Facebook! - I'm trying to find out what you want from the snack bar! Just a sec...now I'm checking Snapchat! Can you send me an E-Mail?
dr140530 -- People communicated better before the age of communications!
dr140531 -- zzyzx ...Sigh... - Norman, I know it's summer vacation, but it's almost noon! - I don't think it's good to sleep all day! - Don't worry, dad. I set my alarm. For WHAT??
dr140601 -- - Hey, look! We have an INFINITY pool! Only when you dad's in it!
dr140602 -- Don't look at me like that, honeybunch! I'm just following doctor's orders! - Does it, or does it not say "Take with Food"?
dr140603 -- THIS WAY! - STAY! - HEEL! - People are smart, but they're very hard to train!
dr140604 -- Hello, Wally! - Hewwo, Walph! - How was your day, Wally? Pwetty good, Walph! - Wanna play ball? I would WUV to do that! I don't really talk like that, do I?
dr140605 -- Hewwo, Oogie! How's my pwetty kitty? Pwetty good, sank you! - Why do people have imaginary conversations with their pets in funny voices? - I guess it's a way of making a beast seem more human. - Isn't that wight, Walph? Yes, that's wight!
dr140606 -- DING DONG! I'll get it! - - - How do they get the packages to ring the doorbell?
dr140607 -- Try not to splash! - It's kind of unreasonable to ask kids not to splash in a pool? - Not as unreasonable as bringing the pool inside the house! It's hot out there!
dr140608 -- Dad, I have some good news and some bad news. - Which do you want to hear first? - I always want to hear the bad news first, because then I know the good news will make me feel better! - I'm the opposite. I'd rather hear the good news first
dr140608 -- because that gives me the strength to hear the bad news! - You're weird. My way makes much more sense! - OK, well, here goes...gramma is coming to stay with us for a week! ...Sigh... - There, you see? I'm not completely upset because I know
dr140608 -- you're about to tell me some GOOD news! - Oh, wait...that WAS the good news. The BAD news is, she's bringing her poodle!
dr140609 -- WAH HA HA HA HA I don't get it... - She pranks her guests, drops audience members through trap doors... - But at the end of the show, she tells us all to be KIND to one another! - Never mess with an 'Ellen' fan!
dr140610 -- WALLY, COME ON! LET'S GO, BOY! - WALLY!  COME HERE! - KRINKLE KRINKLE TINK TINK! - If he won't come when you call his name, imitate the sound of a potato chip falling on the floor!
dr140611 -- Hi, Wendy! Mind if I join you? Well... - Needless to say, I'm a little busy right now. - If something is needless to say, then it's needless to say that it's needless to say! - Of course, that goes without saying. I wish you'd go without
dr140611 -- saying!
dr140612 -- I just had a thought... - We honk our horn to alert other drivers of our presence, right? - So why not just drive with the horn on ALL the time? - I also had a thought about airbags... I hate it when he has thoughts.
dr140613 -- Ace Alarm - #1 Home Protection - Every home in the neighborhood seems to have an expensive alarm system. - Ours isn't expensive, but it's pretty good! rowf rowf rowf rowf
dr140614 -- sniff sniff  sniff sniff sniff - I FOUND IT!! - It's a mildewed rag in the laundry room! I found it first! - See? I told you one of them would find the source of that funny smell! Pretty smart to make a game of it!
dr140615 -- HAPPY FATHER'S DAY, DAD! Thanks, kids! It's much easier to prepare breakfast-in-bed on father's day than it is on mother's day!
dr140616 -- - Norman, the garbage in the kitchen is starting to smell bad! - Do something about it, please. OK, dad! -
dr140617 -- When I was littler, if there was something my mom didn't want me to eat... - She'd put it way up on the top shelf of the fridge. - My wife puts the good stuff out of reach, too. - She puts it on the BOTTOM! ** crack! pop! *
dr140618 -- - - GRRRRRR!! - A Frisbee game with Wally consists of one toss!
dr140619 -- Ralph, will you change the cat box, please? - ...Sigh... zzyzx - I hope you appreciate all I do for you! - Could you walk by a little more quietly, please?
dr140620 -- zzyzx - - - Oogie! Come out from under the bed! How does he recognize the sound of the mobile cat groomer's van??
dr140621 -- Just sign your name on the electronic pin-pad, ma'am! - Write Write Write... - Write Write Write Write Write... - You can guess a person's approximate age by how long it takes them to sign a pin-pad. Write Write...
dr140622 -- - ONE! - ? - - TWO! - - THREE! - I miss the good old days when I only needed to find one clicker to turn on the TV!
dr140623 -- Penny, why aren't you eating your tomato? - I don't like vegetables! - Tomatoes are a FRUIT! Oh, no, they're not! - If tomatoes are a fruit, how come they don't have tomato-flavored snowcones?
dr140624 -- Sweet! The snow cone shack is open again! - It's a summertime tradition! There's nothing better on a hot day than a delicious, refreshing snow cone! - FOUR DOLLARS?! - Wait...aren't we gonna get one??No, it's just a little ice with some crummy
dr140624 -- syrup on it!
dr140625 -- Dad, I got a job at the snow cone shack! Good for you, Norm! - How was your first day? - Great! I didn't spill a drop on my apron! You da man!
dr140626 -- Business is booming, Dad! Would you like to be my assistant? - I don't want to work in a... - tips - Maybe this wasn't the best idea! Inhale when I exhale!
dr140627 -- I'd like a cherry, grape and strawberry, please! Yes, sir! - Grunt! Ouch! Errgh! - Puff puff! Grunt! Oof! - What flavors did you want, again? Are you sure this is a two-man job?
dr140628 -- I'd like a strawberry and grape! Coming right up! - Excuse me... Move out of... Look out! Ouch! Give me the... - CRASH! - Thank you! Have a nice day. Can you punch my card, too?
dr140629 -- WALLY Boat...plane...apartment... - Microwave...yo-yo...computer...astronaut... - Ball... - Hockey...jump...run...skate... - Walk... - Clouds...fish...cows...monkeys... - Badgers... ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF - There are some words you just can't
dr140629 -- slip past a wiener dog!
dr140630 -- It's dinnertime! - When you say it's dinnertime, does that mean dinner is on the table? - Or does it mean you want me to come sit down and wait another ten minutes? - I mean it's dinnertime!! OK! OK! Why didn't you just say so??
dr140701 -- Ever since you took Oogie to the groomer, he's been hiding under the bed! - He's embarrassed by the way he looks! - Oogie, come out here and start acting like your normal self! - "Normal"?? On the other hand, why mess with a good thing?
dr140702 -- Hello, you dumb cat! What are you doing out here? - You've been hiding under the bed in shame ever since I took you to the groomer! - POP! - Payback.
dr140703 -- Why did you buy another inflatable pool? Oogie popped the old one. - Why would my sweet kitty do something like that?? - It was payback for taking him to the pet groomer! - I'm sure it wasn't payback! Oogie's not the vengeful type! That's
dr140703 -- true. I did it just for fun!
dr140704 -- Who doesn't love fireworks? BOOM BOOM - BOOM! RUMBLE! Dogs.
dr140705 -- Some people have infinity pools... - Some people have Grecian pools, some have kidney pools... - What are you getting at? Let's just say it's you!
dr140706 -- Thanks for taking me to the ballgame, dad! Anytime, son! - Now we just have to remember where we parked our car! - We USED to have to remember. Now all we have to do is honk the horn! - It's no problem! Listen... - beep beep HONK HONK honk
dr140706 -- honk honk BEEP BEEP BEEP HONK HONK HONK beep beep Sometimes it's a problem. honk honk BEEP BEEP WILL ALL YOU OTHER PEOPLE KNOCK IT OFF?! honk honk HONK beep beep beep beep
dr140707 -- BOP! - BOP! - BOP! - BLAM! - I win! Never hit beach balls with a cat!
dr140708 -- My first donut was great. My second donut didn't taste as good. scribble scribble scribble - My third donut made me feel guilty. My fourth donut made me feel kind of sick. scribble scribble - My fifth donut made me ashamed of myself. My sixth
dr140708 -- made me never want to see a donut ever again. - OK, let's try number 7! I'm not sure this "food diary" is going to help dad lose weight!
dr140709 -- Ralph Drabble's Gardening Tip #1... - Ah-ha! - YANK!! - Let weeds grow high so you don't have to bend over to pull them out! I'll see you in about a month!
dr140710 -- Penny! You ruined your new doll! - You shouldn't be so rough! - You need to be gentle with your toys! - That's not what they told us at the Wiener Dog Academy!
dr140711 -- Why does Wally always have a guilty look on his face? - I think it's just the way dachshunds look. - ...and this is the way HOMES of dachshunds look!
dr140712 -- I hate calling my cable company! - I wait on hold for hours. - Please continue to hold. We are experiencing higher than normal call volume. Sigh... - Why can't they ever be experiencing just NORMAL call volume?
dr140713 -- - ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF - Wally's funny. He saw a squirrel in that tree five years ago! - So now every time we walk by here, he stops and barks! - I guess animals never forget certain things! ROWF ROWF ROWF - What's dad doing? GRRR... He
dr140713 -- lost a dollar over there in 1982!
dr140714 -- ...Sigh... BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK - I can't enjoy my donuts with all that barking! Stop it! ROWF ROWF! - BARK BARK BARKROWF ROWF BARK BARK BARKROWF ROWF ROWF BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK! -
dr140715 -- Steinbauer! - Long time, no see, Ralph! Too bad it wasn't longer! - Nice mustache! - Not on YOU, but it's a nice mustache!
dr140716 -- Thank you for taking me to the "Pageant of the Painters" again, Ralph! - It's always amazing how actors in costumes recreate great works of art! - It*'s very sophisticated and elegant!  That's true... - ...but I like it anyway!
dr140717 -- - - - If you ever need a bubble, you know where he keeps 'em!
dr140718 -- Look, Penny! A dandelion! - Dandelions are fun! Watch! First you take a deep breath... - - AAKK! COUGH! COUGH! You're right. That was fun!
dr140719 -- Wally! Go away! It's Saturday! I don't have to get up yet! - Here' Go play with a water bottle! - That'll keep him busy for a few minutes! - Wally's my alarm clock, and the water bottle is the snooze button!
dr140720 -- ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF!! Warning This Home PROTECTED by a Crazed WIENER DOG
dr140721 -- Let's all go to the beach! Dad hates the beach. - Why does he hate the beach? He hates to get wet! - He doesn't have to get wet! He'll want to go home after 5 minutes! He'll be OK. We'll bring him some chips! - You can't call yourself a dad
dr140721 -- until your family talks about you like you're not here!
dr140722 -- THE GETTYSBURG ADDRESS!! - What? That's the answer to the Wheel of Fortune puzzle! - Oh. I wasn't paying attention. - That's what she always says when I guess the answer first!
dr140723 -- Let's go for a walk, honeybunch! OK! - Wow! He must really, really love me! - When he takes ME for a walk, he puts me on a LEASH!
dr140724 -- I love the salad bar! - I painstakingly build my salad just the way I like it! - NOOO!! - Why do they make blue cheese dressing look exactly like RANCH?
dr140725 -- Ah...ahh... - AAHHH... - CHOO! - Why do they put the sneeze guard all the way over by the salad bar?
dr140726 -- !!! - !!!!! - chirp chirp! - I miss the good old days, when there was only one phone and it was bolted to the wall!
dr140727 -- Artichokes?? I HATE artichokes!! - Do we really want BROCCOLI?? - Do me a favor, Ralph... - Open up one of those plastic produce bags, please! - Which way is up?? - How in the world... - ...Sigh... - That always buys me enough time to finish
dr140727 -- the shopping!
dr140728 -- I thought you went to the snack bar! I refused to buy anything! - The prices are crazy! I may be hungry and thirsty, but I will not be taken advantage of! - - Is this going to be a long movie? I have feelings it's going to seem like it!
dr140729 -- I think those seats are empty! I cant's see a thing in here! - How could someone be so clueless as to sit right in front of us? - That's your son and his date! I guess that explains the "clueless" part.
dr140730 -- Let's move! I feel awkward sitting behind Norm and his date! - We can't get up right now! They'll see us and think we were spying on them! - Just sit and be quiet. ...Sigh... - At least she has popcorn!
dr140731 -- Good gracious! I seem to be eating this popcorn awfully fast! munch munch - I'd better save some for later! - - Ralph! Get up off the floor!
dr140801 -- All that popcorn made me thirsty! - It's now or never! - *** - Uh-oh! Echo's cheek isn't as soft as I had imagined!
dr140802 -- Echo's perfume was like a mixture of "Old Spice" and peanut butter! - Now's our chance! Let's get out of here! OK. - One last swig! - *****
dr140803 -- SNOW-CONES Sorry, we're all out of grape! I know it was a bad idea for Norman to work at the Snow-Cone shack!
dr140804 -- Ralph! - Why are you out in the garage eating a bag of chips... - When you KNOW we're having dinner in ten minutes?? - Because if I ate it in there, you'd get MAD at me!
dr140805 -- You look great, No-Neck! - I've lost 20 pounds since we went on that diet together! - How much have YOU lost? I've gained five. - Guess what! Since N-Neck and I went on a diet, we've lost a total of 15 pounds!
dr140806 -- This is for the win... - - OOF! - There's no flopping in golf!
dr140807 -- - - - I liked it better in the old days, when their bedroom floors were cluttered with toys!
dr140808 -- Wait a minute... - Why am *I* mowing the lawn?? - I've got a teenage son! - Oops! I'll mow it!
dr140809 -- Hello, Steinbauer. snip snip - Wow! It's nice to see you doing some yardwork, Drabble! - Are you fixing to sell your house or something? No. snip snip snip - Darn! Why would I ever want to move away from you?? snip snip
dr140810 -- ZZYZX! - Boy, dad snores loud! - ZXZ! Poor mom! How does she get any sleep? - ZZZXX! I know she uses ear plugs, but I can't imagine they're that effective! - ZZXZZ How does she manage? ZZYZXX!
dr140811 -- I was a pretty good baseball player myself, Echo... - Back in Little League, I hit for "The Cycle"! - Really? You hit a single, double, triple, and home run in one game? - No, I pooped up to first, second, third and short!
dr140812 -- If a baseball comes our way, Echo, don't be frightened! I'll protect you! - PEANUTS! GET YOUR PEANUTS! - HEY! OVER HERE!! - SMACK!
dr140813 -- I like to watch the players take batting practice before the game! - I bought seats in the bleachers because my lifelong goal is to catch a home run ball! - Therefore, I must be constantly alert and focused on... - KLANK! Whoa!
dr140814 -- I suggested you bring a glove to the game because you never know when... - CRACK! Look! It's coming our way!! - I GOT IT! I GOT IT!! - WAP!!
dr140815 -- I caught a home run! Isn't it exciting?! - Big deal. It was just batting practice. Why do you seem unhappy? - Echo, all my life I've wanted to catch a home run ball, and you snatched it away! - I even called for it! You can't "call for it" in
dr140815 -- the bleachers!
dr140816 -- I'm sorry I caught that ball in batting practice. It was rightfully yours! - I'm sure you'll catch one, too! It's the 8th inning. The game is almost over. - CRACK! Here comes another one!! - Oh, please catch it!
dr140817 -- Hello, No-Neck? The movie is about to start, so don't call me for the next two hours! - tap tap! - Hello, T-Bone? The movie is about to start, so don't call me for the next two hours! - tap tap tappity! - Hello, Spanky? The movie is about to
dr140817 -- start, so don't call me for the next two hours! - Boy, I'm sure glad I don't have a lot of friends! tap tap! - Hello, No-Neck? The movie is about to start, so don't call me for the next two hours! You know, there's an easier way to silence
dr140817 -- your cell phone! I can't believe Dad has more than one friend named "No-Neck". I can!
dr140818 -- The ball is coming right at me! - All my life I've dreamed of catching a home run ball, and I'm finally going to do it! - - This is a very bad time for a little league flashback!
dr140819 -- WAP! - I DID IT! I DID IT!! I CAUGHT A MAJOR LEAGUE HOME RUN BALL!!! - ***** - OOOWWW! ***
dr140820 -- I CAUGHT IT! I FINALLY CAUGHT A HOME RUN BALL! - Throw it back! Excuse me? - The other team hit it! We don't want that ball! - Throw it back onto the field to show respect for the home team! OR ELSE!!
dr140821 -- THROW IT BACK! THROW IT BACK! THROW IT BACK! But I don't WANT to throw it back! - Throw the ball back onto the field, or we'll throw YOU onto the field! - They wouldn't do that, would they? Probably not. - Then again, they've been swilling
dr140821 -- beer for 8 innings! After we throw him on the field, let's climb the foul pole!!
dr140822 -- This is your last warning! Throw back that home run ball, OR ELSE! - I don't want to throw it back! What should I do, Echo? Give me the ball! -
dr140823 -- I can't believe you threw the home run ball I caught back onto the field! Sorry. The crowd was getting surly! - But I really wanted to keep it! Norman, remember the ball I caught during batting practice? - THAT was the ball I threw! Here's
dr140823 -- your home run ball! Really?? - I sure hope they put us on the kiss-cam! I'm pretty cool, huh?
dr140824 -- push! - WHIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR Why did you open the garage door? I have to put on makeup! - ? - ? - ? - ? - My makeup kit was in the car...the car was in the garage...I needed more light... I would've figured it out eventually!
dr140825 -- I've set out all the backpacks! - I've made all the lunches! - I've laid out all the clothes! - I'm so excited!! The night before we go back to school is mom's equivalent of Christmas eve!
dr140826 -- Bye, kids. - So where's all the excitement? You're usually ecstatic when the kids go back to school and you have the house to yourself again! - Bye. - NOW I'm ecstatic!
dr140827 -- There's nothing sadder... - Just like that, summer comes to an end. - I go from kiddie pool to carpool!
dr140828 -- How was your first day of school, Penny? - It STINKED! I mean, it STUNKED! - Wait, I don't know what the right word is! Stinked? Stunked? Stanked? - DARN! This probably means I have to keep going to school, doesn't it?
dr140829 -- *...and a partridge in a pear tree ** CHRISTMAS MUSIC?? - Is it September already? Almost!
dr140830 -- Ralph, come sit closer to me! - Really?? - OK! - Thanks. I needed your shade so I could read my texts!
dr140831 -- What time is it, Norman? Almost midnight. - I have a strange feeling of foreboding! Relay, Patrick! It's normal to be uneasy on a campout! - Don't worry. It's not dangerous. We're just in our own backyard! What could happen? - It sounds like
dr140831 -- it's raining! It CAN'T be raining! - Look! There's something under the tent!! What the... - RIP! - AAAAAAAAAHHHH!! -Where's bear grylls when you need him?
dr140901 -- Tie game. Bottom of the ninth. Here's the pitch... - THERE'S A LONG DRIVE TO LEFT FIELD!...THIS BALL IS::: - FINISH OFF THOSE NACHOS, JUNIOR! IT'S TIME TO GO TRY TO FIND OUR CAR IN THE PARKING LOT!! - Some of these baseball announcers have
dr140901 -- unusual catchphrases!
dr140902 -- - Summer's over! - This is why ducks migrate!
dr140903 -- I fixed the toilet, dad. - Now, instead of going "bssschtt bssschtt gurgle gurgle" all day long... - It goes "blorp blorp ssshhlpp" all day long! - You da man, Norm! No charge!
dr140904 -- chirp chirp! A text on Ralph's phone from Patrick! - Dad, is mom cooking anything good for dinner?  - Trust me, You'll love it! So don't you dare spoil your appetite! :-) Send - Mom answered that text. Dad doesn't know how to do a smiley
dr140904 -- face!
dr140905 -- DIBS ON THE BATHROOM! - Hey, what's that! - What?? -
dr140906 -- Wally, please stop following me around the house! - I know you're hungry... - But it won't make dinnertime come any faster! - Will it? Ralph, please stop following me around!
dr140907 -- Physical Therapy Mr. Drabble, here's an exercise you can do at home for your bad back. - You lie on the floor with a tennis ball under your back and you... A TENNIS BALL?? - That won't work because... - I mean, it would be impossible to... -
dr140907 -- That is, in my house, there's no way I could... - ...SIGH I'll give it a try. - WALLY! RELAX! - My doctor obviously isn't a dog owner!
dr140908 -- Dad, I'm in a quandary... - I like two girls, and they're very different! - Echo is blond, Wendy is brunette. Echo is short, Wendy is tall... - Echo seems to like me, and Wendy hates my guts. Decisions, decisions!
dr140909 -- I need an ice pack for my back... - I need another one for my knee... - And one for my neck, my head and my hip! - Too bad I can't just sit in the freezer!
dr140910 -- - BOP! - - Wally makes a good net! BAP!
dr140911 -- Forget it, Wally! It's only twelve A.M.! - Dogs don't get midnight snacks! - - Actually, that wasn't a bad idea!
dr140912 -- - - - - The usual, Ralph? Nothing is as string as the gravitational force of a donut shop!
dr140913 -- Darn! What's wrong? - My phone likes to autocorrect "haha" to "hahahaha". - People probably think I'm really obnoxious! Maybe that explains why I only have 3 Twitter followers! 2. I unfollowed you.
dr140914 -- Why are there two different brands of ketchup on the table? - Because I like one of them and don't like the other... - But I can't remember which is which! I didn't want to buy the wrong one, so I bought 'em both! - So I'll try each one! -
dr140914 -- Yes! This is the one I like! - No, wait...maybe it's THIS one! - That's weird! I seem to like them BOTH! - Maybe it's MUSTARD I don't like! And all these years, I thought Norman took after MY side of the family! Makes perfect sense to me,
dr140914 -- mom!
dr140915 -- - - Boy, you don't realize how much mom does around here until she's gone. Mom's gone? - Sort of. She's gotten into genealogy! I can't believe how addicting this is!
dr140916 -- Ralph, once you start researching your ancestry, you can't stop! It's fascinating! - I've discovered that I'm a distant relative of Abraham Lincoln! - How about me? Am I related to anybody interesting? - Let's just say your family tree has a
dr140916 -- few squirrels!
dr140917 -- I know all about my ancestry. I'm very proud of my Irish heritage! - My great-grand-father came from Dublin! - He did indeed! Dublin, Ohio! What??
dr140918 -- Are you saying I'm not IRISH?? Not according to my research. - St. Patrick's Day will never be the same! - I always thought I was Irish because my great-grandfather came from Dublin! Dublin, Ohio! - Next you're going to tell me that he didn't
dr140918 -- go west in a covered wagon! No, he took a bus!
dr140919 -- There's one fact that your genealogical research cannot disprove... - I am proud to have native American ancestry! - My great-grandmother was born on a reservation! So there!! She was indeed! - HER parents, however, were born in Germany. You
dr140919 -- need to find a different hobby!
dr140920 -- Sorry to burst your bubble, Ralph... - But according to my research, your ancestors were not Irish OR native American! - I'm so depressed! Why would my relatives tell stories that weren't true?? - I'm still related to Paul Bunyan, though,
dr140920 -- aren't I? Maybe we'll check that another day!
dr140921 -- Thanks, dad! We were looking for that! - Dad found our bug zapper! Why would anyone leave a bug zapper on a chair?
dr140922 -- - * SMOOCH - Oh, I thought that was a mistletoe! - You could've just told me there was a cobweb hanging from the ceiling!
dr140923 -- bat bat! - boppity bop bop! - splishy splash! - Cats accomplish more before 9:00 A.M. than dogs do all day!
dr140924 -- Now you see it... - - Now you don't! - RIP! SHRED grr! * growl! - Never perform magic for an audience of children or wiener dogs!
dr140925 -- Ralph, I know you're trying to lose weight, so I bought these low-calorie brownie snacks! - One bag has only 120 calories! - Thanks, honeybunch! - I'll put 'em on my ice cream!
dr140926 -- Why do you stare into the refrigerator? - If I stare long enough, sometimes I'll find something good I didn't see before! - It's a skill that requires patience. - I call it "Refrigerator Fishing"!
dr140927 -- - What's up, dad? - Shhh! - Never interrupt a man who's refrigerator fishing! You might scare away something good!
dr140928 -- Want me to throw the ball, Wally? - Go get it! - Hee hee! ? - Here it goes! - Go get it! ? - There's nothing more fun then the old "fake out! game! - AKK AKK BLEAH! Wally, NO! Not on the carpet!! - It's even more fun to fake HIM out!
dr140929 -- - Norman, I told you to rake the leaves into a sack... - Not MAKE the leaves into a STACK! Oh, that makes way more sense!
dr140930 -- ROWF ROWF ROWF! - ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF! - ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF This is why they don't allow dogs at tennis matches. It would be fun, though!
dr141001 -- MARKET Look at this, Patrick... - They now have cappuccino-flavored potato chips! - I wonder if they're any good? - Probably better than potato chip flavored cappuccino!
dr141002 -- squeak squeak squeak squeak! - Wally, it's two in the morning! - What makes you think this is a good time to play? - What makes him think it's a good time for leftover pizza?
dr141003 -- HONK! Let's go!! - - I hate it when the guy I honk at turns out to be my neighbor!
dr141004 -- Ralph, I think Patrick is playing too many video games. - He plays video games when he's eating dinner! - He plays video games when he's sitting in the church! - And now he's playing video games while he's playing video games!
dr141005 -- - CLOMP! - Fine! Now I've got your sock! - CLOMP! - Fine! Now I've got your ball again! - CLOMP! Got 'em both! - Fine! Now I've got a water bottle! krackle crunch! -
dr141006 -- Oh, and one more thing... - An empty bag of Halloween candy? I love October!
dr141007 -- I've been coming to this pumpkin farm every October since I was a kid! - When MY kids are grown, I'll probably still come here! - Hopefully you'll BUY something one of these years. I'm not spending $15 on a PUMPKIN!
dr141008 -- Farmer Phil's Pumpkin Land Drabble, you come here every year to enjoy the atmosphere... - But you never BUY anything! - I can buy a pumpkin at the supermarket for a lot less! - Then go take pictures of your kids at the SUPERMARKET!
dr141009 -- Farmer Phil's Pumpkin Land Can I ride on the train, daddy? No, the rides are too expensive, Penny! - Would it kill you to spend a few bucks, Drabble? - You've been coming here for 30 years, and you've never BOUGHT anything! Enough is enough!
dr141009 -- - You are hereby BANNED FROM PUMPKIN LAND!! What??
dr141010 -- Farmer Phil's Pumpkin Land YOU'RE BANNED FROM PUMPKIN LAND, DRABBLE! - I'm tired of people coming here to soak up the atmosphere, and then NOT buy a pumpkin! - You can't BAN someone! Oh, really? - WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP INTRUDER! INTRUDER! NICE
dr141010 -- TRY, HOGAN!
dr141011 -- Farmer Phil's Pumpkin Land All right, Farmer Phil! You win! - I'll buy one of your expensive old pumpkins! Great! Your lifetime ban is lifted! - Go ahead and puck one out! - You're killing me, Drabble!
dr141012 -- What are you watching, Ralph? Oh, the baseball playoffs? I LOVE baseball! - I just wonder how they get the grass stains out of their uniforms. - ...and the pitch is a little upstairs! UPSTAIRS?? That pitch was so high, it was in a different
dr141012 -- APPARTEMENT! Ha ha! Get it? - The first baseman is lucky because he gets to talk to everybody! - I don't like this batter because he looks like he would've been a bully when he was a kid! - When the manager gives the player a day off, does
dr141012 -- the player still have to come to the game, or can he go to the beach? - How come the pitcher is allowed to have such a funny-looking beard? Isn't that a distraction? - And why is the dugout so messy? I can't wait for the next time she tries
dr141012 -- to watch "Dancing With the Stars."
dr141013 -- - - It's always easy to find Ralph in the supermarket during the month of October!
dr141014 -- Don't forget your lunch, Patrick! - Why are you wearing a karate outfit to school? - I've decided to wear it all times so no one will ever mess with me! - I figure if I wear the outfit, I won't need the lessons!
dr141015 -- How come your backpack is so light, Norm? I haven't bought my textbooks yet! - School started a month ago! Sometimes the books aren't necessary! - I decided to wait until I failed the first quiz before investing in books! - And how's that
dr101015 -- going? So far, I only need to buy books for three classes!
dr141016 -- Hey, Wally! - Wanna go outside for a waaaaaaaaaash? - A wash?? I thought he was going to say a WALK!! - Faked you out, didn't I? A CAT would've never fallen for that!
dr141017 -- Get out of the way, you dumb cat! - HEY, KNOCK IT OFF, OOGIE! pick pick claw! - Why do you dislike cats? I don't dislike cats. - I dislike CAT! rip pick pick claw shred!
dr141018 -- Have you cleaned your room, boys? It's partly done! - The ceiling is clean! The floor might take a while!
dr141019 -- - ROWF ROWF ROWF! - ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF!! yawn! - ROWF! - - ROWF! - SLASH! - Dogs bark, but cats take action!
dr141020 -- DONUTS Here's your change, Mr. Drabble! You're a little short. You owe me a nickel! - Three years ago, I gave you $0.20 change instead of $0.15 because I didn't have a nickel. - You said you'd give me back $0.05 back tomorrow, but you never
dr141020 -- returned. I was hoping he'd have forgotten by now! I can take your picture off the wall!
dr141021 -- I'm getting "old lady voice". What?? - My voice is getting creaky! It's especially bad at night after I've been talking all day! - Maybe you should rest it for a couple of days. - Or months! Or I could just ask the paramedics about it when
dr141021 -- they come to get you!
dr141022 -- DANG! I can't believe it! What's wrong, honeybunch? - I've always hated slicing mushrooms! It's so much work! - But I just discovered that all I had to do was to put them in an egg slicer! Look how easy it is! - I'VE WASTED SO MUCH TIME OVER
dr141022 -- THE YEARS!! - Most people are happy when they find a better way to do things!
dr141023 -- TRICK OR TREAT! - It's not Halloween yet! - It's not Christmas yet, either! You've got a point there!
dr141024 -- - - I call it "The Abominable Pumpkinman"!
dr141025 -- There! I hosed off the porch and swept away all the bugs and cobwebs! Thanks, Ralph! - Now I can put up our Halloween decorations!
dr141026 -- HAPPY HALLOWEEN Well? What do you think? I think we need to get you evaluated!
dr141027 -- I love my morning cereal! - Rats! No milk! - * - Why are you putting melted ice cream on your corn flakes? Because I'm a genius!
dr141028 -- Stare contest! - - - Still undefeated!
dr141029 -- knock knock knock! - Trick or treat! - Beat it! - I draw the line at trick-or-treaters with wedding rings!
dr141030 -- Trick or treat! Sorry. Halloween is for kids! - I'm a kid! I'm just tall! How old are you? - Ten! What year were you born? - Nineteen-eighty...I MEAN, TWO-THOUSAND AND SOMETHING! Sigh...
dr141031 -- I'm not enjoying Halloween like I used to. knock knock knock - So many of the kids seem rude and greedy this year! - Trick or treat, please! - It's all yours!
dr141101 -- We did such a good job of carving the pumpkin this year... - It would almost be a shame to smash it! - - SPLAT! I said /almost/!
dr141102 -- What in the world... - Go away, Wally! It's not time for your breakfast yet! - I know you THINK it's time, but last night we turned the clocks back one hour! - In the spring, we turn it UP an hour, and in the fall, we turn it BACK an hour! -
dr141102 -- I really look forward to this day because I can sleep in! - I'll wait here. ****
dr141103 -- The doctor told me to try sitting on an exercise ball. - He said it would strengthen my back. - That's because it takes muscles to balance... - And then it takes even more muscles to get up off the floor!
dr141104 -- My doctor told me to sit on an inflatable exercise ball to strengthen my back. - HEY, DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT! - BLAM - Stupid cat! I don't HAVE to think about that one!
dr141105 -- OK, you're clean! - Proceed to gate 7! Have a nice day! - ...Sigh... - I guess I need to put the jar in a more obvious location! Tips
dr141106 -- - BLAP! - - I need to quit buying tennis balls at the pet shop!
dr141107 -- I set a goal to lose five pounds this month! - Not bad! - Only seven more to go!
dr141108 -- Zzyzx! - zzzzz - Z - You miss 100% of the naps you don't take!
dr141109 -- If your spouse goes to the dentist in the morning, and the dentist gives her long-lasting Novocain, and she asks you to take her to her favorite soup and salad restaurant afterward, I suggest you sit at separate tables. Just sayin'! Oopthie!
dr141110 -- Mind if I call in a buddy  of mine to take a look at this? - No need to call in an expert... - That civil war general's uniform is a fake. It's obvious by the stitching. - How many times have you seen this episode of "Pawn Stars"? 11.
dr141111 -- - - - OK, dad, now let me show you another way to get out of a group text conversation...
dr141112 -- * - ROWF rowf rowf rowf rowf ROWF ROWF rowf rowf rowf ROWF rowf - Relax, Wally! That was just the sound of my text alert! - Still could be a badger!
dr141113 -- Ralph, I'm going to toss the salad. ? - Siri, when my wife says, "I'm going to toss the salad," what is she really telling me? - She's telling you to come sit down at the dinner table NOW! - Thank goodness for modern technology!
dr141114 -- Oogie, I have a present for you! Yawn! - Hold still... - It's a sweater! - You can stop holding still now! And I thought my FLEA COLLAR was annoying!
dr141115 -- GAME OVER CRUD!! - - flip flip flip - Your team may win and your team may lose, but "Seinfeld" is always on!
dr141116 -- - Ahh...ahhh AAAHHH... - CHOO! - Gesundheit! Thank you. - You sneezed all over your french fries! That's OK... - At least dad won't try to swipe 'em anymore! Are you sick, or do you just have allergies?
dr141117 -- I don't have time to empty the dishwasher. - Ralph always complains that he never knows if the dishes inside are clean. - So I'll put a note on it to eliminate any confusion! - "Clean" as in, these dishes are clean, or "clean" as in, clean
dr141117 -- these dishes??
dr141118 -- What are you sprinkling on your food, honeybunch? That's a dumb question. - It's sweetener! I've been using it for years! Well, it's not working. - Ha ha! That was a joke! Get it? - I hate it when she gets it!
dr141119 -- Why did you buy THOSE? - Because you asked me to buy bananas! But they're green! - I can't eat them for a week! Why is everyone so impatient these days? - So, what shall we have for dinner? Fast food or microwave lasagna?
dr141120 -- Honeybunch, I wanted bananas and milk for my cereal in the morning! - And that's what I bought! But the bananas are GREEN! - They'll be ripe in a matter of time! - It will probably coincide with the milk's expiration date!
dr141121 -- - GASP! - The abominable Pumpkinman gets better with age!
dr141122 -- Halloween was a month ago! Why don't you throw that away? The abominable pumpkinman? - That's the problem...I DID throw him away!! - But the abominable pumpkinman always returns! Hoo hoo ha ha ha! - Why are you in our bed? The abominable
dr141122 -- pumpkinman!
dr141123 -- - Chocolate-covered old-fashioned! Hey, how's it going?! - - Waffle cone with vanilla and peanut butter! Hi! Nice to see you! - - Number three combo, hold the onions! Wassup! - I hate bumping into the local fast food employees when I'm out
dr141123 -- with my wife! - Should I bother to ask how your diet is going?
dr141124 -- We threw away our jack-o-lantern after Halloween. - But the Abominable Pumpkin Man always returns! - knock knock knock Patrick, stop scaring everybody! - GAAAHH!!
dr141125 -- Good grief! - Knock it off, Patrick! I've had enough of your abominable pumpkinman!! - Don't blame me! I didn't put it there! Well, if you didn't... - Who did??
dr141126 -- What's going on around here? Patrick's got me a little creeped out, honeybunch. - He says the jack-o'-lantern we threw away after Halloween has come back to haunt us! - Maybe you need some fresh air! You're probably right. - GAAAH!!
dr141127 -- The Abominable Pumpkin Man has returned, mom! - Everybody relax! There's no such thing as... - Hey! Who turned out the lights? -
dr141128 -- Let's get out of here! This place is possessed. - Ralph! Ralph! - Ralph! Wake up! You fell asleep in your pumpkin pie! Abominable Pumpkinman! - Dad has often said that thanksgiving with our relatives is a big nightmare!
dr141129 -- bark bark bark bark bark bark! ...Sigh... - Wally, you're so annoying! You're going to the backyard! rowf rowf rowf rowf! - I need some peace and quiet! - Why not just disconnect the smoke alarm while you're at it!
dr141130 -- December is upon us, honeybunch! - Shouldn't you be running around like a nervous wreck right about now? - Nope! I'm completely prepared! - My shopping is done, the presents are wrapped... - The house is decorated and the cards are mailed! -
dr141130 -- Now I can sit back, relax, and enjoy the holiday season for a change! - Did you make those little pipe cleaner snowman decorations for all the neighbors? - AAAAKK!! That was mean!
dr141201 -- "Miracle on 34th Street"! "It's a Wonderful Life"! "Miracle on 34th Street"! "It's a Wonderful Life"! - What are you arguing about? The best Christmas movie! - You shouldn't argue during the holiday season! He's right! I'm sorry honeybunch" -
dr141201 -- Besides the best movie is "A Christmas Story"! "MIRACLE ON 34TH STREET"! "IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE"! It's going to be a long month!
dr141202 -- Geode C. Scott! Alastair Sim! Now what? - We're arguing about who was the best Ebenezer Scrooge! - I liked Mr. Magoo. He's right! I change my vote!
dr141203 -- "White Christmas" by Bing Crosby! - "The Christmas Song" by Nat King Cole! - Now they're arguing over the all-time best Christmas record! - Mine is "Jingle Bells" by the Barking Dogs! I'm partial to "Fleas Navidad."
dr141204 -- Here's one you can't argue about: the greatest animated Christmas special... - "How the Grinch Stole Christmas"! - "A Charlie Brown Chistmas"! - YES! I win again!! I hate you. I'm glad we all have the holiday spirit around here!
dr141205 -- Mom and dad are arguing about Christmas. What's there to argue about? - Flocked! UNflocked! Peppermint bark! Fruitcake! - Currier! Ives! "The Santa Clause"! "The Santa Clause *2*"! - Apparently everything! "Elvis' Christmas album"! "Christmas
dr141205 -- with the Rat Pack"!
dr141206 -- I'm cooking dinner for the Tyler family! - Why? What did they ever do to us? - Debbie just had a baby, and Mark is a little under the... - Whattaya' mean, WHAT DID THEY EVER DO TO US?? Hee hee!
dr141207 -- I've got bread, now where's the peanut butter? Over on aisle 17! - ...Sigh...why is the bean on aisle 1, and the peanut butter on aisle 17? - Grocery stores should put things that naturally go together on the same aisle so we don't have to
dr141207 -- walk all over the store! - You mean like chips and dip? - Exactly! They should be right next to each other on the same aisle! - So should bread, peanut butter, chocolate chips, marshmallow cream, aerosol cheese, pork rinds and ketchup! Not
dr141207 -- everyone likes the same kind of sandwich you do, dad!
dr141208 -- HEEYAHH!! - OOWW!! - It's a loaf of bread, for cryin' out loud. Yeah, but it's pretty stale!!
dr141209 -- Relax! I'm coming! - ...Sigh... - You sure know how to tell me when you want outside! - And you sure know how to tell me when you immediately want right back in!
dr141210 -- Bye, Wally! - We'll be back in a few hours. - You're in charge! - No one ever puts the CAT in charge! No one ever HAS to put the cat in charge!
dr141211 -- ** ...and he waved goodbye and said "don't you cry" I'll be back again some day * - WAAHH!! I never thought of that as being a sad song! He does melt at the end!
dr141212 -- ** Oh it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas... ** - Excuse me...I have a question... - Why do we sing this song in DECEMBER?? - It's been looking a lot like Christmas since labor day!
dr141213 -- Hey, who stole our Christmas stockings? Wally?! - Don't look at me! - I did it, but don't look at me!
dr141214 -- chirp chirp! - A text from the wife... Will you please look into the fridge and tell me if we have carrots? - typitty type type! Yes. - chirp chirp! - Yes, we have carrots or yes, you'll look in the fridge? - ...Sigh... type type Yes, I'll
dr141214 -- look in the fridge. typitty type type! - chirp chirp! - What's taking you so long? Are you even home? Yes. type type type! - chirp chirp! Yes, you're home, or yes, we have carrots? - Now, where did that come from?
dr141215 -- Are we all wearing our matching scarves? OK, let's go! - Why do you make us take a Christmas photo every year, mom? - When you have families on your own, you'll understand! - I have a family on my own and I don't understand! Nobody asked you!
dr141216 -- TREES Lights, trees, snow...this is a perfect place for a family Christmas photo! - OK, but let's make it quick! I don't have a good feeling about this. - I just need to find someone to take our picture. - I'll ask this man! NOOO!!!
dr141217 -- Don't ask HIM to take our family photo! That's Farmer Phil!! - The owner of the pumpkin farm?? Yes! He must own the tree lot, too! - He banned me from the pumpkin farm because I never bought anything! All I did was take pictures! - Let's get
dr141217 -- out of here before he makes us buy a tree! Well well! Look who's here!
dr141218 -- Farmer Phil's TREES So what kind of tree do you want, Drabble? TREE? We already have a... - I mean, we already have an idea of what we want! Good! I'm glad you're here to buy! - I HATE it when people come here just to take pictures and drink
dr141218 -- our complimentary hot chocolate! - Oh, we'd never do that, Farmer Phil! Hey, dad! They have free hot chocolate!
dr141219 -- TREES Do not let him sell you a tree, Ralph! We already have one! Relay, honeybunch! Watch me get out of this! - Sorry, but we looked all over the lot, and couldn't find what we wanted! What did you want? - Um...a pink, 20-foot douglas fir! -
dr141219 -- Trust me, it'll look great in the backyard!
dr141220 -- One...two...three! - * - Dang! I look stupid! - The key to taking a good selfie is for me not to be in it! You don't look THAT ridiculously stupid!
dr141221 -- KIDS -> Photo with Santa - Come to think of it, he does bring most of the presents! MOMS -> Photos with the Package Delivery Guy.
dr141222 -- - - - You walked OUT the front door and IN the back door to avoid the MISTLETOE?? Just stretching my legs, honeybunch!
dr141223 -- So, what would you like for Christmas, honeybunch? Seriously?? - You're asking me NOW what I want for Christmas? Tomorrow is Christmas eve!! I understand. - I bought YOUR gift weeks ago! I understand! - I don't understand. Yeag, the mall is
dr141223 -- open half a day tomorrow!
dr141224 -- - - Remember, Wally...true happiness comes from making others happy! I know that! You're talking to a wiener dog!
dr141225 -- RRRIP! - WAD WAD crumple crumple - FLING! - With Wally around, it's even fun to unwrap underwear! RIP RIP SNARL SHRED SHRED
dr141226 -- Come here, Ralph! I'm about to Skype Gramma! - I never know what to say! Just say merry Christmas! - OK, but don't walk off and leave me like you always do! I won't! - Merry Christmas, gramma!
dr141227 -- Dear Gramma, Thank you for the cool _________ you gave me. - Dear Gramma, thank you for the cool socks and shirt you gave me. - Dear Aunt Marie, Thank you for the cool _______ you gave me. - How are you finishing your thank-you notes so
dr141227 -- fast?? I did most of the work over thanksgiving!
dr141228 -- I bought a few things at the grocery store today, honeybunch. - When I wheeled my shopping cart out to the car, I realized that I had neglected to pay for a tube of toothpaste. - So I took it back inside and paid for it! - The grocer couldn't
dr141228 -- believe it! He said most people aren't as honest as I am! - He said I was an inspiring individual, and if more people were like me, the world would be a better place! - Why did you buy toothpaste? - We have plenty of it under the sink! Why
dr141228 -- didn't you ask me before spending money on another tube?  Do you not like the toothpaste I buy? I hope yours was on sale! I'm going to talk to the guy at the grocery store some more!
dr141229 -- First the holidays were upon me... - creeeak! - FOOMP! - Now the holiday bills are upon me! Talk about a white Christmas!
dr141230 -- - - I think your bag of kitty sand has sprung a leak! I shouldn't have put it on top of the pine apple!
dr141231 -- Dear Mother-in-Lay, Thank you for the flashlight you gave me for Christmas. - I will put it next to the flashlight you gave me last Christmas. - and the flashlights you gave me for my birthday and anniversary. - It's nice of you to write
dr141231 -- such a long note to my mother! The words are just flowing.
dr150101 -- It's a new year, honeybunch! A new beginning! - A chance to improve ourselves and start doing things differently! - But you're starting this year like you've started all the others! I know. I was talking mostly about you.
dr150102 -- Come on, Wally! It's time for a bath! - AAARRGGH! - How about a WALK instead? - Happy dogs are much easier to pick up!
dr150103 -- Dang. - No clean bowls! - - Well, it seemed like a good idea for a few seconds!
dr150104 -- BURGERS Wow, this place is busy, dad! - Yeah, it seems to be everyone's favorite burger joint! - People hover over you while you're eating, hoping to get your table when you're done! - It drives me crazy! - Well, shall we... - ...stay a
dr150104 -- little longer? That was mean.
dr150105 -- zzyzxx - WHOA! - What's wrong, Ralph? I had a terrible nightmare! - I dreamed it was *2015* and I was really old! Go back to sleep. People your age need their rest!
dr150106 -- Aarrgh! Why are you sore, dad? - It's just an old hockey injury! - You played hockey? - Well, no... He slipped in the men's room at a Ducks game.
dr150107 -- How come basketball players high-five the guy who just missed a free throw? - Backing my day, it was embarrassing to miss a free throw! - Now everyone congratulates mediocrity! - Good point, dad! Am I right?
dr150108 -- - WOW! - Now I KNOW I'm getting old! - I never thought of Ethel Mertz as being a hottie before! At least you're not into AUNT BEE yet!
dr150109 -- HONK! - I seem to be getting honked at much more often! - I can't tell if I'm getting old, or if society is just getting more rude and impatient! - You're getting old. Yeah, you only go 10 m.p.h. over the speed limit!
dr150110 -- I'm lucky! - I have a nice, comfortable deb. - ...unlike that stupid cat! - The world is my bed!
dr150111 -- I look terrible! - I can't go out in public looking like this! My hair's a mess! I look old and frumpy! - Don't be so hard on yourself, honeybunch! - You look gr..OOD. - I look "GROOD"?? - You were about to say I looked GREAT, but couldn't
dr150111 -- force yourself to say it, so you downgraded it to GOOD! - That's not true, honeybunch! Let me try again! - You look SENSATION..nice! You're going to be feeling fabulously in a minute!
dr150112 -- ** Beedle--dee-beetle-dee-bootle-dee-doo! ** - Everyone in the world should have their own ringtones!
dr150113 -- Brrrrr! It's FREEZING out there!! - I started a fire, dad! - Say "I BUILT a fired". When you say you say you STARTED a fire, it sounds like... - Be more careful next time! Sorry!
dr150114 -- Well, well... - Well, well, well, well, well!... - Anything wrong, doc? - Well... Now I know why they call it a WELLness center!
dr150115 -- I'll take your blood pressure now, Mr. Drabble. - shooka shooka shooka shooka shooka - BLAM! - Hee hee! That always makes the needle jump a little!
dr150116 -- Your X-ray concerns me, Mr. Drabble. - quite frankly, I've never seen anything like this! - Oh, wait a minute... - Never mind, it's upside-down! Never schedule a doctor's appointment for Friday afternoon!
dr150117 -- Honeybunch would kill me if she knew I got up for a midnight snack. - Hmm...we have three cartons of ice cream. - I'll have one spoonfull of each! That way, she won't notice I've gotten into them! - Too bad I can't think this clearly during
dr150117 -- the day!
dr150118 -- CARDS scratch scratch - Eenie, meenie, miney, moe! - Nope, too mushy! She'll know I didn't read it all! - I suppose I'd prefer this one! - Nope. Too funny. Not romantic enough. It IS cheaper, however! - I'd give her this one! No, THIS one!
dr150118 -- She'd like this one best! - ...Sigh... - My wife can't say I don't go to a lot of effort to pick out her anniversary card!
dr150119 -- ? - - Who used the dryer to make cotton candy?? It worked!!
dr150120 -- Hmm...I didn't know that! - You don't say! - That's fascinating! - You know you're in trouble when you're learning new things from your exam!
dr150121 -- I hate it when they give me a bath! - How come they never try to give YOU a bath? - Because cats are smarter than dogs and we can keep ourselves clean! - and also because if they ever try, we go like this!
dr150122 -- Please don't go! Poor Wally knows we're leaving him alone. - Want a treat, Wally? Yex! - CRUCH CRUNCH CRUNCH - Hey, that was the old "distraction" ploy!
dr150123 -- You're opening a WINDOW?? - It's COLD outside! Are you NUTS?? Nope! I'm perfectly sane! - Well, maybe not "perfectly." OK, let's see if I can kick it in from 30 yards!
dr150124 -- Wake up, boys! - It's ten in the morning! - Why do I have to get up? It's Saturday! I don't wanna do chores all day! I wanna sleep some more! - Rise and whine!
dr150125 -- It's your turn, mom! Pick a card, honeybunch! Oh, dear! I'm terrible at charades! - "For Your Eyes Only" OK, it's a song title! - - FOUR! - Uhh.. My? YOUR! - - WRINKLES! - Next week, let's play Monopoly.
dr150126 -- Remember the pain in my hip that I've been telling you about, Doc? - It's getting worse! I'll do ANYTHING to make it better! Just tell me what! - You need a hip replacement. - What did the doctor say? He said I just need to learn to live with
dr150126 -- it!
dr150127 -- The doctor said you need HIP SURGERY?? - Aren't you a little young for that?? It's not the years, it's the mileage! - I'm like a car that needs a little body work! - You could also use an air freshener! And some waxing. Sigh...
dr150128 -- The doctor said the only way to make my sore hip feel better is SURGERY! - Makes sense, dad! You've been complaining about the pain for months! I demand a second opinion!! - You need surgery, dummy! - There's your second opinion! I meant from
dr150128 -- someone who isn't my wife!!
dr150129 -- I refuse to have hip surgery, and that's final! - But the doctor says surgery will make your pain go away! I won't do it! - He says you'll feel like a new man! Absolutely not! - He says you'll be able to drive a golf ball significantly
dr150129 -- farther! Say what?
dr150130 -- The doctor sent you an application for a disabled parking permit. - You can use it while you recover from your surgery! Forget it. - I don't care HOW much pain I'll be in! There are people who need it more than I do! - I think there's a space
dr150130 -- in front of the donut shop. Where do I sign?
dr150131 -- Dad, don't get so stressed-out about having surgery! - But what if something goes wrong? The doctors know what they're doing! - Look on the bright side! By this time on Monday, it'll all be over! - Well, not OVER over! You know what I mean!
dr150131 -- Don't help me!
dr150201 -- Another Super Bowl Sunday in front of the TV! - - - - - Some people like the game, some people like commercials!
dr150202 -- St. Excruciation HOSPITAL It's time to wheel you to pre-op, Mr. Drabble. - In a little while, your surgery will be over and everything will be fine. - Don't worry about a thing, dear! kiss! ** Hop on the gurney, Mr. Drabble. - This is a
dr150202 -- gurney?? We've had a few cutbacks!
dr150203 -- St. Excruciation HOSPITAL Hi, doctor. Hello, Mr. Drabble! We'll be taking you to the O.R. shortly. - I sure hope I operate on the right body part today! - AH HA HA HA HA HA!! That wasn't funny. - He's cranky. Give him some happy juice! Yes,
dr150203 -- doctor. Happy juice?
dr150204 -- Hi, Ralph! Remember me? Nope! - I'm Linda! That's nice. - Linda? Who's Linda? I don't know any Lindas! - Ralph and I used to date! Oh, THAT Linda!!
dr150205 -- St. Excruciation HOSPITAL It's been a long time, hasn't it, Ralph? - Ralph and I used to date each other many years ago! - I remember now! I dated her right before I started dating honeybunch! - In fact, they may have overlapped a bit! I
dr150205 -- could tell some stories about you!
dr150206 -- What are the odds that my pre-op nurse would be my old girlfriend?? - I never told honeybunch all the details, but I was dating them at the SAME TIME! - And now, here they are in the same building as I'm about to have surgery! It's pretty
dr150206 -- funny! - I'M GETTING OUT OF HERE!! A little help in here please!
dr150207 -- So I heard you got married, Ralph. Is your wife here? Ubb...oobb..ubbub... - She's out in the waiting room! Wonderful! - While you're having your surgery, I'll go introduce myself! Time to go, Mr. Drabble! - NOOO!! Trust me, It'll all be over
dr150207 -- before you know it!
dr150208 -- - - - - HA! - HI! - HEEYA! - You'd think someone who's into martial arts would be able to kick a football farther! I think you were holding it too tight.
dr150209 -- I'm regaining consciousness. My surgery must be over! - I'm going to try to open my eyes now. - - Look who I just met, Ralph! I think I'll close them again!
dr150210 -- Look, Ralph! While you were in the operating room, I met your ex-girlfriend! - I never knew you were dating HER at the same time you were dating ME! - And *!* never knew why you stopped calling me! Why didn't you tell me you were getting
dr150210 -- married? - So, how did my surgery go? DON'T TRY TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT!
dr150211 -- HOSPITAL I can't believe my nurse is a girl I dated at the same time I was dating honeybunch! - Now they're BOTH mad at me! - How could things get any worse? - Time for your shots, loveboy! I asked your wife to help me!
dr150212 -- HOSPITAL Honeybunch, I can explain about Linda... - We only went out a few times, and the important thing is I married YOU, not HER!! - What are you talking about? Who's Linda? - The nurse I dated at the same time I was dating you! WHAT? I
dr150212 -- see the anesthesia is finally wearing off!
dr150213 -- HOSPITAL Everything looks good, Mr, Drabble! I expect a full and speedy recovery. You can go home tomorrow! - Your right hip will be good as new! You were supposed to operate on my LEFT hip!! - Ha ha! That was just a little more "doctor"
dr150213 -- humor! - There's a reason doctors become doctors and not comedians!
dr150214 -- Several Days Later.. Yawn! - Whoa! I forgot to use my walker! I just had surgery a week ago! - I guess I don't need it anymore! That's pretty neat! - Now I have another place to hang my clothes!
dr150215 -- Another missed free throw! I can't believe it! - There's no excuse for missing three free throws! You're only 15 feet away, everyone else has to stand still, and you can practice in your own driveway! - Free throws are IMPORTANT! Lots of games
dr150215 -- are decided by a point or two! - Back in MY day, when a guy missed a freethrow, he'd hang his head in shame and wait to be TRADED! - TODAY when you miss a free throw, you teammate's give you HIGH-FIVES! What's THAT all about?? - Would you
dr150215 -- high-five a GOLFER for missing a three-foot putt?! - I'm not even a basketball player and I practice my free throws!! I still might trade you!
dr150216 -- Wow, dad! - You're starting to look like your old self! - What does that mean? - You're getting gray and wrinkly!
dr150217 -- I like my new weather app! - It has a five.day forecast! - Tues * Wed * Thurs * Fri ** Sat - Saturday looks like a good day for sweatpants!
dr150218 -- - I'm trying to get my entire body in the picture! You're gonna need a bigger selfie stick!
dr150219 -- The war of 1812! The Kansas-Nebraska Act! Louis XIV! Ghengis Khan! It's nice to see them studying! - Do you have exams tomorrow? No, we're studying for our new trivia game app! That college tuition is finally paying off!
dr150220 -- I think it would be cool if basketball players were invisible! - All you'd see is the ball bouncing up and down! - Yeah, that would be sweet! - Most dads actually ENJOY watching sports with their sons! I also think it would be cool if hockey
dr150220 -- players were blindfolded!
dr150221 -- Hi, Wendy! - Seek closure, Norman! - Seek closure?? What on earth... - Oh! zip!
dr150222 -- Ralph, I told you to buy CRUSHED pineapple, not PINEAPPLE chunks! - No, you didn't! Yes, I did! - There's only one way to settle this: we'll do what the NBA does! - We'll ask a team of officials to watch the videotape! - The play is now under
dr150222 -- review! - - Oh, thank you. - Well? - Your ball. I kind of like this added feature of home surveillance system!
dr150223 -- Happy birthday, Bob! - I bought you a golf glove! Sweet! - I probably should've asked if you were right-handed or left. No worries... - I'm ambiduckstrous!
dr150224 -- #136: take smaller bites. - huh? What are you doing? - I'm making you a list of new year's resolutions for next year! - You're already up to *136*?? It's only FEBRUARY!! Darn! My pen ran out of ink!
dr150225 -- I'll bet I can guess your favorite sports team... - The Anaheim Ducks! How'd you know? - What other team would a duck root for? - The Buffalo Bills?
dr150226 -- Hello? Oh, hi, honeybunch! ...where am I? - I'm just taking the dog for a walk! Wow, his leash is shorter than mine!
dr150227 -- Sweet! No line! - I'll be right with you! - ? - Even when there's no line, the wait time is often the same!
dr150228 -- Patrick, guess what! - I went to the hockey game, and they put me up on the giant video screen! - Did they put you on the DANCE-cam or the KISS-cam? - The MESSY-EATER-cam!
dr150301 -- I love reading the newspaper! - I like the smell of ink! I like how it feels in my hands! - I love the sports section, the entertainment section...I do the crossword puzzle and save the comics for last! - Reading the paper is the most
dr150301 -- enjoyable part of my day! - I feel sorry for his generation!
dr150302 -- Daddy, can we build a pool? - Sorry, Penny. I can't afford it! Just get more money! - Do you think money comes from trees? Of course not! - It comes from under the couch cushions!
dr150303 -- Echo, this is my pet duck, Bob. - My dad hates ducks, so I told him Bob was a rare South American parrot! - I told MY dad that MY pet was a TOUCAN! - I can't believe how different we are!
dr150304 -- I'd like a guacamole burger, hold the guacamole. - Add bacon and cheese, with curly fries! That's exactly what I was going to order! - Only I'll have regular fries instead of curly fries! - What's happening to us? We used to have so much in
dr150304 -- common!
dr150305 -- It's amazing how much we have in common, Norman! - Excuse me, Echo, but I like to sit on the aisle! - I like to sit on the aisle, too! - Sometimes it can be a curse to have so much in common!
dr150306 -- Say cheese! - Penny, don't squint when you smile for a picture! Open your eyes wider! - Let's try again! Say cheese! - Not quite the improvement I was hoping for!
dr150307 -- - Perfect! - One donut weighs the same as three cookies! - I like to eat a balanced diet!
dr150308 -- WALLY zzyzx - - - - - z - - munch munch! YUK! - Apparently, a honey-mustard potato chip falling on the floor sounds exactly like a regular potato chip falling on the floor!
dr150309 -- Eat your carrots, Penny! Your body LIKES carrots! - My mouth is part of my body, and my mouth doesn't like 'em! - WA HA HA! - I mean, eat your carrots, young lady!
dr150310 -- I'm sorry, sir. You can't bring your drink into the theater! - But it costs a fortune to buy one inside! You'll have to throw it away. - OK, fine. - I thought you threw that away! I threw away the decoy!
dr150311 -- What a wonderful picture of you, Norman. You look so happy. - You remind me of your great-uncle Harold, shortly before he lost everything in the depression. - I'm so sad how he met his untimely end in the Pioneer Day parade. - I wish grandma
dr150311 -- wouldn't leave comments on my Instagram photos!
dr150312 -- honk honk HONK BEEP BEEP beep beep HONK! beep! honk! - honk honk! beep beep! EVERYBODY BUT ME, PLEASE STOP HONKING YOUR HORNS UNTIL I FIND MY CAR!
dr150313 -- ...Sigh... - I'd like to stay up and watch TV, but I need to go to bed! - I have to get up at noon and go to a movie! - Who said weekends are relaxing??
dr150314 -- FREE SAMPLE - SNARF! - Free Sample! In all honesty... - BULK CLUB Membership Discount House Maybe this isn't the best place to exercise on a rainy day!
dr150315 -- You should see our neighbors' garage, Ralph! - They have an emergency supply of food in storage! - It's such a good idea! We never know what the future holds! We should do the same thing! - I'm way ahead of you, honeybunch! I've been working
dr150315 -- on it for months! - You have? Follow me! - VOILA! - And remember, we haven't even looked under the car seats yet! The crud between the sofa cushions is NOT food storage!
dr150316 -- St. Patrick's Day used to be my favorite holiday... - A celebration of my Irish heritage! - Then my wife researched my ancestry and discovered I'm not Irish. - Now it's just not the same! Kiss me. I used to be Irish! If it makes you feel any
dr150316 -- better, your 3rd cousin 5 times removed owned an Irish setter!
dr150317 -- I used to love St. Patrick's day! I'd dress all in green and wear a funny hat! - But then you had to go research my ancestry! - Now I can't enjoy St. Paddy's Day anymore because I'm not Irish! Oh, well... - You can still enjoy Fat Tuesday!
dr150318 -- Here's our dinner, Ralph. - Salad, carrot sticks, celery... - And a rice cake for dessert! - Is it safe to assume you ate cookie dough for lunch again? That would be very UN-safe!
dr150319 -- May I have a cookie, honeybunch? Of course you can have a cookie! You're a grown man! - Can I play golf on Saturday? - Stop asking me for permission to do things. It drives me crazy! - Allow me to apologize!
dr150320 -- The sun is in my eyes! - I'm going to get a hat! - -
dr150321 -- Wow, honeybunch... - Have you lost some weight? - Yes! How could you tell? - Your apron strings are a little longer!
dr150322 -- I forgot to feed you, right?! - I'm sorry, Wally! - You must be starving! - I'll warm it in the microwave for you! - Sorry you've had to wait so long! - Well, you'll just have to be patient a little while longer, and then... - WHOA! I LEFT IT
dr150322 -- IN TOO LONG! - Now it's too hot to eat! You'll have to wait for it to cool off! - This is why dogs never feel all that bad about getting into the garbage!
dr150323 -- Wiener dogs have many talents! I can sit up... - I can roll over.. - I can fetch... - I can shake... Especially at the vet!
dr150324 -- Wally's Guide To Wiener Dogs - Playful That's me! - Clever I can get you to share any time I want! - Devoted I was only gone for two minutes! - Fearless knock knock! rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf I'm pretty sure vets
dr150324 -- don't make house calls!
dr150325 -- The FAKE THROW is the rottenest trick you can play on your dogs! - We take off after it until we realize the ball is still in your hand! - It's so embarrassing! But just remember, I AM NOT STUPID! ! - I'll only fall for this trick 15 or 16
dr150325 -- times in a row!
dr150326 -- Don't let your dog play with CAT toys! ding dingle - For one thing, they are DISGUSTING because they have KITTY SPIT all over them! - For another thing, dogs like to chew things up, and cat toys can have little bells and other stupid things
dr150326 -- inside them! aakk - And whatever you do, never EVER give a dog toy to a cat! sweet! MINE!!
dr150327 -- Wiener dogs are excellent sock hunters! - If you do the laundry and discover a sock is missing, you probably have a wiener dog! - We find them and chew them up until they are no longer a danger to anyone. rip! shred! tear! - You're welcome!
dr150327 -- What's WITH you?? Just trying to save lives!
dr150328 -- It's almost impossible to take a toy away from me! I'm too fast and clever! Forget it! - There's only one way to do it: start playing with another toy! - Then I'll drop MY toy and go after YOURS! - So don't ever do that, OK? HEY!
dr150329 -- - - - - Yawn! - - clomp! - I like to let them think they stand a chance once in a while!
dr150330 -- I LOVE this time of year! - In just a few days, baseball season starts again! - And in a few more days, we'll be mathematically eliminated again! All the more reason to enjoy it while it lasts!
dr150331 -- Darn! I spilled soup all over myself! - I missed my mouth completely! - How is that even POSSIBLE? - Talk about a big mouth!
dr150401 -- Hey, Wally! Care for a pork rind? - APRIL FOOL! - Well, if you didn't need to go outside, why were you whimpering in the middle of the night?
dr150402 -- Every day is the same. - I take up, take a nap, then go to bed! - I wake up, take a nap, wake up, take a nap, wake up, take a nap, wake up, take a nap, THEN go to bed! - You work too hard!
dr150403 -- What's wrong? Do you want me to feed you? - Ralph, did you feed Wally? Yes. - Why are you acting this way? He already fed you! - Yeah, but YOU didn't!
dr150404 -- What are you watching, Penny? Sesame Street! - That's the letter *Y*! No, that's *U*! - That's ME? That's the letter *U*! - Yeah, that's the letter ME! Forget it.
dr150405 -- WALLY THE EASTER BUNNY CAME!! - He snuck into our house last night and hid all the easter eggs!! WHAT?? - How did THAT happen?? How could a bunny get in here without ME knowing??! - I used to be able to smell an intruder a mile away! I must
dr150405 -- be slipping! - First it was Christmas, now THIS! - They're liable to trade me in for a better watchdog! - From now on, I'd better bark at EVERYTHING! - rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf
dr150405 -- rowf rowf! Why is this dog so weird? Good watchdogs put a lot of pressure on themselves!
dr150406 -- Welcome to Opening Day! - - - It feels good to get that first loss out of the way, doesn't it? I hate baseball!
dr150407 -- That's it! I give up! It's all over! - Bring on football season! Dad, it's impossible for a baseball team to be mathematically eliminated after two games!
dr150408 -- I'll be right back. - Restrooms <-- - Men Out of Oder - I find that hard to believe!
dr150409 -- Wanna go for a walk, Wally? - Hey! Hold still! - I need to attach your leash! - ...Sigh... You look like a soft-serve waffle cone!
dr150410 -- What's that? A healthy dinner! - Tuna, mashed cauliflower, and brussel sprouts! - I know you don't really like any of it, but it's very low in calories! - Now it's even lower!
dr150411 -- Don't touch anything in the store, Penny! - Only look! - Penny! I said to only LOOK! - I was lookin' with my fingers!
dr150412 -- You loo familiar. Yeah, I know you guys from somewhere! - Did your son play in Little League about ten years ago? He sure did! - Yeah! He played catcher for Dhe Mudhens! And your son played for The Sharks! - Those were fun times! They sure
dr150412 -- were! - Except for when the parents got a little too intense. You can say that again! - Remember that play at the plate where my son was called out, but he was really safe because your son missed the tag? The parents went nuts! - But I had a
dr150412 -- perfect view. Your son was out by a mile! - HE WAS SAFE!! OUT!! Do you remember any of this? Nope.
dr150413 -- We'll only be gone for a couple of days. Just a couple of days! - I wish you could all come, but it's important for adults to get away sometimes. Darn right it is! We understand, Mom! - Grandma will be here, so you'll be fine! Yeah, you'll be
dr150413 -- fine! - You're staying here, Wally. Wait, WHAT??
dr150414 -- Seating on this plane is first-come, first-served, Ralph. - I'm hoping no one will sit next to us! - Try to look big and sloppy and unpleasant! - What?? That's perfect!
dr150415 -- Ralph, we want to make sure no one sits in the empty seat next to us. - Put this bucket of chicken on your lap! - Nobody wants to sit near someone eating fried chicken on a plane! - Really? Trust me, all frequent flyers know this!
dr150416 -- Let's trade seats, Ralph! Someone would be less likely to take the empty seat with you in the middle! - No way! I'm staying on the aisle! - Excuse me, may I sit over there? - OK, I'll trade. Keep that seatbelt fastened!!
dr150417 -- In the event of an emergency, feel free to use me as a flotation device! - Seriously? - Yeah. You can too, honeybunch!
dr150418 -- Airline travel isn't what it used to be! - In the good old days, they showed in-flight movies! - It's better now because you can watch whatever you want on your laptop! - The only thing infront of me is the passenger in front of me!
dr150419 -- munch munch! - whimper... Sorry. There are mine! - It's not gonna work! - whine... Beat it! - HOP! - PANT PANT PANT - Oh, for cryin' out loud! Here! - When all else fails, use your dog breath!
dr150420 -- We're home! - You're back! You're back! I'm so happy! - We missed you so much! - Well, some of us missed you! Who ARE those people?
dr150421 -- Do not go in the Donut shop! - Donuts are fattening! Stay away! Keep walking! - Aw, go have a donut! - The voices in my head are no match for the voices in my stomach!
dr150422 -- I'm off to work, honeybunch! I'm going to make a healthy dinner tonight, Ralph! - We'll be having a vegetarian green bean salad! - What time will you be home? It's hard to say. - Depends on how many cars are ahead of me at the drive-thru!
dr150423 -- - - Why do you have that stupid look on your face? - Where else would I have it??
dr150424 -- Wind up the extension cord and hang it in the garage. OK. - - - Nice winding!
dr150425 -- You just went jogging and now you're eating ice cream? - It's my reward for exercising! - You ate pie before you went jogging! That was to give me INCENTIVE to exercise! - I won't even mention that I jogged to the donut shop!
dr150426 -- rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf ROWF rowf rowf rowf rowf ROWF rowf rowf - rowf rowf ROWF rowf rowf rowf ROWF rowf rowf rowf ROWF ROWF ...Sigh... - ROWF rowf rowf rowf rowf ROWF rowf rowf rowf rowf ? - rowf rowf rowf ROWF ROWF rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf
dr150426 -- ROWF rowf ROWF - ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF -There's nobody at the door, you dumb dog! Why are you barking?! - This has been a test of the emergency broadcast system...
dr150427 -- It's not fair! Every night I have to remove my make-up, brush my hair... - Floss my teeth, moisturize my face, do my exercises... - And then I have read until I finally get sleepy! - But YOU just fall into bed and go right to sleep! Something
dr150427 -- tells me I won't be going right to sleep tonight!
dr150428 -- Ralph, I hate break my silence, but... - You have not been adhering to your diet lately! - I never mind it when you break your silence, honeybunch. - It means I had a little bit of silence!
dr150429 -- BUMP! - That guy walked into me because he was texting! People are so rude! - I'm going to tweet about this! - BUMP!
dr150430 -- They say pets and owners start to resemble each other... - That's because they spend so much time together! Donuts - The usual, Ralph?
dr150501 -- - - - Why do you always sit in my chair when I get up? I've been wanting to ask you the same thing!
dr150502 -- - Beat it! - You already HAD dinner! - So did he!
dr150503 -- The price of a one-day ticket is $110. WHAT?? They raised the price AGAIN?? - I can't believe how often this theme park raises its price! Every time we come it costs more! - When I was a kid, a ticket cost two bucks! How is a family expected
dr150503 -- to even come here anymore? - Between the ticket and the parking and the food and the souvenirs... - There's a point at which we have to say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! We cannot AFFORD this anymore! It is financially IRRESPONSIBLE to... - FYI, ticket
dr150503 -- prices are scheduled to rise again in ten seconds! I'LL TAKE FIVE!
dr150504 -- Ralph, we shouldn't do this! There they are! - Listen, honeybunch, Norman and Echo are perfect for each other! We need to help them along somehow! - They might see us! Relax. It's dark in here. - I have a very bad feeling about this! I'd sure
dr150504 -- like some of that popcorn!
dr150505 -- Do we have to sit RIGHT BEHIND them?? Yes! I need to observe their interaction. - They're perfect for each other, but they don't seem to realize it! - I need to figure out how to bring them together! - And I thought *I* was the control freak!
dr150505 -- You are. I'm just very helpful!
dr150506 -- Ralph, we shouldn't meddle! Why not? I just want to help him! - My duty as a father is to impart my knowledge! - Believe me, I've learned a thing or two in my life! - Yes, but you've already told him both of them! He's probably forgotten the
dr150506 -- first one!
dr150507 -- I'm going to whisper some advice to Norman. - I'll whisper so softly, he'll think he thought of it himself. - Tell her she smells nice! - You smell like mice! I should've whispered a tad louder!
dr150508 -- Ralph, I'm afraid Norman's going to catch us spying on him! Relax... - Norman and Echo are perfect for each other! We've got to help them realize it! - I'm going to sprinkle some of my "Hey Karate" cologne on Norm. Women love it! - That stuff
dr150508 -- drives me CRAZY! Put that bow back in your hair!
dr150509 -- SMOOCH SMOOCH HONEYBUNCH, STOP IT!! - Norman, it's your parents! HI-YA! - Could you folks behave yourselves? Don't worry. We'll keep an eye on them! -
dr150510 -- Wally's Dog Training Guides HOW TO TEACH YOUR DOG TO SIT - When your dog is standing, say "SIT!" - Take a dog treat and hold it near his nose so he can see it! - Slowly raise it up over his head. - He will naturally sit down. - Say "good dog"
dr150510 -- and give him the treat! - That's one way to get your dog to sit. Another way is to say "Come on! It's time to go to the vet!"
dr150511 -- Do dogs know when they're dreaming? wurff wurff wurff - When they wake up, do they know it was only a dream? - Z - My guess is no! kick!
dr150512 -- I think I'll go to the drive-thru! - Unlike you, I can eat anything I want! - I feel sorry for dogs! You have to eat the same thing day after day! - Hello, Mr. D! The usual? Yep!
dr150513 -- Hey, where is... flip flip - What happened to... flip flip flip - What the... flip flip flip flip - WHO ARE ALL THESE LATE-NIGHT HOSTS??! I guess it's been a long time since he's been awake after midnight!
dr150514 -- Do I really need a donut? - I'd like one, but I know they're not good for me! - I'm reminded of a famous quote: "Do something your future self will thank you for." - Thanks, Ralph!
dr150515 -- Having a bad day, son? - Always remember... "When life stinks, open a window." - That's rather profound! Did that just occur to you? - No, I thought of it the last time you mom cooked brussels sprouts.
dr150516 -- - Why does Wally always think I want to steal his ball? - Many dogs are protective of their toys. - Although Wally overdoes it a bit! Z
dr150517 -- Ralph Drabble 2hrs Yum yum! - I usually like it when people post pictures of the food they eat, but not in your case! - Say what you want, but that peanut butter, potato chip and M&M sandwich was /magnifique/!
dr150518 -- Echo! Norman! What are YOU doing here?? SNO-CONES - I got a summer job here at the sno-cone snack! Me too! - We think so much alike, it's amazing! - It's hard to believe this is a two-man job, though! You're standing on both of my feet!
dr150519 -- Here you go! Thanks! - See? Perfect! I did the ice and you did the flavors! - That's why this is a two-person job! - Wait, who was supposed to take the money? Oh, great. Now it's a THREE-PERSON job!
dr150520 -- I can't believe we got jobs in the same sno-cone stand! - Maybe we can own our own sno-cone stand some day! - Between your brains and my brains, we could be a huge success! - Maybe. Hello! Is anyone in there?!
dr150521 -- Norman! We have a problem! I can't shut off the sno-cone machine! - There's ice EVERYWHERE!! - That explains why it*s getting so cold in here! - I wondered why my lips were turning blue!
dr150522 -- I can't turn off the ice machine!! It's piling up fast!! We need to get out of here, Echo!! - What are we going to do?? Don't panic! I just need to use my common sense! - I know! First we'll close this window to keep the heat inside!
dr150523 -- Echo, I just texted my dad and explained that we're trapped inside the sno-cone shack! - I told him it's filling up with snow because the machine won't turn off! I asked him what to do! chirp chirp! - Dad Unplug it, you moron! - What did he
dr150523 -- say? He said we should snuggle together until help arrives!
dr150524 -- GOLDEN YEARS Retirement Village Mother, I'm glad you and dad are enjoying the new 70-inch, hi-def TV we gave you for Christmas... - But you don't have to watch everything on that tiny box in the upper corner of the cable guide! You mean
dr150524 -- that's not how the screen is always supposed to look? No! Where's your remote? We don't know how to work it! I love grandma and grandad, but sometimes I wonder how they ever made it into their eighties.
dr150525 -- Dad! Thank heavens you're here! - We unplugged the ice machine, but we still can't get out! - The snow is piled so high against the door we can't pull it open! I don't know how much longer we can... - Oh. The sno-cone shack. That's a simple
dr150525 -- job, I thought...
dr150526 -- I HEAR IT!! - It's coming! It's coming!! - Oh, please stop here!! Mom sure gets excited when she hears the *UPS* van! It's the adult equivalent of the ice cream truck!
dr150527 -- Z - - STILL nothing! - My life is a series of unfavorited tweets!
dr150528 -- There! I did my duty! - We have to conserve water because of drought conditions... - So I tore out my lawn and replaced it with drought-resistant plants! - ...Sigh...
dr150529 -- Gulp! - Oh, yeah, one more thing... - I also have a teeny-tiny bottle of shampoo! - "The Glare" is often the most effective tool in airport security!
dr150530 -- Dad, I have some good news and some bad news. - And some good news about some pretty bad news. - And some fairly good news and some news that's not really good or bad and some news that's just plain stinko. - What would you like first? A bowl
dr150530 -- of ice cream and a nap!
dr150531 -- What are you doing, Ralph? Writing a note to myself, No-Neck! - On your HAND?? you don't have to do that! You can write reminders to yourself on your phone! I can? How?? - Just open the "Notes" icon. A blank page appears with a keyboard
dr150531 -- underneath. Type your message and save it! - Now all you have to do is check "Notes" and you'll be able to see what you wrote to yourself! That's kinda neat! - But I'm still confused...about something... - How will I remember to check my
dr150531 -- notes? Easy! Tie a string around your finger!
dr150601 -- Ralph, will you please feed Wally? - Yeah, sure. - I LOVE it when HE makes my dinner! - He makes it like he makes his ice cream! There! That looks about right to me!
dr150602 -- Norman posted a new tweet! - Norman Drabble If I could go back in time and do something... - I'd probably go and save Mufasa in the Lion king. That scene was messed up. - Would it be wrong to unfollow my own son?
dr150603 -- Be careful, dad! - There are signs on this beach warning that sharks have been sighted! - Aw, I'm not worried! - On second thought, let's all move back a little!
dr150604 -- I'm home! Dinner is almost ready! - I hope you're hungry! * SMOOCH - But probably not, since you had a pastrami sandwich with onion rings 2.5 hours ago! - My wife is a human breathalyzer!
dr150605 -- We're having a drought, you know... - Is it really a good idea to use up our water to fill a pool? Probably not. - That's why I'm using Mr. Steinbauer's water. HEY!
dr150606 -- What the... - IT'S RAINING! THE DROUGHT IS OVER!! - - I stand corrected. Ralph just did a belly flop into his pool! Ow! * *
dr150607 -- BEEP BEEP BEEP Z - Two in the morning?? Why would I set my alarm for two in the ... - Oh, yeah! - WALLY zzzzzz - zzyzx - - SNARF! - Nice try! LET ME HAVE THAT BALL; YOU DUMB DOG! You both need to get a life!
dr150608 -- Keep an eye on those burgers, Ralph! - - - They're still there!
dr150609 -- There sure is a lot of smoke when you barbecue, Ralph! It's not that bad. - How can you tell when the food is ready? - You can't see a thing! Don't exaggerate, honeybunch! - I'm not your wife! Oh, sorry, Steinbauer!
dr150610 -- I'm sorry that the water level in your tank has fallen so low, Flush! - We're supposed to conserve water because of the drought. - But never fear. I've come to the rescue! - My hero!
dr150611 -- Sweet! No line at the drive-thru! - There's one big advantage about being a regular customer... - Thanks, Jimmy! You bet, Ralph! - If I time it just right, I don't even need to slow down.
dr150612 -- OOF! - - It's bad enough that you jump on top of me, but why do you have to walk around in circles? I thought this stomach would be much more comfortable!
dr150613 -- SLAM! - Anything wrong, honeybunch? - Either I'm in really bad mood, or everyone at the mall is stupid! - Please let everyone at the mall be stupid.
dr150614 -- Self-Service YOGURT I like this yogurt shop, honeybunch! - They give you taster cups to sample the flavors! - - - trash - - - trash - I'm sure they'd give you more taster cups if you ask nicely! It's OK. It gets all over my hands anyway!
dr150615 -- I can't remember how it's supposed to go... - Does the paper hang over or under? - Who cares? Even if I get it wrong, what's the worst that could happen? - All right, who put on the new roll?
dr150616 -- I envy people who sit in the front row at baseball games. - They can see the break of a curveball, the the sweat on a player's brow... - and apparently, the cell reception's not bad, either!
dr150617 -- Our DVR is 97% full. - If we record another show, we'll lose one that we've already recorded! - Honeybunch, you need to stop recording that dumb cooking show that you never watch! - It might cause me to lose an episode of that car restoration
dr150617 -- show I never watch!
dr150618 -- Our DVR is full?? - Yes. You need to delete some of the shows you've recorded so we can record some new ones! MY shows?? - What about YOURS?! Why not delete the last Letterman show! You recorded it a month ago! I haven't watched it yet! -
dr150618 -- Exactly! You haven't even watched the last LENO show! I've been busy!
dr150619 -- Honeybunch, you have too many dumb shows recorded on the DVR. We're out of space! - You need to delete some of them! - Why not delete some of the shows YOU'VE deleted? My shows are important! - You could delete this episode of "Pawn Stars".
dr150619 -- No way!! That's the one where Chumlee gets a haircut!
dr150620 -- This is the first Father's Day when you haven't asked me for money to buy me a present! - We've grown up, dad! - I'm embarrassed that we actually used to do that! - This year, just give us your credit card so you won't have to pay until July!
dr150621 -- "You may not be the smartest dad in the world, or the most handsome... - "You may not be a hero or a superstar or even particularly important... - "You may not be wealthy or have a cool job... - "You may not be the snappiest dresser... - "And
dr150621 -- you may not have the best head of hair... - Don't you love it when the kids make their own father's day cards? I just hope there's a "but" coming up pretty soon! "Youmay not be our first choice to help us with our homework...
dr150622 -- WHIRRR - I love my new vacuum! - I mean, YOUR no vacuum! - Why did you even ask me for father's day gift ideas?
dr150623 -- When the dirt canister on our new vacuum gets full, it's easy to empty! - Will you empty it, please? Sure. - ACHOO! - Sorry.
dr150624 -- - - The slip n'slide really works better with water! Curse this drought!
dr150625 -- ...Sigh... - I hate Thursdays. - Why do you hate Thursdays? - Because on Thursdays I start thinking about how much I hate Mondays!
dr150626 -- The light turned green and the car in front of us isn't going. - Honk at him! Honking might make him mad. - Flash your lights at him! That could be misinterpreted. - I know...I'll turn on my windshield wipers at him!
dr150627 -- Well, Ralph? How did you like my spinach casserole? - Honeybunch, I have to admit... - I didn't think I'd like it! Well, I'm glad you did! - That was a very good non-answer! How do you think I've stayed married so long?
dr150628 -- WALLY! - DID YOU GET INTO THE KITCHEN TRASH? No. - BAD DOG! Don't yell at me! I didn't do it! - Why does the dog always get blamed for everything? - Any time something goes wrong around the house, everyone assumes it's the dog's fault! - I'm
dr150628 -- just a convenient fall guy! It's not fair and I won't stand for it anymore! - AND YOU ALSO GOT INTO THE *BATHROOM* TRASH?!! OK, THAT was me!
dr150629 -- Hello, kids! Welcome to Camp Upacreeky. - I'm Norman Drabble. I'll be your camp counselor! - For the next two weeks, you'll be making new friends, learning new skills, enjoying the... - I'm sorry...I already miss my dog!
dr150630 -- Let's go over a few simple rules of summer camp... - For the next two week, there will be no fighting and swearing... - No feeding the animals, no cell phone.. - -Wait, WHAT??!! No cell phones?
dr150701 -- No cell phones?? WHY??! There's no reception here! - HOW AM I GOING TO LAST TWO WEEKS WITHOUT RECEPTION?? I can't live without social media!! - HOW WILL I KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON IN THE WORLD?? 
dr150702 -- Don't cry! There are worse things than not having cell phone reception for two weeks! - I'm sure our parents will write us letters and tell us what's been trending lately. - My mother's never written a letter in her life! - OK, maybe our
dr150702 -- grandparents will write us letters! My dad doesn't even know cursive! sniff! What's a letter?
dr150703 -- Look! I see a red-breasted robin! I see a squirrel! I see a deer! - You notice all sorts of things when you don't have a cell phone in your hand! Is this my lifeline? I've never seen it before!
dr150704 -- Maybe we DON'T need our cell phones after all! - Real life is kinda fun! Look! A tree fell over! - There's an age-old question: if a tree falls in a forest... - ...and you can't post a selfie with it on Instagram, did it really happen? Yeah,
dr150704 -- but who cares?
dr150705 -- Here you go, Wally! - I just fed the dog! I ALREADY fed the dog! - You did? He shouldn't eat that much! - Take it away before he gets sick! - Uh-oh! - Hey, don't eat that! snarf snarf snarf - Dang! Too late! Don't feed Wally, I already fed
dr150705 -- him. When you see a dog dreaming, this is the kind of day we're dreaming about!
dr150706 -- CAMP UPACREEKY I GOT A LETTER FROM HOME!! I'M SO EXCITED!! - Wait, this is the letter that I SENT TO THEM!! - "Return to Sender"?? What the heck... - ...and then I wrote on it, "moved-no forwarding address"! That's SO not nice!
dr150707 -- I am the master of ghost stories! - What I am about to say will fill you with terror. - Is that a spider crawling up your leg? - AAAAAHHH!! I win!
dr150708 -- Do you have a girlfriend, Norman? There are two girls I like... - Echo and I have a lot in common, and she really seems to like me. - Wendy, on the other hand, is not so nice and seems to hate my guts. - That's a tough decision! How in the
dr150708 -- world did he get to be a counselor?
dr150709 -- I don't get it, Norman! Why do you like Wendy if she's not nice to you? - Wendy has a beautiful smile...although I've only seen it twice. - Once when I fell into a sinkhole and once when my nose got caught in her power windows! At least she
dr150709 -- has a good sense of humor!
dr150710 -- After two long weeks at camp, I'm almost home! - I can't wait to see my family again! - Who are you? The new homeowner. Your family moved! This must be "guy" humor.
dr150711 -- - Darn! This hardshell ice cream topping never works! - It's supposed to get crunchy, but it never works! - You're supposed to give it a few seconds! Maybe I need to shake it up better!
dr150712 -- zzyzxx! - DING DONG! - ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF! Wally's weird... - Every time the doorbell rings, he gets excited because it might be a badger! - Ohpleaseohpleaseohplease - My wife, on the other hand, thinks this might be the parcel
dr150712 -- delivery truck!
dr150713 -- How was your doctor appointment, honeybunch? Not good - sniff! What's wrong?? - My doctor wasn't as nice as he usually is. He acted like he barely knew me! - But...is everything ELSE OK? Physically I'm fine, but emotionally I'm scarred!
dr150714 -- I've been going to Dr. Green for years. - He's always been nice and friendly. He's always taken an interest in my stories... - But today he couldn't be bothered! It's like I was a stranger! - WHAT'S HAPPENING TO US? Maybe you two should
dr150714 -- consider counseling!
dr150715 -- Ralph, you just don't understand...my doctor is an important person to me! - Today he seemed cold and indifferent! - I worry that I may have offended him somehow! - Maybe I'll send flowers to his office! Did he happen to run any mental tests
dr150715 -- on you?
dr150716 -- Honeybunch, it's not unusual to think of your doctor as sort of a second husband. - You spend a lot of time with him, and he knows a lot about you! - It's kind of like how I think of the girl at the yogurt shop as...as... - WHOA! MY APPENDIX!
dr150716 -- CALL AN AMBULANCE! Nice try. Please finish your thought.
dr150717 -- It's useless trying to lose weight! - I'm just naturally husky! - It's obviously in my genes! - My genes must be "relaxed fit".
dr150718 -- Rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf Wally! No barking! - rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf - Wally! I said NO BARKING! - What part of "no barking" do you not understand? The "no" and the "barking".
dr150719 -- One Chocolate Long John, Timmy! You got it, Ralph! - Here's your mail, Timmy! - Hey, didn't I just see you in another donut shop? Huh? - I did! You ordered a Chocolate Long John! You're going to other donut shops behind my back, Ralph? - You
dr150719 -- probably do that so you can tell your wife you only bought one donut here! - You go to donut shops all day long? Timmy, I can explain... Don't bother! - I have different kinds of problems than most people!
dr150720 -- This is amazing... - The queen is going to renovate Buckingham Palace. - It's going to cost three-quarters of a billion dollars! Wow! - She must be using the same guy who did our kitchen!
dr150721 -- "Shark Tank" is on! I LOVE this show! - People pitch their business ideas to five wealthy investors, hoping one of them will buy in! - Some have great ideas, but others are so bad, you wonder how they got into the show! - Now entering the
dr150721 -- Shark Tank, Ralph Drabble! DAD!!
dr150722 -- Dad's on SHARK TANK!! - Hello, Sharks! I'm about to offer you the chance of a lifetime!.. - The opportunity to invest in the next multi-billion dollar fast-food chain... - Ralph Drabble's Peanut Butter Sandwich Emporium! I'm out! NEXT!
dr150723 -- Mr. Drabble, why do you think people would buy your peanut butter sandwiches? - Because MY sandwiches have secret ingredients that make them irresistible! - Please try one! -. Tastes like potato chips and M&M's! I said it was a SECRET!
dr150724 -- Sharks, Drabble's Sandwich Emporium will be the next great fast-food chain! - I'm asking you for ten million dollars in return for 2% of my company. - I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. - Playing hardball, eh? Fine, I'll give you
dr150724 -- 3%! Take it or leave it!
dr150725 -- Sharks, Drabble's Sandwich Emporium will be HUGE! Here is my final offer... - 25% of my company for a mere one-million dollars! - Sorry. We're out! OK, OK! How about 50% for a hundred dollars? - I'll give you ten bucks just to get out of here.
dr150725 -- DEAL!
dr150726 -- WALLY zzyzx! - DING DONG The front door! - Could be a badger! Could be the parcel delivery guy!! - PARCEL DELIVERY! BADGERS!! - It's just me. I locked myself out! - Dang! What a letdown! ...Sigh... - It's nice to be so revered around here!
dr150727 -- DING DONG! WALLY - rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf Come in! - rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf Don't mind him. He never bites! - Great. Why not just tell him where the jewelry is hidden?
dr150728 -- Ralph, I'm going on a fun little getaway with my girlfriends! - We rented a place at the beach. We're going to take walks, do some sightseeing and relax! - Don't give me that sad face! I'll only be gone for a few days! - Apparently, my "sad"
dr150728 -- face is similar to my "oh boy, I can have ice cream for breakfast" face!
dr150729 -- Don't look so sad! I'll only be gone for a few days! - I'm going to go back and give them another hug! - SPLASH! NO WATER BALLOONS INDOORS!!
dr150730 -- Do you think mom will be mad that you took us for fast food? No... - While she's away, we still have to eat! - I'm not a good cook. She'll understand! - Do you think she'll be mad that you took us at midnight? Everyone enjoys a late night
dr150730 -- snack!
dr150731 -- chirp chirp! Uh-oh! Your mom just texted! - She said "I'm almost home". - text text text How almost home are you? Ask her to drive around the block a few times while I get the vacuum!
dr150801 -- Yes, I had such a good time, too! I can't believe she's talking to her friends again! - She just spent three days with them, and she STILL has things to talk about?? How is that POSSIBLE? - I've got nothing to talk to my brother about because
dr150801 -- I just talked to him last Christmas!
dr150802 -- I'm going to be late for my tee-time! - whimmer... What? You need to go out? - All right, but make it snappy! - I don't have time for you to SUNBATHE!! - I can't leave you out there! You're just gonna wanna come back inside in five minutes! -
dr150802 -- Fine! I'll leave you! Goodbye! - whimmer Oh, for... - What now? Something to eat? OK. - ...and after that, he wanted to play Frisbee. I'm glad you could join me for the back nine!
dr150803 -- I haven't seen Wendy a while. There's her house. I wonder if she misses me? - There's only one way to find out. - Yes? I'm Not With Stupid Anymore Never mind!
dr150804 -- PIZZA You know, Ralph, I really didn't think I was going to like the pizza you ordered... - And I was right. The Donut Pizza is an acquired taste!
dr150805 -- You kids drive me crazy! - It's summer! Go OUTSIDE and play! - Whoa! The glare is terrible! - Not as bad as the glare INSIDE!
dr150806 -- There's your ball! I can't believe I hooked it way out here! - It's kind of scenic, though! - Fortunately I have just the right stick for this situation! - 
dr150807 -- Knock knock! Who's there? - Banana! Banana who? - Um...don't cry! It's just a joke! - HA HA HA HA! She definitely inherited your sense of humor!
dr150808 -- I'll teach you how that joke really goes, Penny... - Knock, knock! Who's there? - Boo! EEK! - Mommy! Daddy's trying to scare me! Maybe comedy's not her thing!
dr150809 -- - - - - - The kiss-cam is striking out tonight! Say what?
dr150810 -- I'll have a Chocolate Long John! And for you, Ralph? - I'll have one "Ralph Drabble". - How did you get a donut named after you, dad? - It all started when your mom said I could only buy one donut per week!
dr150811 -- BOP - BOP BLAM! - Nothing like a rousing game of bop-bop-blam! I always win!
dr150812 -- Did I snore last night? - Maybe a little. That's so embarrassing. - No need to be embarrassed. - The guy across the street assumed it was me. THE GUY ACROSS THE STREET??
dr150813 -- - - I'm back from the snack bar. What took you so long? - It takes a while to fill one of their large drink cups!
dr150814 -- Good morning, Chester! How's it going? Not so good, Ralph. - You know how a balloon is always drawn with a little rectangle there to make it look shiny? - I'm having trouble making it look right! Gee, that's too bad. - Nobody really cares
dr150814 -- about the problems of a cartoonist!
dr150815 -- Ralph, I think you should start going to the gym. - I DO go to the gym! you do? How often? - Every day. - Maybe you should start doing different exercises. - Or go to a gym that isn't next to a donut shop!
dr150816 -- WE'RE HOME! - Wally? - Where's Wally?? He always greets us at the door! And barks his head off! - He's not in the back-yard! - He's not upstairs! I'm scared! - Found him! Where? - He climbed up on the kitchen counter and didn't know how to
dr150816 -- get down! I think he's embarrassed! Were the cookies good, Wally? They can't see me if I don't make eye-contact!
dr150817 -- HOLD STILL! I'LL GET HIM! - That's my pet parrot, you fenderhead!! No one understands my sense of humor!
dr150818 -- twist twist spin spin! - Voila! - Just for you, Ralph! They keep my favorite donut in there in case they run out before I get here!
dr150819 -- - DANG! - I hate it when I beat myself at Tic-Tac-Toe! - Although part of me liked it! I'll sure be glad when school starts again!
dr150820 -- Whoa! That driver just cut me off! - Why would someone DO something like that?! - Probably because you were driving so slow! - And why does my wife always take the other guy's side? And also because your car is so dirty!
dr150821 -- Why should I act happy if I don't FEEL happy? - It's hypocritical! It's not real! slap slap - I refuse to pretend to be something I'm not. - ...said Norman, as he put on hairspray and cologne!
dr150822 -- ka-pok! ka-pok! ka-pok! ka-pok! - CRUNCH! Problem solved! Do we have any more ping pong balls?
dr150823 -- chirp chirp! - :-) - chirp chirp! - LOL! - chirp chirp! ...Sigh... - <thumb up> - chirp chirp! Yup! - chirp chirp! <heart> - chirp chirp! ":-)))" - Either I need to learn how to opt out of these group texts, or I need to find a more
dr150823 -- interesting group! chirp chirp!
dr150824 -- DONUTS Bad news, Ralph! I can't save your favorite donuts for you anymore. - "Donut-Saving" is a violation of the International Donut Shop Owner's Agreement. - It's first come, first served. You'll just have to get here a little earlier! -
dr150824 -- What's the world coming to? Can I interest you in these plain ones nobody wants?
dr150825 -- Steinbauer! You beat me to the donut shop this morning! - I want all of your remaining chocolate long johns! - WHAT? you can't buy them all! Those are my favorite! You only want them all to SPITE me! - Mmm...delicious! THIS MEANS WAR!!
dr150826 -- Ralph! You beat me to the donut shop this morning! - Please tell me you're not buying up all the donut holes! Those are my favorite!! - Ralph! Answer me!! - Thay wha?
dr150827 -- Steinbauer won't beat me to the donut shop this morning! - He won't be able to pick all the ones I wanted! I'll be the first in line when it opens! - Come on in, Ralph! - Thanks for letting me sleep in here, Timmy!
dr150828 -- I hate parking garages. Finally I see a spot on level five! - Don't forget to lock the doors. OK - BEEP! - That's another reason I hate parking garages!
dr150829 -- I hate underground parking garages! - You drive around and around until you find a level with empty spaces... - Then you have to go up a bunch of escalators. - And one of them is always broken. Please use the stairs
dr150830 -- - - - ...Sigh... - What's the date? - August 30th. - Hmm... - Eh, why bother? If you procrastinate long enough, you can get away with never taking down your Christmas lights!
dr150831 -- Don't even THINK about it, you dumb cat! I won't. - BLAM! - That was a no-brainer! This is why it's not called the CAT days of summer!
dr150901 -- It's September! How can it already be September?? - What happened to AUGUST?? What happened to *2015*?? - Where did the time go?? Where did my LIFE go??! - Time for another "first of the month" speech! It's better than his "high price of gas"
dr150901 -- speech!
dr150902 -- Ooooh! - I can't understand why I have such a bellyache! - I've only eaten two things today... - A box of donuts and a bucket of chicken! Go figure.
dr150903 -- Honeybunch, what are you cooking? - I was outside and noticed something smells really good! - Spinach souffle! - Maybe it was the neighbors.
dr150904 -- The freezer door won't close! - You've got to use a little finesse, Ralph! - SHOVE! - Voila!
dr150905 -- Ice cream, cookies, candy, donuts... - Diet powder. - HA HA! - Sorry. I'm not supposed to laugh! Never put the diet powder at the end of the conveyor belt!
dr150906 -- OK, smile for daddy! - Excuse me...would you like me to take the picture so you can be in it, too? - Yes! Thank you! - OK, one...two... Excuse me! - Would you like to be in the picture, too? - Say cheese!
dr150907 -- Whoa! Here comes Dad again! Look out!! - - SPLOOSHT1 - It's a good thing the pool is so close to the barbecue!
dr150908 -- Goodbye, summer! - I can always feel a change after labor day! - Outside, fall is in the air! - Inside, winter is in the air! Fa la la lala...
dr150909 -- Fall is in the air! - I've heard that cartoonists hate autumn. Why? - Because falling leaves are hard to draw. - Snow is easier! Guess it's going to be a short autumn!
dr150910 -- It's true... - Snow is much easier for a cartoonist to draw than falling leaves. - Although drawing a bunch of little circles can make your hand cramp up. - NOW we're talking!
dr150911 -- What are you watching? "Sharknado". - Well, I'm glad you're instilling on our kids an appreciation for the cinematic masterpieces! - Maybe later you can broaden their horizons with The Three Stooges! - That was a little SNARKnado!
dr150912 -- Men - ? - WHIRRRRR - Some of those automatic handdryers are very powerful!
dr150913 -- Thank you! Thank you! - I LOVE getting packages! I'm so excited! I'm like a kid on Christmas!! - It's taped up pretty good! How am I going to get it open?? - Darn! My car keys don't work! - Give me your comb! His comb?? - THIS WON'T OPEN IT,
dr150913 -- EITHER! - Should we get scissors? Not yet, I'm wondering what she'll try next! Stick out your claw, Oogie! We never acted like this on Christmas!
dr150914 -- I predict this batter will hit a home run! - Or maybe a triple, double or single... - Or he'll walk make an out, or reach base on an error or a dropped third strike! - YES! I CALLED IT! You've got quite a feel for the game, son!
dr150915 -- Trash day was yesterday, Steinbauer! - You need to put away your cans in a more timely manner! - I'll put my cans away when you put away your St. Patrick's Day flag! - Oh, yeah! It's on my to-do list!
dr150916 -- Why does Wally always follow you around, mom? - Because he thinks I'm the leader of the pack! - When I'm not here, he follows your dad because he's next in line! You're next in line after that! - He's never followed me anywhere! I figure at
dr150916 -- that point, I'm better off on my own!
dr150917 -- Whenever I make a note to myself, I can't decipher my own handwriting! - So my family convinced me to make notes on my cell phone instead. - Hammocks not fat. It's not off it's ouch. - That's not working out so great, either!
dr150918 -- ICE CREAM I can't believe how much we have in common, Echo! - Just remember, no two snowflakes are exactly alike! What's that supposed to mean? - It means things that seem alike might actually be very different! - I know what that means, but
dr150918 -- what is that SUPPOSED to mean??!
dr150919 -- Norman, I'm just saying... - Sometimes things that seem similar are actually very different! - No two snowflakes are exactly alike! - I used to think the expression was "no two CONFLAKES..." Me too! And I'd stare at them all at breakfast! Me
dr150919 -- too!
dr150920 -- I'm going to look ridiculous at my army reunion! What's wrong, Ralph? - I can barely fit into my uniform anymore! I haven't gained THAT much weight! Why won't it fit me?? - Well, for one thing, that's Norman's boy scout uniform! Oh, thank
dr150920 -- heavens!
dr150921 -- Hey, it's a foul ball! I might be able to catch it!! - Here, catch it with your jacket! - What??! Don't use your bare hands, use your jacket! - How on earth can you catch a BASEBALL with a JACKET??! DO I need to demonstrate? Honestly, you're
dr150921 -- so clueless!
dr150922 -- I GIT IT! I GOT IT!! Ralph, you can't catch it with your bare hands! - You'll break a finger! Here, use your jacket! - What are you talking about?? I've never seen anyone catch a ball with a JACKET! - Fine. Do it your way! I saw a guy catch
dr150922 -- one in his hat once. This must be a really high foul ball!
dr150923 -- I GOT IT! Ralph, I'm telling you, catch it with your jacket! - All right! All right! - WHAP! * * - Ouch. Well, you weren't supposed to hold it THAT way!
dr150924 -- I SEE IT! Where? Over there! - That's it! That's it!! - I spend a fortune to take my family to a major league baseball game, and what excites them? Seeing our car in the parking lot! Let me see! Let me see!
dr150925 -- Trash - Cans & Bottles - Yard Trimmings Donut Boxes
dr150926 -- - - ? - I'm not sure this dog training stuff is working. Here's your treat!
dr150927 -- - - Gasp! - - - Donuts - Drabble! Steinbauer! You're in luck! - I know you both like Chocolate Long Johns! I have two left! - Thank! I'll take them both!
dr150928 -- Hmmm... - How many stamps does it take to mail a letter to Idaho? - How should I know? - People our age don't mail letters! I'm going to guess eleven.
dr150929 -- Are you Ralph Drabble? Yes. - Are you all right? Yes, why? - We were asked to do a wellness check. You were reported missing. Who reported me missing? - Timmy's Donut Shop, Dave's Pizza, and Yogurt City. I guess I forgot to tell them I was
dr150929 -- going on a diet!
dr150930 -- Two sodas, $2 each... - That'll be $4! The sign outside reads "Buy One, Get One". - Right! You get one if you buy it!
dr151001 -- It's not fair... - Women have to be thin and attractive. - And men don't have to be anything! - I guess I'm living proof of that!
dr150102 -- squeak squeak squeak - Ralph, it's so embarrassing to walk through the library with you! squeak squeak squeak - Take off those squeaky shoes! ...Sigh... OK - squeak squeak squeak Maybe I need a chiropractor!
dr151003 -- Remember to pick up your toys, Penny! Why? - Because we want our home to be neat and tidy! Why? - Because mommy doesn't like clutter! Why? - Why do you keep asking why? Why not?
dr151004 -- Where's Penny? - I can't find her anywhere?  Hee hee! - Where could she be? chuckle chuckle I think she's under the blanket! - I've looked all over the house! Here she is! Hey! - Maybe she's under the couch! She's right here! Trust me! I know
dr151004 -- how to find people! - Maybe she's under the table! I'm that bump under the blanket, daddy! I give up! I love my family, but some of them aren't very bright! Do what cats do...just ignore them!
dr151005 -- I check my blood pressure every time I see one of these testing machines. - Whoa! It's a little high! - Maybe the waiting room of the car mechanic isn't the best place for this. It's going to cost an additional $600!
dr151006 -- Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, Twitter... - Kids today spend hours and hours staring at phones and computers! - I feel sorry for them! - Think of all the TV shows they're missing!
dr151007 -- Dinner! - - - Now for dessert!
dr151008 -- Can we buy a pumpkin here? No! We could go to the supermarket and buy FIVE pumpkins for the price of one of these! - You and your big mouth! I didn't mean it literally!
dr151009 -- I'm going to watch the ballgame with the volume down, and listen to Vin Scully call the game on radio! - Why? Because Vin is the best baseball announcer ever! - The only problem is, we'll hear it on radio five seconds before we see it on TV!
dr151009 -- - Wow, he must REALLY be good! I can't figure out how he does it!
dr151010 -- Jefferson, Adams, Washington, Franklin... - It's amazing that such talent was all in the same place at the same time! Yup! - I can only remember that happening one other time in history... - It was when Scully, Enberg, Miller and Chickie-Baby
dr151010 -- all did play-by-play in L.A.!
dr151011 -- It must be October! - The rake is getting a workout! - I've raked the front yard and the backyard... - But I'm still not done! - Hey! Thanks for dropping all your candy wrappers in a pile, dad! Just trying to be helpful, son!
dr151012 -- BOOT! - -Out! - CALL FOR A VIDEO REPLAY!! It's just intramural kickball, Ralph!
dr151013 -- We seem to be the only parents who come to watch the intramural kickball games. - I always hope for some reason to cheer for Norman! - He's GOT to be able to succeed at kickball! - KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE BALL AND TIE YOUR SHOES!
dr151014 -- BLOOT! - I got it! I got it! - OUT! - That ball is not properly inflated! I'm calling the commissioner! I doubt there's a commissioner of intramural kickball!
dr151015 -- How was school, Penny? Terrible. - I only got TWO STARS on my snowman! - TWO Stars?? Not FOUR?? I spent hours working on... - I mean, I spent hours watching you work on this all by yourself!
dr151016 -- I'm home from school! How was your day? - Boring! I only had three exams to take! - There are no exams tomorrow, so I have nothing to study for tonight! - I can't WAIT until I'm in law school! Maybe you can read "War and Peace" again tonight!
dr151017 -- How was your day, Norman? - Pretty good, mom! - I forgot it was Saturday and there's no school, so I got to come home early! - That's YOUR son! I wondered how I found such a sweet parking spot!
dr151018 -- chirp chirp chirp chirp chirp chirp! - May - chirp chirp chirp chirp chirp chirp - I - chirp chirp chirp chirp chirp chirp - Have - chirp chirp chirp chirp chirp chirp ...Sigh... - Dessert - Hee hee chirp chirp chirp chirp chirp chirp Patrick,
dr151018 -- why are you texting me one word at a time? Have I ever mentioned that mom's text alerts drive me crazy`` Yes, and you probably shouldn't have!
dr151019 -- - - - That was the lamest corn maze I've ever seen! No refunds.
dr151020 -- Don't feel bad, Patrick... - Every soccer goalie knows what it's like to give up the winning goal. - And no one ever feels worse then the goalie! - Except maybe the goalie's dad! Sniff!
dr151021 -- You always THINK you know what I'm trying to say, but you usually don't. - I'm amazed at how often you're wrong! - You mean well, but quite frankly, you're just annoying! - So, what did you learn today? That I'm the human equivalent of
dr151021 -- auto-correct!
dr151022 -- There's nothing more fun than a college football game, Stu! - The cheerleaders, the marching band...what's not to like? - We could use a better mascot! What have you got against roly-poly bugs?
dr151023 -- Who ever heard of having a roly-poly bug as a college mascot?? - Roly-poly bugs are very important to our ecological balance! - But it's a terrible mascot!! It's stupid and embarrassing and... - They also rollup into a ball when they feel
dr151023 -- threatened!
dr151024 -- I love the atmosphere at college football games, Stu! - The student section is over there, the alumni section's there. - Wait, how come WE don't sit in the student section? - We sit in the nerd section. Excuse me, where did you buy that
dr151024 -- "Star Wars" pocket protector?
dr151025 -- PUMPKIN FARM Rides! Games! Animals! - - - - - - Hello, 911?
dr151026 -- I seem to be a little congested, mom. I probably should stay home from school tomorrow! Nice try, Patrick. - Now clean up the pumpkin guts!
dr151027 -- Once again, I have the best jack-o'-lantern in the neighborhood! Take a look at min, Steinbauer! - I call it a jerk-o'-lantern!
dr151028 -- - - KWAK - Quack-o'-lantern!
dr151029 -- Careful! It might be a prank! Yeah! That might be a GUY wearing a DUMMY costume! - And he'll probably jump out at us when we reach for candy! Naah! That's just a dummy! - He might be real! It's hard to tell! If he's real, that's sure a good
dr151029 -- DUMMY costume! ...Sigh...
dr151030 -- Trick or treat! Great costume! - Thank you! What's that supposed to be? You dad's exercise bike!
dr151031 -- Hey, you're the college mascot! The roly-poly bug! - You're too big for trick-or-treating! - Go away! - He's such a sensitive type!
dr151101 -- SALE Women's Apparel - - - - - - ...Sigh... - When the escalator is broken, you can just walk up the steps, you know! I decided I'd just rather stand here than go up to women's apparel.
dr151102 -- $200,000,000??!! Maybe I should by one! - Don't so it, Ralph! Gambling rarely pays off! - $200,000,000??! You'd be crazy not to buy a $2 ticket! - Wait, it only costs two bucks?? Buy a thousand tickets and increase your chances!
dr151103 -- What if I won the lottery?? Just think how my life would change! - Don't do it! Most lottery winners die penniless! - He's probably going to die penniless anyway, so what's the difference? Let me get back to you on that!
dr151104 -- - Oh no! The winning lottery ticket was sold at the Polecat Mini-Mart! - That's where I ALMOST bought a ticket!... - But someone talked me out of it! Sorry! That's the ONE TIME you didn't listen to me!
dr151105 -- I can't believe it! I almost bought a lotto ticket at the Mini-Mart. - And THAT'S where the winning ticket was sold! - What could be worse than knowing I could've been a millionaire?? - "The winner is GEORGE STEINBAUER"?? Good morning, poor
dr151105 -- person!
dr151106 -- I can't believe you won the lottery, Steinbauer! - How will you ever spend two hundred million bucks? Trust me. I'm a shrewd businessman! - Besides, half of the money is already gone. Taxes? - No, I stopped by the casino on the way home!
dr151107 -- Think of all the good you can do with your lottery money! I've already done it! - I sent the rest of my money to the widow of a benevolent dictator, who sent me an E-Mail begging for financial assistance! - That's a scam. It IS?? - THANK
dr151107 -- goodness I used my credit card! At least I'll get 3% cash back!
dr151108 -- - OOF! * - Don't close your eyes in church! It's disrespectful! - Nah-ahh! It means I'm paying close attention to what's being spoken! - When my eyes are open, I'm looking around getting distracted! - When my eyes are closed, it means I'm
dr151108 -- focusing on the words I'm hearing! - What does it mean when he's snoring? Z It means I'm going to turn his other cheek!
dr151109 -- Ralph, Halloween was over a week ago! - Isn't it time to throw away the jack-'o'-lantern? - That's the abominable pumpkinman! According to legend, you must never throw him away! - If you do, he'll climb out of the trash can and return to
dr151109 -- haunt us! It's true, mom. Dad's not crazy! Well...
dr151110 -- If you can't throw away the abominable pumpkin man, what should we DO with him? - If you leave him alone until thanksgiving, he disappears. If you throw him away, he comes back to haunt you! - That's the worst preposterous thing you've ever
dr151110 -- said... - Besides "I'm going to lose ten pounds." I'm still working on that!!
dr151111 -- Honeybunch, you must NEVER throw away the abominable pumpkinman! - If you do, he'll climb out of the trash can and return to terrorize us! - He will suddenly appear at the worst possible time and scare the daylights out of me! - Kind of like
dr151111 -- your mother!
dr151112 -- Hey, where's the abominable pumpkinman?? - I threw him in the garbage can! YOU WHAT??! - This "abominable pumpkin man" stuff is nonsense! He will not come back to haunt us! - Look... - Well, I THOUGHT I threw him in here!
dr151113 -- What's wrong? Mom threw away the Abominable Pumpkinman! - WHAT?? WE'RE CURSED!! HE'S NOT IN THE CAN!! - THAT MEANS HE'S COMING BACK TO HAUNT US!! - ...or it could mean I threw him in the other can!
dr151114 -- KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK There he is!! Te Abominable Pumpkinman has returned to haunt us!!! - Stop being silly and go answer the front door! OK - AAAAAAAAHHH!! - It's your mother.
dr151115 -- - CLOMP! - BOP! - CHOMP! - TAP! - SMIRK! - - SNARF! - It's virtually impossible to do ANYTHING with a wiener dog around!
dr151116 -- ...Sigh... - GREAT SCOTT! IT'S 2015!! - Come on, Marty! Let's go back to 1985! - I wanna go back to 1985, too!
dr151117 -- I'm home! - How was your day, Ralph? - All I can say is, thank goodness it's Friday! - It's Tuesday. Oh, crud!
dr151118 -- What did the doctor say? - He said I'm in great shape for a man half my age! Really?? - I THINK that's what he said! - Either that, or I'm in great shape for a man TWICE my age!
dr151119 -- - - - See? It tastes great! Now eat your dinner!
dr151120 -- - - Here, Penny. I found your toy! Thanks! - Hang on to it better! That big guy squashed all the balls!
dr151121 -- Hey, dad... Hay is for horses! - My second-grade teacher, Mrs. Heinlein, always said that whenever someone said "hey." - I've never forgotten it! - Thank you, Mrs. Heinlein!
dr151122 -- Dad! There's a big spider on the floor of the living room!! - So get rid of it! I'm afraid of spiders! - If I try to swat it, it might crawl up my shirt and bite me! - Well, then use the vacuum cleaner! - What a good idea! Why didn't *I*
dr151122 -- think of that? - IT'S NO USE! HE'S TOO FAST!! BAM! BAM! BAM! ...Sigh...
dr151123 -- Buy a new fridge, Ralph? - My wife did. I don't know why. - Our old refrigerator worked great! - I just found some chocolate milk that expired in 2011, and it's still pretty good!
dr151124 -- I'd be glad to take that old refrigerator off your hands, Ralph! - I don't need anyone to take it off my hands! - TAKE IT OFF MY HANDS!!!
dr151125 -- Can I have your old refrigerator, Ralph? Gee, I don't know, Steinbauer... - Don't give it to him! You'll be sorry! - Nonsense! It never hurts to be nice! You might even become friends! - Why would anyone want to become friends with
dr151125 -- STEINBAUER?? Good point. At least we don't have to haul it to the dump!
dr151126 -- OK, Steinbauer. I'll let you have my old refrigerator. Cool! - I can't imagine why you'd want it! - Come to poppa! - Let me check it one last time... - Sweet! An Eskimo pie! THAT'S MINE NOW!!
dr151127 -- Thank you very much! - Where is he taking my refrigerator? MY refrigerator! You gave it to me, remember? - The electric company has a rebate program. $100 for old refrigerators! - But I gave that to you because you said you NEEDED it! I did!
dr151127 -- I needed $100! smooch
dr151128 -- You asked for my old refrigerator just so YOU could get the rebate for it?? - Let's see...what shall I do with all the money?? - I could play a round at a fancy golf course...I could dine at a fancy restaurant... - Decisions, decisions! You
dr151128 -- could heal at a fancy hospital!
dr151129 -- Why are you hiding under the couch? - I'm laying low! - I could possibly be in trouble. - I may have tracked mud into the house. - I'm hoping they won't find me under here!
dr151130 -- Where is it?? - Why can I never find the remote?? - Because I put it in the drawer, where it belongs! - Who would ever think to look there?
dr151201 -- BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK Wally, shush! - SHUSH?? - Would you have shushed PAUL REVERE? Would you shush the SMOKE ALARM?? - Would you shush a test of the EMERGENCY BROADCAST SYSTEM?? Why does that dog always follow me around?
dr150202 -- BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK ...Sigh... - Don't bark. - ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF Don't rowf either. - YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP I give up!
dr151203 -- Wally, listen to me...you don't need to bark your head off every time you hear a noise! - There's no reason to get excited! Everything is fine! Oh, OK! - See? That's all you had to do! Just calmly explain things to me, and I'll always... -
dr151203 -- KNOCK KNOCK ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF
dr151204 -- Would you like to go out with me tonight, Wendy? No. - Is today "opposite day" by any chance? No. - If it really was opposite day, would you tell me? Yes. - I'll pick you up at seven!
dr151205 -- - - Sometimes I'll look at my phone just so I don't seem like such a geezer!
dr151206 -- Why are you hiding under the couch again? - I might be in trouble. I got into the garbage again! - So? That's what dogs do! It's nothing to be ashamed of! - I do all sorts of bad things! I claw the furniture, I get cat hair all over
dr151206 -- everything... - You'll never see ME hiding! That's because cats have pride and dignity! - The pet groomer is here! Where's the dumb cat?! - Whoa, it's so dark under here!
dr151207 -- On the 12th day of Christmas, our dog Wally gave us... - 12 broken light bulbs - 11 missing ornaments - 10 muddy pawprints... Wasn't me!
dr151208 -- 9 Untied Ribbons grrrr! - 8 Carolers Barked At... rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf!
dr151209 -- 7 Dogs-A-Leaping - 6 Secret Santa Plates Ransacked - 5 Popcorn Striiiiiiinnnngs!
dr151210 -- 4 Yellow Snowmen - 3 Fewer Fruitcakes ohh! - 2 Stolen Stockings... I had nothing to do with this!
dr151211 -- ...AND A TIPPED-OVER CHRISTMAS TREE! * * * - Now I can reach that gingerbread ornament!
dr151212 -- Do ducks have ears? - Yes. Where are they? - On the sides of their heads, just like ours. Are you sure? - Pretty sure.
dr151213 -- Here's your dinner, Ralph! What is it? - Spinach lasagna! - Honeybunch, how long have we been married? 23 years! - How many times in the last 23 years have I mentioned I don't like spinach? - I don't know. - How many times i the last 23 years
dr151213 -- have I told you to take the bubble gum out of your pockets before putting your clothes in the laundry? Don't change the subject! What's all this stuff all over my shirt??
dr151214 -- I can't wait for the new "Star Wars" movie! Only four more days! It's great to campout with so many fellow nerds! All in costume! - Who are YOU supposed to be? Disney's CFO. Exciting this is! You're not going to talk like Yoda all week, are
dr151214 -- you?
dr151215 -- Hi, Norman! Echo! Thank goodness you're here! - I couldn't imagine waiting in this line alone for four days! Some of the "Star Wars" fans are weird! - They think everything is REAL! HEY, NO CUTS IN LINE!! - Oh, forgive me, princess! See what I
dr151215 -- mean?
dr151216 -- So, what do you think will happen in episode 7? I think Jar Jar Binks will emerge as the Evil Mastermind! I think it will be revealed that Yoda and Miss Piggy are brother and sister! - Why did episodes 4,5, and 6 come before 1, 2, and 3?
dr151216 -- Perfect sense to me it makes! I think Kylo Ren is really...I can't even SAY it!! Can't we all talk about something else besides STAR WARS??
dr151217 -- Camping out for this movie was a dumb idea, Echo! - I haven't slept in three days, and some of these other "Star Wars" fans are weird! - How am I ever going to make it until midnight?? - The force you must use! OH, SHUT UP!
dr151218 -- Norm! What are YOU doing home? I thought the movie started at midnight! - It does, but I had to leave. I couldn't wait in line another minute with all those "Star Wars" fans! - They're nuts! I was only able to put up with them for 3 days, 23
dr151218 -- hours and 48 minutes! - You missed the movie because you couldn't wait another 12 MINUTES?? I'll watch it on DVD!
dr151219 -- For Norman. - shake shake shake - - It's a peyton manning bobblehead. Don't spoil my surprise!
dr151220 -- KNOCK KNOCK! - - - - UPS! Oh, thank you! - Bye! - What? I miss the old days when our gifts were delivered by a jolly old fat guy!
dr151221 -- Spread your wings a little more... - That's better! - I guess there are worse things than being used as a tree-topper every year! - That's for sure!
dr151222 -- This is an exciting week, Ralph! The kids can't wait for Santa to come down the chimney! - Neither can Wally! Go ahead! Make my day!
dr151223 -- Every year, Santa somehow sneaks into our house without me noticing! - It's embarrassing! I'm a trained guard dog! I'll stay awake all night if I have to! - - I'll keep my nose open!
dr151224 -- There is no way Santa will sneak into this house tonight without me noticing! - - WATER BOTTLE!! - crunch crunch
dr151225 -- I did it! crunch crunch! - I delivered gifts to the Drabble family without Wally noticing! yawn! - ACHOO! - Darned cat allergy! rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf Merry Christmas!
dr151226 -- - Whoa! - It's no fair hanging mistletoe in front of the refrigerator! Help yourself to the leftover pizza!
dr151227 -- - - - - - - - - - BLAM! - He thought he could hide way up there!
dr151228 -- - THERE HE IS! THE TRASH MAN IS ON HIS WAY!! - Trash day after Christmas is almost as fun as Christmas eve!
dr151229 -- I always dread taking down the Christmas lights. - Climb up the ladder, climb down the ladder, move the ladder, climb up again... - This year I got smart and hung all the lights at ground level!
dr151230 -- Z - zzyzx - - I hate it when dad steals all the covers in his sleep! zzyzx
dr151231 -- 10...9...8... gobble gobble - 7...6...5...4... snarf snarf snarf - 3...2...1... munch munch crunch - HAPPY NEW YEAR! Let the dieting begin!
dr160101 -- So much for new year's resolution! - If human beings were meant to start diets on new year's day, there wouldn't be a rose bowl game!
dr160102 -- Look, Oogie! The door is open! - It's a big, beautiful world out there! - Most cats run away when given the chance! ...yawn... - Just sayin!... I think I'll go barf in the laundry room!
dr160103 -- I love college basketball! Me too, but our team sure has a lousy mascot! - A giant roly poly bug?? What's up with that?? - We used to have a viking mascot, but someone thought it was too violent. So now it's a roly poly! - Why! They're
dr160103 -- environmentally friendly. - But mascots are supposed to be tough and intimidating! Yeah, but... - I have to admit, it IS kind of fun to watch him roll up into a ball when he feels threatened!
dr160104 -- Z - gurgle! - What was THAT?? My tummy rumbled. - Maybe you should eat some grass! Maybe you should find some other stomach to sleep on!
dr160105 -- There's another one under the couch! chirp chirp chirp - We have crickets all over the house! chirp chirp chirp - What's going on around here?? chirp chirp chirp - It all started when your mom changed the sound of her text alerts! chirp chirp
dr160105 -- chirp
dr160106 -- Ralph, the garage is cluttered! - You need to get rid of some of this stuff! - You're turning into a HOARDER! You can't save everything, you know! - ...said the woman who has 11,000 e-mails saved on her computer!
dr160107 -- I've never really cared for this song. Mother, that's the beauty of listening to music on this web site! - All you have to do is click on the "thumbs down" icon, and they won't play it again! - But I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings!
dr160107 -- Trust me, they won't tell Perry Como!
dr160108 -- You're just perfect, Echo! - You're totally awesome! - You're everything a guy would ever want! - I sure hope *I* meet a girl like you some day!
dr160109 -- Penny, eat your squash! I don't want to! - What are you afraid of? Tasting squash! It does taste a little squashy!
dr160110 -- See you tonight, Wally! - Wait! You're all leaving me ALONE?? How will I know what not to do?? - Who will tell me not to chase the cat? Who will tell me not to jump on the furniture?? - Who'll tell me not to get into the garbage? Who'll tell
dr160110 -- me not to bark at everything?? Yawn! - Who'll tell me not to get noseprints on the window?? Who'll tell me not to track mud inside?? - Who'll tell me not to eat the cat food? Who'll tell me not to chew up things?? - Who'll tell me not
dr160110 -- to...oh, hi! We're back! Looks like he kept himself occupied!
dr160111 -- Look, you dumb cat! The front door is open! - The world is yours! No one will stop you! - Run! RALPH! -
dr160112 -- What was your grade point average in high school, dad? - 4.8! - Really? You betcha! - 1.2 each year!
dr160113 -- I've got a treat for you, Wally! - It helps clean your teeth! - SNARF! - I can't imagine that helped his teeth! You were supposed to chew it up! gulp!
dr160114 -- I'm home! - Norman, were you raised in a barn?? - When you take off your jacket, don't just throw it over a chair! - Hang it nicely on the exercise bike!
dr160115 -- Honeybunch, will you please make me some pudding? - No, but you can make it yourself! - - On second thought, I'll make it for you! My reputation precedes me!
dr160116 -- Wally, you're getting under my feet! - You're going to trip me! - What do I have to do to get you to walk in front of me? -
dr160117 -- I HATE COMPUTERS!! - Dad, relax! Computers should not be intimidating! - The trouble with your generation is that you're afraid to do anything when you encounter a problem! - You're scared you're going to touch the wrong button and wreck
dr160117 -- everything! - People my age know that's virtually impossible! - Look, all you have to do is this... - PFFFSSCHTT!! - OK, you may need to call tech support.
dr160118 -- Dad, why do you always stare into the fridge for such a long time? - I'm like a bird of prey, patiently studying the area with a keen eye until... - Suddenly I SWOOP DOWN and snatch exactly what I want! - Gotcha! That poor can of cake
dr160118 -- frosting didn't stand a chance!
dr160119 -- I could use a big bowl of ice cream! - I'd be happier if you'd make it a SMALL bowl! - How about this one? Smaller. - I'll make you ecstatic. I won't use any bowl!
dr160120 -- It fits well on the bookshelf. - The pages turn nice and don't bend weird. - Not as heavy as some books are. - How's that book review coming? Almost done.
dr160121 -- YES! I've finally been RETWEETED!! - I have achieved a goal in my life! - I have finally arrived! Who retweeted you? - "Lame Tweets."
dr160122 -- I love coming to this new donut shop! - Is it my imagination, or is this a tighter squeeze than usual? - Maybe even our CAR is gaining weight! 24 Hour Drive-Thru DONUTS
dr160123 -- WALLY zzyzx! - - skattle skattle skattle - Oops! Darn! A postcard falling on the carpet makes the same sound as a tortilla chip falling on the carpet!
dr160124 -- Hey, we're locked out! - Your mom must have gone somewhere with Penny and Patrick! - Do you have a key, Norm? No, but I know where we can find one! - I bought one of those fake rocks for hiding keys inside! Good thinking! - Here it is! Great!
dr160124 -- - But wait...please tell me you put a KEY inside it! - Don't worry. I'm not THAT stupid! - It doesn't work! - That's because I put the wrong key inside in case a burglar finds the fake rock! ...Sigh...
dr160125 -- Sweet! I found some Halloween candy corn between the sofa cushions! - THREE MONTH RULE!! Dogs are disgusting!
dr160126 -- Wally! You bad dog! - He ate some old Halloween candy he found between the sofa cushions! - The candy's only three months old. He's a dog. He'll be OK! - Yeah, but *I* wanted to eat it!
dr160127 -- I'd like the senior discount, please. Yes, sir! - Here's your change. - - Aren't you even going to question me?? No, you look pretty old!
dr160128 -- MOVE! - Not what I meant.
dr160129 -- KRINKLE KRINKLE - RUSTLE RUSTLE RUSTLE - CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH - The best time to sneak potato chips is when she's wearing her headphones!
dr160130 -- SCARF SCARF SCARF sniff sniff - SCARF SCARF SCARF Hey! That's MY food! - Read the bowls! Yours says WALLY and mine says OOGIE! - Sorry. I thought they said DINNER and DESSERT!
dr160131 -- - What are you doing? - I figured as long as I'm bending over, I might as well tee up another ball. Why? - If the first ball goes in the lake, then I won't have to bend over again! - But if your first ball lands on the farway, you'll have to
dr160131 -- bend over again to pick up the second ball! - Good point. Let's see what happens. - THWAK! - SPLOINK! YES! For that matter, maybe you should've teed up 5 or 6!
dr160201 -- Patrick, will you please hover the dog? - OK! Hover the dog?? - It's easier than getting him to WALK the dog!
dr160202 -- Every new year's, dad starts a diet. - And on groundhog day, he checks the results. I can't see the numbers. That means six more weeks of dieting!
dr160203 -- Hi, Wendy! - How do you like my hoverboard? - Pretty impressive, eh? - It would be more so without the training wheels!
dr160204 -- You're going too slow! I look forward to the day we have driverless cars! - Turn here! I look forward to the day we have backseat driverless cars!
dr160205 -- Mom, where's dad? Beats me. - I've not seen hide nor half him! - Never mind! I found him! - I see a lot of hide, but not much hair!
dr160206 -- Traditions are important, Norman... - Every December, I record "Miracle On 34th Street". - ...and every February, I delete it because I realize I'm never going to watch it, and I need the space to record the Super Bowl!
dr160207 -- Wally's SUPER BOWL Terminology - Holding Let go of my tie, you dumb dog! - Interception HEY! - Clipping Hold still while I trim your nails! - Substitution Infraction Sorry. We ran out of your regular dog food. - False Start - Encroachment -
dr160207 -- Backfield in Motion - Intentional Grounding Get off the furniture!! SUPER BOWL
dr160208 -- We need to repaint our living room, Ralph! - Why? The color is dated! - It's old and ugly! - What do you have against old and ugly? Obviously nothing because I married you!
dr160209 -- Ralph, we need to pick a new paint color for the walls! How about white? - Don't be silly! We have hundreds of choices! Look! - Bavarian cream, sugar cookie, pumpkin pie, graham cracker... - By the way, what's for dinner? WHY MUST YOU ALWAYS
dr160209 -- THINK OF FOOD??
dr160210 -- It's so hard to decide on a paint color! - I bought some samples and put them on the wall! What do you think? - I think it's a brilliant idea! - Keep painting and see if you can cover the room!
dr160211 -- After looking at hundreds of paint chips... - And buying 31 different paint samples... - I have finally decided on a color for our living room. - Beige! Now now...let's not get TOO adventurous!
dr160212 -- - I've changed my mind. Let's go with the "pigeon gray."
dr160213 -- Isn't it amazing, Ralph? By just repainting, we changed the whole look of our living room quickly and cheaply! - Of course, now that the color is different, we'll have to buy a new couch, new drapes, new carpet, new artwork...
dr160214 -- Yes! May favorite ice cream! - Uho-oh, I still need to buy a valentine's card! - So many to choose from. - Nope. Not romantic enough! - - Nope. Too mushy! - - Oh, just pick one! - A "Get well soon" card?? Sorry. My ice cream was melting.
dr160215 -- ? - Hypnosis - MOO! - PATRICK!!
dr160216 -- Patrick, did you hypnotize Norman into thinking he's a cow? Yes. MOO! - Why? It was my science project. - He's eating grass! That's actually good because our lawn mower is broken. - OK, but promise to snap him out of it in a couple of hours!
dr160216 -- Will do!
dr160217 -- When I snap my fingers, you will wake up and think you're a wiener dog! - SNAP! Now THAT'S pretty impressive! I've never been so insulted!
dr160218 -- You should run for class president, Norm! - Me?? Why would you suggest that? What leadership qualities do *I* have?? Where do I begin? - You're honest, you're nice, you're...you're... - I could go on and on! I was at least hoping you'd get up
dr160218 -- to three!
dr160219 -- What's going on? Stu thinks I should run for class president! - I think that's a GREAT idea! It would help your self-image! - If you win, you won't think of yourself as an inept loser anymore! - I never really thought of myself like that. Oh,
dr160219 -- great. Another delusional politician!
dr160220 -- Norm, I think running for class president is a GREAT idea! - It would be a great experience! I don't know how to be president of anything! - Besides, they're having a DEBATE last week! I'm terrified of public speaking! I don't have the
dr160220 -- COURAGE! - I might be able to help with that!
dr160221 -- crunch crunch! - WHIRRRRR - skattle skattle skattle skattle - crunch crunch crunch! - WHIRRRRRR - skattle skattle skattle - crunch crunch crunch! - WHIRRRRR DO YOU MIND?!
dr160222 -- Dad, I've decided to run for class president! Really?? - I thought you were terrified of public speaking! Won't you have to debate on TV? Yes. - But after talking to Patrick, I feel very confident! - Can you make me a better golfer? I'm a
dr160222 -- hypnotist, not a miracle worker!
dr160223 -- You hypnotized Norman into thinking he can win the debate for class president?? - When I snap my fingers, he'll suddenly believe he's Abraham Lincoln! He'll speak with power and conviction! snap! - Can you really do that? Of course I can do
dr160223 -- that!! - I hypnotized him into thinking he was a COW. Remember? Yeah, but that wasn't such a stretch!
dr160224 -- Look! Norman is on TV with the other candidates! I'm so nervous! - Don't be nervous! Patrick is in the audience! - He hypnotized Norman! When he snaps his fingers, Norm will suddenly believe he's Abraham Lincoln! - AND THAT'S SUPPOSED TO MAKE
dr160224 -- ME FEEL LESS NERVOUS?? What could possibly go wrong?
dr160225 -- The next question is for Norman Drabble. Why should we vote for you, Mr. Drabble? - SNAP! - Mr. Drabble? Have you anything to say? - MOOO! OK, let's see what else is on!
dr160226 -- MOO! snap! snap! snap! Uh-oh! I never un-hypnotized Norman from thinking he's a cow!! - Mr, Drabble, did you just moo like a cow?? - MMOOO! - Are you trying to make a mockery of this debate? I'll bet his poll numbers go through the roof!
dr160227 -- MOO! Oh, NOW I remember! When I snap my fingers, Norman thinks he's a cow! - When I CLAP, he'll think he's Abraham Lincoln! - CLAP CLAP! - Me Trazan! AAHHHH EEEE AAHHHH! Wrong again!
dr160228 -- Excuse me! - What? I just said excuse me. - I can't hear you! I'm listening to music! - It's OK! What?? - For heaven's sake! I'll put down the laundry and take out my earphones! - OK, now tell me what you said that was so important! Uhh... -
dr160228 -- I thought today was your day off! It is.
dr160229 -- Good morning! Happy leap year day! Yawn. - We get an extra day every four years! Let's make the most of it! - Celebrate! Spread good cheer! Accomplish something! - You mean, this isn't the day we were supposed to set our clocks ahead? Hey,
dr160229 -- why is it still dark?
dr160301 -- My march1st tradition... - - KLUNK! - Throwing away the poinsettia!
dr160302 -- Let's watch this show! It's rated "G". - I'm glad shows have advisory warnings so we can decide if the kids should watch! - Now if only the COMMERCIALS came with advisory warnings! Hey, guys...
dr160303 -- Next! - Hi, would you like to try our new half-pound, all-natural chili burger? - This is a BANK! - Oh, yeah! I was thinking about my other job! I haven't been getting much sleep! Maybe I'll use the ATM!
dr160304 -- Boy, some of these movie previews look pretty bad. - Especially this one! It's pretty crass! Yeah. - Let's not go see this one. OK. - In fact, it looks so bad, let's not go see it TWICE! Even better.
dr160305 -- When I was a kid, I loved the month of march! - Every kid in town would go to the park and fly kites! It was a thing of beauty! - I hate the 21st century!
dr160306 -- Ralph, I've been thinking about something: I'm very lucky! - You're a good husband and a good dad! - You're honest, trustworthy, and you work hard! - I just thought I should tell you more often! - Is there anything you'd like to tell ME! -
dr160306 -- Tell her you're lucky too! No, tell her to never make that yucky casserole again, because you thought you were gonna die! - I quit! Hey, even *I* don't know why he always listens to me!
dr160307 -- Knock knock! Boo! Who's there? - Boo who? Don't cry! It's just a joke! - WWAAAHHAHA! - Ow! *** Laughter is the best medicine, unless you have a headache!
dr160308 -- Mommy, look! - - Look at what, Penny? - I was chewing with my mouth closed!
dr160309 -- We're home! Wally, why are you so excited? We were only gone 4 hours! - 4 hours for us is like 28 hours for a dog! That's right! - Fortunately, I slept through most of it!
dr160310 -- ...and that's how you silence your phine, dad! - OK! Thank you, son! - I never knew how to do that! - I can't believe I used to let him help with my homework! How do you change the wake-up alarm?
dr160311 -- sniffffffff! - Ahhhhh! My turn! - I love scented candles! - Especially when mom's cooking asparagus! You could open a window!
dr160312 -- - - - The drought is over! Why didn't I think of this months ago?
dr160313 -- - - - - - - You ate all the popcorn?? The movie hasn't even STARTED yet! - These previews are getting longer and longer!
dr160314 -- - Another water bottle bites the dust! crunch crunch! - Uh-oh... - His big brother is here! Root Beer
dr160315 -- So! A big two-liter has come to rescue you, eh? I'm not afraid of you! - 
dr160316 -- Yes! A seasoned curly french fry! - Everyone loves to find a seasoned curly french fry inside their bag of regular fries! - No one, however, is happy to find a regular fry inside of their bag of curly fries. - I know how that regular fry
dr160316 -- feels! Only you can turn a happy meal into something depressing!
dr160317 -- Happy St. Patrick's Day, Wally! - I hope you like Irish food! I do! - What is it? Irish stew? Corned beef and cabbage? - Lucky charms.
dr160318 -- Hello, this is News Radio Traffic! This is "Tripster Ralph" calling. - We've had "Carmageddon," we've had "Jamzilla"... - I thought of a cool name for the next big traffic jam-"THE GRIDLOCK-NESS MONSTER!" Whaddaya think? - Fine. I'll call the
dr160318 -- traffic reporter on channel 7!
dr160319 -- - - - Weeds really start growing fast this time of year!
dr160320 -- My laptop has only 3% charge left! - tappity tap tap tap! - Now it says there is only 2% left! - tap tap tappity tap tap! - 1% LEFT!! - WHERE'S MY CHARGER? WHERE'S MY CHARGER? - There it is!! - NO!! This is the PHONE charger!! - Why do these
dr160320 -- things happen to me?? Because you put the "pro" in "procrastinator".
dr160321 -- SHOES Do you have these shoes in a size 17? Yes... - But your feet aren't that big! - Why would you want such big shoes? - For this much money, I want to at least be able to SEE a little bit of 'em!
dr160322 -- We've lived in our house for so long... - Most of the neighbors have come and gone! We should do a better job of getting to know our current neighbors! - I know all of them! You do? - Sure! There's the guy who never makes eye contact, the lady
dr160322 -- with the big dog, the guy who drives too fast...
dr160323 -- * - click! - What was wrong with that song? If you liked the last song, you should've liked THIS song! - Sheesh! I don't think you know WHAT you want! I hate it when my streaming music station talks back to me!
dr160324 -- I can't remember what the Dumbo Ride is like at Disneyland! - Should I say a prayer that I'll remember it? Sure, Penny! Why not? - Amen. * - Well? I think I better google it instead!
dr160325 -- - Not now, Wally! Can't you see I'm trying to fix the sink?? - Oh, OK. Just give me a second. No one can resist a dog with a sock!
dr160326 -- Thanks for Shopping At Bulk Club It's interesting how they put a vending machine right next to the exit in "Bulk Club". - It's like a last-ditch effort to get more money out of you! Mom! Can I get some bubble gum? We just bought an industrial
dr160326 -- size TUB of bubble gum!
dr160327 -- Happy easter, Wally! Have a jelly bean! - sniff sniff sniff - What? You don't like lemon jelly beans? - OK, have a cherry-flavored jelly bean! - sniff sniff sniff - No? How about licorice? - Bleah! - Boy, you're hard to please! What flavor do
dr160327 -- you want? Do they make garbage-flavored jelly beans?
dr160328 -- - I don't get it... - Who needs social media when you have a dog? - Your dog will never unfriend you!
dr160329 -- They say the people resemble their dogs. - Wally is skinny and I'm chubby. - What do we have in common? - You're both shedding!
dr160330 -- Hi, Roly Poly! - Don't look so glum! There's always next year! - NO! PLEASE DON'T ROLL UP INTO A BALL AGAIN!! - Nothing is as sad as a college mascot after a season-ending loss!
dr160331 -- bing! Stupid cellphone! - It never fails... - As soon as I start driving... - Everyone has so me things to say on the family group text! bing! bing! bing! bing! bing! bing! bing!
dr160401 -- I'm off to the polling place! - I'm ready to cast my vote for one of the candidates! - This isn't election day, dad. It's April's fools' day! Oh, yeah, huh! - I always get those two days mixed up!
dr160402 -- What are you doing, honeybunch? Just making myself a little snack! - Brown rice, green beans, with mushroom soup poured over it! - Would you like some? Hee hee! - No, but thanks for making me laugh!
dr160403 -- I supposed artists were supposed to paint bowls of FRUIT! It's 2016!
dr160404 -- I feel sorry for Roly Poly since basketball season ended! - Nothing is sadder than a mascot without a team to cheer for! - He doesn't know what to do with himself!
dr160405 -- YES WE CAN - GO! I'm sorry. You'll have to leave! - Why is the college mascot in the testing center, anyway? He's always a bit lost after basketball season!
dr160406 -- ...and for those reasons, I am in favor of the proposition! - Furthermore, I... clap! clap! clap! - The debate team does not need a mascot!! clap clap clap! WELL SAID! clap! clap clap!
dr160407 -- Good news! - It looks like the school mascot finally found a way to keep busy in the off-season... - Intramural ping pong!
dr160408 -- It's interesting how they describe their ice cream sundaes. - "Smothered in whipped cream"..."wallowing in gooey marshmallow"... - "Drowning in chocolate syrup"... - Who wrote this, Stephen King?
dr160409 -- What's for dessert, honeybunch? Nothing. - Nothing?? How come?? - You're on a diet, remember? - But I feel like jello! That's why you're on a diet!
dr160410 -- Men - scrub scrub! - Motion Activated Dryer - - - - - - One way or another, it worked!
dr160411 -- - - - I have not yet mastered the art of taking a selfie!
dr160412 -- I finished the jigsaw puzzle, mom! Good for you, Patrick... - I think! - How come there's no picture? I find it more challenging to assemble from the back!
dr160413 -- Why do you like to spin around in circles? - It's a waste of energy, and you never GET anywhere! - Dogs are strange!
dr160414 -- Oops! Guess I filled my cereal bowl too high! - Thank goodness for Wally! - sniff sniff sniff - Since when are you a picky eater??
dr160415 -- Hi, Stu! What brings YOU over? Norman, I'd like you to meet my new girlfriend, Bea! - I think she's a keeper! Why couldn't I have been in "Crankshaft"?
dr160416 -- ..Sigh.. - PUNCH PUNCH - WAP! - I think my memory pillow has amnesia!
dr160417 -- Norman! Why are you so late? - When I got into the car to drive home from the library, a ladybug flew inside. - I rolled down the window but it wouldn't fly out! - When I got home, I realized that if the ladybug flew out here, it wouldn't
dr160417 -- know where it was! - It wouldn't know how to get home! That poor ladybug would be all alone without family or friends! - So I drove back to the library to let it out there! - You're all heart, Norm. - No brains, but all heart! Sadly, when I
dr160417 -- rolled down the window again, the ladybug fell down inside the car floor.
dr160418 -- Find a place for this. There's no more room on the attic! - I used to dream that I would one day live in a big, spacious home. - I come closer to this dream with each passing day. - Unfortunately, it's a nursing home!
dr160419 -- ...Sigh... I hate it when people clutter our front porch with fliers... - And it's probably not the best way to advertise your housekeeping service!
dr160420 -- rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf! - Wally, relax! There's noone at the door! - See! Now don't you feel a little silly? - Not as silly as the badger who obviously ran away!
dr160421 -- WALLY, STOP THAT!! - GET OFF THE SOFA!! - WALLY, NO!! - People are so nice! Even though dogs have excellent hearing, they always speak up!
dr160422 -- Dang! - It's weird! When I think about what I'm doing, I always miss! - But when I DON'T think, I usually make it! - I can do anything I don't put my mind to!
dr160423 -- - - GET OFF THE CLEAN LAUNDRY!! - Actions speak louder than words, unless the words are "get off the clean laundry!"
dr160424 -- We're home! - I think we figured out why Wally is always so happy to see us... - It's because one year to us is like seven years to a dog! - That means if we're gone for an hour...to Wally, it's like we're gone for... - - - Seven hours! Thank
dr160424 -- goodness for calculators!
dr160425 -- Uh-oh... - ** - Whew! Brain freeze! - You're eating soup! My brain freezes up easily!
dr160426 -- Here's a useful article... - "Ten things to say to leave a boring conversation". - That reminds me of a time in the third grade when I..., - Well, I've enjoyed talking to you, and I'll be sure to look you up on LinkedIn!
dr160427 -- Ralph, I'm worried about Norman. He spends so much time staring at the phone! Don't worry, honeybunch! It's very normal for young people to look at their phones a lot! I'm sure it's only... - Never mind!
dr160428 -- Dad, I'm in a quandry... - Have a bowl of ice cream. Whenever I'm down, a big bowl of ice cream always helps! - I'm not down, I'm just in a quandry! Oh, OK... - In that case, I'd recommend a box of girl scout cookies!
dr160429 -- - SCHLURGLE SCHLURGLE - I finished it already?? Dang! - Never daydream when you're drinking a milkshake!
dr160430 -- Great job on the jigsaw puzzle, honeybunch! - I can't believe you did it all by yourself! So many pieces! Such detail! So amazing! - - But you finished it a month ago and it would be nice to use the dinner table again, so how about if... Not
dr160430 -- yet!
dr160501 -- GOOD GRAVY! What's wrong? - Nothing, Echo. - AY, CARAMBA! What now?? - Nothing. - HEAVENS TO MURGATROYD! Norman, what on earth is wrong? - Sometimes I have flashbacks of dumb things I've done and I get embarrassed all over again! I thought *I*
dr160501 -- was the only one with that problem! - I call them "Drabblations". I call them "Echos". - JUMPIN' JEHOSAPHAT! SUFFERIN' SUCCOTASH! They really ARE made for each other!
dr160502 -- Oops! I spilled some orange juice! - The paper towels are way over there, and then I'd have to bend all the way down and wipe it up. - Or I could just step on it and soak it up with my sock. - Or my faithful dog could just lick it up! Sorry.
dr160502 -- I only like freshly squeezed!
dr160503 -- It's a lot of work to get a paper towel, so maybe I'll just soak up this spilled orange juice with my sock. - What a great idea! Am I a genius or what! - Of course, now my sock is wet and I'm going to track it around, and I'll have even more
dr160503 -- to clean up! - Apparently, I'm the "or what".
dr160504 -- I thought I was clever using my sock to soak up a spill on the floor. - But now I realize I'm going to track it all over, and I'll have even more to clean up! - Hey, I know: I'll hop on one foot over to my shoes and slip 'em on! - hop!
dr160504 -- SPLASH! hop SPLASH!
dr160505 -- Oh, no... - AAAAAAAHHH!! - Dad, are you all right?? - Yeah, it was just momentary panic when you think you've lost your smartphone!
dr160506 -- I always like being with you, Norman! REALLY? - Why on earth would you like being with ME, echo? - I'm not cool, I'm not handsome, I'm not rich... That's OK! - I like you just the way you aren't!
dr160507 -- Echo seems to like me! - Maybe I should put my arm around her! - I've never put my arm around anyone before. I'm not sure the best way to do it gracefully. - That wasn't it.
dr160508 -- Oh, boy! It's almost time for the kids to come home from school! - Our little house comes back to life after being so quiet all day! - I get so excited about seeing their sweet faces come through that door! - 3:15 in the afternoon is my
dr160508 -- favorite time of day! - YOU are! No, YOU are! - SLAM! NOBODY TOUCH MY XBOX!! - 7:20 in the morning, when they leave again, is a close second! OW! STOP IT! THAT'S MINE!!
dr160509 -- Ralph, look at what I bought at a garage sale... - A piano?? I've always wanted one! It's in very good condition! - I only see one problem with it... - We're gonna need a bigger house! I kind of like it in the kitchen!
dr160510 -- Hello, is this the Dollar Store? - How much are your pocket protectors? - Do they ever go on sale? 'k, bye. - Dang! Try the $0.99 store!
dr160511 -- Stu, I'm torn between two girls... - Echo is nice to me. Wendy is not. Echo makes me feel good about myself. Wendy does not. - What is it about Wendy you like? She has a beautiful smile. - Really? I saw it once when she ran over my foot.
dr160512 -- Wendy, what is it about me that annoys you? Where do I start? - Your nerdiness, your goofy grin, the fact that you wear a t-shirt under your t-shirt... - Echo, what is it about me that you like me so much? Where do I start? - Your nerdiness,
dr160512 -- your goofy grin, the fact that you wear a t-shirt under your t-shirt... Doesn't everyone?
dr160513 -- Norm, there's no doubt about it! You need to break off with Wendy! - Echo is the girl for you! - Go tell Wendy face-to-face that you're finished! Take charge! Be bold! You're right, Stu! I'm going to do it! - Maybe I'll just text her instead!
dr160513 -- Good old nerdy Norm!
dr160514 -- Stu, before I send this 'break-up' text to Wendy, tell me if it's OK. - We're finished. I found somebody better. Good by forever. Perfect! send it! - There! I sent it! My troubles are over! - ding *
dr160515 -- It's a beautiful spring day! - Ralph, let's go take a long walk together! Great idea, honeybunch! - Taking long walks with you is one of my favorite things to do! - She walks faster than I do, so I get a little peace and quiet!
dr160516 -- You were right, Stu! Echo is the girl for me! - I feel so much better since I sent that "farewell" text to Wendy! - I'd love to see the expression on Wendy's face right about now! -
dr160517 -- Modern technology is wonderful! I ended my relationship with Wendy by sending a TEXT! - It felt so good to text all things I've always been wimpy to say! - Now I can devote all my attention to the true love of my life, Echo! - Wouldn't it be
dr160517 -- funny if you sent it to the wrong girl? Ha! Even I'M not THAT stupid!!
dr160518 -- I have officially chosen Echo over Wendy! - I sent Wendy a "farewell" text! I listed all of her rude qualities! - I fact, I'm on a roll! I think I'll text a few more! - ding!
dr160519 -- Hi, Norman. Wendy! You're speaking to me?? - Why wouldn't I? I figured you'd be steamed about those "break-up" texts I sent you! - Why would you send me a breakup text? - It's not like we were ever together! NOW you tell me!!
dr160520 -- Are you sure you didn't read my break-up text, Wendy? What did I say? - I said that you can be difficult at times and your heart isn't always filled with charity. - And that if you were a "Jeopardy" question, you'd only be worth $200, and
dr160520 -- that you wouldn't last very long on "The Bachelor". - And that you make Kylo Ren seem like a sweetheart. I'm pretty sure I would've remembered that.
dr160521 -- I can't believe you didn't see my breakup texts, Wendy! - I tried to find the perfect words to describe how mean you are, and why I never want to see you again! - Oh, I see what happened. I sent them to Echo. - I SENT THEM TO ECHO??!! Oddly
dr160521 -- enough, I'm starting to like you better!
dr160522 -- OK, OK...I'll let you back in! - Hey! What's wrong with you? - You act like you want to come in, then you run away! - Fine! I'll close the door again! - Oh, for heaven's sake! - HEY! - Fine' I'll close the door again! - He'll learn some day!
dr160522 -- Fine! I'll let you back in! HEY!! I hope ONE of them learns!
dr160523 -- I meant to send a breakup text to Wendy, but I sent it to Echo by mistake! Now my calls to Echo aren't going through! - I think I've been blocked! What should I do, daddy? Who knows? I can't help with these modern-day problems! - When I was a
dr160523 -- kid, we had three R's: reading, 'riting, and 'rithmetic. - Now it's the three T's: texting, tweeting, and trolling!
dr160524 -- I sent Echo a breakup text that I meant to send to Wendy! - I can't apologize because Echo has blocked my calls and texts! I don't know what to do! I've GOT IT!! - Go to wherever she works and bring her flowers in front of everyone! Great
dr160524 -- idea! - She works at Rosie Rat's Pizza! She's the one in the rat costume! Maybe I DON'T got it!
dr160525 -- Rosie Rat's PIZZA & Games Excuse me, where is Rosie Rat? - Over there, with all the kids! - Yes, that's definitely Echo in the costume! I recognize her perfume! - Which, come to think of it, smells a lot like pepperoni!
dr160526 -- Excuse me, kids... - Echo, I beg your forgiveness! Those mean tests were intended for someone else! - You're the one for me! Please accept these flowers! I've never seen anyone give flowers to a rat! You don't watch "The Bachelor"?
dr160527 -- Thank you for accepting my flowers, Echo! - Oh, what the heck! I can't let this moment slip away... - Let's kiss! - Sorry. Echo's on a break! WAAH!
dr160528 -- Norman! Echo! I came to apologize! - Those mean texts weren't intended for you! Please don't block me from texting you! - I didn't block you! After I read your texts, my phone broke because I accidentally dropped it... - Really hard...against
dr160528 -- a wall! Good! I was afraid you were mad!
dr160529 -- "WELCOME"??? It's an accent rug! That's it. I'm migrating to another comic strip!
dr160530 -- - - Why do you always star at me? Some people are observers of life... - I'm an observer of wife! I hate it when he has a day off!
dr160531 -- - Ralph, please stop staring at me while I do housework! - I can't help it, honeybunch! You're my eye candy! - Sugarless, but still...
dr160601 -- - Excuse me, Wally! - Your job is to always be right in my way, isn't it? - I thought you said that was MY job!
dr160602 -- Wann go hit golf balls, Ralph? Sure! - Sorry to leave you on my day off, nut No-Neck invited me to hit balls! - Bye! - You really don't need to pay me, June! A deal's a deal! Here's an extra $20. Take him to lunch, too!
dr160603 -- I bought some ice cream and put it into the freezer. - But don't touch it! - We're saving it for Sunday. - Trying not to touch the ice cream is like trying not to look at a text message! * bing!
dr160604 -- Excellent! - The scale says I weigh 165 pounds! - I always go with the lesser of the two!
dr160605 -- WIFF! - Try again, Penny! - WIFF! Almost! - SNARL! - Why on earth mould you buy a Pinata that looks like a badger? I thought it was a raccoon! Thanks, Wally! Just trying to save lives!
dr160606 -- - - - The thought police never bother me.
dr160607 -- Oh, boy! Summer is here! I'll go put on my trunks! - It's fun to see dad's face light up! I think that was just the glare from his scalp!
dr160608 -- I just noticed something...I'm the only one in this family that gets put on a leash! - I hope the others don't feel less important!
dr160609 -- Darn! - They returned my letter! - Insufficient postage. Told you! - Why do they call it a "Forever Stamp" if you can't peel it off and use it again??
dr160610 -- Dad, my goal is to have people think of me as a "go to" guy! - I've ALWAYS thought of you as a "Go To" guy, Norm! Really? - Yeah, so go to the store and get me some ice cream! - That's not the kind of "go to" I meant! And then go to bed!
dr160611 -- Forget it, Wally! It's not time to wake up! This is my day off! - I don't care what you do or how obnoxious you try to be... - Nothing will get me out of this bed! - Wanna' bet? pant pant pant No!! Not the dog breath!
dr160612 -- WALLY KNOCK KNOCK - Sigh... ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF! - ROWF ROWF rowf ROWF rowf ROWF rowf ROWF ROWF ROWF rowf rowf! Hello! - rowf rowf ROWF ROWF ROWF rowf ROWF ROWF rowf rowf rowf rowf ROWF ROWF ROWF rowf rowf rowf ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF
dr160612 -- rowf rowf rowf ROWF! Can I interest you in a home alarm system? - ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF! WHAT? Never mind.
dr160613 -- At this new yogurt shop, you make it yourself. - The price is determined by weight! - Here, hold my yogurt! This could get pricey!
dr160614 -- Serve Yourself - According to the scale, that'll be $7.50! - Why do you have a tip jar? I made the yogurt myself! Why should I tip you? - What would your wife say if someone told her you spent $7.50 on a yogurt? Here, keep the change.
dr160615 -- Do you want me to drive, dad? - Why would I want you to drive? - Because I'm younger and my reflexes are quicker! - Hey, what hurts? You hand is stuck in the power window.
dr160616 -- QUACK QUACK This phone is so annoying! - That's weird. No message! - I think my phone is defective! - People with pet ducks should probably choose a different text alert!
dr160617 -- Honeybunch, I realize Norman drew this picture when he was little... - So it obviously has sentimental value... - But how long do we need to leave it on the refrigerator? Actually he drew it last Tuesday! It took me all night!
dr160618 -- For heaven's sake! What are you whimpering about? I fed you, I took you for a walk...why are you following me around? - Sorry. I'll put you outside if I have to!
dr160619 -- Z - Z*Z - - WOW! THIS IS THE BEST FATHER'S DAY EVER! - DONUTS What'll it be, Ralph? I'll start with a maple bar! He asked for breakfast in bed!
dr160620 -- Dad, I need to go to the mall. Can I take your car? - The mall is only two blocks away. I suggest you walk. - If you walk, you'll burn calories and feel good! - And he won't reprogram all of my radio buttons!
dr160621 -- Now, what did honeybunch ask me to get at the store? - I used to write it all down, but I have lousy penmanship and I could never read my writing! - So my kids taught me how to text notes to myself! Let's see what I wrote... - Nxbecf loom3ip
dr160621 -- mowk I have lousy textmanship, too!
dr160622 -- Don't worry about getting older, dad... - You know what they say... - "50 is the new 30!" - Who says that? I'm guessing people turning 50.
dr160623 -- Now, which one of these operates the CD player? Is it this one or that one or... - TV remotes are like coat hangers. They multiply!
dr160624 -- Why doesn't our TV remote work?? - WHAP WHAP WHAP! - Now it works! I just heard that the inventor of the TV remote died. - I hope they whapped him a few times to make sure!
dr160625 -- Ralph, please remind me to send a birthday card to my aunt. No way! - Then if you forget, it will be MY fault! - Please? Oh, OK. - Remind me to remind your mother to... No way!
dr160626 -- Riders Must Be 42" My belt is now big enough to ride the Matterhorn!
dr160627 -- Norman has decided to become atriathlete! Really?? - He's training outside! - Wow! A triathlete! - squeaky squeaky squeak!
dr160628 -- OK, Norm! I'm in the pool! Coming! - Why do you fill it up after he gets in? If I fill it BEFORE he gets in, we lose a lot of water to overspill!
dr160629 -- Good heavens! I almost forgot to pick up Penny from dance lessons! - Honestly, sometimes I feel like a plate-spinner around here! - Wait a minute, that's not true at all! - Plate-spinners get paid!
dr160630 -- Honestly, Ralph, sometimes I feel like a plate-spinner! - I know what you mean, honeybunch... - Sometimes I feel like aoinata! - Our household is like "party-central"!
dr160701 -- chirp chirp chirp - Hello? I think you're due for an upgrade!
dr160702 -- Spell-check turns all of my texts into gibberish! - "Okie-dokie" got changed to "Okie-dole"! - "Yippie yi yo ki yay" got changed to "Yippee ago kayak". - "Yabba dabba doo" got changed to "Yah baby sabbath doo". Who are you texting? The
dr160702 -- Muppets?
dr160703 -- Hand me the clickers, Norm! - Why do you call them "clickers", Dad? - Because, in the old days, they used to click! That's annoying! - I remember when we didn't even HAVE clickers! What did you DO?? - I had to get up off the couch, walk all
dr160703 -- the way over to the TV and change channels by HAND! That's TERRIBLE! - Not only that, but we only had 7 CHANNELS to choose from! - I had no idea your childhood was so difficult! AND MOST OF THE SHOWS WERE IN BLACK AND WHITE!! You may not have
dr160703 -- been "The Greatest Generation", but you deserve honorable mention!
dr160704 -- - DONUT CHAMP 1987 - You actually did it!! - You donated my favorite old shirt! What were the odds??
dr160705 -- type type text text "HARDWOOD"?? - There's no substitute for hard work, unless you use auto-correct!
dr160706 -- Today I start my summer job at Dairy King! - I make people happy and I get to wear a uniform! - I'm a respected member of the work force! - What do you think of me now, all you girls from high school who I was afraid to ask out on a date, but
dr160706 -- who would've said no if I had?
dr160707 -- Your order is ready, Stu! - One extra-thick chocolate "blitzer"! - And to prove how thick it is, we always turn it upside down! - Looks like this one needs a little more time in the mixer!
dr160708 -- Here's your hand-dipped cone! - That'll be $3,50! - I'll get your change... - Pardon the chocolate.  That's my cone-dipping hand!
dr160709 -- SIGH... - I can't believe we have to go to another wedding reception! - There's always something hanging over my head! - There's always something hanging under your head, too. Leave my turkey-neck out of this!!
dr160710 -- ZZYZX - Z*Z - Whoa! What a nightmare!! - I dreamed I was lost in the desert! Hot winds were blowing in my face, and something smelled terrible! - It must have been something I ate! - Or something the dog ate! pant pant pant
dr160711 -- Almost done, honeybunch! - Most people remove their socks when they take a shower. My feet are a long way down!
dr160712 -- I'm just putting on some lipstick... - OK, I'm ready to go! - Wow, honeybunch! You actually look nice! - When paying your wife a compliment, one word too many can spoil everything!
dr160713 -- skattle skattle skattle - Your dog takes himself for a walk? skattle skattle Only when I'm texting.
dr160714 -- Dang! We're out of sunscreen! - My nose will get fried without sunscreen! - -
dr160715 -- SPLASH! - snarf! snarf" snarf! - It's impossible to splash Wally! Got 'em all!
dr160716 -- Ralph! Why are you still in the shower?? I'm practicing my impressions. - Impressions? What impressions?? - It's finger-lickin' good! - FLUSH! AAAAHHH! HOT! HOT! Sorry, but you had that coming!
dr160717 -- WALLY Good morning, world! - Z - - Z - - Z - Z - - My day always goes out better when I plan it out first!
dr160718 -- * Tiny bubbles up my nose.. ** - * Every time I drink from the hose ** - How was that? I'll be diplomatic. - You put the "uke" in puke! I'm glad mom doesn't work for the state department!
dr160719 -- !!! !! !!! - !!!! !!! !! punch! - !!! !!! !!! - The radio isn't on! Stop trying to change the stations! Sorry! punch!
dr160720 -- RING! Answer the phone, Ralph! No way! - The only people who call our home phone are solicitors and your mother! Please answer it! - Hello? - Thank goodness! It's a solicitor!
dr160721 -- FROZEN YOGURT Would you like me to punch your loyalty card? - Oh, yeah, I almost forgot... - I come here a lot! punch!
dr160722 -- The hot dogs are done! - Whoops! - SNARF! - "Three-quarters of a second" rule!
dr160723 -- - - SHRED! - Cats and slip'n'slides don't mix!
dr160724 -- boot! - - - bounce! - KICK! - - SWISH! Whoops! Do it again! I had it on "Photo" instead of "Video"!
dr160725 -- Here you go, Ralph! A new pair of pants! - And here's a discount coupon for the donut shop next door! - I think this is known as "synergy". DONUTS HUSKY'S BIG & TALL MENSWEAR
dr160626 -- WALLY Hello! Do you need me? - Anything I can do around here? - Fetch a ball or help you eat chips? - I'M HERE IF YOU NEED ME!
dr160727 -- Wally! Did you get into the trash again?! - The cat did it! - And don't tell me the cat did it, because that would be ridiculous! - The polar bear did it!
dr160728 -- growl! rrip! snarl! Wally! You dumb dog! You're ruining your own bed! - You tore all the stuff out of it! - Now it's going to be flat and uncomfortable! Why would you do that?? - Wiener dogs are not known for thinking things through!
dr160729 -- - - - EXCUSE ME! It's OK. You're good.
dr160730 -- Ballparks have a wide variety of unusual food! - Bacon tacos, cotton candy corndogs..., - I prefer to stick with the more traditional things... - Like Pepperoni and M&M's Pizza!
dr160731 -- Don't bug me, Wally! I have to fix the sink! Let's do it! - How can I help? Wiener dogs are very helpful, you know! - I have an idea... - How about a ball? Do you need a ball? - No? - How about a water bottle? This might be useful! - - How
dr160731 -- about a sock? Do you want a sock? WILL YOU LEAVE ME ALONE?!! - I'll be over here if you need me! WALLY
dr160801 -- I love getting gas at the new truck stop! - They've got EVERYTHING! - I'm going to fill up! - He can say that again!
dr160802 -- I love this new truck stop! Everyone here is so nice! - Hello, Mr. Drabble! - They know your name?? They make an effort to know their customers personally! - Especially the ones who come in five times a day!
dr160803 -- I love this truck stop! They have every kind of food you can imagine! - Burritos, pizza, ice cream, hot dogs, donuts, nachos... - Look! They have shirts for people who live Ducky's! Want one? - Hmm...they all seem to be XLs! Go figure!
dr160804 -- You're going to love that burrito, honeybunch! Ducky's is known for great food! - Are you sure you don't also want a shirt or a cap or... - Hey, look! They even have aprons! - And somebody's got a birthday coming up! I might have a burrito
dr160804 -- coming up!
dr160805 -- Have I mentioned how much I love this truck stop? - It's spotless and the food is delicious! - It's almost like being at home... - Except for the spotless and delicious part! I'll come visit you occasionally.
dr160806 -- Where's the back scratcher? - Here it is. Thanks. - skrich skrich skrich The epitome of laziness.
dr160807 -- I could've sworn I had a box of leftover donuts around here! - I wanted them for a midnight snack! My kids probably hid them, but where? - I know all the hiding places! - Could they have eaten them all? - I don't see an empty box in the
dr160807 -- trash! At camp, that's how they taught us to keep our food away from the bears!
dr160808 -- Hmm... - I must have dripped some chili! - And maybe some spaghetti sauce... - And apparently some chocolate syrup. Dad's version of "tie" food!
dr160809 -- This says the average wiener dog understands 134 words. - Hockey. Facebook. Jazzercrize. ? - Conit. - 135! Wally has always been above average!
dr160810 -- Boy, I love these free samples! Excuse me, sir... - Will you come with me, please? - And STAY out! I always wondered what happened to people who took too many free samples!
dr160811 -- This is the life! I've always dreamed of owning a condo on a golf course! PUTT! - On a MINIATURE golf course? It doesn't have to be a BIG condo!
dr160812 -- I know we're a lot alike, Norman... PUTT! - But even *I* wouldn't carry my golf clubs at a miniature golf course! - I prefer a pull cart!
dr160813 -- I'm sorry I beat you at miniature golf, Norman. You beat me at everything, Echo! - Bowling, ping-pong, co-ed intramural inner tube water polo... I hadn't noticed. - I would've won if that door to the little castle hadn't closed right after I
dr160813 -- hit the ball! HA! Yeah, that was great! - I mean...that was too bad. I wonder if they have miniature golf coaches?
dr160814 -- Thank goodness they banned smoking in the ballpark! - Now, if they'd only ban GARLIC FRIES!
dr160815 -- Well, let's see... - - I've taken 55 steps today!! His fitness tracker will never wear out!
dr160816 -- Come on, Wally! I'm taking you to grandma's! - WHAT? WHY?? Mom's hosting her book club, and you're loud and annoying! - That's an outrage! I'm not loud and... - KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf!! We'll go out the back
dr160816 -- door!
dr160817 -- Add to cart... - Checkout! - I just bought a new bedspread, and I never left the couch! What a time to be alive!
dr160818 -- whirrr Honeybunch, you've worn that apron a lot. - You should take it off sometimes! - You're right! I like it much better without it! - WHIRRR
dr160819 -- WALLY What a great idea! - Why didn't someone think of this sooner? - A bed on a bed! How comfortable can you get? Enjoy it while it lasts!
dr160820 -- Sugar Cereal - - - Why did you pour so much cereal? The box was almost empty!
dr160821 -- - WHIFF - - - WHIFF! - whiff! - tap! - - TRIP! Penny may not be ready for soccer! Or vice versa!
dr160822 -- Gee, that's a tough dilemma. - Sometimes you have to let the chips fall where they may. - ZOOM! - Where? Where?? It was just an expression!
dr160823 -- Wally, get down off the couch! - - I SAID, GET DOWN OFF THE COUCH! I did! Weren't you looking?
dr160824 -- Dad, you shouldn't cling to the past. - I know modern technology can be intimidating, but... - Don't worry. I'm more tech savy than you think, son. - I'm now using an app to send telegraph messages! dit dit dot dash...
dr160825 -- Ralph, you left GUM in your pants and it ruined the laundry! - Please check your pockets better! My cargo pants have 8 POCKETS! - I wear cargo pants every day! That's 56 pockets per week, not counting shirts and jackets! - That's too much for
dr160825 -- a single person to keep track of! You're going to be a single person all right!
dr160826 -- Look at all the kids wandering around outside playing that Pokemon game! - They look like ZOMBIES! Say what you want about zombies, but they do get fresh air and exercise!
dr160827 -- For heaven's sake, Ralph! - Why did you leave all the doors and windows open?? - You're letting in all the... - flies! How do you like the new bug zapper? I'll let you know.
dr160828 -- Steve's GYM Good morning, Mr. Drabble! Long time, no see! - Just sign in and you can start working out! - Actually, I'm not here to work out. I just want to leave my phone here for a little while! - Your phone?? My wife got one of those
dr160828 -- "tracking" apps... - Now she can track the location of my phone throughout the day! - Something tells me you're on a diet again! If you need me, I'll be across the street at the donut shop!
dr160829 -- I love the dog days of summer! - - - - - They're much more fun than the cat days of summer!
dr160830 -- Cats say "I love you" in many different ways! - Like when they brush up against your leg... Actually, this means "feed me". - When they follow you around the house... This also means "feed me". - ...and when they curl up in your lap! This
dr160830 -- means "what do I have to do to get you to feed me?"
dr160831 -- BOYOYOING! BOYOYOING! BOYOYOING! - What is it with you and your annoying text alerts? I thought you'd like this one better than the chirping crickets.
dr160901 -- whiff! - whiff! - whiff! - whiff! whiff! whiff! whiff! whiff! whiff! whiff! - NICE EFFORT, PENNY! I can't wait for tee-ball!
dr160902 -- Here you go, Wally! Sit ip! - Sit up! sniff sniff - Please??! Looks like you'll have to eat my mother's meatloaf all by yourself!
dr160903 -- * - PLUNK! Whoops! - - I hope there's a three second rule for cell phones!
dr160904 -- There's nothing like the atmosphere of a college football game, Stu! - The only thing I'm not crazy about is our school mascot! - What's wrong with roly poly bugs? For one thing, they roll up into a ball when they're scare. - BOO! - Mascots
dr160904 -- used to be symbols of strength and courage! Things have really changed! - How are we supposed to strike fear into our opponents? I wouldn't worry... - Our opponent's mascot is a houseplant! STATE
dr160905 -- You've heard of the dog days of summer? - Well, today is labor day... - The DOG DAY of summer!
dr160906 -- Hey! Let me in! - What do I have to do to get noticed around here! - I know! I'll climb up the screen to eye-level! - Sigh...
dr160907 -- You dumb cat! - Get down off the screen door, and I'll let you in! Finally! - Maarrrrggh! - Suit yourself! I'm stuck! Call 9-1-1!
dr160908 -- So your claws are stuck in the screen door, eh? - Serves you right! - We've told you it's important to keep your nails trimmed, but whenever we try to do it, you freak out! - Maybe someday you'll start listening to me! Say what?
dr160909 -- Still stuck on the screen door, huh? - What a dumb cat! - Hopefully the coyotes can't jump that high. Good night! - Great. Now I'll have nightmares!
dr160910 -- Oogie, you're still stuck on the screen door? - I know how to get you down. - WHIRR RIP! SHRED! - See? What is it with cats and can openers? purrrr!
dr160911 -- I'm still on hold. * * ** - Thank you for calling. We know you're waiting and we'll be right with you. - ...Sigh... ** * * - To make sure you get excellent service, this call may be recorded. - * ** * * - We're sorry you have to wait. You'll
dr160911 -- have our full attention in a moment. - yawn yawn * * - Do you think it will be much longer? I'm not optimistic. Maybe we're out to lunch or something.
dr160912 -- The Time Norman and Echo played Ping Pong... I must warn you, Echo... - I'm really good at table tennis! I routinely beat my grandma! - And I used to beat my little brother until he got glasses. - I can even beat my little sister, who gets
dr160912 -- to stand on a box! I love a challenge!
dr160913 -- This will be fun, Norman! I haven't played ping pong in ages! - KA-POK! - POW! - Ow! That's because no one will play with me anymore.
dr160914 -- OK, ready? My serve! Here we go! - KA-POW! - TIK! - I heard it, but I didn't see it. 1-0 my favor!
dr160915 -- WIFF - No fair, Echo! You're just too good! - Hold the paddle in your left hand or something! - Playing blindfolded isn't enough?
dr160916 -- wiff! - tok! tok! - CRUNCH! - Darn! I guess we have to quit now! You owe me!
dr160917 -- - Whew! - - Whew! - - Whew! In the ages of Twitter, he's not used to reading more than 140 letters at a time!
dr160918 -- Feed me! - Feed me! - Feed me! - Feed me! - All right, Oogie, here you go! - sniff sniff - - Feed me something else!
dr160919 -- Hi, No-Neck. I heard you lost your job. text text text - - Send Why did you send a laughing face? - I thought it was crying! Old people should put on their glasses before texting emojis!
dr160920 -- No...go back...menu... - Yes...yes...Ralph Drabble... - RALPH...DRABBLE! - I hate talking to those automated recordings! This is my mother.
dr160921 -- You're replacing our trees with cactus plants? - Why? To conserve water? Yup... - But mostly because fall is coming. - Cartoonists hate drawing leaves!
dr160922 -- whirrr! - - Boy, look at all these Facebook posts from my uncle Bud! - He's clogging my feed! Mine, too!
dr160923 -- Time to wash the car. I'll help you. - WATER!! I'LL ATTACK IT!! - HEY, GET OUT OF THE CAR! YOU'RE ALL WET!! - I guess he didn't need any help!
dr160924 -- I'll serve first! Ready, Norman? - KA-POK! - KA-ZOT! - Wait, this isn't a paddle, it's a bug zapper!
dr160925 -- Dad said that when he was a kid, Vin Scully's voice could be heard throughout the stadium because so many people brought their transistor radios! - Even thought they were watching the game in person, everyone still wanted to hear Vin's
dr160925 -- description! That's true! - It's trickier to hear him at the stadium now because no one has transistor radios anymore. - By the way, where IS your dad? He's been gone for three innings! - I might have an idea! - - Voila! Did I ever tell you
dr160925 -- about the time Jackie Robertson and I raced on ice skates? Can someone hand me a paper towel, please?
dr160926 -- beep beep beep TILT! Call 911! - Don't ask me questions when I'm taking my blood pressure! I just asked your opinion of the upcoming election!
dr160927 -- Bye, boys! - Don't get into the fruits and vegetables while I'm gone! OK. - SLAM! - Hey, wait a minute...
dr160928 -- Patrick, I'm an optimist and you're a pessimist! - I look at the positive side and you look at the negative! - Give me an example. - You see dad's scalp as half empty, I see it as half full! Actually, I see it as 3/4 empty!
dr160929 -- Great minds discuss ideas... - Average minds discuss events... - Small minds discuss people... - And then there's your dad... I just ate a really good burrito!
dr160930 -- Supermarket I found the milk, now I hope I can find a short checkout line! - Sigh... - Apparently, 35 is the new 15! 15 ITEMS OR LESS I have coupons, too!
dr161001 -- Can we get a pumpkin? No. - It's only the first day of October! I know you're impatient because you're just a child... - But you need to learn that... HALLOWEEN CANDY - 
dr161002 -- GLUTT-O-RAMA Buffet Ralph, isn't it nice to eat dinner alone together? Sure is, honeybunch! - I'm going back for seconds! - - I'm going to get some soup! - - Pizza time! - - I need to dry the muffins! - At the buffet, eating "alone together"
dr161002 -- is an accurate description!
dr161003 -- Whoa! - Last time I saw one of these things, all the leaves fell off the tree! - And then a bunch of kids knocked on the door and we had to give them all our candy! - HIDE THE CANDY!
dr161004 -- It's October! - Time to break out the Halloween decorations! - Look what I found, Wally! - This is going to be a long month!
dr161005 -- HEY! MY KEYS! WHERE ARE MY KEYS? - Whew! Here they are...behind my phone and my wallet and my gum and my comb! - Dad, your pants have four pockets! Why do you only use ONE? - It's easier to find things!
dr161006 -- My dad said my outlook would improve if I stopped looking at social media. - I haven't looked at it all day and I must admit, I feel more content and less pessimistic! - Dad was right! - So that's good to know!
dr161007 -- Doing the daily crossword puzzle is one of the joys of my life! - - WAD WAD WAD! - That joy didn't last long! Friday's puzzle is always the hardest!
dr161008 -- This shampoo looks new. What kind is it? - Green tea. - Tea? - What's with your hair? Too much caffeine.
dr161009 -- Here's an interesting question... - If a tree falls in the forest, and noone is around to hear it, does it make a noise? - Who knows? I guess it's impossible to say! - I have an even better question to ponder... - If a cat is at home and
dr161009 -- noone is there to see it, does it still do stupid things? I'll never tell!
dr161010 -- stuff stuff cram 2006 TAKES - click! - SCREECH! ffffbbppth! - You really need to buy a shredder! I'll try the microwave.
dr161011 -- - - - You really hate raking leaves, don't you?
dr161012 -- - YES! - Another point for me! Dang! I guess it's better than video games!
dr161013 -- Ralph, I need your help. I want to redecorate our living room... - What do you think of this new painting I bought? - Yeesh! - "Yeesh" can mean a lot of things, you know!
dr161014 -- rowf rowf rowf - rowf rowf rowf! - rowf! Wally always wanted to be a sheepherder!
dr161015 -- - - He puts the PRO in the procrastinate!
dr161016 -- - - - YES! - I DID A CHIN-UP!! Does that count? Yes, technically, he only had to get one of his chins over the bar!
dr161017 -- Oh, look! We got a postcard from Grandma! - She's vacationing in Italy! Isn't it beautiful? - - How do you enlarge the picture? Try holding it closer to your face!
dr161018 -- When Wally sleeps on my lap, I feel peaceful. Z - Dogs can have a calming effect on people. Some are even trained to do that! - Just think of Wally as your comfort dog. - KNOCK KNOCK ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF Or not.
dr161019 -- Ralph, take a bite of my ice cream! No thanks. - It's really good! Please try it! Well, OK. - NOT SUCH A BIG BITE!!!! - What's up with you? Right now, my blood pressure!
dr161020 -- We need to hurry, Ralph! - The party starts in ten minutes! - I like to be fashionably late! - You've never been fashionably anything!
dr161021 -- Trick or treat! - It's not Halloween yet! - Yeah...so? Good point. Care for some egg nog?
dr161022 -- Dad, are you going to wear a costume for Halloween? - Absolutely not! Halloween is for kids! - Adults should act like adults and stay out of it! - How do I look? Never mind.
dr161023 -- Hi, Wally! I'm home! Hungry! - Good heavens! What's with you? Hungry Hungry - You're acting like you're hungry! Hungry! Hungry! - I told Ralph to feed you before he left for work! Did he forget? Hungry! Hungry! - ...Sigh...let me see... text
dr161023 -- text text Hungry hungry hungry! - Airport Security Check ding! Did you feed Wally? ding! Yed I did. - Nice try, though! My ancestors got away with the old "Dad forgot to feed me" trick much easier!
dr161024 -- I love the leaves of fall! I love the fall of leaves! - We're so different!
dr161025 -- Hi, No-Neck! - I hope you are doing wellllllllllllxxhkzzbbuk - Typing on a laptop can be difficult for middle-age men. - We're always trying to pick our hairs out of the keyboard!
dr161026 -- Sigh... - - Now I know why they're called "throw" pillows!
dr161027 -- - - - It might be time to visit the dentist!
dr161028 -- You're carving another pumpkin?? - You've already carved SIX. - How many do you need?? - Enough to finish my Halloween costume!
dr161029 -- Have some Halloween candy, Norm! OK! - AAAAUGHH! - I thought you said adults shouldn't try to scare little kids on Halloween! I did! - But any trick-or-treater over 6 feet tall is fair game!
dr161030 -- Bye, Ralph! I'm going to the mall! - Please don't get into the Halloween candy I hid in the closet! - SLAM! - - - BOO! - Excuse me. Why weren't you scared? AAAAAHH!!
dr161031 -- - - Where is everybody? This year, the scariest day of the year falls on November 8th.
dr161101 -- - - SHLOP! - Where are you taking your pumpkin, Steinbauer? - The supermarket has a "no questions asked" return policy!
dr161102 -- Dad, can I keep our Jack-o'-Lantern in my room? - No way. You'd probably stick it in your closet and forget about it! - And then it would get old and rotten and disgusting! - Oh yeah. That's what I did last year!
dr161103 -- Come on! Pitch it in here! - Throw a strike! I dare you! - WIFF - How can anyone strike out on a pumpkin? That had to be a spit-pumpkin!
dr161104 -- Hello, sir! If you are like most people, you have no idea how to dispose of your pumpkins! - I'll be glad to take your pumpkins and dispose of them, free of charge! Sounds great! - Hey, what happened to the STEAMROLLER?? The driver had to get
dr161104 -- back to work!
dr161105 -- SPLAT - - What does this remind me of? - Oh, yeah...my hairdo in high school!
dr161106 -- text text text What - texty text tex What time - text text What time should - text text texty text What time should we - text text What time should we tee off - ...Sigh... What time should we tee off tomorrow? - When the phone tries to guess
dr161106 -- my next word, I find it very... Annoying?
dr161107 -- Time marches on, doesn't it? - Things are falling, things are changing color, the temperature is dropping. - And that's just ME!
dr161108 -- WAA HA HA!! - STOP THAT! HA HA HA! THAT'S ENOUGH!! HA HA! - I'm not even touching you! This is the las time I take you to get a pedicure! WOO HOO HOO!
dr161109 -- Wally! Get down! - That's a new couch! Dogs are not allowed on new furniture! - That's understandable! I'll stay off it until it's not new anymore! - OK, that should do it!
dr161110 -- Sorry, Wally. I have to block your access to the living room. - We don't want you to sneak in here and jump on the new... - couch! Where there's a will, there's a way!
dr161111 -- Him Grandpa! - I'm just calling to say happy valentine's day! - It's VETERAN'S day, Penny. Oh, right... - Happy Veterinarians Day! ...Sigh...
dr161112 -- 23 Hour URGENT CARE Hello, Mr. Drabble! - Good heavens! What's wrong with you?? - You ought to see a doctor! - HA HA HA! The only thing worse than a doctor without a sense of humor is a doctor WITH a sense of humor!
dr161113 -- How do I set the alarm clock on my phone? - First you press this button, then tap on the icon, then scroll to the time you want, then tap that thing! - How do you turn on our new vacuum cleaner? - Twist the handle, step on that button, and
dr161113 -- push this button! - How do you make the new TV play a DVD? - You push the top-left button on your clicker, press this button on the skinny clicker, and that button on the rounded clicker! - When you're a man of my age, every household gadget
dr161113 -- might as well be a Rubik's Cube!
dr161114 -- WALLY sniff sniff - ? - ROWF! * - The only downside to startling a cat is you end up covered with cat hair!
dr161115 -- - * - Why didn't you answer your phone? That was my phone? - I changed your ring tone. You need something more hip! Now I'm gonna need a NEW hip!
dr161116 -- Wally can hear a potato chip fall on the carpet. - He can hear the mail carrier coming from a block away... - But he can't hear me yell "WALLY, STOP IT!!" Did somebody say something?
dr161117 -- - - OW!! - I'M NOT GONNA KICK YOUR FINGER AGAIN! I wanna play a different position!
dr161118 -- - - THERE ARE NO SELFIE STICKS IN FOOTBALL! Well, there should be!
dr161119 -- - - ? - Hey, I found the TV clickers, too!
dr161120 -- Carpool Lane 2 People Or More Per Vehicle I'm sorry, my mistake! I pulled you over because I thought your passenger was a dummy! Tell me about it!
dr161121 -- - - - This time of year, it's important to think about all the things we're thankful for!
dr161122 -- Goodbye, Oogie! - We're going somewhere! - Sorry, but we have to leave you all alone for a while! - You should be thinking about things you're thankful for! I am!
dr161123 -- - Drabble - Drive-Thru DONUTS Open 24 Hours - I hope you're thinking about all the things you're thankful for! You bet I am!
dr161124 -- Parades, football, food, family... I'm thankful for thanksgiving! - Me too. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday! - I'm thankful Halloween is over and it's not Christmas yet!
dr161125 -- I hate "Black Friday." - I think it's awful how they follow up a day of thanks with a day of rudeness and greed! - For some people, thanksgiving is just BLACK FRIDAY EVE! I dread it! - I miss the good old days when the only thing I dreaded
dr161125 -- about thanksgiving was grandma's green bean casserole!
dr161126 -- Back from vacation, Steinbauer? Yes I am! - How come YOU never go on vacation, Ralph? - My wife calls me a homebody. That's understandable! - You resemble an igloo!
dr161127 -- Gee, honeybunch! That's a nice painting! Thanks! - I had no idea you could paint so well! - I didn't actually paint it all by myself...I bought it! - But then when I hung it on the wall, it didn't match our furniture. - So I'm just changing
dr161127 -- the colors slightly! - You're REPAINTING another artist's PAINTING?? - Of course not! I have too much respect to change an artist's work! I'm just touching it up a little! - You added a BOAT! Well, why would anyone paint a lake without
dr161127 -- putting a boat on it??
dr161128 -- Come here, Wally! - Why are you trembling? - I told him he was getting a bath tonight. - My comfort pet needs a comfort pet!
dr161129 -- - - - I could've sworn I just filled that candy dish! It goes fast when you have a family of five!
dr161130 -- @!!*!*!! - click! - Aaaahh! - You know you're growing up when you like the sound of an off TV!
dr161201 -- Thank you for the gift, Ralph! - It was very thoughtful of you... - But I said I wanted YOGA pants, not YOGI pants! I thought it was a little weird myself!
dr161202 -- Dear Santa, I'm looking forward to your arrival. - Dear Santa Claus, please bring me the following items... - dear Santa, I can't wait! - Dear UPS man... Sigh...
dr161203 -- No one ever likes my tweets. - In order to get a lot of "likes", you have to be snarky and controversial! - But that's not me! Oh, well. - I need to figure out how to be snarky and controversial without being snarky and controversial!
dr161204 -- It's sweatpants weather!! - Nothing feels better on a cold day than putting on a pair of sweatpants! - I don't have any seatpants, so I borrowed yours! How do I look? - They're a little baggy! - Norm, between your shoelaces and the
dr161204 -- drawstring, you're an accident waiting to happen! - At least tie your shoes! - Okey doke! - Hey, how come I can't stand up??! Correction: He's an accident that ALREADY happened!
dr161205 -- Gee, that's a pretty good picture of me! - I'm not as old and ugly as I thought! - That's because I learned how to erase all the wrinkles and imperfections! - Who am I standing with? That's ME!
dr161206 -- Dad, can I... No. - Then how about if I... No. - Can I at least... No. - Thanks for asking, though!
dr161207 -- This selfie of us is great, but you sure have a huge head! - Sorry. No problem. I can crop it. Watch... - crop crop crop crop crop crop crop... - Enough cropping already!! If only I could crop you in real life!
dr161208 -- I've never understood cramming for exams! - Why does it seem like a good idea to cram so much into your head at once? - - CRUNCH! It must be a guy thing!
dr161209 -- Norman, you're pathetic! Why can't you keep your shoelaces tied? - Wendy, there are worse things than walking around with an untied shoelace! - Speaking of which... - Oh, excuse me! ZIP!
dr161210 -- - wrap wrap tap tape rip shred tear cut shred! - I wrapped dad's present! You used three rolls of paper to wrap a TIE??
dr161211 -- I'm sorry if I seemed a little irritable earlier today... - I think I was just "hangry". "Hangry"?? - Haven't you heard that term? It's a combination of HUNGRY and ANGRY! - I seemed a little angry because I was hungry! - If I don't eat when
dr161211 -- I'm supposed to, it puts me in a bad mood, and that's called being "hangry". I get it! - But what about last night, when you seemed irritated after dinner? - Last night? I must have been "slangry". "Slangry"? That's when I get mad because I'm
dr161211 -- sleepy!
dr161212 -- Internal Medicine Good morning, Mr. Drabble! How are you? Hanging in there. - Yesterday I drank that awful concoction you gave me... - I didn't get a wink of sleep and I haven't eaten anything in 36 hours! - It'll be good to get this over
dr161212 -- with! Actually, your colonoscopy isn't until NEXT Monday!
dr161213 -- I think our TV remotes multiply at night! - I don't even know what most of there do! There must be a better place for them! - No.
dr161214 -- - How's the popcorn string that took me nine hours to make? Needs butter.
dr161215 -- Usually at this time of year, mom and dad argue over which is the all-time best Christmas movie. - I haven't heard them argue about it this year! Maybe they finally agreed! - Mr. Magoo's Xmas > Miracle on 34th. Mr. Magoo's Xmas < Miracle on
dr161215 -- 34th. text text text texty text I doubt it!
dr161216 -- chirp chirp! ...Sigh... - On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me... - ...and a partridge in a pear tree. Thx. - I asked the carolers to just text me this year!
dr161217 -- Today's Strip is All About Wally... - - - - Meow! - What are YOU doing here? This is all about ME! I thought I'd make a "cameow" appearance!
dr161218 -- - - Norman, don't let go of the ball! - I'm not going to kick your finger!! - If you're so worried about getting hurt, I'LL hold the ball and YOU kick it! - OK! - - BOOT! crunch! - OW! MY FINGER!! I give up.
dr161219 -- Norman! Why didn't you untangle the Christmas lights? - Doesn't it bother you to have them tangled like that?? - What? Never mind.
dr161220 -- ** Everybody knows... - ** a turkey and a mistletoe... ** - Speak of the devil!
dr161221 -- What are you doing, Penny? Writing a letter to Santa! - You already wrote a letter to Santa! I know! - I changed my mind about what I want! - You can't change you mind three days before Christmas! Why not? He hasn't left yet!
dr161222 -- Eight tiny reindeer pull a large man in a sleigh... - With a humongous bag of toys... - And they have to fly around the world in ONE NIGHT?? - I'm surprised the humane society hasn't chimed in!
dr161223 -- I can't believe Christmas is almost here! - There's magic in the air!! - I'm so excited, I can't even sleep! - That could also be because it's noon. I usually sleep in much later when school is out!
dr161224 -- ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF!! Santa must be here!! - Wally finally caught him!! - I said NO NO NO, not HO HO HO! Sorry, false alarm!
dr161225 -- A new doll! Whoops, I already broke it! - Oh boy, socks again! Cool! A built-it-yourself time-travel machine! Wait, how do I know I didn't already build it? - Hey, Wally! You have a present too! Look Wally! Uh...Wally? How did he get in here
dr161225 -- without me noticing?? I only dozed-off for a couple of hours!
dr161226 -- It's the day after Christmas. - I wonder if they're still... - FIIIIVE GOOOLD RIIIINGS! - Yup! Still goin'! That's a long song!
dr161227 -- Dear Santa, Mom says I can't play with my new doll until I write you a thank you note. - Dear Saint Nick, thanks for the golf clubs. - Dear Santa, thank you for the drone. - Boy, you're strict! Trust me when they have kids on their own,
dr161227 -- they'll write ME a thank-you note!
dr161228 -- Hello? - Ring Bell For Service - I don't see a bell! - Honk Horn For Service
dr161229 -- Mom, about those cookies you just baked... - Are they for us or did you bake them for someone else? - They're for you! - Just checking! 'cause we already ate seven of 'em! shh!
dr161230 -- Time to put away the Christmas music for another year! - We'll put the Bing Crosby CD on top, since he's the best! - Louis Armstrong goes on top because HE'S the best! - "Der Bingle"! "Satchmo"! Some arguments never end!
dr161231 -- Every new year's eve, I'm hopeful that the coming year will be better than the last. - And then, by February, I'm just hoping to break even!
dr170101 -- What's wrong, Wally? You look nervous! - Too much excitement around here? - I understand. Christmas is over, we're taking down the decorations. Change can be hard on all of us! - Or maybe you're afraid we're all going to leave you because you
dr170101 -- saw a suitcase? - Trust me! Everything is OK! - I am my dog's comfort pet!
dr170102 -- Congratulate me, honeybunch! - Every year I make a resolution to diet, and every year I break it on new year's day! - This year, I made it all the way to January 2nd! Maybe next year they'll play the rose bowl game on January 3rd!
dr170103 -- Norm! - I thought I told you to take the dog for a walk! -
dr170104 -- I waxed the car, dad! You did an exceptional job, Norm! - EXCEPT you missed a spot here, here, here, here... That's pretty exceptional!
dr170105 -- I noticed on my 'tracker' app that you drove to a donut shop in another town this morning! - And you've gone there four days in a row! I like them the best. - I go to great lengths to ensure I have only the finest donuts! - You might go to
dr170105 -- great widths, too! What did she say "tracker" app??
dr170106 -- Norman got a nose ring! - Seriously?? - Did it hurt, Norm? - Doe, but it's very uncomfortable!
dr170107 -- You'll never be able to close that suitcase! - Yes I will. It has a double zipper! - If I unzip this one, the suitcase expands and allows more room inside! - See? I wish they made pants like that!
dr170108 -- Look, Ralph! I bought us both earbuds so we can listen to music while we take long walks together! - I can listen to the music I want and you can listen to the music YOU want! - Won't this be fun? - WHAT? - I said "WON'T THIS BE FUN?" - If
dr170108 -- you say so. - WHAT? HUH? I predict they won't make it to the mailbox!
dr170109 -- Patrick! Why did you eat ice cream right before dinner? - Dad said it was OK! Wait, what? - You should know better than that, Ralph! - Sorry to throw you under the bus, dad. I've been under more buses than a speed bump!
dr170110 -- What is it, Wally? You want to go outside? spin spin - What now? Changed your mind? - What makes dogs do that?? - It's called JANUARY!
dr170111 -- - OW! OW! OWIE! OW! - Liar! I said it's fun to catch snowflakes on your tongue, not HAIL!
dr170112 -- Hey, Norman! It's fun to catch snowballs on your tongue! Wanna try? - OK! - WAP! - You really need to listen better!
dr170113 -- NORMAN! DON' TURN UP THE THERMOSTAT!! - Are you crazy?? - Crazy?? YOU'RE the one who invited a snowman in for lunch! We intend to eat quickly!
dr170114 -- Boy, I love to fall into the bed! - Nice falling. I think it might be time to rotate the mattress!
dr170115 -- Where on earth are the restrooms in this mall? - Through the doors. Thank heavens! - Restrooms --> - ...Sight... Restrooms <-- - Restrooms <-- - Restrooms --> - Restrooms --> - Closed for Maintenance
dr170116 -- WALLY zzyzx - Breakfast is served! - Can you move it a little closer? - It's always hard to get out of bed on these cold January mornings!
dr170117 -- Hey, where's my bed?? - Your doggie bed is in the washing machine. What?? - Why?? It was covered in dog hair and getting stinky! - Exactly! It took me YEARS to get it just right!
dr170118 -- Stop whimpering, Wally! - I had to put your doggie bed in the washing machine. It'll be out in 20 minutes! - Don't be impatient! Easy for you to say! - Where am I supposed to SLEEP for the next 20 minutes??!
dr170119 -- OK, Wally! Your wait is over! - Your doggie bed is ready to come out of the washing machine! - Yes! I can finally take a nap! - Of course, now it has to go in the dryer! WHAT?! Do what I do: sleep on the clean laundry!
dr170120 -- WALLY Aaahh! I love my doggie bed! - What's so great about it? yawn! - You're just jealous because you don't have one! - The world is my bed!
dr170121 -- What's the matter, Wally? - Is it a little cold in here? - You wanna feel warm and toasty? I can help you! - I was hoping he'd turn up the thermostat, not loan me some sweatpants!
dr170122 -- OK, what's your next problem? - 9x8=? That's easy! 9x8=76! - HA HA HA! That isn't right! - I can't believe you missed that! Ha ha! I know it's not right, son... - I got it wrong on purpose to teach you an important lesson. - I answered all the
dr170122 -- other problems correctly, and you never said a word... - But when I got one wrong, you laughed and called attention to it! - Remember, son, this world will not always appreciate the things you do right, but it will always point out the things
dr170122 -- you get wrong! - Never be discouraged by criticism! Thanks, dad! - 9x8 is not 76?? No, but that was a fine save!
dr170123 -- Supermarket Would you like to buy a grocery bag, Mr. Drabble? BUY one?? - We can't give them away for free anymore. - I'm not going to buy a grocery bag. - Thank goodness for sweatpants!
dr170124 -- How come girls never talk to us? - Because we're nerds. - No, you're dweebs! - NOW they talk to us!
dr170125 -- Why can't any of us get dates? We're dweebs, Stu! - Face it, girls like guys who are exciting and daring! - I'm exciting and daring! - You bring sunscreen to the indoor pool! I may be daring, but I don't take foolish chances!
dr170126 -- I don't understand why we're more popular! - Me neither! How many guys have a six-color stainless steel multipurpose astronaut pen? - Or have a carrying case for their own crazy straw? - I'm starting to understand. I also bought a new bowling
dr170126 -- helmet!
dr170127 -- bing! - I think Norman is addicted to social media! - He just "liked" one of my tweets! What's wrong with that? - He's in the shower!
dr170128 -- Whirrrr - Sweet! - - Old Christmas tree needles make great toothpicks!
dr170129 -- Ralph, our favorite show's on! - Want to watch it with me? It's on NOW?? - I recorded it so I could zap out the commercials! - Zap out?? - You mean fast-forward through the commercials, go too far, rewind, go too far back, fast-forward again,
dr170129 -- go too far, cuss a little bit, rewind again, go too far, give up and just watch all the commercials like you always do? - Sure, why not? I have nothing else to do for the next few hours! I wonder what else this thing can zap out?
dr170130 -- z - - The couch wasn't soft enough for you?
dr170131 -- It's cold in this house! - I'll put on my sweatpants. - And my sweatshirt and my sweatsocks! - Why is dad all sweaty on a day like this? Go figure!
dr170201 -- I guess I don't understand social media. - No one ever likes my tweets. Give me your phone, I'll get you some "likes." - How many of you just felt the earthquake?!! - We had an earthquake? No, but you just got 84 "likes!"
dr170202 -- Today is Groundhog day! Who cares? yawn! - What we need is Wiener Dog Day! - A celebration of bravery, intelligence, humor, loyalty and love! - We'd celebrate it on June 21st, the longest day of the year! You've given this way too much
dr170202 -- thought.
dr170203 -- - Nope. Not yet. - - Your sweatpants will get warm and toasty faster if you just leave them alone! Dang it!
dr170204 -- I'm going to make a snowdad! - A snowdad?? - I'm not THAT big! Thanks for using up all the snow, though...
dr170205 -- More Super Bowl Terminology - Failure to Wear Required Equipment Ralph, please put on pants! - Taunting I'd give you a Super Bowl Cookie, but your doctor said you need to cut back on sweets! - First Down Good thing we ordered four pizzas! -
dr170205 -- Long Snapper Nice doxie! grrrr! - Palpably Unfair Act You put SPINACH in the DIP??!! - Contacting an Official I saw it first! MOM! - Interference Ralph, my parents are coming over to watch the game! SPPFFF!!
dr170206 -- bling* - Message honeybunch I'm at the store. Check our tortilla soup for a date. - text text texty text OK, it said... - bling! Message Honeybunch And don't tell me it said "Sure, how about a movie?" I wish my thumbs were faster!
dr170207 -- Sir Isaac Newton said, "If I have seen further than others..." - " it is by standing upon the shoulders of giants." - I know the feeling!
dr170208 -- rowf rowf rowf rowf! You dumb dog! Why do you bark at water?? - THAT WAS GOALTENDING, REF!! Perhaps the same reason he yells at a TV!
dr170209 -- - Oogie - SWIPE! - Now THAT'S a home security system!
dr170210 -- Oogie - Why is this stupid cat tower HERE? - It belongs over here! - WALLY My property value just plummeted!
dr170211 -- Ralph, will you please vacuum the ceiling? Huh? - I know it sounds crazy, but... Crazy? No. I've been married to you for over 20 years. - Nothing sounds crazy to me anymore... - Like washing the dishes before putting them in the dishwasher,
dr170211 -- vacuuming the car before going to the carwash, cleaning the windows before the window cleaner arrives... Forget it! I'll do it myself!
dr170212 -- VALENTINE'S DAY - - - - - I think Mrs. Drabble would like this one! Great! Thanks! - If honeybunch only knew how much work goes into selecting her cards!
dr170213 -- My friend No-Neck posted a mushy Valentine's Day tribute to his wife. - "She is my life partner and my best friend. She brightens my days and warms my nights..." - Isn't that wonderful? WONDERFUL? - He just did it to make my life difficult! I
dr170213 -- wish YOU'D do that!
dr170214 -- I think it's romantic that No-Neck posted a tribute to his wife for Valentine's Day! - Who wouldn't love having her husband tell the world how wonderful she is? - It would be nice if you'd do that! There! I just did it! - Where?? In the
dr170214 -- comments under his post, I wrote "ditto."
dr170215 -- Good morning, sunshine! mmphff - You're not really a morning person, are you? - I AM a morning person! - It just doesn't kick in until the afternoon!
dr170216 -- Good dog, Wally! - Good boy! - You're a good doggie! - The only time I ever get complimented is when I'm not doing anything!
dr170217 -- WALLY ZZYZX - Good mor... - ning! - He goes form sound asleep to wide awake faster than anybody!
dr170218 -- Look! I've got a stethoscope! - Want me to check if you're OK? Sure! - I don't hear anything! That stands to reason.
dr170219 -- - You dumb dog! - Why do you chase your tail? - Don't you realize that you're never going to get anywhere? - Some things I'll never understand! - Why are you staring at me?
dr170220 -- Ralph, you forgot to buy carrots! Every time you send me to the store, you say I forgot something! - If I didn't buy it, it's because you didn't write it down! I have the list to prove it! - MILK! BREAD! CARROTS! ASPARAG... - I'll be back in
dr170220 -- 20 minutes...
dr170221 -- Norman, your room is a disaster! - I thought you were going to organize it! I DID organize it, mom! - Stuff, crud, junk, miscellaneous, unknown...
dr170222 -- munch munch! - - How can I enjoy my potato chips with you staring at me like that? - That's what *I* was wondering.
dr170223 -- I've decided to switch majors in college. - I'm going to get a degree in "Media Operations". - What's that? - I'll learn how to use all our remotes! Now THAT'S a useful degree!
dr170224 -- Hey, kids! Go put your heads through those holes and I'll take a picture! - Norman requires more specific instructions.
dr170225 -- - OOGIE - - Oogie's house is very functional! Bop!
dr170226 -- - squeak squeak! - squeak squeaky squeak squeak! - Just because I'm on the floor, it doesn't mean I want to play with you! - - Just because I'm on the floor, it doesn't mean I want you to sit on me! He's a hard one to figure out!
dr170227 -- Good afternoon, sir! - Would you be (puff) interested in hearing about our (wheeze) home security system? - No thanks. - My dad always told me, "Never buy anything from a guy who's out of breath."
dr170228 -- This is a very emotional movie! - Poor Echo is sobbing! - Allow me to kiss away a tear! smooch - Actually, that was my runny nose! SPPFFFF!
dr170301 -- - - munch munch munch - Here, Oogie. Since Wally keeps eating your food, you get to eat on the table tonight!
dr170302 -- Hey, Typo! I just heard a funny joke... - WAH HA HA HA HA! - Hee hee! That wasn't the funny part! - HA HA! You should be a late-night host! And you could be my sidekick, because you laugh at everything!
dr170303 -- Typo, you'll laugh at everything! - That's not true! - I'll prove it. - Egg. WAH HA HA! Eggs are funny!
dr170304 -- I'm always excited for the new baseball season! Spring training is almost here! - I can't wait to turn on the radio again and enjoy all the stats and stories! I'm SO HAPPY!! - Vin Scully retired. - Sorry to remind you.
dr170305 -- Hmmm... - ? - How do you make this electronic scale work? - You need a blow dryer? What?? - For some reason, it needs to be warm to give a digital readout! - - click click clickkity click - How do you make this blow dryer work? You need a can
dr170305 -- opener!
dr170306 -- Aaaahhh! - There's nothing better than coming home to the aroma of freshly baked cookies! - I know how much you boys love that! - Which is why I bought this cookie-scented candle at the mall! How thoughtful!
dr170307 -- Norman, we're going to be in the car for a while, and I don't want you to just play with your phone. - Bring something else to pass the time! - ...Sigh...
dr170308 -- Wendy, have you ever noticed that whenever someone says something boring... - The other person usually says "really?" or "is that right?" - Really? Yeah, that's what people say when they don't really care! - Is that right? Wow, I never realized
dr170308 -- she found me so interesting!
dr170309 -- ...four...five...six... - OK, I can eat six cookies! - I only eat as many cookies as I can stack! - The doctor said I needed to have a balanced diet!
dr170310 -- ...Sigh... What's wrong, Ralph? - Steinbauer, I just looked in the mirror and saw an old man looking back at me! - You're not alone, Ralph! - I look at you and see an old man looking back at me, too!
dr170311 -- - SNIFFFFFFF! - ACHOO! cough! cough! hack! - Wait, the phrase is "Stop and smell the ROSES," not dandelions! My bad.
dr170312 -- You've been watching TV all day, Ralph! You need to get some exercise! Maybe after the game. - chirp chip! Dang! Sounds like I got a text! - I left my phone upstairs charging. - ...Sigh... - Dumb cat! - - Message Honeybunch At least I got you
dr170312 -- to climb the stairs! Oh, she's a riot!
dr170313 -- - - KLUNK! - Maybe the reason I can't do a somersault is because it's winter! Yeah, let's go with that!
dr170314 -- Here you are, sir! Thanks! - - Darn! I forgot to take a picture of my food and post it on Facebook! - Pardon me. I just want to take a picture of your food!
dr170315 -- I figured out why I can't do a somersault. - Because it isn't summer! - I also can't do hand springs because it's not spring yet! - trip! It's not fall, either!
dr170316 -- Some people read the newspaper... - Some people read their phones... - I'm a man in the middle. - I read the newspaper but I keep looking up in the corner to see what time it is!
dr170317 -- In honor of Saint Patrick's Day, I got out my ukulele! - Ukuleles aren't Irish. - Really?? - Next, you're going to tell me my Bit-O-Honey isn't Irish! Is Alpo dog food Irish?
dr170318 -- Rowf! Rowf!  Rowf! Rowf! Rowf! - Rowf! Rowf! Rowf! Rowf! Rowf! Rowf! ...Sigh... - Nobody there. - You're welcome! Dumb dog!
dr170319 -- I could've sworn I threw that junk mail away! - Hey, somebody threw away the bread heels! - I love the heels! I might even make a sandwich! - ? - I could've SWORN I threw away these heels! - Hey! Who keeps throwing away my junk mail before
dr170319 -- I've had a chance to got through it?? - ? - It's hard to make progress around the house on Ralph's day off.
dr170320 -- We've said good night to the kids...the house is quiet...another day is in the books. - It's just you and me now! So, what would you like to do? - Do you really need to ask? - Nope. Is life great or what?!
dr170321 -- When the kids go to bed, and we have the house all to ourselves... - It remind me of when we were newly-weds and we didn't have kids yet! - But it's probably just because you're wearing the same sweatpants!
dr170322 -- Honeybunch thinks I shouldn't raid the refrigerator every night. - Fortunately, she doesn't nag me about it. - She does, however, find ways to get her point across! Isn't the scale supposed to be in the bathroom?
dr170323 -- Ralph, every night after the kids goto bed, you have a midnight snack... - But I don't think it's healthy. It's not good to eat so late at night! - I have to admit, you're probably right. - So let's start getting the kids to bed a little
dr170323 -- earlier!
dr170324 -- Good morning, Ralph! mornin', honeybunch! - I know you had some pie for your midnight snack last night... - But I could've sworn there was some left! - I may have polished it off during my 2 a.m. snack!
dr170325 -- You've got to admit, honeybunch, it's fun to have a midnight snack after the kids have gone to bed! - One day it will always be like this. The kids will be gone, the house will be quiet, it'll be just you and me! - - You're having a midnight
dr170325 -- snack?! JOIN US! PLEASE!
dr170326 -- Let's see...first I push this button... - Then that button, and... WHIRRRRRR - WHIRRRR It's flying!! - WHIRRRR - twingg* WWIRRR - Oops! Drone-1, Kite-0 CRASH! Oh, well, it IS the 21st century!
dr170327 -- It would be nice if you'd hold my hand during the movie, Ralph! OK - * * - ACHOO! - You can let go now! Darned allergies!
dr170328 -- Someone posted an interesting link... - "How smart are you? If you can answer these 20 questions, you have an IQ of 150!" - Should I click on it? - If you do, you should immediately deduct 40 points!
dr170329 -- YAP YAP YAP! ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF Wally, quit barking! - Why do dogs like to bark at each other through a fence? It's silly! - Keep your dumb dog quiet over there, Ralph! Don't be a jerk, Steinbauer! - YOU are! No, YOU are!!
dr170330 -- Hi, mommy! ** Welcome home, Penny-Pie! * - Hey, mom! High.five, Patrick! - ...Sigh... - Moms are only as happy as their least-happy kid.
dr170331 -- Boys, all I'm trying to say is... - Spending a lot of time on social media can have side effects! - Are you listening? Yes, load more comments. - I mean, tell us more!
dr170401 -- "knock knock!" Who's there? - rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf! - rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf, who? - STOP BARKING! THERE'S NO ONE AT THE DOOR! I don't get it!
dr170402 -- Wow! - I need to take a picture of this meal and post it on Facebook! - - - Post - - This food is cold!
dr170403 -- Isn't this amazing, Ralph? - We bought each other the SAME ANNIVERSARY CARD! - That's because we're so much alike and know each other so well! - And because one of us needs glasses! Oops! I thought it said "FROM a wonderful husband".
dr170404 -- I have to give a speech at the lodge tonight, honeybunch! - Try not to say "um." You always say "um" when you're speaking and it's annoying! - Everybody says "um"! I never say "um" when I talk! - That's because she can't get a word in
dr170404 -- edgewise!
dr170405 -- Gusse what, daddy! * * What, Penny-Pie? - Today at school, I got to meet he princessipal! - You mean, the PRINCIPAL! - No, she's a girl!
dr170406 -- - - Moms never need Twitter because we have enough followers already!
dr170407 -- I'm home, Ralph! Hey, what are you doing? - Is that cake frosting? Are you eating cake frosting out of the can??! - You're supposed to be on a DIET! - I AM on a diet! - That's why I'm just eating the frosting!
dr170408 -- I can't finish my dinner. Can I have a doggie bag? - I'm sorry, we're all out of doggie bags! - Oh, well, no problem. - I married a human doggie bag!
dr170409 -- Dad, where did you meet mom? - We met at the gym! The GYM?? - We were sitting next to each other on the exercise bikes and struck up a conversation! - And that's why I never go there anymore. - The last time I went to the gym, I gained 125
dr170409 -- pounds! He loves to tell that story!
dr170410 -- MARKET Why do they put these chocolate easter eggs right next to the register? - I made it through the store without buying anything fattening, but now there's one last temptation! - OK, you win. I'll buy a few! - We had this same
dr170410 -- conversation one hour ago! I came back for gum, OK?
dr170411 -- Everyone who eats a chocolate easter bunny bites off the ears first! - I'll prove it. Hey, dad! Want a chocolate easter bunny? Sure! - Gulp! - You'll just have to take my word for it!
dr170412 -- I love spring! - I also love fall! - And summer! And winter! - But I really love spring! Wally is easy to please!
dr170413 -- I love color easter eggs! The longer you leave it in the dye, the prettier it gets! My egg is two-toned! - I'll color my egg red! thunk! That's my tomato juice!
dr170414 -- I can smell a badger a mile away. - I can hear a cookie crumb fall on the carpet. - ...and while we're asleep, the easter bunny will sneak into our house and hide all the eggs! Fat chance!
dr170415 -- ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF!! - Z WALLY
dr170416 -- YOU'RE WARM! GETTING WARMER! - YOU'RE BURNING UP!! scratch scratch - NOW YOU'RE COLD! - YOU'RE GETTING WARM AGAIN! - COLD! - WARMER! - PTOO! - FOUND IT!! You'd think he'd be a little better at this, considering it's his 19th easter egghunt!
dr170417 -- Some of the easter eggs were really hard to find this year! Yeah, lots of them were hidden way up high! - The easter bunny is getting older. It's probably hard for him to bend over! At least he remembered this year!
dr170418 -- ** Whoa! - WHY IS THE TV SO LOUD?!! - IT'S HARD FOR ME TO HEAR IT OVER MY IPOD! He's your son! What?
dr170419 -- - - skattle skattle skattle You're supposed to bring it back!
dr170420 -- - - Hey, where's Wally? - Just hanging out in the hood!
dr170421 -- ...and then we should... Hold that thought, honeybunch. Every time I drive through this tunnel, I lose reception! - But we're not talking on our cell phones! Oh, yeah, huh!
dr170422 -- Sorry, kids. It's still too early to blow up the pool! - But take heart! I can't see my shadow, so that means we'll have an early summer! - Punxsutawney Ralph! The only reason you can't see your shadow is because you can't see your own
dr170422 -- stomach!
dr170423 -- Z - zzzzz - *Z*** - zzyzx - My whole family is asleep! - I can head for the kitchen and grab a midnight snack. yawn! - And nothing can stop me. - Except for the anti-theft device I thought honeybunch bought for the car!
dr170424 -- I need to have a word with the three of you! While you're living under my roof, I expect you to follow my rules! - I am the master! Do you understand?? What did you do know? Who knows?
dr170425 -- I am the head of the household, and you must respect my authority! - Always remember, what I say goes! Goes where? In one ear and out the other!
dr170426 -- * - Pizza delivery for Mr. Drabble- Thanks! - Package delivery for Mrs. Drabble! I'll bet we're the only house in town with a drive-thru window!
dr170427 -- My wife doesn't approve of my midnight snacking... - She's tried several methods to stop me...locks, alarms, electronic surveillance... - I can't wait to see what she tries next! click! - A guard duck? Ahh, Mr. Drabble! I've been expecting
dr170427 -- you!
dr170428 -- My wife put you here, right? If I try to move you, you'll start quacking, right? - Does she really think that will stop me from getting a midnight snack? - QUA... - 
dr170429 -- All right, fine! - Honeybunch stationed a duck in front of the fridge to thwart my midnight snacking! - There's always the pantry! - WALLY
dr170430 -- Another midnight snack, Ralph? What are you having tonight? - Cake frosting?? You're eating a can of CAKE FROSTING??! - That must have a million calories! Nope, it only has 100 calories per serving! - There are 13 servings per can! That's
dr170430 -- only 1,300 calories! - That's a lot of calories to have this late night! - Not really, because people burn about 80 calories each hour they're asleep! By the time I wake up in the morning, I will have burned them all off! - - I might have to
dr170430 -- sleep a little!
dr170501 -- munch munch - crunch munch munch - crunch crunch - I do some of my best thinking when I'm eating leftover fried chicken over the sink!
dr170502 -- YAY!! - What happened? - A grand slam. Dang! - Exciting things always seem to happen when I'm looking at my phine! Go figure!
dr170503 -- Honeybunch! What's wring?? sob - Why are you crying?? What happened?? sob - PLEASE TELL ME!! - Oh,hi. I was just listening to Josh Groban!
dr170504 -- ? - Ralph, I'm doing housework while listening to music on my iPod. - I may not hear you come in, so DO NOT STARTLE ME!!!!! * Honeybunch - Maybe I'll just drive around the block for a couple of hours!
dr170505 -- GYM -> - GYM - -> GYM - - - I always feel in shape when I leave the gym, but it never lasts for long!
dr170506 -- - - Let me guess: you're trying to imagine what he'd look like with hair. Mind your own business!
dr170507 -- YOU are! No, YOU are! - click click Sigh... - YOU are! No, YOU are! - click click click - YOU are! No, YOU are! - Sigh... WALLY - - You're the best, Wally! No, YOU are!
dr170508 -- Dinner time, Wally! - What's wrong? - Oh, all right. He won't eat until I take photo of his food!
dr170509 -- sniff - How can you be so unemotional? - I remind myself that they're just a bunch of temperamental actors who wouldn't give us the time of day in real life! - You're so much fun to go to the movies with! Thanks. Have a milk dud!
dr170510 -- Whenever I eat something spicy, my stomach gets upset. - Sometimes the only thing that can make it feel better is a huge bowl of ice cream. - That's terrible! - What do you take for that? Thai food!
dr170511 -- whirrrr! - whirrrrr! - Looks like pork chops. That's what we had for dinner last Saturday! Zoom in. Those aren't brussels sprouts, are they?
dr170512 -- Dang! Missed again! - Give me the fly-scatter! I'll take a whack at it! - I', tired of warning Patrick not to fly this thing in the house! whirrrr!
dr170513 -- Welcome! Thanks. - Hi, there! Hello! - Can I help you find something? Nope. I just came in for a light bulb! - The only time I can find someone to help me at the hardware megastore is when I don't need it!
dr170514 -- Just sign here, Ma'am! Thank you! - WE wanted to pay for brunch, mother! write write write No, it's my treat! I insist! - write write write - write write - write write write write - NOBODY takes that long to sign their name! - He means, happy
dr170514 -- mother's day and thank you! write Especially when their name is Dot Loy!!
dr170515 -- On your mark... - COME BACK HERE! skattle skattle - Get set... - COME BACK HERE! - Organizing a wiener dog race is harder than you think! What now?
dr170516 -- - sniff sniff sniff! - - What else you got? Cats are no fun to feed at the table!
dr170517 -- - - skattle skattle skattle - You don't understand the concept of "fetch", do you? One of us doesn't! WALLY
dr170518 -- My first barbecue of the year! I'm so excited! - Ralph, that's a brand-new apron. Don't spill anything on it! - Don't worry. - I'll wear a shirt over it!
dr170519 -- I love to barbecue! - How would you like your hot dog cooked, Norm? - Well, if I have a choice, I guess I'd like it slightly... - Her! Close enough!
dr170520 -- I can't do it, honeybunch! Can't do what? - I can't throw away our old Disney VHS tapes! We've had them for years! - Our grandkids might want to watch them someday! - Good luck. We don't even have a VHS player anymore! I'll store 'em with my
dr170520 -- typewriter ribbons!
dr170521 -- Aww! Look, Ralph! A chihuahua! - I LOVE chihuahuas! - sniff! - Sorry, I just couldn't resist! - I had a chihuahua when I was a little girl. I loved that dog so much! - When he died I was heartbroken. - Now every time I see one, I have to stop
dr170521 -- and play with it! - Does that mean when *I* croak, you're going to stop and play with all the old fat guys?
dr170522 -- - YUCK! This tastes TERRIBLE! - There's only one thing worse than realizing you hate the mustard you just bought... - That's realizing you have three more because you bought the economy pack at Bulk Club!
dr170523 -- Yeah, but I get a WAY better rate than that... - You just have to show how you shop! The credit card commercial can't hear you.
dr170524 -- whoosh! whoosh! - BLAM! - You can't sharpen your claws on an inflatable pool! NOW you tell me!
dr170525 -- - Did you eat something healthy before those jelly beans? - Of course! - I had some asparagus in February!
dr170526 -- - Oops! - tik! tik! tik! - A dropped jelly bean always finds it way under the stove!
dr170527 -- Hi, Echo! Would you like to join me in my spa? text text - Sure! I didn't know you had a spa! texty text tex - bubbly bubbly
dr170528 -- Hello? Hi, Ralph! It's me, No-Neck! - Would you like to come over for pizza on Saturday at six? Sure! - Can you bring dessert? Sure! - Can you come at four instead? Sure! - Can you bring the pizza, too? Sure! - Can you come at two, instead?
dr170528 -- No, I can't make it at two. - FINE, BE THAT WAY! - Tell me again why I'm friends with him. somebody has to do it!
dr170529 -- THWACK! - - I knew it was a dumb idea to bring him to the golf course! PTOO!
dr170530 -- - tappity tap tap googley google - - I promise you, this jelly bean is NOT licorice! I'll need a second opinion!
dr170531 -- - CHOMP! - OW! - I love your new chicken recipe so much, it hurts!
dr170601 -- -
dr170602 -- - - - Never open a bag of chips when Wally is filling the pool.
dr170603 -- - You're not thinking about having cookies and milk, are you? - Because our dinner will be ready in 20 minutes and I don't want you to spoil your appetite! -
dr170604 -- ROWF ROWF ROWF What's your problem? - ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF Are you trying to tell me something? - ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF Do you want me to follow you? - That's how Lassie and Rin Tin Tin always alerted their masters when something was wrong!
dr170604 -- - OK, OK, what is it? ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF - I don't see anything! - What in the world do you want? -
dr170605 -- I think I'll just have a salad. Dieting again, No-Neck? - Yeah. Every time I lose a few pounds, I gain it right back! - My weight constantly YO-YOS! - My weight just YOS!
dr170606 -- Midnight snacking AGAIN, Ralph?? - I always have trouble sleeping before a big day! - I understand. - Wait, why is tomorrow a big day? Wednesday has the most letters.
dr170607 -- Dang! - Dang it! - I give up! - It's hard to putt with a donut hole!
dr170608 -- MALL The world is in a sorry state, Norm... - Anywhere I go, everyone I see is staring down at their phone! - Really? I haven't noticed!
dr170609 -- Sniff! So sad! - How can you be so unemotional at the movies?? - For one thing, it's only the PREVIEWS! - If you can already finish a tub of popcorn, I can already be emotional!
dr170610 -- I love Mexican food! Me too! - Whoa! I'm full! - - It's a sad feeling when you're completely stuffed, but you still have some chips left!
dr170611 -- Whale Watchers STOP FOLLOWING ME!! I told you not to wear that black-and-white wetsuit!
dr170612 -- You look really good, honeybunch! - Thanks! I've been going to yoga every day! Me too! - You have?? Yeah, my punch card is nearly full! - I said YOGA, not YOGURT! I like cake batter with cookie dough on top!
dr170613 -- Dad, I got a summer job! Way to go, Norm! - I'll be working in the entertainment industry! - How'd you get the job? Let's just say I had to pull a lot of strings! - My arm's already tired!
dr170614 -- I never realized hard it is to hold balloons. - It's really uncomfortable. My arm hurts. - I can only take my mind off it by putting myself into a trance-like state! - Hi! GAH!
dr170615 -- My first customer! I want a blue one! - That'll be six dollars! Here's a $20. - OK, let's see...it's hard to make change with one hand! - $14 is your...DANG!
dr170616 -- - ...Sigh... - For a balloon salesman, there's only one thing more problematic than having a tired arm. - Men
dr170617 -- I finished the housework. - Now I'll go out and do some yardwork! - I wish I had a small fraction of you energy, honeybunch! - Good news: you do. Yes, I'm a lucky man.
dr170618 -- Oh, well...happy father's day, anyway! - At least we know we bought a sturdy hammock!
dr170619 -- He wants my ball. - He's not going to get it. I'm too smart and too fast. - I'll sit here, pretending to be half asleep, and... - See ya!
dr170620 -- - - - So close.
dr170621 -- Z - - Z He's good!
dr170622 -- I'll knock the wall. Wally will think someone is at the door. - When he starts barking, I'll steal the ball! - knock knock knock! - BARK BARK BARK BARK!
dr170623 -- Service More proof that dogs are smarter than cats... - You don't see many service kitties! Most of us work undercover!
dr170624 -- - Everyone in this family is sitting around and staring at their phone! - Fine! I'll sit and stare at my phone, too! -
dr170625 -- Course Marshal HEY, YOU! - Dogs aren't allowed on the golf course! - He's not an ordinary dog... - whack - Oh, no! Not again! - SPLASH! - He's my comfort pet! there there...
dr170626 -- They're having so much fun! I need to get a video of this! -
dr170627 -- Look, Wally! - Don't be scared of that big dog! He's a service companion! I was hiding out of embarrassment!
dr170628 -- HEY, THAT GUY JUST CUT ME OFF! - FINE! I'LL SPEED UP AND CUT HIM OFF! - THERE! WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT? HA HA HA!! - Sometimes I think I'm the only sane driver on the road!
dr170629 -- Now THIS guy cut in front of me! Well, two can play at this game! - When I catch up to him, roll down your window o I can yell at him! - No, just let him go. When a rude person speeds out of your life, don't chase after him! - OK, but how
dr170629 -- about if we just happen to end up next to him at a stoplight?
dr170630 -- Our neighbors, Chris and Heather, are selling their piano! No. - It's really cheap! Nope. - Hardly ever been used! No way. - Besides, where would we ever put it? I'm sure we could find a place!
dr170701 -- - - - How did he get between my chips and my mouth?
dr170702 -- Hey, someone put a sign in our front yard! - YES! - What have you got to say NOW? I still want you to take 'em down! WINNER of the neighborhood "People who still haven't taken down their Christmas lights" CONTEST
dr170703 -- This kitchen is atrocious! It's right out of the 1990s! It lacks charm and appeal! It needs to be completely updated! - I hate some of these home remodel shows. Especially when they update kitchens that are more modern than ours!
dr170704 -- I love the fourth of July! And we picked a good place to be for the fireworks! - Me too!
dr170705 -- BEWARE - GAAAAAAHH!!! - The sign said "Beware of Snakes", not "Beware of Little Curvy Sticks." I hate these nature hikes.
dr170706 -- Let's go to dinner at Bennett's Burger Barn! OK! - Do they have an indoor playland for kids? - Penny, you don't need to be entertained at all times! - Wait, do they have WiFi in that place?
dr170707 -- I'm not going to pilates today. How come? - My best friend in the class, Paula Polito, decided she didn't want to go anymore. - It's no fun without her. Paula Polito pulled outta pilates?
dr170708 -- Hey. S'up? - Yo! Howdy. - Hi there. How's it going? - I'm part of the fraternity of geezers who buy all their shirts at the bulk club!
dr170709 -- Can I have a bowl of ice cream, honeybunch? You don't need my permission. You're a grown man. Why would you ask me? - Don't eat ice cream! Dinner is almost ready! - I was saving that ice cream for my book club! - Ice cream at THIS time of
dr170709 -- night? You're on a diet, remember? - Forget it. I changed my mind. Train them right, then let them make their own decisions!
dr170710 -- You have a birthday coming up, dad! Don't remind me. - I understand why it's got you a little down... - You're getting older...you're not wealthy...you don't drive a cool car... - My car is kind of cool! Only because the rear window doesn't
dr170710 -- roll up!
dr170711 -- I just thought of something I'd like for my birthday! - And you're telling me NOW?? - Your birthday is TOMORROW!! Are you out of your mind?? - I mean, please tell me! The mall is open for another half-hour, you know!
dr170712 -- It's dad's birthday! Light the candles! - Great. His ice cream cake melted!
dr170713 -- I hope you like your birthday present, dad! - Yes, thanks again for the nose trimmer. - 'Again'? Did you already thank me? - Yeah, last year when you gave me the same thing! You're easy to shop for!
dr170714 -- Birthdays really aren't a lot of fun when you're my age. - They're just a reminder that my days are numbered. ...Sigh... - Don't be so morbid. Here, open a present! - What's this? A gift certificate for an estate planner!
dr170715 -- Ralph, your big birthday gift is outside! - We installed you a putting green in our backyard! - For me?? - On my day off, I may never come inside! That makes it a gift for me, too!
dr170716 -- Buffet - Soft Serve - - Stop staring! It's not as big as it looks! It's NOT?? - No, I put all the toppings on the bottom!
dr170717 -- What's going on? Hmmm... I give up. - They're trying to find dad's six-pack abs! According to this Tarzan picture, they should be around here, someplace! Wait! I think I see a couple of 'em back here!
dr170718 -- BAM! Echo and I are so much alike, but we have one big difference. - She's good at everything she does... - She just doesn't know it! Darn! - I hate it when I knock over all the pins on my first try! Now I don't get a second turn!
dr170719 -- munch munch - munch munch munch - munch munch - I like when he crams chips into his mouth because he always over-crams!
dr170720 -- I can't fall asleep! - They say reading a book can help you relax. - - Just make sure it isn't a pop-up book! Scary Critters
dr170721 -- Why did you give me two half-empty water bottles? Because they're both yours. - Sometimes you don't finish them and leave them around in the house! - It's wasteful! This one has lipstick on it! - OK, that one might be my Mother's. I'm not
dr170721 -- thirsty anymore.
dr170722 -- eeww! There's MOLD on the bread! - This bread is toast! - - I hate it when I make a hilarious joke and nobody's around to roll their eyes at it!
dr170723 -- Maybe YOU could be a service dog someday, Wally! - I alert you to intruders! ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF! - I help you eat your food! - I help control your excess water bottle population! CRUNCH - I keep your jacket warm! . I tell you when it's
dr170723 -- time to wake up! - I play with you! - I pull good stuff out of the trash that you accidentally threw away! - What do you mean, SOMEDAY??
dr170724 -- I expect to play well today, Norm! - Every ball I hit at the driving range yesterday was terrible, so I feel like I got all the bad shots out of my system. - WHACK! SPLASH! - You should've paid for the jumbo bucket!
dr170725 -- Dad, you've given me good advice over the years. - For example, you've always told me to stay on the path and things will be all right. - Maybe YOU should stay on the path! Just hold on and look for my ball!
dr170726 -- putt! - DANG! - I missed my chance for a quadruple bogey! So close!
dr170727 -- BOOF! - BOOF! - CHOP! - I'm only counting that as one stroke because it's not my fault they put a bunch of sand next to the green!
dr170728 -- Well, hello, little squirrel! - How nice is it to live on a beautiful golf course like this? - Actually, it's not all fun and games. I have to look out for errant balls and speeding carts! The food's not bad, though. Especially over at the
dr170728 -- garbage can next to the snack bar. People throw away their hot dogs because... - I have to putt now. Sorry if I talk too much, but nobody's ever asked me a question before!
dr170729 -- Regardless of how poorly you played... - If you learned something, it was a good day on the golf course! - I learned a lot! - For one thing, I never knew golf carts had airbags! Thank goodness!
dr170730 -- More DRABBLATIONS From Ralph Drabble - People in my age should not try to use emojis. I sure hope that's a happy face! - Some say my scalp is half-empty. I say it's half-full. I can see my reflection! - I am my dog's comfort pet. VET There
dr170730 -- there. - Never talk politics during a blood pressure test. - Trying not to touch the ice cream in your freezer is like trying not to look at a text message. Don't touch that! - There's no substitute for hard work, unless you have
dr170730 -- auto-correct. Hardware...hardwood... - Your dog will never 'unfriend' you! I only went to get the mail!
dr170731 -- jump jump jump jump jump jump - You really don't need to let me win all the time, but it's very sweet! Yeah, I'm quite a guy!
dr170801 -- swish! - That's H-O-R-S! Your turn! - KLUNK! - Instead of "horse", I should've challenged her to a game of "humumumumukunukuapuaa"!
dr170802 -- - KLANK! Ringer! - - CRASH! woop woop woop I knew I shouldn't have parked there!
dr170803 -- Six! Two. Dang! King! Ten. Dang! Nine! Four. Dang. - That was fun! Want to play again?  How is it even possible to win every hand of "War"?
dr170804 -- - I WON! I FINALLY BEAT YOU AT SOMETHING! WHAM! - Wait a minute...look me in the eye and tell me you did not let me win at arm wrestling. Norman, I assure you... - I did not let you win at farm rustling.. YES!!
dr170805 -- Son, one day you'll be a married man. - And there will be days when you make mistakes, and your wife will stare at you in disbelief. - On those days, remember those three little words. - "You married me!"
dr170806 -- It was a good idea to eat dinner outside in the shade! - Yeah, I can't believe how hot it's been today! - But I have good news: we're having ice cream for dessert! - Yay! I've been looking forward to it all day! - I sent Norman out to buy some
dr170806 -- this morning! - Oh, yeah...that reminds me... - I think I left it in the car!
dr170807 -- I'm headed outside to enjoy the dog days of summer! - Notice how they're not called the CAT DAYS of summer? - Obviously, dogs are more popular than cats! But cats are mor powerful! - Hence the term "CATastrophe"!
dr170808 -- - - I'll be glad when de dog days of summer are over! I thought there was water in here!
dr170809 -- ...and then Carrie called and asked if I wanted to take a walk so I said "sure" so we were walking and bumped into Kristine who joined us, so we walked past the school and saw Susan, who was on her way to the grocery store to buy ingredients
dr170809 -- for the Italian dinner she plans to make for her husband's birthday because that's his second favorite kind of food because she already made movie - - Are You Still Listening? I'm Still Listening She's getting more and more like a music
dr170809 -- streaming service!
dr170810 -- I'll be right back, Norm. Watch the steaks! - Make sure they don't burn! - Sorry, I panicked!
dr170811 -- - SPLURGLE-URGLE URGLE-URGLE!! - The last "sprurgle" is the best part of the malt! - Definitely worth waiting for! It only took you 20 seconds!
dr170812 -- Beat it, Wally! You can't come in the pool! - According to the almanac, the dog days of summer ended yesterday! - Don't I get a grace period?
dr170813 -- zzyzx! - - HEY! - Rats! Ralph, this is silly! Just find another tennis ball to play with! - That's not the point, honeybunch! I want the one HE'S got! - Ask Wally! He only wants that ball because he knows *I* want it! It's a game! We're like
dr170813 -- athletes! I don't get it! - What's not to get about this? I don't know! Seems pretty simple to... - GOT IT! HEY!! Oof! I think I pulled a hamstring!
dr170814 -- Peggy's BURGERS Hi, Stu! Hi, Elgin! Thanks for inviting me to get a bite to eat! - We thought this would be the perfect place! - Is it Taco Tuesday? Better! It's NERD NIGHT! - Nerd Night? Half-off macaroni and cheese!
dr170815 -- This pager will let you know when your table is ready! - I hate these things! - When it goes off, it makes a loud noise and vibrates! It scares me to death! - So, it's like getting a call on your cell phone? I'm not sure. No one ever calls
dr170815 -- me!
dr170816 -- This pager will go off when our table is ready! - It will vibrate and light up and make a loud noise and scare me to death! It's always so embarrassing! - Here, you hold it! No, YOU hold it! I don't want to hold it!
dr170817 -- I don't want to hold the pager! I don't either! Well, neither do... - BBBZZZZTT!!! - Your table is ready! Have a seat. I'm going to change my pants.
dr170818 -- Peggy's BURGERS Onion rings sound good, Norman! - My mom mom won't kiss my dad if he's had onion rings! - So, if there's any chance of us will be around a girl tonight, we'd better not! - What'll you have? ONION RINGS!
dr170819 -- I love the shakes here! They're so thick, you have to use a spoon! - Than it's technically not a shake. It's just ice cream! You should be able to drink a shake through a straw! - Who says?? Everyone who knows anything about shakes! - Ha! You
dr170819 -- can't even pour it over my head! Dang! - Check, please!
dr170820 -- Hey, it's the Bongo Boys! I used to have all their albums! - Why do they look so different? I don't know. They must be pretty old by now. - Why do some of them look so young? I don't know. Maybe some of them have been replaced. - Why? Did
dr170820 -- somebody die?? I don't know. - Did some of them retire? I don't know. - Why would anyone retire from a successful band? I don't know. - What are their names? I don't know. - You could just google the answers to your questions! - I'm not that
dr170820 -- interested!
dr170821 -- ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF! Wally, hush! - ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF! I said HUSH! - Don't you know what "hush" means? - I was hoping it meant "way to bark"!
dr170822 -- OK, I'm ready to go! - - - Just checking to make sure you were wearing the right-colored belt! What difference does it make?
dr170823 -- I'm going to my friend Sean's birthday party! - I get to operate the pinata! You mean you pull the rope up and down? - No, it's the 21st century, you know! - WHIRRRR! A pinata drone??
dr170824 -- Shampoo. Where would we find shampoo? - What's down this aisle? - HALLOWEEN CANDY? - It's only august! Now THAT'S scary!!
dr170825 -- Supermarket I can't believe they're already selling Halloween candy! - It's not even labor day! - That's just crazy! - Let's go get some! Why not?!
dr170826 -- Honeybunch, guess what! - The supermarket is already selling Halloween candy! Is that unbelievable or what? - What? Never mind.
dr170827 -- - BOOF! - - - - ...otherwise I would've had a birdie! I always wonder how the holes get moved!
dr170828 -- What a game! A walk-off hit! - I still maintain hope that one day, I'll get a major league walk-off hit! It'll HAVE to be a walk-off because you can't run!
dr170829 -- We had our first exam of the school year today. - How did you do? I crushed it! - Of course you did! You're a DRABBLE! - Than again, the only thing anyone in my family ever crushed was a beer can!
dr170830 -- - Oogie is the only cat I know who can catch a laser pen light!
dr170831 -- I just went to the gym, honeybunch! - I rushed home so you could feel my toned muscles! - squishy squish! - Sad. Maybe I shouldn't have stopped for a blizzard!
dr170901 -- - - - You're really not very comfortable! YOU'RE supposed to be the comfort pet!
dr170902 -- I don't mean to brag, honeybunch... - But my workout routine seems to be paying off! - Today at the gym, a woman told me I looked hot! - So, I take it they still haven't fixed the air conditioner? Nope.
dr170903 -- Once again, thank you for your parents' tour of your son's college! - Our final stop is our new "safe" room. Your son can come to this room for comfort and sympathy when he's sad or afraid. - We have crayons, teddy bears and puppies! He can
dr170903 -- snuggle a security blanket and have a good cry any time he wants! - That's nice, but shouldn't we encourage our son to deal with things like an adult? - Oh, by the way, here's the bill for his tuition this semester. - Would you like a fruit
dr170903 -- snack? lick! lick! lick!
dr170904 -- HOT SIDEWALK! HOT! HOT! Hoo! Hoo! - Grass! Ahhhhhh!! - - FAKE GRASS! HOT! HOT! HOT! * * +
dr170905 -- Reading helps me fall asleep. - Let's see. Where did I leave off last night? - Oh, yeah, page 32. - ZZYZX!! He's been reading the same book for six years!
dr170906 -- WALLY ZZYZY! - I like it when Wally's feet move when he's asleep! - It means he's dreaming he's running! - And sometimes he dreams he's riding in a car with his head out the window!
dr170907 -- I love riding in the car! I love the wind in my face! - I have no idea where we're going or why! - - Fortunately, we didn't stop at the vet's office!
dr170908 -- You know, Steinbauer... - I was just watching a home makeover show and it started me thinking... - Good for you, Ralph. - You should've turned on one of those shows 40 years ago!
dr170909 -- Don't eat that! It's CAT FOOD! - How can you tell that it's cat food? Cat food has a distinct aroma that appeals to finicky cats! - What makes YOU think it's DOG FOOD? That's easy! - EVERYTHING is dof food! scarf! scarf!
dr170910 -- Look, Ralph! They*re having a free concert in the park tonight! - I could pack a picnic basket, and we could even invite my mother! - What do you think? Sounds great! - And when you come home, you can tell me all about it! - SIGH Just kidding!
dr170910 -- - You don't have to tell me about it!
dr170911 -- I admire service dogs! - Some are obviously better trained than others!
dr170912 -- - Beep beep. - - Our hallway needs a passing line.
dr170913 -- You really don't need to go to BACK-TO-SCHOOL NIGHT, dad! - Don't be silly, son! Back-to-School-Night is very important to me! - I wouldn't miss the opportunity to beat all the other dads at tetherball! BAM!
dr170914 -- Parents, we appreciate your attendance at cack.to.school night, and furthermore... Z - BAP! - Z - DRABBLE DID IT!!
dr170915 -- Sorry I'm late. How was back-to-school night? - Your teacher sent me to the principal's office. Oh no! - Steinbauer framed me! He shot a spit-wad and made it look like *I* did it! - I did, however, put a whoopee cushion on Steinbauer's chair!
dr170915 -- How much would it cost to change my name?
dr170916 -- HIKE! - - BOP! - OW! You can take off the eclipse glasses now!
dr170917 -- HOT GROUND! HOT! HOT! - Ahhh! - OWIE! OWIE! OWIE! - Whoo! - HOO! HOO! HOO! - Whew! Almost there! - Why not just put on shoes when you go to get the mail? Too much work!
dr170918 -- It's slow-and-go through the orange crush, and there's a sig alert at the El Toro "Y". - Looky-loo slowing in the oh-zone, and a major backup through the spaghetti bowl. - Avoid side streets and take the flim-flam into the downtown slot. - I
dr170918 -- should go to night school and learn to speak "Traffic Reporterese"!
dr170919 -- I think I figured out why fans have to go through scanners to get into the ball park... - They want to know how much money we all brought with us! WATER $7.50 POPCORN $8.00
dr170920 -- I like it! Old Guys Rule - Thanks for the shirt, honeybunch! You're welcome! - Here's my grocery list. Will you go to the store for me? Uhh...sure. - What do we rule over, exactly? Beats me.
dr170921 -- Norman! I was just thinking of you! Really, Wendy?? - Yeah, I was driving on the freeway and I saw a plastic grocery bag flying around... - Then it got stuck underneath a car. That's so annoying! There's just nothing you can do to get rid of
dr170921 -- it! - Anyway, it reminded me of you! Thanks.
dr170922 -- rake rake rake rake - WHIRRRRRRR! - Happy first day of fall, Ralph!
dr170923 -- WHIRRRRRRRRRR! - Why go to the trouble of dusting when you have a leaf-blower?
dr170924 -- Hoo! HOT! HOT! - Darn! No mail! - I walked barefoot on the hot cement all the way to the mailbox, for NOTHING! - What did you expect, Ralph? It's Sunday! - Oh, yeah, huh. And now you have to walk all the way back and burn your feet again! -
dr170924 -- GUBER I just need you to drive me three doors down!
dr170925 -- Dad and Mr. Steinbauer are having a leafblower war! - Mr. Steinbauer keeps blowing his leaves into your yard, and dad keeps blowing them back! - Who's winning? It's a stalemate.
dr170926 -- Dad, can I borrow the car keys? Can't you see I'm having a leaf-blower war?? - No problem! I'll just reach into your pocket and get them! NO! WAIT! I'M TICKL... - VICTORY! ...ish! Thanks!
dr170927 -- Why are you just lying there? You're supposed to be exercising! I'm not just lying here! I'm resting between reps! - You've been resting for two hours! I'm almost ready to don another ten sit-ups!
dr170928 -- PEEK-A-BOO! - I SEE YOU! - Dad's weird. Tell me about it! HI, KIDS!
dr170929 -- Dang! My new shoes gave me a blister, but the only bandages we have left are the little round ones! - I'll have to get creative... - How come dad is wearing a "no snore" strip on his toe? Maybe his foot's asleep!
dr170930 -- Get your video camera ready... - BOOM-SHAKA-LAKA!! - And you didn't think I could slamdunk? I'll edit out the 16 seconds it took to climb the ladder!
dr171001 -- We'll be back in a few hours! - He always looks so sad when we leave him! - I know. I can't stand that pathetic look on his face! - Sometimes it helps to distract him with food and then sneak out. That might work! - Here are some treats! -
dr171001 -- Thanks, honeybunch! I'll bet he practices that look in the mirror!
dr171002 -- TRICK OR TREAT! - It's the first week of October! - We came early because you always eat all the Halloween candy before we get here! - I know! Next year, try to get here before Labor Day!
dr171003 -- I bought more Halloween candy! - I just need to hide it where your dad won't find it! - I know where! - Under the sink!
dr171004 -- Mornin', dad! Listen to this, Norm... - Instead of a security code, new phones will be unlocked by face recognition! - Do you know what that means? - It means your mom won't be able to unlock her phone before ten A.M.! ...Yawn...
dr171005 -- Honeybunch, remember when I mentioned those new smartphones... - The ones that will rely on facial recognition to be unlocked? Yes. - That could be a problem for you. Why? - Heidi Klum will be able to unlock your phone! Nice try.
dr171006 -- Hi, Ralph! Hello, No-Neck! - Did you hear that Los Angeles will host the Olympics in 2028? Yes. - The good news is I have a ticket to the opening ceremony! That's great! - The bad news is, I have to leave now to allow for traffic!
dr171007 -- Dad, your wallet is too fat! It's probably full of stuff you don't need anymore. - Like a punch card for the Healthy Rice Bowl Restaurant! Ten punches and I get a free one! I find it hard to believe you're going to eat more healthy rice bowls
dr171007 -- in your lifetime!
dr171008 -- I'm sleepy and tired, but I still feel wired! - Hey, that rhymed! I'm a poet and I didn't know it! - I'm sleepy and tired, but I still feel wired! And now I'm inspired! - I'd like to read my book. Can you be quiet now? And how! - No need to
dr171008 -- weep like a weeping willow. I'll be fast asleep when my head hits the pillow! - WAP! * - My head did not hit the pillow, the pillow hit my head! Now I'm wide awake, for heaven's sake! One of us may need a different bed!
dr171009 -- October is neat! It has so much going for it! - Baseball, football, hockey and basketball... - It's fun, exciting and pretty! - If you were a month, you'd be October!
dr171010 -- "Dancing with the Stars" voted off the wrong contestant last night! - I'm still upset about it! Did you vote? - No. I never vote. Why not? - I'm afraid I get called to jury duty!
dr171011 -- Most people rake leaves into piles. - Patrick rakes them into works of art!
dr171012 -- Would you like to buy a grocery bag? - No! I refuse to pay for something that used to be free! - How are you going to carry all these tomatoes! - Fortunately, I have a background in juggling!
dr171013 -- Hi, dad! Good morning, son! I'm making a peanut butter sandwich for my lunch... - Want me to make one for you, too? - I can't. My college is a "nut-free" zone! - Not from what I hear!
dr171014 -- rake rake rake - I don't know which trash can is more full... - The one full of leaves... - Or the one full of dad's Halloween candy wrappers!
dr171015 -- It's midnight snack time! - Snacks! Leftovers! Desserts! Treats! - Sorry, Wally. I'm not hungry for a midnight snack after all. WHAT?! - I need to take better care of myself! - I owe it to my family. - Thanks for understanding! - - That's OK.
dr171015 -- I don't mind dinning alone once in a while!
dr171016 -- ROWF! ROWF! ROWF! - WALLY! STOP BARKING!! - I wasn't barking! - I was just thinking out loud!
dr171017 -- Sorry my leaves got blowing into your yard, Ralph! - 2004 Receipts WHIRR - Sorry my paper shreddings got blown into your yard, Steinbauer!
dr171018 -- - rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf!! - grrr! - Am I good or what?
dr171019 -- I barked at a falling leaf and it stopped falling! - Now it's like a STARING contest! - - Don't expect your friends to help you!
dr171020 -- I braked at this falling leaf and he stopped falling! - Now we're having a staring contest! - bop! Hey! What the... - DUMB CAT!
dr171021 -- Dad, I just read an autobiography. - At the end of the book, it has a section called "about the author". - I guess I could've just skipped the book and read that! Right, dad? - Dad? Sorry. I'm still trying to process that you just read an
dr171021 -- autobiography!
dr171022 -- A smaller one would be cheaper, Norm! We all want a big one, dad! - That one's gonna cost a FORTUNE! - Hey, go over to aisle 9 and pick out a bag of Halloween candy! OK! - The old switcheroo! - - They're handing out free pizza samples on
dr171022 -- aisle 5! Sweet! I'll be right back! - OK, now let's check out before he wises up!
dr171023 -- Can we buy one, dad? No. - We already bought a pumpkin, Penny! - We already bought Halloween candy, too, but you keep buying more of that! That's different. Wait, what` We can't understand you with a mouthful of kitkats!
dr171024 -- Chips - ZOOM! SNARF! - Boy, you're fast! I have to be! crunch crunch - The "3 Second" rule is 0.40 seconds in dog years!
dr171025 -- How can I help? Beat it, Wally! Th pipes are leaking again. - No problem! I'll just drink it! lap lap lap lap! - WILL YOU GET OUT OF HERE!! - I guess some people like to work alone! WALLY
dr171026 -- Wally sure loves to ride in the car! I like how his ears flap around! - Even with the windows rolled up! He's a weird dog.
dr171027 -- I can't think of what to be for Halloween. I've already BEEN everything! - Most people my age don't have this problem because they don't go trick-or-treating anymore. - But I'll think of something! I refuse to give up! I couldn't be prouder
dr171027 -- of you, son! - I tried and I just couldn't.
dr171028 -- Mornin', kids! What's with the cap? - It's my "Saturday Morning" cap! - I don't need to get cleaned up for work, so I wear a cap so you don't have to look at my unkempt hair! - It's not like you have much left to worry about! Maybe you should
dr171028 -- put the cap over the bathroom sink instead. ...Sigh... The thanks I get!
dr171029 -- The kids in the neighborhood can consider themselves warned! A WORD TO THE WISE IF YOU WANT YOUR SWEETS COME EARLY IN DISGUISE BEFORE DAD EATS ALL THE TREATS
dr171030 -- That was the lousiest corn maze ever! - HELP!
dr171031 -- Trick or treat! You're tall! - How old are you? It is now illegal to ask trick-or-treaters their age. - It's punishable by a fine and/or imprisonment. OK. here. - I never know what to believe anymore. These candy bars were much bigger back in
dr171031 -- the day.
dr171101 -- Happy anniversary, honeybunch! Thank you, Ralph! - 23 years ago today, I said those two little words.., - "What on earth have I gotten myself into?" - Those are eight words. Two of them are little.
dr171102 -- Well, you've been a good Jack-o-Lantern. - I'll miss you! - You've been like a member of the family. - I won't say which one! Why are you talking to a pumpkin?
dr171103 -- ARF! - OK, here! - SNARF! - He puts the "arf" in "snarf." crunch crunch!
dr171104 -- Am I wrinkled? - No more than the average person your age! - I mean...did you mean... -
dr171105 -- PUNT! - - - - - - POP! - Why did you do that?? He had it coming!
dr171106 -- You can certainly tell it's November! - The nights have really cooled off! - Where's our electric blanket? - WALLY zzyzx Z
dr171107 -- - - POP! - I was going to kick that! Glad I could save you the trouble!
dr171108 -- I bought a new football. - Just because I'm going to kick it and throw it doesn't mean I don't like it! - So please don't attack it and pop it! grrr! - Maybe you should just go back inside! I'm telling you, that thing is alive!
dr171109 -- PUNT! - rowf rowf rowf rowf! - WALLY, NOOO! - THUMP! Lucky bounce! ?
dr171110 -- I just thought of another reason why dogs are better than cats! - There are dog parks all over town... - But no cat parks! - Our whole house is a cat park! pick pick claw claw!
dr171111 -- ...23...24.. - 25! - Not to brag, but I just won 25 tickets! - Good job, Norman!
dr171112 -- No wonder your car always smells so good, dad! I save a fortune on air fresheners! Take-out pizza works too, but Chinese food is easier to hang on the rear view mirror! Now I know why he takes the long way home!
dr171113 -- Z Coming to a nightmare near you... - The CREATED him...then they THREW HIM AWAY! - Or did they? - Ralph Drabble's Nightmare presents...THE RETURN OF THE ABOMINABLE PUMPKINMAN
dr171114 -- The Return of THE ABOMINABLE PUMPKINMAN - Our story begins three weeks ago with an innocent visit to the pumpkin farm... - ...but events quickly turned horrifying!
dr171115 -- The Return of THE ABOMINABLE PUMPKINMAN - Dr. von Drabble and his hapless assistant carry out their plans in the laboratory. - Soon, the pumpkins are transformed into... - The Abominable Pumpkinman!
dr171116 -- The Return of THE ABOMINABLE PUMPKINMAN - On Halloween night, the Abominable Pumpkinman terrorized the neighborhood children. - But the next morning he was cast aside, never to be heard from again. - ...or so they thought! knock knock knock!
dr171116 -- ?
dr171117 -- The Return of THE ABOMINABLE PUMPKINMAN - When Ralph peered through the peep hole, he saw no one there! Suddenly he remembered... knock knock - 3 weeks ago, he had thrown away the Abominable Pumpkinman! Could it be...? - knock knock knock You
dr171117 -- answer it! No way!
dr171118 -- The Return of THE ABOMINABLE PUMPKINMAN - 3 weeks after Halloween, he feared a familiar face had returned to seek revenge. His worst fears were about to be realized! knock knock knock - Happy thanksgiving! AAAAHH!! - Don't tell me you had
dr171118 -- another nightmare about my mother! I was hoping it was just the Abominable Pumpkinman!
dr171119 -- It's time for my yearly tradition... - I will attempt to kick a field goal from the same distance as my age! - That was no problem when I was in my 20s and 30s. - At what age will I no longer be able to do it? - The year I can do it, I'm
dr171119 -- officially an old man! - Here goes! - YEEEEEEOOHW! BOOT! - * * I made it! I'm still young! ** It might be time to start trying to BOWL your age, instead!
dr171120 -- WHIRRRRRRRRR! ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF - WHIRRRRRRRRRR!
dr171121 -- Have a good day at school, son! - By the way, what's the ribbon pin for? - It's Lack-of-Awareness Awareness Day! - I forgot I had it on! You're the perfect spokesman.
dr171122 -- Tomorrow is my favorite day, Penny... - Most people have grown up thinking it's just a day of parades and football. - But I grew up thinking of it as something more. Me too.. - Black Friday Eve!
dr171123 -- I love coming up north to spend thanksgiving at Uncle Jim's farm! - It's a weekend reunion of family and old friends! - I love the joyous sounds of children at play! - Although it gets a little competitive when the adults play! THAT'S PASS
dr171123 -- INTERFERENCE ON GRANDMA!!
dr171124 -- Isn't it wonderful of uncle Jim and aunt Barbara to invite the entire family to their farm every thanksgiving? I guess... - The only thing I don't like about family reunions is that my relatives always show up! beep beep!
dr171125 -- Thanksgiving weekend at Uncle Jim's farm is filled with tradition... - Wednesday night is the kid's talent show, Thursday is turkey and football, Friday is game night... - And Saturday night is when he shows his vacation photos. I think he's
dr171125 -- just trying to get rid of us at some point! - ...and here we are at some other cool place...
dr171126 -- We have a long drive home from uncle Jim's house. Let me share the driving, Ralph! OK! Thanks! - chirp chirp Will you please read the text I just got? - It's from your friend Dottie. "Hi, June! How was your thanksgiving?" - Text her back for
dr171126 -- me. Say we had a fabulous time and the food was yummy! - And add a happy face emoji with hearts! - ...Sigh... And then add a turkey emoji and a slice of cake emoji, followed by a pig face and more hearts. - Stop the car. It's my turn to
dr171126 -- drive! We're not even out of uncle Jim's driveway!
dr171127 -- The doctor sent me in to take your blood pressure. - Uhh...let's see now... - SHOOKA SHOOKA SHOOKA - You've never done this before, have you?
dr171128 -- There! Your family has all received their flu shots! Thanks, doc. - Thanks for your patients! - Get it? PATIENTS instead of PATIENCE! - See, I'm a doctor, and you're my...oh, forget it!
dr171129 -- I'm trying a new recipe for dinner! - I watched them make it on the Food Channel! - ...sigh... What's wrong? - I watched them remodel a bathroom on the Do-It-Yourself channel, but it doesn't mean *I* should go try it!
dr171130 -- I'm hungry. - Unfortunately, everyone's busy decorating for Christmas! - Fine, I'll just sit here until they... - Notice me.
dr171201 -- I'm almost done decorating for Christmas already! - Last year I took a photo of all my decorations. - So this year I know exactly where to put everything! It saved so much time! - You've been decorating since October. I know! I used to start
dr171201 -- in august!
dr170202 -- Hmmm... - Looks to me like I'm down at least a pound and a half this morning! - YES! - It might be more accurate to weigh yourself! Guesstimating is less scary!
dr170203 -- I'm telling you, when I put those lights away in January, I wound then neatly! - I think your memory might be a little fuzzy, dad! - Yeah, especially because you didn't put them away until august! - I guess we won't be winning the neighborhood
dr170203 -- lighting contest this year! Maybe they'll have a "least inspirational" award! I'm sure the badgers had something to do with this!
dr171204 -- I love delivering cookies to our friends this time of year! - It's just odd that no one has been home tonight, Weill it IS December! They could be out shopping! - No, my friends are just like me. They finished their shopping in October! Oh
dr171204 -- yeah, huh. - Maybe they're all out doing their Valentine's Day shopping! Now that's a possibility!
dr171205 -- Gee, there seems to be a lot of cars in front of the Smiths' home! - Just wait here. I'll take the Christmas cookies to their door! - No wonder none of our friends are home tonight. The Smiths are having a party. - ...a party that WE WEREN'T
dr171205 -- INVITED TO!
dr171206 -- The reason none of our friends are home tonight is because the Smiths are having a party! - A party we obviously weren't invited to! I just left the cookies on the porch and ran back to the car! - I was MORTIFIED! - We have no friends! Does
dr171206 -- that men we can eat the rest of the cookies?
dr171207 -- Honeybunch, if we didn't get invited to a party, it's because of ME, not you! - I'm not a popular guy! It doesn't reflect on YOU! - I'm not the life of the party because I'm not a good conversationalist! - Although that could be because I can
dr171207 -- never get a word in edgewise!
dr171208 -- I got a text from the Smiths thanking us for the cookies... - They asked us why we never r.v.s.p.'d to their party invitation! Ralph, you get the mail...did you see an invitation? - Wait...did it have a picture of a wreath and say "you're
dr171208 -- invited to the Smiths' for holiday cheer! Please r.s.v.p."? - Sounds about right. Sorry, it doesn't ring a bell!
dr171209 -- YOU THREW OUT OUR INVITATION TO THE SMITHS' PARTY?? Possibly... - I may not have realized it was an invitation! - I probably thought it was just another Christmas card! - YOU THROW AWAY OUT CHRISTMAS CARDS?? Hey, I have an idea! Let's all go
dr171209 -- caroling or something!
dr171210 -- I'm so glad you could come over today! Can we turn on the football game, gramma? - Sure! I'll do it because this remote is kind of tricky! What channel? 1011 - Channel 1-0-1-1... - There! Is that it? No, that's channel 1101 You have to push
dr171210 -- the buttons kind of fast. - OK, let's try again... Now you're on 1110! - Let's see here... Now it's 1111! - 0001 0101! 1001! - This remote is almost as hard to work as my cell phone! Now I understand why gramma only watches channel 2!
dr171211 -- Christmas shopping isn't as exciting as it used to be. - DING DONG! HE'S HERE!! - Delivery for Mrs. Drabble! - I mean, IT'S here! Now, what were you saying? Never mind!
dr171212 -- - skattle skattle skattle - skattle skattle skattle skattle - 
dr171213 -- ** And a partridge in a pear tree! * - OK, bye! Facetime caroling is good, but I miss going door-to-door! Can we sit down to do this?
dr171214 -- - - What? I guess it's better than needing a walker!
dr171215 -- Still no presents for me under the tree! - What's up with that?? - Relax. We just haven't wrapped them yet. - Oh, OK. ...or bought 'em!
dr171216 -- Oh, honeybunch! - OUCH! OW!! rip pick scratch rip shred - - BAP! Stupid cat!
dr171217 -- This ice cream makes me cold just looking at it! - Hold this while I put on my jacket! - Thank you. Now let's take a selfie! - - OK, now take a picture of me in front of the ice cream shop! - - Hurry up and eat that! It's dripping all over
dr171217 -- the place!
dr171218 -- I have more proof that dogs are better than cats! - There*'s a dog mentioned in almost every Christmas song! - Oh yeah? Name one song with a dog in it! - "Mele COLLIE-Kimaka."
dr171219 -- There are more Christmas songs with dogs in them than cats! - "Angles and SHEPHERDS," "WIENER Wonderland," "Oh Little HOUND of Bethlehem"... - There are lots of Christmas songs about cats, too! Name one.. - Besides "Fleas Navidad". skritch
dr171219 -- skritch skritch
dr171220 -- Cats are in just as many Christmas songs as dogs are! Prove it! - * On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me... ** - * SIX HIMALAYANS ** * FIVE GOLDEN RETRIEVERS **
dr171221 -- * "Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens"... * - See? Cats are mentioned in Christmas songs far more than dogs! - "Bells on BOBTAIL Ring"... "Here comes Santa CLAWS"...try to top that! - "It's the hap-PUPPIEST time of the year." Dang!
dr171222 -- What are you doing? - I'm giving our Christmas tree another drink! - He sure drinks a lot of water! - What if he has to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night?
dr171223 -- Ralph, please take this plate of cookies to the Steinbauers next door! - munch munch - munch munch munch - Merry Christmas, Steinbauer! Here's a plate of cookie!
dr171224 -- SANTA! Merry Christmas, Ralph! - Wow, you look GREAT! I've been on a new diet! - I cut out carbs and sugar! I just eat lots of meat and protein. - You just eat MEAT? Yeah, checkout these abs! - I guess the lighter load makes it easier on
dr171224 -- your reindeer, right? - You still have the reindeer, don't you? - DON'T YOU?? Let's just say I have to take Uber now. - zzz NO!! zzzzz I don't really mind when he falls asleep in church, but it's embarrassing when he has nightmares!
dr171225 -- IT'S CHRISTMAS MORNING!! - Santa filled our stockings! And he ate our cookies! - And the reindeer ate the carrots we left for them! - And he left presents for us under the tree! You can put your ears down now! How did I not notice??
dr171226 -- You know, Norman, I'm beginning to think you're kind of cute. - REALLY?? No. - I had to ask.
dr171227 -- Wendy, would you like to spend New Year's Eve with me? - No. How about New Year's eve eve? - No. How about New Year's eve eve eve? - No. How about Taco Tuesday?
dr171228 -- It's cold in this house! - I'm going to wear dad's sweatpants! - -
dr171229 -- - hop! - Oops! - Hey, the TV frooze! What happened? I "pawswed" it!
dr171230 -- I have a new Twitter page, Ralph! - I'll post my thoughts and observations throughout the day! - I'm sure you'll want to follow me! You bet I will, Steinbauer! - I'll follow him just so I can UNfollow him!
dr171231 -- - ...Yawn... -Z - ZZYZX!! - ZZXZXX - It's not fair, Ralph! Before I can go to sleep, I have to take off my make-up, put my hair in curlers, do my exercises, and read a book until I get sleepy! - All YOU have to do is flop into bed and start
dr171231 -- snoring! - You're right, honeybunch! That isn't fair! - ZZYZX! The sooner you realize life isn't fair, the better off you are!
dr180101 -- It's 12:01, and nothing weird has happened so far this year! - It's 12:02, and nothing weird has happened so far this year! - It's 12:03, and nothing weird has happened so far this year! - Has it? Just don't look at Twitter!
dr180102 -- skattle skattle skattle - skattle skattle - Just getting my morning exercise... skattle skattle - I ran a lap around Ralph! You must be exhausted.
dr180103 -- WALLY - "BARK! THE HERALD ANGELS SING!" - That's another Christmas song with a dog in it! - It's January! We're not talking about that anymore. I know, but I just thought of it and couldn't wait until December!
dr180104 -- I can't decide which of these pictures of us to frame, Ralph... - You look good in this one, but I look a tad heavy. - I look good in that one, but you look like a water buffalo with a hangover. - Let me guess... That wasn't so hard after all!
dr180105 -- TRACK MEET AHEAD - EXPECT RELAYS
dr180106 -- Do you feel better this morning, Ralph? - You're starting to look like your old self! - That's the problem... - I'd rather look like my middle-age self!
dr180107 -- SNARF! - SNARF! - SNARF! - SNARF! SNARF! - snarf! snarf! snarf! snarf! snarf! snarf! - He's a weird dog, but he saves me a lot of snow shoveling!
dr180108 -- - Sorry, Wally. It isn't baseball season yet. - Sprint training is still six weeks away. - I feel like Punxsutawney Phil!
dr180109 -- Z - PLOP! - - Sorry. Sit down like a dog. Circle a few times first!
dr180110 -- Z - - HEADS UP!! - Sometimes I just need to remind you who's boss in this house!You mean the cat?
dr180111 -- Hey, where's the "Enter" key? - Right there. Where? - POOF! - Oh, there it is! Every once in a while, you need to brush your hair off the keyboard!
dr180112 -- It's cold in the house! - ? - - Get out of my sweatpants!
dr180113 -- Why do dachshunds have long noses? - so they can root out badgers. - ...and food that falls between the couch cushions! I smell a cheeto!
dr180114 -- - ...Sigh... - OK, give me the ball! - EWWW! It's all SLOBBERY! - Yecch! - That's one way to make sure he throws it!
dr180115 -- Now that I have you altogether, I'd like to discuss a matter of great importance... - I enjoy lounging in the sunshine, but there is not enough sun coming through the windows this time of year! - I expect this problem to be corrected by
dr180115 -- tomorrow. Thank you. Why do cats like to sit and stare at us? Who knows?
dr180116 -- Z - Z - Animals sure pick stupid places to sleep! - Z
dr180117 -- Please silence your cell phones and refrain from talking during the movie! - Do they really need to tell people not to talk during the movie? - What other things should we refrain from? Laughing? Snoring? Eating popcorn too loud? - Please
dr180117 -- refrain from talking, sir! Sorry!
dr180118 -- It's cold in this house! - I'm warm! Good idea! - - Bad idea. * * * 
dr180119 -- What's that? - What's what? Behind you? - I don't see anything! ...Sigh... - Do you think I have eyes in the back of my head??
dr180120 -- skattle skattle skattle - Sorry, wally. Humans don't like to play with wrapping paper tubes! - - I GOT IT! I GOT IT! NYAAH-NEE-NYAAH!
dr180121 -- Where are you taking me for our anniversary dinner, Ralph? - Guess, honeybunch! Well, let's see... - I'd say that little Chinese restaurant we went to on our first date! - You're absolutely right! - Really?? You're pretty romantic after all!
dr180121 -- - Unless, of course, you just now decided to take me to wherever I guessed first. Guess where we're going after that!
dr180122 -- Dang! They're not in this drawer, either! - I have three pairs of sunglasses, and I can't find ANY of them! That's OK. I may not be letting you out of the house today!
dr180123 -- Let's go to that new restaurant again! Dad doesn't like that place. Why not? He says the food makes him sick! - He always complains of indigestion. And he gets a weird look on his face! - You're officially a dad when your family talks about
dr180123 -- you like you're not there. He always has that weird look on his face!
dr180124 -- - sniff sniff sniff! - wag wag wag - I'm a dog person!
dr180125 -- - - Service Dog - I always show respect for a dog in uniform!
dr180126 -- It's a TALL world Row one, please. - I hate riding in these amusement park boats. - My side always seems to tilt for some reason!
dr180127 -- Look, dad! They gave me a button because this is my FIRST VISIT to this amusement park! Think of all the fun things you're gonna experience! - Long lines, long waits, overcrowding, breakdowns, exorbitant prices, tired feet...
dr180128 -- COASTER ...so then aunt Myrna said to cousin Wilma... - "Don't ever bring that dog to MY house!" - Grandma, the line is moving again! - - ...so then cousin Wilma said... - "Fine! He doesn't want to go there, anyway!" Grandma, the line is
dr180128 -- moving again! It's always fun to come to the amusement park with my mother-in-law! ...sigh...
dr180129 -- Yawn - - YAHH!! - I'm in the autumn of my years, and every morning it's Halloween!
dr180130 -- Hi, No-Neck! I haven't seen you since you retired and became a self-published author! - How it your book selling? - Well, I don't mean to brag, but according to the sales rankings, my book is currently #1,825,716! - I didn't know there were
dr180130 -- that many books on Earth! Dang! It just dropped to #2,000,001!
dr180131 -- Look, Ralph! My self-published book just shot up in the sales rankings! - It went from #2,000,001 all the way up to 1,997,099! - Congratulations! Not many authors could say that! - Or would want to! At this rate, I'll crack the top ten in
dr180131 -- only 62 years!
dr180201 -- Have you ordered one of my books, Ralph? - Well, uh...not yet, No-Neck! - What's it about? It's an autobiography. - It's about cars? Good. I thought it was about you!
dr180202 -- Beat it, Wally! - Stop following me everywhere! - Today is Groundhog Day. If Punxsutawney Phil sees his shadow it means six more weeks of winter! - I've certainly been seeing MY shadow today!
dr180203 -- Daddy, tomorrow is my best friend Lauren's birthday! On Super Bowl Sunday? Poor kid! - It may be Super Bowl Sunday, to you, but to the rest of the world, it's Lauren's birthday! - I'm giving her a soccer ball! I hop she can't guess what it is!
dr180203 -- - I'll wrap another sheet of paper around it so she can't see through! Couldn't hurt!
dr180204 -- - Hi, Jan! Hi, Bill! Hi, Ralph! Hi, June! - How come you're not home watching the Super Bowl? - We're recording it! - I'll watch it later and zap out the commercials! - And then I'll watch it and zap out the game! Just don't zap out the
dr180204 -- snacks!
dr180205 -- - sniff sniff sniff - slurpy slurp slurp - WALLY, NO!!!
dr180206 -- WALLY, STOP THAT! - STAY OUT OF THE TRASH! - COME BACK WITH THAT BALL! - Hi, Wally! Thank goodness people have short memories!
dr180207 -- You dump dog. - Don't you have enough sense to come in out of the rain? - You're out here, too! - The reason cats will inherit the earth.
dr180208 -- It's freezing in the house! - Hey, where are my sweatpants?! -
dr180209 -- Help me with the sandbags, Norm! - Our house is leaky and the weather man is predicting floods! - There! - Maybe you should've put them around the HOUSE!
dr180210 -- RING! Let the answering machine get it! - Hello! This is an important recorded message by some home loan company. - We are calling at dinnertime because we think you're home and maybe one of your kids will accidentally pick up. - We hope you
dr180210 -- are very trusting, too. At least they're honest!
dr180211 -- Come on, Wally! We have to go outside for a walk! - I know it's raining, but you still need to go! - I understand that you don't like to get wet. - But dad said you need to go for a walk, so we're going for a walk! - How can we do this so you
dr180211 -- won't mind so much? -
dr180212 -- I never know what kind of Valentine's card to pick for your mom. - You've been married a long time, so give her the mushiest card you can find! - I haven't known Echo for long, so I'm giving her a NON-mushy card: "Have a nice Valentine's
dr180212 -- Day." - That should get you a nice handshake! Anything mushier than that and she might try to kiss me!
dr180213 -- I like this card you picked out for Echo: "Have a nice Valentine's Day"! - You can't give that card to Mom! She needs a mushier Valentine! Try this... - That's the mushiest card they have! It says everything mom would like to hear! - She'll
dr180213 -- have no doubt you worship the ground she walks on! - If not, I'll be SLEEPING on the ground she walks on!
dr180214 -- For Valentine's Day, I gave Echo a very non-mushy card. I don't want her to get the wrong idea. - But I picked out an EXTREMELY mushy card for dad to give mom! - How do you like your card, honeybunch? "Have a nice Valentine's Day"? That's
dr180214 -- it??! Uh-oh... - * * sniff! *
dr180215 -- I came by to thank you for the lovely Valentine's card! - I never knew the depth of your feelings for me! Who knew you were so romantic?! - I always thought we were whatever, but I can see now you think of us as FORever! - I may have
dr180215 -- accidentally just gotten engaged! Thanks again for mixing up our Valentine cards!
dr180216 -- Market I'd like to return this Valentine's card. Return it??! - It didn't work. My wife didn't like it and it just got me in trouble. - Who ever heard of returning a Valentine's card?? - Hello. I'd like to return this Valentine's card I bought
dr180216 -- for my husband. It was too nice.
dr180217 -- - tap tap tap - tap tap tappity tap - How do you turn up the brightness on books?
dr180218 -- Come on, baby! Just make a free throw! - You can do it! Nice and easy... - KLANK! DANG! DANG! DANG!! - Ralph, don't get so upset about sports! - It's just a game! Life goes on! - The players are doing their best. Sometimes you win, sometimes
dr180218 -- you... - KLANK! OH, COME ON! MY GRANDMA CAN MAKE A FREE THROW!!!
dr180219 -- Norman, I can't tell you how much I loved your valentine's card! - I think I need to tell Echo that my dad and I got our cards mixed up! - No! Don't say a word!! - Yeah, keep quiet! See? Even HE'S not that dumb!
dr180220 -- Echo, about that mushy Valentine's card I gave you... - NO!! Don't tell her it was the wrong card!! - I meant every word of it! - Whew! It's sad when your "dumb self" is smarter than your actual self!
dr180221 -- - Doesn't your kite need a string? Not if you have a drone and some tape!
dr180222 -- I love this time of year... - Everyone's thoughts turn to baseball as players start arriving for spring training! - SSKKRRAKK - Almost everyone. The NHL playoffs start in six weeks, eh!
dr180223 -- Why are you suddenly into ice hockey, Patrick? - I watched a game on TV and I couldn't believe how fun it was! - Hockey is a combination of speed, skill, and utter insanity! - How can you not love a bunch of guys flying around with sticks in
dr180223 -- their hands and blades on their feet? Watch the carpet, please!
dr180224 -- Church can sure be boring! - How is a kid supposed to sit still for a whole hour?! - I just pretend I'm in the penalty box!
dr180225 -- Whew! All this yard work is starting to hurt my back a little, honeybunch! - Well then don't sit around and watch me in that little chair!
dr180226 -- PUTT ! - - TOK ! - There are no goalies in golf, Patrick!
dr180227 -- NO EVENT PARKING - If there's no event, why would we need to park? Let's just listen to the radio, OK, Norm?
dr180228 -- See how much better our bedroom looks with this chair in the corner... - Instead of that ugly exercise bike with your clothes thrown all over it? - Yes, it's very nice, honeybunch! -
dr180301 -- I love march! - The weather turns warm, the leaves grow back, and baseball begins! - I also love October! How come? - The weather turns cool, the leaves fall off, and baseball ends!
dr180302 -- Here are my sheets, mom! - Thank you, Patrick. - How many times have I told you not to sleep in your hockey skates?
dr180303 -- Wow, honeybunch! You're looking... - Oops! I just remembered I'm never allowed to tell you that you look thinner... - Because that implies that you looked heavier before! - So forget it! You're sounding smarter!
dr180304 -- No thanks! - Forget it! - I'll pass on that, too. - That's dumb. - That's dumber than the last one! - No way I'll spend money on that! - OH, GREAT! NOT ANOTHER ONE!! Maybe you should go take a walk during the previews!
dr180305 -- Hey, this is interesting... - Studies indicate that there is a chemical in french fries that may be a cure for baldness! - Let's go tell dad! - I think he already heard.
dr180306 -- We're going out to a restaurant, Wally. - You can't go because you're a dog. - You'd be loud and annoying and stare at other people's food. - Plus, you eat like an animal! Maybe you shouldn't go, either!
dr180307 -- We're back from the restaurant, Wally! - Look! I brought you a doggie bag! - - Just the bag?? I got hungry again on the way home!
dr180308 -- The best part about coming home from work is... - Being greeted at the door by my faithful dog! - Do I know you? Being greeted by the cat is not the same!
dr180309 -- Gimme five, dad! - SLAP! - Gimme five, Ralph! - Thanks!
dr180310 -- Ralph, why are you awake at this hour? I'm too excited to sleep, honeybunch! This is a big night! - It's baseball opening day eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve! March is a long month around here!
dr180311 -- I can't remember the name of that actor. It's driving me crazy! Ask Alexander! - Ask WHO? The voice.assistance device I just bought! - Just say "Hey, Alexander..." and then ask any question you want. Alexander will answer it! It's amazing!
dr180311 -- Try it! OK - Hey, Alexander! What is the name of the guy with a beard who talks kind of funny in this John Wayne movie that I can never remember the name of? - I'm sorry. I an unable to answer that! - What a piece of junk!
dr180312 -- Dogs are very thoughtful. - Instead of bothering our masters to feed us every time we're hungry... - We just help ourselves to the kitchen trash! - WALLY!! please...no need to thank me!
dr180313 -- Wally! Don't eat out of the kitchen trash! - That's disgusting!! - Hey, who threw away that perfectly good slice of leftover pizza? - 
dr180314 -- We're home! - Thank goodness! We missed you! - We did? - Tell me again who these people are.
dr180315 -- I'll feed you as soon as I can, Wally! - Stop following me around! - Why can't you be more patient? It was only five minutes late! - That's over half an hour in dog years!
dr180316 -- Hmmm... - - What are you looking for? I have no idea but the pros do it on TV!
dr180317 -- Powerful you have become. I'm thinking Today must be Irish! - IRISH?? Yeah. He's green and he talks like Barry Fitzgerald! Careful you must be!
dr180318 -- Bye, mom! Bye, Norman! - Remember never to look at your phone when you're driving! - Not even when you're at a red light! - Don't worry. I hardly ever look at my phone. Not even to check news and sports? - Nope. I prefer newspapers! - SPORTS
dr180319 -- Before baseball season starts, let's take the stadium tour! - They show you all the cool stuff like the dugouts and locker rooms! I can buy tickets for 10% off! - You want to buy tickets to go to an empty stadium where there's no game? -
dr180139 -- Sounds fun to me! After that we can go to a movie that isn't playing!
dr180320 -- Stadium Tour <-- It's so cool being in the stadium when it's virtually empty! - And yet somehow, there's still a line for the bathroom! WOMEN
dr180321 -- I can't believe we#re in the PRESS BOX! Nice view! - I'd love to be a baseball announcer! You'd need to think of a memorable catchphrase. - Something you'd say every time the team wins! Hmmm, how about... - "GET IN YOUR CAR AND SIT IN PARKING
dr180321 -- LOT TRAFFIC FOR THE NEXT HOUR 'CUZ THIS GAME IS OVER!!"
dr180322 -- I can't believe our tour guide is letting us sit over here! - I will now fulfill my lifelong dream of spitting sunflower seeds in a major league dugout! - What? Oh, OK. - I can't take you anywhere, can I?
dr180323 -- OK, let's go. - GO?? We can't go now! The stadium tour isn't over yet! - Why do you want to leave early? What kind of baseball fan are you? - A typical one. I want to beat the traffic!
dr180324 -- Wow, Patrick! You've really grown since the last time I measured you! - Way to go! Thanks, eh! Next time, take off your hockey skates.
dr180325 -- - skattle skattle skattle - skattle skattle - skattle skattle skattle skattle - skattle skattle skattle - skattle skattle skattle - BOINK - I think it's cute how Wally needs a running start to jump up on the bed!
dr180326 -- A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O... - Q R S T U V W X Y Z! - What happened to the *P*? *P*'s are sometimes silent!
dr180327 -- - I'll be glad when hockey season is over! Sorry, eh.
dr180328 -- Hmmm... - - - Oops! That's one way to make room in the trash pail!
dr180329 -- Wally! I can't believe you got into the kitchen trash again! - Look at the mess you made! - Naughty dog! - What's the big deal? Someone always cleans it up!
dr180330 -- ...Sigh... - GET OUT OF MY CHAIR, YOU DUMB CAT! - How many times do I have to tell you?? - Yeah, you dumb cat!
dr180331 -- 't was the night before Easter... - And the bunny's all set... - To sneak into the house... - Which he may come to regret! Grrrrr!
dr180401 -- I found one behind the plant! ? - I found one in a SHOE! - I found one under the couch! ? - I found one behind the drapes! - I found one in Oogie's scratching post! I don't believe it! - You RE-DID all the EGGS?? The Easter Bunny didn't do a
dr180401 -- very good job this year. - Maybe he's just getting older and doesn't like to bend over very far!
dr180402 -- Which is smarter, a dog or a cat? - A dog, definitely. - See? - If you're so smart, why are you asking a duck? They're nicer, too.
dr180403 -- Why do you say dogs are smarter than cats? - The cerebral cortex of a dog's brain contains more neurons than does the cerebral cortex of a cat. - What's neuron? - The defense rests.
dr180404 -- I still say cats are smarter than dogs! Nope. - Dog brains have about 530 million cortical neurons. Cat brains have about 260 million. - Human brains have about 16 billion. - I demand a recount! How many do duck brains have? 3.
dr180405 -- It's not true that dogs are smarter than cats! - Cats are brilliant! No, they're not! - For example, you're supposed to claw the scratching post! I know that! I'm just ornery! pick pick pick
dr180406 -- So what if cats aren't as smart as dogs? - Cats are smarter than a lot of things! pick pick claw - It could be worse! - Why do they make spray paint cans that look just like hair spray cans?! See?
dr180407 -- I can't believe I used spray paint instead of hair spray! - I've got a date with Echo and I can't get the paint off! - She'll understand. She seems a lot like you! -
dr180408 -- WALLY Mistakes were made.
dr180409 -- I got a card from Wendy?? - I didn't even think she LIKED me! - "To the man of my dreams... - "Happy belated April's Fool's Day!"
dr180410 -- VEEP VEEP VEEP - VEEP VEEP VEEP VEEP - Oh, here it it! - Dan! IO miss a lot of calls when I wear cargo pants!
dr180411 -- It's not unusual to have a comfort pet. - It can be a dog or even a cat! - Ducks are a stretch, though. Bob is actually a rare South American parrot!
dr180412 -- What is it, Wally? - Where do you want to go? - PARK PARK PARK! - I wish Wally could say something besides "bark bark bark!" They're hopeless!
dr180413 -- RALPH! Thank goodness you're here! - We were so worried about you! - We missed you so much!! - I like coming in to donut shops that I haven't been to for a while. They're always thrilled to see me! We were already afraid you were dieting!
dr180414 -- Hic! You drank that entire bottle of diet soda, dad? - Yeah, I accidentally ate a donut today and ruined my diet... - So, to offset it, I drank diet soda. It's OK to eat high-calorie stuff if you drink diet soda afterward. - This bottle is to
dr180414 -- offset the burrito I also had. How do you accidentally eat a donut?
dr180415 -- Z - WHIRRRRRR! - Oogie - - - WHO WANTS ICE CREAM?! - We don't have any. I was just asking for a friend!
dr180416 -- Hey, Alexander...how's the weather right now? - The temperature is 62°. Thank you! - You don't need to say thank you! It's just an electronic gadget! - Who's the rude guy? My husband. Just ignore him!
dr180417 -- Honeybunch, why do you treat Alexander like a real person? It's just an electronic gadget! - Talking to Alexander is fun! Ask him to pay you a compliment! - Hey, Alexander...pay me a compliment! - You look like you've lost weight! Really? You
dr180417 -- can tell?
dr180418 -- Hey, Alexander...please tell me the weather forecast! - Expect showers today! Thank you! - Go get the umbrella, Ralph! How come she's nicer to you than she is to me?
dr180419 -- The kids are asleep, honeybunch! Ask Alexander to play some romantic music! - I can't ask him that! I'd be too embarrassed! For pete's sake! It's an electronic gadget! I'LL ask! - Hey, Alexander...play some...uhhyou know...romantic music. -
dr180419 -- See? That wasn't so embarrassing! Here you go, lover boy... Then why is your face red?
dr180420 -- Who got into my plate of brownies? - Hey, Alexander...who ate the brownies I made for the book club? - Your husband. RALPH? - I'm sorry to be the one to break the news. I think I'm gonna break something!
dr180421 -- I had donuts this morning... - Pizza this afternoon... - And ice cream this evening! - All in one day?? That's known as a Ralph Drabble Hattrick!
dr180422 -- Not again! Z - Sorry, cat, but that's MY chair! - - - zzyzx - - - It's getting crowded out here!
dr180423 -- HA! - What makes you think you're a real hockey player, li'l dude? -
dr180424 -- BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK - Quiet, Wally! I need to concentrate! - I'm trying to research our family tree! - In our family tree, I'm probably the bark!
dr180425 -- Is that a flea collar? No. - It's a DOG collar! - I'm wearing a flea collar! - I'd hate to see the flea!
dr180426 -- Just one quart of milk? Would you like a bag? - No thanks. I hate paying for things that used to be free. - I understand. We're just trying to cut down on our paper consumption. - Don't forget your receipt!
dr180427 -- MY NEW COUCH PILLOWS! - They obviously weren't dumbdog-proof! Please, no need to thank me!
dr180428 -- Wait, where are my keys? - - Oh, here they are! - I have magic cargo pants. I put things in one pocket and find them in another!
dr180429 -- Honeybunch says I don't put enough effort into picking out her birthday cards. - She says I pay too much attention to how the card looks, and not enough attention to what it says on the inside. - Here's a pretty one! "Happy Birthday to my
dr180429 -- Dear Sweet Wife." Perfect! - But, wait...I better check what it says on the inside! - "Please remove cellophane wrap before putting into envelope." - Sure, that's a winner!
dr180430 -- Dad, there's a company that can determine your ancestry if you send them a saliva sample! - I know. I've already done it! - Really? Did you learn anything interesting? - I'm related to famous amos and little Debbie!
dr180501 -- - - - At some point, our walk-in closet became a toss-in closet!
dr180502 -- Look, Ralph! Our kids are all entertaining themselves without phones or electronics! - That's fantastic! - It gives us time to check our Twitter feeds!
dr180503 -- Who in this car loves Daddy the most? - Patrick! - What?? Penny, you used to love me the most! - Hmm...I don't remember that.
dr180504 -- Good grief, Wally! Why are you so excited?? - It's only me! - He's so modest!
dr180505 -- EGGS Catch one, honeybunch! AAHHH!! - If you want to liven up a grocery shopping trip with your spouse, bring in an empty egg carton! Hand me a watermelon, please!
dr180506 -- I hate coming late to the game! Me too! - I think this is our row! - Excuse us! Pardon me! - Whoops! OUCH! Sorry! - Here are our seats! Finally! - We should have walked around to THAT aisle! Then we wouldn't have had to bother everyone! We're
dr180506 -- so dumb! - Excuse us! Sorry!
dr180507 -- We take a walk around the same block every day... - I can't figure out why Wally finds it so interesting! Hi, Wally! Hey, Wally! Yo, Wally! Howdy! Hello, Wally! Hi, everybody!
dr180508 -- Liver-flavored cat food? I HATE liver-flavored cat food! - You need to try it before you decide you don't like it! - Believe me, I've tried it before! - Liver is an acquired distaste!
dr180509 -- I refuse to eat liver-flavored cat food! - I demand something else! - - You ate it! I'll give you some more! I hate you.
dr180510 -- So you don't like liver-flavored cat food, huh? - Honeybunch went to a lot of trouble to prepare that dinner for you! - You should be grateful for whatever she gives you! - This again?
dr180511 -- Dang! My favorite NHL team just lost and they're out of the playoffs! - How come whenever I root for a team, they lose? I must be bad luck! - That's not true at all, son. Oh well, there's always baseball season! - OK, but just don't root for
dr180511 -- my team!
dr180512 -- WALLY Wally! Time to eat! - - - Every so often, I like to have a nice sit-down dinner!
dr180513 -- Happy Mother's Day! Thank you, Patrick! - Mom, I know I'm kind of a prankster, and I can be a troublemaker at times... - But I'm thankful that you've worked so hard to teach me manners an etiquette! - I want you to know that your influence
dr180513 -- has not been lost on me! - I really do try to do things properly, and it's all because of you! - For example, notice how I rolled the paper OVER, not UNDER!
dr180514 -- - - Something wrong, Ralph? - I'm starting to see old people who are younger than me. Oh, that!
dr180515 -- ...Sigh... - flip! toss! flip! - - This couch has too many pillows!
dr180516 -- DARN! I forgot to bring PACKAGING TAPE! Packaging tape?? - Why on earth would you need packaging tape? We're going to the MOVIES! - I use it to get the lint off my clothes! - Oh, well...we'll be in the dark! I've been in the dark for 23
dr180516 -- years!
dr180517 -- Why the long faces? I can't believe it's only Thursday! Two more days until the weekend! - ...Sigh... I hate Thursdays! Fridays are better! - Just think of Thursday as Friday eve!
dr180518 -- ...having for dinner? - Lasagna! - * * * * * - Not only does she finish my questions for me, she finishes questions I wasn't going to ask for several hours!
dr180519 -- Have a nice time on the golf course, Ralph! Don't come home in a bad mood! - Remember, it's called "playing" golf! - If nothing else, just enjoy being outside in the fresh air! - I should've been a golf coach!
dr180520 -- Ralph Drabble's Guide to HOCKEY Terminology Icing - High-Sticking - Slashing WALLY - Wraparound - Gross Misconduct WALLY! GET OUT OF THE GARBAGE! - Five-Hole Time for a new pair of sweatpants! - Body Check - Penalty Box
dr180521 -- Honeybunch, my car has a (puff) dead battery. - Can you bring the (puff) jumper cables? I'm in the (puff) gym parking lot! - Of course, but why are you out of breath? I'm at the gym, remember? - Actually, it's because I pushed the car here
dr180521 -- from the DONUT SHOP parking lot!
dr180522 -- Are you begging me not to eat your food? - No, I'm trying to scare you away by making myself look bigger than you. - HA! Did you really think I'd fall for that? -
dr180523 -- Good day, eh? Patrick, I have a sports question for you... - Where do hockey players go for fast food? Chick-fil-eh?
dr180524 -- Wanna go for a walk? - Why do your ears always fly up in the air? Try not to get so excited about everything! - Now let's try that again...wanna go for a walk? - Well, it's a start!
dr180525 -- HONK! bip bip! BEEP! BEEP! - BEEEEEEEEEP! honk! honk! BEEP! - What's going on out here? I'm just practicing my horn honking!
dr180526 -- Honeybunch, where's the TV remote? I put it in the drawer, where it belongs! - You need to start putting it away! - I ALWAYS put it away! - I put it right here between the couch cushions!
dr180527 -- DONUTS - DONUTS - DONUTS - DONUTS - DONUTS - DONUTS - Why didn't he come in? He's on a diet. - Oh, what the heck! What happens in the donut shop STAYS in the donut shop!
dr180528 -- It will be nice to get home, Ralph. Th Ball-Game was fun though, wasn't it? It's just too bad we had to come so far to see it! - So what if it cost us a little more money! It was worth it, right?  Right?? - The next time you buy basketball
dr180528 -- tickets online, make sure it's a HOME GAME!
dr180529 -- I can't believe we're sitting way in the back, honeybunch! This airline doesn't have assigned seating. It's on a first-come basis! - This is going to be a full flight. I'm just glad we found seats together! Me too, especially 'cause you've got
dr180529 -- all the snacks!
dr180530 -- Excuse me, is that seat taken? No. - You sit there, son. I'll have to sit back there! No, daddy! I want to sit with YOU! - We can't son. The flight is full! We have to split up! - My heart is breaking! If you give up your seat, I'm keeping
dr180530 -- the snacks!
dr180531 -- Sir, you can have my seat so you can sit with your son. I'll find another! Thank you! That's very kind of you! - It's nice to know there are still nice people in the world! - HEY, DON'T TAKE THE SNACK BAG! I deserve it!
dr180601 -- Ralph, I can't believe that I'm the only one on this plane who offered to help that father and son. - They needed two seats together, and everyone noticed not to notice! - Whatever happened to kindness and civility? - WHAT'S WRONG WITH ALL OF
dr180601 -- YOU PEOPLE??
dr180602 -- Ma'am, will you please come with me? What? Why?? - You're creating a disturbance. Disturbance? I was just commenting that... - Hey! Hold on, there!! - DON'T TAKE THE BAG OF SNACKS!!
dr180603 -- Dinner's ready, Ralph! OK! - - - You told me dinner was ready five minutes ago! I know! - Every time I tell you dinner is ready, you go to the bathroom and wash your hands for five minutes, and we all have to wait for you! - So today I told
dr180603 -- you dinner was ready five minutes early! - So today I told you dinner was ready five minutes early! - Here's your dinner! Finally! - I have to go wash my hands! ...Sigh...
dr180604 -- That was the most embarrassing experience of my life! - I can't believe they tried to kick me off the plane for being disruptive! - Thank goodness for that nice father and son who vouched for me... - While you just SAT there! The "Fasten Seat
dr180604 -- Belt" sign was on!
dr180605 -- I'm home! - yawn! - Back from work ALREADY?? - Just kidding!!
dr180606 -- dig dig dig dig - - - - sniff sniff sniff sniff - I'm home from work!
dr180607 -- Why do wiener dogs always smile? Excellent question! - We like to spread cheer and happiness! - And also, humans are just so funny-looking!
dr180608 -- Hmmmm... - What do you mean, "Hmmm"? - A girl in a bikini appears on the TV, and you say "Hmmm?? What's THAT all about? - I didn't say "hmmm," I was just humming a really short song, and...HEY, HERE'S WALLY!! Don't try to change the subject.
dr180609 -- - This raft isn't quite as much fun as I had hoped.
dr180610 -- RRIPP! - - munch munch - - munch crunch crunch - - - I have never made use of the resealable bag that peanut butter pretzels come in!
dr180611 -- Wally, come back here! - Well, hello there! - He's a friendly dog! - Nobody's a nobody to a wiener dog!
dr180612 -- I LOVE SUMMER! - Next time, wait 'til we turn on the water.
dr180613 -- Are you sure these are medium-rare? - They look kind of... - Oh, I guess they're all right! - If you dress like you know what you're doing, people will think you know what you're doing!
dr180614 -- DONUTS Boy it's hard to stick to this diet! - I need to distract myself! - No-Neck Yum! - People who post pictures of food deserve to be unfollowed.
dr180615 -- WALLY - WALLY - WALLY - I can't tell if he's dreaming or doing exercises!
dr180616 -- - Hey, why is the picture I drew in the wastebasket? - Gee, Penny, it must have fallen off the refrigerator and sailed across the kitchen and into the trash! - Good! I thought somebody threw it away!
dr180617 -- Happy Father's Day, Ralph! We baked you a cake! - Everyone get a plate and I'll out you a slice! - Can my slice have the"HA", mom? I like to think I'm a funny kind of guy! Of course, dear! - May I have a P and an S and a D? Those are my
dr180617 -- initials! That's a little tricky, Penny, but OK! - I'd like my initials too, which are P, R, and D! Sure, Patrick! - And I'll take the Y, the A, and the other Y because they spell "YAY"! - And the rest of the letters are for you, Ralph! -
dr180617 -- FATHER AD
dr180618 -- - tick! - YAY! HE TIPPED IT! GOOD FOR YOU, DAD! - I KNOW YOU CAN DO IT! I THINK YOU CAN DO IT! He can't do it.
dr180619 -- OK, kids! We'll play "Three flies up"? - WHIFF! - WHIFF! - Maybe we should play "One fly up."
dr180620 -- WIFF! - - I'm never going to do it with you staring at me! - It's amazing how much power I have! I can't even parallel park when she's in the car!
dr180621 -- WHIFF! - So you think you'd be able to hit the ball if I wasn't watching? Yes. - Fine, I'll go back inside. Thank you. - I'll listen for the crack of the bat! DON'T LISTEN, EITHER!
dr180622 -- WIFF! - You need to keep your eye on the ball. If you think it's so easy, YOU do it! - WAP! - I knew that would backfire. Hold my apron.
dr180623 -- Pop fly! WAP - Line drive! CRACK! - Ground ball! WAP! - I could teach you all how to play poker!
dr180624 -- Welcome To BULK CLUB Entrance Hi, folks! - Cheese - DAIRY CASE Burrr! It's COLD in there! - Sale! Recliners $849 - Snack Bar - Demonstration - I wonder if we're the only family that comes here just for the entertainment? After this, can we go
dr180624 -- to the car wash?
dr180625 -- - No badgers in there!
dr180626 -- It's the 7th inning. Time to make a trip to the snack bar! - That'll be $74! $74?!! Wow! That's expensive!! - Sorry. Prices have gone up! I just barely have enough money! - The 7th inning stretch has taken on a whole new meaning!
dr180627 -- - GET OFF MY RAFT!! - Never startle a cat around inflatable pool toys!
dr180628 -- Dang! - Why do the gnats always swirl around ME?? - Maybe they like sweat people! Or they're attracted to the glare of your bald spot! Or maybe you smell like... It was a RHETHORICAL QUESTION!
dr180629 -- - - Midnight snacking is one of the leading causes of weight gain! - You're not supposed to say anything unless I say, "Hey, Alexander"! Oh, yeah, huh!
dr180630 -- Let's see... - Where did I put my socks? - On your feet, I would hope! -
dr180701 -- OK, kids! Comin' at ya! - - WHIFF! - One more time! - - WHIFF! - - WHIFF! - WHIFF! - - HEY, LOOK ALIVE OUT THERE!
dr180702 -- Wally, look out! - You're going to trip me! - What's wrong with you?? I'm just trying to stay in the shade!
dr180703 -- I can't believe how hot it is in this house! Yeah, maybe we need more fans, dad! - Or more wiener dogs!
dr180704 -- Time to go down to the lake for the fireworks show! Coming, dad! - Why are you all bundled up? - It's warm outside! - Wally gets freaked out by fireworks!
dr180705 -- A friend asked me to take pictures of her daughter's wedding! - I'm so excited! Maybe it will lead to a career! you'd make a great photographer, honeybunch! - You're good at telling people where to go and...what to do and...ordering
dr180705 -- everybody...around and... - That compliment went bad in a hurry!
dr180706 -- Ralph, I'm so excited to be asked to take pictures of a wedding! I'm proud of you, honeybunch! - This really could be the start of a new career! I bought something for you! - Business cards! Thank you, Ralph! That's so thoughtful of... -
dr180706 -- "Photos by Mrs. Ralph Drabble"? Has a nice ring to it!
dr180707 -- Why are you always so happy, Wally? - What's not to be happy about? - I get plenty to eat, my family loves me, I have a comfortable bed... - And I avoid Twitter!
dr180708 -- Your windshield is dirty inside! - wipe! wipe! - My seat needs to recline a little! Why is it up so far? - Let's turn on a better radio station! - Why do you have the air conditioner up so high? - Let's make it a little warmer in here! Ahhh!
dr180708 -- - Anything else before I back out of the driveway? What's up with this headrest?
dr180709 -- Great news, Ralph! The Newlyweds loved their wedding photos! Good job! - Thanks for being my assistant! I couldn't have doe it without you! - That's nice of you to say, honeybunch! - And sorry again for the photobomb. It's OK. I was able to
dr180709 -- crop you out.
dr180710 -- klunk! - My turn! - Nice try! - I'm going to have to get a lot better if I expect to make the Intramural Cornhole team!
dr180711 -- My goal in life is to make the Intramural Cornhole team! - - - I may need to hire a private cornhole coach.
dr180712 -- ...Sigh... Time to iron. - I hate ironing! - Whenever I iron, my clothes look more wrinkled than before I started! - How ironic!
dr180713 -- Ralph, guess what! I've been asked to photograph a wedding in HAWAII! Wow! - Are you going? No, WE'RE going! - We, as in WE? - Or we as in WE?! Will this fit in the overhead compartment?
dr180714 -- Wally, the bad news is that our family is going to Hawaii, but you're staying here. - The good news is that we'll only be gone a week, and grandma will take care of you! - Grandma's not a dog person. She likes the dumb cat more than me. She
dr180714 -- doesn't let me up on the couch! One week is seven weeks in dog time! We'll bring you a pineapple!
dr180715 -- - - Can I help you find anything, Sir? - Uhhhh...no thanks! - - Can I help you find something? - Um...no, no...I'm just kind of browsing! - I think they make the embarrassing personal items hard to find just so we'll have to ask for them!
dr180716 -- Ralph, I'm so excited that we're all going to Hawaii! Me too, honeybunch! - But why did you put on a lei BEFORE we get to Hawaii? - When I step off the plane, I don't want to look like a tourist!
dr180717 -- - - - This is the most boring in-flight movie I've ever seen!
dr180718 -- I've only been to Hawaii once. I had a traumatic experience there. - I was 7 years old, and somehow, I locked myself inside a changing stall at the beach! - My mother had to ask a little girl to crawl under the door and unlock it for me. It
dr180718 -- was so embarrassing! - I've never gone back because I'm afraid I'll run into that girl and she'll recognize me! Dad's kind of weird, isn't he? Shhhh!
dr180719 -- I can't believe we're in HAWAII! What am amazing beach!! - We all have our swimsuits! Let's find a place to change! - No thanks! Changing Stalls Don't worry, dad. I'll rescue you if you get locked in!
dr180720 -- !! !! !!! - !!! !! !! ! Ahem! - * - !! !!! !!
dr180721 -- Oops! I almost forgot! - CLICK! - Why did you take a picture of your Big Mac? - My friends said I should post pictures of all the food I eat in Hawaii!
dr180722 -- - How does my tan look? - Only the front of you is tan, dad! - You need to lie on your stomach to get a tan on your back! - - How's that? Now you need to get your sides tan. You're kind of a big guy, you know! - OK, I'll try again! - How's
dr180722 -- this? Maybe you should just wear a shirt.
dr180723 -- Here we are in Hawaii, but all I can think about is how much I miss Wally! - Don't worry. Grandma is watching him. - I'm afraid he's sad and lonely, and wondering where we are! - OK, have another cookie, then we'll take another walk!
dr180724 -- YIKES! THAT'S HER!! - Whew! No, it isn't! - Ralph, the odds of seeing the same little girl who rescued you 40 years ago are over a million-to-one! - Yeah, but what were the odds of getting locked inside a changing stall in the first place?
dr180724 -- Good point.
dr180725 -- HOTEL Can we go snorkeling, mom? - Not yet. I have to finish up our hotel room! - Isn't that what the maid does? Yes, but I don't want to leave her with a lot of work! - Yesterday, the maid left US a tip!
dr180726 -- Boy, this is the life! - The best thing about Hawaii is the food! - It's a good thing I don't live here or I'd have to watch my weight! As opposed to what??
dr180727 -- Well, it's time for me to go take the wedding pictures! - I'm so excited! I can't believe I'm a professional photographer! - I hope I have everything! Just don't forget your camera! - CAMERA??
dr180728 -- Back home at last! Well, it was a successful trip to Hawaii, Ralph! I got a new camera, and the wedding pictures turned out great! Yeah, and I never saw that girl who rescued me 40 years ago. That would've been embarrassing! - Thanks for
dr180728 -- flying with us today! Thank you for...HEY, I REMEMBER YOU!
dr180729 -- BANG BANG BANG . Beware Of Watchdog - - BAM BAM BAM - Look Out for Watchdog - - POUND POUND POUND - No Laughing at Watchdog
dr180730 -- Your dog will never unfriend you! - Unfollow you, maybe. sniff sniff
dr180731 -- - When you have insomnia, it's probably better to count sheep than wiener dogs!
dr180801 -- - Hey, Alexander! Make it stop raining! - OK, here's a nice, sunny day! - I love the 21st century!
dr180802 -- - Few things are as entertaining as a wiener dog running with a pool noodle! A duck wearing water wings isn't bad.
dr180803 -- - - I think I'll leave this half-eaten pizza here on the table! - You just can't wait to try out that new bug zapper, can you?
dr180804 -- Hey, Alexander! What time is it? - - Hey, Alexander! What time is it? - Hey, Alexander! What time is it? It's 2:17 PM. Even Alexander won't give me the time of day!
dr180805 -- Here's how we play cornhole. We each have a board to aim at.. OK! - If we throw our bag of corn though the hole, it's three points! One point if it just lands on the board. 21 points wins the game. - Each player has four bags! - CLOMP! -
dr180805 -- GRRRRRRR! - OK, three bags. This is my kind of game!
dr180806 -- - - Leonard blinked! Norman wins the Shy Person's Stare Contest!
dr180807 -- Before the baseball game starts, they always show a stadium evacuation plan for when the crowd has to leave in a hurry! - Does that ever happen? Yeah, when there's a three-run lead in the seventh inning!
dr180808 -- Water balloon fight! - - - This multi-water balloon filler is the greatest invention ever!
dr180809 -- With this water balloon filler, we are invincible! - No one can beat us! - SLASH! - Except the kitty!
dr180810 -- - - - How do you like your job here at the trampoline park? It has its ups and downs.
dr180811 -- - - - Every time I get off the trampoline, it feels weird to walk!
dr180812 -- Hello? Hi, Ralph! Happy Birthday! - Thanks, Fred! Is that your brother Fred? - Hi, Fred! How are you? Fine, June! How are you? - Fine! How are Tammy and the kids? They're all good! - My new photography business is doing well! That's exciting!
dr180812 -- - Is that Tammy?? Hi, Tammy! Hi, June! How was you Hawaiian vacation? - It was wonderful! Tell me about it! - First we went snorkeling! THANKS FOR CALLING, FRED!
dr180813 -- TRAMPOLINE LAND Something wrong, Echo? I just feel a little sad, Norman. - You need someone who can cheer you up! - - Unfortunately, they all look kind of busy! ...Sigh...
dr180814 -- TRAMPOLINE LAND I'll bet *I* can cheer you up, Echo! - How about if I drive you to my favorite place in the whole world? OK! - Let's go! I feel happier already! - Wait a minute...what would Norman Drabble's favorite place be??
dr180815 -- I'm going to take you to my favorite place, Echo! - Believe me, it will cheer you right up! - It must be pretty special if you're driving through the car wash first! - No, this is IT! Oh, gosh!
dr180816 -- CAR WASH The best part is when we go under the water and foam! - Let's recline our seats! - Now I'll push the button to reveal the moonroof, so we can watch it! - OOPS! WRONG BUTTON!
dr180817 -- NORMAN! CLOSE THE MOONROOF!! - I'M TRYING! - Actually, I don't need to because next comes... - THE BLOWERS!
dr180818 -- I must admit, Norman, I liked going to the car wash with you! - But, was it really an accident that you opened the moonroof and let all the water in, or did you just do that to cheer me up? - Echo, you don't really think I'm that dumb, do
dr180818 -- you? - Well...yeah. Dad's gonna kill me!
dr180819 -- Men - - - Even recycled towels start as trees, so please use as few as possible. - - I'll just use my shirt!
dr180820 -- - - I love the dog days of summer! - Oops! Although the dog nights of summer are pretty good, too!
dr180821 -- zzyzx - STAY OFF THE FURNITURE! - - Why aren't you moving? The only word I recognized was STAY!
dr180822 -- Why aren't you in your bed? - You told me to stay off the furniture! - Crazy dog! - And people wonder why dogs often seem confused!
dr180823 -- - - SLAM! GAH! - It's like being married to David Copperfield!
dr180824 -- Hey, Alexander! Play ice cream truck music! OK! Here it is! - * * * * - * * - That's one way to get Ralph some exercise!
dr180825 -- Mom, can I have a snack? Yes, Penny, but can you wait until I finish my lunch? Sure. - Thanks. No problem! That's my job! - WHAT'S your job? Helping other people! - Like, letting them wait a minute before they do things to me!
dr180826 -- GIANTS - - - - HEY!! - You guys are supposed to be watching ME!!! - * * 
dr180827 -- Bye, kids! Have fun! - The house always seems so empty on the first day of school! - I'm going to miss everyone so much! It's going to be so lonely! - I'll call in sick if you want me to! Beat it!
dr180828 -- I Defend You! GRRRR! - I Alert You TO Danger! ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF - I Lead The Way! - But you're MY hero! Go figure!
dr180829 -- - Tell that dumb do I haven't even started the car yet! His ears have a mind of their own!
dr180830 -- I'm having a bad hair day, dad! - Put your sunglasses on top of your head to disguise it! - - Do we have any more sunglasses?
dr180831 -- WALLY Yawn! - STRRRETCH! - - I think I've figured out why people are so cranky: they don't take enough naps!
dr180901 -- I bought a bug zapper because I hate flies! - - - Go ahead! Make my day! I especially hate flies with a sense of humor!
dr180902 -- Z - MAN OVERBOARD!  Z*Z - - ROUND-TRIP TICKET! - - - RUB-A-DUB-DUB! Honeybunch, please stop watching "Wheel of Fortune" in bed!
dr180903 -- It's Labor Day, the official end of summer! - Time to put away the inflatable pool for another year. - Couldn't you have waited until the end of the day?
dr180904 -- Labor Day is over. That means summer is now a memory. - That means fall will soon be upon us. - That means... Hey, Alexander! Play Christmas music! Seriously? It's only September!
dr180905 -- PIZZA You're so weird! - I can't believe you don't like pineapple on your pizza! There's a reason Italy and Hawaii are on different sides of the world!
dr180906 -- 88c for a liter of soda? I'll get four. - Four liters of soda! That'll be $9,95. $9.95?? The sign said 88c each! - Only if you buy five or more! The sign didn't say that! - Yes it did. Go back and look! Here's a magnifying glass!
dr180907 -- SUPERMARKET But the sign said those sodas were 88c per bottle! - You should've read the fine print! It says "Must by five or more." - You should have made the print larger so people can read it! - Why would we want to do that?
dr180908 -- SUPERMARKET Well, I hope you're happy! Your misleading sign got me to buy all this soda! - I've shopped at this supermarket for 25 years! I've never felt like they cheated me until today! - Now now, Ralph...don't be silly! - We've been
dr180908 -- cheating you for years! You've just never noticed!
dr180909 -- Follow me, Wally! I want to show you a magic trick! - I'm going to stand in a doorway and lift up this blanket... - And I'll disappear! I've seen this trick baffle dogs all over the Internet! - When I drop the blanket, I'll be gone! - I'm
dr180909 -- still here, see? yawn - OK, ready? Here we go! 1...2...3! - - Hey, how did I make the dog disappear?
dr180910 -- Anyone you'd like me to bark at? Is it time to eat yet? - Wanna play ball? Where's the cat? Wanna go for a walk? - Why do dogs sit and stare at you like that? Wanna play with a sock? Is it time to eat yet?
dr180911 -- I'm telling you, honeybunch, we're getting old? - We ARE NOT! - I'm sure lots of young couples spend their date night at All-Mart checking their blood pressure.
dr180912 -- Z - Z*Z - Does this seem like a good time to play with your sock? I have insomnia.
dr180913 -- * * * - * * * * ... - POP! - Sometimes I like cats!
dr180914 -- Boy, September is almost half over! - Before you know it, it'll be... - I KNOW!!! - The holiday stress is already setting in!
dr180915 -- PHARMACY Here's your new prescription, Mr. Drabble. - Take one pill every day on an empty stomach. - Good luck with that! - I guess it IS a rather narrow window of opportunity!
dr180916 -- - PUTT - WALLY - - CLOMP! - PUTT - KLINK! - The first ball is always a decoy!
dr180917 -- Hey! The results of my DNA test arrived! - It's going to tell me what my ethnic makeup is, based on a saliva sample! - What's it say? What's it say? rip rip - I'm 20% Italian, 25 % Mexican, and 55% McDonald's!
dr180918 -- - - Yikes! - Cheap camera!
dr180919 -- WALLY!! - DID YOU CHEW UP THIS NEW PILLOW?! - DID YOU DO THIS?! - If you don't view it, you didn't do it!
dr180920 -- Ahhh! - Sitting with your faithful dog gives you a feeling of calm and serenity. - *dingdong* ROWF ROWF! ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF - Until someone leaves a package on your porch! ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF!
dr180921 -- I'm not very confrontational. - In fact, I'm probably the least confrontational person on earth! - No, I'M the least confrontational person on earth! - No, I AM!! You are NOT!!
dr180922 -- PING PONG! ...Sigh...Another package delivery! - Why don't people go to the store anymore? Why does everything have to be delivered? - Most packages are completely unnecessary. - Except, of course, for my morning delivery!
dr180923 -- WALLY ZZYZX - CREAK! What's that noise?! - Wait a minute, they don't like it when I bark in the middle of the night! - I don't know why. It's my JOB to alert them to the presence of danger! - Maybe I'm imagining things! - Hey, did you hear a
dr180923 -- noise? - Yeah, it was probably a badger! - ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF - Or it could've just been the house creaking because of the change in temperature! You love to get me in trouble, don't you?
dr180924 -- BARK! - HISS! - BOOT! - I seem to be getting a lot of critter-cism!
dr180925 -- Come on! - I dare you! - - A watched autumn leaf never falls!
dr180926 -- AT LAST! - - - That was a smart leaf!
dr180927 -- WALLY - - ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF! - How can you hear a LEAF fall? Autumn is very noisy!
dr180928 -- - - - My feet are out of breath!
dr180929 -- Honeybunch, I took pictures at our family reunion last summer and made them into a book! - Now we can relive all those wonderful memories! There are all just pictures of the FOOD we ate! Dad's wonderful memories might not be the same as
dr180929 -- yours.
dr180930 -- - Hey! - What happened to the squeak? I oiled the door while you were gone! - I LOVED that squeak! - This door has been squeaking for 20 YEARS! - It squeaked when we brought each of our babies home from the hospital! - Hey, what happened to
dr180930 -- the squeak? Your dad oiled the door! - I LOVED that squeak! It was as if the door was saying "welcome home"! I can't wait until they notice that I also got rid of the dead tree in our backyard!
dr181001 -- I'm home! You're always reminding me to go to the gym... - Well, you'll be happy to know I've spent an entire hour there working out. - ...since the first of the year, anyway!
dr181002 -- - - WIFF! Dang! - Knuckleleaf! Knucklehead!
dr181003 -- - CHOMP! - snarl! growl! rip! shred! - -
dr181004 -- - - - Mr. October!
dr181005 -- Hey, I see you raked up all the leaves, Norm! - There were sure a lot of them! - I almost ran out of places to put 'em! - 
dr181006 -- What topping would you like on your pizza, sir? The works! - OK, and for YOU, sir? Just cheese! - Norman, you can have all the toppings for the same price! Live it up! OK... - Make it extra cheese!
dr181007 -- - WALLY Shhh! - - - - There's nothing more fun than a midnight snack! - DING DING DING DING - Just don't leave the refrigerator door open too long or the sensor goes off! Did you come up short on your 1200-calorie diet?
dr181008 -- WALLY My bed is uncomfortable! - ? - - Better!
dr181009 -- Too lumpy! - Too firm! - Too soft! - Beat it! Too grumpy!
dr181010 -- Uh-oh...I forgot my online banking password! - Oh, yeah! I have an app that remembers all my passwords! - Dang. - I have to enter a password to get my passwords!
dr181011 -- I love milkshakes! - - SPLURGLE URGLE URGLE URGLE By the way, I dented the car today! - The best time to break bad news is during a splurgle!
dr181012 -- I love Halloween! Me too! Kids in crazy costumes ringing the doorbell at night long! - I'm going to be a witch! I'm going to be a zombie! What are you going to be, Wally? A nervous wreck!
dr181013 -- When I was a kid, I'd get so excited to do to the store and look at all the Halloween costumes! - But things changed as I got older! - Now I just get excited to look at all the candy!
dr181014 -- Wow! I've lost five pounds! - I need to tell honeybunch! She'll be so happy for me! - Guess, what, honeybunch?! I lost five pounds! - That's because you're a man! Men lose weight faster than women! - I can't believe it! I starve myself and go
dr181014 -- to the gym, and I haven't lost anything! All YOU have to do is stop eating DONUTS and you lose FIVE POUNDS! - It's just not fair! I didn't give up ALL donuts, just the ones with the sprinkles on 'em!
dr181015 -- WHIRRRRR - RRRRRRR! - Now, WHAT were you trying to say, Ralph? Stop blowing your leaves into my yard!
dr181016 -- Gee, honeybunch...I like this selfie of us that you posted! - I don't look nearly as old and ugly as I thought I looked! - That's because I used a filter! - ...and also because I'm more handsome than I thought! ...and the lighting was poor.
dr181017 -- Mom! Dad! I got an acting job! I'm going to be a zombie at the corn maze! - All I have to do is wander around and act like I have no brain! - I sure hope I can do it! Mmmff! It'll be a stretch, but just try your best!
dr181018 -- Hey guys! I got an acting job! - I'm going to play a zombie down at the corn maze! - My job is to walk around and act like I have no brain! - You'll be perfect! Everybody keeps telling me that!
dr181019 -- Playing a zombie at the corn maze will be easy as long as I remember the FIVE S's... - Skreech, Stalk, Stagger, Startle, and... - Uh...I forget the fifth S! - Smell bad? Oh, yeah! Can I borrow your cologne?
dr181020 -- Norman! Why are you back so soon? - I thought you went to your new job as a zombie at the corn maze! I did... - But I couldn't find it. - Leave it to Norman to get lost ON HIS WAY to the corn maze!
dr181021 -- No, Wally. I don't have time to play ball! - - squeaky squeak I don't have time to play with your squeaky hot dog toy, either! - - - Oh, for heaven's sakes! - - See? It only takes a second!
dr181022 -- Haunted CORN MAZE Norman, we hired you to play a zombie, but we need you to play the hockey-mask guy instead! - Sir, I don't know anything about the Hockey-Mask guy! My mom never let me watch those movies! - I'm a method actor. What's my
dr182022 -- motivation here? - Put on the mask before I fire you!
dr181023 -- Haunted CORN MAZE They hired me to be one of the scary people inside the corn maze... - Hey! I hear someone coming! - This will be my first scare of the night! - Boo. GAAH!!
dr181024 -- Are you OK? Yes, you just startled me. - Good, that's my job. You work here, too? - Yes. I'm glad I finally scared someone! I was feeling like a failure! - AHEM! Oh, yeah...boo!
dr181025 -- Is this your first time working in the corn maze? - Yes, but I find it hard to scare people. - It seems kind of mean. I hate to do it. - Don*'t be afraid! We are just professional actors in costumes! What kind of dumb corn maze IS this?
dr181026 -- You're not scary! Neither are you! - I like you. You have a kind heart. We need more people in the world like you. - I have an idea...let's take off these masks and go get a milkshake! OK! - AAAUGHH!
dr181027 -- NORMAN! WENDY! - WHY CAN'T I GO ANYWHERE WITHOUT BUMPING INTO YOU? - You just said I was nice and you liked me! - That was when I thought you were just a normal chainsaw murderer!
dr181028 -- PUMPKINS Let's see, now... - How about this one? Nope! - Hmmm... - What about this one? Nope. - Hmmm... - This one? THAT'S IT! - The perfect pumpkin is the size and shape of dad's head! Who says you're not a role model?
dr181029 -- - BLAT! - Dang. Pumpkin guts balloons are more fun than water balloons!
dr181030 -- DING DONG! - Halloween...the most exciting night of the year for kiddies! - BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK And the doggies.
dr181031 -- Thank you! Scary costumes, kids! - TRICK OR TREAT! Now here's a costume I haven't seen before... - THESE WINDS ARE INCREDIBLE!! Hurricane reporter!
dr181101 -- Hey, great mummy costumes! - Too bad we ran out of candy! - Next Morning... Who tee-peed our house? I have an idea...
dr181102 -- BARK BARK BARK BARK! Wally, stop it! - You bark every time someone knocks at our door! - That's not entirely true... - I also bark every time someone knocks on our neighbor's door!
dr181103 -- GMY Hi, Ralph! Hi, Joe! beep! - - 'bye, Joe! - If you really want to get in shape, you should spend a little more time here! I have ice cream in the car.
dr181104 -- I can't find my favorite tie! - What could've happened to it? - - I have an idea.. - WALLY I knew it! - - I'll need my socks, too! You might also have a cushion insole in there someplace.
dr181105 -- Time for my annual tradition. I kick a field goal from the same distance as my age! - When I can no longer do it, I'll know I'm over the hill! - The good news is, I feel confident! - The bad news is, I can't see the uprights from this far
dr181105 -- away!The worse news is, you're ten yards too close!
dr181106 -- Every year since I was 18, I've kicked a field goal from as many yards as my age. - I dread the year I can no longer do it. - It will mean, I'm now an old man, and the next thing I'll kick is the bucket. - No pressure!
dr181107 -- I know I can kick this field goal! I'm still young! I'm still in shape! - I better test the wind... - - OW!
dr181108 -- This is impossible! I can't kick a 47-yard field goal! - Why on earth did I start this tradition of kicking from my AGE?? - Hex, it's MY tradition! I could tweak it a little! - From now on, my tradition is to shoot my age in a nine-hole round
dr181108 -- of golf!
dr181109 -- Hang on a second. I feel my phone vibrating in my pocket. - - Oh, never mind. I had my phone in my hand! - I hate those phantom phone vibrations!
dr181110 -- hop! - - - - Why do you walk around in circles? - I'm doing laps!
dr181111 -- WALLY ZZZZZ - - ZZYZX - Z - - - SNARF! Boy, it's hard to put on socks around here!
dr181112 -- Whenever I take my car to the dealer for an oil change... - I like to kill time at the fast food place down the street! - - Although I hate it when the mechanic takes it to the drive-thru!
dr181113 -- Put away your cellphone, Norm. - Driving in the car is the perfect time to ponder the great questions of life! - Liquid Helium - How come Helium trucks don't float away? Go back to your cellphone.
dr181114 -- It's 8:00, Penny! NOOO! - I hate 8:00 because that's my bedtime! - Just remember, it could be worse! - Wally's bedtime is 8:00, 8:22, 8:47, 9:03, 9:35... You forgot 9:26!
dr181115 -- GYM - - - Odd that you're never sweaty after your workout. Trust me, I was on every machine!
dr181116 -- yawn! - WOW, I'M OLD! - Every time I look in the mirror, I scare myself! - Old age is for younger people!
dr181117 -- Hey! Some kids tp'd our house!! - This isn't toilet paper... - These are pharmacy register receipts! In that case, it was probably that retired couple down the street!
dr181118 -- Supermarket The last time Mom will send Ralph and Norman to buy milk... I found the milk, dad! - Great! Be sure to check the expiration date! - It expires on November 25th. - Check the other containers to see if any have a better expiration
dr181118 -- date. - They all say November 25th. - Except this one, which says November 17th. Today is November 18th! - LET'S GET THAT ONE! - Why? It doesn't expire for almost a YEAR! NEXT WEEK: The last time mom lets Ralph and Norman cook a turkey!
dr181119 -- I love this time of year! - There are leaves on the ground and frost on the pumpkin! - Flies, too!
dr181120 -- Penny, you need to go outside and play. - It's cold outside! The fresh air will do you good! - It would be a lot more fun to play outside if we had a place in our yard to go inside of. - Preferably with a couch and a TV! I'm not sure you're
dr181120 -- getting my point.
dr181121 -- LOG RIDE I loved that ride! - Hey, there are the photos taken right when we dropped! I'll be we looked terrified! - Or not! -
dr181122 -- I can't wait for our relatives to arrive for thanksgiving dinner! - Turkey, ham, dogs, nuts, dip... - Is that the menu? No, it's the guest list!
dr181123 -- Make a wish, Norm! - No way. I'm too smart for this! - You're already holding the stronger part. THIS side is going to break off! - Fine, we'll do it this way! That's more like it!
dr181124 -- - - Quiet! I can't hear myself think! - My "is it suppertime?" look speaks louder than words!
dr181125 -- Well, it's time to put up our Christmas decorations in the front yard, honeybunch! - Are you going to do it all by yourself? Yup. - How long will it take you? - About three hours. - I'll help you, dad. - Make that SIX hours! Look, dad! I
dr181125 -- made a swing!
dr181126 -- Isn't it early to go shopping for a Christmas tree? - We always do it the week after Thanksgiving.  It's a family tradition! Do we have to listen to Christmas music? It's not even December! - It's a family tradition to listen to Christmas
dr181126 -- music on the way to get a tree! - Why are driving through the taco stand, Ralph? I'm starting a new family tradition.
dr181127 -- TREES That one! - Nope. You should never buy the first tree you see. Why not? - There are lots of trees here, and you shouldn't make a decision until you've seen them all! - For that matter, there are lots of TREE LOTS, so maybe we should see
dr181127 -- THEM all! Now we're thinking alike!
dr181128 -- I'm telling you, this tree is perfect! You should never buy the first tree you see! - - I'll take this one! - THAT WAS THE PERFECT TREE! TACKLE HIM!!
dr181129 -- TREES I can't believe we found the perfect tree and you let some other guy buy it!! - I didn'...you said...wait, WHAT?! We'll never find another tree so perfect! - CHRISTMAS IS RUINED! - It's not even December yet!
dr181130 -- Excuse me, sir...my wife really wanted that tree... - I can see why. It's perfect! She's really upset. Can I please buy it from you? - She's really upset? Well, I guess it's the holiday season... - I'll let you have it for $200! YOU ONLY PAID
dr181130 -- $75!!
dr181201 -- Look, honeybunch! - It took a little negotiating, but I got back the tree you wanted! - Isn't it beautiful? It sure is! - But not as beautiful as the tree I just bought!
dr181202 -- Come see the decoration I bought for our front yard, honeybunch! - It's a big, inflatable snowman! - It's an on timer, and it inflates by itself every night! - The neighborhood kids will love it! I love it, too! - I don'*t know why I never
dr181202 -- thought to buy one before! - BLAM! - Oops! Now I remember.
dr181203 -- You bought a tree?! You said you wanted THIS tree! - I had to buy it back from the guy who already bought it! - Well, I guess we're going to have two trees this year! - Now aren't you glad we have so many ornaments? Maybe we can freeze one
dr181203 -- for next year!
dr181204 -- I can't believe we bought two trees! How will we get them home? Tie them both on the top of the car, I guess! - But the needles will blow off! Well, there's not enough room INSIDE the car! -
dr181205 -- Dad, tell me again why you and mom each bought Christmas trees! - It was a stupid mix-up that couldn't have possibly gotten more ridiculous! - Ralph, neither of these trees is drinking! Take them both back and ask for a refund! I stand
dr181205 -- corrected.
dr181206 -- Did you take back those two dried-out Christmas trees, Ralph? Yes, and on the way home, I solved all of our Christmas tree shopping problems... - I bought an artificial tree! So did I!
dr181207 -- Where are Norman and dad? Decorating the tree! - I love it when they work together! - Most of the time!
dr181208 -- zzyzx - GET OFF MY GOLF CLOTHES!! - Who say I'm not a cat person?
dr181209 -- - - - - - Hey, where did this tree branch come from? I don't know, but throw it back outside. - How do I get it through the door?
dr181210 -- - - - That's not how I pictured myself!
dr181211 -- I don't know how to get there. Turn on your GPS, Ralph! - I'm a middle-aged man. I don't know how to work my GPS. - All middle-aged men know how to work their GPS. - Not if they're semi-late-middle-aged men who never go anywhere!
dr181212 -- I need to go outside and put up the decorations. - I thought you already did that! - I meant to say, put BACK up the decorations!
dr181213 -- - I think it's cute how Wally steals your clothes when you take them off! - He must like the smell of his daddy! - Actually, I like the smell of what daddy spilled on his shirt at lunch!
dr181214 -- Why hello, Mr. and Mrs. Drabble! - So nice to see you both again! - I take it you still have the wiener dog! I keep telling Ralph to hang up his ties!
dr181215 -- ...Sigh... - - - It's true. Golf is mostly mental! tokkl okkl!
dr181216 -- Our pets have stockings?? - Sure! They're part of the family, aren't they? - What would Santa put in WALLY'S stocking? Peppermint BARK! - What would he put in OOGIE'S? A KIT-KAT bar! - And in BOB'S sticking, he'd put a...uhhh... - I can't
dr181216 -- think of anything for a duck! How about a dollar BILL?!
dr181217 -- When I was a kid, we went downtown to do all of our Christmas shopping. - It was festive and fun, and we went in every store. - Now you just click on a computer and wait for the delivery guy to come to your door. All the fun is gone! -
dr181217 -- Whatever you say, dear. Why are you putting on your makeup?
dr181218 -- ...Sigh... Twitter. - This person drives me crazy! - TAKE THAT! - Sometimes I just follow people so I can unfollow them!
dr181219 -- Steinbauer! Ralph, I know we haven't been the best of neighbors... - In fact, I find you downright annoying. - But, in the spirit of the holidays, my wife asked me to give you this cookie plate! - Season's greetings, Ralph!
dr181220 -- ** I love listening to Christmas songs on the radio. * - * Nat, Bing, Ella, Burl, Jose... ** - All the singers that I've loved since childhood. *** - ** It's amazing how it puts me in the Christmas spirit. Labor Day puts you in the Christmas
dr181220 -- spirit!
dr181221 -- I love watching the old animated holiday specials. - They take me back to the innocence of my childhood! - Until the commercial comes on and jolts me back into adulthood! Tell me again what the medicine is for, dad.
dr181222 -- Hey, Siri...what's a five-letter word for "odorless gas" that begins with an "R"? - OK...a five-letter word for "odorless gas" that begins with an "R" is "Radon". Thanks! - Ralph, it isn't right to ask Siri for help with your crossword
dr181222 -- puzzle. - Especially in church.
dr181223 -- It was 2 days before Christmas And I(mom) can't help thinking,  Our tree is so dry It must have stopped drinking. - Dad's lighting display Has been strung up with care. But why is the dead bulb Always way up there? - Norm wrapped up some
dr181223 -- gifts In boxes and bags. Too bad he forgot To write names on the tags. OK, I think this one belongs to...no, this one is mom's...no, wait... - Last-minute shopping Was easy online. But now Mom's just praying Stuff gets here on time! - The
dr181223 -- carolers have come To our door with a song. Unfortunately it's the one That's really really long! * On the ninth day of Christmas... * - Mom shopped real early Which is now a bummer. She can't find the gifts That she hid last summer. I
dr181223 -- could've sworn they were up here! - But one thing's for sure By gosh and by golly Santa soon will be here If he can get past Wally! GRRRR
dr181224 -- - Oh! I see another red light in the sky! - Maybe THAT'S Rudolph! Could be! - Penny knows that those are just planes, right? Yeah, but don't tell your dad.
dr181225 -- It's Christmas!! - RIP! TEAR! SHRED! rip! tear! I don't understand why they rip apart those pretty packages after they went to so much trouble to wrap them! I don't understand why they get so mad when *I* do it.
dr181226 -- The Day after Christmas Is so much more quiet. Why, just yesterday The house was a riot! - But the silence was broken As we heard mom confess, "I wish Santa would come back And help clean up this mess!"
dr181227 -- ...Sigh... - roll roll fold tuck - ...Sigh... - Fine! I'll take it back! I told you, I'm not a turtleneck person.
dr181228 -- Go on, Wally! Have at it! - Christmas is over! They're all yours! Go get 'em! - - NOW he doesn't want to pull down all the yard decorations!
dr181229 -- WHIRRR - I can't believe how many needles our Christmas tree dropped this year! - Wait a minute...we had an artificial tree! - The box SAID it was lifelike! Maybe those needles are from last year.
dr181230 -- Happy anniversary, honeybunch! Happy anniversary, Ralph! - Here's a card for you. I got a card for you, too! - * * * - "You made me a happy man on our wedding day." - "I love you more each year." - So you're saying I haven't made you happy
dr181230 -- since our wedding day? - So you're saying you didn't love me this much last year? After all these years, they still have so much in common!
dr190101 -- I thought you made a resolution to make a diet! I did, but you can't start a diet on New Year's day. - Everyone snacks during the parades and games, and it always takes a few weeks to finish off the holiday goodies and leftovers. - ...and
dr190101 -- then comes the Super bowl and then Valentine's Day and Easter... - I never start my New Year's resolutions until after Cinco de Mayo!
dr190102 -- TREE I'm so glad we bought a fake tree this year. - Remember how dead our tree was last year? - It left a trail of needles when we dragged it out to the curb! - Of course, by then it was Valentine's Day. Well, still...
dr190103 -- What are you doing? Walking my duck. - What for? Exercise. - Why is the duck wearing a sweater? It's chilly. - How come we can never go anywhere without being bombarded by questions?
dr190104 -- Norman! Are you walking a duck?? - Yes, Echo. Please don't judge me! I'd never do that! - Besides, I'm walking a duck too! But I don't use a leash! We're SO different!
dr190105 -- Boy, it's hot in this car! - Don't complain , Ralph. We have dual temperature controls. - You can set your side of the car to any temperature you want! - When your side is set at *95* degrees, it doesn't really matter what my side is set at!
dr190106 -- Touchdown! - What! What happened?? - How did they score?? - Ralph, tell me what happened! - You're a little distracted, honeybunch. You should either read your book, play the world game on your phone, or watch the TV! - Fine! I'll read my
dr190106 -- book! - What page was I on?
dr190107 -- - Yawn! - You seem bored. Is there anything you'd like me to attack?
dr190108 -- Ralph, you eat too much fast food! - You have it every day! You're gaining weight! - It's as if you have fast food on your mind constantly! - Don't tell a whopper! I've only gained a quarter-pounder!
dr190109 -- If you're trying to get from the inland empire to the O.C., just forget it! - If you're heading south through the Sepulveda Pass, turn back while you can! - If you need to get past the four-level interchange, it's not happening! ...Sigh... -
dr190109 -- Thank heaven for the traffic reports! Your best bet? Find a job you can do from home!
dr190110 -- If it rains today, you'll be the only one at the zoo without an umbrella! - But if it doesn't rain, I'll be the only one who doesn't have to carry one around all day! - Hold mine too, dad!
dr190111 -- Darn! I'm hitting every green light! - Darn! There's no traffic on the freeway! - Darn! There's a really convenient parking space! - I'm never in a hurry for my dental appointment!
dr190112 -- Look at this... - I can't believe they post instructions for how to cross the street! - I'm surprised they don't have instructions for how to push the button! - They do! It's on the other side!
dr190113 -- Thanks for lunch, dad! Anytime, son! - I'll throw away our trash! - - Have you seen my... - * - Found it! As long as you're in there, I forgot to peel the game piece off my soda cup.
dr190114 -- Why are you still wearing that shirt? - THIS shirt? the one you bought and made me wear to the Christmas party? - The one I vowed to continue wearing every day until you get sick of it and beg me never to wear it again? - THIS shirt? Looks
dr190014 -- great!
dr190015 -- Mom, why is dad still wearing his Santa shirt? - He's getting even with me for making him wear it to the Christmas party last month! - He says he's going to keep wearing it until I get sick of it and beg him not to ever wear it again! - Had
dr190115 -- enough? Boy, I love that shirt! Stubborn and stubborner!
dr190116 -- OK, let's go to the wedding reception! - You're not really going to wear that... - ...that... - Plaid jacket, are you? It doesn't go with that shirt I love! Dang!
dr190117 -- WALLY He's back!! - I'M FINALLY GONNA' CATCH HIM!! - I'm not Santa Claus!! I'm just wearing this shirt to bug mom!! Grrrr! I should've migrated when I had the chance.
dr190118 -- Ralph's Santa shirt is in the laundry. - It would be a shame if something happened and he couldn't wear it anymore. - OK, who shrank my shirt? Whoa! Looks like someone needs to lay off the eggnog!
dr190119 -- I can't believe you shrank my Santa short! Serves you right, Ralph! - You said you were going to wear it every day until I got sick of it... - And now I'll never have to look at it again! - How did *I* get involved in this?
dr190120 -- ROWF ROWF ROWF! - Stop barking, Wally! I'm trying to read! - ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF! - ...Sigh... - If you don't stop barking, I'm afraid it's OUTSIDE! - ROWF ROWF ROWF! Fine. You asked for it! - 
dr190121 -- What are you so happy about? I'll bet you're not happy, you're HUNGRY! - Pretty sneaky! You are happy to get my attention, and hope I'll remember to feed you! - Hi there, honeybunch! * * *
dr190122 -- DONUTS Hi, Ralph! - Long time, no see! - I was here twelve hours ago! Like I said...
dr190123 -- You know the phrase "go the extra mile"? Yes. - Why would anyone do that? Then you'd be a mile past where you were going! - Then you'd have to turn around and go back a mile. It would waste gas. - DANG! A golf course is not the place to
dr190123 -- overthink things.
dr190124 -- WHACK - What a beautiful drive! High and far and straight! - Well, high and straight! You drove it all the way to the ladies' tee!
dr190125 -- I'm in the rough AGAIN! - BOY I'm having a bad day! Don't get discouraged, dad! - Calmly select the club you think gives you the best chance of making an accurate shot. - Or, just whack it with your golf bag!
dr190126 -- I'm sorry to hear you had a frustrating day on the golf course, Ralph. Maybe I need a new set of clubs for my birthday, honeybunch! - You just got a new set for Christmas! Yes, but apparently they're not tree-resistant!
dr190127 -- - Dang! This is a long signal! - push! - WAIT! I AM waiting! - WAIT! Why is it taking so long? - push! push! WAIT! WAIT! Easy for you to say! It's cold out here! - ...sigh... - I think the only purpose of this button is to give you someone to
dr190127 -- talk to while you're standing here all day! WAIT!
dr190128 -- You're supposed to be exercising! - I'm taking a break! - I just did five sit-ups! - You must be exhausted! ...not all at once, of course!
dr190129 -- zzyzx! - - ROWF! - You scared the FLEAS off me! You're welcome!
dr190130 -- OWW! BRAIN FREEZE! I ATE TOO FAST!! - SNARF! - Thanks, Wally, but you never need to save me from a bowl of ice cream!
dr190131 -- - yawn! - Yeesh! - Your mouth needs an air freshener!
dr190201 -- - - - I love the Dog Days of Winter!
dr190202 -- Well, it's about time you boys woke up! - It's almost ten! You should get up at a more reasonable hour! - Look at me! I'm up by six o'clock every morning! - And asleep in his chair every night at seven! Z
dr190203 -- The DRABBLE Guide to SUPER BOWL Terminology Kickoff HEY, GET OFF MY CHAIR!! - Targeting That big slice is mine! - Hike Dad, will you PLEASE pull up your sweatpants! - Flae Flicker scratch scratch scratch! - Halftime Show Dibs on the bathroom!
dr190203 -- I called it first! Outta my way!! - Unnecessary Roughness Eww! Daddy forgot to shave! - Lateral Hey, pass me those chips! - Rushing the Passer NOW!
dr190204 -- Why are you following me around, Wally? - I'm hungry! - And don't tell me you're hungry! I fed you ten minutes ago! - And your point is...?
dr190205 -- What now, Wally? - I'm pretty sure you forgot to feed me! - I fed you half an hour ago! - Yeah, but that was half an hour ago!
dr190206 -- Wally, you could learn a lot form Oogie! - See how he tells me he's hungry? He doesn't follow me around like you do... - He just gently snuggles! - When's dinner, honeybunch? OH, KNOCK IT OFF!
dr190207 -- Feed me! Feed me! Feed me! - What on earth do you want? Did I forget something? - Oh, now I remember! - I forgot to give you a bath! Stop laughing!
dr190208 -- - scroll scroll scroll - DANG! - I hate it when I think of a hilarious comment to a tweet, but somebody beats me to it!
dr190209 -- I like to be festive for every holiday... - How do you like my Valentine's day necklace? - It's not bad. - It's certainly better than your Groundhog Day earrings!
dr190210 -- The kids and I are running late, Ralph! We'll have to take two cars to church! - You go now and save us five seats up front! - You want me to save FIVE SEATS?? Actually, the McGregors asked us to save seats for them, too. They have four kids!
dr190210 -- - HOW DO I SAVE ELEVEN SEATS?!! - Just lay your jacket across the pew! My jacket's not that big! - I'm sure you'll figure something out! - I sure wish they'd hurry up!
dr190211 -- Would you like to go out with me on Valentine's Day, Wendy? - No, I have plans. What already? - Not to go out with you. - It's nice to know, I'm in her plans!
dr190212 -- I picked out a Valentine's card for you, honeybunch! - I picked out one for you too, dear! - Awww...that's nice! How sweet! - So I guess we don't have to buy them now! He's such a cheapskate!
dr190213 -- So where do I go when it's Valentine's day and I don't have a date? - Bulk Club! There are lots of distractions here! Free samples, a great snack bar... - Maybe I'll even try out the massaging recliners! - NORMAN! ECHO!
dr190214 -- Echo! What are you doing at Bulk Club on Valentine's Day? I don't have a date. - Me neither. Bulk Club is my favorite store. I love the free samples and the snack bar! - I also like to try out the massage recliners! I like to set it at level
dr190214 -- five! I prefer to set it at level six! - Level five is better! We're so different.
dr190215 -- The doctor said I need to check my weight regularly, so here goes... - Hey! It looks like I've dropped a few pounds! - Are you sure your shadow gives you an accurate reading? Close enough! I hate scales!
dr190216 -- Whoa! I didn't see that plot twist coming! - Did you, dad? - Dad? Your father has never seen the end of any show that comes on at ten! ZZYZX!
dr190217 -- Now we're talking! - I always knew this day would come! - At last I can say it... - Our house has the best Christmas lights on the entire street! Not as much competition in February.
dr190218 -- - I'M HOME! - - There's nothing like being greeted at the front door by guilty-looking dog!
dr190219 -- * I can't hear myself think! - ALEXA, STOP! - Why did you stop the music? I love that song! Why do you always... HONEYBUNCH, STOP! - I mean, what did you say? Tell me more! Don't ask me for help here.
dr190220 -- ? - - - What? WALLY
dr190221 -- Dinnertime, Wally! - - SNARF - At least let me put your dish on the floor!
dr190222 -- Hey, toss me that throw pillow! - WAP! - I said "toss." - They're called throw pillows for a reason!
dr190223 -- The awards show is on tomorrow night! - We'll find out who the world's best actor is! - Trust me, I already know! PLEASE give me a potato chip! I'm STARVING!
dr190224 -- Sigh... - What's wrong? Nothing. - Then why do you sigh? - I don't know. What's wrong with sighing? - Just because a person sighs doesn't mean something is wrong! - Don't take it personally. People sigh all the... - Sigh... What's wrong?
dr190225 -- Sigh... - - Just when you thought winter would never end, along comes spring training on the radio!
dr190226 -- DANG IT ! THEY LOST AGAIN! Relax, dad. It's only February! - Who in the world gets upset over exhibition baseball games? Bring on exhibition football season!
dr190227 -- pick pick claw claw! Knock it off! - claw claw pick pick! - WALLY! WHERE'S THE KITTY?! - Teamwork! ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF!
dr190228 -- ...Sigh... - Wally, why are you following me around? - I just fed you! - Now I want you to feed the cat!
dr190301 -- Aww... - Wally loves to sunbathe! - Never say "bathe" to Wally!
dr190302 -- BURGER 93! Order number 93! - Are you 93? No, but sometimes I feel like it! - Ha ha ha! - Nope. 93!
dr190303 -- - What's wrong, Ralph? - Do you want to go outside? - There you go. - Now you want back in? - For heaven's sake! I just let you out there two seconds ago! - I've heard that dogs resemble their owners after a while, but I guess it can go the
dr190303 -- other way, too! scratch scratch scratch!
dr190304 -- After giving the matter extensive consideration - I hereby change my second-favorite color to purple. - TWEET! - What did people do before social media? Kept their idiotic thoughts to themselves!
dr190305 -- Today is the anniversary of the day Wendy and I met. - This calls for a celebration! I wonder if she remembers... - SPLOOSH! - YOU REMEMBERED!! Remembered what?
dr190306 -- HEY! - What's going on here?? - I've suddenly lost literally half of my followers! - I'm down to one! Sorry. It was nothing personal!
dr190307 -- - - - Just because I haven't given you one, doesn't mean I can't see you!
dr190308 -- DONUTS What brings you in at two A.M:, Ralph? - Insomnia again? I'm afraid so. - It's very hard to sleep when you know there's a donut shop that's open all night!
dr190309 -- One for me...one for you! - One for me...one for me.. - One for me...one for me... - One for you! Who taught this guy to count?
dr190310 -- - - shove shove! stuff stuff! - STOMP STOMP! - SQUASH - CRAM CRAM! - Maybe next time you could just empty the kitchen trash when it's full! The kitchen trash is never full!
dr190311 -- I did it, Ralph! I booked a cruise! - Just you and me! No kids and no pets! Nice! - I'm going to miss you! Tell me again why we're doing this! yawn
dr190312 -- Aren't cruise ships exciting, Ralph? They're so huge! So much to see and do! - Let's walk around and get acclimated! - I found the self-service ice cream! I'm acclimated!
dr190313 -- You can't be too careful, honeybunch! - One sick passenger can get everybody sick! - Never touch the handrails or door handles! They're covered with germs! - What about that soft serve handle? C'est la vie!
dr190314 -- Look, Ralph! They have the photos for sale! What photos? - The photos they took of all the passengers as they boarded! Hey! There we are! - Good heavens! We look terrible! We sure do! - Let's buy this couple's photo instead!
dr190315 -- DING! - We'll wait for the next elevator. I sure wish the buffet wasn't on the 15th floor!
dr190316 -- Look, Ralph...see this sign on our cabin door? - One side says "Please make up room"... - And the other side says "Privacy please". - When you hang it on our door again, make sure it's on the correct side! OK, but our steward was more
dr190316 -- embarrassed than anyone!
dr190317 -- Isn't it wonderful to be on a cruise, Ralph? Yes, but we're not docking at any ports today. - What's there to do all day long? Well, there's an art show at ten... - Oh, that sounds fun! And a dance class at noon. - Wow! There's a gallery tour
dr190317 -- at three! - I'm in! A shuffleboard lesson at four. - Neato! A jewelry lecture at seven, and astronomy gazing at nine! - - How come really boring things sound more interesting on a cruise ship? What a fascinating question!
dr190318 -- I'm going to the gym, Ralph. The GYM?? - What for? We're on a cruise ship! We're here to RELAX! - I like working out! OK, fine. I have things to do, too! - Like what? My income taxes!
dr190319 -- Is this the only kind of lettuce you have? - What kind do you want? Iceberg! - Never say "Iceberg" on a cruise ship!
dr190320 -- - - - The waves are choppy tonight! Let's find a table closer to the buffet!
dr190321 -- We've been on this ship for almost two weeks. I'm starting to feel seasick! - That stands to reason. You know you're not AIRsick! Or CABsick! - HA! snort! - Boy, I'm funny! Maybe I'm just getting HE-sick!
dr190322 -- WELCOME HOME MOM & DAD! Our room was on the 5th floor, and the buffet was on the 15th! ...and we never took the elevator! You climbed up ten flights of stairs every day?? - Actually, more like TEN times a day! I guess that explains it! Yeah,
dr190322 -- not many people LOSE weight on a cruise!
dr190323 -- - - What's up with dad? - He just spent two weeks on a cruise ship. Am I the only one feeling this earthquake?
dr190324 -- - CLOMP! - - - - - - RIP! RIP! SHRED! - Kite flying is not as much fun with a wiener dog! Can we play badminton again sometime?
dr190325 -- What the... - Why is there a hair on my keyboard? - Another one! - No, Ralph. They're not falling from the sky!
dr190326 -- These reading glasses don't help much! - Try these. - Better! His glasses need glasses!
dr190327 -- Darn it! - These return address labels are hard to peel off! - Why don't you just pay your bills online like the rest of the world? - I thought using return address labels was cutting edge!
dr190328 -- There's nothing as wonderful as a baseball's opening day! - This is going to be a long season! What a difference nine innings make!
dr190329 -- Come on in, Ralph! Sorry. I'm on a diet! - That was awkward! - Especially after they honored me with a statue! DONUTS
dr190330 -- There's nothing like hitting the perfect drive! - CLANK! - KERPLUNK! - And that that was definitely nothing like it.
dr190331 -- Things that your DOG NEVER EVER THINKS - Aren't I about due for a bath? - You can't fool me! You're just going to fake a throw! - I sure miss my vet! - No thanks. I'm stuffed. - By all means, relax and enjoy your dinner. I'll just watch!
dr190331 -- Oogie - KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK That's probably somebody very nice. - Kitchen garbage. Yuck! - I'M HOME! You again?
dr190401 -- Be right back! - !! - Why didn't you tell me my hair looked ridiculous? - Well, we got married and one thing led to another...
dr190402 -- Allow me to mark my ball! - * My dad is the only golfer I know who marks his ball with a donut!
dr190403 -- Sit down, Norman. I have some fatherly advice... - "Te definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over!" - I know, dad. - You keep telling me that! I do? Sorry!
dr190404 -- I think it's important to write down our thoughts and experiences regularly... - So I've encouraged each of our children to keep a log! - I think you need to explain it a little better to Norman!
dr190405 -- Alexander, play some classical music! - Alexander, don't you dare! Play country music! - Alexander, play classical! Alexander, don't listen to her! Play country! - Alexander, CLASSICAL! Alexander, COUNTRY! Hey, Google...help!
dr190406 -- Ralph, I want you to take this test. It will determine your ancestry! - But you can only do it when you haven't eaten for the last half-hour. - So, when can you do it? Well, let's see... - You'll probably have to wake me up in the middle of
dr190406 -- the night!
dr190407 -- Sit up, Wally! - Good boy! - Spin around! - Good boy! - Shake hands! - Good boy! - I've got him trained to give me a snack every time I do a trick! I'll never be that hungry!
dr190408 -- Kids, we're going to visit our uncle Mike! - He used to be a businessman, but he gave it all up and moved to the desert to raise alpacas! - Why? That's a good question. - Why would anyone go to the desert to visit him? That's an even better
dr190408 -- question!
dr190409 -- I think this is Uncle Mike's Alpaca Ranch! - AAAUGHH!! - GAAAAHH!!! - AAAHHH!! Oh, hi, uncle Mike!
dr190410 -- Welcome to my alpaca ranch! It's nice to see you again, uncle Mike! - Although you look a little different! - I guess that's what happens when you spend so much time with alpacas! - You look different too! He's starting to resemble our TV
dr190410 -- remote.
dr190411 -- Alpacas are highly intelligent animals. They are similar to, and often confused with the llama! - What llama? Wait, we're not llamas? MOST of them are intelligent!
dr190412 -- Alpacas make a variety of sounds, including humming! - They hum when they are happy, worried, curious or cautious. - * * * Or when they've got a song stuck in their mind. That explains why I keep hearing "It's a small world."
dr190413 -- Hey, I just read an interesting fact about alpacas! - They spit when they find something irritating! - And they can spit up to ten feet! Make it eleven!
dr190414 -- - - - - - - - - I forgot what w were doing!
dr190415 -- WALLY knock knock knock BADGER! - Don't worry, family! I'll chase him away!! ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF - Stop barking, Wally! I promise it isn't a badger! - Could be a vet!
dr190416 -- I'm going to lunch with my friend No-Neck! - Care to join us? No thanks. - It's always embarrassing how you two fight over the bill. - It's YOUR TURN! No, it's YOUR turn!
dr190417 -- See, Wally, there are no badgers around! That's what YOU think! - Badgers are smart, fast, and really, really clever! - I know because I chased one once! - He was dressed as a package delivery guy!
dr190418 -- Soon the Easter Bunny will will sneak into our house and hide all the eggs, Penny! I'm so excited! - And so is Wally! The Easter Bunny doesn't come down the chimney, Wally. Go ahead! Make my day!
dr190419 -- - grrrr - grrrr - No one looks forward to the Easter Bunny's arrival more than Wally! grrr
dr190420 -- - Happy Easter! What are you doing? - I'm waiting for someone! - Who? Somebody called the Easter Badger!
dr190421 -- Let's find the Easter eggs! - Nothing in the philodendron! - None behind the bookcase! - Nothing under the couch! - This is weird! Where are all the Easter eggs? Why can't we find any? - You snooze, you lose!
dr190422 -- - - - Thank you. - Great bladders think alike.
dr190423 -- I need a paper clip. Why? - I forgot to iron my shirt, and the collar is sticking out. - Don't be ridiculous, Norman! You can't fix a crooked collar with a PAPER CLIP! - Use a stapler!
dr190424 -- - Wally! Why are you always under my feet? - You're going to trip me! - STOP IT! Well, you're the one who keeps moving your feet around!
dr190425 -- Wally's home! How did it go, Wally? - Have I mentioned lately how much I hate going to the vet?
dr190426 -- I hate having to wear this thing! - It's so embarrassing! - At least I'm not the only one! - The things I do for my dog!
dr190427 -- I'm sorry you have to wear that thing, Wally. - Look at the bright side... - shake shake shake shake - It doubles as a food dish! munch munch crunch crunch
dr190428 -- We're just going to Aunt Nadine's house for a little while! Don't worry, we'll be back by four o'clock at the latest! What could be sillier than explaining where we're going to a cat? If you need us, Bob, we'll be at Aunt Nadine's!
dr190429 -- - - The answer is eleven. What was the question? - How many CVS receipts does it take to circle the moon and back?
dr190430 -- - It's not raining anymore! - Oh, OK... - My umbrella has a sunroof!
dr190501 -- Would you like me to give you a ride home, Norman? - That would be great, Echo! - Just remember to keep your hands and arms inside the car! - Sorry. I got a job at the amusement park, and I'm already losing my mind!
dr190502 -- I just got a job as a ride operator at the amusement park, and I'm already losing my mind! - Every day I'm responsible for the safety of thousands of people! - Oh, well...here's my car! - Before you get in, let's make sure you meet the height
dr190502 -- requirement! You must be this tall
dr190503 -- My new job as a ride operator has me so stressed out! - Everyone's safety depends on ME! - Let's drive somewhere fun to take your mind off it! Good idea, Norman! Let's go!! - But first, please tug on your seat belt so I can see that it's
dr190503 -- fastened!
dr190504 -- Here we are back at your house, Norman! - Thanks for suggesting that we take a drive! It took my mind off of my stressful job as a ride operator! - It's so nice to have a clear head again! Thanks! You're welcome, Echo! - Please exit to your
dr190504 -- right, and enjoy the rest of your day here at the most magical place on earth!
dr190505 -- - - - yawn! - ZZYZX - - SNARF! - Mark my words. I will get that ball someday. People are just so dang cute!
dr190506 -- You need to order the veggie burger, Ralph! It's better for you! - I'll have the veggie burger, and add pickles and onions, please. - And for you, sir? I'll have a veggie burger, too. - And a strip of bacon and a hamburger patty, please!
dr190507 -- Wally is fast! - But not as fast as Oogie! And I'm only jogging!
dr190508 -- What now, Wally? - Is it time for dinner? - You just had breakfast 30 seconds ago! - This is going to be a long day!
dr190509 -- Red light. ... Sigh... - Push Button to Cross WAIT! - WAIT! WAIT! WAIT! WAIT! WAIT! WAIT! WAIT! WAIT! WAIT! WAIT! WAIT! WAIT! - Green light! The squeaky wheel...
dr190510 -- Hewwo, widdo Wally. - Do Wally want thum num-nums? - Why do you speak baby-talk to him? He understands big words. Watch... - Veterinarian!
dr190511 -- ZZZ... Honeybunch... Z - Can I have another bowl of... Ice cream? No. - Z*Z - She finishes my sentences, even when I talk in sleep! Z
dr190512 -- Keep Wally the Wiener Dog in the living room. - I don't want him in the kitchen while I'm busy! - OK, mom! - I'll put the doggie gate here... - And I'll block this exit by moving the couch! - That should do it! Thank you! - Hoh did you
dr190512 -- escape? I'm a descendant of THE GREAT HOUDOXI!
dr190513 -- Always put the cover back on your putter after each hole, Norman! How come? - If you take care of your clubs, they'll take care of you! Treat them with respect! - I always put the cover back on my driver, too!
dr190514 -- My new rangefinder sure helps me on the golf course! - I'm exactly 172 yards away! - From the pin? No, the food cart!
dr190515 -- This might be your ball over here, dad! - What kind of ball did you hit? - It was either a Nike or a Callaway or a Titleist or a Top-Flite! - This one's a Range Ball! Close enough!
dr190516 -- - Wow, that was the nicest bathroom I've ever seen on a golf course! - I think that was someone's condo!
dr190517 -- WHACK! - That was almost a perfect drive! - If only it had gone a little bit farther and straighter, and hadn't hit a tree and bounced into a river! So close.
dr190518 -- What a lousy day on the golf course! - I lost two dozen golf balls! - You also lost your golf bag and all of your clubs! Yeah, maybe I should go back and fish 'em out of the lake!
dr190519 -- Coming to the amusement park just isn't the same anymore. - It used to be for kids. - Now it's the adults who wear funny hats and shirts. They even get MARRIED here! - Tickets, parking, food, and souvenir prices have all skyrocketed, and yet
dr190519 -- it's more crowded here than ever! - It doesn't matter how long the lines get, nobody seems to mind! - People are so in love with this place, it's kind of weird! - Does this mean you no longer want us to scatter your ashes over the log edge?
dr190519 -- I'm definitely having second thoughts!
dr190520 -- Father's Day is just around the corner, honeybunch... - Forget it, Ralph. You can't have one of those! - But it would save money in the long run! - I'm not buying you a 3-D donut printer!
dr190521 -- * Come here, fly! - Don't be scared! - I'm not going to hurt you! - I'm just going to flush you down the toilet!
dr190522 -- You got ANOTHER slice of pizza, Ralph? - Yeah, I love this buffet! - Something about this place reminds me of Italy! - Maybe it's the leaning tower of pizza plates!
dr190523 -- No hurry, but when you have time, will you bring a box down from the attic? Sure! - Take your time, no rush! - - drum drum drum... "No rush" is a nice way of saying "RIGHT NOW!"
dr190524 -- WALLY - - - I found the remote! The cat did it!
dr190525 -- DONUTS Mr. Drabble! We were worried about you! - You come in every morning exactly at 7:25! - Today you didn't get here until 7:29! - I have a life, you know!
dr190526 -- Why can't I get this sunscreen spray bottle to work? - It has a locking cap. You have to twist it! - I still can't get it to work! Here. - Why would sunscreen need a locking cap anyway? - Is our society so corrupt that we need to LOCK UP our
dr190526 -- SUNSCREEN?? - Are we afraid of sunscreen bandits? - Is there a mad sunscreen sprayer on the loose?? What else should have a lock on it? Deodorant? Lip balm?? - Try to get some sleep now, Ralph! Maybe they should put a little keypad on the
dr190526 -- bottle so we can enter our sunscreen passcode!
dr190527 -- *ahem* - *ahem!* - I don't seem to be selling any. You need to work on your spiel, Norm!
dr190528 -- peanuts here You need to speak up, Norm! - It's just not my nature, dad. I'm a quiet guy! I don't like to yell! - STRIKE?? THAT BALL WAS HIGH!! - peanuts. anybody want peanuts?
dr190529 -- Excuse me! Sorry! Coming through! Pardon me! Ow!! Hey! - Here's your bag or peanuts! Thanks. - You kicked over my soda! Next time, just pass it down the row! Duh! Now why didn't *I* think of that? I could offer a theory!
dr190530 -- TIME! WAP! - SORRY! BAD THROW!
dr190531 -- CATCH! - BEHIND THE BACK! - HERE YOU GO! - I sure hope there's a peanut vendor's wing in the Hall of Fame!
dr190601 -- I'm all out of peanuts, dad! - Good job, Norm! You#re turning into quite a salesman! - See how much easier it is when you toss the peanuts and pass the money down the aisle? - Money?
dr190602 -- PEANUTS HERE! I'LL TAKE ONE! - Just pass the money down the aisle! - - ? - - - - - Here you go! - Next time, pass it down the OTHER way!
dr190603 -- Don't be lazy, Norm. - If you want to climb the ladder of success... - All it takes is a little energy! - Isn't there any escalator of success?
dr190604 -- I've git indigestion! - I need something to settle my stomach! - You think leftover pizza will settle your stomach? You never know until you try!
dr190605 -- ? - - Excuse me. This one is mine! - If this is a memory pillow, how come it's always on the wrong side of the bed?
dr190606 -- In order to weigh you, Wally, we have to weigh us together! - Hmm...we've gained a little weight. - I may have to put you on a diet! - Hopefully, it was just his McFlurry!
dr190607 -- scratch scratch Stupid allergies! - skratch skritch! Uh-oh! I think this is poison ivy! - Dang mosquitos! skritch skritch! No wonder dad calls himself a scratch golfer!
dr190608 -- Yuk! This cottage cheese is old! - The expiration date is June 7! Relax. That's just the "sell-by" date. - It just means the store needed to sell it by June 7, not that it goes bad on June 7. - June 7, *2001*! It's fine.
dr190609 -- This is such a dangerous hole, I don't even know which club to use! - If I hit it too short, the ball will end up in the creek! - If I hit it too far, it will end up in the canyon! - If it goes to the right, I'll loose it in the trees! - If
dr190609 -- it goes left, I'll loose it in the swamp! - OK, so what's your strategy? - I'm going to putt it down the cart path!
dr190610 -- WOOSH WOOSH WOOSH - It's gonna be labor day by the time you're done. - I could blow up this pool faster without an audience!
dr190611 -- I bought you another squeak toy, Wally! - OK, GO! - Squeak! Squeak! Squeaky! Squawk! SQUEAK! Squeaky! Squeak! Squeak! Rip! Tear! SHRED! squeaky! squeak! - Time! Eleven seconds! That squeak toy lasted longer than the last one!
dr190612 -- I love my doggie door! - - I'm home! - How come I'm still inside?
dr190613 -- Want to play a game? - You reach for the ball, but I'll get it first and then run away with it! - What kind of game is that? It's called WALLYBALL!
dr190614 -- Yeesh! - Is this one of those magic mirrors that shows you what you're going to look like in thirty years?? Yeah, let's go with that!
dr190615 -- I know it's early, but everyone get into the car! - Church starts in ten minutes! - Tie goes up here, belt goes down there! Yawn. Sigh...
dr190616 -- Why do we have to turn around? Mom says she can't hit the ball if we're all looking at her. -This could be a long afternoon! - DARN! Try not to breathe so loud back there!
dr190617 -- Every time I look in the mirror, I look old and sloppy! - You don't look that bad, dad! - Just tuck in your shirt! I'm not WEARING a shirt!
dr190618 -- Supermarket I'd like to express my appreciation for your outstanding dairy case! I'd also like to express concern for your produce department. - ...Sigh... EXPRESS LINE I'd also like to express my disappointment in aisle 5.
dr190619 -- pant pant pant! - pant pant pant! - YEESH! - Dog breath is no match for onion ring breath!
dr190620 -- GLUT-O-RAMA I'm going to sit here, honeybunch. I need a clear view of the buffet line. - Occasionally the crowd around the soft serve machine dies down... - And I have to be ready to pounce because... - Way to pounce!
dr190621 -- How was Liv's birthday party? - Great! We had pizza, strawberry ice cream, chocolate cake and jelly beans! - I even got a party bag! Oh... - I was hoping it was a doggie bag!
dr190622 -- How does everyone like their hot dogs? Medium! Well-done! - Oops! Dropped on the ground!
dr190623 -- yawn! - - - - - I wish Sundays lasted longer! You could try waking up before noon!
dr190624 -- I feel like I'm on top of the world, Ralph! Really? Why's that, honeybunch? - You keep the air conditioner set so low, it's like living at the north pole!
dr190625 -- DONUTS Good morning, Mr. Drabble! Here's your donut! - Hey, this donut feels lighter than usual! - You're not making them smaller, are you? No, sir! Just the opposite! - We're making the holes bigger! Oh, OK then!
dr190626 -- Ha ha ha! That's awake! text text text - Oops, I mean, that's aware! I mean, that's awkward! Dang it! Darn! text text - I mean, that's awesome! texty text text - Why call it autocorrect when it's usually incorrect?
dr190627 -- Hi, Norm! Hello, Stu! - Why are you wearing a lifejacket? It's just a precaution. - You never know when you might find yourself on a boat that's sinking. I like to be prepared. - I'm also wearing a parachute!
dr190628 -- Hmm...those pants are a size too big for me. - And these pants are a size too small for me. - Oops! - Now I can tell people I've dropped two sizes!
dr190629 -- I can't believe it's almost JULY! - It seems like we just took down the Christmas tree! - Speaking of that... - Maybe we should take the lights off our house! But if we leave 'em up, they won't get tangled!
dr190630 -- munch munch - - crunch crunch crunch - - munch - Wally, I don't mind if you sit on my lap... - BUT NOT IN MY CHIPS BOWL!
dr190701 -- DADDY! THERE'S A UFO OUTSIDE! - A UFO?? - Oh, thanks! That's dad's donut delivery drone!
dr190702 -- Hey, Boogle! What's the capital of Turkey? - Uhh...beats me. - Alexander! What's the capital of Turkey? There's a state named Turkey? You need to stop buying knock-off brands.
dr190703 -- SQUEAK SQUEAK Sigh... - Give me a break, Wally! We play ball every day! - Can't you wait until the sun comes up? - We're playing a night game!
dr190704 -- Hey, Wally! It's the fourth of July! - skattle skattle skattle skattle - Wally understands "Vet," "Bath" and "Fourth of July." It's gonna be a loud night!
dr190705 -- Wally! Did you get into the trash? Did you?? - Look at me when I'm talking to you! - OK, don't look at me!
dr190706 -- This is the life! Nothing says "Summertime" like lounging in a hammock! - Shouldn't be hammocks outdoors? Too hot out there.
dr190707 --  Yawn! - - SQUEAK - squeak squeak squeak squeak - squeak squeak SQUEAK squeaky squeak SQUEAKY squeak SQUEAK squeak squeaky SUQAK squeak squeaky squeak squeak squakky squeak squeak squeak squekity squak SQUEAK squeak squeak squeakity squak
dr190707 -- squak SQUEAKY squeak SQUAK SQUAK You guys couldn't sleep either?
dr190708 -- This new scrub brush really works great, honeybunch! I'm glad to hear it! - Now if I could only get him to wash DISHES! - He sure has a lot of golf balls!
dr190709 -- I'm considering taking the kids on a camping trip! - Therefore, I'm making a list of "Do's" and "Don'ts". - So far, I have 17 "Do's" and only one "Don't". - What's the "Don't"? Don't go camping.
dr190710 -- This is a tough shot, dad. I recommend taking a three-wood. - I have a better idea. Start driving the golf cart... - I'll chip the ball into the cart, and you can drive it up to the green! - That'll never work! It worked last time!
dr190711 -- Hey, Steinbauer! Your barbecue smoke is blowing over here! - Anything you can do about it? - Nope! whirrrr!
dr190712 -- Ralph, I know you don't get along with Mr. Steinbauer, but he's our neighbor! - You need to make an effort to be nice! You're right. I'll go talk to him. NEXT! Ralph Drabble is a Moron. /Change my Mind!/
dr190713 -- Ralph, I know Mr. Steinbauer is not your favorite neighbor... - But you stay on your side of the fence and he'll stay on his! - You'll never even have to see each other! - Except when he's on his trampoline!
dr190714 -- Bye, dad! Bye, Norm. - Forgot my keys. - Bye! Bye! - Forgot my wallet! - Bye! Bye. - Forgot my phone! Bye! - Aren't you gonna say bye? WILL YOU GET OUTA HERE?!!
dr190715 -- Guess what, kids! I bought myself a burial plot! - What?? Now, when the time comes, everything will be take care of! - I thought you just wanted us to put you in the recycle bin. I did, but I found out there's a 200-pound limit.
dr190716 -- Why did you buy a burial plot, dad? - Because the cemetery sent us an ad recommending we pick our plots now because they're going fast! - My plot has a beautiful view of the mountains! - It was a little more expensive but why not live a
dr190716 -- little?
dr190717 -- My cemetery plot is in a prime location! - Nearby parking, great school district... - Minutes to shopping and dining! - I CAN'T WAIT! Please don't tell me people are dying to get in!
dr190718 -- What are you so chipper about, Ralph? I just took a load off my mind, Steinbauer. - We got an ad in the mail, and I bought a cemetery plot! Now I know I'll spend the eternity in peace and serenity! - I got that ad, too! I'll be in plot
dr190718 -- E-42! - I just bought E-43! WHAT??
dr190719 -- Hello, Serenity Acres? This is Mr. Drabble! I just bought a burial plot, but I need to cancel the transaction! - My obnoxious neighbor bought the plot next to mine, and I... - WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN'T CANCEL?? - Trust me, I've already spent
dr190719 -- an eternity next to that nitwit!
dr190720 -- I can't believe we bought burial plots right next to each other, Steinbauer! - That reminds me...promise you'll keep everything dignified, Ralph! - Buy yourself a nice black suit and tie! No sweatpants! - He sure knows how to take the fun out
dr190720 -- of a cemetery plot!
dr190721 -- Instead of emptying all my pockets and putting everything in trays, how about if I just hand you my cargo shorts? SECURITY CHECK Pleas empty all pockets before passing through
dr190722 -- Ralph, I know you're upset that Mr. Steinbauer bought the cemetery plot next to yours, but you need to stop obsessing about it! - Easier said than done. Ralph, can you hear me? I'm with Stupid -> <- I'm with Stupider
dr190723 -- I'm going to the gym again. Again? Why?? - Steinbauer bought the cemetery plot next to mine! I can't bear the idea of spending eternity next to that man! - Therefore, I'm taking matters into my own hands! - I intend to live forever!
dr190724 -- I can't believe your dad bought himself a cemetery plot just form looking at a brochure! - I can't believe it! - Now I REALLY can't believe it! Can't believe what? - This! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!
dr190725 -- Ralph, you won't be spending eternity next to Mr. Steinbauer! 31...32...33... - The burial plots you both bought are in a PET cemetery!! - You don't need to try to live forever! 46...47... - Say what? Never mind.
dr190726 -- Ralph, why on earth did you buy yourself a plot in a PET CEMETERY! - What were you thinking?? - I'm still not convinced this is a pet cemetery, honeybunch! - My plot is right near a guy named Mister Ed!
dr190727 -- Wanna play tennis, Patrick? - We can't. Look at th ball! - Hey, what happened to all the fuzz? - Stupid badgers!
dr190728 -- - WHIRRRR! - skattle skattle - - WHIRRRRR! - ROWF! ROWF! - - They should never let that thing out of the closet!
dr190729 -- Aww! Isn't he cute! - Good boy! - Such a nice doggy! - Who needs Facebook and Twitter? I get enough "likes."
dr190730 -- rowf rowf rowf rowf WALLY, STOP BARKING! - You're supposed to be man's best friend! - I am! - I'm also badgers' worst nightmare!
dr190731 -- Ahh! At last the house is calm and quiet! - This is the perfect opportunity to catch up on a good book! - BLING! BLING! BLING! BLING! BLING! BLING! BLING! BLING! Or that stupid group text that I can't get out of!
dr190801 -- Norm, please close the pation umbrella. - crank crank - crank crank - Has anyone seen Norman?
dr190802 -- I'm glad we decided to go camping, boys... - Everyone should experience a night in the great outdoors! - Remember, we need to wake up bright and early! - How early? Before the donuts get picked over! DONUTS closed
dr190803 -- STOP IT! MINE! LET GO! Everyone be quiet! - The next person who whines will get a time-out in the corner! - But whyyyy? - Genius!
dr190804 -- I'm bored. - Why don't you put on a puppet show for Penny? - I don't have any puppets! Make sock puppets! - It's easy! Just saw eyes and a mouth on your socks! It works great! Any simpleton can do it! - Good idea! Come on, Penny! - What so I
dr190804 -- do when my feet get tired?
dr190805 -- WAP! Oh, come on, honeybunch! - WAP! You can do better than that! - WAP! Can't you throw it in that great big hole! - Cute.
dr190806 -- Cornhole is the perfect sport for Norman. - It requires no athleticism, and it's completely safe! - Help! Wrong again!
dr190807 -- - SNARF! - THAT'S GOALTENDING! Cornhole is more exciting with a strong defense!
dr190808 -- - SKREECH! - The Dog Days of Summer are a blast! SKREECH! SPLASH!
dr190809 -- Yikes! Water! Cats HATE water! - Like I said, the Dog Days of Summer are a blast! - I'll show you a blast... - BLAM!
dr190810 -- SIT! - Not you!
dr190811 -- BURGERS Hello! May I take your order, please? - Yes, I'll just have one cheeseburger...no, make it a hamburger... - One large...I mean, one small bag of fries, one small bag of onion rings... - A small diet root beer... - One small chocolate
dr190811 -- shake, hold the whipped cream... - And two...I mean, one chocolate chip cookie! - Anything else? I guess not. - I hate being on a diet!
dr190812 -- rowf rowf rowf rowf! - Wally, stop barking! rowf rowf ro.. - You're so annoying! I'm not annoying! - I'm just dachshundy!
dr190813 -- I heard that drive-thru restaurants are considering using license plate recognition to identify customers! - I thought they already did that! - Why else would everyone in town know you? Hey, Ralph! You're late! Bennet's Burgers
dr190814 -- It's such a nice day... - I don't know whether to hit golf balls or work in the yard. - Why do you like to talk to yourself? - It's the only way I can finish a... Sentence?
dr190815 -- skattle skattle skattle - Wait, do I really want to go outside? - It's nice out here, but a little warmer inside! There's more to sniff out here though... - Make up your mind! I'm late for work! Decisions decisions...
dr190816 -- Would you like me to sit with you? - I'd snuggle with you to keep you warm! - Whew! It's got to be 90 degrees in here! - I'll take that as a yes!
dr190817 -- rowf rowf rowf - Stop barking at the door, Wally! - Trust me, there are no badgers. How can you be sure? - That's a closet. He could be hanging up his jacket!
dr190818 -- I'm back with the balloons! - Now we can decorate the house for Penny's party! - BLAM! - One of them popped! - Those balloons were expensive! - This is an outrage! - Please don't tell me you're going back to the balloon store to demand your
dr190818 -- money back! That would be embarrassing! I'm not! - Customer Service How may I help you? ...Sigh...
dr190819 -- Wally is a great lifeguard. - Until he heard someone open the refrigerator!
dr190820 -- Now OOGIE is our lifeguard?? How could a cat save us from drowning? - POP! - You had to ask!
dr190821 -- Good morning, Wally! - I can't believe you're still asleep! - What a lazy dog! LAZY?? _ I'm already on my second nap!
dr190822 -- Happy Friday, everybody!! - Today is Thursday- I know. - No one wishes anyone a happy Thursday! That would be dumb! - I'm trying to give you something to look forward to! I'm looking forward to turning your room into a den.
dr190823 -- lap lap lap lap lap! - Why does he like to do that? He's a lap dog!
dr190824 -- - Let's go inside. We're getting all wet!
dr190825 -- - - GRRRRR!! - - Remind me to leave Wally indoors next time we play cornhole! I HOPE ALL YOU BADGERS WERE WATCHING!!
dr190826 -- Hi, honeybunch! It's just me! I came home a little early! - Uh-oh! She's listening to music! She can't hear me! * la la la * - She's going to be startled when she sees me! It can be dangerous to startle honeybunch! - I should go back to work!
dr190826 -- It's safer! * la la *
dr190827 -- * la la * She didn't hear me come home early, and I'm afraid I'm going to scare her! - She startles so easily, and then gets upset! - Oh, well, it's not like she'll scream and the neighbors will call 911 and I'll get tasered. - What are the
dr190827 -- odds of that happening again? * la la *
dr190828 -- Honeybunch didn't hear me come home early. * la la la * - When she sees me, she's going to scream! - I've got to somehow sneak out of here! I have an idea... - A bad idea. My doggie door??
dr190829 -- Howdy, Ralph! Steinbauer! Am I glad to see you! - Now, there's something thought I'd never say! I know you spend a lot of time in the dog house, but this is ridiculous!
dr190830 -- Don't just stand here, Steinbauer! Help me get my head out of this doggie door! - Of course, Ralph... - But first, let me tell you about this great pest control service I'm selling!
dr190831 -- How did you get your head stuck in the doggie door?? Honeybunch, there's a perfectly logical explanation... - You didn't hear me come home, and I was afraid I'd startle you! - So I tried to sneak back through the doggie door! - Okay, maybe it
dr190831 -- wasn't PERFECTLY logical... At least I got some funny pictures for Instagram!
dr190901 -- I wonder if Wally is sad that the Dog Days of Summer are drawing to a close? Oops! Bring on the Dog Days of Fall!
dr190902 -- - - - There's no place like home, but the backyard deserves honorable mention!
dr190903 -- Why do you RUN everywhere? skattle skattle skattle - Cats never run. - We conserve our energy for more important things like... - Being startled by a leaf?
dr190904 -- Pizza delivery! Yes! - Nice doggie! - Here you go! Thanks! - When a delivery guy pets the dog, I double his tip!
dr190905 -- I love the start of football season and I hate the start of football season. - I hate it because it goes by so fast! - Come to think of it, that's what I hate about the start of baseball season, too! - What do you call it when everything
dr190905 -- seems to go by too fast? Middle age.
dr190906 -- YES! - It's finally cool enough to wear my hoodie again! - It was a long summer! - I almost forgot how to put it on!
dr190907 -- Nap tine! skattle skattle - WALLY - - It could be time for a new bed!
dr190908 -- ? - - - ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF - ROWF ROWF ROWF - - Don't worry. It won't bother us anymore! Sigh...
dr190909 -- You missed it! I win! - I CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT! - SNAP! - 24h Care
dr190910 -- Here, dad! I bought you a ticket for tonight's baseball game! - Gee, thanks, Patrick! That was very thoughtful... - But I wouldn't miss going to Back-to-School night for anything! I promise I won't let him embarrass you in front of your new
dr190910 -- teacher. Did I mention it's free hot dog night at the stadium?
dr190911 -- I'm in awe of service dogs. - They're smart and brave! - Maybe someone will be in awe of ME someday! - Awww! Close enough!
dr190912 -- UNO! - You're so competitive! I'M competitive?? You're the one who pouts every time you lose!
dr190913 -- Yikes! - I look old an out of shape! - At least I can say I'm still in my forties! - My two hundred and forties!
dr190914 -- ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF - ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF - STOP BARKING AT THE LEAVES! - If I don't, who will?
dr190915 -- - - - - - - I brought this inside because it seemed like a good idea! There's never a dull moment when you have a dachshund!
dr190916 -- I must be getting older... - I used to love this time of year because baseball and football overlapped. - And hockey and basketball were right around the corner! - Now I love it because "Dancing with the Stars" comes on!
dr190917 -- Make yourself comfortable, Mr. Drabble. The dentist will be right in! - This isn't going to hurt, is it? Of course not! - It's probably not a good sign when the armrests are all clawed up!
dr190918 -- I need to tilt your chair so that I can reach that molar. - While your chair is tilting, I'll tell you a joke: Two cats and a penguin walk into a bar... whirrr! - Or is it two penguins and a cat? Let me think about this... whirrr!
dr190919 -- The sound of that high-pitched drill always scares me. - But it's not as scary as hearing your dentist cuss! @!!*!!
dr190920 -- You're done, Mr. Drabble! - I finally filled your molar. It was really difficult! - It way way in the back and down by your gum! - What a pain in the neck! I'll try to get my next cavity closer to the front.
dr190921 -- My family is so nice! - They got me some portable doggie steps so I don't have to jump on the bed! - Sigh...
dr190922 -- WALLY'S Guide to BASEBALL Terms - Spitball Eew! - Caught Stealing HEY!! - Squeeze Play How did HE get between us? - Crowding the Plate Ooogie - Slider skattle skattle skattle I hate tile floors! - 7th Inning Stretch - Screwball
dr190923 -- What the... - LEAVES! - THEY'RE FALLING EVERYWHERE!! - Yes, it's fall! Cats never seem to grasp the severity of the situation!
dr190924 -- * - - * * - Nothing cheers you up faster than finding a forgotten box of scooter pies!
dr190925 -- Time to tally my score... - On the front line, I got...let's see...45-ish. - And on the back nine, I got...42-ish! - That's 87-ish! Not bad! Way to go-ish!
dr190926 -- - snarf! - skattle skattle - - snarf! - skattle skattle skattle! - Everything ends up here! WALLY
dr190927 -- RING! WALLY - RING! RING! ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF! - Wally scares away badgers AND telemarketers!
dr190928 -- sniff! POUND! POUND! - sniff! - You're the only guy I know who posts fliers for lost golf balls! Man, those things are expensive!
dr190929 -- KLANK! - - - - - - - - Can I borrow your shoe?
dr190930 -- Alexa, turn off the kitchen light!! - Alexa, turn off the hall light!! - Alexa, turn off the bedroom light!! I miss the old times when we used a switch.
dr191001 -- ROWF! - ROWF ROWF ROWF? - Rowf. - Who knew Alexa could speak dachshund?
dr191002 -- Do you have a breath mint? No sorry. - No problem. I'll get something in here. - Mint chip ice cream does not count as a breath mint! Close enough!
dr191003 -- WHACK! - There's nothing like the sound of your ball landing on the green! - PIFF! - Oh, well...when your ball lands in the sand, at least you know it's not lost! Way to keep your chin up!
dr191004 -- I can't stand it anymore! - ALEXA! TURN DOWN THE TV! - OK! I'M TURNING IT DOWN! Just when I thought my neighbor couldn't get any more annoying!
dr191005 -- I hate it when dad takes time to look for a lost golf ball! - He slows up play and looks like a cheapskate. Yeah, it's embarrassing. - The only thing worse is when he looks for a lost tee! Dang! It was brand-new!
dr191006 -- Can I carve our pumpkin, mom? - Not yet, Patrick! Halloween is still three weeks away! - You need to be patient! - I know the holidays are fun, but there's no need to rush things! - I'm excited too, but you don't see ME carving the pumpkin
dr191006 -- this early! - That's because I know that patience is a virtue! OK. - Can I open one of my Christmas presents? NOT UNTIL THANKSGIVING!
dr191007 -- OW! - I hate it when I bite the inside of my mouth! - Once I do it, I always bite it again! - OW!! This is going to be a long dinner!
dr191008 -- - - - Don't you kids have sense enough to come in out of the leaves?
dr191009 -- PUNT! - - POP! - I loved that ball! Then why did you kick it?
dr191010 -- Eavesdropping Vet! - - Leaves Dropping - I can't win!
dr191011 -- Time to stock up on candy, eh, Ralph? - Yeah, I love the Halloween season. - ...or as I call it, Octoberfest!
dr191012 -- I've come to realize an important fact of life. - What's that, Dad? - Whenever my favorite team is playing on national TV... - The announcers are always pulling for the other guys.
dr191013 -- OH, NO!! MY ROAST!! - BAD DOG! YOU'RE SLEEPING OUTSIDE TONIGHT! Worth it!
dr191014 -- Good morning, Wally! Time for breakfast! - He sleeps in his dish so he doesn't have to get out of bed in the morning!
dr191015 -- Why are you sleeping in your dish? - So I won't have to get out of bed in the morning for breakfast! - If I sleep in my food dish, all I have to do is open my mouth! - That's your water dish! Really? No wonder I was feeling seasick!
dr191016 -- Pumpkins are actually a great source of fiber and betacarotene. - And spiders are very important for our ecosystem. - I've heard that Boris Karloff was actually a very sweet man. Patrick sure takes the fun out of Halloween decorating!
dr191017 -- Do we have to drive with the window open? - Wally likes it! The wind blows in his face! - Yeah, but hair blows all over the car! - Wear a hat!
dr191018 -- Don't lie on the living room couch, Ralph! - We want to keep it nice! - Don't lie on the new bedspread! We want to keep it nice! Here lies Ralph. Actually not, because we want to keep it nice.
dr191019 -- - What are you staring at? Are you looking for someone? - I think I saw a relative of yours on the neighbor's porch! - Be careful, though. He looked like a raving maniac!
dr191020 -- Carpet Cleaning - Chewed-up Pillow Repair - Increased Footspeed DROP THAT! - Noseprint Removal - Landscaping Stop digging under the fence! - Having a dachshund trains you for lots of other things in life!
dr191021 -- PUMPKINS snap! - $20?? snap! - HELP!! MY HEAD'S STUCK!!snap! - Not quite the charming autumnal photos I was hoping for! Somebody smells like the petting zoo!
dr191022 -- Why does that dog like to ride with his head out the window? - I think he likes the wind in his face! - I think he likes to smell everything. - Actually, I just like to see myself in the mirror!
dr191023 -- My friend Frankie texted me and asked what I'm doing tonight. - I hate that question. If I say I'm not busy, he'll invite me to do something I don't wan to do, and I'll be stuck! - OR he might have an extra ticket to the game tonight! Good
dr191023 -- point! I'll tell him I'm not busy! - After this, we'll get the piano!
dr191024 -- - - - N one can look at a dachshund without smiling!
dr191025 -- - - - Go back to the first one.
dr191026 -- - ZZGZGZGZGZZ - ZZGZGZGZGZZ - Why carve a pumpkin when you have a power drill?
dr191027 -- Here, Norm! I bought you a nice pair of working gloves. - You can use them when you rake up all the leaves! - rake rake rake - - rake rake - - ? - Oh, THERE they are!
dr191028 -- Congratulations, Ralph! Your house won first place in the Halloween Decorating Contest! - You created the perfect haunted house! Spooky and creepy! - Thanks, Steinbauer! I'm honored to... - Wait a minute. We didn't DO any decorating! Great
dr191028 -- job on the cobwebs!
dr191029 -- - - twist twist twist - Told ya'.
dr191030 -- They were individually wrapped... - Crunchy on the outside, creamy filling on the inside. - They were delicious! You would've loved them! - I hate it when he eats all the candy! The least I can do is tell them about it.
dr191031 -- I'll bet he ate all the Halloween candy again! Why do we still bother to come here? This is the dumbest treat ever! - A STRAW?? - You'll thank me some day! Please recycle!
dr191101 -- - - - I installed a motion detector over my candy bag. I'm starting to think you're too old for trick-or-treat.
dr191102 -- - - - What ever made me think I could cook a hot dog with a bug zapper?
dr191103 -- It's time for us to de-clutter, Ralph! Great idea, honeybunch! I've been wanting to do that for years! - It's so hard to part wit things, but we just have to do it! I agree! - OK, take these bags of stuff to the donation center. Great! -
dr191103 -- Actually, I want to keep this bag for now. Great! I'll take the other two! - And let's keep this bag because I might be able to sell some of it. Great! I'll take the other bag, and... - On second thought, I think I'd like to keep it all! - So
dr191103 -- close!
dr191104 -- Norm, it's important to start the morning off right with a good breakfast! - It's three in the afternoon! Whatever.
dr191105 -- - - Why does you pet duck have an ice pack on his head? He has a migrate headache.
dr191106 -- How come you've decided to migrate, Bob? Thanksgiving is coming...turkeys are expensive...your dad's a cheapskate. - And he's trying to fatten me up! Care for some more candy corn?
dr191107 -- Hmmm... - My nose is a little shiny. - pat pat pat - Would you like a make-up brush? No thanks. I have a powdered donut!
dr191108 -- With the holidays approaching, it's time to fill all the candy dishes! - - -
dr191109 -- You can't wear that necklace yet! - It's not even Thanksgiving! - - OK, go back to the Christmas lights!
dr191110 -- * BOODLE-OODLE-OODLE-OOP ** - Oh, hi, Grandma! - Hello, Ralph! How are you` - Fine, I guess. How are you? - Fine. - Why did you Facetime me, and why are you not fully dressed? Facetime? What's Facetime?
dr191111 -- Dad, if I tell you something I did, will you promise not to laugh at me? - HA HA HA HA HA! - Sorry, I'm just imagining what you're going to tell me! - Ha HA! Go ahead! HA HEE HEE! Snort! I'll wait 'til you're done.
dr191112 -- I love this restaurant, Echo! Even though we're so different... - I know we'll both find something we'll like! - I'll have the macaroni and cheese, with macaroni and cheese as the side! - And I'll have just the opposite! See?
dr191113 -- - ...Sigh... - Later YES! - HAPPY TRASH DAY, EVERYBODY!
dr191114 -- Did you buy tickets to the concert, dad? - Nope. The only tickets available cost $190, $195 and $199! - I can't figure out why! - The ad said tickets start at $19. That's sort of true!
dr191115 -- Good morning, Wally! - Phew! You stink! - You need to stop sleeping in your supper dish! - Who wouldn't want to smell like beef by-products and gravy?
dr191116 -- Just a reminder to silence anything that might make noise during the movie! -
dr191117 -- *** - - - - I love to watch home movies! - Why is everyone staring at me? We love to watch YOU watch home movies!
dr191118 -- You admire service dogs, don't you, Wally? - You're MY service dog! Would you like to wear a special uniform, too? - I love it!
dr191119 -- - Care for a grape, Norm? Sure! - PLINK! - He had to pick that one!
dr191120 -- Here, Ralph. Find a place for this box of junk! - - - My trunk is becoming our second attic!
dr191121 -- Somebody's hungry. WALLY - ...and would like to eat the cat's food too! OOGIE
dr191122 -- Before we enjoy this great dinner, I think we should all give thanks! - Why do we always bow our heads when we give thanks? - To keep an eye on the dog! Is that ham I smell?
dr191123 -- Hey, Alexis! - Is there anything else on Earth then Jupiter? ...Sigh... - I wish she'd just say yes or no!
dr191124 -- THINGS your DOG is THANKFUL for! - A comfortable place to sleep - A sleeping cat ROWF! - A leash, so neither of us will get lost. - That squeaky thing inside my toys. - Salty fingers lick lick lick - Your electric blanket zzyzx Z - You!
dr191125 -- Things We are THANKFUL For - I'm thankful for these 'easy open' tubes of yogurt for kids! - And I'm especially thankful that my dad can never open them! How in the world...
dr191126 -- Things we are THANKFUL For - Cats are thankful for Thanksgiving Day... - Because while you foolish people are glued to the TV, we can get into things!
dr191127 -- Things we are THANKFUL For - I'm thankful for this time of year because I can listen to Christmas music. - ...and people won't look at me funny like they do on the 4th of July! * Hark the Herald Angels Sing... *
dr191128 -- As we gather around on this table at Thanksgiving, I'd be remiss if I didn't share a few heartfelt words... - ALEXIS, SAY A FEW HEARTFELT WORDS!
dr191129 -- - Oogie just came and sat on my lap! - I guess cats aren't so aloof after all! - Actually, I didn't even see him!
dr191130 -- Before you take Wally outside, Ralph, remember it's time to start looking festive! - There! Doesn't he look great? - Wait, I have something for you, too, Ralph! -
dr191201 -- - - - - - I rotated your tires, dad! Already??
dr191202 -- Time for my yearly tradition! Every December, I read "A Christmas Carol" by Charles Dickens. - Hopefully one of these years, you'll make it to page two! ZZYZX!
dr191203 -- * On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me... * Hey, wait a minute! - It's only December 3rd! Why are you already our caroling? This is a long song!
dr191204 -- Your mom sure likes to send cards! - She sends cards for the weirdest occasions! - What's wrong with sending a Christmas card? Nothing. - This is a belated "Happy Daylight Saving time" card!
dr191205 -- - - - This is my "I didn't just eat the fruitcake" look!
dr191206 -- - - - No one takes me seriously!
dr191207 -- - - - That sure LOOKED like a cookie crumb!
dr191208 -- Patrick! Please step into my office! - We need to have a little father-and-son talk! Uh-oh! That means he's in trouble! - Not necessarily... - A father-and-son talk can also be an important learning experience! - So, in order to take a
dr191208 -- picture on your phone, first find the camera icon... Wait, let me write all this down!
dr191209 -- Honeybunch! Someone left a pie at our front door! - Isn't that nice! I love this time of year! - What kind is it? Feels like pecan.
dr191210 -- I just baked muffins. Try one! - What's in it? Squash and chocolate chips! - How do you like it? Not bad! - I ate all the chocolate chips, at least!
dr191211 -- Hold still, Norm! - CRACK CRACK - Why did you do that?? - 'tis the season for egg noggin!
dr191212 -- ? - WALLY - Aha! - How on earth did you get the top ornament? Where there's a will, there's a way!
dr191213 -- Yawn! - I'm tired. I could use a nap! - Good luck! Why do dogs expand when they sleep on the bed?
dr191214 -- Isn't it awfully cold to go caroling? - A little cold won't hurt us if we raise our voices in song. - ...and stay in the car! FA LA LA LA LA...
dr191215 -- * ...AND A PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR TREE! * - I stand corrected, Drabble...there ARE worse things than listening to your dog bark! - Why do you think we all wear earmuffs?
dr191216 -- Can you get this crossword puzzle clue...? - A four-letter word for "German Thinker Immanuel." - KANT - I can't either. That's why I'm asking!
dr191217 -- PANCAKE R' GOOD What better way to celebrate National Maple Syrup Day? I love this place! - Although I think the roof has a leak!
dr191218 -- - - - No, I definitely liked it better in the other room. Please make up your mind, honeybunch!
dr191219 -- I miss going into town to do my Christmas shopping. KNOCK KNOCK - Now I just order everything and it's delivered. It's not nearly as much fun! - Another package, Ma'am! Ooooh, thanks! - That's my story and I'm sticking to it!
dr191220 -- OUR TREE ISN'T DRINKING, RALPH! - OUR TREE ISN'T DRINKING!! - IT'S NOT EVEN CHRISTMAS YET!! - DON'T DIE!! *I* might start drinking pretty soon.
dr191221 -- Oh, isn't this sweet! I got a Christmas card, honeybunch! From who? - The ice cream scooper on the cruise ship we went on last summer! You two spent a lot of time together!
dr191222 -- CHRISTMAS TREES Hmm... - I suppose this one will do! - We'll take it! - Fine. - And here's our old one! I've never had anyone exchange a Christmas tree before! - You should've seen the guy at the pumpkin patch!
dr191223 -- Kids, it's time to sit on my lap and listen to my annual reading of "The Night Before Christmas"! I think we're getting too old for this! - You're never too old! Too heavy, maybe. The chair is too old!
dr191224 -- Goodnight, everybody! Why does dad always like to stay up by himself on Christmas Eve? It must be some kind of tradition! - I can tall you what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown! I love this part!
dr191225 -- Sorry, Wally. You can't go to the living room. - You'll run around and tear open presents and go berserk! - - On second thought, you'll fit right in!
dr191226 -- I can't believe it... - It's the day after Christmas! - You know what that means... - Only two more months of Mom's Christmas music! * Hark! The herald... **
dr191227 -- So long, old friend! - So long, older friend!
dr191228 -- Yes! There's one left! - Ralph, that donut is stale! It's been there for a week! - There is no such thing as a stale donut! - But this one deserves honorable mention!
dr191229 -- THEATER Next! - SNACK BAR Is it true that we can get free popcorn refills? - Absolutely! Great! I'll also take a root beer refill! - Yessir! And I guess I'll buy another box of bonbons, too. - You got it! - Are you enjoying your movie? It
dr191229 -- hasn't started yet!
dr191230 -- I've never been to a New Year's Eve party, Echo! - What happens at midnight? Everyone shouts "Happy New Year" and kisses the one they love! - That's nice. -
dr191231 -- I wonder if Norman would kiss me at midnight? - He's really shy. I can't even tell if he likes me! - 3...2...1.. - HAPPY NEW YEAR!! I hate New Year's Eve!
dr200101 -- I should've known Norman wouldn't kiss me! - He's way too shy to ever... - SMOOCH! - * * * +
dr200102 -- How was the New Year's Eve party? Great! - I kissed Echo at midnight! Wow! - Do you think you'll kiss her again? Absolutely! - I'm counting the days until next New Year's Eve!
dr200103 -- May I take your order? Yes, this is Ralph Drabble! - I'll have my usual. A small salad with extra carrot sticks? - No, my other usual! - One double bacon burger with chili fries coming right up! That's my usual when my wife or my doctor isn't
dr200103 -- in the car!
dr200104 -- All the decorations are finally packed and put away. - Not to be seen until next December! - It's such a good feeling to have it all done! - WALLY Something wrong?
dr200105 -- I'm home from work, honeybunch! - Well! How was your lunch at Joe's Greaseburger? - Fine. How was your shopping excursion at the Bulk Club? - Fine. How was your visit to the new ice cream parlor? - Fine. How was your other shopping excursion
dr200105 -- at the galleria? - Fine, How was the line at the taco shop drive-thru on the way home? - Fine. - Maybe it was a mistake for us to download those "Find Your Spouse" apps!
dr200106 -- The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results! - Why do you keep repeating that? I'm hoping someone will say "Good point, Norm."
dr200107 -- I think I've decided what I want to be in life, dad. What? - A judge. A judge?? That's great, son! - Of course, you'd need to go to law school first... - No, I mean like a TV talent show judge! Apparently, anyone can do it!
dr200108 -- Self-Serve-SODA - Sigh... - - I'll bet he takes more than 15 items to the express checkout lane, too!
dr200109 -- I like Wally's new sweater! Feed Me! - I saw it in a store! It seemed appropriate! munch munch! - I bought two of them! crunch crunch! Do I hear potato chips?
dr200110 -- Mom already went into the theater to save seats. - How will we find her? Easy! She knows I prefer to sit on an aisle. - Therefore, she picked seats in the dead center! Excuse us!
dr200111 -- Is it time for dinner yet? - I just fed you ten minutes ago! - OK, sorry. - My stomach has a short memory!
dr200112 -- I tried to tell him he was eating too many! All-You-Can-Eat WINGS - Even *I* think this is a dumb joke!
dr200113 -- - What are you doing? Just admiring my work, honeybunch! - Your WORK?? - All you did was stick the renewal tag on the license plate! Yes, but look how straight it is!
dr200114 -- shake shake shake - SSKKRAKK! - Whipped cream cans seem smaller than they used to be. - There was only enough in there for two cups of cocoa!
dr200115 -- pat pat pat - Why are you making such tiny snowballs? - Oh.
dr200116 -- drum drum drum - drum drum - Nope. - Time passes slowly when you have to wait for your cocoa to cool down. drum drum
dr200117 -- - - - Norm, let me explain the concept of snow shoveling...
dr200118 -- SPLAT! - GOTCHA! - SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! - Still worth it.
dr100119 -- My food dish is empty! - Is it time to eat? - Wally, I just fed you dinner three minutes ago! - ...Shigh... - How about now? - I just fed you dinner three minutes and ten seconds ago! - I'm hoping that means it's time for breakfast!
dr200120 -- skattle skattle skattle skattle - ...Sigh... - Will you hurry up, please? What gave you the idea I wanted to take a walk?
dr200121 -- - Wally! You shouldn't jump on the couch! - Where's your doggie ramp? - YES! I knew there were potato chips back here!
dr200122 -- - pink! - SNARF! - Who knew Tiddlywinks was a contact sport?!
dr200123 -- No, Wally! - You can't go in the car with me! - You'd just expect me to roll down the window so you can stick your head out and bark at everybody! - Why else would anyone want to ride in a car?
dr200124 -- Ralph! Why are you limping? It's a cold morning, honeybunch! - What does that have to do with it? There's a dog in my sweatpants!
dr200125 -- WALLY! WHAT...WHO...HOW... - WHY?? Let's just say I did not make good choices.
dr200126 -- I love these cookies! - Oops! - Dad, is it true that if you drop food on the floor, you can still eat it if you pick it up within five seconds? - I guess I don't know. - No food has ever lasted three seconds on the floor around here! skattle
dr200126 -- skattle skattle
dr200127 -- I hate being home alone. - No one to talk to, no one to look at... - All I can do is sit here and wait for someone...ANYONE...to come home! - I'm home! Anyone else?
dr200128 -- How was school today, Penny? Great, mommy! - I learned how to do math! - Want me to show you? - Blue plus red equals purple!
dr200129 -- Yawn! - Sniff sniff! Yawn. - Sniff *sob* Yawn! - I didn't think you'd like that movie, but you have tears in your eyes just like I do!
dr200130 -- shake shake! - scooch scooch scooch! - scrunch scrunch scrunch! - I HAT bath day! Not as much as *I* do!
dr200131 -- It's my day off...my chores are done...time for a nap! - OH, NOT AGAIN! - Will you keep it down, please? I don't mind it when he stretches out on the bed, but why can't he do it lengthwise?
dr200201 -- Wally! Dinner time! - - SNARF! - Wally doesn't really need a supper dish!
dr200202 -- Good luck, Punxsutawney Ralph! - - - Well? - I saw my shadow! Darn! What does that mean? - Six more weeks until he takes down the Christmas lights!
dr200203 -- I'm scared to ask Echo out for Valentine's Day. - Don't be a coward! I'm not a coward! - Remember, I gave her a kiss on New Year's Eve! - Did she like it? I'm not sure. I ran away and haven't talked to her since!
dr200204 -- I'm afraid to ask Echo to go out with me on Valentine's Day! - I'll practice asking in front of the mirror! - Echo, would you go out with me on Valentine's Day? No. - This is going to be harder than I thought.
dr200205 -- I'm scared to ask Echo to go out with me on Valentine's Day! - What if she says no? What if she laughs in my face? - What if... She'd love to! - I just texted her for you. You're welcome! WHAT?
dr200206 -- I'm glad you're going out with me on Valentine's Day, Echo! - I'm looking forward to it, Norman! - Oh, and always remember to hold your phone up high when you make a phone call. - How come?
dr200207 -- I can't believe I've actually got a date for Valentine's Day! - I'm going to meet Echo at the Mall Food Court! - We'll try all free samples, ride on the escalators, and then see a movie! - How romantic can you get? If you want someplace
dr200207 -- romantic, you can't beat the drive-thru car wash!
dr200208 -- MALL Echo suggested we meet at the food court! - We'll grab a bite to eat, walk around and then see a movie! - Something tells me this will be a night to remember! - Hello, Norman. WENDY!!
dr200209 -- I hate these plastic produce bags! - After you tear one off, you can never open it! - Everyone has to lick their fingers to get a grip! - And then they touch all the produce! - It's disgusting! - And that's why I never eat any fruits or
dr200209 -- vegetables! Now let me tell you about these donuts.
dr200210 -- Long time, no see, Norman! Yeah, Wendy! How about that! - Well, it was nice talking to you! I'm waiting for someone. Byrw now! - OK, bye! - Actually, do you mind if I sit down? NO!! I MEAN YES! I MEAN...
dr200211 -- MALL Wendy, not to be rude, but I'm meeting someone in just a minute! - Don't worry. This won't take long. - I've been thinking... - Where do I begin? How about someplace else?
dr200212 -- Norman, I know I haven't always been nice to you. That's OK. Bye! - I realize that I need to be a better person. OK, bye! - My new year's resolution is to be nicer. OK, bye. - so I ask you for forgiveness. You got it! Bye!
dr200213 -- You're so understanding, Norman! - I want you to know how much I appreciate you! - You're the sweetest guy on earth! - SMOOCH! GASP!
dr200214 -- Norman! Why were you kissing that girl?? - I thought you were shy, but I guess I was wrong! Well, you can kiss your date goodbye!! - - So, what are YOU doing tonight? Sorry, I have plans.
dr200215 -- Well, this was the worst Valentine's Day ever! - I thought nothing could be worse than not having a date on Valentine's Day, but there IS something worse. - Having my date walk out on me before it even starts! - At least I had a date before I
dr200215 -- didn't have a date! In a sense, that's progress!
dr200216 -- - - chirp! - - chirp! - - chirp! Let's split up! Finding the chirping smoke alarm is a group effort!
dr200217 -- My Valentine's date was a complete disaster. - I'm the biggest loser on earth! Son, you're not the biggest loser on... - Wait, I missed Valentine's Day?? - Do you have any belated Valentine's cards?
dr200218 -- I'm sorry your Valentine's date didn't work out, son. - Let me tell you a story: Long before I met your mom, I took a date to an expensive Valentine's day dinner... - I found out that afterwards, she went out for ice cream with another guy! -
dr200218 -- In other words, she desserted me!
dr200219 -- Everything went wrong for me on Valentine's Day, dad. - It was like I got thrown under a bus! I've been under more buses than a Greyhound mechanic! - Now I'm in the doghouse! I've been in the doghouse more often than Lassie! - You're not
dr200219 -- helping. Keep going! I've got a million of these!
dr200220 -- Echo, there's a reasonable explanation for what you saw... - Wendy made a New Year's resolution to be nicer to people, so she kissed me! That's all there was to it! - - She'd never believe me! Tell her I was Liam Helmsworth and that you get
dr200220 -- mixed up a lot!
dr200221 -- I don't even know what to say to Echo! Speak from the heart! Pretend she's here listening! - I'd tell her she's the only one I wanted to spend Valentine's Day with! It was all a big misunderstanding! - Then I'd beg for her forgiveness because
dr200221 -- she's my favorite person in the world! - Well, OK! As long as you put it that way!
dr200222 -- Thanks for forgiving me, Echo! It was just a big mix-up! - I didn't kiss Wendy, she kissed me! - Although, I have to admit, it wasn't exactly terrible! Besides... - Hey, where did she go? I hung up before you could put your foot into your
dr200222 -- mouth.
dr200223 -- WALLY! - No, NO! - HEY! - STOP! - SCAT! - DOWN! - Hello, wacky Wally-Woo! - I'm known by many different names around here!
dr200224 -- Everyone is so polite. - There's one donut left and nobody wants to be the person who... - SNARF - ...eats the last one!
dr200225 -- Which club should I use... - My three-wood or my nine-iron? - Decisions, decisions... - I don't know why I have so many clubs in my bag. I can only hit two of them!
dr200226 -- - - YES! - Every once in a while, I find an old snack in my golf bag!
dr200227 -- - - OK, it's been two minutes! I don't understand the concept of intermittent fasting, but I'm willing to give it a try!
dr200228 -- *!!*@!*! ...Sigh... - **!!* As long as I have to listen to your movie, I might as well watch it, too!
dr200229 -- It's been a long, cold winter, but at last I can finally say... - Baseball Opening Day is THIS MONTH! - Sorry, it's still February. - Whoever invented leap year was not a baseball fan!
dr200301 -- I need to go outside! - It's cold out there! I can wait! - No I can't! - Yes I can! - No I can't! - Forget it! It's too cold out there! ...Sigh... - - Try the BACK door!
dr200302 -- Norm, Wally needs to go outside. I don't want him to get wet, so take an umbrella! - I'm not going to stand in the rain holding an umbrella over the dog! Suit yourself! - sniff sniff
dr200303 -- I'm on a diet, so I won't go inside the donut shop... - I'll just stick my head in the door and enjoy the aroma! - - That must have taken a lot of willpower! Mmmmmm!
dr200304 -- - Is it my imagination, or do couch pillows seem to multiply?
dr200305 -- Wally! We're home! - Wally! - It's never a good thing when your dog is hiding! YIKES! WHAT HAPPENED IN THERE?!
dr200306 -- You're still growing, Norman! - See? - It's fun to keep track! - I knew this CVS receipt would be useful somehow!
dr200307 -- We live in a remarkable age, Norm! - Technological advances have made our lives happier and less stressful. - YOU are! No, YOU are! ...for the most part!
dr200308 -- POUND POUND! - It's important to punch your pillows now and then! WAP WAP! - It makes them look nice and fluffy! PUNCH PUNCH! - Much better! WAP WAP! We sure have a lot of pillows! - POUND! OOF! I am not a pillow! Sorry, my mistake!
dr200309 -- What's this? An invitation to a "Peace of Mind" seminar. - "Gain peace of mind in these turbulent times." - HURRY! SPACE IS LIMITED! TICKETS ARE GOING FAST! - The INVITATION makes me a nervous wreck!
dr200310 -- - Yikes! - Every time I look at myself in the mirror, I look a year older! - Maybe that's because I only look in the mirror once a year!
dr200311 -- I can't find my phone! - Call it! - HEY, PHONE!! - ...Sigh...I meant call it from another phone! No one understands my wonderful sense of humor!
dr200312 -- Isn't it nice to have dinner alone in a restaurant, Ralph? - No kids...no TV... - No sad doggie eyes watching your every bite... - They're always with me in spirit!
dr200313 -- A box! - Cats like boxes! - ROWF! - So do dogs!
dr200314 -- - ROWF! - - It's more fun to startle a cat outside because there's no ceiling!
dr200315 -- Since I ate that big piece of pie, I think I'd better go take a walk! - How far will you walk? Around the block a couple of times! - Well, maybe just once around. - Or maybe just around the Cul-de-Sac. - Or maybe I'll just walk up and down
dr200315 -- the sidewalk a little. - Maybe I'll just walk into the kitchen and get another piece of pie! Now THOSE walk can add up!
dr200316 -- Oh, cool! There's a baseball movie on TV tonight! - At least I think it's a baseball movie. What's it called? - "Bang the Drum Slowly". - Son, if that's not a baseball movie, I don't know what is!
dr200317 -- In honor of St. Patrick's Day, we're having a traditional Irish meal! - Corned beef and cabbage! - Bring on Cinco de Mayo! How about just a bowl of lucky charms?
dr200318 -- DONUTS I shouldn't. - I really shouldn't. - Oh, what the heck! - There are no calories in the middle of a donut!
dr200319 -- - - snarf! Wally gives new meaning to "Eat and Run"! munch munch
dr200320 -- Move it, cat! zzyzx! - Could you be any more annoying? Let me give it some thought!
dr200321 -- This is the most exciting week of the year! - Baseball season begins next week! - So why isn't NEXT week the most exciting week of the year? - We're still in the pennant race!
dr200322 -- Pitch the wiffle ball, Patrick! - - WAP! - - - Congratulations. - You just hit a home run off an eight-year-old! And I think I have a fever! Want to pitch to daddy, Penny?
dr200323 -- - - - How does the dog always know which chair I want to sit in?
dr200324 -- - - - Forget it!
dr200325 -- I must have a half-dozen pairs of reading glasses in this house, and I can't find ANY of them! - Well, don't just stare at me, help me look!
dr200326 -- If your life is interesting... How did he get up there? - Exciting... ROWF! ROWF! ROWF! ROWF! - And filled with laughter... - Thank your dog!
dr200327 -- The dishwasher is loaded with dirty dishes. - THE BUFFET IS OPEN!
dr200328 -- Ahh... - AHH.... - AH-CHOW!! - Bless you, and sorry about the toenails!
dr200329 -- Honeybunch, I'm home! - Honeybunch? - I'm home from work a little early! - Honeybunch? - She's either not home... - Or she's... - YEEAAAAHH!!! - Listening to music with earphones again! How many times have I told you not to sneak up on me
dr200329 -- like that??
dr200330 -- Norman, you need to be more careful not to spill your food on the floor! - What makes you think I spill a lot? - Call it a hunch!
dr200331 -- Alright, someone needs to fess up! - Who chewed up my sandal??
dr200401 -- I've decided to stop following social media. - I realized how much time I waste. I need to take control of my life. APRIL FOOL! - Boy, it was hard to keep a straight face on that one!
dr200402 -- Be careful, Ralph! - I hung damp clothes in the doorway to dry, so I won't have to iron them! - Oops! - The three-second rule applies to food and damp clothing!
dr200403 -- ...and then clerk asked me if I'd rather,,, . Pay cash or credit, so I said... - ...I said I'd rather... - When I finally realize nobody is listening to me, I'm never sure whether or not to finish my story!
dr200404 -- WALLY! HOW ON EARTH DID YOU...I MEAN, HOW DID...I MEAN... - How did I what? Never mind.
dr200405 -- I'm home early, honeybunch! Honeybunch? - Oh, don't tell me. Not again! - Every time I come home early, I startle her because she doesn't hear me come in! - She's always listening to loud music on those dumb earphones! - Then, when she
dr200405 -- finally sees me, she screams! It's ridiculous! - Why would anyone ever be startled to see the person they're married to? - Hello! GAAAAAHH!!
dr200406 -- Where are you going, dad? It's two in the morning! - There's a new milkshake shop that's open 24 hours! - Why would you want a milkshake at two in the morning? Why not? - Good point!
dr200407 -- Tell me about this new shake shop we're going to, dad! - I've never seen it, but it's open 24 hours and they have every kind of shake imaginable! - I think this might be it! POLAR CITY Open 24 Hours
dr200408 -- I can't believe we're getting a shake at 2 A.M.! Wow! What a cool shake shop! Welcome to Polar City! May I take your order please? - It's clever how the employees wear earmuffs! Say what?
dr200409 -- I'm stuffed! Better finish it, Norm! - You can't take it home or mom will know we went for a shake in the middle of the night! - beep beep I didn't know this place had a drive-thru!
dr200410 -- Getting ready to greet the Easter Bunny, Wally? - He's no bunny! bunnies are cute and nice! - Bunnies don't sneak into your house at night and hide things and wreak havoc! - Trust me, it's the EASTER BADGER!
dr200411 -- - The Easter Badger comes in through the doggie door. - - No wonder he got past me last year!
dr200412 -- - skattle skattle skattle - WALLY - - skattle skattle skattle - WALLY - - This hardly seems fair! Maybe next year the Easter Bunny shouldn't hide the eggs at ground level!
dr200413 -- - - - The Easter Bunny always hides a few Easter eggs for dad!
dr200414 -- During a time of quarantine... DING DONG - It's nice to know we can have the essentials delivered... - And you don't even have to get close to anyone! - Care for a donut?
dr200415 -- I'll be back in a few hours. - I need to go brave the crowds at the bulk club! - Hopefully there will be something left on the shelves! - Did I mention that I'm sorry that I ate all of our food storage?
dr200416 -- Dad, do you think it's safe to go through a drive-thru to pick up the food? - If you go the right direction. Don't worry. I won't make that mistake again!
dr200417 -- I think it's cute how Wally watches the TV whenever dogs are on it! - What's unusual about that? - They watch the TV whenever PEOPLE are on it!
dr200418 -- Cats are better than dogs. - Cats always land on their feet! - ROWF! - Here's your chance to prove it!
dr200419 -- Hey! - So you won't let me have the ball, eh? - You crazy dachshund! We'll just see about that! - You'll have to put it down if you want to eat your dinner! - NOW what will you do? - I knew it! - SNARF! GRAB! - HEY! You've heard of Mach
dr200419 -- speed? That was DACH speed!
dr200420 -- Welcome to UPPAKANU We finally made it, kids! Uppakanu National Park! - Here you'll experience the wonders of nature! - The majesty of the mountains! The power of the river! The tranquility of the... - Right now, we just want to experience
dr200420 -- the convenience of the restrooms!
dr200421 -- How do you like the National Park, kids? Whoa! That's AWESOME!! - How long did it take to build this place? Millions of years! - Why so long? It must have been a one-person job!
dr200422 -- Kids, remember to read all the signs on our hike! - Falling Rocks - Flash Floods can Occur - Beware OK, stop reading the signs!
dr200423 -- - People who come to national parks are so friendly! - Everyone smiles at me! I really think we should tell him his pants are unzipped! Give it another hour.
dr200424 -- The mountains, the streams, the trees, the lakes... - I love everything about our national parks! - My phone has no reception! Especially that!
dr200425 -- What a great day we had in the National Park! - The wonders of nature top modern civilizationi anytime! - We learned that we don't need to be immersed in technology to enjoy life! How true! - OK, let's find a motel! Make sure they have cable!
dr200425 -- And Wi-Fi!
dr200426 -- - - SNARF! SNARF! SNARF! - - GRAB! - SHAKE SHAKE - Sometimes you just have to get at the source of the problem!
dr200427 -- Darn! - Hold still! - Come back here! - The last froot loop in a bowl of milk is always the hardest to catch!
dr200428 -- Honeybunch, I know it may look like I'm being lazy... - I know it may look like I'm letting you do everything... - -And? Sorry, I forgot where I was going with that.
dr200429 -- WALLY ? - - - 
dr200430 -- Why does the dog always have to sit up there? - Because he likes it up there! Right, Wally? WAP WAP WAP
dr200501 -- Just a trim, Mel! - snip snip snip - snip snip snip - How come you only seem to be trimming my GRAY hairs?
dr200502 -- Can I borrow your stapler? - Not with your bare hands. But I can wrap it in plastic and leave a hole for the staples to come out. - Maybe you can just lend me a paper clip. I'll throw it to you.
dr200503 -- ...then finally the clerk walked over and... - Hey, why are you staring at me like that? - Honeybunch, have I ever told you that you could've been a movie star? - Why, no! Preferably in the silent era.
dr200503 -- Norm, in these uncertain times, I make frequent withdrawals from the ATM! - It gives me a feeling of security. - The ATM now dispenses TOILET PAPER?? Yeah, I've got enough cash!
dr200504 -- munch munch - munch munch munch - What's with you? - Just doing a little binge-watching.
dr200505 -- Aren't we supposed to be six feet apart? - ...4...5...6! We're good!
dr200506 -- - You ordered a pizza? Yes. - Thanks. - We get so many fast food deliveries, I installed my own drive-thru window!
dr200507 -- I must be losing my mind! - I asked the dog what day it is! That doesn't mean you're losing your mind. - If you hear the dog answer, you're losing your mind! By the way, it's "Feed the Dog Again" day!
dr200508 -- - - - The hardest thing about washing your hands so often is finding a dry spot on the hand towel!
dr200509 -- Whoa! It's time to go! zzyzx - zzyzxx - zzzx - Which tie goes better with Wally? Z
dr200510 -- Since it's Mother's Day, Mom, is there anything I can do for you today? Let me think, Norman... - I'd like to bake some of my favorite cookies for everyone. - Could you go the the grocery store and buy some ingredients? - Sure! What kind of
dr200510 -- stuff do you need? - The staples: Milk, flour, sugar, eggs.. - Just the staples! Got it! - Here you go! What?? Why did you buy STAPLES? ...Sigh...
dr200511 -- Let's all go for a walk! - Make sure you wear a mask! - ...Sigh...
dr200512 -- Having my family home all day is actually kind of nice! - WALLY! Although it's harder to get into the kitchen trash. - Let's go for a walk! And I'm getting tired of going for a walk every ten minutes. - Roll over, Wally! Again? Can't you go
dr200512 -- play with the cat for a while?
dr200513 -- I'm bored. - Much better! You have hundreds of dollars' worth of cat toys...
dr200514 -- Patrick, I'm glad you've been practicing the National Anthem on your trumpet all afternoon. - You're really good, but I wish you'd take a break. - I need to sit down!
dr200515 -- - - Here's your soda! I said "easy on the ice"! - I put them in as easy as I could!
dr200516 -- WHIRRRR - SPUTTER SPUTTER PLAMP PLOOP! Oh, no! - My beloved 20-year old pencil sharpener is making funny noises! - Hopefully, it's just because I haven't emptied it since 2007!
dr200517 -- Ugh...I hate going to the gym! - It's so hard! - I wish there was another way to get in shape! - Hey maybe instead of going to the gym, I should just start eating healthier! - Here you go, steamed vegetables! - Where are you going? The taco
dr200517 -- shop and the gym!
dr200518 -- Happy birthday, gramma! In the interest of public safety, we won't be coming over to celebrate this year! - ...or lighting the candles on your cake!
dr200519 -- Good morning, Wally! - Let's go outside! - Who'd ever have thought I'd one day miss getting my house tee-peed?
dr200520 -- WHIRRRR - DING! - - I'm so old, I can remember when we used the microwave to zap FOOD!
dr200521 -- - - - Date night.
dr200522 -- Um fumph fum umph? - Mmph ump fumff uh fum, feez! - Umpff? Mumph. - Drive-thru regulars speak fluent face mask!
dr200523 -- - - I'm not sure Wally understands the purpose of his doggie ramp!
dr200524 -- skattle skattle skattle - - skattle skattle skattle - skattle skattle - - NAP TIME! WALLY - My body clock is always set at "snooze".
dr200525 -- I'd like my burger medium-rare, please. - Voila! - This looks like a hockey puck. Sorry.
dr200526 -- Ralph, I saw a new way to close a bag of chips to keep them fresh! - You fold it here, fold it there, tuck it underneath, and... - Voila! A perfect seal! Very nice. - If I ever leave any chips in the bag, I'll give it a try!
dr200527 -- - Oops! Dang! - I pressed the fast-forward button, and now I can't make it stop! - It's kind of like my life!
dr200528 -- Ralph, the results of your genealogy test are here! - It tells you your ethnic heritage based on a saliva sample! - It says you're 100 percent... - Dachshund?? Bad dog!
dr200529 -- We hardly ever put Wally in his crate anymore. - Maybe we should get rid of it! - No! Don't get rid of it! I NEED my crate!! - I need it to climb up on the kitchen counter!
dr200530 -- Is everybody ready? - Let's go! It's time for church! - I kind of like having it on Zoom. It certainly saves time getting dressed!
dr200531 -- What do you want on your burger, Norm? - Lettuce, tomato, ketchup and mustard! - Penny, what could you like on your burger? - Tomato, mustard, lettuce and ketchup! - How about you, Patrick? What would you like on yours? - Ketchup, lettuce,
dr200531 -- mustard and tomato! ...Sigh... - It would save me a lot of work if you'd all just have the same thing!
dr200601 -- The past three months have certainly taken their toll, Ralph! That's for sure, honeybunch! - I've developed a bad case of face mask ears!
dr200602 -- Now what should we do? Let's try to stump Alexis again! - Hey, Alexis! What's the capital of... - Oh, who cares! Stop asking me all these dumb questions! - Alexis seems stressed. The last few months have been hard on us all. Sheesh!
dr200603 -- The forks don't go there, Ralph. They go here! - The hall closet is only for guests, Ralph. - Our living room sofa is not for lounging around, Ralph! - I hate being home-schooled! Tell me about it!
dr200604 -- zzzipp! - - skattle skattle skattle - Never take your dog golfing because they know where you hide your snacks!
dr200605 -- - - YAWN! - People have bad breath!
dr200606 -- ROWF ROWF ROWF - WALLY, STOP! - YOU BARK TOO MUCH! IT DRIVES ME CRAZY!! - I sure get tired of listening to him all day. I sure get tired of listening to him all day!
dr200607 -- Daddy, we need another refrigerator. - How come, Penny? - It's not big enough! - It can't hold any more? Really? - It's full! It is? - I guess I could start taping my pictures to the dishwasher!
dr200608 -- In the olden days, clocks were round with hands that moved, and... - Wait, clocks had HANDS?? - Never mind, just follow me. ? PLEASE WALK AROUND POND IN CLOCKWISE DIRECTION.
dr200609 -- - Keep Your Social Distance - My "No Tailgating" Bumper sticker never worked!
dr200610 -- OK, Wally! It's time for a bath! BATH?! WHY? - It took me WEEKS to smell like that!
dr200611 -- Wally is sound asleep, but his feet are moving and he's trying to bark! wurf wurf! - He must be having a night mare! Probably a BADGER-mare! wurf wurf!
dr200612 -- - You're making the world's longest game of hopscotch?? - It goes all the way around the block!
dr200613 -- WHOOSH WHOOSH - WHOOSH WHOOSH WHOOSH - WHOOSH WHOOSH - What do you mean you don't want to go swimming anymore?
dr200614 -- WALLY - - - BAP! - - - - It's very hard to practice putting inside my house!
dr200615 -- ROWF! ROWF! ROWF! ROWF! - - Some people just can't take criticism.
dr200616 -- - Hi, Norm! Hey, Stu! - Hello, Elgin! - Since the quarantine, we all wear our bad haircuts proudly!
dr200617 -- I learned how to make a face mask out of a sock! - You cut the sock like so, then cut it again here and here, and... - Very good! - WHOAH! You probably should've washed it first!
dr201618 -- SNARF! ONE OUT! - clomp! TWO OUTS! - He missed! ONE MAN OUT! bomp! - Until the baseball season starts, this is the next best thing!
dr200619 -- I love the hammock! - We love the shade! I just pray those trees have strong roots!
dr200620 -- - - I DID IT!! Sorry, the camera was set to PHOTO not VIDEO!
dr200621 -- Happy Father's Day, dad! - We bought you a bag of your favorite candy! Thanks! - - - That candy has 150 calories per serving... - And there are ten servings per bag. - I know. - That's why I'm eating it all at once!
dr200622 -- I like your mask! - It's very pretty! - It is? I can't even remember what it looks like. - Oh yeah, huh! AAAH!!
dr200623 -- Oh, no! Grandma got hacked! - Somebody posted some crazy weird video on her page! - I need to call her and let her know! - It's OK. She posted it herself. I had a hunch.
dr200624 -- Everybody ready? It's time to go! Ready, dad! Ready! I'm ready too! - OK then let's go! - How come when they're all ready to go, nobody ever goes?
dr200625 -- Wow! Ha! That's easy! I know how the magician did that trick! - He escaped through the curtains! - Have you seen this show before? Maybe... Not only has he seen it, he's watched it in slo-mo over and over!
dr200626 -- Alexis, what's the temperature? The temperature is currently 79°. - Alexis, where are the badgers hiding? - - I knew it! She's on their side!
dr200627 -- Dad, you're playing great! - You've shot 89 so far with only one more hole to play! - You're practically guaranteed to break 100 today! - You just had to mention it! ...99...100...101...102...
dr200628 -- WALLY We dachshunds have to be very careful... - We're built for speed, but our backs are rather delicate! - For example, I probably shouldn't climb stairs... - And I really shouldn't jump on the furniture. - So, if you want to help your
dr200628 -- dachshund, buy a doggie ramp. - ...and then push it right next to the kitchen trash!
dr200629 -- - - Should I or shouldn't I? - Ha! Too late! I shouldn't.
dr200630 -- - - - I knew Bob would enjoy the mall! So, where's the food court?
dr200701 -- When's dinner? - When's dinner? - When's dinner? - Wouldn't you love to know what dogs are thinking? When's dinner?
dr200702 -- Why did you buy so much dog food? - You never know when the stores might run out. - Wally's a dog! He can always find something to eat! - Yes! I found a cheeto under the cushion! I learned from the master!
dr200703 -- Time for a swim! - - - Why is there a fish in the pool? He's just getting a little exercise!
dr200704 -- Will you back up a little? - You're making me nervous! - Excuses, excuses!
dr200705 -- ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF! What are you barking at? - There's a badger out there! - There are no badgers out here! That's what he'd like you to believe! - He pretends he's not there, but I know better! - And believe me, NOTHING will stop me
dr200705 -- from my sworn duty to protect my... - I'm going inside for some potato chips. CHIPS?! - Wiener dogs are smart, but they're easily distracted!
dr200706 -- Wait, where are the olives? - Why did I wear these shoes? - If I had designed this store, I would've put the laundry detergent on aisle 7. - An added benefit of wearing a facemask is no one can see me talking to myself!
dr200707 -- Deodorant... - Cologne... - We buy a lot of things to help us smell good! - Or you could just roll around in the grass!
dr200708 -- I took the car to the mechanic, dad. - Did he give you a quote? - Yes... - "Tell your cheapskate dad that it's time to buy a new car!"
dr200709 -- When's dinner? - When's dinner? - When's dinner? - Fine. I'll go ask Alexis!
dr200710 -- I know there is an Antarctica, but is there an UNCLEarctica? - No, Penny. How come? I think they split up during the continental drift!
dr200711 -- - - SLAM - How many times have I told you not to slam the refrigerator door?
dr200712 -- Hi, Penny! Hi, Kendall1 - I haven't seen you in a long time!  We were on vacation! - My parents wanted me to see the country, so we took a 12-hour drive through four states to visit my grandma! - Wow! That must have been an interesting car
dr200712 -- ride! What did you see? - "The Lion King," "Aladdin," "Toy Story 4," and "Frozen 2"!
dr200713 -- I hereby announce that I am taking a break from social media. tap tap tap - - - OK, I'm back! tap tap
dr200714 -- Let's go, Patrick! I made an appointment for you at the barber! OK, mom! - After four months, it will be nice to finally get it cut! Actually, today's appointment is just for an estimate!
dr200715 -- Why are you hiding under the couch? - Actually, I'm not sure. - I've been hiding for so long, I forgot why. - WHO GOT INTO THE DONUTS?! Oh, yeah.
dr200716 -- KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK WALLY - ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF!! - Hi, Stu! Come on in! - I hate it being overruled!
dr200717 -- Boy, it's been one of those days. - Lately it seems like every day is one of those days! - Try to stay positive, dad! - One of these days, it won't be one of those days!
dr200718 -- WAKE UP! WAKE UP!! - WAKE UP! IT'S MONDAY! UP AND AT 'EM! - Actually, it's Saturday. It is?? - In that case, I'm going back to bed! WALLY
dr200719 -- One brownie left! - I hate to be the one to eat the last brownie. It seems so selfish! - I know! I'll cut in half! - The last brownie! - Maybe I should cut it in half! - Hey! The last brownie! - I'd hate to eat the last brownie! I'll cut it
dr200719 -- in half! - Part of me thinks my family is very considerate, and part of me thinks they're just a bunch of weirdos!
dr200720 -- So far, so good! What? - We're more than halfway through 2020, and I haven't lost my mind yet! - Knock on wood. KNOCK KNOCK! - Come in!
dr200721 -- ACHOO! - Bless you. - ACHOO! - Bless me.
dr200722 -- Well, how was the expensive golf course, Ralph? - Did you play well enough to make it worthwhile? - I certainly did! In fact, I broke 80! - He broke it on the tenth hole! No need to elaborate!
dr200723 -- KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK! WALLY - ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF -  ROWF ROWF HIC! - It's hard to sound intimidating when you have the hiccups!
dr200724 -- - - You're supposed to walk up your doggie ramp to get on the bed. - That's embarrassing. I thought it was like an escalator!
dr200725 -- What's that smell? I sprayed myself with insect repellent. - That's EVERYTHING repellent! Whoa!
dr200726 -- - Sigh... - You can come in, Wally! The glass door isn't closed. - Trust me, it's open! - - Fine! I'll pretend to open it for you! - Next time, don't make me beg! Dogs!
dr200727 -- Say Ahh. Ahh! - Your temperature is OK, your vitals are normal. You can put your clothes back on. - Enjoy your dinner. This way, sir! Menu
dr200728 -- It's my birthday. - It's no fun getting older. - But at least it's nice to be remembered. - I got three birthday cards and an ad for a company that spreads your ashes at sea!
dr200729 -- Look, Wally! She dressed up her dog like Elvis! - Don't say a word or I'll chase you into next week! - I wonder if he likes it. My guess is no.
dr200730 -- - - - I hate it when I leave a hilarious comment on somebody's post, and no one 'likes' it!
dr200731 -- I don't know how pro golfers do it... - They swing the club perfectly every time. - It's all muscle memory, dad! That's my problem. - I don't remember having muscles!
dr200801 -- I want a donut! - Is it OK to come in? Sure, Mr. Drabble! - Don't you need to take my temperature? I'd only take your temperature if you DIDN'T want a donut!
dr200802 -- Hey! - You're hogging all the sunshine! - So? - What are you going to DO about it? - I'm thinking! - I hate it when he thinks!
dr200803 -- BAD DOG, WALLY! - No no. - Well, if you didn't want me to get into the garbage can, you shouldn't have put garbage in it!
dr200804 -- LOOK AT ME, 2020! I#M PLAYING IN THE SPRINKLER! I'M HAVING FUN! - YOU CAN TAKE AWAY ALL MY OTHER FUN, BUT YOU CAN'T TAKE AWAY THE SIMPLE JOYS OF... - Hey! They're rationing our water, remember?
dr200805 -- I'm home from the gym! - You weren't gone for very long! - That's because I only know how to use two of the machines there. - One of them is the vending machine!
dr200806 -- MOM! WHAT? - MOMMY! WHAT-EE? - MOM! Can't I be left alone for two seconds?? - Sometimes being a mom is like being stuck in a group text.
dr200807 -- What a beautiful day! - I can't wait to go outside and sniff the trees, chase the butterflies and roll in the grass! - Sigh... - Dogs and humans view mornings differently.
dr200808 -- WALLY - Sometimes it's hard to fall asleep at night. - There's a lot on my mind. - Like the fact that I have to wait eight hours and 23 minutes for breakfast!
dr200809 -- Before hitting a golf ball, it's important to clear your mind. - Thinking about stuff can mess up your swing. - - - - I'm not lined up properly! My feet are too far apart! Don't hit the lake again! I wonder what's for dinner! My shoes hurt. -
dr200809 -- I hope I didn't forget my anniversary. - Have I had lunch? Maybe doordash would deliver to the fifth hole. - What time is it? I'm hungry. - I wonder what my kids are doing? I hope they're playing nicely together. - It's time to have the cat
dr200809 -- groomed again. - I hope I'm using the right club. - Wait! That's not a good ball!  Oh well, at least if it goes in the lake I won't feel bad about losing it. Did I mention I'm ... - THWOP! Crud.
dr200810 -- When my family is gone and I'm alone in the house, I just sit on the couch and stare out the window. - But don't feel bad for me... - I'm not allowed on the couch!
dr200811 -- * ** - ** - * SPRONG! WHAP! - The Jack-in-the-Box wasn't designed for left-handers!
dr200812 -- Have a nice day! - - BFFFF - Never leave the drive-thru until you make sure your root beer isn't diet! Sorry!
dr200813 -- I'm excited to try the new drive-thru shake place, Norman! - Why do we need a new shake place, Echo? Polar City has always been great! - Do you really think a new place could be better? - Let's just say I'm optimistic! THE SHAKES
dr200814 -- Wow! This new shake stand has every kind of ice cream and topping! - Let's go crazy! Yeah! - May I take your order, please? I'll have a medium vanilla! Make it two!
dr200815 -- I'm so upset! I just stepped on the scale! - I'm three pounds heavier! - I think I know what this means... - I'm going on a diet! I hope you like kale!
dr200816 -- Mommy! I learned how to tie my shoes! Good for you, Penny! - Now if I could only figure out how to get them on my feet!
dr200817 -- Every part of my body hurts, honeybunch. How come? - A lifetime of injuries and battle scars! - Like what? - I have a sore thumb from trying to tear open a bag of chips, and my knee hurts from trying to get on a pool raft! You're quite a
dr200817 -- warrior! 
dr200818 -- - Not nearly as comfortable as it looks!
dr200819 -- I just bought an exercise machine, honeybunch! It's a stair-climber! - I just don't know where to put it! - Put it upstairs. - I don't want to go all the way upstairs to use it!
dr200820 -- Remember, kids, it's important to limit the spread of the germs. - Therefore, always cough and sneeze into your elbow! - And instead of shaking hands, greet people with an elbow bump! - Wait, WHAT?? Huh?? Hey, I'm reading the advice of
dr200820 -- experts!
dr200821 -- WALLY!! - Why do you always tip over the garbage pail? Sometimes I like to dine-in!
dr208222 -- Wa - lly! - It's time for dinner! - Oh, there you are! You had me at "Wa."
dr200823 -- * ** ** * - * ** - ** * * - * * ** - - * - It's amazing how cats always land on their feet? ** **
dr200824 -- KOBE! - - I thought if you yelled "kobe", you always made it! Kobe didn't teach us to always make it, he taught us to keep shooting, even if we didn't!
dr200825 -- Let's go, kids! It's almost September! Aww! Do we have to? Why? - We need to do your "Back to Zoom" shopping!
dr200826 -- We're home! - Where's Wally? - How on earth did you get into the pantry?? - Wiener dogs never reveal their secrets!
dr200827 -- Does your dog bite? - No. - Oh, you're a nice doggie, aren't you? - There are no strangers, just future wiener dog lovers!
dr200828 -- YAWN! - - What the... - Hey, I don't know where you've been!
dr200829 -- I can't believe summer is almost over. Don't worry. It's 2020. Anything can happen. - What do you men? - They delayed baseball season. Maybe they delay fall! Let's hope!
dr200830 -- - HONK! - - BEEP BEEP!! - - HONK! - It's nice to have friends, but I wish they wouldn't honk at me when I take a walk!
dr200831 -- knock knock knock - Hmmm...the dog inside usually barks his head off when I knock at the door! - It's hard to bark when you're stuck inside a pair of sweatpants!
dr200901 -- Shake hands, Wally! - - Oh, yeah...I forgot. - Elbow bump!
dr200902 -- Badger Free Zone Why do we have so many pillows on the couch, honeybunch? - I think they're pretty... - When they're spaced properly! I think we need a few more!
dr200903 -- I love getting out for a drive! - There's nothing like the freedom of the open road! - chirp! - No one is ever free when they're included in a group text! chirp! chirp! chirp! chirp! chirp!
dr200904 -- I've been having insomnia lately. - Since I can't sleep, I drive down to the all-night donut shop, and then stop at the 24-hour shake shop. - Gee, that's too bad! - What are you taking for the insomnia? Caffeine.
dr200905 -- Maybe some used tissues... - Or whatever's in the garbage pail... - Or the cumbs between the couch cushions... - Never ask Wally what he wants for dinner! Dog's food OK, too!
dr200906 -- I just love Sunday walks in September! - This IS a Sunday in September, is it? Who knows? The past six months have been a blur! - It seems like may. Didn't baseball just start? Good question. I'll check my smartphone!
dr200907 -- - There. - You left the cooler in the car! - I'm finally beginning to understand why today is called Labor Day!
dr200908 -- HELLO! Hello, my name is Penny and I live down the street and I have a brother named Norman and a brother named Patrick and a dog named Wally and I'm in kindergarten and my favorite color is yellow and I'm sorry that I picked flowers from
dr200908 -- your garden and I like to play soccer and I have a friend named Kendall and my very favorite thing to have for lunch is mac and cheese! - Well? Did you apologize for picking their flowers? Yup!
dr200909 -- Here's your ticket. - Nice try, though! - How come it's OK to have a cardboard person in a baseball stadium, but not in a carpool lane?
dr200910 -- Wow! - I remember when you hair was so thick, it was hard to pull a comb through! - Now the comb just glides across your scalp. - I'll sure be glad when I can go back to a real barber!
dr200911 -- bzzzzz! - - - If flies are so dumb, how come they all recognize a swatter?
dr200912 -- - I have to go to the bathroom. - Don't move or they'll throw us out of the stadium!
dr200913 -- Goodbye, Summer. I always hate to deflate the pool! It was hard work blowing it up! - I wish I could find another way to make use of it in the fall. - -
dr200914 -- Norman, are you gaining weight? Probably. - There's a girl who works at the Drive-Thru, and I think she's cute, so I keep going back! - She works at the shake and ice cream place that looks like an igloo. What's her name? - Frosti! Figures.
dr200915 -- There's a girl who works at the drive-thru shake place. Her name is Frosti! - She's really pretty! I'm trying to get the nerve to ask her out. I thought liked ECHO! - I do, but we have nothing in common! - What don't you have in common?! I
dr200915 -- like plain Cap'n Crunch, and she likes Crunch Berries!
dr200916 -- THE SHAKES I'd like a chocolate shake, please! - Here's your...hey, wait! - Haven't you driven through here about ten times tonight? - She noticed me!!
dr200917 -- I did it! I asked the girl at the Shake Place for a date! She'll meet me after work! I'm so excited! - I'm surprised she said yes right away! She's the most beautiful girl I've ever seen! - Although, I've never actually seen her without a
dr200917 -- mask! But I'm sure she's...I assume she's... - HOW DO I GET OUT OF THIS?? Can we all come and watch?
dr200918 -- I'm psyched out! I just realized Frosti and I have never seen each other without masks! - I just hope I don't flee in terror when she takes it off! - Here are your shakes! Thanks! - AAKK!
dr200919 -- Time for a walk, Wally! A walk?? - I don't want to go for a walk! I'm comfortable! Leave me alone! - I'll play dead! - Fine. We'll give your dinner to the cat. I'm alive!!
dr200920 -- OOOOOHH! Why oh why did I eat four humongous buttermilk bars? - WHY OH WHY OH WHY OH WHY OH WHY OH WHY OH WHY OH WHY OH WHY OH WHY OH WHY?? - I can't finish this. So you want it? Sure!
dr200921 -- - Why are you staring at me? - It's a commercial!
dr200922 -- CRUMPLE CRUMPLE - - RIP! RIP! SHRED! - As long as we have Wally, we never need an alarm system or a shredder! Grrr!
dr200923 -- YES! - For once, the scale gives me good news! - Actually, doesn't "Lo" mean it needs new batteries? Whatever! I'm going to have some ice cream!
dr200924 -- Good morning! - Happy Saturday! - Today is Thursday. - Every day is Saturday to a dog!
dr200925 -- Please give me one! - KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK! - Someone's at the door. Aren't you going to bark your head off? - I'm not good at multitasking.
dr200926 -- - - It's so nice to have a dessert bar!
dr200927 -- putt! - NO!! - WHY? WHY? WHY??!! - DANG! - FLING! - - Ready to tee off, dad? Yeah, I think I'm all warmed up now! PRACTICE GREEN
dr200928 -- This burger restaurant always puts a little message on the bottom of their cups! They do? - Oh, I see it!
dr200929 -- What an awful day on the golf course! I'm in the rough again! - What club should I use? - Either your 3-wood or your 4-iron. Why? - Those are the only clubs left in your bag. Maybe I should dive in the lake and retrieve my wedge!
dr200930 -- - Do I even want to know what you did? WALLY!
dr201001 -- skattle skattle skattle - - I know you can't wait to jump into a pile of leaves, but be patient! ?
dr201002 -- Oh boy! I get to be the first one to jump into that pile of leaves! - POOMF!
dr201003 -- What a great feeling to know that I can sleep in this morning! 7:00 - - WHAT?! - I was just checking to see if I needed to call 911! I would if I were you!
dr201004 -- I FOUND THE VACUUM, HONEYBUNCH!
dr201005 -- Cartoonists hate to draw leaves. - How come? - It takes forever. - Fortunately, they have nothing else to do!
dr201006 -- If leaves are so hard to draw, why do cartoonists even draw them? - Guilt. They feel bad that their job is usually so much fun. - And actually, leaves aren't even the hardest things for cartoonists to draw. What's harder? - Soccer balls!
dr201007 -- - SNAP! - Cleaning up leaves is easy with my new artificial lawn!
dr201008 -- OK, I think I've got this figured out... - To get in shape, I need to take 10,000 steps per day. - Now, it's eleven steps from the couch to the refrigerator... - Oh, for heaven sakes! Just hear me out!
dr201009 -- Candy corn? - Why would you fill our candy dish with THAT?? - I hate candy corn! - And therefore, I don't have to refill it every 30 seconds!
dr201010 -- I've hated candy corn for as long as I can remember. - Why does she fill the candy dish with it every year? - - Uh-oh. I see you've developed a taste!
dr201011 -- What's up with THAT guy??  Hey! Dave is growing a beard! It doesn't help! Whoa, look at Fred's tie! He must shop at the Dollar Store! - Bill needs a haircut! You don't look hot either, Ralph! Ralph, remember to "mute" yourself when you join
dr201011 -- Zoom Church!
dr201012 -- Why do you always follow me around? - Because I love you! - And maybe a little bit because I'm hungry! - Mostly because I'm hungry!
dr201013 -- ...and that's the story of how I won the "Best Attitude" award in tee-ball! - Wow. - There's never a dull moment with you, Norman. - The dullness just goes on and on! Thanks!
dr201014 -- - bink! - bink! bink! - Done! Good job with the eye drops, Norm.
dr201015 -- HALLOWEEN CANDY Hmm... - The Halloween candy is pretty picked over! - I know, Ralph! - You've been buying it up since August! Leave some for the rest of us!
dr202016 -- - "Pumpkinhole."
dr201017 -- WHIFF! - WHIFF WHIFF WHIFF! - ? - A box of tissues doesn't go as far as it used to!
dr201018 -- Ralph, will you take your clean shirts up to our room next time you go upstairs? - Sure! - - - Ahem! - Or I can just take them up right now! Try to be a little more swift on the uptake!
dr201019 -- Whoops! - I just missed my turn-off! - YES! - Whenever I make a driving mistake, I'm always relieved when I'm alone in the car!
dr201020 -- For Halloween, we should decorate our house to look haunted. - Spiders, cobwebs, scary noises, creaky doors. - Neglected front yard, foreboding ambience... - So, what should we do differently? That's the beauty! We're practically there!
dr201021 -- I love going to the Pumpkin Patch! Me too! Pumpkin City --> Welcome! - Somehow it feels different this year! I wonder why. - Maybe it's the cardboard pumpkins!
dr201022 -- I need to find a way to get candy to the socially distant trick-or-treaters this year! Hold your bag out, Morm! - PSSHEEW! BOP! - Maybe we shouldn't give out hard candy. OUCH! **
dr201023 -- - - - Thanks! I needed that!
dr201024 -- ROWF ROWF ROWF! - ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF! - -
dr201025 -- KNOCK KNOCK - Oh no! Zombies, goblins and ghouls at my door! - What do you want with me NOW?? - TRICK Or TREAT!! - Oh, it's just Halloween?? What a relief!! - I thougt it was just another ordinary day in the year 2020!
dr201026 -- Don't you just love the colors of autumn, Ralph? - Huh? Oh yeah, sure! - You're such a party-pooper! - The only colors of autumn I'm interested in are on candy wrappers.
dr201027 -- Which foot do you kick with, Penny? - I kick with both of my feet! - Really? That's cool! - I run with both feet too!
dr201028 -- DING DONG! - Well, I guess I should have expected this... - Cardboard Trick-or-treaters!
dr201029 -- What's so scary about THAT jack-o'-lantern? - ROWF ROWF ROWF!
dr201030 -- Take some candy out to the trick-or-treaters, Wally! - - On second thought... - WALLY
dr201031 -- - WHACK! - Thanks, Mr. Drabble!
dr201101 -- He's playing soccer, mother! - He'll be excited to know you're watching his game on my phone! - Patrick, look! Grandma is watching you play soccer! - Hi, Patrick! What? - Oh, hi, Grandma! - GOOOOOOOOOAAALLL!! OK, that's enough! Wait! I want
dr201101 -- to tell him about my new kitty!
dr201102 -- When I was a kid, I had nightmares that our old Jack-o'-Lanterns would climb out of the trash can and return to haunt us! - What a scaredy-cat I was! - 
dr201103 -- Why are you piling things on top of the garbage can? - I just threw out our Jack-o'-Lantern, and I don't want it to come back and haunt us! - According to legend, the Abominable Pumpkinman rises out of the garbage can to haunt us until
dr201103 -- Thanksgiving! - Oh, well, that's only a month! Wait, American Thanksgiving or Canadian?
dr201104 -- Ralph, are you really afraid that our old Jach-o'-Lantern will rise up out of our trash can, call irself "The Abominable Pumpkinman", and return to haunt us?? -Yes! Why?? - It's *2020*! Oh, yeah, huh! LOCK THE DOORS!
dr201105 -- Did you hear a noise outside? No, Ralph. Calm down! - Old Jack-o'-Lanterns do not escape from trash cans and return to haunt people. - Besides, if Wally saw a thing like that, he'd bark and protect us! - Right, Wally? He's shivering under the
dr201105 -- covers!
dr201106 -- There's only one way to be sure our old Jack-o'-Lantern doesn't turn into the abominable pumpkinman... - I'm going to take it out of the trash can and smash it! - IT'S GONE! - OOOOOOO
dr201107 -- RUN! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA - Hey, I recognize that laugh! - STEINBAUER!! Top o' the evening, Ralph!
dr201108 -- Look, Ralph! I installed a doorbell camera! - Whenever someone comes to our door, I can see them on my phone! - I can even talk to them! That's great! - - Hey, honeybunch! - Honeybunch? DING DONG! Yes? - What's for dinner? I already regret
dr201108 -- this!
dr201109 -- I overheard you talking to yourself! I couldn't resist playing a prank! - You actually thought your old pumpkin would escape from your trash can and return to haunt you?? HA! - What a scaredy-cat you are, Ralph! I'm going inside to tell my
dr201109 -- wife! - GAAAAAAAAHHH!!
dr201110 -- Sweet! I found some Halloween candy under the cushions! - 3-SECOND RULE! - It's probably been there for at least a week! - 604,800-SECOND RULE!
dr201111 -- WALLY shiver shiver shiver - I said it was VETERANS Day, not VETERINARIANS Day!
dr201112 -- I'm back from the store! Did you buy dog food? - I don't see any dog food! - You didn't eat it all on the way home, did you??
dr201113 -- Whoa! Thisd milk is expired! - It's way past the expiration date! - Why is it still in the refrigerator? - It's so old, everyone's probably afraid to dump it out!
dr201114 -- I figure it's OK to eat this when I'm dieting because there are 50 calories in a donut. - That's incorrect. - A donut has *250* calories! - *50* is in *250*!
dr201115 -- Ralph, according to my tracking app, you stopped at the donut shop on your way home. - I told you dinner would be ready! Did you really stop there? - Yesterday, my tracking app said you were in the middle of the lake! - Technology is weird.
dr201115 -- Obviously you weren't in the lake! I wonder why it said you were! Haha! - Kind of a coincidence! Sigh... - I don't think you really answered the question. I should've gone into politics!
dr201116 -- Eat, sleep, bark... - Eat, sleep, bark. - There must be more to life. - But so far, so good!
dr201117 -- thanks! I'll pick up our order in 20 minutes! - One of the few good things to come from the shutdown is curbside pick-up. - I've known about it for years! sniff sniff!
dr201118 -- Wallet...phone... - Hand sanitizer...lip balm...pen... - Aha! My keys! - Why do you stuff everything into ONE POCKET?? Saves time!
dr201119 -- Six-thirty. - Time to get up! scratch scratch - You too, Wally! It's chilly. I'll wait here until breakfast is ready.
dr201120 -- Ooh! Hold still! - snip! snip! snip! - There! I missed a spot last week! - My wife's haircuts go on for days!
dr201121 -- So nice of them to buy me a ramp. - I think I need a ramp for my ramp!
dr201122 -- CHIRP CHIRP! - - - CHIRP CHIRP! - - - CHIRP CHIRP! Sigh... - Sometimes I think using a family group text is silly. - Especially when they're all in the same room!
dr201123 -- Charlie Chaplin said, " love to walk in the rain so no one can see my tears." - I can relate to that! - Why? Are you sad? No, I sweat a lot!
dr201124 -- It's never too early to start decorating. - Do you mind if I start decorating for Christmas, Ralph? - You ALREADY decorated for Christmas! - These decorations are for Christmas 2021!
dr201125 -- - - Did you buy a turkey yet? Yes. - Darn! I married one, too!
dr201126 -- What could be better then being at the table for Thanksgiving dinner? - Being UNDER the table for Thanksgiving dinner! Oops! I spilled again!
dr201127 -- OK, kids! Time to go! Don't forget your masks! Why do we have to wear them just to go for a walk? - Because I said so! We do whatever mom sayw! - By the way, Ralph, your mask looks different! Who used up my light blue face paint? Shhhh!
dr201128 -- Happy Thanksgiving - - - At least we don't have an Arbor Day Flag!
dr201129 -- skattle skattle skattle - Wanna play ball, Wally? wab wag wag - Hey! skattle skattle skattle - wag wag wag - Hey! skattle skattle skattle - wag wag wag - Hey! skattle skattle skattle - What kind of game was that?? All I know is, I won!
dr201130 -- I bought a Christmas tree, honeybunch! - It's an artificial tree that comes fully decorated! Seriously? - What could be more lazy than getting a predecorated tree? - How about leaving it in the box?
dr201201 -- Empty Water Bottle - Wrapping Paper Tube - Old Sock - It's time to start thinking of my Christmas list!
dr201202 -- I knew we'd eventually find a use for all our face masks, honeybunch! - No.
dr201203 -- KNOCK KNOCK! ? - You were right, I'm going to need help with the lights!
dr201204 -- A used tissue. - An old tennis ball. - A cushion insole. - Still working on your Christmas list? I may need a bigger stocking.
dr201205 -- Suppertime, Wally! - skattle skattle skattle - How about if I put it in your dish? I'm just trying to streamline the process!
dr201206 -- - - - YES!! GO! GO! GO! - TOUCHDOWN!! - WE'RE NUMBER ONE! WE'RE NUMBER... - - I hate it when I look up from my phone, see somebody score a touchdown, and then realize they're just showing a highlight clip!
dr201207 -- - Oh, hello!
dr201208 -- WALLY KNOCK KNOCK! - ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF! - Another package? Thanks! - 'tis the season! I'm pretty sure it's badger season!
dr201209 -- "Silent Night". "Grandma got run over by a reindeer". - I'm telling you the world's greatest Christmas song is "Silent Night". - Nope, its "Grandma got run over by a reindeer". Sigh... - Some people just shouldn't argue with each other!
dr201210 -- I really miss holiday shopping at the mall. - The music, the chaos, the elaborate decorations... - How is that any different from our living room? *
dr201211 -- * And A Partridge in a Pear Tree! * Merry Christmas, Drabble Family! - Thank you for the song and cookies! - Next year, just skip the song! Shhh!
dr201212 -- MALL Well, I guess that was a failure, mom! - It was worth a try. - I thought it would be fun to get a picture of Wally with Santa. - Oh, well... At least now we all know his beard's not real!
dr201213 -- See you after work, honeybunch! For dinner tonight, let's go get a hamburger! - We'll go to that new burger place that you like! Great! - - - - - - I change dmy mind. We're having spinach casserole! * - I hate it when he comes home grumpy!
dr201214 -- We've put up all our decorations, but it still doesn't feel like Christmas! - What am I forgetting? - Oh, yeah! - Much better!
dr201215 -- YAWN! - - Dang! - I hate it when I'm all ready to go to bed, and it's only 7:45!
dr201216 -- beep beep boop beep - - Hey, it's your brother. Happy birthday. Bye! - Too bad you had to leave a message. No, he answered.
dr201217 -- MORE CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS? - Our house is FULL! There's nothing left to decorate! - I know that! - These decorations are for the car!
dr201218 -- ROWF ROWF ROWF! - ROWF ROWF ROWF! - ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF-ROWF! - Quit barking "Jingle Bells". Sorry. I'm losing my mind!
dr201219 -- There's nothing like a cup of hot chocolate with whipped cream on top! - SKKRRAAKK!! - - Something wrong?
dr201220 -- OK, Wally! Here's a wrapping paper tube! - - lap lap lap lap lap! - Hey, bring back that gingerbread man ornament! skattle skattle skattle - ...and we even threw in a cookie for your dog! - Don't worry! Santa doesn't come until Thursday!
dr201220 -- GRRRR - Come back with my stocking!! - I'm not sure what Christmas is all about, but I know I like it!
dr201221 -- ONLY FOUR DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS!! - They're so excited they're counting the days! Isn't that cute? - HEY, ONLY 57 DAYS UNTIL PITCHERS AND CATCHERS REPORT FOR SPRING TRAINING!
dr201222 -- Oh boy! I smell  gingerbread! - I LOVE gingerbread! - There's nothing like the aroma of freshly baked gingerbread! - Except for a recently purchased scented candle!
dr201223 -- ...and Santa will slide down the chimney with his bag of toys! - Why does he slide down the cimney? I know why... - If he knocked on a door with a dachshund inside, it would no longer be a silent night!
dr201224 -- WALLY Hello, Wally. It's just me, Santa. Z - I'll be very quiet and I won't wake you up. ZZYZX - Knock on wood! - ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF Why did I say "Knock"??
dr201225 -- Hello, Ralph! Too excited to sleep? No, I'm just upset. - All day long I read doom and gloom on social media. I have the perfect gift for you. Hand me your smartphone! - Thanks. You're keeping it?? - Aren't you supposed to GIVE things?
dr201225 -- Believe me, I did! Merry Christmas!
dr201226 -- Just remember, Ralph, this is the greatest time ever to be alive! - You liv ein comfort and freedom! - You've got an abundanc eof food, the finest medicine, amazing technology... - And a great home security system!
dr201227 -- Here you go, Ralph...three dozen donuts! - Will that be all? Hmmm...let's see...five days until New Year's Eve... - Better make it FOUR dozen! - Yes, sir! This is my year-end tradition! - Tradition?? I binge on donuts right up until midnight
dr201227 -- on New-Year's Eve... - And then I start my resolution to stop eating donuts! See you on January 2nd!
dr201228 -- Norman, come give your mother a hug! - ...Sigh... - Fine. - Kids never make it easy, do they?
dr201229 -- * * - - - 2020 problems!
dr201230 -- Oh boy! They're building a new "Down-n-out" burger restaurant! - Where will it be? On the outskirts of town. - Unless you're coming from the opposite direction. - Then it's on the INSKIRTS of town!
dr201231 -- HAPPY NEW YEAR! It's almost midnight! 3...2...1... - 2020 IS OVER!! I feel better already! I haven't been fed this year yet!
dr210101 -- What can I do for you, Steinbauer? I just want to wish you a happy new year! - That's what you said last year, and look what happened! Good luck!
dr210102 -- - - 45 days until pitchers & catchers report to spring training! When do the cardboard fans report?
dr210103 -- WALLY Well? What's your explanation for all this? - I've been hacked!
dr210104 -- It's snowing outside! - Do you think school will be closed today? - I'm afraid not, Penny! - It's on Zoom, remember? You said 2020 was over!
dr210105 -- - GAH! - I've reached the age when my driver's license photo looks better than I do.
dr210106 -- "...and then Pery the Pig said, 'That's not the way home'." - Excuse me, I have to get a drink! - Can you pause it?
dr210707 -- I KNOW YOU'RE HIDING SOMEWHERE, WALLY! - COME ON, WE NEED TO GO! - YOU HAVE AN APPOINTMENT WITH THE VET! - Couldn't we just do it on Zoom?
dr210108 -- - - Why did you put a banana in a Hot Dog bun? - Because they don't make banana buns!
dr210109 -- Brrr! It's definitely sweatpants weather this morning! - Where did I leave them? Oh, here they are! - What on earth... - POP!
dr210110 -- I'm home! Dad, giess what! - Hold on! Don't tell me anything about the football game! I set the recorder so I could watch it after work. Don't spoil it, OK? - I've avoided all media today because I didn't want to hear the score! We
dr210110 -- understand! - We will not tell you anything about it. Thank you. - I will only say that I think you'll enjoy MOST of the game. - Except maybe for thje very end. I still can't believe it. But I won't say anything! I can't bear to watch it
dr210110 -- again. Maybe I'll just go back to work!
dr210111 -- Do I have time for a little snack before dinner? - I suppose. Thanks! - ...a bacon cheeseburger, fries, a chocolate shake...
dr210112 -- Just remember, Ralph... - Most of our problems are all up here! - I agree! - They're all in my wife's head!
dr210113 -- BRRR! Good morning, Wally. - Come on, let's go outside! - What part of "Let's go outside" did you not understand? You lost me at BRRR!
dr210114 -- - - Happy Sweatpants weather! He has a flag for every occasion!
dr210115 -- Where are the popsicles? - DAD! NO!! - DON'T THROW YOUR LIFE AWAY! YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR! - My head was in the FREEZER, not in the OVEN! Oh, yeah, huh!
dr210116 -- Here's a list of things I need at Bulk Club! You expect me to shop at Bulk Club on a SATURDAY?? - My wife sure knows how to keep me in line! - ...Sigh... Checkout
dr210117 -- Look, Wally! - It's your very own doggie stroller! - Now I can take you for a walk, and I won't have to carry you when you get tired! - This is great! I feel so special! Service Dog - Seriously, dude? - How embarrassing!
dr201118 -- I'm so glad hockey season is back! - It's time to take off my festive Christmas necklace and put on my festive hockey necklace! - Hockey necklace? -
dr210119 -- I've heard that if you ask Alexis to pay you a compliment, she'll say something nice about you! - Hey, Alexis, pay me a compliment! - - I said, PAY ME A COMLIMENT! I'm thinking! I'm thinking!
dr210120 -- Hey, Alexis... Oh, what now? - Of all th emodern household gadgets, you are definitely the most annoying! - YIKES!! HUMMM - WHAT WAS THAT?! Our new robotic vacuum.
dr210121 -- HUMMMMM - HUMM - I like how the robotic vacuum changes course when it bumps into something!
dr210122 -- Hey, Alexis...what's the temperature outside? - How would I know? You never take me outside! - OH I'LL TAKE YOU OUTSIDE ALL RIGHT! Ralph, don't yell at our electronic device! You're scaring the robotic vacuum! !!
dr210123 -- HUMMMM - You missed a spot! HUMMMM When did we become The Jetsons?
dr210124 -- WHACK! - - SKIP SKIP - BOUNCE! - - JUST LIKE THE PROS DO IT!! Too bad that's not the hole you were aiming for!
dr210125 -- OH NO! - What's wrong, honeybunch? - Our tree isn't drinking! Fortunately, we'll be getting a new one soon!
dr210126 -- HUMMMM - HUMMM - Why does this robotic vacuum always follow me around? You drop a lot of crumbs! HUMMMMMMM
dr210127 -- ...Sigh... HUMMM - HUMM - Go get it! HUMMMMM!!
dr210128 -- ? - Please don't ring the doorbell. Our wiener dog goes berserk and drives us all crazy. - He'll bark his head off! Probably thinks you're a badger. Otherwise, he's very smart. So please just leave the package and quietly walk away. Thank
dr210128 -- you! - And people wonder why I'm alwys running late!
dr210129 -- - Oops! That piece is for you, Wally! - HUMMM - Vaccum-1 Wally-0
dr210130 -- HMMMMM - zzyzx! - OOOWAAA HOOHOO! - This robotic vacuum is really starting to annoy me.
dr210131 -- This is the strangest thing... - Yesterday I said that I'd like to buy a new car, and today I've got ads for new cars popping up on my computer! - I'm pretty sure our Alexis device is spying on us! - I AM NOT! - I WASN'T TALKING TO YOU!!
dr210131 -- Sorry. - You need a vacation, Ralph! ...Sigh... - Now I'm getting ads for Tahiti! 4 nights with airfaire starting at $1,899!
dr210201 -- Ten seconds to midnight! 3...2...1... - HAPPY EXPIRATION DATE!! We can finally throw out this tub of egg salad! Please go to bed now!
dr210202 -- Legend has it that when the groundhog peeks out... - If he sees his shadow... - And the hurries back inside... Aaahh! - It means there will be eleven more months of 2021!
dr210203 -- What are you doing? i'm recording a 3-hour video of a roaring fire! - Next Christmas morning, we can watch it and feel all cozy! - Why would we watch a video of a fire in our fireplace when wecould have a REAL fire in our fireplace? - I wish
dr210203 -- you'd voiced your concerns 2 1/2 hours ago! 
dr210204 -- WALLY HUMM - ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF! HUMM - BUMP! - skattle skattle skattle skattle HUMMM
dr210205 -- HUMMM - Oh, all right. - Here you go! - It's cute when he begs! HUMMM
dr210206 -- I think I'll sit on the couch to watch Zoom church this morning! - I'll use my laptop. It'll just be a little more comfortable! -
dr210207 -- More SUPER BOWL Terminology! - Delay of Game This is the longest pre-game show ever! When, oh when, will this game start? I'm tired of waiting! - Dive Play Did you get enough dip on that chip? - Handoff Do not touch that cake until the fourth
dr210207 -- quarter! - 2 Minute Warning The moment the first half ends, I've got dibs on the bathroom! - Blitz I've never seen so many commersials in my life! - Takeaway CLOMP! - Sack It's only the second quarter! Oooooh! I'm so stuffed, I think I'll
dr210207 -- just go to bed!
dr210208 -- WALLY HUMMM - GRRRRR! HUMM - BUMP! HUMMM - Sometimes you just have to show 'em who's boss!
dr210209 -- I think I'll go for a jog to work off that big doinner! - PUFF! PUFF! - PUFF! PUFF! - Apparently, It's now time to work off that jog!
dr210210 -- How's it going, honeybunch? Shhhh! - Can't you see that I'm trying to listen to a podcast while watching a movie while playing Solitaire?
dr210211 -- Hmm...I wonder if she'd like this card. - Maybe I need a second opinion. - Excuse me, Ma'am, I wondered if... - Norman! ECHO!
dr210212 -- What are YOU doing here, Norman? - I'm trying to pick out a Valentine for someon special! Oh, really? - Tell me something about her! - She has dark hair and she's a little taller than you!
dr210213 -- Echo, I'm picking out a Valentine card for my GRANDMA! - Oooh, I understand. I guess I was just sort of hoping you were picking out a card for ME! - I'm afraid I wasn't... - Because I already picked yours out!
dr210214 -- I don't belie it, Ralph. Did you even LOOK at this card before you bought it? - It's not a Valentine's Day card, it's a BIRTHDAY card! You're hopeless! - Honeybunch, I'm surprised you didn't get it! - Our very first date was on Valentine's
dr210214 -- Day, remember? Yes. - My first date with you was the day my life began! Therefore, I think of it like a birthday! - NOW do you understand the card? - That's so sweet! I'm sorry for jumping to conclusions! - How romantic! sniff! - Gee, dad!
dr210214 -- You're lucky all the Valentine cards at the gas stations wer epicked over last night! Will you go eat some candy or something?!
dr210215 -- SNARF! - ...Sigh... - - Being a dog is an art!
dr210216 -- KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK - Someone's at the doot! - I mean... - ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF!!
dr210217 -- Uh-oh! - * * - * * * - Brain freeze? I prefer to think of it as intermittent fasting.
dr210218 -- Why, hello, Ralph! Hav you lost weight? - You look GREAT! You must be working a lot! Anyway, what can I do for you? - Well, I was just going to have one donut, but maybe I'll get two! Works every time!
dr210219 -- The last time I used this club, it broke, but the ball went straight. - WHACK! - Whoa! The clubhead flew off, but the ball landed in the green! - A broken club is right twice a day!
dr210220 -- I'm so glad we can finally go back to church again! - It was nice to watch it on Zoom from the comfort of our home, but we got into some bad habits. - Like what? Like only getting half-dressed!
dr210221 -- I love our new robotic vaccum! HUMMMM - It goes back and forth... HUMMM - And all around... HUMM - Until it covers every inch of the floor! HUMMMMM - It's quiet... HUMMMMMM ROWR! - And efficient... HUMMM skattle skattle skattle skattle! - But
dr210221 -- it's probably best to run it when nobody's home! AAAAUUGHH!! HUMMMMM
dr210222 -- It's time to log in to my history class. - Today is Georde Washington's bithday! - Really? Wait... - He's that dude form "Hamilton", right?
dr210223 -- WALLY - - ZZYZX ? Sounded like a can opener!
dr210224 -- - WAP! - BOOF! - Way to get in front of it!
dr210225 -- - Tax Form - 24 Hour TACO - I do some of my best thinking over a bowl of cereal!
dr210226 -- Is today's strip a rerun? No, why? - It seem familiar. Maybe it's because we always sit at this table! - We should go somewhere else. Let's go stand by the piano. - Pianos must be hard to draw. Now I know why we're always at the table!
dr210227 -- Dad, are you sure today's strip isn't a rerun? Positive. - But it's February! - Why would a cartoonist draw falling leaves if he didn't have to? Cartoonists are weird!
dr210228 -- HUMMM - YKES! HUMMMM - HUMMM - WALLY HUMMMMMMMM - HUMMMMM - Ralph, you don't need to move things for our robotic vacuum! If it bumps into something, it changes direction! HUMMMM - I know! - Now if I could only get our Alexis device out of here!
dr210228 -- I heard that!
dr210301 -- Sigh... - Dinner, Wally. Sorry I'm late! - You're just in time. I was about to chew up a shoe!
dr210302 -- WALLY OOPS! - HUMMMM - HUMMM - HA! I BEAT YOU TO IT! munch munch! I wish you two wouldn't race.
dr210303 -- What's with you? - I just decided to put on a happy face! - You should too! - This IS my happy face!
dr210304 -- Did you finish waxing the car, Norm? - No, I put a dent in it. - -
dr210305 -- Well, I think that I can safely say that our society is becoming more unified. - How so? It looks like everybody has lost their mind.
dr210306 -- The package delivery guy is here. -Go out and get it before he rings the doorbell! - It makes Wally come unglued! - Not that he's exactly "glued" to begin with... - More like "high strung." Do I hear a badger?
dr210307 -- Oh boy! Supper time! - Ralph, where are you? HUMMMMM - I'm feeding the dog! - HUM - When you're done, can you come here? Sure. - skattle skattle skattle skattle HUMMM - HUMMMM BUMP! - HUMMM - BUMP! HUMMMMM I've heard of getting food to go,
dr210307 -- but this is ridiculous!
dr210308 -- Dad, what's a six-letter word for "President Franklin"? Pierce. - Gee, dad, you're a walking encyclopedia. - You can say that again! - I'm old.fashioned, take up a lot of space, and nobody looks at me anymore! You also have an appendix!
dr210309 -- You're not going to eat that whole box of cookies, are you? - You wouldn't do that, would you? WOULD YOU? - HEY! - When things aren't going your way, just shake up the box!
dr210310 -- - I sometimes pull my phone out and look at it for no reason at all. - I'll bet old people like you don't have that problem, right, Dad? - You'd be surprised!
dr210311 -- I'm going outside, mom. I've got my mask on. - Experts now say that it's safer to weart TWO masks. - I find that hard to believe! - It makes it hard to see where I'm going!
dr210312 -- After a long day at work, your dad used to always come home and say, "my feet are killing me!" I'm home! - It's been different since the pandemic. My ears are killing me! Stupid mask! ***
dr210313 -- Wow! I lost half of my Twitter followers overnight! - What's going on here? This is very suspicious! - How many followers did you lose? - One. Sorry, dear. I just didn't find you that interesting.
dr210314 -- Ralph, I need to go buy a birthday gift for my uncle. - I think I'll go to the hardware store and buy him a leaf blower! Okay. - Here's a gift card I got for Christmas. Use it at the hardware store. - I won't use your gift card to buy
dr210314 -- something for my uncle! That's YOUR gift card! - It wouldn't be right! - That card was a gift for YOU to get something for YOURSELF! - That's what I'm doing! - What could be a better gift than not having to pay for your uncle's leaf blower?
dr210314 -- No, I'll just use your credit card!
dr200315 -- Z - - No, you may not have a midnight snack! - Although, now that you mention it...
dr210316 -- Wally - - BURP! - Your sarcasm is lost on me.
dr210317 -- Top o' the mrnin'. honeybunch! - 'tis a fine St. Paddy's day! - Ralph, I've told you before...I've done the research and you have no Irish blood! - I will after I finish this bowl of lucky charms!
dr210318 -- Z ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF! _ Why do you bark at me? - Because you're a cat! - That must be why I don't care.
dr210319 -- - Ha! 25 bubbles! - Try to beat that! - 26 Show-off!
dr210320 -- Not a care in the world! - ROWF! - If you see someone without a care in the world, give him one of yours.
dr210321 -- Is today's comic strip a rerun? - Of course not! What a weird question! Why would you ask that? - Something doesn't seem right around here. - It's like we're living in the past. How come?  - Because it's almost Easter, and we have Christmas
dr210321 -- lights on our house! Oh, I can explain that! Give me a break. I've been busy!
dr210322 -- Good morning, honeybunch! - grumble grumble - She's always a lttle grumpy for the first eleven hours after she wakes up!
dr210323 -- click click click! - Why won't the lamp turn on? I programme dit. You have to ask Alexis. - ALEXIS, TURN ON THE LAMP! No, you have to say "Alexis, turn on outlet 4." - I always thought that in the future, things would get LESS complicated!
dr210324 -- You crazy dog! - Why do you always walk around in circles before you go to sleep? - BOP BOP! Probably the same reason you always do THAT!
dr210325 -- This fire reminds me... - Doesn't grandma have a birthday coming? She doesn't need THAT many candles!
dr210326 -- Is everybody ready? - It's time to go! - I can't go. Why not? - My belt loop is caught on the closet door handle. That's my boy!
dr210327 -- Time to go! Oops, I almost forgot the crayons and coloring books! - They're very useful at church for those members of our family with short attention spans! - I'll trade you a green one for a purple!
dr210328 -- - WALLY - Excuse me... - - Ah HA! - Wiener dog owners never wonder what happened to their missing socks!
dr210329 -- HUMMMMM - Now that's respect. It changed direction BEFORE it bumped into me! HUMMM
dr210330 -- I bought a new welcome mat, honeybunch. - Come see it! - Why did you put it INSIDE? I like it better when guests leave.
dr210331 -- Why can't I turn on the TV?? - Now you have to ask Alexis! I don't want to ask Alexis! - I hate trying to communicate with an inanimate object every day! - Tell me more about it! ZZYZX!
dr210401 -- - - BEWARE Happy now? I'll bet that stupid Easter bunny will think twice THIS year!
dr210402 -- Ralph, the Easter candy is all picked over!! - They don't have jelly beans or chocolate eggs! They're even out of the plastic grass! - I'm so upset! WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?! It'll be OK! Just do your best! - What's wrong with mom? She's an
dr210402 -- Easter basket-case.
dr210403 -- Your Easter candy is all picked over! What kind of store is this?! - No chocolate eggs, no jelly beans, nothing! - What am I supposed to put in my kids' baskets tomorrow?? I thought you'd be all stocked up, Mrs. Drabble! - Your husband has
dr210403 -- been here buying the Easter candy every day since February!
dr210404 -- Here are all the eggs I found, dad! Wow! Great job, Patrick! - Penny! You found more eggs than Patrick! Way to go! - I didn't find any eggs, but I did find your car keys, your credit card, the TV remote, and $17.28! Who doesn't love an Easter
dr210404 -- egg hunt?
dr210405 -- What's wrong with you, Wally? - Usually you LIKE holiday leftovers! - I guess I prefer Thanksgiving!
dr210406 -- Ben Franklin said, "Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, weathly and wise!. - Dad should be the world's healthiest billionaire! Z
dr210407 -- WOOF WOOF! - ARF! ARF! ARF! - ROWF ROWF ROWF yawn! - munch munch munch! NOW you're speaking my language!
dr210408 -- I have an app on my phone that counts how many steps I take each day! - My goal for better health is 10,000 steps per day. Wow, that's a lot! - Yeah, but if I just shake it like this, it thinks I'm walking! - I'm tired. You shake it for a
dr210408 -- while! Anything to help you get in shape!
dr210409 -- - WALLY! STOP BARKING! - * Who let the dogs out? ** Who! Who! Who! Who! Who! * Sorry, my bad!
dr210410 -- Still no dinner! - They went to bed without feeding me! This is outrageous! I demand satisfaction! - FETCH!
dr210411 -- ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF! Don't bark at the kite, Wally! - Thre's no way you can reach it anyway! - - skattle skattle skattle - skattle skattle skattle skattle skattle - GOT IT! Where there's a wiener dog, there's a way!
dr210412 -- I forget why I'm going upstairs. - Should I turn around and go back down? - I've already climbed seven steps. If I go back down and THEN remember, I'll have to start all over again! - Ralph, why are you sitting in the middle of the staircase?
dr210412 -- Quiet! I'm trying to think!
dr210413 -- Well? Is our team out of the Pennant Race yet? Don't give up so quickly, honeybunch! - The season just started! This year will be different! There's plenty of time to... - ...and this ballgame is over! OK, NOW they're out of the race!
dr210414 -- - - - ...Sigh... She's always so excited when she buys something online!
dr210415 -- TWANGG! - - - You're up! "3 Flies Up" is more fun with donut holes!
dr210416 -- RRPHH! - RPPHFF! Protected by Wally - RPPFFF! Don't bark with your mouth full!
dr210417 -- Chasing butterflies... - Sniffing flowers... - Frolicking in the grass... - If only people could enjoy life so much! If you want to be happy, hang out with a dog!
dr210418 -- WALLY! TIME TO COME IN! - FLADDLE ADDLE APP! - I hate it when he does that! Especially when it's not even raining outside! scooch scooch scooch!
dr210419 -- Boy, it's great to be back in the ball park again! There aren't many fans here! - Under the circumstances, they're only allowing 20% capacity. I understand. - What I DON'T understand is why there's still a line for the bathroom! Some things
dr210419 -- never change!
dr210420 -- The lines are extra long at the stadium for social distancing. - I can't even find the end of it! - Pardon me.
dr210421 -- The ball park is really quiet with so few fans here! - HEY, SMITH! YOU COULDN'T HIT WATER IF YOU FELL OUT OF A BOAT!! - - You should've kept your mask on, dad!
dr210422 -- A foul ball! - I CAUGHT IT! I CAUGHT IT!! - The pitcher's spit is all over that ball! - EWW! Here's some hand sanitizer!
dr210423 -- Another foul ball coming our way! - - SNAG! - Good thing my mask is a size XL!
dr210424 -- Why is everybody standing up and singing "Take Me Out to the Ball Game"? It's the seventh inning stretch! - I know we haven't been to a game in a long time, but how could you not know THAT? - Because we usually leave before the seventh inning
dr210424 -- to beat traffic!
dr210425 -- ZZYZX! - Put me in, coach! - I can do it! - I know I'll get a hit! - As long as the pitcher doesn't throw you a curveball! - I can't even get a word in edgewise when I talk in my sleep!
dr210426 -- Good morning, Wally! - Ready...set... - GO! - Wally burns up more calories before breakfast than I do in a week!
dr210427 -- Mom, I thibk it's time that everyone around here started treating me like an adult! I'm proud of you standing for yourself. - What are you doing? I'm writing that down in your baby book! * * *
dr210428 -- DAD'S HOME! YAY! - Oh, boy, oh boy, oh boy! HE'S HOME! - OK, I regret saying that I wish my family would be as happy to see me as Wally always is. Oh, come on. I don't act that ridiculous!
dr210429 -- Gee, Wally... - You just keep going and going. - Don't you ever get tired? - Besides when I want to sit down and watch TV? ZZXZX
dr210430 -- My doctor said I need more exercise. - He tolde me to put an app on my phone that counts my steps each day. - So that's what I did! - Good boy! Wanna chase it again?
dr210501 -- What channel do you want to watch, Wally? - Hey, this looks good! - - OK, not the Food Network!
dr201052 -- puff puff puff wheeze! - Hello! Hi! - Good moring! Hello! - Hi there! Hey! - Whenever I go jogging, I smile and say hello to everyone. puff! puff! wheeze! puff! - I never know who might have to call 911 for me!
dr210503 -- What do you want to watc hon TV, Wally? - How about this? - ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF! - Not HGTV! Too many doorbells!
dr210504 -- What else can we watch on TV, Wally? - How about this? - - Not ESPN. People throw balls.
dr210505 -- Thare must be something on TV that we'd both like. - How about this? - - OK, not the Travel Channel. Now he thinks I'm going away!
dr210506 -- Hey, I'll bet you'd like to watch Animal Planet! - ROWF! ROWF! ROWF! CRASH!! RIP! SNARL! GROWL! SCRATCH @!!** *@!! - Why is Wally destroying the TV? There was a show about badgers!
dr210507 -- Z - Good morning! - beep! - Get to work! HUMMMM - I wish I could wake up and go to work that cheerfully.
dr210508 -- You've been running all day! You sound tired. HUMMMmmmm... - Come on, little friend! I'll put you back to bed! - beep beep boop What? Oh, OK. - "Once upon a time, there were three little vacuums..."
dr210509 -- * MOM Hey, Alexis... - What should we give mom for Mother's Day? - Just don't make her breakfast in bed because you'll mess up the kitchen. - Here's a better idea: Give her a hug and a kiss, then all of you go take a walk in the park and
dr210509 -- leave mom at home. - She'll enjoy the alone time, and probably relax and read a book. - Great idea! Thanks, Alexis! - You're welcome!
dr210510 -- Eat all of your dinner, kids! Even the vegatables? - My friend Bennett is a vegan. What's that? - Someone who doesn't eat anything that comes from animals. - Maybe I should be a VEGETABLE vegan!
dr210511 -- Dang! I forgot to ask the drive-thru guy for salt! - Noproblem. I keep some in the glove compartment! - And I keep napkins and straws in the visor! - Your car is like your own personal dining room, isn't it? - Barbecue sauce?
dr210512 -- I'm afraid to ask, but how are things in the news today? - Let's just say "population density" is taking a whole new meaning.
dr210513 -- Sometimes I feel sorry for Bob. - He's just a duck and that's all he'll ever be. - Remember, ducks are one of the few creatures on earth who can swin, fly, and walk on land! - It's always the quiet ones who have the most going for them!
dr210514 -- What would you like for dionner, Wally... - Dog food, dog food, or dog food? - I can't decide... - So I'll take all of them!
dr210515 -- We like your new swimming trunks and inner tube, dad! Yeah, dad! They're out of this world! Really? Yeah, you look like SATURN!
dr210516 -- It's weird being in an almost empty baseball stadium! We have practically the whole row for ourselves! - Would you pass down these peanuts, please? - ...Sigh... - Here. Thanks. Tell him all I've got is a fifty! - - Here's the change. He said
dr210516 -- to keep it!
dr210517 -- WHIRRRR * LA LA LA * - WHIRRRR * LA LA LA LA * - WHIRRRRR - Someone's been vacuuming while wearing ear buds again! WHIRRRRR
dr210518 -- DRIVE-THRU VACCINE Do you have an appointment? Ralph Drabble, 10:15. - Very good. Put your car in "park", please. - Hold still... AAAUUGH! - I'm just taking your temperature. Sorry. I thought that was the needle!
dr210519 -- Vaccine Drive Thru Roll up your sleeve, dude! Wait! Are you a real doctor? - No, but I play one on TV! - Ha ha! That's funny! - I'm serious. It's a soap opera!
dr210520 -- Vaccination Drive Thru Dude, I assure you I know what I'm doing! - OK, but is the shot going to hurt? - This shot will not hurt, and believe me because I've had a bunch of them! - A bunch of them?? I keep accidentally poking myself!
dr210521 -- I got my vaccine, honeybunch! That took you longer than I thought! - Oh, well, I'm proud of you! KISS - Why do you smell like a chili burger and onion rings? - It must be one of the side effects!
dr210522 -- Good morning, Wally! - No,no! - No no WHAT? - You'll think of something!
dr210523 -- OK, let's go! Wait for me in the car. I need to use the restroom. - Dang! The bathroom has a keypad! - Excuse me, what's the code to unlock the men's room? - 24703. 24703! 24703! - Number 198! Your order is ready! Number 198! 19803! - IT
dr210523 -- DOESN'T WORK! - What's the men's room code again? 24703. - Number 209! 20903. - What on earth could be taking him so long? Well, it IS Norman, remember!
dr210524 -- I've decided to become popular on twitter by telling jokes! - How much does a pirate pay for an ear of corn? - A dollar a cob! - You were supposed to say a buccaneer! Dang! I just lost my follower!
dr210525 -- We have nothing in common. You're cool but I'm a nerd. At least I have a pet duck who loves me! - JINX!
dr210526 -- - - Never trust a smiling dog. Don't go in the kitchen, OK?
dr210527 -- SIT! - Good boy! - SIT! - Good boy! He sure gets tired a lot!
dr210528 -- Feed me or I'll cough up a fur ball! - Here's your dinner, Oogie! - I think I'll cough up a fur ball anyway. Tell me again why we bought a cat.
dr210529 -- WHIRRRRRR... ZZYZX - 'atta boy! Chicken!
dr210530 -- Here are the hot dogs for the barbecue, Ralph! They'll be done in no time! - Ooops! - THREE-SECOND-RULE!! - ZOOM! - Three-second-rules are useless when your dog has a ONE-second rule!
dr210531 -- Here's your burger, son! - - I forgot to say thanks! You're welcome. - Memorial Day is always a good day to remember our thank yous!
dr210601 -- - - - Shout-out to the inventor of the kitchen trash can!
dr210602 -- You kids have it easy. - When I was your age, we had to remember everyone's phone number. - All of our friends, relatives, neighbors. - I still remember the number of a pizza parlor that closed in 1982.  What's my password again?
dr210603 -- It has come to my attention that... - Now something ELSE has come to my attention! - And THAT! And THAT! And THAT! Wally has a short attention span, doesn't he!
dr210604 -- I'll have a burger and fries! - What would you like, honeybunch? - I'd like a burger on the rare side with ketchup, lettuce, tomato, and a dab of mustard on a fresh bun, and I'd like my fries well done, with no salt! - She'll have a burger
dr210604 -- and fries, too!
dr210605 -- Another beautiful morning! So long, Wally. - I'm off to the rat race! Take me with you. I'd win!
dr210606 -- Good heavens! - How on earth did you get in there?? - Daddy will take you home now! Veterinary - It's just the vacuum! - Sigh... - Is your dog a rescue? Every day! GRRRR...
dr210607 -- SLOW DOWN!! - WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING! - I'm obviously the only sane person on the road today! - ...said the guy who yells to himself. WHAT'S WRONG WITH EVERYONE?!!
dr210608 -- What are you staring at, dad? - Why does our neighbor always mow his lawn in a dress shirt and slacks? - Weird! - The least he could do is wear a tie!
dr210609 -- Eat your carrots, Penny! I don't like carrots! - Just eat this much! No! I won't! - Penny has a strong will. She has a stronger WON'T!
dr210610 -- Sit, Wally! Sit! - Wally! Come back here! I'm not sure obedience school on Zoom is a great idea!
dr210611 -- - Hi, dad! Hello, son. - Why are you walking the vacuum? huh? Oh, I guess I got distracted. WHIRRRR
dr210612 -- GRRRR! - sniff sniff sniff - Hello! - How could you tell he was nice by smelling him? No badgers detected!
dr201613 -- Darn! Someone left the hose out! - RALPH! WE'RE LATE FOR CHURCH! LET'S GO! - I'LL BE RIGHT THERE! CRANK CRANK! CRANK! - I NEED TO WIND UP THE HOSE! CRANK CRANK CRANK - ALMOST DONE! CRANK CRA... - AAAKK! - ...Sigh...
dr210614 -- WALLY! HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU NOT TO GET INTO THE KITCHEN TRASH?!! - Just today? eleven.
dr210615 -- Sorry, Wally... - You're not allowed in the kitchen. - It's nothing personal. How did YOU get back in here??
dr210616 -- honeybunch, I bought a new kitchen trash can that Wally can't get into! - The lid onöy opens with a food pedal! - It's dog proof! - Take it back and get one that's WIENER dog-proof!
dr210617 -- Honeybunch, I have finally succeeded in making the kitchen trash can Wally-proof! - I built a cage around it! - There's no way Wally can get into it now! He'd have to... - DANG! Wally loves a challenge!
dr210618 -- Wally sure keeps me on my toes! - I can't take my eyes off him! He'll get into everything! - Fast, sneaky, and doesn't understand the word "no." - Having a dachshund is like having two-year-old twins! CRASH!
dr210619 --- Happy Father's Day, mom! Mom gets a Father's Day card?? - Sure! She always works hard on Father's Day! She wraps presents and bakes a cake! - She deserves recognition! So, what can we do for you on Father's Day, mom? Breakfast in bed would
dr210619 -- be nice!
dr210620 -- click! - WHIRRRRRRRRR - WALLY RRRRRRRRR - RRRRRRRRRRRR skattle skattle skattle! - RRRRRRRRRR - RRRRRRRRRRRRRR! - Indiana Jones would be proud!
dr210621 -- I thought of a gift I might like for Christmas, honeybunch! - Why do you always wait until the last minute to give me gift ideas?? - Christmas is six months away! - You know I like to shop early! ...Sigh...
dr210622 -- Good morning, Wally! - It's only 6:30! - You're sitting up already?? - I'm an early riser!
dr210623 -- Hi, Wendy! Would you like to go out with me on Friday? - You'd need to wear a mask. - Actually, I don't think I still need to wear a mask to play miniature golf! - It has nothing to do with the pandemic!
dr210624 -- I'm hungry. Me too. - Let's get out and go to the donut shop again! OK! - Maybe that cute swimming pool wasn't such a good idea!
dr210625 -- Too bad you're holding a ball. You won't be able to catch this chip! - - SNARF! - He's good!
dr210626 -- S'mores are easy to make, Norm! All you need are marshmallows, graham crackers and chocolate bars! - Have fun! - I thought you said this was easy!
dr210627 -- - TIE! - - TIE! - TIE! - TIE! - TIE! - TIE! - Echo and I think so much alike, our rock-paper-scissors games take forever!
dr210628 -- BAM BAM BAM - BEWARE OF DOG Why'd you put it way down there? Badger eye level!
dr210629 -- Oogie is the weirdest cat in the world! Why? - He likes to play with a laser pen! - That's not weird. Most cats like to play with laser pens. - You're right. Oogie's the weirdest!
dr210630 -- - SLOSH! - SSSSSSSSSS - Gee, dad! What did you have to get in the pool for?
dr210701 -- Whoops! - Sorry, Steinbauer! It's been a long time since I played cornhole! - I'm a little rusty!
dr210702 -- Food, food, food! Is that all you ever thinggkk aphouupph? - Sorry, I had my mouth full!
dr210703 -- HAPPY 4th - -
dr210704 -- I love the fourth of July! - Hot dogs, games, fireworks... - And a big picnic in the park with friends and neighbors! - It's been a tough year, but no one can dampen my enthusiasm! - Except for whoever programmed the sprinklers to come on!
dr210705 -- Welcome to Polecat National Park! - Mountain lions may be present and are unpredictable. - They have been known to attack without warning. Your safety cannot be guaranteed. - Have a nice day!
dr210706 -- The beauty of our national park is astounding! - Yeah, that must be why it's so crowded every summer! - They should cut down some of these trees and build another parking lot!
dr210707 -- When exploring a national park, find a good walking stick! - It helps you keep your balance over rugged terrain! - It's also good for fending off dangerous animals! -
dr210708 -- This national park is a work of art! Art? Who's Art?? - The views are breathtaking! I don't want my breath to be taken! HA! - You need to experience the wonders of nature! We are! We're wondering what we're doing here! - Keep trying, dad! I
dr210708 -- wonder if John Muir's kids were this difficult!
dr210709 -- Look at this view, son! Isn't it amazing? - Give me your phone. - - Luckily for you, there's a fine for littering.
dr210710 -- Remember, Norm, never feed the wild animals in a national park! - When the tourists feed them, the animals get less afraid of humans and become bolder as they look for food! - Snack Bar So be alert! OK!
dr210711 -- - - - I hate it when he walks around in circles trying to get comfortable! - - ACHOO! - - Now he has to start all over!
dr210712 -- There's nothing better than exploring a national park! - I get lost in the beauty! - I get lost in the serenity! - We're lost, aren't we? I remember we walked past a big tree...
dr210713 -- Where ARE we?? - My phone doesn't even work out here! - We could be out here for a long time! - It's a good thing we brought snacks! Yeah, they were delicious!
dr210714 -- I have a park map, dad! Maybe it can tell us how to get back! - Hmmm... - Hmmmm... - What are you looking for? The little arrow that says "You are here."
dr210715 -- My husband and son took our dog for a walk and I'm afraid they're lost! - I'm so worried! Can you help me? Yes, Ma'am! - Can you give me a description? - It's an orange dachshund with a blue collar!
dr210716 -- How will we ever find our way back?? - We need to find a badger trail... Badger??! - ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF!! You're not helping!
dr210717 -- ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF Quiet, Wally! I can't hear myself think! - There's nothing loder than a barking wiener dog!! ROWF ROWF ROWF There they are! I could hear Wally for miles!
dr210718 -- - ...Sigh... - - - - - What do you need? - I just wanted a root beer. - The things we have to do to keep you out of the kitchen trash!
dr210719 -- Z - * BOODLE-OOP! - HUMMMMMM - He's sleepwalking again! HUMMMM
dr210720 -- Oops! I dropped some crumbs! - Good job, little friend! HUMMMM - Ralph, sometimes I get the feeling you think the vacuum is alive. That's ridiculous! Isn't it, Scooter? HUMMM You NAMED it??
dr210721 -- munch munch! - Is it my imagination or has Scooter put on a little weight? HMMMMMMM It would stand to reason.
dr210722 -- scribble scribble - scribble scribble scribble - TA-DAHHH! - All done? No.
dr210723 -- TAKE THAT! - - - Water balloons are definitely more fun with water! Thare's a drought! Use your imagination!
dr210724 -- Ralph! What are you eating? We're having dinner in five minutes! - Open your mouth! - OK, I don't see anything. My mistake! - Thank goodness donuts have a hole in the middle!
dr210725 -- Outta my way! I'm late for work! - WHOA! Slow down! - Back off! - WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING! - beep beep! - Thank goodness I don't work from home. There's much less traffic on my commute!
dr210726 -- Kids, I'm happy to announce that I'm making a career change! I have found my dream job! - I'm going to be a PARK RANGER! I always assumed his dream job would involve donuts!
dr210727 -- That's right, kids! I'm officially a National Park Ranger! - How could you become a park ranger, dad? - I thought it required years of college courses! - Thank goodness for Zoom!
dr210728 -- A park ranger? What qualifications do you have to be a park ranger? - Are you kidding? I know that park like the back of my hand! - You got lost there two weeks ago! - They gave me my own map! I only found you because I heard you crying!
dr210729 -- But dad, in order to be a park ranger, you need to know a lot about wildlife! - Son, I've been a mall cop, an airport screener, and a pro wrestler! - Believe me, I'm a wildlife expert! He has a point!
dr210730 -- I became a park ranger to enjoy nature... - And get away from the hustle and bustle of city life! - I never thought I'd be directing traffic!
dr210731 -- I can't wait to see dad on duty as a park ranger! - Today he's working at the entrance! - What the... I'm back from lunch! Thanks for filling in! WELCOME
dr210801 -- HMMMM Hello, Scooter! - HUMMM - HUMMM - It sure takes poor Scooter a long time to vacuum the house! HUMMMM - You know, you're right! - I had to open my mouth! HUMMM HUMMM HUMMMM
dr210802 -- Exit Thank you for visiting Polecat National Park! - Drive safely! - It's a jungle out there!
dr210803 -- Why do you kids stare at screens all day? - Why do you find it so interesting? - Why do you read that nonsense? - Mom puts the "why" in Wi-Fi!
dr210804 -- HOT GROUND! HOT! HOT! - GRASS! HURRY! - AHHHH! - FAKE GRASS! HOTTER!!
dr210805 -- Sorry, Wally. I don't have time to play ball. - How can you not have time? All you have to do is throw it! - Oh, all right! - But first you have to catch me! SIGH
dr210806 -- I think I'm getting cranky in my old age! Don't be silly, dear! - You were cranky in your younger days, too!
dr210807 -- Sorry, Wally... - I'm not feeding YOU! - I'm feeding the cat! - That works too!
dr210808 -- YOGURT - That'll be $7.50! You can swipe your card there. - If you'd like to include a tip, you can tap 18%, 20%, 25%, or more! - Why would I include a tip?? - I got my own yogurt! you didn't do anything! - You didn't even say hello when I
dr210808 -- came in! - Hello. OK, but only 25%!
dr210809 -- I'm offended, Ralph! - You didn't wish me a happy birthday! - Is today your birthday? - No, but YOU didn't know that!
dr210810 -- XMAS Decorations - Too early. But it'll be labor day before we know it!
dr210811 -- Here's your pizza: half cheese and the other half, the works! - I think we've finally found an area where we don't think alike! You can have one of my cheese slices because your mushrooms are touching it!
dr210812 -- BAP! - - CLOMP! - Now I know why tennis balls come in cans of three!
dr210813 -- I'm going to a self-reliance class tomorrow at 7:30! - Somebody help me to remember that!
dr210814 -- Wally, knock it off! ROWF! skattle skattle skattle - These are the dog days of summer, not the dog NIGHTS! skattle skattle skattle ROWF! THUMP THUMP CRASH!
dr210815 -- WALLY! - WALLY! - WALLY! SNARF SNARF SNARF - WALLY! POP! - WALLY! - WALLY! SNARF! - What's going around here?? skattle skattle skattle It's called the Dog Days of Summer!
dr210816 -- DING DONG! * - Beef jerky, minidonuts, barbecue potato chips... - A grape slush, sunflower seeds, and a chocolate pop tart! Thanks. - Dad's the only guy who gets doordashes from the truck stop.
dr210817 -- Mom, dad... - I have some news to share. - News that you may find shocking. - So maybe I'd better sit down!
dr210818 -- I want to quit college. WHAT? WHY?? - I'm not learning much. I'm just getting more confused! - What will you do instead? Do you have a plan? Of course! - For starters, I'm going to join a softball league!
dr210819 -- Norman, why would you want to drop out of college?? - You've been there for so long! - And do I seem any smarter? - Well... He's got a point there!
dr210820 -- Ralph, go talk Norman out of quitting college! - Norm, we don't want you to quit college! - But think of all the money you'd save on tuition, dad! - Well? Sorry, honeybunch. I gave it my best shot!
dr210821 -- I'm taking a break from college. I need to see what the world has to offer! - Maybe I'll succeed at something, and maybe one success will lead to another! - If I'm wrong, I can always go back next semester! - What do you think? I think you're
dr210821 -- smarter already! And his shoelaces are tied!
dr210822 -- SIT WITH ME, WALLY! - Hey! Why did you choose HER? - Who's the one who feeds you? Me! - Who*'s the one who takes you for walks? Me. - Who's the one who takes you to the vet? Me. -
dr210823 -- Time for a snack! - Yes! - - Who decided that potato chips and tennis balls should come in the same type of can?
dr210824 -- It's eerily quiet in the park today. - There's not a soul around! - Hello!
dr210825 -- I said hello! - Did you just speak to me? - Maybe. - Park rangers spend so much time alone in the wilderness, they sometimes think they hear animals talk!
dr210826 -- My name is Murray! Murray the Moose? - Do you enjoy working here at the park? It gets more interesting every day!
dr210827 -- How do you like living in a national park, Murray? - It's a lot of work. I'm on my feet all day posing for... - SNAP! - Pictures. Very professional!
dr210828 -- Do any other animals around here talk? - The chipmunks, but don't get 'em started! Anybody got any snacks? Huh? Do ya?
dr210829 -- Halloween candy? - IT'S AUGUST!! - Why are they selling Halloween candy already?? It's two months away! - It's ridiculous! Every year they start selling candy earlier and earlier! - Well, I absolutely refuse to buy Halloween candy in August!
dr210829 -- Ooooh! Christmas wrapping paper! NOEL HO HO HO
dr210830 -- I need to find a job. I'll start at the bottom and work my way up! - So, where could I work my way up the ladder? - That's it! A hardware store!
dr210831 -- Guess what! I got a job at the hardware store! - "Ask me"?? Norm, you don't know anything about hardware! - That's the beauty of it, dad! - By the end of the week, I'll be an expert! If he lasts that long!
dr210901 -- Where would I find nails? - Oh, you'd find them in wood fences, and at construction sites. - - I'll ask someone else. In skateboard ramps, too!
dr210902 -- How do you like working at the hardware store, Norm? It's a challenge. - Tomorrow I have to assemble ten barbecues! - Do you want me to come help you? Absolutely not, dad! I'd NEVER ask you for help! - Mom, will you come help me tomorrow?
dr210903 -- How are the barbecues coming along, Drabble? - The assembly instructions are hard to follow because they're in another language! - The English instructions are on the back! Now you tell me!
dr210904 -- Go get the crumbs, Scooter! Go get 'em! - Ralph, it's silly to talk to electronic gadgets as if they're people! - Isn't that right, Alexis! You say it!
dr210905 -- MORE! WALLY's Guide to BASEBALL Terms. - Bad Hop OOF! - Plate Appearance You can have the scraps, Wally! - Comebacker Dang! Missed again! - Foul Pole sniff sniff sniff - Dead Ball - Exit Velocity Why did you tell him he's going to the vet? -
dr210905 -- Fan Appreciation Day
dr210906 -- Whoops! - I guess you were right, Dad. - You can't barbecue spaghetti! Some people are determined to learn things the hard way!
dr210907 -- Ever wonder what your dog does when you're not home? - We sit and stare at the door, waiting for you to come home! - - A watched door never opens!
dr210908 -- Who will feed me? Are they ever coming back? Who'll feed me? Did they move and forget to take me with them? Who will feed me? - A lot of things run through you dog's mind when you're gone!
dr210909 -- I'll sit here and stare at the door until someone comes home. - I HATE being alone! - In case you're wondering, when the people are gone, the cat's in charge! - I hate being alone with the cat even more.
dr210910 -- - - - It's hard to yawn with a tennis ball in your mouth!
dr210911 -- ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF!! - WALLY; GO TO SLEEP! THERE ARE NO BADGERS OUTSIDE! - Isn't it nice to know that someone is protecting us while we sleep? - Who's sleeping? Certainly not the badgers!
dr210912 -- HUMMMMMMM - Oh no! - Scooter ran away from home! - Vacuums don't run away! Whatever! - How will we ever find him? - Follow his tracks! Tracks?? - Thank goodness the leaves are falling!
dr210913 -- Dad, I just read that a man your age should drink at least 64 ounces of water per day! O do! - You do?? If you count the water in my root beer!
dr210914 -- And now for the whipped ice cream! shake shake - SHOOOP! - I like it when dad makes dinner! SHOOP! Wait 'til you see the dessert!
dr210915 -- Hey, Ralph! Hello, Steinbauer. - What are you doing tonight? - I'll tell you what I'm doing after you tell me why you're asking. - I need help moving a big... I'M SICK IN BED!
dr210916 -- Welcome to Polecat National Park! Enjoy your day, and no photos please! - NO PHOTOS?? Just kidding!
dr210917 -- Where would I find door mats? I have no idea. - Ask me something else! - How did you get hired? I filled out an application. - This job is so easy!
dr210918 -- POP! - BLAM! - KABLOOIE! - Summer's over!
dr210919 -- I must say, Ralph... - You look pretty good for a man of sixty! - I'm forty-seven! Yeah, I know. You look even better for a man of seventy-five!
dr210920 -- WALLY It's Saturday!! - It's Saturday! It's Saturday! - It's Saturday! - Actually, it's Monday. When you're a dog, every day is Saturday!
dr210921 -- STOMP STOMP SLAM! - BANG! STOMP! THUMP! - Something wrong, honeybu...oh. * la la * BANG! - It's always hard to tell if she's mad or just wearing ear buds!
dr210922 -- Hey, Alexis! - Aw, just a ding-dang minute... - OK, speak up, sonny! The meter's running! - I think our Alexis is old! Ask me something about the 1980s!
dr210923 -- Motion-sensor outdoor security lights are on sale. - We should get one! - ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF!! - Why? Good point.
dr210924 -- Hey, Alexis! What's the weather like right now? - Muffle muffle muffle muffle ? - We can't be too careful! muffle muffle
dr210925 -- The grocery store had candy corn on sale, honeybunch! Three bags for five bucks! - How come one of these bags is empty? WHAT?! I'm gonna march right back to that store and tell them! Better get the orange out of your teeth first!
dr210926 -- DON'T! - Donuts DON'T DON'T DON'T! - DON'T DON'T DON'T DON'T DON'T DON'T - Don't? DON'T! - I couldn't resist! The only thing that turns a "DON'T" into a "DONUT" is "U"!
dr210927 -- - - - That escalated quickly!
dr210928 -- - - How's your autumn going?
dr210929 -- PIZZA I miss college, Echo, but I thought it was time for me to join the workforce! - I've already learned so many things! - Like, when you punch a time clock, you don't actually punch it!
dr210930 -- This table is wobbly! - Now that I work in a hardware store, I know how to fix things! - I'll fix that wobble in no time! - Voila!
dr211001 -- I love candy corn! It's on sale! Three bags for $5! - Really? Or five bags for $7! - REALLY?? Or eight bags for $10! - REALLY? I'll go get you another cart!
dr211002 -- Here's your order, sir! - I'll be back with your order, ma'am! - Go ahead and start eating, Ralph. Don't wait for... - Huh? Never mind.
dr211103 -- Time to get on the scale. - - WHOOOFFPP! - - PHEEEWW! - It doesn't help to suck in your stomach when you weigh yourself! I was just trying to see the numbers!
dr211104 -- Ding! A tweet from Wendy! - Norman, please unfollow me. - tap tap tap Why? - Because you're getting on my nerves!
dr211105 -- October! - When the leaves turn colors. - And my thoughts... - Turn to candy corn!
dr211106 -- More candy for the trick-or-treaters, Ralph? - Didn't you just buy Halloween candy last week? - Yes, but I underestimated. - ...how much of it I would eat myself.
dr211007 -- Steinbauer, I know we've never seen eye to eye... - How would you like to come over and watch the baseball game with me? - Sure, Ralph! I'm excited about the game today! Me too! - My team is gonna OBLITERATE your team! Wait, what?
dr211008 -- How can you bear to watch your team lose like this, Ralph? - HAHA! You guys STINK! - I TOLD you your bullpen would blow it! HA HA HA HA!! - Say, you got any more of this guacamo... NO!
dr211009 -- - - PLEASE CLOSE THE DOOR NEXT TIME!
dr211010 -- Z - HEY, WALLY! WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN THE CAR? - I'll take that as a yes! Wally goes from zero to sixty faster than our car!
dr211011 -- UGH! I never thought I'd say it... - I think I had too many doughnuts! - Dad finally put the "ugh" in doughnuts! Oh, yeah!
dr211012 -- How was your day at the hardware store, Norman? Not bad... - They asked me to work in the paint department! I figured. Make sure those lids are on tight before you put 'em in the shaker!
dr211013 -- I miss college. You know how I quite cause I thought I could succeed in the real world? - Yeah. Are you ready to go back? I can't. I just got a promotion! BFFPP!
dr211014 -- Did you just say you got a PROMOTION?? Yeah. - Mr. Stadler, the owner, said I remind him of himself. - He said I'm bound to succeed because I'm not afraid to make mistakes, and
dr211014 -- I'm always on time for work. - YIKES, I'M LATE! One-for-two isn't bad.
dr211015 -- My family all went to visit grandma! - I'm alone tonight! I can go anyplace I want for dinner! - Decisions, decisions... - I don't know whether to eat at the truck stop, the mini-mart, or the car wash!
dr211016 -- Dad! Is that your Halloween costume? No, I'm doing undercover work today at the National Park! - I'm going to catch people who violate the "Don't Feed the Bears" sign! What on earth could go wrong?
dr210117 -- That's a long putt you have to make, dad! - Yeah, and the green is a mess because od the wind! - There are lots of leaves and junk between the ball and the hole! - You were smart to bring the robotic vacuum! HUMMMMMMMMM
dr211018 -- KRINKLE KRINKLE - RIP! TEAR! KRINKLE - That's for the trick-or-treaters! It's the 21st century! You'd think they would have invented quiet candy bags by now!
dr211019 -- Go long, Wally! - - He's so literal.
dr211020 -- How was your day, honeybunch? Exhausting! - I never knew homeschooling the kids would be so challenging! - I always assumed you'd be a natural at it! Why?? - You've been homeschooling ME for years! Get your feet off the coffee table!
dr211021 -- - yawn! - - OK, maybe these old black-and-white monster movies aren't as scary as I thought they were! zzyzx
dr211022 -- PET HOSPITAL I'm worried about him, doc! He doesn't get around like he used to. He has no Energy. All he does is sleep! Please tell me he's gonna be OK! I wish I could, Mr. Drabble... - But I'm a veterinarian, not a vacuum repairman! He's
dr211022 -- like a member of the family!
dr211023 -- - - - Wiener dogs love a challenge.
dr211024 -- I love this time of year! - The falling leaves... - The pretty colors... - The candy corn... - The excitement in the air... - I just never understand why the pumpkins are always in such a bad mood! skattle skattle skattle
dr211025 -- DING! I just got a Facebook message. - Hello, Ralph! Thanks for your friend request! - I didn't send you a friend request! YOU sent ME a friend request! tappity tappity tap! - No, YOU sent ME a request! LIAR! I don't have high hopes for this
dr211025 -- friendship!
dr211026 -- - sniff sniff - ROWF ROWF ROWF! - You've been hallowienered!
dr211027 -- How do you like my Jack-O'-Lantern? - - I don't get it. - Charlie Brown's Halloween costume!
dr211028 -- DING DONG! - Hello, I'm here to pick up trick-or-treat candy for Surrey, Bennett, and Liv! - Thanks! - I miss the old-fashioned Halloweens before kids had DoorDash!
dr211029 -- Baylor, Mr. Drabble really likes Halloween candy! In fact, he probably ate it all himself! - Kids, instead of candy, how about if I swear you inas JUNIOR FOREST RANGERS?! Raise your right hand... Told ya!
dr211030 -- Mr. Drabble's house is this way, Rory! I feel so mean I'm so forlorn - Here it's Halloween And I ate all your candy corn. Trick or...oh, forget it!
dr211031 -- August 15 CANDY CORN YES! I can't believe they're already selling candy corn! - August 31 I LOVE candy corn! - September 15 More candy corn? Are you sure this is all for the trick-or-treaters? - September 30 I wish I could stop eating candy
dr211031 -- corn! - October 15 Ooohh! I'm getting sick of candy corn! - October 30 I never want to see candy corn again for as long as I live! - October 31 TRICK OR TREAT! CANDY CORN GAAH!
dr211101 -- Trick or treat! Halloween was yesterday. - You ate all the candy before we got here! What makes you think I'd have more candy now? - Because it all went on sale today! Sigh...
dr211102 -- Shakespeare wrote, "When great leaves fall, then Winter is at hand." - That's certainly true at my house!
dr211103 -- Times have changed. When I was a kid, I had to empty the pencil sharpener now and then. - Now that I'm middle-aged, I just have to blow my hair off the computer keyboard!
dr211104 -- - Hey, how's it going? - Excuse me. - I liked that Jack-o'-Lantern!
dr211105 -- WALLY - WALLY - WALLY - It's hard to fall asleep with a football in your mouth!
dr211106 -- WALLY It's morning! - I can't wait to go outside and bark at the falling leaves! - Darn! Now I know why they're called leaves! - Most of them have already left!
dr211107 -- - ? - - - Wally - Ice Cream - -  I can't remember what I came into the kitchen for! I'd go with "Feed the dog."
dr211108 -- Speak Wally! Why? - Roll over! Why? - Shake hands! Why? - Maybe I should bribe him with treats! People are so hard to train.
dr211109 -- Here you go, Penny! - Remember to say Thank You! - Thank you! You're welcome! - If I'm welcome, how come I still have to say thank you?
dr211110 -- - - I'm going on my break now. - I'm glad he watches over our property, but I wish he'd do it from someplace else!
dr211111 -- - - - Want one? Dachshunds go to great lengths to get attention!
dr211112 -- I got another promotion at work, dad! - That's great, son! - I have a dozen people working under me! - That's because I now work on the second floor!
dr211113 -- Why are you watching the football game with the sound off, dad? Because it's an undisputable fact... - The announcers ALWAYS want the other team to win! Every fanatical sports fan knows this!
dr211114 -- HIKE... - SMACK! - ...your pants up!
dr211115 -- We're home! Where have you been, Norman? - I took Wally for a ride in the car!
dr211116 -- We're home, honeybunch! Where have you been, Ralph? - I took Wally and Norman for a ride in the car!
dr211117 -- May I take your order please? You never get it right. Surprise me. - Here you go, a double cheeseburger, no tomato, onion rings, and a large root beer! - This is what I always order! - You got it right this time! Surprise!
dr211118 -- ...and here's yours, Oogie! - Look, Wally, this dish says OOGIE , and your dish says WALLY. - SNARF! - I thought it said DINNER and DESSERT!
dr211119 -- There's no Wi-Fi in this national park! - You're welcome.
dr211120 -- The car up ahead has a bumper sticker... - It says the driver is a member of a high I.Q. club. - Which car? - The one that's had its blinker on for ten minutes!
dr211121 -- MORE THINGS WALLY IS THANKFUL FOR  - Naps and Laps - Couch Cushion Cracks Sweet! A cheeto! - My considerate family always speaks up when they talk to me. WALLY! STOP THAT!! - Exciting Dreams wuf wuf... - They take me for walks even when they
dr211121 -- don't want to. - My dog ears! Someone dropped a potato chip next door! - Messy Eaters Oops! - Everyone I love most lives here in my house!
dr211122 -- THINGS YOUR CAT IS THANKFUL FOR - - - Well? I'm thinking! I'm thinking!
dr211123 -- Things your cat is thankful for... - Hmmm... - Let me answer instead! I have an answer! Oh please! Oh please! I'm thankful I'm not a dog!
dr211124 -- sniff sniff - I smell a turkey! - Oh.
dr211125 -- Pizza for Ralph! - Thanks for working on Thanksgiving. - I'm glad I could help! Never leave your dog alone with a turkey. Happy Thanksgiving!
dr211126 -- Time to enjoy some Thanksgiving leftovers! - The food is gone, but we still haven't watched "A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving"!
dr211127 -- DOGGONE IT!! - WHO PUT THE TOILET PAPER ROLL ON BACKWARDS!! I always wondered what would happen if someone did that!
dr211128 -- GASP! - WE ONLY WENT TO DINNER AND A MOVIE! Trust me, the best entertainment was here tonight!
dr211129 -- OK, everybody, help me put away THOSE decorations, and then we'll get out the CHRISTMAS decorations! OK, honeybunch! - Mom's the only person I know who decorates for Black Friday!
dr211130 -- I feel so good! - It's November 30th and I can honestly say my Christmas  shopping is done! - - Where are you going? The pet supplies store.
dr211201 -- Secret Santa Guess what, Wally! It's December 1st! - Only 24 more sleeps until Christmas! ...or in my case, 317!
dr211202 -- I did almost all of my Christmas shopping online. - I used to have to drive into town and go from store to store to pick out gifts. - Sometimes I miss those days. ding! - Especially when I get a notification that some of my items won't arrive
dr211202 -- until February!
dr211203 -- pick pick claw claw OOGIE! - Our new couch is not your scratching post! - I know that! - If it was, I wouldn't be scratching it!
dr211204 -- Have you started your Christmas shopping, Norman? Yes, Patrick, but it's not going well. - Ducks are hard to shop for! We can always use some beak balm!
dr211205 -- Let's go, everybody! We don't want to be late! - On your feet! Here we go! Now! - Oops, I forgot my purse! - OK, let's go! Get up! - Wait, where's my phone?? - OK! I'm serious! Let's go now! - Shouldn't we be getting up? Nah, that was only
dr211205 -- the third warning! Hang on...
dr211206 -- - Yes! - I'm ten pounds lighter than I was in October! - Every fall, I turn back my clock and my scale!
dr211207 -- - BAP! - BOP! - Stop looking at me, you rude ornament!
dr211208 -- - Whoah! My foot's asleep! - Hopefully my restless leg will wake it up! People have lots of weird problems!
dr211209 -- I just fed you for dinner. Don't look at me with those big sad eyes! - They'd be a lot less sad if you fed me dinner again!
dr211210 -- WALLY! COME BACK HERE WITH THAT POPCORN STRING! - IT IS NOT A TOY! I know! I was thinking of it as a dessert!
dr211211 -- I appreciate it when people decorate for holidays! - It makes the world more cheerful and fun! - That's what I try to tell you every Taco Tuesday! It is possible to get a little carried away.
dr211212 -- Hey! That's not where I hung the gingerbread ornament! - And this isn't where I put the candy cane! - I could've sworn I put this ugly ornament in the back of the tree! - All the ornaments are in different places! - After you went to bed last
dr211212 -- night, one of Santa's elves must have come and redecorated our tree! - Is that even a THING?? Yes, you've just never noticed it before!
dr211213 -- Here's your stocking, Wally! YES! - THANK YOU! SNARF! - skattle skattle skattle - You're supposed to leave it up for Santa to fill with gifts! There's MORE??
dr121214 -- Your car is ready, Mr. Drabble. Auto Mechanic - It was way overdue! I know I know... - Daylight saving time ended a month ago! I would've turned back the car clock myself, but I don't have an engineering degree!
dr211215 -- MALL ...and on Halloween, I took a piece of my brother's candy, and then last month I fouled someone in a soccer game... - So, no...I haven't been a good girl all year! Penny is so honest! She'd never make it in politics!
dr211216 -- Dad, what's the origin of the word NOEL? - What does it mean and why is it associated with Christmas? - Because "Merry Christmas" has no *L* in it! - That has nothing to do with anything!
dr211217 -- I'm going down to the basement, honeybunch! - - I think you're giving that tree too much water!
dr211218 -- Let's hang up our Christmas stockings! - We're gonna need a bigger fireplace! I have four feet, you know! W A LL Y
dr211219 -- ROWF ROWF ROWF! - What's wrong, Wally? Are there badgers out there? grrrr! - Hey! Christmas treats! - You'd be surprised how even those we didn't think liked us can get caught up in the spirit and show kindness and love! - Looks like someone
dr211219 -- left us a plate of... - Dog biscuits?? - "To Wally, merry Christmas from the badgers". I always knew they weren't all bad!
dr211220 -- I'm back from my errand, mom! - - - 'tis the season to be sneaky!
dr211221 -- DING DONG! - - DING DONG! ...Sigh... - At least Santa brings everything all at once!
dr211222 -- WALLY OOGIE - - - W A L L Y Better!
dr211223 -- The tree is trimmed, we've watched all our favorite Christmas movies... - The shopping is done, the gifts are wrapped... - I delivered treats to our neighbors and friends, and they delivered treats to us. - Am I forgetting anything? "It's a
dr211223 -- wonderful life." You can say that again.
dr211224 -- - I discovered dachshunds are faster than reindeer! WALLY
dr211225 -- MORE BADGERS!! ROWF! rowf rowf rowf! BARK! yap yap BARK BARK! - ROWF ROWF!! Maybe next year I'll switch back to reindeer! grrrr WALLY
dr211226 -- 'twas the day after Christmas, and all Through the Town... - The kids were so happy that Santa came 'round! - The wreath on the door is still where we displayed it... - But inside, our Christmas tree just barely made it! - The kids loved their
dr211226 -- toys, a fact Santa knows... - And Wally happily chews up old ribbons and bows! - Old Saint Nick is gone, but he'll come here once more... - We just found his smartphone right here on the floor! *
dr211227 -- Norman, I have one thing to say,,, . I like you TRES BEAUCOUP! - Thanks. That means a lot! - Ha! You're so funny! I am?
dr211228 -- What's up, honeybunch? I'm making a list of new year's resolutions! - Good for you! Congratulations for trying to improve yourself! These are for you.
dr211229 -- - - Don't let the door hit you on the way out 2021 I remember when people used to be sad when the year ended.
dr211230 -- 172,958...172,957...172,956... - 172,955... Most people don't start their New Year's countdown until they're at *10*! He's really excited!
dr211231 -- Norman, are you planning to take out anyone on New Year's Eve? Nope. - I have no one to take out. I have a suggestion. -
dr220101 -- When we watch football every New Year's day, she always puts the bowl of good chips closer to her! - - Talk about bowl games!
dr220102 -- Don't look at me with those big sad eyes! - I'm not going to feed you again! You're not getting any more! - Why are you so excited? - Didn't you understand what I just said? - I think so, but maybe you should repeat it! - I said!... - Blah
dr220102 -- blah blah...feed you again...blah blah blah... I understood perfectly!
dr220103 -- munch munch - munch munch munch - MUNCH MUNCH - When munching popcorn in a movie theater, look out for the unexpected quiet scenes!
dr220104 -- Dad, your wipers are on and it's not raining anymore. - Oh, thanks! Hee hee! - Sometimes I worry that I'm not the best driver anymore. - I won't mention that his blinker is on, too.
dr220105 -- Unfollow Unfollow Unfollow - I decided to stop following people who are more lost than I am!
dr220106 -- I know it's raining outside, Wally... - But I have to take you for a walk! - - On second thought, take yourself for a walk!
dr220107 -- Yes!! I've lost five pounds! - That's reason to celebrate! - SHAKES * MALTS * SUNDAES Now why did I do that?
dr220108 -- I love hot cocoa on a cold day! - Whipped cream...chocolate chips... - Sprinklers, nuts, cherry... - Dang, I forgot the cocoa!
dr220109 -- Norman, if I fell, would you catch me? - Sure, Echo, but why would you do that? - It's called a "trust fall". I'd be trusting you to catch me! - OK! Ready? - You did it! I KNEW I could trust you! - OK, turn around! It's your turn! - OK, here
dr220109 -- I go! - SPLAFF!
dr220110 -- Welcome 2022 It seems to take longer and longer to clean up after Christmas! Don't worry, dad. - I'm sure we'll get rid of the rest of the cardboard boxes by spring.
dr220111 -- - - THIS STRAW DOESN'T WORK!! - Straws don't work well with peanut butter!
dr220112 -- Welcome 2022 - - - Welcome 2023 It's only January. You have to give it a chance!
dr220113 -- WHIRRRRRRR - RRRRRRRRRR - RRRRRRRRRR - RRRR This way, I can get the crumbs before he does!
dr220114 -- I'm home. Boy, what a day! - Is everyone out of their mind or is it just me?! - It's probably just you. - That's comforting, I guess.
dr220115 -- Hmm... - I wonder if leftovers would taste good. - Don't ask me. - I've never had any leftovers! Wally
dr220116 -- - - - - - - - Is it my imagination, or is there a dog in every room of the house?
dr220117 -- scroll...scroll - * - YES! - I always click "like" on posts with 99 likes because I want to be number 100!
dr220118 -- The holidays are over... - I can finally watch up some TV shows I recorded! - I'm not sure which is worse: That you recorded the Christmas Day Yule Log, or that you're watching it in January!
dr220119 -- Ralph, go check my phone and see if I have any messages. - Dang, I don't know her passcode. - ...Sigh... - I hate having to use facial recognition!
dr220120 -- Din-Din? WALLY - Num-Nums? - Bow-Wow! - She speaks my language!
dr220121 -- - - - I hate it when I use facial recognition to open my smartphone and it laughs at me! Yikes! Har har!
dr220122 -- skattle skattle skattle - hop hop hop - Why on earth are running around the house? skattle skattle - It's snowing outside and I don't have a gym membership!
dr220123 -- ...Sigh... - Wally, the sliding glass is open! You can just come in! - There's no need to beg! - You can come in any time you want! The door isn't closed! - Just walk in! Don't make me pretend to open the door! - - OK, fine! - Boy, I thought
dr220123 -- *I* was dumb! I can't believe the things you'll do for me!
dr220124 -- Supermarket Hey, they changed the layout in here! - They put the ice cream way over there, and the donuts are now way over here! - I have to walk that way for pizza, and this way for candy! - Why would they do that?? Maybe they want you to
dr220124 -- get more exercise!
dr220125 -- Supermarket I spoke to the manager and said I didn't like the new layout. - I told him I don't like walking all over the store to get the things I want! - Is he going to change everything back to the way it was before? Even better! - Behold
dr220125 -- the Ralph Drabble Aisle! Ralph Drabble Aisle Pizza Ice Cream Junk Food
dr220126 -- People who tell you what you want to hear never take you where you want to go. - The early bird gets the best donuts. - I always consider other opinions. I consider them stupid. -You're welcome!
dr220127 -- - - - It's fun to catch snowflakes on your tongue!
dr220128 -- WALLY!! - WHY WOULD YOU EAT HALF OF OUR LASAGNA??! It was as far as I got before you caught me!
dr220129 -- Your supper dish is empty? Too bad. - It's not time to eat again. - I can't feed you all day long. - Perhaps I need a bigger dish!
dr220130 -- SHOT ON GOAL! - DEFLECTED! WHIRRRRRRRRRRRRRR Please don't play hockey with our robotic vacuum!
dr220131 -- Dinner More Dinner Even More! Dessert. - WALLY ZZYZX I don't think I've ever seen him wag his tail in his sleep! It must be quite a dream!
dr220201 -- WHIRRRRRRRR Oh no... - There's only one thing more annoying than that stupid robot vacuum going all over the place. - THAT! WHIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR beep beep!
dr220202 -- Legend has it that if the groundhog sees his shadow when he emerges from his burrow, we'll have six more weeks of winter. - Well? Why isn't he coming out? Maybe he watches the news.
dr220203 -- - Why did you move the refrigerator over there? - The doctor said I need to increase the number of steps I take each day!
dr220204 -- HEY, DON'T EAT THE CAT FOOD! - HEY, QUIT BARKING! arf arf arf!! - HEY, STOP THAT! - I must be in my HEY DAY!
dr220205 -- Honeybunch, if you were snoring  ever so lightly last night, would you want to tell me? It depends. - How long might I have been lightly snoring? I don't know. - I finally went out and slept in the car!
dr220206 -- I have to tell you this, Dad, but the Super Bowl is NEXT sunday! - Then how come the Super Bowl pre-game show is on TV?? - Well, it does seem to get longer every day!
dr220207 -- Smile, Wally! - Hold still! - Say cheese! - The PUP-arazzi is so annoying!
dr220208 -- Is it time to go? - Go where? - I asked you one question, and you don't know two things about it! - I'm sure I don't know more things about it than that!
dr220209 -- Honeybunch, I know you like your fancy thermos... - But are you sure you want to carry it around all day? - It might get heavy! I'll be fine. -
dr220210 -- Hey, Ralph!.. - mumble mumble mumble - I can't hear you from upstairs! - What? I can't hear you from downstairs!
dr220211 -- Play - - I've been dreading this all my life. - There are only so many times you can watch "Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein." Stop
dr220212 -- Super Bowl LVI Halftime! I've got dibs on the bathroom! No, *I* do! Me first! HEY! - Hurry up in there! I know a tree...
dr220213 -- Ode to SUPER BOWL - It's Super Bowl Sunday, and no one's denying...by the end of the game, half the crowd will be crying. - Fans who ignored the regular season, are suddenly rabid for no particular reason. - We can't wait to sample all the
dr220213 -- chips and the dip. Just don't go overboard before the coin flip! - Mom gets kind of bored with the game, you know. She really only perks up for the halftime show! *LA LA LA* - Right now it is a mystery as to which team will rule. The only
dr220213 -- thing we always know is grandma wins the pool! HA! PAY UP! - Some of us really don't care who becomes the reigning champ. We just want pitchers and catchers to report to spring training camp!
dr220214 -- Happy Valentine's Day, Echo! - You brought me plastic flowers? - You're so thoughtful! - That means I can keep them forever! They're also drought resistant!
dr220215 -- This has been a nice Valentine's Day, Norman! - I can't believe how much we have in common. We like all the same things! - We think so much alike, we even finish each other's... - French fries? No, sentences!
dr220216 -- Where are you going, Norm? Wally and I are going to Echo's house! - I hope she likes dogs. - Echo and I like all the same things. besides, how could anyone not like Wally? - I hope she keeps her garbage can in a convenient place!
dr220217 -- You'll like Echo, Wally! We're a lot alike! - In fact, we're so much alike, nothing will ever come between us! knock knock - Hi, Echo! I'd like you to meet... - WALLY!!! ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF!
dr220218 -- WALLY! COME BACK HERE! rowf rowf rowf rowf! - He's chasing mittens! - Mittens?? Don't tell me you have a CAT!! - What would be worse? Actually, Mittens is our pet badger!
dr220219 -- Wally chased Mittens into a burrow! - Don't worry! I'll follow him and drag him out! Nothing can stop me! NOTHING! - If you crawl in there, you'll need a BATH afterwards! - OK, forget it! skattle skattle skattle
dr220220 -- Home at last! It's about time! - - Dibs on the bathroom! - Hey! Sorry! - - I'm in here. - Just a sec! rap rap rap - Can I borrow your bathroom, Steinbauer? Again?
dr220221 -- Why would anyone have a pet badger?? - Besides, badgers and dachshund are enemies! - Enemies?? Why?? - Badgers are cute and cuddly! I hate to say this, but she's weird!
dr220222 -- I have a dachshund and you have a badger! Our pets are natural enemies! - This is an impossible situation! I agree. I t will never work. - You have to choose, Norman. Either Wally goes or *I* go! - Poor girl!
dr220223 -- You're giving me an ultimatum Echo? Our pets are natural enemies. - Our lives together would be chaotic! Therefore, you have to choose between your dog and me! - Well, take care of yourself! Let's go, Norm! - Norm?
dr220224 -- I'm home. Did Echo like Wally? - Wally didn't get along with Echo's pet badger. Pet badger?? - She gave me an ultimatum: either Wally goes or SHE goes. - Hey, where's Wally?! It was a tough choice!
dr220225 -- You're #1 Echo said I had to choose between her and Wally... SO WHAT DID YOU DO WITH WALLY?? - Nothing. He's right there! Oh, thank goodness! Sorry, I had to stop and bark at something!
dr220226 -- I came to apologize. I never should have given you an ultimatum! - Although I have a pet badger and you have a pet dachshund, I'm sure we can... - ROWF! ROWF! ROWF! - MITTENS! I TOLD YOU TO STAY IN THE CAR!!
dr220227 -- It's dark in here! - click click click! - Dang! Honeybunch programmed it so I have to ask ALEXIS! - Hey, Alexis! Turn on the light! - Sigh! - You have to be more specific! I'll show you how easy it is!.. - Hey, Alexis! Turn on the green lamp
dr220227 -- that my aunt gave us for our tenth anniversary in the living room by the sofa! - blink! See how easy that was? I'd rather be in the dark.
dr220228 -- WALLY ZZYZX - WHIRRRRRRRRR - RRRRRRRRRRR - RRRRRRRRRRR I hate this thing!
dr220301 -- WHIRRRRRRRRRRR WALLY ZZYZX - RRRRRRRRRRRR BUMP! - RRRRRRRRRRR - I've heard of sleepwalking, but this is ridiculous! zzyzx
dr220302 -- You're practicing chip shots inside the house?? Aren't you worried you might break something? That's why I do it! It makes me focus! - CRASH! - Well, at least there's more room in here now that you broke that big vase! What on earth...
dr220303 -- skattle skattle skattle I love my doggie ramp! - - And my bed! WALLY
dr220304 -- Ahh...I love the aroma of breakfast in the morning! - Pancakes and bacons are my favorites! - It's turkey bacon and cauliflower pancakes! - Would you like eggs? NO!
dr220305 -- Hey, pooch! - Sweet doggie! - good boy! - I enjoy widespread pup-ularity!
dr220306 -- May I take your order? I'll have a cheeseburger. - And for you? What's your soup of the day? - Pumpkin squash. Is it more pumpkiny or more squashy? - It's hard to say. Was it made fresh today? - I'm nor sure. I'll go back and ask. I suppose I
dr220306 -- could just have the clam chowder. - The chef said it's made fresh daily. - Decisions, decisions. - I'll have the avocado chicken salad. - Good thing we got here before the line formed! Amazing how that always happens!
dr220307 -- Darn! Birds are building a nest over our front porch! Why would they build it under the eave? - Maybe they enjoy the warmth of the Christmas lights you still haven't taken down! It's only March, for heaven's sake.
dr220308 -- Some birds made a nest above our front porch! - Gee, I hope dad doesn't buy one of those fake owls to scare them away! He won't. - He's kind of a cheapskate! ! HOO!
dr220309 -- What are you doing, Ralph? HOO! - I'm pretending to be an owl to scare away the birds that built a nest over my front porch. - This situation reminds me of a certain Alfred Hitchcock movie. - I know. "The Birds." No. "Psycho."
dr220310 -- Ralph, you've been fined by the Home-Owners Association! - What for? Harboring wildlife at your home! chirp chirp - But if you'll hose down that nest, I'll tear up the fine! - "Squirting an elected official." Your fine's doubled! Worth it!
dr220311 -- Why did you birds choose MY house?? - Of all the places you could have built your nest! - peep peep peep peep peep peep peep peep peep peep peep peep peep peep peep peep peep - I'M AN UNCLE!!
dr220312 -- I'm kind of happy that the birds built a nest under our eave! - After all, our house is a nice place to raise a family! - No matter where they fly, out house will always be their home! - You're probably going to cry when they leave! LEAVE??
dr220313 -- Bye, honeybunch! - I'm going to the gym! - I admire your dedication, Ralph! - I need to work off today's donuts! - You ate donuts?? - Not yet, but there's a shop right next to the gym!
dr220314 -- Do you like your dinner? - How do you expect me to know yet? - I've only taken one bite! - Yes, but you have a big mouth!
dr220315 -- Wow! That's amazing! Look at that sign! - I haven't seen gas prices that low in a long time! - They're not gas prices. They're the number of parking spaces available! Dang.
dr220316 -- How could I have DONE that?? - I'm so ashamed! - Don't be so hard on yourself, dad. - He discovered he could find all the crossword answers on the Internet!
dr220317 -- yawn - yawn - Yawns are contagious! - And you're a superspreader.
dr220318 -- According to my step counter, I walked 9.999 steps today. - I missed my goal by one! - Maybe I should get out of bed and take one more step! - Or I could just take one extra step tomorrow!
dr220319 -- Hey, is it time for dinner? - Wally, it's not even time for BREAKFAST yet! It never hurts to ask!
dr220320 -- I'd like to go out for burgers tonight, honeybunch! No you wouldn't. - I wouldn't? No. We'd miss a movie that I want to watch on TV! - I can record it! No you can't. - I can't? We don't have enough space left on our DVR. - We can go out
dr220320 -- tomorrow night! - I don't want to go out tomorrow night! Yes you do! - I do? It's "Kids Eat Free!" night! - Should I order the bacon burger or the party melt? I can't make your decisions for you, Ralph.
dr220321 -- Wal... - ...ly, it's... ZOOM - ...dinner... SNARF - ...time! Let me know when it's dessert time!
dr220322 -- Wake up! It's time to eat! Z - It's still dark outside! - Who wants to eat in the middle of the night?? - Smart dog!
dr220323 -- I'm never sure if people are just looking at their phones, or taking a video of me! - He's probably just looking at his phone. - But to be on the safe side, you might want to tuck in your shirt!
dr220324 -- * - The "thumbs-up" emoji might not have been the appropriate reaction to that post, Ralph. - Someone's cat ran away. Maybe use the "sad face" emoji instead. - Maybe I'm not a cat person. scratch! claw!
dr220325 -- - - A cat can jump through a wall of bubbles and not break one! - Dogs, on the other hand...
dr220326 -- Ralph, check out the weather forecast on your phone for me! - scroll scroll scroll scroll - scroll scroll scroll scroll - One Hour Later Did you check the weather? Oh yeah, huh!
dr220327 -- What a day at work! I'm exhausted! - I need to sit down and relax! - - - - - ZZYZX WALLY
dr220328 -- Thank you for coming over, Ralph. Sure, grandma! What's the problem? - My TV reception is poor. I guess I just don't understand modern technology! - I've adjusted these rabbit ears every which way!
dr220329 -- Pharmacy Wouldn't it be more convenient if they put the drive-thru window on the OTHER side? - You just drove in the wrong way! Maybe I shouldn't refill these meds!
dr220330 -- - How's your sore back, Ralph? No improvement.
dr220331 -- ? ? - Where is it?? - ...Sigh...Why is it always so far away?? - I guess that's why it's called a "remote."
dr220401 -- My back is killing me! * * * - I hate to ask you this, Norm, but can you put my shoes on for me? - Of course, dad! Never hesitate to ask for my help. - They're a little loose in the toe.
dr220402 -- My back is killing me! Poor Wally... - He needs some help! - I'm so glad we bought him that doggie ramp! * * +
dr220403 -- - - - - text text texty text! Oops! Excuse me! - texty text text text! - - The sidewalk needs an express lane for people who AREN'T looking at their phones!
dr220404 -- How's your sore back, Ralph? - I'll stand up and see. - WOAH! WOAH! AAAAUUGGHH HOO! HOO! - That's bad, huh? No, the ice pack fell down my pants leg!
dr220405 -- I * SPRING Anything you need at the store, honeybunch? - Well, as a matter of fact, I do need a few things. Here's a list. - He's suddenly so considerate! What's gotten into him? - EASTER CANDY
dr220406 -- Can we dye Easter eggs, dad? No! Easter is still over a week away! - You kids need to learn to be patient!
dr220407 -- - Oh, wow! Look at this! - Pat Sajak taped last night's show in spite of a nasty cold! - You know you're getting older when your news feed is mostly about "Wheel of Fortune."
dr220408 -- Flitter Flutter - zzzz - SWOOP! - BZZZZZZ
dr220409 -- People don't seem to get along very well. - They could learn a lot from dogs. We get along with everybody! - GRRRRR! - Within reason!
dr220410 -- OK! Look alive! - WAP! - - GET IN FRONT OF THE BALL! - IT'S NOT GOING TO HURT YOU! DON'T BE AFRAID OF IT! - I'LL HIT YOU ANOTHER! - Hand me a ball, Norm. - GAAAAHHH!!
dr220411 -- Here's your jumbo chocolate peanut butter shake! - Would you like your receipt? - No, thanks. - I don't want any evidence of this!
dr220412 -- - - Never stand behind a happy dog!
dr220413 -- Well? Aren't you going to move? - Fine, I'll sit on the other side! - Your dog will never unfriend you, but he might block you now and then!
dr220414 -- Tap it in, dad! - tap! - KER-PLUNK! - I like the winter because it snows and you can't play golf!
dr220415 -- I want my easter egg to be purple! - I want a blue one! Mine will be half pink and half yellow! - What kind of Easter egg do you want, dad? Chocolate with nuts!
dr220416 -- Through the window? - The doggie door? - Down the chimney? - I don't know how the Easter bunny plans on getting in, but I'll be ready for him!
dr220417 -- ZZYZX - Z*Z - I'm thirsty! - - GRRRRR! - - WALLY!! NO!!!
dr220418 -- Hey! Where's my chocolate Easter egg?? - I was saving that for last! - Oh, that was YOUR Easter basket? I thought it was mine! - See? It fits!
dr220419 -- Hmmm... - Aha! - When your Easter candy is gone, you can always find more in the couch cushions! - Even the neighbor's couch cushions! Thanks for coming over!
dr220420 -- Let's buy some fudge cookies! No, don't. - I know what will happen... - I'll sneak downstairs in the middle of the night and eat them all, and you'll get mad at me! - Fine. Sheesh! Some people are irritated by those of us with foresight.
dr220421 -- Bee-ware! I'm coming up bee-hind you! - It bee-hooves you to bee-have. I'm a bee, you see, and you're just a... - ** THWACK! - Why'd you do that? * * Just bee-cause!
dr220422 -- We're having a taste test! - Kitchen tap water, bathroom tap, water hose! Dad's amazing!
dr220423 -- Hmmm... - The Saturday crossword puzzle is always the hardest. - But I always finish them... - One way or another!
dr220424 -- NO! NO! Ralph, wake up! You're having a nightmare! - Huh? Oh...sorry. What was it about! - I'll tell you in the morning. Were there monsters in it? Was someone trying to kill you? - I don't want to re-create it, I just want to go back to
dr220424 -- sleep! - Was it about the time you got lost in the woods? - SIGH Just tell me! - Some guy was letting his dog sniff around on our lawn. That's it?? That was your nightmare?? - All that fuss over THAT?? Boy, you have boring nightmares! Good
dr220424 -- night! - I'll see if there's anything more interesting on TV at three in the morning!
dr220425 -- You're cute! - I love your happy smile! Thank you! - And I love your little sweater, too! Her sunglasses threw me!
dr220426 -- ROWF ROWF ROWF!! - ROWF ROWF ROWF! - I'll get it! - I accomplish more in ten minutes than most badgers do all day!
dr220427 -- Hi, dad! Hey. - Let's go to the movies tomorrow night. OK. - Wanna play catch, dad? Maybe later. - What we have here is an invasion of my lack of privacy.
dr220428 -- I heard a joke... - Knock knock! Who's there... - ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF! Besides Wally?
dr220429 -- PHARMACY I don't mind when register tapes are as long as a roll of bathroom tissue... - I just wish bathroom tissue now wasn't the size of register tape!
dr220430 -- I think Wally is hyperactive! skattle skattle skattle   skattle skattle skattle skattle  skattle skattle - Better than being hyper-INactive! Z
dr220501 -- WALLY Dinnertime, Wally! - Why do you get so excited for food? - We feed you twice a day! - And it's usually the same thing! - And it takes you about two seconds to eat it! Why do you... - HEY, DON'T RUN BETWEEN MY FEET! - WHOA! - I probably
dr220501 -- had that coming.
dr220502 -- - * BONK! * - * * * I guess sometimes the apple DOES fall far from the tree!
dr220503 -- The doctor will see you now, Mr. Drabble. - Sorry about the wait. - Thanks for your patience. - I finally figured out why we're called "patients."
dr220504 -- The doctor would like to see you again a month from today. - What time would you like to come in? I don't care. - Schedule me for any time, and I'll come in a hour later. - Then I'll only have to wait for 15 minutes!
dr220505 -- What are you doing out here? - I want to watch the sunrise. I've heard it's very pretty. - You've never seen a sunrise? Nope. - That explains why you're out here at 10 P.M..
dr220506 -- Norman, if you want to see the sunrise, you're facing the wrong direction. The sun comes up over there! - Why would it come up over there?? I saw it go down over HERE!
dr220507 -- One pocket comb. - One dollar. - Thank you. - Whom comes all the way to the DOLLAR STORE to buy one thing??
dr220508 -- Here you go...french toast, scrambled eggs, and bacon. - Perfect! Thanks, mom! - Is there anything else you need? Maybe a glass of orange juice! - Great. Thanks! - Oh, how about a flower in a vase?! - Thanks. I'm going back to my room now. -
dr220508 -- Breakfast in bed! Happy Mother's Day! At least this year he didn't leave a mess in the kitchen!
dr220509 -- Having a job makes me feel good about myself! - It's a great feeling to leave here at night knowing that I didn't mess up anything! - Of course, that's only happened once! DRABBLE!!!
dr220510 -- What brings you here, dad? - I just have a simple Do-it-yourself project. - Our toilet keeps running. - What would you recommend? Call a plumber.
dr220511 -- Our toilet needs a new flapper. Are you sure? - Trust me. I've done extensive research. - What size flapper do you need? - I'll be back in a few minutes.
dr220512 -- Did you get the toilet fixed, dad? - Almost. I just came back because I need to buy a couple more things. - What do you need? A wrench? A screwdriver? - Wading boots.
dr220513 -- Welcome back, dad! How's the Do-it-yourself project going? Did you get the toilet fixed? Not yet. - I just came in to use your bathroom!
dr220514 -- NOW what do you need, dad? - Don't tell me you're still trying to fix the toilet! Of course not! Give me some credit! - I came to buy a new one!
dr220515 -- Wally - Hey, Wal... - ...ly, it's... - dinner... - time! - skattle skattle skattle skattle CHOMP! skattle skattle skattle skattle! - Faster than the speed of sound!
dr220516 -- veep veep! - I'm getting a call! - It's somebody named "Spam Risk." - He's nice. Go ahead and answer it! OK!
dr220517 -- Norm! We got baseball tickets for tomorrow's game! That's great, dad! - It starts at noon, and we don't want to be late! - So, when should we leave? Well, we live 45 miles from the stadium...traffic will be brutal... - We should probably
dr220517 -- leave right now!
dr220518 -- Being at the ballpark was different when I was a kid. - I know, I know...everything was better at the ballpark when you were a kid! - How much for a bag of peanuts? $25. - OK, what were you saying?
dr220519 -- Our pitcher is throwing a perfect game! No batter has reached first base! - I hope the manager doesn't pull him out of the game! - Don't worry. Why would any manager remove a pitcher who's got a perfect game? - It's 2022. Oh, yeah, huh!
dr220520 -- We almost saw a perfect game, honeybunch! - Oh, no! What happened? - Don't tell me the manager pulled the pitcher to prevent a sore arm! - No, it's because we left in the 7th inning! Anything to beat traffic!
dr220521 -- Relax, Wally! - This isn't for you. - Remember, "Eat to live, don't live to eat"! - Another bowl of ice cream?? This is living!
dr220522 -- Sigh... - TOYS - - - - Mr, Drabble, the doctor will see you mow. Well, it's about time!
dr220523 -- WOOSH WOOSH - WOOSH - I'm blowing as fast as I can! It's gonna be Halloween in a minute!
dr220524 -- - - It's gotten so that she can recognize the sound of a delivery truck.
dr220525 -- * Oh, boy! - I love to get a text in public! - It makes me feel young and hip! - My prescription is ready!
dr220526 -- It seems like the price of everything has risen! - Things are more expensive than ever! - From now on, I'm doing all my shopping at the 999c store!
dr220527 -- There was a time when fathers were admired... - * * - - Now, we just get made fun of on the family group chat!
dr220528 -- I'm going to the gym. - You've been going pretty regularly! - I'm so proud of you! - I like their new vending machine!
dr220529 -- - - WHIFF! - WHIFF! - WHIFF WHIFF WHIFF - WHIFF WHIFF WHIFF WHIFF WHIFF  - - How many? 65. I KNEW they were putting fewer tissues in the box these days!
dr220530 -- GET OFF MY RAFT! - The ol' summer kick off!
dr220531 -- Mom, I have a fitness question... - Is it better to get a chocolate shake before of after I go to the gym? - - I'll ask dad!
dr220601 -- I'm about to take a bite of something! - So start thinking of all the questions you're going to ask me! - What's for dinner tomorrow? Can I watch TV? What would you like for your birthday? Have you seen my shinguards? ...Sigh...
dr220602 -- Good. - Better. Best!
dr220603 -- In the words of Dostoevsky... - "To love is to suffer." - You're familiar with Dostoevsky? Of course. - I read all of his tweets!
dr220604 -- 21%! YES! - 22%! - Another Saturday night at home, watching my phone charge.
dr220605 -- * Rating So, where should we go for dinner, Ralph? - We could go to that soup and salad place you enjoy for some strange reason. - Or we could go to that overrated sushi place you like so much. - Or that healthy food place with the poor
dr220605 -- service you and your book club friends love. - Or maybe your favorite seafood place, even though it's hit-or-miss! - Or we could go to that great burger joint I think is fantastic! - Don't say I never offer to go to places YOU like!
dr220606 -- Ralph! You shouldn't let Penny play with your phone'! - Don't worry. She's just showing me how to download an app!
dr220607 -- I wish I could make everyone smile, burn up a million calories a day... - And always fall asleep in two seconds.  Not everyone can be a wiener dog! WALLY
dr220608 -- Look at this! I missed a call from Warren Buffett! - It's from WARREN'S BUFFET! Oh, yeah, I left my sunglasses there!
dr220609 -- Honeybunch, I have an idea! - Let's sit on the couch... - Turn on a good movie... - And stare at our phones all night!
dr220610 -- Bye, honeybunch! - Don't get into that big bag of chocolate chips in the pantry? - I counted them and I know exactly how many are in there! - I'm sure she was bluffing. Maybe.
dr220611 -- Remember, Ralph, when you listen to music on earphones, don't turn the sound up loud. - Your hearing can be impacted! - Extended exposure to loud sounds can be harmful! - WERE YOU TALKING TO ME?
dr220612 -- Let's go for a walk, Wally! - Never put on Wally's leash inside the house! ! Why not? - I SMELL A BADGER! - - - False alarm! Just trust me!
dr220613 -- Ralph! You shouldn't let Penny play with your phone! - Don't worry. She's just showing me how to download an app!
dr220614 -- I'm on my way to my doctor's office. - By the way, you look...I mean, you're really...I mean... - Oh, forget it! - There is no good way to tell your wife she looks pretty in a mask!
dr220615 -- * * * - * * * - Don't you want to put your arm around me? I sure do! - 
dr220616 -- OK, dad...try to attack me! - shake shake - ACHOO! - If you don't have pepper spray, use a shaker!
dr220617 -- WALLY He's home! - WALLY, NO!! - One of these days, I might not catch you! Yeah, right!
dr220618 -- - ROWF * - - Wow! Second floor!
dr220619 -- ...Sigh.. - HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!! - We made you breakfast in bed! - Sorry we're a little late. - "A LITTLE late"? It's almost noon! - Why did it take so long to make cold cereal? - We had to go to the store to buy milk! And on the way home, we
dr220619 -- stopped for pancakes!
dr220620 -- Echo! ** - How have you been, Norman? Fine, thanks! - Do you still have that...you know what? - My pet badger? ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF!
dr220621 -- It's the badger lady! - I'm surprised you didn't get rid of your badger, Echo. They don't get along with dachshunds! - Don't worry. I did something even better! grrr... - I sent him to obedience school! I bet he cheated on the exams!
dr220622 -- Your sent your pet badger to obedience school? - He graduated with honors. Now he's kind and gentle! - He gets along with everyone! - Want to see him? NO!
dr220623 -- Here, mittens! - Show them how sweet you are after graduating obedience school! - Don't laugh or I'll rip your face off! - Such a good boy! Have a treat!
dr220624 -- Good boy! Here's a treat, Mittens! - He's kind and gentle as long as I give him treats. - Otherwise, he reverts to his old self! - I have to give him a treat every 30 seconds! 26...27...28...
dr220625 -- Feed me now or else! Here you go! - SNARF! - That's it! No more Mr. Nice Guy! Worth it! skattle skattle skattle
dr220626 -- Uh-oh! Ralph and Mr. Steinbauer are arguing again! - YOU are! No, YOU are! - skattle skattle skattle skattle! - AND ANOTHER THING... - - - The world needs more wiener dogs!
dr220627 -- ROWF! ROWF! ROWF! ROWF! - ROWF rowf... rowf - rowf. - It's embarrassing when I forget what I'm barking about!
dr220628 -- OK, 10...9...8...7... - He'll never find us here! - ? ? - ZZYZX! Never play Hide-and-Seek with a middle-aged man.
dr220629 -- Great shot, dad! You hit it right down the middle! - Which club do you want to use next? - I have no idea. - I'm not used to hitting balls from the fairway!
dr220630 -- Relax, Wally. - It's not time for your dinner yet. - You still have a good half-hour! - Something tells me it won't be that good!
dr220701 -- ROWF ROWF ROWF! - ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF! - RROOOWFF! I've never seen a dog bark and yawn at the same time! Wally multitasks!
dr220702 -- Wally, slow down! skattle skattle skattle skattle Chill out! - Relax! - You're talking to a dachshund!
dr220703 -- I'm ready to go! Me, too! Where's mom? - Beats me! She said we were leaving in five minutes! And that was ten minutes ago! - ...Sigh... * - I'm going to the bathroom. Me, too. - I'll get my doll! I'll make sure the back door is locked. - Why
dr220703 -- are they never ready on time??
dr220704 -- HAPPY 4TH There, there...I know you don't like loud noises, but come out from under the couch! - Not until he stops barking! ROWF ROWF ROWF!
dr220705 -- YIKES! - Help me with this!!
dr220706 -- DANG! - That drive would've been perfect if it's not for the earth's rotation! I thought I'd heard every excuse!
dr220707 -- Kids, I never aspired to be wealthy and famous. - So far, so good!
dr220708 -- Share the pool noodle, Patrick! I will! - Here you go!
dr220709 -- This is an exciting time of year! - Yeah, the weather is warm, and baseball season is in full swing! And Bulk Club starts selling Halloween candy next month!
dr220710 -- Thanks for the pizza, Norman! Allow me to help you with, your jacket, Echo! - Thank you! Put your right arm in first. Wait, what? OK. - Now I can't find my other sleeve! Oops! Put your left arm in here! Like this? No, like this... - Well,
dr220710 -- this should be a fun walk home! ?
dr220711 -- Whew! What a day at work! - - After a hard day, it's nice to come home to a sympathetic dog! Is there anyone you'd like me to bite?
dr220712 -- - YEESH! - The past six months have not been kind to me. - The first 47 years weren't a walk in the park, either!
dr220713 -- I don't get it... - Tom Cruise is older than I am... - But in the movies, he flies fighter jets with speed an precision. - I got honked at twice just driving to the theater!
dr220714 -- When can I take off this wristband? - Where did you get it? - They put it on me at the water park last week and told me not to take it off! - I'd leave it on for another year at least! Dang!
dr220715 -- What kind of dinner would you like tonight, Ralph? Triangular food. - A slice of pizza, a slice of watermelon and a slice of pie. - Can you think of a triangular vegetable? - Candy corn!
dr220716 -- Is it time to feed me? - You just had your dinner! - I did? ...Sigh... - That must be why I'm standing here!
dr220717 -- RALPH DRABBLE: PARK RANGER - Informative Almost 95% of the park is designated wilderness. It is known for its granite cliffs, clear streams, giant sequoia s, lakes, mountains, waterfalls. I just wanted to know where the bathroom is! - Shares
dr220717 -- His Knowledge Do not Feed the Animals. But OK to feed rangers! - Here to assist Say "Cheese!" - Help Visitors to find parking places on busy days OK, you're good. - Finds wonders in nature Whoa! Another dollar! - Worked remotely during the
dr220717 -- pandemic Pick that up!
dr220718 -- ZZYZX - I hate it when he takes all the covers!
dr220719 -- I hate technology! I'm fed up with these 21st-century problems! What's wrong, dad? - The VCR is eating our tapes! I think you've got your centuries mixed up!
dr220720 -- Is it time to eat? - Is it time for a nap? - Is it time to bark at something? - I need a secretary. WALLY
dr220721 -- I'm going to be my best self! - - - This isn't it!
dr220722 -- WALLY I'M AWAKE! - It's a beautiful morning! - Well, it was before everyone else woke up!
dr220723 -- Dinner time! Wally Oogie - Never let them think you're too excited! yawn! - Good strategy!
dr220724 -- - WHAP! - - - Oops! It got away from me! In case you didn't hear me the first 20 times, I'm sorry I forgot that yesterday was the anniversary of our first date!
dr220725 -- Nice! I found some candy corn between the cushions! - Ralph, those have been there since October! - Candy corn never goes bad! That's true. - It's bad to begin with!
dr220726 -- Time to flip 'em over! - Dang! They're all breaking! - Norm, that isn't how you make barbecue potato chips! Maybe I should use a spatula!
dr220727 -- Care for some hot chocolate, dad? - It's the middle of summer! - Who would be thinking about hot chocolate on a day like this? - I bought a Christmas tree! Besides her.
dr220728 -- We bought all these water toys, and what do the kids like the most? - The lawn sprinkler.
dr220729 -- Wanna play Corn Dog? - You mean Corn Hole? - SNARF! - Nope.
dr220730 -- We're leaving on a cruise tomorrow, Wally! WHAT?! - Don't worry! Grandma is coming over to take care of you! - Grandma?? She's nice! She feeds me a lot! - We'll be back before you know it! Take your time!
dr220731 -- CRUISE SHIP TERMINAL Welcome Abroad! BON VOYAGE Watch Your Step You know we're cruising to Alaska, right? I thought you said ARUBA!
dr220801 -- I can't believe we're on a cruise to Alaska! Me neither, honeybunch! - ICE CREAM Hi, Ralph! - PIZZA Hello, Ralph! - And I also can't believe we've only been on this ship for 20 minutes! That long? I'm due for another cone!
dr220802 -- Alaska is amazing! - I see bears and bald eagles! - Want to look, mom? No, thanks. - I feel like I see them all the time! Where's the Spa?
dr220803 -- I can't believe we're cruising to Alaska, Patrick! Did you know that Alaska has a population of 686,293? - That's 1.2 people per square mile! Except at the cruise ship buffet!
dr220804 -- I love to sit here after lunch and try to spot whales! - I SEE ONE! I SEE ONE!! - What? A whale? No, a slice of chocolate cake way in the back!
dr220805 -- A whale! I saw a whale! Me too! - I thought whales were bigger! - Keep in mind, we're on the 16th floor of a floating skyscraper!
dr220806 -- Welcome home! Thanks for taking care of Wally while we were in Alaska, Granmma! - How was he? Well, he acted like he was hungry a lot! The key word is "acted."
dr220807 -- Have you seen those cars with cameras that drive through neighborhoods taking pictures of all the houses? Yes, why? - - I REMEMBER THAT CAR!! You really shouldn't go out to get the morning paper in your underwear, Ralph!
dr220808 -- ...and I'll have a diet cola, please. Coming right up, sir! - Here you go! - I haven't seen this much ice since our Alaska cruise.
dr220809 -- Great minds discuss ideas. - Average minds discuss events. - Small minds dicuss... - What was I talking about? I wasn't listening.
dr220810 -- HEY! WHO ATE ALL THE ICE CREAM?? - You were supposed to saver it for me!! - Dang! Rocky road rage!
dr220811 -- - - WHIFF! - Never taunt an experienced whiffle ball pitcher!
dr220812 -- The doctor said to wear a back brace and make it snug. - I'll wear it under my shirt so no one will notice! - How do you like your back brace, dad? How did you know I have it on?
dr220813 -- I'm going to drive to the $6.98 store! The $6.98 store? - Well, it's the $0.98 store, but the gas is six bucks!
dr220814 -- DING! - I hate it when there's some weird guy in the elevator with me! - Oh, that's a mirror!
dr220815 -- Due to unforeseen circumstances, we are closed today. - You'd think they would've seen it coming! PSYCHIC
dr220816 -- BURGERS The sodas here are bottomless! We can have all we want! - The fries are bottomless, too! - Is anything else here bottomless? - Just your stomach.
dr220817 -- SUPERMARKET Your total is $36.47. - You can swipe, tap or insert your credit card into the chip reader. - I know I'm old, but you don't have to explain everything to me! - Did you say I can just TAP it??
dr220818 -- WALLY Bark my head off...run amok... - Nap...beg...frolic... - And go ballistic! - Before turning in at night, I'd like to plan my day for tomorrow!
dr220819 -- It never fails... - I always buy one banana too many!
dr220820 -- Want a treat? - SIT! - skattle skattle skattle - NOT THERE!
dr220821 -- Who wants sprinkles on their ice cream? I do! - Hey, these sprinkles are old! - It's way past the expiration date! - Should I throw them away, mom? No. - You never need to throw out old ice cream sprinkles. - Just give them to your dad! The
dr220821 -- expiration date is just a number!
dr220822 -- Please forgive me. - I love you. Are you talking to me?? - OH, BE QUIET! - I guess that's a no! No, not you, dear!
dr220823 -- I'm off to a wedding shower! Your dad will be making dinner tonight! - What will you be making, dad? A call to the pizzeria!
dr220824 -- Ralph! Why would you eat nachos so close to bedtime? - You'll toss and turn all night long! - That's the point, honeybunch! - Think of all the calories I'll burn up!
dr220825 -- BURGERS Oops! - Got it! Ralph, you're a grown man! - Since when do you pick up french fries that you drop on the floor? - Since they raised the price to $4.95!
dr220826 -- Hey, would oyu like to watch this magic show? - that a trick question? - WA HA HA HA HA HA Ha HA! - No, why?
dr220827 -- - I've heard of cornhole, but not donut hole. One point for hitting his nose!
dr220828 -- BULK CLUB I can't believe my eyes! - They're already selling HALLOWEEN CANDY!! - That's crazy! It's only AUGUST! Why would anyone buy Halloween candy in the summer?! - Did you save any room in the cart for Christmas wrapping paper?
dr220829 -- HEY! - Did you chew up my sandals?! - Of course I did! - I have to do everything around here!
dr220830 -- How's your bad back, Ralph? Well, it's... - MY back is KILLING me! The pain is EXCRUCIATING! I have to sleep on the FLOOR! My doctor says he's never SEEN such a... - The only reason he asks me about my back is to tell me how much worse HIS
dr220830 -- back is!
dr220831 -- - Next time you let go of your golf club at the driving range, don't run after it!
dr220901 -- It's the last month of baseball season! - There are 30 days left! Anything can happen! - Dad, our team is 31 games out of first place! - Maybe they'll play a double-header!
dr220902 -- Ball lined up with heel of front foot... - Shoulder tilt at 45 degrees...now... - Launch it! THWACK - MAYDAY!!
dr220903 -- Maybe we should go inside now. Heck no! There's plenty of sunlight left! - My favorite time to play whiffle ball is when you can barely see anymore! - I'm going inside now. Just one more pitch!!
dr220904 -- !!! !!!! Ralph! Stop quareling with Mr. Steinbauer! - The world is crazy enough without having conflicts with our neighbors! - Now, go say something nice to him! Huh?? - Pay him a compliment! You'll feel better! - - Steinbauer, I admire how
dr220904 -- you can form an opinion on subjects you know little about! Thanks, Ralph. I appreciate your... WHAT?! You were right. That felt great!
dr220905 -- When do we get our Labor Day gifts? Labor Day gifts?? - Penny, I know your mom goes overboard on holidays, but no one gets... - HAPPY LABOR DAY!! I guess it was just a matter of time!
dr220906 -- Echo postetd that her pet badger ran away! She's so sad! - She thought I didn't like her badger because it didn't get along with Wally. - I'll let her know I'm sad by clicking the crying emoji! - You clicked the laughing emoji! WHAT?
dr220907 -- You clicked the LAUGHTING emoji instead of the CRYING! I DID?? - Echo will think I'm HAPPY her badger ran away! She's sad! - Relax, Norman! It's easy to correct, but you have to do it fast before... - She just called me a heartless ghoul!
dr220907 -- ...it's too late.
dr220908 -- Norman! Hi, Echo. - I'm very sorry that your pet badger ran away. - He was such a good...such a good...uh... - Such a good what? Such a good example of why everyone hates badgers!
dr220909 -- Echo, Wally and I are sorry that your pet badger ran away. We are? - And I didn't mean to click the laughing emoji on your post. *I* would have! - I hope he comes back soon! I say good riddance! - I'm sure Wally shares my sentiments!
dr220909 -- Fortunately, dogs can't talk!
dr220910 -- I can't believe Mittens ran away! Where could he have gone? - Maybe Wally can find him! Dachshunds hunt badgers. WHAT?? - Let's go, Wally! SERIOUSLY?? - I'm pretty sure he didn't go THIS way! Me, too!
dr220911 -- I did not! You did too! - Be honest for a change! I AM being honest! YOU be honest! - I wish people wouldn't argue in public places! - I hate all the name-calling, emotional ranting and lack of civility! - It makes me very uncomfortable. -
dr220911 -- I'll distract myself by scrolling through social media! YOU are! No, YOU are!
dr220912 -- Do you really think Wally can find Mittens? Dachshunds are good at tracking badgers! sniff sniff - The scent must be strong! Yeah, he smells pretty bad! sniff sniff sniff
dr220913 -- Are you sure Wally is still on the right trail? Of course I'm on the right trail! sniff sniff - Why is he leading us into the woods?? I'm tracking a badger! Where do you think he would go, to the MALL? sniff sniff sniff
dr220914 -- It's getting dark! I'm kind of scared! Maybe we should turn back! snif sniff sniff - I hope you don't mind if I hold on to you! We'll just give it another couple of hours! sniff sniff
dr220915 -- It's dark and scary! I think we should turn back! Maybe you're right! sniff sniff sniff - Let's go, Wally! You'll never take me alive!!
dr220916 -- Wait, Echo! Wally found something in the bushes! GRRR! GRRRR! - Maybe it's my pet badger! Careful, Wally! - THAT'S NOT A BADGER!!
dr220917 -- It's...it's...a really weird-looking baby! MITTENS *!!!* Back off, Buster! - Why is your pet badger dressed like a BABY?? Have you ever tried to buy BADGER CLOTHES?? - I can see why you ran away!
dr220918 -- Z - Z - zzZzz - ZZYZX - Z - Sore back? Yeah, I must've slept funny!
dr220919 -- Well, thanks again to you and Wally for finding Mittens! - How can I show my appreciation? - A kiss would be nice! I agree! - SMOOCH!
dr220920 -- I can't believe they're already selling Halloween candy! Back for more candy, Mr. Drabble? - You've already BOUGHT some?? He must remember me from LAST year! Let us know if you need help out to the car again!
dr220921 -- Thanks again, Ralph. Our next shipment of candy corn will arrive Monday! See you then! - It's only September! You're already sold out of candy corn?? - Yes, and he's the only one who buys it!
dr220922 -- * * * * * - How's your sore back, Ralph? * * * * * - * * * * * - Five stars! * * * * *
dr220923 -- I hope we don't have to go visit aunt Myrna and uncle Fred tomorrow! - Me too, Patrick- Maybe we won't hve to! - Maybe it will rain, or maybe someone will get sick! - I'm cautiously pessimistic.
dr220924 -- We're going to the restroom, dad! OK, Remember to wash your hands! - And if you don't, at least turn on the automatic hand dryer so it will sound like you did!
dr220925 -- PIZZA Here's your pizza! Thanks! I'm starved! - SNARF! - SNARf SNARF - - - OOF * * Dad's the only person who gets a headache from eating a pizza too fast!
dr220926 -- Honeybunch, eight glasses of water each day weighs four pounds. - But eight DONUTS only weigh half a pound! I still say you should follow your doctor's diet recommendations.
dr220927 -- Ralph, I know you have a sore back... - Do you need me to help you put on your socks again? No, thanks! - How did you get them on by yourself? I just spray-painted my ankles!
dr220928 -- - - - Yes, I love you, too!
dr220929 -- WA HA HA! - Why did you laugh so loud at that? Never laugh laoud when a comedian tells a wife joke.
dr220930 -- You sure get a lot of ads for donuts, dad! scroll scroll - There's another! scroll scroll - There are a lot of donuts in your feed! That was true even BEFORE social media!
dr221001 -- PUMPKINS - I LOVE OCTOBER! Me, thoo! candy
dr221002 -- Ralph, it's only the second day of October! - Try to pace yourself with the Halloween candy! I think I just ate a wrapper!
dr221003 -- YLLAW ? - Thanks. I couldn't get out of bed this morning!
dr221004 -- I can't hear myself THINK in here! You're probably not missing so much! - Wendy 's hard to figure out. One minute, she's rude, and the next minute, she's ruder!
dr221005 -- I need to get in shape! - Starting today, I will no longer go through the donut shop drive-thru on the way to work! - Good for you, Ralph! - I'll park the car and walk all the wy inside!
dr221006 -- Dang! - My hair falls out and gets all over the place. POOF! - Now I know why it's called the autumn of my years.
dr221007 -- Dang! My leaf blower is kaput! - What am I going to do now?? - You need to lose some weight!
dr221008 -- Whew! It's hot out here! - * - Bad idea.
dr221009 -- Will you help me get out the Halloween decorations, Ralph? Whatever you say, honeybunch! - I think I'll put the gravestones around the tree! Your mom is the only person I know who decorates for Christmas before she decorates for Halloween!
dr221010 -- PUMPKINS Seriously?? All right, if you insist! - Satisfied? Thanks. You'd be surprised how many people try to steal pumpkins!
dr221011 -- - tap tap! - Say, honeybunch, can we buy some pretzels? - Hey, your hair is different. - Your ADDRESS may soon be different.
dr221012 -- Thanks for loaning me a pencil this morning, Wendy! - - - I'm welcome!
dr221013 -- COME ON, REX! GOOD BOY! - Shouldn't you put your dog on a leash, Steinbauer? What about your neighbors?? - If I don't see it, it didn't happen! - HEY ! NOT ON MY LAWN!! * LA LA LA *
dr221014 -- Hey, kids! Let's watch "Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein." - I'm afraid it will give me nightmares! - Yes, it IS one of the scariest movies of all time! - I meant nightmares about having to watch an old black-and-white movie for two
dr221014 -- hours!
dr221015 -- - - - I told you this was a scary movie!
dr221016 -- I can't believe my back doesn't hurt anymore! - All it took was a few lifestyle changes! - For example, the doctor told me never to stoop over to pick up something! - I never realized how often I did that! Picking up the newspaper, picking up
dr221016 -- golf balls, picking things up off the floor... - No more! Now I'm much more careful! - Hey, look! A dollar! - * * * * Don't tell me. MEDICAL CARE
dr221017 -- Wally! What can we do to get you to stop begging at the table?! - Eat on the floor, maybe?
dr221018 -- Why are you wearing your costume, Penny? - I'm practicing for Halloween! - ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF - Why are you barking at the door? What SHE said!
dr221019 -- - What are YOU doing in here? - This is where you keep our electric blanket!
dr221020 -- HMMMMMMMM - MMMMMMMM - KLUNK - Nonprofessionals should avoid using the doggie ramp!
dr221021 -- Hey, why are you in the sofa?! - You call it a sofa-I call it a dessert bar!
dr221022 -- Bleah! I've been eating candy corn since August! - I've finally reached my limit! I can't take another bite! - * * - Sometimes all you need is a little break! munch munch
dr221023 -- ROWF! - ROWF ROWF! - ROWF! - ROWF ROWF ROWF! - ROWF! ROWF! ROWF! ROWF! - Don't just stand there, HELP me!! -  ROWF ROWF ROWF! Don't you DARE fall to the ground, Mr. Leaf! Curse you, autumn leaves!! Get back in that tree where you belong! Our
dr221023 -- family is a little weird, but at least we support each other!
dr221024 -- That's a big package. - What on earth did I order?? - RIP RIP SHRED RIP TEAR RIP - Nail polish.
dr221025 -- ? - My new blender arrived! I know you're excited when a package is delivered, but next time take it inside before you tearit open!
dr221026 -- I want Channel II! - Not Channel I! Channel II! - Not Channel III! Channel II! - NOT CHANNEL IIII! Maybe we should take a walk!
dr221027 -- You're sold out of Halloween candy?? What weill I tell the trick-or-treaters?? - Tell them how you you bought most of it and ate it all yourself! Maybe I just won't answer the door.
dr221028 -- I don't get it. Some pumpkins have so much personality. - And others, not so much!
dr221029 -- Aren't you excited, Penny? Day after tomorrow, you're going to see witches, monsters and ghouls run amok! - I thought Black Friday was after Thanksgiving!
dr221030 -- * On the first day o Christmas, my true love gave to me... * - We have a winner for the most terrifying costume of the night! - PLEASE don't sing the whole thing!!
dr221031 -- Aren't you a little big to trick-or-treat? - I suppose. I could be out pulling pranks with other kids my age... - But instead I chose to enjoy this wonderful childhood tradition one more time. - Happy Halloween!
dr221101 -- At first I liked your toothy grin... - But you became rotten and useless. - And now it's time to throw you out! - That's kind of how I feel every election day!
dr221102 -- WALLY - skattle skattle skattle skattle - Why do you always come over and beg when I'm eating chips? - History repeats istelf, especially when you're a dachshund!
dr221103 -- WALLY Eat, sleep, bark... - Eat, sleep, bark... - - I forgot about BEG!
dr221104 -- Aww! Why are you so friendly? - Because dachshunds spread joy and love to everyone in the world! - GRRRRRR - Within reason, of course!
dr221105 -- Boy, a weird thing just happened to us... - Let ME explain it!! OK. - So, it was like...like... - How would you explain it?
dr221106 -- WALLY OK, Wally! It's time for the dog food taste test! - There are three different brands of dog food! Tell us which is your favorite! - Ready...GO! - SNARf SNARF SNARF - Well? Which one was your favorite? Darn! I forgot to pay attention!
dr221106 -- Let's do it again!
dr221107 -- Ralph, there's a lizard in the house! A LIZARD? - It crawled under the sofa! Will you please capture it and put it outside? ME? HOW?? I hate lizards! - I'm sure you'll think of a way! - Hey, Wally! There's a lizard under the sofa! Sorry, I
dr221107 -- just do badgers!
dr221108 -- Hey, Oogie! There's a LIZARD in the house! - GO GET IT! - yawn! - Bring it to me!
dr221109 -- I can't sleep. I'm freaked out about that lizard loose in our house! - Ralph, it's just a tiny lizard! There's no reason to be freaked out! - ____------===== - HE JUST RAN aCROSS THE PIANO!!
dr221110 -- May I take your order, please? 24 HOUR DRIVE-THRU SHAKES & ICE CREAM - What most people order who can't sleep because a lizard is loose in the house at two A.M.? A Blizzard! There's a "lizzard" inside!
dr221111 -- GOTCHA!! - I caught the lizard, Norm! - Now I'll release him into our yard! - Better yet, I'll release him into Mr. Steinbauer's yard!
dr221112 -- Look, honeybunch! I caught the lizard! - I told you there was no reason to be scared of him! - - AAAAUUGHHH! Oops! Hold still while I pull him out of your shirt!
dr221113 -- I may be loud... - I may beg at the table... Yawn! - I may be stinky... - I may have bad breath... - I may eat out of the garbage pail.. - - What was I thinking about? You may not have a long attention span...
dr221114 -- Hello. Do you have a mobile order? No. - Will you be using the app today? No. - I just want one small root beer. - What's that, money? Boy, do I feel old!
dr221115 -- What kind of music should we listen to? - Dad said that there are some rappers that he likes. - Really, dad? Which ones? - Snockers Bars and Sausage McGriddles!
dr221116 -- Here, Norm. Mail a letter for me! - - HOW?!
dr221117 -- OH, NO! - - Whew! - That momentary panic when you think you've lost your phone! Hello, 9-1-1? Never mind!
dr221118 -- SKRRAAKK! - SKKRRRAAKK! SKRAAAAKK! - Ralph, stop snoring! I'm not snoring. I'm finishing off a malt!
dr221119 -- Time to get out of bed, Wally. Why? - Good point! Z
dr221120 -- - Hey! - What happened to the squeak? I oiled the door while you were gone! - I LOVED that squeak! - This door has benn squeaking for 20 YEARS! - It squeaked when we brought each of our babies home from the hospital! - Hey, what happened to
dr221120 -- the squeak? Your dad oiled the door! - I LOVED that squeak! It was as if the door was saying "Welcome home"! I can't wait until they notice I also got rid of the dead tree in our backyard!
dr221121 -- We're next! Get ready! - OK, it's our turn! - When it's cold, we go to the drive-thru dog park! ROWF ROWF ROWF WOOF WOOF!
dr221122 -- I like it when the weather turns cold. Does that make me a weirdo? Of course no, honeybunch! - It just makes you DRESS like a weirdo! Well, if you'd turn up the heat in here...!
dr221123 -- Yeesh! - It's getting so my back problems are almost as bad as my FRONT problems!
dr221124 -- Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday because we don't overdo the decorations. - Well, most of us don't. Has anyone seen my wishbone earrings? I hope I didn't bury 'em!
dr221125 -- Z - - WHOOSH! CRASH * THUMP * - Z
dr221126 -- "It was a dark and stormy night." Fussbudget "Rats!" Joe Cool Olivier Naturally curly hair Beethoven's birthday Beagle scouts Security blanket "Aaugh!" Blockhead Happiness is... Little red-haired girl Psychatry booth Daisy Hill Puppy Farm
dr221126 -- "Dear Pencil-Pal" Rare gem Round-headed kid Wishy-washy Red baron Needles Olaf Joe Shlabotnik Kite-eating tree Miss Othmar Ophthalmologist - "Good grief!" Sweet babboo The Great Pumpkin "You're weird, sir!" WW1 flying ace Zamboni Pigpen
dr221126 -- Supper dish Tricks or treats *** "I'll hold the ball, and you come running up, and kick it!" I could go on and on! When you talk about Schulz, you usually do!
dr221127 -- What are you doing? - I was sitting in a chair, eating barbecue potato chips, and I got crumbs all over me! - If I stand up, they'll fall on the floor! - I'm trying to get to the front door so I can brush them off outside! - Almost there... -
dr221127 -- I'm home! WHAM! So close!
dr221128 -- - - What did I come down here for? I'm hoping it's food related.
dr221129 -- Maybe instead of watching exercise videos, you should actually DO then! - You watch gourmet cooking videos! -
dr221130 -- HO! x3 Well, it's that time of year! - I can finally wear my Christmas necklace again! - Nice! - You haven't worn that since April! It was late March!
dr221201 -- * On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me... ** Boy, THERE'S q song I haven't missed in eleven months! - Christmas radio plays the favorites and the not-so-favorites! I'm going to take a nine-minute walk!
dr221202 -- It must be Christmas season. - I dreamed frost was nipping at my nose! - That was me. Breakfast is way late!
dr221203 -- - - - Wally should enter a Tree-athlon!
dr221204 -- We need to finish these lights, Norm. It's getting dark! - They keep getting tangled! Wrap them around your waist! - Around my waist? But then how will I... - WHOA! - - Thank you! ...Sigh... Lighting Contest AWARD "Most Humorous"
dr221205 -- ...Sigh... - - Whenever I feel like a loser, I open my emails and look at all the special offers I qualify for!
dr221206 -- WHOA! - ? - I hate it when I'm holding my phone and I feel it vibrate in my pocket! Phantom Phone Syndrome!
dr221207 -- Know what I don't understand? Besides most things? - Why do people come DOWN with the flu and come UP with an idea? - And why do we write DOWN things that go in a write-UP? And also... - What do you mean, "BESIDES MOST THINGS??" Nine seconds!
dr221208 -- Speak! ROWF! - Roll over! - Shake! - Dachshunds are good at that one!
dr221209 -- WALLY How can I be sure there are no badgers outside? - They're probably waiting for me to fall asleep so they can wreak havoc! - BARK! - wurf wurf wurf... I wonder why Wally barks in his sleep?
dr221210 -- Merry Christmas, Steinbauer! A plate of cookies from our family to yours! - Oh, uh...we have something for you, too. I'll get it! - Here you go! Great minds think alike! - He just changed the ribbon!
dr221211 -- Grrrrr! - I'm practicing my anti-badger look in the mirror! - You never know when you might encounter a badger, and you need to be able to scare them away! - GRRRR!! - WHOA! - That was a good one!
dr221212 -- Nice try, Penny... - But you may not use mommy's hosiery!
dr221213 -- I love this time of year! - You love EVERY time of year. - That's not true! - I wasn't crazy about late August of 2009!
dr221214 -- ROOOWF ROWF ROWF ROWF - ROOOWF ROWF ROWF ROWF - Wally! Not so loud!! - How could it be loud? I was singing "Silent Night."
dr221215 -- KNOCK KNOCK - - KNOCK KNOCK -
dr221216 -- - - Good job, kids! That was great! - I told them I'd tip them this year if they didn't sing!
dr221217 -- I don't get it. - The package delivery guy parks his van in the street and brings gifts to our door. - The other package delivery guy parks his sleigh and reindeer on our roof and brings gifts down the chimney... - And HE'S the one they sing
dr221217 -- songs about! WALLY
dr221218 -- I'm going to wrap a present for dad. - * Well I bought you a present but you'll have to wait! You can only open this on a dif-fer-ent date! ** - ** When you see what I got you you are gonna say WOW! It's exactly what you want but can't open
dr221218 -- it now! ** - * I'm gonna tie a pretty ribbon all the way around it. Now where'd I put the tape? Oh, there it is! I found it! * - * You want it right away I can certainly relate! But it's not Christmas day So you just gotta wait! ** - Merry
dr221218 -- Christmas, dad! - You're not a great wrapper in any sense of the word.
dr221219 -- Among the players who won't be available for today's game: The running back, the wide receiver, the nose tackle, the quarterback... - The center, the kicker... - Among the fans who won't be available today: ME! *
dr221220 -- Honeybunch, the Christmas decorations have gotten out of hand! They're festive! - On a VACUUM?? I didn't want him to feel left out!
dr221221 -- Honeybunch, I know you love Christmas, but it's not necessary to decorate EVERYTHING! - Don't exaggerate! I haven't decorated everything! - Hey, Alexis! Why are you covered in Christmas ribbon? Good question! Ask your mother! - OK, almost
dr221221 -- everything!
dr221222 -- WALLY! DON'T EAT OUT OF THE GARBAGE PAIL! - If you want something to eat, come have some fruitcake! - It's not like any of US are gonna eat it! On second thought, I'm not that hungry!
dr221223 -- KNOCK KNOCK - - - Aren't you going to wrap them? What for?
dr221224 -- I love Christmas eve! It doesn't get any better. - I can't wait to open my gift tomorrow and see what you got me! I MEAN it...it doesn't get any better!
dr221225 -- Every Christmas, I'm thankful for those who have made the season even merrier! - Like Bing Crosby, Irving Berlin, Nat King Cole, Ella Fitzgerald..., Gene Autry, Vince Guaraldi, David Benoit, Burl Ives, Eartha Kitt... - Charles Dickens, Dr,
dr221225 -- Seuss, Clemend Moore... - Carrie Underwood, Tim Allen, Jimmy Stewart, Charles M. Schulz... - And the UPS guy!
dr221226 -- How on earth did you get up THERE?? - I followed the popcorn string!
dr221227 -- What a beautiful sunrise! - I should take a picture! - Actually, that's the sunset! - But I just woke up! The days are short this time of year!
dr221228 -- Hi, Wally! - How's my favorite dog? - DOG?! - ...besides overly sensitive? He called me a dog!
dr221229 -- Time to take off the ornaments. - I can't believe this tree lasted this long! - BINK! - Barely.
dr221230 -- Thanks for spending New Year's Eve Eve with me, Echo! - It was the best New Year's Eve Eve I've ever had! - I would've asked you for New Year's EVE, but I was afraid you'd be busy. - Maybe we could go out for Valentine's Day Eve! How drabbly
dr221230 -- can you get?
dr221231 -- HAPPY NEW YEAR Did you make a list of New Year's resolutions, Ralph? I sure did! - It's right here. - You wrote all of your resolutions on a sticky note? I only came up with one... - "Try harder to think of resolutions next year!" I'll make a
dr221231 -- list for you if my pen doesn't run out of ink!
dr230101 -- WELCOME 2023 (I THINK) 10...9...8...7... - 6...5...4... - 3...2...1... - WHEW! Thank goodness THAT year is over! No bad news in the first five seconds! So far, so good!
dr230102 -- Happy new year, Steinbauer! - So-so new year to you, Ralph! That's the nicest thing he's ever said to me!
dr230103 -- So much for your resolution to eat healthier! I AM going to eat healthier! - This year I'll only eat donuts while I'm jogging!
dr230104 -- ...and that's not all, Ralph... - I've got another bone to pick with you! - Um...what was I going to say? Why can't I think of it?? - Maybe you've got complainer's block! Your dog? Your yard?
dr230105 -- Stop jumping with excitement. You may not lick the beaters! - You can't either.
dr230106 -- I made you some hot chocolate, dad! - Thanks, Norm! - I couldn't find a mug, so I borrowed the one that was on your desk. - Look out for the pencils!
dr230107 -- Ahem! - WALLY - skattle skattle skattle! - I was just clearing my throat! Sounded like "Dinner-Time" to me!
dr230108 -- - - - - - DING! DING! DING! DING! ...Sigh... - Why does my refrigerator wait until I'm all the way upstairs to tell me that the door is ajar? DING! DING! DING! DING!
dr230109 -- Hi, No-Neck! - Happy new year, Ralph! - When is the appropriate time to stop saying happy new year? - I stopped saying it when I turned 49!
dr230110 -- Alexis, what time is it? It's 5:23 PM. - - Alexis, what time is it? It's 2 minutes later than when you asked me the last time. - Sheesh! Welcome to MY life!
dr230111 -- BUMP WHIRR BUMP WHIRR BUMP BUMP ? - Aww...did mommy accidentally shut you in there again? WHIRRRR
dr230112 -- - - - As I was saying, sometimes I malfunction on purpose, in hopes that they'll exchange me for a blender!
dr230113 -- Owner's Manual * * scratch scratch - Owner's Manual Manual
dr230114 -- - What do I have to do to get your attention?
dr230115 -- - - - TA-DAAAAH! - - ta-daaaaaah! - TA-DAH! Oh, sorry! That was great!!
dr230116 -- - - - I miss the package delivery guy.
dr230117 -- I love to make hot chocolate! - Actually, I love to DRINK hot chcolate! - - Actually, I just love the whipped cream! skraakk!
dr230118 -- I still feel bloated from the holidays! That's understandable. - 45 Halloweens have taken their toll!
dr230119 -- Hey, you might be interested in this video, honeybunch! - It shows you how to tone your... - Tone your... - Tune your piano! Too bad we don't have a piano!
dr230120 -- Wow! You're taking out the trash! - Thank you for not making me ask you 10 times! - You're welcome! I only had to ask him NINE times!
dr230121 -- Hey, Norman! Will you bring me a root beer? - WHIRRRRRRRR - WHIRRR - How lazy can either one of us get?
dr230122 -- - - ? - Why did I come in this room? - Oh, yeah! To get my phone! - I feel like I'm losing my mind sometimes! - - Now, what did I want my phone for?
dr230123 -- I like you, Bob! - You sit in the background and watch over our family without credit or recognition. - And you always seem perfectly content! - Actually, I've sent applications to "Blondie" and "Puxkles."
dr230124 -- Poor Bob. - All he ever does is sit there and look confused. - You'd look so confused, too, if someone told you to sit on a perch and pretend you're a rare south american parrot. - Well, I didn't think he'd actually DO it!
dr230125 -- Tell me again why we wanted Bob to pretend he's a rare South American parrot! - Because dad hated ducks. But now Dad KNOWS Bob is a duck! - But Mr. Steinbauer doesn't! He's the president of the Home-Owners Association! Oh! - It all makes
dr230125 -- perfect sense to me now! That makes one of us!
dr230126 -- Mr. Steinbauer is president of the H.O.A.! Ducks can't be pets in our neighborhood! NO DUCKS LIVE HERE - That's why we have to pretend Bob is a parrot! - If he knew Bob was a duck, he'd make us get rid of him! He wouldn't dare!! - Would he?
dr230126 -- He just fined our neigbors because their snowman is too tall!
dr230127 -- CAT LIKER OOGIE!! - In my SHOES? WHY?! It's "Furball Friday."
dr230128 -- Ralph, I demand to take another look at that parrot of yours! - He looks like a duck to me, and that would be a violation of H.O.A. rules! - I've googled a picture of a duck, and I'm going to compare! - OK, maybe he isn't a duck. He's not
dr230128 -- wearing a little sailor suit! Is everyone dumb in this comic strip?
dr230129 -- Ralph, will you take out the garbage? - Ralph?? - Daddy, Patrick is hogging all the Legos! - He can't hear anybody because he's got his new earbuds in! - tap tap - Does the music sound better with your new earbuds? - I'm not listening to
dr230129 -- music. - I just put them in whenever I want some peace and quiet!
dr230130 -- I've heard of "Elf on a Shelf"... - But I don't think that "Bird on a Nerd" will catch on. I hope not.
dr230131 -- Since I don't ask you opinion as often as I should, do you think we should by an air fryer? Absolutely not! - Who wants fried air? Now I remember why I don't ask your opinion very often.
dr230201 -- This is Groundhog Day EVE, Wally! - Tomorrow, the groundhog will poke his head out of his den and... - Groundhogs are not related to badgers. Grrrr!
dr230202 -- It says here that Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow today. Dang. - What does that men? Six more weeks of Christmas music! * It's the most wonderful tiiiime... **
dr230203 -- Wally, wake up! Z - It's time for breakfast! - - Did somebody say breakfast?!
dr230204 -- Welcome to 24-Hour Tacos! - Would you like to try out our new hot & spicy fish taco? - No, just give me a beef burrito, a loaded quesadilla and some nacho fries. - Why on earth woul want a hot & spicy fish taco at THIS time of night?
dr230205 -- Where does mom keep the kitchen trash bags? - In the laundry room. - Why doesn't she keep  them in the kitchen? Who knows. - Your mom puts things in the strangest places! - By the way, can I borrow your car keys? Sure. - They're not in the
dr230205 -- key rack. I think I may have left them in the refrigerator!
dr230206 -- I've done 10 push-ups today, honeybunch! - Good work! - - Make it! Push-Up
dr230207 -- I have never ever won a trophy. - Have you ever won a trophy, Echo? Maybe one... - Or two... - OK, I've won 37 trophys!
dr230208 -- Norman, I can't believe you never won a trophy! - Not even for T-Ball? EVERYONE wins a trophy in T-Ball! - Nope. There were 12 kids on the team and only 12 trophys. - Then why didn't you... The coach's kid got two!
dr230209 -- I didn't even win a participation trophy when I played peewee soccer! - I was the leading goal scorer on the team! - Don't tell me... - You scored them all in the wrong net? The coach still won't look at me when I see him around town!
dr230210 -- I'm sorry you've never won a trophy, Norman! My luck could change tomorrow. - I'm hoping to be named Employee of the Week at the hardware store! - I think I have a really good chance. - I had the week off, so I didn't mess up anything!
dr230211 -- I'm sorry you didn't win Emplyee of the Week, Norman. - Remember trophys and awards are overrated. - Easy for you to say. You've won 37 trophies! - Actually, some of them were just plaques.
dr230212 -- I'm so happy it's Super Bowl Sunday! - Now, remember, football is a complicated game. - If you don't understand something, just ask me. - There is no such thing as a stupid question! - I have a question... - Why does Super Bowl Sunday always
dr230212 -- seem to fall on a Sunday? - Dand, now I have to make more guacamole. I'll just google it.
dr230213 -- PIZZA I'm sorry I've been feeling sorry for myself, Echo. That's OK. Too bad you've never won a trophy. - You still might someday! I doubt it... - Unless there's an dault T-ball league somewhere!
dr230214 -- Contratulations, Norman! Happy Valentine's Day! A TROPHY? - "2023 Echo Sweepstakes Presented to Norman Drabble." You can no longer say that you've never won a trophy!
dr230215 -- I told Echo that I never won a trophy, and she gave me this one! It's even inscribed! Wow! - "2023 Echo Sweepstakes Presented to Norman Drabble-Honorable Mention Award." You only got HONORABLE MENTION? She wants me to stay humble!
dr230216 -- Echo gave you a trophy! What a great girl! Yup! Z - Too bad she has a pet badger! ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF!!!
dr230217 -- Christmas was two months ago... - And I'm still listening to the nutcracker! CRRACK!
dr230218 -- Come on, Wally! Jump into my arms... - So I can give you a bath! -
dr230219 -- Ralph! Come take out the kitchen trash! - Coming, honeybunch! - - ...Sigh... - RALPH! Almost there! - This thing only goes so fast! WHIRRRRRR Sigh...
dr230220 -- Before we go to the store, I need you to drive me to the library. - OK, what's the best way to get there? - It doesn't matter. Any way you want! - Why are you going THIS way?
dr230221 -- I like it when the cat falls asleep on my lap! - - - Sorry, my stomach rumbled.
dr230222 -- Dad, I need some fatherly advice... OK, let's see... - Always remember, even the most humble potato can become a french fry! I suppose I can use that.
dr230223 -- DENTISTRY Mr. Drabble, regular dental checkups are important! I know, but every six months seems too often! - I told you, I can't schedule your next appointment for 10 years from now! I promise I'll remember!
dr230224 -- Dang! I missed a call from someone named "Spam Risk". Who the heck is THAT? - I better call them back! Never give a SMARTPHONE to a DUMB KIT!
dr230225 -- I wish I had a perch! - Someplace high in the sky where I could see for miles! - Whoa, this is awesome! ...Sigh...
dr230226 -- Christmas Day seems long ago, I miss that happy time. - Our family gathered all around, to enjoy prose and rhyme. - Carols and songs filled our hearts, while toys for kiddies filled our carts. - Twinkling lights that hung above, adorned our
dr230226 -- home with wonder and love. - Althought it's nearly march now, the wonder stays with me. - I wonder, for example, when they'll come and get our tree!
dr230227 -- - WHIRRRRRRRRR - RRRRRRRRRR - Excuse you!
dr230228 -- WHIRRRRRRRRR Z WALLY - RRRRRRRRRRZ - RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR Z Wake up, Wally! You're sleep-vacuuming!
dr230301 -- If I eat a donut, I'll feel guilty all day. - If I DON'T eat a donut, I'll be proud of myself all day. - "Be not proud, for the Lord hath spoken." I'm glad your sunday school classes finally paid off!
dr230302 -- - - Did you enjoy all the beautiful scenery today? Yeah, my Facebook group has been posting a lot of baseball photos!
dr230303 -- Say cheese, dad! - Wait, let me find your good side! - - I'll take a picture of Wally!
dr230304 -- Sit up, Wally! - whirrrr - bump! - At least he had the presence of mind to grab the treat on the way down! crunch crunch!
dr230305 -- HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOMMY! - We baked you a cake! Sorry we made such a mess in the kitchen! And you don't have to clean it up. It's your birthday, after all! That's right! You can wait until tomorrow!
dr230206 -- Hey, now we're talking! "How to Get Instant Sciatica Relief"! - You know you're getting older when everyone you follow on TikTok is a physical therapist!
dr230307 -- munch munch - Wally, GO GET IT! - skattle skattle skattle skattle - Go get what?
dr230308 -- Ibought you a grabber.  It might help your sore back! - You'll never have to pick up anything off the floor again! - Enjoy! - ...Sigh...
dr230309 -- - - I hate it when I eat an entire can of cheese balls. - Especially since I can't stand them!
dr230310 -- Here, Wally! Come inside! - - RRRRRRR - I do a pretty good can-opener impression! screech!
dr230311 -- RRRRRRRRR! - I'm not falling for this again! He's just imitating the sound of the can opener so I'll come running! - SSCHLORKK! - Apparently, he can also imitate the sound of the dog food falling out og the can! Hee hee!
dr230312 -- There's a new update available for my phone. - They're recommending to install it. - It's supposed to prevent my phone from getting lost! - I guess that's important. Careful...I just installed that update. - I kind of wish I hadn't. I'll show
dr230312 -- it to you. - It does keep my phone from getting lost, though.
dr230313 -- Sorry to keep you wainting, Ralph... - I just need to put on a little makeup! - Feel free to put on a lot of makeup! - Wait! That came out wrong! I only meant...oh, forget it. YOU might need makeup!
dr230314 -- WALLY Get up, Wally! It's time for breakfast! - But it's warm in here! - - I will not serve you breakfast in bed!
dr230315 -- This couch is uncomfortable! I like it here! - Get up and do some exercises! Leave me alone! - I hate it when my nagging back pain argues with my stubborn belly fat! You're the reason I hurt! You're the one who slouches!
dr230316 -- I feel like I know nothing. - That's a sign of intelligence! - The great philosopher Socrated said, "I know that I am intelligent because I know that I know nothing." - I didn't know that! OK, you're showing off!
dr230317 -- You know, I like St. Patrick's Day as much as the next guy... - But was it necessary to dye Bod the Duck green? He looks festive! I can't wait for Easter!
dr230318 -- Welcome - 's all right? 's all right! - So far, so good. I still think we need a better home security system!
dr230319 -- What is it, Wally? - You're hungry AGAIN? - ...Sigh... OK. - Feed the dog! Feed the dog! Feed the dog! - Day and night! Day and night! - Is that all you ever think about? - You always want to be fed! - Mom, when's dinnner?
dr230320 -- So far, I kind of like the 2020s! - Kids don't throw toilet paper or eggs at my house anymore!
dr230321 -- The doctor will see you shortly. - Please take a seat and fill out these new patient forms. - - I've been here since thursday!
dr230322 -- There! I filled out all the new patient forms! Thank you, Mr. Drabble.  The doctor will see you shortly. - So, what's you ailment? Now it's writer's cramp!
dr230323 -- Supermarket Yesterday I promised myself that I would give up sugar. - But I forgot that Easter is comping up! - So, I hereby break that promise to myself! - Can you DO that?? Probably. I never shook on it!
dr230324 -- Do you have a a boyfriend, Echo? - Well, I THOUGHT I did! - But maybe I don't! - He sounds like a real turkey. I'm starting to wonder!
dr230325 -- Turn off the TV and come with me. - Now THIS is the best kind of streaming!
dr230326 -- WHIRRRRRRRRRRRR - RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR Z - RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR Z - RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR Z - RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR Z - I can't figure out where all my missing socks go!
dr230327 -- Ralph, why do you look so awkward and uncomfortable? - I put my sweatpants on backwards.
dr230328 -- My wife tracks my phone location sometimes. - Therefore, if I want to visit the donut shop in peace... - I prak at the gym, leave my phone in the car and walk across the street. - I can feel her calling even when my phone's not in my pocket!
dr230329 -- Do you like me, Norman? - Of course, Echo! Why do you ask! - Sometimes it seems like you either don't like me, or you're just really dumb. - I'm really dumb. Good. I'm so releived!
dr230330 -- The TV is sso loud I can barely hear my phone. - I'll turn up the volume on my phone. - Now I can't hear the TV. I'll turn up the volume. - Now I can't hear my phone again! Go outside and play!
dr230331 -- - ...Sigh... - Hey, Alexis! Where do my missing socks go? - Ask your dog!
dr230401 -- APRIL FOOL! - Norm, you're supposed to shout "April Fool" after you say something untrue. - Really? - Wendy just asked me for adate! Are you suggesting she didn't mean it? Holidays can be tough.
dr230402 -- - Daddy, can you open this bag for me? Of course, Penny! - It's very simple. All you have to do is... - AAARRRGHH! - bite bite bite - Honeybunch, can you open this? - rip! - Here you go, Penny! Thanks, daddy! You're the best!
dr230403 -- How was the Cole Porter concert? - Well, you mom wanted to her her favorite song... - But we came in late, and they had already started playing it, so... - She asked the conductor to bgegin "Begin the Gebuine" again! Why are you talking like
dr230403 -- Porky Pig?
dr230404 -- I'll have a breakfast burrito, please! - You cna't have a breakfast burrito for dinner! Why not? - For lunch I had a dinner salad! - What did you have for breakfast, lunchmeat? I don't think I've adjusted to daylight savings time.
dr230405 -- What's with you? I'm Batduck! - I think Bob has lost his mind. He has a mind? To the Duck-Cave, Robin!
dr230406 -- skattle skattle skattle - - Sixty-to-zero in three seconds! ZZYZX WALLY
dr230407 -- The Easter eggs are looking good! - Some of them seem kind of small, though. - Golf balls were cheaper!
dr230408 -- GOTCHA! I FINALLY CAUGHT THE EASTER BUNNY! - AND NOW I'M GONNA WAKE UP EVERYBODY! - ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF -
dr230409 -- IT'S EASTER! I LOVE Easter Sunday! - Me, too! I always look forward to our traditional Easter breakfast... - Fifteen peanut buttercups!
dr230410 -- - - - Just making sure I didn't miss any candy!
dr230411 -- I like the pizza cafe, I like the donut shop... - But I'm not crazy about the outlet mall!
dr230412 -- Ralph, I need to borrow your ladder. - I need to take down Christmas lights! - You still have your Christmas lights up? - No, you do.
dr230413 -- THEY LOST AGAIN! - It's sad. People get so upset by things they see on TV! - Dogs know that it's a big, beautiful world outside. - Don't worry. I'm here for you.
dr230414 -- It's sad. People get so riled up by things they hear! - - ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF! - I guess nobody's perfect!
dr230415 -- People get so upset about things they hear on TV! - Words are nothing to be afraid of! - Why is Wally hiding under the couch? I said "veterinarian."
dr230416 -- I told honeybunch to save me a seat in church. - I don't see her, but t hat looks like her purse! - I THINK that's her purse, but what if it isn't? - She usually keeps her phone inthere. - AHA! Ther eit is! - I THINK it's her phone! How can I
dr230416 -- be sure? - I'll check out the photos! - Wow, she looks good on this one! - HEY, WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT MY PHONE?
dr230417 -- - Ha! I finally got your ball! - - HEY!
dr230418 -- Why are you wearing one yellow sock and one purple sock? - I figured. WALLY
dr230419 -- Long time no see, Norm! - NEIL!! - It's so great to see you again! - - OK, bye! Don't be a stranger!
dr230420 -- Dad, look! It's Neil! Ni, Mr. D.! It's been a long time! - I wonder why... Sometimes characters vanish from comic strips. Who knows why. - Maybe we should ask him! Who? - Yes! I think I know why you vanished.
dr230421 -- Neil, this is our dog, Wally! sniff sniff - Wally? What happened to GINGER? - - Yeah, what DID happen to Ginger?? Comics can be a cruel business.
dr230422 -- Well, I'd better go. It's amazing that you came baxk after so long, Neil! - You're going to be seeing a lot more of me around here! That's great! - In fact, I met a girl! I think I'm in love! Excellent! - Her name is Echo! WHAT??
dr230423 -- I need to mow the lawn. - Didn't you just mow it a couple days ago? Yes. It's really important to keep your front yard looking nice. - You never know when one of those camera cars will drive through the neighborhood taking pictures  of all
dr230423 -- the homes! - I'd hate for them to take a picture of our house that I'd be emarrassed about. - People will be looking at it for years! -
dr230424 -- Have you noticed that characters in this comic strip disappear sometimes? - Yeah. That doesn't bother me. - It's when they come back years later just to stir up trouble... Neil, wait...did you say you're in love with a girl named ECHO?!!
dr230425 -- Neil, you have a girlfriend named ECHO? Me, too! - What are the chances it's the SAME GIRL? A million to one! - There must be thousands of girls named... - ECHO! Hi, Neily-Poo!
dr230426 -- Echo is PERFECT! I know! - She's like a dream come true! I know! - She's everything a guy could want! I know! - Then why didn't you ever TELL me? Who knows?
dr230427 -- Neil, you cannot date Echo! - SHE'S THE GIRL I LOVE! Finally! - Me, too, and I will not let her go without a fight! Fight? I'm not a fighter! - PUT 'EM UP! He means your fists!
dr230428 -- Norm, if you want Echo, you'll have to fight me! - Come on! Put up your dukes! - I've never hit anybody before! I DARE you! - BAM!
dr230429 -- ECHO! ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?! I DIDN'T MEAN TO HIT YOU!! - I MEANT TO HIT NEIL, BUT HE DUCKED! I'm fine. It really didn't hurt at all! - Do you need some ice? No, seriously, that was weak. I've had pillow fights worse than that! - I'm so
dr230429 -- relieved, sort of. Thank you for fighting me, kind of!
dr230430 -- Honeybunch, I need to ask you a question... - Just answer yes or no, because I get confused easily! - Should I buy tickets for all of us to go to the basketball game tmorrow? - Oooh, that sounds fun! Although, it would probably be very
dr230430 -- expensive with parking and food. But I'm sure it would be worth it for the nice memories we'd have. Unless you decide to leave in the sixth inning to beat traffic! Speaking of traffic, my friend ... got stuck in traffic for three hours
dr230430 -- yesterday! We really should get ... with Marie and her husband Dave. They're such nice people! Maybe we ... dinner and a movie sometime. M ... Dave doesn't like seafood ... be able to go to the squid snack ... find someplace we'd agree ...
dr230430 -- something not too expensive because ... is out of woek. Speaking ... work, my photography business has ... so well this year that we ... walk to our tax guy and discuss sha... daughter is playing soccer ... yu! - She's very talented but
dr230430 -- suffers ... allergies and she has to ... aler. My cousin suffers for years with ... allergies, but they eventually we ... she got rid of her cat. It was a cute cat. There was cat hair everywhere ... that doesn't shed. - Speaking of cats... I
dr230430 -- forgot what I came in this room for.
dr230501 -- Norm, you've always been a good friend. - I had no idea you were in love with Echo, but we heard you say it loud and clear. - Therefore, I will bow out! - Thanks again! Any time!
dr230502 -- Bye, Neil! Don't be a stranger! - Wh would think that the sudden reapearance of an old friend could cause so much trouble? - KNOCK KNOCK - NORMAN! D...D...Arlene! Who the heck is this?!
dr230503 -- Echo, this is Darlene! We knew each other a long time ago! - I loved Norman, but he never knew I existed. Sounfs familiar! - It's OK. I have a new boy-friend! He's someone else you might remember! - Roly-Poly, the college mascot? He's all
dr230503 -- hands, though.
dr230504 -- Why would a college make a roly-poly bug their mascot? Aren't they... - ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF - ...scaredy-cats? ?
dr230505 -- Bye, Darlene! That was a strange experience. - Please tell me there are no more girls from your past who are going to drop by today! - KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK - I'll get it! NO!!!
dr230506 -- NO, DON'T TAKE THE... - It's the evil wrestler CACTUS JACK! - I've come to settle a score! Thank goodness! I thought it was Wendy! Dad, it's for you. I knew this day would come.
dr230507 -- ...52...51...50..49... - What's up, dad? SHHHH! In exactly 43 seconds, I have to checkin for my flight tomorrow! - To get a good boarding position, you have to be fast! - Everyone tries to get in group *A* because they board first! Group *B*
dr230507 -- boards next, then group *C* has to settle for whatever seats are left. - I can check in 3...2...1... - tap! tap! TAP! TAP! TAP! TAP! - - How did you do? I didn't even know there WAS a group *D*!
dr230508 -- Cactus Jack! My pro wrestling opponent from many years ago! Why do you darken my door? - I've got a bone to pick with you, Ralph! - It's just an expression, Wally!
dr230509 -- Ralph, you used to wrestle as "The Dismantler." So? - So, I demand a rematch! REMATCH?! I'm not a wrestler anymore! I'm out of shape! - My wrestling costume doesn't fit anymore! - How can you outgrow a MASK and CAPE? If anyone can, HE can!
dr230510 -- I challenge you to a rematch. Ralph! - We'll wrestle in your front yard for all your neighbors to see! - We're over the hill, Cactus Jack! We'd embarrass ourselves! - What makes you think I'm afraid of emarrassing myself? Good point.
dr230511 -- All right, Cactus Jack! You asked for it! - Break it up! MOOSE! It's been years! - Yes, and life id too short for ex-wrestlers to carry grudges! Now, give each other a hug! Oh, OK! NO!
dr230512 -- It's so weird how people we haven't seen in years keep dropping in! KNOCK KNOCK - Why, it's Mr. Gargle, our former neighbor! - You might as well come in!
dr230513 -- Whoa! Who's that? That's FLUSH, the Fish. - We've had him for a while, but you never pay attention to him. - Probably because he doesn't have a lot of personality. - Did you say something?
dr230514 -- I wrote a Mother's Day poem for you, honeybunch! Oh, how sweet! - There are so many ways You show that you care. It's a comfort to know That you'll always be there! - For all of the times You packed us a lunch, I want you to know That we love
dr230514 -- you a bunch! * * - You make us remember Our thank-you's and pleases. You're here with a hanky When one of us sneezes! - And just one more thing. I must say with repentance, When I'm around you... I can't - * You can't WHAT?? ...finish a
dr230514 -- sentence!
dr230515 -- WALLY Breakfast, Wally! - I used to think breakfast was a lot like dinner... - But now I know better! - It's EXACTLY like dinner!
dr230516 -- I often feel alone and plagued with self-doubt. - Take heart, Norm... - Everyone else doubts you, too, so you never need to feel alone. - You're a good friend, Neil. I try.
dr230517 -- This year, major league baseball made rule changes to speed up the game. - Like what? - There's a pitch clock, a limit on pickoff attempts... - And in the 9th inning, there's a two-minute watning that reminds teams to finish up!
dr230518 -- What other new rules has baseball enacted to speed up the game? Umpires can now call strikes on ridiculously bad pitches. - Haven't they always done that? Yeah, but now it's encouraged after 9 P.M.!
dr230519 -- Are there any other new baseball rules to help speed up the games? Yes, Norm. - Umpires must now park in spaces that have a 2 1/2-hour limit. - All public address announcers must be able to speak 125 words per minute. - And they changed "take
dr230519 -- me out of the ball game" to "take me home from the ball game."
dr230520 -- Why did baseball make all these rules to speed up the game? - Baseball was perfect the way it was! - IS ANYONE IN A HURRY TO GET HOME?? - ...besides us? We better go now so we can beat the traffic! It's only the sixth inning!
dr230521 -- Just what I need! A pullup bar! - This is a great opportunity to stretch my sore back! - Too much sitting can cause back pain! It's good to stretch it out now and then! - All I have to do is hang here for a few seconds... - And trhe force of
dr230521 -- gravity will pull everything down! - Well, that's a start, I guess!
dr230522 -- Kids, as a rule of thumb, you shouldn't snack before bedtime! - Then again, what does my thumb know?
dr230523 -- There! I put a sticky note on the door so I won't leave without my wallet again! - But what if I forget to read the sicky note? - There! A sticky note to remind me to read the other sticky note! But what if... -
dr230524 -- Ralph, I've told you before...don't snack before bedtime! I don'T1 - I snack AFTER bedtime! Z
dr230525 -- Wally, guess which hand the cookie is in! - sniff sniff - It's in your stomach! He's good!
dr230526 -- Ralph, I've told you a thousand times...you should not eat snacks an hour before you go to bed! I'm not, honeybunch! - I'm eating snacks 16 hours after I got OUT of bed!
dr230527 -- Here are some snacks to enjoy while you're watching the game. Try not to spoil your dinner! - Oops, I forgot salsa! -
dr230528 -- Wow! - Wow, what? This baseball clip is really cool! - Let me see it! Oh...I mean, it's no big deal. Forget about it! - I don't WANT to forget about it! Let me see! - Well, OK...it's a clip of a batter who just got his first major league hit.
dr230528 -- He's standing on first base, looking emotional. - Oh, that's so sweet! - Why did you hesitate to show it to me? Oh...no reason. - Did they give him the ball? What did he do with it? Were his parents in the stadium? Did they cry? How old is
dr230528 -- he? How long did he play in the minors? Is he married? Sigh...
dr230529 -- How do you like your dogs, dad? - More obedient!
dr230530 -- Hey, Wally! Would you like to go to the dog park? Meh. - Why doesn't that excite you? The whole world is a dog park!
dr230531 -- You're wrong, Ralph. There is not a 100% chance of rain today. - There's only a 70% chance! - I stand corrected. - With all the standing corrected I do, you'd think I'd have better posture!
dr230601 -- scratch scratch scratch! - Ralph, we need to de-fela Oogie! - BOO! - That should be good for a few months!
dr230602 -- AH-HA! - According to this website, you're wrong, and I'M RIGHT! - - She puts away her phone like Zorro puts away his sword!
dr230603 -- The usual, Ralph? You know it! - I saved your favorite donuts for you, Mr. Drabble! - I made your burger just the way you like it, Ralph! - How can you stand to eat the same thing every day?
dr230604 -- Ahh! My favorite time of the evening! - The house is finally quiet! - Time to turn on an old movie and enjoy a little ALONE TIME! - Just the seven of us! - Seven?? - You, me, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, and Wordle!
dr230605 -- Ralph, I know it's good to get away on a cruise, but I miss our family! I'll be so happy to get back home! - Honeybunch, we haven't even UNPACKED yet! I'll just sit here and look at pictures of Wally.
dr230606 -- It's always fun to see everyone dressed up for formal night. How do you like my tux, honeybunch? - It's great, but lose the life vest! You're the one who made me watch that scary safety video!
dr230607 -- YOU again?? Oh, all right. - Here. Soft Serve ICE CREAM You know, if you'd make them a little bigger, I wouldn't come back every 10 minutes!
dr230608 -- Everyone who works on a cruise ship seems to have a day job and an evening job. - The bartender is also the Maitre d'at the dinner restaurant! - The clerk in the snack shop is also a dancer in the nightly show! - How about you? What's your
dr230608 -- other job? Captain.
dr230609 -- I'll bet a lot of this buffet food goes to waste. - None of it goes to waste on a cruise ship! - Whatever is left over gets made into something else! - I guess this explains this egg roll, sauerkraut and refried bean pizza!
dr230610 -- Why did they have to show that scary movie tonight, Ralph? I won't sleep tonight! - It was just a dumb movie about a giant octopus. It wasn't that scary! - GAAAAHH! - I hate it when our steward makes towel animals!
dr230611 -- Boarding the Cruise Welcome aboard! Thank! We're so glad to have you! Thank you! - Leaving the Cruise Don't let the door hit you on the way out, Mr. Drabble! I'm still waiting for those extra towels I asked for! I hope you left some ice cream
dr230611 -- for the new people! After 10 days at sea, we're all ready to say goodbye!
dr230612 -- Boy, it's good to be home! - Did you guys bring home any souvenirs from your cruise ship? - Just a couple! She got a little carried away at the art auction!
dr230613 -- Where did you go on your cruise, dad? - The buffet. - I mean besides that! - The dessert bar! Look, I took pictures!
dr230614 -- We bought a home in a place we love. We've fille dit with things that make us happy. - It's comfortable. We share it with people we love. - Everything we could ever want is right here! - As I was saying, I booked us on another cruise! Not
dr230614 -- again!
dr230615 -- Have you seen today's paper, Ralph? - Inflation is a nightmare! - Tell me about it! Can't you get this ball a little bigger, dad?
dr230616 -- At least the pool is ready for the kids! - I think I'd rather have the pool over there!
dr230617 -- May I take your order, please? - ROWF! Oh, hi, Wally! The usual? - ROWF! OK, that'll be $7.50 at the first window! - Wally and I come here a lot! Oops! I forgit to say "Hold the Onions"!
dr230618 -- The mail came, Ralph! It looks like my aunt sent you a Father's Day card! That's nice! - - Why did you throw it away?? It's just another card. She loves to send cards! - Even if I opened it, I'd throw it away! It's the thought that counts! -
dr230618 -- My aunt said that she put something inside the card! Maybe you should open it! - Oh! Well, why didn't you say so?! - What did she put in it?? - Confetti!
dr230619 -- Why are you eating a donut? - It's my reward for going to get my annual checkup! - You annual checkup isn't until next week! OK, it's a PRE-ward!
dr230620 -- DONE! - I timed myself to see how quickly I could finish a crossword puzzle... - Let's see... - Four days, nine hours!
dr230621 -- Your dad spent hours blowing up those pool toys for you! - Why aren't you playing with them? - They're all full of dad's breath!
dr230622 -- I had a rough childhood, I tell ya. It was rough! - How rough was it? It was so rough, I got kicked out of home school!
dr230623 -- Stop following me around, Wally! - You always seem to think it's either mealtime or naptime! - That's true. - Notice that I'm not asleep!
dr230624 -- When I see the old sitcoms now, I realize some of the actors weren't as old as I thought they were. - Ethel Mertz is way younger than I thought she was! - Aunt Bee wasn't that old, either! - From certain angles, even Granny Clampett... You
dr230624 -- may be dur for an eye exam.
dr230625 -- Great soccer game, girls! - Now, everyone line up, put out your hand and give the other teamm a high-five! - SLAP! SLAP! ? SLAP! SLAP! - NOBODY HIGH-FIVED ME!
dr230626 -- Ralph, it's one in the morning! Why are you eating pizza in the middle of the night?! One A.M. is not in the middle of the night! - The sun sets at Nine P.PM. and rises at Five A.M.! Therefore, the middle of the night is exactly... - OK, so
dr230626 -- what if it IS the middle of the night??!
dr230627 -- Supermarket We know you're excited, Mr. Drabble, but we won't start selling Halloween candy until next month. - I'll text you the moment it arrives! Promise?
dr230628 -- What a windstorm! It's hot, relentless, and it smells AWFUL! - PLEASe TELL ME IT'S A DREAM! - Please tell me it's a dream! pant pant pant!
dr230629 -- Oogie - Oogie! It's dinner-time! - SCREECH! - Meow.
dr230630 -- - - Lookin' good! - So much for my six-month dental exam!
dr230701 -- We'd love a selfie! Who can blame you? -
dr230702 -- - GRRRR! - - BALM! POP! RIP SHRED POPSNARL BLAM GROWL - Summer is a blast! Don't eat my pool noodle!
dr230703 -- Dad, I decided to do a good deed every day and not tell a soul! Great! - So don't ask me what good deed I did today because I won't tell you! OK. - Especially don't ask if I helped an old man put his groceries in his car. I won't. - And don't
dr230703 -- ask me if I accidentally slammed the trunk on his hand, 'cause I didn't mean to! ...Sigh...
dr230704 -- What kind of fireworks did you get? A piccolo pete, some snakes, whistlers... - Spinners, a few samokers and a couple of punks! Sounds like your dad's last family reunion!
dr230705 -- How was your softball game, Ralph? We were narrowly defeated. - We only lost by 26 runs! - Losing by 26 runs is NOT a close game? - You've obviously never seen a game in the adult softball league!
dr230706 -- Honeybunch, please! It makes me nervous when you read over my stomach!
dr230707 -- - Hmmm... - - Looks like I'm right-footed. I was asking in regards to soccer!
dr230708 -- DONUTS - CLAP CLAP CLAP  CLAP CLAP  CLAP CLAP I might be the only person who gets a standing ovation at the donut shop!
dr230709 -- It's washday! - - - - - - When you don't have a laundry chute, you have to improvise!
dr230710 -- Oops! - skattle skattle skattle - WHIRRRRRR - Sorry, Wally. Robots are taking everyone's job! burp!
dr230711 -- A robot vacuum might beat me to the crumbs on the floor... WHIRRR - But it can't take the place of a warm puppy sitting with you on the couch! . Right? Aaahh! I love a good scalp massage!
dr230712 -- UNCLE MIKE'S DONUTS Sorry, Ralph, We're CLOSED - - Aunt Cindie's Donuts Come in, Ralph! We're OPEN! It's nice that all the donut shops personalize their signs for me!
dr230713 -- Mornin'! Ralph, for heaven' sake! - Didn't you look at yourself in the mirror this morning? - - What's the problem?
dr230714 -- FAMILY DOCTOR You've added a few pounds, Mr. Drabble. - Yes, but there are factors to consider. doctor. - My shoes, my clothes, my wallet, my keys, my phone, my wedding rinf... - And that huge pizza I ate for lunch!
dr230715 -- How was your golf game, Ralph? Well, I started with a bogey, a double-bogey and a tripple-bogey... - Then things took a turn for the worse.
dr230716 -- I love this new French restaurant, Norman! CHEZ PLEASE - C'est magnifique! OK...MAGNIFIQUE! - What? Oh, you thought I said "SAY magnifique!" - C'EST means "It IS." - MEANS IT IS! ...Sigh... - No! I mean...uhhh... - Oh, forget it! I give up!
dr230716 -- Whatever! - C'est la vie! LA VIE!
dr230717 -- Dang! - I hate it when I put things in a safe place and then forget where the safe place is! - Oh, well...I guess it doesn't matter. - I can't remember what I put in there anyway!
dr230318 -- Dad, instead of texting the words "ha ha," just use the laughing emoji! - I know old people like to make things complicated, but an emoji is so much siompler! - How's thet? Better, but always use mor ethan one, or people will think you didn't
dr230318 -- laugh much.
dr230719 -- Mind if I... ...finish my fries? Go right ahead! - We make a good team. You finish my fries, I finish your sentences! I get the... ...best of that deal?
dr230720 -- WALLY Go back to bed, Wally! - It's not time to wake up and eat breakfast! I can eat breakfast in my sleep, if that's helpful.
dr230721 -- Tsk tsk tsk! - Tsk tsk tsk! - ZZYZX! Tsk tsk tsk! Mom's good at multitasking!
dr230722 -- Is your dog friendly? Yes. - GRRRRRRR! - Unless you smell like a badger!
dr230723 -- We need to be alert on this trail, Echo! - I've heard reports of rattlesnakes around here. - WHOA! WHAT'S THAT UP THERE! - IT LOOKS LIKE A SNAKE! It's not moving! - Oh, it's just a squiggly tree root! - Nothing to fear! It can't hurt anybody!
dr230723 -- Whew! - TRIP! Well, it can't hurt MOST people!
dr230724 -- Where are you going, Norm? I got a new job as a lifeguard at the community pool! - I've never seen a lifeguard wearing floaties. "Safety first" is my motto.
dr230725 -- Have no fear, kids... - I'm a professional lifeguard, and I'm here if you need me! - How come you're not sitting up there? I'm afraid of heights.
dr230726 -- - SPLOOSH! - NO CANNONBALLS, DAD!
dr230727 -- FWEEEEET! - EMERGENCY!! EVERYBODY OUT OF THE POOL!!! - Oh, it's inflatable?? Sorry, my bad!
dr230728 -- Oh, no! - - That's the second time I've dropped my phone in the pool!
dr230729 -- Help! Help! - - SPLOOSH! - Sorry, false alarm. I think you may have lost these.
dr230730 -- - - - Boys, stop giggling! - That's impolite when you're at church! - Isn't watching a ball game inside your hymnal kind of impolite? Not if the sound is off!
dr230721 -- beep beep boop! - Hello. If this call is an emergency, hang up and call 9-1-1. - Otherwise, listen carefully to our list of instructions. - They sure make it hard to order a pizza nowadays. They want everyone to use the app.
dr230801 -- THWACK - - Even though dad drives a golf cart, he still gets a pretty good workout! NO! GO LEFT! GO LEFT!
dr230802 -- THWACK - Please, not in the water! Oh, please, please, please! - SPLOINK Every golf-course prayer ends with a sound effect!
dr230803 -- Norm, I bought you some golf shoes! - They fasten with a velcro strap! - Now you won't look like a goof because your shoelaces are always untied! Thanks! -
dr230804 -- Wally, go away! I need to go outside! - SIGH... - Well? Are you going to go or not? I just wanted to look at the stars!
dr230805 -- - - How do I look, honeybunch? You may not be jacked, but at least you have a spare tire!
dr230806 -- Guess what, honeybunch! I was driving home from work, and I glanced down at the odometer, and... Speaking of cars, I hate our fuel gauge. - It's so small, I always forget to look at it. - My friend, Carrie, has a car like ours, and she hates
dr230806 -- the fuel gauge, too! - Maybe we should trade it in! - We could go car shopping any night next week except thursday. -Thursday is my book club meeting, and I haven't finished reading the book yet! - I probably shouldn't go on wednesday,
dr230806 -- either. - So, anyway, I was driving home from work, and I looked down at the odometer...
dr230807 -- Hi, honeybunch! DON'T STEP ON THE ENTRYMAT! - DON'T STEP ON THE ENTRYMAT?? Well, it's brandnew!
dr230808 -- Whoa! Look at all the hair in your sink! - It's normal for men my age to start losing hair! - What's all the other stuff in there? - Brain cells and car keys.
dr230809 -- Z Norman, get up off the floor! - NORM! - Z -
dr230810 -- Wally, I always give you a big breakfast and a big dinner. - Why do you act hungry all the time? - I eat breakfast at nine and dinner at five. There are eight hours in between. - That's hours in dog years!
dr230811 -- Ralph, I can't believe you would rather watch a ball game than go with me visit my mother! I think you're being selfish. - That's all I have to say about it! - Something tells me that won't be all she has to say about that... And another
dr230811 -- thing...
dr230812 -- I bought us all VIP tickets for the amusement park! - They were more expensive, but we won't have to wait in the regular lines for rides! - You should've bought the *V*VIP tickets! -> VIP Line -> VVIP Line
dr230813 -- 21st CENTURY BASEBALL STADIUM CUISINE My favorite treat is nachos in a helmet! I like the churros in a baseball shoe! I love the ramen in an outfielder's glove! I'm kind of sorry I got the frozen yogurt in a sweat sock!
dr230814 -- HOW TO MAKE YOUR DOG HAPPY - Use up a roll of paper towels. whiff! - Want to play with this? YES! YES! YES! YES!
dr230815 -- HOW TO MAKE YOUR DOG HAPPY - Look at him... - - But don't stare.
dr230816 -- HOW TO MAKE YOUR DOG HAPPY - Invite him to go for a ride in the car... - But reassure him you're not driving him to the vet!
dr230817 -- HOW TO MAKE YOUR DOG HAPPY - Tell him that he absolutely, positively may not jump in the pool! - The only words I understood were JUMP IN THE POOL!
dr230818 -- HOW TO MAKE YOUR DOG HAPPY - Never leave hom alone. whimper - I suppose we could just watch the game on TV!
dr230319 -- HOW TO MAKE YOUR DOG HAPPY - Always remember those special words... WALLY - Look! Doggie bags!
dr230820 -- - - DIG DIG DIG - - How on earth... - FLADDLE-ADDLE-APP! - - HEY!! There just aren't enough days in the dog days of summer!
dr230821 -- HOW TO MAKE YOUR CAT HAPPY - Oogie - sniff sniff sniff - You Can't. But keep trying!
dr230822 -- Hey, Steinbauer! I thought you had a fake lawn! I do! - I also have a fake lawnmower!
dr230823 -- BULK CLUB Membership Warehouse Why is the snack bar line so long? Because now we have to order and pay on a touch screen... - So they laid off most of their snack bar employees. Have I mentioned how much I hate 2023? Almost as often as you
dr230823 -- said you hated 2022!
dr230824 -- Remember, Norm, you're a rich man if you have a roof over your head, a family that loves you, and food on the table! - Well, we DID have food on the table! - WALLY! COME BACK WITH THE ROAST!!
dr230825 -- mumble mumble mumble - Did you say something? I was talking to the vacuum. WHIRRRRR
dr230826 -- GO GEt IT! - Cats don't fall for fake throws. - GO GET IT! - Or even real throws.
dr230827 -- I hate tying ties! Let me show you the easy way, Norm! - Lay your tie on your arm like this! - Take the other end and loop itover three times! - Reach underneath the first loop, grab the second loop and pull it all the way up! - You can just
dr230827 -- put it over your head, and you're ready to go! Now YOU try do it! - Clip-ons might be the way to go in the future.
dr230828 -- Yikes! Look, dad! - Thiis awful! Why would anyone post a thing like this? - Good heavens! Why would anyone want to share that?? - Look, honeybunch!
dr230829 -- Dad, I want to take Echo to that new shake place. - You know, the one with enormous shakes filled with candy and toppings. - How do I get there? Do you know the address? - 5000 Calorie Drive.
dr230930 -- Who wants to go to Grandma's house? WE DO! Let's go! - Mom, when you're old, are you gonna be like Gramma, where you love the grandkids more than the actual kids?
dr230831 -- We must be getting close to autumn. - Things are turning orange. - Especially his fingers! Cheese puffs are on sale this week!
dr230901 -- Wally, HEEL! - Huh? Dogs don't have heels! - I said HEEL! Heal what? I'm not sick! - OK, then...DROP IT! Good, because I have no idea what you're talking about!
dr230902 -- Wally, speak! - ROWF ROWF ROWF! - ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF BARK BARK ... I said SPEAK, not SPEECH!
dr230903 -- - - HALT! - NEVER! - - - I will never again let you guys beat me to the donut shop! Just leave us some sprinkled long johns!
dr230904 -- I'm always sad when summer ends. Me, too. - I'll miss the barbecues, swimming in the pool... - Watching fireworks, going on picnics and decorating the Christmas tree. - I can't wait for fall, when she starts dyeing the Easter eggs!
dr230905 -- Norman, will you do some vacuuming, please? - Just do places where there's heavy traffic! -
dr230906 -- How am I supposed to enjoy my dinner when he looks at me with those big, sad eyes?! - You're so annoying, Ralph! How long do you have to stay on this 1,200-calorie diet, dad?
dr230907 -- DON'T MAKE ME BARK! - I like our new welcome mat! It repels badgers and solicitors!
dr230908 -- - - SLASH - Never read a pop-up book with a cat!
dr230909 -- Is it true that you used to be a caterpillar? - Yes, and wenn I emerged from my cocoon, I had turned into a beautiful butterfly! - You must have been sad. Sad about what? - You didn't turn into a dachshund!
dr230910 -- Have a seat, honeybunch! - It's nice to sit together in our back yard like we used to? - Why has it been so long since we've done this? I can't imagine! - I love our backyard! Me, too! - You need to trim that tree, though. And how come the
dr230910 -- grass isn't greener? Do you water it enough? - The flower bed it being overtaken by weeds! Why don't you... - How about if we go watch something on TV now? When's the last time you painted the fence?
dr230911 -- I'm going outside for some fresh air, dad! You can't go outside, Norm! It's DANGEROUS! We're having a TROPICAL STORM! - No worries. I'm wearing sangbags!
dr230912 -- PIZZA Echo, can I ask you a medical question? Well, I'm not a doctor, but I'll do my best! - Does this look like a scab, or did I stick my elbow into something gross? You may need to see a specialist.
dr230913 -- How was the movie? Stupid, but we enjoyed it! - It was time well wasted.
dr230914 -- Dad, I'm thinking of taking Echo to the movies tomorrow. - Did you like the movie you saw with mom last night? - Actually, I missed a lot of it. How come? - The popcorn and soda were refillable.
dr230915 -- Wally, HEEL! - I said HEEL! Huh? - Sorry, I'm not following. - You don't understand "heel"? No, I'm just not following!
dr230916 -- Rottweiler, German Shepherd, Airedale... - Labrador, Golden Retriever... - Dog breeds have the most dignified names! - Said the Wiener Dog.
dr230917 -- Wally, why do you smile all the time? - SCREECH! ZZYZX - - SNARF - Z ZZYZX - Wouldn't you?
dr230918 -- Someone left a pad of paper at our door! It's from a realtor. - What's it for? It goes next to our phone. We write messages on it! - Next to your phone?? Your phone is in your pocket! - And why would you WRITE a message when you can TEXT?? It
dr230918 -- probably wasn't a YOUNG realtor!
dr230919 -- Is there a drive-thru anywher einside this park? Yes, just three miles up the road! -
dr230920 -- Hang on...I have to answer a text. - There! * - Oops, hang on... - How far did you go on your walk? The end of our driveway.
dr230921 -- You're in charge of the kifd, Ralph. - I need a little ME_time! - Ther eis no "me" in "time". - Is there? All I know is, there are "eats" in "treats".
dr230922 -- ...Sigh... - - SIGH How can I make you more comfortable? - The things I do for my dog! WALLY
dr230923 -- Yawn! Why are you up so early, Ralph? - I'm going jogging. - It's time to get serious. - I need to get in shape for Halloween candy season! I admire your dedication.
dr230924 -- WALLY ZZYZX - - Z - - ZZZZ - - zzzyxx - TIME TO WAKE UP!! Wally's food dish doubles as an alarm clock!
dr230925 -- I'm reminded of a famous saying... - "People wo are...something or other... - Are the people who do...something or other." - I'm not sure that's exactly how it goes, though. You're certainly something or other!
dr230926 -- I am so dumd. I can't believe how dumb I am. Dumb, dumb, dumb. - Why am I so dumb? - How was your day, Norm? Oh, pretty average.
dr230927 -- FALL - FALL
dr230928 -- Dad, can I borrow your newspaper? Sure! - Most people your age just read their phones! - Newspaper readers tend to be a little more sophisticated and... RIP! - Thanks. I needed a place to stick my gum!
dr230929 -- CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH Hey! I felt one on my head! I'll bet it was beautiful! - By the way, I read somewhere that cartoonists dread autumn because it's so much work to draw falling leaves. - It really is odd that we're out looking for them at
dr230929 -- midnight!
dr230930 -- I haven't seen many autumn leaves falling this year! - I read that cartoonists hate drawing autumn leaves because it's so much work! - WORK?? What else do they have to do??! Maybe they should go get a REAL job!! - That's more like it!
dr231001 -- Wally, SIT! - - ROLL OVER! - - SPEAK! SHAKE HANDS! - Wally doesn't understand anything! - You have an appoint ment with the vet. - He understands SOME things!
dr231002 -- Now here's an article I need to read... - "How to stop procrastinating." - - I'll read it later.
dr231003 -- How could they be sold out ALREADY?? HALLOWEEN CANDY - What??
dr231004 -- - The only thing I hate about throwing a football through a tire... - Is climbing through to get it!
dr231005 -- Don't do it, Wally! - Never bark at falling leaves. You'll only make things... - ROWF! - ...worse.
dr231006 -- - I SMEARED MY MAKEUP! - STOP GOING OVER SPEED BUMPS!! Sorry. - Try to control your road rouge!
dr231007 -- ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF! - ROWF ROWF ROWF! I wish that dog would stop barking! Relax, dear. That's how dogs express concern. - What possible concerns could HE have?! I want you tu turn up the electric blanket!
dr231008 -- - - - - HE DID IT! - AND WE GOT IT ALL ON VIDEO! - RIGHT, NORM? I HAD THE SETTINGS ON PHOTO INSTEAD OF VIDEO. CAN YOU DO IT AGAIN?
dr231009 -- Why are you begging? I don't have anything to eat! - I'm just sitting here! I have no food! - What makes you think... - OK, here!
dr231010 -- May I help you? - GAAAAHHH!! - I should've never taken a job at this place! HALLOWEEN STORE
dr231011 -- Hello. GAAAAAHH!! - Don't scare me like that! SCARE you? You work in a HALLOWEEN STORE! - Sorry, thisplace is creepy! Don't you have any GUTS? - Yes, aisle 9!
dr231012 -- Ralph, you've been eating too much candy corn! - Says who?
dr231013 -- ? - WOOSH! - 
dr231014 -- Dad's having a nightmare! He often dreams about falling. - ...No!... Especially this time of year!
dr231015 -- Supermarket Good heavens! - That's a lot of Halloween candy! - It's important to be prepared! - If anything is left, I can always eat it myself! - You never know how many kids will show up at your door on Halloween night! - How many showed up
dr231015 -- last year? Two.
dr201016 -- Have you read about artificial intelligence? No. - If we rely too much on it, it could become a nightmare! - How can we avoid it? Beats me. - Let's ask Alexis.
dr231017 -- Here you go, Wally! - Now, don't just snarf it down! Take you time and enjoy it! - SNARF - Or at least wait until I put your dish on the floor!
dr231018 -- CAN WE CARVE THE PUMPKIN? - It's too early to carve the pumpkin!
dr231019 -- I'm telling you, "Abbott and Costello meet Frankenstein" is the scariest movie ever! - Go ahead, try to think of a scarier movie! - "The Ghost and M.r Chicken." - Whoa! You might be right! I'm always right!
dr231020 -- ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF - Relax, Wally! It's not Halloween yet! - Why are you always so jumpy arounf holidays? - Because they usually include visits from strange beings!
dr231021 -- - ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF! - GRRRRRR - You just have to show 'em who's boss!
dr231022 -- PUMPKINS - - - - - There's one in every crowd!
dr231023 -- Ha ha! Dad put a fake skeleton in the passenger seat of his car! - He's really got the Halloween spirit! - Look alive in case I want to use the carpool lane!
dr231024 -- YIKES! HE'S BACK! Who's back? - THE ABOMINABLE PUMPKINMAN! He appears on our front porch every year! - After Halloween, he escapes from the trash can and returns to HAUNT US! - Someone may have eaten too much candy corn!
dr231025 -- I'm telling you, that's The Abominable Pumpkinman! He's been here here before! - After Halloween, he escapes from the trash can and comes back to HAUNT us! - Please believe me, Echo! I believe you, Norman! I really do! - But I'd still like to
dr231025 -- hear from the fact-checkers!
dr231026 -- If anyone dares to throw away The Abominable Pumpkinman... - He will return... - To haunt that personforever and ever!! - Other than that, he's pretty nice.
dr231027 -- According to legend, the only way to get rid of The Abominable Pumpkinman is to run over him with a steamroller at midnight! - That might be difficult! Yeah, especially since my bedtime is 9:30!
dr231028 -- YIKES! - Now THAT'S scary! - A BADGE-R-Lantern!
dr231029 -- What are you going to be for Halloween, Patrick? - A zombie dentist! Good idea! - How about you, Penny? What are you going to be? Either a princess or a bowl of froot loops! - What are you going to be on Halloween, Norman? I never decide
dr231029 -- until the last minute. - What are you going to be on Halloween, dad? Out of candy.
dr231030 -- KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK! WALLY - ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF! - TRICK OR TREAT!! - Did somebody say TREAT??
dr231031 -- Trick or treat! Sorry. I ate all the candy, but maybe I can find more! - Yes! Some candy corn between the couch cushions! - - Sorry, I couldn't find any more!
dr231101 -- Halloween is over. - Are you going to throw away the Abominable Pumpkinman? No way. - Legend has it that every year he returns to haunt the person who threw him away! - Maybe we can incorporate him into the Christmas decorations! Fa *
dr231101 -- Lalalala.
dr231102 -- Steinbauer! Hello, Ralph. - As president of the H.O.A., I hereby remind you it is now November! So? - It's time to throw away your rotten pumpkin! That's not my pumpkin. - It's the Abominable Pumpkinman. He returns from the trash can to haunt
dr231102 -- people. The excuses I hear!
dr231103 -- I can't throw away that rotten Jack-o'-Lantern, Steinbauer! - The Abominable Pumpkinman always returns from the trash can to haunt the person who threw him away! - Well, if you won't do it, I will! DEAL!
dr231104 -- Don't throw away that Jack-o'-Lantern, Mr. Steinbauer! - That's the Abominable Pumpkinman! - According to the legend, he'll return to haunt whoever throws him away. I'm not scared. - I threw him into YOUR trash can!
dr231105 -- Hello? Hi, dad. I think I've lost my phone! I can't find it anywhere! - Did you check your pockets? Yes! - I also looked in the car between the couch and the cushions! - But son, if you lost your phone, how could you be... - I have an idea!
dr231105 -- Call my phone, and maybe I'll hear it ring! - Well...OK... - beep beep beep - Oops, hang on! I'm getting another call! ...Sigh...
dr231106 -- I think I'm an introvert. - There ar emore introverts in the world than most people realize! - Maybe I should organize a big get-together! - We could meet new friends! I'm not so sure you're an introvert!
dr231107 -- - - - Our walk-in closet has turned into a cram-in closet!
dr231108 -- Turn off the computer, Norman! - Watching screens before bedtime makes it hard to fall asleep! - Better wake dad up and tell him! ZZYZX
dr231109 -- What's wrong with your swearpants? The drawstring came halfway out, and I can't get it back in! - You sure have strange problems. It's only HALFWAY OUT??
dr231110 -- It was literally the worst thing ever! - Don't misuse the word "literally." It was not LITERALLY the worst thing ever. - That's one of the common mistakes that drives me crazy! - Well, irregardless of that... And that's the other one!
dr231111 -- Wally, did you do this?! Yes. I mean NO! - Sorry, I had me confused with somebody else!
dr231112 -- Where is he? - I'll bet he's asleep in the den! - If he's taking a nap while I do all the housework, I'm going to be steamed! - ZZYZX! - CREAK! - Oh, there you are. I expected you to be asleep on the couch! - Are you OK? - Just a little
dr231112 -- light-headed from all the hard work I've been doing!
dr231113 -- It says there's a new moon tonight! A new moon? Let's go outside and see it! - I liked the old moon better!
dr231114 -- - - - Staring contest!
dr231115 -- ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF!! Protected by a Wiener Dog WALLY! BE QUIET! - I can't hear myself think! Try to think louder!
dr231116 -- Remember the... Yeah, how could I forget? - And then... I know, I know... - Sometimes I don't... Me, neither. - Married couples save a lot of time on small talk!
dr231117 -- - WALLY - Why did you put your sweatpants in Wally's bed? - They'll be nice and warm tomorrow morning!
dr231118 -- - - - I'm losing it. Don't worry. I'm here for you.
dr231119 -- My sister just told me a funny story... - When we were little girls, our mother... - YIKEs! A CHEESE PUFF! ** ** :-) * !! ... - She warned me never to eat on her new couch! If she sees it, I'll be in deep trouble! - I'*m going to have to
dr231119 -- THINK FAST!! :-) !! ** :-) * - SMOOCH! - What got into YOU??? A cheese puff!
dr231120 -- I'm thankful for the life I get to experience! - I'm thankful for the things I've learned! - I'm thankful for opportunities to do good everywhere! - Almost everywhere.
dr231121 -- So, what are yuo thankful for, Norm? - - - Besides you? * * * That took you WAY too long!
dr231122 -- Honeybunch, the thing that I'm most thankful for is our family. - LET GO! I SAW IT FIRST! IT'S MY TURN! That's my story, and I'm sticking to it!
dr231123 -- Why, thank you, Wally! - Hi, Wally! - You're so nice, Wally! - For dogs, every day is Thanksgiving!
dr231124 -- Thanksgiving i a day of peace, love and gratitude. - So why is it followed immediately by Black Friday, which is a celebration of the complete opposite? - You're starting to ask good questios, son! And also, why does Taco Tuesday never fall
dr231124 -- on a Monday?
dr231125 -- Thanksgiving is over. - We all know what's next... - BRING IT ON!
dr231126 -- Here's the paper! What's the weather like? - I don't know. Weren't you just outside? - Yes. Well, was it warm? Was it cold? Did it look like rain? Was it windy? - I need to know how I should dress when we go out for our sunday walk! - Well,
dr231126 -- let's see...I don't remember anything unusual. I guess it was pretty fair. - Thank you. That's all I need to know. I'll wear a light sweater. - Next time, just check your weather app! I guess artificial intelligence is better than none at
dr231126 -- all!
dr231127 -- FWEEDLE-EEP! - What's that sound? I'm not sure. - It's either the oven timer, the dishwasher is ready, the dryer is done, the robot vacuum is stuck, the refrigerator door is ajar or... Did anyone hear my quesadilla maker?
dr231128 -- I give up. I'll never play golf again! Why do I bother? I stink. I hate golf. I hereby retire. putt! - Great putt, dad! - I'd like the same tee time next week! tokkle okkle
dr231129 -- Wally gets nervous when we're near the vet's office! How does he know? - He must recognize the building!
dr231130 -- I don't get it. I have so many reading glasses, and tey've all disappeared! - Where did they go? - - Sorry. I prefer to steal your socks, but I couldn't find any! 
dr231201 -- Bring it insde carefully! - ...Sigh... - I told you it was too big!
dr231202 -- skattle skattle skattle - - You're not running anymore. - Oh, yeah. Huh!
dr231203 -- Monday A pat on the head. - Tuesday Throw a ball! - Wednesday Share your chips! - Thursday Go for a walk! - Friday Or a ride! - Saturday Letting me sit with you! - It doesn't take much to make my day!
dr231204 -- Oof! TRIP! - If you'd tie your shoelaces, you wouldn't trip so often! - Oof! TRIP! Same goes for your sweatpants, Ralph!
dr231205 -- Darn! Your dad wants a bowling ballfor Christmas. - But the shipping costs are outrageous! - So I found another one, but it won't ship until after Christmas! - He's a hard man to ship for!
dr231206 -- Some of our neighbors have movie-themed Christmas decorations. - You know...like 'Toy Story', 'Nemo', 'Frozen'...maybe we could do that! Good idea! - 'Tangled'!
dr231207 -- Pizza, cheese puffs, junk food, donuts, leftover Halloween candy, ice cream, stomach antacid... - I can't believe the supermarket honored you wit your own aisle! I've spent a lot of money here. Ralph Drabble Stuff
dr231208 -- Peace on Earth Why are you baking cookies for MR. STEINBAUER?? Because it's Christmas! - But we don't like him! Christmas isn't just about being nice to people we like... - It's also about being nice to people we don't like. KNOCK KNOCK -
dr231208 -- Merry Christmas, Ralph! See? He doesn't like us, either!
dr231209 -- WHOA! Does that mean you've gotten heavier? - I prefer to think of it as being UPSCALE!
dr231210 -- KNOCK KNOCK! - Hello! - * We wish you a merry Christmas! We wish you a merry Christmas! We wish you a merry Christmas... ** - AND A * HAPPY NEW YEAR! * - OK, text that video to all the neighbors! Boy, you're lazy!
dr231211 -- The best thing about decorating the tree: Sitting back afterward and enjoying your work! - I KNEW we should've bought that other tree! Some of us enjoy it more than others!
dr231212 -- - Hmmm... - I forgot what I was looking for in here... - But I'm sure I'll find something!
dr231213 -- - - - If they think I'm going to be nicer because they put my face on all the ornaments, they're sadly mistaken!
dr231214 -- - WHAT...WHY...HOW DID... It was just the darndest thing.
dr231215 -- May I have my sweatpants back? - You're right, dad. They're really warm!
dr231216 -- WOOFPH! - Can I help you?
dr231217 -- Wow! Look at your reflection in the ornaments! - - It's like lookinng at a fun house mirror! Oh, yeah! It makes you look all distorted! - - - - - You don't look that much different, dad.
dr231218 -- OK, Norman...I bought that gift you wanted to give your dad... - I also bought your gifts for Patrick and Penny... - And for Echo and Wally and me. Thanks, mom. - It's nice to be finally done with my Christmas shopping!
dr231219 -- Steinbauer and Cactus Jack! My worst enemies! Why did you darken my door? - * JOY TO THE WORLD.. ** Which one's Cactus Jack?
dr231220 -- It's so nice of you two to come sing to me! - It makes me want to join you! Maybe as we sing to people, our choir will grow! - OK, this is getting out of hand!
dr231221 -- * DASHING THROUGH THE SNOW.. * OUCH!! DON'T CROWD ME! Sorry. Sing the song! - Jingle Jingle Jingle Who invited the college mascot?? ME! Caroling with this group might not have been a great idea!
dr231222 -- - - - Oops.
dr231223 -- What a way to spend Christmas eve eve! - I'm stuck in a huge traffic jam with my entire family, listening to Christmas music. - * RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER * Hopefully the traffic won't break up for a while!
dr231224 -- WALLY Z - - ZZZ - TAPPITY TAP! TAPPITY TAP! TAPPITY TAP TAP TAP! - ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF - I never shoud've given tap shoes to DANCER! ROWF ROWF ROWF ROWF!
dr231225 -- Yay! Santa athe the cookies we left for him! - He also ate all the leftover pizza! Maybe the poor man was hungry!
dr231226 -- -Cat Litter -Large Container of coleslaw - -Gallon of paint -Theater popcorn - 12-piece fried chicken What are you doing? - I read that everyone should make a bucket list!
dr231227 -- Bye, honeybunch! - Ralph, your hair is a mess, and your tie is crooked! - Don't you ever look in the mirror? - If you were me, would you look in the mirrir? Good point.
dr231228 -- Guess which hand the rock is in! - What rock? - This one. - That hand! DANG!
dr231229 -- Since we're at ared light, will you check the weather on your phone? - It's illegal to look at a cell phone while behind the wheel, even at a red light! - I would never look at a phone while driving! - Green light! HONK! Partly cloudy.
dr231230 -- 202 3 Honeybunch, please join me for a little New Year's Eve toast! - POP Mr. Excitement.
dr231231 -- - So long, old friend. - I'll never forget how excited I was to bring you home! - I'll never forget how good you smelled, and how you made me happy! - Thank you so much! - Gee, dad, I've never seen anyone get so emotional about throwing away
dr231231 -- a Christmas tree! Sniff! - I was talking to the pizza box!
dr240101 -- I won't do it! - My New Year's resolution is to stop beggin at the table. - Luckily, some people eat on the couch!
dr240102 -- - Ha! You'll never hit me! I can always get out of the way! - BOOF! - The old knuckle snowball!
dr240103 -- Nothing like hot chocolate on a cold winter day! Careful, it's hot! - - SLURP - WHOA! STILL HOT!! - You need to give it more than 2.5 seconds, dear!
dr240104 -- Patrick! What's up with your hair?? I'm just having a bad hair day. - Looks like you also had a BAD HAT day!
dr240105 -- - Why did your ears flap up? I was FRIGHTLED! - "Frightled"?? It's a cross between FRIGHTENED and STARTLED. - Now I'm HUNGREEPY. Z
dr240106 -- I'm home! - - Why are you eating snow? How many times do I have to tell everyone to blow on the hot chocolate?
dr240107 -- Time for you boys to put away our Christmas lights. Will do, dad! - - - - I always wondered how our lights got tangled every year!
dr240108 -- Every year we say we should buy a fake tree after Christmas, when they go on sale... - And every year we chikcken out. - I say let's BUY IT! I agree! - Ehh, let's think about it a little more. That's probably wise.
dr240109 -- Sorry, Wally...you have to go for a walk even though it's a cold morning in January. - FIIIVE GOOLLD RINGS** OK, guys, it's a long song, but this is getting ridiculous!
dr240110 -- Say what you want about all the snow... - It makes the ice-cream shop look even better!
dr240111 -- WALLY Z - ROWF! - - Hope I didn't startle you!
dr240112 -- Mom, where's dad? He's probably hiding. - How did you find me? I followed the trail of donut sprinkles.
dr240113 -- - - Why do you always follow me around? I go where the work is!
dr240114 -- Let's see if anyone is home... KNOCK KNOCK - ROWF ROWF ROWF!! Wally, relax! - Nobody's at the door! That was just a TV show! - You  must learn  to differentiate between real ive and a TV show! - Somehow, I need to teach yu what's real and
dr240114 -- what ins't. - Now, look...those people on TV are just actors! They're pretending! Nothing is real! - The guy who plays the murderer is about to ring the doorbell of an unsuspecting grandma, and...and... - DING DONG! ROWF ROWF ROWF! DON'T
dr240114 -- ANSWER IN, GRANNY!!
dr240115 -- Hey, Norm, how many cats does it take to ruin your day? I give up, dad. How many? - One.
dr240116 -- Ralph, where are you going so early? The post office. - They don't open until eight! I know. - There's always a twenty-minute wait. I'll get there at 7:30 so I'll be first in the line! You're going to stand around for half an hour so you
dr240116 -- won't have to stand around for twenty minutes? I'll bring a magazine.
dr240117 -- I've sorted your ties, Ralph, so you can finally throw some away! - Your nice ties are in one pile, and your old, stupid, ugly ties are in the other! Which is which?
dr240118 -- ...Sigh... - You're here!! - Oh, joy! I always worry you'll never come back! I just went to the bathroom!
dr240119 -- OK, let's go build a snowman! Why do you look so lumpy? - Neck warmer!
dr240120 -- - - At least the snow isn't all over our yard anymore!
dr240121 -- WALLY Z - Wake up, Wally. It's time to go outside! Zzz - I know it's a cold january day, and you're nice and warm. - But a little cold never hurt anybody! - So, like it or not, I'm taking you outside! - - Norman ,take the dog outside. Better
dr240121 -- yet, take the CAT outside!
dr240122 -- Hey, everybody! I'm ho... - OOF!! - You had me at HEY!
dr240123 -- My dogs gets so excited when I come home from work! - He waits by the front door so he can pounce on me and smother me with kisses. - I'll open the door just a crack and see if... - Maybe I'll sneak in through the upstairs window!
dr240124 -- Wally always pounces on me when I come home! - Help me out, Norm...you walk in first and distract him! OK. - WALLY Nice doggie! OOF! SLURP SLURP!
dr240125 -- Hi, Wally. It's just me. I know you get really excited when I come home. - I'm about to come in, so now that you've already seen me, please remain calm. OK, good boy. - OOF!! Sorry, dad, our video call froze up!
dr240126 -- My dog waits by the door to pounce on me when I come home. - Tonight I'll distract him by tossing in a doggie bone! - - OOF! You're so good to me!
dr240127 -- I still can't believe we have leftover gifts and goodies from the holidays! This smlells good! - YUK! That's a scented candle, Ralph!
dr240128 -- Come on, Norm! Try to throw a snowball past me! - - Into the windup... - Here's the pitch... - - BALK! Never try to throw a spit-snowball!
dr240129 -- I'm back! How was Grandma? - Fione, but she sure looks at her phone a lot! - That's a common problem these days no matter how old you are. Well, actually...
dr240130 -- I must be getting old. Everytime I drive anywhere, I get honked at! - Oh, Ralph, don't exaggerate! - HONK! - I even get honked at when I'm sitting in my living room! Hey! Watch where you're going!
dr240131 -- Since everyone honks at me when I drive, I've decided to do more walking. - HONK HONK HONK! HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK! - OH, SHUT UP! Don't yell at the geese, dear!
dr240201 -- "Then up popped his head, and he peeked like a squinter. Saw his shadow and said, 'Six more weeks of winter!'" - OK, now we can have our groundhog cookies! - I'm beginning to understand why Groundhog Day EVE never caught on!
dr240202 -- WALLY - - Six more weeks of winter! Punxsutawney Wally!
dr240203 -- I'm going to hang up our new festive house flag! - I think it captures te spirit of the season perfectly! Season? What season? - Cold and Flu Season!
dr240204 -- Believe it or not, when you kids were little, I'd sometimes have to carry you out of church when you got fuzzy! - But now things are different! WHEN IS THIS GONNA BE OVER??!
dr240205 -- Wait! What's going on in this movie?? I don't know. - Who's THAT guy?? I don't know. - What just happened?? I don't know. - You need to pay attetion when I'm texting!!
dr240206 -- Oh, Alexis, what's the weather like outside? - The outside is usually colder than the inside... - Except in summer, when it's usually warmer outside. It figures that our virtual assistant has artificial UNintelligence!
dr240207 -- Ralph! Don't eat chips when you're lying down! - You've probably got crumbs all over yourself! We can vacuum! - Good idea! WHIRRRRRRRRRRRRR
dr240208 -- - It's so much easier to jog with the wind at my back! - That's great, but I'm getting tired!
dr240209 -- whisper whisper psst psst - Shhh, here he comes! - tee-hee I hate it when she whispers with Alexis!
dr240210 -- Honeybunch, I know that some people like to include their pets in family photos... - But why are we including Alexis and the robot vacuum? Did I hear my name? They're part of the family, too!
dr240211 -- DRAGNET 714 I can't believe it, Ralph! Believer what? - I just spoke to aunt Hermina in Minnesota... - The Christmas card we sent her had a regular stamp on the envelope instead of a CHRISTMAS stamp!! - I gave you ONE JOB: To pu a CHRISTMAS
dr240211 -- STAMP on EVERY ENVELOPE! - I've never been so embarrassed in my life! - NEXT Christmas, I'll just do all myself! - We're still amazed how you got out of wrapping gifts in 2021! I'm glad you boys are paying attention!
dr240212 -- * VALENTINE'S DAY - - I'd like this one! It's yours! Happy Valentine's Day! - Mom picks out the card you give her? It works out better for everyone.
dr240113 -- I love these candy hearts! - Here's a good one! - "Puppy Love"... - Ain't that the truth!
dr240114 -- I LUV U - Well, I said I'd like a romantic dinner... I tried to spell out "Happy Valentine's Day," but I ran out of pepperonis!
dr240115 -- "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times..." What's goingon? - I'm reading " A Tale of Two Cities" to Wally. Why? - My teacher said that reading to your dog will make him ten times smarter! - If Wally were ten time smarter, he'd
dr240115 -- still be pretty dumb. Grrr!
dr240216 -- Do you really think it's good to read to the dog?? - That'swhat my teacher said! What if you read to the cat? - A cat would probably run away! - "Alas, poor Yorick!" Is the window open?
dr240217 -- No, Patrick, your teacher didn't say your dog would get smarter if you read to him every day... - She meant YOU would get smarter, not Wally! "Call me Ishmael."
dr240218 -- Z - Z*Z BAM! BAM - Z - BAM! bam BAM! bam - STAY OUT! - BAM! Oh no. - Why do you always have to bother me? I know where to find the crumbs! BAM WHIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
dr240219 -- Never pet a dog without asking first. - Mind if I pet you? - ROWF! - I meant, ask the owner. Grrr!
20240220 -- - - - I feel like the guy in the background of every photo that people want to edit out!
20240221 -- - - - GRRR! Not eveyone likes cat videos!
20240222 -- - I probably shouldn't look at my phone so much! - Too much screen time can turn you into a zombie, right, Wally? - Wally?
20240223 -- DINNER TIME! LET'S EAT! - Apparently, too much screen time REALLY CAN alter your personality!
20240224 -- Norman! Stop staring at your phone! - Too much screen time can alter your personality! Yes, mother. - By the way, I've decided to become a productive member of society. I'm going to settle down, have a family and find a high-paying job! Then
20240224 -- I'll buy a home with ... E-car garage and... I'm too late!
20240225 -- You seem happy today! - I love late February! - It's such a festive time of year! - Festive?? Late February?? - Why is it festive?? - The stores are selling Easter candy, and our Christmas lights are still up!
20240226 -- Penny! -  Penny! - Penny! - Can you hear  me? Yes, you said, "Penny! Penny! Penny!"
20240227 -- Where are my keys? They must be in my pocket! Oh, I think I feel them! No, that's my phone. Ah-ha! They were behind my wallet! - Ralph, you have four pockets. Why do you use only one? It saves time.
20240228 -- SLIIIIDE Wally - BOP! - It must be one second past dinnertime! wobble wobble wobble
20240229 -- It's still February? Dad, I have a question... - Does March get mad at being delayed every four years? Yes, as do impatient baseball fans who anxiously await opening day! BUMS Hence the term "March Madness."
20240301 -- Six Months ago Why do I have so many sunglasses in this car? - Today  How come I can never find any sunglasses in this car?
20240302 -- - - - He's always there!
20240303 -- - FORGET IT! - - NOPE! - - NOT A CHANCE! - It's no fun watching the comic attractions with dad! SAVE YOUR MONEY, PEOPLE!
20240304 -- The first week of March! IT'S SPRING!! - Not. Give it another week or two.
20240305 -- To summarize, class, the main cause of the thirty year's war was the holy roman emperor's attempt to expand his power. - Are there any questions? Yes, Mr. Drabble? - When they named the war, how did they know it would last thirty years? - I
20240305 -- knew he would ask that. GAAAAAHH! - What's wrong? I had a nightmare that Norman was 45 years old today!!
20240306 -- WALLY - - I thought it might be fun to have breakfast in bed!
20240307 -- WOOF! - WOOF! WOOF! WOOF! -GRRRR! - Perhaps I used a poor choice of woofs!
20240308 -- Ooogie - - Much better!
20240309 -- SPORTING GOODS Thanks for the new baseball bat, dad! - You're welcome. - Just remember, that bat cost more than my first car. - So don't hit anything with it!
20240310 -- - - - - - - It's over?? Why are we an hour late to church? I told you to move up the clocks last night! I did!!
20240311 -- WALLY ZZYZX! - WALLY...BREAKFAST! - Really? Sweet! - I like daylight saving time because I get fed an hour earlier!
20240312 -- Turn off that garbage before I throw your phone out the window! - Nice job! How's THAT for a social media influencer?!
20240313 -- Poor Wally! - He got his head stuck in a bag og chips! - How dumb can you get? - HELPF! Ice Cream
20240314 -- Man, I'm working up a sweat! - Why do you say you're working UP a sweat? Sweats roll DOWN! Why not say you're working DOWN a sweat instead of working UP a sweat? - Because THAT'S THE EXPRESSION!! - OK! OK! Don't get all worked DOWN about it!
20240315 -- Ralph, you've got so many chores to do around the house! laZy dayZZ - Why are you procrastinating?? A man's gotta not do what a man's gotta not do!
20240316 -- - CLOMP! Let me guess: you're hungry!
20240317 -- Why did I drink that entire Mega-Gulp?? - Bathroom break! - Ralph, I'm glad you're here. I need you! Oh, no! - Hold this picture against the wall so I can see where to hang it! - Higher. - Higher. - Lower...okay! - I need to find a hammer.
20240317 -- Keep holding it!! Oh, trust me...I am!
20240318 -- I'm home! - Is it raining outside? No, why? - Oh, no reason. - With Norm, it's better not to ask questions.
20240319 -- - Do you have a place in mind to keep your new yoga ball? - The garage, but you'll have to park in the driveway.
20240320 -- Dinnertime, Wally! - - Now you know how it feels to have YOUR dinner ruined! Did somebody say something?
20240321 -- Here's your breakfast, Wally! - And here's your dinner! - We're going to be gone all day, so when dinnertime rolls around, you'll... - Still be full from breakfast, I hope! urp!
20240322 -- - Sorry that took so long, Echo. - There was a sign in the restroom that said "Employees must wash hands." - No one else was in there, so after 10 minutes, I just washed them myself!
20240323 -- Care to share an umrella, Neil? No thanks, Norm. It's not necessary! - According to my weather app, it's not raining!
20240324 -- Hey! Where's my doggie bed?? - I'm tired! Where am I supposed to sleep?? - What's going on around here?! Sorry, Wally... - Your bed is in the washing machine! - It needs to be washed now and then! What for?? - It wa already clean! - It
20240324 -- smelled like ME!! - You already smell better! Who wants to smell like a pineapple?
20240325 -- Uh-oh...I'm late! - Hold that elevator!! - Never mind. I'll wait fo the next one. It's not crowded, Wendy! Just me and you!
20240326 -- What floor, Wendy? - 23rd. - Same as me! Hop in! I'll take the stairs!
20240327 -- DING! Wendy, don't be silly! Take the elevator with me! puff puff - You can't walk up 23 flights of stairs! It's my cardio workout for the day!
20240328 -- Wendy, please take the elevator! DING! (Puff) Norman, I'd rather (puff) climb 23 floors than (puff) ride an elevator with (puff) you! - I think I'm almost there! - What floor is (puff) this? 8th. Only 15 more!
20240329 -- Wendy! This is crazy! You can't climb 23 flights of stairs! 9th Floor You're right. I give up. - Good. I'll escort you to the elevator! - Dang! Now we missed it!
20240330 -- Wendy, I just have one question... - Why didn't you want to ride in the same elevator as me? - Because elevators make you severely claustrophobic. They do? Oh, yeah. Huh! - LET ME OUT!! 12 floors to go!
20240331 -- - - SKIP SKIP - WALLY GRRRR - Why are baskets, eggs and candy strewn all over the floor? Let's just say the Easter Bunny was in a big hurry to get out of here last night!
20240401 -- Happy April Fools' Day, Norman! Thanks, but... - Nobody thinks April Fools' Day has anything to do with ME!
20240302 -- Patrick! Why are you so dirty?? I was looking for buried treasure in the backyard! - I'd like to be filthy rich! Well, you're halfway there.
20240303 -- yawn! - yawn! Dog yawns are the most contagious!
20240304 -- Meow! purr purr You must be hungry! - There you go! - Meh! What's wrong? - You said you were hungry! I want you to listen to me, not solve my problems!
20240405 -- - DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT! - Before we invest into security cameras, let's see how this goes.
20240406 -- I'm going to back out the car so I can put on my makeup! - ? - - OK, well, I'm going to turn on the blender so I can play ping-pong!
20240407 -- Where's Wally? - He's not in his bed. I've looked everywhere! - WALLY! - IT'S TIME TO GO TO THE VET! - * - WALLY, IT'S LUNCHTIME! - skattle skattle skattle skattle!
20240408 -- I love my new fanny pack! Rent This Space - Why didn't I get one years ago? - The best part is that I don't havr to carry around my purse anymoe! - I keep it in there!
20240409 -- Having breakfast in this place is different than it used to be. - Everyone in here is looking at a computer or their phone! - Or both! Please keep it down! I'm on two different video calls over here!
20240410 -- - - Dang! - Why is there always a fence between me and a tennis ball?
20240411 -- *Sigh* Every time I drive past where my favorite buffet used to be, I hope it will be open for business again. - You're the reason they went out of business in the first place! Stop reminding me!
20240412 -- If Bob is really a rare South American parrot, why doesn't he talk? - Most parrots talk, don't they? - I think they repeat things they hear around the house! - Honeybunch, we're out of ice cream!
20240413 -- Patrick! Bob talks now! He TALKS??! - Maybe he really IS a rare south american parrot! - He repeats things he hears around the house! - Well, doggies! If it ain't Mr. Drysdale! Dad watches a lot of TV shows.
20240414 -- It's time to get rid of this thing! What is it? - It's an inversion table. You use it when you have a bad back! - You lock your ankles in there, then lean back until you're hanging upside down! - It helps to decompress your spine. My back is
20240414 -- all better now, and I don't need it anymore! - Let's move it outside to the curb. - I'll put a "For Sale" sign on it! - * * * WHOA!! - * *
20240415 -- "Lucy, you got some explaining to do!" Bob talks now. - "You're gonna be in big trouble, beave!" He repeats lines from old TV shows that dad watches! Weird, huh? - "Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!" What's weirder is that your dad only watches shows
20240415 -- over 50 years old! To the moon, Alice! HAR HAR HAR!
20240416 -- I guess Bob the Duck really is a rare south american parrot! - Suddenly he can talk! He's been repeating everything he hears! - "NORM!" Especially old TV sitcoms!
20240417 -- Steinbauer! Why do you darken my door! As president of the H.O.A., I have reason to suspect you have a pet duck, which is a code violation! - I've told you before, it's a rare south-american parrot! - Why else would I have a perch in my home?
20240417 -- Probably the same reason you have an exercise bike!
20240418 -- Bob is not a duck! He's a parrot! He sits on a perch and TALKS! - Bob, say something to Mr. Steinbauer! - "You're dethhpicable!!" THAT SOUNDS LIKE A DUCK TO ME!!